The Odyssey Does Not Go
10 Sep 2014 · 36 min · 3,934 words · source
Calls (14, 28 min of 36 min)
- Clover City Honda automated menu ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
- Odyssey car won't go service call live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Plumbers Furniture fight request live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Corporate office power breaker issue live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Casino pool urination incident live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Casino pool guy cross on phone live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Buddhist House about short shorts live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Washington Irving Library bathroom inquiry live 4.6 min clip ↓
- Restaurant World food order attempt live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Tire machine spring inquiry live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Alleged brother on corner live 33 s clip ↓
- Subway order with insults live 3.0 min clip ↓
- Bathroom bath request live 49 s clip ↓
- Washington Dog and Cat Hospital asked for bath live 3.2 min clip ↓
Transcript
We're here on the iPhone 5 line with Rachel. Rachel, what's the haps?
Well, um, everybody wants a new version of iPhone 5, so we're waiting in line.
Now, some people decided to do this silly thing and order it on the internet. Why did you decide
to wait on line?
I don't want to get ripped off by the internet, so I decided to just wait in line.
Have you heard a lot of horror stories of the internet going and ripping people off?
Scams and stuff like that, so I'm just going to avoid the internet. I'm just waiting in line.
Yeah, and I can't wait, too, because I heard that it's only $200 instead of $800,
so I'm very enthused. I might buy two or three phones.
So what happens if you get into the store and it costs more than $200?
That's right, because I have my credit card.
And that internet won't scam you?
I hope not. I don't think it ever will, because I use Apple 5 all the time,
and I've never had a problem at all with Apple.
I mean, not Apple 5, but I use Apple.
Previous Apples.
I mean, yeah, Apple 4, but Apple 5 is what I want to buy now, so.
Well, good luck.
I know, so congrats me about getting the Apple 5,
because I've shared phones before with other people, but I've never owned my own.
Oh, fuck.
You little monkey.
You bastard.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
This is going to be great.
Yeah, I know.
Thank you for calling Clover City Honda.
We're going to direct your call.
No, Odyssey does not go.
I'm sorry?
The Odyssey does not go.
Thank you for calling Culver City Hondo.
We're going to direct your call.
Why do you hang up?
The call did not hang up.
It just fell.
No, it clicked.
How did it click?
How did it go?
Because I have other calls incoming, so it probably dropped.
It just dropped?
That happens?
No, it happens on the phone, yes.
So someone will be talking with you on the phone, and then another call comes in,
and it causes the conversation you're currently having to drop.
That's what happens?
Sometimes it happens, sir.
Sometimes it happens.
It tends to happen a lot there.
Oh, wow.
How can I help you?
You should get that checked out.
That's a big problem.
It is.
I mean, I have to, like, fix it here and there, but, you know, what can I do sometimes?
Well, the odyssey does not go.
What do you mean the odyssey does not go?
You're having trouble with your car?
Yeah, it doesn't go.
Okay, let me transfer you to service, okay?
Okay, motherfucker.
Sir, if you're using that language, I can really help you.
I wasn't talking, I didn't mean you.
I was talking to the person here next to me at the casino.
Hello?
Hey, honey, baby, how are you?
Hello?
Good, thank you.
Who's this?
Oh, the Odyssey does not go.
Yeah, the Odyssey doesn't go.
Okay, do you want to bring it in for service?
Well, no, why doesn't it go?
Why doesn't it go?
I don't know.
Make it go.
I need you to make it go.
Can you send your engineer over to make it go?
Fuck that idea.
Fuck those people.
We're calling Plumbers Furniture in West L.A.
Don't miss out on Plumbers' new fall collection just in.
Bedroom, living room, office, and accessories.
Plumbers has everything you dream of for your home.
Our showroom is filled with fresh new color,
I don't care.
I don't care.
invalid entry please try again we're located at 88
venice we're located at 88
yeah hey hello yeah hi yes how can i help you i'm supposed to meet someone there to fight
inside the restaurant is there a young mexican man there at what time um and like now i'm supposed
supposed to fight him now uh how he looks he's a ugly mexican black hair why you say ugly mexico
i'm gonna fight him we're gonna fight i'm upset at him oh i have to call the security no no but
just see if he's there and i'll come no he's not here well he are you the fucking mexican woman
there what's that noise tax machine problems hide from your problems yeah hi i'm calling from the
the corporate office we need you to check your breakers please the breakers your power breakers
one thing i'm calling i'm calling from the corporate office where the corporate office i
need you to check your power breakers please okay can you check to see if any of them are
tripped and then go ahead and reset the main one please what are you calling from i'm sorry i'm
calling from power the power machines corporate office okay problem yeah yeah you have to recycle
your power can you kind of hurry up a little bit sir can you kind of hurry as fast as you can
yeah i'm trying to do my best hold on because it's taking a long time already okay i mean
everything is fine here turn off the power and then turn it back on sir i'm not the guy that
handles this you need to do it you need to do it hurry up find the main box i thought you
went to go to the box where did you go then go to the back go to the back i have no idea
Go to the back, motherfucker.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Fuck you in the ass, motherfucker.
Job to do.
Fuck you in the ass, motherfucker.
I'm calling from a casino.
Hey, it's the dentist again.
Yeah, hi.
I'm calling from the casino.
Apparently, someone just urinated inside the pool.
What do we do to make it go?
Pool store, man.
Yeah, so...
We sell pool supplies.
We don't do service on a pool.
Yeah, but you tell me what I need to do.
Chlorine to it?
How much?
How much...
I wouldn't be able to tell you.
How big is the pool?
I mean, it's like an Olympic-sized pool.
You know what? I say you call your pullman for that.
He's like a 50-year-old guy, and he was eating asparagus.
Yeah, I would call your pullman.
Well, this is the number that they left for me.
I've only been here a few weeks.
You gave the number to the sport?
I'm the new pool guy, but I'm not qualified.
Like, I lied and stuff on my resume to get the job.
Sometimes I just, what I do usually is I just watch the YouTube video on how to do the thing, and I do it.
How much chlorine for one person urinating?
Like a full bladder.
He said he had a full bladder.
We have him here.
Like, you know, he's in the break area in the back where we put thieves.
Come on.
Where'd you hang up, motherfucker?
Excuse me?
Where'd you hang up, you motherfucker?
Who's this?
This is Cross.
I'm the pool guy at the casino.
Who's this?
This is Tyler.
Yeah, so don't be an asshole.
Help me out.
You got a job I got.
I want to go home, too, okay?
I just answered the phone.
I don't know who this is.
Yeah, but I have to go home, you know?
It's going to be my time to go home in two hours.
I have to fix this.
What do I do?
I just answered the phone.
I have no idea who this is or what you're talking about.
I'm at the casino, and I'm the pool man, but I'm not qualified.
They just hired me, and I lied to get the job.
I've only been here a few weeks,
so I guess the alarm went off because a man urinated in the pool.
So I need to know how much of what do I need to put.
i've got like solution a solution b here um i don't know if i mixed them and put them in or
i don't know we don't do service work out of here we're strictly holding yeah but you answer
the questions there all the time about what to put in a man urinated he was 50 years old
and he had a full bladder and he had eaten asparagus he said okay and he peed in the pool
Okay.
So we need to know exactly how much of what to put in there to get it out.
Just throw some chlorine in there.
It depends how big the pool is and everything.
It's an Olympic-sized pool machine.
That doesn't...
I need to know...
You need to know exactly how big the pool is.
It goes like 12 feet.
Okay, you're just...
You're going to add chlorine or...
You're just going to add chlorine or shock to it.
How much?
I need to know the gallon size.
I don't know the gallon size.
I don't know either.
I don't know how to do that.
How do I find that out?
I don't know.
No, you'd have to... I don't know.
Can you look up on the computer?
Well, no, it doesn't say.
Can you log into the casino system and find out for me on the computer?
I don't... No, I cannot do that right now.
Please?
I have a line of people I need to deal with now.
Yeah, I need to go home, too. I go home in an hour and a half.
Okay. I cannot... No, we cannot give answers for this like this.
Who do I call?
Orange, what you would add to it.
Who do I call?
I don't know for chemistry.
I have no idea.
We're strictly wholesale.
We don't do service work, so I'm not familiar with that.
You're a motherfucker, you know that?
You know exactly what it is you're doing.
And I don't need you speaking like that with me.
Yeah, fuck you.
No one is available to take your call right now.
Lizzie J, Buddhist Bihar.
Hello?
Is this Buddhist House?
Yes.
Oh, good.
I wanted to come.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do you have a policy against short shorts?
shorts it's not really appropriate would you wear short shorts to a church but this isn't church
i don't believe in church i don't believe in it i believe in i want to believe in buddha buddha
i see but even here in america what's i see what's that what's that stand for i see i you said the
letters i see what does that stand for what letters i see you said i see i don't know what
what that means i'm not young i don't know like those terms like that oh no i wasn't saying that
what i was saying was that short shorts is really i mean even for an american church
it's inappropriate okay um should i keep my pants on then while i'm there i don't understand my
pants should i keep the pants on them do you understand i know i i really don't when i go
go there i should keep my pants on right not take them off okay right i'm not supposed to take my
pants off you know and if i have to use the bathroom i go to the bathroom if i have to pee
or poo i go into the bathroom not there where i'm sitting okay yeah and i'll wash my hands after
and then i come sit down and i'm quiet again right right okay so and i go to the bathroom and i go to
to the toilet and i close the door and i pull my down my pants and then i pull down my underwears
and then i sit on the toilet right when i have to go to the bathroom i sit on the toilet after i do
all that and then i push out the feces right it goes into the toilet then i take some paper and
i clean my asshole until i know that there's no more coming off on the toilet paper and i put that
that in the toilet and i flush the toilet right hello hello sir hello there she goes there she
goes speaking of toilet i need water i need water hello yes washington irving library oh you don't
have to be like that i'm sorry no i didn't hear you all i heard was music in the background i was
just listening oh that's the stupid people here play music too loud um i have a question about
About your bathroom?
Uh-huh.
Are the sinks in the...
Is there a handicap stall with a sink inside of it, or is the sink outside?
Is it a handicap sink inside or outside?
The sink in the bathroom.
Is there one in the handicap stall separate from the others, or are they all just outside of the stalls?
They're outside of the stalls.
The sinks are low enough for the wheelchair, if a person is in a wheelchair.
Yeah, because a lot of places have their own sink.
Thank you, Steve.
Okay.
Because I need to take a bath, so I wanted to preferably...
Is there a door, like a lock on the door to the bathroom?
No, you can't take baths in our bathroom.
But I have to.
Please, I don't have anywhere else to go.
It's an urban library.
How may I help you?
Yeah, is there a man I can talk to?
A man?
Mm-hmm.
No.
Are there no men?
No, there aren't.
I have an issue, but I just talked to a very rude woman,
and I think maybe a man would understand a little better my situation.
There is no man, no.
Oh, did I just talk to you?
No.
Okay, I need you to know about the bathroom.
Okay, what about it?
Well, is there a way I could have at least five minutes private time in the bathroom
and take a bath in the sink?
No.
This is a public facility and that's against all the rules.
Well, no, there's no written rule specifically about it.
And I did it.
I've done it before.
One of the guys that works there, he lets me do it on slow days.
He says, you know, come on.
No, you've got the wrong branch, then.
No, no, no, this is the branch.
There's no guy that works here that would let you do that.
It's been a while.
You're across from the church, from the Catholic church.
That's where I eat.
If that person's dad, then that person's gone.
Because that person's not here anymore.
I know, that's why I just didn't come in.
You could get in trouble.
No, we don't.
Please, but I need...
I'm poor.
I don't have a house, and I need to take a bath.
There are places that you can go.
No.
They said no.
There's all kinds of places.
No, you can't.
Well, I'm trying to speak to you.
You know why they said no?
Because I don't have any pants on.
Well, then we don't want you here either.
We've got little children here.
But I don't have any pants.
Well, then you're going to have to go find some because there is some for everyone.
Where can I go?
The Catholic Church, I just went to the church across the street that said get out.
The bishop came out and said, get the H-E-L-L-I.
Well, what makes you think we could do that here?
If they, you know, we have people in here of all ages and many children.
We do not condone that.
We cannot.
How come?
If you lost your pants, you need to go find them.
They've been gone for a few days now.
Well, then, you know, you need to, no.
You know what I suggest?
Call 3-1-1 and explain your situation, and they will hook you up with the right people.
I don't have a phone, though.
You are talking on one right now.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll use this phone.
I'll call on this phone.
Just call 3-1-1.
It's a toll-free number, and you tell them your situation, and they will hook you up with the right people.
All right, so then I get pants, and then I can come in and take a bath.
No, you cannot come in and take a bath, but you can come in.
Okay.
And if you try to come in and take a bath, we will call security.
Can I use the toilet?
Absolutely, but you cannot lock the bathroom, and you cannot come in here and take a bath.
But the toilet is closed in, right?
No one can see me doing my business?
so then I can use the toilet
I can bring the water up from the toilet
and kind of put it under my arm
no you can't do that
yes I can
you won't know
they won't
you can't
it's private
listen
do what I ask you to do
and they will hook you up
with people you can actually take a shower
alright
okay
tell them what you need
and where you
alright
okay
alright
bye
thank you
hello restaurant world
yes
yeah I need to make an order
hello
I need to make an order
okay
and what do you need
One meat.
One meat.
One bread.
Sorry, we don't sell food here.
One eggs.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, we don't sell food here.
It's restaurant world, motherfucker.
So what?
So you have food.
No, I don't sell food, motherfucker.
Want food?
No, no food.
Food.
Hey.
Food.
Food.
What's up?
Food.
Yeah, what's up?
Food.
Food.
Food.
Food.
Food.
What the hell?
What's going on?
Food.
Food.
Food.
Yay.
Yay.
Foo.
Food, food.
Yeah, what's up?
Foo, foo.
Are you high or something, man?
What the heck?
I have foo.
Yay.
That was a good call.
Yay.
A tire machine.
All right.
I had a question about my tires.
They're 195, 65R, 15.
Uh-huh.
How many springs are inside of it?
Each tire.
How many springs are inside a tire machine?
Mm-hmm.
It depends on the tire machine.
Yeah, but, no, the tire itself.
How many springs are inside the tire?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Now, how does it bounce?
What's that?
How does it bounce?
Well, I think, do you put air in the tire?
Of course.
What's that?
Of course.
Yeah.
Well, how many springs?
Right.
I'm sorry?
How many springs make it bounce like that?
A hundred.
It must be pretty small ones.
Well, check your springs.
I don't know how without damaging the tire.
You can't open up the tire.
That's right.
You can't open up the tire to count without damaging it, you know?
Well, no, no.
We have x-ray vision here.
I can bring my tire down?
No, she didn't pick.
Ask everyone what she knows.
Hello?
See what I'm going to tell you?
It's not right, though.
It's not right at all.
Looking on various street corners, I'm sure you see what's standing on the corner is an
alleged brother dressed in blue.
No, wait.
Gerardo speaking.
How can I help you?
Hey.
How are you?
How are you doing?
Hey, how are you?
Can I make an order?
Yeah, what do you have?
One bread.
Mm-hmm.
One cheese.
One meat.
Okay.
What do you want to get?
One bread, one cheese, one meat.
Okay, what is that?
What kind of bread?
What kind of cheese?
It's a sandwich.
Yeah.
What kind of sandwich?
Meat sandwich.
What else?
Gummy bears.
Gummy bears.
Yeah.
Red bull.
Panic kill.
Uh-huh.
Pistachio.
Okay.
Pizza.
Yeah.
Chicken fingers.
Really?
French fries.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right.
Skittles.
Uh-huh.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
Okay.
Just give me a second, please.
Thank you for waiting.
What's your name?
All right.
Cross.
I'm sorry?
Cross.
Cross, okay.
Okay.
Okay, what are you getting?
One Subway Club, footlong, on Italian.
I'll have yellow American cheese.
Veggies are lettuce.
Okay, give me, give me, give me a second, please.
Lettuce and onion veggies.
Mustard.
Can you slow down, please?
Mustard, mayo, salt, pepper, or vinegar.
Can you slow down, please?
No.
So it's a footlong Subway Club, what kind of bread?
On the Italian.
Okay.
Okay, we only carry white Americans, is that okay with you?
Alright.
Okay, you want a toaster?
No.
Okay, what kind of veggies would you like, lettuce?
Lettuce, onion.
Onion, okay.
Okay, mustard and mayo.
Mustard, mayo.
Salt, pepper.
Okay.
And motherfucker.
Same to you, man.
Yeah, fuck you, did you write it all down, stupid?
You wrote it for nothing?
You wrote it for nothing?
Thank you so much.
Listen, they're laughing at you over there.
They're laughing because you're a monkey.
Listen to them laughing.
Come and kiss my dick, dude.
Kiss my dick, man.
My name is Robin.
Green, red, and black.
And spouting the news that the revolution is coming,
and you better get ready.
It's sort of like the end of the world is coming.
Unfortunately, the world is just going to drag on and on.
We have a poem that we've written particularly for the brothers on the street corners.
Thank you.
Do I have a bathroom?
Do we?
Yes, we do.
All right, can I take a bath in there?
Where are you calling from, though?
From outside, my cell phone.
Where are you at?
A few blocks down.
I need to take a bath.
Okay, are you going to take a pee or what?
Well, I'm going to use the sink and clean my armpits and stuff.
No, you cannot do that.
All right, okay, I'll just pee, I'll just pee.
Washington Dog and Cat Hospital, is this an emergency or can I put you on hold?
Uh...
Is this an emergency or can I put you on hold?
Yeah, uh...
Sir, I need a, I need a yes or a no.
Good afternoon, Washington Dog and Cat Hospital, may you please hold?
Um, hello?
Hello, may you please hold?
Uh...
Please hold.
Is your pet continuously scratching, itching, rubbing or licking or suffering from other skin irritations?
It might be horny.
Washington Dog and Cat Hospital team member returns to the line.
Ask us how we can assist you with skin care, allergy treatment and testing or medicated shampoos for your pet.
We know that you've called us today because of the care we give your pet.
We thank you for trusting us with your other family members.
this is taking too long it's better to call and just
good afternoon washington dog and cat hospital is this an emergency or can i put you on hold
um yeah uh what is this an emergency or can i put you on hold uh i'm not sure how can i help you
you sir uh the uh the dog um you know i need you to explain what you're trying to say to me
i am not understanding you what dog it doesn't go the dog doesn't go she probably thinks a bit
like it won't shit or something okay i'm done bye
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