El culo de tu Madre

now greg you have some interesting career plans tell us about your career plans yeah i'd like to

be either a stand-up comedian or a baseball manager stand-up comedian or a baseball manager

come on up here yeah they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely

it's on it's working fine you're okay so you want to be a stand-up comedian tell me uh what kind of

jokes do you do well um i make phony phone calls to 1-800 numbers um yeah i make i make fake

I take surveys and go to random people who I don't know, and I tell knock-knock jokes.

You tell knock-knock jokes?

You can tell he's a comedian by the way he's working that microphone, you guys.

Yeah, you can just stand right up there, Greg.

It's cool.

Just stand right there.

It's cool the way it is.

You little monkey.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

This is Madhouse Radio for October the 19th, 2014.

I am here with Milkman, Milkman Reports.

Howdy, fat fingers, man.

Get that special dialing one ready, my friend.

friend we got we we got plenty to do tonight my special dialing wand is my dick my special

it's my dick because it's thinner than my fingers yeah that's why

i got a pencil dick like uh like what's her face said about me she called me uh what did

she say to me she called me a peck of woods loppy loppy kiss my pussy that lady what was

was her name again debbie mansfield right deborah mansfield right all right we are doing prank calls

tonight if you're aren't in the chat room get to the chat room now that's over at uh prank call

nation.com forward slash chat i don't know enigma was supposed to implement where anybody could go

in there and view the chat but you do have to register in order to speak i don't know if that

was fixed yet or not if not then you might have to register first uh then just ask for help in

the mixler chat if that's where you're probably listening at ask for help there and i'm sure

someone's monitoring and we'll help you out as much as possible but however if you are in the

chat room and i trust you you can send me a request i will do my best to do it i know dwight

asked me earlier in the day if i was gonna need uh numbers and he said that he would get them

isn't that great milkman numbers man that's what i'm talking about man let it roll baby

confirm numbers okay well in the meantime i'll just start throwing darts at the darts at the

google map and we'll see what lands here is an in-n-out burger you ever been in one of those

that's a west coast thing i think oh you guys don't have them back there it is really

no we don't they make the fries right there in front of you they cut the potatoes in this

machine and do the fries right up and they got like fresh ground burgers every day you're gonna

watch the whole process man so it's like uh it's like five guys then right same concept fast casual

fast fat casual burger and fry place where they make the fries right there yeah that's what i

never heard about it must be it must be something south i don't really know

fast casual is when you go thank you for calling my name is kaylee do you know what fast casual is

I'm so sorry, what are you asking me?

Do you know what fast casual is? Fast casual dining. Do you know what that is?

No, sir, I'm sorry.

I'm a sommelier, okay?

Fast casual is, it's fast food, but it's in a casual environment where you bust your own table and you sit yourself down.

It's not fast food, you know?

Okay.

Like a Chipotle or something like that, you know?

know subway would be wouldn't be fast casual but be right up right there because subway is pretty

much all over the place so there i don't think you would consider i guess you would consider

subway fast casual what would you consider it i you know sir i'm sorry was there anything maybe

about in and out burger i could try to help out with yeah yeah i need to order one potatoes

okay i'm really sorry the only way to make an order is in person

7-5, I have your phone number.

La, la, la, la, la.

I speak louder.

Sir, I have your phone number.

I always speak louder than you.

Sir, I have your phone number.

I always speak louder than you.

Yeah.

See, don't test me.

I have superior phone powers.

I'm Carlito.

I am the great Carlito.

I was trained by the great KDK before me.

And you will fall before me.

I am the great Carlito.

Is this understood?

Answer.

there she goes all right that was weird

where'd that come from you make that up what fast casual yeah um no that's a real term dude

fast gas is a real term don't ask me why i know that i said i'm a sommelier is this is that how

you pronounce that you know what a sommelier is we'd have to ask uh uh that french guy train wreck

frenchie i don't know what you're looking at put it in the chat i can look at it but i don't know

i mean if it's french i can help you yeah i don't even know how to spell it s-o-m-m-e-l-i-e-r

sommelier i think right sommelier so i said it right sommelier sommelier yeah i think i said it

right yeah you said e-l right yeah yeah sommelier i'll be damned motherfucker yeah look at that

That's a verb.

Yeah.

A little bit of train wreck rubbing off on him.

It caused me so goddamn much pucker.

Stop it.

Fuck it, man.

I like that guy, man.

He's a pretty picked-up guy.

All right.

Look, let's continue.

Fast casual milk, man.

You need to educate yourself on this.

Let me look this up, because I need to know now.

Is Subway fast casual?

Let's ask that.

Let's ask Google that.

Is Subway fast casual?

It gives me a wiki entry for fast food restaurant.

then i guess not then yeah fast you know have you ever been to chipotle or something like that

i don't know how you split it up fat uh food trucks no that's not it fast food restaurant

fuck come on man well you're always saying the only difference is you bust your own table

yeah we had to do that uh fast food places though a fast casual shit down if you want man

yeah that's a dick move somebody will come out and dust the dining room shut up

shut up listen there's no drive-through at the fast casual all right that's one thing i know

all right here we go here we go stop the music milkman remotely on amazon mp3 player for android

the sponsor of the first hour of the show here thank you uh a fast casual restaurant is a type

of restaurant that does not offer full table service but promises a higher quality of food

with fewer frozen or processed ingredients well there goes subway than a fast food restaurant

It is a relatively new and growing concept positioned between fast food and casual dining.

The typical cost per meal is in the $8 to $15 U.S. dollar range.

The category is exemplified by Chipotle Mexican Grill, Culliver's, Zaxby's, and Panera.

Does that help you out at all?

I don't eat at any of theirs.

You don't?

I'm sorry, dude.

There's plenty of places.

I just don't go in there.

There's always a big-ass line or something, you know?

And you go through the line, and it's not really happening.

I mean, it's like, okay.

You've never been to Falafel King?

Falafel World?

What's the Falafel?

There's a Falafel one.

There used to be an Italian one, Fazoli's, and they had to contract because they spread so quickly and they sucked.

And now they're actually doing better.

Fazoli's, that is.

It's fast, casual Italian food.

I see so much of that shit out here, dude.

And when I ever bothered to try it, it was kind of like I was not impressed with the long wait.

Fazoli's?

to me fazoli's always smelled like fucking ass everyone you go in and smell like ass

and the sandwiches had this ass taste to them it's tasted just like the place it was it just

tasted of like like if someone kept me kept stretching out a sauce over months and months

hey shut up hello yeah shut up motherfucker hang the phone up motherfucker no she did oh my god

the guys have been doing that one for the last few days now i think brad started that

hang the phone up motherfucker some people get into arguments like really quick

yeah i want to make an order there a little chinese girl

Mama-san?

I want to make an order there, Mama-san.

Okay, so what would you like?

One rice, one soy sauce, one duck sauce, one shrimp sauce.

So you want the white rice, steamed white rice?

One duck sauce, one red sauce, one black sauce, one shrimp sauce, one fish oil.

I'm sorry, we don't have that sauce.

Uh, red sauce.

So what's the order you want it?

One rice with heat.

Okay, white rice and what's the order?

No, not white.

With heat.

Heat rice.

Hot rice.

Fried rice?

Hot.

I'm sorry, we don't have that item, okay?

You don't have hot rice?

We only have fried rice and chow mein.

Stupid.

Or steamed rice.

Motherfucker.

Are you okay?

I'm angry at someone else, not you, motherfucker.

I ain't talking about you, bitch.

I'm not talking about you.

All right, so one fried rice.

Hello?

Oh.

There she goes.

She's gone.

gone he's gone milkman he's gone that was funny man she didn't last too long man are you all right

i like that are you all right yeah milkman you asshole oh i watched her just a second

full of ice and then i got a huge ice pong don't do drugs don't do drugs on the air

i don't know man i'm in oakland where you at are you in oakland right now dude man i'm

Yeah, man, I'm just killing over by International Boulevard, man.

International Boulevard, where you at, man?

Hey, can you go into a store or a restaurant and I prank them and you just let us know what they do?

Tell me something close and I'll mute you off the air so no one hears you.

You can tell me.

Oh, man, we're going to have to arrange this then.

Yeah, now.

I can.

Aren't you in a taxi?

No, hold on here, man.

Good, yeah, if you want to mute it off the air for a second.

Oh, okay, hang on, let me play something.

Hello?

Nope, man.

Yeah, hi.

I took a hit.

We took a hit over here.

Okay, I'm setting up one now.

Did I set up one with food?

Nope, everybody, we're back on the air.

Milkman has no pants on, and he doesn't want to get up and put on pants

because he's a lazy ass, so we'll have to do it next time.

I'm not wearing no pants!

He's got his pecker hanging out, listening to the show, probably, for all we know.

Dude, man, this show is hot, dude.

What do you expect?

I'm just waiting for Morgan.

Let's put her on.

No.

swift transportation no no i had a walmart here in my scope and i lost it thank you for calling

walmart the walmart we're just walmart's i was like where walmart's like oh yeah i just wanted

to hear him say it again oh man that reminds me of another story remind me to say the other story

don't forget because i hear on podcasts that i release i tell people hey remind me after this

this call and they never do and i never say this shit i don't get to laugh at you forget

well these motherfuckers closed jesus all right now what's the other thing now when i used to i

used to rent movies at a grocery store i worked at the front department the lobby department

and i was in charge of the video rentals that would go on there there were vhs rentals

and this one cat he came in several times he was like this black african kind of guy and

you're gonna talk like this you talk like this right and he would always he would ask this one

time he came in on a sunday when i was working alone late and he said you have space gem and i

was like oh shit it was so funny to me i said which one again space gem i'm like okay let me

check let me check and it's like space jam right here space jam and like and it would always be in

in and i would always say no because i just loved here i just loved he did it like three times but

i just loved to hear him say space jam like that so i just i tell him that on purpose i'd keep

coming in but then he stopped coming in i just stopped coming in or i stopped working sunday

something like that too bad we didn't have like portable recorders back then so we're you know

like mp3 you know back then you had to have tape or something you know space jam space jam

all right yeah is this the walmart's is the walmart's yeah i need to be transferred to

the coin star what the coin star coin star machine yeah i need to talk to the coin star

machine because i think it has my wedding ring was in the change and i think it ate it so i need

to talk to the coin star please can you transfer me the coin star is just a machine that we carry

in our store we don't have yeah yeah you can put me through that coin star is not going to answer

the phone yeah i know coin star is not walmart but if you put me through i maybe can can someone

put coin star on the line or talk to coin star and ask it no we don't we don't deal with the

coin star you have to call the company up all right so i want to talk to the coin star then

put the phone up to the coin star say hey coin star coin star you can feed it some quarters

right let's see if she picks up i want to say you can feed it some quarters

oh shit feed it some quarters and pet it midget guy inside there you know counting the quarters

real quick you know that's why i said that it loves quarters its favorite treats are silver

dollars little midget guy yeah you can feed it quarters to get it to be to let you know

It's favorite snack

Oh I couldn't say this favorite snack

Thank you for calling Walmart

at this point the man holding the bible announced jamaica lifestyle might take

peace to the bridal because it's one girl's marriage girl's carriage and with the lucky

fingers grab it she attracted the magnet she might have cracked the safe scene of cabbage

now's one love in the tablet

she ain't gonna pick up that

coming for you

bowl motherfuckers

can you be quiet

California State University

closed

park doesn't have a number

let's see

has anyone else sent me numbers

I see no flashing

alright Niggle confirms that people should be able to come in

as they wish into the chat room

but they must be registered

in order to participate

by sending but you can

the chat is view only until you register

basically so

and if you need help

registering go to the help channel

pound help you can do forward slash

join space pound help

to go in there and from there

someone will walk you through

getting registered. Sorry.

It's the 98.6 mouth chat.

We have haters, you know.

Is that the mouth chat? Yes, that's the mouth

chat. Yes, very good.

98.6, go mouth, that's right.

Alright, this says

Tesla factory, but I don't see a number

unfortunately. That'd be cool to call Tesla.

I presume they're a 24-hour operation

making them electric car machines.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wasn't there going to be last week an announcement from Tesla

something called the D? What was that?

that i get tesla announcement the d did it happen the model d is tesla's most powerful car ever

apparently the p85d will have two motors and all-wheel drive it will match the 3.2 second

zero to 60 mile per hour time of the mclaren f1 one of the fastest cars ever made and and it will

will be even more efficient than the

current, already terrific Model S

Tesla.

Wow.

It's as fast

as a fucking McLaren F1,

dude. Oh, that is

fucking awesome, dude. That is

fucking tight.

It's like a race car from hell, dude.

Electric race car. Who ever thought a fucking

Hot Wheel, man, you know, a Sizzler

would ever go that fast, and you

could ride in a Sizzler. You remember

Sizzler? My question is the range.

What's the range on it?

It will be able to drive...

Do you remember those Hot Wheel Sizzlers when we were kids?

Did you ever have those?

Which one?

Hot Wheel Sizzlers?

No.

They were the Hot Wheel, but you could charge them up electrically with a battery.

They had just a little battery, and they'd fucking drive around.

Oh, yeah?

They're the same scale, yeah.

All right.

They were called Sizzlers.

Okay.

They fucking were cool, man.

You could recharge them all the time, right?

Like, way back, man.

Like, what, 70?

but like so now you can actually drive inside of one i mean that's what's so fucking hilarious i

mean my mind is like whoa they shrink you down like that movie where they put the guy inside the

the guy got injected inside his wife yeah honey i shrunk the kids right not that one no it was

a different one where the guy got shrunk and he ended up injected into his wife or

some scientist injected him something like that oh uh are you talking like what like fantastic

Fantastic Voyage, was that the one you talked about?

This was loosely based on Fantastic Voyage, but it was in the 80s.

I want to say 87, 88 maybe this movie came out.

What the fuck was that movie?

Chatroom, do you know?

Chatroom!

There you go.

Get your gold star now.

You've got to report to the chatroom and you've got to register

if you want to attempt to get into the gold star contest.

What was that, Richmond?

Fremont.

Oh, I knew that.

Thank you for calling 99 Registration.

If you know the extension number, press any time.

For business hours and direction, please press 1.

To place a bakery order, please press 2.

To place a hot daily order, please press 3.

Or remain on the line.

We'll put you back in the kitchen, man. You can place an order.

Check the number and try again.

If you know the extension number, press...

Nope, nope.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

How you doing, Charlie?

Hey, boy.

What's going on?

I need to make an order.

Order for what?

For food, motherfucker.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, for food, motherfucker.

Food, motherfucker.

Huh?

Okay, I'm looking up the one close to here, dude.

Okay, okay.

Here's the way it's laid out, dude.

It's like a gigantic market.

And it got like little departments.

Is it Asian?

I'm real Chinese.

I shop there all the time.

If you know the extension number, press any time.

For business hours and direction, please press 1.

To place a bakery order, please press 2.

To place a hot daily order, please press 3.

Or remain online for customer service.

Good.

Pick up now that I said bad word.

Hello.

This is Asian Market.

Yes.

Yes, this is a range 99.

Yeah, make foo, make foo, foo, foo.

What?

You have make foo, make foo, you know, make foo, make foo.

Make foo?

Make foo.

I don't know what is it.

Pape people.

Huh?

Pape people, pape people road, pape people, pape people, it's pape people.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I don't understand you.

Pape people.

Do you have pape people?

Sorry, sorry, I don't understand you.

Do you have ginger?

Sorry.

Where'd Milkman go?

Milkman.

Did we lose you?

I think we did lose you.

Oh, Milkman.

He dropped like a rock in hell.

Now Milkman's doing the thing where he keeps calling and I keep trying to call him.

He's not working.

probably got his phone on his forehead hitting him

why are you not looking

here let's call Safeway and see if we're open

why are you not looking

what happened

I don't know what's wrong with you dude

I mean I can call Echo Service

but I can't leave you the answer

oh my god man

did you get the number I sent you

nope

I don't got shit

oh yeah I do what's that

what's that supposed to be

I told you what it was already.

Can you tell me again?

99 Ranch.

A different one?

Yes.

Do that next. Thank you.

Fuck you.

The options have always recently changed, bitch.

Oh my god. Bye, Safeway. Shove it up your ass.

That's twice I've tried to call Safeway and it does that.

That place is full of shit.

All right, Milkman, shut up.

This is a different Asian massive market.

This is a different one.

Thank you for calling the French market.

If you need Chinese service, please press 2.

If you know the extension number, please press 3.

For business hour and direction, please press 1.

To place a bakery order, please press 2.

To place a hot deli order, please press 3.

Please wait a moment.

When she said push hard, she kept vacillating.

Opened as she swung back, couldn't help her dress flew back.

I heard a wallaby chair was rocking wallows.

I sent a rap message through a bottle.

She stole all my tips and coins.

Birthday, I gave her two 56 coins.

Puppy love, gorgeous face amazed by a lip gloss.

Cherry scent, when the princess spoke, yo, it bounced off.

More like Marilyn Monroe.

Hello!

Yay!

hello, hello, hello.

What happened? It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. Hello?

This is not Berkeley. Only Hot Deli.

Yeah, Hot Deli. Make order. Make order. Make order. Make order.

Making order!

No!

Making order!

Open!

No, fuck you!

What she say?

She say, oh fuck!

What?

You fuck!

Can I help you?

No, you fuck!

You fuck!

Huh?

I wanna make order!

Uh, uh, you can call me and then...

No, make order now!

Now!

You want food?

You want order now?

Want food?

You want...

You want order the food now, right?

We don't have phone order right now...

Motherfucker!

I'm afraid you can...

uh you should come here we don't have we don't have food order food food yeah i i know you you

want to order the food but we have people by the people pardon me by the people

okay

People.

Hello.

Dude, you want to know something?

I know who those people were, man.

I shouldn't have given you the number.

I know who they are.

I get the food from them.

The one lady was like, oh, fuck.

The only lady she answered first, really nice, dude.

She was, she was like, oh, fuck.

Not any English at all.

She shakes her head and you're kind of like, point, you know.

And it's like, you know, and she kind of gets it right.

Right. She always does it right. Right. But she cannot like speak any English.

And the second girl was like wearing glasses. She's over on the register.

Now they called her over. Hey, Dwight's sending in numbers.

Let's get to those from the top. That's where I get.

There's a good food there, dude, man. Oh, shit. Yeah, man.

Go for it. Go for it. Get the pork, man.

man. You know, they slice it right there, man.

The honey roasted pork. Have you ever had that?

Chinese honey roasted pork? No, I've never

heard of that. It sounds very good.

It's hot food? Yeah. It's hot food.

It's roasted, just golden, and on the inside, it's

real tender and flavorful,

but not juicy, like, just nice

and, like, you know, not dry,

like, bony, guys. It's perfect.

It's all just good.

You put mustard on it?

You don't put mustard on it?

Mustard on the shit?

When you come out, yeah.

Please leave a message after the tone.

When done, hang up or press...

Trying to call a hotel that was sent in by Dwight McClanahan.

He's the host of Saturday Night's BTR Tonight.

And also Tuesday Night's Mop Riding.

BTR Tonight and Mop Riding with Dwight.

That rhymes.

That should be the problem.

Scatman.

Bibbidi-bop tonight.

BTR night.

We're calling in at the round barn.

How may I help you?

Hey, fucker.

I need it to be transferred to someone who's staying there, please.

Okay, unfortunately, I can't transfer you from this line.

I can take a message and try to get it over to them.

Fucking asshole, why not?

Excuse me?

What's wrong with the phone?

Why can't you transfer?

This is their answering service.

When they're not available, it comes over to us.

That's nice, honey.

We are not even in there.

That's nice, honey.

I can take a message for you.

That's nice, honey.

Or you can try them back tomorrow.

Maybe you're a woman and don't know how to use the phone,

and you're just making it up.

She left.

Oh, shit.

it oh my we seem to have lost her perhaps we should call her right back she wasn't very

challenging yeah take a message please cross don't you yell at me like that i'm not yelling

sir but i don't appreciate being stupid either i don't have to put that do you understand that

i work for a living i work here i try to be courteous to you and you're being a real

Real jerk.

Now, what is your phone number?

Throw some water on that fire, honey.

My number is 492-2014.

Local area code.

And who's the message for?

John Jones.

That's a real name.

And he's a guest there?

Yes.

We'll get a message over to them.

I'm not guaranteeing that he'll get back to you tonight, but we'll get a message.

You have to write down the message, A.

B, don't you sit on this message.

Sir, if you don't stop being such a jerk to me, I'm just going to hang up and know

not answer your call. Do you understand?

That's unprofessional. Now, you can either be nice

and I can be nice back and we can be civil

to each other or I can just hang up.

I'm sorry. Now, which is it going to be?

I'm sorry. Okay.

Thank you. Now, start

over again, okay? Okay.

I would love to take a message for you.

What is the message? John.

To John. Yeah, to John.

Subject,

bad news and message

begins. John, this

This crazy woman answered the phone when I tried to call the hotel that you're staying at.

She was rude, nasty to me.

She said racist words.

Sir, I could say the same about you.

She said racist words?

I never said a racist word, whatever.

Well, write that down in the message.

That doesn't have to do with you.

This is your...

Don't exist right now.

You're relaying a message for me, please.

Thank you.

You know how to do your job.

I know you do, honey.

Call me honey.

Yes, ma'am.

All right.

So, what did you get?

I've got John.

This racist woman answered your phone and was very rude.

Okay.

Her name is, and what's your name?

My name is Grace.

All right.

Her name is Grace, and she needs to be written up.

You know what?

Forget it.

I'm going to call them in the morning and explain to them I got a very nasty message from a gentleman named John Jones, and he was very rude, and I don't need to put up with that because we don't need to put up with that.

I'm masturbating.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Don't forget that part, right?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

well oh that was a masterfully executed man once again you you took them lemons and you made like

like something sweet right out of it brother that's like you're a master chef

I'm Graz.

That's a name.

I calmed her down, though.

That was kind of cool.

Usually when I say I'm sorry,

usually they always hack up anyway

because they get mad that I'm saying I'm sorry like I do.

For some reason, they fucking always do that shit.

But she did.

She responded, dude.

You toyed with her all the way.

Beautiful reaction.

All right.

Here we go.

Space Jam?

Someone Space Jam?

Space Jam?

it's fun it's stupid like there's no blockbuster videos anymore because i could do that right now

i would what am i gonna call i think there's a few there aren't there a few in canada and still

in some franchises i really don't know chat room chat room do you know of any of the open i think

there's like maybe there's less than 100 and i think it's around 30 that are still around

the wikipedia page talks about it well how about how about an open just about an open video i could

Good luck finding anything like that.

I'm saying anything that's open.

I think it was the killers themselves.

These are the men who lead the crime families of America.

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Another 300 were closed.

November 2013, it was announced that the remaining ones...

Yeah, that's...

Brad had a really good conference call on his show.

They were holding a conference call.

um i guess like the whoever was going to be liquidating the company was holding a conference

call for all the locations they were doing three uh in one day and wow the conference call options

were open like they didn't lock it down and i know for i know for i think dyler tabachi brad

a few of the a few of the guys got in on that and the first call and like someone said yeah

you should have sold porno or something someone cursed and she goes like who was that who was that

what was that like that's and it's someone else said one or two things and she uh she figured out

to block it up and uh the other two calls were always locked down in moderated mode but at first

oh my god had enough people done it right and just bombed it would have been epic but the people that

got there exactly instead expose it just like just keep on commenting and not answering and wait a

a little laugh. Yeah, fucking, you need

the fucking

Timothy McVeigh, that shit.

Something like that. You gotta go in hard,

fast.

Yeah, you're guaranteed

three minutes to laugh, that's all.

You better make them good.

That's what your commandante

says.

Prank call, commandante.

The prank call, commandante.

Yeah, that's right, because I'm the one that's

going to take the fall when the shit hits the fan

here, probably, in a few weeks.

Oh, oh, oh, you call me Sargentown.

By Rattler.

All right, going to the next one from Dwightish.

Alex is staying at a Quad Inn.

A little broke there, eh, Alex?

Yeah, a little broke.

Have a magical evening.

Hey, Coliseum, this is Josh.

How may I help you?

Hey, boy, I need to talk to someone who's staying there, please.

Okay, what's the name?

It's first name Alex, last name is Dachshund, just like the dog breed.

Do you know how to spell that, boy?

I don't think you got nobody staying here with that name in.

Can I spell it for you?

I'm sure you don't know how to spell dachshund.

I'm pretty sure I do.

How do you spell it?

Do you even know what a dachshund is?

I'm not transferring you to the room now anyway.

Listen, do you even know what a dachshund is?

Let me tell you, this ain't no pit bull, all right?

It's a dachshund.

It's a white people bar.

Spell it for me.

No, I don't think I'm going to do that.

Come on.

Do it.

Don't make me mad.

oh shit he can't spell no dachshund you'll know no dachshund is man wiener dog

then you got his attention dachshund dachshund dachshund yeah dachshund do you have that one

yeah he's we've poisoned that well sir

there you go

alright coming up

coming up next

is Craig

coming up next is Craig

who is spending the night

at a hotel he says

in Spain

Catalonia Spain

home of the Catalonian tribe

I was laughing

I was laughing the other day you remember the time

we did that call it was in LA

with a big-ass hotel

and they were almost

having a convention

and they said,

bring your cocks

and bring your cocks

and assholes.

Uh, no.

I don't remember that at all.

Yes, you do, fucker.

Sounds gay, man.

I wouldn't do that.

I know, man.

It was funny.

You know,

you did the call.

You called this guy

in L.A., man.

Sounds like some

KDK faggot shit.

Hello?

Yeah, hey.

Buenas noches,

stupid motherfucker.

Buenos dias.

Dígame.

Asshole.

I want to be transferred

to someone, please.

What do you want?

I need to speak to the Rumo.

Rumo?

Rumo.

El Rumo.

El Gesto.

Telefono.

Is he at the hotel?

No, Telefono El Gesto.

I don't understand you.

Do you know Telefono Taco to, uh, Taco.

Taco to Gesto.

This is Hotel Duran, do you know?

I need to talk to a guest, stupid.

Who is the guest?

Craig.

This is Hotel Duran.

I don't know this name.

Zebranski.

That was the last name.

Apellido, motherfucker, is Zebranski.

Zebranski.

Zeta.

B de burro.

I don't have this name, sir.

It's not here in the hotel.

R, R, A, como aculo, N, como niño.

It's not here in the hotel.

S, como sexo, K, como caca, Y, como...

Good, because I didn't have one for Y.

It's not here in the hotel.

This is an interesting show tonight.

I love it.

Yes, sir.

Hola.

How are you, honey?

What's your name, you say?

Do you have girlfriend?

Boyfriend?

Girlfriend?

What?

You have boyfriend?

Girlfriend?

What?

Boyfriendo?

Hello?

What's your name, you want?

I want, uh, yeah, it's Zebranski.

I'm sorry, I'm drinking.

I'm drinking.

Zebranski.

Speak up, motherfucker.

Speak up.

I can't hear you, fucking shit.

You can't hear me?

Now I hear you, stupid.

Why do you have the phone in your culo?

Huh?

You have the phone in your culo?

Culo de tu madre, no?

No, chinga tu madre.

Hmm?

El teléfono...

¿Estás borracho?

¿Por qué estás borracho?

En la concha, en la concha de tu madre.

¿Por qué estás borracho, tío, no?

Sí.

Para pasar tiempo.

Borracho de la concha de tu madre.

Yeah?

You know what that means?

You know what concha is?

Concha means it's a conch shell, but it means the pussy, you know?

and i said i'm drunk from your mother's pussy that's what i said motherfucker i spit on you

huh they spit on you right we'll have to save that one for later when others are around here's

a number for p head p head letter p last name head also known as fed milkman dropped cheat milkman

shit an asshole well he gets his shit figured out i will be forced to call p head oh man there

There you are, stupid.

What happened?

Did you put it in your...

Did you put the phone in your...

I don't know, dude.

I lost you.

Did you put the phone in the culo of your madre?

Yes.

And in the madre, I flew over my head.

Man, we pointed up in the sky.

He said, mira, mira.

That's going to have to be the title of the show, probably.

El culo de tu madre.

It's your mother's asshole.

El culo de tu madre.

That guy was so sincere.

I liked it.

All right, here's...

He was trying to hold it off for a second,

Yeah, and then he couldn't once he got there.

Here's Stan Head.

No answer there.

Was that a restaurant that you called there?

Culo de la Mar?

No, it was a hotel in Spain.

No, man, pay attention.

It was a hotel.

Okay, I didn't catch it, man.

I just heard the cough.

I thought that got dropped twice.

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, I'm not doing good.

I'm in a pinch right now.

I'm in a pickle.

my car done broke down and now right now i'm hiding in a in a rest stop um okay there's a

man outside named lysol black man in lysol and he said he's gonna he said he's gonna he said he

fixed my car but he said that i have to do sexual things to him and here in the bathroom now and he

went he went outside to he said he was gonna go outside to smoke a cigarette or two and he

He locked, he put a broom handle through the door handle so I can't open it.

I'm stuck here in the bathroom.

Okay.

I'm not sure your phone is, it sounds kind of, uh, distorted.

Echo?

Yeah, kind of echo, yeah.

It's because I'm in the toilet.

I'm in the bathroom.

Yeah.

Listen, I, my, I can't tell the lady that, that I had to suck this guy's dick, you know?

Do what now?

Can you come and take the broom, the, the doorknob off of the, the broomstick out of

from the door so that I can get out of here in a bus stop stop shit I really

know where it's at exactly it's it's off the highway I guess I guess men come

here for sex you know like anonymous sex it's a glory hole and I was doing some

of that you know I don't want anyone to find out but I was doing some of that

And then some guy came in and said that I was a sinner and he put the broom handle on

the toilet door so it's stuck and I can't get out.

And the window here, I can't fit through it.

It's got a wall.

Wait a minute.

I just had the wrong number because I don't know who this person is.

Quincy.

Quincy?

Who are you looking for?

Head.

What's up, Mr. Head?

I did.

Who is this?

I'm looking for Head.

That's why I came here.

I was looking for Head, you know?

I don't know who, I mean, who in general, the head family are you looking for?

I was sucking it, I was giving head myself to a Mexican guy, an uncut Mexican guy.

And then this big white guy came in here and he said, what are you doing in here?

And the Mexican guy, he like pulled up his pants and ran away.

And I went to go and he pushed closed the stall, bathroom stall door for me.

and he stuck

I think he has the wrong number.

He stuck the broom handle and I can't open it.

He stuck a broom and a broom handle

through it and I can't open it.

And he said, you're going to hell. I'm coming back

and you're going to suck ten dicks

so that you get the game.

I think you have the wrong number.

Please. Please.

If I do, you're my last hope.

This is my last quarter. Please.

I think you have the wrong number.

oh my god let's get out of the bathroom there we go out of the closet we lost you man i think

you got flushed i'm coming back and you're sucking 10 dicks to get the gay out of you

what was that way up was that brandon flush to call now

literally all right so the research came back from the arm and he says that there are 50 franchise

Franchise-owned Blockbuster stores, which continue to remain open as of this year.

So there should be some Blockbusters.

Do they still carry VHS?

No.

God, no.

Are you crazy?

Who the upkeep on that shit is?

You got to rewind those motherfuckers and all that shit.

Fuck it.

Tell them that you don't rewind.

You're a serial not-rewinder.

Oh, yeah.

Did you pay a little bit higher for your membership for these privileges?

with you. Well, the problem with that one is

I didn't have a first name, just a Q, and I figured

the way he sounded, maybe he was a Quincy.

Just a guess. He could be like

Quarim or some shit.

Here's Darahead.

Darahead.

So, Milkman,

on the 31st, it's a Friday. We've

decided to do a pre-show for

Art of Phone Marking, Milkman's

birthday show, like we did last year.

We do some prank calls

that Milkman might like. I'll play Milkman's favorite

prank calls. I'll find the

turd in the back of the car

one for you, the Wanda Sykes one

that you love so much, and we'll

play, and you'll pick the music

for that night, too, for that

afternoon, evening. Oh, yeah, alright.

Will you play my White Horse?

Yeah, whatever you want, dude. Make a list,

send it to me, and if I don't have it, I'll

get it, alright? But do it before.

You know, I like the classic. Dude,

if you play, like, part of our classic list,

you know, like, from those days, dude, you know how to

hit with a swing. Yep, I do,

you little monkey. I do.

oh going back to dwight's numbers let me see if anybody's chat flashing in a fucking hand

no one flashing in chat room so we will continue and take a look at

dwight's number did i call dare ahead what happened did i put it in

hey would you listen to the show the other day when um morgan was on there and they did a call

and she was like talking like some of her stuff to one of the dudes i was like she reminded me

me for a second of like what zolar is trying to do with his girl voice i started thinking man

you'd be a fucking hilarious man have zola and her do a call together man sounds like you could

devote to the voices and it would trip somebody out man because i mean her she was like a close

approximation like zola almost got her voice approximated pretty hilarious yeah you must

miss that i guess i did oh man sorry about that i thought she was on the card when was it again

No, what was that?

One of the two days we did a call and Morgan was on there.

Oh, do you mean like the chat line, the free chat line thing?

Yeah, I think it was a different call, but it was during them sessions.

Maybe he was off there during that call.

I don't know.

Maybe.

But I know I started laughing because she said something that reminded me how Zola fucks with people, you know, and he's like doing his email voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It did remind me.

She was, like, talking the dominant stuff to some of these dudes, and I started laughing

because it was, like, the same line, almost the same timbre in their voices.

Come on.

Can

answer here from

this head hey is this head oh no this is triple a carolina costume huh what's so funny not good

Not good.

What's so funny?

What's fine?

What's so funny?

Life.

Okay, what are you doing?

Why not?

How are you doing?

What are you doing there, honey baby?

Working.

Yeah?

Are you wet?

That was a great idea.

Stupid.

Hey, dude, man.

How about those Giants?

You hear about that shit?

Tribe, baby.

Giants, man.

We're topping in the world, man.

We're going to it again, man.

We're going to do it again.

Baseball, you're talking about?

Yes, sir.

I don't want to talk about my Giants, who are the New York Giants,

who lost to the Cowboys today by 10 points.

The Cowgirls.

Oh, that's a struggling defeat.

I'm sorry, dude.

That's stunning.

I hate the Cowgirls.

31-21.

I'm in the list.

Dallas Showboats.

Anyway, moving right along.

Moving right along.

How many people's on the team this year, man?

You guys got your team going, right?

Our league.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's fine.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, I think now.

I think we're done.

I don't know.

You guys got special rules this year?

What's the brief breakdown on that?

Special rules?

I think last time you guys had a different amount of people,

and you changed the rules a little bit.

Oh, not really.

Just get points for if your quarterback throws a touchdown pass.

You get seven points, I believe, or six if it's, you know, a 20-yard pass and there's an extra 10.

If it's a 30-yard pass, an extra 10.

40-yard pass, an extra 10 on top of that.

All right.

Your running backs and receivers get points for each reception.

They get one point per reception, one point for every 10 yards, and seven or six points for a touchdown.

touchdown and if it's a long touchdown pass the same the same bonus system the 10 point for every

10 points past 20 i think oh yeah and then you can pick a defense i don't understand how the

defense works really i know if if the defense you know you get performance points so not only do you

get the point but they really perform well you get extra points yeah like yeah so the defense like

let's say you know returns a fumble for you know gets a pick six or you know returns a fumble for

or a touchdown. You get some

extra points there, depending on the defense

for the team that you pick.

We have kickers.

I mean, there's points based on how many

kicks they make or attempt,

etc., etc. I mean, you can

add head coaches and shit. You can add

defensive players. It gets too

crazy at that point. Head coaches, you don't even

know what the fuck. How does a head coach get points?

I don't know. At some point,

they'll have defensive coordinator

fantasy football points or some shit. I don't

know. That'd be fun. That'd be awesome

So if they had, you could draft a defensive fucking coordinator,

offensive coordinator, medical crew, team doctor.

How about like drafting cheerleaders?

I'd be all for that shit.

All right, people are getting restless.

Restless, I'm sure.

Moving that along.

I feel it in the ether.

Anyway, I just wanted a quick update on there.

Sorry about that.

I figured you were looking for numbers.

That's why I was asking real quick.

In about 10, 15 minutes, I guess it'll be time for Dwight.

I'm pushing him out a little bit

so the other guys can join me and you

because we started late, you know what I mean?

But then again, I don't want to

do it too late. I do have a physical therapy appointment

in the morning tomorrow at 9

something, so I do have to be up kind of early

not super early.

That's nice, man. So Google masturbates you

for yourself. That's all right.

Yeah, man. They've masturbated.

Yeah.

How about some more pranks?

Sir, about 10 minutes from

I'm opening the Skype conference

here for our friends.

Any of you guys out there

know who you are,

you want to jump on, get ready.

I know Jag wants

to be on, and Dwight's going to be joining us

also, for sure.

I'll tell you that.

Jag TV.

Also, we'll be taking a break at about

30, I think, to be honest.

That'll be time for a break, so prepare yourselves.

We will take a

five or six minute break

probably tonight

and go on

I expect until 1.30 Eastern

that's just the outlook for you guys

so there you go, plan your night accordingly

speaking of planning things

I want to make sure that you head over

if you are an iTunes user, which is pretty much

everybody these days, head over to

the iTunes store

and do a search for

Prank Call Nation, you should get a result

on your page

page there for the prank call nation podcast if you haven't yet go in there subscribe to it

via itunes that'll should automatically put it on any apple devices you have um or your computer

itself that you're using itunes with and also be sure to comment and rate us give us a five star

rating and you'll get five madhouse dollars yeah madhouse dollars keep in mind madhouse dollars

have no value and cannot be redeemed for anything

online. Only Madhouse

Munchies in the Madhouse Studios.

Five Madhouse dollars

equals one Ellerbuck for our

PLA users and friends.

That's right. If you collect ten of them,

you can get a free dab

in the studios. A dab?

Hey, there you go. That's not bad.

Not bad, not bad. Do they give you samples at your

dispensary? I heard they give samples, free samples

all the time. Is that true? No, not

really, but I know everybody there

like, so, yeah.

so, like, I can get just about anything I want.

Like, you know, so, like, they know what I like,

so, like, they'll go through, like, 30 of them there,

and they'll tell me the ones that I should look at.

And they're never wrong.

You ever get some hard drugs, man?

Yeah, dude, I got some other ass.

This is a Girl Scout cookie, man, like, top shelf.

And this bucket is so hard, man.

You've got to, like, get a pair of pliers to cut it.

Man, it's so dense, man.

But, no, it's not quite that hard, but it is really hard.

You can't crunch it with your fingers.

It's funny you mention that.

I have some Girl Scout cookies here, too.

Nice.

Very delicious.

Very good.

Isn't that a tasty treat?

It has little gray cookies.

Yes.

I think Sloth made these.

Sloth did a great job with these Girl Scout cookies.

He's quite the baker, I tell you.

He brought me cookies when I was in rehab.

It was so nice.

He was like, oh, here's some cookies, and he brought me a care package from Dark Stranger.

It felt so nice.

It was great.

Nice.

I got those Chinese finger torture toys, you know?

I got one, and I just kept messing around with it.

It was kind of cool.

I played with it for a whole day.

Did you keep it woven together so if you pull it, it gets tighter?

Yeah, it's scary at first when you don't know that.

You're like, oh, my God, I'm going to have to go to the hospital then.

But in the end, I threw it at the old man that was staying with me when he wasn't looking,

and I saw it on the floor after.

I think he just rolled it.

Oh, God, he was so gross.

who's coughing up like he had like water in his lungs dude yeah he had trouble breathing and he

wasn't talking about it's like dude you need to tell me you got trouble breathing bro that's no

joke you know you might have copd or something well he had just come back when i was there half

the time that i was in there he was the dude wasn't there because he was uh in the hospital

because he's having breathing trouble he got better in the hospital came back and it started coming

right back again it was like dude i was like i don't know if it's got some kind of fucked up

bronchitis shit that i'm gonna catch i moved i moved everything as far away as i could at that

point everything my seat at the rehab place i had to stay at where after the post ankle surgery

orthopedic rehab place okay you don't want kpc dude you know that kpc shit dude they can't cure

you man you'll fucking die right there in the hospital i don't know the antibiotics don't work

on that kpc bacteria he couldn't walk he couldn't get up he had to shit he had to use the bedpan

to take a shit and uh and he had to piss in a bottle all the time it was so fucking gross man

oh at least i don't have to share a bathroom with him he's just doing in the fucking room

man oh you now i know we got the recordings that oh

yeah right from him right there oh god that's gross anyway come on let's do some prank calls

all right here's uh the ata conference is going on hey the famous ata conference we call this in

our first year being on the air gentleman by the name of tim cersei was the ceo or president

and I don't know what the correct title was

of this. Again, it's the American

Telemarketers Association. They only

go by ATA now. They wised up

and took the telemarketer

part out of their official name.

Tim Cersei no longer works

there. Nunu had a great experience with him. He kept

pranking him with soundboard pranks, Milkman.

Remember that? He would call him with like

Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks shit and all that.

Yeah, he would follow him on Facebook

back when Farmville was big.

Nunu was stalking him on

Farmville on Facebook.

And Nunu had me

call the ATA

to have them tell him that Tim

seriously had to make sure to

water his plants or whatever that game was.

I never played that thing.

You tell me Nunu is on Facebook.

How come I didn't know that?

He's not on Facebook. He just watches it, apparently.

How can you play Farmville games

without being on Facebook?

I don't know. Shh. Stop talking about it.

He's on Facebook.

Don't talk about it because

because that's Nunu's private life, all right?

All right, Nunu.

I want you to add me on Facebook.

Good luck with it.

You idiot.

Haunt.

Wanker.

Nunu, don't listen to him.

Don't ever do that.

Stay secret, man.

Stay clean.

Stay clear, man.

You're good.

I'm okay with Nunu being how he is.

I happen to consider him a friend,

even though I don't even know he's just a girl or a boy.

Or what his name is, or how old it is.

What else do we not know?

Well, you know, he used to work at Tesco's, man, before the day five with him.

No, it didn't.

Morning.

Good work.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Does Nunu work there?

He used to.

Shut up.

Does Nunu work there?

Who?

Nunu.

I don't know Nunu.

Okay.

Can I be transferred to a guest there, Mr. Grudzinski?

Just a moment.

Thank you.

This is the CEO and president of this organization.

Good morning, front desk.

Lawrence, are you at service?

I need to speak with Mr. Grudzinski.

How do you spell that last name, sir?

G-R-U-D-Z-I-N-S-K-I.

Oh, of course.

My pleasure to connect you.

One moment, please.

2-2-5-8-7.

Yes, one moment, please.

Thank you.

Okay.

Yes, is this Mr. Grudzinski?

Oh, he picked up and hung up like a stupid fuck.

Shit, he was there, though.

All right, let's call back, eh?

All right.

Good morning.

I'm BTC Washington.

I'm waiting for you.

I need to be transferred to a guest there, please.

I gave, uh, what's the name, sir?

Uh, the, it, it dropped.

Uh, he picked up, though.

It's Grudzinski.

It's my computer, sir, and that's why I gave it to him.

Sheesh.

That's why I gave it to him.

Damn computers, right?

Sheesh.

I need to speak to a guest there.

Okay, do you know his last name, sir, please?

Grudzinski.

Name is, please?

G-R-U-D-Z-I-N-S-K-I.

Can you spell that again, please?

G as in girl.

R.

Okay.

Did you get the R?

U-Z...

U...

I'm sorry.

Shit.

U-D-Z-I-N-S-K-I.

He's there.

Okay.

First name?

I was just trying to...

First name?

Phil.

Okay.

Let me connect you.

Thank you, honey.

All right.

Mr. Grudzinski.

yes we were disconnected i apologize i'm calling from the front desk yes uh sir we have a strict

rule regarding loud noises at night we have a lights out that's already gone by 8 p.m on sundays

what are you talking about we have reports that you have very loud noise sexual noises coming from

your room it's okay to have sex i know we all get excited who is this i'm calling from the front

front desk. No, we have a complaint

about loud sex noises from your room.

Yeah, what's your name? Cross. Cross what?

Just Cross. The name is Cross.

Just Cross. That's it, huh? That's all you need.

Let me tell you something. If there are

loud sexual noises, could you please

make sure that you send her back up to my

room so that I can actually

figure out who it would be?

Alright, sure.

Really appreciate it, buddy. Thanks.

For $50 a month, I can do that

for you for $30.

Beautiful call, dude.

That dude, that's a keeper, man.

Fucking definitely, man.

Marked that one on the log.

He loved it, man.

You was a hit.

He had a good time with that, right?

That's good.

I'm not going to bother him again.

He seemed cool.

He was cool, dude.

Unfortunately, it was KDK.

It wasn't a girl.

And a correction from Nunu.

This company, sorry, this organization,

I think they're just like a lobby group, lobbyist group,

but they're not called PACE, P-A-C-E.

No idea what that stands for.

I knew Nooners would be happy for that one.

The Professional Association for Customer Engagement.

Right.

Sounds better than American Telemarketers Association, right?

Right.

Sneaky, sneaky.

Let me see what they are.

If they're a union or what.

The only non-profit trade

organization dedicated exclusively

to the advancement of

companies that use a multi-channel

approach to engaging

their customers. Bullshit talk.

Both business to business and

business to consumer.

So they're not telling me what they are.

Other than they support

businesses that call other

businesses or their customers.

So that's everything.

The problem is they also

call people who aren't their customers

in order to leave a big gray area in their name yeah the problem is milkman rose trying to say

is that they call people who are not their customer consumers you know right

exactly the gray area hence the gray area

unless by consumers they mean their customers they mean the company that's paying them to

call people to sell something maybe that's what they mean asterix you see how sneaky these guys

are even in their mission statement you can turn that around so many ways that's why it was

cleverly worded man now uh nunu reports here that uh tim is it out of this list is fat

or does it mean tom nunu do you mean tom please clarify that sir hell yeah nunu the point man

back on the point he's an expert at these conferences dude so if anybody can handle it

man thank you nina i can't believe you did that thank you buddy thanks man thanks man thank you

mang that's right let me let me always used to handle these conferences dude i mean back in the

day like you would get these conferences like i even got you and zolar and those guys on the

big conference remember that shit zolar was in on it man well milkman let's explain please what it

was is the original american telemarketers association which from now on will be called

called ATA Conference.

It's like a conference, like a con, like businesses have.

They invite a keynote speaker who's semi-famous.

So they invited Jack Valenti.

Jack Valenti.

Not Valente, that's me.

Jack Valenti was the former president of the RIAA.

Right?

Am I correct there?

Recording industry?

No, no, no.

The movie.

The MPAA, right?

Do with that.

The MPAA.

he was involved with it yeah he's he's well famously known for implementing the rating

system that we have now the the gpg and r system and they later added pg-13 and x i believe that's

how it works um anyway uh so there's an x and a triple x but there's no 2x i want is that 2x like

skin and max you know is that what it would be 2x skin and max i think like 1x like would be like

like soft porn like we're like blurred out or not you're not really you just you kind of know that

they got together and then yeah double x be like where you can like see something a little bit but

not like full-on explicit like clearly like spice like spice channel or playboy was in the 90s and

80s basically right where they wouldn't show insertion there was no insertion they wouldn't

show full front yeah this would have been your forms of x and double x yeah yeah okay yeah

For Hot R, we're going to call it that.

Playboy sucks so bad.

I remember when I watched it, I was just desperate

because this is pre-internet, guys.

So I would have to use

the scrambler box on the

Playboy channel when my parents

weren't at home or if they were sleeping and super

late and they just happened to be up. Usually

Saturday nights because all through middle school

I watched Saturday Night Live starting

early in the 6th grade.

So I was usually up, you know,

SNL finishes at 1 and if I was

that tired yet i'd be like oh yeah mom and dad sleeping let's go turn the switch on the

scrambler and tune into channel 52 i think it was 52 so much of a perv i was and yeah man what

was suckless it would work and then every once in a while it would send a digital it would send

a signal that would kill it and you would have to shut down the box turn it back on and re-scramble

every maybe once an hour they would send that signal up i remember and it was one hour but

But seeing them like where you could get them, you could get it to sync itself.

Every 20 seconds, it would sync up, right?

But then it would only last, right?

And then you'd have to wait, right?

Then it would sync back up and it would go.

The scrambled view, you could get the sound, but it was all scrambled.

Just the view was scrambled.

It was encrypted or something.

Right, right.

You could watch the picture.

See, it depends on the method that they can scramble it with.

Sometimes it would form and then it would go out.

You know what?

You could do also.

Also, I remember for a while before we had the Discrambler, you could do the analog tuning on the channel, on channel three, and get it to where it would stop, but it would be black and white.

Your color didn't work.

That's what I'm talking about, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.

You could, like, get it to sync up.

Yeah, I remember that.

Not sure, but, dude, that's all they had because it wasn't internet porn.

The only real porn, if you had, like, the expensive tapes that were just coming out, was originally on, like, movie reels.

you have to get these little movie reels without sound on them that was all there was in books

you kids don't realize how easy you got it when you want to whack off man back in the old days

you had to use your imagination a lot yeah back when i and i don't know if it's like that anymore

but it was uh underground trading of vhs tapes um that were usually probably just copied from

parents when they were out dubbed and uh magazines like well yeah for some reason people would have

have like stashes of magazines and it would always end up in the woods it happened like three times

that i remember of like straight up once i was walking in the woods behind my house there's a

nature trail back there was walking and this black dude they were like maybe two years older than me

so i was like 12 13 and they were 14 15 i guess they were probably fucking in the woods a black

dude and his blonde white girl came out i already knew i knew from the neighborhood like hey what's

up you know just walking by and the black guy was carrying a bag and he said hey they were both

both giggle and say hey did you want some porn and and the girl said that to me i'm like oh

and she opened he opened up the bag it was like a leather bag and it was like a stack of fucking

porn like like really explicit porn i was like fuck yeah yeah and he said he said keep the bag

we stole it i guess they broke into a house and they stole it and i guess they started looking

at him and got you know they just got their freak out in the woods i was like fuck yeah so i had

had this massive stack of it was club magazine it was club magazine cherry magazine and uh hustler

i think hustler and there might have been like a few like of those local singles numbers i was

too scared to call them oh well like the local swinger singles ones that were in there i never

another one was popular gent nugget yeah maybe gent i don't know i remember i remember for sure

club i love club magazine that was the best that was the raunchiest shit they had like posters in

there with a massive cock uh in a girl's mouth it's a fucking stick it's like who needs this

giant cock it's like a uh bigger than than life it's the cock itself is like a foot and a half

long on the paper horse cock horsey cat man you gotta see the horse cock on that horsey cat

down the wood mom i swear it wasn't me i didn't i didn't i don't know where they came from mom

He just come up to me and give it to me in the woods

No need to cock that big air

Let's add Dwight here to the call

You alright with that, Milt Ben?

Yeah, I thought you were going to do some more calls

Let's do some more calls

Oh yeah, we're doing more calls

It's going to take a break in about 15

Dwight's going to be here in a second

Let me get Jag here

Dwight McClann, I fucking hate

I'm glad to hear that while you're using the scrambler there

You heard my early FX career

Oh, fuck yeah

yeah yeah so that guy with the uh bag did he give you your first uh edition of big black pussy

bumpers yeah yeah that wasn't there for sure no he was he was cool he was uh one of my good

friends in in school in middle school at this point it was his older brother i already knew

him like you know we would play ball sometimes together and shit in the neighborhood and i was

like what the fuck it was like in the middle of the school day like i was out supposed to be out

sick i think being sick and i was just hanging out in the woods smoking cigarettes and shit

it probably i think i had like a pack of cigarettes that my mom found right after that but uh and she

didn't find the porn though i was more scared of her finding the porn than the cigarettes and i got

in a lot of trouble for her finding that half pack of cigarettes that i had left a pack of

new ports it really puzzles me though i can understand them having like one or two magazines

but a whole fucking bag dude i know it was a leather case like a not like a satchel that's

That's where we did it, dude.

Like a satchel size, really nice.

We traded them back and forth.

Yeah, like really nice leather, brown crushed leather.

And he said, yeah, I guess they probably broke into a house

or they stole it from her dad or some shit.

I don't know.

Well, stole it from the parents or something, dude.

Because that's what, you either got it from the parents

or if you got brave and like in the newsstand store and blocked the view,

maybe you could do it that way.

Other than that, dude, man, it was hard to get.

He's got a real nice briefcase he carries with him.

no i can't i can't show you the contents of this this is private that's just weird i guess that's

where the whoever it was hit it you know probably some christian fuck probably some episcopalian

me and your mommy whenever you know whenever you're in bed now some protestant motherfucker

just like oh no one can see my shit jaggy here oh still dialing him let's get jag on also

jag off so we can

jag on so we can

jag off oh shit

jag off jag off

are you happy with

your show description

Dwight on the PCN

page I never saw it

go in there and like

if you want something

else put it in and

that goes for all the

hosts who are

listening if you want

I know actually we

need that we need

everyone to do that

or if not I'm just

going to come up with

some bullshit that

makes no sense yeah

I told you I was

going to come up with

something that I

totally forgot about

it yeah you can

believe the struggles

I had to go through

just to get a couple

logos made yeah yeah dude i'm art i can't do shit with art dude so i feel you i feel you i feels you

okay uh doing more pranks let me get back to your numbers just to let you know at the bottom of that

list uh dashie sent me about 20 numbers of people named richard head okay dick dick dickhead i get

it i get it all right european lingerie and honolulu let's see if they're still open i think

used panties on craigslist and this was popping up that's nasty here you take it because i don't

want no furniture and somehow we got on the subject where i tried to talk the woman into

wearing some panties for me to buy dude i was at a flea market in daytona beach florida and

there was a lady there selling a huge fucking ton of used panties and a bunch of white trash

women going through it like combing through it and they were like designer panties just used

used i guess gently used and she was she had this big megaphone it was like come on ladies we got

four for five something like that use panties right here gently used get your chlamydia

my mom was like that is fucking disgusting and there were like good three or four what it was

like this old lady i remember this old witch looking lady you know when those old ladies

who get a wart and gray hairs and their their lips get all the lips the bottlenecks sticking

like the dead's grandma before she passed god bless her but like the dead's grandma

i i wouldn't even i wouldn't even borrow my closest friends underway i would free

ball before i said hey let me use a pair of your drawers yeah yeah hey come man

prank

back prank calls right did they uh not answer let me try them again

they didn't they didn't answer you we got an exciting break lined up for you including a

prank call and a sean award prank call wow man you can buy for 35 dollars a pack man

Oh yeah, Milkman, I wanted to mention

the reason I was late was because I was at a movie

I rarely go to the movie theater

but I made an appearance today on behalf of

PCN

but I saw that this movie

Fury came out this weekend with

Brad Pitt, it's a tank, World War II

tank battalion movie tank column movie uh it was it was good action-packed wasn't perfect but it

was pretty good um uh but i can't wait for it to come out on home video dwight you've reminded me

because you're good with shit like this um it i want to grab the audio from that movie there's a

part where they are they're all in a tank and they say machine they named the new guy machine

like oh that's a good name machine like machine machine machine i gotta get that and also the

The Mexican guy, he's shooting up some Nazis, and he says,

Chinga tu madre.

I lost my shit.

I'm the only one laughing during this.

They're like, what?

It's like a serious moment.

You're fucking losing your shit.

He goes, chinga tu madre.

I'm like, oh, shit.

That's like during Titanic when people were falling.

They were hitting the propellers.

I was fucking cracking up.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I forgot.

People are dying.

Did you notice the guy that looked like Stalin that was up there with the two fucking people

at the end of when the titanic was about to stink there was like some guy that looked like stalin

dressed dressed like a chef i just watched i just remember watching it and saying hey stalin

see stalin in that scene where it's about to go down you know they're standing on the very end of

it right they got over the railing yeah it's leo dicaprio uh big girl and the stalin chef

anyway what was i saying yeah we need to grab audio from that movie when it comes out try to

You'll get a chance Tuesday.

The Purge Anarchy, the second one

comes out. It's actually really good.

It's a lot better than the first

one. Is it the one where there's like a

night once a year where you can kill

and murder? Yeah, it's a lot

crazier than the first one.

Really? Okay, I haven't seen the first one yet.

It looked interesting. The first one

you don't even want to watch. It's stupid.

Ethan Hawke was horrible.

Oh, okay.

I should have had something to say

and I forgot.

i don't forgot walmart's yeah maybe it'll come back to me adahia chachahia what this is a hotel

one oh okay so some lady named adahia chachahia has siberian husky puppies for sale eight weeks

old oh yeah let's get this shit what's up gentlemen you made it uh for two seconds

yeah

alright

I want you guys

to have a great show

God bless

I love you

bye honey

bye

I love you guys

please leave your message

for

909

4

6

5

6

7

shit

damn it

poppers

I can't believe

that Moppy bitch

had that

that service

for that hotel

to pick up

we can call back

some of those numbers

from earlier

because I had a good

string of calls

please leave your message

for nine zero nine just from hotel staff it was actually i'm not yelling sir oh shit grace yeah

let's call it again so you guys can save it all right because we need to hit that lady up she

poor guy i got the number people yeah and who did i tell some girl that i have superior phone powers

yeah yeah that was funny all right here's a no name uh selling a mini english bulldog puppet

I don't like taking my shirt off now that I've had surgeries.

I don't think I'll take my shirt off next time I go swimming or something.

It's not because I'm fat.

It's because of the surgery scars.

They look wicked.

Yeah.

I'm fat.

And I don't care.

Dude, if you get a tan, they'll go away.

No, we won't go.

No, they won't.

You won't see them as much, dude.

You got dark skin.

They'll blend in.

I got to get the tan first, dude.

I got to lay out.

It's like I'm in a cruise ship.

Oh, God.

I'm walking by like, ew, look at him.

It's a corpse.

It's a big, fat corpse.

It's a white Biggie Smalls being autopsied

Oh my god, the pain and everything

Alright

Campsites

There is community hot shower

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about

Where's that at, this time of year

Uh, Mountain View

I have no idea, is that camp

Look on that

It's just one

Honolulu

Mountain Dew

Honolulu

Get it

Honolulu

Maybe that's why he likes

Those Honolulu calls so much

Cause he's new

He sees shit like

You know

Like a serial killer

Would see symbolism

And shit

You ever see Red Dragon

Dwight

Remember Red Dragon

Wasn't Red Dragon

Wasn't that like a prequel

To

Silence of the Lambs?

Yeah, Silence of the Lambs.

The dude had the tattoo of some kind of

painting on his back, and he ate it.

He got to see it,

and he fucking ate it like,

fucking idiot, man.

Is your team going to win in fantasy today?

It's going to be tight, sir.

It's going to be tight. We're looking tight here,

unfortunately. I lucked out since

the Lions fucking ripped it up today.

When we come back from break here in a few

minutes, I will give a rundown of

the fantasy football scores. I don't care

if you don't like it, motherfuckers. Some of us like it.

We're into it, and we're going to do it.

It's for charity, so shut up.

It's not for charity.

Next year, we'll make it for charity. Next year, we're all going to

put in five bucks in the pot

and donate twelve times five.

Sixty dollars to charity.

Fuck yeah, we're going to donate

sixty dollars to charity, except

for the person who wins gets their money

back, so we'll donate fifty-five dollars

and I will match that donation.

I, Carlito, will match that donation.

oh shit what have i done i'm just bankrupting myself i just pledged 55 of my monies excuse me

if i win i will pledge an equal amount there you've qualified it there you if i win that's

better if you win you get 20 back and if you're the last person you have to match the total then

fuck it i don't have time for this you see we're ruining the show already we're not even talking

about it really blame mcclanahan mcclanahan who's around is baz around anyone else what do we got

dark stranger let me hit her up neon neon right here let me see if neon's on yes neon's on i'm

going down the list sloth is online but he's got to work i'll ask him and i don't see that

baz is online dialer is online but he's got to work he's always online dialer is seriously trying

to make it so he can come on the pcn network with his live show his his stuff does play on the

shoutcast once a day he has a blog you have to look at the schedule to see exactly when because

Because it changes every day.

What hour?

He's got about a three-hour block of best of GCR radio, Global Chaos Radio.

So be sure to check that out.

All right, I think he invited everybody I could.

Do we want Matt?

He's, you know, I love Matt, but he's still, you know, maybe after the break we'll invite Matt, right?

Yeah.

All right.

Neon requests a few minutes.

How about we just take the break?

We come back.

We add some more people.

We keep doing some prank calls.

Milkman, you have ingredients for that, sir?

I'm good to go, brother.

Let's do this thing, man.

Let's do this.

Take a little break and regroup with the more active calling people.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, active calling.

And, uh...

Seven, eight, eight, five.

I hope that when you die, the PPS in your box has a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, and you go straight out.

You are bigger than a woman.

Bigger than a woman.

Be behind.

Little woman.

Well, I'm bigger than a woman.

Thank you, who you are.

I'm here with Milkman, my co-host, long-time co-host, and Big Dwight McClanahan is here, and Neon is here.

How you doing, buddy?

Sup?

Hey, bitches.

All right.

Knock out some prank calls here.

We got about 45 minutes left.

Sorry.

Sorry I can't go super late tonight.

I'm going to start sniping off what's left on this list.

Let me go in order so you can reuse them later tonight if you need to.

All right.

Fuck it.

I'll do it live.

Fuck it.

I'll snipe them.

Fuck it.

I'll snipe them.

All right.

Here's a random one.

uh 350 ideal for c sun students room share okay so room share for 350 move in now

and an exclamation point now with one capital letter which is the n very interesting how we

put that i'll tell him that if he picks up god damn 395 to share a single apartment with five

others uh if you click the link that's a funny one look how they have this apartment set up

if you'll fucking crack up check bunk beds tell me bunk beds no it's even it's even funnier funnier

how are rental rates i'm looking them up now how are rental rates over there neon in la i know

they're bad in honolulu what's getting worse yeah yeah it's like out of control i think they're

trying to tell people to um kind of get locked in on their rent uh right as they can because the

it's gonna go way up well the ad right above the one that cross is looking at uh 650 dollars

you can rent somebody's living room oh my god fuck's sake that better include utilities um

yeah this this place did they did they do the walls with fucking wrapping paper no they're

hanging sheets from the wall to separate your little living space oh my oh yeah god that's

pathetic sleeping spaces with sheets taken from the ceiling oh fuck that this has to be some asian

of shit, motherfucker. Hell, that's worse

than camping. That's worse than camping with the

Boy Scouts. I took a picture. I have no idea.

It's like a countertop that's with this really

cheap laminate. What is that

picture? Right in the

middle. One, two, three, four,

five in from the left. What the hell

is... What am I looking at here? I can't see

shit anymore. Oh, those are more.

Okay. Oh, shit. That's like...

It's partitioned like an Asian massage

parlor would be.

If you've ever seen the movie Taken,

when he went to find his

daughter in the very first one like it was just a bunch of cordon off little space where people

were clocking they were just separated by sheets oh damn is that when they found her no yeah the

fourth one two three one two three four yeah the fifth and sixth one in that's uh that's the rooms

that's the sleeping spaces it's more off by sheets all right we'll post this in the chat

after the call unless you already did it which is uh no i'll post just the pictures yeah post

Close the pictures in.

That's a good idea.

And let's see if David picks up here.

Right, David?

No.

Mark.

Above the David, right?

No.

Yeah?

I don't see a Mark.

Mark, okay.

Single share.

$3.95.

Okay.

$10 for it.

Sorry.

Yeah, hi.

You got an apartment there for sure?

I do.

Oh, yeah.

What can you tell me about it?

How's the smell in there?

What'd you like to know?

How's the smell?

Does it smell like Asian people?

The smell?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Do you have Asian people staying there?

And you said, sorry, did you actually say how does it smell?

Yeah, does it smell okay there?

Are there a lot of orientals?

What?

I'm sorry, I'm in a loud place.

God damn it.

Are there any orientals?

That's okay, go ahead.

Fuck, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Are there any orientals there that stay there?

What do you mean, orientals?

Yeah, are there any there that stay?

No.

Okay, yeah, because their food is usually really stinky.

I had a problem with that apartment that I used to live in.

Uh-huh.

Are any of them from India or Bangladesh or any of that part of the world?

India.

No Asians at all?

No part of Asia?

No Indians, no Asians, no.

What do you have, Hispanics?

What's the makeup?

Yeah, two people from South America.

Ugh, that's disgusting.

Where?

Argentina?

I'm not sure.

Maybe Argentina.

Yeah, one of them.

Ugh.

Are they, like, dark skin or light skin?

Well, listen, I'm not sure that's going to work for you,

because it sounds like, you know, I appreciate where you're coming from,

But I don't think it's going to be a good mix for you, to be honest with you.

Are there any black people staying there?

Could be.

I haven't got everybody.

That's the problem.

Four people.

Okay.

Well, two now and two in December.

I prefer not black guys because they could go through my stuff, you know?

Because when I was in a halfway house, the black guy used to go through my stuff all the time.

He shared a room with me.

He would go through.

He would take my lunch money and everything.

Sure, I kind of understand that.

Well, listen, like I said, I can't guarantee anything in time, so.

His name was Lysol.

I don't think he's the best.

What's that?

The guy's name was Lysol.

He was really intimidating and scary.

Yeah, he had a beard.

Like a Rick Ross beard.

Sure, I can appreciate that.

He walked around in white boxers.

Yeah, I don't think there's going to be good history to be honest with you.

He walked around in white boxers and, like, no shirt on.

Really?

Or sometimes, like, a white beard.

Well, listen, man, I'm not sure I can help you with this.

So, uh, I want you to do the best you can, you know?

Take care.

Bye-bye.

All right.

Excuse me, did you say what does it smell like in there?

he didn't like that what he said at the end did he said what maybe we can go to the ymc and work

out sometime i couldn't understand what he was saying is that what he said the ymca

all right let's move on here let some of our guests do pranks starting with neon

broke okay what's this someone's shit on the floor

I believe it's the second picture

It looks like somebody just shit all over the floor

Of this apartment

Put it in the Skype

I believe the name's Roke

Oh yeah this looks like some dookie

Dookie pellets

I got it here

Hang on I'm posting it

People don't clean up before they take those pictures

Like dude it looks like somebody shit

Right over by your refrigerator

Or like there's some

It looks like rat shit

Like a big ass rat shit there

Like a big lion

Like he shit all the way

Until he got under the

Oh my god

Like

Like it was well fed

And it just

Fucking

All over the place

It looks like it was

It was

That's a ghetto anyway

It looks like it was

Munching in the trash

And then

It heard someone coming

And got scared

And ran under the fridge

And shit

As he did that

Out of fear

Yeah

I scared my cat once

And he shit the floor

But he didn't know me

That well yet

And

I was

Watch

It was

Well

Well, I mean, Athena wasn't around.

She was out.

Scaring the shit out of the cat is not a good one.

They rarely forget that email.

Well, I came around and went,

like that.

He went, like that.

You're freaked out he ran?

Yeah.

He shit a little bit when he...

He shit out of it.

I feel so bad.

And I never did that much.

I do it now.

Now he's okay with it because he knows me.

He trusts me now.

He knows now.

I was just getting to know him now.

He's very scary.

He's a scaredy cat.

Chloe, the female, she'll come right out.

Yeah.

Yeah, Chloe the female will come out and just, you know, hang out.

Like, hey, what's up?

She'll flirt with you if you're a guy.

She's really cute.

She always comes out to say hi.

Like, when I had nurses coming, when I had my surgery before,

that first surgery, the appendectomy thing,

she was always friends with the nurse, the female nurse.

She's really cute.

Yeah, she's a cutie.

Dobby's awesome, too.

Yeah.

Okay, hey, blah, blah, blah, right?

Let's do some more calls.

I said neon, motherfucker.

Loading some numbers up.

Ms. Neon's coming up the bat on the chat now.

This is the rat shit kitchen.

Hi, I'm good.

What's up, baby?

You good, baby?

I'm good, kid.

Hello?

There's a message machine.

Yeah, answer the show.

You guys hear ringing.

Now you know.

Mark, it's me, Neon.

Motherfucker.

Let me see if we got any more numbers from Neon real quick.

Right.

He said there are more attendees for this American telemarketers convention.

Any of you want to talk to them?

We'll call the hotel.

tell, they seem to be pretty responsive

in being checked in.

Where is that now? How is it paying attention?

The telemarketers

convention? Telemarketers conference?

They got some pretty lax security

protocols there. I mean, the president answered.

The president answered. And they even had the name registered

in his name in the room.

Yeah. The famous

thing is, well, I was trying to say before I didn't finish

my thing was that Jack Valente

Valente was a

keynote speaker at the

the 2005 convention of this organization and that's when me recludes well i'm sorry that's

when zolar me reclude milkman called and uh prank called him several times we got tim cersei once or

twice and then we got jack valenti again who's very he was a lot of people a lot of horror fan

horror film fans he's dead now yeah he died of a stroke later on as i spent a day where i said

we'll be there after them calls

about a year or two after

but anyway

Zolar ended up getting him

a black escort sent to his place

two bottles

of Dom Perignon

flowers

I think that was it

there might have been people with pizzas too

we got him like two liters

of Dr. Pepper I believe

and like a Hawaiian pizza

or something like that

all sent to his room and then Zolar called back

and told the front desk he slipped and hit his head on he slipped in the shower that is it yeah

zola was calling as the concert's like sir we want you to know that we're very happy you're here did

you get your champagne he's like yeah i got the champagne i sent the strawberries back i think

that's what it was strawberries he didn't want but he kept the dom perignon fucking what a what

a miser right what a fucking hot sauce he takes the high dollar value product man rejects the

A little common stuff.

What a hosser.

A big hosser.

All right, here is the video store in Honolulu.

They got the longhand dealings with the Madhouse.

You know, well, it's a PCN.

Feel at home with the EPA or whoever they go by now.

All right, we're doing the video store.

Why did I want to talk to a video store?

What about it?

I forget.

Let's go.

because i have no idea what i'm doing here what are you doing what when you do that's okay go

ahead dwight oh neon yeah neon doesn't want to it's a bad one that's it you were talking about

when you were in charge of the videos and that guy would come in and say shit to you

oh space jam and then ask for space jam or here's the next one thank you good work dwight

you get a gold star on your dick man we used to get gold stars every show remember

number milkman stop doing that was so stupid again that's that was the day man were you around when

we did that dwight yeah yeah i was telling people the other day like yeah we'll call a number and i

called it on my cell before like i just started stupid shit on the phone i would call a new dance

artist because they're going you're like all right there's another dumbass nice all right no answer

are here it seems adios pendejo videorama black rose in the hood yes hi is this video store yeah

oh were you sleeping i stay home already do you have space jam is that space jam space jam do you

have no space jam you know this is all filipino movie look motherfucker do you have space jam

filipino version looking about do you have peck peck you don't have those do you have peck peck

movie she gets a transfer like charlie does to her cell phone when she's not there that's what

charlie used to do i think for the dewdrop then right that's how we that's how evil already got

his uh cell phone number because he wrote down the number he's like yeah they when they're not

I don't know the last couple of times I called.

I got yelled at once by Charlie's son and once by his daughter.

I never got his daughter, although I scared him into thinking that his daughter was arrested.

I was like, I called and said I was Dwight and I had to do the Pepsi order.

She was being a real bitch to me while I was being a dick to her too.

but uh the very next time it was like a couple weeks later i called and i'm like yeah i need

to do taxi over here she goes oh is this dwight um i go i go no no i that was the driver his name

is dwight but my name is dwight too she goes oh there's two dwights there huh i'm like yeah

he's a little asshole i had to write him up dude i gotta type up the notes for our pc we had a very

productive pc meeting unfortunately i had to leave before i did my production my presentation

station about our social media push but i did want to mention real quick hang on let me go to

those links right now who is who's making a cappuccino are you making tea what's going on

there papa oh i see nice drugs oh yeah smoking drugs smoking weed soaking reefers doing coke

fuck the drugs man stay with the natural medication man marijuana milk remember when

you went to that concert a few years ago when you took the shrooms that the guy gave you

I'm not just

which one man

fuck

which one

every one of them

man

it was like

two birthdays ago

or maybe not

on your birthday

but you called in

during the show

and you're like

I remember

I took a break

and you're like

man

I can't drive man

I'm like

what did you do

I thought you just smoked

you're like

no man

this guy gave me shrooms

I was like

I'm sorry

should I not be talking about that

it was really funny

it was hilarious

it has to go in a book

Milkman

you're gonna make a book

after I finish my book

you need to do yours

man because i want to hear it unless you want me to do a chapter uh-oh the phone dropped

the last milkman he got mad at me let's play this song while he was while he went

on the computer he's like shit he's scrambling

oh he threw the laptop in anger that i mentioned about the sherman city

from the concert i think it was like a deaf leopard concert what was that

He spilled the bong water on his laptop.

He short-circuited and shit.

say that maybe i remember what you're talking about he was calling in from the concert

during the show he never mentioned though that he did that i should probably

he told me man don't tell nobody about this man i'm an ass i'm a bad friend aren't i all right

I remember a couple times

when he was like,

no, no, we're not on the water yet.

Hey, Milky, you're back.

What happened? Did you spill your bong water?

Did I lose you?

Did you spill the bong water?

Me?

No, no, no. I lost you there, man.

I lost the connection.

You was asking me a question.

I started answering it and it dropped.

Hey, I wanted to mention T-Mobile's

got a new spectrum going up,

A-Block Spectrum.

You might be able to get on them

and get better coverage.

what did you ask me then you asked me a question i was preparing to answer we shouldn't talk about

it we went to a concert once and you got a little crazy oh okay it was judas priest dude man i got

a big buzz on and i got so i couldn't even fucking walk dude man i was like so fucking

i laid down and i got a video of this shit i'm trying to hold the camera up

fucking i'm doing this psychedelic video man it looks so good afterwards man just watching

and i was like fucking hey so about probably at least the last hour dude i was like horizontal

watching the concert because they had a great big giant grass lawn it was so nice and warm

that evening man it was great so some dude gave you shrooms and you took them you took two of

them you said they'd smell like shit yeah i had some that night of course of course yes i did have

have some that night they were very good they were very good very colorful i remember i was

doing a show and then you called me like the sound would like start to stop you know and you'd like

hear it like changing frequency you know like it was really cool hey i was saying you could hear

changing pitches i was like what the fuck's going on look man i was saying that you called me and

when i took a break i took a break and you called me you said that you were scared to drive and i'm

like why and you explained what you just said i'm like oh my god i told you just to stay in

in your car yeah yeah man dude cuz like man i was fucking torched dude like after the show i was

like i don't want to fucking drive dude i'm fucking baking right now i'm having a good time

the show's over all right listen the convention did we what am i jumping around on topics a lot

is that going on can you guys help rein me in somebody got a vibrator going that's the phone

that's neon's vibrator that's not my vibrator man turn it off it's all right it was at the

talk videos preferred but audio will work some people got to get those you know what i'm saying

audio what i'm talking about take it when you can

all right neon talk to one of these conventioneers all right deal cool say say hey i'm a girl i'm

supposed to come down to give you a massage tell him all right here's what we'll do listen listen

listen listen you're gonna come down and give a massage and you're gonna tell them that uh phil

Bill Grudzinski, the guy that I just talked to, sent you.

Paid for you and sent you.

You just need to know what room you need to go to.

Can you do that, honey baby?

Bill Grudzinski, massage, come down.

Yes, yes.

Or you want the room number.

Just forget this guy in trouble.

Last time I did that, the person I did this with ended up being a 15-year-old kid or something.

Oh, shit.

Son of the Confederacy.

It was really funny, though.

When I figured it out, I backed out of it.

It was really funny.

Do you remember that we kept telling the adults

that the kids at the Confederacy were shitting in the pool?

Yes.

I need to be transferred to a guest there, please.

Mr. Bill Gessert.

G as in girl, E, S as in S, S as in S, E, R, T.

G-E-S? G like George?

G like girl, E, S like...

Sam?

I'm not showing a reservation for this gentleman.

Is there a Tom Chandler?

Okay, thank you, Mr. Chandler.

Yeah, massage.

Massage time.

It's massage time.

Tom Chandler, yes, sir.

Would you like to be connected?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Or is she going to put me through to the guy again?

Twice now she gets the info and takes me to the front desk.

The highest guest you have called is unavailable.

You may leave a private recorded message at the tone

or press zero and a Hyatt operator...

You are being transferred, and a Hyatt operator will assist you.

I'll try again.

There's a chick, too.

There's a Lisa.

Gessert.

So I think they're related.

Hello?

Yeah, can you try Tom Chandler again?

I got disconnected.

I'm on it.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Gessert.

Chandler.

Mr. Chandler?

Yes.

How are you this evening?

Who's this, please?

My name is Lena Tomkinson, and I'm waiting in the lobby.

I was hired by your company for an evening massage.

Are you going to allow me to come up to your room?

No, thank you, though.

This is very, this is rude.

I mean, I have other clients, but I was told that I have to be here.

Fuck.

Let me try to catch him real quick.

Calls and says no more calls.

This fucker.

Punk.

Maybe he wants to talk to a man.

I thought he was going to say, no, my boyfriend.

Yes, can we talk to Mr. Chandler, please?

You almost ruined it, buddy.

You almost poisoned the pool.

Talk to him for a little.

Beep beep in the pool.

Pool.

Beep beep beep beep.

Save the puppet people special.

Beep beep.

The highest guest you have called is unavailable.

All right, we'll leave him alone.

There's others there, but let's let the lady cool off

because she heard Milkman going,

The boyfriend.

All right, I'm needed.

You're fine.

I'm kidding.

Oh, you're the timeout, Milkman.

Oh, no.

I don't care.

It's all funny.

Even that's funny, dude.

Even that's funny.

I normally wreck calls.

That's awesome, dude.

Hey, phone.

A few more.

We got time for about ten more minutes.

A few more pranks.

Neon, you got one in.

Dwight, you get one in yet?

Did you have a good one yet?

I don't know what I got.

You have a good pool?

Okay, let's see if I can get you one.

Let's see if I can get you guys some pranks before we go.

How about a random Richard head, okay?

Ooh.

All right.

I didn't hit up my swap shop motherfuckers in Tennessee tonight.

Come on, guys.

Let's get everybody on top of this.

That's not like weed.

Catch that plane.

You're doing the dabs.

No answeration.

Holy shit, my man.

Are you alive?

Are you alive, man?

That was a massive hit.

That was a fucking hit.

Oh, yeah.

That was a good one, man.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Dragon fucking hit.

Blue dream, man, and platinum OG.

Yeah, baby.

You could fry the damn thing.

You're like, **** the pill.

He's out there with a blowtorch.

You got to go, brother.

This is the streets.

Hey, I'm sorry we're not here.

Pick up, motherfucker.

Yeah, lollygagging.

Is there a lollygagging?

We're lollygagging.

Where's this at?

What?

This is my hometown area code.

Yeah, motherfucker, pick up.

I know you can hear me, motherfucker.

Pick up, you motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Lollygagging.

Hello?

Shake your dick.

He ain't doing it.

That's in the town that Artie lives in.

the bear oh shit it's in a town where the party was right there's a skittles florida right now

skittles florida i saw him jump online i don't know if i'm going to lonesome loser's wedding

on the first dude that's the day after shit i've got to time that now that's the day after

your birthday show i might have to do your birthday show from the road machine

i might be able to do a lonesome you know the house that'll be cool he's a turtle though

I thought I was asking you about when we were talking about this offline earlier, dude.

That's why I was, like, asking.

I didn't know what the situation was.

I'll figure it out.

We'll get a show going, man.

We'll do it.

That's why I didn't want to bag your schedule is what I was trying to say offline.

Aw, I'll bag you, baby.

All right, you guys be cool, right?

I'll tag and bag you.

I'll throw you out like a fish that you can't keep.

Oh, man.

Is that the head president?

It was Richard.

Who is this?

Yeah, it's Dwight. I need to talk to Richard.

What's going on, dick?

Yeah, this is Dwight. Dwight.

What do I need from you?

Well, I'll tell you. Don't you get lippy with me, motherfucker.

Now listen here. You open your ears, alright?

You got them open?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay then.

I just called this ad. I saw it on the Craigslist about the married couple looking for some sex with the three ways.

And I'm answering your ad.

No, you've got the wrong family here.

Listen, dickhead. I know who I'm calling your dickhead.

You know what?

I just got out of the hospital.

Yeah, well, what were you in the hospital for?

Oh.

Too soon.

I was going to ask for his bitch wife, and I'm going to put the bitch back on then.

All right.

We'll see.

It's too fucking expensive.

This is bullshit.

Sorry.

Oh, he just got out of the hospital.

Oh.

Oh, motherfucker.

Pee-pee, I hope you feel better.

La, la, la.

Feel better.

A successful sex change.

Pee-pee.

Poo-pee-pee-pee.

What was that?

It was like a transfer, and then it hung up.

freaky tnt security probably you know how they're after me good call good call for a long time

you're a watered man that's a good quickie call right you could put that one on your youtube

i give you that because that's yours it's yours

i'm looking over my shoulder there's a porno about to come on one of my movies

that movie's good i think i try to i watch it but you know i wasn't i was really drunk on tequila

that night but i did try to watch on the movie theater and i just remember everyone with me

said the movie sucked and i kind of thought it did but we were all drunk and stoned so no way

right it's so good i just remember the boxing scenes and the caravan and a fake gun and a

and a robbery heist that's all i remember from that a car there was a black guy i loved it

because they're in the van and they're totally there's like these gangster dudes are like

like hardcore like rough looking and they're inside the van watching um pride and prejudice

like this 19th century english movie what the fuck it was awesome there's something wrong with

All right.

Here's a different Richard Head in Union Point.

Nan, would you like to try one or do you pass?

I pass.

Okay.

You guys can.

Dwight, would you like to do it?

I'm sure.

I'm sorry.

I was looking at something for my son for Christmas and yelling about the prices.

Oh, shit.

I didn't put that on.

Trying to buy him a gaming chair.

Cool.

Now we'll call your son.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, Richard.

Yeah, what's going on, man?

It's Dwight.

Do what now?

Yeah.

It's Dwight.

I'm sorry.

That cracked me up.

Do what now?

What's going on, man?

I don't know.

Who's this?

Yeah, it's Dwight.

I don't know, Dwayne.

Maybe you got the wrong person.

No, no, no.

Not Dwayne.

Dwight.

Come on.

Richard, cut your shit.

Come on now, dick.

You have the wrong person.

Do I, dickhead?

This is dickhead, right?

No.

Yeah, it is Richard Head, dickhead.

Yeah, I am Richard Head.

Nobody calls me dickhead

Well, I call you dick

Because you're a fucking asshole

And that's how I deal with dickheads

Well, I tell you what

If you come around me

You'll find out who the asshole is

Hey, don't you raise your voice to me, you cocksucker

Hey, Matt

Matt, if you're still listening

Dude, I'm sorry

I didn't mean to put you on after I came off a break

Fuck if I didn't forget

I feel bad now

Because it sounded like I didn't want him on

Which I was just joking when I said that

I couldn't deal with Matt right now

I just fucking caught me by surprise

Do what now?

Yeah, Matt would have cracked up.

Oh, Matt would have had fun with that call.

Aww.

I hope he gets to hear it if he didn't hear it.

Yeah, he's failing.

He's giving me the fuck you button.

He must be mad.

Lab track that.

Is he coming on?

No, he says he's busy.

I'm sorry, Matt.

Don't be mad.

Join us, please.

I'll go on extra time if he joins us for the...

In the next minute, I guess.

Hey, Carlito.

Just checking out.

I'm trying to get one of these fucking pedestal gaming chairs, you know, not the shitty ones where you guys sit on the floor with them.

You know, it's all wireless and stuff.

I found it on Amazon, probably the cheapest with free shipping.

And then I look at delivery, it says usually ships within four to five months.

I fucking hope so.

Four to five months?

Yeah, it says it right here.

I was like, what the fuck?

Everyone else was like, you know, one to two days, three to four business days.

Amazon's like, yeah, we'll give it to you sometime in the next fucking six months.

Nice.

Oh, man.

I'm typing a message to Jag in the chat.

I need you.

Yeah, Jag, the mixer that Jag was looking at there,

I bought that on eBay for him,

cheaper than what he's getting it on Amazon.

Yeah.

I've gotten both my mixers from Amazon.

I used to use a Xenix 1202.

Let me type that here for you.

The only difference is on Amazon,

Amazon, he's going to pay about $13

to ship it on eBay for the exact same

money he's paying, like $3.50.

That's too expensive. He doesn't need to spend that much for a mixer.

The one I got here

now is just because the one that I had

for five or six years finally fried on

me after being left on

constantly. How many channels you got? Four?

Uh, well, no.

More than that, I have eight channels.

Eight channels?

Eight channels.

How much did that one cost?

This one was $120-ish?

i think the one he's looking at it's an eight channel it's 69 70 bucks yeah yeah he can get

the 1202 i have the 1204 version he can get the 1202 that i used to have perfect i used it for

you know a long time like i said it just finally failed on me um they're pretty good

the the behringer is good quality but they're like a chinese company that

said this shit still fucks up and fails and there are some issues like audio files will tell you

with it but as far as like for an entry level like if you're doing this kind of thing i would

say one of the cheaper behringers would work or something something comparable to size and quality

rather quality and price point i would say for a person doing this as a first definitely they

definitely sound good for the money i mean if you want it for the money you want to get a mackie

you want a good one mackie it's like like vick mackie yeah if you want a good one

oh dude uh dwight um speaking of vick mackie you remember on the shield

dwight um the mexican dude that uh was on the team for like a season um army renta oh yeah

yeah he was in this movie he was the gunner that said chinga tu madre

i can't wait to hear that clip man it might be it might have been too loud because of music and

guns going off but still

the machine one is going to work perfectly there was no

music in the background during the machine

machine machine

you know I was thinking earlier when you were talking

about that guy you're like I'm stuck in the bathroom

you made me suck his dick and he said

you just wait I'm coming back you just sucked 10 dicks

I started thinking of the shield he's like

you ever suck a dick like a prison bitch

suck it

well that's a show

where there was a guy going around

glory holes when guys

would stick their cocks in it he'd uh snap a a mouse trap on your dick and you'd be like metal

teeth on it yeah it would leave you stuck to the glory hole in pain and until finally someone would

come around to save you or you had called on a cell phone the cops are coming in

yeah oh my god there's that mexican deer that got caught he's like don't tell my wife i already got

in trouble once i can't do it again and they had to keep coming around for an investigation

interrogation it's just like why are the police coming to see you again are you in trouble in the

bathroom again you've been doing it again oh shit it's horrible oh man did he end up killing

himself or something something happened i think he did kill himself once his wife found out

oh julian the closet gay he was he was feeling all day he's like i won't tell your wife i'm

let you out of here don't do it again all right julian julian was a closeted homosexual for a

while on that show oh i laughed my ass off when he was like making out with that like

puerto rican dude and then vick comes running in there with that warrant and catches him

he's like so you got your warrant here

the world's changed even since then man all right hey i love that show

man's not gonna join us one or two more prints and we'll move out of here neon

Leon, what would you like to do?

What kind of prank?

You want to call a business, a person?

I'm trying to get you to do one more if you want.

Okay, a person.

That's fine.

How about a video store?

Does that work out for you?

Okay.

All right.

This one's Moon Wah.

So I'm guessing it's like an Asian or maybe another Filipino.

I know all Filipino movies.

Oh, you must have a hell of a stock.

There are Indian movies here.

uh well video stores that cater to like indian and indian stores they have a lot of videos that

they rent and it's all bollywood movies that are hard to get imported and i think once a month they

have a bollywood movie at the main theater here in town uh like they do a double feature and a

bunch of indians go on a saturday night get all dressed up and they watch the bollywood movie and

it has the dancing scene and the fight scene just like you know cliche kind of stuff what a

beautiful culture right what a beautiful people and then they play cricket yeah inside the

inside there these fucking indians that live here in this apartment complex they play cricket on

the tennis ball and the tennis racket courts and ruin them a few thousand like a few thousand

dollars of damage they did there was a man with a one out yeah fuck i thought they're playing

cricket they call them bats the square planks they call them bats yeah but they fucked it up

really bad i guess they hit the ground with the fucking end of them sticks right probably

Oh, they pounded, yeah, with that, yeah.

That was fucking poured up, man.

Instead of throwing a regular ball, they're fucking up in the game throwing bowling balls and shit.

I've tried to watch that cricket shit.

It doesn't make any sense to me, man.

They're, like, winding back and rolling.

The object of it, dude, is from the bounce.

You're playing the ball off the bounce.

That's why they can hit it down low, like almost like a golf club swing.

Well, I get it.

So you're looking for the sissy of the group that can't throw a fucking strong throw.

It is designed for pussy kids, right?

That's the way the original Brits played their ball, man.

Then we turned it into baseball.

We did the overhand, like, fucking beat you down swing.

You know what would be awesome?

If for the NBA All-Star Weekend, they had a grandma ball game

where you had to play, like, the grandma shot

where you just spread your legs open and throw the ball from between your legs.

You know, like, fuck it.

Every shot had to be like that or they'd call a foul.

That would be awesome.

I remember MTV when they used to do the

MTV like

they did the baseball

the all-star baseball but they also did the basketball too

yeah I remember Queen Latifah

was in them and shit like that

Bill Bellamy was always in that shit

Bill Bellamy

dude he's not even a star he's not like

in anything I don't even know what Bill Bellamy

is man he's in a

random movie every once in a while like he was

in Any Given Sunday and he actually was pretty cool

in that he's got this

does he yeah he's like it's like some kind of uh game show or something oh yeah uh neon i'm trying

one more for you here here's alpha video but i'm out of time oh alpha fuck no but yeah oh no give

it to ken sounds like it sort it out there was one trying to get to the top of the list it was

like 8888 video i'll get it how september 10th is it check i'm kind of dead tonight

All right, well, next week we'll probably go on later.

You know, I'm sure I'll be on later in the week.

Anyway, I did mention before, be sure to check out Madhouse on...

Prank Call Nation on iTunes.

Subscribe, rate, and comment for the podcast there.

And also be sure to visit patreon.com forward slash prankcallnation.

You can make a donation of as little as a dollar.

support mass see it's gonna be hard to get used to this support pcn you can get 10 stickers for

a dollar donation right 10 for dollar right dwight we're looking at ones that stink it's gonna be

awesome yeah i'm looking at some scratches sniffing we're looking at scratches of stickers

and smelling yeah shit um and also if you're a youtube user go to tinyurl.com slash pc and

and YouTube, and subscribe to that

playlist, or just browse it and

view it. That's just the best of the

YouTube videos of all the on-air

talent from PCN. Alright,

Dwight and Neon, I'm going to let you go

so Milkman can say his goodbyes. Thanks for being

on. See you guys later. Bye, guys.

Bye. Goodbye,

Dwight-ish. Thank you.

Alright, Milkman, what do you got for us, sir? Take us out of here.

Alright, there you go, folks.

Another active back

installment of Madhouse, folks.

Thank you so much.

I want to thank everybody for stopping in.

We had quite a big cadre of guests tonight.

Everybody stopped in.

Here, Kenny and Neal and a couple other people were stopped in.

Thank you so much for dropping in and bringing some good numbers along, man.

Isn't that exciting?

Hey, Armand, me, oh, everybody over in the chat, thank you so much.

And that's right, don't forget to get over there and register so you can get a chat,

offer your comments, too, and get your gold star.

That's right.

Everybody in the mouth, we love you.

Thank you for stopping in.

We do this every week for you.

That's right.

The most interactive show you can find right here on the internet.

We drop the dime.

We pass.

Give us a time.

Bring a friend or bring an enemy.

Better yet, because they're always welcome right here in the madhouse.

We couldn't do it without our fearless leader, the Generalissimo of the madhouse.

Hey, Monito, man.

This guy's saving lives in one call at a time.

Thank you, my brother.

Thank you for having me on.

Yeah!

All right, so I've got to go, Milkman.

Thank you for being on.

I will talk to you later in the week.

Let's go over those plans

Okay, so we can ice it, peace

Alright, see you later

And to you, the listener machine

Thank you, you're the most important person here

And

Yeah, stay tuned to PCN Radio

PCN Radio

I'm going, bye

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio

Prankcast

Hey Dwight motherfucker, you ain't the real Madhouse

You cocksuckers

What the fuck

Boy, boy, boy.

Calls (25, 50 min of 2 h 29 min)

Transcript

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