You Don’t Want To Know What He Said
4 Sep 2014 · 1 h 14 min · 8,395 words · source
Calls (26, 57 min of 1 h 14 min)
- Breakfast order confusion with staff live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Lobby bathroom inquiry at office live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Nairu Construction restroom drilling request live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Hampton and downtown lost item call live 37 s clip ↓
- YMCA gym day pass and bathroom inquiry live 1.5 min clip ↓
- YMCA Christian org bathroom hookup denial live 50 s clip ↓
- Walgreens layaway transfer attempt ivr 35 s clip ↓
- Pharmacy automated menu ivr 1.9 min clip ↓
- Auto shop customer with violent dogs live 3.9 min clip ↓
- Customer angry at manager delay live 6.1 min clip ↓
- Man offers bush hogging services live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Orlando Sentinel repair call prank live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Sandra about saddles and daughter live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Kmart bathroom action inquiry live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Kmart manager about men's bathroom live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Bowling alley lane rules discussion live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Holiday Inn Express lobby toilet electric outlet live 3.4 min clip ↓
- Charleston East hotel extension dialing ivr 1.7 min clip ↓
- Cracker Barrel fireplace and peeing call live 5.4 min clip ↓
- Prank call to unknown number with confusion live 4.1 min clip ↓
- James Candy Company order prank live 56 s clip ↓
- James Candy Company customer service call live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Haunted Tales asked about coffin ride live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Johnny Rockets asked to dance live 33 s clip ↓
- Armani Exchange asked for man to model clothes live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Apple Store demanded to speak to manager live 2.6 min clip ↓
Transcript
You little monkey.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
done with heat you know what i don't is there someone who speaks english
one eggs one potatoes okay hold on how do you okay hold on one bread excuse me one bread how
would you like your eggs how would you like your eggs cooked with heat and uh we don't do i mean
you gotta explain more than that over easy scrambled over hard uh break the shell of the
the egg, remove the yolk, and...
Okay, buddy, we know that, okay?
How do you want it cooked? Over medium?
Place on a warm...
Place on a warm, lubricated cooker.
Excuse me, I gotta let you go, okay?
No, no, no, come on.
Alright, one meat.
I'm asking you a question, and you're not answering me.
Forget the eggs. I'm busy. Don't be rude.
I forget the eggs. No, you are.
Motherfucker. Listen to me.
Son of a bitch. I want one meat.
Okay, what kind of meat do you like?
Pork. What kind of pork?
Pork meat.
With heat?
Cooked with heat?
One piece of sausage.
No, no, no, no.
One meat.
That's sausage is meat.
That's our pork sausage.
That's what we have for pork.
That's the only meat you have?
Pork, yes, it is.
Okay.
All right.
Then one breads?
Okay, so you want one piece of sausage?
Yeah.
One bread toasted with heat.
Okay.
What kind of bread would you like?
Whole wheat, rye, or sourdough?
Baked bread.
Okay.
Whole wheat, rye, or sourdough?
dough baked baked with heat and then cooled excuse me sir you want the whole wheat bread
sourdough bread or whole wheat bread they're all baked breads sliced bread okay so anyone
any kind you want me to put on the plate makes no difference the one that specifically the one
that i'm asking for is baked okay that's what i'm telling you sir they're all break you want
the sourdough kind you want the rye kind what do you want the whole wheat kind that's what i'm
asking you you're ignorant i'm okay made with the grains oh wait okay anything else for you
yeah uh one gallon of cooking oil we have no cooking oil okay no because you're starting to
be smart now buddy okay this is a bit listen motherfucker don't talk to me like that
motherfucker i'm the customer i am okay well okay you are what you're a piece of shit
yeah i am a good one get out get out of here i command you to hang up the phone
and go to hell.
New York?
Yeah.
Okay.
Fucker.
Okay.
Alright, is your mother there?
That's one thing you don't want to do
is talk about my mother
because I will get upset.
Can I order your mother
to come and kiss me?
Okay, I got what is
2-1-2-4-7-9-7-9-9-0
I will be calling the police
E-F-L-S
I will be calling the police
to get this phone call
and have you get in trouble.
Have a good day.
What's E-F-L-S?
What's the whole
I want to talk about my mama.
We're sorry.
I've got to buy credit.
I've got to buy credit.
This is how I flow and now hoes want more of my bull.
What's it supposed to mean?
Excuse me?
What do you mean by that?
Help you?
Yeah, what does that mean?
Like, can you help me?
I've been listening to this call, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was calling about the bathroom.
Okay, what bathroom?
Uh, the bathroom, like, in the lobby area.
Okay.
What was that?
Hello?
Her phone died.
Whatever.
She just unplugged the phone to make it sound like it went out.
Yeah, honey.
How you doing, honey?
I was just asking you about the bathroom.
Okay, what about the bathroom?
What happened?
Did you have the power outage?
The phone cut off.
The phone went like that, and then I couldn't hear you anymore.
What happened?
Did the power go out?
There's someone here working on our telephones.
Okay, can I ask you what about the lobby bathroom?
Oh, is the men's bathroom and the women's bathroom adjacent from each other?
No.
What do you mean, no?
Vicki, hold on.
You can talk to my manager.
Stupid.
This is Vicki speaking.
How may I help you?
Hey, honey.
How are you?
Just fine.
And you?
I'm good, baby.
I was just talking to, what's her name, Cindy over there?
Uh-huh.
She's kind of ignorant, you know?
Is there something?
Yeah, I was asking about, like, you know, the lobby area, the bathrooms that you have
down there, the public bathroom you have down there?
Yes.
Is the men's and the women's, are they, like, next to each other?
like adjacent they are okay um and what's in but is there a power outlet inside the men's
bathroom no there's not a power outlet there is there one just outside that i can run an extension
cord into no no no okay so then i'd have to bring like a battery powered drill then yeah okay all
right and what material do you have in between the men and the bath men and women's bathroom
room who is this this is eddie eddie from eddie from nairu construction i have nothing to be
constructed in my public restroom oh yeah i'm just this is like on my lunch break that i'm
going to do this i work for the construction you know what i have no time for this well listen
what i'm trying to do you understand what i'm trying to get at is i want to drill a hole in
the men's room wall so i could see do you understand if you keep calling here i will
We'll report it to the police.
What do you mean by keep?
Okay, you understand that.
Thank you.
Listen, you bitch.
This is the first time.
Hampton and downtown.
Whitney speaking.
How may I help you?
Yes, I left something there.
Sir, if you call again, I will report you.
Thank you.
No.
God.
Fine.
Forget it.
With your whole load that I'm up next
You're undressed, showing your breasts
Getting ready for sex, it's like
Hello?
Yeah, hi, how are you?
How you doing?
Hello
Hey, yeah, do you have a, you have, this is a gym facility, right?
Yes, uh-huh
Is there a one-day pass I can get?
Yes, we have adult day passes
For how much?
Twelve dollars
Okay, and you have shower?
Yes
Alright, and for how long can I, how long do I have to be in the gym?
uh in order to stay in the showers like what's the time limits we're open till 10 o'clock tonight
so i could be in the shower in the bathroom until 10 o'clock yep oh nice okay and how's the action
how's the action there tonight we have um we have a swimming pool we have a fitness center we have
tennis courts we have basketball courts we have racquetball all right yeah because you guys are
are listed on one of the
gay hookup sites, cruising, gay
cruising sites, websites.
On one of the what websites?
The gay bathroom cruising
websites. Okay.
Like... I don't know about that.
Yeah, it's rated
like the highest place in the city
for gay hookups
in the bathroom. Okay.
I don't know anything about that.
Yeah, well, I'm sure
you guys have some regulars you recognize.
They're probably some of the people that do it
a lot okay i wouldn't know anything about that i'm sorry okay that's cool well are there a lot
of guys in the locker room in the bathroom right now i don't know uh can you find out i can't go
in there can you have a male employee go in and find out and tell you let me know you don't know
who it is hello hold on okay sir hello sir hey honey i'm sorry this is a christian organization
organization we're we're not going to entertain going into the men's locker room for you but it
happens a lot there's a lot of guys that just meet up and they masturbate together and stuff
like that in there it there's a website it details it's highly highly rated among the users and okay
well do you know you're contacting the ymca it's a christian organization and we will no longer
need to speak with you okay thanks bye i'm sorry
the policeman said that i had to call back and apologize okay i'm very sorry for what i said
and thank you so much i'm especially sorry for what i said about you mother motherfucker
stupid motherfucker that is that all you got this is my apology that's your apology that's awesome
man i want to see a doctor and get rid of that i'd rather show it to you all right
at yeah smooth in the chat room that shit was funny last night yeah there was at least one
show that got shut down they're like we're gonna quit guys talk but looking at the chat they came
back on 20 minutes later when all of us left i saw i looked in the chat room this morning and i
saw the comments they were like uh hope it'll come back and the one guy was like well if they
They do come back.
I'll take care of them.
He was getting a big dick about it.
I saw that.
I saw that.
He came back, guys.
He came back.
So now Kent's got to get him again.
He's lucky Kent wasn't around.
Didn't see that.
He would have gotten all rocked up, riled up, and got back on the air.
Anyway, sorry.
I got a little sidetracked there in a conversation at Facebook.
Sorry, I forgot I was on the air for a second.
I was about to go up and get water, and I just realized I got a bottle of water right here.
Yay!
I have, I left my mind behind.
I keep it close.
So I'll stay.
Life's at risk.
I must admit.
The nigga's scared, but I gotta make it.
Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm listening to some of that hip-hop music.
I was listening to some hip-hop, hip-hop music.
Are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Um, you're probably wondering why I'm calling.
Uh, can I be transferred back to the layaway department?
Yes, so do I.
Bitch.
Waited forever.
I don't think layaway's even open right now for the year.
Aren't they only open Christmas time now?
Or like around October?
I don't know.
Fuck, I know.
It could be a while.
...green, located at the southeast corner of Edgewood and Washington in Charleston,
with convenient pharmacy drive-thru service.
Para servicio en español, oprima el numero nueve.
Yeah.
Do what?
I wasn't paying attention.
Sorry.
Damn.
I'm going to find a Lowe's.
It's time for that shit.
Play some Lowe's roulette.
Walgreens, located at the southeast corner of Edgewood and Washington in Charleston, is convenient
To refill your prescription, press 1
To check if your prescription is ready for pickup, press 2
If you know your prescription number, press 1
Your entry was not recognized
please try again if you know your prescription number press one if you do not know your
prescription number press two please enter your phone number including the area
your entry was not your entry please hold to speak to one of our pharmacy staff
we're sorry our staff is answering other calls please hold on and we'll be with you shortly
We're sorry to keep you waiting, but all of our staff are assisting other customers.
We will be with you shortly.
There are two callers ahead of you.
Oh, man.
We're sorry to keep you waiting, but all of our staff are assisting other customers.
We will be with you shortly.
There are two callers ahead of you.
We're sorry to keep you waiting.
but all of our staff are assisting other customers.
We will be with you shortly.
There are two callers ahead of you.
We're sorry to keep you waiting,
but all of our staff are assisting other customers.
We will be with you shortly.
There are two callers ahead of you.
We're sorry to keep you waiting,
but all of our staff are assisting other customers.
We will be with you shortly.
There are two callers ahead of you.
I ain't going to wait no more.
Probably some old people like, I can't read my head.
I can't read my head.
Yo, I've been killing shit 15 of my 16.
Hey, how you doing, motherfucker?
What's going on?
How's it going?
Oh, it's helping great.
I'm going to come down with my ADA Camaro.
Motherfucker went down on me.
I'm having a toad over there.
I'm going to be fixing it.
You all got nice parking spots there?
Anything nice shaded open right now that I can take?
Don't got any shaded right now.
We don't have no trees out here.
Mother fuck, really?
Damn.
Yep.
Damn, I'll put up a tarp then.
I got a tarp that I use for when I do, I run a business.
I run a business where I do glass tenting, so I can put a tarp up.
I'll put a tent around the car, all right?
and any problem if I bring a grill out there, grill some hamburgers, stuff like that.
Well, I don't know if we could do that.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's already in the back of my car.
I'll just take it out, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, it all depends on how,
because sometimes the city don't go too well with stuff like that.
Oh, fuck them, though.
Anyway.
I'll stick my dogs on them.
I got two violent Dobermans, violent dogs.
I hear you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll probably let them loose around there for a while, let them get some air, you know, piss on some trees.
Oh, you say you don't have any trees?
No, there ain't no trees right around here, Clay.
Oh, shit, I'll have to piss on something then.
I don't know, maybe other car tires and stuff like that.
Yeah, all right, that sounds fine.
Plenty of them around.
All right, so I need you to put in a new battery.
I need a new battery, so you guys, the last time I came, you guys put it in for me, because I don't know about cars.
Yeah.
Yeah, we can do that.
All right, so I need you to do that.
All right, and then I need you to put in some new light bulbs in the car.
Okay.
All right, I need you to clear the computer code machine.
Yeah, we can't do that.
We're not allowed to do that anymore.
What do you mean you can't do that anymore?
The federal government regulates that, and we are not allowed to erase codes.
So where do I go for the code machine?
machine uh right now as far as anybody around town here pretty much either like uh maybe
firestone or sears or a uh a car lot so it has to be fairly approved so i gotta put it up my
fucking ass then i guess that's our government epa regulation motherfucker you can i bring a
baseball bat inside the store well i wouldn't really recommend that well i'm gonna bring my
two Dobermans on their
leashes, and I'm going to bring a baseball bat
with me. Uh-huh. Okay?
Okay. I'm going to look around at some
stuff, swing the baseball bat a few
times around some of the stuff.
Uh-huh. Yeah, like around where the lights
are and the fuses and stuff, I'm going
to swing the baseball bat in that area.
Uh-huh. And then I'm going to let the Dobermans
go for a while inside your store.
Uh-huh. Just so they can
piss on some stuff, you know? They can
piss on some stuff. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and then I'll just masturbate in front of you.
Excuse me.
I'll just masturbate in front of you for a while.
Oh, okay.
You can watch me masturbate.
Hell, I don't know about that.
Do you masturbate?
No.
Thank you very much, Doug.
You have before, though, right?
Isn't it fun?
Oh, I thought masturbation again.
He doesn't sound like the masturbating, admitting kind of guy.
Hey, I called before and you were going to transfer me a little way and it took a long time and I called back and no one answered.
What happened?
You might just have to give them time to pick up because I have no clue.
oh i don't know so just give him a moment i thought maybe you were stupid or something
but can you just answer me a question uh-huh um how's the action in the bathroom i'm just
trying to find out about the men's bathroom well no i don't go to the men's bathroom so i don't i
can't answer you that well do you go to the ladies bathroom right yeah okay well you go there to
tinkle um well you don't you didn't notice if there are a lot of guys hanging out in the men's
around the men's bathroom tonight today rather don't pay attention uh you guys are highly rated
it on gayhookups.com like your public bathroom is a good is a good place for public uh gay men to
meet up you know mess around in there so but before i went down there i wanted to make sure
you know if it was busy or not because i one time i went there and i had to sit and i waited for
like four hours and no one ever came would you like to speak to a manager is it a woman or a man
um it's a guy manager oh thank god yeah all right
listen i gotta talk to a manager i don't have time to be waiting on you
well honey i don't know what to tell you you just have to wait on the phone until a manager
come to the phone well you were just you were just talking to the manager explaining what was
going on where did they go no i wasn't talking to a manager where'd they go into the bathroom
to jack off what's going on those be right back on it's taking too long honey baby
Well, I want to tell you...
Honey, baby.
I mean, what do you need to speak to a manager about?
About gay sex in the bathroom.
Like, are there a lot of guys there right now?
Yeah, it's either you want to come shop here, come shop here, or if you don't, just don't.
I do want to go shop there, but I want to go into the bathroom for a while, you know, and get off.
I'm here, I'm here.
Love. Parental love. Romantic love. Affection between friends. Specify.
Romantic love.
An attraction based on sexual desire, one that facilitates procreation.
Borg have referenced this condition in over 6,000 assimilated species.
Condition? You make it sound like a disease.
Physiologically, it bears a striking similarity to disease.
A series of biochemical responses that trigger an emotional cascade, impairing normal functioning.
How you doing?
Who is it?
Hey, it's Eddie.
Got me at a disadvantage.
Oh, why? You're on a toilet?
No, no, I don't think I know anybody named Eddie.
eddie you got an ice uh frigidaire with the ice maker oh you know what i'm right in the middle
behind a uh a washer dryer i'm tearing it out can i call you right back are you gonna do anything
my name is my name my name is ron are you gonna do anything with the toilet well i don't know
wait a minute oh i think well i i want to i want to touch and kiss the toilet before you throw it
away i don't have a toilet i don't know i think you guys want to say i think you got the wrong
Wrong address.
Where do you shit in the toilet?
For the wrong...
You got a Frigidaire.
Huh?
You got a Frigidaire 28 cubic foot motherfucker, right?
Whoa, listen.
What?
I have a refrigerator for sale, but I don't have file mouth for sale.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just...
I have a 28 inch cubic refrigerator.
Well, come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm in the middle of...
I have a 28 inch cubic side-by-side refrigerator with the side-by-side ice maker and all that.
Yeah, for $500, yes.
And what were you doing now?
Were you fucking your wife?
I'm on a job.
I'm cleaning out a dryer mess behind me.
The dryer's been here for a year, and nobody ever hooked up the vent.
Oh, I thought you were, like, fucking your wife or something.
All right, have a good day, guy.
All right, bye.
Sounds like you.
Like, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
I was giving you a chance.
I let you know I wasn't there for you.
I got a refrigerator for sale.
Hey, how you doing, big girl?
Hey, I am.
Hey, sexy.
I see you're looking for someone to come do some bush hogging for you.
Yes, I am.
Oh, nice.
Very nice.
You don't have a husband who can do it?
We don't have a tractor.
Oh, and what's wrong with your husband?
Why doesn't he have a tractor?
He's a feminist.
Are you being funny?
I'm just joking around.
I have a sense of humor.
i'm sorry honey anyway okay anyway i saw three acres i can do that for 50 bucks really i'm
bailing mm-hmm yeah okay yeah now yep i don't have to do that that'll be a good weekend i'm
sorry that'll be a good weekend for me if it dollars in my pocket you get some beers and get
some crank oh great who is this it's ron miller okay do i know you no i just yeah the ad out for
someone to do some bush right yes yes yes or do you live close to my house yeah yeah i'm about
um i'm about two clicks past the market in delhi okay and uh do you live down on 11 w or on that
loop road or w okay i live off a horse machine ranch road okay
okay do you want to come up this afternoon and look at it oh yeah i don't know yeah you want
to have dinner no i'm married i don't know but he can come okay i don't think you're serious
no uh no seriously he can come we can have dinner together oh it's on me
at the deli okay no this conversation is getting really weird oh come on i've never done actually
before but i'm i found a youtube video on how to do it i could probably get by
okay i think i need a farmer thank you bye sexy i've never done it before i knew that would kill
it it is so rude women hate it when i eat on the phone every time i do that they're like
as a matter of fact the only time i've ever gotten complaints about loud eating on the phone
during pranks has been from women and i think it's always it's always been like when i'm calling
calling back on help wanted job wanted ads like who the fuck would call to apply for or be
interested about you know submitting your resume for a job in the newspaper and you're sitting
okay you got me i am eating don't cry don't cry
Shit, I have no idea which one that was.
It's putting Carlito job eating.
Looking for a job.
All right, let's see.
Orlando Sentinel, Master Seneci Repair.
Hey, you jerk.
Manager, take this.
Oh, take this stupid thing.
It's funny.
Take this stupid thing.
Check, check.
I have no idea.
What's up, free world?
Janitor maintenance machine.
What's up, free world?
Check.
I don't see any that comes out.
I mean, it's fun.
Me and my niggas on the corner
Prepping niggas for corn
This is like my favorite one
I'm gonna play this
Interview for tomorrow between the hours of
Let's listen to him
Hey Big Vanessa, I need to speak to
Alan, he just called asking for me
I'm returning his call, this is Valente
And your name? This is Valente
What's your name? Valente
Yeah, what's going on over there, sir?
How do you say it there, buddy?
Hi, good day.
Okay, you're a son.
Am I on speakerphone?
Was that before?
Yes.
Why?
Well, I think usually we ask for permission before we put people on speakerphone.
Isn't that right, Mr. Allen?
For a job?
Yes, I am.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what, asshole?
Returning to main menu.
Yeah.
Is that Sandra?
Hi.
Is this Sandra?
Yeah.
Sandra or Sandra?
Either one.
Sandra, usually.
I would know, I guess.
Dumb answer like that.
So you got some bridles and saddles coming up for sale?
Yes, we do.
Oh, nice.
We have them out here at the yard sale.
I'm on Horse Machine Ranch Road.
I was thinking maybe I'd get on my horse and ride her down there.
Fine with me.
And then we'll put the saddles on the horsey, you know?
Oh, that'll work.
Yeah, and then I thought maybe I could bring my wife and put the saddle on her.
That would work.
You'd probably get kicked.
And I'd ride her around, and then I'd pull down her pants and underwear from behind, and I'd unzip my...
That's not very nice.
I'll unzip my jeans, and I'll be behind her, and she'll have the saddle on, and I'll...
She's, oh, my God.
Hello?
Don't want to know what he said, though.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, who doesn't want to know what I said?
Are you the one I just hung up on?
Who doesn't want to know what I just said?
What do you mean?
Is that your husband?
No, that was my daughter.
Oh, can I talk to her?
Not if you're going to talk like that.
No, I'm not.
What do you want to know?
I had to ask her a question.
How do you know you have to ask her a question?
You're talking about saddles, right?
We already communicated, though, about this earlier.
She told me to call you.
Yeah, what?
She told me to call you.
You're my daughter?
Yeah, I'm a friend of hers.
Who is this?
David.
David who?
Who?
Uh, David Cross.
David Cross?
Yeah.
Did you just talk to David Cross about saddles?
He doesn't recall the name.
Okay.
Um, well, when I'm behind her, you know, I'll put the saddle on her, on your daughter then.
You know?
Instead.
You don't want to know what he said.
What did I say?
I was going to pull my wife's pants and underwear down and then unzip my jeans and then she hung up.
Oh, I said I was going to get behind her.
and then she hung up oh my god you don't want to hear that running in packs like monsters
tommy clips part and lips believe what i got news for you lady she's anyone probably just
yeah hi you have a moving sale do i have what moving sale yes okay i'm talking i'm calling
about the computer desk do you think what the fuck did i already talk to them no i never talked to
them about the computer desk
yeah is there anyone in layaway or am i gonna have to wait a long time like a piece of junk
trash person here i can pay somebody back there are you in the store now uh yeah well no i'm in
in the parking lot i wanted to come in and talk well i'm trying to find out how the action is in
the men's bathroom right now i'm sorry what was that the action in the men's bathroom i'm trying
to find out if there's a lot of guys in there hooking up right now or if it's slow oh one second
okay oh wait it was a pickup i thought it was a hangover thank you for calling kmart to sandy
how may i help you hey sandy what happened why did i get hung up on like that what what i get
get hung up on oh i'm so sorry well who are you holding for i don't know i called about the
bathroom i was trying to find out how the action is in the bathroom and she said hold on a minute
and then she picked up and slammed the phone okay hold on all right so i'm gonna help you dad did
you hang up on me sir i just answered the phone okay or who are you manager i'm an assistant
manager how can i help you okay well is there a man that works there i'm sorry a man a man that
that i can talk to what department we're looking for um well i guess in the in the back of the
store where the bathroom is at okay um electronics uh the men's bathroom okay how can i help you sir
well it's probably a man that needs to help me i need to find out how the action is in the men's
room if there are any of the guys are back there the the normal guys that are back there this time
so we will report this if you continue to call us do you know what i'm talking about though
No, sir.
You don't know?
We don't know.
If you need to go to the restroom, then that's fine, sir.
Okay, but look, there's a group of men that go there regularly to your restroom,
and we have anonymous, like, sexual stuff in the bathroom.
Okay, sir.
Sir, like I mentioned again, if your calling continues, we will have to report you.
Yeah, but if you go there now, you see there's holes in the dividers,
and there's, like, dry seamless stains.
Please do not call again.
Thank you.
Okay.
She knows what I'm talking about. She knows.
Time to grind when your friends say let's dip. You leaving no time quick.
I'm convinced they all know.
Line.
According to this article I read, it's a prevalent thing.
Those are the women with you.
Hey.
Hello.
How you doing? Hey.
I like bowling.
Down and bowl you a game.
So, is there a rule against me throwing my ball into the lane next to mine?
You throwing a ball to the lane against the side of yours?
Yeah, like in the middle of someone else's game,
but sometimes I like to throw the ball into their lane instead.
It doesn't fly very well usually because it's, you know,
you kind of stay on your own lane and do your own thing
without interrupting somebody else's pleasure.
Yeah, but it's stupid West Virginia people here, right?
Depends on where you're from.
New York City?
Well, hell, souls, I mean, you know.
Actually, no, I'm from New Jersey, actually, so yeah, you're right.
They're a bunch of fucking assholes, right?
all right yeah all right so i'm not going to use the bumpers all right sounds like you need them
though no i don't so you can go ahead and take that off the bill all right i don't need to use
your shoes uh i'll i wear shoes so you can take that you wear shoes so you can take that off the
bill when you come in i'm sure i will um i'll reset the pins myself also so you can take that
that off the bill off of the the price how about i just take the pins off and you just don't bowl
well i don't have my own pins so that wouldn't work well do you have your own ball uh actually
yeah i do so you can take that off too yeah i got a i don't have any electric i don't have
any electric down here i don't know how your pins are going to reset that's my problem with
the boy has a soccer ball in the car so we'll use that we'll kick that down the lane and we'll go
We set the pins each time.
Like you're going to have a fun day.
Yeah, well, we live in a car, but we're kind of short on money, you know?
We're blessed.
We're blessed.
We're blessed.
We're blessed to be here.
Today, we were blessed.
We both played golf today, and we're safe, and we had a good breakfast at McDonald's,
and now we had lunch at McDonald's.
What's your name?
Well, they call me Sweet Lips, but my real name's Eddie.
That's a good name, Eddie.
My son calls me Sweet Lips, but everyone else calls me Eddie.
All right, Eddie.
Mm-hmm.
When are you coming down?
Well, we're parked right here at the Kmart right now.
We'll just come down the way.
This is where we spent the night here.
What color is your car?
We spent the night at the Kmart.
We're in an RV.
We're in a Winnie, a mini Winnebago, the mini.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Sure, and bring an adult with you.
We'll see you when you get here.
I'm an adult, motherfucker.
I'm the one that drives.
I said I had a son.
Stupid shit.
My son calls me sweet lips.
I mean, I'm ready to cuff, but I, wait, what'd I say?
Damn, you got me tripping.
Never thought I'd see the day where those words leave my mouth.
I guess it's something about you.
Girl, you're the cutest to me.
Say you're the cutest to me.
Thank you for calling the Holiday Inn Express.
This is the train to help you.
Hey, I'm calling about the toilets.
I'm sorry?
The toilet.
I'm not sure what you mean.
This is the Holiday Inn Express.
Yeah, you have the toilet.
I don't understand what you're asking.
The toilet.
Well, I understand that.
Yeah, that's what I'm asking.
Which toilet are you referring to?
The main toilet.
I'm sorry, we have quite a few.
The one in the lobby.
Are you a guest here in the hotel?
I hope to be, as long as the toilet works out.
I don't understand, sir. Is this a joke?
No, the toilet in the lobby. I had a question.
Well, what's the question about the toilet?
Is there an electric outlet in there?
Not that I'm aware of, no.
Is there one nearby?
nearby but for what purpose sir are you looking for the restroom well i need to go in the restroom
i need to use the electric outlet okay are you a guest in the hotel i hope to be then you would
go to your guest room and then yes there would be one in your guest room no no no this is for the
the lobby one it has more traffic that's what is the purpose of your call sir well the men's
bathroom is adjacent to the women's bathroom and i'm going to drill a hole in the wall to get a
fiber optic camera in there oh thank you for calling i'll watch it from my room thank you for
calling whatever all right let me call a different hotel now i'm just going to be silly and stupid
and i'm going to say do i just go into the bathroom i have to use it welcome to the days
in charleston east if you know your party's extension or room number dial it now
Do I just go in the toilet?
Do I just go in?
When I'm ready to use the toilet, do I just go in?
Fuck.
Really?
Come on, man.
A moment of silence, everybody.
Let us pray.
Good afternoon.
Thanks for calling, Jason.
This is Amber.
May I help you?
Was I just talking to you?
Yes.
Okay, why did you hang up?
Because I don't have time for prank calls.
I'm not prank calling.
I'm just really confused.
Do I just go in here?
Where are you at?
In the room machine, the main room machine.
What room machine?
One, one, uh, what is it? No.
Two? Two, one, I think it's two, one, three.
I'd have to go outside and look, but I really have to go in the toilet, you know?
Then you would just go in.
So I just, I can just go in there, there's a light on the wall, right, and I turn it on?
Yeah.
Okay, and just sit down, pull down the pants, underwear, and I sit down and I do my business, right?
Pretty much.
Okay, and then I use the paper that you have provided there,
and I use that to clean back there, clean myself, and I put that.
If you want to.
I mean, that's your business.
Yeah, yeah, I do.
You can walk around with dirty underwear.
No, no, no, I do.
And then I put that in there, and then I flush the toilet.
I push the lever down, and then it goes down into the water.
It goes down into the pipes, right?
And it goes.
Yep.
Where does it go from there?
It's it.
Oh, I thought it went up your mom's asshole.
hole now i think it might go up yours no it doesn't it comes out of my asshole i wouldn't doubt
it that's boy she's smart thank you for calling crack barrel
cracker barrel yeah good yay is the fireplace is the fireplace on no can you turn it on i want to
put potatoes in there i don't know but hold on i got another phone call no no no no don't go okay
Okay, who do you need to speak to?
I need to talk to a man.
Well, hold on for a second, okay?
No, no, no.
Thank you for holding. This is Mike. How may I help you?
Hey, how you doing, sexy?
Hey, how are you? I don't know who this is.
I need you to turn on...
But I feel good about you.
I want you to turn on the fireplace.
No way.
Yeah.
It's too high in here.
No, I want you to turn on the fireplace,
and I want Mike and me to sit next to the fireplace.
Say, la, la, Mikey, Mike.
And then I want you to point out the bulge in my pants.
Oh, gosh.
I wore those tight jeans.
I wore the tight jeans so that my, you can see the outline.
Did you?
The pink ones?
The outline of my penis in it.
The pink ones are like so much?
No, blue.
Oh, the blue ones?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a down, I'm down, I'm down low, you know, down low Negro.
No one knows about me.
You see me, you think I'm any old trucker, but I get down, I suck dick, and I bottom.
them i'm i'm a cum dumpster oh man i also like watching my little pony you like watching what
my little pony i bet you do you ever watch my little pony i know oh which which one do you
most identify with rainbow dash pinky pie i don't know flutter by who is this uh hello who is this
i forgot the other one's name oh this is eddie eddie garcia i'm an artist eddie garcia i'm an
an artist yeah what's up eddie garcia what's up i'm an artist how are you good what did you put
me on speakerphone i did okay i want to share with everybody what you have to say okay all right you
ready yep that's it well it's got to be a world record thank you what can i help you with that's
it no that's it that's all i call for you don't want to get what was that that was me peeing i
know but what was the reason why you called as i wanted to pee i wanted someone to hear me pee
so it wasn't it wasn't about me when my it wasn't about me uh sitting with you at the fireplace
it was that but after i pee that usually those urges go away you know okay i got you sexual
urges go away so i feel better now all right okay i'm glad i could help you have a good day bye
I'll be right back
Brad told me to call
Said if I get something to eat
Brad told me to call
Said to get something to eat
This is Arby's right?
Yes
Oh
You know
Told me to call
About getting something to eat
Pick up
Yeah
One food
What time y'all gonna be
About to pick it up
One number four
A number four?
Well, y'all can just order.
No, there's more than that.
Five number five.
You talk about, okay, yeah, you want to call in a big old pickup order.
Okay.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Pretenders.
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah.
You said one number.
Yeah, five number five.
Five number fives.
I'm the mountain of meat.
The meat mountain.
Give me one moment.
Not now.
Why not now?
Why not now?
Talk to him soon.
I want to know, yeah.
You're a...
Well, you tell the manager he's a son of a bitch, son.
Okay, well...
No, let me talk to him, then, because if not, it's coming on you.
Oh, man.
Why are we playing this prank all again?
Um, okay.
Nice day at work?
You have a nice day at work so far?
Are you busy?
Um, just hold on one second, okay?
Okay.
What the fuck is going on?
He's all like, oh, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
You want to come to my room?
I don't have five.
I have no five.
What?
What the fuck?
I
Alright, I'll call back.
That was so weird.
I thought he knew who I was or something.
How may I help you?
What happened?
Why'd you hang up?
Don't hang up.
Hello?
Don't hang up.
Don't be like that.
Okay.
Gay hotel, man.
How you doing, Malaka?
Hello.
bills yeah i'd like to make an order hello yeah an order hello the fuck that was about
i want to make an order hello i make an order hello order stupid whatever
we're calling atlantic city boardwalk that's what we're doing that's what i'm doing
saltwater i'm guessing that's saltwater taffy i was just eating cherries and i ate one and it
It tasted like straight-up pure fertilizer.
Ugh.
And it was the last cherry of the day.
Welcome to James Candy, Fralinger's Saltwater Taffy, and Baird's Chocolates.
We're open today.
If you know someone's extension, you may enter it at any time.
For mail orders and customer service, press 1.
For our retails, we're calling James Candy Company.
Proud makers of James Confections, Fralinger's Saltwater Taffy, and Baird's Chocolates.
One of our candy representatives will be with you shortly.
This call may be recorded for quality assurance.
We're calling James Candy Company.
My name is John.
How may I help you?
Hey, Sexy.
How you doing?
Hello?
Yeah, how you doing, honey?
Can you hear me?
Thank you for calling James Candy Company.
Yeah, I'm here.
You hear me?
I apologize.
We're not able to hear you in the center.
If you can hear me, I have to call back.
Thank you for calling.
Hello?
Hello?
What's going on?
Don't you hear me?
Check my settings.
No!
It sounds okay.
It should be okay.
We'll see. I'm back.
Here's a place called Haunted Tales.
Haunted Tales, how may I help you?
Oh, what's Haunted Tales? What do you do?
It's a virtual reality attraction.
We have a haunted theater, and we also have
a two-person coffin ride.
There are two attractions.
Is there a sexy ghost in it?
In the coffin?
If you want there to be one, I'm sure there would be one.
All right, can I get in the coffin
and
be closed to the door?
and then the trap there's a trap door in the bottom and the gps in there then i check no we
don't have any features like that and i open up trap door in the bottom i check my gps and go
straight down to the hell well you come on in and we'll see if we can get you to hell okay honey you
have a great day all right titties that sounds like it was really cool in the 90s there's a
great day about general rockets when do you people start dancing what makes that happen
We dance approximately every 30 to 45 minutes.
And if I buy songs, do you have to dance?
You buy what?
If I buy songs at the jukebox, do you guys have to dance each time?
But you can request for us to dance.
Okay, I want you guys to dance for about two hours.
Okay, so just come on in and then request for us to dance.
Listen, don't be cute and don't be smart with me.
I want you to dance for two hours, motherfucker.
Yeah, just shut everything down and dance.
That was Johnny Rockets.
When I went on the last cruise I went on, there was a Johnny Rockets on board.
So it was all-you-can-eat Johnny Rockets table service for free.
Oh, did I have fun.
I had so many.
I think I ended up just having two hamburgers and some onion rings.
But, oh, my God, was that fun.
And they had this thing that whenever somebody came in, you were supposed to say, hey, or clap, you know, when someone came in.
and my wife and i on purpose we just we kept we we had a sustained clap that we did on purpose for
like 30 seconds it was funny and everyone was like laughing and then our waiter was like oh
we can like you're you're the my favorite people that have ever come through here you guys had so
much fun the person was kind of cool like the fan it was like a family like it's and we were right
by the door so like they it was like hello they're like all like everybody welcome carl and family
everyone's supposed to go yay that's it here's me and my wife like yeah yeah yeah yeah as they're
walking in they're looking at us laughing it was fun it was funny it was so cute it was our
honeymoon fun and being nice and we loved each other still we still had love call sorry sorry
we are in atlantic city right now i don't know they say atlantic city's failing because everyone's
going to vegas and the other casinos in the northeast now i'll tell you what when i went
to atlantic city for my bachelor party i think there were if i remember correct oh we could only
find two strip clubs uh in atlantic city one of them was like non-nude whatsoever no nudity
real conservative town the other one was okay and we still had an okay time but we'll still
I've never pranked an Apple store.
Armani Exchange, why not? Let's have fun.
Armani Exchange, how may I help you?
I want to come in and I want the man to put on the clothes for me to look.
You know, I sit down and watch the man and he puts on the clothes and gets all sexy.
Patrice?
Say it again.
Patrice?
I'm sorry, can you repeat that for me? You wanted to see what?
I want the man that works there to try on the clothes for me that I like.
and I sit down and I watch and I critique
and he gets all sexy, you know,
and looks really hard and hot, you know?
I'm sorry.
You got the wrong number.
This is the Armani store.
Yes.
You provide that service where the man...
No, we don't.
Where the worker puts on the clothes for me to see.
No, we don't.
Yeah, you do.
I apologize.
Fucking asshole.
Is there a man I can talk to to figure it out?
Huh, she laughed.
You heard her?
She said,
Ah!
She's having a big old laugh right now.
Yeah.
You have reached
All right, then, the Apple Store.
Thanks for calling the Apple Store, the pier.
Apple is the home of iTunes Festival.
Watch it from the best seat in the house with Apple TV.
Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.
How can I help you today?
I'll talk to the motherfucker in the fucking store, motherfucker.
Give me just one moment.
I can transfer you to a specialist, but to make sure I route your call correctly,
please tell me the reason for your call.
Because I motherfucking said so, motherfucker.
Do it now.
Hold for just one moment, please.
I'm sorry you're dissatisfied.
Please hold for a specialist.
He knows I'm dissatisfied.
Please hold for the next available representative.
That's a cool sound instead of...
Wow, this would probably be why we've never called Apple before.
For another number.
My mouth still tastes like fertilizer.
I'm done whining.
Let's see if my mouth still tastes...
Answer there.
Two hours, nine minutes.
Yeah, I've been out for two hours.
I'm done.
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