It Tastes Like Copper Pennies

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Matt House Radio for September 11th, Patriots Day, yeah.

With me here tonight is none other than KDK.

How you doing, man?

It's actually real fun.

Fabulous.

And we're having trouble getting Milkman on the line.

I am having trouble.

Let's not pretend like this is some studio here.

I am having trouble getting Milkman back on the line.

He was on earlier, but in our work now.

Shit.

I got nothing going on tomorrow, really, so we can go on as late as we want.

As late as I can.

Be sure to visit madhouselive.com and prankpollnation.com.

Those are our websites.

Be sure to visit our Patreon page.

Links are at the PCN website.

Chat room is open.

Be sure to register your nick.

Follow the instructions there on the page.

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Register a nickname.

Join the chat room.

All are welcome as long as you behave.

Let's hear it for behaving.

I'll keep trying to get Milkman here for the next few minutes.

it's he said he was with a customer yeah i think he's just with a customer can't pick up it's just

his internet connection problem i know that's on my end or his shouldn't be mine because i'm doing

okay everywhere else i don't have numbers really so i can just cherry pick off google maps and if

you're in a chat room you can send me those requests send me requests in the chat room

send me a private message and i'll be sure to do my best to do it let me go ahead and look at the

maps of what we got for now i gotta get with loans i've been looking for a lot i've been

looking out for a lonesome loser all week just to touch base with him on me trying to get a

regularly scheduled night

again. You know what I mean?

And working around his schedule.

Of course, and I've got other hosts now

on the air also. So, Thursday

night might not be the best night to do the show.

But I would like to return

to doing regular Madhouse shows, I think.

I think I'm there.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm looking at Atlantic City.

I heard it's pretty dead here as of late.

All may be recorded for quality

assurance. I assure you it is being

recorded.

worded hey big girl how you doing oh not good not good at all um i need to talk to the pit boss

the pit boss she can't even speak english of las vegas total rewards allows you to earn the

experiences you want for doing the things you love in the destination you dream to visit learn

more at total rewards.com or log into access your account and review your offers like total

YOLO, YOLO, YOLO.

What's up, man?

It's Chris, man.

Hey, Milkman.

I got to call you back.

I'm going to call you right back.

You calling Skype?

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Okay, okay.

Hey, lady.

What's going on with you?

You're not the pit boss.

Showboat is closed, sir.

You call a showboat.

They don't have a pit boss.

You call a showboat.

What's showboat?

What is it, like a sexual dancing place?

No, this showboat is a casino, sir.

A casino?

where can i see some sexual dancing i don't know they're closed they're closed and i don't want to

deal with the motherfucker okay fuck turn the call i think it's a problem on this laptop hey

i got you milkman's here yay milkman

Yeah!

I need to generally see my husband's madhouse.

What the hell's going on, my brother?

What are you doing?

That's what I'm talking about.

Let's get some thangs a-rangin', man.

A rang-a-thang or two.

Hey, KDK's on the line, too, tonight.

He's listening.

He's with us.

He's on Skype.

Hi!

KDK!

All right!

Hi, girlfriend!

All right, Milkman.

Settle down, buddy.

Are you with a customer now?

No.

Uh-uh.

I'm between customers.

Oh, you're between customers right now?

Nice.

Yes.

Nice.

Very nice.

I'm available, baby.

Do you like the casino?

Do you like going to the casino?

I like the casino.

Yeah.

It was a good trip.

It was real good.

I liked it, man.

No, do you like going to casinos?

Do I like going to casinos?

Yeah.

No.

No?

You don't ever go?

Stop driving, because you're choppy choppy.

Following options, this call may be monitored for quality assurance.

Stop driving right now, right where you are.

For hotel reservation, press 1.

For hotel, convention, or dining reservations, press 2.

To contact your casino host, press 3.

For upcoming show information...

My casino host.

I don't know if this is the casino itself or some kind of fancy little thing where you

gotta...

Hey, Venus, how you doing, big girl?

Excuse me?

How you doing, big girl, big Venus?

Is that your name?

No, not at all.

What was it, Big Vina?

Hello?

Oh, attitude.

And they wonder why they're losing all their business to the other casinos.

And the other parts of the Northeast.

She's just big, man.

She's big, man.

She's big.

Don't fall.

Settle down, man.

Hello.

Thank you for calling the Trump Taj Mahal.

Please select from the following options.

This call may be monitored for quality assurance.

For Trump, one member reservation.

We're going to three?

Yeah, it was three, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You don't know.

Thank you for calling the Taj Mahal.

During speaking, may I help you?

Hello, this is a totally different person.

I need to speak to the pit boss, please.

Hello, please.

This is Taj Mahal.

This is during speaking, may I help you?

Listen, this is serious.

Damn it.

I need to talk to the casino people.

Excuse me?

I need to talk to a man in the suit.

A man in the suit I got to talk to.

You see what I mean?

Bad, horrible, horrible customer service.

Milkman, you don't talk to your customers like that.

That's horrible service, man.

man. You need to talk to somebody in the

cage. Tell them. Hey, Milkman.

Milkman, when you drive Uber, do you

have... Door manager. Do they tell you

you should do a fist bump at the end of the ride?

Is that true with Uber?

Always, man.

You always do that, dude.

I mean, that's the signal. That's how you know if you've got

the right customer or not. They give you a fist bump

back. Really? Yeah.

I just read that Uber

encourages its drivers to do a fist bump.

But not a lot of them do it, I heard.

yeah man that's the way they do it dude yeah and when i do it in my taxi man i just take my fist

and then i uncurl just the middle finger and pop it up and start pumping it too oh you're an

asshole you're an asshole you're an asshole to your customers too they start getting wet

and oh dude it gets so hot man the girl's really big that shit all right what we got here i think

we got a lady walking the street yeah honk your horn i mean she'll come over like in grand theft

No, she looked like some retard, man.

She looked about like a goofball.

You sure?

You should have tried.

Sometimes they do.

Oh my God, I can't hear shit at these motherfuckers.

Or stay on the line for additional options.

Fuck Mouth Woman.

No, fuck that place.

Is there a casino in San Francisco, Milkman?

Or you got to drive pretty far?

Yeah?

That was great.

I had no idea.

Thank you for calling the spas at Borgata and the Water Club.

To make an appointment for Spa Takari, the salon, or the barbershop at Borgata, please press 1.

To make an appointment for Immersion Spa at the Water Club, please press 2.

I'm not trying to make reservations.

Okay, shut up.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is that Jackie?

Jackie.

Hi, ma'am.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from Time Warner Cable.

I see you had an issue here with your bill, 33%.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, how are you?

I'm not good.

I'm not good at all.

I see that you had, and I don't really appreciate asking,

I see that you had an issue here with your bill that wasn't resolved over the phone.

I wanted to get a survey, see how you felt about your interaction,

and I might be able to accommodate that for you.

Okay.

All right, so how did you feel that the call went itself when you spoke to this agent?

We have their information.

And the record, how would you describe the experience, Poe?

Would you be satisfied or not satisfied or somewhere in between?

Not satisfied.

And why is that?

Because she didn't really seem to care what I was asking for

or she didn't even seem to try to look into what I was asking for.

Okay.

She was just like, this is the way it is and sorry, I can't do anything.

Yeah, because we have a new corporate.

I think there was a little confusion on her part because we have a new corporate policy we unveiled Friday, a week ago, tomorrow, which is that the customer is not always right and that the customer service agents need to defend themselves.

Okay.

Do you understand my meaning?

Not really, but...

Well, the customer service...

I mean, I understand what you're saying, but it doesn't sound like it's a good policy.

Well, because there's a lot of abusive, what we call PETA customers, P-I-T-A.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Pain in the ass customers, and you came up as one of those.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you did, because the customer, our employee felt very unhappy with the way you talked to her.

She marked down your tone of voice as very rude.

She said that you were.

Well, that's crap.

I mean, you can go and listen to it, and you'll see that.

Well, we did, yeah.

We actually graded you on the call, and you scored a 42%, which is an I, considered incomplete.

complete so then you get 60 days to you need to have two more evaluations by us and if those calls

go up above 70 then you'll be able to stay as a customer of ours if not then we would have to

terminate you that's a really weird policy yeah well basically you know we've always had to do

this with our employees they always get three calls of the monitored a week and scored on a

a hundred point scale and we have a whole list of things that we score them all you know tone of

voice you know completeness empathy stuff like that and uh you know so now we're turning that

we're doing we're doing that we're holding our customers to the same standards when they call

us and talk to our people i we think we feel corporately now that our customers should be

held to the same standards as our employees right that's only fair so now you have you have to

to behave on the phone, or you get written up for a 60-day warning.

Well, you know, I do agree that people should not be screaming at each other

or treat each other unfairly.

Yeah, well, part of my language, but you were a real asshole on the call.

Well, that's not true.

Well.

So, I mean, either you didn't really listen to my call or...

Well, I graded it myself. I graded it.

I mean, the score is a score, what you got.

You're misinformed then.

All right, so I can go ahead and take care of bringing your bill.

It's going to be now fixed.

We're reducing it.

It's going to be only maxed out at the amount of your last statement.

That will be the highest your bill can ever be.

But we have to charge you a $45 stupid bitch fee now on your next bill.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Right.

An asshole customer fee.

be yeah well i'm gonna charge you the same so yeah milkman did you hear that milkman you hear that

but let me try now and now it's playing on the outside you black motherfucker hello hi yeah hi

how are you i see you had an ad here you have an odyssey yeah okay bitch hey motherfucker how you

doing i see you got an odyssey go-kart for sale or the big tires yeah yeah my one one's my got the

a big car yeah okay um can i um try driving inside your house inside the house i want to

try driving it inside your house inside your house you're stupid i'm gonna drive it inside

your house this is cross cross that's me you asked who it was stupid motherfucker you have a

tiller whatever fucking good milkman hey i'm not hearing you you're not saying anything it sounds

like you have me on mute and i'm looking at the screen and your little window doesn't light up

so i don't see that you're talking all right i hope you figure out how to talk into the phone

hey you got some stuff for sale i see

yeah yeah what do you got there a square baler yes sir i got a square baler and a hay rake and

a sickle mower okay all right um i want to buy it then do you think it can how many people can

sit on top i want to have sex on it well you better talk to somebody else i'm gonna talk to

you motherfucker tell me how many sex can you have on it how many people oh baby baby

Baby, la-la-loo-la-la.

All has been forwarded to an automated voice.

XYZ sells an ad for a lost drone.

Sends an ad for a lost drone.

And we'll check that out.

There's a GoPro camera on board.

Good, good.

Blue slash black 3D robotics aerial drone.

I need a GoPro.

Oh, you're back.

Hey, where have you been?

What's your problem?

What are you doing to me?

I'm trying to tell you I'm working, dude.

Dude, I mean, you know, you want to, like, do a show, and then the other fucking night, I'm off, you know, you want to do a show on the night I'm working.

You're killing me.

I'm going to have to put you on schedule, I guess.

I guess so.

You're killing me, man.

If we're going to, like, start doing Thursdays again, I mean, like, man, we need to, like, schedule this.

Start scheduling it, too.

All right, listen, I'm calling someone on the lost, uh, drone, okay?

I hope you enjoy it.

All right.

Play music.

Don't play no music.

No music.

I have music.

have you talked to the dad yeah he was on the air recently you should call him up music no music

all right i haven't i haven't heard from the dad in uh like months yeah call him up dude he said

he's doing some kind of show during the day or something talk to him i don't know hi this is

chuck i will talk as soon as i can thank you welcome you sound like a homo so do you oh now

Now that you mention it, I wasn't talking about you, but...

You're the big one.

Come on.

I said no music.

I don't know why you don't understand.

What part of no music you don't understand?

I'm sorry, that was me.

You can play music.

You're in the show to ruin.

I can't talk right now, but, uh...

I'm your dad's old girlfriend.

Pretty gay.

Or freaking gay.

I'm KDK, too, if I call, man.

oh yeah i'll get around that's what he says all right someone else will send me a number here

steve asking more all right natasha is a leader of the protesting in ferguson steven overheard

her yelling on a youtube video yelling at her phone number giving it out so this is public

guys public record you like to get funky i like all the good stuff man punk godelic man eddie

hazel the man hi how are you good this it's uh cross and i'm here with the milkman he's a former

musician he used to perform with parliament funkadelic and who else milkman he says i play

with eddie hazel man eddie haze eddie haze eddie hazel man yeah yeah that so we wanted to uh play

for you guys you know in solidarity we wanted to play a guitar you're you've been organizing

to protesting oh come on she's scared it's held high she's like oh no this is some white people

this is a white middle finger up your ass too if you hang up again motherfucker milkman i had

a dream i was last night i was learning to play the mandolin you gave me a mandolin and i was

learning to play it online it was so good i want to get a mandolin that'd be pimp that's so cool

man i could help you for spanish music player yeah it's hard to find a mandolin player you know

will you get a nice mandolin like it's a smaller dude you got a skill to play mandolin you ever

see how the size of the frets perpetrated yeah they're small yeah but i'd rather play a mandolin

than a guitar so you're saying i'd have to learn the guitar first then the mandolin no no you don't

have to learn anything first you learn whichever one you want first oh if you could play a mandolin

man like starting out dude you've already got some pretty good skill set man because they already

start out very tiny man okay yeah i know they do start out tiny you're right yeah but i don't know

i thought it'd be easier yeah the fret distances are very small i mean you know you might your

cheeto might be small enough too and you might be able to play with your cheeto man with my dick

i think we already heard this part but anyway we're not getting an answer at this number here

unfortunately

you get some coolo jazz in a second

and put my ass

up to the front.

Here's the tripod deer hunt

stand. Yeah.

Man, why you only smoke OG Kush? That's like

so cliche, isn't it?

Isn't it like so mainstream?

Yeah, but there's so many others.

What are you messing

with some of the other hybrids, man?

There's some other cool shit.

You gotta like recheck yourself, dude.

I like GDP, man. I'm like a

serious granddaddy purple, man.

GDP. Grandfuckin' daddy purple.

And that's about the top of the line.

And GBP, if you're hitting around GBP, man, you're in happy land.

That strain is whack.

That's not a good strain.

That's so...

Cushies are fruity, dude.

If you like cushies, if you like something that's got, like, a lot of indica back,

but, like, a sweet indica flavor or a sweet sativa flavor added to it,

like cherry or something like that, usually cushies are like that.

Have you had juicy fruit?

They've got a nice, heavy indica, but they've got, like, a smell and a flavor

It's kind of flowery, usually a sativa.

That's why they're so popular.

They bake it like an indica, but they got a real nice sweet flavor and aroma.

It's like a sativa.

Drugs, yeah.

Have you tried Jedi Death Star yet?

Never heard of that.

I've seen Omni-Luke, Luke Skywalker, and that kind of shit.

I've seen Fax Kamushka.

Have you tried White Donkey?

What?

Donkey?

I've had White Rhino.

I've had White Fire.

wire i've had white platinum yeah there's white donkey there's white donkey yeah what about green

crack you try green crack green crack is fucking good dude if you ever had it man i never have i'm

just thinking of ones that i present man it's got a lot of resin to it man so when you hit it man

it's got like a real thick resiny smoke oh okay yeah all right i see very nice very nice uh

bake you up sativa why don't you try um getting a job at one of those places you seem to know your

stuff when it comes to it you know this you know just because i know what i like doesn't mean i

want to work there now why you don't want to you want to be driving on your ass all the time

you can go in there and work places dude i mean all that and like time wasted for almost

fucking no money and just to sit and hang out with a bunch of stone people yeah you can get paid you

You can make a living.

You can play the guitar for them all the time.

I could get stoned and stay home and not get paid for it and not get paid for it and not

get paid for it.

Oh, whatever.

That's true.

But what you want.

I'm trying to work at one of those places.

I'm just not interested, man.

I can be a delivery guy for all that.

I'm just not interested in that.

Well, if he doesn't want to help people, I can't do anything for him.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm really not, I'm not that active, except that I'm more of a knowledgeable

and I didn't like hook you up, kind of like up and down.

Here's someone who was given away a Pomeranian puppy and then put an ad in to let everyone

know.

Thank you, but the Pomeranian puppy has been given away.

Now I'm calling.

Tell him you had a Pomeranian puppy on your key ring and you wanted to affect the right

word.

Yeah.

Hi, is Mary there?

I was calling because of the phone sex.

Huh?

I was calling for phone sex with Mary.

Hold on.

Don't go.

Hello?

whole time I was

Slow-mo non-English hang-up I've heard in ages

I know, right?

What is he, like, 95?

Yeah, what's going on?

Put Mary on the fax machine

Hello? Hello, sir?

He was there

You pick up.

Hello, how are you?

I see you have some milk replacement.

He's been sold it.

What do you mean?

He sold it?

Yeah.

Well, he's a motherfucker.

Well, you go to hell.

No, you go to hell for selling it, motherfucker.

Dude.

You go to hell.

I'm right in front of the Garden of Eden, dude.

Y'all see all these fucking hoes hanging out here, man?

The Jose's?

Yeah.

Fucking hoe bags.

Pick one up.

Nice wax on them, man.

Pick one up.

Nah, look at you, skanky, dude.

Dude, it's all janky and shit.

Dude, they want money, man.

I don't want that shit.

I don't want to pay.

Come on.

You don't want to get your dick sucked, man.

What's this fucking bitch bag at?

Come on, man.

Honk your horn.

This is the fucking shit that pisses me off.

See, I got to stop now, and I got to call this motherfucker, and I'm going to lose you.

Hello.

We have an answering machine.

Oh.

Okay.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing good.

That's good.

Who's this?

oh my name is cross i'm good to talk to you god bless you god bless everything tonight right

sure yeah i see you got an ipod classic that you're trying to sell i'm trying to get rid of

here sure god bless you god bless everything

hey you were just dealing with american income i'm unable to come to the

Oh stupid

Bookman

He called and he's just playing Bob Marley really loud

Oh

He muted us

Whatever

Double swap shot

And I'm going to the West Coast

Cause Jersey just sold

You know the color, the villains in black

Always down, I make noise

Unless you wanna come with it

And make your face like a target

And close your eyes when I hit with fear

But it's with fear that you're screaming

You're waking up in a sweat

Cause Rin is giving back dreams

And I'm not scheming, I'm just telling the facts

That's how it is when a W-A starts to jack

So brother, you wanna scrap with me

That's wheezing and sneezing, won't last a lap with me

Begging to write some lyrics with me

I just snatch your girl to take a nap with me

Cause when it's to Rin, there's no comparison

And if you're trying to be me, it's quite embarrassing

But I understand cause you're mentally slow

Cause I can tell from the jump

You're too nervous to go

From today, me, black

These guys, you lost the crowd

And cause your sweat is a puddle

But they're the puddles of sweat

I'm a threat, so get a cold wrap

Your face to cause act

Being that you can jack

Well, the punch will go

That's known as a point

But it's a point that I'm making like devil

Hello, 7-Eleven, correct?

Yes

Okay, that's not how you answer the phone

Hello?

Yeah, you say, hello, 7-Eleven, how can I help you?

I'm calling from the corporate office

Okay

Okay, what's your name?

good pit good pit yeah all right um do you have benchwood there bank benchwood benchwood maybe

okay who on this one no manager is not here okay owner owner is not here tomorrow morning is coming

oh okay i need to talk to a customer excuse me i need to talk to a customer okay excuse me i need

to talk to customer oh and this one has no customer okay why and there's no customer there

the customers are on vacation yeah oh wow all of them already customer here

oh wow the customers on all the customers on vacation that's not good customer is already

what's that noise

let me talk to the customer

I need to talk on the phone to the customer

she just told me the customers are on vacation

god damn it

damn her

acting like she don't understand

I'm open

I'm from the streets, so yo, I'm ready to go.

Yo, red, black, these are about to attack.

Disturbed sign isn't a fact.

While I'm thinking of a fool to select.

To give the victim the verdict.

So for the verdict, the victim slamming my...

Then I kick them.

And peep out the bailer.

And get a new track of drums.

So I can play percussion.

Pump it up when I'm on the floor.

Yo, you wanna play my game?

Put on a uniform.

It ain't a rule in the book.

Yeah, I have to go by.

Hey, cause when it comes to cheating,

you know I prefer in the heart.

Because it's a heart full of fear

Because what you hear in your ear

Is something that was incredible

Yo, but Renny was super, but now I'm ruthless

A civilian and not a trooper, but a soldier

If you're looking for a schedule, directions, or other information

About any of our locations

Please visit our website, thetiggerpeople.com

All of our classes are great for beginners

Alright, yoga's closed

I sent you some hotel check-ins

Ah, yes you did, alright, let me get them

That you're a sucker and you're too nervous to go.

For calling the Hilton's of Branson and the Branson Convention Center,

please choose from the following options.

For reservations, press 1.

For the Hilton promenade at Branson Landing, press 2.

For the Hilton, please wait while I transfer your call.

For yourself, White Hilton.

1, 2, 3.

Thank you for calling Hilton's of Branson.

This is Jamie.

How may I direct your call?

Yes, I need to speak to a guest, Mr. Rob Windsor.

Okay, one moment, sir.

I'll say a bullshit no.

Let me transfer you just here.

Here you fucking go.

She didn't give me a hard time.

Well, she's in brand something, so that's a hard time on a daily basis for her.

The hotel guest you have called is unavailable.

You may leave a private recorded message at the tone or press zero and the hotel operator...

I won't leave a public recorded message, motherfucker.

Message complete.

You are being transferred and the hotel operator will assist you.

you go back to his hotel what the fuck you ask for him so it doesn't seem sneaky

there's nothing like a great cup of coffee i'm sorry the attendant did not answer

the hotel guest you have called transfer fail access denied at least they're honest

you failed thank you for calling the hiltons of branson and the branson convention center

Please wait while I transfer your calls.

I refuse to wait.

As of the new Morning Burn coffee, created exclusively for Hilton.

This is Hilton Promenade. This is Keith. I can help you this evening.

How you doing there, Keith? I'm trying to get to my brother's room, please.

Okay.

And the last name is going to be Windsor.

First name will be Robert.

W-I-N-D-S-O-R?

Yeah.

What was the first name again?

Robert. Sometimes when he's with his lover, he goes by Robbie.

I got a Rob. Would that be the one?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he just shortened up to Robert.

That's room number two.

This is like a four-year.

All right.

I'm going to transfer you up in just one second.

All right.

All right, thank you, sir.

Enjoy your night.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

How to keep their young ones...

Hey, these people are...

I'm going to look at Branson again.

Pull that up in a minute.

I know Weird Al has a theater up there.

Not Weird Al.

Yakov Smirnoff.

Yakov.

What a country.

The hotel guest you have called is unavailable.

Well, shit.

This is Dwight at the front desk.

Pack your shit.

Yeah.

Dude, Branson sounds like a great place to fuck around with.

Let me, before we do another one of those,

here's a place called Old Chicago.

I always hear, like, people, like,

when they're trying to make fun of, like, a shitty vacation,

they're always going to fucking Branson for some reason.

You could go to Niagara Falls.

That sounds pretty shitty, too.

I guess it's pretty because of the falls.

Come back to me.

Thanks for, uh, thank you for calling Chicago.

This is Todd.

I can help you.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, I was just in the restroom, and there was two men having oral sex in there.

Okay, thanks.

Can you go in there and find out?

Um, I'll send somebody, yeah.

I'm going to stay on the line.

I want a full status report.

Whatever.

I don't know why I did that.

Came off too strong, right?

He sounded gay.

That's okay.

It's okay to be gay.

No problem with that.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

All right, here's Leandro Kamani.

Sounds like it might be

Oh look he's at the Bellagio

I was just calling the Bellagio

But this is the Vegas Bellagio

This is the Bellagio Hotel

How may I direct your call?

Yes I need to speak to a guest there

My brother Leandro

What's his last name?

Kamani

C-A-M-A-N-I

C-A

M-A

N-I

I don't know anything

Fucking shit

Shit. Fucking shit.

I'm not showing him registers, though.

Well, you're fucking stupid, then.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able to help you if you're going to talk to me like that.

Well, you're fucking stupid and useless. I don't need you, stupid motherfucker.

I'm going to hang up now.

Oh, thank you for announcing.

I have your number, and we're not...

I'm not going to help you if you're going to treat me that way.

All right, I'm coming in to cheat a blackjack, okay?

Go ahead.

Okay, bye.

What the fuck?

I'm going to go count cards.

Thank you for calling The Row NYC, conveniently located at 708th Avenue between 44th and 45th Streets, Times Square, New York.

Please listen to the menu, or dial the extension number you want to reach at any time.

For reservations, please call...

Oh, I don't want reservations.

And anyway, why did it get quiet?

The black hat cause I worn this

Cause it's like enormous

Some shit I don't take

Letting shit from a sucker

Put in a pot and I'll boil it

Turn it as it burns

There you are, finally you're back

Oh, I ran to go grab my beer

And then I was like, oh fuck, I'm gonna do chicken tomorrow

I had to get something thawed

Yeah, you gotta thaw that early sometimes

Eh, I could put it

I just put it in the fridge cause tomorrow

Just put it in some cold water for an hour

It'll be fucking thawed

Right on, brother.

Gonna make some chicken and biscuits and potatoes tomorrow.

Oh, very healthy. Very good.

Tempco, this is Tempco, speaking. How can I help?

Yes, hi, my name is Akulo. I need to speak to my sister.

What's her name?

Last name is Tempesta.

How do you spell it?

T-E-M-P... What? It dropped.

Great. I don't know if she...

She hung up or fulfilled the man.

Carlito, you know what?

You need to stop committing identity theft

because now cybercrime is after us.

I'm sorry, I lost you.

Tempesta?

How do you spell it?

T-E-M?

Uh-huh.

P-E-S-T-A.

And what's the first name?

G-I-A-N-L-U-C-A.

Gianluca?

Okay, one moment.

Let me answer.

Oh, okay, baby.

Even if you're a mix-it acapella, I still express yo I don't smoke weed or step

Cause none of you give a nigga brain damage

Something, something, something, something

The guest you are trying to reach is not available right now

Please wait for the tone to leave your message

For personal assistance, press

Fuck that, I'll just mess with that lady cause she sounds funny, right?

Yeah!

Yay!

That's why Z's already had the feds at his house twice

Motherfucker

I was speaking. How can I help you?

Listen, motherfucker, that person didn't answer when you transferred me.

So, they're either not in the room or maybe sleeping already?

Go to the room and knock on the door and tell them I need to talk on the phone, damn it.

We're not allowed to do this, sir.

Do it now.

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the guest in the room, and my phone's not working.

I need someone to come up right now and, like, knock on my door and make sure my phone's working.

You cannot do this, sir.

I give you permission. Come on.

I command you.

I cannot do this.

I give you permission.

You're not doing anything to the guest.

After 11 o'clock, you're not allowed to disturb the guest.

I need toilet paper.

Banchot?

So, if you need toilet paper, I can send somebody there.

What's the room number?

You got my room number.

You just sent this lovely man to my friend.

If you're in the room, you have to give me the room number.

211.

Yeah, I'm on 211.

There is no...

211.

That's all you motherfuckers ever say.

There is no room 211, and don't call me again.

Listen, listen, come up to my room and, like, bring me some toilet paper,

and then I'll eat your pussy.

They always say the same fucking thing.

Oh, please.

I don't know. You don't have to say please.

Yeah, we'll do it. Don't worry.

You have to give me your room number.

Oh, fuck yeah. She's into it.

314.

And don't use this language, okay?

Sorry.

314.

Which room?

314.

What's the name in 314?

Uh, ho-ho.

The name is...

Don't call.

The name is...

Just shut up and hang up, okay?

That's the name.

That's my name.

I told you she'd be funny.

Savage something there.

Did you have anyone playing tonight in your fantasy football?

I don't believe so, man.

I don't think so.

Who played tonight?

The Browns?

No.

Steelers.

Steelers Ravens.

That's right.

I like whoever was on our league.

Like, I went and looked at the waivers, and they're like,

Ray Rice sent him to the waivers.

Yeah.

I don't care.

Yeah, yeah.

That ain't gonna draft that motherfucker.

Yeah, Baltimore's blowing out.

Steelers.

23-6, man.

They just scored again.

Good day.

I think so.

I'd be 29 to 6 going on the 30s.

The regular.

I just love watching PA football teams fail, man.

I was hoping the Jaguars were going to beat the Eagles, man.

I was like, oh shit, this is going to be so great.

I called my father-in-law, I was talking shit.

You thought the fucking Giants were going to beat the Lions?

Yeah, whatever.

The Giants are my team.

I know the Lions are your team, but that's bullshit.

Giants suck right now.

Eli Manning sucks.

sucks i mean come on they gave him a whole new office and he's just still like fucking last night

or yesterday cam newton was doing his presser about playing white the lions and he started

calling the domicon sue donkey kong sue and uh they were like that's fucking racist if a white

quarterback did that there would be in an uproar right now what that fucker suspended a couple

yeah seriously could you imagine if you like if you like my anikim i was like

you just called him a fucking monkey a fucking gorilla he would have been gone he would have

been suspended for a year and it would have been he would have been on on uh 60 minutes at one

point yeah good dad would have made a big fucking deal about it because he's under pressure right

now he's like i'm gonna give him something else to talk about yeah a good point but then

people make the argument what if it was rg3 it's not fair now sharpton would get involved

I can't wait until he dies and we don't have to hear his name anymore.

Jesus Christ, he's a piece of shit, man.

He's a fucking swine.

We should have buried him in Joan Roeder's fucking casket.

Just did a twofer.

You know he was a mob informant for a while.

It came out last year.

Oh, yeah?

Dirty snitch, man.

He was a mob informant for like a good 15, 20 years in New York City.

That's how he got to where he's at.

I'm going to just open his cabinet and his busted ribs.

If Sue hits it one good time, just fucking knocks him out of the game.

You have reached.

That was a guy interested in buying comic books.

I got some solid fucking comic books I'll sell him.

He's not answering that.

So we'll do the next hotel check-in.

This person is in New York City also.

Hotel reception.

Yes, hello.

I need to be transferred to a guest room, please.

Charlie, you know the room number?

No, I have my...

Okay, the name of the guest?

Last name is, uh, Genoese.

J-E-U-N-E-S-S-E.

She's the first name of Vaughn.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Still waiting on you, or what's going on?

Oakman's having a good one.

Yeah, good ride.

I hope he's with...

Are you still with your customer?

The man that he picked up is fucking him.

Yeah, baby.

I love my customers.

You're getting ready.

Hello, sir.

Pull up a peep and have a seat.

We'll wait all night on you.

He's taking way too long, guys.

How you doing there, milkman, you son of a bitch?

That fucking hand.

I can't believe I'm hearing you.

Oh, my God.

How you been doing, you crazy ass shit?

I've got a show every day of the week.

Just a pun.

Fuck you, bastard.

Did you find the person yet?

No, I'm afraid they're not registered.

I have no one by that name registered.

Then why don't you tell me?

Why did you just sat there like, boo?

I'm trying to get on the computer to look it up for you, sir.

What, you're trying to get up on the computer?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy, he got very flustered getting on the computer and looking it up for you.

The fuck?

He said, uh, that's her name.

I still die to this day that Milkman was on the job,

and the fucking famous rapper that he knew or something was in his taxi,

and we were talking to him, and all of a sudden Milkman, like, just cut out.

We were sitting there imagining scenarios

Like Milkman's chasing this motherfucker down the street

In his cab trying to get his phone back

Who was that rapper?

Who was that rapper, Milkman? Do you remember him?

Fucking J-Star

It was J-Star, J-something

Who was that?

I forget now, dude

Three years ago, I remember that, dude

Yeah

That motherfucker, he's hilarious, dude

He's still out there, too, man

J-Battle

J-Battle, J-Battle, yeah, J-Battle, right?

Yeah, that's who it was.

J-Battle, that's right.

Thank you, man, thank you.

You know, he doesn't work very far from the Turkish kitchen either.

He's done it as an agent of the PCM.

Yeah.

Those J-Battle, he's still out there too, man.

Give me a second here.

Preparing for the next number.

And believe it or not, I did do a mobile show, if you remember, dude,

Dude, from down in the hood, man.

It was all good.

Dinglewood.

Remember that?

Driving around that night?

Yeah.

$100 microphone driving around.

Rocking your horn, driving the car, yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking honking my horn,

the motherfucker's going to shoot my ass.

Eric, you're gruff to me, aren't you?

Do you ever go into Oakland, Oakland?

Are you scared of Oakland?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I don't want to try to stay out of there,

but yeah, I'll go.

You're paying me enough, I'll go.

If you're horny enough, you'll go?

If this place is open, you know, it's probably about $60, $70.

Oh, are you going to say, okay.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, um...

We're going to call some more places in New York, I guess.

Let me see what would be open there.

Okay.

I'm off for another cup of way up in fucking the edge of the city, man.

I'm in Richie Richville.

Rich, man.

Okay.

Hey, speaking of Richie Rich, has anybody ever heard back from, uh, um...

reclute is still alive dude have you ever heard anything

nope never heard back from him man

he's gone

I hope so

what about

is he still rehearsing for the next

Olympics yep he's still rehearsing

he's still practicing he was in Scotland

practicing now he's I forget where

now I think he's back in London now

is he still going for archery

is he in badminton this year what the heck

is he in man archery

I figured that he was very

good man I mean after you've seen the size of this

guy's arm it looks like a man's thigh freaking guy's forearm he's like bigger arm than popeyes

yeah until he screwed up at the olympics uh three years ago whenever one was that two years ago

he just about shot the wrong um target i don't mean to make him upset he got kind of mad when

i brought it up but damn he really choked he was in front of his home crowd and everything was like

i think i think it probably really affected him a lot dude probably shook him quite a bit you

You know, he probably didn't like admitting it, you know.

Sorry that he didn't do so well.

I mean, come on, bronze isn't that bad.

You ready to do this shit?

Okay.

Let's rip shit up.

Here's a 24-hour hair and spa party.

I mean, dude, I'd rather have second than first.

All cops is definitely in the house.

Your rim, when we gonna call this shit?

Tell them what your name is?

Yeah, something like that.

Call that first, dude.

Too much responsibility.

Good evening, country folks.

This is Katie.

How may I help you?

Yeah, so I need to speak to a customer there.

his cell phone isn't answering and there's a problem with his dog okay his name rob rob

arnetta yeah hold on please okay i

love people that say, someone text me and just fucking throw their numbers up on Facebook.

Idiots.

Never learn, man.

Hello.

Yeah, is that Rob?

Yeah.

Hello, sir.

My name is Cross.

I'm with the country folks.

corporate office uh-huh um i regret to inform you sir will not regret to inform you just need to

let you know when you came in you set off the detectors uh for an unhealthy person in the store

so we're going to restrict your sodium intake in this meal as well as your caloric intake okay um

you're not going to be allowed to have anything that has too much sodium nothing that's fried

and okay what were you planning on ordering who is this this is cross with the corporate office

is what were you planning on ordering?

Chicken pot pie.

Yeah, you can.

We can get you the grilled chicken salad.

Grilled chicken salad.

Mm-hmm.

We can get you the house vinaigrette dressing with that.

There won't be any cheese on it, but we'll put carrots.

This is quite weird.

Yeah, well, no, it's a risk for us to have a customer like you

eat something like chicken pot pie that has a lot of sodium in it.

You could have some type of stroke here at the restaurant.

It causes a lot of trouble.

It looks bad.

uh okay well whatever okay so um make sure that you i mean no matter what that's what you're

gonna get um were you planning on getting what you were getting to drink soda or or exactly i

have lemonade lemonade okay that's fine that's no problem you're allowed juice good all right so

we'll put that order in for you okay so does that mean you're out of chicken pot pie no we have

chicken pot pie but you're not allowed to have it because it has too much sodium in it oh yeah and

And when we looked at you on the camera, we could see that you were, like, an unhealthy customer.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's just for your safety and ours.

Uh, okay.

Okay.

All right, enjoy your salad, sir.

Thank you very much.

All right.

All right, bye.

Yeah, it's work.

He's gonna be sitting there at his table trying to figure that one out.

He's pissing.

Man, I want a chicken pot pie.

So, does that mean you're out of chicken pot pie?

No, motherfucker, we have it.

That just means you can't fucking have any.

You can't fucking have any.

This is rough.

Bitch.

Chicken salad.

Real chicken salad.

To the people over here.

To the people over there.

To the people, the people, the people, the people, the people, people.

So we got a trampoline for sale.

You want to take that?

Sure.

Right here.

See if they pick up.

And show them how easy does it.

So if your punks want to make something of it, step up, run up, get up.

What's up, suckas?

He seems so let down.

He's like, okay.

You mean you're out of pop?

No.

Waitress really brings up a pop.

You brought me a pop, huh?

But they said I'm out of pop.

He said I was a motherfucker and I couldn't have one.

No, I just said he was a fatty fat basically.

basically i could tell you were unhealthy on the camera like oh you didn't argue it

you didn't say i went five miles a day oh god i'm having a tough time with the numbers today

this is my fault

everybody talking that crazy shit

Hey, Mindy, how you doing?

Good, who's this?

Yeah, this is Dwight.

So what's this business about you got a new number?

Yeah.

What'd you go and do there for?

Had to.

Why?

Because when you're in prison for eight months, you have to get a new number.

Yeah, what'd you go to?

I didn't know you went to prison.

No wonder you stopped calling.

Yeah.

What the hell'd you end up in prison for?

Because I ran for the halfway house like that.

Oh, jeez.

I wrote you a couple times over at the

you were at the prison there in

Sioux City, right?

No, I was in Michigan.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I don't know.

Your mom gave a P.O. box to

the right to, and

I thought maybe you just moved

and you didn't have a new address or anything.

No, I was

in the same place.

So, I was talking to Leticia,

and she said that

you might want to get together. We could do

some fucking.

Oh, what the fuck? Who is this?

Yeah, it's Dwight.

Dwight who?

Dwight McClanahan.

What?

No, McClanahan.

McClanahan.

I've seen you a couple times. You're a cashier over at the McDonald's.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've talked to you. You don't remember me? You don't remember the voice? I've seen you a couple times.

I come in there. I order the McNuggets all the time.

There's a lot of people that order McNuggets.

Yeah, but no. We sat there and talked for a few minutes.

I kept telling you you had that nice smile and stuff.

Yeah, you got that great laugh and stuff going, too.

So, like, what's up, you know?

You think we can get together?

Well, I'm in a halfway house, fool.

Ah, what, you get out in the morning?

Like, where they got the restricted hours and all that shit?

Uh, kind of.

I'm kind of cheating somebody, though.

You're kind of what?

I'm kind of cheating somebody, though.

He ain't got to know.

Oh, no.

All right, come on.

He ain't going to lay the dick like I do.

I really love him.

Yeah, but what's love got to do with anything?

Uh, 10 years worth.

What's that?

10 years worth.

10, you need something new.

Yeah, I got my buddy Cross over here.

We're thinking, you know, Letitia said you'd be down for the three-way.

Yeah.

Who the hell is that?

Who's Letitia, what?

You don't remember Letitia?

No.

Beckham, or Beckman?

That's my sister.

Yeah.

No, I would be not down for her.

She told me, she said, you know, she's kind of a wild one.

I said, that don't mean nothing to me.

She said, oh, well, here's her number.

Give her a call, and maybe she'll do the three-way with you.

She said that your man's been kind of an asshole

and that you were looking for a little something.

No, I don't think my sister would say that.

That's what she told me.

Your sister didn't say that.

How do I know about your yeast infection right now?

Yeah, it's like you're baking some sourdough down there.

Who the fuck is this?

Yeah, this is Dwight and Eddie Cross.

And Eddie Cross.

Hi.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hey, what did you go to prison for?

For possession of methamphetamine.

Oh, yeah, that's hot.

You like crystals?

No, I'm being good.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Not me.

Yeah, well, Eddie, you know, he wants to do the three-way desperately.

He only does the anal.

Yeah.

I've been in three ways with him before, and I'm like,

oh, dude, you can have the vagina this time.

I'll take the ass, and he goes, no, no, no.

No, I'm taking the ass.

You know I'm the ass, man.

I'll put the little shards on my asshole, too.

Interesting.

Hey, we won't tell anyone.

You want to come over and, you know, get fucked up?

Yeah, we'll get fucked up, and we'll get my fucking Rottweiler in on this shit.

Fuck you.

I'm talking, you know, maybe I'm hitting the vagina,

and old Cross over here is taking the butthole,

and then my dog just comes over and puts his dick, like, right in his face

and you lick his red rocket.

How about now?

Now. Do it now. Do it now.

Yeah, what's with the fucking attitude there, bitch?

Do it now. You're a prison dirty girl, so you do it now.

Nope.

Yeah.

I'm going to tell Letitia all the nasty, dirty shit you told me.

You have a record. You have to do it or you won't get anywhere.

Come on. Nope. Probably not.

You have to fuck us.

She told me that you've done the group thing, like, quite a few times.

She wouldn't know.

She knows, trust me.

She fucking knows.

I don't know if you were high and shit and you were telling her stories, but she knows.

The whole family knows.

While you were in jail, they were laughing about it.

They were holding parties.

They were holding Mandy's in jail parties and fucking giggling and laughing.

I'm sure they weren't.

Oh, no, they were.

We were doing all kinds of meth and shit, celebrating.

Who the fuck is this?

We were giving each other high fives and shit.

Hey, trash woman, working at McDonald's, meth head.

Yeah.

You are kind of white trashy.

White trash woman working at McDonald's, meth head woman.

And I like it.

So do you want to call me daddy and let me spank you?

No.

Come on.

Do you use tampons or pads?

What?

Do you use tampons or pads?

Why would that be in your business?

Just so we know what we're getting into, you know?

I don't know.

You don't use any?

Yeah.

Hey, Mandy, how many fingers?

Zero.

You don't have any fingers?

Nope.

No fingers?

Did they get burnt off when you made the meth?

Yep, probably.

Fucking hot.

I've always wanted to fuck a bitch that had nubs for hands.

Get a nub job.

Who the fuck is...

I want you to take both of your nubs and just start trying to whack me off.

If you can call me and talk a lot of shit to me and stuff, you can at least be a man about yourself.

Speak the fuck up.

Speak up, bitch.

Can you speak up, bitch?

Meth head bitch, speak up.

Fucking cunt.

If you would be a man about it and tell me who the fuck you were, that would be a little more appreciable.

I'm Carlito, and that's Dwight McClanahan.

Probably not.

Okay, alright, whatever.

Hey, like, how big's your labia?

Uh, if you know so much about me, then you should already know.

We've never seen your labia. You tell your sister about your labia?

I've never fucked you before.

Your sister's seen your labia before?

Nope. How do you know my sister?

We fucked her.

We answered an ad on Craigslist.

She was looking for a couple guys to come lay the wood to her.

Made her airtight.

Nobody really knows.

I mean, my sister and I are really related.

So how the fuck do you know anything about that?

She told us.

Really?

When we were fucking her.

I bet.

She fucking loved it.

You should have heard it.

She sounded like a fucking demon being, like, exercised and shit.

She, oh.

We got a fucking recording around here somewhere.

Hang on, let me find it.

Yeah, hang on.

I'm going to grab my phone.

I've got the video, but you won't be able to hear me.

No, you've got to listen.

There's nothing to hear.

You guys are talking on the phone.

It's right here.

I don't even want to be mad enough to say who you are.

Hey, keep listening.

It'll be okay.

It's not okay.

See, the only problem I have with Letitia is, like, her kid is an ugly motherfucker.

That's the only thing that I have an issue with.

Who is it?

Yeah, it's Dwight.

No, it's not.

Oh, it's Dwight.

Oh, no, it's not.

You hear her?

It's some fake-ass bitch name that you're fucking making up.

Now, there's no fake-ass bitch name, fucking whore.

You're a fucking whore.

Listen there, dick lips.

I don't have to take any of your fucking mouth.

All I want is some of the vagina, and then I want you to go away.

Well, then why don't you say who the fuck you really are?

I've already fucking told you, like, 15 times.

I don't believe that's your name.

What's the matter?

Did that fucking mess just wreck your brain?

Sure.

All right, you want me to tell you the truth?

Yeah.

I'm friends with Paul.

Paul who?

Beckman.

That's my father.

Yeah, he told me to call.

No, he didn't.

He told me to call.

No, he didn't.

Come on, why don't you believe me? He told me to call.

Because I don't believe you. I just got done leaving my fucking house.

I've seen my father, and he's been in this world talking to me like that.

Yeah, he told me to call.

Well, no, I told him I was going to be nice and I wanted to ask you out on a date,

but he don't know that I'm doing this.

Yeah, he don't know you, period.

Oh, he knows me. We've been friends for about 15 years.

16.

Oh, 16 now?

Yeah.

I laid the wood to Bailey pretty good a couple times.

What?

Bailey.

Bailey who?

Bailey Beckman.

There is no Bailey Beckman that I know of.

The fuck there isn't.

There sure as fuck is.

Nope, not that I know of.

Well, then you're a retard.

She goes to East Central Senior High School?

I don't know who the fuck she is.

Yeah.

Why the fuck do I know who Bailey Beckman is?

Well, I mean, she's hanging out with Shelby all the time.

Who the fuck is Shelby?

Shelby Beckman.

I don't know Shelby Beckman.

Do you know Vonda?

I don't know Vonda either.

Michael?

Who the fuck is Michael who?

Michael Beckman.

Nope, don't know Michael Beckman.

What about Laney?

Nope.

Hey, you don't know shit about this family.

Are you even sure you're related?

Maybe I'm not.

I don't know what your fucking problem is, but I'm going to tell your dad what a fucking whore you've been and like the filthy shit that you've been saying.

Oh, shit.

Here's your sister.

Here's the t-shirt.

no that's that's 100 that's off my iphone right now interesting oh that's when she got crazy

sounds like the other guy that was on the phone that sounded like a woman

no that that's fucking leticia going nuts

that's hilarious hilarious it is but you're fucking you know leticia got the shit laid

through her good oh well that's nice sounds like you're really uh she loved it that's what we're

trying to offer you she knew you would love it too probably not probably would hey can i ask you

why does your you know every time i see your dad he looks like he's high as a motherfucker and he's

got this like mongoloid look on his face shit i have no idea yeah he's got that you know fucked

I don't think my dad has a mustache.

I don't know.

That's just horrible.

Yeah, how does that make you feel?

Your dad had to suck some men's pee-pees in order to keep you rolling in the dough while you were in prison muff-diving.

Oh, I feel great about it.

Yeah, well, you know, you're a soulless whore, and that turns me on.

Oh, well, since you're a fucking raging prick, that turns me on.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I'm pretty sure that, you know, your father raped your mother, and they were related

somehow, and that's how you came about.

Oh, isn't that amazing?

It sure as fuck is.

So that's how you became white trash.

That's the story every time, with you white trash motherfuckers.

Dude, you sound like a real white trash, like, trailer boy, if you call it.

And your sister, she enjoys company with the black gentleman?

I wouldn't know.

I've met my sister once.

Really?

Really.

Do you enjoy the company with ethnics?

What?

The ethnics?

Wouldn't know anything about it.

Do you give good head?

Nash baby wants to know.

Or Nash bi.

Nope.

Nope, she doesn't give good head.

Any other questions for this diabolical crack whore?

I'm angry at her and I want to check and pray.

Yeah, she's fucking skank.

How big are your titties, baby?

How big are them titties, baby?

Who's that?

That's Milkman.

He brings the milk.

Wow.

Well, hello, hello.

That's right.

He's the white devil.

The white devil.

Show us your titties, baby.

How big are them titties, baby?

Do you know how to lick buttholes?

Nope.

Hey, did you know that it's Neon's birthday?

Nope.

I'm going to go and come over there, and I'm going to do some meth in front of you.

Ooh, that's a lot.

Better stick your finger in her ass, because she ain't moving too good there, Dwight.

Yeah, I'll do it.

But, like, Nashville, I want to know, like, are you missing around, like, four teeth?

Because he's concerned that his cock might get stuck between them.

Nope.

Yep.

Four teeth.

All of them are.

All right, start masturbating on the phone for me.

Yeah.

I'm up against a heartbreak, lady.

I don't know what to tell you.

Okay.

Is it teeth or tooth?

Yeah, what is it?

I think it sounds like tooth, not teeth.

anyway i really got to i gotta i'm gonna pee so bad it's gonna explode honey you know what i mean

she's into it probably is i'll keep you on the line if you want to stay on but i'm gonna be

gone for a while i'm done talking to this whore

i'm glad you got out of prison

when we come back we'll have more numbers including i don't know

dwight he's got a bunch of stuff why are you doing a good job with numbers man

And I'll find some more

And other people will have more

Milkman will be here, Dwight will be here

Maybe more people will be here

I don't know

1-888-278-509

You know what, I hope

That when you die

They put your GPS in your box

And a trapdoor at the bottom

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight to the hell

Madhouse Radio is back

You are bigger than a woman

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Because I'm black and I'm being used all the time.

Like my brother.

Oh, my brother's getting shot in the street.

Hey.

My, my.

Mills fans, big friend Matt Hillock attempting to connect here.

Good.

We're going to get Big Matty on the line.

Yay.

Jake.

Laf-a-trucker.

Hey, Matty!

What's up? You can't be loud? What's going on? You being quiet?

Oh, well, I'm out of my TV.

Say hello, guys, because I've got a customer. Hello, and hello.

Milkman says hello.

Is this really the Milkman?

Yeah, that's the Milkman. He's got a customer.

How you doing, Milkman?

I bet we're blowing people's minds, man, like being on here together.

Yeah, you guys always build a good team when you're on together.

together sure man it's good you ready for your trip man you got all your stuff packed up i got

let me go on video is that really milkman of course yeah it's him of course okay i'm adding

it i'm adding the contact that's right okay for me yeah let me here look at my video i'm looking

it's coming let me accept hang on okay i don't have a video i'll look at you i see you sexy baby

baby. What's this have to do with

being ready for your trip?

Tickets. Euros. Euro.

Hey, you already got your euro, huh?

Got 250 euros

right here. Don't mean a thing unless you got

them euros, man. Yeah.

That costs like $350.

It's a double, right?

Not anymore. Almost.

It's like, whatever. It was more than double

for a while. And I got three of these.

These are. Okay, good.

You need those. Yeah.

Charge your stuff.

you know yeah i got money yeah i'm good right and take your laptop with you or what's going on

yeah and uh edith sent me her ipad to use on the flight oh what a sweetheart

check out she has some of the same stickers that i have hey check out all her history see if she's

been cheating on you and shit you know you should do that oh she hadn't like played with it since

she was here that girl ain't cheap i know she and i'm sorry i was just joking i missed her on

monday she wasn't over here yeah anyway so yeah i didn't know you guys i didn't know you've been

doing shows i was talking to dr rock and he's like i was saying something about like oh i really like

doing the the early shows with carlito and he's like i think he's broadcasting right now oh yeah

yeah right now yeah it's my first thursday show and since the uh oh shit this is your like show

show usually it is yeah yeah usually i feel like i'm intruding no dude it's fun don't worry it's

been a really crappy night ken's here also say hi hey ken hello hello i had to unmute myself

ken's on a lot now he keeps harassing block talk radio hosts i don't know if you've caught any of

that it's really good we had that one the other night threatened to call the fbi cyber crimes on

on us let me play that let me go to youtube and get that that's the one the xyz called right

yeah it's like hey hey shut the fuck up hey listen i'm talking shut up when i'm talking

i'm gonna tell my friends what was it jags here shout out to jag tv oh you had dr onk okay yeah

so i was sitting here for the last five minutes thinking if you're doing if you're doing like a

clusterfuck. Alright, why not?

Let's just do it. Let me see. Let me get

Uncle quick. I got him on my content. I can do it.

Yeah, you're probably quicker than me because I got

so many fucking content. Look at you, Matt,

with that party in the background.

Right? Look at him. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, he's all ready to go.

And don't forget, I told you,

don't forget your 24-hour upgrade.

Yeah, I know.

I'm telling you, the alcohol alone, man.

I don't know if I'll get that,

but I just want the bigger seat

and the power and the

the movie like yeah they just want it i'm gonna hook you up with a meal too like they keep bringing

shit out like they keep just like here's your towel and here's your cookie and here's your meal

here's your ice cream it's fucking nuts what are what's your luck with trying to get that or you

did it one time and you got it right well i i pay it i usually just pay 50 bucks yeah yeah but is it

is it like do you think it's like a pretty like usual thing you can get i think only once it was

was already all taken up because i was on a cruise ship and i couldn't do it the day before um and by

the time i got to wi-fi connection when we got into port it was all booked up already yeah and

it was like a it was like a busy day for flight it was like a sunday so yeah but you said you

guys are leaving and you're leaving on wednesday yeah so you should be okay 6 p.m yeah you should

have a pretty good shot again okay how you guys doing hey what's up hey dr uncle looking beautiful

as always. Thank you.

Dr. Uncle.

I got therapy tomorrow.

Hopefully

that goes well.

You should see me in the therapy.

Carlito knows about stupid therapy.

Like, I practice standing and, like, turning my head and, like, trying to keep my balance.

Yeah.

I feel so stupid doing that shit.

but uh when i was at that last place there was this old lady at the rehab place and she was like

80 she she got mad because she was like because they make you do stupid shit like you know play

connect the dots or like connect four or like toss a little bag a little bit i wouldn't play

the connect for one place i was like they had me playing uno once but they they had her like you

know toss the beat bags into the into the bucket and she like threw them on the ground like i don't

like doing stupid shit i don't like doing stupid things let me take this for a minute all right

i'll be back okay i'm still looking for that video give me a second i'll grab it you know

who made it was it nick say who that's that's oh yeah yeah that was what it was under i'm looking

at his i'm looking at his his um profile i don't see any that's a white house video i could have

That's when you put it on there.

I didn't see that on the PCN site.

On the PCN page, I mean.

Yeah.

It was on the group page.

Oh, that's why.

Duh.

It's in the group.

How do I get to the group?

You grab some lube and fucking go to town.

Start going to town.

You just lather yourself up and just slither in.

Pretty much.

Apology leads to FBI arrest.

Okay, I got it.

Here we go.

People are harassing that poor girl in Frank Colnage and Mixler.

I saw that.

Starting with you.

You found her Facebook, I thought.

Oh, no.

No, somebody posted it, and then I was like, wait, is this you?

And then it began.

It looks like a fake page, though.

Like, she's got, like...

Yeah, it doesn't look like a real thing.

But, yeah, why would she be on Mixer, too?

That's weird.

Mixer, okay.

Yeah.

Thanks, Shay Clitely.

Yeah, I did something weird.

I dragged her photo into Google Images, and nothing else came up, so...

All right.

That's pretty weird.

Sorry for that one, Caitlin.

All right, look, the audio on this is really low, so we're going to have to listen quiet.

It's unplayable.

I don't know why.

am having trouble. I'll get you the

time code. Yeah. It is

funny, but it's... I like that chill music

in the background. Yeah, thanks, thanks.

Going from the gangster rap to that now.

Alright, anyway, look, let's get to pranks.

And our next target would be

Mikayla, who asked for someone to text her.

If anyone wants it, just yell. Yeah, Mikayla?

Yeah? Yeah, you asked for people

to text you? Hello? Mikayla?

Woo-huh. Okay, whatever. Thanks,

Mikayla. Thanks, appreciate it. I feel off

tonight. Just feel off. Everything's been

off and shaky for me.

Sorry, man. It's been going good.

Trying.

Francine Grajales.

What?

Francine.

On Facebook.

What does she want?

Nothing. She just, I think, gave her phone number out.

Three minutes ago, she said goodnight post.

She was active three minutes ago on Facebook, so she should be up.

All right, Carlito, there's the link and the marker for that call.

All right, cool.

It's in the private. I didn't put it in the Skype.

All right, I'll get it after this.

Child Jack TV is going to bring the Izzy's after us.

The Izzy's.

exactly we called ron and we're talking about isis and fucking so we're like jack say something

about isis and jack's like yeah uh i want to talk about the isis i never watch the news because it

depresses me so i don't know anything about it so you just called it better than isis come on man

all right so 22 22 is my marker let me get to that as close as i can rather look man you listen

to this tell your customer to shut up over there it's all not to interrupt you that you're busy

as you listen to a note-bearing call.

E-215.

Hey, listen, you old bag.

You're about to shut the hell up

while I listen to this call.

Listen!

I'm listening to this.

Oh, it's still low.

Hi, I'm Danny McCloud.

Does it sound like it's just on one side

for you on that video, Dwight?

Yeah, it is.

That's how some of the blog talk audio is.

I took it away from their site.

Ah.

You can make that mono, probably.

I can kind of hear it.

I don't know if the listeners can or not.

Yeah, it's pretty faint.

Yeah, it's not going to be.

Oh, well, we'll just imagine it, guys.

Look it up yourselves.

Yeah, look it up yourselves.

Hang on, I can do it, because I have the original video, and I can crank it up on my end.

There you go, what are you playing?

Whilst I prepare a new number.

Matt, how long are you going to be gone in Europe for?

Just a few days, right, you said?

I think, yeah, he's on a call with...

Oh, that's right, he did say that.

I think he's there for like eight or something.

I wonder if he's going to do a show for me with that.

All right, here it comes.

What happened to Matt? Is he better now, or is he back?

He's better.

He's still going through therapy.

I haven't seen him for months.

He started therapy, physical therapy again,

but he's taking a trip to Europe to see his girlfriend,

so he's doing pretty good.

Uh-huh.

Did the mental therapy help?

That's my question.

Did the mental therapy help?

Not mental.

He did physical therapy.

The beer helped.

The beer.

He switched to light beer, so that helped out a little bit.

All right, you ready?

Ken, hit it over there, man.

Hello, Ken.

and tell me if you feel the shock if you're who i think you are the fbi is going to be knocking

on your door within the next week i suggest you prepare for jail soap on a rope works real

fucking well you fucking asshole there you go all right there you go it was really choppy

at the beginning but we heard the i got the message for all you trolls out there

I'm going to contact my friends at Cybercrimes, FBI, and Trace on Broad Talk Radio's server.

And what's going to happen?

Every single one of you dumb fucks that's running your IPs, scramblers, don't matter.

They will cut through the bullshit, and they will track your fucking stupid asses down.

So take my advice, quit now, leave now, before it's too late.

And if you think I'm joking, try me.

I made a lot of friends in the FBI when I was in the service,

and I've got a lot of friends in high places.

So your dumbasses better be gone before I get back to my computer.

The FBI doesn't do anything with the armed forces.

What's he talking about?

I turned my fan off, so there shouldn't be any more blowing.

I didn't realize it was making noise.

Yeah, you were.

But it was choppy.

Well, we got most of it, Ken.

It's like somebody was blowing on the other end of that call right there, too.

That must have been my fan.

I turned it off.

Fuck fans.

get money all right i'm a fucking tough guy and i work for at&t security so you all better be

gone when i get back it was awful comical because he comes you know i'm gonna mute my mic and uh

make that phone call and he comes back like a couple minutes later he's like just a little

message for all you trolls the tracer the trace is on so like in the video i did there's like this

fucking like little thing it's showing like a whole city a bunch of cars going by and it says

you were being tracked oh man called his buddy at uh cyber crimes in the middle of the night

mind you could you imagine that if he was like if he truly was doing that like the embarrassment he

must have like talking his buddy's like are you fucking seriously calling me about this

there's a major geopolitical shit going on and you're you're doing these people are just

irritating you god throw up some guy wasn't even his show some guy called in to apologize

Apologize

Okay, have you seen this thing lately, dude?

I got one of these like I was like clicking around on the internet and somewhere along there

It said look they got this crazy video, you know

It was like showing just like a little clip

It says click here to watch this video and I click on it takes me this fucking site

And then it says you have downloaded or tried to download child porn

We are we're going to make you aware to the

United States government and this and that and flash these like little pictures and shit

And it says, if you pay $25 now by this PayPal account or whatever, we'll go ahead and relieve you of this charge.

But they wanted me to fucking send $25, dude, because they wanted to try and give me a porn.

I'd laugh my fucking ass off.

It's called ransomware.

It's like, listen, we see you've been downloading some child porn.

You could go to prison for a really long fucking time.

Give me $25.

Yeah, it wasn't even that.

$25 would be good.

All I did was click and said, watch the rest of this funny video, you know?

It was like some, like, some, like, sexual, like, it didn't give any detail.

It just showed, like, a little picture or something.

I was like, oh, what the fuck?

And it popped up.

It's like crackhead.

Like, crackhead prices, too.

It's like, dude, you could do fucking years in prison.

Come on, baby.

Twenty-five dollars.

We're scamming each other now, man.

The websites are scamming people with that shit.

Go ahead and watch it, and then we'll fucking try and get you $25 for a bus.

We'll save your ass from prison.

the best part about that that other call that x that xyz was doing uh the guy's like all right

i just got off the phone with my buddy he says george no problem i've got an open end trace on

these motherfuckers he goes they've traced them before they're building the case they really want

these assholes he says they've been doing serious shit they've been doing identity

He accused us of...

He said, oh, they know all about him.

They've been doing fucking identity theft and all this shit.

I'm like, what?

Yeah, like, they wouldn't charge you money.

They would have bust down your door.

That's obviously a scam.

Identity theft.

How dare he call in and apologize?

I didn't want the FBI on my door.

Yeah, I used my Madhouse debit card, motherfucker.

I'm going on a date, guys. I've got to go.

All right, see ya.

They're sitting there, you hear them on air,

uh, oh, what the fuck?

And they're, like, sitting there, just, like, trying to figure out

what's going on. I didn't fucking

eat this today, and then

Ron started, he's, like, they started

accusing whoever did it of fucking

hacking Ron and getting

this guy's info. She's, like,

it's public information. Yeah, it's public

information. It's, like, he's a dumb motherfucker.

And the guy changed

his fucking phone number the next day.

Did he really? He went so far.

Well, that's what we like to do, is when we're

talking to the people on the air dash you'll get their fucking like phone number cell numbers and

shit we'll call them while we're on hold like hurry up and take your call okay okay look um

gonna we gotta do more calls because if we drop below a certain amount people get pissed

yeah i put a bunch of uh 24-hour locksmiths uh car rentals smiths um smiths

smiths and 20 24-hour fitnesses oh yes i love them there's a mexico like locking key service

this dude did you you heard brad's calls from last week to no like two weeks ago to the 24

hour fitness customers those are fucking awesome they were all asians they were like all in

chinatown there was something i don't know why but everyone was asian who were the people who

shut down the treadmills was that matt and it was tabachi i'm pretty sure where there were people

running on it i can only imagine yeah if it did shut down there wasn't like about power backup

cup or something i could be set that we could try again tonight as well let's find out it's funny

when the phone just like drops because they're flipping the breakers i did it once i still own

the record 30 seconds from pickup to getting in jesus christ that's never gonna get beaten yeah

it is 30 seconds to the dot hi yes hello how are you i don't know where i'm at i don't know

i don't know how are you yes hi everything access lock and key yes sir actually what do you need

Yes, fine. Everything's great here.

We just had a slight weapons malfunction, but we're good here.

How are you?

Good, sir.

I need some locks.

Ah, keys. Keys for locks.

Yes, that's the ticket.

I need keys for locks.

Do you have...

Can you make a master key that'll open all Infinity vehicles?

No, that's impossible.

That's impossible?

Hey, did you ever see that movie Gone in 60 Seconds?

Can you have a computer machine that programs the keys to work like that?

It's not possible, sir.

But I saw it in that movie.

Yeah, and then he bought too much TV.

No, I don't watch TV. I watch movies.

I don't even have cable.

Oh, do you know how to use a bump key?

I do, but I can't give out the information for...

I know how. I know how.

You put the bump key in and you just...

You tap it and turn it at the same time.

That's all you have to do.

I know your racket. I'm on to you.

90% of his job is using that stupid bump key.

At the bottom

Dashie passed on the lady from last night

The one that was getting pissed about the locksmith shit

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah

The one where I told her I was using my one phone call

And I needed her to come pick this fucking lock at the jail

So I could get out

Didn't she curse me out?

Or did she just get really pissed off, I think

She got pissed at all of us

Yeah, that's right

That was with the dad, me, you

I forget last night, dude

I started

Yeah, anyway

I got a little wacky last night

It's probably going to happen in a few months

Thank you for calling the locksmith.

For emergency service, press 1 to schedule an appointment.

Hi, I'm the locksmith.

Dude, the dead's wife last night was so pissed at him.

Holy shit.

Oh my god.

Locksmith service, how may I help you?

How you doing?

I need to get somebody out here to take care of this lock.

I need it opened.

$29 to come out, plus a starting price of $35 and up to open.

uh so so like we're talking maybe around the area 70 to 100 65 and up minimum he has to get

there see the lock to give you the final quote okay well it's it's a hell of a lock i mean i've

been working on it for a little bit remember i was in a box remember i was in a box last night

that's what it was right masturbation was what she put me on room for here uh i don't know i

I think she heard me say something.

She's like, man, that motherfucker's calling back from last night.

She hoped the box crushed your fucking head.

I half remember that.

Now that you're saying it, I'm starting to remember shit.

I just literally just remember the box thing.

Oh, my God.

I'm in jail.

I need somebody to come get this fucking lock.

Do you guys still remember your pranks in this day?

Because I really don't.

A lot of times, I don't.

Most of them, I don't.

I go back the next day and listen.

I'm like, oh, yeah.

I remember, like, okay, I know I had a good show.

I know I had a bad show

But I typically don't remember

Like the calls

Until I rehearse

Oh that's what it was

XYZ said the water was rising

Yes that's right

That's what she hung up

Yes it was

She kept trying to get you

Take her out

You had the echo going

She kept trying to get you

Off the speakerphone

You're like I can't

I'm in a metal bar

That neon call

And she's like

You tell your boyfriend

To go fuck yourself

Oh um

Thank you for calling

The locksmith

She hung up

I mean I hung up

I was tired of waiting

Oh.

I ain't got time for that.

May I help you?

Please hold for two minutes.

No.

I can't.

Fucking bitch.

She said two minutes.

Probably in the middle of douchey right in the middle of the office.

At least she told us it'd be a long time.

We got two minutes to kill.

Feel free to go to the bathroom real quick again.

Is that the address, please?

Yeah, I'm over here at the police department.

The address?

I don't know the address.

They just fucking threw me in this cell.

I need somebody to come open this fucking thing up for me.

Yes.

That's so perfect

Thank you for calling the locksmith

You were trying to say that last night

But she never picked up again

May I help you?

Yes, hello, I'm in the box

I'm locked in the box

Okay, are you slow?

I can see

Yeah, but I'm locked in the box

We were getting her fucking pissed last night

She started buying Neon Story

And then she started dropping stuff

you tell your fucking boyfriends you go fuck yourself we just jumped in all of a sudden

yeah neon's good at that she leads him on for like a little while thank you for calling the

locksmith for emergency service plus one that's true let me let me talk to her what city is this

i could change the color yeah i can i can probably talk to her i'll just say i'm at the walmart

what do you use carlito are you do you have uh asterix i use i usually use i uh it's called

voxox it's a competitor to skype that's what i use because i'm having i'm pretty much i had

three accounts banned really quickly in succession in a row gotcha on skype that can change caller

id voxox can is it can yep oh i didn't know that you can actually do it either through the soft

actual app itself, or

I just have a bookmarked page

on my account

profile that I just type in what I want.

Interesting. I'll have to look into that.

Have you seen that thing on Motherboard about such

calls? Yeah, about the

SWAT?

No, not the SWAT.

Sorry, the

such calls. It's such

calls, and it brings the old

freaking stuff back into the

thing with the OIP and shit.

No, I haven't seen that yet. Nope.

I saw a lot of pot probe marijuana propaganda kind of vice today.

Alright, caller ID changed and we're calling back. We're calling back from the local caller ID.

Local area code solution work.

Thank you for calling the locksmith for emergency service.

Try it, Unc.

Locksmith, okay.

This is my jam.

Emergency service, may I help you?

Hey, yeah, I'm at the Walmart and my bike is locked up.

I mean, I can kind of get it, but it's all jammed up, and I need somebody to, like, blow the lock for me.

Okay, one second, please.

Cool.

The white music.

Mmm.

It's solid old music.

Makes me want to play Yahoo Dominoes.

You play, does that shit still exist?

I remember I used to play, like, Yahoo Dominoes, Yahoo Games.

They actually shut down Yahoo Games.

Did they really?

Yeah, I used to play Euchre on there all the fucking time.

They shut it completely down.

That sucks.

Dominoes is fun.

I used to play Checkers, Chess, all that shit.

I used to play, yeah, yeah.

Battleship.

i used to play shut it down like two years ago oh we're coming out with something fucking even

better and nothing ever damn it yes i heard you laughing about me saying i played euchre

that's an old woman's game oh my god what's all right just forever on hold forever oh yeah i'll

call her back she seems to at least pick up yeah thank you for calling the locksmith for emergency

service the locksmith doctor service how may i help you hi yeah i was i just called and i got

put on hold for like way too long i was just wondering um yeah what the like i mean how much

it costs like to get like a bicycle unlocked like i mean does he have like 25 29 to come out plus 35

and up to open okay um and i was also wondering like um does he have like spray paint like and i

i get him to like spray paint because i gotta like i gotta like spray paint this bike we don't

do spray paint well i mean kind of like you know just like give it like i'll pay for it and i'll

i'll give him like 20 on top of that like um we don't do that and you could give me like a bike

horn and some lights that'd be really nice because i gotta i gotta i gotta get this bike home and

like i i'm sorry we only do we only cut locks we don't do nothing with bikes all right all right

just calm down calm down okay well i'm saying you cut the lock it's fine i mean we use like a

Dremel or what?

These people are assholes, man.

Bitch.

Goddamn, Rosie.

Thank you for calling the locksmith.

She's learning.

Great customer, sir.

Bitch.

Jag, you want to try her?

I'll change the ID again.

Sure.

Also, apparently I already have a VoxOx account.

That's bizarre.

You can add me on it, though.

Hell yeah.

I turned my mobile number.

It says I already have, so that's kind of strange.

Maybe someone's impersonating you.

Did Ankari talk to them, bitch?

I did.

You missed it?

Yeah.

I went to get a Lunchable.

thank you for calling for emergency service press one to schedule an appointment i always like

lunch as adult now so i'm actually adult sorry jack you can get the next call but different

place that's fun let's let's save that number because those are the fucking angry people man

all right uh yeah i know what i'm here okay

have a son's hat.

Does that help?

Yeah.

Just a cone, man.

It's not a hat.

Cone.

That's a cone head.

Honey.

Cone head.

Oh, yes.

Hey, at the bottom, Carlito.

Uh-huh.

From the front.

Nashby in the chat sent one.

Yeah.

It said, as for Harlem, him and his wife are locksmiths.

Okay.

And they're swingers.

And you could possibly say that you fucked her in the ass and just found out you have

AIDS.

Okay.

All right.

I have no idea, so can you do that?

I'm living life like a volcano

and this is only the beginning.

Hello? Sir?

Hey, motherfucker, don't cut me off.

How's it going? How's your evening today?

Man, all business

with you motherfuckers.

Where's Harlan?

Where's Harlan, motherfucker?

Where's Harlan at?

Yeah, is this Harlan?

I'm looking for Harlan.

This is Locksmith, right?

Jason let me let me talk to you let me tell you a little something so I need somebody to come over

I put a padlock on my refrigerator because my kid is a motherfucker and he keeps coming out

sneaking food in the middle of the night so like you need to come open this up because I need

another fucking beer and I can't find the key you gotta watch how you're speaking you have a you

know what you know you know these people they hired you motherfuckers fresh off the boat and

And then I've got to deal with your no-speaker fucking bullshit.

Put an English speaker on.

I have a record right now, so you better watch what you're saying right now.

Recording?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm going to say you're an asshole.

I'm going to warn you.

Right now, I'm recording right now.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't give you permission to record me, because you didn't tell me at the beginning of the call.

You must destroy that recording.

I'm telling you right now, you know?

Yeah, but anything before that, you've got to destroy that recording.

So you have nothing.

Okay, I've got to hang up.

Yeah, you have nothing but a shit accent and a small dick.

What?

Don't do it.

What?

Actually, I called...

I had already copied the next locksmith number.

That wasn't the right number.

That's why he didn't know who Harlan was.

That was so pretty funny.

My bad, though.

All right, let me go back.

I got recording.

I don't know.

I think that made it even funnier.

Yeah, it did.

I thought it was bullshit.

Yeah.

Okay, here's the right number now.

I got recording.

I like the...

No, this isn't Harlan.

Lin, no, this is Locksmith Jason.

Locksmith Jason.

Title, Locksmith Jason.

RPG character.

That was a good correction.

That was a good verification.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hey, is Harlan around?

Master calling?

Yeah, this is Dwight.

I gotta get some, I gotta get this lock gun done, man.

I need this thing, like, off ASAP.

Actually, Harlan doesn't live here.

I believe he's not here anymore.

He doesn't do the Locksmith stuff?

Nope, company was sold.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Oh, man.

Do you know his wife?

Yeah, I do.

Uh, dude, those two are swingers, and we used to fuck all the time, and they told me if I ever needed, like, a lock taken care of without charge to give them a call.

So, like, so did you buy the company?

No, actually, I did not.

Oh, okay, well, this is your problem now, so you gotta come, like, open my lock for free.

I don't even do that.

Gotta do it!

He told me, he said, he said, you fuck my wife, you fuck her in the ass, and then free locks, free locks for life.

life and now this has transpired and you know it's transferred over to you it's just like

when it's just like a warranty on tires you sell the car the warranty goes with the tires

so when are you gonna get over here and take care of this by the way that way when i talk to him

next i'll let him know get over here take care of my locks motherfucker can't do it man i don't know

you're gonna have some trouble you're gonna have some trouble if you don't do that i'm gonna get

my lawyer on the line i'm gonna sue the fuck out of you good luck i'm patching him in fuck you

Here, I got him.

I'm going to patch him in.

Damn it.

Man.

I wanted to ask him how he knows about it.

I'm trying to figure out this damn program.

I suck at technology.

The only thing, it sucks for conferencing.

You can't conference like we are right now on Skype.

Yeah.

So that's why I keep you guys on Skype, but I patch you through to the app internally on my machine.

That makes sense.

That's why you guys are still able to call back and forth.

Oh, that's fucking sexy.

the uh nash pie says that the wife's name is venus oh yeah that's a wrestler val venus remember

him oh yeah yeah pal penis that's what i used to say in my head he he pal penis he he he's my

um ken i'm kind of upset i saw a clip of a recent ufc fight and there was a moment that was like

super wwe over the top did you see that video flowing around been passed around what is it

i don't know i forget who what which two mma fighters this is ufc a ufc event it wasn't mind

you it wasn't like some kind of bullshit league or something but uh yeah they were like it was

over the top like you know give me the microphone and i'm gonna tell you he was talking shit about

the guy it was really over the top like it sounded like it was a wwe episode i was like oh no what

what are they doing? They're ruining UFC, man.

You know, I thought, you know, wrestling,

I'm like, oh yeah, it's fake, and

all this bullshit, they're yelling at each other.

I watched TNA, which is another

like the fucking slumlords

of wrestling, and they were

so fucking fake, and the moves were

horrible, they weren't even close.

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

What's-his-face is a big fan of TNA.

It's all about ECW.

Dude, ECW,

when that shit first came on National,

when i was watching it i was like this is crazy man it's so awesome i watched it when i was in

zillian noble pennsylvania i remember like when i first started watching like you remember sandman

that dude he'd come down he was like the original um freaking steve austin man yeah yeah yeah and

the guy with the head i remember and there was the guy that looked like van damme whose name was

van damme they were great they were crazy as fuck yeah there's taz you see they'll be sorry to be

be away for oh it's all right do your thing man i had to talk to you you know you gotta yeah get a

little bit of phone head i hear you rob van damme how would that even work my heart's taken by

another no my ex-girlfriend would call phone head was having phone sex she said yeah you want phone

head i'm like all right sure okay nice nice get with it man all right roll let me get back

hey anyways i just came here to say good night guys i got therapy at 11 a.m i get up like 8 30

good luck tomorrow yeah yeah i think so all right yeah i fucking love you guys do 30 repetitions

right you know you gotta do a three right no i did i do i do 10 i do like things just standing

like standing in one place what did you the weight shifts you do that one like balance no i don't do

that i do like walking sideways in between the the two bars yeah i do that yeah and i do a lot

of walking i rode the bike for 10 minutes first time the other day the baps board do they have a

baps board before that no i'm not up to that yeah i got balance ms gives you like a lot of balance

oh yeah true true like i look like i'm fucking drunk even when i'm not drunk you know so might

as well stay drunk right exact that's my thing anyway all right milkman milkman uh math has to

go he has physical therapy in the morning yeah i gotta duck out too oh here we go we're dropping

yeah but another time seriously yeah it was it was good to talk to you it's good to meet you

milkman i feel like we've met before but oh he's like he's gone drifting he's with a customer oh

yeah he's coming he's driving right now hey man uh well i don't want to do daytime shows

whenever you want to be on my show you know you can be on my show yeah but i'm saying anytime

you feel like if you want like somebody with you on a daytime show yeah just message me okay yeah

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I'm probably down.

Yeah, I did a lot of day tits.

Last week I did.

Wasn't I on six?

I know, but, dude, I'm not, like, just listening to the stream.

I'm, like, talking to you, you know?

Yeah, I know.

You gotta pay attention.

You have to, like, tell me, like, hey.

You gotta pay attention to the stream.

Sorry.

Listen, you go get some sleep.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, love you, Seth.

Bye.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Shout out to my ringtone.

Oh, this chick looks like she's got some nice tits.

Oh, yeah?

All right, let me get there.

where we at all the way at the bottom all the way at the bottom i'm trying to investigate that i

wish there was a plan on that thing carlito where you could just pay like five bucks a month or

something yeah oh hang on milkman let me patch you in are you there you're back uh man had to

leave milkman and uh dr unk also had to drop out man has physical therapy all right yeah these

pictures what's not talking um she may have small tits but she looks like a whore i'll get to those

in a moment i want to do some more of these locks lock and save you know unlockers locksmiths what

the god the unlocker people unlocker people yeah um i really like uh it's really it doesn't it

doesn't seem like to be as much of a resource whore uh over skype to be honest with you voxox

nice and clean it's like what skype was when it kind of first came out but this one actually

works well gotcha yeah is there's no like monthly plan is there you just gotta pay as you go yeah

Yeah, it pays you to go, but the credits are really cheap anyway.

It works out to the same thing, just about.

Oh, nice.

And I guess that way, I mean, you have to pay a little more, maybe, but...

But, I mean, it's probably worth it for the caller ID thing, right?

Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Yeah, hi, I'm in a box, and I'm going to need help getting out in a box.

Okay.

These people took me off the street, and they put me in this metal box, and it's only standing room in here.

It's about the size of, like, a locker, like a gym locker, yeah.

Okay.

Alright, can you get me out?

Not at the moment, though.

I'm stuck somewhere myself.

Where are you stuck in?

I'm stuck in a restaurant.

Oh, I thought you were stuck in your dog's asshole.

No, that would be your mom's asshole, actually.

No, I don't have a mom.

I can understand that.

Yeah, okay.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so then you're a fucking full of shit, right?

Yeah, you and your mom.

Okay, well, here's my son.

Explain that to him.

How you doing, you motherfucker?

You talking shit about my mother, my dead mother, you cocksucker?

I'm calling the police, you fuckin' prick.

Yeah, what you callin' the police about?

What, you gettin' your little panties wet? You fuckin' nervous and shakin'?

Oh, police!

Someone called and asked me for... to get someone out of a box.

That's not what they said. This guy called and said he was gonna shoot me.

Right.

Arrest him now.

Cool thing, Carlito.

I love this thing.

Box ox, you mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, I love it.

But getting it set up like I do is hard, so I'm gonna have to make a video of it, but it's...

It requires two computers.

Ah.

Skype just runs by itself.

Wait a minute.

It says the United States is like .10, like .010 cents per minute.

That's fucking cheap.

I know, it's cheap as hell, yeah.

So for me, like domestic is cheap as balls.

Shit, I'm doing that today.

Yeah, because I can make, you know, I've been doing shows like just about daily,

and like I had $10 credit, and it got me through like a whole week.

and i was calling like international with it and said the international ones aren't that bad the

english-speaking ones aren't bad at all yeah i think she said uh just with my my shows just

that tuesday and wednesday we were using up about 2 000 minutes a month jesus christ i was fucking

playing it was something like 1600 to 2000 but the shit is with skype then they cut you off that's

they cut you off every time you know what it happens to everybody every all the prankers i

i know for the most part have had that happen the one the people that prank a lot i don't think you

have yet right ken or jen no i don't that's because i have most of my calls with colorific

that's right i really only do like one show a week so they're probably it's fine i was fine

for a while but i probably made too many one too many prank calls to national launch centers or

something i think and i got on someone's list so what looks like it i think skype is will check

and no by my ip address and they won't even let you sign up with a program anymore because

literally here's what happened i was in the middle of the show and all the calls stopped couldn't do

anything got suspended i can just talk to other skype users i'm like oh fuck so i log out i tried

my second account i did one call and then immediately same thing happened to that account

i'm like whoa okay so then someone else out there one of the other hosts said here try one of my

I tried one of my accounts, you know, I logged into his account.

I did two or three calls and then his account got completely noxed, you know, suspended for calling out.

I'm like, OK, I'm like, OK.

Then I tried.

Then my wife has an account and I added credit to it using her card.

All right.

Her debit card added credit to it.

Put it in my setup here and broadcast with it.

and i got about one day a show and i was like okay this is an alternative the next day i went to check

my email and i got the notification or when i logged in it gave me the notification i was

suspended so anyway yeah so basically i can't skype is out for me i've done them wrong yeah

this is a true story i know it's long you should call customer service and fucking ask what their

problem is good luck with that man right you have to chat with them in his english yeah chat with

of them and they're just copy pasting stuff so last question can you only get five dollars at a

time no i get 20 at a time i do i got five the first time because it only gives me an option of

five uh just get the five yes maybe it's first time five only that makes sense come on baby

that was the last question no problem yeah i'm excited about it and then again i did get on the

wrong side of the horse the turkish horse if you had noticed we haven't called him a lot lately he

He went kind of crazy in the head.

He just went a little funny in the head, you know?

And he did some stuff to me personally,

and we're just going to leave it at that.

Now, I got a call from an investigator from the Berkeley police.

I don't know.

I forget what it was.

It sounded like it was the horse.

That's why you remember he was calling me back those last few days,

and he was saying, hey, Carlos.

carlos that's how he knew my name because he had been told it by the police already

they were trying to bait you into calling him back well they were probably like do you know

a guy named carlos so he's like no i don't know carlos this is the guy that's been pranking you

according to skype oh okay then he calls me back uh motherfucker i have you now that's why he got

so cocky like that but the thing is he's also saying i'm gonna fucking kill you and rape you

you and all this shit to me so if you know but anyway i got an email from a cop asking for

information or to contact the cop said please contact me under an investigation and i never

responded you didn't call him back you go no let me play a recording for you why don't you answer

the phone you motherfucker all the old times that he's called to rape my mother and kill me

all the nice things he has to say about greek people which we could have gone online and gone

to yelp and gone to angie's list and blasted uh links to oh listen to this audio of the owner of

this restaurant and all the nasty shit he says about greeks and while you're while you're at it

listen all this shit he says he'd do i can't believe he actually went and went to the cops

he was playing back and forth too yeah probably fucking like held a knife to his throat you

fucking you go to the police a curved sword faizan though i wouldn't oh i would give it to her though

i just i don't care that attitude let her hate fuck the shit out of you oh my god you know she'd

fuck the shit out of like a pro that's what set him off that's when he went to the police finally

because i called him once when i came back from hiatus i called him once and i said yeah

how's faizan doing this morning i was with her last night fucking her he goes he goes what

milkman you back buddy yes man the bullfrog is back all right so anyway what was i doing

doing more calls right no no all right here's jack dalton lock and key who's cock are you

sucking milkman you miss i was garlic no i was mentioning that the turkish horse um

turkish horse got in uh in touch with the cops regarding my pranks to him and they sent me an

email i won't be careful when you go there they could be monitoring the place for you

what i look like remember i've got a video will you go in and get the food

please leave a name message and a phone number and we'll get back to you milkman the day that

mean okay let's say i'm still hailing up okay like right now but i do want to take some trips i want

to go to puerto rico for a few days and i want to go out to visit you uh for a few days so let's

say all right me and you all right you you know we're going to meet up you know i'll get you to

pick me up since you pick up people at the airport you know we'll hang out or whatever

maybe you could take a few days off would you will you go with me to that uh will you go with

me there to turkish kitchen what the fuck dude are you kidding me dude of course i'll go with

you there man i'm gonna have to buy you're gonna have to yeah you have to do the ordering do you

think they know what i look like do you think they've been in the site and seen my face because

that would be no i'm seriously i don't think that they actually remember what you look like

because i think that you're not using the hat as much yeah so i think you might be okay because

they would remember your days of the hat all right and since the went on the the side burner there i

think they may have been distracted so maybe we could just put one of these like that well you

remember that that beanie i showed you i was gonna send you i got that bean we give you that beanie

okay yeah and i'll put you in that jacket dude no one will ever fucking know man and then when

if they ask me anything i'll just point to my throat like i have laryngitis all you gotta do

just walk around and like

I'll just pull it to my throat

pop out a few Hindi curse words

now and I think

all I want you to do

you guys go in there and order some food

Carlitos sets up his laptop

starts doing a fucking show right from the restaurant

yeah oh my god

can you yeah

dude I will bring my iPad and I will

connect to it

you can do it from his fucking

handheld man or better yet

is the little

notebook thing, you know, those little

tablets. Well, you can use

I can broadcast on Mixler from

you know, my tablet. Just take it with me

or my cell phone, my Android phone now.

Hell yeah, dude.

It would be funny then. We'll bring our own high-speed connection

and you'll be really locked in.

Currently knows he's at the table

and every once in a while he's mumbling,

who's cocking you sucky?

I want to see that Onassis dude again,

man. He was funny. Horace was

hilarious, man. He looks like

fucking Onassis. I'm just a friend.

I'm going to go in there and he's going to make

eye contact with me and

his mood's going to change and he's going to

start sharpening knives, like the

shawarma knives.

If we start seeing a

swelling in his groinal area,

dude, we'll know something maybe.

He's like, oh yeah, time to fuck.

Fucking Krause is sitting there at the table

they lock, guys. He fucking dips

into the other room, calls the cops,

and says, that motherfucker is here.

Oh, Milkman, you have to taste my food first, though, okay?

Just sample her.

I'll make you taste my food.

Oh, that'd be fucking great.

Yeah, do a check-in on Facebook, right?

JaceTown wants you to prank him while you're in the restaurant.

Dude, so him, prank him while I'm there, yes.

That is right.

This is a British kitchen, man.

You'll probably put all of your fucking orders.

You'll make yours in a house.

Because I'm curious to see where he goes to make those really threatening calls.

Because he'll do them from the store.

but i don't know if he goes to the back really funny yeah hey listen to this how about if we're

there we'll get jen or somebody like that with the english accent to call in while we're there

dude that would be fucking well jen was the first guy to practice either that or we'll call get

dashie to fire up the colorific and i'll call jen out of retirement just call uh call the

restaurant posing as fucking the horse's home number or some shit let me see if i can get jen

i could wake jen up i got i got him on whatsapp and he's usually up his sleeve i'm watching my

cousin vinny over my shoulder hey listen to this this is my recent conversation with jen stewart

those are the kind of voicemails he leaves for me he called me a fishy fucker the other day

that's one of his prank calls all right more pranks sorry guys i'm focusing going on mute

guys sorry another customer making money tonight boy you gotta hustle hey buddy i'm gonna fucking

I can do a $500 night.

Yeah, man, I get some crack tonight.

Shit, I'd call the taxi, too.

They would fucking come pick me up and blow me.

Yeah, get some PCP, Milkman.

Milkman is gay for pay.

Gay for pay.

No, he's not.

Don't say that.

Milkman gets mad.

He got mad at you.

You guys are a horny, homosexual fantasy.

I don't see you fucking, man.

I'm getting disgusted.

Oh, shit.

You know he gets mad when you say that.

That's so bad because you keep bringing up that story that I made him tell on the air.

Hello, you've reached Pacific Lock and Safe.

We are currently unavailable.

Please leave a detailed message.

See, if I was a taxi man, I would go pick up, like, the cheapest hooker I could get

and just have her give them, like, men tug jobs and shit like that in the back of my taxi,

making some extra cash.

So you'd become a pimp on wheels.

Is that what you're saying?

Yep, basically.

All right.

Gotcha.

Pretty handsome.

You just...

Okay, here's a place called Cinetics.

What the hell is that?

Any idea?

Honolulu?

Lou? I think I was just copying a bunch of locksmiths

and they just happened to be there.

Synetics. Use lasers.

Welcome to the lab. We are closed for the day.

Dammit. He sounded like a

bunch-old. Ooh, the Baz

has blessed us with his presence on the

Skype. Alright, Baz. Join up, man.

I got some Baz. Some Baz me.

You dirty

n-word. See? I didn't say it.

Good job. You did the right

thing. Or we can call him Okies.

I'm trying to start that on the network. Call him.

You can say anything. Like, fucking

fucking okies move in and all the property values go to the ground and the crime goes up you know

it was the other day i had some guy on the phone and i just kept saying boy to him like you do

and that was that was fucking him up pretty bad that's what i said i said that to the screener

for the ministry show i said i said hey boy how you doing oh i did that too that's what i did too

i go how you doing little boy he goes oh is it that time i said sure as fuck it is i said that

That's it, that's it.

How you doing, my boy?

Then he would go back on the air and he would say,

Oh, I'm going to take care of this right now.

I got this under control now.

I got this with the blog talked in here.

I'm going to be right back.

And then he'd go to us calling in.

You'll have to watch the video because I got the white devil,

like just some big fucking bold letters and then like a picture of the white devil

and it's fucking going back and forth between this minister fucking holding a cross.

And like in between is the fucking like burn transition so we can have one picture

and then it'll fucking just burn it away

and there's the white devil.

I gotta see this.

What's the white devil like?

Is this devil dressed in white?

It's like a silhouette.

It's like, it's fucking white

and it's got the fucking horns and shit to it

and like a white light shining down on it.

Let me see if I can go find it.

I'll paste it in here so you can see it.

All right.

24-hour fitness.

Anyone want this?

Gentlemen?

Baz!

Thank you for calling 24-hour fitness.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Baz.

Can you do a call to 24-hour fitness?

Yeah, what's the...

Do we have a name or something, or are we looking for someone?

24-hour fitness.

No, no name, just 24-hour fitness.

All right.

Someone that'll answer.

For club address and directions, press 2.

For the club operating hours, press 3.

For group exercise information, press 5.

For member services, press 6.

To repeat these options.

Option 6, guys, remember that.

Jag dropped off.

We'll see if Jag joins us.

Yeah, Jag dropped off.

Thank you for calling 24-hour fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers.

that's closed when it does that right because

there's some 24-hour fitness that aren't really 24-hour

false advertising thank you for calling 24-hour fitness with state-of-the-art equipment certified

personal trainers and more than four hey carly what do they call those systems or those security

security systems again.

ADT.

Yeah, with the...

Order a copy of your agreement and much more.

No, it was some kind of a...

If you're fucking around or something,

they'll catch you.

If you're not lifting right or something.

We did something with that a long time ago.

In a prank.

Please call us back toll free at 1-800-432.

Damn it.

Yeah, I hear you.

Oh, I don't remember what the name of the security system was.

But it made sure that they were doing the right reps and stuff?

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, I can't remember off the...

Yeah, I'm so forgetful.

It was about a year ago.

I'm getting old, man.

Like, when I started this show, like, the first five years,

I could tell you, callers, what the conversation was on this episode.

I could tell you the premise of every place that we had called before,

whether the call was good or bad.

I can't do it anymore now.

I can't remember, like, the ones from, like, the last few months.

Or even yesterday.

Even yesterday?

No, seriously.

I was on the air yesterday.

Then again, I took an Ambien.

I took an Ambien about 40 minutes ago also.

So, I'll probably get a little loopy here soon.

Down at the bottom, Carlito, I'll put in the pictures.

Nice.

That's the first thing.

Copy the next 24-hour fitness.

Let me go to the...

Let's see the letters.

What is that?

I want to fuck this.

I like it.

It's like...

They're like bones.

Awesome.

Reminds me of my broken ankle.

Thank you.

Thanks for making me feel good.

Right there is the main one, though.

The one I was describing.

The second one.

Did we still lose Jack?

Yeah, he never showed up again.

Did he say he was dropping out for the night?

No, he just disappeared.

He's a beta bitch.

Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers, and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours,

we're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

For new membership information, press 1.

For club address and directions, press 2.

For the club operating hours, press 3.

For group exercise information, press 5.

For member services, press 6.

To repeat these options, press star.

If you'd like to speak to one of our club team members, please press 7 now.

yes maybe six is a national center also some of those all those options are either recording or

national 24-hour fitness bishop street how may i help you yes uh hey how do you say there sweet

tits i'm calling about uh uh inquiring about the membership what was that what's going on in the

background going on police is here hello are you okay are you okay me yeah are you being uh yeah i

hear like sirens and you're cutting in and out i'm just calling to see if you're okay coming from

on your end oh oh oh holy shit anyway i'm thinking about joining up uh just had a few questions oh

yeah um the membership team i'm on the phone with you no i'm yeah right now yeah it could happen um

okay hold on yeah hurry the fuck up as i called to be transferred to a room and he's like okay

i'm gonna transfer he's like all right go fuck yourself and he actually thanked me for telling

I don't want him to go fuck himself.

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, I'm calling about the machines, the membership machine.

Okay.

What machine are you talking about?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to maybe come in and look at the workout machines.

Okay.

Try them out.

Can I do that?

Yes, you can.

Maybe, you know, do some reps, pump some iron.

Maybe you can spot me, you know, do some lifts.

I was also wondering what kind of shower facilities you have there,

because I work up a big sweat.

Uh-huh.

Do you have some showers?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, are they private, or can I look at the other guys?

There's, like, a little bit of privacy, but not too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's not gay.

I mean, you just can't help it.

You're out there getting soaked down, just happen to glance down and see what, you know,

kind of compare yourself to the guy next to you.

So, there are, like, partitions that I can, like, peek around.

I'm going to get a little peek, maybe take a peek in some of the girls' knickers, you know?

Yeah, but it's not co-ed, though, unfortunately.

No, I mean I could sneak into the women's shower room

Have a peek inside the Knickers

Shout out to Dust Bernadette

Yeah, so what do you say there, Flapjack?

How about you and me just go into the shower rooms

And maybe we could give me a little tour

We can get soaped up

I don't know what kind of jazz we're going to, man

But I can show you around

If that's what you're into, man

Hell yeah

You packing some meat there, big boy?

Oh, shit

I hope you work here

I hope we know you.

What's that?

You sound very familiar.

Yeah.

Who do you think I am?

Oh, you're turning.

All right.

Well, I've got to get back to work.

I hope to see you in tonight.

No, don't do it.

Yeah.

Oh, you will.

I'm coming in.

Who do you think I am?

Good.

I'll bring in some soap.

We'll soap each other up.

Who do you think I am?

You can put a rag on a stick.

I can use it to wash myself.

What the hell is that?

Jesus.

What the hell?

Thank you for calling 24 Hour Fitness.

This is a riot.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers,

and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours.

We're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

On the street.

Nice.

Sounded like 9-11 all over again.

It's your cross.

It's the white devil.

Yes.

24-Hour Fitness Bishop Street, how may I help you?

Hi, how are you?

Hi, hello.

24-Hour Fitness Bishop, this is Joe.

How can I help you?

Hi, Joe.

Hey, Big Joe.

What's happening?

Good, how are you doing?

How can I help you?

Good, I want to come in and pump some iron.

All right.

Is this a serious call, or can I help you with anything?

Well, what the fuck?

I mean, I'm calling you.

How's the action in the...

I'm an adult.

How's the action in the shower room?

Oh, we got the RBCP clang.

We seem to have lost a connection there abruptly.

I think it was a mishap there.

Redial.

Redial it is.

What the crap, Dwight?

And howdy, Dwight.

Howdy, howdy.

Good to hear you, bro.

Hey, Milkman.

How you doing there, bro?

That is the white devil.

That's scary.

I'm going to see that in my nightmares tomorrow.

All right, you got the wall.

It looks like a Jew.

Tony Farfignan's Bishop, this is Joe.

How can I help you?

Yeah, you're doing that, buddy.

I need to get in touch with somebody about a situation in the locker room.

Oh, sorry, buddy.

He ain't going down.

He didn't like the McClanahan short talk.

I don't know.

The McClanahan short talk.

Well, now every time that you do the white devil voice, you'll picture that.

Yeah, it's kind of intimidating.

I like how it can make the white devil explode.

Broke it out of the gates of hell with a fucking bus station.

That's how, like, bad Albus took a hit off a fucking balloon.

Yeah, like a big-ass helium balloon.

Hey!

All right, focus, Carlos, focus.

You can do this.

Back to our Skype chat where we have more numbers.

God, what a big, annoying message.

I'm going to go from the bottom up now for some reason.

Sarah Rose.

Rosa?

Yeah.

Who got a new number and announced it to the world on Facebook.

Yeah, that's the whore that I sent you the picture of.

Okay.

10-4.

Understood.

Copy that.

When will they ever learn not to stop posting their numbers?

Never do, man.

Do you want to see this Asian chick, man, on that fucking little tiny scooter?

She's got nice ass.

Look at the legs on that bitch.

What's her name?

Cowbow?

I don't know, man.

Man, I wish I had a fucking stop.

Hey, Sarah.

Hey, who is it?

Yeah, what's going on?

It's Dwight.

Dwight.

Dwight, who?

How'd you get my number?

You gave me your number.

Don't you remember?

We met over at the subway.

I think you were in a subway.

Yeah, over there.

We eat fresh.

You're tripping, dawg.

No, I ain't fucking tripping.

You know, fucking, what?

What?

Come on.

I was about to tell you.

Eddie, fucking Eddie Chavez was the one that told me to call her.

Okay, ask her how big her tits are.

Oh, wow.

She's got small tits.

I've met this lady.

So, like, what have you been up to there, sweetie?

Was he a three-way mirror or some shit?

No, he's behind me.

He's asking questions.

I was showing him pictures on the Facebook when you were in that one piece

and you were showing off the body and the boobs and the tits.

I wasn't showing off no boobs or tits.

I'm looking at right here.

You've got the Lord's Scripture there on your right ribcage on the side.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, there ain't no boobs showing.

I saw a nipple or two, but it wasn't for me.

I was showing him.

I'm like, ah, this fucking bod is out of this shit.

Are you tired or what?

Maybe we can come over and read that old scripture.

Yeah, well, I mean, it looks fantastic, but, you know,

next time when you do these type of pictures, honey,

don't have a tampon in when you do the one-piece swimsuit thing.

Sarah, what's the deal?

Sarah.

Sarah?

Sarah.

Sarah, don't make me call you a whore.

Don't make me call you out your name.

i don't want to do it don't be don't be a bitch sweetie i told this guy you were a nice nice

fucking whore she wants god and her angels to bang gang bang her yeah she does she's got a

holy hole oh it's like that yeah well she's got a shallow vagina so when she put the tampon in it

looks like she's got a stormtrooper dick that finally did it apparently god damn

Dustin asking if I still smoke cigars.

I have cigars.

I haven't lit one up in a while because nicotine smoking slows down healing,

and I've got a bone that's in the middle of healing, a leg, from surgery.

So I'm staying away from them.

He's got a Cuban burner he's trying to heal.

No, no, I have them, the humidor, and I check them every day for the humidity in there,

and I add liquid and all

that, so they're doing good.

My

$60 lighter that I got two years ago

failed, but it's got a lifetime warranty.

That really nice one I had with the twin jet

flames, I'm going to have to return

that little...

Was that the Xikar?

Xikar, yeah. Ah, there she is.

Yep, there she is.

Anyway, we never heard back from Jag

then. He's done. He's done.

This next one, Baz

might have fun with. He wants somebody to call

and talk to him because he's about to be fighting

some motherfuckers.

Real quick, I don't think I called this one

from XYZ, Another Lost Drone.

We had a lot of fun of those

last week. I did in Honolulu.

Didn't get any of them

to really kick off tonight.

Go back to your numbers.

Yeah.

If you see Lonesome in the chat room, anybody,

if you see him, tell them I'm looking for him. Tell them to hit me up.

Okay.

On Skype or on AOL Instant Messenger.

Did he kind of sleep in MIA?

He was around like a week ago because he told me he wanted to invite me to his wedding.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, but I saw it when he sent it.

When I saw it, I went to reply with my info and he was already gone.

I was like, shit.

And every time he's been on, I never really catch him.

so i'm hoping to be able to get that to him before it's too late i don't know when his wedding is

that'll be cool to find i invited him to mine he didn't make it but i did invite him i invited

lego lego went to my wedding though remember invited tuck who didn't make it a lot of courtesy

invites that we did you know people we knew weren't going to go people like in florida we

knew weren't going to come up to pennsylvania for the wedding but you know hopefully they give us

little son's uh nice gift where the fuck was my invite you weren't around then sir you didn't

come till 2010 i was around when you were still down in florida yeah but i got married in 2009

you weren't around then no maybe maybe you weren't i was i've been around since you've

been in pennsylvania though yeah no that you were around before that too i remember you being around

before that i tell people i'm like i remember the days when i used to have to call a show with a

a fucking cell phone yeah do you remember like we used to get like 20 people backs in the chat

room on show night and no one ever during the week like no one ever talked during the week or

hung out i still remember that time i flipped out on rbcp when he imitated being you and i'm like

this is fucking bullshit i come here on these nights to listen to carlino this motherfucker

yeah you get real upset man that was funny anyway right did what did i say i was gonna do i'm gonna

gonna do it lost her own i forgot to uh update my roster oh did she have someone playing today

no i think i'm actually okay it's it's cool i checked mine earlier to make sure it was all set

your call has been forwarded automatic voice message system

yeah i uh lost in my other league i lost by two points two like 2.4 points and then

ours i won forwarded to an automatic voice message system

them i love fucking around with you we always end up week one and it's always a tight game

it's like the last was it about three four years week one we always end up playing each other every

fucking time i know that's give me a second i gotta share someone wants to give me a sound file

if you if any of you want to send me a sound file or something i've got a drop it to me account it's

It's basically linked to Dropbox.

It's dropittume.me slash Carlito.

And from there, there's a password.

Just ask me for the password, and I'll give it to you.

It's not difficult.

I just gave that to a gentleman who says he has a porn sound file that we might be able to use.

Very good.

Told him to send it over there to my dropittume.me page.

Are you going to put that in the private share Dropbox?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, well, that stuff should automatically go into it, yeah.

It's now called our legal share.

Or whatever, yeah.

Hey, Milkman, did you notice you have a folder there in the share box, right?

For you to upload to there?

Oh, he's with a customer.

Sorry, boner.

All right.

All right, so Dash, you gave a number for a mad locksmith lady?

Where should I start out?

to it tell me help me out because i got kind of discombobulated should i keep doing this 24 hour

fitnesses or you want to move on oh i don't matter um what dash he said i forgot i got mad

locksmith ladies oh that's the one i already called so what else do you got other than um

24 hour fitness uh there were some locksmiths we had left uh here's nashby's number i got you

quite a few 24 hour fitnesses in uh hawaii yeah that might be fun all right let's do nashby's

real quick. He said,

we did that already.

Alright, look. Back to 24 Hour Fitness.

I was working my way up.

I don't think we called this one already.

If we did, they're going to probably be the

one girl that was like, hee hee hee.

I heard one of our shows recently, Bazzy, were doing that

when we were both going, hee hee hee hee.

Thank you for calling 24 Hour Fitness.

With state of the art equipment,

certified personal trainers, and more than

400 clubs open up to 24 hours.

We're committed to helping you meet your

He's going to make me what?

He's designing a sticker for all of our shows.

Oh, sweet.

Pretty cool.

I can't wait.

I'm going to get off my ass and actually do a show here pretty soon.

Yeah, well, you've been working now, right?

Yeah.

You've got your medical cards.

You're busy with that.

I tried it.

You were vaping, right?

Yeah, a little bit here and there.

I like the edibles.

They're good.

He's doing a sticker for both my shows.

Cool.

blog talk tonight it's basically the same show i just do different fucking content

yeah that's fine like this is like my this is what i consider a madhouse

this is kristen how may i help you yes hello hello yeah hi you don't have a like a separate

section for howlies here do you for sorry one more time howlies no okay because i went to

about crackers sorry that's okay we're just really insecure that's all ma'am yeah because

we can make we're really holly very very holly you know okay yeah and we can't have membership

yeah from the states yeah and we kiss and we hold hands in the shower and we do each other's hair

yep is that except is that okay your men's shower is actually down can i ask ma'am can i ask you a

question like every time after we work out these gentlemen go in and they take their showers in

your facility like i go and i lick their balls and it's really salty is there something wrong

with your water conditioning system no okay that's all i wanted to know i was in the bathroom the

other day and on the stall next to me i heard a guy going uh and then he other guy said it tastes

like copper pennies he said copper penny copper pennies he said yeah what is that what do you

he mean i don't know what did he mean he said oh it tastes like copper pennies and the other guy

was like oh yeah oh like that he's like i was there too i was i heard it too well guys that

was me you know we were we were in a stall together we were just sharing one to conserve

space and we heard two guys in the stall like two stalls down they're the ones making that noise

oh no that's because milkman was in there with me giving me a blumpkin so he was the one

Yeah, no, I was pooping and Milkman was in there giving me the Blumpkin.

Yeah, ma'am, have you been getting any complaints from other customers about Milkman, ma'am?

No.

He looked, he stared at the women's breasts.

And he's like, I like milk, I like milk, I'm the Milkman.

You know, I'm a little gay, guys, but I don't mind telling you, I wouldn't mind touching this girl's labia.

Yeah, me too.

First thing is you blow on the labia.

Second thing is you kiss the labia.

you if i've ever heard one i was gonna teach uh teach you guys how to do it teach the wankers

how to really hang up the phone i was gonna teach ken how to kiss the way and bash by wants to know

what the fuck a blumpkin is that's when somebody's taking a shit and somebody's giving you a blowjob

at the same time so anyway i was talking to my wife athena today and we were both saying you know

legalization might be coming here medical might become to pennsylvania and we're probably going

gonna be having a kid here in the next year so then we were saying like what about edibles like

do we want those in the house i like and i said even though you know i'll partake in stuff i'm

gonna i would be so scared to get edibles like chocolate bars and stuff and because i would feel

like the worst parent if my kid got into it you know oh yeah yeah so i would never take that

chance i would it would have to be something they ate right at that place you know yeah or something

thing that i know that they wouldn't go for you know like i don't know whatever if grits you know

i know my kids are not going to want grits get some hummus thank you for calling 24-hour fitness

with state-of-the-art equipment certified personal trainers and more than 400 clubs open up to 24

yeah hello how 24 fitness is for my speaking i may help you oh yeah hey how you doing um i had

a couple of questions for you thinking about joining but uh just uh still not quite sure i'm

on the fence yeah there are a lot of howie's there i mean i'm a howie a lot of howie's oh yeah uh

yeah just in general everyone comes in yeah is everybody really cool i mean because i had some

hawaiian guys they were like trying to beat me up they had this stick and they were waving it at me

really menacingly at this other gym that i went to and they were you know they're big guys you

know there's a couple samoan guys there too and they were pushing me around and like one of the

The guy's had this stick.

I don't know where he got it.

He was, like, waving it around,

and they told me they were going to take me into the shower room

and give me a prison tattoo on my ass.

You know, I didn't like it.

I just want to make sure that's not going to happen at 24-Hour Fitness.

Oh, no, that's fine.

Yeah, you'll be fine over here.

Yeah, I mean, these guys, they got me cornered there.

They were pulling down their pants,

and they were waving their sexual organs around going,

hey, we're going to make the hell out of you.

Suck this.

We're going to make him eat it.

just like a sausage and uh what i did was i'd taken some martial arts training so i was able to

disarm the guy with a stick and i used it you know like one of those staffs and i took them

all out and i ran out of there really quick and i never went back yeah yeah i'm david david

snozzwell no problem david so you're interested in our gym yeah yeah i'm interested in your gym

am especially if i can uh you know look around when i'm in the shower room you know i'm just

kind of curious i just like to peek into the other stalls you know it's nothing nothing weird

or perverted you know and i'm just hoping to get some action what's the action like in the shower

room you have like good action oh can you repeat that one more time yeah i'm wondering about the

action in the shower room you have good action there good action yeah what you mean by action

time when the action is better or not you know you know those men go and they hang out in the

shower room and they kind of glance at each other and then you never know maybe something might

something might happen hey go into one of those stalls and just mess around a little bit it's the

action man all right hold on some time check it out yeah yeah no problem baby i'll be right with

you yeah i've actually got my uh my two uh buddies with me i've got dwight and cross they might have

have some questions too we might well hold on i'll be right with you david yeah hurry up man

can you hear that yeah i don't want to put i don't i want you to see if you want to put that

thing it's probably asking if you can hang out this

guy's still on i want to tell him about my adventures tonight i came home from the gym

yeah yeah tell him tell him yeah i'm gonna tell him like i made some mashed potatoes for the

family i stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes yeah what what was she yelling about

out? I'm a sadist.

Oh, David. Okay, so what number

are you using? 801-729-6542?

Say that again, sir.

I'm sorry, 6547.

Why do you need to know?

What was that? He heard a chicken.

The chicken did it. He's reporting

this. Mature old woman getting

fucked by Bill.

She called me a sadist because I said

I fucked mashed potatoes.

Thank you for calling 24 Hour Fitness.

We have to find people named Bill who play that.

Certified personal trainers and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours.

I'm calling him back. I'm calling him back.

Bill told me to call.

He's too busy fucking right now.

I'm calling about Bill.

He's over here.

Thank you for calling. 24-hour finish. Posted a super sport. This is Nathan Mopkin.

Hey, I'm calling on behalf of my buddy Bill.

And he wants to know when his membership end date is.

Okay, what is it? Phone number two is a call?

Yeah, it's 808-241-1398.

Bill's busy getting some fucking action and shit, and he wants to know.

What was this one number one at the time?

Oh, Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

Do you have your GED over there?

Do you fall out of a coconut tree?

Are you ready this time?

Because I don't want to repeat it again.

Do you have your pen and your coconut paper?

What the fuck is that?

Are you allowing goats in your fucking establishment?

I know things run differently on the fucking island there, but this is bullshit.

I don't pay for that.

What was your phone number?

I'm going to have to call you back because my mom is having chest pains.

Okay.

Sir?

That's my impersonation in that one.

I find myself walking around the house all the time imitating that for some reason.

And I'm going to get caught one day by somebody.

walking around town like what is that guy doing like the restroom the guy the guy in the foot

imitating it yeah it's like that noise we heard in that call we said that you heard the the men

good you dispatched them you dispatched them it sounds like you sent them to like fourth dimension

or something dude are you like you struck them down for calling 24-hour fitness with state-of-the-art

equipment certified personal trainers and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours we're committed

to helping you meet your goals on your time if you know your party's extent 24 minutes for you

guys this is tyra speaking i'm gonna help you yes hello hello how are you hi hi tyra good how are

you i'm not too good not too good is there something i can help you with yeah um i got

into a fight with my wife so i want her to come down to the gym you know workout i have a membership

already now okay what's the action like in the men's shower right now men's shower what do you

mean like what's the action uh i wouldn't know are there a lot of guys in there right now uh

i don't think so i mean i'm not a guy so i can't really go in there and check it out

you know how there's like a group of women probably hang out a little bit too long and

and you're chatting, and you make friends,

and sometimes you do stuff in the shower.

You watch each other doing stuff, you know?

No, we don't have that here.

Well, the men do.

I'm a regular there, and the men do.

I thought you guys knew,

because I thought the staff knew about it.

We do it all the time.

So I'm trying to...

Are any of the guys there now?

The regular guys?

The group?

I wouldn't know what group you're referring to.

It's like John.

Is Bill there?

No.

In the shower room?

Bill...

No, he's...

No, I haven't seen him.

We don't go by last names.

It's anonymous.

Yeah, we don't know our last names.

That's a big no-no.

Yeah.

Well, my name's Cross, and that's actually my last name, but they don't know my first name.

Okay.

I'm David.

Okay, so did you want to come down here, or...

Well, it's just going to be a pain in the ass for us to come down there if there aren't a lot of guys, you know, fucking in.

How long can I take, like, a four-hour shower, you know, and then maybe take a nap?

In the locker room, you mean?

Yeah.

With the lady at the front desk?

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, ma'am, do you actually

have to work out? I mean, if you bought

a membership, can you just buy a membership

just so you can hang out in the locker room

all day?

No. No.

I mean, if I pay for the membership,

what's the problem with that?

How much is the masturbation license?

Tell that lady at the front desk

that I just shit my pants

and I need the janitor to come take

care of this.

The masturbation license. I thought I killed it. I'm sorry, guys.

Do you want to speak with my manager?

I want to speak to you.

Yes, absolutely.

I want to hug.

But make it quick.

Wait a minute.

I'm going to masturbate.

Honey, I've got a question for you, though, before you transfer us.

I want to put my lips on your private parts and start humming.

How long is your break so that maybe we can fuck in the shower?

Sorry.

I had to be dirty.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

With state of the art equipment, we lost the private parts.

like double her ass ass to fuck in the shower i want to put my lips on her

private parts and hum i think things went south once we went south to the private

once we went south that usually kind of kills it rather abruptly yeah but if a girl

if you were at work and some woman called you said i'll suck your dick you'd be like oh okay

i i had uh the other night i did something kind of along kind of along those lines to

On a call to a sold lady in the UK, she got really mad.

She goes, she said I was a horrible, terrible man right before she hung up.

You're a horrible, terrible man.

Oh, man.

You sound like she's about to start crying.

I know.

You terrible bloke, you.

I got called the devil a devil once.

That one British lady.

You devil.

I'm going to kill you.

She's like, you devil.

The old lady started crying on the phone

when you were trying to tell him there was a fire.

That was hilarious.

Well, that prank is lost.

That prank is lost.

Those were the ones that Hollywood Vanya was doing.

And he had a mistake editing it.

And he only got like the first 30 seconds of the call.

But I remember where I was like,

oh, fire, fire.

She's like, oh my God.

She got her shit.

And we called her back.

And the whole thing, she's like, yeah.

I was down there.

No one was down there.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

We had a fire drill, and everybody had to go outside and stand outside just in case.

Yeah.

Because I went out there, but there was nobody there.

Is that the one at the end you were asking her about her hair down there?

I might have been.

Oh, God.

Calling the other gym again.

That was funny because those calls he went from telling her that there was a fire to talking really dirty to her at the end.

She heard you.

I was calling back, but she heard me.

No, that's all right.

The one older British lady, the one that we said that she called me a devil and then she starts hitting the phone, the button.

Yeah, right.

I called her once before.

That's not the one.

Yeah.

I'm trying to remember.

When I called her once before, she was the old age pensioner, right?

That's what it was.

Yeah, she was the one that got terrified.

She's like, this is awful.

She goes, oh, did somebody die?

Did somebody die?

I felt so bad.

I'm like, no.

Then I made like a weird...

Because I felt bad.

Like I said, oh my God, she's going to have a heart attack.

I felt really scared.

The blood of Christ.

The blood of Jesus.

About a month ago, I called this old lady in the UK, and she got really scared too.

And then she goes, if I end up in the hospital, it'll be your fault.

Oh, God. Gee, thanks, lady.

I felt so bad.

Oh, man. That's fucked up.

I mean, not because of her, but you're the one.

But, hey.

All right, the next 24-hour Planet Fitness.

No, I'm mixing two companies.

The next 24-hour fitness, rather.

Again, in Honolulu, we can ask for power outlets.

I'm sure they do for shaving.

See if they're three-pronged, the three-pronged ones.

Thank you for calling 24-hour fitness.

What's that called, Milkman?

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers, and more...

Is that grounded? What is it?

Like a three-pronged outlet.

what's what do you call it like an outlet one like a yeah that's a grounded outlet how may i

help you yeah hi do you uh hello hello yeah the the men's shower here we're members the men's

shower here um do they have uh plug-in plug-ins uh out power outlets in the men's shower yeah

in the men's bathroom oh yeah they should have some on them like by the mirrors okay good because

we're going to bring in some we're going to be bringing in a uh an electric drill and some

some electric equipment, like a milling saw.

What for?

Because we're going to actually be putting some holes

inside the partitions and in the walls.

Just hang up.

No, no, don't.

Don't hang up.

It's the Glory Hole Installation Service, ma'am.

We're the Glory Hole Installation Service.

She's got the old fuck face on.

Just hang up.

He's laughing, too, though.

That's a glory hole for you, baby.

with state-of-the-art equipment

through five personal trainers

and more than 400 clubs opened up.

We could tell them we're going to take the mirrors off

and mount them inside the stalls

so we can watch all angles while we poop.

Watch all the action.

Yeah, all the angles.

25 minutes, Bishop.

This is Joe.

How can I help you?

How are you doing?

This is Mr. McClanahan.

I'm calling to see what time the manager will be in in the morning.

Manager will be in at around 8 a.m.

Okay, now is he aware that we're coming in for some construction purposes?

What time are you coming in?

Because I don't have a note here.

Well, I have a work order here that says we need to be there by 9 a.m.

9 a.m.?

Yeah, he said something about he wanted some of the mirrors moved.

I don't know anything about that.

He wants us to put the mirrors above the stalls so we can just look up and see the other men's penises and the other shitters there.

Gotcha.

All right.

Don't forget about the holes.

Are you guys going to be calling?

Are you guys going to be calling more?

Because this is really pissing me off.

Hey, why don't you shut the fuck up there, pal?

You fucking faggot.

I don't know if you could tell, but I changed your voice.

Get aggressive with me, motherfucker.

I gave you the white devil voice when you said that last sentence.

Oh, did you really?

Yeah, I guess you can't hear it, unfortunately.

That's a limitation of it.

But I can let you know, and you can request white devil voice or toilet voice.

Oh, do white devil and call him back.

Okay.

That's awesome you picked up.

I told you I was a fucking faggot and white devil.

Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

That's a pretty good one, Milkman.

This is the feeling of a rapist.

As do white devils talk.

Am I doing white devil too?

Yeah, you are.

Fucking alright.

You're such a cocks in hell.

That was a good one.

You'll get to hear these in post.

I want to hear myself say,

Hurry the fuck up.

Oh, Neon, I want to fuck you.

This is the white devil.

Oh, I took it off.

Sorry.

she's really creeped out by it she says she's creeped out she's tripping now they're all hot

and bothered the white devil he's making me horny you're a horny white devil the white devil does

get her horny she tripped she tripped out when i put those white devil pictures up on my skype

she's like what the fuck man why are they honking at you what are you doing you're not paying

attention what'd you do well what'd you do why are they honking i was honking fucking idiots in

in front of me, man, because they're taking forever.

Be nice.

I'm at the drive-thru, and they're still, like,

setting, man.

Shake your fist at them.

Go honk, Milkman.

I gotta watch out, man. It's a car full of fucking brothers, dude,

man, and they're not too happy with honking honks.

It just happens.

Yeah, well, you let us know

your true feelings

about brothers last week, Milkman.

Wow. I received a lot of

complaints about them. Which brother?

You? My brother? You said that you were

were n-word this and n-word that last week you got mad at some oh you want to talk about the

road niggers i'm waiting for milkman to start calling spades spooks and shit

no i'm serious are you asking me about road niggers is that what you're asking about what

is a road nigger a road nigger is a motherfucker who thinks he you owe him every fucking thing he

left after you did and he should be there in front of you before you get there's a motherfucker

thinks he owns the fucking road.

There's nothing to do with skin color.

That's a state of mind. In fact, most road

niggers are white females.

The other ones are those big assholes

that drive these, like, Dodge

trucks and, like, big diesel motherfuckers

that have the big double stachs and they throw

out those black cloaks. Those are the other fucking

white redneck road niggers. You know who else

is? Mustang.

Mustang drivers

and Prius drivers.

Oh, don't be... The Mustangs are

awesome. Come on. Fuck. Oh, you're a Mustang?

See, I would say more of the fucking Dodge Charger guys are falling in that category.

Yeah, yeah.

They fall in that category.

Thank you.

They sure do.

There's some douchey Mustang drivers.

I'm just saying.

The other one are those like eight-cylinder fucking Mustang asswipes.

You'll see them.

But I'm swearing to God, the worst ones are the female white women that drive these fucking

beamers.

I swear to God.

These fucking bitches will run you to heartless, man.

And they'll run you right into a fucking curb and won't bat an eye, dude.

I had one woman all the way block me, all the way up a fucking whole road trying to turn.

And she was going to let me run into a parked car, man, if I didn't, like, stop my car.

Shit, man.

Yeah, so careful of the female road niggers, man.

I swore up a storm today with my son in the car.

I was at the gas station, and I went in.

I parked in a regular spot, and there's this fucking bitch at the pump.

So I got in, and I'm starting to back out.

she she hadn't even started i'm backing out and i'm starting to fucking make my turn and shit the

you know straighten it out and go over to the drive this fucking bitch decides to gun it from

the pump and fucking cut me off to get ahead of me what a fucking twat it sounds like here

i was like sitting there i'm like my son's i hit the car i'm like this fucking dumb bitch i was

like this fucking old cut got it in the parking lot what a fucking bitch i was like you fucking

I hope we got out and pissed on our fucking windshields.

Oh, I was still working on it, but I'm like, you old dirty bitch.

I was just fucking going crazy.

How old is your son?

My son's sitting there laughing.

I'm like, don't repeat these words.

Your son's in high school, though, isn't he already?

Or he's almost in high school?

This is his last, he's in eighth grade.

Yeah, so he's, he knows that shit already.

Yeah.

Well, I had to cut him, I had to go in there the other day and I heard somebody, he started

making some noise, like just retarded sound.

one of his friends on fucking xbox like what are you doing having an orgasm i'm like walking in

this room i'm like hey mute that motherfucker it's like you're not allowed to talk to him anymore

what will you tell him about your prank i just want to make sure you understand man i i i have

nothing against black people man i love the brothers and my commentary just so the listeners

know man upon road niggers has nothing to do with skin color actually i'm very favorable towards

towards black people i have some of the best friend when i look in the mirror i see my favorite

black person hey motherfucker when am i gonna tell them about my pranks can you say i already

tell them i let them listen to a couple oh yeah that's cool there was one where i was doing

tomcast uh customer service and i called the customer a fucking asshole i was like you know

it's late at night i'm trying to get home to my 70 year old and i'm like and i gotta close your

account out but i got asshole customers like you he was fucking giggling i'm like because we

We pulled it up on the Xbox on a TV so we could both listen.

I was like, don't listen to any more because it was on Jad's fucking channel.

I'm like, no more of those.

Well, you will soon.

I mean, let him do his own calls.

By that time, he's like Lux's age or something.

I bet you he would.

I don't know.

You seem to have a pretty good relationship with him.

Anyway, I haven't let my kid listen to too many of mine.

No.

He's 15.

Yeah.

I don't have any kids with my nephews.

My cousins all now.

All of my cousins now.

And then my one nephew did a prank with me.

He doesn't know about the show.

He did one show.

He did a call with me.

Who was it?

What the hell was it?

He called.

We had to call a lady.

And Cool Rob kept cursing, and I had to shut it off.

He said, hey, don't curse because my nephew's here.

My six-year-old nephew.

Cool Rob's, oh, he's dropping the F word.

I had to cut it off.

Because the next thing I know, he's like, yeah,

Yeah, Uncle Carlos had his iPad on something called Skype,

and they were saying, fuck you, fuck this, let's fuck me.

That's the last thing I need, this white bread family that I got married into.

Cool Uncle Carlito, man.

They were saying, fuck you.

Yeah.

Oh, when he gets older, he's going to be older.

We're going to have fun when he's older.

So your wife's nephew?

Yeah, on my wife's side, yeah.

I'm an only child, so I don't have any nephews and nieces.

is uncle carly though here's this big old fine blood of kush for you man i heard you talking

about that a couple years ago he's gonna have to find him for me maybe one day my nephew

or my own son that'll be the conversation i was with my son oh my gosh you imagine the terror of

the junior frankenstein hermanito jr look marco brings up a point my dad he was like

my dad was like my dad was telling me about smoking and stuff like that and he was like

like well my father when he was you know he came to me once when i was 14 and he said if you're

gonna smoke a cigarette smoking in front of me don't do it behind my back and if you're gonna

drink a beer drinking in front of me don't do it behind my back and then i was like then what the

fuck is what the fuck with me i can't just smoke cigarettes in front of you you don't even smoke

it's just it was not fair you know he said that when they found weed first time when i was in

high school still i was like oh but i was like look i'm doing great in school and i'm on the

football team and i'm not you know criminal i'm not doing nothing bad like what are you gonna

mom was like fucking whatever i remember i was like fucking whatever the jazz groove

actually no she got real upset i remember it was right before high school graduation

i told her i've been smoking weed for like a year and a half now i'm sorry i don't know

how you didn't know just click the support us button she finally gave up like when i was 25

She said, yeah, he's gonna smoke

Let him smoke

Anyway

Family, who do we lose?

Ken?

Looks like it

Yeah, he had a bail

Oh shit, I talked over him trying to say goodbye

It's almost 2, it's gonna be about time for me to

YouTube as I guess, right?

Yeah, I usually

Stay up till about midnight

Plus it's time

Alright, on to

too late. I'll do one last number.

Here is... Wait. Unless there was

anything pressing. Let me look at IRC.

Quick look through.

Hopefully we don't see anything flashing, so we're

clear. Here's the last locksmith

call. We've even called already once

for all I know. Because it's important.

How can I help you? Oh, go ahead and put me

on hold, honey. I'm sorry. How can I help you?

Yeah, um, I'm stuck in this

booth. Can you help

me out? I'm stuck in a booth.

No, I'm sorry. We don't have any...

Well, this is a 24-hour service.

Yeah, stop anybody

Yay for that

How appropriate

How appropriate for the night

Alright Baz, thanks for being on buddy

Hey yeah, that was fun

Don't be such a stranger

Come on, don't forget us

We miss you

No I don't, but I just don't

I never know when your shows are going to be on

I mean, are you going to do Thursdays

Or are you still doing

Just whenever you can get on

Like the Thursday show

you because i don't want to take it away from sloth but i mean i know it's my show he'll give

me the problem but uh i'm thinking that might not be best for me actually for a little while

um i might pick another night i'm thinking sunday is working pretty nice for me sunday

nights i might do that just you know and then again go back to thursday eventually at some

point um yeah yeah i know thursday works really good for sloth so it helps him out

but no yeah maybe sunday nights i'm gonna start that and then i yeah i do stuff during the day

all the time since i'm not working so at the moment so whenever i get a chance i jump on

and do my thing yeah yeah oh cool all right buddy anyway yeah all right well take care of yourself

all right you too see you bye that's baz and milkman tell me what you know milkman

milkman i'm just checking out right now all right all right i'll hang on then so you can

wrap us up one second i'm checking out let's hear let's hear sounds like you're oh you're

checking out of a store oh okay yes sir one minute what you got some coconut water

got coconut water you can talk at the counter milkman come on

well i know i will you'll do your thing milkman but i'm just gonna say thanks to everyone who

listen and thanks to god have it stored gonna be healthy you know yeah be sure to tune in tomorrow

for jayad's show the art of phone larking that'll be at 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific

saturday we do this on tomorrow uh jayad art of phone larking the friday night kids

that sounds like a good show man he's one funny motherfucker yeah it is smart guy and a good guy

and he puts a lot of effort into his shows, man.

I mean, he spends all week getting info

and placing Craigslist ads and planning stuff.

Jaiad's a cool motherfucker.

Very dedicated.

He is, yeah.

Brent Westwood, when he can, he does his show midnight,

9 p.m. Pacific on Saturday nights,

if not someone else usually goes on.

Jaiad, Jack TV usually does a pre-show tomorrow night, too,

before Jaiad's show.

So show up around, you know.

By the time dinner's over and all that shit, you get home, just show up and hang out in the chat.

Leave Mixler open and wait for the festivities to start.

Finish up about around this time tomorrow.

We'll be finishing up, I guess.

Dwight, Ken, rather, as you heard him, his two shows are on Tuesday nights and Wednesday nights.

Check those out.

And then Thursdays, usually I would go on.

I'm not really doing that now.

Now, Sloth does his science show at 10 p.m.

Typically, I'm covering for him now.

Uh, yes.

Can I get two bags, please, for the milk, sir?

Appreciate it, man.

Milkman, double bagging it.

You got to double wrap it, Milkman.

You know why.

Well, if the milk gets on the carpet, it smells like vomit.

Did you just say that really loud to the cashier?

What is wrong with you?

Yeah, you ever smell it?

It's horrible, boy.

Good work.

Thank you, brother.

Why would you say that was so awkward?

You are so weird, man.

No, I'm not.

You just almost screamed at him.

If it gets on the floor, it sometimes smells like vomit.

I said, yeah, if it gets on the carpet, it smells like vomit.

Have you ever had milk spilled in your carpet?

In my car.

I had to spill it on the backseat of my car.

It smells like ass and vomit.

I know.

Oh, it sucks, dude.

I mean, the only thing worse is baby bars, man.

I mean, you know, like milk, and then it's like already pre-digested,

and now it's all over everything and stinking like hell.

Yeah.

but uh no i learned the fucking the way you can take the fucking fuck it out man

because like you try and clean it it like soaks in underneath the carpet and just smells like

fucking rot anyway man i just want to make sure i thank everybody all of our friends for stopping

by tonight this crazy ass place we call the madhouse man jennery lisa moe did a hellacious show

we had a great entourage of guests tonight showed up the famous white white mclanna fucking hand

and Baz the Bastard and everybody else that all showed up, man, all my friends, thank you so much

for showing up, all our friends over there in the mouth, 98.6 the mouth, thank you so much, we love

y'all, big shout out to Commander Colonel Clay, all my friends over there, I miss, and want to

thank you, that's right, our listeners, that's right, especially you, we do this every week, the most

interactive show you can find right here on the internet, three, that's right, we drop the dime,

we just ask that you give us a little time, bring your friend and bring your enemies, even

better yet they are welcome right here in the madhouse because every week we've got a punch

right here from the generalissimo of the madhouse without you my friend thank you so much

saving lives one call at a time

yay thank you milkman for doing such a good job and doing that we all needed that all of our

friends out there are very relieved done great service to the society in general

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

I have to go to sleep. Milkman, take care of yourself.

I'll talk to you tomorrow on the telephone.

Be ready. There's some big problems

that I gotta talk to you about, okay?

Thank you for the interview.

And everyone else, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Alright, see you motherfuckers. I love you.

I'll see you guys tomorrow for the Friday night

super block prank calls

which is Prank Call Nation.

Bye-bye. Take care.

Calls (34, 1 h 40 min of 3 h 34 min)

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