How Do You Walk?

keep quiet okay shut up let me tell you something motherfucker you don't call my damn house

at 11 o'clock at night you're the asshole no don't you disrespect me i will report this

i'm not playing no fucking games man i i fuck you son of a bitch stop making a stupid call

you're out of your crazy mind you ain't getting no goddamn dollars i'll fuck you

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

We are the judgment-free zone, and we make sure that everyone can feel comfortable

and kind of not have that hassle of all the different lunks in the gym.

What is a lunk?

Meatheads, you know, bodybuilders.

We call them lunkheads.

Jerks.

That's some pretty inflammatory language.

That's how we feel about these people.

They're just not welcome.

so no judgment except you get to judge that's right okay so what exactly does this non-judgmental

gym judge as too much grunting or by this still no really i can't even breathe i can't not just

grunting that planet fitness has understandably outlawed science has no do rags allowed no do

rags no do right you gotta have a do right i know i thought they would just stop both tactics

You must no longer wear durags, ever.

At least the gym doesn't totally dehumanize those they see as different.

There's a lot of places for lungs to go.

They have a lot of places, you know.

All the animals can be in one cage, and then we have Planet Fitness where all the people can go.

You know who else said that?

Hitler.

No, no.

I was going to say Thomas Jefferson.

I know how other people feel now when they've been, you know, discriminated against.

asked do you ever wish you weren't born this way i wasn't born this way i've been working out for

years that's how i got this way my friend do you know something don't listen what do you know maybe

i do and maybe i don't what i say is they got no business negotiating we ought to be going back in

there with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do it now we do it later later

ain't gonna be no use am i right al now wait wait wait a minute frank we got a lot of angry guys

in there black muslims panthers young lords besides you the average anti-social we gotta

Got to go in, right?

Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Homemade.

How do you do there, everybody?

Madhouse Radio.

Yes, sir.

Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir.

Yeah.

Kicking off 24 hours of prank calls tonight live on the air.

Call number one will be to Four News Six Panel Pine Interior Doors.

That's exactly who we're calling.

Yay.

Hello.

Hey, what do you say there?

Claire, you've got four new six-panel pine interior doors.

Yeah, well, we have four.

You sold them, damn it.

Oh, you got four?

Uh-huh.

It's that we have three 32-inch and one 36-inch.

Help, help, help, help, help.

Hello?

Help, yeah, help, help, help.

I understand.

And they're already stained.

Yes, and it's like a cherry or mahogany color.

A cherry stain?

I call it mahogany.

It's a dark color.

One time I had some mahogany, and I fucked this girl.

She was a virgin, and she left a cherry stain.

Thank you, man.

Billy.

Well, I don't appreciate your talk, so you can find somewhere else.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were like a friend.

I was just joking around.

I'm sorry.

That's how I joke around sometimes.

No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, what about the loft bed, the student loft bed?

Just don't worry about it.

You all have a good night.

No.

No, what do I mean, you all? It's just me. I'm by myself right now tonight.

Oh, man.

All right, that was just the start for so many calls tonight in our 24-hour prank-a-thon.

And is she going to answer this time now?

Motherfucker, what the shit is that about?

All right, so yeah, I'm the host, Carlito, and this is Madhouse Radio.

What you just heard was an example of the shenanigans that I do on this show.

I should say we do on this show because I get a lot of help

listening to what i consider to be the best podcast of its kind in the world definitely

the best prank call podcast uh in my opinion my opinion motherfucker don't come after me

with your numbers and stuff uh milkman was going to join i talked to him before the show started

he's not on skype yet i think maybe he might be having internet trouble i'll give another 50 i'll

give him another 15 or 20 and then i'll call him on the phone and yell at him how's that sound yeah

yeah um my website be sure to hit that up that's madhouse live.com you can subscribe to this show

there in podcast form it gets delivered to you um on a weekly basis i've got it down to weekly now

so be sure to uh go to madhouse live.com that's the site um i've got all my pranks there and i

got shows going back to 2005 that's how long ago i started this show whoa big fucking deal

deal also be sure to head over to prank call nation.com prank call nation.com is a network

that me and some of my friends started uh going on almost a year now i think in march it'll be

shit when did we start pcn guys i gotta look at the dates was that march eight no it was after

april or may may or june but uh almost a year now that we started this we've had a lot of fun a lot

of success i believe here and we got a pretty good community going on prank call nation.com

is a site there be sure to join the chat room if you're not already in there right now and also be

sure to subscribe to the podcast there there's a prank call nation specific podcast there's one

you can subscribe to the main one which features all of the shows that are on the network and that

includes um just every day pretty much just about every day we have a show multiple shows really at

this point a day um and so much more also a big what's up to ted webboy sees in the chat room

speaking of the chat room and he provides us with blue uh blue planet prank radio thank you to

everyone who's listening to us over there at blue planet prank radio which i believe if you want just

like if you don't want to hear shows if you just want to hear straight up prank calls thrown at

you like you're listening to a jerky boys album back in the day um tune in to blue planet prank

radio on shoutcast go to his site unless you're already we've got a lot of people on there right

now um but if you haven't if you're ever in the mood for that blue planet prank radio is where

you go ted webb is in the chat room now he can hook you up with all the links that you need and

all the so forth and so on yeah he's got the tune in all hooked up and all that okay okay all right

so let's uh continue with the prank calls i guess now that i'm done with the beginning plugs moving

right along still no milkman just check for him there uh someone has a 55 gallon fish tank for

35 he says it's priced to sell i'll make the determination of that his name is dave he's got

He's got coral, a wet-drive filter system, decorations, a whole bunch of stuff for sale, as well as a fish tank.

I wonder if he'll hook me up with a deal for everything.

He says, leave a message and phone number clearly on the machine.

No caller ID.

He has no caller ID.

Oh, you dumb bum fuck.

Well, I don't know.

He's already saying leave a message.

Let's see if he picks up.

All right, guys.

This is posted on Friday.

Engage.

Oh, man.

It is one of the machines.

Your call has been forwarded to an auto...

fuck you son shit we got a guy here who will pay cash for an old wooded baseball bat as long as

it's made in dixon tennessee talked to this guy i think once already um they are typically stamped

leathers or ah leathers manufacturing out of dixon tn have a model name anyway he's interested

in buying them maybe he's opening a museum maybe he used to work for the place and ask maybe he's

with the company they just maybe want to model all their older shits okay hey let's stop playing

detective and just call what happened what's happening maybe i'm having my usual copy paste

program here at the beginning oh you don't want to pass

ice cube sure loves peeling caps doesn't he guys always talking about peeling them caps

All right, we got someone looking for any farm animals or scrap metal.

That's kind of a wide berth there, but okay.

Wide scope.

They're looking for free farm animals.

Well, what the fuck?

Yeah, hi.

You're looking for some farm animals?

Yeah.

What do you want them for?

Like, are you looking to buy the animals or you want the animals for free?

It matters.

It matters?

I'd buy them.

You'd buy them?

Yeah.

Well, I've got a rooster over here.

He's, like, gay, and he keeps raping the other roosters.

and they just had a big chicken fight over here.

There's about 10 dead roosters from the one side

and 12 on the other side

and I had to issue a lockdown here in the barn.

So all the inmates are now behind, you know, in their cells.

As you can hear, they're very upset.

They're throwing all the stuff out of their cells onto the ground

because they know they're going to get swept for contraband now

every time that's a policy here.

On the farm, anytime there's a big fight like this,

we sweep for contraband in the cells all the time, you know?

What are you going to do with these roosters?

Are you going to put them down?

Are you going to execute them?

No, I raise them and sell them.

People eat them.

I get the eggs off of him.

Well, the only way I'm going to give them to you is if you agree to butcher them.

And you can do it right here on premises.

I got all the equipment you need for that.

You can do your butchering, de-feathering,

and you can even boil the carcass to get the pin feathers out and everything.

Whatever you need to do, sir, I got it all here.

You're more than welcome to use anything you need to take care of those little motherfuckers.

Where are you located at?

I got a new ranch I bought out of here on Horse Machine Ranch Road.

It's a new development here in Bulls Gap.

I got a 25-acre chicken farm.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Motherfucker. Motherfucker, you.

Look at the motherfuckers here banging on the cells and stuff.

That's going to be the first...

I don't know, some Puerto Rican fucking roosters.

this Puerto Rican came up from Florida

from Orlando and shit

he moved up here and he sold them to me

he said they were like fucking some Puerto Rican

cock roosters or something he said

these motherfuckers came over here

they started a gang inside the farm

and I had to put institute you know bars

and you know

23 hour lockdown for a while

I had 23 hour lockdown for a whole month

on them for a while

I only let them out for an hour

they even had to eat in their cells

yeah

oh yeah that finally got him shut up chicken fuck you chicken all right let's get milkman on here

he was calling come on milkman pick on milkman we'll keep him connecting um let me call the

chicken guy back been forwarded to an auto all right don't pick up masturbator moving on next

we have four tickets to the daily and vincent concert at morristown west high school this

This Sunday, wow, 3 p.m.

That's an old event.

Let me call him.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, there you are, man.

Hey, welcome.

You missed your song on everything, Milkman.

Play it.

What?

On you and everything, bitch.

Oh, play it again.

Okay.

It's okay, I'll play it again.

All right, ha.

Ha.

Yeah, hi, I saw you had them tickets

for the Daily Invincent concert that happened today.

Uh, yes.

Yeah, I went there, and it was disgusting.

You think so?

Yeah, did you go?

were you there too yeah it was disgusting didn't you see didn't you hear what happened after the

concert was over what they caught four of them uh four of the men like touching themselves

and looking into the women's restroom oh i don't think so yes they did yeah the police was there

and everything it's on the news it's on the news and everything tennessee now was reporting it

you're kidding me yeah they caught four of them masturbating uh it says right here four men

Four members of the Daly and Vincent concert caught masturbating looking at women after concert.

It says that the four of them were naked, completely naked in their dressing room, which was adjacent to the women's restroom.

They could see all the women inside the restroom at every stall and were caught by a security officer looking over at the women and masturbating and engaging in oral sex with each other and mutual masturbation, it says.

It was some kind of satanic thing.

What?

What the hell was that?

That sounds horrible.

This is at a high school.

What the fuck?

Was that at the Walmart?

I don't know.

Yeah, the manager stuck his fist and his foot under the door.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, I was talking to your wife about the Daly and Vincent concert at the high school.

Did you hear what happened?

No, I'm not interested.

There were four men masturbating, looking over at the women in their bathroom.

Where'd you get my number?

They gave it to me there.

They said that you were there, you were parked next to me.

It was on the wall of the bathroom.

I had to say that to you for a good reason.

He's asking for it.

I got it from your mama.

I'm sorry, dude.

That's all right.

That was funny.

Someone here is in need of a baby crib.

All right, let's see.

Let's see if they found one over the weekend.

Hydration.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Do you still need a baby crib?

Excuse me?

Do you still need a baby crib?

No.

Did you find one?

Yes.

Oh, did your baby take a big shit in it yet?

Excuse me?

Did your baby take a big shit in it yet?

Who is this?

Bill.

Bill Cross.

Hello?

Okay, Willie.

Willie Cross.

I'm Bill.

Hi, I'm Bill.

I wish I could do a good Bill Clinton.

If I could do a good Bill Clinton, I would do it.

I'm not saying Bill Clinton.

I would just say I'm someone else.

I should do it.

Let me do that.

Next call.

Do it, man.

Oh, yeah, man.

I'm going to say my name is Jason.

Play the song again.

I'm Jason.

And then we'll do it.

I'm gonna say I'm Bill fuck it I'm Bill

pick it back it up

I'm Bill hi man

I need your vote I can't

I feel your pain

I don't do a good Bill Clinton at all I'm just being stupid

but I'll try it I'll do my crappy Bill Clinton

alright uh

do an Eddie Garcia can you still do one of those

I haven't heard one of those in like fucking like

six months a year

Eddie's retired

I did one during a week and I remembered why I retired him

it's just a stupid thing

And he's retarded now.

He's retarded.

You didn't listen to the shows during the week.

You missed all the Lunk Alarm calls to Planet Fitness.

It was all...

You don't tell me nothing.

You know how many times I call you, dude?

I'm like, come on, man.

How should I fucking know, man?

I never got one call from you, return, or anything.

Never mind.

Anyway, I missed them.

So, like, why don't you, like, can somebody compile them all together in, like, one block so I could hear them?

Someone can, I'm sure.

Dwight put a few of his together, I think.

and i think it'd be funny just like stretch all of them together the lunk alarm sessions you know

like a bcn thing or whatever you know so the record is nine minutes milkman and yeah the record

is nine minutes uh dwight hit that on monday i think or tuesday something you're not calling all

the same ones right you're just steadily going through right yeah they were going yeah and

there's a memo went around about it oh no yeah and actually yeah we can play the memo you know

know who got the memo was uh uh xyz in the chat i don't know if you know who he is but i want to

play that real quick because i've seen that name in there i remember it man he's probably been in

there for a while yeah mix a pick stick you know from the superman that's who he is that's what

he's into that kind of thing let me see if i can find that the lady actually reads out the memo

oh man i have no idea how to find i'm sure someone's already given me a link in the chat room

nice i think we uh hey hey look there's my baby dark stranger hi ds hey ds how you doing

where are you talking where did you see the chat she's in the chat room oh okay i thought you were

seeing her somewhere oh no no well we are on tiny chat i do want to see her well you actually you

probably can yeah she's in tiny chat or she will be now i know but you know my bandwidth issues so

that's like why i never get to see anybody yeah it's a shit it's a shit yeah yeah uh oh it was

palindrome i'm sorry did i say it was xyz my bad you said xyz palindrome i know him he's

been there for a while too yeah i'm sorry it was it was palindrome my bad my bad cool i don't know

why i said x good job good job alicia i know why i think xyz had one that was good i think that's

why i said that but oh uh palindrome gets the look alarm memo here it is all right ready milkman to

listen okay okay fired up i am sorry about that um i wasn't able to find the printed out copy

me, but I do have the email. Basically, it says, in the past 24 hours, we have received

several reports of clubs getting inappropriate prank calls. This notice is to alert you of

the calls so that you may take appropriate action. In each reported instance, the calls

are happening in the late evening hours, typically between 8 p.m. to 12 a.m. The calls appear

to come from Planet Fitness Corporate with the correct number, 603-750-0001, front desk

to test the alarm for 20 to 30 seconds. Then they're asking to speak to a black member

member to conduct a survey. The survey usually begins with a question on whether the member

uses the black card amenities and turns extremely vulgar. While we continue to investigate the

source of the prank calls, we're asking any club who receives a similar prank to take

the following action. One, immediately challenge the caller and ask for their name and their

supervisor's name, request a callback number, and tell them you have to call them back.

Do not comply with their request to test the bunk alarm, and do not allow them to speak

to a member. Report the call to security at planetfitness.com.

All right. Do you know if the security has a...

All right, so we'll stop it there.

There you go, Milkman.

So did you get to hear that?

Did you hear the whole memo?

That's what was sent out regarding the Luck Alarm.

Attraction.

Do comply always with the Madhouse or any members calling them corporate.

You have to, of course.

You've got to comply with corporate.

But, I mean, you heard those last week, right?

So they went all week.

A few of the alarms got burnt out at some point.

Milkman, what do you think?

They got burnt out.

They ran so long they burnt out.

What do you know about those alarms?

Because I think Tabachi and some people were saying that they operate what's called a brush DC motor.

Do you know anything about that?

You're pretty good at technology.

I know what a brush DC motor is.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, you've heard the alarms that were playing in those places.

What would cause a burnout?

Are they working on compressed air, do you think?

Or are they operating on some kind of motor?

No, those sound like they've got some kind of little turbine in it.

It doesn't sound like, you know, because it rises and lowers in pitch, you know, a little bit.

So it sounds like it's actually got, like, a little turbine turning in there.

So normally they've got some type of motor turning a little, like, turbine to make that sound.

And it's, like, the shape of the horn, the size of the cavity and everything gives it, like, that resonance and that sound that you hear.

Okay, that warble kind of sound.

Yeah, I understand.

All right, so, yeah, quite a few of them got burnt out during the week.

We can't just say they'd stop.

They go, eh.

See, they're probably mechanical then.

If they're getting burned out, they're probably mechanical.

That's probably it then.

So they're using the cheap-ass version that doesn't have any electronics

and an old-fashioned, like, eh, you know,

and it's probably like the cheapest Walmart version

because nobody ever uses the stupid thing

until we decided that they needed to be tested.

Yeah.

Very good, because now they're identifying a lot of weaknesses in their system

and they need to replace and maybe even upgrade.

You know, we could get a salesman in there to find out if their burnout alarm

arm could be replaced with like a you know a pneumatic version you know like get a trucker's

horn and yeah we gotta do something else man because they're getting maybe just get rid of

the stupid shaming policy as it is anyway it's very i like it dude i wish they would like you

add more cool things like that man because they're they're so friendly they're they're

so willing to help that's cool to you milkman that's cool all right yeah man excellent service

Well, you're really cool, too.

Lonesome Losers here sending in numbers.

What's up, Lonesome?

What's up, Hooker?

For the hitman in the house.

Oh, this is your time for the numbers, hitman.

Lonesome Loser.

Yeah, man.

You got to fist that Lonesome.

Much love to my brother, man.

The Lonesman.

The Lonesome.

Lonesome Jones.

Loser.

Lonesome Jones.

Dude, hey, the anniversary show.

I've got to pick a date for it, and I've got to plan some stuff for it, you know what I mean?

Dude, it's only going to be 10 years.

Come on.

Do we ever plan anything after fucking 10 years?

Come on.

Have we planned one thing ever?

Shit.

Well, I hope to plan a lot, because I'm going to have a lot of fun with that show.

I've got some ideas.

Dude, you know what?

It'll be fun, because there'll be a random element to it, as always.

And everybody in our audience and all our friends out there know to expect this, man.

It's going to be nothing but good times, baby.

And I'm excited.

I can't wait.

I know I haven't had a hell of a lot to contribute, but I still want to stir up the trouble and get everybody going, man, because this is a monumentous event.

Come on.

How many people can celebrate 10 years on air?

Two crazy-ass madhouse individuals like us, and we pulled it off.

10 years, man.

I love you still, man.

You don't hate me any more than you did when I met you.

No, I didn't, actually.

Yeah, we get along now.

At first, we hated each other, but we had to be together.

KDK hired us to work together, you know.

That's the way it went down, dude.

But look how it came out, man.

Look at this.

We found out that we were actually very, very close brothers.

And we stuck together all these years.

And that's what I like about it, man.

Because we've always been able to flow as a team, dude.

No one opposes anybody, man.

And that's the beauty of your genius, my friend.

Your talent.

Well, what I'm looking to do is to do a mini marathon on my own.

So I would do 12 hours straight.

Those are what my notes have here.

here and i would like i would like what i like to do is i do like maybe like three out four three

hour segments and so like the first one i'd like to see if i get kdk to come on with me for a little

bit oh that would be fun and lego solar uh sean ward uh jim stewart uh dj glowworm and then i want

to try to track down reclute i want to give it one last shot trying to find mr try on reclute

dude man i really you know i always like recluse man you know me i'm a biggest recluse plan out

there if there is one man i always have i was even on his show motherfucker i got a number

four i mean a couple ones but i believe the repeats of each other man we really need to

put a campaign out to get a hold this guy i got hollywood vanya and oh yeah yeah i gotta try to

get a hold of him i put that in home clone grown clone yeah whatever well yeah i have no idea what

What happened?

Big Will?

Yeah, that's right.

I got to put that down.

Big Will's still on my book, man.

He's still on the book, man.

He's still alive, man.

Give Will a call.

Andy, Andy.

What about Andy?

Crazy bastard Andy.

Yeah, that's right.

Of course.

Of course, Andy.

uh did i say hollywood

vanya yeah you said hollywood vanya my friend are we missing any more of the old cats the old

school staff well most of them have come forward to and got their own shows and shit now i'm trying

I think he will.

What about the turd burglar?

Is he still around, dude?

We had him there for a little while, but he's offline, ain't he?

Yeah, I talk to him on Facebook every once in a while.

He's still on there.

He was in the Army for four years, and he had a kid, and now he's doing...

He sells guns.

Good.

All right, dude.

So we've got most of our old crew.

Maybe AMD, let's try and find him.

Maybe he'll be around.

AMD.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, hey, regardless, we should do a crime call right now.

But this is just some ideas.

He is also thinking of a trivia show, a trivia game show with a cash prize.

Hey, cool, man, or some kind of prizes, dude.

Yeah, Lord Spoon said he's interested in that.

He said he's been listening and he could do good.

So we have one contestant.

I want to get four contestants and get some Madhouse history questions,

Madhouse show itself.

Oh, hell, dude, we could have a lot of fun with that.

We'll see who out there really remembers.

and also telephone number eight oh granddaddy purple number two gdp2 what does that do for you

does it um is it a sadova or a indica flavorful purin hi yes i got some indica here um i see that

you place an ad for your 95 shaver camaro camaro oh shit fucker really when did you sell it friday

day or this weekend you motherfucker you how much you sell it for eventually well he's a motherfucker

and you're a motherfucker for selling it you know this is bill you're jason you're a motherfucker

for selling the fucking car i want i wanted that motherfucker i waited until today to call you

you got 50 bucks out of that piece of shit fuck you he put he

Fuck you, man.

Who is this?

What's that?

You fuck you.

He put the ad in for $550.

I took a shit in the trunk, man.

Fuck you.

Fuck you too, man.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Did he put you on the phone to handle the business?

You wear the pants?

I wear them just to yell.

What is your problem?

Well, he was going to sell me that Camaro.

Well, then you should have showed up with money.

He turned around and did that shit to me, motherfucker.

He said to wait until today and call him.

I called him today.

He said he sold it.

Your husband's a motherfucker.

You are talking to the wrong person right now, and you had better watch your language.

Well, put a man on the phone.

You don't know shit.

Women don't know shit about cars.

Don't you disrespect me.

I will report this.

Do it.

Damn it.

I'll report you.

I will.

Consider it done.

You're crazy, aren't you?

Oh, God.

They need to lock you up in a loony bin.

Oh, it's happening.

It's happening.

And you wonder why you got the reputation you got, stupid idiot.

Oh, shit.

Did you get off?

No, it just happened.

I had another episode.

Put your boyfriend there?

No, I saw Five Years into the Future again.

Oh, my God.

I think that you had your dick stuck up somebody's ass.

Oh, yours, baby.

Yeah, you wish.

You like big dicks in your ass?

Yeah, you told me to come by and buy that fucking car, motherfucker.

And now you came around and sell that motherfucker off?

Yeah, because I didn't want some slimy motherfucker.

Well, you're a piece of shit.

You told me to call back today, and now I come by.

I'm thinking, son of a bitch.

Fucking shit.

Who'd you sell it to?

I'm going to whoop their ass.

Go ahead.

Your wife is really angry.

She's really hot when she's angry, huh?

Do what?

Your wife is really hot and sexy when she's angry?

I got you.

9-1-1, turn you in.

You can't call 9-1-1.

and you have to call the LOL, the non-emergency

number, also known as the LOL.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You son

of a bitch first. You bigger son of a bitch.

You're a big son of a bitch. Hello?

Can I properly fist your wife?

Fist her properly for you? Would that be

okay? Whoa!

I didn't realize. Finally, good

boy. I think he was getting off, dude.

Shit, that was weird.

I already took a bomb hit.

I think I failed to mention, gentlemen and

lady, we are listening to

We are broadcasting on video on YouTube.

My YouTube channel is Madhouse Radio.

Be sure to subscribe to that.

Also subscribe to the Madhouse Classics channel, Madhouse Classics, over on YouTube.

Subscribe to both them channels.

What's that channel?

Madhouse Classics.

Madhouse Classics?

Yes.

Where at?

My second channel on YouTube.

On YouTube?

Really?

Motherfuckers.

Yeah, we got two.

What the hell is up with this crazy-ass Madhouse, man?

And all these channels and all this good material out there for free, man, to share with our beloved.

People don't take advantage of it.

I'm going to shut them down.

I'm going to shut them down, motherfucker.

We can't have that now.

I mean, this is a treasure trove of true madness and hilarity and comedy.

People got to get a sample of it.

What I was saying is I forgot to hit play on the thing and the chat wasn't scrolling.

So it looked like we had a really slow and boring chat room.

No, it's actually going up pretty fast.

It was just stuck on a certain time.

Whoops.

Sorry.

But, yeah, our chat room is shit.

I keep dropping out the chat, man.

Yeah, be sure to check out the chat room.

That's over at prankcallnation.com slash...

What is it, Milkman?

Yeah, my bandwidth is horrible right now.

Chat.

Prankcall.com slash chat.

Exciting pranks and exciting chat.

That is our motto.

Moving right along.

That's right.

Bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy.

Because you all are welcome right here in the Madhouse.

98.6 in the mouth.

All right, we've got someone trying to get...

Thank you, Milkman.

We've got someone looking to get a hold of the person that listed the leather sectional living room suite on March 1st.

So they're trying to get a hold of someone who posted a sectional for sale.

I will call and say I was, right, Milkman?

How's that sound?

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm glad you agree.

Thank you, Ball.

Tell them you found a clinker down inside the fold there.

dried up cat turd clinker

ew clinker huh

the dead's up is he drinking I thought he was sober

what happened to the dead hello

hello yeah I had posted

on swap shop a leather

sectional yeah were you trying

to get a hold of me well it

was some I talked to a

lady that said she had had it and she

said that she had done got rid of it

no I think no she called me

and said she was confused she didn't have

she had a sectional but it wasn't leather

it was uh that microfiber oh yeah the one that i had seen on swap shop said it was a leather

sectional with uh recliners yes that's the one i got she called me straightened it out said she

lost your number but i had my number called me said that she had fucked up and i told you that

yeah but it's my leather sectional so you trying to get a hold of me well i guess if you're the

one that's got it yeah so uh what the fuck you want excuse me what the fuck you want man let

Let me tell you something, motherfucker.

You don't call my damn house at 11 o'clock at night.

You don't put messages for me on the internet asking for me to call you at 11 o'clock at night, motherfucker.

Fuck you won't.

Well, you're the dumbass who said you had it.

You posted on my computer at this time of night, god damn it.

No, she said that she was looking for me.

She was looking for the person that had the leather sectional living room for sale on March 9th on Swap Shop.

Yeah, that's me.

So she was looking for me.

So then I asked her what the fuck she wants, and she got upset.

You know how women are.

Yeah, that's me.

But she got mad because I just, you know, I talked to my friends.

I'm like, hey, what the fuck, you know, what the fuck you want, you know, like that.

And I think she took it the wrong way.

Can you tell her I didn't mean it like that?

I'm sorry.

I'll tell her.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

She's really hot when she's angry.

She's sexy and hot when she gets mad, you know?

She's really.

The guy's a cool guy.

He's like, yeah, she a bitch sometimes.

Yeah, he knows what you mean, buddy.

He's a bitch sometimes, man.

You don't want to know.

He said, y'all see what she looks like, though, when you wake up beside her in the morning.

He didn't know that.

You'd rather shoot your fucking arm off than wake that bitch up.

Brother, you know the hair.

It's like, what the fuck you want with it?

You don't know the half of it, huh?

That was cool.

You kind of got a Roy D. Mercer in there.

Kind of slid in there.

That was pretty funny, man.

Roy Mercer.

What did I tell you?

posting on my internets at 11 o'clock at night yeah we'll be posing on my internets

you know outrageous and undignified don't forget at the end of the show as long as i remember we

will do title of the show where i will ask the chat rooms help to name the title of the show

so be looking out for little quotes here and there funny things that get said at random during the

show dead still alive of course he is in the chat room now hello hi honey baby how are you

You have a trailer for sale?

Hello?

I'm sorry I said honey baby.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Motherfucker.

Okay.

You heard her like,

call me honey baby.

I don't like that.

I didn't like that.

I don't like that.

One thing I hate worse is a finger in my asshole.

Oh my goodness.

It's a family show.

All right, man.

I pulled a Dwight.

Automatic voice message system.

She ain't playing.

She ain't playing no more, huh?

Who the hell that guy was?

He's an awful friend.

yeah here's someone that on wednesday posted they had a cherry curio cabinet any idea what curio

means curios are like those little pieces of like like uh porcelain little statuettes and

shit like that basically it's just a little junk cabinet that you've got glass over it

bright lights behind it you know you can stare at your junk it off very often because it's in

cabinet hello yeah hello you have for sale cherry curio cabinet with a plastic vagina inside hello

this is bill i saw that you had a cherry curio for sale cabinet yes i do okay all right um is

it still 150 you've had it on there since wednesday you haven't been able to sell the

motherfucker you know no not 150 if i want uh one is it nice nice nice shape any scratches on that

No, that was the condition.

Can I come down and test it out?

Oh, yeah, you're welcome to come and look at it, yeah.

Yeah, well, I need to test it out.

I want to put all my things in it there and see that it holds them all okay like I want it, you know,

and then maybe leave all my stuff in there for three days and then come back after three days

and make sure nothing happens, and then I'll take it.

I'll give you two.

No, thank you.

I don't think we'll do that.

Okay.

Okay, what about, can I attach a pocket pussy on it and fuck it?

Pocket pussy.

Oh, my.

Oh, pocket, huh?

Oh, shit.

Pocket on the pocket pussy?

Get a tango, man.

For your pocket, get tango.

All right, look, hey, you know them sugar gliders?

Andy wanted to get one of those once in.

Yeah, those motherfuckers that shit all up and down the back of the fucking couch

and fly from one side of the room and shit there and then fly to the other side and shit there.

They piss and shit, like, in the middle while they're flying around and stuff.

stuff every fucking way dude that's why they keep flying because they'd like they're going to the

next plot to fucking rip or piss whichever one yeah so for those who don't know the sugar glider

they're commonly they're are they an exotic i take a fucking fly swatter and i'd fix the sugar

right now milkman are they considered an exotic pet still or yeah right they're still an exotic

they're considered a nuisance all right but i really don't know dude they're like little rats

or squirrel-looking things

that are about to...

They're a retard.

They are a rat,

or a squirrel, dude.

But they look like

a flying rat, man.

But they're actually

a kind of squirrel.

But they're really

attached to their owners.

They fucking shit and piss

everywhere, dude.

Yeah, they do.

Like fucking bomb runs, man.

I'd take a fly swatter.

I'd fix that motherfucker

real quick.

He'd get here,

and he'd do it again.

Bop!

Yeah.

But they get really

attached to their owners,

you know,

and they shit and piss

all over you,

and they get, like,

Oh, hell, they shit and piss

all over me, huh?

Yeah, and they got the little Glidey arms.

They got the little Glidey arms, like those, you know, people go skydiving with them suits.

They go up and, like Batman, you know, Batman had that suit and it made like a big wing.

I'm just making fun of it.

I would never beat one up with a fly swatter.

It would be fun to imagine a game, right?

Sugar guy, Glidey fucking swatter.

That would be a good Android game.

I'd play it.

It would, man.

The motherfucker shit all over the back of the couch and shit.

i got a ruthless that's why i'm not real favorable talk favorably of them man because

they're little bastards they're fucking ruthless yeah hey i mean they hop and jump in the air right

okay they shit right and then they hop and jump in there and they're flying and they get on

something else jump and shit there and then hop again they're in the air your motherfuckers are

like hop around yeah no kidding man no for real you can't catch this motherfucker dude he's like

hopping and flying man that's why i said get a fly swatter knock him right out those little

little shits listen milkman you want to do that call i'm going to dial it you can do it if you

want to talk to him about their sugar glider after this we're going to loan some losing numbers

what is he doing he's trying to sell it sell it yeah for 150 100 100 100 you know what you know

what basically those black they're doing those fuckers especially that one guy the america's

out there get that rat shit out of here i can smoke this motherfucker

hello hello hello yeah oh yeah you got the you got the squirrel for sale you got the sugar

Sugar Glider Squirrel for sale?

I was looking here at the ad.

Oh, come on.

She heard the rap music, the cursing, and I think she kind of like...

That's my fault.

Damn it, man.

Yeah, you got the Squirrel, the Sugar Glider Squirrel for sale?

Yes, we do.

How much you guys asking for that?

We was asking $100.

Where did you get him from?

It was about from the Dunphin Valley Flea Market in Sevierville.

What was that?

Repeat that.

We're from the Smoky Mountain Flea Market in Sevierville, Tennessee.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Is it male or female?

Male.

Do you have papers for that?

No.

Has he been neutered?

No.

All right.

Has he been house trained?

No.

How do you keep him?

Are you keeping him in a cage or is he flying around?

She hung up.

Why did she hang up?

It's because you asked that.

I don't know.

I was getting ready to make fun about flying around and shitting on the room.

Yeah, she's like, uh, no.

I'll try her again.

Fuck, God damn it.

I'm going to talk to Milkman.

I'm going to hang up on Milkman.

Don't do that.

I want to say a thank you to Jason out there who just contributed $20 on Patreon.

Patreon.com slash prank call.

All has been forwarded to an automated voice message system.

Old fucking star for Jason, man.

Bing, bing, bing.

Yeah, you got it, man.

Take it away.

You got it, Jason.

That's my man.

Yeah, man, that's my man.

Thank you, Jason.

God bless you, man.

You're my M-word, man.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Hey, man.

It's all good in the madhouse, man.

It's all right, man.

That's our bros, man.

They got our back.

Thank you, sir.

They better.

Shits.

All right.

Let's continue with the next number.

This is Lonesome Loser stuff.

If you don't like it, we're going to make you fucking laugh.

Yeah.

Too bad.

You're going to laugh at it.

That's right.

We're going to make you fucking laugh if you don't like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

So, Lonesome Numbers now.

Here we go.

Hitting up Brunei.

is it an island? I believe, right?

Hitman, number's Hitman.

Do you know where Brunei is? It's in the

Pacific, I guess, right? Brunei.

Yeah, that's like, that's fucking, that's like

Brunei is like,

isn't that like in the

Himalayas or something like that?

It is in,

it's located on the north coast

of the island of Borneo in Southeast

Asia. Oh, okay.

Yes, it is.

I was actually thinking

of Bhutan. Okay, never mind.

you're right it is completely surrounded by the state of malaysia and separated into two parts

dude right uh no it's teeny tiny it looks like actually you can barely see on the map

let's see how big it is but on the same way too but i get i got them mixed up they sound so

close yeah yeah okay i got you let me go back down to their facts here they have their yeah

Yeah, look at this, 2,200 square miles, just about, that's it, is their domain.

Their GDP is $21.9 billion a year, and their population as of 2013 was 415,717, ranking 175th.

What the fuck, dude, that's like half a million, man, barely.

Holy fuck, that's huge.

Yeah, right.

Let's look to see how much the Virgin Islands has, like 65,000.

really that's it in the vi i was like one of 65 000 on the usvi or like combined british and

just usvi okay i can see that though it's small dude like see there's a fucking fart man you got

what you guys are huge man fucking puerto rico got the estate that real estate man

cuba has a better day man it's a fucking green on dude we're just like a little fart man compared

compared to you guys cuba's cuba's even bigger though dude uh yeah but hey look anyway look what

i was getting at milkman come on that's true we got a hotel over there in bruno it's calm

it says please enter valid phone number maybe i can't call bruno well in the meantime i'll go

ahead and i'll take another bong hit here all right yeah take your poison get your poison in

I got you, poison, right here.

Yeah, is this hotel?

Yes.

All right.

That's good.

I like hotel, you know?

Do you have beds?

Do you have beds in this country, or do I sleep on the floor, like animals?

Yeah, we have beds.

Okay.

Do you have water?

Yeah.

Do you have electricity?

Yes.

Do you have air to breathe?

Yeah, we have air.

To breathe oxygen?

Mm-hmm.

Oxygen-nitrogen mixture air?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, we have sunlight here.

Yeah.

You can have the pizza.

Yeah, we have shrimp in here.

Yeah, there's McDonald's, but not near the hotel.

Oh, but there is one, okay.

Do you have KFC?

What?

KFC.

KFC as in the beach?

as in uh kaka country no no no you you would know you would know um okay let's do you have sand

yeah okay they have water like ocean water hey i'm gonna hang up no but i need to make it

go ahead he's like leave the fuck alone dude not very helpful there

oh whatever like he's really helpful dude and after all shit that's funny all right let's keep

let's keep moving here how ignorant can i be man you whoa you got everything you got here

you have sunlight and darkness he's like yeah we have sun here he's trying not to laugh

as soon as the phone is like okay i gotta go bye all right here's the traders in in the same

location yeah hi you speak english you speak english hello hello you speak you speak english

stupid hello yes okay um do you have water what room number uh 112

They're speaking Malaysian.

I told her to transfer you.

That's what you told her, dude.

I just looked at the translation.

She said, you transfer me now.

That's what she said to me.

Yeah, hi, do you have water?

Yes, we have.

What room number?

1-1-2.

But you have to pay, yeah?

Okay, do you have toilet?

Of course we have.

Do you have sit-down toilet or standing toilet?

Of course we have.

We have.

Of course we have.

Oh, no, Ice Cube.

They shot him.

Oh, he hanged right up.

Damn.

Oh, man.

I know, right?

All right, moving right along.

as you say milkmans we have a very special number here from lonesome loser uh it's called the orchid

garden hotel why it's special is because it's in the isolated country uh of brunei that's why thank

you very much i don't know where i was going with that here we go can i help you yeah hi uh do you

have water water uh what do you mean by water sir do you have like water here at the hotel that i

I can use for washing and drinking?

Washing and drinking.

Water in this country, does it have water for drinking?

Yes, sir.

Okay, do you have sunlight?

Sunlight, yes, sir.

Do you have electricity?

Yes, sir, we have, sir.

Do you have lights inside the hotel?

Yes, sir.

Is it with fire or with electricity?

Sorry, sir?

The lights, are they fire lights or electricity?

Electricity, sir.

Okay, do you have toilets?

Yes, sir, we have, sir.

What kind, sitting toilet or standing toilet?

It's a sitting toilet, sir.

Okay, so I sit down and I push out, I push it out?

Yes, sir.

I sit down and push it out of my ass into the water in the toilet?

milkman i meant to mention

i'm sorry and maybe i shouldn't be doing it on there i'm not i'm not mad at you but i push it

out i'm gonna forget when you're doing that mute yourself if it's during a call because

there was a really funny prank like two weeks ago and you were doing that and i had to cut

a little part of it out because it had you

hit me with the bomb.

I get scared because my children were here

this one day and they're like, Daddy, why

were you still smoking marijuana with Uncle

Milkman? And I'll have to

explain it to them, you know what I mean?

Well, you can do drugs. It's cool, man.

You can do drugs. Drugs are good.

Yeah, but it just sounds like there's no

reason why I'm being...

The worst one is the fucking...

When you do your dabs, your shatter, your dab...

I don't fucking do it, man.

I don't do it that often. Come on, man.

That's why I tried to tell you.

So we do a segment, and you do it without me.

The first time you did it, I thought you were welding.

You're like, is Milkman welding a fucking Titanic over there?

It's a fucking blowtorch.

He's welding a submarine.

Fucking welding torch, dude.

What you got to do is a fucking piece of titanium, right?

And you got to heat it up with a torch.

So you're just like putting fire on it.

It's like a lighter, like times ten.

It's like a blowtorch.

Until the thing glows

And when it glows

Then you just take a little drop of the wax

Or whatever you put on there

And it immediately vaporizes it

And it gives it like this really beautiful sweet hit

And it's just perfect

But it fucking sounds like a fucking rocket engine

When it's like

It does man

I'm like alright bro

Come on man

Well okay can we do them at the beginning

Like I suggested

Maybe not at four minutes after

If you wait until later, though, if you wait until later, you'll have other people that will join you on the air because you've got several people that use medical marijuana.

Dude, you know what happens once you guys get on?

I get out.

You know that way it goes, man.

I cannot be heard.

I cannot have bandwidth.

Everybody comes on, I start losing connection.

I can't get in, and I'm not going to get there.

Yeah.

Enigma's mentioning, yes, Enigma.

I saw the trailer for Straight Outta Compton, and here's why I was excited.

I saw it during the Super Bowl

this is the movie about N.W.A

I'm so excited

A. because I'm hoping it's going to get Eazy-E some more respect

out there

Eazy-E also known as Eric Wright

was the founder of N.W.A and Ruthless Records

and he is the cat

that first worked with Cube

who we're listening to tonight

Ice Cube

Dr. Dre

MC Ren

and DJ Yella

this is all back late 80's early 90's

N.W.A

was the first of the

gangster rap fucking music

out there that took the world

by storm in the early 90s

starting in the early 90s

but it kind of started around 87, 88

I think with NWA and their workings

anyway there's a biopics coming out

I'm super excited about it, hopefully it's better

than the Biggie one, which I didn't think was all that bad

but anyway

I did see the trailer

I thought it was cool, I was super excited

because I knew that for a fact

That was the fall of Suge Knight was when they were shooting that trailer because the whole thing with him running the dude over and killing him, it happened during an argument that he was having while they were filming the bits at the beginning of that trailer where they're going out where it's Dre and Cube and they're going out now to the old hangouts and stuff like that, the old barbershop and talking about back in the day as the trailer's scoping out.

but also i do want to talk about the history of nwa here and eze i've always wanted to do that

it's one of those things that i've mentally checked in my head in my portfolio of things

to do on my show and one of them was to talk about the whole you know what i know through

my research of eze and ray and ice cube and the whole following of nwa starting with ice cube

who we're listening to tonight who in my mind was the most talented member of nwa hands down

and nwa jumped a shark when they lost ice cube there is with without a doubt ice cubist is the

best rapper like they had to kind of bring ice cube in sometimes because easy couldn't really

keep up with the flow that like you know sometimes although easy he was talented guy

talented rapper great businessman easy story is crazy man he would donate just for the fuck of

it to the george bush campaign did you hear about that easy gangster rapper came up and made his his

record business pretty likely on drug money um and was donating you know all that so he donated

so much money to george george bush the first the first one that he was invited to dinner with the

president so here you had a gangster rapper out of la right around the time of the la riots and

And he's sitting there in the White House having dinner with the president.

It was the most fucking awesome thing ever.

And then also I want to talk, I'm going to write all these points down, but the way he died of HIV, EZE, it's really messed up.

He didn't really show the symptoms, you know, that you would expect for someone just to all of a sudden be afflicted with pneumonia and die of full-blown HIV like he did.

a man who admittedly said on interviews that he never used condoms he hated using them he didn't

he couldn't stand them and that's what they point as point to as the reason he got hiv in the first

place but you would expect that he would have spread that to a few at least a few women um

if you believe the stories about him but that that apparently never happened i don't know

long story i'll get to that i got a whole i'm thinking about putting it on youtube as a matter

Matter of fact, before the movie comes out.

Because then I don't want to be Mr. Jumping on the Bandwagon.

I've always wanted to do this.

And I'm afraid if I wait until after the movie comes out, it's going to be Mr. Jumping on the Bandwagon.

The motherfucker's probably shooting up, man.

The motherfucker's shooting up, too.

Nah, I don't think he's ever shot up.

He didn't fuck with that shit.

That's poor man's drug shit.

He never used, other than smoking weed, I don't think he ever did.

You don't have to fucking shoot up just heroin.

You can shoot up coke, all that shit.

You can do anything, dude.

I really don't think that.

I think he's the kind of guy that...

You get fucking AIDS from needles, man, not women.

No, he got it.

They said he had groupies all the time, multiple women.

He talks about it on the Howard Stern Show.

He's being interviewed before any of the shit came out about him having AIDS.

And he's like, I don't use condoms.

He's like, fuck condoms.

They take all the feelings away.

I don't use that shit.

You hear him.

It's fucking awesome.

Yeah.

All right.

So anyway, I'll get to that.

Famous last words of a dead man.

It really is.

It took all the feelings away for good, didn't it?

It kind of did.

yeah anyway look i get so pissed off when i hear dr dre rapping like he had that one song he did

back in 2000 with eminem uh forgot about dre and he says who do you think brought you the you know

easy ease doc's i'm like what and the crew and and the crew that said motherfuck the police i'm like

dre you can't go around saying you brought nwa and easy e and fuck the police to the world that

That wasn't Dr. Dre.

That was Eazy-E.

We should be taking credit for that.

I always had a problem with that verse right there.

And no one ever gave...

What about Too Short, man?

No one ever gave Dre shit for that.

Too Short, I have no idea who that is right now.

Peel your cap, you keep talking shit.

No, all right, now, come on, mute.

Milkman, stop it.

Mute it up now, come on.

That's enough, you man.

So many thoughts.

How are you?

Hey, how you doing, woman?

I'm good.

Oh, yeah.

You speak good English?

Yeah, sure.

Do you have water?

Water. Yes. Yes, we do have. Do you have lights? Yes, sir. Is the light from a fire or from

electricity? Electricity. Okay. Do you have toilet? Yeah, we do have. Sitting toilet or

standing toilet? Sitting toilet. Do you have paper toilet? Yes, we do. Okay, for after I use the paper

toilet, right? What hand do I use for the paper toilet in this country? Left or right? Left, sir.

Left only?

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have pork?

Sorry, what is that?

Do you have pork in this country?

Pork?

Pork.

Pork meat?

Pork.

It's forbidden.

Hello?

For meat.

Yeah, for meat.

Meat.

Eating, yeah?

Do you have meat?

Yes, sir.

Do you have meat?

Do you have bread?

Yeah, we do have bread.

Okay.

Do you have vegetables?

Yes, we do, sir.

Okay.

Do you have hot water?

Yes, we do have.

What else have you people discovered here?

What else do you have?

Do you have floors?

Yes, we have floors.

Do you have walls?

Yes, sir.

Do you have a roof?

Yes.

Do you have windows with glass?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Do you have doors that open?

Yes, sir.

In this country, how do you open a door?

Just open the door, sir.

Do you open it?

But how exactly?

How does it work in this country?

Because not everywhere is the same, you know?

One moment, sir.

Okay.

I'm going to get off this topic now.

Now I'm getting, it's starting to piss me off.

Do you have Snapchat?

Good morning.

Good evening.

Oh, hey, honey.

How are you?

How may I help you?

Yeah, do you have, you have all these things then, right?

How can I help you, sir?

Was I talking to you or are you someone else's?

No, no, no.

I'm a new person.

I'm the customer service officer.

Oh, do you have water?

You're from what room number?

109.

Mm-hmm.

How many water would you need?

Well, no, I just want to make sure.

In this country, you have water, right, to drink, water drinking?

I believe those are not okay to drink.

Does the bathroom have water?

Does the bathroom flush, the toilet flush with water or with sand?

Is it dirty, sir?

I'll send someone for you.

Well, no, I've never been to this country before, and I need to know,

do you have the floor do i put my feet on the floor to walk are you on a mobile phone or yeah

i'm on my mobile phone do you have telephone here this call i'll get this call and i'll call you on

on your room no i disconnected the phone because i don't know i don't know how it works i don't i

can't read the numbers are not in english they're not english numbers they're in i guess bruni what

What do you speak here, Malaysian, Malay?

Malaysian, yeah.

Your numbers are in Malaysian.

They're different, I think.

Yeah, I know.

But then, what do you exactly need in your room?

I just want to make sure that when I want to walk somewhere,

that I put my feet on the floor, you know, right?

Okay, and then I go to the door.

And how does the door open in this country?

How do you open the door?

There's an electronic part.

No, but after you do, I mean,

like if i want to go outside how do i open the door can i meet you in person where are you exactly

at this moment um well i'm kind of nervous right now you know so you are from one home right yeah

but i'm not in the room now because i got scared why because i don't know how to walk here you know

do you have air to breathe what do you mean i can't get it exactly well i i'm from a different

different country so i need to make sure in this country how do you walk and move and open the door

and close the door you know what about i i can't get it what do you mean by you you cannot walk

you don't know how to walk in this country it's got to be different i don't know do i put my feet

on the ground do i leave them up when i walk do i use the hands to walk do i use two two you're

going to nobody would ever walk using their hands right uh some people can and i can i'm quite fit

um well do i use forehand you use your feet to walk feet and hands or just the feet feet okay

and i put them on the ground right and then the foot goes the left foot first and then the right

foot and first and you keep going yes okay and then to make the water to make the water to make

Okay, you need to turn the faucet on, usually clockwise, so counter-clockwise.

Yes, sir.

No, but then there are some faucets that you need to lift and then put down back.

Okay, I think I saw those when I went to Australia.

The water in each room might not be potable.

Uh-huh.

That's why we provide less water for you.

Okay.

All right, now, when I want to go to the toilet, then, so, the toilet has this lid on top, right?

And then I sit down, but I put the lid up first, right?

Yes, sir.

And then I sit on the chair?

Yes.

All right, do I face the back or the front?

What do you mean, sir?

And where I'm from, the toilet looks completely different than it does here.

This one looks like a chair.

Okay.

It's like how you normally sit on a chair.

But then do I take my pants off first?

Of course.

And then the underwears?

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't really understand.

But then are you, is there any possibility you're in your room?

No.

Because I'm meeting a lot of people.

No.

You're from room 109?

Yeah, but I'm hiding because I'm scared.

Why are you scared?

What makes you scared in a room?

The, I don't know how to use this type of toilet that you have in this country.

That's why I don't want you to be scared, and I wish to instruct you in person.

Will you show me how you use?

Will you sit on, you will sit on the toilet for me and show me?

I'm sorry, sir.

May I verify your name?

Oh, I like to see a girl go pee-pee, you know?

I like to see her go pee.

I'm sorry.

Sir, I cannot entertain this kind of conversation.

But you said you're going to demonstrate the toilet for me.

You get on there, you pull your pants and your panties down, and you let it go.

All your waters.

Sir, I just want to warn you that all calls are recorded.

Well, I'm a guest there, so you know where I'm staying.

So urinate for me right now in a bucket.

I want to hear it.

I'm masturbating.

I'm going to drop this call.

I'm masturbating.

I'm going to drop this call, sir.

I apologize.

Oh, come on.

Marry me, I'll give you American citizenship

All you have to do is watch me masturbate

I don't care

Come on, I'll bring you to

You can be my wife

And I'll bring you to my country

You'll have American citizenship

It's a great

I'm sorry

Come on, please

All you have to do is watch me masturbate

I will never try to have sex with you

You just have to watch

I can't watch you masturbate

And I can't listen to you masturbating on the phone

Thank you so much

I'm going to end this call

Okay, bye

oh i lost milkman shit when did i lose them how long was that call holy shit that's the

longest call i got lost in that i cannot watch you masturbate i cannot hear you masturbate

cannot listen to you masturbate ah nice shit ball shit damn it all right uh moving right along we

got the last four to make sure yes we got another one last hotel in brunei i'm gonna do this one

real quick i'll be really stupid i'm just gonna say bruno is stupid burn it to burn it

yeah hi you're this is a stupid country really it's a stupid country this is a stupid country

yeah i'm here it's very stupid okay what do you want can you fix that please no what do you do

then what good are you for i mean what good i'm gonna hang up what good things you do

Aw, stupid, thanks.

We're still trying to connect here with old Milkman, old man Milkman.

Still going through.

Hey, there you are.

Hello, Milkman.

Hello, San Francisco.

How are you?

Open up your pearly gates.

Your golden gates.

How you doing, Milkman?

All right, man.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I got you back.

Yay!

Isn't that great?

Hello?

What's wrong?

Hello?

Nothing, man.

Go ahead.

You're talking weird.

Did I say something to offend you?

Okay.

Are you having a stroke?

I'm just being quiet, dude.

Dude, I mean, every time I make a noise, dude, it's like bumming you out.

I'm just going to keep it on mute, you know?

I got no bandwidth dropping out.

Oh, don't be like that.

Come on.

Stop it.

Be mean.

Don't be upset, man.

I'm not upset.

I'm just like, come on, dude.

I don't want to fucking bum you out, dude.

I'm like, it keeps dropping out, and I can't call you back because you won't answer.

I was on a call.

I didn't know, and I called you back soon as I called.

That's why I don't call back no more, dude.

Oh, well, I called you back.

Come on.

Look, we got Ataobakute.

what is this this is in malaysia shit who said is malaysia on our side are they cool with america

they're islamic i think yeah they are because i'm looking at the page and it says yeah that they're

indonesia's islamic dudes i believe i believe so hello hey how are you honey huh huh yeah hello

yeah hi how are you how are you hello mr malaysia hello hotel

tell no hi how are you you see he's me fuck him fuck that place i gotta talk to them

he was making fun of me he did his eyes really wide with his fingers and went

oh that's what he said i was doing

all right for the next number going to the chat list it doesn't want to come up there it goes

okay uh dragon seafood restaurant in malaysia now this place has to speak english because it's a

seafood restaurant like you know it's all in english instead of saying google yeah you sound

like shit where are you oh oh fuck you and your phone jesus christ hello what's up i called and

some lady picked up who is that yeah the lady i just talked to her yeah yeah she said uh okay

She offered me a secret, special secret sauce, she said.

Mm-hmm.

Like a sexual, a sexual sauce, she said.

Yeah, she offered me a sexual sauce.

Sexual sauce, she said.

From?

Sexual, sexual.

Sexual?

Sexual, like...

Wait, where are you calling from?

Uh, I'm on the street.

I'm on the street.

On the street outside, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Uh, what do you want?

I want the number 12.

You have number 12?

Number 12?

Uh-huh.

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. All right, can I get general...

All right, look, look, listen.

All right, can I get emperor chicken? Do you have that?

Do you have emperor chicken?

Chicken! I want chicken!

Oh, you want chicken?

Yeah, chicken.

Yes, we have chicken.

Do you have water?

You want water, yes.

Okay. Well, chicken with water.

Oh, you want...

What? Do I want...

Do I want what?

Do you want come...

No, no, I don't want to come.

No, I'm not coming to this stupid fucking restaurant.

No.

Bullshit.

Come on.

Chicken.

One chicken.

One chicken?

Yeah.

Two ducks.

In Miri or not?

Yes.

You are in Miri, so you want the odor and then you come to...

Yeah, and then I'll put it in the toilet with my ass.

I eat it and I shit in the toilet after to shit it out in the toilet.

Do you know what is shit?

Do you know shit?

I want to shit in the toilet after I eat it.

I want to take a shit in the toilet and pass it through my body.

The chicken, I want to digest it and pass it and shit it.

Shit it out.

Look, man, I guess he understood that, huh?

Shit.

He doesn't seem too pleased.

No, really, shit.

Let's try him again.

What the hell?

Hello, Derventius Wood?

Yeah, hi.

Hesap Batang?

Okay, hello?

Yeah, Hesap Batang?

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, I want Hesap Batang.

Reserve.

What?

Hello?

Yeah.

Do you want a big reserve?

Reserve for Hissap Batang, yeah.

What time?

When.

What time you have for free.

What time is free.

Open.

One hour?

Open.

Here is a restaurant.

Yeah, I want you to Hissap Batang at the restaurant.

We open 11 a.m. until 2 p.m.

Listen, suck my dick.

Suck my dick, okay?

Okay, wrong number.

Hissap Batang, suck my dick.

Whatever.

they never whenever i see someone saying hey tell them this it means this and this

language what the hell was that he said but i'm supposed to say suck my dick oh she didn't seem

to think she didn't seem to think that she says like he said i don't know why he said that thing

moving right along then we got more numbers on malaysia here we go this is madly's lot that's

all i got madly's lot a

women rapper

Hey stupid how are you

Hi

Yeah I'd like to make an order

I want to make an order

Yeah you want order

Sorry

Hello

I want to make order

It's to

To suck the dick, you know?

Suck pee-pee?

Suck penis?

You know when the man goes...

Like that?

You know when the man goes like this?

Like that?

No, I just want it from the fucking...

But the mouth, you know?

Mouth.

I want to use the mouth.

Yeah, but can I get fucking?

Can I get fucking from a sexy girl?

Where can I get fucking, then?

Close.

Close to here.

Yeah, but they have those in this country.

that's why I came here

they told me

that they have them

here in

no this is a

Muslim

yeah but

here in Malaysia

they have

sex house

right

sex

where you go

yeah

that one

you can go

on the massage

paddling

okay

where can I go

tell me where to go

why don't you walk around

I did

and I

paid for two

already

and both times

they don't want to touch

you know

but do you know

a place

do you know

where can I go

No, give me a street.

Just give me a street.

Come on.

Go to Ming Cafe.

Ming Cafe?

No, that's a place that you're a business with or against.

Come on, for real.

Give me a street.

No, you go there.

And what do I say?

Ming Cafe area.

Ming Cafe?

Okay.

And then they over there.

And they have massage there?

Pretty sure.

Okay, and then I can go, oh, oh, yeah.

I'm doing it now.

What are you doing?

I'm doing it now.

Oh, I'm doing it now.

What, he said he's going to do it in your mouth?

you said i could do it in my mouth i guess he said in my mouth he was pretty good

there was a scuffle this turned into a riot and it spread through central harvard

negroes threw bottles at the police orders to disperse were ignored and huge

yeah hi uh do you like do you like sex

He doesn't like sex

He's Muslim

He said it's a Muslim restaurant

Malay Muslim restaurant

I don't know, the name of the place was Lot

Right? Madly's Lot

What am I supposed to think it is?

Sexual place

Alright, well let's find out

Let's call Secret Recipe in Palida Commercial Center

Which is also a lot

Let's do it guys

Hey buddy

I keep dropping out

dude this is fucking it's don't get mad at me when you drop out it's if i didn't call you back

immediately as soon as i noticed i called you right back i was on a long call and i forget what

it was but it was kind of funny what i was saying i got malaysian lady really mad what was i saying

guys the chat remembers it was like 10 minutes ago i don't remember but i didn't mean to make

you mad milkman you know i love you you know you're the heart of the show you're the heart

I made a heart with my hands

I made the Justin Bieber heart

It keeps cutting out really bad

I ain't got no bandwidth

It's horrible tonight

Hello, how are you?

Hello

Yeah, hi

I need you to fix the

You need to fix the internet

Fix internet, go make computer

Make the computer go

Oh no

Yes, you have to make computer go

Hmm?

You have to make computer go for Milkman.

He has to make computer go.

Um, no.

Oh, it's a secret recipe?

Yes, recipe.

Can I make an order?

Hmm?

I like to make an order.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Make sexy.

Hello?

Hi, I want to make an order.

Uh, what do you want to order?

Uh, one sexual kissing.

What's that?

Sexual kissing.

Sexual kissing?

Uh-huh.

Who are you?

Oh, my name is Bill.

I'm Bill.

Bill Clinton.

Huh?

Bill Clinton, and I want sexual kissing.

Sexual kissing?

Mm-hmm.

Who's that?

It's not a person.

It's a service for takeaway.

One order of starving gay.

You are the one that's drinking long black coffee before?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you like me?

I'm looking for Anne, I think.

Looking for Anne or Oli, I think.

Yeah.

She's off day today.

Oh, because I had sex with her.

I already had sex.

Really?

I had sex with her already, yeah.

And then I had my ring on.

I was wearing a ring.

Are you listening?

You are there coming, drinking long black coffee?

Long black coffee, yeah.

Oh.

Okay, but she's off day today.

But I need to tell you, and you need to take a message, because there's a problem, okay?

Listen.

Because I don't have her phone number.

But listen, listen to me.

I need to tell you what happened, okay?

Okay?

I tell you?

Uh-huh.

All right.

Do you know what fingering is?

Fingering a girl to put the fingers inside the woman?

I don't think so.

Why?

Do you know what it is to put the finger inside a woman?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Um, about this one, I cannot, I cannot say anything, because it's a long story.

Oh, can I talk to someone else, then, that speaks English?

Um, there's somebody here, but, um, because one of the girls that you told me, she's off day to day.

Okay, well, fuck you, fuck you, I had a nice story and everything, fuck you, asshole, stupid fucking shit, fuck shit, asshole fucking.

Uh, no, don't have, only that.

Okay, alright, well, thank you.

Yes, bye.

Bye.

My guy doesn't speak a lick of English himself, for fuck's sake.

I don't know.

That's when you could ask some silly questions.

He got the gist that some American tourist...

You really like getting me asked?

Okay, okay.

Well, he got the gist that some American tourist over there is getting fucked in the...

Well, is fucking...

He said it was a Muslim cafe, right?

Is that what he said?

A Muslim cafe?

Well, it's a Muslim country, and that was a cafe we just called.

First guy said it was a Muslim cafe.

I said, order a BLT.

BLT?

Yeah, bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

What else can't they eat?

Bacon, pork chops, and ham.

Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, a BLT.

I'm not a big fan of those.

You know what I like?

A club sandwich, though, you know, where you get the turkey with the bacon.

Well, it's got to have pork in it at least, dude.

If it's a real Islamic place, man, Muslim place, dude,

you should at least have pork in the basic ingredient in the recipe, man.

I mean, if not, then they might be Hebrew.

I don't know, dude.

It's fucking nice.

You didn't, right?

More shit than a pigeon?

I get it.

Fucking just be a fucking stupid shit.

Yeah, hey, I'm dropping more shit than a pigeon.

Hello?

Oh, fuck.

Oops, sorry.

I got to focus.

We see a lost connection there, dude.

Try that again.

Redial.

Hey.

Hello?

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

Okay.

Yeah.

Sexual kissing?

Huh?

Sexual kissing.

What the?

Abadou?

By Marvin Gaye.

Yeah, do you have Sexual Kissing by Marvin Gaye on vinyl?

That's a great Marvin Gaye song, dude.

I can't believe they don't know that she hadn't heard that, man.

That's a Motown, like, classic.

God damn.

Sexual kissing.

Remember?

Yeah.

Sexual killing, sexual kissing.

Right, right.

Okay.

I dig.

Yeah, I was there.

Remember?

Yeah, that was a great song.

Here's the next restaurant in Malaysia.

It's Malaysian night.

You know that Marvin Gaye's mom shot him?

Really?

Yeah, man.

He didn't know he was his own...

He had his own hair.

No, I didn't know that.

No, seriously, I didn't know that.

It was really his own dad shot.

Not his dad shot.

It was his father.

Great Charles Royce.

Hello, I'm Sun Jin.

Hey, how are you doing?

I would like to make an order, please.

Oh, Sun Jin.

I make order.

Making order?

Make an order for tonight?

Yeah.

Now?

For now.

Now, now.

How many person?

Two.

Two person, huh?

Yeah, and I want to have sexual kissing.

Sexual kissing.

Do you know what sex is in sexual kissing?

Sorry?

Do you know sex?

No.

You don't know?

You know when the man and the woman have sex and kiss and make a baby?

You are booking, huh?

You are booking the paper, huh?

Fucking, yeah, fucking.

You know fucking?

Can you give me your name?

Pines Potonga.

Yeah, my name is Akulo.

Can you come to the restaurant here?

Restaurant?

Yeah, Sin Sunji Restaurant here.

You want to book in the paper, huh?

Yeah, shut up.

Can you shut up?

All right, whatever.

That's the one I heard.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, right.

We lost her, dude.

What happened, man?

I think the connection dropped.

Oh.

Yeah, hi.

Old town white coffee lot.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'd like to make an order.

I want to make an order.

One coffee.

One coffee?

Yeah.

One hota?

With hot water.

Hota?

Hot coffee.

Okay.

And food.

Yeah.

One cup.

Okay.

One hot coffee, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

And one sexual kissing.

Okay.

Sexual kissing.

Whatever.

I got to let that go.

All right.

I got to get on something else, man.

yummy yummy shabu-shabu restaurant in malaysia shabu-shabu is a shibu-shibu

i have shibu-shibu no seriously have you ever had it shabu-shabu yeah i want to make i want

shabu-shabu yeah i want to make an order stupid yeah hi i'd like to make an order please next

Next order, you're calling from where?

Excuse me?

Are you calling from where?

From where, yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, I called from there, yeah.

Yes, I called from there, yes.

Wherever you say, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, hello, hello.

Shit.

It's ours.

No, it's okay.

It's ours.

She said, are you calling for somebody?

She's transholding.

I'm calling for somebody.

I'd like to make an order.

Order?

You can call me.

For food.

Hello?

Yeah, I want to make an order.

Beginning?

Oh, I think you have called the wrong number already.

Sorry?

You don't call this kind of thing, actually, sir?

You called the wrong number already, sir?

No, this is the place that I was calling.

I forget right there whatever it was.

But I want to have sexual kissing from you.

From man or woman.

I don't care if it's man or woman, you know?

This is shabu-shabu, yummy-yummy shabu-shabu.

What is this?

This is a computer shop.

Oh, yeah, I have to call a computer shop.

Okay, do you have Intel processors?

No.

What do you carry there as far as for computer machine?

A Canon.

You have a Canon computer?

No.

Are you calling from where, sir?

From where, yeah.

Hello?

Yes, I am, motherfucker.

Son of a bitch.

I guess they know English pretty well there.

He had like a British thing.

It sounded like someone was putting us on for a second.

They know the curse birds.

I was hoping he wouldn't do that.

I want to find out what space it is.

It's a way.

I wanted him to say what way it is, dude.

It's a place, I think.

Way.

I'm sorry, can you read?

I need computer.

Computer?

Fixed computer?

Yeah, can you make the computer go?

Sorry?

Can you make my computer go?

Shabu-shabu.

We want a compact shabu-shabu.

Or how about HP shabu-shabu?

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, I like...

HP shabu-shabu.

I need to make the computer go.

You make your computer go?

Mm-hmm.

I am far from...

You are calling from where?

I'm calling from...

The voice is very bad.

I can't hear.

Shut up.

I'm calling from my hotel.

I can't hear.

Shut up, fucker.

I'm trying to talk to you, okay?

I'm trying to explain it.

You are a fucker.

No, you are a fucker.

You don't call me fucker, okay?

Fucker, you.

Fucking shit, I'm trying to tell him.

Listen, Chinese fag.

God damn him.

Listen, Chinese fag.

Bagged on, man.

It was a fucking Chinese faggot.

Jeez.

Hello?

Please, help.

Oh, shit.

You're a fucking Chinese faggot.

Listen.

Asshole.

Fuck this.

Oh, boy.

So what do you got going on this week, Milkman?

Anything big?

Just chilling?

Doing your normal thing?

Work, man.

I'm fucking working my ass off, dude.

Yep.

You got to get that work in, baby.

Yeah, that's all I do, man.

Get that work machine.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you know, man, since I got knocked down, man, since I got knocked down, I've been trying to play catch up, you know, bring it back, man, so I got to keep on doing it, man.

Yeah, bring it back, bring it back, baby, bring it back.

All right, shall we continue?

Another prank call.

Yeah, hey, hey, you know what?

What's up?

Remember the guy I told you about?

Did you check him out on the...

I know.

i need a i need a computer to go hello did you give me his phone number i saw one of his videos

milkman uh the ke6 why do you check it out on youtube yeah i did i saw he's fucking nuts i saw

i got to see one before the show started yeah yeah i did let's call it yeah let's call it

let's call it dude where's his phone number did you send it to me hello can you send me the number

you're breaking up this is internal yeah i know yeah i'm not gonna share with anybody buddy give

me the number and i'll call it all right yeah i'm ready so milkman knows this guy on is it ham radio

ham radio you gotta look at how to look in your skype shit all right i will i got him i'm waiting

please type it up i got it uh milkman uh knows this guy through like i said what is it uh ham

ham radio then not cb radio ham radio or is it the same thing milkman yeah msd3 plays

can you hear me yeah i'm dropping out yeah you're dropping out i guess because i'm asking you to

explain the guy to be equal oh okay yeah he is from he is from ham radio yeah been on ham radio

for years he uh really a funny guy you know he kind of reminds me of crazy fucker like on

on on on speed at about like maybe like uh only 15 percent presence he's like the guy is just a

treasure trove of just like insanity and hilarity man i think he deserves a call i mean some of the

stuff he's done and adventures and his stories alone i think just one story would enlighten

everybody man i think he deserves a call so you think like a crazy fucker kind of guy like we used

to having to show up yeah actually him and his brother okay here's okay him and his brother are

staying together okay they've been through all kinds of shit and one of the adventures earlier

on was about a year year and a half ago they were homeless and um they got in a fight over some food

and the fucking one brother bit the finger off of the other one they fucking sewed it back on

they're still hanging out he won was in like prison for a while for that shit then they come

back out and they're hanging on and like i guess the fingers kind of like hanging on crooked now

Now they showed it back on part one.

Oh, my God, dude.

I mean, there's, like, all kinds of great stories.

This is fucking drama, bro.

They showed pictures of it.

It's true, man.

It's really fucking true.

I saw the pictures.

I was like, motherfucker, you weren't joking, man.

So I'm hoping I'm not watching the YouTube feed,

but I'm hoping that on YouTube we are enjoying restored quality of video

so that you can actually read the chat

room when I post it on the YouTube video

and if you're not watching the

YouTube video keep in mind you can watch me

while I'm doing this but there is no

music in the background

but you can watch

me doing the show

and also keep in touch with the chat

room that's over at

madhouselife.com

is probably the quickest way to get that

and if you are in the YouTube

chat room or the YouTube

video page

on the channel, be sure to

appreciate that.

Alright, enough of the

shit. Yeah, if you're able to see

any of the video,

Mono is not wearing pants in any

of the videos that you're able to see him on.

So, keep that in mind

and everybody should go watch the video.

He's not wearing pants. Yeah, do it now.

Not that you can see that, but I just wanted

you to know. Exactly. Thank you.

All right, here's the guy.

What's his name again?

Robert?

And what is it called?

Is it your...

Robert, yeah.

Is it your...

Whitey O.

Call me Whitey O, Robert.

What do you call it?

Your handle?

Your neck?

What do you call it?

K-E whatever.

What is he?

K-E-6 Whitey O?

Whitey O is his call sign.

His call sign.

His call is Whitey O.

Yeah, it's his call.

K-E-6 Whitey O for any hams that may be out there listening.

Call him Whitey O.

Yeah, Whitey O.

Everybody calls him Whitey O.

And if you need his name, it's Robert.

Do you have a call sign?

Do you not want to give it out as a private?

As a private?

I'll never give it a year.

Okay.

I'll never give it a year.

I've had an FCC license for like 30 years almost.

Can you get a vanity call sign?

Do you have to pay for it or something?

Do you?

Is that possible?

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Is that Robert?

Who are you?

Robert.

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, this is K-K-L-A-A.

K-L-Who?

K-K-K-L-A.

a that's my call sign oh okay yeah how you doing boy well i just barely hanging in there barely

why what's wrong bubba huh what's wrong bubba what's wrong bubba what's going on you all right

yeah man uh we talk on the radio on the ham machine the ham radio machine he said to give

you a call if i was ever down he said if you're ever down man just give me a call anytime he said

to me yeah yeah i got you well you drunk maybe you don't remember because we had like a real

deep conversation

we masturbated

and everything

fuck me

I'm not your type man

look

just look at my dick

don't look at my dick

but I'm not your type

but you told me

you said that

you normally don't do this

but you just wanted

to get

oh shit dude

I was hoping

you could keep him going

dude

cause he was like

really going on

with some shit

I'll be nice to him

I'll see

Jack customer

you have called

is unavailable

he's got

he's got magic

Jack milkman

oh that's what that is oh shit what i hung up on him what the fuck's wrong with me hello

bing bong we're right at midnight time customer you have called is unavailable okay milkman we

gotta be taking a break here pretty soon you know what i mean gotta be taking a break

when we come back we got more numbers from lonesome loser uh in malaysia um i'm sure

dwight might be able to whip up some numbers for us here off the old gumbo stick i have no idea

idea what i meant or where i was going with that um we also got numbers in saipan milkman you can

do some research give us a report saipan everything you know about them and uh we also have new zealand

in the hills i'm sure we get some uk wankers maybe we'll get some american numbers um and when i come

back i might have some guests too you know the old crew the normal madhouse extended committee

We'll be here.

Be sure to head over to MadhouseLive.com and PrankCallNation.com.

Now's a good opportunity while we're on break.

All right, I'll be right back in a few minutes.

Thank you.

Stand by.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Homo Hotel, Tehran.

Hey, this is the Homo Hotel.

You did that with just one ticket.

Peace and love.

Calling the operator.

Please wait a moment.

Peace and love.

Hello?

Yes, hi. What was that?

Gentleman. Yes, sir?

This is the HOMA hotel, right?

Yes, it is.

So HOMA stands for homosexual? That's why I was calling.

No, gentleman, listen. Not homosexual.

This is the homosexual hotel in Iran.

No, no.

Yeah, this is the HOMA hotel. Not the homosexual.

This is not...

What do you mean, sexual?

No, I was looking for the...

I went on the computer and I looked for homosexual hotel in Iran,

No, no, that's right. That's, that's right.

I give you information that we're not allowed to give you the room. I give you information.

It's possible.

No.

i i afraid you no you're afraid of me it's okay don't be scared i'm not going to hurt you i'll

do it soft anyway no i'll do it soft like when i do it you can get the room you can get the room

ella okay nobody can enter to your room okay so just me by myself and you in the room it's

possible no i'm not just for yourself just yourself not work with me well how can i where's

your room because i have because i have girlfriend no you're not married though you said i married

married a boy to a boy they do that and I didn't know they did that and I ran really okay I'm just

yeah and unfortunately I don't have enough time how many times let me ask you this how many

fathers do you have how many fathers I have yeah I don't have any father you don't have a father I

don't know my father I don't know my father because I don't know your mother is a prostitute

right your mother's but no why don't you know who your father is maybe your mother is a prostitute

Maybe that's why I like to kiss her.

Anyway, let me cut your line, huh?

No, I do not.

You don't do it or there's going to be trouble for you.

I can, but I can't.

But listen, I have you recorded saying that you have a boyfriend.

So I'm going to call the Republican Guard now and play that for them.

What was your name?

No.

What's your name?

My name is Hansen Taginaghi.

Hansen Taginaghi?

Yes.

So I'm going to call.

I'm going to tell the Republican Guard that at the homosexual hotel

a boyfriend and that's you and they're going to come they're going to take you they're going to

arrest you because it's my duty it's already it is not the homosexual this is the home hotel

uh the homosexual hotel yes yeah no i'm not homosexual well why are you answering the phone

then if it's not the homosexual hotel why are you answering the phone i don't understand yeah you're

right you're right this is the homosexual okay so then i'm gonna tell i'm gonna it's my duty to

report this to the government that's what they tell me that i'm supposed to report homosexuals

to them immediately so i'm going to do this let me let me be standing in line no i will not let

you no no i i i do no did you put me down for one bedroom one bed one room two men yet you can

come to home okay you can come okay i'm gonna come i'm gonna come okay and i'll come to your

room i'll come to your room okay you're gonna kiss me you come okay you come i will i'll come

to your room and show i will kiss or you will kiss okay who's gonna kiss first you or me of

Of course you will kiss.

I will kiss you, and then you will kiss me back,

or you just want to see what it's like?

Homosexual hotel.

Let's go.

I'm breaking my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes.

It's a long way to test out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Sky, real quick.

Give me a second.

Hello?

Can you excuse me while I kiss the sky for a second?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

Is this...

You can't click.

Is this out below?

This is out below, yes.

Okay, yes.

I'm going to pick it up and machine.

Handman, pick it up.

Can I have your order, please?

Yes, I'd like...

Starters.

What?

Starters.

I'm American.

The starter, what?

What do you mean?

What is that?

It means any starters from the menu.

I don't...

The starter I know goes in the car, and I got to rental.

I need to order a palau rice, or pi...

Just main meal, then, yes?

English, please.

Pi lo...

How is it?

Yes.

This is like...

You know, I'm American, and I only speak American.

That's quite right.

Some of this...

Because I know you guys put the U in color.

I guess this is pilau.

Which main dish would you like to order?

The pila rice.

The rice, but which is the dish you want to order?

All right, what is pupa?

The meal.

Pupa da'ams.

Two in a portion.

Yeah, two in one portion.

No, no, no, I want the whole thing, not a portion.

No, no, what I meant to say, how many papadums would you like to order?

If you're ordering one portion, that's when you'll get two papadums, that's in one portion, which is as well.

I don't want a portion of it, I want the whole order.

No, no.

No, you misunderstood me there.

You have ordered papadums.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, exactly.

Papadums for the, yeah, two of us, papadums.

If you want two portions, that's four.

Yeah, but you understand.

One portion, then it's two papadums.

Okay, a portion is a part.

Two, two, yeah.

But I'm asking, I want the whole thing.

I don't just want a portion.

I want the whole order for two people.

Hi there, what would you like to order?

Yes, I'm ordering pillow.

Is it a yellow rice?

It's a, look, I really only, my first language is American.

and i'm from america and uh not not this english stuff and this one here says p-i-l-a-u so i know

the you so it's pronounced as pilau it's yes that one yeah and it's two of us now he said a portion

i'm explaining i want the whole thing not just a portion of it no the whole thing is one portion

you got two pieces and the chutney okay but what i'm saying i don't want a portion of the order

I want the whole order, you know, I want the whole thing, not just a part of it, not a portion.

I want a completion of it.

Yeah, yeah, you know, like, that is a whole bit.

I want two completions.

Yeah, okay, two completions, yeah.

Okay, great.

Two of them, yeah.

Two completions.

Pappanums.

Pappanums, yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Okay, now.

What curries would you like?

I'm sorry?

Like?

I see the chicken curry with extra cockroaches.

With extra cockroaches, please.

Where are you calling from?

The United States of America.

Do you have any palmetto beetles?

We call them cockroaches.

Well, I mean, it's a free country, sir.

This is America.

I make an order where I want.

I feel...

No, no, no.

Shut your mouth.

Sir, I'm American.

Watch your mouth.

Shut the fuck up, you bastard.

Excuse me, this is...

American bastard.

...for you, sir.

Shut up.

For what we've done for you.

You wake up in the morning, you thank God for us.

Yes, we do.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fucking penis!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Toll free at 1-888-278-8509.

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman, ever, ever, make you who you are.

Hey, hip, hip, hip, hip.

We are back.

Milkman dropped.

Let's call Milkman back.

First of all, I'm Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio, here for the second half of our show

for the 13th of March, 2015.

Thank God we're out of February because I always have a hard time pronouncing February.

February.

You know, and it makes me very self-conscious, very self-conscious.

about having to say them words.

So thank God I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Yes, it's March 15th, 2015.

We are live.

So we'll get back to the prank call.

Winifred Milkman and Reconnect.

And if anyone wants to join the show,

hit me up on Skype right now.

We can get that done,

get our little conference going.

We'll get a lot of complaints on the YouTube.

Whenever that happens,

people get mad on YouTube.

And I'm like, whatever, I'm the host

I make a decision, I stick to it

But sometimes it can be too much

You're right, sometimes it is too much

It can be too much

But while we wait for these people to come here

These pieces of trash

To join me

I will continue my show

I don't need them

And our next call will be

Let's get off of that dick

As far as Malaysia is concerned

And move on to New Zealand

Where we'll call an Indian restaurant

Banjot

Great Indian restaurant, can I help?

I'd like to make an order

Right now

Just a moment, please

Oh, thank you

Do you like, please?

One, do you have papadums?

Yes, we do

Alright, one order of papadums

A completion

One completion

A completion, sir.

Yeah, not just a portion, I'd like a whole completion.

Okay.

One bhenchod.

Sure.

Okay.

One sister.

To the sister, I will make chod also.

You're not alive.

Then I want to put mango chutney on your body.

Try yours.

Try mine.

Try mine, huh?

Pendejo.

Pendejo, cabrón.

You think I'm afraid?

You think I'm scared?

Hello.

Good evening.

Good evening, sir.

Can I get that order, please?

Yeah.

I want your sister to...

Phone, phone, down cut the phone.

Huh?

Down cut the phone.

No.

No down phone.

You down cut the phone, motherfucker.

Banchot.

Oh, come on.

All right, I'll stop.

Enough of that.

Anyone join?

Is anyone here?

They're still trying to join.

We got Baz, Dwight, Neon, and RBCP have been invited.

Baz asked to be invited, so that's a good sign.

but he did not connect

fucker

Dwight's always on

so he'll probably join

that was great India restaurant everybody

yay

next is Tulsi

Contemporary

Carlito you're dropping the stream and all of us

like really bad

a lot since when

ever since you went on break the stream keeps dropping

imagine that

and i just got dropped from the comp imagine that all right well give me a second i can fix it

a little easier cool hello hello yeah i'd like to make an order yeah what would you like to have

hello papadums one papadums hello one papadums one papadums papadum yeah i can't hear you

that's why stupid hello yeah one papadum stupid yeah okay one bench hold sorry bench hold bench

Uh, we don't sell like that.

You don't have sisters or brothers or anything?

You don't have any sister or brother?

Hello, who are you?

I'm a friend.

I'm a special friend.

Samira Ban.

I'd like to make an order.

Yeah, what would you like to have?

One sister.

And you bring sister in front?

You should break some shit.

Let's go get him, Carlito.

What music?

Hey, Banjot.

I'd like to make an order.

Hello?

I'd like to make an order, Banjot.

Sorry?

I'd like to make an order, Banjot.

Who's speaking?

uh muhammad yeah what would you like to have uh one papadum one papadum uh-huh one sister

to fuck sorry one sister to fuck i can't hear you one sister to fuck what are you after brother

i'm after your sister i want to fuck i think that's pretty self-explanation you're just

gonna sit there come on man get mad do something do something you stupid monkey

you monkey animal come on do something monkey animal fucking monkey stupid monkey inferior

inferior people, inferior men, inferior

person. Somebody lets their vibrator

on. It's a dirt

person. Sound the wonk alarm.

I do. Are you guys go

Indian restaurant? Yeah.

Hello. Yeah, I need to make an order for

pickup. Yeah, I would like to have.

I need an order of the chicken tikka masala.

Yeah, please.

I need that spicy.

One chicken tikka masala?

Yeah, spicy. Yeah. And then

I need some papadums.

Yeah. And then

And garlic naan. I need one of the garlic naan.

How many pieces come with that?

Only one piece.

Is what? No.

Only one piece of naan.

One piece, okay.

And the garlic, right?

You want a garlic naan? Yeah.

Yeah, the garlic, yeah.

And then I need some of the, you got some cha-cha-chode?

Sorry?

You got cha-cha-chode over there?

You know where you bring your uncle in front of me and I fuck him?

Hello?

Yeah, how you doing? I was just trying to make an order there.

Hello?

Yeah, can you hear me?

Yes, I can.

Yeah, I want him to make an order.

Did he not get it?

Yeah, you fucking hurry it up.

Dick's Enormous Live.

They're sending me to the

Royal Service, making a report.

You ever heard of that ring before?

Never heard that ringtone.

Kind of like what the lunk alarm

is starting to sound like after a few minutes.

Until it dies.

Yeah, I'm

trying to make the order.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I

gotta do it again. Alright, chicken

Chicken tikka masala.

Asshole.

Spicy, spicy, spicy.

Yep.

Yeah, uh, fucking papadums.

Yep.

And garlic naan.

Yep.

And then some fucking cha-cha chode.

Don't call that again, okay?

You listen, motherfucker.

Keep quiet, okay?

Shut up.

You bring your sister and I will fuck her.

Shut up.

Don't you keep quiet.

Yeah, trying to make an order for the food.

Hello?

Yeah, I'd like to make a food order.

Yes, you can.

Can you tell me your name, please, and phone number?

Yes, I will definitely tell you my name.

That was a real fart.

I have to look up the phone number.

Hopefully my compatriots will provide the number for me while I give you my name.

Yeah.

Would you like my name?

Yeah.

Why?

Hello, you want an order?

Here's my name.

I'm David.

Okay.

So what do you want to have?

Yeah, we want one order of the chicken tikka.

Do you have chicken korma?

Chicken tikka or chicken korma?

No, chicken korma. Pardon me.

Chicken korma, yes.

Yeah, please excuse me. I get nervous when I'm on the phone with the dirt people.

That's fine. Don't worry.

Okay, I won't. You won't harm me in any way, will you?

Sorry?

You won't harm me in any way, will you, when I come to pick up the order?

Please, but I try to...

I'm just being sure. I've got issues. I'm sorry.

Okay, let's just continue.

Do you have the naan bread?

How many?

Yeah, naan bread. One naan?

Yeah, one naan.

Yeah, and then I'd like, do you have the paneer?

Yes, we have.

Oh, do you have the fresh pollock paneer?

Yeah.

Yeah, and do you make that paneer fresh in your establishment?

No.

Oh, you should.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to bring an aluminum bucket in,

and then we can have your sister come front,

and we'll milk her like a cow, and then we'll make the paneer.

Don't talk on the phone, brother.

Don't talk on the phone like that.

What do you mean?

Don't be stupid.

Don't be child.

I'm just making a suggestion for a recipe.

Fuck off.

What?

Okay.

Don't call on this number again.

Well, I just paid the order.

I'm hungry.

Damn.

I'll call him back again.

Don't you talk, brother.

Don't you talk.

Thanks for calling Tandoori Head Restaurant.

Leave a detailed message and phone number.

We have fun with that, huh, guys?

Yes, sir.

Captain, sir.

Yeah.

Hungry now.

Yeah.

I know you probably, you know, it's been beaten to death,

Seth, but if you ever get bored and want 24-hour fitnesses, I still have leftover numbers, a lot of them.

Yeah, why not?

Fuck, it's pretty fun.

Let me pull up that set of numbers.

I still can't believe with that memo people are still like, oh, okay.

Good evening, Masala.

Yes, hi.

Can I make an order?

Sure, sir.

What would you like?

One water, hot water.

Oh, hot water?

Uh-huh.

Add chicken, add ginger, add spicy, add salt, add oil.

Yes.

How much is that?

But we don't have, like, the dish on our menu, sir.

You don't have hot water with chicken pieces inside of it?

No, not really.

Like, you can just have a look on our website or menu.

Do you have soup then, stupid fucking...

Do you have stupid fucking soup then?

No, we don't do that.

You don't have soup?

You don't have any korma?

Korma?

Yep, korma we got.

That's a soup, you stupid shithead.

That's a fucking soup.

Mind your language.

Bye-bye.

No, fuck shit.

Mind your language, buh-bye.

Mind your language, boy.

Quiet with that clicking over there.

Sorry.

Shut up.

Good evening, Masala.

Hi.

I'm sorry of my language.

Hello.

I'm sorry of my language, okay?

Yep.

I'm sorry of my language.

Okay.

All right.

So do you have...

Are you having soup there?

I like bee.

We don't do soup.

Bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee.

Yeah?

What were you saying?

You were bee, bee, bee, bee?

What?

Bee, bee, bee.

Did you say you bee, bee?

Is this a prank call, is it?

No, it's order.

Serious food.

Serious order call, sir.

Serious.

This is a serious thing.

If it's a serious call, then please go.

Go kiss your mother.

Fuck that guy.

Penis head.

Penis brain.

But it's a prank call.

All right, fuck it.

I'm just fucking.

Something happened to me.

I had a heart.

Like a compression thing happened.

You all right?

Oh, don't worry.

Moonson Welling.

Who?

Moonson Poon?

Awesome.

You've got to love Lonesome Loser, right?

Monsoon Poon Wellington Restaurant.

Monsoon Poon.

I didn't have chest pains.

I just got a little weirded out.

It didn't have anything to do with the show.

It was just something that came to mind.

I

haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks.

Good evening, Monsoon Poon.

Sophie speaking.

Yeah, I want some of that poon.

Sorry?

I want some of that poon.

Okay, come on down.

Yeah, all right.

Can I make an order?

Sure, what would you like?

One sexual kissing.

kissing oh fuck i forgot i wasn't messing with whatever malaysia or whatever again and i heard

that's how that uh babies made sexual kissing yeah that's what i want to do and let me go up

to malaysia again one order with extra tongue hold the saliva oh man you know some girls just

use way too much saliva i wanted to slap this bitch once you fucking kiss me like that oh god

Oh, this is disgusting.

Anyway, hey, guys.

Do you guys want to talk to Malaysia?

This is the good taste backup to whatever something.

Whatever.

What?

Something like that.

It's a good taste.

Good old taste in there.

Neon, how you doing?

You're quiet over there.

What's going on?

You knitting?

Yeah, I need to talk to the good taste.

You knitting a bib?

I need a bib.

You're knitting a bib?

Are you nesting?

Yeah, the announcement will be soon.

Neon's been bringing little pieces of wood.

She doesn't know what.

Come on, man.

All right, we'll call the next one.

If you want, let's call the first guy that I called, because he was actually kind of cool.

He was the one that was trying hard not to laugh.

Was that the gay dude?

Well, there was another one that was a little femme, too.

A little more.

Yeah.

I don't think it was that easy.

Thank you for calling.

This is Hotel.

Morning.

How are you?

Fine.

Yeah, I'd like to make one order for takeaway.

Who are you calling?

Yeah, who are you?

This is Jirutu Hotel.

Oh, yeah, the hotel?

Is this the hotel machine?

Yeah, sorry?

You said hotel?

tell? Yeah, this is Jirutu Hotel.

Yeah, I'd like to make a booking,

please, immediately.

Very important. I'm an American

dammit, businessman,

got a busy schedule, don't have a lot of time to

waste here. So,

prompt, promptly.

When are you going to stay here?

Yeah, I will be arriving on,

let's see,

look at my calendar here,

April the 20th.

I'll be staying through April

31st. Okay, which

Which room do you want to book?

The best.

We require your finest room.

Spare no expense.

Huh?

We're very, very wealthy.

Very rich.

Very rich Americans, me and my crew.

So, just your best room.

Presidential suite.

We have super executive suite.

What's that?

The most expensive super executive suite.

Yeah, what's that?

Oh, whatever.

Just give me your best suite and hurry.

We require immediate phone booking.

That will be $100 per night.

Okay, whatever. Sure.

You want more? We'll pay more for it.

Give you extra money.

Are you serious?

We just carry this stuff around in big bags and shopping bags and luggages.

Yeah, I will give you a stack of money when we come in.

What's your name? I'll put a little ribbon around it with your name on it.

Hello?

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm very serious.

So we require the immediate booking.

king you know what you're you're too slow i'm starting to get irritated i've got my associates

on the line i've lost my patience yeah we're associates we're stupid yeah yeah listen dick

lips we need a room yeah we want a room for for making babies a baby room we make lots of babies

delicious yeah delicious babies and the king too oh that's right you guys don't get mad when we

We insult your king.

Do you have a king or a president here?

You know, the king of Thailand will be with us in our party.

Way to go.

That's funny.

You mentioned the king of Thailand.

He freaked out and hung up.

Oh, no, no.

Thais are calling.

Hurry.

I put the numbers for the planet in the regular chat here.

Is it by the time?

I get it.

It's all in code.

Who wants to start it out?

Who wants to be the first?

Yeah.

Anyone?

Dwight muted himself, so I guess not him.

How about Nian?

young start off a call for a change yeah come on not on your show you know hello what am i doing

do a show do show i mean do prank do a prank do a show yeah you're doing a show no do a prank

like what a planet fitness there you go yeah you're into the fire you're fucked

planet fitness this is yesenia how may i help you hi yesenia how are you good how are you i'm doing

well thanks um i was just wondering um what does your gym what kind of regulations do you have

at planet fitness for pregnant women okay um so we we don't have like regulations specifically

for pregnant women um it's pretty much like our rules here are pretty like simple like we since

we don't cater to bodybuilding or power lifting like no dead lifting or um just grunting or

dropping weights or anything like that in general um but when it comes to like specifically to

To pregnant women, we do not have, like, any, like, policies for, like, specifically to them.

Okay, so basically it would be my fault if I was out on the weight floor and someone dropped a barbell on my stomach.

Well, no, we don't allow dropping weights or anything like that.

But when it comes to, like, injuries, especially if, like, if you're pregnant, like, Planet Fitness is not reliable or anything like that.

well they're not reliable for a lot of stuff but i think they would mean that would mean

that they're not liable is that what you meant to say yeah like that we don't like we don't um

yeah exactly like for liability reasons and insurance policies and stuff like that like we

don't um we don't have specific um restrictions for pregnant women okay so if my my if my kid

flexes in utero are you guys gonna sound the lunk alarm if he flexes well if he starts grunting or

something like that probably if he starts intimidating any other members probably we will

wow you guys have heard that before yes we have you've heard a pregnant lady's baby grunt no we

haven't wow i'm gonna yeah that's crazy i i think you guys are lying about the lunk alarm we we

definitely aren't um i mean if there's if there's a member here that's grunting or dropping weights

or deadlifting or anything like that, we do pull the LUNC alarm.

What does the LUNC alarm sound like?

It's really loud.

You can always YouTube it and just YouTube LUNC alarm Planet Fitness

and you can hear it right there.

Oh, I don't have a computer.

So I'm just wondering before I go in and maybe have my in utero sun flux,

do you mind putting it on over the phone?

uh-huh um so no i can't actually um let you listen to the lunk alarm now oh why not because

there's members here and we can't disturb them so oh wow well what happens if i die of like

like a panic attack in the gym because i hear the lunk alarm and it's because you wouldn't help me

discover what it sounded like ahead of time um well like i said you can always um come in and

And we'll show you on the computer.

It is pretty loud.

So if a really loud noise like that does bother you, I don't recommend coming in just because we do have that option that we can pull it just in case someone else is being intimidating or maybe yourself.

Okay, so would you guys pull the lunk alarm if you guys saw George rubbing his cock?

If we saw who?

George.

Oh, yeah, definitely we would.

And we'd probably just go up to him and ask him to leave.

oh no you can't touch him while he's doing it because he'll just spurt all

over the place we won't touch him we'll ask him to leave professionally so if

you do you have any other questions regarding Planet Fitness not nothing

like that because we actually we're professionals here so anything like that

like we will either call the cops or we'll just ask him to leave okay did you

guys get the memo about the lunk alarms the memo so well we work here so I'm

pretty sure if there was any memo we would okay do you mind going and grabbing it no no um i'm

actually at the end of my shift right now so um oh so you're like fuck it man i don't care is that

what you're yeah pretty much oh wow okay cool i'm really glad that we got this on recording this is

lindsey thompson calling from the corporate office of planet fitness for customer relations

we're checking on this gym specifically for um our workers our employees attitudes towards

customers and potential sales over the phone. So I'm going to go ahead and need your ID number.

So I actually don't have an ID number or anything like that.

Oh, they haven't given you one yet. Okay, great. Well, I'll go ahead and assign you an ID number

during this case and claim that's open for your establishment.

No problem. I'm perfectly fine with not having one. I'll just go ahead and hang up right now

because I've been totally not a professional with you. So I'll go ahead and hang up.

Oh, that's fine. You're going to still probably lose your job. That's okay.

Okay. Don't bother reporting in tomorrow.

I will. Don't worry about that.

Okay, well, you'll be stopped in the parking lot.

You're not allowed on the premises.

Go ahead and leave now. Go ahead and leave now.

Your baby's going to be grunting and shit.

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard that one.

Crested lady.

Good call, Neon.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm looking for the next one.

These last digits match.

Does it spell out something?

B-R-B.

All right, burbs. See you.

Three, four, uh...

Okay, good.

All right, I got the next one here.

This one's on...

Do you have it set for the corporate number?

Uh, no, Dwight, you don't...

I don't think you understand.

I don't understand.

Can you hear...

Are you guys hearing everything okay, Baz, Dwight?

Because, um, this is a new laptop I'm using for you guys.

Yeah.

Good, good.

Yeah, it sounds pretty good right now.

First time using it, and right off the bat,

without even testing it that much, it seems...

I am on TinyChat.

TinyChat.com.

Slap.

Prank call nation for now.

You're calling Planet Fitness in Oro Valley.

This is Brandon. How may I help you?

Yes, hello. This is Eddie. I'm calling from the corporate office, sir.

Hi, how's it going?

Well, I'm all right. I'd really like to go home, to be honest with you.

I hate these night shifts.

But I pulled on call for the weekend, you know.

And it is cold in New Hampshire, let me tell you.

How's it down there? It's not pretty warm.

Yeah, it's pretty warm. It was a nice day.

Wish, I wish. What I would do.

Hey, listen, we have a problem with your LUNK alarm system.

It's not pinging back to our server here.

Is it wired up and working?

What is it?

The LUNK alarm, your LUNK alarm, L-U-N-K.

Oh, I'm not even sure where you find that.

Do you know the alarm on the wall that goes really loud?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if it's wired up, though.

Do you have a light switch for it or a button?

We have a button.

Hang on one second.

I've got to set up a tiny bed.

All right, honey.

bullshit not wired up he doesn't have to set up a tanning bed he's got some new fucking customer

i thought he was like he doesn't even know where the button is or something i gotta set up the

tanning bed hey honey okay boss uh we have a button all right um i'm gonna need you can you

go ahead and hit that for 30 seconds i'll let you know when to let it go we need to test that out

it's not pinging back here to the computer so it's holding for 30 seconds yeah could you yeah

Yeah, it works.

Yeah, but I need to see the computer connection to it, because it goes to our marketing department.

All right, so let's hold it for 30 seconds?

Yeah, I'll let you know when 30 seconds is up.

All right.

All right, thank you.

Do you have a lot of guests there?

There's like 10 people in here.

Are they all right?

Are we okay with them?

Oh, yeah, it's all right.

None of them's giving you a hard time, but looking at you, they're giving you a stink eye or anything, right?

No, it's not too bad.

We're at 10 seconds?

All right.

Halfway there, 15 seconds.

Do you ever turn this on on your own there?

What's that?

We rarely use it.

Yeah?

Do you ever have to?

All right, go ahead and turn it off.

Turn it off.

All right.

I'm going to see if that matches up here.

If not, I'm going to have to have to do it again.

But how often do you have to, do you think?

Maybe once a week you turn it on?

I just work the nights.

I'm not sure how much they use it during the day.

But you're yourself.

Like, how often do you think you've used it?

I rarely use it, never.

Really?

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, because we're thinking about getting rid of it altogether, to be honest with you, because there's a big lawsuit.

I guess a Muslim woman came into one of the locations, and she had her burqa on, her hijab, I guess they call it.

And the minute she entered in, they sounded the alarm on her, and when she asked about it, they said because of her quote-unquote towel head.

So, yeah, it's been pretty bad.

It's been all over Muslim Twitter this weekend.

Okay.

So, yeah.

All right, go ahead, and I'm going to need you to set that off again for another 15 seconds.

I'm sorry, I'll let you know when it's ready.

Okay, I've got a guest right here.

Can you hang on one second?

Yeah, sure, buddy, thanks.

You there?

Yep, I'm here.

I've got to hit it again?

Yeah, we're at 15 seconds, so I'll let you know once it's time.

Are you sure?

Because everybody's kind of looking around.

No, it'll be, yeah, I just need to get this done here, sir, and I can, you're my last

location of the night, so.

All right, 15 more seconds?

Yes, please, I'll let you know.

Thanks.

Okay.

All right, that's 15.

Go ahead.

That's good.

All right.

That's going to take about a minute to crunch here.

Do you have anyone waiting on you now?

No.

All right.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Did you have something?

You too.

Thanks.

Don't go anywhere.

Don't go anywhere yet.

I'll do it again.

All right.

Good.

All right.

So good.

So we have a few survey questions here for you while we crunch that data.

I have Lisa Thompson.

I believe she had some questions for you.

Ms. Thompson, is she on the conference here?

at all or no no leah lisa leah thompson mr mcclanahan here anyone yeah how you doing uh

i'm with the marketing department there i'm sorry i didn't catch your name uh brandon how you doing

brandon uh i need to do a quick survey with a uh one of the customers one of the members

and for taking their time out of their workout they're gonna get three months of free service

okay and if you just want to go ahead and put someone on and then i'll do a quick five minute

a survey with them and then i'll give them the three months free okay there's really nobody

around right now to do that they're all kind of working out well if you want to put me put me down

or put me on hold and uh just inquire with a few of them i'd greatly appreciate it hang on one

second no problem thank you neon you want to do the survey okay where'd neon go yeah she's back

she's back now oh she doesn't want to do it black card for life shit we got a black card white card

fucking battle in the irc shit neon green card that's what neon has yeah everybody's kind of

kind of doing their thing right now um maybe could you try back later or tomorrow when it's

kind of busy uh yeah i could try back later if you give me just a second uh i got a flag from uh

well i got a flag from mr cross back in the it department and he asked me to pass you back give

me a second i'm gonna beep him back in okay no problem hello hello yeah this is cross back here

in IT, and we just need another

10-second blast. I'll let you know once that's

done. We should wrap it up.

Ready? Yep, go ahead.

Almost there.

Hang on. Almost there.

We were only at 50%.

Now we've got to start from the beginning.

There's just too many people in here right now for that.

Maybe we should call back some other fucking time

then, right? God damn it.

All right, boss. I'll talk to you later.

Shit, damn it.

Did you hear the woman

in the background yell what is that what is that it's so loud crazy old lady i'm sure what it is

look at this all right yeah for that memo they were pointing it on the irc for that memo going

out we're doing exactly what they said we would do and they're still doing it yeah ted webb is

here a shit ton of people up in here this is nothing we get more this sometimes man how you

you doing ted webbo good good what's doing very good very good thank you hey ted hey baz

how's it going oh milkman dropped again he's been he's been gone for a while he's been dropped for

a while i dropped none and drop his ass that's not true i went to bed he sounded so upset earlier

yeah i don't know he got a little bummed out there he said i was bummed out like i'm not

i just don't like having to edit out him toking up during a good frank call

are you sick ted or your balls yeah i was like ted sounds older not wiser i still can't believe

that lady that called the uh it hotline last night we had her like all fucking like believing

everything that was going on talking about we have to replace the lunk alarm and then

i started talking about the lady at the front desk as i tell her she

sounded like she has a nice pussy what that was finally after all that shit she finally that was

That was great.

Because I was the manager in that, right?

Yeah, we kept going back and forth.

The manager.

Spicy Thai noodle.

Yeah, because she didn't believe me.

She wanted my supervisor.

This is in Saipan.

Spicy Thai noodle, please.

Hello?

I'd like to make an order.

Tanya, this is not spicy Thai.

Spicy Thai?

No, this is Obama place.

Oh, what do you have there?

No, this is my house.

Oh, do you have a woman for me to have sex with?

No, nothing.

I want to kiss a girl.

I want woman to kiss.

Kissing woman.

Oh, my God.

This is my house.

Your wrong number.

You want to kiss me?

You want me kissing me?

Obama private?

Yes.

This is...

You got the wrong number, sir.

Can I come to your private house and touch your private parts on your body?

And show you my genitals, my privates, my sexual organs?

What are you talking about, sir?

Your wrong number.

Do you know sexual organs?

I don't know, sir.

Do you know sexual parts?

Sexual parts?

Penis?

You know?

Do you know penis?

Do you want to call the police?

Well, no, they can't help me.

Why you...

So, this is a wrong number.

This is a private number.

I know, but you're...

This is the house.

Maybe you kiss me, you know?

Maybe I go to your private house and we kiss together.

We're kissing.

What are you talking about?

Who are you?

I want to kiss a man.

Huh?

My name is Akulo.

Akulo.

What's your number?

Your number?

Akulo.

I don't have number in this country.

I have cell phone.

It doesn't have a number.

Bindeja.

You got the wrong number, boss.

No, but come on.

I found you.

This is meant to be.

I'll kiss you on your body.

I'll kiss you all over, everywhere, kiss you.

Shut up.

Oh.

Shut up.

That was good.

Oh, man.

He didn't want you kissing him on his body.

He's missing a few teeth.

Ted, you want him if he picks back up?

Sure.

I haven't heard you in a while.

I wish I wasn't sick.

My voice would be better.

Oh, shut up.

He said this is an Obama house.

Yeah, he kept saying Obama. Maybe it means something in his language. I don't know.

Let me talk to the phone.

Pick up, pick up, pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Chupa la piña, la maricón.

Pick up.

Baz, you know anybody from Saipan?

He said BRB.

Oh, shit.

Well, there's no use asking Dwight because he's shut in.

This is Paseo. They speak Spanish in Saipan?

So, this place is called Paseo de Marianas.

Marianas.

All right, let me look up Saipan.

Good afternoon, Tabigarapan.

Yes, hi, I'd like to make an order.

Sure, okay.

Okay.

So, what is your order, sir?

Okay, one chicken.

Is this the oven-roasted chicken, chicken and bacon, skin teriyaki, or buffalo chicken?

Buffalo chicken.

Okay, is that a foot long, sir?

Yeah.

Buffalo chicken.

Yeah, I want a foot long.

I'm going to put it right up my asshole.

Okay, sir, what is your bread?

Uh, I don't know.

I like yellow.

I have a little bit of yellow fever right now.

Oh, so I'll go with Italian.

Okay, all right.

Hey.

Hey, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen.

And what is your cheese?

There's Italian blood.

American or Povolone?

There's several people with Italian blood on this phone call, okay?

Okay.

So watch it.

You watch it.

You motherfucker what you are.

Yeah.

You want trouble?

You want problem?

And your cheese?

My cheese?

American, of course.

Yep.

American.

Okay.

Hey, listen, you're in Saipan, right?

Are you like U.S. territory, a commonwealth or something?

I'm sorry, this is a U.S. protectorate.

Oh, it is?

Oh, hey, what's up, man?

How you doing, brother?

What's up?

Do you accept Canadian money there?

I guess it's the same dollars with U.S., I guess.

Do you have electricity there?

Yeah.

Do you have water?

That was a trick question.

Yeah, I think we have water also.

Do you have clean water?

Probably in a bottle.

Do you shit in the toilet or where do you shit outside?

In the toilet, probably.

Do you sit down or stand up?

Are you ordering or are you questioning?

Well, because we didn't know.

We thought Saipan was a Muslim country near New Zealand.

Oh, actually it isn't.

It's like, I don't know, it's divided or something.

Is it in Vietnam?

That's psyched, man.

Can I ask a question from the nice lady?

Hello?

Okay, so can I finalize your order?

Yes.

Is it a dirty country?

Dirty people?

Is

it dirty peoples?

Have you ever met Jane Fonda?

Nope.

Have you ever seen the musical Miss Saipan?

I'm here to take your order, sir, but if you're not going to make it seriously, I'm going

to have to hang up your number.

No, we're serious.

So if we order something from you, are you going to put rocks in it like you guys did

with McCain's food?

McCain had rocks in his food?

Mm-hmm.

This is new.

You know it recently?

Broke his teeth.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the Vietnamese.

You're right, you're right.

Yep.

Asshole.

You're going to let us tap on the wall?

Do you have a secret code about who can leave in what order?

Do you have pretty people there?

What's up, Wade?

How can I help you?

Hi, do you have the full metal jacket?

Hello?

Yep.

Your ass looks like 200 pounds of chewed bubble gum.

Hang on.

Oh, Christ.

Wow, that's funny.

Who knew, right?

That's an American protectorate.

It's like Puerto Rico.

I was just like, hey, it was on there.

That accepts Canadian dollars.

Apparently they do.

And yeah, they had a Spanish colonial period.

I think they, what's their name?

Espagna.

Yeah, just like the Philippines did.

Yep, yep.

We got all open.

But someone was telling me, this Filipino cat at the cigar shop once,

he was telling me that in the Philippines,

they pretty much got conquered by everybody.

So that they're...

Pretty much, yeah.

They have a lot of people.

They have a lot of different...

Chinese, Japanese.

dirty knees look at these

my wife's great aunt

was shot by a Japanese

sniper when she was a kid

her great aunt

she should have sucked some dick better

was it like the movie American Sniper

no she was on her way to the store

mom sent her to the store to get some bread

and sniper was in a tree

no she survived

she's still alive today

amen to that

I bet you that Jap ain't alive right now

I'm sorry

No, you know what they did

when they drove them out of Saipan

was they got them

cornered and they jumped off the cliff,

committed suicide. They called it Banzai Cliff.

Is that where that story came from?

Okay. I just remember my

fourth grade teacher telling me that

telling us that story and the one about

that they used to all have a grenade on them

that they only use if they're about

to be killed or have to surrender.

They would use a grenade on themselves.

Oh, that's why we had to nuke them.

yeah that's what they told us i remember the matter of fact and he said he said yeah had we

you know he had the whole line about you know if it wasn't for the you know the nuclear bomb

being dropped we would have had to lose a lot of americans and baby and this and that yeah this

all sounds very dramatic with that music you're playing in the back yeah it sounds like uh who's

space sounds like eve online yeah who's this is an eve online uh soundtrack who is this who is the

the uh who's the cat that does the space talk all the time he's gone and he had the serious show and

he quit again oh art bell art bell he's coming back again he's coming back online only right

i thought he'd come back yeah came back but then went away again he come back and went away now he

come back again ted now he come back again all right let's move on let's move on um i gotta go

The Night's a Lonesome.

Yeah, Art Bell used to have that one guy, JC, that used to call in,

and he was like this crazy, fanatical Bible thumper.

But everybody thought that it was really, and probably was, Phil Henry.

Okay.

Oh, my God, show Henry.

Well, Phil Henry used to troll him on his show all the time, like on his own.

He used to do whole segments impersonating Art Bell.

Yeah, well, the third rumor is he was trolling Art Bell's show on a regular basis.

I have some breaking news

to enter in

I was just going to let everybody know that the

Glory Hole Foundation

the video has now been viewed for 15 days

10 hours, 54 minutes, and 14 seconds

wow

can you see how long they're staying there?

that's a lot of fucking

are there a lot of people that stay like a long time?

or are they all short visits?

I don't know, this is total

right now has been 23,590

pop-ups

I bet it was an old lady that died at the computer

theater oh man well it's right now since 4chan got a hold of it it's at a faster rate than

ever before oh yeah or maybe it was an old man he was like he just came to terms with being gay and

then he died so he's been dead for like 15 days nice yeah 4chan wouldn't run with a shock site

like that very good very good on them taking advantage of that hey robert all card is in

england he is a uk wanker anyone interested anybody anyone all right great you get i don't

deal with wankers they're dirty people they don't brush their teeth they do but i'll do it it's cool

yes go ahead what's his name robert a card all card you tell me on hello um good morning may

speak with robert please who is that oh this is corinne from where oh he knows me um over from

the sweet shop over from the sweet shop do you know what time it is i'm sorry dear he told me

me to call for fanny nobbing he did yes i'm pretty sure he did pardon yes i'm sure he did

where did you say you were from i'm from the sweet shop and i met him in the pub

i saw him dear he had a knob in his mouth he was gobbing it oops i heard him pick up too that's

funny all right maybe he'll pick up this time fanny nobbing i like that one so hot

fanny that's a funny name all right next robert bates robert bates lives on 21 jump street

there's some good names here that's how lonesome does it man can you speak up hello can you turn

the phone around the other way of course uh ted i have a question for you um the smiling buddha

the buddha that sits down and has the big smile um right usually with maybe with big ears that's

That's not the Buddha Buddha.

That's a different Buddha guy.

Ted here asked a question.

Ted is the Buddha.

I hear that the fat smiling Buddha is not like the revered Buddha.

He's just like some guy who drank a lot and was really happy.

I went to this giant Buddha in Japan.

It was really cool.

It was a huge bronze statue.

It was so big you could go inside of it.

It was hollow.

And go up these stairs up to the head and look out through the eyes.

That's hot, Beth

No, it was pretty cool

I can't remember when

but at least 500 years ago

Speaking of smoking pot in Japan

I hear that's a very bad idea

to even try getting pot in Japan

Yeah, I would not

Because the laws

marijuana laws in Japan are crazy

Oh, really?

Prison in Japan is crazy

You're guilty until proven innocent

in Japan by default

and they're very racist against foreigners

corners in the system like they will fuck you up yeah wow i mean most of the japanese people are

pretty you know mellow and tame but the ones that are bad are are really bad yeah you went to war

with them for a reason so yeah i mean you're talking about like the yakuza guys and then

there's like these motorcycle gangs like kill bill called the boso boso akira yeah kill bill

all that stuff yeah uh-huh yeah um yeah so yeah don't do that guys don't go to japan just to have

fun drink you know a lot of stuff yeah maybe drop some acid or something i don't know something else

but um go to amsterdam yeah japan on acid like tokyo would be fucking nuts i don't think i

could survive yeah i think i'd be like oh then again the neon lights are actually in japan so

it's probably better to go to japan now you gotta go down to the district the electronics district

district yeah akihabara i want to go to that big ass i love the snack bar five the five story

snack uh five four snack bar yeah that's where i want to go no we went to this one there's

electronic shop it was like six six stories shit really that's cool yeah it was pretty amazing i

bought a camera there then i was pissed because i got back home and i found out that the one i got

you could get here for the same price i thought i was getting something new and you know cutting

See, I want to stay in one of those mini

pod hotels for a night.

What else

do I want to do? I want to go to those

sushi places where the

food comes to you on a little

platter, and then you hit the button, and it's

like a game, and you can get a prize

for eating your food. Yeah, we did that.

Yeah, I want to do all that. And the pachinko,

I want to do that shit. I want to do so much.

Yeah, that's fun. I have so much fun in Japan,

but I'm way too big. I wouldn't fit in that country

anywhere. I wouldn't be able to fit. I wouldn't fit

fit in the bed i want to fit in the shower i want to do the naked sushi well you can do that yeah i

guess i guess i was staying with my brother-in-law so we had room all right all right yeah i want to

do like ramen and all those ramen places down there oh you know what just one more thing on

japan before you leave the topic if you want the best ramen believe it or not denny's restaurants

restaurants in japan are awesome you know the american chain but they've got a complete

japanese menu and the food is excellent i heard i've seen this stuff in 7-elevens there's just

off the wall like flavors of oreos and shit that you would never believe yeah the fish ice creams

and shit like yeah i just want to try this shit man yeah all right george says his cock is too

too big for japan yeah they kick his ass out like no no you you break you ruin our lady you break

all over i have a feeling george would be walking around with a boner 24 7 just out like a big pitch

tent just going man oh that's funny george in tokyo party boy with a boner rape bus what

what george gets in georgia get on one of those rape buses japanese rapists they got those man

those guys are repressed they got the love hotels too hello hello hey how are you okay oh good hey

um we want to know can we make uh can we play love hotel inside your house hey move your cell phone

you there yeah yeah can we play love hotel inside your house there's uh five of us there's five of

of us yeah yeah we're gutter punks and we want to maybe crash in your place and have make love

inside your house yeah it feels good you can join no this is robert birch

robert bitch and now the bunch and now the lock i'm not even doing that right and now

that's what i gotta download muncie python's flying circus all episodes i'm gonna write that

down yeah i know the pirate bay is packed yeah thank god thank the pirate god um you back yet

ted webb ted need for he usually actually just um mutes this goes away he has red wine with his

wife robert blackie in the uk anybody anybody that's racist i know well there you go i'll take

Take it.

Blackie, Robert, Blackie, Blackie, Blackie.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Is this the Blackie residence?

Yes.

Yeah, may I speak with Robert, please?

Big Bob.

For this time of the morning.

Yeah, I was told to call for Big Bob.

No, no, are you Mrs. Blackie?

Yes.

Yeah, my name is Bill Redman.

I'm oppressed, too, just like you.

I know how you feel.

Because you're one of them Blackies.

Oh, damn it.

She gone, she gone.

We lost Dwight. Is he okay? Is he beefing?

I don't think so.

Don't be mad, Dwight. Don't be mad.

A lot of apologies tomorrow, McBeef.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Are you there?

Miss Blackie? Blackie?

Okay, whatever.

I'm only going to do a few more of these.

We've got Bob Bocking.

A few more calls, as it were,

because I'm done. I'm tired.

Bob Bocking. Aw.

Too bad. Too bad. You should do an after show.

Nah. Just show everybody your tits.

Excuse me?

Hello?

What the fuck was that?

Did we call that number before?

No, that was the first time.

Oh, shit.

Damn.

These are lonesome numbers.

He confirms them.

Yeah, he always confirms them first.

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Is that Bob Bocking?

It is.

How are you?

How are your bollocks tonight?

I can call and speak about your testicles and your bollocks and your penis in the bed.

Who the fuck are you?

My name is Robert Blackie.

I'm calling for your penis.

Can I speak to him?

Look, it's 5.35 in the morning.

All right, don't be an asshole.

Listen, just answer the...

You're the asshole.

No.

Fuck off.

No, no, no, no.

Don't do this.

Come on.

You should call Bob Vance.

Can I call?

I'll try to smooth things out.

Fuck off.

Hey, wait, wait.

This is Staswell.

I'm sorry.

I'd like to apologize.

He wasn't having any of that.

There he is again.

Hello?

Alright, fine.

That was good.

That was fun.

Fucker.

Talk about expelling every cubic centimeter of air in your life.

In one word.

Shit.

David Ball and...

Okay, David Ball.

Anybody, David Ball.

I'm going to talk to him before.

I did a whole show.

Ball's show.

Hello?

Mr. Ball?

Speaking.

Yeah, this is Snozzwell here.

How are you?

Who are you?

Yeah, I'm calling from the Royal Ministry of Health, the Division of Testicular Cancer.

And, sir, I'd highly advise you right now to check your testicles for any lumps, bumps, or any other abnormalities.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, it's high time to check them out.

Do you know what time it is in the morning?

That is correct, sir.

sir. It's five o'clock in the morning.

No, it's not, sir. It's

538. Is it? What are you doing

crawling now? Well, because this

is of the utmost importance.

The queen is very concerned about

her, you know, her

elderly subjects

and their testicles.

She's a callback.

Come on, ball. So the queen cares

about your nuts. Hello?

The queen cares about your nuts, sir.

You go to hell.

Sir. Come with us.

Come on.

David Barber.

You see, these guys are really lit, man.

I love it.

Oh, he does it.

I'm lonesome.

He does it, man.

I know.

How come they're ringing regularly instead of the UK ring?

It does it for me sometimes.

Hello?

Hi, how are you?

Can I speak with David Barber, please?

He told me to call.

My name is Stephen.

Stephen Bottomley.

About what?

It's about sexual kissing.

He wanted me to call about the sexual kissing.

Whatever.

God, she hit her mouth so close to that receiver, dude.

God, way to ruin it, though.

Oh, funny.

David Bottomley.

Steven Bottomley.

Hey, madam.

Madam.

All right.

Here is Steven Bottomley in England.

Let's see what he's up to.

Bottomley.

That's where I got the name from.

Tell me how we're tops.

Oh, yeah.

Topley.

Mrs. Tops.

Good morning, is this the Bottomley residence?

Yes, and it's five o'clock in the morning and we've got to get up for work. What's the problem?

Oh, yes, dear. My name is Tina Topps and my husband Richard Topps is here.

Yes, hello, this is Richard. I'm an American expatriate.

What's going on? Why are you in here at this time of the morning?

My wife will fill you in. She knows.

Yes. Yes, Mrs. Bottomley, we would like to levitate your status in the name world and invite you to a fanny festival.

Fanny festival. That sounds like fun.

Here, we'll call her back.

Bottomley.

You do the English accent so well.

Thank you.

Very proper, too. Good diction.

Hey.

Mrs. Bottomley, excuse yourself.

Wow.

What do I keep calling by?

The rule is three.

Yes, we're entitled to three.

The rule is three. We're entitled to three calls.

Ms. Bottomley.

It's our constitutional right.

Ms. Bottomley, would you like to rise to the top?

The top of the pops.

Fanny Bottomley?

Would you like your fanny shoes shined?

I was like, is there anybody there?

She hung on for a little bit. I heard a little bit.

Oh, yeah. That was fun.

Turkey, anybody?

Anyone want to call a hotel in Turkey?

Sure, of course.

God.

George says call Americans.

We're going to a whole different place.

George is racist.

Of course he is.

Republican.

Lifelong Republican.

Hotel?

Yeah, hi.

Is this the Turkey hotel?

The hotel?

Yes.

Do you have water?

What?

Do you have water?

Water?

No.

I need water to wash.

I need to wash myself.

I don't know.

Do you speak English?

No.

Who speaks English there?

No, no.

Come on, Sharmuta.

Haiwan.

Haiwan, Sharmuta.

Haiwan.

You, Haiwan.

Whatever, we'll call a different one.

Maybe they speak English.

We need American speakers.

Shit, damn it.

It's all right.

This is an American-based show, guys.

Ask for Chuck Norris or something.

They have to play by the rules.

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, hi, I'm on American.

You're on my Radio American radio show.

So we're going to speak American.

is this the hotel

hello

oh man

he's like

you know I'm not

fuck you

American show

no

he's like

fuck you

see you guys

bye Baz

bye Neon

bye

thank you Carlito

that was fun

bye guys

bye

bye to Dwight

bye to Milkman

they were all

a part of tonight's show

Ted Webb also

I already said Ted Webb

good having Ted Webb on

that's Sharmuta

um

I guess I'll be

back on next week

yay

see you then

bye

Calls (46, 2 h 19 min of 3 h 25 min)

Transcript

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