Patel
22 Sep 2014 · 1 h 35 min · 9,264 words · source
Calls (20, 46 min of 1 h 35 min)
- Calling Patel for dirty message live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Calling BB Patel for medical photos live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Baloboy mistaken call live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Mr. Patel message prank live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Amrat from royal service prank live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Patel residence again mistaken call live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Patel accused of spreading rumors live 4.0 min clip ↓
- Call to Pushpa about public outburst live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Call to Pushpa again after hang-up live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Patel residence mistaken for massage service live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Calling Devi Ben about her whereabouts live 2.9 min clip ↓
- Cafe Taj Mahal takeout order live 3.6 min clip ↓
- Himalayan Kitchen order dispute live 5.0 min clip ↓
- Mickey's shopping center address help live 3.5 min clip ↓
- Papa Dom's order confusion live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Curry place order chaos live 2.9 min clip ↓
- Curry House order confusion live 1.6 min clip ↓
- David's fake hookup call live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Port of Seattle airport info ivr 2.6 min clip ↓
- Travel agency asked for Malacca live 2.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
Hey, dude, suck a bag of horse shit.
Sorry, your call could not be completed.
Error.
Code 4-8-0.
I didn't look at my final score tonight.
You won.
How'd you do, Dwight?
I mean, I was down by like six points, and I think I might have pulled it off here.
I tried to get RG3's backup to put on my bench.
Yeah, RG3's backup got 63 or 68 fucking points tonight.
Oh, no.
Sucks.
Dude, I'm not starting Tom Brady anymore.
I'm over it.
The guy on my bench three weeks in a row has gotten more fucking.
I'm over it.
I don't care what the projections say anymore.
I trust the projections, and then I get fucked because all my points are on the bench.
I'm up by 11 points, and I still have one guy that plays tomorrow.
What does your opponent have?
Nothing.
thing i mean he's he's got he's done oh he's done so you won yep we're sorry your call could not be
it's the middle of the afternoon in australia on a monday these people should oh guys i didn't
think my heart could take that seox game today that was fucking awesome game some awesome stuff
lions destroyed the packers i know i was i love that jaguar strike portals well didn't start
them they brought them in the third and it's pretty much so they're going to start them from
I just couldn't believe
Peyton Manning coming back and going
80 yards with under a minute left
then getting the two point conversion
to tie that game up
fuck that motherfucker
the guy was playing hand manning
did Sloth just go on or something before me?
no he's in the chat
I thought Clay was saying there was another show
already on today
I didn't realize
Jag TV went on like I don't know like
an hour ago 20 minutes ago and then he was like
I'm like, fuck you, I'm not doing a show, and left.
Okay.
Did you, you got that file of that show?
I got it.
I haven't opened it yet.
It's getting ready.
Well, the funny thing is, most shows archive their shit, like, right away.
Yeah.
And so, like, I've been sitting there, I'm like, why the fuck can't I download this?
And so, like, I'm sitting there, I'm like, hmm, I just took the address of the show,
that particular one, and just added .mp3, and all of a sudden, I can fucking download it.
Ah, okay.
So, I was like, okay, cool.
Oh, so I'm going to cut it up.
And it was either XYZ or fucking Nova got on there after we did and was like,
Hey, you guys want some bananas?
And they're like, What the fuck?
And started flipping out.
What the?
Who the fuck did that?
Bananas, huh?
Okay.
Want some bananas?
Hey, give it.
Motherfucker, don't get fucked up.
Give me a second.
I'm trying to check my levels.
They seem okay.
Well, no, my levels are pretty low.
Oh, shit.
When I talk, it sounds kind of low.
Oh, hang on, let me try to fix that.
I guess, no, I don't think so.
Coming up.
Yeah, it doesn't seem to boost it very much.
Shit.
It sounds pretty good on Skype, but...
It sounds good on Skype?
Well, I mean, let's see what the chatroom comments say about that.
How do I sound?
Chatroom.
Please.
I don't want to open Mixer Chat at the moment, because it's going to play audio back at me.
Okay, Clay says to sound good.
Clay says to sound good?
All right, fine.
Yep.
Never mind.
Maybe I'm just imagining stuff with the levels.
And Sloth agrees with you.
Okay, they wouldn't lie.
With the clay.
They wouldn't lie, they're honest people.
Alright, back to Sydney.
Is it a holiday in Australia that I don't know of?
I don't know.
National Kangaroo Day?
They take siestas there.
That's bad.
What were you trying to call?
Sydney, Australia.
Okay, I mean it's probably about, what, 3pm?
3pm right now?
Yeah, 3.18.
They're trying two black sheep.
You know all the Indian restaurants will be closed.
Oh yeah, because they close for a long time.
That's when they choke.
oh hey you're there hi hi is it a holiday in australia is it a holiday today what
does she not hear me
see i reset my settings a little bit on accident i did something to my sound card
i was trying to get surround sound for football uh when i was watching it i moved to the 5.1
and i forgot the reason i stopped doing listening in 5.1 on my speakers here is because
it screws up every single setting i totally forgot i was like i don't want football on
so i gotta think where do i go for this she couldn't hear me so i need to go into the
dialing machine in the court and to those preferences video input is that's right
that's the right one i don't understand big baby jazz jazz i swear to god who am i gonna call
Oh, Dwight, who am I going to call?
I'm firing a bunch of numbers into the chat.
You could have called me one of the wankers.
The best.
Kate got so mad at Dirty Aaron last night.
Yeah, well, he was talking shit about my numbers.
He's like, dude, there are hotels in New York.
I'm like, dude, fucking hotels don't have a time limit.
You know, I sent him 50 numbers, and like 36 of them were L.A. or Hawaii.
He's like, I'm out of numbers.
I'm like, you're a fucking moron.
hey man i'm just sorry the old boy uh i mean i'm just happy i'm happy he went on i was just
reading more info on the death of eric the midget aka eric the actor from the howard stone show
yesterday oh yeah that's right yeah he died that's where i'm sorry came from no i'm just
happy aaron went on yeah he struggled at first a little bit he said i was on the whole time but
he felt he struggled i didn't think so that maybe a little bit but i wasn't able to hear it all to
the kitchen on the shoulder. Well, I kept trying to tell him
what was wrong with the audience. He's like, fuck you
motherfuckers. Well, I reminded
him, hey, hooker turds. He's like, alright.
And he did a really good hooker turd call.
I helped out. Very nice.
I'm the master prank. I'll be right back. I'm going to grab
an alcoholic beverage.
Ooh, fuck yeah.
Shock top.
How about that shock top, Adoy?
You like that shock top?
You know what I found out
when I went to the store earlier that
apparently
apparently uh steer reserve 211 now does fruit punch oh really god you could chew that beer dude
that's what i used to drink on my lunch breaks when i was living in orlando still at work i
would down two of those tall ones and be fucking lit for the rest of the day at work yeah i had
a problem i've talked about this on the air before i had a brief thing with drinking yeah
yeah i was drinking every morning before like eight o'clock in the morning driving to work
and I was drinking beers out of big gold cups
that I had left in my car the night before.
Then I would do it on my lunch break.
I would drive to 7-Eleven, buy a beer,
and I had just enough time to drink two of them
by the time I got back to work.
Yeah, that's a problem, right?
Hi, it's a work.
But seriously, I don't even care for drinking.
I don't know why.
It was like a brief thing.
I was blessed, I think, that I didn't really get into alcoholism
really bad or anything.
At one point, I was like,
dude, what the fuck am I doing, man?
I'm like, I'm drinking beer, Seth.
I have an old big old cup in my car, you know, and it's barely past daybreak.
This has to stop.
You know, when I do it, it's usually right before I do shows or something.
I won't touch it before like 11.
So it's like strictly a fucking night thing.
Okay.
That's good.
I'm not saying you're an alcoholic.
I'm not saying anything.
I put chia seeds.
You ever had those motherfuckers?
I put them on a salad.
That's some good shit.
dude you put these chia seeds right on the fucking salad and they make it crunch it doesn't even feel
like you're eating salad anymore i mean it feels like you're eating something unhealthy it feels
fucking good to just crunch into that motherfucking salad you need to try this shit you will you will
lose weight sit there and eat and pretend you're eating some fucking chinese noodles or something
that's some crunchy chinese food or something oh man some rotten pussy
No.
Why is it so crunchy?
Why is it so crunchy?
Our call is what we're here for.
We got one pickup who said they didn't hear me.
We're still trying to make sure.
I can call my cell phone.
Hang on.
Let me call my cell phone.
Motherfuckers.
I'm going to shut your dirty mouth, Sloth.
That's how you get your shows.
With the beers.
Without the beers, I'm not funny.
There's no funny ha-ha.
I don't.
Mmm.
Boo.
I'm talking in the phone now.
I'm having sex.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
but i'm talking into the microphone something's amiss with the phone shit what the hell's going
on something up again so that's my input touch it touch it all the time you're singing to the jazz
i am this one's called touch it all the time
the next word would be called
i just caught the fucking ass end of that show i was just downloading it you hear the guy
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You know what this is?
I think this is Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby.
Don't get yourself fucked up, old boy.
Oh, my God.
The funniest thing was Master George.
He said, this is Master George.
And I need all the field Negroes.
He said all the field Negroes to come to the field and rub my penis right now.
What was really funny is the host was like, everybody over here, shut up, shut up, shut up.
He's trying to talk.
He's like, this is Master George.
Coach, I need all the field heroes to report to the field.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Then you start going on to, like, it's an inside job,
and this never fucking happens.
I guarantee it'll happen a lot more often now.
Yeah.
Look, I got a problem.
I got to figure out why this damn thing ain't working right.
Got a serious problem on my hands here.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I input the default device.
That ain't gonna work.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I'll try that and see if it's working.
and i can see this fucking computer's on its way out the door it's been a good one this fucking
computer's been running solid since like 2002 but now it's getting to where it won't it won't
even keep time correctly so you know it's about to fucking die i just had an ah moment i have a
backup system hang on this should still work for the time being it's running fucking six minutes
ahead of time this fucking piece of shit six minutes that's impossible i just synchronized
earlier and uh yeah oh you're like a time agent how about this song i just want to jerk your cock
off how about it bad he was ending at a beer they go to the store like you do he's in a really
intricate drink he's making a long island iced tea or something he's like let's see he's got the
recipe on the papers let's see let's see what's in that motherfucker vodka rum what's that in a
long island iced tea vodka oh i have no idea it's like the four well drinks i think right
So you're just beer, 100%
Back in the day
I used to do liquor
I used to do whiskey
And I would do
I would do a shot by shot
And chase it with Mountain Dew
And on a very good night
I could take out a fifth
But the next morning you're just like, oh fuck
Have you seen these pics of Matt
In Amsterdam? He's having a good old time
Yeah, I think he's looking at some of them
Here's a Long Island iced tea
Vodka, gin, tequila, and rum
Is that what you're drinking?
No, no, I was just reading what's in a Long Island ice
Uh, sounds like you were taking a long time
To make what you're drinking
So I was like, you must be shaking the botany
I did something else too
I thought it was Baz in the kitchen
But it wasn't the drink
Baz has got one of those shakers in there
Actually, I got one of those
One of those drink shakers
For free
I think it was through
one of the cigarette companies.
They were like, oh yeah,
go online for your free prize
or whatever, and it was one of those fucking drink
shakers.
I was actually making my dry martini
shake and not smoke.
I was like, I don't need it, but if it's free, I'll fucking
take it. Yeah, and Ken steals all
this stuff already from Applebee's.
Yeah, he figures
it's yours if they leave it here.
I think one of them sent me, they're like, hey,
get a free, it was a whetstone
for knife sharpening i was like what do you want me to fucking kill somebody for steaks dude real
man has a whetstone for a stick can i cannot can i that song was dope all right you sent numbers
right let me get that yeah there's one guy in there his last name's smirnov we've already
called him on another conference like 10-15 minutes ago and accused him of sticking his
penis out of the door and he uh i kept asking him like uh excuse me sir what is your uh wife's
breast size for the report he's like oh this is this is very personal i'm like okay sir i'm not
making up these questions i'm just filling out the paper i need her breast size and your approximate
penis size and i was asking him saying are they are they big floppers are they like firm tennis
balls are they like mosquito bites he's in 209 so that'll make it even easier i remember where
he's at i was gonna call and send him some toilet paper and fucking tampons or something next
sent you a bunch of uh basically the numbers i was sending dirty aaron last night they didn't
use all the private uh indian ones indian restaurants let's see if the backup systems
work and shit but i'm a fucker freemason hello ashok is this ashok coming oh this is patel
no i'm his guest he's not here he's in the party where oh you're his guest yeah are you his are
Are you the lady boy?
No, I'm the man.
No, you're a lady boy, right?
You wear lipstick for him?
You're the guy that wears the lipstick for him that he was telling me?
Who's the bitch?
No.
He said that he had a guest over that wears lipstick for him and kisses him.
Sir, what we're accusing you of tonight is sucking dick with lipstick.
It's a very grievous offense.
Grievous.
Grievous?
Mm-hmm.
He even got the fucking moon music on.
He's a fucking sexual degenerate.
It's heinous.
Hey, boy.
How are you?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey.
Boo, boo, boo, boo.
Boo, boo, boo, boo.
Sir?
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Yeah.
Can you take a message from us?
Can you take a message from Patel?
What?
The message is boo, boo, boo, boo.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
And then Baz has something to add.
Yeah.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Excuse me, sir.
Did you know it's unlawful to suck more than two dicks at once without the proper licensing?
And then...
Fucking banchoed.
You banchoed motherfucker.
Yeah, you make the Betty Chode in the ass.
And then you piss.
What the fuck is he listening to?
What is that, Kenny Loggins or something?
The Indian Kenny Loggins.
Fucking Chuck Mangione?
Do you like chia seeds?
Hey, monkey.
Monkey.
Monkey.
Oh, there's two men there.
Somebody's getting their dicks sucked.
there he goes
we got another patel
there are a lot of patels
every hospital i've been in has a doctor named patel
when i was looking up numbers for dirty air and i was like what are the
it was like top 100 indian names so i started searching through the dashy tool
yeah there's a lot of patels in the world
you can always say your name is patel and they're like okay
yeah this is patel
how do you pronounce that
hello is there is patel there i need to talk i need to speak with bb patel is bb there hello
hello bb there he is how bb how are you it's him all right okay good yeah yeah um we have
We wanted to see if you could take some pictures with us, Mr. Patel, of your private parts.
Yes, sir.
We want to show a typical Asian penis from your region.
It's a medical journal.
Medical journal.
Yeah.
For what?
You have a wrong number.
Yeah.
My name is...
No, no.
We need an Indian penis.
My name is Gobi.
Sir, we need a madarchod like you.
i forgot the same water check see if they pick up
she went and got him we need to talk we need to speak with baby put baby back on the phone
mr patel no right number correct number
wrong number no no
You just started throwing it up on the phone.
It's the last time.
Last calling time.
It's Baloboy.
Baloboy.
Hello.
That fucking answer machine was coming on to me.
Hello.
Okay, nice little message there from Mr. Boo Boo.
Yeah.
He's had enough.
The first names are just fucked up.
What is this, Kemlish?
Uh, Sherwall?
Sneehaw, Sneehaw.
The one after Bigby.
After Bogobon.
Hello.
Hello, Patel.
Patel.
Mr. Patel.
Who are you speaking?
This is Don.
What Don?
My name is Don.
Who are you, buddy?
Where are you calling?
Yes, I have a message for you.
What?
The message is you are banjod.
Huh?
The message is you are banjod.
That is the message.
Can you hang up?
Marjod.
Yeah, I thought I heard a click.
Yeah, he's like, what?
what who is it answer the phone patel you motherfucker hello yes we need to speak with
patel who are you it's important my name is don listen take a message that he is a
a Bhenchod. Bhenchod?
It's a Gandu. Gandu
Bhenchod. Matochod.
Do you understand? Hello, ma'am.
To me, you're fucking a whore.
Hello.
Nothing going on
over there.
Here's Amrat.
Amrat.
Oswald.
Oswald.
Hi. Amrat. Is this Miss Amrat? Yes, Amrat. How are you?
Yeah, this is David Knossel. I'm calling from the service.
We seem to have some issues, and we need to have them cleared up immediately.
Hello. Yes, that's regarding the odors and the noises.
What noises?
Yeah, there's like a lot of groaning and moaning noises coming from your place.
We're getting various reports over the machine and the wires.
because we're from the royal service so we we monitor these things from you you people
you people you kind of people yep dirty people you're on our radar missy you're dirty this is
this is my associate mr cross you just need to all you need to know about him is his name is
mr cross you have dogs live in your house that's all you get to know you have dogs live in your
your house special time agent cross she takes many penis and ass i killed her she probably
eats the dogs hey what's up neon yeah she got a little too freaked out i love the jazz music
and looking at neon's picture there it's almost like she's a classy broad suck a dick to jazz
music don't you dare don't you dare about gwen stefani oh yeah that's better recognize son
I thought it was Marilyn Monroe.
That's not Marilyn Monroe.
You mean Madonna.
Happy birthday, Mr. President.
It's Madonna.
You're a big fan of Madonna, eh?
Of course.
Yep.
The fuck?
Yep.
Maybe I should just change the picture since you guys can't get it right.
Oh, she's going to go to the champagne shower.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, no, not.
You know, I'll just surprise you.
Oh, fuck.
George is rubbing his cock for neon again.
Ew.
Oh, fuck.
Can I talk to the next motherfucker?
i was thinking everyone okay naratambai what is this naratambai okay the fuck is this where's
that and where'd these come from were these just facebook uh the patels yeah oh no there i just
looked them up dashie's super look tool i just put in the last name of the city i wanted to look
him cool hey yeah patel yeah is this the patel residence who are you yeah my name is uh my name
His name's Fred. How you doing tonight?
I'm calling him here.
I'm calling. Is the man of the house in?
Who?
Is there a man there?
No, no, no. This is my private roommate.
Okay, well, I'll talk to you then. Are you okay, sweetie? I'm concerned about you.
I can't understand it.
Are you okay?
I'm okay, yeah.
I would like to come over and insert my penis into your vagina.
I'm sorry, this is the wrong number.
No, no, I have right number.
Are you a
moder-trode? Is there a
moder-trode available?
Are you sure you're not?
No, no, no.
I need a wrong number.
How about some gandu sauce?
You have pretty hair,
pretty face.
I will masturbate in your face.
Oh, my God.
Hello.
I don't want to, but Neon was
making me because of her picture.
I must masturbate in your face.
I don't want to, but Neon is making me because of her picture.
I must masturbate in your face.
I don't want to, but Neon is making me because of her picture.
I must masturbate in your face.
I don't want to, but Neon is making me because of her picture.
I must...
What the fuck is with the echo?
That was me.
My God, I thought it was high.
My picture, what's wrong with the picture?
Sporty Spice.
It's Gwen Stefani!
That's Baby Spice.
She was the blonde.
Okay.
i'm gonna leave i'm gonna leave scary spice is the one that eddie murphy
fucked and impregnated didn't refuse to admit to admit to it
what an asshole why would he do that what a dickhead
the guy's so funny he's so crazy man his brother was funnier though
his brother is a funny guy yeah charlotte charlotte murphy
he's a good writer he's written a lot of shit people don't know about
out that he used to love him on chicago show charlotte buffet he wrote norbit harvey was
tripping i thought he loved another mixler tab with that echo actually that's what i did i opened
up a mixer tab all right well these are doing way better than me just picking out of a map
in australia where apparently the bitch on the moon like
and what's touching it now what's wrong with it it's me and the moon what are you talking about
I'm not in town, so please come rob my fucking ass, and I'll be back later, okay?
What an idiot for leaving. I thought those guys were supposed to be smart.
That's like the number one thing they'll do.
Hey, okay, I'm going on a business trip for about two weeks, and I'll be back.
And leave me a message, and I'll call you back.
Couldn't he watch Home Alone?
Leave a message?
Yeah, sir, I was calling to offer you some AT&T, but instead, since I have your address,
i'm gonna come rob your fucking ass i'll see you in two weeks all right next one who did i do three
six eight one okay saddish satish satish sounds just something something useful which ones are
these uh these are patels satish patel okay dwight found them pretty much other luckily yellow page
director pushpa is there any btr shit going on like pp oh no one is available it's got a good
brain named lizard drain the old liz hey isn't that uh debbie harry from blondie funny lady
that's not lady oh cute just got back but like neon's like picture looks like she wants me to
rape her huh yeah she's asking for it look at her everything says it in the eyes you know
yeah she's like me me without my permission oh my god
i've been taking classes with george come on george is gonna be sterilized if we have to call
it george threatened a raper oh my god it's either call him the edward or threatened a
raper that's george saying that wait i think you're just saying that because george was watching you
pee he was he tried to touch it i was taking a piss and he started like drinking my pee i'm like
Now, George, no, that's not a drinking fountain, motherfucker.
Drinking your pee.
Oh, God.
It's not a bidet.
Home run.
Yeah, Patel.
Hey, how do you stay there, you stupid prick?
Mr. Patel?
Yes, talk to Mr. McClanahan.
Yeah, what's your problem, Patel?
I've been getting all kinds of phone calls about you, buddy.
Yeah, Patel?
Yeah, what's up?
You stupid bastard.
Yeah, I'm getting phone calls saying that you've been running around talking about you can kick my ass.
I don't have time for these things.
You know, and they were saying you were calling me a monotrode and a banchode and shit like that.
What the fuck?
I never even called you.
Yeah, you said I was gandu.
You have the wrong number, man.
No, no, I got the right number, motherfucker.
You know what?
You were not the blood of your father.
Calling him back.
You can just throw your shoe at him.
Huh?
Throw a shoe at me?
Please leave a message after the call.
I'm going to slap you across the mouth with my shoe.
i had to mute baz because we're gonna find you what was that last night was that last
stop oh my god i don't even remember i think it was right i don't remember either i think it was
yesterday you were telling that lady you're like we're gonna find you hang up we're gonna call
back and find you beyond creepy that's why it's funny yeah okay that's all we have okay the letter
letter K. K as in Robert. K as in cunt. There's another Pushpa in there.
Into the phone, dick lips. Same Pushpa? Did you double paste?
Let me see. I don't know if you're enough. There's a different number. Okay.
We got to get a Pushpa here. It's a great name. Is that Pushpa?
Yes. Name who's calling? Oh, hi. My name is Don.
Hello? Yeah, my name is Don Arul Kamaran.
Arul Kamaran. Who?
My name is Don Arul Kamaran. And why are you calling?
Because we have a complaint against you.
What kind of complaint?
That you were doing a bad thing in public,
and people said that this is how Indians are in the world.
These are bad Indians.
What is that?
And it's going to affect us now.
What is that?
Here, you talk to my husband.
You went to the coffee place, to the Starbucks,
and you were like, shit, mother damn it.
Like that, yelling at me.
Oh, my God.
Bitch, you don't give a fuck.
You didn't even close your motherfucking mouth.
Hello?
Hello, Pushpa?
Pushpa?
Pushpa?
Trying to hang up.
Pushpa, no.
There he goes.
You ruined it, Dwight.
What were we doing?
They were about to kill me.
I'm sorry.
Way to go, Dwight.
It was way too loud.
It scared the shit out of me.
We're still trying to figure out his phone.
I'm probably calling the police right now.
The bullies.
They're bullies.
remember they always say i'm calling my bullies hello hello pushpa don't be afraid no redial no
redial main don't be frightened baby main department hello how can i help you hello
sir how can i help you he really is doing a fucking morse code on the phone it's like
picking up and yeah it's like the show that slob and ice goos did once to australia and they called
the chinese restaurant in australia you remember that i don't know if you ever heard that um no
for some reason they couldn't hang up on them they would keep doing that and they did it for
like three minutes straight just got funnier and funnier because they would come back sometimes
and say will you please just hang up like shit like that you know and they ended up figuring
out they had to unplug the cord from the walls but they ended up having to do yeah and then
they called him again and it was like another
brief period where
it was like a back and forth like that.
Oh man, that was a good time.
Yeah, we get that in the UK
sometimes.
They don't clear, then they'll pick up.
Alright.
Makes the old ladies really scared.
Alright, so that was Pushpa again.
Eh, why not? Let's try him again.
Gave him a little chance.
Who the fuck is Ice Goose, that motherfucker?
Right? He sold out.
He got a girlfriend.
friend lol okay they figured it out there ashish i love the ashish ashish that means that's that
means like hashish i bet you yeah ask him if he makes the hashish s as in sam i bet you the name
is sam calling sam sam no s it's my guess that it's sam sam the donut man jazzy bop yeah it is
just played this yesterday so my he she my hash my hash i'm not here oh who's this mrs
is my hash here i can give you my number uh okay what's number three one zero uh-huh okay just
leave me no three one zero what is it damn it he's not here then give me the number motherfucker
come on damn it how are they working on now yeah i was curious i don't know we're making a movie
I think they're doing something illicit.
Damn her.
Dying.
Yeah, Patel?
Oh, I'm putting Mr. Baz on the line.
Mr. Snodswell, go ahead.
Yes, Mr. Patel, how are you?
Is this the Patel residence?
Yes, but he's not here, sir.
Yes, who am I speaking with?
This is David Snodswell.
Yeah, but he's not here.
Patel, he's not here.
Yeah, well, he hired me to come over
and give his old lady a good working over.
So I'm coming over.
Is that you I'm supposed to service you?
Yeah, but I'm guest.
David guest.
This is not my house.
Oh, but that doesn't matter.
Are you the one I'm supposed to come over and give the massage to?
No, but you talk to Mr. Patel.
He's not here, sir.
Yeah, but I'm going to come over and I'll rub your ass.
Yeah, but you talk too.
I can't say anything, sir.
Oh, you'd like that?
Yeah, that sounds pretty good.
Okay.
And then we'll smoke some hashish together.
What do you say?
What are you doing?
Hello?
Are you there?
Whatever.
Are you there, tits?
She's moving stuff around still.
I heard her.
She put the phone up to her ass.
She did.
I'm going to add the phone up here.
She's all massaging it right now.
Yeah.
She's massaging.
She's massaging the phone.
Oh, gross.
Devu Ben.
Devi Ben.
Devi Ben.
I saw a lot of these guys' real names, and it's like 35 characters long.
Oh, some of them, man.
I'm not kidding you.
And then they say, oh, just call me GT.
Hello?
Yeah, hi.
Is this that, is that Devi Ban Patel?
Who's speaking?
Oh, my name is Don.
What for you calling?
Uh, business.
Man business.
This is night time.
I know I'm sleeping, okay?
It's important to put him on, motherfucker.
You motherfucker.
You fucker.
Asshole.
Hey.
Did that old Indian lady just curse you out?
Yeah.
You motherfucker.
You motherfucker.
That was funny.
it was very good it's kind of all of a sudden she answers hello hello yeah hi i need to speak
to devi ben uh she's not here right now oh this is her your voice matches up on the computer
it's you pardon the voice matches her it's her computer you're her i'm not her put her on she's
not here but the computer has a sense of smell the phone that we're using can smell what's going on
It's mutated with a dog
Order confirmation complete
Cozy smell confirmed
It smells the
Deveven is there
Well she's not here right now
You could try back tomorrow
Well where is she? Is she working?
No she's out of town
Oh where?
I don't know
Is it on the east coast or west coast?
I don't know you could call tomorrow and find out
Oh okay does she still have
Big natural breasts?
breasts pardon does she does she still have big natural breasts succulent i'm starting to freak
them out so i'm gonna stop you should have asked if they were simple yeah milky white natural
ashokushmar
give up on that that sucks because it's a funky name an easy one chandra how many of these
patel so did you give me uh okay uh quite a few but then i moved on to uh some indian restaurants
and stuff like that yeah move away from thank you for calling to get your loan instantly approved
and receive your all right that ain't a patel let's uh call some bonchugs yeah let's do that
some food so you can save the rest of those if you well i mean you can get them later anyway
Maharani. Honolulu.
Cafe Taj Mahal.
Yeah, hey, I'd like to make an order
for takeout. Yeah, for you.
Yeah, do you have that chicken
tikka masala? Yeah, I'd like one
order of that. And then I'd like
some of your
papadums. Two?
Yeah, two. Two papadums.
Pay attention. You
need to pay attention when i'm making my order and i'd like the uh the ban
showed too one order of ban showed sure did you want a big one or a small one yeah i want the
big big ass okay no problem sir i want to spread the chutney all over her hey uh he said that um
why don't you uh get your mom he said i don't know if you're yeah yeah bring it the mom bring
Bring the mom in front right now.
You have the old, like an old toothless hag in the back there.
Pocket prank calls.
Weak, dude.
Yes, yes, yes.
You can even fake an Indian accent or something.
Come on, dude.
I'm not even trying.
Stupid prick.
Put some balls into it with your back.
Are you even Indian?
No, yeah, I'm Indian.
I don't think he's even an Indian.
I was born in Bangladesh, but I moved to Oahu when I was like three years old.
You're pretty effeminate.
You're pretty effeminate.
Americanized.
You're pretty effeminate, huh?
Pretty effeminate.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
How's that work out with your family and being effeminate?
They're pretty accepting.
They're very liberal.
Yeah.
Oh, they're those kind of Indians.
What does that mean, Katie?
Sell out Uncle Tom Indians.
I guess you could call it that, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
House Indians.
Hey, dude, suck a bag of horse shit.
Thanks.
Faggot.
Asshole.
Hey, suck a shit.
Wow, he said faggot.
Losers.
And he lives in Hawaii.
he lives in hawaii that's a very that's what he learned in india
so bad he he owned me he said might sucked but i said he said he agreed he's effeminate
yeah it's a win-win yeah indian yeah i'd like to make an order yes of course okay
A saucy wench.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, tell me.
One papadums.
Okay.
Okay, one pilau rice.
Sorry, one rice?
Yeah.
Okay, just rice.
Uh-huh, one garlic naan.
Okay.
Okay.
One banchot.
One?
Banchot.
Banchot?
Uh-huh.
Sorry, we don't have banchot.
Oh, is there a sister there?
Your sister?
Sorry, give me just a second.
Please, I'll pass you another server, okay?
Oh, thank you.
What's happening?
That's what we were waiting for.
Thank you for holding.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Hello?
Yes, sir.
Is there some kind of problem?
Thank you for holding.
How may I help you?
Yeah, I'm making an order.
Okay, what can I get for you, sir?
Okay.
One pilau rice.
We have the basmati rice, sir.
Okay, that's fine.
Okay.
All right.
One papadum.
Shit rice.
Jeez.
Oops, sorry.
Sorry.
Way to go, Baz.
No.
Himalayan Kitchen.
suck a bag of shit thank you for calling himalayan kitchen how may i help you yeah suck a bag of shit
i'd like to make an order please yeah okay go ahead all right one pilau rice what kind pilau
do you have pilau pilau uh-huh we don't have that you have basamati basamati yes okay fine
give me that then asshole okay one papadum
give me that motherfucker slow hang up let me make an order motherfucker it's the same place
go ahead hey malay in kitchen how may i help you how you doing can i make an order for uh
takeaway please yes you can all right you got the uh chicken tikka masala okay let me get one
order of that let me get uh an order like two orders of papa dom's okay you got the uh you
You got garlic naan?
Yes, I do.
Yeah, let me get one of those.
Now, does the gandu sauce come on that shit or what?
The house chutney comes with the papadum.
Yeah, well, I want an extra side of gandu sauce.
Gandu sauce?
Yeah.
We don't have, we have a house chutney or tomato chutney.
What, do you have the, do you have like a moderate special?
No.
No, well, let me talk to the chef.
Maybe he knows what I'm talking about because I don't think you know what you're talking about, sweetie.
All right, bitch.
I'm getting mad on the phone.
You fucking whore.
My penis and two testicles.
Hello?
How you doing?
I'm trying to make an order, and the lady doesn't know what I'm talking about.
Can you read back my order to me?
This one?
Yeah.
So, right now, I just have chicken tikka masala, two papadum,
that's four lentil wafers total, and one garlic naan.
Yeah, what's the garlic naan?
I wanted a side cup of gandu sauce.
I don't think we have that.
What is that?
Gandu sauce.
There you do.
Hey, do you have, like, the madarchod?
Is that on special tonight?
What was that?
Madarchod.
Do.
Or Betty chode, either one.
No, we don't have that.
You don't have the motherfucker or the sister fucker on special?
No, what is that?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, yeah, madarchod and Betty chode.
That's mother and sister fucker.
We put a penny on her.
And then we looked it up.
and you're a nigger
who did that
maybe you should just come in and order
I want to look at you
and touch you
if I have to come in and order
I'm going to take a shit right there in your mouth
thank you for calling Himalayan Kitchen
how may I help you
I want to smell them down there
can you put the man back on we were trying to make an order
and we got cut off
um i'm sorry sir you you if you we don't have the sauces that you're asking for
if you want to come down and yes yes uh can we come down and we'll we'll sniff the sauces
do whatever you like thank you no no no wait wait wait wait don't hang up
this kid can't talk too loud oh they do the old fax trick little india waikiki sorry but the person
Why did you want to try to set that, Ken?
I don't know.
We had to go pee again.
Curry House.
Yum.
Curry House Coco.
Makari Kei House, Matthew.
Yeah, is this Curry House Coco?
Yes, this is Coco Curry House in Makari Shopping Center.
Kaka Coco.
I'm sorry?
And what's your address?
You're on Kaupo Kakaliki.
What is it?
This is the shopping center.
In Kaliku?
Makari Shopping Center.
Mahalo?
Macaulay Shopping Center. Macaulay? Macaulay is in Macaulay Shopping Center. M-A-K-E-B-7. How is it? M-C-C-U-L-L-Y. Macaulay. Macaulay. Macaulay. Macaulay. Macaulay. Okay. Alright. And what's the address? Macaulay Shopping Center. What's the address? Street address, please. God damn it.
Um, M-C-C-U-L-L-Y
That's the shopping center
I need the goddamn motherfucking address
A number and a name
Sorry, wait
Mickey, call me
Stupid
Yeah, you stupid shit
I don't have GPS
Hello, may I help you?
Yeah, I have to use MapFest
Hey, stupid bitch
Okay
I need the address
Okay, so, um, the address is
1960
Uh-huh
Kapiolani
Kapiolani
Kapiolani
k k a k e k a seven sorry seven k a p i o l a m i yeah where's the where's the seven go
um so 1960 you mean oh 1967 seven no no seven no seven nine one nine yeah one nine and it's
so it's one zero zero zero zero zero zero no nine i'm sorry it's nine zero zero zero zero zero
you said one nine and then six zeros yeah so that's nine zero zero zero so nine million
and that's what's the street how many you don't know how many millions uh-huh no the street name
Yeah, the street name is Kapiolani.
So I can spell.
You can't? Oh, damn. Well, if you can't spell, then I don't know.
Yeah, so...
What are we gonna do?
So, um, K-A.
K-E? K-A.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
K-A.
P-I.
P-I.
O-L-A.
O-L-A.
N-I.
M-I.
N-I, yeah. N.
So Kapiolani.
capiolani capolojo capolojo okay nine million capolojo all right and can i make an order you
want to take out order or yeah okay yeah all right uh i'd like one papa dom's one moment
we're on the line with them still hello what do you need yeah one order yes yeah cooked what
what's your order one order cooked for what i need you to cook it jumbo vegetable cookout
Yeah.
Mayo or spicy?
With heat.
Mayo or spicy?
Heat.
Spicy?
Heat, heat, heat.
We don't have heat.
Jumbo vegetable curry is spicy, right?
Heat.
Mayo or spicy?
Heat, heat.
I mean, heat on.
No more.
The fire.
Sorry about that.
No, you're not.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
I'm the cat.
Meow.
Kitty, whatever.
We lost Ken.
I lost all three of you.
I was scared.
Those are my only ride home
Now that I have to call my mom
She'll be like, why wasn't I in school
India Cafe
Did you have something to say, my friend?
Uh, no
Want me to order some food?
I'd like an order
It's almost time to call
That Indian restaurant
In Australia
The lady got really mad last night
Here's a place just called Curry
Yes, hey, is this Curry?
Curry Machine?
Sorry?
Yes, it's the curry place.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, the stupid fucking curry.
I want to order some.
Okay.
What's wrong?
Yeah, can you take my order?
Okay.
Yeah, are you ready?
Do you have a pencil or a writing utensil in your hand?
Yeah.
Yes, okay.
Yeah, I would like the chicken tikka masala.
Chicken.
Yeah, the tikka masala.
I'm sorry, can I come again?
You know, the chicken tikka masala, the fucking chicken with the sauce on it.
No, we don't have that.
I'm sorry.
Well, what do you have?
What kind of stupid chicken do you have?
You only have Indian chicken, Thai chicken.
Yeah, one Indian chicken.
One Indian chicken.
Okay.
Yeah.
And do you have any of the stupid bread?
No.
Sorry, we don't have that.
What kind of bread?
You have made bread.
What bread do you have?
Tell me now.
We only have white rice, brown rice, sticky rice, and rice noodles.
Yeah, I want the white rice.
White rice.
Give me white rice.
White rice, okay.
Yeah, I want five.
And how much do you like your spicy level?
Five bins of white rice.
What's that?
You want your curry hot, medium?
Yeah, I want it very hot.
Very hot.
Okay.
And then, what kind of food is this, anyway?
What are you?
Who are you?
Only curry.
Yeah, is this Indian curry or Thai curry?
You ordered the Indian chicken curry.
Yeah, so I want, you have the bhenchod?
I want the bhenchod.
No, sorry, we don't have.
Yeah, you do, you know, the sister.
You bring your sister in front of me, and then my goat is going to lick her down there.
He's going to lick your little sweet pie.
Hello?
Hello?
Yes, I want the food orders immediately.
Okay, I'm putting in your order right now.
Yeah, can you put a man on the phone?
Put it up your ass.
Yeah, can you put the paper, and you wrinkle it up, and then you put it in your ass.
Roll it up tight, and wrinkle it up, and then you put it up your asshole.
when you go you tell the chef you say chef i have order it's in my ass that's how you do it
you're like look at my ass come get it out of my ass put on your gloves and get it
spend over and grab your ankles yeah she's like make me cough
yeah this call is getting so fucking weird hello lady yeah she was still connected i don't know
i don't know what that was about
mentioned the fact that there's like sheep goats in the background it's all the same for her you
know yeah just like loud on you and can you hear it okay could you hear it yeah i gotta update i
keep thinking of other background sound effects to get other than yeah i i just been lazy i
should have come up with a whole bunch this is a bunch of pigs
so it can't run.
Hi, Curry House.
Can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
Hello?
Hi.
Can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
We were supposed to make an order.
Takeout?
Sure.
What can I get for you?
One cocoa?
Yep.
See?
One cocoa?
Yeah, I need one cocoa.
Yeah.
I don't understand.
What did you want, sir?
Isn't this Curry House cocoa?
Yes, it is.
Yes, I want one cocoa.
No, we have chicken katsu.
Did you want something in mine?
Yeah, okay.
And one papadums?
Excuse me?
This isn't Japanese curry, yeah?
Japanese curry?
I don't have any naan bread, yeah.
Japanese curry?
No, this is Japanese curry.
You said Japanese curry.
Oh, that's disgusting curry.
You said Japanese curry.
Oh, Japanese curry, yeah.
What?
Hello?
Can I help you?
This is disgusting people food.
Sorry, I'm really busy right now.
This is disgusting.
You get it?
Japanese curry.
i guess we're in the hospital again india cafe we're in the animal hospital right
operating on a horse or a dog you're calling an animal hospital i'm just saying the sound
effect i've used for that yeah that's all it always calls him the doctor remember the sex
exchange one that
me and you got the doctor
to come all the way from
the examination room
for me to say that her
assistant was having a sex change.
What the smell was that
was down there.
That was hilarious.
I remember getting
a doctor's page to consult about a
sick woman.
What the hell?
Son of a bitch, stupid piece of shit.
Sounded like an old Atari game.
I thought you were farting.
No, it sounded like I was playing Tank Wars or something like that.
A game that will be called that.
Baz, what was the one?
Combat, that's the one.
It was like I was playing Combat.
There's an old tank game I used to play called Battlezone.
Yeah, Battlezone, I remember that.
It was way back in the day.
It's just polygons.
That was the raster graphics one, right?
Hello?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hello, how are you doing there, sir?
Hey, how's it going?
This is David.
Yeah, it's going good.
This is David.
We seem to be trying to confirm our hookup for tonight.
We're closed for the night.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
I was going to come in, and you were going to show me the ways of being men in the back room.
Remember?
Could you say it one more time, please?
Yeah.
I was going to meet up with you, and I was going to knock on the back door.
Remember?
You were going to answer the door, and we're going to go into back behind where they wash the dishes.
and I'm going to show you mine
and you're going to show me yours.
No, I'm not too sure about that.
Yeah, that's not what you said last night.
I don't even know who the fuck this is.
If this is some kind of sick joke...
This is David Sonswell.
You're stupid.
You're stupid.
The cats are going to...
I was dying at the cats.
I'm going to do that whole thing, just meowing.
You're some kind of crazy cat lady
calling from your house
with like 30 cats.
Man, 30 cats in your living room with you.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to call back.
All right, I'll find the next one.
David Nugent.
David's staying at a hotel.
Wow.
Thank you for calling the Aviation Division of the Port of Seattle,
located at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.
For online information about the airport or the Port of Seattle,
Please visit our website at www.portseattle.org.
Thank you for calling the Aviation Division of the Port of Seattle at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.
The airport is open and flights are operating, though we encourage you to call your airline directly with any specific questions.
Please try again.
For airport services, press 1.
For a complete listing of airlines servicing the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, press 2.
for information about this is not a hotel fucking shit no that's actually airport
uh libra grand silver fang that's really the guy's name libra gun is that his fucking
fursona what okay he's in greece that's his fairy persona libra gun silver fang
Take that green tea, Baz
Did Ken ever come back?
No
Yeah, hi
I need to speak to a guest, please
Yes, I need to speak to guest
Guest?
She's not there at the moment
Can you just call me back in five minutes?
Yeah, Pustis Malaka
Can you just hold the line?
Malaka
It's supposed to be Greece
He just never came back when we when you brought us all back
That's not good
It's probably late maybe he went to sleep
That's probably Comcast
That's probably Vesta
Hey
Hello.
Hi.
Yes, hey.
Hi, how are you doing?
I'm fine.
Is this Silver Fang?
Sorry?
I need to talk to Silver Fang.
Who's calling?
Are you at the hotel?
Just a moment.
Hurry the fuck up.
Paracaló?
Yeah, hey.
Paracaló?
Yes, Paracaló, how are you?
Paracaló.
Fine.
Good.
Yeah, are you a worker or are you staying there?
She's going to find out.
Yeah, hi, do you work here?
Hey, stupid.
Yeah, I work here.
Oh, I need to talk to Malacca.
Paracaló?
Yeah, I'm supposed to speak to a Malacca here at this number?
Maybe you're going to miss it.
It's a travel agency, and no one has his name there.
There's no one here who's Malacca?
No.
Because my computer's checking, and it seems that it thinks you're Malacca.
You're a Malacca.
What company are you?
International Business Machines.
Yeah, that's what's your name?
I mean, what do you want?
My name is Cross.
Yeah, we're looking for a Malacca.
We need to put you inside an exhibit.
We're going to do tests on you.
Oh, shh.
he knows what he knows it means
masturbator jerk off
I'm gonna do some tests
hey buddy come on
don't hang up
apparently not
alright let me get back to a few more numbers and I'm gonna call it quits
what do we got here
are these
British not British Scotland I mean
that you put in here
I don't know I just
UK I don't know if they're Scotland or England
just UK
Okay, okay.
Which one are you doing, the DR James?
It should be up. It's almost 7, I think.
Or is it 7? 20?
Yeah.
And thanks for calling our voicemail service.
It's almost 8.
It should be getting ready for work.
Working tomorrow there, Baz?
Yeah, I've got to go to bed pretty soon.
Are you working, Leon?
Tomorrow, yes.
Oh, wow.
I'm not lucky.
He's still recuperating.
Yep, that's fine.
Is that healing up okay?
Yeah, it is.
It's going to be a longer process than the last time
because we don't want to screw it up again.
The extra screw.
I think this will be the last attempt here.
K, James.
K is in chemo.
Mez, I want you to go get some chia seeds this week
and put it on a salad and try it.
Get some what now?
Chia seeds.
That music.
Chia seeds.
Yeah.
Where do you get those?
You can get them at like Walgreens.
Yeah.
I'll give it a try
what the music's too loud
it's too loud
alright I'm done
thank you Baz
alright yeah thanks that was fun
thank you Ken
bye
night everyone
thank you everyone who listened
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