Return of the Help Wanted
16 Sep 2014 · 1 h 26 min · 10,255 words · source
Calls (20, 1 h 10 min of 1 h 26 min)
- Navy Recruiting District conscription prank live 3.5 min clip ↓
- Berksley Beyond job inquiry live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Caregiver job inquiry live 47 s clip ↓
- Senior Care caregiver job inquiry live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Auto detailing job application live 5.2 min clip ↓
- ABC Clean Cars job application live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Appliance installer conference call confusion live 3.3 min clip ↓
- Carpenter job application with IBS concerns live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Carpenter job inquiry about age and tools live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Carpenter job follow-up with pheromone talk live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Carpenter job lead with CNN distraction live 48 s clip ↓
- Carpenter job application with emotional reaction live 4.3 min clip ↓
- Ford dealership body shop technician call live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Body Shop technician job inquiry live 3.5 min clip ↓
- Hollywood employee calls HR about bathroom meltdown live 17.1 min clip ↓
- Man calls about pool and sexual health live 3.5 min clip ↓
- Electrician job inquiry with Bonnie live 5.1 min clip ↓
- Cross calls job ad for customer relations live 2.6 min clip ↓
- IVR for package handler position ivr 56 s clip ↓
- Hair salon employee accused of racist slur live 7.0 min clip ↓
Transcript
everybody the newspaper shut up music have the newspaper from sunday which has
job classified ads with phone numbers hopefully i should have looked at these before and circled
oh all right here's one for information security officer
They also have Head Teller, Assistant Branch Manager, Accountant, and Mortgage Specialist
available.
Okay!
Good afternoon, Navy Recruiting District.
Oh yeah, hey.
How you doing?
Hello.
Hey buddy, how are you?
Alright.
Hey, what's up?
I see you got administrative support.
poor it didn't say anything about the navy why'd you say navy uh because this is the navy but it
doesn't say navy in the ad what are you trying to do here you're trying to conscript me and fool me
into joining the navy just to be an administrative supporter uh no that's very sneaky paid training
in all areas medical dental vacation money for school because it's the military yes how much are
are you people spending out of the budget to put an advertisement on the paper? Fucking
dickheads. Petty officer speaking. I'm an officer, ma'am. Petty officer? Yes. You're
just a petty officer? I am just a petty officer. All right. I'm a lieutenant. Okay, sir. How
can I help you? That's right. You treat me with respect. I want you to salute the phone,
please. All right. Put me down for five spaces. So what are you talking about right now?
I need you to put me down for five spaces, Petty Officer.
Oh, yeah? Five spaces of what?
Why are you talking to me like that, Petty Officer?
I'm not talking to you like any way I'm trying to ask you.
Petty Officer, motherfucker.
The way you're talking to me right now, sir, is unsatisfactory.
All right, that's it. That's it. Get on the floor, and I want 50.
Okay.
Count them down.
All right.
Are you disobeying a direct order from your commanding officer?
You're not my commanding officer.
I am a commanding officer in the United States Navy!
baby. You're not my
commanding officer. I am a commanding
officer! Give me your commanding
officer right now. He's not in at the
moment. You motherfucker, you.
I'm happy to leave a message.
What's your number? Give me your numbers right now.
You just called my number.
No, no, not your phone numbers, your
ID number. Give me right now.
My ID number? I command you to give me
your serial number. My serial
number? Yes. I don't have a
serial number. Where's your military ID?
I'm looking right at it in my computer.
read everything out i'm not reading anything i command you i'm gonna hang up the phone sir
you motherfucker you all right look i'm not a lieutenant okay i'm sorry i'm also a petty
officer okay all right how you doing um um okay how are you i'm good do you like to masturbate
do you ever masturbate in your navy pants
shit he didn't fall for that at all i don't sound like a navy man i'm too i have too much
Much estrogen in my voice like Gary Brodsky says.
States Navy, Petty Officer speaking.
I'm Absor, ma'am.
Huh?
Hello?
Huh?
Huh?
I didn't want to talk to him.
I was trying to get someone else.
I was hoping it was a big call center.
States Navy, Petty Officer speaking.
I'm Absor, ma'am.
Is there anyone else there?
I'm the only one here.
Is there a man I can talk to?
I'm the man.
If you want to come down here and see, I'll show you who the man is.
You'll show me your private parts to prove it?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, dude.
Yeah, you're going to show me them price cards.
Yeah, I'll show you.
Fucking Navy.
Rumors are true.
The man of the night.
I got a phone number for Ross.
Where you dress for less.
Yeah.
They're looking for merchandise, processors, inventory control, order selectors and operators, warehouse trends, markers.
Markers.
Yeah.
Picking and packing, shipping and receiving.
Yeah, let's do it.
Good afternoon.
Thank you for calling Berksley Beyond.
This is how they help you.
Hey, how you doing, fucker?
I was calling because I got this newspaper here.
You put a job ad in the paper?
Okay.
All right, what can you tell me about this shit?
Excuse me?
What can you tell me about this?
Okay, you don't need to curse at, you don't need to use profanity over the phone.
I'm sorry, I made a mistake, because I talk like that with my friends, and I, for a second there, I forgot.
I'm very sorry.
Okay, you need to pass on the phone.
Thank you for calling, Brooke.
This is how I may help you.
I'm sorry about that, okay?
Okay, reporters are busy right now.
Can you call back in about a half hour?
What's Critters? Oh, Recruiters? The Recruiters are busy?
Maybe I have too much echo, let's see.
Uh, uh, uh, oh, here, okay. That's where I was, I thought.
Ah, Recruiters are busy, whatever.
Bullshit. Alright, so I'll look for another number, right? And I'll play a song in the meantime.
As the incense burn and the turntables turn in that Al Green place.
I see my mama's afro.
Bookkeeping, office help, part-time two to three days a week.
And real estate management.
Okay.
Stupid.
Oh, it says fax resume.
Duh.
Duh.
All right, here's just a phone number, phone number for caregivers.
All shifts, car necessary, clean record, home instead of hospital, senior care.
Okay.
Now they're on.
The one pain in the ass of doing these is that it's on a newspaper.
Ugh, so I gotta type everything in.
Man, I suck at typing.
It's oppression, the drug profession flourishes like beverages.
It's oppression.
I think I get it.
Drug dickens or the egg.
This is what beat life, cause I can't cheat.
Thanks for choosing Hummins at Senior Care.
This is Brooke.
Uh, hey, how are you doing?
I'm fine, and yourself?
I'm not too good.
I'm really upset at my current job.
I'm a caregiver now.
Okay.
I see you have job openings for caregivers.
Oh, yes, we do.
Actually, do you mind holding, and I can get you through with our HR department.
Okay, all right.
Okay, what's your name, please?
Cross.
One moment.
Okay.
You've reached the voicemail.
Oh, come on!
Please leave your name.
Come on!
Thank you for choosing Home Instead Senior Care.
This is Julia.
Yeah, there's no one in HR.
Right now.
No!
You've reached the...
Did she listen to me?
You were choosing home and said,
Senior Care, this is Debbie.
How can I help you?
Listen, I have a question.
Don't transfer me.
Okay.
Damn it.
I'm a caregiver right now.
I'm actually hiding in the bathroom of my job
because I'm calling about the job ad that you have here.
No one's answering in HR.
Can you just answer some questions for me, Jesus?
Yes, I sure can.
Okay, hold on a second.
Like I said, I have to call from the bathroom
because I don't want them to know that I'm looking for a job.
Is that okay?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
How many positions are there?
Are there multiple or just one?
Multiple.
Multiple positions?
Okay.
Yes.
But this is, I have to travel, right?
This is not a facility?
Yeah, this is not a facility.
We go from home to home in the Cumberland-Carrie County area.
Okay.
Do you compensate for mileage?
the only time there would be compensation for mileage if you're taking your client somewhere
or you're doing errands for your client so um you know if your client needs you to go to the
grocery store or something like that there would be mileage for that hang on give me a second
all right so the only time that you it's if it's okay like for other than that so if i had to go to
But you can tell us where you're willing to travel to.
Like if you live in the...
Like the liquor store?
Like the liquor store?
What do you mean?
Like they might ask me to go to the liquor store?
Typically, it's like the pharmacy, the grocery store, the doctor's, places like that.
Yeah, because I can go to the liquor store, too, if they need liquor.
or I can go to the adult store if they want some pornography
or lubricant or something like that, you know?
Okay.
Yeah.
Can I get your name, please?
Why?
We like to keep on track of who calls in so that if you're interested,
I can watch for your application and let Lindsay and HR know.
But that's Lindsay and HR's job.
Like, you're not with that department.
You're in the front.
You're going to tell her something about me, aren't you?
You don't like me.
I know you don't like me, the way you're talking to me.
My subtitle is retention and recruit you.
No, I'm not going to say that.
I work in HR with Lindsay.
Lindsay and I both work together here in HR.
You're not in HR, though.
You're at the front desk.
You answered the phone front desk.
I know that's a lie.
I'm also looking at the website at the staff, and you're not listed in the HR department.
So you're lying?
What's my name?
You're lying to me?
No, no.
No, I'm not lying to you.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you're being very shady here, you know?
I think maybe you're threatened that I'm trying to get a job there.
You think maybe I'm going to take your position because I'm younger and smarter.
Is that what it is?
Just tell me the truth.
It's okay.
I won't tell anybody.
Are you threatened by my youth and better education and the fact that I'm a man?
Okay.
that's a good place i'm going to put a star next to that one here let me get the pen
and give that a big star for possible call back and here's another caregiver one i'll pee on the
phone again i love that she she kind of reacted like she hesitated a little when i turned it up
a little bit oh no that was the second one shit the first one didn't didn't go never mind okay
auto detailing full or part-time driver's license required for the machine all right
Alright, we'll circle that and call it.
ABC Clean Cars, hello.
Hey, how are you, honey?
I'm doing good, how are you?
I'm good, I see you have a job put in here for auto detailing,
where I can go in and clean the car and get all the feces and stains out of it.
Sure, yeah, we're hiring for auto detailing.
Where are you located at, dammit?
We're a mechanics firm, where are you calling from?
Oh, well, I'm calling here locally, also.
I signed the paper, local paper.
That's the pissing song.
ABC Clean Cars.
Yeah, hi. I was calling about the auto detailing job. Is that still available?
Yes, we're taking applications until Friday.
And how many positions are up? How many positions?
I'm looking for one more person. I already hired somebody.
All right, you can hear me.
So I need one more position filled.
Okay, so I can come in today and get that application in before some other jerk, you know, tries to take it, right?
So you're saying you can come in and put an application in before another jerk comes in. Is that what you just said to me?
Yeah, you know how they are.
Some other jerk-off will take the job, and I deserve it, you know?
Oh, some other jerk-off, but you think you deserve the job.
Listen, dude, don't even call me.
Motherfucker.
I love this shit.
I love job application calls, man.
God, they're fucking awesome.
They're so incredulous at the attitude.
Oh, boy.
Appliance installers needed.
$500 sign-on bonus of qualified.
Please inquire.
And calling, and then they have their number.
Ask for Big Andy.
You must be able to pass a drug screen.
Well, there it goes.
A criminal background check.
Well, one out of two ain't bad.
Yeah, hey, big guy.
Is that Andy?
This is Phil.
All right, so where's Andy then?
Andy's on a conference call?
I'm supposed to be on the conference call.
Can you patch me through?
Thanks, buddy.
Do you have the conference call number?
Well, yeah.
What I had might be wrong.
Can you confirm it?
There's supposed to be a number and a code.
I've tried that three times, and each time, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, to be honest.
Hello?
Yeah.
Shit, shit, shit.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Damn it.
Yeah, I was just talking to someone who was helping me out getting on the conference call.
A gentleman?
We can't actually patch you in.
It's on a closed line.
There's actually a conference call number you needed to call,
and then there would be a conference call code.
Well, yeah, I'm putting in what Andy told me.
I don't even have the conference call code.
Can you confirm the phone number and just what code it's supposed to be?
I'm sorry, your name is what?
Eddie.
What's your last name?
Cross.
Let me just go verify that information with him.
Can I please show him a quick hold?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is he acting?
Yeah, Victoria, did you find out anything?
I'm missing this call.
Yes, I was actually just speaking with Andy,
and he also chimed in and asked the other gentlemen who were on the conference call.
Unfortunately, no one can confirm that you were supposed to be on it,
and I would advise that I'm not permitted to provide you with the conference call number or the code.
You know what? God damn you people. Seriously.
I'm so sick and tired of Andy and his bullshit.
You let him know I said that.
Is this in regards to a delivery issue?
I'm supposed to be in the conference call regarding the conference.
I have a contract at stake here, and Andy keeps messing around.
Okay, this isn't, it's not a conference call in regards to any contract.
This is a call between supervisors about making an issue.
Yeah, my contract is involved.
I understand, but with our CEO in the conference, we're supposed to be on the call.
It's not information that I'm coming from.
well you tell andy he's a motherfucker again if you'd like me to take your information i can
provide it to him no yeah just here i write down the message are you ready dear andy you
fucking asshole you you fucked me again you fucked me again
let me star that one i never even got into the job thing i'm just being an asshole all right
here's an employment for a carpenter experience must have tools and car install windows decks
and doors every time i try to call these carpenter ones never no one has ever answered for some
reason i think that's gonna happen again if you're a carpenter trying to get a job because
they don't ever answer it's our rental yeah hey honey how are you okay all right i'm calling
regarding the job you have in the paper the job in the paper yeah the carpenter xpd yes uh-huh okay
yeah i know i have tools i have all the tools i got a machine also i have the machines what
machine is that the main machine for carpentry the main machine for carpentry yeah it has the
button on it i have no idea what that is is there a man might know is there a man who knows about
tools i could talk to i yeah but they're all working right now so yeah because usually men
And know these things, right?
Yeah.
Well, you could try later on.
Thank you.
No, no, don't go.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay.
We'll leave it on that.
She's already on guard because I called her honey.
At least it didn't say honey baby.
Or big girl.
Big girl's my favorite.
Honey baby is up there, but big girl.
And honey baby, I'm pretty sure I got that from the Jerky Boys.
That was a Saul Rosenberg thing.
He's like, okay, honey, baby.
Okay, honey, baby.
I used to never do it unless the woman who I was talking to in a prank was like, oh, hey, honey.
All right, honey, let me check.
And I go, oh, yeah, honey, baby.
Like, I take it to the next step.
And pretty soon after that, I just flew in.
Good afternoon, Alex Ailes.
This is Sue.
Hey, Sue, how are you?
Okay.
Yay.
I'm looking at an ad in the paper for a carpenter and foreperson.
Okay.
It says 40-year-old co-looking for full-time year-round foreperson, good pay, health plan, retirement, adult clubs, life ins.
Is that insurance?
Okay, yes.
And then minutes, seven, Y-R, year, E-X-P.
Minimum.
Express.
Experience.
Minimum seven years experience.
Okay, okay.
That now would make sense.
I was wondering, goodness me.
All right, what can I tell you about me there, honey?
Are you local?
Yes, I am.
Okay.
The best thing is just...
Oh, I live in the burg.
Okay.
Yeah.
The best thing is coming in, completing application.
Okay.
Okay, all right. I have, like, do I work there, or do I, like, go out to jobs?
Out to job sites.
Good, good, good. Do they usually have a toilet that I can use?
I have IBS. Do you know what that is? Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
So I have to actually urinate and go to the bathroom a lot?
Yeah, they normally do. If not, then they are a port-a-john.
All right, so you're saying I have to be 40 years old? Is that negotiable?
No, the company's 40 years old.
Oh, okay, okay.
I was wondering why you wanted a 40-year-old or, you know, like that.
Okay.
All right.
And then, so do I need my own tools?
Yes.
All right.
I have a machine.
The machine?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I got the machine that I can use.
What's the machine?
The main machine for the carpenter main machine.
Okay.
Okay.
Excuse me, Link.
I just got to get out of the bathroom.
Okay.
Give me just a second.
Okay.
Excellent.
That's great.
Let me write down all this information then.
So I don't have to be 40 years old.
No.
And it's not seven years.
It's minimum seven years experience.
Okay.
Because that was like seven year express.
I didn't know if that was the kind of terms or something like that.
Okay. And then there's plenty of toilets to urinate and defecate in?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. All right. Do I have to bring my own toilet paper?
I don't think so.
Okay. All right. Okay. All right. And should I put down that I have big sexual organs?
No.
That won't help me?
No.
Does a woman do the hiring or a man?
Man.
Oh, that's too bad because I like to, I'll seduce women. I have pheromone. There's this
this guy on the radio gary brotsky he sells pheromone cologne that it makes women attracted
to you if they put pheromones and hormones inside the cologne and that's how i i have gotten two
jobs now wearing it okay yeah but i'll probably be around men all the time on the work site so
i shouldn't wear it there because men get aggressive towards you because they they can
men can smell
shit I don't know what the fuck I'm
talking about
Gary Brodsky's pheromones
I was listening to
Dwight's newest
YouTube video and I had
it has one of my calls
where I'm calling Gary
about pheromone cologne
and he's like oh we got a normal
caller
nope
actually don't Gary
she wasn't getting
I went into that too easy and it took too long
I said some wacky stuff but she didn't really react
like I wanted
she seems to be a cool lady
we'll mark that with check
alright another carpenter job
lead
too loud
lead carpenter job
yeah
and helper needed
for a local busy company
experienced and proficient
it in all aspects of home remodeling. Steady, year-round, permanent employing, call Remodeler
Machines. Let's do it.
Yes, hi, I'm calling about your carpenter job
Oh, you're gonna have to call back when I can't hear you
Oh, I'm sorry, I have CNN on, let me turn it down, hang on
Okay, can you hear me now?
Yeah
I'm sorry, I had CNN playing in the background.
Okay.
I see you have a job ad here for Carpenter Lee Carpenter Halper.
Yep.
Needed for a local busy co.
Yep.
Expressed and proficient in all aspects of home remodeling.
And then I have to be steady year-round.
I am.
And permanent.
I am a permanent.
And then employment, yeah.
Employment call, then it has your name.
How are you doing today, sir?
Pretty good.
Good, good.
I can, what type of experience do you have?
I have 10 years experience in carpentry.
I used to be the lead carpenter at a mega church in Florida.
Had to work all the time.
Then I worked for Universal Studios in the carpentry department.
I worked on several rides over there, including the mummy ride.
Okay.
And then I worked at Walt Disney World as a lead carpenter over there for Woodland.
And then we also had a slavery exhibit that we did at Epcot.
And it was a hut made out of wood.
And I designed it and built it.
It had animatronics in it, animatronic slaves and stuff.
And then we had an animatronic tree where there was a lynching show done like four times a day.
i created it oh nice yeah what's your name my name is cross spell it c-r-o-s-s is that your
first name uh that is just my name i actually don't i had to change to cross when i come when
i became a born-again christian okay and your phone number it's uh 808-2014
Okay, let me talk with my foreman, and he's doing the hiring.
I'm watching CNN.
They're showing a story.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Jeez.
All right, well, I'll pass this on to my foreman, who's doing the hiring.
He's got his arm all the way up to his wrist, and they're going to ask for it.
Hello, sir?
Hello, sir.
Sir, are you there?
Sir, are you there?
Oh, CNN.
How many of your mothers can help you?
What about my mother?
What did you say?
Pardon me?
You said something about my mother when you hung up.
I heard you say something.
I didn't say anything about your mother.
Listen, my mother passed away two years ago of a heart attack in my arm.
Well, I didn't say anything about your mother.
My mom passed away ten years ago.
Did she pass away in your arms?
If you're applying for a job and can't even turn your television down, that's pretty bad.
I'm not interested in interviewing you or hiring you.
The television isn't on.
Goodbye.
It's on the computer.
It's on the computer.
I love it.
That's the kind of effect I like with the Oh God Bill thing.
And I remember trying to get that effect a whole bunch of times when last time I did these calls.
And I could never get it.
And final.
We'll put a star next to that one.
Man, I love these calls.
But I do have a doctor's appointment today
And I gotta leave in about two hours
So I can't be on too much longer
But I'm here
I'm here
Alright, here's a
Ford dealership looking for a body shop technician
Full time
We're in the sewer that I grew up in choices. We man. We need to call Bob
This is not for commercial usage, please don't categorize. This is music
Don't compare me to other rappers compare me to trappers. I'm more Frank Lucas than ludicrous and Luda's my dude
I ain't trying to diss like
Snitch I'ma follow the rules no matter how much time for live and die with the decisions that I'ma pick
So fuck the haven for cavemen
Tell me to sit forward
Hey, honey, how are you?
Fine, and you?
Oh, I'm good. I'm doing really good.
I had a good morning today.
I had a good breakfast, healthy breakfast.
Had a good bowel movement.
Everything's doing great today.
Good.
I was calling to talk to Bob.
He called me back about a job application I put in.
Bob.
Bob and me.
Bob in the body shop.
Yep, one moment.
Okay, honey, baby.
Monday through Friday and Saturday till 5.
A big bowel movement.
At L.B. Smith Ford Lincoln, customer service is our highest priority.
We appreciate your patience.
Please continue to hold.
Someone will be with you momentarily.
You know your vehicle needs to be serviced, but Monday through Friday, you can never find the time.
Problem solved.
At L.B. Smith Ford Lincoln, our award-winning service department is now open Saturdays from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Not just the basics, but full service.
Appointments are significant.
Smith Ford Lincoln stocks more genuine Ford parts than any other dealer in Central Pennsylvania.
Our parts department can serve you from 730 till 5, Monday through Friday, and Saturday 8 to 4.
By the way, this episode will not go on the showreel.
You need to be catching it live or wait for four months when it's edited.
If you are involved in an accident, L.B. Smith Ford Lincoln can help.
So you better get your listens in now and tell everybody.
Carlito ain't putting this one on the showroom.
Body Shop, Nate speaking. How may I help you?
Yeah, how are you?
Good, good. How can I help you today, sir?
I'm calling about the Body Shop technician job.
I'm calling from the bathroom, my current job.
I'm sorry about the echo.
Yeah, it is echoing. It's a little hard to hear you, sir.
Yeah, I'll try to step away a little bit.
I can't call from outside because they'll know I'm looking for a job, you know?
Right, okay.
Well, what can I help you with?
Right now, we are still accepting applications.
Yeah, where's Bob at?
I'm not supposed to talk to the lady.
He's actually out of the office for the rest of the day.
Is he sick?
I'm sorry, say that again?
Is he sick?
No, he just had a place to go for today, an appointment, so he'll be back tomorrow.
Oh, where at? Where'd he go? Is that out of town?
That, I can't tell you that, sir. It's, uh, he has an appointment to deal with. He'll be back tomorrow.
Well, he told me to call him back today. I'm finalizing.
Yeah, he won't be back anymore today. However, you would need to talk to him, uh, tomorrow, then when he does come in.
Well, he's a fucking asshole.
Because I've been waiting all day to call in, that motherfucker.
When did he leave?
Sir, I don't, uh, appreciate the tone, but I'm trying to help you out here.
However, he won't be back until tomorrow,
so if you need to speak specifically to him,
he will be in tomorrow at 7.30.
Well, listen, I don't have time for this shit.
Can you take a message?
That's what I'm trying to do, sir.
You won't have to talk to him tomorrow.
I will let him know that you called,
but what is your name and number?
All right, here's the message.
Are you ready to write it down?
Let me just make sure I have it ready for you.
Okay.
Okay.
Bob.
Dear Bob.
Well, I'm not going to take a full mission.
No, listen.
You need to.
Listen.
Dear Bob.
Damn it.
Dear Bob, comma, take your job, shove it up your ass, you motherfucker.
You wasted my fucking time.
I lost a different job opportunity because of your fucking ass.
Sir.
Do I need to say that slower?
Please calm down.
Yeah, I'm going to ask that you tell me your name.
Cross.
And the number you need to call back.
Cross.
Cross.
Man! Yeah, motherfucker, you, bitch!
Sir, you're gonna have to...
Who is that? Tell me who that is. I'll kick his ass. Tell him I'll kick his ass.
Alright, sir, I'm gonna ask that you give me the number that I need to have the manager call you at.
Am I on speaker still? I'll kick your ass, motherfucker!
Sir, do you have a name that I can write down along with a telephone number?
My name is Cross.
Okay, and what is your telephone number?
808-2014, you motherfucker, you!
808-20...
What the fuck?!
All right, sir, we'll have him call you...
You tell that motherfucker back there,
or when I'm called down there,
I'm gonna kick him right in the fucking ass!
Sir, I don't have to listen to your tone this way.
I'm trying to help you out here, so...
Fuck yeah!
Just bear with us, and we'll deal with you tomorrow...
Fucker!
Thank you for your time.
Fuck it!
it wasn't just my tone man it was also the things i said that's why we don't speak
made men ain't supposed to make statements to the story i followed the cold crack the safe
of the niggas ain't in the game so they practice hate leave that boy hope alone why don't you
you don't have to if you don't want to but don't say i didn't want the guy in the background
he talking to me like that
the guy took me off a speakerphone
to keep a fight from breaking up
that guy was turning red back there
fucking redneck
motherfucker
he was getting ready to fucking chip out on me
damn it
Nunu has sent UK numbers
ok I'll do some UK numbers
good evening
yes is that Mr. Rivers
yes I'm calling from the United Water Corporation
we have a problem with your water
You've got a problem with my water?
Yeah, there's a report of an issue with the water table in your area.
We need you to check the water from your toilet.
If you can flush your toilet, let us know if it's flushing clear
or if it has any brown or particles in it after you flush it.
Who are you? Who are you from?
My name is Cross. I'm calling from United Water Machines.
We handle the water table in your area for your local water company.
No, Cambridge Water deal with my water. Goodbye.
Yeah, we have a contract with them.
Combridge Water.
All right, I'm going to call and tell them from Cambridge Water.
Combridge Water.
Yes, hi, good evening.
I'm calling from Combridge Water.
Yeah.
Yeah, we need you to please check your toilet, if you can flush it,
and please let me know if it's flushing clear or if it has any brown hue to it or any particulates.
No, there's nothing wrong with my water.
Have you flushed the toilet yet?
I haven't heard you flush it.
I don't need to flush it.
I flushed it five minutes ago.
No, it's only through the toilets.
It's only coming through toilets.
You can only see it on the toilet.
When you look at a faucet, you can't see it.
You have to have a large amount like you would in the toilet.
The quickest way to check is by having you flush the toilet, sir.
Please, I'm begging you.
Okay, all right.
Did you make your tea out of the toilet water or out of your sink?
Out of your faucet.
It's all on the same pipeline.
Okay, all right.
Okay, that makes sense.
All right, can you check the temperature of the toilet water?
Can you check to see if it's cold or hot?
I had to drink out of the tap, and that was cold.
No, it's through the toilet.
You need to check if it's cold or hot.
Okay, nice.
Listen, don't...
That's useless.
You're talking through the back of your neck.
Yeah, well...
The back of my neck.
All right, back to the newspaper.
I think I am done with the front page.
Yep, done with the front page.
Okay.
The casino is hiring.
The local casino.
Part-time positions in Food and Brevich.
beverage housekeeping security officer finance player service cage cashier table games dealer
teams table games poker host wow man i will love to be a blackjack dealer that would be my dream
job man like homer simpson was for a while i think he was like he was hitting on 20.
Thank you for calling the second round.
For casino information, please select one of the following options.
For directions to casino, please press 1.
Press 2 for current promotional information.
For information on player services or a win-loss statement, please press 3.
Press 4 for information on our dining venues or to make a reservation.
For the racing department or para-mutual wagering services, please press 5.
For security and public safety, please press 6.
For a team member directory, please press 7.
For access to the poker room registration desk, please press 9.
Press pound to repeat this message. Thank you.
That's it?
For casino security, please press 1.
Security podium officer Bamford, how can I help you?
Hey boy, how you doing?
Good, how you?
you god damn it i'm trying to call someone on human resources those motherfuckers don't have
a fucking number or an extension well with language like that i'm wondering it's a wonder
they don't they even answer the phone for you well no i haven't talked to them like that hold
on i'll transfer you to them all right damn it who is this i work in beverage services my name is
smith okay hold on hello casino this is kate what's your number direct there big kate excuse
me what's the extension to get a hold of hr i've been trying to call you motherfuckers for so long
long now um excuse me what is your question sir well i have a question about my benefit shit
damn it who is this this is smith i work in beverage services okay um please hold a minute
unique dining experience awaits guests at final cut steakhouse so i'll transfer you to tammy
please hold all right girl hi you have reached tammy no operator defined to request another
For another transfer, press star T or leave a message.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Hey, listen, I need to get human resources on the line.
Human resources?
Yeah.
All right.
Someone just showed me their sex organs.
I work in beverage services, and someone just showed me their sexual organs.
What?
Human resources.
They need transfer.
Someone show me their sexual organs.
Bring guests every minute of the day.
This is Kate.
Kate, Tammy didn't pick up, and there's someone who just showed me their sexual organs here.
Just a minute.
Listen, one of the security people just showed me his sexual organs.
Okay, let me transfer you to Denise, okay?
Just a minute, please.
Enjoy the finest steaks, seafood, chops, and daily menu specials.
This is Denise.
How can I help you?
Hey, Big Denise.
How you doing, big girl?
Who's this?
This is Smith.
I work in beverage services.
This is someone that just showed me their sexual organ.
Okay.
I want this reported.
I have pictures of the sexual organ.
Why are you covering the phone?
I'm not covering the phone.
Yeah, you are.
What is that?
Okay.
Why did you do that?
If you want me to help, I'm not covering the phone.
What was wrong?
Why was it muffled?
Because I went and got a tablet to write your name down.
Oh, okay.
What can I do to help you, sir?
Did it go into your bosoms?
Can I help you in any way?
Yeah, I want to make a report.
Someone showed me their sexual organs.
okay but i need your full name he had a large shrimp in the in the buffet and he put it up
his crotch was like like that and i consider that just like he showed me his sexual organ
was he an employee yeah some mexican kid that works there okay he made he put the shrimp the
big shrimp in his crotch where his penis would be and then he went he went back and forth with
of his hips and he went like that with the big shrimp and it was flopping up and down
with the tail and sir do you work here yeah i work in beverage services you work in beverage
services yeah i make i make the drinks i make the drinks you know yeah motherfuckers okay that
motherfucker did that shit to me motherfucker okay well i i can help you but i need to know
You tall motherfucker shit fucking asshole.
You don't know how sexually scared I am now, motherfucker shit.
Smith?
Yes?
Are you still there?
I need to go into the bathroom because I'm yelling really loud.
I'm here at work and I'm going to get in trouble.
Hang on.
Hello?
You work with us here at Hollywood.
I'm in the bathroom now because I'm just sitting here and I'm going to get in trouble, you know?
Well, why don't you come down to HR?
Do you...
I can't.
I can't.
I haven't used the bathroom anymore.
Why?
Like I'm just standing here trying to start urinating, and it won't go.
Right.
Because of what happened.
Oh, hang on.
There it goes.
So I should just go there?
Will you help me out?
I'm saying you can come down to HR, yes.
I'm here right now.
Hang on, hang on.
Because I've got to write down your info, but I can't use both hands.
Hang on.
So are you on property right now?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Why don't you call me back when it's more convenient?
Oh, I'm done. I'm done peeing now.
Okay. All right. I'm a little more calm now, you know?
Mm-hmm. Why don't you come down to the HR office?
You're not going to be upset that I was yelling and cursing at work, right?
Well, it's inappropriate, but I would rather try and get to the bottom of the situation that you're dealing with.
The only guests that were around were this Asian, and I don't think they speak English.
They don't look like they do. I think they're from out of country.
So I don't think they understood. Maybe they knew I was angry, right?
That's why I still should not have done that.
Well, you work here.
I still should not have done that, right?
Was it in front of other guests?
Yeah, they were nearby, but they were Asians, you know?
I don't think, they were like Oriental.
I don't think that they understood.
But they still probably knew that I was yelling and angry and upset.
And they might have recognized some of the words from, you know, like TV and media or something.
Well, why don't you come down to the office if you're working?
I know.
All right, I'll go ahead.
I'll turn myself in, you know.
I'm sorry.
Well, no, no, no.
I want to help you so you can come down to the office and we can get more information and you can write a statement for me.
I know, but you're going to write me up.
i know because i said that shit well i don't write anybody up i work in human resources yeah but
you're still put in like a something you'll tell someone to write me up you know maybe i'm just
going to not report it i'm kind of intimidated now no i'm intimidated now why are you intimidated
because i messed up i started cursing in front of you in front of guests and um i damaged that um
that artwork back there i don't know where the artwork is yeah well i damaged it when i was
I was going to the bathroom.
I threw all these vases and all these paintings on my way there to the bathroom.
I yanked them off the wall, and they fell down.
Okay.
Yeah, and then I kicked some of the furniture.
I kicked that couch, that loveseat, I kicked it downstairs into the casino floor.
I should not have done that.
I'm not familiar with that.
Do you work here?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got to get, I should probably get back on the floor, I think.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, I'm not going to report the sexual harassment because I don't want to get retribution against me, you know?
Retribution?
Yeah.
Can you hear me?
I'm back on the floor.
I can hear you.
Okay, yeah, I don't.
You mean retaliation?
Yeah, against me because of.
Sir, I don't even know who you are, so I can't.
Yeah, but my boss.
I can't help you.
my boss will probably do it because he doesn't like me okay well that's i mean i don't know who
you are to even help you so i know well that's why this is good yeah you're not gonna you're
not gonna be able to put a report and i'm not gonna get fired or you know why don't i give you
my direct line sure uh i can give you my direct phone number and that way if you want to set up
an appointment we can discuss this further um is that like are you coming on to me now
no i'm offering you my phone number at work that if you want to set up an appointment to make a
formal complaint i don't feel comfortable with this kind of arrangement quid pro quo
i don't feel comfortable with that um well smith if we can be of any help i mean i'm a young man
Man, I'm a young man, and I know maybe you have certain urges, but I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
I'm in a relationship right now.
Okay, I'm going to end this conversation because you're being inappropriate.
I'm not.
I'm just saying you were coming on to me.
It's okay.
I kind of flattered, but no.
The answer is no, okay?
Have a good day.
Okay, bye.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
The radio was up.
I'm sorry, honey.
Okay, who is this?
Oh, hey, this is Cross.
I see you have a 24-foot round swimming pool with a ladder.
I do, yes.
Oh, that's great.
I'm over here.
I just bought a new house, a new ranch property.
I'm over here at Horse Machine Ranch Road, the new development.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I'm looking for something that I can put upside down,
and that's where I'm going to go inside.
And I'm going to have, like, a big steam room,
and we get naked and turn the steam on inside we get naked and we masturbate and get all the
toxins out of our bodies like a spa hmm hello hello hello me me me me me me me
she wants that old thing back she want those heroin tracks she likes me she fiends for me
Morning, she rushed from my touch.
This is about lust when I'm not with her.
My presence is a must, must, must.
Yeah, hi.
Did we get disconnected?
I believe so, because I think I hung up on you.
But why?
I'm sorry.
Because you were being a pervert.
No, no, no, no, no.
I didn't mean to say that part.
I'm sorry.
That's private.
That's supposed to be private.
Okay, do you have Tourette?
No, well.
Yeah, I think so.
It's like Asperger's?
So you just say things that come out of your mouth.
Sometimes I do.
I am supposed to think them and I say them out like they come out like that.
And I have a speech therapist I'm working with to stop those things.
Yeah, sometimes I'll be standing in line somewhere and I'll just go like that.
And I'm supposed to be thinking it in my head, but I'm like, like that.
And people turn around and look at me.
Okay, why does somebody want to come and pull a joke on me?
No, I also have big sexual organs.
Is that right?
Sounds like a personal problem.
No, it's not a problem.
Trust me.
Okay.
All right, so you were interested in the pool, and you want to tell me about your sexual organs.
Well, I did bee sting therapy, where you actually get stung by bees on your penis,
and after an amount of time, it permanently grows scar tissue, and it becomes bigger.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's pretty round, too.
It's not even.
Sounds like you need some therapy.
The shaft isn't even, but it's really big.
Is that right?
Okay, well, thanks for sharing.
Okay, honey.
All right, so can I come by and see that swimming pool?
If you'd like.
Is it filled up right now, or...?
No, there's no water in it.
Oh, that's good.
So we can turn it upside down?
No, it's too heavy.
Can I kick it?
Sure.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, honey.
All right, baby.
Bye-bye.
Bye, honey.
Hey, I know everything you like and love.
Hello?
I'm sorry?
Hello?
Oh, hey.
I'm calling.
Do you have a job here for electricians?
Yes.
That's good.
That's good.
Is there a man I can talk to?
Well, is there a problem talking with a woman?
It is.
It's an electrician job.
I'm not used to that.
Yes, it is.
I'm not used to that.
Okay.
Are you hoping to apply for the position or?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
My name is Bonnie and I'm the office manager.
How may I help you, sir?
Oh, that's nice, honey.
My name is Cross.
I'm calling interested about the electrician job.
I had a question.
Do I have to have my own tool machines?
Tool machine?
I'm not sure what question you're asking.
We typically ask for electricians to have their typical hand tools that you would normally have,
wire strippers, things like that.
Yes, we do request to have your own hand tools.
Yeah, I do have my own hand tool machines.
Yep, that's what I mean.
Okay.
They're machines.
They're little machines, you know.
Oh, okay.
Very good.
I've not heard them referred to by that term.
Well, you are a lady, maybe.
I don't know.
Okay.
Would you like to apply for this position, sir?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
If you're talking to you, I would, yeah.
Okay.
My boss is hanging around.
Can you just give me a second to pop into the bathroom so I can finish this conversation?
That's fine.
All right, just be 10 seconds.
I'm walking now.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, can you hear me okay in here?
Yes, I can.
Okay, great.
All right, so I should come down and fill out an application?
You can stop by and fill out an application.
We also have an application online.
Okay.
I can do it online?
Yes, you can.
Okay.
And that's on your website?
That's in the end?
That's correct.
That's listed in the newspaper.
Okay.
Just give me another...
I'm almost done.
And I'll write this all down.
And who would I report to?
Would that be you?
you you can stop if you stop in i am the person that would meet you at the door to hand you an
application to fill out okay let me flush okay let me step out of here okay all right let's so
i have to go to website fill out application go to business talk to bonnie give another application
Sir, you only need to do one or the other.
Either apply online or come in and fill out an application in person.
Oh, so which one is better?
It doesn't matter.
Both get through me, and I see that the proper people get them.
Oh, but, you know, it's better if I go there in person.
You see me, you know, and then I get through you better.
Okay.
Well, it's entirely up to you, sir, whichever is more convenient for you.
Hang on.
I'm going to write this.
Apparently, you're a very busy person if you can't even take time to call
when you're not using the restroom.
Yeah, well, my boss, my asshole boss.
Hang on, let me go to the break room, and I'll write this down.
All right, so I got it.
I think they're watching CNN in here.
All right, okay.
All right, so what's the address there then?
The address was listed in the newspaper, 6365.
Okay, okay.
All right, and what time are you there?
to honey sir i am in the office somebody is in the office from 8 a.m to 4 p.m 8 to 4 and i should
ask monday through friday i should ask for big bonnie okay do you like chipotle well i'm going
to bring some chipotle for you we maybe we can eat a burrito together and um sir if you're interested
in applying in applying for the job you may either do it online or in person thank you very much for
Thank you for your call. Have a good day. Goodbye.
She was trying not to laugh several times there.
That's my bitch.
Good afternoon. Thanks for calling.
See, this is...
How you doing today?
I'm doing great. And who's this?
This is Cross. I'm calling about your job ad you have for customer relations.
Yeah.
I'm calling about the job. How do you think?
Great, great. And Cross, you said you saw it in the paper?
Hello? Yeah. Is this thing working?
Wonderful.
is this shit working who is this this is cross i'm calling about the job okay cross hold on for
me for one second i'm gonna transfer that department all right motherfucker hello how
can i help you hey scott this is cross i'm calling about the uh job that you have here in the peppa
okay okay what's your name uh cross cross i have i have a associate's degree in customer relations
I wanted to be
work in PR, but
I had a drug conviction
and they won't allow me to do
fucking, what is it?
The financial aid.
Okay.
Yeah.
And do you have your own?
It was just a little bit of grass.
It was just a little bit of grass.
Yeah.
Do you have your own reliable vehicle?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Are you 18 years of age or older?
Oh, fuck yeah, I am.
I'm 32.
And do you have a license
to operate your vehicle?
Hang on, let me turn the TV down.
I had CNN on, give me a second
Alright, sorry, I like to watch CNN during the day
Sometimes in the background
Um, do I have what now?
You have your own driver's license
Yeah, I got a car, man
Yeah, doesn't mean you don't have a driver's license
God, you're ignorant
I'm sorry?
This guy's fucking ignorant
You believe this guy, Bob?
Hello? Hello?
Fuck that guy
That shit was going nowhere
I'm watching C
We are currently accepting applications for the part-time package handler position for
two different locations.
Individuals who are interested in applying for a part-time package handler position are
required to attend a short observation before completing an employment application.
During the short observation, individuals will have the opportunity to win at a charity.
Please wait.
Charity.
Mary Ellen, how can I help you?
Charity.
I heard you say charity.
I was answering another question.
Charity.
I fucked this girl named Charity once.
Oh, she had such a tight little pig pussy.
I was calling her.
Whatever your vice is, you know.
Whatever you like to do.
Oh, boy.
I never fucked her, but I imagine she had a tight little thing.
I'm sorry.
Come on, I was like 16.
I was like, I wonder what charity looks like.
Man, I would jerk off thinking of charity.
Headed to the party like.
Come on, work.
Come on.
Vito, baby.
No equal, baby.
Go, the Pico.
Now me.
25.
Yeah.
Yo, what's up? I've been doing this since Chips was out.
Table 4 Powder bagging up at that Ramada.
Hello?
I'm sorry, who's this?
This is Cross. I'm calling about the CDL equipment operator needed.
CDL and Orskill equipment operator needed for part-time snow removal or services.
Please call.
Can I call you right back?
Fuck no. I don't have time for that shit.
Way to go, Carlos.
Hey, big girl, how you doing?
Can I help you?
I'm supposed to talk to Dirty?
Mary Dirty?
No, Dirty.
Dirty?
Dirty?
Dirty.
D-H-R-U-T-I
Dirty?
Yeah,
Druty.
No,
it says dirty.
Okay,
let me,
she has a voicemail box.
No, no, no,
I need to talk to her.
I said,
damn it.
That's no language
that you should talk to me.
I can get worse.
You want to hear worse?
You know the C word?
Hello?
I'll go into the toilet
and take a piss on the air
with you,
on the line with you
if you want.
Hi,
you've reached the voicemail box.
First thing I'm going to do
is free Seagull.
Go.
Dirty.
And when it's worse
Thank you for calling Incorporated.
If you know the extension of the person you would like to reach, please dial it now.
I will transfer you to an operator.
Please hold.
Good afternoon.
Yeah, listen, why did you just drop me into Dirty's voicemail?
I asked not to talk to her.
I'm sorry, I didn't answer the phone.
I don't know what you're speaking of.
Yeah, I was talking to some other lady there, and I said that I was returning a call from Dirty,
and she just threw me into her voicemail without saying anything, and I think that's rude.
Okay.
We don't have anyone here that works by the name of Dirty, though.
It says here D-H-R-U-T-I, Dirty.
Okay, and that's Druty is how you pronounce that.
No, no, no.
It says Dirty here.
Okay.
D-H-R-U-T-I, Dirty.
I understand.
Okay, you say it how you'd like to.
I know that I call her Druty all the time.
Yeah, well, don't be ignorant, all right?
Now I'm ignorant?
Why am I ignorant?
Because I'm calling someone by their name that they asked me to call them?
You're throwing me attitude.
I'm reading it here in black and white.
Dirty.
Okay, you're reading it.
I pronounce it, and I talk to her daily, and it's not dirty.
It's Drudy.
Thank you.
No, why does she just go by Trudy or something?
Drudy does not work at the...
I don't know why she spells her name the way she does.
Well, that's pretty stupid.
Well, that's pretty stupid of her, fucking bitch.
Can I...
Oh, sir?
I could do worse.
You know the C word?
Oh, I do know it.
Yeah.
Call me that, and I'll have the police after you right away.
No, no.
Okay, I won't say it.
Well, I guess you call me that, and I can guarantee I'll have the police call that to you.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Now, I will not pass you on to someone if that's the way you're going to speak.
I won't, I won't.
What is the problem?
Well, she, I was supposed to talk, she said I had to talk to her because...
For what reason?
Because I got in trouble here at work.
I work here.
Okay, well, I can understand why.
If that's the way you speak to women, I understand why you're in trouble.
That's how I talk to a woman, I sit in front of a woman customer and a whole bunch of...
And then I can understand.
I hope you were fired for that, sir.
No, no, I wasn't.
Well, you should have been.
You don't know that.
You don't know the situation I was in.
You just told me.
You just called someone the C-word.
And I'm sorry.
If someone called me the C-word, I'd demand that they had their job gone, and that's what would happen.
I didn't say the C-word to her.
You just told me that, and I can tell you now, if they do fire you, I will testify in court that that's what you had just told me.
Listen, I didn't say...
I can tell them what you just called, and I can tell them what you just called me and some other woman here that works.
I'll have to find out who answered the phone and what you said to her.
Please, no.
I didn't say the C word to the customer.
I said the N word.
Okay.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, I used the N word really loud, and everyone heard it.
Okay, but I know what you just called me, and I know what you just told me you were going to call me.
Do you know the N word?
Now, you're my hairstylist.
Yes, I do know the N word, sir.
Okay.
Well, because I was on the second floor of the store, and I started throwing merchandise down the escalator.
I was so mad.
And I said, I see.
I used the N-word.
I said, all you fucking nerds like that, I said.
Keep coming in here, shoplifting, all you nerds.
Good for nothing, lazy nerds, I said.
Okay.
I don't think you used the word nerd, but I can't.
I'm substituting nerds for the, yeah.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
And Drudy asked you to call her?
Yeah, yeah, because she's part of the team making up the termination if I should stay or not.
Well, I'm going to tell her.
I'm going to call her right now because all I have is her voice.
I'm going to call her and tell her that you need to be fired.
No, no, no.
Come on.
You can't do that.
You can't.
You can't do that.
Why do you have to do that?
You just told me and you just called me a nasty name.
You called someone else here that you admitted to a nasty name.
You told me I was ignorant, and now you're telling me you're throwing merchandise down an escalator
and saying you nerds, you lazy effing nerds.
Oh, I didn't say nerds.
I'm going to talk to the president of this company and demand that you get fired.
No, come on.
How do you like that?
No, please don't.
No.
Please.
I can't.
Come on.
Come on.
I have children.
You know what?
So you shouldn't have, before you used that language, when you called this company
and you started saying those nasty words to these people.
I'm sorry.
I can transfer you into
Drudy's voicemail. That's all I can do
for you. What's her name? Doody?
Yeah, whatever you would like to call her
except for I hope you don't call her the C word
I will transfer you into her voicemail
that's what you have to be transferred into
and that's who you need to deal with
I will make my recommendations what I feel
should happen to you. You cannot!
No, motherfucker!
I'll transfer you into
now see you're calling me another name
I will transfer you in. Fucker
that was awesome how gullible is that lady
oh my god my sides hurt from muting myself
trying to hold it that's what makes it work just trying to hold it in
it's only entertainment indeed jay-z ignorant shit that was the name of the song ignorant shit
and I'm calling you.
She got so mad because it's a two-singer.
I thought she caught me laughing at that one.
She was too busy being angry.
Time is it.
235.
My appointment is in almost an hour.
I got to go, guys.
I got to start getting ready.
Sucks that I got to cut it off,
but at least we're ending on a good note.
All right, guys.
It was fun.
Don't listen to Dwight tonight, okay?
Dwight will be on.
And about seven and a half hours.
And hello to you.
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