In What Machine You Are? 4/5/2015

Wait, what?

No, don't beat you, motherfucker.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where are you?

Fucking games, man.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid comments.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're my perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

The captain has asked me to brief you on the emergency action message we just received.

as you know before we got underway the russian army was in position encircling the rebel camps

and machenko started making extravagant threats should anyone move in on him that he would launch

his land-based nuclear weapons at the united states and at japan the only safeguard was that

the russian government control the launch codes intel now indicates that those launch codes have

been compromised and u.s military forces have been directed to set defcon 3 the last time we

hit this state of emergency was 32 and a half years ago during the cuban missile crisis but

This is what it's all about, gentlemen. It's what we train for, Captain.

The NCA has determined that should our satellites detect rebel missiles being fueled,

which means they could be launched in just over one hour, we'll be compelled to act.

Now, given our patrol sector here in the Emperor Seamounts,

it seems clear that our friends in the Pentagon are setting us up for a potential preemptive strike.

It's important to remain focused. Keep your men informed.

Any questions? Missed.

ladies and gentlemen this is event the evening

said he doesn't think he'll be able to join us tonight because he's going to be the church he's

working now he's going to be going to church and all this and that big dilemma i hit the wrong hot

keys on my computer accidentally yeah i showed my desktop to everybody and then i fucking fucked up

the chat well it's not even showing anyway yes video on youtube if you're watching tonight and

and you'd like to watch me do the show,

there's a live studio feed with no music.

That's over at youtube.com.

My channel there is Madhouse Radio.

You can also go to madhouselive.com.

Again, that's madhouselive.com.

Thank you.

I would appreciate it if you went there.

As a matter of fact.

And subscribe to the podcast.

Check out the...

Over at madhouselive.com.

Subscribe to the podcast.

Check out the pranks if you're new to this.

And share that, you know?

And also, join the chat room right now.

And that's over at prankcallnation.com.

Prankcallnation.com is this network where most of you are listening to me right now.

And over there you can check out a general podcast, which I'm in charge of updating.

And I've been busy.

I started working this week.

And I got really busy and I fell behind on it.

So I'm going to try to do that tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

It's behind like over a week now.

I let it get away from me.

I do the best I can, you know.

But I'm a busy person sometimes.

But don't worry because I'm going to be leaving work again.

I have surgery on Friday on my ankle, a third ankle surgery.

So a heads up is that I probably won't do a show next week.

I'm aiming to do a show on Wednesday afternoon for everybody here.

I may miss it like I did last week, but I'm aiming to do a Wednesday show in the afternoon.

And then, I don't know, as soon as I get back from my hospital stay.

say it's an ankle fusion it's my third ankle surgery so it's uh supposedly i'll be in a

plaster cast for two weeks but i should be able to come home after two or three days

i'm kind of happy about i mean it's it's gruesome if you look up the way they do it they're gonna

saw my uh they're gonna basically make one big uh i got milkman's calling milkman said he was

gonna be busy i'm gonna saw my legs in half and then tie them together basically hello what do

want hey yeah can you get on oh yeah how you doing everyone's milkman yeah

oh yeah full of rabbit cum hey what time are you going to be able to join after your church

machine oh man working right now that sucks well i'm sorry milkman

man oh how's work going today it sucks it does oh really no customers oh you should rev your

engine a lot maybe they'll come to you no yeah but you said that you you actually clean it yourself

and you keep the 250 that's a good idea uh that's actually a really brilliant idea indeed

fuck man anyway so what what how long do i got you for okay all right all right you didn't

uninterrupted no i'm just curious i'm just curious how long i have you for i'm gonna do a prank you're

not gonna be able to hear it but you're on the air okay that's the only problem

can i call you direct right back right back from my computer would that work

all right i'm gonna that's fine i'm gonna call you now hang on all right bye bye i'm gonna take

some working oh i can't because i don't have that oh there goes that fucking electric noise

I can't because I can't oh shit I can't I can't because that other account doesn't have any minutes

right now hang on I think I can work it out but I gotta do a prank call anyway this is a prank call

show anyway so like I was saying uh surgery on Friday so uh you know in the meantime I guess

RBCP being the vice president he will take the helm uh until such time as I'm no longer

incapacitated so I guess that would go into effect I would say we'll have him take effect

midnight eastern standard time on this thursday he will take effect of the helm on the network

and then uh until whatever time i'm available to take back over so i'm going to make sure that the

podcasts all the podcasts are caught up uh before friday and uh if i have an extended stay i'll get

my laptop as long as i'm not incapacitated i'll be able to update as much as possible

but there's gonna be another podcast outage is what i'm trying to say all right so yeah yeah so

yeah basically that's how it works you know line of succession for me and it goes to the speaker

of the house who is uh is sloth and then jayad is the president pro tempore he's the fourth in line

third in line in the line of succession uh of the prank call nation anyway let's get to the

prank call and i'm on tiny channel so if you want to join in there we're gonna call del taco god i

hate that buzz it's been happening a lot again lately i don't know why uh i do want to mention

that dashie uh has successfully uh re-enabled text alerts for his is there a show.com service

which alerts you when any of the prank call nation shows or any prank call show for that matter

on Mixler

from the various hostesses out there

whenever anyone is online

doing a live show.

It's istherashow.com.

He's re-enabled the ability

to get text alerts via that.

And you send your cell phone number

and you'll subscribe to it.

I think it's something like

and you can hit stop to unsubscribe.

I think that's how it works.

Okay.

Del Taco.

Yeah.

Uh, hey.

Do you...

Your gluten-free stuff

that you have there um yes yeah what what was that exactly our beans are gluten-free and our

beef are gluten-free and it's cooked here so well my uncle swears that he got something he said he

got a bean burrito is the the outside the shell is that gluten-free are you sure everything is

is it separated from everything yeah well he's not i mean he's having a really bad time right now

No. And is it possible

someone didn't wash their hands? Who constructed

the burritos today?

Cook? What's his name? Put that boy on the line.

What time did you come in?

It was after church.

After church. Yeah, those people

aren't here anymore. Yeah, well, let me talk to the

cook now, because I want to get the deal

about the whole procedures.

Getting the food. Everyone wears

gloves at all times. Yeah, but

you don't wash your hands every time

you go take a shit in the toilet, right?

Yes, everyone washes their hands.

Then I was there and I saw the guy, well, not wash his hands after he came out taking a shit in the toilet.

Everyone washes their hands.

Nuh-uh.

Not this black guy.

The black guy doesn't.

Please, the black guy, you're...

Yeah, you didn't.

You went to the toilet and you didn't come out and wash your hands.

I didn't see you.

I did.

You touched the doorknob on your way out.

All right.

Ooh.

Dashie says text alerts are for PCN only.

Excellent.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You will, uh, corrupt a Dashie to our liking.

Kidding, Dashie, and others.

You don't want to answer that.

Well, that was fun.

He is the black guy, everybody.

He is the black guy.

If I don't forget, maybe you guys can help remind me before I end the show tonight,

which will probably be around midnight or 11.30 p.m. Eastern.

Be sure to remind me that I have to choose a title for the show

and ask the chat room for help with that.

And that could be it.

We could use that right there, what I just said.

Whatever it was, I already forgot.

got we have numbers on skype from who i'm steven aspenwall in hawaii wow okay i'll get to those in

a second thank you there's a place called but i think they're closed yeah they're closed building

l no i don't want to call that look it on the map place to call the hive sushi lounge all right

you know what i want to call there was a sushi place that i called recently in california and

And someone in the chat room was giving me curse words in Japanese to say the guy understood it.

The fuck was that?

I don't know who it was that gave me the info or what it was that was said, but it was really funny.

Let's try to find that.

It was something about a shit stick, like teriyaki shit on a stick, I thought.

Hi, sushi.

Yeah, hi.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

One moment, please.

One sushi.

One second, please.

One sushi.

Hi, can I have your name?

Yeah, my name is Desu.

One more time?

Desu, D-E-S-U.

Okay, what else could I get?

I mean, what could I get you?

I need a kintama roll.

A cucumber roll?

K-I-N-T-A-M-A.

One moment, please.

And also, wait a minute.

I need a kuso, K-U-S-O, K-U-S-O, kuso roll.

We don't.

These aren't our rolls.

Do you have an actual Japanese guy there, or is it just like...

Because he'll know.

If you ask him, he'll know.

Could you ask him if he can make it for me?

I'll pay whatever.

Okay, give me one moment.

Did you get it?

Kuso roll?

One second, okay?

I can't hear you right now.

One second.

Fucking.

Moshimosh.

Moshimosh?

Hi.

Hi, yes, I want to...

Can I help you?

Yes, do you have Kintama Desu roll?

Kintama Desu?

Yeah.

No.

Okay, do you...

Oh, shit.

You don't have any...

Do you have Debusen?

I'm not sure what that is.

Kia...

Oh, jeez.

You don't have any Desu at all.

Desu soup?

Desu?

Yeah.

What's desu?

I don't know.

It's like a soup.

Are you sure it's not desu?

No.

What about kuso?

Kuso?

K-U-S-O roll?

Puso?

Kuso with a K.

Have you seen our menu?

Well, this is a special menu.

Listen, are you Japanese?

Why does that matter?

Who am I speaking to?

Because if you don't know the words, what I'm asking for, then you need to get a Japanese man on the phone.

We don't have anyone of Japanese descent working here.

So why are you coming on the line saying moosh moosh like that?

Why not?

I mean, excuse me, sir.

Do you speak the Japanese, motherfucker?

Because I'm Japanese.

Really?

You're going to come at me like that, right?

I am a Japanese, kuso.

Kuso maki.

Well, if you'd like to come in and check out our menu.

I'll check you out.

I want to check that nice little bubble butt you probably got.

That nice Asian little bubble butt.

Yeah.

I bet you got a nice little Asian bubble butt.

Nice little mop hair cut.

Whatever, man.

whatever fucker we have lonesome losers numbers from last week also i could get to oh yeah but i

think they were for shit for sale and they had been sold already speaking of which these are

just the numbers i gave to dwight which i don't believe he got to do not believe he got to these

hey i got big matt on the tiny chat matt on the tiny chat yeah he's got a graying beard i noticed

lately on his youtube and i see it right now if you're not there now you should be you can see

Matt's graying beard.

He looks very handsome.

He looks like fucking General Zod.

Prank Call Nation on Tiny Chat.

Is that a guy with a turban?

Is there a man with a turban?

I've seen it all.

All right.

So as I said, I don't think these numbers were called last night.

Someone's trying to trade a high point carbine with scope.

40 cal.

Forty Cal, man.

That sounds pretty big.

Pretty big bullet on that, right?

What do I do?

I don't know weapons.

I don't know shit.

I am a fucking liberal.

I shoot guns and I don't like anything.

Motherfucker.

The images I pull up for Forty Cals look like Glocks and shit.

That doesn't look that big.

I don't know shit.

No answer.

Let's look for those numbers from Steven Aspinwall.

I don't see any from Steven Aspinwall.

Yay

Okay, back to the map

Where I see a popular market

What do I think I've called that place before?

No hours posted

They probably are on open

7-Eleven, why not?

Corporate call

Hey, let's do some science

I'm not getting an answer

Across the street is OJ's Mini Mart

It sounds like a great place

But they're closed

They close at 7.

Maybe we know it's...

They don't have a phone number or anything.

Who cares?

Dry cleaners and laundry.

You think they're open?

Maybe.

Closed today.

Never mind.

I don't want to call a pizza place.

Don't want to call a cocktail lounge.

Can't call an ATM.

American Sheer Repair is going to be closed.

Here's a place called Pokes.

And they are open.

Pull up their menu.

Maybe I'll do a Yelp thing.

It's some kind of Spanish food.

Mexican.

I have no idea.

I think it's just a Mexican restaurant.

mexican restaurant and vegetarian cuisine let me look for reviews any negatives that is sorry

i'm just looking them up on yelp they got a 3.5 rating there has to be some negatives in here then

right here we go all right i found a negative review i'll read it out to them act like it's

me we'll have a laugh and go where's bass come on check my id you know a lot of these places

might just be closed for easter nope they're closed since i'm having kind of a laid-back

mood tonight's show i will open up the lines for anyone who wants to join number one is matt hillock

who's already asked if you can join i'll give him a call here who else cannot add if anyone else

wants to be added you let me know i'll add neon but she's busy i don't want dark street she's

offline rbcp looks like he's offline dwight shows he's offline but i'll add him just in case

jayad is probably busy with family but i'll add him enigma anyone else i should add let me add

milkman but he's not gonna log in and then the show i'll add gilmore i'll add baz in case he

comes around probably won't i'll add dialer but he's definitely not coming hey and then

kid gloria oh gloria oh yeah she's in there she ruined my um christmas eve show

she seems to have calmed down a little bit lately

There we go.

I got a whole panel.

Whoever joins, joins.

So, what are you up to?

Me?

I went out to the grocery store today.

First time I've been to a grocery store in two years.

Good for you.

Wow, good.

You took some nice steps and everything?

The pictures and shit.

It's really good, like pushing the cart.

It's like, you know, a pseudo-Walker, you know?

Okay, okay.

Cool, cool.

So, this is good.

I don't know.

That's good, that's good.

did i add brad already i don't know here's brad like the donnie's asking i ate some special

chocolates before i went special chocolates well you didn't drive what'd you walk what'd you do

hey no we took a cab here oh you took a cab

nice all right so who made it in here who's here this is gonna be a mess now

Is that Dark Stranger talking to you?

I'm just going to be, like, really quiet.

It's Gloria.

Oh, hey, Gloria. What's up?

So something was coming from DS's.

Dark Stranger.

Hey, DS, what's up?

What's up, Duck?

That's not you. Who is this?

That's, like, Dark Stranger's sister or something.

Is this Big Kelly?

Hey, Big Kelly.

Yeah, you know, the big one.

The big girl.

Oh, that's wrong.

The big girl.

Like her larger sister

Larger sister

Oh, I'm not her larger sister

Oh, you sound really cute

Are you grandma?

Are you Bookapoo?

Are you just a DS?

Has Bookapoo

Fucking finally got up to DS?

Oh my god

Bookapoo, no

He's like talking

He's like cut out her larynx

and he's sharpening carving knives

as we're talking.

Bad Brian.

No, Brian, no. Don't do it.

Oh, man.

All right, I'm trying to get people to answer the phone.

We're in our favorite part of the show where the phone rings, right, everybody?

Yeah.

Who's here? Dark Strangers, friend,

Mike, Donnie, hey, Gloria, hey.

Hey, Gloria.

Gilmore, hey, big man.

Hi. I'll just be really awkwardly quiet.

Don't be. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that,

but you did kind of mess up my...

i think i'm the only one that's happy big talk yeah i don't care about the big talk

nigger nigger dudes always like strange nigger dudes are always like hey big man what's up

then i knew this one black dude he was like man i don't like it when people say

big man i don't know what people say say boss i don't like that don't call me chief don't call

Call me boss, yo.

All right.

What was with that fake DS?

That was strange.

That was weird.

I think it was DS's housekeeper or something.

Who knows?

It was DS's cat.

That was kind of weird.

House cat?

Have you ever looked around her house?

She ain't got no housekeeper.

That place is a big sigh.

She has a handler.

Mad.

Be nice.

Come on.

What are you saying?

Don't say that.

I'm just kidding.

Your house is always really clean.

I'm just talking shit.

Yeah, because one time you came on and you said something about

her being big and i was like damn oh i was like holy jesus you called the fucking guy that's dude

hello he's kidding dude i'm just busting busting balls busting balls busting balls

this cat's all about showing off this box of fucking stupid donuts it's sugar that will

kill you it's stupid where is this in tiny chat idiot yeah great a box of donuts great you're an

You're an idiot.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's not good for you.

Stick with the weed.

Yeah, it's better for you.

Those donuts, man, they're fried.

They were on the top ten list of the stuff that's bad for you that I read today.

Donuts is, like, number three on that list.

Oh, no.

Crispy green.

I ate one one time when they first came to Chi-Town.

You got to get them warm.

It was like a mouthful of sugar, though.

Like, I got it right off the thing.

And I was like, this is the same for me, you know?

Yeah, they're pretty thick on the glazing, right?

I like Dunkin' Donuts glazes.

Pretty about perfect amount of glaze.

I used to really like the pink ones at one job I had.

And, like, nobody wanted them because that was, like, the faggot donut.

That was the ghetto molly.

Hey, Matt, fucking Hilla.

Why are you swearing at my grandma?

That was grandma.

Is she asking who Booker Poo is?

Hey, we want guns.

We want to buy guns.

I mean, futon.

You have a futon for sale.

Futon gun.

Calls back.

Whatever.

Hey, my apologies.

Oh, now she hung up.

He's probably freaking out like a guy called about guns.

Why would you put your fucking grandma?

Whatever it is.

Come on.

I called it, though.

I thought it was grandma.

I said, hi, grandma.

Yeah.

and i i thought it was bookaboo talking through her carved out throat oh my god i'm gonna take a

piss all right i'll be back now that you've said that thank you so here is fucking love yes you're

all right man you're a good egg as you tell me all the time all right someone's looking for a

ride from petaluma to garberville this is california guys i don't know if you knew that

Petaluma, home of the Twit Network.

Hey all, I'm looking to make it to Garberville this week from Petaluma.

It is just me.

One small bag and my dog Luca, the dog.

70 pound dog of pure love and car and...

What?

And car rides are one of his favorite activities, so he pretty much just sits there.

Alright, so she wants to bring her dog along.

Fucker.

Anybody?

Gloria, why don't you wow us with your pet called Prowess.

Just ask what I wrote in the comments.

Like in our chat.

hat. Ah. Why don't you do it, Gloria? Yeah, why don't you do it? Nothing. Never mind, Gloria.

This list is pretty stale. I'm trying to hit up. For sale, 25 horsepower Mariner boat boater.

All right. Someone has Coachella Fest and Stageco shuttle rides. Coachella. Anyone ever been to

me fd services this is fabian hey fabian what happened what's going on hey i'm calling for

the coachella shuttle machine oh okay hey uh how can we help you man oh so how many

vehicles you're gonna have are they insured do they have air conditioning well the vehicles will

be uh insured and have uh they all have air conditioning yes up to how many can i book to

go inside one vehicle at the same time and one of the party vans uh well how many i mean how

How many people do you have?

Five, including me.

Yeah, I have a vehicle that seats up to seven people.

Oh, good.

Including the driver?

And that's not including the driver.

All right, because we might pick up some other people, some other bitches on the way.

Matt's going to be drinking.

Matt, say cheers.

Wow, cheers.

Glory is underage.

We're sneaking her in.

She has a fake ID.

So good.

Gil Mumbo's from Kenya.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Whatever. We're going to

introduce her to the party world.

Yes, yes.

And Mike the Donnie,

I don't know much about him.

He's friends with Matt.

He's a little

like I'm doing with my hand.

A little

I don't quite know about him.

But he seems cool.

He's got the good crack rocks.

The big fucking $50

pieces. You can chop that up and make

$150. Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Yeah, get your vehicle, man.

Yeah, yeah, no, no problem.

So, I mean, can we, is this a party van kind of thing?

It's not a party van.

I just offered a shuttle ride over there, and the rides that we provide, they're pretty nice.

I mean, they're, you know.

How long is the ride?

Well, it depends what city you're in.

I don't know what city you're in.

Petaluma.

From where?

Petaluma.

No, I mean, I'd have to GPS that and see how long the ride is.

All right, yeah, because we're going to bring a cooler, you know, and have some beers, some

broads, some cigars.

Yeah, we're going to make it a fucking goddamn party video.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

We're going to bring a, we're going to be taping it, too.

You ever see that, those pornos that they film when they're driving around?

Yeah, yeah, bang bros.

Yeah, yeah.

Bang butts.

We're going to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

But we did mention we have some underage people, but this guy seems cool with it.

Would there be a problem if I sat right behind you in the van?

You know, like, in the seat directly behind you?

Can I do that?

I don't see why it would be a problem.

What if I then, during the trip, I lean forward and, like, start massaging your shoulders, you know?

Yeah, you've got to get them right.

I unbuckle your seatbelt, then I start choking you.

Yeah, ask him first if he likes ecstasy, yo, if he likes to roll.

You want that Flocka?

Have you tried that Flocka yet?

Because then he'll like the air.

Matt, have you heard of the Flocka?

Have you heard of that?

No, no, I haven't.

It's all over the news today.

It's a new designer drug.

Oh.

You know that cat, you know that chewing shit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's derived from that, and it makes you hallucinate some crazy shit.

Worse than bath salts ever.

I'm kind of cool.

I'm cool with beer and, like, a little...

A little Mary Jane.

With some Mary Jane

Like some shroomy things

Or some like

I'll go off

Designery type shit

That's kind of scary

It's spooky

It's $5 a hit Matt

It's dangerous

That's what I used to pay for

It's ass

Remember how creepy

Nick Badfish was

Yeah I remember

He had all this designer drug shit

it and he was like i'm getting so sketchy about it he flushed it he was like he started getting

so weird oh my god really is that what was up with that first yeah well no he was just weird

but i'm saying like even a dude that weird was like shit's too weird for me wow well i had no

idea that explains a lot that explains a lot thank you man thank you all right uh we'll try

another one let's see if they answer let's go to lonesome's list uh that was it i wish i had a i

wish i had a lonesome hook on me up from my show yeah lonesome i think i'm the only person he hooks

up anymore yeah we get we get new new shit and then we usually like shit on them and that they're

not gonna work but they usually kind of do now yeah again after it took a while it was just such

That's garbage, man.

Yeah, but how long did it take for New Year's Summers to start picking up, Matt?

You know what I mean?

There was a big dry spell there.

Fucking 100%.

They were all bad.

Like, it was a joke.

Like, sure, we'll call them.

It's like we shouldn't even call anything.

They're not going to do it.

They're not going to answer.

And they never did.

They never did.

All right.

I'm going to start looking for stuff that's open on the map because I don't really have much in terms of numbers right now.

I have, like, a whole list of numbers.

Do you want me to send it to you?

Can you paste them in here?

In Skype?

Yeah.

In Skype chat.

Yeah, yeah.

And format them correctly, please.

Yes, thank you for saying that, please.

Yes, mom.

Here's Crab Hut.

Why not?

See if they're open on Easter.

You do anything for Easter?

You get some ham?

You just went out to...

I went to the grocery store.

No, no, we didn't do that.

You went to the grocery store for Easter.

I got drunk.

I went to the grocery store.

Yeah, but you're a...

You're a Satanist, aren't you?

You are an atheist.

You pick wise crabs.

Did you say I'm in a state home?

You're a Satanist, I'm sorry.

Oh, I know.

You said, but you're in a state home, right?

Hello?

Yeah.

Crab Hut downtown.

Yeah, hey, Matt wanted to make an order for crabs.

And what would you like, sir?

Matt?

Oh, shit, you got them crabs, right?

You don't give a fuck about Easter, right?

You're just busy to be working, or happy to be working, I should say,

with the way Obama has fucked up this economy, you know?

You got them soft-shell crabs, by any chance?

We have king crab and snow crab, and then we also have...

Come on, nigga.

Why didn't you just answer with a no?

It would have saved you time.

I said you have soft-shell crabs.

You could have said no.

You got them mud crabs?

Are you mud crabs?

Mud crab.

You got them general crabs.

General crabs.

Crappy is not.

Like generally.

Sexual.

I got general crab.

That's a diagnosis you can get.

That man has general crabs.

Did you get what I sent you?

Okay, my MacBook Pro sucks.

I'll figure this out.

You know what?

If you don't like it, I'm happy to take it.

Yeah.

You did numbers.

You did it as a docs thing.

You should just highlight them all and just post them.

I'm sorry. I'm just saying.

Hey, hey, I'm not fucking dissing you.

I'm just saying.

No, I know. I'm retarded. I'm sorry.

But, you know, Matthew.

You're retarded, and you didn't...

They're not formatted correctly.

I know, and I will format them.

You guys are just like a married couple.

You're like a mother...

I'm a daughter. Mother-son.

She is. I am her mother

on Facebook.

Yeah, Matt is actually my mother.

Okay. Alright.

All right, like Facebook officially, you're saying?

Yep, and then Brad is my grandma.

Ah, so you pasted these already too, Gloria.

You're good, I think.

You pasted.

You didn't format them, but it's okay.

I can get around.

I have a formatting machine.

Oh, you have a forwarding formatting machine?

Oh, you're so official.

Oh, my God.

She's got all the...

Excuse me.

Formatting machine, here we come.

Sorry, I'm just wasting time as I activate it.

There it goes.

It's working.

Yay.

Activate.

Oh, I didn't...

format activate bitch all right so in the 601 area code we've got christopher who has a landline

where do these where do these come from i want to be news anchor who likes it what happened i'm

confused yo hello hello okay okay i'll just say it um okay he left his face where's here

his medicine chest his messages i want to hook up all right so christopher's i'm sitting here

and there are people around me so i'm just saying the straight okay no i got you so the guy the

the guy is christopher right oh yeah is this like some kind of community like like an apartment

departments have their own like computer lab or something yeah yeah okay yeah they used to have

that and uh my look at that cat's all grinning i don't know they did that shit anymore anywhere

that's what i'm confused he does use earbuds oh that's dad what's up buddy he's cool you need to

wear earbuds can you give me some can you get headphones for me in the car you always send them

oh my god yeah that could be good just calling people and telling them to keep

that's what i'm gonna do with the first one of these all right so i've set my id to call

his this guy's landline and now we're calling his friend faith i'm getting my headphones right now

Okay, goobers.

Quiet over there with the door.

All right, be quiet.

Oh, goddammit.

Hey, did you guys hear Tom Towles died today, by the way?

Who's that?

Tom Towles is a great actor.

He was Otis in the Henry Ports of Serial Killer.

He was in Natural Worn Killers.

Or not Natural, I'm sorry.

In House of a Thousand Burps.

He's been in a lot of things.

He's really cool.

and he was really nice to me at conventions.

I sat and talked with him

and talked about Chicago and shit.

And 65 years old,

that sucks.

Chicago, like, he wasn't...

Well, like, he was in here

a lot with the...

Not getting an answer.

I'm having a mouse problem

just a moment.

It always happens during the show this mouse craps out.

Never any other time.

Yeah, I know.

It's no problem.

Everything's cool, man.

I've got so much more mellow.

Yeah, that's good.

Like, everything's good, man.

Everything's cool.

You'll figure it out.

Problem's fixed.

It's warm in here.

How do I fix that?

Open a window.

You start to take it off close, and you turn this.

Keep calm and drink beer, you know?

Coffee.

Asma's on the video, and he's vaping.

Who's that?

Some cat named Asma, and he's vaping.

They're smoking.

Oh.

Nice name, man.

His screen's completely full of smoke.

Asma.

That is what Asma probably looks like.

His friends don't like him.

Hi, this is Sharon at 301.

All right, I've got to open a window or something.

Give me a second.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Don't go crazy.

Crack a window.

Remember that?

Okay.

Remember that space ghost?

Lenny kept saying, go ahead, crack a window.

Crack a window.

That was space ghost, coast to coast.

That was fucking amazing.

I'm not a modern air, so I can't play it.

Or I would.

Get rid of that show.

I know.

It's funny.

You ain't got to be old with the nerd webs, yo.

He doesn't get it.

you know you're wearing a fear shirt you're talking about you ain't old fear shirt really

a fear shirt when when was the fear is so old when was all like the band fear oh i thought it

was the band from fear that was a bruce lee shirt so i thought you were like punk oh see i thought

it was oh okay if you're for it i thought it was the band shirt that's why i was commenting

editor hey that was cool man you're all shit guests according to the chat room any comments

on that matt you're the leader of the guest tonight what's up according to the chat room

you're you guys are shit guests um you're the leader of tonight's guests since you were first

fuck them niggas i tell them yeah uh join in or start their own fucking shows

tell them just like that matthew or or are you about it on uh youtube when this gets posted

yeah and let me come i should check you know what sucks youtube stopped all your

during matt listen during a live broadcast youtube used to show on the comments those

comments those comments would stay there they would stay when the video was uploaded

oh they don't do that anymore now now they the whatever it's like commented now is lost forever

and it sucks because most of the hating is like live you have to be in there live looking at it

yeah fuck them youtube dropped the ball they dropped the ball with that make your own show

faggots yeah yeah do it do it do it now yeah actually it's so great i need it i need to go

in the hex chat yeah well i see that now there's a live show on about living in a van that has 75

viewers or something what someone has a live show about living in a van with 75 viewers that's

awesome it's probably good that's probably yeah i would watch that shit fuck that uh hey remember

brad was talking to those people that live in bad band for a minute i think it's them like uh

oh i don't know i don't know where's brad right now why doesn't somebody invite him i did he didn't

He has the ability to join in any time.

Her acorn gets all wet thinking about bread.

Oh, my God.

Will you stop that clock?

That's gross.

I will drive to Chicago and kick her ass, I swear.

All right.

Anyway, let's see.

Holly Matt.

All right.

7-Eleven.

Corporate call.

Yeah.

Gilmore, you want to do this with me?

No, no.

I'm terrible with that.

7-Eleven.

Dave speaking.

Dave, hi.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from Southland Corporate Office.

Yes, we're calling to do a customer survey.

This is a monthly occurrence.

You probably...

Hello?

Yes, this is a monthly customer survey we do.

If there's a customer we can speak with, they'll get a $40 gift card.

No, I don't have any customers in the store right now.

Can we do it with you, then?

I'm...

No, not really.

I hear customers there.

Something is wrong with this connection.

It's fucked up.

I don't know.

He's a fucking punk.

7-Eleven, David speaking.

Hello?

Yeah, it's high.

I'm calling to make an order.

Order?

We don't do orders over the phone.

Yeah, one gasoline?

Fuck.

I'm sorry, what?

One gasoline?

It sounded like Hank Hill when he said that.

What?

This is the same nigga that said he wasn't old, but talks about King of the Hill.

Whatever.

King of the Hill was only like 90s.

1999 is like the first episode.

No, 96, dude.

96 or 99.

I know, I was that old.

I was in high school.

I was a senior.

I never got to be a senior, buddy.

Urban India, how may I help you?

Yeah, if you'd like to make an order.

For delivery or pickup?

For pickup.

For pickup?

Okay.

Is there a non-effeminate man I could talk to?

Wait, what?

Is there a non-effeminate man I can talk to?

That's a bizarre request.

Oh, is there?

I'm the only server here, so.

Okay.

All right, well, I guess you'll do.

What's your name, sir?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Are there Indians there cooking and that are running things, or is this like an American Halloween thing?

Okay.

Can you ask them if they can make ban chowd, please?

Ban chowd?

Yeah.

Can you make ban chowd?

Ban chowd?

I don't think they can, no.

Huh? What did he ask?

No, they cannot.

What did he just ask now?

He was asking if you're Indian.

Yeah, well, I have an Indian girlfriend.

Maybe I can talk to him?

Or ask him Matar Chod.

Matar Chod?

Hold on one second.

Matar Chod?

One second.

He's a little busy in the background now.

Now, the cooks can't really hold the phone.

Is he fucking his sister?

What?

Is he fucking his sister?

No.

Oh, okay.

I thought maybe that's why he was busy, because he is Indian, you know?

So do you want to place an order or no?

Yeah, all right, one pilau rice.

First things first, you're going to actually need your phone number, though.

It's 238-2015.

All right, do you want a pilau rice?

Yeah.

One papadums.

Okay.

One beer.

Well, you can't order beer to go, but...

I'll drink it in the parking lot.

Or in the store.

One hot meat.

Okay, so what was the last thing you ordered?

Hot meat, one hot meat.

Hot meat?

Mm-hmm.

With sauce.

No idea.

With sauce.

What are you talking about?

The hot meat.

You know the hot meat?

The hot meat?

Ask Matterchaud.

Hot meat.

You mean hot tea?

Hot meat, Matterchaud.

Ask him.

I don't think that we have that.

You'd have to order up the menu.

Well, he knows. He knows because he understands. Just ask. Please.

If it's not on the menu, you can't really order it to go.

God fucking damn it.

It's easier if you're in the store.

God fucking damn it.

Hey, sir. You are a white man, correct?

Well, hey, today's Jesus's birthday. Do us a favor.

Well, we can't just make everything. We have pretty limited ingredients.

No, no, no. But you could ask the cooker about it because it is Jesus's birthday.

birthday please we're trying to have an easter celebration if i bring some water in can you make

it into beer for matt unfortunately i'm not actually a grand wizard it's a it's a damn

shame i know but oh wait is that a clan thing wait you're in a clan we cannot be cleagles

my power wait you see you used to be a grand wizard whoa are you lynching people

that's so wizard

I am an imperial cyclops

and I call rank on you

so if I come in

are you going to throw me in the tandoori oven

I don't think you would fit inside the tandoori oven

wow

again

everything with the S

with the fatness

it's not just me

it's even the fucking india guys

on a more serious note

but all I've got so far is veg pulao, rice, and papad, pre-order.

No banchoad, right?

No, unfortunately not.

Oh, do you know...

I've had people call us for that before, and we don't have it.

Well, you know what?

I want to let you know that banchoad means sister fucker.

That's what you said to him.

Well, people have asked for something like that, so...

Yeah, so you asked him for sister fucker.

How about some terryland on the not?

Yeah, seriously, you asked him for sister fucker.

you're pretty stupid wow that's that's a poor yelp review that's i that's what that means

so what makes it or so urban india does it have like dirty gutter water and that behind the store

and all that and the front urban is slang for nowadays are there monkeys so i have a question

Here's a number.

I'm going to do my famous hometown buffet throwing chicken at people call,

if you want to call that all day.

Oh, you know, I never heard that, but, yeah, sure, we can do it.

All right, so where did you post that?

in the skypers wow yeah i posted skype apparently it's not that famous if you had to say no you

guys talked about it at length last week uh you and brad played it on the show so i just haven't

heard it yet but i've heard of it i'll link i'll send you the link later to it on youtube you're a

link that's okay here you go youtube ds come in the pc and

Mom, my phone.

It'll break it.

I'm sure all your grandma's.

Oh, okay.

Aw, you see what she said, man?

My grandmother said no swearing.

How can I help you?

Fuck.

Okay.

I apologize, girl.

I really thought it was either you with the computer thing or your little sister.

Matt, we're trying to do a call.

We're trying to do a call.

Matt talked over it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Shh.

Everybody shut up.

Shut up.

Go, here I go, here I go.

You might have to do another number, Gloria.

I'll get one right now.

Don't worry about that.

G-L-O-R.

Gloria Buffet.

So, Gloria, isn't the deal you got someone actually throw chicken at some point?

Yeah, he actually threw chicken at a couple of the staff members,

and the staff members almost kicked his ass.

It was really bad.

That's cool.

And then he told RB that he was going to, I forgot to format.

I'm sorry.

I'll format it real quick.

Don't worry about it.

I can talk with him.

You don't have to worry about the man anymore.

He has a machine.

Oh, so, yeah, no, the guy threw chicken at the staff member, and the staff member came

on the phone and was like, oh, I'm about to kick this guy's ass.

What's going on?

And, like, I told him he was an insane asylum guy, and we were coming to pick him up, so

they restrained him.

Ready?

Here we go.

Yep.

Place this.

Matt, drink your beer.

It's horrible.

You're a terrible person.

I know I am.

I'm sorry.

Can I help you?

Hi, I'm calling from the Hometown Buffet corporate office.

How are you this evening?

Pretty good.

How's business tonight? Doing good?

Yes, yes, we are.

That's great. I had a really quick question.

Here on our technical side, we see that we actually haven't gotten any customer feedback recently,

and actually your ratings are going kind of down.

We were wondering if we could possibly do a customer survey over the phone right now.

Do you have a customer that's available near you that could come to the phone real quick?

Yeah, let me just get a manager for you so they could find someone, yeah? Is that cool?

Yeah, I mean, the quicker the better, because I do have a few more places to call.

Okay, yeah.

Just give me a minute.

The manager's going to put a kibosh on this shit.

Not with my technical use.

Oh, look at you.

I almost got real dirty and said, yeah, you use your mouth real good or something.

You got a piercing.

Shaking her head at me.

To be honest, man, I don't know if you've had a girl go down to you with a piercing.

Not that big of a deal.

It doesn't really add that much.

Oh, uh, well, my girl has a lip piercing.

Well, that's funny.

But the tongue, it's funny.

I believe I have.

Yeah, it doesn't matter anymore.

I'm so numb.

I'm always drunk.

Your pee-pee's numb.

Hey, how are you this evening?

I'm calling from the hometown buffet corporate office in Minnesota.

How are you?

I'm doing great.

How's business tonight?

Just checking.

Excellent.

That's great.

You know, recently we've been on our technical side.

We've actually seen that your specific location, the customer reviews are going a little downhill,

and we obviously want to keep that from going under subpar.

So I was wondering if possibly, you know, to get this over with, to up our ratings,

could I possibly do a customer survey of the month with a customer to see how their experience is in our store

and get them to do some Yelp reviews for us?

So do you have a customer that's available?

Let me ask you something.

I'm going to ask you two questions, and then you can keep talking, okay?

Okay. Yes, sir. Question number one. Can you tell me what's the address and corporate office?

I'm sorry, what was that? Can you tell me which one is the address and corporate office?

It's 1020 Discovery Road, Suite 100 in Egan, Minnesota. One more time, please.

1020 Discovery Road, Suite 100 in Egan, Minnesota, 55121. That is incorrect. Yes, I'm sorry.

That's not incorrect. I'm working in... Do you have the specific location? I mean,

I mean, we have many distributors throughout the United States.

So my specific location, you can even look it up, this is my location where I am from.

Yeah, well, there's no corporate office in the address that you provide.

Yes, there is.

And you know what?

Sir, what's your name?

Who do you report to?

Who do I report to?

I report to my manager, who is the head corporate office of the Los Angeles location.

so I don't get what you're copping an attitude for, why you're being so disrespectful.

I mean, I am the superior to you.

Well, actually, I belong to the corporate office,

and I record these conversations from the beginning

because this is not the first time that you're making jokes when the stores.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking to the sheriff's department that's aware about it.

From when?

You've got to pick when and when.

What was the first call?

Well, you know, I don't know you as the same person, but we're very aware about it.

Oh, what was the other call?

I'm not going to give you any information.

He's just a working beaner.

Exactly.

Have a great day.

Bye, Beaner.

Fuck you, Beaner.

I told you.

Shit, I was telling you.

Wait, did he hang up?

Is he done?

Yeah, yeah.

I just fucking realized that I just called the same fucking location I did the original call from.

That's funny though, they know about it

They know about it, that's awesome

It's alright, it's gonna go to Carlito's Skype

He'll be the one that's arrested, not you

Don't worry about it

Ain't no shit

Whatever, it's stupid

But I could tell

They were like

Find another one

I have another one

I'm looking it up

I want some chicken again

Give me a state

Uh, text

Let's see, here we go

I just want to make sure one of them is open

You know, because it is kind of late

I don't know how long these get

Closing soon

Here, I posted it in the Skype chat

Wait, gotta do the plus one for Carlitos

Kick everybody out

There you go

Okay.

I don't know why I typed in Los Angeles, so it popped up.

But, guys, I looked it up.

That was the Hometown Buffet corporate office address.

I don't know who he's reporting to.

I know.

He's reporting to his ass.

Don't worry about it.

He just knew it was bullshit, so it didn't matter.

Calling Hometown Buffet.

Matt, how may I help you?

Hi, Matt.

I'm calling from the Hometown Buffet corporate office.

How are you this evening?

I'm doing good.

How are you?

I'm doing great.

It's good to hear that you're doing well as well.

as well um so basically on our end and our technical end we're seeing that your specific

location is getting very poor reviews lately is this kind of like a possibly like an error in the

system what do you think do they have one today uh yeah actually today and what we want to do is

we want to clear this up and specifically we want to make sure our customers are happy i mean that's

our main job here um is there uh is there a customer near you that we could do a customer

survey with? You know what? Everybody's out of here already. Okay. Do you still have the food

out? Excuse me? Do you still have food out? The food is about to be done here in a little bit,

yes. We haven't seen anybody in over an hour. My game says to go ahead and lock it up.

Oh, really? Yeah, we've been out about 10, 15 minutes already today because we haven't had

anybody. Oh, so there's no customers at all? No, ma'am. So the food is still out, right?

Yes, the food's out.

They're about to pick everything up right now.

So, what kind of food do you see in front of you?

Give me a second.

I'll just come over here in the office.

Give me one second.

Salad bar.

Is there lettuce?

Yes, pre-mixed.

You know, we actually did get a report that the lettuce was not very crunchy.

Is there any way that you could pick up the lettuce, possibly hold it in your hand and crunch it really hard,

and throw it on the ground and see if it possibly, like,

it's not as styrofoamy as somebody once reported?

I just ate it right now.

I'm actually eating it right now as I talk to you.

Eat it.

Yeah, can you eat it?

Can you keep eating it?

Yeah, it's crunchy.

Is there another employee near you?

You guys can do a little quick thing for us.

Maybe you guys can do the survey.

Is there a customer?

Excuse me?

I mean, is there another employee next to you?

I got another shift supervisor here.

Okay, awesome.

And so what I want you guys to do is, do you see tomatoes?

Tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes.

Yes, cherry tomatoes?

Yes.

And so basically we've also gotten some reports that the tomatoes are too,

you know when they're too soft that they just pop immediately and it just, nobody likes that?

We've gotten so many reports of those.

We want to make sure that this is false for your location.

What I would like for you and your employee next to you to do is take the tomatoes

and throw them on the ground, continually throw them.

And if you do 10 of them, tell me how many of those explode.

Okay, I just did a handful of four because I don't eat tomatoes,

so it's a good thing you didn't have me eat them.

Can you put it close so I can hear it falling to the ground?

A little bit more.

I don't know if you can hear it.

Oh, I think I heard that.

By the way, do you have any plates near you?

I got plates on my other end.

Yes, and those are the glass plates, correct?

The glass plates are my salad board.

Yeah, so can you, do you have a plate in your hand that you can have?

Yes.

Can you possibly also throw that on the ground?

Because we've been getting reports that those are just not working out for people.

Could you throw one on the ground and tell me if it shatters?

Because if it shatters, then that's a bad thing.

Yeah, they shatter.

I've had plenty of them fall.

Could you test one on the phone with me so I can make sure you know from my report?

Really?

I'm your corporate office.

I would say to you not to grunt.

No, it's just because they just cleaned everything up.

I know, but you know what?

If you do just a few, then you know what?

Maybe I'll give you some good tips to your boss.

Give me one second, okay?

Can I toss it in the back?

That way, that way, I don't have any debris going anywhere else.

Do you mind?

If you could just do it right now, just get it done with.

You know what?

Wait, in the back, is there a hot grill there?

Yeah, I got a hot grill.

Is it on?

No, I set that one down.

My channel is full, so I shut it down.

You know what?

Turn it on.

And see if it breaks?

Yeah, and, like, put the plate on the burning grill.

But if it breaks, then I've got residue everywhere, correct?

And, you know, we'll put that in our report, and we'll get you guys stronger plates.

Okay.

What was your name again?

My name is Rebecca.

Rebecca.

Are you calling from Greer?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, wow, really?

I didn't see you.

Yeah, I was in Greer.

I've been on my grill.

I'm going to heat up for a little bit.

So what was the guest saying?

Is it our store or is it everybody's store?

It was mainly your store.

I was very surprised about that.

You guys went from, like, a 4.2 rating down to, like, a maybe, like, 1.9.

Oh, really?

Was there anything today for Easter?

No, it was mainly, like, a few days ago, stuff that we were just trying to, like, you know, fix.

Oh, by the way, do you have a, do you, so is the grill turning on?

And can you put your hand on it and make sure it's turning on?

It's getting on because I just heard the flames come up almost in my hand.

Okay, great.

Great. Could you make sure that your hand is on the grill?

Make sure and hold it there to make sure that it – tell me how hot it is.

If you put your hand on the grill, tell me how hot it is.

I'm not going to put my hand on the grill.

Okay. Yeah, no, that's kind of like an odd idea.

I can tell you how hot it is with my thermometer.

Okay. So can you put the plate on?

It still doesn't reach temperature yet. It's probably like 180 degrees.

Okay. So, yeah, put the plate on it and tell me what happens.

And then do you have any – and then if you possibly – I want to also test the –

I also want to test the phones of the store.

We do have a backup phone for you guys in case we do lose power.

Okay, do you know where the breaker box is in your store?

And how has your electricity been lately?

Good.

Okay, that's good.

The IT department keeps telling me that also your cash registers

and electronically they're not coming through on the other end.

So we could actually, if you want to kill two birds with one stone

own and want to get this over with you could go to um if you could go to the breaker box i'll tell

you a specific button to push and it'll reset the system for us and i'll give you a good review to

your boss to my gm yes or to my ad um i think your gm okay let me yeah can i put you in hold

and pick up the other line real quick uh how quick would that be uh just i got the other line

ringing that's why oh well you know ignore the other line you guys are about to close do this

this for the corporate office and i'll give you a really good report to your gm uh you know what

screw the plate screw that go over to the breaker box right now let's get this done with what was

it that it said that we weren't doing it just said that like the information wasn't coinciding with

the reports that we're getting and we just want to reset the system and so on our end it's showing

a red light where we can't reset it so what we want to do is we want to reset it on both of our

ends so when you do this um it's going to reset basically the system so we're going to have an

easier time connecting so do you see the breaker box yes ma'am give me one second let me turn off

my grill i got i got a question where i know that was in when i was in greer the corporate store

to another places that we're the only ones with the plates oh really a reason for that or is it

just because we're like one of the oldest stores around we're like 24 years old i i actually

wouldn't know that i would think maybe just because uh i'm more like on the it end i'm not

Not really on the prospecting end, but I would think that just because your store is older, you guys just haven't updated.

What plates are we supposed to have?

I mean, we order.

We keep an order through our vendor.

Yeah, you guys should try and look at plastic plates.

Are you near the breaker box by any chance?

Because, I mean, I do have a few more stores to call before they close.

Yes.

So you're there.

Yes, I'm in front of the full breaker.

Okay, could you, what we need you to do is we need you to push the levers and just hold it for 10 seconds.

seconds and then turn them back on so you can do the whole thing and then turn them right back on

after 10 seconds and it'll reset the system for us the whole thing and turn it back on

yes sir we don't we don't have just a whole thing to turn it back on we don't no i mean

every single one individually but then just turn it back on after 10 seconds every single one yes

all right give me one second and uh make sure to yell like when you when you shut one off be like

Like, one, two, three, four, and then count.

I got my GM on my other phone.

He's calling me on my cell phone.

Can I get you over to my shift manager real quick?

No, I need this to be done now because I really have to call other stores.

Can you just do this super fast?

I'll tell your GM.

I'll tell your GM what to do.

It was just a corporate thing.

He'll understand.

No, I understand.

He was just giving me a call.

He said to call him ASAP on my cell phone.

You know what?

It's okay.

I'll contact him.

Can you just do this really quick so we can get this done with?

Okay, you ready? So start now.

Hello?

I think the first thing he hit was the phone.

Are we on hold?

I think we should hold.

Oh, guys, I don't know where to go with this.

When he said there was no customers...

Yeah, so fucking the whole thing was...

Breaking the plate was beautiful, and you went off on this shit.

Yeah, he was going to do it after all that effort.

Yeah.

That would have been great.

I don't know what somebody said to me.

Somebody said something to me.

Who said? Yeah, some people in chat were complaining.

But listen, if it gets out of control, I'll reel you in, you know?

It's okay. This is fun.

Okay.

don't read the chat when you're on a show no somebody site messaged me i don't know who

somebody said do it in spanish don't don't suckle yeah that's just the thing but i was saying you

had a beautiful you had him he was gonna put plates on the thing and they were gonna shatter

that was it that was the fucking punchline and you went off on this other shit then gloria is

so controversial in my show she's ruined uh now she's ruined no you have ruined tension but you're

a hot button topic i like it i think the christmas eve show was it was both mad and gloria was it

you guys were really nutty that night oh and what we ended up hanging up there i don't remember it

was a good show and then i got guests on they went over so somebody said i stopped that plate

call because somebody said the plate was going to explode in his face and i didn't want that

It's good, fucking whatever.

It really, it just cracks.

It's...

In Latin roots, this is Puerto Rico.

Okay.

I just want to say I hate gumps that just show gifs in fucking tiny chat, by the way.

Please make me a mod so I can shut them down.

I don't know, how do I make you a mod?

I'm logged in.

Deal fair.

No, don't worry about it on the show right now.

But sometime I promise I won't abuse it because this is your thing, but I just hate that shit

Yeah, that's a sad gift though for a second I was checking to make sure wasn't me

Look at my I saw glasses as okay. Look at it

Here's a real dumb

fucking faggots

here's a gift for you guys

yeah

take this

here's the sheraton old san juan

hotel and casino bullshit

gilmore's getting naked over

gilmore's

pro man i'm sorry gilmore

pro man's a cool dude

he's close

yes hi

my name is akulo i lost something in the casino

quiet quiet you talk too loud okay you're talking too loud okay hello

hey how are you hey hello yes hi why i called over there all right this is mr

anyway look this is lovey look um i had a vehicle come to the front and i asked for them to keep the

engine running okay sir yeah will you excuse me one minute i'm gonna time for your call i have

it right here next to me the manager of the casino the manager okay yes let me put you on

the phone tell him it's mr howell okay i'll let him know okay thanks is that mr

hello vincent speaking casino manager she called me americano

excuse me i heard her say this dirty americano this that she said what sir she she just said

to you this dirty i have this dirty americano on the phone she said no no she didn't say that sir

she said americano she's americana she's americana too

she said she didn't understand what who you wanted to talk to so she

She handed the phone to me.

She said, I'm the casino manager.

Who I'm talking to?

This is Thurston Howell.

I asked for a vehicle to be sent to the front with the engine running, motherfucker.

Who you want to talk to, sir?

Well, I left some shit in the casino there.

I need you to find that motherfucker and put it away so I can come get it later.

Sir, you want to talk to me?

Come personally to the casino.

Hey, you come front of me.

This is a problem, emergency.

Urgency.

On the casino, I left on the machine.

I left my diabetes glucometer machine.

Okay, what machine you were playing at?

The one with the lights.

All the machines have lights in this casino.

It goes...

You also left your colostomy.

You're a winner.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Dude, we have to know my husband's sugars

That's some real fucking

Goddamn black people shit

This motherfucker got the sugars

That's for the manager

Manager

Hey, Akulo

Akulo

Yeah, Akulo, I need to talk to Akulo

In the casino

The pit boss

I need to talk to the pit boss, motherfucker.

Doesn't culo mean like fucking asshole or some shit?

All right, culo means asshole.

And there was a guy in Puerto Rico in the town that I kind of grew up in, kind of.

And his name was Arturo.

And he was this old man that smoked dark cigarettes.

and we used to pick on them and call them

instead of Arturo we call them Akulo

and he got real mad at us one time over

and he went into a shed and got a machete

and was going to go after us and had to

stop him. He was like these boys

are not respectful I'm going to scare them

they're like don't do it

Have any of you cats ever seen these

kind of bananas before? I got them

at the fancy grocery store

they're called bread bananas

they're called bread

I can't see them but

I got to turn my viewer on.

They look like rotten bananas, yeah.

Yeah.

Carlito, did you find her when you moved, like, with the accent and shit?

Well, no.

See, what happened was it was only three.

Would you...

Oh, man.

You're filleting a banana.

Try it.

Rotten bananas.

Anyway, I was only...

I always came to school here, and then I was...

The rest of the time I was in Puerto Rico.

You know what I mean?

Like, I was here for the school year.

So I was here most of the time.

Puerto Rico.

Whoa.

Black people.

My accent was prevalent

American. You could tell them

in Puerto Rico, they could tell like, oh, yeah, you're

a fucking Spidey boy.

Goddamn American.

Fuck you. Did you get treated differently?

When I started kindergarten, yeah.

By the time I was in third grade, there were

Puerto Ricans everywhere.

So, not anymore.

This is Carlos. He's our Spanish student.

The Butterpecan

Ricans.

play the ice cream man you know that's actually after the break that's my that's already set up

as a song to play tonight i'm not shitting it that is set up as butter pecan ricans

Yeah, Raekwon ice cream.

Yeah, well, man, you're psychic.

Next one, Marmalade in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

The island nature is...

Hey, how's it going?

Who's that?

It's the Nygma.

Nygma, right?

Yeah.

What up, the Nygma?

What's going on?

I hear you, too.

Oh.

Wow.

You're just too funky for me.

Yeah.

All right, here's a different one.

I was wondering if that swan cat, Santa Claus, was eating a pill thing before.

Because I got a bigger pill container.

A bigger pill what?

A container for your pills?

I always put them in.

I have an empty, like, one of the fat ones.

Fat containers.

Pill bottles.

And I fill that up with my daily ones and I chug them.

Yeah.

There's nothing like staying your old man when you have a pill container.

There's nothing like, though, when you're going in for ankle surgery.

Oh, you went in for anal surgery?

surgery? Ankle surgery. Bend them.

Ankle. Ankle.

Dude, I almost... Now he's here's the bad

of everything. When, uh...

Well, it's the way my brain works.

When I found out

they were gonna have to shoot me up in the

back to numb out my leg and

shit, and I had to lay on my stomach, I

almost left. I almost walked out

of there with my broken-ass ankle

because I was so scared of that needle.

Like, going in the back of my

fucking thighs. Because they say if they miss, they...

hey i'm calling for some help in english motherfucker hello hello yes hi do you speak

american leader what why you say i do you speak english motherfucker or should i talk to someone

else i'm just gonna hang up and call back the fuck he said leader so i did my uh i did my

newest drawing so there it is yeah boss i gotta send it to you it's easier to see after this

It's just, yeah.

They have the direction.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We'll call the stupid Sheraton again, because they answered it.

Why don't you just call the budget suites, because they have direct line numbers.

You can just click.

Because they're calling Puerto Rico right now.

Puerto Rico, whoa, that'd be a good song.

What does that cut, Carlito?

Yes, I need to speak to the pit boss.

The pit boss.

Do I know who that's to be?

That song, that song, that Puerto Rico, whoa.

Oh, black people.

Whoa.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

Yes, is this Casino Boss?

Hello?

Yes, are you the man in the suit?

Hello, no te escucho.

I need English.

Okay, yes, I can help you, sir.

Now, why you say no te escucho?

What is that, a pastry?

Ignorant.

Listen, I'm going to come downstairs to do some gamble.

Yes?

Do I have to convert my dollars into pesos first?

No, you can use the same money.

If you're going to play the slots, you can use your own money.

Yeah, but I have to convert it to Puerto Rican peso, or what is it called here?

What kind of money do you have?

U.S. dollars?

Of course.

I'm American.

I have greenbacks.

It's the same dollar here in Puerto Rico, the same as the U.S.

Well, I know they call it Puerto Rican dollar, but it's like when I go to Canada, I have to trade in.

Oh, because Canada has another dollar.

Yeah, but this is a different country, you know?

Yeah, but it's the same. Puerto Rico is almost a state. It's the same dollar here.

No, it's not a fucking state, motherfucker.

I said almost a state.

Yeah, but don't get carried away.

Use the same currency.

You PNP's always with getting carried away with that.

Okay, I'm just saying that's the same currency.

Listen, are you...

You don't need to convert anything.

Are you PNP or Popular?

Okay, who am I speaking with?

Huh? My name is Arturo.

Okay, how can I help you, Arturo?

Are you PNP or Popular?

Okay, that's not a, you're going to play the slot, you're going to go to the casino, that's not a request.

Okay, well, so you're saying I can put in United States dollars back, and I will get Puerto Rican coins, and then I can trade those in at the cage for American dollars.

Right? Okay.

All right, and then do you have craps there?

No.

Do you have roulette?

Yes.

Okay, and then what way does the ball go here in this country?

Same as any other roulette table, sir.

It goes around until it stops.

Okay, anything else, sir?

Hey, buddy, I'm telling you, I was down in Australia,

and in the other side of the world, they spin the other way,

so it might be that way in Puerto Rico.

Oh.

That's what my man's talking about.

Did he blow his whistle at us?

What was that?

He blew his whistle.

Don't do that.

Sorry.

I felt it was falling, so I thought I'd say something stupid.

It was fun.

Fun little casino there

When nice shit's going nice

I don't like shit on it

I can tell when motherfuckers

Like when this fucking dude

Said let me put you through

To a manager it was garbage

Get over it Matt I walk

Okay Matt

I'm not upset or being quiet

I'm just getting numbers here

What about that

What about calling like a Starbucks and saying like

Hey you get like a shopping spree

What about it, pal?

I don't know.

I'm just like throwing ideas at you.

I'm listening.

Oh, okay, done.

That's what about it.

It's called spitballing ideas or brainstorming or brain farting.

You know, the first time I heard Hillock, I thought he was Artie LeWang.

Really?

That's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, she says that as a reminder of Artie LeWang.

That's great.

Poor Artie.

I like Artie.

Artie's great.

He's still living.

Yeah, I know, but he lost his radio show.

Niggas still hear you.

Thank you for calling the same one, Maria.

Let's have a speaking in my system.

Yes, hi.

I had a question.

When I go to the casino, do I have to convert my dollars in the pesos?

Where is the nearest currency exchange?

Yes, but I have to exchange it at some point, right?

Well, not at all.

Then why do I have to, when I go gamble, right?

I like to play the card games.

And I was there, and I put a dollar down, and the man said,

you have to convert this.

And he gave me these chips, I guess they're called.

I guess it's Puerto Rican money.

Because then on my way out, I had to stop at the cage and say,

I need to convert these Puerto Rican dollars into U.S. dollars.

We don't have Puerto Rican dollars here.

But there were these chips.

They gave me these round things that were really cheap, plastic looking.

They had the name of your casino on them.

Okay.

Yeah.

He said that it was Puerto Rican money.

He said, oh, shit.

Can I speak to the pit boss then?

Okay, one moment, please.

Okay.

I liked your voice.

It was almost faggot at first.

Yeah, hi, Akulo, how are you?

Excuse me?

Akulo, hi, how are you?

Hi.

Good, yeah.

I'm here gambling at the machine, and I would like a coffee and a cheese sandwich.

Okay, where you're sitting down, sir?

Yeah, you know the machine with the lights on it?

But you know where you're at?

Which one?

If you're on the train?

The main machine.

Okay, I will take there a waitress.

I want five sandwiches.

I want one coffee.

Do you have beer?

Yeah.

What kind of beer do you have?

I have Medalla.

Oh, yeah.

I have wine.

But I will have a waitress over there, sir.

Okay, what else do you have that I can eat?

What else do you have I can eat?

I have hamburgers.

I have pizza.

I have hot dogs.

And it's free?

Yes, sir.

The complimentary of the casino.

It's free if you're sitting down eating.

Okay, do you have anything gluten-free?

Excuse me?

Do you have anything gluten-free?

Junque Rainforest.

Enjoy the energy of our on-site Stolaris Casino.

Savor the cuisine of La Vista Latin Grill.

Surrounded by spectacular ocean views.

They take forever at these casinos.

When I've gone to them, they're like,

oh yeah, you can have a sandwich.

It doesn't take fucking 30 minutes to come back to you with a fucking drink.

It's bullshit.

They want you to gamble all the time.

Thank you for calling.

This is Will Hagen.

gonna help you hey yes uh making an order i need one i need five sandwiches with cheese my name

my name is will my friend okay my name is cross what's the problem a cool yes so i'm making an

order i need five he was not happy about that huh guys no yeah yeah my name is i i didn't know

When I sat down in a Vegas casino

I could just order shit

Hey puta, I need to speak with Will

In the casino

One second sir

The Marriott team wants to hear from you

So we can

My friend, we don't take orders here

You have to wait for the waitress

Don't be a motherfucker, alright

No, don't be you, motherfucker

Where are you?

I'm at the machine, motherfucker

Where are you right now?

The machine.

In what part of the machine you are?

In front of the machine, stupid.

And I'm going to fuck you up.

In what machine?

The one with the lights.

In what machine you are, motherfucker?

With the lights.

The one with the lights.

Jackpot.

In what machine you are right now?

In what part of the casino you are right now?

They go bing, bing, bing.

Bingo.

Come here, you monkey Puerto Rican.

You monkey, you.

Yeah.

You are in the casino right now.

I'm here right now, motherfucker, you.

motherfucker you i'm gonna take your i can get you the the waiter yeah no why don't you come

you come and suck my dick all right motherfucker you okay where are you over here at the machine

i said stupid i want to go to the machine yeah you want to go to the machine go to the machine

yeah come on where are you i'm waiting for you motherfucker i'm ready okay i'm taking i take my

shirt off my friend and then he acts like he's trying to help you like but you're really you

can tell you're pissing him off like he's fit in one swing yeah ah that's great he just said

motherfucker to be really loud maybe his boss walked around or something i can't say that from

that person anyway this is fun i'm gonna call him back i always forget you're doing sundays now man

yes i need to speak with will in the casino he's holding for me

the sun one marriott resort and solaris casino we want to host you

brilliantly. Please let us

know how we...

Come on, let's not do that. I'm back.

I'm back. He's done.

Hey, you could maybe

give me this cat's number

to do on Mondays.

Okay.

You're gonna probably have to call him at night.

Or just sit back. Whatever.

I was just saying, this guy last night,

this guy Will,

he touched me in my

swimming suit area.

He said motherfucker.

like hi can i speak to the manager please and i just want to let you know i was sleeping in

my apartment or my cell room and will came in and took a giant shit in the bathroom

he didn't wash his hands look i posted it there for you

who the fuck washing their hands after they go to the bathroom

bless you anyway look i put the number there for you you got it all right

am i the only one who's echoing yes yes

Yes.

I need a chicken.

You're listening.

You're listening to the audio still in the tiny chat.

Yeah, you did it.

So retarded.

I'm so sorry.

No, you're not.

Retard.

Yell at me.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling the San Juan area.

This is Tanya.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here, and there's a chicken in here.

I'm sorry?

There's a chicken here.

Where, sir?

I'm sorry?

I'm in the hallway.

I went to get off my floor

and there's a chicken

and he has me cornered in the end of the hallway

What hallway are you on?

He's violent

Make him stop

He's a violent chicken

I guess it's a she

She's very violent

I should have asked for her

What I need to do is

I need some guys mirroring me

Nice, great

That's very nice of them to do.

Hey, look, we're going to be in the elevator for this one.

Elevator, chicken, loose.

Oh, dude.

I still think of every time I hear this.

In the elevator.

Every day.

I go downstairs.

Fuck.

Just say that you're in the bathroom and that there's chicken in the room.

Hello?

Okay, help me.

Help me.

Yes, hi.

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm in the elevator.

There's a chicken loose in here.

Chicken loose.

Do you hear him?

Yeah, I hear it.

Can you...

We're stuck in here and he's got red eyes and he keeps pecking at me.

Let me pull the elevator down then.

Well, I can't because I had to climb up on top of the elevator.

I climbed on top of the elevator.

So I'm pulling the elevator down.

But then I'm on top of the elevator. I might get hurt.

I climbed on the ceiling of the elevator.

I broke the panel and I got scared and I climbed to the top of it.

And then there's a box with wires here and I ripped all the wires out and it stopped moving the elevator.

Then I'm going to have to call the elevator company because right now I'm going to have to call them so they can bring the elevator down.

Well, what about the chicken? Because I'm scared and the chicken's buying them.

Okay, well, I can't do nothing about that. The elevator is not working. It won't let me open the door.

Shit.

What's your room number?

I don't even know.

please hurry please can you i am the chicken and i'm gonna kill him

i am a murderous chicken

yeah that the echo in my hand screws things up it uh yeah because it echoed them too yeah that's

but i don't know if that was just for us um i was trying to make it so you guys had an echo yeah

No, no, no. I meant

the people

in the casino were echoing as well.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

You didn't...

I'm kidding. She was really like, okay, I guess

I'll have to call the elevator company.

I'll call the Otis

elevator. I guess I'll call...

Let's try to call our friend

Willie again.

Is this like some old

Saturday Night Live music right here?

Sounds like it kind of, right?

This is like, we'll be right back

We'll be at the G.E. Smith

Oh, see, maybe it was Gilmore who was echoing too

Maybe, maybe

Y'all motherfuckers, I'll turn on the echo

My name is Rafael, may I assist you?

Yes, I need to speak to the pit boss, his name is Will, I believe

Of course, my pleasure

Thank you, my pleasure also

When we return to the line

This egg's right the fuck up

Wow, really?

He just

He doesn't give a shit.

It's called to him.

It just keeps doing that.

Oh, great.

I think this guy's got a pro on me.

All right, here's a place I've stayed at before,

and I've talked about at length here,

the Sandman Water and Beach Club

with the blue elevator and the blue rooms inside of it.

It's an awesome place.

Take the talk.

Thank you.

Hey, Gloria, look at the screen.

Do I never show up?

Where is that mom?

Cowarding out.

out listen to g smith

for real this time

and i wanted to talk

to these guys anyway

i've said it before i'll

say it again if you're

ever looking for a

place to stay in san

juan puerto rico the

water and beach club

doesn't get any better

than that with a free

happy hour matt you

would love it free

happy hour every day

from four to six p.m

i mean we just get

loaded tanked for

You know, you do know, like, the thing, like, all that is really nice, but, like, I just

stayed drunk on shit, so I'm fine wherever I go.

Yeah, but at least you don't have to pay for a few drinks.

Come on, I'm just trying to help you out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

I mean, I'm just trying to save some money.

But I have to fly to Puerto Rico.

Jesus.

And there's way too many Puerto Ricans down there.

But we're going to have a prank call convention there.

Hmm.

A prank call cruise is going to go out of that.

I'm telling you, we're going to do a prank call cruise.

One year.

it might be 20 years from now we'll finally be able to swing it but we're gonna fucking do that

that would be so fucking dope hello hello hey you down with the prank call yeah is this total

what what the fuck i thought he said that like what the fuck are you this that's this is an

adesivo which is the town that i spent a third of my life growing up yeah the largest district

in Puerto Rico, in the North.

Home of the Arecibo Radar Observatory.

It's at one time the largest radio telescope in the world.

I don't think it is anymore.

It used to be.

Oh, is that the one, like, in a lot of movies?

GoldenEye Contact, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They make a big deal about it, too, when you go to the visit.

I mean, the posters are ever like,

GoldenEye Contact.

And then it's like, in 2008,

we had a Puerto Rican in space.

And it's like, big pastor, brother.

Yeah!

space is awesome space machines man i was talking a lot about space tonight and last night dude

did you see a fucking what's his elon musk just did some thing talking about he's fitting to start

running the internet from space with putting up uh like low orbit satellites and they're gonna

beam the internet all to each other yeah that's awesome it's fucking awesome and it's in seattle

yeah google's talking about balloons that can have have a wide range he's talking about actually

putting satellites in orbit even that's even better yeah but yeah i'm saying once once that

comes out dude we could pick up that signal because the problem with a cruise ship you can

get internet on there but it's slow it's like maybe a little better than dial-up and it's they

charge you out the ass for it like per minute it's like real expensive it's like worse than like

before aol was like you know back when aol first came out and it was like you know 500 hours

hours i just it's to give myself like way too shady and aol is the most place for shady smut

of like pedo rooms i can go into and just type add to me they're things that they would send

pictures to and i would get the most horrible shit off aol all right let's call that puerto

rican guy again i want to see if i can talk to him say hey man talk to will from where you are

Like, do you know this role?

Bless you.

It was a cough.

Well, thank you, buddy.

Oh.

Love you, man.

My bro, man.

Love you, too, man.

Oh, thanks.

I love you guys, too.

Hey, you're all right, Gloria.

Oh, yes.

You're all right.

Thank you.

Having a fun show.

Just kicking it, right?

Yeah.

I'm worried about my surgery.

Every time I go on anesthesia, I get worried.

Hello?

Oh.

We'll talk to you about it.

Hang up the phone, guys.

When are you going in?

Friday morning.

Shit, wait, what are you getting done?

Ankle fusion.

Fusion?

Fuck.

I'm scared for you, but you're in Iraq.

Yeah, hello.

What's up?

Hey, this is in Arecibo, right?

Yeah.

Where the radar is.

What?

The radar.

Got to piss.

No.

The radar.

The observatory.

Observatorio.

Hello.

Listen.

Are you near...

No, man.

Are you...

In the woman prostitute.

Are you near Dominguito?

No, Dominguito, no.

Are you near Esperanza?

Si, yes.

You're near Esperanza?

Si, yes.

The river there, I go and I wash my body, my parts in the river in Esperanza, you know?

In Rio.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hey, man, my ball, man.

What?

My ball?

No.

Fucker.

Ah, you pussy, man.

Hey, man.

Shit like that is what me and my friends would do back then.

That was the kind of prank calls we would do as a kid.

I'll do the next one.

I'll do it like what me and Alex, my cousin.

First prank calls I did in my life where we have.

So it's just you and I right now because Hillock wanted to go take a piss.

I'm here.

Oh, really?

Mike's here, yeah.

Yay, Mike.

Nick was here.

Hey, I'm still here, yeah.

So we're talking about Gloria.

Damn it.

I sent you another number to a hometown buffet.

I don't know.

Time flies.

We'll do it because I want to throw shit.

but you have to make it sure it's out on the west coast somewhere where it is that's that one closes

in an hour so it's on sunday it's a problem you know dude and sunday's a slow day oh easter i

should say and sunday a lot of people cooking at home with their families they don't want to go

buffet that day you know people want to go home early we deserve it man we work hard all year

motherfucker and we had a fucking coming on easter if it's slow let us motherfuckers leave you know

know what i mean it's like it's yeah man you can leave an hour early man go home take a long way

home you know smoke a joint all the way a long way yeah your

pickups on the end of coming home at the same time you would have anyway.

Hey, I missed the beginning.

Did you say you had a surgery coming up?

Yes, my legs are being sewed.

Ah, shit.

Yeah, no, well, kind of.

The procedure is called an ankle fusion.

they'll be sawing off a the very end portion of the end of my leg bone and the very top portion

of the beginning of my ankle bone and putting those two bones together like a puzzle piece

they'll create a puzzle piece through the sawing and put it in and then they put three screws

through the bone going down crisscrossing and that'll hold it in place and the thing is those

Those two pieces of bone, since they're

besawed like that, they're going to fuse together

into one bone.

It sounds extraordinarily unpleasant.

It sounds very painful.

I have two plates and seven

screws from the same break you

got, that trimelular fracture.

Yeah, that's what I got, but you've

at least had two

revisions that failed.

No, no, that's very true, man.

My mom is always so worried

about you. She's always like,

how's Carlito doing? How's his leg?

yeah so you got mom and hella worrying about you i know because we got the same you knew same thing

happened pretty much just mine i think mine was a little more severe the breakage but then you had

the brain lesion well i snapped my entire one over at the break over that like after that was

a surgery and heathled,

I went up to Minnesota and

snapped the whole

bone over it, you know?

Oh, that's right. Like, all fucked up

and, yeah, just the whole thing.

Yeah, the bone behind

where my ankle bone goes

up, going up into that leg to the

femur, I guess?

I shattered

the two

femur things.

And it was called

all the spiral fractures.

That's what I had. I had a spiral fracture

of my tibia going up.

And your fibula is your smaller bone.

Mine didn't break.

And then the ankle bone itself

just shatters.

It sucks, dude.

Fucking goddamn

fat guys.

Like, fat guys that get

pumped up. Like, can't catch

a break.

While you all talk about really saddening

illnesses and stuff, look at my

My beautiful kitty overcame his disability and now he is beautiful.

What happened to your kitty?

My kitty had to go to the animal hospital this week.

I was so worried about him.

Look at his foot.

Do you see it on the screen, Jack?

Yeah, it's all, like, fucking broken.

Broken?

Yeah, it's because he just lives in the fucking house.

If he had to go out and catch birds, he'd be fucked.

He'd starve to death in a week.

Oh, my Dobby cat.

I was going to do a show Wednesday.

I had the music going and everything.

All I had to do was kick stuff off and I said, I'm going to use the bathroom.

check on the cat he's been acting funny today and i go see him he's like having a seizure looking

almost i can get real scared about him milkman was on the phone with me and i'm like all right

i gotta go something's wrong with dog so i noticed he kept going into all it's restlessly going into

corners and even in the middle of the floor trying to pee and couldn't i was like stop he's marking

shit you're marking stop it stop it and but he wasn't and i would go up to him like usually if

he was trying to do something like that he would run away as soon as it got close he wasn't he was

He was literally like, uh-oh, something's wrong.

Something's wrong.

His little pee-pee was plugged up with a crystal urethra.

It happens to male cats at their age.

That's something I get with the gout, probably.

Those crystals that get in between your bones.

Yeah, the urea crystals.

But this is his urethra, and it's cats of his type, of his age, of his gender.

I look over, and Matt Hill looks on BBC News, and I just literally almost just choked.

That was funny.

But anyway, he was here.

He's better.

They had to put a catheter in him for two days.

He ripped it out himself the last day, and he started peeing on his own.

He was like, fuck it.

I'm going home.

I'm going to be with my mom and dad.

I'm like, all right.

So he's been back since Friday.

He's really high.

He's on muscle relaxants.

He was hanging out with me for the first 20, 30 minutes of the show, just stoned out his

mind behind me.

but then i think he has to pee a lot because this shit is sore you know like his little bladder poor

guy was big the size of orange dude it had to be like yeah i felt so bad i was so scared that was

sad he just goes crying when he was leaving it's crazy my dad would probably die on one more for

this cat or my other cat when they die more than i will for my dad it's kind of fucked up it's true

Well, yeah, I like to think my cat, Pumpkin, is alive somewhere, because I gave him up to a no-kill adoption joint, and they adopted him.

Wow, this is great.

Good, good.

And we miss him.

Good, man.

We miss our pets.

Pets are important.

All right, so you've called convenience stores in Puerto Rico.

The show's progressing well.

What about that hometown buffet?

That is right.

I thank you, Gloria, for reminding me before they start pulling their shit off.

I got beer.

We're going to load that up into the Matrix.

Stand by.

Oh, so we're doing that call?

Yes, we are.

Are you ready?

I didn't even start worrying about how much I hate buffets.

I hate a buffet.

I hate buffets.

I like, if I go to a restaurant, I will motherfuckers serve me.

Chinese buffets are okay.

American buffets are disgusting.

Gloria is up.

Everyone, you know what to do.

Give me ideas.

is if something doesn't work don't tell me just to tell him to go fist himself help me out here

and i'll call you in if you're going just don't be don't be trying to get people to

hi uh hi laura i'm calling from the corporate office with hometown buffet how are you this

evening i'm doing great uh so how is business right now are you guys a little bit busy

well we close at 8 30 that's like in 10 minutes so it like died down a lot

is there any customers left there yeah there's like a lot of people still eating inside okay

Okay. So basically what's going on, our IT department has been getting a lot of

complaints from customers that keep coming in. Basically, they're just saying they had poor

experiences and we're starting to think maybe those are pranks. Maybe they're just not real.

We don't know. What we want to do is we want to do a survey with a customer right now and we want

to see how their experience is to see if we can close those complaints and see if they're just

not true. Is there any way

that you can get a customer to do

a minute survey?

They'll get a little bit of a coupon

in the mail from us?

Let me ask my manager, okay? Can you please hold on really quick?

Actually, I'm from the corporate office

so it wouldn't really...

I mean, I'm actually higher than

your manager, so they would

really just be saying the same thing.

So just like a random customer?

Yes, just a random customer. If they say yes, then yes.

It's perfect.

Okay, hold on, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

Hi.

Chop a vine.

Hello, this is Ian.

May I help you?

Hi.

Who am I speaking with?

My name's Ian.

How are you doing tonight?

Oh, are you a customer?

No, I'm not, ma'am.

How can I help you?

I'm a manager.

Oh, hi.

I'm calling with the corporate office of Hometown Buffet.

How are you this evening?

You're calling from the corporate office of Hometown Buffet?

Yes.

How are you this evening?

I'm fantastic.

I don't know who you are or what office you're calling from.

I'm calling from the offices in South Carolina.

How do you not know what the corporate office is?

I know where the corporate office is.

I'm just wondering who you are because I have to be careful of people.

Oh, okay.

I thought maybe she would have caught you up on this.

My apologies.

My name is Ian.

I'm the general manager here.

Okay, so I'll bring you up to reference on what's going on.

Basically, your specific location, the IT department, has been getting many complaints.

And quite frankly, we almost feel like the complaints aren't true.

We can't disclose completely until we officially want to bring them up.

But what we were doing is we wanted to speak to a customer and ask them how their experience is right now so we can kind of diffuse the complaints to see if there's anything true or if they're not.

So basically, the IT department just wanted me to speak to a customer and get some feedback on their experience right now.

The IT department – ma'am, I'm sorry to question the authenticity of this, but I have never heard of anything like this.

Well, I mean, sir –

You say we've had a lot of complaints here.

Yes, social media-wise, they've actually reached out to us, corporate-wise.

Basically, our whole tech support, the people who are funding the social media take care of it.

They want to make sure that your ratings go up instead of down, and right now your ratings are plummeting.

No, you know what, I can't allow this phone call to come through because we have not received any kind of information or feedback from my boss.

Fuck you. You work at a

shit buffet for

shit people, you fucking idiot.

Fuck you. Have a wonderful

day, okay? No. Fuck you.

You have a shit day.

Thank you very much.

Stupidest.

Stupid.

Hey, Gloria,

apparently...

Maybe I set off a fucking memo.

No, yes, you set off...

I'm saying, yeah, this is

like, you can do

old country buffets. I mean, you can do

other buffets. That guy you called

and had him do that shit probably got

his fucking ass beat by the staff.

I think he did. Like, for reals.

Yeah, and that's what the fucking...

That's what the shit is now, Gloria.

There's, like, it's a stink.

Like, once you...

Once you fucking shit on something...

What's up, cat?

It's like a look alert.

Wait, you said that there is... No.

Yes.

Wait, I remember...

Awkward silence, yeah.

What are you talking about?

Hey, Ken.

What's up, Matty? Matty Ice.

How you doing, man?

I wanted to join in on your show last night

until I heard you talking about stupid fucking basketball.

I was like, ah, fuck that.

Turned it off.

I was like, I got my goddamn mom's watching that shit,

even in the don't give a fuck about sports.

Your mom watched it?

I watched it.

Of course.

National thing.

Everybody's watching it.

And I was like, ah.

Yeah.

I don't want to go to porn.

I just ate more fucking wheat chocolate.

Looking chilled.

All right, here's an Italian.

Here's an Indian restaurant in Australia.

You need to start saying Italian.

Oh, dude, if you guys find an Italian place,

my dad knows fluent Italian.

He can swear the shit off of those guys.

I got a look today at Easter dinner

because they were serving a classic Italian dressing,

and that's how I said it, classic Italian dressing.

And I got to look like, the way I said it,

I guess it sounded kind of bigoted or something.

Yeah.

I got to look from the end of the list.

Boy, what does Carlos, what does Carlos say in, like, Italian?

Like, you know, I was like, oh.

Guys, this just hit the news.

Police say a gun went off in an Altoon, Pennsylvania church

during Easter vigil service.

Vigil.

That was yesterday.

All right.

We got the Tamarind Indian Tandoori restaurant in Australia.

Here, Australian Indian food.

Me.

Dwight, if you want.

Who wants?

Matt?

Me.

Mike, I mean.

Mike.

Oh, yes.

Somebody else.

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, please?

Can I make an order, please?

Definitely, sir.

From where are you calling?

Calling from the fine city that your restaurant is located in.

It's shown as an overseas number, so that's why I'm asking.

Well, I'm from out of town. I'm actually an American.

So you want to have some takeaway?

Yeah, yes, please.

Hello.

So you want to have takeaway or you want to make a booking?

I would like to make takeaway.

Sure, sir. So what would you like to have?

Do you guys have any specials for Easter?

In the specials, we have the entrees.

In the veggie mix platter, you will get two samosas, two bondas, and the two onion bhaji.

Okay, let's get one of each.

Two pieces of this.

You want that?

Yes.

So one serve of fleshy mixed butter?

Yes, please.

And then I'd also like one order of bonchode.

One?

One order of bonchode.

Sorry?

Bonchode.

Sorry, sir, we don't have that one.

What about materchode?

Matrachode.

Son of an owl.

Hello?

Sir, so your voice is not clear.

Your dirty Indian language is not clear.

Yes, sir, your voice is not clear.

My voice is not clear?

What are you saying?

Is this a Scientologist talking about people being clear?

Hey, we're here from America.

We don't want to deal with Scientologists.

That's why we left that goddamn country.

Did you say clear or queer?

That's where the Puritans came from.

Clear, clear, ma'am.

Your voice is not clear.

That's why I'm asking.

Your voice is queer?

Gandhi.

Chachachot.

My wife's voice is queer.

I think there's some network problem, ma'am.

Can you please call us again?

Is Gandhi in there?

Can I speak to Gandhi, please?

No, ma'am.

It's the chairman and leader in Australia, Sydney.

I get that's in Cindy, but my friend is actually in the restaurant he's eating.

Could you put him on the phone?

Can I have a bacon cheeseburger?

His name is Mike Hunt.

Hello?

Can I speak to Oliver?

Close off, please.

Was I not clear?

I don't, like...

Yes, you were.

Okay.

Dude, that's what the...

That's the new thing.

You are a dirty banjoed and you love candy from your dick shot shachoed.

It's their new thing they do.

do is say oh i can't tell you this is a bad connection and i can't understand you like

instead of saying please call again later i cannot understand you yay prank call

yay prank call i'm sorry for how bad i suck at prank calls i just have to do it by myself

to make you're you're way better than me kid i mean i don't know what to say to an indian

place i didn't say bunch of just say someone you know is in the restaurant they're too stupid to

question you so just say mike hunt is in there and he'll go is my cunt here is my cunt here

hello is my cunt i've understood that since i was your age is your imagery really i've understood

that since i was your age and i graduated high school 97 does that give you an idea

all over the stuff i didn't graduate you just keep rubbing that in my face

i never got to be a senior when would you have oh i mean i went to college i got a gd

being, but I'm saying I never get to

be seen. How old are you?

Four years old. Four?

Thirty-four? Forty.

Forty. Years old.

You're five?

We're like 40 years young.

Hey, yes. How are you?

Is this Indian Tandoori restaurant?

Is this the restaurant?

The restaurant.

What number did I copy? I don't even know

what number I copied. Oh, this guy

had a walker dog for sale.

What the fuck am I doing? Whoops. My bad.

He said do it

What's a walker

A walker dog

You don't run he's a walker

What is a big fat dog

Is that what they call fat dogs

Walkers

Hello you have a walker dog

Yeah you have a walker dog

I do

You talk like a speak and spell boy

I talk like a walker

Speak and spell

Alright so what can you tell me about

The walker dog

speaking math you say what is your quotient listen don't listen to him your walker dog

what what's your walker what do you want to know what do you want to know about him what's his name

that's his name yeah name a dog you didn't give it a name dog who is this my name is cross i'm

new to the area and i want that walker dog i want to masturbate it you do well come on over here and

do it right now man yeah but i want to buy and keep it and i'll you know buy it and keep it

and i'll take over suck all that good dick juice yeah is the dog gaped or no

carlo if you could put a note that's another number i'd like okay i think i could have fun

operate the walker dog you must tie his leash to your dick and as he walks it tugs and pulls you

along the walker dog also comes with a rag to whoopee the jizz off after those long walks only

Only two payments of $19.99.

Dude, that sounds like Tabachi.

No.

That's Tabachi.

That's fucking Ken.

Yeah, but the voice sounds like Tabachi, man.

Come on.

Tell me that doesn't sound like Tabachi.

I call him Tamagotchi as well.

Tamagotchi's my buddy.

He doesn't sound that robot-y.

Yeah.

I am a robot.

If there was a robot that he built, it would talk just like that.

Yeah.

Yes.

It did actually kind of sound like him

His tone

Dwight, fire off another random sentence

Of Tabachibai

I want to hear what that sounds like

Hurry up, come on boy

Say like

How are you Matt Hillock

I love being in India

It's so filthy

Call him from the corporate office

He'll talk to me a lot

About how dirty it was

and, like, he knows I like it

and just sends me pictures

of, like, piss-stained walls

and children in mud and shit.

I am Tabaki. I love you, Matt Hillig.

Let's have a beer and fuck some white bitches,

corporate office bitches.

Dude, that sounds like Tabachi, man.

That is so Tabachi.

Yeah, that's pretty legit.

Have Tabachi read something

and then plug the same fucking paragraph

into this and play it out

and you will shit your pants, I swear to God.

We need to get that done.

Tabachi, where are you?

You had me say Tabachi, you fucker.

Sitting at home with my dick on hard.

Tamagotchi.

I call him Tabachi Hachi.

I call him a bunch of shit.

Tobacco.

I call him Tamagotchi.

Tamacho.

Because he's my little virtual pet.

It's in my pocket.

Matt, remember Tamako on The Simpsons?

Yeah.

That was a great episode, right?

Yes, of course I do.

That is an epic episode, man.

Tamako.

Everyone gets addicted to tobacco.

Doesn't the sheep destroy it?

He destroys it.

I like the new...

The new...

The newer fucking...

Shut up.

Shut up, motherfucker.

Hang on, someone's using Gloria's computer.

Yeah, Gloria's doing shit.

Oh, don't do the soundboard.

Stop.

Hello, this is Lenny.

No, no.

I'll hang up on you.

It's still September 10th

You know what I mean

I said it's one of my friends

And they're like what the fuck

It's true

But I like

How they show tobacco juice

On the newer Simpsons

Like it's one of the things

Like Mr. Sparkle

And tobacco juice

Mr. Sparkle wasn't it like a fish

Fish became something else.

It was a fishbowl.

It was a lightbulb.

It's two different companies, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They stole Spockle!

I just remember him yelling, like,

They stole Spockle!

Oh, my fro's getting big.

Yeah, so are you going for a General Zod look, man?

I don't know what I'm doing.

I want to see if it'll grow to, like, be a big, long thing.

He's going for the homeless look.

Okay, looks good now.

you look like a wolverine but it'll be it'll be cool if it grows like i'd love to sit here

do this you know like always jacking off my face yeah like i'm smart

well i'm shaving every day now come on i got an electric razor and i shave every day just

on my way to work i just go over it while i'm driving look i mean i got cutters look at my

my haircut yeah i got a haircut too bro i've been spiking my hair at work but that's going away now

another two months out of work probably uh dude works for suckers get on disability yo

yeah i'm gonna get cleaned up really nice so i'm gonna get a nice haircut

thursday probably you know what i mean so it'll last me oh before surgery yeah i'm gonna get

myself a nice fresh cut oh you might want to just shave everything including like i'm talking about

out everything. Just clean everything

up. Oh, yeah.

That's true, because you never know where you end up getting

getting all fucking bandages at.

Right. But he's never...

You don't want to be itchy in there, and you're

going to be asking some fucking

nurse assistant to go, could you please

shave my cock and balls?

I will. I've been letting

mine go wild lately.

Don't do that, Dwight.

No, I can't.

Matt, sorry. Don't do that, man.

I pulled up my

I'd pick the same my show.

You've got to get a shaving machine.

A man's groomer is what you need.

Well, I mean, I have.

I mean, I got clipper, you think.

I've cleaned it up before, but now I'm just like, fuck it.

The goddamn cock rings, as I call them, the hair bands.

They keep my pocket all the time.

They don't catch in it too much.

And I figure if they do, like a little pain,

and they'll just rip that shit

Indian restaurant, anybody?

I'm listening to that. Anyone want Indian?

Gloria's got a hand up

and then flipped me off

so fuck

The person you are trying to reach is not available

Bollocks

I saw this

in a Howard Stern prank call once

Sal and Richard call somebody

I would say

I think you'll listen to it

actually

I gave up on Howard Stern, Howard Stern's a traitor

you know rogan rogan had a good point about him shitting on podcasters

is that what stern always did when he moved into a market would would just shit on the

competition and get like a dialogue going yeah and get people like and so it's not really that

he thinks that he just he knows how to stir shit he acts um he acts ignorant when he does it you

You know what I mean? Like, oh, I don't know about those

fucking... I keep thinking

he's going to break into the podcast thing.

But he's smart. He's smart.

He knows what the fuck he's doing.

You know? Like, I don't listen to him.

This is me after having listened to him since

95, since I was 16

years old, I started listening to the guy. I followed him

to Sirius, and to hear

him say basically the shit that

I consider him one of

my major influences on the

mic shows and shit

and my radio chops.

and he said that kind of

kind of hurt a little bit

I was like fuck you Howard like you've been calling it in

for a few years you sucked

ever since Artie left

you know what I mean now you're sucking Comcast

fucking cock and they're

fucking doing you

building an idol for Comcast

and shit like that

so you're on with Artie Saphir

just fuck you old man

yeah seriously

that is what it is man

cause that's what Artie

thought or are you superior it's like well man you stay with it yeah because did it look bad

there for a while like he was straight up suing serious as a serious fucking contract employee

like and all of a sudden that went away after a big fucking um sale of shares and an ownership

flip yeah and so that's that's only who knows what would have happened then and he was you know

know what howard's so fucking ignorant you know what he would do he came out i want to say it was

around 2010 2011 and he said i talked to someone who works with ibm he's a friend of the show and

he told me about these sim cards and you're going to be able to get us on the sim card wherever you

are in your car you'll put your sim card in your car and you'll get us through the sim card and i

was like what the fuck are you talking about sim cards have been out forever like sim cards he's

Someone gave him a conversation

and included SIM cards in it

and that's all he took from it.

It was the same how the feature was SIM cards

and all this. He was saying this

during his contract negotiation time.

He's just a dinosaur, dude.

He is. He said he was

going to move his show

to SIM cards, is what he

said, if he didn't

get a new contract with Sirius that one

time back in 2010.

And he got it.

i don't know why he isn't just happy like i don't know like why'd shit on another like i'm very

happy with my little stupid show what can i do i don't go on and like shit on other people's shows

you know and it's a very small scale yeah but it's just like be a cool cat it's like your friends

it pisses off opie and what's his face and the other comedian sidekick um because they're pro

pro podcaster they have podcasts that air on the weekends on their show and shit and are involved

in collins and shit like that and a lot of the comedians that come in regular time very similar

to me as well they

um they got you

know like jim florentine appearances and shit and he's a big pot he has a podcast you know for the

most part all of my favorite comedians have a podcast yes to them or i i think like a lot of

the good ones have podcasts you know what i mean yeah it's a big thing comedians do this is

basically every modern comedian you know what i mean these are nuts and again but i'm saying i'm

playing the kind of devil's advocate here with rogan talking about that he's just stirring up

shit because maybe more contract things going on right now that he don't really believe in us

he's just doing shit you know so maybe this is excessive but i canceled my three subscriptions

my wife's car canceled she didn't even use it anymore she has been iphoning it uh i canceled

my cars and i canceled our home one which also canceled my internet one all i used anymore i

supplemented into howard regularly and listen i'm meaning i mean i am a diehard howard stern

Stern fan, like, old school, like, would do anything, buy whatever products.

I've read both his books.

You know, my group core of friends, Andy, he used to co-host a show with me and Mike.

In high school, we moved out to college together in an apartment after high school, after we graduated together.

We kind of core bonded around Howard Stern.

Like, we listened to it.

I discovered it at 15, and I told Andy, I said, hey, have you ever heard of Howard Stern?

He's like, yeah, I saw him on TV.

it was back with the e-show

and I was like yeah it's got a radio show

and then we both listened and watched

both and kept competing

and then we brought our other friend Mike

and that's how our little clique formed

it was kind of weird it was like a Howard Stern clique

in high school in the late 90's

but yeah and then I started

my own show and I brought Andy with me

he was my first co-host with Milkman

in the studio until he moved away to Chicago

he's up by U

so I'm not going to visit him one day

he's going to have a kid

I need to hang out with whoever this Andy cat is.

Yeah, he's a cool dude.

But anyway, I don't know where I was going with this.

You were just saying, yeah, Stern is just really, podcast is the way it really is.

Like, any kind of broadcast-y shit is kind of dead.

Now, I listen to podcasts all day.

It's going to be dead, though.

I listen to podcasts all day.

It's going to be dead shortly.

really um i've i've purposefully purposefully left uh out three weeks worth of podcast to

myself but saving them on my devices to catch up while i'm in the hospital with you know what i

mean that's what i'm gonna do i'm not gonna turn the tv on yeah that's why i haven't heard brad

staying with gloria and all that i could i could turn you on to some podcast baby yeah totally

definitely dung and trussell i'll show you it's an opml file if you know that would be awesome

You know what I would think would be awesome?

If our community could create, Dashie, if you're listening, maybe you know what I'm talking about,

a community-maintained OPML file, which is basically a list that you can import into your podcast software or apps.

That would be dope.

Yeah, and it's just our picks of podcasts.

It could be like over 100.

I have like 60.

I used to have over 100.

I said, this is too much.

I never get to 40 of these, let's say.

40% of these I never get to.

on the ipad i've got like i think i only have like five or six okay but like this matt dart

do it dire guy the chicago comedian guy and i love the dunkin trussell family hour i don't

know motherfuckers will say they like it too but it's the shit and that's the kind of thing when

i'm like tripping out eating chocolate at night and he's like always talking spacey like love

love everybody meditate more and whatnot yeah well listen i'm i'm committed to end at 12 so

that means we're not going to be taking a break won't be able to listen to raekwon ice cream

until the next show so hopefully i'll be able to do a break sequence next week so i'm going to do

a few more prank calls and i'm going to call it a night okay okay yeah cool it's always good to

talk to you man yeah i didn't know you were gonna get hacked up again soon yeah thanks for putting

think it's that weird oh well whatever it is whatever man i fucking love you indian food

australia anybody yeah say fuck you indians hello yes hello hello me and goldmar wanted to make a

carry away order damn it huh what do we need i just wanted to say fuck you indian oh that's just

smack fucking hell

we want to make an order

let's get it

fuck you who are you

I like that

sorry

I thought I called it first

fuck you

can I make an order please

chicken tikka

you can come to my shop

and pick up anything you like

What? This is bullshit.

Aw, man.

We were trying to have some fun.

Hey, Neon, life's yours.

Neon!

Niggas, niggas just got hurt up in here.

Oh, hell, Neon.

Dang, my desk isn't tall enough for Neon to be in.

Hey, Neon, hallelujah. He's grinning, hallelujah.

Praise be God.

What's up, Neon?

What's up, man?

This music is loud as fuck.

That's how we like it.

Shut up.

If it's too loud, you're too young.

It's all goodness.

Yeah, take that, young gun.

It's old people, we guys.

Hey, Gloria, you should go with Gilmore.

No, I'm good.

Oh, yeah, that'd be a nice couple.

Yeah, do it.

The two Gs, straight up.

Go to where?

We'll make the logo look like the intersecting Gs like Gucci.

I don't know, Gloria.

I have a lot of sexual demands.

Oh, shit.

It's going to become a dating series.

Gloria might turn you down, Gilmore.

Never mind.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

Chastity devices and shit.

Colostomy bags.

I don't see fucking Gloria fucking hooking up with Gilmore.

I think she needs a real boy.

Yeah.

Well, no, Gilmore.

I just, I'm not feeling it.

Hey, Carly, do you want to touch it?

Yeah, I do.

What's up, Dwight?

Nothing.

Apparently, you guys couldn't hear me for the last fucking half hour.

There's a best half hour

I'm just kidding

I love you

Someone sounds excited

Man, okay

You don't want to hear me when everyone else is on

Rage quit

Ben's doing some fucking

Mad at the world shit

I don't want to

I'm going to go to the chat

I usually do that when I'm not allowed

out on the show and then just ate it oh you need to open up motherfucker god damn it george says

somebody should update the podcast somebody should yeah all right i'll get on it all right

get up on it man carlito i think i've already told you but you know how happy it was i was

I was seeing you and Anne on iTunes.

Yeah, you saw I came up, Anne, right?

Awesome.

Yeah, it was cool.

It was fun.

Can I get an interview?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order for Maharaja.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you have pilau rice?

Plain rice?

Pilau, yeah.

Plain pilau.

Yes.

Pulau.

Yeah, pulau.

Palau.

Do you have chicken palau?

We don't have a chicken palau.

Chicken plow.

Plow.

Shout out to Jim Stewart.

Yeah, what's his thing?

Hey, I'll take care of the update update.

You think so?

Yeah.

Yay, dig my.

Yeah.

Everybody is echoing.

Echo!

I think it's another view.

That music is fucking loud as fuck.

Never mind, Gloria.

I take it back.

Yeah, it is pretty fucking loud.

All right, I'll play something else, all right?

That better?

Ooh, yeah.

All right.

Damn.

slow jams with Carlito

oh hey

play some Sade man

oh shit yeah

now we know Matt's real side

what he really likes in life

I love some Sade

when I go down in the

fucking store every now and again

like I'm talking to all the girls

in the CVS

like I just love it when they come down here

they're playing

Sade like it feels good

Welcome down to the store.

It's Play City.

Cheers.

Stay.

Stay the fuck.

Oh, straight up.

Kiss of life, yo.

Matt Hillock.

Yeah.

I'm, like, I've been a fan since Smooth Operator.

Hell yeah.

Like, I remember back when I was very young, like, on MTV, like, watched Smooth Operator

and tell my idiot friend Alfred to watch it, and he was doing this stupid, like, kicking

back and forth and i stood behind him he kicked me right in the ball and i fucking fell over to

hold my balls like that listen to this to listen to this coast la to chicago all right this is a

dope song oh god yeah she's the shit these are her her music is seriously like earmuffs gilmore

and glory but that's like the best music to fuck too i know i've done it sounds like pretty good

i'd take a shit to this music

this is an 80s song no this is 90s yeah yeah no she's way this song's way she's just ahead of her

time yeah because she makes you want to flourish be like me and live in the 60s and 70s i'd live

in the 80s look up the video i know the song i've heard a million times in my life

here's the best part no need to ask

is that passage to india yes

hello hello sir remember in the movie meet the feebles when the fucking the hit the like indian

guy stuck his head up his own ass and then they said like we could sell this so we could just

call it passage to india yeah okay i guess it's not a not a lot of meet the feebles fans here

I don't think I ever saw that movie

It's great

It's from Peter Jackson's second movie

Let's call back and sing that song

Yeah

Do you hear what's playing?

It's from Chicago

It's from LA to Chicago

Is it?

Yes, because it makes no sense

I want to hear some Elvis

Because Elvis is the best

Elvis stole all his music

From black people

We have an answer

answer hello hello one lamb yeah can i make an order yeah yeah sure okay one

one lamb okay okay all right one uh how how do you make lamb yeah we have lamb rogan josh

okay yeah all right one okay okay do you have pilau rice okay plop do you have chicken pilau

Chicken flour, sorry, sir, we don't have.

We have chicken biryani.

Chicken biryani, okay.

It's spicy, it's spicy.

Okay, chicken biryani, spicy, and one lamb rohani juice.

One bhenchod, bhenchod.

Sorry?

Bhenchod, one bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Mm-hmm.

Who, what do you mean?

You, bhenchod.

I have to make an order for you, bhenchod.

Hello, excuse me.

Yeah, I'm making an order for a bhenchod to meet me.

Hello, man, who is this?

Oh, well, I don't know, why should I tell you?

My name is Sade.

Okay, okay.

Sade?

Yeah, sade.

Hi, sade.

One lamb roganjos, one chicken biryani.

Hot.

Oh, yeah, and one hand job from your mom.

Yeah, can you bring your mother or your sister?

Smooth operator.

Can I get one cha-cha-cha?

Operator.

Smooth operator.

Yeah.

Hello.

Smooth operator.

Operator.

Smooth fucking operator.

Fucking operator.

Do the high part.

Smooth operator.

retards trying to sing.

Who you calling a retard?

A pizza.

Hey, so you got that order?

He's still there.

Yeah, he's still there.

Can I get some careless whisper?

George Michael?

No, fuck it. I saw a shot of it.

That guy sucks dicks in public

parks. Absolutely not.

That guy can fucking sing.

That Greek can fucking sing.

I like that he's

is blowing dudes in public parks.

Oh, yeah, man.

And then did you ever see the pictures of the one guy

who was like this half-baldy fat guy?

With his mom?

Who cares, man?

They took all these posing pictures with one of those.

Do you rule, Gloria, for liking?

Man.

Oh, I like some George Michael.

I like Sade a million times.

Well, yeah.

I never owned any George Michael,

but I respect his creepiness.

it's a plus for you

is that what you're trying to say

yeah I like creepy shit

alright

well god damn it listen to me

right now alright you listen good

I'm listening

alright when we come back

I'm taking a break now

as a matter of fact I think I'm going to do a little bit more

you're going to show us your dick

come on

It'd be disgusting.

Everything's so sexual.

It has to be.

Oh, I guess you love it.

I haven't been ate back, though.

Listen, I'm taking a break.

When we come back, we have more Indian restaurants in Australia to get to.

We also have them in kebab houses.

Those are always fun.

What's yours?

I got some Dwight numbers.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

We got a submission to Tim McGyver.

Can you play some Boy George?

Oh, I don't have that.

Oh, my God, Boy George.

That's Culture Club, though.

That's not Boy George.

Did you take your medication?

It's the same one.

No, it's not.

Oh, you guys take your medication, honey?

You guys okay?

You good?

I feel better, yo.

Thanks.

I forgot mine.

fine. Neon, you're too getting a little

uppity right now.

No, straight up, dude, I was not feeling

good, and I smoked some out,

and I feel a lot better.

My God. It's a miracle cure. Is there anything

you can't do? Look at Matt, functioning like

a normal person again, like Robocop.

He's functioning like normal.

I went to, well, I went to a grocery

store. Went to a grocery store like a normal person.

Look at me being like normal people.

That's great.

That's kind of a big deal for me.

So we got lots of numbers to get

I guess that's what I'm trying to say when we come back.

All right, guys.

You guys hold there on Skype.

Behave.

All right?

We'll be starting to beef with each other.

You're now on mute in 3, 2, 1, 1.

Okay, bye.

And I'm going to head out and get that break thing.

I'm going to get my break sandwich on.

YouTubers, you're going to miss out.

You're just going to miss out.

You're going to hear silence.

If you're watching YouTube Live or listening to the show,

You can do so over at madhouselife.com

Or prankcallnation.com

I'll be right back

It's honestly going to be about 6-7 minutes

Maybe 6

And then I'll do some more calls

And then we call it a night

I'm going to be tired tomorrow and shit

Alright, I'm very bad

Thanks

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

You know what?

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Rap niggas get all up in your guts.

And we're back.

Yay.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yes.

Oh.

Yes.

Continue with this prank, Paul Schell.

Oh, no, man.

Hey, Carlitos, did you hear that black guy from Kentucky, what he said about the Wisconsin player the other day?

Yeah, he said, yeah.

I think it's open season for using the N-word now.

He called the white guy the N-word.

Well, he immediately apologized to him.

He needs more than that.

I think it was a compliment for him to say that.

If it was a white guy that said that, they'd be like, that motherfucker needs to be expelled.

We're bringing him up on charges.

charges but it wasn't but it wasn't all right all right back to the list and here is

a guy who we are requested to tell that we need to tow from him because our car broke down at

quick check at quick check that's the name of the place it broke down on route 31

What up, I'm P.O.

Welcome back.

All right, and he has a really funny temper, and his name is Roland.

All right.

Ice cream, man.

Well, that didn't work.

Dude Carlito

You heard that

Woo Gazi

It's Woo Gazi

Mixed with Wu-Tang Clan

Oh that sounds

Yeah yeah

I sent you that

You played the one

Oh the video

Yeah with the video

Yeah yeah

That was pretty

Pretty good

That shit

That shit's so dope

I don't know

If you ever listened

To a lot of

Woo or

Woo Gazi

Back in the day

But that's like

Do you want to call a hotel?

Sure, thank you

This is the Courtyard in San Diego

Downtown San Diego

See what we get

This is Veronica, how may I help you?

How you doing Veronica?

I need room 215 please

What's the name on the room?

I don't know, I'm actually with the Yellow Cabs

I'm here for a pick up

up uh they said they're in room 215 um because i don't have anyone in 215 right now they're

checked out this morning too okay hang on i got chicken scratchy oh no okay no i misread that

i i got uh i got it mixed up it's 211 i don't have anyone in that room either well what fucking

good are you then bitch thank you have a good night oh no i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry don't

hang up please you went too far dwight i'm sorry we got him back don't worry

tell him you want to show her the bunny

that's part of the song

ice cold bitches melt down when they're my clutch and want their titties sucked ice cream

That just

That's my like

1995-96 right there man

dude fucking new hip-hop's falling off like a motherfucker

fucker it is i try to like be down and like fuck with it no like this is garbage it's trash

yeah you know 3040 man we still got some cats are doing okay music but it's few and far in

between not like it was back up until 97 98 that was the last time it's 97 well i mean it always

yeah it's just it's something that woo like blew up and like fucking goddamn mob deep and shit

back then

I don't even know

the last album that came out

that I bought and was

really into

like for reals into was

Wu-Tang Forever

the double LP by Wu-Tang

yeah yeah I remember

like listening to that

I think Ray Kwan's

The R too

The R?

yeah he made that

He came back

for a minute.

It was called

Requiem.

I don't remember that.

There's been all of them.

Woo Massacre was really good.

I heard that.

That was really good.

I know.

It's because we were younger

and we were all into that shit.

Yeah, I guess.

Alright, well, let's move on.

Let's do an actual show here.

Really?

Because I'm not going to be here much longer.

Do an actual show.

An actual show.

Because, yeah, you've got to get your shit right.

You're on fucking goddamn iTunes and shit.

You're a big deal, yeah.

Yeah.

And in honor of Enigma, God rest his soul, we have Enigma at the Piazza Greek Shop.

And this is in Australia.

Enigma.

Enigma was a good man.

He was a good man.

We're going to miss him dearly.

He was no Tom Towles, though.

In his honor, I'm going to play a Lunk Alarm in his funeral.

Nice.

Until it burns up.

Until you break it again.

Burn one last one out for Enigma and his memory.

That'll be our send-off whenever any of our prankers die.

Enigma's dope as fuck.

I'll be able to do some shit when I'm dead.

Do shit with who?

Drink till you get both of those.

just play four hours of phones ring

he'd say this was

the most I liked favorite part of the show

we'll make Helix Cawson

we'll paint the toy box on it

dude like who we

who we're I know

it's fucking ridiculous like

really I'm poor as fuck I ain't

getting buried no funeral

like you know like

motherfuckers talk about that

like oh I want the shit played

at my funeral, and

ain't nobody paying for no

funeral for...

I'm gonna be thrown in some fucking

shit after I'm buried.

I wanted to play hacky.

You know what that is?

Yeah, hi.

I want to make an order.

Want kebab.

Yeah, so is it beef or

chicken? Uh, pork.

Sorry? Pork. I couldn't hear you.

Pork and shrimp and

scallops. And scallops, yeah?

And pork.

We don't have pork here.

But this is Australia. We eat meat,

we drink beer, and we speak

fucking English.

Yeah!

Oi, oi.

Pork.

Oi, oi, oi.

And we hate abos.

Oi, oi, oi.

Excuse me, sir. Can I get some of that chicken beef?

Do

you mix the chicken with the lamb?

Wow.

Okay.

Whatever that was.

Wow, that was messed up.

That was cool.

Intolerant asshole.

That was really cool, guys.

Woo!

Fucking stupid is fun.

ice cream chocolate deluxe my better pecan ricans yes so let's make an order you want to order yes

yes one chicken kebab one beef kebab one onion onion kebab one beef kebab one onion kebab

is that a thing hello one onion kebab hello yes i'd like i'd like one onion kebab

Can I get a butter

Pekin Rekin

Side order

Can I get a beef kebab

Hold the beef

Hold the steak

I apologize

When he kept saying kebab he sounded like fucking Peter

From Family Guy

Kebab

kebab yeah one kebab one beef kebab uh no stick no beef well are you kidding me are you one of

all of them yes i like the air the hot air the juices in your legs yeah and the rice one butter

pecan rake kidding yeah one bench hot hello can we smell the air between your legs you should put

Put a cheeseburger on a stick.

One man shot.

My name is Dylan.

I spit straight fire.

Dylan.

Not fire, man.

My name is Tara.

It was right on it.

Who ever said a fucking cheeseburger?

That was me.

I think you've got a million dollar idea right there, kid.

Just run with it.

Like fucking idiot people.

You deep fry it like a corn dog and it's on a stick.

Oh, dude.

People eat that shit.

fried hamburger or cheeseburger.

Listen, isn't

there a state out there in the Midwest that has

an annual fair in Minnesota, I think, that

everything's fried? Like, they have, like, anything

fried, and they probably do that.

Just like an every county fair now.

They do fried butter.

I saw, shit, I was watching Food Network, and there was

this restaurant where you could literally

bring in anything, like, from your

house, so you go to the grocery store and get it,

and they'll fucking deep fry it for you for a fee.

Ooh, yeah.

So, like, they were showing, like, all the

So they would cook my stillborn?

Yeah, well, people were bringing it...

That would be odd if you were a cannibal.

They were bringing in, like, sushi and shit,

and they were fucking deep-frying sushi.

That sounds good.

It was just like, we deep-fry fucking pizza.

They were just showing a bunch of wild shit.

They said Skittles.

They deep-fried some Skittles.

Think about taking in a little abortion-ar.

Yeah, like, what if you're a cannibal?

I had deep-fried apples once, and they were actually pretty good.

yeah i i think you'd fry anything and it's good yeah deep fried oreos popcorn what about fried

corn what about a fried cob of corn it won't pop will it well i mean that's kind of like popcorn

chicken that's like it's just good i mean like popcorn chicken it's just little scraps listen

here's what you do here's what i want to do i want to i want to get a batter going i want to i

I want to dip corn on the cob all over,

roll it all up in that batter, right?

And then I want to deep fry that.

Sounds pretty good.

Right?

Wait, so it's like one little piece of something

covered with like eight ears of corn on the cob?

No, what do you mean eight ears of corn on the cob?

What?

No, I'm going to...

You said you wanted to roll it in corn on...

You said corn on the cob.

You specifically said on the cob.

I'm a tiger.

Dude, I'm going to take a corn on the cob.

I'm going to bread it, and I'm going to deep fry it.

A cookie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's going to regret it.

You know what I'm saying?

That's interesting.

No, that's interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

What were you thinking back?

I thought you were saying, I thought he was saying he wanted to bread things with corn

on the cob.

And I was like, that would be massive.

It would be this huge thing, like, even like, you know, like to be a farmer, like

to grow his own stuff?

no no I was saying

if you wanted to bread something

with corn on a cob

like if you wanted to take like a candy bar

and bread it with corn on a cob

oh my god that's disgusting

10 orders of

ears of corn

and then battered in this whole

giant massive

log of craziness

what the fuck man

one pickle in the middle of it right

I don't get down on pickles

why not you don't get those big old

fucking meaty ones at the store and just

chomp on it

that epic mealtime stuff was like that

I used to like in my fucking high school

do they still do that

kids would like

eat like pickles in bags

like little

plastic bags with like pickle

and rip it open

smell that pickle

goddamn another reason to hate

a minority oh god okay anyway listen um you made it too bad you use like you know ghost chilies

and stuff like that i was asking oh i found it i was i was young at the time too i was asking

something and i wanted it yeah i thought the boss was talking he was we lost his train of thought

Yeah, I lost my train of thought, yeah.

It went right up your caboose.

Around where I work, they got this awesome steak place.

Or not where I work, yeah.

They have these burger challenges.

Do you think you can finish a two and a half pound fucking burger?

No.

I don't think so.

I think it's unlimited time.

It's just you got to fucking eat it.

Is it with condiments also?

It says it's served on a giant fucking bun.

Tons of condiments.

and five slices of cheese, and a pound of fries.

I probably could eat a two-pound hamburger, I think.

And then they have the next level up, which is the new Monster Kahuna,

which is five-pound burger with ten slices of Colby Jack,

a quarter head of lettuce, half a sweet onion,

a handful of pickles, and a pound and a half of steak fries.

Wow.

And your prize is you get your picture on the wall,

and you get a fucking T-shirt.

but it's like 50

it's like 50 bucks

I make

stickers myself I'll stick it on

their fucking wall

if I got a two pound burger

I'd eat that thing for a week

Matt takes his own Polaroid picture

and fuck all he sticks up and puts it on their wall

he's like ahhh

I said Homer did with that really big party sub

that he found in the trash

and he started eating it over

a week and it was all purple and gross

yeah Homer

Homer, Homer, it got the

mushrooms on it. And Marge

said, are you eating that

sandwich again?

And he took it out of the garbage.

It was like when he found that fucking

sugar after that truck crashed.

He had it all in his backyard.

He's fucking guarding the sugar from the bees.

First you get the

sugar, then you get the

power, then you get the

women.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

They're after my sugar box.

And then that

British guy with the tea, he's like

Yeah, he's like, yes

I nipped a bit when you were looking

for just one second

to see Mark

That's a good episode

It was some random guy

sipping on tea really loudly

with a British accent

going after Homer's tea

or his sugar

We should have a thing

like watch together

other won't play false simpsons so we need a thing that'll play like things from like

legitimate sources even yeah there she get on it okay yeah so like where we can play our own shit

because that'd be awesome just us sitting and watching episodes and talking shit about

yeah i had that stream up for the uh halloween marathon yeah the uh live stream yeah yeah

Somebody told me.

What was the Halloween marathon?

I just played, I think, 12 movies.

That's cool.

But it was in real time, so if you came in late, it was wherever it started.

Yeah, that's cool.

Played some Halloween porn.

It'd be cool if you set that up as a chat room.

Oh, dude, I had this one crazy zombie bitch porn called Grub Girl.

i think i sold i sold the dvd for like 100 bucks because it was all out of print and it was off

whatever listen i'm gonna do one more and i'm gonna call sorry

turkish to go shop in australia turkish prison turkish bath those are different things you could

do what was that some kid show with turkish delight the fucking the thing where they climbed

in the closet oh the wardrobe the witch and the yeah narnia fucking australian kid hello he knows

is this turkish to go shop yeah can you speak up yeah hey how you doing there you have sandwich

yeah sandwich uh meat meat sandwich guys talk to him because i'm gonna fucking can you take

Take the foot out of your ass.

Yes, sir.

I'm looking for some cha-cha-chode sandwich.

Oh, cha-cha-chode.

Yeah, we have that.

Yeah, followed up, do you have a foo-foo chode also?

Yeah, we have a suck your dick.

Yeah, and that's when you bring your sister, motherfucker, and I fuck her in front of you.

Hey, let me have a turn.

You know, just enjoy your day.

Have a good one.

It's night, asshole.

All right.

It's night in real parts of the world.

this night time.

Yeah.

Gilmore, did you get

any pranks in tonight?

No, I think I did one.

Here's Indus Village

or I got a Hilton.

Hilltop Indian restaurant.

Hail to the Hilton.

Hail Hilltop Hilton.

Hail to the Hilton.

Take a high up.

How can I help you?

Yes, I'm making an order.

Order.

Today?

What today?

When do you want?

The fuck you think?

You take the big boot

out your fucking foot?

Hello?

Today, when you want.

Could I get some garlic naan?

Garlic naan.

Hello?

Could I get chicken tikka masala?

Chicken naan?

100 orders of that.

Hello?

One chicken naan?

100.

100 chicken tikka.

Okay, 100.

And with gandhu sauce, please, on that.

Gandhu sauce on all 100 orders.

100 chicken tikka, then?

Yes.

Hello?

And, uh, is your mother on the menu, or your sister?

Hello, I'm trying to place an order, but your friend is a little quiet.

Okay, uh, order please, one garlic naan.

Yes, one garlic naan, 100 orders of chicken tikka masala, extra spicy.

Chicken masala, extra spicy, okay.

And, um, I would like, um, gandu sauce.

Sorry?

One side order of gandu sauce. You guys have that?

Hello, excuse me.

Yes?

We don't have anything like that sauce.

Okay, what about the, do you have the back-rochelle special?

Sorry?

The back-rochelle special?

No.

What about...

Your name, please.

Let's see here, moderchelle.

Your name, please.

My name?

Yeah.

My name's Gilmore.

Who? Name?

Gilmore, Q-Z-M-0-R-3

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Yeah, Gilmore

Okay, your number, please

Contact number

Okay, um, nine

Okay

All right

Eight

No, no, just nine

Nine, eight

Yeah, just nine

Just nine?

Yes

Revolution nine

Number nine

Sorry

Number six

Long number, I think

No, no, no, just nine, just nine

Nine

Nine, nine, nine

Gilmore's having sex

everyone for the first time

on the air

it's almost done

just nine

nine

that was so stupid

I'm sorry

just relax Gilmore

it'll come out easily

did you take your shit

or what

I know

it was like heavy breathing

while Gilmore's having sex

for the first time

is that a laugh

legit

well I wanna know

what the hell Gilmore

was thinking

when he asked him

can you take the big

boot off of your foot

I laughed though

I did a double take

I was like take the big boot off your foot

what the fuck is he talking about

fuck it in the bitch man

I'm tired man

it's almost been right here

I don't want to do anymore but if anyone else wants to do

the last one I'll do it for her

sure sure I'd love

to talk to some of the last one

alright Matt spoke up first

let's go Matt we got this

gilmar started smoking weed recently by the way

you gotta take it away last time yo his mama found it it's best to win till your 20s to do it

hello hello yes what is this establishment again what do you mean i've been calling a lot

we're trying to get a winning together which what place is this in this village oh is this

this the indian food yeah yeah oh you said that to me in a cunt sitting tone is that because i'm

white and you kind of hate me i can't hear you properly you can't hear me properly hey could i

please speak to a man do you have any men there with bass in their voice i think it's a wrong

number you should call you were calling somewhere else and you can't i i think you should shut the

the front door okay what did he say you should shut the front door okay yeah i want to make a

order what would you like for a carryout i want some uh what's that weird bread you guys got

it's like not bread or something i'm sorry my vegan we're not gonna serve you anything

okay bye see you oh that's the way to end the show

I didn't know what that place was

That guy was kind of slow

I don't know about that

Anyone else? Dwight, did you want to do a last call?

Sure, last call

Let's do three more last calls

Three more last calls

Yeah, let's go on forever

Yeah

Let's poop back and forth

Forever

Let's do the caterpillar thing

Let's do the human centipede

cats haven't watched

Human Centipede 2

is a great movie

I am not watching

the first one

the first one's tame

but Human Centipede 2

goes hard

Human Centipede 2 is

this is the El Condado

quality

in Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico

black people

people oh pro men or for neo whoa thank you for calling quality uh yes uh english speaker please

thank you yes how may i assist you oh i'm sorry uh i need room uh uh 215 please thank you room

what 215 over and out i don't have that room available here sir what do you mean you got

the wrong number no room 15 that's what i'm looking for room 15 i don't have that number

You don't have that number.

What number do you have?

No.

Who are you looking for, sir?

What's with all the questions, bitch?

Thank you.

No problem.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't hang up.

I'm not done.

Hey, is our buddy Gay John here, sir?

Me, me, me, me, me.

Would you please take the big boot off your foot, ma'am?

Hey, Carlito, have you watched August Underground Mortem yet and seen the one part where he goes,

me, me, me?

No, no.

know dude hey download that to watch it in the hospital yeah i'll stop it on the old iPad then

yeah give me i'm gonna watch some horror movies in the hospital i am on heroin on heroin i'm

morphing yeah oh my god what hospital are you going to it's in a abandoned apartment building

silly that they call like fucking dude morphing is heroin like most the painkillers they give

Can you imagine if I asked, I need my heroin, please?

Get the phenol in.

Use your beat, your fucking button, call the nurse.

Is there time for my heroin yet?

I've noticed being in the hospital, the more you let them know that you like painkillers and like drugs,

the more reluctant they are to give them to you.

You have to play dumb.

Ask them if they can beat your dick in the hospital.

No.

He doesn't need

advice.

He doesn't need advice.

He fucking ass-handed someone

the last time he was in there.

He asked you to beat his dick, Dwight?

No, Carlito scratched his bare

ass and then shook the nurse's hand.

He's like, hey, thanks a lot, buddy.

I used to get

the Ativan every four hours

and I would set my alarm

at night to wake me up

to be like, well, it's four hours

and i would wheel myself down the hallway get my edivan and just fucking cheek it and put it in my

room and save them until the next night and then i would have like a big stack of edivan and just

like cook all right it's party time i had fucking four loco in there with dude named london it was

black dude in there with like spine cancer and shit and him he got fucked up with four loco

and whatever weird pills he had on.

That's awesome.

Dude, you had that movie Girl Interrupted.

It was kind of like that.

They used to dunk meds

and just fucking sell them to other patients.

So if somebody was in there for food,

like an eating disorder,

obviously they wouldn't give them laxatives or anything,

but somebody else they'd give a laxative to

and they'd just start pawning off their pills.

That has that one fucking broad

that uh and joe lee in it yeah she's the craziest one back when uh before she cut her titties off

and got all weird fucking taking all these foreigners in and shit yeah remember her in

that movie foxfire i don't think i saw that young like pseudo lesbian anything

yeah but dude in this foxfire i think it's called foxfire

she's like full like titties out she's like fucking young as fuck and they look great

and things she's loving a lot scared that there's gonna be cancer in them oh she had the but she

had the gene that was like 80 like she was gonna get it and she just had a like a full hysterectomy

too because she also she's scraping every i mean i think there's something to that she's not gonna

gonna have any more kids or anything you know and like well she just gets them from fucking

goddamn mud countries well at least somebody's willing to take care of them yeah i know it's nice

but i'm saying like yeah yeah it's like i don't know it's it's neat but i'm saying i think it's

called foxfire i don't know i'm sure the chat room will correct me if i'm wrong but it is like

Like, there's a scene with her in there.

They're in there, like, with a candlelight.

Titty Zala.

It was good.

Young Maddie whacked up.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

All right, shut up.

Still, you fucked up smut.

A lot of smut for me.

Neon, you ready for your call?

This is a hotel in Puerto Rico.

That's all I got.

Okay, cool.

Enigmony's the next call.

He's bisexual.

Damn it.

He's bisexual.

Did you say he's bisexual?

Hi, does anybody speak English there?

I've been speaking English, yes.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I think you were talking so fast,

I couldn't understand what you were saying.

No worries.

How can I help you, ma'am?

I'm looking to see what kind of an establishment this is.

I know this is a hotel,

but I wanted to see how open your place is

and accepting for people.

Do you, well, are there, you know, is this a whites-only hotel?

No, ma'am.

Huh?

We don't, no, we accept everybody.

You accept everybody.

Okay, so do you accept bisexuals?

Is there a white hotel anywhere?

Oh, no, I wasn't talking about blacks.

Why were you talking about blacks?

No, no, I'm talking about whites.

Did you ask if this was a white hotel?

Oh, I was saying, is this the right hotel?

What are you talking about, man?

I understood that if you were asking me if this was a white hotel.

Oh, no, it was at the right hotel, I said.

That's why I'm asking you the question.

Oh, okay.

What was with white and black, man?

Wow, that's scary.

No, no, I thought you said white hotel.

Yeah, I know.

I've heard you like 20 times think that I said that,

but you went on and started talking about black people.

No, I never mentioned any black people.

I don't know what you're thinking.

You know, you can't tell if someone's black over the phone.

I'm not talking about black people.

I misunderstood you.

Okay.

There's no need to be crazy with me, Alejandro, or whatever your name is.

Is it like Bucky or something?

Weird.

Were they talking at the end?

He was getting mad.

What has Bucky had?

Isn't that from fucking the Disco Godfather?

I don't know.

Where'd you get Bucky from?

I don't know.

Dude, y'all need to watch.

Disco Godfather.

What has Bucky had?

Rudy Ray Moore.

Great cat.

Neon is Akulo.

Akulo got so mad

he went into the

machete.

He's going to get you guys.

Get Arturo.

Arturo is in there.

He's out there.

Two of the men had to stop him.

He's like, those motherfuckers.

in spanish it's like those fucking little shit they've been because listen he was sitting on

a balcony and we were underneath the balcony like on the lawn and he was above us sitting

with his back towards us and he was smoking his really dark black cigarettes and he would toss

him he would he would he started tossing him behind him and he was hitting us with him so

you're like motherfucker so we started to go behind him and burning him with him on his leg and his

a hand and um he got he just started saying

and he got so fucking this old guy this guy was like 70 years old i think or

something you think he was saying like

like i'm gonna hit you in the ass or something i don't know

we said to him because his name was donald i like

i like to i'd like to think about just you

burning an old man

oh but we're like we're just saying don't don't don't instead of don arturo we were saying don't

and he and it's just a cool and he got so mad yeah man and they had to start so basically like

i don't know i didn't see that part but my mom said so you need to know that when you're in

puerto rico it's not the same like it is where and you're in florida because they sometimes when

people get mad and i'm like what happened she's like well don't i do it over there you need to

apologize because you called him she was half laughing about it i remember to this day she's

like eight maybe she's like if you go apologize don't don't i'm sorry it's still so crazy to

think about a little eight-year-old you burning an old man like he's so run down in life he's

He's like, fuck it, I don't care, man.

And then it's like...

We were just

throwing little shits at him

and his cigarette study

was burning and Tasa was picking him up

and burning

the back of his ankles and

shit like that.

That was mean. We were just picking on the old guy

at that point.

And then we started going,

which is

saying asshole.

The actual, you know,

like your actual ass

right is that correct Neon

right right

hey asshole

yeah that's what I was thinking

but that's what I was thinking like if you guys said

cause I could see him saying Articulo like I'm gonna get you

I'm gonna give it to you in the ass

no we're just making a

we're making a funny way of saying Arturo

we're saying Articulo

did he say Articulo to you guys

no we said Articulo

he was saying the guy

guy the neon he the guy's name was arturo right and the way they were making fun of them was saying

okulo okay no i i totally got that i was just wondering if at any time when you guys um were

like or if you guys came around him if he said atukulo to you guys and that's what helped influence

what you guys said and what is it what does that mean that means like to your ass little boy little

little boys, and I want to fuck you in your

little ass. No, just like I'm going to kick you in your ass.

Like, up to your ass, man.

I'm going to get it, you know? I guess

they're beaners,

so it'd be brown assholes.

Ew. I like watching

you talk, man. Are we done?

No, keep going. You got to

do another one, because Gilmore didn't get one.

Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did.

Oh, Dwight was going to get one.

Dwight didn't get one.

Nick and I didn't either.

hey Carlito

fuck it

there was one for after me

no there's not

there's not

if you'd like to stay around

it'd be great

do an after show guys

bye

I'm not on PCN

I'm hanging up on you guys

alright that's Neon

Dwight, Matt

Mike the Donny

Gilmore

and Enigma

all six of those people were joining me there

and Gloria was on at some point

that was interesting

it was good to talk to all those friends of mine

we even had Milkman on the cell phone

for a little bit there

he's a church machine getting churched out

yeah

so thanks for tuning in

I guess I will be on again

on the air again

on Wednesday

Tuesday, the 8th, and I'm aiming to do maybe like a 2 p.m. show around that time, okay?

All right, well, until then, I guess I'll catch you guys later.

Goodbye, good night.

Calls (32, 1 h 37 min of 3 h 33 min)

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