Ham In A Can

Fucking knobbed.

I'm, excuse me?

Yeah, he's saying that it was the two of you that had consensual sex in his office.

Oh, go to hell.

Well, is that true?

That's a keeper.

That could go in one of our new promos.

Go to hell!

I don't play no fucking games, man.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you.

All my vlogs.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Am I right, Al?

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.

We got a lot of angry guys in there.

Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords.

Besides you, the average anti-social.

So we gotta go in, right?

Clean their clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

Hey, everybody, I'm Carlito,

hosting Madhouse Radio for March the 1st.

I'm here with Milkman.

Milkman.

Uh-oh, I messed up, I messed up.

I have a problem with the camera.

Come in, come in there.

There we go, there, I got it.

I have a problem with the cable here, and it's my fault.

I'm sorry.

I tapped it when everything was muted.

I was like, oh, I might have messed it up.

Is that what that noise was?

It sounded like an airplane sound.

Yes, that's it.

It was a rocket launching.

We launched a rocket into the space, and the show is on now.

It's a Ford engine.

We're giving them a couple.

It better be a Ford engine.

It was a Dodge, Fiat, Chevrolet piece of shit in that motherfucker.

Piece of shit.

It's better than the Stratus.

The Dodge Stratus?

that's your favorite it's all you ever talk about is dodge stratus there's two of them i mean that's

the car of choice i mean as long as i can remember the madhouse has been around i mean that was

always the car of choice the old famous dodge stratus good damn car it's like a grown-up dodge

stealth what are you talking about milkman don't talk shit about dodge stratus shit man i got the

madhouse mercedes man but we had to unfortunately retire her he had to sell her for some plane

tickets to the united states is what happened well yeah she's been sidelined here during my

recent uh my recent episode here yeah he had a fit he had another fit you're really

defensive tactics 101 live all right man cool all right so we got numbers from bradley carterson

uh listener out there in oregon thanks for listening man we appreciate it welcome to the

the show uh we also got an incoming number that we can get set up with some ad advertisements

oh great are you really on youtube right now yeah i am you can watch me but your video and stuff man

dude i can't believe that man because there was a message here in the in the in the chat room

it says uh milkman says watch the pantsless air mono now on youtube oh yeah the pantsless air

aromano it says man no i have shorts and uh yeah get a dress right here in the chat where you can

watch the pantsless aromano right now i have gym shorts and gym shoes on milkman oh come on dude

don't don't don't tell the story man everybody knows you're the pantsless aromano come on man

you're the commando commander out there no that was tuck that did his shows pantsless i just take

off my shirt that's all i've ever done man all right okay all right we'll go with that that's

took off his shirt in honor of me sexy beast he told you begged me like take off your shirt

it was the best thing too man because i was like you know how much wood we got dude and then

everybody in the chat was like going boing boing you know did you ever watch that where i took my

shirt off on youtube for you i've watched part of it dude it's so long man because like you know

how my my bandwidth condition is so like keep rebuffering and shit you know your bandwidth

once it gets better here i promise improvement i'm working on it dude i mean everybody you know

everybody is stuck by me and you know i'm finally working again here and i want to thank everybody

once again that did help out even if you didn't help out your kind thoughts has really done a lot

take me through this great adventure

here of hell I just went

through. Hell! Damn it.

We want to report success and

thank everybody once again. I love all you

guys. You're the best.

Manito, you're my brother.

It was the first of the month, weren't it?

Trying to buy some rabbits, yeah? Hello?

Yeah, hi. You got some rabbits?

Yeah. Okay. How good they

taste? Well, I don't know. I'm not

eating any of them, but

I imagine they taste like rabbits.

of it i'm gonna eat the fuck out of them you have two lion head bucks yeah all right okay how their

teeth doing nice and straight teeth or are they going through their jaws no uh they're not even

six months old yet oh are they nice and fat yeah what color are they one is solid black and the

other one is white with black uh black on his ears and his nose that sounds delicious

delicious very nice oh how do their buttholes smell too much i don't want to eat some rabbit

rabbit all right it smelled like grass like little green pellets yeah hi don't hang up come on tell

me tell me about the rabbits how big are their sexual organs i don't know the rabbits i don't

grab them up and jerk them off every chance i get but they get little boners sometimes are you

Are you interlacing in the rabbits or not?

Yeah.

It is late.

I was in the bed.

What were you doing?

Were you with the rabbits in the bed?

It's late and I was in the bed.

My whole family's surrounded with rabbits like fur so I could keep my big ass warm.

It's winter, I'll have you know.

I'm going to call the second number that was listed, which is only one digit off.

So I'm going to assume it's her boyfriend's or her husband's.

extension upstairs yeah are you the one that jerks off the rabbits if she's not the one

yeah are you the one that jerks off the rabbits yes okay how big are the sexual organs then on

the rabbits say what i'm driving a truck here you got some rabbits for sale yes all right um how big

are their sexual organs i don't know what you're talking about you know how rabbits have sexual

organs on them when they're when they're born they have sexual parts private parts yeah how big are

are they on the rabbits the private parts i don't know they're just that what kind of question is

that well because i'm hungry i'm going to eat them well they're up enough to eat if you want

to eat them i don't know they're all every night is inside have you ever had some rabbit hey buddy

buddy if you want to be stupid you can call somebody else listen i called i called your

wife at the other number that's just one digit off it's a six instead of a five i already talked

talk to her and she invited me to she invited me to come over to share her bed with her

oh shit dude i think he's calling her right now man he's excited he wants to get in on it

dude what what i've been looking trying to get her in on a threesome damn it let me call her

down make sure she's get her ass ready oh shit i guess he's a trucker i'm gonna leave him alone

Oh, and I don't want him to get an accident on account of me, man.

I'm a dang old moth lizard.

Oh, we got someone who's looking for a mattress, looking for one.

Nice.

Do you want to do a prank call, Milkman?

You stinking sleeper leaper, you.

Good answer.

I think she's a sleeper leaper.

Why am I upside down on the video?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You looking for a mattress?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm upside down.

I'm hanging upside down.

Oh.

Okay.

help help all right so uh what are you what are you interested in for the mattress what size

mattress you want first full size i'm getting dizzy oh i'm upside down again i'm dizzy oh

i'm upside down we'll get right side up i can't it does it automatically i don't know why

why does it happen like that why is that happening i have no idea i don't know either

I'm scared.

Help.

Anyway, so the mattress.

Mom, no hands.

You're looking for a full-size mattress?

Is it just for you?

It's for this gentleman that lost his wife, and he's moved into an apartment, and he's

needing a mattress.

All right.

Is he going to touch his sexual organs on the mattress?

I have no idea.

He's in his 70s, so I don't know.

Oh, he might.

Maybe you should help him out with his sexual organs.

No?

No.

oh okay are you long are you married uh no oh no very nice you sound delicious you know that yeah

oh yeah oh yeah are you are you into analingus at all do what are you into analingus no do you

know what that is yes oh really have you ever tried no no never oh okay i don't know i was

just wondering some girls haven't done that or have done that you know maybe you for real your

Your husband's been down there, and he's never gone down a little bit further than that?

Ever?

Yeah.

Oh, you don't have a husband.

That's right.

Oh, you're probably really ugly or something, right?

Right.

Oh, that's a shame.

Okay.

Well, I'm sorry.

I was kidding.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

How big are your breasts?

I can let you talk to my boyfriend.

He's sitting right here.

Oh, yeah.

You got me on that.

Okay.

All right.

Is he hot?

Yeah, he is.

All right.

Put him on.

i'll talk to him because he needs to lick your asshole you it's amazing it's an amazing feeling

yeah put him on he's gonna get on he's scared hello hey how you doing boss for you yeah hey

your girlfriend over there she was talking to me she wants you to you know what analingus is

no oh it's when you lick the at the girl's asshole oh um i misunderstood yeah i know what

that is oh she she really wants it she says and she'd like you to perform that for her sometime

time you know oh because it's a really good feeling for the woman because she has a lot of

nerves nerve endings back there in the anus you know and as long as she cleans really well um the

experts say that it shouldn't be a health risk at all as long as she cleans before the experience

and then she should also clean afterwards also yeah i mean basically if you've eaten her pussy

before you've eaten their asshole i mean it's right there right true yeah yeah all right well

Well, think about that.

Think about that.

All right, I'll call you next week, and, you know,

hopefully by then you've been able to get a few licks in there.

Yeah.

Sure.

All right.

Knock out that fart box, baby.

Yeah, punch it with your tongue, you know.

All right, what was your name?

Hello?

Jones.

Jones?

All right, Jones, I'll call you next week, Jones, at the same time, all right?

All right.

All right, we'll talk about this rim-jobbing shit.

You're looking assholes.

Yeah.

All right, see you later.

Bye.

We'll get Debra Mansfield's comments on the subject.

there he goes all right well he's like

you sound like you're about like a homo man i don't know is that her son or what man i don't

sound like no boyfriend whatever he sounded like he was like 30 years older than her and

she's just with it for the social security check you know what i'm saying that one girl you were

dating i don't know who's older dude it sounded pretty questionable i'm so young here i've lost

I lost my mind, man.

I was only 67, but I didn't have a tongue clenching or what.

All right, listen.

Here's someone who needs to buy horses.

Did you hear what I said, or were you talking over?

Did you hear what I said, buddy?

I'm sorry.

He called me Mike Tyson.

Someone needs to buy horses.

I like horses.

He's horsing around, though.

Whoa.

Well, I don't have an answer.

Hello, this is the ward residence.

We're not home right now.

Leave a message at the base.

Thank you.

Bye.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Pick up, pick up.

Pick up the phone if you're sleeping and you hear me.

Delilah's gone.

While we're around the truck.

Delilah, are you around here?

Okay.

I'll call back, all right?

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

This is what Brad does.

Brad gets a voice.

Can you listen to it again?

It's a replay.

No, it's an answer machine.

But he gets on voicemail answer machines.

He goes, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

It's like he's calling chickens to feed them.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Bitch is gone.

That old cunt is gone.

Hello, this is the Ward residence.

We're not home right now, but leave a message at the beep.

Thank you.

Is that Sean Ward?

You've met, you've reached Luga Belusi.

Belusi Ward.

I thought you said, you've reached Sean Ward's residence.

I couldn't quite make it out.

But he sounded like he said Ward residence.

That doesn't sound like Sean Ward, you big queer.

I didn't say he sounded like him.

I said he said it.

God, I don't know.

Sean don't sound that pretty.

Damn, you're queer.

I'm looking for a 206.

Hi now.

I'm looking for a 2006 Trailblazer.

yeah milkman you want to tell them that's a shit tell them it's a shit car tell them you got a

what is it they want a trailblazer tell them you got a white bronc ford bronco tell them

trailblazer's a piece of shit ford bronco how much they want for it well they're looking to

buy a trailblazer i say tell them that's a piece of shit okay but they're not answering they're not

answering they're not answering oh we got numbers from brad we got fucking um i want to convince

I convinced them that they should buy a Ford Bronco, and that I have one to sell them for only $2,500.

That's what I was telling you to do.

I got it.

Hello?

You dumb horse.

Has a voicemail that's full of shit.

A horse mail.

And if they would actually answer it, they'd have to wipe their ass before they could say hello.

Wow, man.

Hey, so we got two things.

We got numbers from Lonesome Loser.

Lonesome is in the house with some lonesome.

The numbers hit, man.

Hey, brother, sister, all this hell for our big brother.

The numbers hit, man.

Lonesome loser.

Really?

Seriously, dude?

Yeah, he's in the chat, and he just gave me some numbers.

Fucking hey, man.

Oh, wow, brother.

Welcome.

Thanks, man.

Welcome home.

Thank you.

Welcome home.

Like I said, all this hell for the lonesome loser.

all right look gas depot in north dakota yes let her blow and then a lonesome number

blow it out or cunt blow it out what kind of song is that it's about a train right yeah it's called

let the train blow the whistle still let her blow let her blow the fuck are you talking about john

i know what you're really talking about that's what that song is really about probably oh yeah

Yeah, I love getting blowjobs from Rose, so I'm going to play the little blow, little blow.

All right, I'll give it up on that number, then I'll pick it up.

Here's the next one from Lonesome.

We got a diner called The Songbird.

The bird is the word.

I got a song for you tonight.

That was his wife, right, Rose?

Rose Cash?

Am I right, Milkman?

Or am I wrong?

Or am I Wong?

Yeah, Rose.

Was it Rose?

It was Roseanne.

But didn't he call her Rose?

i could be wrong damn it god damn it johnny cash what let's see google knows

johnny cash spouse still doesn't say hang on wikipedia knows spouses june carter yeah

where did i get rose from june carter june farter she was one of the carter sisters i was trying to

remember what her first name was she was like a famous singer there was two of them her sister

sister and her and her brother brad i don't remember the bro i just remember the two sisters

and then he johnny cash like fell in love with her man they were like you know like musical talent

and they stayed together like you know was their lives until she died like how old was she she's

pretty old elderly she passed away yeah and he kind of gave up after she died right that was

that broke her heart yeah he died of a broken heart from that point on he kind of gave up

and that's where all them like really dark songs he came out with there you know the nine inch

nails one and stuff that rendition he did and you know i really like those you know those are

really fantastic because look you know he took a a new genre and he put it with his own unique

spin on it you know and sadly you know we lost him but you know at least we have the record of

some of his some of his interesting thoughts there as he passed yeah and then i found his diary where

where he had all those anti-Semitic comments.

No, it didn't.

But they should have.

They should have.

I don't know if he's anti-Semitic or not,

but I know he was cool.

He was a man in black, dude.

He was, like, cool country dude from the 60s, man, right?

Sue, how may I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

Hey.

Hello?

I'd like to make an order.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay.

Did you want that for here or to go?

For go, because I'm not there.

Okay.

I can't eat it if I'm not there.

I can't eat it there if I'm not there.

This is true.

What would you like?

One eggs.

Do you want an order of eggs?

One eggs, yes.

Okay.

What else can we get for you?

Well, you didn't ask how I want the eggs.

How would you like your eggs?

Cooked.

Okay.

How would you like them cooked?

With heat.

Okay.

If this was a prank call, I would really appreciate it because I'm the only one here.

Oil!

Did she break a bunch of dishes?

She's the only one there.

She just threw a bunch of dishes

on the floor in anger.

Motherfucker!

I'm the only one here.

Look, if this is a prank call,

look, I'm the only one here.

I don't have time for this.

Oil!

I don't think she was frustrated.

I think she was just anxious.

That's all.

That was fucking nuts, man.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

With heat, huh?

Okay.

I'll just change the caller ID.

I'll call her back and complain.

I'm just going to say,

Oil!

The complaint, though.

first with a different voice.

No, I'm going to do this.

Then switch into it.

Long bed.

Yeah, so let's make an order, please.

An order?

A pickup order.

Okay.

Are you ready?

One oil.

An oil?

Oil.

What kind?

You like canola?

Yeah.

One eggs?

Two eggs.

One.

Three.

No, one, motherfucker, you.

Ten eggs.

All right, ten eggs.

Fine, fine, ten.

You like one whole pack?

Yeah, that's a dozen, you dumb fuck.

You like them in one sack?

Fuck you.

you, John Thomas.

In the shell.

Are you British? Are you a pillock?

What? You like me pull piss in your ass

from four feet away?

Yeah, cooked with ass. Without one funnel.

Yeah, why don't you cook your asshole?

I'll piss in your ass from four feet away.

Sounds like a pump. Without a funnel.

Sounds like you're really into that.

A pump? Yeah. Do you wash your hands

before or after you do that?

Bum-ba-cluck. Oh, he was Jamaican?

Do you think it was a white guy trying to sound Jamaican?

Yeah, dude. He was trying

I'm trying to mix some accents, dude, but that's what he came up with.

You don't have a Jamaican patois.

He didn't talk like no Jamaican.

He's one of those white guys that has dreadlocks.

Sounds like patchouli oil.

Dude, I don't even think he's that original, man.

I think he's just trying to do an Eddie Murphy or something.

Suck my rass clots.

Starter Center, this is Kyle.

How can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Suck my rass clot.

Pardon me?

I'd like to make an order.

Suck my rass clot.

lot i'd like to make an order all right one eggs i just want how would you like your eggs cooked

yeah i want them cooked with heat prepared then uh make them with heat uh so a little bit of oil

oil oil a little bit of oil uh heat uh some kind of spatula type appliance maneuvering the egg

matter the first thing you do is you crack the egg and then you make sure you have a hot surface

to put it on with heat it creates heat heat exchange do you have electric heat

or propane heater what do you have there all right so propane you need to make

sure you got a nice clean blue flame on it you know make sure that no items are

anywhere near the burner where it's gonna possibly affect burn and cause a

smoke out can I talk to the chef maybe the cook why not yeah

Can you place

that order for me, please? Post-haste?

Yeah, what can I... What would you like?

One eggs cooked with heat.

I don't know what you said. What did you say?

Gollum?

From Lord of the Rings?

Yeah.

Alright.

We've got the Overlook Restaurant.

I was going to try Wormwood.

If he didn't pick that, I was going to try Wormwood.

That was the one dude that hung out with the king, whispering in his ear all the time.

He was sucking his cock all the time.

Well, all kinds of crazy things are related to in the actual book, but who knows.

All right, we've got the Overlook Restaurant, which is open for another hour or so.

I love the man in black, dude.

They jerked off me and I started to rain.

And I said, it's God's come, making everything real.

So pissed off, I took a shit in the microwave.

I turned on high, smeared it on the wall.

Right on the set.

And then a while, a while.

And I take this room beside this crazy bastard.

Goddamn Vietnam, motherfuckers.

I ripped off his helmet and shit in it.

Slapped that bad boy.

Goddamn Viet Cong.

I want you to drip off his face.

Whatever.

This is a fun show.

It's make up Johnny Cash lyrics that are repulsive.

Let me grab you a song.

Goddamn Viet Cong.

Everyone's like, we don't know if it's a pro or anti-war song, but it's kick-ass.

Got a lot of the common buzzwords that keep it exciting.

Goddamn Viet Cong.

I want to make an order, please.

We're not serving food right now.

Oh, what are you serving?

Ass?

stupid. We're not serving food

right now. Okay. Whatever.

It doesn't say bar in their name.

God damn vehicle. Alright, the next

one here. That place is too

fancy to be serving food.

They got skavons.

Kim, how may I help you? Yeah, hi.

How are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'd like to make an order, please.

Alright. What would you like?

Alright, one phoo. I'm sorry?

One phoo. I'm still not sure

what you said. What was that? One phoo.

One phoo.

I'm not understanding you.

I apologize.

All right.

How about maybe you just don't have it, right?

I don't know what you're saying, so I'm not sure.

All right.

One sandwich.

Okay.

What kind of sandwich?

Meat sandwich.

Like a meatloaf sandwich?

No, with meat.

Like what kind of meat?

Cooked meat.

Like a burger?

Just meat.

Or a Reuben?

No, I don't need any upgrades like that.

I just like, you know, some meat sandwich with some kind of...

I just am not really clear on what kind of sandwich it is that you want.

Those are sandwiches that we have here.

What sandwiches do you have?

A meatloaf sandwich, or I've got a Reuben, a patty melt, something like that.

How about a vaginosis?

I guess she knows what vaginosis is.

What?

Yeah, I could have said labia.

Chat room, DS.

I was thinking that, but I said, you know what?

Let's switch it up.

Let's do vaginosis.

I thought she was going to go

we don't have that

we have turkey

like turkey

apparently she's familiar

with the yeast product

monistat please

just a quick reminder everyone in the chat room

who's not watching the YouTube feed

you can watch me doing the pranks

and he's not wearing any pants

nope

go check it out

MadHouseLive.com is a quick way to get there.

It's on the front page.

You can also go to MadHouseRadio.

That's the channel on YouTube.

And our Tiny Chat, the rarely used PC and Tiny Chat is up,

and I'm in there broadcasting in there also.

You can go to PrankCallNation.

That's the Tiny Chat room.

TinyChat.com slash PrankCallNation.

And we've got quite a few people in there right now.

Okay, continuing on, Milkman.

Man, I'm this lonesome loser.

Loser. Lonesome's back. Yeah, we got the juice.

We got Lonesome. We got some Johnny Cash.

We got some...

Milkman has some drugs.

We're in business, man.

You know I know drugs, but I'll tell you what.

We got some good shit here.

Got some good herbals.

Drugs. Some green drugs. What are you smoking there?

That snake? You got that snake?

Oh, hell no, dude. I don't do drugs, man.

I only smoke natural sources of herb.

Tonight, we got Girl Scout cookie

with blue dragon hash.

Blue dragon hash.

is it blue no it's real blonde you know what it looks like it looks like uh like a like a

lebanese bond is what it looks like back in the day from like you know the 80s exactly what it

looks like but it's really powdery dude it's not like all stuck together like been compressed into

a brick but it's not heat it's actually ash it's fucking killer i didn't smoke weed in the 80s man

i was fucking elementary school nancy reagan just saying no man you never tried hash from 80s dude

Dude, I was...

Are you kidding?

In 1989, I was 10 years old.

Are you that young, man?

Seriously?

Yes, of course.

I'm not that young anymore.

1989, you was how old?

10.

Would have been 10.

10?

9, 10 years old, yeah.

Fuck, dude.

You were born after I graduated high school.

Who?

Guess what?

You're old enough to be my kid.

Hey, son.

Most of our listeners are the same way now.

I'm so disappointed in you.

You didn't turn out to be a failure like your old man.

You turned out to be some crazy prank call, son of a bitch.

I'm so disappointed in you, son.

This is all I got, man.

This is all I got.

I love you, man.

Sorry, Dad.

Cafe and Lounge, how may I help you?

Hey, how are you?

I'm good, thank you.

Okay, I command you to take an order for me.

Yeah, I'm going to transfer you real fast and have you do the cafe.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry?

No, I don't want to be transferred.

I'm not going to sit here waiting to be transferred, shit, damn it.

Whoa, excuse me, sir.

Um, well, can I put you on over a minute?

Because I was right in the middle of something.

Okay, honey, I'm sorry.

I misunderstood.

Yeah, that's the only reason I was going to transfer you.

Are you?

Because I was busy.

You fucking twat.

Okay.

Go ahead.

All right, bye.

Whoa, excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened there?

I don't know, man.

What happened there?

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

It's up the clock.

Night, Hawk.

Westbound Allows.

It's Ken speaking.

Yeah, motherfucker.

I'd like to make an order.

What's that?

I'd like to make an order, please.

You call me what?

To make an order.

Sir?

That's how you said something different than that.

I was talking about that.

Please, sir?

Please, please, please.

I'm hungry, please.

I'm hungry.

Okay.

Mr. Effeminate Chef, can you take the order?

What's that?

Mr. Effeminate Waiter, can you take the order?

Have a good night.

Okay.

Apparently, he took umbrage to that last comment.

Typical effeminate waiter at a diner, like, escape me.

I don't care if you don't tip me.

I'm rich.

Fuck you.

I don't have kids.

I'm rich.

I'm too gay to have kids.

Oh, shit.

That reminds me.

Oh, my gosh.

If you'd have heard these two gay customers I had in the car last night talking about having kids together.

Were they fucking?

Were they fucking back there?

What?

What happened?

Dude, there must be a normal agent, too.

And he was a young guy, and he was talking to his mom.

And he had this, like, Filipino boyfriend, right?

And all of a sudden, like the conversation starts kicking in, you know, like, oh, yes, we're going to have a baby together.

And the first one, you know, it's going to be it's going to be a little girl.

We're going to call her India.

He's a beautiful brown Filipino.

And I'm a you know, I'm a lusty Norwegian and I come out with a lovely brown baby.

He's like a Filipino.

India.

What's India?

Oh, that sounds horrible, though.

No, that can't be the name.

I started arguing back and forth for like 15 minutes.

I had to listen to his shit.

Oh, my God.

That sounds annoying as fuck.

He was kissing all over the Norwegian dude's face, man.

Like, you know, like, no, no, no, don't make it Indian.

Any other name, please.

He'd call him, like, Sonita or something like he was.

How about Sonita?

That's a pretty Indian name.

Then he had the mom.

He had the mom on speakerphone giving, like, names.

What?

Are you kidding?

kidding no i swear to god dude i wish i had a camera and i'm gonna install a camera and i'm

gonna record some of this shit dude and then i will post it i just imagine the gay couple from

the movie best in show these guys probably wasn't even 25 dude they were barely in their 20s man i

mean they were still wet behind the ears man they were so young dude their eyes sparkled

i was laughing my ass off they're like frat boys in spring break the thing is how can they have

kids, dude, now who's gonna get impregnated

and how are they gonna have both sperms

sit together, dude?

It's impossible.

In England, man.

In England, speaking of Nunu

and stuff, in England they

confirmed the three-parent

baby of just a few days ago.

Little Filipino dude was kinda getting bummed

about this imaginary possibility.

This imaginary possibility.

Nice.

Yeah.

It was so funny.

I'm sorry, dude.

Can you imagine in the dream world?

I don't care if they're gay or not.

It was fucking hilarious.

The farcity of it was absolutely impossible, yet they were still getting upset over it.

The farcity.

The ferocity.

Moving right along.

Excuse me.

Let's do a call.

Some fantasy world where my penis was a vagina and you could fuck me and I'd get pregnant.

And the mom was even in on it, too.

The Norwegian mom was commenting for the speakerphone.

And I would have your Aryan, baby.

It was so perfect because the Indian names were coming up, right?

And I could just imagine, like, an episode of Banchode or some kind of shit.

And I shit about that point in time.

How about Nigel Hitler?

Fucking fox.

Night all gaffing loud, shall we help you?

What was I doing?

I think I had a stroke there, Malkin.

That was rather abrupt.

I mean, she didn't even bother to confirm whether he was in perfect health or, you know.

The stroke.

Exactly.

Nighthawk Cafe and Lounge, how may I help you?

Yes, hello.

I'd like to place an order, please.

For pickup.

Unfortunately, the kitchen has closed.

The kitchen has closed for the evening.

All right, I'll have a glass of water, some ketchup packets.

Okay, thank you very much.

He's being serious.

You can make a nice soup with that.

Like a bird.

All you need is that and a microwave, Milkman.

You can make a meal.

Water, ketchup, cat packets.

All right, we got Joe's.

Joe's Cellar.

Milkman, are you there?

Did I hit the button again?

Did I fuck something up?

There you go.

Now I'm here.

That was my fault.

No, I said, no, you got a ketchup factory, a shoestring, and you got a hobo skinny.

Nasty shoestring.

Dirty-ass salty shoestring.

Dude, you'll eat any fucking thing when you're hungry enough, dude.

Trust me.

I've been so fucking hungry before that I had a salt packet.

I took a fucking salt packet and made it last a week

and just sat there and sucked these grains of salt

and just, like, imagined, like, a french fry, right?

Something that's got a salt flavor.

Just imagine, dude.

When you're fucking hungry, dude, you'll do anything.

Okay, that's real sad.

I'm sorry.

I didn't...

No, it's funny, dude, because, like, when you really want it,

when you want it, dude, your mind will do anything it wants.

wanted you wanted to do man it's like i could just take that cologne salt and i could taste

all these famous foods that i really liked you know really was just my imagination making the

salt if it's something it was are you blurring the time you went on the diet or was this really

when you were food now this is when i got really hungry before yeah this has happened to me before

yeah you're on the diet you weren't on a diet this wasn't on a diet dude this is like this is like

abstinence diet i guess no food diet yeah when you're so fucking hungry dude that you will suck

on a salt packet because you don't have anything else good in your stomach man i'm having fun with

these lonesome numbers this is great we got a lot more to thank you lonesome because these are very

good these are popping numbers you know not to say our other numbers aren't but lonesome always

has a certain quality to be expected listen brad sent me and i was trying to say this earlier he

He said back customers.

Ooh.

You said Brent?

Brent Westwood?

No, did I say Brent?

I said I meant Brad Carter.

If I said Brent, I'm wrong.

Oh, okay.

No, it sounded to me like you got covered by the music.

I'm sorry.

You said Brad.

That's right.

You said Brad.

Let me call one of them.

Thank you.

I'm afraid it's too late for that, though.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

I'm calling from the loan department.

Yes?

You said you wanted to talk to Eric?

No.

You left a message here.

you need to talk to eric if you have a chance before the notary comes in well that's already

been done that was that was days ago i know the notary the notary's come and everything's signed

and it's okay he he says uh he we have him here and uh he says that after that got done that you

the both of you had consensual sex inside his office here i'm excuse me yeah he's saying that

that it was the two of you that had consensual sex in his office.

Oh, go to hell.

Well, is that true?

That's a keeper.

That could go in one of our new promos.

Go to hell.

I'm going to hell.

He's so heartfelt.

It's such a solid reaction.

Okay, time code that one.

Time code that motherfucker.

It was 20.01 p.m.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

We seem to have been disconnected.

No, I hung up.

Why?

This is a problem.

Because what you're saying is totally not true.

I have never laid eyes on that man.

Okay, I just need to make sure, because he's over here making accusations that he had sex in his office.

Well, I'm telling you.

Okay.

Then you best get rid of him.

Yeah, well, we are.

Trust me, we are.

You didn't give him oral sex here either in the bathroom here that we have?

Where are you?

At the main bank office.

Where's that?

It's downtown, the main building.

Downtown where?

The cross streets, I don't know them very well.

In what city?

Down in the main city.

Main city?

What's the main city?

Crossville.

I've never been there in my entire life.

It's in Crossville, Michigan.

No, I've never been there.

Yeah, well, that's where our main office is.

Yeah, so he says that the two of you had, like, a lot of sex in here

and that you had oral sex with him in the bathroom, the men's bathroom.

You guys are crazy.

I'll get my son.

He's an attorney.

Okay.

And I'll see that you talk to him.

Did you really show him your labia when you first came to the building?

I've never been to that building.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

That's it.

I'm calling my son.

Can I talk to him?

Thank you so much.

He's calling her son.

Watch out.

Put him on the phone now.

What's his number, please?

There's someone else.

I'm going to call my son to sue the shit out of you.

We'll answer there.

We'll go on to the next one.

Deidre.

I got so drunk, I hit this old bitch in the bathroom.

There was a round hole in the wall.

My wife this time, she didn't get better.

She didn't get back up this time.

In a glory hole.

Some trouble with my sweethearts.

I rode with my wife this time.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from Bone Purple Machines.

This is Deidre.

Yeah?

Yes.

You were calling, you left a message here calling to check his status about two weeks ago.

Uh-huh.

Did you get your status letter yet?

No.

All right.

Would you like to know the status?

if you would like to tell me

I could

alright here we go

alright congratulations

alright have a good night

thank you

bye

dude

that was so

magnanimous of you dude

yeah great

okay

that was random

the sound effects were really impressive

that should be how they

they handle that business. That'd be awesome.

Every time you apply for a credit card, get a call with them.

Yeah, perfect.

Woo-hoo!

Alright, we're going back to Lonesome for now.

We got

Hot Cake House, open 24-7.

These guys can't be telling me, oh, we closed

the kitchen. We used to do this all the time.

What? Used to what?

We used to do this all the time, man.

Man, I haven't heard this in a long time.

Here she stood with the labia out, and she parted the hair,

and I put her in there and fell in love with you.

That's how you have sex, boy.

She braided up the hair and put him over her ear.

Original Hawkeye, Cal.

Yeah, I like to make an order.

Oh, we can't do any orders on the phone,

but we could do one if you come on in and get one for you.

You motherfucker, you.

All right, I got your number.

Thank you.

All right.

Have a good day.

Bye, motherfucker.

You got three in the morning, motherfucker.

Bye, motherfucker, you bitch.

All right.

I'm going to come down there, motherfucker.

Well, what kind of bullfuck is that now?

I don't think so.

You're going to take my order now or we're going to stick it in your ass now, bitch.

What was that about?

I don't know, dude.

What was that?

All right, motherfucker.

Got your number.

Well, yeah.

Wardell makes you think that.

Yeah, we ain't going to take and pick up our order now.

You can go ahead and take it.

Original Whole Cake Steakhouse.

Yeah, I'd like to not make an order.

All right, sir.

Motherfucker.

No problem.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

Let me see that pecker of yours.

What?

I want to see that pecker.

What are you talking about, no pecker?

I want to see that pecker of yours, boy.

What are you talking about, no pecker?

You got a pecker.

A nice big pecker on you.

You talking about peckers?

You nasty motherfucker.

You got a nice big pecker.

Oh, pecker wood.

You got a nice clean bathroom here?

I'll show you my pecker.

I'm all quad all right.

We'll get you a sheep, boy.

We'll get you one of them sheeps, you goat roper.

You get off at 3, we'll get fucked in the parking lot.

You nasty motherfucker.

I'll suck your dick.

Suck your own dick, man.

I can, I can. I'll show you I can.

How about these to reach your ends, buddy?

Make sure you guys call about, I'll say about 2 in the morning.

Talk to the graveyard ship guy.

Yeah, he might be able to help you.

He told us you like it.

You got a nice loose one there in your backside.

I'll make a note.

You got one of them nice pretty maps, right?

I'd like to hear you squeal there like a pig then, Paul.

Call him up.

He'll service you.

All right.

All right, bye.

Have a good day.

Bye.

All right.

Got a call coming for you.

How about that?

Look at that guy.

Call back.

Nice shift guys.

What the fuck, dude?

Where did you find these people?

Is this Lonesome Numbers?

That guy was in Portland, Oregon, of all places.

I don't want to be listening to him talking like this.

What in the fuck is he doing in Portland, man?

I think he's been stuck somewhere in the big old corner.

Tobacco in his mouth and then stuck up in Portland like he's been transported back in time or something.

It's crazy.

I thought Portland was pretty civilized and shit.

I don't know what that was, but it was pretty good.

We were getting some good characters, man.

Numbers with character.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

No answer there.

For the forsaken, if you're there on time, you'll be washed of all your sins.

This place should be open, though.

It's called Ginger Pot.

That's what I'm talking about.

By the train, by the train, down by the train.

Thank you for calling Ginger Pop.

This is Audrey.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Sounds good.

What's your name?

My name is Tuck, Mike Tuck.

Mike Tuck?

Yeah.

Okay.

What can I get for you, Mike?

All right.

One sandwich.

We don't have sandwiches.

We are a Thai food restaurant.

Oh, I'm sorry.

One pad thai.

Oh, okay.

That sounds more like it.

Would you like chicken, tofu, shrimp?

Foo, foo, roo, roo, roo.

Quite catch that last part.

With roo, voo, roo.

Uh-huh.

Just wasn't sure how to interpret it, I guess.

Roo, roo, roo.

Do you want to make an order?

So what kind of meat would you like with the...

Hot cooked meat.

I'm sorry.

Are you seriously making an order or is this a joke phone call?

This is serious order.

Okay.

So pad thai, chicken, tofu, shrimp, beef.

Beef.

You want beef?

Yeah.

Sounds good.

Anything else for you?

One her, her, he, he, he, he, he, he, labia, one labia.

All right.

If you have a serious order, we'll take it.

If not, I am done with this whole call.

Can I order a labia?

No, you cannot.

Oh.

No, you cannot.

She is not very compliant.

Yeah, she's definitely not a compliant.

Unless she sounded cute.

She did have a sense of humor.

She laughed.

Oil.

Where's the beef?

Oil, oil, oil.

That was earlier.

Yeah, wall.

Oil.

Reloading here.

Reload numbers.

Fan customers are pretty fun.

I saw Judas' carrier.

I see Judas.

Karen, John will.

John Caratoo.

All right, we got a place called TikTok.

TikTok.

Yeah.

T-I-K-T-O-K.

Down there by the train.

TikTok.

TikTok, don't stop.

Down there by the train.

Time to buckle up.

Down by the train.

He calls his cock the train.

He's talking about this book.

Go down the train.

Privates.

If you've lost all you, if you've lost all you.

Oh, they hung up.

I hung up right as they finally picked up.

Uh-oh.

Literally.

Yeah.

I jumped her.

It was actually disconnected.

How can I help you?

I'd like to make an order.

Okay.

What you having?

Yeah, I'd like a...

What are you having, man?

One sandwich.

Okay, can you be more specific?

Do you want a club sandwich?

Do you want a turkey sandwich?

What do you want?

With meat.

Okay, so do you want, like, what type of meat do you want?

Do you want turkey?

Do you want ham?

Pork.

Pork, okay.

We don't really have, like, a pork sandwich.

sandwich do you want a ham sandwich uh this is there like a cooked meat you can put on it

a what like a cooked meat a cold meat um no i don't have any pulled pork sandwiches no cooked

cut god damn is there a man i could talk to fucking shit no no i'm sorry i knew that wasn't

gonna happen i'm so surprised at her i gotta be careful the way i'm screaming i probably scared

the shit out of my wife i like that that was pretty that was pretty uh pretty thoughtful

It was covered, yeah, it was covered over by all the noise on the other end, so it was

very fitting.

Tick tock, 80 seconds.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Hi, I'm sorry, you're actually, you're not allowed to call here any longer.

Have a great night.

Me, me, me, me.

What the hell is tick tock, 80 seconds, man?

What the hell, we don't want to call tick tock.

Are you dick or are you the doc?

She's sounding like she's the dick.

You're the one needing the doc.

All right, Lonesome is passing on a number from Lonesome Loser for Mohamed, who's selling a Samsung Galaxy S4 with a faulty LCD.

Let's see if Noonoo can pull it off, finally, and break the streak.

The slump.

All right, Noonoo, up to bat.

Nooners.

I've never given up on myself.

Bollocks or bust, we get bollocks.

4, 7, 4, 4, 6

Bollocks

That's a set of bollocks

The streak continues

Mooners

Fuck, dude

I'm telling you, man

His dementia is just beyond belief these days

It's alright, he's only 97, folks

Try to forgive him

I'm just kidding, I still love the guy

It's funny

I love him, man

His old self

He's only 97

Here's a different number.

Let's see if this one picks up.

Another Galaxy S4 for sale.

A penis is on it?

As noon as it does.

Hello?

Mira.

Hello?

Mira.

Hello?

Mira.

Hello, Mira?

Oh, we got someone pick up that time, right?

We're getting there.

Noonoo, there you go.

That's the idea.

Yeah.

Mira.

Hey.

Mira.

uh milkman did you hear the celebrity death mr spock is dead i know i heard about that man i

was so fucking bummed man because he was my favorite man you i mean if you know that by

now everybody knows that i love mr spock dude it was awesome leonard nimoy man he was so brilliant

did you see his last tweet or whatever the hell that twitter shit he did yeah he was like i gotta

take a shit he knew he was gonna go man he had a feeling he probably knew that i might not come

comeback, so he was smart enough to

put a good one down. He did, yeah, he did

a good job with that. Very, very well

done. Very well thought out.

I mean, that's just, that was the way he was,

man. It's logical.

Alright, next is, uh, these are

God rest your soul, man,

and we welcome you into heaven there,

Leonard Nimoy, alias

Dr. Spock. I love him, man.

Yeah, man, the force be with you.

Uh, Thomas. Live long

and prosper, man. Thomas Floss,

is a guy.

He's a wanker. Well, she is.

The woman who answered, rather.

Woo-hoo!

It's a wanker from the UK.

And the numbers that came

through the fire and the flood

clung to the tree and grew

something.

Alright. Maybe somebody can, like,

outdo Nooners here, replacing

here, I guess. We're going to have to do something.

He's dimming here in his

final years.

Now, please leave your name and phone number.

All the sperm came down.

BT-715.

BT-1571.

Dude, I can't remember.

I mean, I'm just like, got to be the numbers.

Lon Bisley.

Next one, Thomas King in the UK.

No one wanker.

Yeah, it's funny.

Do that poison.

It's very deadly.

Poison.

In your body.

It makes you do bad things.

Platinum Kush.

Devil's Lettuce.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is Thomas there?

Mr. Ging?

You need to remove this number, please.

Stop calling.

It's the middle of the night in the UK.

I need to talk to Mr. Ging.

It's important.

No, it's not.

Goodbye.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Let it be a bitch.

you need to remove this no it's not bye-bye call him back

the twilight colors fallen and the evening lay in the shadows hidden memories come stealing

from my mind it's been a good night so far should not have said that damn it

the simple joy of living and i wonder how i was that guy i was gay for a while then got a

I sent in a pile of bad numbers to Carlito and the milkman.

They make them all look like a bunch of fools.

You know, I really love Katie Gay.

I give him all my numbers in my backside first.

Katie Gay is the one for me.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Yeah, somebody is going to burn these numbers up before we get them from nooners.

I don't know.

You tell me.

Hello?

Thomas.

Hello, Thomas.

Gore.

I need to speak with Thomas Gore.

Who are you?

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

My name is Eddie Cross.

Do you realize what time it is?

What time is it?

Just hold on one minute.

Thank you.

Hi, my name is Eddie Cross.

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

Good evening.

How are you?

Were you sleeping well?

Hello?

He's like, you fucking bitch.

Apparently he was sleeping pretty good after all.

That was better, though.

That was better than the 30-second clunk.

Clunk.

Well, it looks like we're getting some incoming calls here.

Looks like we got some ads out there.

That's going to help out.

All right.

Oh, my.

I think we got some incoming calls.

Let me make sure we got our notifications set up so I don't miss them.

Is the ringer turned back on?

You got to turn the ringer on.

Yeah, because I think we just missed one here.

How do I do that, Milkman?

File?

Right.

You went in and enabled the ringing setting.

Preferences, you think, maybe?

I think so.

Incoming calls.

It says incoming calls.

Yeah, it's set to have a sound.

That one right there.

Yeah, something like that last time.

Yep, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I don't think, it's set up to incoming, but we don't have any ads placed.

I can't do it now, I'm on the air.

If anyone wants to help out, Dwight and Sloth and them, all them kids, all you out there, very good at getting them.

There's somebody out there in the vast militia of the Madhouse here, Prank Call Nation.

Yeah, give me a hand.

Want to get some quick gold stars in the Madhouse, you might post some numbers and get some call-ins.

I need help.

All right.

So the last number we called was Thomas King, if I believe.

So we're going to keep going on to another English wicker.

Milkman, these are from Lonesome, not from Noonoo now.

We're past the Lonesome ones.

The Noonoo ones.

Good.

Thank you.

That's why they're actually answering, man.

Excellent.

Thank you.

The numbers hit mine.

All fist held high.

We're singing a very negative song about Lonesome.

Michael Farton.

Here we go.

I got a tear in my beard, I got snot in my beard, milkman couldn't cry, it all hit the

fan, well, well, well, I know you're there, honey, you couldn't cry, marico, bicho, mariposa,

welcome to voicemail

you've reached BT1715

alright we got a number from Tabachi

for some kind of Royal

St. James Park

okay I'll try it

nice

I have no idea what that is

Royal St. James Park

What is it?

Can you tell me, Tamachi, before I dial it?

Is it like some kind of...

Is it a U.S. number first?

Huh?

Is it a U.S. number?

Uh, no.

It looks British.

I don't know.

Is it some kind of amusement park or something?

Buggered.

And they fucked him.

No buggery.

Oh, you liked it. You liked it. Eating bread and getting buggered.

Huh? You didn't hear that?

Fuck, dude. That's getting long, Jamaica, man. Buggery.

Oh, yeah.

All you mighty cums, man. Keep that in mind.

Enigma signing out. Going to sleep later. Enigma having a good night, motherfucker.

Enigma, be sure.

And what's up to the chat room? Everyone in there, yeah.

That was a quick hang-up.

God damn it.

Oh, my.

Hello?

Never mind.

You seem to have lost him there.

I heard a bunch of beeps and shit.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

What the fuck was all that, dude?

That was a tracer.

AT&T security.

Beep, beep.

He's emitting his tracer.

His Panasonic.

Yeah, that was emitting a tracing beam.

Hello? Hello? Is Michael there?

Michael? Hello? Michael? Help us.

Hello? Michael? Help us.

Hello?

Yes, Michael. Help us. Help us.

Please.

We need help.

Why?

I'm at number 118 Layfield down the street.

Please help us.

What?

I'm at number 118.

Beep, beep, beep, bop, boop.

I'm sorry, but the number you've reached is in service at this time.

If you'd like to leave a message, please press the beep after the tone.

Beep, beep, beep.

She's just picking up and dialing.

She's just picked up and dialing.

That's cool.

Star 69.

That was Star 69.

All right, here's another Michael.

Jerk them all.

His ex-wife died of stretch marks.

His ex-employer broke.

The theologians were finally found out.

Under the ground, the jailhouse burned down.

I'm sorry I couldn't catch your call.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, I'm glad you picked up.

The investigation should be credible, not only...

Can you turn that off, please, motherfucker?

Pardon?

Can you turn that down on the back, please? I need to talk to you.

Go on.

Okay, I'm calling from the Royal Water Machines.

You have a problem with the water in the area.

We're going to have to shut your water down.

Have you already used the loo and everything this morning?

What are you doing phoning up at 4 o'clock in the morning?

Because we have a water emergency, we have to shut your water down.

No, you don't.

Yes, we are.

We're shutting it down from the main grid, from the main street over here.

Whereabouts?

I'm in the main office here.

Where?

It's going to get shut down for the entirety of Liverpool.

Well, 98% of Liverpool, rather.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Why are you shutting it down?

Uh, there's been a problem.

There's been a break with the water and it's going to start coming through warm and black and dark with, uh, it's going to be super coming back through it.

So feces and stuff like toilet paper remnants and everything.

So what we're, we're calling people to warn them, um, to take your shower, use the loo now as soon as you can.

And, um, do you have containers you can fill with water for drinking for the day?

We want to fill those now before it starts getting black.

Okay, thank you very much indeed.

Can you please take a look in your loo, your toilet?

Can you flush it and tell me if it's running clear or has any particles in it yet?

And then I'll know if it's...

No, it's all right. I just used it.

Can you do it one more time just to make sure, please?

I need to note it down. How's it coming through?

No, I don't know what this call is.

I think it's a load of nonsense.

Listen, don't fuck with me.

This is important, motherfucker. Come on.

No, please help. Help us.

No, goodbye.

Help us, help us.

Put your hand in the toilet water, please.

Oh, you're talking stupid nonsense.

Drink out the toilet like a dog.

Oh, yeah.

Do it, do it.

No, you do it.

Oh, okay.

Goodbye.

Have a nice day.

Drink out of the toilet.

I had a big swig of toilet water just now.

What do you think?

Come on, drink toilet water with me.

It'll be fun.

Just to say we did it once, and that's it.

Don't talk stupid.

Goodbye.

It's refreshing.

Very refreshing.

The country, how wealthy it is, and, of course, the needs of its people.

Trump has not again on the variety.

I got to hear a little BBC there.

He switches back on the BBC.

He wants to make sure and find out if there's actually going to be a water shortage there in his area.

That's what he was doing.

He's confirming it.

I'll have to check just in case.

Just in case it happens.

Crazy hermano bastard took off me this morning.

The song is good.

All right, we got another one from Nunu.

The hotel from the crackers in the bed.

Oh, remember that prank?

Room 112?

Yeah.

Crackers in the bed.

Played that last week on the break.

Oh, okay.

Maybe you don't remember.

Maybe you don't.

I remember hearing part of it.

I was making something to eat.

Then I got cut off afterwards.

I remember.

Love my hair.

The bead in hair receipt.

Take a ride on there, honey.

I'm not getting an answer here.

God damn it, Nunu.

Even though it's tough to pick up.

Don't step, saddle on your ass and ride you like a bronco, too.

I thought for sure that was going to break the streak from Nunu, and it didn't.

Even they didn't pick up.

Ay-yi-yi, Nuners.

Seriously, Nuners, come on, man.

I'm even jacked you in the jaw, and you're still weak numbers.

This is another Michael from Lonesome, but I think they left their phone off the hook.

For their confirmation.

Yeah, they did.

Bastards.

Yeah.

All right, Robert Berger.

Give her some alcohol.

Robert Berger.

I want to forget your name now.

Drink the gallon, chug a gin.

Forget your name.

I'm dead.

I drink gas.

Fuck.

Hello?

Robert?

Robert Robert is that Robert yeah oh good I'm calling from the Royal Water Service we have an

issue with the water service in the entirety of Liverpool it's going to affect 75 of the

residents you're affected in that area we like to recommend that if you can to use your bathroom

now the loo the toilet take a shower now while the water is still safe to use before it becomes

becomes brackish, and also, if you have any containers, fill them with water.

Can you please flush your loo and tell me if it's coming through with particles in it

or if it's still clear for our records here?

We're trying to contain the flow of the shit.

We got a turkey club stuck in the system there.

It showed up on our monitor screen.

You're crazy, man.

Half a turkey sub, no offense. Get it right.

That's right, half a turkey sub.

Dude, that goes back to the Zolar days.

Hey, that's how fucking fun that gets.

Oh, shit.

That was his old art call.

Yeah, you're right.

Tabachi says, regarding his number, St. James is a park in London.

They have a 24-7 call center for a wanker.

Whatever.

I'll call it.

Okay.

Yeah, baby.

It's Milkman's.

I mean, this is Matt's song about his wheelchair.

We're sorry.

Tabachi, that's your number, Tabachi.

You're not working.

Stupid waste of time, Tabachi.

All right.

That twang at the end of that song.

You hear that?

yeah it was pretty pretty snappy all right we got a uh number in guam

is it living debbie doe

my name is you're a dirty malacca gotta take the bar said the facts it's like a fax a bird's

skeleton oh boy he said pull on my finger and guess what you'll hear a little bird singing

out my backside going to toot toot don't miss i'm looking for george decay i know we've called

him here before on the show i hope he he answered he's answered for me in the past hopefully if he

can find his number maybe he'll answer i hope he knows about spock yeah because i remember we talked

to him before we even talked to gilligan before no we never talked to gilligan yes we did john

denver no no no no john denver was a singer gilligan is the other denver bob denver they

weren't the same person john denver was a singer we talked to gilligan bob denver i don't think we

we talked to mr mcfeely remember him from from mr rogers neighborhood talk to him oh yeah okay

yeah we've talked about roy wood jr we talked to a bunch of famous people man

It was one dude who got killed all the time

The Indian guy, Sonny somebody

Sonny

Hi today, thanks for calling Pop Johnson

This is Lisa, would you like to share our specials?

Yeah, hi, my name is Mangalow

I'm sorry? My name is Mangalow

Would you like to share our specials? Yeah

Okay, if you get an extra life

Hey, excuse me, are you okay?

I'm sorry? I need to use the bathroom

Can you keep telling me while I'm in the bathroom?

Is that okay? You don't feel awkward?

Sure

Okay, hang on.

All right.

Thank you.

I really needed this.

Okay.

So if you get the next...

I'm sorry?

Can you hear me okay?

Okay.

If you choose a large buffalo chicken or spinach alfredo delight or zesty jalapeno

meat at regular price, which is $27.99, you get a medium one-topping pizza for free.

Get any three medium specialty pizzas for $12 each, or you can get a large John's favorite

for $18.99.

See this?

Wanna see it?

See this?

Hello?

You want to see this?

All right, I'm down in the back.

I was asking if you wanted to see it.

Hello?

No, thank you, sir.

Is this for pickup or delivery?

For pickup.

Hey, do you know where we're located here in Dededo?

How close are you to the base, motherfucker?

Don't, don't.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Hello, honey baby.

Habibi.

Hello, Habibi.

What base are you at, sir?

Huh?

The main base.

Which base?

Marine Corps base.

There's no such thing.

There's a Marine Corps base, a Navy base.

Stupid.

So you're at Naval Station?

Yeah, Naval Station horse.

I'm a camp horse at the Naval Station.

I'm sorry?

I'm in Camp Horse at the Naval Station.

So you're not close to dead enough at all?

Well, I mean, I can be.

Oh, yeah, I can.

You know, if you want that.

You want to see the sexual organs, I can be there for you.

Is that what you want?

Is that what you're saying to me?

Hello?

I'm sorry?

Did you say you want to see my sexual organs then?

You want me to come by?

No, sir, I did not.

Okay, well, did you...

And I don't appreciate you calling here and calling me here at Papa John's.

You actually are, sir.

You're being really rude.

No.

Come on, please.

You need to take my order.

You have to take my order.

I command you.

Well, you're nowhere near here in San Diego.

I command you.

As an officer of the U.S. military, you have to do what I say.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Fuckers.

She was pissing me off, Milkman.

You're not very cooperative at all.

They got the Delmonico kitchen and bar machine.

In Guam, it's called.

I'm going to break my cage and take shit.

That sounds good.

While you're at it

You're breaking the matter away

I'm gonna take a big shit

In the cage

Sit here and sleep next to it

It's gonna be warm

It's gonna be nice

In my rusty cage

Fuck

I'm gonna king out a cup

He's talking about

One of those cock cages

You're calling Delmonico?

Yeah, hi

I have one of those cock cages

That Mistress Morgan talks about

They put my penis in a cage

And I can't use it

Until they unlock it with a key

Hello?

Yeah, let's make an order

We're actually closed until 5.30.

You fucking little twat.

Can I make a reservation?

One moment, please.

Call me a twat.

Hello.

Hello, thanks for waiting.

Yeah, I'd like to make a reservation.

But are these island people that live here,

like dirty people from the island, like the races?

What do you mean, sir?

Dirty native people here kind of place?

I don't really understand you.

I only go to places that are American-owned and have Americans working, you know, slant eyes.

Oh, these are the restaurants you're looking for, sir.

Oh, do you have darker skin and stuff like that?

No, we don't have.

Oh, okay. Can I make a reservation then?

For when, sir?

For today.

What time?

7 p.m.

For how many persons?

For two.

Can I get your first and last name, sir?

Yes, my name is Akulo.

How do you say that?

A-C-U-L-A.

And last name?

Negro, N-E-G-R-O.

Can I get your contact number?

Yeah, it's 180-2015.

Just so that you know, we only hold a reservation for 30 minutes, sir.

If there's any changes or comment, just give us a call.

You only hold them for 30 minutes?

Yes.

Okay, do you have any snakes there?

No, we don't.

All right, so I'll go ahead and tell you what I want.

I want a steak.

Okay.

I want to have a steak, medium well.

We have a fourth selection of steaks, sir.

Yeah, so put me down. I want to reserve a steak. I want to reserve a steak.

Yeah, we have a ribeye, New York flank steak, and a porterhouse.

All right. Put me down. I'm telling you, take the order. One ribeye.

Okay.

I expect it to be ready when I get there, okay?

All right, sir. Sure.

All right, so one ribeye with extra juice.

And my wife is going to have the taco salad.

Yes, sir.

And the wife is going to have a taco salad.

Oh, we don't have taco salad, sir.

What kind of salad do you have?

We have Caesar, Mongolian.

Mongolian?

What's in that?

Is that stupid, dirty Mongolian people food?

I don't know, sir.

Stupid Asian people food?

Huh?

Oil.

What about oil?

Can I get oil?

Hello, sir?

Yeah, I'd like to make an order for oil.

I think you should just look at the menu when you come.

Ah, shove it up your ass.

Don't talk to me like that.

Do you have peck peck?

Motherfucker.

Tell me what to do.

Fuck you and your ass.

Fuck him, Milkman.

Fuck him anyway.

Anyway, any decent restaurant has Peck Peck.

We all know that.

Come on.

This is chicken.

That's what they call chicken.

Peck Peck, Peck Peck.

Alley chicken.

Break off the cock cage.

Yeah, busting.

I got my penis cracked and clocked into a door.

Here's the hotel

Where we just called

The restaurant is located in this hotel

Yeah, hi

I'll have to make a reservation

Oh, okay

I'll give you the number

Oh, wait a minute

Wait, wait, wait

Motherfucker, you

Is this owned by island

Dirty island people

Or is it American owned?

I'm Serge. I'm Serge. What's that again?

Are you Asian?

Yes, sir.

Ugh, that's disgusting.

What kind of people clean the rooms?

What kind of what?

What kind of people clean rooms?

They're local.

Are they Asians?

No, they're local. They're from Guam.

Oh, that's disgusting people.

And who's this speaking with, sir?

My name's Eddie. I'm at the base.

Yeah, I'm at the base.

I'm not allowed to masturbate here at the base,

so i'm gonna get a room so i can masturbate a few times um and then i hear you have a

delmonico kitchen to have an excellent uh mongolian salad there huh i hear oh yeah

did you know what you're talking about sir what i'm talking about yeah i need to

make a reservation i'm getting information so i can talk about getting a reservation

um at your hotel i'm gonna stay there just so i can masturbate because it's something i can't do

at the naval base that i'm stationed at so i want some privacy in the room to masturbate with music

and pornography playing.

Do you have a pay-per-view?

For that, I can

transfer you to my manager.

Okay, because you sound really gay, too,

you know? And I don't like that.

I don't like that. Okay, chicken?

Coffee? Yeah.

I was wanting to stay there,

but first of all, the

people that clean the guest rooms,

are they, like, native,

like, Guam people?

They're, like, Filipina,

locals and micronesians oh that's disgusting why what happened all those countries they're

disgusting people you know why what's wrong well because i don't want them to come like the

housekeeping yeah like they come in to fix the room and they spit on the floor you know they

don't wash their hands you know they're disgusting they're they spit on the floor

yeah and they're different races so they're like not white they're like disgusting people you know

beneath me um are you staying here at this hotel well i want to i want to but you know how those

people have a smell uh-huh that's what i'm worried about the asian like the housekeeping the smell of

asian people you know how asian people have that smell and the and the way they look with their

eyes different it really scares me too like it makes me throw up well it's up to you if you're

not comfortable with our stuff then then it's up to you if you want to stay here or not do you have

a nice white room with like american white people that maintain it no i'm sorry there's no american

people that works for housekeeping here well you're really um you should look into that you

should look into that you know because you're losing a customer i should bring it up to the

management yeah because you know you need good white people good white people like you and me

you know to um keep the place clean and all that you know well we're trying our best to maintain

in our building but like i said if you have problem with your you know choosy with the people

then i guess this is not the hotel for you well i mean people like that they make good nurses and

nursing homes and stuff like that but or they you know they can do a good restaurant you know where

they can cook the food you know but that's about it you know that's about it okay i'll bring that

up to the management thank you all right honey all right thank you take care bye and they make

good bedpan changers.

That was so ignorant.

Hey,

what did I tell you about

doing your daps

and the blowtorch on there?

I did it.

All the time,

not the whole time.

Oh, man.

You just want us to be

all buzzed.

You want us to be

all buzzed.

Like, oh, man,

he's doing drugs.

That's so...

Dude, I almost

blew my face up, dude.

I almost blew my face up.

You gotta be careful

with that, man.

Man, those things are dangerous.

I know, man.

How in the hell can I burn my face off?

People are dying because of those blowtorches and those drugs that you're doing.

Explode.

Oh, I do that, too.

I want to try it, man.

It sounds so cool.

Milkman, you could have, like, two marijuana joints, and you could wake up, not even know what you did.

You killed somebody.

You could wake up in the jail and everything and not even know what happened.

Is that what you want?

You want to take that chance?

Yeah, I want to try that tonight, dude.

I want to see where I wake up tomorrow, man.

Will I be in San Francisco?

go you can get hooked at the first try with marijuana the first that's probably what happened

to you dude i'm gonna try that shit it sounds good you could just do it once and you're hooked

all right dude i got this butt i've been saving forever it's called granddaddy purple oh that's

your favorite right yeah i've been saving it for a fucking month dude that's it before all this

shit ever happened i've been saving a bunch of this shit yeah i'm getting ready to check i'm

I'm going to knock a hunk out of the side of this nuggy.

And this is definitely, you're welcome to be the first one to honor us with this.

How's the Edibles market there where you are?

What's new?

Dude, we get the best, man.

What are you talking about, man?

We get, like, the best.

And you're, like, one hit brownies, man.

One brownie will serve, like, four people.

Damn.

Really?

Four?

Yeah.

That's my Edibles, dude.

Like, you know, like, if I was going to, definitely, there's definitely good stuff here.

They got like these like quadruple strength

They got

They've got like

Candies now

And they prescribe it like medicine

Yeah it's all medicine

It's all medication dude

That's all we have out here

In this state is medical

We don't have recreational shit

It's only medical

They hear about Alaska though

Yeah they completely

Took it off prohibition man

Yeah man

Yeah, they're going all out with that shit now.

Well, D.C. is also now D.C. okay, except for the federal areas.

D.C.'s been taking its time with approving it, though, man.

Yeah, but they have.

You're not allowed to do it in federal areas is the stipulation,

but you're allowed to in D.C. now.

They deregulated it.

Our secret YouTube, our secret.

All right.

You guys should be watching YouTube or Tiny Chat if you're just in the chat room, man.

You get the full experience.

all right go check out the youtube feed man the hermanito is on their live video feed of the

hermanino without pants is the youtube even working it looks frozen on it see front of

money stop telling people i have pants i didn't say that i said so it's all in the chat room dude

i don't know i can't deliver on that and it puts a lot of pressure on me when people are well the

The problem is this.

The camera doesn't point at your pants,

so who in the hell is going to know the fucking difference?

Listen, we're going to have to take a break

because I need to get something to eat myself.

Myself is going to get something to eat.

When we come back, we've got more numbers from Lonesome Loser.

Maybe we have some ads placed.

I don't know.

We'll have to find out from Mr. Dwight, Mr. Dwidget.

Lonesome has sent in some Circle Ks,

a Kmart that's still open in Guam right now.

It's actually kind of early there.

It's in the early afternoon, I believe.

Fish and Burger Grill.

Wow, they put the fish first in that one.

Burger Urge in Australia.

What?

Burger Urge.

Milkman, you got the Urge, the Splurge.

Yeah, the Spooge.

Come on, that burger, before you eat it, motherfucker.

Milkman will be here.

We might have some other people in a little bit.

We got more numbers.

We got a few more of those loan calls.

They were pretty good.

We got a few more I can do, even though it's late.

Fuck it, we'll do it.

Whatever.

I do what I want.

And more and more.

Even Dwight sent in numbers.

Woo-hoo!

Be right back.

Thank you.

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

all righty we are back thanks everyone who stuck in through the break i am carlita the host of this

show we call madhouse radio and we are running on uh five cylinders right now almost up to v6

engine oh yes yes yes yes all right oil look at that oil oil oil we got a few contenders for

title of the show that's at the end of the show that's a new tradition here really helps me save

a step in the editing process is coming up with the title i thought i could share that with the

listeners who are nice enough to join us live here every week which you can if you're listening to

this on the podcast or some other type of recorded basis don't forget we do this live

broadcasted every week and then it gets edited down for time and content sometimes but regardless

you can always go on a sunday night at 10 p.m eastern 7 pacific go to madhouse live.com or

prank call nation.com tune in there to the show i go on live prank call nation.com has shows

we're up to like multiple shows and i do uh milkman i don't know if you've been paying attention

we're doing we're doing awesome man so much fun so much good prank calls going on at prank call

nation i'm so happy man we're so strong after almost a year we're getting there i think when

when do we start pcn around april march maybe i'm not sure you weren't around but hey you're there

milkman milkman's calls dropping you see right from right and you know right when i'm getting

ready to start adding people on it's not i haven't added anyone yet though so yeah i'm going to be

adding some people here in a moment i got a few looks like baz and jagger out there i was talking

with uh good old dwidget earlier better no neons around too okay milkman oh he's still now he

dropped all together all right let me build a conference real quick let's listen to this

oh yeah dwidget yeah dwidget what's up jag yeah what's up boys i totally stopped doing that

remember that was that was a big craze for a few days yeah i can't oh i hear static

attic yeah oh oh yeah someone's hissing i think carlito fell in a hole yeah it's not me i'm not

hissing sounds like it sounds like a jag to me or maybe you fall down the well carlito no dwight

you there yep who's hit now it's gone now it's me it was me i knew it was a jag hiss i wasn't

gonna say it wasn't me yeah now it's gone yeah anyway uh talking about shit to do while we're

doing the show i got a youtube streaming going on uh you you is it called youtube yeah madhouse

radio on youtube wow man am i high and tinychat.com such prank call nation yeah right with you right

now is jag as i said already uh neon's here hey neon yeah oh fuck yeah

Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

Baz is here.

Baz, yeah.

Hey.

Honk, honk.

Dwight is here.

Hey, Dwight.

Honk, honk, honk.

Evening, bitches.

Hey, man.

What's up?

You sent a few numbers, right, Dwightish?

Yeah, I put some ads out, too.

We'll see if we get any bites on those.

Okay, okay.

I had a plan.

All right.

I was especially happy that Lonesome showed up tonight because he's been able to get

george takai's uh phone number in the past uh sulu so i have an idea since leonard nimoy died

and i don't want to give it out i'll tell you i'll say the idea at the end of the show

if he doesn't uh if we can't find his new number milkman hey milkman

hi milkman that was mom yeah hello hello hello hey best do you hey mom told me to tell everybody

bye she's she's doing good how's she doing by the way i know she had some health issues not

long ago she's doing all right yeah she's doing better now she's getting a lot better

amen and she called yeah she called check in with me she's getting ready to go to bed she's

doing good and she said for me to tell everybody prank call nation all my friends madhouse

everybody she said also thank you from her for all the help everybody gave me and i want to

thank you so thank you everybody tell tell milk mom we all say hi milk mom yeah

is she is she really like i'm not trying to be offensive but she's she looks like a mama son

right does she i'm not trying to be offensive you know what i'm saying you call her mama son

don't you sometimes it's like lovingly no i don't call her mama son i thought you did no

yeah you do no no no i got no i get i get a different nickname for her but anyways

No one knows my real nickname for her.

Sexy, sexy.

No, she is.

She is.

She's very attractive for an old lady, you know.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my mom.

She actually looks very much younger than her age.

You're saying it because it is your mom.

Yeah, of course.

But she is my mom.

There's nothing I can do but admire.

No.

Oh, God.

We love our moms.

Come on, everyone, you know.

Of course.

There's a different relationship between.

but the sons and mothers and daughters yeah well isn't it a thing like for boys like they're

according to freud who everyone says is a fraud now right isn't he a fraud i come to realize that

now because like my sister and i and how my relationship between my mother and i and other

people i've talked to i think there's a different relation especially in modern times because you

know the way um daughters and and mothers kind of get in confrontation and it seems like you know

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

It's just to react to that, at least in my family.

Yeah, Freud's theory.

What's up?

Carly, you're thinking of, like, the Oedipus effect?

Well.

Where it's like, because Freud said, like, basically, it kind of sounds dirty, but it's like, if there's a hole, there's something there to fill it.

so there's a reason why daughters are closer to their fathers yeah and sons are closer to the

mothers yeah because Freud was fucked up so yeah that's about right but that's the period where

like the a son is like jealous of the father right and yeah yeah and and the and the daughter

pushes the mother away all right so why is there a push now to call Freud a fraud why what's the

whole Sigmund Freud Sigmund Freud everyone says because because I think it's um I don't know

from what i had heard was that like he basically says like you're conditioned you will you will

follow these like um patterns of psychology like um you know like kids when they're younger like

they're they're born then you know there's time to obviously grow and it's like when they get to

the toddler stage it's like you're you're unknowing and naive as a child and it's like the cycles go

all the way back around like you know grown up it's sort of like an anal stage where like the

child's into their anus and then yeah it's like from five to six yeah they're like exploring

themselves and that's when they like find out that they're different from girl like boys are

different from girls and Oedipus was like how come it lasted till like 19 to 25 for KDK

I don't know he was a late bloomer I think anyway I was just curious there if you'd ever heard of

of an anomaly like that okay he's got some weird stories about his sister dyking out with another

girl in a house so he was nice all right let's do some prank calls we got robert creaser who

is setting up a list of who requires plowing yeah tomorrow uh we called this guy if you start

mentioning his mother he gets very upset oh yes i remember this okay all right cool cool

let's do it one of you guys do it i've been doing pranks all night i'll take a break

Carlito

Just got here

That's how it is man

Snappy snap snap

I can't snap well anymore

Jesus

Best number

Hello

You set up

To do the plowings

Yeah I'm doing plowing

Okay I need the plowings

Where's the plowing

You know where

Fizzy Mains

Where's that

It's right next to your mother's house

Where I fuck her

In the rear

Mother's ass.

Oh, damn.

I want to do some plowings.

Oh.

Oh, goddamn, Basington.

A lord should not speak that way.

Yeah.

A gentleman does not speak that way.

Hey.

I talk the way I want to talk.

An automatic voice messaging system.

Do you think you're sharpening a pencil?

Milkman's smoking drugs.

Oh, no, me.

I got a space heater here right next to me.

I just turned it off.

I know.

I turned mine off, too, because I didn't know if it was me.

Is it that cold out there in Pacific Northwest?

Yeah it's been cold the last

It's been clear so it gets cold at night

You pussies come on out to the east coast

We'll learn you a thing or two

Yeah it's like 40 degrees here

Fucking jeez

I'd fucking kill for fucking 40

It's like 10 degrees out right now

Yeah it's in the 20s here

Fuck you

I'm trolling you guys

That's hilarious

That's like cold that you get

When you're so fucking cold

You have to lay next to somebody

In order to warm up

40 degrees, I'm walking around in fucking shorts.

It's got it all hanging out.

Oh, my God.

Naked.

Oh, no, that's not laying down, though.

That's just...

I had to work outside when it was in the negatives.

That was fun.

Couldn't be out there for more than five minutes.

What's with the bear skin?

Does this feel good on the naked body?

I'm just going to wear a bear skin.

I'm going to wear one of them.

Sort of a fireplace, you know?

Oh, shit, yeah.

Walk around with one around you in public like some weird fucking Skyrim king or a Jarl.

I have a bearskin rug

that I walk around in

are we gonna call that guy back

yeah I get people on here

and that was the big YouTube

did you guys see your YouTube complaints last week

no what'd they say

they said Neon ruins the show

they said Dwight ruins the show

what'd they say about me

I don't think there were any Jag comments

they didn't care about you

better to be talked about than not at all

that's awesome because I wasn't even here

last week oh that's right we didn't miss you there have been oh shit i'm just kidding i'm kidding

ken there have been complaints about dwight too and then there was of course the big milkman

versus matt war which like was totally unwarranted that was so funny there's a whole team milkman

thing on youtube youtube man milkman you gotta get him on youtube man i'm

telling you you know oh i forgot about this

number i gotta pass it to you here and milkman you know what i was thinking you should really

invest um and i'm thinking i'm gonna do the same thing but after what happened to you i'm thinking

about getting a fucking uh a cam for the car you know one that records uh inside and front um just

because people be trying to scam on insurance and shit and doing shit that and fucking cops man you

know fucking cops pulling you over and shit putting their baton up dude they've got this like i don't

know if it's go cam or who makes them now but i know they got some kind of cam that people were

using i i saw yeah there's a few i saw them at kmart the other day they put them on they put

Well, you can put them on your mirror, you know, record front and back.

And you've even got the little TV screen to go with it.

Now, do you know, I mean, I'm not saying that you know about them, but I wonder if, like, it turns itself automatically.

Do I have to worry?

Is it going to be a big wire heading down to my cigarette lighter?

I'm sure it's going to go to the, probably to the cigarette lighter, probably, the 12-volt.

You've got to turn it on yourself if you get a cheaper kind.

Well, no. I mean, if you're going to keep it there for a long time, you could always hardwire that shit in to where when you turn the ignition on, it automatically powers up.

See, I'm going to take it to a good place that'll do that.

You know, get a nice one and an SD card one, and yeah, totally front and rear.

Yeah, man. Totally.

Yeah, I just recently got a drop cam for the house. I dig it.

Those are pretty cheap, right? Easy to maintain, right?

Yeah, yeah. I just want to make sure that the kids come home from school by themselves now.

so I can just, you know, pull out my phone

and just make sure that everybody got home okay.

That's good. That's peace of mind, man.

Yeah. Can you talk to them? Can you yell at them?

Yeah. Do your fucking homework.

So I've done it several times.

Watch your girlfriend doing

their mother's homework. They hate it.

It probably scares them, like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, just invest

in one of those Roybods, you know, the one that runs

on 4Loco and shit. It'll follow your kids.

Yeah, it makes the noises from the Jetsons.

yeah all right here's the next one jeffrey byron davis who's i'm says well i'm selling my 2000 xj

sport what's that a gun uh i think it's a car some type of chevy i believe but just looking at

his picture he looks like he would get pissed off really easy delicious and apologies apologies

youtube something wrong with the resolution of the broadcast is making it so the chat is really

blurry uh it's always something you know what's he selling delicious i don't know what to say

a car hello hello yeah you're selling your 2000 x are you fucking me hello yeah hello yeah you're

selling a 2000 xj sport uh yes sir i'm gonna put big neon on she was interested in it hey man how's

it going hold on a second what's up hey um so you're selling that 2000 xj sport the jeep yeah

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, cool.

How many miles are on it?

I actually just bought a new motor in 2013 from Napa Auto Parts.

My grandpa works there, so I got it for a pretty good discount.

Oh, okay, cool.

So how many miles were on it before you changed it out?

Before I changed it out, I think it was right around, like, 70, I think.

Okay, that's cool.

Okay, cool.

Did you ever do anything, like, cool in this Jeep?

Did I do what?

Did you do anything cool in it?

like you know like run from the cops or something no definitely not oh really oh um did you ever

like bang any chicks in it like for real what what a home i don't know really i'll bang the dudes

what kind of guy wouldn't be like you know i would be like hell yeah

fuck yeah i know any guy would be like yeah yeah yeah except me because i'd say no

because a hole's a hole jack's all please don't let him answer

your call has been forwarded

literally a homo

oh yeah

in the regular chat here

there's a guy that we called yesterday

and without missing a beat

we called him three times and he goes on

insane fucking rants

and I mean he will

I don't know if he's trying to kill you through the phone

or what he's doing

he'll go on for a good 30 seconds

just flip it out

you gotta spoof a Hawaii number

number though okay 10-4 so let me get an 808 going here crazy hawaiian okay you do i don't

remember this for some reason i didn't hear much of last night's shows unless i was on the calls

or the conferences because i was having a well i told you that my server crashed and it's actually

a miracle that i was able to get everything just about right here uh working out this is like my

home server i actually have a server here at home that i run there's one window server on it that

That hard drive crashed and I decided, well, if I'm going to do something new, I'm going

to do Ubuntu server.

Fuck it.

I enjoyed your explanation on what happened.

Oh, well, you know me.

What did happen?

Yeah.

That's what happened.

It kept crashing.

Oh, I thought there was like an explanation we weren't getting.

Like there was like a secret explanation.

That was funny.

And I'm like, oh, no, he was just telling a wild story.

He's like, oh, yeah, I got an invite from an Ontario couple if I was in town to come

watch them fuck.

and then all of a sudden my server crashed.

Oh, shit.

I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And I said, exactly.

Jag knows all about it.

Jag, do you ever get weird messages from me?

Sometimes.

I've got a cracker in my mouth.

I'm sorry.

Cracker?

That's gross.

No way, man.

Who's Saturn are you on?

What did he?

Oh, shit.

I've got a neon.

Don't you?

That was a good one.

All right, don't you?

I'm going to buzz up Baz over here.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Sir?

Sir, hello? Hello, please?

Is anyone there? Please?

Aw.

That cracker's now being

digested, so we're fine.

What do you got? Ritz?

Uh, club crackers.

Club's good. Yeah, they're pretty good.

They're like 80 years old, yeah.

I like a Triscuit.

Yeah? A little too grainy.

Now, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins are great.

Triscuits are good for your shit.

Carlita, Rice Thins.

rice thins? Oh, Neon's right. Those are good.

Yeah, they are. They have fucking bomb. Rice thins?

Really? Yes, they're brand new.

They never give you enough in the box, but they're good.

They look like communion wafers.

Oh, yeah? The sour cream and chive ones

are pretty good. Just even the regular ones are good.

Are they from Nabisco or someone else?

Yeah, it's the same people who do wheat thins.

They just started doing rice thins.

Huh. Is it baked rice or

what do they got going on? They're baked,

I think. Right, Dwight? Yeah, I'd say

they're baked. They're thin, but they're

good.

My thing, I buy Munster cheese.

I put a little piece of Munster cheese in

between, like I make a Wheaton sandwich with

Munster cheese, right? And I make a

plate of those, maybe like, you know,

six or seven, and I put it in the microwave for like

15 seconds. Nice. That would be good, yes.

The cheese is perfectly melted, and

it's just a little toasty. Nice.

Thanks. I like the Triscuits with

sharp smoked cheddar.

Smoked cheddar?

Yeah, then you do the same. You melt

them in the microwave. I want to

try the Ritz. They got the Ritz bacon

Ritz now. Oh yeah, those are good.

I want to see if they're any good. I bet they'd be really

excellent with chili and shit. Just have that

bacon flavor in there. That's a good idea.

Oil. Oil?

Or just oil? Just oil.

They call it bacon oil now.

He just eats like a thing of butter. You're like, gross.

Fucking Jags. Jags just

coating his Ritz.

He's just coating his crackers

in like fucking extra virgin

olive oil and shit and eating them. That's fucking

Hey man, once in my life

I bought a box of regular Cheez-Its

and I ate them with

I kept putting that cheese in a can

stuff, whatever it is.

Oh, Cheez Whiz?

Well, whatever comes out with the nozzle.

The squeeze cheese, whatever it is.

Squeeze it.

Yeah, I was making little sandwiches.

It was like cheese on Cheez-Its.

It was fun, but man, that's probably not good.

That was young.

Oh man.

That was when I was first experimenting with marijuana.

i love cheez-its but only original cheez-its i don't want any jalapeno i don't want no way

don't no white cheddar no nothing i just want fucking cheez-its do you like the party mix

no cheez-its no no no i'm just saying like once in a while do you like the party mix

don't you like those little cheese balls i get tired of those pretzels anything with pretzels

Yeah, they give you too many pretzels.

You're totally right on, dude.

They're like peanuts and mixed nuts.

Those fucking pretzels and these mixes like that.

Fuck it.

Yeah.

Keep them out.

I want pretzel-free party mixes.

Or like when you get trail mix, they give you too many fucking raisins.

They give you too many mixed, not enough trail.

Yes.

And you're like, dude, I really wanted some more M&Ms.

What the hell?

I mean, if you're going to eat pretzels, you should eat real Bavarian pretzels.

They're better.

Those are soft ones.

Sourdough.

Yeah.

Oh, I like sourdough pretzels.

All right, listen.

Come on.

You guys are high.

Let's do it.

Bunch of foodies over here, I know.

I know.

Mariah Marie.

Oh, we got a lot more Lonesome Loser numbers, too.

Don't forget that.

But hey, we got Mariah.

In the old days, you know, listening to all those old Madhouse shows, you always used

to, you know, spend like 10 minutes or so talking about food.

Yeah, every episode invariably.

Yeah, so it's like a tradition.

Yeah, it is.

You're doing a zipper dance, yeah.

Yay.

Zipper dance.

All right, what's Marie again?

Don't get your penis caught in there.

That would be nice.

I don't have a penis.

Is it the beans or the Frank?

Frank the beans.

These are bros for sale.

Ugh.

We're sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

There's an excellent hotel number you'll get to eventually, too.

Eventually.

Down in Hampton, Georgia.

Let you dial right in.

I think we called five or six of their rooms last night.

Nice.

You gotta love it, man.

You gotta love open phone systems.

Mr. Llama.

Llama passed that on to me.

He said there was a big race down there, so the rooms were packed.

Like a NASCAR race.

That's fucked up.

DarkStrange just said Nunu's 500 pounds.

Damn.

Breaking news, everybody.

Someone find out what it is in stones.

I don't even understand that system.

That's, yeah, I don't get it either.

But all our other measurements are retarded compared to the metric system that they're using, so.

I'll give them that on their way.

Yeah, they can have their stones.

35.71 stones.

They're like putting stones in a bucket or something

Okay, Nunu is flashing

And he says, this is Prank

Food show, in all caps

He's mad because he's gonna go on a binge

Right now

Right there's the name of the show

Pranks and Beans

Pranks and Beans? We'll see

Beans, love you

Pranks and Beaners

Trevor Dennis

Says I have a Bakal

Russian Makarov

In a 9mm macro

Okay, it's got a gun

Got it?

Alright

Hey, does Yuri want to buy a Russian gun?

Yuri always wants a fucking gun

But he has no need to use it

Because he is the most complete fighter in the world

Tell him you opened your beers with your AK-47

Tell him your thing's called the Kremlin

All that stuff

What the hell, wait a minute

What's he complaining about?

This song, it sounds like my life here

Hang on, let's listen to this

Sounds like he even bid somebody at the general store and she fucking ran off.

Took all my money and wasted it on shit.

Good news, Tom.

Let's hear this.

Me, nine, cat.

Yeah, that's Davi, all right.

All right, let's keep going here.

Another prank call.

What's next?

I don't know.

Let me look at the list.

Scott, who says he's going to fly at United, but called.

Twitter complainer.

All right.

What?

I was going to fly United, but called asking for assistance with a special request and

And was told what you see on your screen is what you see.

Okay.

All right.

He didn't like that, apparently.

All right, so here I go.

Ready to mess with another United Airlines customer.

Why should we get banned from the airline?

That would suck.

Because they're the only one that does a direct flight out of here to PR.

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

He's gay.

Jag knows, for sure.

First hand.

Oh, yeah.

I know what I experienced.

Oh.

Top or bottom?

All of the above.

Oh, my God.

Sideways?

Okay.

Diagonal.

It's just a hole.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

This is Edward.

I'm calling from United Airlines.

I saw that you had an issue with a customer service call, sir.

Is that correct?

Hello?

Hello, sir.

I think he just fell back asleep.

Calm back.

I am.

All right.

I am doing it.

I was going to God.

Oh.

Give me $10 for 10 cents.

People are pissed at United tonight.

That's not an overnight thing.

Probably.

They were mad as fuck at Comcast last night.

Oh, no.

Somebody was like, the reason they have bad customer service is because they hired uneducated black bitches.

And I was like, what the fuck?

I heard you saying that last night, yeah, on your show.

Someone had posted that.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

And he tweeted it right at Comcast, so he wanted them to see it.

Shit.

Ignorant, man.

They just all want attention.

That's what everybody wants.

They just want attention.

attention hey dwight did you post the number for this lady erna she's like tweeted her twitter's

floating with complaints over united um she's going off i don't i don't know if i did or not

it's been a couple hours ago that she says that uh i got squeezed into a tiny coach seat like

being into the crushed in the arms of odar whoever that is then they like heated the airplane with

the fire of the god of light i long for winter to come what the fuck what she's like i gotta

hear her let's call we should call her yeah we should post that in here if dwight if you didn't

get to it uh i'm looking my next one here is the century link lady who's complaining that her bill

is always late she just received it the fastest ever 12 days after it was dated yeah i think she's

uh she better pay it she's behind in her bill and we're gonna shut the shit off tomorrow uh youtube

YouTube, I was not picking my nose.

It kind of looked like I was just doing this here.

Yeah, right.

I like to scratch my nose upside down, like, sometimes.

Everyone picks their nose.

Stop complaining about it, motherfuckers.

Yeah, but not on camera.

Oh, shit, am I the only one?

I do analingus on the top of my head.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

I'm getting it right now, so.

You have a toilet seat chair?

Freaky shit, man.

Okay, Clive, you're done.

Is that your cat?

Yeah.

What's his problem?

Oh, he's done.

He's done.

Oh, ew, I get it now.

Ew.

Poop.

He's got sandpaper tongues.

That would hurt.

All right, here's the next one.

Is he covering it up in the litter pan now?

Rib for the pleasures.

Oh, is this Zing Wang?

Zing Wang.

Z-Hang Wang.

Oh, yeah.

I put a bunch of, like, really odd-named restaurant numbers in there, too.

Hello?

Hello, is that Mr. Huang?

Mr. Wang?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from Comcast.

Is this Mr. Z-Hang Wang?

Yes.

Yes, I'm calling to do a survey regarding your Comcast care service.

You'll get a $50 reduction in your bill in your next cycle.

Okay.

Okay, excellent.

Just to let you know that your call may be recorded and monitored.

You'll receive a $50 credit dated today, and it will apply to your next billing statement.

All right.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest,

how was your general experience with Comcast in your previous call?

I think 9.

It was 9.

It was good?

Yes.

Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 lowest, 10 highest,

how would you rate the acceptability of the hold time?

You mean the hold time?

How long you had to hold?

For yesterday, I had to wait for 1 hour, 1 and a half hour.

Oh, that's pretty good. That's a pretty good one.

Okay, so maybe 8. I'm not good at to give a score.

wait a minute you know eight is better than one right one is bad ten is good and you're saying

eight yes so maybe so uh i think uh maybe it's too long i think so maybe uh do you know do you

need me to trans do you know numbers in chinese do you know chinese numbers yes okay uh so i don't

I don't know. Maybe do you need to do it in Chinese, maybe?

English is fine, so...

Oh, okay, stupid.

Because you're not stupid, asshole, right? You're just Chinese.

So, I don't want to give a too low score for the survey.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't do too low.

Fuck yeah, fucking shit.

Fucking shit. I'm going to put my supervisor on the line.

You're really pissing me off, little fucking twerp.

Go ahead, supervisor.

Little Bobby, the supervisor here.

How's it going?

Good.

Why were you transferred to me?

Usually, I'm in the stupid asshole department.

So why were you transferred to me, sir?

I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, you must be a stupid asshole because you were transferred to me.

And I'm in the stupid asshole department.

So what's wrong?

So why was I doing that?

Well, you should probably just switch from Comcast.

If you're a stupid asshole, we don't want you as a customer.

Yeah.

I'm Bobby's supervisor.

Yeah.

I'm monitoring this call.

That's Big Bobby.

I'm Little Bobby.

I'm Big Bobby.

I'm Big Bob.

This is Bobby Christina.

I call me Big Bob.

I'm wondering why...

I'm going to feed you a cock meat sandwich.

I'm Gabriel Franklin.

We're on a payphone here at the office.

We can't afford it.

And we're cold.

Yeah.

So, anyway, we're going to finish the survey for you, sir, and get you that $50 ears.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is your penis?

In centimeters.

No, make it inches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make it stones.

I don't know what that means.

Two inches, three inches.

You got a big penis or a little penis?

We got to get our customer information here.

You got a big egg roll or a small one?

So maybe...

Your dumpling?

It's the thing that's above the two dumplings.

It's the thing that you go pho with?

Make the pee-pee?

I don't know what that means

Sir, I can't hear you

I'm just going to put down two

Do you have other language service?

Yeah, we have good language

Good language

Assalamualaikum, sir

Assalamualaikum

Sir, I'm going to have to please ask you to not

Sir, kaka pipi

Kaka pipi

Assalamualaikum

Do you have other language service?

I can speak

Papa pipo

Happy day.

Papa Pipo, kaka pipi, ni hao.

Ni hai, Lolo.

Ni hao, Kailan.

Ni hao, ma.

Nau, ma.

Shishi.

Kaya.

Ding dong.

Shishi, eh?

What's the language I speak?

Wigi, wigi, wigi.

Kaka pipi, wiki.

No, I speak Thai.

Oh, the Thai, you know, like the food, like the...

Bangkok.

You know the king of Thailand

is an asshole?

No, Taiwan. No, Taiwan.

The king of Thailand is an asshole.

Yeah, pad see you.

That's fine. It's not me.

Are you gay? On a scale of 1 to 10, how gay are you?

On a scale of 1 being Neon,

10 being Milkman, how gay are you?

See, that can't be answered.

Wow.

That was a new news suggestion.

I had to use that

before we left.

Okay, you want to call him back?

I don't think I'll answer.

I'll call him back.

Too bad.

I asked your opinion, and then I rejected it.

She hung up.

Bye.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice.

Ching Chong Chong cannot answer right now.

That's fucked up.

It's racist.

It's Mr. Ching Chong Chong.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

All right, Pink Taco.

Because I don't see...

Rick or Steven, but I don't see a phone number.

Dwight.

You know what I'm talking about?

Rick or Steven, Indiana, Time Warner Cable.

Am I missing?

Dwight's gone, I think.

I don't know.

Damn it.

Neon's back.

Neon, do you know?

What?

Do you know who?

Oh, never mind.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Dwight pasted a number here, but no number included.

Just a paragraph.

Oh, flashback?

I don't know.

Say where.

Where.

I don't know.

It's just a long story.

Pink taco.

Their phrase is, eating out never tasted so good.

Vagina.

It's a vagina joke.

Yeah, it's run by Dykes.

Pussy?

Yeah.

Dykes.

It could be a gay girl.

Because I'm white, but I enslave people to do it for me.

Now they bitch about it.

Now they want the rights.

Now they want their $10 Comcast.

Dwight, has Carlito called the crazy wine guy again?

He didn't pick up as knows about that motherfucker.

Oh, damn it.

I set him off like a rocket last night.

Oh, he really?

You call again, you motherfucker?

I kill you.

Whoa.

Shit, I gotta go.

Oh, no.

Do your mom have chest pains?

My mom's got chest pains.

All right, here's a different pink taco.

So it's really a chain, huh?

Yeah.

This one's on the Sunset Strip.

It's where you work, right?

Sunset Boulevard?

Taco Sunset, Amanda speaking.

Yeah, hi.

Amanda?

Yes?

Hey, how you doing?

I'd like to make an order.

Are kitchens actually closed?

Oh, you bitch.

Come on.

No clothes.

Come on.

Please?

That was stupid.

Uh-huh.

What a waste.

What am I going to do?

The kitchen's closed.

And it's supposed to be Neon's phone.

Speaking of neon, here's Asian box.

Do you want to do that?

Where did Jag go?

Why did he just leave like that?

That's so awkward.

Oh, shit, I got to go.

I got to go.

What happened?

Did the coal mine explode?

Is there a collapse?

A shaft collapse?

Do you have a shaft collapse?

Oh, yeah, I had that once.

This hurts.

Crap, I had to put a stint in my dick.

Does that lengthen it?

No, this makes the urethra go...

The person you have dialed can't take your call now.

At the tone, please record your message.

when you have finished recording simply

it's rb

hey guys

hi rb

what you doing

oh you know just stuff

did you hear those bank customers

they were pretty good

i just i heard the one lady where you said

she was having intercourse or something

with a lone guy yeah that's pretty

great yeah the other one after that was funny

but i forget it already maybe baz

he's a scientist

you're approved

Did you call them all?

I think I left three or four

and I figured it might be a little too late.

I can do it still.

It's 9.57. Cutoff's 10.

Working in a gas mine.

I do mine gas.

Working in a circle, okay.

Working in a baby mine.

I want to work in a baby mine.

Me too.

I get it now.

I have the seed.

Call me Johnny Baby Seed.

hello hello

Hello?

Is that Freddy?

Freddy?

Yay.

Did you break it? That's two calls in a row.

No, well, I'm not going to do the bank one, so I don't want to ruin them,

because it might be better for daytime, Brad.

Eh, fuck it.

No, it would be better.

Yeah.

Did they stop coming in, finally?

Yeah, I think they fixed it somehow.

And these are like two weeks old.

That one lady's like, it was like two weeks.

I got a call from the Bank of America, like some investigator guy.

He left a message.

Oh, I heard that on your last show, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to guess you didn't reply to it.

Nah, I just deleted it. I should have kept it just to play it.

You should have played it, yeah.

Alright, whatever. We'll just have to take you for your word.

That's all. It's okay.

Maybe it's still in the voicemail. Maybe there's a trash box.

I'll look in there.

Then you'll believe me.

I still believe you, buddy. Why not?

You never lie to me.

I lie to you. All the time.

That's true. I lie to everyone here.

I'm always catching you in lies.

Alright, did we try Asian Box yet?

Yes, and it didn't answer. Here's a different Asian Box.

Do you want to do it, Neon?

I was just saying Asian box if that'd be funny.

No, you go for it. It's cool.

Asian box.

Sounds gross.

My slanted Asian box.

My slope-eyed.

I'm going to put my egg roll in the box.

Is it a bento box?

Bend over box?

Yeah, bent over box.

Bento box? That's a fucking rip-off.

I went out for one of those and was like, what the fuck is this?

Small little windows of food.

That's just a gimmick to give you less food.

It's like those Halloween candy bars.

it's a it's a uh piece of shit yeah i don't care that there's less food it's a fucking benno box

yeah hey matt hello hello hello how are you doing buddy good good good how you doing bud

good everyone say hi to matt hey maddie hi everybody hi matt yeah how you doing buddy

i didn't talk to you in a while are you doing good yeah i'm doing man i'm scratching my back

on the chair like a bear.

Matt, are you wearing those brown

sandals?

Brown sandals?

That sexy picture of me

all naked.

I'm sorry, dude.

That's not you, though, right?

I used to think it was real, too.

I think it is real.

It looks kind of real.

It looks so good.

Well, it's my stupid, like,

stupid, ah, face.

the legs yo i mean it's it's weird the whole thing looks weird the weirdest thing is the shoes

and anybody that anybody that knows about the that comments on the shoes as a winner

because that is the funniest part of it oh my god okay hold on oh i needed to get on to tell

Hey guys, you guys didn't say hi to Dark Stranger.

You guys got a new gentleman.

Hi, Dark Stranger.

What happened?

You have to tell us what?

Hi, Dark Stranger.

How on fun those fun-sized Halloween bars are?

Oh my god, right?

Fun-sized.

Who the fuck ever accused me of being a...

How many of those fun-sized bars can you fit in your asshole?

Oh, a whole bag.

I don't know.

Next Halloween we'll have to find out.

Fun-sized my ass.

Fun for like one tooth.

Fun-sized for...

We got burnt tortillas.

here burnt tortilla nice yum that's already uh promising when you hear that we burn our food

fond du lac i want to go there wear my underwear

look at those shoes i need to stop i gotta go see the picture it's in the sky cat wow and i think

like what's wrong with that kid he's like okay with that i wonder if it's like originally a

picture of like a dead body or something oh my god probably and he's just like yeah probably

probably just murdered that guy

in his flip-flops.

It looks like...

I got it. They stole his

Air Jordans and they put those shoes on him.

It looks like the Abu

Gray pictures. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

The one brought up

where they're all like, yeah!

Thumbs up next to the guys

with the electrodes in their balls

standing on things.

Yeah, exactly like that

Abu Gray product.

Let's get that creep back to...

They're probably putting some kind of a probe in the ass

that gives electric shocks.

Maybe the kid did it.

It was just some drunk dude.

He's like, we stole all his clothes and his wallet and shit.

Maybe they're going to open him up like that monster

in Return of the Jedi.

Oh, the Tauntaun?

Yes.

That was an Empire Strikes Back.

Empire, thank you.

Yeah, that's why bigger guys

are pretty decent, you know.

To keep around and kill them when you need heat.

That's right.

Fuck the fat rule.

That's fat, guys.

It's not even like being fat. It's just being

fucking natural about it.

You don't want some guy you're gonna

break, you know?

Young Dung Restaurant?

This is like a radiator.

A radiator?

I just kick off heat

all night. It's good.

Nice.

I'm doing a call. Hang on. Baz will be right back, he says.

But he said he's got a picture of a beached whale.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Young Dung Restaurant?

Okay.

Hi, there is seven of us. We're all going to be making an order, okay?

Okay.

All right. I would like the egg young foo.

Hmm?

Yeah. House fried rice. Small one.

Okay. And one crab rangoon with no sauce. Okay?

I require hambu.

Yeah, now Dark Stranger is going to give her order.

Go, Dark Stranger.

I require ham-boo?

Ham-boo?

No, only...

I'm going to the restaurant.

Only I need the people noodle soup.

Okay.

Noodle soup?

With the ham-boo?

Okay.

All right.

Go ahead, Brad.

Hang up.

She hung up.

I wanted to see what kind of weird mess...

I wanted...

I wanted to do the...

The old standby I was going to fall on.

The come of some young guy.

Yeah.

I'm just wondering...

I figured she'd like...

Cream of some young guy.

Let's all just say something

And see at the end what the order ends up being

You know what I mean

Dude I'm like wanting crab

Right now you fucker

Just do it really fast

Like an auction

I want this

I had some green curry

It was fucking awesome

Thai green curry

It sounds good

I don't know what it is

It's fucking awesome

It's fucking awesome, I believe it is

Hey Baz, are you having a good time over there?

Yeah

What's going on? It's getting a little breathy over there

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah

He's shitting at the Thai food right now

I'm also masturbating

We need to hotbox this

There's like these screen chillers coming out

I mean, it's doing it for me, Baz

You know, it's cool

Dwight caught me masturbating on his show yesterday

day i got in trouble with that baz you can come on my show and jerk it whatever and i won't get

in trouble no no that's a natural like yeah especially you could show it on the tiny

i won't throw it out i don't care as long as it's real you do what you want yeah yeah i just hate

hate gifs you hate gifs okay i hate like when people like but they show gifs of other people

whacking whacking off and shit yeah like just do it if you're gonna do that like you recorded

somebody else whacking and you're gonna portray that as your own and think it's clever it's

fucking jerky you fucking faggot this is what i heard when you were bitching about george and

this shit one day and i was like holy shit like that's had enough you're like he's not even real

he's fucking george give us a cockpit or like stop doing that shit yeah that fucking rubs this

cock shit all the time whatever no there's no way george he's still mad about it there's no way

but i gotta come in and yell balls should i like get a pair of balls or something

Hey

Toe Bang Cafe

Let's see if they answer here

Toe Bang

No it's a fucking toe

Inside a fucking pussy

Silly

Did you hear that

That guy in Russia

Killed his like friend

By putting his foot up his ass

Like actually killed him

Oh that's bad

He got like septic shock

On his system

We got a call

We got a call on the line

There's a call on the line

Yeah

Alright, call on

Save that for tomorrow

Jesus Christ

Mr. Hands

Tomorrow is the talking show

Let's call him back

Hello

Alright, doing a call

Yeah, we want to make an order.

To-go order?

Yeah, to-go order.

That's right.

Okay, hold on, please.

All right.

What would you guys like?

I'll have one hot water.

Balls for seven people.

Excuse me?

Balls for seven people.

I'd like the Mr. Hands special.

Yeah, can we get that?

Balls for seven people with the sauce.

Can we get the balls?

The balls, the balls.

The balls of meat.

And the noodles.

Can we get the ping pong balls, please?

You know, you fry the noodles.

Erotic.

Alright, you're really bringing me down, lady.

You need to start doing something or we're going to have to move on.

Can we talk to a man?

It's fucking boring, God.

We lost Brad.

I chased Brad away.

Sorry.

That's the one you can direct dial, Carlito.

I'm still here.

He's not very hungry.

I was dialing around 215 or so.

You can get right to the rooms.

You know, I'm jealous of Matt because he can get away with wearing beanies.

I look like a big condom when I wear a beanie.

Matt, you actually look good in a beanie, man.

Uh, oh, my Skype pic?

Like your Skype pic, yeah.

That's not even a beanie, really.

That's more like a stocking hat.

I wear some that are way smaller, like when I draw.

Okay, when you draw?

Yeah, I put on this kind of hat.

I call it a drawing hat.

It's from Walmart.

it's a child sized black hat

and I kind of like

roll it up

that's crazy man

yes I have seen pictures of you with it

it's like a small black hat

like a Gormer Pyle

oh yeah

that hat

just rock that shit

fuck with it

it feels good on you man

fuck it man if it feels good do it

I bought a $3 shirt

once at Walmart and I still wear it

and it was like 10 years ago

You gotta say that before anal sex.

If it feels good, just do it.

If it feels like something

sexual predator says.

Yeah, that's why I was breathing hard there.

Alright, Western Inn.

Dwight, you wanna do the dialing? Do you know how their dialing

pattern is? Sure.

Alright, let's see if we can get some people.

Yeah, it is like Jack Cousin.

Hello, thanks for calling the Western Inn Motel.

Please hold while we try that extension.

2-15.

It's a short silence while we are

connecting your call.

It's not going to do the walk down the hallway

Like my cool hotel I call

Dude I heard your

You called the Linux hotel last Monday

And I had to lock my ass on

They hate me

I don't like being gone to the restaurant anymore

I was out listening to it

I heard the Monday

The one you did Monday

One of them and I was laughing

Linux is garbage

That one lady gets so mad about it.

I would love someone to connect them to Guru, eh?

We are located to get me another fucking beer.

Damn dark stranger, Jaku still had some pretty nasty looking teeth.

Hello, is this a hotel?

Yeah.

I thought someone answered.

Yeah, it sounded like a...

I don't know, blah, blah, blah.

That's a fucker.

Um...

2-1-7?

I don't know, it's just that thing.

Weird dial.

I'm sorry, that extension is busy, or there is no...

Hack it. Hack it.

Yeah, your beefs are coming in real weird for a second there.

I don't know, it's real static, yeah, my end.

Yeah, that's what happens.

We got a lot of people on the line, so it's getting long.

I got it, I'm gonna try it.

We'll do 2-1-8.

Hello?

I think it's doing 281.

It's doing something.

Oh, 281's problems.

You don't want to go to that room.

That's really high up there.

There's been shit up there before.

Yeah, the police are watching that room.

Literal shit?

Stay cut room?

Yeah, we're going to be in the shit now.

Get room of doom.

I was watching so many of my

old videos and so many of them

I'm saying like scat house for

the win scat house

llama says that that race is

over and it's a little pole dog town

so they're probably empty now

get the fuck out of this town

race is done I'm out of here

I'm in an apartment building

and there's some asshole that like

empties their kitty litter in the trash

in the lobby

Fucking Llama guy, man.

He's walking around, fucking walking his pit bull and listening to Madhouse Live.

That guy was funny on Friday Night Live.

He came on my show yesterday and did some good stuff, too.

Whatever it is, he's yelling at the kid.

What was he yelling about?

Crayon.

He brought me the wrong fucking color crayon.

He brought me yellow.

This is bullshit.

He wanted yellow and he got pig.

He got pig or something.

I was like, well, I don't like that guy already.

He finally figured out how to get to the IRC.

He's in the RC now.

Yeah, man.

We knew you could do it.

We're not getting an answer to this hotel now.

Oh, I can't just drag a number in.

You can't get it.

Because I have some hotels that have automated systems, but it won't work, will it?

Or will it?

I think you can drag it.

Or you can at least copy-paste it in.

But, yeah, you can't just copy-paste it in.

Just go to the profile.

Jesus.

I should find you the number to that one in Florida.

or we forced them to get a front desk guy

because we kept calling all their people.

You remember that one with the webcams and shit?

Hello?

Yeah, that's Super 8.

Yeah, Super 8, Melby.

Oh, hi.

I'm calling from the transportation company.

I'm supposed to meet someone there.

They told me to call in and tell me when I was on the way.

What's going on here?

I don't know.

Can you put me through to 118?

118?

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

That's how you do it.

Confuse them a bit at the beginning.

Transportation always works.

I love that.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello, 118.

Yeah, listen, you need to keep it down, sister.

Talking to the phone.

I can't hear you, goddammit.

I'm talking to the person in 118.

You're making too much fucking noise.

I can't hear you, fucker.

Jesus Christ.

She was having a date with Prince Ambien.

I think she was talking to the TV.

Hello, yay.

She's talking to the listening end

I thought she had it upside down

In her head

She had the phone in her tits

Want to try again?

How does phone work?

I can't figure out this automated

I don't know which one's automated

You know how I keep my numbers

Maybe people forget how to use a landline

Hey I'm calling from transportation

I'm calling from transportation

Could you please put me

I think you put me through to the wrong room

room is 116 I'm sorry number 116 I'm sorry I had the wrong room 116 yes what name hold on I just

make sure it's check name I don't have I'm with transportation they just said to call I need to

talk to them about the pickup yeah but what uh room number uh what in a name you know last name

anything so I give you the right room number well I just have 116 as the room okay hold on

bam ignorance is beautiful hello yeah room 116 yeah listen uh why i need you to come over to

room 118 right now you need to come over here to room 118 right now motherfucker will you hear

fucking with my mom you came over here you were smelling her panties i'm gonna fuck you up

motherfucker whatever all right that place's phones suck i'm done with that he sounded he

It sounded like an asleep colored man.

Oh, Carlito, you know who got really pissed last night was Gaslamp Pizza.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, yeah, they got so mad.

Dashie, we called him, but Dashie called him back and spoofed their number to him.

He's like, you motherfucker, if you're a real man, you will come in here and he threatened to cook the fucking bands in the pizza oven.

Nice.

That's beautiful.

So that's three times

I've been threatened by people to be cooked

in an oven. Two in tandoori

ovens and one pizza oven.

Oh, he was good last night.

He was such a good fucking rant.

I mean, he was better

than 90% of the fucking Indians

we talked to. He was good.

Alright, tell them like your grandparents

were Jewish. Yeah, it's like he finally just

exploded. Grandparents died

in the oven. I can't

find that hotel.

hotel yes too late it's all right we got a lot of hotels we'll find one we'll find one what are

what are they um i'm kind of enjoying that my cloud score is is going down like tremendously

time to join more social networks please hold there may be a silence while your call is

transferred nothing now it's all i got but you tell me now what i'll do yes hi i'm calling for

transportation. I need to speak

to the guest in 118,

please. There is no room number

118. Is it

108, maybe? That's how they

get you. 218.

What's the last name? I don't have a

name. I just have the room.

There is no 108 or

218, either. How do the

rooms go? I mean, sir, I can't transfer

unless you don't have a last name. Listen, if you

tell me how the rooms go, I can maybe make

out what the handwriting says.

I mean, you can't just call me here and...

What?

Hey, I put in the chat that...

Oh, yeah, it is formatted right.

Hung Solo sent me the Holiday Inn that has automated things.

I think it's the one...

Can I talk to him, Carlito?

Yeah, take it.

Yeah, give him hell, dude.

Sounds like we're going to space.

Yeah, until you hear the word economy.

You don't want to go to space on an economy mission.

If you're getting a room and it's either economy or budget in the name, you're fucked.

Bid boogs.

I get what your point is, Matty.

That's pretty funny.

I remember I used to go to the dollar movie theater,

and they would show this introduction with the silver dollar roll.

I mean, there is a dollar theater.

Making you feel bad.

Dwight? Hello?

Yes, I'm calling from transportation.

I have Dwight. He's going to talk to you, I thought.

Yeah, you're doing... This is his supervisor.

You want to go ahead and transfer him to the room he requested there, you son of a bitch?

Hey, who the fuck are you calling me?

Hey, you listen here.

I'm trying to do a fucking job.

I got a business to run, and you're being a cocksucker.

Who the fuck do you think?

This guy gets no fucks.

He seems like a tough guy.

He could get riled up

After a few calls

Give me his number for tomorrow

I will

I'm going to make another mark on this one

Economy

If we're going to have a lot of people

And we have to do our best effort

Not to talk when people are picking up

People complain

This is mean nasty stuff to me

On Skype

And on YouTube

I just said poop for the win

on youtube ftw or yeah yes should have been number four you missed an opportunity please say bad

bad boots oh wait wait wait so let's do yours

so this is a holiday and it lets you dial direct yeah and solo gave me another one too

huh oh this can be rich oh you just show a fuck people fucking no dude

Dude, I think people hate me more than you do.

I'll read it over and over again.

I haven't seen this week's comment.

The show was really good until Matt came on and ruined it.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, I need to be, can you put me through to the machine that transfers the call for me?

I'm not sure what you're talking about, sir.

There's a phone machine that you can connect me to that lets me transfer around wherever I need to talk to?

No, we don't have anything like that here.

Oh, so can I speak to a guest, then?

What's the room number?

It's room 118.

Last name?

I'm with Transportation, sir.

They told me they needed a call to arrange the pickup,

and this is going to be coming down soon.

I've come a long way already.

What company are you with?

With Mears Transportation Incorporated.

And what's the name of the guest you're going to be transporting?

They did not give me a name.

I just have.

That's why I'm calling ahead, guys.

Please, sir.

Please help me.

All right, so I'm going to go ahead and hang up on you right now, okay?

No, fuck you.

Come on, man.

Help me.

please please i'm a pervert okay hey i'm solo thanks for the numbers but that one was a fail

i don't think that was it 50 of your numbers are fucking irrelevant right now

i love how they announce it before they do it like i'm gonna disengage in this call

all right well what i'm gonna do i'm gonna have you stand over here

Hang up on him in the middle of that.

For your safety in mind.

Yeah.

For your safety in mind.

What a load of shit.

Yeah, when they say what I'm going to do, you should just hang up.

Hello?

Yeah, I need to be transferred to the police, to room 118.

Do

you have any guess?

Maybe it's 108 then.

Goodbye.

Fuck!

Damn, these cheap boys are like, no, fuck you.

I probably figure drug dealers who call do cold calls.

Is somebody cutting paper?

Yeah, who's cutting paper over there?

I heard it too

she's a crafty type girl

alright

the YouTube channel

comments are what here

let's hope we don't have too many guests tonight

Patrick Manning

levels agree

oh yeah that's right you're actually on YouTube

let's reach it

have you already done 3 hours

when I called in

3 hours 26

yeah right

Like, Jesus Christ,

these fucking niggas are so hungry.

Hey, look who's drunk again.

Dirty old drunk guy.

Jesus Christ.

What's anger and hate?

Venom.

Yeah.

All the assholes should get together and do a show.

Anybody who hates me is a fucking faggot soft cunt.

They ought to just join up with KDK

and fucking enrich that show.

Now people are just going to go in and complain.

Like, yeah, read my comment.

Yeah, read my comment.

Bring my cloud down, faggots.

Hey, hey, hey, look, I found George.

We got, I'm sorry, Lonesome Loser did find George Takei's phone number.

Let's see if it's not too late for him to pick up.

I got a real important message.

Now, you guys be quiet now.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

You're the boss.

Maybe he's not in town.

Must be on the road.

That's his home number.

He will answer his home number if you call him or his husband.

We'll have answered that number several times.

Zolar's talked to him a few times

well here was my idea

I wanted to talk to George

listen I know Leonard

Nimoy passed away

but I'm pretty sure he said

he's still alive on the genesis planet

so I need to steal a starship

and I need you to be my helmsman

I was just going to take the angle of the

plot of

Star Trek 3

reboot the

insertion of franchise

Stryze.

We needed the Star Trek guy to do

Star Trek.

During one of those

Comic Cons, we called the

hotel for George Takai. We ended up

getting his boyfriend.

And Gordo totally

fucked up what ship he was on.

And his boyfriend

fucking was like,

you have the wrong room. And he fucking slammed the

phone down on him.

I talked to him and I talked to George

and they were

They weren't married yet, but I went to an Orlando Comic-Con,

and I already pranked them twice.

And I shook his hand and said,

George, I just want to thank you for letting me prank you in my radio show.

And he actually started laughing about it.

He was like, what did you say to me?

And I said, I think I just called him.

I said I loved you in the Karate Kid movies.

And he goes, ah, ah, ah.

Like, he did this big laugh.

Yeah.

He's so cool.

He's really cool.

Oh, my.

His teeth are, like, rotten, though.

Like, his teeth are all, like, outlined in black.

His back molars and stuff.

I noticed that.

That's Wesley Snipes syndrome.

Yeah.

Really?

What?

Wesley Snipes syndrome.

He has weird teeth.

I don't know.

He's just all over.

I don't think I've ever looked at Wesley Snipes teeth.

I don't think so either.

No, I just remember that Don't Be a Menace to South Central when Bernie Max said,

I hate you black motherfuckers.

I hate you.

They're black-ass Wesley Snipes.

Yeah.

Oh, that was a funny show.

It was Bernie Mac, rest in peace.

Rest in peace, buddy.

Alright, speaking of darkness.

Segway.

Excellent segway.

That shit makes me sad.

It's so good.

And can you see?

Oh no, let's do Sean and

Sed who complained about Comcast.

Dwight, take it away if they answer.

I gotta find it.

Many times we've been out

I think we've already called this guy before,

and I think he just got around to bitching about it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I think he was bitching about us.

Oh, is that what this is?

It may be.

Hang on, I got my copy-paste program problem.

Fuck.

I gotta shut down Synergy real quick.

Stand by.

Listen to this.

I'll be right back.

Well, you know I have a love

A love for everyone I know

and you know i have a drive to live i won't let go can you see its opposition comes rising up

sometimes all right we're good we're back yeah that p i remember calling that pv guy uh he's

bitching because uh when we called him we didn't care what time it was or how time zones worked

Please

Darkness

This is kind of sad. It wouldn't if he wasn't dead it just seems some awesome shit

That brings the sadness to it

I'm just catching myself up here in numbers

I'll try this guy again

It might rain for a while

And we can stop our whoring and pull the smiles inside.

I will never stop the whoring.

Then light it up forever and never go to sleep.

My best unbeaten brother isn't all I see.

This is the original.

Darkness, everybody.

Darkness.

Right.

Twin brother darkness.

Kong Solo said he just

confirmed this number

as a hotel that

will give us full sex.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Full sex massage parlor

we found at

Candy Bars.

A ragged cup, a twisted mop,

the face of Jesus in my suit.

I got a lot of Lonesome Loser

numbers in Guam where it's like currently

4 in the afternoon or something like that.

Once a loser comes in, he comes on strong.

He does good.

Thanks, Wilson.

Do you know Nick Cave, Carlito?

Nick? No.

He did the original version of this.

This is the only version of it I know.

Most of his American stuff is covers.

Yeah, I knew that.

I guess he did a few Nine Inch Nails covers, right?

Two of them?

I know H.E.R.D., which other one did he do?

That H.E.R.D.'s a very sad video to watch.

When he closes the piano key and, like, pats it.

Oh, he does.

Is that his last video that he recorded, I believe?

I think so, it's really good.

He didn't say Crown of Shit, though.

I don't believe.

Well, he wanted to, like, Jesus, right?

Yeah.

Wanted to clean it up.

Clean it up there.

He was like Kanye's, and he's like Jesus.

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus, yo.

Alright, ABC store.

Convenient store.

Convenient store, they said.

How convenient are they?

If they don't pick up on the first ring.

Hello?

Yeah, you picked up on the third ring.

That's pretty good.

do you have gasoline there or just convenience this is convenient convenient all right do you

do full sex do you do the full sex there okay hold on please okay it's fine you have to you

have to promise her you'll marry her afterwards as long as i do that yeah yeah that's all it takes

that's cool i'm not falling for that again yeah yeah you're a usgi all right so i hear that um

Hi. Yes, I'm calling to see

do you have full sex at this place

or just convenience? Hello?

Hello? Well, that was

new stuff.

It sounded like one of those

like old running over

thing at the gas station.

Someone calling. Hello?

To accept, press 1. To accept with

recording, press 3.

Hello? Hello? Yes.

I guess I used to have given the

stuff away the TV. Yeah, I have

a TV. Yeah, did you want?

Yes, and what also are you giving away?

I have a bed.

I have two guns.

A PlayStation 4.

I have two computers.

Can I get your address?

Can I send any available?

We can pick it up tomorrow.

You need to come now because I'm horny right now.

I'm horny right now, so you'd have to come here now.

Okay.

Can you come now?

Whoa.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

So we do have ads out there.

Can we give away your services to the next person?

Yeah.

Finally, we got a call.

How long ago did you make those, Dwight?

Like an hour ago, right?

Or longer, I think.

Slow night on the Craigslist.

Dwight, you there?

Your sister's having a hard time.

You okay there, Dwight?

All right, we'll call back the convenience store.

Okay, Dwight.

I bet Neon has huge boobs.

Just saying.

An elbow for an elbow and a mouth for a mouth.

And a hair for a hair.

that's funny that i was just reading chat for a minute oh that's right they cranked me up

it's good stuff pretend it's our own work yeah stop faking your orgasms babe i'm from australia

and i like turtles i like turtles i like turtle kid yeah like when

When shit first pops up on YouTube, I was all about him.

He just yells, like, I like Toto!

The way he says it, with conviction, he's like, I like Toto!

We are here for Jonathan Zombie, and we have to say, I like Toto!

Do you think he said turtles or turd holes?

I like them all.

I think he was a little touched, that kid, though.

Did you see the way he was looking?

He's probably looking at his daddy.

I think he did a

Web Redemption

touch point out.

You know who did the Web Redemption? That surfer guy.

Did you see that guy?

Which surfer?

The guy from Huntington Beach.

The Illusion?

I don't know. Is that what it's called?

Where he's just like, yeah, you get pitted, bro!

Wapaw!

Oh, no, that wasn't that guy.

Maybe it was.

I don't know.

All the Web Redemptions.

One guy I actually watched

I watched this, like, idiot, like, redneck, like, hunter-type dude that shot himself in the leg.

Like, I was watching that guy before he got his web redemption, and I felt neater for knowing him.

I was pretty happy to know that it was on there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

Hold on.

Stop the clock.

What's a web redemption?

Can one of you explain to me?

Oh, you should watch it.

It's on TV.

I just want to know.

I've never seen that show.

I've heard about it.

It's like people that fucked up on the internet

make it somewhat better.

He'll make them feel cooler.

He did the double rainbow guy.

Oh, he did? Really?

Yes, the double rainbow guy.

He'll bring on, and yeah,

once an episode, he'll bring on somebody

who's done something stupid on the internet

and say, like, hey, redeem yourself

and, like, you know,

fakely do it good.

Like, you know, kids that are...

It's complete bullshit.

Like, I kept telling those people, Colin,

about the crossbow. I said, you know,

it was a sex toy. Sex toy, they put

dildo on the end, they shoot at each other's ass,

and he, the last episode, or the episode

before, here he comes, he's got

a fucking bow and arrow, and it's got a big dick

on the end of the fucking arrow.

And he shot it in people's asses.

Bullshit.

They're both phallic objects.

Oh no, that's another guy I was

talking about, man.

A call, a call, a call.

Take it. Who's taking it?

Uh-oh.

To accept, press 1. To accept what's recording, press 3.

Record your reply at the tone.

When you are ready.

I don't know. It took too long.

I'm like, hey, guys, I was like on the phone.

I was like, answer, and we'll figure it out.

This is like a five-year-old in charge.

Well, we're trying to be organized, you know, and not all jump in, so.

We always, always, always.

Like, didn't text.

Maybe we should call it in advance.

Who's going to take the next incoming?

coming. He gets to the next

driver. He says,

one of these days, I'm going to get one of those signs

that says, one of these days, I'm going to get

organized.

I know

we've got a lot of people on, but we're all having

fun, right? We're just kicking. The serious

part of the show is over. You know what I mean?

Let's consider this an after show.

Are you getting a lot of hate?

I know I will by tomorrow.

Everyone gets on.

You had, like Matt said,

you had two and a half, three hours.

Jesus, dude.

I'm going to do a daytime show this week, and that's even better.

Ah, come on, man, tomorrow.

Yeah, man, I miss the daytime shows that I used to sit in with you last year.

I know.

I forgot to buy the sundae paper.

And then Matt was there, and we had some good calls and good times.

Yeah, we did.

Daytime's great for businesses.

Yeah, it is.

It's great for a lot of things, actually.

Like, you know, have you ever heard that prank call I got, Dirty?

it was a day time

the woman's name was

Drudy

the ad said call Drudy for this HR job

and I kept saying no I'm going to talk to Drudy

it goes from there

I just love calling the serious

office businesses

I dug you guys

the Jesus bring the water

I remember

Matt was on with me once

there was some kind of gas leak

detection company something stupid

stupid and we kept calling and getting up senator and matt like told her off

i like fucking with the squares the regular people like i know everybody gives me like

hooker numbers and shit like that's not who i want to fuck with i want to fuck with regular

idiots working yeah oh it's fun it's fun just on a monday too a lot of these guys like fuck i hate

I remember that we had that whole show

Where we were calling that place

It was like a horse breeding place

We were ejaculating a horse

What do we do with semen

Stuff like that

Remember that Carlito

Carlito was talking about

You were talking about going over the fence

And shit and sneaking

In the guy's fucking yard

Or something

Yeah we told him we had the stallion

Oh my god I don't remember that at all

you were on Ambien and I think you were in the hospital

no it was the daytime show

it was about a year ago

it's on the podcast

I haven't listened to those Ambien hospital shows

those are hilarious

I felt

pretty happy when I saw

your show

and Brad's show on

iTunes

I was like holy shit I gotta get my shit

together and get mine on there

that's how I always get my

podcast. You can do the same,

Baz. Dwight, you can do the same.

I can give you the link and you can manage it yourself.

Just throw it in iTunes.

You go to iTunes and you submit podcasts

and copy-paste it in.

I kind of

still want... It is working a little wonky

sometimes.

I might want to go through and edit

mine before I put them up.

Can you go back

in and do stuff or is it

just up to you to do it?

probably know what it means to do stuff like if i wanted to like how bad said like if you like

accidentally put you know show up and you're like oh crap i really want you're like wait that's my

sister's security number yeah i forgot to put that out yeah so can we can we edit it ourselves

like the whole podcast update or anything ourselves you could you could edit it and just

replace the file right there in the post you just pick the new one or just at least let me know and

say hey change it to this but i guess i think you guys could actually yeah are you sure no yeah

I mean, I don't really care about anything that's been posted before from my shows,

but I might want to edit them before I put them up on iTunes or something.

I want all my shit up with everything horrible.

I'm putting up those Lindsay Lohan pranks on my fucking YouTube channel with 540 subscribers.

It's real easy for me to do.

If you just give me the new copy that you edited, you know,

know well and just tell me it was for blah blah date you know either either of you like that you

get the same you gotta pull it off a mixler and then well i already pulled them off a mixler but

yeah yeah but i'm saying bass can go to one and be like all right i took out you know stuff from

this episode back in march can you you know replace the file yeah i'm like yeah i can do

that actually really easily yeah like just as long as you can be the file on the date

look at you look at me mr big cheese like yeah i can cut out whatever i'll do whatever for you

girl i got you i got everyone's back here oh yeah look a prank call pimp

i got you i'm mr big cheese yay ken you finally won it's like the third or fifth game i beat you

third or fifth third or fifth those questions not third or fourth and i wipe the floor with

both of you guys all the time yeah really because you uh when you're losing carlito

Carlito, you just forget to play.

I have to start a new one.

I just started a new one the other day, and Carlito never accepted it.

He was like, fuck it.

I haven't played in like a week.

It's too easy.

Yeah, right.

You're cheating.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, Carlito-san.

Yes.

All right.

Kmart Store.

Dial 1 for electronics or 0 for the operator if DTMF tones fail.

DTF.

Yeah.

Are we ready?

Kmart Store.

Yay!

I remember being such a fancy shitty kid, like picking up Kmart when I was a kid.

We're calling electronics

We'll hold on the line like Will and Sum said

Looks like they've got bad connections

Shall we check the bathroom?

Check your bathroom

I want some spam

What kind of spams do you have there?

What kind of spams?

One moment

I'm going to transfer you to the spam department.

My wife cooks spam sometimes.

Is that what she calls it?

She poops on the back.

Like the things for your shoes.

I thought it was having sex was cooking spam.

No, it's pooping on your partner.

Oh, no.

You go like, here comes the spam.

You're like, fuck that.

That's what it is.

The Filipinos eat a lot of spam.

Yeah.

All of Asia does it.

Koreans do it.

Hawaii.

I've never

ate Spam. I think I would.

It's hurricane food. We used to open it

after the hurricane. This is really salty and a lot

of fat. Yeah.

It's real droopy.

I eat corned beef hash. No,

it's cheap as fuck. Yeah, it's like that.

I mean, yeah, I eat

canned meat. I'm just saying

I've never ate Spam. It is not corned beef hash.

It's got that slime.

It's more gelatinous, isn't it?

No, no, no. The meat itself, yeah,

kind of, but it has like a jelly

Yeah, you gotta wash that off.

Well, like my grandparents

used to get a ham that came

in a can.

You have ham in the can?

Hello?

Oh, man, that's a good one.

Carlito, did you happen to

catch the movie Horrible Bosses 2?

No, the first one

I did, but not the last.

There was a funny-ass part

because

with Jennifer Aniston, you know, she was

was a sex addict in that fucking first one the dentist yeah well she was i don't know it was

fucking hilarious jason bait may get fucking caught in a meeting and um so like he has to

pretend he's gonna fuck her but he's gonna like run and uh he's like why don't you use the bathroom

and she's like oh that's okay you can do that you can do that on me and he's like oh no no it's

number two and she goes my god and please hold all right call there's a call machines

dick traps check again you better check yourself bro check yourself oh i dropped the lighter

how can i help you yeah ham in a can i'm in the can yeah

One moment.

I do.

You've got the crazy lighter.

I like that it's a specific

She's a

She's a Filipina.

I have a whole department.

This is spam.

Pot of meats.

Carlito, I got a new lighter. What should I put in it?

Butane.

It doesn't matter what.

Yeah, don't get the cheap butane. Get something nice.

Because what'll happen, if you get crappy butane,

it has, it does have,

it's not bullshit, it does have impurities.

Look, Barterstown ran off methane.

You got to do it like Barterstown.

I'll show you on video the brand that I use for my lighters right now.

Are you guys in tiny chat?

Xikar, X-I-K-A-R.

It has nearly zero impurities in it.

Very clean burning.

Yes, for all your smoking needs.

I highly recommend using.

Dude, chemicals for winters.

Oh, wow.

There's 11 people in the Prank Call Nation thing?

Maybe you should redial or call Zach.

Yeah, you're right.

I want to ask, can I talk to her?

Oh, Zach's just calling.

Hey, can you add my co-host?

Yeah, drop him.

Do I have to drag him in?

Yeah, it should pop up.

Hello, and thank you for calling your 24-

He's my little buddy.

He's my little koala buddy.

Yeah.

Human Resources, press 3.

Otherwise, press 0 to an operator.

Transferring.

Please hold.

Hello?

Hey, Zach.

Operator?

Can I talk to her?

Yeah, hello, ma'am.

We're calling about the canned food, canned meat.

Yes.

Yeah, canned meat product.

Do you have the deviled ham?

Yes, we do, sir.

Yeah, do you also have that potted meat product?

Potted meat product?

Yeah.

One moment.

Please don't put me on hold for a long time.

Baz, pot and meat.

I'm hungry.

Pot and meat food product.

Sorry, ma'am, are you there?

Shit.

Call her back.

Who?

Call her back.

She hung up on you.

She just puts us on hold.

I don't know why.

She's like to transfer us to the meat department or something.

Oh, I hung up on everyone.

I hit the wrong button.

Whoops.

Sorry.

I hung up on the wrong button.

Wrong button.

I thought you were offended.

No.

Buttons are for squares.

And then I was like, oh, Carlito disconnected us.

Never mind.

I hit the wrong angle.

Hello, thank you for calling.

I should tell her I didn't tell her to give her permission to put me on hold.

You did not.

That's the reason with Chokovic.

Someone doing wits or something.

I wish.

Hey.

Actually, you know that.

You know, that potted meat food product is the same as deviled ham, actually.

Just mashed up, right.

Yeah, they said they had the deviled ham.

I was going to ask her if they had the potted peck-peck meat product.

Oh, the beef curtains?

She was definitely a Filipina.

How can I help you?

Yeah, what happened?

I was on hold for a long time.

I was calling about the potted foods products.

Yes, sir, I'm trying to transfer you over to the...

No, no transfer.

You have the potted

Wait, you have the potted

Peck peck product

Peck peck

One moment

I want to say

I've seen something about child

Prostitutes and they said peck peck

Probably

It's the sound of a hammer

Going peck peck peck

Well, like 10 year old kids

Like, yeah, peck peck

Like weird huts

And back alleys

Because they get a little girl like, peck, peck, peck, peck, you know, like, it's nasty.

It's like little chickens, little chickens pecking her, I can't believe that.

Well, the chickens are around, and they're used to people, so they don't really run away.

Yeah, and people have chickens in their houses.

Savages.

Every house has a pig in the back.

Permahold.

Yeah, it's usually the mother.

Good one, Ken.

God damn, Ken, I mean, damn.

I like that.

We're gonna wait

I wanna see who this is gonna answer

I don't care, we're just gonna talk

I think if I worked at Kmart

I'd just not give a shit

I don't have any trousers on

I know a gentleman named Cross

Who worked at a Kmart who didn't give a fuck

Dude, yeah

I was doing the show

I was doing the show at the time

But I would drink about

Three of those tall boy

Of the ones that you drink now

I would either drink three tall steel

Steel Reserves, or Natty Ice's.

Wow.

Three Steel Reserves of Puvia.

I got thrown out of the Martin Lawrence Comedy Jam after I drank three of those.

But, yeah, sorry.

I would drink three of those, and I would go and work at Kmart.

Basically, they told me, all we want you to do is straighten up all the aisles from one end of the store to the other end in the back until you hit the clothing, and don't do the clothing.

Got it.

Got it, boss.

It was all, like, toys, fucking all the fun shit.

yeah i was like hell yeah so just do that and if we need you to take furniture out we'll call you

on the walkie talkie i was like fuck yeah so like they had these little wind up fm radios

so i would just wind it up and put it in a cart with me and i was just drunk off my ass for like

the first half of my shift i was just looking at shit and listening to the radio like i would

listen to talk radio it's just like way back and there were no customers ever ever bothered me

and i would just like i literally just sat there just like i you know how long it would take to

organize the fishing section it was like you could like drag that out forever oh i know

why the fuck are there condoms in the fishing section this is bullshit i was telling my little

nephew that personality is everything because i worked at the gum factory for years without ever

doing anything i just made people like me and they just want to put me on their shift just

Just had me around, and it worked.

It loosened, too.

Like, I didn't do shit.

Just hung around.

Was that the Wrigley's?

Yeah, yeah, Wrigley's.

Is that where you put your finger in the peppermint shit, and you almost passed out when you tasted it?

Oh, yeah, the menthol.

Yeah.

That shit hit me like a fucking cannon, dude.

Like, imagine a menthol cigarette has, like, a little sprinkle in it.

And like I had a whole

Like big

Like that kind of finger full

Wow

Did you like

Drink water or like what did you do

Yeah yeah

There was water

Dude I drank water all the time

And I was fucking fat and it was hot in there

I drank water constantly

That's what I did

Um alright do I give up now

do i relent i'm getting bored it's four hours into the show

you know it's a bitch i worked at uh ups when i was still in high school

when you get those days it'd be fucking like 90 degrees out and you're the one loading those

semi trailers and it was only like a four hour period but it was non-stop and you go in those

trailers it's like 120 fucking degrees i'm like yeah i was like this is fucking bullshit and they

They get all pissed off when you don't scan

one fucking package.

Bullshit.

Carlito, do you want to try

making a few UK

numbers before you quit?

I posted some

up if you go up in the Skype chat to

it would be your time, it would be

12.33.

I posted some from an area called

Grimsby.

In the Skype chat, yeah.

That sounds

That sounds like a fictional name.

No, but I was looking at the Google map

and they're all right next to this theme park

called Pleasure Island.

They have a port?

We could call and tell them

we're calling for Pleasure Island.

That's some shit up.

Pleasure Island?

Yeah, it's like a theme park.

You always lay low

and you always get the greatest ideas.

You know what I want to find?

Isn't there an island in New York, isn't there an island called Fire Island that's a very big, like, gay spot for, like, anonymous people?

I've heard of Fire Island.

Where's JTB? He could tell us.

Are there businesses on that island? I wonder if there are businesses that we could prank.

That'd be pretty funny.

Nothing like hate crimes.

No, no, no hate crime for gay weeks and celebrations.

KDK would say it's a hate crime.

Yeah, he would be all over that.

Let's call a community where a lot of blacks live

Yeah, blacks

Alright, UK Wankers, here we go

This is the first one

What's the name?

Jackson, C. Jackson

Hello?

Yes, is this Mrs. Jackson?

Oh, Mrs. Jackson, what the hell time of day is this to call on you?

Oh, well, this is Snozzwell. I'm over here at Pleasure Island.

Good morning, ma'am.

Good morning.

I'm calling from the Fleishio department.

I'm the director here, and we see that you have an appointment here today.

I don't.

You do, so we'll expect you here in about an hour.

No, I don't have any appointment at Pleasure Island.

Yeah, please brush your teeth, and we will provide some breath mints before and after.

Hello, ma'am.

I think that you're just pecking the mic.

Sorry, I can barely hear you, ma'am.

Are you on some kind of government subsidized phone plan?

If you would say that to any normal person, I would say that that is incredibly offensive.

Oh, no, no, ma'am.

I'm just calling.

I'm the manager here.

It's his whole business.

Where is this federal island you're talking about?

You should know.

It's only about 20, 30 kilometers from you.

The theme park.

You know, the one on the water.

This is a joke. I'm really not impressed.

I have better things to do than mess about and waste my time in the morning.

No, no, ma'am. This is no joke.

Why would you imply that I'm a businessman?

I already told you, this is Pleasure Island, the theme park.

We have you scheduled for an interview today?

I mean, you're not putting up a very good impression.

I mean, you're probably not going to get the job.

Good. I don't need it.

Oh, well, that's good for you, then.

Here, you know what? I'm done with you.

Does anybody else want to talk to her?

i've got uh my associates here this is a phone interview if you didn't know by now

carlito's face

miss jackson what color are your panties i ran out of gas in that

is it monday

I'm making funny ass faces

Dude Baz really said

I'm sorry Miss Jackson

Where are you making faces at?

On the internet

All your shit's already frozen

I can't see it anyways

Well everyone else seems to be able to see it

Good for them

We got D Jackson

Great song

But I did make her cry

On purpose god damn it

Am I messing up on her?

it's like seven in the morning there right now it's not that bad it's not that bad of a time

to call for my business no it's not it sounds completely reasonable yeah nine minutes past

seven in the morning this fine monday morning no no we're sorry your call could not d e jackson

d jackson that could be a whole thing just calling people named jackson

Yes, hello, is that miss Jackson who loves me? Oh, hi. I'm sorry to call. I'm on my name is Andre 3000

This is miss Jackson. I'm sorry to call you. I'm sorry miss Jackson

I'm gonna transfer is wanted to say that she wasn't she wasn't having any of your funny business

Did she make a funny noise?

Did she go, whoo-hoo, or something like that?

I think someone else does that.

Oh, okay.

I always worry when you get those really old ones that they're going to check out.

I'm very afraid that we're going to call Roy Booth and he's going to be dead.

Or he's going to die when we're talking to him.

You call that cat a lot, right?

Yeah.

Hello, Ms. Jackson?

Ms. Jackson, we're sorry.

Who is it?

Go ahead, Matt.

I'm sorry miss Jackson. Yes, I am for real miss Jackson

All right, we'll call someone else. Here's eh Jackson also known as a

Jackson

What

Wow, that's really fucking holy shit all kinds of people left

So late it's the next day for me

stay for winter dude make sure you're awake later please how much later miss jackson hello yeah hi

miss jackson there hello yes your daughter is being very naughty and pardon your daughter has

been very naughty i got a report here about your daughter and she's not going to be able to come

to class for the next uh five days i think you have the wrong phone number is this i jackson

It is, yes, but we don't have a daughter.

Oh, who's that stupid girl that's on the line right now?

That was my son.

Exactly.

Little fruit.

Well, that's what the problem is.

He's got a very feminine voice.

This is exactly where the problem is coming from.

You understand.

They're teasing him and picking on him because he's effeminate.

He's been going around saying he's a girl to everybody.

That's why I said that.

I didn't know.

Hello?

Some poor little English boy is going to catch a beating now.

Because of his effeminate ways.

Okay.

Like he should.

Are we on the same page now?

You all right with me?

We good?

Okay.

I'm just going to call the next one.

Bye.

All right.

I don't know.

I'll call one more.

That was awkward at the end there.

How much do I think I'm on?

Two seconds, ten hours from now.

Oh, that's a yes.

Yeah, man.

You know, usual time.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hello?

Is that Kay Jackson?

No.

Wow.

Uh, is there a Kay Jackson that's ever lived at this number that you know of?

Uh, no, sorry.

Oh, what's your name?

Tim.

Oh, do you have a nice bellend?

Can I talk to, try calling him back?

Call him back.

I'd like to talk to him.

A nice bellend.

What's a bellend?

That's your, the head of your.

A bellend.

The head of your dick.

Hmm.

You can insult, right?

Isn't that an insult too, Zach?

You can say a bellend.

Yeah, yeah.

So cool.

You dickhead.

I was on a bellend, yes.

Hey, bellend.

Uh.

Hey, how old are you, you fucking knob?

Yeah, you're a numpty.

You fucking knob.

A numpty's such a good one.

Yeah, hey, buddy.

Yeah?

Hey, Baz is here.

Go ahead, Baz.

Yeah, you know what?

You're a numpty and a cobshite.

Fair dues, man.

What do you have to say about that, buddy?

He said sod off, man.

I love it when they say sod off.

I'll paste the number in here.

Maybe he'll answer for you later, Baz, and or Matt and Zach.

Yeah, cool.

I think I got it because that same one, I posted those numbers.

Oh, you did?

Well, there it is anyway.

Yeah.

Cool, thanks.

There you go.

And I'm going to sleep.

See you guys later.

All right, man.

Thanks for having me.

It was fun.

Hey, it was fun.

Thanks for having me on.

Yeah, thanks for going late.

Yeah, when are you going?

Matt, you and Zach?

Like noon-ish.

Noon central.

Yeah, central.

Okay, cool.

So, like, 11 hours from now.

Yeah, understood.

All right, thank you.

All right, see you later, Baz.

Thanks.

All right, see you guys.

Bye.

Bye, Big Khalido.

Bye.

All right, enough goodbyes.

I want to thank everyone who joined me on the show today to help out, including Milkman, who did drop.

Let's call him and see if he can give us our little outro.

I'm leaving now on my bellend

Taking a trip on my

Big red veiny bellend

Adios, I'm leaving now

It's like the end of a bell

What a nasty fucking thing

The bellend

My bellend

What a nasty thing for me to ask him

How big is his bellender?

Does he have a nice big bellend?

It's disgusting, right?

I'm not receiving a Milkman signal.

Oh, we're not going to get a Milkman signal.

I'm leaving now.

That's pretty appropriate.

All right.

Well, anyway, then I'll thank everyone who joined the show today.

And, wow, Jesus Christ, who was there?

Milkman, you're here.

Yay.

oh hey hermanito want to take us out of here you got time hey man all right dude all right

all right there you go there's another fascinating incredible installment here the madhouse

everybody want to thank all our friends everybody over at 98.6 the map all our friends for stopping

in the chat there hey ha everybody i got thrown down the stairs and i'm here to talk about it

My broken body is recovered.

I'm the $6 million milkman.

Hey, man.

Thank you, everybody.

Yes, and we've got a bunch of people in the chat saying hello.

Giggle Watt.

Man.

Steppen.

Cold.

Old Snake Lady.

Hello, hello.

All right.

Thank you, everybody, for stopping by.

I want to thank all our special guests that showed up tonight.

Baz.

Neon.

We had a whole bunch here.

I saw Matt.

I saw Jag TV.

me i saw dwight and uh thank everybody for stopping by also thank you for the numbers

especially like to give our uh big shout out to our numbers hit man the return of the lonesome

loser off this held high man that's right brother hey man thank you so much man i hope you get a

chance to stop around some more man it's great having your numbers again that's right we do it

right here for you the most interactive show you can find here on the internet every week we drop

Drop the dime, give us a time, bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy,

because they're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

And we couldn't do it without our fearless leader, the Generalissimo of the Madhouse,

Hermonito, saving lives one call at a time.

My brother, thank you so much again.

All right, thanks, Milkman.

I'll talk to you later.

Take care, man.

You have a good night.

Peace, man.

I love you.

All right, yeah, definitely thanks, everyone.

Everyone I know, Neon, Brad, DarkStranger, Zax, Maddie, Babaz, Dwight, Jag, everyone contributed.

Soft helped out getting us that incoming number set up.

We took some pranks through there.

Thanks, Brad, for everything.

I'll be back next week, guys.

Thank you very much.

Next week, same time.

Ooh, bye.

see martin see malcolm see biggie see posse success and its outcome see jesus see judas

see caesar see prudence see success is like suicide suicide it's a suicide if you succeed

prepare to be crucified uh need your medals niggas sue you you settle every step you take

they remind you you get them so it's tough being bobby brown to be bobby then you have to be bobby

Now the question is, is to have had and lost

Better than not having it all

Because it's all

Fucking knob

Calls (54, 1 h 46 min of 3 h 53 min)

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