PCN NYE 2015 Show: Carlito Drops the Balls

You little monkey.

You bastard.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

We both are lost and alone with me in the gentle rain.

Be afraid for your hand and I will be your love for a while.

T-minus 50 seconds, the vehicle now pressurized and the vehicle is go as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting, T-minus 40, all reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage at the three-second mark in the countdown.

Now, T-minus 21 seconds and counting, we have completed our power transfer.

The Saturn 1B1's vehicle, which now weighs 1.3 million pounds, is ready to go.

Coming up on the 10-second line.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, we have ignition.

Okay, see? We're good.

All right, boost it.

Okay.

Five seconds, the cabin is relieving.

Roger on the cabin.

A little noise.

There's a lot of check-ins.

All right, here we go.

T-O-2.

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51 seconds.

the station broadcast an editorial deploring the leniency of the courts in cases of sexual deviants

here in rebuttal is rc call known exhibitionist and frequent patron of the venus adult theater

and bookshop society has long held that the deviant is excuse me do you mind if i move a

little closer there now i can see you better as i said society has long held that the deviant is a

a freak an outcast are you wearing tight clothes do they show off your body what i mean is equality

is something that should be for all people how does your bicycle seat smell after a hard day's

ride huh stand by say is that society has long made a mockery i will give 25 to a woman who will

sell me her used pantyhose little girl would you like a piece of candy huh somebody step on me in

or spike heels hey hey look at this you want to take a look huh how about it golden shower huh

have you ever heard that term golden shower huh somebody just pee on me pee on my chest

pee on my chest right now shit on my face huh come on would you like to do that i can show you

a good time this has been a rebuttal to an editorial transcripts are available by writing

tunnel vision let's hear it for applause i like applause i love applause it's good to have

I agree. Hi, Milkman, how are you? Milkman? Milkman, how are you? Woo!

Now, Milkman, how are you?

Oh, I'm good, though.

Don't talk so loud. Don't talk so loud.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, when you talk that loud, I think that's part of why you break up a lot.

Talk too loud, and it takes a lot of packets up in the juice, in the sauce, you know?

I talk slower, I'm not...

What? I'm sorry, what?

exactly i'm sorry what oh i'm gonna mute it then hello yeah i hear you now but you're breaking up

anyway look i'm carlito i'm gonna be doing this show thing you know what i mean it's new year's

eve what i had planned milkman if you can hear me now milkman what i have planned is to bring in the

new year for all four u.s continental time zone machines yeah i'm excited about that yeah i got

Music picked out, little things here and there.

Yeah, yeah.

We got about 55 minutes until it's New Year's Eve here on the East Coast.

Pull it in New York, Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, Florida, the whole eastern seaboard, Boston.

Singers do the walk across all time zones, my friend.

Oh, yeah?

Say what now?

Say that again, Milkman.

Whoa.

Oh, man.

I got angry about Milkman's issues because I wanted to be with us.

I love having Milkman on.

and it's not fair that he has to feel like that

it's not fair, it's not his fault

but it's also not fair

you know what I mean

listen I gotta get Jaiad in here

I had to start a new conference

if you guys are listening who were in the original conference

it has now been redone

yeah

see who joins

I've invited just about anybody

who's involved with PCN

are you there Jack

This might be my issue

Might be a Carlito issue

Let me see if I can get that fixed

Nope, nope, nope, not me

Skype is working, I believe

Let's see, I see Milkman

it says milkman is talking but i don't hear him i have a problem here it's my fault please wait

you can hear me please wait well i'll say i have a problem skype is just crashing all together milk

man don't talk because i can't hear you i said you either jag i see you flashing but i can't

hear you i can't hear you to restart skype man i want to choke my balls off at skype i mean

they really dropped the ball in my opinion with the newest version of skype maybe it'll take some

i'm getting used to i don't know maybe it's my fault because i'm using a pretty old pretty

shitty laptop let's do an echo test yeah echo test my favorite kind of test on skype hello

welcome to skype core testing service there you go she we can hear her so we're good so let's try

to reconnect them boys over there conference call what a waste of time hey i hear you jag

hey hey buddy how you doing who else is here milkman uh who else is here just me i think

just me and you who are you talking to then weirdo i'm talking to myself oh okay that's

cool man was on yes i was talking to him we could hear each other okay okay well he'll be

hopefully he'll reconnect here on the new thing we shall see all right how you doing jack what

are you doing tonight i'm doing nothing what time zone are you in boy uh oh you know eastern time

I'm where it's at.

Really?

I thought you were more...

Yeah.

I thought you were at, like,

by, like, the Hoover Dam

and shit like that.

I just saw a video

you did in the Hoover Dam.

Uh, there is a Hoover Dam

in Ohio.

It's not the actual Hoover Dam.

Oh, no wonder it looks so small.

Yeah, I was wondering why

the Hoover Dam's pretty small.

I thought it was...

Yeah, my penis is pretty...

Oh, you're talking about the dam.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, that too.

Who else here?

Anyone else?

Is, uh...

That girl.

That girl's here.

What man is here?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know

Neon's fashion, baby.

And then we got

at Dump Truck Jesus.

Jaiad is over at

Dump Truck Jesus on YouTube.

That's his channel.

Join Dump Truck Jesus.

Maybe it's Jesus Dump Truck.

It's something like that.

It's Jesus in a dump truck.

I'm pretty sure.

Is he going to talk or what, Jaiad?

Come on.

You know, we have limited spots.

It's a very popular show right now.

Maybe he's feeding a baby or something.

Sick.

Or hitting one with a whip.

I mean, belt.

Or changing a baby.

I'm never going to have the problem

with changing a baby

to be because i'm getting a diaper service so nice i'm not having a baby so sick all right

we'll see about that changing days are over nine months later we'll see on a strength here's a

phone call that'll be funny hopefully and that's what we'll call it hello he picked up and stupid

pick up i'll show you i'm sorry but the person you called has a voicemail

stupid ignorant yes hello there he is there he is okay what still chopping in and out or can you

hear me uh oh that's better now you're better now you're better you weren't oh not dwight

fuck you shit damn it he kicked me off the show that one time and i never forgave him no no

dwight died i apologize he's dead dwight's no longer around it's just good ken's fine but

fuck dwight dwight's dead dwight died in an unfortunate mopping accident tonight yeah i

I knew that's how it would go.

Oh, I thought Gary would get him.

I thought Gary did get him last night.

Hey, Milkman, how you doing, man?

What are you doing over there?

Hey, bro, I apologize ahead of time for the poor audio quality, dude.

It's okay.

All right.

No problem.

It's good.

So who we got?

Hey, Happy New Year, everybody.

Happy New Year, Milkman.

You too.

Everybody.

All right, so that's Milkman, my co-

I love you.

Who else is here?

Big Dwight here, our favorite sexual offender.

Jag TV.

Yo.

uh jaya doesn't say anything favorite sir i'm sorry that was up is trainer really

connected or is he trying to connect yeah oh wow it's train wreck yeah hello guys

oh good to hear from you sir glad to be back glad to be back

all right well hello guys guys hi say hi okay uh we got a four-wheeler and bicycle for sale

Yeah. I will play 15, 10 to 15 minutes worth of music after every midnight, starting with mine.

Coxima lately, 47 minutes.

Hello. No one is available to take your call.

What do really like conservative Christian types do? Do they go to church? Is there a party there, you think?

I would not know.

I thought you would. You seem like you're an R, you know?

An R?

Three, two, one.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm a libertarian.

I don't know what my parents are.

I don't care.

They're apathetic.

Apathetic means they don't give a shit.

Here's a 2001 Kawasaki Bayou.

Trainwreck, are you out of school now?

Like, are you doing like speed courses where you're on all year?

Oh, no, no.

I finished.

I just passed my final exam and now I'm on my way to university.

All right.

You got a high school diploma.

All right, man.

That is right.

No, no, no, no.

That's true.

No one is available.

Get out.

Well, you got to do better than Jose.

so you gotta yeah at least get some i'm gonna start talking let me try that number again three

two seven two rapid two three two nothing xbox one game rise for sale we got some carding numbers

let me do this one and we'll do that we'll do that after this which can be okay rise the game

rys this is regina please leave a message thank you regina regina regina regina

Giant.

Giant's Thug Life.

Hey, thank you, Ongselo, for all those links.

Ong.

Dr. Hog.

Hog.

Dr. Pee-po.

Dr. Pee-po?

You think Pizza Hut Hawaii's open?

Let's find out.

Goddammit!

What happened with?

Hi, trainwreck.

Hello, Neon.

How are you?

Fine.

Happy New Year.

Hillock said he wanted to join, and he never did.

Did I add him?

Probably.

He's been messaging me.

Whoops.

Add Matt.

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut.

At Mike's.

Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance,

and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

One of you do, because for some reason I don't have him as a contact now.

You can get a large.

My contacts keep dropping out.

Re-copying our specialty pizza for $13.50 each when you buy two.

That's Mike the Donnie.

Or try our medium cares deal.

That's two medium cares, up to two toppings on pizza for $19.98.

We still have...

Here we go.

There we go.

One.

My bad.

Whoa.

Yeah, you're right.

Am I the only one who can hear him twice?

I hear everyone twice.

Oh, yeah?

Hi, thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

This is Chelsea.

Can I start off with a phone number, please?

Um...

Hello?

Phone 1-808-653-201.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Huh?

Your phone number it away six five two one two. Oh one four. I'm sorry six five two two

Oh one four two. Oh one four. Yes for a pickup or delivery, sir

Okay

Pick up pick up our location pop a peak road

And oh, hold on. Hold on. Can you hear it? Do you hear the chicken?

I'm in the bathroom right now in the Taco Bell

Hello Taco Bell.

Anyway, I would like to order a large pepperoni and cheese.

Sorry sir, what did you want to pick up?

A large pizza.

Hold on one moment sir.

Are you having trouble hearing trainwreck?

It's cutting out of my energy.

Is it Tim?

What the fuck is that noise?

What's going on?

That sounds like a Spencer's gift machine.

It's puking.

What's the noise man?

Oh my god, it's a brain toy and when you squeeze it, it makes fart noises for some reason

So you guys

Yeah, no, no

Listening I think so. My name is Mama continue with your day. You guys are placing an order

Okay, I love you too

You're faking my nuts.

Yeah, it is bad quality.

Now the echo started.

Oh, my God.

I can't hear anybody.

It's like choppy.

I'm about to end my own life.

Don't end your lives, guy.

I'll keep trying to work on it.

In the meantime, I'll call them back.

Looking for redemption.

What the fuck?

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut.

Hawaii's best.

Your call will be recorded for quality assurance and a customer service.

Better yet, you can get a lot.

Is it better yet?

What the fuck?

I think it went away.

Alright, we all just need to calm down.

Yeah, turn right.

Yeah, shut up.

Why are you yelling my name?

Smoke some weed.

That's not a weed.

Are you been drinking all dual or something?

This takes me a while.

Hi, this is Gaynel.

Can I start with your telephone number, please?

Yes, my phone number is 642-283.

8014-642-2014.

7849.

I'm sorry?

7849.

So, 642-784.

8015 colon 2.

I'm sorry?

Colon 2, port 20.

Sorry?

Port 20.

At yahoo.com.

Yay, Jack.

Why didn't you watch?

Yay.

Thought you wanted our email address.

Mahalo for choosing pizza at Hawaii's Best.

Your call will be recorded.

for quality assurance it's a hot meal sorry guys hi thank you for calling pizza hut this is someone

can i start off with your phone number hi charlotte hello yeah hi it's charlotte hi hi

hello yeah it's charlotte yeah you need a phone number one second when do you take it i

don't want this tell your brand his house you need pizza screaming your name guys i painted

myself in the corner with charlotte and i don't want to do it okay yes you were a train thank you

I'm sorry. I was listening to one of your feed like on YouTube it auto-start or something like that

So I was hearing like you

Close that pretty little mouth boy. You won't need it where you're headed

Just say it to me because I was the only one

Me fucking

Sounds like rubber Johnny. Yeah, bitch. Are you still there? I'm ready for my order, dude

I wouldn't I had such a hard time getting that old book DVD version of that because they

Printed in some kind of slow

Hurry up trying to celebrate the new year with my family

Damn it. It's a piece. This is one of the busiest pizza days of your know that oh, yeah

Yeah, Tamagotchi was getting one way earlier, and they were saying, like, get over an hour for it.

Sick price.

Yeah, I never thought about that, Nova. That's actually kind of an honor.

I think it's only this is Matt.

A motherfucker to his face. Hey, how's it going? I'd like to order a pizza.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Do you love me?

Hello?

Sir, I'm trying to order a pizza. Who are you playing on the phone?

He's just like, are you playing on my phone?

I don't like nobody

playing on my phone.

Do what now? Say what now?

That was silly.

Car ding. You guys want to do car dings?

I got it for Brad. Brad doesn't want

to do them because they're too close to home.

Oh, fuck yeah.

He gave you his neighbor's numbers, probably.

Get out of there, bro.

Ooh, those neighbors

have a super tracer.

Uh-huh.

Hang on.

Yeah, I did your fucking car.

Weird, think you're from Chattanooga or something?

I was out here on fucking vacation.

I done did that piece of shit.

You should have kept it over in your area.

Area?

I'm nice enough to leave a note, though.

God damn it.

Somebody call my name?

That'd be great, too.

Good lucky I left you a fucking note.

I'm here.

I'm just logging into an account so I can log in.

I don't mean to be a cocksucker motherfucker and make you feel stupid, but it's 3.141592.

Idiot.

God, Jack, you're stupid ignorant.

9-2-6.

Yeah.

3-1-4.

There's a 6-9 in there somewhere.

The next digit was 6.

He went out far enough, but 6 was the next one.

You went out far enough.

Yeah, it is.

Go to school.

And then kindergarten.

Yeah, Banchode.

What is the ratio?

What's that ratio?

Huh?

What's that a ratio?

In a ratio?

A ratio.

I didn't get the numbers.

A ratio.

He's saying it's a ratio of pi.

It's a ratio of a circle.

Yeah, it's pi.

I tried circle to

vacuumer. It's a ratio.

GigaWatt.

GigaWatt, man, is so drunk.

It's easy as pi!

A, B, C.

It sounds like someone's like, an old man fell over.

It sounds like you guys are exercising demons

or something.

he's trying to reach his life alert dude like how could i not buy this thing it was oh my god

so choppy right now well yeah it kind of sounds like you got the runs dude is it a pooter train

is it battery powered is a battery as a bird yes and why are you why do you hate jack vale so much

dude fucking weirdo christian hey man that's fucking the goddamn uncle they're getting their

own tv show now what i don't i don't really that's gonna be lame they're christians i hate

a christian i'm gonna fart everywhere your call will be recorded for quality them i'm gonna

fart in the elevator why do you like him so much you can get a large three topping or i don't like

him so much but you hate him so much when you buy two like it's disproportionate i like for him and

i like um like some of the things i would even like but everything i think you're coming from

such this weird christian thing like we're just messing with these mongrels they're not going

let's just fuck with these people because we go to heaven so yeah i don't know how'd you know i

I hated him so much

I just wrote one thing

because you said

yeah I saw that today

and I was like damn

and I heard you say this

so I'm like

he really has it out

from back then

thank you for holding

you know

cash

visa

I just

I hate a Christian

you know

you'll love his daughter

prepaid credit cards

I don't know

did I already ask you Jack

but have you been to

one of those VidCons yet

at all

I have not

I want to though

it'd be interesting

oh

why

I want to do a

A PLA meetup at Cedar Point with like Dwight and Katie and I think Neon, you're near there?

No.

Someone else was near there.

I'd go.

We could get a wheelchair and we can go get like right in front of all the things.

It's got a wheelchair as close as two.

They've got a lot of them.

Let me tell Ryan speaking, can you cut it off for the phone number?

Yeah, it's 212-2014, port 22.

What's that, 212?

two two oh one four yeah it's gonna be a delivery port 22 extension 5252 what is

the address access code is 2272 did you give him a port port address damn it

Mike I can't believe you removed me as a contact and then added me again that's

pretty sure you removed me as a contact I did not I would never do that

okay okay i'll be the jerk this time

i think i uh if i did i didn't mean to it's all good i i deleted the uh

the new carlito account the other day oh thanks i saw that yeah remember i was talking dude i was

like in one i thought it was a fake fuck you dude i heard you on the air too like i get man

Man, I get so many fuckers coming at me.

Yeah, hi, how are you?

Good.

Happy New Year, motherfucker.

Yay.

Yeah, motherfucker.

We wanted to come down there.

We got a whole bunch of guys, and we'll do a lot of tips.

We'll do a lot of tips, you know?

And a girl.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there's some broad here.

She's the spit rose thing.

She's going to be doing a spit rose show.

Listen, what are your drink specials?

Because if not, we're going to go somewhere else.

We'll go to Charlotte's place.

All right, go for it.

Sounds like I don't need you here anyway.

What are your specials motherfucker

We're the specials I said you don't want to say because we have a woman. This is a gay place

I think you're kind of disrespectful. Why don't you ask you like a gentleman? I'll put someone else on who's a gentleman

What are the specials their dick lips?

is mr mark funny mike so what did you do with your 100 that you won tell them your guy incognito

hello i am a guy incognito i am a totally different guy what are your alcohol specials

this evening how have you talked to my cop your cock oh my god

can i name my cock we'll put him down we'll talk to him we'll see maybe we can

That was a come on over, fuck that.

You think you're so bad?

Are you cut? Are you cut?

You're the one working on New Year's Eve, you idiot.

Are you is are you cut or uncut?

He said, yeah, it's a big bunch of

fucking people.

Are you totally like, I don't know why.

I was told not to look at his body parts.

Let me get my carving.

I'm incognito, incognito.

Carlito Carlito.

Carlito.

Hi, there you go.

Say my name again.

Say my name.

Nobody's around.

I know the audio's clipping.

I don't really care.

I'm gonna cut you inside and rape you.

Wigglyfield, may I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm with the Academy Boys.

We're out of Russia.

With who?

The Academy Boys.

We're out of Russia.

Ooh, Academy.

Yeah.

Yeah. So, uh, what are your drink specials there?

What?

Maybe she knows that.

That's good.

Let's get business.

You think she knows what the academy is?

That's a real call.

I'll call.

I hope they don't get any business night specials.

Yeah.

Just say you are definitely not the academy boys. You're an entirely different person.

We are entirely different people.

There we go. That's what I'm talking about.

Ridley Field, may I help you?

Yes. Hi, we are totally different people.

Well, we are the hot cops.

George is the boy.

You know what?

No, I don't know what, motherfucker.

Call somebody else.

No, you're bullshit.

You're bullshit.

Fuck you, cunt bitch.

You guys, I was going to take that call.

You suck.

You didn't call it.

I'm not a guy.

I'm a girl.

Shut up, dad.

Did you call it?

What did you say to me?

The milkman's gone.

You got to call.

You got to get a life because you got to learn how to call it.

I gone too.

Did they say that was Wrigley Field?

Yeah.

I think that's just a name.

Oh, no. Bye, Neon.

Oh, bye.

What's up?

Boo-hoo.

Mansus is what's up.

I'll take one.

Wreck the one lovely lady here.

All right, Jagas.

Excuse me, I'm here.

Jagas is a girl picture.

He's a pussy.

Yeah, I'm a...

Shit, everyone's dropping like flies.

Milkman's gone now.

You said that like five minutes ago.

You know how his connection is, man.

Yeah.

No, I don't.

if if the certain breeze comes off the ocean yeah it's true it's true a little special so like

at any point he starts licking his phone and then he just drops signal he hits the hangout button

he's eating it he doesn't do that he's not a he's not a window licker he's a phone licker

oh that's better right yeah yeah yeah he didn't take me as a particularly handicapped it's good

because he's acting the part

I don't know

maybe high as a motherfucker

I've been pretty

I've never licked a phone

the worst thing you could probably do

like a payphone, the receiver on it

how much

do you do for that right now

if I said like, I don't know, $2,000

would you do it?

just a YouTube clip

or $1,000

Would you do it for you'd lift the receiver on a but like back in the 90s still when they were still used it

I met fucking a lot

You do it for a dollar

Things like me and a friend had like a thing like who'd eat the grossest shit school

And then I finally won like eating this old the fucking bloody tampon in the field

Shoot on it and then my friends called the contest off

They said it was going to be weird.

That is unbelievably awesome.

Hey, Giant!

Giant made it. Hey, Giant.

Quotes by Matt Hillock.

I'm just really gross.

Hey, Giant, how you doing?

Not bad. A little drunky.

Hey, everybody.

He called me the N-word.

He sent me a private message. He said,

you N-word, Happy New Year.

Did he actually

type out N-word?

No, I was censoring it

everybody knows i'm a i'm a uncontrollable racist so yeah he put he put n word in quotes

look at look at this look at this website that my friend found this week i was going to save

it for when i do a show but maybe we could have fun with it tonight it's called pornmd.com live

search and if you go there it's all the live searches that people are currently doing right

right now hello skinny anal jayden james xxx hd went to y off on that um that's creepy

star trek what's the puts pruie lol it hurts

how's that important search oh mommy birthday present son son

hey motherfucker how are you happy new year yeah

sex scene yeah hey uh korean blood dj savage can we find out what drink sets uh drink specials you

got there damn it uh 3d western tune song girl hey listen i'm gonna put my friend on he's just

gonna name true danish class what's wrong with you guys jesus christ i'm gonna try and do a call

and you guys keep saying do it again we're reading all right listen hey listen listen listen all right

i'm gonna mute no read them again but this time i'm gonna tell the guy that these are drinks that

you want okay okay there's a penis i'm muting you because you know i won't pick up wild wings

coventry this is jen how can i help you hey honey baby how are you happy new year i'm sorry happy

new year i'm gonna put my friend thank you happy new year i'm gonna put my my friend on here and

he's gonna ask to see if you can make these drinks and we're gonna go down there it's a whole bunch

bunch of us and we're gonna get give you a lot of money yeah i can barely hear you your phone's

cutting out i'm putting my friend on your phone keeps cutting fuck you can you hear me can you

hear me can you hear me i don't think she can hear anyone anymore uh underwater cream pie

yeah those are what's the stage come what the hell wait oh how do you how do you do

underwater cream pie that's that's a grandpa beats friend daughter well dude if it's inside

like you're crazy do you know what a cream pie is yes yes of course you can do that underwater

yeah but not all yeah hey how you doing happy new year good i'm gonna put my friend on he's got uh

he's gonna ask to see if he can make certain drinks for us and if he can we're bringing down

like 30 people to come spend a lot of money okay all right here he is see if you can you got a

bartender is that what you got to do oh yeah we have a bartender so can we ask him if he can make

these special drinks please um jesus give me the names or i can all right here listen are you ready

yeah all right here it's fox yep how about a muslim hijab what about granny a black asian

whore then or a sloppy teen blowjob uh bukkake party lolly bad cock

a scene condom

lesbian ass eating

old gash grandma

bbw erica

banging in boys room

teenage 16

oh that's underage don't make that drink

alps with fuckers

family webcam

ebony masturbation

funny hentai

you got the

underwater cream pies

eyes uh uh nigger wriggly field buffalo wild wings and fuck you p desperation cream by creamy

wet pussy fuck angry volleyball for some agni angry pregnant can you make an angry pregnant

you guys got that kind of vodka sister dough do you have the uh the the cunt flap cocktail

a leg showing car squirting pussy you everybody serves the squirty pussy i shouldn't even have

to ask or my grandma versus mom relax nasty gay anal slave orgasm oh yeah i i don't know about

any of those but i gotta planet of the apes for that get your dirty hands off me

A Morgan Freeman

A girl finger

A penis

A Filipino anal

It's in a pill

Holy shit

That's fun

I'm surprised he listened

That's a great thing for you to do in the future

You gotta do these drinks

I wonder how many of these

I've typed in before

Have you guys ever

Done the Wikipedia

name your band thing or if you just hit random page in wikipedia the front page of it you have

to name your band whatever comes up and it's actually really that's a good idea it's really

cool actually you actually get some pretty cool names you just keep doing it like ugly americans

ugly americans see i love it it never fails within three within three you'll find you can

find the perfect name for a band that doesn't take this sounds right up my alley raver ecstasy alt

mouth mouth ass twat fuck there's a lot going on in those four words a slave a slave orgasm

would be fucking yeah carlito in the uh skype chat i put a bunch of numbers of people that'll

pick up drunks from their parties and take them home like they're advertising that they'll do that

they're facebookers they're like hey if you've been drinking like you'll give me a call and i'll

i'll take you home like for free oh shit okay yeah like a uber type of shit but like for the

for the new year's yeah but it's just facebook it's like this one's like if you need a sober

ride home give us a call and they put their number we gotta ask them a whole night they're

probably rapey rapey people that's a good point that's a good point man if you were a rapist this

would be your night they're saying they're friends though right hey yeah they're saying

If any young people need a ride home tonight, I'll be happy to do it.

We've got less than 15 minutes until the new year.

And the East Coast, I'm going to continue.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, Milkman, what are you doing?

Hey, that sounds like a torch.

I just saw Faye Reagan instruction, and I know exactly what video they're talking about.

What video?

Faye Reagan Instruction.

It's a Faye Reagan JOI.

You guys want to do that again?

Because that was kind of funny.

That was.

Just so you guys know, if you hit refresh, you get a whole new list rolling.

Because after a while, it just starts looping your list.

Yeah, just try not to talk over each other.

Right, right.

Let's take turns.

Okay.

Yeah, make it a little more organized.

Yeah.

Explain it to us, though.

Don't make up your own.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, we want to come down there and do some drinking.

Can we ask if you have some certain drinks that you can make for us?

Can we ask if...

Oh, fuck you.

Fucking whore.

I ain't doing that.

You're too busy.

So, Giant, are you drinking for Loco again?

No.

I drink 24-ounce Corona and then two 25-ounce Bud Lights.

Nice.

I haven't had one in a while.

i'm actually starting to get tired i'm old i'm old i would call that a late breakfast buddy

i believe you i see your pictures of your breakfast yeah so it's like some

fucking nice fruit and then cheap beer big butt gay boy 14 939 for some reason

uber thumbs that we scooby-doo oh there's a there's a new bonnie rotten nice i like her

she was on getting dug with high the other day getting dug with high is that what he calls it

yeah that's great i need more bar numbers bonnie run was on there and then i went and did a few

searches for her she's cool i'll get some for you carlito so hopefully we can find at least one more

lesbian dude

dad and daughter

I see one that says

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

how is that a real

yeah hi

we wanted to come down and do some drinking but

can I put my buddy on he has a list of

a few cocktails we want to see

if your bartender knows how to make

or that you guys could make

we're so busy right now you're just going to get the basics

anyways

can I just put him on

and he can ask you real quick?

Dude, we're crazy in here.

Here he is, here he is, go ahead.

I have to fucking play

if I can make up my own fucking mind

and do what I want to do, okay?

So no, I'm not playing your fucking game.

Squirt rotten female best.

There's one that's awkward.

I shit you not, I'm screenshotting it.

Nice.

Dan, that guy must hate his fucking job.

He's like...

If I can start searching things

and they'll pop up on here,

I wonder if it's that legit.

I searched Dick Jag TV.

I wonder what site it uses.

What site does it come off of?

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

It's thepornmd.com.

How does the squirt go past the fist anyway?

No, no.

I'm saying what is it pulling the things?

Oh, it's from the site called PornMD.

I think so.

I don't know for sure.

My buddy showed me this, and I was just like, this is hilarious.

because i've never heard of uh carlito yeah yeah we're calling a karaoke place and jaya do the

first one he showed you it all right jay that's the first one i agree to agree yeah yes and the

rest he gets all of them yeah let's do that like take turns doing all of you yes hello yeah we're

in town and we wanted to come down for new year's can we ask if you can make a few of these cocktails

Cocktails are not common.

We want to see if you have what they take to make.

What kind of cocktail is that?

Go ahead, Jyatt.

Upskirt, Sarah?

No, we don't have that.

Okay.

Do you got Louie Love Pregnant?

No.

Bareback Big Dick?

No.

How about Lesbian Fuck Sky?

That's not amazing.

That's just vodka and orange juice, man.

Lesbian Fuck Sky.

You guys should have that, right?

Well, we call that the Screwdriver.

Oh, okay.

The things are just different there.

Okay, how about gay dads?

sons well what's in that one um there's a little bit of uh dad and then a whole lot of sun how

about how about bbc hate that one's whiskey and orange juice by the way i love that what's

in that uh the same thing that's in a uh twinks blow job it's like the same drink what's in that

okay some solo milf uh my cherry crush uh milking table um

Um, chair leg insertion.

And then you just shake it up

while you're looking at webcam dance skirt.

It's brutal slapping, choking, punching.

I want the drink called digital insertion.

Brutal slapping, choking, punching isn't necessary,

but if you don't do that,

then you have to do the busty squirts

or the Japanese mom-son.

Glory hole orgy.

You guys do have a glory hole,

so we can go there and have a glory hole orgy, right?

What's in that, sir?

how about a couple dicks and some holes in the partitions a little bit of meccles yeah it's

pretty simple rather than you guys telling me all these types of changes and then you just got to

spit on the dick a little bit when it comes through yep you do okay you have drinks do you

have piss drink public how about how about twink twink with big cock those are always delicious

oh you just said that earlier oh that was whistling twinkies earlier how about how about

about ugly teen yeah everybody has an ugly teaser japanese daddy it's gonna have sake

harper dildo you just put it right in there and getting a boner how about the batman

ex-girlfriend homemade at least these are max hardcore extreme like i guarantee i've typed

some of these that fantasy hand job i'm sure dad you got through 20 of the 22 of those solo

The ones you read out.

I think we should make

like a game out of it.

Let's call it a show, but...

We could.

We kind of are.

Yeah, we could.

You've got a lot of ideas

like you're trying to take over.

Except it's until the New Year's.

I don't know if you had

something planned.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have anything planned

All I have planned is to do 13 to 15 minute

Breaks every time we hit midnight

For the next four instances

And we're coming up in about

I think we got about 7 minutes left

Oh my dick is hot

Big 15 POV

I know some of these searches

Are hot

Yeah like gay fucking machines

Japanese toilet

Talk

With Neon you're in LA

Do you watch the ball drop and you're like

Shit I got another three hours who cares

Right or

Fuck no I got another three hours who cares

That's exactly

What she was like dude

Fuck it

They never do a west coast one

West coast

Fuck yeah

All they do out there is set fires and shit at midnight

They shoot guns in the air there

Yeah they have a little PSA telling us

Not to do that shit dude

It's all over Puerto Rico

what goes up does come down

some woman in Detroit

was shot

you've got more shooting over there I'm sorry Jaya

go for it

some lady in Detroit like last

year was sitting in a living room and shot

off their guns

so this year they're like no shoot

the guns and I'm like yeah the people in Detroit

give a shit about what you have to say

yeah

well the population has gone down so much chances are

you're not going to hit anybody

yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's like a third of what it used to be now.

There's some shit like that.

It's crazy the abandonment's out there.

We need to go set up a compound, yo.

They say it was...

Some of the $250 houses.

It was the metropolis that the United States never needed.

You had New York with the financial center.

You had L.A., the shipping, and the entertainment center.

Then you had Chicago right in the middle and right with the Great Lakes.

and then detroit kind of evolved out of one industry which was the audio industry and that

once that failed forget it yeah well that and that spread if you were going to buy any kind

of car part sometime in 80s up to mid 90s yeah yeah and anytime before that it was going to be

from michigan probably but now they've actually the whole plan has been to spread it all over

for logistics reasons and so now yeah i've got one to interrupt with you porn stars plus cocaine

equals win that was what somebody put in there good god yeah that's a that's amazing okay i think

it's like looping already because i've seen bonnie rot yeah no no you gotta hit refresh you gotta hit

refresh and then this is amazing so real quick another bar before it hits uh midnight here and

i gotta all right so somebody else can take this all right are we calling any places and wishing

them happy lesbian party when i come back we can yeah farting and pooping yeah yeah when i

when the music is done somebody did a search for a cartoon dog some kid didn't know it i'll go next

Hi, how's it going?

I'm sorry, we did that one already.

That was my fault.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All right, Seaside Bar and Grill.

I'll do the lead in.

Okay.

Black Banana might be a good drink.

Black Banana. Gaping Moms.

Crack Whore Anal.

Fuck Whore School Prop.

Hello, yes. Yes, sir. Hi.

We're going to come down there and do some drinking for New Year's.

Can we ask if you do certain

and drinks though there's a few that we want to know some cocktails can we ask you listen we

wanted to ask you the name of some cocktails to see if you have if you make them there oh okay

okay all right go ahead jag hi i'm the picky one sorry i was wondering if you made uh pain

it's called pain that's it okay so my score is one jag loses fucking pain has 22 yeah but how

How many are from a list?

Did you read a list, Jaiad?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just reading straight from the website.

Is that by real?

Yeah, what happened?

You got disconnected?

Excuse me, what?

Did you get disconnected?

My buddy was asking to see if you have these drinks that you can make.

All right, go ahead, Jag.

Yeah, I'm just seeing if you guys would make the names of these.

If you want to know what's in it, I can tell you.

The first one was pain.

It's like orange juice and scotch.

I don't know if you guys made that.

I think it's better to go too late.

Right, I'm just asking these.

You've got to help me win here.

um how about jerk off instructions jli videos for the win or uh miss zola you make miss zola

it's like a watermelon fruit juice okay so hey i guess this is good skinny red bone i think that's

i got three total well you did pretty good yeah that's pretty good all right whatever you know

all right well we're down to a fucking minute yeah we're down to 45 seconds i got it right here

sink to the atomic world clock i'm gonna go get their firecrackers the tv is lying then

yeah well we're yeah you might be on delays how long you got left we're hitting 30 seconds now

41 41. all right well we're going to go online because of the number yeah i love jerk off

instructions yeah i can't believe you've never typed that in joi videos man really what yeah

j-o-a jerk all right we're 10 9 8 7 6 5 adjusting for correction 3 2 1 and happy new year

east coast happy new year and then we're about 58 minutes away from new year's and

says the central standard time zone which includes chicago who else is in central time chicago i

I don't know. That's all I know.

That's it.

Louisiana?

Apparently the upper peninsula of Michigan is central.

I learned that one day.

Is that Detroit or no?

No, no. In the UP

towards the left side of it, apparently

part of it falls into central

because I got fucked on a trivia question one day.

It was like, what time zone is

Michigan? And I'm like, well, it's easier.

We're in the fucking eastern time zone.

It was like, nope, that is incorrect.

It is eastern and central.

And I was like, what the fuck?

and it was all yellow me okay major central time zones acapulco

amarillo texas austin well all of not all of texas that's split i think baton rouge austin

uh we got called jdf what's that motherfucker happy dude chicago des moines iowa uh fargo

North Dakota. Green Bay, Wisconsin.

New Bed, Chicago.

Mobile, Arizona.

Arizona. Mobile, Arizona. Yes.

Mobile, Arizona, guys.

I love Gatacón Leche.

Who's with us still? So we still got Jag, Neon,

Awkward, and Dwight. Milkman dropped.

Mike, the Donnie's here. Did we lose Jaiad?

He had to go? Jaiad was fed.

He is drunk as he is. Oh, wow.

What happened to Matt? He's coming up on New Year's.

He said he'll be back. Okay, good, good.

Alright, well, let's get to some more pranks.

What are we doing now? Dwight, what number is your gift card?

I got those numbers still in the regular Skype chat here of people offering rides home.

Yes, that's right.

All right.

Do you know what coast they're in?

Just what time zone they're in?

That'd be a city thing?

No, let me click on their Facebook real quick.

That's probably the easiest way to figure it out.

Can you also resend them?

Can you copy paste them to me?

Yeah, I'll transfer them.

Our first one's California.

All right.

So we got some.

Well, we can still do it.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

yeah just got to get a feel for how drunk how early i got you know it's the case he's battered

life sucks cocks he got drunk and my piss was yellow my piss was yellow i thought that was

trademark for a second i was like what the fuck anyway uh in the meantime i'll they're there

they're there okay i see him all right karen's the first one and she's offering a free ride home

all right let me let me look to see what city she's in so i know where you know when she goes

where are you coming or where are you going to be at?

She's in Oakley, California.

And I'd like to say

fuck you Gary Brodsky for not doing a show

tonight. I wanted to wish him, like Neon

said, a happy Jew New Year.

Happy Jew Year.

He really does have the Jew look.

Well, he's Jewish. He's a Jew. I know.

I heard that thing the other day when

they were telling this girl, Matt was on the show

and they were saying, okay, it's 1945

and there's a pile of dead people.

900 of them.

the nancy the nancy mystery and the chick was like uh is there fingerprints on the gun

wow matt goes wow i kept i kept trying to rape her like the whole prank

he never said rape though one one of her tits is a b cup the other one's a d

guys listen that was so funny listen all right so we're calling from the mormon church the church

of latter-day saints christ of latter-day saints in this town i'm changing the id to that we could

i'm just going to say that we're there right i heard they throw a fucking whip oh no worries

yeah that was some crazy shit you just did oh this is the wrong number now

the wrong one hang on there too loud sweet next one is dan dan this stream by sexy scene emotine

he's in detroit yeah hi we need a ride home we need a ride home ain't gonna happen not in

california yeah well it's my this guy that's with us she said give you a call he said call you that

you could take us home because i'm not i'll be right i'll be right there you're dan right yeah

yeah well this guy here i guess he knows you and he said that we could get a ride from you

who is this guy uh let me put him i don't know hey you guys know who he is hey it's scott who

it's scott kowalski who is this it's scott arthur's arthur's with me he said he said you

get it you put it on the facebook you're gonna do ride homes yeah all right sir we're over here

at the casino sweet go get us we're over here at mgm you come get us or no god damn it

no hurry i'm on an hourly rate asshole yeah we'll let you this hooker that we got

too he said you offered to pick up anybody who needed help tonight and if not we're going to

get behind and we're all drunk and we're going to have accidents and not only kill ourselves

kill innocent people maybe even you know your number's the last one in there yeah i don't

even know who any of you are i'm bob do you need to know us i'm cross we're just partying with this

guy he said we've been oh man where's the love seriously hello matt yeah that's right welcome

back paul has been forwarded to an automated voice he said you to us i did not say you

No, no, the guy.

Oh, that guy.

What the f*** is that?

It's the first of the month.

Oh, that's another.

I have to get my money.

The third of the month.

My disability.

Shut up.

He won't pick up the phone.

All right, we'll do the next one then.

That was kind of fun.

Here's John Cack.

Cack.

I love John Cack.

Cack.

Probably got lip cack.

Let me get a taco with that cack.

Yeah.

Yeah, shut your car door and give me that

cat. I'm going to give you the cat attack.

Hey, can I dragon

Roy Boob? Roy

Boob? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, her.

Yeah.

No, no.

Roy Boob is a

guy I call that.

Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah, bring him in.

As long as he's under control.

Keep him under control.

Just wish him a happy

New Year, man. Alright, you guys talk to Keck.

This isn't cock. This is Roy Boob.

oh no it is first of the month hello hey hey it's danny i need a ride home what it's danny i need a

ride you need a ride well yeah yeah i i got like three of my friends and we're we're fucking drunk

hang out i gotta ask him i don't know where the fuck he got one of the man hey where the fuck are

we oh he's throwing up hey you guys come and get it so we don't gotta drive this truck right

We drove the truck

and it broke down.

It broke down.

I think it's because

we hit this fucking

light post.

Are you supposed

to be puking blood like that?

Hey, hey.

I gotta piss so bad.

We're by the Walmart.

I was in the parking lot and I hit a lamp

post and we need a ride.

Yo, Mr. Cat, can you pick us up or what?

Yeah, at the Walmart.

Yeah, I hit the lamppost this fucking they came out of nowhere. Yeah one month. Yeah

From there's there's three. There's four of us all together

Okay, what's your car have barf bags and what shotgun I call check?

You asshole call trunk. I'm gonna puke in the glove box. I think dude

i can hold it john we don't we don't need to call the cops about me hitting

this lamppost do we can we just go tell them i don't know tell them that i

was taking i pulled my pants down to take a and i did it

but the pants were right under me and i thought i missed them but i

did not miss uh he said his pants he wasn't even wearing them

oh

what is that what this vato got the hershey scores hurry up i can't drive

only drive the penis oh shit john john okay the cop the cops just showed up listen the plan is

i'm gonna tell him that you were driving right and you you had to go you had to go talk to the

tow truck guy you were driving mr cock was yeah anyway no no it's me dude tell him i'm a

no fist john was driving he's on his way back he had a tow truck he had to get told mr cock

was driving and he'll be back in a minute just yeah yeah you gotta help you gotta help me out

john this is my second one is he coming or is he coming i don't know no don't pour i'm not

pouring that beer out off he came in that beer no and that shit go away

I'm gonna piss in this bottle and throw it out the window

like a car bomb, fuck it

oh, it's super yellow

and it was all yellow

sorry, are you coming or not?

it smells like piss in here

my name is Richard Fist, I'm with my friends

do what i'm i'm the only one who can drive uh but i don't have a license so um you're gonna

have to come pick us up do what so he made me drive because he didn't have a license but i've

been drinking right i'm it's only safe that he drove me because i didn't want to get pulled over

you know i can't go back to prison unwillingly oh you like a uber guy excuse me sir richard the

fist is here richard the fist and you ain't on that dui list you just got told that was a good

one girlfriend you coming to the walmart oh look at it dude look at the fucking lamp it's like

flickering and there's sparks and shit coming out of it oh my god that's a lot of voltage to

make arcs that big you gotta hurry for some reason richard richard mcbeath is like throwing

on a blood and even the internal injuries, maybe I don't know.

Yeah, there's two Richards, though.

I'm the I'm the straight one.

He's the gay one.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Whoa, whoa, pump.

Yeah, way too much to fucking drink.

You are fucked up, bro.

Hey, is this ride coming?

Hey, hey, I bet you guys I can walk out into there.

I bet you I could dodge traffic here.

Take the phone.

I'm a go.

I'm a dodge these motherfuckers.

I bet you can do it, too.

Just I could I could do it.

I could do it.

Hey, I just let him walk into traffic.

You're being such a bitch Oh

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Is Mr. Cock here still?

Mr. Cack, are you here?

John Cack.

Mr. Lip Cack.

Are you coming?

Also, are you arriving to come pick us up?

Yeah, I'm at the parking lot now.

You must be at the wrong one, because I don't see you.

Pop the flare.

Pop the flare real quick.

I can't see you.

Hop the horn.

We'll find you.

I'm so glad he didn't get hit by a car.

Hop the horn.

That's him.

That's him. That's him. That's him. That's him. That's him. Hey, we're over here

Where honk your horn? It's us. Oh, yeah

Try honking I can't hear you

Where am I?

I'm in the parking lot. Dwight's playing in traffic. We got Rachel over here just sitting crisscross applesauce

I kind of see her pussy lips and it's kind of sure make you jump jump

jump being in a stream and mike's here but he hasn't said anything yet he's a little shy hey

how you doing my cock he's totally crossed out though yeah and then mr rockward he's here

not to look at my big penis but he's doing it i see him i'm a cock snuggler all right well

where are you at you're not even here bro

What? What Walmart are you at? You didn't even ask what Walmart. Is there one Walmart?

He left us.

There's only one Walmart.

What?

There's only one Walmart.

What kind of car are you driving?

There's Walmarts in every city. Which one are you at? Are you at the one with the Starbucks

or the one with the McDonald's?

The one I'm at.

Oh.

Well, then you're at the wrong one. We're not at that one, so you're still liable

for our well-being, so you need to come to this one.

Fucking asshole.

hole we're all up and you're at the wrong uh walmart he made a verbal contract

yeah you made a verbal contract man i thought you knew this i thought you knew this guy man i thought

he was on the up he's a stupid this guy is ignorant i i i vouched for you now you're

making me look like a you're looking like a dude he's the only way out of here he's the only

fucking Uber. He's our only way out of here. Stop!

Alright, go on. He's a good guy.

Now tell him nice.

I'm gonna get out of here.

We're all gonna tell him one nice thing.

You smell good over the phone.

Oh wait, that's just awkward.

Come to the other Walmart,

bro. You're at the Walmart.

I don't like you feel soft.

No, listen, guys. Get back

in the truck. I think I can still drive it.

I'm gonna take you guys to

his fucking house.

He's like hissing it.

on the floor we're gonna sue you you're going down buddy

that was funny we got him all the way to the walmart

he's close to it you know so is there a johnny or is there a walmart with no mcdonald's and

had no Starbucks? There's those small ones

like in the West Coast because there's a lot

of people out there like, we don't want them

in our backyard. They're too big.

I didn't even know Walmart started putting Starbucks in.

Because black people go around

them.

No, I think Target has the Starbucks,

not the Walmart. Walmart

has McDonald's. Sometimes you can see a Subway

maybe. Dunkin' Donuts?

I haven't seen Dunkin' Donuts in there, but yeah, maybe.

I don't know. I know Target's got the

Starbucks, and then they got their own cafeteria.

My Walmart has Subway.

it has a cafe it has a cafe with like five items on a menu dude it's like hot dog like food wise

hot dog hamburger not even hamburger uh hot dog chicken fingers fries just go sit in the target

cafe all day pretzels oh yeah no because i was there i was there yesterday i was hungry i was

hi brad hey brad oh my god oh my god i'm so excited to talk to you not me

someone hang up on jag please so did you go out or are you just busy

i've mostly just been busy but i'm all i i've got um cardings here if you want them

like yeah i'm all set up i can play the messages and everything

yeah we can do if you want happy christmas buddy youtube

too hang on i don't want to do that now then if you got cardings yeah did you get them to me yet

or what's going on uh no i you want me to just play him and i'll paste you the number uh paste

them to me in our im on skype and then if you want you can paste it for everyone else to see

so they know we're on the same page okay easier for me if you send it separate front because the

chat goes up and down a lot so what you're sending in more numbers or no i think i see yeah come over

of those fake ubers the drunk uber guys oh there's a bunch of those that's awesome

that's like if you check dashie's uh facebook tool that's like all that's on there right now

is if you need a ride home call me if you need to ride home yeah it's just people sending that

to their friends like oh i don't want you to get hurt drinking so if you need it don't matter what

you give me a call it's right there you do that's what awkward doesn't know because he didn't have

friends i've never had any sober friends that's weird i'm right here i'm pretty sober people

we were friends but i'm yeah but i'm saying i never like would have someone telling me

Hey, if you're going to go out this night,

be the one you can rely on.

That'd be just weird.

I'd be like, hey, Matt, I'm going to drink this

fucking beer real quick. You need a ride home?

Yeah, it's

weird.

Someone said that to Matt, Matt. You're a fucking square.

Yeah.

Don't talk to me.

What are you, a Nancy boy?

Matt would be mad because he's only...

Come on, that's not enough to hit the square.

Alright, killing it.

The next one is Amanda Pontes.

Amanda Bynes.

She crazy?

Amanda Bynes.

Ah, I like her.

I love her.

Does anyone want to do it?

I liked her a little bit.

If you want it, call it now.

Ma-ha.

Okay.

And I just look crazy.

I like to do rails with her.

I guess she's like, she's doing a big thing.

Bring in the dancing lobsters.

Amanda Bynes.

I want to talk to Amanda.

Is that the crazy bitch or is that the crazy bitch?

Amanda hugging me.

You look crazy with a hug.

All right, Kevin McDonald.

Hi, you've reached Amanda.

Amanda, I can't come to the phone right now.

Please leave.

Amanda, suck it, fuck.

Hugging kiss.

That's what she needs.

That's what she needs, awkward.

That's what she needs.

That's an old fucking Moe Sizzlek.

I'm looking for the hugging kiss.

Yeah, I heard that one.

Because he has to lower the bar, and he told them to lower his standard.

Mine was the modified version.

Hello?

Yeah, for the 90s.

Yeah, hey, listen, it's Cross.

We've been doing a lot of drinking,

and this guy we've been drinking with

he said, Kevin, give us all

you said you'd give us all rides

because we're all drunk. Yeah, where are you guys at?

Where are we at, guys?

Walmart in Canada.

I think it's the Walmart.

In the toy aisle. I don't know where we are.

Hey, Kevin, do you got any more

than fucking Tostitos and like

the Sprite left?

Bring that shit with you. Yeah, we have a ton of food.

Bring it with you.

Oh, sick. Game theory.

Oh, God.

Kevin, do you know anything about Jesus?

Yeah, I know a little bit.

Hey, Kevin.

Do you know the wet bandits?

Bandits?

No.

Do you know the stupid bandits?

Do you know about cars that can't drive a dick?

A loose cipher.

They will steal your soul.

Yeah.

Do you still have the red hot for the door?

Can you tell that car in the background to shut the fuck up, please?

Thank you.

Shut the front door.

her what about life car hand job you know about her so what do you know about jesus i have the

stigmata on my penis hey kevin do you still talk to buzz kevin we need a ride talk to who do you

still talk to buzz i don't know buzz that's your brother how could you say that kevin kevin oh well

i talked to my brother yeah hey kevin you listen that's stephanie that's stephanie you know her

her don't you yeah that's that's stephanie jane that's jeffrey jansen right there she went out

with us tonight she's fucking drunk yeah she's gone but now everyone's straight i was gay but

now i'm straight we decided we needed to go home because she kept like brushing up against people

and offering to suck their dick and i was like it's time to go it's time to go that's only for

granddad freaky yeah speaking of that how are we gonna pay you for the gas no you don't have to

pay me just text me an address and i'll come pick you guys up oh no hey kevin are you home alone

yeah we need to pay you we're all christians yeah okay we'll figure out when i get there

where are you guys at religion hey hey okay did you step on the legos hey you should just hang

up and we'll uh text them the address hey kevin i'm sick of your attitude hang up and text me

your address okay you gotta save me from these people come on kev i'm gonna go play in traffic

i'll see you guys when he gets here wait for me hey handsome i played dodgeball for a living

oh i got my i stubbed my toe i'm not gonna go anymore are you driving as you're on the phone

kevin no i'm waiting to get an address yeah yes so we should hang up and be smart

The address of the Walmart.

Bring the Coke and the fucking Tostitos.

You got salsa?

Can you stop at Taco Bell?

Would you be able to drop me off at my lover's on Newtown?

I'll bring some chips, too.

Text me where you're at.

Stop at Taco Bell.

I want to take you to New Jersey.

Taco Bell, south of the border.

All right, see you guys in a little bit.

Bye.

Love you.

I want some Chinese so I can shit myself.

Hey, text him the fucking Walmart address.

Yeah, that's like we'll teach him.

Then what? What?

Townsend will teach him to be a nice

son of a bitch.

Do you get a weird California?

Hey, I'm looking at where you're going.

I think he's going to come.

He's in Tallahassee in my mouth.

Oh, Tallahassee, Florida.

You think the guy's coming?

That's a dick part of the state.

That's probably Tallahassee, Florida.

he's probably an asshole he went to florida state north florida and uh it's the capital

and that's where florida state is yes florida gay there's lol florida state isn't the gators

there buddy no florida is as much as i know florida state is the um i got parking

I heard.

Oh yeah.

You won one.

I'll give you.

Okay.

Kartings.

I got five.

Okay, bye.

Dicks.

Mmm.

He's going more with the like animal.

No, no, no.

It's like teasing people.

Oh wait, I just get it.

But like a little.

Whoops.

They can't hear me.

I disconnected the thing.

Hang on guys.

I'm sorry.

I disconnected the shit.

Dang.

Uh oh.

Sorry.

god damn it echo echo oh it might be good echo echo okay i'm back yay

i'm a farting brain all right so we got the first card named brad you want to do the honors can you

or you yeah you want me to play it uh yeah play please i'm doing it sorry that's really low let

me let me turn up the volume okay here it goes can you figure out the other numbers uh he got

Brat has it. He put it on mute.

That was the joke.

Oh, yeah?

What did he say?

He said the red...

Carlito, Tabachi's requesting your Skype

information. It's cool to give it to him, right?

Yep, he's good.

Tamagotchi Habachi.

Anyway.

He's a motherfucker.

I've heard things about him.

Well, that's not...

What is this?

I'm sorry, give me a second.

Come on.

We're just on the number two, Brad.

Did you put it in this chat here?

Yeah, I just posted it

in the group chat. Should I post it to you?

Yeah, post it to me.

Yeah, I'm having trouble.

Sorry. I apologize.

Got it. Thank you.

His name's Kyle.

He has a red Taurus, I think he said.

It said red Ford

something.

Red Ford. Yeah, maybe it was a

Ford. It was a Ford Taurus, is what he said.

420.

Place it.

Yes.

Bag it.

You too.

Let me get that back.

I don't need that for now.

Game number seven.

We're sorry.

Your call could not be completed.

Error.

That's the error.

You're going to be caught.

Error 580.

No one answered.

Ball.

Oh, shit.

Got some sriracha.

I'm burning my mouth.

Want another one?

Yeah.

Give me another sriracha.

Why not?

Here goes.

Hello, this is Joe.

I'm Fred Myers here.

and seen your phone number

and you dinged my car

but I can't see

where you dinged it.

That was it.

I like how he laughed

at himself

because what he said

was so funny.

Smart guy.

So did we get

a number on ID then?

Oh, I posted...

Hold on.

Sorry, I posted

to the wrong chat.

There it is.

Sorry to be complicated

but thank you.

That's okay.

Okay, then I'm not.

Your call has been

forwarded to an automatic...

No answer there.

I'll try again.

Jack, drop out.

He doesn't like me

so usually when i come around what's up your call has been forwarded to an automatic

no answer all right so okay how could anybody hate you rbcp oh people do yeah before we continue

we're about oh 16 minutes away from central standard time uh that includes matt matt are

you excited you got any uh any plans for the new year any resolutions sir no no resolutions from

I'm there for squares.

Okay. All right. Good. Good.

All right. How's your walking?

Keep on. It's going good.

Yeah, we got really happy the other day.

The rap is so that it's doing so much better.

That's awesome.

I didn't last time he saw me.

That was fucking dope.

You saw Rafi again?

Yeah. Wow.

Now we're hanging out and walking together.

Can you imagine? Wow.

That too sad.

We we laid near each other in the same room and took naps.

okay he laid on the couch and so adorable and yeah did you spoon no he was a bit no i i told

you the other time he came here i got like i really thought he was gonna be like yo he's

talking about blowing me yeah i was the same way i was a little nervous when he came to my house

came to collect yeah it was fun man it was fun to shit he was there from like

11 in the morning to like six at night wow all right very nice yeah it was good

very nice very nice your favorite musician we got to you got to meet him

it's awesome we made you met before yeah you've met before he's been to your

place before even yeah yeah yeah we made a little youtube video getting a fair

amount of hits i guess i hang up and watch it right now yeah so uh back to

to Prank Calls, eh? What should we do?

You want to try one more? I got one more

ready for you. Hit it.

Screw Prank Calls. Lick

my balls.

Only kill yourself without

them. Here it goes. My name is

John. You left me a note

on my minivan. I appreciate

it very much.

Minivan, sissy.

A lot of that is honest or straightforward

about an accident.

Please, no worries.

It's a seven-year-old minivan.

um he doesn't want to call a few other dings here and there so really uh nothing to worry about um

if you for some reason need to talk to me about it any farther um please give me a call at 503

i like this guy one five one we gotta tell him just appreciate the fact that you left the note

yeah he was calling to compliment you on leaving a note he was calling just to say thank you

We're going to be assholes

He drives a minivan

Yeah, well now we've got to be an asshole

Because there was damage to our car

And since he's

So passive

Since he's passing on us

And claiming liability on us

Scumbag

Because he obviously parked wrong

Insurance

He parked like some kind of jackass

Or whatever

With your broad parking for you

Hey Brad, I've been downloading

The super torrent

but i'm only like six percent we need cedars seed there's a bunch of cedars right yeah it's uh i

well i cut it off when i got on skype because it was a forwarded to an automatic but it's still

it's only coming like 200 they start out slow and then they get faster dude it went all fucking

night i know i know it's good this is gonna take 187 weeks oh i mean 12 hours i mean two minutes

yeah i know i know i'm saying this like it's running at like 200 250 like that's what it's

like going at yeah oh yeah sorry oh wait a minute i've been calling that joe guy this whole time

fuck i'm stupid all right what hang on i got there i just double checked the last four

all right here's uh here's minivan john yay i'm liking the swanky ass music hey man it's new

year's you got you got to do it up i got my higher hair my higher spread yeah you're hard

yeah get your nails your nails i got a sports jacket on we had all agreed to get dressed up

for tonight and i'm the only one that got i wore the uh fuck the police hoodie nice zero three

And I'll try them again.

20 years ago.

I really do dig these things.

Sounds like a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Yeah, it does kind of sound like that.

It sounded like there was just fail.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, now we know for sure those three dings did not pick up.

Moon.

Sorry.

It's okay.

It's a weird night for that.

I'm going back to Big Dwight, who last sent us some more numbers of people offering to...

do we need to call any of them back at this point no right or no no no um oh no we don't need to

call any of them none of them are going out somewhere okay i didn't think so daryl williams

and daryl william woods i'm sorry daryl william woods hey you never called roy boo i dragged it

in there try do it again i did it again i'm doing it right now this guy's name is roy boo oh i can't

i can't do it if it's a phone number has to be a skype account yeah i'm not set up to call numbers

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah easy well i thought you could do with your pbx and whatnot that's

brad brad well you haven't i'm brad this is crazy that i heard man machines say i'm brad

oh it's like the robots got this own little personality

Is Daryl there?

Yeah, may I ask who's calling?

Yeah, we've been drinking, and one of the guys here with us,

he said that Daryl offered to take us all home.

Offered to take all y'all home?

If we were out drinking, that he would offer to take us all home, he said.

Who is this?

Well, I don't know you personally.

I can put this person on.

I just met them for the first time.

He said there could never be another tragedy.

He don't want no more dead kids.

well personally he said he would give us right home but he told me on the phone

he would suck my dick ma'am just put him on come on you want us to die stop cock blocking this is

a matter of life and death we could crash the car and then you'll be liable because you offered

rides let's do your ass blood on your now you don't want to give them up how dare you get a

dirty well we'll fill that dirty little cup mouth i bet i bet you could have her read the porn

md screaming like i bet she could read that all off real good she probably searched half of them

you sound like a big old horny cow

i know her she this smokes a bunch of virginia slim 100s every day she drinks like

six pints of bourbon wow hey is your friend coming to get us or what why are we out in the

rear of the road send daryl man why don't y'all guys suck one another's dick how's that gonna get

us home baby that's what we say we'll suck his dick to come out here yeah when you get here we'll

do it to each other to turn you on if that's what you're into yeah hey can you drive if daryl's two

out of it is your clit big enough to make up for it and we could suck it like a dick we got a chick

if that's what you're in daryl told us it is like uh like a hyena like a vanessa del rio clit

like a little thumb be like let me suck your thumb that'd be the code when i say let me suck

your thumb you'll bust out your little thumb clit and i'll be like man i wore my venice

shirt with nice with her holding her puss open like to meet her and then she canceled the

convention she was gonna be at oh that sucks her little fucking thumb clit yeah looking like

It was great.

It was like a fucked company.

You know that F-U-C-T?

Oh, yeah, dude.

They were back when they started Pornstar.

The company was around.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, this bitch was a little Vanessa Del Rio clit.

I'm reading this Facebooker ad, and it's talking about this waterfront home or something.

This is called John Valente.

That's awesome.

Carlito, I know I've asked you before,

but wasn't it jack valente because you hated the guy that ran the mba jack valente it's because i

did a we were a few of us at a prank show once and uh while he was still president of the mpaa

before he died he was a keynote speaker at the american telemarketers association convention in

las vegas and we sent them a bbw we sent him a black bbw escort a male escort uh like two bottles

Bottles of Dom Perignon and strawberries and flowers from room service.

And then we called them and said, this is all complimentary.

And then we had sent pizzas, too.

But we called and said, we're sending some stuff complimentary from the hotel.

Because we had already pranked them.

And we did a series of pranks.

And, yeah, we really fucked with them good.

Dude, I love that.

Yeah, and then I found out.

But then I was like, oh, fuck him anyway.

Dude, yeah.

When I was

a young horror

kid going to Blockbuster

and finding they wouldn't sell

unrated videos, I was like

fuck Jack Valente and fuck

the MPA in the 7th

grade.

When you started using Valente

I was like fuck, does he

hate that nigga too?

That's a whole show that's out there

where we tormented him

for a while one night. I like that.

It was Zolar. It was Zolar's show,

but I was on it with Reclude and Milkman.

Zolar.

All his pictures

are like super fancy New York

shit nowadays. Yeah.

That's where he is.

He's working for Alki

David guy.

Alki David is a guy that runs Battle

Cam. He's some kind of

British Coca-Cola magnate.

Heir to a Coca-Cola

empire out of Greece.

Greek? Greece?

Did I say Jewish? I meant Greece.

Greek. Anyway, blah, blah, blah.

Saganakis is this shit.

Speaking of Greek food.

Alright, Saganakis, you like that?

Yeah, I love it.

I used to get in so many arguments

at like 24-hour delis

because they couldn't serve the booze

to some Saganakis.

Like, we can't do that

because it's not 7am yet.

And I'm like, get the fuck

out of here.

Like, I'll get your manager here.

Like, so many arguments I had in, like, late night bellies.

That's bullshit, man.

They burn that alcohol right off.

I know.

They serve it to kids and shit.

But it's kept in the liquor cabinet.

Oh, whatever.

Oh, dude.

Yeah.

Can you call Switzerland?

Uh, yeah.

I just sent you a link.

It's for some cyber cafe over in Switzerland.

They're closing, but there's still two employees there.

and we can watch them on camera okay all right well hey let's call ronda real quick we don't

have much time because we got to celebrate the next new year's for you matt matt you're gonna

go kiss your mom or anything or is she sleeping or is she out with the with the family or something

crazy at midnight you don't give a a bit muted he mutes himself and he goes he ran out

I asked if you uh if you get crazy at midnight here kiss your hug your mom or anything or

She's sleeping.

Let's let's make.

Hey, is that Ronda?

Who is it?

Hey, we're we're all really drunk.

We're by the Wal-Mart now.

They kick this out. We're by the Wal-Mart.

Who is this?

We need to go to Charlotte's house.

I'm Bill.

This guy that's been drinking with you said it.

Call you.

You'll take all of us home.

I used to tell them on Facebook that you can also help.

Who is this?

Tiffany's with us.

Tiffany is what she would drink.

it was hey can you take us to charlotte's house okay just a second okay for them to call you that

they're drunk that you would give them a ride home they want to go to charlotte they're drunk

they're outside walmart we gotta go we gotta get over here are you are you in siloam right now

yes yes hurry up outside siloam walmart who told you a call tiffany's with us she said a call

Oh, Tiffany, Tiffany, Blair, Tiffany, who is the runner on Tiffany?

Oh.

Oh, OK.

Tiffany, Blair's with them and they're drunk.

They're outside Walmart right now.

They want a ride home.

I'm going to fuck.

I mean, why are you excited?

Fucker.

They're almost out of booze.

So you.

Look at it.

Hurry up.

We're going to go to Charlotte.

Oh, my God.

Fucker.

So I don't know.

So it is.

Don't tell me to hurry up.

If you want a ride, you can wait.

I'm just kidding.

Oh my God.

I love you.

God.

Rhonda.

Rhonda, listen.

Listen.

If you don't.

No, this isn't Rhonda.

He's throwing up again.

This is her daughter.

You're kidding.

Yeah.

The general manager won't let me buy more booze.

He says about the laws.

I'm about to fucking fight him right here at the Walmart where I need a ride.

Well, if you're drunk, you don't need any more alcohol.

Does your mom have any alcohol?

Can you bring hers?

Do you want a ride home or not?

Yeah.

But I'm gonna start going I'm gonna start shaking and going into withdrawals if I don't have

Can I tell you the full story what happened while we're at the

Come get us

We'll call her back when the meantime take another break

everybody i'm here carlito i'm along joined along with uh neon what's up neon

all right good uh dwight's here what do you say there buddy

uh enigma just joined in hey buddy hey how's it going we also got mike the donnie and awkward

on the line what's up hello hello hello all right you want to call that lady back see if we can mess

were there again oh yeah sure did uh matt not want to hear the music see ya the moment please

leave a message try her again she picked up on the second call second one last time please leave

a message after the tip i guess not all right we'll go on to the next one who was that again

all right here's big kim it says someone text me because i'm oh she just wants to be texting

because she's bored okay we'll call her instead see if she picks up a call hello kim hello yeah

you said uh who is it this is bill i'm here with what this is bill i'm here with your friend

you you said on facebook to text you or contact you this is my friend hey man talk to this bitch

i don't know her you said you know what's your what's your problem girl trying to hook us all

all up together we need another girl we only have one right now yeah um who is it

no this is this is dwight who is dwight yeah no listen oh brian he told me he said you were in

you'd be down to fucking get airtight and shit what your husband he said airtight you were down

to get fucked three ways from sunday by some white boys no and my boyfriend would never say that so

It don't he told me that he says you do it all the time

He says you you go down by old country buffet and you're always saying hey, let's fuck to the people that go inside

Yeah, get the fuck off my line and don't call me back cuz I don't know who the fuck this is and I do not

Get down with no fucking white boy

We heard that you were loose, that's all you need to know, so spread them open where you want to meet.

That was good, we'll call her back.

Where is she? How are you guys seeing the...

Are you guys looking at their Facebooks?

Yeah.

Oh, way up here, okay.

Just fucking say don't call me.

Shut up, bitch.

Come down.

Listen here.

Come on, we won't.

Yeah, you're always...

You shut the fuck up, you ugly ass.

Get the fuck off my line and don't call me again, or my boyfriend will be on your ass.

Bet that.

You listen here.

Yo, peep that.

What the fuck do you want hey, what about new year's new year blow job five dollar we

do discounts sucky sucky get the fuck off my line ain't nobody sucking your dick you

nasty trifling bitch let me talk to your boyfriend before wow wake up she like showing her tits

off in her picture i know that hello put him on the phone put the

motherfucker on the phone what what's your boyfriend on the phone

he he called you a monkey monkey or put the tits on the phone

um don't fucking worry about me putting my boyfriend on the phone

put him on the phone calling my phone put that faggot on the phone

oh so my boyfriend's a faggot why don't you tell him that

Put him on that dummy

You've reached seven three one three

Who cares Harold's hamburger? What Harold's hammer? That's the one in Switzerland. Oh

Oh, okay.

I called him a couple times while we were on break.

I told him, they're closing up.

And so I called, and the guy answered.

I'm like, I've been drinking.

I'm outside.

Let me in.

And the guy goes, we're closed.

I'm not letting you in.

And he fucking hung up.

So I called back, and he, I'm not letting you in.

That is final.

And I go, well, come to the door and show me your dick.

And he fucking hangs the phone up again.

you can watch the webcam he gets pissed and starts watching the uh call already share that webcam

with the chat room if you haven't yet we're sorry your call could not be completed i think i had too

many characters here and that's my fault my fault there's there's the link right there he's still

there staring at it i don't think i don't think you know how to look the phone bouncing hamburger

man there's people from like asking him to pick up a stool and throw it through the fucking window

he doesn't even look like he gives a fuck anymore he's like well there you go ronald you've got

your calls you can enjoy since you didn't record them no one else will ever ronald shinners record

everything you do prank call related is richard offering rides need a need a ride in victoria

yeah it looks like he's offering to work do this for work is there a walmart in victoria

british columbia probably right your call has been forwarded to telus mobility all right so

so much for that here's ashley who said text me anything you want to get off your chest before

2014 is over oh i got something i want to get off

it's been forwarded to an automatic voicemail

you got the dead dog saloon that's a camera one yes sir you got people there yeah that's the one

where i made him search all over the phone that i left ah yes i remember this yes pretty busy

yeah like we're calling that up on the shrubby how can i help you yeah hey there should be some

some guy there wearing red he's got white hair i need to talk to him he told me to call because

i'm drunk i'm gonna get behind the car behind the wheel of fucking car and drive it where are you

right now i'm not here i'm somewhere else he said he will call pick me up because if not i'm gonna

get in the car i'm gonna drive i'm gonna hurt someone or kill him maybe he's my my friend told

me to call him we've been all drinking we've been all drinking what's his name wait what's his name

Oh, Bob. I think it's Brian.

It's Hall?

Hall.

Brian.

Hall. Hall.

That's a good guess, but no.

Hall. Hall. Hall.

I boxed myself in a corner.

Damn.

I'm going to call them back.

What do they know that guy? Is it Kenny? Tell them it's Kenny.

What's the guy? The musician?

Kenny Rogers.

That dog's food and rolls inland. I'll sit you down. I'll help you.

you yeah can we talk i need to talk to a friend of ours a friend of this guy that we're drinking

with he said if we were too drunk tonight when we went out to drink that he will pick us up and

give us a ride you have a name i don't know the guy and the guy the guy that knows him is passed

out he just said he should be wearing like a red long sleeve shirt he's like older guy white hair

i think he's um we're i mean we're close but he's he should still be there i mean if you have a

name is there a man i mean there's literally people that just work here is there a man with

the white hair man with the red shirt white hair red jacket he's got the red jacket

i do declare he says he's got a red jacket is there someone there who doesn't smoke a pack a

day we could talk to red jacket i'm sorry red jacket and jeans white hair no i'm sorry before

before that. Is there someone there who

doesn't smoke a packet a day? Yeah.

I'm sorry, dude. That was awesome.

And awkward.

I guess I hit the sore spot. Awkward?

How appropriate. Oh my

God. Motherfucker. Keeper calling dead dog?

Yeah. Why did you hang

up the phone on me, you fucking bitch?

Excuse me? Why did you hang up the phone, ma'am?

I wasn't on the phone, thank you

very much. I just got back here and answered this.

It's the first time I've answered the phone in

forever. Can I help you? We're trying to get a hold

of our designated driver. He's in

that he's in there.

Stupid bitch.

Yeah?

Excuse me, who is it?

He is a red jacket

on jeans.

Prank call, prank call, prank call.

Yeah, prank call.

There's like six guys on here

going,

why the fuck do you hang up

the phone on me,

you stupid bitch?

Yeah, stupid bitch.

Bye.

See you again.

That's so hot.

She said that already.

Nice.

I think they get pranked.

Sassy molasses.

They're all left to the camera.

I think they just close, close.

Close, close, you know?

They ain't gonna pick up.

Dead dog in Brazil

and how can I help you?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Excuse me?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

How you?

I asked you a question first, motherfucker, you.

Oh, you're so good.

Yeah, thanks, honey.

I get that all the time.

Oh.

What a sissy boy.

I get that all the time, man.

He hangs up.

One more time.

One more call.

There's a bomb in the heater machine.

No.

No, George.

No, George, no.

No.

Okay.

They're not into it anymore.

Yeah.

We got anything else?

Or we can just call 7-Eleven.

Do it.

George, you're going to get sex-fucked again.

No answer there.

I'll pull up another one.

In the meantime, I wanted to mention that we're going to be celebrating New Year's

for the following Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, Kansas, parts of Kansas, I'm sorry,

Montana, Nebraska, parts of Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas,

utah and wyoming and the only parts in texas are el paso really so for the most part where nobody

gives a fuck or lives that's where we're gonna be celebrating next yay yay this should be the

shortest too yeah but it would be it would be the time zone that most likely would survive

an apocalypse oh there you go think about soon to be the capital of the united states um where was

i prank calls right yeah okay another 7-eleven that's right so who does who is it that has a

vienna saw it's just like a big clip what's her name vanessa del rio oh my god i can't remember

the name i was uh i managed the porn store for hella long so she's you and matt are really in

there i've always worked in porn oh yeah but then you get bored of it like 90 of it's fake

hey squirting real told you most of the time they put the water in there or whatever fluid

i thought they pissed uh see it's coming out of their cunt hole yeah i mean so i don't think

it's it's not urine i would think that they yeah i i knew it i'm calling from the corporate office

i needed to do a monthly customer survey is there a customer there we could talk to you

how are you what do you say i'm calling from the corporate office how are you doing today

oh this one is seven seven eleven yeah you know yeah yeah i'm calling from 7-eleven corporate

office yeah south one yeah what do you uh we need to help you we need to do the monthly customer

survey do you have a customer that we could speak to just to ask a few questions he gets a

twenty dollar gift certificate or she hello oh let's see what happens start letting him come in

no i'm just really bad at those and he he heard it's not you're at the beginning so

he was already like uh plus it sucks when they don't really understand what you're saying

they're just like derp derp okay here's a different one over there excuse me i'm sorry

yes hi i'm calling from the corporate office my name is hein i'm calling from the corporate

office my name is mr. Hein yes yeah I like to do a customer survey please we

have a monthly customer survey yeah we just do you have any customers there who

would answer a quick survey for a $20 gift card to 7-eleven about 60 seconds

60 seconds yes okay I need to speak to a customer has to be a customer yes hello

Hello, I'm calling from the corporate office. My name is Rex. Rex, hi.

Okay.

Thanks for picking up. Hi, we're doing a customer survey here. You are one of our last of the year. Millionth customer for this location, and they just snuck in. So you get a $20 gift card. Hello? Oh, man. I was trying. I can't. I can't. You can't talk too much. That's what it is. They figure, fuck this guy. Fuck him in the ass. That's what they figure.

It's like he's from a gift card company.

He's from gift cards.

He's a scam.

How can he scam?

How can he slap?

Uh, what's next Dwight?

Do you have any new stuff?

Yes, you do.

Uh, Tyler.

Okay.

This is Tyler.

What's up with Tyler?

He's the West, motherfucker.

Oh, them.

Him.

Oh, shit.

I love that guy.

Uh oh.

Yeah, bud.

All right, let's see.

He never answers for me since that first one.

He didn't want the closure.

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message we got him good we made about five

six calls to him man i'll be talking shit trying to get us to meet him at a strip club to fight

thought i heard a short anyway instead of that then we've got the hang up the show's over

motherfucker from jayad's thing on uh frank's giving alex yell at him end of the show yada

out of nope no i guess it shows the voicemail uh real quick then we get atlas are we wrapping up

the best of the of the month here real quick pretty much what hey uh motherfucker i bet he's

still jerking off at the gym oh stealing breaking news hello yeah hi uh can we speak can we

can i talk with atlas please no why not oh this is the mom who's the mom yeah i think it's the

mom's phone shares my voice they're the errands here hey man motherfucker hello hello how you

doing i'm uh i'm trying to get a hold of atlas's mother if i could and who am i speaking with yeah

this is boy how you doing tonight ma'am happy new year hold on real quick and who am i speaking with

again i'm sorry how you doing sweetie it's dwight happy new year how are you great but you know that

That doesn't sound very formal when you call me sweetie when I'm somebody's mother.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Atlas.

I'll call you that.

How about that?

Do you know his last name?

You're calling for him.

You should know his last name.

Well, no, I got his first name.

Listen, Atlas is in a little bit of trouble.

I sell him marijuanas, and he owes me some money, and I'm supposed to be calling you.

And you know what this number's from is Oklahoma, and you know what?

He might be naive, but this is grew up in the hood.

Just because I got an Oklahoma number doesn't mean that I don't live out here.

It's called a cell phone.

I know the real deal.

You don't know me.

Listen.

You don't know who I'm affiliated with, so don't fucking call me again,

because if I get your number, I can have it traced.

He owes me money.

That's not very nice.

I can have people come to your fucking house, okay?

I gave him a key of marijuana.

He's supposed to sell it for me and give me the money.

I don't think so.

I thought you were really nice.

Why are you being rude now?

Bitch.

Oh, you're the same fucking bitch.

I know your voice from the fucking 24 hours. You go. Fuck your guys itself. Oh

I was being fordra because he was in front of me. That means you're fucking fake nigger. You're a fucking nigger. I know you're

Listen you suck your son's dick with that mouth or what?

She knows the 24 hour thing and it wasn't even there.

It was dark stranger.

She dropped the N bomb.

I know it was dark strangers.

So she knows she found out about it somehow.

Huh?

I fucking know that voice.

It's not nothing like dark stranger.

She was being cordial because he was right.

Whatever.

whatever being cordial after she cursed out and yelled at her son that one time

you're a fucking dad if i ever get your number how does she know we're calling from oklahoma

if she if i ever get your number i'll have it traced i don't know aaron's here hey aaron's

good to talk to you man hi motherfucker hey you know what i just realized uh i the uh container

of frozen chicken tikka marsala you got there i had it yesterday and we bought it at costco and

i had it yesterday i made it that's the same exact fucking hilarious yeah no wonder i looked

at it i was like that looks familiar and now i know you're like god damn i see that picture

makes me hungry i just want to prank people when i was eating okay hey it was good to talk

to you man welcome yeah yeah we're dropping somebody's mom is dropping the uh the nigger

word yeah did you hear that yeah i did that's crazy she just must not like uh the blacks well

Well, she hates the fact that we pranked her and her son on the Thanksgiving show, I think.

Or the Thanksgiving after show.

At the end of the prank, I told her if she was doing her job, she should go in there,

pull her son's pants down, and teach him how to jerk off properly.

Masturbation techniques.

She's an asshole.

2015 somewhere.

That's the first N-bomb in 2015.

That wasn't me.

Yep, you're off the hook.

You still have one left.

What are you doing, man?

This is a toy.

you want to check his stuff you want to put in your hang on i got it i'm looking at

yeah call call it back so we can hear the voicemail

here drop the uh music of just a tad there

this is uh cody and uh if you've been listening to that right now i am jerking off on my fucking bed

If you're satisfied with the message, press 2 to erase and re-

What do you hit?

Why am I doing it wrong?

No, it's pound.

Oh, I hit start.

Oh, you hit start.

Yeah, we won't listen to it anymore.

This is pretty much-

You do it, you do it, you do it.

Talking about him like fucking the kitten porn and shit.

You do it, you do it.

What are you doing, man?

This is, uh, Cody.

Please enter your password.

Then press pound. I'm sorry, this number is not valid. Please enter your password then press pound. I'm sorry

This number is not valid. Please enter your password then press pound. I'm sorry this number is not valid

Unfortunately, the system did not process your address. The passwords you have entered do not match our records

Your call is being directed to our automated password reset system

Which will allow you to reset your password once the security information on your account has been verified

Oh, it's verified.

Okay.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

Para Español, oprime la estrella.

Please enter your billing account password.

Oh, fuck.

No, forget that shit.

Yeah.

No, I can't hang up because I can't find the window.

There we go.

Aha, figured it out.

Well, there it is.

Yeah, because I made sure to note in the, when I saved it to my contacts that the password was 6969.

I think you gave it out, though, maybe.

Or someone heard you say it.

Someone probably heard it.

went back like i say i don't remember i think i did it in conf or something somebody probably

went back after me and changed it to whatever they wanted all right hutchinson plumbing any

story behind this that's that plumber that wanted to fight me because i told him i took his magnet

his magnet yeah he made a whole video about uh there was a magnet he had put on his box because

like he did scrapping back there to check if it was aluminum and or not okay and apparently

Apparently the electric company came out there and took it, thought he was stealing electricity,

tampering with the box and shit, and he made this whole video, he was like, I use LED lights!

He goes, maybe that's how I'm saving it!

He goes through this whole thing, well, his phone number was on the back of a shitty van.

I'm sorry, I'm unable to take your call.

So I called him and told him that I took his fucking magnet.

And so we did for about 15 minutes.

He was like, come over then!

I'll ruin you in the ditch, bitch!

and we're just going around about fighting you know we're for the power company once a power

company in florida we heard stories once from that department that handles the fraud and they

told us of people that put these there's some guy that lived out that worked at nasa and had this

access to like this big ass super magnet and he put it under his under his power meter and it would

make it go real slow i guess they came out and put a bunch of locks and shit on it put another

other Baccarat. Flavio.

He's the one with the font in his neighborhood.

It's like Street Fighter.

Hey, it's Felicia. Leave me a message and I'll

Hi. It's my shot. It's hot.

Flavio. Down in his neighborhood, people are just putting on

boxing gloves, just walking around the street, beating the

fuck out of each other. Peace.

Peace. Nice. We're less than

15 minutes away from New Year's

for Mountain Standard Time, in which

we'll take another break and we'll come back and do

the last, which is the most important one, the West

Coast. Yeah. Yeah.

West Side. Hey, it's

oh hi all right hi so a pizza pizza hut person that called you the n-word dwight

yeah yeah they called me the n-word uh customer or uh employee oh yeah it's a customer

well i can understand that it was uh i believe it was her son that did it you know

what i just thought about it's lost on i totally didn't even check whether it was okay if i did a

show really i didn't i didn't think oh no he didn't go on wednesday no one goes out tonight

yeah fuck it then fuck him i do what i want fucking roll dude never fuck you no show doing

thing guy hey it's felicia hey how we get her again wait a minute wait a minute shots fired

shots fired you know what i watched uh the movie the equalizer the other day was actually pretty

good dude i wanted to watch it and i got hurt i got sick and i couldn't go see it oh it's

It's a good movie.

It is fucked up the way he kills people.

That's awesome.

I'm a big fan of Denzel Washington.

He's in a lot of good movies.

Yeah.

Was it as good as...

I would gauge it right along with...

The one in Mexico with the girl.

Was it as good as that?

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

Man on fire.

Man on fire, yeah.

Hello?

Yeah?

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling from Pizza Hut.

We're going through our logs, and it looks like you had a rather rude comment to say

to one of our employees previously.

I just want to let you know that we're you're being 86 you're not allowed to

have service from us anymore what you're being 86 we're firing you as a customer

are you talking about I'm from Pizza Hut and you said an offensive word to Dwight

one of our employees here and it finally came through to me he came to my desk

and yeah I'm definitely put it down here that you're no longer it was your son well

the both of you you and your son are no longer allowed to get service from this

this Pizza Hut any longer, because your son made a racist comment to my...

Call me a bigger.

I'm sorry, but first of all, I don't have a son.

Second of all, I'm not a customer at Pizza Hut.

I'm a manager at Pizza Hut, and I have never made a racist comment to anyone.

Thirdly, I work in the morning, so will you call the right person?

Don't accuse me of something that I didn't do.

I don't appreciate it.

You stupid bitch.

stupid bitch I'm writing you up right now are you kidding me

don't even bother coming to work I got the $11 any pizza online I'm writing you

up you're fired you're fine you are out of control you are out of control and I

will be talking with my supervisor in the morning I am at I am a manager I

I never came in as a customer to a Pizza Hut.

Shut up, bitch.

You have the wrong number.

Check your freaking number again.

Listen, we're going to put you on hold.

You just hang on for a second.

Listen, I talked to this lady's supervisor.

Oh, my God.

He said he fucked her.

They've got to be fucking kidding me right now.

He said he fucked her good.

He said she has a stinky pussy.

She's been fucking her supervisor, and she's going to come.

That's what the file says.

Okay, all right, bring her off the hold.

All right, we're going to bring her back.

I thought she was a customer, though.

I guess she's...

Originally, she was.

I don't know where this I'm a fucking employee comes from.

She's a manager or shit, damn it.

She's a liar.

Hey, it's Felicia.

Leave me a message and I'll call you back.

Hi.

Pizza Hut manager.

Can we take returns?

Hey, it's Felicia.

Leave me a message and I'll call you back.

Okie dokie.

you okay next we have a pizza nazi what's the background on that uh again the you know what

i might have mistaken because it's the same area code that might have been the one that called me

the uh all right so it was the manager that's the racist manager or the son so now we have

i don't know how i would have got the uh the personal cell phone number of an

pizza hut employee it's kind of scary right what did you do i don't know maybe you blacked out and

You, like, went over there and fucked her and got hooked up.

Stinky pussy.

And you don't even remember now that it happened.

She probably roofied you, man.

Less than ten minutes left.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, there's less than ten minutes left.

Go ahead, Dwight.

I have no idea.

Hey, listen, lady.

Is your son around?

The one that called me the nigger?

That was him, I think.

He sounded like about a 15-year-old.

She was talking, and then the son grabbed it and started talking to him.

Who?

Hey, Dirty Aaron, let me get some chicken tikka masala, baby.

We're sorry.

Your call could not be...

that beep is punishing man free wood taj he has free wood free you remember this guy right no

he's the one that we kept calling about the wood down in hawaii and telling his wife that he said

that free isn't free and we had to suck his dick for the wood i remember the wood in hawaii yeah

yay for wood you like wood there yeah surfboard hello hey yeah we wanted to get some wood from

taj you want to make a surfboard and ride it hello you're sleeping already it's way early

Really? Yeah, they're not going to make the motherfuckers snort.

Sounds like me.

I was getting frisky with herself.

Well, no one is available.

Are you snoring now?

I make my report.

Oh, yeah.

Like the Donnie report.

I know Dirty's not sleeping.

I'm not saying he's been typing.

No, I was talking over here.

I was on mute.

Oh, no, he was snoring.

Oh, no, I had it on me.

And I was talking to my husband over here.

I put some money in store to do you fall asleep?

Me? No.

Yeah, you did.

No, I swear.

I heard something, though.

Here comes Baz.

No, I didn't do that.

I just got something to drink.

Yeah, Neon totally set his ass up.

I didn't say anything he didn't say, you know?

I thought it was hilarious.

All right, Johnny Gwynn, what's going on here?

We're going to do a shout-out to 2015.

Is he a radio guy?

I don't know.

You gave me the number.

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

where'd i get where'd i get that where'd i get that guy from the last number i sent you was

oh taj there was that oh johnny gwynn okay yeah oh no it's uh it's a hotel check-in at uh yeah

all right is that the next one then yep for tash okay and i sent that one it's johnny gwynn right

calling the white house of bluffs scott how can i help you yeah i need to speak to a guest there

his name is johnny gwynn i guess johnny gwynn johnny gwynn yep what's the last name g-w-i-n

and gwen hang up music from lou's it's one of the hang-up songs hello it's pretty loud

you guys did the move blight before you could get back

is that like the new person on here i don't think i should be here for anybody

all right this is taking too long it's taking too long man what the are you serious i'm sorry

awkward laugh i'm sorry say what i'm sorry uh that person isn't a guest here so what it took

you that long to find out motherfucker yeah i did did you look up someone else but just the last

name stupid i'm calling the white house and below to scott how can i help you yeah are you the guy

i was just talking to yeah i am why'd you hang up uh you're not gonna swear at me like that i'm

sorry okay but can we try to figure out where this person is then no i'm not going to fucking

out they're not a guest here i don't know how you expect me to find them labia okay

oh my gosh you're gonna talk to me like that

okay well let's see what's next white house hotel what was that where that's where we just called

then instead we have garam marsala which is a indian restaurant i'm guessing all right

That'd be my guess

Sure, how about one last band showed for the West Coast before?

Central to those gotta be quick. See if they got less than two minutes left. Let me take it. Okay, okay

Trey saffron gear with me god. I can't talk tonight saffron grill instead. Here's the saffron saffron grill

Yes saffron grill, yes, can I have an order for pickup? Oh, why do you do not celebrate the new year?

Do you not love America?

oh really right now huh are you uh with the with the gandu celebration a gandu oh yeah yeah yeah

happy new year just kidding it hasn't happened yet okay don't miss it hey whatever you do don't

miss the minute because when that ball drops it drops you know you know when you drop that ball

you can't get it back basically i was just smelling my balls yeah were you scratching

Carlito, will you call him back real quick?

Yeah, but let's get him to miss the ball dropping for real.

Did you guys get through to that guy at the hotel?

No, no, no, we didn't.

Oh, motherfucker.

No, we did not.

If we're going to call him back, we'll have to call him back after this

because it is now New Year's in that place.

Mountain Standard time.

Yay.

Decade.

Yay.

We're back.

We're back, and Sam Group is still here.

We got Enigma, Neon, Awkward, Dwight, Mike, the Donnie,

And long time friend of mine

Dirty Aaron

Who's been missing

Nigger

Glad to have him back

Yeah

Fuck

Alright

So we're now less than an hour away from

West Coast New Year's

We'll

probably wrap up

a little bit after that. I'm going to call some Jack

I've been having a lot of problems with Jack in the Box

lately. Ew, really? Did you get sick?

Or just... No, no

Well, I mean, you know, every time I eat

there I do get diarrhea, but I still go

back. It's like, uh

They put something to make them come back

I think Dirty likes the diarrhea

Sorry, but what happened? You've been fucking up your orders?

Fucking up your orders? Uh-huh

have they been fucking up your order they don't put any fucking you know i get the grilled

breakfast sandwich they don't put the butter on the bread so i get a toasted breakfast sandwich

it's not grilled might as well just take a toast and put some fucking meat on it then i was there

the other day they had the fucking you know when they go out at night and they they they wash the

fucking you know they wash the the floors or whatever out in the drive-thru the lobby like

they know the lobby they cranked up the fucking music you know at night and never turned it down

so like i could i was having a conversation i could barely talk i had to yell cocksuckers

poor aaron right guys yes motherfuckers we'll have to get some dwight is might be on that

hopefully here's uh another indian place though for you see if they pick up yeah yeah yeah it's

been going by fast for me i'm looking good uh can we call that last bastard before we

we went on break uh yeah yeah sure i was thinking about wishing the chinese people

happy new year but they don't i don't think they care they don't believe in new year oh they're

all they have the chinese the chinese new year is different it's like in may or something yeah

they do them both though they're a little sneaky bastards the one by me they have a sign up saying

we'll be open new year's we don't care no i was gonna pull the typical oh we're closed so why

Why are you answering the phone, motherfucker?

Yeah, that was the saffron again.

Now we got Poppy as in the seed.

Yeah.

I think that's Indian.

It's in Seattle.

And 11 o'clock at night in Seattle might be too late.

Bad as we know better.

You got to call the Chinese restaurant if they're open.

Yeah.

Pizza place is open.

Hello?

Poppy.

Hello, this is Poppy.

Hi, how's it going?

Good, thanks.

Are you guys taking orders still?

Oh, we don't do takeout.

No takeout?

No takeout.

What's the cuisine?

We do it a little bit, but tonight we're only doing like a four-course pre-fix.

We don't have any of the regular dishes that we normally would do for takeout.

I understand.

So what's the wait time, sweetheart?

For a table?

Yeah.

We're finished seating for tonight.

So there's a little bit of bar food that you can get, but only in person.

We're not doing any takeout orders tonight.

Okay, okay.

So, all right, that sounds good.

So what time should we come?

About 15 minutes?

I'm going to need the tablecloth, you know, nice and clean and white.

No colored tablecloths.

And then I can't have any forks on my table either.

I have a problem with forks.

Hello?

She disconnected.

Call her again.

Bar food.

What kind of a place is it?

It doesn't matter what kind of place it is.

I don't even care.

This is Poppy.

I think it's a heroin place.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah, I wanted the white china with my white tablecloth.

Should have brought up the Poppy thing.

Poppy, huh?

Heroin den.

Or opium den, I should say.

Hello?

you've reached poppy at 622 broadway east and poppy poppy people that's what we reached oh

broadway east huh yeah that's a sixth in broadway i know it well yeah wasn't it last year you texted

me on new year's eve and you're at a party in a corpus house wasn't it and you sat on his cake

and there was a dog licking it or maybe corpus sent me a picture of your ass your ass was on a

cake like you there was a dog licking your bare ass licking the frosting off your bare ass i was

like okay thank you yeah i don't know probably it was cory i could remember him saying that i thought

it was funny oh my god it's brit westwood oh my god oh my god it's rbpp hi hi hi neighbor i never

got my invites in movie night by the way we don't want your kind here your droids will have to wait

outside namaste my ass india cuisine oh god there's a fucking cigar shop right next to pike's

place that's run by a bunch of indians i bet they're fucking open oh god i bet you they put

their big dirty indian noses on them and sniff them yeah yeah i was i was there a couple weeks

ago yeah why'd you smoke dab it off yeah there buddy no no no i i've been doing uh god i can't

remember what they're called black amounts yeah no uh ten dollars each i think i'm getting ripped

off yeah hello we are not available now take that ten dollars buy one cigar that'll do you for the

the whole week trust me what is this one this is a fuente fuente arturo fuente yeah fuente but this

it comes in a fucking wood box and i swear to god it's 18 inches long i don't even my wife got it

for me for christmas yeah oh fuck yeah all right shalimar fine indian i don't think many of these

indians are going to be open now chinese yeah order chinese pizza i like to tell them exactly

exactly how to make it first you take the rice and walk and put the fucking soy sauce in the

motherfucker a little bit of oil just a little bit just a little bit turn around put your ass

in it it wasn't so cold on the west coast I'd be smoking a cigar right now yeah I used to

smoke them inside for the shows but the whole house would you know stink really bad I couldn't

do it on the west coast you can't smoke anywhere inside even inside your house well I mean

i have kids i don't smoke inside the house but so how do the cigar places work do they have a

well so they have a deal where if you can buy if you buy the cigar there you can be in the cigar

lounge and there's only like there's only a couple around portland you can do that i don't even know

if you can smoke in the casinos in oregon i'm trying to remember what happened with that they

tried the atlantic city and i think it was like a big fight and i think they the tobacco people

What was that, Brad?

Go ahead.

We've got like a vape shop here, and I noticed there's a sign next to it that says there's

a smoking lounge inside the vape shop.

You hang out in the vape shop and you smoke.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, but you can only smoke and vape.

You can't, like, you walk into the vape shop and it just fucking looks like you just walked

into a concert.

Fucking, no, that's it.

Have we started calling the vape shops and prank calling them?

Because I hate those people.

Yeah, we could do that.

I've done some Yelp check-ins at vape shops.

Oh my God, I fucking hate those people.

People at vape shops love to announce anything to do with vaping and talk about it.

So proud of vaping, man.

Calling Cedars on Brooklyn.

Do catering.

Please do leave a message.

That guy sounds awesome.

I want to meet that guy.

I'm going to skip these Indians because I don't think they're going to open.

Well, that was the last one.

There was just one left.

We need some Seattle vape shops.

Seattle vape shops.

There's been like a bunch of kids being poisoned.

Like the kids are getting into liquid nicotine and fucking going to the hospital for being poisoned.

isn't no accidentally accidentally drinking her kids trying to get high off of it because

no accidental fucking drinking because it looks like candy yeah but still dude like i don't know

like i got one of those i got one of those from my i got a vape pen for my wife she doesn't even

really like it but i got her a vape pen last year for christmas and she filled it wrong and she got

a mouthful of juice and she just about threw up just from a little bit hitting her lips just from

a little bit in her lips i can't imagine a kid being like i'm gonna drink it i don't know well

just just show you that people that vape hate their kids it's just fucking it's just the way

it is there you go proof proof right here stay out of their parents shit anyway so serves them

right yeah yeah yeah the kids that get shot for being in their parents guns uh you know snooping

around that's what they get darwinism baby just saying yeah there ain't no shit no i don't think

so i don't think that's right no dwight ken don't agree with that that was me actually i know oh

okay never mind fuck you mike then no i'm kidding all right um and fuck right anyway all right next

one what do we got here we got a bowling alley these were requested by miss neon neon have you

been to bowling alleys in the years is that a part no you think they're there though oh i'm sure

they got the midnight bowling the cosmic bowling with the fucking uh black light and shit yeah

I like the eyeball bowling balls. What about skating rinks roller skating rinks? I don't think those exist

Oh, they do. I think they're gone. I go to them all the time

That was a fax machine very very good I'll all-star lanes. Hey Brad

I'm not storing. I heard you snoring early. No, I was not

The other balls I need to get hello, are you still open?

Okay, tell what time?

The bar should be open up to 1 and the bowling up to 2.

Oh, bowling up to 2?

No, the bar is 1, maybe 1, 1.15.

1.15? Okay, do you have the black light on or what?

No, we don't have that.

You don't have the neon balls or anything like that?

No.

Because I like to get my neon balls and I like to throw them around a little bit.

Just the regular lights is what you're working with there?

what the fuck yeah what what an asshole poor customer service i know i want to get my

fucking neon balls washed how many balls can you get in not everybody likes neon though

or her balls anybody's good oh hey why'd you hang up the phone motherfucker

hello shit bitch gandu what is your problem what's your question why are you shit

it doesn't have an answer he's got no answer for that never heard of indians indians running uh

bowling alleys what's going on well when was the last time you saw an american running a bowling

alley i didn't get that memo that's an easy ticket for everything that's like my dream job

like homer when he got he figured out how to retire so he could just work at the bowling

alley that it got ruined his maggot was born when uh when was the last time you saw an american

American doing anything other than fucking eating.

Yeah.

All right, here's the AMF, American Machine of Federation.

American Machine of Federation.

Is this in Seattle?

Thank you for calling Valero Mar Vista.

For fastest service, please listen to all of the following options as our menu has changed.

For directions and hours of operation, please press 1.

For parties, events, and lane reservations, please press 2.

To speak to the front desk, please press 0.

Thank you for calling Valero Mar Vista.

Where's this at, brother-in-law?

What?

Where's it at?

In L.A. Nevada.

We are sorry.

The person you are trying to reach is busy or unreachable.

Please try your call again later.

They are closed machines.

All right, we'll try our next one.

X-Lanes.

That has to be open, right?

Yeah, X-Lanes.

It's got an X in the name.

Rated X?

Yeah.

I hope so, dude.

That'd be awesome.

Ask him for more Xs.

Yeah.

How may I help you?

Hello.

How late are you open?

until midnight till mid oh really so when the ball drops you guys are done pretty much okay

got you are you doing the neon bowling you got the black lights up there or what um tonight no

sorry sir okay because i like to get my neon balls washed i'm sorry i like to get my neon

balls washed uh what how many what's it like to get a lane in there is it pretty full or what

at the moment like not really we kind of like emptied out a few lanes about now yeah okay you

You know, sometimes I like to come down by myself and just try and get in on people's

games, you know, kind of make friends, maybe meet some ladies down there.

What are the ladies looking like right now at the bowling alley?

All accompanied by men, I can tell you that much.

Oh, yeah.

Are there old and saggy tits, you know, that kind of thing?

It's actually more of a couple thing, actually.

Oh, it's more of a couple's thing?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe, yeah.

I guess some women are just here, like, just for a girl's night out or whatever, but most

of them are just accompanied by, like, either a boyfriend, then I'm to assume.

oh yeah i'm not scared of no boyfriend i don't care about that you know i mean i'm kind of into

that really but um all right so uh what about uh what about you what do you got going on tonight

yeah i mean you sound kind of hot i'm not gonna lie you gotta you gotta you gotta wash the lanes

down maybe maybe wash some balls no you don't want to get together maybe scrub balls uh i think

think that's it i wait hold on a second i think i think my friend brad has a question hi i'm brad

um i was in there last week and i stole some shoes and i just wanted to apologize did anyone

come up and complain about that particularly but if we do if you did steal a pair of shoes

feel free to bring them back they might allow you back on well no i i wear them now i got rid

of my old shoes this is how i replace my shoes i go to the bowling alley and i steal their shoes

shoes but this guy actually put his wallet in his shoes so i felt kind of bad about that

um well i'm you know enjoy the shoes man okay and the wallet and the wallet right oh yeah i guess

son i mean yeah so he's not saying he didn't steal the bowling shoes he sold somebody else's shoes

right yeah yeah yeah you know they put their shoes under their seats and then when they go

to bowl i just steal their shoes it's kind of my thing you have cameras in there why didn't

you catch me then they don't work very good do they not your security system there is shit

yeah well i got free shoes and a wallet had money in it and they're and and albertson's uh you know

discount card and some journey tickets yep from 1983 little albertson stickers too i hear an

air table machine i hear like the star trek from the 60s maybe that's the same thing

that was totally air table i think yeah it was an airtight table

Airtable.

Airtable?

Or what does it come?

Airtight table.

Air hockey.

You want to be air hot?

You want to get airtight?

Airtable.

Oh my god.

Who just said that?

So.

Do you want to call him back?

Or be done with him?

We'll go to the next one.

Okay, good.

I got Cardings.

No, he was stupid.

This is another X-Bowl.

You got what?

Cardings.

Do you want to try like another three or something?

Yeah, play.

Play, play.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah.

Why not?

For realsies?

Do it, do it.

Oh hi Roy, my name's Mary

And I got a note on my car saying

That you had dinged it

I really appreciate you leaving the note

If you could please call me

At 503

420

Oh my god, it's local

That's 503

420

Mary sounds like she deserved to get her

Fucking car dinged

She sounds fat as shit

She sounds so happy is what it sounds like

May I speak with her?

Yeah, that is up in Portland.

Someone in Portland left a bunch of notes

at the Washington Mall.

He claims he left like about 50 notes

in the parking lot that day.

I got like 15

calls though. I wonder if he wrote them out or made copies.

What's that? I wonder if he wrote them out

or made copies of one note.

I wonder. I don't know.

Only I would think about that, right?

Gets bored one day, just starts

trying out a bunch of fucking notes.

That's one guy like left types

She's a label maker real quick

God bless

Hey, you've reached Mary Johnson.

Mary Johnson!

Let me transfer you to...

I don't know why these don't work out anymore.

Eh, it's probably the other day that it is, sir.

Have you had a lot of problems with them?

Well, sometimes, yeah.

You know, I do the pre-recorded stuff, so you don't notice it.

But sometimes it takes a long time.

There have been some good ones, though, this round.

Yeah.

I just wish I could give some to other people.

Like before, it isn't working out.

No, you don't.

You want them all for yourself.

You don't really.

You're greedy, greedy.

What are you talking about?

About?

Oh, my goodness.

Something about my car.

You leave me a note.

You call now.

Yeah.

Can you...

Yep, I'm back.

Oh, my God.

I'm back, okay?

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I definitely got talked to that bitch.

I'm sorry for your mother.

I'll have to talk normal.

If I throw the Dwight voice at her, she'll be like, oh, I don't understand.

I don't understand.

that i want your big hard white dick ching chow ching you put her name is ching chang ching chong

your call has been forwarded to the button

emergency drunk your call has been forwarded to an automatic message system

one more okay all right one more one more or i mean i can do hey roy this is uh my name is james

and I was calling in regards to a Nissan Juke

that has now expressed on the door

told me that you left a note

and we do appreciate that.

Could you give me a call back at 503-

Doesn't that sound like Cyclone?

Or two days ago.

But anyway, could you please give me a call back

and get my number?

He said it's a new car and they're bummed.

He didn't mention anything about guns

so it's not Cyclone.

Yeah, Cyclone. Or niggers.

It would have been an N-word joke

in there somewhere. For sure.

probably come up with a knock knock joke that's racist i was like i did a live show last week

and it went well yeah but you know usually it's it's like this it seems like

you want one more yeah keep doing it yeah there you left a note on my car saying sorry you dinged

it uh you can tell this is portland because everybody's so nice i've never watched

It's Portlandia.

I've got to watch that show.

No, it doesn't.

Well, it doesn't matter.

You can't prank call people in Portland because everybody's so fucking nice.

There's damn weed everywhere.

Yeah, everybody's just like, it's fine, man.

I mean, whatever.

Just call your insurance.

That's cool.

Don't worry.

Just give me a call.

No, you know what?

Don't even worry about it.

The fact that you called is just fine enough for me.

I'll take care of it.

Fuck you.

Man, you're bitter, Aaron.

I hate people.

Fuck you.

That's not right.

I hate people that live in Beaverton.

shit next sir you got any more yes roy this is the owner of the car that you dinged today

and give me a call back at zero three seven two zero yeah she's old portland she'll get mad i can

tell apparently roy had a hell of a day out at the mall he dinged over 50 cars he just went around

digging everyone grouchy lady so she gave another number than what was on the caller id so maybe

Maybe her son.

Yeah, maybe I'll get that one while you're dialing this one.

All right, here's this one.

Call.

Okay, Zach.

They got the other number.

No, really.

Where's the other number?

Get the number.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

I've got two more after this.

Two left.

Okay.

Can you turn into a pumpkin?

Or not.

Turns into a bat.

And he flies away.

Fred flies away like a bat.

Dripping.

Like, oh, what was that game?

Hi, sorry, I can't answer the phone right now

Conker's bad for they had a state I had a level where you're you turn it got turned into a vampire bed and you had

the attack by pooping

Where's some is four three four is that your is that Pennsylvania? I know it's over there somewhere

We gotta call you have the Google Brad, you know how to use it. All right

I got it, I got it, I got it

434, right?

You can just put in the 434 and now Google will tell you right off the bat

Split from the 804

Virginia, no, we're good

Virginia

Okay, alright, I don't even know what this one is

This could be fake or something

Goddamn fake

Alright, that's

right that's a z car a what z car

what's a z car 370 370 is the dumb denomination of a of a nissan z car oh oh you're a car 370z

Your car.

Those old Z's?

No, no, no.

They still make a Z car.

Oh.

Do you just, do you just work on Volkswagens or, I think I've asked you this before.

Do you just work on imports?

Well, I work on everything.

You reset the computers?

Yeah, I reset the computers.

How you doing there?

This is Roy.

I was returning your call.

I dinged the shit out of your car.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

What are you thinking?

What do you think the price is going to be on that?

I have no idea.

I was having a little bit of a bad day and when I parked, when I parked my car, it just

swung the door wide fucking open are you there sweetie yeah yeah i'm still here yeah i'm gonna

body shop did you see the uh you see the problem on the on the top of the car on the uh the roof

of the car well i was trying to uh i was trying to call my wife and uh i didn't get very good

reception so i went and uh i went ahead and climbed on top of the roof of your car and i

was standing there trying to get a better signal trying to make a yeah well there's uh i had some

special shoes on they're they're orthopedics and and they're a little hard sold and i think

i scratched the uh the top there orthotics yeah why are you pulling my leg like not pulling your

leg listen i was in a bad mood so i took a key i even you look on the roof it says

roy i spelled my name out this is a convertible sir what kind of a man hello you drive a 370z

convertible correct is that your wife's car no that's a car what kind of a man drives a 370z

convertible you need to take that back and get the coupe okay get the coupe and then get you know

get the get the infinity it's a better car this motherfucker is an insurance scammer anyway

this fucking bitch okay i'm gonna call back tomorrow we didn't hit you still there still

there sir we didn't hit your car we're doing a radio show and we're found out you're a scammer

we had we put notes on your car at the mall and on different cars at the mall without hitting them of

course and to see who will call back and say that oh i found something yeah i'm going to call the

insurance and scam a lot of money because i'm black and this is how i make money for you know

going on vacation and buying a boat jordan's i just looked at my my fender and well it's a piece

of i'm sorry i'm sorry thank you nice man i'm sorry i'm sorry we're sorry this is uh

We're calling from a radio station

in Salem, Oregon.

You've just been pranked.

Happy New Year!

My name is Roy the Nigger, and I do the calls.

That's his on-air personality.

You heard him.

My name is Roy the Nigger. How are you?

We'll call you at 244.

We called it 241.

We just shut up.

Michael Brown.

187.

Your neighbors asked us to call and prank you.

said you're a loud masturbator and you have a squeaky bed boy do you have a bt card do you

have an ebt card uh no i don't oh okay just wondering did you ever have one no i don't

never have do you have one no that's how we that's how we bought the car with an ebt card

i tried one i have one from all three states of my area oh you do what area would that be

I'm not telling you I thought sure you were from Texas and you listen your neighbors are

concerned they said you smell like baby powder and you drink 40s all day yeah yeah I heard

it but oh that's gross hey what's your favorite Lil Wayne song uh I don't like Lil Wayne are

you Lil Wayne he likes Lil Bobby you like Lil Wayne like Lil Bobby I'm Lil Wayne's daddy

Lil Wayne's daddy.

Well, that's not true.

Big Wayne.

Do you have a shirt that says hands up, don't shoot?

Lil Wayne's mom.

What's Lil Wayne's mom's name?

Lil Bobby.

I don't know.

What's your name?

That's your name.

Franken, huh?

Happy New Year, man.

Happy New Year to you.

And YOLO.

Bye, I love you.

Bye.

Love you.

Peace out, Corn Rose.

You might not make it another year.

I know I will.

I hope so.

Stay away from the guns.

Stay away from the drugs, man.

It's the first of the month.

crack hills you got any bank business on friday you should have taken care of it today or huh

i'll take care don't forget rent's due yes okay have a heart for people you got to be nice to

people oh shit i forgot about rent i did too oops you guys suck there boy

matt's messaging that he's back oh i'm sorry oh my god sorry matt back in the network

i mean he's he's driving a relatively expensive car so an audi no it's not like an audi it's

better than an audi and a mercedes combined i don't know if there's anything better than a

rolls there's a ford probe all right

invasive it is it really is listen boys we're approaching 12 minutes left until it's the west

Kostas' New Year's

Midnight

2015.

That includes all of California,

Los Angeles, San Francisco,

Oregon, and Seattle.

Oregon. Yay!

I guess

does Vancouver

celebrate it also now? What's right across

Seattle over there? Vancouver, right?

Well, there's Vancouver

Canada, but there's also Vancouver

Washington. Both of them.

Yeah, but I meant in Canada, Vancouver, right?

It's the biggest city.

Yeah, BC, yeah, yeah.

BC, all right, there you go.

The word around the campfire is that they have the best fireworks show in the world.

Well, because everyone's probably, you know, yeah.

Well, yeah, I mean, they're all Chinese there, so they just make the fireworks right there.

They make them right there.

A lot of Asians.

Chinaman.

Chinaman, yeah.

Hey.

Oh, dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.

Asian American, please.

Oh, dude, there's something I recommend you do, Matt.

Look up Firework Factory Fires on YouTube.

It's fucking awesome, man.

Oh, I've seen some.

Some of them are like, it looks like they've got to evacuate people.

Yeah, for like a mile radius and shit.

It's so crazy.

Yeah, it's like the most awesome fireworks show ever, though.

They're, like, making that shit for, like, kicks to stand around and go, ooh.

They're risking their life.

anyway but hey that's new years for uh milkman of course neon brad you're out there right aaron's

out there who else is already starting hey dirty aaron what's up hey motherfucker hi hi you don't

ever call yeah i know i don't call i don't write i know i'm like motherfuckers got me on its poster

sir yeah when he does a show he should put me on oh yeah well i don't think i i think i did like

four shows in 2014 so i know man we're gonna go for five we're gonna go for five next year

i would like uh one-fifth one-fifth of the credit you're in no problem damn god damn australians

oh we should have called australians we still can we got time yeah still got a we still got

hawaii thank you for calling lawn bowls usa this is brian i can't take the call right now

great way to make it sound like you really answered brian i know that was like sneaky

yeah yeah it was lucky strike in l.a it's a good cigarette what is it

that'll make that anymore do that hey i i like

Marlboro, Methals, or Newport, Smith.

Damn, Lucky Strikes are like super low budget.

They sure are.

Lucky Strike Lanes and Lounge at LA Live.

Lucky Strike is America's premier...

And it's probably closed.

I don't want to know.

Bam, bam, bam.

Yeah, what's open right now?

Well, we're trying bowling alleys.

Ooh, yeah.

They might be good.

Maybe some Chinese numbers and also some vape shops there, too.

I think this is the last of the bowling.

Oh, my God, I hate vape shops.

There's vape...

You know this?

Yeah.

I don't get out much.

For your convenience, you can now make birthday parties

and group bowling reservations from our website, goldcountryland.com.

She stuttered there.

For our hours and address, please...

Way to be stupid, girl.

Way not to answer, girl.

The problem with the vape people is it looks like they're carrying around

an electric razor and sucking on it.

They'll walk right out of the store and blow it just like it's no big deal.

They'll walk right out of the 7-Eleven or whatever

and you know just like because they can yeah i've got a little vape right here it's no like

bake everything all right listen this is the mandarin kitchen chinese yeah i like the part

of the show there's music ringing in the background where the phones ring here's young

chow yang chow rather sorry you think vape shops vape shops are open this time i think i think

possibly at a certain place

you can get bait shops

open for the guys going

ice fishing. You can get the

bait shops before they go

out. Bait shops.

Gotta get that bait.

Did that come through the mic?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Nice. I can taste it.

I mean,

it's just this condenser mic is super sensitive.

Is this where we're at now?

has it really degraded you listen that me and zack's around earlier and like

it's fucked up to be honest i'm just doing the fart noises like fading out

damn chinese that's gonna be too late for chinese right now though

unless you're like uh but you had a vape shop here okay let's see on mlk on mlk bulver

Martin Luther King Boulevard, run.

What was that old Chris Rockman?

The media's there.

Run.

Drive, run.

Out of there.

Real, like, every time I've been in Martin Luther King Boulevard.

Hello, you've reached Tobacco Junction.

Our normal business...

Tobacco Junction, please.

What's your function?

Ha!

Selling vapes to stupid people.

All right, here's a different one.

I really don't think Vapes House will open now, though.

No, I don't think so, either.

If you want more of them, call 7-Eleven, yeah.

Brad, can you get this in on a customer survey?

You know I suck at them.

I tried.

It was bad.

I did really bad.

I thought you did fine.

It just didn't work.

They didn't understand English.

So where's the big celebration in Seattle tonight?

Is it the Space Penis?

Yeah, Seattle's there.

Legend.

Legend keeps fucking...

What do you call legend?

Add him in.

If you add him in, I'll add him in here.

Add you in.

Less than four minutes left.

I did it.

Oh.

There.

I'll give you some Chinese restaurants in Honolulu.

Probably better luck with those.

Honolulu?

Yeah, okay.

All right, yes, indeed.

Thank you.

Good point.

Still got like two or three more hours to come.

Shit, am I going to go that long?

If I can stay up, I'll do it.

My commitment is over like after a half hour after New Year's for you guys.

7-Eleven!

Serious and real life trouble here.

Well, thank you.

Let me help you.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year

Okay

Mitch

Do you celebrate Chinese New Year?

Huh?

Are you Chinese?

Chinese?

Yeah, you Chinese

I don't understand Chinese Chinese

No, no

Chinese

Chinese?

Japanese

Dirty knees

What are these?

Look at these

I left my

I left my shit

I left my wallet in

That was so funny

Brad was gonna get us on corporate call, man

Oh

Oh, I fucked it up

She was still funny, though.

She was still funny.

He left his wallet in El Segungo.

Yeah.

Dude, I watched Alice in Wonderland today.

That Disney, 1951?

Yeah, and I was upset.

I didn't remember the thing with the oysters.

That's too, that's so sad.

Hello?

I know, they were so cute.

Mama Oyster said, uh-uh.

Hey, this is Roy calling from the corporate office machine.

How are you?

Oh, sorry, dog.

I can't tell when they pick up on this way

That fucking walrus ate killed and fucking let me aim every one the corporate office. My name is Roy. How are you? Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling from the 7-eleven corporate office. How are you? Yes, good

We'd like to do a customer survey tonight. Is there a customer we could speak we are close now. No open

No, I hear people there though

No, we are just leaving you fucking monkey banjo

bullshit he's close

one minute

dude the one across the street from me

used to lock up cause they got robbed

so many times

like 3 and 5 am

they start locking the door

alright well hey speaking of that

it's time

I hear fireworks

yeah I got fireworks at work

I'm only allowed to

we're back alright

thanks everybody who stayed

stay tuned in there while i took one last break new year's for the west coast

theoretically over 98 of our listening audience by now has uh snaz now celebrating the new year

all right yeah oh yeah all right coconut heads damn them all right so what do we do now um

Um, we got a bunch of coconut heads, yes.

And we got some locksmithesses I see Dwight got for us as well.

We're starting with another Chinese restaurant, this one in Honolulu, where hopefully they'll still be open.

Why wouldn't they?

Point.

Do I pass hand-pull?

See?

See what I'm telling you.

You're open?

Yeah, make a fucking order, bitch.

Stick with me, kid.

Stick with me.

Stick with me, kid.

All right.

Good advice from Matt Hillock.

You can't hang up.

Wow.

Wow. What is this off of?

Hello? Hello?

Hey, what was that off of?

That's a live Isaac Hayes album, yeah.

Dude, that was weird.

Well, you got it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Remember when he got canned from South Park?

You what?

When he got canned from South Park.

I thought it was that he wouldn't make fun of this Scientologist.

Yeah, hi.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, Chinese, can I make an order?

Maybe he remembers.

Can I make an order?

Hello?

Can I make an order?

Nothing is open already, sir.

Well, open now.

You're Chinese and you have hands?

Let's make some food, motherfucker.

I don't know what's your problem.

You come from the wrong place, brother.

No.

You call the wrong place.

You come from the wrong country.

You make fucking Chinese?

You fucking make my food, motherfucker.

Same to you.

Yeah, fuck you.

Same to you, brother.

I hope you have a very interesting 2015.

2015. Same to you.

I hope it's got a lot of excitement in it.

That's nice.

I hope a lot of prosperity on you

and your family.

Yeah. Motherfucker

small penis. Ooh, is it?

That's what they say, yeah, man.

I don't know. They're always covered in

pixels.

You're right.

Hello, Mr. Ching Chong. Or covered

in octopus.

King, king, king, king.

It's Japanese.

he's a bomber pilot i used to have one creepy buddy that's like if you want that real asian

porn you gotta go with the chinese fuck this japanese shit it's all big uh we got new lose

chop suey okay wait is this the old loop is what is this the old blue or is this the new

yeah new the old new old so this is the new room all right under new management

That night it really did sound like Baz was sleeping though. I wasn't here, but I was listening

fire didn't blame him he was like oh okay i thought it was neon that said oh he's too dabbed

out he fell asleep oh welcome how are you yeah let's make hello can i make an order oh when

food oh you know now we close already no you didn't we call nine we open tomorrow

why you pick up i think you're open now stupid because they're open

Same there.

We call now.

GI, you read now.

You pay now, read now, we call home.

Too bad I can't call that crazy line.

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

Oh, we close already.

Why, motherfucker?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

God damn it.

Dude, come on.

They got to yell.

They got to yell, scream.

They wouldn't know.

We wouldn't know how to open.

Okay.

Yeah, when you open again, stupid fucking asshole.

Oh, sorry about that.

We open at 1030 tomorrow morning stupid fucking shit motherfucker. Oh, thank you. Yeah

Close monkey little monkey. Oh, thank you. Bye fucking asshole

Like how is that okay with it?

All right continuing on now. That's the legend legend seafood restaurant. Did legend ever enjoy?

and then i haven't heard wake up neon that makes us the uh oh that's white

dwight's playing his thing oh my god that should be me should i be there to me that's dwight

hi honey i'd like to make an are you closed or open stupid

are you open no we are closing stupid fucking shit stupid fucking shit you stupid ignorant

yeah fuck you i'm coming to eat now motherfucker

now fucking you now yeah

no fucking you close no fucking open motherfucker you fucking up fucking open okay now

Open your legs. We need sushi pronto. Give us the fucking shit. Give us the fucking shit. We'll make it ourselves

Hello.

yeah hi fucking how are you okay yeah

fucking fucking what i want to make an order order yeah already no but open again now

motherfucking shit oh fucking you no fucking you big you big you fucking you big time yo

give it a general so secret sauce oh buddy i want your wife i want your wife pussy on some rice

pussy on rice i think it's ain't fucking american hey hey i'm a boxer they went to go

burn their american for it hey you're a retired boxer

still living in the fame uh have you seen the mike tyson mysteries

i saw the first one some of them are really funny yeah actually they were they were all

really funny so you can see them all like in less than an hour yeah yeah i've been watching

the uh the heart she holler that's pretty good i don't know what to tell you i do not

want to call that guy back for that lady whatever whatever that's right i'm down man lady she

keep saying okay he's a we need to call atlas's mom back to her to cut her

and word about five times also known as

anytime anybody says the n-word just crashed me up tonight

y'all snag a tooth asshole nigga no we're done with that one you know what

i'm done dwight why don't you do an after show

for alaska and hawaii well i don't think it's gonna happen yeah

You got to call Atlas back, though.

Pwnage.

Okay, good night.

See you, Aaron.

See you at the bottom.

Love you, bye.

Do a show, Dirty.

Okay, Atlas again.

I got to find the number.

It's at the bottom.

I just repasted it.

That's when I flash my genitals.

So everyone, I'm a man.

Be right back.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic.

No Atlas, Mom.

Alright, well, I'm done.

Thanks. Who's left here?

Neon Enigma. Matt.

Awkward. Mike the Donnie.

Thank you.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Peace out, nigga.

Everyone be sure to go over to

prankhallnation.com

slash, no, no slash.

Or you can put the slash there.

Go to prankhallnation.com

and also patreon.com slash prankhallnation.

I think that's what I was getting at.

I want to thank everyone who supported us in 2014.

2014 was like the first year of Prank Call Nation, and we, dude, grew really fast.

Grew really fast, motherfuckers.

Anyway, I'm out of here, and we'll see you, I guess, what is today?

Thursday?

Wednesday?

Thursday.

Tonight, in theory, should be Science with Sloth later tonight.

Okay?

Okay.

Bye.

Good night.

Prank Call Nation.

PCN NYE 2015 Show: Carlito Drops the Balls

Calls (48, 1 h 41 min of 4 h 4 min)

Transcript

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