Rub Some Butt

Do you know what is on my computer now?

I put a virus on your computer.

I put a virus.

What is it, dude?

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Is there furry pornography?

pornography yeah there's lots of furry pornography how much do you have in your collection oh actually

i have like 10 000 you have 10 000 furry pornos yeah 10 000 images what do you think is the best

way to clean semen off of your fursuit oh well actually my semen is hard to clean when it's wet

So I have to wait for it to be dry.

Then I can clean it with water.

So I can brush it with water, and that's done.

How did you initially get into the furry lifestyle?

Well, long, long, long, long time ago, I was looking for super bestiality, sex with animals.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so I found it for images, and I said, oh, I like that more.

So you said that you had an interest in bestiality.

I'm curious to know what animals have you had sex with?

Oh, I've never tried except with dogs.

Just with dogs?

Yeah.

What kind of dogs are your favorite?

Well, German Shepherd.

They are big dogs, and they are obedient.

so you can tell them yes or you can tell them not what's the what's the best way

to train a German Shepherd to have intercourse with you it's so a whole

procedure you have to masturbate the dog in first time then well you stand on no

force so that the dog can mount you and well things happens how do you actually

guide the dog's penis into your ass well um once the dog is on you he starts trying to find the

hole finally he finds it and it goes all the way in wow how many german shepherds have you had sex

with in your life actually two do you use location when you're having sex with a german shepherd

yeah lubricant level uh water-based lubricant does dog semen taste different than human semen

Oh, well, each, um, everyone's semen tastes different.

Which do you prefer?

Well, actually, I prefer certain person's semen.

A guy, a friend of mine, yeah.

Why do you prefer his?

Oh, it's like sweet.

Sure, that is what I do.

Start with a frank call.

Yeah, call, yeah.

At the tone,

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Okay, I mean, this person will pick up.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

You have a wedding dress you're selling?

I do.

And it's like a size 2?

All right.

Uh-huh.

Was it used, or did you cancel the wedding because you were cheating on them or something?

No, I wore it.

Okay.

Oh, well, congratulations.

How old is wedding dress?

Um, about five years.

Oh, so you got married about five years ago.

Yay!

yay well congratulations yeah have you had a baby yet um are you interested in the dress or

what is this conversation about yeah i just want to make sure like so am i not a lot because i want

to get it for her because she's poor shit um but like is it like i'm not supposed to see it is that

for real how it works i don't know how this works you know you're wanting to get it for who

For my fiancée machine.

I'm going to marry her.

And I know she's having trouble with the dress, and she's stressed out.

And I don't want her to have to work anymore over time because she's going crazy.

And I love her so much.

Fucking shit.

You know, and it's Mother's Day.

You know.

So that's all.

I was asking if you had any children yet because Happy Mother's Day.

But I didn't want to be awkward.

Okay.

Thank you.

So are you here in Rogersville?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Rogersville, yeah.

I work in Bulls Gap, and I live in Rogersville.

Okay, well, I can send pictures of the dress to you, or...

Okay, good.

Yeah, pictures would be good, and then after that, maybe I could see it, and I don't know.

Maybe if I can just touch it and smell it, you know?

But I'm not allowed to see it, right, as the groom?

I mean, that's typically...

That's up to you guys.

I don't know how you do it.

Did you have any sex on that wedding night or any sexual fluids on it, you think, on the wedding dress?

Are you serious right now?

Yeah, I want to make sure maybe, do we have to have it dry cleaned?

I don't know if you got any sexual fluids, you know, or any, like, a lot of sweat.

Okay, seriously, like, if you're not serious about this dress, then I have, like, an idea that you're just, like, some crazy guy that's just calling and, like, harassing women.

No, that's not it.

Okay.

No.

Well, the way that this conversation is going, I don't like.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

So, if you're interested in the dress and want to see pictures, that's fine.

I didn't mean for you to feel uncomfortable, you know.

I'm sorry, honey baby.

I'm sorry about that.

Okay, well, I'm going to go now.

Did you already get divorced?

I mean, do you want to talk to my husband?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Actually, you know what?

He's in bed, so I'm not going to wake him.

but i can send you a couple pictures of the wedding dress okay and if you're interested

then i will come with him and you can you know buy the dress oh it's like that okay all right

yeah we could do that sure um okay yeah all right so no stains on the dress nothing like that

listen dude i don't know who you are do you have any dirty all right listen here i'll tell you what

it is what i'm really are at okay and you tell me if your husband and whatever um do you have

any dirty panties because i like to buy the dirty panties from the women who've worn them already

and i give you up to a hundred dollars or more each depending on how good the panties are you

know okay i mean my best friend is a police officer here and i have your phone number right

now yeah but it's legal to say i'm not i'm just i'm not responding i'm just women it's not i don't

even know who you are i'm not i'm just responding to your ad and i'm asking questions about you're

not responding to my ad my ad said i had a wedding dress for sale my ad didn't ask you to question

my sex life but i asked to buy my panties i don't know you said that i do that that's all i said i

didn't i didn't proposition you or anything like that for them okay listen if you're interested in

the dress i'll send you pictures of the dress okay well this conversation is over okay we'll

text you back pictures of the dress that's fine okay honey bye all right bye awesome that was

great guys huh we got someone looking for a two-bedroom house for rent let's see if they

answer hello yes hi are you still looking for a place to rent um yeah um yeah all right yeah i am

I'm sorry.

Okay, honey.

So what's your situation, machine?

Are you two lesbians, or what are you?

Who's looking?

I'm sorry.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

Eddie.

Eddie Garabo.

But, yeah.

Yes, in continuation of what I was asking.

You want a two-bedroom house to rent.

That's fine.

I have several properties, you know?

Yeah.

Are you in Rogersville or Bulls Gap?

What's your situation, honey?

I'm in Rogersville.

All right.

have you heard of horse machine ranch it's a new development no okay well i i have a two-bedroom

uh ranch it's a two-bedroom uh house with two bath machines all right and then okay and then

you get uh 20 acres around it a property wooded property and it has a spring what's going on with

the phone what is your problem with the phone i don't know what was that what did you do i don't

No, it just keeps echoing.

Oh, did you put him on speakerphone?

No, it won't quit echoing.

It won't quit echoing?

Are you okay now?

Hey, what kind of piece of shit phone you have?

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie, I said.

I got a house for rent.

Is it you and another woman?

Are you in a relationship with her?

Is it by yourself?

Or what's going on?

Hello?

I know, it's me and my boyfriend.

Oh, you're not married, though?

no and you're how old 18 and you're not married yet no why aren't you at home with your mom

you haven't even graduated high school yet motherfucker when'd you graduate this week

is this magoo no did you just graduate this week yeah oh yeah wow yeah wow so you like

barely legal huh yeah you got any dirty panties i can buy for you because you like yeah i do

you're like exactly barely legal like you're the closest to barely legal as possible yeah

in the week of your graduation wow yeah oh hold on yeah what's up what do you what the

fuck we're having a big fucking party out here you want to come down hold on there's 30 40 people

here we're fucking partying right now where are you at we're here at my place it's like 30 40

people right now all right let's go why don't you come over here because we're all fucking

some of us are fucking you know we wanted to fuck you okay yeah okay all right come over

we wanna fuck okay barely legal what was the name who am i gerb i don't have a party background i

I need to get one.

I don't think I do.

So the best I had was Casino.

Note to self, find a party background shit.

All right.

Multi-family, there was a big garage sale, basically.

They had a lot of shit.

Guns, tools, bow and arrow, encase, saws, fishing stuff.

I like where this is going.

You see where this is going?

Lots of clothing for whole family, all sizes.

Designer purses, including Coach, Michael Kors, Dooney, Vera Bradley, and more.

I have no idea what any of those are except for Coach.

Jewelry, books, toys, double-H items, linens, whatever.

Collectibles.

All right, whatever.

Let's see if they got any shit left.

I like saying it like that.

You got any shit?

Sauce.

And you don't want to see how the sauce is just made.

That's for under debt.

You have reached Max Payne.

Currently unavailable to take your call.

Try again.

What do you see?

Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time.

Y'all have knocked her up.

i have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe i was not offended for i knew i had

to rise above it all or drown in my own shit he said his own shit my own shit um back to the

numbers looking over how uh we got people looking for yorkies jorkies as they say in puerto rico

my daughter is looking for a jorky male and female must be letter b full-blooded prefer with papers

if anyone has number one one for sale reasonable please give me a call thanks that was typed with

no grammar punctuation and the only letter with a capital was the first letter and the entire

sentence which means that it was probably only capitalized automatically by the keyboard they

So, this is what we have to watch.

Let's see if they got the jorky jet.

Oh, come on.

I have good jorky.

Shit, man.

This gentleman says, well, I don't know if it's a gentleman, but I presume.

You'll see why here in two seconds.

I am a long-time reader and comic book, all caps, collector.

Waiting to buy a collection of comic books, all caps, or toys, all caps,

related to comic books capitalized most titles with 10 12 15 20 25 30 cent cover prices such

as dc marvel dell gold key time lean atlas just to name a few batman x-men amazing spider-man

the flash captain fucking this guy a guy he just wrote every fucking guy batman x-men amazing

spider-man the flash captain america green lantern incredible would daredevil before

why not just say everyone that has a movie franchise stupid basically yeah all of them do

let's see batman yes x-men yes amazing spider-man yes the flash uh the flash i think the flash is

going to be in the the dc universe so yes captain america yes green lantern it sucked but yes

incredible hulk yes daredevil yes on netflix now and thor yes what i just say all the ones that

have the fucking shit anyway i gotta sound like an old man we did have just put this comic book

guy yes super gay what's that jerky boy prank call about super gay comic book because you got

super gay my little turtle shit now i gotta find it you have reached three five seven three one

nine seven the home of charles and lisa bond he's talking about fart man he said you got that fart

art man like no no yeah well that's where he goes i want to pet you like my little turtle

you know what i mean and i love that because that's kind of where i got the whole i'll pet

you like a little chicken thing that i say sometimes shit i don't even remember which

island i was from anyone know anyone chat room remember i mean i know i have it here but for

me to find it now i know it wasn't on one or two i think it was on jerky boys three let's see let's

say let's say if i can deduce it quickly here this is my show my network i do what i want

Well, Jerky Boy Street was in 96.

It might have been...

No.

I think it was the 97 one.

See, I have no idea.

It was like, yeah, you got a queer fucking book?

Anyone chat room in?

The Testing for Jeopardy one.

I like to Jeopardy, baby.

Yeah, see, this one came out in October of 97,

which I remember buying it right when it came out.

I remember listening to it my freshman year of college on my Walkman.

I was still rocking the Walkman.

I bought it on tape.

I still...

I was still...

Most people had a CD player at that point.

Portable CD.

I was still on tape.

just for portable purposes i did buy cds but i would make a copy for on the go on the tape

which is whack yeah i don't know i'm not gonna get into it right now because it's gonna take

me way too long maybe it's not it's not the 99 one either shit bad tomatoes florida tv repair

you know gradually gonna figure this out let me give it another shot on google jerky

that stupid whole fart man thing never came to fruition ended up becoming the story of howard

stern up to his first marriage the good move would be of his life after the shit in private

parks that's the book he needs to fucking write we'll fucking do it though come on howard anyway

prank calls right this is a prank call show i'm getting back on track i promise someone has a

dell laptop for sale like you knew with the soft case uh okay and they're also looking for an indoor

puppy young adult preferred female dog machine now thanks for bearing with me well i had a moment

there where i was convinced i was going to figure out what prank that was on my own the animal you

were mid minidisc i really wanted that to take off that was just cool you're right man i wish

that shit would have taken off it just it was just funny hello hey how you doing honey baby

i see you were looking for a dog yes all right well what kind of parent are you what do you want

to do with the dog you want to pet the dog talk to the dog hump the dog what do you have planned

for the dog no just as a pet just as a pet do you want to breed her get her to fuck no no no no no

no absolutely not do you have another dog now i don't i just need to i live alone oh and i'm

retired you're retarded you need a friend retired oh it's good that they let you have your own home

still you know that's good right so you probably get bored i'm stuck at home i broke my ankle

uh over a year ago and i'm stuck at home she doesn't care about my price a real problem i

have i was crying about it today that's horrible super gay that it is that's what i started out

saying clay really are you for real that it's super gay i even said i'm not gonna just type

super gay oh my god thank you holy shit it is super gay that's all i had to do this whole time

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You have reached the voicemail box of 4-2-1.

All right, thank you, Clay.

You win five Madhouse Dollars, and here's Super Gay.

Yeah, you got comic books?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, where are they?

What's, you know, what are they, funny?

Hello?

Yeah, some of them.

Yeah, they're funny.

I mean, if I read them, I'm going to get a little chuckle, a little giggle or something.

Possibly.

Yeah.

How many you got?

I didn't ask you what characters you had.

I didn't ask you to go into all that.

You got a little smart with your mouth.

I just asked one question.

You should go all nasty with me.

Excuse me?

What superheroes you got?

Speak up.

What?

Speak up, Bozo.

I can barely hear you.

I said, The Flash?

Yeah.

You got any of them Fartman comic books?

Uh, Fartman doesn't have a comic book yet.

Oh, no?

Not yet.

All right, come on.

Give me some more superheroes you got.

Uh, Fantastic Four, Captain America, Superman.

Oh, whoa, wait, yeah.

So I don't ask you for all those fucking things.

I didn't ask you that.

So what do you want to know?

I didn't ask you that stupid characters to go into all that shit.

The fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know.

I'm delirious.

I just asked you if you had comic books.

Oh, yeah.

And what are they, really funny?

Are they going to make me laugh?

You know what, we got, like, super gay.

Yeah, you have a fucking queer book?

Why don't I come down there and read that book with you, me and you?

Me and you?

I'll read that book with you, and then I'll feel you up like a fucking, like my little turtle.

Get off the phone, you.

He's not having that, getting felt up like a little turtle.

Well, that's awesome.

Thank you, Mr. Super Clay.

Super Gay Clay.

clay super gay clay they call them there in the chat room sometimes and i have no position on that

whatsoever kidding you don't they don't call them that nobody calls them that except for me right

now i just made it up and said why not burn some more bridges carlito where

Where was that on his list?

Ah, yes.

I'm at the Bowflex that was for sale.

I'm going to give that a shot.

I said barely used.

You know, that happens a lot.

And to be honest, that's what I would do.

If I am, you know, one day I might get, I'm like, I'm going to get better.

I'm going to buy a Bowflex machine.

It's not a commercial.

And I'll be hanging laundry from it within two weeks.

You've reached the voicemail.

Kathy Heard.

Please leave a message and I'll get back with you as soon as I can.

What the fuck is wrong with that fucking message, man?

Sounds like she's taking, it's as if she picked up the phone running from the fucking other side of the house.

Way to make you think she picked up.

We've reached the voicemail.

Kathy heard.

Please leave a...

See, it didn't seem that apparent that time.

I'm just hearing shit, guys.

Pay no attention to me.

I'm a fucking loser.

I'm a loser, shut in.

There was an estate sale on Friday and Saturday at this location here.

That's all we know.

Let's make a bid.

What's your bid?

Man, I'm cocky tonight.

The car is caked in yellow, dude.

With pollen, it's disgusting.

I thought the pollen and shit was bad in Florida.

Fuck.

North.

Fuck, it's worse up here.

different foliage i guess hello yeah what do you say there you had an estate sale this past

weekend sir yes yes we did oh good god bless you by the way and i'm sorry for your lost machine

um i'm calling to make an offer on anything you got left sometimes i'll make an offer on the

entire thing and haul it away for you and pay you good money for all the shit okay hold on just a

the moment hello yes hi i'll start with i'm sorry for your loss machine i understand you had an

estate sale this past weekend yes what do you have left over i like to make big offers on entire

closing offers on whatever's left and i'll take it away and i mine and grind it and all that stuff

i clean it up i have sex with it um did you have any nice stuff left over any knickknacks i'll even

and take whatever you got why you got honey oh oh boom boom boom got a little too carried away

there and strong that was a subpar prank call on my fault i see my failure though i recognize

we're gonna miss an answer all right scooping back a little bit further uh last week gentleman

posted for sale a 250 chevy inline six cylinder taking out of a three speed on the column truck

truck that was wrecked what i don't know what he's talking i think it's just the engine machine

for 100 bucks he's talking a bunch of shit about aluminum and numbers let's see if he's a good old

boy and he'll pick up have a nice conversation with us about shit we're sorry your call

did i miss a number yes it is

bc it's a good sign he's on the phone all right we'll uh mark him as call back here's a coon dog

dog walker registered yeah no loading the guy with the engine but the person you called has

a voice yeah yeah reminds me when i was growing up my mom would call puerto rico the the time

of week that it was always cheapest was sunday night was always the cheapest for long distance

calls from florida to puerto rico i don't know if it was just international long distance calls in

general or just the rate between the island and the mainland but yeah um you know really i don't

like calling puerto rico the referring to the united states and puerto rico as the u.s being

the mainland it's not it's puerto rico's just kind of just out there in the crib and it's not

like the florida keys in the mainland okay i'll give you that or manhattan island and then there's

the mainland but puerto rico's really far removed anyway what am i getting at yeah it was cheapest

on sunday nights to so sunday nights like she was always you know doing her phone calls to her

mother and father my grandparents were either my aunts and uncles and stuff that was the time to

do the calling on sunday night so i'm just because the call is so busy for so long let me just stop

talking yeah and do more calls and shut up 24 foot aluminum warner brand walker board in good

good shape all right a walker board fuck is that i don't know i don't know i don't know welcome to

the message management system welcome bitch house cleaning service too late to call for that

probably looking for a kitten prefer long hair for a kitten prefer long hair all right let's

see if they answer let me uh change my let me change the sid to local area code that might

might help out my snappy dance the shape when you're snappy dancing call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice forwarded again because i have a pretty kitty call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system four two three three zero all we need is a source of new

numbers oh where's dwight where's the dwight you can load up the dirshy tool as well i think

dwight's away i don't know i thought i messaged him earlier like hey what's up give me numbers

oh man he's offline he must be busy okay all right let me get the dashy tool going here let

me play this little tune i guess i don't know i don't know what to do i don't know here's another

jerky boys prank call that came up when i put in super i think it's the super across it is all the

super across the way let's play it's only 56 seconds yeah soup wave machine he's the super

Let me speak to Brett Weir. Is he in? Look, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.

Weir, I said, this is the super across the way.

And he was supposed to take care of some business for me, and I'm very angry at that little jerk.

Right now, I'm gonna break his fucking head.

He knows what the fuck I'm talking about, and don't have me come down there for you either, tough guy.

You tell him to see me.

Super across the street?

You got it, punk.

That was super across the way. Dude, that brings me back, man.

I was listening to that my uh shit so it's eighth grade eighth end of my eighth grade year in school

and like all through that summer in my freshman year early freshman year of high school two came

out just a little bit after that next year yeah man all right hey listen man we I I should say

there's no we tonight it's just by myself no one wants to be around no one gives a shit about me

that's what I understand I will continue to do what I do my network podcast it's easier to do

it with less people delicious makes it easier on me i'm looking uh yelp that's what looking for

yelp negative reviews which i love to use as a clever tool in my prank calls when i call

restaurants that happen to be open at this time let me go over to the yelps let's see there's

always some guy who had a bad time or what they think was a bad time debacle hours should have

once that guy is it actually has like a 4.1 rating usually one person's like oh it was a

piece of shit okay here's one that's kind of a little me me me so we'll do that i'll have that

i'll have my little bill bollocks attitude hey what do you say hey i'll be like gordon it's

wrong i'm never done i'm gonna start doing that now sorry it's wrong you're wrong to gland

And, shit, it's cold. Touch it.

Vinny Cafe, this is Kevin.

Uh, what's brief mean?

Um, as soon as I can get to you.

How many people you got there, honey?

I only have one person in front of me. Is that okay?

Shit, yeah, but I got a big complaint. You better hurry up.

Did you really put me on hold? Or did he hang up?

Uh, should we wait?

Alright, we'll wait, we'll wait, we'll wait.

We'll wait.

Uh, he hung up. He didn't like that I said that.

Twerp?

I have a big complaint.

Clack.

Thank you for calling Vinny Cafe. This is Kristen. How can I help you?

Listen, first of all, I just got hung up on by that effeminate man there

because I said that I was calling because I had a complaint,

and he went, and he hung up like that.

Why did he do that?

I'm so sorry. I have no idea. I just got up to the host stand.

Where's the effeminate man that picked up the phone?

He's seating someone at the moment.

Can you bring him back?

And I want you to ask him why he had to hang up when I said I had a complaint.

All he had to do is put me on hold.

yes i'm sure that's what he meant to do um no he let me he went pass you on to a manager all right

listen everything everything besides the your famous roast chicken was very like average

and it was small portions of your mediocre food it's just a fancy pants place you got there

charging like crazy prices i understand i mean your roast chicken is very good but it's

fifty dollars right and it takes a roast chicken and a mixed green salad on top of bread you know

and your crepe dessert was bland and my and then my complaints like this i can't do anything

about unfortunately i need to pass you off to a manager if you want anything

done okay go ahead okay just one moment

and here we are waiting for the manager a long time yeah this is the manager how can i help you

um everything besides your famous super roast chicken was average okay i'm so sorry to hear

that you're in for dinner this evening or for lunch you have small small abortions of mediocre

food it's just a fancy you have a fancy pants place you're charging crazy prices you know sure

Sir, actually, first of all, I'm so very sorry, and I do thank you for your time, but I've just...

Were you in for lunch, or were you in for dinner?

Dinner.

Okay, and what was your name?

Your roast chicken was very good, but it's $50.

Oh, fantastic.

And it takes an hour, man.

It'd take an hour for that shit, man.

Sir, what was your name on the reservation this evening?

Akulo.

Okay, and what time are you in?

It was in between when you have lunch and dinner.

It was in between.

Okay.

And the siesta time.

Okay.

Listen, God damn it.

So you're in the set for lunch this afternoon.

The chicken was great, but everything else was average?

It's $50, okay?

It takes an hour.

Chicken is like $8 at the store, man.

And the dish is like roast chicken and a mixed green salad on top of a bread.

Do you know, man?

at creep you creep dessert was bland you know my my wife clam pasta and my soup was bland

my salad was okay but small for ten dollars you know yeah there wasn't a whole lot to it you know

you know because you know you could eat outside under the yellow umbrella with your dog you know

and all that and watch marcus street you know and they said that you'll bring a bowl of water

for my dog if i wanted you know but the oyster smelled like a shit sir is this a prank phone

call no this i'm so sorry but that kind of language and and and the things you're saying

makes me think that this is a prank phone call or when the recording gnocchi was plain no taste

and my partner too much salt i had better food at your place before i probably will not go back

anytime soon you know i mean you used to have a lovely place to spend an evening with my daughter

I used to order the chicken, you know, the chicken that takes an hour to come out of the kitchen.

Yeah.

You know, obviously we have to have a cocktail while we're waiting, you know,

so I would get your bee stings are so good, you know.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yeah, but then, you know, the elderflower is not that good.

The roast chicken is always really good.

What makes it legendary, you know, your bread, the salad beneath this is good, you know.

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much for the feedback

I really appreciate it

Yeah, but listen

When the motherfucking effeminate man that was over there

He hung up the phone

Sir, I'm so sorry

I can't have you use that language

Well, I'm a big fan

Normally I give you a

Unfortunately, I can't have you use that language

And I can't have you call my staff epithets

I'm so sorry

Do you know the effeminate man?

I'm going to have to hang up on you, sir

I'm so sorry

All right, and I ordered the burger

And I was very clear I wanted it pink

And that it was important not to cook it well done

And she assured me that they were going to get it right.

Unfortunately, as soon as I took my first bite, it was like the burger was cooked well done.

I didn't say anything.

But when the waitress came back and I was about to ask me about the burger, I showed her, you know, so she can see it with her own eyes.

And she was like, ha-ha, they usually get it right.

Ha-ha, like that.

I don't know what to say.

Ha-ha.

And, you know, for $32, a goddamn burger and a beer and nothing else, I expect Barry to respond.

Sir, you're reading down our Yelp reviews, so obviously this is a prank phone call.

I'm going to hang up now, but I hope you have a good evening.

It's been quite amusing.

I am the Yelp.

I know.

Thank you so much.

It's very funny.

Have a good night.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, well, he figured it out.

He knows their Yelp reviews.

He's on top of the business.

Good for him.

I love this shit, though.

This shit's fun.

How about we do another one?

Let's see if we can find somewhere else in the area open.

You know, what I love is Google.

Now, when you click on Google Map Results, like what I do, I like to do, I just focus on a town.

And I just zoom in.

I just start looking at all, clicking on all the little business names and stuff.

And you see the hours, like at the restaurants and stuff.

You see if they're open still or not.

So, like this one right here, close at 4.

So, there's no need in me trying it.

I just click around until I find something.

most of the place in this area close at four tokyo moto that is closed today la casa de la

madres that has to be open on mother's day right casa de la madres i don't know i don't know what

the fuck that is they have a website it's a dot org crisis support hotline now now you know what

happens in those crisis support hotline calls we're not gonna get involved in that again it's

a taco bell it's been a while since i called and said i threw something up on the roof i think i

i did that once i'd like to revisit that idea a bottle of liquor on the roof can someone help me

get it down tubes are really busy today whole foods are they open i don't want to fuck with

whole foods they are open though woodhouse fish company they are open all right i'm gonna pull

up their website i'm gonna search them on the good old yelp close this other i got a plethora

of open windows i don't need house to stay open that'll stay open good close that okay it looks

looks like i found it let's see if there's any negative reviews i get about a they got a four

something too it's actually a good place so it gets a little more difficult these guys know their

shit i found a semi-negative one here about the lobster shrimp with too much mayo i could play

off of that all i have to do is add cuss words to it and add attitude and it works out so here's

another guy that just they just ramble on so you sound like i sound like a like a like an armchair

quarterback but just like as far as a food critic is like you know everyone now you know you watch

a little you watch a little gordon ramsay and bravo and all of a sudden you know all about you

know yeah oh god oh i hate it when i get that phlegm in the back of the throat and you guys

can hear it it's so embarrassing when i do that it's like fucking job of the hut um yeah here's

another anytime soon until they can create a kids menu okay someone complaining no kids menu i guess

okay anyway look at this is if this is if they don't have a kid's menu ladies and gentlemen

if you have a kid do yourself a favor do this if you you have a kid you call ahead even when you

call to make reservations you ask do you have a kid's menu if they don't have a kid's menu

necessarily if they go uh not really but we can kind of kind of this that or if they just say

flat out no we don't have a kid's menu guess what you get a babysitter and you live the

you leave the children the little fuckers you leave them with the babysitter it up until they're

the point where you can put a video game a portable video game in front of them and they

can stay focused on it for an entire dinner without saying anything other than eating

and maybe saying one or two things until they get that point when your daughter or son gets

to that point then you can bring them out to places that don't necessarily have the kids with

do yourself a favor that's step one that's the vetting process number one yeah i better get to

pranking you. When my wife starts hearing me say

something, it's going to get her mad at me.

Huh-huh. What was that number again?

My guy. You're reading stuff off

our desktop. It's funny, but come on.

I'm busy. Thank you for calling the Woodhouse

Fish Company. We have two locations in

San Francisco. Pick up. For our Market Street

restaurant, please press 1. Pick up, pick up.

For our Pacific Heights Fillmore Street restaurant.

Pick up. I think this is the right one.

The Woodhouse Fish Company is located

at 2073 Market Street. Shut up.

It's a big day for these places, man.

You know Mother's Day? The Woodhouse Fish

This company is located at 2073 Market Street at 14th and is open from 11.30 a.m. to 9.30 p.m. and 10 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays.

Please note, we are walk-ins only and do not take reservations.

Please press 1 to speak to someone in the restaurant and press 2 to...

Thank you.

Maybe, I don't know, sounds like they might be closing now.

But maybe, again, extended hours on Mother's Day is very...

And this is in California, so it's only 7, approaching 8 p.m. there.

what else hello uh yeah listen man you're located you're you know i know you're really convenient

off the mooney the muni there and you have like great decorations and everything you know i got a

seat by the window but i ordered the lobster roll and i have to say it was it was okay um but like

it wasn't mashed into something but it wasn't very filling so i had to give out so much money

for a lobster roll, $19,

a three-ounce lobster roll,

a piece of shit, motherfucker.

All right?

I also tried the shrimp crab on the artichoke,

and the shrimp was, like, tiny, small,

and your crab meat is very small,

and your salad and your garlic bread is okay,

but it's not filling enough for how much it is.

And it came out to $55 after a tip, motherfucker.

I was embarrassed in front of my mom.

I had to pay.

I didn't think it was going to be that much,

So I couldn't say anything in front of her cuz she'd be like what do you need help, honey?

Do you need help to pay for it and she would start paying for it?

I don't want her to pay for it. It's Mother's Day motherfucker

Stupid okay. Hello.

Hello?

Yeah, listen.

Okay.

Hi.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

How can I help you?

Yeah, we order the crab cakes.

It's a small portion for the dinner.

I got the lobster roll, three ounces.

It's swimming in mayonnaise, disgusting.

All I could taste was mayonnaise on that motherfucker.

So, sorry, what's your question?

I'm complaining about the service, about the price for what I got.

And I couldn't complain when I was there because my mother would have been asking why I was having a problem paying the high bill when it was a bad fucking meal, man.

She'd be like, oh, you need me to help?

Carlito, you need me to help Carlito?

Like that.

And I don't want her to do that motherfucker.

It's really hard to understand what you're saying right now.

God damn it.

You're swearing at me.

Take a breath.

I had a bowl of clam chowder.

It was good.

Have you been drinking today?

Well, I was there.

I was drinking.

And it's Mother's Day.

Okay.

Okay, it's probably, why don't you give us a call tomorrow when you're maybe not, didn't have so many drinks, and then we'll talk about it.

I had a bowl of clam chowder, and it was good, but the service was good, but the food just didn't match up.

You know, goddammit, motherfucker, you.

Hey, man.

You want to just call?

Can I give you, can I give you a.

You want to just call back tomorrow?

I want to give you a back rub.

Can I come back and give you a back massage?

I don't know if today's a good night, but.

But I have a car, my van.

I have a mattress in the back.

It comes down.

I call it.

Come on.

That was fun.

All right.

Big Baby Baz helped me out with a number of machines.

He sends in Amigos horse riding.

These are in Singapore.

I heard they got big.

The girls have big tits over there.

Yeah.

Oh, he wants to join.

Yeah, man.

Hang on.

Let me copy paste this real quick, man.

Hang on.

We're going to have Big Baby Baz.

Because I don't know where fuck Dwight is

Fucking asshole motherfucker him

Fuck is that big fat

I'm sorry don't talk like that about Dwight

I'm sorry I love Dwight he's my buddy

I wouldn't say that

Where's the big fat fuck

Scratching my balls

Scratching my balls you can't see it

Hey Ben

Hey buddy

I love that voice man that's awesome

I always forget my clownfish is gone

You got a name for it yet

I don't know what it could be.

I don't know.

You should pick something.

Something good.

Go through all the names of the players drafted in the NFL draft.

There we go.

Yeah, this last week.

And then YL Hightower or something like that.

Do a mashup of two of those names.

I'm sure you can find something good.

There we go.

I disabled it.

I forget.

I had Clownfish, and it's set somehow to automatically start up with Skype,

and i always forget you did it i think you did it last night on dwight's show like i did

i was like whoa what the fuck yeah all right all right so you sent me singapore numbers good

because i'll call them yeah yeah actually i'll be back in about two minutes i just gotta do

something i didn't know you're gonna have me right away so i'll just be muted but i'll be

right back copy paste it right or i think i'm having my normal copy paste bug yeah i am

synergy just a moment or i have the procedure manual has a way to get out of this issue

we could play another jerky boys prank call why not yeah sure yeah good good idea straight off

of that same album that we're just listening to the super gay one remember that one yeah man

that was stop staring at me okay and uh we got a call call remember this is about the

Basinji nuts, and that's to you. Remember the dog?

Hurr, hurr, hurr, hurr.

One minute, 46 seconds. Stand by.

I'll help you. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hi, how you doing there, honey? Fine, how are you?

What kind of nuts you got there? All different ones.

Dried fruits, too, I suppose.

Excuse me? You got dried fruits, too?

Yeah. Alright, what kind of nuts you got, though?

I gotta have a sort and a wide array.

I'm having a party. We have all different kinds.

Yeah? Do you have Basinji?

Like a Basinji nuts?

What's a Basinji nut?

What other types you got? Let me know.

We have a, with a Basenji nut, I'm asking you.

Are they like tiny little dried up, like, sack nuts?

What do they look like?

You know, you got cashews?

You're talking about Brazil's?

Yeah, like, that's right, the Brazil's.

Yeah, I have Brazil's, I have all kinds of nuts.

Now, are they still in that little tight little sack they come in, or no?

No, I was thinking of the, you know, how they make them nice, the two nuts in the sack there,

and they, you know, the bigger ones from Brazil.

I don't know, you'd have to come in and say.

Yeah, what else you got there?

You got any, there's a wonderful nut that I taste, I think it's from down south,

out that's like uh they call them brian nuts you don't have any of those in what are brian nuts

they're a special breed of nut you know uh do you sell beer there no you don't sell beer all right

why would we sell beer pardon me why would we have a liquor license i thought you know with

the beer and the nuts they go together you know no i doubt that uh how about this and i come in

i'll bring can i bring a six pack in and try it or the different uh types of nuts you got yeah go

ahead me and you will eat some nuts and we'll drink i'm not an alcoholic but how do you like

what do you think with the idea though we have a couple of beers me and you no i'm not an alcoholic

we'll eat a few nuts the two of us you know no i doubt it you have your own nuts oh thank you

honey you're welcome dearie bye bye bye all right we're calling singapore everybody no malaysia yes

hello is this the horse riding yes sir i'm going to be going to malaysia okay and i want to ride

the horse i want to ride the horse i want the horse to take me to a private place for me and

the horse to be together and make kissing with you sorry and be with the horse i want to you

know uh go on the horse and have ride the horse hey no problem can you tell me more about but we

don't allow anybody go alone oh no will you uh will you come with me yeah of course yeah okay

all right so tell me about what you offer how long is walking what kind of walk what kind of

trail what kind of view okay we have a different type of uh we have like sorry okay go ahead you

have different kind yeah different kind of trail we have the natural trail we have the plantation

oil plantation and we have seaside and then are there any slaves right no slaves hello go ahead

i'm sorry go ahead yes go ahead continue yeah if you know how to ride if you ride there we allow

Now we trot and canter also.

Okay, yeah, I do know how to ride.

Okay, no problem, good.

I have a ride with my friend.

And our trail is, okay, our trail is 45 minutes to one hour.

We charge RM 100 ringgit per person.

If you want to ride more, no problem.

We need to change the horse.

Okay.

Can then my friend come as cameraman?

Okay.

All right, now, can I come too?

I'm the friend.

He's going to be the cameraman.

Now, do you come to...

I bring the camera.

Will you bring the condoms and lubricants, lubrication?

Sorry?

Will you provide condoms and lubrication?

Water-based, preferably.

You want to stay overnight here, or you...

Well, I mean, when we take the horse, you know, will we have a condom to use with the horse and lubrication?

Oh, no, no, no. We don't allow this.

Well, how big is the horse's sexual organs?

Sorry?

How big are the horse's sexual organs?

That one I cannot tell you because I'm being horse riding.

I don't do any hanky-panky things.

Sorry about that.

But is it...

Don't you ever touch it a little bit?

Now and then?

You don't have to clean it and touch it and clean it and masturbate it?

When is your plan to come?

Well, we're coming next week.

We're getting married and we're coming next week.

On Friday.

Friday, motherfucker.

Okay.

You have my email?

No, what is it?

You can put amigoshorse at gmail.com.

Amigoshorse at gmail.com.

Yeah, you email me.

I can reply to you.

And what is your name?

You can call me Moose, M-O-S.

M-O-S, Moose.

Moose.

Yes.

Moose, okay.

Good.

I'm going to send you lots of pictures about horses, okay?

Okay.

Okay, I'll wait for your email.

I'm eating a horse right now.

Yeah, we barbecue.

Mmm, horsey.

Okay.

What happens if I call you after we leave with a horse, and I call you and say,

Oh, Mr. Moose, I'm sorry, but one of the horsies died, and somehow we cut it up just to package it up,

and we cooked some of it on the trail with sea salt and black pepper and basted it with clear Irish butter,

and we topped it with basil.

garnished with a sprig of rosemary.

It's fucking delicious.

It sounds tasty.

Man, I could cook up some horse.

You kidding?

I'll baste that motherfucker with that butter.

You know, if you put the right seasoning on it,

I'm sure it's great.

I'm sure you've eaten it.

I'm sure I've eaten it.

I didn't even know it was Chinese.

Yeah, I don't know.

I ate some shit in Japan.

I have no idea what it was.

It's probably horse.

Or that donkey.

Donkey. They'll get you with the donkey, too.

China. They'll get the donkey meat.

Donkey meat, donkey meat, for real.

I'm not joking, man.

Yeah, you know, why not?

Is that the place that it's...

Oh, yeah. Did you ever see the Vice thing last year

about the dog-eating celebration every year?

Yeah.

I like they went to that big party

and that family, they brought their dog along

in case they ran out of food.

And the kid's like, I hope they don't

because he's my pet, but I have to do whatever.

I like this dog very much.

i don't want to eat him but it's like having a chicken like you know like when i was in puerto

rico like you know oh the chickens oh the black one and like oh yeah we're gonna kill him and eat

him one day you know that's where your meat comes from fuck yeah man all right let's call this next

one the white horse ceramic that's all we got white horse you want to call for some ceramic

yeah i wonder what kind of ceramic they have little ceramic big ceramic toilet you want a

toilet in the shape of lips yeah hey nihao amer english american please hello yeah you speak

american english yeah i'm looking for the ceramics white horse ceramics yeah i need a ceramic toilet

bowl and and lid seat you know and lid too for the seat no no no you yeah you'll make that for

For me, right?

Yeah, well, how?

You guys are the experts.

You get the raw materials, and then you put it in some kind of a mold, I would assume,

and then you would fashion the seat, the lid the same way, with the same material.

Maybe a different material.

It doesn't have to be porcelain.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Shut up.

Hello?

Hello, shut up.

Can you call?

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

I can hear you.

So what is it that you do?

What are you?

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, we need a white horse.

Yeah, you make us a white horse?

You looking for a horse?

Yeah, you make us a white horse?

I'm going to put you through to my partner, Cross.

He's on the line.

I think he might have some questions, too.

Yeah, hello, ma'am?

So we're going to confuse you.

Hello?

Yes, ceramics.

Can you record?

Hello?

Fucking shit.

Fucking stupid.

Stupid asshole.

See, I can't yell right now, so he can, though.

Is this white horse?

No, can you call again?

I can't hear.

okay hello yes okay shut up bitch you you call again i can't hear yeah do you will you touch

my penis my penis penis yeah me too male sexual organs hello how about we come down and we have

a picnic we have a picnic you have like a like a yard or a back area of your building

white horse it's gonna be a dirty picnic dirty picnic fuck yeah man that was awesome

it was funny it wasn't that good because

i know yeah but the shit said it was funny man you know half half the shit with calling the

singapore calls it's just the confusion factor god yeah no and they don't understand they don't

understand shit that's a crazy fucking place sometimes they do then they get mad

looks like you went on a horse run here because you also now we get the book

yeah i just typed in the horse hello yeah huh is this the bukit timasado club can you speak english

and speak louder yeah yeah sorry can you hear me now oh yes yeah oh yeah honey oh baby yeah i hear

you okay all right yeah okay so can i can i use a horse for uh for a nice little stroll a walk

and masturbation in private sorry hold on okay yeah that's loud i'm sorry no no i hate the asian

hold music hello that's a little too yeah this is actually better than most hey how you doing boy

hey boy hello hey hey my name is mr kamatsu i'm looking for a horse i want to take the horse

on a ride. I want to ride the horse.

You know? I'm going to ride him hard

and long.

And then I want to masturbate the horse.

Okay. Okay?

Now, will you provide lubrication to use

on the horse? Hello?

Did he put the phone down? He's holding it.

Oh, he's holding it.

What? What did you say?

We want to call the horse a name.

We want to call him

Lee Kwan Hu.

What's that?

that uh well nina is telling me to insult the dead prime minister of singapore lee kwan you

is he legal to talk shit about him yeah that's fine let's get there yeah before we start breaking

international law i'd be the one to go on an international vacation one day get arrested at

the airport for having you're on our watch list no for real like i don't think i'll ever go to

thailand unless i speak to someone like a kid am i all right like yeah i'm not taking it because

Because I've seen the fucking Locked Up Abroad fucking shows.

I ain't messing with that.

I ain't the one.

I'll just not fucking go to the fucking place.

Yeah, Indonesia's like the worst.

They've been shooting people there.

Well, they're all convicted on drug charges, but still.

Yeah, man.

Hey, listen.

What are we going to do?

What's next on the list?

Let me think.

That was White Horse.

Oh, yeah.

Then we got the Gallup Stables, the last one.

Okay, the Gallup Stables.

that's actually about 11 p.m there or 11 17 a.m there on a monday so they should all answer

sure they should give up on soon oh yeah we got more let me see if i know do you want me to get

some more numbers if you can and i'll work on that too let me see what's in the map vicinity

here some ike's place a restaurant which is open they closed all right close at the start of the

show one says they're open all right let's see what kind of food they are let's look for yelp

reviews they have this restaurant they got a 4.0 rating on yelp they got them up here on yelp

looking for negative reviews found one already good i'm gonna find a different area because the

restaurant's here in the strip that i'm looking at they're all fucking good i gotta go to san

francisco oh yeah good food there we're in chinatown iced water no ice bathroom door wouldn't

shut okay good i got stuff to work with let's do it jump into if you like buddy yeah i'll mute at

first and they'll jump in for mother's day motherfucker although i'm not able to hear you

my level's all fucked up because i have yeah it's just too loud sounds like they're still

getting slammed damn all that's set up for that okay you got anything going on yet number one

uh yeah i got a couple um there are two more singapore numbers i don't know if you want to

I keep calling overseas, but...

Might as well.

I just don't have any numbers going down tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, I did have a Twitter complainer that looked interesting.

Did I close it?

No, I did not.

Here it is.

This guy in Florida, complaining about some shit.

Is this the Twitter?

Yeah, this is the Twitter one.

Oh, I'm going to try to call this.

I think I already tried to call that.

I thought I did.

It's back there.

Um, alright, let me get to your numbers then, eh?

It's happening again.

okay monger machine tool god damn weird fucking name singapore and singapore is southeast asian

correct am i correct as i don't hear we'll try that again i'm reconnecting bad calling the monger

machine tool uh i clicked on a skype ad that uh clicked on the ad in skype that i could barely

hello yeah is this monger machine tool yes all right okay do you speak english okay yeah i'll

Of course. What do you mean, of course? This is not an American country.

All right, this is not an English-speaking country.

Listen.

No, no, your line is very bad. You're calling from where again?

Oh, I'm calling from Chicago, Illinois.

Okay. I need to order the machine, the main machine.

You want to order machine?

Mm-hmm.

Manual machine?

Yeah, the tool machine.

Which brand? Which model?

Munger.

Yes.

Mm-hmm. Yep, that's it.

No, but I don't get you because your line is very bad.

You say you want to order my shit.

Maybe you're stupid.

Is there someone else I can talk to?

No, your line is bad.

I can barely hear you.

Line is good.

Are you sure you're not stupid?

That's not the problem?

Yeah, maybe I'm not.

Maybe I'm still clever enough for you.

No, not that I'm not.

She's kind of offended by you.

How do I sound to you, Mr. Bass?

Oh, you sound fine.

Okay, thank you.

That was her.

It's all her.

It's long-distance calls on gang networks here that we use.

They have the coconut phone.

They got coconuts over there?

Yeah.

It's tropical, I think, in Singapore.

Palm oil.

A lot of palm oil going on.

It's ruining me.

Yeah.

It's palm oil.

Malaysia, too.

MMP.

It's rampant.

Hello, hey.

Listen, I want to, do you have any property that I can, I can, I want to plant some palm

trees to make palm oil.

Do you have a lot of property there?

Hello?

No, we don't do it.

Yeah, but I make palm oil, and I need a machine, a press, to make palm oil, because I burn 1,000 acres.

I burn 1,000 acres a day of Singapore rainforest just for palm oil to grow it.

I help him.

We're evil American Republicans.

Don't press up oil.

No, but we need machines.

We need machines, motherfucker.

Yeah, damn it.

Smile, bloody man.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

You're talking to a man.

Oh, you're a bloody man.

Bite your bloody manners.

Sometimes they get pissed there.

Yeah, that UK influence show in there.

Yeah.

19th, 18th, no, 19th, 20th century.

I feel like I was going to be a prison bitch.

Smile, bloody man.

You don't talk to men like that.

It's very disrespectful.

Hello?

You don't talk to men like that.

You know you don't talk to men like that.

It's not allowed.

You're getting in big trouble in this country.

Huh?

Hello?

Hello, honey?

right, next one.

Here we go.

Tongue-grey Singapore.

I have no idea what that is.

I have no idea either.

You want to try it?

Sure.

Tongue-grey.

Yeah, it's Tongue-grey?

Hello.

Hello, can you hear me?

Hello, can you speak English, please?

Pardon?

English.

English speaker?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's just the Tongue-grey.

I need the...

I need to have my tongue...

modified so that I can have

x-rays coming out of it.

The prime minister was an effeminate

gay man

and we chew bubble

we like to chew chewing gum

and we spit on the floor

on the sidewalks on the floor outside

all over here and we're

tourists.

So I need to have

some kind of a ray coming out of my

tongue like a laser ray

so I can zap the chewing gum

And make it disappear

And then I could also zap

Zap people for fun

On the street

Like if I were to

Oh no, that's right, that's the king of Thailand

I was going to make

An insult against the king of Thailand

But I forgot, this is Singapore

Yeah, but Singapore, the prime minister died, right?

Oh yeah, that's right

That's funny

Yeah, he was really stupid

He was a stupid, that prime minister was a stupid asshole

Yeah

Yeah. And he died. It's so funny.

Yeah, we were laughing a lot.

Re-laughing.

Oh.

Oh, he didn't.

He did not like that.

Did he really die? Is that what it was?

Because I'm looking it up and there's nothing

online about Singapore's prime minister

dying. Noonoo, you're insane.

Who were we calling before?

Who did he say? What country

is Noonoo talking about? Singapore?

Yeah, I think so.

It says, insult the dead prime minister

of Singapore.

But I'm looking here, and it says the Prime Minister of Singapore

under news, and nothing talks about

a dead Prime Minister.

Unless he's been dead for a long time, maybe.

A long ass time.

It says that the Prime Minister

posted his own C++

program code that he created once.

Wow.

Of a puzzle-solving

computer code he made, I guess,

maybe when he was young. That's kind of interesting.

Or did he just make it himself?

Oh, he made it himself a few years ago

to solve sudoku puzzles wow interesting and he posted it to uh google google a google drive

account i guess and shared it interesting okay yeah i'm looking looking at his wikipedia page

here he's not dead nunu you got bad sources man you're all over the place i mean not he's not

only just not getting numbers that don't answer anymore now he's just got bad intel yeah unless

it like just happened within like the last hour i don't think it's oh maybe maybe is that what it

it is. Nino just says

he died in March, UK.

He died in March. Okay.

That's a while ago, babe. That's past.

I mean, are we in May yet?

I'm surprised the Wikipedia

hasn't been updated. Oh, no, it is.

It actually... That's two months ago, though.

That's old news.

Sorry, Nino. You strike out again.

Sorry, man. Hey, let's continue, right?

Let's do some more calls. We're out of

Singapore numbers. Let me look. I'm going to go to a different

area here on the map machine.

I found a ganky area that might

might be open still in california and give me some negative yelp shit that's all i have to go with

tonight it's called compton or something i gotta get a lonesome loser let him know i'm back he

didn't know i came back from surgery and shit i need him i need his power i need his evil power

stockton california sounds like shit you know anything about stockton you ever been there

uh no i don't think i've ever been to stockton i've been to a couple of those other shithole

areas though okay uh denny's they're gonna have some negative y'all oh there's also uh

still early in like honolulu we could call some banchos if you want all right just a moment

looking for a negative review okay here we go found one now i'm calling calling it denny's

and then right now we got that what you said second we're also gonna be taking a break at

which point i'll be eating a sandwich um i got some hawaiian barbecue pineapple yeah thank you

Keep calling Denny's the part of the way.

Just text me.

I may help you.

Yeah, listen.

I went there for Mother's Day.

And I want to let you know, you could be an amazing place if you didn't have such a horribly unprofessional waitress working there.

Her name is Vicky.

You know Vicky?

I do not know.

She provided my fiancé and I with the worst customer service ever.

First, she walked away when I was still ordering my food.

And then she grabbed the menus and just walked away in the middle of the sentence.

Give me one second, okay?

And I'll finish talking to you, okay?

I had to call another fucking waitress over, motherfucker.

Would you mind holding for me, please?

All right, goddammit.

Oh, Jesus.

And Olga in IRC has got a number.

I'll give it to you here in Skype chat.

Sounds like it could be funny.

No, not IRC.

Okay.

That might be open.

It's here to write out this wait list.

What I think is I could call any Denny's with these same employees.

Plenty of employees.

Yeah.

It's a big, my fiance had to ask for a refill of soda, and she barely acknowledged him.

Oh, my God.

Boo, boo.

I'm entitled.

You acknowledge me, damn it.

The Denny's.

I saved a lot to go out to the Denny's.

Okay, thank you for holding.

This is Destiny.

I saved a lot to go to this Denny's for Mother's Day.

Okay, when did you come in?

This morning?

Yeah.

Oh.

I had a call.

And what would you like me to do for you?

I had to call our waitress over and make sure that she fixed my order for us

because she literally grabbed the menus when I was still ordering

and walked away mid-sentence.

Was it Vicky or Jackie?

Vicky, motherfucker.

It was Vicky?

I don't know.

One of them, yeah.

I'm not going to say, but you know the C word?

That's what I think.

Then she brought our food and walked away, which was fine,

but five seconds later she walked past our booth

and just threw the receipt on our table and kept walking,

and then she guess she thought that she was okay and she just said thank you and i found that

extremely rude because i didn't even get to pull my fork from my napkin yet and she made me feel

very uninvited my fiance had to ask for a refill for his for her for her soda my mom i'm sorry my

mom had to ask her for a refill for her soda and she barely acknowledged her and she came by after

After we were finished eating and asked my mom what soda she had, and she went to get it.

And then she came back and slammed the soda on the counter.

And she was singing very loud in front of customers, and we were sitting and talking.

After we finished, and she came to our table and asked if we were finished yet.

And then she said that she, go to the register now, please, she said.

and she also was yelling across the restaurant to a customer to fix an order.

Really?

And I may seem like I'm rambling, but this is just the worst experience I've ever had.

It's sad to know.

I am so sorry, sir.

That a woman like her is allowed to still work even though she's clearly a horrible employee

and I will definitely never eat at your place again if you yourself are going to be working there

and you are just as rude and unprofessional how am i rude sir because you're saying it with attitude

and it wasn't vicky i do not have an attitude i'm listening to what you're saying

like that all right and then vicky was you know she didn't acknowledge my advances at all

when i tried to talk to her whatsoever i am so sorry for your inconvenience sir because i was

trying to touch her her legs and her thighs and her buttocks and she wasn't like acknowledging at

all you know i just didn't want her to get in trouble you know that was a good way to end it

i wanted to make it obvious that it wasn't because of like this is a three-year-old review so i

thought maybe she doesn't work there but i guess she still does from the sound of it she really

pissed at least one person off three years ago holy shit wow that that was one rambling negative

a review and that lady that was all one review yeah yeah that was just one review from a google

user a google user boy i mean i shit i don't think i would take the effort and that's the

part that i only picked up i picked up exactly where i left off from that girl before so it was

actually dwight messaged me what do you say he's gonna get on uh he just got online he's gonna

join us good good good 11 40 um all right let's keep going for a few more let's do about another

Another 15 minutes, I think, to take that break.

Sounds good.

We'll hook, maybe by then, Dwight will be hooked up.

All right.

Okay.

Do I have more numbers?

From Olga in IRC.

Yummy restaurant in California.

People found worms in their food.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Think they were open for Mother's Day?

No.

It's Sam the bird.

Very stupid, quick joke that'll probably get me hung up on in like five seconds.

All I got.

I'm not a good prank caller, really.

Not anymore.

I love your milk.

Yeah.

Is this the restaurant? Yummy restaurant?

Hi, yeah, you order food for pick-up or de-labeling?

Oh, for pick-up.

Okay, good. What kind of order?

Uh, okay.

One full? One full?

What kind of order?

Full? One full?

Two full?

Yeah.

What kind of tofu?

Uh, with heat. Cooked with heat.

Oh, you eat heat?

Well, hot. Hot tofu. Cook it.

Hot, spicy tofu?

Yeah.

Oh, hot, spicy tofu.

Do you have the Mapo, Mapo, Mapo, Mapo.

Mapo, Mapo, okay.

Sorry for interrupting.

Okay, and my name is, do you want my name?

Only one of them, Mapo, Mapo.

Yeah, one General Tso chicken.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

All right.

Yeah.

And my name is Mr. Bird.

Okay, two orders.

Yeah, and I want worms, worms.

And what kind?

Worms.

I want worms.

Yeah, come and pick up, eh?

I want worms there.

I want to eat the worms.

I'm a bird.

Oh, you eat he?

He's like a...

And I'm his baby bird.

Yeah, I'm going to chew up the food and put it in his mouth like a baby bird.

Yeah.

It's a game we play.

Pick up the phone.

Oh, does she pick up the phone?

Hello?

Does your wife have a nice ass?

Yeah, you order the food.

Come here, pick up, or what?

Yeah, we pick up.

Pick up, motherfucker.

Yeah, we pick up.

And then we're going to touch your buttocks when we pick it up?

I want to kiss you when I come down there and kiss your wife.

Oh, 10 minutes, okay?

I'm going to kiss you.

Kiss you.

Kiss kissing.

You know kissing?

I don't know, yeah.

You know how to kiss?

You know what is kissing?

Yeah, I go, muah, muah, you.

I want muah, muah, you.

Yeah, you come here all the time.

Yeah, licking too.

Licking.

Do you stop licking?

Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah, I want to kiss you.

Do you stop licking?

I want to kiss you.

Stupid.

You stupid.

Okay.

Stupid.

Oh, sorry.

I don't know.

Okay.

You stupid.

Oh, shit.

We're like 10 years old again, man.

Yeah.

It's fun.

It is fun.

Thank you, Olga.

Was Olga you said?

Yes.

Yeah.

Olga is also close to that American restaurant.

American restaurant.

That's all the info I have.

All right.

American restaurant.

I'm going to call my buddy's butt.

Hey, boy.

I need to make an order.

Okay.

What are you getting?

I'm going to put Mr. Baz on the line.

Go ahead, buddy.

Yeah, we want to make an order.

First of all, I want to ask, how's the action tonight?

The action?

Yeah.

And what's that?

Oh, we're just curious what's going on out there.

We've been in the restroom here for, oh, about the last four hours.

So we'd like to make an order if you can bring it to the restroom.

Ha ha.

Oh, well.

He didn't like that too much.

No.

Let's see if I can talk to him.

He didn't know where to go with that.

All right, good.

Numbers are coming in from Dwight.

Excellent.

All right.

Hey, buddy.

Five Spurs is there.

I'm going to help you.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, seriously, can we make an order, please?

Do you want to place an order to go to here?

Well, can you guys just swing it by?

Yeah, we're in the stall.

He's like, fuck it, fuck it.

What's up, Dwight?

Oh, shit, sir.

Shit, man.

What did you do today?

Where were you?

Mother's Day, huh?

Mother's Day, yeah.

You remember that Mother's Day?

What did you do?

Did you barbecue or did you go out?

I barbecued.

I ate some burgers and brats.

Nice.

Worked on a fucking lawnmower.

America.

Sorry, eating my salad.

All right, Dwight, let me grab your numbers.

Any heads up on what you sent while I copy-paste those?

They were numbers from last night that I didn't use.

And some Twitter complainers, some Craigslist stuff.

And I'm working on grabbing some other stuff.

That works.

I'm headed there now with the first one, who is a no-name,

who gives free estimates on tree work, plumbing, and solar electric work.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, I did call him yesterday, but he kept telling me, oh, call me back tomorrow, call me back tomorrow.

Okay.

It's tomorrow.

I think I remember that.

Browning with your phone.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah.

I'm trying to, I called you yesterday about some estimates.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry I was in the middle of some stuff yesterday, man.

We were playing a show down in Pahoa.

Oh, I got you.

Okay.

Yeah.

Where are you located?

You know where Maple and Green meet up at?

No.

No?

Oh, geez.

What's that?

What state are you in?

I'm in your, I'm like, I swear to God, like 10, 15 minutes from you.

I just got this cell phone.

I just moved here.

Where?

Where did I move to?

Just over here to Green.

Where's Green?

Do you know where Horse Machine Ranch Road is?

Is that a new development out here?

Honolulu.

What state?

The state, yes.

Hawaii?

Yeah, in Honolulu.

That'd be Hawaii's.

I'm not in Honolulu, bro.

I'm on the Big Island.

No, I said that's where I am now, but I live on the Big Island, motherfucker.

fucker always with the big island and these people oh we don't do mac we do pc

i was scrambling i'm like demon i gave that to carlito i'm looking i'm like yeah

yeah yeah these are all right now he was just blasted into his phone yesterday and i was just

like my god he's playing a gig he said i guess he just kept answering the phone

I don't know what the fuck he was doing now.

Free twin-size box spring.

No mattress, I guess.

Hi, you dialed 671-074.

I know what I dialed.

Okay.

Let's try to call the guy in the Big Island back.

I'll talk to him.

Let me change the caller ID and talk to him.

See if he falls for it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, my name is Eddie.

I was calling because you had put an ad regarding tree work.

I have some trees down after a storm, and I'm starting to get letters now from, I guess, the city.

Where are you located?

I'm on the Big Island.

Do you know where the Taco Bell is on Papipo Road on Ewa Beach?

On Big Island?

Yeah.

No.

I mean, I could send you the address and all that, but I'm on the Big Island, yes.

I'm not sure of the address.

I don't think you're in Kona.

Yeah, well, you know, Papipi, it's Papipi Road.

You know where Ewa Beach, Ewa Beach is?

No.

Oh, it's over there.

There's a Taco Bell and a Pizza Hut there.

Anyway, I have two.

Huh?

I'm looking to get a helo.

What?

Do you know what I'm saying?

A helo?

Maybe, yeah.

I don't know.

I gotta go, man.

Come on, honey.

No, come on.

I'll kiss you.

Don't go.

You guys sure ask a billion fucking questions.

God damn it.

I know.

You gotta live right in my neighborhood, man.

Read me off your driver's license number right now.

once you want a social security number

shit shit i want a dick suck a deposit

damn all right excuse me call on the

box spring again see if they pick up

this time if not we'll move on

all right no mattress moving on uh we

got a cop uh twitter complainer regarding

comcast apparently what do you got she's

she sounded like miss personality didn't

she yeah hi uh yeah y'all right there uh

In that same deal, I should have Comcast's corporate number in there

if you want to use that.

Yes.

I had it formatted for Colorific.

All right, cool.

Yeah, but I can just copy and paste that here.

That's right.

My color ID won't change.

Government, they're on to you.

It looks like it's not changing, obviously.

That was just not updating.

Did you play Tupac Dear Mama from Mother's Day?

No, I played it in awesome.

I'm sure Tupac would appreciate this.

Tupac said it on everybody.

He was better than Michael Jordan.

Okay, this beat's killing me.

Sorry.

Again?

Anyway.

All right, I am looking for the reason I'm having trouble with the caller ID changing.

I'm not.

Just a moment, please.

Well, the webpage shows that it's being changed, so I'm going to go with that.

Okay.

I thought so.

I'll be doing it.

All right.

Anyway, sorry for the delay there, and we're probably going to be doing this and taking our break.

So here we go for who complained about a black bar once he logs into his email.

All right, we'll try to give him some extended support machine.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Hello, I'm calling from...

You put in a ticket regarding a problem with a black bar

once you log into your email?

I did.

Okay, can I help you out with that now?

What do you want to do?

Do you have the computer in front of you?

I do.

Okay, all right.

So where do you go to log in to the email?

Can you walk me through the steps as you're doing them,

and I'll see if I can help you?

I go to...

Uh-huh.

To sign in.

Okay.

And I sign in.

Are you doing it now?

I am.

Okay, all right.

All right, and then what happens now?

It says sign in.

It clicks to a new page that says sign in.

Okay.

Email, username, password, sign in.

All right, so go ahead and put in your username.

Yeah, let me put it in again.

I have to put the phone down.

All right, can you tell me what it is as you're putting it in, please?

I really can't hear you.

Hey, hello.

Can you tell me what it is as you're typing it in?

My email?

Yes.

There's some...

Oh, okay, of course.

Go ahead and try and come back, okay?

So, I'm in my email.

Okay.

And I'm going to use the address...

Can you pick up the phone again like normal?

Can you pick up the phone like normal again?

Under the address bar, there's a black and red bar that usually says Timothy and sign out.

Okay.

And it doesn't matter which mail address I sign in.

Okay.

That is.

Okay.

All right.

Can I give you a web address to go to that will remove this black bar plug-in?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. It's gloryholefoundation.com.

Ma'am, did you get that?

Yes.

All right. Can you go to that and let me know what you see, please?

I see a bio-life lead.

Okay. Okay. All right.

The word gloryholefoundation.

That's it.

It seems to rise in the community into a website.

All right. And go ahead and enter the website.

and this will remove the plug-in that's causing the black bar okay now did it did it remove the

black bar now i put a virus on your computer i put a virus because it's my last i work for

and i'm quitting tonight because they treat me like shit so i just thought i'd fuck with some

of you guys you customers i hate you people so much you're so rude to us on the phone you know

know that but yeah i gave you a virus of a computer virus so um do you have a best buy

you can take the computer to hello

i

oh wow oh fuck

I had to yell at Dashie.

I was like, get on the stream.

He's about to GHF an old lady.

I don't know if she had a stroke, if she was just like mush mouth, like prank master.

I don't know what was going on there, man.

I just looked up the total time of people watching that video.

It is now up to 145 days, 16 hours, and 14 minutes.

Why did you do that?

Yeah.

Wow.

A lot of people watching that concurrently, huh?

Carlito said, or not Carlito, she said that you just GHF'd Dedede's mom.

Yeah, right, that's who it was.

Aw, come on, Dedede's mom's been dead for a while now.

I remember when she died.

Aw, poor my dad.

Hey, I gotta take a break, how about that?

Sorry, but I do, I gotta get some food in me, some foods, yeah.

When I come back, we got more calls coming up.

That was a fun call to do, man.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

We got a lot more numbers from Ken.

Ken, thank you, Ken, for sending in numbers.

I appreciate it.

We've got people complaining about United Airlines.

Wow.

More Comcast complainers.

I challenge you to glory hole somebody.

Dwight, let's see if you can.

That one's accepted.

Yay!

All right, I'll be right back.

It's going to be about seven minutes.

Bye.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

I will be back.

When you put your GPS in your box, and a trap door at the bottom, you die.

When a trap door at the bottom appears, and you go straight down.

Matt House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Everybody, Matt House Radio back for second half.

More like second third, you know?

Third, third, whatever.

Last third, final third.

With me here right now is anybody?

Anyone here?

Dwight?

Yes, I'm here.

Baz?

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, you're here.

Okay.

Let's get back to the pranks.

Unless I missed something.

Shit don't stink.

No, shit don't stink.

Free fancy pet rat.

Ew.

I don't think rats are pets.

I think somebody just had some rats over on their Hawaiian home.

They're like, hey, we can make some money here.

They're pets, okay.

Reason for the milk.

Did you ever drink rat milk?

I know they did on The Simpsons.

Nope.

yes hello you have free fancy pet rat oh yeah yeah does does the rat make milk no not that i

know of is it a girl rat or a boy rat oh okay all right what's the rat's name i named it oh

did you find it outside no no no i just have a a bunch that i have i i don't name them oh you

don't name them what do you keep before then why just for my daughters oh yeah do your daughters

like to play with them yeah how big are the rat sexual organs i have no idea all right do will

the rats fit inside my uh sexual organ you think like the anus um probably but that's pretty

disgusting but we could try that you'd have to you'd have to put yourself to going to an animal

to get that type of gratification a feeling oh yeah wriggling you like the wriggling feeling

yeah i work in the operating room and i've seen guys like you get coke bottles stuck in there

Oh, God.

And we have to surgically remove it.

Oh, yeah?

So, yeah.

I don't think the rat would do very well.

Well, it happened.

He hung the fuck up.

What an asshole.

He hung the fuck up.

That was stupid.

He said he's seen guys like you in the operating room.

Coke bottles.

When asked about the Coke bottles, it's you.

Go ahead, Dwight.

All right.

Please leave your message for 8-0.

He's way off in singing this.

Let's follow up with our person.

I forgot I still have that lady.

I really wonder if she's just older.

Some people speculate a stroke, I guess.

Baz was saying.

Are you kidding me?

Hello?

Yes, ma'am.

We got cut off.

I was trying to help you out with your computer system.

I'm the one that you put a virus on, Michael.

Well, I have my supervisor on the line.

He said I had to call to apologize, and he's going to walk you through fixing it.

Go ahead, Mr. Dwight.

Oh, hello, ma'am. How are you?

Well, my name is Dwight McClanahan, and I have the credentials.

I have the employee ID.

Well, I'm calling from the corporate center, the headquarters.

If you look at your caller ID, this is our headquarters number.

Well, I can give that information to you if you'd like.

Yeah, would you like me to give you that information?

Would you like the telephone number?

I'm at the corporate headquarters, and I can give you our telephone number.

I'll be in the morning.

Okay, well, would you like me to help you fix your computer tonight?

I have to ask.

I'm sorry, Dwight, before we lose her.

Sure.

Ma'am, are you just really overweight or old, or did you have a stroke?

Why do you talk like that?

Funny.

Oh, because I had surgery on my face and lost half of my teeth, as well as half of my face.

Is there anything else you want to know about my disability?

Did you get punched in the face for being an asshole?

It cost me $250,000 so that idiots like you could call me and make fun of me and destroy my computer.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, boy.

We got to the bottom of that one.

I didn't destroy her computer.

Does she even want to turn it back on yet?

Do you know if she's still on the site?

Can you tell?

Or dashing?

I'm going to go take a look.

She's still sitting there like, what do I do?

Now I feel that she lost half her teeth.

I forget what her location was.

I don't think anyone's actively on right now.

She lost half her teeth and half her face.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, there's nobody actively on there right now.

I feel bad now.

Yo, shit don't stay.

All right.

That's really...

i really hope she was just exaggerating about half the face

maybe what happened to her um she called it her disability that's horrible okay oh my god

one block to beach house to share in a very nice area we got here so in la

the person's name is ken ken you want to call it talk to ken okay sure actually no because i think

i've talked to this asshole before oh okay yeah you got a house to share yeah yeah so you just

just one block from the beach that's pretty good man 120 bucks what's the catch this is the dream

fucking place sounds like god damn did you read the ad it said uh i didn't see the female no

problem hey thanks for calling oh man come on man please come on what kind of creepy dude's like

all right listen i need someone to move into my house but you're a female only yeah all right

the way he sounds too you should i can understand that with a gay guy or something but not not just

some creepy list i want to move some hot snatch into my house for only 120 bucks you know it's

like yeah you're gonna suck my you know somebody's gonna be sucking some dick for right

damn um but you should have given me a heads up all right this guy says he's got a shared room

with a private deck 350 dollars with existing uh college male student all right i don't think

I think he says female, and we're good.

$40 application fee for credit check.

What the fuck, dude?

Joanne.

Okay.

Trying again.

Much quicker that time.

Okay, next.

Josh.

Comcast customer says, thanks.

No speed is back to normal.

Seems to have slow...

Or someone was complaining about low speeds, apparently.

And might have already gotten a reply asking if their shit was okay.

So, good.

Let's call.

I'm bothered.

Deserve this.

Dwight, you want to take it?

Sure.

Which one is this?

Josh.

This is Josh.

Josh.

The number you are trying to call is not reachable.

Not reachable.

Forgot it.

Never mind.

We have nothing.

I have to keep putting you on the spot here.

The next one is Josh Peters.

Same kind of thing, I guess, right?

Get United, though, if you want to use their number.

Okay.

Let me resell him.

I'll try this one.

You going to do it?

Yeah, I'll give this one a shot.

Hi, you've reached Josh.

Please leave your name, number, the best time.

No, we'll try again.

Hi, you've reached Josh.

Please leave your name.

No.

We'll try tonight to cut up those celebrity calls.

Yeah, man, that's great.

I can't believe it.

I would have totally nerded out on the guy about Star Trek.

Yeah, Gordo, well, see, I didn't know him from Star Trek.

I knew him from Doom and Judge Dredd.

Dude, I don't remember.

all i remember from doom is the rock and that really shitty first person part of the movie

yeah the guy that was doing the first person the one that had died or whatever yeah oh that's the

dude oh shit wow yeah that's the guy the guy that played uh basically second fiddle to the rock yeah

i guess well i don't remember much of the movie i think i think you're right yeah and then uh he

was the new dread which that that just cracked me the fuck up yeah told him he was not the law

and he went into the whole fucking spiel.

He got into it, dude.

Then he's like,

have I stayed in this hotel under my real name or something?

And you're like, yeah.

And he's like, fuck.

He's going to fire his agent.

This next weekend, Wizard World isn't at any place,

so we'll be taking a break.

Trying to reach the celebs.

Yeah, she's cruel as hell.

He wanted you to ask that person

if they got a bunch of money from the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, my God.

Uh, no, I feel bad for that lady.

I don't know, she was, like, shot in the face or something, you know what I mean?

And she called it her disability, and I feel bad.

Oh, boy.

Um, dude, the chick in that Judge Jordan movie was fun.

Yeah, she was.

The psychic one.

Yeah.

That was something else.

Yeah.

Sexy.

I don't care what she was being.

The black man was raping her in her mind.

Picking her up and raping her.

Well, she was enjoying it.

Yeah.

Like, being raped, but kind of like, you know.

That's what that made it look like.

i don't know how oh my god yeah didn't she have pink nipples i think yeah i believe she did

i think i paused on that for a few minutes no hell awkward oh yeah we've seen here we go

welcome to the toy box all right next what do we got silva uh this is the last on my list i don't

know if you've added to this since yeah i uh put a few more in all right we get that silva staying

staying at a motel is that what's going on you take a look so so oh no it's a house for

for rent apartment or something to share gotcha big eyes this would be where the action's happening

for that crack whore that he kept calling to the kept playing use a hoe in the text to speech oh

yeah last night right didn't i talk to her too did i say some shit to her oh i'm sure we all

i'll talk to her i think we're talking to that bitch crack yeah because she's like are you coming

or what or whatever yeah playing on my phone playing on my phone and she was just picking

up the hotel room phone all right yeah yeah then the guy got on he was being all being an

asshole to mistress morgan yeah hey guy here's uh honolulu here's the store let's see what

uh he had to bail home target pharmacy and international market

there's uh another hotel that i sent the arrow hotel it's a dial in yeah oh dial

and uh or and then a couple hotel guests also

i usually start at 115 111 was uh still there yesterday he's a real

asshole while i try that asshole please you're gonna rush nope because i lost my this uh the

crack or you uh dash it says you can dial right into her she wants room uh no she's a different

location oh okay here i'll put it in the main chat so you don't have to jog back and forth

hey man that lady was hilarious and you got these other disney ones right from last night

or ones that i know these are different people oh these are different people all together

yeah if you want that uh that hilt number i can look that up too their call center people are

funny okay yeah i told you i know that that's kind of different characters or fucked them or

sexually assaulted them in some way you know there have been there was a guy to play tigger

that got in a sexual assault trial he got exonerated but they said that he had um the

girl said that he had touched her breasts and it's like it was impossible like when they showed

with the costume and stuff like it's like an oversized hand like the size of like a laptop

like there's no way he was groping anybody you know what i mean like how do you do you know what

i mean it's just it's like dialing a telephone with a nerf bag kind of i'm doing it disney

disney sponsor of madhouse convention number two answer the phone tonight she don't want to pick

up right there's the hotel number we'll dial to her room i wonder if she had any customers at all

yesterday i don't know dashie kept calling her she was just begging for work we had a bunch of

recordings where that guy was yelling back at the text-to-speech thing thank you for calling

parquet barres this is marcus how may i help you hey marcus uh i need room 440 please okay thank

you i'm gonna get the shit with this place she got a butthole full of dick right now yeah she's

She's got a customer or something, dude.

Let's see if there's any Yelp check-ins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me look around here in Honolulu.

I got a second wind now.

Maybe I'll keep going.

Here's one in Honolulu.

Somebody just checked into the curry house.

Oh, snap.

All right.

Let's order some food.

Lori, okay.

Mm-hmm.

If you want to angle, tell her her dogs just got hit.

Her dogs, okay.

They had two little pug-looking things.

How do I know?

My neighbor or something?

Yeah.

Yes, hi.

I need to speak to someone who's eating there right now.

Lori.

Lori. Can you ask for Lori?

Lori?

Uh-huh. Yes, hi, Lori.

Okay, yeah, I'm calling about your dogs.

You live on Kapiolani Boulevard, right?

No, we don't.

Did you used to?

No.

Your dogs are microchipped?

Your dog is microchipped and shows up as living in that area?

What, our dog?

Yeah, I have your dog's carcass, your dog's body here,

and I guess you have it microchipped, your dog, in case it gets lost?

why would you be calling curry house uh because it's your uh information forwarded that you were

at this location per the microchip information in your dog's bodies the carcass of your dead

dog's body okay i don't know your dog is dead oh she's like what the fuck something's up

he's talking about our dog i should have done the time agent angle i was like

don't eat the fucking tikka masala there it goes there it goes it released um here's one from new

york yeah we have a dearth of numbers tonight it'd be hard to fight the new york attitude

koreatown she's checked in some restaurant uh king of new york pizzeria okay yes hello i need

need to speak to a guest who's uh dining in there right now her name is ashley ashley hall there is

the one but there's what there's only one customer in here and it's a guy oh that's yeah it's a guy

it's him oh okay yeah give me one sec what's his name uh uh uh hugh i'm sorry i can't hear you

you you yeah okay what about it yeah i need to talk to them please one second who's talking

oh this is eddie eddie uh-huh what's his name sorry about that you can you just please what

Ashley, it's Ashley.

The name is Ashley.

Okay, give me one second.

Faggot.

I think he's asking, are you Ashley?

He's like, what?

What motherfucker?

Is it the location on Western and 3rd?

Yes, King of New York.

Okay, give me one second.

What's he checking?

Oh, yeah.

You've got to be Ashley.

Okay, I guess I'm Ashley.

Hello.

What's a big dude killing him right now?

He's beating off.

I am.

Oh, my God.

He's fapping it hard.

All right, so there's no one by the name of your right now.

Well, you're a motherfucker, all right?

You know that?

Okay, thank you very much.

Yeah, fuck you.

Bye.

Funker.

So I don't know what else to do with him, so I called him motherfucker.

Okay.

I'm going to try that crack whore again.

She's got to pick up.

She's there.

She's going to pick up.

You got to believe, Dwight.

I believe.

Fuck that crack hoe.

Apparently, the lady that you put the virus on her computer has been communicating with

Oh.

What's this?

I was checking Twitter complainers.

What do we got?

What's the update?

she says x is going to fix and uh as of uh as of three minutes ago says uh we will assist you in

removing any viruses or malicious software from your computer again it is free and then they also

respond i'm sorry that you were the victim of a prank but the call was not from the link i provided

for i

gotta make a youtube video and i gotta i gotta include

the images of these tweets now i'll send you the tweet uh link right to your thing here awesome

thank you oh shit oh great okay that was a fun laugh that lady's funny i feel bad though that

that i made fun of her i really do i didn't know i just thought maybe she was she was a little slow

yeah yeah i just happened to i was like all right i'm gonna grab some more twitter complainers for

carlito and then i'm like wait a minute i know that name that's that's a weird name i just thought

she was like 500 pounds you know like you know like i thought that's what it was but poor poor

lady oh shit okay is she uh what we got oh oh fuck okay she's she's been tweeting up a storm about

you and uh about other shit all right what else oh jesus hang on i gotta get to the fucking

beginning here all right all right here we go her first tweet better not tell you have problems

with email or service they will call and sputnik a porn virus on your computer sputnik as of 32

minutes ago 24 minutes ago i hope every customer cancels their subscription to punish jerks like

Like this, uh, this on, I remember bullies like, like these people who would 23 minutes

ago, push the mentally retarded kids around because they could the bully internet provider

wishing porn off on it.

Or yeah, wishing, I think she meant about pushing, but she wishing porn off on innocent

customers 19 minutes ago, he was called again, wanting to fix my computer this time.

What would the reasonable man expect a paid technician, my choice to fix?

You should run your shit together.

You have the best mic.

18 minutes ago.

Of course, this just proves that you can mess with personal computers, customers they want to hassle.

14 minutes ago.

go some people are so hateful so envious so uneducated as to think that hurting others is a

is funny a prank a joke just bullies look that walked into that i did not mean to go directly

well i think i guess i did kind of ask her but i didn't know it was an accident you know i just

thought she was really fat or maybe she was like prank master whatever prank master has you know

dead. That's a shit of

palsy. Anyway, what else we got?

Anything else?

Yeah, there's one I missed.

This number just called me and said

he was from... Now there is porn

all over my computer. It put the number that we

called from, which is corporate headquarters.

Fucking Michelle.

Damn. Like I said,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9, 10, 11,

12. There's about a dozen.

A dozen or so

tweets within the last 45 minutes yeah well okay i'm not trying to be say something mean

but if you have a problem where you've lost the ability to talk a lot then that translates to

maybe you're communicate as much as you can through your fingers you didn't lose half her

face i can i see the picture really there's a picture what did she get a car accident is that

they'll fix that she had oral surgery big deal it's not her disability is it really let me look

Look at this.

Are there pictures of her at all?

I don't know.

Right there.

It's not right in there.

The main chat.

It looks like the gums are just gone, so her face is pushed in a little bit.

Oh.

So it looks like just a teeth issue.

A tooth issue.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder what happened.

She's got a weird fucking name.

Oh, yeah.

She took a hit, though.

Something happened to her.

Maybe she got mouth cancer.

I don't know.

She got it from probably doing too much chew.

she's a video producer environmentalist environmental activist yeah okay i'm gonna

keep her page up just in case she tweets anymore yeah please do i'm breaking new

all right what else do we got anything oh yeah i'm grabbing numbers i had to stop with her

fucking her rant that's awesome i open up the page to get twitter complaints it's like the

third one down i'm like let me just call this lady oh shit um there's a walmart here but god

all right fine it's something to do all right loads let's play the lows game while you get

some numbers here i think this is the one where our friend works the guy that sounds like chief

forgot his name but i think this is the one wasn't it chris or something i think so well i think i

don't think it's i think it's a honolulu one this is the maui one or this is the kalua kona thank

Thank you for calling Rose.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For information on delivery, press 1.

Transferring to flooring.

Please hold.

We'll probably go to the front desk anyway.

Hey, go on, Marge.

Yeah, hey, how are you?

Is this floor?

No, but this is floor, right?

Floor?

No, this is not flooring.

What do you do?

Home decor.

You're decor?

Home decor.

This is blinds and shade.

Oh, wow.

And you're a man and you do that?

Wow.

Hey, can I get tools?

Can you what?

Can I get tools, because I know I'll talk to a man there in tools.

I thought you wanted floors.

No, I put tools.

Oh, okay, well, you get floors.

Yeah, because I thought you said floor because you have, like, an accent, a Kaneka accent, you know?

Okay, what you're going to have to do is probably...

Well, you put...

Why don't you put me through the...

You put me through the operator, motherfucker.

Come on.

Excuse me?

You put me through the operator, motherfucker.

Come on, you got to help me.

Come on.

Not if you're talking to me like that.

service okay call back thank you for calling low i gotta hear the options

for information on deliveries press one for scheduled installations press two commercial

sales press three appliances press four lumber and building materials press five flooring press

Press 6. Hardware and tools.

Yes.

Press 7.

Stop it.

For more departmental...

I knew it.

Press 8. Answering to hardware and tools.

Tool world.

You love tool world, don't you, Dwight?

I've been to tool world a couple times.

Yeah, it's good, man.

They built it so the fucking shoplifters could be watched.

Yeah, didn't they?

Yeah, it's like a closed-in area.

There's one way out, and they have cameras everywhere.

It's like the electronics department.

It used to be.

Electronics department used to be like that.

Not anymore.

I'm on front desk.

Listen, it's taking a long time to get someone on the phone.

I mean, wow.

Can you help me get a hold of someone in tools?

One moment, please.

Okay.

She rolled her eyes.

This took a long time.

I hate when customers get like that sometimes.

Tools.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Hey, yeah, I'm trying to get this tool figured out here

that I need to get ordered for the machine.

Okay, what's up?

It's a main tool.

A main tool.

Okay, what is that?

It has the buttons and it goes.

Buttons and it goes.

You should be more specific.

I have the item number.

Can you look it up on the computer?

Sure, absolutely.

Are you ready?

No.

One second.

stupid okay go for it it's four three four five three nine four oh hold on four three four five

you say four three four five three nine yeah that's a barbecue sauce yeah what's it called

barbecue sauce no what does it say it says something else it says red thumb but barbecue

yeah um so how do i apply this on my on the butt exactly because this is for analingus right

they sell like they got wacky shit here like i just put it but in the low search they also got

a 100 count butt splice wire connector i want to see they got a whole bunch of shit this is but

Porter Cable Hinge

Butt Template Kit.

Why are they selling

fucking

Rub Some Butt 18-ounce mustard

marinade sauce?

It's not enough to sell a grill

that they gotta try to upsell with that shit.

They also sell, yeah, they sell a

seasoning blend, and

they also have a

three-pack, which also includes

a Kansas City

version

of the marinade

grenade sauce wow you didn't want to say it all right we'll call back right fucker we'll call

it for the part motherfucker you want to try one i'll give you the item number sure all right uh

you try item number hang on i'll just say hey i can give you a link to the page there you go link

to the page that should that should work that should pull up all the butts and we'll do it

rub some mustard some butt thank you for calling mom for directions to the store press one

transferring

please hold

oh no transfer

I don't know

what option

they have

to fuck that

8

I'm at 5

then 8

thank you

calling live

for information

on delivery

transferring

to lumber

and building

materials

please hold

oh here you go

Bruce you see him

mhm

come on asshole

eventually goes to the

desk

and they get

someone quick

usually on the

radio I think

Tommy there's

your call

yeah I was

looking for

someone in

plumbing

hang on

hurry the fuck

up

well it sounds

Sounds like a good porno name.

Rubs an apple.

Touch it.

It's got this little...

Oh yeah.

We should call Zappos. We haven't talked to them in a long time.

It has been a while.

Their racist jokes.

Send over your bee.

I would like to see what their joke is now.

Okay. I'm looking for the number. I got it already.

what's the guy in plumbing actually in the bathroom testing the plumbing

testing the pipe

all right we're gonna have to grab a piece of pvc off the shelf to fix this

oh i'm sorry there's nobody in plumbing can i take a message for them

no no i'm looking for an item can you look it up for me all right

right number it's uh let's see here uh 458802 and it's oh it's a sos order okay well what's it come

up as because i i tried this with someone else the other day and we had an issue what's coming

up on your end coming up as a sos wild sports we don't carry the distance no no yeah but what's

the description because it's all distorted on my screen sos atg wild sports yeah well the full

thing says i think wild sports green bay packers outdoor cornhole party game have you uh ever been

cornholed outside there baby that's all it says oh okay listen i know how to play this game um

i'm gonna go to the store and get some corn on the cob you want to come over and i put it in

your bottle why not it's fun i'll butter it for you i'm a gentleman is there anything else i could

do for you sir yeah what time you get off work you want to go get some coffee wait a minute ma'am

I got an item number.

Can you look it up for me, please?

I'm sorry.

I'm serious.

Hello?

Oh, man.

Let's see if we can...

She'll hang right up on us now, probably.

So we got to hope for pickups now.

Shoot.

Thank you for calling alone.

Shit, damn it.

For information on the list for millwork, press transferring to paint.

Please hold.

Paint.

Come on, paint.

Coming there for a call?

yes i need to speak with electrical she's mumbling these motherfuckers

i believe so this fucking lady has a real vendetta with the usps the one that we talked

to with comcast yeah she does yeah she's she bitches like anything wrong with her packages

and shit she's fucking tweeting out i'm like you motherfuckers you think they they took her teeth

probably then maybe the ones right um so barb in idaho is complaining about urts hurts uh he

He got an email with all the same questions at some point,

and someone in your company needs to step up and fix your mistake.

Some kind of mistake with Hertz around the car, I guess, huh?

Right?

Some chick complaining?

Um, yeah.

What was the mistake?

I forgot what the mistake was.

Too bad for her.

She doesn't really explain it.

Oh, there is a Twitter link, but...

Local fraud.

Your dad isn't trying to get help all day on the phone.

Hours now driving to the airport because of your mistake.

Some kind of mistake with the car.

Big deal.

Probably his dad.

Their dad probably reserved a car and then it wasn't there,

so now they have to go pick him up or something.

Oh, shit.

So they just decided they had to go ahead.

All right.

Hi, you've reached.

Well, she ain't got me reaching her.

Dude, next we have one, though, that I'm excited about.

It's United Airlines being the worst airline ever.

That's all they got to say about the situation.

I think that's great.

I think that's a libel.

Liable.

Slander.

Oh, they're piscus.

Some, uh, the airline people, the stewardesses, kicked an autistic daughter off a plane for their behavior.

Oh, yes.

And Gary Twain booed photography.

Unable to.

Yeah, I heard about that, and I was actually trying to prank another Twitter complainer earlier.

Not this one, but the dude in Orlando, but it wasn't big enough.

For the same reason, he was upset about that.

I guess the girl was autistic, and they kicked her and the mom off the plane.

The girl's probably like, I'm a choo-choo.

We're really getting nowhere.

Calling people to images, and Gary Twain booed.

Is that it? I'm done. It's one o'clock in the morning.

Wait, wait, wait. I just found something

you'll love. What? Because I think this

person may still be on the plane.

On the plane? Nice.

His real name is

Andrew J.

And let me give you

his tweet. That's the thing now, man.

Please help us.

The plane is hot and stale.

I'm sick of it. May we do plane?

Oh, sweet. Okay.

Alright. He's on the plane.

and tell him to shut up and sit the fuck down

and behave. You got a number?

I got it here. For United?

I got it. His number.

His number's right there, I believe.

You're missing digits.

That's the stashy's tool.

Shit, there's nothing I can do about that.

Fuck, that would've been so good.

They're stuck on the tarmac.

It can't be hard to look this up.

Yeah, I'm copying.

I'm copying as we speak right now.

I'm gonna call this guy.

We're on the tarmac.

yeah shit come on a non-profit you would think they would yeah i know right look up that area

is area code i found them i found where they are i got it i got it i got a match i'm on it here we

go let's see if you pick some oh uh do i i need a caller id uh for united yeah yep hang on documents

numbers i got united's caller id somewhere in here it is okay we have this in your dogs

can you talk to me okay all right now we can do it now we can prank meet up there for a second

your uh comcast lady is still pissed is she what's she saying now comcast bullies want to know why i

talk funny oh two one two hundred fifty thousand dollars to cut off half my face and teeth can't

you tell me the picture oh my god really call her back just tell her to cut it out before i'll tell

i really do toy i'll call back after the show apologize to her privately

probably tell her to quit feeling sorry for yourself no especially if it was an accident

that means she i'm not gonna do it worse if you're born with it you're born with it you know

you it's what you know with the half and had lost oh great someone just put her twitter out there on

the in the irc there's no good could come of this do it on the plane when i answer the phone that

sucks that would have been great that whole plane would have been in an uprising i was talking to

do you know they told me to shut the fuck up yeah i was looking to tell like all right you can get

out but don't tell anyone else you can't tell anyone else we're gonna let you out only arby

says he's gonna harass that lady more than michelle i was already doing so i had arby

hey um do we have anything else you got anything lingering uh no i think danimal posted something

but i haven't looked yeah i'm done thanks it's one it's time thank you man we've been over

we're we're through i was actually sending numbers i appreciate it see you man no problem

have a good night that's dwight the show's every week here on tuesday nights 10 p.m eastern 7

pacific as well as on saturday nights 10 p.m 7 pacific i'll be here again next sunday at 10 p.m

eastern 7 p.m pacific at least that's what the plan is i don't always stick to my plan but that

would be my plan uh other than that um y'all have a good week i'll try to see if i can maybe do a

a daytime show this week i didn't get a newspaper anybody out there listening uh live or to the

podcast later um i hope to have this episode up within 24 hours you can send me some local ads

if it's not too late i'd appreciate it see if i can get to those tomorrow tuesday it would be

nice to do a daytime show tomorrow i got nothing on my schedule tomorrow maybe i'll do a daytime

show tomorrow we'll see we'll see all right catch you guys later happy mother's day to all the

mothers bye

Calls (46, 1 h 43 min of 2 h 56 min)

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