Trolling The Lunk Alarms

Fucking just call from your ear number.

Don't put any exegete number, okay?

Do you ever fart in your hand and smell it?

What the fuck?

What are you talking about talking trash about you?

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

I want to say this to all the American people.

While the Cold War has ended, the world is not free of danger.

And I am determined to take the steps necessary to keep our nation secure.

We will keep our forces ready to fight.

We will work to head off emerging threats.

And we will take action when action is required.

That is precisely what we have done today.

Thank you, and God bless America.

Don't listen.

What do you know?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

What I say is they got no business negotiating.

We gotta be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.

Oh, is that right?

We do it now, we do it later. Later ain't gonna be no use. Am I right, Al?

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.

We got a lot of angry guys in there. Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords.

Besides you, the average antisocial.

We gotta go in, right? Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

Yeah.

And you hear Milkman.

Anita, can't break it.

Tonight, I know you got something great in store for us here.

prank calls oh yeah that's what's on the menu baby thanks for joining me milkman i'm carlito

host of madhouse radio which is the show you're listening to thank you out there for tuning in

i'm so happy you did yeah this is madhouse radio over at madhouse live.com also prank

call nation.com prank call nation.com we got that's right and get in that chat at 98.6

Fix the mouth.

Tell them how to do that, Hermione Toe.

Chat room over at prankcallnation.com slash chat.

Barely got any standing room only.

No seats left.

There's a lot of people in there, Milkman.

What do you expect, man?

What do you think?

The militia is cooking, baby.

We're a strong nation machine.

Really?

Yeah.

So, I don't know.

I don't have anything else of note that I need to talk about so quick.

I say we just get into it, right?

There's just some prank calls.

You know, I was noting earlier, you know, this is almost like a global phenomenon, you know.

Flying here at, you know, this altitude, 35,000 feet, you know, in the El Barco de la Madre,

looking down, dude, the Prank Call Nation, dude, is really, it's a global phenomenon, man.

So, like, is that actually the proper title?

I mean, maybe should we extend it, Prank Call Globe or Globe, or how should that be factored in, brother?

No, I want to go global now, I mean.

we already are okay we're just being modest we're calling then we'll just we'll just call

this nation the planet it's a global nation of people nook man there you have it see now that's

how it's been resolved yeah see there we figured it out now a global nation of people does that

work for you that'll work for me baby that's why we got the el barco de la madre baby because like

you know we're coming from way up on high 420 in the sky well that's the source that's the main

source uh speaking of the main source guess who came back this week go to loser yeah

you're serious man he's back he's back man he's good he's back is he in the chat right now he's

in the chat right now son of a bitch somebody put him okay okay

uh clay somebody put him up there man in the ops up there in the section man put him up there where

he belongs man he's the lonesome loser it's a numbers hit man put him up there i don't see him

oh he's way down on the bottom well we can get somebody fix that just needs a plus h that's all

hang on let me do it i can do it yeah somebody there you go that's my boy now we're taking care

of business thank you hermano give take give there we go i said to give it and i gave it to him right

great did it yeah there it is thank you yeah yeah man come on man he's as old as the madhouse

he's right there with us all the way he's older than the madhouse show damn it i know that man

but i mean as far as these guys know he's at least that old dude i know him by his real name no one

even knows him by his real nickname i'm not talking about his actual name i'm talking about

his real nickname oh yeah yeah remember his first nickname his first was mr peepers yeah that's it

Yeah, okay, there you go.

That's our memory.

Mr. Peepers, man, yeah.

Mr. Peepers.

Anyway, look, let's get to the prank calls.

Let's not wait.

Let's get up, man.

I'm having a good time.

I know, that's all right.

You can have all the good time you want.

You boy, you.

La, la, la.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Yeah, you still got that Chevy S10, buddy?

I did.

I've already sold it.

How much you sell it for?

I sold it for $1,500.

Oh, it's probably a piece of shit then, right?

It's a good thing I didn't get it.

Yeah, probably.

Probably a cock-sucking piece of shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, fuck you for selling it, not me, you know, selling it to someone else.

All right.

It really pisses me off, you know?

I needed a truck.

I need someone...

I guess you just have to find somebody else.

I needed a truck to pork your mom in.

I guess I can't use that one, huh?

Well, my mom's dead, so I hope you feel better about it.

Uh, now I feel even better, yeah.

I'll dig her up.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, so you...

Stoney!

You got a baby there.

Stoney!

He's been porking his wife.

Isn't that a little bit young for you there, Sonny?

His wife.

Yeah, I was going to say, ain't she a little young for you there, Sonny?

You can tell he's a redneck.

We ain't got a baby.

That's my wife.

Hello?

Don't say that.

That's his baby.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You have a baby with that guy?

Excuse me?

You have a baby with that guy I was just talking to that was selling the truck?

That means he's been porking you, huh?

I mean, is that any of your fucking business?

So I guess he's been porking you in the last few months, at least.

At least in the last year.

Okay.

He's been porking you?

Quit being a loser.

I'll send this phone number to the police for harassment and grow the fuck up.

Did you start porking him yet again?

Did you guys start porking or are you still healing up?

They're working on part two.

They want to get a sister now.

Sister for that little boy.

You got to wait some time after the baby comes out.

Oh, hell, they don't miss out, man.

You calling down Bambi again, man?

They don't miss your stroke, baby.

Hey, nice bee.

I love you too, man.

Man, I love all my friends over there.

98.6 the map.

You guys ought to go over there.

If you're not in the chat, you ought to go join it.

Get in that motherfucker.

Look, this guy has a red straight seat with seatbelts for sale.

Red straight seat.

Are car seats universal, Milkman?

I don't think so, right?

What is it?

Car seats?

Car seats aren't universal, are they?

I think they are, actually.

They're just on those rails, right?

Car seats?

Yeah.

Could I take a car seat from one car and put it in another easily?

No, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, hell no, dude.

No, no.

It's just specific to each model and each year sometimes.

Wow, really?

I didn't know that.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Now, okay, like, it used to be when there was a lot of GMs, like, you could, like, maybe,

like, get a Buick and, like, put it, maybe, like, slide it in, like, you know, a Pontiac

or something else.

Maybe if they're from the same...

These days, I don't know.

Maybe if they were from the same year, right?

You could?

Because it would have been built from the same year.

Like, you couldn't get just any seat because, like, not only are the length of the legs,

how they slide, how tall they are.

Some of them, if they had a hump in the middle, like, they would be taller on the inside than on the right side than they would be on the left side than they were on the right side.

You know, you're lucky if you find a seat that will actually fit without making some bracket.

Here's another question.

So, like, when I go buy, like, tires for my car, I know, like, my supposed size is 195-65, but sometimes they say, oh, you can get a 205-18.

You can get as big a tire as you can fit without it rubbing.

yeah as long as there's a little gap space right but yeah but you gotta understand though it affects

your speedometer reading will change then if you start getting way out different sizes your

speedometer reading will actually be lower than what you're actually going you'll be speeding you

won't know it so you gotta if you do change drastically from the recommended tire size you

gotta get with somebody with a regular speedometer and get beside him and find out when they're at 65

five are you at 63 are you at 59 or whatever because like the bigger tire sizes start changing

the uh right rate of rotation which is calculated by the speedometer blah blah blah or not

needless to say you got to find out what it is if you got oversized tires makes sense makes sense

okay i never thought about that because you're recounting we did all that shit when i was a kid

man you know like four wheel drives and all that crap you know you'd be out on the road and hell

you get a ticket man so you had to like know like if you put oversized tires you had to get

beside somebody and make sure you got the right setting the other thing is like whenever the

speedometer would go out then how do you know what your speed is you'd have to look at the

tachometer so like if you know about what the tachometer is it's 65 yeah my uncle had a car

like kind of guess made my uncle in puerto rico had a car like that it's old nova and the

speedometer the speedometer just went back and forth like a windshield wiper you had to go by

by the tachometer to see you'd be like it's five you had to go by the tachometer and figure out

you know how fast you were going that's the way to do it baby that's the way you did it

all right i know someone used to put a stick in their gas tank to see how much gas they had left

because the gas the old days you could man now you can't because they got that like they got

that little thing so you can't like you know siphon gas and shit in there you know like a

toilet has so it doesn't come back out and explode they got that little neck like a neck

right there right right where it goes in so you can't exactly dude and that's it makes a hell to

put sugar down inside there so you gotta like actually put it in with water now you gotta

dissolve your sugar if you're gonna do that her sugar doesn't make that much of a deal like it

just sits a sediment it doesn't really get into the into the engine or anything it just well uh

if it sits there long enough dude it's gonna dissolve dude i mean it'll sit there for a while

but i mean every time the tank is at the bottom it's gonna start pulling it in i don't know i

I read an article somewhere that said that it doesn't work like that.

You'd need a whole truckload of sugar to start fucking up a car.

It'll fuck it up, dude.

Trust me.

I mean, they can say what they want.

But if it's inside the gas tank, it will dissolve.

Trust me, it will dissolve in gasoline.

It may take a while, but every time it gets to the bottom, dude, it's going to suck that shit up.

It's going to be like paste down there.

Eventually, it's going to gum the engine up enough, it's going to fuck it.

It'll fuck up the fuel lines is what will happen.

It could.

filter you have to replace all the fuel lines in the fuel filter let's hope it does that because

if it gets past that dude you're gonna be replacing the engine yeah and then um water

isn't that big of a deal water just makes your car run funny for like a day unless you put that

shit in it to get the water out that's a good prank that's easily fixable yeah it just makes

your car go like that you know so you or it won't run it actually it may not even start it'll get

You get, like, moisture and shit on the plugs, and then the fucker won't want to start.

Yeah, all right.

Then you, man, try to, like, you know, you start in fluid, all that kind of bullshit.

I don't even know.

Everybody's got fuel injection.

If you can even do start in fluid anymore, I don't think you can without, you know, a carburetor.

So, you're fucked.

It's all computers now, man.

It's computers.

And they don't have carburetors either.

Like, fuel injection.

Yeah, all right.

Auto body or whatever type they got.

Hello?

I thought I heard an answer.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but this bomb is for you.

Oh, here comes the poison.

It's going to ring?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It didn't even ring that time, son of a bitch.

What music did I pick out today?

I forget.

I picked out some Gil Scott Heron.

It's a lot of talking.

These are the roots of rap music right here.

My accomplices are, first from left to right, Eddie Knowles.

And let me go to Lonesome's Numbo's.

And we got a Brazilian steakhouse

Located in Oakland, Oaktown

Milkman

Dude, I think I probably know that

What street is it on, Telegraph, or which one is it on?

Clay

Like MSD3 Clay without the E

I think it's downtown then, that's why

It's near Gay Street

I don't know Gay Street

It's by the Hershey Highway

Where the Chocolate Factory is

You will not be able to stay home, brother

You will not be able to plug in, turn on

Thanks for calling Galeto Brazilian Steakhouse.

How may I help you?

Oh, yeah, I'd like a little Brazilian meat.

A little Brazilian what?

A little Brazilian meat.

Yes, here is Galeto Brazilian Steakhouse.

And you bring all the meat to me?

Yes, the meat are served at the table in a ski roll.

And for the dinner, we have 12 and between 14 different cuts of meat.

All right.

Okay, all right.

I'd like to make an order then.

No, the serving style, we don't have food for people.

Yeah, one order, one meat.

No, I'm sorry, we cannot.

The serving style is just for dining.

Can they just leave the skewer with me?

Could you repeat?

Can they leave the skewer with me?

Can what?

Can they leave the big skewer with me, the big meat machine?

Yeah, the meat are served at the table.

Yeah, but what do they put the meat on?

Demi, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't understand you. Just a moment, please.

You stupid.

Fuck.

AT&T security. I need to talk to a man.

I was going to tell her, ask her if she brings it all the way from Brazil.

Because she said she brings it to the table.

The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox in four parts without commercial interruptions.

The revolution will not show you Nixon blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John Mitchell.

General Abrams and Mendel Rivers

to eat hog maws confiscated from

Harlem sanctuaries. The revolution

will not be televised. What's a hog

maw, Milkman? What's a what? Hog maw.

Hog maw. That guy just said

hog maw on the radio.

Yeah, do you have hog maw?

I'm sorry, just a moment, please.

Okay. You hung up last time, by the way,

stupid. It's the stomach of

a pig. The lining of the

stomach, which is muscular and contains

Good evening. Thank you for calling Goleto. How may I help you?

Hey, idiot. Do you have hog maw?

We do not.

Do you have beef?

Beef?

Uh-huh.

Yes, we have beef, pork, chicken, lamb, and sausage.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just about the beef.

Do you cook it with heat?

Do we cook it with beef?

Heat. With heat. With heat.

Yes, we put all of our meat on the grill.

So it gets heat? You put heat on it and apply heat to it?

Yes.

okay all right and how much do you charge for the heat we don't charge anything extra the

full radigio is 41.95 we don't charge extra for anything you don't have a heat charge

no okay what do you like the most there the picanha what's that and the lamb yeah would

you fuck it would you make a big piece and fuck it bye would i make would you make a big piece

and fuck it no i wouldn't do that to me why not it feels good i mean that's what when you get in

the dick it's me too yeah yeah um can i can they cut my meat in the shape of dildos can they do

what cut the meat in the shape of a dildo for me like your face whatever i want to know are all

those her kids in the background sound like a bunch of kids background on the playground

ground or some shit. Did you hear that?

Yes.

How many of those kids

are yours?

Armando, let your least one of them

be yours.

Hogba is known as pig stomach in

the Pennsylvania Dutch area,

which is where I'm in.

Soul Food has Hogba.

It's coupled with

chip chitlings, usually, it says.

I don't like that.

I don't like that menudo shit. I don't like any of that

stomach shit. That's why I don't know what it is.

i don't like that shit and and the yeah look see right here hog maws in puerto rico are called

guajos yeah oh i can't stand that shit it's nasty yeah ain't that stomach shit ain't the stomach i

know i'm not down with it dude i like a lot of weird shit the stomach i just don't like it

hog maws are called buche in mexico and served in tacos the texture is just disgusting to me

it's like spongy right spongy kind of yeah it's like exactly like a spongy like rubbery

the taste ain't right for it

it smells like shit

when they're cooking it smells like shit

sucks

the waste is being cooked out of it

mostly but I mean it's still in it

it's still in it

or the meat

you can wash your hands

as much as you can after you

handle a turd

but it's still going to smell like shit

try alcohol

All right, that was the Brazilian Steakhouse.

Here is Fenton's Creamery.

Did you hear what I said, Milkman, what we're calling?

Who's the screamer?

Fenton's Creamery.

Screamer.

All right.

I like screams.

I like spinners.

It's your earplug in your left ear.

Stop eating celery on the air, please.

That was a commercial for a movie called The Green Slime.

And we call this poem Omen.

Giant eyes zapped across the screen

With tentacle-type, feeler-type thin roots

Reaching for someone, maybe me

Hello, this is Fenton's Creamery. Thank you for calling.

Located at 4226 Newmont Avenue.

I'm going to follow this message with some hours and directions.

I like this one, Screamery.

We're calling Phantom Creamery, how can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order

Sure, just a moment

What would you like to order?

One ice cream

Alright, which ice cream?

Cold

Do you want to order ice cream?

One cold ice cream

Yeah, it's cold

Okay

Milkman, what do you want?

I don't know, she's like, fuck you

I want two lumps

I want two balls

Two scoops

Cherry on top.

Sprinkle on my nuts.

I mean.

Pralines.

Extra whipped cream.

Chocolate sprinkles.

Hello, this is Stenton's Creamery.

Thank you for calling.

We are located.

get the point no i don't there are a lot of all right stop eating

thank you for calling phantom screamery how may i help you yeah what happened we

got disconnected i'm confused why no it's not disconnected

Directed, you're ordering ice cream, cold ice cream.

What flavors do you want?

What flavors do you have?

We have a lot of flavors.

Do you want to take a look online?

I already did.

Sure, and which one do you want?

This one right here.

All right, do you want to talk to my manager?

Okay.

Awesome.

He's very presumptuous.

This one right here.

Deep in the fart of Texas.

No kidding.

How can I help you?

Yes, hello.

Why am I speaking to you?

What can I do for you?

I was calling to make an order.

Okay, what would you like?

One ice creams.

Okay.

We have a lot of ice creams, sir.

What would you like?

Well, she told me I could go online and look at them, right?

We do have a menu online.

You're more than welcome to go online and check it out and give us a call back.

I did that already.

I decided.

Okay.

What would you like then?

This one right here.

Sir, I will need you to give me your order so I can make that happen for you.

What would you like?

One of these ice creams right here in a cup.

sir if you can't tell me what kind of ice cream you would like i won't be able to take your order

but i'm showing it to you on the phone okay sir i'm gonna hang up unless you actually have an

order you'd like to give me milkman can you talk to her because she doesn't understand me i don't

think all right what i got someone else will i guess because you're stupid or something milkman

right here i'm gonna hang up the phone because i do not need you to insult me

Do you have an order you'd like to place?

Yes, we want two scoops

of this order here, please

I'm sorry? Yeah, just two scoops

What's her problem, dude?

Is she blind?

I heard you perfectly the first time

She must be blind

She's acting like she can't understand me

so she doesn't have to take my order

She's acting like she can't see

I heard what you said the first time, dude

You want that one right there

Minus?

Yeah, hey, Ugly. I'd like to make an order.

Okay.

All right.

So what would you like to order?

One breakfast.

Oh, sorry. We're not serving breakfast.

One dinner.

Okay.

Okay, what is it?

One meat with meat.

One meat?

Yeah, one meat dinner.

Okay.

With starch, a vegetable, and one starch.

A drink.

One drink.

No, you need to tell the name.

Protein.

Excuse me?

Protein.

No, what's the dinner you want to order?

One protein dinner.

No protein dinner?

One supplement number 12.

No protein dinner.

What kind of diners are at when they talk like that to you?

No protein dinner.

What the hell?

It's all vegetarian, vegan.

Talking about blowing the white boy away

Hello

Yeah, I was calling for an order

Yeah, what do you want to order?

One meat

I think you called the wrong number, okay?

This is the diner, Claremont Diner in Oakland

Yes, but are you like joking or are you playing with me?

No, I need one meat dinner

Okay, what's the name of the dinner?

M-E-A-T

We don't just have meat, you know, meat dinner

I don't understand what you're talking about one vegetables one vegetable like what kind of dinner would you like to order dinner?

Meat plus vegetables plus drink plus potato. Okay, hold, please. Okay

Hurry up

Oh, f*** that place.

All right, we got the Buttercup Grill.

These people are not very helpful.

I mean, they're really not interested in feeding you, Hermano.

Maybe we need Jack Masterson.

Like on a Jack Masterson cross or, you know, I don't know, dude.

All in Jack Masterson.

Maybe they'll be more sympathetic.

All right, here we go.

Oh, my God.

It is Jack.

Hi, buddy.

How you doing, big brother?

Dude, I love your diet, man.

You're only down to like 650 now, dude.

You're doing all right.

Shit.

Fuck.

Step on my toe.

Oh, fuck.

Broke it.

Got there.

Oh, man.

Step back here.

Straighten.

Buttercup girl, this is Damien. How can I help you?

Yeah, that's a little order.

Yeah, sure, I can help you, but I'm actually gonna have to put you on hold for one moment, okay?

No, no, no.

Okay, one moment.

No, no.

Hungry. Very hungry.

Me hungry.

Alright, I'll call the next one and call him back then.

Fuck a whole week.

Be hungry. Be hungry.

Very hungry.

Be hungry. Be very hungry.

And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey.

Youngsters who were programmed to continue fucking up woke up one night,

digging Paul Revere and Nat Turner as the good guys.

Thank you for calling Valley Rogers.

This is Taylor.

How may I help you?

Hi.

Hello.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm handicapped, and I wanted to come.

Do you have curbside takeout?

Um, we can do room service if you're in the Days Inn.

No, I'm sleeping in my van.

You're sleeping in where?

In my van in the parking lot.

Okay, and you wanted some food to go?

Yeah, well, I weigh 682 pounds, so, um, what you could do is bring it to my car.

okay um we kind of a liability thing for us just because we're only supposed to as

far as I know it's without my manager okay oh with my manager we're only

allowed to deliver to the actual hotel which is next door I'm staying in the

hotel parking lot it's the same thing I'm here and the hotel parking give me

one second please what's your name and number um my name is jack masterful what's jack masterful

you're gonna have to i'm sorry can you please speak louder i really can't hear you jack and

then your number uh does it not come up on the id 7272015 can you please repeat that

7272015 i can't just come inside because i weigh so much you know

I know, I just, it is like a liability for us.

No, it's not.

You're already coming to the hotel, motherfucker.

You see, I'm here now.

Hello?

Can I just talk to the manager?

I think she hung up.

I'm just going to call back.

Fuck that.

I like the driver.

That's cool.

I always do it before and after 200.

That was very good.

Jolly Rogers, this is Kylie.

Well, I got disconnected.

Can I talk to the manager?

please um he's not here right now can you take a message i heard him back there you're lying

what was that i heard him back there and you're lying you heard him back here on our line and

you're lying oh no i'm no you can come down here he's not here he's actually at his nephew's

birthday party who's in charge um we're kind of just running the well can you please let me make

an order and bring it to my van and park here at the hotel and we can't we can take it to the room

but we can't take it like out to a vehicle you can come in and pick it up

from us or we can deliver it to a room they know you don't understand I'm not

staying in the room I'm paying to be in the parking lot because I can't actually

have a restaurant and pick it up if you please shut up I can actually get out

out of the vehicle without assistance so I made a deal to just pay this park here

received from the event okay hold on one second oh how you doing will you take my order um i heard

that are you the guy who wants us to deliver yeah i'm right here in the hotel which hotel uh

the one connected to the jolly roger okay so what we need you to do if you want the food we could

take your order but what we need you to do is pull in front of the restaurant because we're not going

to go around the back and find your car and deliver to you yeah because we can't we can't

we can't leave the premises right now will you bring the food to me i'm sorry if you if you pull

up to the front of the restaurant we will bring it to you and can i stay here and eat it do i have

to move to eat it what's that can i stay to eat it or do i have to move back you have to move back

i can't just sit there and eat it not not from the restaurant all right i think that's a fair

deal i guess say it again that's a fair deal okay so i'll give you my order hold on one sec

Okay, um, I just got the confirmation from my boss, and he said that we were not able to serve you.

I heard a woman back there that said we were not doing that.

No.

Like that, right?

Is that what you mean?

We got the confirmation from the boss because I was just on the phone with my boss.

Put her on the phone.

What?

Put that woman back there on the phone.

I am not going to do that, sir.

Put her on the phone, goddammit.

I am not going to do that, sir.

You motherfucker.

Put her on the phone.

All right.

Fucking shit.

Talk to you later.

Do it now.

Bye.

Have a good day.

Whatever

I'm hungry, damn it, I'm hungry

I'm ready to eat this phone

You bastard

I've been on a diet

I haven't eaten in 15 minutes

That was beautiful, Jack

Are you the woman that said no?

Excuse me?

Are you the damn woman that said no?

Um, it's not appropriate for you to talk like that to us.

God damn it.

I'm sorry, but I'm hungry and my sugar's low.

My sugar's low.

I'm hungry.

Help.

We're hungry.

Help.

I'm tired of doing that.

I'm done with it.

In the mother country's crotch.

And behold, a baby girl was born.

Hey, keep in mind, bastards, that we're on, uh, TinyChat.

TinyChat.com slash prank call nation.

There's video

Video

Hey, hey, hey, there's video today

Video, alright

Cardino, go see him in tiny chat

He's not wearing any pants

Don't say those lies

It's true

You won't see him wearing any pants

Go look in the video

You won't see him wearing any pants

It's not true, guys

Alright, we're calling back the guy

The diner that said he was busy.

Nope, man, you do it.

You need to tell me if they go and look in the video,

they're going to see you wearing pants.

Well, you do the prank and I'll take my pants off.

Hello?

Yeah, how are you?

Can I make an order?

Sure.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

Huh?

Turn off the air conditioner.

I'm sorry, I can barely hear you.

Oh, fuck you.

You sound like shit.

All right, how about a Denny's?

Denny's, man.

Denny's.

Ooh, Denny's.

Grand Slam, baby.

This is Jack Masterson territory here, for sure.

My problem is that I'm getting bored with the whole,

oh, order one egg, one this, one that.

All right, well, Jack can take a break.

It was nice seeing Jack again, man.

No, it's not Jack.

It's the whole thing about my only idea for diners now is, like,

I just want to order meat with heat.

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, forget the meat with heat, then.

That's kind of like, you know, so 2012, man.

Why don't you go backwards a little bit?

Well, what I usually do.

Thank you for calling Danny Stein.

Your name is Liana speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, do you have potatoes?

Do I what?

Potatoes.

Do you have potatoes?

We have French fries.

Do you have tomatoes?

Yes.

Do you have peanuts?

How can I help you?

What do you want to order?

All right, I want to make an order for pickup.

Okay.

Want potatoes?

You want French fries?

Uh, no, just potatoes.

What kind of potatoes?

Cooked potatoes.

What kind of potatoes would you like?

Cooked potatoes with heat.

What else can I get you?

One tomatoes.

Mashed potatoes, one tomato, and what else?

Uh, one meat.

What kind of meat?

Hot meat.

Okay, when you figure out what you want, call me back, okay?

Don't be, don't give me that African, oh man.

Oh, she gave you that snakehead clunk.

I hung my head on video because, again,

Again, I couldn't help it, so I had to go back to it.

You went right to it, dude.

Just forget the heat check, man.

God didn't got me.

To be honest, he's not going to help me.

Yeah, can the Afro-American attitude with me, okay?

And take the order, all right?

Yeah, whatever.

Whoa, she canned it all right.

Now you've got her gander at.

Tied a ball and chain to my balls

And bounced me through a cotton field

While I lived in an unflushable toilet bowl

And now you're...

All right, here's another Denny's.

The only truth that can be delivered

To a four-year revolutionary

Hi, thanks for calling Denny's on Hagenberger.

This is Klinisha speaking.

Will this be a takeout order?

Your name is Klinisha?

Yes.

Is that like a hospital toilet kind of thing?

Sorry, could you say that again?

Is that like the hospital and the toilet that's called a Klinisha?

I think she's going to go check.

Klinisha.

Who thought of that name?

it was a chance to hit the clinician floors he loved that place so much she could name me after

hang on i gotta change the id to sassy lady

clinician's a pretty name dude it's spanish man

black after willie yesterday she'd have killed anybody who'd have gotten her way hey look i got

a tv for a pound on the head and jimmy jean got the best panamanian red no i ain't got on

No underclothes, but the hawk got to get through this gypsy road.

I think Clay got his back.

You want me to give you a to-go order?

Yeah, this is a to-go order, boy.

How you doing tonight?

I'm good.

How you doing, boy?

I just got to work.

Oh, yeah?

You feeling good taking a shower before you came to work?

I took a nice shower.

I so did.

Oh, yeah.

I feel good.

I like to jerk it in the shower.

It makes it cleaner.

You know, cleaner.

What you need today?

One eggs.

Mm-hmm.

How you like the eggs?

Cooked.

Okay.

With heat.

That's it?

One meat.

Uh-huh.

Want bread

Want potatoes

Can I get a total please

$8

Can I touch your hair

Can I touch your kinky hair

When I go pick it up

Fuck you

I was hoping you wouldn't do that

I want to hear the whole conversation

They were getting ready to hang up

She was telling him

Oh, that was Price's, dude.

That's one of those areas.

Come on in so I can get it right.

Are you the one talking crap, talking trash about me?

What are you talking about talking trash about you?

You talking trash because I was making an order.

Hold on, hold on.

Don't call here with that.

Listen.

All I said was I would have told them to come in so we could get it right.

So what are you talking about?

You were saying that you were talking trash.

When you told somebody to come in, bye.

Motherfucker.

Fucking shit.

Whatever.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, whatever.

I say the customer was a little bit irate there.

A little bit upset.

Working that snake head.

Well, yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, are you ready to apologize for the way you talk to me?

That's my apology.

We seem to have lost her there, Houston.

Oh, well.

You know what I haven't done in a while?

I haven't smoked a cigar.

Cigars.

What do you got tonight?

You got a Robusto?

What do you got tonight?

Well, I mean, I've got some in my humidor, but I don't have one on me, you know what I mean?

Oh, well, fuck you, like...

Give me a second, I'm gonna grab a cigar, I'm gonna go pee, grab a cigar, be right back, listen to this, be about a minute or two, thanks.

It's called Evolution.

Alright, I'm back.

Just a minute, please, everybody.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Toasting my cigar right now.

That's it.

I like better.

Yeah, I didn't take...

I ate cheeseburger, but it come on.

I didn't take good care of these cigars

They're splitting already

You are 300 years ahead in equality

But next summer may be too late to look back

But if it gets too dried up

It comes out like a splinter

Toothpicks about the size of what was a cigar

I thought you were just going to make a Monica Lewinsky joke

In 1600 I was a donkey

And until 1865 a slave

In 1900 I was a nigger

Let's call back that Denny's

Alright

All right.

Blow some smoke in her face this time.

Getting all uppity with you like that.

And then Malcolm came along, though I still go second class.

Whereas once I wanted the white man's...

Hey, I'd like to make an order.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing today?

I'd like to make an order.

What would you like?

One oil.

Back again, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, can I ask you a question about Malcolm X?

Try a different joke, please, man.

man. Write a word down

and then just put it on the screen

and just start with a new word that doesn't

have eat or meat or anything

about cooking in it.

Heat or meat. What else should I do?

Bathroom? I don't know, dude.

We always have done for years without

using heat or meat. That's only since 2012.

Just lately, man.

I got an idea.

Alright.

That's Sherm Cigar, dude.

You gotta quit dipping it in that stuff.

Formaldehyde.

Just off that channel, man.

No heat.

Have you ever done that, Milkman?

Have you ever done that Sherm smoke stuff?

No, I never got to do Sherms.

I did, I did, uh, I dusted before, but I never did, uh, Sherm.

You ever had dust?

Like PCP?

Yeah.

No, man.

like you know like since your guys was young man like it's been like outlawed the chemicals and

stuff fuck the real stuff it's like powder it kind of looks like a little bit like uh

man you just like snort one one fucking rail that and it burnt like hell and it tasted like

fuck dude man i remember i was walking down the road man and all of a sudden i was looking down

my feet i look like i was you ever look at through a telescope turn around backwards yeah yeah like

tunnel vision yeah like so you look like you're like instead of like you know your feet are like

just down there look like you're like 20 feet away from you know and i felt like then like i

was walking in water and i would hear the echo of my feet off the street on the like concrete of

the walls right and i kept hearing that sound that started like sound like water splashing

and after a while man i felt like i was like in my imagination i'm like i'm up to my waist in

water right and then this thing start happening where it would like somebody would like put their

hand over top of your ear you know like like you're just listening quietly put your hand over

your ear your right ear and hear the difference in the way it sounds it was in there wasn't no

way there it was just my imagination fucking laughing oh my god and we walked it must have

been like two hours dude and i think we only walked for 15 minutes it seemed like it was two

Two hours, man.

My friend Smokey did that.

He smoked weed that had PCP in it.

Angel Dove.

No, we didn't smoke it.

We just snorted a rail of it, dude.

Fuck.

Just a little-ass rail, man.

About the size of your fingernail, man.

It was fucking...

Holy shit.

It burnt like fuck.

That's all I did was one time.

I wasn't interested in it after that, man.

But it was like...

It was alright.

You ever have a bad acid trip?

Huh?

You ever have a bad acid trip?

Yeah.

When I was a kid, I did.

No hot water, no toilets, no lights.

I never really was interested after that.

I didn't really care for the effect.

Nicos, may I help you?

Hey, how you doing, honey?

Fine, how are you doing?

Uh, I could be doing better.

I'd like to make an order.

Okay, what would you like?

One malacca.

What would you like?

One malacca.

One malacca?

We don't sell that.

One pustis.

Pardon me?

Pustis.

No.

I thought you guys had Greek food here.

No, we don't sell Greek food here.

But you're Greek, though, right?

Yeah, it's a Greek name, but we don't sell Greek food.

Are you Greek?

No, I'm not.

Oh, can you put someone Greek on there?

They'll know what I'm talking about.

No, there's no Greek there.

Okay?

So what kind of people there?

We only sell American food.

What kind of people do the cooking, though?

Mexican?

Mexican.

Oh, that's disgusting people.

Okay.

Are you Mexican, then?

Oh, yes, yes.

So when you get your order, then call me back.

All right.

One.

Can I?

Oh, man.

Ask if they have any clean people.

Not them dirty Mexicans.

Yeah, hi.

Yes?

Yeah, I'd like to order one quesadilla, two tacos.

No, wait, we don't sell Mexican food.

We sell American food.

But your people are Mexican, you said, that cook there.

Well, I'm sorry, but we're not.

We don't sell Mexican food.

Well, they know.

They know what to do.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Have them make some tacos.

Come on, man.

Man, they know what to do.

They can whip up a taco, right?

A tortilla?

Yeah, just tell them to put it in a hot dog wrapper.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll take a taco and a hot dog.

You never tell?

Yeah.

It's like a soft taco.

I never going to tell.

I don't tell.

No, no.

No English.

I don't see.

See?

I don't see.

Change my caller ID.

Oh, the curse word is Spanish.

It's called The Vulture, and a lot of people think it's a poem, and after they hear me sing it, they should.

You got any jazz?

Is that what you want to hear? Fine, Milkman, we'll play jazz.

God, you're bothering me.

No, dude, I was just kind of like, I thought we were going to not have to hear the beginning of it again.

I was just kind of like, put it back on if you like it, dude, seriously.

All right, I'll start complaining about the jazz. This sucks, man.

Hello? I'd like to make an order.

Hello, hello?

I'd like to make an order.

You'd like to make an order, huh?

Yes.

Hold on for a second.

What would you like to order?

Uh, yes.

Do you have pancakes?

Yeah, we have pancakes.

Okay, I have one order of pancakes.

One or two?

One of two.

Are you the same person that called us a few minutes ago?

No, I haven't called tonight yet.

Oh, okay.

You want what?

Uh, the pancakes?

Uh-huh.

Three pancakes, a short stack, a full stack?

Short stack.

Okay, two pancakes, and what else?

Uh, one puta.

One what?

Puta.

No, we don't sell that.

Uh, one maracon.

Don't call here, okay?

You don't tell me what to do.

I'm sorry.

Fuck you, lady.

You're done.

Get out of here.

Why didn't you?

Damn.

Look, man, where are you?

I'm sitting here laughing on mute.

I said,

Mira, mira.

Mira, chocha, pestosa.

Mira.

I thought you'd be saying,

Mira, chocha.

I was like, what was that?

I was.

I was laughing.

I was like,

Mira, chocha, pestosa.

all right continuing on fog city is there a lot of fog in san francisco

but usually is it a foggy city sometimes it should be but dude it's like we're getting

like summery weather here in the middle of winter no rain no fog don't fucking complain

dude it sucks man they're like we're in a two-year drought it's like been going on almost

three years oh you want rain now now you guys want rain dude everybody wants rain because

Because everybody drinks our water.

San Francisco water is good?

Water supplied from our aquifer up here, our basin, is two-thirds of the West Coast.

Well, you guys are stupid for not using silent dissolution points.

Good evening. Thank you for calling Fart City. How may I help you?

Yeah, Fart City? Want to make an order?

Yes. I'm sorry?

Fart City, I'd like to make an order.

For a pickup?

Uh, what do you mean?

Was it an order for food?

Yeah, it goes in a container.

I'm sorry?

You put it in a container?

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Container.

Let me put you on hold for a second.

Stupid.

This is Greg speaking.

How may I help you?

I'm calling to make an order, big penis.

Oh, you heard the big penis.

You're whole.

Oh, man, look, man.

Fart City?

Hey, I'm out of bread.

whatever i'm out of bread milk i can't i can't make my uh mid-break sandwich like i always do

oh man now where'd you go milkman milky milky liquor all right now i'm here i'm muted dude

i'm talking to you i was sending you this message here this was sent in by uh j boy

i mean all right he sent in a taqueria mexico taqueria

Oh, yeah, yeah, I made a maricón.

And J-Boy wants me to do the maricón order.

Okay.

Here you go.

Pascuale.

I'd like to make order.

Okay.

Are you ready is the question.

Okay, I'm ready.

Okay.

One taco.

Yeah.

One taco de lenguas.

Okay.

For the lengua, do you want corn or flour tortilla?

De puta.

Huh?

De puta.

Okay.

De puta.

Okay, whatever.

Stupid.

This is another.

I'm going to take a break for a while because I'm starting to lose them juices.

I need another surgery.

I had a feeling that was going to happen.

I need to get sick and have another surgery and learn some funny shit.

I'd like to make an order.

Go ahead, sir.

One taco de lenguas.

Okay.

Corner flowers.

Flowers.

Taco de lengua on flour.

Okay.

Cilantro and onion or lettuce and tomato?

Yeah, everything.

Cilantro and onion?

Yeah.

Okay.

Anything else?

One puta madre.

Excuse me?

One puta madre.

Yeah, that's exactly what they're going to do.

This is a stupid idea.

Oh, no.

What a surprise.

We lost her.

The woman's like, no, no, no.

I said, I hang up.

Let's call a Hilton instead.

A Hilton.

Hilton.

J-Boy, I did what you asked, J-Boy.

Paris?

Paris, are you there?

This is your mother calling.

Look, weeping angels.

This is the cancer lady.

Jill.

It's a really dirty asshole.

Turned around once on camera.

Had a really dirty asshole.

Thank you for calling Hilton Garden in Amarillo, Sierra.

Is there a bus?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this, um, you know how you got that really big toilet here that you can walk in?

You know, you had that really big toilet you can walk into that doesn't flush?

I know I don't.

Um, how do I flush this toilet?

I don't want to talk, clunk.

What did I say?

I don't want to work.

Yeah, I don't want to work, really.

That's Emeryville, dude.

I know where that is.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I am Kanye.

You just hit jazz.

Everyone hates me, but I'm a genius.

I'm a gay fish and I'm Aquaman.

I think it's funny when they say that, but I really get really pissed off.

Guest services, this is Jessica.

How can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see if I could speak to someone in charge of the bathrooms.

I'm sorry, someone in charge of the what?

The bathrooms.

When you say in charge of the bathrooms, meaning who cleans them or?

Who makes them go.

Who makes them go?

You want to speak to somebody who's in charge of the bathrooms that makes them go?

I don't think I understand what you're saying.

You know how the bathroom goes when you're using it?

It goes?

No, I don't.

I don't know about that.

You're not toilet trained?

No, I'm not.

Oh, because you're a negress.

Is that something that...

I'm sorry?

Because you're a negress.

Do you have a bathroom in the lobby?

No, we don't.

Where's the public bathroom?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure where it would be.

Oh, God.

I'm smoking weed.

Okay.

I'm smoking in the bathroom.

Well, you know, I actually see the number that you're calling from and the number that's on file.

Well, I'm blocking you.

Yeah, I don't think you're calling from here.

I'm blocking you.

Well, no, you thought you were blocking me, but what you didn't know is that when you call a hotel,

we have the same registry that's just like when you call 911.

So I'm actually going to go ahead and connect your call over to there.

No, no, no, no, please.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so quit messing around and call our hotel.

No, please, come on.

Don't tell my mom, please.

Okay, look, please.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry about it because I'm getting ready to connect it to you to the Emeryville PD right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry.

He loves the Carlito gas.

That'll be my last words

I just connected him already to the police department.

I was calling back.

Please, I'm sorry.

So, stop messing around.

Yeah, but don't tell my mom.

Don't tell my mom.

I'm not going to call you.

I'm not going to tell your mom, but I've actually already reported it.

The call has already went through.

I'm looking at the other line now.

No, come on.

Just don't tell him it was an accident.

Okay, thank you.

Have a good day.

No, no, no.

I'm transferring you right now.

No.

Transfer me.

She can transfer me on one.

I'll talk to 911 on her, then.

Don't transfer me.

I'm scared.

Please.

Whatever.

Next milkman.

Next.

Who do we call next milkman?

We done called all the Mexicans.

We done called Emeryville PD.

Have we called Vietnamese yet?

No, we haven't.

All right, let's call Vietnamese then.

Foe?

Foe or foe?

Foe.

Foe?

Fight, foe.

Fight.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Miss Saigon.

Shut up.

I'd like to make an order.

Hi, Miss Saigon, can I have you?

I'd like to make an order.

Yes, who would you like?

One foo.

What would you like?

One foo.

What kind of foe?

Foe.

Phu. No, Phu. Phu?

Phu, I mean, you want a noodle soup, right?

No, I want Phu.

And what do you like?

Phu, Phu.

What is that? Speak English.

I am. It's Vietnamese, you idiot, and it's Phu.

It's not Phu. You want Phu, right? It's not Phu?

Phu. Phu.

I think you don't know what you ordered.

Listen, you need to learn that you went in a Vietnamese restaurant, and they call it Phu.

Oh, what?

Phu.

What is that? Can you speak English?

Phu, Phu, Phu, Phu.

It's called Phu, right? Noodle soup, right?

No, phu.

It's phu.

And I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

All right.

One noodle soup.

You want beef noodle soup?

Yeah.

One stupid Vietnamese food.

Thank you.

Please don't ever say that.

Okay.

Sorry.

We deny your business.

Stupid Vietnam, bitch.

Oh.

Don't ever say that.

Don't ever say that again.

We deny your business.

Don't speak of the king of Vietnamese.

We're reporting to the king of Thailand.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling me, Saigon.

The king of Vietnam is an asshole.

Okay, thank you.

We asshole.

Thank you very much.

Okay?

I just wanted you to know.

I take the word asshole, okay?

We kicked your ass in World War II.

Thank you.

I take the word asshole, okay?

All right, asshole.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Now she's really friendly.

We kicked your ass in World War II.

Yes, that's right.

Bye-bye, Bitsycon.

Bitsycon, can I help you?

Can I take your order?

We have no food.

We have four.

You like noodle soup you know me or so she told me speak American

She was actually being on purpose

Sorry milkman, no offense. All right

Here for Enigma

Yeah, what you like to a place

All right. Do you have lamb Rogan Josh?

Yeah, we do.

All right. One of those?

Yeah.

All right. One tandoori chicken, spicy?

Yeah, one tandoori chicken, one lamb Rogan Josh, yeah.

All right. One bhenchod?

Sorry?

Bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Uh-huh.

What type? From the back and front?

From your sister.

That's a good man.

Bring her here. Come front with your sister.

Sorry?

Bring sister. Come front. Bring sister and I bhenchod.

They're good, and you don't have a sister?

Just bring it, man.

No, your sister.

No, no, your.

Okay, I'd also like to make an order of marachot.

Yeah, you have mother?

Pardon?

Where's your mother? Where's mother?

No, I like your mother, man.

No, bring mother, come front.

Yeah, I like your mother.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

All right, that's it.

That's all we got.

Why you don't get mad?

I like it.

Why you not get mad?

Why should I mad?

Because I say bad words.

Oh, is it okay, man?

It's a word.

We should be good, you know?

Oh, I wish more of your people understood that.

Yeah, why should we go into the mad, man, buddy?

I know, right?

Never, never, never.

Why should we go into the mad?

It's just words, right, buddy?

Huh?

It's just words, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, hang on.

I'm going to call someone else, okay?

I'll go.

I'm going to call for more banchos.

Do you know the people on Margaret Street?

Sorry?

Oh, you're on Margaret Street.

You have two phone numbers?

Hello?

Bye.

If you're not going to get mad, I'm going to let you go.

Okay, then.

Bye.

Thanks, mate.

All right.

Well, sorry that didn't work out.

Nice to talk to you.

All right.

Bye.

Let's go say patch in the Turkish kitchen, man.

I was trying to patch in another place.

Get horse cock on there, man.

Get him screaming.

Horse cock.

Yeah.

Onassis.

Good morning, Indian.

Yeah.

Namaste.

I'd like to make an order.

Yeah.

Okay.

One tandoori chicken.

Spicy.

One tandoori chicken.

Spicy?

Yeah.

Alright.

One papadums?

One papadums, yeah.

One sister?

Sorry?

One sister?

One sister for me to chod?

One?

For me to chod, yeah.

Okay.

If you want to call, don't call on no number, okay?

Just make your number visible, okay?

No, come front and show me.

Okay, just show me your number, okay?

Then you can call, okay?

I come front.

Put your phone, fucking idiot.

I come front and come and show you my number.

Fuck you.

I'll show you how to f**k.

F**k you f**king.

No, you f**k.

F**k you.

I'll straight away call the police, okay?

No.

Don't call again.

F**k you.

Straight away calling police, okay?

Mother b**ch.

Straight away calling, calling.

F**k you.

Come here.

F**k you.

I'll show you.

Just come here straight away.

If you have, just come here straight away.

Okay, I come.

F**k you.

I have balls.

You have balls?

Just come.

I'll call the straight away police.

Just come here.

F**king what are you understanding?

standing, wanting anywhere, just don't

number anything, whatever you want to say.

Come here, fucking idiot.

Fucking idiot, just leave it, fucking.

Come here, straight away.

If you have, if you have anything, just come

here straight away and just talk to me, okay?

Come here, straight away. Bring your

mother. Fucking. I expect mother.

Oh, my.

Worked up into a steamy froth

there, hermano. Expertly

handled. He's going to take,

he's going to go take his heart

pills right now. He has nitroglycerin under his tongue as we speak. Angina is hitting him.

Hello? Yes? Yeah, I come with, I come front. Bring, bring your sister so I can fuck her and then I

come front, okay? Hello? Yeah, bring sister when you, when I come front. Bring sister for me when

I come front. Fucking? For fucking, yes. Just call from your mobile number or whatever, okay?

Okay, just straight away call the police.

Don't call here.

What I say?

Don't call here again.

Shut up, animal.

Okay, cut, phone.

You animal.

Just stop calling.

I'm going to call police.

Fucking, yeah, fucking.

That's what he said.

He just said fucking.

He can't even say anything for it.

Fucking.

Okay.

Yeah, we could use some of his script there for another promo.

That'd be great.

Some say fucking.

Hi, this is Madhouse.

Hi, this is Madhouse calling.

I'm like, don't fucking call here again.

I call the police.

Afternoon, I choose how may I help you?

Oh, hey, sexy.

I'd like to make an order.

Yes, sure.

Okay.

One chicken.

What exactly in chicken?

Tandoori.

Chicken tandoori?

Uh-huh.

All right.

Okay.

One sister.

Sorry?

One sister.

One sister for me to make chod with.

Just a moment.

Okay.

You want tandoori chicken half or full?

Full.

All right.

And then your sister for me to make chod.

Bhenchod.

What exactly are you talking about?

You know what is Benchot?

Oh my!

I think she has a hint.

What exactly is it you're talking about?

We're heading to Edge.

We're heading out.

This place is called Edge Hills.

It almost sounds like Benchot.

Let's call the last guy back.

See if he's settled down a little bit.

Show.

Fuck you fucking.

Go from mobile phone to breadcrumbs.

Fuck it.

Just come down here.

He ain't gonna pick up.

We're sorry.

You're called.

He ain't gonna pick up.

He's over there pissed off.

let's put that one on the re-dialogue for a later time and for later on like another show

or later tonight maybe like in an hour maybe i'm a gay fish yo

all right we got more indians we can keep doing indians we got a lot of indians from lonesome

actually this one worked out pretty good man here this is up to a nice boil yeah all right

Here's an India dine-in and takeaway.

Let's try that.

Can I help?

Hey, I'd like to make an order.

Yes, please.

Yeah.

Do you speak Hindi?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

All right.

So, one chicken tandoori.

Yes.

One papadum, papadums.

Yep, just give me a...

Yep.

So, one tandoori chicken.

One papadums.

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

One chud.

Sorry?

One chod?

C-H-O-D, chod?

Sorry, what is it?

What kind of chod do you have there?

Hello?

Hello, yes?

What kind chod do you have?

Sorry, could you please spell...

Bhenchod?

Hello?

Yeah, what kind of bhenchod do you have?

Sorry, I'm not getting what you're saying.

Do you know what is bhenchod?

Bhenchod?

Sorry?

Do you know what is bhenchod?

Sorry, I don't know.

Oh, shit.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Sorry?

Is there a man I can talk to?

Ah, sorry.

There's no one else up here.

Oh, you're by yourself?

You want to have sex?

Whatever.

I don't want to mess with the women because they're all like, no, no, you know.

She knew she was just fucking pretending like she didn't,

so she could pretend you're in the States and play this stupid bitch.

She wasn't playing, man.

What a bitch.

Yeah, could you see?

She said, I don't know what it is.

As soon as you heard her say it, you could tell she knew.

We got a hotel in Australia.

Let's see what's going on.

Hi, Telemata speaking.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, do you have towels?

Sorry?

Do you have towels?

Towels?

Yeah.

What for?

So I can smoke in the room and put them under the door.

No one smells.

I'm sorry.

We have no rooms here at the Islandstown Hotel.

And unfortunately, due to government legislation, you cannot smoke in any rooms in Queensland.

No, but I disable the fire alarm systems when I come in.

Well, I'm sorry.

You cannot do that.

I know how.

I use my laptop and I do it.

Oh, but that is illegal.

No.

Come on.

Please.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

No, thank you.

Goodbye.

Please, come on.

No, no, no.

That's not illegal.

Come on, baby.

I'll give you a hit, baby.

Come on.

All right.

We'll party.

We'll share.

We'll take your hot Aussie ass on.

Just because they're Aussie doesn't mean they're hot.

Rendon speaking.

Hey, how do I disconnect the fire alarm?

How do I disconnect the fire alarm?

Why do you want the fire alarm to be disconnected?

So I can smoke my drugs in the room.

I'd appreciate it if you'd smoke your drugs out in the smoking area.

Well...

Just disconnecting the fire alarm.

But it's not the kind of stuff you can just smoke in the open, you know?

Well...

You can smoke yourself, will you, faggot?

What? Did you call me a faggot?

No, I didn't call you a faggot.

What did you say? That I can do what?

Who is it?

That I can do what myself?

You can smoke it wherever you want to smoke it.

Oh, yeah? You want to smoke some with me?

We're smoking in your house?

Not really, not in my house, no.

Do you have a wife?

Yeah, I do.

do oh do you like to pork her um that's up to you do you like to pork her i'm asking why is it up to

me if you pork your wife or not who's calling eddie eddie who eddie loyola and how can i help

you eddie well i want to pork your wife now that you mention it you said i could come over your

house and smoke my drugs okay if you can find my wife to go for it mate i can pork her all right

why does she not she got problems yeah does she use a hatachi does she use the hatachi magic wand

Have you tried that yet?

I'm a bit busy for this, so listen, how about you try somebody else like that?

Okay, but hey, I'm going to bring the Hitachi Magic Wand.

You can see it, see how it works.

Okay, no worries at all.

You plug it into the wall, you don't even need batteries.

You have a great day.

All right, bye.

Whatever.

What a fruit.

I'm telling you.

He didn't seem too concerned about the alarm after we started talking,

after he started telling you about his wife.

Nope, nope, nope.

No, he did not.

Let me go back to Lonesome Loser and get some more numbers that he has sent.

Mr. Dwight is also sending in numbers, and I'm very excited about those.

We got goats for sale, Milkman.

Goats, little baby goats.

Oh, wow.

They don't sound like that.

They go moo.

Moo.

Dude, there was this one cow on our property in Puerto Rico, and he didn't just moo.

Well, she didn't just moo.

She was like, moo!

Like, all the fucking, it was like, God, chill out.

She would wake your ass up.

Really?

should we get like right behind my window and be like

males usually do that shit i've never heard the females do it but i always heard males do that

shit maybe it was maybe it was a bull i don't know he didn't oh i heard males do that shit

yeah that's it yeah that was it that was it like that yeah use the males do that

i don't know if that's like the part of the mating thing or not they don't do it always but

yeah yeah there was one boy cow he was kind of he was kind of chill he was never mean like i used

used to be able to go to panama it probably was a male then maybe it was doing that i've always

heard males do that shit he was like wake the fuck up yeah real high man yeah it was it was

louder than the roosters were fuck yeah dude it was like shake your ears if you're standing right

by him and i know it's tough we got a different motive oh this is the same one i don't want to

bother that guy again um goats so goats for sale milkman for a dollar oh will they mow your lawn

man do they like fertilize it too i take a shit right see you know how it works it's nature's

cycle well there's service your grass i shit upon your lawn more grass i shit upon your lawn

some cities right now you can like rent like guy will come out and bring his goat on your property

and he'll just eat and fertilize right there instead of getting it you know what i mean

all mowed and stuff oh yeah man just take your pit bull out there and go play with the goat

hello yes you have goats um i do oh what can you tell me about them um well are you wanting

to buy them well that's what i'm calling well they're actually sold as of right now but if

something happens i'll let you know fucking shit that's bullshit you know that's some

fucking bullshit horse shit right there are they frisky you heard it back there who is yeah i was

listening dude i was trying to zoom in fuck dude i thought we was gonna hear it man but they hung

Well, we got a second number.

I'm guessing it's his.

Let's try this main number again.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't appreciate you leaving the ad up if you sold those motherfuckers already, you know?

You need to get some more billy goats to sell to me, motherfucker.

You're going to be in some trouble, boy.

I'll fuck you up, man.

You want to meet at Walmart?

Yeah.

And BB?

no you bring the goats i'll fuck your girl then you then the goats in that order and then milkman

is gonna film it right milkman that's right motherfucker your beef is with milkman not me

fucks your problem anyway man what you got against goats why not why do you fuck a hole's a hole

has to be better than that old lady you've been hanging around with you hear her lame ass

That's what the fuck is that shit all about?

What's that bitch all about?

We go against goats anyway.

The hell you care.

What the fuck they do with us?

Once we buy them goats, they're ours.

And we fuck them all or we won't.

Makes the meat taste better.

What the hell?

You should know that, you fucking goat farmer idiot.

Tenderize that meat.

Goats really don't mind.

They just kind of stay there.

Like, hey, whatever.

Sir.

You going to bring the fucking goats or what?

Come on, I got a show here.

Pick up your knucklehead.

Are you going to yell or curse or should I just move on?

I think he's in there fucking a goat.

The old lady too stupid to fuck, that's for sure.

Probably smells like a goat, that lady.

Yeah, that's how you're playing with it.

Fucking homosexual.

Who is this?

Your first man.

You prefer men over goats, don't you, you fucking homo?

Well, would you rather fuck a man or a goat?

A girl or a goat?

Tell me who this is.

Who the fuck is this?

I'm Eddie.

What do you got against goats?

I'm Eddie, and that's Jen Stewart you're talking to over there.

No donkeys, please.

No more donkeys, no donkeys.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, honey, how are you?

Your husband is really pissing me off, man.

I got your husband on the other phone, and he's pissing me off.

He's got against goats.

Hello.

Y'all are really fucked up.

We just want to fuck goats.

That's none of your business.

Do you know someone else who has goats that we can fuck?

We got you stupid motherfuckers.

Get a goddamn fucking woman fucking mind.

Some people have a goddamn stupid motherfuckers.

I do.

I'm on the company dole, though.

Makes the meat taste better.

I'm on disability.

Yeah, and Milkman says it tastes better than meat.

Whatever.

i don't know i called the other number

she picked up who knows yeah all right we got adorable baby pygmy goats what's pygmy they just

don't have no melanin melanin pygmy you said pygmy yeah that means they're like white no no no no

they're like they're tiny they're undersized oh i thought pygmy meant like albino no oh doesn't

mean the same thing albino is albino pygmy is like tiny pygmies are like a tribe of africans

are like about like what typically four feet and under oh okay well that's very rude so anything

you hear pygmy is is like you know off of that name you know being undersized it's all like

saying oriental goat siamese goat because they're stuck together all right pygmy is tiny all i know

normally that's what that reference is forwarded to an automated voice messaging system i guess

if you're the five foot pygmy buddy you'd be like a fucking emperor pygmy world you know you'd be

the king of the pygmies you'd be a fucking hamper dude you'd be like ruling the world you know

imagine if you're like as tall as shack you'd be like two feet taller than a normal person you know

oh shit shack yeah i'm the king of the pygmies i can't throw foul shots yeah yeah i'm superman

i can't probably have been forwarded to an automated voice messaging nothing there i could

i can jump i can jump i can jump i can dunk i can dunk a basketball i wear michael jordan tennis

shoes i can jump i'm shack he has his own shoes shack does what are you talking about

i'm just making a joke about went from shack to jordan or jordan to shack remember his second

shoe hat was the insta pump that was the shit back then man because you didn't have to sit

there and pump it you just plugged the thing in and went but does it really work or is it just

so you have something to play with on your shoe to charge an extra 120 dollars for i think it was

just like a a gimmick i mean i guess it would kind of maybe it was a gimmick right basically

it was a toy gimmick right i mean i mean it does make them give it it didn't improve your performance

one bit right this makes it a little tighter maybe i don't know if it's more support but

a lot i know a lot of those cats the basketball players the pros they like to tighten their laces

really tight they say like to the point where it's like really tight so i guess the pump would

make that a little easier i thought the pump was supposed to go underneath the bottom of your heel

and like make it springy or some bullshit no i think i don't i never had a pair i never wore

Or a pair of pump shoes.

But I think it was just so like it kind of contracted more on the ankle.

Oh, you're talking about like on top.

Okay.

I thought there was a different version maybe then.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because the pump, the ball or the Instapump thing was always on the tongue.

Remember?

I think it just inflated the like the interior of it.

So it would kind of.

Knowing me, I would probably pop it.

I'd be like walking with like, oh, shit.

You just see all this shit come out.

that's what it sounds like airbag explosion like oh man carl's feet just exploded i just blew that

all with it sorry man all right we got we got a 13 and a half hand hunting mule hunting mule

i gotta find out about the hunting mule fucking wild rabbit hunting mule

retrieve the ducks for you like a hunting dog does oh no no you can shoot it won't get scared

What do you need it for?

She's been hog hunted and coon hunted off of for years.

Right, you can hunt off the back of the animal and it won't run from the gunshots.

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, what's the hunting mule do?

Like, do you bring it with you when you go hunting?

Do you whip it?

Huh?

Did you say, do you whip it?

Do you bring it with you when you go hunting?

Does it retrieve the, like, if you shoot a duck, does it retrieve it?

Molly, what does she do?

it's a mule yeah but why is it a hunting mule do you you ride the mule into the woods and then

start shooting around yeah we hunt off of it we go catch wild hogs why wouldn't you just use a

horse though those horses are too skittish you gotta use a mule they're more uh sure footed but

all those troops all those years use horses on you run horseback you know like have you know

like cavaliers what were they who were the ones that were on horseback always have we mounted no

No, no, but there was the ones that shot.

Dragoons.

Like dragoons?

No, dragoon.

A dragoon.

Not a dragon.

A dragoon.

The horse wouldn't run away when you shot while you were riding it.

If not, then you would have to ride the horse into battle, get off, and start shooting.

Yes.

Yeah?

We have battles with wild people.

They try to kill us.

So we get on those pigs, and we grab them by their feet, and we tie them up with string.

And we go to war with these wild hogs.

Do you fuck them?

Yeah, that's what I was about to tell you.

I was just about to get to that part.

Yeah, but you can only fuck, like, because, like, the boy pigs, like, boy hogs, they have, like, a spiral dick.

You can't really do much with it.

But you get that dick of yours up inside a nice sow.

Like this.

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just like your mom.

You know what the bad part about doing a pig?

What?

Is the squeal on you.

I like that sound, though.

Milkman, give me some squeals.

Watch.

Like that.

Oh, yeah.

Just gets my dick hard just thinking about it.

Are y'all in Canada?

Is that where y'all live at?

No, no, no.

United States of America.

Oh, man.

Y'all's number says Canada.

Well, I'm going to change my ID.

I'm not going to just do prank calls and let everyone know where I am.

Check this out.

You got me on speakerphone?

Yeah.

Me?

Y'all ready?

I'm about to bust it.

All right.

Y'all ready?

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

The woods all night long.

We some straight up fucking crackers in these sticks.

Be gone.

We got them four wheel drives, baby.

Pigs in the back.

Shooting dogs or crap, baby.

How you like that?

Eating corn bees.

The motherfucking hash thing hates my ass.

Going deep in the sticks.

What'd I do?

I'm not rapping gangsta.

I like the Hicks part.

Hulk killer on the back of the mule.

Yeah, baby.

You're on an internet radio show.

You were just heard by 2,000 people.

Do you have a website to follow?

Threaten it, baby.

I was on the internet.

Yeah, do you have a website to follow?

Let me try to bust off one more if I'm on the internet.

All right.

How many people do you think?

How many people's listening?

1,902 people.

All right, tell them to get ready.

All right.

All right, hold on.

Hey, let me go out on the front porch because my wife's asleep.

sleep and if she hears me busting off this flow she'll get pissed off and i'll get in trouble

was that your was that your rap that wasn't that rhymey i might not get my allowance if my wife

wakes up oh yeah you won't be able to get any pee yeah all right d go out on the porch and then i'll

give you the website where you can see you can hear yourself all right y'all ready yeah we do

it in the dirty south my name's kd i'm a redheaded cracker from academy i put it down for my town put

it down for my clique coming straight up i don't give a shit running hogs all day running hogs all

all night we got 50 dogs and you know that's right i dropped eight fucking grand on my goddamn deal

at the feed store and i'm fucking for real coming straight from the woods and y'all niggas don't

know it was coon dr red crack country flow sitting in the river and i'm flowing like a kite kd to

crack i do it all damn night you know i ain't right you know my shit's tight we woods and i'm

about to take my shit back to my place where i dang dang and i lift up the skirts i lift up the

skirts because i'm the big man it's coon dr crack me land i'm a straight up soldier my daddy's in

in the pan for smoking too much doze you're coming straight from the south and you don't know why

and i gotta get by i do it every damn day you do it every damn night it's

nice that's nice i like it

cracker man a redhead cracker hey i i can't breathe man shit i bust that flow so hard like

a heart attack i was pretty good jimmy mathis i'm fucking racing now man can i can i give you

your other radio show website can you go to it now i want to make sure you get to it and see

you can hear yourself and see all the people they'll be no why not no man man out here we

don't even have so far deep in the country man we call it for love on your phone on your phone

your smartphone you have smartphone no no it's one of those dinosaur flip phones that sucks all

right well then i guess you know i guess you won't have you get we'll get your big break then

because everyone's in the chat room now saying whoa yeah man you got a good following so far man

hog hunting yeah all right dinner y'all want to go y'all want to go get on a big hog with the dog

or what yeah i'll go fuck i would in a minute what do you guys shoot them with what are you

shooting with man 30 30 what no we don't shoot them we let the dogs catch them and then when

the dogs catch them we run in there on our feet and we pull these motherfuckers like linebackers

and tie them up with string.

You're crazy rednecks, man.

What the fuck, man?

Those fucking things got the tusks on them, though.

Shit.

It's like riding bulls, man.

It's all about the adrenaline rush.

You might get cut.

Fuck yeah, man.

That's all part of it.

It's like rodeo, motherfucker, USA.

Now, you guys got those ones that are mixed in with the Russian ones?

They got those badass, like, Siberian ones that are getting mixed in?

Is that the kind you guys got?

Yeah, man.

We got them with the hair standing up on the back.

Razorbacks.

Motherfuckers, that's it.

That's it.

Yeah, they'll fuck you up.

We're doing it for real.

We're fucking the dirty staff.

All right.

Well, I will give you the website to our show.

Yeah, man.

All right.

What's the website?

We're on the Glory Hole Foundation show.

Glory Hole Foundation.

Yeah.

And it's gloryholefoundation.com.

Is this some kind of prank?

No, no.

Seriously, we're the Glory Hole Foundation show.

We do prank calls and stuff like that.

We have a really good time.

Every night we have a show.

At 11 o'clock at night, on Sunday night.

Uh, yeah.

It's usually when we do it.

And y'all are trying to call the people while they're trying to sleep, get ready to go.

Yeah.

It's the best time.

Have y'all ever went out in the parking lot and y'all's tires were pumped or your windows were busted out?

All the time.

That's why I do it.

Y'all are going to be crazier than us, man.

But, hey, I'll tell you what.

If y'all want to come down here, jump out of some helicopters on some pigs, man, try to ride down a Razorback, put that shit on the air.

What the fuck, dude, man?

This is harsh, man.

Man, I definitely want to go.

I'm down.

You can't jump out of a helicopter.

You're going to the blades, dude.

No, I'm going to watch them jump, man.

Oh, yeah.

I ain't going to jump out.

Fuck no, man.

All right, well, listen, gloryholefoundation.com.

I want to take a knife out and cut his throat, man, that fucking hog.

No, you just jump out with the knife in your mouth and land on him.

You slice their throat or what do you do?

You strangulate them?

What do you do?

Stab them in the heart?

What?

Yeah, you get them by the back feet.

Like, say y'all two was out there.

One of y'all run around, grab him by the back feet.

The other one's going to take the knife, go right behind that front shoulder,

and, I mean, just, you know, cut in there until that blood starts pouring out on your hand.

And then that's when you see that steam.

When you see that steam start coming out of that heart, man, that's for real.

That's when you know you're living.

So you got all the way in.

So you got to get a joint right behind the shoulder.

That's where it's at.

Okay, that makes sense.

Right up under the rib cage almost.

All right.

Behind the guts.

All right.

Well, you got the website?

Yeah, gloryhill.com.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, gloryholefoundation.com.

All right.

Can I entertain anyone or not on y'all's website?

Well, you got to go and find out.

Can you go there now or you can't?

Oh, man, I'm headed that way.

Hurry up.

I just want to make sure you get in.

Y'all think y'all can help me make it big in my crunchy rap tune career?

Yeah, because we got people in L.A. and stuff listening right now, man.

We got people in the business.

You know Busy Bone?

Fuck yeah, I know Busy Bone.

Yeah.

Bone Thugs and Party?

Yeah, from Bone Thugs.

Well, he's not with Bone Thugs anymore, but yeah, he's down with us.

I don't think he's probably down with, like, this country stuff.

Oh, he loves crazy shit.

Dude, there's two dudes butt-fucking each other in the ass.

Yep, that's the site.

What the fuck is this about?

Just close the window, and you get past that, the banner, and you'll get in.

What in the fuck type of, you know, stream page is this?

You got to close the windows, the window.

You got to close the one window, and it's behind it.

I think she just fucked your phone up, dude.

It's a virus.

It's a phone virus the phone virus. Yep. I gave you a phone virus. So what happens the phone fuck?

Probably you could try to take the battery out and restart it. All right

All right, and then go the second time the site will work. Okay, buddy

All right big up see you man you made it

man oh shit this guy is cool man he's a fucking hilarious original man this fucking guy was funny

man i liked him give him a phone virus smoke man he's like faux virus oh no he's like actually

genuinely concerned for his his phone oh man i got a phone oh no he had a pretty good rap though

did you hear it man that was pretty good the second one was even better man it doesn't sound

like a gimmick at all man not at all man anyway dude he really does sound nuts man keep his number

man i will oh we're gonna take a break right now milkman you're gonna hang on for the break after

the break i'm gonna open up the skype we're not gonna have too many people on because we end up

with too many people and it's it gets a little crazy every time that happens dude i like like

my bandwidth drops out because like when you have about like three or four people what happens is i

I just can't hear nothing, and then my connection drops.

I think many people, I just cannot hear anything.

That's why I just shut up, because when I talk, no one hears me.

All right, I know Neon asked me if she could join.

I'll put her on.

Dwight's out there.

He's sending in some numbers.

We'll have Neon and Dwight.

Anyone else who wants to join in?

There's only a few seats up, because I can't fill it up too much,

unless people take breaks, you know, people leave and let other people in,

because it gets crazy.

It gets crazy.

I'm telling you, you guys are crazy.

That's my experience, dude.

I try to listen, but it'll just die after a while on me.

That's why after a while I just give up because it's like, you know.

I don't have to end with support by four people, I would guess, at least.

Because when it gets loaded, I can't hear nothing.

Gotcha.

But when we come back, we've got more Indian restaurants that I didn't call already.

Getting more numbers from Lonesome Loser.

I'd like to call that Indian guy back from earlier.

Dwight's sending in numbers.

Off of the Dashie tool, people selling a lot of shit also off of Craigslist that we got here.

We got a lot of stuff to get to, and I'm in no rush to get off the air tonight.

So, yeah, we can just have a good night tonight, eh?

Yeah, I'm going to make some tea so I can get a little jazzed up.

Yeah, you can get some tea in me.

All right.

I'm going to try and hang on, dude.

I hope I can listen, dude, because I'd like to hear the conclusion to some of these calls.

We had some pretty good stuff so far, man.

All right, I'll be right back.

Hang on, Milkman.

Hang on, everybody else.

We'll be right back in a few.

you're listening to madhouse live live in the nation prank call nation

radio will be back right after this

online at madhouse live.com

madhouse radio will be back right after this

you know what i hope that when you die they put your gps in your box door at the bottom

So when you die, you open a tractor at the bottom, you chase, and you go straight down.

Bad House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Yeah, I miss to my nigga old.

I miss you niggas.

I went out to all of your niggas that died in struggle.

Hold up.

Fuck you, bitch.

Motherfucker.

Shit is real in the field, you know?

Sparking bloods for all you niggas.

Hold up.

All right, this will be part two of the show, Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio for March the 8th.

I guess we're actually March the 9th now, but technically it's the show for March the 8th.

Thanks for tuning in.

I'm here joined with Milkman.

Milkman, Neon's here.

Neon?

Hello, hello.

Dwight's here.

Dwight?

Evening.

And Llama Liquor's here.

Llama?

Hello.

Thanks for having me.

Welcome to the show, Llama.

Yeah.

Yeah, Milkman Lama's a new guy.

He showed up.

How long have you been on the air, like, doing little things here?

And they're like, last two weeks now, maybe?

Two and a half weeks, I think, was first time on with, what's his face, Jaya?

Yeah, about two weeks, yeah.

He had me on, what, two weeks ago?

Yeah, about two weeks, yeah.

Good.

Well, welcome to the Madhouse Show.

All right.

Man, I have to hear some of this stuff.

Yeah, we got numbers out the wazoo to get to here.

I say we don't hesitate.

Dwight, you want to try to see if you can talk to that Indian guy

that was extra angry at me earlier?

He was not very pleased.

Oh, shit.

Come for a number.

Fucking, fucking,

fucking, fucking.

Let me try to scuff up the caller ID

and see if it comes up as something for him.

I was going to tell Milkman,

if you look on A&E,

American Hoggers,

you can watch what that redneck was fucking talking about.

They go around,

but they don't use horses they use like atvs and shit and they let their fucking dogs loose on

these big ass boars it's like cheating though man you can't do that oh they're talking shit

then off the tv show i've never seen this i don't get any cable i only get off air all i get is off

air yeah gotta get some torrenting going on well yeah you're on mobile it's hard to do torrenting

on mobile yeah you know what but eventually i'll be able to catch up to that man what's the name

Name of that show again?

American Hoggers?

Yeah, American Hoggers.

Thanks, bro.

This is a show for everything now, man.

I'm telling you.

Oh, shit.

All right, let me find that number and we'll do it.

See if Dwight can get a little bit of heat in there.

Heat in that hole.

The guy had a pretty good line of rapping, though.

I mean, you know.

Oh, that guy from earlier.

Yeah, that guy was cool.

Until I got him his phone virus.

He's like, uh.

The fuck is this?

Man, there's two guys.

Fuck.

he's quite the interesting character though maybe we could get him the pcn

kd what he said kd the cracker the red-haired cracker he said kd the red-haired cracker he's

gonna need a new name around here though because that sounds too much like kdk bro all right here

here's the indian guy though in australia hello yeah i'd like to make an order to come collect

straight away what are you i'd like to make an order hello yes can you hear me yeah yeah i would

would like to make an order please yeah uh do you have papadums uh we have but sorry if we are not

taking any order from the no number if the number is visible then we can take the order i i guess

i'm not following what i mean yeah okay so you have to call from your visible number from no

number okay yeah but my number is visible you bench hold motherfucker yeah what i said to you

Yeah, no, I'll come through there and fuck your sister right in front of you.

This is your last call, I'm hoping, okay?

Otherwise, I'm straight away complaining, okay?

I'll come straight away, you open the door for me.

Don't disturb me, what I said to you, you motherfucker, if you want to come, just come here straight away.

If you dare, just come here, don't call on no number or whatever, just come straight away here.

I will fuck you with your, I'll fuck you without a condom.

You fucking idiot, coward, fucking.

Don't push your shit in.

You coward, fucking.

Oh, man.

He was not very happy.

Oh, shit.

I love that guy.

Fucking, fucking.

You coward, fucking coward.

You come here straight away, fucking.

Get here and get more elevated and more elevated again.

Hello?

Hey, yes.

Do you have my number now, fucker?

Fucking, just call from your real number.

Don't put any S-I-J number, okay?

Yeah, stupid.

If you are a coward, you are a coward.

You fucking idiot.

If you are, just call from your mobile, real number.

Don't call from your, like, wrong number, okay?

Like this, that, one, one, one, like that.

It's your phone.

Call from your mobile number and just talk with me.

Your phone.

I will come here straight away.

I will show you who am I.

Fucking idiot.

Never call here again.

I am straight away going to court.

And they will, again, everything.

Okay?

Fuck you.

I will call straight away then.

Don't call here.

What I said to you.

Fuck you.

No.

No, I don't understand.

Fucking.

What?

From, this is your five, six, seven call.

Don't call here, okay?

Okay?

Without any purpose.

Just disturbing us.

Don't disturb us.

Your phone.

Don't disturb.

It's your phone that's not working, not mine, stupid.

Don't disturb here, okay?

Don't disturb me.

Coward.

Okay, otherwise I have to complain.

You coward.

This is your last call.

If you call again, just straight away, I have to go to police station.

I call to police, and I will give you whatever your invisible number or whatever.

Call your sister to fuck her.

So that's not whatever they already, and then everything for me, okay?

If I complain, and I, whatever I say.

Hey, you're abusing me, okay?

Don't call now, bitch.

Don't call now.

He started to lose steam there, man.

You could hear it.

He was whining.

Damn, these banshoes are starting to learn.

Damn, dude.

It's like, you call fucking?

Fucking?

He said he was going to give the police your invisible number.

Yeah, I give them my invisible number, whatever.

Here we go.

He asked for it.

Baby.

won't pick up this time.

I'll let him cool down for a minute.

I don't know of a way to make it so a number shows up.

I'm doing everything I can.

Man, just the way it goes through on Voxox, I guess.

It's funny.

Holy shit.

All right.

I got to reset the caller ID.

Dwight, say something.

What's going on with your numbers?

What did you find?

Anything?

I found some just wacky Craigslist shit, some Facebookers, but also some Planet Fitness numbers.

Did you hear the shit that went down with them this last week?

I heard of a lawsuit.

I don't know exactly what happened.

yeah well in uh in michigan uh upper michigan uh this lady was in a locker room like in the

middle of getting undressed when a person in the middle of a a tranny operation came in so it was

a man that was going through the operation to become a woman went into the locker room and

the lady like freaked the fuck out and started complaining well they end up they ended up

kicking or uh canceling the membership of the lady who complained about the tranny walking in

She's like, that's a man, that's not a woman, and they cancel her membership.

Well, it depends on what it is in the eyes of the law, I guess.

Well, it's on the policy of their judgment-free zone.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

She signed the judgment-free zone policy, that's right.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, true.

I just like making them set their lunk alarm off, but that works too.

Yeah, that's kind of, I don't know, man, I don't know how I feel about that.

You got to be a little understanding if you're a transgender, though, that shit's like that's going to happen.

some people just aren't going to dig it

there's some ignorant people

and you do still have a penis

I wouldn't think you'd be

considered a woman until you lost that

you know that part

well I think there's a part where legally you're declared a woman

and at that point I guess they have to

because you can be considered a woman

but still have a dick I guess

it's just so weird

it's not that weird

I don't understand the laws

Neon how did it work for you

I still have the dick, so I'm still in charge

I'm in charge of the shit

That's why you're on the show

That's the only reason you're on this network

You got a cock

Penis cock network, there you go

She's got the best of both worlds

She's got the tits or she's got the dick

I don't know, I'd rather have that ass

I'd rather have that ass

Yep, it's all about that ass

And we, uh, on the sports front, Carlito

We lost Sue, he's fucking gone

You lost who? Sue?

Yeah.

The Davacon Sioux.

That motherfucker signed with the Dolphins.

Uh-oh.

Detroit lost?

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Tuesday, he'll be signing with the fucking Dolphins.

No offense to Lonesome Loser, but the Dolphins end up doing nothing with him.

Like, with every single good dude they pick up.

Maybe this will be a change.

I don't know.

They did the same with, what's his face, the quarterback in the 80s.

They did nothing that whole time.

Never got to dream.

You know what I'm saying?

Who was that?

Who am I talking about?

The Joe Montana era.

Who was the Dolphins QB?

Marino.

Oh, Marino.

Yeah.

Yeah, poor damn guy.

The only reason I remember that is from Ace Ventura,

when he got fucking kidnapped.

I am correct.

Dan Marino never got a ring, right?

Yeah, well, no.

I think he did.

Well, shit, I'm wrong, man.

Fuck it.

Who fucking knows?

I thought he retired without a ring.

All right, anyway.

I'll confirm.

All right, well, we're turning off our transgendered audience

who's not into these things.

We already called a hunting mule.

Let's call him back, though.

Should we let him in on the network secret?

she would let him he seemed kind of cool right milkman you thought so right

are rapping hunting i like him dude i don't know we ought to see how he how happy he is with us

if we return a call and we save to the glory hole fucking setup site i wouldn't be too happy

is it fair to call let's see how he is if not dude try and get him onto the regular site it was cool

the southern who southern m&m neon yep well there's already that guy that bubble wilson

Bubba Sparks

Bubba Sparks, that's what I meant

I think I was from Alabama, I thought

Georgia

Yeah, hey, what's up man?

Hello? Yeah, is this the guy with the

hog hunting that we were talking to earlier?

The rapper?

Oh, he's pissed

He's not happy at all, forget it, never mind

I think he's trying to chase those glory hole windows

He fell asleep jerking off to them

It said he had like

8 or 10 pop-ups open on that fucking phone

well the fun all you gotta do is take the battery out not that big of a deal if you really want just

hold the power button down right what if it's on an iphone you can't take the battery out oh shit

that's right and think about that good call milkman i don't know why i was messaging dude i said

i liked him dude man i was hoping you wouldn't do that but it was too late i didn't say that

just turn off the phone man but would that work when it's all coming up with shit i don't know

iphones suck dude i have no idea man they're a pain he has to shut off when they lock up

up this is a log because i can test it on my iphone on my ipad here right now but the problem

is that it's gonna log my ip i don't want that hey i'll fuck it up it's my t-mobile should i be

concerned about my t-mobile ip getting out i don't care oh it's it's all blocked like everything

like only five numbers show up it just shows like part of it all right all right so i'm going to

glory hole foundation and our website it opens a bunch of tabs i got one two except opening tabs

tabs let's see what happens when i can close them and they pop up but they you can just close them

real quick at least i'm using chrome on ios maybe safari is different hang on i'm curious now but

the thing he said he had a crappy flip phone if he was lying to us or not i don't know i think he

used someone else's phone though i think he was just saying that probably yeah all right let me

try from safari he probably showed his wife and she got all pissed his wife's all because she

probably heard phone virus was like oh my god or she probably heard her brapping she's like oh

oh, is he trying for success or something?

And then he's like, dude, check these people out.

They're legit.

They're listening to my shit.

And he uses her phone or something.

She gets all fucking pissed.

Dude's fucking pissed.

Goes to glory hole meat spin site.

Come on.

She's all, not again, man.

Honey, I had to throw away the last phone.

Well, it sounded like, you know,

he was trying to hide from her

because she probably hates the rapping.

She's like, you know.

We got five pop-ups going there, Carlito.

Yeah, you see them?

five well in the rap it's not a big player too you know it's not even registering near where

you're at anyway yeah i came up with five and i just closed them and that's it's that big of a

deal on mobile i mean it's funny it shocks you but it doesn't take over like you know on the pc

oh we were killing them yesterday on yesterday's show yeah it's like oh you need my address go to

this site i love that shit man good times all right shall we continue let me do some dwight

numbers and we'll get back to the lonesomes uh anita williams would be happy to marry k

neon you want to be uh get in on some of that action because i don't think they have stuff

for men do they oh no go you guys go ahead i'd actually like to hear you guys do the mary k

okay why not there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to right right it's makeup for everybody

yeah it's the 90s right it's the 90s put my white snake tribute band band together we need some

makeup it's poison your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system try again

I mean they will check that I set the caller ID. It's still showing up as one one one four four seven two night

I'd like to start a bunch of random shit

So Nian are you not gonna be on this weekend this come what coming up weekend you're taking out you're gonna be out

Just like week, but I'm you know, I might do something if there's nothing going on Saturday

So you guys fill that fill that Wednesday slot appropriately

fill that void yep it's on dwight he's our guy he's our substitute oh i thought it'd be gilmore

or somebody that's right we got gilmore now and don't forget about him your call has been

forwarded to an automatic voice all right we got justine now who says urgent lost a miniature

pincher a min pin as they say do i can you do it i've been doing a lot of pranks tonight i'm just

kind of lost this other lost a min pin in on the corner of blah and blah anyone finds her please

Please, please text or call.

Let's go easy on her.

Maybe you found her, but the legs spray-painted white or something.

I like just yelling.

What's the name?

Dolly.

Dolly!

Nope, not Dolly.

It's running away.

Your call has been forwarded to Kudos Voice Messaging Center.

To Kudos.

I'm trying to get...

I've been hearing those messages lately for the first time.

I think that's a web app.

Oh, like a phone app, right?

Kudos?

I don't think it's an actual provider.

Zane has used Bones for sale?

Seriously?

Yeah, I was curious about that, too.

still yours dwight you need a haircut now you could be like me just buy a set of clippers i

just fucking put the guard on and just just fucking cut my own hair you just do one size

and just do the whole head yep i just put it on size uh number two just fucking so many people

told me no don't you can't do it like that you actually gotta fade it it'll look bullshit it's

too expensive even like if you can find a place that does it for like 10 bucks then you gotta

gotta throw like a five dollar fucking tip too they want you to buy something yeah well i like

when they shampoo my hair that's a big tip can't you well you need to go to lady lady jeans they

give you a 10 minute scalp massage it's only 10 for a haircut there too they do the hot weather

neck uh neck shave too the straight razor shit i get the tea tree treatment for my dandruff it

does me for like two weeks i get no itchies i should just buy the tea tree oil i used to have

have it i ran out i haven't bought more they should put in my head once a week all right

jim malaka has checked into the best western so aaron dirty aaron went on last night and that

came it was funny how he went about it too he's like hey i'm here everybody get the fuck out of

here so i can do a show you're looking neon sign around because you'd be hell i'll beat the shit

out of scratches nah i respect yo you can't just come around after two years like i want my time

about it come on aaron i was just surprised as shit when i saw him calling i was like what the

fuck yeah i was out he started off he's getting into it i heard the first hooker turd call i was

like all right now he's starting to remember hi i was in the chat i'm like he's he's calling

lost hooker turds i make shit in the bag and ejaculate on it john i'm healthy john hey how's

Hey, this is what's going on is Brent Brent Brent Westwood for where from Westwood, New York Westford, New York

Last name is Brent. No Westwood is my last name. I live in Westford, New York

Yeah, you're good listener

Uh, I was just thinking I was feeling like what would it be like to just stuff shiv my finger all the way up my ass?

Just usually the middle finger is the longest one

I guess it depends on how much you can take pain.

I don't know.

Well, I don't think it would be painful until you probably did like the second one

because I've had shits that are bigger than my middle finger.

Yeah.

Well, make sure to lube it up a little bit, though, so it's sliding a little easier.

Right.

Wash down there real good.

Maybe shave and bleach.

Yeah, definitely.

Definitely.

Okay.

That's good advice, I think.

Do you write a blog on like finger up the ass or anything like that?

No, unfortunately not.

But, I mean, with the whole conversation going pretty well, I might start doing that.

Yeah, it's not a bad idea.

Okay, well, what else you got?

Oh, that's pretty much it.

I don't know.

Okay.

Well, I think my friend Dwight has something to say.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Hey, I need to get transferred to my brother's room.

To your brother's room?

Yeah.

I'll have to spell the last name for you, though.

It's M as in Mary, A as in Apple, T as in Tom, A as in Apple, K as in Kite, I as in Internet,

C is in Charlie, H is in horse, I is in internet.

I actually don't have that name in here.

Yeah, no, his first name's Jin.

Jin?

Jin, J-I-N.

J-I-N.

I don't know no Jin in here either.

Listen, we didn't call this place to get jerked around by you.

If I wanted to get jerked off, I'd hire a hooker.

You want to get jerked off by me?

I don't know, man, I actually don't swear.

You don't listen for dick, do you, dick lips?

Oh, dick lips, wow, that's crazy.

I might have some big lips if I have those.

You said it, not me.

oh yeah so like how many cocks did you suck on the way to work today how many cocks did i suck

my way to work uh on your way yep god there's a handful i don't know man more than my hands

and mouth can take yeah well you need to challenge yourself like on your way home and back from work

just try not to suck some dicks all right be a better be a better human being

they sucked to get to be able to get to work more than a handful he said yeah

yeah so how did last night aaron only i heard about half of it it was good what i heard but

then i actually had to go see it was like four in the morning yeah yeah yeah no it went it actually

went well for a change uh for being rusty because for some reason the mixler kicked up right away

and then i was just using um there's only two things that are weird the first one being

is that when i publish the show or whatever it just there's no way to like name it or say it

it was like a Brent Wessler show or anything.

It's just Prank Call Nation with like the time

and date. Prank Call Nation's Mixler.

When you started your broadcast, you didn't

go up to the little

gear icon.

Gear icon? Yeah.

Prank Call Nation Mixler.

You can make a title. I think it's

title, right? Yeah, where it says

Prank Call Nation Mixler, you just

click it, erase it, put your own title.

If not, it comes out.

So you have to do that every time, yes?

Yeah. So if I did

did like mine if i did like brent westwood show and then a date that would be probably now is

there a way to because honestly that the mixler it records onto my my computer as well right

yeah and then did you upload it did you get to upload it i uploaded four of them that's the

thing is that it was the last time i did it uh or the last three four times i guess last night

and the other three were all on there and i tried to publish them i thought it published but um it

didn't so i have four that i just uploaded all of a sudden so somebody's gonna have to go in and

like rename them i don't know if that's possible oh i could do that i see your four that's fine no

problem yeah i i clear them all out of there anyway so yeah you can rename them on the site

if you're logged in as prank call nation but don't worry you will stop neon um i was just

gonna go ahead and piggyback off of what dirty aaron was saying um when i do my shows i do title

them but then when i upload them they like i update it to show real it has the name on there

so it updates it to the show real fine but when i'm downloading the mp3 it switches it to prank

call nation yeah and that only happens with you i don't know why like when you download the file

it still says yeah like the blank prank i don't know why something with with the way you are you

are you sending the title then going live or vice versa vice versa yeah try that because i always

is do my title then i click on go you know what i mean ah okay and i think that's it yeah i think

that's it because i think you can see i try i've been doing it the same way i've been doing it

before and you know the other show i think it only started doing that like the prank on nation

title like the last three or four shows yeah yeah i'm not sure yeah it's not that big of a deal but

yeah and then i say you contact her request yeah just make sure you choose comedy though that's

That's the big thing, Aaron.

Oh, yeah.

It's there.

Aaron chose eclectic, so it comes up in a weird...

I don't know how I did that.

Yeah.

I think that's a default.

It's eclectic.

Jag does it on purpose every time.

He always chooses it.

I'm like, fucking Jag.

It's like jazz.

He does it on purpose.

Why isn't it...

I have a stupid question.

Why isn't it on comedy all the time?

I don't know.

It should...

You would think it would, right?

But no, it doesn't.

It lets...

Yeah, that's the only...

Well, like I said last time, it's the first time that Mixler worked perfectly.

And then, for some reason, I was using Windows Media Player on my Windows laptop device.

And it tied in to where as soon as I would make the call, I don't know if that's a Skype thing or what,

but I would just be playing music in the background, and as soon as the Skype call would come on,

it would turn the music off.

I know what setting it is.

And as soon as it flipped, it would come back on. It was awesome.

Yeah, in your recording settings, there's the communication device setting.

setting you can choose it have it go down to 80 or just mute it mute all other audio yeah that's

in there yeah yeah i can't do it it messes me up neon you try doing it right and it's sort of

screwing you up a little bit like remember you know what i'm talking about no i don't remember

because i i think that the difference is like the the reason carlitos your shows sound as good as

they do is because of the music in the background it adds another you know yeah and not a lot of

people use the background music here though i think no that's that's my that's been my battle

the whole time like i i can't do a show without background music because i have adhd and uh

yeah you know what and i say um and a lot it's the stereo mix thing with you and i gotta get

you started on the fucking stereo mix but but i got that i bought that software i'm gonna send

it to you so you could try it for you are you gonna go on again soon like yes that was really

really successful and it worked out well and i used dashi's thing um the only thing is that i

sent kind of a message to dashi is uh some australian indian people there was a guy at the

end carlito that i talked to for about eight minutes and at first he was going to cut my

balls off and put them in the tandoori oven and then then he decided i told him well i'm an american

and he can't do that um was that he wanted if since i was american he would cut my head off

off and put it in the tandoori oven and he's gonna fuck my mother and he's gonna all those things you

know wow yeah so the indian and and i've had a lot of success with the indian uh restaurants in

australia and they sound hilarious because they're indian and australian yeah yeah yeah the australian

indians are great plus the time zone in australia works really well for me on the west coast because

it's like five o'clock or something like that with it on my 11 or midnight something around there

yeah yeah yeah yeah totally i i still dig the like one of the first ones 30 aaron did

uh with the pizza delivery he's like oh yeah my manager he's out of their office now did you want

coke with your pizza and like offered him drugs and shit i think cobra was in on it too they were

trying to get the guy he's like answer this door in a robe i'll deliver the pizza and then we can

get naked we can fucking yeah the signal that was the signal and the guy was like if you fucking

control my house i'm gonna beat your fucking ass yeah and i'm like dude there's an actual

fucking driver going there you're gonna get somebody killed that guy's gonna pout yeah

and i heard you trying to do the the the sauna signal last night or the spa signal

yeah yeah like what's the signal for the sex to be gay sex yeah exactly yeah the guy the guy at

the fifteen hundred dollar uh fifteen hundred dollar a night place he was he was nice he was

a nice man better be it's expensive as fuck did dirty ever get to hear the atlas calls

I have you dirty.

I don't know.

Oh, dude.

Well, you would remember if you heard the Atlas calls.

Oh, okay.

Never mind.

Trying to call that Indian guy back.

I got Donna, who's selling, what, a cardboard coffin prop for free.

Is she selling it for free?

Free.

Yes, correct.

It's a good deal.

It's a good price.

You can talk while I'm on security.

I'll be shy.

You want to speak in tongues to a Jehovah's Witness?

It's hard to find a Jehovah's Witness at this time, specifically.

Yeah, hi.

You've got a coffin prop?

What is it?

A fake coffin prop?

Yes, it's made out of cardboard.

Oh, it's black.

What color is it?

I'm sorry, say that again?

What color is it?

It is black, and it has some, like, red felt cross on the front.

You think I can go put my girlfriend in it?

It's, like, five feet tall.

We're vampires.

We do blood plays, so I wanted to put her in there, and she's going to pop out and surprise me, you know?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and then she's going to have, like, a knife, and she has dental implants that she's got that are, like, vampire teeth, and she bites me on the neck.

I see.

Yeah.

See, watch.

And you can't even hear it.

Hey, Neon, tell her.

Hello, this is the boyfriend.

How are you?

I can't wait to get inside that coffin.

How are you?

Are you finished?

Maybe we can, can we try it out at your house first?

No.

No?

I have to make sure that I can fit in it.

I'll wear a miniskirt.

No, thanks. I'll pass.

Well, no, I'm not really passable, honestly.

I have facial hair, but I wear a dress.

Sorry, Neon, I didn't want to jump in.

Neon, you could have called in.

Nobody called in to my show last night.

It was kind of awesome and kind of not at the same time.

Oh, sorry, Dirty Aaron.

I was out of town last night,

and I didn't get back until probably 2 this morning.

I don't really believe you, but that's okay.

It's okay.

Well, everybody that's on my Snapchat knows.

Oh, God, Snapchat up the ass last night.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I was right there by the horse's ass.

Seriously?

The horse's ass?

What?

Yep.

Okay.

I don't even want to know.

I was at Medieval Times, you dorks.

Oh, that shit.

Did you complain that the fight was fixed?

Like I told you?

Did I what?

Did you complain that the fight was fixed?

No, I was looking at the hot dudes that were riding those horses.

Holy crap.

Fucking Buddy's the regional human resource manager for that company.

Oh, man.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, he moved from fucking Georgia

up to, I think, Baltimore or somewhere

up there. North, excuse me.

So did you do the whole eating with your hands

and stuff like that? Yeah, it's pretty cool.

That chicken's pretty good, I must say.

I like how they make it burn. They bring it

all out and torch it in front of everyone

like rah-ha. No.

It was really cool because we were

in this, it was like the king section

where there were

three of us in our party or whatever.

And so we got to sit away from everybody else.

Oh, wow.

Kind of like an opera box.

Oh, okay.

Was it cute?

It was really cool.

Was the king nearby?

Yeah.

So then I got a crown.

Nice.

Oh, very nice.

You know, and it's a legit crown.

I'll have to wear it sometime.

But yeah, totally special.

I always like the yellow knight.

He always seems to be the coolest guy.

That's who our knight was.

Yes!

The yellow knight's the bomb.

Yeah, but he died.

Did the evil knight, the black knight, kill him?

My fave knight was the red, not Suge Knight, but it was the red knight.

you know the only time i've ever seen anything about that place was that fucking cable guy

i actually just thought about what i said and i don't know anybody that's affiliated with that

that was stupid you're pretty convincing though man that was pretty good that was like what that

was dumb right i'm so good at that you're just saying that because you want to get hey that

lady we were talking about with the coffin would have been fucking inappropriate to be like hey

you got kids that can draw pentagrams on the coffin on the cardboard before we can get in

or is that like inappropriate is that against me you should do it now you just can't threaten

people or pretend to be the cops okay cool do it or just try not to use the racial words

no negative i will know i'm not saying say devil people don't tell me what to do

what to do you fucking yeah hello hello did you turn your clocks back today yeah you have the

coffin for sale right the fake coffin yeah oh llama's gonna ask you something yeah awesome

Awesome. Hey, may I ask the size, the dimensions and such of the coffin or no?

Hey, my name is Llama. I apologize. What was your name again?

It's about six feet tall.

You said six feet tall?

Yeah.

Okay, what's the width, if you don't mind me asking?

Cool. Good question.

Let me ask you this, and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be inappropriate. Please don't be offended, but my girlfriend is obese.

beast she weighs a little over 400 pounds and she's really really into some some coffin sex so

basically I need the coffin but she's got to be able to fit in it you know and I'm gonna have

crazy sex with her in it but I need to make sure that she's gonna be able to fit in it and she's

about about three and a half feet wide I believe uh no I don't think it's big enough okay well

Well, could you measure it and just make sure?

Because I really, really need one.

I understand.

I am not right in front of it right now, so I can't do that until tomorrow.

But if you call back tomorrow afternoon, I will check.

Are you local?

I am actually local.

Let me ask you this.

If she squirts in it, do you think that people would be able to smell it outside of the coffin when I close it?

Because she likes for me to fuck her and then close it and then bury her and then dig her back up.

but I don't want people to be able to smell that pussy, you know?

Yeah.

I don't think we'll be meeting to give you this prop.

Well, I mean, I'm willing to pay a little extra, you know?

Are you a squirter yourself, if you don't mind me asking?

What?

Are you a squirter yourself?

Oh, my.

Listen, don't call this number anymore.

Don't call back anymore.

I'm going to take that as a yes.

You're a squirter, aren't you?

Bye.

was that inappropriate i don't know yeah that's

what that's fine sorry guys inappropriate's okay yeah there's no reason to apologize well i'm not

sure i'm not sure the format's and i like i jumped in at last minute so ah you can do it we're pretty

much all okay we're pretty much all follow the same rules there may be a good i felt like that

went well now like yeah it was good it was good because she was actually like thinking about the

the measurements and stuff neon you had a comment what's up nope okay uh moving on we got no name

with uh free dachshund is that how you pronounce it dachshund yeah i think i need to feed that to

my snake it's a perfect size for a nice big albino thing pig me an actual snake or your dick

no that's weird i got a story after this call i like where it's going i got some jazz from

milkman there you go i love it hello hello i'm calling about the dog for free the dachshund

Oh, just the bags of dog food are free.

Oh, it's just the dog?

But what about the, do you still have the dog?

Oh, yeah, we do.

We're asking the rehoming fee.

We were asking for $200, but, like, for the right home, I'll let him go for $150.

Okay, and then the dog food is free that goes along with it?

Yeah, he comes with two sealed bags of dog food.

Uh-huh.

He's registered with the state.

He has two out of three of his shots.

he's microchipped he's neutered uh-huh um yeah like little collars and what else um uh-huh

tell me what else he comes with um is that it oh i'm trying to think maybe collar does he have a

collar like a selection of collars well here's the thing is that i don't need any of that stuff

because i'm looking to feed it to my uh my albino python he's getting bored of chasing the mice

around and stuff like that so i need something with a little more of a challenge

You're hilarious.

Well, but yeah, I thought it was free, so.

Well, yeah, if you read, then you're good.

No, my cousin just texted to me.

I don't really read that good.

Oh, no, I only put the ad up for like an hour earlier.

I took it down like three hours ago.

Okay, so here's how it works on the internet is that somebody looks at it,

they text me the link or whatever, I call you when I can, you know,

because I'm not working on your schedule.

I'm working on my schedule.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, this isn't working for my schedule, so good luck.

Do you understand anything, stupid bitch?

She's a pretty bitch, yeah.

All right, so here's the deal is that my friend has cameras in his house and shit because he's kind of weird.

He also has a person that lives in his house that is not his, let's say stepson, and they have a dog.

And so he was just checking the cameras one day, and he looks, and the dog is straight.

this is somebody that i personally know the dog is straight licking peanut butter off the kid's

asshole and then like for like a while and so we've been uh trying to find out we've been accusing

him of uh asking why his dog is gay and stuff like that and trying to get uh i was looking for a um

where you pray the gay away you know that thing the uh the therapy the christ therapy to not be

be gay anymore for his dog but apparently doesn't exist yeah i don't know about praying and dogs for

the gay thing to go away yeah but she's just been saying the dog sure is acting gay lately

that's right wow that's crazy how old is this person that had that like 13 oh no yeah didn't

really know that the camera was like where it was you know but yeah i brought us all down

there's that oh i'm sorry it's fine no i mean the dog is totally fine as long as you don't have

peanut butter around i mean at that point all right can we get canon image class multiple

functions anyone want to buy a printer anybody i'd love to buy a printer it's fucking free yo

it's free free that's the print oh they might have sold it it's been deleted

yummy what that you got hello yes are you there with the printer yes yep uh it's already gone

I'm sorry. Okay, I have one question

though. Yes. Okay, do you know

why Neon won't accept my friend request?

Do I know who or

what? Neon won't be my friend.

I sent her a request and she won't

respond. I don't know who Neon is.

Oh, she's a nice lady. What do you think?

Is this General Adama?

I sound like General Adama. What?

What? You don't know who General Adama is?

Oh, yeah, I do. Hold up.

What?

What are you talking about, Dirty Aaron?

I send friend requestings.

Aww.

Which machine are you talking about?

Skype's machines.

I don't remember ever getting one from you.

Well, I just did it like four times.

Milkman.

Milkman report.

Milkman?

I don't see anything, dude.

It doesn't say Dirty Aaron.

What would it say?

I don't usually like to say it over the air, but...

Okay, send it right now.

You guys are muted.

This is the first time I've ever got a request.

I had two actually yesterday that came up to my house.

Just know that, Dirty Aaron.

That's the first time I ever got the request.

Is that the only day Jehovah's go out is Saturdays?

I think so, right?

Saturday, Sunday, usually, yeah.

From my experience down south, at least.

It's the only time they're allowed to leave the temple.

I've had them walk up a half a mile driveway, pass two trespassing signs, no trespassing signs, no dog signs and all that bullshit, and they fucking still come up.

Who are the kids that go around on bicycles with skinny black ties and white shirts?

Yeah, that's the same deal.

Same deal.

Hello?

Hello, hey, how are you?

Okay, who's this?

I'm sorry, who are you?

You called me.

Who are you?

My name is Llama, and I was calling about the...

Jehovah's Hall?

Yeah, my phone cut out.

I apologize.

apologize i was calling about the jehovah's law and such can you talk to me about that about the

what do i know jehovah jehovah he's nervous he wants to become a witness hello can you hear me

sir are you still there yeah i don't know you're all right you're you're nervous or you're you're

high or something okay hello did i lose him or i don't know you it's like you forgot what you're

going to talk about i i did i didn't know what was going on i didn't know the fucking you said

you wanted to talk to jehovah's witness remember you wanted to say something to jehovah's what was

I thought that we were just talking about

fucking Jehovah. I didn't know that we were calling

someone. Was it I'm supposed

to convert him? Because I'm cool with that.

I got you. You said something in the chat

that you wanted to say something to Jehovah's Witness.

God damn it. I forgot about that, dude.

That was like

six minutes ago, dude.

Excuse my language. I'm sorry.

He's walking his dog. He forgot.

Seriously. Was it the Jehovah's Witness

temple you got to call two different

ones and get them to talk to each other?

I'm down now

Just tell me what I'm doing and I'm down

Hey Llama

Just chill we already have an awkward that gets on Noid Street

Just be your own person

Just do the call say whatever

Word thank you ma'am

This is Ross Meyers

Somebody's having trouble with that fucking answer machine

Pick up pick up

No seriously I just got lost on that

That's my fault I fucking misunderstood

What I was supposed to do

Hey Carlito should we have dirty talk to Lenny

Have you talked to Lenny yet, Dirty Aaron?

Uh-uh.

I don't know if I can stop.

What's the number?

Are you going to paste it on there?

It's right there in the Skype chat.

All right, cool.

We'll call Lenny.

Lenny's a fucking hilarious old guy that we found.

He always answers.

I've got to get his number here for us.

See if that works.

Does Lenny masturbate in socks and leave them in mailboxes?

Probably.

I feel like he does.

He picks up.

Hello?

Lenny?

Told you.

He's in the mailbox right now.

I think I might have fucked the number up again.

yeah i think line is having trouble or did you maybe not give me the right number he's a pretty

reliable old dude you've had many laughs with him oh yeah i gotta go through my uh skype contacts

and burn some out some are still some are good some are yeah a lot of times with those old ones

if their businesses are gone you know what i mean yeah here's mr toots coffee house this comes from

lonesome loser whom we just answered here lonesome loser i get him back on the team i think he only

that comes from...

Hi, is this the coffee house?

It is.

Oh, can you guys

keep it down, please?

I don't have music on.

Yeah, but you guys

are like grinding coffee

and making noises.

Making whipped cream

and I have to do that

but it'll be done

within the next...

It's really annoying, though.

I don't like it.

Maybe you can shut up, please?

Hello?

I guess she thinks I'm there.

Okay, I got the

correct number now.

All right, we got

Lenny's right number.

Yeah, let's see here.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hey, Bessington.

Hi, Bess.

It's a dark day, Baz

Oh, he hung up

I know some shitty hotels in Nashville

This is Aaron's first call

Hello, this is Lenny

Hello, Lenny, this is Brent Westwood, how are you?

Lenny

Sorry, I can barely hear you there

Okay, hold on, if I put the microphone in my ass

Do you think you'd be able to hear me a little better?

Lenny

Yes, yes, yes

Lenny, what are you doing?

Oh, good, yes, yes, yes

Where in the fuck are you?

Oh, yes, yes. Someone did say last week, someone did call last week about the same thing. Was that you?

No, I don't think so. What I want to know is how you feel about the prostitution?

Sorry, what was your name again?

Brent Westwood.

Well, it's funny that you should, because my third eldest, Larissa, she was thinking about this last week, and, you know, she is very smart, I'll give her that, because, you know, she was the first in the family to go to university.

Uh-huh, well, you must be very proud.

You know, we're all quite, so, yeah, she was saying that I should look, you know, get into this sort of thing.

So what more can you tell me about it?

Which sort of thing?

Oh, the prostitution?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you pay the man or woman to not be lonely for about, well, seven, eight minutes.

And then usually when that's all over, you pay the money and then you're lonely again.

I mean, really, when you're breaking it down, that's really what it's all about.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch you there.

What was that again?

I feel, am I talking too fast for you, sir?

again would you say that again again please what what's that lenny yes yes yes oh okay hold on no

i'm talking about the prostitution uh how do you feel about that did you say you're calling from

again uh america well you know here's here's the thing because the last time that someone called

up uh and to me uh on the phone i got in quite a bit of trouble from the people here because i

I went for something that I shouldn't have.

I probably shouldn't be telling you that.

So, yes, I think my eldest, Rachel,

she wouldn't speak to me for a week now, you know,

but really hurt.

And sometimes in family, you know,

these things are more important than any, you know,

bubble or whatever it is.

There, Lenny? I think he hung up.

Are you still there?

Well, yeah.

God damn it.

Lenny, his daughter didn't talk to him because he had an abortion.

You've been quite friendly and straightforward with me here.

Lenny, are you still there, bud?

Hello, are you there?

Are you there? Lenny.

Sorry, I have a problem with this phone and my hearing is not so good.

I don't think so. Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Sorry, what were you saying again?

I was saying that I can't understand you.

Could you please speak a little bit slower?

lower. But I did hear what you said. You said that your daughter was away for a week. Is that

correct? Well, you know, with the world finances... Yes or no? Yes or no? I don't need a long

fucking spiel. Yes or no? Yes or no? Yes or no? How is this going to work? So that's a yes? She

was away for a week. Is that correct? Because I'm pretty sure that's the week that she had an

abortion. That does sound good. I mean, you have been very patient with an old man here.

It's something that I've been told that I should be looking at. My third eldest...

This has got to be... I've been giving up on Don.

Yes, she says that I should be going for something like this. You know, what is most

prime, and I guess what not. Sorry, could you just hang on for one second here? Hang on.

fuck your ducks Lenny

I'm trying so hard

are you fucking kidding me

oh my god what are you doing

I'm coming through like he heard me right

hey dude don't hit your ducks

he can hear you

sorry about that

sorry what were you saying there again

I was saying that week that your daughter was missing

she had an abortion

and the reasons why

the reason why she had an abortion

is because she was afraid that her baby boy

would be born with their fucking

fucking buck teeth like you and have a fucking wisp or lisp or whatever the fuck you call it

like you have and so she had an abortion and unfortunately we had to fly her down to i think

it was alaska i'm not sure alaska or fucking wherever she went i paid for it i'll tell you

that much and it was only like 200 bucks probably pretty cheap do you have any money man funny that

that you should call

because my third eldest...

Jesus Christ, this guy.

Shut up.

Stop talking.

Shut up, you piece of shit!

Was that the real person

or are you guys fucking with me?

I feel like you guys are fucking with me now.

No, that's Lenny.

Holy fuck, man.

Can you call back so I can talk to Lenny?

Okay.

I want to get a call in.

Was I not mean enough?

I was trying to be mean

That's just Lenny

Lenny's like that

That's not Lenny, that's Nunu

Hello? Hi Nunu

Where's Lenny? Lenny

Lenny

Oh hang up call him back

He was hitting his ducks tonight

I never heard him hit ducks before

Oh my god call him back I want to talk to him

No I remember the time

That JagTV talked to him

And uh yeah there was no ducks

Then I heard him quacking but I didn't hear him

hello this is lenny hello lenny sorry i can barely hear you yes yes yes yes yes how many

until you hear larissa yes yes yes did someone call about it last week oh yes yes uh someone

someone did did say last week though did someone did call last week about the same

Same thing. Was that you?

You? Was it you, Lenny? Tell it to me straight.

Sorry, what was your name again?

Oh, my name is Larissa, I think. That might be the next one.

Well, it's funny that you should, because my third eldest, Larissa, she was talking about this.

All right, we get it, we get it, we get it.

Yeah, we get it, everybody. It's a bot.

It was a bot.

It was a bot, you dorks.

Welcome to the botnet, Aaron and Llama.

You talked to a bot.

Seriously, was it?

Yeah, he was a robot.

How do you think I knew when Lenny's Larissa was going to come up?

That was not bad that his daughter had an abortion.

Well, you guys gave up.

You guys caught on quicker than like Jag TV.

Jag TV went on for like 15 minutes and let it run like two loops.

He was all like, the fucking ducks again?

What the fuck?

And then that was when I figured it out.

I was definitely aggravated

an abortion

seriously your daughter had an abortion

and you're not getting

you were really aggravated

you're like what the fuck

I want to tell this guy

I thought I was all type in a chase

like this motherfucker is drunk or something

I love pissing people off

bro like that's my deal

alright well speaking of Nunu

don't tell me I was Lenny

speaking of Nunu

that's his real name anyway

we got the saudi arabian embassy in tokyo from nunu these never work but we'll try again

you guys go nuts don't tell him we're gonna kill him thank you what about jerking him off

is that against the rules oh that's fine i've always wanted jerked off saudi arabian

smelly yeah hey how are you hello mr honey yeah it's me yeah listen there's a sorcerer

who's walking around outside.

Yes, hi.

Extension 223, please.

Yeah, Saudi Arabian Embassy.

I'm calling about the king of Saudi Arabia.

Hey, guys, run.

Here comes the sorcerer.

He's a sorcerer.

Hello.

An apostate.

He's an apostate.

Fuck the sorcerer.

What's your name, sweetie?

Ma'am.

Hi, how are you?

We've heard that fucking 18 times.

What's your name?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm calling from the embassy corporate office.

We're doing a customer survey?

Yes.

Do you have any customers seeking

asylum that we could

speak to?

Can we speak to an asylum

applicant, please, for a survey?

Yeah, we just rate their satisfaction

with the process.

And their love for Allah.

Are there any questions?

Hello?

Yes, hello, fucker. Are you there?

Can you arrange transportation for me to go to the Hajj?

Hajji?

Can I make an order for pickup?

You said embassy, corporate office.

We used to

piss off the Vietnamese embassy

in Australia, call them up

and try to order pho.

The guy would just

scream at us,

it's not pho, it's a restaurant, it's an embassy.

I can't take credit for it.

That was Nova's idea.

I was just reading the chat.

What was her name?

Do you know? Did she say?

Ching Chong. Here's the embassy

in Mumbai. Ask her in the beginning

and tell them it's the corporate office.

Mumbai, it's a Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Yeah. Why is India? Yep

Yeah, we call Dubai or is that shit blocked and shit if you want to get your head cut off. Yeah

Is it called a prayer

Fucking the next military fucking brat like just hearing that makes me want to fucking stab people. Sorry. Not really

Really, I'm just kidding, y'all.

You're ignorant.

I love everybody.

I love everyone.

Hello?

Yes, the Saudi Arabian embassy?

Yes, I have information about the king of Saudi Arabia, the new king.

You're calling from where?

I'm calling from Mumbai.

What do you want to know?

Well, the king, your king of Saudi Arabia, the new king, you know?

Yeah, what do you want to know?

He practices sorcery, he's an apostate, and he has homosexual sex,

and he talks to women who are married to other men.

What's your name?

Oh, my name's Eddie.

Yeah.

Do you want to complain or what?

Yeah, I complained about the king of Saudi Arabia

because he's a homosexual and an apostate.

Okay, so you can come and meet the consul general.

What? Are you going to rough me up?

Pardon?

Are you going to rough me up and push me around?

Pardon?

Listen, my name is Bhenchod.

Whatever it might be, you can come and complain to the consul.

You can meet the consul general.

Yeah, well, my name is Bhenchod, okay?

Okay, I'm coming to complain.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, bye, bye.

I think he was Indian, so I said Benchmark.

Yeah, he caught on.

I was trying to talk back to Lenny with Jack Black, but it wouldn't work.

Hey, Aaron, I've got an awesome Australian-Indian number for you.

I don't think they've heard your voice.

Oh, I talked to one of those guys last night.

Okay, somebody probably sent you the number.

Well, I talked to just a...

To Bay Tandori.

it was a random uh call or whatever yeah but we got somebody that i'm sure you can piss them off

pretty good i'll give you the number the number speaking of indians this guy won't answer who was

that last weekend that someone called and they sort of speak in tongues and shit you remember

that was brad was that okay yeah he's like crazy yeah uh do you think planet yeah planet

fitnesses are 24 hours right here's it's time for some gym calls gym did you hear i was doing the

daylight savings calls last night?

I don't think I caught that, but I will hear it.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

How may I help you?

I'm calling from the corporate office.

My name is Garfield.

I need you to do a test

of your lunk alarm system, please.

Okay. I'm not sure

how to do that.

You don't know how to do it?

I need you to fire it off, please,

for about 10 seconds, and I need to

make sure that it's working.

Okay. Unfortunately, I'm the only one

at the front desk, and I can't really leave the front desk.

But the lunk alarm system is right there

at the front desk. Are you talking

about the one for the police? No, the

blue, the lunk alarm.

Oh. Sorry. Huh?

Yeah, it went off.

All right, I need you to keep it down for 10 seconds, please.

I need to make sure it comes back here to the center.

To the center?

Yeah, to the headquarters.

I need to register it on the IP address.

I need you to hold it down until I tell you it's okay.

Your name is Gar-

Yep.

That's my last name.

First name is Cross.

What is your first name?

Cross.

Cross?

Okay.

Go in.

hang on hang on okay thank you you're welcome bye-bye she had an actual wonk alarm i thought

that was all bullshit for the game what was that i've had i've been able on match to have him do

it a little bit but he actually held it down for like a long time that's all yeah that sounds loud

yeah what is it what was that you're supposed to sound that if you're like you're over there

like being really like yeah fucking push it and slamming stuff down they'll flex it in the

they'll turn it on

because it's the no judgment zone

wow

so you guys want to try that

I want to talk to one of them

and tell them that there's some

fucking cross dresser in my locker room

and I'm not going to ask

I have the same fucking idea

that's awesome

how you doing there Charles

I'm back here in the locker room

and I wanted to alert you

uh of an issue uh there's some woman walking back here um i don't know what she's doing in

the men's locker room uh but you need to take care of this situation you're back there right

now yeah like i'm in the middle of changing and this this woman walked back here and she's got a

penis yeah all right so i need somebody to come back here and i don't remove the he she

she all right now be careful because this uh she ain't packing no like you know three inch i mean

this is a full 10 inch so you better wear some gloves and some fucking protective glasses

you might you might want to bring one of the freeways maybe bring a 20 pound dumbbell or

something in case she gets wild you might have to fucking crack her one oh my god all right

i'm gonna put my clothes on and shit you need some help if she gets out of line i'll fucking

can help you out all right all right you get back here in a fucking oh my god she's got a

fucking dick hanging come on bro all right hurry hurry the fuck up oh man i'm calling back i can

work with that if you call another one for sure for sure all right bro all right this is the same

one yep try to catch your voice what's going on hello hey listen are you still there what happened

i thought i thought i it was the same one so i thought i wasn't supposed to speak because it

It was the same place.

I was going to say, I was going to say the same with premise.

You will shut up if I tell you to shut up.

You should have asked me.

Since when do you let chicks with dicks just roam around in the best locker room?

This is bullshit.

No, I was going to, like, I thought it was a different place.

And I was going to be like, hey, there's a female coming in and we're making out and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Here's a different one.

Cool.

I got this then.

Thanks for calling Platinum Fitness in Balthai.

This is Christine.

How may I help you?

Hey, Christine.

What's going on?

I'm back in the locker room.

What's the other female working tonight?

What's her name?

The other female working?

Yeah.

Wait, who was those?

Dusty?

Yeah.

And I'm back in the locker room.

What's the other female working?

I forgot her name.

I apologize.

I don't know who you're talking about.

I'm the only one here.

Ma'am, I fell down in the locker room, and she came back, and she was helping me.

What's her name?

You fell in the locker room?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm still back here, and she just ran out.

She came back here, and we were making out.

She dropped her drawers, and she had a dick.

and i started sucking it and she came all over my face and now my eyes

don't worry i'm calling back sir was i too slow with that or no no she's just a girl

let's say she came in my face and now i'm blind and i can't see you what was her name artesia

hey why'd you hang up on me i'm back here i can't fucking see luckily i have you on speed dial why

Why'd you hang up on me?

I'm in your locker room.

Can I ask who this is?

Yes, I just fucking told you.

I have semen in my eyes from your employee who told me she was a female.

Please come back here and help me.

One second, please.

No, I don't have a second.

Run.

She said one second and hung up.

Fuck it.

All right.

Next one.

Baz, you want to do a plan of fitness?

Get that lunk alarm on.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what do I do?

You can say you're in the shower.

and have fun. Or just tell them

you're from the corporate office and

see if you can get them to hold the alarm.

I'm in the locker room. There's some asshole

in the shower flexing. I need the lunk alarm

activated. Have them test it.

I just love to make it go. Thank you for calling

Planet Fitness. Dina Chigin. How may I help you?

Hello? Yes, hi. I'm calling from the corporate

office.

Your lunk alarm isn't

registering back over here. The serial number

isn't showing up. Can you please

test it? I need you to

hold it down until I tell you

it comes back here. It could take like about

eight seconds. Um, could you hold on for a second

while I grab the other phone? Okay.

It has dropped its connection. That's the issue.

Okay, I'm ready.

Uh, alright, you're at the lunk alarm. I just

need you to, yeah, uh, press, or

hang on. Go ahead. It's a tornado!

Just a moment. Is it registering?

Not yet. Almost.

About 70%. It's

charging still. Okay, 72%.

81. It went back

to 79. Okay, it's going back

It's going back up, yeah.

It's stalled.

That's good.

Oh, no.

The wheel quit going around.

It's just going around in circles now.

The wheel's just going around.

Wait a second.

Hold it down a little bit longer.

All right, now I'm going to put...

Excuse me, ma'am.

Are you still there?

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead and let go.

We've registered it, but I need to do a sequence in order to reprogram.

In the short two-second burst, I need you to press, let go, press, let go.

We need to do this five times.

Okay.

Okay, press, let go, press, let go, press, let go, press, let go, and press.

Oh, fantastic.

Okay.

Probably.

And do you know how to do the breaker check?

I'm sorry?

Do you know how to do the breaker, the power breaker check?

I do not.

Do you know where the power breakers are?

No idea.

And are you the only one there?

No, there is someone else here.

Christina, do you know how to do the power breaker?

Neither one of us know.

Okay.

All right.

Is there anyone there?

Any customers?

Any members?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, no?

Yeah, we have a few people here.

Okay, okay.

It's like maybe 20 to 25 people.

Okay.

All right, you guys have anything else for her before we let her go?

I think maybe we should do the customer survey now.

Oh, we should do a customer survey.

Yeah, we need to do a customer survey.

They'll get three months free off their membership.

Yeah.

Black card and up.

Do you have anyone?

Okay.

It's about a three-minute telephone survey, about six questions,

and they get three free months.

after it's completed.

Want me to ask a black car if they want to do a survey?

Yes, if you could.

Okay, could you hold on for a minute?

Sure, thank you.

Oh my god, I laughed so fucking hard.

I'm doing the fucking worst code with the luck alarm.

Dental arm.

I kept rolling off my face off my chest.

That girl should get Employee of the Month as well.

Don't forget, she's going to get it.

I had to stop.

Dwight, you had to take over at the perfect time

because I was rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling.

It sounded loud as fuck in the background.

That motherfucker sounds like he's shaking.

Oh my god, she just held it down.

And press.

Hello?

Yeah, I have Blackheart here who wants to do the survey.

Okay, alright, sure, thanks. Put him on, please.

Hold on for one minute, please.

Alright, who wants it?

Hello?

Sure.

Hello?

Yeah?

Is this a customer?

Yeah.

Hi, customer, this is Lisa. I'm calling from the corporate office. How are you tonight?

I'm good, and you?

you? Good. I'm calling about the customer survey. Okay. Okay. So were you just actively exercising

at the moment? Okay. I'm sure you heard some loud noise in the gym. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that.

We're just trying to follow up with this particular gym and make sure that, you know,

customers are there behaving and can hear us and for emergency purposes. So I was just wondering,

okay first question here um how loud was it oh no not how long dear um from us on a scale of one to

ten how loud was it oh that's pretty uh probably about seven a seven okay um so is this the type

of you know environment that you feel is conducive to you losing weight yeah do you think that okay

so question number three do you think that you could exercise regularly with the reggaeton music

music alarm? No. No. Okay. So it isn't anything that you would like. It gets annoying, huh? Loud

noises, huh? Yeah. Were there any guys around you that were exercising? No. Okay. So they had

already gone. They already finished up. None, none, you know, pumping the weights there or

anything? Yeah. There weren't any? Yes or no? They were done already. Oh, they're done already. Okay.

Okay.

Did you see G-Man?

No, I didn't see him.

Okay, I don't believe him either.

So last question is, did you hear any other alarms coming from anywhere else?

No, just the last one that kept playing.

They played one that was really, like, a long while,

and then there was one that played for, like, every 10 seconds.

Wow, okay.

Did you, and then last question here, I'm sorry.

Did you enjoy the rave?

The what?

The rave party that we just gave you?

Yeah.

Okay, because you're our millionth customer and we wanted to go ahead and award you.

Okay.

So we're going to go ahead and give you, go ahead and take whatever products you'd like.

Just let the front desk know, but we just, those alarms were to let everybody know that you're our favorite customer.

You're so lucky.

You know, plur for life.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

We're going to get you a whole outfit.

What size t-shirt are you?

Small.

Alright, and waist also small?

Yeah

Alright, what's your bra size?

Like a 32

Yeah, we're going to get you a sports bra too

To go with it

Nice, nice

We could get those up a little bit though, alright

How's your bum?

Your butt

You got a nice bubble butt?

Yeah

Yeah, okay

Alright, nice

Cool, cool

Alright

Hey guys, Chom in here

I hate to interrupt you guys at this conference here

But can I ask her a question real quick?

because I'm receiving complaints on this end as well.

Sure, this is Mr. Llamahead.

It is.

Ma'am, are you still there?

Yeah.

You were on the treadmill earlier.

What happened?

Treadmill.

You were on it.

Is that correct?

I was on the stairs.

Exactly.

I'm sorry.

It was the stairs.

We actually did receive some complaints.

Were you menstruating and maybe bled on the stairs?

Is that possible or no?

Because I did receive some complaints about that.

No.

Okay.

I want to check the security cameras.

I'm probably wrong. I apologize for

bothering you. I'm going to click off now.

You guys can have it again.

Are you going to take a shower before you leave?

I'm going to take one after I get home.

You shower at home. You don't like to shower

at the gym here? Yeah, I like to shower at home.

Is there a reason why? Could we improve it so you

would actually use the shower? I just like

to get home. Oh, you just like to get home.

But then you sit in your car seat and you're all stinky.

You know? Yeah, but...

Stinky pussy. I'm just so used to it.

Stinky chocha, you know?

Alright, I have nothing else.

i have a question um do you have any respect for yourself yeah okay so why would you talk about

your bra size your size anything to a bunch of dudes you're bleeding pussy like come on yeah

okay do you like doggy style or what's your favorite kind of sex act i mean think about it

think about it think who are you talking to i'm jerking off right now thinking about your

bleeding pussy it's pretty gross seriously we're strangers we're just strangers so yeah exactly so

So why would you talk to a bunch of men about your personal advice or personal stuff?

Wouldn't you just hang up the phone?

At what point is it absurd?

Okay, bye, honey.

Are you working?

Is that because you work?

Hello?

Hello.

Okay, were there any other customers?

No.

Okay.

All right, well, thank you.

No problem.

Have a good night.

All right, bye.

All right, whatever.

Jesus Christ.

Seriously?

Please do the horn again.

Please do the horn again for Yang.

We could have got her to do it.

oh my god that thing was fucking hilarious oh that is a funny shit since you had that

little alarm box you built remember that shit you built your little alarm box the fire alarm's

going off that was fucking hilarious but they were pushing the button i remember that one time

remember your pc was alarming because it was overheating and you you were in the call and

you just went with it so that it was an alarm going off i microwaved uh something with a foil

on it and i blamed it on the restaurant that gave me the container i'm trying to find that link to

that commercial that i sent you uh carlito where that big beefy dude's in there rubbing a towel

against his leg he's like did you get a good burn yeah yeah the burn yeah security there's there's

another one that's uh yeah that's the same one there was another one um by planet fitness where

the girls were like oh my god that's so hot she sounded just like that she's like i was on a

stas like she's just had that attitude of hers it's so funny oh my god just again alarm's really

hot it was really it's really hot and loud and it was annoying me it's so like she could be

chewing gum like the whole time like really loud smacking you guys want to do another

I wasn't too gross on that right no god stop worrying about it you guys want to do another

of them uncle arm here we go yeah let's do it who's gonna do it i gotta go you gotta go yeah

oh bye see you at westwood.com may i help you hello anybody nobody wanted it

i was fucking muted i came in too late sorry do i do you want it you don't want to do i hear

i'll do it who are we calling plant fitness uh i'll do it real quick here we go i could go off

I'll mute.

Whatever.

I'm calling a different one.

Oh, yeah.

There's that commercial I was talking about.

Burn.

Because again, like...

You're getting real good burn.

Bro.

I'm Planet Fitness.

Big Al, I'm gonna help you.

How you doing tonight?

This is Dwight from the corporate office, Planet Fitness.

How are you tonight?

I'm doing good.

How are you?

I'm doing just fine.

I'm calling regarding the Lunk Alarm system.

Apparently, we're not registering any activity from your location in the mainframe.

So, I'm gonna need to do some testing with you tonight.

Yes, sir. No problem.

Okay, are you right by the alarm button by any chance?

Yeah, I have to go over a little bit to reach it.

Okay, well, if you could get over there by it, I would be greatly appreciated here.

Do you want me to turn it on?

Yeah, I'm going to need it on for approximately 90 seconds,

just so we have sufficient enough time to register.

Okay, let me switch to the phones and see if I can get close to it.

All right, fantastic.

One second.

All right.

You said 90 seconds?

again 90 seconds that's correct now do you have volume control on this thing do you have volume

control on this at all no we don't okay i'll let you know when time's up and uh for the last 30

seconds i'm gonna have to have you yell and count it out loud uh but i'll let you know when that

time comes i'm just letting you know this is for training purposes it's being recorded okay uh for

the uh 30 seconds will be approaching as loud as you can i need you to compete with the whistle

and 30 seconds count it down now 30 29 i need you to yell it sir i need you to yell it

we're gonna have to do an extra uh an extra time now uh we're gonna do a 30 second countdown as

loud as you can starting now 30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 15

14 13 12 10 9 8 6 5 4 3 2 1 okay now do you have anybody working out in there currently

yeah these people here okay find the most buff man and yell at him say flexing you said to do it

just to make sure it's working properly point out the most uh uh the most muscular man and

just give them an evil eye and tell them

quit flexing. Flexing.

And now if I could speak to that guest

to do a quick survey regarding the

Lunk Alarm system. Okay, hold on. Give me one second.

Thank you. Shit. You burned

it down. You burned it up.

Yeah, there's a lot of YouTube videos about

the Lunk Alarm. You guys should check it out.

You see people trying to trigger it on purpose.

Yeah. There's one guy that

gets real mad and he starts throwing

trash cans at the mirrors.

He says he's fucking

dying of laughter. Hello? Yes.

correct now are you a member here at the fitness yes i am okay and i do want to let you know that

that alarm was played for you uh we've had several complaints uh about your flexing and uh grunting

now do you are you do you have the black card are you a black card member no i'm not not a black

card member can i ask you why you have not partaken in that promotion um you know i just i

just figured i only need the extra services something is here just to work out and get out

Okay, so you don't need the massages by our ladies?

Yeah, it's nothing that I generally need.

Okay.

When we're doing our marketing research, we generally find that people with small penises will not take part in the black card membership.

And I was just wondering what your reasoning was behind that.

People with small what?

That's correct.

Correct. We found that men between 25 and 38 with small penises will not take part in the black card membership.

Oh, really?

It's apparently something to do with it because we have women do the massages as well as the waxing.

And we find that men with short penises turn out to be gay.

Is this the case with you?

No.

Okay, listen, let me get right to the point, sir.

We can't have you in a locker room trying to solicit men for dick sucking anymore.

that was awesome

wow

just holding it down

yelling numbers out like yeah sure

why not

that's fucking annoying

I really love that alarm

what is that alarm for

if you're grunting while you're working

out if you're caught

using a cell phone

in the gym

flexing in the mirror

and shit collects into the mirror grunting uh slamming the weights down forget what else

they've got it's because they're they're not a gym they're a like a fitness place they don't

want so like they don't want like arnold dovek yeah it's pronounced long right they don't want

roid heads fucking in there like going crazy is what it is yeah it's pronounced long though

yeah that's what they call a meathead i guess or something like that i do another one i like that

I've got to get to, like, send Morse code with it and shit.

I love it when these guys are like, yeah, fuck it.

I'm on the night shift.

Just people working out there.

They're sick listening to this thing being held down.

Like, what the fuck?

Better yet, like, play, like, a music, you know, play a song into it,

like, you know, some hip-hop song, and then have, like, a boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Well, like, Neil was calling it the reggaeton siren.

I like that.

It's a reggaeton beat.

The sound of the abilities.

Michael, how may I help you?

Michael, hi.

Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm calling from the corporate office. How are you?

Okay, good, good.

We're not getting a return signal back from your LUNC alarm. Is it connected?

Yes, actually. Our LUNC alarm is connected, right?

Yes, it is connected.

All right. We need to do a test.

If you could hold it down, it's going to be about 90 seconds just to make sure it registers back on the computer here.

Okay, we'll do it right now.

Okay, well, I need you to stay on the line while you do it, please.

Okay, hold on.

hold it now for 90 seconds.

Okay, it's on right now.

All right, I'll let you know.

Tell her I'll let you know when to.

Okay, thank you.

She said 90 seconds.

I'll let you know.

All right, thank you.

Yeah.

I'll let you know.

Hang on.

All right, thank you.

Everyone's looking at us.

All right, I'll let you know.

It's at 90 seconds.

No, keep going, keep going, keep going.

Keep going.

Oh, we got to start over now.

We have to start over?

Yeah, it's starting from zero again.

It has to charge.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything.

No, no.

What's your name?

Oh, Cross.

Cross?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, just go at 90 seconds.

I'll let you know when.

All right.

All right, thank you.

All right, keep going.

We're getting there.

Okay.

I'm watching the clock.

He has to hear it.

It said 90 seconds.

It was on 03.

Fair enough.

39.

He said he didn't tell me to stop.

All right, we're getting there.

Okay.

And then I'm going to need you to count out loud 20 seconds.

20 down to zero.

You ready?

Okay.

In 3, 2, 1.

20.

Louder.

19, 18, 17, 18, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 1.

All right, good.

Is this a joke or?

No, no, that's fine.

All right, we got that.

That came back here, so I got the serial number here.

I'm going to write it down for your location.

Let's see if he can do the microphone test across.

The microphone test.

Yeah, hold it right up to the microphone.

We want to see, make sure the intensity is.

Oh, no, that would be loud.

No, they already did it for a long time.

But I have someone here.

She needs to do a customer survey here.

I wanted to do a customer survey now.

Excuse me?

No.

Hi, this is Lisa from the corporate office.

How are you this evening?

Hi, how are you?

Doing just fine. I'm here on the line here, seeing if I can speak with a customer.

We have a customer appreciation. Who am I speaking with?

You're talking to Genoleva Estrada.

I don't even know what you said. It sounds like a mouthful there.

Hello?

Hi, is there a customer I can speak with?

A customer?

Yes, a member, an exerciser.

Okay. Well, there's no one here at the moment. Do you want me to wait until someone walks in?

I'm sure there's someone in the bathroom.

I thought you said there were a lot of people looking.

25 people earlier, you said.

Why are there three people talking to me on the phone?

I have no idea why.

This is a conference call from the corporate office.

Excuse me?

Hey, this is Feedbald.

How many people are now in the gym?

I honestly don't keep count.

Oh, that other guy could count numbers, though.

Can you count?

I mean, I can't because I'm really short, so I'll say like around 40, 50.

Okay, so there's like 40, 50 people.

Yeah.

Okay, go ahead and grab somebody.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Oscar.

How can I help you?

Oh, good morning, Oscar.

How are you?

Good morning.

I'm good.

How are you?

Great.

Why do I have to speak to another man?

I was talking to the lady there.

Because I'm the general manager, and my employees just told me that you were being difficult with them.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's great.

If you're a general manager, sir, this is Lisa calling from the corporate office.

If you're going to address yourself as a general manager, you're going to do so first.

How dare you?

Thank you.

So what can you help me with?

I don't know.

Oh, did you guys call the Hawaiian Gardens location for what situation?

Is this the Hawaiian Gardens location?

Yes, this is the Hawaiian Gardens location.

Okay, well, you don't need to make it evident again if you work there.

Your title could be taken away like that.

Okay.

Can I take your name down?

No, you already have it.

Isn't it Lisa from the corporate office?

No, I don't have it.

Okay, well, that's the second time I've given it to you.

So maybe as a general manager, you can generally manage your attention.

Okay.

It sounds like this is a prank.

Whatever you think.

You think stupid?

Okay.

Yeah, well.

How long did you guys hold down the alarm for, idiot?

What was that?

How long did you guys hold the alarm down for, idiot?

How long?

I'm sorry, who is this?

Why are you calling me an idiot?

The corporate office, you stupid idiot.

Lisa from the corporate office.

Well, that's obviously a man, you dork.

So your employees, can you go ahead and ask them why they were idiots and held the alarm down?

Who is this calling?

Because I don't think this is from the corporate office.

Can you go ahead and ask them how long the alarm was on?

And I'll ask him, but why would you call me an idiot?

Because you are one, sir.

Okay.

Stupid monkey.

Can I have the number where you're calling from, please?

Stupid monkey.

I called you a douche canoe, not an idiot.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Now you get it.

Now you're not an idiot.

Now you get it.

Have a great day.

Bye.

Now you're smart.

Neon calls it like she sees it, motherfucker.

Guys, when I fucking said that, I thought I was on mute earlier.

Fucking apologize.

That was my bad.

I didn't even notice it.

I saw you apologizing for it.

Ugh.

Sorry.

i love how easy it is to get i tried for so long to get them to even do it during the day

it must be harder like if we don't like like if we don't like burn the connection up can we like

call them and like have a little weekly testing you know like every sudden they have like fired

up worse instead of piss them off so they'll remember like oh okay thank you you did a great

job be great to get it done during the day though yeah i've only been able to get them to turn it

it out for like 10 seconds like a regular service going you know like like if they're very compliant

like that we can have a lot of fun with this every week there could be a demonstration yeah

all right who do we got milkman's here with me neon dwight and llama liquor shall we keep going

we're going to extra innings we've been on for i've been on the air for about four hours not

including the break in the middle planet fitness and other ones do you really but just thanks you

you guys for having me on hey no problem llama's all right uh i think lonesome sent in some more

numbers too i didn't get to you guys want to talk to the boat guy that i talked to on my show

uh yeah what happened with the boat guy i didn't listen to your pre-show i'm sorry

i was setting up um well he was pretty kinky so i don't know i just i said i said i was

gonna call back with some girlfriends but okay well yeah i got it he says he's not afraid of

women and you know he's never done it on a boat but he cleans up boats oh fuck let's orgy his ass

on a boat there you go has he ever met a woman that sounds like me with a dick oh oh oh shit i

get to watch walking dead tonight to watch total divas guy just leave your name short message

we don't get oh i guess i'll keep it for myself oh well keep it to yourself hey guy i remember

remember that from yesterday was that yesterday or was that friday oh that was friday hey guys

hour and something long that guy wouldn't hang up i can't see my governor name

thank you brian this is catalina how may i help you yes hello i'm calling from the corporate

office my name is cross how are you i'm doing well how are you uh i'm doing well thank you so

much um we're not registering your lunk alarm here uh back to headquarters can you confirm

is it connected that it's working that it's you want me to just make it go off right now well

is yeah if it's a little more complicated than that i need you to hold it down um it's going

to be about 90 seconds i'll let you know when it come it registers back okay so just leave it on

until you say yeah it's good all right uh do you have any anyone okay is it registering uh just

not yet it'll take a little it's going to be about 30 seconds do you have any um any members

is there now yeah we do okay i'm sorry it's okay they will continue on with their with their workout

all right it's almost it's almost there all right that's good we got it we got it all right all

right is there anything else i could do for you um we do you know where the breakers are so we can

do the breaker check power breaker check um i'm not sure i'm gonna pass you to mike okay who is

who is the night manager and then he'll probably know okay thanks okay one second all right

Be nice, be nice to Mike

Be nice to Mike

Hi

Hello, Mike

Hi, yes, this is Michael

Hey, Michael, this is Eddie

I'm calling from the corporate office

She was just doing the lunk alarm test for me

And I also have to do a breaker check

Do you know where the breakers are?

The power breakers?

Power breakers, you know what?

C, C is the cabinet for the breakers

You don't have the key for it?

No, let me just look

Alright, it's alright, no problem, thank you

Find that key

Oh, jinkies

Yeah

Okay, alright

All right.

Well, then the last thing is I've got Lisa here on the line.

She'd like to do a customer survey.

If you have any Black Card members, if they do a completed three-minute survey, six questions,

they'll get three months free off their membership.

Okay.

All right.

You said you want to speak to a Black Card member?

Black Card member will get three months off their membership if they complete a three-minute,

six-question phone survey with Lisa, my associate, right now.

Okay.

All right.

They get three months free?

Yes.

All right.

Do you want to take a...

What do I have to do?

Yes, you'll get three months.

You're going to get three months of membership for free.

You just have to complete a three-minute, six-question survey over the phone right now.

Sure.

Okay.

I'll put my associate.

Lisa, are you there?

Are you available?

Wait, is he asking for you?

All right, well, I'll do it then.

Yes, hello?

Hi.

I'm sorry.

She got confused.

Just put her back on.

We're good.

Okay.

All right, thanks.

Hello?

Sorry about that.

Okay.

That's okay.

All right, question number one.

Okay.

Well, did you hear the alarm that was going off earlier?

Yes.

Okay, on a scale of one to ten, one lowest, ten highest, how loud was it?

Probably about an eight.

About an eight, okay.

All right, did it disrupt you or anyone else there working out?

No.

No one, everyone kept going?

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Were you using the treadmill or the stair machine?

Treadmill.

Treadmill, okay.

All right, and what's the procedure after you're done using the treadmill?

What are you supposed to do per the rules?

We wipe it down.

Okay, good.

And then we wipe it down and make sure the incline's at zero

so it's like the other front is going to start right away.

Very good, very good, honey.

All right.

Will you be taking a shower before you leave the gym today?

No.

You don't shower there ever?

No, I never have.

Is there anything we could do to make it so you might shower there more often?

I just go home after.

That's why I usually don't do it because I only work out at night.

All right.

And you don't mind you're, like, sitting in your car with your sweaty ass and vagina and all that?

No.

Okay.

Okay, got that.

All right.

Okay, about how much sweat do you think you lost today?

A lot.

Okay.

Do you ever fart in your hand and smell it?

Excuse me?

Do you ever fart in your hand and smell it?

What the fuck?

Hello?

Yeah, she has one question left.

Okay.

Fart in your hand and smell it?

Yeah.

Am I from corporate?

Hello?

Like, I wish you were that big, Lee.

Hello?

Yeah, I was just conducting a customer survey with a lady, and I had one last question.

One second, one second.

Okay.

Yes, sir?

Yeah, what's your name?

Cross, Eddie Cross.

Eddie Cross?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was told that you were asking one of our members some rude questions.

No, sir.

I think she might have misunderstood me.

That's why I'm trying to see if I can talk to her.

I just need to get the last question for the survey.

I'll be on my way, and I'm going to apologize to her

and make sure she gets her three-month membership credit.

it okay one second all right uh well is she listening yeah all right um does she ever fart

in her hand and smell it yeah i love that what the fuck i have a quick cry

my god he was asking if i farted my hand and smell it that was perfect man

or we wanted you to ask uh how anxious did the alarm maker how anxious yeah

oh shit

I got UK wankers

would it be better if it was accompanied by music

oh no I'm telling you

next time when we do these type of calls

when we get the alarm going we gotta get the guy

at the front desk to yell incoming

incoming

oh shit

did you guys call me out

did I miss something or was I spaced out

or no

oh you were supposed to be Lisa

god damn it I'm sorry guys

alright I'm here now and I'm paying attention

I apologize

alright let's do some real quick UK wankers and we'll get out of here

poor numbers lonesome you're good thanks man

this has been a fun show soon it will end

the lunkheads

I definitely want to do the lunk stuff during the day

now that I've found the trick

hello? yeah is that L Cameron?

yes hi how are you I'm calling from

the royal service what's wrong?

uh we've got a complaint about your home

in front of your home is very dirty

unkempt unclean

The front of your home, sir.

It's very dirty and unkempt and unclean.

The pink flamingos in the yard.

Little man with the lantern dropped it.

Little sports man out there in the front with the lantern.

He dropped the lantern.

Hello?

Yeah, the piece of liver guy came and hit the little man,

and the lantern fell down in the snow, and he had to put it back up.

Knocked on the squirrel feeders.

Yeah, remember, sir?

You haven't fixed that yet.

What?

You haven't fixed that yet.

The little statue.

What are you talking about?

Ah, Bumba Clot.

Lick my Ross Clot.

I heard the Jamaican there.

Lick my Ross Clot.

You've lost a boy.

Milkman, you got the old banjo out.

Please be on for 1571.

All right, you don't want to answer no more.

Stop the Bumba Clot crying.

Stop your Bumba Clot crying.

W Cameron here, coming up next.

Neon, last chance for a call.

You want to talk to a wanker or are you good?

Wanker.

W. Cameron in Manchester.

Hello.

Good morning.

How are you, sir?

Who's this?

Mr. Cameron.

No, who's this?

Good morning.

This is Amanda Simpson.

How are you?

Who are you calling from?

I'm calling from the Royal Election Service.

It seems we had an election a couple of days ago.

Election?

At half six in the morning?

I'm sorry, but this is out of order.

Not at all, sir.

That was part of the election.

I don't care.

It's half six in the morning.

You don't ring at this time of the morning.

In any case, so I'd like to ask, how was the general demeanor at the election?

You're out of order.

You're out of order, Neon.

You're out of order.

Hang on, I'll call him back.

That was funny.

Half past six in the morning.

Neon's fucking great at that voice.

That shit's awesome.

Yes?

Good morning, Mr. Cameron.

I don't mind that it's half past six in the morning.

I mind that it's half past six in the morning, okay?

If you don't mind, I mind.

I don't.

Give a rat's ass what you think.

We're calling about your demeanour at the election, sir.

Demeanour?

Yes.

We heard you as being a bit of a slapper.

Mr. What Cameron?

Mr. Who Cameron?

Which Mr. Cameron are you after?

Mr. Cummins, yes.

Which Mr. Cameron?

The one with the stonker.

What are you talking about?

You had the stonker at the election, sir.

Have you got a first name?

That was disgusting.

Have you got a first name, Mr. What Cameron?

Yes, it was Sweet Fanny Adams.

Are you taking a piss?

That's the next one on the list.

How did you know that?

Number 64 is throw a spanner in the works.

What?

Watch this.

Take a look.

What?

Look at what?

Watch, watch, watch.

What?

Like, well, I'm going to call him back.

So I was reading from this list, right?

And so I said, that's the sweet Fanny Adams.

And right underneath, he said, taking the piss.

That was the next one.

Yep.

That's what you're talking about.

I was like, what list?

I need to get this list.

Mama, you want a chance at a call to the UK?

It's your last chance.

Ugh, I'm not sure how my southern accent would do, bro.

I'll try, but...

All you can do is try.

What are we talking about?

Let's wake him up.

Hello.

Hello, how are you?

Yeah, I'm alright.

I was calling so late, I apologize.

I'm just a bit up the street here.

And, um, my, um, my...

The box has fell down, and I was hoping that you could help me out a little bit.

But that is not possible.

What's your name?

I'm sorry, this is your neighbor.

My name's, um, my name's Porta Llama.

I live below you. Llama. Llama. You know me. Come on. Come on. Don't play around. Come on.

Hello. I know it's early. I apologize. Hello. Hello. How are you? Hello. Was I just speaking

to you or was that the other lady? No. Hello. I'm sorry. Can you hear me? Yes. Right. Are

you, can you hear me? Are you going to respond to my questions now or no? I don't know who

Who you asked up that day.

Ma'am, are you there?

What do you want?

Sir, I'd like to know if you would please come outside.

What?

Sir.

Yeah.

Sir, are you still there?

Yeah.

I'm up the street here, and I need you to come get your new fucking drugs.

Come up the street, please, and help me with my fucking name.

Hello, ma'am.

I fucking, dude, I had nothing.

I'm sorry, guys.

Your dude's fucking drugs?

I have nothing.

Well, I said drugs, and I'm like,

God damn it, I'm breaking the rules.

Oh, no, that's not against the rules.

I'm so sorry. I'm fucking learning, though.

How was that accent? Did that work for a southern boy?

I don't know. I will learn.

You sound like a young fucking...

What's his face? Ozzy Osbourne or something.

I really apologize, and thanks for having me on.

I will learn every week if you guys allow me to.

God damn it, I had nothing.

thing i don't know what the fuck those people talk like over there you want to do one i was

actually i'll do one i'm not very good with the uk people but i got something oh yeah you sounded

oh quite dreadful i was going off of your voice is this cameron again ryan william ryan ryan hello

yeah how you doing there uh i'm an american and i'm calling to try to find some strange

strange international pussy i can fuck uh you got a lady of the house i could speak to

no thank you hey listen motherfucker put her on now hello he just left the phone

i didn't know i could do that or would have fucking done that hello

all right i'm going to sleep give me another chance and let me talk like a hillbilly from

alabama all right then you'll talk to david fox and this is the last call we do then

David Fawkes

no David Fawkes

Fawkes

yeah

who's his name

Deathgunk

Deathgunk yeah Deathgunk

hey Miss Fawkes

hello Miss Fawkes

hey is David available

who's speaking

I'm sorry is David available

who's speaking

my name is Llama

He knows me.

Please put him on the horn.

Well, come back at a more reasonable time.

I'm sorry.

It's very important.

Please put David on the horn.

That's reasonable enough.

God damn it.

I was going to tell her that he sucked my dick and shit, but she was wrong.

Well, when she's blocking you, the best way to go about it is to call her a cunt.

God damn it.

I'm sorry, guys.

It's all right.

Well, I'm going to sleep.

Thank you, Mama.

Thanks for being on.

It was good having you, man.

Hey, thank you for having me on.

Seriously, I really appreciate it.

I will learn from you guys.

I really appreciate it.

All right.

See you later.

Neon, thanks

Thanks Carlito

Your next show will be Saturday perhaps

Perhaps, yeah

Stay tuned

See you later, bye

Dwight, what do you got going on?

Tuesday show, any big plans?

Yeah, no

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

Sunday?

No, that's your day

Oh yeah, true

Alright man

I can't

Sex, sex hole

Sex hole

Alright Milkman, we're done

Yay

Milkman

Oh, did I hang up on him?

Oh, shit.

Oh, I have to just hang up on Dwight.

Hang on, let me get Milkman back.

I'm getting skedaddled.

Uh, sorry, Milkman.

Anyway, we're out of here.

We're done.

We finished it.

Wow.

That was fucking insane, man.

We did a whole meal.

Yeah.

All right, fucking A, dude.

That was some really crazy shit, guys.

Like, hey, man, what'd I tell you, man?

The old air mono comes through again, man, with some good shit right here on the Madhouse, man.

I want to thank all our friends over there, 98.6 The Mouth.

enigma my brother thank you so much and especially want to thank one of our special guests returning

back into the family of the madhouse the lonesome loser all fists held high for our numbers hits

man thank you so much for your help brother glad to have you back man we sure have missed you man

welcome back to the family thank all our friends over there helping us out enigma msd3 clay all my

friends over there in the chat everybody stopped by thank you so much man we love you guys

everybody, all our special

guests that stopped in tonight

Neon, Llama, Dwight

and Brent Westwood

man you guys did a great job man

thanks a lot, also I'd like to thank you

that's right, our list, who else?

hang on, real quick in the chat room

I forgot to mention

come up with a title for the show

real quick before we end it

in the chat room, give me your suggestions

while Milkman's doing his outro

alright continue Milkman, I'm sorry to interrupt

how about the lunk alarm testers yeah that's right i want to thank you especially hey look

at all our friends they're still awake here in the chat room gigawatt man neon baby thank you

so much ah sexy neon boys you great guys see how blessed we are to have all these great people and

talents here in the network that's right we do this every week for you the most interactive show

you can find right here on the internet man all we do is ask to bring a friend better yet bring

and enemies are always welcome to the madhouse we dropped a dime we asked you just give us the time

well how could we do without our fearless airline the leader of the madhouse general

eastwell the madhouse man thank you so much my brother saving lives one call at a time thank you

thanks man thanks for being on we did it again thanks bro that was pretty good man we got to

say we have to dial up some of them numbers later yeah man we got a ken said sound the alarm that

That sounds all right.

Yes, it sounds a lot.

Planet Brainless.

That also works.

Planet Shitness.

Quit Flexing is another one.

The King of Vietnam is an asshole.

I like that, Acres.

I almost forgot about that.

Well, we got a few contenders.

I'll figure it out.

All right, I'm out of here.

See you, Milkman.

Fucking, fucking.

That was the other one.

That one guy.

Fucking, yeah.

Yeah, fucking.

All right, later, man.

Love you, bro.

Peace.

All right, everybody.

I'll catch you here next week.

Sunday is the day.

maybe I'll do another daytime show this week

I don't know, we'll see, we'll see, stay tuned

remember, prankcallnation.com

is the site to go

if you want to subscribe to Prank Calls

and listen to the live shows that we do

here all week, yeah man

yeah man, totally do that

yeah, while you work out

okay, peace out, thank y'all

Calls (48, 2 h 23 min of 4 h 3 min)

Transcript

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