Shut Up Devil!

you little monkey you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast good evening my fellow citizens

this government as promised has maintained the closest surveillance of the soviet military

build-up on the island of cuba within the past week unmistakable evidence has established the

fact that a series of offensive missile sites is now in preparation on that imprisoned island

The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere.

Only last Thursday, as evidence of this rapid offensive build-up was already in my hand,

Soviet Foreign Minister Gromyko told me in my office that he was instructed to make it clear once again,

as he said his government had already done, that Soviet assistance to Cuba, and I quote,

pursued solely the purpose of contributing to the defense capabilities of Cuba, unquote.

quote, that, and I quote him, training by Soviet specialists of Cuban nationals in handling

defensive armaments was by no means offensive, and that if it were otherwise, Mr. Gromyko

went on, the Soviet government would never become involved in rendering such assistance,

unquote.

That statement also was false.

Acting therefore in the defense of our own security and of the entire Western Hemisphere

and under the authority entrusted to me by the Constitution,

as endorsed by the resolution of the Congress,

I have directed that the following initial steps be taken immediately.

To halt this offensive build-up,

a strict quarantine on all offensive military equipment

under shipment to Cuba is being initiated.

All ships of any kind bound for Cuba,

from whatever nation or port,

will, if found to contain cargoes of offensive weapons, be turned back.

It shall be the policy of this nation to regard any nuclear missile launched from Cuba against any nation in the Western Hemisphere as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States, requiring a full retaliatory response upon the Soviet Union.

I call upon Chairman Khrushchev to halt and eliminate this clandestine, reckless, and provocative threat to world peace and to stable relations between our two nations.

I call upon him further to abandon this course of world domination and to join in a historic effort to end the perilous arms race and to transform the history of man.

Our goal is not the victory of might, but the vindication of right.

Not peace at the expense of freedom, but both peace and freedom here in this hemisphere.

And we hope around the world, God willing, that goal will be achieved.

About what's going on in there?

A lot of bullshit talk, I know that much.

This isn't bullshit, my friend.

Do you know something?

Don't listen.

what do you know maybe i do and maybe i don't what i say is they got no business negotiating

we're gonna be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do

it now we do it later later in abuse am i right out wait wait wait wait a minute frank angry guys

and they're black muslims panthers young lords besides you average anti-social we gotta go in

right clean your clock gentlemen

gentlemen it's time milkman ha ha ha yes i do okay audio test welcome back my brother man so good to

hear your melodious tones and i know you got something great in store for us tonight my

brother man tell us what is going to happen tonight shove it up your ass milkman yeah you

have is this brenda with the computer tower for sale with mouse and keyboard yes how tall does

does the tower go how tall um it's just a computer tower machine okay how big do you think it is like

maybe one foot wide maybe like two feet tall i don't know it's just a regular uh e-machine okay

and it's it's a computer and it's for sale yeah i understand it's a good condition is that what

you were gonna say yes yeah you already put that in the goddamn ad listen i wanna can i come by and

see it maybe tomorrow i wanted to shove it up far up your ass excuse me i wanted to come check it

out tomorrow could i do that oh i did yeah i couldn't hear what you were saying i wanted to

come check it out tomorrow shove it right up for your fucking ass see how it turns you know make

sure it powers up and everything the keyboard's in good condition call you back in the morning

okay because i'm in bed oh were you shoving something up your ass was she i think i think

She was touching her cooter.

Yeah, put it up your ass.

The computer, put it up your ass.

See if it works.

Shut up, devil, in the name of Jesus.

Shut up, Satan.

Shut up, Satan, in the name of Jesus.

Stop it.

White devil.

I'm the white devil.

I couldn't get to it in time, Milkman.

I didn't have it on the right setting.

I know, dude.

I was hoping you would, but she nailed you.

I made a decision to keep it all the time on Echo and go to white devil.

I should do it the other way.

Oh, it's a white devil.

White devil.

did she knew what she knew what's the devil

say leave a message i'm the devil and i want you to put it up your ass oh yeah put it up your ass

yeah music's scary like that right it's like that song was tripping man it sounded like like

some serious acid or something oh god could you slow jesus stop calling me a devil in the name

Jesus. Whatever she said.

She said a lot of things.

She called the curse

on us, man. Shit, damn it.

Billy Goat, three years old.

We still have Debra Mansfield's number.

She changed it and we don't

get the new one then, but she knows

the person you were getting it from, she knows

who it was, so she's not going to give it to us anymore,

man. She's not going to get it anymore.

You know what I mean?

The person that got the number...

Debra knows who was feeding

feeding you her number every time she changed it because she called her out by name and said she

was a this this that white trash motherfucking this this that nothing to worry about now because

all that's gone she's not even around there no more yes you have goat okay it's nice goat three

years old nice and sexy nice and sexy you know like you know well-kept goat healthy what's that

got to do with being sick oh i mean that's what we call it where i'm from like when the when a cow

or a horse is, you know, doing good because, you know, he's sexy.

That's just a saying from where I'm from.

I'm from Central.

It doesn't matter.

Okay.

The goat's okay?

He's all right?

Yeah, I just bought him to breed some nannies I had,

and then I found another one that I've been looking for.

Okay.

All right.

Did you get to breed him at all?

Does he know what to do and all that?

Oh, yeah, he knows what to do.

Okay.

Yeah, he bred some of them.

I didn't want him to breed.

but yeah you know anyway that's oh is he dumb or something like is he does he got a problem

that you know you didn't want to breed him he fucked everything he fucked everything he's just

he's just a goat he fucks everything what do you you know i do have your number on my phone

here don't you yeah well i'm calling you i don't have any reason to hide myself from me i'm just

trying to see about buying the billy goat i'm new in in this area you know i'm from just outside

side of buffalo i got i had a farm out there but i had a divorce lost everything lost everything

except for a few thousand i bought some land out here just been out here from the city for a little

while i really like it you people are nice nice people here yeah yeah okay um what would you need

to know there okay great well yeah so he's got his sexual organs are okay everything's developed

okay if you want to go sit in your coffin about shit i don't know what your problem is but well

Well, I'm trying to breed him because I need to make sure.

So you said he is breeding.

His sexual organs are working okay.

He's ejaculating and everything.

He knows how to mate.

I think he went to go check, Armando.

I think he went to go check.

So sexy.

Hello?

Yeah.

How big are the billy goat's sexual organs?

You know, buddy.

Because I like to look at them when they're mating.

Bring your ass over here, and I'll let you suck on them, look at them, or whatever you want to do with them.

No, I just like to watch them mate.

masturbate to that, but I don't actually touch

them, you know.

Well, I guess, I tell you what,

I've got a friend of mine

down here that's a sheriff.

And I will take this number

to him and I'll...

Does he like to watch mating

goats also? And animals?

That's perfect. I don't know. Do you like him to

fuck you up the ass or what? No, no.

I don't touch him. That's bestiality.

No, I just like watching

animals mate, you stupid

Stupid motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Fucking asshole.

Why?

I got a friend.

Everyone's got a friend.

You seem to be unfriendly about the go-to counter there.

Everybody, either they've got a friend who's a sheriff or they are a sheriff.

And it's actually sheriff deputy.

There's only one sheriff in the county or parish.

I hate it when it's a sheriff.

It seems like he was implying that his friend is also into the same thing.

You know, you wouldn't go around calling every Jedi, Jedi Master.

He wouldn't say master, the master, the master.

Because there's knights and there's masters.

Stupid, man.

It's the same thing.

I'm sure that went right over your head, Milkman, what I said.

I know you're much more adept at it.

I've watched the original one and a couple of the movies, maybe part of the way through.

But never have I seen every one of them in order and all the way through.

I used to do that every holiday.

Every Christmas time I used to do that.

I used to watch them sometime around now or before Christmas Eve.

I would watch all of them one night.

Yeah?

I got tired.

You can only watch some shit so much, man.

I actually did watch it.

I watched the first one a few weeks ago, maybe just out of the hell.

I'm going to stop talking and do a prank call.

What do you got there, Tic Tacs?

What kind?

Actually, that was my medication.

I had to move it out of the way.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, don't mix those up, man.

they all come in white now it's really hard to in case you mix them up you gotta really look on

there i think i take anti-hypertense i got high blood pressure so i make sure i take them when i

stroke that's a reminder always check your blood pressure folks thanks hello hey how you doing you

got you got a aluminum bed rails for a short bed pickup truck motherfucker uh yes sir yeah uh you

gotta text you want him to sleep right now but uh i know exactly what he wants what kind of what

What kind do you have?

Oh, I got, yeah, they're a 17-inch.

They're polished, and they're not aftermarket.

They're straight up from Ford.

Are they like the Poplins?

Yes.

Yeah, he don't want the Poplins.

He wants the actual rails.

I got those.

I got those, too.

I got a whole bunch of them here.

I used to have a business machine.

You used to have a business?

Machine.

A machine business machine.

It was a business machine.

You know a business machine?

I had a business machine, stupid asshole.

So, yeah, were you interested in just one of them, right?

I need him for both sides of the bed.

Yeah, fuck you.

Okay.

Yeah, so they're going like, I can get to you for 50.

I'm just trying to get rid of him.

Yeah, I'm just going to curse tonight, maybe.

I'm just trying to sneak in curses.

We seem to have lost him.

I think I'm going to try to sneak in a lot of curses tonight.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, just do them a little bit at a time, you know,

and then see if you can increase the sentence length, you know.

before you got old speech, you know?

Because you did a good recovery.

That old lady, she thought she heard it,

but she didn't catch it, you know?

Real.

Long-time comic book collector

wants to buy a comic book collection.

Yeah.

X-Men, Batmans, Amazing Spider-Mans,

Iron Mans, Green Lantern Mans,

Hulk-Mans, Flash-Man, Four-Man,

Justice League of Men, Captain America-Man.

Yeah, okay, he's looking for all those.

Are you looking for some comic book,

you big fat fuck?

is charles there uh he's in bed yeah he told me to call now i don't understand he said he wanted

some comic books you need to tell him or i'm gonna shred him i'll be glad to have him give you a call

but like i said he's in bed wait listen if he doesn't get me on the line with me now i'm gonna

shred all of these comic books that i just stole that he told me to steal and then i'm gonna go

ahead and all the ones that he gave me come on come on what is wrong with people why so much crime

time hello motherfucker let's put it on the phone motherfucker do not call back put them on the

phone i don't need to talk to you woman do not come back you went too impressed pa do not call

back hang up the phone motherfucker that's number three right there that's number three all right

i'll stop it was fun that's i burned those three real quick i was like fuck you yeah three i know

man that's why i try and get you to like hold back and just like stretch a little bit and do

You work your magic, baby, because then we shoot our load and the whale's pissed in.

I was hoping she'd wake him up.

Somebody picked up the phone, because I thought she hung up, but it sounded like a second

line picked up first and then hung up.

Soon it'd be just the way that she did the phone picking up and all that, you know?

All right.

I'm calling the Billy Goat guy back.

Pick up, motherfucker.

Back no more, no more.

Looking for used kitchen cabinets.

Yeah.

Josh?

Jersh?

chainsaw milkman it's like new they always say that they always say like new and you run it for

a little bit and you find out all they did was clean it up find out if it's got if that's got

the meat cutting attachment added to it in the kit that's what they use a lot of those warehouses

man yeah yeah they put vegetable oil in so i'll have chickens up really good man i'd love to be

like i like to be in a small room with like like 20 chickens and all like

and i'd have a chainsaw and be like ah motherfucker like in zelda when you can pick up the chickens

and throw them i loved it i love abusing them fucking chickens then when i got skyrim i had

no idea i saw chickens in a town this one game called skyrim milkman you don't know what that

is but anyway i went to a town i said oh chickens let me beat it up i hit it and then a bunch of

people started chasing me and i became wanted and i ran into the woods i had just first started

to playing the game was my first time right after the first little tutorial act some was my chicken

and like the next thing i know was fighting all these people from around the town and i killed a

lot of them and shit coming from everywhere i ran into the mountains and like this big bear killed

me or something or a wolf i think it was a wolf a wolf as the brothers say this is all with a

chainsaw massacre i didn't have a chainsaw no i think i was using a sword it was like a broad

or something i don't know oh god loves elder dude that was some fun shit yeah yeah did you ever want

to on the nes did you ever want to fuck the fairy that healed you i did i wanted i'll pixelate like

that fucker shut up when that was coming out dude i was already getting close to my 16s so yeah you

really would fucker you probably masturbated while you played the game your time i was actually

forwarded to an automatic voicemail you weren't no you weren't no you weren't no one believes that

No one believes that you,

you lost,

when did you,

when did you lose your first girlfriend?

Oh,

okay.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

She go to the other high school,

so no one ever really knew her.

It wasn't that.

So,

so in her high school knew who I was.

Did you even have pubic hair at 16?

I would literally go sit in classes with her.

You didn't even have pubic hair at 16.

Your call has been forwarded to an auto.

Yeah,

it was so cool back then.

Like I would speak in and I would sit in class with these girls,

man.

And the back of the class teacher, like, didn't even notice, you know.

Everyone, I mean, just to be here.

It's forwarded to an audible.

Try it again.

This is, if you're wondering, Milkman, it's someone looking for a place to rent.

Okay.

A real good racist joke for her.

Don't see what you're calling.

Hey, before we end tonight, before, like, you know, we're all done, would you, like, get up with me?

I needed to talk to you about something.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah, just in the end, I mean, after the show, it's like a couple of minutes.

Okay, well, here's what my idea was for that call was, you know, I have an apartment that they could rent, you know, a nice, really good place.

But I noticed on her ad, it says Amanda and Lonzo.

Talk to me.

Amanda and Lonzo.

So I guess her man's name is Lonzo, L-O-N-Z-O.

And I'm just going to guess that that's a, I was going to ask, is that a black man?

And if she said it was a black man, I was going to say, oh, I'm sorry.

sorry take because they'll name lonzo right l-o-n-z-o i don't think any you know any white

person well you know it's a spanish name too it's a spanish name but well whatever how was it spelled

if it was uh z z yeah i don't know it's not it's not alonzo that's in spanish that was my neighbor's

the name of my grandma's neighbor in puerto rico was alonzo he was the one that gave me that one

One horse, Arturo, that bit people and got loose one day.

Okay.

It was running around the street like a wild horse.

I remember that was a Puerto Rican name, or at least a Spanish name on the island.

What?

Spanish?

Yeah, yeah, Alonzo, I guess it is.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

You know how it is.

There's some black people named Carlos, because I think it's a cool name.

There's a black guy that plays basketball here.

His name is Kobe.

Like the meat.

The thing is, dude, we're all part black, dude.

And even in the Caribbean, man, there's lots of people that have black people in their

family.

It's nothing new, man.

It's always been that way.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Oh, it's cool, dude.

It's cool, man.

I love it, man.

It makes you look cool.

I was sure what my Caribbean dad looked like, but I don't know.

Because he was Amish Caribbean.

You don't meet too many Amish Caribbeaners.

Someone's got a real good TV that works good and wants to give it away.

Probably gone by now.

Here's a shortened version of Hanzo Italian.

italian so hot man cooked right too because they're all latin languages so

what's it short for an italian lanzarelli that's a cool last name for a prank call

lanzarelli to an ottoman arthur lons arty anthony lanzarelli there we go i just came up with a new

prank call name i'll probably forget it before i get a chance to use it hey touch okay i've become

come too late to call these people old antique fireplace mantel solid wood i'm gonna make a box

go to hell man that's expensive get you on fire that's the point if it's real wood

your call

has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

shit in the air hey how you doing honey who's this i was calling about the ad you put in

the machine what kind of what kind of ad antique fireplace mantle solid wood

yeah i wanted to ask is there a man i can ask about that is this a job no i'm interested

interested you're interested in the mantle yeah but is there a man i could ask questions about it

because uh you know you're a woman i don't mean to sound rude seriously why would she be still on

the mantle she doesn't even know that it's attached to the house probably she's like

look man i think your video's on turn your video off you know fuck your shit up that wasn't me

dude that was actually interface flipping i'm sorry mike yeah hi i was calling about this mantle there

was a woman that called i answered earlier i think she doesn't know how to use the phone

because of the woman thing and she maybe she doesn't know how to use machines too uh what

how's the fireplace you ever use that motherfucker or never was it never used or anything i ain't

got no fireplace well the mantle the mantle itself yeah yeah did you use it it looks good

we just had it for looks you got it for looks and shit you didn't have a fire going on under

that motherfucker anywhere because that fucks up the wood from the bottom you know you got to look

out for that shit yeah yeah maybe you need to call and cuss somebody else i don't want to hear

your mouth fuck you motherfucker i'm gonna put a box to go to hell with that thing i'm i'm a

satan worshiper i'm gonna take a box to hell that's good that's good so i wanted to use that

for the wood like for the front of it so i can go straight yeah i'd be pretty with you in it

wasn't it oh yeah that's the plan yeah i want to go down there yeah see the dark lord oh yeah

Yeah, the dark lord.

Right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry?

That's what I should be doing, Randall.

I'm not just cursing.

I should be cursing, but like, you know, motherfucker.

Like that?

Like, oh, no, that's, I got this possession thing I'm still working out with.

You know, I got a Catholic priest working on it, but taking it to steps.

But he comes out every once in a while and says shit.

I like how he spazzed out there for a second and just flipped out and went devil and went right back to a normal human.

That was pretty good, man.

That's what I'm just talking about, that I should do that.

Hello?

I didn't hear it because it like

Dropped out on my end I apologize

Oh okay brown eggs

You like them brown eggs or those white eggs

Milkman

You know the same

Don't eat a black hen's eggs that's for sure

Okay thank you for that Mr.

Racist

Don't have a hen that won't cackle when she lays

Don't eat a black hen's egg

Hello you've reached the weavers

Please leave a message

The weavers

Okay we're done with those

You know, does this radio station know yet that I keep pranking the people that keep listing on their swap shop thing?

Because at this point, I pretty much call everyone who submits on that site.

I at least try to call them.

I would think by now they would have gotten back to their radio station.

There's one guy, they've probably figured it out.

There's one guy that keeps calling all our listeners.

But we'll keep it going.

We won't tell people not to put your phone number, just your email address.

They don't do nothing like that.

All right.

Let's call Loews.

Loews.

message okay thank you for calling lowe's the store is now closed we will open monday at 6 a.m

really i thought i had some time left at least i want to just call the same one over and over

again in hawaii just trying to change it up a little bit we called that guy in the walmart

he answered in the hardware department his lows i keep calling lows man i keep calling

All right, let me look for it.

Sorry, what?

Here's a piece of news.

The search for Deborah Mansfield is back on.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Good.

For directions.

You sure that's not the missing plane you're talking about?

Or to speak with the operator.

Information on deliveries transferring to flooring.

Please hold.

The floor is at go.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For information on deliveries transferring.

hardware and tools. Please hold.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

Is it going to block me?

Information on deliveries, press 1.

Transferring, please hold.

Try the main desk. Someone must answer there.

Hi, director, call. Hi, how are you?

I'm good, how are you? Do you have it?

Do you have it now? I called before

and I was, you were going to check.

Do you have it now?

I have what now, sir? I'm sorry.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I called and I talked to you, and you said, oh, I'm going to, you called me back, and before this time.

Your name?

Anthony.

Were you speaking to Anthony at all by chance?

Someone called and asked me.

What item were you trying to check on?

It was the main machine.

Main machine.

Do you know what associate Matt was speaking to you, possibly?

uh i think his name was kahiki kaniki

we actually don't have an associate by the holly keep holly keepy something like that

you know um people hold on one second uh hold on one second let me find out for you hold on

that was pp face hot to pp hot to pp that's what it was

Take that music, huh?

Okay, Han.

I'm trying to figure out where exactly you were who you were speaking to um what did you call what

you call me hon yeah sorry oh it's okay baby honey baby um so what I'm gonna what I'm trying

to do is I'm actually just trying to answer you to the right department yeah okay yeah sound good

yeah um I go down there I'm gonna hold your hand and kiss it what exactly was the item that they

They were supposed to be checking on for you.

The main machine, motherfucker.

It goes...

I think it's part number 7527...

Fucking shit.

One, two.

Seven...

I'm going to say seven, five.

Go ahead.

7526...

Motherfucker.

72.

Machine.

Okay, hold on one second.

You know how it goes.

Motherfucker.

Dude, awesome integration, man.

This is like Phil Henry.

is she not hearing the motherfucker she sounds like phil henry man it's perfect timing

i wish i could be like him phil henry it was scary dude because you did it so quick it was

out of time with your sentence like what i don't know is i'm not i don't know how phil henry got

that on the phone sound like he had a way of muting his his studio mic his radio mic

his phil henry mic and would and would instantly instantly switched over to like something that

it sounded like he was talking through a phone line and he always usually had

like a background.

Like you would hear like a bowling alley or a park or like,

you know,

or you would hear like a scene in the background.

Like he's got one for the studio when he's talking and then one,

he always use them when he's talking on the phone.

It sounded like he,

then we have a phone and he would just,

he had like,

maybe just talk.

Yeah.

It was,

I was always,

he says,

it's a shame he stopped doing that shit,

man.

That shit.

He did that every fucking night.

It's just a filter.

And it's just basically a filter.

It only passes the range of the human voice.

That's it.

That's what the phone would do.

That's why music is something shit.

You probably just had it filtered.

It sounded like a phone, right?

That's probably it.

That's really cool.

I'll bet you that's what it was.

I'll be darned.

He did a really good job.

Okay, what I'm going to do is get your number and then my cashier's...

I mean, not my cashier.

Ejaculation!

Okay, that sounds good.

My manager is going to actually call you back.

Okay, that sounds good.

good um what when do you think your phone number when do you think that the manager would uh call

back ejaculation in your eye would it be sometime tonight probably within the next maybe 10 5 10

okay all right the number is 332 okay 2014 yeah and your name uh labia anthony labia

I'll go ahead and give this to her, okay?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you give it to her.

Remember, start off with two and then add another finger each until you get to four.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, bye.

There you go.

Nice tip, huh?

Yeah.

The integration's good.

I think she actually halted for it.

She has to hear it.

She's just ignoring it.

Yeah.

Because when she came back, she waited when you started with that shit.

Fucking weird shit, man.

You think she's really going to give a note that says,

as Mr. Anthony Labia called

asking for the machine part.

Yeah, Tony Cunlips.

Tony Cunlips, yeah, right.

Someone has motherfucker in the middle of it.

She had a good job tonight.

She did a great job.

What was her name?

All right.

That was her name, Hattie Pee Pee.

Oh, thanks, Hattie Pee Pee.

Hattie Pee Pee, really nice.

Now we have Anthony Labia.

I already forgot the last name.

What was the last name I came up with?

Lonzo, Lonzaretti, right?

Anthony Lonzaretti, Tony Lonzaretti.

Lanzarelli, you said.

Lanzarelli.

Lanzarelli or ready?

Lanzarelli.

Maybe ready.

It was Lanzarelli.

I think you did say ready.

No, Lanzarelli, I think I said.

I thought it sounded like Fonzie.

It was close.

All right.

It's always glittering, dude.

It's hilarious, man.

I love you.

You're calling Hunter Street Center.

Hey, how you doing?

Shalom.

Hello.

Shalom to you, motherfucker.

I was calling from the Lowe's across the street.

My name is Anthony.

Uh-huh.

Okay, they just delivered.

a truck just came here with it looks like three crates of milk or cream or something here and

then they dropped off one two three six eight eight boxes of starbucks stuff like the stuff

you sell in the front there's sandwiches here and this is at lowe's yeah you need to come get

this shit out of here because you know i can't have this stuff around here you know i got shit

shit i gotta do when can you people be here to get this i can get up there as soon as i can i

don't know why it was delivered there and i apologize what's as soon as you can god damn

it because i'm going to start throwing this milk out the motherfucking store i'm going to give the

shit away i'm going to eat we're going to eat the sandwiches and give away the milk and throw out

what we don't we're going to start taking the shit all over the place it's just what was your

name again it's mugs in this mugs in here cds or something what is this shit what was your name

I'm sorry.

I got a bunch of cups.

My name is Lonzarelli.

Anthony Lonzarelli.

Okay.

Yeah, I need you here, like, how long do you need?

Like, 30, 20 minutes?

You better get down here, damn it.

Okay, I'll get there as soon as I can.

Thank you.

When is as soon as you can?

You got 30 minutes before I start breaking this shit.

I'm going to start.

Okay, you got it.

Thank you.

All right, fucker.

I think she's calling back the real story to confirm.

Dude, you're definitely getting an irate manager, man.

That's a good one, man.

She's kind of like a pissed off manager.

Shit, damn.

I don't even know what I have my color ID set to.

I'm a dick.

Let me change that.

Let me know so I'm pegging this on.

What a dick I am.

Yeah, I like the tune, man.

I was riding around on the rascal scooter here.

Did a couple burnouts.

Started pushing the bootay.

It's not funny to keep making fun of rascal scooters.

People need to use them now, man.

It's not funny.

I'm not making fun of them, dude.

They're a lifesaver, man.

I mean, you know me.

What would I have done without my rascal scooter, dude?

I'm more than 87 years old this year.

It's never been funny, Milkman.

Never been funny.

I love my rascal scooter, dude.

Nine years of a joke that's never been funny, everybody.

Milkman, let's hear it for him.

Yay!

I love the rascal scooter, man.

There's nothing wrong with the rascal scooter, dude.

Come on.

I love you, man.

I'm just messing with you.

It's mobile.

I'm just, you know, I'm just muscling your hair a little bit, giving you a little noogie

over the head.

That's all.

Oh, it's all right, man.

Man, no one can piss on a rascal's scooter and cause it to rust if it'll always remain.

Just slapping you in the chest a little bit, you know, bro to bro, you know, pulling your pants down, putting your ass a little bit.

All right, man.

Shit.

Pull your pants down, put it in your ass a little bit.

Yeah.

Just, you know, for a joke.

Just like a joke.

You know?

That's right.

Pull your pants out from behind in front of, like, guests and stuff.

It's funny.

Panting, everybody.

Panting.

What is that song that you were playing before?

Was it just, like, off your little playlist?

list yes it's uh fire by rjd2 rjd2 fire fire for those about to rock fire thank you for calling

walmart thank you for calling walmart and save money yeah kakiki okay hold on okay what the

fuck is kakiki what does she think that is that i have to hold on oh jesus what am i getting myself

off into probably food maybe food but i just called and say sweet bread okay one minute

oh please i gotta hear someone pick up here to get to get this mystery

solved i don't think we got transferred to kitchen i think they're transferring directly

to the line they're transferring us directly to the product it's the hakiki yeah i think

there's a little phone over where the cans of kakiki are in the hawaiian

barcode right above it you know thank you for calling walmart that's the kakiki hotline there

so i might pick up like yeah yeah we got kakiki not pick up when ringing

well what uh i need kakiki sir what is that sir you were transferring me where were you

transferring me to no i transfer you to the court you see but nobody answer no i said kakiki and

sorry i don't know what is that uh are you kanaka maybe that's why okay hold on huh okay

okay hello yeah who's this hello it's a walmart oh yeah because i was talking to a kanaka you know

i don't like that hello yeah i was talking to a kanaka but i don't like that how you doing honey

baby don't hang up hello i credit you this can help you yeah say something to me don't just pass

the phone around like a whore she didn't help you yeah i need kakiki i'm sorry kakiki kakiki

You want something from the Kiki department?

Ka-Kiki. Ka-Kiki.

Who are you asking for?

Ka-Kiki.

We don't have nobody by that name.

I mean, you have a lot of people there. No Ka-Kiki?

No.

But it's not a person.

What are you looking for?

I need one space of Ka-Kiki.

Try that one more time. What are you looking for?

One spaces of Ka-Kiki.

What is that?

It makes the machine go.

Yeah, what is that?

it makes the machine go yeah what is it it goes in the machine and it goes you put it what is it

is it oil gas water batteries kikiki kikiki what is it it's a component kikiki for what for spaces

on the machine what kind of spaces the machine space what kind of machine machine main machine

the main machine for hang on you want me to get the paper that'll be fine hang on almost there

All right, you ready?

Go ahead.

It says resist hip ER sit with elastic.

Sit on chair, loop elastic around thighs near the knees.

Keep ankles together, spread knees apart.

Return to start position and repeat.

Perform three sets of ten repetitions once a day.

Okay, what kind of item do you have?

I need the kakiki, and I have the machine.

No, what's the machine called?

Main machine.

The main machine?

Main. Main machine.

And you bought it from our store?

Excuse me, yeah, they told me I could call back any time for...

But you always had the kakiki there to put in the machine.

So what's the product that you have?

All right, let me show you.

How are you going to show me? You're on the phone.

I have a camera phone. Smart... All right, here.

You see right here, this diagram? That's the machine.

Sir, you're talking over the phone?

Yeah, but I'm showing it on the phone, on the lens, the camera.

I have it on speaker, and you can see it.

I mean, I'm seeing it coming through on the video on the phone.

Okay, can you call?

Huh?

What?

Hello?

Can I call Boo?

Call Boo, Milkman.

Call Boo.

Dude, he was trying hard, man.

He even wanted you to get the manual, dude.

I ran in physical therapy.

What was his name?

Ernie?

I don't know.

They can't all be Ernie, dude.

I don't know.

They all sound like Ernie.

That's the problem.

Kiki.

Amazing, man.

You always come up with something.

Come back that Lowe's, see if that lady got an answer.

What did I call Lowe's about?

The manager was going to check on what the fuck did I say?

I was calling about some kind of machine.

Could it come in?

What did I say to the chairman?

I forgot already.

What did I say to the Lowe's?

That's such bad short-term memory.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

And she was supposed to give him a note and call you back?

For information on delivery and transferring,

please hold what was the note i said i know i said my name was anthony yeah my director call

yeah this is mr labia did you find that anything from the manager and that shit

fuck i said milkman holy shit you just made it up on the spot make it up again that's the

problem i don't prep for this shit i make up shit on the spot and like within 15 minutes it's

fucking gone until i hear it again yeah just britney how many director call yeah i'm trying

I was calling about, my name is Al Labia, Anthony Labia, rather.

I didn't speak with you.

What's the problem?

Well, I just talked to the girl before, and she transferred me to you.

What's that about?

What do you do there, damn it?

I'm the front-end supervisor.

What is the problem?

Well, I left a message to get some information and have it returned back to me.

What is the information that you need?

I can't remember, to be honest with you, and I'm not joking around.

It's not a joke.

I really can't remember what it was.

I have something to do.

I was there before, and the guy said to call back, that he would have the machine ready for me now, and I'm calling back now.

I think that's how it started.

Yeah, I think so.

And you remember who you spoke to before?

The woman who answers the phone when you hit zero to get to the front desk, it was her.

She talked to me, and she went to find out, and then she said she was going to have a manager call me back, and the motherfucker never called me, you know?

Well...

It really kind of got me upset.

God damn it.

Because I was really, I really need to know, at least if you can get me through to the person in Tool World who can answer the fucking question.

Sir, I need you to stop using that language.

What?

First of all.

I'm not.

Second of all.

I can get the information for you.

Okay.

Vagina pussy.

Okay.

Please don't.

Vagina pussy.

Oh, man.

It's like Tourette's Syndrome gone wrong, man.

Tourette's got gone wrong.

Satanic Tourette's.

vagina pussy having a tourette's attack with the white devil there's all the best ones mixed in

shit.

Hello?

Hey, Mark Lowe's.

How can I help you?

Hey, boy.

How you doing there?

I'm doing good, boy.

boy how can i help you oh good hopefully you're not kanaka right what was that hopefully you're

not a kanaka kanaka you know you're not okay be more specific uh like a dirty person you know

there's a little different people what can i do for you sir um i called because i was returning

a call i got well i was there earlier in the man in tool world the tool department he said he was

going to get the machine for me by now he said to call back at about 30 minutes ago and i did

and there was a lady there who took

my information at the front

desk, you know?

Big fat pussy lips. And then

she said she was going to have a manager call me

back to let me know if they had

found that machine. Fucking shit.

And I never got a call back. What machine

are you looking for? The main machine.

Maybe a pussy penis dick cock.

Never got a call back on that.

Turn that fucking music off. Excuse me.

Whatever. Stupid.

I'm just breaking

a ukulele song there in the background.

what the fuck is wrong with this dude they were like getting in the native dancer don't know who

the back here man it's like some weird fucking uh holiday like christmas song shit whatever

caroling they just show up with lays and the ukulele and some drums and it's become evident

they're able to hear that voice i wonder what line that's coming from it must be coming from

the second line the the madhouse studio back line her her yeah you're getting phil henry on me man

this is funny throw him me all over your ass phil henry phil henry um can i i'm gonna take an early

break tonight sir because i have uh to pee and i'm hungry and there's make a machine there's cold

pizza over there waiting for me i think i'm gonna take a break early but we'll come back and we'll

do longer sorry to be early yeah i had arrows and i'd be joy already so go to her baby did you make

it yeah i made this wow all right okay hey when we come back big baz and dwight said they'd like

to join i think neon said that uh she would also like to join that would be cool uh dwight's got a

bunch of numbers as usual all right let me look and see what kind of numbers those are well the

the normal you know hotel check-ins stuff like that looks like a few facebooks where hey called

my new number my new number yo sometimes you get some funny shit out of that motherfucker

and we can call around you can send your requests in the irc to someone and i'm sure it'll filter

its way up to me oh we got some indian restaurants milkman yeah i know how much you like indian food

We got some bancho, cha-cha-chod, maruchod, ulu.

Yeah, we never.

Man, you're making me hungry.

No.

That's my favorite, dude.

I got the recipe for maruchod.

I'll be right back, Milkman, all right?

Thank you, motherfucker.

Listening to The Nation.

Frank Call Nation.

Right after this.

This radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

Be behind you.

Let a woman have fun.

See who you are.

Hey, everybody.

Carlito, I'm back.

This is Madhouse Radio Live.

I'm here joined with Milkman.

Yeah, Maristo.

Dwight McClanahan, Ken.

Oh, good evening, bitches.

Big Baby Baz.

Hey, hey, hey.

Big Neon.

Hello.

Yeah, thanks for calling, guys.

Thanks for joining.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, hey, let's continue on with some prank calls.

I'm going to Dwight numbers now.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

They're not going to answer it.

Don't say that.

Better set my transparency there and make it always on top so I don't lose it.

Okay, so what do we got here?

We got a hotel check-in from Big Scott at Best Western.

Yeah.

Is Best Western considered a shitty hotel?

It's probably middle of the road.

You're probably looking probably 50, 60 bucks a night.

Yeah, better than your Red Roof, I would say, right?

It's better than Hotel Six, better than that kind of shit.

The hotel reservation, press 1.

Is the quality in better?

For accounting, please press permit.

Best Western is big back east.

For the hotel's general manager, please press 4.

You may also remain on the line, and you will be transferred to the hotel's front desk.

Couldn't give me an option for that early on?

Please hold while I track that extension.

Oh, God, this connection sucks.

Not getting any better.

Best Western took over where Ramada Inns used to be.

Whenever you see Ramada's, must then turn to this.

Connection is shit.

We'll have to see.

I'm sorry, but that was not a valid entry.

Make me listen to the whole thing.

Fine, asshole.

Bitch.

extension good evening thanks for calling hey effeminate man how you doing good how are you

good i'm trying to see if i can get transferred to a guest there i have his name of course

scott uh last name is summer ton summer like the season ton like the ton and which is perfect

because he's a big fat fucker you know yeah he likes a lot of pancakes oh my god i hope you don't

have pancakes there for breakfast he'll eat them all i got waffles he'll eat them all don't you

You better say the machine's broken, motherfucker.

I don't have anybody with that last name Somerton in-house.

Maybe it's under his wife.

Never know what that last name.

You got any Scotts?

Any Scoots?

Scott?

I don't have Scott either.

Well, fuck you in the ass then.

Baz, you want to insult him at all?

Because you got to go soon.

Baz, you there?

Mm-hmm.

No, Baz.

Anyone else?

Dwight?

Neil?

No, hey, can I ask you a question before I let you go there, buddy?

Yeah.

How many fingers?

I'm sorry?

How many fingers can you put in your urethra?

How many?

You know what urethra is?

I don't have a clue.

How many fingers can you put in your dick hole?

All right, bye.

He's pissing me off with this connection.

It's a kind of whiskey, George Dickhole.

Dana, Daner.

Is my mic working?

Yes, you are.

Thank you.

Good to hear you.

Fazdy.

Faz, do you wear a tie to work?

No.

128.

This is Leah. How can I help you?

Yes, I need to be transferred to a guest.

Do you have the first and last name or the room number?

First and last name.

First name is Daner.

Last name is Baum, like a tree.

Like palm, like P-A-L-M?

No, B-A-U-M, like tree in German.

Oh.

Yeah, that's how it is.

I don't have that person at this hotel.

D-A-N-A, Daner?

With that last name, at least.

Well, look up Dana. Look up tree.

Tree. Look up tree, because it's German for tree.

Yeah. No, sorry. What's the first name?

Dana.

Okay, let me check that.

Nope, I don't have a Dana that's in-house either, sir.

And can the last one just check to see if it's under her husband's name?

His name is probably under Al or Albert.

Al.

Last name is Labia. L-A-B-I-A.

Damn it.

No, sir. Sorry about that.

You have no Labia there?

No.

Okay, that's unfortunate. So you don't have a Labia?

Not at this hotel, sir.

Do you know what labia is, though?

Someone's last name.

Can I make you a quick hold, sir?

It's the vaginal lips.

The vaginal lips.

You know?

Okay.

Majority.

There's two pairs on.

Two pairs.

Well, they're playing the police.

They're putting you through to security.

Hey, Baz, you should go to this place.

They're over at SeaTac Machine.

What is it?

What are they again?

Hampton Inn over by the SeaTac airport.

Yeah, that's probably where the hookers are.

Ew.

No, I think it's a nice one.

It says they have them in sweets.

If it has sweets, it's got to be good, right?

Yeah.

Let's force her to pick up again.

And she hung up.

She must be stuck on the labia.

You know what I mean?

Ha, ha, ha.

I made a pun there.

I didn't even think about that.

It's fine.

All right.

Someone has a new phone.

Love these.

This is...

Did you post these?

Post these in the Skype chat also, Dwight.

Make sure.

So if you guys...

Oh, you want all these numbers over there, too?

Yeah, I guess I just thought about that, yeah.

So everyone knows what we're calling.

Does anyone want this?

Jade Moinyong Olson?

No?

Oh, no.

I'm not giving you much.

Yeah, sure.

Jade Olson.

Hey, is this Jade?

Jade.

Who's this?

This is David.

How are you?

Calling to congratulate you on your new phone.

So maybe we can come over and party and we can look at each other.

I could examine your phone.

Wait, what?

I could examine your sexual organs.

Hee hee hee hee hee hee.

Thank you for the coffee.

Yeah, I've got some marijuana cigarettes.

I'll bring them over and we'll smoke them.

And I've got my buddies.

You're a fucking white boy and I'm not fucking stupid.

Yeah, you sound stupid.

Are you a stupid?

Oh, am I stupid?

No, you sound fucking stupid.

Yeah, are you one of those stupids?

You sound like one of them stupid.

One of them stupid.

Yeah, you tell me.

I'll have your number, bro.

Tell me.

Stop fucking calling.

Bye.

I'm going to call back a lot.

Brittany says you're a bitch.

You hear me, whore?

Hello.

Whore.

Yeah.

Hey, you say he's stupid and your middle name is Monion.

Monion?

Don't do it, Monion.

Yeah, I fucking talked to Brittany Castillo and she said that Jade's a fucking whore.

She fucks everybody.

Yeah, she said she's a bitch.

She said he's a bitch.

It sounds like your parents have Tourette's and in the middle of naming you, they were

like, Jade, Monion.

Maybe her mom was choking on a dick

Or taking a dump

She was choking on

That's such a slut name

Jade

It's a stripper's name

Click on the link at the bottom of our chat

With her picture

She's a tranny yo

Oh Jesus

Fucking white boy

Look all you guys out there

Who don't have kids

You can ask Baz who has girls

If you want your girl to turn out to be a slut

name her after a spice and i'm really hoping that you didn't do that i don't know your kids

cinnamon pepper pepper would work i'd be salt hot all right you horny head clappers put your

hands together for salt doesn't work water pills hello yeah hi this is salt yeah is this chris

it is i'm looking for some guinea pigs yes sir do you still have those little fucks i do uh

Uh, I've got a girl

supposed to be good on tomorrow afternoon.

I don't know actually.

She's going to put it up her pussy probably.

Yeah.

All right.

We'll pay you more.

Is she going to possibly take them both?

To put them in her pussy?

She wants both of them.

She's got two kids

and she wants one for each.

Oh, so are they both girls maybe

to put it up their pussy?

Is that what they're...

Yeah.

Okay, that's probably why.

Little fucking shits, right?

Fucking assholes.

Are you getting any more anytime soon?

Do you breed those little guinea pigs?

what an asshole i was gonna say ask him if he can split one you know they eat that shit in

south america that's why i want that andrew zimmern guy ate one he was like oh it's very

good very very gamey that's all he says about me very gamey tender no ah yeah i'm gonna put

someone else on the line about the guinea pigs how you doing i want them guinea pigs there buddy

you hear me you fucking asshole i'm from peru we eat them there listen

Listen, you didn't let me tell me what I wanted to do with him.

One more, one more.

You gotta get in quick, maybe we'll piss him off.

You gotta sneak in curse word too.

Hey, fucker, you there?

Listen, I wanna put some milk in the tip of my penis and I'm gonna-

I'll feed these little bastards.

You think about that, asshole.

Well, you're showing how smart you are.

You got your number on call right there.

I blocked my fucking number, you asshole.

I don't let Craigslist people or Facebook people see my shit.

You want to call us back or what?

you're not a man stupid not to block our number that would be stupid i got two pairs

don't do that all right we're sorry okay please don't get us in trouble don't tell

all right i'm telling you i'm gonna get into like selling tracing machines because apparently

everybody fucking has them and they're just buying the shit out of them oh my name

They work really well

I just hit my knee on the desk

Fucking desk

Oh god that hurts so much

Fucking desk

You remember what grandpa said don't ya

He always said he'll feel better when it quits hurting son

Oh thanks grandpa you asshole

You fucking molester

What the fuck are you

Alright look here's the next one

Adrian who says to all my peeps

My new number yo

Yo, all right.

You guys go ahead, because I'm nursing a knee right now.

I'll be right back.

Oh, fuck it.

Do it.

Figure it out.

He tries.

I don't care who does it.

Who is this?

Adrian.

Hello?

Yo, hey.

This is fucking Adrian.

Yeah, who's this?

Yo, what the fuck is your problem there, man?

Who is this?

Listen, don't you be talking to Erica no fucking more.

You understand me?

I'm with Erica, motherfucker.

Gotcha.

So you stay the fuck away, or I'm going to poop on your car.

yeah and can i say something to him yeah your message says to all my peeps my no number i

don't appreciate that i'm not one of your peeps so don't be sending me these damn messages

he told that guy kevin fucking kevin cornwall i'm gonna finger his butthole

uh-huh uh-huh well you thought it

hey you know what next time you take pictures you tell you tell your daughter you tell your

daughter you to quit sticking her tongue out or somebody's gonna slap her you know i'm saying hey

wake up welfare mentally mentally challenged there are you coming sir

that's your answer say some shit about their kids they usually flip out but no nothing

Why did that guy put peeps?

All my peeps.

I don't know.

He's about 80.

Because he's black.

I'm sorry.

But the person you call...

Mainstream rap song one day.

That's what the kids say.

Peeps, right?

Oh, cool.

All right.

Free dog baby on the way.

What?

A free dog baby.

Yeah, that's a dog baby.

Looks like they've hybridized.

The dog got fucked.

They finally made it a dog-human hybrid.

Let's congratulate them.

They must be Russians.

That sounds scary.

cannot be reached at the moment. Please...

What do you say about that?

I'm trying to get...

Part one, he put a picture of his truck with his license plate fully exposed.

Oh, yeah. Great idea.

That sounds good.

Yeah, seriously.

All right, whatever.

Hey, I do stupid stuff like that, too.

I did.

I try not to.

I'm sure I still do something.

That's why they keep getting me, you know, Dwight, and others connected.

All right, we've got a male BYUH housing, a male BYUH housing.

All right, Zach, the fuck is a BYUH housing?

I think that's great.

me and baz will have fun with that ready baz you should do it ask for a ask about the male

yeah yeah you have to go yet don't go come on for this one oh okay exactly we could ask brian

about housing even though it doesn't say maybe he knows about it i wonder is that byu brigham

young university i know what h stands for yeah brigham young university something homosexual

sexual that's in honolulu yeah where if you kiss your girlfriend you get kicked out of fucking

school hello brian speaking hey brian how do you say their flapjack yes yeah i'm calling about the

uh the room to share yes you you're the second person to call about it so far oh perfect perfect

well i'm the best i'm the best so well would you like to come over and look at it room and try it

out yeah to come over and see what we got if you want to yeah so we can can we try it out i want

to try it out yeah first no i'll come over and look at it and i'll show you around yeah you're

gonna show me uh gonna show me the some stuff no i'll just show you around the house show you what

you're looking for maybe we might go into a room and you were gonna show me some stuff

i don't know what you mean by show you some stuff well you know you show me yours i show you mine

that kind of stuff

you know

we just

take a little peek

what I

what I'm asking here

just guy stuff

I have a room

comparing notes

you know

yeah

and then you know

we can tell sex stories

oh

hey

yeah

maybe we can make

a few of our own

listen

you want to

think about rent

that's okay

yeah

I want to rent it

I want to rent the fuck

out of that room

okay

well

I want to rent the fuck

fucking shit out of it.

Well, I have another person that came over

earlier to check the place out.

And if you want to come over and check it out,

you're welcome.

Yeah.

So are you going to be there?

Yes.

Yeah, so are you going to be watching me while I do it?

No.

You know what? This is getting a little bit too personal.

I'll let you go, man.

No, no, no.

Maybe you should bear with it.

It's casual.

It's anonymous.

It's going to be roommates, after all.

That was Brian.

Hey, Brian.

Yeah.

Yeah, hi.

My friend here, he's a little upset, I guess.

You were just talking to him about a place you have, like a garage that you're renting.

Yeah, I have a place that's open to rent.

I had another person that came by today earlier to check it out.

So you're the second person to call.

Yeah.

It's available.

The room is available.

if you want to come over and check it out i'll show you around and everything but you know yeah

well we call him snozz he's best i'm sorry we call him the snozz that's his nickname

snozz okay um he's he goes to byuh byuh you know yeah yeah you know he goes there and excuse me

um you know the last the place he's staying at now when he first got there i guess it was a place

where the guy said, oh, you like the place?

And then he pulled out his sexual organ and showed it to him.

Oh, you know, this house is strictly for a person.

This is nothing to do sexually.

This house, this place is open for rent.

It's a sex house.

$400 a month.

There's two of us here.

It's 420 friendly.

It's 420 friendly?

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I don't know what's going on here, man.

It sounds really weird.

Well, basically what happened, he's been staying at this place for three months,

and he finally came to me and said, listen, he comes in,

he says that he can, you know, watch, use the bathroom whenever I'm in it,

and so it's not.

Well, you know what, hey, that sounds kind of a little creepy for me.

He's been abusing him.

He's been abusing him, and I got involved, and I told him,

this man doesn't have a right to go into the bathroom whenever Snozz is taking a shower.

something i don't need to know okay okay i'm gonna let you go man no but can we come by please

can we come by oh man they're 420 friendly man we should have asked if they had double

do you see the fucking pictures to this place

scummy

I was looking at the end I'm like

I'm looking at the pictures before I look at the end

I'm like this looks like a fucking garage

and then I start reading I'm like

I'm like, it is a garage.

He's like, what the fuck?

He's putting people out in his garage.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

His garage.

You don't even get a stove.

You get a fucking hot plate.

Well, you can do a lot with a hot plate.

You can do most of your...

You can survive with a hot plate.

What do you expect?

It's $400.

You can do a hell of a lot with a hot plate.

They can't let you use the stove, though?

Like, the main stove?

That's pretty...

No, no, no.

You stay out in the garage.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I like this part.

but look at the counter why would you take a picture of a of just a counter full of shit

it's like there's a cabinet with like with no drawers on it drawers drawers there's salt you

know they go back to salt in there it's like a rice friendly we like to drink and we handle our

liquor it's called liquor totally wrong liqueur yeah that picture is weird you see a bunch of

like drying like uh pans and pots like just on and it looks like there's shit in the toilet

extension cords just fucking strewed about everywhere oh my god rice cooker why would

you get as a rice key why would you take a picture of this like you're gonna be living in this shit

is this a definition oh yeah i want to live there looking at i don't know i don't know what the

fuck's going on with this holy shit well because like at the end he said they say you know we

We smoke cigs, so bear with it.

Well, what else are you going to have to bear with?

Really?

Pictures, girl.

That is a kanaka right there, God damn it.

Hey, guys, I got to go.

Don't do it, man.

Bye, guys.

Don't do it, Beth.

All right, see you, Beth.

All right.

I want to move from Cinnabon right now.

Cinnabon, yeah, Cinnabon.

Bye, Beth.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

I was calling about an ad that you have for a room for rent.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to put my...

Go ahead, talk to me, talk to me.

I'm going to put my Neon partner on.

She's going to ask about it, okay?

Thank you.

Hi, is this Brian?

Yes, it is.

Hi, Brian.

I'm interested in the room for rent.

I saw your ad on Craigslist.

Yes.

Are you okay having females there?

I see that it says share with two people.

No, I don't mind having a female here as long as you're single.

Oh, why is that?

Yeah, the last couple of people that we had here had boyfriends, girlfriends, and there was domestic problems and everything.

So if you're single, that's okay.

But we really don't want to have a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of thing because I know there's going to be issues.

Right, were they kanakas? Because I'm Howley, so...

No, it doesn't matter.

I don't care what you are or whoever you are or whatever.

Okay.

This place is open.

I had another person come over here today, checked it out.

He's one of two.

You're the second caller that's inquiring about the place.

Yeah.

It's a great place.

It's a great place, but, you know, like, we're looking for somebody that's, you know, responsible,

somebody that has a job, somebody that's, you know.

Right.

and yeah you know we don't want we don't want no um no drama we don't want no drama

if you have that it's going to be drama so if you're single that's cool oh my god okay yeah

i'm already done with that part um so our what's what's the thing with you can work out a deal

what does that well what does that mean no the workout the deal there's there's no deal that

It's like $400 a month, no deposit.

It says it in your ad.

We can work out a deal.

That's what I'm asking.

There's no deal.

Why would you put that in your ad?

Huh?

Why would you put that in the ad?

I didn't say, oh, a deal if you want to get internet or cable.

Oh, okay.

Okay, yeah.

I wasn't sure what country you're from because this English is terrible.

Yeah, no.

If you want to move in, it's $400 a month, no deposit.

So if you have a female there, are you expecting them to clean?

Because this place looks like a shithole.

Or is this what the previous renters had?

What's the matter, asshole?

Yeah, I'm with Arby.

You can't have a relationship as long as you live there.

People have needs, you know.

What are you doing, asshole?

Why don't you pick that phone up, motherfucker?

a fucker okay it'd be it would be even better if he was watching porn right now he just started

kicking it all of a sudden well that's funny apparently the last tenants were getting loaded

on liquor or something just beat the fuck out of each other i wonder if they were even doing that

or if he was just so fucking high he thought he saw it well he probably came in and started the

shit like they were probably drinking just having a nice time to come in and be like

but i thought i'm all fucking liquor you share with me and he tried to take their liquor and

then there was a fight the drama is that the the chick probably was staying there with the

boyfriend or whatever and probably slept with one of the well he said boyfriend and girlfriends did

you hear him say that uh-huh so i'm supposed to what this is a fucking monastery or something

fucking i don't know they live they live like the last girl there had a good party going on

i might have made the deal in my head i'm like listen you stay here i get to fuck the girl at

least once a week that's part of the deal that's where that's where he was going where you gotta

be single because i'm gonna want to fuck you whenever i bet that's right i swear to god i

that's what i thought yeah you want cable you fuck me for it and i guess he doesn't consider

bass's call to be a serious one because he didn't count it he's like i like the same line though

he's like oh yeah a guy already

gave you a number two it's like I'm pretty sure we're

at least up to number five now pal

I think you do like the other ones are like

the first series so I had a different

caller ID for that this one here I changed

it and okay whatever

Lisa has

a shared room available for

$100 that's what I'm talking about

you gotta do this cause she's not gonna want no men

wait which one is this? I mean would you want a man?

uh no this is for men

it's a men's shared

sober apartment oh

Oh, ask if there are any sex addicts there.

This one, I think it's California.

It's close to the Crenshaw Mall.

Oh, Crenshaw.

That's a good neighborhood.

Too bad now.

You don't know that.

I stayed there.

Look, when sleeping in your car, it does not count as staying there.

Well, it does if you use it about like five nights a week.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't trying to be mean.

I'm just making jokes.

If you're calling for the Lighthouse in Irvine or Northridge, yes, we do have spaces available.

Spaces.

We do provide everything there at the Shared Room Home for you, except for groceries, so you don't have to worry about anything.

If you'd like to make an appointment to see it, please leave your name and phone number here so we can get back with you.

I don't think they're going to answer.

I was about to change the song.

Luckily, it finished.

It's getting on my nerves.

Okay, Doug has a Shared Room for Rent for $450.

Any scoop on this property?

Anything we need to know?

Oh, let me see.

Doug.

No, I don't remember this one.

Nothing crazy in the ad?

Do you guys have any dope?

Basically, it's just a shared room.

Two people per room.

All right, 450 includes water.

That says, my motto, as long as you're not loud, my house is your house.

I used to love what Carlito was always calling and talking about.

He would see sleeps naked, and he wanted to push the beds together.

After a while.

This is in the porn area of California.

All right.

Chatsworth.

So you think, yeah, it has the Wi-Fi, too.

And 420 friendly.

we can do the thing where you're oh nia will you say that you um you're on chatterbait you're a

famous chatterbaiter oh god okay tell them to get thousands of a month from chatterbait

but you're gonna be needing to have your camp set up and stuff you'll pay the rent for everybody

you just need you need some way with a lot of room yeah or if they don't mind if they don't

mind you're just you know masturbating away while they you are free robe of the fucking apartment

Like, you're just going from room to room masturbating in their beds and stuff.

Are we going to call them or are we going to do it right now?

We're just talking.

I'm just kidding.

We're going to masturbate right now.

You guys are really getting into it.

All talking, they won't answer.

Fuck.

You guys did the joke already.

It's our fault.

The mailbox belonging to...

Maybe they're doing their chatterbait sessions.

They're probably already working on it.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling for the shared room for rent.

Yeah.

Is it still available?

It is, yes.

okay when's it available it'll be available on the first okay um how many people are in this

this house it's for you yes it is oh so you know there's a male in the room

three bedrooms in the house there's a married couple in one of the rooms i'm in another room

and then there's for rent okay um that's okay um do you screen you know what what our professions

are before coming into uh to rent this room no okay um well because i saw in your ad it says

um you know my house is your house and as long as you're not loud um i'm actually you know seeing

as we we all are from chatsworth i think we know what the big profession is here but um i'm

currently on chatterbait and so um my work is mostly from home and um i'll be setting up live

webcam sessions well i mean i mean i won't be loud and i don't think the male roommate would mind

i don't know if you would or not well i could cut you a small percentage of what i'm making

what's that i could cut you a small percentage of what i'm making aside from the 450 for rent

yeah well it's not me it's roomie uh i'm sure he wouldn't mind well you never you never know

yeah well it's only it's it's just um it's during the interim right now i'm uh waiting to get back

on set with vivid so um and you know and get back on contract but he you know i'm sure you can ask

any guy i'm sure they're down to watch it i mean it's not i mean he'll be getting it for free you

know yeah well what's your name i i've got your number here i could get back to you on that sure

Sure. My name is Madison.

Madison. Okay. I'll run it by the guy that's in there and see what he says.

And if he doesn't have a problem, I'll get back to you.

Sure. Okay. Yeah. Ask him if he has any issues with glitter because I do like to use glitter in my sessions.

Okay.

Okay. I can give you a call back maybe tomorrow if that's okay.

Well, I'll get back to you.

Is he there now? Maybe you can wake him up and ask him.

Well, no, I don't want to bother him now.

Oh, okay. He probably has somebody in that room right now.

I mean, it's the time of the day, you know, I just don't want to bother him.

Oh, yeah, he's probably, you know, that guy's probably in there totally.

You know, he's probably on one of my camp sessions probably throwing out tokens to me.

Do you know how Chatterbait works?

No.

Basically, it's their live camp sessions, and I'm paid through, you know, the patrons that come and visit my camp sessions.

I'm paid through tokens that they provide to me.

And each, you know, the more tokens that they give me, the more that I show them.

It's kind of a new way of doing, like, a peep show for, like, you know, back in the day folks.

I see.

Girl's got to make a living somehow, you know?

Yeah, no, I'm not saying anything, you know, it's fine.

Okay.

See, he's kind of a religious guy.

Yeah!

Even better, even better.

Even better, huh?

Yeah, I used to want to be a nun myself, and we can see where that went.

Yeah!

Sorry, my music's, like, really loud.

I'm practicing for some of my sessions.

So, anywho.

Yay!

Go for it.

Okay, I'll get back to you, Madison.

Alright, thank you.

Okay.

Bye.

Tell me he doesn't have a hard dick right now.

I don't have anything else.

I was just trying to get you out of that by playing you.

I imagine Carlito would know the reference.

You know LeBron's pregame shit with the baby powder?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what Neon does with the glitter.

the fucking glitter yeah but i i clap it down there dwight you know you do it with your legs

you throw it up with your legs or your thighs you know what she he's talking about lebron james when

he does a basketball game you know what basketball game is you know who lebron james is he's a

basketball player he's black too yeah he's a black basketball player and he's good he's really good

hey how's your knee oh it's good anyway he he puts like powder in his hands and he throws it up

oh my god does he tell me more yeah just in case you need that's what the joke is i know what it

is oh okay do you know which bat what basketball is yeah what team does he play for huh smart girl

oh god he's playing for the heat and no i don't know well i said he used to i don't know i don't

follow that shit you don't know where you play i don't care he went back to um sick not the

the Sixers, the Cavs.

He's in Philadelphia now.

That's not one other guy.

I don't know.

He plays for the Phoenix Rattlers.

Oh my God, you guys are such

nerds with sports. Who cares?

You guys have a fantasy league

with him too?

You guys polishing your balls over there?

Alright, we got all kinds of

things here.

Come over and check it out.

It doesn't say just too much

to list. That's all we got.

yeah he literally he puts nothing in his fucking craigslist set his title too much to list and

then he in the title was like yeah i just got too much shit to list just come on over hang on i'll

read it look what does it say you have in front of you i gotta hear yeah and then he spelled much

wrong too much too much to list yeah too much to list and then it says all kinds of things come

Come over, call, check it out.

First come gets.

First F-I-S-R-T.

What did he do?

How did he?

He's just like banged this out on his phone real quick, on his iPhone.

Done.

I got a bunch of shit.

Come over.

All right, let's find out.

How do you guys get these numbers?

How do you get numbers for these people?

These are just straight on Craigslist.

I just go to Craigslist and like Hawaii.

The fucking free sections.

Yeah.

Hey, you got a lot of shit there that you're given or you got a lot of shit there.

free stuff hello oh what are you talking about uh on craigslist here you put down you got a lot

of shit come over come check it out first come first gets hello do you have any furniture that

you're giving out you got the wrong number you're giving out uh you're giving out stuff

free stuff free stuff please hello please hello free stuff okay what do you have free stuff

but it's a free stuff whatever you want whatever you want all right can i have tv yeah all right

okay can i have your ass cherry yeah all right there you go all right dwight did you want

anything yeah let me come on over there and uh i'd like him to pull out his dentures and let

me put my penis in his mouth is that free gum job absolutely in fact i'll pay you for that

nice gummer oh jesus christ no i get a blow job and i'm getting paid this is fucking fantastic

Jesus Christ

Hey Peter, we heard about you Peter

You fucking pervert

Yeah

We heard about you around the way

Are you getting rid of the evidence? Is that why it's too much to list?

Can I come over there and

Tosh you? I want to Tosh you

This guy fucking sounds like a Kanaka

Let's Tosh

Can I Tosh you?

Tosh your hair, kiss you

Tosh your private parts

Are you into

to fisting because it says check it out fist come gets is that what you meant by that fisting

yep hey yo peter uh when i'm getting that gum job from you uh would you be able to uh tickle

my balls while you do that whatever you want oh fucking fantastic no what do you want sir

what do you want i want you guys what do you want from us want my ass free furniture you want free

furniture yeah do you have a uh do you have a casting couch everything you need you have

everything we need and then some i'm gonna make this guy sit on a coconut like a good little boy

while he blows me is this peter peter don't be shy now peter peter you're peter right peter peter

fisting eater had a wife couldn't keep her peter peter penis eater okay bye peter bye peter you're

boring yeah motherfucker yeah that's how we get out of calls now we just play that was that really

a nursery rhyme am i correct peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife but couldn't keep her i always

went with uh peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife loved to beat her that's always a good one

dude why were they teaching us that all right so there's a guy named peter and a pumpkin and he

couldn't keep his wife he was a cuckold i guess that's what i mean you know for people to be

saying he hey that guy couldn't keep his wife he had a wife that couldn't keep her that means you

You know, not only did you just get divorced or something, like she fucked around the whole town.

Everyone knew because his wife was unfaithful.

She kept cheating on him.

And the way to stop her from cheating on him was a pumpkin shell, which was like a chastity belt.

What was the rest of that dressing room?

All I remember is the first bars.

See, where I remember my from was fucking Andrew Dice Clay.

Well, he would.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see if I can look up.

Says Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her.

he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well ah yeah the one i remember it was

from andrew yeah peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife loved to beat her smacked her twice across

the head fucked her ass and went to bed oh oh yeah that's fucked up so then so he puts her in a

pumpkin shell and kidnaps her and locks her in a shell or you're surmising that it's a he made a

a chastity belt out of pumpkin so she right fuck around oh very interesting so they taught that hey

you know listen when you get older and you get married if the bitch starts cheating on you

you either a lock her up somewhere where she can't get out ever or put a chastity belt on her

and keep her yeah there you go great lesson i don't think they teach that shit anymore in school

do they no they don't teach them nursery rhymes yeah that's 80s shit shit now it's all nickelodeon

and stuff. Fucking dog with a blog

or some shit like that. I'm getting a fucking

refresher on Andrew Dice's clay poems

just from looking that up. Adora, bitch.

Dude, Dice, he was doing some show

in New York.

He is, New Year's Eve, and I'm thinking about

going there. There's a package where you can

stay in the hotel, and it's included

and alcohol's included, and Dice

is coming out, and I think a few other comedians

are going to be there.

Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep,

blew a horse and licked

his feet. She ate his ass

That's so very nice.

Dunked his balls not once, but twice.

Oh!

Nice.

Oh, dice.

That man sold out Madison Square Garden, ladies and gentlemen.

Where is he now?

All right, let's go.

He did an episode on Tosh.0, I think last year sometime,

and I was like, oh, dude, it's fucking dice.

Sweet.

He kind of made a comeback like in 2006, 2007.

He was playing a lawyer, which was fucking hilarious.

I love the cigarette that he would do.

The cigarette thing around his head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He always did that.

That's right.

Oh, music.

Fucking up.

Who's hitting the turntable?

This is bullshit.

I think that's part of the song.

Wow, that's true.

All right, free rooster from Dan.

Good.

Let's get the chickens going first.

We should get the rooster and hens and then make them talk.

Yeah, hi.

This is Cross.

I see you got some roosters.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah, good.

And two hens?

I got one rooster and two hens.

I need to get rid of.

Oh, do they fuck?

Say what?

Do they fuck?

Do they mate?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, good, good.

So they're egg producing

and everything, the hens?

The hens were laying eggs

until about two weeks ago

then they stopped.

Oh, did you change their feed?

Uh, no.

Sure.

Are they old?

Old fucking hens?

Old cock sucking hens?

I don't think so.

They might have just

found some place else

to lay the eggs.

All right, well,

what I really need

is the rooster.

How old is the rooster,

you think?

Is he still young and spry

or getting old?

Yeah, he's a year old.

Oh, good.

good so he's gonna do a lot of fucking for me still huh i imagine all right good yeah because

i need to get these eggs i need to get these chick these hens over here fucking i got a rooster i

don't know if you hear him we're getting ready to chop his neck off he's being a fucking asshole

he's not he's not having sex he's all depressed and stuff yeah yeah so we uh i tricked him i laid

out food like in a trail just like no they used to show on tv when you were a kid yeah yeah and i

I got him inside my camper, and I locked the door in there.

He's in there, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to drive this.

I'm going to roll this camper off the side of the road to a river over here.

Where are you going to do that?

The Kikiki River.

Well, I'm trying to get rid of him.

I need to get rid of the camper anyway.

It's not going to pass inspection and all that, so I'm just trying to get rid of it.

yeah so i figure i i got the rooster in there i got a uh this uh a few puppies we had a litter

over here no one wanted to buy these motherfuckers so i'm gonna put them in there um yeah i mean

so i got about three pit bull puppies and this rooster here is asshole fucking rooster his name

is peck peck getting rid of him and then i'll use your rooster does he have a name or no no all right

we'll come up with a name for him and all that yeah all right okay all right give me a call

tomorrow yeah yeah i'll fucking uh fucking i'll do that and shit all right motherfucker okay have

you got have you got a uh cage you're supposed to catch him then oh yeah yeah i got all that

shit yeah okay yeah all right all right motherfucker okay i'll give you a call tomorrow

whatever i just wanted to finish that there's a weird story if you call him back and let me talk

to him yeah sure maybe a different number or something yeah i'll change the number just in

case yeah andrew dice clay is the type of man gary brodsky wishes he could be totally andrew

dice clay would blow the smoke in gary's fucking face and call him a bitch actually i would do

that too if i smoke you should know a lot about andrew dice clay if i didn't i would spit in his

face i'd get some chew and i'd spit right in his face okay hello

How you doing?

You got the roosters and the hens?

Yeah.

You giving these little motherfuckers away or what?

Yep, giving them away.

I just talked to somebody.

He said he's going to call me tomorrow about getting them.

That's bullshit.

I ain't getting them.

You around tonight?

I come by tonight?

No, you can't get them tonight.

You got to get them in the morning.

Why can't I get them tonight?

He says they're roosting.

I don't give a shit.

Yeah, that's the easiest time to fucking get them.

Anyway, somebody just called me and said they were going to come get them tomorrow.

Hey, are you listening to my voice?

Does it sound like I give a fuck, you fucking kanaka?

Okay, thanks.

Hey, fuck you, buddy, all right?

Okay.

He didn't want to play.

Oliver, 55-gallon barrels.

Let's see how much shit and piss we can put in that.

That's the easiest time to get them.

The answer is easy, 55 gallons worth, but let's make sure.

Hey, how you doing, honey baby?

Is that Oliver?

I'm sorry?

I need to talk to Oliver.

He told me to call about the 55-gallon barrels.

One moment.

All right, motherfucker.

Fuck that bitch.

Hey, Oliver, how you doing?

You crazy kanaka, you.

Good to talk to you.

All right, man.

I'm good, motherfucker.

You got them 55-gallon barrels.

Yeah, so you got 55 barrels, one gallon each.

Got it.

$10.

No problem.

Yeah, I want to put a lot of shit and piss in those motherfuckers, you know?

55-gallon.

Yeah.

Yeah, how much shit and piss can I put in there?

What do you mean?

I want to...

What are you going to make?

I got a tap over here, and I'm going to tap into some shit and piss that's coming out.

Yeah, it's coming out.

Oh, you got 50 bucks?

Yeah, motherfucker.

That's all you fucking need, you stupid motherfucker.

You, that's good.

All right, so 10 bucks for...

They're each 10 bucks, motherfucker?

Can I get them tonight?

I need them tonight.

Well, I can come down there.

I mean, if you...

Can you text me back with your machines?

machines you send me all your spaces and machines and all that yeah give me that shit motherfucker

i'm coming over i'll bring a pizza over there you know and we'll i'll take a look at the gallon

barrels i want to you know we can masturbate look at each other watch each other masturbate

and i got other things to do fucking serious oh you can all you kanakas are the same motherfucker

don't you start with me you know what why don't you grow up and fuck you and i bet you're going

I bet you're going to get the same in return, you know.

But if you're going to talk like that.

I'm sorry.

It's anywhere.

I'm sorry.

It's anywhere.

Do what you want with your life and, you know, blow me up.

I'm sorry.

My wife will explain.

I'm sorry.

She'll explain how sorry I am.

And, okay.

Yeah, sir.

You know, he's pretty sorry and all.

But, you know, before you can cast judgment on other people, I think you really need to learn how to speak the English language correctly.

Oh, you called me up to teach me how to talk.

I could.

I could probably teach you a lot of other things, but...

Okay, you know what you can do?

You can go to the same place.

Tell me in your nice Hawaiian way

what I can do with myself.

Yeah, that's right.

Teach you some manners.

Get some manners!

You don't know how to talk to people, okay?

Stupid.

Hey, asshole.

Hey, buddy.

I told you what.

I'm not going to tell you again.

Send me the...

Okay, did you send me the address yet, buddy?

Nothing from you, so don't ask anything from me.

You don't need anything.

You can't even speak the language.

But how do you go in the big pool, eh?

You know, you know,

Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Yeah, whatever, man.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Fucking asshole.

So stupid.

I don't need nothing from you.

I told you.

I don't need nothing.

Fuck you.

Hey, this is my first time calling, sir.

I'm calling about the drums you got.

Yeah, well, don't call me

because I'm gonna call you.

What?

You don't have the drums anymore?

Well, you could call me up

Sir, I'm trying to tell you this is my first time calling.

I don't know why you're yelling at me.

I'm just calling about the ad here.

No, I'm just calling you right now there.

I just got down here to Honolulu and I just moved from New Jersey

and I'm just trying to get some of these barrels.

I didn't talk shit to people.

I mean, why are you using that language, man?

Hey, that's the way you guys talked when you guys called me.

Listen, motherfucker, this is the first time I've called you.

Don't you raise your voice to me.

Hey, brother, you got a problem, you come take it.

Okay, what's your red dress, you son of a bitch?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Right back where you came from, man.

Yeah, I come from Trenton.

I don't deal with motherfuckers like you like that, eh?

Well, why don't you go back to where you came from?

Nah, nah.

I'm going to run you motherfuckers off this land like we did the Native Americans, you cocksucker.

Why don't you become extinct?

Shit, damn it.

I was on mute and I didn't get to tell him.

He said call one more time, right?

Yeah, he did.

Tell him he's a wise guy, Dwight.

That wasn't his name.

Sam Collarid, by the way.

Collarid?

Hello?

Hey, honey, how are you?

I'm not your honey.

Oh.

Do not call my house because I'm calling the cops and I'm going to file a complaint against you.

No, please.

You're harassing my husband.

He told me to call back, motherfucking shit.

He told me to call back.

You know what?

Do not call.

I'm going to call the cops right now, okay?

No, I'm sorry.

Can you-

He has had enough.

He said you give up.

You keep calling back and harassing him.

I am sorry.

the cops goodbye can you please no don't call the police please i'm calling them right now i'm sorry

no no no you cannot say sorry it's too late please too late no too late you want to go

harass somebody else okay don't call my house and harass her so talk sucks to be you right about now

trouble my mom's gonna get mad and i'm gonna get in trouble i don't give a crap you don't give a

shit about my family why the hell should i care about yours you can call my house and harass my

my husband fuck you no i'm gonna call the cops on your ass i don't give a shit about your mom

you don't give a shit about my family she's gonna take away all my shit from christmas and i'm gonna

get punished i won't be able to get the car next year like they said sucks to be you come on to be

you grow the fuck up sucks to be you no god damn it that was so good that was pretty fun i love

when carly was like no no my parents they get so bad they always think the prank callers are

fucking like 12 13 year old kids they're always gonna take my wii then i always say that my

nintendo wii they're gonna take it away

oh shit do what now that's awesome look at that chat sorry

all right oh my god i'm gonna put a special star next to it all right so the next we got here is

no name on the ad and it is an apartment share 545 international apartment what that means means

means you're gonna be living with a lot of fucking foreigners i do like how that first picture they

didn't bother to clean the fuck up before they took a picture oh it's la that explains it that's

why there's a lot of dirty people there from other countries i got the minute rice the part

of you are trying to reach is minute rice is so lazy how lazy you got to be to use minute rice

it's so bad for you too that's some good right i ordered some chinese food today it was fucking

good that's some chicken and hot garlic sauce this isn't like the heart of a lot of stuff down

there a little stuff yeah in hollywood hollywood yeah this is hollywood is there a ghetto in

hollywood now or something uh it's kind of i mean yeah i guess it just depends like what you like

but this is this is like right in the center of like gower and vine and neon walk down vine

street drunk one too many times hollywood and vine i've heard of that corner hollywood a few

times that's where they shot tupac right yeah all right all right um did we call it yet no here we

go yeah we got a no answer i'll try again then no name no answer now you see he says tupac died

in me yes i know he got shot on the strip yes i know there's no such nba team as the phoenix

rattlers there's no such person as lebron james oh no he's real let me guess he's black no he's

actually white we're joking about the only basketball player i know is shaq he's still

playing though right he's on uh tnt now i know one of my friends now and he just does i'll never

never forgive that fucking big-ass

ego motherfucker. Oh, but the Magic

sucked anyway. Whatever. Fuck you.

Magic sucked. You sucked. LA sucked.

All that time.

90s LA sucked.

Clippers really sucked.

Lakers sucked.

I remember when the

Pistons took on the

Lakers for the championship, and it was

still Kobe and Shaq.

And the Pistons fucking smoked them in like

five games.

They were so pissed. I think that was the year they broke

So have they been the glory years there?

Well, the Testons had some good years.

They won the championship and then went to the Eastern Conference Finals

like six years in a row after that.

They sucked ass.

That's when they had Allen Iverson.

No, that was not when they had Iverson.

That's when I was thinking of when you guys were talking about the run game.

That was right before the big breakdown with the big rumble at the Palace, right?

Oh, that was fucking great.

I was watching that at a sports center.

Oh, my God.

The Pistons were getting owned, and there was like 43 seconds left,

and then Ben Wallace fucking shoved Ron Artest.

And, yeah, there was that big fucking fight.

Fans were out on the court fucking trying to beat up the other team.

So, Ron Artest, like, there was a fight, and doesn't –

was it Ron Artest that laid down on the table?

Yeah, it was.

He laid down on the table like he was rusty.

Yeah, and a fan, someone in the stands threw a cup at him.

And then he goes up into the stands

and beats up the wrong fucking guy

who was just sitting there.

He just beats in his big ass

and just breaks it off.

There's one other guy, I forget who it was,

but a couple fans,

some big fucking Mexicans ran out on the court

and had their fists up like they were going to hit him.

And the fucking basketball player

just bombs the deck the fucking day.

Just fucking lays his ass out.

I remember that

because I remember Ron Artest always starting shit

with people.

like he was always getting like kicked out and stuff and just always starting shit and they're

like oh yeah of course ron or test would have started that that whole brawl still does that

is he still playing in la no he retired didn't he retire he changed his name like three times

he changed it again to something funky again did he yeah mr mr clay says uh how about the panthers

carlito oh the vision winner has a losing record oh my god that happens every once in a while

All right, it just ends up like that.

The fucking Lions lost today, so I think they've got to go play Dallas now next week in the playoffs.

I can't believe the Falcons just dropped like that, though, man.

Look how bad the fucking Arizona Cardinals dropped.

They were, like, number one record in the league, and now they're, like, the fifth.

I don't think they even made the playoffs, did they?

I'm pretty sure they did.

They would.

Well, speaking of not making the playoffs, let's you and me do a prank call.

Okay.

All right.

Did we announce on the air

Akers won? He was in the chair

and he won the whole thing.

Two years in a row he has a

back-to-back championship

in our fantasy football league.

And I have back-to-back

last place.

Did he take my slot, Hermano?

Akers? No, Baz took your slot.

Oh, okay. He told me he took my slot.

Akers has always been in there.

Did he take your slot?

It's not for grabs.

You have to fight with the hermanito.

I want to see you get through him first.

No, it's okay.

I don't need it.

Thank you.

Okay, puta.

I'm going to cut your shit now.

I don't want your slot.

Thank you, though.

Thanks, buddy.

We're calling Dion.

I skipped Jake on accident.

He's got a golden retriever lab.

It's a good dog.

Dog's got a huge fucking head for its body.

It's a dumb blonde of dogs.

Even though they aren't that smart.

Hello.

Hey, motherfucker.

How you doing, Dion?

How you doing, big guy?

How are you doing?

Hey, my man.

Hey, listen.

You got that lab?

You got them lab puppy?

Uh, yeah, we got one.

What's it mixed with?

What kind of dogs you got fucking over there?

Uh, it's a retriever.

A retriever, but you said mixed puppy.

What's that mean, motherfucker?

Yeah, she's a lab and a retriever mix.

Oh, a lab and a retriever.

Labrador and a lab is a retriever.

Yeah, basically.

So she's not a mix?

Well, basically when we got her, they basically said she was a lab retriever mix.

So we just going with that.

We don't want to change up, nothing like that.

Are you Kanaka?

Say again?

Are you Kanaka?

is that what's no i'm not from chicago man i'm from oh yeah i'm just in another i'm in the army

yet were you like from the south side or something are you negro uh yeah i'm i'm southeast oh yeah

you're from a pretty bad area no wonder you talk like that like you're kind of negro so yeah listen

a lab that doesn't make any sense you don't even know what this dog has in it it could have

have something crazy you know no it's just uh yeah it's basically it has on her uh her papers

and says she's the last uh last last retriever all right um do you ever fire any guns you ever

fire any guns around that motherfucker no why not i'm gonna have to test to see if it's gun shy you

know no she's pretty cool she ain't she don't really okay do you ever yell at her i like i'm

gonna have to yell at her just to see how she takes it you know screams like don't do that

Yeah, yeah, we yell at her a lot, yeah, a lot, a lot.

Fuck that, yeah, fuck that shit, motherfucker, right?

Motherfucker.

What do you do with the army?

What do you do, boy?

You clean the shit out of the toilets?

I'm infantry.

So you clean the shit out of the toilets?

Nah.

Do you cook food?

Basically, we go to, we just kill people, that's it.

You kill people?

Yeah, that's basically it.

Were you in the shit?

Were you in the sandbox?

Nah.

Oh, you're a pussy then

You ever kill anybody, motherfucker?

Yeah

Is this a girl dog or a boy dog?

This is a girl

Oh, okay

Well, then I can't ask about the sexual organs

Does anyone want to talk to him?

He's real pissing me off now

Yeah, I got a question

You ever call the dog

Maybe you've been drinking a little bit

You're sitting on the couch

You call the dog

I don't know what the dog's name is

You go, come here, come here, dog

Come here, dog

And then you finger the dog's pussy?

No

What about your wife?

because i hear that bitch in the background she do it she lesbian for dogs lesbian for dogs i'm

sorry no it's fine i was tired of it sorry i was done with it all right we'll get back to jake who

has schnauzer mixed puppies anyone want to do this because i'm dogged out now i'll talk to the

dog thank you big jay personal use big dick jake you need a mic stand dwayne that's good i i know

might get one next month

get one tomorrow

go to guitar machines

and then ask someone to help you do it

oh so the microphone goes where

and you

that attaches

to the desk he's like I don't use it

I was like set it to me he's like no and I was like motherfucker

oh you moocher get your own

yeah right

I'm just fine doing this

that's the way to go you get the one that attaches on your desk

man because the one I got

comes with a cable

I got the swing alarm.

It comes with the cable, so all you need is your mic and your mixer.

Yeah, if you can hook it up.

I don't have a mixer.

Yeah, I thought you had a mixer.

No, everybody yelled at me.

They told me to get a mixer first.

Now everybody's like, get a stand for your microphone.

Yeah, get the stand for your microphone.

So what do you do?

Do you have a mic that you hold on your desk?

Yeah, it comes with a little tripod that'll sit on my desk.

desk but if i sit it on my desk and everyone bitches that i'm not loud enough so i gotta

pick it up and i gotta hold the goddamn thing yeah that's annoying you gotta get a stand man

even just that self it's just so annoying i'd probably be all sweaty and stuff i'll just i'll

just sit it down here i'll just yell i'll just fucking yell like this well yeah it doesn't work

you could bend down bend down i do but i'm trying to type and i'm trying to scroll with my mic here

my mic my mouse and shit yeah can you put it on some books some books i don't have books i don't

read the fuck you think this is oh man doesn't your niece have some books you can use probably

at her house oh i thought she lived with you guys you gotta get some papers

some phone books um you don't have to do it now i'm just giving suggestions do it now

are those are those still around phone books they keep sending them here and i keep

like fucking leaving them in one box and i still haven't taken it out i gotta send those to dwight

yeah i think i got as of recently i think i have four years worth of like yeah and i always get

two of them they give you like one big one for the big city and then another small one for your

little area it's so annoying or at work they have one that they what we use as a stand for a phone

and it's like from the 19 i think it's 96 or something like that it's real trippy sometimes

i go through kind of memories you know memories okay i'll stop bullshit memories the next call

Call is, is that Shanique?

Shanique?

Or are we at Indian food now?

I got a Shanique here.

I don't know what's up with that.

Yeah, it's Indian food.

All right, good.

Let's call Shanique.

They're the ones that get pissed when about this time they're closing.

And why the fuck are you answering the phone then?

Yeah, right.

You give them a little shit like, oh, so we're closed now.

And why'd you answer?

Why did you start taking my order?

Hi, you've reached Shanique Restaurant.

We're open for lunch Monday through Friday from 1130 till 2.

Happy hour, 4 o'clock until 530.

and dinner is served Monday through Saturday

starting at 5.30. We're located

in South Lake Union at 5.30.

I don't know if they're open or not. I don't think they are.

Sounds like a machine. Next one is Kanak.

I am the

great Kanaka.

All I ever wanted to chat is debating the

science of being a squirter.

If it's possible.

I've already had this discussion with Sloth before and it's just

we're just going to have to agree to disagree

because it's too hard to explain to somebody

who doesn't have the parts for it.

it i thought everyone was saying now that like all the videos are just pissed i thought all the

porns are pissed i don't know what they do in porns i'm not in porn it looks to me like they're

just really clear pee like you just drink a lot of water so their pee is clear and it's oh i'm

coming and you're just pissed i'm pretty i thought the movies dude but when the girl does it for

real dude ain't like that man like you see in that fucking movie like if that happened i'd get

and really pissed off. I'm like, you fucked up my bed.

Nah, those girls are fucking

pissing there. Cleaning that shit up, ho.

If there's one chick, oh man, she just

does it all the time. It's like, ugh.

Man, I had this chick, like, she'd leave a freaking

puddle, man, but like, not like

we're not available now.

Alright, Milkman, thank you for being...

Who's Terry, slob?

It's like hearing it from my uncle when Milkman says

his stuff, man. It's like, please.

Dad, don't say that. Oh, God.

She left the puddle. Thank you.

That's not as bad as when Artie was telling us

about that girl he was with that her pussy was so smelly and shit i told her i told her to take her

to the car wash and power spray that shit how about the i mean it didn't have no smell i mean

it wasn't stinging i mean this is clean shit i mean this is a very you know young clean girl but

she just got very excited man just like clean shit hello very clean hi the indian food indian

food hello honey smart no i'm scared i don't think she was trying to figure out what the

fuck the phone was what is this what is this hi hello how are you is this indian food uh yeah

this is indian food i'd like to make an order actually close but while you pick up the fucking

phone motherfucker oh i'm so sorry about that fucking asshole why did you pick up the phone

then what for what oh i i have no idea i'm so sorry about that oh can i make a reservation

uh yeah sure okay what do you need what do you need if you hung up or what

But I'll try them again.

Yeah, can I make a reservation?

Reservation for how many people?

For three.

Three people what time?

Three people and your mother.

So that's four total.

Four people?

Well, three people and your mother.

So that's four, right?

You fuck you, man.

You stupid, okay?

Banchot?

Banchot, puttay, idar phone nahi karna acha?

Yeah, you marachot, come here, bring mother to me, I fuck her.

Oh, he was dead.

i think he said yeah that was good i'm gonna want to listen to that later i was about to give up on

this place and then i'm gonna pick up again fuck come on fuck everyone say come on fuck maybe they'll

come on fucker all right i give up i go that was fun that was fun three five seven five was that

one you really liked that you like that indian food order you gave me he got mad at them just

Just me saying mother, I didn't even say the banjo stuff.

I know.

When I said that, he figured I was Indian.

First spoke it.

You know the secret words.

It was basically whatever.

Hello.

Please leave a message after this.

Sounds like they're closed.

Chili's

desk...

Chili's Deli and Mark. I'm going to be

stopping when I hit the end of these

Indians here. Did you do more?

Did you get more? Dwight? I had

a few more after Indians. For yourself

or whoever needs some later?

Did your impolite wave tell me to stuff it?

Nope. Impolite wave's saying take a

break. It's all good. We had a good show.

I don't want to leave on a high note.

Hey, how you doing? I'd like to make an

order. Is there an Indian person who can take

it from me? Take out.

Is there an Indian person? Excuse me?

Is there an Indian person who can take

it from me that will understand better? I am.

Okay. All right. Do you speak Hindi?

I do not speak Hindi.

Do you speak Indian at all?

This is a South Indian restaurant, so you know.

Ah, okay. What do you speak, Bengali?

Hello? Tamil? Thank you.

South India is Tamil.

Thank you, professor.

Hello?

Do you speak Tamil?

Do you speak Tamil? Tamil?

All right. I'd like to make an order, please.

Your phone is a piece of shit. What are you saying?

Okay. Yeah. Tell me what?

One order.

Tigger?

Yeah. One sandwich.

which take orders so we just close 10 o'clock now why you pick up the phone stupid motherfucker you

so we will take the phone and we will deliver the message you fucking asshole oh that's where

the mama is good right yeah and do you have mother so i can have her sex for her shit talk you

oh your mother is good huh that's a mama's good what the fuck is that sassy i like her

Can I have the next one?

Sounded like my two-year-old niece insulted me in her own language.

That's Obama good.

I'm like, okay.

All right, Caitlin.

You got me.

Can I have the next one?

Yes, you can.

No question.

Thank you for calling Raymark Plumbing and Sewer.

Our office hours are 8 a.m. to 4.30 p.m.

That's not a good sign.

All right.

I don't think that's what it was anymore.

Okay.

Mohawk, India.

Mihawk.

Still yours.

All right.

i am mehack all right we got tandoori hut instead

all right the last one is maharaja this always happens

this show like right at the end it's gonna burn through like they don't really answer

nope nope nope the code and phone number followed by pound i'll pound her all right i guess we're

We're done.

Aw.

Fuck.

All right.

Is it?

Well, no one else is going to go on after me tonight, so forget it.

You went through all of Dwight's numbers?

Just about, yeah.

Really?

Right.

How many more did you get?

You said only a few more, right, Dwight?

Yeah, one, two, three, probably four or five.

Yeah, so, yeah, all the four or five.

Should have been on for about two hours, 45 minutes worth of show time.

Maybe a little less than that.

And that's omitting breaks in intro.

on my end. Okay, anyway, blah, blah, blah.

All right, see you guys. Bye, Neon. Thanks for being on.

Bye, Dwight.

See you later.

Milkman, take us out of here.

Oh, yeah.

What'd I tell you, man? What an action-packed

episode that was, man. I want to thank

everybody, all our live guests for stopping in.

Dwight, Neon, everybody

stopped in. Baz, a lot of bunch of

funny knuckleheads you guys are.

That's why we come here every week.

That's right. The most interactive show you can find right

here on the internet. We dropped it

dime we ask you just give us a time bring your friend or period bring an enemy you're always

welcome right here in the madhouse why we do this for you every week because we love you and what

we do without our generalissimo man saving lives one call at a time my brother i love you brother

thank you so much for having us on jesus christ homosexual thank you mr milkman all right well

thanks for having me and i will talk to you after the show i'll grab the things and i'll do that

okay okay yeah yeah i'll just dump it or whatever and then pay me back that cut just a minute

thank you sir that's milkman thanks everyone for listening uh baz milkman dwight neon i think

that's everyone who participated on the show and i appreciate that and uh anyway what i was trying

to get out for that started playing real loud is uh i will be back on next week dwight's next show

and the network will be

Tuesday night at 10 p.m. Eastern.

And of course, Matt does a show tomorrow.

I'll check in.

Bye.

Calls (28, 1 h 16 min of 2 h 37 min)

Transcript

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