MadhouseSearch

Don’t Be Rude Tyrone

27 Sep 2014 · 2 h · 15,736 words · source

Calls (38, 1 h 16 min of 2 h)
  1. Seattle Airport hotel front desk complaint live 3.1 min clip ↓
  2. Bayside Resort front desk transfer request live 4.6 min clip ↓
  3. Benton guest inquiry at resort live 51 s clip ↓
  4. Coconut Info asked about opening hours live 1.8 min clip ↓
  5. Denny's Honolulu asked about menu live 36 s clip ↓
  6. Phuc Yuen Seafood Restaurant takeaway order live 1.4 min clip ↓
  7. Warehouse adoption area asked about cats live 1.8 min clip ↓
  8. Liquor store asked about wheelchair access live 1.9 min clip ↓
  9. Denny's bathroom toilet paper request live 6.1 min clip ↓
  10. Segway accessibility question live 1.1 min clip ↓
  11. Call about egg orders with bizarre requests live 1.5 min clip ↓
  12. Complaining about 'fuck you' written in container live 1.3 min clip ↓
  13. Corporate office prank about throwing meat and pants live 34 s clip ↓
  14. Complaint about shitting on a plate and summoning Satan live 1.0 min clip ↓
  15. General Atlantic mistaken caller live 1.4 min clip ↓
  16. Denny's restaurant asked about refunds live 1.1 min clip ↓
  17. Self-Defense Institute asked about breaking desks live 1.9 min clip ↓
  18. YMCA in Honolulu asked about adult youth plan live 2.1 min clip ↓
  19. YMCA receptionist asked about machines live 36 s clip ↓
  20. YMCA receptionist flirted with caller live 33 s clip ↓
  21. YMCA receptionist asked about exercise facilities live 1.2 min clip ↓
  22. YMCA receptionist questioned about labia machine live 1.5 min clip ↓
  23. YMCA receptionist asked about accessibility live 1.0 min clip ↓
  24. Kali'i wine machine menu ivr 1.0 min clip ↓
  25. Windward YMCA asked about accessibility live 52 s clip ↓
  26. Waffle House order and confrontation live 55 s clip ↓
  27. Clubhouse in West Glen inquiry live 47 s clip ↓
  28. Waffle House hash browns order with absurd details live 6.5 min clip ↓
  29. Caller complains about bleeding after eating live 6.3 min clip ↓
  30. Matt discusses hotel injury and fan issue live 1.3 min clip ↓
  31. Caller refuses to call boss back live 32 s clip ↓
  32. Matt and Carlito discuss flight and wheelchair access live 1.5 min clip ↓
  33. Caller discusses flight and free drinks live 1.5 min clip ↓
  34. Prank call to Margie Brady at Love's truck stop live 1.5 min clip ↓
  35. Dwight Hotel truck stop driver live 1.6 min clip ↓
  36. Mother India order placement live 2.7 min clip ↓
  37. Royal Service calls Mr. Carter about son Brad live 5.4 min clip ↓
  38. Airplane traveler demands to enter live 5.1 min clip ↓

Transcript

now greg you have some interesting career plans tell us about your career plans yeah i'd like to
be either a stand-up comedian or a baseball manager stand-up comedian or a baseball manager
come on up here yeah they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely
it's on it's working fine you're okay so you want to be a stand-up comedian tell me uh what
kind of jokes do you do well um i make phony phone calls to 1-800 numbers um i make i make
Fake, fake surveys and go to random people who I don't know.
And I tell knock-knock jokes.
You little monkey.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
They're starting soon.
Can Dwight, Dwight said he wanted to join in.
Yeah, he didn't answer.
Did you add him?
Oh, really?
I tried adding him, but maybe he's not paying attention.
There he goes again.
I tried to add Neon.
Okay.
I'm sure she'll join.
She's been talking about it.
You've got to watch out, though.
She's high as fuck right now.
Yeah, super high.
Me, too.
Me, too, actually.
That's, yeah.
Nice.
My back is killing me, so I'm taking purpose.
I hurt my back today.
Oh, yeah.
That's the good stuff.
Oh, man, I hurt my back today.
I really did.
You know we could be hurt on the air, too, right?
That's the oxycodone.
Oxycodone, is it?
This is it.
Oxycodone.
Yep, yep, yep.
Hey, Kraus, you know we could be hurt on the air, right?
Yeah, I know we can be here again.
Okay, I get it.
Oh, hey, everyone.
I'm going to be starting in a little bit.
Hello, hello.
Oh, hey, you're here.
Everybody, what I said is not true.
Everybody forget what I just said.
Yeah, I didn't say anything.
Dwight says you're high.
Neon, is that true?
You're not supposed to talk about that.
You're not supposed to talk about that.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm not.
Baz isn't here.
Wait, I didn't hear Dwight say that.
Good.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
I said my name is Carlet instead of Carlito when I posted to Twitter and Facebook.
Oh, I'm stupid.
Carlet is on there.
This is like my favorite song.
Awesome.
It's a gorilla's thong.
It's a gorilla's thong.
Where are we going to call?
Where do we go?
Why don't we go to the fucking numbers?
Yeah, I guess the numbers are right.
Come on, Dwight.
Do it.
You can't do it.
Crack a motherfucking fucking troll.
It's a perfect time to wake up blankers in the UK.
Would be.
Yeah, really piss them off.
Nice and cranky about now.
Cranky.
What's a good town to call in the Philippines where they might speak English?
Manila.
Yeah, Manila or Quezon City.
I see Quezon.
G-City.
Angeles City.
Not Los Angeles, but Angeles City.
New Angeles.
That's a big one.
There's a wildlife center.
Lung Center of the Philippines.
Oh, you should call Cebu.
C-E-B-U.
The people there will be really rustic
You know, they're not highly educated
But it's a big resort area
Looks like there's a good chance that they'll speak English
Cebu City
Yeah, it's really tropical
It's super nice there
Alright, let's have a look here
Public market, but that's a bus stop
Alright, Malapasuca
Exotic Island Dive and Beach Resort
Cool
Come on, phone number.
Why is Google not showing me phone number?
Well, that doesn't have a phone number.
Never mind, I guess.
Bank's going to be closed.
Offshore Documentation and Residency Solutions.
Probably closed on a Saturday.
Western Union.
This is an updated one.
This is a new check-in.
Cool.
Just following them around.
You did the same fucking brink at another hotel.
My fucking room.
Welcome to Seattle Airport and Conference Center.
This is Crystal, the man-director.
Hey, Crystal, how are you?
How are you?
How are your legs doing?
I'm wonderful.
Are your legs okay?
How are you doing?
Can I assist you?
I'm good.
I was just needing to get a hold of a guest there.
Sure.
What's the last name?
Garrett.
Garrett?
Garrett.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
What is the last name?
Garrett.
Garrett.
Do you know how to spell it?
Because I don't know what you're saying.
G-A-R-R-E-T-T-G-A-R-R-E.
Garrett, maybe? What's the first name?
Stephen.
One second.
All right.
Hello?
Yeah, I need to speak with Stephen, Mr. Garrett.
Just a minute.
Hello?
Hi, this is Eddie Cross. I'm calling from the front desk.
Mm-hmm.
We have several complaints about how loud the sex is that's going on in your room,
or if you're watching some type of pornography on your television or you're being really loud over there.
What's going on?
We haven't done anything like that in the room, period.
You haven't had any, because they're saying that it's sex, sex noises, oh, Steve.
No.
Oh, Steve.
We haven't even had the TV on at all.
We haven't done anything.
Okay.
Have you masturbated really loudly or anything like that?
No.
Okay.
Well, can you ask your wife if she has?
Hold on.
Okay.
You haven't had any sex?
No, neither of us have, and we've been here most of the day.
We just fell asleep, and that was about it.
I'm sorry, you asked her what?
If she's had any sex?
Yes.
Oh, and she hasn't?
Okay.
You wouldn't know about that?
Like, it's possible she would have it with someone else?
Is this really the fucking front desk?
Don't talk to me like that, sir.
I'll have you kicked out of your room.
You treat me with respect.
I'm the manager here.
What's your name?
I'm going to go ask Gene if you really are the manager.
My name is Cross.
Okay, I'm going to go ask Gene if you're really the manager.
Yeah, and ask Crystal.
She's the one that said that you were doing this.
Why don't you do that, motherfucker?
Will do.
I'm heading down to the front desk now and asking.
Put your pants on and see if you can stop having sex for a minute.
Is that one of us?
Is this really the fucking front desk?
You talk to me like that.
He actually asked his wife if she passed.
Eric, one of you guys got to ask real quick before he comes down and we get blocked up.
No, it's fine.
Dwight, let's see if we can at least get the wife.
I'm in conference center, this is Crystal, where may I direct your call?
How you doing, Crystal?
I was just on the phone with Steven Garrett and my cell phone cut out.
I need to be reconnected.
One moment.
The party you are trying to reach is unreachable.
I didn't get an answer anymore.
He's like, I'm going to the front desk, don't touch that fucking phone.
He's probably scared, because you know he explained everything to her.
He said there's loud sex coming from here, and I haven't had sex, you haven't had sex.
You've been fucking around.
What the fuck was that about?
Crack of the door.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Do you want me to start?
Yeah, and then Nia should start.
Nia should claim that she saw a guy doing that.
Hello, calling the Bayside Resort, Cape Resort Hotel.
You want to start this one, do I?
Cape Cod, will I bring you in as the security?
Dial zero, or stay on the line.
What's the name?
That's going to be a resort, can I help you?
How you doing, I need to be transferred to a room, please.
Okay, what's the room number?
Well, I don't have it.
Can I give you the guest's last name?
Sure, one second.
All right.
right what's the last name hall h-a-l-l oh hey guys what's up first name uh richard huh richard
no for the hall room what's that the first name on hall is richard yeah richard or dick either one
i don't have a richard dick uh richard's staying there so i need to speak to him i don't know if
they put on his wife's name or what but he's in that room he said he doesn't have a dick you have
have no dick sir i have only one one hall room and i don't have the first thing just doesn't
yeah just go ahead and transfer me that's her that was my bad it's all right
hello yes hello miss hall yes go ahead bass oh yes ma'am uh this is uh yes this is uh david
Baz Noswalt calling from the front desk.
How are you?
Okay.
Yeah, we seem to have a bit of a ruckus that occurred outside of your room.
Well, in your room.
Ma'am, we had a guest that was walking by,
and they claimed that when they were passing by your room,
they heard a male voice going,
Psst, hey, look over here.
And they saw that the door was cracked,
and they said that they saw an erect male penis sticking out through the door.
Ma'am, this is unacceptable.
Hello?
Yes, hello.
Don't make me repeat myself.
Hello?
Hello, yes.
Yes, ma'am, did you hear my message?
No, I need you to repeat that again.
Yeah, ma'am, I can't repeat that again.
You heard what I said the first time.
No, I didn't.
Yes, well, I'm going to put Mr. McClanahan, are you around?
Dwight?
This is, hello?
Yes, I'm going to put my security supervisor on the phone.
This is Mr. Cross.
Yes, ma'am, I don't know if you understood, but there was a report.
Someone was walking by your room and they heard someone go over here, look over here.
And the door to your room was cracked and they saw an erection, like an erect male penis through the crack.
And then they saw you holding your breasts, looking out.
I can't hear you.
Hello?
Sounded like she just shit herself.
Sounded like her vibrator just went.
I was going to say, it sounded like she was dropping the phone on herself or something.
Oh, yeah.
Someone saw.
Oh, yeah.
This is the erection.
Yeah.
Okay.
That was her erection going down.
Oh, God.
That was kind of weird.
Ew.
Thanks for the shout-out, Jazztown.
I sent you that.
I don't know.
I kind of got thrown off there because usually they get really pissed at first,
but it was just like stunned silence from her.
I really love that idea.
It's just you never know what's going to happen.
Could have said that she had ordered room service
and that she tipped the guy by just getting naked in front of him real quick.
Like the stupid fantasy about the pizza delivery guy.
How about speaking? How much do I have to call?
Hi, I need to speak with a guest there by the name of Benton.
What's the last name?
Benton, B-E-N-T-O-N.
I do not have a guest under that last name. Would it be a different one?
No, that's it. God damn it.
I'm sorry?
I said, no, that's it. God damn it. I didn't start her.
Okay, um, what's the first name of the guest?
Kat, or Kat, Catherine.
One of the two.
Okay, I don't have that guest.
Well, you're fucking ignorant.
Excuse me?
I'll put someone else on the line, because you're really pissing me off.
Ignorant bitch.
What are you doing now?
It's like, what do you do at that point?
I just like to insult them.
Yeah.
Banz, did you copy?
I shot you over that link you were asking for.
Who?
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Ropes over there, son.
He was asking about the
The JDF call
So I sent it over to him
We talked to his dumbass
Losers
It's lawsuit time
Losers
Threatening to sue us
He stayed calm until it really ended
I think it was when
Yuri challenged him to fucking fight
He lost it
Wait, this place says the name is Coconut Willie.
What are these?
I'm assuming it's a restaurant.
Oh, they're a restaurant.
Okay, I thought that's the name of the hotel.
That'd be a shitty hotel, Coconut Willie's.
All right, Coconut Info, apparently.
All right.
You think these fucks are open?
My Willie in there.
How long ago did you guys start?
About 20 minutes.
6-0-8-9-4.
Nope.
Moving on.
Phuc Yuen Seafood Restaurant in Honolulu.
Don't talk to me.
I only put it on there because it's a name.
Hey, man, why not?
Why not, right?
Yeah.
Playing some GTA V.
You're still playing that, sir?
Yes.
I can't wait until November.
The one on the Xbox One will come out.
What are you playing it on, motherfucker?
A 360.
You're out.
Yeah.
Are you playing Xbox Live?
Yes.
Oh, dude, I'm going to fucking play you.
I stole my son's fucking Xbox.
Oh, hell yeah.
You're so cheap.
Just add me, Jack.
It's coming out on PC in November, too.
I'll run on.
I'll get it.
I'll get it on the Steam machine.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I just bought some stuff on Steam, right?
That's why, one of the reasons I was so slow in starting, I was on Steam buying.
There's a Total War sale right now.
Well, I'm a big fan of the Total War series, and there were a few of them, a few little
DLC packs that I haven't gotten yet, and all of Total War is right now is 70% off all weekend,
except for Rome, too.
I'm going to check that out.
Yeah.
So as it stands, I have every single Total War product that's sold on there on Steam.
I don't have the really old medieval nerds.
So, Fukyon didn't answer.
Denny's is here in Honolulu.
One of yous can take that.
Fukyon!
Oh, God, I'm starting to talk like a Pennsylvania man.
Yeah, he said use.
It's all downhill from there.
It is.
You're done.
I'm drinking birch beer right now.
Do you use?
Denny's.
Hang on to what?
My bag?
Hang on to my penis, 69, 69.
That says Chatterbait.
Oh, yeah.
I don't do that shit.
I don't do the Twitters.
I don't do that bullshit.
You're out, man.
Chatterbait's a porno site.
I know you do that shit.
I know that because George and fucking Green B are always posting it in the IRS.
He's like, check this out.
out dude seriously like do i wait wait a second wait last night i totally went to the chatterbait
thing with like george and all the fuck i've never had so much fucking fun in my entire life
the people were fucking see all that shit oh i clicked one i don't remember it's george green
bean it was like this guy in like this like it was like a sheen like fucking like bodysuit
and his fucking dick
tucked up to like his belly button.
I was like, what the fuck, George?
Seriously,
you can do like emoticons
but they're actually pictures.
Oh fuck, there was one where this guy was trying to go at it
and dude, he only did it to himself.
He only had one eye.
What?
George is going in there putting the pirates.
So fast.
Oh shit, George.
And he's like, send me tokens.
tokens send me tokens the guy like the guy had zero tokens he's just like send me tokens i'm
disabled oh my gosh he always tries to send you the tranny fights on there oh shit yeah i don't
i don't look at yeah my irc client previews them so i can kind of look at it in a very small little
thumbnail and i'm like okay oh so you saw meatspin.com coming a mile away yeah you know
what's good and what's bad.
What's up, Baz?
You got to step out or something?
Yeah, it's just a shout out
to Rob the Hyena.
He's in the chat room right now.
R-T-H.
Roth.
Rob the Hyena.
R-T-H.
Hi.
You don't know who
Rob the Hyena is, Jack?
I haven't been around
that long, I don't think.
He used to do a show.
He was PLA.
He was PLA
on the Cactus Radio.
I've heard of R-T-H.
That's the same dude.
He's hilarious.
Yeah, he did a good thing.
He used to do a great show.
Joe, he used to do a lot of work until, like, Jaiad does more, but Jaiad level.
Yeah, you can't get on Jaiad level.
Jaiad plants all week, man.
God, I still remember.
The fucking one I remember the most is when we were trying to talk that one kid into doing Mexican ditch fighting.
And he was at the party with his buddy, and we're like, dude, is there someone you would like to fight?
And he's like, oh, yeah, there's this motherfucker.
And we're like, hand him the phone.
And then, like, when he grabs the phone, just fucking punch him in the face.
Oh, shit.
So he hands him the phone, just, pow, the fucking phone goes dead.
We're like, what the fuck?
So we called back, and he's like, dude, I just fucking knocked you behind.
We're like, oh, shit.
We get the guy that he hit.
He's like, Dakota just fucking knocked me out.
He's like, what the fuck is going on?
Who was, was Jaiad hosting when we did the, there was that prank about Columbine,
the Columbine movie that we wanted to add sex scenes to?
like a black dude we're trying to get to do it too
we were asking him to like get fucked and like just start making a bunch of noise yes
yeah you remember you said have people you guys would have people in detroit just screaming at
the top of their lungs oh fucking maurice yeah all the night oh shit oh he used to fuck up one
like we call on his voicemail and be like is this a so-and-so don't leave a fucking message
if you're my family fuck off jesus christ people and people all right here's the next one we'll
see if they answer aloha you may help you aloha yeah i need to make an order for the takeaway
machines oh i died for the takeaway machine yeah the takeaway machines what's that take out yeah
the takeout machines okay what's gonna happen um i want the fuck i want the moons over miami
Okay.
Let's see.
You got any, like, specials tonight?
I'm sorry.
You want hash browns with that?
French fries?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I want French fries.
French fries?
Okay.
And then sourdough bread, wheat bread, white bread?
Sourdough.
Okay.
Do you use, like, your own yeast with that to make the sourdough?
No.
You don't, like, reach between your legs and grab, like, your yeast infection
perfection, and make some sourdough bread.
Bitch. Okay. Bye.
I love you. Bye.
Whore. Wow. She was not happy
with that. Totally.
Can I call with Denny's? Absolutely.
Yes, you may. I swear to fucking
God, if I find another stink bug in my house, I'm probably
going to stab someone with some scissors.
Oh, gross. Oh, fuck those stink bugs,
motherfucker. Chinese motherfucker. Fucking awesome that
IHOP started serving waffles. They're getting
the fucking head of the game. Waffle House are a bunch
of motherfuckers saying, no, no pancakes.
Fuck you. Waffle House.
I don't know where they're coming from
Oh I hate those motherfuckers
I just looked down
One was hanging out of my laptop
Took a pair of scissors cut that motherfucker in half
I was pissed
Oh was that guy on the phone
I called back that Denny's
And you were just going off
I cut that motherfucker in half
It's all like, I have an image of Jack just going like, bitch!
Fucking scissors to it.
Just holding him like hedge clippers, like the little piercings.
Oh my god!
Here you go.
I'm going to get machete.
Damn.
Oh, shit.
We're just a barber beef, K.
Feed it to your dog.
They never answer.
Hello, Pep. I know a warehouse. How may I help you?
Hey there, I have a question about the adoption area.
Okay.
I'm looking for a cat.
What types of cats do you have?
We don't have any cats right now, but we usually get our cats from the Oahu SPCA.
So you can, yeah, so we don't have any cats right now.
Oh, fuck.
Keep it down.
But we usually get our cats from the Oahu SPCA shelter.
So you can check there.
Hey, can you take donations?
What was that?
Donations, like drop-off pets.
No questions asked.
What was that?
I'm sorry, I can't understand you.
Hello?
Get the dick out of your ears.
It's working now.
Yeah, it's working.
I'm sorry.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, you disappoint me.
What was that?
You disappoint me.
I cannot believe that you're working at that place.
I thought it was Petco.
This is Corner.
No, you're supposed to be working at Petco.
We don't have any pets right now.
What?
We don't have any pets right now.
We don't have any cats right now.
We have dogs and the things.
Do you take stink bugs?
Because I got a fuck ton of them.
Wait, I don't know what you're talking about.
There better not be any on my bed, I swear to God.
I'm sorry?
Oh, no, I'm just talking.
Go ahead.
Here's my wife.
Sorry, the fucking cat's in the way.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah, we know we're going to need a new cat.
Right.
Ma'am?
Hello?
Hey.
Oh, yeah.
We'd like to get a cat, please.
As you can see, I'm 15.
You're looking for a cat?
My voice just cracked, and I'm going through puberty, but yeah, we're going to need another cat.
We need another cat to feed, another mouse to feed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We don't have any cats right now, though.
I need another cat.
My snake is hungry as a motherfucker.
Ma'am, who's that on the phone?
Ma'am, don't threaten me like that.
Ma'am, you sound like a guy now.
This woman's a fucking idiot.
She's so stupid hanging up the fucking phone, huh?
She's just standing there going, what?
How can this be?
No, you hang it up.
You hang it up.
You hang it up.
You hang it up.
All right, I'll hang it up.
Are they seriously still on?
Yeah.
Ma'am, this isn't a real call.
Okay.
I'll hang it up.
I don't know.
No, the jack's talking.
Sorry it was so loud when it first came on.
I didn't realize.
It was funny.
The funniest, I lost my shit twice
with that meowing.
The first time when it was just Neon
talking because it just sounded like Crazy Cat Lady.
And then the second time when
Jack sounded like he killed
a cat. Because you said, like, I gotta get out
these fucking cats are in my way. And the cat goes
mew. He sounded like a cat
or something. Like you
squoze his head or something.
He cut it with scissors.
I picked it up with scissors
and cut it in half. I can't believe you picked it up.
What the hell? No, I picked it up with the scissors.
and held it over the toilet and was like,
you son of a bitch.
That's how serial killers start, dude.
Are you sure you're alright, man?
I'm not okay, because these stink bugs
are turning me into a serial killer.
Stink bugs.
Yeah, fuck those things, man.
I know, man.
I held a match up to one once, and it shot its stink out
and it lit on fire.
You can hold one up to its butt,
and if it sprays, it'll actually light on fire
and go...
It burned its ass. I felt bad because it burned.
I know how I'm spending my afternoon tomorrow.
Seriously, yeah.
Get yourself a lighter.
Like, I used one of those long barbecue ones.
But it sucked because it still stunk.
You know what I mean?
I was like, oh, fuck.
I mean, he kind of sprayed mine kind of in half, so.
Well, it's like when you light a fart, it smells dope.
Yeah, true.
The gasoline or whatever.
That's not.
Jack, I have you to blame.
Everywhere I go, I like to think, nice!
Nice.
I heard you last night.
That's so mean.
I'm like, hey, I should start saying that.
Seriously.
Oh, the new one is sick or game theory.
Game theory?
Yeah.
All right.
I've been saying sick.
Seriously, I walked around.
Nice.
Nice.
I'm being sarcastic, and I mean it.
I'm like, that's nice.
I am sarcastic.
Aloha, and thank you for calling Cocojira Hawaii and MicroBubble.
Okay, I don't think it's here.
This is walking.
Yes, it is.
Lucky 7, Lucky 7.
This is driving.
Or this is walking.
They actually used to have those here in Michigan.
You could drive in and fucking tell them what you want and they'd go get your liquor.
24 hours or so.
Can I go in if I'm handicapped?
Of course.
Oh, my God.
ADA, of course.
Yeah.
You hear?
Well, I'm in a little will town.
Dude, those fucking Waffle Houses treat me like shit when I talk like that.
I ask them if their shit's wheelchair accessible and they're fucking like,
hold on, I can't understand this motherfucker making up on me.
Yeah, they're so mean at Waffle House.
because it's it's straight up like one of the places you go you can get a job if you have like
a felony on your record did i have a call back it's like did you i was like oh she phoned me
she's gonna vote me out of my wheelchair ma'am did you see that i did not see that gourmet liquors
busy once already ringing now liquor on a night like tonight should be
yeah the liquor store should be open on a friday night
His train was almost 10 o'clock on a Friday.
It's like, okay, and shoot.
What?
Like, seriously?
Denny's? LBC?
No, Linwood, my bad.
Linwood, where's Linwood?
It should be towards Compton.
That's what I was searching.
Oh.
I was trying to get some real people.
Hello, Denny's. This is Letty. May I help you?
Yeah, how are you doing?
Like, I'm in the bathroom, and you guys are out of toilet paper.
Oh, you're in the restroom?
Oh, okay, see.
Let me tell you.
Yeah, but there's no toilet paper, but, like, I've been in here for 20 minutes, and, like, I think my food's getting cold.
Can you bring my food in here for me?
I'll just eat in the air.
Okay.
Just bring my food in, and, like, just slide it under the stall, prison-style, and I'll just eat it in the air.
Is, like, is the man gonna bring it?
Oh, fuck.
Is the man gonna bring it, or are you gonna bring it, sweetie?
I gave you echo.
I don't know if you knew, but I gave you echo.
Yeah, I could hear it.
Okay, good.
That and the, uh, pissing and shitting.
Yeah.
You should have told me ahead of time
I would have had it written
Just say I'm going to be in the bathroom
Call back and white double that shit
You want to white double her
Let me switch to setting 14
White devil
White devil
My name is Mice and I'm happy
Oh ma'am I'm in the restroom
And I just took a shit and it hurt my vocal cords
So now I sound like this
Toilet paper and my food into the men's stall
Hello
Bathroom I need you to bring me the toilet paper and my food
Dude, I had a huge bowel movement and now my voice sounds like this.
Did it?
It didn't change.
It doesn't.
I can't hear it.
On the screen, you can hear it.
Yeah, yeah.
Because if you heard it, all you'd hear is feedback.
It'd be really bad.
I'd be tripping a lot.
You said so hard, you messed up your vocal cords.
It makes sense.
How did you?
It's funny.
When he's over here, I have my son sleep in the other room there, and it has its own
bathroom.
so like just to fuck with him he'll be in there playing video games i'm like well i'm gonna go
on that bathroom ticket down to study using the main one and i'll be in there he'll be playing
video games i'll have his headphone and shit on i'm yelling come out you evil
i'm gonna name this one
he's like you hear my dad
my hero
hey boy how you doing
alright I'm gonna put
Neon on the line she has to make a special order
Neon
do you guys have waffles
yes we do but we're closed
why are you answering the phone then what you doing there son
cause I'm still here and I gotta answer the phone
you're not here to answer the phone
you answered the phone for me
Huh?
Huh?
You better watch it, sucker.
And I'm serious.
Is this Tyrone?
Was that Tyrone Shoelaces?
Tyrone Shoelaces.
Was his name Tyrone?
He's in the Robin the Place.
He's in the Robin the Place.
Hang on, I'm going to call back and ask him.
I've never got that why people answer the phone after you're closed.
Right.
Hello, no, I'm in the Robin the Place.
Maybe their bosses call to make sure that they're actually there.
Yeah.
If the truck comes in at the warehouse and we're closed, I tell him to fuck off.
The guy from the work-release house calls to make sure.
Tyrone, you there?
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, motherfucker.
I thought that was him.
I know, me too.
That's why I stopped the music.
I ain't gonna fuck.
Now he's sitting there going,
I bet you had a good point.
What the fuck am I answering the phone?
What the fuck the phone?
I don't get paid to answer the phone.
Play that funky plastic phone.
Yeah.
I was for sure
I thought he was
going to get pissed
at me calling him
boy
he didn't know
oh it's like
those fuckers
from last week
going from zero
to fuck you
in about three seconds
you'll man me a boy
you'll man me a boy
boy
hey calling
Denny's and
telling you
this is Danny
speaking
how can I
provide you
with an
excellent service
hey
quit yelling
can you quit
yelling in the
phone for a second
excuse me
can you quit
yelling in the
phone for a second
I'm trying to
talk to you
excuse me
you heard me
you heard me
okay I can hear
you but I can't
understand what
you're saying
I'm trying to
talk to you. Uh-huh, how can I help you?
Uh, I just want to make an order.
Okay, what can I get for you?
Um, you guys have waffles?
We do. Um,
fuck you.
Okay. Put the waffle up your ass,
motherfucker. Please. Okay, Steve.
That was your first prank call.
You hang up the fucking phone, Arby.
Yeah. Yay, everybody clap.
Yay. Hey, Arby, hey Brad.
Hey Brad, it's me, I'm on the air.
Hey, Carlita. Oh my god.
You're like one of us now, Carlito.
Yeah.
Someday you're going to reach neon status.
Yeah.
I'll have money, Denny's, and Denny's.
That's messed up, Brad.
You'll have money and Denny's.
Messed up, Brad.
What do you think?
That's...
What the fuck just exploded?
I'd rather have Waffle House than Denny's.
You want EY?
You want LA?
You want down south where they're fucking retarded?
What the hell? I gave you a freaking number to Long Beach Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
Man, that's just easy.
I'm getting there.
That's for white people only.
I'm getting there.
Oh my God, I've totally been to one. No, they're not.
I was saying that I would rather eat a waffle pie.
I would rather eat a Waffle House and Denny's is what I was telling him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you have labia?
I don't.
Are you sure?
Okay.
Just need to check.
There you go.
I think you did.
Oh, I'm talking to Brad.
Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
Alright.
How'd you know?
I just was wondering.
Same place, same place.
Thank you for calling in a Segway. My name is Rubi Boudizia.
Hey, puta.
Hey, is your facility Segway accessible?
Hello?
I'm one of those douchebags who ride around on one of those.
Is it accessible to Segways? Yes or no?
Whore, are you there?
Question mark.
Nice assist.
Exclamation point.
God, this girl's a fucking slut.
She sleeps with all the waffles.
Upside down and right side up, exclamation mark.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
It's just a blue waffle.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Ew, that's kind of gross.
All right, I guess we'll hang up, right?
Because there you go.
All right.
Finally.
Oh my God, I didn't know that lady was still there.
I can't believe she didn't answer my question.
Seriously.
She didn't have enough ink to do the exclamation.
i'm driving a bad guy inside of the thing and i'm lifting him up and by lifting him up i mean his
penis you must have the mods installed oh yeah what is the order amazing yeah hello ma'am hey
hello hi hi hi we just all called to say hi hi we want to make an order order okay yeah we all
want eggs and we're gonna go around in a circle and we're gonna each tell you how we want our
individual eggs cooked so how many orders are there six right five six let's go fast okay tell
us when you're ready ma'am i'm ready i'm just waiting on you guys that's hot what attitude
all right let's start are we you go first oh no uh carlito i insist you first okay i would like
two um poached eggs that's a good choice thank you i will have poached eggs okay thank you i
I will have egg with fetus in it.
No, shut up.
Jack's going.
Go.
Yeah.
Egg with fetus in it because you get the protein.
Is that possible?
I'm sorry?
I just picked up three motherfuckers at once.
Go ahead, Neon.
It's your turn.
I'd like two scrambled eggs, and you better ditch that fucking attitude.
I'm sorry?
Good one.
Oh, is it my turn?
I'd like two scrambled eggs, honey.
It's not that hard, okay?
Oh, gosh.
Yeah, it's a little bit funny.
Okay.
Stupid.
I want, like, two sunny-side-up eggs, like, extra runny.
And I want you to put them between your ass cheeks so I can just eat the fuck out of them.
I want to eat.
Did you drop the phone or what?
We almost got to the same thing.
Her jaw hit the floor.
I think that's what it was.
That's all it was was a sign of her jaw hitting the floor.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
This is just ecstatic.
I'll stop talking about it, but I'm just in awe that this is happening.
How many did you pick up?
Like, I'm in a fucking...
I don't know what they're called.
called like back oh you know the things that lifts dirt up and i'm driving one of those i found it in
grand theft auto i scooped up three motherfuckers that were just hanging in the park and i'm making
them bounce up and down inside of it that's awesome it's so fun are these other players
are you talking about npcs or real people yeah npcs no it would have been better with real people
but i don't know you're gonna be fucked when i add you because i got a tank and i'm gonna blow
your fucking ass up.
Oh yeah, you made your son
get you a tank
because he blew up your car
or something, right?
He fucking sold you
and fucking did something
with my truck.
Have any of you tried
the rape mods or whatever
that you can rape somebody?
Is there such a thing?
That's sick, man.
That's sick.
I prefer the real life.
The real life rape mod.
Does it take you back?
Does it take you back to it?
It does.
To my prison days.
Oh, I thought before that.
Early childhood.
he doesn't like to talk about shit you better watch yourself man i'll fucking rate rice here
i thought you liked being closest to the bar
You're a drunk.
That's a dad.
Look, I need to find something to call.
The university is going to be closed.
I was really wanting to call on the Philippines more.
Baz, are you still here?
He's doing laundry.
No, I don't know.
I chased him off.
Good, good.
Thanks, Brad.
He doesn't like me.
Thanks, Brad.
You're welcome, everyone.
Brad, do a show this weekend.
Thanks.
Okay.
Do one of those Saturday shows you like to do sometimes.
I'll do a Saturday morning show.
Okay.
I just wanted to call and ask
what the fuck is your problem?
I came in earlier
and I got like a carry out
and all I got was like two eggs
and some toast and when I
got the container home I opened
it up and somebody who thought they were
a jokester went and
wrote in a black sharpie on the inside of my
container fuck you
What did they do inside your container?
They took a Sharpie and they wrote, fuck you, like real black and bold inside of my container.
Sir, our containers are black.
Yeah.
It's racist.
That's what I'm saying.
They did it really good.
They said, fuck you, and somebody thinks they're a comedian.
It is shadow lettering and everything.
Okay, if this is a joke, it's gone a little far.
It's not a joke.
That's why I'm calling you.
Come on in and we'll do something about it.
I need to speak to the head motherfucker
hey lady why are you trying to get all
me vida loca up in it
I'm calling back I'm calling back cause that attitude's
gotta get out
I'm gonna pass it over to my lord
Satan to take over
so I summoned Satan to attract a girl you said
Dwight in that recent
in one of my recent calls with you
you said I was summoning Satan to attract
a woman is that what it was
uh what was it
I think that's what it was
it might be
I was calling on Satan to attract women
or labia
I lose
maybe I'll come here
you were summoning
I think it was in
yeah it was
I think it was Tuesday or something
and you were summoning Satan to take care of something
yeah
and he sounded like a bullfrog
different Denny's
there's no Denny's or IHOPs around here where I live
because there's too many good mama
they've never really permeated here oh there's like no waffle houses
there's one waffle house it's so bad their buckeye waffle is like to die for well ma'am
i don't know what that was nobody said hello sorry i don't know why i said that's pretty
racist of me pretty racist racist yes it's the female race game theory ice can we get a denny's
to throw all their meat with them yes yeah hello hello ma'am hello i'm just over enthusiastic
fucking eggs that i won't order also we're calling from the corporate office you have to throw all
your meat away including one of your pants do it as comically as possible as horse and record it
this is on the account because you've caught scooby-doo tiptoeing
what the fuck is that shit i have no idea what's going on now djh computers
Yes, I have a complaint.
I'm sorry?
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, I was just in the bathroom,
and somebody took a shit on one of your guys' plates
and put it on the toilet seat.
And it was me.
It was me.
No, it was me.
I did it.
It wasn't me.
We all did it.
We put it together and put it on a plate.
We shit together.
We all shit at the same time.
And we're like, Dark Lord, come to us.
We give you this bountiful harvest.
And we push it out of our asshole.
Yeah, together on the same plate.
But nothing happened.
That's some Children of the Corn shit.
Satan was supposed to come out of the toilet.
And it all mixed, kind of like the swirl ice cream.
They crossed the streams, madam.
They crossed the streams.
Crossed the dressing.
It was like...
Did you clean that up for us?
She hung up.
How long does it take George to put the toppings on?
Jag, this is my friend AMD.
He's been a long-time friend of mine.
Hey, AMD.
Helped me out with shows.
I hate you already AMD
yeah we got the first
we got a bad impression of you right now
because I thought this was a hacksaw
prove us wrong motherfucker
I thought my DIJ computer was about to get hacked
and you're not even saying anything
so that hurts my feelings
I think it's a bot
turn your phone the right way
turn your phone the right way
no you hang up
are these like all
All the same types for your friends?
Carlita, they can't talk or what?
Like the dead?
Huh?
Like the dead can't talk, you're saying?
He said, like, seems like all your friends don't like to talk or don't talk.
Or say fuck you to us.
Who's my friend that's not talking?
Your friend's here.
Okay.
And you know some other people.
Some other people?
Yeah, I know all those people.
Yeah.
You know what we mean by other people?
Yeah.
Did someone just walk in the door and spook you?
You look like you got poked in the asshole.
Good evening, thank you for calling General Atlantic, I can help you.
Why are you so happy about this motherfucker?
Hello?
Yeah, why are you so happy about this motherfucker?
Who is this?
Oh, this is Eddie. Is your name Boy?
No, your name is Boy.
No, I'm Eddie, stupid.
Eddie Murphy, son! Eddie Murphy!
You sure ain't funny.
Is this Tyrone Shoelaces?
We're all high, so it's extremely funny, sir.
That was racist.
Hee hee.
Hee hee.
there he goes i'll call him back i'm not there other people what's so funny about
she's just racist is all oh my god yeah are are there any uh are any with anybody who's not one
of you people over there are there what anybody we can talk to who's not one of you people uh
your mama's right here oh good because she's not uh dirty people like you right well she's a dirty
I didn't know he was still on.
I didn't even know there was anybody on.
Oh shit, I just got a fucking achievement.
Yeah, you're missing a good show here.
You're not paying attention.
I'm paying attention hard.
Focusing on this shit.
Holy shit, I just thought I saw someone run through my living room.
Oh my god.
It was probably an isosceles triangle.
An isosceles triangle?
It probably was.
An is-is triangle?
angle yeah all right continuing on with our list of denny's brad do a call don't be shy it's okay
buddy you want to do a call hey guys as long as i can do hood rat shit sure okay whatever you do
look the way i see it if people want to do hood rat shit is as long as they understand it's on
them if they get in trouble and don't bring don't don't embroil us in it and we're not gonna have
Don't expect us to come
and put our shit on the line to help you.
Shut up. Alright, fine.
Say goodbye to Neon, everybody.
Good night.
Bye, Neon.
Finally got rid of her.
I'm going to block her.
I can smell her labia.
I can smell your cunt, Clarice.
Wait, what is this shit?
She's not answering. She gone.
That was fucking funny.
Let me talk to the bitch.
uh yeah let me talk to the bitch goddamn partner you hanging out with fat bitches
i think this is a waste of my time this is a waste of my time
md here say something amd motherfucker my friends are making fun of me because you're
supposed to be my friend you're not saying anything this whole time he just wonders why
we're ignoring him yeah all right great i love the part of the show where the phone rings i like
the little part of the show where it's lawsuit time so what's up with matt he really up
his foot and then i haven't really seen him post much on facebook since that does anyone know if
he's okay he's back home he posted a bunch today yeah he's back home mom made him a sandwich oh
okay i don't know he was back home yet i didn't come back earlier i thought he was going to be
gone for longer i just thought it was 10 days or something i know exactly what he did and i
I almost did that before, so...
Is it a secret?
It's a secret.
There's like these lips on his toes when you come inside and you don't know it and you just kill your toe.
It's like, godmotherfucker.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
And slam your toe onto that little lip and it hurts like a bitch and breaks toes.
Oh, shit.
I thought I saw.
Hey, Neon.
Hi, Neon.
She said, fuck you, sluts.
And she got him.
No, I'm here.
Oh, good.
She's gonna be the new to dead.
Fuck you guys.
Fuck all you bitches.
Fuck all you bitches.
Can I still get refunds through the PLA site?
Hello?
Probably.
Is that Denny's?
Hello?
Hello?
Is that Denny's?
How you money make?
Like I said, blue tea.
Hello?
Hello?
Bitch, is that Denny's?
Hello, ma'am.
I heard the bitch.
I heard the bitch.
Don't try to be nice now, right?
Oh, Brad.
Thanks.
Oh, it's supposed to be Brad's call.
I think it was classic.
Well, now it's someone else's turn, because I had mine.
No.
Right, Mr. Clay?
Mr. Clay?
I don't know how to say that.
Hello, thank you for calling Denny's and Bellflower.
What does that hurt?
Oh, my God.
I don't even know where that came from.
I just kind of blurted that out.
That was awesome.
They don't like people with medical conditions at that place.
Those are other people.
Here's Neon's number for the Long Beach Roscoe Chickens and Waffles.
Yeah, I'll take some.
Master Chief numbers.
Master Chefs.
That was my number.
That's what I said, Neon's number.
Sorry.
I'm going to chatterbait and then the chat room.
There's chatterbait going on again.
Hi, Dustburn.
It says one horny Nancy.
That can't be that bad, right?
Yeah, click on it.
I clicked on it.
It's fucking Gary Vronsky's wife.
Oh.
Poor gentleman.
That poor alpha.
Casual cunt.
See you next Tuesday, Jag TV.
Do you get that?
Do you get it?
I have no idea.
I just LOL'd.
Dude, dude, Jag.
See?
It was just a polite laugh.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah, I didn't know what you were talking about.
No, Jag, seriously.
Seriously, dude.
It's cunt.
See?
Yeah, but it spells out cunt.
Oh, well, how do you think I'm that smart?
I didn't go to college and I work in a warehouse.
He doesn't know about cum.
Yeah, I've never, I don't know what that is.
Yeah, he's just, he's just making us call all his ex-girlfriends
because they're really those that you stalked.
Right.
Oh, shit.
Aw, Jag, really?
It's like that now?
You got me.
Swimming pool.
Swimming pool's not going to be open.
Come on, Dwight.
You're killing me.
It's okay.
Come on.
He might see me.
No.
No way.
Self-defense institute headquarters, maybe.
Doubt it, but maybe.
Well, then skip my swimming pools and go down to the karate shit.
Getting there, I'm getting there.
First karate shit here.
Grandmaster Stevens and...
Man.
After that shit.
Huh?
Just give me a pity laugh.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi, is this the Self-Defense Institute machine?
What was that again?
Is this the Self-Defense Institute machine?
Yes, it is.
All right, what's going on?
How's the heat today?
Your business is?
My business is I need to be trained in the art of breaking karate chopping desks in half.
I will pay money...
I can't, I can't...
I want you to pay...
Oh, you're a fucking asshole.
What?
What again?
I said you're an asshole.
Am I an asshole?
No, are you a master?
A master?
Or is it sensei?
You're talking about Kaji Pimble?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the founder's son.
Okay.
Well, I want to be trained to go up to my boss and karate chop like his desk and his
door, wood door, and break it.
That's all I want to learn.
I don't want to learn any defensive moves.
I just want to learn how to break boards and stuff like that.
You got the wrong school.
Then what do you do, exactly?
We teach self-defense.
How long does it take to break boards?
You're talking to the wrong person about breaking boards.
Can I break a neck?
That's stupid.
One of you just got a really bad hiss.
I think it was Dwight.
Did I hear that?
Yeah.
Yeah, it just left right now.
I was just living with it.
It's going to ruin this on the showroom.
Showroom.
Please leave your message for...
Damn it.
We lost him.
Sorry.
Sorry. I killed it.
That was a horrible job on my part.
Hawaii Martial Arts Academy.
I'll take the assist for that one.
Alright, no problem.
The HMAA.
Does someone want to talk to Karate Guy?
I'll try it.
He's gonna fuck you up.
I bet I can kick his ass.
Fucking third degree black belt over here.
Lick his ass.
Lick his ass.
Lick his ass.
Lick his ass.
He's gone.
He's probably left because I'm back.
Oh my god, that's creepy.
I can't believe you guys haven't been on together.
Hello?
We have.
Hi, kid.
You there, sweetie?
What are you doing?
Yeah.
YMCA in Honolulu.
YMCA, guys.
Can I shit in the shower?
Sure, man.
As is, actually.
I knew it.
All right.
Hey, Brad.
Barbie.
Hey.
Yay.
Yay.
Yay.
This is the one who wants to probably help you.
Hey, hello?
Sensei?
This is the one who wants to help you.
I didn't understand that language.
I speak the language of English.
What did you say, I'm sorry?
This is the new UONU YMCA.
Oh, fuck yeah.
What do you guys offer here for adult youth kind of thing?
Adult membership?
Adult and child.
So we have like a single parent and family plan.
It starts at $70 a month.
Oh, I work at a warehouse.
I can't afford that.
You guys got anything else?
We have this program called Membership for All.
He works in a warehouse, but he would totally blow you to offset the charges.
I probably would.
That's how he got his wheelchair.
He goes a mean, mean hummer.
Oh, yeah, we're at the payphone, by the way, trying to call home, but all of my change was spent on you.
So, okay.
Listen, he'll come down there with a sack of cheeseburgers from either White Castle or McDonald's.
Oh, I have one.
He'll sit it on your desk.
You'll talk.
Well, I'm falling back.
Good evening, what do I say?
This is Angel.
He got disconnected. I was asking him about the plan
for adult youth.
He said he would offer to pay $100 a month.
Okay, you were talking to a gentleman? Hold on.
No, I was not. Yeah, he was so dastardly.
I wouldn't say gentleman.
He's a piece of shit.
Blaze,
can you fuck up with all the highs in the chat room?
You're making my orgasms bleed.
Wait, hold on, what? My organs, not orgasms.
Oh my god, I was just
imagining that. Why are there so many
he's in the chat room.
Oh my god.
Hello?
Oh, what a dick.
Shit, damn it.
I didn't, I didn't,
sorry, I didn't hear that.
No, it was him.
He said he didn't want to talk.
Well, fuck it.
We're going to get her again.
We didn't even need
anyone to want to say this.
It's Matthew.
Fuck you.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
How could I?
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi.
I was just down in the shower.
Down syndrome.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, I just, I,
I took a shit in your shower
and I smashed your brain.
The jerk.
What color was it?
oh my god oh boy oh i'm lost without a cause no one i'm safe this is paula how can i help you
your voice is so nasally ma'am ever tried yeah neti pods ma'am they work wonders i'm sorry who
is this this is right out prescription prescription nasa next is really good too
we're gonna mail you some ma'am so if you call again i will call the police
I can send you some samples.
Samples.
Little Bobby.
She said to call right back.
She did say call back in that.
Yeah.
Those two words work together.
You do realize I have your phone number now.
No, you don't.
And I will report it to the police now.
Thank you.
It's your phone number.
Did you hear how hard she tried not to talk nasally?
Yeah.
She was enunciating
No, no, dude
I know this lady
No, this lady fucked everybody at the YMCA
She fucked the bums
Oh, that one
Oh, that's hot
She makes videos
Yeah, it doesn't sound fair
I'm surprised they didn't answer the phone
Because they're closed
Hey Carlito, what did you think of that penis prank
That you played at the end of the show the other day
I liked it
I liked it. I thought it was pretty good.
Yeah, I did.
How did you do that with, like, just that little keystroke?
Because I'm Jesus.
Hey, Sherilyn speaking. How can I help you?
Hey, sexy, how you doing? Hello?
Uh, how may I help you?
Uh, so you're doing good, then?
I'm doing just fine.
Oh, so you agree that you are sexy. I understand.
I found that guy. She says she's sexy. Go ahead.
Bite his head off, lady. Is that a threat?
My God.
Damn.
You know when you jump on a dumbbell and it's stuck in your asshole?
She's more of a beautiful type, not a sexy type, I guess.
Thank you for calling Central YMCA.
This is Amelia.
How may I help you?
Hi, sexy.
You're welcome.
Hey, big Amelia.
How are you doing?
Fine.
How can I help you?
Yes, we're, excuse me, I've got some of my associates on the line here, and we're inquiring
about the machines.
Oh, yeah.
The machines?
What kind of machines are you inquiring about?
You know, the exercising machines.
The exercise machines.
Yes.
Well, we have...
We're just going to assemble all of them.
Yes, they're hazardous now.
There's been a recall on all of them.
Total recall.
Every single one of them.
Okay, so there's a total recall on all of our machines.
You're coming to collect our machines?
No, that's bullshit.
Listen, what's your name again, sweetie?
What's the language?
Sweetie, what's your name?
Excuse me.
I do not like you swearing at me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ma'am, what's your name?
What is the situation?
Ma'am, what is your name?
It's okay, honey.
Just calm down.
No, don't call her honey.
We're just cruising.
We're cruising for sex.
Settle down, sweet tits.
labia i got a plan laid out for her holy shit good evening thank you for calling the ymca central
branch my name is diana labia hi diana i was inquiring about your uh exercise facilities
majora i'm so sorry inquiring about what facility the the exercise equipment that you have labia
i'm sorry what did you need to know the x yeah about the exercise equipment uh how fast can we
turn the treadmill on while
you run naked and I try to motorboat
your vagina. Do you have a labia
machine? Fuck yeah.
Holy shit, that was gross.
Baz was funny. Was that Baz going
fuck yeah? I'm so turned on right now.
So imagine how Baz has
sex. Sick.
Something theory.
Game theory.
Game theory. What's up?
This YMCA? I don't
speak that language.
Bonjour, comment allez-vous?
Je suis, je suis
le président de Bruneig.
Laibia.
Oh wait, shit.
I didn't say that. I didn't mean that.
I said John.
Le chat.
That wasn't good. John, I said.
Le chat.
It's okay, he doesn't speak English anyway, so
I technically didn't break the rules.
I don't.
Okay.
You did pretty good there.
Those are, like, the only phrases that I know.
I know wee-wee.
It means hi or something like that.
I just remember that one hotel call where, Carlito, you were talking to that lady,
and she was getting all kind of riled up, and Milkman told you to say Lachette.
Lachette?
Lachette.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Arby, guess what?
What?
You're such a disease.
Ah, that hurts.
Look what you did, you little jerk
You're what the French call
Lazy compiton
I don't understand
Home alone, fool, home alone
Oh, really?
Fuck all his family
They were such assholes
That whole night before
They were assholes to everyone
They were like
Stealing shit from the plane
They shoved some lady away from the payphone
Remember?
And thank you for calling the Kali'i wine machine.
If you know the three-digit extension
of the Kali'i wine machine,
you can call it now.
For the main directory, press 1.
For the childhood department,
press 2.
For the teen leadership department, press 3.
For teen government, press 3.
Teen government?
Somebody said,
keep the change, you filthy animal.
Aloha.
Derek, they're fair for the win.
Aloha, and thank you for calling
Fuck that YMCA right there
Because it's fucking stupid
Stupid bitch
Here's one on Nimitz Highway
Named after a murderer named Chester Nimitz
YMCA is for squares
I just pushed all the urine right out of my urethra
We heard it
That's racist
Thank you for calling the Windward YMCA
We are located at 1200
Yeah, who gives a shit
True
Waffle House, we're up to the Waffle House
House, Ken.
Waffle house.
There you go.
It's time for some food.
Some food, fun, and laughs.
Yes.
You should do the wheelchair, Ken.
It's been a long time.
Mongoloid.
Fuck you, wheelchair expats.
Are you wheelchair accessible?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey.
Hey, I'm a...
Speak up, goofy cunt.
Ask him while I say it.
Are you wheelchair accessible?
Why?
yeah okay there you go thank you thank you yeah thank the man thank you motherfucker
okay asshole we're coming we're coming in drunk and we're gonna drink there and everything run
you over hey you guys we're gonna we're gonna create a ruckus okay sir just you wait someone's
It's going to shit in your bathroom.
You're going to find it.
It's going to be a huge commotion.
On the commode.
All right, I'm hanging up.
Bye.
Say goodbye.
Bye.
This is the information.
It's almost last chance to say something.
What the hell?
What a goofball.
Goofball.
All right, fine.
Hey, stupid.
Hey, stupid.
What?
We're talking to him.
Lulo.
sounds like a drive-thru
sounds like the Waffle House
sounds like the wife
of another gentleman
I was waiting
yeah I was about to hang up
it took so long
excuse me we're kind of busy
with what what are you busy with
hmm
oh shit
who are you busy with
Uh-oh, that's not going to stand.
I think you found out.
I had my finger on the hang-up button, and I was saying, hanging up.
Oh, Brad didn't get his own reference.
Sorry.
Next.
You're just making it up anyway.
Assholes.
I was just copying your made-up thing.
It's a secret club.
Nobody can know it.
Cool story, guys.
Yeah, man!
Get around.
Clubhouse in West Glen, may I help you?
Quit fucking yelling.
Do I now?
Calm down, ma'am.
You're upsetting my son.
Can you calm down, please?
Can I calm down?
Quit yelling at me.
You're yelling too much and being too abrasive.
Calm down.
This doesn't look like she's washing dishes while she talks, though.
Waffle house, I need four waffles to go.
Please don't be rude.
I need four waffles to go.
I need two hots
I need one order of hash browns
wait excuse me can you hold on please
just a second okay
alright first to fuck up
you rude fucking bitch
hey don't call back
no I'm sorry I'm sorry it wasn't me
I thought we were on hold
you should call and say that
call her back and say that
sorry I thought it was on hold
sorry we were on hold we could talk shit
talk shit without getting it
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
Yeah.
Do what?
I want an order.
Now?
Yes.
You want an order?
A legitimate order?
Yeah.
One hash browns.
Okay, hang on just a second.
One hash browns.
Okay, yes.
No, no, no!
Hurry the fuck up.
Excuse me?
Oops.
Sorry, we thought we were on hold.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I'm their father.
They thought you were on hold.
I'm sorry.
Can I help you?
Yes, can I make an order, please?
um yeah can i get your number eight two one two oh one four eight two one what two oh one four
two oh one four all right i'll be right back attention all right honey let me just try to
get part of my order then you guys can go nuts all right i'm gonna do my thing with the hash
browns where i add ask it for a bunch of different ways it'll make no sense
You said nuts.
Oiled.
Because they do like smothered, covered, chunked, diced.
Yeah, deep fried.
I'm going to say oiled.
Do a side of Reese's.
That makes me hungry.
Deep fried dildos.
Oiled hash browns.
Inspected.
You do not Google deep fried dick.
Okay, what can I get you?
The first thing is I need a double order of hash browns.
I need them special.
An order of hash browns with what?
I need them doubled.
a double house cover covered smothered smashed boiled pickled captain what doubled i got that
double smothered covered cap uh-huh diced okay okay and uh inspected fired respected
oiled and what oiled oiled salted okay they that doesn't we don't do all i mean they come
I'm oiled anyway, but that's...
Machine? Machine?
What now?
Machine?
I can't.
Spaces?
Just a minute.
Okay.
Your toll is 849.
Okay, can I...
849?
849? Okay.
No, no.
Okay, look.
This, we're too busy to have prank calls.
I'm not prank calling, honey.
Please, I'm not prank calling.
We need that shit respected.
Please do not call back.
I mean it.
Do not call back.
Do you know what labia is?
Do you have labia?
Okay.
I had to hit that mute button real quick, like, after you said that.
we should get him to put the customers on the phone yeah next one call from corporate yeah
arby do a call you're hilarious she said uh please call back didn't she machined i don't
know why that was so funny to me it's because you're drunk that's probably it wasn't really
funny right it was offensive to some people yeah i'm really shaking right now i take my
I'm a machinist
and that kind of
That's why I'm the machine
I think I'm going to kick a cat right now
I'm so mad
Hi, yes, I'm calling
from the corporate office
I'm going to put Brad on the phone
He's supposed to speak
Hello, ma'am
This is Brad from the corporate office
I'm just calling to do the
weekly customer survey. Do you have a customer
there i could speak with just do a quick survey with them and they'll get a free coupon uh hold
on a minute okay this shit again oh they don't put us on hold remember sorry shit fucked it up
never gonna buy it now those hash browns better be motherfucking respected i'll respect yeah i'm
gonna do that in real life go to waffle house with a hidden camera who's gonna do the survey
not me hello yeah hey go ahead hey hi hi hi who are we speaking with pilot are you a customer
I sure am.
Okay, great.
Yeah, we're just doing a customer survey.
Would you like to do a quick customer survey and you get a free meal?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience there tonight?
About 7.
Bullshit.
Bullshit, you lying motherfucker.
Bullshit.
That's much higher than that.
Full of shit.
At least 7.5.
Because we've surveyed a bunch of people, and you're the only one to rate it 7, so you're full of shit.
We're watching on cameras, and we know exactly how well it's been going.
Fucking shit.
Actually, you need to leave right now
You need to just get up and leave
Tyler, I hope you get hit by a bus tonight
I hope when you're driving that ambulance
You fucking flip that shit
The white reference
Why don't you take the cock out of your mouth so I can hear you
I will not because I like suckling on it
Listen here, motherfucker
You talk to him like that again, you're gonna have a dick in your ass
Now you're a liar and a homophobe
You son of a bitch
And you better share with your mom
I'm gonna cum in your hair
She hung up the phone
That's awesome. That got morbid.
What call was that, Dwight?
You said, I hope you flip that fucking ambulance.
It was a JDF call.
I told him I was going to spin kick his...
I hope you flip that fucking ambulance.
Call an office.
This is Amanda. How may I help you?
Speak the fuck up.
We were talking.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
We're trying to have a conversation, bitch.
Yeah, it's so rude.
Don't interrupt us.
Tyrone
Hey don't be rude Tyrone
Hey Gonzales how are you
That's not Tyrone that's fucking Lysol
Hey Julio
Tyrone shoelaces
What's up Lysol wipe
We're calling from the corporate office
Hey stupid
We were having a conversation before you butted in
You ruined it
I do have the number down
I'm flaccid
Can you say back to us
That's impossible
Do you know your numbers?
It's a lot.
We started at 6-7 at home.
How about hopping up my mom's house?
Damn it.
What do we do now?
I couldn't understand him.
His lips were too heavy.
I was going to say, does he know how to read?
He wrote down our number next to the cotton gin.
Oh, my God.
Was that...
God.
God.
Brad.
That's messed up.
That's not...
That's nothing.
There's a cotton gin in the Waffle House.
Eli Whitney.
nothing wrong with that statement every waffle has a cut yeah it's like a chachki's place you
know we're hungry we're hungry people go there for the environment the cotton gins
yeah hi um we want to make the order okay i'll get for you uh one no he's mistaken we're calling
He's calling from the corporate office.
Oh, yeah.
He's drunk.
It's Saturday now.
We get to drink.
I've been cutting myself, and I have a lot of blood loss.
It feels great.
Are we doing three-way here?
Oh, no, ma'am.
No, we're actually calling from the corporate office.
More like eight-way.
We just need to do a quick customer survey.
Do you have a customer there we could speak with?
More like eight-way.
Do a quick survey.
Y'all going hard with that three-way.
You need to take it to dinner first.
Mm-hmm.
Ma'am, I don't play games.
What's your most expensive meal there?
The pork chop dinner?
I'm a casual cunt from the corporate office.
I don't play games.
We actually are ordering food.
I was just kidding about the corporate office.
Go ahead, Carlita.
What's your most expensive meal there?
The pork chop dinner?
No.
What is it then, dammit?
Huh?
What is it then, dammit?
Darn it.
Oh, that's the thing.
That's what we're off.
She didn't like that.
She didn't like dammit.
I think she was ethnic.
Normally, the second time, I'll just say, what is it then, to keep him from hanging up.
I was trying to be more assertive, but now I know why I don't do it.
The police department.
Oh, hi.
Yes.
Yes, hi.
We'd like to report it.
I need to make a report.
I don't think the police would hang up on you.
I don't think the police sounds like that.
Hey, let's send this recording to her local police and show them that she's impersonating the cops and get her arrested.
That's what the lady at the Guam sex shop started doing to me.
She'd answer and go, police department.
And the funny thing is, Baz wasn't prank calling them.
He just calls them when he's in Guam.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he keeps calling.
Looking for the magazines.
It's Kate.
He's on vacation in Guam and keeps calling about the magazines.
Can you call the UK?
What?
Can you call the UK?
What are you, Nunu?
Can I call the UK?
This is a prank show, not a UK show.
There's a lot of ass fans in the UK.
Imagine me yelling that in all caps.
Hello?
You should.
Yeah, would you like to make an order?
What time is it?
Oh, my ear hurts.
Can you speak up, motherfucker?
Talk into the goddamn phone.
You're holding it upside down, retard.
Are you holding the phone upside down?
You have a chicken somewhere where it shouldn't be?
Thank you, Mr. Pecker.
Hello?
All right, fuck you.
All right.
Next.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
Really?
She can't afford me.
It's almost like they get confused when five people talk at them.
It's weird.
I don't understand it.
That is true.
I never thought about that.
Like, on a normal phone, you probably wouldn't think Skype.
Like, what's going on?
They're like, the voices are coming true.
It's true.
Holly text voice, by the way.
What's that yodeling?
I like it.
I thought that's that one.
It's coming from out your window.
Shut up your butt.
Yeah, hello?
Ma'am?
Do what?
Do what?
Yeah, I ate there earlier and my asshole's bleeding.
That is all?
i just wanted to let you know so be careful he ate there he ate there about it he ate there and
he liked this and he liked all right there and you liked it and he liked all the ethnic uh african
girls that were there you dirty girl what color is it african server oh yeah please don't use
that like an african black speaking bonics regularly oh okay oh shit oh shit breaking
Hey, you got that sweet potato pie?
I gotta have a little pie.
Oh my god.
It's Matt. Yay, Matt.
Matt, yay!
Hey, Matt.
What's up?
Hey, Matt.
Maddie, how's it going?
Damn, that didn't kill me.
Did you have an awesome time?
Yeah.
Did you come back early or on time?
No, eight days.
Did you hit a foot on the lip of a thing in the hotel?
Yeah, going into the bathroom, there was like a little one-inch wood.
Oh, usually it's like on the outside.
It was the strangest thing.
It was like a little wall, you know?
just going into the bathroom and then i they had they didn't give me the handicap room so i
bitched about that and the cocky manager guy was he was like a piece of shit i'm like what are you
gonna do he's like well you accepted the other room i don't i can't give you a discount i can
maybe buy you guys a drink or something
I love this place.
It's fucking awesome.
Did you get his number?
No, we could call it.
That's for the manager.
Oh, yeah.
So you had to get him there.
So he's good.
Turn your injury in.
Make him pay for it.
And it was really hot in the room.
And what they did is they gave me a fucking fan.
Oh.
That was the big way to fix the problem.
Where'd you stay?
In the hospital?
Ooh, well, yeah.
We didn't leave the room.
Did you stay in a hostel?
Did you stay in a hostel?
No.
Come on.
You were supposed to put a bucket of ice in front of the fan, Matt.
There was no ice machine in the hotel.
You should have cut the cord off of the ice machine.
There was no ice machine.
You're always supposed to bring copper tubing with you,
and you run that from the ice machine to your room.
You wrap it around in front of your fan.
There was no ice machine.
Oh.
Are they third-world country?
They haven't invented ice yet?
It's just different there, I guess.
Yeah.
Very Euro.
Much achievement.
That's a house.
You're welcome to join, man.
Okay.
You sound jet-lagged, man.
I went to bed at like eight.
Can you...
Do you have the phone upside down, honey?
Do you have the phone upside down, honey?
You sound like, really like shit, you know?
She's putting her coconut phone.
Ma'am, can you hold, please?
One second.
I ain't calling my boss back, because that phone is ass.
Next, anyway.
I didn't hear.
It's just like...
It was like she said...
What's up, Cole?
Boots is all in here.
I can't...
Jag television.
Got bows here.
Okay.
I'm Eddie.
Oh, hey, Eddie.
Two ways.
Oh, okay.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Matt.
I'm Matt.
It's Leon.
Oh, hey, good.
Hi, Carlito.
Good.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
My rabbit escaped.
Oh, my God.
It ran out of the hole.
And my network adapter pooped out on my computer, so I couldn't get on the internet the past
few days.
Is the foot better?
Is the foot better?
Ah, no, it's taped up with electrical tape.
I had to eat an electrical tape for the next one.
Oh, my God.
Dude, they would have stopped you as a terrorist for sure, man.
You should have, like, taped a button to your foot.
Oh, my God.
How'd that get there?
I, um, they didn't go through, like, shit.
When you're, like, handicapped, Carlito, go, like,
Like, next time you fly, ask for wheelchair help.
Okay, hell yeah.
They just, like, issue you through, although you don't wait for any lines or anything.
They just, like, push you along.
And, like, they just, then they're, like, all crossing with people.
They're like, excuse me, excuse me.
Here comes the wheelchair.
Yeah, because they're ready to go back to get the next one.
Yeah.
So did you do the first class thing that I told you?
Did that work out?
No, it didn't work because I bought mine through Lufonza, who was just flying on an Atlanta or United site.
Is that a like or something?
Yeah.
And no, I was in Rose 39 on the way home, the very last seat.
It was kind of nice, though, because the bathroom was there.
And the ladies felt sorry for me.
So I got three beers for free
She felt sorry for you
Well, the different waitresses or stewardesses
They would, like, here you go, it's your birthday
Don't worry about it, right?
Here you go, I'd give them the credit card
And she'd be like, oh, just go on, love
One black lady just kept calling me love
You said it was Lufthansa?
Yeah
That German airline is Swedish.
Yeah, but I don't know what it is.
It was technically one of their flights, but our United did it.
I got it through Corbett's.
I shouldn't have went for it.
It is German.
It's from Germany.
Deutsche Distanz.
The city's running out of choices
Going nowhere fast
Don't carry voices
Okay
Hey, you should call that
Margie Brady lady
Hello
I'm gonna do the first one first
Hey, AMD, did you fix your shit?
Yeah, can you hear me now?
Yep, I hear you
What's up, bro?
Hi, AMD, I'm your friend
I'm just about to shoot
Hello, everybody
Sorry, I had some audio problems
But I think I fixed them now
So, sorted
all right doing prank calls uh simon in the united kingdom he's in a hotel right this is
what we're doing here dwight hotel
who wants to try not to talk over each other we got a lot of people on this call
we shall see this world this works out
next this is the margie brady one
watching the earth turn time on your side and got money to burn got a new watch i got
heat in the house got rhymes got beats no kids no spouse
beat my mouse
it's my turn baby i'ma turn it out it's my turn baby i'ma turn it out hello hello hey
Hey, Mergy, what are you doing?
It's Dwight.
It's Dwight.
So you stuck over there at the Love's truck stop?
Yeah, Dwight, I am.
Oh, shit.
You just happened to catch me at a good time.
I'm actually getting ready to come through fucking Arkansas.
I'm driving the truck.
I'll be down.
I've swung a rod.
I have blown a head gasket, one.
Oh, fuck.
And it's sitting here with a full tank of gas and $20 bill, and there's a hotel beside the Petro.
Yeah, $20 ain't going to get you shit unless it's some little slumlord motherfucking thing.
Well, it's a Super 8.
You know, it don't look bad.
But hell, I can't even car.
The fucking smoke is going everywhere.
Oh, fuck.
You know, did you, like, go in to pay for the gas and then come out and that happened?
No, it started whenever I came across the old bridge in Memphis.
Oh, my God.
Did you, like, pop the hood and make sure the blacks didn't steal your engine?
I didn't hear you.
Did you, like, did you pop the hood and make sure the blacks didn't steal your engine?
Because they do that.
Oh, Dwight, I didn't steal my engine.
It started rattling real bad.
I think what it did was it slung a rod.
Oh.
Because it was up once.
You know, I pulled it up on the Google machines, and I'm, like, a half hour away from you.
Oh, shit.
So I might pull into that truck stop because, you know, don't you got, like, a Hardee's or something in that truck stop?
It's that way, yeah.
Yeah, and I was going to stop and get something to eat and then, like, you know, fill the truck up.
And I thought maybe you can, like, get in the truck with me and, you know, maybe give me some fellatio services and then I'll give you the money.
Yeah, get in my truck and, you know, fucking blow my knob and I'll give you, like, 40, 50 bucks.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Why?
What? Okay, well, 50 bucks and we get the fuck.
I'm sorry, I don't play that game.
Well, come on, you know, I get to get my dick wet or, you know, I don't know if you're just dried up or whatever, but...
But I love you.
Huh?
I love you.
I know.
So, oh, maybe I'll hook your truck up and I'll tow that motherfucker down the road.
Do what?
Like, if I hook it up and just tow that piece of shit down the road, we could do that.
Well, fuck, that won't work either.
Why not?
All right, my final offer, I'll give you $30, you get in my truck, and I finger your pussy.
Nope.
But if I get you one of them hearty burgers, I'll get you the hearty burger, and then you suck my dick.
How about just a massage?
No, thank you, Dwight.
Just a massage, just a massage.
How about just a sniff your panties?
Oh, my God, that's for the win.
Dead man.
Your panties.
I don't think I quite got it in.
I heard a dinging.
She needs a good dinging.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What if we just sniff your panties?
No, let's don't do any of that.
Well, just a massage.
What if just a massage, then?
Just a massage.
Let me smell your fart.
How about just maybe take a peek in your knickers?
She posted something, said and asked for all this bullshit.
This is bullshit.
I'm not out here to do shit like that.
How about some blood play?
If you want to help, that's fine.
If you don't, keep your ideas to yourself.
Is she on her, is she on her?
Ma'am, Manny wants some blood play.
Can you do some blood play?
Are you down with that?
I cut you a little bit.
You can cut me a little.
Are you down with the crimson?
A little crimson play.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm in tiny chat.
Anybody wants to go there?
No.
I can't do group video.
No, I meant any listeners.
Because I'm on Eda's iPad.
Oh, man, my back's hurting me.
I'm out of numbers.
Do you guys want to keep going?
I'll have to scrounge up some shit.
Hey, you want me to want some UK numbers?
Yeah, oh, fuck yeah.
Grab some pretty quick.
Oh, yeah.
Give him some of those ass-mans.
Ass-mans.
No, I'm just going to get some random residents.
It's time to wake up.
I hate not being able to use my good computer.
I ordered a USB, what do you call it?
uh i can't think network card and uh a usb hub and then uh external hard drive
and uh windows 7 install disk i ordered all that this evening no problems
you had no problem i'm gonna try to get it back to normal
Oh, you ordered it.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you stole it today.
No, I stole some beers
at the hotel.
Alright, this is the first UK.
This is an award.
I finally
listened to that
Jerky Boys podcast
with the interviews.
From the Stern Show?
Yeah. Oh, is that what it was?
Oh, the podcast, you're saying.
Yeah, yeah.
The interview?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like a kook, because it's like we're like seeing out and shit in Amsterdam, and I'm listening to it, and I'm like laughing like a crazy man.
RB, if you go, or no, RB, if you fucking cross, if you go just above that, the one that ends in 1-0-0-0.
Yeah, 1,000, what's that?
It's an Australian number.
Okay, thank you, Mr. Secret.
Oh, which one is this?
Do I know this one?
Hello?
Hey, hello, I'd like to place an order.
Fucking Mother India.
Oh, that's Mother India?
Are they 24-7 place them?
Is that what's going on?
No, they're probably just getting ready to open.
He just hangs up.
That's all he does, just hangs up.
What a bitch.
Alright, next is E-Ward.
E-Ward.
E-Ward.
Mr. Morgan has numbers, she said.
Oh, nice. I bet you they're really nice, too.
All right, let me get those.
Thank you, Mr. Aspen Law, for lending me.
Send them in, Mr. Mistress, will you?
Please.
So I've got new signatures in my book.
Welcome to the botnet, and I'm Zach Shred.
wrote, 420
Blazer Faggot.
Did you get Edith to sign it? Yeah, yeah.
She wrote, I love you to Space
and Baggot.
Awesome.
Zach's 420 Blazer Faggot.
And welcome
to the botnet. It was so cool
hanging out with Dan.
Cool. Yeah.
Is he a cool dude in real life?
He's a cool fuck. He bought our food.
No, he's an asshole. Nice.
Yeah, he bought me beer
I didn't ask him to, he just snuck off and talked to the waiter.
He seems like a generalised guy, I've never had anything bad to say about him.
I was a bit distressed when he said that it was going to be late.
This is Emmy Award
Also known as New York
Nevermind
Oh, as an Oscar Award
The audio's pretty good on this
Is it?
Yeah, I just missed it
Why wouldn't they have group videos?
It's like, I know it.
Everyone's still here?
I'm still trying to get someone to pick up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Damn, here's Carter, A. Carter
So none of the wards picked up
Nope
This is a different town, maybe they're not as lazy
Hey, hello, Mr. Carter, thank God you picked up
I've been having a hell of a time here today
We've been calling these damn wards in London
And they're a bunch of lazy sods
They don't answer the damn phone
Thank God you answered the phone
and I thank you, sir.
I thank you.
He didn't like sod.
Somebody else will listen to me.
All right.
I drank so much fucking Heineken.
That didn't seem to be all you were drinking.
Don't fall behind.
I'm running from the sirens blaring.
I'm staring deep into the eyes.
What are you going to drink?
To ride them off the track bank
telling the rap composer.
Did you bring anything back with you?
Oh, no.
I should have because the way they didn't check.
Yeah, hi.
Is that Miss Carter?
Yes, who is this?
Oh, my name is Cross.
I'm calling from the Royal Service.
Yeah, hi.
No, no, I'm serious.
Sorry.
I can't tell you to pick up on this thing.
I should be back on the computer.
Sorry.
Tell her her son Brad is no good.
Yes, I'm Mr. Carter.
Yeah, we have your son Brad over here.
He's been doing bad things with the phone he has.
He hooked up a battery to the phone and was making free telephone calls.
He's the number two phone
hacksaw in the world.
He's using this box
that made him get
free phone calls on the telebooth.
You put your finger in it and you think
of the number and it calls it.
Try to whistle a
2600 hertz sound.
My mic working now. Have you seen him, sir?
Yeah, AMD, you're good. Cheers, man.
Cheers, buddy.
This is Mr. Carter. We have our representative
in the United Kingdom on the line.
Yes, it's Mr. AMD.
Hey, Brad, are you still here?
I'm still here.
Hello.
What was with that Weaknet thing?
Is that a red box?
Oh, um, Brevlin made some sort of box thing.
That's just the diagram to make it.
Oh, okay.
I think it's a blue box.
Yeah, that's because that's the cat that made the PLA apps, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, and he did a couple songs.
Oh, neat.
Songs, huh?
I got weird fucking book called Love in May as seen on General Hospital.
What?
That's book.
Writes with confidence of a novelist who's been around forever.
She brings charming character to life with effortless imagination and breezy good humor.
oh i watched this movie on the plane called mom's night out that i thought was going to
be some kind of raunchy comedy and it was like a like hidden christian movie
i saw jesus fish on the car and then
and it was like all about like
because moms have hard
they need to like hold it together
it's so
ridiculous
sounds like a pretty shitty
it was terrible man
I watched Godzilla
on the horrible little tiny screen
edited all badly
the new one? yeah
on what screen did you watch?
the little the shit
the airplane screen
well I mean I had the iPad
but I was just kind of like
Like, wanting to sit there and not have my tray down and, you know.
So fucking...
I think I was driving the guy crazy.
I think I got him to piss the shit, like, probably ten times.
Hello?
Yeah, hi.
Can we come in?
Hello?
Yeah, Matt needs to come in.
He needs to come in and piss the shit.
Yeah.
Is that okay?
Come on, man.
I think I drove the guy on the airplane.
Come on, man.
Crazy.
We're American travelers, man.
Yeah.
Come on.
We're travelers.
Come on.
Matty needs to piss and shit.
Who is it?
Thank you.
Very garbled.
What is it?
I am not garbled.
I'm drunk, sweetheart.
I need to come in and piss and shit.
Matt fucking Hillock, man.
He's kind of a big deal.
He's gone.
And he's a big deal.
I just can't complain.
It's a bad thing to get a word out.
Giddy's a mavelina when I'm talking about it.
He just doesn't know.
Kind of a big deal.
I need to keep losing.
losing connection to the chat room i need to make sure it's kind of a big deal
i'm wearing one right now that says hashtag get better for eda
then i'm gonna wear it to therapy get better for eda oh that's great we got three numbers left
let's hit them up and get out of here let's go home i am home feels nice kind of
Doesn't it get overtime, don't we?
Dude, that hotel room was so small.
What was it?
You didn't get any shit for smoking?
Uh, it said no smoking, no drugs.
I took a picture.
And, uh, um, no.
And then something said about a J on the, this little thing that was, um, like,
Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.
It looked like it was metal, but it was made in silver, so it fucking melted.
So there were burn marks in it.
Oops.
And the windows only opened a crack.
There were dual windows, and one opened, like, three inches on the right side,
and the other one opened, like, 15 inches on the left side.
So you had to, like, blow it down this, like, corridor of glass to go outside.
So you did edibles, you smoked pot, and you got some of those truffles, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Cool.
How'd you like the edibles?
Really enjoyed the space cakes.
Yeah, they were great.
Nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Is that Carter?
Might you be.
Oh, my name might be Cross.
And I'm Matt fucking Hillock.
How are you, sir?
I'm pretty good.
I'm pretty good.
That's a big heel.
That sounds so kissy.
I just got back from Amsterdam.
Very good.
Yeah, it was lovely.
Lovely. You ever been?
Many times.
Yeah.
It was good. It was my first trip there.
Yeah.
Very good.
I was talking about how much I enjoyed the cakes.
So what can I do for you on a Saturday morning?
I want to know what are your feelings on Brad Carter, your relative in the States, who's a phone hacksaw.
Yes.
Yeah.
He's not very bad.
You don't know Brad Carter. Look it up. Look it up. And he's a relative of yours.
Oh, he's lying.
Yeah, he knows. That's how those hacksaws do.
do they keep it below to the cuff they don't like docks out there he puts his sir are you afraid of
being doxxed are you hello sir are you yes uh don't be so stupid sir answer the questions
what am i am i a clown am i here to to abuse you wow i like that how is he funny funny how
How am I so fucking funny?
You know, words come out of your mouth.
Last one.
The last Carter.
You guys have fun with it.
I'm done.
Time my body thinks it is.
Welcome to BT Onsa 1571.
I spent a fair amount of time, like, semi-naked because it was hot there.
Oh, sure.
lounging around in the bed
it was a fucking lovely season
I miss it already
here's to next time maybe we get to all go
and enjoy
thanks everyone for being on including Brad
Laugh Track Matt, Big Baz
AMD, Steve
Aspinwall, Neon
and Kim I think that was everybody
so goodbye
bye
bye
comment appropriate on him to say that
goodnight everybody
Everybody, good morning.

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