All By Myself

Let's go, let's meet someone, motherfucker!

Where?

Lori.

Hole.

H-O-L-E.

Foundation.

Dot com.

Dot com?

Oh my god!

That's horrible!

Uh, what are you doing?

Bitch, why don't you come pick me up in San Leon, man?

We'll meet around the corner.

I'll fuck you up right now, nigga.

Go fuck yourself!

You little monkey!

You bastard!

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Where the fuck you at, bitch?

Bullshit, man.

Do you know something?

Don't listen to me.

What do you know?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

Meet me, motherfucker. You got a goddamn mouth?

Or won't you show me your fucking balls?

What the fuck do you want?

What the fuck?

Meet me, motherfucker. Meet me, bitch. Meet me.

Bullshit.

Tonight, I'm the host of Madhouse Radio.

My name is Carlitos.

And with me here, I have nobody.

I am alone. That's how I want it.

Right now.

All by myself.

Okay.

And we're going to be prank calling people.

people yay let's start off with that good hang on let me turn this radio down we got the tv going

on here how you doing you got a tree you got a tree uh you're talking about the one that needs

to be cut yeah you're trying to get rid of a big oak big black oak tree yes sir all right and you

still got that damn thing all right that's good uh how far away is it from the house oh it's not

not very far it's not very far from the house well um because what we're what i want to do is

um we're going to light the tree on fire and it's going to be about 10 of us we're going to dance

around it we're pagans we're going to sing to the to the to the white devil um you know we put

we put a few tires around it and some gasoline and we light it we call it a tree lighting not

not a tree burning it's a tree lighting and we call for the white devil to come out i don't think

so yeah well probably not because it's so close to your house right is that why well it's something

i don't believe in uh i know but but you can't discriminate you stupid little hussy little bitch

you old bitch you old bitch you old bitch you old bitch who is it this is rex rex millionaire

millionaire well what are you talking about our tree for well because you put it in that you're

getting rid of the tree and i want to light the tree on fire i like to see the fire i love fire

i love fire so much i love the smell of fire i like looking at i start fires at night and i look

at it i just stare i could stare all night to fire and embers yes hi sir um how are you doing today

god bless you good evening i don't hear well i said god bless you sir how you doing this evening

very well you well i see you got a tree a black oak tree that you're trying to get rid of yeah

yeah and i love fire i love burning stuff i can just sit there for hours staring at fire and

embers going at night especially outside i just i get a real kick out of fire um so i wanted to

come and you know actually burn it burn the motherfucker down you know with some tie i got

some tires some big tire tractor tires and i'll put them around it why why are you calling like

that i mean is this on the level or yeah yeah yeah i just i i love seeing the tree burn and

smelling the wood on fire and the white smoke i love it what was that noise was that you

where did where did where did you get your information i was wanting to get rid of a tree

i got it from someone said that they heard it on the radio on the radio yeah the radio machine

yeah yeah they said you had a nice big black oak tree we can burn that fucker make a lot of smoke

and look at it and look at the flames you know masturbate looking at it i believe this is just

No, no, no, you motherfucker.

It's not a prank call, motherfucker.

Listen, damn it, God, motherfucker, shit, asshole.

Your wife's a bitch.

Then you go fuck yourself.

Go fuck your wife.

Yay!

move on. This person will sit with the

elderly to clean, cook, and

run errands. Prefers nice.

Yeah.

Motherfucker. Be a great answering machine message

there for them. Telling motherfucker really

loud. Motherfucker. Yeah.

This is a part of the country where a lot of people

still have answering machine machines.

Alright. 20 or more Barbie dolls

for $20. Ooh.

Like each motherfucker?

A dollhouse and accessories

$40.

Ordered $40 squinkies with accessories.

What the fuck is a squinkie?

Let's find out what a squinkie is.

Let me copy it.

Let me right click it.

Let me search with Google.

Squinkies.

Okay.

Looks like they're just little dolls.

Oh, they're fucking doll motherfuckers.

Little pieces of shit.

Looks like you can put those up in an asshole if you want.

Alright, I'll try.

Kathy Bray's resident.

Please leave a message and we'll get back to you.

as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Hey, I gotta take a fucking shit.

I gotta take a shit.

Gotta take a shit.

Gonna take a big old shit, yeah.

Run through the shithole.

Yeah, just gotta take a shit, yeah.

Bring your toilet paper with you

from your MRE kit, yeah.

Is it a C-ration still?

Still, I think so.

That was an entire message I left for them.

Lovely.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Lancer, motherfucker?

Hey, or...

These people have a kerosene monitor.

Whatever that is.

I want to put it up to my computer machines.

Who runs on kerosene?

Kerosene.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

And a Hannibal Banner for Phantom.

Alright.

All right, Teresa is looking for a good electric dryer, white in color, white in color, okay?

White in color.

Don't be one of those black ones.

I'm sorry, I didn't get you the phone that night, baby.

Bitch, bitch.

I was going to ask her about writing it, man.

Come on, man.

Yes, hi.

I see you have, you're looking for a good electric dryer, a white one.

i was and i just put somebody don't call me i don't purchase one but thank you oh wait a minute

did you break your current one no i don't know it just don't work it don't hate it's not working

okay yeah because um that's that's what happens when you start writing it with your leg spread

on it within your underwear stupid bitch i know that would happen you do that so you can

ejac female ejaculate on it that would happen wasn't it because you're a woman you put it's

It's actually urine.

You would lose the control of your bladder.

Yeah, that happens too.

Yeah.

And it's usually because you had a bad relationship with your parent, like your father.

No, that would be nasty.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's just what the chances are.

Can I see your new one?

Can I see your new dryer?

I bought one this morning.

I want to see it when you get it.

Can I see it?

I want to touch and kiss it.

Oh, you're crazy.

Can I smell your old dryer?

Oh, yeah.

you can have it can i have some of the lint in there yeah you can't pick it up you can have it

yeah okay would you be interested in giving me a cup of your um laundry water maybe your soapy

laundry water can i buy like a thermos of it yeah you can but no don't run out with soap just with

your dirty panties and run it okay okay well i gotta get a little bit work i like to drink it

no you're not who's the guy back there are you fucking him does that work huh oh there's no guy

here no all right ha ha ha inside joke all right bye all right that was theresa now we're gonna

talk to shanna who's looking for a female long hair kitten any color yeah i see you looking for

a cat machine uh i already have one oh yeah it's not the one between your legs right hello she just

clicked click i already have one what happened when i used to say you stupid your

call has been forwarded to an auto you dumb why did you do that next we have big phil

big fat phil who is still looking for a free hot tub or to sell cheap like number four it two

number two run and be in good shape also have a set of top flight xl left-handed golf clubs

uh whatever he only played with it three times and he's asking so he's selling golf clubs but

he's mostly looking for a free or cheap hot tub let's see if he injured himself i call him a big

fat. Are you a big fat?

Fat Phil. Your call has been forwarded

to an... Motherfucker.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

Oh, there goes a good idea.

Family cat missing. Well,

don't want to do it. Uh,

I have a flat one acre lot for

rent. Ready for mobile home hookup

machines. Water, power,

and sewer available.

You need to bring the electric pole through.

Okay. Right again. Nope, nope.

nope not working nope okay well oh shit there we go someone will pay cash for old wooden baseball

bats made in dixon we talked to this guy once already over a month ago this guy's still out

here i think i remember i did he did kind of argue with me nope nope nope nope nope guys nope

resistance from behind gotcha i hate that okay well anyway let's look at the map here and see

see what i can get to answer there's a draft house cinema yeah yeah movie theaters i mean i

could call about setting up a bachelor party ha ha all right let's see if they're open see if it's

just not their information line with their times only on the tape alamay draft house cinema san

antonio named coolest theater in the world by wire.com and best theater in the nation by

entertainment weekly to better serve you please choose from the following options please press

Press 1.

Please press 2.

For our...

Located at U.S. Highway...

Assistance, please listen to the following options.

Oops, I hit zero.

Too late.

Your entry was not valid.

Please make your selection again.

You're calling the Alamo Draft House in Stone Oak.

We are located at 22806-281 North Highway.

Assistance...

Following options.

For showtime, press 1.

Office attendant, please press 2.

Manager, on the Alamo Draft House Stone Oak location,

please leave your name and number oh fuck it see we got the shops and wilderness let's see if they

have any stores around there's a coffee shop i don't think they're open now let's see and i have

hours listed gas station called biggs it's a valero sure why not hoping to have a silly show

here hopefully in a little bit my friends will join me if i have any anymore any of you guys

left you guys love me still no one loved me no one loved me no one loved me how I

gas make go hello hello hey boy how you doing yeah hi how do I make the go make

it go on which pump are you on on the main the main one the pump machine the

lights are going on I'm calling from the corporate office I was calling to see if

if we could do your weekly customer survey, please?

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Can you help me make it go?

Okay, what do I go?

Meet me to do.

Oh, okay.

Question number one is yes or no.

Okay, which one?

Yes.

Okay, yes.

Yes.

All right, I got you down as yes.

Okay.

All right, question number two is

can you describe the person in this picture right here?

Sure, so know how.

I'm holding it on the camera phone.

No, that's turn on your viewer.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's a viewer there you can use on the computer. Can you tell me what the options are?

You see, do you have start? Yeah. All right. And then, uh, shut down. Yeah. And then we shut down

the computer. Well, then you just do. And then when it comes up, you do restart, restart, and

then I'll tell you when it comes up. Yeah. All right. And then when it's coming back up, start

hit F F two as many times as you can, when it has the main thing come up, when it goes black,

you know all right and tell me if it takes you to the bios menu what's that oh that's your scanner

it might have been f12 all right hold the power button down just do it now so it shuts off and

then turn it back on and we'll try f12 this time f12 yeah f12 many times do f12 and delete f12

delete f12 delete one of those two should be it yeah oh

yeah uh do you want to just have them close

f12 f12 f12 f12 too late you weren't paying attention yeah asshole you know i want to go

home too you could just hold the power button down you know i'm sorry i didn't mean to lose

my composure just hold the power button down and it forces it to turn off and then turn it on again

yeah you know just go ahead and log in just go ahead and log in we'll do it one other way

Log in to...

The computer machine.

Okay, it's logged in now.

All right, and open up Internet Explorer, the blue E, and then let me know when it's ready.

Do you know the difference between the Google bar and the address bar?

Okay, so can you go to the address bar?

All right, and then in there, you're going to type in the...

It's the document website.

It's glory, G-L-O-R-Y, and then H as in hotel, O as in Oscar, L as in legal,

Google E. No, you're not. It's gloryholefoundation.com.org gloryholefoundation.org.

But you actually have to type it in the address bar. Yeah. No.com.com. Yeah. Sorry.

Hole. H-O-L-E. Foundation.com. Yeah. Yeah. And you should see the green tree.

Okay, you have to leave that there now

Gross

There's another guy hanging out with him

Cracking up

Shit

She says he can't close it

They're trying to close it and they can't

Awesome

I knew when it was Internet Explorer

That was going to be

It was going to get stuck there

Oh, gross

This is going to have to pull the plug up

shut down the computer dash it confirms that's what it looks like

the problem is the name can't we get it i mean i know we love the same we can keep using glory

hole foundation but get someone can we think of a different um short or shorter and more uh

more safer work name that would still work you know what i mean just have it redirect to the

the same could make it a tiny yeah but ghfoundation.com yeah i mean it is funny to get the

reaction because was it a one a dwight show recently where when when the i think xyz gave

out glory hole foundation and the guy was he's like glory hole you know what a glory hole is

don't you it was funny and i think they still went to it but yeah glory h foundation come up

up with the name like some benefactor okay i didn't get finished telling him to click it he

was already there he had already clicked it that's how well that's designed that's funny

that was awesome okay call him back no leave him alone leave him alone you guys find him and call

call him back if you want oh man all right let's call olive garden oh gross ew a penis a penis

ew gross a penis treefart.com what the fuck is a tree fart oxygen oh this one sucks this is

olive garden such a shit how can i help you today oh hi big caitlin how you doing good how are you

i'm doing good big girl it's nice to talk to you um yeah yes yes yeah okay were you calling for

yeah yeah i was i was calling here i was one did i need to give you the information i'm sorry i'm

totally lost what are you calling for i had the party of five machine oh okay i was supposed to

call about okay okay you said the party of five yeah are you menstruating no okay so can you help

me yes i can't but the only problem is that we don't take any reservations under eight okay we'll

make it nine though make it nine yeah i'm an airline pilot okay okay no problem all right

i want to have i want to have i want to bring my own uh stuff though i'm bringing in my own glasses

and silverware okay give me one second actually let me have you talk to the manager about that

yeah are your tables bolted into the ground or are they can they can they be moved um our boots

Moops cannot be moved, but our tables, like just regular top tables, they can be moved.

All right, yes, because we're going to probably be flipping over some tables at some point.

Okay, let me have you talk to a manager.

All right, honey, baby.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Can I have your name, please?

Cross.

Ross?

Cross.

Okay, give me one second.

This is the manager, Shane.

How may I assist you?

This is the what?

This is Shane.

How may I assist you?

Shane?

Yes.

How do you spell that?

S-H-A-N-E.

S-H...

Oh, Shane.

Yes.

I thought it was Sane, and then I started thinking, that's a cool name for a rapper.

You know, like my name's Sane.

Oh, no, not a rapper.

Okay.

Are you colored?

I am.

Okay.

Is there a white Anglo I could speak to, a manager, like a real manager?

Unfortunately, no.

and if you are going to play

on the telephone, sir, we would ask you to

call another business. Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to call another business.

Please help. Come on.

I'm a black manager. I'm a sassy.

Oh, fuck it. Leave him alone.

We already are ignorant and rude

and nasty. Stop playing that.

Jesus. Alright, we're calling Longhorn Steakhouse.

Other side of the parking lot.

Owned by the same fucking holding

company. Darn restaurants.

restaurants sponsors of the first hour madhouse radio live this is the spaces tonight

if you're listening please be sure to visit visit this is the credit call nation.com

my own website is madhouse live.com

ah it's the fucking end of my day the song's about the end of his jim morrison's dick

You know that song, This is the End?

What was that?

You know that song, This is the End by The Doors, that you were playing there earlier?

I believe so.

There's a song that goes, this is the end.

You ever heard it?

I don't know.

Well, he's talking about the end of his dick.

Yeah, that's a true fact.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

All right.

Can I have a name?

Cross.

And a number to reach you at?

Uh, 225-2014.

And what can I get for you?

Uh, one meat.

what was that one meat um what kind of steak would you like uh meat one meat uh cooked hello

uh sorry one meat cooked with heat okay okay one vegetable one starch one plastic container

one seasoning one salt are you menstruating what was that are you menstruating um not exactly can

i put you on hold for just a second okay thanks that's a weird guy first of all he asked if i'm

I'm on my period.

And that hits like a lot of meat.

I just had to go check.

Okay.

Should I just hang up, call back, the old bouncy bounce?

Dylan, how may I help you?

Yeah, what's going on here?

How you doing?

Not good.

What's wrong, sir?

Yeah, well, I was just trying to make an order, and she left, just disappeared.

I was on the hold for a long time.

I was on the hold.

Yeah, she had to come back to the back to get me.

Sorry, sir.

I was on the line.

What were you doing?

I was cooking some food.

Ew.

And you're the manager, and you do that?

Yes, sir.

Oh.

Is there a man I can talk to?

This is a man.

Is there, like, a real manager that doesn't do that stuff?

No, sir.

I'm the only manager here right now.

All right.

So, did she run by my order with you?

Like, what happened?

What was this about her drama?

Um, well, um, she was saying that, um, you had, that you were, you weren't really following

your order clearly.

Well, I tried and I tried.

I don't know.

She's just, maybe she's slow or she had a problem hearing me.

Okay.

Can you just take my order?

Yes, sir.

I can take your order right now.

Okay.

go ahead what do you need do you need my name yes sir okay cross cross cross how do you spell that

sir c-r-o-s-s okay okay and your phone number okay it's new number 225-2014 all right what

meat what steak would you like meat meat what one meat yeah we have ribeyes sirloins prime ribs i

don't need any upgrades sir i just need one meat please all right sir i don't know what that means

This is a steakhouse, right?

Yes, sir.

You have meats?

Yes, but we have specific types of meats, like sirloins or flat irons or ribeyes.

Just the basic meat, like not upgraded, just the basic meat, protein?

Yeah, I know what you're saying, sir, but we have chicken, we have steak.

Okay, a ribeye.

Ribeye?

Yeah.

All right.

How would you like that cooked, sir?

With heat.

What temperature?

Rare, medium, rare, medium, medium well, well done?

Average temperature.

Temperature?

Medium?

No, no, no, no, no.

I need it cooked with heat.

Okay, sir.

Mm-hmm.

I still need to know the temperature that you'd like it.

I like it, you know, with a little bit of green.

A little bit of green?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and what else?

One vegetable.

Okay, what's your side?

One vegetable.

Okay, we got broccoli.

Yeah, whichever vegetable.

One starch.

Potatoes?

One container.

All right, sir, I'm sorry, but you're really not making any sense right now.

One horse.

are you menstruating you're having fun right now no okay well i'm sorry motherfucker have a good

day motherfucker you

hey yes all right um this is sinestro this is sinestro sorry sinestro uh did you call the

green lantern man yeah this is the green lantern yes this is it yeah i'm sinestro i was calling

to let you guys know about what was going to happen what was going on what's going on um

Well, I got word on the street that Parallax and Spectre, Jon Stewart, Star Sapphire, they're all getting together and they were going to lead a heist somewhere in town.

Something about cigarettes that they were going to, and Fatality also is his name.

I think that they're working with some hardcore dudes out of Gotham.

I have no idea, man.

Yeah, well, is Hal there?

Nah, man, I think you might have the wrong place, brother.

No, can I talk to Hal?

He's not here, man.

We have no Hal here, man.

You get the wrong place, bro.

Who's the manager, then?

The manager's not here.

What are you doing there?

Are you just the boy?

You're just the boy.

Hey, man, can I help you with anything?

Do you have a ring?

What?

Do you have a ring?

No.

Oh, well.

Hey, brother, we'll be safe, man.

Thank you, bye-bye.

Piece of shit.

What's up, my cool little?

My cool little time, everybody.

Let's see.

I think they're still open.

We're getting ready to close.

My cool little's back to the camera.

Greetings from all of us here at Altacos.

a premier Mexican restaurant

in the heart of the Stoic area.

Tell us how we can help you.

Shut up.

But not for vote.

You don't believe in war.

Gun you took.

And even the Jordan River

has bodies floating.

But yeah.

I hit zero.

Whore.

Thank you for calling

Aldaco's Reservation Line.

We look forward to talking to you.

Oh, fuck you.

I ain't waiting.

I don't have time to wait, motherfucker.

Orange leaf frozen yogurt.

Let me see.

If I can find some negative Yelp reviews that I can read back to them for some reason,

like I said, that always seems to hit home.

Because it makes reference to shit.

Hey, motherfucker.

My motherfucker.

This yogurt place seems to be quite popular.

China, take a look around.

To Alabama, mainly here.

Four days in space, but when you return, it's the same old drums.

yeah listen um i'm not very happy with you people i'm sorry why i'm sorry i'm not happy with you

people and why is that i went to your place after reading the good reviews and hearing a bunch of

reviews from people and you know you're close by bushy creek park and i was there masturbating

and i you know i thought it was like be a nice good way to have a treat after that you know

um well anyway your place is like clean and welcoming and stuff and the flavors are sweet

kind of repetitive you know you know and then you wouldn't let me you wouldn't you know listen

there was another employee there and you know she was a real mean you know i asked if if uh

You know, I wanted to put like some M&M's on Froyo that I got, you know, and I asked if I could get a few to put on my kids Froyo.

And there was the person said, no, God damn it like that.

He said, why don't you people understand?

And she wouldn't let me use a sample cup.

I was willing to pay for what he wanted, you know.

and pretty much i was asking for like 10 to 15 mini little fucking minimis and she insisted i

use the cup used for fro yo and she charged me 21 cents for the like a little bit that i took

and she kept repeating herself even after i agreed she kept repeating herself and repeating

herself god damn it sorry i'm sorry i was listening you're cutting out a little bit

Oh, because maybe you have the Kanye West fucking devil music playing so loud

with that Illuminati shit and all the triangle symbols in the video.

I don't want to hear that song.

I don't want to hear flashing lights.

You know that video that gives my son epilepsy attacks?

Can I go ahead and get your name?

Who do you think you are?

What are you trying to do?

God damn it.

I'm sorry, can I get your name, sir?

Look, this is being counting, and being petty is what you people do.

i i get the need to account for everything you sell but i've worked at various eateries and i

know what it takes to keep customers happy nickel and diming then over half a scoop of mini me

m&ms is a bit much okay i was having a good time until then so i'm not too impressed at the end of

my visit basically and i would have you know really recommend you to more people if you know

your employee there had extended a little

customer service god damn it

motherfucking shit asshole motherfucker

can I get you to stop cursing at me sir

shit fucking shit

shit shit

alright a little mini panic attack

there

oh that was the perfect review

to do even though I got confused

halfway into it cause I tried to jump

but the story made no sense

that was awesome

down to the mouth

you know she's like

that's exactly what it cost

21 cents

so she knew

it was a bullshitting

oh shit

she's probably like

I bet you I know

who did that

I think herself

she does it all the time

you guys called in

and had a fucking

and we turned down

the music

oh shit

yogurt at the shops

at Avery Ranch

in beautiful

come on

get it

yeah um

I was just there

a little bit ago

and there was an

there was an altercation

um and i got into like a shoving match with someone who was with me and he said hey yeah

you think it's funny motherfucker like that and he went to my back seat and i had two bottles of

tequila and uh he threw them on top of your roof and they didn't break because i heard them land

they didn't break there was no shattering or anything like that it just kind of landed like

you know like that both of them and then and then he said a motherfucker like that you know

and he like he grabbed his crotch at me he said a motherfucker like that um and then he got into

his car and he left you know so um can i get that see i have no way of getting on my roof

they have a pen there yeah but um i can do parkour and get up there i i can get up there

When do you close, motherfucker?

I get up there.

If you did, I would actually have to call the police.

When do you get up there, though?

When do you go?

When do you go, I said, motherfucker?

Our maintenance guys go up there, and they go up there about once a week,

and it's random times through the week when they change the filters on our AC.

Yeah, but are they Mexican?

They'll probably drink it.

That's none of your concern, sir.

Well, they are, aren't they?

Right?

They're going to drink it.

That's none of your concern, sir.

are they mexican or puerto rican that's a that's a racist remark towards some of my employees i

don't need you don't need to be doing that sir well you know that they're not like real employees

you know no they are real employees they're not real people they're like half human you know all

right uh i'm gonna have to end this conversation it's not the same you know me and you white people

like me and you got to look out for each other you know i don't think he was white guys

Oh, neither am I.

So, all right,

here's guero's taco diner which is like across the street i don't know but here's an indian place

oh there's a taco diner across the street hey monkey i'm over here at the taco cabana

Uh-huh.

You know where we are?

Taco Kawana on Stone Oak Parkway, right?

Yeah, listen, they just sent us a delivery of a bunch of your food, goddammit.

We need you to come get this stuff out of here right now.

You say I delivered the food?

Someone, no, they just left here, a big food truck left here.

They left a bunch of vegetables, rice, meat here, and it all says for India Taj Palace.

We signed for it.

We didn't pay for it, but we signed for it.

you better come get it or we're gonna start throwing it away in the dumpster uh you're it

says here india taj palace full circle uh two zero three two three hubner road yeah yeah they

delivered it here instead they make food here they bring food here they bring food here your food

your food they bring your food here nobody take today no no no for you is for you food here

Here, motherfucker.

Bhenchod.

Hello?

Yeah, hang up, stupid monkey.

Call him back.

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

You know the close time on Sunday?

No, motherfucker.

I need to make order now.

Hello?

Son of a bitch, I make order.

Bitch, motherfucker, make order now.

Hello?

Order.

You want to call transfer for other department?

Bhenchod?

Haram de kote.

Bhenchod?

i'm not gonna answer that right hello hello yes

you dirty monkey bunch hood hey do you have red box you have red box yes sir we do not

why motherfucker you where has red box where has red box at motherfucker

huh huh he was not happy hey before we start calling more places in this town how about we

We call that Lowe's.

We love calling so much.

Yeah.

The Lowe's in Hawaii.

A little music, please.

Walkman, please.

Actually, there are two in Hawaii.

We've only really been calling the one.

Well, that's good to know.

Let's call the first one first.

See if we can get a hold of Tool World and the chief over there.

Thank you for calling.

Chief Akulo.

For instructions in Spanish, press 3.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Appliances, press 4.

Lumber and building materials, press 5.

Flooring, press 6.

Hardware and tools, press 7.

Transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Career Department, Larry speaking.

Hey, Larry, how are you?

Hey.

How you doing, Chief?

Chief? Yeah, I wanted to see

if you have a certain drill there

and I had to check the coupon.

You have the item number. Oh, yeah. Can I get it from the

computer? Right?

Bothering us with these prank calls. What do you mean?

Called him in over a month, sirs.

Over a month I haven't called him.

He's been left alone unless some of you

other motherfuckers have been calling him.

Huh? Is that what it is? Stupid?

I know you made fun of me, motherfucker.

Well, I guess we can't call him anymore.

They're like, it's the guy that calls about breaking shit in the toilet and trying to show me a fucking item.

He usually goes to the office.

How may I direct your call?

I need to speak with Larry, please.

Larry, hold on one moment.

Two world, Larry speaking.

Larry, don't be like that with me, okay?

What do you know?

Just tell me.

Let's not be like that.

He doesn't give a shit.

He hates me.

I thought he would have figured out when I called him chief.

because that I told the cell co-workers the guy the guy that look probably looks

like a it sounds like an Indian chief he's like ha ha ha yeah that's enough of

calling this Howley town let's call the other lows that I just discovered on

Hawaii let's not be like that it's crazy these they're like right down the road

from each other these two but they come up as different phone numbers different

addresses I guess it's a big town typhoon support

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak with the operator, press 3.

Transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 4.

Transferring to flooring, please hold.

Nope, nope.

This place is closed.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

and if not i don't care i don't want to talk to the motherfuckers okay so here we are again

walking down the street liquor store now man matador men's grooming probably closed but we

could try says they closed at five so nope instant oil change is going to be closed five star

cleaners might be just chinese people's there's taifu copa wine bar no sonic no the glaze lamp

No.

Oh, man.

I'm not feeling it, man.

I thought that breaker recharged me, but I'm just like, no.

There's a sushi bar up here.

Eh, LA Fitness.

I'd rather call the customers, not them.

Where's Dwight?

Dwight usually has good numbers.

Fucking Dwight?

Where are you guys?

I'm looking to see if anyone's sending me numbers.

Give me a second.

Fucking train.

Motherfucking coming.

I guess I could call people.

Now, which is the one you had to do for this computer?

That's right.

remember i was off for like a month guys so i'm kind of and i came back and then they made this

full fucking thing with skype now being a different interface oh it's like oh the mid

look all windows 8 i was just fine with the windows 7 arrow look you know i fucked it up

motherfucker baby come on i'm doing some shit motherfucker he's adding milkman didn't put him

him in before just adding him in now taking it upon myself to do that

you there uh mr dwight hey motherfucker what's up good i was like oh what

cables are coming up keep talking please keep saying something

like 10 till 10 and beyond even 45 minutes what the fuck yeah it's decided to go on early

He's on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, dear God.

And now I'm kicking your ass in fantasy football?

How are you kicking it now?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I didn't even check the score.

No, because you were barely ahead of me after the last afternoon game, and I still had my

kicker and my quarterback to play at 8.30.

Anyway.

Who's your quarterback?

Tom Brady.

Yeah, he ain't doing shit.

I'm watching the game right now.

Oh, no.

He's been picked off like two or three times.

No, shut up, you liar

Well, the score's 13-14, so he really isn't doing shit

Well, he'll turn it around, he'll turn it around

Come on

Fucking, fucking

I'm gonna find you some roommate numbers

I'm ahead of you and I'm projected to win, I know that much

Yeah

Okay, yes, please, give me numbers

I'd appreciate that

Fuck, my mic wasn't plugged in

Hey, dude, what's up?

I was talking about how gay football is

And it must be fun to be gay if you play football

ball no one cares because you weren't here spandex balls tight end we couldn't so we couldn't we

don't care no i'm kidding i was saying i spent i sent you one special number all right let's see

from who okay so this is a guy that um brad on his recent show he was doing the median about the

median calls this is a guy when he called and he said you are throwing marijuanas all right try to

buy some oh yeah okay let's commit a crime let's do it he doesn't have it doesn't matter if you

you asked for it it's illegal this isn't canada dark stranger for some green green paint let's

play the leg clip hello you've reached three three two i'll try them again snoop dog like

youtube yeah a few times it's real chirpy it's it's really interesting though it's kind of cool

come out of nowhere yeah it seems like yeah drinking 40s and smoking balloons like big

Big ass white people go on there.

What the fuck?

Actually, I saw Vitaly on there.

He was actually kind of cool.

Vitaly was having a good time.

Hello.

Okay.

Can I wake up?

Any numbers yet, Ken?

Yeah, I'm getting ready to send one right now.

All right there, buddy.

Send it there, buddy.

Call Simon after Simon and Garfunkel.

Do I what?

Call Simon after Simon and Garfunkel.

Yes.

All right, Victor.

Phone number.

Honolulu.

All right.

Let me look at the app

Room for rent

My kiki

Utilities included

I think it's just my kiki

My kiki

Whatever

Here we go

Oh you're a howly

You don't have to say it properly

Makai Kai

Have reached

8

0

8

Mamao

Call me again

Mamao

It's a blog talk

People calling

The fuck wasichu

That was wasichu

i'm lakota and i'm proud of it this was the devil's calling him i called him chief i pissed

him off really bad dude hey chief how you doing chief

further proof that people are racist assholes yeah fucking white guys he was so racist he's

basically using the n-word for white people according to lakota he's calling was he true

these wasichu devils oh my god he was all over the place too i like how he started off yeah you know

just to let you know we're really laid back so just call in and you don't have to be on topic

it's you know he was like kind of like i'm mr laid back and then he gets me fucking hey chief

up here with native people i hung out with people and then my poetry during the poetry slam show

it was great. My two life

lyrics, I got a

line and a half. Sitting at home

with my dick on the heart so I

go to the black book

for a freak to click.

Absolutely not.

People came up with shitty

poetry pretty quickly.

Well, you know what?

Bullshit is on their page says that they don't,

they won't, for anybody. And they did.

They censored you. I said no.

Why?

see i used to do that shit like back in the yahoo chat days

the late 90s i would just copy paste raunchy tulip crew or just rap lyrics

into like uh the poetry room and a lot of times like oh yeah that's cool man yeah

but usually there was some guy like oh it's fucking dr dre

you asshole that's shitty and then he looks like dr drake i know that shit

those old shitheads putting like tupac up here

jolting joe i love tupac tupac shaker next we have no name all right eight hundred dollar nice

nice bedroom and share our home exclamation point eight hundred dollar and inclusive

i hope toilet because i hope they have toilet because i gotta pee all too late

that's what i'm gonna say your call has been forwarded

yes hi you have a eight hundred dollar nice bedroom apt yes i do okay oh that's nice very

Very nice.

You have grandchildren.

They don't, like, mess up and make a lot of noise and stuff, do they, when they come in?

They play at my house, yes.

So if that would bother you, then it wouldn't be a good place.

Because they do come and play.

That's okay.

Do I get my own toilet machine?

No.

It's a shared bathroom with another male.

Another male?

Does he sit down to do his business only, or does he also stand?

He also stands.

Oh.

Do you think maybe I can make an arrangement where he would just sit down for number one and number two so it doesn't get everywhere?

No, I don't think it's the right place for you.

No, it is.

I'm just, come on.

I'm just trying to see.

I'm sorry.

Please.

I'm living in my car, okay?

All right?

I have a lot of hair, so that's a concern also.

Okay.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm out looking for my Christmas tree.

Could you call me back, like, in an hour?

What kind of tree are you getting?

How many feet?

um probably a six foot tree are you getting a fir or a scotch pine uh probably douglas oh douglas

fir that's good that's way better those scotch pines piece of garbage you know you know the

ones i'm talking about those scotch pines are a piece of garbage yeah they're pieces of shit

basically yeah totally um i i like to do a tree lighting could i do is there space for me to do

that outside um i don't really have the money for the electricity though oh it doesn't take

electricity i've been doing it every year for gosh for like 10 years now it'd be this would

be the 10th year i hope i don't get to miss it i light the tree on fire with uh oh after you mean

after christmas uh yeah but we do it outside in the front and we all like pray to the almighty

mighty devil and then we light it on fire no you know what i'm gonna hold hands and we're like

masturbate on us devil you're the rain has got sperm what the fuck's her problem the rain has

got sperm what's wrong with the devil shout at the devil you got a problem with the devil yo

great devil come come great devil come to me she called back the devil uh did you call me

Make him sound like Shaft

If you call me baby

He says devil

Call him a little bass in my voice

Something like that

Not really

Alright

Where is Mooman this fine evening

I don't know

Try calling him

I don't know

But I do know who I know

Who they are

Where

These people who are in India

Yay

Thank you for calling technical support.

One of our technical support advisors will be with you shortly.

Customer care.

It looks like your machine isn't going.

Machine?

Yeah, it's not going.

What machine?

You need help with that from the Indians.

How can I help you?

Get off your cell phone.

Turn off your cell phone because I can hear it.

Sir, how can I help you?

I need you to turn off your cell phone, piece of shit motherfucker.

That was retarded of me, but okay, that's what I did.

What is it, Bill?

Why am I still here with Chucko right now?

Thank you for calling technical support.

This is a machine emergency.

Oh.

That's motherfucking no-go.

It was her because I heard the dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

QRM noise.

Thank you for calling Technical Support.

One of our Technical Support Advisors will be with you shortly.

...that most cell networks in the U.S. work on now.

Spectra.

They're

just hanging out.

Dig that music.

Ooh.

We got that audio isolated for a while.

While we transfer the call to the next available agent.

Thank you.

Go and hold that.

Oh, you sick motherfucker.

Call that dude, yes.

Go and hold that.

I'm going to get the audio isolated too.

You were a friend of mine doing a poetry.

That dude sounded like Ruby or a film.

Chris Rock a noise meter.

That's right, everyone.

It was going to be something, but he went anyway.

He was so upset.

Ah, yo, that's disgusting.

That's great.

Ah, it's a bunch of white men fucking each other.

That's fine in your own home, sir, but don't bring that in.

Call me Rick Carter for quality and training purposes.

Call me Rick Carter.

Rick Carter.

Please hold just a moment.

Our representative will assist you.

Hold your dick.

Okay, I will hold.

Thank you for calling the IPC expert.

Manish, how may I help you?

It is Manish.

Yep.

how you doing honey baby habibi i'm good how are you i'm good habibi i need to have help with

computer to make it go sorry i need to have help to make computer go i need to have help to make

computer go they don't even fuck with us anymore or me at least all right whatever this has been

a letdown of a second segment for this show and they started out so promising anyway what you

you got ken anything uh hotel hotel guests guests this is nice shit indeed he is okay here's takashi

i'm tavachi tavachi sure why not front desk yes hi need to be transferred to a guest okay do you

know what the room number is uh no i have the name takashi kuga kuga son okay i just checked

that gentleman in hold on just a second sex roadway in front desk yeah um he didn't answer

or maybe he hasn't checked in yet to the room?

No, he's checked in.

He might have maybe gone to the restaurant or something.

Oh, wow.

If you like, you can try back after a little while.

He might be in his room.

Okay, honey, baby.

But I know he's checked in.

I checked him in myself.

Oh, yeah, did you?

How's he looking?

He's good?

Yeah, I checked him in for,

he's staying with us for a couple of nights.

Does he look yellow?

Okay, all right.

Thank you.

I'll call back.

All right, honey.

Put that on the big board, Mr. Dwight.

Thank you.

On the board.

Connect to the restaurant.

Yeah.

Um, Tim is at the Home Depot.

Okay.

But then he says he's in the Marianne Inn.

Yeah, he's at the Home Depot Christmas party.

Ah.

At the hotel.

Thank you for calling the Marianne Inn Hotel and Conference Center.

This is Fabiola.

How may I direct your call?

Yes, I have orders to have me transferred to Mr. Tim Hessian.

He's with the Hess.

How do you spell the last name?

H-E-S-S-I-A-N.

And what's the first name?

Tim.

I don't have anybody here with that name.

Damn it, motherfucker.

Do you have someone with the last name, different first name and shit?

I'm sorry?

Do you have someone with the last name, same goddamn last name, but a different fucking first name?

I'm not coming up with anybody with that last name.

Fucking shit.

Well, did he not check in yet?

Shit, damn it.

Can you please not use those words?

This is where the Home Depot Christmas fucking party is, right?

Yeah.

Are they having the party now?

Um, I believe.

Those motherfuckers.

It's done with.

Can I take a message for somebody?

Transfer me over to the party machine.

They're done already.

Fucking shit.

God damn it.

Fuck, fuck.

Can I help you with something?

Fucking, fucking shit.

Did they leave anything over there?

As in, what do you mean?

I could try to transfer you to a banquet and see if somebody's there.

Oh, yeah, but will it come back to you if it doesn't work and shit?

Or what the fuck happened?

I'm sorry, but you should not be using that language towards me.

Oh, stop.

I'm sorry.

What will happen, honey, baby?

baby huh uh can i get yeah go ahead and do that okay let me get him on the phone hold on just a

second okay bitch don't hang up don't hang up on me okay please hello nobody's picking up i think

everybody's gone no it doesn't work like that you actually put me on hold and go through the

computer system the phone system i got my other cell phone here and i was trying to get a hold

of him with this fucking shit go over there and look okay i'm gonna put you on hold okay what's

It's your cell phone number.

Hold on just a second.

Bitch.

I almost spit my shit out when you were like, bitch.

That woman puts up with a lot of shit.

Should be using that language.

I'm going to talk, bitch.

She's smart, though, to call on her cell phone.

I'm not passing this guy along.

Fuck him.

Hey, hello?

Okay, can I get your cell phone number?

And I'm going to have to go and look for somebody and give them your cell phone number for them to call you.

Who the shit are you?

Who are you?

I'm calling.

I'm calling for information.

God damn it.

Who the shit are you?

Uh, can I get your number?

Why don't you talk to me?

Where's the other fucking girl?

What other girl?

I was talking to a different girl.

Okay, hold on just a second.

Fucking bitch.

Thank you for calling the Marina Inn Hotel and Conference Center in South Sioux City, Nebraska.

Your call is important.

Please stay on the line.

The Marina Inn Hotel, where the only thing we overlook is the river.

For the only decent hotel in the West.

Are you about to be on forever hold?

Yeah, forever hold, yeah.

You know, so, you know.

Yeah, we'll just learn about this place.

Chop house.

All around.

Sometimes you have to make the fun when they don't answer.

You know what I mean, Dwight?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Melissa's just calling her with our Christmas bed.

Jesus Christ.

Call us with your Christmas baking needs.

You can also make setups to do cookie or gingerbread house decorating.

Yeah, there's a bunch above that, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, true.

Moving too fast.

The Skype scrollers.

Whoops.

Oh, man.

I'll miss it.

All right, so there's a guy who sells...

Let me start from the top just to make sure I don't miss anything.

A guy selling iPhones that got called last night in conference and he went off on turbo.

I don't know what Dashie passed that on.

What Dashie says.

Okay, not in the same.

That's what he said.

Yeah, he said he gets super pissed.

It's the same guy I'm thinking of.

They pissed him off, and then Dashie started texting him after.

And, like, just asked him a bunch of fucked up questions.

Like, if he'd take half in cash and half in a check and shit like that.

Is there a mouse?

Or are you writing with...

Yeah, hey, you got an iPhone machine over there?

Huh?

You have an iPhone machine you're getting rid of?

Selling it?

Oh, no, it's actually a celery.

Thanks.

Oh, do you have any...

Whatever.

Fuck.

What a dick.

I'll call him a dick.

Fine.

Dick time.

Time for dick.

Time for dick and neon pop soap.

Dick?

Where's the dick?

Please leave your message for 7-8-6-7-8-6-7-8.

I almost have one.

Listen to the sound of me.

Yeah?

Wow, baby.

God.

Gotta get some vitamin C or some zinc or something.

Nah.

I got an edible.

I'm good.

Some dick?

Oh, good.

That just messes up your immune system even more.

I think helps with that.

Put the green in there, nigga.

Put it in there.

Get that green in you.

Make you feel better.

All right.

Kimberly Michelle Cook.

Happy birthday, Carlito.

It's not my birthday.

Hello, who cares?

Fuck your fake birthday.

Because I just signed in and it came up.

Delete it now.

Yeah, hi, how are you?

This is Cross. This is your new number, right?

This is who? This is Cross.

Well, you're on my friends list.

I'm on your friends list and you

texted, you put on Facebook

to text you,

call you your new phone number. What's up, baby?

Maybe. You want to party?

I don't fucking know you.

But we're on Facebook. We know each other.

We probably fucked at a party or something, you know?

Or got drunk at a club.

No, I doubt that very much. You got life fucked up.

Don't call my phone again.

You fucking bitch.

I'll slap the living fuck out of you.

Fucking bitch. I'll pull your hair.

Fuck with me.

Fuck you, bitch. Don't fuck with me.

Fuck you, bitch.

Motherfucker, you.

I'm going to kick your motherfucking ass, you fucking nigger.

Well, you told me to call you and then you don't want me to talk.

You stupid bitch.

Who the fuck are you?

If you give me a goddamn name.

I got ready.

I got checked out early from work and I was ready to go hang out.

We're going to party.

I didn't write you personally.

I wrote on my Facebook to my friends and family.

Here's my new number.

I didn't personally write you whoever the fuck you are.

Fuck that motherfucker.

You know what you said?

You said that we were going to be together, that you wanted me to call you a new fucking

number.

You know, my wife found out.

She got real fucking mad.

Fucking know you, dude.

Shut the fuck up, man.

Do you know my wife?

I don't even know who the fuck you are, bitch.

Well, maybe you know my wife.

Who the fuck is your wife?

She works at the doctor's office.

Look, man, it's a bad day today, okay?

And I really ain't...

What happened?

What's your fucking problem?

What's the big fucking problem?

Like, I'm just here fanning my balls.

Huh?

What?

You think I'm just here fanning my balls?

I said I've had a very bad day today.

and I really don't need your dumb shit right now.

I did too, motherfucker.

You hang up the fucking phone, motherfucker.

Look, who the fuck are you so I can come meet you right now

so I can smash your goddamn face in the goddamn concrete,

you sorry son of a bitch?

You're a woman, newsflash.

Good luck with that.

Anyway.

Newsflash, hoe.

Hang up the fucking phone.

It don't matter if I'm a woman.

Every man in town's got my back, hoe.

Hang the fucking phone up, dude.

Who the fuck are you?

I told you I'm Cross

and you told me to give you a call.

I guess you're some kind of kinky shit.

Where you talk like this and get like this with your men.

Do I know you?

Yeah, we're friends.

Do I know you?

We're friends, you stupid, dirty, fucking idiot.

We're friends.

Motherfucker.

On Facebook.

Yeah, not anymore because you're a...

Why are you talking shit to me then?

You're a fucking asshole, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

You told me to give you a call.

I was going to go party, hang out.

I was going to take you to Denny's or some fucking shit like that.

I put it on Facebook to give anybody.

I gave everybody, my friends and Facebook, family, my number.

Fuck you, you skank.

Ooh, I'm going to fuck you up, man.

Fuck you.

Try it, motherfucker.

You use Flash.

You're a woman.

Who are you, man?

I'm Cross, motherfucker.

Who the fuck is Cross, bro?

That's me.

Write me on Facebook so I know who you are.

Motherfucker, if you want to do this, I'm going to tell you what.

You can't hit me with a...

We can't hit each other with a closed fist.

Only open fist.

No scratching, no clawing, and no biting.

Are you gay?

No.

So you're going to fight?

Fight like a man?

Why don't you write me on Facebook?

Write me on Facebook right now so I know who you are.

Fuck you.

Hang up the phone, motherfucker.

You hang up the phone, motherfucker.

No, you motherfucker.

I want you to hang up the phone, you fucking bitch.

I want you to hang up the phone, you fucking sorry fucking...

I'm going to shave your head when I'm...

You're loving fucking dick sucking.

Get a dick sucked up your ass.

I'm going to shave your head when I'm done with you.

Yeah.

You're dead, bitch.

Fucking bitch, motherfucker.

You're dead, nigga.

What?

Why didn't you say that word?

Don't you have any self-respect for yourself?

Stupid.

I'm not a nigger, bitch.

Exactly.

And you just go around saying, nigger, like I'm cool.

Why are you going to call my phone,

because you wouldn't have no clue who the fuck you are?

Shut up, mastral bitch, and hang up the phone.

Hey, do what I said.

I'm going to get you, hoe.

Do what I said, motherfucker.

Do what I fucking said.

I'm going to find out who you are.

You fucking motherfucker, you.

Who are you fucking motherfucking, you?

And your friend told me about how you sound when you get fucked, and it's funny.

We all laugh about it.

When we look at you, we see you, we're like, ah-ha, she's the one that goes like, ooh, ooh, like that.

She's the one that what?

You're all looking at me like, what?

Like, you're the one that be making all that noise, like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like that.

That's how you sound.

What noises?

What are you talking about?

When you fucking, you make all these sounds like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like that.

Like, we all make fun of him and talk about it, because we heard about you.

I think you're full of it.

Nope, bitch, motherfucker.

Someone else talk to her.

Look, I'm going to put someone else on the phone.

Hey, you're doing that, you fucking bitch.

What's your problem now?

Who am I on the phone with?

Yeah, this is fucking Dwight there, you little bitch.

How you doing, sweetie?

Dude, look, I just bought this phone, so you may have me confused with someone else.

I don't know what the fuck's going on, man.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Let me ask the other guy.

Is this the Kimberly bitch, the one that fucks all the guys in town?

Yeah, she's the whore.

Oh, no, yeah, we got the right one.

Kimberly who?

All the other guys got your back.

Is it because you fucking let them have a third with the pussy?

Yeah, Kimberly Cook.

Yeah.

This is the girl who?

Kimberly, the bitch.

The whore.

You're the one with the ugly tattoo on her right shoulder and the one on the forearm, the left arm.

Who is this?

Yeah, this is Dwight.

Remember, you wear two shirts, two shirts to prop them saggy titties up.

Saggy titties?

I ain't got no saggy titties.

Yeah, you got them fucking the things, the knee knockers.

Why do I talk English, man?

Yeah, no, I'm from fucking Trenton, New Jersey.

Listen, that's how we talk out here, you fucking redneck.

I'm from Germany, first of all.

Oh, you're fucking, that would explain the dropping the N-bombs and shit, you fucking racist.

Yeah, yeah.

You a descendant of Hitler there, bitch?

Who?

What bitch, man?

Tell me what's going on.

I don't know, but I'm looking at your Facebook, and what's with the background with the retarded baby on there?

You know what?

What that means?

Me and Jerry were together, and I'm at Jerry's house right now.

and all that was me and jerry got into a fight and then he wants to talk shit saying that i don't

take care of my babies and you know what i'm a i'm a single mom i take care of my babies my

babies got taken from me because i smoke pot okay i'm a very good fucking person and whoever's

talking shit about me can kiss my ass okay i am fighting for my kids they took my babies because

I smoke pot. I don't do drugs.

I don't fucking smoke meth.

I don't do crack. All I do is

fucking pot. Fucking Jerry

put me in the hospital

and then after I got out of the hospital

somebody must have said something.

I don't fucking know. You suck dicks

too. You know what I mean? I don't do drugs.

Well, they told us you suck dick for

marijuanas. Suck dick for marijuanas?

I don't do any none of that bullshit.

They said that was a part of your charges.

You were sucking dick for marijuanas

and that's how it happened.

everybody what he said that's how it happened you got caught you were sucking dick for marijuanas

and you ended up in jail that's a bunch of bullshit my baby daddy called the fucking cps on

me for saying that i smoked pot and then they came and pissed tested me i don't know who you are

you don't even know me yeah you sound like a big man bitch you sound fucking nasty you want to

and talk to a fucking nigga?

Who is this?

Hey, you know who I heard

she was fucking?

She was fucking Lil' Bobby.

Oh, goddammit,

that Lil' Bobby?

Get your ass over here.

And Bobby was like,

she was like,

ooh, ooh, ooh.

That's how she sounds.

Fucking who?

Lil' Bobby said,

you're like, ooh, ooh.

He said you sound like

a mongrel when you fuck.

Lil' Bobby,

I've been with Jerry Wayne

for a long fucking time.

Well, he told everybody

you sound like...

Goddammit, Jerry Wayne,

he can fucking lick it, man.

He said you sound

real retarded

when you're coming.

He's like, ooh.

That's what he told us

You sound like one of them walkers

On the fucking walking dead

Motherfuckers haven't had my own house

And y'all ain't been nowhere around

So fuck y'all

They told us you idiot

If y'all heard me and Jerry fucking

Yeah yeah what the fuck ever

Jerry told us

He said oh you gotta hear this bitch

And you're not even sure if that sound

Is coming from her mouth

Or her fucking saggy ass labia lips

Yeah, he gets real soft, you know?

We saw your ad on Craigslist, too.

The one, like, hey, come fuck me for marijuanas.

Come fuck me.

Y'all are so full of it.

Come fuck me.

They're going to take my kids away.

Come hurry and fuck me so I have money.

Zeke Hale, fuck me, yeah.

Y'all are so stupid and so full of it.

You're the one dropping the N-word, stupid.

No, we got audio.

We got a clip.

We recorded it and shit.

The last time we were over and you two were fucking, we got the sound.

We got it on the phone.

Hang on, I'll play it for you.

What do you mean, who was fucking?

No, it was you and Jerry fucking.

Hang on, I got the clip.

I got the clip.

Jerry Wayne.

It's you.

That's you right there.

What, Jerry was recording our fucking sex?

Yeah, that's you right there.

That was you.

See?

Stupid.

Jerry was recording our sex?

Where would he have done that at?

No, he wasn't recording it.

We were recording it.

We can hear you through the fucking walls.

No, he recorded it.

He was giving it out to us.

And that's why he was like,

are you out of here?

she's like

how you think we know you sound like a

fucking retard when you're moaning and shit

it's in some bedroom I don't know

it's on some fucking bed

and I guess like his cell phone was off to the

side like recording the video

where at what house what

town I don't know it's just all we see

is a fucking bed all we see is a bed

and like your fucking

white pale ass

and the moaning and him fucking you

and you're like

he had a clip too of you fucking

Fuck, it's some guy named Bill also.

I don't even know no fucking guy, Bill.

No, I think that was someone else.

No, no, no, no, the Jerry one is with you.

Damn it, Dwight, you're confusing.

It was another one that I showed you.

Yeah, Jerry, yeah.

Why are y'all hating on me, man?

I don't even know who the hell I'm talking to.

Well, we know who you are.

Trust me, we've seen a lot of you on that video that Jerry gave us.

I'm a good motherfucker.

I stick with one guy.

I try to take care of my kids.

I'm a good motherfucker, you know.

You know, I help everybody.

I take the last shirt off my back.

And I don't understand why people are still fucking hating on me.

You try to take care of your kids, but you smoke drugs around them?

I don't do drugs, my nigga.

Wow.

I heard the last time you smoked drugs, she took a big puff and blew it in her kid's face.

You're such a great parent.

I don't blow shit in my kids.

I don't know where anybody's heard nothing of that.

You're such a bad mother.

I take my kids.

I take very good care of my kids.

Where are they now?

And it pisses me off.

Where are your kids?

They're with my brother right now, and I'm fixing to get them back.

I go to classes.

I only failed for marijuana.

I am a very good mama.

Why aren't they just staying with their mama?

If you're their good mama, why aren't they with their mama?

Because my baby daddy is jealous that he can't be around and this and that.

He called CPS on me.

You sound like a loser anyway.

Why would you stay there?

Is he mad because he can't fuck you anymore?

Or are you giving them the whole pussy?

You know, everybody does a mistake in their life.

You know what I mean?

Do you smoke around the kids?

I'm fighting for my kids, though.

I'm not fucking up and just doing whatever.

I'm fighting for my kids.

I do what I have to do.

No, your mistake was staying alive after you were born.

What the fuck?

Huh?

What?

That was your mistake, was staying alive after you were born.

That's mean.

Look, I don't know who y'all are, and I can't have no more stress or drama around me, man.

I'm going through too much already.

Hey, so did you smoke a bong, like, around the kids, and they all knew what it was?

that would get it for you?

I never smoke around my kids.

I don't even smoke a cigarette in my house.

I go outside.

I never smoked a fucking cigarette in my life in my house.

I bet you were high when they caught you.

You were high off your ass like a kite.

I like a kite.

Shit got deep, man.

I feel bad.

I don't like talking about mothers getting their kids taken away.

But she was smoking drugs.

She talked to us.

What a loser.

or it took a uh it took a left turn really it's like god damn that's you're the one who called

their kids stupid god well i was trying to find something to trigger and i'm looking to facebook

it's a big-ass picture of a kid i'm like i was with this retarded kid out here says you uh do

you see down in chicago at the uh the furry convention uh somebody gassed those motherfuckers

gassed them yeah they put some um fart gas no some chlorine like uh they said powdered chlorine in

the stairwells and like people were like oh what the fuck is that smell and all this shit and

the cops or the SWAT teams came and fucking evacuated everything wow furry convention

yeah and down in shikaku furry convention disrupted as intentional gas incident since

19 to hospitals that's tonight that's crazy yeah that was tonight well at least it didn't get put

inside someone's mask or like inside someone's suit that'd be bad if it went off uh so dwight

But I'm beating you right now by 40 points.

And all you have tomorrow is two scrub players.

What do you got?

Do you have Darren McCluskey?

No.

Anyway, who cares?

I'm going to beat you.

The time is at 2.30.

I really want to take my real break now.

I know I kind of just took one.

But we just had a long prank call.

So I'm going to do that.

Okay, guys?

Okay.

So I'll be back in a few minutes.

When we come back, do we have more numbers?

We have a lot of them that we haven't had yet, right?

Yeah, there's all kinds of them.

I thought I told you to hang up the phone, motherfucker.

I thought I told you to hang up the phone, you motherfucker.

Man, why are you fucking with me, man?

I'm not in the mood to be fucking with you.

I'm not.

I'm just saying that I asked you to hang up the fucking phone,

and then I told you to do that shit, motherfucker.

Who the fuck are you, man?

I know you're about to fuck with me,

or you're just some fucking retarded-ass stupid motherfucker

that ain't got nothing better to do today

than just fucking call random people and talk shit.

Shit on you.

Ask that bitch if I could fuck her real quick.

Yo, he fuck.

Hey,

baby, you lonely?

You want Dwight to come over and I fuck you?

You want some Dwight meat?

No, but you can come over and get your goddamn head smashed in.

What's up?

Where the fuck you at?

You want to meet the bitch?

Does that come with the sex?

Because I'll be there right now, ho.

Hey, does the head smashing come with the sex?

Let's go.

Let's meet someone, motherfucker.

Oh, let's meet in your bedroom.

What the fuck?

I'll meet you in your bedroom.

We do the fucking and then the head smashing.

What?

In your bedroom, bitch.

Don't get loud.

Bitch, why don't you come pick me up in San Leon, man?

We'll meet around the corner.

I'll fuck you up right now, nigga.

You want to fuck in my car?

Is that what you're saying?

Meet me, fucker.

You got a goddamn mouth?

Or why don't you show me your fucking balls, bitch?

Why the fuck?

Hey, I talked to G-Man.

He said that you've killed before.

Is this true?

Oh, you're fucking with G-Man and shit.

This is all G-Man and motherfucking Grace History and shit?

That's all of y'all motherfuckers?

Nah, G-Man, he told me, though.

He told me, he said, this bitch has killed before.

four you better watch out where the man you look look look look look look i'm gonna tell you

something right motherfucking now uh-huh if you got a fucking problem with me let's meet right

goddamn now right fucking now let's meet me and you i won't bring no fucking niggas i won't bring

nobody me and you motherfucker i don't want to fight i just want to kiss you and make love to

you i just want to motorboat your pussy your meat curtains you ain't getting my pussy bitch

Hey, come on.

I want to take you out.

I take you to the McDonald's.

Maybe we go back to the bedroom.

You smoke a little marijuana.

We have the sex.

Can I come over?

Yeah, come over.

Why don't you meet us at Walmart?

Walmart's.

Let's meet at Walmart?

Walmart's, yeah.

I'm not going to meet you at Walmart, bitch.

You're going to meet me at my motherfucking house.

Wherever you want to fuck me at.

Meet me, motherfucker.

Come on.

Listen, no, no, listen.

No knives, no guns, no scratching, no biting, no spitting, no pulling hair.

No, I'm fixing to fuck you up.

What the fuck you think I look like, some bitch?

Fight like a man, then.

Don't fight like a fucking coward snake.

Meet me, motherfucker.

Meet me, bitch.

Meet me.

Fucking animal.

Yeah, well, you wash your vagina first, because G-Man told me stories.

What are you talking about?

What's your problem?

Are you fucking coming?

Listen, I want you to meet me over at the car wash, and I'm going to take one of them sprayers.

I'm going to spray your vagina and wash it with that big foam brush.

Dush that devil out of you.

Where am I meeting you at?

Walmart.

Walmart what?

Car wash?

There ain't no goddamn car wash.

No, just meet us there.

Meet us there in the side entrance where the automotive is.

They're closed now.

We can run with it.

You want to fight?

That's what we're doing.

We're meeting to fight?

Yep.

All right, bet.

I'm not going to Walmart because I'm not going with your fucking trick shit.

You're going to come to San Leon, bitch.

Bitch, you're going to come to my town, ho.

I like to do what they call fight fucking.

It's when you're fucking and you're beating the shit out of each other, too.

Yeah, and whoever comes first, you punch them in the face.

Yeah, they lose.

Or don't.

Who's that bitch talking?

I'm fucking talking to you, bitch.

That's not a bitch.

That's a dude.

And who are you, bitch?

That's who's going to fight you.

You fucking need to know.

You're going to fucking know who I am.

Who are you, bitch?

Now you fucking shut up.

Oh, man, you sound a little stupid.

Yeah, yeah, you sound stupid.

You've been knocked around too many fucking times, huh?

Hey Kim, we didn't even want to call

This bitch made us call

She's holding us here, she's telling us to talk and shit

We didn't even want to talk to you

Bitch

I don't even know what bitch got in front of me right now

I don't even know who the fuck she is

She's pregnant

Her name's Duca

Is it Jessica?

Yeah

Tell yourself, guy

Fucking Jessica, bitch

bitch. She's pregnant with

she's pregnant with Jeremy's

fucking seed, yo. Yeah, I think

Jeremy's germs. Who cares?

Fuck that. This girl, this fucking

shit sounds like she fucks anything

with a pulse. Jerry.

She was fucking Jeremy while you were in jail,

bitch.

Was this Britney? Nope.

No, silence.

You're never gonna get it, huh?

You're always gonna be trash, aren't you?

You're always gonna be sauntering your ass

around, picking up men.

Hey, look, baby, I'm sorry that you're a crack hoe

and that you go surfing for money, but that's not me.

Don't be jealous over my life, baby.

I got money.

I know whatever I need, okay?

So fuck you and stay the fuck out of my life.

And when I come across you, you can't have a gun.

You better have a gun.

Because if you don't kill me and you don't go to prison,

I'm going to kill you, bitch.

You understand?

Stay the fuck out of my life.

Don't you ever put my name in your fucking mouth, bitch.

I knew you had killing in your background.

You lying piece of shit.

You knew that I had what in my background?

Lying in your background.

You're fucking German.

You know what else is in her background?

I am German.

Tonight's what started World War II and the fucking reason why you're still here, bitch.

I heard that her mother exclusively fucked black fellows.

Don't be talking shit about my mom.

My mom died four months ago and she's always been in Germany.

My mom had never been in America.

So you're so full of shit.

who cares you know don't ever i would you know even as much as i hate you i would never talk

shit about your dead mother man she just passed four months ago that's just disrespectful man

i'm sorry well your dad your father used to fuck jews then your mother's dead your mother's dead

your mother's dead your mother's dead your mother's dead hello wow that lady has fight in

her that's dialer was doing that like a few weeks ago on this shit well he actually did

this last week too you just start saying your mother's dead wow she's fun right that's your

rage still up in them jeans you know what i'm saying up in them britches i'm sorry i'm sorry

no you're really not nobody's sorry nobody ain't ever sorry your mother's not dead i'm sorry i don't

know what i did wrong to y'all i have no clue who i'm talking to you know i'm sorry that jerry had

to talk shit about me but i'm a good motherfucker and i really can't take this of anybody else no

more i'm going through a lot of shit and i would really appreciate it if y'all just quit calling me

okay okay all right i'm sorry all right we're sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah we apologize

i'm sorry i hope i hope everything works out with their kid and i'm sorry for your mother's

loss okay honey no it's really fucked up they took your kids for smoking marijuana we're sorry

it's bullshit okay it's really yeah it's really fucked up you don't have your kids right now

yeah they could be with their mother right now but they're not you know it's too bad

I love my kids to death, and I am fighting, and I'm doing everything to get them back.

You have a job?

I don't deserve this shit.

Do you have a job?

I'm trying.

Yeah, try, honey, and don't do anything bad.

Don't do bad things, okay?

No, I've been building fences, and I'm doing good shit.

I just don't understand why I just get this random call, and people hating on me, and I'm trying, you know?

Well, you know, as far as we're concerned, Dashie says you kind of deserve it, but it'll be okay.

Yeah.

It's not personal.

We just pick numbers.

numbers we pick numbers yeah it is personal oh not for me well not really but fate landed us

at the exact moment to call you i've been taking care of people and i let everybody in bacon live

in my house and you know i mean i get my last shirt off and then people are hating on me and

it's just like dude oh my god you know what might make you feel a little better give us jerry's

number we'll call and fuck with him yeah you want us to talk to jerry he's inside i'm outside right

Right now, I'm fucking just, I had to go outside and fucking cry.

Yeah, give us Jerry's number.

We'll fucking call him and you can laugh when we fuck with him.

Why isn't he not, why is he not trying to defend you?

What's up with Jerry, man?

Well.

Yeah, he treats you like shit, doesn't he?

He treats you like shit.

Be honest.

Who am I talking to?

Oh, this is Cross.

Yeah, he treats you like shit, honey, and you don't need that.

And you want me to come over there?

I'll slap the fuck out of him real quick.

The first step you need to do is to get away from Jerry, I think.

And then, get your kid back.

We're not together right now.

He wanted me to talk to him, so I'm here, but I'm sitting out in the driveway, and he's in the house.

What's Jerry's number?

We're going to call him.

I gave up my house and everything.

Let's call Jerry.

What's his number?

I don't know it by hand.

Well, get the number, and we'll call you back in a second, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Love you.

All right.

Love you.

Bye.

She said she loves you.

She said love you back.

Holy crap.

Oh, God.

That lady's exhausting.

God, I know.

Jesus.

She was giving her a breakdown.

She was like, I can't handle this.

What is it like to have that kind of life where it's just drama?

Kids taken away for smoking pot because the baby daddy called CPS.

Listen to the mouth on that one.

Like, really, like, you know, like she was framed.

I'm sure she got her mouth in it.

I don't really believe they took the kids just because she was smoking some weed either.

I don't really know if I even care.

It's like, just.

I'm sure there were some problems with cleanliness probably and other things.

Or embellishments.

Maybe there was a dog off his leash

They probably drug tested the kids

Kids had the shit in their system too

We didn't get confirmation that there were children

Maybe it's just like her puppies or something

My babies

They took my babies

I accused her of

I was like yeah I heard you smoked the weed

You blow the smoke back in the kids face

Don't do that

Anyway yeah I did feel bad at the end

I'm glad she calmed down a little bit at least

She then gives Jerry's number too

She says she loves you

Yeah she loves me

Hang on to her number, but be nice to her, okay?

Don't be mean.

Maybe send her to Glory Hope Foundation one day.

That's just fucking sheer.

So, do you have a number to recommend, Mr. Ken?

I don't know.

We've been going down the list.

I think Steven's nice.

I have no idea.

Let us see.

I tried copying numbers of people who look like douchebags in their Facebook pictures.

Perfect.

Good idea.

That's a good...

That's the best way to meet him out.

Yeah, it is a good method.

Look for Jersey Shore people.

All right.

All right, new Scylla for now until he gets his phone replaced.

Okay, isn't that like it for everybody?

This is my number now until I get a new number.

Thank you.

And we'll get that number to a call.

Fuck you, motherfuckers, keep calling.

Hey, guys, my website is madhousesype.com until I get a different one at some point.

Dwight, can you take it for me, Sam?

Sure.

Scylla.

Yeah, what's going on, this fucking Steven?

Yeah, what's going on, you fat bastard?

This is fucking Dwight.

Hey, you want to fucking fight me, you smart guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll fucking, I'll smack the shit out of you.

Smack the Canadian out of you.

Canadian, who the fuck you think you're talking to?

I want to know, I want to know right off the hand here, why do you keep taking pictures

of yourself in the bathroom?

I love it.

Oh yeah?

No, I'm going to take that fucking multicolored shower curtain and strangle you with it.

You better not touch my shower curtain, bitch.

Oh, you think you're funny, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you really?

Open your mouth again, motherfucker.

Hang the phone up.

I'm not hanging up my phone.

Hang up the fucking phone.

Do you want to talk?

No.

You know what will happen if you don't.

What's going to happen if I don't?

Oh, you know what's going to happen.

What's going to happen?

You know what's going to happen, motherfucker.

Don't raise your voice to me.

I said what's going to happen, bitch.

You know.

I've got to tell you something, and I hope you're prepared for this.

Your kid looks like a fucking mongoloid.

A what?

Mongoloid.

Looks like a fucking retard.

Yeah, okay, who is this?

Yeah, you know who this is.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you sit there and you let him read the books,

and it looks like he's reading the books but he can't read okay so now you're talking shit about

my kid yeah what's up now what happened you're a fucking faggot that's what happened oh don't

don't get all moist in the pants there buddy you're gonna start to cry and shit and i i just

can't handle that you know talking to a woman on the phone who starts crying are you done oh i want

to know like when you went to take the kid to pick out glasses did you like pick out the ones that

look the fucking dorkiest it looked like he's wearing goggles see i'm not even talking to you

if you're gonna talk about my kid dude oh yeah who you want me to talk about i'll talk about

about anyone you want it was funny at first now you're pissing me off yeah i'll come over i'll

bring darren over there we'll fucking slap you come on over bring darren over and we'll fucking

get it done do it i'll do it don't need to do it i've done it before i do it again well come on

over okay come on over you sound like a fucking little homo little closet homo you want the

address oh jesus hey when did you know like when did jace first start experiencing homosexual

tendencies see fuck you dude i'm done what's the matter you're gonna cry whoever gave you my

My number, whoever thinks they're being fucking cute, giving you my number to talk this shit.

You gonna cry?

Yeah, let me find out who it is.

Bye.

Don't cry.

Yeah, let me find out who it is.

Yeah, well, it's Dwight, and I'm here with Cross.

Bye.

And Neon.

Who?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is Dwight, and I'm here with fucking Cross and Neon, you motherfucker.

Me and Crackers.

Yeah.

Four-way.

Oh, yeah.

What's the matter?

He's in the background.

What's the matter?

He's in the background.

You know, but there's fucking two other people here.

Jesus Christ, do I have to explain it to you?

God, now I see where your kid got his smarts from.

Jace is not well-educated, is he?

Yeah, I'm gone.

Fuck you.

Are you?

How many times has he been gone?

Wow.

These calls are dark.

He drops the M-bombs over here.

Wow.

Oh, he had a picture.

He had a full beard and shit, and he shaved his head and his beard.

And he took two or three pictures in the bathroom.

I'm like, what are you, a fucking woman?

Nothing against you, Neon, but all those little girls that sit there in the bathroom,

i'm like i'm gonna do some selfies and they fucking do the duck lips and all that bullshit

oh that's dumb half the time they leave the toilet up there's a turd in there and they

got no toilet paper so you know they did wipe their ass it's true all right the truth i had

to hunt for like a few minutes to find the kids man you hear that dwight i'm sick she got the

a kissing disease from a doorknob okay why it's not even listening typical dude what all right

i'm looking for more numbers oh so this is john i think i was just called nope new guy okay you

want to talk to john toscano has a new number 30 on okay go up with that

I think he's going to answer.

Oh, no?

Next.

Brandon.

He's the guy that wants texting buddies.

Woo-hoo!

Yeah, try this instead, then.

We got no love.

They're not going to answer.

Don't leave.

They're not going to answer.

The next one is Nicole, who's deactivating this.

Deactivating this.

Whatever that means.

Okay, good.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi.

Machine.

What's up, much?

Just chilling out here in Nashville, Tennessee.

What about you?

Cute.

Machine.

Stupid fucking computer.

All right, let me give you a call back later.

My voice, man.

Give me a call back.

Told you.

Oh, my God.

They're pretty good figuring that one out.

Nicole, as I said, is deactivating her this.

I mean, she's going not going to have sex for a while.

That trick never gets old.

Hello?

Oh, I got you.

Okay, Melissa with, based on her last time, I feel like we've talked to her before.

Maybe not.

But again, she's the one I mentioned earlier who's doing baking and stuff.

Are you doing it, Neon?

Edibles

Baking needs

Oh yeah

So funny

Do you remember that

Family Guy episode

Wasn't it just the other day

Yeah wasn't it just the other day

He was bitching about

He hates anyone

Who plays this fucking song

No no no

Carly though

Anyone who plays

This

This version of this song

I said

With fucking Peter Griffin

Thank you

Do you remember that though

What

When he

That's the whole episode

He did that

I think so

I know I've heard clips of it

I'm like

Oh my god

It's funny

Yeah, hey, honey, how are you? This is Jamie. Hello. This is that Jamie. Who's this? Oh, I'm connecting you to a bitch. Go ahead

Hey, what's up?

A bitch

Oh good

I don't know

Well, what does she want? Who is this? You need uh, you have a new phone number. Sorry, what you have a new phone number?

Yeah.

Oh, well, hang up the fucking phone because we don't want you to have this phone number, asshole.

Fuck you too bad.

It's my number.

Stupid bitch.

You can have it.

I'm getting it back.

I'm already talking to the provider.

They're going to give it back for me.

Okay, cool.

Asshole.

But you still have to pay the bill, bitch.

Yeah, why'd you steal my number?

Just because I didn't pay it for two months, you can't steal my number?

Yeah.

That bitch fucked somebody at the phone company to get it.

Probably.

Fucking bitch.

I really did, though.

Like, oh, my God.

Hang up the phone then, bitch.

Yeah, bitch.

All right, so now hang up the phone, little girl.

Sorry, little boy, but I can't.

Lesbian.

Fuck with lesbians.

Lesbians.

All right, this is retarded.

See you.

Bye.

All right, don't chat.

Nova just sent me a message.

Kimberly put a post on Facebook.

It says, I'm going to fuck some shit up with these bitches.

Don't even know me.

And then one of her friends posts his phone number

right below that text says text me so at the bottom of our skype i have his number on there

a friend of the one chick a friend of kimberly yeah okay all right michael all right here we go

was he like calling us out or like saying call me for no like don't text me tell me what's going on

yeah he wanted me to text you or call you what's going on this is cross i'm kim's friend kimberly's

friend kimberly kimberly this michael yeah yeah kimberly cook motherfucker yeah motherfucker you

said yo yo text me like that yeah fuck you whatever whatever it is it took kids away

that guy's missing like six teeth too and then every one of his pictures he's doing the duck

clips what's wrong with this guy something like paul has been forwarded to an automatic

man motherfucker all right getting ready to wrap up the show started la i mean

i guess shit to do in the morning with a doctor

okay free sofa looks like lots of jizz and piss on it that's the casting count

have either of you ever seen the e-fuck videos where they trolled the wannabe porn stars yeah

It's been a while

Do you have a sofa?

Yeah

What can you tell me about it?

Does it have any piss stains on it?

I need to be washed

What kind of stains are those?

Piss stains and stuff?

No, not piss stains

It looks like it was a casted couch

One time

The fucking couch

You know

Aloha, you've reached Matthew Billings

I was going to ask if you had a brown jerking off couch.

You can do the height of the stains a little better.

Brown jerk off couch.

Alright, free Disney tapes.

Yay!

Then forwarded to an automatic voice message system

8

Law

Got some rapid fire numbers and then we're done

Men who have contacted

Men who have contacted hookers

Via Dashie's John's tool

Okay

So this is like a website where you

Where the out men who get arrested for hooking

I'm not sure how it works

It's in the list of tools that Dashie has

And all these men have contacted hookers

For some fucking

Yeah hi

Hi, is that John Chapman?

No, who is this?

Oh, this is Cross.

I wanted to see if you want me to help you out with the hookers.

With what?

The hookers.

Hookers?

No.

You were trying to get a hooker?

No.

Bye.

Well, I can help you.

I can help.

I make it go away.

No, don't call my phone no more.

I make it go away if you have hookers.

He obviously has.

He don't call my phone no more.

Oh, my mom's going to hear his phone call.

My wife.

I accidentally dialed it.

My wife's going to hear.

No.

hey hooker don't be like that i have her on the phone go ahead neon hey how are you

don't call my phone no more can i talk why not i was trying to cover because neon said be right

back neon could say a bunch of stuff i wouldn't even be listening or paying attention

i'm a snake disagree i think he'll pick up again little hooker

okay here's john who funny lf was a john i'm sorry

i'm not gonna pick up yeah hi john yeah you had the hooker you had the problem with the hooker

what you had the problem with the hooker that you try to get the hooker like you went on the

on the computer to get the hooker you know i have her she told me everything and we're going to tell

your family oh do what the hooker so you try to get with her and she gave me your information and

your phone number now we're going to tell your family that you tried to get a hooker on the

computer what are you talking about you try to get a hooker uh no i didn't yes you did you contacted

the hooker to get information from the hooker it's not because you did a bad thing what's your

your mom gonna think oh okay big joke everyone be sure to visit patreon.com slash prank support

the nation and the station thank you to survive come in winter you may run out of firewood and

lose everyone to dysentery seriously do that and also prankallnation.com backslash uh fundraising

oh yeah the voicemail box of uh here's kent if you want to skip those there's like a pitbull

ball puppy and then uh there's one that heisenberg sent in with the wife of don named lisa she's a

hotel guest oh okay all right fine we'll do this thank you hit ball puppies then dwight you're on

it because i'm done for the night okay don't work in the slave negro person you called has a voice

mailbox that is not charming last thing is this hotel guest grand hyatt new york please choose

Choose from one of the following seven options.

To reach a guest room, press 1.

For guest room reservation, 2.

For sales, pension services, or the executive offices, press 3.

For catering, press 4.

Accounting, press 5.

Do you hear about job opportunities at the Grand Hyatt New York?

I hate to listen to all those things.

To reach valet parking, press 7.

For all other guest and administrative departments, please press 0.

For a second.

You fucking bitch.

Take it, Dwight, up here.

Okay.

Do you need to go in my new office to tell if I can show it?

Yeah, I need to be transferred to my girlfriend's room.

And what's her name?

The last name, I'll spell it for you.

It's A as in Apple, N as in Nancy, G as in George, K as in kite, I as in internet, N as in Nancy, G as in George.

A-N-J-K?

A-N-G-K-I-N-G.

I don't see this name.

No, she's there.

Lisa.

First name is Lisa.

L-I-S-S-A.

a check somewhere else because i don't see it where are you gonna check what are you checking

i'm checking the listing but i don't see that name sir okay okay can you check another name

the last name is hakeem h-a-k-e-e-m hey did you know that uh they're bringing french toast crunch

back that's good cereal i'm sorry yeah i just saw it on the facebooks they're bringing french toast

crunch back okay i'm not showing that name either it's not there can you check one place for me

cute cute check your uh your asshole and see if it's there and no it seems like it's on the other

it's not in your asshole hello you think i didn't know what you were doing what that's why i have

the phone traced don't trace phone well dwight you there what oh skype skype crash i just walked

into that i just said do i go hello and i saw skype crash over here i was like oh let me jump

in was that good guys was that any good anyone let's take a look in the chat see no all right

this is called crash

other fucking players

plus fucking I do

other fucking players

I can't even get anything

out of this shit

well skype is completely down

but regardless I'm done

thanks

everyone who tuned in

I can't get skype to come up now

come on skype

come on man

always let them say goodbye

let me play this song while I try to connect them for a quick goodbye

five foot two

And he's six feet four

He fights with missiles and with spears

Someone should do an after show. That would be nice.

I would appreciate that. I would like that a lot.

And he's only 17

He's been a soldier for a thousand years

He's a Catholic, a Hindu, an atheist, a Jain

A Buddhist and a Baptist and a Jew

And he knows he shouldn't kill

And he knows he always will

i don't know i give up i don't know i see dwight offline i don't get it

okay well thanks to everyone who tuned in tonight i did start early

so i uh leave early but actually longer than i normally would have been on

we're just about the same um again be sure to visit prankhallnation.com

and madhouselive.com i appreciate that i really do

and i suppose i'll catch you all here next week next sunday see you later

who's to live and who's to die he never sees the writing on the wall but without him how would

hitler condemned him at labal without him caesar would have stood alone he's the one who gives his

his body as a weapon of the war. Without him, all this killing can't go on. He's the universal

soldier and he really is to blame. His orders come from far away no more. They come from

here and there and you and me. You see, this is not where we put the end to war.

Calls (31, 1 h 51 min of 2 h 43 min)

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