Saxamaphone
29 Aug 2014 · 33 min · 4,361 words · source
Calls (8, 27 min of 33 min)
- Wrong number about truck live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Babysitter asked about insults and dances live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Lowe's flooring department ivr 42 s clip ↓
- Lowe's flooring advice for cat mess live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Lowe's tools department confrontation live 5.6 min clip ↓
- Lowe's transferred to George prank live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Lowe's hardware and tools transfer prank live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Home Depot customer claims to have wrecked forklift live 10.3 min clip ↓
Transcript
Matt, you want to do some prank calls on me for a few minutes?
I see your camera.
You got to be careful with those lights.
You got a what?
A car machine.
No, you must have the wrong number.
Sorry.
You have a 2001 Freightliner Sleeper.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, that's a car machine, you know?
Oh, well, I had never heard them to refer to as that.
Oh, well, yeah, you don't have to be ignorant or anything.
All right, so it's a 2001.
It's in pretty good shape.
How's the paint on it?
Any oxidation?
um well uh i'll just tell you that my my father belonged to my father and he passed away so
um you know there there is a little bit of damage damage to um the front fender had to be replaced
over the wheel um and it um you know but i can send i'd love to send you pictures if you would
want me to yeah that's that's great yeah that sounds good and your dad like crashed it he got
Got drunk behind the wheel and crashed it then?
No, no, he just, actually, he bought it for my brother-in-law to drive.
Did he masturbate inside it a lot because that damages the interior?
Well, so this was my dad's truck that passed away.
Yeah, no, so he might have masturbated in it a few times, you think?
Or was he known to do that around town?
That's your dad who died.
He talked to her, man.
Me?
Hey, this is Hannah.
I just want everybody to be the husband and wife.
Look here, motherfucker, you.
What's with that little bloop noise?
What's wrong with that?
Like when calls go, it does like a little bloop.
Oh, the doom-doom?
It's kind of neat.
It's kind of neat.
I'm not shitting on it.
I'm just saying.
Yeah, that.
That just lets you know that they hung up, basically.
Huh.
Yeah, it's a good reminder for me and the people that are doing conferences with me
so that they know so they don't keep talking yeah that's nice yeah because i i have to sit there
like a hawk and listen you know you're gonna listen yeah if you if i'm doing it if you hear
that you know you're good yeah that's cool i like that here's a saxophone is that like a skype thing
or is it something else it's a it's a different one because uh skype i'm pretty much blocked on
it completely i'm not allowed to get credits or anything yeah i got enough trouble thank you guys
guys for assisting me with that saxophone yeah you have saxophone saxophone you have saxophone
okay all right and the kate does that you either have a stand also for it do you have the stand
also so i can put it up and all that good stuff because i want to tell people oh yeah i played
saxophone in high school
and I was like
in this
really big band
and we won
national championship
but it's not gonna be true
but I'm gonna
just have it there
in the corner
you know
of my
like my
saxophone
yeah
how many feces
do you think
the front of it
the horn can hold
feces are baby mice
yeah
how much feces
I like that
saxophone
saxophone
i tried to find a youtube clip of homer going to the post office i can barely hear you
i found it i'm just saying no no uh i looked on youtube for homer i found it in spanish yeah i
could just find it in spanish and then notice most simpsons clips on youtube itself they're
They're either shot with a hand camera pointed at the television, or they're in Spanish.
Yeah, and I think, like, whoever controls it, they're really hard on it.
But it's all over Hulu.
You can watch it on Hulu.
But then you've got to watch commercials.
I've got problems with Hulu, and they're like, please turn off your ad blockers.
Yeah, so shut up.
So I'm like, fuck you.
I'm just going to go to my solar movie of both.
I was like, fuck you and your ad.
Yeah, fuck them.
Fuck them. Fuck them for trying to make a buck, right?
You know? Yeah.
Because it's free to make them, it should be free to watch them, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Exactly.
You ignorant motherfuckers.
It's possible.
Oh, fuck it. Oh, yeah.
Hello. I am Mr. Bird.
I believe you have a letter for me.
All right, Mr. Bird.
What's your question?
I don't know.
Great plan, boy.
Yeah.
They're like, oh, Bart, just chill the next time.
like you brought a son
with him to do that
stupid shit.
What?
I think he doesn't
care he's doing this
in front of his
stealing mail.
I don't think
it's funny, yeah.
Alright, here's
babysitting.
This lady wants
to sit on some babies.
Them big elves
didn't fuck around,
yeah.
Hello.
Hi, yeah,
you're doing the babysitting?
Yes, I am.
Yeah, you don't say
to the babies,
like, you stupid
motherfucker,
you stuff like that,
right?
You don't say to the babies,
like, you stupid
motherfucker,
you like that to them.
You don't do that,
do you?
You would never do that?
I mean, really, are you really calling me with some stupid crap like that?
No, this happened to me and my wife with our child.
So we want to make, seriously, the lady said to my son, said, you stupid little motherfucker.
He said that.
No, I don't.
No, I wouldn't.
It's horrible, right?
Exactly.
I mean.
And you don't do sexual dances in front of them?
Is this, why?
This is ridiculous.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
This is what this lady did to our child.
It was horrible.
So we want to make sure we don't find another, you know, place that does that.
Well, you're not going to find a babysitter at all
calling some random person and asking silly questions like that.
I mean, I understand, you know, you don't want anyone to do that with your child.
Well, I think the lady did sex dances.
See, that's how it's been this whole time.
Sex dances.
Sexual dances, whatever that is.
She was doing the chubby checker twister.
How dare she do that?
That kind of dancing
Getting down on the ground
It's so low like that
Coming back up
With that arms
Back and forth
Showing the knees
The one he married in Vegas
The one that made the sandwich
And he was saying
Use both hands
Stuff like that
I don't know
Shatter
I don't care
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.
I'm kidding, I care.
I don't want no trouble.
I'm sorry, man.
You don't want no trouble.
I don't want no trouble.
I think that's a good thing.
Don't want no trouble.
No trouble.
It really tends to keep you out of trouble.
I'm sitting in the tiny chat by myself, by the way.
Tinychat.com slash cactus.
For the lose.
You're being dancing.
With your trippy lights.
It's the Mixed King.
It looks like floating LSD, not LSD, like floating methamphetamine.
Thank you for calling Lowe's.
For information on deliveries, press 1.
Transferring to flooring.
Please hold.
Nice.
Spray, ground.
What department is this?
Flooring.
Flooring is Marcus.
yeah listen do you have any of the special floorings that's for the urine and feces from
the cat not to get under and cause a problem like with the ammonia uh what kind of floor
you're looking for the ones for feces uh can you specify what kind you know yeah
feces no it doesn't ring a bell i don't what's what would be the best because the cat keeps
shitting and pissing in the corner and the dog oh what kind of floor you want the dog tries out
do the cat and he starts humping the cat in the back and everything and it's just it's just a
dominance thing yeah but it's been like a war going on in our house for the last three years
oh okay you're trying to find out what kind of uh tile would probably be your best option yeah
the two the two cats ganged up on the dog and they urinated defecated and on top of him while
he was sleeping he didn't even know and he woke up and the dog was talking to me he's a weemariner
and he was like hey man it's not cool you know the cats i'm here laying down you know and yeah
sleeping us he was like i mean you can know how he feels he was telling me look you know
the cats come around all the time they think they own the place they don't put in any work here they
don't catch anything i'm always barking at motherfuckers coming in trying to get you know
come in the crib and then they pissed and shit on me you know that's disrespectful you know that's
It's very disrespectful for the cast.
Yeah, well, probably tile's going to be your best option, buddy.
You're thinking that tile then, right?
Yeah, carpet, if you're, I mean, you've got some good carpet there,
but if they're just constantly going on the floor,
then, you know, you're going to be constantly cleaning up,
and tile's going to be your easiest and best way to clean up.
You've just got to seal those grout lines good.
So where's the urine going?
Hello, I'm the Wemurider.
Here's a hang-up song.
Thank you for calling Lowe's.
Call him Nougat because he loves Nougat.
For information on deliveries, press 1.
Transferring to lumber and building materials.
Please hold.
Want to talk to lumber at all?
What are we going to do with lumber?
It's a hard one.
Pipe, work ramp.
Yeah, tell them you got one.
Get all them young boys that got new kids.
I love my fourth graders today.
I really did.
I really got this teacher.
I don't know why this son of a...
Oh, is that you now?
What? Is that you?
Hello?
Hello?
Are you you? Are you here?
I am me. Yes.
Yeah, so what did you find out?
What did you find out about me?
Oh, these are on the chairs. These are on the chairs.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, hold on. I was talking to Garden Shop and we got disconnected.
Well, what the fuck, damn it, motherfucker.
You know, I really need to find out this shit about the fucking chairs, motherfucker.
Well, excuse me. Hold on just a second.
All right.
I have no idea what she's talking about.
This is good.
He's probably going to actually pick up the people
They're not going to do him shit
Look at this shirt, man
I love my fourth graders
Do you wear this one?
Outside?
He sent this to me today
And I don't think I ordered it
We've got to get some of those Dr. Unc and Turbo shirts
The ones with the
Really bad scenes about the kids
With the kids wearing them
And it says stuff like I have neural diseases
I'm feeling pretty dope
with my one-off Eater shirt.
Eater shirt.
Can I get one of those?
I could remake one.
Yeah, make me one. I won't make it.
You want one?
And I need a mirror, too.
It kind of reminds me of old, like,
this old trauma picture.
Sir, we do have those...
Sir? We do have those chairs
and they are ready for pickup.
Their erection?
You're talking about the black chairs, correct?
I have no idea I didn't talk to you about that.
Stupid.
Okay, so we have two different conversations going.
Who were you talking to?
I was trying to get a hold of lumber and those stupid motherfuckers over there didn't come.
Is this still in the 5-8 inch plywood?
Yes, and I hate these people so much.
I hate them.
I'm going to go over there and throw all the lumber everywhere.
I'm going to toss big planks of lumber all over like Superman.
Okay.
I'm going to throw a 4x4, a 2x4.
I'm going to throw it right through the concrete wall like a tornado would.
Well, I have the head cashier.
She's looking up to see.
Oh.
Is it a woman or a man?
It's a woman.
Oh.
It was CDX, wasn't it?
Yeah, sure.
Cat, dog.
Hurry up.
Plywood, 5-8 inch.
Can you hold the phone so I can get this guy?
Oh, I can't.
I've got to clean up some stuff.
Too much.
Hello?
Hello?
You have too much stuff on your kitchen counter.
Yeah.
Man, there's too much there.
You need to go pick that up.
Yeah.
Yeah, need to not spoon it up.
Yeah, well, let's put some of those bottles in the cactus.
I got a bowl I made earth therapy in the hospital with cactus.
It's time to put that up.
Put it in the cupboard where it goes.
Look at you like you're a fighter.
I'm sorry, Adam.
I made this tip.
Hello, how can I help you?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Good, and yourself?
Why I'm talking to you, what did you find out?
What's your status?
I'm sorry?
What's your status?
I'm an ASM here, sir.
How can I help you?
I'm sorry?
How can I help you, sir?
Can you just transfer the tools so I can talk to a man over there, please?
What do you need in tools?
Talk to someone over there, not talk to you, because you're rude and you have an effeminate attitude.
I don't like that.
I have a what, sir?
An attitude like you're giving me that effeminate sass that some effeminate men have, and I don't need that.
I'm not intimidated by it.
I'm just annoyed by it.
Did I answer successfully your condescending question to me?
Hey, George.
George.
Guys, here's what happened.
A woman.
He does sound awful.
Let's have a minute.
This is George. May I help you?
Hey, George, you're over there rubbing your cock.
Hello.
What can I help you with, sir?
Oh, I'm just calling to see you.
Well, I need to talk to Tools.
I don't need to talk to George, you know?
You're pretty worthless right now to me.
Well, I'm in Tool World.
I can help you if you'd like.
If not, maybe I don't know if anybody can.
I don't want you help.
I don't want you help, okay?
Okay.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want you help.
Okay, then who do you want to talk to?
Tools, I said.
Well, I am the tool world manager, sir.
You're a tool, all right.
Sir, I think you might have the wrong number.
How big is your tool?
Bang up song is here now.
Tool manager.
You sound like you look like Santa Claus.
Matt, you're right over there.
I don't hear you talking.
You're on mute?
Oh, I have you on mute.
Matt.
Hey, Matt.
I'm sorry, Matt.
Oh, I've been talking like crazy.
I know.
Asshole.
I've been talking like crazy.
Look, it's Tupac Shaker.
And even if I do conceal my
I don't even like to be told.
Yo.
Yo, yo, yo.
All around the world.
I'm too positive for that one.
Thank you for calling Lowe's.
Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.
For directions to the store, press one.
For store hours, press two.
To reach a department transferring to hardware and tools.
Yeah.
Doing it again.
Yeah, George, you there?
George, I believe.
Let me see if I can find him.
What does he do there?
What's his position?
He is the tool manager.
Oh, is he really?
So he wasn't lying to me?
No.
Oh, okay.
I don't know what he told me.
He's the manager of our...
Okay, so I need to see if you guys have a machine.
What kind of machine?
The main machine.
Main machine.
Mm-hmm.
It takes power.
The power goes in the input in the back, and then it turns.
He uses the...
Um, they transferred you over to...
...on lunch, and I...
So you're not hardware.
You're a liar.
You're a fucking liar, then.
Huh?
No, I'm not a liar.
No, you're a fucking liar.
I said fucking.
Yeah.
That's the most important part.
I said fucking to the meal worker.
So wait, they do some music as they hang up on you?
Or is that just hold?
And so they can never say they hung up on their customers.
They just say they got transferred to music.
That's all the guy did.
Oh, he slammed the phone hard.
You heard how he slammed the phone hard like that?
Clank.
Wow.
What a rude ass son of a bitch.
Like the Brad Carter red phone clank.
I started therapy next Tuesday
yay
I'm pretty excited
like head therapy or
no physical therapy
fuck that head therapy
that broad just gave me shit that was making me fat
what have you been doing this whole time
just doing shit myself
I thought you were going to therapy
no
just doing it
I'm all by myself
Just a few more minutes, and then I'm gone.
Because I've got a fantasy football draft at the time, and Jaiad's going on.
Are you going to call in a Jaiad, motherfucker?
Maybe.
Maybe.
I do enjoy his shit.
I like yelling.
I don't know if I want to yell out here, though.
You want to what?
For information on deliveries, press 1.
For scheduled installation, press 2.
Transferring to appliances.
Please hold.
Oh, these are the sales motherfuckers.
Fuck them.
I was running a club bit tonight.
Look at this.
They make this big cactus.
Oh, yeah.
This is Gary, man.
Hey, Gary, how are you?
Excellent.
Okay.
All right, how's the heat over there?
We got air conditioning.
Mm-hmm.
We got music, air conditioning.
Shut up.
Do you have the heat machine?
Heat machine.
Yeah.
I don't know if you're calling the right department.
yeah this is an appliance
it's the appliance that has the heat
it makes the heat and it goes
oh oh oh yeah
microwave heat or
no no no no heat
heat machines hot machines
you put the settings in
and you turn it on
and the heat comes on
it goes around and it moves
yeah yeah
like an oven?
no no no
I don't know if you're someone who works here and you're just joking
No, I don't work at this fucking place, motherfucker.
Yeah?
Yeah, I don't work at this piece of shit, motherfucker.
You don't?
No, I'm in one of the toilet displays right now.
Well, bring your money in.
No, I'm here inside the store now.
I'm at the toilet display.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm going to take a big shit in the toilet.
Oh, whatever you want to do.
All right.
The cops will come and sight you.
No, they won't.
If you do.
No, they won't.
That would be vandalism.
No, no, no cops come sight me, no.
No, I wrestle them usually, and I knock the gun out of their hand, and I kick it away.
And then I'm usually like, hey, don't start with me.
Don't start with me, policeman.
Don't start with me.
And then I give them a hand, and I help them stand up.
Then I just shake their hand.
I said, you know, you just got to understand I'm the dominant force here.
I'm the alpha male.
And the cops are just like, all right, we're sorry for the misunderstanding.
And they just go.
That's what happened to me on Black Friday last year at Walmart.
more well if i could hook you up with somebody who knows uh what you need i'd like to help you
out i am tied up with another customer trying to design a kitchen right now oh wow um do you have
like a razor knife like on your in your hand that you can use to untie yourself yeah or you can like
back up and like back up to like a chair and break it like james bond does all i can do is transfer
All right, as long as it's not that motherfucker from the tool department, I'm all right.
Go ahead, I'll take a shit here in the toilet display while you do that, all right?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh, yeah.
Here it comes.
The big truck is coming.
Stop talking about it and do it already, goddammit, fuck.
Yeah, hang on.
The big doo-doo truck.
Big doo-doo.
Dude, I got a new mixer and I don't understand the settings,
so I can't do, like, sound effects.
Oh, here.
Toilet.
That didn't work.
Hang on.
Yeah.
That almost sounds like you're getting stuck in the elevator.
This is the elevator one.
It's for toilets and elevators.
Go back and listen to that show.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. I broke something, but I'm here in the store, but I broke something.
Okay. Where are you?
I don't want to get in trouble. You promise? I'm hiding in the bathroom. I don't want to
come out until people promise that. I'm not going to get in trouble.
But what is it that you broke, sir?
It's very, it was very expensive.
Okay.
I got on one of the forklifts and I just started driving it and I drove into the display of
appliances and I broke about, I damaged about four of them, one of them severely.
clearly and then the the forklift is now on its side and it crashed in front of uh some of the
paint cans in the paint section and the paint went all over the forklift and on the ground
okay and i came i i came in here running yeah in your store it just happened right now okay but i
want all right i want i want amnesty and all that because i don't i'm supposed to be on workers comp
i'm not supposed to be able to be out of the house so like you guys can't report this at all
Okay, I'll have to send this to my manager.
Hold on one second.
Okay.
In the appliances.
And it's on its side.
And I was like, ooh, and I ran away to the bathroom.
A Homer Simpson moment.
He just rode like, ooh.
Got a big person about there.
Yeah.
Hey.
Fucking cocksucker.
I got to get out of this toilet, man.
I don't give a beer in that toilet.
You don't fucking care, you.
Toilet.
I'm going to smoke a cigarette here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Badass. I smoke cigarettes in public toilets.
Hey, at least I got an electronic one.
You ever smoke in a school toilet?
This is Crystal.
Hello?
Yeah, hi. Who is this?
This is Crystal.
Are you a manager?
Yes.
Yeah? That's how you say it?
Yes, sir.
Are you sure? Because I need to talk to a manager.
I need to set some kind of amnesty because of the damage I just did.
I just broke something, and I'm hiding in the bathroom,
but I'm not coming out until I have an agreement.
agreement you guys aren't going to report this against me because i'm supposed to be a worker's
comp and if the worker's comp lawyer finds out that i was walking around home depot and doing
stuff then i'm going to lose all the benefits because i'm supposed to be homebound okay what
exactly did you break i got in one of your forklifts and i was driving it i didn't know
how to stop it and i ended up like crashing into two of the appliances to like the washers or
something like that and then the forklift is went down crashed into a display of paint cans
and the paint cans fell and got all over the forklift and the floor and the forklift is on
its side and i escaped out of the side of the forklift and then i ran in here into the bathroom
okay and you're saying you went down my back aisle with the forklift yeah okay i'm gonna start
heading that way did you hurt anybody no well no i just came running running into the bathroom but
But I'm going to leave, but I want to make sure that you're giving me amnesty, you know?
Okay, well, I mean, if you damaged my product, and are you okay, or did you hurt yourself?
I choose not to answer that question.
Okay, well, I'm going to need to talk to you before you leave.
I'm going to leave now before you get back here.
I think I'm just going to leave the bathroom.
Okay, well, I'm right here, so you can come out and talk to me.
No, you're not going to see me.
Oh, you're right outside the bathroom door?
Yes, sir.
All right, don't come in here, okay?
Please, don't come in.
I'll start waiting if you need to speak to me.
Can you bring me a ladder?
Because I can go through the room.
I think I can pop one of these ceiling tiles and I can go through the room.
You need a smaller tub?
You want a smaller one like this?
Where do you got it?
I'm trying to get the...
You want the one for 59?
Yeah.
Okay, give me one second.
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker, you.
Oh, you be hung up.
Oh, God.
That's fucking funny.
I love that shit.
Yeah, I'm here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom.
All right, I got to go.
I got stuff to do.
Thanks, Matt.
Bye.
See you later.
See you later tonight.
Hopefully.
Bye.
All right, everyone else.
Bye.
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