Telephone Tough Guy

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

You're making a fucking mistake right now, telephone tough guy.

I'm giving you two chances, motherfucker, before I look this fucking number up.

You fucking call me again, I'm going to hunt you down,

and I'm going to take you the fuck out and your own fucking family.

You're nothing but a fucking telephone tough guy.

You're a fucking pussy.

Please don't kill me, all right?

Oh, buddy boy, Jones here.

Guess you're on your knees about now for your life.

You don't feel so cocky now, do you?

Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it right now.

You know what the tragedy is here, Bob?

That you wouldn't go through proper channels.

You went over my head.

But life goes on.

It's an old story, the fight for love and glory, huh, Bob?

It helps if you think of it as a game, Bob.

Every game has a winner and a loser.

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

What I say is they got no business negotiating.

You're going back in there with a bullet for your buddy in the yard.

Oh, is that right?

Later, later ain't good.

Youse.

There are black young lords beside you, rich antisocial.

We gotta go in.

The clock.

Gentlemen.

Ready.

I'm not ready for this tonight.

I'm not ready.

I'm Carlito, host of the show machine known as Carlito's Radio.

I am by myself tonight, thank God.

Trainwreck may be joining me shortly, very shortly.

Call Lowe's.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en español,

marquete a exclamation on delivery.

Bring to flooring.

Please hold.

hey how you doing big guy big teeth how you doing yeah the the floor is there do you have the ones

that go the ones that go the ones that go i don't i don't understand you know the floor it comes in

panels you know and they go oh the float the go they go i don't believe we do they're in a boxes

you know and you open it up and it's wood pieces of wood and they go on the floor and then they go

go you know they go yeah we have we have hardwood flooring yeah but does it go it goes right the

kind that goes nail down and engineer that's what we'll have as far as no i don't need those

upgrades motherfucker i'm just looking for floor that go you know don't i would have to see exactly

what you're speaking of to know exactly what all right uh here i'm i'm showing it right now

you see like this they go like this like i'm showing you that's what they call a warm

form disconnect uh and that song is different at this lows than the other ones i've been calling

it's more more like you did bad thing and now you're being disconnected reflect on it before

you get hung up on thank you for calling loads for information on the list transferring to

flooring please hold yeah what happened the phone went like it didn't go anymore

more transfer she'd probably be better off oh female manager is there a male manager that can

help me better it's not she is the store manager at this time okay well maybe i can discuss that

with her is there a lower ranking but higher ranking than you male um currently no there's

not um she is the mod right now so what's the transfer up to her it's the mod the mod the mean

old oh that's mod you said not be like bitch right it's not the mean oh yeah go ahead and put me

me through to her all right little monkey 1999 hi nagmar hey buddy how's it going hey damn it

shit damn it right yeah shit yeah so when's that fight with pacquiao uh may 2nd may yep is he

finding someone else before uh i don't think so no then he's got one more after that but it might

not happen because uh mayweather won't pay him the 40 million he originally offered him and pacquiao

wants more so

see

like the

fuck

what's that

at

oh this is

gonna take

too long

let's just

call another

department

get her

attention for

real

thank you

for calling

rose

hey shut

up milkman

for information

on delivery

press

transferring to

hardware and

tools

please hold

hey milkman

hey

yeah

milkman's

here

yeah

hey

you're hitting

buttons

stop

Stop. Stop that.

Milkman can only communicate in touch tones.

Ha ha ha.

Manager on duty.

That's right, Rumble.

Thank you.

The mod.

I think that's what they call it at Target, too, don't they?

Fucking bitch.

One answer.

Fucking balls.

Hey, Milkman.

Say something.

All right.

Now I'm starting to get real agitated and pissed off at these people.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol,

mark for information on delivery.

Press transferring to flooring.

please hold your call yeah are you on the front desk damn it front desk how can i help you why

it takes so long and people pick up the phone um god damn it i'm not sure god damn it that

gets me really mad is where's the mod at i need to talk to that bitch um let me go back to her

office and get her she might be eating lunch tell her i said bitch and tell her to put away the

vagina oh now we'll hold it yeah stupid christmas motherfucker fuck it it's been fucking shit right

I'm sorry. My name is Sarah. What can I help you with?

Are you the M.O.D.?

I am a manager.

Oh, is there a man that I can talk to?

A what?

A man.

No, there is not. What can I do to help you?

Well, I was just talking to the guy on flooring, and he said I had to talk to some bitch.

Yeah, there's this bitch called the M.O.D. that needs to talk to you and figure this out.

Okay, sir.

What?

If you're going to use that language, we will not help you, and I will hang up on you.

Okay. What's the M.O.D.? Is she eating lunch?

okay um i can you please tell me what you would like and i can help you i was trying to get the

flooring that goes you're trying to get what flooring that goes flooring it needs to go

the kind that goes you know glows or bows go g-o okay are you trying to purchase something or

yeah well if you have it bull that's why i usually talk to men and the guy was talking

the first was a man he said i had to talk to some broad speak up i can barely hear you

Are you looking for a product

Or are you trying to purchase a product

That we have in stock

Yeah well if you have it in stock

If you carry it

Then I'll eat it

I'll buy it

I'm sorry I said eat it

The flooring that goes

Yeah flooring that goes

Hello is anyone there

Knock knock I'm knocking on your head

Little honey baby

What's the matter bye

Apply

hey brother i'm driving man so i'm gonna be muted yeah drive right out your ass all right

milkman well when you're not driving and i gotta take a big shit in the microwave man oh yeah

turn it up in the 400 yeah it's a mess enigma 420 my brother yeah

big big french train wreck big fat train wreck is here

yeah milkman yeah fuck yeah yeah all right all right let's do more calls let's call lows again

let's do the columns cardito you need to cover since you're on the air you need to cover the

The hostage situation in Sydney.

I heard about that.

That's crazy.

For information on deliveries,

ask about the girl that you're calling.

We need Jack Bauer.

Press 2.

Commercial sales.

Press 3.

Are you ready to talk to someone?

Appliances.

Press 4.

Transferring to flooring.

Please hold.

Flooring that goes, I've been asking for,

and they're very angry because it's, you know, honey.

All right.

Let me talk to them.

I'm going to simmer them down.

I love how rude it is to eat a sandwich

Like right

Right into the mic

People like you can tell they get trouble

But they can't hang up on it

It's not a hang upable offense

Hey first of all I need to apologize

So I'm sorry

Hello

I need to apologize

Sorry who is this

Were you the guy

I was talking about someone

And I lost my temper

I'm sorry

Sorry.

That was Sarah actually.

Can you repair the situation here?

And you can apologize to her?

Oh, yeah, please.

Can you?

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll get her.

All right, thanks.

What's her name?

Sarah, Sarah.

Sarah, all right.

Oh, that's good music.

Ah, fuck yeah.

It was Dwight's music.

He likes it.

Sarah, right?

Uh, yep.

Okay.

Sarah.

Is there an H at the end?

It could be.

Like in Pizza Hut?

Maybe, sometimes.

Like in a hot chocolate.

Calling from the hood.

Hello. Hey, first I need to apologize. I was rude.

Okay.

I'm sorry. You forgive me? Hello?

Uh, sure.

Oh, I lost my temper. It was a really rude day. You know in Sydney there is an hostage situation right now, right?

I have families there. That's why I lost my temper. You forgive me?

Because I need flooring. Can you help me with that?

Um, I can get you an apartment for flooring. One second.

Oh, no, the guy who passed the phone, he said that you were the most competent person that I need to speak.

I explained my problem, and he said, you need to talk to Sarah, right?

So here I am.

What do you need?

Hold on.

Mr. Cross, what's the specification for the project?

Does it need to go?

It needs to go.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Do you have it, Sarah?

Huh?

What?

Oh, this is the same.

Do I have what?

This is the same stupid woman I talked to earlier.

Ah, God.

God darn it, all the egg.

Fuck, shit.

Sarah, we need to make it go.

Can you help us?

Right, bitch?

It doesn't go.

Hello?

Damn it.

Okay, so...

We need the solar tripod.

This sounds like a prank call.

I need a solar panel tripod.

Solar panel tripod.

Solar panel...

I don't know what you guys actually are wanting.

Can you...

Solar panel tripod.

You're actually needing help?

Solar panel tripod.

i'm gonna hang up and if you actually need help no okay we have the sku number the skew the skew

number of the skew right hello sarah yeah people people sku number all right skew number zero one

eight nine seven three two five uh here is my credit card number four five three zero two two

four five eight in one one two three all right four of those one moment hurry up

bitch it's too bad she can't hear me um because I fucking hate her hello I wish

she could hear me right now and tell her so much shit if she could hear me is

there an echo yeah hold on let me jump on my bed here

I didn't know where to go

Is there an echo, Carlito, when I do

No

Okay, you fix it then

I don't know, I don't get an echo

Because I was able to hear it in double

Like

Oh, yeah

Yeah, like

Are you high?

Yeah, I can hear it twice

Are you high?

Me? No

Okay, then it's not that

break you later

yeah

mount up

mount up on

trainwrecks pass

well it's good to

hear you back on

you know

every once in a while

you can

I don't know

if you don't hate us

anymore

you don't know what

I don't know

why there's an echo

I don't know

I'll tell you buddy

alright

do you have an echo

in England

when you say something

or look at it

no I don't have an echo

at all

yeah I can't hear it

Hold on.

Be back.

All right, bye.

Yeah, I can hear it.

It's like in the code.

Oh, do you have the stream open?

No, it's closed right now.

Oh, the internet is closed.

Mahalo purchasing Pizza Hut, Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance.

What is it here?

And a customer service representative will be ready to answer.

Oh, yeah, you can press 1.

I'm sorry, 5 is not a valid choice.

I didn't see it.

Please try again.

Want me to input 1?

Where'd she get 5 from?

Stupid.

stupid hi thank you for calling pizza hut yeah i didn't put it i didn't i didn't put in five

motherfucker i'm sorry i didn't put in five i didn't put in five when i called in and said

five is not an option i didn't do that so obviously you need to fix your machine

right oh hello yeah okay let's make an order okay can i start off with the phone number

Yeah.

Yeah, 325-2014.

I'm sorry, 325-

2-0-1-4?

Yeah.

Next year is going to be 2-0-1-5.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, what is the area code?

808.

I'm sorry?

808.

Okay.

Bitch.

08-325-

God.

2-0-1-4.

Is she ignoring?

Okay, I want this before I pick up our delivery.

For pick up?

Pick up at which location?

location? Iwa Beach by the Taco Bell. Iwa Beach? Yeah, by the Taco Bell. On Papipi Road across the

Shiros? What about, no, you know, yeah, Papipi. On Papipi Road. Papipi? Papipi. What's it called?

What's it called, Corito? Papipi. Uh, lady, how is it called then? Is it, is it Pepipi? Papipo.

Papipi Road? Yeah, okay. Can you read the specials? Okay, how many people are you planning on feeding?

twelve I'm sorry twelve okay so you can get two large pizzas up to three

toppings or specialty for 27 large pizzas up to three toppings or

specialties for $23.49 or we have big New Yorkers one topping for $9.99

oh nice I like it yeah do you have anything else and we have the medium

2 medium peristyle, 2 medium pizza, 2 caustic beach for $19.98.

Alright, anything else? Any other ones? Hello?

Hey, hey honey, I'm over here.

Zip up medium or mild, ask them.

Hello?

Yeah, what the fuck, man?

What the fuck, motherfucker? Hello?

Yeah, what the fuck is the problem with the fucking shit?

What's the problem with the shit, huh?

Stupid, stupid face, stupid bitch, bitch fucking stupid.

Are you stupid?

Was it slow or what happened?

I don't know.

I could understand if it was me, but you?

I don't get it.

Hi, thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Can I start up with your phone number, please?

Shut up.

Shut up, please.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes, I would like the pizza machine ordered for me to go in my car machine and pick it up.

I'll give you money machine.

Hello?

I can barely hear you.

I'll give you the shit.

I'll give you the money for the pizza machine.

Are you placing an order?

Yeah.

Well, hello.

I said that the first time and you didn't understand.

It's 325-2014.

808.

235-2014.

Yeah, that's right, dummy.

Is this for pickup or delivery?

It's for me to go there and pick it up.

From what location?

Papepe.

Never Beach.

beach yeah next to taco bell right yeah but we don't want taco bell we want pizza hut god damn

it stop asking you if it's no extra no no taco bell no no okay and can i get a name for the

sick last time yeah make us speak uh name can i get a name for the order please yeah plasma

plasma plasma p-l-a-s-m-a plasma samsung ready to order yeah we like one bowl one bowl ask for

the papa bowl one bowl one bowl bowl of what papa bowl a bowl of shit i thought you were asking for

a papa bowl yeah i was trying to do something else but oh okay yeah i'm sorry no it's okay

It's alright, I'm just being stupid

I love it

No, thank you

Hey, maybe you can

What's a pejorative term for

Hawaiian people

Like we know about the coconut

What can I say

Darkie

That's a good one

I don't know

How about the n-word

Yeah, but usually people

Don't like when I said that

but since you're the big boss you have the the free pass you know racist term racial terms

how well holly is us

lava lamp okay okay according to this list lava lamp lava nigger

mango mochi pineapple nigger and poi belly

Poi belly is stupid, but lava lamp, I don't get.

Also works on Pacific Islanders or anyone in the volcanic circle.

Oh, there's also kanaka, a Hawaiian word meaning person.

Whites and Asians began to use it in a disparaging way.

And for most of the 19th and 20th century, it was equivalent to the N-word.

In recent times, Hawaiians have made great efforts to reclaim the word from its negative associations

and often describe themselves as kanaka maoli or native people.

That said, non-Hawaiians should still exercise great care when attempting to use this term.

Oh, so there we go. Kanaka.

There we go.

There you go. Kanaka.

Kanaka.

Oh, you can also say kana. Kanaka.

All right, let's test it out on the Pizza Hut.

Yay!

Pizza Hut in Hawaii.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut, Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance.

You

can get a large three-topping or...

Oh.

Gabby, can I set up your number, please?

Gabby, I want to make sure that no kanakas touch my pizza or make it.

Can you?

Oh, I'm sorry?

I don't want any kanakas to touch my pizza or cook my pizza.

No kanaka.

No kanakas?

Yeah.

Kanakas, right.

Yeah, kanakas.

Okay, hold on one second.

Also no negro.

All right.

Hang on, Turing.

Hang on a minute.

How's kanaka?

Feel the kanakas.

You feel kanaka.

in the pineapple field.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, Kanaka, how are you?

I'm sorry?

Yeah, I had a request.

Did you find out?

What was the request?

Is this Gabby or somebody else?

What was the request?

I need to make sure that whatever I have cooked,

pizza or pasta,

is not touched or prepared by any Kanakas.

By what, I'm sorry?

Kanakas.

Are you here to place an order?

Yeah, but I don't want the Kanakas to touch it, you know?

Dirty Kanaka.

Filthy.

Gross.

hello sir yeah call them sir when they are a man yeah that's always good no it's not fair

hey cardito where are you supposed to um i know that in one of your oldest shows that you um

in one of yours you um you played all biggie smalls album yeah yeah you need to to redo that

that sometime soon right now tonight i'm doing all warren g how about yeah the other terms here

aren't that good there's buddha head and bargain korean bargain korean oh okay you can work with

those apparently they call black people buffers or boofers they call blacks that name uh is is

Is there, like, a story for boofers?

Is that an English term for something else?

No, that's all I got on that.

All right.

Boofers.

I don't know what that is.

Kanaka.

All right, moving right along.

Let's do some more stuff.

Let's get away from pizza.

More than that.

Hold on.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

This is a different one.

So I'm going to try to call the chief guy.

I forgot his name already.

Jeff?

Jim?

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For information on delivering to flooring, please hold.

You returned two Lowe's?

Yeah.

Different Lowe's.

Different.

Okay.

Milkman.

We lost Milkman.

Oh, he'll come back.

I did the wrong department.

Motherfucker.

I did run a partner.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque 3.

For information on delivery, press 1.

For scheduled installation, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Take it, shit, I A.

Go back, oh, shit, I C.

I chose D, create the.

Since we're grim, this shit is getting so heavy now.

Yeah, hi, are you Caheca?

Hello?

are you kalika hello kalika hello hi yeah how are you fine i can hardly hear you are you tool world

no oh what what department is this damn hardware hardware hardware what what do you need i need a

certain tool hold on let me let me walk over to the tools and i don't want to talk to kanak though

you know i'm sorry i don't want to talk to any kanaka you know i don't you're talking to one

right now well that's disgusting okay let me uh let me get you to uh seth seth is probably the

best person in tools oh yeah motherfucker is he a white person yeah who's that that was on the phone

with me no who jeff this is seth who was i talking to before dude gary gary are you talking to

to someone you were talking to yesterday yeah um depends on when you called um yeah he i don't want

to talk to any kanaka you know um what is it that you what is it that you were looking for uh well

it's a certain tool but i was down there and this mango this mango fucking kanaka was trying to help

me he smelled like poi i think he was eating poi you know who knows it's gary i was talking to i

I was talking to Gary.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think because, yeah, it was Gary.

I don't think he's hardware.

If it's a tool, he probably passed it off to me.

So if it's a tool, I could probably help you find it better if we had it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to need to talk to hardware, okay?

And tell those kids to shut the fuck up.

And tell that forklift to shut the fuck up, too.

Yeah.

Is there an army of children in the background?

What's going on?

Tell him we said shut up.

Malek, Liki, Maka.

Hello?

Shut up.

All right.

Hey, Carlito, I have an idea.

I want to propose it to you since you're...

Gay.

No.

Since you're more suitable to deliver it, all right?

Oh, yeah.

You should talk to hardware, but pick a different location, at least.

And tell them that you bring your wrench at the location, like yesterday.

and to see if it worked you try to like undo some bolts in the scaffolding you

know where they put all the stuff so and try to leave them where you remove some

bolts and it was creaking but it scares you so you leave the store you just want

to you you are asking if it fell down already all right all right motherfucker

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker, you?

Motherfucker, you shit.

Ah, shit.

How's it going?

Yeah.

This is my shit, man.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For information on delivery, transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

i sure don't make music like that anymore no tools and hardware this is the boys hey boy how

you doing toby hey how you doing hey good your name is uh your name is toby right yeah what's

your name good good good i don't have to give you any lashings anymore um listen i was there

yesterday with my uh with my wrench i was testing it out a few of these uh craftsman wrenches that

i got and i undid a bunch of bolts on one of the shelves there like a whole bunch of them

And I was, like, loosening them up, tightening them, and loosen, and tighten, loosen, tighten.

And then all of a sudden, like, it went ba-da-boom, like that.

And a few things fell on the ground, and the whole, like, it was one of those really tall ones that goes up almost to the ceiling.

And it started listing really bad.

It looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

And all, like, a lot of the things from it fell down.

It was, like, all these generators.

Okay.

Yeah, so I got scared, and I ran away.

Okay.

Did anything happen?

Did anyone get hurt?

He didn't hear anything of that.

Are you sure that was...

Yeah, it was yours.

Okay.

Yeah.

Is there a mail manager who might know?

Yeah, there's a mail manager.

Oh, yeah?

What's his name?

Yeah, you want to talk to him?

What's his name?

I said.

What's your name there?

My name is Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Boy.

Yeah, it sounds like a pretty good prank call there, buddy.

It's not.

it's not a prank called serious what's that it's not a prank called serious okay um yes i don't say

that most cc name is cross right yeah you have a first name or is that your last name no cross is

all you need just cross that's all we need okay yeah doing that on in the back somewhere wherever

the generators are stupid wherever the generators were yeah stupid okay so is there someone else you

you want to talk to or is that well like there was a shut up there was a cart under there this

This lady had a cart, and she was able to run away in time with her baby, but she had, like, 30 cans of house paint inside.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and the cart tipped over, and there was paint all over the place.

It was pink and blue.

Really?

By what time was it?

Oh, it was in the afternoon.

In the afternoon?

This pink and blue paint was everywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then this guy was like, hey, you motherfuckers, you, like that.

at like this uh guy that works there one of the employees like you motherfucker you and he he

went into his apron and he pulled out like a snub nose gun and he started shooting it in the air

like like that and then he was shooting a snub snub nose gun in the air yeah he was like you

motherfuckers you motherfucker like that he started having like a panic attack and he was

shooting his gun up yeah up into the air and then one of the lights like got hit by the bullet and

It went, and there was glass everywhere, and it went, and, like, all this, like, sparks rained down, you know?

Uh-huh.

And then all this stuff was catching on fire.

Air conditioning filters were catching on fire, and paint was catching on fire, and then the generator started running.

You're, like, seeing...

Generator started running.

Yeah, they were, like, on the ground all fucked up.

They were, like, like that.

Yeah, and there was all this smoke from the generators coming up.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then, like, this one guy came out of the bathroom.

He said he was trying to use the glory hole, and he was all pissed off,

and he had a bazooka rifle, and he, like, shot it like an RPG.

He shot it and went clear across the store, and it hit a forklift.

I was going beep, beep, like that.

It hit it.

Wow.

Yeah, but the forklift operator ejected right in time.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, he ejected.

And he landed, like, around where the seasonal stuff is.

Yeah, he was okay.

Okay. That was really cool.

Well, I'll let the manager know everything that happened.

All right. Well, thanks.

What's his name? What's the manager's name?

Manager's name?

Yeah.

Robert.

Oh, okay. Can we talk to Robert now, since we explained his situation?

I believe he's with a customer right now.

No, tell him that there's an important person on the telephone right away.

Sounds like there's another voice now.

Yeah.

That's my lawyer, Mr.

Are you the only person on the phone?

No, that's my lawyer, Mr. Turpois.

Yeah.

This is Mr. Turbois.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

Mr. Turbois, attorney at law.

Turbois is my name, boy.

T-U-R-B-O-I-S-E.

Wow, boy.

Okay.

Wow, you guys have a pretty good story there.

Oh, we just started.

This is not all.

We need to speak to Robert now.

We don't have time to waste on a lonely employee.

You know too much, as far as we know.

I know too much, as far as you know.

Yeah, we need to debrief you right away.

Oh, yeah.

After we talk to Robert.

So connect us.

Well, I hope you're recording.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is a pretty good one.

I got to admit.

Right.

So pass us to Robert right away.

Quick.

Come on, boy.

Chop, chop.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Boy.

Hey, boy.

What are you doing there, boy?

What are you doing here in the store, boy?

Yeah, I think I'll stall for a little longer.

What are you doing in this store, boy?

Is he a kalaka?

I mean, was he eating away at your gill?

I mean, trying to...

Are you a kanaka?

You got your papers, boy?

Huh?

You got your papers, boy?

How long did it take you to come up with this story?

And do I have my papers?

Yeah, boy.

It's an immigration checkpoint right now.

Yeah.

Let's see your papers, boy.

What's that?

Let's see your papers.

Yeah, let's see your teeth.

Let me look and stick your tongue in.

You don't need to see my papers.

My papers are here.

Let me see your teeth.

I know what I have.

Come here.

I'm going to hold you...

Come here, I don't even know where you're at.

I'm going to hold you by your cheeks and I'm going to open up your mouth and inspect your teeth and your gums, motherfucker.

Stick your tongue all the way up, let me see.

You guys are some pretty good jokesters over there.

Boy.

Wow.

You got any drugs or needles or anything that I need to know about in your pants, pockets?

Huh, boy?

Sounds like you might have them hiding up your ass.

That's pretty original right away

So where you headed boy

Where you headed boy

You guys are coming up with some original stuff yourself

Where you headed boy

I was trying to come up with the same stuff you guys already have

You're not as good as we are

Ah fuck this guy

He's pretty boring

Oh hold on

Oh okay that's the hung up song

For one second I thought he was going to pass us to Robert

Oh maybe we can call back

And ask for Robert right away

way. Yeah, we'll call from front desk.

I forgot what option this front desk is. Oh, his

name was Tobias or something like that?

Tobias. Tobias, right.

What did you say to him?

That you don't need to give him lash?

Yeah, Toby.

That's from Roots.

Tell him that

Toby is the name of a dog.

Dogs and slaves.

Oh, Jesus

Christ. But you don't put them in the

same pan, because the slave

won't fuck the dog, no?

know yes we need to talk to robert the manager the mod motherfucker robert the mod motherfucker

um there is no robert here who's the robert that's an mod who's the mod damn it it's andrew

put him on the phone speak with him yeah damn i don't need to talk to any women women

see why this is hilarious oh she's passing us true surprise

price thank you for holding this is andrew how can i help you today hey andrew boy how you doing

motherfucker i'm good how are you i was just talking to this asshole named tobias you know

who that is okay you know who that is i say that's a question boy tobias yes he works in my hardware

yeah he was really rude to me and he said i had to talk to the manager on duty named robert and

then i find out there is no robert there what the fuck is this shit motherfucker okay well what's

the problem how can i help you today well go ask him what i said okay well do you want me to put

you on hold and ask him or do you want me to call you back or oh how far away is he from you fat boy

i bet you take a long excuse me i bet you take a long time to walk over there fatty fat boy

have a good night sir no no no i'm sorry we didn't get too late we didn't get the song shit

it because every day somebody's out there trying to put in a little work for the well only so if

that uh can help you i really like your story with the rpg at some point with the forklift

at the right moment he ejected yeah right yeah he deployed an rpg she was like

He's like, no, I didn't hear about that.

And the lady was crushed by the scaffolding who falls with her baby.

She saved the baby and made it.

30 cans of paint.

She was crushed.

30 cans of paint.

100 cans of paint.

I think it would have been more funnier if she was killed in the accident.

No, no.

That's serious.

Well, I'd be back.

Come on, man. It's almost Christmas. You can't be talking like that.

Yeah, but the RPG guy would have killed for anything.

Okay. I'm copying numbers from Dwight. Let me add Dwight.

Collection.

All right, guys. The first lady is calling me to the bed, so have a good night.

You have a lady.

all right we'll have fun with that bye i'll see you man

all right that's him

oh give me a second

We put it on track and we locked it.

Nigga, did I rock it?

It really doesn't matter because it's still on the pop.

What are you doing there, baby?

Hey.

I'm going, little bitch.

Kind of scary.

Okay.

Audra has babies?

I don't know what they are exactly.

You know what babies they are?

Cats?

She's giving away something.

She's selling something.

Female and free.

Okay, well.

Oh, come on.

You got it.

Oh, fuck her.

Oh, that fucking bitch.

call luling city market yeah trainwreck if you're listening nunu wants to know if you put it in your

wife's ass i don't think he's married i don't think he's a girl lady female caller so to say

his bitch enhancement he was paying for the you need to go fuck that bitch here's barbecue all

right it's black dwight everybody black dwight's back this is trainwreck's girlfriend i suck his

stick left and right i thought that was neon for a second yeah i thought that was neon too

i got douche chills thanks toy seriously i thought i was like where'd neon come from

what a nighter all right uh a guest named maurice in london hey all right this is the first time

you messed around with your mixer like you're uh i just i just got it last night no somebody uh

gave me a voice changer to look for and uh it works pretty good i can play music and sounds

Hello and welcome to the Hilton London Docklands.

Please choose from one of the following options.

For individual reservations of nine bedrooms or less, press 1.

For conferences, events, and group reservations of ten bedrooms or more, press 2.

For all other calls, press 3.

Please hold.

hey how you doing big teeth sir i cannot hear you hey big teeth how you doing how you doing sir

all right monkey i need to speak to a guest maurice de beijer sorry i need to speak to a

guest his name is maurice de beijer okay just one second i need to you need to look it up in

the computer stupid sorry yeah okay what is the surname of the guest surname d e d e space b e i

j e r be sure d e space b e i j e r just one second please okay i can i can barely hear you

sir okay okay you hear me now i can hear you better okay honey hello sir yeah honey i'm here

Are you looking for Mr. Maurice Debegier?

Yeah, did you find him yet or what?

Yes, I did, yeah.

Oh, please put me through. Thank you.

Are you related to the person, sir?

Yes, and it's important. Please.

Sorry?

Yes, it's important. Please. It's a family issue.

It's a family issue, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, sir, because since, you know, probably where you call him from is day, but now here he's early in the morning.

I know, but he's still on that schedule. It's okay.

Okay. He will understand. If I have to wait until GMT morning, 8 o'clock a.m. GMT, it's going to be big trouble for me.

Is he expecting your call, sir?

Yes.

Okay. I'll put you through.

My goodness. Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, but there is no answer at that extension. To try another extension, enter it now, or stay on the line to leave a voicemail message.

Where's my voice message?

Try that guy again.

He's funny.

Hello and welcome to the Hilton.

Please hold.

Hilton.

Hold the next one.

Hilton, background reception.

Good evening.

You're speaking.

I'm going to help you.

Yes, hey.

I need to be...

We got disconnected.

Can you please put me through back to Mr. Maurice de Begier?

But did Mr. Maurice pick the phone?

Yes, and then he dropped it and was like,

Like, oh, shit.

Like that.

No, it disconnected.

He dropped the phone on accident.

I can hear him dropping it.

Okay, but did you manage to speak to him?

I did start speaking to him, and then he dropped the phone,

and it got cut off, and I couldn't deliver the message.

He dropped the phone?

He dropped the phone, yeah.

How come he dropped the phone?

I don't know.

I'm not there.

Am I there?

How come he dropped the phone?

Stunning views of the Thames and Canary Wharf

This fucker thinks he's a security guard.

Are you relative?

Are you relative of him?

Private investigator.

How come you dropped the phone?

Hello?

Yes, hi, is that Maurice?

Yes.

Good evening, sir.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from the front desk.

We have a problem.

Yes, hello?

Yes, Maurice, I'm calling from the hotel front desk.

We have a problem.

What's the problem?

There's a complaint that you had your door cracked open

and you had exposed yourself to one of our cleaning ladies who was walking by

and she said you were showing your private parts to her and saying,

come here, come here, like that.

Guilty as charged.

Guilty.

Hey, hang on.

Let me do the voice changer.

I'll call back and ask for Maurice.

Okay, okay.

The fucking PNS identification check on Meets.

Hello and welcome to the Hilton London Docklands.

Please choose from one of the following options.

For individual reservations of nine bedrooms or less, press 1.

For conferences, events, and group reservations of ten bedrooms or more, press 2.

For other calls, press 3.

Fucking bitch.

Oh, I also could have held.

Hello and welcome to Hilton London, Brooklyn.

Please choose from one of the following options.

Try 3, Dwight.

For individual reservations of nine bedrooms or less, press 1.

One, for conferences, events, and group reservations of 10 bedrooms or more.

Two, for all other calls, press three.

Please hold.

Hold.

Hold on to them titties.

Hilton, back on the reception.

Good morning, and you're speaking.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing there, small dick?

I need to be transferred.

Sir?

Yeah.

I cannot hear you, sir.

Well, open your fucking ears.

Hello.

Hello, sir.

I cannot hear you properly.

Could you hear me now?

Could you speak?

Could you please speak loudly?

No, can you hear me now?

what's your problem I can hear you now sir okay I need to speak to Maurice put that motherfucker

on the line uh I'm afraid I'm not going to put him in on the line because the language that you

are using don't you talk back to me you put him on the line yes sir but I did put it twice and

I'm not going to put him again I'm a different guy put me through you you are a different now

now you are a different I am his employer I must speak with him and you are using a swear

He's on a business trip. I'm his employer. I have business with him.

Sir, I cannot hear you.

Put me through.

I cannot hear you properly, sir.

Put me through.

Now, motherfucker. Do it.

Do it.

Oh, shit.

Motherfucker.

We're talking to UK people.

All that music's fucked up through this thing.

Look at the voice, Jamie.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, I got to play a prank call while I go get some more water.

Wah-wah.

Yeah.

Hey.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, recorded things.

Yeah.

You said the N-word.

Yeah.

I have a call here

called Rosenthal

Female Accompanying

me.

Okay.

Why not?

Let's see.

God bless you.

Nah, Bruno

Vago's serious.

Hey, I got good

news, man.

I just got a

hundred dollar

cash tip, man.

Oh, yeah?

You suck a dick

for that?

Fuck no.

This cute-ass

bitch, dude.

She didn't

give me her

number, man.

Like, all I did

was give her

some medical

advice dude she like tipped me a hundred fucking dollars talked to her about weed and she gave you

a hundred dollars no hell no dude this is something else man this is another specialty i have man

podiatrics oh the foot stuff yeah man this poor girl i told her man to get it checked out she was

so happy dude i don't know why she i told her take the money to the doctor like four times dude i

tried not to take the hundred dollars bill from her and she wouldn't do it i ain't got her phone

number just to give it to you take it back to the show yeah a really big shoe

it's gonna be a gigolo

anyway where did she go where did you take her to a bar

I took her to a tap-based restaurant called Mommy.

It's real, like, uh, uh, like...

Yeah?

Great.

Sounds good.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, popcorn.

It's a certain way.

Yeah?

Oh, nice.

It's 315 pounds, damn it.

She's long and tall.

I give her a hug.

It's kind of hot.

It was my click.

Yeah?

Hey.

She has no idea what I'm talking about.

Nobody can hear me.

Milk, ma'am.

Fix your stuff, man.

This sounds bad.

You're going to make that.

Mutate again.

My audio is bad.

I'll mutate.

Sorry about that.

Are you driving actively now or are you parked?

I'm driving, dude.

I'm driving.

Fuck it, dude.

I was about to take it off.

Some bitch creased me a hundred fucking dollars.

If I ain't taking off, I'm driving.

Oh, it's a good thing you did.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, man.

Yeah, baby.

It's got another one coming in.

All right, guys.

Keep up the good work.

You're on the streak, man.

Man, baby, let's start that streak, that $100 tip streak, motherfucker.

That's right.

It's no fucking flex tips or anything, but I'll give her a flex tip if she's in or out.

Yeah, the tip of the flag.

All right.

I take care of my kepters, full service.

All right, Dwight, you want to do one?

I got Paul Zwiebin.

Zwebin?

You see that one there?

Paul Zwiebin.

And it's behavioral services only.

I'm going.

See you, buddy.

Yeah, I'll call Paul.

Paul Zwiebin.

Zwebin.

damn new york hotels

oh andy yeah he got married oh milkman you there andy got married

what andy got married on saturday yeah what's his name what's the husband's name

uh i'm just kidding i love andy but that's my joke i've been busting his balls for

what nine years yeah i guess congratulations andy i finally met that trucker that made him smile

I'm just going to take this one.

All right.

Hello, Carlos.

We're not getting an answer.

We can move on.

I'm sorry.

Fucking popcorn, right?

You guys into that?

I love that shit.

Popcorn is good shit, man.

I get the lightly salted, then I add salt to it.

Okay.

So the next one, then, is...

You ever burn your popcorn?

No, I don't like that.

Try to get all the kernels popped, and you end up fucking burning that shit.

You know what you do?

You wait until there are three seconds in between, like, to the second.

in between pops when you finally get where you can get three seconds between two of them popping

turn it off it's always perfect i'll try that i get minimal seeds left in the bag when i do that

and it's never burned three seconds man three seconds shit damn it yep i don't even set a time

i just hit the 30 second thing on my microwave until it gets to like three and a half and it

okay shannon george it's in a boy is it a grower about to find out

you know i've found there's some variance in brands too it will cook better at different speeds

yeah yeah like one i use a minute and 27 seconds another one i use it's a minute and 34

okay i put my shit in there for uh two minutes i usually do 132 no 231

the big ones

the half bags

you do for like a minute

you got the half bags

the mini

so you don't need as much

but you still need to

that's at the hotel

oh that wasn't

the hotel

alright we got Chris

who's his

fuck messenger right now

I'm getting message

notifications out the app

ok

still doing it Dwight

oh yeah

Hello

Chris what the fuck's your problem buddy

Chris

Dwight

Dwight motherfucker

I can't hear you gotta speak up

That's cause you got some dicks in the ears

Who's this

Yeah it's Dwight

Who the fuck is Dwight

Yeah

No I think you got the wrong number

No it's Chris

Motherfucker he's upset

He put down the phone

Yeah this is Chris

Who is this

He said that you were on Facebook saying

Fuck it fuck you and all that shit

Do what

He said you were on Facebook

book and you're saying fuck you people fuck messenger fuck you everybody to a whole bunch

yeah i'm saying fuck messenger because it wasn't working no you were like fuck you to him too you

like fuck dwight fuck you fuck you yeah i had a fucking problem i lost my reception yeah fuck you

chris you bitch ass you soft bottom motherfucker i don't know who the fuck this is man but uh

Uh, yeah, I don't appreciate this phone call at all.

I don't give a fuck what you appreciate.

You understand me, motherfucker?

Why don't you tell me who this is?

Yeah, why don't you tell that dog to shut the fuck up?

You fucking that dog in the ass?

What's your fucking problem, pal?

Come on.

Here we go.

My fucking problem is I don't like being called and being disrespected.

Yeah, you got that fucking dog.

You got the brown.

It's got the browns and then it's got that fucking white streak down its face.

I'm going to slap that fucking dog.

oh so you know you know where they say why don't you come over yeah next time next time it fucking

runs across the street right in front of my car i'm gonna fucking slap it i see you go across the

street i'm hitting the gas i'm gonna fucking run it over oh yeah who the fuck is this dude i'm

serious why don't you come over right now i'm not even gonna stop i'm not gonna leave a note

simply fuck you fuck your dog the wonder of my dog dude i don't know who the fuck this is i

I don't appreciate this fucking phone call.

I don't think you know who the fuck I am, motherfucker.

Who the fuck are you, motherfucker?

You don't just call me and disrespect me, motherfucker.

Who'd this be?

I don't think you know who the fuck I am, dude, or who the fuck I know.

Oh, yeah?

Who'd this be?

It would be fucking smart of you to fucking hang up and never, ever look at this fucking ass again.

Call the phone, tough guy.

If you know who the fuck I am and you know who the fuck this ass is, come over right now.

Yeah, I'll come over there.

I'm telling you though

You get that dog

Out in the street

Yeah come over right now

Motherfucker

You put that dog

I'm gonna make a few phone calls

And I'm gonna set an example

Yeah

Yeah that's exactly

What the fuck I'm gonna do

The dog

The dog's gonna go outside

Dog's going outside

I'm bringing scissors

Tail

Tail's coming off

I think you need to check

My background

Before you fucking

Step

Why don't you fucking tell me

Instead of sitting there

Going oh you better check

You better check it

That's what pussies do

What pussies do what

Yeah, well you tell me cause you're the pussy

Pussy

I don't know, dude, you don't know who the fuck I am

You don't know what the fuck people believe

You don't know the people I run with

You're making a fucking mistake right now, telephone tough guy

Oh yeah, oh yeah, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, you're making a huge fucking mistake

Oh yeah, how huge of a mistake am I making?

You just put on this property

I'll fucking put a bullet in your motherfucking head

And I'll have your whole family killed, motherfucker

You don't have shit on your fucking number

my number you don't got shit i'm giving you two chances motherfucker before i look this

fucking number up yeah well i already used this fucking property you fucking call me again i'm

gonna hunt you down and i'm gonna take you the fuck out and your own fucking family where we

going we're going to apple piece we're gonna go to apple piece do what you said we're going out

where we're going we're going apple piece dude i'm telling you right now motherfucker i'm gonna

I'm going to hunt you down.

No, don't do it.

You have to tell me who you are,

but I'll find out if it's not,

I'm going to hunt you the fuck down.

You can believe that.

You know what?

Fuck you.

You're not the motherfucking telephone cop guy

calling me, disrespecting me.

You don't fucking know me at all.

Yeah, everybody says that.

Until dog goes missing, dog's gone.

I sell them to a Chinese restaurant and shit.

What's the matter?

Why do you keep breathing so hard

and clearing your throat there?

You got some jizz in that shit or what?

Do what?

You got cum in your throat.

All right.

I'm hanging the fucking phone up.

Okay.

I'm going to call back.

Dude.

Oh, my God, dude.

I'm going to call back.

Tell me who the fuck you are if you're so bad.

Tell me who the fuck you are.

Show up at this house.

Show up at this fucking house.

Show me how bad you are.

Shut up.

Hey, motherfucker.

Hang the phone up so I can call back.

You're a fucking pussy.

Hey.

Calling somebody.

You can't.

You can't talk to me like that again.

I'm not going to fuck your mother, okay?

I'm telling you, when I find out

who you are,

you're done. Believe that.

I'm done with what?

You're dead, motherfucker.

How are you going to do it, pussy?

I'm going to hunt you the fuck down.

And I'm going to find out who you are.

Oh yeah, you can believe that.

Have a good night.

I love you.

I'm barely fucking dead.

Alright, we'll call him back.

We'll call him back.

Tell me where to drag his dog down the street.

The trick is dogs.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

No, that's all right.

It's better when we get the hero's reaction.

He's not available.

At the tone, please record your...

You don't know who this is.

No, tell me, tell me.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I bet it's pissing him off, too.

The phone is fucking ringing in the morning.

The chairman thinks he's crying.

It did sound like he was crying there for a minute.

For a minute, it was.

He kept taking his pauses, breathing in like...

He's like he can't handle it.

Oh, save that one for yourself, Dwight.

Maybe we'll answer, you know, later on in the week.

Yeah.

Save it as Crazy Chris.

You don't know who he is, man, or who he knows.

He's going to track down that Skype number and Carlito's going to be fucked.

It's been a great mistake.

It's been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

It looked like I was able to save it when you got your reception problem there.

Yeah, I was messing with my mic.

I thought that something had happened and nobody could hear me.

Do you still run Skype through the browser?

Who, me?

Yeah.

No, I never ran Skype through the browser.

Oh, I thought you said you did that.

Dude.

Okay.

He said he's an outlaw, right?

Here's Outlaw by Tupac.

Remix of it.

Alright, uh...

That's right, nigga.

Did you hear about that Tupac album that they're coming out with?

They're gonna let fuckin' people remix his shit again.

Oh, cool.

Love it.

Alright, Ashley Hallman wants to sell a beautiful engagement ring.

It's almost new.

War for a month.

Whoa.

Well, yeah, it's been nice doing pranks with you guys

over these last so many years.

but apparently i'm fucking dead i made a grave mistake they actually just posted something uh

off of his uh facebook he said something uh he said he said there would most definitely be an

altercation at cheap tobacco department apparently he goes to get some replacement coil and uh they

were about to close and he got out the door and was like oh this ain't the right one and he goes

to go back in the manager locked the door and shit and uh so he knocked the manager's like oh

Oh, no, you come back tomorrow.

And he's like, the dude's all fucking pissed.

He's like, I'm going to go down there tomorrow and go fucking do something.

It's on Facebook.

He's publicly making threats.

Smart.

Yeah.

All right, let's call a liquor store named Dick's.

Dick's.

Big Dick's.

It's in L.A.

L.A. County.

Honey, hi.

You're calling for the liquor store?

Yeah.

Yeah, can I bring baseball bat?

Baseball bat?

No, we don't have a baseball bat.

I want to bring one.

Huh?

Yeah, I'm going to bring one.

Oh, no, we don't have one.

Are you Korean?

It's one of those Korean shops that got hit in the Rodney King riots.

LA.

This must be a little Korea town, whatever.

My cat at night.

Hi.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

Do you have one?

Yeah.

What flavor vodka do you have?

Do you have vanilla?

Huh?

What flavor vodka?

Oh, no, we don't.

Basketball?

No, vodka, vodka.

Ah, vodka.

Yeah, vodka, we have, you know,

grape, so everything,

smear of a lot of kind.

No, the flavor, like fruit,

you know, banana.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we have banana.

Yeah, wait a minute.

I have Epsilop.

You like Epsilop vodka?

Epsilop.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I have Epsilop flavor.

Uh-huh.

Uh, currant.

Open it.

And, uh.

Open it.

Open, open.

Wild tea.

Uh-huh.

Wild tea.

Okay.

And.

It seems she got some of the pussy flavor.

Pussy.

Huh?

What flavor?

Pussy.

Uh, and cherry.

You have pussy?

Cherry can.

Cherry cunt?

Uh, yeah, cherry can.

Cherry can.

We have.

And, uh, I don't have a vanilla.

Vanilla? I don't have a vanilla apple now.

Do you have pussy?

You like vanilla?

No, pussy, pussy.

Pussy?

Pussy.

Anyway, you come in, okay?

I have a Smirnoff flavor, orangey and peachy and vanilla.

Vanilla Smirnoff, I have.

Vanilla Smirnoff, vodka.

Do you have a massage?

Yeah, I have a vanilla Smirnoff.

Massage? Massage?

Huh?

Massage.

What size, sir?

Massage-y.

You can come, okay?

Okay, stupid.

It's in the air.

Check me out, though.

Hi, this is Elena.

Yeah, hi.

You have some things?

You have a chaise?

Say it again?

You have a chaise?

Free chaise?

I have a what?

Free chaise lounger.

You have a chaise lounger?

Okay, all right.

What color is this shit?

Ah, it's white.

Okay, did any kanakas sit in it?

Any what?

Kanakas?

Yeah.

Yeah, like dirty Hawaiian, like native Hawaiian people.

Can you speak louder?

Like native, dirty native Hawaiian people, kanakas, you know?

What about them?

Did they sit in this thing and get their greasy hands everywhere?

I think so, no.

Like never?

For a while.

Never, right?

No.

Okay, now I saw you have an over-the-toilet shelf machine.

Is it clean?

The shelf is gone.

Somebody is picking it up.

Oh, it's got a lot of shit.

Sorry, I had you hurt.

You know how when you use the toilet, there's shit in the air, you know?

Your shit and piss, it gets aerosolized, and it goes up in the air.

That's why you can smell it.

Yeah, that's why I always cover my toothbrush, and I leave it in my bedroom.

I bring it with me, always.

All right.

I always do that.

Because the bathroom, when you take a shit in the bathroom,

it goes, there's poop germs everywhere, all over.

It's like you're, so the toilet shelf.

Well, anyway, you don't have to worry about the bathroom because the shelf is gone.

I know.

Can I tell this person, though?

Because, like, it was right over the toilet, so it has a lot of feces and urine on it, you know?

You know what?

Never mind.

No, I want the chase, bitch.

Fucking whore.

Never mind.

Oh.

Fucking

bitch maui rainbow t yeah all right let's hear from maui rainbow t

our sponsor i'm coming in greg i'm fixing to work on the sign all right warren g you do that

coming up next we have yeah let's see i don't know let's call her on her other phone right

right yeah let's do that does your voice change you do that yeah uh i don't know let's let's try

i'll try in a second oh yeah i can't wait oh look what nudie said i don't know what a motherfucker

right i think i cleans the shit out of the toilet with a toothbrush yeah it probably does

Blood clout.

I'm answering the phone.

So we got three month old kitties for adoption.

And...

For you, you don't change the voice pitch.

You just need a really loud, fast echo.

It's gotta be shorter than that.

Faster.

Less delay on the echo.

Good afternoon.

How are you, honey?

I see you got some animals you're giving away adoption.

Some kitty cats.

Yeah, good for you.

you why does everyone keep saying that tonight motherfucker yeah uh i don't know now it's starting

to come in a little louder but it's like it's like you're on speakerphone it's like fucking

shit right you know yeah no it's getting a little clear but yeah i heard you about the cat yeah

oh i got a one cat for adoption man yeah okay good and are you charging a fee yeah i'm trying

to what say again charging a fee fucker no no we just want to give our cat away to a good home

Oh, good.

Well, I'm a good master, cat master.

I used to have a lot of those motherfuckers.

Now, are these cats, did they have Kineka owners or no?

We just had a, we moved into our place and we had a cat and it had kids, it had babies.

It seemed like a Steinmeier's cat.

I'm not too sure.

Yeah.

But it had like, it had four kittens and we just didn't give it up for adoption.

I don't really know much about them.

It's a female?

We just keep them safe.

It's a female?

How big?

Yeah.

How big are the sexual organs?

I'm not even sure.

I haven't looked.

I haven't really checked out.

I just know it's a female.

Yeah?

How do you know?

Because it doesn't have a dick involved, so it looks like a female to me.

Like a vagina?

Yeah, it looks like it had a vagina.

But it was like, she's like black.

She's a black cat.

The mama's white.

She's black with like brown spots.

She's pretty cool.

She's real adventurous.

But I don't know.

No, she's been inside her whole since she was born.

So we're just really keeping her inside.

We're waiting for her to find a home to get shots and then go outside.

Okay.

I bet she'd make a good outdoor cat, too.

I don't know what you're looking for.

But are you Kanaka or no?

Am I connected?

Yeah.

Am I connected?

I don't know.

To what?

Kanaka.

Are you Kanaka?

Are you a Kanaka?

Kanaka?

I'm not sure what you mean, but I know I...

Are you dirty Hawaiian native?

Hawaiian native?

No, sir.

Oh, good.

Good.

good good yeah i'm a white guy good good that's good that's good that's good okay good but the

cat is the cat is black and that's not good yeah the cat is black and i'm white yeah okay but i

can change the cat's color that's easy to do oh okay yeah we're just looking for good homes for

the cat i don't know if you're interested in checking her out yeah i'd like to come check

Check her out, play with her a little bit, show her my sexual organs, see how she reacts.

Yell at her and see how she takes it.

Maybe we could go outside.

I'd like to shoot a gun in the air around her, see how she reacts.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't need any shy fucking animal around here.

I need a nice, strong cat.

I don't know if you want to let her loose with you.

I mean, if you're shooting guns and you want to show her your sexual organs.

Well, the cat doesn't know what a sexual...

You're looking for a normal cat, like a...

I am.

I've had, I've owned like 22 cats, I think, up to now in the last two years.

I'm a very good owner.

Man, you're puzzling me, aren't you?

No, no, no.

They go away, they run away and stuff like that.

Or, you know, they run out of food and they go somewhere else for food.

You know, or they go out for fucking and they don't come back.

Yeah.

You're a good owner for her.

That's pretty much it.

All right, I'm coming then.

Where can I go?

Where do I go?

are you near kanaka kahaka kahika uh kahika road papipi road where exactly i don't want you i don't

want you coming over and that's like i know for sure that you're like serious about giving her a

good home you know yeah i am from what you're telling me it sounds like no no i'm serious

no no no i'm okay i'm baking tacos what are you joking around wait wait wait wait don't go yet

What did you say I'm doing?

Making tacos?

Hello?

Come on, don't leave me hanging without knowing what that meant.

Hello?

No, I'm not.

I was just, like, making sure, because I was, like, a pretty heavy state there.

I was, like, you know, I was trying to give her a good home, and I'm not trying to let

her loose to someone that's going to, like, make me get crazy with her.

She's a good cat, man.

I love her.

I got connections with her, you know?

Yeah.

So, like, she's a good cat, and I want to make sure that she goes to a good place.

But I don't want to waste your time, and I don't want you to waste my time.

I'm not wasting your time.

no just you know i show the sexual organs every day it's you know to show dominance that's all

it is i don't do anything i don't touch the cat why is that even an issue like what about the

sexual organs when they when they see when they see the sexual organ they know that i'm the

dominant person you know because i get to show it like that show it big strong much bigger than

theirs and they're like okay like this is the master of the house and they won't they don't

you know break things or pee on things they don't make a lot of meowing annoying meows

i don't know yeah fuck man i don't know maybe i can show it to you tomorrow during the day if

that's okay yeah yeah yeah okay and i'll bring uh yeah that's cool all right and do you have a

private you know what call me tomorrow i'm gonna get off work tomorrow at one o'clock

do you have a private area that i can be alone with the cat a private area

Uh, no, but I got a phone number, and if you want to come check her out tomorrow, just give me a call, okay?

Yeah, but will there be a private area tomorrow?

A private area for the cat.

Yeah, and me only.

With a door.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

With a door.

With a door that I can...

Fuckin' idiot.

Hey, don't.

You're trying to creep me out.

Don't say that.

I'll talk to you later.

If you want to sit here, call me tomorrow, okay?

I'm masturbating now.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Sexual organs to the king.

They call me

sexual chocolate.

Call me tomorrow.

That was fun.

Where's that motherfucker milkman at?

Shit.

He keeps dropping out.

Like he's drinking and driving that

taxi shit again?

Knowing him, probably.

Hold up.

All right, um, free American bully girl, uh-huh, all right, voicemail, I think, hello, yeah,

hi, you have a female pit bull, a bully, what is, what's a bully, fucker, you have a female

bully, you piece of shit, you have a female bully, motherfucker, you, why'd you do that,

you motherfucker, I was gonna get the fucking dog, my name is Cross, and you had to fucking

give it away first you stupid shit hang up the phone motherfucker hang up the fucking phone then

asshole hello put that bitch on the line see if she buys some of this black dick he did hang up

the phone it's the first time they really do that yeah all right well we've played through the war

and g album it is now 11 45 i'm getting sleepy i'm gonna try to take a fucking dime i bought an

energy drink i left it in the fucking grocery cart i realized when i got home i had no energy

drink you do that for it was a mistake just a mistake all right i'll take a break here when

we come back we're gonna have more numbers to people yeah people selling things people saying

staying places fuck yeah fucking ain't fuck right fuck yeah i got some jobs for you and

craigslist there for you sweetie oh good lux thanks thanks for getting that send that in

Oh yeah, okay, I'll be right back in a few minutes

Hopefully I don't fall asleep

Oh, don't do it

Nation in the nation

Right call nation

785

That when you die, put your GPS in your box

Or at the bottom

House radio

You are bigger than a woman

We'll always be behind you

We'll always find you

I have changed, Michael

I cry at the drop of a hat

and i hate the way i look i actually had one cute hat and it blew off at the cbs parking lot

and this whole car full of black kids ran over it for no reason and they saw it they saw it

fuckers

For now.

I should have got a picture.

Fuck, I'm wearing the bot focals.

What are you talking about?

Hello?

Dwight?

Ken?

Nygma?

Are they not listening?

I disconnected the cable.

Oh my god, that's my fault.

I want that.

I disconnected the cable.

I swear to god.

Oh, shit.

We're back.

Hey, welcome back.

Sorry.

My bad.

It's alright.

Okay.

Moving right along.

back to numbers ken said you were sending some new ones right

yeah i put them in the skype chat

tabachi also sent a number to that monetarily okay spy cooper sunglasses for 100 dollars

please leave your mess i'm trying again

I've been in it, my ride's just tinted

My knob's getting slobbed

Nope, ex

94 Ford Ranger for $3,200

We're sorry, the number ain't

Next we have a dishwasher

Yeah, these are for jobs that you're applying for

Oh, I was like, what's a handman?

Okay, so looking for a dishwasher or a handyman, I'm guessing

At a, not sure what kind of business this is

They didn't say

okay we'll find out together let's find out together what's up restaurant oh yeah dishwasher

i'm stupid breakers i'm speaking how can i help you hey how are you you got um you got a job for

trash uh handyman and stuff like that yeah we have it uh they put out an ad i think it was

yeah like that so what are you gonna tell me i should come in yeah yeah you just come in and

you can either if you have a resume you should bring a resume but if not we have applications

applications you can fill out what would i have a resume for the washing dishes i don't know like

if you've had other jobs well put that on the application yeah you can put that on the application

so what's the what's the resume for right you know what i mean yeah i don't know i mean when

i came in i brought in a resume oh yeah i think that's why they want it so they can see like your

other job what did your resume say what did it say that you worked at sexy places before no like

like where did you work at before like what do i worked out like i didn't work anywhere around

because i'm new so oh oh okay you're not kanaka right who who you're not kanaka no okay you know

what that is i don't know what that is oh it's a hawaiian dirty hawaiian person oh all right well

you could just come in okay are you gonna be there honey baby i might if i come in today maybe you can

fill in my application with your phone number you can just come in and talk to a manager oh

Oh, are you going to diss me like that?

Look, I wrote a song for you.

Yep.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

I'm an itch.

Ridiculous showtime, right?

I'm being ridiculous.

And now we move from, uh, who were we playing before?

Warren G to Dr. Dre.

Yeah.

So, do you want to talk to her, Dwight?

You want to talk to her, Dwight Machine?

Sure.

Fucker homie.

Breakers, Robin speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, you're doing that.

Yeah, you got a position for a handyman?

Do we have a position for a handyman?

Yeah, I saw it on the Craigslist.

Hold on a second.

Why are you speaking?

How may I help you?

How you doing there?

I saw an ad on the Craigslist.

You guys looking for a handyman?

Yeah.

I'm looking for the job.

I got years of experience doing the handy stuff.

Okay, so you need to come in tomorrow.

Okay.

If you have a resume, bring your resume.

Okay, my resume is my tools.

You want me to bring my tools?

I don't think they want you to bring your tools.

They just want you to come in because, you know, we're interviewing, so.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, I'll come down.

I will use the tools.

I'll just wear my tool belt and my vest, and then I unzip my penis to show you my cock.

Well, that ain't going to get you the freaking job, dude.

Bitch.

Hey, don't talk to me like that, bitch.

Bitch.

All right.

Good night.

I want the job.

Yeah, they're having trouble hearing you.

I'm going to unzip my penis.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I was going to say, you should have asked, like, what commission you get.

on the hand jobs, on the handies.

They'll get 30%

commission.

While I'm fixing the toilets and shit,

they come into the glory hole and I jerk

them off. Charging $20

extra. Let's say I'm charging $20

for that.

Do I keep $15?

Do I keep $10? You keep $5.

That's a bad deal, right?

Like, I'm

doing all the hands-on work. This is bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullfucking

shit, man.

well it seems like they're having a little trouble hearing us but if i turn you up so they hear you

it's over modulating oh enough i think i know where i might be able to adjust excellent

bring this down a little bit all right that might do it a little that might do it say something

dwight something yeah yeah yeah motherfucker yeah what's up nigga yeah yeah hell yeah

i honestly think it's uh their piece of shit phones over there might be yeah might be all

the volcanic ash yeah yeah um god damn it all right um we got a cashier island q hiring now

so they're hiring for a cashier at the island q yeah it's a uh pool pool hall yeah oh hence the

Q. There you go. Very good, Dwight.

You're smart. I went to the

variety for six years.

For a two-year degree.

The varieties are fucking wild.

Did the Eagles beat the Cowboys?

No, I think they were

down by a touchdown last I saw.

Oh. Eagles.

E-A-G-L-E-S.

Fucking Eagle fans.

Fuck them all. Even my father-in-law.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

My brother-in-law and my father-in-law

is a giant Dallas fan.

And my father-in-law is an Eagles fan

And I'm a Giants fan

Hang on, I'm going to check Fantasy Football

Because I'm pretty sure I lost

Dude, I got two injuries within an hour this morning

Luckily I was around

But one of my good wide receivers

In my tight end

Both got injured

Or got pulled out of their games

I'm like, fuck

I had Frank Gorgo down

They were like, oh, he had 11 rushes for 28 yards

And a touchdown

Out for the game with concussion

I'm like, son of a bitch.

God damn it.

You hate that shit.

All right, let's see how the mouth did.

I got to expand this.

132 to 166.

Yep, I lost.

I'm done.

I haven't even checked.

My season is over.

The Lions did win today, though.

Good for them.

Barely.

Fucking 16 to 14.

I don't want to see the NFL.

If they win next week, they clinch a playoff spot.

Cardinals beat St. Louis 12 to 6.

the Dolphins lost to the

Patriots 41-13

whoa

did you see Johnny Manziel fucking suck it up today

did he play finally a little bit

yeah he started today

oh he started

yeah he had a QBR rating of 1

yeah he got a chance man

he only completed like 10

passes

for like 50 yards

well I mean come on give him a break

two interceptions

give him a break

it was funny because every time they sacked him they kept doing the money sign in his face

panthers beat tampa bay by 2 1917 giants won good they beat the redskins 24 13

uh still don't see that eagles falcons are the falcons man falcons laws oh shit also the

and yeah dallas won 38 27 over the eagles wow okay sorry now i'm sure the chat room is just

flood of a bullshit awkward awkward this is my tight end is injured yep what happened did we

call the island q what happened with that we tried nobody answered

Oh, get the chronic.

The Remy Martin and the Soda Pop.

Alright, moving along.

Okay, John.

John at part-time security.

This is for us applying to do part-time security.

Oh yeah, there you go.

I wonder if my criminal record

will stop me from doing that.

You're supposed to get a license for this.

It's really easy to get the

Class A one. The one without a gun is super easy.

My dad had them. He was fucking half-blind

and couldn't do shit.

Shut up.

Sounds like shit.

All right, next.

He wants to do chainsaw and landscaping for me.

All right.

Germer.

he wants to landscape your shit i just looked i just looked at the ad and he's like setting

shit on fire there's like a whole wooded area on fire i wonder if he did that he's also a pyro

i just want a lot of shit true motherfucker starting to set shit off father if you piss

him off i'll let your house on fire hello yeah hey is that germ yeah you do landscaping and

uh manscaping yeah manscaping and what else is it what do you do do you do lawn

Chainsaw work.

Like that, yeah.

I saw on some of these pictures, there's a lot of fire.

Do you have a problem with that?

Like, do you like fire?

Does it make you happy?

No, because I had to pay $25 for the ad, so I thought I'd make use of it and show my firefighting experience.

Yeah, but I'm not looking for a firefighter, son.

Oh, yeah?

There's some fires going on around here?

I'm not looking for one.

I haven't smelled any.

I'm not looking for one.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I just do landscape work.

Some chainsaw work, non-technical.

And what kind of firefighting did you do?

Wildland firefighting for the Forest Service.

Did you massage the other guys, the men, to calm them down?

No.

You never did that part?

I'm not into that.

No.

Okay.

Not my thing.

Did you go to the gym at all with them?

No.

No?

Okay.

That's good.

What can I help you with?

Do you have a landscaping job?

Yeah, I have a roof that needs to be chainsawed, and we need the carpet to be mowed twice a

month.

Well, I don't think I'm the right guy for you, but good luck finding that.

are you stupid all right have a good day are you stupid is that why yay this is stupid yeah

just because you paid for the ad doesn't mean you need to like sit there and put all the like

fire pictures up okay look what i did what was the fire fire pressure ponder i did a big long

hey there's the man right there we're about to call that taxi available to run

get you a job for the taxi milkman you can move out of where you are now

Well, here we go.

Taxi in Honolulu.

That'd be a nice place to be.

I'll meet fucking Kanakas.

Kanakas.

Hello, John.

Yeah, break them off, something.

I'm looking here.

You got an ad for taxi driving, guys?

Yes.

Yeah?

Do they need to be good-looking Kanakas only, or what?

Hello?

They definitely know what that word means.

if they're kanaka they know what it means if they're white they just came recently like that

one girl was like yeah that's the kanaka it's been in all ratios yeah all right it's all right

you reached john of johnny cab from media don't wait johnny cab wasn't that the name of the cab

company in total recall i don't know what about johnny yeah you've reached johnny cab you get

johnny cakes with your oh yeah from the sopranos johnny cakes all right for dishwasher and prep

PrepCook, here's a different one, right?

Did it go back?

No, that's good.

We're calling Kitten Kitchen Toasties.

We will open at 5 p.m. today.

All right.

I understand.

I've reached the end of the numbers.

Wow.

Oh, fuck.

Wow, I've run through them all.

Let me call.

Don't worry about it, because I'm getting tired.

I'm only going to do a few more minutes.

Oh, okay.

Let me see what Tabachi had sent.

Let's see if it's still doable here.

Small unfurnished room for gay male.

Okay.

Okay. Tavachi called earlier with the name Robert. Claimed he was a 5'6", 120-pound gay male.

Guy seemed really interested and happy. Perhaps he can call as my boyfriend. He has a second room

for rent. Okay. Hey, buddy. How you doing? You have a room for rent, is it? You have a room for rent?

I do. Okay. Yeah. You know, Robert, he called before. He said he's interested in staying there.

uh he said you might have another room is that right yeah okay uh i i'm friends with robert and

he called you earlier interested he's like five foot six guy i don't know if he's that the guy

who called with the phone number from bakersfield california maybe i don't know he's from out of

town i know he's from out of town okay can i help you yeah well i'm just interested i'm interested

I'm interested in maybe staying there.

I wanted to know, like, what kind of rules do you have?

Like, is this a shared bathroom, or how does that work?

Well, yeah, well, there's one for a moment.

Okay.

The furnished room has a size bed, and it, you know, you can walk from the,

there's a door between the bedroom and the bathroom.

That's what I'm trying to say.

But I knew what I meant.

Okay.

The other room doesn't have any furniture in it at all.

although you guys i like to look some early this coming week you know whenever you're free okay um

are there rules about like coming in at certain times and i because i like sometimes i have to

go out you know i go out hunting i like bears i go out to this bear club

are you a bear am i a bear no no no no i'm a total twink i'm a total twink i'm a total twink

Well, you know, I'm pushing 55, and I stand 5'6", and we're all about 130 points.

Oh, gross.

Okay.

130.6?

Yes, 130.

I got on the doctor's scale, so I said 130 points.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Did you take a shit before that?

Because that helps out.

No, well, actually, I think the six sneakers.

Oh, you know, you've got to take your shoes off.

I take everything off at the doctor, yeah.

Yeah, when you're in the doctor's office, it can really help you do that.

Oh, shut the fuck up, yeah.

It's like, no.

This is a little pissy.

Okay, yeah, listen, I have this thing, though, like when I'm orgasming, I like to yell.

It makes it more intense.

I scream really loud.

Would there be rules about what times I can masturbate or have sex with men?

Well, I work from 8.30 to 5 Monday through Friday, so I try to get...

Oh, yeah.

I currently have a roommate without...

Oh, why?

Because he has a tendency...

First of all, he's obnoxious.

Is he black?

Is he a disgusting, greasy black man?

No, no, no.

Okay.

But he has a tendency to have...

You know, tonight I think we're on man number three.

Yeah.

Oh, he's a whore.

Yeah, it's now 1224.

I have to be up at 530 in the morning.

Is he fucking right now?

Is he fucking?

I have no idea.

I guess this chick hasn't gotten here yet.

Chick?

Oh, I thought you said chick.

I thought you said it was a guy.

Listen, I don't want to make small talk with you or anything like that.

I don't want you to get too familiar with me, you know?

I wasn't planning on it.

Okay.

So you're trying to get rid of him, and is that going to be my room then?

Is that how it works, motherfucker?

Excuse me?

Is that how it works, motherfucker?

Are you going to get rid of him, and then that'll be the room that's available?

Actually, he wants to move out anyway.

Okay.

But are you going to tell him to get the fuck out like that

and throw his laundry in the front of the driveway and shit?

No.

Okay.

Okay, do you have underwear parties there?

Do you like those?

I've never had one.

That's where you're dressing your underwear and you walk around and you're like,

I'm the queen.

Yeah.

No?

Okay.

All right, asshole motherfucker, you fucking asshole.

Me and my roommate will kick him out.

Me and your roommate will kick you out, I should say, if you're not careful.

Like, I already have an alliance with Robert,

and then I'll get an alliance with the old roommate there,

and we'll take over and we'll kick you out.

Well, yeah, because we're going to create an alliance.

we'll vote you know we'll have our vote and it'll be three versus one and you won't have an immunity

idol and you'll have to go uh dude i have a deed to the house i own it it doesn't matter three to

one three to one vote motherfucker you may want to hang up no you hang up the phone you bitch

stupid bitch hang up the phone stupid bitch we're kicking you out of the house motherfucker

it turned into an episode of survivor there all right do you have underwear parties there

was funny that's when you wear the underwear i'm the queen i'm the queen i'm crashing man

that's why i'm talking all slurred i'm good show man thanks for having me on yay thanks for being

on what else what else yeah other than that i think i'm done do i have any more numbers okay

then i'm gonna go uh g thanks bye dwight ken and enigma see you guys thanks for having me on

motherfucker bye bye bye hey milkman you here can you say goodbye are you in the car you're a

customer oh bye milkman i miss you i'll talk to you later bye milkman yay so that was uh about

two hours and 50 minutes worth of show not including breaks not bad to be exact two hours

52 minutes, 10 seconds and

countering since we launched.

Okay. Well, dude,

I didn't even drop any plugs.

Oh my god. Be sure to

donate and support PCN.

Get some free loot when you do it.

That's patreon.com

slash prank call

nation. Also, be sure

to subscribe if you haven't

yet to the

PCN podcast on

iTunes. In the podcast

section, do a quick search for

prank call nation you'll find it be sure to subscribe and also uh leave a message in a

rating give a review and a rating and appreciate that help us get more exposure on there and if

you go to prank call nation.com there's a whole list uh there's a section a podcast section and

it has different links you can have a feed just for for example dwight shows or just for

For Baz shows.

Baz.

Yeah.

Or for all of them together.

There's a whole bunch of different options there.

So over at prankcallnation.com, go ahead and take a look at that podcast section.

Let me know if that shit's working or not.

And yes, I am done.

Thank you everyone who listened tonight and who contributed with numbers.

Tabachi and Dwight.

If anybody else sent any, I didn't seem to get them.

I apologize.

My fault.

Okay.

Good night.

Y'all have a good week there, boys.

I'll see you next week at the same time, 10 p.m. Eastern or earlier.

Our next show will be Tuesday with Dwight.

I'm up right now with Dwight, Tuesday night.

See ya.

Calls (22, 1 h 35 min of 2 h 16 min)

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