Carlito Goes to the Islands
5 Sep 2014 · 28 min · 3,669 words · source
Calls (5, 20 min of 28 min)
- Carambola Hotel asked about nitrous tanks for party live 9.1 min clip ↓
- State Belvedere Villa Mr. Belvedere fan inquiry live 3.1 min clip ↓
- McDonald's Virgin Islands menu inquiry live 3.0 min clip ↓
- McDonald's follow-up menu questions live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Pueblo Supermarket Virgin Islands shopping list live 4.6 min clip ↓
Transcript
Yeah, okay, well, and that's a Young to Dead from 2005, talking about Wolfman.
I'm coming to the islands.
I'm on a cruise ship right now.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, and I wanted to see horsies.
Tours, it's $100 a person for a tour, and it's usually 11 a.m. in the morning.
Uh-huh.
And we're finished by about 1 o'clock.
And what does the horsey do?
do well it uh goes on a tour with me giving a uh nature tour along on the way of uh rainforest
trees and along the beach and have some old historic ruins okay ruins of what uh the old
plantations um from the sugar plantation days oh what can you tell me about it well they're the
old slave village ruins that we ride past the old houses that's funny they put uh people in
when they were farming the sugarcane on the property.
They make them stay there like assholes in there, right?
And they didn't get paid any money?
Yeah, yeah, those particular ones.
This sounds like Cheech.
The black people?
Yeah, yeah.
All right, and does the horsey take a lot of shits on the way?
Yeah, this sounds like Cheech.
Is this Willie Thomas?
No.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's Willie.
Hi, it's Willie.
Hi.
It sounds like you, and then you also have a comedian personality that you picked up on.
Hey, listen, I'm walking with my cell phone through the house here.
If we get cut off, you call me back, okay?
Yeah, are you headed to masturbate the horses?
No, I'm actually trying to get a short-sleeved shirt on because I had been,
And I'd just gone to the grocery store and had a sleeve, you know, one with shoulder sleeves on it.
I can't stand those.
I like working in.
Oh, you're in a bra?
I like working in.
Oh, you're in a bra or you got your tits out?
Well, my tits got cut out from my mastectomy, so I don't really have any left.
Ew.
Ew.
That's so nasty.
Ew.
Ew.
That's gross.
Anyway.
Ew.
So, anyway.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
Oh, yeah.
Ew.
Ew.
Life is rough, but at least I'm still alive.
Ew.
God, that's so gross, though.
Ew.
Like, you don't have any tits or anything?
Well, I got fake plastic things put inside my skin.
Ew.
Ew.
Yep.
Ew.
Yep, all got cut off.
That's where the cancer is, in the nipples.
Oh, yeah?
Was it from the horses that you got the cancer?
No, it's probably from tick spray.
All right.
All right, you motherfucker.
I don't want to talk to you anymore.
more you sound like you're pretty drunk too yeah yeah i'm drunk and i'm coming over don't do that
i'm gonna grab those plastic tits ears and go honk honk don't do that honk honk hey what's
mount victory camp up the street what do they do there eco tourism they teach people survival
skills oh nice a young lady and uh the guy i guess um she's sexy they teach him how to eat
Yeah, she's sexy. She's got beautiful legs.
He's kind of handsome, too.
Okay. Oh, I'll call over there. That sounds better.
Yeah, yeah.
And they teach people how to survive in the wild
and eat termites and ants and leaves in the bush.
I'll see if they can tell me how to make a condom.
All right.
All right, honey.
Yeah, probably out of a banana leaf.
All right. Well, I'm sorry about your tits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Bye.
I don't feel very womanly anymore.
Oh, that's cool.
All right, no problem.
Well, you're old anyway.
All right, bye.
I don't want to talk to her anymore.
Shut up.
She wanted to keep talking.
Lonely lady in the Virgin Islands with no tits.
Hello, you have reached Matt and Carmen Corradino at Mount Victory Camp.
The second time I called, the first time it just kept ringing.
I apologize for that.
What were you doing?
I'm sorry?
What were you doing?
I was in here ringing.
Oh, okay.
That's cool.
yeah i'm in my room i had a question i just came back from downstairs and i met a nice young man
he said that i could get some ganja here but i don't know um i'm gonna use an atm will i give
me us dollars back or how do you what's the tender here um i have to use the atm to give
him some money for some drugs for ganja for marijuana smoking the guy said it was fine here
i don't know i'm on a trip so i don't know i've never been to this country before it's part of
of the u.s i left the u.s like three days ago sir are you are you with like the marriott main
switchboard or something front desk of a hotel oh okay so what do you mean we're part of the u.s
okay we're considered the u.s territory yeah but what's the virgin islands money then what am i
going to use u.s dollars it's u.s dollars there's no barter system here like i don't trade for
pineapples or coconuts or anything no no okay uh can you send that young man upstairs he should
should be in the lobby he said he had he has a backpack on him with uh marijuana i don't see
anyone here there's no one there now do you think he left oh i told him to just wait a second while
i came up to get some cash so he'll take uh u.s dollars and so if i give him sixty dollars u.s
he'll he should have no problem i believe so good good good all right so where can i get like
rolling papers or something like that around here probably at a gas station i guess you guys have
gasoline here not here at the property no oh okay but here like in this island there's gasoline
stations yes okay all right will they have water there also okay good good so from there i should
be able to get rolling papers and maybe like a lighter or stuff like that probably all right
you recommend do i have to stay in my room or can i go out in the patio or anything like that
uh you'd have the property all right okay i'll do that all right all right buddy well hey thanks
Thanks for your help.
I appreciate it.
When I take the survey, I'll mention that you helped me figure out how to smoke marijuana here,
like what I had to do to pay and where to get it and all that.
What was your name?
I'm not giving you my name.
You gave it to me when you first picked up.
Hi, Patrick.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Hello.
Who's this?
Hey, this is Cross.
I'm over on my vacation.
How you doing?
Hello.
I'm doing fine.
That's good.
I'm staying here at the Carambola Hotel, Carambola, whatever it is.
i guess um i was just asking the guest staff where i could get some nitrous and some tanks
for a party we're going to be having here at the hotel tonight and they said that you had all that
stuff yeah so we're looking for like four good tanks filled with nitrous and we're going to be
passing them around the party and taking hits out of it we don't have any nitrous man what do you
what kind of gas machines you got we have regular compressor what do you mean what's a compressor
what do you mean we compress sorry i just stepped outside real quick hello we compress air so it's
just regular air yeah can we put dope smoke in there and uh in the tanks how you doing i'm
looking hopefully you make it better for me honey i'm calling because i need some tanks for a party
we're having tonight what do you mean there's chickens out here what about now is that better
so yeah i need some tanks we're going to be needing some tanks for a party we're having
tonight at the carambola hotel what do you mean right oh no we need them we're just gonna walk
around with the tanks and let people take hits of nitrous and all that all right but still that
should help out right you can kind of get a little bit of a buzz if we turn the the levels up i don't
know if you yeah we're gonna we're gonna mess with the mix you know the mix how you adjust the mix
yeah but we can double them together make them stronger we could put dope smoke in there too
all right so can you deliver those or do i need to come down there you guys are just up the street
I mean, you're divers.
You're supposed to be in good health and all that.
What's the matter?
Hog them down.
They're pretty heavy.
Yeah, it sounds like they're heavy.
No, actually, I got a broken ankle and all that.
I'm in a cam boot.
Do you have a truck?
Do you have a truck, motherfucker?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
You mean not doing good?
Were you going to say not doing good because I was calling back?
How much do you bench?
Do you even lift?
Oh, is that from getting fucked in the asshole?
Yeah, did you put the whole tank up your asshole and bolt your disc?
Huh? Look, I'm calling from, I'm the guy at Happy Patty Diving.
You know, down the street, Happy Patty?
There's no Happy Patty.
Yeah, Happy Patty Diving. It's right down the street.
Sweet bottom.
Yeah, but I'm calling from there.
Maybe they can help you out.
What?
What do you want from me? What do you want from me?
Oh, come down here. I got some nitrous.
Nitrous? You don't have to call me.
I have nitrous. I have nitrous, and we can take it and masturbate and all that.
And take hits of it.
Hits?
And masturbate.
Because it gets you real fucked up in the head, you know?
When you're taking it.
When you're doing it.
You need to call somebody else.
No, but you're the closest.
I don't know what you're trying to do.
You're the closest guy to me.
And you're hot and I'm hot.
I'm a diver.
You're a diver.
I don't think you're a diver because you don't even know what nitrox is.
Let me massage that.
Is this Chris?
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
Hey.
Let me massage that bulging disc of yours.
Cool.
Yeah.
I'll see you when you get here.
All right.
Bring a lot of money.
All right, bye.
What?
Chris will be excited.
Hello?
Hey, boy.
How you doing?
Good.
Who's this?
Is this the State Belvedere Villa?
Yes, sir, it is.
Yeah, I wanted to see where Mr. Belvedere used to live and where he was buried and all.
I'm a big fan.
Say again?
I'm a big fan of the show, and I wanted to see where Mr. Belvedere was buried and the
house he used to have.
Oh, yeah?
Who is this?
Eddie.
I'm on a cruise ship.
Eddie?
I'm on a cruise ship.
We might have a bad connection.
Okay.
I'm on our way there.
Yeah.
We're going to come into port tomorrow.
Yeah?
Where from?
From?
From the United States.
What part?
From the South.
I mean, where'd you leave from?
Port Canaveral.
Port Canaveral?
Yeah, yeah.
North Florida?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, so I wanted to see where Mr. Belvedere used to operate, where he grew up.
Yeah, I think you might be a little mixed up about that.
It says here in the information that this is a state Belvedere where the famous comedian and actor Mr. Belvedere grew up,
Spent his early days
Was brought up
Filmed a TV show
And then spent his last days
And is buried under
Some kind of hibiscus tree
Huh?
You're reading that where?
On the pamphlet
That the cruise ship gave me
Really?
Mm-hmm
And I'm a huge fan
Of Mr. Belvedere, yep
I masturbate
Whenever he used to come on TV
I think the cruise ship
Might be throwing you
Whenever the show
Used to come on the TV
I used to masturbate
Watching it
I used to start masturbating
I stole that joke
From Saturday Night Live
Adam Sandler said that
I think
Adam Sandler said that
something like that
yeah
funny guy
yeah
anyway
so
this has nothing
what are you doing over there
are you making a grilled cheese sandwich
or something
nope
doing the dishes
yeah
they make you do the dishes
what's that
you don't have any women there
no women
it was a gay estate then
yeah
the whole island pretty much
oh wow
I might not get out in port
then I don't want to get AIDS
well you know
be careful
I don't want to get AIDS
I don't want to get the AIDS
you know i don't want gay people looking at my body and my butt and thinking about doing stuff
to my butt yeah maybe i'll just stay on the ship well maybe i'll just stay in the ship and
masturbate to mr belvedere mr belvedere yeah that'd be a great idea all right baby all right
honey well take care of yourself all right motherfucker see you later i guess it's hard
to get really mad when you live in the virgin islands these people are pretty chill i knew
there was a reason why i had never called the virgin islands extensively because they're all
like yeah whatever man we're all gay we smoke weed pretty much how can you not in a place like
now find a casino by advance i will ask them for peyote the problem is it probably
might not be indian casino but i have a mcdonald's here wow
Wow.
Wow.
They have everything.
Hi, this is McDonald's.
Yes, it is.
On St. Croix on the Virgin Islands.
Yes, it is.
Wow, you guys have everything here.
Oh, it's like being in the United States.
Great, thank you.
Yeah, so what kind of, what money do I pay with?
Do I have to get pesos or what do I pay with?
You could pay with a MasterCard, Visa card, any card with a logo or?
No, but they have a high fee for international transactions, so I would rather just pay cash.
Yes, the U.S.
What do you mean, you?
I said, when you say you, I would rather pay cash.
So, like I said, you use the U.S., the currency we use up here in the Virgin Islands.
So, you do a conversion for me at the counter?
Oh, no, we don't.
You convert?
Because this is a black country, right?
What do you mean by a black country?
We are all black and white, all mixed?
Well, I'm white.
Right. You people, the people are black from this country, right?
On Virgin Islands, it's a black island?
Well, somewhat, but we get a lot of Puerto Ricans in here, which we would say they're mixed.
Oh, gross. That is nasty.
Really? They're here too?
Excuse me?
We have that problem in New York too.
Why would you call them nasty?
They're human beings like us.
Oh, they're so bad.
Excuse me, sir. I've got stuff to do because I cannot be allowing you to call anybody nasty.
They have loud music.
Did they do that here, too?
Did they bother you?
Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
Yeah.
Okay, do you have Big Mac?
Yes, we do.
Do you have Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Yes, we do.
Do you have Bacon Clubhouse Burger?
Yes, we do.
Do you have Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder?
Not anymore.
This is discontinued.
Do you have Bacon and Cheese Quarter Pounder?
Yes, we do.
Do you have Deluxe Quarter Pounder?
No, this is discontinued.
Do you have Double Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Yes, we do.
Do you have hamburger?
Yes, we do.
Do you have cheeseburger?
Yes, we do.
Do you have barbecue ranch burger?
Oh, we don't have barbecue ranch burger.
That comes from me.
I said, no.
Oh, I said, we are missing our Puerto Ricans.
We're not going to care, man.
I was saying that they're all nice and happy right now.
Puerto Ricans, we got that problem, too.
Oh, shit.
I can say that stuff because I'm Puerto Rican.
Don't you try it, sloth.
I don't even think about it.
I was wondering how...
Just reading every single item off the McDonald's menu online.
I got pretty far.
I was still like a fifth of it.
I didn't get any idea, Sloth, about saying those things.
Oh, Carlito said it. It's fine.
Greasy, spick, Mexican fucks.
That doesn't work right now.
If we were the case, we'd just find a random black person to do one show,
and then we could just make those jokes for my black people.
No black people.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi, good day.
Hey, honey, how are you?
I'm fine, and you?
Good. Do you have grilled onion cheddar burger?
mmm we don't sell grilled onion cheddar burger do you have double cheeseburger yeah do you have
mcdouble no we have the double cheeseburger okay do you have jalapeno double hello hello
do you only have double double cheeseburger bacon triple big mac magnifica quarter pounder
double quarter pounder the bacon clubhouses all those stuff from the states we don't have
Do you have premium crispy chicken bacon clubhouse sandwich?
Yes, we do.
Do you have premium grilled chicken bacon clubhouse sandwich?
I'm like, wow, you guys have everything.
There was a prank call that Jeff Garland did on Cranky Anchors.
I forget what it was, but he's talking Nazis, and he's like, you know what to do, number two pencil.
But at the end of it, he started saying, wow, you got everything.
I could never find that episode again or never find that prank call edited.
A Jeff Garland prank call from Crank Yankers.
I think he called like an adult store.
All right, I'll try to stick to the businesses,
the big chain businesses on the Virgin Islands.
Oh, here's Pueblo Supermarket.
That's a Puerto Rican supermarket.
Puerto Rican brand.
I think it's owned by a Mexican company now.
They had been in Florida for a while.
This is the one my family in Puerto Rico frequents.
there was pueblo extra clay that's good they don't know do you have milkman's here
anyone do you have milkman virgin island milkman milkman yeah they come they bring the milk oh no
no no no on the rascal scooter no oh okay all right do you have um potatoes yes we do wow do
you have rice yeah this is a supermarket we have everything yeah but i don't know what this country
has i'm i'm i'm gonna be docking in a few hours here and i have to pick up some stuff huh yes we
have everything do you have cheese whiz yes we have everything do you have peanut butter sir we
have everything it's a big supermarket yeah but this is a different country i don't know which
of these things i i can get i'm making a list do you have pickles yes we do do you have water
this country sir we have everything you could come to the supermarket and we have everything
that you would need do you have mustard you heard what i said right yeah do you have uh black people
there oh tell the mcdonald's lady this is a black country what do you mean about that good afternoon
hi good afternoon how am i help oh good can i be transferred to the bakery i want a cake
do you have cakes here we have cake that is pre-made i want to have a message put on it
okay then you would have to call someone to do that for you but this is you said you have
have everything here that it's a big supermarket and you have everything okay but you could have
you could well you could buy the thing to put whatever you need on the king no no but in the
united states in that country you can get but you they put it on then you would call a local person
you'll go to the phone book and in the united states they do it for you in the bakery inside
the supermarket motherfucker okay well we don't offer that one because lazy black people working
Excuse you?
Just like you.
Oh, well, good for you,
because I still want God,
and all of us come from God.
I know, but you and me are both...
Black or white, we're wonderful people.
Well, yeah, you and me are both...
If you think you're more wonderful than us,
then kudos for you.
You and me are both white.
White.
Don't be mad, we're both white.
Getting a problem, yeah.
anyway sorry i'm distracted by a map matter of fact i'm just about done i think i am done
i can't stay any longer maybe i'll come on back oh maybe i'll come back on later but this is just
supposed to be like a 30 minute thing because i wanted to make sure in case i missed i had
tonight that i was on five days in a row now i've complied wish i could do more but no i gotta go
Okay, bye.
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