I Don’t Have A Viewer

you little monkey

you're listening to the madhouse radio prankcast

connecting on skype

he's probably in the middle of leaving a voicemail

hey those are good music man

good music? yeah man

johnny cash is the man

you have solitary man?

nope man

where you been?

Man, look, I've been playing Johnny Cash.

I waited for you.

You never came online.

Hello?

Hey.

Clear oil, 89%.

89% clear?

89%.

Is it butane honey oil?

No, no, no.

This is a CO2 clear grapefruit oil.

This fuck, dude, it smells just like, literally, like the flowers.

Like the grapefruit flower or just like flowers?

Grapefruit.

And some nice grapefruit bud.

So we're going to have like a grapefruit.

Grapefruit sandwich.

Carbon brought to the CO2 was on honey oil as we made them.

So people are taking honey oil and then further reducing it to CO2?

No, no, no, no.

Okay.

What it is is, okay, HO is hash oil.

Okay.

So they say BHO, you have all different ways to say it.

Butane, hash oil.

There's different ways that you use a solvent to remove all of the oil and wax out of the plant.

So, butane is the traditional way, which gives it, like, the fluffy, dinky, like, you know, ear-waxy-looking crap.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you've got CO2 oil, which you use CO2 to drive out.

So, they're just using carbonated air, basically, to create hashish oil out of it, out of the trimmings and stuff, right?

Is that what you're saying?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

he's driving around yeah train wreck i think he's a trucker isn't it no no he's a cabber

okay a taxi guy okay he's calling back in and it's only coming through on on this on the lap

on the ipad on the sky machine on the ipad it came through i don't need well i won't okay back

down no i won't back down hold back you can stand me up this milkman song

He's singing this right now.

I bet he does.

You should both talk.

Let me ask him if he's...

I think he speaks French.

I'm pretty sure he does.

Really?

I think he curses in French.

Okay.

What's shot?

He says something about shot.

Kiss my shot.

It's my pussy.

That's what it means.

Yeah.

Shot.

C-H-A-T?

Yeah.

He's busy now.

Come on, Milkman.

You know what you can answer to him?

What?

You can say, kiss my plot.

Your plot?

Is that your ass?

A plot in French is a vagin or a pussy, I guess.

Plot.

Yeah.

Well, he's coming up as...

And if you call the people in Quebec, they know what a plot is, but they don't...

If you call in France a plot, they don't know what it is.

So I guess it's only in Quebec.

It's a Quebecois curse word.

That's it.

Yeah.

We curse by saying a church word.

People in the U.S. curse by saying a sexual word.

No?

You say church words?

Yeah.

Like, God damn it?

God damn you?

Yeah, but something more like a physical place in the church.

Because we used to be a lot religious when we colonized Quebec.

And that's why.

I guess I'll fuck you in the I think we you know the tabernacle in the tabernacle yeah tabernacle

well here a quebecois will say tabernacle if you drop something on his feet and that would be like

fuck but you're just saying tabernacle yeah just saying that or christ or colis milkman you speak

You speak French, right?

Oui, je parle français un peu, oui.

Speak to train.

Salut, man. Comment ça va?

Ça va, et toi?

Ça va bien, merci.

My name is Trainwreck.

Trainwreck, hey, man, what's going on?

Choo-choo, whoo, crash!

Trainwreck is a good strain, man.

Thank you.

It's a very good strain.

Is it really a strain, or did you just make that up?

Yeah, it is.

No, it is.

Literally, Trainwreck, you literally asked the man.

Yeah, Mr. Sloth told me that yesterday or today, I don't remember.

Oh, I thought that's where you got the name.

And I told him, well, I was not aware about that.

So why trainwreck the name?

Is that because of like, did you see a trainwreck once when you were a kid?

You know, you're the first person who asked me.

Well, here in Quebec, there was a big train accident.

And when Jai had told me, hey, what name should I call you when you are on my show?

So, well, I said, hold on, I just need to.

And there was the newspaper over on my desk,

and I was looking at the picture of the train who was derailed.

And there was like 50% who died this day.

And I thought to myself, what about a train wreck?

What a good name, you thought to yourself.

Okay.

That's the story.

Oh, wow.

All right.

Wow.

So he's from Canada.

Okay.

Well, you know, Kokanee, he's a train actually,

I see one of the engineers on the trains up there.

Yeah.

Canadian North Railroad.

Yeah.

So there you go, man.

We got more.

He's in Alberta, though, right?

He's like outside of Calgary.

Red Deer.

Red Deer, Alberta.

Yeah.

I wonder if he ever met any of the Hart family, like the Bret Hart family.

Me?

No.

No, him.

Our friend that's in Alberta.

Alberta?

Toronto?

No, where?

Toronto.

Where did you say?

I said Calgary.

He's in Quebec.

He's over on the other side, close to the east.

He's north of you.

Yeah, I'm from Quebec.

Yeah, Quebec.

That's over on your side, bro.

Kokanee's over on the other side.

He's on the west side.

I'm on the west coast, and Carlito is back over on satellite control back on the east coast.

Yeah.

We're coast to coast, man.

I thought Carlito was in New York or something like that.

Nope, I'm in Pennsylvania.

Oh, okay.

Well, not nowhere near.

Like one state over, kind of.

Yeah.

I don't get out much

I'm still considering myself from Florida

Yeah but Slut told me that

You and I

You and he

Had lunch like a couple of days ago

Together

When was it Friday

Yeah or something like that

Man I would like to

To meet you in person I mean

I'm not that exciting you know

I've got a boot on

You're not supposed to know about that secret rendezvous train wreck

I don't know how you sound

out but that's their little secret no no hey yeah you know it's funny because i joke around i go

into chipotle i always invite girls out to chipotle on the phone yeah and that's exactly

where i went i was like hey big girl you want to go to chipotle yeah damn it that was gay all right

no no no that's all right man yeah i might as well have gone to seen like phantom of the opera

or with him or something.

Oh, yeah, and sing.

One thing about this, you actually let him perform.

That's definitely gay.

Yeah.

All right, Restaurant McDonald's, it says.

That's what you call your McDonald's, Restaurant McDonald's?

The McDonald's?

Yeah, it says Restaurant McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah.

We call them McDonald's.

They have Big Mac there.

Yeah.

Do you have the Royale with cheese instead of the Quarter Pounder with cheese?

No, no.

No, we call it the Quarter Pounder.

It's only in French that they call that.

Stupid French, too, right?

Don't you hate those motherfuckers?

They lost the war, too.

If you want to piss off a French, just tell him that they lost two wars.

Hey, you lost two wars.

You lost two wars.

I think you have the wrong number.

No, this is McDonald's, Restaurant McDonald's.

Yeah, you lost two wars, right?

No, I don't think so.

Trainwreck, what was that name?

Plot.

Plot, right?

Yeah.

Like a vagin.

Like the vaginal crevasse.

I don't really know what are you saying.

Hey, you speak French?

Yeah.

What's your name?

C'est quoi ton nom?

Laurie.

Laurie, where are you from?

So hot.

Yeah.

Pourquoi tu veux savoir ça?

What?

Pourquoi tu veux savoir ça?

What I want to know that.

Well, I'm just wondering who am I talking with?

Nobody.

No, no.

I'm talking to Laurie.

She's going to hang up, I bet.

Oh, shit, bitch.

No, I was talking to, I was saying that if you call someone actually in France, you said that they lost the first and second world war and they will get pissed off.

Okay.

I should have said tabernacle to her, right?

Tabernac?

Yeah, you should try.

And like, um, Osti.

Can you say it?

Osti?

Busty?

Yeah.

Osti and tabernac.

What's busty mean?

Hostie is, you know, the little piece of bread that they give you when you go to the priest?

Oh, yeah, host.

I don't know how to call it in English.

My cousin used to yell that in Spanish.

And it was like, everyone was like, dude, you need to stop saying that.

Because it's basically, he meant to say, like, I shit on the host.

Hey, oh, hostie.

Hello?

Yeah, hostie.

Hello, you here?

Yeah, tabernak.

Tabernak.

Okay, what did he say?

I didn't catch it, but I think you just hung up after you said tabernacle.

He said something after hostie.

I think he said he's not here.

I thought he said how hard.

Penetrate him or something.

You should call some Papa Bo.

Oh, hey, let's call that number.

Let's call the National Pizza Hut.

Yeah, the call center.

Thanks for playing my Johnny Cash request, Hermano.

And before I join the show, thank you so much, everybody.

I appreciate that.

It wasn't your request.

I said, Milkman, I'm going to play Johnny Cash for you tonight.

Tell the truth.

That's exactly what happened.

Yes, it was.

But you're also failing to mention that I've been requesting this since last freaking year.

Well, he had solitary men.

He suggested he was in a magnanimous mood.

In his melodious voice, he said, I'm going to play you some Johnny Cash tonight.

I was like, yeah!

I've got to find some.

Well, let me play Hurt.

Milkman asked for this one.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one, too.

Then I'll play Solitary Man.

That is great.

Let me queue up Solitary Man, and I'm going to try to call, try to find the number for that.

Pizza Hut show.

I live today.

T-A-R.

Do you want me to search it for you, Sakari, too?

I got it.

Just found it.

The man in black.

No longer the white devil.

The dead man.

Was Johnny Cash the white devil?

The man in black.

previously on the mc the walking dead yeah it really is

it's the same voice it is the voice was good and that is the fucking music kind of music

they play that like what's the that one oh shit yeah the goats what's that goats

what the hell the hell's that band i should know the name of them the something goes

What about the name of the guy that is talking? Or one of the actors?

I don't know.

I'm not sure the chat room already said it.

And you could have it all.

My empire of dirt.

Mountain Goats?

It's the Mountain Goats, right?

Yes.

I will make my turn back.

I have to get out my guitar and play this.

In the car?

In the car, yeah.

I'm going to start playing a guitar in the car.

I was taking my tambourine.

You can play a tambourine in the car.

That's doable.

Yeah.

Dude, I think I found it.

I'm looking for the number that repeats itself in Honolulu for Pizza Hut.

I think this is it.

If not, we'll ask.

Maybe they know.

Hey, you got Debra Mansfield.

Look in there for Debra Mansfield.

I'm from Choosing Pizza Hut, Hawaii.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's a two-party state here, motherfucker.

Hey, don't record us.

Don't record us, please.

We don't give you consent.

Do you catch that?

All right.

Carlito, please go on.

Yeah, don't record us, please.

Can you turn that off?

The calls are just automatically recorded.

I can't do anything about it.

Is there a number I can call you at?

No.

Look, I have a piece of paper here and a pencil.

Let me fill in the space with your phone number, your cell phone.

No.

Come on, I'm breakfast.

But are you making an order under this number, the 212?

Yeah.

Okay, pick up or delivery?

Delivery.

No, pick up, pick up.

Sorry, pick up, dammit.

At what location?

The fort, what is it, the Milihi?

Miliho?

Beautiful, kawaii.

It's like Kalikapahilu?

Puta?

Kapahulu?

Ulukapata?

Is it Ulukapata, mister?

Is it that? Ulukapata?

No.

Don't be ignorant.

I think it's Kapahulu.

Kapahulu.

Kapala Big Chichis, I think is what it was.

Did you get that?

What's your status?

Good.

I think she's just sitting there.

Okay, sir, are you placing an order?

Yeah, I'm sitting here waiting to give you the order.

Okay, well, are you placing an order in Kapahulu?

Yes, you upset my bus.

I will pass him to you, but first you need to apologize.

Apologize.

Your name?

Yeah, my name is Mr. Train, and you will refer to me as Master or Mr. Train,

because I'm a liar, okay?

You're a liar?

No, not a liar.

A liar with the law.

Attorney of Law is my title.

At Law.

Yes, correct.

I don't speak English very well, as you may figure it out.

Yeah, he's bisexual.

Yeah.

Yeah, both ways. Swing both ways.

Are you ready for the order? Because you're really wasting my time and you're aggravating me. Get out of my case.

You're a real switch hitter.

Hello?

Yeah, would you like to make an order?

What is your name for the order?

Miss, you will not talk to my client directly. You will talk to me and I will relay your message. Is that clear?

Okay, what is the name for the order?

Okay, my client's name is anonymous. He would not like me to give this information to you, but we can proceed with the order right now.

I do need a name for an order, though.

All right, you will put it under the name of Cross.

You put the next on the sheet.

All right, now with the order.

And at which location did you want to pick up from?

Kakalulu.

Akalulu?

Yes.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Near Uluka Paka?

We don't have a location called Akalulu.

Yes, you do.

Well, we don't know how to pronounce it.

No, we do not.

It's a Kalakalulu.

Okay, how do you spell it?

How do you spell the name of it?

K-A-L-A-L-A-K-U-A-K-U-A.

Who are you?

Kaka Poo Poo.

I'm sorry.

Could you spell it one more time, please?

No, we can't.

I can't find any.

K-A-L-A-K-A-U-A.

And then it says A-V-E-H-O-N-O-L-U-L-U-H-I.

And what island are you on?

On the Hawaii island.

There's many islands, sir.

What island are you on?

The main island.

Are you on the big island?

Are you on Maui?

Are you on Kauai?

Are you on Oahu?

Which one?

I need to know which island you're on.

Because the name that you're giving me, we don't have a store.

Oahu.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry, miss.

Did you treat my client here?

Did I hurt her?

Okay, sir.

If you're serious about playing as a son of a bitch, I do need you to give me the right

information for me to place an order.

I think it's Kapahuli, Kapaha, Kapahu.

And do you know where this location is located?

Yeah.

Miss, are you working there?

Hawaii.

Are you working there?

On the Oahu Island, Hawaii.

And what did you want to place for today?

One poppable.

I'm sorry?

One poppable.

Look, I'm not going to take your order if you're not going to be serious with me.

No, one poppable.

Are you talking about the type of pizza?

No, it's just poppable.

Yeah, we listened to the ads on the telephone.

Well, we were waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and keep saying poppable, poppable,

And we are saying, all right, I will.

Are you talking about the Cheesy Bites pizza, sir?

No, it said cheese.

It said poppable.

Poppable, dippable, mommable, or something like that.

It said buttery crust.

What did you want as your topping on the pizza?

Buttery crust.

Buttery crust?

It said, like, buttery crust.

What did you want on your pizza as your topping?

That's a one topping on a large for $16.99.

One meat?

What type of meat did you want?

We have plenty types of meat.

There's pepperoni, ham, beef, pork, Italian sausage, chicken, or bacon.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Animal?

Look, sir, I'm not going to take your order if you keep doing this to me.

Look, this one here, I'm showing it to you right here, this one.

Sir, I can't see what you're looking at.

I have a camera phone.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

I have a camera phone.

Okay, if you're pranking us next time, you should really block your number the next time you call us.

No, no, it's blocked.

I have a blocker.

I always tell them I got a blocker.

Yeah.

Hold on, don't tell my mom.

Please, please don't tell my mom.

No, no, please don't.

Hey, Carly, too.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why didn't they understand when we were talking about the pop-up bowl?

They are working there, right?

Yes, Fred.

It says pop-up.

Yeah.

It's like if you call McDonald's asking about the Big Mac, and they said, what?

What?

Our customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Shortly, very shortly.

You can get a large.

Here we go.

Toppable.

Hey, Traynor.

Hey, Neil.

Oh, you see?

How about shutting your ass and getting on the phone?

You can get a 2-liter soda and order a breadstick for $5,

10 pieces of wings for $7.49,

or a family-sized pasta for $14.99.

Thank you for holding.

We accept cash.

Please...

We will repeat this menu again five times.

Can I get your phone number?

Can we answer?

Yes.

Hello?

Yes?

My phone number?

Yes, I would need a phone number.

223-2014?

3-2-1-0-4.

Yes.

Okay, and then are you doing a pickup or a delivery?

Uh, pickup.

Okay, hold on a second.

Okay, and where did you want to pick up your order from?

Motherfucker.

Hello?

The order from Kahuluku.

Yeah.

Kahuluku.

Do you mean Kahului or Kahuku?

Uh, Kahoki.

Is it Kahaku?

Okay, hold on.

Yeah.

Okay, um, are you, do you know what island you're calling from?

It's Kapahulu.

Oh, Kapahulu.

Yeah.

I don't know why you don't understand

Goddammit. It's not funny.

Your sockets in hell!

Hey Cardi Tope, say

Previously on the MC

Did the White Devil voice

Previously on the what?

Uh, you know the, previously on the MC

The Walking Dead

The, the White Devil voice

Well you can say it, you have the White Devil voice now

Oh really, I got it too

Previously on the MC

You're fucking dead.

Pizza Hut.

Oh, why are you still on?

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance,

and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

I ain't giving you permission for shit.

Hi, thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Ha, ha, ha.

Did you want to order any pizzas?

Yes.

No, not pizza, but something else delicious.

Okay, if you want to order pizza, could I have your phone number, please?

Yes.

Okay.

Could I have your phone number, please?

808.

Okay.

371.

Okay.

2-0-1-4

Hello. Thank you for holding.

Hello. Yes, I'm getting angry.

Getting angry. Hello. Yes.

Yes, hello.

It's too much echo.

No, not this time.

There we go. That's how it turned out.

Yeah.

With the white devil voice.

You laughing with the white devil voice is very scary, man.

No, I suppose

if I was the one that you were calling,

I wouldn't...

I would think it's pretty scary.

Carrie.

Yeah.

To call the restaurant and tell you that your wife is coming and they have to hide the knife, the coffee, the soup.

Hot stuff again?

Yeah, yeah, that's a good one.

If you want to.

I can't, I was drinking water.

I can do that.

I would fuck away.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking.

I want to call some hotel guests.

Make it work.

Or when they pick up, just be like, your mother sucks cocks in hell with white towel.

Hey, Dwight.

That one's extreme.

That was a bit extreme.

Plan a fucking hand.

Previously on the MC to Walking Dead, Dwight was calling a person in a hotel and saying,

go suck a cock in hell.

I do.

Is this your solitary man?

Yeah.

But until love can find me

A girl who'll stay and won't play

Gangs behind me

I will be what I am

Solitary man

Poor guy

Yeah, it's pretty sad

Me and strong

World

Alright, stop singing

why are you saying and talking like that why are you talking like that oh because the phone is

ringing that's why i answered it sir oh good good that's that's how you're supposed to answer good

Good work.

Okay.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm calling from the corporate office about the hot coffee.

Yeah, hot coffee?

Yeah.

What happened, sir?

We need to do a test of the hot coffee.

There seems to be a problem with it.

There's a report that some of the hot coffee that's been going out has flu germs in it.

But it's really easy to find out.

Do you have like a bucket?

Yeah.

Yeah. Is it

empty? Yes, sir. Alright, can

you go to any of the

coffees that are currently brewed

and just empty?

We just make a hot coffee store, so it's freshly and no germs.

No, we have to do the test.

You have to do the test?

Yeah, we have to.

Oh, you're from the main office?

Yes, from the corporate office.

Okay.

Just a moment, and I'm going to talk to our assistant manager.

Okay, thank you.

Okay.

Solitary, man.

I love you, man.

Yeah, honey.

The manager in the system manager just left already.

That's fine.

You can do it.

It's just really quick.

Okay.

All right.

So do you have...

All right.

Is this a cordless phone?

Hmm?

This phone is cordless?

What's that?

The phone is cordless?

No, it's not.

I'm in the office.

Okay.

So go ahead and take an empty bucket, and you need to dump all of one of the coffee

urns, the entire thing into the bucket, and then come back to the phone.

and I'll tell you what to do.

Okay.

Empty the bucket?

Yeah.

It has to be an empty bucket.

Okay.

All right.

Science.

And the girl who'll stay

and won't leave

I'm guessing this is going to take a while.

I'll be what I am.

We can talk.

What's going on?

A solitary man.

Hey.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

I muted my mic.

Any request, Milkman?

Yeah.

Solitary man.

The white.

that's not johnny cash horse with no name is that johnny cash no oh i'm sorry johnny cash only okay

that's like the mexican hat dance hey carlito what i heard in the shield a cholo is it mexican

gang in the u.s it's like a mexican gang member in okay in the united states is it is it real

thing or just a movie thing that's a real thing okay yeah same thing for the niners and the the

The Bizlet and...

Are Bizlets real?

I think...

I don't know.

I thought Bizlets were from The Shield.

What the fuck is he doing watching The Shield?

Yeah, is that from The Shield?

I thought Bizlets were from The Shield.

Yes, yes.

Like I told you.

I thought Bizlets...

Dude, The Shield was the best fucking show ever.

Yeah.

You are the one that put me into this.

You were saying a quote about the guy who was masturbating on the window

and watching the couple and the cop arrest him.

And I thought it was funny.

And then I start watching it in season one, season two, three, four, five.

Right now I'm in the season five.

Out of six, right?

I don't know.

Is there six?

I think it almost went eight years.

Really?

Hold on.

What's the last episode?

Like what's going on now in the story?

Right now, hold on.

There is a contractor who's building something.

thing and the mackie is uh arresting uh no not arresting but he acevedo acevedo is like trying

to get mayor and he's receiving uh money from this guy the mexican guy who's uh who's tied to

international money laundering yeah i guess i know what you're talking about yeah yeah i think

you're still like two seasons out okay have any of the strike team members died yeah okay yeah

I won't say the names to ruin the show for people.

Not the first one on the pilot episode, right?

No, no, no.

That one is long gone.

It's obvious, yeah.

Yeah, and there is like, you know, the guy who, well, it's hard to say,

but you know the one that used to be a good friend with Mackie

and for one season is like out of the gang and now he's trying to come back.

Like, Mackie's, like, saying, yeah, we will give you the good eye and, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's trying.

But I'm about there in the show.

I think you're right, though, Dwight.

I think that was eight seasons.

Am I right?

Let me see.

Yeah, you keep watching.

It's fucking great-ass ending.

Yeah.

Oh, the ending is fucking epic, man.

Yeah, I'm, like, at the season's...

Oh, no, I'm not at season five.

I'm at season seven.

All right, so you got one season left after this.

yeah I guess

yeah

is it worth

is it watching

yeah

the last season

it wasn't as good

as the others

but you gotta watch it

to wrap it up

and there's still

some really cool shit

especially towards the end

it gets really epic

and the end

the finale

it was actually

a really good finale

the finale

it's not like lust

you know

no

the finale actually

was something

where like the next

I was like damn

it went down like that

I can't believe

yeah

oh yeah

well good

I'm glad you met

you found the shield

because yeah thank you yeah as a veda getting raped was like my one of the funniest moments

because for like a whole season and a half they would keep yeah the suspense previously

well they keep showing previously on the shield and the guy's going suck it come on man put it

in your mouth suck it like a prison bitch you have the gun next to my head and i was forced

to suck his dick his wife was a bit oh she heard all that shit yeah she has something now to to

tell to our co-workers i guess that wife was a bitch that yeah as to be his wife when he told

her that he got mouth raped by a mexican gang why did you do that because i wanted to live

yeah well what would you do if you have a gun next to your head

I guess

he would do anything

he got him back though

he killed him

yeah but

he went nuts

he went in a killing spree

yeah

after that he killed everyone

and is it really

it's less gay

because he threw it

he threw it all up

at the end of the episode

remember

yeah but

you know the other guy

that went to prison

yeah

he died about

because of a

40 pound drum

bell

that was

dropped on his head

on his head

yeah

Anton Mitchell

had his ass killed

yeah

dude that

That season, it had Glenn Close, Antoine Mitchell, and Anthony Anderson, and the one, the black guy that has the funny eye.

Oh, yeah, Kavanaugh.

Yeah, well, whoever.

Forrest Whitaker?

No, not Forrest Whitaker.

Yeah, Forrest Whitaker, right?

Forrest Whitaker, yeah, that's who it was.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I tell you the show's name.

think that's season six or five yeah correct correct five or six that was the best season

that right that was like the peak of that show yeah that guy's is like so i don't know like

how you say in english but stick he's sticking to mackie like or a fly on shit yeah he's he's

obsessed with him yeah obsessed yeah that's the word but then mackie fucked his wife

oh shit

fuck your wife

she smells like

she tastes like

sweet butter

yeah that's the word

hey man you have

great memory

you remember the quotes

perfectly

I love that show

are you kidding

I saw every episode

I've seen this

I've seen it all the way

through twice

oh okay

you have like the

the case with the

DVD in it

or

yeah I have

downloaded

all of them

except for like the

60s and the 60s

and I just have

downloaded

oh okay

yeah

I was buying them

as they were coming out

it's expensive though

yeah it was well i was buying them as they came out like oh shit like 50 bucks yeah each season

yeah like once a year i was buying i was getting it for christmas yeah that and i got arrested

development that way too i just watched online yeah now you can just watch them online yeah

me i i download them yeah but i guess it's important that you support the person who

make those kind of series yeah otherwise they won't have a job that's the only show that that

Arrested Development and

Shrooms of Fire.

The only shows that I bought.

The other one, now I'm forgetting.

Dwight, Ken,

who was the black comedian with the show

on Comedy Central that did really good

and he went to Africa and went crazy?

Chappelle.

I never heard about it.

Is it good?

Yeah, very funny.

When it came out, it was groundbreaking.

Are you kidding?

Can you put the detail in the Skype chat?

i will try to look that uh yeah three seasons three seasons plus four lost episodes oh i'll

get anyway hey we gotta do pranks people are gonna get ants yeah sorry sorry everyone uh ken are there

blog talk shows you want me to hit up uh take up a lot of time to hang on the phone with them

all right i'm sorry i didn't even know i didn't know anyone was going on i'm like yeah

fucking i'll do a couple hours i don't know either i just like i put the chat room to decide and i

I just set everything up and came back.

I was like, all right, I'm going on.

And I saw your mess.

I was like, ah, shit.

Sorry.

No, no, it don't matter.

I'll do one Tuesday.

I guess Gary was awfully fucking sad that we didn't show up on Wednesday.

Really?

Yeah.

Nova went back and listened to his last show to see if anybody went and spoiled the break

we were trying to give.

Yeah.

And let me see.

He's got a little...

What is it?

we were fucking exchanging shit on like

cats on camera we were trying to hit

them with toys and shit

oh here it is he said he's listening to the

show and they're talking about us going

he calls it to a bunch of different

shows

I'm surprised there's no phony phone calls tonight

yeah must be some kind of

parade or something

that's what I want you to do motherfucker

buy into we're gone and then

a couple more weeks

surprise motherfucker

yeah just like okay

Yeah, that's...

Yay, Solitary Man again.

Is it?

Play When the Man Comes Around.

Oh, that's a good one, too.

Oh, yeah, I was getting there.

No, no, When the Man Comes Around, we already played that.

That was the first song I played.

Hey, Carnito, I have to say something to Dwight.

Can I? Just one second, please.

Hey, Dwight, you there?

You want to fight?

No, no, I don't.

You want a fist fight at the Walmart?

No, I just want to...

Just seriously, I just wanted to apologize for the last time.

That's all right.

I just fucking copy and pasted the last number to fucking Nova

because I was looking back at the shit.

Okay.

So no hard feelings?

No, we're good.

Yeah, hard.

Fuck yeah.

No, I think it's funny that Framework says, no, H's.

He never pronounces H.

All right.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, Dwight.

All right, Carlito, you take it from here.

i gotta go get some beer in a second out of beer no i gotta go to the fridge i haven't opened any

yet milkman you there i was trying sorry i i have a thing i don't know 11 o'clock like i won't open

it up before then to see my room give me a moment i'm distracted because i'm trying to get the sound

effects working they're not working it would just be because i'd be i was always like waiting for

Dirty Aaron shows when he was going on it

like midnight. Midnight, 1 o'clock

and if I started any earlier than 11

then by the time I got on with him, I'd be

fucking just gone.

You gotta pace yourself, man.

Yeah, that's why I do it at 11.

But I don't count on his shows anymore because he's a

motherfucker.

Just give me a minute

here, please. I actually wanted

Milkman to play the guitar. He's home. Milkman,

are you home? Can you play the guitar?

He's in the car.

Come on, baby. I suck your dick.

He was on his way home, said he was going to play the guitar.

I suck your dick.

Tell my boss I suck your dick.

I need to go check my fantasy football.

Really?

Football started?

Hey, breaking news here.

Mike Rollins on Facebook is in a relationship just announced.

All right.

Oh, shit.

Congratulations, whoever you are.

Hey, call him.

Call him.

I don't know who he is.

Oh, okay.

I'm sure Dashie can find him.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah, Mike.

Maybe he's listening.

Maybe.

Maybe. Shout out to him.

He's probably going to get laid very soon.

Probably.

If that is not already done.

Unless it's a psycho crazy

long distance thing.

Chop his balls and put it right into his mouth.

Green Bee is saying

call him anyways.

Call him anyways.

We'll call Wendy's and say it to them.

Here we go.

And announce them the good news.

Have you heard about the good news?

Mike Rollins is a YouTube, Facebook official.

What?

You didn't hear about the winner?

I don't know if you can hear me or not.

Now I can hear you, yeah.

I've been telling you, get your guitar out, man.

Yeah, you are supposed to play.

Hey, Milkman, are you working the night shift?

Oh.

Shut up.

Hello?

Can I help you?

Yeah, Milkman's playing the guitar.

I just want...

I'm sorry, Milk.

I want to let you know, Mike Rollins just made a Facebook official.

He's in a relationship.

Yay!

And now here's a song by Milkman.

She's gone.

Hello?

Hello, ma'am?

Hello?

She's there, but not answering.

She's still there.

The adventure tours will be closed.

Hawaiian all-star people.

Hey, Milkman, that was good, man.

What kind of guitar is that?

What's up, man?

Man, I'm sure it sounds horrible over a microphone.

No, no, it didn't.

It did sound pretty good.

What is that, a Rusty Gibson?

No, this is my 12-string Taylor.

It's the one I got on my book.

It has 12 strings on it?

Yeah.

What?

Like 12.

You got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12.

Same.

Is it Bender or Fender a good mark for a guitar?

Fender is one of the greatest.

I don't know guitars at all.

Fenders is one of the best you can get, of course, yeah.

I got a Taylor.

This is an acoustic, and you can play it electric or acoustic.

I just got plugged in with these.

Those are good, too.

Because I think Gibson, isn't Paul McCartney use Gibson or something like that?

He had a Hoffner, original one, that little violin-looking thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like a one-and-only deal.

But, yeah, that was his bass.

But Fender and Gibson are great names.

You're exactly right.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't know a lot about guitar.

I just heard those names and people just referring them as good ones.

And I was just wondering if you were...

Absolutely, man.

The Stratocaster, Change the World, Les Paul, that's another one.

Les Paul's dead.

He's dead.

Hey, Mr. Guitarist, this is Alvin.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hey.

How are you doing?

I'm fine.

Hey, you're Frank?

No, no, no.

Oh, hey, Alvi.

How are you?

Fine.

Okay, good.

I wanted to make an order.

Okay, what kind of order?

One food.

I'm sorry?

Food.

Uh, hot food.

Okay, if they can't help you.

No, no, no, it's not.

All right, thank you.

Listen, come on, no.

You can help me.

Dick.

How much is those guitars usually?

Like, thousands?

Ten thousand?

I don't know.

What is his name?

What is Davi?

Is that your fucking cat?

Yeah, Davi.

Davi.

Hey, Mr. McDonald.

Davi can help you.

Hey, this is Davi.

Can I help you?

Is Davi there?

This is Alvin.

Alvin.

Is that what you said your name was when I called earlier?

Yeah, this is a crack call.

I'm sorry.

I told you.

I was telling you it wasn't.

It's a serious call.

Well, you wanted a food.

Well, you keep telling me food and hot food.

What did you want?

Sandwich?

All right.

Goodbye.

Thank you, Neon.

Rather abrupt there.

Yeah, they don't take shit like Corito says.

Okay, bye.

How would you like your egg?

Cooked?

Cooked.

with heat you say they're like okay see you okay bye okay bye okay two minutes bye i'll take this

fucking bullshit carlito fucking rg3 got hurt and dude fucking i left sammy watkins on the bench

with like 28 points it's it's not um his knee again though right it's his ankle yeah they said

he dislocated his ankle they said they don't know how long he's gonna be out wow he's like he's not

He's not my main guy.

He's going to be out.

Yeah, that's basically what happened.

Well, I broke my ankle, but it dislocated afterwards.

Fuck.

That guy just can't catch a break.

Yeah, what's up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Please continue.

No, what were you saying?

No.

Okay, okay.

I was just asking about, do you still order food and finish the order, hang up, call them

back 10 minutes, 15 minutes after that, and just cancel it just to get them mad?

I don't as much.

I did it.

Well, when did I do it?

What was that sushi place, Ken?

You remember?

Oh, no, I don't.

But I think you ordered pizza, too, and some shit like that.

Oh, Milkman was on.

Milkman, you were on for that, right?

The sushi guy at St. Thomas that I called and I ordered the sushi.

Yeah, that guy was really cool.

You could leave a nice order, man.

He was really helpful.

He's a good guy.

It was a lot of money in sushi.

It was like $60, and I felt bad.

And one time you just ordered a lot of food.

I can't believe how many times he answered.

Oh, yeah.

They tell you the total.

You said, okay, don't make that food.

Just a prank.

Because it was too much.

It is, yeah.

I don't want to.

Yeah, not running business here.

I'm trying not to do that anymore.

Frank responsibly, people.

Yeah, because it's usually like small businesses.

Yeah.

Sushi is high dollar.

And down there, dude, that's like gold.

It's very expensive down there.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Lowe's for what?

Hey, is it the...

Yes, the Lowe's for Lett.

For direction to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak to the operator...

For transferring to appliances, please hold.

Please hold the line.

Please hold.

Welcome to BT Answer 1571.

Please hold.

I think they were going to upgrade BT Answer 1571.

It's always been 1-5-7-1 since I've done this show.

Yeah.

I heard on Baz,

International Love and Sloth,

too, when he called UK Wankers.

Yeah.

You have International, don't you?

Yeah, I do. I did UK Wankers for years.

UK Wankers for years.

Yeah.

You called the Lowe's in Hawaii.

Yeah.

And after you had been transferred

a handful of times,

I called them up and told them

and there was this fucking guy back in the lumberyard.

Like, he had made a little bunker, and he was living there.

Hello?

Hi, how you doing?

Good.

What's going on?

You nervous?

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, what are you doing?

Coke?

You doing some blows?

Sounds like you've got a sniffy nose.

Yeah, I did.

I have a runny nose.

Oh, okay.

I hear you.

Where are you at?

The front, or what department?

Yeah, I'm in customer service.

I need you to talk to someone in power tool machines.

Okay.

He's so high.

Hold on, I have to pick up the phone

I told them you had a bunker back there

and that you had a

fucking sleeping bag

and a pillow and all this shit

and I was like, he's calling the front desk

to have him transfer you

all over the fucking place

and I was waiting for you to call back

so they could be like, sir, you can't live in our store

You gotta record it when you do stuff like that

This is the same

The same Lowe's, by the way.

I'm sure glad that Mattis Fish decided to put Brandon Marshall on the bench

because he's just caught his second fucking touchdown.

Nice.

Hey, what happened to the federal charge that you were supposed to be charged with?

Federal charge?

Yeah.

Tool World, Larry speaking.

Yeah, hi.

Tool World, Larry speaking.

You're in Tools?

That's correct.

Is it Larry?

I never heard Tools before.

Tool World, like that.

How can I help you?

I don't see if you have the machine.

To be a little more specific.

specific. It has like a thing on the front and a button. You hold it by the thing. You pull the

button and it goes around. Do you have a brand name or an item number? Orange. Orange. Yeah,

it's orange. Yeah, so that's the color of the tool. I have yellow. That's DeWalt. I don't have

orange. I don't know. Do you think it's a yellow and orange? What do you think? Look at this picture

Sure, here. What do you think?

You're on the phone. I can't see anything.

I have a camera phone.

Okay, who are you showing it to?

It's you.

How can you show it to me? Why are you talking to me over the phone?

Yeah, but I got the video on and I'm holding it up to the camera.

Okay.

Look at the phone. You should show up if you look at the phone.

Take the phone off your face and look at it real quick. You'll see it.

My phone does not have a viewer. This is a regular phone.

But they all come with that.

No, my phone does not have a viewer. It just has an earpiece.

Okay, you sound like you're in a bad mood. Am I bothering you?

No, it's kind of strange, the things that you're saying.

Not very descriptive.

Well, you know, it's got a round part.

It's got a part that a battery can go into.

It comes with a cord.

It goes around.

It goes.

When you push it, it goes.

Is it a grinder? Is it a drill?

Is it a circular saw?

What is it?

It can probably do a lot of that stuff, yeah.

Would it help if I told you what I'm going to do with it?

It would help if you told me what tool you're looking for.

I'm just looking for one tool, and it's this one right here in the picture.

I can't see it because I don't have a viewer on this phone.

It just has an earpiece.

I've explained that to you already.

Are you at the cash register?

I'm in tool world department on the phone that only has an earpiece.

So there's no cash register near you or computer ordering machine?

Okay, in order to use the computer terminal, I'm going to have to have an item number, brand name, or a model number of the tool.

It's a machine?

I can't punch in orange and I can't punch in machine. It won't find anything. We need something more specific.

Can you put in that it goes?

No, I can't.

Would it help if I told you?

I can tell you what I'm going to do with it.

Maybe that will help you.

Okay, try.

It's for holes.

It's a drill.

Well, I mean, the thing goes down and it goes, you know, like that.

Like it shows here.

I have no idea what you're saying when you're saying, like it shows here.

Oh, yeah.

Because I don't have a viewer.

This is a phone with only an earpiece.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You pull the thing, and it goes, and it's for the holes.

You just said it was something.

I didn't say it was anything.

You said you were going to describe it to me, and you just tried,

and I don't know what that's describing.

You don't have to say, you don't have to use profanity.

Not at you.

I was just thinking, trying to come up with something, you know?

Okay, please refrain from using profanity.

I'm sorry.

It, yeah.

Is there like a SKU number thing you can use?

I can use an item number if you have a brand name.

If I have a brand name?

The brand name is Drill?

R-I-L-L.

Yeah.

I haven't heard of that brand name.

It's what it says on the paper here.

See right here where it says Drill?

Okay.

Okay, so the type of tool it is, is a drill.

Do you have a brand name of the drill?

If it's yellow, it's probably DeWalt.

No, no, nothing like that.

I don't know.

Okay, I'm not going to be able to find it if you can't give me more information.

Let me look here.

Hang on.

I mean, you're sure you can't see this at all?

Like, I'm trying, I'm holding it up and everything.

This phone has only an earpiece, no viewer.

I think I've made that clear to you.

Okay, all right.

I think I see it here.

it says it has a number here um 516782 are you using a computer yes i am please hold on okay

i'm just so bad at this shit man i hate myself i'm so bad at this shit you know that model number

in our system refers to a pressure washer yeah that's what i'm looking at here okay is it a

Detroit-built pressure washer.

2-800-PSI, 2.3 GPM carb, compliant cold water, gas pressure washer with brakes and Stratton engine.

That's it.

We have 18 on hand.

That's not in the tool department, however.

Yeah, this is...

Outside power equipment.

No, no, no.

Outside power equipment is extension 259.

Wait a minute, but this isn't...

It's not what I'm calling about.

Okay, what are you calling about?

Well, I'm calling about the drill, I guess.

Yes, that's in this picture here that I was showing you.

I can't see a picture because this phone only has an earpiece.

That's the fourth time I told you that.

Well, you told me that you couldn't put it in with what I was giving you unless you had an item number.

So I went out to the website and found an item number.

Yes.

So I gave you an item number, but now I need you to look up this one here that I'm talking about in this picture.

What's that mean on my computer?

Up on the website.

Which one?

The one that I have here in my hand?

Lowe's.com.

Okay.

All right.

What picture do you have?

The one that I have here?

The picture of the compressor.

I have no idea what picture you have because this phone only has an earpiece.

It does not have a viewer.

That's the fifth time I've been telling you that.

I understand that.

I'm just saying I have a picture here.

You can't see it.

This is what I need.

It came from Lowe's website, and you said just give you an item number,

and then you said I can't look it up with what you're telling me unless I have an item number.

So I went to the Lowe's website and found the first item number I saw, and I gave it to you.

And your point is?

So now go ahead and put in orange, machine go, whatever it is that you were saying.

That to General Church.

Okay.

Oh, so.

Can you go to the manufacturer's website?

Because I have the code for the manufacturer.

Who's the manufacturer?

It doesn't say.

It just has a website.

Then how can I go to the website without knowing who the manufacturer is?

But I can give you the website.

Okay, go ahead.

It says meatspin.com.

It says machineengineeringandtechnologiespin.com.

Meet me at spin.

Did it come up?

Yeah, and there's Meatspin.com on www.reddit.com.

There also comes Meatspin.com on LockerDome.com.

But Meatspin by itself doesn't come up.

No, there's a Meatspin.com.

Did you put it in the Google bar or the address bar?

The Google bar.

Well, you have to put it in the address bar, sir.

Then say so.

Are you there yet?

It's not letting me in.

We have a filter on our store computer.

It doesn't let me in.

I guess it's not deemed safe by laws.

Can you get around that?

No.

I can give you a proxy server you can connect on.

No, I can't connect to anything.

You can't do a proxy?

Not from a store, no.

Can you go to hidemyass.com?

Because that's like a...

Nope.

All right.

Can you try the...

It says tools under Bavaria girl.ca.

It's a German company.

It says tools Uber Bavaria.

I can give you that website.

What are you typing?

Tools under Bavaria Girl.

Well, it's tubgirl.ca.

And then you have to put in the address bar.

Don't forget.

Okay.

I don't have an address bar.

I only have the bar that you can Google.

But you said...

That's all Lowe's lets us use.

Oh, wow.

I think we're going to figure this out.

Nope.

It doesn't let me in.

They have a filter on the work computer.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So can the pressure washer, can you convert that?

I don't know.

It's not in my department.

I can transfer you to the inside garden person.

No, you're just looking for a reason to get rid of me, goddammit.

I am not looking for a reason to get rid of you.

God.

You are being difficult.

Goddammit.

You are being difficult.

You're using profanity.

Sexual organs, vagina.

I'm telling you.

Penises, labia.

That the person that knows how to convert a pressure washer is in inside garden, outside power equipment.

and I can transfer it to you, to that department.

I am not looking for a reason to get rid of you.

Okay.

Is there a drill there you can recommend that I can use for the hole?

Lots of drills that you can use to create a hole.

So which one do I use?

Come down and take a look at them.

No, I need to know which one.

There's lots of different ones.

Do you have a thing that I can use to test the drills with?

Can I plug it in?

We do have an outlet that you can plug the drills into, yes.

Okay, and then I want to see how good it is at unscrewing all the brackets on the shelves.

We're not going to let you unscrew brackets on shelves.

Sir, with all due respect, you're not going to be able to really stop me from doing anything after I plug it in.

Yes, I will.

You can.

I won't allow you to plug it in if you're going to disassemble our shelves.

You are not allowed to disassemble our shelves.

I'll put them back together after I disassemble them.

Then I will not, no.

No, I will not allow you to do that.

The drill's for putting things together.

That's what it's for.

I will not allow you to take apart our shelves, period.

How about the cash register?

Or like the computer?

Can I take apart the computers?

Hello?

Do you really expect me to answer that?

Why are you asking such outlandish questions?

Because I really want to test to make sure it works for the whole.

So if I figure...

You will not be able to disassemble our equipment, period.

Can I install a viewer on your phone?

No, no.

Well, you see how it shows in this picture here how you disassemble everything with it?

For the sixth time, this phone does not have a viewer.

But I can install it with the drill.

No, you can't because I won't allow you to.

When do you leave for the day?

I leave at 10 p.m.

Is that when you close?

Do you close at 10 or do you just leave at 10?

I close at 10.

All right, so you're not there in the morning, right?

Tomorrow morning?

No, I do not have the morning shift.

Oh, that's when I'll come in.

And what was your name?

My name is Larry.

What is your name?

Oh, cross.

I'll tell them that Larry said I could come in and disassemble the shelves.

When they ask me why I'm doing it, I'm going to say Larry last night told me to come in.

Tell them whatever you want.

They'll know it's not true.

Yeah, they will.

Because I would not say that.

I'll show them this piece of paper right here that has your signature.

That's not going to prove anything, and you do not have my signature.

Yes, I do.

They're not going to believe you.

Look at it.

You see?

Yeah.

do you like chipotle maybe i can bring you some chipotle and then i can do whatever

does the bathroom have an outlet in it hello is this because i'm a howley fuck fucking shit

fucking ass fucking shit fucker listen to me you motherfucker and you get me that fucking outlet

and put i'm gonna put the fucking drill that motherfucking outlet motherfucker then i'm

gonna disassemble all the floor and everything then i'm gonna disassemble the drill with my

My bare hand, motherfucker.

Can I drill your wife?

I'm going to have to hang up.

Alright, fine. You win. I'll hang up. Bye.

Alright, I just got bored.

Holy shit.

No disassemble!

Your Johnny Five is alive!

You should have asked me for a

metric crescent wrench, because that would have really

fucked me up.

Metric crescent wrench?

Yeah, I had somebody try that with me

when I worked at Sears in the tool department.

I'm like, it's a fucking adjustable wrench.

It'll fit fucking metric and regular.

Come the fuck on.

Metric, crescent, range.

That would have been a surprise.

So call him back.

I'll fucking ask him to.

All right.

That was tools department.

Yeah.

God.

Dude, every time that he said,

I don't have a viewer,

I lost my shit every time here.

I'm laughing.

He was fucking escalating.

Jesus.

Then tell me.

All right, let's see what the option is.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

For appliances, press 4.

Lumber and building materials, press 5.

Flooring, press 6.

Hardware and tools, press 7.

For more departments, press 8.

To repeat these options, press 9.

Transferring to hardware and tools.

Tools, please hold.

Right?

I would think so.

Yeah, Tool World.

That is what they call it over there.

Tool World, yeah.

He's in Tool World, all right.

That call was awesome.

That's your call?

Yeah, the tool department.

One moment.

Thank you.

Hopefully it's Larry.

Larry's probably shooting a fucking store up by now,

disassembling all his shelves.

What an asshole.

He's hiding from the phone.

I smashed the fucker after that last call.

Now this phone doesn't have a view piece or a near piece.

I've told you for the

seventh time

I'm looking for Larry

he told me more than seven times

he told me like ten I think

he just kept saying it

every time he'd react the same way

come on motherfucker

oh come on

I'll call a different apartment

the front's taking forever to answer

he's probably at the front desk right now

that guy's calling again

he's tipping over shit everywhere

he's fucking throwing shit on the floor

Thank you for calling.

This is the place I called that day that you were talking about.

Just get the call.

I'll get the phone.

I'll tell them about the man in the back again.

Transferring to paint.

Paint time.

Paint guy's usually in a good mood, right?

Because he gets to sniff it all day.

Call.

How you doing?

Is this the customer service?

Yeah, this is customer service.

Yeah, I was trying to get hold of the tools department, but nobody was picking up over there.

But I had just walked down by the lumber.

You guys aware you got somebody living in here?

Hello who is this

Who am I speaking with

Yeah this is Dwight

How may I help you

I'm doing pretty good

I wanted to alert you about something

I was in there probably about 25 minutes ago

I was back over there by the lumber

Do you guys know you got somebody living in here

Somebody living in here

Yeah he's got this little

Like bunker type thing constructed

And I thought it was a little weird

Because it was one of them sleeping bags

And a pillow and like a bunch of food wrappers

Oh, yeah?

Where's that number?

It's in the inside.

Shit, I don't remember what it was.

It's not the outside.

It's the inside.

Okay.

Was he there when you saw him?

No, but I wouldn't expect him to be gone long.

There was a cell phone laying on the pillow.

Okay, I appreciate it.

I'm going to go take a look at that.

I didn't want to touch somebody else's property, but I didn't know if you guys knew or maybe

if it was a relative or something like that or a worker that maybe they were allowed.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I appreciate you telling me.

I'm going to let one of my managers know.

Okay.

I mean, don't tell them that I told you, because I don't want to get in some trouble.

No, not a problem.

Okay, you have yourself a good night there, pal.

You too, bud.

Goodbye.

Bye, bud.

I think they're talking about us.

They all know.

The last time, I was like, this motherfucker, he's having you transfer him all over.

They knew about it, because you kept calling people assholes on the phone.

Because I hit him up for a good half hour straight, and it was constant calls.

Oh, it's like every department, I think.

But I could get the pickup, I talked to him.

And he told that guy, you were on the Lowe's site or whatever,

and he's like, Lowe's.com.

Oh, shit, I'm on Home Depot's site.

That might be part of the problem.

Like how he yelled at me, you got to tell me, or whatever he said.

About it happening, because he Googled the website.

I had typed something about it, what was it?

A bunch of my Johnny Five Alive.

Oh, then say so.

Then say so.

Damn.

Sorry.

I'm driving around Honolulu here, looking for places to call.

Here's a restaurant called Roy's.

Let's see if they're open still.

I'm going to do that thing I tried yesterday where I was giving,

reading back negative Yelp reviews for the places I was calling.

They keep getting real pissy.

Website.

Let's look at the reviews.

They're pretty high.

Start reading them fake reviews.

Make your own.

This is from other places.

No, I like to keep it real.

This is a two-star review.

Someone left a shit in the toilet.

I saw this, and then I saw the food they brought me.

I couldn't tell which is which.

All right, here's one.

One-star review.

Very disappointed in the food.

Okay.

Hi, this is Tamara speaking, how may I help you?

How are you doing?

Great, how are you doing?

I'm not doing too good.

How can I make it better?

We were very disappointed in the food at your location.

We had been there many times.

times um there's we have a roy's in san francisco which is excellent um you know we ordered an

appetizer salad chocolate souffle which was excellent and then one of the entrees we ordered

was the surf and turf duck breast and scallops and i cut into the smallest scallop it was cold

and still raw in the middle god damn it and then i had to send that back to the fucking kitchen to

to be cooked more and the sauce was also over salted along with salt on the scallops god damn

it's fucking disgusting and then they made the meat very hard to eat okay so i can connect you

to manager i had to push all the fucking vegetables to one side because you put too much salt okay so

i'll connect you to a manager can i put you in a brief hold hurry up it's because i'm naming the

actual dishes and shit they're like oh damn shit i'm gonna read the whole thing see if i can get

through it. Halfway through, it starts saying

motherfucker.

I think the chef called you a faggot.

To do, but roll

around

in the shed all

day. Like that

lucky yo.

Yeah, I'm not very happy. I just had

a bad experience, goddammit.

At where? At Roy's.

At Roy's, fuck. Uh, what night?

Tonight. Uh, we just opened at 5.30, sir.

Yeah, but we were very disappointed

in the food. Tonight? Yeah, last night.

Oh, that thing.

Yeah, we've been there many times.

We have a Roy's in San Francisco that's excellent.

And then we ordered an appetizer, salad, the chocolate souffle, which were good.

And then one of the entrees was the surf and turf, duck breast, and scallops.

I cut into the smallest scallop.

It was cold and still raw in the middle.

Raw!

I had to send it back to the stupid people in the kitchen to be cooked more.

Then the sauce was also over-salted with all the fucking salt on it, on the scallops, too.

And it made the meal very hard to eat because it was so fucking salty.

And I had to push all the stupid vegetables to one side due to the added salt on that, too.

God damn it.

Well, can I get your name, sir?

Cross.

Second dish we ordered was the steam snapper.

You know that dish?

The whole fish?

Yeah, the fish.

It wasn't washed well.

Well, there was very fishy around the belly area, and the worst part was that the fish was full of scales.

I kept having to eat around this.

I don't think the fish was ever cleaned out or just not cleaned well, obviously, because your people are stupid.

Oh, thank you.

I do apologize about that again, sir.

Did you bring it to the attention of a manager last night?

There was a greeter talking to the people in the dining room, seeing how the dinner was,

but maybe because i'm asian uh but they they she never made it to my table or made any eye contact

if he did i would have told him how horrible the entrees were i can't believe i was so

fucking mad okay and i went to the car and i punched my wife oh i i do apologize i'm gonna

tell all tourists and locals to save their goddamn fucking money because the quality of

food isn't there anymore uh your menu is more expensive than the other fucking locations

I remember, remember Rory Yamaguchi?

Mm-hmm.

Remember when he was cooking in the kitchen?

Yeah, well, that was back in the day, yeah.

Yeah, he used to greet all the diners and come out and see how they were fucking doing.

And ever since then, way downhill, because it's all a bunch of Howleys that run this place.

Well, I will bring this up to my job manager.

Are you a Howley?

No, sir, I'm an agent as well.

Oh, you are?

Then why are you discriminating against your own people?

I was off last night, sir.

Yeah, the chef came over to me and he said, I took a big shit.

he said he said to me and he didn't he said he didn't wash his hands really he said he just took

he came by and he said to my wife i just took a big fucking shit and i didn't wash my hands and

he was like oh and he drank he like pulled out a like an alcohol bottle of whiskey a small flask

and he took a swig of it right in front of us and he went back to the kitchen i really doubt that

sir he did motherfucker oh yeah yeah motherfucker okay stupid ass you don't fucking believe me

Is there anything I can help you with, sir?

I want free food.

You want free food?

Yeah.

Bring it to my general manager who's in contact with you.

I want to make an order of him.

You may have a contact number first, sir.

No.

Well, unfortunately, I'm not going to take your order then.

All right, 396-2014.

And you want to make an order for tonight?

Yeah.

Sure, what can we get for you?

One surf and turd duck breast and scallops without all the fucking salt.

Anything else?

One steam snapper.

Okay.

And what time are we picking it up at?

And your sister.

Really?

I'm going to have to see.

Never mind then.

Yeah.

Bring her.

Bring your sister.

Come front.

Really?

I'm going to hang up now, sir.

No, come front with your sister.

I want to take care of her for you.

I'm going to watch her.

Yay!

You mean nothing.

I pissed him off.

You should have offered to let him fuck his own sister.

You know, get him in on it.

You can watch.

Mike Rollins says thanks for the shout out

for noticing that he

is now in a sexual

relationship alright

with a man? I don't know and that's okay

Dwight what's wrong with you?

it's okay to be gay

as long as you don't admit to it

to us you know or talk about it

in the chat room like I'm gay I'm gay

we don't want to know

everyone's gay every now and again

even gay people should not

talk about it

No, I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

And I'm kidding on you, all right?

Milkman, you like gay people, right?

You love them a lot, right?

I will try them all.

I'm on your side.

And my old times get rough.

And friends just can't be found.

Like a bridge over troubled water.

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

I'll thaw you down on the pillow.

I got a down pillow.

I put my wife down on it.

My wife wanted to negligee.

She neglected it.

Is this one that's a motherfucker?

It's ass-sack-io.

A-S-S-A-G-G-I-O

Yeah, I'd like to make an order.

Sure, what can I get for you?

One ass.

I'm sorry?

One ass.

I'm sorry, what was that?

One ass.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

One ass.

One ass?

What is...

It's on the menu.

It says ass.

A-S-S.

Um, not too sure what that is.

It says it on the fucking menu.

Oh.

Um...

Fucking asshole.

Oh.

I'm sorry?

I said fucking asshole.

I'm sorry.

What?

point. Let me find someone that

can help you. Yeah, find a man, okay?

Like a bridge

over

a tree.

Calling her asshole and saying, man, not a problem.

Singing, end of call.

So hard.

It's because you were better than she.

It says it on the menu.

That's the name of the place.

Ass A-G-I-N-G.

Just select to make an order, woman.

Okay. Okay, one ass.

Fuck you.

I'll change my caller ID

if you ask for ass

there, Brent.

Ah, Ken.

Here we go.

All for naught.

They left it off.

Fuck that.

They left it off.

all your dreams are on their way see how they shine see you send some numbers

so this is what new number oh skype new number yeah

you do this call you do this call who is it the first kaylee

yo kaylee yes how are you doing that baby who are you yeah this is dwight who dwight i don't know

know you yeah you know me i mean what what's the what's the problem there cool night

aloha thank you for calling ross white cards this is jennifer how can i help you hey gaziza how are

you uh good evening all right when does the stupid truck come in again when i hear the store oh i

have no idea this is a thursday store or tuesday store for delivery uh we get deliveries multiple

days during the week uh how can i it could be saturday so i don't know what time did they

come in sexy i don't know i don't work the night shift that way so i i have no idea what time the

trucks come in and what day they come in what way do you work it i i'm mostly daytime oh yeah

what are you doing there tonight honey what's going on i'm working and then i'm gonna go home

to my husband thank you oh yeah is he hot yes he is all right what do you have a good night

Does he want to watch?

You have a good night.

Can I watch?

Good fucking beach.

She was flattered.

She was like, oh my god, a young guy culling.

She's going to tell her husband and they're going to have awesome sex.

You're a fucker if you watch.

I just want to watch them.

If they're a pretty couple.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Early one morning, with time to kill.

How old's your son?

He's a teenager, right?

Or just about?

And sat on the hill.

Yeah, 13.

He's wrestling and stuff.

He's been wrestling for a few years, right?

Like two?

He quit doing that.

All he wants to do is sit on the side and make a girl out of time.

He's fucking up to that.

And masturbate.

Probably.

That's what I'd be doing.

All right, here's a place called The Shack.

We'll ask him about the transistors that we need.

Or a radio.

She's stroking my...

Shack HK?

Yeah, I need to make an order.

Sure, what'd you like?

I need to make an order.

What'd you like?

All right, one speaker wire.

This is the Shack.

What are you asking for?

A speaker?

Yeah.

It's a wire that you use for your speakers.

It has a positive and negative side.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is a bar and grill, yeah?

No, but it's the Shack.

Mr. Burns told me to call the Shack to get some parts that we need.

We need some parts.

Smithers.

Wayland is my name.

Who's this?

Okay.

Okay, you're close to Kalanaha, Naoli?

Kalanaha.

Hello, speaking of, can I help you?

Yeah, hi, this is the shack on Keaholu.

Yeah, yeah.

Keahoho, Keahoho, how is it?

Keahole.

Okay, yeah, I need to make an order, one speaker wire.

No, one speaker wire, 125 megaohm transistor,

five 12 gigahertz crystals for the machine.

What team?

The one that we're working on here.

We need to make an order because we're working on the machine tonight, late tonight.

It's kind of private, you know?

It's like a fucking machine, you know?

Like a fucking machine is what it is, but we need some more parts.

This is the shack.

They told me to call the shack and get the different transistors and speaker wire.

Who are they really, right?

That's what I say all the time.

Like, who are they really, right?

I say that all the time.

I know.

Yeah, but like, I don't have...

Hans told me to call.

Hans?

Yeah, I don't know who Hans is.

Hans Molman?

Yeah, I...

Fucking asshole, you know that?

You stupid motherfucker, you.

All right, sorry, buddy.

Fuck you.

Fucker.

Bitch, fucking asshole.

Hans Gruber sent me.

Fucking non-angry getting motherfucker.

I'm sending some Honolulu locksmiths.

Early this morning.

Oh, that's right.

You were sending numbers.

Oh.

Here's some coconut locksmiths.

Music just failed. Ah, shit.

Come on. Unlock my car, motherfucker.

I like a lot of these.

It's like, they do the address, and it's like

apartment number and shit like that.

It's like their home business.

You're running out of your fucking house.

Get a P.O. Box, dude. Don't be stupid

like that. Do you want me to call

the businesses, or Nicole Cruz over here

who said, hey, babe, text me.

Hey. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, call her. I'll tell her.

pay her fucking bills

and her phone won't be shut off.

Yeah, she wouldn't have to get a burner phone for a few months.

Damn it, Winamp Skype.

I mean, Winamp fucking crash.

Motherfucking Winamp motherfucker.

Yes, close program windows. Cancel finding

a reason. Oh, I swear.

Your call could not...

Here in the courthouse,

Old Town was there.

Oh, she's even bigger, bitch.

Fucking Mayweather.

Oh, that sucks,

Mayweather.

what's he got three left now

two

someone's got to beat him man

they were showing the guy that's going to find him next

next year he looks like a pretty boy

he was in a crowd

the crazy middle eastern motherfucker

yeah that guy

that motherfucker ain't going to be Mayweather

I don't know

he'll go down eventually

it's just like everyone said about Silva

and the fucking UFC

that he got his leg shattered like a bitch

Yeah, right before I did.

Was that last year, right?

Silva?

Two years ago.

Yeah, it was his last fight, and Silva's fucking leg melted.

Like, his bone just turned to mush.

Yeah, and then it happened to me like two weeks or three weeks later.

What the fuck is this?

All right, take a look at this, Carlito.

Tell me what you think she's doing in this picture.

Okay, I'm just going to...

Hang on.

I'm going to set it to...

I've got to get the address forward.

Milkman, you hear it, man?

Milkman?

Come back, Milkman.

Alright, here it comes, all the way to the bottom.

I'm waiting.

Alright, let's see.

I pray for God's mercy, for soon I'll be...

Do you eat anything, Milkman?

What's that?

Eat anything?

Did I eat anything? No, not yet.

We'll wait till later.

What is she doing? I don't know.

Dwight, what is that?

She's duck-facing.

It looks like she's taking a shit or something.

Kind of.

She's doing a selfie on the toilet.

She's not, but she's one of those...

It kind of looks like they're those people that don't flush their toilet paper.

They put it in a basket next to the toilet.

You know those people, Milkman?

They do that a lot in Puerto Rico.

I think she's sitting on the toilet.

Oh, I think she is, yeah.

Oh, but, yeah.

Oh, God, my friend Eddie, his family was one of those.

Their mom was like, don't you put toilet paper down the toilet.

It messes up the septic system.

You put it here in this trash can next to the toilet.

It was so disgusting.

I went after you took a shit.

That's kicking, man.

Yeah, that's like a Caribbean scene thing, man.

The plumbing down there is notoriously so bad that even toilet paper will clog it up.

It's like in a lot of countries.

Like in the Middle East.

Oh, God.

At least I get the cover toilet, you know, and the nice flowery smelling bags for it.

but like his like i remember when in after him once to pee and he's like sorry i just took a

dump in there and i looked and like the toilet paper was like fresh shit on it was like right

next to us peeing and i couldn't avoid looking at it because i was afraid it is hot like 90 degrees

or 80 degrees and that shit gets common man i mean the fucking room is vibrating you walk in

there and your eyes are bulging out of your head you start sweating like fuck can i hold my breath

your eyes are fucking burning really they are it's like oh my god yeah that it does remind me

of some like uh very interesting times in the caribbean brother well there's no you know i'm

my armada you know how the people are man some of them people down there got like a different ways

of doing business well it's just cheap it's cheap it's like you know the people you know

i went to a few houses in puerto rico like older people you'd go to visit old family and they had

plastic on the furniture and shit it was so like the plastic was all yellow it was so i mean it's

like are you that cheap are you that cheap that you got to put sit on shitty plastic all the time

and you just slide around people saying yeah i think you slide around on it stops it's not even

fitted yeah slide off yeah then after a while it's dried out and get kind of sharp you know

it starts breaking up yeah oh and then my grandma she had the toilet seat that was like a cushion

and all those fuckers but you would you would like what 15 years ago yeah but you would sit

on them and they go every time because exactly so weird oh shit i don't know why people like

soft little padded toilet it was so gross but you'd sit on it was like each time because there

was never seal to lose and seal after you sat on it like three times like i don't know if you plan

on spending time in there you know like that kind of like a you know take a little airplane

lane ride that's how you get hemorrhoids you can't sit on the toilet it kind of does the sound like

when you're on a roller coaster just get ready to take off yeah you're the air brake cycle let

loose the hydraulics like oh man it's like yeah bracers they had the collared ones too you know

different colors of course oh god yeah but old yeah old people they love that shit yeah and then

there was a trend remember the trend was toilet paper and colors and then everyone was like oh

well, don't use toilet paper with colors in it.

That'll burn your ass.

You'll get ass cancer.

And you couldn't find any toilet paper.

I started getting paranoid about it.

Everybody.

Because they kept showing it on TV.

It was an infomercial, I remember.

It was like, get this book for a thousand things you should know about your house.

And one of them was like, we'll explain why you should never use toilet paper with coloring in it.

For a while, they were doing, like, scented toilet paper, I remember, for a while.

I remember that, too.

Yeah, that was about...

The last I saw, dude, is, like, they started putting this greasy shit on it.

Like, it's, like, supposed to be, like, aloe vera or something like that.

I don't know why in the hell you'd want, like, that on your ass, dude.

I mean, I need something like sandpaper, man.

Scrape that shit down and get it done, you know?

It's good on tissues when you're sick, but not on toilet paper when you're just trying to take a dump.

Who's shitting that much?

Who's shitting that much that they need to have an aloe?

It's like somebody gets a real puffy toilet paper, dude.

It's like, I don't know what it is, but you go to wipe your ass and it just slides.

It's lubricating it.

Lubricant, moisturizing stuff in it.

You're wiping your ass and you're getting ready to be fucked in the ass at the same time.

I see Scott.

You've got to hold on.

I think your arm just hit the wall and you're like, ooh.

Scott, stop putting the paper roll in the middle now.

Yeah, it's just the

toilet paper now, yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of slick.

Yeah, I mean, hey, it's less waste.

It saves you from having to empty your trash

as often and you get piles of that shit in there.

That's true. I make

dupe tubes out of those things.

You can pack them full of

laundry

sheets and exhale

your marijuana into it so you don't smell.

George wipes his ass with baby wipes

still.

I use the wet stuff.

the the adult wet ones i use i do a combination of both i honestly do this is the best way to

wait for another thing i cannot deal with that wet soggy fucking thing what you have to do

listen when you're done then you use a dry toilet paper and you clean yourself up after

but like the whole time i feel like i'm like like just moistening up the crap and like spreading

it around with this like you know like fragrant soapy piece of like it's not soapy it's just

is water i don't get it man i guess i just i'm down with the sandpaper you know who got me on it

you know who got me on it was zolar zolar explained to me zolar was like if you fell down on a street

and your hand landed in a pile of dog shit if i offered you you know some toilet paper would you

use it to clean up like yeah and and then he was like would you then if i offered you one of these

wet wipes would you go would you use it also like fuck yeah like because think about it you

You've got shit on your hand.

If you're using toilet paper, you're getting most of it out,

and then you're just smooshing it all into your hand.

Or you can go with a wet wipe and actually clean it.

And when I thought about that, I was like, yeah,

you're walking around with your ass, and even if you wipe your ass,

you've still got a shitty ass.

Okay, how about this?

You, like, paper that shit out and then, like, smoke it over with that wet thing

and then, like, dry it down again.

No, no, no, no, no.

You use paper first because it has the strength.

the paper has the torque

so you go in

you go in and when you would normally

finish wiping then you take the wet one

and you get it nice and

really wet and clean you know

that's where it was cold too man

no it isn't

then you floss your ass with the wet one

and then you put that in the toilet

and then you take another

dry one and you just dab a little

bit and dry it up and then

I wave my hand a little bit there

to dry it off also or if you have a hair dryer right there you can just turn it on honestly this

is my whole this is what i do ask my wife she'll tell you my wife thinks it's crazy oh my gosh i

got cringe in there man i lost the connection yeah right things cold and soggy bro i use a

hair dryer on my whole body when i when i dry after the shower cross can't afford uh one of

them bidets so he's gonna get that fucking power washer from lowes and go watch out man don't slip

flip or anything, I'd turn in an anal inflator

real quick.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I'd get a colonic

every week. Alright, people are getting

mad because we're not doing pranks. We're talking about ass,

dirty asses.

So we'll look back. Those fucking soggy wipes,

dude, I'm sorry, man. I know they got a

purpose. They work great on babies' asses, but

man, that old soggy

thing, I just, I'm sorry, dude.

Like, maybe if they heated them up, that might

help, but still. Well, you can do that. I've done that

before. I put them in the microwave.

You can microwave them for

like five, six seconds

before you do anything

and then you take it

out of the microwave

and you put it on the,

next to the sink

and then you do your,

by the time you do your business

and you're ready to use them,

they're not going to burn you

but they'll be nice and warm.

Yeah, you can do that too, yeah.

I've even thought about,

I've even thought about looking,

I looked for like,

if there was a warmer for them

but I haven't been able

to find anything like that online.

That was,

I think there are actually.

That's why I was joking around.

They have them for babies.

I remember that for babies.

Babies do.

Like my nephew actually.

actually. I think we had something

like that, if I remember. Yeah, they do.

You might be able to. I mean, if nothing else, dude,

you can do like the Caribbean way.

Just take and throw that fucker in a

can there, and then just pop it back

in the microwave and reheat it again.

Let's fucking get it going, baby.

That's nasty.

We know we could do reusable toilet paper

feasibly. If we're wiping our ass with paper,

we can just throw that wipe back in

there and reheat it again. Hell, it's good for

at least two or three more asses to wash it.

Well, most people, what, take a shit

it once maybe twice a day so you need for a whole week need about 14 reusable toilet paper swabs oh

god these things are horrible those are really reasonable you just wash them every day or every

once a week with your laundry you have you have your whites your colors and then you have your

shit rags that you wash all right this is horrible man i'll stop oh my lord i found another place

called the shack but i i didn't like that joke here's a diner all right diner let's order some

some heat. What do you guys say?

Yeah. I didn't think that old dude was ever

going to hang up, man. God darn, he hung

on there for like, what, 20 minutes?

At the Lowe's?

Yeah, that old bastard.

For the sixth

time. Don't have

a view.

This is Kai speaking. How may I help you? I want to make an

order. Let me just get out

my one. One full?

Excuse me? One full? Excuse me?

One full? Uh, what that is?

Full? Full? The full?

Foo? Yeah.

Understood.

One eggs.

Eggs?

Cooked.

No, I'm not trying to make an order.

Have an all-day breakfast.

No.

I want eggs.

We don't have just eggs.

Eggs?

One meat.

One meat?

Uh-huh.

Would you like the two eggs any style?

The meat?

One meat, yeah.

That one.

Would you like your eggs over well?

With heat?

Heat.

Would you like meat with that too?

Yes.

What kind of meat would you like?

Cooked meat.

Would you like, uh...

Pork?

Portuguese sausage?

No, pork.

We do not have...

We have link sausage.

I think that's pork.

We have...

I think that's also pork.

Yeah.

You have bacon?

We do have bacon.

That's pork.

Wait, do we?

That's also pork.

You don't know if you have bacon?

Bacon on the all-day breakfast.

You're the big city diner casual pick in Honolulu for America Comfort Fair, and you don't have bacon.

We have...

Actually, I'm just settled here.

You're just stupid.

We have...

We do have bacon.

I'm just not reading things right.

You're stupid.

Would you like two eggs and bacon?

What was that?

what's that mean what's that mean i was just uh clearing my throat a little bit why what happened

do you have phlegm was it like in your upper throat you had a little phlegm and you had to

clear it did it go up or down down can i put you on over justice okay we're getting a little busy

okay thanks you take over do i tell him something about to hang up on this bitch

his nice attitude's pissing me off i haven't seen that in a while i would even think they

I don't have bacon.

I have a diner.

Oh, no, we don't have bacon.

Okay.

What about bacon?

No, we don't have pork.

There's a diner.

The closest diner to me here is owned by Muslims, and they sell bacon.

Just saying.

They have to.

Because you can't do that shit.

Imagine the uproar if you're like, oh, yeah, we're a diner.

We don't have any pork here.

Like, fuck you.

See you later.

You keep on that shit, hello?

I'm going to Denny's, motherfucker.

I'm going to the Waffle House, bitch.

Give me all the bacon I want at Waffle House.

Give me all the ham.

You see, fucking, you know, we always try to get Waffle House to serve us pancakes and shit.

They won't do it.

But if you go to IHOP, they have a house of fucking pancakes.

They'll serve you waffles.

Yeah.

They have waffles?

Yeah.

They just started advertising it.

They do waffles there.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you know, Waffle House got out for a game.

I bet you Waffle House would make a pretty good pancake.

Well, you know, they have the high school graduates over there at the IHOP.

They're like, hey, you know what we could do that would probably get us more customers?

Yeah.

Serve some fucking waffles.

I know personally at least two felons that worked at a waffles house because it was like one of the few places that would take them straight out of jail without asking questions.

They're like, oh, yeah, I'm moving up from here, man.

This is my start.

I've run this motherfucker in about two months.

I'm a chef now.

I'm going to be the manager.

Next, I'm going to McDonald's.

Then I'm going to be a manager.

I'm going to be the manager in about the third month.

I'm going to rob this motherfucker.

This motherfucker that was there.

What show is that?

Hello?

hello yeah i'm

trying to make an order your phone just keeps ringing like all hell you can do the two eggs

any style with your choice of meat the hell are you talking about even even me i didn't ask for

no eggs excuse me what are you trying to do you what i'm not allowed to make my own order yeah

sorry could i put you on over just a second i think i'm not completely understanding you and

And I'm just going to have you...

No, all I did was I just called.

I'm trying to make an order, and you're talking about the couple eggs and some shit there.

Yeah, sorry, I'm just making sure that what you want is two eggs with...

Sir, I haven't even made an order yet.

I just called you.

Just answered the phone.

I thought we just had a second.

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's no problem, but please hurry it up.

Because the phone was ringing for quite a while.

He comes back up to stop us.

He's confused.

He's dumb.

He's like, we don't have pork.

Well, we have link sausages.

I think those are pork.

We have ham.

I think that's pork, too.

Fucking stupid.

It's like Homer when someone told him sausage comes from pigs.

He's like, yeah, right.

A magical animal.

Hi, this is Kristen.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was making an order, and there's this effeminate guy there who's messing everything up.

So do you want to do a takeout order?

Yeah, for one, eggs.

Okay, so you want to do eggs?

Yeah.

Okay, hang on.

Let me grab and get into my screen here.

Sex.

right now? So you want to do like, we do

like a two egg. What's... Is that okay?

What's... What's that?

Like, do you want a breakfast dinner?

Is that what you're looking for? One

eggs? Okay, what do you want with it?

Like, do you want like bacon with it?

Uh, meat. One meat. Yeah,

what kind of meat though? Pork? Because we have different

kinds. Pork meat? Um, do you want

like... I can see if they can do

ham for you. What's that mean?

No, just pork, just pork.

We don't have just pork. It would have to

be like ham if you're going to order like a breakfast.

You know what I mean?

It's got to be like ham or bacon.

I could see if they have the sausage if you'd like.

Okay, well, okay, fine.

Ham.

Stupid.

Ham?

Okay.

Stupid.

Okay.

Well, that's what we serve, so I don't have just pork.

You know what I mean?

Don't get uppity with me.

I'm not.

I'm letting you know what we have and what we don't have.

I was talking to a man earlier.

Is he not there anymore?

Because now I'm talking to a woman, it seems.

Yes, I'm actually the manager.

Oh, that's nice, honey.

so i can help you better than he can very nice honey that's very nice good for you honey okay

do you want to place an order or do you not want to place an order let me put dwight on because

i'm getting you're really getting on my case and i don't like talking to women on the phone

dwight can you please i'm i'm sorry you don't like to talk to women on the phone let me tell

you something there sweetie uh cross there he's uh friends with the uh mayor of uh coconut land

land there and uh being your best interest to uh listen to what he has to say okay i'm sorry but

i don't take threats very nicely when i'm on the phone just let me know he's friends with the mayor

with a mayor with the mayor of coconut land okay and what does that have to do with anything i'm

trying to help him out oh yeah probably not a lot but he gets upset his low his low blood sugar and

And if he doesn't get some of the patty leeks or the patties of the sausage, he gets upset.

Okay.

Ask him simply what kind of meat he wanted to order.

Yeah, I believe he said pork.

He said pork, but we don't have just pork.

So I tried to specify what kind of meat he would like because we don't have just pork.

Okay, no, that's fine.

Let me ask you a quick question there if I could.

How many fingers?

How many what?

How many fingers?

Sorry, I don't understand the question.

How many fingers can you stick in your asshole?

Okay, I'm done with this phone call.

Bye.

Did you get me on this white devil when I asked you the fingers thing?

I kept popping it out.

I didn't know you were friends with the mayor.

That was good.

Hey, Dobby.

Dobby's here.

Hey, Dobby.

Hey, buddy.

Sitting on the futon next to me.

Let me get Milkman back.

See if I can get him back on.

He dropped out.

found a restaurant right next door named cactus so close gotta do that

shit and i know our joy come on dobby now he wants to get out would fill the earth

until the end of time my love let's see cactus restaurant

I found it.

Good old Google motherfuckers.

All right, I got to get Davi out of here.

You hear him over there being a bitch?

Give me a second.

When I've got stuck again.

Anyway, I was saying I had to chase Davi out of here three times, man.

Fucking pussy.

He's like, I want to leave, but he doesn't want the door closed, but I can't.

It's too loud.

I'm too loud for my wife.

wake her up she closed the door on me i already want i hear an echo so how would you hear an echo

you do yeah i hear myself oh is it gone yet uh yeah it's gone now okay good anyway yeah he uh

i went i got water he came back in behind me had to chase him out kept coming in coming in

little fucker fucking cats right anyway did i call cactus said i got through to them

no no i was sitting there singing to the song but they couldn't hear me i guess

Yeah.

Well, then I, on my way out, I disconnected half the cables.

I was doing a rendition.

I was including people's names in the chat to that song.

Yeah, hi, Cactus?

Yeah.

Yeah, I want to have a, make an order.

To go?

Yeah.

Okay, give me one second.

I'll put you on hold.

All right, asshole.

Excuse me?

Okay, asshole.

Stupid, stupid.

Was that the same asshole we just gave a hard time with the meats?

No, no, no.

This is a place next door called Cactus.

But I just ruined it.

Motherfuckers.

Thank you for calling Cactus.

This is Mackenzie.

How can I help you?

Hey, Big Mac.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

I want to make an order.

One fool.

Okay.

Just give me one second.

One fool.

Sorry?

One fool.

Do you mind holding for just a minute?

Like holding?

Like waiting?

Yeah, just because I don't know how to enter a to-go order.

Are you new?

Yeah.

You sexy little thing on you?

Is that why they hired you?

I don't know.

You heard her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just a sexy little thing, isn't he?

Oh, whatever.

I don't like that place.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sexy little thing, yeah.

Did Milkman ever connect again, or he just dropped?

No, he's gone.

We got some coconut fucking locksmiths.

Oh, yes, you did give me.

Give me, give me.

I gave you some regular ones, I think, out in L.A., and then I went to 808.

Let's start with the Waffle House.

How's that sound?

I'll go from there down.

And, well, they do take a while, usually.

This is another one.

It's good to look at.

I don't know how to work my phone.

Oh, I flipped.

I flipped the eggs.

How about the egg picker?

How come they don't have a machine that flips the eggs?

How come I have to do it?

Their eggs are good.

They're nice and fluffy.

They use a machine to fluff them.

It's finally cool enough for me to open a window, and it doesn't get too hot.

Lost a pickup, man.

I'm telling you.

All right, Windy City, 25 Locksmith.

We're ending up Chicago.

These are the dreams that we will savor

Blessings from above

Hey, how you doing there? I got a problem with my car. I'm locked out.

Okay, what's the address and zip code to where you need service?

I'm over here. I'm out from out of town and I have no freaking idea where I'm at.

I don't know where you are, sir. I don't have any idea where you are, neither.

I'm going to need an address and a zip code to get you some help.

Oh, okay, um, let's see here.

The corner of, uh, looks like Elm and Maple.

Bitch.

Elm what? Elm Avenue Street?

No, it's Street.

Elm Street, and what's the other street?

Maple Street.

What city is this?

This is Chicago.

Bitch.

Okay, this isn't showing up, sir.

I don't know why it's not showing up, but I need some help quick,

because there's some rough-colored people who's, like, walking around here,

And, you know, I'm from Detroit, and I can't be around this type of shit.

This is a scummy neighborhood.

That's irrelevant right now.

Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir.

I need to know where you are.

I need you to find out where you are.

Okay, can you activate the tracers?

I need you to find out where you are, sir.

This information isn't showing up.

Okay, hang on.

I'm going to give this guy my phone.

He looks like the nicest black fellow.

He's got kind of a creepy voice, but he might be able to tell me.

Sir, oh, that's irrelevant, sir.

Hello?

Yes, sir?

Yeah.

How you doing?

Hello?

Yeah, hi, yeah, hi.

Yeah, I can't hear anything you're saying.

Yeah, you hear me?

Hello?

Yes.

Please hold.

Someone will be with you shortly.

The devil is in your pants.

Hey, Neon, the white devil wants to get in my pants.

It sounds even better when you whisper something.

Phone, take over your BTR server.

Someone will be with you shortly.

Can you use that on Gary sometime?

Gary, motherfucker.

The ministry show, the guy's like,

Like, they don't, they gotta connect to somehow on our servers.

They don't come, and then he's like, that's the devil.

They hacked into our servers.

I'm fine.

She thought the devil came through the computers.

Through the gates of hell.

Please hold.

Someone will be with you shortly.

Wow, let me scroll back.

He put me on extended hold to get beat up by the colored fellas.

I think he's just playing the permahold game, so we'll hit him up.

You gotta hit him up.

Nello, I may help you.

Yeah, so what's the deal?

You put me on hold there, Chief.

I gave the phone to the guy, and the guy said you hung up.

Sir, sir, I couldn't hear anything that the man was saying.

Therefore, I put him on hold.

Oh, yeah, he's got kind of a weird voice.

He's the only dude, though.

He's the only guy around here that I trust.

That's the perfect solution, stupid asshole.

Just put me on hold.

Yeah, why don't you get in your truck and come find me, please?

He's playing that game.

Hello, I can't hear you.

Bye.

See?

Dickhead.

Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm driving through a tunnel.

Gotta go.

Double up voice and I'm going to sing for everyone.

Now?

No.

Neon, you want to kiss the tip of my dick?

It'll be a memory.

Fuck yeah.

You want to go in a tunnel with me?

You want to ride her Mercedes?

Ride your Mercedes.

All right, enough.

know. Neon says she has a tunnel, but

she does. Which is a nice

expensive toll on that

tunnel. It's a cool

probably a coach bag or something.

You gotta give me a coach bag, nigga, before you get in there.

That's what she says.

You gotta pay for my hair, dude.

The one down there, right?

Not the one up top.

Okay. Alright. Are we done

with that guy? Because you say he didn't understand you.

Yeah, he's just being an asshole.

Here's Mr. Locks. I like that name. Mr. Locks.

I hope it's a black guy

He's got that shit on lock

He's got it on lock, bitch

Oh, yo, boy, Mr. Locks

That's a good rapper name, Mr. Locks

That was funny last night

During the main weather fight

When they went to Rick Ross

I was like, who the fuck is that?

Some big fella

I'm sitting there looking at the person

I'm like, that fucking shit, Mike

Like, oh, he seems like he's probably wealthy.

Yeah, he's a big, big guy.

Oh, they were British.

I guess I'm doing the wrong accident.

What?

Oh, I'm having phone trouble.

Oh, shit.

Sometimes it gets a little sticky on me.

Yeah, I'm going to yell at Comcast after we get done.

I had fucking two outages in three days.

They owe me some fucking credit.

That sucks.

Yeah.

You got like 25 bucks from them.

Well, your internet is 2499 divided by 30 times two days.

We're going to give you a $2 credit for, like, bullshit.

Bullshit.

Give me some.

I always do that.

Like, I'll be out, like, a half hour, and I'll get on their channel.

Like, I want $10 right now.

And they're like, no, I can't do that, Mugga.

You're going to do it.

Around 95, 96, Playboy and Spice on cable, at least where I live.

I've got to restart the phone server here.

They started doing this thing where instead of just renting for one movie,

you would rent for 24 hours for one fee like eight bucks maybe so a few times not all the

time i didn't abuse it but like maybe once every two months i would get the whole 24 hour block

and i will record it one after like the whole block just about i maybe miss like a few hours

here and there but i filled it like would take up like probably like at least 10 vhs tapes i think

but i'll just record the whole motherfucker and then i will call like a week later i will call

call the next day i'm like yeah um i don't know like for some reason it looks like i might have

accidentally gotten the wrong pay-per-view or didn't come through or something i would act

stupid and then always take it off for me that was so my parents never found out and they never

had to pay for it my parents would kill me if i paid i used to i pulled that every now and again

where i'll rent a movie uh i'm pay-per-view and i'll call them up like uh my my tv was out i

I didn't get to watch it.

No, they'll take it off.

Because I got sick.

I'm like, I don't know.

I lost my signal.

Yeah, it's not working.

For like three hours.

It's not on.

That porn sucked, man.

That porn that I had to rely on before internet, man.

It just sucked.

I didn't get internet.

I didn't get online until like 97.

I got my first computer at home.

and then

like around January

I think I got online in 97

January 97 and then

finally like

when I went to college

I used to stay at the computer lab

a lot

I was there all the time for like

two years through college

I remember the days of dial up

where like you had to pay a shit ton

of money for like 20 hours

a month

and it's like

Jesus Christ

we would sit there and have to actually

time how long we were on and fucking write it down

on a notepad

this is how cool it was back then, I remember that

UCF where I went, computer lab was

open 24 hours and the

speed, like everybody

the fastest you got was dial up speed

right, no one had

there was no cable internet yet

but on the campus they had like T3 lines

and you know, hardened

and you know t1 lines because it's a fucking university they do research and shit so they

had like super fast internet you could you know people would download porn all the time i remember

there was this one guy named ariam he's he's on my facebook now he's heard the show a few times

he didn't really get into it but i used to he was one of the guys just to hang out with this guy

would spend about sometimes up to eight hours a night during the night like over the graveyard

yard shift just downloading tons and tons of porn tons and tons of porn just pick images there were

no video there was no video back then unless you had like a vhs tape maybe you had a a dvd at that

point probably probably not dvds weren't prevalent like for another two years but yeah he just had

so much fucking porn just say he's asking like dude what are you gonna do with all that shit

like i don't know yeah but you could he could i mean back then you could get away with that you

We were just downloading porn in the computer lab.

We were playing StarCraft all the time, like gaming and shit, eating there in the computer lab.

It's all shit you can't do anymore.

You can print all you want.

I used to print like 100-page reports and stuff like that.

I would print all my notes.

Now you've got to pay for each page.

You see that, George?

You've got some competition.

That guy here is fucking just trolling some porn.

Yeah?

I bet he does.

He's always rubbing that cap.

What would anyone want to save porn?

First of all, images don't do it for me.

That's so September 10th.

Looking at pictures, porn pictures.

It's September 10th.

That's why I keep saying that.

It's so September 10th.

It's just, I need to see video.

There's got to be some insertion going on.

Like, actually, it's got to be coming in and out.

The days of having a cyber boyfriend, cyber girlfriend.

You're fucking cheating on me.

You're fucking done.

It's over.

It's a bitch I've never met you.

You think I'd give a fuck if we had some emotional connection?

Fuck you.

All right, hey, Pringles, Pringles, people get done.

All right, Mr. Locks is a fail, so we got amazing...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I had to restart the phone, so I talked bullshit all that time.

Sometimes this takes a few minutes to fix.

Yeah, some of the Hawaiian names are funny.

Yeah?

And we start getting to sales, lock and save, jack, Dalton, lock and key, pop-a-log, quick-log, islands, islands, locksmith.

Oh, man.

I'm going to have to restart this computer.

Because I've got problems with went up and now the call service is not responding.

Yeah, anons, locksmith.

To be Captain Locksmith.

There we go.

All right, cut it back.

She-Man.

Oh, how are you going to lie, Johnny?

Come on.

Like someone would lie.

Bingo.

Got it.

This is Mr. Locks.

Mr. Locks.

How are you doing there?

You guys going to roll out and get me into my car here?

Okay, sir.

Can you slow down and repeat that one more time?

You were barking up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

All right, I need to get into my car.

You need to get inside your car or get to your car?

No, inside of my car.

Okay, where are you located?

Actually, I think I'm just down the street from you.

I'm down at about 35 Riverside.

Okay, what is your address?

Well, no, that's where my car is at.

Okay, what is the address?

35 South Riverside.

Okay, and what is your cell phone contact number?

My contact number, I'm out of town, so it's going to be a little different.

It's 808-517-3124.

808-517-3124?

You got it.

And are you using somebody else's phone right now, or?

Yeah, well, my phone's in the car.

Okay, we need to get a contact number just because when the technician comes out.

708-478-4430, just in case.

Yeah.

And what kind of vehicle do you have, sir?

That's a Toyota Celica.

2001?

Yeah, 2001.

I look forward to your information to one of our technicians,

and you should get a call in the next five or ten minutes.

Yeah, when you tell him to come out, tell him he doesn't have to use a Slim Jim.

He can just break my fucking window.

It's fine.

Well, why would you call us out if you can do that yourself?

Well, to tell you the truth, it's not really my car.

It's this guy.

He's fucking my old lady.

And, like, so I just want to take his car.

like once you break the window i'm getting there i'm a hot wire that

motherfucker but i don't want to get a break in an

entering charge or you know destruction of property so i need you to like

come out break this fucking window so i can get in there

sorry one of the neighborhood kids just brought me a beer

so what are you guys gonna get over here oh we we can't we

cannot do that so we cannot okay okay i'll tell you what don't don't break the

window can you bring like a uh like a cordless drill and like we can

fucking just drill the lock?

Come on, man.

Come on.

Listen, I'm telling you,

if you come out,

I'll suck your dick.

Nah, there's ain't no prank call, man.

I need someone to come out here

with like a drill.

Go to Lowe's.

I know they got drills.

And like, you know,

talk to that motherfucking Larry

in Tool World

and he'll loan you a drill

and we'll just drill the fucking lock.

Hey, no, come on.

I'll suck your dick.

Come on, man.

I'll give you next to 20.

I'll pass.

We will definitely pass.

Have a good day, sir.

Do you have any felons you can send to do it?

I know they didn't know how to do it.

You said what now?

Send some felons.

I know you got some felons working for you, motherfuckers.

It's not like this is a reputable company.

That's why I called you, bitch.

What do you think is so funny, motherfucker?

I do apologize, sir.

We do not do illegal activity.

You guys are down at like 10 South Riverside, right?

Yeah, we do apologize if somebody's moaning.

That's fine.

Come on, I'm just down the street.

I'm going to walk down the street and I'm going to take a shit right under the front of your door.

All right, brother, buddy.

Have a good day.

I'll take a shit and I'm going to piss.

Bye.

Love you.

Bye.

Love you.

You want a kiss?

Are you there still?

Neon wants to touch his butthole.

Okay.

Okay, I'm dishing it.

All right, next.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

How are you, buddy?

I need to get some help.

I need to get in my car machine.

My car machine?

What's a car machine?

It's the thing people drive?

Get into your car.

Machine, my car machine, yeah.

Has someone called it a car machine before?

Well, it's America.

What kind of vehicle do you have?

It's America, it's a free country.

It's an 88 Ford Escort.

Ford Escort.

It's at 10 South Riverside Plaza.

There you go.

You're a fucking asshole, motherfucker.

Okay.

He might pick up again.

Yeah.

I wonder if he would notice his own address.

Okay, it's Sunday night. He just wants to sleep.

Tell him North Riverside.

Tell him, no, it was North Riverside.

Oh.

Lay with me.

No.

Has anyone called a car machine before?

Is that your fucking problem?

No, it's not.

Chill out, dude.

You're an asshole.

And then keep coming back around again.

Nothing's changed except the names.

Their love burns just like mine.

It's up to me.

That is not a nice box service.

Before my time.

And then the day.

I'm going to start putting the shows that are scheduled regularly.

Well, it's just right now.

It's just three, right?

Use Loft and Jaya.

I'm going to start putting in Mixler with the scheduling amount

so that they'll actually come up as upcoming, you know, stuff like that.

Might get us some more hits on Mixler.

Sweet.

It'll look nice, at least on the show page.

Anyway, where was I?

More Locksmith.

Here's MidCity.

What the old-time masters had is what I feel for you.

love is love and doesn't change in a century or two if some way they had seen and knew how it

would be for me and you that wish for love like yours and they wish love like mine for my time

service how may i help you yeah you're doing i got a i got a problem over here i need somebody

to come give me a hand what can we do for you yeah well i you guys do like regular locks like

Like house locks?

I'm sorry, you need us to change the house locks or you're locked out?

No, I'm not.

Actually, the problem is I'm locked in.

I went into the bathroom here to have some alone time because the kids are driving me fucking crazy.

And I locked the door and now the goddamn thing won't unlock.

I can't get out of the fucking bathroom.

Okay, just a moment.

Okay, so sir, you need us to unlock the house or just the bathroom?

Just the bathroom.

I mean, as long as the kids aren't running around like a bunch of fucking retards, you should be able to get in the house.

I just need to get out of the bathroom here.

What's the zip code?

I don't know.

I'm here on vacation.

I have no idea.

I'm from the mainland.

That's 3012.

How do you spell the street name?

W-A-I-A-L-A-E.

That's it.

A-L-A-E.

Sir, in what city?

Honolulu.

Sir, unfortunately, I don't have anyone in Honolulu.

You'll need to try a different company.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean?

I'm locked in the fucking shit here.

It fucking stinks.

Sir, sir.

Sir, sir, I'd love to send someone out.

Unfortunately, I don't have...

I'll get her back.

Sir, sir, sir.

I'm getting a lot of that tonight.

Sir, sir, sir.

Press 1 to connect to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...you for calling.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Locks me service.

Please hold.

Wow.

Thank you for holding.

How may I help you?

Yes, hello?

You were just talking to my associate, Dwight.

Something happened?

What can I do for you?

Well, what happened?

He hung up the phone.

He slammed his cell phone in the air.

He threw it up in the air and it came down crashing and broke.

And then he walked off.

Okay, sir, what's the phone number this is about?

I really don't know what this is about.

I don't know.

He just said that these mother effers he said about these people here.

He said F-U-C-K about you people.

Okay, sir, what can I do for you?

What do you need done?

Dwight, what happened?

The bitches won't get me out of this bathroom.

He says he's stuck in the bathroom.

He needs to get unlocked out of the bathroom.

Okay, sir.

Unfortunately, like I told him, I don't have anyone in Hawaii.

We no longer have a technician that works there.

So he needs to call a different company for this.

I cannot, I do not service Hawaii.

You are lying, bitch.

I looked at the pages and it says you serve fucking all of Honolulu, you fucking whore.

Oops.

Milkman's back.

Yeah.

Where'd you go, man?

I tried calling.

I don't know.

Did you have a problem?

Oh, you're driving again?

I thought you were home for the night.

Yeah.

Oh, Danny.

Oh, good.

I don't know.

I'd take it.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

You go back home, make yourself a nice sandwich, cheese sandwich?

Yeah, a grapefruit sandwich.

Remember the grapefruit?

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

N.A., baby doll.

Woo!

Ellen, you what?

Fucking right.

You gotta come visit me, man.

Can you do me a favor?

You gotta come visit me.

Nope, man.

Can you do me a favor, milkman?

It depends.

With you, I don't know.

You better let me decide first.

Tell me what it is.

Can you go by the Turkish kitchen and tell them there are a bunch of motherfuckers for me?

Yeah, right.

I don't know that I'll go inside to do it.

I mean, I don't have a bulletproof vest or any fucking thing.

That fuck doesn't have a gun.

That motherfucker probably want to kill somebody.

Every time I've heard him on there, he's been very happy.

Yeah, no.

He's one of the most pleased customers.

He won't kill you.

He just wants to rape you.

Longstanding good customer.

Hoss.

What's fucking wrong with that?

He doesn't really want to kill me as much as rape me.

But when you do come and visit

We are going to do some kind of mission

Involving this kitchen

I'm going wearing a scarf

And if they find out

I'll be laid after the butt

I'm going wearing a scarf

And if they ask you're going to say

Oh no my buddy can't make the order

He's got laryngitis

I'm going to tell you what I want

For this limited ship

Yeah motherfucker

I don't know if you've noticed

But the music has crashed again

So we'll play pissing instead

And I'm going back to the least

Where we have solves, lock and save

Solves with an ALZ

Salves

Maybe it's salves

I'm going to make a new version of this tomorrow

And make my own

But last lady, is that what you say?

Yes sir

Hi, this is Joe

Hey, what do you know, Joe?

Not too much

What can I do for you?

I'm having some trouble

trouble stuck in the bathroom. They locked me in here. You're locked in a bathroom? Yeah,

they locked me in. They said I'm not allowed to get out until I produce something. Okay,

what area or town are you in? Do you know where the Cactus restaurant is? It's called

The Cactus? Yeah. No, don't know. What part of town is that? See, I'm not really from

from here. Uh, I'm in Honolulu. Honolulu. It's, uh, Kialawa, what is it? Kihau, Kana, you know,

Keanu. Okay. And you're just wanting to get a price on opening the door for you, or? Yeah,

because they said that I'm not allowed to leave until I have a bowel movement. Okay. And they

They locked me in here.

They had to have a lock on the outside, you know?

And they put me in the police bathroom.

And it's bad because there's a lot of doo-doo feces here and everything.

Yeah, yeah, I don't have anybody available this evening.

What do you mean?

Why were you asking?

Where, motherfucker?

Yeah, well, what's that again?

Why did you ask me where it was and all that motherfucker for you just to say I don't have anybody?

You're somebody.

You're the person that does the calls,

and you just made a decision that you don't want to deal with it,

and you're telling me, oh, I don't have anybody.

I know what you're trying to do, motherfucker.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What am I trying to do?

Exactly what I said.

You're going to say, I don't have anybody in that area, motherfucker.

That's bullshit.

You're the only person that works.

You're the one that's going to come out,

and you're just deciding, oh, I don't want to deal with this idiot on the phone,

and this holly, so you just told me, oh, yeah, I don't have anybody.

You don't have anybody in my ass.

You don't want to do it, lazy motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, you should take some lithium and get over it.

Fuck you.

You want me to become dumbed down like a stupid idiot who drinks the regular tap water here

with a fluoride?

Is that what you want?

Stupid.

You're a fluoride zombie.

You should have better things to do.

You're a fluoride zombie, motherfucker.

Whatever.

Floor-eyed zombie.

Toilet time on the Carlito Show.

Toilet time.

Dude, that's awesome, man.

Water closet call, man.

Yeah.

I didn't even get to do the peeing.

It's my favorite part of those calls.

What a devil motherfucker.

Yeah, there's always a way down.

Dean.

Okay.

Next up, Jack, Dalton, Locke, and Keith.

They're in a haunted room.

Locke.

Locke, man, is, yeah.

Beep it.

Beep, beep, beep, bop, boop.

Pick your phone off the gate.

How you doing there? I need you to come give me a hand with my car.

Say that again?

Yeah, I'm locked out of my car. I need someone to come give me a hand.

Where are you located?

Actually, just down the road there. I'm at 850 Spencer Street.

350 Spencer Street?

No, no, 850.

5-0 Spencer?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, hold on a second. What are you locked out of?

My car.

What car?

Yeah, it's a Toyota Celica.

What year?

2001.

one 2001 for your cell phone yep okay 850 Spencer Street hold on there hey let me let me let you in

on a little something I'm not I'm not really locked out of the car I just need someone to

come down here and like take a ride with me real quick because I need to go and like pick up some

stuff you're not locked under the car you need a ride no no I want someone to ride in my car with

me I gotta go get some stuff from this guy his name's Lysol you want somebody to ride with you

Yeah, I'll pay you and everything.

Just take a ride with me.

I got to go pick up some stuff from Lysol.

Call a cab.

Call a cab, man.

Call a cab.

What?

Call a cab.

No, no, no.

I want you to ride in my car.

I don't want to ride in someone else's car.

Ride in my car.

I'll cut you in.

I'm going to go get some ice.

No, man.

We don't do that.

Sorry.

Tom, come on.

I'll just walk.

No.

I messed it up.

It was supposed to be White Devil, but I did the wrong one.

Shit.

Damn it, man.

All right.

Yes, next.

Pop-a-lock.

I didn't think the last guy was going to be so objectionable.

He's running out of the fucking apartment 702.

Before we move to the 10th floor, motherfucker.

Speaking, can you please hold?

No.

Okay, I still need you to hold.

Why?

Because I'm busy at the moment, so can I please show you how to re-hold?

Yeah, but I can't wait.

You know, it's bad.

I need you to hold.

All right, give me one second.

The door.

Pop a lock.

I love doing that shit.

Why would you ask?

You never shoot a part.

She's like, well, I still got to do it.

You can't risk waiting to rekey the lock, but you're relaxed this weekend.

You call Pop-a-Lot.

It took you six months to find the perfect house, and now you're finally moving in.

But there's no telling who else has a key.

So you call a name.

I just looked over my shoulder at this FIFA 2015 game,

and they showed some guy running over to the corner where you do the corner kicks,

and there's a flag there and he like fucking

JDF kicked in. He thought he was a badass.

Is that what they're doing?

They're trying to make soccer cool now?

Yeah. Power Rangers.

What's JDF doing?

I don't know.

I haven't called him in a couple weeks.

I've heard about that guy lately.

It took me six months to get someone

to talk to me.

They stole the name from a fucking kid in play too.

Sorry about the hold.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I didn't have time to hold, you know?

Okay, but you're calling a dispatch center

and we're taking care of more than one person.

If you don't want service, you can hang up.

No, I need service, please.

I'm stuck.

All right, then.

So are we going to act like adults?

What city are you in?

I'm not a child.

I'm in Honolulu.

Okay, what city are you in?

Honolulu, motherfucker.

Nailed that one.

Let's see.

Well, she'll at least pick up that you put us on hold.

in your ass. I knew that wasn't

going to fucking fly along with her attitude,

motherfucker. She's like, fine.

Put you on hold.

Problem, bitch. Papa Lock, it's

Crispy. Can I help you? Yeah, you can do it, man.

I need some service here.

What city are you on? I'm in Honolulu.

What kind of service do you need? I'm locked out of

my car. Okay, what city are you making a model?

It's a 2001 Toyota Celica.

A 2001 Toyota Celica?

Toyota Celica. What color is the

vehicle? It's a silver car. What color

is the vehicle? Silver? What?

Yeah, what the fuck's the fifth degree there?

You're being a little bit of a cocksucker there, pal.

Here on the mainland, we don't deal with that bullshit.

Hello?

You know, when somebody acts like that,

they act like a motherfucker,

they get punched in the nuts.

Who are you talking to?

Talking to you, you cocksucker.

I'm in New York, dog.

Who are you talking to, dog?

I'm talking to you, motherfucker.

Really? Who are you?

Fuck you, motherfucker.

You don't know me.

Come see me, nigga.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Fuck you, boy.

You think you is somebody?

Come to New York.

You is somebody.

It's shot.

You is somebody.

Oh, he's so hard.

Motherfucker.

Who you fucking with, nigga?

You nigga.

Bitch-ass, homer-ass nigga.

Thank you for calling Pop-A-Lock.

Mike speaking.

How may I help you?

How you doing there, Mike?

Is that little bitch Chris still running around there?

Um, sure.

Hold on.

Hey, put that motherfucker on the phone.

Hello?

What the fuck is your problem here, you cocksucker?

You think you're hard on the phone?

See your nigga in the face.

Hey, don't be...

Wow.

Hey Mike walk right over there to Chris

And slap him across the fucking face

And tell him Dwight says hello

Your people are black you don't care

Yeah none of us is black in here that's the crazy thing

Yeah you're a negro you're colored

You have a little color in you right

I guess if that's what you want to say

You're not going to upset me man

Why is he saying

Why is he saying the n word if he's not black

What is he then

Well that's how he felt

What's Chris what is he is he a Puerto Rican

It doesn't matter.

Do you have any...

Because I like masturbating.

I like masturbating in front of Puerto Rican men.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, I harass Puerto Rican men on the street.

I see them and I pull down and I pull it out.

Like, look at this, look at this.

And usually they're like...

Let me ask this guy a question.

Does Chris usually run around with his dick tucked between his legs?

On his tiptoes?

Yeah, I imagine Chris, he's running around there with his dick tucked and shit,

wearing fucking high-heeled shoes and shit like a little

bitch. He seems like he's trying to play hard.

He seems like a nice guy, but he's like,

oh, what's up? You know what I mean? Is he kind of nerdy?

Kind of corny? But he acts

a little hard. He can talk it, but he's

kind of corny though, right?

You're a buddy, bro. He is. He's a little

corny, right? He's a little...

Yeah, I know.

You see him. You see him. We know. You're tired

of Chris's bullshit, too. He probably fucking tries

to bust you around and shit. Yeah. He probably

hangs up on customers all the time, then you gotta pick

it up and fuck his shit afterwards.

Yeah, I know.

I know how it is.

I used to work at places like that.

It sucks.

Yeah.

Tell Chris there's a lady on the line that wants to speak to him.

Yeah, tell him it's a sexy girl for him.

All right, man, hold on.

Hold on, I thought he was going to play along.

I'm a motherfucker.

Oh, shit.

That guy's cool.

He's probably going to lose my fucking job.

Like, all right, all right, I don't know.

It's like, yeah, he probably does walk around with his dick tucked between his legs.

He would have been the coolest fucking guy in the world if he had told Chris that he had a lady on the line for him.

Oh, hang on.

Like, Neon says she wants to talk.

She says she'll talk to him.

Yeah, put him on.

Put her on.

Where is she?

Tell her to call.

Hey, I'm like...

She'll bait him in.

Bait him.

Oh, shit.

Green's going to have to call you back.

His mama's having chest pains.

i think that's the call of the uh the show i'm editing actually i still haven't heard that so

i'm excited oh yeah i've got it edited i just gotta add some pictures uh hey big neil on you

there hello next two days i plan to have that released hey what's up are you there here

oh yeah no man yeah play music milkman because my shit's fried my win app is crashing yeah we're

We're going to have to have you milk Chris.

Neon, are you with us?

You're micing up still?

What's going on, dog?

Yes, uh, all right.

Nice and touchy.

Hey, save that number, Dwight, so I don't forget which one it was.

It's the 5623.

Pop a lock, right?

Yeah, pop a lock.

Remember that for me, because I'll forget.

All right, quick lock.

Well, Milkman, you got to turn it off when someone picks up.

Turn it off?

When someone picks up, you got to turn it off.

Fuck my answer.

There's no way it's on there.

Yeah, hi. How you doing?

Good. Yeah, we need some service.

Okay, what kind of service?

For the key.

The key goes in the car.

It goes in the door.

And then you turn it.

And then you should be able to pull the thing out.

Pull it up.

The key goes in and it doesn't turn.

Well, you know how you put the key in and turn it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it works like that. That's how it works.

Okay, so what is the problem there?

Dwight will tell you.

i don't know i was i just had an idea yeah i got a fucking problem over here buddy

you still there like the first problem is like i've been drinking and now i'm locked out of this

car so i can't call a cop to come unlock this fucking thing you there yeah yeah well i need

somebody to come over here and like i oh fuck i gotta take a piss i'm gonna piss on this tire

real quick um but so like when he gets somebody out here the car won't stop no someone made the

gold machines go like i press i press the pedal and it keeps going oh fuck this good

but like i finally got the car to stop and i got out and then like i went down the street and i

came back and it's locked and now there's there's two people some guy named bill him some fucking

I need you to come unlock my car

so I can get him the fuck out of here.

I was trying to set it up for the old

Bill fucking audio.

Oh, shit. I didn't get that far.

Damn.

I need someone to go unlock it.

Neon, you mic'd up now? You ready?

Yeah, yeah. I'm here.

Ooh, tits.

What was the name? Chris, right?

Pop-a-lock. Yeah, Chris at Pop-a-lock.

Pop-a-lock. Ooh, yeah.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

I'm doing great.

You too.

Yeah.

All right, thanks.

Thank you for calling Pop-A-Lock.

Mike speaking.

How may I help you?

Hi, Mike.

This is Leah.

What's up?

Is Chris in?

He's not available right now.

He's not available?

Oh, he told me to call him.

See what was going on.

Is he on break?

Yeah, he just stepped out.

Oh, what are you up to?

Nothing.

Is it busy over there?

Not really.

No?

Do you guys have a lot of jobs going on today?

Yeah.

Oh.

Can you pop it and lock it?

Yeah?

You sound like you can.

Yeah.

Fact.

When's Chris going to come back?

I don't know.

Maybe in like 15, 20 minutes.

Yeah?

You seen anybody?

Nah.

Nah?

Nah.

Is Chris, really, is Chris out there taking a piss?

What's he doing?

He told me to call.

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Yeah, he stepped out for a break, though.

Yeah.

Well, he's something more interesting.

I think Chris is a limp dick motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?

He's always talking a hard game.

Yeah.

Yeah, we met the other day, but he was just like, I don't know.

He's kind of not digging it, or I don't know.

He's just talking too much shit.

Hey, do you have Snapchat?

No.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah, I could download it.

Yeah, you should download it.

I like to get people's Snapchats.

You sound like a freak.

You like, oh yeah?

Are you?

What kind?

All types of shit.

Yeah?

Streets or freaks?

What do you like to do?

Everything.

Do you have safe words?

Huh?

Do you have safe words?

Yeah, I can't really.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I can't really be too crazy over the phone.

Oh, okay. Do you like Cactus?

Yeah, I watch that show.

It's not a show. It's a position.

Oh.

Yeah, well, if you got Snapchat, I'd probably show you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I could download it on my phone, though.

Yeah, you should. Hey, you know what? Maybe you can be freakier than Chris, because, you know, he liked to hook the car battery and put it up to his nipples.

You into that kind of shit?

I know. He's a wannabe, though. I don't know. You sound freakier. I kind of like that.

Yeah.

Hey, I got a question for you.

Do you want to join ISIS?

What's that?

It's good.

I can't really reveal too much, but there's a lot of coverings and surprises.

Sure.

Yeah?

You like that?

Sure.

Alright, maybe you can talk to one of my friends here.

They can help us get it set up.

What do you think, you son of a bitch?

We get the car battery, jump the cables,

we hook it up to your balls.

That sounds good.

Come on, show me a man.

You might lose your fucking mind with me.

We'll get Leah to fucking piss on the cables and shit.

We'll get an electrical thing going.

She has a big ass and big titties.

I'm big where it counts, you know what I'm saying?

Big round ass, like, yeah.

More bastard than you.

else like look at your dick suck from the back she does that that's it that's a good look every

which way buddy i'm gonna call you out you still there i'm trying to watch

yeah so what do you think what do you say are you there or what you with it yeah i'm here

yeah because i like men who use their hands small hands too makes it better yeah you like

Do you like that cushion for the pushing?

Of course I do.

Yeah?

I'll blow on your balls like dice, son.

Nice.

Yeah.

So what time are we going to be down there, huh?

You got a back room or what?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You DTF or what?

Of course I am.

Yeah?

Hmm.

Are you the kind of guy that likes to take a girl out first or are you just straight DTF?

Really?

Hmm.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think Chris is a little bit more alpha now.

I don't know.

Are you DTF at the PLA?

Give me one second, all right?

All right.

you can hear chris in the background talking shit oh my god

nope george not down to rape down to rape dtr dtr that was hilarious yeah you're hilarious girl

lady you are a very funny girl girl i like your voice you pulled it off well oh no

have you ever heard of my uh gary bradsky calls to the blog talk radio shit no i haven't you know

i've been so far out of the loop for a while dude i'm sure they're pretty good well i started doing

this motherfucker thinks he's like king ding-a-ling he has that brooklyn accent and he

could teach any man to be an alpha male and get any woman that he wants and all this shit so like

i've been i've been fucking with him for about three months like every wednesday for like three

months and

I get everyone in the chat room to

fucking call the show and fuck with him

so I baited him a couple weeks back

had Neon talk to him he said oh it's a real

caller talking this that and the other

and then she still fucking

laid into him and he's like oh

motherfucker

she kept him going along for

a few minutes about some topic

pretty little was but then we all jumped

in and just started going

I lay into him all the time I repeat his

his fucking Brooklyn accent back to him

with the Dwight voice, and it pisses him the fuck

off. And every time he

answers, he goes, you're in a Gary Brodsky

show, and I'm like, how you doing there, you son

of a bitch? And he, I fucking

knew it! And he fucking started flipping

out.

Baz, you here, Baz?

Baz?

I was at the mute machine

going. Yeah.

Milkman, Baz got his own medical

card, and he's getting stuff.

Yes, I did.

All right, my friend.

For you, man.

Good health for you.

Mainly a lot of edible stuff, you know.

Edible is very, very good, man.

Very healthy, man.

Go to vaping, dude.

If you're going to do anything, man, at least get to vaping, man.

Cut out the combustion.

Yeah, that too.

That too.

Yeah, definitely the most healthy way because you don't get any carcinogens, you know.

You're only getting the healthy aspects of it.

You just get the drugs.

Yeah.

Yep.

Well, drug or whatever.

I mean, it's not really too much of a drug in my opinion.

I don't feel drugged, but I do feel medicated.

It helps my asthma a lot.

Okay, all right.

I cannot sleep, which is quite often.

It really helps the most.

I believe you.

All right, Island Locksmith.

Yeah.

This business has requested to not have your call connect

because your phone number is outside of its service area.

Fuck them, man.

Uh-oh.

I ain't dealing with that.

Yeah, tonight, man, I got some of this clear.

it's like a honey oil but it's co2 derived grapefruit oh my gosh it smells like it looks

like it wow does it go down what do you use what do you use to vape to use a pen or oh i got

different ways i've got a pen that's one of the easiest ways i've got a voltage controlled number

so that way you know i don't it doesn't burn tasting and uh it heats it up enough to where

where you can still taste the natural flavor.

And I've got a vaporizer.

And I can dab it if I want to do it.

Nice.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, herbal air is really nice because you can put anything in there,

flour, hash, anything, dude, it works.

You can even put, like, some concentrate in the side of it.

It'll do the trick.

So you just have to dial the voltage for what it is, I guess,

to adjust it for what?

Well, yeah, the voltage, okay, is parallel to the temperature.

Okay.

So as you raise the voltage, then it increases the heat because that makes more current be

used drawn across the resistance, okay?

So basically all it is in these little pins is a little coil, a little resistance coil,

so many ohms, and that resistance draws the current to make it hot.

So by the different amount of wire, the different like ohm rating you got, that's a different

amount of heat that comes out of it.

so with a variable voltage and you can kind of work around with what you got whatever home you

got you can like you know you can like swap the temperature and stuff okay so that's the best way

i can explain it makes it taste better in my opinion some people want to like burn it you

know make it all big and puffy cloud or whatever shit i ain't in all that hookah shit i just i

want to just be able to like take it take a breath you know and i feel better my lungs clear up get

Get your medicine.

Nice.

Hey, baby.

I'm talking about, man.

Get healthy, man.

That's what it is.

All right.

Yeah, that's what I got.

I got my recommendation for asthma, too.

I don't get ripped.

See, that's the whole thing.

I don't really get ripped off.

I have to really sit down and, like, you know, try to get my party on.

You know, probably I get higher by burning.

When I vape it, most of the time, I don't get the same.

It doesn't seem the same.

I don't get that, like, high ceiling feeling, you know?

Maybe just mental, because some people say they don't really get high until they cough.

I used to be able to see that.

That definitely is.

What that is is that saturation.

That's when you start achieving saturation, right?

You're starting to get enough in there that it goes to your blood and being picked up by these neuroreceptors.

It picks up that molecule and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then that turns on a circuit and says, oh, okay, now I see it.

I guess I am.

All right.

Well, there you go.

Yeah, that's marijuana.

But I think burning, though, really, I do.

I think if you light a joint or a bowl, it will get you high.

Where, like, if I take the same amount and vape it, it's not the same as, like, your stoned eye.

I just can't explain it.

Well, the edibles are definitely a different high, though.

You feel more manic.

Yeah.

Edibles, like, when you burn it, it's real harsh, you know?

It's, like, real hard on your lungs and shit, you know?

It's like, ah!

But if you vape it, dude, it smells just like it smells is what it tastes like.

Like, if you open up a really good sack and you're like, oh, man, flowers or, ooh, skunk or whatever, that's exactly what you taste.

When you don't taste that burning shit going down your throat, like, you know, if you're hitting the joint, you're burning paper.

Exactly.

And that shit always carcinogenic when it reaches combustion temperature.

That's why I never like joints, but bunts I could do because they were like cigars.

Yeah, essence of the herb.

that's the whole principle of it

in my opinion I think the burning does

change the way it hits you

a little bit you want to get high then burn

a joint you know if you're medicating then

you know you may not get the high

effect all right

but the dad I thought he should have

joined us he called me

earlier today he was pissed off

the dad's going to get his own strange one

the dad has been

he's been in conference with the

madhouse he's wanting to get his own strange started

Well, I had one the other, a couple weeks ago, called Deadhead OG.

He could make D-Dead.

Oh, he was going D-D-O-G.

He was going D-D-O-G.

D-D-O-G, yeah.

Yeah, man, we got to claim it before we get to it.

Dude, the dead would be a good, cool, that's a great stream name.

D-D-Stream.

Dude, if you smoke this, dude, you'd be just like the dead.

You'll talk like the dead.

That's awesome.

I love it.

I'm a big fan of the dead since day one.

The dead kush.

He's a funny guy, man, really.

The dead kush.

Hey, come on.

Prank calls.

Shut up.

Both of you.

Shut up.

All right.

This is a towing company in Hawaii.

Anybody want it?

Baz, do a call.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

All right.

Towing company?

Yep, in Hawaii.

And if they ask you what street you say kawaii, they always say something.

Yeah.

Good evening, Hawaii towing company.

Yeah, yeah.

I need a tow because I ran into a bit of trouble out on the road.

Where are you located?

I don't know.

I've got a rental car, and I just need this to be on the down low.

If you come out and help me, I'll pay you cash and just be cash under the table.

No questions asked.

Is that cool?

Yeah, because I have this rental car, and I wasn't supposed to take it off-road.

But I don't know.

I drove way the hell out of town.

Oh, well, first of all, where are you located?

I have no idea because I drank about a fifth of Jack Daniels when I was out there with my buddy.

And we woke up and we're out in the jungle somewhere.

But I know you're near me because I got my GPS and I just fired it up and it said you were about five, six miles away.

Okay, I wouldn't know where to even begin where you are.

Well, you get the map out, and you put a pin in your location,

and then you draw a circle around that with a six-mile radius.

I'm somewhere within that circle, so it's narrowed down a bit.

It's not rocket science there.

Come on, what do you say there, Flapjack?

What's wrong? Are you having a problem there?

What the fuck?

Hang on, I'll try and answer.

I think he was cracking up.

But I will call Pop-a-Lock.

Pop-a-Lock, it's Chris speaking. I can help you.

Hi, Chris. This is Lindsay McClanahan calling from McClanahan Security Concepts.

How are you doing this evening?

Good.

Good. I was just speaking to one of your co-workers earlier.

This is regarding a survey for your service, for your telephone service that was just offered.

I see a trend of loss prevention and lots of charges.

Do you have anything you want to tell me?

This is a survey.

You're going to have to call back in the morning.

Why is that?

Because you're calling the wrong people.

Oh, I don't think I am.

Hey, Chris, why don't you go fuck yourself, you piece of shit, you motherfucker.

Your coworker really wanted it, huh?

He wanted to be DTF.

Hee hee.

Are you DTF?

Oh, hi, freaks.

Ha ha.

Hee hee.

ATM.

ATM, DTF, those MILFs.

VNC Towing and Motorcycle Repair.

That's how you mix motorcycle repair.

Someone tell me you were riding your motorcycle and you hit a fucking kangaroo.

In Hawaii.

I'll fucking tell them.

Is this in Australia?

No, I'm going to tell them.

Hang on, I got an idea.

No, it's in Hawaii.

That's the funny thing.

You hit a kangaroo in Hawaii.

That's pretty good, yeah.

Billy from D&C Towing and D&C Custom Cycle.

Leave your name and your number and I'll call you.

Asshole.

Do we have any more towing?

Does it really want to do this idea?

These are all keys.

Shit.

I'll get you some tolling.

Yeah, give me some tolling.

There might be, tolling might be open in Australia.

Can you do Australia?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, I can do anywhere.

They can be funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

I've got to get some music.

This is ridiculous.

Get some good music.

Like what?

It's got to be something on YouTube because my music player is borked right now.

See?

Johnny Cash till the end.

Yeah, but it's got to sound like a really long track.

Man in Black.

Johnny Cash, Man in Black, Milkman.

man how long do you want it um carlito it's like a full album would be great you know what i mean

like something like this i could just play and pause it play and pause it or a playlist of just

music all right oh here i got a best of johnny cash playlist that's 58 minutes i think i might

be able to do this video well well here we go all audio audio tracks are muted yay never mind

Thank you, YouTube.

Got Frank Sinatra.

This Frank Sinatra works.

Do you have any towing places in Maui?

I know a couple of places in there.

I know like some of the area.

Maui?

You hear that, Dwight?

I see Waipaihu.

I'm on.

That's good.

I like it.

I'm going with tow choice.

A life that's full.

They're all in Honolulu.

I traveled each and every.

We recorded.

I did it.

My.

Gotta play Mac tonight.

Mentioned.

I did.

Next.

Currency.

I'm in charge of course.

School service, am I helping?

Yes, hello.

I need an emergency tow.

Where are you located?

um i am inside the park actually inside the park uh right in the kangaroo uh exhibit oh yeah yeah

i i crashed the gated the zoo i drove into it i was doing donuts and i crashed into the kangaroo

exhibit okay yeah so you're in wikiki yeah so we need to we need to get the car over where the uh

lions are and get it over the kangaroo uh like the container i don't know what you say

the holding pen for the kangaroos okay and the kangaroos are jumping all over the place they

got loose and they're jumping and i killed one of them got squashed hey you're pretty funny man

oh god they're jumping again they're jumping again uh yeah that was kind of stupid usually

people get mad he's just i did it my fucking fuck i'm pissed i don't want to hear this shit

what happened i was i was out well i was on with their chat and like uh like two days ago i had

an outage for about an hour and then yesterday i had an outage for about three hours or so

so i got on their chat and i was like i want a fucking credit i go that's the second outage in

three days i was like i want ten dollars credited to my account they didn't fight me or nothing

like i've applied to ten dollar credit you're all set you did all that for ten i copied and

pasted the or i copied and kept the chat log just in case you're trying to say no no we don't do

that so you worked for ten dollars an hour to do that awesome ten dollars an hour yeah yeah

if you blocked off an hour of time let's say like a lawyer would you give an hour of effort to earn

ten dollars i didn't do an hour an effort i just it took me about ten minutes so ten minutes so

you're made a dollar a minute a dollar a minute dollar a minute for ten minutes so we so between

Between the credit system, I won't have a fucking bill next month.

Actually, I'll have a $5 credit after next month's bill.

Wow.

Because I don't play their bullshit.

Wow, man.

Normally, they would only give me, let's see, a calcumalator.

Ken, I swear to God, you're the cat that said that you go to Walmart and you use the wrong coupons and make them give you money off.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I think we're on speaker.

It was loud.

Hey, I got you.

So normally, if they followed their regular band,

they would only credit me $1.66.

Yeah.

And by shit-talking them, I got an extra $8.34 out of them.

You're going to be blocked after a while, Dwight.

Yeah, they know.

Yeah, you are.

I worked in customer service.

We put notes in those accounts, man.

At some point there's going to be a very

There's going to be a persistent note

There's going to be a persistent note that's going to say

This guy's a bitcher

Yeah, it's going to say no credits unless managed

Pain in the ass customer

Oh yeah, they've threatened you

This is the last time we're going to give you a credit without a technician coming out

I've gotten

So many credits since then

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice

And you've got a dish

Well this was Comcast

This was for my internet

because I was in a call

with Neon and a bunch of people

what was it last night

and just all of a sudden

my fucking internet cut off

and I was like what the fuck

you missed one of Vaz's great stories

which one was that

I don't know

I don't know you were talking about your vape life

I think

I was like

when I

fucking Gia was trying to make

Baz count. They're like one, two

and Baz is like four. No, that was fucking

lag. Three.

I was just saying.

Well, on my end, I was saying it

right after

whoever before me was.

Like one, two,

one, two.

That's so much bullshit right there.

I'll tell you that.

I'm done with you.

Baz, can't you get

the real deal? The real Rick Simpson

Yeah, yeah, we get that up here.

Because that's, like, in your neighborhood, I thought.

Yeah, yeah, the first dispensary I went to, they carry a bunch of Rick Simpson product.

Yeah, he's the guy that's curing cancer, man, yeah.

Yeah, I got to check that out.

So I got a pen that I think I could put a cartridge in.

Anti-prolificative property.

And there's a lot of properties that people don't realize that it's actually there.

Yep.

hello hey how are you honey how are you hello yeah how are you i'm fine okay i'm not doing good

okay okay how much is the gas over there the regular it's 423 a gallon okay all right 7-eleven

has cheaper what's going on 7-eleven yeah right next door has cheaper which 7-eleven are you

you talking about the one that has gasoline okay oh you're calling oh hey listen um oh i don't know

where i'm going with this someone please uh figure it out yeah ma'am there's a problem there's a

problem man yeah yeah are you ready to hear the problem what's the problem yeah it was in your

restroom we don't have a restroom here sir oh yeah you do we do now no we don't so we took a

shit and a piss out of that.

How about that?

I think she was crying fast.

Wow, she actually clunked

the phone. She actually did the clunk.

Clang. The old school

clang.

Nice.

Terrible man.

I guess the 7-Eleven next door does not have gas.

It's one of those 7-Elevens.

Oh. Yeah.

Whatever. I'll call them and complain about that.

Let's do a customer survey.

Good old shopping spree.

Shout out to Brad.

Hi, this is Roy.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

We need to do...

Hi, we were trying to do our monthly customer survey.

Do you have any customers there?

We could do a quick survey.

They'll be eligible for two free sandwiches

and a free Big Gulp or Slurpee of their size and choosing.

Sure, let me look.

It doesn't look like I have anyone.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, fuck that.

that all right can you go ahead and check the price yeah obviously piss piss nowhere else to

go with that said what's that song carlita this is you know it's it's actually fun when you when

you come to the end of the line in a prank and there's just nowhere else to go this is the this

is one of it's a social club the song oh yeah it's cool isn't that a movie or something or

yeah it was a documentary nice and they released they had the when they got the band together they

had to make an album i think there were two other albums from from individual members of the band

in that yeah that's a good documentary yeah i need to see that when they bring those guys to

the united states and they're saying all that shit they're like wow they're talking about nixon

saying he was one of the good presidents all right one of the good ones yeah it's like yeah that was

That's why he was one of their good ones right there.

Looking at bobbleheads, I think, of the presidents.

I don't know.

I was reading some CNN news story today or the other day,

and they talked about basically the sentence said in a statement,

Barack Obama, comma, the unpopular American president, comma, said.

So they're already starting to label him as the unpopular president.

Wow.

i think that was from like a australian news source or uk or something like that yeah yeah

they do that yeah uh one of the which is the one the one british one that does news but they

have really outrageous headlines they oh their headline mirror or something like that yeah

there's let me see if i can find that again their sunday headline show daily mail the sun this is

the sun yeah it says that uh jihad john the guy that's doing the killings the british guy

or british arab the center oh yeah yeah yeah they know who he is it says really big show us your

face coward on the on the magazine cover they're just like come on bitch come at me bro bring it

yeah bring it motherfucker what the same type of shit that we do to people what the fuck you mad

ad bro yeah fuck you bitch it really is it's like it'd be great if it's like come front of me

come front of us i'll give you a like to the picture holy crap i could i could be i could

imagine like they're like all right we're gonna go ahead and put cross in for one call to this

motherfucker carly is like what's the matter bitch do you want to show us your face what do

you got a cock in your mouth all

we got Valley Service

and the failures.

I just don't understand these

captives that are getting beheaded.

If you know these motherfuckers are going to do that,

I would rather be shot than

have my fucking head cut off while I'm still

fucking breathing.

Yeah, seriously, why can't you have a choice?

Why don't they start struggling?

I don't know you got a choice

I would like try to take somebody out

I'd make them shoot me dead

yeah they're getting ready to cut my damn head off

the only thing

I'm kicking a motherfucker in the nuts

at least getting shot

a lot of them they drug beforehand

so that they can't feel a lot of it

the only thing that I take from it

I think they might have them all together

all of them all the captives

and they say if you fuck around on the video

you know or if you mess it up

or if you try to run or whatever

will um will kill everybody you know that's what they'll probably say you know what i mean

something like that like that's the only thing i guess i could use against them i don't know

like because i get because they they say the statement so calm and they just they're calm

the entire time i don't understand how they're doing yeah none of these guys are military they're

all um press so a lot of like the uh military you know like they'll be trained to you know not

crack as easy i guess i'd be going crazy i'd be trying to bite that motherfucker's nuts and dick

and all that shit some of these guys have been captives for over a year now yeah it sucks but

um you think they're joking yeah they um i saw one of them like when they first started beheading

it was like after daniel pearl i saw that um i can't remember his name but anyway it was like

one of the first videos that came out and um i think i told i was i talked about before just

Like, I don't think I could look at, like, spaghetti and pumpkins the same way.

Yeah, it was on LiveLeak for a day or two.

It was on Ogrish.com, like, back in, like, 2000-ish, 2004, something like that.

Oh, okay, so you're talking about the first of the three guys that was just...

Oh, no, this was back when they first started doing it.

His name was Nick Berg.

And they actually, they edited the video quite a bit.

And, but they said...

He's the one, he was screaming in his, I remember.

they added the screaming in but yeah unless i mean i guess but um yeah something about that

the reason why um i guess he bled out quite a bit was that um he uh they they drugged him

beforehand and it yeah so it was just kind of creepy it was either that or i was on meatspin.com

it could have been there also that's a good source for those videos if you guys want to

to see the jihad videos meet spin.com that says a great job yeah yeah i wonder if larry at lowe's

still trying to get to that site lemon lemon party.org i told you for the seventh time i don't

have a viewer oh my god that guy's fucking crazy this phone does not have a viewer i only have an

earpiece those are the voices that scare me i swear to god i've had to talk to people with my

my work and you know we call in certain offices and stuff and there's a guy that that just you

can just hear that in their voice he's like i'm trying to tell you i'm like holy shit like

well that was funny because like more than fucking carlito did he started to escalate

that was like but every time i told you every time i was leaning back and muting my mic and

laughing just trying to hold it it was so funny every time i said that i was like this picture

here. I'm just like, oh my

God. I like the, I'm sorry.

I wish you would have

answered, so I could have asked her about the

Crescent, the metric Crescent Wrench.

Oh God. He would have been

so pissed. Talk about

that. That's what I cursed. The Crescent Wrench is a

Crescent Wrench. That was when I cursed, right?

I said, I'm sorry. Don't say

curse. Did he say curse in the vulgar

language? Maybe that's what it is. Obscene.

Obscene. Profanity.

I kind of talked.

I was just talking to myself. You don't

That's how I get it to work.

The way you were describing it, I'm like, he's talking about a fucking drill press.

We're sorry.

I let him...

That's so long, I couldn't believe it.

Well, that's what I would guess.

You were like, you pull the lever and the drill comes down and it makes the hole.

I'm like, that's a fucking drill press.

I'm like, I'm still looking at the brand name, it's Drill.

It's like, Drill.

I said, Drill Baby Drill.

It's Drill.

He's mistaken.

Orange would be a Chicago brand.

See, he's a dumb motherfucker.

Maybe they don't care.

Was that Lowe's or Home Depot?

That was Lowe's.

I only go in there to smell the wood.

For reals.

I love the smell.

I love that smell.

I love the smell.

That's a funny way.

The wood and the paint, too.

I warned him about the crazy motherfucking living back here in the wood department.

The wood department.

Hey, Brad, don't be jealous, okay?

I'm at a ball.

I'm at a box.

Just because we're not talking about your drill press.

Aubrey has a drill press?

He doesn't work with his hands.

He said...

Hello?

Yeah, is this towing service?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in the zoo, inside the zoo.

I drove my car into the zoo.

I'm drunk, and I drove it into the zoo, and it's stuck on a curb inside the zoo.

Which zoo? The Honolulu Zoo?

Yeah.

Okay, and what's wrong with the car?

I drove it... I crashed it through the gate of the zoo, and I drove really far into the zoo,

and I went up a curb and it

got stuck like it's spinning and stuck

and spinning and it hit a tree.

The horn is just going

like that

and all the animals are agitated and the kangaroos

got lost. Yes, Mr.

Yes, sir. Yeah, the axle's busted.

Oh, the axle's busted.

What kind of car?

What kind of car is it?

It's a fucking Toyota Celica.

It's a big car. Yeah, it's a Celica.

What kind of car?

It's a Celica.

It's an Audi.

Yeah, sorry, Audi.

We're intoxicated.

Shit, motherfucker.

Oh, Audi.

Yeah, Toyota Audi.

It's a Toyota and an Audi.

It's two.

Yeah, we drove two cars in one.

The Audi is inside the lion cage.

No, not really.

The cage with the lion.

I crashed it into there, and there's a lion.

It's laying down inside the car, like, sleeping, and the other lion got out.

The boy lion, he's, like, really pissed off.

He's like, right now.

Okay, so what do you want me to do?

Well, I need you to come get the cars out of here, stupid.

Yeah, we got cash.

You sucker dick.

We have a girl.

But you broke the gate or something?

The lion's going, the lion's going, bleh, bleh, bleh.

Yeah, we broke the gate to the zoo, and I drove into the lion exhibit,

and Mr. Snozzel drove up on a curb.

He's in a Toyota Celica.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

The lion is laying down inside the car, so you have to get him out, the lion.

Do you have any of those big pieces of meat with the bone?

No, right now, tonight, I only have available is the flatbed.

Yeah, maybe you could put some, I saw this on Scooby-Doo once.

You put some, a whole bunch of sleeping pills inside of a steak.

Can you get some sleeping pills and meat?

You bring, you bring.

Yeah, it's Mike Tyson's tiger, so you need to take gentle care of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, because right now, I don't have, I don't have, you need a re-care, so I don't have any re-care right now.

Fucking asshole.

We have reekers, don't worry about it.

My available is only platbed, so I think I guess you need to call the cops first.

It's not reeker, it's wrecker.

No, no cop.

Wrecker, not reeker.

Yeah, but I think you need to call the police.

I'm reeking right now because I just smoked some pot.

We're not going to call the police.

We can't call the police because we'll get arrested.

We smoked the marijuana.

We're drinking beer and smoking drugs, and we were having sex inside the zoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, before they...

Oh, dude, you're masturbating.

You're masturbating with monkeys.

Hey, Bez.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I can't help you because I don't have any...

Hey, man, before you hang up, can I tell you something?

Hey.

What is that?

Hey, listen.

Are you still in the car?

The tiger is still in the car, and I just went and put my penis up against the window,

and it started licking the window.

I think he likes it.

You know what?

Just call the car, and I don't have a rickety right now.

Yeah, you speak Tagalog?

Yeah.

You got any good bitches over there with Peck Peck?

I don't have any re-care right now, so I don't really have the flatbed.

Do you have Peck Peck?

Yeah.

Peck Peck?

So I can help you about this one.

I don't know, just call the guy and I'll have the cops.

Peck Peck, Peck Peck, motherfucker Peck Peck.

Come on, sir, don't you want to help us?

Don't you want to help us?

We're totally recreating Tarzan, and I'm going to be Jane.

Yeah, listen, motherfucker.

You don't come get these cars, I'm going to rape this lion.

He looks asshole.

I got three guys here, and I need one more.

This tiger's about to get an ass full of Dwight meat.

Finally.

Brad sent some numbers to me.

We'll get to those.

Dude, talk to the dude itself.

You better call PD first.

You called the police.

Yeah, I mean, after hearing his voice for like 10 minutes,

God, this dude sounds Filipino.

Yeah, you hit it on the nose.

On the big Filipino nose.

7-Eleven, Provo, Utah.

I spend a lot of time talking to Filipinos.

Isn't it Tagalog?

Tagalog.

It's Tagalog? Okay.

And then you click your tongue.

I'll ask my Filipino friend that.

Something like that.

You flash your breasts.

Hello.

Hi, is that...

Hello? Is it 7-Eleven?

I'm sorry. I fucked this up.

Oops.

You freshed your breath. Hi.

I just fucked it up.

Okay. I'm just going to do the next one.

Oh, man.

She picked up a tighty.

Watch your breath.

What are you doing? Is this Tits McGee?

Tits McGee's on vacation.

I just watched

the second one of that fucking movie.

Was that good? It was alright.

I didn't hear it was that good. I didn't see it.

Just like any fucking sequel, they had bits and pieces, bits from the first one.

Like the big news fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, hi.

We're calling from the corporate office.

Yeah, we need to do the monthly customer survey over the phone.

If you have any customers that can complete the survey with us, it's very brief.

Two minutes, we'll be able to get them two sandwiches and two Big Gulps or Slurpees or coffees of their size and choice.

How come?

Because there's nobody here.

Are you doing a bad job?

No.

Are you sure?

No.

There's a law.

Do you have a coffee?

Pardon?

Do you have a coffee?

Coffee.

A coffee.

Coffee?

Yeah.

Do you have a coffee?

Yes.

Okay.

Do you have a sandwich?

Yes.

All right.

Do you have a hot dog?

Yes.

Do you have a water?

Okay, good.

Can you get all those and come back to the phone?

Hurry the fuck up.

Thank you very much.

This is odd.

Yes, hello? You get all this stuff?

Yes.

Okay. You got the coffee there, right?

Yes.

All right. Do you have a bucket or a container you can mix that all in, and we need to check the color?

That.

We need to check the color after mixing all those items together.

You know what?

What?

What makes you think I'm going to put a sandwich and coffee and a hot dog and water together?

I'm calling from the corporate office, sir.

There's a problem with the coffee.

Some tainted coffee has been sent out.

And these items all mixed together will create, if they have the toxins in them,

it'll actually be a really strong lime green.

And we'll know to pull all your coffee immediately.

If it just looks like it's mixed together, then you're fine.

Sir, this is Dr. David Snozwell.

I'm calling from corporate laboratory control.

I'm on the line here with Mr. Cross.

And this is a diagnostic test, sir.

I'm not going to do.

Well, sir, you're required to do it.

I'm going to write you up.

Then if you have a number for a manager or franchise owner, you can call them,

and they can call me and tell me that I need to do it.

Yeah, I hope you have a number for the unemployment office then.

Thank you.

Motherfucker.

Stupid shit.

You stupid.

Okay.

At least he got all this stuff, right?

That was the way to go with the fuck.

Hurry the fuck up.

He was like, hurry the fuck up.

Pardon me.

Oh, I mean, I like...

Thank you very much.

Then he still got this stuff.

I heard him go to the cooler and open it and get the water.

What a dumbass.

I heard him get the cup for the coffee.

Oh, my God.

What's he going to do with all that shit now?

When did he get it?

If it's going to do something.

He's going to put it all back.

I just told him to get this stuff.

He's like, okay.

you know jazz town is talking about that movie compliance when i watched that fucking movie for

some reason i heard rbcp's voice in my fucking head while it was going on i was like dude that's

fucking rb making that call here's another number for seven eleven i'm no i'm no good at those

science calls man i'll speak to you yeah because you and baz have done them plenty

Ice Loafs was done.

Yeah, Ice Goose was done.

We're checking the pH levels.

pH levels.

Ice Goose and I had that one that went on for like 20 minutes.

The guy that said he thought it was cooking in a cauldron or something.

Then Ice Goose had him throw the whole bucket.

In the dumpster.

And mopped in the dumpster.

You could hear him struggling with it.

We're going to send you out another one in the morning.

Remember, we called back the next day, Carlito, on your show.

you called it back and we talked to the

manager and he goes yeah we got the mug

bucket back

the manager got pissed and didn't get it out

there was so much shit

that bucket like he had a bunch of

four logos and gatorades

tampons

fucking nacho cheese

a bunch of other shit

Snickers there were Snickers in there

I think Skittles too

at one point he said he thought

there were like fumes coming out of it

Fucking Ice Goose was telling him to stand back

when he was throwing the stick and the shit in the house.

Yeah, because we were told that it might explode.

You don't want to get splashed.

And then the guy left.

He said that he'd go pick up his kid,

and it was because he sounded so gay the whole time.

Oh, yeah, he left.

His co-worker came in, like, near the end of that call.

Well, you know, don't you remember?

Because he told everyone they had to leave the store,

and, like, people started throwing shit.

They were throwing chocolate milk and shit at him, and he's like, hey, if you're going to do that, you're not allowed in this fucking store anymore, and he went and locked the doors.

He's like, hang on a second, I've got to open the door.

My co-worker is wondering what's going on, and he comes in, and he's like, what the fuck's going on?

There was a guy throwing stuff, right?

Like, he got pissed off and started throwing stuff.

He threw a thing of chocolate milk at him.

I told the dude, I said, well, you're just going to have to close the store down.

And he goes, okay.

And so he starts telling people they have to leave.

And these guys getting pissed.

Is that on YouTube somewhere?

Is someone on YouTube now?

Yeah, somewhere.

Because Arby did a video.

I'll find it for you.

I thought they had it. It was a long call.

I want to hear that shit.

Oh my god.

I like it when you get them to flip the breakers off right in the middle of the ship.

Hey, the lights went out.

The pump quit working.

Well, yesterday the kid turned the gas pumps off.

Just the gas pumps.

And I told him, go inside and see what happens.

Like, oh, yeah, the people are all pissed off.

Like, oh, yeah, we got a problem.

Hang on.

Yeah, the one that says P1.

That's the one.

Pull that one.

Wait, it says pump switch reset or something.

Did I?

I think I told them, right?

Oh, yeah, it's just a prank call.

I do this.

I could be an asshole.

Okay.

Anyway, trying the 7-Eleven again.

That came up busy.

Didn't that call in because she flipped the switches and the phone shut off?

It always happens, yeah.

I think that's how it ended.

It's like the Charlie Patton call

where he threw the phone into the bathtub.

It's like, all right.

All right, here it goes.

That guy was something else.

You ever heard about that guy again, Milkman?

I mean, is he really dead now?

Has to be by now.

Oh, fuck, what's his name?

I believe he's dead.

We actually believe he's dead.

Yeah, he was pretty old and sick.

Yeah, I believe he actually, at some point in time,

actually really became sick.

That's what I've been told

Because he like disappeared

Yeah he made fun of

Debbie Mansfield

Father McWhorter's got him

At least another 4 or 5 years

Out of him

He did him a good service there

Debbie Mansfield changed her number

He made the holy water

On the air

It was several years before he disappeared

You called it back

And he said yeah my phone is

Fried but I do feel better

or called him back later on he said he had some other cancer he was a hypochondriac but he ended

up getting so he got married he was really a hypochondriac but i think at some point he may

have actually gotten sick is the way i understood it oh yeah everybody did he marry he got married

remember one time we called we talked his wife maybe or just talk to him about his wife him and

then the nurse i think and then the wife mary the nurse married him with the wife and then

And remember, they moved to an apartment downstairs.

She wouldn't stay with him.

Oh, shit.

Maybe he had a lot of money, and she poisoned him.

Right, and he kept paying for the other apartment.

Wow.

Yeah.

Debbie Mansfield, she just changed her last number that we had for her.

She got really mad.

Oh, poor Debbie.

I was listening to some of those old calls, and there was one you did where you were telling her you wanted to eat her sweet potato pie.

She was really pissed off.

That was a funny one.

Kiss my pussy.

Kiss my pussy, I think, was like the last one that got on her.

Remember?

Because all you white people like to talk about licking assholes or something.

She kept saying that.

I don't know where that came from.

She brought that out.

And then we just started using it.

She called me a pecker.

I hate all you peckerwood motherfuckers.

She called me a peckerwood, which is something I hadn't heard since like the 80s.

Oh, wow.

That's why I forgot that.

Yeah, that's classy.

That's a country word.

All right.

Let's focus.

What do we got?

Dwight, you sent in a few numbers here.

i think i haven't gotten to there's a dinaj jane who got a what if anyone needs a new cell phone

let me know one day cleaning scheme whatever deal you get will be blah blah blah whatever

he's selling cell phones he gave his number out that one you guys still there that i was you

oh you're still here i'm still here for something that's still here it's the worst

I've got this squeaky desk chair

And if I don't mute

It squeaks and then people in the chat room

Accused me of ripping a fart

Do it right now

It's actually not squeaking now

Come on, bounce on that thing, Bass

You gotta get some WD-40, Bass

Only one ass in that chair at a time

Oh man

I'm looking here

Angie's Market now

It's gonna be closed

It's a snack shop

See if they're open

Phone number 5

fuck it. Here's a 7-Eleven, a different

one in Honolulu. The beach, maybe

it's still popular. Ask it, ask

if they sell Spam there. They got two.

They got like 10 varieties. I've only ever

had Spam and low-sodium Spam.

I haven't had like the bacon one.

I had the bacon one once. It was good.

Very good. Are the Filipinos into it too?

Yeah, they eat a lot of Spam.

They make it with rice, I think.

Yep, Hawaiian style.

Rice and egg. Man, usually not pineapple.

Yeah, my wife buys it at

Costco. Yeah.

by the case.

Big basketball hunk of spam.

It's an individual case.

Well, it's because after the end of

World War II, the U.S. sent a whole

shitload of that over to Hawaii,

Philippines, Guam, all that.

Yeah, that's true.

They had to do something. They had to survive, man.

They had to eat it.

And they liked it, so now they buy it.

It's all over Korea now, too.

Koreans are big fans.

Yeah, you know, we got some friends that are Korean

and they made us some kimchi stew

stew and they had spam in it it was pretty good actually i guess if you dress it up and you really

cook it but yeah i knew put it with kimchi you're just tasting the peppers that's just hot oh

kimchi's so good though i love it i had kimchi fried rice done right for the first time about

a month ago it was amazing hello how many hours did it take for it to come out make spaces seven

Take a shit in the toilet.

Kimchi's good for you.

It's cabbage, fermented, you know.

Yeah, it's got a lot of good properties.

A lot of garlic in it, vitamin B.

It's really good for your skin.

I've thought about making it, but I'm scared to ferment stuff.

I'm scared it's going to come out and make a bacteria that's going to kill me.

You like botulism or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, you could get the cabagitis.

Well, I have a friend that's been making his own vinegar for a while.

He just gets cheap bottles of Chardonnay and stuff, and he makes vinegar out of them.

It takes like a year or two to get a good system.

That's just letting wine go bad.

I mean, you could speed it up, heat it up, and let it cool off.

That shit will taste real sour.

He puts it in his coat closet.

It just stays up there.

But he said that every few months you've got to come,

and you've got to take this layer of film off the top that is a really deadly bacteria or something, he says.

Oh, God.

I'm trying to think of what that might be, but I can't remember.

He said you only have to do it once when the original mother forms,

and then you can use that to seed it in other wine,

and it goes a lot faster.

It's just your setup takes a long time, he says.

But after that, you can just start pumping it out really quick.

I think that's the whole thing.

It sounded interesting.

I mean, he's, like, making balsamic stuff and all this, but it's scary.

To know that I could make something that'll kill me like that, no, no.

No.

Like, eating a blowfish, I would never do that, have that kind of sushi.

Yeah, my brother-in-law did when we were in Japan in 08.

Really?

He went to this place and ate it.

He was all right.

Would you take a blowjob from a fish?

Wow.

Yeah, I would do that before eating the blowfish.

Depends on the kind of fish.

And Turbo and I have done a number of pranks on that topic of fish and blowjobs.

It's hard not to think about it.

Look at their faces.

Just ask them.

Oh, my God.

They're asking for us.

We did these pranks to these koi farms in Singapore and asked if we could have a bachelor party there and use the fish.

Baz, you had to give me

you threw some Australian numbers

I threw one

it was smash repair

I'll put them in

I'll drop it down at the bottom

drop it like it's hot

that's what they call body shops in Australia

they call them smash repair

while you do that, I'm going to mess around with

there's one at the bottom

give me a second, I remember this number

we used to call, it's that 411 back door

number. About three years ago, we used to

call this kind of number and fuck around

with that one as well. I kept asking how do you

make a sandwich. I did it for like a whole episode.

Thank you for using Frontier Communications

Solutions. Quality purposes.

Your call may be recorded.

Let's see. It's in

Tempe, Arizona.

I'm listening in Tempe, Arizona.

I need to have a sandwich.

How to make a sandwich.

Is that a store?

It's an information. And it's called

How to Make a Sandwich?

What's wrong with your voice?

What's going on?

You have a vibrator you're using?

I don't have a Tempe, Arizona listing for how to make a sandwich in the business file.

Yeah, but I'm...

Starting H-O-W.

This is a, you know, it's information, so I thought maybe you know how to make a bologna sandwich.

Oh, it depends on which one on it, sir.

Hey, maybe she knows how to fuck a sandwich.

Good night.

Bye.

Hello, T-Test.

How's your bosom?

God.

Best.

She looked like she had

a big bosom.

She looked like she probably had

librarian glasses on.

She sounded like it. She had that quiver in her voice.

I think she was

pleasuring herself when he called.

One of you guys.

Who's this?

Hello.

Hey, how you doing there, Ace?

I'm okay. How are you doing?

I'm doing alright.

Sorry, say again?

What city and state are you searching in?

No, I'm searching in, let's see, Dubuque, Iowa.

One moment.

And I'm looking for the beef curtains.

I'm not sure anything under that title.

I'm sorry, in Dubuque or the surrounding area in our business titles.

Yeah, nothing about the beef.

Maybe it's just the first word, beef.

Expand your search by 50%, please.

What I have is the beef stroh.

Yes, you need the beef curtains.

Would you like the beef stroh?

I have that listed is all.

The beef stroh.

Do they have young ladies there?

I do not know.

Okay, I guess the beef curtain is the premier bordello in Iowa.

Yeah, the only thing I have is the beef drill.

I'm sorry, would you like to try that number?

Yeah, do you have any other bordellos?

Let me get you through to my supervisor one moment.

You're in trouble.

Up and comers.

Uh-oh, somebody else talk.

I'm scared.

Operator, can I help you?

Yeah, why are you on the phone?

Why are you going to insult us?

This is 411 Supervisor.

How may I help you?

Yeah, well, Mr. Snodswell was trying to get some information,

and the guy said, you're in big trouble.

I'm going to put my supervisor on the phone.

Okay, what city and state are you searching?

Mr. Staswell.

I'm scared now.

I'm scared.

It was Dubuque, Iowa.

Are you the one that Austin just called about a sandwich?

Do you want me to connect you with the police?

Oh, no.

No.

Do you need a number looked at?

I am the white devil.

No, not yet.

I'm turning into the white devil.

Do it.

Damn it.

It's a number for McDonald's.

Oh, my God.

Call them back.

I've got to search for them.

You can tell when you're going to start laughing.

Oh, God.

I laughed.

She said, are you going to call them to save it?

There you go.

I like where the white devil gets.

Thank you for using Frontier Communication Solutions.

For quality purposes, your call may be recorded.

Sure.

Jeez.

Thank you for using Frontier.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I need to do a search, please.

For what listing, sir?

Dicklips, Florida.

Okay, sir, I have the number that you're calling from.

No, no, I blocked it.

I blocked it.

I need to search for Dicklips, Florida.

I'm looking for Labia.

Sandwich.

Labia Sandwich.

You have to block your number because it's showing up on my screen.

Oh, I read my number back.

I don't believe you.

Yeah, we blocked the number.

We have a blocking machine.

I have the Trace Buster.

I bought it from Santiago.

He fucking gave it to me.

what did she say radio show

maybe she remembers us from years ago

this is funny

are you the guys with what to say

oh shit we're screwed now

you did it now

shame on you

here's a different payphone

I know your name

you guys okay being on

we're pretty late here

yeah I'm okay

I don't ever sleep so don't worry

I'll change my color

i'm i'm upset over the nfl outcome today me too wow me too drinking what seahawks lose

yeah they lost to san diego 30 to 20 but the 49ers got beat by the bears so that's good

their new stadium right yeah that was actually i was watching that game that was a fucking good

game second half bears came back like they were down 20 to 7 came back and beat them

From 28 to 20, I think.

Hey, I'm a Giants fan.

We got our asses kicked tonight.

Today again.

Aw.

I feel you, man.

Hey, we got to do more calls.

Yeah, hell yeah.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get a drink.

Hurry the fuck up.

Thank you for using Frontier Communications Solutions.

For quality purposes, your call may be recorded.

See you.

Cities and states playing.

Hmm?

What city and state are you searching in?

Miami, Florida.

And what are you searching for in Miami, Florida?

Aculo.

Could you spell that for me, please?

Aculo, aculo, aculo, A-C-U-L-O, aculo.

Thank you for that spelling.

Is that a business?

No, it's an aculo.

I'm not sure anything with aculo in our residence or business files under that spelling.

I'm sorry.

Check the surrounding areas.

I check the surrounding areas.

Expand your search by 50%.

I did it by 100%.

Filter out ionization, please.

Run long-range scanners.

Okay, have a nice day.

i'm cage hyperdrive

what a rude answer so baz you gave a number in australia oh you brought it back for me

thank you an auto body sharp yeah mooney pond smash repairs okay yeah

hey how you doing yeah yeah hey we we uh we're in need of uh some smash repair

pair and you do towing also yes we do yeah um we we need to keep this uh first of all we need to

keep this a little bit on the down low um can we pay you cash for all services rendered um i'll

have to say the job um well sorry have you had a crush have you yeah we had a little mishap um

we're up here on the where are we we're up north we're right off of the c325 and we've been

drinking you know we had like a oh i don't know a case or two of victoria bitter and uh we went

off the road we're not we have a rental car hire car and we're not supposed to take it off road

but we went uh in by these these three lakes and uh we met up with some there were some kangaroos

there and so we we pulled over and we were watching them for a while and uh cross here my

My buddy, he went up, and he tried to have his way with one of the female kangaroos,

and they weren't too happy, and they chased us back to the car,

and we jumped in, and they pounded the shit out of the car, mate.

You know, like the bonnet, it's all caved in.

The windscreen's cracked, and I don't know if we can get out of here, out of this ditch.

Okay, and we're right up north.

Yeah, we're scared because the kangaroos are still outside.

They're, like, circling around the car.

I think you'd be right, mate.

you know they're one of them like the big male he's like really menacing he's a big erection

yeah he's got a big penis a big erection

yeah he keeps there's like a yeah a hole in the window and he keeps trying to stick it into the

the hole uh buzzy yeah it's very unnerving sexual oh yeah yeah you know my my wife here she kind of

likes it though any which way yeah so we got to get these kangaroos out of here do you have a gun

like a shotgun you can bring out sorry mate do you have a bat like a bow and arrow no mate thank

Thank you.

Do you have a

Crocodile Dundee knife?

Gasoline.

I have gasoline.

Okay.

Aren't you guys

supposed to have

a lot of boomerangs?

That boomerang

thing's a myth.

So stupid.

I never use boomerangs.

It's a tourist trap.

Oh, here,

buy this boomerang.

Oh, it's here.

It never has boomerangs.

What are they going to do?

Boom, boom, boom.

I had a boomerang.

I did not.

Piece of shit.

Fuck.

I didn't buy it.

I went to Australia

trillion i did not buy a boomerang here's my history with the boomerang my birthday my grandma's

house my grandma gets me a boomerang that i begged for i read the instructions on the boomerang how

to use it i go on her front lawn i throw it it goes sailing up into the woods and i lose it

oh that was the story of my fucking stupid what a disappointment

minute it's just stupid i just think it's just for a little carlito it's just crushed i thought

i was like i read it all he's a abuelito where is it don't just stop i just so i go

they get rustled and it was just it was stuck like about 15 feet up probably big big sand pine

trees yeah it's so stupid of me let's relearn the light sit down throws it right at the woods

I mean, that's the place to throw it to.

I thought you were going to say you threw it on someone's roof or something.

I'll throw it in the woods.

It'll chop a tree down and come back to me.

When I was about four or five, I have vague recollection.

My mom told me, though, before she died, she said a few times she told the story

how I begged and I begged for a Knight Rider power wheel

because it had kit that talked.

You hit a button and it just said something.

I forget what it was.

So they got it for me for Christmas.

my dad puts it he spent like an hour putting a stupid thing together and he and i sit down on

top of it at the top of the driveway which is on a hill and i just i just went down and drove

right to the phone phone uh pole at the bottom and it like messed it all up and dented it all

up like i just crashed it immediately like i just went oh yeah i just drove down and crashed it

immediately and it would have like it didn't go it was all crinkled up and it wouldn't go

anywhere and i could just sat there and span out yeah my dad got real mad he took it back and they

gave him i don't know i don't know if they ever if they gave him the money back or just store credit

dude yes look on the look on the internet on the youtube for the vermont street races we got them

right over here um in san francisco man this is fucking shit it's hilarious and what you're just

talking about is perfect because they got the all these retards getting on this like

like, curviest street in all of San Francisco,

lining up with these freaking, all wearing, like, baby outfits,

you know, diapers and everything, and wearing these big wheels

with the tiny ones, or any little car or vehicle,

and they go down this thing, busting ass,

running over each other, wrecking, crashing,

and keep on going all day, man.

Look at that Vermont Street race.

It's fucking hilarious, dude.

You'd be perfect for that.

Is that on Lombard Street, or?

No, no, no.

Vermont.

Vermont Street.

Oh, is that a 21-2?

Vermont's curvier, right?

Isn't it?

No, no.

Vermont is the curviest.

Yeah.

But this one here actually is not celebrated as a landmark.

You know, it is physically curvier.

But it is celebrated as a great racetrack.

It's fucking hilarious, man.

You got to see it.

What's it called again?

I went up there, man.

They were busting their asses, man.

I had to go up there to pick up festivals.

What's the name of the Boston Tea Party?

The races.

The Boston Tea Races.

services of a tow truck. Please call

0403-028-044.

Shut up, Dwight.

Currently, our office is unattended.

Please press 1 until you...

Oh, fuck. Oh, press 1.

Oh my god.

It's way too loud. Stop it.

Echoing back. I think it'd be cool if we could

just get a couple of those guys to come out

into the outback and

bring some beer and just party with us.

I'm going back to the lab. It's 3 in the morning.

It's for you.

Yeah.

We'll call 7-Eleven and that's it.

I'm done.

I'm tired.

Hey, Dwight, are you still there?

Checked.

Carlito, maybe one more after that.

We've got an Indian restaurant that should be opening right about now.

That motherfucker.

And the guy loves Dwight and me.

We'll paste it.

I'll do it.

Yeah, I just got to pull it up.

So my log file.

The big log.

Should do gas lamp.

There it is.

Oh, is it there?

Yep.

Oh, that's a Guam number, isn't it?

I know, that's...

Is that Mother India?

Yeah, that's Mother India.

I haven't saved this...

Oh, okay, great.

I haven't saved this crazy fucking Indian food.

Mother India.

Do you want to talk to the dude?

Because he just hangs up on me.

I think I vaguely remember talking to Mother India.

I think so.

I don't know.

Well, this guy, the little background is this guy,

I called him, and he got immediately mad.

And it turns out that somebody's been pranking him

for like six months before, constantly.

so he thinks that we're them

and he thinks that Dwight is my

Indian friend that's putting me up to all of this

yeah I'm sitting there doing

the fucking Dwight accent he's like

and your fucking Indian friend who's putting you up to this

fuck you

I vaguely remember this

I should do Yuri too

yes hi is this mother India

yeah

I have to put someone on the line they're going to be taking care of this

go ahead

my name is Guderian I would like to make an order

for a pickup

up. Nope. He's not

having it. And they're in India?

He's in Australia, but he's Indian.

He doesn't even sound very

Indian. He's very

Australianized. Okay.

Hey, I gotta go. Bye. Thanks

everyone for being here. Penis cake. Hey, thanks for

having me. Bye. Thanks, Carlito.

Alright, see you later. Bye.

I'm Ken Dwight.

My name is Yuri. You will

respond to me in the correct

manner. You will respond to me in the

correct manner. I will eat your pussy.

You'd like nobody else.

Everybody, uh...

Don't say that.

BigBabyPass.org.

Everybody go to

BigBabyPass.org.

BigBaby.org.

It's a better business

bureau.

Do the voice again,

Carlito.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Bye.

I want to hear that

the last thing I go to bed.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bye.

Look, man,

what do you got for me, sir?

Ah, we all done?

Why you no punk, bitch?

Yeah, we're done.

Calls (39, 2 h 45 min of 4 h 22 min)

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