Special Skin Condition
28 Aug 2014 · 1 h 6 min · 8,237 words · source
Calls (10, 38 min of 1 h 6 min)
- Thai restaurant order confusion live 9.6 min clip ↓
- Call to indexing support line live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Call to customer care line live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Zappos customer care about skin cream live 9.0 min clip ↓
- Zappos bra inquiry and hang-up live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Zappos bra and inappropriate comments live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Zappos return policy and pants inquiry live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Zappos customer service asked about images live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Salt Lake City shelter asking about sleeping and intimacy rules live 7.7 min clip ↓
- Hotel room service prank call live 2.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
What? What did you say?
So I can help you.
Oh, yeah, you can help me. Okay.
All right. Yes. Can you help me?
Yes.
Okay. I'd like to make an order.
One phu. Phu. One phu.
It's a Thai dish. It's called phu.
Is there a chef there, maybe?
You can ask someone who is Thai.
Are you Thai?
Yeah, I'm Thai. Yes.
Phu pho. Phu pho.
It has rice and coconut and meat.
Coconut milk and meat.
Yeah, it's called...
No, but you have to put phu in it. Phu.
fool me it's like this stuff you put in there you go fool fool like that you put it in you go fool
no this is thai restaurant you just said you have this hey shut up you just said you have
the soup right motherfucker yeah why did i have to curse
can i uh place or oh this is eddie can i place orders or are you come in inside and eat on sit
sit down on the table and eat it in the chair and maybe we can do a takeout yeah yeah you have all
the things to put it in the containers the spaces okay very nice all right so i'll place an order
one food uh yeah give me just one second one food okay what food do you want um let's see do you
have the sandwich spaces wait the what sandwich sandwich do you have sandwich there uh well we
We have, like, burgers and stuff.
Do you have a copy of our menu?
Because we have a big menu.
Yeah, no, I want the burger.
Just a regular hamburger machine.
Okay, so, like, a beef burger or a bison burger?
Like, what do you...
Meat.
Okay, so, do you want beef or bison, though?
Uh, beefen.
What do you mean?
Do you want beef or bison burger?
I don't know what you mean by bison.
Bison, like a buffalo meat?
Oh, those are extinct.
I'll take beef.
Okay.
Okay, so you just want the beef burger.
Yeah, don't be ignorant.
Okay, and do you want that with fries?
Two spaces.
Two spaces? What does that mean?
Two spaces of fries.
Oh, okay, so you just want like an extra thing of fries?
Yeah, I need it cooked with heat.
Okay.
One meat hamburger cooked with heat, one bread machine, vegetables.
Well, we don't do that here.
We only do like, we only cook our burgers one way.
You don't have bread machines?
No.
So what do you, that's not a burger then, that's just a piece of shit fucking round
pate fucking meat, you know?
Okay, hang on one second, I'll ask, hang on.
Alright.
Morning, you've got time for a hot home cooked breakfast.
Delicious and piping hot in only three microwave minutes.
Sir, I heard Claire was a little confused and you were looking at possibly doing a to-go
order?
Yeah, she's being ignorant.
She's ignorant.
Okay.
Well, let's make this happen.
and what would you like tonight?
One burger with meat cooked with heat.
Uh-huh.
One cheese machine, bread machine, vegetables.
Mm-hmm.
And then if you can take some...
Do you want fries?
Two spaces of fries.
Okay.
Okay, then if you can take some oil
and put an egg in it and emulsify it together,
add a little bit of salt and garlic powder to taste.
Okay.
Okay.
And you just want the one egg, or do you want two eggs?
How much oil are you going to use?
I'm not sure, sir.
Can you ask?
Would you like to tell me how much oil you'd like to use?
Well, I don't know.
This is not my job to know these things, to know the recipes.
It's not my job to do that.
How about a tablespoon for one egg and two tablespoons for two eggs?
One egg, yeah, and you need to cook it.
Everything needs to be cooked with heat at the end.
Okay.
Would you like one egg or two eggs?
We'll just double the oil from one tablespoon to two tablespoons.
Okay, we'll do two, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, put a little bit on the side in one container.
What on the side, sir?
A little bit of the emulsified egg and oil confection.
Not confection.
Thing.
I don't know.
I'm drawing a blank.
I'm drawing a blank right now.
Oh.
Oh.
On speakerphone, motherfucker.
Cunt.
Vagina.
Labia.
Everyone listen to me say bad words like labia and vulva.
Ejaculation.
You ready for me to put that order in?
No.
When are you going to be here?
How soon will that be ready?
A minute.
Okay.
Do you have bathrooms there?
We sure do.
What color is the interior?
It is a unburned.
Okay.
Wouldn't it be a problem if I ate inside there?
No, that would be no problem.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Sounds good.
Why don't you just come on in?
All right, honey.
All right.
Take care.
All right.
Bye.
Got enough.
For English, stay on the line.
Para continuar en español, presione el numero dos.
Family search indexing.
This is...
No.
Pardon me?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I was actually looking to see if you had a certain book on file in your card catalog machine.
Okay.
That was my first question.
Well, you've reached the indexing support.
Uh-huh.
And so where are you wanting to talk to a certain family history library?
Well, I'm looking for Mr. Alabia.
Okay.
Mr. A. Labia. His last name is L-A-B-I-A.
um i i really don't know um how i would contact that person um can you have her page can you have
mr alabia page no i really can't i i don't know that person well yeah that's the whole part that's
the whole point is finding out if they're there because you're not going to know who they are so
how does that doesn't help me if i'm trying to find them and you don't know who i'm telling to
to look for you know well um have you what what number did you call uh i called the family history
machine what is it called library family machine family history library machine
yeah um what are you wearing what may i have your your name please i'm wearing uh shorts like blue
blue, like, basketball shorts.
And then I have just, like, a sleeveless shirt, sleeveless black shirt,
and the shorts are, like, a dark blue mesh.
Do you have a question about family search indexing?
Yeah, yeah.
What did you have on?
That's not a question that pertains to that.
Well, no, because I was there earlier.
I'm trying to see if it was you that I talked to.
I could let you know who that person is.
But I don't know, you know, unless you tell me what you had on and what you were wearing,
I'm not going to know if it was you, you know?
Well, that's really not something that I'm going to discuss with you.
Well, I'm not there.
It's just to see if you're the person that I was, you know, in the area when that other person, Mr. Alavia, was around.
Did you have polyester on?
Sir, um...
Do you have black underwear or red underwear?
This isn't something I'm going to discuss with you.
Underwear, underwear.
La, I'm thinking about your underwear.
I'm thinking about your underwear.
Hello?
Hello, ma'am?
It's Elder Clark.
May I have your name and phone number, please?
I'm sorry, what was your name?
Elder Clark.
My name is Kevin Bonaire.
Can we spell your last name, Kevin?
B-O-N-N-A-I-R-E, like it sounds.
Oh.
And your phone number?
It is 912-2014.
912-2014.
Right.
Do you have an area code with your phone number?
Local, 801, Akulo, Akulo, Akulo.
Thank you.
Now, how can we be of assistance to you this evening?
Yeah, I don't know.
First of all, I understand you have me on speakerphone.
No.
Then why does my computer show that you have me on a speakerphone line?
I have my computer.
It'll actually tell me if you have me on a speakerphone, sir.
So you're lying.
You're not.
And you're an elder?
No, sir, I'm not.
You're the elder who lies?
I'm an elder, not Lyser.
The lying elder who's a closeted bisexual?
You're not, sir.
I apologize to you, but you're not on a speakerphone.
Then why do you sound like that?
Like what?
Get closer, get closer.
I'm ready to assist you if you have a question about indexing.
Yeah, I'm trying to find Akulo.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, what are you...
I'm waiting for your question.
I said I'm looking for Akulo.
What are you, assisting yourself?
What's going on?
I'm waiting for your question about indexing support.
Hello, you have the register of the people there, correct?
I'm sorry, but you've reached the indexing support line.
Is there anything about indexing that I can give to you?
Asshole, vagina, labia, ejaculation, intercourse, premarital sex, sodomism, double penetration, oral sex, breasts, genitals, sexual organs, fraudage, sodomy, gaping.
Due to promotion, you're experiencing delays in answering calls.
You may utilize our full-service website, systembodyworks.com.
Stay on the line.
Shake you as soon as possible.
Make sure of your call is regarding an emergency medical issue.
That's one.
Hey, man.
Thank you for calling Customer Care.
This is Vic.
How may I assist you?
Hey, Big Dick Vic.
What's going on?
I'm well and yourself?
I wanted to make an order machine.
Sure.
I'd be more than happy to assist you with placing an order.
Have you ever ordered with us before in the past?
No.
I need one full.
Say that again.
Want a fool?
I apologize.
I'm not familiar with that.
Fool?
Fool?
I apologize.
I'm not familiar with that.
What are you referring to?
Oh, well, I mean, you can keep doing your thing then, I guess, if you don't understand things.
I don't know exactly what you mean, sir.
I apologize.
Well, preferably, look, I'm dating this girl, okay?
And I'm married, but she's kind of like my mistress, right?
Because she's one of my employees at work, at her business, that me and my wife own.
Okay.
And she has a skin condition, so I'm trying to get her like a cream,
some kind of cream that will help out with that skin condition,
maybe get rid of the problem.
So I don't know if you could give me a recommendation on a lotion or a cream.
I can let you know what kind of cream.
I most certainly can.
Okay.
And I do apologize for the miscommunication,
but I'm glad we are on the same page.
I would be happy to let you know which items I think will work best for that.
Yeah, I'm glad we got over that, came together totally.
Totally. All right. So how do we go?
So I can tell you under our True Blue Spa line, that is our product line that specializes in the functionality of the products more so than the fragrance.
As I understand, most people with any type of skin condition are allergic or don't react well to any fragrance type stuff.
So the True Blue Spa line is not that. It doesn't have any heavy fragrances.
The standard body cream of this product line is our Super Rich Body Cream.
The nickname for it is Lay It On Thick.
This comes in a 10-ounce tube, and it also comes in a larger size as well.
Give me just a second. I can't remember.
Will this assist her with her skin problem that she has?
That is correct.
I have spoken to many customers that have said that our True Blue Spa products
are the only products that they have helped them with.
I've spoken to a lady who is a rancher in Montana.
She says she has extremely dry skin.
And the lifestyle she lives being a rancher only contributes to that.
And she uses our super softening hand cream.
It is called Look My New Hands.
It's a nickname for it.
She also uses our foot cream as well.
Yeah, well, it's not necessarily the girl's, like, moisture level.
She has a different kind of skin problem.
I don't know if maybe you've dealt with it specifically or not.
What type of problem are you referring to?
It's like dark skin, very dark skin.
Can you elaborate?
She has a lot of dark pigmentation all on her skin from like head to toe.
You mean like spotted spots?
No, it's one color the whole way around, but very dark, you know?
All right, I don't know what you're asking me.
She has a skin problem.
Her skin is very, very dark.
It doesn't look normal, and that causes her a lot of problems.
She says that it causes her a lot of problems, so I wanted to try to help her out.
Are you not familiar with any skin conditions that are of dark pigmentation that cover you from head to toe that give you a lot of problems?
Well, she was real upset.
She came into work.
She had gotten pulled over.
She said it was for no reason, that it's just because of her skin problem, she was saying, and that she wished she could get rid of it, but she couldn't, you know, that it wasn't possible.
And I started looking into, like, skin problems, and I told her, I think there's something I can do about that, you know?
Do you have any familiarity with this kind of skin issue?
I believe so. One moment.
Okay.
So, sir, if you would like to place an order for any of our merchandise, I would be more than happy to do that for you.
What happened? What changed?
But it doesn't sound like you're requesting a product that we carry.
What do you mean? What changed? What changed? What happened?
I don't know of any skin conditions that any type of body cream or lotion could resolve that would pertain to a person being pulled over.
Well, she just has very dark skin. She said that's a problem.
problem like you know you look at me and i'm more like caucasian light-skinned you know and like
when we hold hands when you look together the other side it looks like you ever get one of
those cookies that's chocolate on the one half and then vanilla on the other half or like white
frosting on the one half and then chocolate on the other it looks kind of like that yeah i've never
had one of those cookies yeah it really creeps i don't know what you're talking about like it
creeps me out like when her darker fingers are in between mine like when we hold hands and i look
Look at it.
It looks kind of odd, you know?
Like, did you ever see the movie poster for that movie, Jungle Fever?
No, I haven't.
I'm too young for that.
Oh, well, look it up.
You know, you can look it up on the Google.
Okay.
Yeah, you know.
But we're looking to get more something like a chocolate vanilla swirl thing going on instead.
You know, like chocolate and vanilla.
You have anything that has chocolate vanilla in it?
Chocolate and vanilla swirl?
No, sir.
Well, what can you do for me then, damn it?
I apologize, sir. I'm not going to tolerate any preventative.
Well, you're one uppity boy, you know that?
Yes, I kind of figured that that was the case, sir.
Yeah.
And I do apologize for this.
Is there any other questions or anything else that I could do for you, sir?
No, unless you can transfer me to your overseer.
Sure. You would like me to transfer you to my overseer, sir?
Yes, make it so.
I would be more than happy to do this for you, sir.
Thank you.
Yeah, Milkman, you can hear me, but I can kind of hear you coming through the speakers.
It's kind of messed up on my end.
Yeah, say something now.
Hello?
Oak Man?
Hello?
We're allowing our loyalty team to put all those apples in your day.
I'm Kim, and we'll be getting you to a team member shortly.
In the meantime, if you'd like to hear the joke of the day, please press 5.
Hi, my name is Stacy, and I'm with the customer loyalty team here at Zappos.
And here is your joke of the day.
Why did the lazy man want a job at the bakery?
Why?
So he could loaf around.
I like that one.
That was good.
That was a good one, right?
I know, but with a seated bra, then it would be flat low, so how would it be round?
For allowing our customer loyalty team.
Thank you for calling Zappos. This is Danielle.
SKU number 7595997.
A Nike sports bra? Did you want to make a purchase for that?
Well, I had a question.
Okay.
In your opinion, what do you think of the bra itself, the picture on the lady?
It's fine. It's pretty basic.
It's just, you know, for ex-girlfriends, that's too fancy.
Yeah, she looks pretty good, right?
She's got a nice tan, a nice smile.
Her hair is done up really nice.
She has nice facial features.
Yeah.
Do you purchase this, or is there something else that I can help you with?
Well, you notice how this girl here has a nice tight belly, too.
You see that?
Okay, sir, is there anything Zappos-related that I can help you with?
Yeah, with this item here.
Okay, I'm not going to go into details about the model with you.
Do you want to make a purchase?
Yeah.
Okay, which color?
One model, the woman, I purchased her.
Okay, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect the call.
No, no, can you put me through to a manager?
You're 24-7.
Can you put me through to a manager?
Through to a manager, I can transfer you to my resource desk.
Well, hurry up.
Okay, one moment, please.
And she hung up.
Wow.
Emphasizing the man in manager.
She hung up.
They said, aww, that's pretty cool.
Hair bait.
That's how I love this song, dude.
it's called some kind of nature oh okay i didn't know what it was you don't like it it's all right
it's kind of sound like that meat spin group man but a little bit slowed down oh that's ignorant
you're ignorant thank you for calling katie hey evening yeah skew number 806-5140 all right let
me pull up that sku number all right under a heat gear alpha bra what was that uh yeah is this the
The Under Armour UA Heat Gear Alpha Bra?
Yeah, I had a question.
Sure.
Yeah, how about this one, huh?
What do you think about her?
Oh, the model?
Oh, yeah, I'd take her to pound town for sure.
Yeah, I'd come all over her, that tight tummy of hers.
You see that?
Like, I'd pull it out and be like, bleh.
Yeah, unfortunately, if they inappropriate things, I would have to disconnect the call.
Oh, where do you like to finish on?
Okay, well, if you need anything from that, let us know.
Are you more of a face and hair kind of guy?
he wears his sunglasses at night what do you like milkman where you like hey where do you finish at
in the condom oh i'm so romantic atm yeah now best thing is is you find that little uh mole right
there right on the corner of the mouth right there on the lip dude has the perfect gaming spot
man or that little like like diamond jewel right on the nose those are perfect gaming spots dude
If you have a target, you're going to do it skillfully.
Is that what your girl said?
I'm going to say, I don't know where you're going with that.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You wouldn't.
You wouldn't.
You know I'd never tell.
That
was an awful lot of jokes, man.
My name is Andy.
How can I help this evening?
SKU number 8065140.
I think I might have just spoken to you, actually.
Yeah, what did you think about this one?
About the item?
Yeah, I had them transfer me directly to you.
I know, last time I think you were being a little bit inappropriate, but did you have something I could help with?
I'll be, I'll stop, I'll stop. I'm sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
What can I help with today?
Now, do you, like, what's the policy, like, when I have to return the shoe?
You have a pretty liberal policy, right?
Yeah, you have a full year to return.
You have 365 days, and we even pay for the return shipping, as long as it's in the original packaging and original condition.
Okay.
Yeah, so not too bad.
And if you just need a new size, you can give us a call,
and we can set up an exchange for you at no charge.
Okay, all right.
Now we got SKU 833-9125.
All right, yeah, these Moving Comfort Metro pants.
Yeah, is that a woman or a man in this one?
Those are a woman's pants, yeah.
Whoa, okay, so it's a woman wearing them, of course.
Yes, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
So I'm going to go ahead and disconnect again.
Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah, man.
He started laughing.
I got him twice in a row.
There's been a lot of disconnection.
I can feel that disconnection.
What are the chances I'll get him again?
Let's find out.
Looking good.
Where are you calling from?
Zappos.
Where at?
California.
Wait, shoot.
Seven.
Calling Zappos.com.
My name is Sarah, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with on this Zapptastic day?
Kevin Bonaire.
Hi, Kevin.
How may I help you today?
Oh, I have a SKU number, 833.
9-1-2-5.
Right.
So we have the moving comfort MetroPant?
Yeah.
That is a female in this picture, right?
In the model picture?
Oh, yeah.
Can you talk to me like you're her, like if I told you what to say?
No, I cannot.
Oh.
Is there anything Zappos.com related I can help you with?
I was just looking at the pictures.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, have a wonderful day.
Can I save these?
I can right-click and save these, right?
If you'd like.
Have a wonderful day, sir.
This is the best site ever.
Thank you.
The word's getting around, Milkman.
There's a pervert calling.
I am not understanding how this is happening.
How could they know what's going on ahead of time?
This is really alarming.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Candy.
It must be a slow night, because they're all like, oh, my God, I'm over here.
I think they're pressing it.
I think they're pressing it, dude.
They're not taking their headsets off and saying, you ought to hurry, this motherfucker
who's just on here.
And then they keep talking about penises and balls.
How are you going to ask me about a dildo?
Shit.
This is all over their computers, damn it, and hooters.
That's right, this is madhouse security.
Located at 210 South Rio Grande Street on the corner of 200 South and 455 West in downtown Salt Lake City.
To reach an operator, you may dial 0 at any time.
If you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach, you may dial it now.
For a spell-by-name directory, press 1.
For shelters, press 2.
For the family shelter, press 1.
For the women's shelter, press 2.
Two, for the men's shelter, press three.
Please hold on while I try that extension.
Hot day shelter.
You want to try that one too?
Your mom.
This is Zach speaking.
Hey, do you still have room for the shelter machine tonight?
Shelter machine?
Yeah, where you guys have the shelter machine there?
We check people into the shelter.
Do you still have room for, can I sleep there?
You can still come here tonight, but it won't be 1030.
What do you mean?
It's 1030 when we have space.
I have to wait until 1030 to get spaces?
Yeah, that's when we'll open up the next sections.
All right, and then can I sleep there?
Yeah.
Okay, how long do I have until I get kicked out?
Well, what you'd be checking in is to our overnight crisis,
and then you'd be kicked out first thing in the morning about 8.
They kick me out?
It's just for a few hours, and you can check back in around 10.
Okay, all right, and is it a cot or a bed, or what is I sleep on?
Depending on when you get here, we'll either decide if you're on a bed or a mat.
Okay, can I share a bed with someone?
No.
No?
I wanted to bring someone else, and I thought maybe if we shared the bed, it'd be easier to accommodate us.
Is it a female companion?
No, it's a man-man.
Yeah, we won't combine two males in the same bed.
Oh, you can't do two men, one bed?
It would look bad.
Would it? Okay.
Do you think they'd probably try to hurt me, the people?
I don't think they'd hurt you. I just think it'd be safer if you didn't.
Yeah, because they'd be like, oh, he's a homosexual, you know, and they'd probably try to rape us and stuff or beat us that night.
I have no idea what they would do.
I would just suggest if you're in that kind of state of being a person,
and I'm not saying we're discriminatory here.
We don't discriminate according to, we have transgenders,
and people are going between sex changes here,
so it's not like we discriminate.
Oh, that's hard.
So you can come in, and if you have a partner, that's fine,
but I would suggest to you both when you check in
just to stay on your own mats or where you're at
because I know the gentleman here will probably get a little shy about it,
so we can kiss and touch and all that
because we did this in another town
in the shelter, we were in the bed
together kissing and touching and joking
and playing DS
and this group
of them came out and then the reverend
Reverend Snakewater
he came out and he said
you're going to hell and he had a noose
and all that and they made us run outside
and they like
threw our belongings out in the street
I would suggest if you plan on doing
any of that do it on the opposite side of our building where the families are and stuff you
probably won't get in too much trouble over there i can kiss i can kiss my man and i'll kiss him
yeah but i would suggest you do it on like the opposite side of the building so we could do it
there because you could do it but i would suggest that you try to watch where you're doing it
because certain men will get offended all right can i can we use a mat outside to get comfortable
the ball and lay down and have sex i would i i wouldn't say do that okay oh what what about like
uh mutual masturbation you know that allow but outside outside that's something if you're outside
doing there's not much we can do about it but okay i would suggest you watch yourself oh yeah
well i'll watch him and watch myself that's the whole yeah all right so we'll do it but i'll only
look at myself right like we'll watch ourselves while we do it if you guys are doing that stuff
it's i'm i'm i wouldn't i couldn't care less but i'm going to suggest that you probably want to do
that away from our structure and facilities because clients being male or female or children
or stuff do you have children who could stay here we'll get very offended yeah all right so we'll
point away from the building so they can't see from the inside if they look outside the window
i would suggest you take it a block away from our structure uh like where do you want like a block
walk away yeah if you're gonna do stuff like that i suggest you do it away from the building and not
in the shelter because you're there's a lot of things that libel it we're non-discriminatory
like i said but i'm just suggesting you guys probably should be careful with what you're doing
all right do you know where this california pizza kitchen is i don't it's right up the street where
the mall is you know that mall up there oh you're in gateway well yeah well we can go there and do
it right and then come back i'm not sure what gateway security is gonna do to you you gotta
have to find a place or we could go in the like the train state the old greek town station you
know i wouldn't know for sure i know um gateway's got security guys that walk around so i'd be very
careful doing anything like that so not there maybe all right well we'll figure it out we'll
probably do it like around close to your building we'll get you know another thing i was thinking
that we were going to go to a hotel and then give them our information and go to the to get a room
and have sex in the room and then leave without paying i'm not gonna tell you what to do because
they couldn't tell you that far it's all up to you okay i guess all right well i don't know what
else i can do but we're gonna have to do it somewhere so if we i think we'll just stick to
right outside your building we'll masturbate and then come inside we're gonna do we're gonna do
this around 10 o'clock all right do you think you could do make sure no one comes out into the back
of the building around that time do your best i'm going to warn you fairly if cops see you
out there that they do do rounds around here you're reliable to get arrested yeah but we're
actually going to keep our privates inside our pants we have sweatpants if you check in you
guys are fine um i'm gonna hang up now okay all right bye he's more than helpful milkman he's
like go go to the side of the building you can probably get away with it over there hey this is
michael help me help you hey how you doing good what's up i'm good what's up sexy
are you ordering food yeah um i'm staying at the men's shelter um down the way across the street
what are you saying i'm staying at the men's shelter across the street okay um do you will
you do you hand me the food before i give you the the money what was that when you bring the food
out like i make an order right um do you bring it out and put it on the counter in front of me
and then i pay the check or how does it work you come in and then yeah you order i it's a
restaurant so you have to get a seat at a table in the restaurant and then we'll give you your
food and then you pay i have to get a table of the restaurant first sorry what was that i have
to get a table in the restaurant yeah to get my to-go order oh if you're doing to go no so do
You can give me your order right now, and then we'll get it ready, and then you pay right when you...
Where do I go? Do I go to, like, where you're at right now on the phone?
Yeah.
All right, and where do you put the food? On the counter?
Like, do you put it in front of me before I pay?
No, you have to pay right when you come in.
Yeah, but you're like, oh, I got your order here, I got it right here, you know, and you have the ticket on it.
So you probably... I'm just trying to get my timing right, you know, so see how I'm going to get it, you know?
I mean, a pizza takes about 10 minutes to cook.
Yeah, but I want to get my timing right, so I come in, I'm like, hello, I had the order, and you're like, okay, and you put it in front of me, and then you're like, here, this is how much it is, and I hand you a $1 bill, and I grab it, and I go, and then you're like, oh, it was a $1 bill, you know?
You're like, stop them.
No, you would have to pay before I give you the food.
You wouldn't even put it near me?
Is this a prank phone call?
No, I'm just trying to figure out what the process is.
is if not you order you come in you pay and then i give you your food you have to pay first before
you put the food anywhere near me right yeah however you said if i get a seat if i actually
wait and get a table that you will bring the food to me and then i pay right you actually bring the
food out okay all right and do you just have the one door in the front or is there a side exit at
at all i mean there's something like you want to get food and ditch so i'm poor i'm poor i'm
i'm poor and i'm hungry i'm hungry well we don't feed for free so well i need help do that we will
call the police i need help please please i need help come on don't tell anybody come on please
man corporate to the bone milkman she's like uh-uh you ain't taking that money you ain't
picking that food from where I live.
I'm not very friendly at all, actually.
I'll take a bullet for you, California
Pizza Kitchen.
I should have told her I'll suck your dick.
Suck your dick.
Trying to get my timing right.
Alright, we're going in. Here's the layout
of the California Pizza Kitchen.
This is the counter. You're gonna go in
and once she hands you the food, you're gonna run.
We'll create a destruction.
We're gonna throw a smoke bomb
inside to create a destruction.
Nah, I can't say that. I can't say that on the phone.
Just use these Girl Scout cookies, man.
Make a smoke bomb out of that.
Yes. I can't say that on the phone
that I'm going to throw a smoke bomb. Can you imagine?
Oh my god.
Bomb, he said bomb.
It's a terrorist threat.
Call the P police
and call Homeland Security
and the FBI
and everybody.
Tell them it's a E-bomb, you know,
instead of an E-cigarette, it's like an E-bomb, you know.
Flashback. Yeah, RoboTest.
what if i took it out right like i said ninja vanish and i threw a flashbang
and it'd be me they could throw right at my feet so it'd be me that's like
the ground all fucked up on the ground from the flashbang okay ninja vanish huh
you remember the first ninja turtles movie when the ninjas came out and then the one was like
ninja vanish and he threw the smoke bomb and they all disappeared you remember that that was so
So fucking cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The number two karate guy, because the number one karate guy was Shredder, and then there
was like this other number two, he was just a Chinese guy, and he trained all the teenagers
to be the foot soldiers, you know?
And they had like a little mini Pleasure Island thing going on.
It was like an arcade, and they got the smoke.
Did you have one of those toy sets, too?
Toilet sets?
What are you talking about?
The toy sets, the ninja toys.
They had little dolls you could carry.
oh yeah toys yeah i just hadn't i had some of them and i have all of them michelangelo
was all about the size of your palm of your hand yeah my cousin carried his around i think
they were red i don't know if they're red or blue i don't know i think they're maybe blue
i can't fucking remember he's already carried a little toy around all the time well ninja
turtles are green so uh you're full of shit well he's probably in your age range so that's
probably why i'm i remember it like that because he was a lot younger than me they
They weren't GoBots?
No, I remember the Stupid Ninja Toast
because it had his mask on him.
And they weren't ninjas, but they still were stupid.
You sure they weren't like WWF All-Stars?
Well, they could be.
King Kong Bundy and Hulk Hogan.
Yeah, Natural Boy.
Hulkamania.
Mick Savage or whatever the fuck his name is.
Ric Flair.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, MST3 Clay, man.
He's my point man on that.
MST3 Clay does a great job in the chat room.
Yeah, milkman.
He's held it down there for the last three months.
Here's a Mexican grill.
I don't have many ideas anymore, it seems.
I'm like, I call places and say, I want foo, or I want eggs with heat.
Well, that was the original idea right now, right?
Two men, one bed.
Well, that's an old idea.
But mixing in on the shelter, that was fun.
I think that guy was gay.
He was like gay friendly here.
He was like, look, I'm not.
Oh, definitely.
He definitely was, man.
I mean, maybe he was, you know, he might have been by her, too, but...
Yeah, hello?
Yeah, I'm with your cause.
Yeah, I don't need one fool.
On the enchilada.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Yeah, what was that about?
Because one of the employers was busy.
Oh, okay, he said he can't do this right now or something.
He said to me, like, I can't deal with this anymore.
I can't, I can't do it.
He told me, like, his heart was racing and he had heart chest pains.
Is he okay?
He's okay.
He told me he was having chest pains, that he couldn't do this anymore,
and he said he had to get someone else on the phone.
Why did he say that?
Seems pretty fine to me right now.
Okay, good.
I want to make an order.
Okay.
Yeah, one full.
What's your name?
Eddie.
What would you like today?
One full.
One what?
Full.
Full.
Burrito, salad, enchiladas, tacos, quesadillas.
I'll take a burrito salad.
Salad?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
With meat?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hot meat.
You have a sweet pork, shredded beef, chicken.
One meat.
Meat, meat, meat.
Steak?
Meat.
Just meat.
I know, but what kind of meat, man?
Yeah, like hot meat, cooked meat, you know?
We don't have hot meat.
The hot sauce are on the side.
But cooked with heat, you know?
Like you put heat, you put the meat on the grill or whatever it is,
and you make heat on it, and it gets hot, and it gets cooked?
We don't do that right here, man.
Oh, you don't do that?
Oh, shit.
Okay, what about, did you say you have a grilled chicken burrito?
Yeah.
Okay, let me think.
Okay, so I'll take one of those hold the beans.
Chicken?
yeah chicken burrito hold the beans all right on the side no no no no beans uh hold the rice
okay hold the cheese hold the cream hold the sauce uh i said hold the cheese already
hold the wrap what does that leave us with what does that leave us with yeah yeah so you just
want chicken burrito no rice or beans and no sauce and no cheese yeah and no wrap no no tortilla wrap
oh okay uh-huh all right man would you like uh lettuce and pico no no no um all right anything
that comes with it okay and hold the chicken so no chicken in there no and then aculo what was
that aculo no we don't sell that right here you don't have aculo no okay uh okay uh how much and
how long will it be hello hey how much and how long will it be it's uh eight away and um it'll
We'll be done, like, in a minute.
Okay.
All right.
I'll see you there.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Bye.
What a doofus, dude.
What do you mean five minutes?
It's already done.
Fuck it.
If you hold everything, there's nothing.
You just give me eight bucks.
This is going to give me an empty container for eight bucks and eight cents.
Yeah.
You get the wrapper full of air.
It's fucking a burnout, man.
It's a beef party.
Oh, boy.
I thought for a second he was going to go for the culo thing there,
but he didn't even go with that, man.
Delicious.
Not very cooperative.
Delicious air burrito.
Excuse me a minute while I find somewhere else to go.
Quiet.
Don't make that noise.
Money, more money, more money.
Spray the sound, make a run.
Wild wonder, funky drummer.
You could get it, how you wanna?
Who's the winner?
Said the dealer.
Every player, yeah, me.
So you say, we will see
Play your play, A-OK
What you want, how you like
Aim high, why not
Turn the moon and star of yours
Eternary, all of yours
Who's the winner, yeah me
So you say, we will see
Cloudbreaker, danger beats
One moment please
I didn't have international credit
Yeah, but I think I do now
Hello?
You deleted them?
No, I got them on my desktop, bitch
They're right here
Look, you see them?
I'm circling it with the mouse.
Call one, maybe.
No.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Okay, I will.
Hang on.
Let me open it.
I mean, it is a homo, so...
Does he even come into the chat anymore?
Yeah.
He has no life.
He's a wanker.
Yeah.
I mean, I knew I could count on that at least.
He's making up stupid jokes now.
He's writing jokes.
I don't know why.
He's writing jokes in the chat now?
Oh, my God.
No, he writes them to me.
He writes them and he shares them with me and Sloth and the other guys.
and he's like uh tell me what you think of this joke and it's something really i don't know where
he's coming from all right wake the fuck up you old codger oh he's only like what 98 now
fucker's older than me all right listen milkman i got the script up i'm getting the numbers up
now right okay stupid okay stupid no i thought maybe one or two numbers might be funny you know
what i mean you'll get a whole list there's only five thousand on there let's see if they pick up
There's a lot of fucking numbers. Oh, yeah, I got a free format them fuck. It's a pain in the ass
That's why I stopped doing it because it's a pain in the ass to get them
We're sorry the number and country codes you have dialed cannot be reached. Please check
Pretty sure I'm doing it, right?
This is a matter of finding one that picks up because it's a telemarketer bank over 6,000 numbers
they don't go through now i got no problem getting uk numbers and then doing this just
doing the script on them same thing the numbers aren't that good but the script is great yeah
well they may not be
they may get a lot of calls too you know
I mean that's a possibility
I'm gonna save them you know
I'll turn them over
I'll have fun with them sometime
I just thought you know
I didn't know if we used the calls or not
but I can turn them over to the arm
arm he might be able to do something with him you know who the arm he might be able to figure
something out to do with them so let me check with let me check with amd if you want me to
give him out or not i know he was okay with you man i don't know if you want me to get the list
out or not i'll send a message to the arm see if he's interested okay if he can help out if he has
time the arm is busy lately you know let's find businesses open in london that's gonna be tough
Man, it's super late over there.
Yeah, and not businesses in London.
Normally on Thursday night, it's always residential calls because all the businesses are closed.
Fuck it.
What?
Four in the morning there now?
How about I call hotels?
Fuck it.
Hotels.
There you go.
Might be somebody awake.
Call Motel 8 or Hotel 6.
Hotel 5 over there.
Yeah.
That's me.
Howard Johnson.
There you go.
Pumar Johnson.
What's the 8 for, Milkman?
Huh?
What's the 8 for in Motel 8?
What do you think?
I don't know
8 hours
Hello
Good morning
Can I help?
Yes
I need to be transferred
Room service at this time
I'll transfer you
Room service
One moment please
Alright boy
Alright
I'll transfer you
Room service
Yes I'm calling
From the royal service sir
The king of England
Himself is on his way here
Who is?
The king of England
There is no king of England yet
Mmhmm
Yeah there is
So the king dies
That happened
That happened
Yeah
You know more than I do
We want you to hug
I want you to hug and kiss him, you know, and touch him.
He's going to come down there.
What can I do for you?
I'm calling from the royal service.
We need you to, like, kiss and hug him and talk to him and hold his hands and touch him.
Where are you from?
Pakistan?
No, no.
Are you Indian?
I'm not Indian.
Oh, you're not Bhenchod?
No.
What can I get for you, sir?
Do you have a sister?
No, I don't have a sister.
No?
What about mother?
Yes, I do have a mother.
Okay, can you send her to me to come in front of me?
No, I cannot.
now send mother to come front of me and then bring yourself and i want to put my shoe in your face i
want to touch your face with my shoe the bottom of my shoe that i used to walk serious right now
yeah i walk everywhere with those shoes and i want you to see the souls and touch your face
and your lips with the shoe okay thank you very much okay bye uh big insult where he's from i'm
sure you gotta tell him you stole a bunch of those doormats from the muslin place and you
He wouldn't know if he wanted to buy one.
50 cent.
You know, the doormat fucker,
bang, they care.
Not to get sponsored,
but I just thought it was funny.
Oh, Muslims are silly.
Still got that call,
my turban is dirty.
Yeah, no thanks, man.
It's on YouTube.
You should check it out, YouTube.
YouTube.com.
I gotta go off here.
I have something I had to do at 10,
and I'm still going.
I don't want to go on.
Okay?
I don't want to go on.
Fisty fit.
I want to go on.
Fisty fit.
This hotel doesn't pick up.
Okay, yeah, it's way later than I realized.
Crack the door about six inches
and stick your fist in.
in there just stick your fist down and what are you talking back to do about six inches and then
just stick your fist in that's it okay um bye milkman i'm done see you bye are you going seriously
yeah i'm gonna go yeah i gotta have something i was supposed to do at 10 i gotta go all right
it's okay i'm 20 minutes love you guys peace bye milkman bye bye bye everybody else
Comments 0
Loading comments…