Drone Countermeasures

What you into, sexy? You're so cute, nice eyes.

I meet a few, I like kissing cute boys and wanking them off or sucking them.

I love the taste of cum and a cute ass in my hands.

I'll defo come over to meet you, what time you thinking of?

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

Cool, please don't tell anyone though, I'll defo come over, I'm 29, okay?

I won't tell anyone, I promise.

You little monkey.

You bastard.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

marble cold stone yeah it's a marble slab creamery sir marble cold stone right it's a

marble slab creamery it's same like a cold stone yes sir what do you mean it's the same it's not

the same then cold stone is a different franchise than the marble slab so you don't use concept you

don't use stone you use what this is the same thing as a marble slab a cold stone use also a

slab put the ice cream on but you can't make it cold then right because then it's illegal because

it's copyright so it's ice cream it's cold yeah but but the marble can't be the marble uh it can't

be cold it's just marble marble is is cold like ice because it's on the on the on the machine

which makes the marble cold yeah but you're not allowed to say cold stone that it's not it's a

cold you're using a cold stone so we are not cold stone sorry we are marble so then you don't have

any of your ice cream doesn't okay i'd like to make an order please okay what do you order one

ice cream one ice creams so when you come here we will make your order no i don't want to stand

there with the disgusting people i want to just pick it up and go sorry we don't do that i don't

wait i don't wait motherfucker fuck you then don't wait then don't wait go fuck yourself put the

marble up your ass motherfucker motherfucker idiot hello yeah i'm sorry let's not be like that don't

Don't be like that. I'm sorry, okay?

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, one ice creams.

Sir, we don't take orders. I'm sorry.

You take my orders because I'm American.

Yeah, so?

Where are you from?

I am American, too.

You bhenchod? Where are you? What are you?

I'm a bhenchod.

You bhenchod.

I'm a bhenchod.

You're a bhenchod.

Yeah, you're the monkey that fell out of the tree eating ice cream.

You motherfuckers.

Bhenchod?

Yeah, bring your sister wants ice cream, too.

Bring ice cream for her.

No, my brother, I'm fucking your sister right here in America.

Why are you worried about that?

I'm fucking them right here.

I was fucking your sister, and now she needs ice cream.

I'm fucking right here, your sister.

All your sister, I'm fucking here.

Okay, I'm fucking your mother and all your fathers.

All five fathers.

Go fuck yourself.

Look at your face.

Fucking is a dirty...

Your mother was a bitch, right?

Nope.

She was fucking fucked like ten people, then you came out of her pussy, right?

Your mother's the bitch like a dog in the street getting fucked.

Fucked ten, motherfucker.

Fucked in the street like a dog.

I want ice cream.

Yeah, ice cream.

Look at your face, fucker.

You don't deserve ice cream.

No, I don't.

Lick my dick.

Okay.

It tastes better than ice cream.

Fucker.

Hang up, motherfucker.

Bitch.

Hang up, he said.

That was like hep.

Hello?

How many rats live in the house that you grew up in?

Oh, man.

what makes it express what's that about i'm located inside the river center mon and the

food court area so my menu is a smaller concept that's not express can i help you with anything

yeah this is still the same stupid people working there like at the regular hot it depends for the

stupid people you're talking about like the ones that have dark skin you got anything else better

to do nope so what do you want well i was supposed to go to a cookout with my family but then i faked

Like I wasn't feeling well

So I could stay home

And my wife left

And I'm here all by myself

With the cats

And I thought I'd

Just call you

And ask about IHOP

And all the different things you have

Why do you say it like that?

It goes in your nose

When you go oh

You go oh

Oh

Okay

Ethnic woman

Yeah

Pretty sexy

Sexy ethnic woman with the dark pussy lips.

I love them all.

Love the contrasting colors between the skin and the labia and the inside of the vagina.

Because the berry, the sweet, or the juice.

Why'd you...

Taco berry, sweet, or the juice.

Vapors say, oh, I play this song.

What do you want?

Ah.

Why?

You're where I'm at.

What do you want?

Screw you.

Yeah, screw you.

You told me to fuck off and all this shit, so I...

Dude, I don't want to fuck...

I don't want to fuck you up, man.

Hey, Carlito, I think that that is a little bit drunk.

Just a little bit, yeah.

But he said fuck you to me and all this shit, so I said, okay, all right, bye.

Oh, I wasn't on the show at this time.

Oh, it's okay.

Did you use the N-word yet, buddy?

Me?

I didn't get that mad.

Other people got more mad than I did when I heard...

No one got mad, dude.

Who get mad?

Oh, who cares?

Okay. Yeah, I I was using the DN word as a as in like the white supremacist

Hello, it's okay. You were defending yourself kinda, you know, he had to me

She was gonna kill you right? So yeah

Some people tell me that I never heard it. Well, maybe just say yes trying to make an alibi for you

So yeah, they were treating me

What do you want?

Did you call anybody at the dead?

Or are you still just talking drunk?

What's going on?

Steve?

Steven?

The dead.

Are you there?

If he passed out, I hope he did it.

Not on his back.

Yeah.

But you have to turn on his side, because otherwise he will vomit and suffocate.

You'll Jimi Hendrix yourself.

Is that how he died?

That's what they say.

Yeah.

Either drug and or alcohol, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard someone told me a couple of years ago that he took a syringe

and stick it right up his eyes, so I don't know.

Oh, you see, yeah, there's a lot of, you know, when it comes to people like that young.

Yeah.

Hey, sound good to talk to you finally.

Yeah, it was good to talk to you.

I liked hearing you.

I thought we talked.

No, we didn't talk that one time.

Yeah, just one time.

You were on your hospital bed, I think.

I thought I remembered that.

Yeah.

Dad.

I think he...

Oh.

There he is.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

What happened?

Where'd you go?

Oh, yeah.

Are you okay?

Oh.

Thanks.

Hey, Cardi.

Are you doing some pranks right now?

I was, but I did because Dad wasn't doing any and he kicked me off.

I got a little upset, but I'll stay on with you guys.

We'll combine shows.

What?

I kicked you out?

Yeah.

Yeah, you hung up on me.

You hung up the phone on me.

You hung up the Skype.

Really rude.

Sorry, Carlito.

Now I'm going to cry.

Oh, boo.

I'm going to go cry.

Go.

So what's wrong?

Your wife is working and she didn't talk to you?

Yeah.

Thank you for calling.

Sunglassed.

Happy to help you.

Yeah, I'm looking for my friend Steve's wife.

She didn't call him and she was supposed to go to the mall to work today.

You call Spengleth?

Yeah.

I'm calling the stores that she usually goes to.

We're trying to find her because they got into a fight and she didn't call him before going to work.

He's back here playing jazz music and crying.

Please let me find her.

Do you have any dark-skinned Latina women there or have any come through today?

okay that's right but not mexican ones like dark-skinned latina women but more uh like she's

dominican you fucking ass yeah that like caribbean looking like really black like negro looking

i'm not sure i've actually witnessed any of that you haven't seen any dark-skinned latina women

All right, well, listen, can I give you this picture, and if you see her around, can you let us know?

Call the number at the bottom of the paper.

I'm not sure how you would actually send me a picture, sir, but...

No, I'm right here. Yeah, this one right here.

Can you just take it? You don't have to put it up on your window, but if you see this girl,

just give a call back to the number at the bottom of this, okay?

I love her.

Sure, absolutely. Send the picture.

All right, here you go. All right, buddy, thanks.

Dude, have you ever been in love, man?

Okay.

Have you ever been in love?

He asked you a question.

Yes, I guess, sure.

What, gay love or straight love?

It doesn't matter, I guess.

Because you're pretty gay right now, so.

Okay, sir.

At this point, I have customers to deal with at the register,

but I'm not sure how I can help you.

I can direct it to somebody else

who would actually be able to talk to you a little bit more in depth

of what you need.

Yeah, you know what?

Go fuck yourself, you motherfucking piece of shit.

You're not going to help me anyway.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You said you can transfer?

I'm sorry about him.

You can transfer?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Absolutely.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Great transfer.

Yeah.

Hey, Carlito, how come I can't call you?

I can't call you.

You can't?

No.

You seem like, you know, the cross, like...

You could call Carlito and ban him and the asshole.

I think you said something weird to me and I got scared and I banned you, I think.

Hang on, I'll ban you.

You banned me?

No.

I blocked you because you said you were saying something weird to me.

I forget what it was.

I think I was on heroin, on morphine.

Uh, okay.

And you said something that threw me off and I was like, oh, and I hit.

Okay.

What are you called again?

Train crash.

Yeah, I was.

Train wreck, train crash.

Maybe, yeah, just to join the conf.

There you go.

It should be different now.

Okay.

Hey, Dad, Dad, join Carlito, okay?

Huh?

You and me, we are join Carlito, okay?

I hung up.

Okay, then Carlito can go on mixer and disconnect the mixer and do his own thing then, right?

Are you going to connect?

If you're not going to be with me, you got to be on with me.

You got to be on with me?

Yes, I will.

all right all right okay let me throw some switches okay lazy wife good afternoon thank

you for calling rich chris yeah big house okay in the grand high hotel my name is matlin how

may i assist you i'm to start off i'm very upset at women right now just to let you know all right

so hopefully i don't say like the c word or anything like that to you because i'm really

pissed off motherfucker all right i'm gonna try to contain myself you think you can hang

Of course.

All right.

Listen, so my friend the dad, Stephen, sorry, we call him, he's codenamed the dad, and he's on the ghost squad.

Anyway, so his wife was supposed to be there with another man today.

We found out, so we wanted to call to see, is there any dark-skinned Latin women there?

Yeah, fucking Dominicans, you know.

Yeah, with another man.

This is her husband on the line with me, Steve.

Yeah, fucking Dominicans, man.

Yeah.

She's Dominican.

Anakin, she's, like, dark skin.

She has, like, kinky hair.

You know, it's kinked up.

She has big gold hoop earrings.

Because we're going to go down there and kick his ass.

Yeah, you've seen her pictures, so you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, have you seen the girl in the picture?

So you're trying to see if a woman's here?

Yeah, because if she's down...

She has a fucking pierced earring, and now she has a belly button pierced,

because she's with another fucking guy.

So, you know.

Yeah, if she's down there,

we're going to go to the table

and we're going to flip the table over

and, you know, take care of him.

Well, I haven't seen any women

with a Dominican man or anything like that.

No, no, no.

No, she's Dominican.

She is Dominican.

Oh, she is.

She's not with a Dominican man or nothing.

Yeah, she's a fucking Dominican whore.

So, you know.

Oh, so you're trying to see if she's here right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, let me place you on hold, then let me look.

Okay.

Thank you.

Are they going to check their manifest for Dominicans?

8-8-4-7-4.

Ordering online at www.roosters.com.

Oh, man.

Every detail.

Caucasian, Caucasian, black, Caucasian, Puerto Rican, Mexican, Mexican.

No Dominicans.

Thank you for holding.

We will be with you shortly.

You're okay.

I can't wait for her to go out to a black woman and ask her she's Dominican.

Hey, Carlito, are we on Mixler right now?

Thank you for calling.

Supposed to be, yes.

Okay, thank you.

We are located in the Grand Hyatt Hotel at 600 East Market Street.

Dude, this is a fucking funny hotel, right?

Seven days a week and from 6 a.m. Monday to Friday and 6.30 a.m.

Yeah, we're on Mixler right now, too, by the way.

Thank you for holding, sir

She's not here

We only have two parties here

One's a large six-part party

And the other one's a family

And you're not protecting her or anything

Because we're not going to do anything to her

It's him that we're going to get

No, absolutely not

He's this Greek fucking Onassis-looking motherfucker

So, do you mind if we drive by

If we see his car

We know his car

We know the license plate

Yeah, you know what? His name is Alky David, so, yeah.

Alky?

Okay, um, we don't have a reservation under that name.

He's a billionaire that owns a fucking company, a media company.

Yeah, it's called Film On, and he's being sued.

In Chicago, he's a Coca-Cola bottling heir, and he's an asshole, too.

Yeah, he's being sued by everybody and their mother.

yeah yeah okay i understand yeah anyway i'm so sorry i couldn't help you further but she's not

here we're gonna so there's no problem with us going and checking out all the cars to make sure

that none of them license plate match because if we find that car then we're gonna uh probably let

the air out of the tires there's nothing i'm so sorry i can't do anything to help you further

can we go to your parking lot then do you have valet parking we don't have a parking lot you

You have valet parking?

We're with the hotel.

You have valet parking, motherfucker.

Yes, with the hotel.

Can I talk to the valet guys and have them let me look at all the cars?

Well, I can't transfer you over now because we are using a restaurant phone.

If you want to call the hotel with the Grand Hyatt, they'll be able to help you.

Are you sure they're not in the men's room right now having sex?

I can't check the men's room.

Can you send a guy there and see if there's a Dominican woman with a Greek guy having sex?

Well, um, I can put my manager on the phone.

Yeah, okay, because he's Greek, so he's probably doing it in the ass.

Okay, okay, one moment.

Okay.

At the Prime Bar for swizzle, swizzle, and swirl happy hour cocktails and signature Prime Bites.

Sorry, I'm not upsetting you, am I, buddy?

Fucking Elkie David with my wife, god damn it.

I thought Elkie was your friend.

I thought he was your friend that day.

I know.

But she's fucking my wife now, so he's not my friend.

Bruce Chris Riverwalk

is the proud recipient

of many awards

most recently winning

the Dorona Award

dude he's being sued

by every single

with fine dining

restaurants in North America

with your wife

you want to be

fucking pissed at me

fuck Alki David

he'll never come

anywhere near me

he's a piece of crap

he's being sued

by every television

studio in the

fucking country

yeah he is

and he comes up

with these bullshit

fucking things

Things about, I'm going to sue CBS for piracy because one of their tech websites was a SourceForge

hosted a U-Torrent on it, so I gotcha.

Yeah, right.

Kind of weak, Alki, but all right, buddy.

Then he said the guy was going to kill himself.

The guy that supposedly was going to commit suicide on the video, and he didn't do it.

It was fake.

If you're looking for an extra special dining experience, ask us about River Barge Dining.

It is the perfect way to entertain on the river.

Doesn't he say he invented holograms on stage?

Ask to speak with our sales manager, or you can go to our website at www.s.a.com.

At the May 2 Park Hologram Party.

Yeah.

He says that he owns the rights to hologram performers.

Yeah, that's a fucking bullshit.

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah, who's this?

Is there a man there I can talk to?

I'm the general manager here.

Yeah, but we have a lot of problems with women not handling things, messing stuff up, making mistakes.

What is it you're needing, sir?

It's man business.

What do you need?

Yeah, my wife's fucking on me with Elkie David.

Yeah, his wife's there now with another man we just found out because he checked in on Twitter, and it's with his wife.

so we wanted to know if we could come in and we'll pay you anything um you know for like damage to

the tables and the plates and stuff like that you're not going to come in here and cause damage

to our restaurant i'll call the police well we're listen listen we just want to work it out with you

we'll give you the money up front no you're off an error come on no thank you so much come on

what about the cars

Hey, call her back and say we could offer you a Lamborghini to do it.

Yeah, tell her we have Jennifer Lawrence nude pictures.

No, call her back, call her back.

I want to say I have a Lamborghini.

Speaking of those pictures, have you seen them?

I've seen, I guess, the first round I saw them.

Yeah.

Dude, that's not Olivia Munn.

I know that's a fake one.

There's no proof that's Olivia Munn.

The only Olivia Munn picture is some, like, small-tittied girl in a nurse costume getting fucked.

Carlito.

What?

Elkie David is only worth $400 million right now.

Oh, he's poor.

Wow.

He was a billionaire, though.

What the fuck happened?

He's going to lose a lot more, motherfucker.

He's going to lose a lot more.

Damn.

Yeah.

All that money he got was from his father.

Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Rooster's Steakhouse, located in the Grand Hyatt Hotel.

My name is Matlin. How may I assist you?

Yeah, can we speak to the woman manager?

Yes, one moment.

All right, today, here we go.

I love you, baby.

Today, you're doing me.

Oh, I'm talking to my wife.

This is Mary.

Hey, Mary.

Look, if you show up here, I'm going to call the police.

Hey, Mary.

Okay.

How are you?

Don't call back here.

We're sorry.

Hey.

We're sorry. We're not going to show up there.

Don't call back here.

Can we just check this here for this car?

Why are you upset?

Damn.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You were taking this one?

No, she was going to crash there.

I tried to save it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Because I never talked to her, I think.

No.

So therefore, we can call her back, I guess.

I guess.

Probably heard to me, so.

Yeah, probably.

Thank you for calling Ruth Christy.

Yeah, I'm in the ceiling tiles over in the toilet,

and I don't see him in here with her,

So, I think we're just going to pass.

Okay, and you're here in the restaurant?

No, we're in the hotel, and we're inside where the elevator shaft is,

and it goes over where your bathroom is for the restaurant.

Okay, at the top level across from Bar Road Hall?

I'm inside the elevator shaft right now.

Yeah, I'm looking in.

Okay, all right, thank you.

I put a five rock to camera in here.

I don't see anyone in here.

I think we're good.

now they're gonna call the cops because i said i'm there yeah yeah now they're gonna call the

cops shit that's sick man but you're already like oh my god okay thank you she just told

the manager and the manager's like okay call 9-1-1 they said yeah that's not good that's sick

well i would use guys said call him back that's what you guys said

Yeah.

Technically, we could call them that.

That's what you said.

Is that how I sound?

No.

Okay.

Here's another statement.

Okay.

You should call my stepdaughter right now and speak in Spanish.

No one will understand it.

Huh?

No one will understand it.

You want to call my stepdaughter, I'll give you the number.

Yeah, but no one will understand it.

Damn it.

Because it's Spanish.

No one's going to understand that shit.

Ah, she speaks English.

All right, give me the number.

What's her name, Reynosa?

Um, Archie Lady.

Archie, what?

Archie Lady?

Ardelecy?

Archie Lady.

Arce...

Shut the fuck up.

Let's go.

What is it really, Arce Lady?

Archie Lady.

Gotcha.

Oh, okay, I got you.

You know Arde Lady, come on.

Of course a lady.

Arde Lady.

A Puerto Rican, you know her name.

No, we don't have those Dominican names like you guys do.

For a minute, of course, I have a problem.

Shit.

Should I see you or Skype you?

Put it in Skype.

Room or private?

Main room.

Okay, I trust Trainwreck enough to not give a fuck, so, yeah.

No, don't worry, man.

No, dude, I trust you.

Okay, okay, thank you.

All right, then do it private if you're scared.

It's okay.

No, I love Trainwreck.

Trainwreck's my buddy, so.

Right now I can't dial anybody, so I fixed that.

Yeah, but I don't know if you could dial the DR, though.

Yep.

supposed to be able to hopefully she's home and

remember, she's 15, so no fucking after-war shit, so...

Oh, don't worry.

We'll take care of her for you.

We'll take care of your niece or whatever it is.

Who is she?

Stepdaughter.

Okay.

Still working on fixing the phone here, eh?

Lying by the way, so...

I can't make any calls, I don't think.

Why is that, Carly?

The app that I use, I don't use Skype, I use something else,

and for some reason, sometimes it just gets into this mode where it won't connect anything.

It just says that I'm missing all the calls.

Oh.

Usually I just log out of it and log back in and it fixes, but it's not right now.

Let me try the Dominican number.

I'm muting you guys.

Uh, Dad, why'd you want us to call her again?

Does she have something funny that she does, or?

What?

The dad, what did you want us to say to her?

I forgot.

Dad.

Speak Spanish.

Hold on for a minute.

Fucking asshole.

Hey, so you Dominican?

Hey, it's Steve.

Oh, yeah?

That's cool.

You have dark hair, dark eyes, dark hair.

Huh?

Hello?

Do you like Santa Claus?

Oh, oh, oh.

I know.

I've been staying.

Do you have Santa Claus in the Dominican Republic?

I don't understand.

Do you have water?

¿Tienes agua?

Ah, yes.

Oh, from where? ¿De dónde?

Toda la piscina.

Do you have to go to the, like, el pozo?

Do you have to bajar al pozo to get water?

Not to us.

No?

You just turn on the faucet?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, wow, that's good.

That's good.

Do you have lights, electric lights?

You just turn on the switch?

switch switch yeah you have mcdonald's give me a steve steve as steve um i knew it's a mcdonald's

it's in um santiago so wow you guys are pretty boring hey yeah yeah give me a steve steve can

Can I hang up on your daughter-in-law?

Yeah.

Say, Kel, what are you doing?

I'm not doing nothing, you loco.

See?

You loco.

This is stupid.

We're talking to stupid people about stupid things.

I don't want to talk to her anymore, okay?

Um, where is Rosie?

Tell me, auntie lady.

Auntie in the school.

Oh, auntie lady in the school.

Okay.

Tell you, amigo.

I think it's fine.

Okay, cool, me too.

I speak Spanish too, but I don't like to because it makes me, like, it brings me down.

He speaks Spanish?

Yes, I speak Spanish.

Okay.

Yeah, but I don't like to.

I like English better.

Okay.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed to speak Spanish.

I'm embarrassed that I'm Latino.

Okay, bye.

Me da vergüenza.

I told her I took pills to take away my skin color

and she's like, oh, wow.

Did she believe me?

Did that?

No.

know dude he's um he's 12 okay well dude he's 12 so yeah you know who you should give that number

to is matt hillock when he comes on in a little bit he should talk to her she's 12 you know what

you know what my wife isn't um coming home until um 10 o'clock at night

Oh, shit.

Is that true?

Are they going to dar por culo today with her?

Or what's going on?

What's she doing?

Dar por culo.

Dude, she's working in a cafeteria, man.

Yeah, dar por culo.

Because I can't afford to, um, she's like, why can't you give me food?

Why can't you give me food?

I'm like, I can't give you fucking food right now, man.

Why did you get married if you couldn't afford it?

Well, I could afford it, kind of, but not really.

No, you can't.

You can't now, right?

Why are you having unprotected sex with her and all that?

Because she's in the pill.

Are you sure?

She's not just trying to trap you?

No.

It's a trap.

It could be a trap, a cream pie trap.

No, it's not.

It feels good, right, finishing a girl like that?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the way it's supposed to be.

Doesn't that feel good?

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Do you cream pie all the way?

Do you, like, go deep in and finish?

Or how do you, like...

On our honeymoon, yeah.

You know that you shouldn't do that part, though.

You're crazy, man.

I'm thinking of you cream pie.

Dad, you just had sex for, like, the first time that one Thanksgiving you called in, like, two years ago.

You're like, yeah, I just, I've been fucking this nurse.

Dude, do you know what?

I knew you for over nine years, and you're so crazy.

I know, you too, man.

you guys want to do some pranks all right fine excuse me excuse me hey you're the you're the

big boss man you get numbers so we don't have much time yeah 15 minutes okay yeah because we

can't disrespect matt but i'm gonna give that number to matt all right steve the dad is that

all right don't do that no yo fucking he's already got one immigrant girl yeah now he's

Then I'll have an immigrant mistress teenager knowing him.

And she won't be able to get her passport.

Nope.

Let's not do that.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut, Hawaii's best.

Why Pizza Hut?

Oh, yeah.

I said anything.

Anything.

Yeah.

I could go for some pizza.

The representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Do the mmm, mmm, yeah, at the beginning.

Okay.

Topping a specialty pizza for $13 each when you buy two.

If you want.

Or try our cheesy bite pizza that's made with 28 cheese-filled, pull-a-bowl, dipp-a-bowl, pop-a-bowl bites.

Pop-a-bowl, pop-a-bowl.

Pop-a-bowl.

Hello, I want the pop-a-bowl.

Hi, thank you for calling Pizza Hut. This is Tracy. Can I set up with your phone number?

Yeah, pop-a-bowl.

Hello?

Oh my god.

Hello? Yeah, I need to make order.

Okay, can I set up with your phone number?

Yeah.

It's 610-1545.

Is it poppable?

That's the cheesy bite?

Hey, do you want it?

Let me get out of the toilet, all right?

I was taking a shit.

Hang on.

Flash.

Yeah.

Here I am.

You there?

Is it for pickup or delivery?

Um, pickup.

At which location?

Uh, the, your location, the one I call it, the Honolulu.

I'm sorry.

Actually, Pizza Hut has a call center.

And so which city?

Pizza Hut has a call center?

When did that happen?

Um, I am not sure.

When did you start working there, motherfucker?

What is this?

Pizza Hut has a call center?

Yeah, I guess.

Oh my god.

I was pretty surprised, too, when I heard that for the first time.

Well, that sucks for prank calls.

Maybe because of what Brad's been doing, getting numbers, let's just get a call center.

Yeah, but I think some of them get the call directly, I think.

That is weird.

Yeah.

That is so weird.

and i'd never encountered that before that is really that's so personal yeah yeah like a

national call center just for yeah located in india wow just just beside the microsoft tech

support you know um india yeah the reason why india has a lot of call india indiana has a lot

of call centers is it indiana you said this place is in i know i think i i said that it was in a

you know india where the real indian people are there but there is a state somewhere in the

country okay uh in the united states that they can sit it's considered their accent is considered

the most easiest to understand oh and there's a lot of call centers based out of there and i

thought it was indiana it might have been like one of those weird ones you don't know you don't

know any of the states really you know like new york that's it uh me no i know california new

New York, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Texas, I guess.

But I never went to all of them.

Is that what you mean?

Yeah, that kind of thing.

Well, yeah.

Well, you know.

You don't know all the 50 states and where they're located and stuff like that.

I won't be able to place them on a map.

No, I can't.

Exactly.

And that's fine because you're from wherever you are.

Yeah, I'm from Canada.

Canada, that's right.

Really?

You should know if you're in Canada.

Yeah.

Are you a French-Canadian?

Yes, I am.

Wow.

Are you a Quebec or a warrior?

Yes, I'm a Quebecer.

Quebecois.

How do you say Quebec?

Quebecois.

That's Quebecois.

How do I say the state?

Quebec?

Quebec.

You can say it as the English way.

It's Quebec.

Quebec.

And then someone from Quebec is a Quebecois.

A Quebecois.

Quebecois.

That's it.

Quebecois.

Good, thanks.

because I never know how to pronounce those things yeah I'm always like oh

shit yeah all right a few more calls I'm not I don't want to call a call center

for pizza try another one this brings me down yeah you wanna what do you want a

Walgreen and Walmart let me try this one for Cuckoo low you know you can say are

Are you the coolo?

Why don't you call my wife?

You want me to call your wife?

Yeah.

No, don't do it.

You know that how it's going to end.

She's going to pick up, though.

She's going to pick up, say something in Spanish, hung up.

No, she's not going to.

All these numbers are the same.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut, Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance,

and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Coming in the dead tonight

So long

Coming in the dead tonight

Hello

Hi, can I shout out for the telephone number?

No

Alright, 808-643-1111

No, your telephone number?

No, that is a phone number you said

No, I need your telephone number to start with

407-916-1041

one seven nine oh six no motherfucker nine one six one oh four one nine oh you're so rude

yeah all you want is a papa bowl

but it's hard to understand in that

if papa john sold pasta they could call it a papa bowl a papa bowl i like that i like that

name yeah in the u.s you're pretty lucky because at the pizza hut you got the the wing street i

guess oh they're bad yeah you like them yeah i like them your call will be recorded for quality

yeah i guess me too and a customer service representative will be with you shortly

is there a mama bowl a papa bowl and a baby bowl and a baby bowl yeah this is darla could i start

Hey, Papa Bowl.

Hello?

I'm sorry?

I want some Papa Bowl.

Do you got those?

One Papa Bowl.

Are you talking about the Cheesy Bites, Chris?

No.

Listen, I just hear the advertisement on your line, and they say the Papa Bowl.

I want to try that.

Ear.

Yes, the Papa Bowl.

Probably they're talking about the Cheesy Bites?

Yeah, I guess.

Papa Bowl.

Okay.

Can I get a phone number to take your order?

Does it come with the Baby Bowl and the Mama Bowl, too?

Hang on one second.

Oh, shit.

This call center doesn't take shit, man.

No.

No, they won't.

What's the procedure?

I think you work in a call center.

You mentioned that in one of your previous shows.

In the past.

I spent about 10 years working in call centers.

Maybe eight.

Yeah.

What's the procedure when you don't understand someone like,

probably she didn't understand me at all?

put it on old wishing that he will hung that the customer will hang up yeah that's that's the first

thing because you you do that and you start saying i gotta find a manager i think this is

how can i help you hey take this one hi yeah we want we are trying to order a poppable okay we

have the cheesy bite pizzas they have shut up shut up with that you shut up no you motherfucker

Oh, my God.

They won't take shit at all.

Yeah, shut up.

No, you shut up.

It sounds like it's still the same people from the restaurants and the call centers.

We don't take shit.

We smoke here and everything.

Yeah.

They have two jobs.

Yeah.

This is kind of cool.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut, Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance.

Oh, shit.

and a customer service representative

will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Star is not a valid choice.

Please try again.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut,

Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded

for quality assurance

and a customer service representative

will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Yeah, sometimes I fuck up the verbs.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

How can I help you?

Papa Bowl.

Can we order the Papa Bowl?

You called the wrong number.

Hello?

I want two pizza.

You called the wrong number.

Pizza?

Is this the pizza hut?

808-545-4290.

And delivery or pickup?

Pickup.

Which location?

From Wilder Ave.

Your name?

Horse.

First and last.

Horse.

Cat.

Manuet.

M-A-N-U-E-T.

What would you like to order?

One poppable.

We don't have a poppable.

Train wreck.

Tell her, because she does not understand me.

I'm going to get mad and yell and curse at her.

Yeah, me too, man.

Okay, I would like to order two pizza, okay?

What's the biggest one?

Is it your ass?

Yeah.

The large?

Okay, the large one.

I don't want cheese, okay?

Hello?

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Okay, but you can answer me when I ask.

Don't need to be rude here, okay?

Now I apologize.

Oh, shit.

You put me on hold.

This hasn't been going out on the mixture this whole time.

Damn.

You guys lost a whole bunch of great shit.

that sucks you guys missed a whole bunch of shit yeah i'm sorry guys

you missed some you you missed some great call i wish you guys would have told me earlier in

the chat man these pizza calls are fucking hilarious yeah which means i can't publish

this either i'm gonna have to replay it at one point fuck i have another recording of it going

but i'll have to replay it so to chop that up yeah i'm just gonna like replay it on

On the Mixler?

On the Mixler, so there's a copy on the showreel, yeah.

Okay.

That sucks, man.

Shit.

Fuck it, I'll host it somewhere now.

I'll put it up somewhere.

Yeah.

Maybe we can call the Pizza Hut Center.

They have the recording too.

So maybe that we can use that to put it on the Mixler.

You got a point.

It's a good thing they said the recording is called.

Yeah, they are telling us.

Thank you so much for holding.

Hello?

Hi, okay.

Are you the previous person I just talked to?

the one that was very rude no okay but you can apologize for her i guess it works i accept your

apologize if you apologize okay she said motherfucker and after she said the n-word

and she she she was very disrespectful do you apologize for her for your co-worker hello

hello for your apology yeah thank you neon no i didn't i didn't said the n-word she said the

n-word hey what's your name lady lady on the phone okay okay hey um carlito can you uh boost

up her volume please her volume 10 4 yeah please is that a possibility yes okay thank you

hopefully you don't get an echo no that will be all right all right were you able to hear her

Yeah.

Okay.

There's a weird setup that I had to switch to because...

Hello?

Hello, what's your name?

This is Myra.

Hey, Myra.

Are you the one that will apologize for me?

No, I apologize to you, sir.

You told me to shut up.

I told you to shut up, and I hung up on you.

You guys are calling us and pranking our phone.

You need to stop doing that.

If you're not going to order a pizza, then don't bother us.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did, sir.

We have it on recording.

Everything you say is on a recording.

Okay, but speaking of recording, can you ship that to me? I will use it later.

But anyway, I would like to make an order if that is possible, because I'm not the one that said shut up to you.

Yes, you are, because it's the same phone number and the same voice.

Okay, what is the...

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to a call center.

And I'm going to block your numbers if you keep calling us and pranking us.

Okay, no, but I would like to order, please.

Okay, so if you're going to order, please place an order to stop playing around on the phone.

Okay, can I place my order now?

Sure.

Sure. Okay, the phone number you ordered is going to be placed on there.

Okay, please.

What is your phone number?

My phone number is...

407-916-1041.

Did you get that, Lee?

407-916-1041?

Yes.

Correct.

One moment, please.

I'm just the phone number guy. I'm in the toilet. He's talking to you about the word.

Can we proceed with the order now?

This is for pickup or delivery.

Pickup.

At what store?

are uh the one in um let me see in uh farrington highway okay we have a few stores on farrington

highway which one are you looking for it's the 86 120 friendly you know where the guy says like

yo man are you doing smoke weed every day you know the one in um walani i i don't know how to

pronounce i'm in vacation here i mean in hawaii yeah that person last another person picking up

Okay, my name is Tim.

Tim.

Yeah, just Tim.

And your last name?

Okay, and what did you want to order, Tim?

Okay, I would like to order a Papa Bowl.

That's a cheesy bite pizza, go ahead.

Okay, can I, how much is it?

It's $16.99 with one topping.

$16 bucks?

Bitch.

Does it come with the Mama Bowl?

All right, that's it, I'm blocking all your numbers, goodbye, have a nice day.

Hey, hey, hey, settle down, Berta.

Sorry.

Bitch.

Sorry.

Sorry for keep making noise and saying.

No, that's all right.

I think she appreciates those.

Let me check on Matt's status, see if he's on LTM party time, right?

Yeah, I like to call people Bertha and to settle down.

Settle down, Bertha.

I heard that from someone.

I don't know who I have to give credit for that.

It's just telling me I haven't called him.

All right, Matt's on.

I got to go.

I got to let him on.

I don't want to play over.

Bye.

Bye, Dad, if you're here.

Bye, Carlito.

Bye, Tren Ray.

Bye.

Yeah, see you later.

Bye.

See you later.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Have a good one.

Bye.

Yeah, you too.

Bye.

We accept cash, visa, and MasterCard.

We do not take personal checks, prepaid credit cards, or payroll credit cards.

As a reminder, when dealing with cash, the driver carries no more than $20 in change.

Please remain on the line for the next available...

Fuck it, I'll call it later.

Fuck it, it's taking too long.

Must be busy time in the coconut country.

What is it, 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock in the evening there?

Yeah.

yeah i can see that okay seven month old full male female full blooded boxer dog machine

needs a new home because it keeps jumping the fence apparently you know you don't put

negative things on your resume enigma you know that right yeah just saying

65 or four in hawaii hello yeah hi you have a female baby dog uh boxer puppy

puppy, uh, doggy machine?

Seven-month-old machine?

I had a little female boxer.

Oh, and she keeps jumping the fence, and you're trying to give her

away so she doesn't get hurt? Yeah.

Okay, um, why does she jump the fence?

Is she, uh, stupid or something?

She's not stupid. She's very smart.

Well, then why isn't she staying

inside the fence? Like, in the fence,

why doesn't she respect?

Okay, goodbye. Don't call me back.

You ever train her? Train her right?

She's not stupid.

She's not gonna pick.

I am a mower.

All right, here's someone looking for Section 8 approved home.

Yeah.

Enigma's on that Section 8 himself.

He's doing very well.

No.

Matt is.

Matt Hillock.

What do you got?

An apartment, Enigma?

You're in a house?

A car?

Yeah, I'm in a house.

Nice.

I'm a Jew lawyer.

I'm sorry, but the person...

I took the Beatles and the Wu-Tang Clan and all that put together, and I just made it

one thing, man.

And it just, it worked.

One, two.

Rest

in peace, ODB.

R.I.P.

I'm sorry, but the person you called...

Fuck him.

There's someone selling an iPod

Classic

And an eMachines computer machine

Yeah, hi

I see you have an ad here

you got an e-machines computer machine yeah i do oh yeah let me take you let me take you out of my

headphones real quick hold on just a second why why why hello you there why why why why why why

the headphones why why did you do that because i'm at the gym oh cool cool you're working out

yeah you do cardio you lifting i'm getting ready to do cardio oh fuck yeah you get a burn on you

you like to get your burn on i do too bro i'm about to i'm about to tear it up hopefully fuck

yeah man that's what i'm talking about so what can you do with this computer machine or does

it have the youtube computers on it youtube chip i don't know about a chip i mean i know it can

pull up youtube i don't know much about computers you put in the computer and you tell it that you

need the final information like compound interest and you put in the numbers and you type everything

thing in and you go and the computer goes out and it gets the information and it comes back

and shows it to you i'm i'm not really sure all i know is that uh it works just like any other any

other computer i guess how old is it how old is it about about two years ago maybe oh and how do

you make it go by pushing buttons okay i don't know general buttons like um there has it has

actual buttons on it yeah to make it go okay okay that's nice okay all right and then i can

can use this with uh the email yeah okay it's compatible with email yeah it does everything

all right and then i can put the ipod on it that you have also i could put the ipod on it

yeah and the ipod will play the streaming music everything off the internet it'll get the emails

and everything no no it won't do that yeah it will no it won't uh-huh it's just an ipod it's

just an ipod classic yeah exactly yeah it'll do all that oh well i didn't know that one yeah

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You have to put it up your asshole.

Don't go. Don't go, okay? I'm sorry.

I don't know. Fuck that guy.

He's pissing me off.

He's pissing me off with his non-confrontational attitude and his politeness.

Motherfucker.

This is fake here.

Marijuana, yeah.

Chihuahua pups.

The worst dog, man.

Man, Chihuahuas, little motherfucker, rude motherfuckers.

Speaking of being rude.

Chihuahuas, man.

Hello?

Yeah, you got Chihuahua puppy machines?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, are they sassy or do they respect?

back hang on me and i'll let you talk to my husband he's wanted yeah show me your tits

yeah your wife's gonna show me her tits hello yeah the chihuahua puppies you have them for sale

oh yes how many of them fuckers you got eddie i saw the ad for the chihuahua puppy machines

you put an ad for chihuahua pops for sale public ad so i'm calling about that right you're using

Oh, I'm sorry. That's how I come across sometimes. I'll tone it down. I'm sorry.

You know, I like to talk to everyone like they're my friend when I first talk to them for the first time, you know?

Yeah, but I guess I do get, sometimes I get into trouble for that, and I apologize.

I'll, you know, I should be more mindful of that.

All right, partner. So what do you say, boss? I won't talk like that, as I said.

Chihuahua puppies, how many you got there, buddy?

We got left to go.

Okay. Any males, or what are they? Who do you have? Do you know?

I think one's a male and one's a female, and then there's one that kind of hurt a while

and the other ones, but he's a male, too.

And how big are their sexual organs?

That I couldn't tell you.

Okay, you have no idea?

No.

Okay, probably really small right now still, right?

Yeah, he is.

Okay, and when do they become sexually active so I can breed them?

After a year, that's what people recommend.

After a year, they can start fucking?

You can put, like, with the female puppy, they'll make a...

Right?

Yeah.

Are you...

No, actually I'm from New York. I'm retired. I retired at 42. I'm from New York. I made some investments, and I got a place here on Horse Machine Ranch. It's a new development, Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm not from around here. You know, I just retired here.

Yeah, this is really mostly my second home. This is me by myself with my nephew, and then we needed some dogs, you know, to masturbate and have peanut butter and potted meat food product off of our genitals.

I'll tell you what.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's better.

It's the easiest way to breed them is if you just masturbate them and then sell the sperm.

You can make a lot of money.

I deal about masturbation.

Well, it's just to sell.

It's just a business thing.

It's, you know, it's accepted within the community, the breeding community.

I'm sure it is.

Do that or something.

So you're just letting the dogs have sex then?

Yeah, but the standard now is to masturbate.

how you doing buddy hey there you got some watermelons machines over there yeah yeah

what did you use to fertilize with it did you use feces or actual just water and dirt go off

i fertilize with our feces here and they come out really big you know from the feces but then

they taste you can kind of taste it in the watermelon it's got a little bit yeah it tastes

like feces like shit yeah oh yeah but they come out really nice so what i do is i sell those um

i sell them and people don't find out until they eat them and it's not like all the way feces

isn't like you're biting into shit like a shit sandwich but there's like a little taste of feces

yeah so you don't have any feet there weren't any feces do you have any dogs

that he pissed or shit near the watermelons at all okay all right that's good can i i'm gonna

How many watermelons do you have, by the way?

Five?

You got like five, six of them?

No, I've got three pigs.

Oh, you got more than that coming then.

All right.

Can I bring my x-ray machine?

I want to just x-ray them all and check them before I buy them.

I'm going to buy five of them off you,

but I need to x-ray them before I buy them

to make sure that you didn't slip anything inside.

We just to test them, to test them, you know?

Hello?

No, it's a portable x-ray machine I own.

It's fine.

Why can't you...

Fuck.

Sell them to someone else.

Sell them to nobody else.

Now I'm going to say motherfucker.

If you pick something.

Listen, you motherfucker.

You can't do that.

Son of a bitch.

I'm going to have me them watermelons.

Motherfucker.

But they ain't nothing wrong with that.

If I sent them in a watermelon,

you could see where it's compared to a watermelon.

Oh, you got a point.

Okay, all right.

We can skip the machine then.

All right.

All right, so can I come to your place?

No.

If you want, I'll meet you somewhere.

Uh, where?

You want to meet at the Walmarts?

Yeah, I'll meet you at Walmart.

Walmarts?

All right.

When can you be there?

Which Walmart are you talking about?

Uh, which one's closest to you?

I'll go to any one, motherfucker.

You tell me at Walmart.

No, you tell me at Walmart.

I don't know.

I'm not from this area originally.

So you got to tell me.

Where are you from?

I moved here just a month ago.

Well, three and a half weeks ago.

I have a new house.

I'm from New York.

I retired.

And I have a new house.

uh which walmart is closest to you i don't know is why i don't know anything here yet in this

redneck town if you tell me which one i'll g google maps it and i can go to that ones

i don't know do you know the one that's closest to horse machine ranch

what side are you in tennessee chain ranch yeah it's a all brand new subdivision here so a

a development every year away we all are we all have eastern middle we all get four and a half

acres to ourselves and some people have horses some people on motorcycles i have a few animals

here i'm at rogersville yeah where's that at in tennessee oh no i'm in west tennessee okay all

right you're advertised on the radio show that i listen to that's local god damn it you understand

understand me no fucking shit fucking fuck good good i'm glad he hung up because i don't want to

talk to him where is that where is that how does he not know where rogersville is it's the city

that this radio station you better give me that money hey there's some numbers in the chat if you

want them yeah gorgeous twin trindle bed better than a bunk bed it's a trindle bed brought to

To you by Trindle.

In my video.

All right.

On the hat and I let you roll.

Just dance if you're caught up in the Holy Ghost trend.

Stop.

No.

I'm the ODP as you can see.

B.I. don't juke.

I'm just a playdough.

I ain't not giving my money.

Going to the next one.

Lincoln Park.

Pets are okay.

I guess an apartment.

$95 in Lincoln Park.

$8.95 a month.

That's a trap.

Sounds like it's...

Isn't Lincoln Park a decent area?

It's all right.

895

I wouldn't expect you to live that

affordable

yeah you have a

machine for rent

a house machine

apartment

895 in the heart of

Lincoln Park machine

I say machine a lot

because I'm not from here so I

sometimes I say machine it is

at the end of stuff

oh uh yeah well the unit's still on the market motherfucker is it for rent or what's going on

for rent okay and how many spaces is inside uh we don't have the dimensions for units the spaces

how many room spaces does it have it's a studio how many toilet just one toilet just one toilet

and one shower oh okay you have one toilet to do your business and then a little studio it doesn't

say here that it's a studio so don't be like that with me okay like what like sassy like that you

know like being snippy no i'm not being sassy and you know you like a family i'm just trying to help

you out like a feminine hispanic you know all right man all right take care hey no no no no

come on i'm sorry okay man he's like i'm in control man because i had the place

i'll hang up i mean all right so i'll call him back from a different id machine

why do i keep saying machine what an asshole right for him to say that who does he think he is

yeah he's a dick no one ever says that

people will get mad and say you know shit about it but then what's like what's your

fucking problem

Fucking snotty fucking asshole.

Come on, machine.

Computer machine giving me trouble.

The dialing caller ID machine.

on the web page, machine.

Drank a lot of water today,

or what'd you have?

Pepsi?

Uh, yeah, actually,

drank a lot of water today.

Had some, uh,

had some beers and shit.

Ah, yeah.

Yeah.

There we go.

drink a lot of pepsi uh no not anymore it's too bad i used to love drinking regular coke actually

when i was a teenager like up until i hit high school i was all about the pepsi and then

i moved to coke okay i used to drink a lot of soda in those days too and i kind of stopped too

Yeah, well, when I was diagnosed with diabetes, I went to diet, and then diet drinks, and

then now I try to do water.

I think I had a, I've never had a soda.

I couldn't tell you the last time I had a soda.

Oh, I think last weekend when I sloshed.

I think I had, I think that's what it is.

Hello, you have reached David.

I'm not available right now.

Come on, man.

UID, man.

hey we're up here we're getting on a boat get me now we're just celebrating tonight

thank you for not losing control when you were talking to us thank you for being

uh you know not yelling but you were still kind of an asshole you know because why did i say

what was it he did he said oh because i keep saying machine that you were so rude like that

you know so i'm putting that down on my paper and i report about you motherfucker all right

you're gonna race you up yeah bye if you are satisfied with your message press one to listen

to your message press two to erase message review hey we're up here we're getting on a boat we're

just celebrating tonight thank you for not losing control when you were talking to us thank you for

being uh you know not yelling but you were still kind of an asshole you know because why did i say

anyway what was he he said oh because i keep saying machine that you were so rude like that

you know so i'm putting that down on my paper and i report about you motherfucker all right

it'll raise you up yeah bye if you are satisfied with your you've pressed an

to send your message with normal delivery.

Shut up. Send it.

Alright. Thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, hi. You have Compaq computer machines?

Compaq? No.

You have Compaq computer for sale, no?

No, no. I have...

Oh, kittens. You have the kittens.

I'm also calling about the kittens.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we still got both of those.

Oh, yeah?

And it's two girls.

They don't have their sexual organs showing out

and all that well it seems to me like like they're like they're female but um but you know

if they're male i'm not even sure yeah we have we have a male cat um at at home here and um

you know he definitely has his balls hanging out there and um you know these definitely don't have

anything like that hanging okay oh okay and then how do they react how will how will they react to

being chased around with a broom because they would not probably appreciate that too well all

All right, can I come over with the broom to your house?

Okay, have a nice night.

No, don't go.

Come on.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, hey, sorry.

I completely missed your ad request.

Sorry.

I got you.

Do you want me to repaste that list in here?

Yeah.

The Mason numbers you're saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pasting those.

And let me open the chat room again.

and i should still have your numbers right did you have any were there any left in that let's

just send me an iguana yeah there's like 15 i think and i got about six more oh shit i see

give me repace them in this jet or yeah repace the one let me tell you i can tell you from where

we're kittens puppies yeah start with the 11 week old tan pit bull okay

Actually, I'm good, Nova.

If you're scrambling a copy of that, I got it.

What's that?

Yeah, I got it, yeah.

I opened it up.

All right.

Now, are any of these in session today?

Supposed to be.

What's in session?

oh these are actually their home phone numbers right because yeah i even would like to call

the lodges when they have yeah those are the uh home phone numbers okay cool cool all right let

me uh it's for uh all the lodges in the state of florida yeah i've seen this before it's quite

an interesting tool all right so i'm guessing worshipful master is the leader yeah that's the

the leader.

God, it's so silly.

I actually just got into my local lodge

here a couple weeks ago.

They accepted me and initiated me.

Are you for real?

Yeah.

And you're still propagating,

making fun of the order?

That's going to go away quick.

Yeah.

They're going to indoctrinate you.

They haven't taught me anything yet,

so I know not what I do.

Wow.

Will you share with us the stuff

or you won't do it, will you?

Maybe.

I don't know.

Yeah, come on.

Seriously, share the stuff.

It's nothing really secret about it.

I don't know.

I like to know what the actual meetings are about, like what happens.

Sure.

Why not?

I hear some cool ceremonies.

Sure, why not?

I don't know.

I don't care.

No, I don't mind.

What thoughts run through your mind?

It's George by Anal Sex.

We forget our cares when we hear Beatle records.

It's fun.

What do you think of Beatle's gonna last?

Well, I wish they'd last forever.

They could bring happiness to everybody.

I'm going to the warden.

Tell them if you talk to anyone other than the warden,

tell them they're moving up to the east.

They'll know what that means.

Moving up to the east, okay.

Yeah, that's the master's chair.

You're just starting out with Switzerland, the north,

then they have the south, the west, and the east is where the leader sits.

So what will you be when you join?

Entered apprentice.

Hey, fellow craftsmen, master mason.

Hello.

Yeah, hi, is that Mr. Matthew?

Bruno?

Uh, no, you got the wrong number.

Uh, who am I speaking with?

I was trying to get a hold of Matt.

Uh, nope.

Nobody here by the name of Matt.

Shit, motherfucker.

Well, I got this information from the masons, the Freemason Order.

Are you one of them?

Uh, no, I'm not.

I'm with, I'm a brother.

I'm with the Brotherhood.

Uh, nope.

Not part of it.

All right, what's your name?

I command you to give me your name.

Tim?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you know about them?

The Freemasons?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Did you want to share any information with me?

I'm trying to track some stuff down.

I don't know much about them.

Yeah.

I don't know what I see on TV.

Well, apparently the local lodge here, they got a hold of the Infinity Key.

And if they're going to try to pass that on to whoever's highest in the echelon,

and then things could get really bad, they can open up the magic chest,

and then the four horsemen will come out of it

and it'll start arming again.

Yeah, so the most important thing is

we need to intercept the Infinity Key.

Okay.

All right, but you don't have any information on them

or nothing like that?

No, I do not.

All right, well, we'll keep searching.

Thank you.

If you hear anything,

call me back at this number right here, okay?

Here's my card.

Okay.

I'm going to give you my card.

My name's on here.

All right?

You see it?

Okay.

Okay, just leave that on your fridge, all right?

All right, see you later, buddy.

Bye.

He's like, okay.

What is the Infinity Key?

What is that in reference to?

There was a Craigslist ad once for someone that had lost their Infinity Key,

a key to their Infinity vehicle.

Oh, I remember that one now.

That's where it is.

And I call it some Illuminati Infinity Key shit.

Yeah, sad part is George isn't too far off about the anal rape thing

because when you first get initiated, they strip you to your underwear.

Oh, that's kind of freaky.

Then they put, like, a noose around your neck.

Oh, wow.

You got to get some nice underwear then, right?

Yeah.

Apparently, they said they've had a few people try and join,

but they weren't wearing underwear for their initiation.

So they had to reschedule several times.

Wow.

That's something they should warn people about, I think.

Going without underwear is kind of risky.

no matter what. You never know.

You never know when you could get in an accident

and have to play your saxophone.

Or you get arrested.

I did that when I was in EMT.

Alright.

Next on the list is another.

A junior warden.

You want to do one?

Next one. I need the list so I can see who I'm talking to.

I give up.

Oh, Carlito, there's a Mayweather fighting, I forget what it is, that one guy a second time in like a week.

Oh, yeah?

I don't know.

I've got to be paying attention.

I don't know if you still watch boxing or not.

Yeah, I still, I just catch the major fights.

I just watch them.

That's all I do anymore.

Madonna.

Madonna, right?

I was about to say Maradona, but I know it's not Maradona.

I said that on the show during the first match.

I was saying Maradona, who's the old soccer player.

That was a really good play last time.

Yeah, it was, actually.

Someone's got to knock that motherfucker out, man.

Yeah, hopefully he gets him this time.

You watch that.

I got it saved still.

I'll send you a link when it's up.

I'll find him when it's up.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Andrew?

Yes, it is.

Hey, sir.

I'm looking for the Infinity Key.

Hello?

hello sir yeah yeah i'm a jesuit priest and i was calling to check

in to see if you guys have the infinity key we received the report that your lodge was

oh yeah see see they know shit he's onto us they found it like in a parking lot

they're gonna use the infinity key to steal the declaration of independence

and they destroy it everyone will be their slave wow magically overnight

h-o-d man here i am they're gonna use it to find the treasure

first of all where's my tape in new york and what do you hope to see while you're here

Well, we've been out to a couple of clubs, you know, rock clubs.

As he's calling Nicolas Cage.

We're not working anyway.

And we hope, we hope to, we're hoping some of our favorite artists will come up.

You know, but they're all out.

Do you want to do one still or are we just going to move on?

Who is your favorite?

Close that list of names.

There's a lot, you know, Marvin Gaye.

I got the Secretary James here.

I just got butt niggas in the black land, God.

What is wrong?

Came through, God, from out of nowhere, God.

What is wrong?

I'm coming to get my coach's cypher, God.

And they just, what is wrong?

Anyway, this is the secretary, James Trevorrow.

Trevorrow.

Good luck.

Hello?

Is this Trevor?

Uh, no.

James?

Uh, James?

This is James Trevorrow, yeah.

Hi, uh, my name is Nathan. How are you doing today?

Um, I'm actually calling.

Uh, I had met with a...

You're the, uh, Freemason, correct?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I actually met with one of your lodge members.

I was at the grocery store today.

Uh, he told me to give you a call so I can ask you some questions.

I was interested in joining your Gentleman's Club.

I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about it.

Three Maces is like an ancient order.

It goes back hundreds of years.

It's not like the Elks or the Eagles or anything like that

or a Moose Club or anything like that.

It's an order of ritual, and it's recommended.

What do you mean by ritual?

That's not like some kind of a cult, is it?

Pardon me?

You said ritual. Is this some kind of occultist thing?

Some kind of a what?

Occult? You know, like summoning demons?

Occult. No, the Freemasons are not occult, no.

Okay.

We have traditional ritual that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years.

So we have vows we take.

It's Bible-based.

We base everything around the Bible.

Oh, nice.

Nice. Okay, one of my buddies, he said he had previously been a Freemason.

He said something about during some kind of ritual, they strip you down to your underwear.

Was he just pulling my leg on that, or is that some kind of truth to that?

Nope, they do.

Oh, they do? They put like a noose around the neck?

They give you something to wear, but yeah, you go through a ritual, and other than your street clothes, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was actually wanting to join because I had been hearing about you a lot.

Can you give me some information on what I would have to do to join?

Well, we need a petition from you.

It would be good to meet you and sit down and talk with you.

I tell you what, I'm in bed right now.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I could meet with you and get you some literature to read.

um is there any kind of requirements i just want to know if i'd be eligible to join

yeah well the petition would would kind of you know spell it out for you a little bit

it costs money um there's annual dues okay i don't need money sorry i say it doesn't matter

to me the money bar i'm rich okay um i'm trying to think uh um maybe we could meet sometime uh

Uh, so I think we'll do it tomorrow.

Okay, and, uh, I'm black.

Well, that, like, y'all aren't, like, a racist lodge or anything.

Y'all don't exclude blacks, do y'all?

No.

Oh, okay.

All right, uh, what time did you want to meet up tomorrow?

Let me, uh, give you a call from work tomorrow,

or, uh, give me a call back, uh, tomorrow during the day sometime.

Okay.

And, uh, maybe after I get off work, I can, I can meet you somewhere.

I'll go by the lodge and pick up some pamphlets for you.

And, uh, what was your name again?

James Trevorrow

James, I'm actually not interested

I'm actually from the Order of the Eagle

and you just gave me a bunch of classified information

we're going to take down the Freemasons now

so thanks a lot

that's lovely, you just go right ahead

we're going to war, motherfucker

we already took down the Stonecutters, motherfucker

you're next, your war lodge is next

we're teamed up with the Sons of Italy

how lovely

who the fuck am I talking to here

all your Italian members

Members, you should watch out for them because a lot of them are our guys.

We're the Order of the Eagle.

The Order of the Eagle, that's good.

And the Sons of Italy, the Italian members are in solidarity.

If you have any Italians, you should probably separate them.

What did y'all do to upset Adolfo?

We'll just take my back of the engine, probably.

We're talking to the Elks, too.

Who am I talking to?

I told you, my name is Nathan. I'm with the Order of the Eagle.

I'm Comandante Seco.

So do y'all really have the Infinity Key because we want to take that?

Seco, S-E-K-O.

Comandante Seco is what they call me.

Nicolas Cage is in the Order of the Eagles.

Who gave you this number?

Nicolas Cage.

Huh?

Not the famous one, but his name is Nicolas Cage, but not the actor.

Yeah, Nicky.

I'm going back to bed now.

It's been swell talking to you.

We're with Anonymous.

You ever heard of Anonymous?

We're with them, yeah, from E-Bombs World is our website.

E-Bombs World?

I forget.

We're also on Meetspin.com.

Yeah.

But I'm just letting you know that the Eagles are going to bring down the Freemasonry and we're teamed up with the Sons of Italy and we're in talks with the Elks.

And whoever the Elks go with, the Moose are probably going to go with also, just to let you know.

Probably.

Yeah.

We rig every Oscar night now, mofo.

Yeah.

Motherfucker.

We're going to use your lodge as our own personal meeting place,

and we're going to take a shit on the floor.

Yeah, and not clean it up.

And we're going to sit in the east.

And we're going to smoke inside.

And I'm going to wear a robe and a wizard hat in the east.

Yeah, and I'm going to put a window.

I'm going to put a few windows in that building.

And I'm going to get trash to join, too.

Some nice big windows so you can see right in, get the sunlight, clarity right in.

And I'm going to summon Satan in the lodge.

Yeah, and I'm going to set all the clocks to the correct time.

So who are y'all putting as president next?

Yeah.

How come you don't have windows in the building?

Why?

What's going on?

What's the big deal?

We're going to bring a Koran into the lodge.

Yep.

Okay.

All right.

Go masturbate and go to sleep, all right?

And mention us in the lodge because we are lodge members now.

Go masturbate in the shower.

Nice hot shower.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, I know.

It feels good right in the shower.

Everything's right there.

Yeah.

I'll bring my fleshlight into the shower.

So are you an entered apprentice or are you a fellow craft?

No.

Why not?

Mm-hmm.

We're demoting you to fellow craft.

Uh-huh.

I'm actually 32nd degree, but thanks, anyhow.

Not anymore.

You're 32nd degree?

Not anymore.

Uh-huh.

Is that in the Scottish Rite?

Uh-huh.

So are you like a Shriner, too?

Can I wear your little hat and drive in your car?

No.

Please.

I promise I won't take too much of a shit in it.

Do your Shriners have camels that you bring out in the parades?

No.

No?

You're a dirty Muslim, aren't you?

you hold on i'll be back my mama's having a heart attack hey i'll talk to you hey um you're not

upset at us are you like you're not gonna get us in trouble huh you're not gonna get us in trouble

with like the uh freemasons and all that right you're you're you're on our you're on our list

right now both of you can you take us off i'm sorry can you please take us off yeah we'll suck

your dick no it's okay you guys do that right you suck dicks and i'm like come on we'll suck your

a dick. After you stripped them down

to their underwear in the initiation, they stuck

your dick to join? Yeah. You said it.

You did. And give the same

of this, but I'll end up ruling

you with a... You see? He's got

a point. Mama, I thought you had a heart attack.

Oh, God. Hey, buddy,

come on. Give us something or we're gonna have to let

you go. In a fine mist that the

naked eye can hardly detect.

And as this mist forms a cloud,

winds carry that cloud

over... Alright, bye, sir.

Bye, Mr. Mason. We'll see you

you in the east bye because next year going back to north he's gone up in the east man he stayed

on for a good while so you're gonna make you're gonna talk shit about the freemasons but you want

to join i'm so worried about yeah well they're not in the same state as me anyway no i'm just

saying oh so you guys oh god what do you what can you do like if you're in another state on a trip

you can go to their lodge and hang out is if you're a master mason you can go to any lodge

you want do whatever you want you take a shit yeah they probably wouldn't enjoy that but yeah

you probably could well like in the bathroom is there a bathroom it's gotta be a bathroom

yeah it depends on the lodge but normally they will and women aren't allowed inside the building

even right uh it depends on the lodge some of them are starting to allow women in that order

how could they do that put them in a gentleman's club there's nothing wrong with hanging out with

And that's just great.

All right, here's an 11-week-old tan pit bull puppy.

For sale.

All right.

That sounds like a piece of shit, huh?

right now called chess boxing a game of chess yeah it looks like a piece of shit

and all faded you must think first before you move in a 90s car

that was another one all right dodge ram

coded wheels i don't know what the power to code is about or what it does

Is that like a donut? Is that like a powdered donut?

I don't know.

German Shepherd Puppies.

Message to Smokey.

Nova, I put you guys on mute because you got a really bad echo.

You ain't Smokey, it's your motherfucking message.

Motherfucker!

Sir.

You have tickets, Rhode Island and Chicago transportation?

Yes, sir, I do.

Okay, and how will it work?

How will it work?

Well, he's claiming I'm leaving this coming morning.

I'm going to leave at 3.30 or so.

Yeah.

And then drive from Rhode Island to Chicago.

So how many people?

Just me.

Okay.

Can I bring my dog or no dog?

What kind of a dog is he?

He's small.

He's a German Shepherd, but he's very smart.

He's trained.

He has big sexual organs.

Well, what does that have to do with the drive?

because when he sits down

they sit

I don't know if you get upset

I can make sure he sits on the floor

so his sexual organs don't touch your

like your seats

he'll be on the back

that's fine

he has

this big sexual organ

you know and it really

leaves imprints sometimes on leather

and stuff

is that really necessary for us to talk about

he's a dog does that matter

Okay, that's...

You know, if he's a male, he has organs, you know?

So, but I'm leaving first thing in the morning.

Where are you coming from?

Well, I can get a ride to wherever, you know, within Rhode Island.

I got that already worked out with my ex-wife.

I'll be in West Philly at 4 a.m.

You want to meet at the Taco Bell?

I said I'll be in West Philly at 4 a.m.

Okay, all right.

Well, is there, like, a Taco Bell there we can meet at, or...?

No, there is no Taco Bell, sir. It's Wesley. Where are you coming from?

Oh, wow. Okay. All right. No, I'm not from here. I'm from Bangor, Maine, actually, originally, but I ended up in Rhode Island. I had to hitchhike down here, and I have a friend that lives down here, but his wife is like, I can't stay because of my dog and the sexual organs.

Yeah, I'm not sure of the organs. Forget the organs. All right, sir. I'm in the middle of trying to get some sleep.

So she made she mean can you believe she made that complain about it? No, that's a good night

Hey, wait, don't come on. I need a ride

Flying around Iron Man's that's not a target

yeah hello you there hello you lost a drone oh you lost a drone machine yes i did yeah i think

i recovered it motherfucker excuse me i've got signs yeah you picked it up where yeah uh i saw

this thing flying around i said we started throwing rocks at it oh cool yeah um you were in

in isle valley yep cool yeah but we we have it here so what information is on it we're gonna

um check out the sd card on this thing well there's a you're not gonna erase it are you

no well we're gonna keep it we're gonna keep the sd card yeah you came on our property and we're

gonna back engineer we're gonna see what uh we're gonna check out the technology we're gonna copy it

we're gonna see how it works and we're gonna save all the contents of the sd card yep we're

We're going to save them.

Well, what about the drone?

Well, the drone we're going to put on display.

We're going to put it on our television station on our news spot.

We're going to show it off as captured drones.

Well, then why did you call to tell me, man?

Well, we don't appreciate you people flying drones on our property, so we shot it.

Well, where is your property exactly?

We're in Horse Machine Ranch Road, and we protect this area.

Well, I launched it at the Japanese Garden.

I was just going to take it up about 100 feet, turn it around, and bring it down, and it just took off on me.

Yeah, well, it showed up over our property.

It was hovering over the guests here.

This is a nudist property, militant nudist property.

Well, I'm a nudist myself.

Yeah, well, it showed up, and it was taking video and pictures of them, and we called it Alert 5.

No, there's...

We called Alert 5, and we shot it.

We shot it down.

You didn't shoot it down.

It crashed.

Well, we destroyed it.

I don't think you have the...

We took it out.

Well, if you looked at the video on there, you're going to see aerial footage of key hay.

That's all you're going to see.

All right.

Well, we'll see.

Our analysts are going to decrypt it and find out.

Well, there's nothing to decrypt.

I mean, you're going to put the SD card in.

You're going to download it.

You're going to see it's all fairly innocuous.

You'll see some...

How convenient that you people would tell us exactly how to get all your information and your lies off of this thing.

Listen, we know you guys have been trying to infiltrate our establishment here, and you've been sending drones over this property regularly.

No, no, dude.

Yes, you have.

Dude.

Yes, you have.

Dude, I was in Maui.

I was in Maui.

We caught a stray cat on the property the other day, and after we caught it and killed it and we opened its body, it had a camera inside of it.

I think, dude, I think that you're a little bit deranged here, friend.

I think that you got the wrong guy.

Well, I'm just going to let you know.

Do whatever you got to do.

I'm just going to let you know.

I don't know why you called me.

We are going to parade this drone on our magazine and our television station and show the world.

Where's your cell station?

I want to look at this.

It's a private...

I want to be able to look.

It's a pirate television.

It doesn't reach your area.

It's a pirate...

And where are you at?

Where are you at?

We're at the Horse Machine Ranch.

In where?

Off of Horse Machine Ranch Road in the valley.

Come on, man.

You can do it in the online broadcast link.

No, are you talking about in California?

No.

Yes, in Iowa Valley.

Yes, Iowa Valley.

That's not in California, friend.

Where are you at?

Iowa Valley is in...

is in you got the wrong guy's drone you're in hawaii i posted that in hawaii yeah yeah that's

where we're in io valley hawaii at on off a horse machine ranch road huh well i'll tell you listen

we have a nudist colony here and we protect that we've been getting raids and attacks from the

outside groups i'm gonna have to look it up on google maps but i launched it you know where the

japanese garden is yeah okay and it went yeah our people followed our people followed you there and

and took pictures and video of you setting up the drone and launching it

and using your device to control it,

and then acting like it just got away from you?

No, no.

I think I hit the wrong guy.

Our people have all the pictures of you at the Japanese garden, sir.

Okay, well, that's fine.

Yeah, but...

That's fine.

We're going to...

You're going to see that there's...

We're going to use this...

You're going to see it's absolutely innocuous.

We're going to use this technology.

Do whatever you want to do, friend.

We're going to use this technology ourselves.

We're going to learn everything that's in this technology,

that you, evil technology that you created

and use it against your people now.

We're going to fly our own drones over your property

to watch you

masturbating.

Oh, well,

I think you're a little bit,

Your drone was

trying to capture our people masturbating

outside.

My drone was

trying to catch aeroport.

You know what, man? Do whatever you gotta do.

Don't call me again.

Go fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself, motherfucker.

Son of a bitch.

There it is.

That was a good one.

I like that premise.

Wow.

Oh, the Iranian thing.

Peck and J.

Newt are on the show.

I'm a different spirit.

All right.

Who's next?

I posted another Missing Turtle one.

I'll get to it.

We'll go down the list.

I think the bed with the next one from the full-size.

Full-size bed.

Full-size bed in Hawaii.

You want to do it there, Mr. Nova?

Sure.

Give me a break.

Thank you.

No problem.

All right, how about a Ford?

Hello?

Oh, hello?

Hello?

Can I speak with Paul, please?

He's driving right now.

So are you calling in on the Craigslist?

Yeah, the bed.

The bed, which one?

The full-sized.

The full-sized we still have.

Let me call you back because we're not at the house right now.

We already left this.

Well, can I just rent the bed for like an hour?

It was from a rent-a-center.

So can I rent it from you?

I just want it for an hour.

I'll pay you $100.

Yeah, we don't have no beds for rent.

Please, I'll give you $100.

$100.

I'll try to call her back later.

Remind me of that one.

All right.

Ford Bronco.

She answered right at the last second there.

I don't know how to open a tape like this, but I'm just going to wait and see.

Hello.

Hey.

Hi, how you doing?

Hey, brother man, how you doing, sexy?

Lexi, I see you have a Ford Bronco 1996 for sale, $4,500 firm.

Yep.

Yeah, that's the price in which I got to sell it at to my father-in-law,

and I guess he did some work to it before he got it,

and then he ended up giving it to me.

He left a few months ago.

Yeah, is that your bullshit line?

All right.

Hell yeah.

Did he have a lot of sex in the car in the back of the Bronco?

Can you put a mattress down there and fuck?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can do that.

Like a what size mattress?

I've actually done that quite a bit.

What size mattress?

Say again?

What size mattress?

unfortunately full

uh that's fine we actually made our first one in there that's fine hey well actually we're we're

about to call someone back on a full-size bed so that'd be perfect that works okay all right

Right, so I can just sit there and masturbate while my friend drives around.

I can just...

No, no, that one you don't want to do because if you hit...

Now, the shocks in the Bronco might actually add, and you don't want to climax too early.

Otherwise, it kills the entire thing, and candles can't stay lit, you know, I don't know.

But if you do, like, you know how you choke yourself, you can get really into it, sir.

And honestly, you know, if you really go at it, I think the best thing is to pick up some Aiden hookers, you know.

They don't cost too much because, you know, where they're from, a dollar is like 1,000 yen.

Uh-huh.

But, you know, I just want to help you with your avenues.

All right.

And you're a Howley?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I don't have anything else.

You guys have anything for him?

No?

Oh, I do.

Why did you all post a picture of the license plate in the picture?

Well, you know, I live by a saying, Honey Badger D-Gas.

Oh, yeah.

Is that white car in the picture for sale?

Uh, I'm sure if you bought it at the right price. Unfortunately, I think you're talking about the Jeep Compass.

Yeah, can you give me their number, please? I'm looking for a white car.

Why would I give you their number?

White is the superior color of all cars.

You're looking for a white car?

Yeah. They may not run as fast as the black cars, but just for me, I like the white cars.

You know, sir, that could be considered extremely, extremely racist.

How so? I don't see it.

You don't see it?

No.

Well, of course you don't. It's black.

No, that's racist.

I'm sorry.

Hold on, I made my pizza. I'm going to let my brother on. Hold on. I got to eat this pizza.

Your Bronco is a piece of shit.

That's cool, man.

I want pizza.

Tostinos.

Just add cheddar cheese to it, put it in the oven. It's perfect.

Hey, do you want some of my pizza?

No, I'm good.

I'll suck your dick.

I mean, you sound pretty like it, but I'm sorry about that, man.

Come on, man. What's a little love between brothers?

The three of us were brothers. We'll suck your dick if you give us a discount.

count. Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that your Ford Bronco is 1996. That means it's

underage. I'm sorry. No, it's not underage. Yeah, it is. It's under 18. Is that the legal

limit here? Yeah. No, that's why this place sucks. Well, where I'm from, the legal limit

is 16. Oh, the legal limit is 16. Consent. We're good. We're good. I'd have to come

come pick up the car.

Uh-huh.

So, if I piss in the gas tank,

will it become Optimus Prime?

Might.

I have the superior seed.

I tried that one time

on a 1976 Volvo GLE,

but it became the leader

of the Decepticons.

Oh, man.

Now we need to summon

Optimus Prime

so we can have

the Decepticons fall.

You know what sucks is

1978 was such a bad year

in the car-making industry.

It really wouldn't matter

if you used a car from that

and it became Decepticons Prime

or not.

It's still a piece of shit.

You have a point.

Can you tell me a little bit if the flux capacitor is in good running order?

You just said it all yourself.

It's in good running order.

No, is it?

You're saying my car's not in good running order?

Can your piece of shit Ford Bronco even reach 88 miles per hour, noob?

It'll probably run the other guy on the end of the cell phone over.

Oh, cool.

Hey, I'm just going to be honest with you.

You're on a radio show.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

So, yeah, you've been meat-spinned.

Yeah, I'm meat-spinned.

Hey, man, that was awesome.

Have a great day.

All right.

You want to go to our website so you can

move to spin.com. Consent.

We're going to send you $100.

Or you can have us, you can

fill out the form to have us delete the

prank call we did to you

if you go to the website. Yeah, and we'll

send you a gift card too.

But no more than $100 on the gift card.

Yeah. We'll get rich over here.

Oh, dude. I'm all good, man.

If you let us use...

Shut up.

Shut up. If you let us use our call to you,

You get a $100 Walmart or gas gift card, and then we put the prank call on our website.

If you ask for us not to put it on, we just delete it, and that's it.

All right.

Put it on.

You have verbal consent.

You just have to.

If you're recording this, you'll be fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have to do it through the form.

You just have to go to the website.

It's much quicker.

Because if not, we have to take all this time and get lawyers involved, and then we can't.

Please.

It was a good call.

You did so good.

So you should go on the website as me

I can't

And do whatever tiny clicky thing you gotta do

Cause you got my license plate number

No, just go to the website, please

Please

Hey, the license plate in the picture has a rainbow

Does that mean you're a faggot?

You're a gay faggot

It's actually the place it's from is faggoty

Yeah, but you're the one driving the fag car

That makes you a faggot

Is there a unicorn in the front lawn?

Well, yeah, that's fine, but...

Is your name Mercedes because you sound pretty girly to be driving a fag car with rainbows?

Yeah, I got nothing for that.

You just stretched it too far, man.

It's cool, though.

All right.

I'll stretch your anus out far.

I'm pretty sure you couldn't, but in case you try, just...

I can.

Too late.

I can try.

It's already been gaped.

I mean, this place got more t-girls than fucking Uganda.

Da-da-da.

up. Okay, I'm gonna hang out.

Bye. Motherfucker.

Well, he did it anyway.

Sort of got you did it anyway.

Hey, here's all of our list of numbers.

You're a beast. This is Stalin without

the charms' number. Hello?

Hello? That was that guy again. That was a

mistake on my part. Hang on. This is Stalin's number.

No.

Damn it.

Give me a second, please.

it's for you and no one else it's too so personal but yeah it's just for everybody

beetle mania is in fact a temporary state of mind which can only be accurately described by the one

who's under its influence there are many reasons for beetle mania beetle mania but what is beetle

mania beetle mania is a reality take one all right i'm back it's ridiculous and i just couldn't

help it and I just started going crazy and I'm sorry I just wanted to look up

banana baby food all right back to your numbers here moving down the list we

just hit a Ford Bronco I believe so here's an Isuzu pickup

nobody was doing it I just put that motherfucker with it man that

And that motherfucker turns out high as a motherfucking whale in his shoes.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm sorry, you have an Isuzu pickup truck?

Yes.

Yeah?

That's good.

And it's in good working?

Yes, it's in good working condition.

Oh, are you by it right now?

I'm close to it.

It's right in front of my barracks right now.

Can you honk the horn in it, please?

I need to hear it.

Where are you at?

Well, I'm listening on the phone.

Yeah, I just want to hear the horn to make sure.

Oh, it works.

I'm on base.

Everything has to work.

Honk a horn.

Honk the horn.

All right.

Right now.

Come on.

Go honk the horn, motherfucker.

He's on base.

Oh.

Wow.

I'm on base.

We're dealing with a badass there.

He's on base.

But he's with the Air Force.

He sounds like a mega Air Force nerd Asian kid.

He probably lives next door to the Air Force.

Leave your message for...

For Private Ching Chong.

On the Civic 97.

This is what I'm talking about.

My kind of car, motherfucker.

Play this one here, Jeremiah.

iron man armor-clad superhero of the free world may be doomed to die yes the life of america's

most dramatic avenger may well hinge upon a delicate sub-miniature component containing

the strange secret which keeps his injured heart beating and enables him to live as tony stark one

of the nation's leading hello hello i can't hear you motherfucker hello hello is this yeah i can't

hear you motherfucker you hear me who are you talking motherfucker do i know you oh yeah yeah

Yeah, I see you have a 97 Honda Civic for sale.

Yeah, but you call people motherfuckers like that?

Oh, look, you couldn't hear me.

I was trying to talk to you, and I didn't hear you,

and I was thinking, you know, maybe, I'm sorry, you know?

All right.

All right, I'm sorry, goddammit.

I just talk like that sometimes.

My fault.

My fucking bad, you know?

Okay.

I don't mean nothing about it, all right?

I'm here on the base.

Are you on the base?

I'm not on the base.

The car's in Guadalupe.

You're in Calahula?

Guadalupe North Shore.

Okay.

Yeah, I can get there.

Can I drive it?

Are you in it now?

Are you driving it?

No, I cannot show the car right now because I'm at work right now.

Motherfucker.

Only tomorrow.

Come on, motherfucker.

Hey, dude, I got no time for that.

Have a nice day.

I'll suck your dick.

Come on.

Oh, man.

He's selling it for only $2,000.

He must be fucked up.

Well, it's a 97.

I'd buy that for $2,000.

GaryBrodsky.com

I hope to keep my Honda Civic.

It's paid off.

It's a 99...

No.

It's a 2008, I think.

2009.

It's a 2009 Civic.

Nice.

You have reached the voicemail box of 80...

My previous car before that was a 99 Honda Accord that I paid off.

I bought it new and paid it off.

That was my second car I ever had.

It was a 99 Honda Accord.

Yeah.

It was a good car.

The engine blew out two months after I got it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So I bought the new engine, and then I just gave it to my sister.

I love that car.

I drove it for just about 10 years.

The only reason I had to stop driving it was because someone hit me.

I got into an accident.

It wasn't my fault.

It sounds like my first car I had was a Volvo.

86 Volvo.

My first car was a piece of shit.

It was an 88 Ford Escort.

Sometimes they say I have an 88-port escort on my prank calls.

That's where that comes from.

My first fucking call.

All right, so moving right along.

Reward for a lost German Shepherd.

All right.

You want that Nova, or I can do it?

Got it.

I'll get it.

It'll be a short one, though.

All right, good.

I'm going to have a good time with G.O.

Fuck with ghosts, I feel sorry.

Understand what I'm saying?

Our call has been forwarded to an automated...

Ball.

Missing Tortoise, catching up.

All right, I want that one.

You want that one?

Yeah.

There you go.

Who knew it was a thing?

Losing Tortoise.

I never heard of this.

Start fights again for survival.

All right, I'm going to bounce it and see if I can get him again.

Present, McCartney and the Beatles are being read about and studied.

Who realizes this and answer why?

One critic tried their success by saying,

they have a sound which is today's version of the eternal cry of youth.

Oh, no torts.

Instead, here's a single-size mattress.

Oh, yeah, we got a call about that full-size bed.

Is that the one?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's full-size.

I don't think that's the same number.

That's a different one.

Yeah, this is a different one, but I've got to go scroll back up and find that one.

It's a full-size bed, $80.

Yeah.

$84.

Hello?

I'm calling about the mattress.

The bed?

Yeah, yeah, it's still available.

Excuse me?

What?

I still have it, but yes.

You still have it?

All right.

How much is it extra to deliver?

You said $25, I think it was.

Where do you live?

What's that?

Where do you live?

I live in Honolulu.

Yeah, $20.

$20?

All right.

When do you want to deliver it?

I'm good for any time.

Tonight.

All right.

Sure.

All right.

Can you please deliver that?

So it's going to be $100, and you said an extra $25 for delivery?

Yeah.

Okay.

Give me the address.

How fast can you be here?

I mean I can meet you at a gas station or something. You can offload it into my truck

Do you know where the Chevron is?

Well, you know where the Chevron is off of school

Yeah

Yeah, I can be together all right

Help asking you be there, please because I kind of need it now

Now I broke mine, and I have a lady friend coming over in about two hours.

So, yeah, I'm going to need that ASAP.

So you're going to need it now or when?

Yeah, now.

Okay, almost again. Almost again, okay?

Okay.

The baby's crying because you're taking too long.

Okay, like now it's 5.30 and 6.30, is that okay?

Yeah, sure. I'll meet you there.

Okay, I'll meet you there by 7.00.

All right, thank you.

Okay, see you.

All right, bye.

Okay, when? When did he say to call back?

Okay.

All right, we're calling back the other one.

All right, I'm going on mute.

Oh, okay.

Bye, baby.

Hello?

Hi, yeah, you said the call back about the full-size mattress.

Yeah, I haven't gotten over to the other house yet.

I'm still on the road.

But you said the call back now.

Yeah, but then I'm still in the car.

Oh, how long will it be?

It's going to take me another hour until I get back to the other house.

Fucking shit, so I've got to wait a whole hour?

Yeah, I humbly apologize.

That's the best I can do today.

All right?

Oh, oh.

So I call you back whenever I can.

Oh, yeah.

Idiot.

What's up?

What's up in the damn thing, man?

Turn it off.

I think he's a crack caller.

Then he moans in there.

I love my damn phone.

I'm a weirdo.

You love my minute.

What?

Oh, man.

You are weirdos for trying to buy a mattress.

Yeah, the guy in the TV.

I want to talk to that guy.

I only walked in on that part, so I don't know what you said.

All right, all right.

Let's not waste his minutes, like you said.

What's the moment?

Oh, wow.

You found a whole bunch of drones for sale, huh?

All right, cool.

Yeah.

The ones at the bottom were requested by XYZ.

Anyone know what the L and what an LA tracks alias is?

Let me look at the page.

You're kind of choppy choppy.

What happened?

It's one of those quadcopters.

Oh, okay.

It looks badass.

It's green and black.

It's got LED lights.

It looks kind of cool

Alright, and it's the last

We can do the same premise here

How much longer are you going to be on?

I don't know, as long as I still have energy

I'm going to keep going

Dwight wants to join us

Add to group call

Hey Ken

I hate you

Hey man

Hey, it's Gary Brodsky's voice

Best friend

Y'all need to have a UFC fight.

Like, um...

Bang, it's Batman.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Listen, um...

I found this drone on my property.

Yeah.

You had a...

Oh, you bought it?

green a green drone was flying over my property motherfucker yeah yeah and i started throwing

stuff at it and i knocked it down and it landed and we threw a few more things at it as it was

hello hello i don't want to talk to my echo i don't want to talk to my echo

what you gave me an echo i don't want you gave me an echo i don't want that hello fix the phone

It's the phone.

How do you get it off the speaker?

Take it off speaker, stupid.

Hello?

Are you Jason David Frank?

Yeah, listen.

Listen, we brought your drone down over our property.

We're keeping it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we just want to let you know we're going to go into the SD card,

and we're going to take everything that you have on it,

and we're going to make a copy.

And we're going to back-engineer this drone technology that you're using,

and we're going to learn about it and make our own.

What would be the purpose of that?

Because you came on our property.

You came on our sovereign property.

No, we didn't come on your property.

If we came on your property, we would have been able to get it,

but we didn't come on your property.

That's why we put the file so if anybody did find it, they would call us.

The drone was over my property and I shot it down.

oh he said he shot um kate drone down because it went on his property i i don't know i brought it

down we brought it down with our countermeasures he said they brought it down with their

countermeasures countermeasures countermeasures okay yeah countermeasures yeah yeah he said they

brought it down and they're gonna like try to build their own or whatever yeah we're gonna

going to copy everything on the sd card all the pictures you were taking of us oh he thinks we

were they were taking pictures we were taking pictures of them yeah he said he's going to copy

everything down and i don't know yeah i don't know yeah we're going to back engineer this

technology and keep it for ourselves oh they're going to back something the technology said and

and keep it for themselves.

So, I mean, they'd rather hurt a 13-year-old boy

and go to jail rather than just give up.

What do you mean, give up?

Okay, are you guys, like, serious?

I mean, are you serious?

You'd rather just take this 13-year-old boy's drone?

It was, like, completely harmless, what he was doing.

I mean, he was flying it.

Yeah, you can look at the pictures.

It doesn't matter.

There's nothing on there that...

No, yeah, I know, but we're just letting you know

we brought it down.

You were flying it over our territory,

and we brought it down.

And that's the risk that happens when you fly unmanned aerial vehicles over this sovereign territory here.

Sovereign territory?

Yeah.

Poitiki Beach is a sovereign territory?

No, it came on our property here at Horse Machine Ranch.

On Horse Machine Ranch?

Hello?

Yeah, this drone came over our property at Horse Machine Ranch.

We sounded the alert, we scrambled fighters, and we brought it down.

Hey, check this out.

Where is Horace Machine Ranch?

It's a new sub-development in Waialihu.

Where at?

I'm new here.

Waialihu?

Yeah.

Who's Marco?

No.

You know Marco?

No.

From Chile?

No.

Okay, you know what, but you must be all scrambled,

but all we're doing is looking for our drone that must not be flying.

And there was a word...

Is there someone that speaks English?

I'll have to meet you in person.

Huh?

You can send a representative here,

here and we'll meet you

in the meeting room. Yeah, we want to have

a serious discussion with you people about

flying drones into our territory.

Hello? You're breaking up.

Your phone is a shit. Hello?

Hello? Thanks for calling,

but thanks for

meeting you. Fuck you. You're breaking up.

Yeah, thanks for calling. Whatever.

Damn, I think I lost the echo. Fuck. Good, good.

Did ADF ever respond to that

fight call you made?

What was the fight call?

What happened? Oh, I got

through to his hotel room like three times

in two days.

I think it was last week or so.

And it was

just the voicemail, but I was doing the Yuri

voice, and I was challenging him to a fight.

I'm like, I'm the most complete

fighter in the world, and all this shit.

I don't know how I was going to fuck him up.

That's awesome. Cocky Ukrainian.

I got this

fucking clip from Gary's show.

It stunned me for a second.

He was asking his co-host. He's like,

like hey crazy lady you still with us she's like yeah and he's where's carlito and i was like wait

wait a minute what he's a different guy but i was like yeah that's going in there

that's awesome i can't believe how many calls there were i went through like

two or two and a half months of his show yesterday cutting out calls

now i've got 55 minutes worth of calls wow

and uh what's that it's really been that long i yeah it's been about two and a half months since

i started fucking with him but yeah 55 minutes worth of calls just all calls no filler shit in

between i was telling people yesterday when i was listening cutting the calls i'm like

oh i got a headache from listening to gary so fucking much oh my god it's like probably

drilling a hole in your head i was like sitting there i'm like oh i'm starting to think he's

fucking on to something maybe you better stop listening probably driving you nuts

how many times you said alpha now i don't know we're gonna do that drinking game that's a

drinking game i invented when we call gary every time he plugs his website garybronski.com it's

it's a drink. And every time

he says alpha, it's a drink.

And within five minutes, we're all going to be fucked up.

Yeah, pretty quickly.

The fucking show ends right there. Everybody in the chat

is like, okay, fall's over.

Alright, I'm doing the next number here.

I forget what it is.

1974.

A lost dog.

It's the Bronco parts.

The Bronco parts didn't answer.

And then the one after didn't, but here's a lost dog.

Ken, do you want this?

Because I offered you one.

Yeah, I'll take the dog.

Koloa Farms.

I don't know what this dog's doing or any of the details.

It's getting initiated as a Freemason.

Put it in its underwear.

I'm going to do puppies instead.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message.

I can never hack those things.

Trying to put me to work.

They want me to compile a round record.

You doing BTR shit tonight?

I may do it tomorrow.

Just two nights in a row.

I can't pass up fucking with Gary on Wednesday.

It'll really depend if show or a BTR show if Dash is around.

you have reached the voicemail box of oh hey ken uh send me a message later i want to send you a

webcam where you can see people trending dogs and i'll give you the phone number for them

okay i figured you might enjoy that all right here's baby turtles

donut turtles you sound better from your cold mr dwayne how are you

congratulations uh yeah it's only taken almost two damn weeks all right a little stuff a lot

lot of people were saying my voice sounded better when i had a cold fuck you like dude you sounded

fucking awesome like you sounded alpha and i'm like yeah eat my ass alpha my ass if being alpha

means being like gary you can fucking keep it all right all right so this one is from cactus

for a lost dog in orlando and my number comes up as a local number right now so do you have

We have the Craigslist ad, so we can look.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got it.

Not that, not that, not that.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

You lost your dog there.

Did I lose the dog?

Yeah, you lost the dog, right?

I saw the ad on the Craigslist.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but we found her.

No, no, I think I found that dog.

I think you had my dog, and I think we got them mixed up.

Nope, nope.

Because I got the dog over here.

It has some tag with a phone number here to call you.

Yeah, my student had a tag with a number.

Well, I don't know. It sure is looking like your fucking dog, lady.

Well, not my fucking dog, guys.

Hey, hey, don't be swearing, lady. Come on. Let's have a civil conversation here.

No civility. I'll call her back. Let's see.

Don't you hate it when they find their fucking dog?

How you doing? Is this Jerry?

You have dog?

What's that?

You had a lost dog?

Oh, yeah.

Did you find it?

No, we didn't.

Oh, why not? Why didn't you find it yet?

I don't know why you didn't find it.

Like, if you loved it, you would have found it by now, maybe, you think?

It's not all our neighbors.

Oh, so your neighbor doesn't love it that much even.

What are you talking about?

Why doesn't your neighbor look for the dog?

What happened?

What are you calling at midnight for?

But you posted it.

Well, I'm like, I just, I'm concerned about the dog being out there lost and your people

are ignorant and it's your fault.

Fuck you, asshole.

Who the fuck in the hell are you?

Is it your fault that he got logs?

I bet he was fucking that dog on the rig and do fucking dog.

I was like, I've had enough, and ran away.

You can tell by the look on the dog's face that's what happened, Dwight.

Don't be like that motherfucker, all right?

I'm just trying to find a motherfucking dog.

Fuck you, asshole.

They posted a $1,000 reward now.

Don't tell me they didn't love their dog.

No, throw money at your problems.

Throw money at your problems.

He's lying.

That adds to his $500.

Hey, can I ask him a question?

You want to ask me a question?

I want to ask him a question.

Oh, okay.

Let's see if he picks up.

But sure, bro.

If you are in the unauthorized movie, you'll see it by the bell.

Nah.

Yeah, I want to watch that and see if there's a lot of fucking going on.

Hey, this is John.

Your name and number?

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Yeah, of course you don't want to talk to Dwight, you son of a bitch.

Please record your message.

When you finish...

He don't want to talk to you.

Sorry.

Sorry, buddy.

Ah, fuck.

All right, let's see who's next.

next dji phantom drone for sale we got a drone guys yeah already shut down two of them over our

nudist colony okay instead we'll move on and call here's a different drone that's been balanced and

has upgrades i've already played this song have a drone oh yeah um how much weight can i put on

Um, drone, I want to, you think I can get it to pick up a bowling ball?

Like a, like a eight pound bowling ball?

Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen, man.

What's the heaviest weight it can pick up, you think, that I can attach to it?

You can look it up.

Uh, you can look up, uh, it's the AR Drone 2.0.

It says eight pounds.

Pardon me?

I looked it up already.

It says eight pounds.

Oh, well, if that's what it says, I highly doubt it, but I don't think it does.

All right, don't be ignorant about it.

It's just what it says.

You said you have all the upgrades, right?

oh don't call him ignorant i'm gonna pick it should ask him if he could uh you could outfit

an airsoft gun on it so he could shoot the nudist colony yeah you imagine flying bowling ball being

dropped that's bullshit because i saw one uh and it was one of the cheaper ones yeah i you could

pick up 32 pounds worth of camera equipment on it yeah those things are fucking haul ass man they

go super high super far and shit i told my uncle because he bought one and i was like yeah they

They got this one that has, you know, eight fucking rotors.

And he's like, oh, you don't need eight.

That's overkill, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, he found out the hard way because he was flying his

and one of the fucking engines failed.

So, come crash in the fucking earth.

And that's specifically what the eight helicopter thing said was.

Redundancy, yeah.

If an engine fails, we'll be all right.

After the show, I'm going to have to get one.

Then I'm going to attack a sovereign nation with it.

Yeah, they just fly it over.

Fly it over someone's house.

They just leave it hovering in their, like, through their window, like.

Oh, shit.

Just bang on their window with it.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

Just keep crashing it in the window.

Get one.

Yeah.

They're still kind of expensive.

If I had a house, I'd get one.

When I get a house, I'll get one.

It sucks when you have an apartment with that shit.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to get one of those to take it on some car repos.

It's easy to see if the people are nearby so I can avoid them.

Oh, man.

There should be a car repo video game with shit like that in it.

I play it.

It's called Grand Theft Auto.

Yeah, okay.

There you go.

They got repo missions, I guess.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, there are.

Can't wait for that GTA 5 PC.

When the cops repo your shit or take your car, you got to go steal it from their impound lot.

That's almost the same thing.

Is GTA 5 PC going to come out?

Because I kept hearing it is, it is, and it is.

It is.

It's confirmed.

They haven't released the release date yet.

Okay.

Everyone thinks it's getting pushed to 2015.

I got Call of Duty Ghost yesterday because it went on 50% off, I think.

I usually wait six months for Call of Duty.

Like, I wait six months and get it cheaper than when it first comes out.

I just always, and I always, I don't like multiplayer,

but I always, for some reason, I like playing as a single player.

It's just fun.

The campaign.

I hated Call of Duty after World at War.

Uh, really?

Yeah.

Eh.

Gary Brodsky in the chatroom says to get one of those quadcopters, put a speaker on it, and scream, let me in, I'm cold.

Man, it's going to get cold soon.

That sucks.

Office assistant full time.

This is a job.

Let me see it.

Let's code for prostitute.

Oh, yeah.

Duties include assist accountants.

Yeah.

Yeah, data entry, yeah.

That means, you know, entry.

You still want more numbers, or do you want me to wait?

Uh, standby. Not yet.

I'm still behind. I'm catching up.

I always say that.

I lose.

I'm playing Darts of Friends or something,

and they beat me. I'm like, oh, you're cheating.

Well, it's like, uh, Arby,

when he was arguing with someone on a prank the other day,

and they're sitting there talking shit,

and he's like, oh, yeah, well, that's your opinion.

I fucking crack up at that all the time.

I'm like, that's a good response.

If anyone wants to add me on PSN, I'm Hero to Millions.

Millions?

I hear people talking about PSN.

PSN.

PlayStation Network.

Ah, you're Hero to Millions on PSN?

Hang on, I'm Carlitos-X.

X-Y-Z-1-X.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we already linked up.

But I haven't been logged in in so long.

I don't even know if my PS3, it's plugged in in front of me.

Yeah, PS4.

I don't even turn it on.

PS4 came out and I was like, eh.

I have a PS4.

It's pretty nice.

Yeah.

It lets you stream Twitch with one button press.

If I was a good gamer, I would do Twitch shows.

That'd be cool.

I suck at gaming.

I was doing Twitch broadcasts as a pre-show to this one.

Yeah.

I like games.

I play them, but I'm never any good.

And I can't do multiplayer for shit.

They were getting DDoS pretty hard.

Yeah, I heard they were.

Yeah, people had to hack PSN or Blizzard Squad or some shit.

How you doing?

I was calling.

Something about you lost a quadcopter drone or something there.

Yeah.

Why, you seen it?

I think I found it.

For real?

Yeah.

Okay.

The four motors.

Yeah.

Where do you live?

I got it.

It's got like two red arms and two white arms.

It looks really nice, actually, to tell you the truth.

There's not a whole lot of damage to it.

I think a couple of the propellers are a little bent, but that's about it.

Where'd you find it?

uh do you know over where uh you know where over where the uh oh geez where did i find it

oh gee you know where the mcdonald's is over there by the mall mcdonald's yeah i don't know

if it landed there or somebody had like grabbed it and just left it over there or what they did

with it because i'm up on sunset i mean i don't think it could have ended over to mcdonald's but

anyway well i i'm assuming that somebody probably uh found it and like put it in their car and like

Like, went over there and was showing it to someone and forgot it over in the parking lot.

Yeah, maybe.

Could I come get it for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can come get it.

That ain't no problem.

But I just want to let you know it's going to be, like, missing one engine.

Okay.

I mean, I'll take whatever I can get.

Well, it didn't happen in the crash.

I took the engine.

Yeah?

Okay.

I needed some spare parts for a project I was doing at the house.

Okay.

So I'm just going to keep the one engine.

Okay.

So, okay, like, so what, you said there was a big reward.

What is this big reward?

I got the engine.

What else am I getting?

Well, what are you looking for?

I don't know.

You said big reward.

I didn't know.

I didn't know what you had in mind there.

Um, I don't know.

Are you even serious about this thing?

Because it's sounding a little strange.

No, I mean, it's strange.

Let me tell you, all right.

I don't think anybody would have picked it up and left it over by McDonald's.

I don't know either.

That's why I picked it up.

It looked like an expensive piece of equipment.

I figured I could make a dollar or two off of it.

Uh-huh.

And you need a little electric motor?

Well, yeah, I got to have one motor because my wife, she's a bitch.

She runs the place over here.

She tells me what to do.

And, like, you know, she's yelling at me, oh, you better get big reward for this, big reward.

And, you know, she won't let me get no sleep until I call you.

Well, what are you doing with the motor?

I'm curious because you said you have a house project, but it's a little tiny motor.

She had one of her sexual devices go bad on her.

so she wants me to try to use one of the engines

to repair the vibrator that she's been using

she said something about sentimental value

that's a family heirloom

I mean that kind of makes sense

it might be a little too strong for her though

I don't know she's a big bitch

she's from Germany

that's why she thinks she can dominate me

she's a big German bitch

wow this is good I'm glad you called

I'm glad I called too

what type of reward are we looking for

you know personally I would just give it to you

Yeah, but she's a fucking bitch beyond belief, and she's demanding that I get some kind of reward out of it.

You know, it's either I get the reward or she's going to smack the fuck out of me, and so I would rather just get the reward.

Yeah, no, it sounds like a disaster.

It's crazy.

You know what?

I don't know.

I'm kind of at a loss for words.

This is just, you know, such a surprise.

All right, so let me, can you meet me over, like, by the McDonald's?

You think if I get your wife, like, one of those big blow-up dolls with a big cock on it, like, that would be good?

So, that's the way to talk to somebody.

That's gross.

We're strangers.

It's not like we're buddies or something.

Oh, well, you know, I just figured I was trying to get you something that would help.

Let me tell you.

All right, here's what we'll do.

Meet me at the McDonald's and just buy me, like, three or four of those, like, cheap-ass cheeseburgers that I could take home to my wife.

and like you come out you come out with the sack of cheeseburgers you can go i suck your dick i

got these cheeseburgers baby and then i'll let you suck my dick and then i'll take the burgers

home to my wife and we'll be all right all right just regular cheeseburgers though nothing fancy

no quarter pounders or anything no no i want the cheap ones but you got to put some lip gloss on

and blow me right there in the mcdonald's parking lot fuck nah that's that's getting a little steep

deep there. Oh, come on. I mean, how much you want

this thing? This thing probably goes for like a thousand

dollars. I mean, I don't

got no qualms about it. I mean, I can

take this mast out and hang it from

a rope on the tree and just start shooting at it

for all I care. Yeah, no, I already got

a new one, though, but

I hope that motor thing works out for you.

You blowing money around like that, Mr.

Moneybags? You got cash to just

fucking throw around on a new drone?

Yeah, kind of. I mean, I'm not gonna

go to, like, a McDonald's parking lot.

Hey, where's your woman at?

by woman yeah i don't know but if i bring a donkey over and by woman and by woman i mean

hey you think your sister will give me a handy in the front of my toyota celica

i i don't know she usually doesn't get in uh toyota celicas but uh she might make an exception

it's a quality car it's better than audi uh much better i mean you could take probably two of those

drone engines and stick them in the car and it would go faster than it does now you could take

take two of those drone engines and stick them up your ass

and you'd go faster too, smartass.

I had a feeling you were going to say that

because it's not that good.

Yeah, because you're a cocksucker.

Well, you're the fucking clown calling me on the phone

trying to watch a movie about Dracula.

I'll get Yuri.

If I get Yuri, it's all over.

He's from the Ukraine.

He's no one to fuck with.

What's his name?

His name's Yuri.

Yuri, okay.

What does Yuri like to do?

He loves to fight motherfuckers is what he likes to do.

Oh, tough guy.

That's what he did over in the Ukraine.

He fought people.

He was in prison over there, and that's how he made his keep in prison.

He did the prison fight league.

Well, that's no joke.

No, he don't fuck around.

They brought him over.

Who are you going to call next?

He was going to be in a legitimate fight and shit, and it was a joke,

and he ended up in jail and shit, and he just got out.

So, you know, literally, you know, he's got to be pissed a little bit.

Yeah, I'll bet.

I saw lockup in Russia.

I'm putting him here.

Here, go ahead and phone.

Hello?

Oh, you're going to get your...

I'm in Missouri.

Oh, what's up, man?

How are you doing?

I'm not doing okay.

It sounds like you're talking some shit.

A little bit, a little bit.

Your friend is, you know, he's calling me and telling me he found my thing, but he didn't.

He got me all excited.

And, you know, I think he wants me to fuck his wife.

All he told me is you were talking shit.

He said that Ukrainian people are a bunch of pussies.

No, no, no.

No, I said I'd bring a donkey over on a rope to fuck you both in the ass.

You think you're a funny guy?

I am the most complete fighter in the world.

I will come over there and I will make you eat your big toe.

Do you even know, like, where in the country I am?

Do you know what state I'm in?

I know you're out in Los Angeles, motherfucker.

You think you can run around and talk shit and I will not find you?

I have friends in your CIA.

That really makes me unafraid.

because our CIA is...

I don't know.

You should be afraid.

They're tracking your phone number now, yes?

Oh my God, clearly you have my phone number

from the Craigslist, Dad.

Yes, and now they're tracking your location

like a little bitch.

Oh, uh-oh.

Are you going to send a drone after me?

You think this is a joke?

I send drones after you?

Yes, I think you should go.

Me and my friend Jason David Frank

will come by and we will show you.

We'll show you the way.

I'd love to meet you.

I would love to meet you.

Jason David Frank used to be a Power Ranger.

He was the Green Ranger.

He knows how to suck people up.

All right, man.

I got to go watch my cartoons now.

But you guys take it easy.

Make sure to finger your asshole afterwards, okay?

All right, whatever.

Yeah, baby.

All right.

Good times.

How are you guys?

You guys feeling all right?

You guys all right?

Didn't he really think that was two different people?

I guess.

I got, uh, got some work on here in a second.

Yeah.

In the meantime, let's call a lost iPhone at Pearl City Walmart in Pearl City in Honolulu.

Okay.

Maybe it's, maybe it's Charlie's cell phone.

Oh, yeah.

Who's going to Salt Lake City to meet JDS?

Fucking miss Charlie, that motherfucker.

Whatever happened with him?

He got a little, a little crazy.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that's not been set up yet.

Goodbye.

They know me over at the Honoburu Inn now.

Did they drop?

I call and I'm like, yeah, my name is Dwight.

I'm with PepsiCo.

I need to do the order.

Fuck you, Dwight.

And I call back and I'm like, yeah, this is Dwight.

I drive the truck.

Oh, so there's two Dwights here?

I'm like, yeah, the other Dwight's an asshole.

But you got them good, right, with a Pepsi order?

you got him good with one right a couple of them that's awesome i actually talked to his

asshole son one time and he's like who is this i'm like this i was doing the dwight voice but

i said a different name he's like are you sure are you sure this isn't dwight and he fucking

slams the phone down wow yeah his son is kind of an asshole talked to him a few times so he's

been a dick who was it that had set up that fake facebook account for a dew drop in wasn't it

Was that Dyler?

I think it was, right?

Yeah, I think it was Dyler.

I think it was the one that had all the pictures of Charlie with his bird and shit all over him.

His bird and his daughter and shit.

I still remember the time you called Charlie and told him his daughter was in a Russian prison.

Oh, man.

I remember that one.

What are you talking about?

She in jail.

I forgot his daughter's name.

He in jail.

Fuck you.

I don't want to hear that.

Hello, how are you doing?

I'm calling about your Craigslist ad.

I found the GoPro.

Yes.

I think I found it.

Was it, like, close to the pier?

Could be, yes.

I think I found it.

I found one just laying on the pier.

Just laying on it, or?

It was laying on the ground.

Oh, okay.

I found it picking it up.

I thought about selling it, because those are pretty expensive.

But I found it, and I found your ad.

Um, yeah, I'm right now on the way to the airport, because I'm leaving.

Um, do you have the cable? I don't know if it's mine or not.

So, do you mind to take it home and check it?

You can look at the movie, or can you send me the videos or something?

You mean like hook it up to my computer?

What, again?

Yeah, sorry, I don't actually have a computer, so I can't see what's on it.

oh okay um so where are you from i'm from here in waikiki okay so um can you look it up when you

so you don't have a computer at all no i'm no i'm poor um that's actually why i was going to

sell this gopro because i need to i need food but i just add up to the library and i got on

on the computer okay um does it have a head strap on it do you know that what a head strap is it

just like the camera or it's like something on it oh hold on i can't understand hold on this guy

who i'm using his phone he wants the phone back hold on here there you go hey

what are you doing? My buddy here found your camera. I understand.

Yeah. Does it have a head strap on it?

Yeah, it's got a head strap.

Okay. So I'm on the way to the airport. I'm right now at the bus and my flight is going at 8.55.

I will stay at the Polynesian hostel close to the pier.

I don't know if it's my camera or not.

Would you mind go to the hostel, give it to them,

and I will transfer money to the guy who found it or something like that.

How long are you going to be gone?

How long are you going to be gone for there, sweetie?

I'm not living here, so I'm actually going home.

Oh, okay.

Maybe I can mail it to you.

What's your address?

Yeah, the thing is, like, I don't know if it's even mine, so...

Oh, okay.

Hang on.

I got a computer.

I don't know why he was telling you that there was no computer.

I got one right here.

Hang on.

Let me hook this thing up real quick.

Oh, you do have a computer?

Yeah, I got one.

Hang on just a second.

I got it hooked up.

I'm just waiting for the program to come up.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Open files.

Were you hanging...

Did you hear some video of some Asian gentleman?

little bit were there a lot of like asians and stuff in the photos or in the video was was there

a lot of asians and uh and hawaiians in the uh videos although the asians hang out in hawaii too

no i'm not i'm not asian no no i'm not saying you are i'm saying there's some some asian people in

the video like there was some you caught some asians oh i know this this has to be yours like

uh there's a woman who fits your description and she's having sex she's having this guy

where the GoPro camera with the head strap and she's just having a really

good fucking on the videos like there's like a lot of scuba diving stuff a lot

of scuba diving and like underwater sex oh yeah then it's probably mine yes you

all get in the you were doing the scuba diving with the underwater sex hey can I

ask you a question does it feel better when you have sex in the ocean yeah

Yeah, that's what the video is of.

It's, like, people scuba diving and having sex underwater.

Yeah, they were sitting there looking at the fish,

and all of a sudden, like, you see a bikini top float away,

and then there was just a lot of fucking and moaning going on.

It's yours, too.

I can tell.

I can tell by your voice that this is you.

Yeah, I can tell by your voice this is you in the video.

You guys came up for air, and you yelled, fuck me harder.

This is definitely your voice.

What? No.

Yeah, your boobies are around this video.

Look at the size of those knockers.

Yeah, I mean, bravo for your ethnicity.

You definitely have a nice set of boobies.

She's pretty hairy, though.

Yeah, but I don't understand, like, why you were yelling in the video,

eat my labia.

I mean, that's a little distasteful for a woman.

I don't understand.

The person you were traveling with, were you traveling with a man?

No.

Okay, so this was a female?

a female companion of yours must have been taping you having sex and i'm gonna upload it to the

internets no it's then it's not my gopro it's definitely you i could tell from your voice

i mean if you're willing to come over here and like let me let me have sex with you and you yell

eat my labia we can confirm this or uh you know deny it yeah hang on let me do a test um i'm

watching this video and they've just performed an act tell me on your best day how many fingers you

could put in your asshole what yeah how many fingers can you put in your asshole it's it's a

quiz question what did you say i can't understand you even i'm on the ball okay okay i'll do it slow

how many fingers you know fingers like on your hand can you put in your asshole well it's not

It's not my video.

It's your video of men putting fingers in your...

It's men putting fingers in your asshole.

I know you're ashamed, but it's okay.

This is America, goddammit.

We love this kind of type of stuff.

Mm-hmm.

Is that like a bad joke?

No, ma'am.

It's serious.

That is the American dream.

You're just making fun about the situation.

I am not.

I'm trying to return this GoPro camera that was used for pornographic reasons.

okay then take my email address and send me uh the videos then i can tell you are you are a dirty

girl what what is your what's your email address ma'am what what is your email address my email

My email address is 0-V-E-H-R-A-B-E-B-E-S-Google-Mail.com.

Wait a minute.

Your name's Zira, isn't it?

What?

Zira.

That's your name, right?

Zira is my name.

Yeah.

That's what the guy was yelling.

He's like, oh, yeah, Zira.

Fucking take it.

This is definitely your video.

This is your camera.

Okay, then send me the video.

Then I will tell you if it's mine or not.

Man, why are you letting this man piss all over you?

he's pissing on your chest oh no this is fucking disturbing ma'am why aren't you into stuff like

i mean i was telling you about the american dream but this is fucking ridiculous oh jesus

correct ma'am i'm gonna report you to the uh to the fish and game department you should not have

been doing this in the ocean so for reward can i get you to do that to me please i'm into that

that kind of stuff because i'm american oh jesus jesus christ okay can you send me the videos and

listen i'll send you the videos but under one condition no masturbating on the plane no i won't

i don't want you fingering your pussy on the plane what i do not want you fingering your vagina

pleasuring yourself on the plane that's the only way i'm sending the video no i won't okay do it

do it though but think of me okay you know what i'm hanging up because it's ridiculous i thought

we're starting to be friends i thought maybe i could come visit you or something and stay with

you for a couple days no you know what come on let me stay at your house toilet okay good i'm

gonna call her back are you good hey carlito can i play something down the line to you real quick

yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't think you've heard this before this would be kind of funny

audio settings thanks for taking over on me with that i couldn't think anything else to say

white you are on with john a little bit here and uh you know what i was throwing the screen

this is coming up saying that the uh that the guy was you know and then the cops just started

shooting up all we can hear is nova slamming stuff around hold on homie right there seemed

I mean, without a doubt, there are more facts.

Right.

You know, I don't know if you've seen this fact.

I actually just saw it on the little news feed up on the Yahoo section there

that actually George just rubbed his cock in this guy's face over and over.

It was fucking fantastic.

Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump.

Hey, dump, dump, take a shit.

Dump, dump, dump.

All right.

Well, you know what we're going to do?

We're going to end the conversation with that quick call right there.

That's awesome.

And they hit the dump button on you, man.

Yeah, well, he was an actual AM radio station out in Vegas.

Yeah, so he's simulcasting these.

Yeah, we tried calling the BTR number.

We're like, why the fuck isn't he answering?

And people are like, oh, yeah, we're getting in on the actual radio station line.

That's funny.

And I was like, oh.

So I called, and I had to beat the screener real quick.

And I think the screener was away from his console when I started talking about George Roman and his cock in people's faces.

Well, that's Nova.

Nova drama.

Bye, everyone.

It's tight there.

go go nova ranger come back nova please thank you barclay shut up and jam you ever play that

barclay shut up and jam that was a nasty piece of shit game happy if you didn't

yeah so what was that again was that the gopro i forget yeah okay all right so here's the best

bike on craigslist for awesome price 450 bike wow that's more than a ps4 machine

it looks cool though wow it's black all black black on black it is a specialized cross-trail

disc 2013 whatever that means look at all the lights on that oh send me the link there uh

enigmaoid enigmaoid uh i can see why it's the best bike on craigslist

yeah there we go what's with the jack lillian power juicer also does he throw that in for free

I have no idea

I've seen that too

It's a bad random power juicer

That's like that one guy

Called I forget what I was buying from him

I think it was some type of

Like oh it was a cherry picker

An ancient cherry picker

And like there was all this shit in the background

And I kept telling him I wanted him to throw like all this different shit in with it

But he's like oh it's not mine

It was taken out of my parents

I was like that tree the tree that's like a cherry picker

I fucking want that tree

And the guy's like no you can't have the tree

I was like, well, I'm coming to get the cherry picker, and whether you know it or not, tonight that tree's coming up missing.

The tree's blind.

I'm going to fucking pull it out.

All right, here's his bike.

I can get a pretty dollar for the rims, their alloy.

I'm going to scrap that shit.

I thought that looked nice.

Yeah, like black alloys, right?

Yeah.

Hi, thank you for calling Keyon.

I can't get to the phone right now.

Yo, yo, yo.

I know some black guys would love those fucking wheels, man.

and they'd put them on chains and wear them around their neck and shit.

Shit.

I think this is going to be it.

I'm sorry, Nick.

I know you sent more numbers, but we got a major power failure in my brain right now.

Oh, that's cool.

You feel good?

Hi.

Thank you for calling Keon.

I can't get it.

You guys see the naked celebrity pics?

It's all the rage.

I can't get it.

God.

Here's one more.

You got to do this one.

This one's pretty funny.

I got to do it.

Okay.

Which is it?

Right here.

Lost envelope with money.

Are they seriously trying?

Okay, fair enough.

God bless them.

They have faith.

Two dollar bills.

That's a lot of money.

That's a moderate amount of money, right?

Yeah.

It was a lot of money.

First month in deposit.

Trying to rent a place for themselves and two babies.

Oh, I like how they threw the two babies in there.

Baby, baby.

I'm going to ask for her to talk to the baby.

To hear the babies to make sure.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

Ah, shit.

Maybe she found it.

Or he.

We're sorry.

No answer.

let me scan through the numbers see if anything pops up at me that i have to do bikes

that one uh mattress free mattress they had a lot of stains on it i don't know

let me see a free one touch screen someone with uh does note nasty has stains i can repaste it

if you want yeah i repaste it because i'm scanning but i don't see it i hate that when

you copy a message and fucking skype does that yeah it's all right it is annoying the quotes

Okay, let me take a look at it and try it.

Ew.

Hey, it looks like it's been slept in without sheets on and all that.

Yeah, like a whorehouse.

Oh, that's very insnastic.

All right.

Can you imagine if you blue-lighted that shit?

Ugh.

The mailbox belonging to 8082.

Damn.

The mailbox belonging to 8082.

All right, now I'm really done.

I'm leaving.

no no ken show tonight ken oh he's gone already he left i guess not all right well thanks for

being on with me buddy sure anytime man all right it's awesome have a good one you guys too you have

a good night good week coming up i'm sure i'll be around and do many shows this week and make us all

laugh

Calls (40, 2 h 5 min of 3 h 17 min)

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