Black Cheesecake

There's only one place for laid-back jazz.

You found it.

The Jazz Group.

It taught us that a black man was born 20 miles outside of the holy city of Mecca.

And when he was a young boy, about six years old, he was playing in the sand with two pieces of metal.

And he saw one piece of metal drawing the other piece of metal under its power.

And there he discovered the law of unalike attract and like repel.

And he said to his uncle, when I grow up, I'm going to make a people to rule you.

Yaacoub, when he became 18, he went to work and he started teaching and getting followers there in Mecca.

Yaacoub wanted babies.

If a real black child was born, the object was to kill the black and save the lighter child.

Then marry the lighter on to a lighter and keep on grafting until you produce a brown civilization of people.

Birth control.

Kill the black, save the brown.

marry the brown on to a lighter brown kill the darker save the lighter marry the lighter on to

the lighter kill the darker save the lighter until you bring it to its apex which is this that you

see this caucasian caucasian mean weak-blooded weak-boned stale face that pale what the indian

and call a pale man. I am not playing. This is serious. The white man is not the real man.

He's a made human being. Yacoub then had to teach them a teaching that would oppose

the teachings of God. They already are opposite us in color and opposite us in nature. Why do

you say that if murder was going on on the island of patmos to produce them and lying was going on

to fool the baby away from the mother kill the darker save the lighter then jesus says in the

new testament oh you talking to the jews you are of your father the devil he was a liar and a

a murderer and if you look at that white man he's a lion saying a murderous human being there is no

human being on earth that has murdered more living things than the caucasian he's a murder

the air never did a prank answer the phone nobody answers man

everything's verified

I can send you this list of numbers

I got another list from

AMV, a secret list he sent me

good, good telemarketing IG

it is, it's the mother load

yeah, okay so now I got you

my little sanity

pharmacy located at

it's gonna be closed

store is currently closed

oh god

pharmacies are closed, yeah that's right

they close at 6

You got to look by the hospital, fucker, that's for real.

The Dashie machine, let's see what we can find here.

Dashie to the rescue, this computer machine.

It's still loading, here they fail.

This tool is broken.

Try a hotel gas, it's still...

It's married on a Sunday, mother...

Someone who's supposedly in the hotel, let's see if they pick up, milkman was lost again.

Calling Holiday Inn Express, exit from one of the following options.

Quiet!

This call may be recorded for quality purposes.

Make quiet, quiet back there.

Special reservations, my name is Raven, how can I help you?

Yeah, I need to speak to my, I need to speak to a person who's staying there, Mr. Shake.

Okay, it's her, um, Exeter Holiday Inn Express, sir.

Yeah, Anise, A-N-I-S.

Fucking milkman, I'm cutting you off.

You gotta close your window, motherfucker.

Oh, yeah.

Close your window!

All right, the last name is...

The last name is Shake.

I'm sorry, I can't transfer from central office.

I'll have to give you the phone number of the hotel.

You're really stupid.

What?

I said you're really stupid.

What's wrong with you, sir?

You're asking for the phone number, so I'm gonna give it to you.

Well, I dialed the phone number, goddammit, shit, and it came through to you.

You don't have to say those words.

Why did it come through to you?

You're stupid.

I don't know, sir.

You're not even at the Holiday Inn, goddammit.

No, I'm not.

I'm with Central Office, the reservation line.

I didn't ask for you.

That's why I'm giving you the phone number.

I didn't ask for you.

I was talking to the computer.

The phone picked up.

It's the Holiday Inn Express.

And I said, yes, I need to speak to the front desk.

And it kept saying all this other stuff to me.

So do you need help or not, sir?

I can give you the phone number.

Well, transfer me through.

I don't have time for this.

I have it hands-free.

I'm on hands-free.

I'm driving.

You didn't hear me and the window was open and I was yelling at the guy driving?

Cool.

Thank you for calling Holiday Inn Express, Exeter.

Please select from one of the following options.

For new reservations of nine rooms or less, press 1.

For group reservations of ten rooms or more, press 2.

No.

To modify or cancel an existing reservation, press 3.

No.

For meeting room inquiries, press 4.

For other calls, press 5.

Good evening, Pinch.

Are you a person?

Sorry?

Are you a real person at the hotel?

I'm a real person, yeah.

Yeah, I'm a real person.

All right, I need to be transferred at once to my associate.

Okay, hang on just two seconds.

Last name is Sheikh.

What's that surname, sorry?

Sheikh.

Do you know what room number they're in?

No, S-H-A-I-K-H, Sheikh.

His last name, first name is Anis, A-N-I-S.

S-H-A-I-K-H.

S-H-A-I-K-H, Sheikh.

Anis Sheikh.

I haven't got anyone under that name in the hotel, sir.

Do you have Sheikh?

No, I don't.

Do you have Anis?

Sorry, what was that one?

A-N-I-S?

No, I don't have that either.

Do you have A-N-U-S?

Nope.

Okay, do you have Labia, L-A-B-I-A?

No.

Can you put me through to the sauna?

To who, sorry?

To the sauna.

Oh.

I want to congratulate you.

I just wanted to congratulate you.

Be quiet, man.

I can barely hear you.

Really?

Is your camera mic showing on?

Hello?

Milkman?

Yeah.

Hello?

Are you a far away?

Hello, Milkman?

Are you there?

I'll call you back.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Hey, buddy.

I'll call you back.

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

Hello, Milkman?

Yeah.

How are you, buddy?

Yeah.

I got you.

How's the day?

Hello?

Yeah.

All right.

How you doing?

All right.

No way.

Hello.

All right, man.

Are you saying, all right, bye-bye, and then now you're saying hello?

I'm just cruising now.

Well, if you're going to talk on the CB radio, if you're going to talk on the CB, say, Carlito,

I'm talking on the CB.

Wait a minute, please.

Can you do that?

That's my mom on the other line.

You better watch out, man, because she knew she was talking like that.

But say, see, just tell me, Carlito, I'm talking to mom right now.

Hang on.

That's it.

Because sometimes I don't know.

I was trying to, but she's trying to answer me, too.

And you're trying to answer me.

And so both of you go, huh?

Huh?

Like.

You bring this, you bring this.

And you'd be, yeah, you really would have been, you'd have, you'd be impressed with my skills.

Well, you missed the one call that I finally got to connect.

Let me get some more, buddy.

Yeah, I'm getting ready to get to the computer.

And I'm going to, will you let me do email it to you or what?

Or just send it across Skype?

Yeah, email me your Skype.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to send you the whole new numbers log, man.

I got it from AMD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, email.

Well, Skype, can you just put it in Skype?

Just paste it or send it.

What did I say?

Do file transfer.

Should I put it there or should I email it?

Can you put it in Dropbox?

Yeah, sure can.

Can you drop it in your folder in the Dropbox?

There's a Milkman folder I made for you.

all right or email it to me madhouse radio at gmail you're going to ask me like 20 times

to get it right you're like my mom giving me get an email you want my email now or you want to wait

give me one second i'm walking in the house you didn't start calling man i'm gonna go ahead and

go on mute hurry up let's see if check cashing is open probably not because i'm fucking had one

One number, Milkman, and you missed it.

Maybe you're the problem.

Maybe it's you.

I got the data pool there, yeah.

I got that right there with 3G.

It went from Spark LTE we got here back to 3GD.

That's the problem.

That's why we can't get people to pick up.

You're right.

That's exactly what it is, LTE.

I know they got that 5G coming back.

Oh, does he hear it now?

$60, man.

$60, not bad.

I got it in the freezer, man.

It's ready to go, dude.

What?

Ice already in it.

All I got to do is put a little bit of ice water in it, and it's good to go, baby.

We're good to go.

So you got ice in, like, a cup already?

That's our D here.

Oh, yeah.

One second, sir.

Hey, fool.

Sorry?

Fool?

This is Wawa.

Yeah, yeah, I was calling.

I wanted to make an order, one fool.

We don't do over-the-phone orders.

Oh, one gasoline?

We don't have gas.

This isn't a gas store.

One gallon of oil?

Sir, this is in the gas store.

Yeah, but like a cooking oil from the Wawa where you make the food and all that?

You would have to come into the store.

We don't do over-the-phone orders.

You want one bag of rice?

Well, someone pick up, right, my man?

Yay.

Man, still not talking.

Fine, anything.

I

give up.

I think I'm done.

I'm bored.

I did an hour.

It's too much for me.

Too early.

Too soon.

Sitting here.

No one picks up.

Somehow.

I'm Facebookers.

It's Devin, right?

This is Beans.

Yeah, this is him.

Hey, this is Beans.

Okay, who's Beans?

I'm just...

I'm friends with some of these guys from your work.

And I saw...

I saw you recently.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you want?

How much over there on it is?

Pardon?

How much over there on it is?

It's a waste, but whatever.

That's all I know what to do.

Hey, I saw you.

Someone gave me your number.

Oh, yeah.

I'm good.

That's all I can do.

For calling loans.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

For directions to the store, press one.

For store hours, press two.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak with the operator, press 0.

Oh, crap.

That's my dial pad.

We are located at 411...

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want that.

...between Pacific Street and...

I did the wrong thing.

So what?

I did the wrong thing, Mom.

Thank you for...

Para instrucciones en español, marque 3.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5, or to speak with the operator, 0.

For information on deliveries, transferring to appliances, please hold.

Let's see if this fucker's real.

This is the shit.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Am I talking to a person?

Uh, yes.

Oh, I need to talk to a machine.

A machine?

Machines.

Okay.

I need the department machines.

Okay, sure.

One moment, please.

Hey, this is Beans.

Hello?

Can I help you?

Yeah, what department are you in?

No uppity.

Huh?

Pardon me?

What department are you in, Mr. Uppity?

I'm in tools.

Oh, yeah.

Was there no one in appliances?

Why are you picking up the phone?

Sir, they transferred this call to me.

I'll transfer you back.

No, wait.

I got a question about tool, too.

Fucking asshole, he hung up.

He didn't give the hang-up music, either.

We can play Lowe's Roulette.

There we go.

Until they stop taking my calls at this place.

yay okay come on come on calling machine you for for information on delivery press one

get transferring to flooring please hold this show was saturday not sunday you better not

are you the woman that was putting me through the machines sorry who is this were you putting

me through the machines hey this is the first time i picked up this well i saw some woman over

there i said i need to talk to machines and she's like como que como he he and then she

transferred me to some really upset black man and he hung up on me and it was the wrong department

Check out the music in the Hawaii Lowe's.

This is the kind of music we need on the show.

My director call.

Who's this?

This is Christian in customer service.

That's good.

You're a man.

That helps out.

I need to speak to machines.

What kind of machines, sir?

The main machine.

I need to put in the main machine.

What kind of main machine?

It has the different electrical components in it.

For electrical stuff?

What was that person that said in the back about telephone operator?

What was that?

No, like an electrical machine, sir.

Yeah, who was that back there that said that?

Telephone operator.

Who said that?

I'm not too sure, sir.

Can you ask?

Who's around there?

Sure.

Let me check.

Okay, hold on.

Yeah.

People want too much.

Well, that ain't good enough.

Yes, ma'am.

Excuse me?

What can I do? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not a ma'am. I'm a sir. I have a penis and two testicles.

I'm so sorry, sir, because I actually put somebody on hold, and I thought she's calling back.

What do you have? Do you have a penis and two testicles or a labia and vagina?

I'm sorry, sir.

Are you a woman? Do you have a labia down there?

labia are you a man with a penis she started it motherfucker she started it that joke on me i don't

think so for information on delivery press transferring to lumber and building materials

please hold yeah i need to find out who was over there saying um telephone operator when i was

trying to get some assistance earlier are you the person that transferred me no i'm i'm in lumber

oh good yeah i need to make an order then thank god i got through to you i need to i need to order

one woods which one wood the main wood main wood machine i need to i'm making a i'm making a wood

machine a wood box uh-huh yeah so i need to order one wood what kind of wood uh boxwood is it fly

wood that your boxwood for the main machine has wood over it in a certain part so the the rain

can't get into the machine so you put the main okay you make the main wood the main wood the

main wood machine comes down you hit the wood buttons and the main wood machine comes down

and uh plays so how do i make it go hold on one second trying to get the head off in here

you're why i have a bad echo what kind of wood you need to tell me what kind of

the main wood main wood i don't know um water wood hey why don't you cut the noise back there

what's going on uh that's right get rid of it what is it let me see if i can phone oh are you

stupid you don't know how to use the phone what's that are you stupid you don't know how to use the

phone or something i'm just gonna hang up no no i don't mean i don't i don't mean like rude

no no no i'm not being that no i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that on a fucking cb radio

jesus christ thank you for calling load sounds like milkman

for direction or press one fucking milkman selling lumber

to reach department direct press zero for information on delivery transferring the

lumber and building material please hold yeah i heard a little bit of music there a second ago

what's going on with the phone now you sounded just fine when you first picked up yeah i can

hear you but you're doing that on purpose bad echo but why why how are you talking to me what are you

on i'm on the cell for every customer you're on the cell for every single customer that i use that

Can you walk closer to the base, baby?

That's the problem.

No, it isn't your phone.

No, it's not.

Okay, are you looking...

Is this the guy that's looking for me to call me stupid a few minutes ago?

No, I was asking...

I didn't mean it like that,

because what I meant to say is, like, you don't understand it.

What kind of work do you need?

Why don't you just put me through to a man?

Is there a man I can talk to?

All right, let me see if you can...

Maybe you can...

Yeah, go ahead and do that.

Yeah, go ahead and do that, Mr. Broken Phone.

Bye.

Okay.

All right, stupid.

Result.

Not getting anything.

Shit.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Thank you for calling.

Hey, man.

Daniel, park it there.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations

Press 2

Commercial sales transferring to flooring

Please hold

Are you still having problems, milkman?

I hear you good, can you hear me?

Yeah, 10-4 the heck, buddy

Alright, declathro

Flooring, you know, can I help you?

Yeah, hi, flooring, how are you?

Excellent

Oh, good, listen, I was trying to get a hold of someone for the floor

I need one floor

You need one floor?

One floor, yeah

Yeah, I want to make the main machine with the floor.

So I need the one floor, one unit of floor.

Okay.

Yeah, so one, and then how many spaces come?

It probably comes in about five spaces wide.

How many spaces?

About five.

Five spaces?

That's it.

Okay, and then I just have to try, I have to apply that on that.

You apply that with the materials, and then you divide it by 10%, and then boom, there you go.

By 10%?

What's the 10% for?

For like the spaces?

10% is extra.

For like the spaces in between?

Yeah, you could call it that.

For the different spaces in between.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I accept.

All right.

Right on.

Have a great day.

Hey, wait a minute.

May the Lord be with you.

Don't be smart.

Can you transfer me to the front desk, please?

May the Lord be with you.

I think word's getting around.

There was a prank caller.

Breaker Breaker 1-9.

All those managers, prank caller.

Thank you.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak with the operator, press 0.

Listen, paying attention.

Listen with the sound.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Hi, hardware, Gary Speed.

Yeah, I needed to speak to someone about Black & Decker tool machine.

Oh, you need the tools?

The tool machines.

Let me...

What's the matter?

Transfer you.

What are you doing?

What do you do?

It's hardware.

What kind of hardware?

Screws, nuts and bolts.

Oh, yeah?

All right, I need the number 12 machine for the screws, the number 12 screw machines.

What?

Yeah, but can you put me through the end of the guy to the main tool guy?

All right, motherfucker.

Dude, dude.

Oakman, you sound like you're at the beach machine.

I don't know.

Yeah?

Okay, I'm going to try and transfer.

All right.

Can I help you?

Hey, tools.

I needed to get the main machine, number 12 machine, for the screws.

The main number 12 screw that comes in the main machine.

You know where the handle is and it comes down and needs to be replaced,

so I need the main machine that fixes that.

I have no idea what you're referring to.

I need to make the cabinet go again,

so I'm supposed to order the main screwdriver machine.

I'm sorry, I still don't know what you're talking about.

It's a powered screwdriver, a powered, like a drill.

What the heck is it?

Main Machines, Black & Decker Main...

I don't carry Main...

Oh, Black & Decker?

It's called Main Machine.

Oh, I've never heard of that.

Well, can you look...

Black & Decker Main Machine.

Go ahead and look, or it should be...

You have, like, a Black & Decker section there?

I do, but they're...

Look for Main Machine.

You don't get a big echo out of it.

Can you look for Main Machine?

Hang on just a minute, please.

Fucker.

Excuse me?

Go ahead.

No, I was talking to Milkman.

He's causing an echo in the phone.

I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you, sir.

Yeah, Milkman, you need to keep it down, man.

and he's trying to talk to me and find the machine, motherfucker.

It's on mute.

Sir, if you cuss one more time, I'm going to hang up.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm cussing at him.

I'm sorry.

But don't cuss on the phone when you're talking to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm not showing anything under black in deck or main machine.

What an asshole, this guy, right, Milkman?

Sir, I'm trying to help you.

I just don't show it.

I'm going to put this motherfucker off of mute so he can hear me now.

Hello?

Are you able to hear me even when it's on mute now?

No, no, I'm just kidding.

Oh, that's flipping out.

I was like, what the fuck?

I was just trying to do something.

You crazy bastard.

He's like, whoa.

I said, motherfucker.

Whoa.

Let's keep hitting up this load because they answer.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

He's got pistachios.

For directions to the store.

For information.

For millwork, press one.

Paint, press two.

Plumbing, press three.

Lighting, transferring to plumbing.

Please hold.

Yeah, hey, the toilet doesn't go.

I need to get the shit through the toilet.

The toilet doesn't go.

It doesn't go?

Mm-mm.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, it doesn't go.

What do you mean it doesn't go?

I pushed a button.

It doesn't go.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Well, how do I make it go?

I want to buy what I have to buy to make the toilet go.

I mean, it probably needs to be adjusted out, sir.

Mm-hmm.

It's just there.

There's like three shits, three, four shits in there already.

My kids just kept using the toilet.

You might try to plunge it.

We'll see what they have.

It's not going.

It doesn't go.

I will tell you.

I mean, you got a push button, and you shoot a button, and it should flush.

If it's flushing, then if it's not going down, then you probably need to plunge it.

Well, then why did you sell me a button that doesn't work?

Blow your head.

I don't know.

Like, two or three days.

I mean, we had to go somewhere.

We had to go shit somewhere, you know?

We had to shit in the toilet.

I mean, we had to shit and piss in there, you know?

Okay.

Wherever you go to shit, I mean,

I mean, that's on you, but the toilet, you're trying to get it in front of where I want to flush it.

It doesn't go.

Try to plunge it.

I turned the plunger on.

It didn't do anything.

It might have clogged the toilet, so you might have called a plumber.

What kind of batteries does it usually take?

AA.

And a plunger?

And a plunger.

Mm-hmm.

Plunger don't take batteries.

Are you sure?

Because it doesn't turn on.

I've been trying to turn it on.

It doesn't go.

love the hang-up song.

Plung-plung.

I love the hang-up.

Every time Lowe's puts you, they hang up on you, it takes you to music first.

I love it.

Don't take no batteries.

Huh?

Why doesn't it go?

Toilet doesn't go.

What are you doing?

For direct information on deliveries to non-deliveries, press 1.

For millwork, press 1.

Press 2.

Plumbing, press 3.

Lighting and electrical, press 4.

Outdoors, turning to lighting and electrical.

please hold department um how many times until it goes how do i make it go what go the light the one

i put in like i don't know how to make it go make it go on just go it doesn't go the main one the

one in the main is in the main machine bye so long we're going to phone hell be a transfer

for hanging up on a customer's transfer of the hell what is it transfer to the hell thank you

for calling

Unlocked. Delivered. For millwork, press 1. Paint, press 2. Plumbing, press 3. Lighting and electrical, press 4. Output and inversion. Transferring to lighting and electrical. Please hold.

Hello?

This is the electrical department.

Yeah, I was calling before because I needed help making it go. Please don't do that.

Please don't transfer me like that again to that department, please. They just don't answer.

Oh, okay.

What, is that just talking to you?

I'm not.

What do you need help with?

What?

What do you need help with?

I need to make the light go in the main machine.

Can you take me off a speaker?

I don't give you permission.

No.

I don't give you permission to do that.

You have to warn me before you do that, and you didn't.

You have to take me off.

Well, no, then transfer me to the front desk so I can make a complaint about you.

Hurry up.

What a bitch.

He didn't even transfer me there the hell that time.

He transferred you, all right.

oaky oaky sauce you like rum balls

you like rum balls

i sent her some inclusion rum man and she made some all you talk about good

jamaican balls it does with cocoa i'm gonna have to eat a little bit it's a real rummy

because i i i like it i told her to use 151 man

well i'm moving up from the lows because that's enough they're like the only people answering but

that's enough let's call k martin do some glory hole action see if we can get that see if you get

the manager over there to stick his fist underneath the bathroom hey honey how are you how are you

honey fine thank you how are you that's good i'm coco oh hi coco okay i wanted to know how's the

the bathroom uh how's the action in the bathroom tonight sorry the action in the bathroom how is it

i don't heard any action in the bathroom well you guys are listed on grope dope.com it's like a for

glory you know what glory hole is no it's like when people meet in the toilet in the bathrooms to

mess around uh you know like um privately you know what i mean i don't know i don't know like to have

like sexual relations in the bathroom just find out that was bound to fail milkman because i'm

so i gotta talk about the sex i did it wrong can i connect dirty dirty aaron on the line

he wants to do prank calls milkman yeah go ahead okay uh how let's see d quattro d4 that's what

what you're saying stupid the music is uh improved here i don't know man the server

change definitely improvement man on what quality i like the selection that the server has now on

the music man i'm really enjoying the jazz man i'm digging it man i really appreciate it man

that's very very cultured man i i mean we've moved up uh definitely a long ways in the musical

the world world here show me thank you thank you that's very i'm very impressed dude you're

a sign of real intelligence did you listen to fucking jazz man that's what them smart beats

i like smoke cigar listen jazz you know hey dirty hey motherfucker hey hi hi what are you doing

talking to you doing some calls you wanted to join you want to join us for calls yeah who are

were we calling uh not a lot of people are answering but i've had very few people answering

actually so i found the lowes hardware that was open stuck to them because they were actually

answering but i just about tapped that out yeah i think i need to buy a five gallon bucket of ice

water and dump it on my balls you want to try kmart kmart just answered oh yeah i'm in for kmart

okay all right let me get kmart hopefully i need to i need special i need some lou gehrig ice water

ice water to dump on my head so what is the ice ned stephanie how can i help you hello stephanie

this is brent hi can you hear me i can hear you okay good that's good um i'm looking for some

lou gehrig ice water do you guys have that product i call it again it's lou gehrig ice water okay let

me transfer is there something wrong with your phone or yeah it must be our phone it's a kmr

let me transfer it's a kmr piece of shit phone okay yeah get me to a man okay one second thank

Thank you.

God, man.

Replace that phone line.

That phone line.

That's what it is.

They can just go down to Housewares and get a new phone cable.

You could have solved it in 10 seconds.

Can you believe I asked for ice water and she transferred me?

Hello?

Hello.

This is Brent.

Who are you?

Are you the one asking for the shit bed?

Huh?

Shit bed?

Yeah.

No, ice water.

Oh, hold on.

The what?

He said shit bed.

I swear to God, that's what he said.

Shit the bed.

He swear to God, he said.

Did you already talk to that guy?

That's the problem

They did get another phone from Kmart

That's what you heard

The shit bed

That is a new one

Do you recall about our shit bed?

He's like some old Vietnamese guy

Yeah, what the fuck's that guy's problem?

He just works at furniture

He just drags the furniture out for everyone

You recall a lot of shit bed?

Why does that always happen to me?

Just imagine maybe they have one of their

Beds that got shit on by some kid

any furniture display

modeling. We're just calling it

the shit bed.

I had someone double check and they didn't see that brand of water.

Okay, the man that I spoke with

he had a heavy accent

and he swore at me.

He called me. What man?

He called me. The man I spoke to

he called me a shit bed. He called me a shithead.

Do you have the name of the person?

That way I can refer him over to the manager.

No, I don't know. He spoke with a heavy accent.

He sounded like maybe he was

from the Middle East.

He just picked up the phone and spoke with you?

Was he trying to help you find your water?

No, he just transferred me back to you.

That's weird because I didn't transfer you to anyone.

I just put you on hold.

He might have picked up the wrong line.

But as far as I know, I just had someone run over there and double check.

Okay.

Well, thanks to you, this is a special ice water that you have to use for the ice water challenge.

I have to get it.

So do you know anybody who sells that?

I don't.

I don't know offhand.

Okay.

Um, yeah, as far as I know, we don't, we don't, we didn't, I didn't say anything for that

brand of water that we sell.

Okay.

So you guys don't sell ice water in the bottle?

We sell ice water, but I don't have the brand that you're asking for.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you very much.

If you remember the name, you can go ahead and call back and I can refer it over to my

manager.

Oh, the man who swore at me?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

Good night, bitch.

It sounded like she replaced the phone cable there for a second, but then I heard it.

yeah somebody fucking around on the phone somebody playing around i like the shit head

guy man play an instant replay can you do that i don't i don't i don't but yeah i swear to god

he says shit bad yeah that's what i heard i thought it was pissed i thought he had heard

about what you said and call was like oh you a fucking breaker hey he was he knew that i was

talking shit about the phone line, and so he

got mad. He thinks it's a real

fucking thing. Alright, this music sucks

now.

Best Bob. Oh shit, she probably didn't put it on hold.

She probably just muted it on her end.

Here we are on the speakerphone.

Whatever.

Too bad. She says that they sell ice water,

Milkman.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For geek squad services,

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck that.

All other questions.

I love that part.

All other questions.

At Best Buy, we promise the latest devices and services in one place.

One of those people trying to scam out the warranties, you know what I'm saying?

That's it.

Thank you for calling the Honolulu Home Depot.

For store hours and directions, press 1.

If you know the three-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach, press 2.

To speak to an associate in one of our store departments, press 3.

For kitchen and bathroom design, press 1.

For lumber and building materials, press 2.

Can I get some sticks?

Yeah.

Eh, I'm just going to order woods.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

Your call is very important to us, but all associates are busy at this time assisting other callers.

Please remain in the line and your call will be answered by the next...

Hello, Home Depot, may I direct your call?

Hello?

Yeah, do you have someone in the lumber department or is this that person just over there not answering the phone?

I'll find out.

What about tools?

I should have done tools from the beginning.

Those lumber people are lazy, man.

Well, yeah, they're always cutting the wood.

They work with the union.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

The wood union.

All of our associates are...

Make it $25 an hour to cut wood and haul wood.

Standing around smoking cigarettes half the day.

Three weeks paid off.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

All of our associates are currently helping other callers.

Please remain on the line, and your call will be answered by the next available associate.

Oh, whatever.

I'm done with it.

Call back for tools.

Forgot the options.

Thank you for calling the Honolulu Home Depot.

I think it was 3.

For kitchen and bathroom design, press 1.

For lumber and building materials, press 2.

No.

For appliances, press 3.

No.

For doors and windows, press 4.

No.

For flooring, press 5.

No.

For hardware, press 6.

No.

For plumbing, press 7.

hardware is always around because they got to make keys you could describe your key to them

let's see if they can make it over the phone come on thank you for calling the home depot

your call is very important to us home depot home and direct your call hey where is someone who will

answer like uh if i need a drill will someone answer now that's hardware department i just

came from there and then when answer the phone and then you put me you put me a hole for too

too long no you put me on hold for too long i put you on hold yeah for a long time i hung up and

called back it was so long okay hold on let me find out quickly all right honey the next available

thank you for calling the home depot oh this night is a mess any ideas there aaron uh look in the

skype chat i got the walmart then then a faux one and then i'm putting a 7-eleven in here also all

We're all on the beach in Honolulu.

Yay.

We're on Hualo.

Shit, I did that wrong.

Stupid piece of shit.

Fuck.

I couldn't be more stupid.

I think I erred because I did it wrong.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Thank you for calling us 24 hours from local Walmart.

How may I direct your call?

Yeah, this is Walmart Hualo.

Hello?

This is Walmart Hualo.

This is the camera for Walmart?

Mm-hmm, that's the one, yeah.

Who's in charge of the toilet?

Hello?

Hold on.

Okay.

Music, nothing?

Gotta make my own.

just ask for that i'm just gonna ask for the fitting room thank you for calling walmart

walmart's you're calling our 24 hour chemical walmart how about direct your call yeah i need

a feeding room pardon the fitting room they don't have a phone there they don't have a little

station there where they fold all the clothes and all that no they don't and what were you

trying to get someone from me before and you couldn't it was taking a long time how can i help

to uh well i was asking who's in charge of toilet remember look sir okay is this a crank call i don't

have time for this i need to know who's in charge of toilet machines i need to know who's in charge

of toilet machines the toilet does not go hello i think lost patience you put me on hold again

i like just talking to her that's fine there you ask her ask her the same question

okay thank you for calling walmart you're welcome thank you for calling at 24 hour chemical walmart

Yeah, listen, you don't need to be ignorant.

what the gentleman is saying he needs to talk to the hardware department where they make keys

we'll hold this time never again but i think they make keys in automotive now don't they

shit i don't know i don't know walmart key guy is always cocky you go in there asking to make

keys just like i take my time sip my coffee first take my time i hate him how's work there going for

you big guy that's great aaron my work is going great that's awesome dirty aaron everybody i'm

gonna take my sleeping pill here i won't be on for much longer wait wait wait wait i disconnected

the cable for aaron hang on hang on my boy are you there milkman you there broke the machine

we're talking milkman aaron brian westwood oh let's see if i can play some sounds on this thing

the sounds aren't working i'm playing chicken clucking and there's nothing

Uh-oh.

Broke the sound jack.

Oh, shit.

Go for a minute.

There it goes.

Yeah, I fixed it.

Hello?

Aaron?

Chicken fucker.

Yay!

Now you got it plugged back in.

Yay!

I fixed it.

Yay!

Anyway, Aaron, how's work going for you?

We're still on hold.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, recycle.

Hello?

I think they picked up.

Hello?

Shit bag.

You call upon a shit bag?

Shit bag.

Fuck's sake.

egg thank you for calling walmart chicken fucker hello hello yeah go ahead aaron chicken fucker

hello hello walmart oh whatever uh let's do the uh let's do the uh foe something or the uh

foe one see that number there foe four all right yeah let me find it let me find the foe

pho1 call pho1 ask for the number for pho2 pho1

one.

Okay.

P-H-O-1.

Foe.

Copy and selection.

Dragging over.

Control V.

V.

Go.

Are you using Google Voice or something?

Yeah.

Yep, yep, that's it.

Yep.

No, I'm using Gort.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Gort's back up.

I heard it was down for a while.

Gort's voice is up now.

It's so awesome.

Good.

Ice cream.

Foy.

Sunday.

I didn't know that.

It was Sunday.

Well, a lot of the Chinese people, they believe in Jesus, which is weird.

Oh, yeah.

The Mormons got in there, man.

The Mormons.

Whew.

All over.

All up in that Hawaii, man.

All right, 7-Eleven.

They're definitely open.

Back on the road.

Yeah, all right.

Surfer.

I'm going to mute back up here, man.

I made a noise.

Sorry.

I muted.

You could turn down your, uh, oh, I mean, close your window.

Maybe if you don't drive with your head out the window, man, that would be bad.

I had my head, I exactly, Aaron's right, man.

I got drool all down the side of the car, dude.

You're exactly right.

But it's clean now.

Little, little, it's like little fingers, little streaks there now.

Like a dog.

Yeah, like a dog, like a, like a St. Bernard.

I'm so excited to go outside.

Oh, I thought, yeah.

I can smell everything.

This is Kathy speaking, how may I help you?

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Hello? Yes, I'm calling from the corporate office. We need to do a monthly customer survey. Any customers there we could talk to, please?

Yeah, if you could ask one, they'll be able to get a free hot dog or deli sandwich or a 44-ounce Big Gulp for participating.

Okay.

Go ahead and do it.

All right.

We'll call back in like 10 minutes. These people just want to get their stuff and get out of here.

We're a bunch of assholes, right?

yeah no that's not okay we need to get somebody on the phone preferably african-american because

we need we are low on our quota of african-american survey people

i was gonna should have told her i need you to separate the the african-americans and the

caucasians that's right put the african-americans in one in one line and the caucasians in another

let's see if we could i guess i got that i got that they don't want so if i'm posting numbers

in the skype chat uh do you need plus one or not um it doesn't matter i'm just copy pasting

i'm into a different program now so it handles it should handle it on the fly as long as it's

area code and number should be okay okay all right i got a 24 hour fitness i was calling the next one

ymc oh ymc i was like what's ymc you think ymc yeah i gotta get a shower and uh and a man wearing

very little clothes they're not like they used to be like used to help homeless people

hello hello was this the ymca yes it is okay my name is mr brant how are you who am i speaking

with rob rob okay is this the kind of ymc where i can come and stay yes it is okay is there how

How much is it?

A single room with shared bathroom.

It's $45 a night.

There is a $10 key deposit.

You need to be 18 years of age or older.

You need to have a valid picture ID.

Check-in is no later than 9.

And check-out is 10 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Okay, I understand.

And is there rooms available right now?

Yes.

I was hoping to share the bathroom.

Is there a special code for having sex in the bathroom with men?

I do not know.

You don't know the code?

Is there a special area where the white men sleep only?

All right, I'll read that home.

I'll ask about their showers because I'm shy.

Thank you for calling Central Branch YMCA.

This is Rob.

How may I help you?

Yeah, do you have shower facilities there?

You need to be a YMCA member to utilize the shower facilities.

Okay, and how much is a shower membership just for shower, machine, and toilet?

we don't have that you don't so i would have to get regular uh membership for that correct does

it include sauna yes okay all right and do you provide the towel for the sauna uh we do have

towel service yes okay good good good so then i'm allowed to i cover myself with the towel but i i

can remove my underwear my clothes you have you don't have a rule against um uh underwear uh you

should not be naked yeah well i will have the towel over my part yeah okay okay that's fine

Yeah.

Okay, sometimes the towel goes up like a tent,

so it actually just shows my inner calf and inner thighs and stuff like that,

but the part itself is always covered.

To you, whatever you want to do.

Okay, all right.

And then so you recommend no more than like 30 minutes in the sauna?

I do not make any recommendations at all.

Well, there's a recommendation usually on the door, 10, 15 minutes for your safety.

If it says that on the door, then that's what it is.

I have no idea.

I do not utilize the sauna myself.

Is this a sauna where you have the dipper of the water and you put the water on the rocks?

Or is it an electric machine?

Electric.

It's an electric machine, sauna machine?

Yeah.

Okay.

And how much room is inside?

I'm sorry?

How much room is inside?

What do you mean by how much room is inside?

In the sauna, how much room is inside?

I'm not really sure, but if I were to take a guess, it's sort of like 5 feet by 10 feet.

All right, five by ten.

So you can get...

I'm only guessing, though.

You can get four or five guys in there?

I believe so.

Okay, can I bring eucalyptus leaves for the smell?

No, no.

Come on, man.

Like, it's really good.

Like, it clears the pores out, and it gets the phlegm out and everything?

No.

It's just simple heat.

And no water on the rocks because it's electric, and no aromas or anything like that.

Mountain dew?

I'm sorry?

Mountain dew?

I have no idea what mountain dew is.

The drink, Mountain Dew?

You allow bottled water, that's it, in the facilities.

Just bottled water?

Yeah, sports water.

You know, sports bottle, you can drink sports drinks when you exercise and stuff like that.

But no sodas or anything, alcoholic drinks is basically banned for sure.

No, I don't want alcohol.

I don't want alcohol.

Why are you doing this?

But there's no sodas in the facilities, only water to, you know, or...

What about broth?

Broth?

Basically, we just say sports drinks or water when you exercise.

Yeah, I know, but I'm on an exercise plan where you don't drink sports drinks or anything.

What you drink is broth as you're working out, cold broth, bone broth.

I guess if you have it in the sports water bottle, nobody would question you.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, okay, that sounds good.

You don't have broth there, do you?

No, we don't.

Okay, all right.

That's excellent because I could have warm broth there.

If I'm in the sauna, I can put the broth next to the warmer, the heater, you know, and it'll get warm.

Like it'll start boiling and then I'll drink it.

It won't boil.

It doesn't get that hot?

Boiling at 212.

I don't think it gets to 212.

Hey, hey, hey, ho, la, la, eucalyptus coming.

Any other questions?

Eucalyptus coming.

I'm sorry?

Eucalyptus coming.

I have no idea what you're speaking of.

When I was strolling with my baby and I was like, our love is here to stay.

All I can say, to utilize the sauna, you have to be a member.

Remember, $51 a month.

Okay, I got $51.

Okay, I can put it through now.

I'm sorry?

You want me to put it through now?

No, membership office is not open.

No?

It's open tomorrow between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m.

But I need to take a shower right now.

I need to clean my asshole.

We're not open at all.

Motherfucker.

We're not open.

What about if I pay $10 and you let me sleep with the poor people, with the dirty people?

Sorry, say that again?

With the dirty people, do you have a dirty people section there?

No, we don't.

For homeless people?

No, we don't.

You don't have a homeless shelter that's $10, it says here on the website?

No, we don't.

Okay.

Aaron, are you there?

Yes.

Do you remember speaking to my associate, Brent Westwood, and telling him that it was $10 a fee for a locker fee and you have to be at least 18 years of age?

Right, Mr. Westwood?

Yeah, well, it was $45, and then you had sex with a man in the...

There's a special code.

You know you're in violation of some serious federal laws for denying that you have a homeless shelter there when someone's in need.

You're in violation of the Good Samaritan law, sir.

Two of us.

ADA, hence ADA regulations.

It's two of us, man.

Gotcha.

I bet you could have got him going to measure the thing with the tape measure.

I'm good, though, eh?

Yeah, that's crazy.

I mean, where this is, is it's literally right, the YMCA is like, I don't know, it's right on the beach.

$45, it's cheap.

Honolulu, I know, has a big homeless problem.

It's because a lot of, because the weather's so good, it never gets cold.

Right.

So people figure you go there.

If you're going to be homeless, imagine being homeless in Hawaii where the weather's always nice and it's like a paradise.

Oh, yeah, you know, that'd be the best option, I think.

When you can just eat pineapples, they grow wild, like, you know.

Yeah.

And papaya.

you can you can you could take a stick and throw it in the water and you catch a fish every time

yeah i've done it yeah or you get the net the big net and you go out on the reef

that's how you do it yeah come on you can live off the line that's the land of milk and honey hawaii

yeah anyway i'm sure those guys live on the beach like brad carter did once

why not hey man beach freeze for the people man it's the people's beach sit there

i think this is waikiki

all right royal garden chinese ready for that yeah all right because i know you gave me another

one you said uh what uh oh office depot is and 24-hour fitness are both in there as well what

the 24-hour fitness uh we'll go for a royal garden first okay i feel like some kung pao chicken

because i can bump priorities hello is this the chinese yes okay do you have uh pineapple fried

rice we have pineapple and ham pineapple and ham fried rice is that for the hawaiians uh i don't

know you don't know you're not hawaiian you're chinese yeah but not hawaii this this okay are

Are you, where, where, where country are you from?

This is, we serve Hong Kong style food.

Hong Kong.

Oh, Hong Kong style food, no Mandarin?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

How long after I eat the food do I make a shit in the toilet?

Hang on one second.

Let me find out.

Great.

What if I can get it delivered to the YMCA?

Yeah, there you go.

Bounce call them or shall we wait?

Yeah, let's call them there.

Hello, Goddang.

Hello, I was talking to you before about the pineapple ham fried rice.

Mm-hmm.

You put me on hold for way too long.

What was happening there?

I didn't put you on hold.

Oh, it's somebody else?

Yeah, we want to order something to go.

Oh, yeah, no, can you deliver?

No, we don't deliver.

Because I'm at the YMCA tonight, you know where that is?

Yeah, but we don't deliver.

Okay, so can I, but I have to be, I have to be in at a certain time, so.

Mm-hmm.

So, what I need to know is that how long until, how long will it take for me to make shit after I eat the food?

With my doctor, but he's closed right now.

Because last time I ate, I ate at the So Gong Dong.

Do you know where that is?

Okay, it's on the corner of Makalalalu.

Yeah.

Yeah, and as soon as I eat, I had to make a shit right away.

Do you think it's the same with you or not?

Oh, that one I don't know.

Okay.

You don't know.

Okay, because Vietnamese food is different, right?

Yeah.

Do you serve, can I get Vietnamese food there?

No, this is Chinese food.

Chinese?

But is it, do you have, do you have crab cheese wontons?

No, we don't.

No?

Is that more like Mandarin?

Cantonese.

Cantonese, I see.

I understand.

Okay, well, yeah, I would like to make an order to pick up.

Okay, so what would you like to pick up?

I would like to pick up General Tso's chicken.

What kind of chicken?

General Tso. Do you know him?

No, we don't.

You don't have General Tso's chicken?

No, we don't.

T-S-O. General Tso.

No, we don't know what that is.

Holy shit. Aren't you Chinese?

Yeah, I think you can call other restaurants.

We don't carry that kind of food.

Okay, okay. How about, do you have Cream Somiangai?

No, different restaurant.

one you call the different restaurant you have rice rice yeah just white rice one right yep we

don't have brown rice no one i suggest you come down take a look the menu rice we want rice one

yeah we have rice one rice yeah okay one papay people so you can come down and order yeah one

oil what is that one oil we don't have that yeah you just take the oil that you put in the food

and just put it in a cup and that's what i want hey i'm gonna come down i'm gonna pull your pants

Pants down on your underwear.

Oh, man.

He was going to...

I think he understands pants and underwear.

I know they don't have fucking general sauce chicken.

Fuck, that's what I said.

Do you have rice?

Yeah, I'll have rice.

One rice.

No, no, we don't have...

What did he say?

What did the guy say?

Shit.

We don't have that.

Can I ask you something?

Thank you for calling the World Guardian Chinese restaurant.

Sorry, we can't come to the phone.

So sorry.

Fucker.

That guy.

He sounds like he's short and fat, like the fat Buddha, right?

Doesn't he sound like that?

Yeah, no.

No, he sounds like he looks just like the South Korean leader or whatever that fucking guy is.

It's the Home Depot. I think we already called it.

No, it's not. It's Office Depot.

Oh, yeah. Well, okay, okay.

Yeah, I put it in wrong. The wrong name.

You made a presumption that it was Home Depot.

So many kinds of depots. It's hard to keep track.

War Depot.

Venus Depot.

The Navy Depot.

The Depot Depot.

I'd love to see what it says here. May I help you?

Yes, hello. What was the name?

Tina.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was Zita, like some crazy foreigner name.

Okay, I'm looking for what is the price for the three-ring binders?

And then also, do you have any sales for the spiral notebooks?

What type of notebook?

Spiral notebooks with the ring, you know, that goes down.

You tear the pages out, you write with the pen on the paper.

Okay.

Let me get that for you.

Hold on.

All right, hurry up.

We've been mailed to you with free shipping for 50,000 catalogs.

We've been mailed across the country.

Office Depot can meet your needs.

Visit now, officepot.com slash CPD.

Or go to a store near you and let us help your business succeed.

Better?

Yeah, it's a little better.

What do you need a pack of paper for?

I've got to get her back on the phone and complain about that shit.

Arts and crafts, presentations, invitations, certificates, or photos.

Office Depot has it all.

From everyday copy paper, laser to inkjet, photos, and multi-purpose, even recycled paper.

Office Depot has it all.

They even call them depot.

I'm going to take care of your business.

Jason speaking.

Sorry.

Hello.

Jason?

Yes.

I was just speaking to someone about the three-ring binders and the spiral notebooks.

Was it a guy or a girl?

It was a woman, but the problem is that now I can barely hear because the whole music was so loud.

No, the hold music was so loud and annoying and obnoxious.

I don't think I want to buy there.

The jingle just turned up way too loud.

Are you with me there?

No, I don't want to go back on hold.

That's the problem.

I just want to know how much the spiral notebooks are and how much the three-ring binders are.

Oh, all black only.

You know how I like it.

Do not put me on hold.

Sounds like he has a toothpick in his mouth.

Sounds.

Like them dudes that have a toothpick in his mouth 24-7.

Right.

Or he has four chins and he can't open his mouth all the way.

No, he just always has a toothpick because it's cool.

It's a cool thing for him.

I started doing that.

I always have a toothpick in my mouth.

I'm going to just always have one of those tooth flossers in my mouth

because it's basically the same thing.

But, like, the big side out, you know?

Yeah.

With a little food on it.

Yeah.

This guy is taking too long.

but i don't want to be on hold he answered saying thank you for calling depot yeah he just got off

a smoke break you know what i mean hello three inch three inches good about 13.99 oh is that

like a four pack or what this one binder oh man that's too much what about the spiral notebooks

it's school time i need to i need to get a spiral notebooks you know like 10 of them

see because my i i i write like really important shit down you know like how much the bills are

and who i have to pay and then then my fucking kids come and they write all inside of the shit

you know so i have to buy a bunch of them the color you know and they say oh daddy look it's

so pretty and i'm like you're fucking stupid go away i'm busy okay i got tip on the floor

okay yeah all right i don't think he was listening to me i think he's so high right now

yeah he's i just come off break we're at the depot my name is um i gotta help your business

businesses and i hope you're off from business jesus christ you got the help that was the single

most best greeting i've ever had calling a fucking business ever in my life there's a depot this

depot uh wait is your name depot it's like what what depot i ain't telling them office or home

they gotta figure that out in case i'll fuck up and be like be like no you call home depot

must be that is i'd say that i don't think this guy does a lot of walking he is slow as shit

Office steve-o cannot be that big. You probably got on the ground. I got distracted with something

Okay

I'm looking for the wide rule

But you just want to hang any notebook. Well, I want the cheap ones

$3.00. No, that's too much man. I need to for dollar you got that over there

I know is that is it far away? I mean, it's

You know, can you call somebody else up or whatever? I mean, don't you guys have a walkie-talkie or something?

there's only me on the floor so oh you're the only one on the floor so the stupid woman that

i answered she's just the phone person is that the deal yeah she just stays in the front all right

did you just come off break or something uh no it's like i'm only one on the floor so i gotta

help everybody oh okay that's fine i understand that um how much marijuana did you smoke on your

lunch break i didn't have a break no break okay but definitely marijuana right i didn't get a

Okay, well, here's the thing is that I'm trying to find, I'm just,

what I really want to find is somebody who I can buy marijuana from.

Yeah, you choom.

Do you know anybody?

Do you choom?

You know choom?

Choom choom?

No, man, no.

You know what it is?

You give me a finer speed and we'll talk.

Okay.

What time you get off?

In a few minutes.

Oh, man.

I'm at the YMCA.

You know what that is?

Yeah.

My wife, she kicked me out.

Oh, no.

No.

But I still got a lot of these fucking school supplies.

So, you know, what do I do?

Trying to get some smoke and, you know, maybe a blowjob from a man at the YMCA.

You going to come in tomorrow?

It's going to sell all week.

Lots of deals.

Okay.

All right, well, what about the other thing?

I'll be here.

I'm working every day.

All right, then.

What was your name?

Depot?

Jason.

Jason at Depot.

All right, then, bro.

What do you weigh in at?

You're 3, 350?

I don't know.

You got to explain it.

I don't know.

You know how much.

You're a big motherfucker, aren't you?

I can tell.

I don't want to mess around.

I don't want to get you upset.

Yeah, I got some other customers.

They call me, like, over Twitter.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

You good?

All right, I'm good, yeah.

All right, we'll talk to you later, big motherfucker.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

That guy's about it.

He's like, yeah, whatever.

Whatever, man.

Gotta ask the ladies.

Well, if you give me a finder's fee, maybe we can...

seriously though this is depot title of this show depot this is depot this should be sleep deprived

for some reason yeah this is depot uh you notice how he was like i kept talking asking about the

weed and he was like i didn't get no break yeah i didn't get like yeah i smoked weed but i didn't

get it on the break yeah you got it i mean only a stupid person would say yeah sure come on let's

get weed from a random call at work a very public workplace right i seriously hope that young man is

joking if not he's stupid korean restaurant all right shit in the toilet i'm shitting in the

toilet uh there should be a 24-hour fitness in between there too see if i can buy some weed from

somebody over there always good shower action's good shower yeah sauna action sauna etiquette

thank you for calling 24-hour fitness with state-of-the-art equipment certified personal

We're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

For new membership information, press 1.

For club address and directions, press 2.

For the club operating hours, press 3.

For group exercise information, press 5.

For member services, press 6.

To repeat these options, press star.

Did you know you can now visit member services online to manage your membership?

You can make payments, view and update your billing information, order a copy of your agreement, and much more.

It's convenient, easy, and most important, secure.

Go to www.24hourfitness.com.

I think the woman who did this thing, she used to be a porn.

Please note that our member services department is now closed.

Please call us back toll free.

Made us wait that whole time.

Give me the fucking front desk.

That wasn't the front desk.

Let's check those options again.

Thank you for calling 24 Hour Fitness.

with state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal training.

All right, I did zero. Fuck it.

There you go.

Fucking shit.

There's a ton of them out here, dude.

Big game.

Literally three in like a five-mile area.

Thank you for calling.

Hello?

Why are you whispering, sir?

I don't know.

I couldn't understand.

Which one is this?

Which location?

This is a Kapi'olani location.

Okay.

What street is that on?

It's on Kapiolani Boulevard.

Oh, okay.

I understand.

Thank you.

So what I want to find out is the shower etiquette there.

I'm a member from, oh, I see you right next to the 678 or some shit.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm looking for, what is the shower etiquette at this location?

Is it towel optional?

You know, is it naked all the time?

What's the deal?

And also with the sauna, is it towel?

You got to have the towel on in the sauna?

For the shower, we have bath towels available at the front desk.

And then, yeah, you can just put your contents in the locker,

and then you can take a shower here if you want.

Okay, yeah, that's fine.

But I wanted to shower naked, and then also sauna naked.

Is that frowned upon?

No, you can actually do that.

Okay, that's fine.

Because I was hoping to have a homosexual encounter while I'm in town.

So are you interested?

No.

Okay.

Okay. Is that, is that, is this the kind of location that supports that, those activities, or?

Uh, so, I think.

Alright, alright, you're not sure? I mean, you guys have cameras in the, uh, in the showers, or not?

Nope.

Okay, good, good, good.

Alright, and then, uh, so, what time would, if I was to be having a homosexual encounter with a man,

what time do you think the best time to come around would be?

Like, later evening time, or?

Our rush hour here is probably like 5 o'clock, so if you want, you can come around that time.

I don't know.

Okay, because I have this app on my phone, and it tells me where I can get my heterosexual or homosexual activities,

and I just need to find a place to meet.

I just push in where I am, and then I want to have my asshole licked, and then I say I meet at the 24-Hour Fitness.

So that's not going to be a problem?

I don't think so. It shouldn't be.

Okay.

Well, that sounds great.

I'm very excited because I called the YMCA and they weren't willing to facilitate my

request, which is weird because I thought that was, you know, what the place was all

about.

Okay.

What was your name again?

Royce.

So you're not sure about that?

Did you have to make that up or?

No.

Okay.

All right.

All right, Royce.

I'll make sure and ask for you when I'm coming in for my accommodations.

Does that sound good?

All right.

Thank you very much, sir.

Yeah, no problem.

Bye.

Fuck, man.

Wow.

wow and that guy was fucking stupid god he's yeah uh you ever see clerks too uh i think i have but

i can't remember much of the dialogue oh do you just remember the character of the younger kid

that worked there had the braces he was like 19 20 years old it sounded like that guy yeah he

reminded me like a hawaiian version of that he's like he sounded like he had ass breakers or

something a little yeah he's like yeah i guess there's actually now that guy just smoked weed

on his break no doubt no doubt they all do it's called choom chooming over there

that's why that guy was like oh yeah yeah thank you for calling 24 hour fitness

with state-of-the-art equipment certified personal trainer gonna give him a try yeah

what was that guy's name royce uh yeah hey royce yeah what's up hey royce what's up it's beans

are any of the guys there right now well you know the usual crowd you know that we hang out in the

the shower look i usually i usually i usually come in i use a treadmill for five minutes and

i'm in the shower for about 30 you know me the older bigger guy yeah yeah are any of the guys

back there right now before i drive out there i think so is anyone in the showers now and yeah

how's the action tonight uh it's pretty slow at the gym right now so i don't think there's

anything going okay all right okay um hey if uh you guys get busy there just give me a call

it's me beans all right i'll see you all right all right that guy's fucking stupid

all right

yeah it's kind of slow

the 24 fitness on in in this uh in the waikiki or like starbucks there's one literally in like

20 bucks away wow one in front of the other yeah call me other one give me a number

Working on it.

We got a lot.

Oh, we got to call the Hilton.

There's the, I got to get some hooker turds from the Hilton.

Okay, hooker turds.

You want the Hilton?

Can I do the one before that, though?

The Grand Waikiki-an?

Yeah, no, that's the Hilton.

Oh, that is the Hilton.

Oh, okay, it's a big one.

All right, I got you.

Making the jumps.

Milkman, you still here?

Milkman?

No, he's not on the Skype anyway.

Calling the Grand Waikiki-an Suite by Hilton Grand Vacations.

For dialing instructions in English, please press 1.

For club reservations, please press 1.

For non-club reservations, please press 2.

For the concierge, please press 3.

For...

Please wait. Your call is being transferred.

Concierge.

Got it.

Hello?

I don't speak Japanese.

What the... What the... What was that?

fuck dude he's just growling off japanesey japanesey she's there with some japanese people

like oh how do i open the door by hilton grand vacation like how does

instructions in english please press one you have entered an invalid option please wait while we

transfer you to the upper okay okay easy easy all right i didn't hit one first sorry i'm getting

and running me to the semi-national center.

Welcome, and thank you for calling the Grand Waikiki.

For club reservations, please press...

Please wait. Your call is being transferred.

Say mooshy-mooshy this time.

What the f...

Why are we getting hung up on this fucking crazy...

We didn't even talk to them.

Laid-back jazz.

What the fuck?

I'll try someone else.

Bullshit, man.

Let's get to the operator.

She straight-up slammed the phone.

And thank you for calling the Grand Waikiki suite by hill...

For club reservations, please press 1.

For non-club reservations, please press 2.

For the concierge, please press 3.

For sales, please press 4.

For marketing, please press 5.

For the front desk, please press 6.

For the two-way, your call is being transferred.

All right, I got this.

What's wrong with the concierge here?

Aloha, Hilton Navigation.

Front desk Yumi speaking.

How may I assist you?

Hi, what was your name again?

Hi, Yumi.

Yumi. Okay, Yumi, I was just transferred to the concierge I got hung up on two times.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Is there anything I can help you?

Can you explain this action to me?

I'm not too sure because I'm not a concierge.

They were speaking in Japanese and I don't understand Japanese and it made me feel stupid.

Okay, what number did you call?

We called this number and we pressed the button for the concierge and they were speaking Japanese-y.

Okay, sir, I'm going to have you speak to our resort manager. One moment.

No, I want to talk to you, Yumi.

Do not transfer me.

I hate hold music.

I bet you she is, Yumi.

You can trust him deep inside.

You know that, man.

What the fuck is with the hold music?

He's like, I don't need to wear a condom.

It's just me, you, and no one else trying to call you.

Aloha, may I help you, sir? Ma'am.

What? Hello? No, I'm not a ma'am.

I can't help you.

Hello, this is Mr. Westwood calling. Who are you?

Mr. Westwood. My name is John Reagan. You're Mr. Westwood?

Yes, that's correct.

All right, Mr. Westwood, what can I do for you, sir?

What happened is I called two times. I got transferred to the concierge,

and they were speaking in Japanese, and they hung up on me.

I don't understand why. It happened two times.

And then I was speaking with Yumi, and she did not want to deal with me,

and she transferred me to you, sir.

All right, and how may I assist you? I'd be glad to help you.

All right, I need you to look into the lost and found for me.

That's all I just need, the lost and found.

So you want me to transfer you to lost and found?

Is that an actual place? Yes, that would be wonderful.

Is that an option when I push the buttons on the computer machine or not?

I have no idea what the options are.

Don't you run the ship there?

Aren't you the captain?

I'm the resort manager.

I don't know what you're looking at right now.

You don't know what the buttons are?

You don't know what the buttons do?

I don't.

Are you calling from a guest room?

I don't know where you're calling from, sir.

I'm calling from my house.

I'm not there anymore.

I'm calling because of lost and found.

I talked to three people.

Two of them hang up on me.

Now I speak to you, sir.

So I'm trying to assist you, sir, okay?

Mr. Westwood.

I'm trying to assist you.

Shall I transfer you or shall I hear what you lost and all that

and then find it and get back to you?

I'm fine either way.

Let's go with the lost and found first.

If they cannot resolve my issue, I will call you back, sir.

What is your name?

My name is John Reagan, R-E-A-G-A-N.

I'm the resort manager in the Hilton Grand Vacation Club, Grand Mikey Canyon.

That sounds wonderful.

Ronald Reagan's brother.

I will call you back if I cannot have this resolved, sir.

Please transfer me now.

Push buttons.

That guy sucks cock.

Mr. Westwood?

Yes.

Okay, hold on one second, please.

All right.

This is exhausting.

I better Shazam it.

The only one that speaks English is the resort manager.

Shit.

Security, can I help you?

Hello, security, is this lost and found?

All right, let me transfer you.

Fool.

Jesus Christ, if I get transferred again, I'm going to scream.

Hello?

Fuck.

That was an Easter egg reference, I just made.

I got to, oh, we're going to talk to security.

Security, how can I help you?

Hello, security. I've been transferred to the place two times, and I cannot find my item.

Please don't transfer me again.

Do you hear me?

Which item? Sorry?

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

I've already spoken with Mr. Reagan, and he will have anyone's job if I have any problems again.

Do you understand?

Sir, there's no need to be rude. I'm just helping you try and find your item.

I need lost and found, but no one is answering.

I've been transferred and hung up on three times.

I spoke with Yumi, Yummy, whatever her name is.

Now, can you look in the lost and found for me, or are you just in a little, like, box somewhere in the basement?

No, no, I can look in the lost and found log. That's why I was asking about the item.

Oh, okay, so everything that gets lost gets written down, is that right?

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, okay, well, I'm not certain that if they found this item that they would put it in the lost and found.

So, is the log online? Can I look at the log?

No, only we can see it.

And is it written, or is it on a computer?

You can pull it up at your station, or do you have to, like, put me on hold again?

No, I have it up in front of me right now.

Oh, okay, this is great.

Okay, so what it is, is that I visit the hotel with a woman who is not my wife.

Do you understand what I'm saying there?

Yeah.

And then I have her defecate into a plastic bag, and then I save the hooker turds, and I bring them home with me.

Okay.

But I left mine the last time I was there.

Oh, no.

So is that in the log?

Sometimes it gets thrown away.

Let me take a look here, see what I got.

It would just be probably bag of shit.

Well, it could be under excrement, too.

Let me take a look under that.

Which room were you in?

It was, like, I don't know.

I arranged it with the prostitute.

Oh, but you don't remember which room you guys came to?

No, I was using drugs.

A lot of these are logged under, like, what room it was found in.

I mean, it's probably the only hooker turds with ejaculate that got lost,

but I'm sure it just got thrown away.

Oh, okay, with that as well, okay.

Okay. Well, let me try searching with that, too.

And you spoke to John Reagan earlier today, or maybe about a few minutes ago?

I spoke with him about trying to get transferred to Lost and Found.

I did not want to bother him with my issue.

I just wanted to get this figured out.

The only reason I spoke with him is because I got hung up on two times.

They just kept transferring me.

Yeah. Well, I could see them hanging up on you.

So here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to hang up the phone now, and you're not going to call back again.

And if you do, I'm going to call the police for harassment.

Okay? Have a good day.

What are the police going to do?

Are they going to...

You're a fake police.

What a little fuck.

I wasn't even making prank callings when they hung up on me, stupid man.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Call back for John Reagan.

Call back for security.

I want to talk to that guy.

This is AT&T security.

Thank you for calling the Grand Waikiki and Suites by Hilton Grand Vacation.

What was the option?

For dialing instructions in English.

Get me Yumi again.

Front desk and then security.

To speak to the operator at...

For club reservations, please press 1.

I just forget the options.

For non-club reservations, please press 2.

I think it was 6.

For the concierge, please press 3.

For sales, please press 4.

For marketing, please press 5.

For the front desk, please press 6.

For the tours and activities desk, please wait.

Your call is being transferred.

I was going to see if they had security on.

Hi, Hilton Advocations.

How may I assist you?

Hello, is this Yumi?

Yumi?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Can you transfer me to security, please?

Sure, one moment.

Thank you.

Hurry the fuck up.

Lost your phone.

Please hold.

Fuck.

I think they're calling the cops.

You can hang up.

Lost your phone.

Please hold.

The actual apartment.

$500 a night to stay at this hotel.

It's like 7 o'clock over there.

Why is the resort manager there on a Sunday?

Thank you.

How can I help you?

Hello.

Who is this?

Hello.

I'm sorry.

Is this lost and found?

Yes, sir.

Oh, okay.

Thank God.

I've been trying to reach you for a few moments.

You must have been on the phone or eating a sandwich or something.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

I asked if you could hold, so I guess you didn't hear me.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you're stuffing your fat face.

I'm looking for something.

Oh, wow, we seem to have lost the connection there rather abruptly.

Well, their phone seems to be working better.

You're welcome, and thank you for calling the Grand Waikiki and Suites by Hilton Vacations.

The club reservations.

Please, please wait.

Your call is being transferred.

Shit.

He would have done it right after he got up on you.

Fuck it.

I'm going to fucking die.

Fuck it.

Sorry.

Hello, hi.

Hilton Grand Vacations Club.

This is Toshiya speaking.

Thank you so much for calling, sir.

Uh-huh.

Oh, um, I need Lost and Found, please.

Lost and Found, would you please hold?

Yeah.

Lost and Found?

Oh, yes, hello, is this the fat fucking Lost and Found?

Hey, we can do this all night, boss.

Oh, oh, oh.

all right let's call random puerto rican phone number

wait put another i put another 24 hour fitness in the skype chat it's one like right down the

street from the other one all right give me a second yes sir yes sir let's help next next

priority all right let's try well i'm sorry i just want to do random puerto rican number

let's try another one that's fine i hear if you like you speak up really loud and enunciate they

can understand english yeah the louder you speak yes hello hi how are you hola yes hello estoy

estoy llamando de la constitución yes mi nombre es aculo aculo aculo aculo why are you talking

about your asshole i think i'm gonna try to do puerto rican wake up calls later

I think that's awesome.

I'm just going to say dumb shit to them.

See what they leave.

They're like, oh, fuck them.

They get mad.

All right.

But before that, we have 24-hour fitness machines.

Milkman, what's the area code in the Virgin Islands?

Milkman?

Milkman's being raped by a tech.

Three, four, zero.

Zero, zero, zero.

Gotcha.

Triple zero.

Thank you for calling 24-hour fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers,

and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours,

We're committed to helping you meet your goals on YouTube.

What was it, three?

Shit.

For your workout convenience, we're open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

That was a zero.

Zero.

For our fitness Waikiki super sport, this is Mark.

Yes, hello, Mark.

My name is Mr. Westwood, and I'm calling about I'd like to visit your facility,

but I was wondering about the shower and the sauna etiquette, whether it's towel optional or...

We actually don't have a sauna at this location.

Oh, but there's a shower, yes?

Yes, yeah, we do have showers.

Oh, okay, yeah, because I was, I called, so there is a sauna at the Kapiolani Boulevard location, is that correct?

No, they don't have that one anymore.

A couple years ago after the renovation, they removed it.

It was just a small sauna that they wanted to add in locker space for.

I understand. Okay, that's fine.

Well, I was speaking to a gentleman over there about the showering accommodations

because I was looking to make a homosexual encounter inside of the shower or the sauna.

I'm visiting from out of town, and I just wanted to make sure that it was towel optional.

Is this a prank?

No, sir.

I have an app on my phone.

It tells where I am, and then it tells where somebody else who wants to have an encounter with me would like to meet.

The YMCA is closed, so I need to come here.

Okay.

Well, you might be asked to leave after that, and I don't know if you have a membership.

Yeah, I don't have a member.

It's nationwide, right?

I mean, if I'm a member in Seattle, I'm a member in Hawaii, right?

Yeah, as long as you have access to the right facility.

Do you have a Supersport membership?

I believe so.

I pay a lot of money for it.

I don't know.

Well, my wife actually handles most of it, but she's not with me on this trip,

which is why I'm trying to get my asshole licked.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, I don't know.

Maybe you should call over there then just to find out.

Okay.

Well, do you know of another place that would, you know, besides,

because the hotels are really expensive down here.

I hit my appointment here.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Sorry about that.

Bye-bye.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks for checking.

What a nice guy.

Get your asshole licked.

I need to get my asshole licked.

That was sweet.

Just let it right in there, man.

Here's another random Puerto Rican phone.

I think I mistyled it.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry to make us wait that long.

Are there any Planet Fitnesses out there in Hawaii?

I'll look for other fitness.

There's a, what did I just put in there?

Look at 24-Hour Fitnesses.

They're all over here in California, open all night.

24-Hour Fitness.

That's what we're calling, buddy.

Real popular.

Yeah, we're calling.

Where are they?

Are they open all night?

Yeah.

Like 24-Hour.

All of them are.

Most of them are.

Like they don't close?

Yeah, they don't close.

Oh, okay.

Like, they're 24 hours, like they say, the name, right?

But 24-Hour Fitness is open about, like, eight hours a day.

Okay.

They just use that name so people will...

It's, like, up to...

It's totally open 24 hours.

It's, like, up to...

I don't get it.

$83 fucking dollars a month if you want to start up.

Trust me, man, a lot of yucky socks go up in there.

It's up to 24 hours.

You never get...

Okay.

You never get...

All right, well, I knew it was at least...

I knew it was eight hours last time I checked.

to read out a fitness mail.

Hi, I'm calling the Royal Hawaiian

Velocity Collection Resort. This is your call.

How may I assist you?

Hello? The Royal Hawaiian Hotel?

Yes, it is. Oh, is this the front desk

or is this concierge? This is operator.

How may I assist you?

Oh, okay, operator. Is there, uh,

are you lost and found also?

Are you in the hotel or are you in, like,

someplace else? We're in the hotel.

Would you like to speak to lost and found?

Uh, do they

speak American? Yeah.

Okay, fine.

Yes, I would like to speak to them.

Okay, thank you.

Metal Soft Duvet.

Now you can get your...

Yeah, I'm in the kinky side of town.

That's where all the pro girls are, man.

Glad to see some of this shit, dude.

Hello, security.

Sprycin.

Hello, sir.

I am looking for Lost and Found.

Yes, this is Lost and Found.

Oh, okay, but you said security.

Is it the same place?

Yeah, we are Lost and Found, yes.

Okay, I understand.

Do you have a log that shows the things that are missing,

or does it just get in a box and then you guys take it home after, like, a month or something?

We have both.

Oh, you have both?

Okay, good.

Yeah, so I'm never going to get my cell phone back, that's for sure.

But what I'm actually looking for is I stayed there about four nights ago with a woman who was not my wife.

Do you understand what I mean when I say that?

Okay.

Okay, like a lady of the night.

But I don't have sex with her.

So what I do is I just have her, well, what I lost was an item that was left over from that night.

So, you know, I don't know.

She arranged the hotel.

I don't know what room it was.

I just paid her the money.

She, so it was her room?

I think so.

Is there like a couple that just work right out of there or what?

Do you remember what room it was?

I think it was on the, you know, it wasn't very high up.

It was, you know, maybe the third floor.

At the Sheridan?

Yeah.

Yeah, let me give you a second, I can't remember, I was, so I just come, you know, I leave my family and stuff behind, I come out there to really party, so.

Okay.

So I was on a lot of drugs, so what it is, is that I have her, I have her defecate into a plastic bag, it's a hooker turd, and then I, I, I then finish on the turd, and that's, I usually take them with me as souvenirs, but I forgot it this time.

okay so you forgot her shit yeah it's in a bag though it's all sealed up okay um i don't think

we have i don't think we have that here do you think they probably they would probably throw

that away the housekeeper or whatever yeah most likely they will throw that away okay but the

but the my cell phone they probably stole that right uh cell phone so you you're saying she

she stole your cell phone no no no i left my cell phone and the hooker turds at the it was just a

flip phone though it was like a you know because i get when i land on a plane i go to the thing i

get a cell phone that they can't track a burner phone you know but i i still had some minutes

left on it so i just okay is there like a you know like a track phone or anything there it's

silver it's a flip phone track phone how many nights ago you say maybe like what day it was

like last weekend last weekend friday something like that i don't know okay uh you need to be

really specific because we have a lot of phones here oh okay it's silver and it's a flip phone

it says track phone track phone and um you don't really remember remember what day it was right

yeah maybe maybe sunday maybe monday i don't know let me figure out the date on that last weekend

what was the date oh today's the 24th so seven days 17th maybe 17th i mean i i really just want

the hooker turns back but that's not in there right you're not seeing that no it's keeping

him most likely to throw that away okay well because i mean you know i don't i don't have

sex with the women with the prostitutes that's gross okay what's the name of the phone the brand

name i don't know it's track phone you know but it's like trac i don't know what brand it was

it's just the ten dollar phone but i got a lot of minutes you don't see it there okay

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Sheraton Waikiki's hottest beachfront destination.

You're going to say shit.

Offering the largest selection of rums, tapas-style dining, and outdoor seating.

Open for lunch and dinner.

Come on.

You can't experience the incredible awe of a Sheraton sweet sleeper bed anywhere else in the world.

Except maybe your bedroom.

Because now you can hang a fucking sleeper bed.

The support of a firm mattress.

Because, I mean, you know, I don't have sex with the women with the prostitutes.

That's gross.

Even the pedal-soft duvet.

Ask us how you can get your own sweet...

Having sex with a prostitute is gross, apparently.

Yeah.

According to you.

Hang on, I'm going to give it a little bit longer and see.

All right, fuck it.

Random Puerto Rican phone number.

Nothing.

We'll try again later.

All right.

Next stop.

Have you, uh...

Did I put anything else in there?

I was talking on the phone.

Uh, that was the...

We've got gypsy shit.

Oh, no.

Okay, what was that?

Uh, Cheesecake Factory?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I skipped it.

Correct.

I got it.

Oh, we got a fucking, there's the airport, too.

Dude, I went a whole hour with one answer, I think.

I just kept calling.

God, it was miserable.

I've had nights like that.

You saved the night because I was about to quit.

I'm throwing it on you.

It just worked out.

I'm sorry for throwing it on you.

I was fucking sitting on the couch.

Yeah.

Well, you couldn't go on last night, right?

Hello, hi, good evening.

Thank you for calling the Cheesecake Factory of Honolulu.

This is Duran speaking.

How may I help you?

Yes, hello.

Hello, I'm looking for, I want to pick up a whole cheesecake to go.

Sure.

May I place you on a show hold, please?

Yeah, hurry up.

Super feminine.

Yeah.

A Big Kahuna pizza?

Big Kahuna burger.

You ever heard of Big Kahuna burger?

Yeah, this was.

This is the Cheesecake Factory.

Yeah, Cheesecake Factory.

I lost.

I forgot, too.

I zoned out.

Aloha, and thank you for calling the Cheesecake Factory of Honolulu.

This is Duran speaking.

How may I help you?

Yes, hello.

I was speaking to an effeminate man about ordering a cheesecake.

I was speaking to an effeminate man

about ordering a cheesecake

and I got put on hold for way too long.

Excuse me?

I don't think it's going to be short.

Excuse me, Eddie?

I said I was thirsty.

I didn't want a drink of water.

Hi, thanks for holding.

This is Brian. May I help you?

Oh, yes. Hello, Brian.

The lady transferred me to get...

I want to pick up a cheesecake.

Okay. What would you like?

I want the one with the chocolate and shit.

on the outside chocolate and shit we don't have any cheesecakes with shit on them sir well okay

it's like the it's like the cocoa powder you know it's kind of covered in white chocolate

it's got the shit you know the stuff excuse me on the outside i don't know i got 30 different

types of cheesecakes let me uh um let me take a look you want a whole 10 inch cheesecake

yeah 10 inches sounds good black black on the outside is this like a prank call because right

Right now, I feel like you're not being sincere.

I'm about ready to hang up on you.

You're the one who's talking about shit on a cheesecake.

Hey, listen, listen, listen to this real close.

Oh.

He made me fucking laugh.

Wow, see if we can get him back.

He took that part.

Oh, tough guy.

Listen here, real close.

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

Good.

Was there a problem with Mr. Brentwood?

Huh?

You upset Mr. Brentwood over here?

He walked out very upset right now.

Fantastic.

What is the problem?

Why did you talk to him like that?

No, no, no.

The gentleman was swearing at me.

He wanted a cheesecake with some kind of chocolate shit on it.

I'm like, sir, I'm sorry.

I don't know what cheesecake you want.

Then he was rude to me.

So I'm not sure if you're his friend, if you're part of this prank call.

No, no, no.

But I'm not.

I'm his handler.

He's from Seattle.

He talks with like this urban kind of thing.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, that's not acceptable in my line of business.

So I considered it a prank call, and I hung up on him.

Okay, but do you have the one with the chocolate and the different things on it?

I don't know what he's talking about.

I have 30 different types of cheesecake.

It's the machine, the cheesecake machine, cheesecake spaces.

What?

Chocolate machine.

I have chocolate mousse.

I have chocolate tuxedo.

There's cookie dough.

There's Hershey's.

There's Clue of Coco.

They all have chocolate.

Oreo Dream Extreme.

Cheesecake chocolate cappuccino, like little cappuccino flakes.

um the kalua cocoa some pickled dates go around it a little bit you know

nope nothing with dates i have nothing with dates on my menu yeah um maybe you want to come in and

take a look at it i'm sorry with the beans uh do you have the one with the chocolate beans i think

that would be kalua cocoa maybe yeah it's got the i don't have chocolate the chocolate and shit

again with the with the language please that's that's what we call it we're in west virginia

That's what we call it.

Well, we're not in West Virginia.

Yeah, I know, but we're not from Hawaii either.

You need to cooperate, okay?

This is how we talk.

You need to not swear at me.

Well, to us, it's not swearing.

Then I'm done talking to you, too.

Motherfucker.

They got one with the fucking pineapple.

Can you believe this?

I knew that bitch wouldn't put Cheetos on it.

Fuck.

He works at the Cheesecake Factory.

He said, I don't deal with that kind of language in my line of work.

what the fuck is he talking about i think he said chocolate and shit

milkman you ever deal with people like that in san francisco

you always hoity-toity something do you tell when you hear them say talk like that do you say oh

sorry off-duty off-duty i'm pretty i'm usually pretty i'm pretty clever by how i i do it with

to people they they never know what's really going on they always get some image

listen are you driving now yeah are you on you're on the job yeah i'm gonna pick up somebody in

about one block and a half here in japantown do you know my name's rata do you know who they are

already no i just know her name's rata all right she's in japantown and she's got a very low rating

will you um just mess with her will you stop the car when when she opens the door go a little bit

will you do it and let us hear what she says a little bit yeah just keep doing it but like so

hang on hang on hang on no no no no dude i can't do that because they can get hurt dude it's dark

here man i don't want to i don't want to run over somebody man okay okay let's just say

code on it right tell you what i'm dragging the motherfucker down there broke her ankle listen

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

All right, instead of that, without her opening the door,

like when you get to where she is,

like just do the really slow stop and brake, like obnoxiously slow.

Will you do that?

I'm doing it right now, and I don't see her anywhere.

Do the obnoxiously slow brake.

Did you just get it?

Right, yeah, I'm just drifting.

I'm drifting about like maybe a half mile an hour here, just rolling away.

And then, well, the next thing you got to do is that when she tells you where to go,

when she tells you where to go

you gotta wait like two

wait like two minutes

until she's like

excuse me

hold that off

excuse me

just let the meter

let the meter run

hang on

oh hi

hi

oh okay

hold on here

okay

he did it

hi

oh I didn't see you there

hi

you're going

you're all right

1900

yes

oh okay

how great he's gone

all right

well you've been shopping

and barbecue oh man i'm a motherfucker that sounds good you can't hear us milkman can they

hear us no he mutes us how can you do that you can't mute the hearing now we can't mute him

milkman turn it off okay no i think he did it yeah he said okay he said all right good good

milkman we'll be back for this later here's a gypsy which has been confirmed our first gypsy

prank call attempt ever i've been wanting to get hold of gypsies but they're very hard to track

down nunu has accomplished this uh using funds from the pc and patreon which we now have pc and

patreon patreon.com search pc call nation machine four four seven four four seven one zero seven

7-0-8-1.

Can't take your call right now.

Alright, thanks, Nunu.

Thanks, Nunu, for a good number.

Here's a different one. Female gypsy.

Uh, the gyppos?

Yeah, the Irish travelers.

Carolinas.

The stealing car.

I think I'm done. Thanks for being on.

You're welcome. I can do

Sunday nights a lot, actually.

Hey, you should do more Sunday nights.

It's hard to do

do by yourself it's hard to do the show by yourself with the numbers it is well yeah i just

got yesterday so are you using uh oh yeah you got your stomach staple huh good good my stomach

staple look at my ankle all mended so um uh the uh so you're using google voice huh yeah

yeah you like how's it you like it it sounds the sound quality is good i don't know it's

can you turn off all those dinging and shit though what's up with that oh yeah yeah i could

turn those off i like them i think it's kind of cool for now yeah some of them are cool yeah i

mean the i like that that way you know when they're hanging up sometimes you know i like

since i'm not doing that through skype which is where you're on at least that's a way for you to

hear that it's over you know oh right yeah exactly we know for a fact they've hung up the

line is dead yeah skype is problematic also skype is problematic but it's what i use for you know

connecting everyone everyone else on the conference oh yeah so how are you piping the the skype in

with the music and with the and the google voice how are you merging the sound together i just run

skype on my laptop and i pipe that into the other computer oh yeah that's your computer thing to my

mixer i'm sorry i pipe it into my mixer all it does is run skype right yeah well yeah skype

doesn't like to share no it doesn't so i have to keep it isolated on the laptop but you know

once i did that once i figured that part out of the equation and it's actually been working pretty

well yeah no that's that's not well i got a new laptop and i have my old one that's

fine for just like doing one thing but i'm not running a show anyway you're having trouble

with the laptop right and you didn't you didn't you fry one i think i did i well i fried that

one like right after christmas or something like that but then it i revived it but it's it works

but barely uh okay it's good enough to like play music on and stuff that's it yeah so then are you

are you still doing uh are you still using um shoutcast or not at all yeah yeah i'm still

still doing shoutcasts yeah um actually you might be interested because ken is using he's on a

computer that barely runs a lot either i think it has it's just it's a very slow computer okay

yeah sloth set up a virtual machine you can connect to to broadcast on mixler and on

shoutcast with get with sloth soften hooky up actually as a matter of fact

it's yeah actually yeah that'd be your best option get with can you get with him yeah can

you get in the chat if you do it well he's probably sleeping by now but i'll make sure you

two get together yeah i think i'm friends with him on on skype as well so or get or ken can give

you the info tell ken to tell you um if you're on skype you see if you see dwight you know so you

can yeah tell him tell him to give you the info to connect to it it's basically a website you go

too and from there you can i think you just have to call it and i don't know it's a long story i

don't want to oh yeah no i'm messaging uh the slots on the skypes right now okay okay all right

i'm gonna disconnect them uh okay i'll let milkman do a six year there and bye thanks for joining

yes good good yes good milkman milkman oh milkman's with a customer oh shit milkman has to

to mute us oh man and if i even if i skype him now he's not gonna pick up sorry milkman milkman says

goodbye

Calls (32, 1 h 58 min of 2 h 56 min)

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