Fucking Globetrotters

Son of a bitch, goddammit, shit, fucking shit, goddammit, shit, fucking ass, oh, vagina, anus, feces, fucking globetrotters.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us skip recordings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

It's not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

I'm on, I'm on. I'm on, I'm on, I'm on.

I'm supposed to be on now.

Hi, guys. Hi, guys and girls.

Hi, everybody. It's Carlito.

I want to be an auto detailer, but first I have to make a complaint.

Thank you for calling Hershey Entertainment and Resort.

Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold for the next available agent.

All agents are still busy.

Please stay on the line and someone will assist you.

Season 10 is the perfect way to enjoy Hershey Fudge in all seasons.

In addition to unlimited lines, entertainment all summer long.

Good afternoon, Giant Center box office.

This is Pinky.

How may I help you?

Pinky, I have a lot of complaints, and I'm going to be upset.

I'm probably going to curse.

Do I need to get a supervisor, sir?

Is it going to be a man or a woman because I might use the C word?

It's cunt.

cunt the c word all right do you know what that means it's not in my vocabulary so hold on just

a moment and sir is it in reference to something that you're coming to here at the giant center

i went to the giant center and i saw these harlem globetrotters they came from the ghetto in harlem

and i paid good money to see these boys do a basketball game i guess some team from washington

and they cheated the entire game.

I counted here 23 travels, 16 gold 10s.

Hello?

Sir?

Yes?

Give me just a moment.

The zoo is located next to Hershey Park.

The zoo is home to over 200 animals,

representing the five regions of North America.

For a behind-the-scenes experience,

check out our early bird or after-hours tour,

where you'll get an up-close look at our animals.

Stop by or visit zooamerica.com for more information.

Sir?

Uh-huh?

I'm going to transfer you to Richard, and he's going to take your call.

All right, damn it.

One moment, please.

Okay.

Signs of spring at Hershey Gardens.

Enjoy 23...

Good afternoon, this is Richard.

I went to the Harlem Globetrotters game, the one that you had on Sunday.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yes, I do.

Were you there?

No, I was not there.

23 travels, I counted.

16 gold 10s.

There were 32 fouls that weren't even called charging.

That's not to mention the fact that the leader of this other team from New York,

the Harlem Globetrotters, that guy spent so much time in the paint

and was never called for three seconds in the paint.

They cheated at the very end to win the game in overtime.

They used a ladder at one point during the game.

then my son said he liked the theme song that the this easy guy big easy was his name the the head

player and his theme song and i he wanted to hear the theme song and i went to download it for him

to buy it on itunes and i researched it you know that song is by a uh by a group called niggers

with attitude nwa easy e and the entire song talks about doing drugs violence shooting police

police officers, and having sex with multiple women?

Did you know what?

Have you ever been to Globetrotters before?

I've never been to a basketball game.

I'm not an urban person, but my kid seems to love this crap.

He got into it.

Well, you know, it's more like a show and not a real basketball game.

You know, it's more like an entertainment.

It's more an entertainment.

All the information I got said basketball game,

And I actually gambled and put money on this with the security guard that was there who said that he wanted to place a wager on the game.

So are you telling me he knew that the game was fixed then?

No, I'm just saying it's more of an entertainment than a basketball game.

You know, it's more they're known to do like basketball tricks and all kinds.

That's why the ladder was brought out.

What does it have to do with it?

It's not a real thing.

It's more of an entertainment type of show.

I'm talking.

Why do you keep talking over me when I'm talking?

Do you have a problem hearing me?

No, sir.

I'll listen.

You talk and I'll listen.

What does that have to do with making jokes about men kissing men?

And at one point, this big black guy got his pants pulled down from behind.

And he had Elmo underwear on.

Elmo being the voice of Elmo was the child predator.

I saw a lot of satanic imagery during this show also.

Satanic imagery being used.

They had a woman out there playing basketball.

They had no explanation as to how she's in the locker room taking her clothes off and everything in front of these men.

What is this?

The one white person on the Harlem Globetrotters team, who I don't even think is from Harlem himself, they called him Iceman.

Like some kind of joke that he should be embarrassed of his white race.

This is disgusting.

Disgusting. And you're disgusting, sir. Your company's disgusting.

Are you finished, sir?

Yeah, I'm going to speak to all the lawmakers that I know, and I have contacts in this town.

I'm going to speak to all the lawmakers to make sure that you people never bring this disgusting show back into our area again.

Well, I think you should do that, sir.

And you should make...

I think you should do that, sir.

And I'm holding you accountable for the money I lost in this bet that I had.

I lost $100.

I had to pay up $100, and then the game was fixed.

And what am I going to tell the security guard about not paying him his money back?

He came right to me before the game was over.

He was standing right next to me, and he had a gun on and everything.

What am I going to do?

I don't know, sir.

I'm at a loss.

Well, I am, too.

I know for sure I'm never going to any events at this location ever again.

You can count me and everyone I know out.

Son of a bitch.

God damn it.

Shit.

Fucking shit.

God damn it.

Shit.

Fucking asshole.

Oh, vagina, anus.

I appreciate your phone call.

Goodbye.

Feces.

Fucking globetrotters.

Cheating-ass globetrotters.

Shout-out to Krusty the Clown for betting on the globetrotters.

Betting against the globetrotters.

He's using the ladder by a group called Niggers with Attitude.

Oh, that was true, though.

I didn't make anything up.

The ladder part did not happen.

There was no ladder used, but I got that from an episode of The Simpsons.

How about the globetrotters using a ladder during a game?

That's where that reference came from.

Everything else is pretty much accurate.

And the gambling part I did not do, obviously.

All right.

Like I said earlier, I wanted to be an auto detailer.

Yeah, hey, boy, how you doing?

I see you got these jobs over there, auto detailers.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would like to do that.

I like to detail cars.

I like to get in there and touch all the surfaces and clean them up and vacuum in there and get the smell of the seats, smell all the seats.

seats especially the driver's seat because it's the most used yeah yeah can i smell and sniff all

the seats i want all right what do i got to do to come down and get a job there well you gotta come

down and fill out an application all right all right are you going to interview me is it going

to be a man or a woman because if it's a woman i can put a good dicking on her you know i want a

job i need to work i figure auto detailing is pretty good i detail my auto all the time yeah

yeah and i love smells of seats oh i love it now i gotta let you know now do you have a

issue if i have a record i mean i can explain what happened yeah i'm sure i used to go downtown and

break in into the cars in the garages and just smell i wouldn't steal anything i would just

smell the smell the car seats uh of the ones that were obviously women's cars based on the

stuff they had inside and i don't care if it was a guy too and then you know i'd masturbate i'd

I jerk off inside the car and ejaculate on the sheet, on the windshield and all that.

Well, you know what?

You don't even have to fill out an application.

You're fucking hired.

Fuck, yeah.

Hell, yeah.

But I won't jerk off like they told me that's bad, you know.

And I'm supposed to, I sit down and I go, no, no, no.

Three affirmations of no.

No, no, no.

That's what they taught me.

Yeah.

I was at the Harlem, did you go to the Harlem Globetrotters game on Sunday?

No, I missed it.

Did you hear about it?

No.

You know them boys came down from that Harlem, New York, I guess it is.

They say it's the capital of the ghettos or something.

And they were cheating.

They cheated left and right.

They had a ladder on the court at one point.

Yeah, that is cheating.

Yeah.

Yeah, my pencil's out of ink.

Listen, so should I just, like, where can I go to fill out an application?

You know where the whole Honda is?

Oh, yeah.

I used to break into those cars all the time.

i used to break into those cars i used to break into those cars all the time but i stopped because

then i figured they're new they don't really smell like anything i break it into the oldest

i can find i find i used to find the oldest car on every floor of the garage that i could find

and that's when i break into it smell and jerk off and everything yeah all right okay all right

well i'll uh i'll come by you're that auto detailing place over there right yeah yeah

All right.

Hey, you know those guys at Triangle?

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck those guys, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck them.

Fuck them.

They suck, you know?

All right, honey.

All right, I'll see you over there, sweetie.

All right, I'll bring my information and all that.

Yeah, bring your cup.

Okay, I'll bring my cup, too.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

He's having too much fun.

I was going to think it's the guys at Triangle Car Wash.

Prank him.

He got all serious.

Fuck you, Triangle.

Deposit operations representative at a bank,

and all you need is a high school diploma or equivalent along with moderate computer skilled

machines probably getting a lot of people replying to this one a lot of sucky ass people oh it's facts

only fuck never mind caregivers i think i think this place is advertised every time i do one of

these shows in this in this paper out of this paper but i don't know i like i i did i looked

ahead and i did see the like all the construction ones that they never answer for some reason on

the phone you know what let me okay so here deposit operations thank you for choosing

home and said senior care this is debbie how can i help you hey how you doing big girl hi this is

debbie can i help you hey big debbie i'm calling about the deposit operations representative

atlantic community bankers bank is seeking a motivated self-starter who can work independently

and work with others in our deposit operations department duties include reconciling accounts

Accounts, data entry, filing, and assisting customers on the phone.

What was I just finished?

Come on, Big Deb.

She's like, no, you failed the first test.

Thank you for choosing Homestead Senior Care.

This is Debbie.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi, Debbie.

Could you please take me off the speakerphone?

That's very rude.

Hello?

Shit.

Trying to be slick with the speakerphone.

Homestead Senior Care.

Julia speaking.

Hi, Julia.

How are you?

Good.

How can I help you?

Well, I was talking to Debbie over there.

and I guess she's upset at me.

Okay, I'm sorry, who is this?

My name is Eddie.

I'm calling regarding the deposit operations representatives position.

I'm not sure if Debbie actually handles that.

Debbie does not handle the deposit operations.

She picked up the phone and she was really rude.

She hung up the phone twice on me.

Well, I apologize.

Is there, what can I do for you?

Is she next to you right now?

She's in her office.

Can you ask her to apologize to me?

Okay, I'm sorry, sir, of course, yes, I'll apologize for Debbie.

No, no, I want her to apologize for herself.

Is there somebody else you can speak to?

Well, you tell me who is in charge of this job, this job position opening.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

The caregiving position?

The deposit operations representative, Jesus.

Oh, okay, sir, hold on one moment.

God damn it.

Oh, wait, I am doing the caregiving.

That's my bad.

I'm being hung up on by Lowe's

Been a long time since we called Lowe's on this show

She called, been a long time since we called Lowe's

Alright, hang on, let me call her back and say I'm sorry, it's the caregiver.

Using Hummingstead, this is Brooke.

Hey Brooke, I'm calling about the caregiver position.

Okay, what's your name? I can get you down with Phyllis in our HR department.

With syphilis? I don't have that.

No, I'll get you with Phyllis.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, all right.

No, I'm sorry.

I thought you meant something else.

I think you're eating.

Are you eating?

No.

Oh, all right.

All right, you sound really cute.

My name is Eddie.

Oh, okay.

Well, let me get you down with her.

Hold on just a moment.

You sound really hot.

All right, thanks.

Hold on.

All right, I'll have to see you.

We're going to talk to Bob Vance's wife.

This song is copyrighted.

I get flanked on YouTube if it plays.

oh shit there's just no end to it man copyright shit the tying of hands when it comes to performers

i guess like i think technically all the copyrighted music i play in the show

if it ever took off it'd be pretty fucked i'll have a radio station with a license

for holding this is debbie how can i help you yeah i need to talk to syphilis uh to phyllis

Okay, Phyllis is not available.

She's on the phone right now.

Is there something I can help you with, please?

Yes, I'm calling about the caregiver's job.

Okay, and do you have questions concerning the caregiving position?

Yes, I do.

What kind of level of caregiving is it?

We do non-medical home care in the home of seniors in Cumberland and Perry County.

So it's in the home?

Yes.

All right.

I don't have to, do I get a laptop to use at all for data entry?

No, this is a caregiving position.

So you go into homes for seniors and care for seniors.

Okay.

Oh, that sounds good.

I like that.

All right.

And have you had a lot of people apply for the job?

Hello?

Yes, we have.

We currently are accepting applications.

If you're able, you can go on our website and fill out an application.

Then why put a phone number in here?

Like, can I just come down?

Yeah, but it is best to go on to our application,

on filling out our application online.

Because I would like to.

Would you like me to give you the website, too?

Can I give it, like, a tour of the facility?

There is no facility, sir.

Oh, that's right.

right because this is going to the home so gonna get a tour of one of the homes to see if i like

it no no that wouldn't be acceptable that doesn't make any sense though like it'd be nice to get a

tour you know meet a client and talk to them about their bowels their bowel movements hello

hello yeah um so you you like to do this a lot masturbating on the phone in your office

on the phone having phone sex that's what you get for putting me on speakerphone

stupid bitch mess with the snake you're gonna get bit she's like oh let me put him on speaker

so everyone can hear how ridiculous he's being now they're looking at like yeah yeah you were

doing that oh boy so that worked out after i finally figured out what job it was i was applying

for all right so that's done next we have another phone number one here from uh bass pro shops is

hiring full-time archery part-time hunting camping apparel marine associates full-time archery hey

man i'm jen stewart let's do it dude i wish we had jen on today's show jen if you're out there

call in so we totally have to call it as jen stewart the archer calling bass pro shops how

can i direct your call hey i'm calling about the archery position that you have just a moment

Full-time archery?

Hello?

You can...

Application online?

Who do I talk to?

Or you can do one of two things.

You have to start with an application.

You can do it online or you come into the store and pick one up.

I was an archer in the King's Army for 10 years.

Hello?

Thank you for calling.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I was calling about these position machines that you have available right now.

and to get some more information regarding the job position machines.

First on my list is the full-time camping.

What does that entail?

I'm sorry, I can't give you that information.

I command you to give me that information.

Stay on the line, and we'll be with you in just a moment.

Disney.

Thanks for calling Bass Pro Shop.

Bass Pro Shop.

Over a decade, Bass Pro Shop has been...

Yeah, hi, how are you?

Good, how are you?

I'm calling about the jobs positions that you have here available.

First on my list is FT Camping.

What can you tell me about that?

Um, are you looking for a full-time position?

Yes, I used to be an archer, actually.

I like to do archery.

I would like to shoot things with the archery machine.

Okay, hold on.

Can you hold on one second, please?

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Fuck.

Fuck him.

Well, no.

No fuck him.

Hang on.

Thank you for calling back.

Yes, I'd like to be transferred to the Human Resources Department.

Hip, hip, hip.

Just a moment, please.

Thank you.

Hurry up.

Thanks for calling Bass Pro Shops.

Bass Pro Shops Big Cedar Lodge is the perfect place to have some backwood trails.

Cast for bass and tranquil lakes.

Enjoy.

Thank you for calling Bass Pro.

May I help you?

Yes, I was calling interested with the full-time camping and apparel positions that you have there.

Are you sure you're looking at this store or are you looking at the Atlantic City store?

No, this one here.

It says full-time camping, full-time apparel, part-time marine associates, full-time archery.

Are you going to be moving to this area?

Because it looks like you have an area code from New Jersey.

This is my cell phone.

Okay.

Have you applied with us?

I've already moved to this area.

Have you applied with us?

Well, no.

I was calling to get more information on the position.

Okay.

Well, what we'd like you to do is actually fill out an application,

and we will keep them on file for a year.

And based on what you're looking for and what we're looking for,

we'll give you a call back in for an interview.

You don't put an ad in the paper if you're going to keep shit on file for a year.

Right now, you're looking to fill some positions, right?

I am, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you might be called in right at this moment.

There might be somebody that has more experience than you.

I don't like your attitude.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Yeah, hold on one second.

Thanks for calling.

Sorry.

Jim O'Brien.

Sorry.

I hate that one.

I'm used to hearing that one now.

I've heard it a few times, that machine.

Sorry.

All right.

What's with them giving a shit what my ID is?

All right, we got a different caregiver's position open.

Yeah.

Senior care, this is Mike.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling about the caregiver's position you have here.

Okay.

Hold on a second.

Okay.

This is Donna speaking. Can I help you?

Yes, hi. I'm calling about the caregiver position you have.

Yes. What can I tell you about it?

Is this at homes or in the facility?

This is at home.

What level of experience are you looking for?

We don't, you don't necessarily have to have experience for the position.

You do have to have a valid driver's license.

Okay, so just a valid driver's license.

This is, do you compensate for mileage?

Only if you do errands for the client.

Okay, all right.

Like, what kind of errands do they usually ask the clients to do?

You don't ask the clients to do an errand.

You would do errands for them.

Well, that's what I meant.

Hey, listen, don't get mouthy or snippy with me.

That's what I meant to say.

I just stumbled a little bit.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

What kind of errands?

Oh, shit, I've talked to them before, too.

Nice, nice.

Where's my music?

I love her pause.

I love the pauses.

The best is when they pause,

like when you know they're listening,

but they don't want to acknowledge it.

They're just kind of like,

what do I do?

Yes, I recall that place.

The line about errands.

Number four.

Because I think I talked about

bringing pornography for this shit.

All right, Carpenters, here we go.

The job positions that never seem to answer the phone.

Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Remodelers.

We're unable to take your call right now.

See what I mean?

Shit, motherfucker.

I'll try again, but there'll be no answer.

All right, here's a different carpenter.

I missed a dial there.

Thank you for calling the Shane Blue Baker Home Renovations.

Sorry we missed your call.

Oh, God.

I'm just never going to call Carpenter Rugs again.

Here's a different Carpenter.

Carpenter, Painter, Cleaner, and Labor.

Labor.

I'm hiring you to work.

and i hijack a mech control it with my magical chance so battle advanced through centuries a

hip-hop legacy mega speed hyper worth the automators cribbing like the force the rears

ours which we strike the source enterprise and wise realism is the wisdom and in prison

power with rhythm we keep the fuck alive restoration this is jen how may i help you

yes i'm calling about your positions available carpenter painter cleaner

Cleaner, Labor, Negro.

Okay, we're asking that you come in and fill out an application.

But can you give me some more information about this?

Sure.

It's a full-time position, Monday through Friday.

Oh, yeah.

Please, I'm sorry.

Good afternoon, Accord Restoration.

This is Jen.

How may I help you?

Yes.

What else were you saying about the position?

It is Monday through Friday, 7 a.m. to 3.30 p.m.

Full-time, and you would be on call one week out of the month.

Do I get a car machine, a van machine to use, or do I have to provide my own car, van, truck machine?

You would need to provide your own vehicle and your own tools.

Okay, and what about supplies and materials and shit?

That would be provided to you.

All right, do I pick up the paint for paint jobs?

Do I stop at the paint store, or do you keep the paint in that mom and father?

Sometimes it's delivered to the warehouse that you would need to pick up, or it would be delivered to the job site.

All right, can I drink the paint?

No.

Okay. Can I masturbate inside my vehicle?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

In a moment, we'll be joined by Zolar, Dr. Lego, and Reclude here.

Stand by for that.

No, I'm kidding. No, we won't.

That'd be nice, though, wouldn't it?

You have reached symphony cleaning.

I'll clean your symphony.

I'm not feeling it.

You have reached symphony cleaning.

All right, here's a different cleaning position.

Hey, Big Robin, how you doing, big girl?

Well, I'm fine. Who's this?

Oh, good. This is Eddie Cross. I'm calling about the cleaning person position that you have.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

Is this for cleaning just the apartments after they're vacated

or before they're going to be moved into,

or would I be providing a cleaning service for the stupid idiots there?

It is a cleaning job.

And, yes, when the people vacate, you've got to go in there and clean.

After they've done, like, any draw well work or anything like that,

any paint, then you have to go in and clean

and get it ready for occupancy.

That's what this job's all about.

It's not easy.

Do I get to clean the toilets and the bathrooms?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Do I get to smell them and everything before they get cleaned?

What is this?

Eddie.

Eddie who?

Eddie Cross.

Okay.

You can smell the toilets.

I don't care what you want to do, honey.

Yeah, because what happened was, do you do a background check?

Yes.

Like, just for violent offenders, because what happened with me was I used to go downtown and break in in the capital area, you know, and I would break into cars, but I wouldn't steal.

I would just, like, smell the car seats, and I masturbated inside one of the cars once, and I ejaculated all over it.

Well, more than once, but I got caught on camera.

Like, they had cameras set up, and they had, like, four or five recordings of me doing this, and they had a big case and everything.

thing oh so you were ejaculating in the cars that you were breaking into because i had a thing about

it started off where i just wanted to smell the seats you know um and then i would become

aroused but i would go home and handle it but then after a while i started getting more

adventurous with it and more sexually aroused so then who is this eddie who is this eddie cross

he's looking to apply for the uh cleaning position so i i didn't know if that's the

a kind of criminal background if that would you know i mean i'm they taught me now they've taught

me healing people we want to know if you've uh received stolen property have you done any

robberies never you know things like that never no i just got it was just you know just me

having fantasies but they i went through counseling and now they taught me to do

three affirmative no's

so when I have the urge to do this

I go no, no, no

and I think

and then I lose the urge

and I was also chemically castrated

as a condition of my release

yeah the guy was pissed Sean

Sean who's in the chat room

over at prankcallnation.com

prankcallnation.com

slash chat

That guy was pissed back there.

Who is this?

She's like, oh, no, he's applying for a job.

She was cool.

She thought it was funny.

She thought I was one of their friends or something.

Ejaculated in the cars.

I think she would have given me the job still until the very end there.

All right, commercial tile installer.

Hello, Precision Tile Worker.

How are you?

I see you got a position open for commercial tile installer.

We are looking for experienced full-time commercial tile installers for immediate start phone.

And your name?

My name is Honda, E-Honda.

Okay, and where have you worked before?

I used to work for International Tile Machines, creating tiles, placing them.

And I used to work for United Tile Manufacturer Incorporated.

And we would go out and install the tiles all over.

And I tiled the whole Super Walmart by myself in one night.

super walmart all by yourself in one night well i'm impressed okay um and a phone number uh it's

uh 728-2015 is that an area code of 717 you know it oh yeah and then uh i had a problem uh do you

check criminal background checks yes we do all right because i have a non-violent offense

fans. Okay. I can

explain it to you now. I used to get

sexual gratification by

breaking into cars and parking garages

and masturbating in them after spelling

the seats. And

I got caught. Hey, at least

you're making people happy at work today.

Women versus your mother. Be there.

It's a galactic rap battle. It's

in stupituous.

We lost Blue Planet. No!

Blue Planet, no!

We got Blue Planet back. Yay!

Yay, Blue Planet, yay.

30-30, white millennium, check it out.

Yo, sun to force, ain't no other source of sunlight.

Two-ton mic, leave you tongue-tied.

Construction fleet mechanic.

No apology, shout it out to my colony with bird-eye holes.

I'm a biotech...

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Hello?

Hey, I'm calling about that job for construction fleet mechanic.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm a construction fleet mechanic, and I fix hot rods right now.

I used to work for Jay Leno.

Okay.

Yeah, and then I got caught breaking into a Jaguar in Los Angeles.

I broke into the Jaguar, and I sat in the seat, and I masturbated

because it was a girl's Jaguar, and they caught me.

So now I'm looking for a new job.

Yeah.

Oh, how big is the fleet?

49 vehicles.

What kind of vehicles you got in that motherfucker?

Say again?

What kind of vehicles you got in that motherfucker?

Who's this?

Eddie.

Eddie Cross.

Newtown.

Just moved here two weeks ago.

Just got out of prison.

Okay.

Yeah, realistically, I don't think I can help you, bud.

I can help you.

I can masturbate inside your construction vehicles.

Who the fuck is this?

I like to masturbate while people are waiting for pie to cool.

And I like to masturbate while sniffing old construction vehicles' car seats.

Okay.

I'm going to return your phone number over to the state police.

No, no.

by the way, my brother-in-law is a major.

No, please, no.

Okay, and then we'll let that happen.

Come on, no.

There is no sorry.

I'm turning you over right now.

No, no.

You want to be a douchebag?

No.

I'm calling you.

Yeah, buddy, your phone number's getting turned over.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to lock you back up,

and then I'm going to tell them that you threatened me, okay?

I didn't threaten you.

And the end result, now you're going to go to prison.

I'm recording the call.

You can't lie because I'm recording it.

You know what?

You can't record a call.

You can't make false accusations.

You can't make false accusations under oath, motherfucker.

I'll call the state police right now.

Yeah, well, you're a fucking liar.

Fucking liar.

You're a perjurer.

Perjurer.

You're a perjurer.

Perjury.

Hey, buddy, you know what?

You're giving me a recording of two phone calls consecutively.

You're a perjurer

The law is three calls

Now I got you for threatening me

You're threatening me

I got you on tape threatening me

I got you

You're a douche bag

That's what you sound like

State police

Major

Is going to be calling you

That is my brother-in-law

State Police, help me.

Help me, State Police.

I'm going to jail.

Oh, no.

Major Rick Grimes is going to call me.

With the Alexandria State Police.

He won't call me because then I have cell phones.

So he'll be stopping by my house.

metal melding flexibility of my engine is never failing

this guy probably called me give it to him go over there and beat him up drag him out buy his

underwear abuse him make him suck your dick then get thrown in prison for calling me and saying

that he wanted a job for being weird for in response to my phone number that i posted publicly

I don't fucked up now

Perjurer

All right, I'm sorry, guys.

I'm just reading this ad.

It's long as fuck.

But it says that Advanced Central Services

Services basically has a part-time distribution center.

So, fuck, shit.

Warning shift.

Responsible for dispensing newspapers and supplies to carriers.

Addressing shortages and general maintenance work.

Whatever.

Newspaper, yeah, that's a great idea.

Get a good job in that.

That'll never go away.

I've got an ad here that says to kindly call Jeff and Human Resources

if I'm interested in a commercial lending administrative assistant position.

Minimum administrative assistant.

Instantly, I would be disqualified because I have a dick.

Lost my pen.

This is Jeff from the animal bank.

I'm not here at the moment.

Fucker.

Penn is dead, dead, dead.

Here we go.

All right, let me mark that.

It is no answer.

Previous one, no answer.

Okay, next on the page.

Join our team.

Really loud.

We got a home and garden store.

Several positions open at several locations.

Yes! Here comes spring!

Time to hire.

Thank you for calling the Stalkers of Tickle Hill Human Resources Department.

To apply for a job with Stalkers of Tickle Hill, press 1.

For employment verification, press 2.

If you are calling to check the status of your application, press 3.

Three, to reach Aunt Bunty, it is quick and easy to apply online at skh.com slash careers.

After applying online, you will receive...

I'm sorry, zero is not...

Try that option for Sam.

Thank you for calling Staffers of Pistle Hill's Community Resources Department.

To apply for a job with Staffers of Pistle Hill, press 1.

For employment verification, press 2.

Two, you are calling to check the status of your application.

Press three to reach Andrew Bunty, payroll benefits specialist.

Press four to reach Jamie Fershberger.

Please hold while your call is being transferred to Andrew Bunty.

Payroll time.

Hi, you've reached the desk of Andrew Bunty, payroll and benefits specialist for staffers at Kissel Hill.

Sorry I missed your call.

I'm either out of the office or away from my desk.

Please hold while your call is being transferred to receptionist.

Hey, I'm just calling because I got to talk to the guy about the job.

I work at Hummelstown store.

Okay.

Okay, and they caught me masturbating in the bathroom and I was suspended

and I got a call back in to speak about getting, I guess, a review

to see if I lose my job for masturbating.

Who are you supposed to talk to?

I don't know.

So they said to call this number and that they would know about me masturbating in the bathroom?

Um, I have no idea who you're supposed to speak with.

Can you ask and see who's in charge of my case regarding my suspension?

What's your name?

Uh, Eddie Cross.

Okay, just a minute.

Uh, push it, yeah.

It's the fuck machine.

And I don't fuck with nobody but you, yeah, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

They version of J-Bo and more Super 70s on 7 right now.

You horny hand clappers, come on, let's go.

I feel free.

Good afternoon, HR, this is Keith.

Hey, Keith, Keith, I work at the Humble Sound Store.

My name's Eddie Cross, and I'm supposed to call back regarding my suspension.

I got caught masturbating last week inside the bathroom,

and they said put me on suspension.

They said I have to call back regarding speaking to someone,

see if they can take my suspension off or if I'm going to be terminated.

Okay, I'm sorry, what's your name, please?

Eddie Cross.

Cross?

Cross.

Krauss.

You want to spell that for me?

C-R-O-S-S.

C-R-O-F-F?

S-S.

G-R-O-F-F or C-R-O?

Krauss.

Oh, Krauss?

Krauss.

Okay, can you spell that one more time for me?

I'm sorry.

C-R-O-S-S.

Oh, here we go.

Okay, and Krauss?

Krauss.

And I was masturbating inside the bathroom.

And you work at the Homeless Town store?

Yes.

Okay.

I haven't talked to Dave Myers.

Myers, when did this supposedly happen?

Saturday.

Okay.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Let me take your phone number.

I was in the women's bathroom masturbating,

and I had a feminine napkin in my hand.

I was smelling it, and a woman walked in

and saw me with my pants around my ankles,

and I was holding a back-to-pad in my face.

I was smelling it, and on the other hand, I was masturbating,

and the manager called the manager and said I had a goal and I was suspended

and they took my badge.

Who said that?

What manager?

I don't know, just the manager there.

I don't know who it was on duty that day.

Because I haven't been working there that long.

Okay, can you do it one more time?

Just spell your last name for me.

Croft.

Okay, spell it, please.

C-R-O-F-F.

Okay, I'm not...

What's the first name?

Eddie.

Eddie Croft.

Croft.

Okay.

I'll tell you what.

Let me call Dave Myers, okay?

What's the number I can get back to you?

621-2015.

Okay.

Let me give you a call back.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Bye.

I want to get their whole music back.

I'll call back over there.

He's going to call Dave Meyer.

That's his store manager, maybe.

You got some

mongoloid kids

masturbating.

He's going to say,

I don't know how to spell the name.

I think it's Kross.

Kross? Krauss?

Kross.

I've never done a voice like that before.

It's pretty cool.

It's not very nice, though.

It makes fun of people with cerebral palsy.

No, no, not the dead.

I mean, it's people with Down syndrome, I should say.

Don't say retard, people.

Look at that retard over there.

Shit.

Don't do that.

That's rude.

That's mean.

I volunteered to work for the Down syndrome association once when I was in college.

It was a really cool experience.

I learned quite a bit.

I definitely learned that if women don't want to be getting pregnant when they're in their 40s,

because that's the biggest factor.

Not that it'd be horrible if it happened.

I'm just saying.

Tough road.

tough tough cac scott speaking how can i help you hi i'll call you regarding the job you have posted

for customer relations okay your first name uh my name is eddie crawl all right eddie a couple

quick questions are you over 18 yes high school diploma yes and do you have your own reliable

vehicle i do yes i masturbate i masturbate in it that is wonderful that is awesome now a little

little bit about the application here okay now we do go see prostitutes okay fun what do you want

i'm calling well it's a local distributor for inter international manufacturer is this for

car parts or what exactly no who is this eddie cross obviously you're messing with me who i'm

sorry what's that bitch's name can you put her on the phone and who is this first of all eddie cross

i can't figure out who this is tell her it's eddie veteran put her on the phone for me

thank you for holding hey honey baby how are you good how are you you like any better i did too

i was i was calling about the customer relations job okay hang on one second hey wait a minute but

then i heard you and i got like a real fucking hard on because your voice is so fucking hot i

want to fuck you hello are you sending fax hello hey buddy how are you good how are you oh good

i was just talking to that one girl she's really fucking hot yeah i want to pork her yeah have you

you ever porked her oh yeah yeah yeah no pork you nice yeah nice what's it like floppy what

are the other guys taste like i have no idea i didn't eat it oh you didn't okay yeah all right

well all right well fuck you all right and fuck your people okay sounds good fuck you in the ass

no i don't go i don't hit that way yeah you don't go that way okay all right is this james yeah

yeah but i want to fuck her so bad for real like do you really james yeah i do for real i do do

Do you?

I've been wanting to for a while.

I've been drinking today, but I really want to fuck her so hard.

I'm going to fuck her right from behind, you know?

What do you think she sounds like?

She's like, ooh, ooh.

I have no idea.

Tell her, James.

Tell her it's me, and I need to talk to her real quick.

I need to apologize.

She don't want to talk to anybody that talks to her that way.

No, I'm not going to talk like that.

I was joking.

She said she was a lady.

Tell her I'm sorry.

Tell her.

She's all upset right now.

Tell her I'm sorry, motherfucker.

No, she's all upset, man.

Well, fuck you then.

You done pissed her off, upset her?

Well, you're a faggot motherfucker.

I fucking hate you, you fucking asshole.

I know, I am a dickhead.

You're the worst at your fucking job, you know that?

I suck at my job.

James said that.

James said it.

Yeah, James.

James.

My name is James.

James.

Are you done?

James.

Are you done?

I'm James.

Oh, I'm coming.

Are you done now?

James is coming.

Are you done now?

Yeah, I'm done.

Okay, bye.

I love you.

Bye.

Bye, faggot.

Faggot is a bad word.

Don't say that, guys.

Bad word.

I got watching over here.

I was in NAMM, you know what I'm saying, bro.

One, two, three, four.

There's a couple of things going down on here.

Breaking beyond.

Hey, boy.

I see you got a position open for a White House associate.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Warehouse associate.

Okay.

You registered with us?

Yes.

Okay.

Your name?

My name is Craw.

Craw?

Craw.

Last name?

That's my last name.

Craw.

Okay.

First name?

Eddie.

A.

First name is A?

Eddie.

Oh, Eddie.

All right.

Off to a good start here.

C-R-A-W?

Crawl.

Yeah.

C-R-A-W-L?

Crawl.

Eddie Crawl.

I don't think you're registered with us yet, are you?

Look under Akulo, A-C-U-L-O.

Tell you what, what's the last four?

That's private, sir.

Really?

Just name, yeah.

Oh.

You know when I look you up, it's going to have your social in here, right?

Yeah, but I don't like to give it out, you know, just in case someone spoofed your advertisement.

All right.

So I'm looking under A-Q, I gotcha, A-Q-U?

A-C-U-L-O.

Or Oxmall, O-X-S-M-A-L-L.

How do you have a million last names?

Well, I've got a few.

Oxmall, first name Mike.

Huh?

Why do you have multiple names?

What is going on here?

Well, because what happens is my browser automatically fills stuff,

and sometimes it pulls the wrong one, yeah.

Look under Oxmall, O-X-S-M-A-L-L, first name Mike, M-I-K-E-E.

No, don't have that either.

You don't have Mike Oxmall?

No.

So, you're certain just the last four of social, you're uncomfortable giving me that?

I can give you the last two?

Nope, last four is the only way to search for it.

Last two is too vague.

Yeah, I mean, it's very uncomfortable, you know?

Yeah?

Yeah.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Tell you what, then, why don't you just stop into the office?

That way you know it's actually us, and that would make us comfortable.

Okay.

Are you seriously peeing on the phone right now?

Oh, you can hear that?

Jesus Christ.

It's all conversations.

conversations happen in the office if you if you know i'm in i'm in the garage right now oh you are

okay i'm in the garage i got it and i'm uh slowly emptying a bottle of water into a bucket oh yeah

yeah gotcha all right yeah just stop in sometime we can look you up that way you can maybe provide

us with your id or something like that all right okay all right thank you okay yep see ya bye

Oh, shit.

Are you serious?

Oh, boy.

No, I'm in my garage.

Controls will have to be imposed,

and a world-governing body will be created to enforce them.

Crises precipitate change.

Okay.

I want to devise a virus to bring dire straits to your environment.

The newspaper themselves put an ad here for people to take out ads.

An ad in the ad section, advertising and buying ads.

So let's call them confused.

Let's. Let's. All one of us.

Thanks for calling the PA Media Group. This is Nicole. Can I help you?

how are you big nicole fine how are you um yeah yeah i'm all right yeah yeah um i'm calling

because you have a job posting here recruitment advertising needed both in print and online

and the job is monday through friday where are you reading this at in the newspaper machine

In the newspaper.

Machine.

What on the machine?

Newspaper machine.

I bought a newspaper machine at the store on Sunday.

Okay.

On Sunday.

Okay.

So I'm not sure what your question is.

Well, there's an ad here for a job, and it has your phone number.

It says for recruiting and advertising.

Right.

So if you were placing an ad for employment, you would call us.

So, yeah, I need a job.

I need employment.

that. Well, then you're going to have to look

on PennLive or look in the Patriot

News for any jobs that you're looking

for. But this is the phone number

it says for the needs

to call this number. Right.

If you were to be placing

an ad, if you were a company hiring,

you would call us.

Well, who do I send my resume to?

To the email address, recruitment

at PennLive.com? No.

That's if you're placing an ad

for employment. Do you know you spelled

recruitment wrong on that?

On what? In the newspaper?

Yeah, it's spelled wrong.

It's spelled wrong?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's pretty stupid.

You're looking at the Sunday paper?

Okay.

Yeah, so if you're looking for a job, I would check the Petri News or PennLive.

All right, I'll do that.

I'll do that.

Okay.

All right, thanks for the help.

I was confused.

You're welcome.

Stupid.

No problem.

All right, asshole.

All right, fucking asshole.

That's nice.

That's lovely.

I know the C word.

Do you want to hear it?

No, that's okay.

Thank you.

Have a good day.

just saying i could say it i could say it i do gotta pee though that was torture playing

okay i'm back had to get some water to drink and make me pee again later yeah yeah so who did they

call last i'm confused like i got the number here i remember calling a number and not being really

sure what was going on with it i don't even know where that number came from

Anyway, in the meantime, here's a lead framer, carpenter, and helper position.

Lead framer?

Maybe.

So upgrade your grain matter, because one day it may matter.

Grain matter.

Because one day it may matter.

Grain matter.

Because one day it may matter.

Grain matter.

Because one day it may matter.

Regions of the universe.

Deltron Zero.

Hello?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Who's this?

Hey, I'm calling regarding the lead framer, carpenter, helper positions.

This is Billy.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

How you doing?

Not too good, not too good.

I had a little bit of a cramp this morning when I woke up.

I did call the state police, and now I'm going to give them this number.

No.

Well, my wife is on the other line with the state police, and they will find you.

Oh, come on.

No.

No, come on, yeah.

And the sexual things you said about the equipment,

they're going to be following up with you real quickly.

Because you think they're going to take serious that I jerked off?

You're a fucking idiot, you know?

He put two ads?

Seriously, he had to put two ads in the paper?

No wonder it was the sexual things I said about the vehicles.

Uh-oh.

His wife is on the phone with her brother, who's a state policeman.

And he's probably like, shut the fuck up.

Who cares?

Yes, state police.

I put an ad in the paper.

I put two ads in the paper, and I got a call back.

The guy said he wanted to smell the seats and masturbate.

He said sexual things.

And you should put him in prison forever.

He'll send you to jail for 50 years.

All right, gym supervisor.

Yeah, gym time.

Yeah, come on, get pumped.

Yeah.

Yeah! Come on, Lugheads!

Well, shit.

Try it again.

Oh, the fucking button, motherfucker!

All right, fine.

All right, so now we're moving on.

Now I've completely taken apart the newspaper, and now I'm lost.

Where am I going? Employment. Here we go.

All right, all right, I got it, I got it.

FedEx. FedEx now hiring at multiple locations.

Wow.

I don't know if I want that.

One day it may matter.

This job here says no phone calls, alright?

Maintenance person.

For residential rental business.

Salary negative.

Own trans.

Electrons, Deltrons, strithing with molecular bonds.

Upgrades are great, man.

Hello.

Hey, I see you got this job position opening, buddy.

Yeah.

Yeah, what can you tell me about it?

What kind of work do you do?

I do maintenance work.

I used to work at a condo association and then an apartment.

I used to fix everything.

I used to fix doors, windows, toilets, carpets.

I used to get in there.

That's what we do.

We have rental properties, and we fixed up the properties after people moved out,

and then we also rehabbed some properties.

What type of vehicle do you drive?

I've got a Ford F-150 truck machine.

Okay.

And what are you looking per hour?

Eight an hour.

Okay.

Seven, if you want, seven.

That's kind of inexpensive, isn't it?

Well, whatever.

I just need a job, you know?

Okay.

I like to masturbate inside the units before they get converted back over.

Oh, that's cool.

I like the smell of the used toilets.

Oh, that's cool.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Oh, that's stupid.

It's better when they're women receptionists.

That's what I love.

Especially the real saucy ones like, I hate my job and I hate everything.

Thank you for calling ArtRail Properties.

I am unable to answer the phone right now, but if you would please leave your name.

Fart rental properties.

All right, newly listed, what?

They need forklift drivers.

Okay, forklift drivers.

Talk about the one at the Lowe's that I ejected out of

after the rocket launcher attack.

Patty speaking, how can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Ms. Fart?

I was calling regarding a position you have for a forklift driver.

Are you registered with Berks and Beyond?

Do you want me to see if you're registered with Berks and Beyond?

No, I don't want you to.

Okay, are you registered with Berks and Beyond?

Uh, yeah.

Are you registered or not with Berks and Beyond?

Well.

Okay, can I put you on hold one second?

Okay.

Hold on.

Thanks again for calling locally owned and operated Berks and Beyond Employment Services.

Dawson, Lackawanna, Lancaster, Lebanon.

Lackawanna, Lackawanna.

Thank you for holding.

Hello.

Yes, I just had a bowel movement.

How can I help you?

Excuse me?

I just had my bowel movement.

Okay, I'm asked who's calling.

Uh, yes.

My name is Eddie Craw.

I'm calling regarding the job.

I'm already connected with BerksAndBeyond.com,

all-line operations machine,

and I already got a call back,

and I'm calling about the forklift position.

I want to drive the forklift and be like,

me, me, me, fuck, shit!

They hung up on me.

Where's Matt? Where's sidetrack Matt?

Sidetrack Matt.

Oh, Trainwreck was wanting to join.

I didn't know.

I didn't see you, buddy.

Oh, man.

Trainwreck.

Now he's offline.

Train, I'm sorry, Train.

I didn't see you, man.

Aw.

He was trying to get my attention.

God damn it.

God bless him.

Oh, well.

Let me just call Matt.

He calls me blind all the time.

Fuck him.

All right.

Where are we at now?

Manager asked Manager and Carriers.

Manager and Carriers.

uh newspaper carriers are encouraged to apply wow interesting they're trying to recruit people

directly from the oh wow all right need to be experienced and whatnot and so forth okay here

we go hey that's all buddy matt so buddy what's up with the facial hair you're looking good i like

it man oh yeah hang on a second uh yeah i don't know just kind of just you know a little lazy

little uh it looks good just don't grow a neck beard dude that's the only thing i yeah i shave

it down there don't get there you like the gray yeah it makes you look yeah you look like a young

george clooney yeah what's up man nothing i'm just i don't know if you're listening i'm calling out

of the newspaper i know you have fun when i do these day shows like this yeah yeah all right

what's that uh that your picture what was that guy's thing on the spell show yeah he was the

So, holla, holla, holla.

Holla, holla, holla, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Holla, holla, holla, holla, holla.

Yeah, man.

Forget his name.

I got it somewhere.

All right, look.

This guy, this place is looking for, they're advertising in the competing newspaper for

trying to recruit the employees of that newspaper.

I'm surprised it passed their vetting process.

That's funny.

Hey, if you're calling Pay Now Communications, how may I help you?

Yeah, I want to bring the pain.

Hello?

Yes, sir?

Yeah, I'm a current employee.

at the patriot news and i saw you guys are recruiting trying to steal away some of the

people over to you guys i don't know sir i they are out of the office at the moment i'll call them

a moment what are you doing you sound like you're having trouble lady look we're looking to jump

ship we want to be at a new paper we're at home but yeah you like this mishka shirt that's uh

take off of the Necromantic

poster. I don't know what either are,

but it looks nice. Yeah.

It looks cool. It's cool art.

Well, it's a movie about a girl fucking a corpse

Necromantic, but

he drew it with his cartoony

thing. Ah, Mitchka.

It's like a fucking

well, it's like a

kind of cool brand, but

yeah, it's like a fucking $50

shirt, yo. Yeah, hello?

Yes, sir. Can I

have someone give you a call back?

But what do you do there?

Do you just answer the phones and look pretty?

Yes, sir.

Oh, so you're looking really pretty today?

Actually, no.

I just come from the doctor, so.

Oh, did they look at your vagina?

No.

What did you go to the doctor for?

What did he do?

Was it your colon?

No, it's my stomach.

Oh, are you taking nasty shits, like bad shits?

This doctor talks, getting my dick on swole.

So what happened?

Do you have a bacterial thing?

Oh, sir.

Are you getting bypass surgery?

You're getting bypass surgery.

Congratulations.

You're getting lap band surgery.

Oh, you won't be a fatty no more.

Yay, congratulations.

Amen.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm going to pray for your recovery.

I'm glad you got approved.

Well, maybe you're still in the approval process, but keep fighting the insurance company.

Make sure they get that on their dime.

They try to fight you tooth and nail, but they got to cover that lap band.

It's going to be fun playing with those big old skin flaps that you have left.

Just hang.

All right.

Yeah.

All right, honey.

Hey, we want to work at this newspaper.

I can take a message.

Where's the men at that work there?

Are they having lunch out at the titty bar?

Not sure where they're at.

I don't get tabs on them.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're just like, you man the phones.

We're going out.

This is man shit.

shit they come back they smell like uh whiskey they got glitter on them you know where they've

been you know it sounds like a good place to work we're very interested yeah can you uh like

estimate when they might be back i'm not sure when they'll be back they should be back here

probably within a half hour or so all right well god bless sweetheart we'll bring you back

Okay.

So they're there now.

They're coming back to leave?

I said, actually, they probably won't be back

if they leave at four o'clock.

Oh, shit.

Oh, they're not coming back.

Oh, fuck.

That really fucks stuff up for us, you know, honey?

Can you sneak into their office

and look at the files for us?

No, sir, I cannot.

Why not? Come on.

Come on, we're your lap band buddies.

Come on, yeah.

Yeah.

You said I'd have a lap band.

I don't need a lap band.

I'm only size four.

Oh, you got a nice little figure on you, sweetheart.

A nice little thing on you.

I like it.

Just don't make that pussy too hot.

There's something wrong with your stomach.

It takes anal out of the picture altogether.

Nah, you just got to go hard, man.

Get an amoeba or something off you.

An amoeba.

A microscopic hydra.

Do you have tapeworms?

Is that what you're talking about?

There she goes, finally.

Oh, shit.

Wow, she sounded like she had some serious problems.

I'm just a size four.

You said I was getting a laugh, man.

Man, this place says ask for Matt.

Oh, okay.

Oh, it's the same.

There's some company in here.

It is Berks and Beyond.

This is like one central company because they keep asking,

Skin, are you registered at Berks and Beyond?

So I was calling the one guy I was peeing.

Are you seriously peeing right now?

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

Bye.

All right.

Open interviews.

Yeah.

Open, baby.

Today's movie on the Universal National Network is a classic starring the two comedic geniuses

of North American cinema from the 20th century, Bob and Doug McKenzie.

What?

What is this talking about Bob and Doug McKenzie?

Stranger Roo.

It's a national movie.

Do you want me to play from the beginning?

Well, was this their hold music?

No, no, no.

I couldn't figure out what was going on.

That'd be awesome hold music.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special message.

How's it going, eh?

Today's movie on the Universal National Network is a classic.

classic starring in the two comedic geniuses of north american cinema from the 20th century

okay bob and doug mckenzie entitled strange brew it chronicles the heroic adventures of two latter

day renaissance men or to use the correct 20th century terminology hosers we give it three thumbs

up remember that's a real movie when they were like laying in bed with each other and they were

doing the steamroller steamroller i don't know i don't know this i don't know this at all it's

just on a deltron it's so that's a real movie oh strange bruise fucking dope yo i always thought

that was a fake thing they made up for that that's funny i'll have to check that out i went and seen

a one gorillas concert and dell was like the only it was hidden behind the thing uh-huh and he was

up front, and I was all

fucked up. I had a fever, and I was

wearing a...

Hello? How you doing there, buddy?

Is Matty there? Hello, this is Adam.

Yeah. Where's Matt?

Huh?

He said it was asked for Matt.

Sorry. No, it's not the Matt one anymore.

No, you're good. You're good.

So you were real fucked up and watching Dell?

Oh, yeah, yeah, and I was like,

you people don't even know who this is!

This is fucking Dell! Show them some

respect! Like, yelling it

the crowd because i didn't feel that they were like giving them his due that's i excuse brother

or cousin i don't they probably were i was just drunk and had a fever like a crazy fever

i went to two concerts yeah hello how are you sir i'm calling regarding the open interviews

that you're having at the holiday inn that's nice yeah um are you serving dinner with this at all

No.

Oh, can I bring some barbecue with me and eat it during the interviews?

Do it like while I'm waiting?

No.

I can't?

No, I prefer not, no.

Okay, all right.

No.

What can you tell me?

What do you got against barbecue?

I'll bring some for you, and I'll suck your dick.

Hello?

Like a nice hot link?

Or you sound like a brisket man, some nice brisket.

Fuck that guy.

Fuck him all night.

I'd prefer you didn't.

Yeah, I'd prefer you didn't.

He is the cousin

I'm gonna pour pulled pork all over you

You fucking faggot

Huh, yes

So Del is the cousin of Ice Cube

Began his career writing lyrics

For Ice Cube's group The Lynch Mob

Yeah

The Lynch Mob with gorillas in the mist

Yeah man

Walking, talking in my big black boots

Yeah, that was just Cube by himself

Wasn't it?

That was Predator, I think

been great i think that's right yeah i think or kill it will one of those two um i wish my

brothers at the age of 18 was his first album cool wow that's awesome i learned about him like

around 94 95 the album was a commercial says due to the popularity of the hit single mr dobelina

that's funny mr dobelina bob dobelina yeah that's funny brad's been bringing it up so much lately

uh you should check out this youtube video i put in there it is uh uh old dirty

stir with with fugazi mixed into it it's really good with fugazi okay that sounds interesting

yeah it's cool as fuck that this one has like it's intercut with uh it's from the wire with

omar oh sweet omar coming yo i started watching that this week that's my new series i'm working

working on that oh dude it's so good so good yeah man yeah hey we're not on youtube don't

worry about the haters today you know oh well i love them man i was just thinking like yeah

yeah i need to do some arguing with the motherfuckers because i was reading over

the comments i told my wife they're so like look at this god they're so brutal like

here's one that says and this is where milkman breaks down like a baby and like oh my god like

Like, you guys are fucking brutal.

Brutal.

They were brutal towards Rappi when he was visiting Brad.

Yeah, they just suck.

It's all right.

All right, photographers.

I like going in and, like, you know, like, calling them faggots and then saying, like, hugs and kisses.

Yeah, yeah.

That kind of shit.

Cheers, mate.

I know how you do it.

Hey, you want to be a part-time photographer?

Because I think that would be kind of funny for you.

Fuck yeah, I want to be a part-time photographer.

Hell yeah, man.

There you go.

I'm going in a cactus this.

I don't know if you're in there.

I can't.

My video over to there.

You sports photo may help you.

Hi.

Calling about the part-time pornographer position.

Okay, tell you what.

Let me take your name and number.

The owner is gone for the day.

Wait, where is he?

Is he out doing some porno shoots?

Who is this?

He is?

Who is this?

I'm a hopefully all male because that's what I really like photographing, you know?

You know, it's got to be bareback.

None of this condom bullshit, though, you know, right?

Who is this?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Sugar Tits.

Name is Matt fucking Hillock.

Sugar Tits did it.

That's funny.

Yeah.

It's going to be male on male.

None of that condom bareback.

That didn't do it.

But Sugar Tits.

You sports photo, may I help you?

Yeah.

Why'd you hang up on me, cunt?

Excuse me?

Why'd you hang up on me, cunt?

I'm sorry, I do not understand you.

Why did you hang up on me, you stupid cunt?

I still do not understand what you are saying.

You're all broken up.

Are you sure you're on a good connection?

I want to make a connection with you.

Seriously?

Yeah.

I want to give you some of this HIV.

What does that stand for?

It's the gay disease I got.

Well, we used to call it the gay cancer.

cancer human immuno violations uh virus immunodeficiency c yeah it's good it's the

gay cancer yeah gay cancer yeah hey ma'am here it comes here it comes ma'am she's i think she's

being clever with her speakerphone no actually i have your number i'm calling the police on the

other side oh really what are you gonna tell the police no because you've been recorded here since

you called back so thank you so much for the details oh that details what what are you gonna

tell the police exactly conversation here what's the wrong thing what what was illegal stupid

oh well you go harassment on the phone you know yeah and that's why you put it on speaker so you

go hands free and rub on those big old flappy titties is that what you're doing didn't want

When I have to hold the phone up to your goddamn big cauliflower ear from all your days of amateur wrestling.

Wow, you must be really bored.

You're the one fucking talking to me, dummy.

And recording me to tell the police something.

What are you going to tell the police exactly?

Somebody was harassing you?

When's the last time you got any attention from a male?

I think it's been a while.

I think that's why you keep it going.

You haven't hung up.

It's getting you wet.

That was awesome, Matt.

You did good, man.

The other bitch in the background yelling.

Oh, good stuff, man.

Yeah, could you call him back?

Yeah.

I wanted to do the completely different person.

Yes.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

Wow.

She must be busy on the other line with the police.

oh my god please please help oh please please i mean this whole apparently has been recorded

and the phone number is known we're fucked yeah i'm changing the id maybe that'll do it right

yeah yeah well oh yeah and maybe i gotcha took me a second the sid the sid

mr donald wow wow without even being 100 sure because it was a different

an ID. Yeah, I think

there's no more phone calls

going up that office.

We're rolling over to

roll the calls over to voicemail.

We're going, fuck it.

Well, that wasn't even a voicemail.

That was a pick-up hang-up.

Yeah, I know.

Craziest is

how many people have

disconnected their numbers or no longer

accept Skype calls because of me.

I like that kind of shit.

make a change in the world look how many

lunk alarms we've burnt down on

PCN in the last week and a half

god damn another one last night

it took me a minute

to know what

I had him saved as hunk alarms

in my like things

I'm like where the fuck do I have some

shit that says like hunk alarm

what

oh yeah hunk alarm

oh yeah

yeah because the first uncle on my tried it on your show and it worked but it didn't really

you know take off from there but

okay i like the music playing that's nice i love it i need to start doing that does it go out over

the air as well yeah it does and then but it doesn't go to the callers right um it can or

it can depending on how i have it set up right now i have it set up where they don't hear it

which helps yeah yeah yeah that's probably better but they can't hear the sound effects that's on a

different thing so they they can hear the piss in and shit like that yeah this is good i really

thought you were pissing at first all right look at this guy it's yeah i'm like you look i got a

pricing analyst job for napa you know that parts company napa napa like tools or a car no like

Yeah, break.

Fox Lizard's going to go piss.

I will wait.

Can't knock up them parts.

Thank you for calling NASA Transportation.

Extension 217.

Transferring to Extension 217.

One moment, please.

Here, I got a good one for you.

All right.

This is a guy named Phil, Philip R. Gordon.

He's a very angry old guy.

Like, he just talks to him about whatever.

Fuck you, fuck your mother, Nash, you motherfucker.

Phone's being really weird.

Where am I getting a double ring from?

Oh.

All right, now I'm confused.

Shower, telephone call at the beach.

Please leave a short message.

Oh, that wasn't you.

I'm sorry, you confused me.

I'm going to do this.

I'll do that.

And we will return your call as soon as possible.

Phillip Gardner.

Have a nice day.

Thank you.

All right, I have no idea what was going on there for a second.

All right, let me see who's next.

I got derailed.

Matt's peeing.

Plumber.

A plumber.

You need three years' experience.

Sure.

I got that.

I got a laptop.

That's all I need.

I'm going to do everything.

Pallets.

It's a great day with Mr. Ruder Plumbing.

This is Pam speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Shit in the toilet.

I'm calling about the plumber positions you have available.

Okay.

To clean out the shit in the toilet when it gets clogged.

shit yeah you're calling about the plumber's position that is in the paper yeah because you

know sometimes people take a shit in the toilet and it breaks the toilet yes i know sir all right

uh can i have your name please yeah my name is eddie qual eddie qual and your phone number sir

it's 218-2015 okay and do you have a plumber's license yeah i've got two two all right two

I have two different names, my name and I have another one that I use on the side.

All right.

Hold on just a minute, please.

All right, sexy.

And it's guaranteed.

Ask about permaliner when we return to the line.

Okay, the gentleman you need to speak to is not available right now.

Can I have him return your phone?

Call Mr. Quall.

What's he?

Is he touching his asshole?

May I ask who's calling, please?

Eddie Quall.

Who is this?

Eddie Quall.

Yes.

Eddie Quall.

I'm Eddie Quall.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Have you, uh, never mind, sir.

That position has been built.

No, it hasn't.

And if it has, oh.

Damn, man.

You heard that?

Was that the newspaper?

No, this is the plumber.

Oh, okay.

Was it because you were using the Chinaman name?

Is that discrimination?

I don't know.

Because I was saying honey and asking if they were touching their assholes.

Is this her again?

Yeah.

Mr. Bruder, Brenda speaking.

Hello.

I am a completely different person.

I am not the Chinaman that called earlier.

I wanted a job.

Who is this?

This is Matt fucking Hillock.

Okay, you know what, Matt?

I'm going to hang up with you.

I'm going to star 69 this phone number, and I'm calling the police.

So have fun with that, you weird fuck.

I like you talking about 69 with me.

Have fun with that, you weird fuck.

Yeah.

It's a good show, man.

man. We're having fun today.

I gotta end it, man.

Just about. Not yet. I'm gonna get myself a few more minutes.

Alright. I gotta get dinner going.

I gotta do laundry. But I got time. I got time.

Yeah, I did some laundry

today. Alright, you wanna try to call back the

photographer now? See if now they'll

pick up?

Yeah, yeah. I'll call whatever

the fuck you want, man. Just tell me what it is

before. This is the one you wanted to do?

Yeah, the completely different person.

Alright, 06.

We turned everything off for the day.

We could call some hotels and ask for Bob Dabalina.

I got a hotel here.

We could call you for a photo.

Yeah, they're taking calls for the day.

Does DS want to join us?

Hang on.

I think she's saying she wants to.

Oh, yeah, she did hit me up.

She gave me a blog.

Let's see if she wants to be on.

You like DS.

She's your friend.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

Hey, what's up, DS?

ah these nuts what's up that's the sound of the police

i hear them

did you ever hear that one cool like french hip-hop song that had that

like sampled in it is really neat did they sample it like french style

it was just that krs with that but the rest of like the lyrics were in french

dude have y'all ever heard

Godflesh

songs of love and hate and dub

it's like got like

KRS-One like mixed in with

Godflesh like

I came with skills

and left with your motherfucking respect

it's really

good

I recommend it

hey guys do we want to

keep doing newspaper calls or

I can do some swap shop calls

Whatever.

I say we keep looking for jobs.

Fuck it.

Yeah.

You know, although I do say it works for suckers.

Yeah.

I feel very hireable.

Will you see if you can get a job to be a plumbing foreman?

See if they'll take you seriously or they'll be rude.

Sure.

I wonder how they'll react.

Yeah, that's not lady work.

See you later, Bob Vance.

Bob Vance going to work.

If you're listening at work and are getting ready to leave and think you won't be able to hear,

remember you can listen to us on mobile.

You can listen to us on mobile if you go to tinyurl.com slash PCN TuneIn.

You can keep listening to the show in your car or in your commute home.

Look at that.

Yeah, man.

tiny earl tiny url.com slash pc and real estate job all right looking for my name's earl did you

say i had a small penis is that what you're saying no oh wait hold up this place is going

to have a career information seminar today at 6 p.m which is in like two hours so we can we can

Alright, cool. I'm going to call

Sam Catering.

Try to get invited.

Well, they're saying just come down.

You can eat barbecue

during the seminar.

I got kids. I got to bring my kids.

We're going to be eating barbecue at McDonald's.

Barbecue at McDonald's.

I'm talking about.

This is Morgan. How can I help you?

Hey, Mistress Morgan. I'm calling

regarding your seminar you're having

today. Information

at 6 p.m.? Yes.

Do you still have room for me to come down?

Yeah, you can come on down.

Okay.

How many people usually show up to these things?

I'm not sure.

Oh, shit.

Our agent, Liz, runs them.

It starts at 6 o'clock.

I believe it runs about a half hour to 45 minutes, depending on how many people come and how many questions there are.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I'm bringing my, just to let you guys know, I've got to bring my kids.

I've got to pick them up from after school, and they're coming, so I'm just going to give them some McDonald's,

and they'll sit down they'll be quiet for the most part i got three kids and then i'll be eating my

dinner too because i'm diabetic and i can't wait so i'll be i'll be oh i'm gonna eat we're gonna

be eating barbecue and mcdonald's there okay all right i'm also bringing my uncle uh and uh well

i'm sorry i'm bringing my brother-in-law i should say their uncle he's maddie and his uh his

his common law wife is coming too this seminar is gonna be good we got so much barbecue and we

We got two cases of beer for this thing.

We are getting jobs.

Kegger.

Yeah.

No, I talked to somebody earlier, and they said we couldn't bring in a full keg.

But they said if I had some beers, like, in a bag, it'd be okay, you know?

But the real estate people are paying for it anyway, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to be able to submit, like, a receipt to get compensated, right, for the cost and all that?

The cost of what?

Of catering for the thing tonight.

Because we're catering.

You don't have to bring anything.

Well, we have.

We have to eat.

I mean, I've got three kids, my brother-in-law and my sister's coming.

You know, they're going to be watching.

I can't just have them do it for free.

I got to tell them I feed them.

Feed them dinner.

They'll have some McDonald's and have some beers, you know, they'll chill.

Do you have like a lobby that they can hang out in or can they just come into the seminar?

Yeah, my poor brother here is diabetic.

He's got to eat.

I got to have my barbecue.

Do you want to talk to Liz?

The woman who runs the seminar?

Yeah, let's talk to her.

That would be fantastic.

Is she hot?

Hello?

Can you put Liz on?

Thank you for calling the voicemail of Elizabeth.

The voicemail?

No, I said I wanted the Liz.

Why did that lady stay on the phone?

Like, during the day, you can just get people to stay around.

Honestly, they don't know what to do.

Like, what the fuck?

Some of them are taking calls for years on it.

And it's just business.

And now some guy's actually calling in with some life.

Calling Century 21 Realty Services.

This is Morgan.

How can I help you?

Morgan, we want to talk to the Liz, not to the Liz's voicemail.

You know?

She actually is not in the office at the moment.

Did you want to leave her a voicemail and she can get back to you?

Well, is she at the venue now?

No.

She's going to be there.

She's running it, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is she hot?

Oh, yeah.

I've seen her Facebook.

Liz is smoking.

Someone named Liz should be able to

Here

Alright, one more try to see if we can get

Pearl Necklace in here

And we let her go, but I don't think she's going to pick up

You're like, yeah, we're all excited

I'm not checking my PM

Matt's saying that he's all excited about the

Keep calling Century 21 Realty Service

We should get people to give us a random

Can we bring, can I bring her a Pearl Necklace?

You think that'd be okay?

Can you guys stop calling and asking these questions?

Pearl Necklace, Pearl Necklace.

Nope, not going to stop.

It's important, we find out.

Can you put that number in chat so I can save it?

Sure, hang on, let me...

Yeah, everyone can go to a party, learn about real estate.

I'm going to give you, is it a real estate job?

I guess real estate.

I had a funny idea.

People can give you bizarre words in chat,

and you have to work them into the brain call.

Bizarre words?

I mean, that's kind of...

Like Pearl Necklace.

That's the old phone game.

That's the old, like, we would try to get someone to say,

cactus and exactly but it's not like something you just came up with i just didn't think about it

mad be nice come on fuck you i'm high yeah well listen there's there's one where what we would

do is we ask the chat room for three like a word yeah and we try to get you can try to get them to

say without you saying it yourself people are enjoying it that's what it's a good idea it's

with the phone show. It was a thing.

I tried to work the phone show

back in slowly. Shut up, Matt.

Well, here's the thing.

In the chat room, give three words, and

whoever does it picks one of those three

and goes with it. You know what I mean?

I think that's fun.

I used to fucking

always think I was so good because I

could get people at 7-Eleven to say

cactus. Well, look at George there.

Look at George.

Nigger, huh?

What? Get them

I'm going to say nigger.

Bacon.

Bacon would be a hard one.

Bacon fried.

Just call, like, the Waffle House.

Yeah.

You got to call whoever's next.

Yeah, here.

I'll do that.

Yeah.

I'll get, like, fucking three of these out of the way with the Waffle House.

Try it with this number.

The place looking for drivers, truck drivers.

Oh, you know that stuff?

Fry.

Is that what?

What is this?

A truck driver job.

Oh, yeah.

Stop these because it's pretty late.

Thank you for calling.

For quality of service, this call may be recorded.

Sorry.

He's having a panic attack because he's sending me numbers.

I don't know why he goes through all the trouble.

The numbers never work.

Hello?

Stay for recruiting.

This is Colleen.

Hey, Colleen.

How you doing there, sweetheart?

calling about that trucking outfit job you got okay where are you calling from yeah well i'm

gonna be in in your area soon uh i wanted to get some breakfast though i wanted one of those things

that they they're they're like pancakes but they got squares in them you know i just gotta get some

of those before i come in what are those things called you know it's like a pancake it's another

other thing you eat for breakfast i'm not too sure oh it's like a bready thing it's got like squares

on it um i don't know like a honeycomb type pattern uh i'm not too sure are you looking

for a truck driving job or are you yeah yeah yeah but yeah i just it's i'm sorry this is just on my

mind because i wanted to stop at a restaurant and it's not the pancake house it's the other

breakfast thing. It's called the

something house. I'm on the road

so I'm just trying to get something in me.

You know?

Yeah, I don't know. But are you

looking for a job or what are you trying to do?

Well,

I'm looking just to call

you a cut nigger.

I sort of

got a her to say that.

That went well.

Wow.

How the fuck you don't know what a waffle is?

Oh my god.

Maybe she knew and she's just like

playing with it.

I ain't saying shit.

Alright, someone has a standard chinchilla

dough for sale.

A dough?

Isn't a dough a little deer?

Yeah, a female chinchilla.

A female deer?

Oh, because I guess it's not called like a bitch.

It's called a dough.

Yeah, a bitch chinchilla.

I wonder if it's

big enough to make a moth

out of a hand warmer oh yeah can i do it oh i hear the train hello hello hey i'm calling about

that chinchilla the dough you got for sale uh-huh how big is it uh she she weighs eight and a half

pounds oh eight and a half that's good because i'm looking to make a little gift for my girl

and she's kind of a big girl so she's got kind of big we call them ham hock hands big hammy

hands but i wanted to make a little fur chinchilla hand warmer for her so i just wanted to buy that

thing hollow it out my girl can put her big old hammy mitts in there and keep herself warm

and that shit is soft right chinchilla fur uh yeah it's it's real soft it's like um she's like

a goatee color i don't know if you're familiar with it but the it changes different colors as

It goes up the hair strand.

Okay.

Well, I was thinking about, I was going to hollow the thing out,

and I was going to have the fur on the inside to keep her hands warm, you know?

Yeah.

She could put them in like, you know, like I think they used to call it like a muff or something.

You know, to keep my girl when she's riding around,

because she rides around in that rascal scooter, and she gets cold, you know?

It is wintertime, but God bless, it's spring's on the way.

Hey, say how much you want for this critter?

Uh, whereabouts are you located?

Uh, why don't you answer my question first?

How much you want for this critter?

Am I speaking fucking Greek here?

You got shit in your ears?

How much for the animal?

Stupid.

Hello?

She was fixing to come get you.

Put her back.

Oh, did somebody else want to try?

You want me to be a different person?

Yeah, you can do it.

Ask about her, Moff.

You have reached April and Jason Ross.

I guess not.

Okay, all right.

Sorry, man.

No problem.

It was fun.

55-gallon barrels with lids and rings.

Oh, God.

Hey, we got some people sites to get rid of.

I got me some acid over here.

I've got some foster kids

that have acted really squirrely

and I just want to put them in a barrel

and put them on like, you know.

Seems like a good idea.

I still keep getting the checks.

That's the beautiful thing about these foster kids.

The money keeps coming in.

Just keep pouring on.

You gotta ask them if it's tried out.

You know, if a person can fit in there.

This is do a lot of do a barrel roll.

Yeah, you have those.

You have 55-gallon barrels?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Matt's looking for some of them.

Matt.

Yeah, hey, how many you got?

55, 56.

There's a plastic barrel.

Okay, plastic barrel.

But it's got a lid that goes on, like, tight, like, secure, right?

It's got a lid and the ringer that you find.

Oh, the ringer that you can, yeah, because that's what I'm going to need.

Because I got four foster kids, and they are just a real pain,

and I'm looking to get rid of them.

but if if i get rid of them i'm still gonna get that money but i gotta make sure they ain't

stinking up the house so i want to put them in the barrels you know yeah yeah put that ringer

on there i was thinking like if you could put weights in there you think and fill it with water

like you think they'll sink as long as you get all the air out the barrel no they probably wouldn't

oh man all right but i mean i can just once you seal them up it's uh you know i watched this uh

australian movie about them putting putting this is one weird pedophile guy killing them and putting

them in a barrel and just sealing it up and i was thinking i could just go with something like that

and like after a couple months if somebody opens the damn thing up it's just gonna look like soup

anyway right yeah you know so how much for four of them barrels there sweetheart where you locate

that i didn't why why is everybody want to know where i'm at i'm on the road i'm making moves

i just want to come by and pick up them barrels how much well i want to know where you look at

where you live at i mean i don't have any idea you know you know that's a lot of you got a lot

You sound like one of those damn agents that came asking about those first kids that won the show.

Yeah, hello?

Oh, I don't have to ask her.

I'll try her back.

Don't worry.

She was down with selling barrels.

Somebody wanted to kill children and put them in there.

Put them in there with the chemicals and melt them.

Freaking bad.

Yellow?

Yellow, are you selling those barrels?

Yeah.

How big are they?

there 55 gallons yeah you think you could crawl up in there and see if you fit in there yeah you

fit in well all you want to put in no no no i want you to crawl in there see if you fit look look we

want four we got four foster kids we need to deal with so we want four barrels and that goddamn

broad was all about where you at like she's gonna call the authorities we just want to buy the

barrels let's just say we uh live over for now we live over yonder as legend would say we got

cash money how much how much per barrel damn i wonder if this conversation is going to be going

on for like weeks i know there were some murderous people that were calling about the barrels

get these barrels out of here honey you should call back carlito and say you want to put drugs

or something in them yeah well give me all right listen here's my plan here's what i'm thinking

all right so instead of cutting off the show now if i could take a 10 minute break i can set some

stuff up and stay on for like another hour hour and a half maybe all right so you if you two can

stand by i'll i'll mute you two right now just uh just ring me back okay i'll do that even all

right cool you got we'll do that all right so in a moment i'm going to call dark stranger and

maddie back i'm gonna take a break though first so that i can go ahead and take care of setting

dinner up properly gotta do some prep work i'll come back and i'll be on until like 6 p.m eastern

i can promise you guys that okay okay so yeah yeah yeah i'll be right back

radio will be back right after this you know what i hope that when you die they put your gps in your

a box and a trap door at the bottom so when you die you open up trap door at the bottom

you check the gps and you go straight down to the hell bad house radio is back you are bigger than

a woman you are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a woman we'll always be

behind ever make you who you are escape one man facing infinity in a sea of desolate battle was

I am back.

Hello, Dark Stranger.

Yep.

Oh, my God, you're here.

Thank God.

Thank the God.

Matt's buttons are still connecting.

Yeah.

Maybe he's getting beer.

Let's touch his buttons some more.

Yeah.

Squeak his nips.

Yeah.

Pinch him.

Shave his nipples off, too.

Yeah.

Look, we're going to do more prank calls.

We're going to get right to it while we have time.

Six mobile home windows with screens and storm windows available for sale.

Woo, mobile home windows.

What happened to the rest of the mobile home?

Dwight McClanahan ate it.

He put mustard on it and ate it.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You got mobile home windows for sale?

I do have, sir.

Yeah?

Yes, sir.

How clean are they?

Do they have any shit stains or piss stains on them?

Oh, no.

Gosh, no.

No, we just took them out of my mother's mobile home three weeks ago, Mom.

Three weeks ago.

Yeah, did she?

Three weeks ago, and she kept them clean, brother.

Did anyone ejaculate on them looking at her from outside?

Hello?

Yeah, what did she say?

I said, are you serious about the windows?

Yeah, yeah, did anyone, like, you know, like, come on them from outside looking at her from outside?

Like, you know, voyeurs masturbating looking at her?

Your mother?

No.

No, sir.

What are you talking about anyway?

Well, because I bought some, I got some mobile home windows.

The last ones here that I got that I have to take out.

I guess I found out later they came from a nursing home.

And what will happen is the men would go around and they would look into the windows while the women were sleeping.

And they would masturbate and ejaculate on the windows.

And it left like these hard stains.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I don't want, is any of the windows that, you know, men use to ejaculate on when they look at women, like your mother, sleeping and showering and stuff, naked.

No, no. That's...

I know it is. That's why I don't want those, you know?

No.

Yeah. Well, good. That's good. That's good. That's good. So why'd you take them out of the mobile home? What happened?

We put brand new windows from our house windows in the mobile home.

So what's wrong with these? Are they not as good?

Well, it's a lower quality in the mobile home than it is with a house window.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

And the house window ones, they don't tend to have as much problem with the ejaculation semen on it.

It comes off easier because it's better quality.

That's what it sounds like.

Maddie is coming right now.

It says, check your skulls.

We got a dog, a Spitz.

I don't know what kind of dog that is, but it's free.

anyone? Matt? Stranger?

sure yeah yeah

Matt wins

ask if it's part like alpaca or llama

llama spit

it's part llama

I spit on your dog

I'm looking at an angry

fucking hilarious

screaming at somebody on the phone

angry?

screaming at someone yeah

he's in tiny chat like having an angry phone conversation

oh shit

in Cactus 6 right?

Yeah, like

I've never seen him look anything

But like that heroin knotted out face

It's kind of a big deal

He's some passion in that nigga's face

Real life

Real life happening right now

Real life, yo

Oh yeah, he's pissed

Let him go

What's up, DS?

You look like your little red riding hood or something

That sweater

That outfit

I'm the wolf

All right.

So here we have the only ad that was posted on Tuesday on this site,

which was for a three-bedroom home.

Looking for a three-bedroom home.

Yes, they are looking for a home.

How about we get a six-bedroom home or something,

but they're going to share it with us?

Yeah, they can afford $300 rent for a three-bedroom home.

What?

Where?

$600 for three bedrooms.

Wow.

$300 they want to pay.

Oh, $300 for a three-bedroom.

$100 a bedroom.

I'll rate for like $305.

Or just a little bit more and they have to pay it.

$330.

Yeah, $305 is not enough.

$30 extra bucks is just enough to make it a pain in the ass.

Just enough to be annoying.

You want to talk to my good friend Spaghetti?

The good Spaghetti guy?

yeah i got time for you fuckers i'm working let me see if it looks it doesn't let me add

i can't call oh numbers yeah i'm sorry i'm a fail oh no no that's weird oh i like like smooth jazz

like jazzy jazz all right for sale pull behind finish mower pull behind finish more never heard

Let's go on a tractor.

I think, yeah, it's one that, like, a tractor pulls it behind, you know?

Yeah, well, that's ridiculous.

Oh, my God, real life is kind of like robots.

We are the robots.

Dad and Kelly, reject your mom.

No, it's reject your dad.

His nickname is Whitey.

I'm your dad, Whitey.

Hello?

Hello.

You got a pull tractor, pull finish mower for sale?

Yeah, I got pull finish mower.

Yeah.

All right.

And you pull that motherfucker?

How do you pull it?

You put it on a horse?

Well, I got a mule right now.

Yeah?

What's wrong?

But I'll sell both of them.

You'll sell the mule too?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

All right.

That sounds good.

What's the mule?

How many hands is the mule?

It's one that you ride.

It ain't the one that you ride.

It's got a motor on it.

Yeah, but I'm looking for a nice mule to ride.

I want to ride the mule.

You know, ride it around, pet the mule, feed it, fuck it in the ass.

How much does that mule eat?

Fuck it in the ass.

No, I don't have that.

Do you have any animals we can fuck in the ass?

No, I don't.

What about you?

Which ass is more attractive, you or the donkey?

The mule.

Oh, yeah, a mule is an ass and a horse, isn't it?

It's a Jesus horse.

I don't throw flowers at it or some shit.

Palms, palms.

Palms, sorry.

Sorry, other than that.

Wiccan, that's because you're a wiccan.

Former Christian.

Yeah, hi.

Don't be like that.

Come on.

Let me buy the mower.

I am being like that because I don't want to hear that language.

I'm sorry.

I won't do it again, okay?

All right.

So how much for the mule and the mower?

I won't ask.

How much do we ask for the mower?

$450.

Yeah, $450.

And then the mule, I'll take $1,500 for it.

All right.

So then how about we do $1,600 all even, square,

and I'll spit in my hand and shake your hand.

I'll take 17 for both of them.

16.50.

And I'll fuck your wife.

I told you I don't want to hear that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

But you said 17?

Yeah.

How about if I fuck your wife?

Is that acceptable?

Do what?

Now.

Is your wife...

What if a female fucks your wife in front of you?

Is that acceptable?

I'm sorry.

I don't want to talk no more, okay?

Sir.

Dark Strangers is sir.

Yes, sir.

that was interesting okay i don't know there were electric mule machines out there

how you know back to them i knew that he thought about when i was gonna say mule i was gonna be

like hey you want a mule i was thinking like animal mule or an ox but then i thought like

those like the like some like real husky like four-wheeled uh you know like like you know the

The motorcycle things, the rough riders do, like, the real, like, worky ones, they call mules.

I don't know.

That's what they call them.

The quad, the quad, the quad thing, quad things.

Quad track?

You could call that back and see if it could be a drug mule.

A drug mule.

Yeah, we're calling about that drug mule.

That mule.

All right, here's a Chevy S10 for sale.

Anyone want a Chevy S10?

Anybody.

Whoever answers.

Hi, you've reached Dodie and Bobby Bray.

We're unable to...

I've got to answer that phone.

Call him again.

Hi, you've reached...

Nope.

Portable lift bucket.

What's that?

I don't know.

A lift bucket, like a cherry picker kind of thing, maybe?

Yeah.

Is it connected to a truck?

I guess, yeah.

This is portable.

How would that not be portable?

What would you have a fix for?

It's like a telephone pole.

We're going to put this

in a bucket right here and never move it again.

Yeah, it's like a telescoping lift

thing. Oh, weird.

They're like little mini ones.

Oh, like just

it just has

four wheels on the bottom

and it just goes up.

Like a scissor lift.

Yeah, like a bigger version of a dolly.

Yeah.

Maybe for washing windows and doors and shit like that.

I know what they are.

My dad uses them for putting pictures up.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Four, two, three, seven.

I am going to piss.

Pizza man.

Hey, that's a fucking Swedish cat, ain't it?

Oh, you made him smile.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Well, no bucket.

Two Morky Poos for sale.

So I know the poo is a poodle.

What's a Morky?

Yorky and something else?

unless she had a typo

and made Yorkie poo.

They're all mutt.

And I love mutt.

It's mutt plus Yorkie

plus poodle.

Morkie poo.

I'm guessing.

I don't know.

We'll find out.

People want to make money.

Yeah, pretty much.

Just making scientific

experiments at home.

These poor aminals.

Calling about your mongrel.

It's probably mongrel.

More mongrel poo.

Your call has been forwarded.

I'll try again.

Weeping Angel has his minicam icon on

You can take that off buddy

That's the new

The minicam new badge

Hello

Yeah hi I see you got some Morky Poos

Yes I do

So what is that

A Yorkie, a Poodle and a what for the M

Morky the daddy is

Sorry the daddy is a Morky

He's Maltese and Yorkie mix

And then the mama is

A Yorkie Poo

which is a yorkie and poodle mix so she is white with apricot and then he is like a blonde with a

brown coat under it okay so basically you're saying they're pieces of shit right well no

they're not well they're all fucked up genetically right no they're not if you're not interested

then don't call no i am i just want to make sure can i do a blood draw on both of them

to check them, their genes

and their DNA and all that?

No, I'm sorry, you can't.

But that's a condition for me to be able to get them.

And any reputable place you're going to sell them at,

you're going to have to do that.

You're not going to do

blood work on puppies.

What about a fecal exam?

I know.

Have they had their fecals done yet

by the doctor?

Yes, they have. They've been to the vet

and they've been checked out.

Can I see the results of that?

Hello?

blood draws

fecal exams

so they're mixed breeds

Jesus people are

she's all proud of it too

oh yeah they're mixed

they're mods

you should love whatever animal you have

I got the mamba

poos

10 different animals in pool

to bang also looking yeah also looking for bushel baskets or any size baskets cool dark stranger

maybe you have some fancy baskets i don't know from the wicker world it's not even funny

pay the price.

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, boy, how you doing?

I see you're looking for a tiller and some wicker baskets, some baskets.

Yeah.

Yeah, what are you looking to get into for the tiller?

What do you need?

I just need the frame.

I've got a good engine.

All right, I'm going to steal this one that I'm looking at right now.

I got some peach.

Do you want some peach baskets, too?

Yeah, bushel baskets.

All right, I can steal, like, 20 of them for you from my job.

No, no thanks.

But come on, man, it's going to be real on the low, low.

Come on, I won't tell anybody.

You don't tell anybody

I won't tell anybody

No

Come on

I appreciate it though

I'll suck your dick

I appreciate it

I'll suck your dick

He's good

Yeah you just have to

Provide the truck man

And the dick

I need some breath men

Speaking of which

I'll be right back

I'll seriously be right back

Carlitos breath

Smells like ass

Ass ass ass ass ass

He doesn't want you to know

He turned up the music

Fuck that fake time

Fuck you and your fake time

Shit

Hey Matt

Yeah

I like to do it like this, but

Hey everybody, listen

Do you want to hear some annoying sounds?

I don't see hooligans on the air

Jesus Christ, shut up

I can hear you from all over

You're like me with this

I could hear you from the other side of the house with my headphones plugged in.

That was crazy.

My chicken's not ready to go in the oven.

It needs to defrost a little longer.

So we almost wait.

It's good to just keep it in the package it came in.

Or put it in a plastic bag and just run water over it in the sink.

It'll help it defrost.

I do that sometimes, but today I'm using the microwave defrosting setting.

You get that radiation in you

I don't know

It's good for you

I'm a microwave truther

Yo

The microwave truther

The radiation

Microwaves and radio waves

Aren't the same

That sounds like

That sounds like pseudoscience

There

I want the reverse

microwave to be invented, that's what I really want

like to drink beer and get it from the store

instantly cool some

yes

that's what we need

a flash

refrigeration, flash

you know

yeah, I've just become

like now if I just

if there's only warm beer around

I don't care, I'll just fucking drink it

I don't give a shit

i'm drinking warm beer if i did my car and be like ah fuck it yeah like it like in amsterdam

like we didn't have a fridge in the room so like the beer just get warm just wake up and

drink a warm heineken like fuck it whatever heineken's gonna be tough warm though i don't

know you don't remember i don't remember yeah when you're a little highed up when you stay

Stay drunk and high.

It all just blends together.

So is it real that that's all disappearing from Amsterdam soon?

Like all the smoking?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

It seems like it's way too much money, you know?

But it was easy for you to get it?

Like what was the experience like?

You just went to a cafe?

Oh, I didn't.

I said that.

Oh.

Yeah.

He just went.

Yeah.

There's no.

Him and Ida went.

Yeah.

Yeah, just go in the store, like, give me some of this.

Cool.

They used to be amazing to Americans until the Denver thing, until Colorado.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to leave a lot of money in tourism.

You see all these chocolate bars I got currently?

Uh-uh, no.

Look at all this.

Are you watching the tiny chat?

I see now, yes, okay.

What are the strength of them?

These are just 60s.

60 milligrams?

Yeah.

but they're good

can they do the job for you

you have to eat the whole thing

oh dude no I take little

little bites

that's cool

yeah I ain't looking

cause you know this gets in your head

if you ever fuck with it too much

like I take a little

bite oh look you can get a leaf on it

that's cool

especially her being a fat girl

I just wanna eat the whole truck

oh dude yeah

Yeah, like, even when I had some, when I first got them from, like, you know, like a month or two back,

like, I just kind of gobbled down, like, a good chunk, and then I was, like, having, like, full, like, freak out.

Like, fucking everybody hates me, and the whole world sucks, and everything's fucking terrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so you use the vaporizer thing, and it uses actual weed.

Oh, yeah, I got that, too, yeah.

You don't need juice, you just use weed in there.

yeah i got the dryer here i have one too but it's over there

no smell with this ds is that how it works is there no smell yeah it doesn't smell too much

i kind of realize though i think when you smoke so much you don't realize there's much

there's a smell but i i think there is it's a part of it like you know what i mean in the

a vaporizer, but when I, like, vape

with it, like, this is it.

I've been doing this all night,

so it's probably pretty

expensive. The other day when I

walked in my house, I was kind of like,

shit, man, it smells.

Oh, yeah.

Nice. Alright, let's do more prank

calls. We're wasting time here. Precious,

valuable time.

I'm done with those.

Did anyone send me numbers?

I don't think so. Did you call

Nunu's numbers? Oh, I did. You're right.

See Mr. New, I'm thinking about you

So he's got the number for a telemarketer

Well, Neon already called us last night

And the lady hung up

What the hell, New New

But I'll do it again

There's also a number for a politician in Rotterdam, UK

Who covers up child rape

Apparently his name is Jahangir Akhtar

Wow, what a name

Interesting

This is one of the members of the House of Lords.

I don't know.

Whatever, I don't even know what the House of Lords is.

The House of Lords!

Whose house?

Lord's house.

Whose house?

Call and sing that chick song.

Lord.

Ya, ya, ya, ya.

I only kind of know that broad from the self-made thing.

That's what I was saying, just sing ya, ya, ya.

Hello, Mr. Ektar?

Yo, Zane.

Hey, my name is Cross.

Ross, I'm looking for Jahangir

Akhtar, the politician who covers

up the child raping.

Oh, fuck off, you. No, you fuck

off, sir.

Head all over. I'm sure that was

a great prank call for the British, but I have

no idea who that guy is or what's going on.

Sounds great, though.

Oh, fuck off.

Right.

Cunt. Fuck off.

Inside British

stroke.

They're all like, eh.

welcome to orange answer phone i'm sorry but the person you've called

answer phone you've reached the answer phone the phone that answers itself

okay let's call fedex kinkos now known as fedex office

Kink X, that would be funny

I'm just digging all this

Deltron shit

Thank you for calling FedEx Office

Office and Print Center

Please choose from the following options

For our fax number, direction

Center hours or

Our web address to place an online

Order, please press 1

For last pickup time for

FedEx Express and FedEx Ground

Or to track the status

Press 2.

No.

Please press 9 to speak with a team member for questions.

A team member.

Thanks for choosing FedEx Office.

This is Julie.

How may I help you today?

Hey, stupid.

I'm calling because you people have the least helpful staff ever.

Three years of going there, and I've always dealt with the same people,

and they're always rude and slow and stupid.

Okay.

I've had a really bad, I've always had a bad experience at your FedEx location.

Okay, the one downtown?

town yeah the one downtown on robinson machine okay what happened this time um the woman came

up to me and she said oh hey you're looking good you're looking fine like that and she looked me

up and down with her eyes did this just happen it happened earlier today so then i i was gonna

fuck her and then at the last minute she said no because i didn't have a condom okay i think you

have the wrong number no this is the fedex on east robinson condoms are for squares you had that one

i'm blonde girl she we're gonna fuck she's like oh no no if you don't have a condom i said well

at least you could do is you know blow me and she said no that she didn't do that good day

yeah that's bullshit she was threatened by your uncircumcised foreign penis

she could blow me i've used that line on a woman before at least you can do it

Someday I get brave

Oh shit

You might

Just look at you like what the fuck

What happened

Is that a real FedEx you go to

No I mean that's in Florida

Maybe you really had a history

No no

Consolation blowjob please

This is the one across the street

From where I used to work in Florida

I've been there before

but nothing like

blowing down on it

um

let's look for a limo

yeah you don't get

the full fuck

so it's a consolation prize

blowjob

that is rude

to say to a woman though

hello and thank you

for calling Mr. Limo

in Orlando

yay

we appreciate your call

Mr. Limo

all of our representatives

are currently

Mr. Limo

my name

after the tone

please leave your name

and

Mr. Limo

a woman answered

what's the name

that name again

It's Mr. Libo.

Yeah, she didn't sound like a mister.

Not at all.

There's the courthouse.

I don't want to call there.

Got a bunch of bars, pita pit, on the rocks.

Jesus Christ.

I miss living in a city that actually had shit to do and things around.

There's all kinds of shit to do in my town.

I could care less.

You don't know what you're going to get until you lose it, man.

Yeah, but I mean, really, I just don't give a fuck, man.

We should trade.

Put up a parking lot.

We should trade, because I love the explosion with their murder rates.

Yeah, you come to Chirac, you get smoked, nigga.

Yeah, hey, calling from the corporate office.

I need to do a customer survey.

Is there a customer you can put on the line?

They'll get a $300 gift certificate.

You're really up to it.

$300 gift certificate.

Taking it.

What is this place?

7-Eleven.

Oh, my God.

Usually it's a free fucking soda.

$300. How'd you guys get

the shit on the side now instead of underneath

the... Is that me?

Or you guys?

The chat. They just

changed the shit.

It's whack like that. Yeah, I know.

Bah. Whatever.

The thing that's crazy is like Facebook

messages. They hung up!

God fucking damn it!

Facebook messages come in there too.

Let's just pretend the funky

beats are in there.

uh office team office team i'm sure they're closed the colombian consulate why not

i want you to say there's a story just called office chain office team

oh this chain this shit is off this chain

Office is a chain, yo.

Office is a chain.

Bienvenido al Consulado General de Colombia en Orlando.

Si desea solicitar una cita y conocer los requisitos de su trámite,

visite nuestra página web, orlando.consulado.gov.co.

Una vez más, orlando.consulado.g.

Oh, shut up, we do .coms.

.coms.

That's how you say it in Spanish.

H-T-T-P, colon, backslash, backslash, W-W-W dot.

W-W-W dot.

How many W's?

I love it when people say, is that all together?

Like, no.

When in the world has it not been all together?

whenever has there been a web address that's never been all no no there's spaces in that

god i hate it when people all together yes all together you should tell them there are spaces

because it would still work right i don't know i yeah i think most browsers are getting pretty

dummy proof like as long as the name's kind of in there it finds it well no one even puts

addresses anymore everyone just google searches it in their search bar like yeah i can't find it

hey did you see that thing that that microsoft is killing in an explorer what they're killing it

they're like it's they're not gonna put internet explorer and shit no more what will all the dumb

people do they're no they're admitting it well they're blue e oh no what would i do without my

e it's funny hearing people say they want e this is what i say i you know i go on the internet on

on my blue e i need my blue e like they're drugs i like remember that old i've never an old moby

song that was like next to z i'm not a moby fan i'm an eminem fan sorry you can't be both you

can't be both you can't yeah i i'd like them all i've only ever seen moby a concert about them

oh really yeah i remember one time like fucking i'm just kidding though i don't have i don't have

so much acid and i was seeing moby in a little place and there was like shit where he's just

of it like turntable things with like smoke and strobe lights going behind him and i'm like i was

sitting there thinking it looks like like souls are coming out of there it's fucking wild i don't

have any problem moby it's not a particular fan of his i was just yeah yeah still fucking rat

Crapbeefs and musicbeefs, we care.

Casa de Mexico in the Orlando City Hall.

Uh-oh.

My dad used to work here at the City Hall.

He was a security guard.

Huh.

Interesting.

People are typing a lot.

Lots of protests and stuff like that.

Holy shit, that is a lot of typing.

Greetings from Casa de Mexico.

Thank you for calling.

Please leave a message.

Fuck Mexico.

Wait.

That's what I'm talking about.

Fuck Mexicans.

I like how it's okay to be racist against other people.

it's like no you can't do that on this show you talk shit about me oh you can't talk shit about

black people not that word no not that word oh is that for true rule what in pcn yeah it was being

abused a lot so kind of yeah but you're matt we know you say it's okay you get it the rules are

for squares yo

I know that's your mantra

we have sponsors

how is he getting abused

like we're just cats going crazy

yeah it comes and goes

crime hour

I'll come out and say let's try not to use it anymore

and everyone does and after about 3 or 4 months

everyone starts dropping and dropping

more and more and more

I think there's a point

where it's not immersed anymore

like if you say fuck fuck fuck

all the time

like can't have a curse show i just i just know every now and again it'll get a cat mad as fuck

like just calling cats hillbillies or you know no like if you use something i'm guilty of it

too look i do it all the time but i try not i'm gonna try not to rely on it that's the problem

there's a clever yeah a clever way it's uh and a lot of the time like i know the shit it's

it's like an easy go-to

I can make the chat room happy

I can just

scream nigger nigger nigger

and people will think it's funny

but when your show

or like your jokes are just all

the same thing

when you sound like a racist stand-up comedian

yeah

the Klansman comic

everybody

you know what I hate about niggers

I've never heard like a straight up racist stand-up

I guess I listen

There is, because I've seen Christian stand-up comedians that, like, just, you know, joke about Christian lifestyle stuff.

I wonder if it was, like, a Klan-related one.

He just comes out to Klan me and he's like, hey, how you doing there?

What's up?

It's so funny that it's awful because it's awful.

Have you heard about this Obama?

Not my president, right, guys?

Right, right, right.

Let's go lynch people.

and another problem these goddamn chinamen these mexicans taking their jobs

that's all the joke that's it right there mexican taking her job

yeah tell him yeah he's got comedy racist comedy albums and are far more rally than uh

than any comedy.

The Amazing Racist?

I'm sure you've seen it.

The Amazing Racist was shit

when he fucking picked up those guys

and took them to the immigration office.

What?

Everybody needs to watch that shit.

The Amazing Racist?

You know, like, when Ari Shaffir,

he used to do a thing called The Amazing Racist

where he would just, like, race bait

and just do funny shit, you know?

Okay.

And it's, like, becoming, like, kind of a big deal now.

He's got that

this is not happening on Comedy Central.

Ari Shaffir's a funny guy.

I didn't know he was doing this.

He used to do an old thing called

The Amazing Racist.

One time he goes to a Home Depot,

gets a bunch of Mexican cats

in the back of the truck, has a good time

riding over speed bumps

and shit.

They're all like, hey, what's up, bro?

Then he just drives to the fucking

ISS office.

The quality is terrible

He just drops him off

In the office

That's awesome

Can you play

Fucking

I have it

Yeah I just played it

Play the YouTube and I'll let it go out over the air

Yeah

No you want me to actually play it

Yeah play it I'll watch it

I'm burning time

Everyone else is like fuck it do pranks

my son oh i hate that i hate that just makes me not want to do anything whenever anybody says that

i'm like fucking and then i start getting on my like tangent like do your own fucking show

tell me how to do mine fuck you're fucking no talent shy dick weirdo sitting there typing

oh you're bitching about all over there looking for work they're all over there looking for work

because none of them here like legally what we're gonna do is we're gonna go over there

and with him a little bit okay just look at him over there just standing there like animals

oh let me work let me work we kill like a crocodile hunter hopefully one of them will speak

english otherwise i don't know how to communicate with them it's gonna be fun hey how you guys doing

yes we are how much i am um uh about 60 bucks for the day okay is that good i need you guys to

to build it yeah okay good job I need to help to build a deck that works I'll

take all I'll take all you guys yeah just hop in just hop in and this is real

there's a real yeah those people don't know he's like at a Home Depot and he's

piling the mexicans how many's he got now we have five we're gonna go speed bump

he's got like good nine hold on beaners sorry about that i didn't see it i didn't see the bump

they're driving over speed bumps now they're in the back of his truck the great thing about

beaners is they are always willing to work always that's what they're good at they're

good at working and having babies they think they're coming over to my house to fix my dick

what they don't know is that we're not going to my house we're going somewhere else i'm not

gonna ruin the surprise but we'll be there in a minute

okay yeah i don't know what the fuck you just said

something like that i don't know it's gonna we're almost there you get ready for this

L.A. County Immigration Office

was just pulled into.

And they are running out of the truck.

Hi there, it's the Migra!

There's six of them right here!

That's fucked up.

That is fucked up.

They're running all over the place, these Mexicans.

Because they took them to the immigration office.

That is hilarious.

That's so much fun.

that's messed up

that's just people's lives man

I know

oh yeah

he also goes to the hood

and dresses up

in a KKK suit

oh nice

and he tries to get it

washed at the

laundromat

he looks so Jewish though

I can't imagine him

with a beaner

you had a good time there huh

oh he's upset

Mexico's swinging at him

alright

see you in the podcast

see you in the show

All right, shut it down, shut it down, shut it down.

Shut up.

Thank you, thank you.

The Amazing Racist was very funny, a little bit he was doing for us.

I'm going to have to watch those now today.

Yeah, yeah.

He's funny as shit.

Watch all those.

No deal, thanks for sharing that.

Got them bookmarked right now.

Okay, let's see if we can get some more numbers to hit.

Palmer Feed Store, all right.

I wonder if they're open.

No, they're closed.

They're closed at 5.

Fuck.

Hey, if we can play one more thing in there before the show's over.

Yeah, sure.

I want to play that Fugazi old dirty bastard choir thing.

Yeah.

So just tell me when.

We'll have it play us out.

Barbecue, anybody?

Barbecue?

Matt, you want barbecue?

Yeah, sure.

Get some of that sauce.

I like barbecue.

I haven't had good barbecue in a minute.

Oh, me neither.

I'll tell you, growing up in fucking Texas, barbecue brisket.

A lot of meat, period.

Yeah, I miss like a chicken fried steak and barbecue brisket.

I had a good either of those in a minute.

Oh, well.

Calling about that barbecue.

That meat.

Mate, I love this town.

This town loves fried meat.

Remember the chef in Chainsaw 2 bitching about that when he was making chili out of people?

oh you you probably never seen chainsaw massacre 2 have you no no it's an amazing movie i'd love

to sit and watch it with you sometime i gotta get a good list of starter horror movies to watch for

me to get started you know to get into the genre yeah i think you'd be my go-to guy to maybe give

me like five or ten titles and i'll you know get them and watch them for follow-up chainsaw 2 is

awesome all right all right here in the middle of the ghetto in orlando here's gary's soul food

which is supposed to be open until 8

soul food time

Gary's soul

I don't know what to say

I'll let it go Gary

me

me, me, me.

You know, Gary the snail.

You still need to watch.

Oh, I was talking about cock talking.

Me, me, me.

Yeah, that's what Gary does, too.

you you still need to watch august underground mortem sometime to see there's one part

guys holding his dick and he's like doing the me me me and i think he's all bruised he had been

like punched in the balls or something says i think well they're not answering there so i'm

calling churches chicken across the street good chicken churches let's ask them to go get some

barbecue for i never when i lived in texas they had churches i didn't care they used to have this

There's a place called Grandy's that I really like.

It was weird.

They had, like, you know, their theme was, like, grandma shit.

And they had, like, old ladies in the restaurants that come around and bring iced tea to you.

That Church's?

Yes.

What kind of shit you put in that shit over there?

Because it's good.

It's flame, yo.

It's the fucking shit, yo.

All right.

Put a white person on.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, what kind of shit you guys putting in that shit?

What?

You guys are putting some good shit in that, man.

Good shit in what?

In the chicken and shit.

Hey, you put some hair on in that batter or something,

because I can't get enough of it.

You put your pussy juice in it?

Oh, she hung up.

He thought it was funny, though.

He's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wicked women.

She knew what you were saying.

Period blood and stew.

Does that make the stew witch's brew?

I fear from the 85 that don't have a clue.

What's up?

That's more artsy sounding.

All right, well, new Texas fried chicken.

When I think Texas, I don't think fried chicken.

That's south, but not Texas.

Texas is beef.

Kentucky, Tennessee.

Well, obviously, new Texas is about to come.

Well, there's terrible.

Thank you for calling new Texas fried chicken and pizza.

Please press 1 for directions, 2 for hours, and 4 to place an order.

Hold a moment.

4.

Y'all got that beef?

Damn, they're open.

Until 3 in the morning.

Texas, can I help you?

Yeah, I want to make a order.

Hey, what are you doing with the chicken?

You got beef brisket.

This is Texas.

You got beef?

What, bro?

You got beef.

You got beef to eat.

This faggot chicken stuff.

And then Dago pizza stuff.

I want some prime Texas beef.

You want prime Texas beef?

Come on.

I got a cock meat sandwich for you.

You want it?

Oh, you're going to cut off your cock and let me eat it.

This sounds wonderful.

wonderful is right up my alley it's like the german guy that fucking cannibalizes the guy

he met on the internet right all right when you cut right up your alley i don't think you realize

your joke yeah i do thank you for calling the texas fried chicken and pizza please press one

four directions two four hours and four to place an order please hold a moment

Do you not know how to act around women?

Damn.

Yeah, you did get kind of...

Yeah, like...

Where it...

Like, Peter Brady singing that song about going through changes and shit.

Oh, shit.

That's a nice dated reference for all us old people.

I'm going to piss again.

All right, man.

You pee a lot.

You sure you're not diabetic over there?

Niko's back, asshole.

Stones or infection or some shit.

Sepsis.

We'll just make it worse as we go along.

This dick is about to fall off.

Prostate problems.

There's a lot of reasons to be sick.

I gotta put my chicken in the oven.

I'll be right back.

It's gonna be like a minute or two.

It's just like I'm eating a strawberry from like a specific time era.

Because they know all the microbes and they know that certain chemicals taste like mint and a little bit of, you know, like a dozen different smells.

So you would think after all this time, things would have changed.

And everything has changed.

With all this crazy technology, I can cook anything.

The customers only want to eat meat, salads, and pork buns.

And pork buns.

Meat and pork buns.

What a great combination.

Okay, I'm back.

Who's here?

Dark?

Hey, what up, Del?

What's up, sorry I had to take care of some chicken business over here.

You're like, I left it in the microwave defrosting too long and now it's actually cooked in there.

No, no, it stopped on its own.

I just had to put it in the oven now to cook.

I had to season it and throw them in there.

Mr. Man.

Is it like a big chicken or just pieces of chicken?

Just drumsticks.

Got a whole bunch of drumsticks.

I like those.

I just like to make drumsticks, a whole bunch of them.

like big ass wings

I'm the biggest man here today

according to that caller

sir, sir, I'm a sir

sir, sir

who do you want to call?

do you want to call? Scrap Metal is probably closed

we're going to have to stick to restaurants and stuff at this time

Brad Carter said

he sent you a list of bankers

okay, excellent, going into gmail now

thank you, Stark Stranger

our producer for today's show

and I got emails from

some serious hostgator, hostgator

Brad Carter sent these?

He sent them on

Brad Carter talked to us

through Skype or something.

I Skyped them to him.

God! Oh, I got him, I got him, I got him.

That's what he said.

Okay, let me copy him.

I'm on it.

Hurry up, Skype. God, it takes forever

to scroll sometimes.

I'm trying to copy-paste a lot.

that's what happens when they try to improve your skype experience we've improved your experience

yeah right thanks well at least i got it now so i don't have to worry about

anytime someone dials a number it kicks me off that was fucking nice for the longest

sloth out of what it was me on purpose i'm like dude no really i'm not it's not a joke it happens

i'm just trying to hang up on people i think it's clever

ever oh man um all right so we got bank numbers um they are at least a week old um here we go

willa deller why am i giving out the last name willa i'm sorry wants to talk to eric carter

excellent it's a good name eric carter

i think i call these though chance i call them

yeah here's deidre the one that i had the big announcement on the phone

i don't know if you heard with the timpani roll and the fanfare hi this is 847 7

let me call her hello yeah hi is this deidre yes all right i called you two weeks ago i believe to

give you a an approval on your loan i announced it to you do you remember that yeah uh did you

you receive the final paperwork i did not and you're calling from i'm calling from the bank

which bank united bank of america okay yeah different people keep calling me and i don't

know what's going on and it's getting what do you mean what do they keep calling saying well you

called or whoever was called on the sunday night was 11 o'clock at night calling me with that so

i thought that was weird that was me yeah okay wasn't real sure why we were doing that i thought

It was a hoax. I did say, call my, the person who was handling my loan and tell her about it. She

didn't know nothing about it. It's like different people keep calling me from different locations.

Somebody called me today and I called them back and they don't, they called me. I couldn't get

in touch with her again. So I don't know what's going on. Someone else called you today? Yeah.

Oh my God. So other people are calling you, not just me. These aren't just my

calls to do. Now the other people are calling, right? You're from Bank of America? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this isn't good.

This is not good.

If other people are calling you, you know that's not fair to you.

There should only be one person talking to you.

It was me, right?

Yeah, I have a loan officer that's been calling me, giving me updates.

Well, your loan officer, Eric, he was fired a month ago,

and he kept a contact list of clients that keeps calling,

acting like he's working for the company, but he's not.

Eric Carter, right?

I don't know who it was.

Whoever I talked to first, I never talked to that person again.

Again, they passed it on to Mrs. George.

She's the one that's been in contact with me more than anyone.

And then somebody at the Wynwood office, bank office, calls me every couple of weeks and asks me about it.

And someone called me, like I said today, my 800 number.

All right.

Well, I was here eating your loan paperwork.

I'm eating it out of a bowl.

I boiled the papers in a big pot, and I'm eating it out of a bowl with ketchup.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Eating it.

There were numbers that, what the hell is Brad saying?

That were called before or something?

Yeah, a guy called Tuesday.

I want to say, I think I remember hearing you on that late night,

the loan called thing for some reason.

I've got it.

I can play it.

What was it called?

It's on my, hang on, what's it called?

Madhouse.

Approved.

That's what it was, right?

Yeah, I actually recall that.

This is Deidre.

Yeah?

Yes.

You were calling, you left a message here,

calling to check his status about two weeks ago uh-huh did you get your status letter yet no

would you like to know the status if you would like to tell me uh i could all right here we go

all right is this her again no it's someone else

yeah another loan calling you a she was calling you basically oh you have reached tammy with

You're just like Prince.

I got Karen Ballpony.

Get the drum machine.

Fuck the environment.

You know, if you really listen to songs, you pick up new lyrics and you're like, what?

Hello?

Say fuck the environment.

Hello, Karen.

Hi, Karen.

Karen Ballpony?

Oh, man.

Oh, my fuck the environment thing.

You have to tell us when to shut up.

Yeah, it's hard when you're not on Skype.

It's hard to tell.

I don't want to make you feel bad, though.

No, no, but I'm saying it's hard to tell.

Shut up.

Yes, hi.

Karen?

Ballpony?

Sharon.

Sharon, I'm sorry.

I'm calling you back regarding your loan.

Did you get a status on that yet?

What is your name?

I'm Cross.

I'm Mr. Cross from Bank of America Loan Department.

I'm not supposed to deal with anybody except the two people that I already have their names for, so thank you.

Well, I'm calling from the approval department.

Oh, man, the word's getting out.

Wow.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

I did what you said.

I said to shut up.

I've never talked to anybody.

But I wonder if that's just like bank dudes think.

like they're trying to like

squindle these people in the lanes

loans and like don't talk to anybody

else except for me

because I get a commission on this shit

you know

that's a scammer move in it's own right there man

you know yeah like don't talk

to anybody else

that's like you know real molestory

shit

if the police call don't tell them anything

call back and tell them that

it's just some dudes trying to get commission

yeah

all right here we go matt tell her tell her yeah yeah next we got new york international

bread company right i think of new york i think bread i think bread

hi this is sharon

sharon killing a sharon like sherry

I like I say your names wrong a lot especially being the way that I type them in as I save them

just don't pronounce vowels

well I guess like fucking bagel bread that's like kind of

New York International Bread.

If you know your party's extension,

please dial it now. For a dial

by name directory, press 9.

For the order department, press 1.

Accounting, Human Resources.

You have reached the order department.

Please leave a message.

It's getting late.

It's late. Yeah, yeah.

Especially on the East Coast.

Yeah. Motherfuckers are gone.

Even here.

You're not going to get people.

You got to do West Coast, I would say.

yeah you're right we only got about 10 minutes up but here let me pull out of orlando pull out baby

and then we are going to go to portland oregon yeah yay oregon what a stupid place to live

or yeah yeah i know um regal cinema no ringside fish house

sure all right it sounds like a circus i want some ringworm please i was thinking a circus

Yes, like do they train their fish?

Yeah, they train their fish.

The fish they throw at the seals.

I had one Plecosimus fish that would swim upside down in the tank

and eat the goldfish food and I could scratch his tummy.

Aw.

Sandpaper.

Plecosimuses are weird.

Thank you for calling the Ringside Fish House.

This is Tara.

How may I help you?

Hi, Carla.

How are you?

Good, thanks.

How are you?

I'm not good.

Not good at all.

My ankle hurts.

My cholesterol came back.

My blood test result came back today.

Cholesterol was up, and my blood sugar was up, and my A1C was up.

Oh, I would say it was through the roof.

That's why you need to eat some of these trained fish.

Yeah, so that's my medical advisor there, Matt.

He's my caretaker, and he's saying I need to eat fish.

So we're going to have fish tonight, I guess.

And so were you calling to make a reservation?

I'm calling to make an order.

You want a place to go order?

Yes, yes.

How do you train the fish to be like in the ringside, like a circus?

You train them, correct?

These are trained fish.

They're not stupid fish, right?

Are you calling to make a to-go order for real?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to get, like, I figure if he eats smart fish,

it's going to help him a lot more than just regular fish.

So ringside, I figure you guys are in queue with circus.

circus you train the fish right even if i just say yeah i'm making a lot of money off this man

uh i can't offer you anything to go at this time because the kitchen is uh closed down before

dinner service you would be able to order something to go after five o'clock how about if we just make

a reservation for tonight you want to come in for dinner yeah we're gonna need we're gonna need a

booth for him because he has quite

a wide girth. He can't

sit in a small chair.

So he's going to need a booth

or something.

It needs to be the tables that can move

back and forth.

You need a table.

But a booth? But the table

in the booth needs to be the kind that you can move

back and forth. It's not stuck to the ground.

Yeah.

I can't offer you that, but we do have regular

tables. Can you...

Oh, shit. Fucking shit.

Can I use the screwdriver?

Alright, I'm going to hang up the phone now.

It's not okay for you to speak to me like that.

I would prefer that you went to a different restaurant.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't even notice I was saying that.

That's how bad I am now, man.

That's how fucking horrible it's gotten with these pricks.

I probably do the regular date calls to people.

Like, oh, fuck shit, man.

Fuck shit, fuck shit.

Get off my phone.

How can I get this lady off my phone?

getting uh blood work done uh tuesday oh good luck man yeah i got them numbers and then i got

dude this whole thing i'm trying to take this new medicine to help me walk better yeah and the co

pays two hundred dollars and so like the company like the company that makes it'll help me pay

but they got to get all this shit from my doctor and i've got to be like i've got to do a walk test

tests first, and blood tests

before they'll fucking pay for it.

And I have insurance.

And still the copay is $200.

There's one thing I gotta know when you get your

blood work. I need to know, like, how much

poodle-y part you are, and Yorkie.

So we need to know what breed to call you.

Okay. Yorkie

poo-moodle.

Alright, here's a place

called Tartberry. I'll call him Fartberry.

Yeah.

I like that. I like that.

That's good right there.

We just called back a few times to say fartberry.

Never see it coming.

Oh, you have to get your frap out.

Fartberry, this is Valerie.

May I help you?

Yes, this is fartberry.

Yes, it is.

I'd like to make an order.

What kind of an order?

One fart.

Oh, this is tartberry.

It's frozen yogurt.

Yeah, frozen yogurt.

Fart with an F.

Fartberry.

No, with a T.

Oh, these aren't the berries that we use to fart a lot.

I like the one that you sent me, Diaz, because I'm able to do that, like, slow fart.

Hey, this is Valerie.

Hi, fartberry?

No, this is tartberry.

I didn't know if your fartberries are made, like, with corn and bean farts or, like, post-Taco Bell, you know?

Or like somebody with too much beef in their diet.

I'm playing Skyrim, and I've been looking for tart berries.

Cheese.

Cabbage.

You think they get that fart berry thing a lot?

I think so, too.

Here's the goodwill.

Let's ask them why it smells like piss in there.

Because you know it does.

You know why it smells like piss.

Dude, I used to go to this one thrift store,

and they had this wall of used underwear.

underwear he's like in this wall right you know in this little fucking mexican buddy of mine

and he was like way smaller than me walking around looking at shit and i don't push him

against that wall he's a little weirdo he used to wear suits and shit in high school

little mexican cat suits and would never buy used underwear if i was poor i would go without

out before i put you so i go without underwear jesus i i think once you clean out my closet

there was one pair of underwear and i wouldn't say because you never know do you got to go to

the doctor or something like a drop trowel oh fuck this place i think they're closed

forgot goodwill's closed like around five and six so i can clean the piss off the wall yeah

i gotta hose down all the mattresses too i would never want to get used are the walls plastic like

It's like a cop car, you know, like rubber.

Just disinfect it.

I had this one idiot buddy named Dumb Mike that had this shitty old futon mattress

that him and his wife slipped out in this studio apartment.

It was filled with paint, and he tried to give it to the little suit guy,

like the guy that was all super clean.

I was like, really?

You're giving him this menstrual soap?

He might want a used futon mattress.

Is that the Olive Oils and Vinegars Incorporated?

Hello?

Hello, Niggers Incorporated.

Hello, Vanessa-ry?

Hola, Taco Bell.

Okay.

I'll try them again.

Picked up.

It's a business that just sells olive oil and balsamic vinegars.

That sounds like a fun job, man.

My God.

I'll bring the baguette.

Have you ever had really good balsamic vinegars?

Yeah, man.

man this is gourmet place in florida that's you can join their little club and they give you a

container for it and you fill it up for free yeah yeah man but yeah good balsamic vinegar i want to

get into making vinegar i heard all you need is cheap wine and and time and basically like

yeah but man you're not gonna do that come on it's really good yeah i know like yeah i just like

Because, you know, I got a welfare card, so every now and again I would get these fancy little bottles of balsamic.

It's like $20, $30 for this little thing.

Whatever.

The state's paying for it.

It's interesting to look into.

They pass on the barrels to their families, the places that make this balsamic vinegar.

It's big.

It's like wine.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's a whole art to it.

I had no idea until I read this book about it.

It's pretty cool.

Wow.

I read a book on salt.

I read a book on salt a few years ago.

It was really interesting.

Like all the wars that have been started over salt

and people that have died for salt.

It's the only rock we eat, et cetera, et cetera.

Interesting.

I'd be interested.

I get that smoked salt sometimes.

That's really good.

Sugar is the only item in the world that can provide calories to you,

but will never spoil.

Yeah, because I know honey doesn't spoil.

oil yeah yeah stop killing the bees people yeah man it's the goddamn it's the goddamn cell phones

and the wi-fi killing bees yo goddamn via kong here's the last call of the day which is south

park seafood yeah oh let's do it all together let's get in there get a little juice get some

balsamic vinegar juice i like the part of the show yeah we like to make an order to pick up

Yeah, one fish.

Two fish.

Red fish.

What fish are you talking about?

Red fish.

Blue fish.

Smelly con fish.

I think she's heard that one.

I'll call her back.

I imagine she hasn't.

I don't know.

I can't think of it.

We didn't get the Jew fish.

I'm sorry, Sloth.

Damn it.

That would have been good.

I didn't even try to make it rhyme.

That ain't going to answer.

All right, we're done.

We're out of here.

Last ring.

Hey.

Hello?

Is this a broad whose cunt smells like balsamic vinegar?

Hello?

Yeah, do you have any balsamic vinegar there on premises?

That we do, yes.

I'm allergic to it.

Okay.

So you're going to have to get it all off premises before we bring the man in.

No one can make direct eye contact with me or Mr. Hillock.

It sounds like you have some women working there, too.

Yeah, they're going to need to stay behind the scenes.

Yeah, because they can smell like balsamic vinegar, if you know what I mean.

Wink, wink.

Do you have a reservation?

We're making one, stupid.

I have reservations about how your women smell.

Okay.

Isn't that where those Indians live? Reservations?

My friend Cross here and Matt, they have to come and do an inspection.

I'd like to make an order for the seafood stew. No urine.

Yeah, there needs to be zero urine in that.

Can we talk to the chef, please, about our allergies?

Put Chef Excellence on the phone.

you know chef excellence from fucking actions videos nope no i'm not getting any of your

references i'm sorry that's that's that's swedish i know swedish chef all right find that offensive

pizza man i hope so sorry hey guys thanks for joining all right thank you hang up on me now

hey let me let me play this song oh yeah yeah yeah you ready uh yeah hang on hang on hang on

yeah you're gonna you're gonna fucking dig it watch the video oh wait i hang on yeah yeah yeah

i'm gonna play it in tiny chat it's hang on this one i'm i'm not prepared uh copy copy copy paste

hang on i'm getting there i'm getting there i found it last night it was fucking awesome

Awesome.

It was a shit.

No, there's...

The shit in the shit made an awesome song.

Okay, here.

Here you go.

Thanks everyone for tuning in.

Listen to this and we're out of here.

Bye.

Calls (52, 2 h 15 min of 3 h 32 min)

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