As Long As You’re Clean

Shut the fuck up.

I'll pay people.

Show your ass up wherever you want to, and I'll cut your throat.

Hey.

Lose motherfuckers right now.

Fuck you, Satan.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fucked you sons of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid comments.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Excuse me, Ricky.

Ricky, Ricky, I did see what you were doing.

It felt good, didn't it?

It's all right. We all have feelings like this sometimes.

I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room.

When you're a little bit older, we'll have to talk more about these feelings

and what causes them and how we can control these feelings.

I'm sorry I intruded on your privacy.

I'll be sure to knock next time, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.

And now, attendants and fans watching around the clock.

This is a show.

I must be your husband because you sound like a woman.

You offering to do yards, lawn mowing?

Yes, one second, okay?

Obviously, I told you.

Be a man, not a woman.

Hey, guy.

A CED lawn service?

service yeah yeah i got my bad shut up i got a three and a half acre uh ranch here how much

would you charge come out mow that motherfucker once uh once a week and a half acres yeah how

much it would how long it would take with a push mower and a weed eater oh shit motherfucker you

don't have a ride mower i got one you can i don't even have you want to use i don't even have a

ride mower shut up i got one you can use i got you got one i can use i got a nice one you can

You can sit on it, use it, fuck on it, whatever you want.

I live at 128 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

It's a brand-new development.

Where are you out of?

You're out of Rogersville?

Where are you at?

Yes, I'm out of St. Roseville in Stanley Valley.

All right, that sounds good.

I'm at the Horse Machine.

It's that new development.

They got all these three-and-a-half-acre ranches out here.

Horse Machine Ranch, did you hear about it?

It's called Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I heard of it.

it uh they just they had just broke ground not even two years ago this is fucking you um how much

i would really charge once a week um now i'll be honest with you it'll vary every week because i

got a job at trw three on three off so it won't be like a consistent day every week but it'll be

sometime a week yeah if it's once every seven days fuck yeah yeah man um you said horse machine

Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Yeah.

And that's in Rogersville?

Yeah, it's where all those brand new ranches that they built here.

I got one of them.

I got one of the first ten of them.

The first ten of them do what?

Yeah, I have 20 acres, but I only need about three and a half mowed.

Everything else is trees.

It's all woods for hunting.

Where are you close to?

You know where that Wal-Mart's is?

The new Wal-Mart's?

The new Wal-Mart's.

You know where that's at?

he said the new walmart walmart's okay so if i was coming okay yeah so if i was coming towards

walmart would i go okay how do you get to your place from walmart oh let's see um what's see

because i i actually moved here myself um from new york you know so i'm i gotta kind of think

here hang on now we're talking about it's it's the big walmart's over there and there's a mcdonald's

You know the one I'm talking about?

Yeah, I know where McDonald's is at Walmart.

You know where is that Main Street right there?

Where Main Street's at?

Yeah, right there by the Walmarts.

You take that up, you take that up and keep going, and then it becomes Burr...

How do you guys pronounce it here?

Burrumpike?

Yeah.

And then there's all these acres along the river.

week and we i got a 25 acre ranch machine out here and it says really big sign it says you

are at horse machine ranch and it says and it says established 2014 is it across the bridge

uh no you don't cross the bridge to get over here over the river the one for the river

you mean no no before that before that but you you turn before that and it's all you know where

all those woods are the highway cuts through it and everything that highway 11 yeah you can go

down i think you can go right next it's right next to sonic beer and is yep that's that's the

motherfucker right there yeah now listen i want to make sure that you're not i had this uh this

mexican guys i guess they were over here you know i can't i came to find out first of all he wasn't

mexican he was brazilian i came to find out that was the first thing and second of all he was having

having sex with my animals and and they were filming it he was having women come and have sex

sexual contact with my with my animals here my horses and stuff and my dog and um they were

filming it i guess and they were putting it on the internet and selling it yeah i'm you know i'm

not like that all right they were doing a lot they were doing what they call a live webcam shows

with animals fucking the animals and like uh the they had my horse was fucking this woman and

uh from behind like it's a pony that i got and she was uh this woman was fucking the pony with

her uh fucking vagina was out and everything she had like a big vagina and the horse was behind

her fucking her really hard filled her all up with like horse semen and all this hello okay yeah

anyway so and then then my dog they had this guy uh i have a female dog a collie and they just

fucked her that's how i found out because the my uh my collie her name is dolly and she was

just acting weird and i was like what's wrong what's wrong dolly and then i started checking

the uh my security cameras and yeah i caught them they were fucking my dog the guy was fucking my

dog and in her pussy in her dog vagina okay yeah i was trying to get out of that so yeah that's

your first time listening to the show that's how the show goes i'm carlito the host of madhouse

radio matt and you can go to madhouse radio machine.com my website i'm also on the prank

call nation that's at prank call machine.com be sure to subscribe to the podcasts at prank

CrankMachinePodcast.net.

Next call.

Someone is collecting robots and erector sets.

Yeah.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic.

All right, no answer there.

Moving on.

We got a set of four S10 Chevy Blazer, Chevy S10 aluminum wheels, 15-inch.

Set of Ford 101 16-inch double bottom plows.

Plows?

Call them all about their plow.

Yeah, hey.

I see you got a set of aluminum wheels for sale.

And you also got some plows.

Yes.

How big is plows?

They're 16 inches.

Yeah?

He hung up really quick when he heard that.

Whoops.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

I fucked up with him.

Hello?

Yeah, hi. I see that you're looking for some banana trees.

Yeah.

Did you find your banana trees, or are you still looking for banana trees?

I found some. I found some.

Oh, man, because I got a lot of banana trees here. I'm trying to get rid of them.

Yeah, no, I don't need no more, no more.

I have plantain trees also. Plantains?

Yeah.

No, I don't think I'm eating those.

Papaya trees?

Yeah, I don't think I'm eating those either.

You stupid motherfucker, you.

Okay.

You can't help me out, motherfucker?

Huh?

You can't help me out?

All right, cool.

Listen, so apparently, and I had almost forgotten,

there was an autistic gaming girl who was on Twitch.

God bless her.

She was really cute.

Actually, not that I'm, like, in her or not.

She was very cute and very nice.

But she was doing, like, a call-in show.

I called in playing that pissing right there you guys just heard.

I had almost forgotten about this whole thing,

but she gave, like, this shocked fucking look on the video feed.

And she's like, oh, my God, kind of like that.

If anyone has a copy of that video, I really would love to see that.

After I did it, I felt so bad.

This poor girl was just trying to do a little show for herself.

Working on any self-esteem problems or something.

And I keep, like, scrolling.

She was getting trolled a lot that night.

And I'm surprised I got through, but I did.

And yeah, that's what I did.

I just played this, like, hey, how you doing?

She's like, okay, how are you?

I just started playing the pissing, and it lasted, like, a long time.

Like, she let it keep going.

Yeah, excitement.

Pissing with your friends.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, buddy, come on.

Let's be friends before we go any further.

I'm sorry, okay?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

You don't know anyone else that's planting, like, bananas or plantain trees?

I mean, how did you get into it?

What did you need them for?

You just...

After what you talked earlier, dude, I don't even want to talk to you, man.

But why? Come on.

Please help me.

Alright, he don't want to talk to her.

I'd even just love the audio of that.

I just remember her

jaw dropping hearing it.

But she let it keep going.

Alright, for sale, mini Rex bunnies.

Hang on, let me look up and see what

mini Rex bunnies are.

Negro humor always escaped me.

The most powerful.

It looks like any

just any fucking bunny rabbit to me so whatever um i bet you anything they got these is just

for the kids for easter and and it's been a month and a half two months and i'll be like

oh you know what they're fucking they stink and they shit they stink and piss

you don't want to put them on the side they're not cute anymore they're not little baby bunnies

that's exactly what happened

watch

I'll ask them

alright well let's continue then

someone has a dog that went missing

alright I won't be mean or nothing

but we'll see if they found him yet

and if not then we'll just be like

oh that sucks

we're sorry i'll try again i won't let it ring that long this time

we like to be with some because they're funny

all right never mind all right we have a person who has a few saddles for sale

double black leather 16 inch saddle with matching bridal uh and breast color actually

only ridden like two times would make a beautiful show saddle asking 200 obo for the whole set

machine i also have a beautiful tooled 15 inch bighorn saddle yeah that's the one

women can put their big pussies on it

But in no time at all, you became my girl.

Me and you, one-on-one, against the world.

It feels good for women to ride horses.

I would take your house, but you was at mine.

And then came the arguments and all kinds of problems.

Besides making no comment.

The mailbox belonging to...

Nope.

Alright, let's go to the next machine.

Just another lie.

Someone is in need of a running washing machine.

that will last a long time

for a good price.

And again.

Oh, well.

We got someone looking for

Dollywood passes.

Yeah.

I guess this is the area

where Dollywood's at.

Oh, well.

Never mind.

Um, let's call, we're going to call Branson, Missouri.

So we just called Dollywood, or a call regarding Dollywood.

Uh.

Thanks for calling Casey in downtown Branson.

Tony, how may I help you?

Hey, big Tony, how you doing?

Pretty good, how about yourself?

I'm good.

My name is Bruce.

I'm calling from Casey's General Store corporate office.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, did you, we haven't received any transactions over the wire here in the last 24 hours.

I'm assuming you guys have had at least one sale the last 24 hours.

Yeah.

Shit.

You talking about like a credit card or something?

Yeah.

Debit cards?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we've gotten them.

Oh, man.

Do you know where the breaker box is, the power breaker box?

Power breaker, corporate.

They said they haven't gotten no transactions.

Yeah, the breaker box?

Yeah, you know where that is?

Yeah, it's back there.

All right, there's a backup system that'll bypass that so the storage cell phone won't lose power.

But I need you to, can you flip all the switches in that so we can reset the credit card system?

And then I'll let you know once it comes back up from here.

Yeah, just a second. Hold on.

Thanks.

And I need you just to go 1, 2, 3, 4 as you go down.

Hello?

Yes.

Who am I speaking to?

This is Rex.

Okay.

Calling from the corporate office IT department.

Okay.

We need a breaker reset, and then the store itself doesn't lose any power

because you guys are on the backup system outside.

Okay, so do you know which ones I need to turn off?

You just need to go, we're going to do all of the small ones going down, up and down.

I just need one of you guys to yell, one, two, three, four, until you get to the end,

and then go ahead and turn them back up from one to the other.

We have, like, all kinds of breakers over here.

Is it the ones to the pumps and the lights to the store and outside the store?

It should be the one that handles the inside of the store and the pumps.

Yeah, the pumps one, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

We have a small breaker for that one that has all the pumps, the outside lights, the inside lights.

Might as well do those two just to be sure because sometimes they wire the credit card system to that side

depending on how much voltage is available coming into that feed.

okay um to that leg but regardless the backup system kicks in you know in less than a second

okay so um okay there's only two that's facing opposite ways so i guess i could just yeah do it

that way okay so um just go ahead and start turning them off then yeah and just tell me one two three

four until you get to the last one okay now and there's two sides to it so work go work my way

down to one side and then do those and then and then to the top again on the other side and go

Go work yourself down, yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Are you ready?

Yep, I'm watching.

Okay, all right.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

I'm going to do the other side.

Okay.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

That was the one.

The last one.

Did it.

Yay.

at last, brand new whips to craft

and we laugh in the middle of the crowd

the villa house is for the crow, how we do

hang on, let me get some waters

we'll call back in a few, let's just

let them power back up

I guess I need to get a phone signal

well, let me call the

cafe across the street and then call

call this place

Actually, no, there's a, is Denny's Auto Service open right now?

I doubt it, but I'll call Denny's Auto Service and make an order for food.

Let's see if I can do that.

I doubt they're open now.

I'll have to make a note of this and do it during the day.

Hello, we are not available now.

Please leave your name.

As I suspected.

All right, let's try the Windy City Cafe right across the street.

See if they're open.

All right, I think enough time has passed.

Let's call that general store machine.

Sir, all their shit did shut off.

Yeah, Jeff, I see you turned all the breakers back on, right?

Yes, I did.

Yeah, all your stuff is coming through now.

It's wonderful, beautiful.

And did the battery backup kick in?

I don't think so because when I turned everything off, nothing came back on.

Oh, really?

Yeah, everything stayed off.

Were there any customers at the pump or anything?

Anything bad happen?

No, no.

Oh, thank God, thank God.

All right.

About how long did that power outage go for?

Well, I turned it off for, I don't know, maybe 10, 15 seconds,

and then nothing ever came back on well yeah and this is my fault and i handle this wrong and i'm

the one that's going to get in trouble for this but it's my responsibility to yeah we i guess

what happens any do you guys have dairy i guess you have any dairy there in your coolers yeah

yeah so they're they're spoiled they're out of code now basically um that's that's long enough

for them to be out of code unfortunately um so we don't have to throw them out um do you can you

guys can you can you guys perhaps put up a sign in front of like the where the milk is and um do

you have any cheese or lunch meats there uh i think we do yeah yeah uh yeah cancel any of the

cheese or lunch meats any of the milk and any uh ice well ice cream is okay because it's frozen

and you get an extra hour um so that's okay those are templates i don't know yeah so yeah the milk

and if anyone tries to buy milk you're gonna have to let them unfortunately know that the

that the milk can't be sold because it's bad okay all right do you guys usually sell a lot of milk

at this time i don't know about well sometimes we'll sell a few but yeah so what am i supposed

to tell my boss well i mean am i supposed to let him know that all the milk is bad yeah and he'll

You'll get a call from my boss tomorrow, and he'll probably give them some information

so you guys can replace that milk with milk that you can sell.

Don't take it off the shelves because that scares people.

Yeah.

You know, it can scare people.

We're just going to say that, unfortunately, due to a technical failure,

the dairy, anything in dairy, so again, in case you don't remember,

it's milk lunch meats and cheeses any cheese that you sell there okay this doesn't affect

any pre-packaged sandwiches those are fine this doesn't affect ice cream so just again milk

any bottled milk any sliced cheese or um do you have like those cracker barrel cheese sticks or

anything like that uh we have like the colby jack cheese yeah and the monterey colby jack one yeah

Yeah, the Cracker Barrel ones, yeah, those can't go.

All right, so just, yeah, sliced or ready-to-eat cheese, no.

And milk, any liquid milk, cold, you know, milk, no.

And any lunch meat just in a package, like any Oscar Mayer, any bologna, any ham like that, no.

But if it's in a sandwich or something like that or anything else, no problem.

Okay.

All right?

Okay, and this is Rex?

rex yeah rex okay you're from corporate right yeah yeah okay okay all right all right my boss

no all right hey uh thanks no problem buddy thank you i appreciate it all right all right bye thanks

damn i'm sorry to be such a pain but yeah man i can't i gotta be honest yeah guys 15 seconds it

goes out of code it's more like an hour i think i think it's an hour for the refrigerated and

two for ice cream i remember because i worked grocery stores and i had a past test and one

of the questions because in florida you get hurricanes so power went off and the if there

was there wasn't a generator at the location or it didn't kick in yeah it was bad but

could put ice we could put ice in the

cooler and we recovered if a cooler failed you could put ice in it I bet we would fill it up

up with bags of ice every inch of that section where milk was but when it was like an entire

milk case it happened once i remember but it's a lot of money that milk case cooler dies down man

that's a lot of fucking money and you can't move the stuff to the freezer because you can't thaw

it out like that that's a big loss for the store right there that's an that could be almost an

entire a big majority of a week's uh revenue for a store that could throw them off could even throw

store off for the quarter because bad if it affects the meat section and shit like that

but after hurricane the store would um if the hurricane did did happen when they happened i

remember they would just write it off to the insurance company insurance would cover it

a lot of it was in the news in florida after the three hurricanes of 2004 three hurricanes in two

two months a lot of those grocery stores were trying to get away with um a little bit of fraud

with uh claiming insurance on the food that actually would not have expired but you know

what i mean happened a few times yeah buddy yeah the i i just remember for sure that after charlie

which was the first one which is it was the first hurricane and major storm that hits the central

florida area in decades um there was just an unnatural lull in them coming through and charlie

was the strongest of a string of three that came through back to back to back charlie was the

strongest and the fastest when they came through so during the period of time those decades in

between when you know the last major hurricane didn't happen and this charlie event the state

state of florida was way different it was built up times upon times upon times the population is

bigger times upon times upon times bigger a lot of people from up north and stuff anyway so yeah

the store that was in my neighborhood my best wasn't not my best friend one of my good friends

patrick uh he was the uh the produce manager there and the day after the storm i had nothing

so i went to the store up there and they were open um but had lost power the generator kicked

in but for some reason it didn't cover the the the coolers or the freezers it just covered the

a few of the lights and the registers so they were able to sell shit but had to completely

close down and throw out all the meat all the fucking a lot of the produce all the meat and

all the dairy and shit and all the frozen food was a loss it was all taped off and yellow caution

tape that whole wide section was like they're like fuck it just tape it off don't sell it and

he was i went there he was there and he was like yeah man i've been here for hours i just came in

because there's nothing to do at home they say come in we had to throw away all the fucking meat

because the fucking the manager's pissed he's gonna lose his job because the generator didn't

kick you like it was supposed to yeah anyway that store later got closed down about a year later

that store actually got shut down and i bet you one of the main reasons was because of that big

fucking plunder it was pretty new i mean that store was less than that when dixie store lasted

like five years in that corner and now it's just an empty fucking shell right there come with me

now yeah it was built in a very poor location it was convenient for me because i live right around

around there but that's cool all right anyway hey enough about that blah blah blah you know me i get

a little talky talky um let's call for your body as well as i don't know let's see if there's any

diners up in branson missouri that might be open of course my friend what happened to your hand

there's the hard look diner they're open until eight missouri i think that's closed yeah that's

i think this is like one of those dead towns well it's been dead on a sunday it's very religious

yeah i think everything looks closed uptown cafe open till 11 all right this should be open still

yes hi i'm calling uh because i'm in town on uh you know on the convention the the homos

homos convention uh regardless um so we're looking for like somewhere to eat on a sunday night here

and everything is like freaking closed like we're just looking for like a diner like what do you

guys have diner food we do there's 10 of us and we'll pay good and we're good tippers because we

fit that demographic we're open till 11 all right is there like does this town like shut down on

sunday at six o'clock or something pretty much god damn it motherfucker right what kind of stuff you

sell there and shit basic basic food basic diner food can i make an order then excellent it's

exactly what we're looking for can i make an order can you make an order order yeah order okay all

right all right uh one eggs uh we don't have breakfast all right one meat one meat one meat

it clanged with the fucking vortex echo rights which i choose to get for their own good

that was crazy man they beamed us over here to mf2

Can I make an order, please?

What?

One meat. Hot meat.

Did it again.

Alright, let's get the fuck out of Branson.

Fucking dead city, man.

I'd rather go to Vegas.

Hey, boy, I'll have to make an order.

All right, what can I get for you?

All right, one eggs.

It's only dinner right now.

We stopped serving breakfast before.

Fuck, fucking shit.

Shit.

Um, okay, one meat.

What kind of meat you thinking?

Uh, hot meat.

You need a little bit more specific than that.

Like, uh, cooked, seasoned hot meat.

What type?

What type of meat?

Have you looked at the menu at all?

Animal meat.

You want to take a look at the menu maybe and call us back?

Do you have any, um, like, any fowl, any birds?

There is, there is.

Okay, bird meat then.

All right, you want to look at the menu here?

Give us a call back?

Uh, can you show it to me right now?

It's online at ruthsteiner.com.

Yeah, but I have a camera on my phone or I have the viewer.

Go ahead.

I'm watching.

I'll put you on speakerphone.

Okay, go ahead.

I got no way to do that from here, man.

You'd have to go online to take a look at the menu.

Well, turn on your camera.

Your camera button.

All right, I'm on a rotary phone.

I have a camera button.

Not a cell phone you called?

No.

No, uh-uh.

So if you want to go online, look at the menu there and give us a call back.

Do you have a cell phone yourself?

Do you have Snapchat or anything?

I don't.

Do you have a Snapchat account?

I don't, man.

Do you have a Skype account?

Nah.

We'll be waiting for you to give us a call back.

Do you have a Facebook account?

Facebook Messenger has a video chatting app.

Thanks for calling.

This is a way of saying hip.

The funny thing is, as he's asking me if I have the menu,

I do have the menu right in front of me the whole time.

I'm going to pull my computer screen and just be booed.

I'm ignorant.

All right, let me read it.

Let's see what I'll order.

Chinese chicken.

Cob.

Chicken cashew.

They got chicken cashew, and it's got a picture of a flamingo next to it.

That's where the flamingo chicken cashew.

Hey, Big Fat Reagan, I'd like to make an order, please.

I apologize, sir, but I can't take your order.

Why not?

Who is this?

Oh, it's Eddie. I need to order a salad, please.

Oh, okay. What salad?

I want the Flamingo Chicken Cashew.

No, Flamingo. It has flamingo in it.

Oh, okay. Got it.

Do you have the menu there?

No, I don't.

Can you grab a menu? I want to show you some fucking shit.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Do you see where the salads are?

Yep.

Do you see there's flamingo chicken cashew?

It's a brand new one.

Chinese.

It says it has flamingo, fresh roasted flamingo, apples, grapes, celery, green onions, and

cashews tossed with a Dijon mayonnaise.

Cashew chicken salad.

It says flamingo.

It has a picture of the flamingo.

It says flamingo chicken cashew.

It has the flamingo in front of it.

Yeah.

That means it has flamingo.

Yeah.

I've never eaten Flamingo before.

I'm really interested in seeing if it tastes like chicken or what.

Alright, the sandwich then.

I'd like the Flamingo Southern Fried Sandwich.

Southern Fried Flamingo Sandwich.

The Grilled Parmesan Flamingo Polenta.

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus with Flamingo.

Flamingo Fried Steak.

Flamingo Rib Eye Steak.

Teriyaki Flamingo Vegetable Stir Fry.

And then the fresh asparagus and flamingo farfalla pasta.

Okay.

All right.

And then, before you go, how many fingers can you show up there, up your asshole?

Okay, who is this?

Have you ever tried sticking a finger back there sometime?

No, never once, actually.

Oh, you ever had a guy do it for you?

Oh, my God.

I'll do it while I eat you out.

I'll put a finger down your butt.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, as long as you're clean and you shit

like, evacuated

recently.

Do a commercial for Mellow Yellow

Tell them devil's hell no, say y'all own

jello. We holla krills

She swalla pills. Follow

flea, call it three dollar bills. It's

Halalville. It y'all a pill

Dig the real. It's how the

big ballers deal. Twirl

a L after every meal.

Stupid. Flamingo bullshit.

What up? To all rappers

shut up what you're shutting up and keep your shirt

I need numbers.

Alright, so I'm looking at the Redneck Classifieds.

the redneck american classifieds which mrs morgan shared with me in the past and she

reminded me hey if you need numbers don't forget that so i'm looking at that now that's right

all right i love calling motherfuckers shit to sell you know shit for sale

seems to be what i do a lot of now lately these years

i have to be humble lest i stumble never sold a jumbo we're either on the other line

fuck you um someone's gonna 88 suburban for sale yeah

hello you got a suburban for sale yes is it your man or you uh it was it was my father's

Oh, but, okay, so it's not like your husband's selling it?

I have to talk to you about it?

No, you can talk to me.

I should talk to your husband?

No, my son is in charge of my car.

Oh, yeah, because you're just a woman. You don't understand.

Oh, I do, too. What is it you want to know?

No, that's okay, honey. Where's your son? Can you wake him up?

If you give me your number, I'll call you.

Where's he at?

He's at his house.

You think he's in his room masturbating right now?

Her connection sucked

Your connection sucks, lady

You hear me?

Why are you picking up the guitar?

There, now she's gone

She picked back up again

You get a double wide

That must go

Double wide

roll extra roll we're having a great day here at palm harbor home with brian's text currently all

whatever poor music tastes 10 years from being grown up rappers don't blow volkswagen jennifer

sale uh no fun i used to think it was merely a nagging habit sucks i really wanted to do that

double walk call i'm serious about this curse of mine i strive to flip it somebody with a brand

Brand new John Deere.

Oh.

You got a brand new John Deere lawnmower?

Who's that?

Oh, it's Billy.

Yeah.

You saw my ass?

Yeah, you got a new John Deere lawnmower with a bag of?

Yeah.

All right.

Did you ever use the lawnmower?

Why not?

What happened?

Are you a girl?

No, I'm brand new.

You're brand new?

It's brand new and I didn't want to mess with it.

Why not?

Are you stupid?

Because I'm busted.

Shut your fuck up.

Hey, you shut up, motherfucker.

You don't talk to me like that.

Hey.

I finally let him go.

He was just sitting there.

It's a home phone.

Now it's going to be off the hook.

Bob Vance.

I don't have a dial tone, buddy.

I'd have a dial tone sound effect.

Brad never shared it with me because he doesn't care about me.

He doesn't care for me or how good my show does for helping out me.

We got a 2008 Escalade.

Asking $23,900 for it.

That's too much for a 2000.

Fuck out of here.

Hello?

Picked up and said nothing.

thing. Let's call the John Deere guy back

again. Maybe he'll pick up now.

Ah, he left his phone off the hook.

Alright.

Ford Expedition for sale.

It's like redhead kingpin.

Dude came to do the thing again.

No matter who be blingin'.

You do it for the smelly hubbies.

It seems no one time it.

You do it even if you can sell it.

Thank you for calling Gullo Ford, Marquery of Conroe.

You have reached us.

That's normal business.

Oh, really?

That kind of racket?

Run the cash and you won't get a wet sweatshirt.

The mic is a shoddy.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

Five-year-old black Angus Bull.

Now this has to be a guy selling this shit.

Everybody on the floor.

A whole string of jobs like we on tour.

I'm over Angus.

Angus has been shit on that brand.

Not that brand, but that specific style of meat.

I don't know, for lack of a better term, style.

Angus Beef.

Back in the day, Angus Beef meant something.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

You got a black Angus?

You got a black Angus bull?

Yes, I do.

All right.

How come he's getting rid of him?

He's got problems with his balls?

Do what?

Has he got problems?

Is that why you get rid of him?

or what's going on?

No, I don't want him

interbreeding with his granddaughters.

Oh, yeah,

because he'll probably

try to fuck them, right?

Yeah, and he's sold anyway.

Oh, shit, motherfucker.

Why'd you do that,

you fucking asshole?

Hey.

What?

You piece of shit.

No, you're a piece of shit

for selling that motherfucking bull.

Hey, show your ass up

wherever you want to

and I'll cut your throat.

All right, motherfucker.

I always like to see you try

before I break your head.

I'll bust you in the chop.

I'll give you a heart attack before you see me.

You want it?

Oh, man.

Show your ass, motherfucker.

Got a big motherfucker there.

Hello?

You've reached 713-252.

All right.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We got some heifers for sale.

Black Brangus.

I'm guessing Angus, maybe.

Heifers.

This is in a different area code, so it's not the same guy.

I'll try again.

Here's some more Carl Sanders video blog.

Whenever I'm expecting a lot of company,

haven't had a lot of company in a long time,

but if I were expecting some,

I'd whip up a really substantial meal.

You see how strong I am from eating all this stuff?

I'm trying to get...

I don't have numbers right now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

All right.

I need to know if you have part of a floor,

the floor parts, the floors.

What do you mean floor part?

You know, the part that goes on the bottom.

When you do the floor.

Are you down on the linemen?

Not the linemen, you know.

I don't know what the linemen is.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

You know you put the floor down on the ground?

Okay.

And it goes down.

You go down.

You put the glue down?

You put it down where it goes down, down.

On the filet or the pudding or something, I mix up some herbs

and come up with a dandy glass of this bicarbonate of fig leaf.

That will set me free, I'll tell you.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque 3.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach the department for information and delivery.

Transferring to hardware and tools.

Please hold.

Order.

Yeah, hey.

You got that machine?

the main machine the white main machine the main machine that we use it goes it has the button and

it goes this one they're assholes at this one all different loads fuck their ass good evening

hardware how can i help you hey hey what's your name har yes you said good evening hardware har

can i help you what are you said it funny you messed up that was funny um i need to i need to

find the machine i need to get the machine i'm listening yeah can you tell me if you have this

machine what do you mean the machine what machine the main machine that it's the main machine that

gets used it goes you push a button it goes i don't have that machine well what do you have

then what kind of machine then i have different machines like what oh sender um a cool cool

Do you have a Kulu machine?

Do you have a puta machine?

Your mom, is she there?

Maybe yours or your sister.

No, your mom's a puta machine.

I walk in inside the house, I close the door, and the puta fucks me, and I come out.

And it's like, oh, wow.

That's me.

That's me, your mom and your sister and your daughter.

And she looks at me.

They did a good blood job for me.

Yeah?

Thank you.

Very much.

It was cheap, too.

Your mother has a black pussy.

Oh, I didn't get the hang-up song there.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

For information on delivery, transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Dwight called, but we got a failed connection.

He's getting hardware.

Yeah, I'm sorry that it came to that.

I'm sorry, but please.

Can I give you the part number?

If you give me a minute, because I have another customer.

Hold on.

A customer is saying what?

Yes, thanks for holding.

Oh, okay. Can you look up the item number?

Okay, let me go check up here, hold on.

Hurry up. God damn it!

Hey, god damn it!

God damn it, shit, fuck!

Alright, we're on call.

It's my pussy.

Clay, they were making keys, buddy. It was a key maker machine.

That's it, go on right now.

They're doing the second pass with it. I used to run one. That's the job I had.

It's real easy to make the fucking keys.

This is Jesse, thank you for holding. How may I help you?

Yeah, I was supposed to speak to that Hispanic man about the item he was going to look up for me.

What item was it, sir?

It's 4-3-4-5-2-0.

4-3-4-5-2-0?

Yeah, model number O-W-A-5-1-2-0.

Seasoning and sauces, we do have them.

What brand is that?

That, um, let me one moment.

Hello?

Look, man, the time, the time, please, the time.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Yeah.

It's a Carolina-style barbecue seasoning.

That's not the right one, then. I have a different one, then.

That's the item number you gave me.

Well, that's not the brand I'm looking for. I'm looking at here, so your computers are wrong again, you know?

Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, 4-3-4-5-3-9.

5-3-what?

9. Don't get snippy with me. Lower your voice.

I'm not getting snippy with you, sir.

Okay, well, preemptively, before you do, I'm asking you.

Because if that's not snippy, then I don't want to hear you being snippy.

You don't want to hear me react to you being snippy.

I'm just answering to your question.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

And I do have the item in stock, too.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

I need to know the brand.

It's a Carolina-style barbecue sauce.

No, it's not.

It's rub some...

Anything else I can help you with, sir?

You should say rub some butt, right?

Yeah, that's it.

Okay.

How much of that do you think I need to rub on your mother's butt before I go fuck her?

I don't know.

Come and find out.

Okay, I will.

That question was for the other guy.

Come and find out.

Look for me.

If your mother's not there, it's a waste of my time.

Look for me.

To ensure his safety, as years passed, he became even more bitter and angry, burning with vengeance against the world.

Dwight, hey.

Amidst hidden scrolls...

Hey!

Hey, I think I'm unfairly being accused of masturbating in the bathroom.

Did you drop in the bathroom?

I thought I didn't do it then.

Thank you for calling Lone.

Bad campaign.

Go ahead and do it in the same place, same apartment.

Please hold it.

Make a big deal about it.

I warn you, Doom, you've gone through it, Doom.

Get your machine.

Aw, all right, we've got to call a different one.

It's awesome, I didn't know it said that

Shut up, Carl Sander

Little things with me sometimes

Make me happy

You see that big ass fight that happened down in Waco?

Waco, Texas?

Yeah

No, what happened?

Big fucking gang fight down there between three gangs

Different biker gangs

Oh, wow, yeah?

Yeah, nine people dead.

Were the pump fence involved?

I don't know.

The guy didn't name the gangs, but I guess they started fighting in a restaurant and went outside.

They started beating each other up, shooting at each other, and the cops said, fuck that, and started shooting at them.

Thank you for calling.

Let a bunch of them up.

Nova should know what went down.

He's right down in that area, I think.

Hardware.

Yeah, I'm looking for an item.

Okay, what type of item?

the item number is uh one three two uh eight six four one three two eight six four it's in a 12

inch adjustable wrench yeah i need it in metric though um and that's actually a special order

actually a special order yes oh well hang on a second you don't want to what do you got in stock

i just need one of the metric crescent wrenches uh let me transfer you to the tools department

okay echo on for me if you could or put it on tools yeah listen i'm looking for uh a crescent

wrench one of the metrics what is that now a crescent wrench i'm looking for a metric crescent

wrench i was told i need one a metric crescent wrench there's no such thing oh what do you mean

there's no there's no such thing on a crescent wrench to be metric or standard i thought it

was just like the wrenches there was the metric in the uh the regulars the americans no okay well

Well, I need one.

I'm going to buy it, and can you bring it over to the men's restroom?

Who is this?

Well, my name is Dwight.

I lost my ring down the toilet.

I was using the toilet, and I went to wash my hand, and I knocked it in there.

And I'm taking it off the base now.

Over on aisle 16, we have plungers.

I'll go ahead and let you use one.

I don't want a plunge.

I've got to get my ring.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it'll suck it right out.

Is that how that works?

I know where this call came from.

Where'd it come from?

Where does he mean he knows where it came from?

I don't know where that call came from.

He probably thinks it's somebody within the store, one of his buddies, like his motherfucker.

Just carry that carrier. I love you.

Thank you for calling us.

For information on delivery, transferring to hardware and tools.

That's my service.

Yes, I need to speak to tools, machines, and pickles.

Okay, hold on.

jack's pickles and penis pumps i was looking up an item number uh lowe's chat popped up so i'm

gonna fuck with him oh they got a chat and then i don't have a viewer i think that chris kind of

chief or friends yeah chris is a fan of chief are you kidding that's why he's like that he's like

he's he's will seat you he's will seat you call me at work i shit my pants if i heard him calling

in his show he's will see you calling my show and i think it's the same guy they call in and

And they told me to look at the paper.

Oh, this is taking too long, Dwight.

I don't want to.

Yeah, because I know where that call came from, assholes.

I hit the wrong hang-up.

How about Dwight on accident?

Hey!

I'm sorry.

I'm a blowjob.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to try to call back

that guy that was selling the bull.

I got mad at my

attitude.

He picks up. You can fuck with him.

Ask him for a bull.

You reach 713-252-265.

Move on.

I will be more than glad to assist you.

Unfortunately, we are not located at stores.

My advice is to contact a store

assistant and let them help you

in retrieving your ring.

I asked if I'd be responsible for taking the toilet off the base to get it.

Say it's in their toilet.

Oh, you did, right?

That's how you said it?

Yeah.

Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps.

Who's this?

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes, you want pickles?

Pickles?

Yes.

Yes, okay.

How many?

How many pickles?

Yes.

What kind size?

How many do you want?

Fifty bucks.

Sir?

Yeah?

What are you doing?

I pickle.

No, I pickle.

So do I.

I pickle.

Hello?

Yes, you got the pickles?

Yes, you called me.

You want pickles?

I call you.

Yes.

But the pickles?

Yes.

Just one second.

Nobody call you.

You just called me now.

I call you now?

Yes.

I pickle there.

This is Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps.

Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps?

Right.

I don't know.

Look, I have, listen, do you need sour, half-sour, garlic, or dill? What?

I need just tomatoes. You have tomatoes? Fresh tomatoes?

I have tomatoes, too, yes. How many boxes do you need?

How many boxes I need?

Yes.

300 boxes.

Of tomatoes?

Yeah.

Going to...

Not just, what kind prices? Depends on the price.

My tomatoes are $3.69 a box.

$3.69 a box?

Yes.

How many pounds in box?

About 18 pounds.

18 pounds?

Yes.

This is fresh tomatoes?

Fresh, that's right.

We grow them in small pots.

18 pounds?

Yes.

What kind of size are the tomatoes?

They're very, very small.

They're almost microscopic.

You can barely see them with the naked eye.

Smaller, like cherry tomatoes?

These are nipple tomatoes.

As a matter of fact, you may need a penis pump to see these damn things.

Okay, how I can see the tomatoes?

With your eyes, you silly ass.

Oh, my God.

You don't want them or no?

No, I want they.

I want they.

No, I don't know what kind they.

They small, small, like, not just what kind.

How many one inch around, two inches around?

Small point.

A small plumb?

Yes.

Yes!

Okay, listen to me.

When they it's good, I take all of them, no problem.

Okay.

I pickle.

Okay, we got a deal.

Okay.

$2,000.

$2,000?

Yeah.

For what?

For a small box of potatoes.

Of potatoes?

Yes.

I don't need potatoes.

I need just tomatoes.

I'll give you tomatoes, and then you give me $2,000 for the box of potatoes.

Good.

Okay?

Okay.

You're a good businessman.

Why not?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

See, I like doing business with you.

I make money.

What are you doing?

I pickle.

Oh, shit.

I gotta go.

Somebody hit my car.

Man, that's bringing it back again.

Two shows in a row where I'm playing jerky boy shit from back in the girl bus.

What's wrong with me, huh?

Yeah.

You got any numbers, Dwight?

No, I can grab some real quick.

Can you help?

Yeah, because I was just talking to Dovan.

He was talking about all the crazy shit going down in Waco there.

this is breaking news

this happened like around

2 o'clock 3 o'clock

this afternoon

but from what

Nova says is

he's like part of a biker

family and shit and he said that

his family was telling him to stay home

and shit because

there's biker gangs from all over the country

fucking heading down there for revenge

oh shit really

he thinks like in the next couple days

like shit's gonna get like real real down there wow said the hospitals and shit are on lockdown

and there's cops like stationed like all over the city fucking biker war huh nine people died in it

apparently yeah well they said the the fight started in the restaurant that i spilled outside

and like so they were beating they were beating each other up and it was like you know clubs and

chains and shit like that but then it turned into the fucking bikers shooting at each other

well the cops heard that like some shit was going to go down so they were already like right down

there and apparently when that happened the cops just started firing at the people with the guns

and shit just laying them out and and but yeah this is the news report that i watched on it the

redneck sheriff or whatever down there he's like we're gonna have to stop but these goddamn

damn business owners okay nice all right let me play let me play a news clip a guy here a few

minutes breaking news out of waco texas where there has been a shooting we're told between

biker gangs there are at least nine people reported dead joining me on the phone grant

herms he's an affiliate reporter with kxxv in waco grant what happened well bobby this all

started around 12 15 this afternoon police were telling us they were monitoring the situation

near the Twin Peaks restaurant, and then they heard that there was a fight over a parking space.

What it started as, that escalated to guns after a knife and chains were also brought out.

I just talked with a few witnesses a little while ago who said that they crawled into a freezer

in the back of the restaurant with some other employees and the management there.

They locked themselves in as they heard a terrified, obviously, gunshot were going off.

They were then brought outside under police custody after things had quieted down

until they could get them out.

And you had said that police had been keeping an eye on these groups ahead of this incident?

Yeah, that's right.

We were told today that both local and state police have been keeping an eye on these two gangs, two or three gangs, at least that's what they're telling us.

For about a month now, they've been trying to work with the restaurant management and the owners, but those owners wanted this business at their restaurant.

So there was a lot of frustration we were hearing from local police today that they said this attack, you know, may have been not as bad if the ownership would have been able to, or more willing, really, to work with police here.

So that's what you meant then. That's why. Wow.

Yep.

Huh. That's something.

But with all those bikers dead, yeah, I can imagine they'd be coming down there like, all right, motherfuckers.

We're going to have some words.

I just wonder who the gangs are.

Uh, no one knows.

I wonder if they have, like, an online chat with each other.

Uh, Nova said the

Banditos...

The Cross...

Uh...

He'll say it again, I'm sure. He fucking had it.

The Cross.

Oh, he said updated. There was five biker gangs

that were involved. Damn.

Yeah, he said he knows who they are.

The Crossars.

Or Cross-Sex.

The Coss-Sex. The Coss-Sex.

Coss-Sex. The Coss-Sex. Come on.

Or the Coss-Sex. That's silly.

What'd you do?

he picked your biker name that's what you came out with

that's bullshit

we shall now vote

for a new world leader

I know you

it's a group of Russians we thought

I don't know alright whatever

should we be calling Waco

maybe

I need an update

we must hurry

wait if you are really with us

let me hear you say it

tell me that

I've spent

I need biker gang chains.

I need a really thick chain and a padlock to go at the end of that motherfucker.

He's kind of swimming around like a mace on my Harley.

So lumber departments are open.

I'm going to go hack some of Jim Duggan on these motherfuckers.

Store's closed.

Whoa!

When Waco does it, they do it big, huh?

Or every once in a while they're going to throw that fucking big party.

When white people in Waco get mad, they're really going to throw this big.

Us party, motherfucker.

I'm gathering some numbers.

All right, I'm calling the McDonald's in Waco.

There's only one McDonald's in the whole city.

Phone-a-busy.

Here's a pizza place.

Nope.

I'm thinking we should just say fuck Waco.

Yeah.

Boom.

Here's a...

That's where the numbers get started, huh?

Okay, good, good.

I'm just looking to see if I can find a diner open late in Waco.

Oh, Waffle House.

I'm just going to use Waffle House.

You know what's good about Waffle House?

And I want to remind you of this, boy.

There's even an index out there called the Waffle House Index.

Have you ever heard of that before?

No.

It's used by FEMA and Department of Homeland Security.

So basically, early in a disaster, one of the biggest barometers they use to see how bad a situation is in a town after a hurricane or an earthquake or something is whether or not the Waffle House in that town is open and what they're serving.

if they're serving a full menu or if they're only half menu because that's what they use because it's

a good sign waffle houses are well known for not ever really closing unless things are really bad

i guess but no kidding like they will contact the local waffles are you open and a lot of times

it'll become the base the first base of operations they'll just go to the waffle house nice yeah

don't believe me look it up it's in the wiki or something but it is let me see

Now I got to know.

Dateline, MSC Culture, Ica, Disaster Recovery.

According to FEMA, Waffle House is one of the top four corporations,

along with Walmart, Home Depot, and Lowe's, for disaster response.

Waffle House has an extensive disaster management plan with on-site and portable generators

and pre-positioned food and ice ahead of severe weather events such as a hurricane.

Helps mitigate the effects of a storm on the power grid and the supply chains.

Really? No kidding.

The ability of a Waffle House to remain open after a severe storm, possibly with a limited menu, is used by FEMA as a measure of disaster recovery, known as the Waffle House Index.

Wow. I even had the name completely...

Yeah, the index is green.

Green is the restaurant is serving a full menu, indicating the restaurant has power and drainage and damage is limited.

Yellow, the restaurant is serving a limited menu, indicating there may be no power, or only power from a generator, or food supplies may be low.

Red, the restaurant is closed, indicating severe damage.

Okay, there you go. I'll stop talking now.

Sexy.

There you go. There's your Waffle House index.

So, Waffle House, I'm looking for in Waco, because it should be open.

And it comes up with the cinnamon. That makes sense.

Of course.

Let's see if this deli's open still.

Hey, we're calling JT Deli Waco.

Is this Keith talking to him?

Yeah, hey, I'd love to make an order.

I'm sorry?

I'd love to make an order.

Pick up?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, for pick up, motherfucker.

I'm sorry, bud, but we're already closed.

Then why did it take you so long to tell me that?

I don't know what you were saying.

But I don't have to listen to you swear, so I appreciate it.

Do you have any chains I can borrow?

No, I'm sorry, man, I don't.

Have a good night.

All right.

I don't have to listen to you swear

I don't need to listen to you swear

Fucking Hank Hill working at the deli

Alright here's a night's end

See if they got anything I can borrow

Thank you for calling

If you know your party's extension

Please dial it now

Or dial 0 for the front desk

hey it's me again um do you guys have any change i don't know who you are first of all

well i'm coming down i'm from out of town i'm coming in on my bike i just pulled over here

take a leak um i'm gonna be in the area do you have any chains i can borrow or bricks

a what you have any any chains or bricks i can borrow there's nothing we let borrow sir this

This is a hotel. I don't know what you're saying.

Well, I need a chain. I need a big chain.

Chain? What kind of chain?

Any kind of metal chain that I can swing around.

No, we don't have that, sir.

Do you know where I can get one?

I have no idea, sir. I don't know. You got the wrong number here, I guess.

No, you're the hotel. I'm going to be staying at your house.

No, no, a biker stayed. No biker stayed here.

No, no biker here. No, I'm sorry. I'm not speaking English.

All right, here's America's best value in. That's a shithole.

Thank you for calling America's Best Value Inn, Waco, Texas.

If you know your room number, dial it now.

Yes, that's one of those.

For reservation or front desk, dial zero.

Once again, thank you.

215, you know my baby.

215, baby.

You have reached voicemail.

Please begin talking after the...

How you doing?

All right, man.

Hey, que pasa?

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, do you guys have any chains that I can use?

Do we have a who?

A chain.

Chain?

Uh-huh.

What kind of chain, Luke?

Well, anything big and metal, big chain, because I want to swing it around while I'm driving around.

No, you must be calling at the wrong place, buddy.

No, this is America.

I'm going to be staying here.

America's best machine.

The one on 35?

Yeah.

I'm going to call.

Yeah, it's on.

Let me give you the number.

You're calling at the wrong place.

754.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is the right place I'm calling.

You're on Franklin Avenue.

4 Franklin Avenue, motherfucker.

No, sir.

I don't know what that is

Alright, what's the number?

Okay

Alright, are you Banchon?

No, sir

Are you not Banchon?

No, sir

Do you have sister?

No, sir

Do you have sister or mother from me come in front of me with your sister?

No, sir

Why not?

I have no idea

I had to ask my father which is passed away about 10 years ago

I have no idea, sir

Okay, then you put your dick in your hand and you shake it

Yeah, do it, do it now, I want to hear you

I'm sorry, sir.

I want to hear you, you little monkey.

But the area code is 254, sir.

Okay, I knew that, stupid.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Because if I needed that, I would have asked, asshole.

All right, sir.

Okay, motherfucker?

Good night, sir.

All right, bye.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

It's starting to sound rude now.

All right, here's where he told me to call.

That's cool. Dialed by room, you know. You love that shit.

Fuck yeah.

Thank

you

for calling america's best by un this is alissa how may i help you hey sexy how are you i'm doing

well how are you okay um i'm gonna be staying there um you're gonna be staying here i'm coming

from out of town i just pulled over to take a leak on the way because i'm driving for a while

trying to get there really fast you know um you guys have like a chain or something that i could

a borrow um probably not we got rid of all of them oh man really yes sir i'll come to safety

definitely when did you get rid of it uh just recently because there was a biker shooting

not too long ago oh well yeah i mean it's something like this is related but i am coming

on a bike um they confiscated my chain just outside of town here the police said i could

come into town but definitely couldn't have this chain what'd you say the police said that i could

I could come into town, but I couldn't have the chain.

Do you have safety precautions?

Yeah, I don't know, but I tried to call the Lowe's in Waco there, and they said they closed.

They're closed.

You should try Walmart.

Do you think they have chains at Walmart?

Possibly.

I don't know.

Okay.

What was your name, honey?

I'll be off by the time you get here.

Man, because maybe you could meet me in my room after your shift.

Maybe just go ahead, take a nap, take a shower, and take a nap in my room until I check in.

I shouldn't be in there in the morning.

No, it's fine.

I'd love for you to answer the door naked, you know?

No, we're good.

Come in, and you'll be naked, and I'll come in.

All right, were you planning on making a reservation,

or are you just going to keep playing on the phone?

That's already taken care of, all right?

Don't be snippy with me.

What's the last name on the account?

Cross.

Are you sure it's at this location?

Either here or wherever that Indian motherfucker is

that he gave me your number to call instead.

That other one, you know that other place?

on uh oh where the fuck is it you know i'm talking about there's the other america best

value in oh yeah the one off of franklin avenue that's the one and he said i had to call this one

here i had the wrong i think he's a stupid motherfucker you know he's a fucking he's a

fucking animal monkey you know well i'm pretty sure it's the other location because we don't

have any more reservations for the night oh yeah probably that's a shame because you're so fine as

hell do you don't even know i don't i don't even know the big oh wow is that good huh no i'm just

saying that you you wouldn't know if you're not here i have no clue i don't need this you know

i just need to hear that voice can you quack like a duck no please can you quack like a duck a little

bit no sir all right all right i'll be down there hopefully i got a nice big chain i'll show it off

to you like well you would call the other location to see if they have any but i'll come by your

your place but i'll be off in like the next six minutes so oh fuck really yes sir are you going

home yes sir oh wow so what happened there was a bike thing my uncle said i had to get on my bike

and go down here for some kind of big revenge thing tomorrow so i'm not sure what happened

anyway i don't know um i don't know i saw the news a little bit um something happened at twin

peaks shit man it's fucking crazy and you guys got rid of all your chains yes sir because

Because of that.

No, that was a joke.

Come on.

Keep up.

Okay.

All right.

All right, Neon.

I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Have a great night.

All right.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

She had an attitude like Neon or something.

Yeah.

Like, keep up.

All right, bitch.

All right.

Enough of that.

Now what, Dwight?

You sent numbers, huh?

Yeah, many numbers in the main Skype chat.

Yay.

So I'll take a break.

Between Nova and Dashie and me and many numbers.

yeah okay neon's supposed to join us she hasn't yet but she said she was going to join us in five

minutes and that was 30 minutes ago stupid fucking asshole how rude is that that's women

they can't tell time that's women for you women all right anyway when we come back i carlito your

host we'll be more than happy to do some more prank calls neon should be joining us we got a

A guy who's giving a text.

He's relaxing in the city for the weekend at the Hotel Travers Inn.

We've got a few waffle houses.

We've got a whole bunch of fucking numbers.

Thanks, Dwight.

All right, I'll be right back.

Dwight, don't go anywhere, motherfucker.

We've got a contract.

Let her run out.

you are bigger than a woman you are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a

woman we'll always be behind ever make you who you are welcome back carlito thank you carlito

you're welcome carlito i'm back i'm carlito i'm here with dwight dwight hey how's it going neon

hey baby what's up llama liquor lame hey good to be here everybody i'm glad you guys are here with

me yeah all right we're two back to the numbers i should have copy pasted during the break oops

i'll do that no llama you put a number in wow look at you put it in work all right dwight any

Any heads up on what kind of numbers we got tonight before I start looking at them?

Just some people checked in the hotel.

Nova and Dashie gave me some Waco restaurants and diners, as well as Twitter complainers.

Okay.

Because apparently there was some type of big-ass outage while people were trying to watch Mad Men tonight.

Oh, tonight was the finale, wasn't it?

Correct.

I've only seen two episodes of that show.

It wasn't my thing.

But, hey, what?

what was he doobie there was a doobie db cooper there was a rumor that he was going to turn out

to be db cooper in the last episode i wonder if that's what happened that would be perfect

that would be so awesome if he was like i'm db cooper he steals the play and he jumps out and

dies and this is a mall where no one on the air with me knows who db cooper is because i'm

I'm the only smart one out here.

All right, so Nesta Hotel.

Google it.

I know you guys know how to do that on their smartphones.

All right, so Steven is staying at a hotel, or is Elise visiting it?

Is this recent enough, Dwight, you think?

These were fresh.

They just gave me all these today.

I just got all these today.

It's in the last couple hours.

This is Jordan. How may I assist you?

Yeah, so I'm looking for Stephen Lul.

L-U-L.

Sorry, this is a restaurant.

Yeah, he's eating there. He's at the Fancy and Bouquet.

No, we're closed.

No one's been eating for a couple hours.

Now look here, you motherfucker.

Stephen just told me he was there still.

Fuck him.

Call him back?

It literally says hotel. There's no fucking way it's a restaurant.

Thank you for calling the Arbor. This is Jordan. How may I assist you?

Yeah, how you doing? Where's the hotel section of this place at?

The hotel?

Yeah, the Royal Senoset, whatever the fuck that is.

Pardon?

Yeah, Royal Senoset Hotel.

Royal Seneset, correct.

Yeah.

Where is it in Cambridge?

I'm trying to get transferred to a guest room.

Pardon?

I'm trying to get transferred to a guest room.

Guest room. What is the room number?

I don't have it. The last name is Lou. L-U-O.

Oh, you have to call the front desk then. I don't have guest numbers.

Well, transfer me on over there, then.

Okie doke.

Motherfucker.

That's a bookstore.

What do you not understand about that?

I'm trying to read your books.

My desk.

Yeah, I need to be transferred to my brother's room, please.

What's the name?

Last name is spelled L-U-O.

First name is Steven.

L-U-O?

Yeah, that's right.

Do you know his room number?

Nope.

Because I don't have anyone by that name.

Oh, okay.

Well, transfer me to room 115.

115?

I don't have a 115.

15. Yeah, number 15 there.

Excuse me? 15. I don't

have a 15. It's 125.

Yeah, 125 then. Make it happen.

125? Correct.

We don't have any rooms that start with 1.

Oh, the second

floor, 215. 225

I mean. Thank you.

Gotcha. They still transferred.

Hi, Carol.

Please leave your name and a message.

You may start your message now.

Fuck you. Yeah.

You are being transferred to the attendant.

Dining and amenities discounts and more.

Join right now online at zanesta.com slash travel pass

and start earning free nights with your next day.

Your next guest day.

The attendant did not answer.

Transfer failed.

All right, I'll move to the next one.

I knew I was a gangsta.

I wasn't going for that.

I don't know if that's Japanese or Chinese.

I'm not trying to be ignorant, I just don't know.

Otsuka sounds Japanese, but Yuan Ying sounds Chinese.

No, it sounds like it's like Samoan or something.

Oh, could be.

You're right.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling the Pinnacle Hotel.

This is Ellie speaking.

How may I assist?

Hey, Dirty.

I need to speak to a guest there, Mr. Otsuka.

Otsuka?

Yes?

Let me just find his ring.

I'll wipe the email in.

I'll connect you now.

Thank you.

Go ahead, Dwight.

Hi.

Good evening, sir.

This is Dwight from the front desk.

How are you tonight?

Yeah, no.

You speak the English?

A little.

I have to visit.

I have to change to Japanese.

Okay.

Sir, were you masturbating in our hallways?

Yeah.

Pardon?

You were?

Uh, eh?

You can't do that here.

I can't.

I was, uh, at all.

Dude, do you understand get the fuck out?

Yeah, I'm...

Okay, I went to...

I will go to...

How the fuck did you check into this hotel?

Check in at...

Hey, sir, pape people?

Hi?

Pape people.

People?

Yeah, pape people.

Pape people.

Yeah, I will go to the underfloor.

Okay.

Yeah, please come.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Okay.

Bye.

Aww.

Please come to the floor.

I didn't get to talk to him.

Aww.

You want to call him back?

Real quick before he goes?

Yeah.

Before he gets there.

He has to put his sandals on and stuff.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling the Pinnacle Hotel, Vancouver Harbor Front.

This is Ellie speaking.

How may I answer?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

I was just speaking with Mr. Otsuka, and we got cut off mid-sentence, but we were

communicating.

Could you put me back through to him?

Certainly won't be a moment.

Okay.

Maybe he has waifu.

Cool.

Answer the phone.

She's scared, bro.

I don't know how to answer her husband's phone.

Yeah, he left.

Wow.

The person in this room is not available to take your call.

Okay, never mind.

I'd like to ask if he's at the front and say, just give him the phone.

He went up there confused.

Can you give him the phone?

Good evening, Mr. Otsuka.

This is Ellie speaking.

How may I assist?

Did Mr. Otsuka come to the front?

Did he?

I'm sorry?

Did Mr. Otsuka possibly come to the front desk?

I think he...

Okay, I'll put you through to the front desk and you can check with them.

Yeah, thank you.

He's not there.

There's nobody there.

I mean...

It's all good.

I mean, come on.

I'm not thinking he's down there right now, scared.

It's okay.

You can move on.

It's cool.

No, I want to find him.

I want Mr. Otsuka again.

It's a wonderful unit, Pinnacle Hotel, Harborfront Hotel.

May I please sit and hold for just a moment?

Is Mr. Otsuka there?

One moment, please.

I have a question.

Just one moment, sir.

Hurry up.

P2B.

Damn it.

He's going to let him go.

The Pinnacle Hotel, Harborfront Hotel is one of the...

Aw.

It's okay, dude.

Maybe you should call him back in a little bit.

Maybe, maybe, maybe

We'll see, we'll see

Yeah

Alright

Put a

Big gold star next to that

So I can remember to call it back

Much obliged

Okay, next is Keith

Who says he's relaxing in the city for the weekend

This is the one I talked about

Before we went to break

He's relaxing in the shitty Traveler's Inn

Oh

Thank you for that

I smell bad in there

You know that smell when you first walk into a cheap hotel room?

Mm-mm.

Before you get the AC going.

It smells like love.

It smells like scent.

For calling Travelers, this is Adriana.

How can I help you?

Adriana, I need to speak with Mr. Lewis who's staying there.

Give me a second.

L-E-W-I-S.

What's the last name?

Lewis.

L-E-W-I-S.

First name Keith.

Keith?

Yes.

Okay, give me a second.

Okay.

For your call, please stay on the line.

Go ahead and kneel.

Okay.

Travelers Inn, Keith Lewis.

I thought we were still on the Japanese guy things.

Phoenix, Phoenix.

Hi, this is Keith.

Hi, Keith, how are you?

I'm doing good, how are you doing?

Doing just fine, baby.

This is Mina, and I'm calling down from Travelers Inn Corporate,

and we wanted to see how you were enjoying your stay at the Travelers Inn.

Good.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm doing fine, honey.

But I'm here to check on you, make sure you're doing fine.

Oh, yeah.

Would you mind answering a question?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's for a survey for, you know, with you as a patron.

So why exactly are you in town?

What are you in town for?

Oh, the man with the weight on his shoulders and 16 wheels.

Lovely.

18.

18 wheels.

Thank you.

Thank you, baby.

Yeah, you are.

But some do have 16, but mine got 18.

Oh, okay.

You drive to church in that 18-wheeler?

Do you drive to church in that 18-wheeler?

Do I drive?

I don't know why it's echoing.

Yeah, it's like repeating back everything I'm saying.

me oh really huh all right i understand what you said what'd you say um i said hi how's it going

oh no oh i heard it i just heard myself that was weird you oh you heard it too yeah i just heard it

are you gonna get down and dirty on the phone too you get down and dirty on the phone

not on the phone you've never tried it okay just checking man i don't feel any hip thrusts coming

Oh, excuse me.

What did you say, man?

I said, excuse me.

I just queefed.

Oh, yeah.

Bless you.

You're blessed out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So where are you located here?

I am in Las Vegas.

Oh, really?

Sin City.

You know, when you open that hotel room and it smells like sin and consent.

I can't get through Las Vegas yet.

Yeah.

Okay, man.

You're weird.

What?

You've been friend-zoned.

Hmm?

Okay.

You guys, go for it.

Hey, hey.

I'm the manager here.

Okay.

So, I was, we were just testing you to see if you would want to have phone sex with Mina here.

Oh, yeah.

So, you don't like phone sex?

No, man, I don't like D&T.

All right, well, just because we were performing this experiment, now you're eligible for essential massage.

Oh, yeah.

Y'all kind of waited late, didn't you, man?

Yeah, well, we're in a 24-hour hotel, and, you know, the hotel never closes.

Because you assholes are always in here fucking.

Yeah, and I've been to this hotel, like, what, three, four times, and I never had a courtesy call.

Yeah, well, we've been watching you.

Watching me how?

I got my eye on you, boy.

Yeah, ever since you come in here in town, boy, I've been watching you, boy.

You got here for the weekend, boy?

Thought you'd look around?

No.

You had a good time in town, boy?

I'm chilling, man.

All right.

I appreciate the call.

It's time to go back to where you're from, boy.

All right.

Just imagine myself holding a shotgun.

Man, the brother's trying to be getting up on neon tonight.

yeah man how you doing now boy all scary up in here y'all nights too literally like

dwight do you want to talk to him again see if you can get through to him

sure for any reason central massage is like oh no

how you doing there i need to speak with uh keith lewis please

one second thank you maybe he won't answer come on keith you can do it keith you can do it

all right i'm killing it sorry man you can get the next one though it says george's

in uh waco okay cool possibly like a diner kind of place

you want the next one then dwight since you missed out there sure

i'm here i got a blindfold on uh why because i started talking about sensual massage

are you on the youtube doing that or no i'm not doing your youtubes anymore oh i gotta get the

cameras and stuff going cameras get the angles going be sad and angry at the camera the lighting

a lighting the grip person yeah the grip and the mic the boom person boom mic that's it the

The boom mic operator.

Mm-hmm.

Operator.

What a fucking union bullshit time.

Where's the milkman?

I'm an operator.

Um, I talked to him.

He said he had to work today.

He is, uh, he's got, uh, from that accident, his rotator cuff, uh, the doctor is deciding

to put him under the knife for the rotator cuff that got hurt in the car accident.

Oh, my poor milkman.

Yeah, that sucks.

Oh.

So he's kind of bummed out.

But I told him, hey, man, maybe you'll be able to just take a break

and not do anything for a little while like me.

Yeah, heal up a little bit.

Straight up.

Aw, well, if you talk to him, man, send him my best.

I miss him.

You got it.

No problem.

All right, here's for Dwight still, if he wants it,

the offers on the table, Waffle House.

Aw, Frank from Baird.

Thank you for calling.

Your question came to Waffle House.

This is Kev speaking.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I was just wondering, are you guys open?

We're open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 3 seasons.

Okay, are you serving the full menus and everything?

Yes, sir, we are.

Okay, listen, do you have enough room, enough spaces for, there's about 30 of us?

30?

For 30.

Hello?

Yeah.

How can we help you?

I was just calling to make sure you were open and make sure you got enough room for 30 spaces for us to come in.

Yeah, Waffle House never closes.

We're always open.

Well, I didn't know how busy you were and if you got enough room.

Oh, we got plenty of room.

Okay.

Now, the parking lot, what's the parking lot looking like?

Because we have 30 bikes we've got to park.

We have a spot.

You're welcome.

Y'all have a nice night.

We have a spot right by our high-rise sign that you can just fill that whole area up with the bikes.

All right.

And when we come in, I'm going to need you to cordon off the door.

No civilians are to come in.

We're going to have our meeting while we have some delicious waffles.

Okay.

So, the restaurant will need to be closed off.

Okay.

So, make it happen.

and if something goes wrong i'm holding you responsible okay all right all right yeah you

write down the the reservation for the coxas okay all right be there in 10 minutes all right

see you tits yeah you tell them do i you tell them how it is motherfucker right neon you like

that fucking biker gangs are gonna be in there god damn it oh my god motherfucker yeah so nia

Yeah, what have you been up to?

How was your weekend?

Weekend was good.

Yeah, it was good.

I had a good Saturday.

I had a good Sunday today.

Nice, man.

I don't think I slept well last night.

Like, I slept.

I got my eight hours, woke up, and I was just kind of all day.

I took, like, an angry nap around 2.

An angry nap?

Yeah, it wasn't good.

Like, an angry nap.

I was trying to watch Netflix, and I put my head down, so I'm trying to listen, and an angry nap, yeah.

and then i kind of had another one while i was playing my audiobook i was i'm reading the new

um steve jobs uh book the newest one that came out just came out a few weeks ago it's pretty

good it's pretty good i love that story oh speaking of which the trailer for the new

steve jobs movie came out um around 6 7 p.m tonight and it's fucking retarded that's all i

i gotta say uh oh who's in it like seth rogan is playing waz i think and you actually see him as

well it's a teaser trailer but i was not yeah kind of worried about it are you guys there what's

going on yeah i'm listening man i was just i thought you were asking me a question so i was

waiting for the question but you're talking so maybe say wow that's something yeah wow

All right, Mina Tompkinson, does she want to call a Waffle House or somewhere else?

I have different Waffle Highs.

Waffle House.

Okay, I guess a Waffle House.

Is that okay with you?

I also have, I don't know, a mall.

The mall where the fight happened.

The mall?

Yeah, like bowling alleys?

I'm sure we can get some.

i can get some but can i give you a waffle house in the meantime sure all right dude that's great

buddy and then after that right honey baby llama needs to do a prank too don't forget llama guys

if you want a diet llama died or never mind all right oh

i gotta make a note i gotta catch up on the gas station

with the milk that went out of code don't know if y'all caught that but that was funny what

What happened?

You got expired milk?

I'm ready to waffle house.

This is it.

Hi.

I was just wondering, I was going to have a party come in, and I was wondering if you guys cater.

Yes, one second.

Holding on.

We don't cater, but we do carry out.

Okay, so just checking to see, like, do you guys serve pancakes there?

No.

Okay, so would you guys consider your waffles to be healthy, pretty healthy?

Hello?

well hi i was just trying to check on a menu item yes ma'am so would you guys consider waffles to be

um pancakes with abs no okay then i'm gonna go to the pancake house you all right you go to ihop

have fun can i make an order i'll make an order oh oh sorry that's weird no i was trying to get

two for there yeah i thought you always get started doing fine you go to you go to ihop

No, I said I'm going to fucking Pancake House.

Pancakes with ribs.

I was going to go to Denny's.

I laughed at pancakes.

All right.

So is the batter the same?

My mom never did waffles.

It was either pancakes or Eggos thrown in the toaster or the microwave.

Dude, straight up, they're the same thing.

Yeah.

Dwight, you're white.

Do you know?

Do you guys have buttermilk pancakes, Dwight?

No.

Do you use the same butter batter?

There's milk in the goddamn batter, but.

Is there a separate waffle batter, or can you use this pancake batter?

I think it's the same damn thing, just put in a griddle.

So it's just a texture thing, then.

Well, then I'd rather have a waffle, because you get a lot of...

I love the crispy parts, and if you do it right, you can get really crispy.

Fuck yeah, man.

You get one of those...

I think I got one around here, a fucking waffle maker.

It's the one you put on the stove, you just pour the batter in,

you just fucking flip the pan, it's a two-sided pan.

I don't know.

Double-sided, dildo waffle.

I've made it at a...

There's a hotel chain that, for their breakfast, they have a waffle iron thing.

you can put it in and then you flip it

and all this shit

that's what she said

I watched a lot of Office

this weekend

I watched a compilation of

that's what she said from the Office

it's really really good

that's what she said

oh man

mama are you here yet sir

oh yeah I'm here

you want to do a prank we got Waffle House here

if you want some waffles

Yeah.

Do you want me to order food, or am I allowed to do the breaker thing?

Do whatever you want, man.

You can do the breakers.

I did a breaker earlier.

Oh, that's what I was talking about.

I did a breaker call, Neon, and after I did it, I told the guy,

oh, well, the backup didn't kick in, the generator.

All the milk can't be sold now because it was refrigerated for more than 10 seconds.

And he's like, okay, all right.

I didn't have him throw it out, but I told him to tape it off and not sell any.

but hey carlito yes do you have um something that's making it echo no hello hello take it

away hello good afternoon ma'am good morning i should say i guess huh how are you i'm doing

all right also my name is craig i'm calling from the corporate office here in norcross georgia with

you guys pretty busy right now um just a little bit but not too bad okay great do you have time

to do a quick reset for me for the it department quick reset it's pretty simple it's simple

Simple Basic Instruction.

Just look to your left.

Do you have the cordless phone there, actually?

Cordless phone?

No.

Oh, crap.

All right.

I'm going to have to call you back on a cell phone there.

That way I can just go ahead and walk you through it.

Hang on just a second.

All right.

Please hurry.

And again, my name's Craig, and I mean, if it helps you out, I'll give you my direct

extension here if you have any questions for your supervisor.

Actually, hang on just a second.

I'm not the person who's here.

That's all right, ma'am.

You can follow Simple Basic Instruction, right?

It's really that.

It's not that easy.

It's going to take about 60 seconds.

All right.

Let me grab your number and I'll go ahead and call you

still on the phone here while you're on the phone with me here.

We're going to call you really quickly and then we'll go ahead and get this taken care of. I appreciate your patience.

No problem. Hello? Hello, Christy? This is Natalie.

Hang on just a second and I'll give you to Christy. I'm confused here. You guys are

passing me back and forth here, eh? Hello, ma'am? Sorry, I'm also

having to take care of orders. I'm sorry. No worries. Like I said, it'll take 60 seconds.

is look to your left right there walk through those double doors back there to the panel on

the wall there should be three panels labeled a b and c um they would look something like um oh i

don't know like a breaker box in your home that's what they're going to look like they'll be right

there on the left wall when you walk in awesome can you open a and b for me pretty please but

please do not touch anything until i tell you exactly what to do we're going to make sure we

do this correctly all right did you get them open um i got a open okay the other one just

Just slide that black switch down, and it should pop right open for you.

On B?

There is no switch to slide it down.

Okay, no worries.

Just the A, hopefully this will work.

If not, we might have to call you back here in just a little while.

But, okay, that open panel on A, do you see a switch there that's larger than the others at the very top or the very bottom?

Wait, what is your question?

Sorry.

I didn't hear you.

Say that again.

At the bottom or the top?

Yes, ma'am.

There should be a switch there that's larger than the others.

It should have an M next to it, or it should say something similar to, like, it should say main.

Maybe sometimes they say that.

Has your store been remodeled?

It hasn't been remodeled yet, has it?

I do not know.

Okay, yeah.

So it's going to be the main one there, the very top one.

You see it?

It's larger than the rest of them in that box.

And this one, they all have the exact same size.

Okay, well, that's fine.

Not a big deal.

Flip off the first eight for me, please, and then we'll do the bottom four after that.

Go ahead and let me know when you start so I can make a note here.

All right.

Go ahead, please.

One.

The quicker you do it, the more likely it is to work.

So just go ahead and switch that whole panel off for me really quickly, really fast.

I can't see now.

That's all right.

Keep going down.

You're all right.

I can see you on the camera.

You're doing very well.

This is important.

It's corporate.

Ask me to do this.

If someone's giving you shit, then I'll give them my name and my extension.

We have to get this done.

I'm showing it's coming back up here.

Yeah, you're looking good.

And then after this, go ahead and flip them back on, and then we'll do a quick customer survey,

and we will let you have your morning.

There we go.

Okay.

All right, just go ahead.

Everything came back up to lights, right?

Yes, sir.

Great, awesome.

Walk back in there for me really quickly.

Just hand the first customer you see that phone really quickly.

We're going to ask them three simple questions,

and we're going to give them like a coupon or something in the mail,

or if they have an email, we'll email it to them,

and then we'll let you have a great day.

All right.

All right, awesome.

Just give them the phone.

That's all right.

That's fine.

Just hand him the phone.

It's all right.

I'll take care of the talking.

Just hand him the phone.

All right.

You just fix it.

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Hurry up.

You're still asking.

Just give him the phone and tell him to talk to your friend at corporate.

Have all goddamn night.

Hello, sir.

Are you a customer there at the Waffle House?

I am.

Great, man.

Please have your name.

Do you mind answering four simple questions for me?

Well, what is this in regards to?

My name is Chris, and I'm calling from the corporate office with Waffle House from Norcross, Georgia.

Hi.

Hi, Chris.

Hey, is there going to be a problem? Are you good?

Because I don't, you know, if you're going to be a dick about it, I'll just give this free shit to someone else.

You know what? Give her back the phone. Fuck off.

I don't even want to talk to you anymore, asshole.

Hey, dude. Who the hell?

Fuck you. Hold on. I'm putting you on to my goddamn boss.

You hold on one motherfucking second.

Boss, are you here?

Yeah, how you doing? What's going on?

Hello.

I'm here.

Yeah, I'm Craig's supervisor. Who is this?

This is Natalie from Waffle House in Ennett.

How you doing there, tits?

We got a problem, apparently, with the person you handed the phone.

He's got quite the attitude problem there, and I don't feel safe having you serve him tonight.

I'm sorry.

I was told to give it to a customer, and we're actually trying to get busy, so I'm sorry.

It's no problem.

He had an attitude problem, and number one, I don't want him in there anymore, so he needs to excuse himself from the establishment.

He's gone.

Gone.

I'll call back.

Bitch.

Why'd you do that to me?

I don't want to cry.

I felt like that guy probably worked there, you know?

I didn't believe he was a Christian.

I believed him.

Every word of it.

Hello?

How you doing?

This is Dwight, the supervisor.

I was calling back there.

We got disconnected there.

Okay.

And what do you need?

Well, I need to do the survey still here.

Okay.

So we got to make this happen.

Unfortunately, I can't let Chris leave until we do the survey.

You can't let who leave?

The guy you were just speaking to?

That's Craig, sir. My name's Craig, sir.

You're new, okay? Whatever.

I can't let Craig leave this place until he does his monthly survey.

He's very behind on his quota, and the deal was he goes home once he gets one survey done.

Okay. And who are y'all with?

I'm with the Waffle House Corporate.

Yeah. They just need you to do a survey.

Yeah.

What?

I told you, sir. She was awfully short with me earlier.

here well we don't get some cooperation here some some people are going to be written up and losing

some jobs okay well we're going to disconnect this phone call and you can speak to the manager here

in the morning okay and what's your name i'm going to put it down on the report

oh you fucking whore bitch that was fun that was cray cray y'all

we spoke to well charlie for a quick second last night who's that charlie sai the fucking

chinga to madre bullshit

chinese guy chinga to mollyway

she doesn't know charlie she's too new i'm too new i'm still trying to figure out where i fit in

With the men.

Mm-hmm.

Got a different one.

It's third.

And he said that I should talk to Charlie.

He likes girls to call him.

Who is this guy?

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Give me just a moment.

Okay, fucker.

What can we get for you?

Why is it so funny the way I said it?

No, what can we get for you?

Oh, it sounds like you're making fun of me or something.

No, we had a prank call earlier.

Oh, no.

Do you have Coke or Pepsi products?

Coke, right?

Coke.

All right, good.

Good, then we'll continue.

I'd like one eggs.

How do you want the eggs cooked?

With heat.

Hot eggs with a little bit of oil or spray on the grill.

Do you want them like over medium, scrambled, sunny side up?

Hot, hot, cooked with heat until they're, you know, the right safe temperature to consume

to kill any bacteria or anything like that.

Okay.

Okay, I also need one bread.

Okay, one meat.

Which meat would you like?

Breakfast meat.

We have bacon, sausage, and ham.

Uh, pork.

Okay, it's bacon, sausage, or ham.

All right, so give me the pork then.

The one that has pork.

All three of them have pork.

Which one has the most pork in it?

All three of them is completely pork.

Now, come on now.

You either sell pork or you don't.

Oh, man.

Oh, shit.

She thought they all has completely ham or pork.

They're all completely pork.

Which one has more?

actually sausage would be the loser there because it has a casing right that

was the first one we called tonight by the way that's why she said they're

so she was like

we had some prank calls earlier

I think she was back like

making fun of me

like excuse me I didn't say it any type of way

I didn't say it any type of way

okay this place is called

Griff's in Waco

see if they got any empty bottles so we can make it to Knives

I think that place is gone

gone, closed, or burned down.

The next one is BJ's

in the Richland Mall. BJ's Richland Mall.

So this is

down the street from where the

riot happened. You think they're still

open now?

I don't know.

I don't know if this is a BJ's warehouse.

Should we call it Gaslamp or something?

Gaslamp?

Gaslamp.

Gaslamp Pizza?

do i have a number did you suggest that yeah i'm going down the list right now oh okay but i can

make a move we can do that we can up a priority on that ticket shout out to bj's you know what

i'm saying neon yummy i'm gonna order that on you register with bj's that's it calling bj's

brew house says jeremy how may i help you yeah i'd like to make an order okay and what's the name

uh oh your name's gonna be on rex rex yeah okay and what can i get for you okay uh one brick

say that one more time sir what one one brick one throwing brick and i need about uh 10 feet of

chain steel chain section off sir this is bj's brew house it's a restaurant yeah in waco right

right right but brick and chain yeah yeah do you if you can if i can make an order because

um i went to lowe's on my bike and they said no we can't sell chains and bricks to you guys they

told us so we're like looking around town uh because they uh they confident we sell food we

don't have like items like that like home depot or lowe's yeah i know do you know anywhere else

because i guess let's see when we were driving and they out right at the state line texas state

We got pulled over by a sheriff, and he's the state trooper,

and he was like, no, you boys can't have no.

They took all our bricks and chains and stuff like that.

Do you have bottles?

Bottles we have are going to be, like, full of liquor.

We can't sell any of that.

Yeah, but if you could sell us the whole bottles,

then we can make some knives out of that, I think.

Give me just one second.

Let me grab my manager real quick.

All right.

Jerkish manager.

Evan speaking.

How may I help you?

Oh, is this the same guy?

No, this is Evan.

Oh, it's a very effeminate place.

Yeah, I was calling because we got our chains and bricks confiscated when we were at the state line.

They said we could drive into the state and go into Waco, but we couldn't have any chains and bricks.

Well, I think that's because of the motorcycle people that's been causing trouble.

Yeah, well, we were coming in for that.

And then so when we went to Lowe's and over there, they said, no, you people can't buy any chain here, they said.

No bricks.

They refused our service because we were on motorcycles.

They said, no, you people can't be buying that here, like that.

The manager came out, and he shot a gun in the air and everything like that.

He said, no.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, we had to go.

And at the Home Depot, the manager just kept saying, no, I'll blame English or something like that.

Wow, that's kind of messed up.

Yeah, so, I mean, do you know anywhere else we could get some, like, chains?

Like, do you have bottles?

Can we buy some liquor bottles?

Because we can, like, drink all the alcohol and then break the bottles and use it to stab people.

Right, I understand.

But no, unfortunately, sir, that's against our TABC rules, and we're just, I would get fired if I sold a whole bottle of liquor.

Oh, you can't actually sell the bottle?

No, sir, unfortunately.

Oh, um, is your trash out back?

uh yes but it's all locked up unfortunately oh we can get around that we have ways of getting

around that that's no problem yeah but sir i just i wouldn't do that that's yeah i got i mean i have

a blowtorch myself we just use a blowtorch on it and cut it yeah but sir you don't want to do that

i mean you know what i mean yeah but where's it at where's it i just just just if i was just

curious uh where is it and out in the back is it dark in that area is there like a street i mean

mean uh it's all lighted up shit so we're gonna have to take out the lights then i mean sir i

wouldn't recommend that all right you know what i mean so uh i just i don't want to do this

but i would have to contact somebody you know you i can't allow you to come and vandalize my

property you know what i mean all right well let me put my squad leader chief uh chief mcclanahan

he's our leader of our flight here he might have an idea i don't know chief hey hello uh yes sir

Sir, this is Evan speaking.

Listen, how do you lock your dumpster? How does it lock?

I mean, I can't really disclose that information.

Do you use master lock?

I just, I can't disclose that information.

Okay. You go home now. You go home, you lay your head on pillow.

Tomorrow your dumpster will be gone.

Okay, sir.

I'm going to have 35 motorcycles hook up to it. We're going to pull it away.

way okay uh i mean um i mean i just would not recommend that we will we will return it uh after

the gang fight tomorrow we're going to hide in it okay it might be it might be full of gasoline

it's the perfect cover yeah i mean it is perfect cover but i just don't think it'd be ideal

to take our dumpster see what we're gonna do we put this plan in motion i talked to uh cletus

is Van Damme and Vic Mackey. We're going to

get a Armenian garbage truck

and we're going to pick up the dumpster

and we're going to use it. I mean,

I think that's a pretty, I mean, that's a

solid idea, but I just would wish

and ask. You want to join us?

Someone else's dumpster, please.

You want to join us? I do

not want to join y'all. We got

a cut just for you.

No, your prospect name

will be Pussy Lips.

Okay, well, I'm just

I just

I just wouldn't recommend using our dumpster.

There's a lot of other dumpsters that have a lot less...

Hey, whose is more reinforced?

Whose is more reinforced?

Yeah, which dumpster?

Probably the one down the street, like Whataburger or something like that.

Whataburger? Okay, we'll get those.

You've been a good guy.

I appreciate that very much, sir, and, you know, good luck tomorrow.

Hey, while we're over there, you want us to torch them, put them out of business for you?

No, sir, there's no need for that.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

All right, sir.

All right.

I'll bring you...

I will report to you tomorrow.

Okay, sir.

I appreciate that.

All right.

Bye, sir.

Bye, Pussy Lips.

Nice.

He was trying so hard not to get in the shit, you know.

Nice guy, though.

He's willing to help out a little bit, I guess.

Yeah.

You got that referenced, didn't you there, Carlito?

Vic Mackey and...

Yeah, the Armenian fucking garbage truck.

all we're gonna do is the armenian money train robbery god damn it all right crickets grill

dashie wants us to call around businesses in waco and ask them for protection money

be ashamed of a brick worth of this window all right llama you're up if you'd like

this is crickets grill do you want it or no yeah all right if you release this call

have that moon cricket something special there fuck you george checking out the next number

David Robin

uh

Comcast Complainer

alright

looks like that's the

route we're going

and that'll be

Llama's number still

if he still wants it

so did you enjoy

that video Carly

I know I gotta go back

and like a bunch of them

and take out the music

and shit in the end

in the front and beginning

which won't be

a big problem

yeah

well

I got all the videos

on my computer

I just slap them

into the thing

and fucking just edit

the shit out

yeah cause if

if you start getting

a lot of viewers

they start paying attention

to it more

and they're like

oh copyright

It's all automatic.

It'll do it automatically.

That Kelly Fry one I did,

CBS and Lionsgate fucking did that one.

I've had entire shows

get muted.

You just see me doing a show on YouTube

and you can't listen to anything because of one song

in it.

That was the only one that blocked

completely.

But yeah,

calling that Dave at the

Hunter River and I'm being unfairly

accused of masturbating.

i thought i needed witnesses i was losing my shit just listen to this guy recap what was going on

he's like i was not masturbating then you fucking just crack it up

oh hi it's christian um i'm not available right now but well we weren't looking for christian

we were looking for david who had a comcast problem he was uh yeah you tweet about it or

something yeah they tweeted about it we're gonna do we're gonna do the next one then

Oh no, that was Kusan

Okay, so I skipped

Alright, this is David instead

But David's a Comcast complainer

Alright, here's someone complaining about

It's a lady named Angie

Who was complaining about

Verizon

Verizon, she's taken a stand against domestic violence with Verizon.

Oh, she's actually pooled with Verizon over that.

All right, so I guess Verizon is having some anti-domestic violence campaign,

and she posted in support of it.

I don't know if you want that one.

Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

All right.

I'm bad karma.

I'm going to take a pass on whatever's next.

All right, then.

Allison is a Time Warner

complainer. There you go.

Do we have another one?

Yes.

Steven said

don't get arrested again, Carlito.

And George claims you've never been arrested,

which is false.

Yes, it's false.

I do have an arrest.

you reach allison's house can you give me a message

that's right yeah about time to wrap up the show anyway it's one o'clock

no way man it's past one o'clock yeah it's past one o'clock you better stay up till three o'clock

oh fuck that two o'clock no i gotta get up early tomorrow make phone calls i think she's

Daniel

has a Comcast complaint

why was his fast forward feature disabled

for the entire show

and not just commercials because that's up to

the

that's up to the network

that's providing the

content

not the fucking company

I don't know about that

it's always

well number one

one you have to be it has to be pre-recorded or if you rewound at some point you can then fast

forward to catch up but it's never been disabled for dish no maybe not but comcast they give that

ability that ability is available to them that's why there's that big fight between the hopper and

cbs right now because the the dish with their hopper things is they don't want to um provide

that and cbs is like they they block fast forwarding on their uh on-demand stuff and

And actually here, the answer they got from Comcast is, sorry, it says, disabling the fast-forward feature for entire shows is something that is done by the responsible networks, not Comcast.

Yeah, I hear it like if you watch something the night before, and this happens on CBS, too.

So if you do it the night before and you say you go to watch it the next day, you then have the hopper feature and where it says, do you want to skip commercials?

Yes or no?

Yes, and it's always available.

I don't know what's going on with Comcast.

well yeah i know i think the nbc that nbc on demand stuff does the same thing

yeah um see this is this is an on-demand it uh with this you can set your locals to

automatically record yeah yeah yeah and it's it's their prime time bullshit and uh then when you go

back to watch it the hoppers uh commercial skipping is automatically uh in play yeah

Yeah, there's still a lot of shit going on.

CBS is not very happy about it.

It's been a while since we've been fighting over it.

CBs?

Yeah.

I guess the Comcast Time Warner merger fell through.

Is that true?

I haven't heard.

That was always my thing with Time Warner Cable.

I'd tell them to fucking deal with it.

We're Comcast now.

They should expect it.

Today I heard it fell through on a weekly wrap-up.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from Comcast.

You had a complaint regarding a fast-forward feature, I believe?

Yes, it's actually 1 a.m. where I live right now still.

Oh, that's all right, but we need to close this ticket out, sir, before Monday,

before the start of operations Monday, or it affects my stats.

That's why I'm calling you back.

I have to do that.

I mean, if it's okay for you to post it on Twitter this late,

it's okay for me to give you a call back to get it fixed, no?

Hello?

Whatever.

Man, I'm in the mood for some watermelon.

melon yeah regulators stopped the comcast time order deal oh hello they do call it a monopoly

again or something i think they threatened to before it even got to them and they i think

comcast terminated they did he ain't gonna pick up now on april 24th comcast announced they had

terminated the because of the opposition okay hey man what's going on nothing i'm calling this

number that llama put in here for a what now a 2002 edwing alaska custom what's that a boat i

I don't think he's there.

Why isn't he there?

It's probably his mom's phone number.

Oh, okay.

Shoot her.

Welcome to the voicemail of 9-0-7-9-5-0.

Should have heard it in conf last night, man.

Llama's sister was just shit-talking him to no end.

Is that really Llama's sister?

I don't know.

For real?

He claimed it was.

I don't know, they both do.

That's kind of creepy.

Yeah, because he's all like, I want to see your tattoo.

Yeah, you don't want to hear your brother talking about, like, hey, what's up, hoes?

My stepsister.

Stepsister.

That's gross still.

Oh, that's fine, though.

That's cool.

You ever see her naked?

Yeah, all the time.

Fuck, yeah.

Ew.

He told me he did her once.

Why am I not surprised?

Oh, my God.

It was an accident.

An accident?

Yeah.

He slipped in?

Yeah, he thought it was his brother.

i thought you were danny i'm sorry well this is confusing you both feel the same jesus christ

that's disgusting any port in the storm amen to that all right we got white headphone

what gas lamp pizza i'm sorry have you called them before neon yeah this is like a swipe

number i was just saying you know is it in the gas lamp district in san diego yeah they're

They're ban-showed pizza makers.

They get pissed.

How's my pizza?

Yeah, hi.

I wanted to make an order.

For pickup or delivery?

Uh, for pickup.

Okay, one pizza.

What kind of pizza?

Uh, cooked.

Hot pizza.

Fresh.

Pizza cooked?

Mm-hmm.

Fresh cooked hot pizza.

What is that?

With cheese.

Cheese and what?

Uh, water, flour, oil.

Cheese, water, flour, oil?

Uh-huh.

Yeast.

Barbecue sauce?

Hot sauce, too?

No, no.

No, no?

No.

Salt and pepper?

So I need pizza sauce on it?

Maybe with tomatoes?

Like Coke and Sprite?

No?

No, no.

Or hot water, cold water.

One bhenchod?

Yeah, we have that.

Okay.

So you have a sister there that can make the pizza for me,

then I can chod her from behind?

Yeah, I will make whatever.

Just come down here, and then I'll make it for you.

Okay.

You make your sister do everything I want.

Everything I want to her.

Wherever you want.

Whatever you want.

Just come down here.

What about your mother?

will she be there my mother yeah she will make it for you okay and then i'll have your ass at the

end yeah of course can i get my ass too okay oh here's a girl maybe she'll like her to talk to a

girl uh be honest i don't like to but you like boys get on me neon hi baby what's up hello hi

were you waiting for me i'll be waiting all the time oh waiting all night oh yeah yeah do you know

You know how to make a girl purr?

Are you her mom?

No.

No?

Then are you her sister?

No.

I'm going to be your fucking mother, bitch.

Bend over.

You want me to send in my mother?

Yeah, I'm going to hit you in the ass with your sandal.

You guys just stalking.

You guys just...

Like a fake.

Fake?

Yeah.

You want to hit me in the ass with your sandal?

I'll be honest, I've never had a charge before.

So I don't want to have any charge anymore.

You don't want to be charged?

No, I don't want to have the trash.

Oh, it doesn't have to be trashy if it doesn't have to be, baby.

You get the silk out.

We'll do it right.

It's okay.

You guys still want the pizza without water?

Fuck yeah, I want that pizza all over me.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, sounds good.

So just come down here, then I'll make it for you.

Oh.

I'll make you.

Hey, I'm going to come down with her.

Can I take a shit right there in your fucking lobby?

Yeah, no problem.

Can you make my banana stand?

I will make to your mom, too.

Okay.

Can you come on the phone?

I'll be right for you, okay?

Bye-bye.

Hey.

Hey. Bye. Bye.

Wait. Oops.

Uh-oh.

Must be sexy Sunday over here.

Most of the time

he's fucking, they flip the,

you come down here

and I'll fucking show you how to beat

your ass.

We called back with their number several times.

I'm going to report this number

to the police. It's like, did you look at the

number, you dumbass?

You will be arrested.

invested. White headphones

for sale. Neon, you found this one?

Cool.

Oh, these are your headphones? Yeah.

No, remember that one guy we talked to?

No. Remember the white headphones

guy? You're just like, you called a

couple weeks ago, and you're like,

I'm sorry. Why are they

gotta be white headphones? Yeah.

So that's the guy I called tonight.

Did I say that's that guy?

No, we did. You're just

like, oh, fuck it. I can't handle this guy.

So me and Dwight finished him off.

Hello? Hey. Hey, buddy.

Hello? Don't be shy.

Are you listening? Me and Neon

finished him off. You want to be finished?

A little bit. Some of that.

He's there, but...

You must have really done a number on him.

Okay, I'm sorry. So, we got this guy

and started talking

to him, right? So then I called him tonight

on my show, and he was jacking off.

What? Yeah.

Like, seriously? Like he said

he was, or it sounded like he was?

You could hear it. Oh.

skull you can hear him just abusing himself he was just banging at it man and the only way we

got him off was what because i said i was 12 years old and that he was a phone rapist

calling him back catch it on the show real on the podcast at the moment oh no

get used grease it burns the eyes okay these are fun um is that it now we're done now we're

out of numbers there's a number at the bottom the dash oh my god he humbly requested we've got more

numbers if you want them damn it i just got here i'll do if you guys get me good numbers i'll keep

doing them that's okay i'll get i have two can we talk to the band show yeah yeah i'll work on that

i'll get one for you oh okay i called the gas lamp pizza oh are they band showed or are they

they're band shows he seemed to be okay i called them before baths yeah i know i guess i just

just couldn't remember if they were another type of devil people all right hey bass welcome bass

uh hi we got a crazy so this guy from dashi crazy angry his son flipped

hello hello yeah i was calling uh you from uh for paul paul i'm sorry paul do you know what time it

Yeah, I'm calling from the missionary office.

We have a problem.

Yeah, from the World Missionary Office, and there's an urgent problem.

Well, to be honest, this is sensitive information for Paul.

No, you're not.

You're a woman.

You're his wife.

That doesn't count.

That has to do with his mistress.

I can't talk to you about it.

Yes.

Now, you know, you insisted.

You insisted, right?

Mistress.

Okay.

Okay, all right, well, this is about the recent one.

He ejaculated inside her without pulling out, I guess.

Oh, he did?

He came inside her.

Gee, well, tell you what.

Tell him.

Why don't you come on over to my house and we'll discuss it in the bathtub and see what happens.

I'll do it to you.

I'll do it in the, I'll cream pie you.

Turn, Ben.

Ben.

Motherfucker.

Hey.

Lose motherfuckers right now.

Fuck you, Satan.

I'm not fucking kidding around.

Fuck you, devil.

You call this here again, I will have this, and I will come and rip your fucking ass.

Do you think a tracer can stop us?

Listen up there, Ruby Ridge.

Quiet down.

Yeah, take it easy, buddy.

No.

Fuck all you.

Do not.

You want to work it out?

Okay, Timothy McVeigh.

You want to work it out?

You want to go to war?

Yeah, yeah.

Where you at, motherfucker?

I will be there in five minutes.

I'm in Pinellas County.

Where the fuck are you?

I'm in Pinellas County.

Oh, so am I.

You are?

Yeah, where the fuck are you?

I will find your ass.

I'm in Tarpon Springs.

You can meet me at the Kmart parking lot, Tarpon Springs.

Tarpon Springs? I'm not going that fucking far.

Well, fuck you then, because you're a pussy, that's why.

Hey, man, are you mad because she knows, bro?

Are you mad?

Honey, if I was mad, I'd be yelling.

You will be after this call, right?

You don't want it on recording?

Yeah, okay.

Sure thing.

Wow.

That guy, he has a mistress, dude.

Believe me.

Escalated quickly.

She doesn't care.

Wow.

She probably doesn't even have, like, half a body or something.

She probably has half a mouth.

Half a mouth.

Yeah.

I'd rather have two.

You want to call her back from last week, Dwight?

Half a mouth woman?

I'm leaving if you do.

That was terrible.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I remember that.

Really, guys?

You're upset?

I was around for that.

I didn't like that one.

Oh, it was funny.

That was freaky.

I liked it.

Let's do it.

You know what, though?

She kind of, like, you know, with all due respect, though, she kind of turned it around

out and she was just like you know is that why you guys are gonna call you guys just gonna call

because of my disability because what else do you want to say i felt bad and i didn't call her

but it was like she wasn't afraid like she knew what was up you know brave she's actually very

brave yeah so it you know turned around she turned it around i looked at her twitter and she shows

like she's like having surgery today this is the insert here this and that she's like fuck it this

happened to me and let the world see it i don't care she's still there it's good for her business

business and shit yeah she complains about when she gets shit service like

dwight was looking she has a lot of wars with a lot of different places well i mean you can

only imagine especially since she still has which is a good thing i mean she has like that brave

since sensibility about her so she goes into like a phone call or customer service thing

people just think she's retarded so they just cast her to the side well she's the one that's

probably why she feels that way she's the one that was given all horse head it's not our fault

she has to live with that mistake you know for the rest of her life but that's okay

wait what did she do she did what did she do she was uh blowing a horse that's how her

mouth got messed up like the horse click oh my god

so the horse machine finally got laid huh

It's like Mr. Hands Part 2

I don't know

That's sick Baz

I don't know what that is

Mr. Hands

You don't know that Carlito?

The dude that got

Oh he died

He died

He got mounted by a stallion

And it perforated his colon or something

And he died

He died but that video is famous

That would be the best way to go

So, we're going to go with a smile somewhere.

I don't know if he'd be smiling.

He had broken in, right?

That's sick shit.

He had broken into that barn, right, to do it?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know all the specifics.

Oh, we'll go for now.

Watch the video.

Let me know.

Get me ready.

It's on Wikipedia.

Oh, I can do that.

Cliff.

Cliff is a contact we have in Vegas who's selling or getting rid of a red-nosed pitbull.

Yeah.

All right.

Llama did you want to try since you got skipped over before I don't care. I love pitbulls

You have a red nose or blue nose blue nose, I wonder what the difference is

What's this fucking guy's name cliff with one F and he hung up cliff. Yeah like the bars

Hello, hey cliff. This is Chris. I'm calling about the red nose pitbull you got the cell

Oh, yeah.

What's happening, man?

Not a whole lot.

Just looking to get me a new dog, you know?

The other one passed away, unfortunately, last week.

How many of them pits you got out there, bro?

I just got him.

Oh, shit.

Is he neutered?

Yeah, he's neutered.

Are the pit bull there, how big a boy is he?

How big is he?

He's kind of no shit.

He's the one that's like the real thick one.

So he's kind of, he's like.

Gotcha.

I'm going to be real honest with you.

The reason I'm calling, I actually work for Michael Vick.

I'm one of his assistants here on his farm out in Virginia.

He's looking to get back into the game, if you know what I mean.

You know where I'm going with that?

Yeah.

How much money are you asking for this big old boy?

I don't want to sell him to him for that, man.

I'm going to have to fight him, man.

No, we're not going to fight him.

He's going to be more of a bait dog.

We're going to make sure he's very well taken care of.

Hell, I've even, Vic has a fucking assistant that'll go out there

and give the damn dog a handjob, like, twice a week.

like this motherfucker's crazy so the dog's gonna be like live like a king you know it's gonna be

fine how big a dick does he have on him does he have a nice set of balls on the back are they

sideways they hang down or like easily to get oh he is neutered yeah god damn it why the fuck didn't

you tell me that why come on bro what did you why'd you get him neutered for you people always

do that stuff follow the law i know how that works all right i can fucking work with that i guess

have his ears been cut off because i know you people like to do that also what you mean you

people you people the uh the black people the blacks the black people you people you guys like

to cut their ears off and and fucking all that bullshit but that's all right i don't blame you

you know it's not your problem you probably didn't have a father to teach you the proper grooming

techniques still there brother all right how much do you want for this motherfucker i'll come get him

right now you got three what who the fuck are you talking to put her on the phone put her on

put that bitch on the phone i want to talk to her she's the one with a dog put her on i'm tired of

your ass hey you people and he was like what people back they not yeah they now think it's

four was five games wake up thing that's crazy yeah i was just reading about that a little

earlier today it's like some sense of anarchy shit at the center were the banditos and the

The COSAX, as you were reporting before.

They're Dwight, right?

Was it Dwight that was reporting?

Via Nova.

And they are reaching up to about 100 weapons on site.

They've come.

Yeah, wow.

I was listening in a little earlier when you guys were making some calls about that.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, nice.

Well, not nice, but, you know.

It is funny, guys, you know.

Hey, Neon.

What's up?

Yo.

All right, here's Phil.

Phil is doing what?

Let's look at his ad.

Free stuff.

Give me.

Gives me that.

Let me look and see exactly what.

Two pairs of black Air Force jump boots.

Air hoses.

Vintage electric hot plate and warmer.

Some smaller wooden wall shells.

Box of cups and small bowls and ramekins.

Hmm.

Stuff of things of this nature.

Box of old athletic medals.

It sounds like it's like some crazy guy's fucking shit.

Oh.

Yeah, hi.

You got some stuff for free?

I did.

It's gone now.

Oh, why'd you get rid of it?

Shit.

fucking asshole huh are you serious yeah i'm serious bitch nuts i wanted some of that shit

i'm entitled to some of that shit motherfucker we're on a conference call yeah hey get some

other shit can you go like give me some other shit that you have for free or get some shit

from someone else and then give it to me for free i'll see what i can do let me get some of

yeah do it now yeah we want your shit we'll stay on the line now but uh probably probably uh next

Next month or something.

Fuck you.

I don't want it now, motherfucker.

What kind of shit?

Okie doke.

Hey, where do you put your food in?

Oh, damn.

Sorry, Matt.

I didn't mean to break it.

Ha ha.

It was funny.

I jumped the gun.

You blew your load.

You prematurely blew your wad, so to say.

Telephone answer machine 388-2085.

Leave a message.

Telephone answer machine.

Great.

Okay.

We got a Regal Commodore, 86 Regal Commodore for sale, 28 feet.

Now, that has to be a boat, right?

Commodore 277XL, that's my guess.

Here it goes.

Yeah, what the fuck is Bitch Nuts, right?

That was funny.

I made that up.

Bitch Nuts.

Yeah, hey, buddy, I see you got a Regal Commodore.

Yeah, sure, huh?

Is that motherfucker still seaworthy?

Sure is.

Yeah, when's the last time you took it out on the ocean?

Uh, I haven't been on the ocean.

It's only for freshwater machine?

Yeah, it has been.

That's all it's good for? You can't take it out on the ocean?

I have no idea, man.

Are you afraid of the ocean?

No.

You're not afraid of the ocean, but you just don't do it?

I just hadn't spent a freshwater boat.

Why?

Damn it.

Why?

Anyway, so have you had it since it was built, or did you buy it?

I've had it for about six or seven years.

How often do you take it out?

Pardon?

How often do you take it out?

Do you know?

Freshwater?

Like once a month.

Like once a month?

Do you do a lot of fucking in it ever?

Any fornicating?

you know the intercourse

get a laugh

get a fucking laugh

that's sick man

yeah I know what I said

you know what's weird I just looked into some of those

videos you were talking about Carlito with the

music and stuff the copyright shit

and you know that

Carl Urban video I did with the whole

his whole speech in the beginning

it said the video

meant third

third-party copyright so i'm like play what's copyrighted it isn't even the part where he's

talking during the intro it's the video portion after that i was like you're kidding me it's the

same video but it's just cut up different and they so they're saying then i'm like well fuck

i'll just go back i'll take that out i'll just put a picture of him in and fucking we'll be good

the audio probably not but the video is probably detectable

All right, that was for another boat, it looks like.

Here's a hot rod for sale, or a night rod for sale or trade.

2008 night rod.

I guess it's...

Fishing rod, huh?

I don't know.

Alma, any idea what a night rod is?

It's a Harley Davidson, I believe.

It's not like a fishing pole

That was way off

I'm just guessing

I think it is though

Night pole

Hello

You have a night rod for sale

Don't hang up

Come on

We have money

We have cash

We have big bucks

Cash money

Big American dollars

Millionaires

Fat stacks

Whoa

I need a handful of melanin

I want to bring the fat stacks in

Oh yeah

So this is for Baz

And this is the last number I'm doing

This is a Bancho restaurant

Sent by Turbo

Or previously allocated by Turbo

Actually this is Baz's number

He sent it to me

So he researched this

Bancho time

On point

Yeah hey

Hey, is this the Indian restaurant?

Yeah, what happened?

It rang and rang and rang.

I was so excited to get Indian food,

and I was worried for a minute that you were closed.

Why do you take so long to answer?

Just now, and it rang like ten times.

You should pick up within the first two rings.

It's good business.

It's in the book.

I'm sorry, I don't mean...

Oh, really?

Oh, maybe it's...

Anyway, we can move past this, all right?

I would like to make an order.

Big, big order.

Big order.

Delicious food.

Yeah, you have the delicious food, right?

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

You have the chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala, okay.

Yeah, I like that hot, Indian hot.

Madras.

Do you want a hot?

Madras.

Yeah, hot.

Hot, hot.

And naan bread.

Naan bread.

I've got to hurry here.

Yeah, and then do you have any of that bhenchod?

Well, yeah, I'm looking at this pamphlet I got about Indian food.

It says banchode.

Yeah, hurry the fuck up. I'm hungry.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to make an order.

I don't know what the problem was.

He was cursing at me.

He said the F word.

Yeah, I need to make an order.

I already tried to get the chicken tikka masala and the naan bread,

and then the banchode.

What's going to happen when I come over?

Why do you have an order?

then you come over here and we can talk

yeah you're going to have a fight

what? yeah we're going to have a fight

you're going to come in front of me

you understand?

yeah I'm going to take a shit in your

tandoori oven you insult me

what? I'm going to come over you insult

me just now I try to

make order on phone you make me come in

I'm going to come now I'm

coming to take a shit in your tandoori

oven I'm going to shit in your hands

then you're going to make it into a patty

and then you're going to bake it in your tandoori oven.

Yeah, it's nice talk.

Yeah, what do you do?

What do you do? I'm coming over.

Yeah, do I come in the back door?

In the Indian door, you said?

What's the Indian door?

What?

No, I don't have no problem.

I just try to make the food order.

I'm hungry.

I'm an American, damn it.

I'm an American.

That's not American.

No, you...

Mm-mm.

I'm American.

I'm American blood.

Brother, okay, here is all Americans sitting here, okay?

Yeah, all right, okay, we'll get past that.

You have...

We can make this right.

You have sister.

What?

You have sister.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, brother.

Yeah, your sister or your mother, I will milk her, and I'll make the paneer.

Gone.

That was fun.

Save that number, Beth.

Oh, my God.

That's a good one for you.

He argued a bit.

Yeah, he did.

He did.

Thank you.

It wasn't the best, but...

I'm dipping out.

Thank you to Neon, to Dwight, to Llama, to Baz for joining me tonight.

Thank you.

Thanks, man.

Thanks for having us on.

Yay!

See you guys tonight.

Bye.

They got to get the fuck out of here.

They're done.

They're out of here on their asses.

Right?

Yeah, I'm probably going to shoot to do a day show this week.

I know I said that last week, and I didn't do it, but I'll give it another go this week

and do a daytime show.

But if not, I'll be here Sunday again.

Next Sunday, next week's Sunday.

Thank you for tuning in.

Be sure to spread the word.

Send your friends to madhouselive.com

and prankcallnation.com

where we have a show on just about every night of the week.

Dwight, who you heard on the air earlier,

will be doing a show Tuesday and Saturday.

Neon will be doing a show on Wednesday,

maybe Saturdays also.

We've got a lot of shows here.

It's a lot of fucking shows.

it's all you need to know okay all right i'm out of here see you peace thanks again bye

Calls (40, 2 h 13 min of 3 h 4 min)

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