Take A Long Walk Off A Short Pier

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense, Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If our nation ever comes under nuclear attack and you take shelter to protect yourself from radioactive fallout,

water is the key emergency supply.

Each person will need at least a quarter day, and if there's not enough water stored in your shelter,

here are additional places to find it, especially if you plan to use a home shelter where you'll be on your own.

Local authorities may instruct you to turn off the main water valve.

When you do this, the pipes inside the house will still be full of water.

Next, turn on the faucet located at the highest point in your house to let air into the system.

Then use water from the faucet located at the lowest point in your house.

You can also use water in your hot water heater, in the flush tanks, or water in ice cube trays, milk, soft drinks, canned juices.

If necessary, you can even drink water that's been exposed to fallout.

However, very young children should be given non-contaminated liquids when available.

For more information, consult your local civil defense office.

They got no business negotiating.

You're going back in there with a bullet for everybody in New York.

Is that right?

Do it later. Later it can be no use.

Besides, you're anti-social.

We gotta go in, right? Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

What, Mike Tucker?

Here we are. It is Carlito and Milkman.

Hey, Milkman, what's up, man?

Oh, yeah, money, dough.

Que fe, que fe, man.

So good to hear your melodious tones, my brother.

What you have in store for us exciting tonight, man.

man she that's what i got that's all i can say as far as preparation my preparation tonight was

man she that's all starts with h like preparation h yeah something like that man i heard preparation

mj mary jane michael jackson there mj mj no hey michael jackson i would never do that um

Madhouse Radio has begun

I am over at madhouselive.com

That is my main

My main website

Man, shit

Oh, look, it's two of me

Alright, so anyway

The website is madhouselive.com

Also, prankcallnation.com

Is the other website that I own and control

What is that website you own?

I don't own it

It's a conglomeration

It's prankcallnation.com.

Have you heard of it, Milkman?

Hey, man, Prank Call Nation, man.

That sounds pretty awesome, dude.

You know, I saw a Facebook page with a bunch of crazy heck on there, dude.

You know, I like that page.

And, man, I got a whole bunch of new friends, man.

You know, everybody ought to go out and like that Prank Call Nation thing.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't know you were invited there.

You weren't supposed to be invited to go there.

Like, you weren't supposed to be able to go there.

I know, but I used my real fake name, man.

Remember, I had to change my name.

Facebook busted me.

For all of you who don't remember, I was the famous milkman for at least five years.

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they said, nope, milkman is no longer acceptable.

Well, it happened to me.

I used to be Carlito Pranks up until not too long ago.

Now I had to change to Carlito Cross because I couldn't log in or anything.

They were like, no, fuck you.

Yeah, you didn't say shit to me.

Yeah, I was like, shit.

So I tried like pictures and know who all these fucking people are, you know, my fans and stuff.

And, dude, I mean, I love all of them, but, dude, I don't know half the pictures, you know?

I mean, I do the best I can to watch everybody's news feeds, but luckily I got through it.

And I had to change my name, so no longer am I allowed to change my name to anything else.

No, don't.

Even though I'd like to use my middle name, Milkman.

They will only allow me to Roger Franklin.

Now you have your real name out there, Roger Franklin, yeah.

I know, they made me put my real fake name up, dude.

I had to do something or I'd lose all my friends, man.

I got like 600, 700 friends, some shit like that.

You should have made up another name, not used your real fake name, man.

That's a mistake on your part.

I mean, how many people actually realize that I changed from the Milkman?

How I found out was whenever I click on people's like or whatever, they're like, who the fuck are you?

All of a sudden, I got this friend.

Hey, I'm the Milkman, Roger Franklin.

This is my real fake name, right?

I had to go through an explanation.

I had a big funeral on my Facebook page, putting the Milkman to rest.

And, you know, unfortunately, God rest his soul, man.

You know, he's still with us, but, you know, he's still banned from Facebook, man.

So, Roger Franklin now is the guy to be.

Yeah, and then fuck you, right?

Yeah, fuck me, dude.

Yeah, like, fuck you in the ass.

You're a fucking asshole, man.

I ain't Roger Franklin.

Because you're an asshole.

Not the man I'm fucking with, man.

If you're going to be an asshole, then fuck you, right, Milkman?

That's what you get.

Bastards.

Yeah, that's all it is, man.

Well, anyway.

China uses a lot of concrete, motherfucker.

You know what?

It's space.

Shall we get into the prank?

shall we get into the meat now let's get into it baby i'm in a tunnel so i don't know if i lost it

for a second or not but yes honk your horn in the tunnel honk your horn in the tunnel yeah i love

that yeah sounds like a little fucking your car's like

little piece of shit yeah yeah little piece of fuck all right looking at me now i'm anything

i'm honking at him you dummy you'll do whatever i say all right waving at and fuck you waving at

i got a new stainless steel amana refrigerator 18 cubic feet nice you got an airmana refrigerator

check him out baby what's that puerto rican version right this is puerto rica

i got an airmana

sound like a evil leprechaun when you talk like that

oh funny did you do no answer we'll do a quick call back just in case

Pump your brakes to this song, Milkman.

Oh, yeah.

Big Gus, man, my head's rocking, dude.

The whole fucking car is shaking.

Oh, yeah.

Why am I letting this ring out?

Yeah, man, I got some black chick over here, man.

She's pumping along beside me, man.

Okay, now I lost her.

She's sucking your dick, Milkman?

Yeah, man, we was in time here, man.

We was beating on the same grooves, even though she can't hear it.

Are you listening to Madhouse, baby?

No, I guess not, dude.

It's just luck.

She's just pumping at the same time, man.

all right milkman i got i got one for you i got a epiphony les paul guitar and case in really good

shape asking 200 asking 200 for a les paul guitar is that a good guitar machine right

how old is it uh ask him ask him and then tell him you want to break it as soon as you buy it

all right okay you want to break it like let it on fire like hendrix he wants 200 yeah all right

Yeah, you got a guitar for sale, man?

Do what?

You got a guitar for sale?

Yeah, my nephew does.

Oh, what kind of guitar is it, man?

It's an Amplifon Les Paul.

Amplifon Les Paul?

Yeah, Amplifon Les Paul.

Amplifon, I ain't never tried that.

What kind of brand is an Amplifon?

It's an Amplifon.

It's like a...

Amplifon?

Yeah, it's a...

Oh, you got a Les Paul Epiphone.

You got a copy, man.

You got a copy.

How much for the copy?

Well, he was asking $200 for it.

$200?

How old is it?

I'm not sure how old it is, really.

He got it for Christmas, and he thought he was, you know, he thought he was wanting to learn how to play, and you know how it is.

He's seven, and he, I guess, decided he wanted to try to do something else.

Yeah.

$200?

that's kind of steep there pops uh i'll bow like 50 man those things there you know at best were

100 when they were new no no this here's about 400 some dollar guitar but it ain't worth that

all i want to do man is just smash it up right at the end of my guitar set man so like i can give

you 50 man uh no that ain't can't do that it's not even worth 50 but i mean try to be generous

i said it's too good to get to her to do that to it man it's just a copy you just take that thing

you smash her up right there you know just toss her in the trash when you're done man

it's worth 50 bucks but you know i mean i've been generous about it well you ain't gonna get that

one for 50 what you're gonna do with it then you ain't gonna get no 200 for that thing that's for

for sure well we'll see you gotta take that piece of shit burner then baby because there ain't much

left you're gonna be able to do with there after you get done with that i could i could help you

out for 50 bucks man that's best i could do earn that earn that piece of shit man ask can i can i

jerk you off maybe and give you a hundred like i'll massage you and everything for an hour and

jerk you off at the end why was she giving 50 gives us 50 bucks right why was he gives us 50

He's just gonna stand and masturbate and watch

But then I'll do the actual

I'm a licensed masseuse

But I'm also a drug addict

So I do stuff like this on the side

After I smash your guitar

Can I just stick the neck of it in his ass?

I won't even charge him for that, man

Are you there, honey baby?

I'll give you a discount

Come on, pops

This is gonna be firewood, come on, man

I suck, dude

I love how you speak their language

You're like, actually, it's kind of funny

oh yeah i gotta talk shit but i don't know i don't gotta know where to go

you just gotta say something that's right you end up having to you have to say something really

crazy or really dirty and i'm trying to think how could i get the fuck out of this man because

it's a piece of shit guitar and there's no way he's gonna get no 200 for that shit

made a sound like a guitar 2600 it's a copy of a nice guitar so it's like uh it's a copy really

Right, right.

All right, here's someone who needs to buy some hay.

Like a copy of, you know, a nice Lincoln.

You know, it's like that difference between the two.

Milkman, will you be a Satanist with me?

Hello?

Will you be a Satanist with me here in this call?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

The white devil.

I see you were looking for some hay, bales.

Yes, we found some.

Do you want some more?

we're uh satanists and we were gonna have like a big effigy like a satanic ritual with the fire

and and we're gonna burn an upside down cross um but because of the weather we couldn't have it

we couldn't we our permit didn't get granted so i can put the uh um i can put milkman on he's one

of our head deacons yeah and he's got some more hay if you want some more hay we got tons of hay

We were going to start a big satanic bonfire, but the weather.

We hate to see this hay go to waste, you know, because we're responsible.

We're responsible, too.

We're both from New York.

We're from Albany, upstate New York.

We just moved here.

We're a gay couple.

I'm a white devil.

We just bought a ranch out here, this new development called Horse Machine Ranch.

uh milkman where are we located horse grishy ranch road that's right we got a bunch of hay

you need a lot he'll say he'll say the white devil said so he's our deacon he's real it's

a sabbath for us so he's real excited just celebrating tonight black sunday

huh virginia in virginia yeah no we're not in virginia honey no no we moved here to tennessee

Oh, in Tennessee.

We have a gay ranch here.

It's called Horse Machine Ranch.

There's a new development.

It's called Horse Machine Ranch, and it has, I think, about 1,000 ranches that are all 25 acres big.

Yeah.

In Rogersville.

Rogersville?

Yeah, and then we have a satanic ranch here.

We call it White Devil Ranch.

Black Sunday.

Yeah, so we had to cancel our black...

Black Sunday fire tonight.

So, you want to take some of these?

You want to take some of these motherfuckers?

You can take them for free, motherfucker.

Just take them for free, you motherfuckers.

We got all the hate you need.

Need light?

We have about 85 bales, I think.

85 square bales and about 20 round bales.

All right.

Yeah, Black Sunday.

All right.

Let's just say, how long is it going to take for...

You sounded like the fucking fireman.

What do you think she wanted to know?

You sounded like the firebat in StarCraft, man.

I never got a question.

Oh, shit.

StarCraft here tonight on the mouth.

98.6 the mouth.

We are simulcast on three fucking networks as far as Shoutcast is concerned.

The first one is the PCN stream.

You can tune into that if you're a Shoutcast user or would like to use Shoutcast.

I would say the best way is to head over to tinyurl.com slash PCN TuneIn.

Again, that's tinyurl.com slash PCN TuneIn.

And that lets you get straight to the TuneIn page, which is powered by ShoutCast.

If you're on a mobile device, it will prompt you to either open the station or in the TuneIn radio app or install it.

So it's a really easy way to listen to the show.

hell milkman you could even listen to tune in on a ford car man if it has ford sync on it you can

install it the tune in app and listen to madhouse and control it on the dash of your car man that's

how awesome technology is these days bro um but there's links to all that over at prank call

nation.com anyway milkman is having a connection issue you there buddy now i'm back hey how are

are you cool don't fucking fool me i went in the corner silence man you know my son

like that fell over my head no saving all you yeah man now don't forget also that we got a podcast

madhouselive.com slash prank cast that's my podcast or just go to madhouselive.com and it's

pretty easy to figure out how to subscribe from there of course prank call nation also has

podcasts every host has their own podcast link you can subscribe to and then there is of course

the main prank call nation podcast over there and once again if i haven't beat into your head

it's prank call nation.com milkman coming off a mute with a lot of music what's going on

we got a call coming in i don't know what that's an incoming call okay oh they hung up i didn't

get to it in time shut oh me not cool oh me not all right let me um let me mute that sound but

But, oh, yes, we're set up.

Dashie and Dwight have passed on some Craigslist ads, I believe, that were being used yesterday.

I think there was like a car, cars for sale and such.

So we're going to be accepting some of those as they come in.

No, I turned the sound off on it, so I have to catch them when they come in.

Okay, Milfan, but we might take some of those tonight.

That was just one.

I didn't get to it.

I got a Dodge Stratus.

I want to set them.

Dodge Stratus?

dodge stratus there we go all right 94 dodge status all right so next in this hillbilly town

that we call every week just about is someone who needs rosetta stone for spanish all right

call anytime hey hey hey here we go they said it right milkman they said call and look right here

you see it i'm showing it to you on the camera phone this is call anytime yeah look at that

Yeah, son of a bitch, right?

Call me later.

Hello?

Yeah, what do you say there, sir?

You said call anytime for a Rosetta Stone?

Hello?

Yeah, you said to call anytime if I had Rosetta Stone in Spanish?

Rosetta Stone machine?

Okay.

I'm calling!

I have it.

Well, good.

Actually, I have all 62 of the languages for Rosetta Stone.

They're hot, you know what I mean?

and i lifted them um but uh i can install it for you and everything works just like the real thing

and you don't you know you just pay me you don't pay because rosetta stone what's like a hundred

dollars and up right all right i'm not interested in this phone call thank you fucking pussy

motherfucker you oh wow i got a double he really hung up the phone that was ominous

Yeah, hi, buddy.

Come on.

Don't be like that.

Look, you just don't talk like the intelligent individual that I'm interested in dealing with.

You're an asshole.

Thank you.

Yeah, asshole.

Please keep calling.

Okay.

Sure.

Yeah, sure.

So you're giving us permission to call again?

Hey, we have an incoming call.

To accept, press 1.

To accept with recording, press 3.

Hello?

Hello, um, I read your ad in the instead of Craigslist.

You what?

I read your ad in the Craigslist for, um, the TV.

Yeah? Which one? Tell me. I have a lot of them. I'm a pimp.

I think the one you have, the 40-inch Panasonic.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm interested.

Uh, you need, uh, what's the, can you read the ad to me so I make sure I have the right one, please, honey baby?

Hello?

Can you read the ad out to me so I make sure I have the right one, please?

Um, okay, wait a second.

come on damn it come on hurry up this guy's gonna put us on hold fuck him i'm hanging up on this

let him call back when he's ready come on you don't show up to an interview

you know five minutes late and they you know tell you what are you applying for you're like

you don't call the madhouse line and then get constipation right in the middle of the call

Fuck yeah

I want to say what's up

We are in tiny chat tonight

I am broadcasting in there

Me Carlito

Right now we're joining the ride with Big Gil Mumbo

My man Pearl Man O'Neal

Our only black listener

What's up man

And Weeping Angels here

Yeah Weeping Angels

Yeah

Almost awkward guy ever

He's watching C-SPAN

And showing it on his TV

and his old-ass TV.

Dude, I'm going to fire up

at Celebration Tribute Bond, dude.

Oh, I missed a call.

Shit, I wasn't watching.

See, see?

I got to give that a sound

or I'm not going to catch him.

Well, leave the sound on just for now

while it's me and you,

and then, you know,

when the other people come on,

then turn it off.

Yeah, when those other...

But I have to put them on

because of the contracts and stuff.

Here's someone.

Here's someone, Milkman.

You ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To accept, press 1.

To accept with recording,

Press 3 to send a voicemail.

Hello?

Hey.

Yeah, well, you taking a long time making me wait, motherfucker.

You know?

Huh?

You making me wait a long time, motherfucker.

You know, waiting on you.

Yeah.

I have to pull up the ad so I can read it to you.

But taking a long time, long time, motherfucker.

¿Qué pasa, man?

What happened?

¿Qué pasa?

It's a Panasonic 40-inch TV, LED TV.

Keep going.

What else to say?

The TV. I'm interested in a TV selling on Craigslist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. $50.

Where are you located?

You want to meet at Walmart's?

When?

When can you, how long will it take you to get to Walmart's?

In 10 minutes.

10 minutes? I can be there in 10 minutes. You got my number, right?

Yeah, but the size of the TV is the 40 inch, right? The Panasonic.

Yeah, yeah. Panasonic-o. It says Panasonic-o.

The LED flat screen, right?

mm-hmm hd tv led look i'm reading hd tv led plasma usb 3.0 dvi hdma

solid state drive smart remote youtube red box i'm reading this to you

what's the problem yeah i'll meet you one more okay all right i'm gonna be down there in a

a ford f-150 a red one what are you going to be driving a beaner car oh me yeah a black car

mazda mazda right yeah is it dropped low yeah is it low no um not it's not dropped low you got

bass you got bass who me yeah you got some bass in it huh hello hello yeah you got bass in that

you got some bass in it yeah yeah oh cool yeah i guess i got bass in my car you want we can play

We can have a little car show there, you know?

Yeah, I just thought I'd come by the TVA.

Your car's whack, probably. I know.

All right, so 10 minutes.

I'm going to go.

I've got to throw some shoes on and some pants,

and I've got to wipe up this mess on my belly here.

So what did you ask me for?

$50.

Just give me a call when you're in the parking lot,

and I'll tell you how close I am if I'm not there already, okay?

I'll get my money ready for you.

Okay. All right, baby.

bye baby yeah bye baby baby oh he's he's ready man he's hot and ready for 50 50 tv

what do you mean baby well they just come in like fish on them deals don't they

yeah really do oh shit all right like a dollar inch yeah well we wait for the next one we can

call some more swap shop all right dude we're gonna do the tribute man we're gonna do the

tribute it's gorilla grape gorilla grape does it taste like grape milkman no it doesn't taste

quite like grape it's really dank and it's so fucking resin out dude like you can't hardly

even fucking believe it when you do it through the bong the the smoke itself creates like a little

resin like bubble in the water man you got like resin bubbles floating around it's the wildest

thing i ever seen man wow now

you got to do something with the water, man.

You can't waste that.

You got to drink it or something, right?

Well, I'm thinking, like, if you take those little bubbles out and you squeeze them in, it's just goopy.

It's all over your hands.

You can almost, like, dry it out and make cash out of it.

It's just, like, solid resin.

You know what you need to do?

You need to do like they did over the oil spill, the New Horizons oil spill.

You need to spray a chemical over the water to make it dense so it falls to the bottom, right?

Who was that shit that was spraying on it?

I don't know.

It was some really bad shit.

Cortisol or some shit.

I don't know.

it was some really bad shit whatever it was it was fucking the most stupid retarded idea ever

let's get let's get the oil out let's make it sick to the bottom of the sea it won't hurt

bottom anyway yeah fuckers yeah dude i saw with oil and they'll be rotten so no one ever

i saw a vice video um regarding uh an outfit that has created a is a gentleman i think it's

just a guy who's an indian i believe as a matter of fact um which reminds me of something else i

need to talk since we're in a talking moon right now anyway he basically created like an oil magnet

out of i forget i think it's out of magnetite or something i forget i think it's magnetite

and it's basically just like you put it in the water and all the oil just comes straight over

to it and you just pull it right out it's like an iron it's like an iron compound yeah like not

Not quite steel.

Oh, I remember now.

I'm sorry.

Instead of going over all that oil, we got a call.

Hold that thought milk, man.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They hung up anyway.

Anyway, so you, yeah, instead of spraying those chemicals over the water, over the oil to make it sink,

instead they're spraying, they're just dumping magnetite out of it, which is, he says,

As this guy was saying, there's a naturally occurring blah, blah, blah.

It's in the sand already anyway on any ocean.

You can find it in the sand anyway.

It's definitely better than the alternative.

But basically, you dump this magnetite into the oil, and that makes it magnetic.

And then he proved you can extract the oil using just magnets at that point.

It actually skimmed the water with magnets, and like 90% of the oil can be removed.

Yeah, dude.

yeah isn't that great thinking right and it's just like common you think it's kind of common

sense and this guy's like oh i know what to do speaking of which dude like um i have indian

neighbors uh downstairs and to the left from my apartment and yeah all right so here's what

happened so i'm outside i'm uh wife is smoking a cigarette i'm i'm uh smoking a cigar outside on

our balcony and it was snowing a lot yesterday we got a few inches i believe maybe i'm exaggerating

we got some we got some snow but so listen there's uh about a building and a half that

it's entirely indians that live there indian families and they're all like a little clique

they hang out together the kids play together etc etc nice people nice people for some reason

at about oh 6 p.m um an indian left one of the houses in his shorts in the middle of

of really cold windy and snow temperatures and snow in his shorts and like basically like

shuffled really fast to his to his own place and then i'm like okay whatever so i i had my i was

reading a book on my ipad um and on the bed and all of a sudden i heard the most loud indian

swearing from a woman she was saying like all the bancho and all this stuff shit and oh wow

smacking him smacking his ass like i heard like like three or four times wow did you video him

no i didn't video it i could hear it i didn't see it i could hear it we're not gonna video

and they'll do it i mean yeah like anything though the document okay continue that's it

no it was really funny and he ended up because so we're thinking he was cheating on his wife

it looks like he was cheating on his wife with one of the indians like two door two or three

three doors down.

Got caught.

Like the wife probably found out,

called him from there,

figured it out.

Pancho in the family.

He came running and got his ass beat.

That seems to be what happened.

Pancho.

Yeah,

yeah,

exactly.

What's the one sister,

what's the one sister,

what Pancho?

Pancho.

Eric,

can you mute yourself while you do that?

Jesus Christ,

man,

I had to mute you.

God damn it.

If you're going to hit dabs,

fucking mute yourself.

Mute it!

What is it?

mute yourself if you're gonna do that hello are you listening forget it why do i even try

i can't hear you over the blowtorch hermano what are you saying what i didn't hear nothing

what would i be saying what would i be telling you right i couldn't hear anything man yeah yeah

the blowtorch yeah the blowtorch is too loud i know i know right fucking blowtorch

What the fuck are you?

All right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that wasn't good.

Keep smoking that poison.

Keep doing that poison.

Get it in you.

Yeah.

Keep it up.

Let's see if Costco's still open.

I don't think so.

They close at 6.

Negative contact on Costco.

Chevron Food Mart.

No phone number.

Never mind.

They should be open.

Well, no phone number, but AM, PM is open, and let's shoot for a breaker call.

I do hold the record.

Do you have a special deal on hot dogs?

I don't know.

You can get, like, a hot dog and a drink, a special deal on a hot dog and a drink.

You hungry, Milkman?

I think you'll get the munchies.

I'm thinking, like, if you can get a discount on the special deal.

This sounds funny to you because you're high, Milkman, but thank you for sharing.

I know.

Deal.

Fuck the rent.

Oh, man.

Fucking nice.

I couldn't hear you.

The blowtorch is too loud.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Motto, I can't hear you.

Hang on.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling from AMPM Corporate.

how are you yeah yes good good this is authorization 228 i need you to uh go ahead

and go to your breaker room we're gonna reset your breakers really quick um you're gonna have

to give me a minute okay thank you no problem time's up time's up it's a minute he has a few

seconds left so i said time's up he didn't say a second he said a minute time's up what you say

is moment can i have a moment please that's the trick because moment is relative you can take an

an hour or just how about please stand by you know how long do you stand and what exactly is by

you're supposed to correct way customer service wise is you're supposed to act the cuss ask the

customer so you feel like you're make letting them make the decision if you can hold just like

what they always say we hold please no okay they get so shocked no what do you mean no

that's why i love the daytime stuff dude because like they get really they're not used to weird

weird ass people calling like if you work in some random office yeah yeah expect routine yeah i'm

gonna have to do a daytime show and i think hello sir are you listening to me don't listen to the

conversation hello hang on we can't we can't do this now he's listening stupid we're stupid oh

he hung up fucking shit damn it i didn't even hear him dude no because we it was my fault i was

all talky talky anyway um brad came back i'm sorry brad keeps saying i should do a daytime show

He said that on his last show

He's got some numbers for me to do

I haven't done

Oh shit

I should have bought the newspaper today

Motherfucker

I should have bought the newspaper today

The Sunday paper

That's what I wanted to do

Orlando Time

What?

You should have the Orlando Time

Dude you ought to have it like emailed to you

It's Orlando Sentinel

I know

I'm the Orlando Sentinel

Orlando Magic Sentinel

Yeah right

Orlando Tragic right now

But whatever

Tragic

You know how bad the magic are right now?

This is my team

I still love him to death.

But listen, we fired our head coach because our record was so bad.

Quickstar?

Quickstar.

We fired the head coach and put the assistant coach as the head coach.

And the assistant coach is having a better winning record with the team

than the head coach that was experienced in getting all this.

Jacques Vaughn was his name.

And now they got this Borrego guy.

He's doing a good job.

But hey, fuck it.

I can't talk sports well because everyone goes,

you're not talking about sports.

That's what they say right now.

Are they like 0-30 now?

0-30, is that what they're at?

No, no.

They're not that.

I think they only got 16 wins.

They're not that good.

No.

I don't think they're dead last.

Let me check.

Hang on.

Now I've got to check.

I don't think Magic are dead last in the league yet.

I still think there's other teams that are outperforming them

as far as tanking is concerned.

We can't even get that right, motherfuckers.

Do you have a fantasy basketball league, too?

No, dude, because fantasy basketball, you have to, every day you have to update it.

Same with baseball.

It's way tougher.

You have to stay on top of it every day because there's a game every day.

Now, fantasy football.

I thought you had to do that with football, too, though, right?

No, fantasy football, remember, there's only one game a week per team.

You know what I mean?

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

There's a lot more games.

That's why it's way more fun.

Dude, fantasy basketball.

I did it once and quit another year because it was just way too much.

Every day and injuries.

And this is, fuck me.

Shoot myself in the head.

So what was your fantasy WNBA team?

Which one was it?

It wasn't WNBA.

It was NBA team.

First of all.

Ignorant.

Stupid ignorant.

What's wrong with the WNBA?

Come on, man.

It's basketball, baby.

There's no Orlando WNBA team anymore.

It's been gone for like 10 years.

I don't care.

Well, I'll tell you what.

WNBA, what are you talking about, dude?

There's plenty of lesbians out there.

Well, it's a good day for me.

It's a good day for me because everyone here is a 76ers fan,

and Magic beat the Sixers today, 103-98.

Yeah, buddy.

Yeah, right.

Let's hear it for the lesbians, man.

Stop it.

I like that WCNBA, dude.

Come on, dude.

I thought it was hot.

Dude, the Magic are on a roll.

Let me see their last.

The Magic are 19-39, and this is after the All-Star break now.

We're like a week and a half, two weeks after the All-Star break.

We're still doing better than Philadelphia, who we beat tonight.

We are nine games ahead of the Knicks.

So, yeah, we're pretty – we're not the worst,

but by far 19-39 is on a good record.

Our last 10 games we were 4-6.

We were 4-6 in the last 10 games.

Nice.

I'm going to break it down in league.

We're going to do some more calls in a second.

Hang on.

Shut up.

The Lakers are –

Am I having a conniption fit?

No, I'm not looking at the chat, but I'm sure there is.

We're also better than the Lakers, who are 13 and 41,

and the Minnesota Timberwolves, who are 12 and 42.

Yes.

Guys, give me Armando the hard time.

I'm going to show up now.

All right, let's get back to prank calls before we get shot or something.

Let's do some calls.

We're waiting for the guy to show up at Walmart.

I'm going to have to get tough on some ass out there, baby.

You listening to me, Milkman?

Hang on.

You don't have to be in luck.

I'm saying we're waiting for that guy to show up at the Walmart.

He's going to call.

But I called him baby.

I think he was going to until I called him baby.

You know that?

that well did he say he was gonna call he never reacted like he wasn't gonna show up dude yeah

but at the very end i said okay baby and he's like baby and he hung up maybe he was like oh

fuck that i ain't going there you call me baby this is what he said you don't call me find out

if he's there yet and then if he if he says he's not then tell him you're there and you know and

you're gonna you know you're gonna sell to somebody else for 20 and that's it didn't shut

up ass white yeah and then shove it up milkman's ass here's someone looking for a good cook wood

stove. That's exactly what it says.

Don't ask me. I don't write on my

call. Thank you for not showing up

and trusting the madhouse.

Hello? I don't know what's happening there,

man. That wasn't me. That was just silence.

Yeah, you were silent.

I'm not blaming you, man. It's cool.

We're okay, man. I don't want to get

in line. Hello?

Maybe it was the music.

This is Lacey. You know what to do.

No, I don't, bitch.

Yeah, what to do?

I'm no fan sister.

uh yes it was voicemail we got a 99 jeep cherokee for sale let's try it

a 99 what 99 jeep what cherokee

oh yeah dude that's probably at least like what 150 dollars needs tires

oh fuck you definitely feel like i'll 75 then

my baby mama beat me seven o'clock please leave your message for four two three two

look in the ass analingus that's what she said back then you're back now

The record Skip Milk, man.

What were you saying?

Remember?

That was your girl, man.

She was on you, man, for wanting to lick her ass, man.

Remember?

Did his wife?

All you white guys just want to lick my ass.

Asshole lickers.

Yeah, asshole lickers.

Asshole lickers and whatever you say.

you peck of wood ass man she got in a whole anti-white rampage because of you man hermano

i don't understand why man kiss my pussy that's all i miss are acres i got a job for you acres

i'm page and acres man okay page and acres man speaking of acres let's call deborah man still

oh that's right kiss my pussy kiss my pussy kiss my pussy hello yeah hi how are you hello

Yes, hi, how are you?

Hello, can you hear me?

Yes, who's this?

You're looking for a regulator for a Honda ATV?

Yes, my husband was.

I think he's already ordered one.

Oh, but I can get it.

He can cancel the motherfucker, and I can get it to him cheaper, you know?

I'll come grab your breasts and smell your hair.

Who are you?

I'm Eddie.

Who's Eddie?

That's me.

And what are you talking to me for saying fucking?

No, I didn't say that.

I want to talk to my husband.

Okay, thank you.

I don't know.

And you go fuck yourself, motherfucker.

Hey, come on.

Let's not do that.

Hello?

Well, what are you calling for?

I've got a few rectifier regulators for Honda ATVs.

I wanted to sell them all to you for $10.

But that woman over there was coming on.

You have your wife over there who told me to come and that she would jerk me off for them.

Hey.

Yeah?

Shut my motherfucking mouth, you nigger mother.

Your what?

Your what, sir?

What the fuck was that?

Boy, I tell you, that guy there is sassy.

Damn.

Sassy old motherfucker.

You're a motherfucker.

You can barely get it out before you have a stroke, you money doll.

You're a motherfucker.

What is wrong with him talking like Larry Flint?

Yeah, I got to call him back, man.

Larry Flint.

I didn't say fucking.

I just said grab your breasts.

Or your hair.

Hello?

hello hey you well motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker

you can hear what he's saying he turned the tv on to try to get here

piece of it's just tv sounds like uh family food over there that was funny i think

Now, chat room, remember that for title of the show.

If I don't forget, because I forgot last week, but at the end of the show,

I do ask everyone who's on the conference for the show

and everyone in the chat room to suggest a title for the show.

Whatever the fuck it was he said, I might make a good title.

What did he say exactly?

I don't even know what he said.

Suck my whatever, you nigger-loving son of a bitch.

That motherfucker.

Nigger motherfucker.

Well, we can't put that as a title because that's offensive.

You would put it down.

You would.

I'm saying that any of his behavior, his speech was proper in any way.

It's horrible.

We may have to just use X to convey the message.

Calling him back.

pick up hang up all right we'll leave him alone that was fun though guys maybe i'll save that

number for dwightish dwidget let me say that to dwight he might find that fun let me copy pasta

see i got my i got my boys backs and girls the girl one girl we got here chesty larue who does

a show on saturday night i gotta put in an area code motherfucker in here but in the meantime

Timeless call.

Someone who's got a Magnavox Hi-Fi stereo forehead VHS and DVD recorder.

Oh, my God.

Milkman, I know you want this.

Go on radio and expect people to listen, you know, because it does sound rather orchestrated, doesn't it?

Yeah, man.

I feel conspiracy.

Click.

Hello.

Hi.

You have a VHS to DVD recorder machine?

Yes, I sure do.

Oh, yeah.

Is it nice and sexy?

I'd say so.

Okay, good, good.

Is it yours or someone else there in the house?

It's mine.

Okay, all right.

And it works good?

Did you ever clean it?

Did you ever run a cleaning cassette in it?

I did, but, you know, it's been a while.

I've had it unhooked and everything.

Okay.

Let's see.

How long has it been since you haven't used it regularly?

I would say maybe a couple of years.

Big penis, right?

Do what?

And it takes two tapes or just one?

One tape in and one DVD tray?

It's one.

You stick your dick in it?

Just one?

One of each, right?

Hello?

Whatever, I was being stupid.

I was going,

Whatever.

What the fuck is that about?

He tried to hold on even after two little outbursts there, man.

Two little, you know, mental spasmoids there.

I had something I was going to tell him and I forgot.

So I just went, I resorted to,

stupid i'm such a pro i want to thank everyone in the who has joined the tiny chat what's up

everybody polaris bob vance carlitas is in there big little mumbo's playing his guitar

dark strangler is in there uh her hair is looking kinky she's got lights pearl man o'neill is there

what's up homie he's wearing an m&m jacket he's a big fan of uh number 28 who drives the m&m car

uh whatever his name is jimmy trickle oh my god he's got the whole uniform pearl man man brothers

don't really be watching that nascar what's up with that man she's kind of soft you know

he's got much love for me he says if he's referring to me i don't know pearl man if

you're saying love to me put your do a thumbs up somebody done it's called was it called black car

oh um the burgess those were scripted but he did thumbs up good thanks he's honest

the mr bird just calls yeah but they were scripted i know some of those are some are

scripted but they're funny as fuck though i mean like just for what they are it's funny because

if it if it really was scripted which i believe that's the case um coming up next we have and

these are all in tennessee you guys know the story uh she has there's a lady here who has

for sale or trade tent and supplies for 135 bucks and a full bookcase bed frame you see the thing

with like those bookcase bed frames and like bed frames that have slots on the side for you to do

shit with i never end up doing anything with those motherfuckers because like it's it's too

out of reach like i don't think like i need to get a book i'm gonna go to the floor at the base

of the bed to get you know my encyclopedia you know what i'm saying it doesn't make any sense

milkman i mean like shelves underneath the bed part yeah when they tried you know putting little

little shells on the bottom of the feet of the bed and all that shit.

Yeah.

Now,

like,

those are kind of all right.

Like,

if you got like,

like blankets or clothes or shit like that,

you know,

that are flat,

you can scoot under there.

But I mean,

you're really limited about maybe to about probably 12,

14 inches at the most in height.

Yeah.

I mean,

it's good for putting shit like that under there.

Other than that,

you know,

leave it the fuck alone.

But that way you don't have to sweep under there.

If you got drawers,

that's another thing.

You don't have to sweep in there.

if you have what do you mean if you got drawers under there yeah but you still gotta dust that

shit it's actually harder to dust it man because you don't really have to if you're not they were

not talking about the same thing i'm talking about like underneath the mattress like they've

got areas now where you can put like like drawer storage underneath where the mattress sets do you

mean under the bed is that what you're talking about the space under the bed yeah i'm talking

in the actual frame mattress and then you're like there's a mattress and there's a floor gap right

and there's normally like a gap there you can like slide your you know you can like almost

slide underneath of it when you're a kid you could slide under it you know i'm talking about

now they put shit underneath and there's some oh yeah is that where you went to touch yourself and

stuff i give up the bathroom i can't visualize i'm trying to visualize what you're saying but i'm just

you know i take my medication at night and i don't always think straight all right it's your

turn i'm gonna give you a hit of gorilla grape this will help you hey you have for sale um a

full bookcase bed frame what you got a bookcase bed frame damn it uh thank you does let me let

you talk to my son okay okay fucker just hold on all right she could be fine she's a country

yeah hello yeah hey boy how you doing i guess all right me too man you know i woke up today

had a really bad bowel movement oh look um you gotta oh it's eddie i saw you got a full bookcase

bed frame for sale for 50 bucks yeah how many books can that case hold like how does it work

exactly where's the books held at oh no man i didn't say anything to him maybe she was like

he said well you started out saying fuck dude i mean when you get a country fuck like that

go cool because they you can like really push them for a while before they'll hang up on you

go cool so i said just be mellow with them yeah be cool man be cool well the country ones are

kind of because you can play with them more dude if you be nice to them for like the first

minute or two yeah you're right you're right the phone's busy now shit um you can get more mileage

job because they're willing to give you a chance to be nice to them even though you're being mean

if you start out right you're right you're right you're right all right listen someone has a 2000

chevy metro that runs and drives great that sounds like a shitty car right a chevy metro oh i remember

those that's like a really no frills fucking sedan right chevy metro there's a oh they're teeny tiny

right there's a little like this little oh you know what yeah they used to be they used to be

geo metros as a matter of fact and then when yeah and which was chevy anyway but when geo folded up

i think chevy kept the line going as a chevy metros yeah that's a probably a car let's find

out a little piece of shit like this it was like a four-cylinder car that had like two or three

cylinders have some bullshit like that you could cut out it would switch the cylinder off and do

dumb shit like that yeah way under power turn the air conditioner on the hill dude the fucking car

would be parked we're gonna move it all on the air conditioner you can just park the motherfucker

supercharger by turning off the reach the voicemail box of we'll try again for the metro

yeah i'm pushing motherfucker if you turn on the air conditioner you're going up for hell

and you turn on the air conditioner you got i'm pushing man hey

motherfucker how are you i see you got this uh i'm sorry i said that i'm

sorry i was drinking you have a bel air 65 bel air my roommate oh shit why did he do that i wanted

it what an asshole right uh does he jerk off inside the car ever excuse me did he ever jerk

jerk off inside the car?

What are you talking about?

Well, it has 118,000 miles on it.

I'm sure he jerked off in there at least once, right?

Or someone jerked off.

See, at the point where they've sold it,

I've got nothing.

Perhaps you and him had sex in it.

Yeah, at that point, I can't do anything with it.

So I just, then I'm crude.

I think he's really upset because they had sex in it,

and he's had memories,

and he's going to have to part with those tender memories.

Just thinking about it, that's why he got upset.

said he'd probably get teared up when he heard that probably uh we got some we got numbers from

don't worry we're gonna get to those in a moment but we do have someone who will pay for cash for

old wooden basketball bats made in tennessee old wooden basketball basketball what the fuck

oh baseball i read it wrong with basketball or a wooden bat you know the saying that's that's

queer than a base than a football bat milkman mute yourself listen if you're gonna do that

mute yourself please don't don't make me i'm already on edge right i'm already angry i'm

running in a bad mood but man shit you're not doing the calls you get the button aren't you

scared of that thing blowing up in your face i would be do i sound scared you sound like you're

on drugs and you don't care you know what happened to richard prior right i don't want to call that

one back instead we got someone looking for a good running car between a grand and seventeen

$1,700.

We've got a Chevy Metro, huh?

Milkman smokes, what is that again?

Granddaddy Purple?

Yeah, Two Banger.

What are you doing, Big Daddy Purple?

What is it?

Gorilla Purple?

Purple, Purple Urple.

Purple Urple.

That's what you're smoking, Purple Urple.

Yes.

Don't mess with me, Milkman.

Is that what you're smoking?

You were saying Gorilla before.

Be condescending.

Gorilla Grape, and then that's Purple Urple.

Purple Urple Wax.

... mailbox that has not been set up yet.

Oh, man, that sounds complicated, dude.

all right the running car is not going to be an answer following you these are is either turned

off or just busy so we got a male german shepherd to give for a good home probably gone already by

now because this ad was put in on tuesday it's almost a week old five days old what kind of what

breed of dog was that racist dog you had when you were a kid we're sorry we're sorry milkman what

What was the breed of dog?

You had a dog when you were a kid, you said, right?

That was racist?

What breed was it?

Was it a Labrador?

Racist.

You said it was racist.

That would go after black people.

You said this in a private conversation.

I had a dog named Sam.

Sam?

Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah.

What breed of dog was he?

Sambo.

Oh, that's right.

That was your dog's name, Sambo.

What breed of dog was he, I'm saying, though?

Come on.

He was a beagle.

He was a beagle, dude.

Okay.

Okay, Sambo the Beagle.

Tommy Brown, Snoop the Beagle.

All right.

Yeah, Sambo the Beagle.

Now, listen, before we get to the numbers that were sent in by Dwight McClanahan,

we'll get to the ones sent in by JAG, who are supposedly Great Clips numbers,

but I don't know, like, what's the deal?

Are these, like, haircut people?

Are they looking for work at Great Clips?

Are they applying for work, rather?

Please explain me.

Are they customers?

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, did someone call from Great Clubs Corporate, quote-unquote, air quotes.

So until I get an answer from that, I'm going to mark those as standby, standby 15.

If not, you're going to do one sample call later if you don't hear from them and see what the fuck it is.

I don't know, dude.

You got blown the whole pot.

Yeah, and real quick, Milkman, I don't think you know about this, but a prank call.

um one of the prank calls that was performed on a madhouse radio episode on the 8th of february

our episode on the 8th again um was has been in the blog sphere and it actually made time

magazines web news website uh huffington post who else made it the consumerist had it yes

uh because we got some of these comcast cares tweet uh tweets basically customers tweeting

tweeting comcast with their service problems um and the community as a whole you know dwight jag

the community as a whole have been doing this for a long time now um but i guess someone who

owns a blog finally got a call it was during our show um it started off with if i believe it started

off with dwight i know everyone who was on it was it was a call with at some point or another dwight

White, Baz, Jag, Neon, and Dirty Aaron and me contributed to the call, yes.

And it's been making the rounds.

Basically, usually the head of the article will say that.

Hackers are calling Comcast customers to curse at them.

Brad already mentioned this on his show.

I won't get into the particulars.

You dirty hackers.

It's pretty funny.

We should have put that on the news reel over at Prank Call Nation, you know?

Yeah, or put it on one of the podcasts.

I put that, you know, the thing on the podcast, you know?

A podcast?

What are you talking about?

Silly.

Here's someone says that there's a Comcast, not a complainer, a Comcast praiser.

It says, all is good.

You've reached the office of the vice president for Lifeway Research.

Please leave a message.

Oh, Lifeway, huh?

That's his work number.

It ain't going to work.

What's LifeWay?

Is that one of those Amway things, Milkman?

Do you know?

I don't know what that is.

It's definitely not Amway.

Okay.

Denise is in Georgia.

She said that she would love to, if we had cable, fix it now, whatever.

She's replied to Comcast.

Let's see what it is.

Cable spaces boxes machine.

Get your name out to the tone, and Google Voice will try to reach.

Romeo family.

family. This is Bill

at Comcast Customer Service.

Too loud. Too loud.

Too loud. You're too loud.

You've reached the Romeo. Oh, no.

You're right. That sound effect is

really loud. I wish I could do something about it.

I don't know. The sound effects here have been really messed up

lately. They play way too loud.

All you do is just go to

take and put them in sound

and record them at a lower level.

That's all. Oh, fart shit.

You've reached the Romeo. We can't come

to the phone right now, but if you will leave us

the message. We'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Thank you.

I knew a kid in school, Chris Romeo.

He got a blowjob when he was eight years old.

It was awesome. What? What I just

said. I didn't stutter.

Tia McGuire. Seriously,

he was eight years old and another girl. This girl was

a whore back when she was eight years old still. I forgot

her name. I forgot her name,

but his name was Chris Romeo and

he asked her to give him a blowjob

and she said, yeah, sure. And they went down to

one of the trees on the

schoolyard and blew him

Are you sure 8?

I think that sounds a little bit far-fetched

That's like a 3rd grader

He was in the 4th grade

So what year was that?

4th grade, how old are you in the 4th grade?

8 years old, right?

8 or 9?

You're 5 when you're in kindergarten

And 4th grade is 9 years

So he was probably 8 or 9 years old

Yeah, he got a blood job

I'm not kidding, he did

And then he got ratted out

But this one other kid ratted him out

And they both got in trouble

trouble and she was always she was really it was hard to i knew her and even in high school the

girl and she was really promiscuous never got with her um although i did catch up with her like

when i was in college like two years after i'll tell the truth that's who you lost your cherry

too no i didn't shut up i never did i was supposed to go on a date and i ditched her

to go out on a date with another girl instead oh hi stop singing uh anthony says he got a call

might want to look into that they claim they were comcast they already got a number

they already got a call they already got one of your calls guys okay i can't do that one

larry robinson says please get it together direct tv i'm trying to watch the academy oscars on abc

that was a long time ago when were the oscars are the oscars tonight no it's tonight oscar night

Yeah.

Yeah, they're supposed to be.

I was confusing Grimy Night.

Oh, yeah, tonight is Oscar Night, isn't it?

All right.

Yeah.

It's a big bunch of bullshit, man.

All them fake-ass beasts of fucks out there talking about how great they are to each other, man.

Like, you know, self-aggrandizing bunch of bullfuck.

Well, it's 11 o'clock here.

Let me see if I can get results.

I'm curious.

I don't think I've seen any of the movies.

American Diaper?

What?

Hey.

Neil Patrick was the host.

He appeared in a diaper at one point, apparently.

KDK was also in that segment, wasn't he?

I guess so.

Wow.

Neil Patrick Harris made an ill-timed joke after a winner dedicated an award to her son that committed suicide,

but he comes out in a diaper, I think.

Or he made a joke about a dress featuring funny spheres after she dedicated an Oscar winner to her son that committed suicide.

Who cares?

Whatever.

These aren't results.

I'm looking for results.

All right, Oscar's results.

The show should be over by now, so I'm just saying we should have the winners.

Best Supporting Actor, J.K. Simmons.

Best Supporting Actress, Patricia Arquette for Boyhood.

Best Animated Feature, Big Hero 6.

I don't even know what that is.

Best Visual Effects, Interstellar.

I thought so.

I was thinking they were going to get Best Sound, too, for that movie.

I don't care about makeup.

I don't care about it.

Best Documentary, Citizen 4.

Best Live Action Short Film

The Phone Call

Whatever that is

Costume Design

I don't care

Sound Editing

I don't care

American Sniper

got the Sound Awards

Sound Editing

Yep

You seen any of these movies?

I saw American Sniper

and I was very underwhelmed

with the acting in it

and I'm surprised

it even got nominated

for Best Film

I don't understand

what the fuck

that was about

Isn't that the toy

we was trying to look

for Christmas?

What?

Wasn't that the toy

we was looking for

at Christmas?

The American Sniper doll?

No, Negro Assassin.

You're way off.

You're way off, buddy.

Yeah, that's right.

You're way off, buddy.

It looks to me like we don't have winners yet.

American Sniper doll.

It looks like it's going late, as it usually does.

Best Picture has not been announced yet.

Or Best Actor in a Leading Role, or Best Actress, still not...

Somebody's going to come in there and upstage somebody

and make some dramatic fucking gesture.

It's going to be something piece of fuck.

It always is.

Come on, man.

No, it's just rant, man.

So it's Patricia Arquette who wins Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

And right now they're getting ready to do Actor in a Supporting Role.

Robert Duvall, Bobby D for The Judge.

I before that loved Bobby D.

Robert Duvall's the man.

He's a great actor.

Duvall's good, man.

For anybody, dude.

He's amazing.

He's always been amazing.

He already has one, though.

He's only gotten better.

He already has one, though.

I thought for The Prophet or The Preacher or something, whatever it was called.

Oh, he lost.

J.K. Simmons won it for Whiplash.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Edward Norton was up for that.

He deserves an Oscar at this point.

He hasn't had one.

He really does deserve an Oscar.

I like Edward Norton.

Anyway, boo, blah, blah, blah.

Did he win an Oscar for acting in that one movie, in Fight Club?

I don't know.

I like Becky Cleason, man.

He's the man, dude.

I'm pretty sure Fight Club was blackballed by the Academy.

Anyway, I'll monitor that.

I'm really talking a lot of shit no one cares about.

out so let's call brian who just checked in and is ready for the c21 gc whatever that means okay

cool sounds like a guy rapping yeah how you doing honey baby i needed to speak i need to speak to a

guest there okay the name is brian lanosa spell the last name please l-a-n-o-z-a and you can

apologize for having a bad attitude thank you one moment bitch she is like fuck you i apologize

falls out of his seat.

You've reached the Renaissance Washington, D.C.

Hotel.

She does have a Washington, D.C. attitude, right?

Before discovering the Renaissance D.C.

Hotel.

Hello? What the fuck was that?

Dude, it sounds

like you sound very

released and relaxed.

Take it easy, McClane.

You and the drugs, man. Is that why you're

so excited tonight? You gotta

of indica or sativa tonight milkman what's going on oh dude i didn't fucking know dude this is

some of the most fucking max red shit i've seen in a while it's very indica like dude i mean

one hit it's just like creating this like goop floating in the water man okay does that screw

you up like it's indica the kind of jazz it gets you fucking oh yeah it gets you really jazz dude

i'm telling you man i wish you could you would definitely improve brother i wish you could

that just partake man you'd understand it's so smooth and it's called um gorilla great

some weird ass strain i never even heard of it dude but it is fucking rocking man

okay really great man look at that dude i looked it up there earlier man it's got some really far

out shit okay i'll check it out uh jag says they're customers those great clips numbers that

i was talking about earlier they're customers my bad i forgot to go back to that so let's do that

that now i've got itchy ears tonight um all right swooping back up to the numbers like great clips

sharon i guess was a customer over there let's do it all right this is sharon just leave me a

message and i'll call you back this is sharon and this is sharon baby no i'll call you back

sharon sharon thank you sharon hello is that sharon yeah yes hi i'm calling from great clips

Clips Corporate, we're calling for a customer survey, see how your experience went at the

Great Clips.

It wasn't good, but it's kind of late for a survey.

What do you mean it wasn't good?

It was good.

It was very good.

It was good?

All right.

So can you rate one to ten, one lowest, ten highest, how talented do you think the stylist

was?

Ten.

All right.

One to ten, how clean the place was?

Pretty busy.

Clean?

I mean clean?

Yeah.

okay was it 10 10 10 clean okay all right um one that i only got a few more of these one to ten

were your areolas um the hardness of your areolas because of the temperature

no no nips for the air model

she knows basic she knows basic anatomy this is how many women don't know areolas and labia

you i've learned that with this show who'd have thought man yeah big zack zacks you're up late

for you what's up zack zacks is in there hello what's up bitch hey um can i complete the customer

survey what's up bitch can i complete the customer survey with your sexy what's up bitch i get your

number now motherfucker let me talk to your sexy wife fucker thanks for calling back i got your

number fuckhead fuck you i'm coming for you oh yeah watch out your window bring your wife

Watch out your window, motherfucker.

Bring your wife, motherfucker.

Watch out your fucking window, bitch.

Don't make threats.

No.

That's not...

No, watch out your window, bitch.

No, don't say that.

No threats.

No, no.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Yeah, watch out your window, motherfucker.

Come on.

It's coming.

No, no.

Don't be like that.

Oh, yeah, man.

No, no.

Yeah, bitch, I got your number now.

I got to just track her down.

Can you bring her with you?

Is that your wife or your mom?

Stand by, motherfucker.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to contact you down there, motherfucker.

I got you now.

I got you now, motherfucker.

This here is Mel Pouts, motherfucker.

I got your number.

Nobody pick up this time.

Hi, this is Sharon.

Just leave me a message and I'll call you back.

See you later, Sharon.

What I was trying to explain earlier, I totally got off track earlier,

but we're on a network here, Madhouse Radio Network.

work i was saying of course we're on pcn on shoutcast and i told you how to get there

we're also on the uh cacti radio stream that's brad's pla related stream and we're also on blue

planet radio blue planet radio.net blue planet prank i always forget there's links on the madhouse

live site but blue planet radio thanks ted for hosting us on there we're currently approaching

300 listeners total aggregate from our shoutcast listeners and our mixler and that doesn't include

include people who are probably only listening in tiny chat or on the YouTube.

And I did forget to mention that we do have a YouTube fucking thing, man.

YouTube.com slash MadhouseRadio.

You can watch the live feed of the show.

And if you miss the show, you can watch it later.

There's no music on that feed.

It's all muted.

Sorry.

What's on the feed?

What will I see when I tune in there?

You'll see me and the chat room.

The chat room comes up and it flashes my cameras.

I have two cameras around me.

It goes back and forth.

It's a nice little production.

That means a viewer could watch you touching yourself then while you're doing the show?

I don't touch myself on air, no.

I don't do that, Milkman.

That's disgusting.

Of course not.

Oh, of course not.

Right, right.

Teddy Rosero mentioning in the chat room, we need a torrent.

Yes, I do agree.

We need a torrent.

I've talked to Bocce, I think, about that before, as a matter of fact.

There is a PLA torrent out there that I know Matt and some others help seed.

I'd like to see if we can get a nice Madhouse one.

Maybe with all the shows and all the pranks all together.

other one big media pack like brad does that'd be kind of cool right milkman you could just get it

at your leisure or just download the whole thing all at once that'd be a lot of data you know i

mean if you got a high speed connection dude i mean you know you don't got much caps but you

just blaze it get it done a few minutes blaze effect yeah man all right well let's go let's

continue you know what if you have gort dude it's even quicker dude you don't even need a t1 then

Madhouse online on Gort

Be sure to check that out

Gort.com

I'm moving right along

Let me get some more numbers

Actually more of Jag's number

That customer was pretty good Jag

We got three others

We got Mr. McCary

Whose son got a haircut

Jeff McCary? Really?

He put himself as Mr. McCary

I'm Mr. McCary

Can I get your phone number and your name?

McCary, you don't need my phone.

I'm wearing a suit.

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Didn't you look?

Oh, okay.

Hey, call back that first guy there, Larry Flint.

Oh, dude, I forgot who he was now.

You remember who that was?

Yeah, hi.

My name is Cross.

I'm with Great Clips.

I'm calling to do a survey.

Is this Mr. McCary?

No, McCray, buddy.

It is midnight, and I'm on day shift.

Oh, that's a very feminine name, sir.

What?

Your name is very feminine, like Josh McCary.

and it's very feminine.

No, it's...

Who are you calling?

McRae?

Yeah.

Yeah, because people could make fun of Josh.

They could call him Josh McGay, you know?

Did you ever get called that?

No.

You never got called?

Okay.

Can I rate the service of the haircut

one to ten, one lowest, ten best?

Josh McGay.

Look at her, buddy.

It's really late.

I'm in a suit.

You call me McRae.

McRae.

mccrae's worse than mccary dude why are you getting mad i think that's why he hung up dude

you brought you brought back a memory he tried to forget that he probably thinks of one of his

they used to call me mckay you must have found me on facebook i thought they forgot by now

yeah listen i'm sorry i'm i'm your friend from high school i used to call you mcgay all the time

in school remember i'm not your friend i just know in school i used to tease you i used to say mcgay

and mcgay all the time in school i found you on facebook no you got the wrong guy buddy this is

mcgay right no no can you put josh on the phone he isn't even here oh are you are you divorced

you're a bad father you have you can't take care of him number one who are you i'm cross with great

clips uh i don't even know you well you came here and got a haircut with your idiot son my idiot son

Yeah, he was pretty stupid, the things he did.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Why are you calling me?

Because I got a complaint from the stylist about Josh and your attitude and Josh's attitude.

And why isn't Josh with you?

I wasn't even in there.

Why is Josh with his mother and his other dad?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Did you think he has, right here, your ex-wife's new husband, do you think he has a bigger dick than you?

Is that why?

I don't know.

Oh.

Have you ever wondered?

No.

Do you ever jerk off thinking about your ex-wife and another man together?

No, I'd appreciate it if you don't call me anymore, okay?

Are you sure Josh is your kid or it isn't the nudie guy?

Yeah.

You sure?

I don't know who this is, but don't call me again.

Okay.

Bye, McGay.

Bye.

I think it's because he was gay and he found out, the wife found out,

that's why they got a divorce, because the son really wasn't his.

It was his best friend's son.

Yeah, man, yeah.

You're the best friend.

We still don't have any reported results for the actress in the leading role.

Tonight's Oscars, but I do see that the bitches nominated are

Reese Witherspoon, Felicity Jones, Julianne Moore, Rosamund Pike, and Marianne.

The first guy we called, dude.

dude. It was like some Craigslist shit.

Yeah? Holy shit. Steve Carell

is up for actor in a leading role. No way.

Michael Keaton, I would imagine, would

get it for that Birdman shit movie.

Bradley Cooper, the guy that played the sniper

in American Sniper. Benedict Cumberbatch

is up for it. I don't think he's ready

for one yet. He's still young in the game.

He talks. Benedict Cumberbatch has a list,

but no one ever gives him a shit about it.

Hey. He does. I know someone

who's got a list. Your mom? No, he does

a gay crime show.

know okay hey let's continue with uh william also known as bill he's a great clips customer

uh-oh edward scissorhand he calls edward scissorhands edward penis hands scissorhands

edward penis hands probably gonna take a break here after this dies out because i don't think

we're gonna get an answer and i feel like taking a break milkman you got a problem with that

it's my office and i take a break when i want to oh we're sorry your call i hate it when it rings

is that loud shit damn it all right so we're gonna take a little break ski when we come back

we got more we got another we got one last customer of great clips here we can try and we

got a whole bunch of numbers still from dwight including tyler who is offering cell phone repair

uh ann marie who's selling a vacuum that's never been opened for 50 bucks what kind of vacuum i

don't know if it's one of those fucking dirt devil ones or whatever what's that cheap red devil what's

the red one milkman you know i'm talking about yeah that's the red devil oh they suck so bad man

telling you i need to maybe it's a rainbow hopefully it's a rainbow it needs to be a

shark or a kirby or something like that you know nice kirby you remember the rainbow vacuum cleaners

no oh hell this is great are they in rainbow colors or what was rainbow no they have water

instead of a bag really okay yeah they were fucking bad dude everything is pretty much

much bagless now dude you gotta if you got allergies you gotta go bagless son i'm sorry

for you you gotta go bagless with a hapa filter on that fucking you know shit yeah this one had

water man you could like dude you could do vacuum you could do all kinds of shit with this thing

rainbows man they were bad ass like steam cleaning they steam cleaned also are you saying or

were they um they had like a power handle on it they didn't do steam cleaning but they had like

a power handle like you add this like brush to it and all that i mean they came out with all that

that shit early on man sounds good well hey um instead of having instead of having a bag i always

have water man you could like but like like um these like oils and shit and like make this like

you know make the house smell real good it was really fucking far out with oils in it all right

even unplug the toilet with this motherfucking dude seriously don't unplug yourself all right

we'll be right back in a moment we'll have some guests later on here too come on milkman see you

guys. Stand by. About six, seven minute break. Thank you. Probably longer. You know me.

That's living alive

And she told him

Where you'll save me

That's what I know

If you cool

And she satisfied

How come that bitch

Just paged me

You don't know

You're listening to

Madhouse Live

On the largest

Prank call

In the nation

Prank call nation

When you die

They put your GPS

In your box

And a trap door

At the bottom

So when you die

You open that trap door

At the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight down

Madhouse Radio

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We will always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

One, two, three.

That's what the title of the song should be.

Hello, everybody.

It is I, Carlito, and I'm here with two of Madhouse Radio live prank calls performed every Sunday night.

My website is madhouselive.com.

You can also hit up my efforts at prankcallnation.com.

That's the network that we all broadcast.

We get a show on just about every day.

Well, we have a show on every day of the week now.

We have several Shons.

We have several shows a day just about every day of the week.

Yeah.

Exciting, huh, Milkman?

We'll even have a Milkman show soon.

It's going to be like, I'll break a guitar.

There you go.

I'll break a guitar.

That's right.

I'll break a guitar over your head.

You did a show once.

Remember when I was on my honeymoon?

You did a show.

You filled in for me on Thursday.

Yeah.

Actually, it was pretty good.

You were just giggling the whole time.

It was so fun.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's so stupid, dude.

Yeah, I did actually do a couple calls, even.

Yeah, man.

My adventurous days, man.

That was a long time ago, bro.

Be sure to check out the YouTube feed.

My channel on YouTube is Madhouse Radio,

or you can go to madhouselive.com and watch the feed there

or enter my YouTube page from there.

We also have the tinychat.com slash prank call nation thing spinning.

Winning, again, Prank call Nation on the Tiny Chat Machine.

We've got a full house there.

We've got a total of, I think, seven other people.

Buster Casey has now joined.

Black Listener is there.

You're in Tiny Chat, huh?

Zach, I'm assuming, will be on tomorrow with Big Matthew.

Bob Vance.

That takes too much bandwidth for me.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Weeping Angels watching.

Looks like Nickelodeon.

Dark Strangers there.

Picking her nose.

Is Nunu in there?

And Polaris.

Yeah, Nunu's going to show us what he looks like.

I can't believe so.

Ew!

I think he just had a close-up on an old pair of dentures or something.

She picked her nose and ate it, Milkman.

Ew.

Who did?

Dark Stranger.

Oh, my.

Well, he ate a burger, man.

That's a burger.

Okay.

We've got results coming in here.

Real quick, let me run through these.

Best Original Song was announced a little bit earlier.

That went to John Legend and Common for their work for the movie Glory.

glory um best original score went to the grand budapest i have no idea about that movie uh best

original screenplay went to birdman i hear really good things about that movie um and best adapted

screenplay went to the imitation game that means that american sniper did not get the oscar for

best adapted screenplay and that's uh puts it in a bad position heading into the final

final rounds of awards here which i believe all we have left are the two

Two main actors and director in film, I think, right?

Or film director in production?

I don't know.

It's a whole thing.

I never knew the difference between the last two.

Best movie and best film, I think it is.

Is that how it works?

It breaks down?

But it was explained to me and it makes sense.

One of them is like it's the Oscar for the best movie by itself.

And then the other one is like the best of everything,

including the sound and the this and the that and the writing

writing and the costuming and the movie itself that you know that's the last one they do which

i think is best motion picture i don't fucking know best project best this bullshit i'm never

going to be in the industry so why even bother why i didn't care you're a bunch of self-aggrandizing

fucks man who knows dude they just give ourselves all these pats on the back man you know i'll give

them a pat on the back let's get back to prank calls why don't we give them a pat on the penis

this man you have some problems on their nice little hey their nice little penis let's see who

do i want to be on right now we're gonna a little chicky d i'm gonna mix a little baz in here with

us a little bit of um a little bit of dwight let's say because he gets his numbers anyone

else want to be on message me or call we'll get neon in here so we have the female perspective

hey hey baz what's up man not much how's it going i might have to be a little bit quiet for like 10

or 15 minutes. Oh, shit, man.

Alright. Just so people go to

sleep. That's what I mean.

Good to have you on.

Yeah, thank you. Hey, Milkman.

Milkman, you here? I think he moots himself when a lot

of people start coming in.

I just want to say hi to the Milkman.

Yeah. Did I add Dwight yet?

Is Dwight added? Why can't I find him?

No. Can you find him for me now?

Yeah. Who else is around? Mike the Donnie.

Let's put him on.

Dwight doesn't seem to be online right now.

Oh, he doesn't? Oh, shit.

All right, well, we'll have to wait.

Let me see.

Try him. Maybe he's invisible.

Mike Vigani's here. All right, good.

So at least when Dwight gets on, he can get on.

You know what I mean?

Dark Stranger's here.

Oh, I was going to say hi to Mooman,

but it appears he broke the internet again.

Oh, he fell.

Yeah, Mooman disconnected.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. We'll get him back. Don't worry.

I'm glad to see he had some dabs again.

Old self, sort of.

Yeah, I know, right?

It's like, oh, shit's kind of back to itself.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up, Cyclone?

How you doing, man?

Good, good.

I don't have to go to work tomorrow, so I can be on until like 5 a.m. if I wanted to.

Damn, no guns for sale tomorrow, huh?

All right.

Not by you, at least.

No, everybody bought everything today.

Oh, uh-oh.

Is something going to happen tomorrow that I don't know about?

It's tax refund season, dude.

People are dropping the dime.

Oh, yeah.

You got the time.

Okay, well

We don't have Dwight right now, but I got numbers

Don't worry

Starting with the rest of Jag's numbers

I guess I should add him if he gave numbers

Back to notepad

Little Bobby

Here comes Big Josh

It's tomorrow, like, Liberation Day

Everyone's gonna shoot their guns in the air

Fuck yeah, no taxes

Yeah, dude, don't be morbid

Morbid

I'm gonna do it tomorrow

And no one around here is going to go out

because of all the damn snow.

So what are the chances that I will hit someone

if I shoot a gun in the air?

A bullet.

Zyklon, you're our weapons expert.

Fairly low.

Someone's parachuting or something.

Is it just that the word gets out now

a lot different in this digital age

or have all of a sudden people

become more susceptible to that?

I think more people are doing it, that's why.

Are you shooting stuff in the air

or buying stuff?

Shooting weapons in the air for New Year's

and Christmas, or like 4th of July

and stuff. Because people see all the yahoos

in the Middle East do it, and they think it's

cool. It's cool, yeah.

It's not cool, it's fucking stupid.

Like, yeah, you got married!

I admit my uncle does

it, but he does it into a mountain

that's not populated in Puerto Rico,

and he's let me fire it before.

That's, like, safe. Yeah.

As long as it's hitting something. If it hits anything,

it's probably going to be a cow that's out there for some

reason, or maybe a, I don't know.

What if it's a sacred cow?

Then it becomes Sacred Burgers.

Oh, yeah, man.

It's your good patties.

The shit that comes out of the cow, it's sacred.

You'll choke on the burger.

Yeah.

Hey, come on, guys.

Prank call.

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you guys?

We're waiting for you to dial.

Do we have any Indians?

I'm sure we can get some.

I'm sure we can scratch some up.

Here's Josh, however.

Josh.

Josh went to Gray Clips.

That's a haircut franchise in place.

It's a stylist place.

If anybody wants it, yell now.

Say so.

Who wants it?

I know Zyklon wants it.

Zyklon, come on.

Yeah, Zyklon.

We'll take it.

Josh, your name.

Josh from Great Clips?

Okay.

Josh went, hello?

Hello?

Who is this?

Hi, is this Josh?

I'm calling from Great Clips.

Josh?

Hi.

Did you go to Great...

You went to Great Clips, sir?

Oh, man.

He sounds...

That was fucked.

Lenny?

I didn't know Lenny-sounding guys could be named Josh.

His voice sounded kind of fucked up.

Yeah.

The traveling nightmares continue for me every night.

Yes, is this Josh?

Knock it off.

Fuck, fuck you.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Fuck you.

Shut up, man.

You're not a crotchety person.

You're kind of a mean old man, aren't you?

Sir, we're just here to help.

There he goes.

Fuck off.

I think it's one of those people that absolutely have to pick up the phone every time.

Yeah, it could be people.

It could be someone.

But it's a hair emergency.

Fuck off.

Sorry, it's hard for me to tell people that I know.

We're about it, bro.

So just to recap on the line now with us, we've got Milkman is attempting to reconnect Baz, Dark Stranger, Zyklon, and Mike the Donny.

Mike the Donny, who does great work on Fridays with G.I.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, good job, man.

Picking up this guy.

Fuck.

All right, well, we got a little bit of meh there, which is always fun.

We woke him up.

That's good.

Yeah, we got that.

We got that.

All right.

Bill Anthony here says, dear Comcast, a call came from Pamphile.

Oh, okay, never mind.

We already talked about that.

Never mind.

He's ratting us out.

You guys want to talk to the guy who tried to rat us out to Comcast?

Sure.

Sure we're not.

Because Comcast is horrible.

It gives my call already.

It doesn't show his number, though.

Yes, it does.

Sorry.

Here we go.

His name is Bill Anthony.

Tell him we're really from Comcast.

Checking out.

What's his name again?

William Anthony.

Billiam.

Hi, you've reached 213-595-5955.

He goes on to say, by the way, that's a troll, period.

And there's been reports of that happening.

You can see I personally signed my tweets.

What?

Okay.

What?

Oh, that makes him legit or something?

Yes, whatever that means.

Okay.

Anyway, but yeah, he's one of the guys that's picking up on the news that's floating around.

We're kind of in the news here, guys.

Not fully, because one of our listeners, Palindrome,

was one of the calls, and the other one

is the one with me, Dwight, and

everyone else. Jag,

Neon, and Dirty Aaron.

I think that was all of us on it. I might have missed one there.

But we all had a time on it. It hasn't been

edited out yet. I haven't done it yet. I'm scared

to. What do you think? Should I do it?

Dwight, if he was here, I'd get his counsel.

Is this counsel? He's usually like,

fuck it, yeah, let's do it. Fuck it.

Edit the fucker. Put it up.

I'll do that. But before

we go, Palindrome's

version is over on his YouTube

channel. His YouTube channel, I

believe, is Stupid Prank Calls. Is that

correct, guys? Can the chatroom back

me up on this? Put his link up before.

Put your link up there, pal. Yeah, put it

in the chatroom so everyone sees it and I can

give it out here. I think it's Stupid Prank

Calls on YouTube, and he's

got that on video right there.

Honey, baby, sugar tit.

Come on, pal.

Kurt is at the Las Vegas

Hotel and Casino. Yeah, spending that

money.

That's all we got for him, so let's see if he's in his room.

Thank you for calling SLS Las Vegas.

Your call may be monitored for quality issues.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling SLS Las Vegas.

This is Michelle.

How may I assist you?

Yes.

Aloha.

I need to speak with Kurt Fall.

He's a guest there.

Kurt Fall.

Wall, W-A-L-L?

No, F-O-U-G-H, Fall.

Thank you.

Just a moment.

Okay.

Does anyone want it?

I'll take it if he picks up.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

There is no reply.

To leave a voice message, press 1.

For operator press zero, please wait you are being transferred to the operator when all my friends on the air tonight

And you need to give her calling us OS, Las Vegas. This is Michelle. How many assist you?

Hey, yeah, well, you don't want to transfer me to her before did I connect you to where huh Kurt for?

Yes, they did that gets not answer. Yeah, can you transfer me again to for sure?

He's at the casino, you know

Now, spin that cheese.

Hey, he's got a call, girl.

It's money and making a stack.

I'm sorry, there is no reply.

Oh, fucking coño.

You want to talk to the lady there again?

Let's fuck with her, all right?

Just try to get a random room.

What about those elevators, whatever, where you can call in and, like, fuck with people in elevators?

I haven't seen any numbers that work in a long time.

There used to be lists out there, but they've all died out.

I mean, they still have phones.

Ah, fuck.

They're still existing.

They still are in existence, those numbers.

But if you know how to get a hold of a list or any of them, you let me know first.

Every time I go on an elevator, I look.

A little box.

I love it, dude.

I love that shit.

Because I had one really, it didn't get recorded.

I just, I saw the list somewhere and I tested it for my cell phone.

And I said I was with elevator control.

And she's like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I think I hit the button accidentally.

I said, no, there's a gas leak in this elevator.

She's like, oh my goodness.

And I said, yeah, did you fart in here?

And then it went ding and she walked out.

That's all I ever got out of it.

That might be a good assignment for people.

So you open the little emergency box and have a look inside.

Or try to call yourself because there's a dial pad on that.

You could red box it, right?

And make it dial out and get it that way.

Next time I find an elevator, I'm going to try it.

For room reservations, please press 1.

I do know the safety certificate's been expired in my building for years.

Here you guys go.

Good evening. Thank you for calling SLS Las Vegas.

This is Jennifer. How may I direct your call?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Yes, hi. I'm putting this lady on the line.

She needs to talk to you.

Yeah, can I get room 212, please?

12? That is an incorrect number, ma'am.

It must be 2212, I guess.

Oh, it's actually a five-digit number.

Hmm. I guess it must be 22212.

123?

22?

Mm-hmm.

222-12?

Yes, ma'am.

That's an incorrect number, ma'am.

Well, it is four.

Oh, my God.

Do you have the last name of the guest?

What is it, Valente?

Do you have it written down?

4-4-4-4-4-4.

I know, sir, that is an incorrect number.

Do you have the last name of the guest or first name?

Yes, but he's not picking up.

So we wanted to try to talk to someone else.

Okay, what is the last name?

We don't know.

That's the problem.

Look, we need to speak to somebody.

We're with the phone company, and we have to talk to a guest, any guest.

We're trying to make sure the phone is working here.

If you don't do this, the elevators could stop, and we have to send someone out there to fix it.

The elevator machine is going to burn.

It's very important, ma'am.

They'll just stop, and then we'll have to call the company to come out and fix them.

I mean, everyone's going to have to use the stairs until we get someone out there, so if that's what you want.

Okay, sir, who do you need to speak to?

Any guest. Any guest at all with a working phone.

Okay, sir, I cannot connect any calls to guests for security purposes unless you have the confirmation.

either the room number or the last name

of the guest. What is your name?

So I can note this when we have to yank the service.

12-12-5. My name is

Jennifer. 12-12-5. Very well.

How big are your sexual organs?

May we talk to security then?

Oh, security!

They talked about my sexual organs.

So we can tell them, like,

what a tit you are.

Is that what you're going with? Nope.

I'm going with cunt muffin. Okay.

That's what I thought. Armin!

Armin has an

arctic wireless headphone

with charger

$10 text

it wouldn't be me if I just called her a tit

let's ask her who wears her band pants

Baz would you like to try out for

arctic wireless headphones with a charger

for $10

yeah Baz had to go mute

you've reached a pinger number

we'll let the person know you called

to get your own

forget it it's like a digital pager

nevermind

Pine Bluff

Cell Phone Repair. Alright, this guy

has cell phone repair. I talked about him

before we went to break. Name is Tyler.

I don't know if he's got

any good tricks up his sleeve

or any, like, experience listed.

Can you make some awful noises

into the phone so your phone is broken?

Yeah, so what's the phone doing?

Or just say, like, the NSA hacked my phone.

Help!

There's someone trying to get me!

Don't worry, I will try him again

And maybe he will pick up

I quit drinking tea

I quit drinking coffee for Lent

I'm on tea now, and I must say I love it

I love the smooth transition into alertness

As compared to coffee's rather

Quick and jittery method

Try Red Bull, dude

It gives you wings

That's the last thing I need in my condition right now

Birdman wins best picture

everybody breaking news automatic voice message system eight fresh off the wire bird man

and we'll keep monitoring here for the other war machines dude at work today that speaking

of red bull there are a couple asshole kids i swear had wings okay yeah have you ever been to

a store and there's like kids in the cart and they just will not sit their little asses down

yeah it's annoying imagine that while trying to do government paperwork did you want to say shut

Shut up, kids.

Yeah, actually, I'd be like, kids, sit down and shut the fuck up.

You should just whisper to the kids.

Alejandro Jean Inarratu, I guess his name is.

He wins Best Director for Birdman.

Eddie Renmayne wins Best Actor for The Theory of Everything.

Julianne Moore has now entered the Oscar Club.

She gets Best Actress in Still Alice.

I believe we're still waiting on the last two, right?

The Best Picture and all that.

Well, I already announced Best Picture.

That's already updated.

I think there's one last one.

Best Picture is usually the last one, isn't it?

But isn't there another one that's not Picture?

It's Best Film?

Director?

Yeah, Best Director comes in and...

I don't even know how it works, dude.

I don't fucking know.

I could do the Wikipedia page.

I don't want to know.

It's so confusing.

Carlito.

I like the way you move.

Thank you.

You move real slow.

I just move my arms mostly.

I swim back and forth.

I lean back.

A lot of lean back.

Gangster lean.

can't put on that exhibit song where it's like lead back lead back that's fat joe i think fat

joe put on something like that and do a serious call my niggas just dance and just pull up the

pants and rock away you want all the awful songs and just alone my favorite about that song was

the remix where eminem was like i can't i'm sorry i can't dance i got a pistol in my pants

it's not that i can't dance i got a pistol in my pants

just don't have a pistol just don't have one in your pants if you're plexiglass oh oh yeah um

Shall we move on with pranks, please?

Noonu's sending numbers.

I was going to wonder if we were going to get UK calls or not.

To where is Noonu sending numbers?

Sending them to me.

I guess give them to me in a private Merck chat.

In a private Skype chat, please, if you don't mind.

All right, we got Armin, who is selling an Arctic wireless headphone.

I already talked about this.

Jesus Christ, am I running in loops?

I am not all there.

However, Baz is not here.

That's who I offered it to.

He had to mute.

Looks like that's still the case.

I'm going to dial this number, which I haven't dialed yet.

Anyone else wants it?

Yell.

If not, I will.

Thank you.

Arctic Wireless Headphones.

You've reached a pinger number.

We'll let the person know you.

All right.

That's another pinger number?

Or, okay.

I think that was the same one as earlier.

We got that pinger.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

All right.

And this is a different cell phone repair.

We're coming up to the vacuum that me and Lookman talked about for a few minutes there

before we went to the first break.

This one's for sale, never open, for 50 bucks.

Do you need it to play in your band?

Yes.

Fuck it.

Can we add Matt to the group call?

Are you guys ready for that?

Hello?

Here.

Hello.

Hey, you're selling a vacuum that's never been open?

Oh, no.

It's already gone.

Sorry.

Why would you do something like that?

You stupid.

Excuse me?

Why would you do something stupid like that?

I wanted that fucking thing.

I wanted it.

You're rude.

I know.

She better come clean her house for us.

You're rude.

You big jerk. What's up, Matty?

What's up, buddy?

Going on tomorrow? What time?

Is there an expected forecast time?

Usually noon,

noon time or so.

Hey, there's Zach Centel.

He's in the TC, man.

So, Matt, on a scale of 1 to 10,

how drunk are you right now?

I don't know. A little bit.

Orange?

How are you going to

by how wasted he feels

by can he pass a field sobriety test

or how bad he does on one

by the number of drinks.

I could never pass a field sobriety test

because the MS has me like I'm drunk

when I'm stone sober.

My balance is all fucked up.

I can't do the alphabet backwards.

Jack TV is here.

Jack, how are you doing?

My eyes are all red.

Welcome everyone.

what wait dark stranger why are you in zyklon i know i know it's messed up

shit birds look um awkward moment here here's linda who says hello this is a blue and nice

male english bulldog a blue okay hang in he's talking to me okay sorry this is the part of the

the show where it just all goes to shit i arrived does it come clues

the person you were trying to reach has a voice

the original guy yeah yeah i saw that talk with him too i saw him at a star trek convention i

don't know why hello yes yeah hey i need to talk to linda linda can you put my my linda on

I don't know who you're talking about.

My Linda.

Linda.

Linda Alanis.

That's my girl, my Linda.

Can you put her out for me?

Big Linda.

What?

Okay, so are you calling in regards to a dog or something?

No, it's regards to sex.

To see if she was available and could come over.

Or we could do it in the car again in her driveway.

Who is she?

Who is this?

Are you her husband or something?

I don't know who you're looking for.

You got the wrong number.

Linda Alanis.

She was selling a blue and nice male English Bulldog.

Yes.

Yeah, we were going to meet together and masturbate the dog together.

She was going to show me how to masturbate it.

And then I was going to buy it for $650.

You were going to masturbate the dog?

Mm-hmm, to show how you get the sperm so you can sell it later.

Oh, okay.

No, I don't know anything about that.

Oh, do you know how to do it?

No.

She knows how.

She says she does it.

She sells it on eBay.

It's a breeding dog.

You masturbate the dog.

Like, she touches and fondles his penis, and it gets hard.

It gets hard inside, and then the erection comes out of the canine sheath.

You know, that's where they say the lipstick, you know?

What?

Is that the medical term for it?

The canine sheath?

k-9 chief we call that guy back yeah yeah the sheath canis today on that house we learn about

an energy person you were trying to something that was echoing like crazy but i don't know what

it is try your call again later goodbye is um someone listening on the tiny chat oh that's

probably maybe i hear a ghost too how about i how about i mute myself on tiny chat and you guys just

listen you know wherever else would that work that could work it just started though i wasn't

doing it before maybe someone joined and is mic'd up and it's doing it ah i don't know i'm just

speculating at this point i'm not on it wait it went away yeah i'm not either uh i just mute it

all together anyway yeah i do that for you guys because i know a lot of you guys like matt and

ds you guys like the tiny chat that's kind of fun you know see other people yeah yeah i can

i can still listen on or whatever i just like tiny chat machine

tiny chat machine tiny chat.com prank called nation uh we're gonna call that place back again

right the dark place yeah masturbating dog the masturbation is i haven't heard anything about

that i don't know i didn't think it was really calm about it you're a completely different person

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up.

I'm going to bounce him again and see.

Come on, baby.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Shake the dice.

I like shaking.

Echo again.

Is it music?

Yeah.

I don't know why it doesn't.

Milkman's poppin'.

Echo, echo, echo.

Yeah.

Really?

What's up, Milkman?

Milkman.

Do you have it now?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Yeah, it's seriously echoing now.

Is it?

Why reconnect?

i'll try wait it's gone now is it i think so piss shitty titties yeah it's gone

for the win it's doing it whatever go low sorry guys i'm trying

carlito i still see your microphone thing going up and down in a tiny chat oh i didn't mute it yet

big vaginas i knew that i knew that how do i mute just do at the top of the thing i think

this pressure picture microsoft i got it i got it camera only let's try it now

superstar check microphone testes cookie monster seems to be fixed all right good good so no more

are you back

Moo Man

look man

it's all on fire

again

really

he just can't

catch a break

lately

we're gonna get

there

he's gonna get

some money here

this week

right in the nick

of time

you guys are awesome

I'm perfectly

happy with him

spending like

the money I

gave him on

drugs

I don't send

him to buy

drugs

they give a

homeless person

money if they're

like yeah

I'm gonna buy

alcohol

fine if you're

honest

cool

I don't care

Get them to get their alcohol, their food, their fucking shit, whatever.

Like, if you're like, have a sign, you're like, I'm hungry, like, no, dude.

Just like, yeah, I want to buy booze.

Okay.

At least be honest.

I'm on a number from Dwight.

Let me see if he's sent any more.

He's not even online right now.

I'm going to have to try to find some more of mine.

Music is way too loud.

I've got to look for some more of my music.

More of my numbers to do.

Do you want Slate?

Yeah, if you find any.

We can make it, give it a go.

Did you call Nunu's number?

I'll call you.

Have a shit snack.

Shit bird.

Shit snack.

I like the phrase, uh, shit heel to call somebody.

You fucking shit heel.

I don't know what it means, but I like it.

Yeah, we're out of, completely out of Dwight numbers.

He gets them off the dashy tool.

I could do that, I guess.

Shit bird.

You know, I like you, Nunu, because you have it all formatted.

You're a good guy.

Formatted.

That ain't FTW.

Put it in your bitches if we don't call his UK numbers.

Oh, God.

We don't hear the end of it.

All right, so that's the place the crackers and the bed prank was done at, he says.

Okay, the prank that we played on the break, right before the cast.

That prank is also known as Room 112.

Let's go.

I'm going to try to recreate the whole thing, see if I can get it.

Prank challenge.

Zyklon's going to go get drunk.

Zyklon getting drunk.

Oh, careful, man.

Don't get a Dewey.

I remember when he used to always have ideas for the phone show.

It's back before you drink.

Hi, Claude.

So is Tombstone settled down now?

Is he, you know what I mean?

Oh, I don't know.

I just see him.

I think he's kind of like a regular dude now.

Yeah.

Just for a while, man.

He kept calling me, Carlito, find me a girl.

Like, I can't find you a fucking girl.

Find me a girl.

If I meet someone to cheat on my wife with first, motherfucker, here he goes.

That's why I wouldn't go see him when I was in Toronto.

So he's looking for a lady.

Well, this was three years ago, and that's when I blocked him on Skype and then talked to him again.

Because it was every day.

Just a horny mofo.

Like you're a pimp or something.

He's getting you ready for the dead.

Yeah, the dead style.

What's up, Neon?

Great challenge.

Internet relationships

That was a good pre-show you and Jaggy did

Oh, thanks

Rock on, man

Thanks a lot for letting us be on

Oh, man, no problem, man

Well, if anything, we got a timestamp

Like a really random timestamp for 2.24

Blaze it

2.24

Yeah

Hey, let's do some more calls

We got to do something here

What's our source going to be?

Doug, do you have anything you're working on in CLs?

What do the people want?

Do people want to send us numbers?

You want the CL?

Uh, yeah, CL, and let me call, let me try again with that UK number that did not pick up once.

You just have to keep her while I'm doing it, because I'm like, uh...

I am sorry.

I'm going to need your guys' help.

We're going to make it a good show at the end.

We don't want a third quarter collapse, all right?

I don't know.

I'm eyeing it, you, Neon.

Are you guys getting it on?

Hi, Carlito.

Hey, Neon, what's up, girl?

Hey, Neon.

You hear a prank in the prank?

are you listening to the stream neon let me see if it's on my phone sorry

see i don't get an echo oh it's going out for me it's not i can i can rebuild the skype that

might be it i've been yeah it might be it yeah let me redo it rebuild hang on oh yeah yeah hang

on let me take a little mini music break here also i fix this up now we have been playing the

music of what we started out playing um uh what the fuck is his name the godfather of soul jims

brown we started out playing some uh some few james brown songs and i've moved on the outcast

finishing out the outcast music that we were trying to play last month that was so rudely

interrupted by somebody um but in the meantime i wanted to play a song from big boy of outcast

yeah it might be something cool to do he had a pretty good album two years ago and i liked it

and it was really underrated i was surprised how underrated it was called uh it was vicious

just lies and dangerous rumors yeah anyway here's this song i'm gonna play a quick song here while

i get some things organized thank you all right did we get everybody oh yeah and even some extras

okay let's continue here

because i'm like oh i'm trying to look up numbers and it's very slow

process process i say process when i'm with it i'm like

This shit is hard, man.

I don't...

Well, let me get back to my list

here. I've got my old standby,

that Tennessee town. It's really late there.

They're going to be more pissed off than anything.

Which town is this,

by the way?

I think it's Rogersville, Tennessee, and then there's another

town. I don't know.

It's like two medium-sized

towns in Tennessee. What's the other one?

Rogersville is about halfway between me and Tuck

then is it now i'm not sure i'm not sure what the other two are talk from work talk man talk

mike.com what's up oh that reminds me talking about talk listen we're starting to get ready

for some ideas for our 10-year anniversary show that's going to be in july oh wow if you're

interested if you think you're a madhouse radio expert and think that you can answer questions

and i'm talking about hard-ass questions um about the history and the culture of the show um get

three people and we're gonna do it over the phone the winner's gonna get a cash money prize

um but i mean you're gonna there's gonna have to be at least some pre-questions to make sure

like you're the real deal i don't want some new guy like oh i don't know you had to you had to

be one of those cats that's listened you know has gone back and listened since 05 or you've been

around since back then when you know there was quite a bit of people that found us in 2008 and

said shit and went back to all the way to 2005 caught up i hear from those kind of people all

the time so yeah man a cash money prize i don't know how much yet the financials aren't really

ready for that yet but i got that going and i want to try to get some we need to find reclude

everybody we need to find reclude reclude is uh integral parker the early times of the show

and i've got a lead on one phone number for him but he never answers it but i'm thinking maybe

together we can find that motherfucker and get him on that shit yeah so i'm hoping to have some

some interviews on that show

also. Phone interviews might

be kind of cool. We're going to make a big deal. We're going to make a big

long show. You know what I mean?

We could do like a half marathon.

A 10-hour show. That'd be cool.

A 12-hour half marathon? Yeah.

Yeah. Get Zolar on.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Lego, Zolar, all those cats.

Jin. Nice.

Where is Jin? I always loved his calls.

That would be good and then see where it goes from there.

Jin's got a girl that's been busy

so he hasn't been around as much.

He's interested in coming back.

The timing has been not working out for him the last few weeks.

But he's due to make an appearance.

I'm going to have to tell him, hey, make sure it's for, you know,

that 10-year anniversary you're going to need.

Definitely need Zolar, Dr. Lego, and Reclude.

We definitely need those cats.

I say we get KDK to call in.

Let's do it.

KDK, call in, you know, talk about it.

We should go crazy with it.

Yeah, it's going to be a bad ass show.

Do you have a current number for KDK?

We'll find one.

we'll find one i have his old number which just leads to like some 10 year old girl

i'm chris hansen with dateline nbc why don't you have a seat over there are you sure are you sure

you're here you're free to leave your record you can try to get their parents number so we're not

calling a 10 year old does katie case don't live with his parents probably oh he's never his parents

are dead oh wow yeah he's got his own place he's got a condo and shit that he bought he already

He paid it off and everything, man.

Sweet.

Someone comes in the chat room under his cat's name.

Hey, can we call Charlie?

It's been a while.

Find me the number and paste it in here, and maybe I will.

We're allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

We'll be getting you to a team member shortly.

In the meantime, if you'd like to hear the joke of the day, please press 5.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thanks.

Hi, my name is Kathy, and I'm with the customer loyalty team here at Zappos.

Here is your joke of the day.

It's Skype.

What the fuck?

I think we need to restart. It's all going to shit.

Yeah, the fuck?

It's all my fault.

Jack, I'm broken.

I was playing a song.

You're calling Zappa this Spectacular Sunday.

My name is Matt. How may I help you today?

Hey, asshole, how are you?

I'm great. How about you?

I'm not good.

Good. I'd like to check out a few of them code number machines off the clothing for the website.

I'm sorry, could you repeat that? You cut out a little bit.

I'd like to check out some of the code numbers. What do you call them? The PLUs?

The SKU numbers?

Yeah, we need to check a few of these out because I'm confused.

Perfect. I can absolutely help you out. I will tell you, you keep up with the language, though, I will have to disconnect the call.

Well, you keep up with the bad attitude, and I'm going to disconnect the call. We'll have you reported.

Absolutely, sir.

What is it you're trying to look up here?

Halt! Halt! Halt!

I got SKU number 807-9159.

All right, let's see what we have here.

This is the, okay, the Zoot Sports and Performance Tri 6-inch short.

Okay, and now go down to the fourth picture, going up-down.

Okay.

All right.

Now look at the unit on this guy, huh?

I was thinking, like, horse stuff.

What's up?

Hey.

I was thinking, like, horse stuff from Zappos.

Yeah.

I found a cockat.

Big vagina.

You found a...

All right, what's the skew?

I'll call that moment.

Oh, I put it in chat.

Or am I in the wrong...

Oh, yeah, duh.

I rebuilt the shit.

Do you want me to put it in yours?

Yeah, put it in mine.

I got a delay for some reason on my laptop.

where the hell is the skew where are the skews on these it's in the upper upper right

just type the number out yeah but that requires typing hey uh carlito hey i was wondering on

your big show are you gonna have um andy and will are they gonna be on oh i got to yeah will

love to be back yeah yeah that'd be cool yeah definitely have to have them on totally that's

That's right. I've got to start prepping those guys now.

Yeah. Dude, how awesome

if I could find a cloned homegrown.

That'd be crazy.

I put that in chat. Did you see that?

Yeah, the

calls out. Cloned homegrown.

If you're in chat lurking

or if you listen to the show or something,

we want you back for that show.

That'd be awesome.

We'll have him and KDK on.

Fireworks, man.

Well, if anything gets on, we have to talk

about how he usually sucks at fantasy football.

Okay.

Wait, actually, did he do decent this last year?

Dirty Aaron?

Clone homegrown.

We're talking.

We're silent.

It's like a chop shop in here with all the choppiness.

Maybe too many people can help.

Chop chop.

Yeah, call us back.

Call you guys back, yeah?

Let's do the joke of the day.

the CLT SuperCloud team here at Jappos.

Here is your joke of the day.

What makes pirates

such good singers?

They can hit the high C.

Send me messages with numbers.

Send them to me.

You gotta send them to someone who's in the conference

because I can't get them.

You can send them to me if you want.

It's alright. I'll copy them

and give them to you.

Just kidding. I don't have a website yet.

What's up, homie?

What's up, homie? How you doing?

good yourself uh not too good not too good i'm having trouble with my sexual organs actually

um so i'm so sorry to hear that yeah the doctor said i had to stay home and he recommended get

the i get an ipad and like we i have one here i'm borrowing it and i put your app on here and i can

see all this great you guys have a lot of stuff yes we do um can i ask you uh i guess i called

earlier, and there's a SKU number, a SKU, SKU, that I can give you? SKU, yeah. Okay, uh, you ready,

honey? Go for it. It's 747-6438. Okay, the Gorn Brothers Animal Farm Rooster? Yeah, um, what can

you tell me about this exactly, because it doesn't come up all the way in the iPad. Uh, what do you

want to know? Um, well, what is on it, exactly? It would be a rooster. Okay, does it have any words

on it is that really what you want to go with this conversation i can't really see it i don't

know like i see some writing but i can't see what it says on there on the bill and like on the upper

right of the i see like i guess a rooster yes it does say cock on it it says what say it again

it does say cock on it oh yeah yeah can you say cock in it okay is there anything else i can help

Where can you put this cock hat at?

You have a great night.

I'm going to go ahead and get...

He said penis.

Where can I put the cock?

Bye.

All he said was cock.

Come on, that's not a bad word.

Big dick.

Little shat.

Can we call Zappos?

I want to do some new jokes of the day.

Yeah, we should.

We haven't called them in a while.

Zappos.

I heard a new one that's dirty, really bad, but not racist.

You can put a little Zappos in your day.

We

can look up funny stuff to ask.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

Is this Judith on my sister?

Penis lady.

Judith.

Hello?

Hello.

I heard your joke of the day, and it really sucked.

I've got some better ones for you.

You want to hear one?

Not really.

Hey, come on.

At least pass it to management that we've got some better ones.

Here's a good one.

What sexual position produces an ugly child?

I don't know.

Ask your mother.

I'm not going to listen to that, and I'm going to end the call.

Thank you.

No, don't end it.

Oh, I have more jokes.

That was good.

That was hot.

And it was a racist.

Just a little bit.

No, it wasn't.

That seemed pretty good for you, Cyclon.

She's a minority.

It's done now.

Yeah, she's a minority, so it's racist.

All right.

For allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

We'll be getting you to a team member shortly.

Right up here.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Anna.

May I assist you?

Yes.

Hello.

I'm calling about a SKU number.

A SKU number or an order number?

SKU, stupid.

Stupid.

Um, excuse me?

S-K-U, stupid.

S-K-U?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and then what is that?

8-3-7-5-9-7-0.

7-0, okay.

And what is your name?

Uh-huh.

My name is Cross.

Cross?

Uh-huh.

Cross.

All right.

I'm going to go ahead and pull that up for you.

Shaft.

Look at the ball.

There's no hairs on the ball.

I shaved.

I'm pulling that up right now.

Can you see anything?

And so I'm looking at this here right now on our site.

It's at 837-5970.

And what did you have a question here about this?

Well, can you describe what it is, please?

Yeah, this is some swimwear, and it's just some neutral hipster swimwear.

And it has like a lace.

It's hot.

It's very hot.

The one in blue specifically, you see that image?

Yeah, the marina texture?

Yeah, I looked at it.

I put it on my iPad, and I masturbated while looking at it.

And I made a big mess on my belly.

That's disgusting.

So I'm going to disconnect the call.

It's perfectly natural for guys.

I am not okay with that.

So I'm just going to disconnect this call because that's not an appropriate contact.

Okay, so you can go ahead and call us back

when you have something appropriate to talk about, okay?

Oh, this is appropriate.

I'm going to take tonight's call, all right?

No, it's not.

This is about the appropriate for the penis.

So you can have a nice day and call us back

when you have something appropriate to talk about, all right?

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Wow.

She loved it.

She needs some Jack.

Did you guys get any more SKUs?

What's up?

Did you guys find any more SKUs?

I pushed it on a Skype chat for Spice Blossoms.

Okay.

All right, you guys want to take any of these?

Go ahead.

I love the idea.

Well, I have an idea for calling a hardware store.

For allowing our customer loyalty team to...

Talking.

I have a problem with my call.

Personally, I was thinking about a hardware store

where it's taking a shit in the display toilet.

Thank you for choosing that.

This is Heather.

How can I help you?

Yes, hi.

I'm going to put on someone who has a question about a SKU number.

We've already talked.

so we've already done this

and I'm going to go ahead

and disconnect the call now.

Oh, you're so sexy.

I love it.

Fuck you.

Does Zappos sell toilets?

No, they don't.

Amazon, mate.

They sell like shoes.

We should go to Amazon

and ask about buying a toilet.

We're allowing our customer loyalty team

to put a little Zappos in your day.

We'll be getting you to a...

Why don't you take this?

Because you recognize it.

Panties or something.

We'll be calling Zappos.com

to subscribe to how they help you today.

Hello.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

Zappos machine?

Yeah, I've got a problem with my organs.

Can I describe the symptoms and maybe you can make a diagnosis?

Okay, just to let you know that this call is being recorded.

So I'm going to, if it's not Zappos related, I'm going to have to disconnect.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, no, no, you don't have to.

Yes.

Hey Carlito

Can I have a shot at them?

Sure baby

Why are there only like five of them today?

There's usually a call center full of them

We're allowing our customer loyalty team

To put a little Zappos in the desk

We'll be getting you to a team member shortly

In the meantime

If you'd like to hear the joke of the day

Please press 5

At least it's a different joke

Other than that Buffett one

How can I help you today?

I am a completely different person.

Hello?

I wanted to talk about my friend's sexual organ.

So sorry, I cannot speak to you about that.

It hurts, though.

Is that what a Zappos is?

Matt, she cannot talk to you about that.

What's a Zappos?

It's a sling for a burning sexual organ.

the uh the completely different person definitely i always love that i always love that that sounds

like something out of the simpsons totally allowing our customer loyalty team to put a

little zappos in your day we'll be getting you to a team member shortly in the meantime if you'd

like to hear the joke of the day my name is a completely different person this is mr thank you

you for calling yeah my name is cheryl how can i help you today hello my name is mr burns i would

like to make an order today okay i'll be happy to help you out with that have you shopped with us

before no this is your first time okay it's my first time be gentle and we got to put down a

towel on the bed and uh for to capture all the um possible blood that'll come from the breaking

king of the hymen during first insertion you want me to get the sex towel here

what's what's your uh first name there mr burns the fuck towel i don't know

everyone needs a fuck towel that's time of the month you gotta have one in your car

hey make that towel baby in your car oh yeah i got a sex towel in my car you never know when

when you need it.

Nice dark towel.

Yeah, dark towel.

You should totally try to get Athena to be down for sex

in a car.

I don't kiss in towels.

Oh my god, I wonder if they sell towels

on Tapo.

Probably, they sell all sorts of kooky shit.

Which are the most absorbent

towel? Oh god.

Ask him that.

Here's a nice dark towel.

They got a quicksilver towel.

Yeah, I saw that.

I should look at that one.

It's got red on the back.

Will I just add it to your list?

Yeah, that's fine.

In the list.

Are those really labia shoes?

No, they're like lamia or something.

They look like L-A-M-I-A.

Yeah, it's called labia shoes.

And they're red.

I may have searched for labia.

I'm just searching for random shit.

Did it really say, did you mean lamia?

For allowing our customer loyalty,

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Judith.

How may I assist you?

Hi, Judith.

How are you?

Good.

How about yourself?

Doing just fine.

My name is Nina, and I'm interested in some products from Zappos I have not ordered before.

Okay.

Do you have SKU numbers?

I don't know if I do.

Let me see.

Guess not.

Do you guys sell towels?

No, we don't.

You don't. Do you sell blankets?

8-2-0-7-3-0-5.

That's the skew.

Okay, you do it.

We used to have some

whole goods, but we have decided

to get out of that market.

Lady, I need the skew.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, we have the skew. Why aren't you listening?

Stupid.

Sugar. Honey, I have the skew.

Sugar tips.

It's 8-3...

Wait a minute.

8387421

My sugar daddy has a skew

Does this tarot also happen to smoke marijuana?

This is the worst call attempt ever

I like it

This is a serious call

I can't believe it took her that long to hang out

It was fun

It was okay

Every once in a while you know

Neon was one of the...

Oh, she left.

For allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

We'll be getting you...

Me, me, me.

I left.

Me, me, me, me.

Play with your urethra.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

My name is Helene.

How may I help you?

I'm playing with my urethra.

I'd like to check a SKU number, please.

I'm sorry?

I'm playing with my urethra, and I'd like to check a SKU number.

Good for you.

I'm going to disconnect the call.

Thank you.

Sir, this is Siri's call.

I love like the

Announcing that I'm going

To disconnect this

She's on the ball

Why do you have to tell us that

These shoes are half a train

We'll be getting you to a team member shortly

In the meantime if you'd like to hear the joke of the day

This reminds me of what we used to call

Steam shark and the same people

Yeah

We'd do other ones and it was the same people

I'd like to make an order.

I'm playing with my urethra.

Can I give you a SKU number?

No, not with that.

I'm sorry?

You're playing with your what?

Urethra, and I'd like to give you a SKU number.

All right, what's the SKU number?

It's 832-1115.

And look, I open and close the hole.

All right, guys, you have a good night.

Love you.

what's that item even what is it mike what was it the sleeping bag oh sleeping bag

remember kids if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours seek immediate medical

attention it's priapism priapism allow the customer loyalty team to put a little zappos

in your day we'll be getting you to a team would you wait before going to the er

just furiously try to make if i had a four-hour boner i'd have a ball that'd be amazing i don't

know all right i like to place an order please i'd like to order a four-hour boner the skew number is

eight four nine two five six six well we'll stop those since uh we're not able to communicate

someone's got a hobo bag you said there's a hobo bag is that the latest call it's a brand name

full name stop calling me a hobo for allowing our

Next time we call the nurses line, I'm going to say we have a four-hour booking.

All right.

Now, guys, come on.

Meet up and all that stuff.

Okay.

Sorry.

I've been the biggest problem.

You're ready to hit.

You're ready to ruin it.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Anna.

May I assist you?

Hi.

Can I please make an order?

I'd like for you to check a hobo bag.

849-2520.

849-520.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

know eight four nine two five two zero all right i'm gonna check on that right and what do you have

a question here about this hobo bag um well um does it lock from the outside um let me see here

it's looking to me here here you know what my computer just kind of froze up on me it's a piece

piece of shit right is it a dell is it no we don't we don't have dells here we have lenovo's

you probably have that super fish thing yes and uh what was the style name of the hobo

no matt what are you it was super fish uh drunken hobo he has ms yeah shaky shaky hobo

with brain lesions yeah well we love him thanks love you too he has fun with his brain lesions

hashtag can i just give you a different skew number then since you're stupid

sure what is it it's eight three eight seven four two one four two one okay let's go pull that up

instead yeah pull those bad boys up mephisto's lamias lamias yeah now if you took out the m's

and put in B's, what would you have?

Bamias?

No, if you took out the M's and used

the letter B,

boy, what would they be called

instead of Mephistolamia?

I know what you're getting at there.

It's hot, isn't it?

It would be

Mephistolabia.

That's part of a woman's

reproductive organ.

It's pretty hot, isn't it?

You could actually say Bephistolabia.

Yeah, but that would be sold on a different type of website, probably sold in Vegas.

Probably your mom's, right?

Yeah.

No, not my mom's.

Hey, I heard Dirty Shade might be getting into that stuff.

Are you in one of those websites?

No.

Do you show your labia?

Mm-mm.

Being befisted.

Would you like to?

We have a site.

No, you guys.

Beef fisting.

Beef fisting is when we cram as much beef steaks inside you as we can in your pussy.

Slim jibs work the best.

Would you like a job talking about your labia?

All these have been recorded.

Like, everyone has been hearing all of your conversations.

We've been hearing all of you.

Yeah, you're still answering the phone.

Everyone of us have heard all of you, so all of your calls have been recorded.

No.

I want you to come over and wear the labia boots for me.

Isn't it funny that the Bephisto labia shoes are red in color

and they're kind of positioned like labia on a woman?

Well, you know, if you want to look at some shoes like that,

you should probably look at some different websites.

I could go to your closet.

I could go to your closet, right?

You should probably go to a different site.

You dirty girl.

Are you not wanting to help us?

I'm going to check with Google.

Are you not wanting to help us?

I recommend motherless.com

Will you sit on my face?

We need you to come over with the labia shoes

and we also need to fuck town.

Sit on my face.

Sit on my face and pee all over me.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Shit on my chest, man.

She's going to come over in the labia shoes.

Matt knows what I'm talking about.

Sit on the face.

Sit on my face, pee all over me.

Shit on my chest.

You like face-hopping?

Yeah, shit on my chest, yeah.

Cut your arms

and drip the blood on my face.

I don't think I'm going to

fuck around with no pussy.

But if someone's face-hopping you, they're not going to

shit on your chest.

It's going to be more on your neck.

But you're close to...

At that point, you're eating ass, right?

If you're eating pussy, you're eating ass.

If you're doing it right.

Well, if it's a chick, they could just R. Kelly you.

What is that?

dated reference

I want to piss on you

you're just going to get all up in there

aren't you

like you said if you're up in there

you might as well do it

what's wrong with eating ass

as long as it's all clean

ah fuck it

whatever

you could just eat through it

yeah

and then you get

your stomach gets like a new

kind of a, you get a new

biology in your fecal tract.

Probiotic. It's like you share

your biology. Exactly.

It's actually good. Like, they do fecal

transplants. I know.

That's disgusting.

I doubt a fecal transplant is sexy.

You don't really want a fecal transplant

in your mouth, so.

Who does a fecal transplant?

They really do do that for people

to get, because it

gets your intestines different

different microbiotics in there or whatever.

People who have, like, bacteria-resistant stuff.

Yeah, but can't you just ingest, like, probiotics?

I think your stomach kills a lot of that.

Hey, you guys, are you there?

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, can you...

Is feces transfer really a thing, lady?

Yeah, fecal transplant, it's a real thing.

How can I assist you?

Oh, who's this?

This is Elizabeth.

Were we talking earlier, or are you a new person?

You've been transferred over to me.

Is there any Zappos-related question I may have to ask you?

Why are we transferred?

Are you the big gun?

Don't listen to them.

They're idiots.

Are you the big girl?

Don't listen to them.

She's a stupid wizard.

Do you wear the bad pants?

Don't listen to them.

We want to know about the labia shoes.

I've got a SKU number.

It's...

SKU number.

Let me just pull it up here.

Just give me one second.

Okay, what's the SKU number?

826-1837.

337?

82618.

37?

37.

Damn it.

This is a prana.

It's a hand towel.

Yes, I see that.

Yeah, Baz, what were we talking about, the hand towel that we needed to find out?

Yeah, the absorbent hand towel.

How absorbent?

What's the absorbency on this?

Like a dread count on that?

Is it a gift in cotton?

That's all of the information.

I mean, we're having a party, and we need the absorbent towels.

Like, you know how you kind of use a hand towel on your junk after you have sex?

You know what?

That's something that's inappropriate.

I will be there.

That's not a serious question.

No, it's natural.

He didn't say that.

If it does, we're going to buy a lot.

We'll buy a lot.

He said junk.

What's wrong with junk?

We need them because my girlfriend squirts a lot.

Oh, okay.

Thank you for that.

I'm so sorry.

hasn't that been proven that that's urine it's a myth pretty much it doesn't matter

yeah that's what i hear did milkman ever make it back in here no oh man yeah we should try to get

him back it's getting late for that shit try to get him back let's work on that you guys want

or are we gonna do something else now yeah i'm just looking at that did you get any numbers

is there, Dark Stranger?

I think people give me some, and I'm

just confused.

Gilmore Timbers.

Go ahead.

And Nunu keeps asking me to call Charlie.

Can we do that?

Yeah, what's his number?

You guys have it, right?

Yeah, it's in Skype. I'll post it again.

Yeah, Cyclone 1. You can talk to him.

You want to talk to him, right?

I just want to hear him get called again, finally.

It's been a while.

No, he got really mad at me last time

I haven't really talked to him.

It's just a long time ago.

You kind of laid low on him for a little while there, right?

Yeah.

I haven't talked to him in months.

He's got Carly's cell.

What's that?

Let me look.

I might.

There it's in Skype.

The business number always goes over to the cell anyway.

Oh, it does?

Huge leap.

It was closed.

Yeah, it did.

Okay, I got it.

All right, here we go with Charlie, an old-time friend.

We'll see if I can work out him calling him or calling him on the show.

I definitely am planning on what I'm going to do is going to take requests to get places.

Hello?

Hi.

Yes, can I help you?

Do drop in, yes.

Go ahead, guys.

Don't fucking interrupt.

Hello?

Hi, can I speak to Charlie?

Hello?

Can I speak to Charlie?

Charlie on the phone.

He's not here now.

Who's calling?

This is Larry calling.

I need to speak to Charlie.

I'm from Pepsi.

But he's not here now.

There's a problem with the order.

Yeah, you guys are behind on your Pepsi bill.

Bill, you owe us $1,753 for Pepsi.

Damn it.

By the way, Nunu says her name is Becky.

That's the wife, I think.

What's the son's name?

Hello?

Charlie Jr.?

I don't know.

This is what they do.

The wife is the one that does this.

Yeah.

She puts it up.

That's why I wanted to sell, because if we sell, we might actually get him.

Yeah, hold on

I think Artie's got it

Doesn't Artie have his Duffer?

Artie does

Artie was texting me

He texted me during the week

And never replied back again to me

Hold on, let me check

I might have it

We can call Artie

Let's try to call her

Oh, here, I've got it

I don't want to talk to him, though

Hey, y'all

I am gonna break out and crash

See ya, man

Thanks for joining us

Sorry I was just there for a minute

I'll try to jump in

I'll try to hang out with you tomorrow, alright?

Cool

Cool, cool, yeah, yeah.

All right, bro, have a good night.

Bye, Matt.

Matt's going to be on tomorrow.

He said around noon-ish, CST, so we'll figure it out.

I'm sure there'll be Wern on the Prank Call Nation channel, chat channel.

In the line, we still have Dark Stranger, Neon, Baz, JagTV, Zykon, and Mike the Don.

Yeah.

All has been forwarded to an automated voice message system.

Damn it.

Boo.

Turn this up.

He probably called him and warned him.

pepsi's caller yeah all has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system eight

i was wanting to at least hope to see if he said something on that there right

nope no such luck okay shall we press on it's 1 12 a.m where i live we've been on the air for

three and a half keep going wake up calls uh yeah if we got wankers yeah let me run the tool

i can get some numbers yeah that's probably a ton of them his numbers suck yeah his numbers suck

Fuck, he's been striking.

They never answer.

We could get random ones, and they're better than what he's given us.

Yeah, they've been striking out, man.

Could be worse.

Could be UK Godfather.

Yeah.

What were you doing tonight, Jones, Neon?

Is that what you were doing?

Yep.

Yeah.

Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones, exactly.

All right, let's see what I can get.

Cooper.

All right, let's put Jones.

We're doing Mitchell and Denny.

Where's Denny at?

All right.

Wow.

It'll even show you a Google map of the area.

Yeah.

Yeah, I actually requested that from Dashie, and he did it in, like, 10 minutes.

That's awesome.

Cool, man.

That's pretty amazing.

Dashie's real cool, man.

I mean, I was just thinking, hey, Dash, here's a suggestion.

You know, sometime if you could look into that.

And then, like, 10 minutes later, he goes, try it now.

And it was there.

And thanks to Dashie and Dwight and everyone who had posted Craigslist numbers for Len and me

to be able to use that incoming line for as long as I was able to use it before trolls started hitting it up.

That was fun, you know, take some calls like that.

It's too bad that I guess I'm just too popular that I can't do it.

I can't do it anymore, man.

I used to be able to have a phone line and a phone number you were able to call and put you on the air.

and people just eventually that had to go away because of idiots and then yeah wow huh guys

well i think it's one person to ruin it yeah yep that's true i think the craigslist calls were like

brat or pla guys yeah might have been at first but then it became a little annoying all right

i'll stop reminiscing what did i say i was gonna call wankers we've got him in skype yes yes it

does okay yeah and maybe a little late it's 6 14 over in the uk right now let's uh one would say

it's a little early right yeah true hey nunu post the number if your face sucks fuck yeah

seriously nunu be talking some crap about the numbers man the numbers i called all his numbers

on my show and none of them answered yeah it's like the third time i'm like where'd you get

these numbers from i'm telling you for years the the guy came through i don't know what happened

It's because he's a pedo.

No.

No, I'm not.

Here's the thing, though, guys.

Remember, Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile both fucked minors in the 80s.

Margaret Thatcher?

Are you just saying like a political...

Minors, minors.

Oh, yeah, the minor strike, yes.

Very nice.

Oh, come on, Voxos.

Stop it.

Stop it, Mouse.

Stop it, Voxos.

Stop it, everything.

I got a tech issue on my end.

Stand by, please.

Fuck.

You know.

I know.

for calling skype technical support my name is frank my name is frank my name is jerry

that was the thing especially in the late 90s early 2000s they would tell them all to pick a

name in training an americanized name that they liked to use for the calls pretty sure they still

did yeah i went to university i was with this cool this guy is cool his name is osama he's

oblivion where he's egyptian cool dude and he worked started working call center for a sandisk

he said he had to he had to start saying his name is sam because when he would you know he'd say hi

this is osama oh you get like the most fucking ignorant people your name's what you think that's

funny he's like no sir that's my name i'm sorry so it has to go by sam yeah um i got off track

What was I trying to do here?

Numbers?

By the way, Sam, you're not talking about Donut Man, right?

Donut Man.

I wish I could find him, too.

I pegged that.

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

Well, he kept saying his name was Sam, and I said, it's Osama, isn't it?

He said, yeah.

He actually told me once, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I do have, I did find that number for the, what was that, Gritson Groceries?

Remember that super old classic call?

Gritson Groceries ABC store.

Yeah.

I still have the number to that.

Yeah, you should try calling it on there.

The big show.

Yeah, that'd be a good idea.

Just like Ernie.

Yeah.

Looks like I got my technical issue working here.

So we're starting with your first one, Neon.

A. Williams, all right?

Anyone, go ahead and call it and take it, please.

Hello?

Is this Mr. Williams?

Yes.

Mr. Williams, we're calling from the Royal Service for your morning wake-up call.

We need to make sure you're awake and ready for work.

I beg your pardon?

What are you calling for?

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

And this is your morning wake-up call.

Let's make sure you're awake and ready for work.

Well, I didn't order a wake-up call.

Well, I'm sorry, sir. There must be some kind of mistake. We show here you have...

It's a quarter past six, twenty past six here in England.

Yes, it's a perfect time to be getting up for work.

Who is that?

My name is Mike, and I work for the rail service.

The rail service?

Yes.

Somebody's playing a practical joke, I think.

Sir, if you like, I can put you on with my supervisor.

I'm retired, and it's 20 past 6 in the morning, so this isn't great.

Sir, if you'd like, I can put you on with my supervisor.

Hello, this is the supervisor.

I've been paying attention to this call.

Damn it.

Asshole.

No.

Did he hang up?

Yeah.

Sounds like he did.

Yeah, I was muted.

I was trying to talk to him.

I was flipping him off real hard over here.

Oh, hard.

You should call him back.

I'll talk to him as the supervisor.

Yeah.

A stupid visor.

Stupid visor.

Hello, we are not available now.

I'll try again.

Fear not, guys.

I'm trying again.

I got my crown on, my Biggie Smalls crown on.

This crown here is the same exact one in the famous Biggie Smalls one.

But I got to use earbuds to wear it for the show.

Hello, we are not available now.

There it is.

It's been up here for years.

I've never worn it.

You guys want to leave a voicemail or we're moving on?

Let's move.

Hey, my name is Stimbler Dan, and my friends.

All right.

My friends.

Yeah, I'm David.

Yeah, I have friends.

I'm Snorts.

I'm Fuck You.

I'm Asshole.

I'm Chastity.

This is my friend, Shitbird.

That's a good voicemail.

Here is C.S. Williams, number two on the list.

Bedfud.

Yay, I'm featuring Prankle Nation on my new website.

Too late, Choppy.

You got a new website?

site. I'm working on it now, yes sir.

Make sure you give me a link so I can put it on the site.

Hell yeah, man.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment,

so please leave your...

What's on your shirt, Carly, Dad?

Uh, Miller Lite?

I can kill the lower third. Classy for these.

Daddy.

Daddy? Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy, and what does he do?

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment,

so please leave your message off the phone.

Horse.

Baby food. I say baby food.

That's something that Defbox did once on a Crack Me Up.

He just goes,

What?

That was me.

No, I'm just kidding.

That one with me feeding him?

Tristan made that.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Remember he used to throw up randomly?

Hello, is that C.S. Williams?

C.S. Williams?

Oh, fuck.

Jesus.

What?

Jesus.

What is this?

I got mad.

Oh, shit, man.

You mad, bro?

Don't get like that, man.

He's a little rude, Malfoco.

Yeah.

Who is this? What do you want?

Hey, this is Snozzwell.

I'm with the Royal Service.

I'm the supervisor here.

Yeah.

I'm going to fine you now 35 quid for insubordination.

Who are you? What is this?

I already told you once I'm David Snozzwell.

I'm with the Royal Service.

Yeah, yeah.

And I have the authority to levy fines and make inspections.

Infections.

So I'm fixing to come over and take a look at you.

I'm going to inspect you for ticks and mites and other parasites.

I think you should get the wanker, Jerry.

If I find any, you're going to get fined even more.

Well, sir, I'm confused now.

So I was about six in the morning or whatever it is.

I've just woken up.

Yeah.

And you saw again.

Oh, scratch.

Sorry.

Through a bed boogit.

Yeah, well, I'm going to come over and take a look at your scalp.

Scalp.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to inspect you for nits.

You know, the eggs of the lice, and then we're going to have to inspect down below for the crabs,

and then we're going to have to take some samples, stool samples.

Do you have any baby carrots available?

Carrots?

Yeah.

You take them into the loo, then you insert one into the rectum,

then you pull it out and you put it in a plastic bag and we test it.

Are you American or from the South?

I'm Scottish. I'm from Aberdeen.

The best damn town in the world

I'll tell you that

Aberdeen

We want to talk to you about the number two pencils

Yes

This is my wife

Talk to her

I'm done with you

Bye

Sir did you watch the Oscars tonight

No

You did not see Benedict Cumberbatch

He came

He squeezed out the badge

No it would be

be a cardinal sin to miss it hello englishman okay if you're an abedin no we did not say we

were an abedin moron all right yeah we were calling from that i would never say such a thing

do you know a boy named nunu terrible with phones what are you wearing now sir

are you wearing trousers are you wearing pants you're going to have a manic monday sir

you should have a blue monday blue monday go hawks yeah new order

you're gonna have your tea now just another manic monday good one

yeah what time is it sir can't wait till friday i'll be in love can't wait till friday so i can

Yo, Drake.

Fucking tour, man.

So how's your organs doing?

Are they functional?

They're amazing.

Can you reach into your trousers and grab your organs?

Your best organ?

We also will have to inspect your sexual organs.

Yes.

To verify they're in working condition.

If you're uncircumcised,

we're going to need you to retract the foreskin.

So we want to see your bits and bubbles.

We need to check for smegma, too.

You grab your bollocks for us?

We need to check for gayness, make sure it works in front of a straight lady.

Are you a cake boy? Are you a puff?

Sir, have you noticed a foul odor coming from your trousers?

Or has anybody complained about a foul odor?

I can smell them over here.

Like a man or a woman or probably a man, I'm just guessing.

Can't you smell them over here?

It smells like yeasty.

They could smell you from across the pond, sir.

Are you a raging queen?

Are you queer as fuck, sir?

Sir, we have some bad news.

There's a Pakistani family that's moving in,

and they're going to take your house.

They're a pack of standees, yeah.

They're going to smell up even worse than you do, sir.

Some packies.

We're going to have to live in your house with you if you want to stay there.

They already did.

They're dirty devil people.

From the very top.

What is it about?

You're having a good wank over your voice.

I'm already wanked, so I'm kind of past the point of giving a fuck.

By the way, I need a cup.

We're going to be digging some holes.

Well, I'll take advantage of this result, but I still can't use it, so...

Are you a nurse, sir?

Sir, are you a, uh, a butt pirate?

I didn't know that's a booty, that's what I was gonna say.

Do you suck dicks?

How about you, cause that's a golf ball, sir.

I'm like, oh, it's like something like a...

What?

I think he's chasing us.

It's gonna make an AAC file on your phone, first of all.

Yeah.

So you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to convert that to, uh, a lossy MP3 file.

And if you don't do everything perfectly, the NSA will steal all your data.

All right, dude, don't start being creepy.

There's women here, all right?

There's women present.

Stop it.

Yeah, I'm right here.

Excuse me, sir.

Sex pistols or the clash?

I'm asking the man.

Sex pistols or the clash?

Or quartered.

I'm a bigger fan of the clash.

What about Iron Maiden or Judas Priest?

What about Tom Petty?

You guys like Tom Petty?

Judas Priest breaking the law

I like Tom Petty

Tom Petty or Bruce Springsteen

I'll do both

Sir I have

Excess wind if you ever get that

God you talk a lot of bullshit no one cares about sir

Pretty much

Go back to bed sir

Yeah go back to bed

Get the fuck off my phone.

Yeah, we're Americans. We command you to hang up.

I'm not American.

Yeah, hang up. Hang up.

No, you hang up, motherfucker, you.

Yeah, it's in our constitution.

We've got the shingles.

You can take us to bed with you.

Hang up, you pillock.

I want to.

Hang up, you packy.

Can you stick your phone down your trousers for us?

No, I can't do that.

We need to inspect Ding Dong.

There is no specific...

I'm not insulting you.

I'm just curious.

I'm curious. There's no specific language. It's English.

I can't make them up.

Shut up.

Would you say that West Side is the best side?

What?

West Side?

Would you say that West Side is the best side?

For respect, yo.

Banging with, sir.

Who do you represent?

Are you afraid of the LAPD, sir?

LAPD?

Yeah, well, Wig is in England town, yo.

What the fuck are you doing there, sir?

What the fuck are you doing there?

You're supposed to be at East Brighton, y'all know.

Fucking, fucking twonk.

Fuck you all.

Fuck you all, you fucking white pillock.

Hey, here's what I gotta say about cops.

They'll slam you down to the street top.

Black police showing out for the white cop.

Fucking ponks.

Coming straight from the underground.

Eat shit!

No drinks, no peace.

Spotted dick.

Fucking Jagoff.

Fucking Westinghouse.

Sir, I have something I want to recite to you.

I just have to find it.

Hard.

Don't hang up yet

Just give us a second

Don't hang up

You guys talk to him

Oh, you're going to jerk off?

Hands are bullshit

Hey, we've got to make it last

Hey, you do it there

Sir, listen carefully

Pop and stop and hop

And like a rabbit

When I take the Dina Rossi, no, I've got to have it

You know the rest, sir?

I think about the shit and I think it weird

No, it isn't

How can I mix my grip

How can I make that nigga straight stick

Do you want any music there sir

Oh Baz

I'm the only one allowed to use the M1

You can use it in a song

Cut that shit

This is Lord Basington you should give him respect

I'm an American

And I've been knighted by the queen

I knelt down

And she tapped me on each shoulder

With her sword

and then she

topped my penis

George Washington

was my favorite

Englishman

would you like to

have a sword fight

sir

my friend here

swords are nice

but remember

what happened

in Raiders of the Lost

Ark

sword guy got

shot with a 38

yeah

straight up like

fuck you man

would you like to

skate or die

alright can we

let this guy go

seriously

I don't know

he's curious

but he doesn't

have as many

questions for being

curious

bye buddy

see ya

Goodbye, WK guy.

Goodbye, fucker.

No, we're American legitimate callers.

Goodbye, you dumb little baby.

Legitimate callers.

Too legit to quit.

That's not a wind-up.

American Idol.

You get one question, then we're leaving.

Okay, but one question is, why do you ring me up?

USA Today.

Why not?

completely random because we can because we can get paid in laws

well it's supposed to be funny but you're not very funny sir

you're boring englishman you kind of ruined it

so after you are awake it's time to morning

curiosity again we're americans we take a lot of methamphetamines

Bath salts.

We eat bath salts, eat people.

So you get some big money to buy more bath salts.

See, it's hard. It's hard life. It's hard to get bitcoins these days.

I learned today dark strangers eat your boogers.

Lots of cabbage, lots of carrots in the rectum.

Yeah.

And then we test the carrots, so we all know we're healthy.

Shag is very healthy. He's got a healthy rectum.

He's a healthy boy.

Sir, we're going to have to go and shove some more carrots over at.

All right. Love to talk with you.

Thank you.

Remember, we're going to bring the carrots

Yes, Lord Dorsey

Pride and prejudice against blacks

Or chinks

You're going to have to let you go

See, we're such good people

We're going to let you go

Only Packies, right?

The Packie family will be arriving

Alright, I can't anymore

That's it

After a while, you know

It's just

How much crazy shit can you say

A nip-nog, really?

Okay.

You want to say hi to the people?

Hey, Kim.

Hey, pussy.

Hey, kitty.

It's been a good show.

My nails are now colored 420.

Do what now?

Green?

No, snail polish is 420.

Oh, nice.

Sweet.

Okay.

I was going to say, let's call it a show.

Well, we got a few more of these numbers.

What the heck, right?

Do it.

Not drag them out.

Big penises and big vaginas

Yeah, exactly

We're going to go all night

We're going to rapid fire these

We're going to rock and roll all night

Rapid fire

Alright, starting with

K Williams, K as in Kilo

Like Cat Williams

Like Cat Williams, yeah

Very good

Guy that went crazy

Like every other black comedian

After Chris Rock

that hits a certain stage.

I can't handle it.

They go,

I'm a conspiracy theorist

and fucking Illuminati's after me.

Same.

They won't want to make me

wear a dress in a movie.

Or they become

Tyler Perry and

they really suck.

Hello, Kay Williams?

Is that Kay Williams?

Who do you want?

I'm calling from

the Royal Service.

I need to speak

to the Williamses.

The Royal Service?

Yes.

I think you've got

the wrong number.

No, this is Williams.

Purton Hall Manor?

Yes.

Yes, you're the correct one.

Okay.

What is it regarding?

The Queen is going to be coming past your location here in a parade later today, this afternoon at 1 p.m.

We need you to make sure that your front yard, your front and front of your house is nice and tidy and cleaned up,

that you don't have a lot of things about.

Well, of course you don't have a lot of things.

We live in...

Oh, I don't know what this is about.

I'm going to pass this to my husband.

Well, yeah, don't put anything in your window.

Yeah, put the man on.

This is just a woman.

Hello?

Yeah, listen, I'm calling from the Royal Service.

What?

I'm calling from the Royal Service, sir.

The Queen is going to be passing by your residence.

And we're calling in advance to make sure that you don't have any rubbish or things about in front of your house.

And nothing displayed on your windows like political signs, shoes, condoms, anything like that.

Sexual toys, things of this nature.

Take a long walk off a short path.

Hey, hey, come on, no.

Hey, you numpty.

No, don't say it.

Don't say that.

Excuse me, Sal, you have quite a dirty mouth.

Brad got that, like, Saturday, right, on the show?

The guy told him to take a flying leap or something.

That's a K that Brad was looking for.

I still have to hear the caller.

That lady told me to sod off.

Sod off.

You just sod off.

Long walk off a short pier.

Well, he's been saving that one for a while, huh?

Oh, your crew cannot be taken at night.

Aw, all right.

Here's P. Williams, also known as Pwilliams.

If anyone wants it, holler.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Chloe.

Oh, okie dokie.

This goes to Nia.

Everyone else, try not to mess it up for her.

Okay.

I'll try.

I kind of call.

I've got a different...

Welcome to the Mexican Sabbath.

I've got a different P. Williams.

Fear not.

Same name, different place.

Thanks for getting these, by the way.

i appreciate it okay

you have to show your cat yeah he doesn't hang out here with me during this time of year too

cool yeah when it gets cold my cat wants more affection hello hello hello miss miss pussy

williams how are you this is nina how are you nina from where this is nina from simone i'm calling

i'm calling um to ask you a couple questions do you mind well then why are the brits so concerned

with wiping everyone's bum from gum to toilet to cleanser is it that you really have a dirty mouth

i'm trying to project it on americans speak up dear i'm not that great in the ears

hello i knew that julie andrews was on the oscars fucking lady gaga ruined her songs

you're going to climb every mountain dear but just find a few of your favorite things

just

listen climb every mountain fuck every beast i don't know these are a few of my favorite things

have you ever puked and pissed at the same time

no have you like seriously like ever thrown up but then actually like

shit or piss has come out is this pa williams is this p williams

We have a very important question.

Have you shit and pissed yourself at the same time?

There's an emergency.

Is this Pussy Ass Williams?

You better fucking answer.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is an emergency.

Is this P.A. Williams?

Yes?

Okay.

What do you mean it's an emergency?

Who is this Williams?

There's a problem.

Someone in your family just puked and shit at the same time.

That's a big mess.

We need to know if this is in your family history.

Yeah, hi, someone in your family

We know your middle name is ass

Quiet

Someone in your family puked and shit at the same time

Hello?

What are you on about?

Oh, nothing, I guess

Here's Neon, she looks plain

No, I guess not

Fuck her

Hey, you fucking numpty

Are you in regular England?

Because New England is now regular England

Oh

Fuck you, pussy ass

We're relocating you all to New England

Did you hear?

Yeah

She repeated exactly what I said to her

What do you mean

it's an emergency?

They piss themselves

at this.

Whatever.

Someone on the phone.

Is this the same one?

Yes, yes, yes.

Go ahead, guys.

What are you doing,

that makes you

a Patriots fan.

Go pitch.

Fuck the Pats.

Boo.

I don't want to hear

about that.

I'm just asking people

a random shit.

So what do you get

for not running

with Marshawn Lynch?

Marshawn.

Here's what I had to say.

Hey, Bats,

how about Andrew Luck

Luck gave you six points in the title game

for our fantasy league.

What's that?

You had Andrew Luck for our fantasy league, right?

Yeah.

I was watching that game.

I was pulling for...

They were listening.

I was pulling for Dallas,

and I saw Andrew Luck getting screwed.

I was like, well, you're fucked.

Yeah.

Two shitty seasons in a row for me.

Here's S. Williams.

I'm actually glad I got rid of Russell Wilson.

Listen, that's my quarterback in fantasy.

Let's have some of the...

What can you...

Can you add Gil Mumbo?

Drop him in here.

Gumbo.

No.

Let me do it.

Do it there.

Yeah, talk to him.

Oh, you don't have him added as a...

Hello.

No, I can't be taken.

That's it.

You can still drop him in here.

I got him here.

I dropped him, sweetheart.

Your call can't be taken.

Fuck.

Even your voice is just saying I'm angry.

What's up, Mike?

He doesn't connect.

He just flashes off each time.

maybe it's the original

well that's a context

we'll see what happens

he runs his shit

huh

I don't know

weird

but I have the worst

Skype problems in the world

that was the last number

we don't have any more

oh no we have more

do you want me to try

dragging him in or

there's some more in there

try dragging him in

I think Skype is dumb

same

same shit

no big surprise

I can try it

oh I guess I could

I'm the one hosting this shit

you're not supposed to be

on this show then

Will John

no Johnny

the window

gagging crow

I'm pretty sure I just added him as a contact.

Yeah, he's sexting me in the chat room.

What do you really want to do in this call, Gilman?

It's messed up.

We're just pretending it doesn't work.

You guys are crazy.

I don't know.

I'm stupid at this.

I'm sorry, Gilman.

So am I.

We're so nice to ourselves, like our self-talk.

God, we're so bad at this.

Badiful.

Oh, a la dammit.

Obviously not the program.

It's us.

Sub-Site 1.

What's up?

So do we think about Milkman's shit?

Like, what's on his list?

No.

I kept trying to get him back on, but I couldn't.

Oh, he's here?

Well, I mean, he's listed as we haven't been added, but he...

Will he just conference sometime?

He's working, I think.

He's trying to work.

He's getting shit for fares.

He said it's, like, end of month, and he needs to try to get some money to make things.

Well, he's actually going to be okay for this month, actually, as a matter of fact, he said.

Thanks to everyone.

Did he get his car fixed?

No, that car's a lot.

schedule like like is he able just to talk during the day or stuff uh during the day he can yeah

well he sleeps he sleeps and he sleeps he seems like me he sleeps in you know i'll just send him

oh carlito can we ever call that company with the indians that you got your uh that uh unfairly

fired you no not yet because i'm actually gonna i'm actually gonna i'm retaking my ccn i'm gonna

try to recertify in ccn i let mine lapse and drop out so i'm actually gonna recertify and

And great to find out now that they redid the whole fucking setup of it now.

So I actually have to study my ass off again.

Plus, I've been out of practice in the networking thing for like a year and a half.

Yeah, I'm actually going back to school for computer networking to do cybersecurity.

So if I have any homework questions, I'll hit you up.

Yeah, man.

Dude, because you can get a Cisco CCNA security specialization now.

Yeah, I'm actually taking A-plus right now.

I'm thinking about doing that.

Are you taking A-plus?

A-plus?

Hey, I'll get you.

You can find the pool of questions and just memorize those.

Fuck it.

It doesn't even really help that much anymore.

But if you have it on, at least you can say, I got the A-plus out of the way.

You know what I mean?

At least I know what the terms and the glossary is.

Back in the day, it used to mean something.

All right, Neon, you said what?

We have more numbers?

The Thomases?

Did I skip those?

Is that what happened?

Oh, no.

I put more Williams in there.

Oh, you did?

Can I try these Thomases, though?

Go for it.

I forgot them.

I started off at the other way.

All right.

I, Thomas.

Thomas.

UK wanker time, Nunu.

Nunu.

We're doing Nunu.

Can we call him Nunu?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean...

Some people used to call him Nunu.

We've probably talked to him before.

Probably.

He's probably sent us a number, yeah.

Hello?

Hello, ma'am.

Hello?

Help.

Good morning.

Help us.

We're hungry.

We need food.

We need munchies.

We need munchies, man.

I don't like this party.

Food.

We need food.

I just shit the bed.

Sorry.

Do you have sandwich meat?

We need the marmite.

You want marmite?

Can you have some?

I need the marmite.

Yeah.

Can you have...

Can you make some...

Can you bring us some food, Nance?

Can you make dippy eggs and soldiers, please?

Put the man on.

Can you bring me some munchies?

Some porridge?

Hello?

Woman.

Get in the kitchen and make me some food.

Adam, are your nipples...

are they brown, pink, red, or peach?

Or Hershey's.

Hershey kisses.

Leave a cute little nippies.

When they get cold, do they get more

like Hershey kiss-like?

Did you know that colonics are a girl's best friend?

My poops are like Almond Joy.

Do you have loose stools or firm stools?

You gotta get out that

Bristol stool scale.

Do you ever pull up your shirt and trace

your fingers over your stretch marks and say

you're so beautiful, mama?

Did you say the N-line?

Old lady?

It's racist.

Old woman.

Old man, what did you say?

Is there a man there we can talk to about his nipples?

He just said the N-word at us.

What?

Old man, is your ass jiggly?

I heard him.

He said, you nigger.

That's the man.

You said it.

Oh my god, he got me.

Oh my god.

You don't need to be spanked.

He said it again.

Old man, it's 800, nigga.

It's okay for you right now.

18 years a slave.

We're not allowed to say ban should, though, because that's racist.

You bad dude

There's a lot of racism going around on this show

I get the most influence

When I jiggle my tits

You know you can get mono from kissing

Yeah you can

Kissing pussy

You know when you get the turkey ready

And you go to stuff it and you spread the legs

Shut up

You speak English man

Jack says to shut up

Everyone shut up

And see what this person has to say

I wish we could speak English.

Shut up, you old bitch.

Say something awful to us.

Shut up, you old bitch.

You gypsy burrat.

What kind of insults do you have for us?

You have tooth and brain.

How many teeth do you have?

Are you a son of an owl?

What are you, man?

I do a little bit of burrat.

Very nice.

How much?

That's a nice.

That's very nice.

I like sex.

He's my sister. She never

fought prostitutes in all Kazakhstan.

He screwed over that city, man.

One day, he

broke the cage, and he get that.

He get it.

My cousin Bilo.

He have iPod mini.

Hello?

Hello, madam. How are you?

My name is Nina. I have a question for you.

That was the same one, by the way.

Immediately suspicious.

suspicious. Can I do a

wake-up call? I'll do a brat one.

Alright, here's Al Thomas then.

I'm sure this will be great.

Can we all talk during it? I keep dreaming

we're like on a prank call nation cruise,

man. That'd be fun.

And I can't find a bathroom.

I'm gonna wake up and I can't find a bathroom.

Just go over to the side.

Hello, this is your 7am

wake-up call from Kazakhstan.

Pleased to wake up.

She's not nice. I'd make

no romance explosions out of

her have you have hand relief yeah sure likes to go to places like uh walmart and goes in the

change room hey this isn't a bathroom oh my god there's no toilet good morning mom good morning

mom are you a banana in pajama this is miss thomas oh shit you guys want rapid fire i got

Fuck off.

Call him back.

That was too much.

Alright, this is OG Thomas.

OG Thomas.

He's an OG.

Original gangster.

Oh my god.

He's like Ice-T.

Original gangster.

Ice-T has a

list too that no one ever brings.

Mr. T. So much better.

He's got a shitty ass name.

KDK is the original gay.

Same.

Did you guys watch the Oscars tonight?

No.

So fucking mean.

Right when the best director,

the guy's going to come up.

Did you hear what Sean Penn said?

He said, who the fuck gave this guy his green card?

Oh, he did.

He sure did.

That motherfucker doesn't even live in the United States.

He didn't say the F word.

He said, who the hell gave this guy his green card?

So mean.

Totally dampened.

Yo, director guy, I really like you,

but I'm going to let you finish.

Well, the guy got him back

because he was just like, you know, you should just be respectful.

It'd be funny if he did that.

I had to fuck Kanye.

Nobody's native, really.

Well, and the thing that gets me is

people are like, yeah, Mexican directors.

Ain't nobody give a shit about fucking Mexican directors

before this guy won. Now everybody wants to

write his coattails.

There's been a few Mexican directors.

Oh, there have, but I mean,

it's funny because, you know what the funny

thing is, Carlito, is that this director, he's

He's Mexican, and he has a Basque last name, like, along with all the other names he has.

And people are like, yeah, he's Basque.

People are like, no, he's Mexican.

And it's like, how about he's just a director instead of trying to claim him, you know?

Yeah.

Whatever.

Reverse racism, right?

Of course, every single time.

If you're half of something, one half is going to be pissed.

Yeah.

The 2015 Oscars are filled with uplifting stories, calls to action, and Alzheimer's requests.

What?

Anyway, Sean Penn's comment right before announcing the Best Picture award at Sunday Night Ceremony may have undone it all.

As he prepared to announce Alejandro G. Iñárritu's Birdman as the film of the year, Penn made a reference to the Mexican director's immigration status.

Who gave this son of a bitch his green card, Penn said right before announcing the winner.

what a dick he said that that's so mean yeah so mean unless he's friends and they laughed it

off well look i kind of laughed but i mean if anything it's still a stupid to say but you know

it's sean penn yeah okay that's good the guy brushed it off though instead of freaking out

yeah he won he's something what what sean penn okay go drown in your mouth a good movie sean

penn's video uh dead man walking was pretty good oh yeah it's pretty good the only one i can think

I think it was Sean Bean who was

Travelling Man in GoldenEye.

The Outsiders.

Was he in The Outsiders?

Mr. Groover's a crazy man.

Was he in Goonies also?

No.

Was he in The Outsiders?

No.

He wasn't in The Outsiders?

What were the Outsiders?

His brother was in The Outsiders.

I thought The Outsiders were...

Weren't The Outsiders Kevin Nash?

I remember his brother sang that

that song.

Weren't The Outsiders Kevin Nash

and Scott Hall

weren't they the

Outsiders

um

when they went to

WCW yeah

yeah I was gonna say

that Outsiders was

much better

let's face it

Scott Hall is a

badass

big dick

he's uh

pretty fucked up

now though

did you see the

ESPN shit on him

apparently he's

doing a lot better

but yeah basically

it's like

who gives a fuck

Outsiders were

actually much better

I guess

plus Hulk Hogan

I mean Hulk Hogan

makes anything good

rapid fire

I like this song

no man

did we get og no yeah no muff too tough let's get it i don't remember if we got og let's call

him back yeah call him anyway jesus christ right here oh hey dwight hey dwight fuck yeah what's

up candy talk this guy's name is a strain of weed milkman's gonna be smoking in a few weeks

og tom strains of weed that just doesn't happen here just getting that shit weed just get what

you get is that what it is skank weed dude they're at the end of the fucking ass of north

i swear like whatever the hell i got my dealer found it in his like pocket in the back of his

closet whatever i got this last time fuck me up og thomas heard that and hung up good work guys

i'm gonna just resell this to someone i don't like i'm blaming baz for my dope addiction

smoke weed every day oh yeah fine blame me it's all my fault it's all he's like it's so easy to

to get a card it's so easy i can't do it anymore i went i went king louis style last night and it

probably reshaped my brain for my entire life your brain the whole brain the whole fucking brain dude

i was so i was so fucking high last night how high every i mean i was so fucking high i swear

to god i don't even fucking remember how it's doing it's fucking high okay you're really uh

and making me feel weird.

Stop.

Oh, sorry.

We're on the show.

Oh, yeah.

We're approaching 420.

It's 418.49 seconds.

Come on, Jack, do it.

420, we'll have a little celebration.

How about that, guys?

You got a minute

until we hit 420

on the time clock on Mixler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I killed a hobo.

Quit calling me a hobo.

That's what I did last night.

I killed someone.

Are you going to call someone

and tell them

that we were celebrating 420.

Yeah, R. Thomas.

I just called.

What's he say?

Well, let me publish my website, motherfucker.

Jag?

That's not...

What's your website called?

JagTV.com?

It's gonna be JagWorld.org.

JagWorld.org, I like it.

Nice.

Nice, man.

Hey, Jag, whatever happened to your forums?

My porn?

We're sorry.

Your call could...

Your forums.

Forums are still September 10th.

Yeah, everyone stopped getting on it,

so I shot myself.

in the arm on accident

with a BB gun.

That's the whole reason.

Ouch.

That's the whole reason.

Fine.

How much longer

do you gotta go

until you're completely

healed up with that,

you think, buddy?

Um, soon, I think.

I'm gonna have

weird-looking scars,

but so far,

it's just scabbing over,

so that's good.

Now, you shot yourself

on accident,

or someone shot you

with a BB?

I shot myself on accident.

Okay.

Too many pumps

or something?

I don't know.

It was just, like,

a weird gun.

I pumped it, like,

eight times,

and then it just

went off on me.

Somebody did not follow

the four rules of safety.

Don't pop, just shoot.

Uncle Zyklon's going to give us the four rules of safety.

What are they?

The safety button.

What else?

Holster.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Always assume it's loaded.

Keep muzzle pointed downrange.

Keep finger off the trigger until you're ready to shoot.

Know your target and what's behind it.

That was my problem number three.

But there's actually five.

There's actually five rules.

The last one is pointed at your head.

Yeah, stick your eye in there.

Jag.

Why are you saying that?

Shoot your eye out, Jag TV.

Yeah, why are you still, like, dark?

You're being dark.

Why am I dark?

What?

I'm not dark.

I'm fair skinned.

Gallows humor for me.

Good God.

Jesus.

He has been corrupted by Pringles.

I'm telling you.

She's gotten dark and pretty.

My cousin lost his eye to a BB.

What is that?

Your head?

Fifth rule?

No, that's too dark.

That's too dark.

You can't say that.

Don't say that.

Big penis.

That's what it's saying.

That's a dark fucking move, bro.

Hey, if I say too much dark stuff, I'll turn it into Clayton Bigsby.

Clayton Bigsby.

Oh, well.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Hey, guys.

Come on.

P. Thomas.

Rapid fire.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Beanie on fire.

Let's all jump in on there and finger that.

Finger.

Yeah, let's hit these guys with beanie pranks.

Let's all get some fingers in the mouth and asshole and suck them up.

You're lucky, right?

You just shot something important.

Like my wiener.

My little wiener.

Is this Williams?

You're not as stupid as you would feel.

You know, I actually did it while I was telling that guy the Mimi thing.

I forgot myself actually doing it.

What would your wiener sound like if you shot a hole into it?

Like Mr. Bill.

Like, oh no.

Mr. Bill.

Hello?

Wow.

Hello.

Good morning, Mom.

How are you?

Hi.

Good morning, Mom.

Do you have a smile on your face?

What?

Well, we're currently in the madhouse.

We could be in the funhouse.

Would you like to look in the mirror?

Have a good laugh.

put a smile on your face for Monday morning well it's time to wake and bake

we're celebrating 420 got a bunch of fucking clowns here call her back yeah

you guys go for it Thomas Thomas right these are Thomas's Thomas's Thomas it's

It's too dark. Don't say it that way, Carlito.

I was just messing around, dude.

Don't get upset.

I'm messing around with you, man.

Don't get upset.

Pithamas.

Thomas.

It's Thomas.

Mira.

It's Thomas.

I always liked Timoteo.

Timothy?

Ooh.

Yeah.

Timoteo.

Or Cristobal.

Or Stobal.

There, please.

You learn, in our situation, you learn Spanish two ways.

You learn the way you speak it at home

And then the way that you have to speak it

To Americans

Like Cristobal

Cristobal

Which means Jesus' balls

That's what that means

So how early do you guys learn

Like all the gutter Spanish

You just learn it while you're growing up

Like I'm gonna fucking hit you with a chancla bitch

My mom

My mom and dad

Did you ever get hit

Hit with a shoe, Carlito?

Of course, a chancla, you can't...

Or the mata mosca?

Carlito's not a president.

He doesn't get shoes thrown at him.

I don't know what.

Oh, I'm not Bush, right?

No.

Exactly.

It's not in dishonor, it's in I'm gonna beat your ass, kid.

Yeah, it's gonna, I'm gonna fucking beat your ass.

My mom called me a pile of shit all the time,

fila mienta.

She was like, you fucking fila mienta.

Oh, that's mean.

Yeah.

Maldita sea, fila mienta.

which means created bad

the technical

is like you're mean but it really

means like you were raised wrong

so you're my mom

Mexican Obama

did you guys

say this

yep

there you go

worried piece of shit

no one knows what we're talking about

yep

whenever you got had a boo boo when you're a little kid

squeeze it

I don't know, they would just kind of pinch you a little bit

and say

it's like a little nursery rhyme

kind of jingle

to get you to forget it

it means heal

heal frog's ass

if you don't

if you don't heal up today

you'll get healed up tomorrow

that's the translation

it just doesn't translate

it just is a translate

you say que sana we just said sana sana colita

anyway hey hey come on this isn't fucking puerto rican talk thank god it's it's spanish

it's not latin americans time hold on i don't know we've got shit here in english

translate like i have it on my cup it says sleeving no one's gonna know what that means

You've got A.

Newfoundland English.

Just like evil person.

I got S. Thomas, also known as Sothomas.

Happy Valentine's.

That's too late for that.

How do I dial these numbers?

Just click on them.

Just keep clicking on them.

Oh, you're not on Skype. I'm sorry.

Pray for me.

No shit.

This is an on-string machine.

Again, there should be enough time.

Hello?

What?

yeah hi is this s thomas no is miss thomas there or mr thomas no i'm afraid not you fucking liar

you lying motherfucker you it's a quarter past seven in the morning i need to speak to the

thomas's why there's no one here you're there you dumb motherfucker you who are you i need to

talk to the thomas's because i have a complaint about you from who from myself hello

Hello?

Oh, she gone.

Can we call her back?

I want to talk to her.

No, but I have my complaint first.

Okay?

I say my complaint

and then you guys go.

Then you guys go.

I think walking up to a lady

and just being like,

spread me would work.

Spread for me.

Hello?

Ah, damn it.

There you go.

That's just being like,

oh, fuck you.

Ma'am, will you just spread for me?

Here's V Thomas

Maybe it's Vagina Thomas

Oh it might work

Virginia

Okay it's the same thing

It's called Vagina

Okay

It could be Vivian

It's like a real slut name

Is Milf unable to get on?

I'm going to spread for you

Bye Jag

Jag's out of here bye Jag

I don't know when he left

I just noticed

uh all right so v thomas is a bust i have no name from this one i'm presuming it's a thomas

all right now i'm starting to get bored

someone in the chat hello hello yeah hi is this mr thomas yes all right sir good good

um i'm calling from the royal service we have an issue that we need to get resolved regarding

regarding your services there?

What services?

Do you realize it's only 7 o'clock in the morning?

Yes, I am, sir, and we start our business hours at 7 o'clock in the morning,

and this is a problem with the water.

This is a problem.

What water?

The water that you get to your house.

When was the last time someone flushed the loo?

What do you think might the problem be?

The water is coming through dirty and warm,

and we have to flush the main machines out,

out. The main big machines out.

What big machines are those?

The big United

Water Machines that

handle the

Kelthorpe.

What country are you calling

from? Well, I'm in Chicago, Illinois.

We're contracted with

your power. You're in Chicago?

I think that my local

water authority is far more capable of

deciding what's right and wrong.

No, listen, after hours

we have to take over.

please. Please don't go,

sir, please. I'm begging you.

I don't think so.

Bastard.

Come on, sir. Please, just hear me

out, okay? Oh, go away.

No, you fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole.

He's like, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Spread for me.

Yeah, man. Love this song.

Alright, where we at?

You said you got more neon?

I think I put Williams in there.

Let me see.

I left off at S. Williams.

Tiny chat.

It starts with D. Williams.

D. Okay.

I can post him again if you want.

Yeah, can you post him again?

Because I'm...

It's okay.

Banchoed?

Hey.

Banchoed.

Hey, Banchoed.

Ain't where I'm going to think I'm a hoe.

Maybe we're a hoe.

I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Yeah, keep saying that.

Maybe I should just lay here and let him touch my booty.

D. Williams, everybody.

Booty, booty, booty.

Hey, guys, I'm going to go ahead and head on out.

See you later, Zyklon.

I know you're not into the interracial love.

I just think she's some kind of...

Don't forget your pen.

I'm just too tired.

I'll see you all next week.

Yeah, hi, this is D...

What?

Hello, this is Bouncy.

I'm sorry, but we found that you called...

Uh-huh.

He got you.

She knows she won't have...

All right, Efeon Williams.

What the hell are we listening to?

Did he woke...

He woke up sick.

You sound like I'm sweet.

Thank you.

I like waking up to the beer.

no answer from eflon so we've got gm williams that sounds like a good american car

builder name right gm williams it's like the name of a you know

well no it sounds like a gm dealership in the 90s yeah gm williams come on down

Yeah, we've got acres and acres of cars.

Yeah, we'll make you a deal.

Acres of cars.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, is that GM Williams?

Pardon?

Is that GM Williams?

No.

Is this Williams?

Is this the Williams?

Oh, shit.

Come on.

Fuck damn.

This the Williams, motherfucker.

Talk to me, goddamn you fucking shit.

Come on.

Listen to me, you nuns.

I hear you over there.

Cunt.

Spread open those ears.

I'm hung up on her.

That doesn't even make sense.

That doesn't.

I guess you could spread them this way

Like, you know, a good

Welcome to voicemail

The person you have called

Alright, we'll leave her alone

Uh, coming up next is

I, Williams. I, as in India

My voice is shot now

I knew this was gonna happen

No

Didn't have a voice problem

Maybe it's the magical, like

Shit weed that's hidden in the back of the closet

Did you cough? Sometimes if you cough

You get off

yeah they say if you cough you get higher uh yeah coughing actually isn't like being a pussy

oh kids hello we're coughing we're coughing and getting offing

you should try it with us do you want

yeah we have uh cigarettes this is why we woke you up we had to let you know

I'm taking a shit over here.

We found this closet weed.

It must have been in there for like five years.

It's so dry, but you know,

I thought it was going to be really shitty,

but actually it's amazing.

There's so much shit outside.

We've just been coming,

and we're getting holes here.

You still with us?

Here, I left the bathroom now.

Are you still with us?

You didn't flush.

You didn't wash your hands.

I can't right now.

I'll go back later.

Oh, Chino.

all. Hey, I wipe. That's important.

That's the most important.

I wipe the feces off.

I put it on the wall.

I smeared it on the wall like

Nutella, you know? As long as you can smear it.

Like Nutella on a graham cracker.

Spread them.

Lady, come on. We're going to hang up.

Or gentleman. Did you wash your hands

last time you went to the bathroom?

Whoever the hell you were. These wankers are more

timid than like Asian women

that I'll call. Like in Japan.

that's why it's always the best to call them so you can get out of them they get all weird like

i'm going in my shell my shell you know turtle yeah a mitchell here's a new one a mitchell a

mitchell i'm mitchell you should call asian people after just to see the difference

fuck i remember on the conferences we'd call um like disney china china disneyland china

and paging

Mr. N-Word and shit like that.

Oh, Jesus.

I was like, you know there's at least some people that speak English

and know exactly what that means in that fucking

Alatama lobby right now.

It should call Loveland sometime. Have you ever seen that place?

Loveland?

Yeah, you should Google it right now.

Is it in Japan? It's like a fucking place?

Well, they're trying to get people

to have babies, right?

Because their population is going down.

So, yeah, it's just statues

and dicks and stuff.

I don't need that to, like, try to procreate.

That's cool.

I don't need to, like, oh, yeah, there's big dicks here.

Yeah, let's...

It's like ride the dick coaster.

Oh, shit.

Whatever.

That's so weird.

I saw on vice.com there's a penis park in South Korea.

Is there really?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

I did see that.

You're right.

Yes.

I did see that one.

We tried to find the number to that park, and we called it, and nobody answered, though.

Holy shit, you should call, like, this guy said he's from, like, Los Angeles, ask about all the dicks.

Alright, we got another I-Mitchell here.

Yeah, that's going straight. Here's a J-Mitchell. I'm pretty sure we didn't call these yet.

Damn it, motherfucker!

Shitbirds.

Alright, look, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

I am done.

I want to thank all of you guys for joining

with me. We still have Baz,

Neon. What's up, Neon?

Hey, baby. How you doing?

I'm good, honey baby. You got anything to plug?

No, just

going to try to figure out what happened to

Saturday's show, and I had just the pre-

Madhouse show today.

Look in the folder when

we thought I deleted your first episode.

Maybe it's in there. I can't remember how to get

there. Oh, I'll give you the

life's hard.

Much love

What's up Dark Stranger

You got anything you're plugging

I'm not going to answer that

Mike the Donnie

Thanks for being on

I don't think you've been on before

This is my first official

Madhouse

There you go kid

Baz you got anything to plug

You said in the summer

You're hoping I do some more

Work schedule could change

and be easier

so yeah I'm hoping

alright well you can go on whenever

remember don't you know the rules

whenever you want to you got a place here

between now and then you're going to a lot of shows

yeah no no problem alright

see you later guys

alright thanks man good show

I'm sure he was going to say good show

I'm going to give Milkman one because he's green right now

let me give him a shot

while we

I want to thank everyone else who made it on the show

who else was on jag you know that's all i remember zyklon was on i think that was it right there

and matt ltm our buddy matt was on there i quite enjoyed that still calling milk vans any people

that everyone has sent in numbers even new new new new you're still you're going through a tough

tough tough tough streak here man feeling for you i know you got i know you work hard you know

And even like Nunu's go-to time of year is the convention time.

And I believe that's usually like late, like early fall, late summer, early fall.

You know what I mean?

And I think that's not what he got out.

Milkman, are you back?

What's up, man?

Speculating on Nunu striking out lately.

Just trying to come up with ideas as to why it's happening, you know?

Nunu?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, real quick.

Nunu's been around a long time.

In the chat room, in the chat room, if anyone has an idea for a title for the show,

please give it to me now.

We'll go ahead and go over those.

If you guys know, I can't even think of one right now.

First guy was, what, a motherfucker, nigger, whatever the hell he said, man.

Who was he, man?

What was that guy?

I don't want to use those.

Yeah, Mike Adonis' Take a Long Walk Off a Short Pier.

There you go.

I think that's it, man.

Carlito shit don't stink.

I don't remember that.

White Power Hour now, I don't remember that.

Did we ever call that guy back?

Yeah.

we got a title we got to take a long walk off of a short pier mike the donnie wins five madhouse

dollars which you can use for madhouse merchandise over the madhouse madhouse live.com store click

on store and madhouse live.com and buy some merchandise get yourself some slippers you know

some cd wallets um what else we got there we got a t-shirt yeah yeah we got some cool stuff man

there is no madhouse store i'm sorry we have no madhouse

you know what i'm gonna open up i'm gonna open up a store again like we used to have a store

where like you could buy like i used to buy things off of it every once in a while i had a hat i

lost it but i had a madhouse radio hat madhouse live the thing is i'm really bad at graphical

I can't do graphical stuff

So I need someone to make the designs for me

I can't do it

I'm very bad at that

I can barely draw

The wavy bird

Which is just two lines

Like M

The two arches like McDonald's birds

Milkman take us out of here man

I'm talking too much

Alright

What did I miss dude

A lot of wankers

Nothing too crazy

I couldn't hear anything

You guys kept calling me

And it was just like

It was like it would die man

I'm sorry man

We're going to get it worked out though

We're going to figure something out

Don't worry man

We're going to get you back

We're going to get you back on track

Alright

Well there you go kids

You got another fantastic

And stalling the madhouse

Right here baby

That's right man

Let's thank all our friends over there

98.6 the mouth

And all our friends over there

Thank you so much for dropping in

and msd3 clay i think man all my brothers and for their thank you so much and sisters yes all

our special guests that showed up tonight thank you so much hey baby what am i talking about man

we had a great show man hermanito as always man the best we do this every week for you the most

interactive show you can find right here on the internet that's right we drop the dime we just

ask you to give us a time bring a friend or better yet bring your enemies because they are welcome

right here in the madhouse that's right how we do it every week without our fearless leader the

generalissimo in the madhouse hermanito man baby thank you so much man we are saving lives man

one call at a time brother yeah yeah man all right well that's it thanks milkman you have

a good night man i'll talk to you tomorrow as a matter of fact yeah man give me a ding tomorrow

man we'll talk bro all right man peace out brother peace man love you all right later love y'all man

And later for 20.

All right, everybody else, thanks for tuning in.

MadHouseLive.com.

Subscribe to the podcast.

Check out the shows and the prank calls there.

Subscribe up wherever you can find.

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and we appreciate everyone who supports us like that thank you so much all right i'm out of here

good night everybody give me money

Calls (52, 1 h 49 min of 4 h 21 min)

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