Reported To The US Government

drill sergeant if you don't shut up i told before not to come call the police

you little monkey you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

i can guarantee you peace of mind i don't feel so peaceful huh hello yeah i'm in the bathroom

from here the man defecating over here it's melly can you do something about that funny

Neon, are you here? Neon. Neon.

I'm here. Hello.

She said very funny.

She did. I think she wanted to join in.

You talk to her. Warm up.

Wisconsin Libraries. May I help?

Hi. I have a question about your facilities there.

I'm going to be a new student.

Okay.

What are your hours today?

Are you specifically interested in Memorial Library or a different library?

The one that I'm calling, I don't know which one it is.

We answer for all the libraries, and the Memorial Library is the one that's across from the University Bookstore,

and we are open until 1145 tonight.

There is a library on campus, College Library, which is open 24 hours, except for Friday night and Saturday night.

Okay. I'll have to just come by, but how are your restroom facilities there?

I'm not sure what you're asking.

Are they usually pretty full? Is it, you know, you usually have a lot of traffic there, just anyway in general?

We have a large restroom. No, they're not usually full.

I can't hear you, ma'am.

May I ask why you're asking? Is there some special issue? I mean, because I'd be happy to give you more information about, you know, if there are special facilities that are required.

Mostly for disabled, you know, disabled people. Just wondering, you know, are you ADA specific or friendly?

Yes, we have ADA accessible bathrooms.

You do. Okay. Yeah, so you're open till 1145. Let's see, going to be majoring in computer science. Do you have a big computer lab?

We do have a computer lab. It's on the first floor. It's room 140.

Okay.

And you'll need your UW net ID to log on to those computers.

And that's only for students, correct?

Students, faculty, and staff.

Okay, do they have guest logins?

No, they do not.

They do not, okay, so definitely need to register.

Not in that special lab, but there are computers all in the rest of the library that are open.

Okay, I don't have a dorm just yet, and I'm working on that.

You were going back to the bathroom facilities.

Is it okay if I take a bath in the bathroom sink?

I don't believe so.

So I have a better number of the person who handles more security and building issues.

Oh, but I really like the library because it's quiet.

Right, right.

No, I'm not suggesting that you not use the library,

but someone that can answer more questions about the physical facilities in the library.

Especially your ladies' restrooms,

Are they adequately supplied with tampons and sanitary napkins?

I am not positive.

Are you kind of off that?

Is that why?

Are you in menopause?

Is that why?

I prefer not to answer any personal questions.

Okay.

Is there a baby changing station in the bathroom?

No.

Just for, oh, then that's not really ADA safe, is it?

Or friendly?

Because especially for like adults that have adult diapers and issues like that, I think that would be something you guys would want to have.

especially for students you know all ages yeah this is why i'm suggesting that i need to turn

you over to someone who has a better understanding of our facilities and let me get you that name

and a phone number and an email well don't give up on me i mean you know you said that you answered

the the calls for all the libraries i was just you know are you just a general information or

you just have no idea what's going on we have general information here but one of our best

Best Services is referring to the best person who can answer your questions.

Well, don't take that attitude with me, madam.

I mean, I'm just trying to, you know, you're not being very welcoming for me as a new student.

Just because I have some, you know, some issues that go along with me being a student, I don't really appreciate that.

I'm sorry if I've given that impression.

I would love to welcome you to the library, but giving you the best information is the best way I can welcome you.

okay and do you have um any positions available at the library for that um i would need to have

you look at our um i can give you first of all i'll give you the number of our oh fuck man you're

totally like you have no information you have no info i don't even know why you're answering the

phones did you just walk in today and just say i'm gonna sit on a telephone and just talk to

people i mean do you have any information you can give me anything aside from passing me off

off to someone else you're stupid and lazy and lazy and i think all you want to do is just pass

the buck on to someone else i can't believe you the audio her audio was really loud i'm hoping

it was just her call just her we'll see we'll do another one this is david yeah what's cheesing

what's that about that sounds stupid what what's cheesing who was cheesing chasing who was that

ad this is the cheese museum of art yeah who was it named after who was that asshole oh um it's a

a family from New York who was

who were donors.

Were they Jews? What? Were they Jews?

Are they Jews? I don't know.

This sounds Jewish. I don't know if

I want to be a part of this. Okay.

Yeah, I'm supposed to go down

there and show my art. Okay.

Do you know who it is I'm supposed to see when I get

there about my exhibit?

Who is this? Oh, this is

well, they call me the human, but

my real name is Eddie Cross. Okay.

Thank you. Have a good day. No, no, no, no.

It's Siri.

I got his name, and I hung up.

I took care of that.

Another issue handled.

Chase Museum, this is Melinda.

Yeah, I'm supposed to go down there and provide a living exhibit.

Tomorrow, I needed to know the details about the bathroom.

Who have you been speaking with about this?

Some Jew.

You know the Jew guy there?

I don't identify people using that as a criteria.

Do you have a name?

He's got like a big nose, like a big Jew nose.

You don't know who I'm talking about?

No, but I think you're offensive.

No, I don't notice.

Maybe if you find out the name, you can call back.

Ma'am, I'm Jewish.

I'm just trying to get the information about the location so I can figure out, you know, where I'm going to be.

This is going to be Saturday and Sunday between 11 and 5, I guess.

I'm going to be doing my art.

I put a big canvas on the ground, and I put the blue paint enema inside me, and I let it go.

All right, let me see if there's someone that can help you one moment.

Yeah, I'm going to shit out the paint.

Okay.

Big Jew nose.

I'm trying to find their staff.

Museum staff here.

Custodial.

Curatorial.

I thought it was custodial.

I'm going to find a Jewish name here.

Steve Johanowicz.

I guess that's pretty Jewish.

No, that's like Polish.

I don't think they have any Jews working here.

Sinfield, maybe?

Wanberg.

Wanberg, there you go.

That's a Kate.

He's a curator of education.

I don't think his last name was Chandra-Chan-Than-Than.

Chandra-Chan-Than.

I knew a guy whose last name was Chuck McAree.

We called him Chuck. Big Chuck.

He was a big guy. He had a heart attack at 40-something.

Like I'm going to.

Great way to handle it.

Worst museum ever.

He's a museum of art. This is David.

Yeah, I'm supposed to do the anal art museum exhibit there this weekend.

Can you please stop disconnecting me?

I was just talking to a woman there.

I was trying to get a hold of Marianne Fitzgerald.

Sure, one second.

Hey, listen.

Yep.

Hey, I just see, I mean, do you have power outlets there that I can use?

Because it's an electronic paint enema that I put in my anus before I release it and it goes on the paint canvas.

Then I do all five colors.

How many colors?

Yeah, it's five or six colors.

I do it to pack a bell's cannon.

Pack a bell's cannon.

Hello, Youth Free Massage Clinic.

our clinic is now closed therapeutic my ass theater called the orpheum i will pass place

called graze g-r-a-z-e a restaurant i'm guessing they just do vegetarian stuff that'd be my guess

let's look at their website and find out prepare myself probably been chilling bitchy people

menu let's see the concept that's better inspired by new york castro pub scene the menus feature a

range of classics executed in high level traditional grub food we chose the name

graze because grass-fed animals and rotational grazing are important to us yes they are all right

yeah do you have any you do all grass-fed there right you do all the grass-fed there damn it

yeah um we are a farm-to-table restaurant which means we source most of our food locally okay

shut up yeah because i want to feed my i just feed my wife grass and hay so i figured this

be the best way i just like i literally all she eats is grass and hay like i cut it outside i

I feed her the trimmings.

I cut the grass and feed her the trimmings.

Thank you for calling Graze.

How may I help you?

Why'd you hang up, asshole?

Hello?

Why'd you hang up on me?

I am messing with that motherfucker.

I'll pick a better target.

Graze.

Like, I really want to eat from this restaurant.

It's like, they show all the food, and then they show the animals, and then they show

the food again, and I'm like, ew.

They show you what you're eating for you.

Exactly.

Thank you for calling Madison Gas and Electric Company.

If you know the name of the person you wish to reach

and want to use our automated corporate directory, press 1.

To speak with a customer service representative, please stay on the line.

Okay.

Is that the number to the scammers with the vouchers?

I don't know.

Matt, is this gas and electric? This is Colleen.

Yeah, the computer doesn't go.

Hello?

Yeah, my computer doesn't go. What's going on?

What do you mean your computer doesn't go?

The power doesn't go on it, and I called the cable company, and they did troubleshooting,

and they said that the computer isn't powering on, and they said that's a power problem.

What is your address?

It's 1223 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

You need to send a truck over here to fix the computer, because it's not getting power, and you're the power.

Okay, you said, okay, hang on, sir.

You said 1223?

Goddammit, shit, dammit, fucking shit!

1223 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

trying to get a hold of madison gas and electric i'm trying to get a hold of you god damn it that's

why i'm on the phone with you motherfucker okay i'm sorry i'm not bringing up your street could

you spell the street please horse machine ranch road it's brand new it's a brand new subdivision

maybe you're stupid you don't have it in there yet okay are you trying to reach missouri gas

and electric i'm trying to reach you i say god damn it okay if you keep talking to me like that

that, I am going to hang up the phone. Okay. Can you look up Labia? Hello? What is this?

Labia Vulva? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm trying to bring up the address that you are giving me

does not come up in our system. Can you try looking up 112 Labia Vulva Vaz Deferens? I'm

sorry, sir. That's not in our system. You don't have any service in Vaz Deferens, the

city of Vaz? V-A-S? No, that's what I'm saying. I think you've got the wrong utility

facility company fucking shit this is the number it says on here on the power thing here okay on

the meter okay i'm trying to help it says i got the number on the meter motherfucker okay this

conversation i can't believe she actually looked at it i should ask her for names dolores this

conversation what about you neon do you hear better yeah yeah thank you for calling all of

of our representatives are assisting

other customers. Thank you. Please hold

and we will assist you as soon as

possible. You want to talk to Power Company?

Okay. Okay.

Hello? I think we're on hold

but I don't know. Broke it.

Forget it.

Ooh, a co-op.

Spell is celebrating their 40th

year.

This is

Valerie. Yeah, what do you mean?

Hello? What's co-op? This is a grocery store. Yeah, well, what's co-op mean? It's cooperative.

What's that mean? I said, damn it. It means that we're owned by our shoppers. Oh, yeah? Yes. So I

can just get what I need? Excuse me? I can just get what I need? Your phone is really hard to hear.

I can just get what I need? I can just get what I need? I said? Are you... Huh? You... I don't

understand the question. Do you have potatoes? Yes, we have potatoes. Yeah, and I can get

of potatoes there yeah if you're a non-owner there's just a five percent surcharge yeah

another than that is free no i own this place i own it you said it is owned by the owner by me

we are owned by our shoppers but yeah go you want to go home you can go home honey you can go home

early is there anything else i can help you with yeah i wanted to send you home i don't know what

you mean by that like you can go home you want to go home with pay i'm giving you permission i'm the

the owner i'm the boss i feel like you're being kind of rude and i don't really know how else i

can help you uh what about do you have labia there labia please don't call back labia you know what

it means wow you talk to them yeah if they pick up beast this is jesse speaking how can i help

you hi jesse um i'm new to the area um how what what what exactly does your um store carry our

Our store is, it's a focus on organic and natural foods, also local foods.

We're a grocery store cooperative, so we're owned by our owners.

You don't have to be an owner to shop here.

There is a 5% markup on top of what you buy if you're not an owner.

To buy in as an owner of the co-op, you can start a membership here for just $10 to start a one-year membership.

How is your produce there?

Okay, thank you for that, but how is your produce there?

I'm sorry?

How is your produce?

Actually, our produce is, I would honestly say that it's probably the best in town.

Right now, about 95% of what we have there is all organic.

Again, we do try to focus on local when we can, but certain things are hard to come by.

But we do have a very wide selection.

I like the organic stuff, but I'm looking for a lot of, like, longer-type vegetables, like cucumbers or eggplant, if I can bear it.

But do you have a lot of those?

We do have cucumbers.

What else do you carry?

Do you guys carry different types of water, or I'm just looking for a good place to shop.

Oh, you do.

So what kind of water do you have?

All kinds of waters.

So we have coconut water, regular water, aloe vera water.

Oh, you're singing my tune here.

Do you guys have coconut oil?

We do.

You do.

Have you ever tried coconut oil?

Me personally, no.

Is the water GMO free?

Yes.

It is?

How do you know?

Because it's not genetically modified.

Oh, okay.

Well, you never know these days, especially.

Anywho, I'm looking for, well, see, I really liked what you said.

I'm totally turned up because you said coconut water and that kind of merges two things that I

really like which are coconut oil and water so do you think that it could be used as a good

natural lubricant really he held that long just to hang out I think he was gay

shit it's the water gluten-free right so gluten-free water they should put that on water

gluten-free there's a selling point why not they put a fat-free on chocolate

i think i'm done with the show all right bye i'm bored you're all boring me

i'm looking for more numbers what about those two that i put in there oh yeah

starting with the scammers you're trying to scam me

you know who daniel dark is trying to add me on it's joke fiend 183 i think he's trying to add

me as joke fiend i don't know that guy i added steve aspenwall steve aspenwall and it was a

a mistake this is weird shit copy that number now yeah i need help with the computer it said

i need to help you it said my computer doesn't go to call this number for help i'm trying to

get to the website it doesn't open can i have your phone yeah daniel dark can i have your phone

phone number uh yeah it's 676-2448 i'm asking your phone number your phone number is that your

phone number you said a phone number can i get a phone number you said no no give me your phone

number so i will call you back no you can't call me back you have to handle it now because sir this

is a server line and it will going to be disconnected at any point of time it's a federal

i'm asking about your phone number so i will call you back no no handle now transfer me now

Look, do you want to get my computer or not?

You motherfucker.

No, you motherfucker.

Those are the scammers, and they do.

They call you back relentlessly, because I gave them my Skype number.

I was Skyping number once, and they kept calling so much for like a week.

Call them back.

We got one.

You motherfucker.

We're calling Texas.

May I help you?

Fixed computer.

Hi, sir.

I'm having problems with my computer.

Do you think that you could help me?

Yes.

Can you help me, please?

I'm having problems accessing the blue E.

I can't access

you know that program

it has the big blue E on it

I can't get in

I think it's the internet

I can't get onto it

here we go

area code 206

-4218.

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

Why did they hang up?

They just always want to call you back.

That's the way their scam works.

Oh, okay.

They call you back.

they're like in this sweatshop probably in india call numbers so you can beat thank you for calling

tech support how may i help you thank you for hanging up on me i need help i need help i can't

get my website to go you hung up right can i have your first and last name um my name is

tits mcgee and i can't get my website i need to make my phone number you didn't even make

make note of the name asshole hello what's her name what's her name my name is david

yeah right what is it really hello what's your real name is your name david miller and you're

calling with west coast cash no yeah david's yours this is an independent company indian

pendant an india pendant uh-huh we get it that's funny

hello india pendant company i'm trying to get to my website and it's dot xxx

x can you help me or are you just gonna sit down with the pictures i will call you back i don't

need a phone number i'm asking for help now sorry ma'am this is a server line and it will

disconnect at any point of time you call me miss you don't know me motherfucker you don't know my

fucking life motherfucker you don't use abusing language otherwise i will call to the u.s you

don't even speak english and i will go into you don't even speak english what do you know about

wait a minute

what are you going to do

this line is recording

if you keep using this language

I will lodge a complaint to the US government

and this is recorded right now

you're going to report this to the US government

this line is recorded

you're going to report this to the US government

this is recording right now

every line is recorded

I'm recording too

are you bhenchod

that's ok

you are using the abusing language

if you contacted the US government

government they'd send you back they're in india i'm gonna contact the u.s i'll contact the u.s

government and they will get you

oh my god if you are using language i will report this call to the u.s government and we are

recording the calls right i'm sure the u.s government's gonna give a toss not believe

leave he said that that is hilarious the embassy as we speak yeah right now that's where he's on

he's like okay guys i go to embassy now to report new call i'm sick of it i take tape

and i take to play for them look you people call me

all right american jewelry alone these guys always get mad says dashie

or you did, I guess.

Dashie.

Dashie did.

Okay, good.

We'll call that place back later.

That's fucking awesome.

I will report you to the U.S. government.

I almost just fucking lost it.

I will report you to government.

They will not be happy.

They will take recording and trash you.

Thank you for calling American Jewelry and Loan.

We are located on Greenfield,

one block south of 8 Mile.

Our regular business hours are

Our regular business hours are 9.30 a.m. till 6 o'clock p.m. Monday through Saturday, and we are located on Greenfield, one block south of 8 Mile.

Our regular business hours are 9.30 a.m. till 6 o'clock p.m. Monday through Saturday, and we are closed on Sunday.

For the loan department, press 1.

For layaway, press 2.

For jewelry sales, please.

I would climb the garden wall with a candle in my hand.

Yes.

I'd run into a hall of rock and sand.

I'm dipping into my strategic reserves right now.

Okay, two songs at the same time, Carlito.

Doesn't make for good radio.

We're not androids like Lieutenant Commander Data.

Currently, all loan associates are busy assisting other callers.

If you are calling for a quote on a product to loan,

we do not provide pricing information over the phone.

Please bring the product into the store.

If you are calling about a loan you already have or an extension,

Please remain on the line for the next available associate.

Oh, shut up.

So Dashie says that yesterday he said he was going to report you guys to the FBI.

Were you on that conference?

Uh-uh. I wasn't there yet.

Oh, my God.

I will call FBI.

FBI help.

I'm trying to scam Americans and they call me.

Make it fast.

It's just like this.

Ah!

He crunched me.

I wake up, my pants are buttoned.

That's the best story

He went to the dentist

The dentist sat him down

Punched him in the face

Gave him the laughing gas

And when he woke up his pants were unbuttoned

And his teeth were all broken

And they kicked him out of the back of the dentist's office

That was the premise of that prank

That's the one where the lady's like

Sir you need to get it together

Yeah

I need a lawyer

I wake up my pants

Can you imagine going to the dentist

You wake up your pants are unbuttoned

That happens though

Yeah to women

Well my dentist asked me to get to my underwear

I don't know why

But it's his rule

He's like please

I need you to put this robe on

And get in your underwear

They didn't ask me to put a robe on

They just said to

Show your tits

Sure.

That was an episode of Golden Girls

where one of them was going to the dentist

and the dentist was like, wow.

He kept looking at her tits.

It's probably Blanche.

No, it was the Betty White one.

Whoever her name is.

Oh, Blanche would be all over it.

Blanche would be like, yeah, doctor, take me.

She was a whore.

I would have fucked her back then.

Blanche, fuck you.

You would have too.

Yeah.

She looked like

She was the slutty one right

Yes

She was the southern belle

Southern belle

She looks like she beat by

I should try it

I should try that next time Sloth

I should bring my own strips to the dentist

Because nothing says you're going to have a good

Sit up there

They come in and you're like

Please remain on the line for the next available

associate. All calls will be

answered in the order in which they were received

Oh shit

He said a dentist chair has stirrups

and I'd be like uh

It's like Jayad said he had to use

his stirrups when he got his

his vast deference cut

Oh

Dude

like those things are no joke

Carlito watches Golden Girls

I saw it when I was a kid

Like it was always

Either in syndication

Or when it was on

NBC dude

It was just on

It was TV back then

Definitely

I was a kid man

A kid of the 80s

I hate you

I feel like I watch it now

I like watching

Mr. Belvedere

Yeah

Mr. Belvedere

And

Sometimes Give Me A Break

That one was okay

I forgot about

What was the one with the girls

The four girls

um facts of life facts of life yeah oh yeah even when it got to george clooney

i don't remember this see i don't remember the cameos like that but oh well that was like in

the 90s like when they got out of the school and they started they opened that restaurant

oh yeah they were fucking george clooney no he was just like the the guy that would just like

help out around there and mackenzie aston came out there was the big girl there was 2d was a

the black girl right i remember the big girl there was um claire was the snooty when joe was the dyke

yeah dude give me a break i forgot about i was great now carter i think she's dead she passed

a few yeah she's dead she was a black jew disgusting right what's up with that i'm sorry

it's horrible oh my god so was the candy man what's his name who was the rat pack the

a black rat packer oh um sammy davis jr yes he was a jr who can make the sunrise

cuckoo baby

tommy davidson dude sammy davis jr fuck yes no really holy shit on in living color yes

i have a torrent i downloaded all the living color episodes i have to check that out

i haven't watched them i downloaded every single iron chef man i think i talked about this already

every all the old classic iron chef we got all those motherfuckers i love that shit nice are

we gonna keep holding i forgot we were holding i didn't realize oh no i don't think they ever

picked up shit let's call the scammers again why not sorry i wasn't paying attention i gotta pee too

I can answer questions

How about I connect this to the scammers

While I go pee

And if they hang up in the meantime

Then I answer questions

Cool

You got my back

Thanks bro

Okay I'm going bye

Hi is this David

Is this David

I just called

And I said you would help

We got disconnected

You were going to help me with my internet

How may I help you?

I'm trying to make my blue E go.

So do you have a problem?

I do. I can't get on the blue E.

Which software do you have a problem?

What's that?

Which software do you have a problem?

What type of problem do you have?

It's not making the Internet machine go.

I try to get on the computer, and it says it cannot be connected,

and I keep hitting that little blue E that's down on my computer,

computer and i'm really confused you're not ready ma'am you're not ready you call me back

oh no well can you help me now i really need help now david are you there okay cool i can't tell

because it's not on my end okay question time okay dust bernadette gladys knight or tony

brexton uh depends on the mood i'm a mexican restaurant do you run out of chips i think

chips first dust huh i'm answering questions the guy hung up oh how'd it go he didn't do

do anything he just i couldn't even hear it hang up oh okay i'm like hello sorry i had to feed the

cat too david gets real upset if he doesn't get his lunch and he did i don't feed him lunch every

day and i skipped their lunch yesterday was lunch skip day for them he was not happy he'll knock

stuff down off tables i should try to get my attention especially in the mornings like if

he thinks i should have been up to feed him already he will get on the dresser and knock

it down knocks down all my colognes and my deodorant because you don't use those anyway

right no okay but they'll be they'll be like like i might leave a cup of water next to my nightstand

he'll knock that down water everywhere and shit you can't leave you can only leave water out

overnight because if he gets upset he knocks it down that's going on the floor and if it's

something like it was something red like juice or something you forget it oh he's he's done that

before he's a little shit oh your cat's big dobby's an orange cat so he's kind of big chloe's

as well. Dobby's the asshole.

Chloe just sits. I think Chloe tells him

to do their shit, because she's food

aggressive. Okay, anyway.

I need to know this, because if I get a cat,

I need to know this. You do. It depends on the

cat's personality, too.

I want a bitchy cat. Okay, we're trying

the American Jewelry again, because supposedly

they get mad. We'll see if they pick up this time.

Thank you for calling American Jewelry

and Loan. We are located on

Greenfield. I'm doing layaways.

It's his birthday. Hi, this is Nihao. Nihao.

Nihao. Nihao. I wanted to make

an order sure one duck one duck hello yeah i want a duck oh yes we have a half duck and a whole duck

i want the whole dog so i can it uh the whole dog come with a um duck soup and a

kumi duck booms and half that is just come with a soup does the duck the duck have a nice

yeah does the duck have a nice nice tight vagina does the duck have a nice vagina a nice

tight vagina for me to use sorry i don't understand do you know what is vagina vagina yeah so i said

the halfback is just committed soup yeah vagina vagina you know vagina vagina we don't have a

vagina no oh no you don't know what vagina is no a duck vagina what do you have between your legs

so you want other halfback or whole duck uh a whole duck a whole duck i want you to make two

Two dogs, like, they're on top of each other having sex.

You know what that means?

Oh, sorry, sir.

Sorry, I have to...

Sorry, bye.

I have to...

Okay, bye.

Okay.

She had to go.

Hello?

Yeah, do you have B?

What?

What do you say?

We have beef?

Yeah, we do.

No, no, no, B.

So what do you favor?

B-I?

B?

Or G-I?

No, we don't have that.

G-I?

No, we don't have that.

Shabby?

What do you fucking want to know?

I want to know if you have...

What the fuck do you want to say?

I want, do you have yin dao?

What the fuck do you want to say?

Yin dao.

What do you want to say?

I want yin dao.

You want what?

The duck yin dao.

You just follow the beach and shut up.

Just forget my phone number.

I just take care of here.

You fucking shithead.

What the fuck?

That escalated fast.

Yeah, because I was saying words for vagina in Mandarin Chinese.

I guess you figured it out.

What the fuck?

Yo, come out here.

Hello?

Is that Palace?

Da Yima?

Hello?

Da Yima?

Sorry, I don't understand.

Do you have daima?

Sir, if you call this number again, I have to tell the policeman.

Tell them about yin dao.

Yin dao.

Yeah, yin dao.

Yin dao.

Vagina.

Yin dao.

Medical term for vagina.

I think they understood these things I said.

You call police department.

You want to talk to them, sir?

Nian's going to talk to them.

Yay.

I'm here.

hello hi sir how are you today good good are you taking orders how are you doing i'm doing fine

thank you are you taking orders oh yes of course you are um that's nice um are you going on a break

soon sorry are you going on a break soon uh no you're not i'm around the corner i thought that

maybe we could meet up i've been going into your restaurant for a while oh yeah that's better

that's better what does that mean i said i've been going into your restaurant for a while and

And I've noticed you.

Do you want to meet up?

Yeah, so if you want to come here, it's better.

Oh, you want me to come to you?

Yes, that's better.

Are you interested?

Yes, of course.

You like girls?

Come on, you can talk about that.

Oh, sorry about what?

Sorry about what?

Sorry, I like girls.

Maybe her wife, his wife, showed up.

Oh, shit.

And he said, sorry about that.

Call back, I want to talk to this guy again.

All right.

He's like, oh, yeah, it'd be better if you'd come to me.

Oh, yeah, it's safer.

I don't stink their answer.

Nope.

Se jodió.

Next.

Mexican.

You're so Mexican.

I'm not Mexican.

That was Mexican, what you just said.

A la chingada.

A pierna, putanos.

Um, numbers, right?

Yeah.

I'm going to kill you.

He's saying he's going to kill you for calling him a cat.

His song is Don't Call Me Cat.

Looking for a number.

I got a deli and ice cream parlor.

I want to compare myself to the little mouse, because the mouse eats cheese, because the cheese is given by the cow.

Two tarros, the cow has two horns.

I wanted to tell you, tarros.

Ella's Deli.

A complete copy of our menu is available online at ellasdeli.com.

Like us on Facebook for online-only giveaways and specials.

For hours of operation, press 1.

For to-go orders or to speak with a host staff, press 0.

oh stop it's that oh midwestern like fargo is that don't you know balance deal child seeking

hey how you doing don't you know what you say how you doing don't you know i don't know how i'm doing

stupid i want to make an order who is this oh this is eddie i like to make an order eddie you

talk to people like that i'm a big fan i'm a big fan i'm sorry i'm a big fan a big fan of ellis

Yeah, I love that place.

I love your place.

God, yeah.

So good.

I love everything there.

Okay, let's take the order, and I'll say as professional as I can.

Go right ahead, please.

Okay, effeminate boy.

I like, let's see here, one ice cream.

Look, sir, sir, I promise you.

Did you call me stupid, and you just called me effeminate boy?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I think you misheard.

I wanted to make an order, sir.

I don't want to say that I'm bisexual myself.

I wouldn't say anything like that.

If I did, that wouldn't mean an offense.

Okay, why don't we just reframe?

so let's take the order then okay uh one sweet and sour cabbage bowl okay boy you got that yep

all right one vegetarian soup bowl chicken matzo ball noodle bowl okay okay chicken matzo ball

bowl other one had noodles in it correct yep one noodle one without one nosh platter for two

one french fried dill pickle order regular order okay one kugel one cheese fries

Mm-hmm.

One breaded mushrooms.

One fried cheese sticks.

I don't think we have cheese sticks anymore.

I think we replaced them.

Okay.

Do you have kosher dill pickle spears?

We'll see.

I know they got them sliced.

I don't know if they have a hole.

Okay.

All right.

Chicken strip.

Okay.

All right.

One home-style onion rings.

So chicken strips.

Yeah.

And one hard-boiled eggs and Russian dressing.

And the last thing is one chopped liver or pickled herring.

Chicken strip, boiled egg.

What was the other one?

the french dressing yeah hard-boiled egg with french dressing and then the chopped liver or

pickled herring liver and pickle herring well just chopped liver then i guess if it's or

okay okay and what's the yeah i'm gonna read that back to you could you hold please

all right motherfucker okay i can't i can't handle this no no come on i need come on i just gave you

the order i was gonna tell him to shove it up his ass at the end after this i'll see if i can get

him to come on i'm sorry you tell him tell him you're sorry about your husband hello thank you

Thank you for calling Ella's Dose.

Okay.

Now please give me the order.

A complete copy of our menu is available.

Let me give you the total.

I'm sorry.

That was not a valid entry.

Yes, it was.

What were the options again?

Zero.

You gotta hit zero.

Could you hold, please?

Okay.

That was fast.

Royale with cheese in the chat room.

I think I might get one of those at McDonald's today.

I'm gonna be bad.

A what?

A Royale with cheese at McDonald's.

What's that?

A double quarter pounder with cheese.

You've never seen quarter pounder with cheese?

You've never seen fucking Pulp Fiction, dude?

Oh, I didn't like that movie.

it was boring it took me four times to get through the whole movie but i watched i got through like

half of it yeah i didn't fuck i can't do this for years i was i was like god it's just everyone

loves it but i just i know my husband loves that movie and i'm like i can't watch this he's like

you're almost done with it i'm like oh yeah i know okay i'll have to watch it again i said

that's the same way finally while i have three years i finally saw like it complete i was like

oh i just like i liked samuel lx and say what again motherfucker that's a good scene that one

one in the very the very last like uh scene in the diner seemed pretty cool i've never seen

reservoir dogs i need to see that one too i saw that once a long time ago it's pretty good that

one i saw the kill bills those were good i've said before in the year that i'm over what's his face

anyway i'm done you're over quentin tarantino yeah it's just i don't know yeah he's a little

too i didn't see jingo unchained i didn't i heard stuff about it i mean i'm sure it's a good movie

but it's just he's doing the same old tired thing kind of like you could say oh well he went from a

hitler movie of this to that or a nazi movie to a slavery movie this and that but still it's just

it's starting to become like tom hanks and steven spielberg where all they do is world war ii shit

yeah well even it's just like the feel of like he's got a definite feel to his movie like movies

like tim burton has that when you're watching a tim burton movie you know you're watching a tim

burton movie the music the angles the shots danny alfman music hell yeah like you know and

And I'm just over that, and I'm just starting to feel kind of burnt out on Tarantino's style.

I don't know.

And I've heard interviews with him.

He just seems like such a dork.

Like, not a nerd in a geeky, cool kind of way, but just a dork, like, asshole way.

What happened with these people?

I don't know.

The guy, like, when I...

Are we still on hold?

Yeah.

I'm calling back.

No, Desperate and Dead.

I've never been addicted to a substance.

Hello.

Thank you for calling Alice Daly.

A complete copy of our menu is available.

I'm

sorry that was not a valid entry maybe you have to wait for

the option to come up neon i hit zero and it didn't work okay well maybe wait for the option

to come up uh nobody got time for that nobody got time for that john speaking hi john um i just

wanted to call back uh my husband was making an order and um he was hung up on i think he was

using some profanity no uh ma'am i'm gonna let you talk to my uh manager uh he cussed at me three

times i'm sorry sir i'm sorry he has two rats i'm very sorry something medically or something or is

Did you just hear me?

It was a really big order.

I'm doing the order.

Are you speaking over me?

I'm trying to talk to you.

He has Tourette's Syndrome.

Hello?

Hello.

Yes.

He has Tourette's Syndrome, so I'm trying to apologize for that.

You don't need to be rude to me either.

I have done nothing to you.

I wasn't being rude to you.

Okay.

Well, let's start this over then.

Do you have the total for that order?

We were talking at the same time.

I apologize for talking at the same time, but you have to understand my understanding

that we were talking to him

and he cussed at me

three different times

and just late, late.

So I don't know.

He has to,

I can't judge from the phone

that someone has that.

I just said that I couldn't help him.

Okay, well, don't cry about it.

I'm just trying to tell you

that that's what happened

and we can move forward.

I only cursed twice.

Effeminate is not.

What did you do to him?

Jeez.

You heard.

I said he was effeminate

and he said feminine.

You don't call me feminine too.

That was the second one

when I called him feminine.

Come on, man.

What a baby.

I know, like, don't cry about it.

She cursed at me three times.

Manager, I had to be cursed when I got here.

My pants are down.

You take all the encouragement.

You buttoned my pants.

Okay, go home, sir.

Go home.

Go home, boy.

I like the magician one where...

The Egyptian magician.

Yeah, the Egyptian magician.

When he has the lion look.

The monkey.

That's all he did, that guy.

That was the only voice he ever had.

One trick pony.

Because those were, like, minority voices.

Yeah.

I like the gay voices and stuff.

Like, it was so shocking.

Like, oh my god, he's gay.

Oh, booster.

I just want to dance, motherfucker.

We still do that shit, though.

Homosexuality.

That's taboo.

That makes it funny.

A gay guy calling up a boiling potatoes and munching them in someone's asshole.

Well, that's fun, though.

That's still funny.

What item do I lose most frequently?

Um, I have, like, kind of long hair, so I lose the, um, rubber band thingies.

I put them all on my wrist, but sometimes I lose them, and bobby pins.

You lose your hair.

I don't want to lose my hair.

You lose the scrunchies.

Do you use scrunchies?

No one uses scrunchies, right?

That's old school.

No, no scrunchies.

I use the, they're just like, they're like.

Yeah, they're like hotel-type things.

Yeah, scrunchies are September 10th.

No one uses that shit.

Here's a diary.

cursed at him three times

they're not picking up at the

internet tech support scammers

oh shit

I could change my caller ID but I'm too lazy right now

that requires opening a browser window

fuck that

yeah I'd like to make an order

sure what can we get you

one egg

can you not talk so loud please

you're making the levels what's that the levels are going in the red can you not talk so fucking

loud levels on the bread yeah can you not talk so loud please damn it uh this is a normal talk

yeah well don't be settled down okay you want to sit down have a glass of water first

are you okay hello yeah what do you need uh ordering one egg okay anything else did you

want to know how i want the egg yeah cooked no cooked how would you like it cooked with heat

Oh, I'm so tired of this joke already.

Hello?

I really am getting bored of that shit.

I like the kid when I have a seat, have a glass of water, settle down.

Seriously, it's too loud.

Oh my god.

I was at a store one time and the clerk was like all pissy and emo and shit and told like

the customer, can you, excuse me, can you be a little less animated?

Really?

Yes.

Wow.

So these kids were like fucking around.

I was at Amoeba Music and kids were fucking around and stuff.

He's like, excuse me, can you guys be a little less animated?

Like, oh shit.

Seriously, calm the fuck down.

Okay, McDonald's anyone?

You want to talk to McDonald's?

Okay.

I've never heard it as a Royale.

Yeah, that's what they have to call in our friends.

That's because they're dumb.

Hi, do you guys have Royales there?

Do you have Royales?

Royale?

The Royale sandwich, you don't have that yet?

I'm sorry, we don't.

Okay, it's actually a double quarter pounder with cheese.

The pounder?

Yeah, it's a Royale.

It's a Royale in France.

They call it QPC over there.

Oh, no, we do have a double quarter pound where she is.

Okay, it's the same thing.

Let's see.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and make an order,

and can you have it ready for me when I get there?

Do you guys use animal fat in your oil?

I'm going, like, organic.

Did you just laugh?

Did you just laugh because I said organic and I'm calling McDonald's?

That's great.

Yeah, you can hear me.

Hello.

Can you bake the fries, please?

Can you bake them?

Do you have an oven?

I bet you there's not one oven in that motherfucker.

Hello?

Yeah, can you bake the fries, please?

Can you set the fryer to bake?

We can't.

Oh, shit.

There goes that idea.

Well, I guess we can't go to McDonald's, because if we get a meal, it comes with the fries.

What are we going to do?

I know, and fries are fried.

What the fuck?

Can you throw the ice cream in the deep fryer?

Fried ice cream.

No, I'm sorry.

We can't.

Oh, wait.

No, there is such thing as fried ice cream.

Why can't you?

Can you put a cup of ice inside the fryer?

We don't make fried ice cream here.

Can we have fried ice?

can you throw the register away

dust burn it

it's a little trash

I remember a few years back when

on a conference Applebee's got called

and told to dump all their meat

in the dumpster and pour

bleach on it and they did it

and it was like a Friday like right

before like a week like right at the weekend

oh shit yeah I remember I forgot who did

that I think that may have been Rob the Hyena

I don't know maybe not

it was like legend and then it was some of those

Those old salty cats from the PLA.

The old guys.

Yeah, they did that shit.

It was hilarious.

That was shit.

Brad was kind of like,

all right, that's kind of fucked up.

It was a lot of food and money.

Yeah, but they conned them right in.

They're like, yeah,

we're going to shit right in the dumpster.

Yeah, fried ice.

That'll probably burn the place down.

That'd be popping in their eyes.

That'd be awesome.

No one's going to do that.

Like, I need to hear you throw it in there.

Oh, okay.

take the phone with you this is the corporate office we need you to run ice to the fryer to

clean it okay well it's on so make sure it works yep all right

here's a granger granger granger i see the trucks all over the place i have no idea what they do do

you have any clue um oh god i think it's like heavy duty commercial equipment or something

yeah i think they rent out the shit maybe let me see industrial supply oh you're right yeah

batteries they got here lubrication yeah hand tools they got lubrication storage all right

let's call for some lubricants huh okay let's call a couple looking for lubes and then i'm

gonna give them the code number for this let's see let's find one uh grease i'm under greases

should i get penetrants and lubricants all right i'll do that

and and nothing came up it came up with batteries that makes sense

abrasives to use as lubricants great website guys

penetrance and lubrications here we go and then i've got a multi-purpose grease

by mobile mobile see if they have a code number i can give them here to look at

category temperature range it should be like a skew here right

Yep, item number.

We're good.

All right, let's do it.

Hierro.

Only in Spanish music can some guy yell iron, and it sounds cool.

Azúcar.

Yeah, or sugar.

Sugar!

I can't imagine a shit English music.

Thank you for calling Grainger.

Did you know you can now check real-time shipping and pickup availability on Grainger.com?

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Thank you for calling WW Granger.

www.granger.com

I can see why they just have Granger on their site because it would be www.wwgranger.com

www.wwgranger.com

www.

www is stupid because it actually takes longer to say that than World Wide Web.

You should time it.

I know for a while people used to say W's ad.

They were trying to get that to start and everything fell off.

Sorry for the delay.

please remain on the line your call will be answered by the next available

you're calling granger my name is sean how can i help you i have product number all right what

are you looking for item number one mike utah charlie two one mike utah charlie two yeah my

wife is on the line we want to use this in bed we wanted to know if it's applicable let's see

what we're looking at here i think that ought to work just fine that's a lot of it there

Okay, so five gallons.

Yeah, that's how to do it.

This is a good lubricant?

I think so.

Okay, will it stain probably?

I think it would.

Okay.

Have you used it before, sir?

No, I haven't.

We used to use 5-EVZO.

Oh, Z-Zero, but 5-Echo-Victor-Zulu-Zero.

We used to use that.

Just wasn't enough.

Yeah, it's not holding up anymore.

It has a very high heating point.

heating point well you will be the first that i know of that i use it for that application but uh

oh we saw it in the german we saw it in a german video that we picked up in an adult store

i would believe anything that you told me though to be honest you don't i'm more than happy to sell

it i'm more than happy to sell it to you all right can you please check another one yeah absolutely

seven delta foxtrot one zero yeah can you tell me what that is please that appears to be a toilet

Okay.

And this is a good toilet?

Yeah.

What are you using it for?

For defecation.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Can you explain how it works?

Yeah, it's just standard.

I'm not a plumber, but I could certainly bring on a plumber if we need to.

You have a plumber there?

Yeah.

Yeah, because is this the kind where the handle is depressed, the flush valve chain opens,

and the flush valve opens long enough for all the water in the tank,

Usually like two gallons to rush into the toilet bowl

And then it just goes down

The cocky goes down

And then all the water gets siphoned through a tube

Connected to the sewer

Is that how it works?

And it goes out of the bowl

And the shit comes out of the toilet

And goes into the sewer system

Yes, yes, I believe so

Okay, yeah, can you connect the plumber

So I can get into more details then?

Yeah, absolutely

And who am I speaking with?

Cross

One more time?

Cross

How do you spell that?

C-R-O-S-S

And your wife's name?

Wife

My name is Leah.

Okay.

Thanks, guys.

Be right back.

Bye, honey.

By the way, Neon, next time a woman answers, I want you to take over and say,

Hey, honey, baby.

See how they react.

All righty.

You know I can usually sniff them out.

I know which ones are the freaks.

I got into the science of toiletry.

And I will ask about the Coriolis effect.

The impact of an emergency is planning.

But sometimes even the best plan just isn't enough.

That's why it's good to know you can reach Grainger anytime, 24-7.

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Once again, our toll-free line is 1-800-CALL-WWG.

We're available when you need us any time to access the products or services required.

Nan, did you know during a lifetime, 75% of all women are likely to have at least one yeast infection

and up to 45% have two or more?

Mm-hmm.

Things get crazy down there.

Yep, this hour of Madhouse Radio is brought to you by Yeast Infection Facts to Know over at HowStuffWorks.com.

Be sure to visit them and tell them Madhouse at you.

Show prostate health.

Professionals like you turn to Grainger for your industrial needs.

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Ask your Grainger representative about Dayton, Westward, Condors.

Speedair, LumaPro, PowerPurse,

Toughguy, and AirHandler

today. I'm sticking. I want to talk to a plumber, dude.

Just call and get someone else. Fuck it, right?

Yeah. Go get somebody else. You don't have that much time.

It's taking too long. Yeah, I only got...

Oh, shit. I only got less than half an hour.

I gotta get ready. So bounce

your tits around. Thank you for calling

Grainger. Did you know you can now

check real-time shipping and

pickup availability on Grainger.com?

Some of those messages you got. This call may be monitored

or recorded for quality and training

training purposes. That's not working for you today. No. Thank you for calling Grangers. This

is Joy. How can I help you? Hi, honey baby. How are you? I'm good. How are you today? I'm doing

fine. Everything's in its right place. I'm just wondering if you could check a couple codes for

me. Oh, sure. I can do that. Sure. Let's take a look. All right. What do you have for me? 6D910.

All right. 6D as in David, 910. And then the account's coming up. Which account are we using?

Cushman and Wakefield?

Yep.

Okay.

Let me take a look at that one.

One moment.

Okay, honey baby.

So 6 David 910.

It's telling me it's a drain cock, and it says quarter inch,

and I got a little note here that we have to read to you.

It says this product is not acceptable for use in systems that convey

or dispense water for human consumption in New York.

Will this product be used for that purpose?

No.

No, so as long as I'm not in New York, I can still use the cock piece there, right?

Well, let's see here.

Yeah, as long as you put the account came up New York, that's why.

Oh, okay.

That's the flag there.

Yeah, but that's okay.

That's okay.

They're priced at $2.07.

Do you have any that are in bigger inches than, what did you say, it was a quarter inch?

Well, let's see here.

This gives me an alternate.

It gives me an eighth inch.

Let me go to my catalog here one moment.

Eighth and a quarter so far.

Let's see what I have.

One moment.

Let me find this one first so I know where we are.

Let's see the nine, ten.

We've got an eighth.

We've got a quarter, three-eighths, and a half for the pipe size.

Okay.

Those are the pipe sizes.

And what does it mean not for human consumption?

Well, they don't want you running it if, like, if it's in a, I don't know what they use it for,

if it's in a bubbler or because there might be lead in them, maybe.

oh so that's probably okay is it okay if you use it for you know not human consumption but

running off like wastewater i'm i'm interested i'm going to um open a clinic okay and just

wondering how much that could actually use how much it can hold yeah let's see overall height

one inch max pressure 200 psi zero degrees to 200 degrees fahrenheit psi is pussy right yeah

Yeah, we're looking to, yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

We have a technical department I sure could ask.

I think you're doing a great job.

I think we'll stick with this, honey baby.

Okay.

Okay, sure.

How many were you looking for?

I'm looking to get eight of them.

Eight of them?

Okay, sure.

My computer here.

And I have a couple other codes, too, if you're still handy with that computer.

Oh, sure.

Now, it does have a note.

Yeah, it says it's got a note here also.

I'm just clicking on it.

Waiting for it to pop up again.

Oh, yeah, anything to pop up, Plenty Baby.

Yeah, it says plumbing not for portable water applications in all 50 states.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, not for portable water applications in all 50 states.

Well, maybe we should just move on.

I can give you another code to look up if that's okay.

Okay, sure.

Let's try the next one.

Okay, it's 2-1-Y as in yeast, D as in David, 7-2.

All right, let's check that out.

Now, 2-1-Y, D as in David, 7-2, it says extension shaft, 3 1⁄2 inch.

Oh, oh my.

No?

I think I'm going to probably need something like that.

I need anything with the shaft, yeah.

Okay, extension shaft.

But is this what you're looking for?

Sounds like it, yeah.

As long as it's an extension.

I mean, I don't have one myself, but I guess this would be the one to get the head from.

Okay, let's see.

Extension shaft.

Now it does say for use with, and then it gives all these different vendor part numbers.

So that's used with something else.

I think I can probably figure it out, figure out a use.

All of these things probably, right?

Okay.

Well, this one is priced at $1,385 each.

How many of those would you be looking for?

Yeah, I think I would need probably, oh, let's just try one this time.

Okay.

Yeah, we can look for one.

Okay.

What's the next item?

Let's see.

Sorry, I had my numbers just right here.

7-D-F-1-0.

Okay, so 7-D as in boy or D as in dog?

D as in dog.

Okay, thank you.

Frank, and then 1-0.

Let's take a look.

7-David-Frank-1-0.

Jason-David-Frank, yeah.

Coming up slowly here at the tank toilet, it says.

You got your toilet, you got your tank, and you got your seat, toilet seat.

and that is priced at $286 even.

Okay.

How many of those are you looking for?

Sounds about right, yeah.

Okay.

Probably have to find something for human consumption with it, though.

Starting also the side business of eateries that use toilets.

Not use.

It's like an Art Deco type of thing.

It's Nuvo.

Okay.

So probably have one of those.

Can I get maybe one more code?

Sure.

It's 1 Frank Berry Larry 7.

Thank you.

1 Frank B as in Berry, L as in Larry 7.

Yes.

Partition door, 24-inch wide, steel gray, and they're $184.36.

Okay, yeah, that one I'm definitely going to need.

I need to, wait, let me make sure before I say yes.

Is that for a bathroom?

Let's see, I'm going to bring it up here for techno.

Toilet partition, yep, door.

Material construction, baked enamel steel.

Perfect.

That's definitely what I need.

But that's just the door.

Do you need, like, the handrails and all the pieces to make it?

That's just a door all by itself.

I could probably use the walls, too.

I'm looking to make a glory hole out of it.

Okay.

So we need to be able to drill baby drill with it, you know.

Yeah.

We have quite a few accessories here.

Let me see what we can do.

They all say optional.

so let's see we've got um my computer here yeah there's quite a few accessories to go with that

let's see if let's see i just need to make the i need to make it big enough i need to make the

hole big enough in the wall i guess maybe the door if if you you're not able to find the rest

of the parts um that includes mounting hardware oh mounting but then again it's optional it's like

like a, you know, headrail and, you know,

say if you're going to put it onto more of a partition, you know, more.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I could get handles with that.

It actually would help out with the glory hole.

You know, sometimes your arms get tired while you're doing it.

Concealed latch door, concealed latch knobs.

Are you on Grainger.com?

No, I'm not.

I don't know where you're seeing these numbers.

Okay.

I'm going to go on Grainger.com once just because it's giving me,

it doesn't say required.

They all say optional.

I just want to see what we're looking at here.

If they give you a little bit of everything, you've got a couple of different choices.

Yeah, the hole just needs to be big enough so that I can get a penis through it.

And the handles would be adequate, especially for those who are smaller or taller, shorter.

And then you just, if I can get multiple walls, then we can drill,

drill baby drill through the rest of them.

And we can get multiple ones to come in there and then come inside.

Let's see.

Oh, I just don't know.

Let's see here.

It doesn't tell you really.

This is 24 wide for the door itself, 58 high.

Yeah, there probably will be gaping wide by the end.

We can have one side that's just for frontal penis insertion

and then the other side that's for back end penis insertion.

Are these going out of the country?

No, they're coming to Chatsworth, California.

We need them on set.

Yeah, I just wasn't sure.

Well, you know what?

We have a technical department.

Should we ask them once?

If you just buy this door, I mean, would you need anything else with it?

I mean, otherwise, how are you going to hang it?

You know, I want to make sure.

Yeah, I know.

Me too.

It's always, it's kind of like a go fish game.

You never know how they're going to hang.

Yeah, I don't want to get to the door and then you can't do anything else with it.

But can I put you on hold a second and we'll get back on the line and we'll ask them together?

Sure thing, honey baby.

Let's do that.

And your name again is?

My name is Leah.

Leah.

Thank you, Leah.

All right.

And you are with Cushman and Wakefield?

Yes.

Is that the company you're with?

Yes.

Okay.

Just want to make sure.

All right, Leah.

I'm going to put you on hold for just a moment.

Thank you.

WG.

God.

You're available when you need it at any time to access the services required.

Yeah, that company comes up with a caller ID that I put in.

Oh, shit.

And it's a random one.

It's 555-1212.

Some fucking bullshit company is like, I'll give them that number.

That lady does not get it.

Yeah, you're going to have to just be straight up technical and nasty with her.

She's one of those.

Just to explain, I'm going to bend over and the penis is going to come through and insert my vagina.

They're going to fuck me.

You're going to have to do that because she's just way over her head.

She doesn't get it.

She's like an old lady.

God bless her.

She's lost her feeling.

Did you know that Grainger's own brands are...

Oh, I hope it's a guy that answers.

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day. Skunky420

in chat asking how to say

montame y gruñas.

Mont me and groan. In Spanish,

montame y gruñas. Gruñas

with an ñ in the middle. And with

a squiggly line on top. Did you know that

Granger's triple guard extended warranty

is now available to be purchased

on Lava? Yeah, definitely. I don't know when to

use accents. Oh, I do.

Granger.com. Look for the

triple guard icon under eligible

items. Like there's a difference between

esta and esta. Or check

checkout pages. This one. The extended

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for two years beyond the initial

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Thousands of items are eligible

and the cost is very reasonable.

For extra peace of mind,

we got 15 minutes, so we gotta go.

So hopefully this takes us. I know, me too.

I don't wanna do any more calls.

What?

Really? All that work

Workup and no satisfaction.

Maybe she was just planning.

She wants to make a glory hoe.

Do you know what that is?

Do you know what that is, Betty?

No.

What is it?

Is it a hole that gives you glory?

That's like the time.

I talked about this a few days ago, but was it Baz did a prank call.

I used to work night shift.

I got out, stopped at a diner to eat before I got home.

And I jumped on the chat room in Mixler and they were doing a conference.

and i told baz to call the number of the diner i was at i forget what he was asking for but

in the process they mentioned that they were trying to say there was a glory hole in the

diner they mentioned that to the waitress she hung up and they're all like talking about like

who the hell's calling who is this and she goes well what she he said something about a glory hole

what's a glory hole and i'm sitting there trying not to choke on my eggs i'm like oh shit i'm

trying not to laugh and shit but oh my god that's recorded baz has that edited it's awesome

baz is on right now yeah he should be working what's going on he must be on a break cell phone

what are we doing tech savvy now yeah you want to call granger again that's okay go for it it's

okay i guess we can call we have one more code we can there's another company like that called

Did you know you can now check real-time shipping and availability on Grainger.com?

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.

Thank you for calling Grainger.

This is Doug.

Can I help you?

Hi, Doug.

My name is Leah, and I have a code.

If you could please look it up.

Okay.

Okay, it's number 2-1-J, as in Jag, 4-5-3.

Okay.

Okay, and what company are you with?

It should come up with a caller ID.

Yeah, it came up with a couple of them.

What company is it?

We have several names.

I've got Cushman and Wakefield or Adidas.

It's Cushman and Wakefield, sorry.

Okay, let me look at this.

Okay, so it's interior paint, low sheen, five gallon.

Is that the, I thought it said something different on your site.

Is that the actual title?

Well, that's the description.

Yeah, interior paint, low sheen, five gallon.

It said baked something.

I'm not sure.

or is that in the description?

I see that, but I'm trying to figure out what the heck that means.

Well, what is it?

What is it?

Because it kind of cut off on my side.

What does it say on your side?

Okay, I'll read you the full description I've got.

It says interior paint, water-based type A acrylic,

cold polymer resin type, baked cumin.

Oh, so baked cumin.

Okay, okay.

That's what I saw on the site.

Baked cumin, yeah.

Have you used that before?

I'm not familiar with the stuff.

You're not?

I'm familiar with a lot of that stuff.

with uh the regular cum but not the baked kind i didn't know you guys sold that oh okay yeah

this is the first time i've looked at this one i bet it's not the first time you've seen one though

probably not probably not no um let's see how much of that can i get uh well this is a five

gallon container uh how many were you looking at the more baked cum the best you know i'll take at

At least three.

All right, so three five-gallon pails.

Of the baked cum.

It looks like these ship directly from the manufacturer within three business days.

So you figure in transit time, you're out about a week, a little more.

Is that kind of like farm to table?

Like it just comes, there's no middleman?

Well, it's coming from our vendor.

Oh, your vendor.

From Benjamin Moore.

How many guys work there, do you know?

I just want to know how many to fill up the five-gallon tub.

At where, ma'am?

Your vendor.

Benjamin Moore, I would have no idea.

I mean, they're a large company like we are.

Large.

Bend it more.

Yeah.

Baked cum, huh?

Penis?

It says baked cumin.

Oh, baked cum, right?

Baked cummin?

Cumin.

C-U-M-I-N.

Cummin, yeah.

Bake it like in a little pan.

You cum in it like that, and then you bake it.

What do you put on?

You don't have to salt that, right?

I'm sorry.

You're a little faint.

Do you have to salt it? Do you have to salt it?

You use a paint thinner? Is that what you're asking?

No, salt. Salt. You don't put salt on it because it's salty already, right?

The cumin? The cumin?

We're talking about paint.

Yeah, but it's cumin.

But that could be relating just to the color.

Stupid asshole.

There's a different color when it comes out?

You're really pissing me off.

Do you understand what's going on, sir?

I'm trying to understand where you're going and I'm giving you the description.

Listen, here, I'm going to tell you.

We're talking about sex.

We're talking about penises.

And you guys saw Baked Come.

And I wanted all my body, okay?

Is that more in your face, honey baby?

Ah.

Hug.

I like this place.

It's fun.

I just sent you a screenshot.

Let me send it to Baz also.

It's a chat session I had with their website.

Baz says he's at work.

I don't know if he can get on.

He's connected.

Hey, can you guys hear me?

Hey, Baz.

Yes, it's Baz.

Baz, yeah.

Yeah, I pulled my pants on and brought them back up real fast for you, Baz.

I'm going to go get a sandwich.

You guys want to call it while I'm there?

I thought you were going to ask if I wanted a sandwich.

Thanks.

Yeah, we will.

Thank you for calling Granger.

Did you know you can now check real-time shipping and pickup availability on Granger.com?

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Thanks, Granger.

My name is Elizabeth.

How may I help you today?

I need to drill a hole in the bathroom partition item number 1FBL9 to make a glory hole.

It needs to be big enough to fit average to large sized erect penises.

What's your company name?

Cushman.

Okay, and your name?

Cross.

And the Granger number is the 1FBL9?

Yeah.

And this is a 36 inch partition door.

It's metal.

I need to know what I can use to drill a hole in it wide enough for erect penises to fit through.

My wife will be sitting on the toilet, and then she'll, like, suck on it or have penetrative vaginal sex.

Granger.

We're going to have fun with Granger for a while, I think.

Let's share this pick and drop box real quick for you guys.

Let me put it public.

I'll call him again.

You take one.

Baz is still on the road.

Neon or Baz Cannon.

Thank you for calling Granger.

Did you know you can now check real-time shipping and pickup availability on Granger.com?

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Colin Granger, my name is Elizabeth. How may I help you today?

Good morning, Elizabeth. My name is Leah.

I'm looking to see if you could possibly look up some codes for me for things I'd like to buy.

Okay, and your company's name?

Cushman and Wakefield.

And I'm sorry, what's your name?

My name is Leah.

And what is it that you need?

Okay, the number is 28Z as in Zed, L as in Larry.

2.8 Zebra Larry 80?

And how many?

Do you have the description on that?

I only received the code from Carl Sanders.

This 2.8 Zebra Larry 80 is coming up as a pump outlet tube assembly.

Okay, pump outlet tube.

Okay, that's what I saw in the chat, or excuse me, on your website.

What exactly is that used for?

I don't know.

I could get my technical team to tell us.

Do you want to hold on?

Hey, ma'am.

I'm the associate here.

Would that, too, be acceptable for use in enemas?

I would have to get my technical team.

I'm not sure what it's used for.

It's going to be stuck into a rectum, inserted into the rectum.

I'm sorry.

I didn't use the proper medical term.

I'm going to go into that subway.

Did you get that number?

Yes, it's in there.

Okay, it is.

Good, good, good.

It's on mute, and I'm going to go in.

I'm going to order my sandwich, so maybe you guys can create a ruckus while I'm in there.

Okay, I got it.

All right.

Let's stay unmuted until they start asking you for the order, okay?

Can you do that, just so we know when to call?

Yeah, okay, I'll do that.

And then we know it's good that you're up front.

Okay, good.

We'll hang on on that.

Let me play some music.

This will be the last for the day, more than likely, because we're about two minutes here

from when I'm supposed to leave, but I'll hang on for this.

This will hopefully be fun.

Make sure you run, Baz.

Run, motherfucker.

walking to the door now you should be running

yeah i'm walking right by the i just walked by the beijing duck palace

and when you go and say it's baz everybody say that

it's baz everybody i'm gonna put the phone down

he's inside i think it's time i think it's time let's do it copy the right number

yeah they're busy baz you hear me are they busy

man bass says they're pretty busy yeah they might just leave the phone off

give it a few more shots carl sander says we should call the chinese place and send someone

over no let's not fuck up that'd be kind of funny shout out is bass here hang on all right let's do

hang on i got time let's let me do it i'm gonna change the caller id to be the subway let's do

that first and then i will call sam at the subway i hope is it next door baz type is it next door

of the subway i think he said it is because he said he just walked right by it and then he walked

into this i don't know if he meant like the plaza next the guy don't know the subway he'll know the

subway was it not copying three okay saved let me go here for that number again peking duck right

something like that yes peking duck i tell motherfucker i'm here come over now motherfucker

okay i'm doing this way too slow

can you type the name of the guy you got

oh man yeah hey this is bill i'm over here at the subway next door i'm sorry i'm at the

this is bill i work i'm the manager of subway oh yeah sorry not here today yeah yeah listen

you motherfucker you parked in my parking spot you motherfucker i'm gonna kick your

fucking ass shit he won't come over the make a sandwich now bass bass does the guy have a name

tag so we can get him killed by the chinese guy bass is like no i don't want to he's gonna enjoy

his roasted garlic ew gross man roasted garlic seriously bass it gets in your pores your wife

can taste it and come it's gross she will she'll be like oh bass had garlic to you

this ain't working

I'm leaving, bye, thanks Neon, thanks Baz

bye, welcome, see you later

I gotta go to the physical therapy

to get the rape

yeah, yeah, bye

Calls (26, 1 h 18 min of 1 h 48 min)

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