Hey It’s Me Again
20 May 2015 · 1 h 18 min · 10,079 words · source
Calls (24, 53 min of 1 h 18 min)
- Clinical coordinator job application with inappropriate behavior live 6.9 min clip ↓
- Clinical director job call live 39 s clip ↓
- Caller asks about job with camera phone live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Calls back about data entry job live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Black Family and Child Services hung up live 5.8 min clip ↓
- Lineman job inquiry transferred live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Message left for Todd Cremins live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Call back to office manager live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Roofing company called about job live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Roofing job inquiry with voice misidentification live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Roofing job application with travel details live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Roofing job app download inquiry live 31 s clip ↓
- Roofing job ad voicemail ivr 39 s clip ↓
- Inside telephone sales rep ad call live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Call for Big Fat Linda with prank follow-up live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Trucking company driver job interview live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Trucking company final offer discussion live 4.6 min clip ↓
- Toll-free job line website issue ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
- Trucking company recruiter asked for job live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Trucking company recruiter asked for transfer live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Yellow Cab driver job inquiry live 1.7 min clip ↓
- School district science teacher application live 2.9 min clip ↓
- Community college billing instructor position live 1.6 min clip ↓
- College HR learning support specialist live 1.4 min clip ↓
Transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.
Attendants and fans watching around the clock.
I wasn't expecting that.
I'm not ready.
Yay, I'm not ready.
I don't want to do a show anymore.
See you guys later.
Bye.
Come on.
Just because you hear a little music, you hang up on me?
Be quiet.
Be quiet.
Hello?
Hello?
Thank you.
May I help you?
Do I get to wear latex gloves?
Do you get to wear latex gloves?
Mm-hmm.
For what?
For the job, because I like latex and stuff like that.
Who are you trying to reach, sir?
I'm calling in for the clinical coordinator position.
And why did you go, ugh, like that?
What's that mean?
No, I didn't.
You rolled your eyes.
You rolled your eyes because I could see it.
I have a camera phone.
I don't know if you knew that, but I can see on my viewer what you did.
That's disgusting.
Oh, okay.
I do apologize.
apologize um so you're calling in regards to the clinical coordinator position yep and i'll kiss
your labia okay oh my gosh really no not really i'm married i can't do that but i do need to work
on that job though can you transfer me okay one moment and what's your name billy okay one moment
okay bye i can hear you still hello you didn't put me on hold yet i can hear you hello sir yeah
could you take me off a speakerphone please hello human resources may help you yeah am i on
speakerphone may i help you am i on speakerphone may i help you i'm asking you a question that's
how you can help me is answer that first so you're being very inappropriate and rude because
i'm asking if i'm on speakerphone without permission asshole rude you're rude there's
any health care may i help you yes hi i was trying to get transferred to your tiring department sir
i i i do apologize but if you're gonna have inappropriate conversations with us like that
That we're not going to be able to talk to you.
All right, I'm going to be professional, but I'm not supposed to talk to you anyway.
What did you tell her about me before I started talking to her?
You said some stuff, didn't you?
Did I tell her some stuff about you?
I transferred her over.
No, you told her first that I was, she told me that you said that,
oh, I have this guy, he's being blah, blah, blah.
I'm going to transfer him to you.
You said that to her, and you can't do that when I'm applying for a job.
You can't do that.
There's laws against that.
I'm not going to argue with you.
I'm just going to go ahead and terminate the call, or either I can transfer you over to my supervisor.
Well, hurry up and transfer me, because you're trouble.
Okay, one moment.
All right.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah.
Hello?
Hi, I had faxed my resume a few days ago for the clinical coordinator position.
Okay.
I don't know what the big holdup is here, but I need a job, and I'm looking, and I've got several other offers.
What's the holdup?
What's your name?
It's Bill.
It wasn't as much as a resume.
It was just like a fax of like a picture of me, my abs.
Okay, we're not going to be able to accept a picture of you.
We would need a resume.
It was a picture of my abs.
Like I have really nice abs.
Okay.
That's what I'm saying.
We would not accept a picture.
We would need a resume to confirm that you do meet the requirements for that position.
Well, I mean, I've got the GED, and I have an AS in human services.
So, I mean, what else do you need?
It's not like this town has a bunch of brilliant people.
I mean, it's like a lot of Negro girls that work in this department, usually, right?
So we would need a resume that shows this.
I'm going to hang up on you.
You're being very rude right now.
Why?
What am I doing?
I don't know what you're doing, but you're being very inappropriate.
I'm in the toilet.
I'm going to ask if you'd be professional.
I'm bad at this.
If you can be professional, we can continue the conversation.
So I'm going to hang up.
All right, give me a second.
Give me a second.
All right, I'm wrapping it up.
Okay.
All right, I'm done.
All right, so would it be better if I just brought the resume down?
Okay, hello?
Yeah?
Are you done?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so what we would need is a resume with your work experience
showing proof that you meet the requirements.
As soon as you fax it in with your contact information, we can call you back.
Okay, I'm just going to bring it in because obviously either you have a problem with your fax
or you don't understand how it works because you're telling me
that you haven't even looked at my resume yet.
I'm asking what you sent, and you're telling me that you sent something inappropriate.
That I sent a picture of myself, a picture of my abs.
Okay.
I'm going to tell you one more time, and then I'm going to end this conversation at this point.
I'll bring a proper resume.
Is there a specific department I go to at your address on Camelback?
Drop it off at the receptionist, and we'll be able to forward it to the correct people.
I'm going to hang up now.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
So these numbers are in Arizona.
Job wanted.
let me turn the music down and i just realized i have i have the music output set to my personal
preference which is not what i use for the show because it's very bassy there we go that's better
a little easier on the ears for everybody you guys can do your own post processing on your end
with your equalizers and such i like to send the music out nice and flat well it's more of a
mountain you know the mids are a little higher than the lows and the highs for the music okay
Okay, anyway, so these are in Arizona.
Brad forwarded them on to me from a listener.
I don't know who the listener was, so thank you, whoever the listener was,
that helped me out with my request from a few months ago,
asking if you happen to have a copy of your Sunday paper one week.
Take some pictures of it with your phone,
clear enough that you can read the text on there and stuff,
and forward them on to me.
i guess i should get you can send them to madhouse radio at gmail.com madhouse radio at gmail.com if
you ever get a chance to do this because i could do this with my local paper but i really don't
like doing prank calls locally and i notice that for the most part it's the same fucking companies
in this town there isn't much work here guys it's the same two or three companies most most
companies do the online thing you know what i mean it's a really old school thing for a company to
to be we're gonna put it in print in the paper like who cares about that today no one fucking
does gee craigslist alone the small businesses do craigslist and the big guys do like your monsters
and dice and stuff like in fact yeah like in cases of like dice.com where it specifically
targets the technology industry so you're not mixing one with the other anyway blah blah here's
a job for a clinical director calling does not accept unidentified calls if you are a solution
It's not unidentified. Come on, man. It's got a funny number. All right, I'll make a knife rule.
I'll put the number of the last place we called. It's from the bomb. I'm not set up for a Cypress
Hill day today, but I would like to do that. We're doing a Beastie Boys thing today.
Beastie Boys today, which is supposed to be our music for Sunday night, but we're using it
today that's why it had the nighttime intro instead of just a song like i normally do that
progress island usa thing is 12 minutes long i cut it off halfway through well i'll cut it off a
third of the way through it's funny but too long yeah listen i called once before and i didn't get
through um i was calling to help you you put a job here a clinical director in an rn positions
um not an rn well rns yes uh clinical director we have an rn but we can use an rn at our medical
Are you an RN?
Yeah, I have the papers and everything.
When you have the papers, you mean you're a certified RN?
Are you a BSN at all?
Don't be ignorant, sir.
Yes, that's right.
Okay.
I'm a licensed registered nurse and a licensed male nurse, L, M, N, R, N.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, right now, we're okay, sir.
We appreciate your call.
Oh, come on.
Come on, man.
Motherfucker.
See what my mouth got me?
He was like, fuck that.
You know what?
We don't need you anymore.
more it was like you gotta suck my dick to get this job you gotta be so nice to me janitor i
tried this one already but let's try it yeah i tried this once already all right say i want to
clean the shit out the rest of these ads here a lot of them with no number this one's facts only
oh this is kind of cool see this newspaper is nice you know what they do so for each job ad
at the top it says in bold the uh it'll tell you up in bold at the very top the city and state
and then whether it's
a mail, if it's
a mail, like mail your resume, it says
mail. If it's go to the website,
website. If it's email, email. If it's phone,
it actually says the phone number up there too.
That's kind of cool. So it
makes it much easier for me to go through these for prank
calls. Thank you, Arizona
newspaper. I don't know what you're called, the Arizona
coyote. Email,
website. I mean, I guess I could
check just in case. I'll check just to be
sure. To be able to like, well, we'll put our phone
Phone number in, but have an email.
Put an email in bold.
We prefer that.
They're running a CareerBuilder setup.
I guess this is what CareerBuilder uses now.
I haven't used CareerBuilder in so long.
Hello.
How's it going?
Oh, good.
Yeah, I see you're offering a part-time, full-time, make money now, dollar, dollar, dollar.
Yeah, where did you see the ad?
It says, we are looking for energetic, outgoing, friendly, positive individuals to help us promote
about the Arizona Republic at various locations around the city.
You will need your own transportation to get to and from the different work locations.
While sales experience is a plus, it is not required.
We will train the right person.
We offer weekly pay and plenty of advanced opportunities.
Call Shaddy.
Is Shaddy there?
This is Shaddy.
How are you doing?
Hey, Shaddy.
I'm calling regarding a job position that I saw.
Did you need me to read it to you?
No, I already know what the ad is.
I'm just asking where you saw it.
In the newspaper.
In the newspaper.
There we go.
Now we're on the same page.
How old are you?
28.
28.
Do you have a cell phone in a car?
Yeah.
I'm calling you from my cell phone now, and I'm in the car.
Hello.
Yeah.
Well, when you call me, my caller ID doesn't say cell phone calling from a car.
Well, I have a camera phone.
I thought you could see it on the viewer.
It's supposed to tell me that you have a camera phone?
Well, when I call, I mean, I have a camera.
Most phones now have cameras on them.
What does your camera have to do with...
Because you can see the camera, so you can see each other.
I mean, you know what?
I don't think this is the job for you, so...
Why not?
You have a good day.
Asshole motherfucker.
Yeah, fuck you.
Yeah, fuck your mom.
Really?
Yeah, you mother bitch.
You're a mother bitch.
No, you first.
I said, you first, mother bitch.
So, fuck you.
Not me, mother bitch.
You, mother bitch.
Shaddy.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, right.
Is that supposed to be like shady?
Oh, I'm shady.
I'm cool.
What kind of bullshit job you have?
What kind of bullshit job you have, motherfucker?
You're a fucking retard.
Fuck you.
What do you want me to do?
What, you want me to bother people to sell them?
Hey, you want some imposter colognes?
Hey, you want some imposter colognes?
Hey, smell them.
There's no copyright on scents.
These are the same exact colognes.
Imposter colognes, not apostle colognes.
Imposter colognes.
Hi, you've reached a personal voicemail for Shaddy Will with the Arizona Republic.
Please leave your name and number.
I guess it's a good newspaper thing.
It's for the newspaper itself.
But damn, he let me have it, guys.
He let me have it.
Wow, I deserved it, I guess.
As soon as I heard, oh, I don't think you're the right person.
Fuck you!
I know it's going to leave.
I know he's just going to hang up at that point, so I've got to get in the curses.
See if I can keep him around angry.
And that worked that time.
Beautiful.
The art of prank calling.
Hey, boy, I'm calling regarding a data entry specialist job.
Motherfucker.
By who?
Yes, I'm calling about the data entry specialist job.
Okay.
What is it?
The data entry?
Yeah, I would like to apply for it.
Let's come in and fill out the application.
What about the resume?
Have you sent it over?
Yeah, do I have to be a black to have this job?
No, sir, you don't.
You don't discriminate.
That's just the name of the agency.
Okay. Is there a lot of black people there?
We're very diverse.
Okay, but are they like really dark, dark black people or like more, you know what I mean?
Sir, I'm going to end this call. Thank you.
I'm just making sure.
That's something my mom would ask.
Black, black, like really dark black.
That's it for this page. Let's call that one back.
Black Family and Child Services.
Hello there.
Oh, shit. They hung right up on me.
Click.
All right, fine. I'll leave them alone.
next page i'm gonna have to twist it here turn it okay let's see what we got teaching positions
it's just a website oh there is a phone number for it though you see you see you got to double
check these guys just to be sure sorry the operator is not available fuck that place lazy
place now hiring correctional officers but i'm still looking email this isn't a very big section
That was it?
There was just one phone number on that page.
Ew.
Anyway.
All right, next one.
Last page.
There's only three pages in this whole thing.
All right, we got a phone number for a call center rep.
Imagine that.
The call center has a phone number.
Let's see what they got.
An international call center giant needs 200 plus agents to call existing, in all caps,
just so you know, it's not cold calling, existing companies to offer additional services.
That's okay, I guess.
That's okay.
It's really hard to do the cold calling bit.
That's like the bottom of call center.
surveys and shit get abused people on the phone hi you've reached nick with stanley staffing
please leave a message and i'll get back to you as soon as i walk all right the next one is we got
a electrician job which for some reason seemed very tough to get people to pick up on these
small-time electrician outfits but they're asking for a three to six year residential and light
commercial ml experience ml no sure uh own tools and transportation professional appearance
Always don't be black.
Couldn't let a black man be real.
Good afternoon, Shane Enterprises.
This is Manny.
How can I help you?
Hey, how you doing?
I see you got an electrician position there.
I've got 12 years of residential and commercial experience.
All right.
I'm with you.
I got my old tools and a truck, and I'm...
Okay.
And I look good.
I'm sorry, I'm with...
I'm in shape.
I have nice abs.
I'm not black.
I'm a white guy.
All right.
I could take a message for the office.
Can I get your name?
Oh, what do you do?
I'm with the answering service.
oh that's why you sounded a little effeminate okay uh what was your name click the answering
service these people can't be bothered to take calls at two o'clock in the afternoon
in arizona wait a minute at 1 12 11 a.m they're like let's get a service he's like i don't care
i don't care i don't care about the job i like reading that whole ad to that one guy they hate
it when i do this machine enterprises this is jay hey honey it's me again hello hey honey it's me
Me again. How are you?
I'm sorry. Who is it you're trying to reach?
Oh, you know. What was your name?
Come on. This is a feminine call service.
Thank you for calling Shane Electric.
Hey, honey. It's me again. How are you doing?
Hi. How can I help you?
Oh, good. Well, when will you be here?
I think you have the wrong number. Who are you trying to get a hold of?
The Electric? Shane Electric?
No.
What do you mean?
This is Shane Enterprises.
Yeah, Electric. Shane Enterprises.
Okay. This is the answering.
Yeah. Hey, honey. When are you going to be here?
And did you want me to get all dark meat or, like, just an eight-piece mix?
I think you have the wrong number.
This is Christina at the answering service.
I'm dating the receptionist.
There is no receptionist at Shane Enterprises.
We're an answering service.
Well, there is a receptionist.
I think you're being—why are they on service, you're saying?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so they're not—the calls aren't even going through to them.
How do you know they don't have a receptionist?
Because I've been answering for them for 20 years.
Yeah, but you don't answer the phone all the time.
Yes, we do, 24-7.
And they never take a call?
They have us take their messages. We're a message center.
You see, what I think has happened is that this girl gave me this phone number.
She told me it was her work number. I could call her here, and I think she actually wasn't into me.
All right, well, I've got to go. Bye-bye.
Can you leave a message for me?
Okay, I've got to go.
A lot of calls to take.
All right, fine.
Hey, Dobby's here.
Dobby, what's up, man?
No, don't come here.
I don't have any food.
He's about to lay down on the bed, and he's like, oh, hey, man, pet me.
All right, all right, you pain in the ass.
All right, here's a position for a journeyman lineman.
Lineman.
Looking for experience in underground utilities.
4,160 volts and above.
Yeah, hey, Blowjob, you're looking for some linemen?
You have a position for linemen?
We do.
I can transfer you to Todd.
He would be the person you would speak to about it.
Okay, Blowjob, go ahead.
Patone, you can leave your message for extension.
Fucker!
Good morning, Double Jack.
Yeah, listen, I wasn't ready to leave a voicemail.
You kind of tricked me there.
You said you're going to transfer me to him, and then I got his voicemail.
Okay, that means he probably is not in his office.
That's why it goes to his voicemail.
But you knew that.
You knew that.
Be honest.
You knew that.
Okay, I'm up front, so I don't know.
Well, where is he?
I couldn't tell you, sir.
Well, go find out.
Can you call around, see where he's at?
It's very important.
Okay, I don't have the ability to do that.
You don't have a phone that calls extensions?
extensions because i have that ability if you put me through to the audit system so you should have
it okay okay well i did put you through his um extension what was your name maryland maryland
can you just take a message and email it or put it on his desk sure i sure can what's your name
uh this is bill and your last name bill valente can you spell that out for me v like victor a l
L-E-N-T-E.
Okay, and a good phone number for yourself?
602-421-2015.
And you're calling about the lineman.
Are you ready for my message to copy down?
Yes, I am, sir.
What was his name?
Todd Cremins.
All right, Mr. Cremins, comma, next line.
I am Bill, responding to your lineman position.
I called and spoke to Marilyn.
She was rude to me.
She said she couldn't help me.
She refused to get you on the phone.
She used racial epithets.
Please call me back.
Do you want to speak to an office manager?
Okay, sure.
Can you make sure you write that down?
Okay.
All right.
this is christophe yeah hi hey hey it's me i'm back
Hello?
Yeah, hi.
You're back.
What's up?
Why was I put through to you?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, Marilyn was like,
you need to speak to an office manager, she said to me.
Are you looking for Todd?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah?
Okay, he's not in his office right now.
Would you like his voicemail, or I could just have him call you back?
But where's he at?
Where's he at?
I have no idea.
He's probably out in the field.
He's our safety manager, too, so he's...
Yeah, but he's real lazy, too, you know?
You know, did you know he goes to public bathrooms and does, like, the glory hole stuff?
What is this?
No, seriously.
This is Bill.
Bill Valente.
I was calling about the job.
Yeah?
Yeah, but...
This is a joke.
No, but he puts his dick through these holes, and he, like, he doesn't know if it's a girl or boy sucking him.
Yeah?
Is that what he does?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I will tell him that you called.
Hey, I want to eat your pussy.
Oh, my God.
Really?
Yeah.
Would you let me?
uh settle with the guy on dialer show that dialer did a show right before this one that was pretty
funny this guy was like i won't i'll lick your pussy i'll show you how to lick a pussy he said
the guy sounded like milkman he was a trucker show you how to lick a pussy in my truck he wanted to
take dialer who was talking like a girl named carrie wanted to take her on his mattress in
this truck and show her how to lick a pussy yeah hi it's me i'm calling back
Oh, it's Bill.
I'm calling about the roofer job needed.
Did you talk to somebody here earlier?
Yeah, I forgot his name.
This white guy.
He said it was all pretty much set.
Do you know who that was?
Yeah, that's him, Gary.
Yeah.
Did you come in here and talk to him?
I already talked to him, yeah.
He said I had to call back for a final offer.
I'm calling back.
Okay.
He's not in right now.
What was your name?
Bill.
What's your last name?
Cross.
What was your name?
Shawna.
Shawna.
It seems like we're going to be working together.
Are you the receptionist there?
uh yeah i'm oh nice congratulations honey it's really nice so i get to get i get to see you when
i come in everyone yeah yeah baby yeah that's nice what are you like how tall are you four
five four yeah how what's your uh cup size yeah you got some bee stings seas what do you got are
you joking no for i gotta know this stuff i gotta be ready i'm gonna bring you something
the first day i'm gonna bring you something how big are them titties what's your phone number
It's 602-215-4015.
Okay, I'll give it to Jerry.
And I'm really looking forward to working with you.
I want to kiss you all over your body and your vagina, your labia.
Are you joking?
Yeah, I'd love to kiss you on your labia.
I think I saw you when I came in.
I think I remember who you are.
Yeah, I know exactly who you are.
You're real hot.
You're pretty.
Are you joking?
No.
No.
I mean, I still got to do the final offer, but he said it's pretty much set just to call in
and let him know that I was okay with the offer, which I am, you know.
So that's awesome.
and we're gonna be working together you're gonna be the office manager you know i mean you're gonna
hit it off we're gonna hit it she's like no oh my god they hired a creep he's already creeping
on me he hasn't started yet davi what do you want davi do you want lunch i think this fucker wants
lunch davi come on man all right i'm gonna have to get him lunch because this is gonna keep bugging
me uh let me play something let's see what i got here something i was listening to recently here
it is uh prank call related in a way if i can find it now on youtube part one part it was in
the part in the second part of the part two two all right let me see if i can find it i'm gonna
scan for it now the effeminate guy is putting the shit on my all right so this has to deal with
arty lang former member of the howard stern show he came in late to the howard stern show one day
he has a drinking and a heroin problem and shit he came in late because he woke up to go to work
to go to the show at five o'clock in the morning he slipped on dirty laundry on his floor and hit
his dresser um with his head really bad and he had to go to the hospital five in the morning for
stitches and as soon as howard announced it on the air then the howard stern trolls started calling
in to prank call the hospital so this is a little bit where he talks about that's really funny he
cracked he cracks up and laughs and only the way arty arty lang can which makes you makes me laugh
every time I just hear him laugh, because you know this shit's
going to be funny. I love Artie's stories.
But this is a few minutes long. Let me feed
Fat Fuck over here, and
I'm going to grab
a mozzarella stick for me. I brought it back.
...part of my life. Now the stern
fit. You announced on the air this happened.
Right. Little makeup for
Letterman. It matches it. Yeah.
Actually, the zit was so red
at some point the guy said, did you cut your nose?
And I had to go, no, it's a zit.
And then he like
rolled his eyes. So now
Now, the other surreal part of my life, now the Stern thing, you announced on the air this happened.
Right.
Tons of phone calls start coming into the emergency room.
Oh, no.
And as the effeminate guy is putting the shit on my eye, and now I'm thinking, is this a guy, if he's gay, does he know me and hate me from the fact that I wished AIDS on Teddy, you know?
And is he going to, like, infect me with something?
Oh, for God's sake.
So now the nurse comes over from the admitting desk and goes, your brother's on the phone.
And I go, I don't have a brother.
And she goes, should I take a message?
And I go, yeah, it's probably, they don't know who I am.
And you go, it's probably my fan.
I'm like, it was so complicated.
I said, it's probably nobody.
It's probably a prank call.
She was like, why would somebody prank call you here?
And I go, I know that sounds weird.
I'm on a radio show.
So she goes, and she goes, can I take a message?
Very sweet voice.
she goes can i take a message and then i hear her go oh that's awful tell hardy he has a big
car well no and i said what what did you say he said what did he say
can you give him some medicine for being a tub of water
she told you apparently the funniest fan we ever had no she was crying she goes how
insensitive of a guy and i go give any medicine for my brother who's a talent
so i said who was that i think i recorded it i said there was um i said i'm on the howard
stern show and she goes oh really and it was like a woman who didn't doesn't like you you know
so she goes oh really oh that show's crazy i'm like can someone just put a fucking stitch in my
Did they give you a Vicodin for the pain?
Well, here's the other embarrassing thing.
Uh-oh.
He goes, I'm going to give you something for the pain.
Uh-oh.
He goes, I'm going to give you five milligram Vicodins.
Oh, so did you tell him it won't work on you because you're on Subutex?
I said, listen to me.
I said, first of all, I'm on an opiate blocker thing.
And he goes, why?
You're a comedian.
And you have to be honest with the doctor.
So I said, I'm a heroin addict.
You're the world's heaviest heroin addict.
Oh, my God.
Right, so...
Now the guy's like, I should have worn gloves.
I go, you're a heroin addict, so maybe I can't give you anything.
Are you going to get addicted to this?
So what I'm saying is, like, you would have to give me, like, liquid morphine for it to kill the pain.
Like, nothing's going to work on me.
Like, the five milligram Vicodin is going to be like me taking a Tic Tac or something.
So he goes, so now, like, the junkie in me is going, do you have any liquid morphine or something?
And, because in my head I could justify taking it.
He goes, well, you're going to have to live with the pain.
I'm not giving you anything because you could become addicted again.
And I'm like, all right.
So what do they give you when they do the stitch?
Do they give you anything?
No.
A stitch?
A butterfly?
A butterfly stitch, they just slap it on you.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it's a tape.
You know, but I...
Oh, you mean it's not an actual stitch?
No.
It's just tape.
It's like, it stays on for two days.
And quite frankly, my sister showed up to bring...
She went and got my insurance cards.
And she thought I needed stitches.
Yeah.
But look at that.
All right.
All right, we're back.
I hope you got to enjoy that.
It was really low.
I tried to boost it up as loud as I can.
And I just realized, had you guys upped your volume,
you just got ear raped when I came back.
Oops.
But yeah.
All right, let's get to it.
I just love the way he laughs when he...
I didn't get to hear it this time,
but just I know from the way he laughs,
it's so fucking funny, man.
All right, here's a different roofing job.
Do you have a cure for being a tub of lard?
The nurse is...
Oh my God, that's horrible.
We're sick, buddy.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Hello?
Hey, how are you?
I see you got a roofer's job there, journeyman labor to roofer.
Yeah?
Yeah, so what can you tell me about that, sir?
Well, the fact that I'm a madam.
Are you really?
No, I just thought I'd say that.
Oh, but your voice, don't tell me that's the first time you've gotten that.
This is the first time, thank you.
Oh, well, lucky you.
Yeah, lucky me.
Yeah.
I've been trying for a job.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Look, that was a mistake.
Please don't mark that on my permanent record.
I mean, seriously, kind of.
Should we start again?
Can we start again?
Hold on just a minute.
Okay, honey.
Hello, this is Steve.
Hey, how you doing, Steve?
I'm doing good.
What can you tell me about this journeyman job position you got?
Do you have any single ply?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
I started out working at Lowe's dealing with single ply,
and then now I just spent four years doing roofing job in Florida in the sun.
God damn sun on that.
I mean, it's brutal.
Oh, I know, I know.
Oh, God.
Four years commercial and residential roofing.
Now I moved over here because the job is so bad over there.
The job conditions are bad.
Well, you know, it all depends on your skill set, on what the rate is.
I mean, laborers start at 12, but it's all subject to what you know and what you can do.
You know what I mean?
Do I get my own truck?
Yeah, I was going to say, that's good.
I mean, in town, we don't meet at the shop.
We go from wherever you live to wherever the jobs are at.
When we're working out of town, then we all meet up, depending on what side of town you're on or whatever.
But you might meet here at the shop, and then it's all in the company vehicles.
If we go out of town, do you have any problem with traveling?
traveling i have no i love traveling i don't like coming back because i can do my own thing in the
van and set myself up out to be coming in seeing the boss boss getting all up in my business you
know how the bosses get you know well that's who i am yeah you know that way you don't have to smell
the alcohol and stuff like that on me um i mean because we do travel right now i mean i just
yesterday i just had guys get back from northern california i have guys texas right now north of
dallas uh i i do a lot of work in texas uh so i mean we do travel you can be you know gone two
three weeks at a crack and then home and then maybe back out you know good yeah i don't give
a shit fuck my wife i don't want to be around that um uh so yeah get away from that bitch and
what i'll do is i'll get on ashleymadison.com you know that site no it's a it's a cheating web
it's a cheating website and then what i can do is like oh i'm going to be north carolina for
for a week, three weeks, I'll go on there and say,
well, sub-North Carolina, you know, married man in town, who wants to fuck?
Okay, well, what I need from you then would be to either come into the office
and fill out an app, and we'll set up interview stuff, or we've got the thing online, too.
Can I download the app on the App Store?
Yeah, and then you can, all the information should be on that.
It's on the App Store? So I could just put in, what do I put in in the App Store?
or just...
Oh, I don't know.
Let me...
It should be on the Career Builder thing
where you found us.
There should be a thing for that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah, pull that up
and then all the information
should be there
to fax it over to us.
All right,
and I'll fax you a picture of my penis.
No, I don't need that.
All right.
You don't want to see it?
It's a nice penis.
Anyway.
I have a pretty penis.
Yeah.
The doctor said
I have a pretty penis.
You have a nice penis.
Oh, yeah.
You got a pretty penis.
He's like,
thank you, dentist.
My dentist.
All right,
Here's another, a lot of roofing jobs in this town, you know, a lot of roofing jobs.
Must have EXP, W slash, roof coatings, or in roofing.
Field.
Must have own transport.
AZDL, drug-free, tall, debit.
Hi, this is David, leave a message.
Mr. Debit.
Uh, here's a window installer and glazer job.
Nope.
Inside telephone sales reps.
Look, uh, look for.
I don't think I can talk.
Inside Telephone
Sale Machine Reps. Ad company
for new and established accountants.
Yeah. 31-year-old company with
A-plus BBB rating. Yeah, I'm sure
you do. BBB. Maybe I'll do
the one where I just read the whole ad back to them.
That'd be a dick. Yeah, I'm calling for Big Fat
Linda. Fat Linda?
Sorry she's not here. Where is she?
She's not here. Is she eating lunch?
Probably. Who's calling? She eats a lot,
doesn't she? You know what I'm talking about? She eats a lot
of fucking food. How can I help you?
Is there someone I can talk to you about the inside telephone sales reps ad company for a new and established accounts job?
No, she's not available.
So I can only talk to Linda?
Yeah.
All right, when should I call back?
It's pretty stupid to have an ad in the paper and not be there, you know?
All right, sir, I don't need to listen to this.
Fat Linda.
Who is that?
I'm just guessing Linda's big.
You know, call center job.
A lot of sitting down and a lot of lunch meetings, you know what I mean?
um i see another posting for that it looks like it's that same kind of job that the guy was cursing
me out shoddy but it says call sanja instead so let's fuck with sanja you know that guy's telling
the co-workers now oh my god god some guy called for linda and he said i'm calling for big fat linda
and immediately a lot of them are giggling like because she's fat yeah i get it and like no no
No, but wait.
Then he was, like, really nasty.
And he kept giving me shit, you know?
I had to disconnect the call.
He was like, she's probably eating a lot of lunch.
She eats a lot of food, he was saying.
And he starts embellishing.
So he was saying she's really fat.
Oh, my.
I'll call that last one again.
Yes, hi.
This is Sonja.
Sorry I missed your call.
Please leave your name and number.
All right, big fat Sonja.
All right, we got one that says apply in person.
Let me look up their address, see if I can find them.
It says for co-drivers and owner-operators.
looking to excuse me looking to see what businesses may be here there's a west coast racecraft i don't
think that's it wiener enterprises there's a phoenix truck driving institute not sure not sure
about that let me look up their address all together not just on the map it says dependable
highway express it's the best shot i got at all right let's try let's see if the phone number
matches no it does not but this could be cell phones this is called anytime i ask for eric or
anthony so i'm going with that uh we have a good chance at this oh it says call it does have phone
numbers fucker how'd that work for nothing have reached the voicemail box of nope i'm again uh
this is for trucking i guess it's funny because i remember now bobby used to be on the dialer's
shows he'd always do these pranks where he'd call trucking companies and he'd sound
Hey, I see you got a job opening for a driver.
Yeah, where do you live?
I live in Phoenix.
How many years of driving experience do you have, truck and trailer?
15.
I got a Class A.
I got 15 regional runs, working regional cross-country runs.
Okay.
Where do you get for drivers to run?
California.
I just got fired.
They called me for my work.
They kicked me out of the truck and said I had to get off.
Why?
What happened?
Uh, well, you know, uh, maybe I'll plead the fifth, you know?
I'm sorry, maybe what?
I'll plead the fifth on that one.
Okay, well, we kind of need to know, whatever it is, it's going to come out on your background.
Well, they made a deal where they won't report it if I just left for company, so you can't get me on it.
Okay, well, I'll tell you what, I'm at lunch right now, give me like ten minutes, and I'll probably be right back and give you all the poise you need for me.
Come on, motherfucker, I need a job, motherfucker.
Who's this?
Huh?
Who's this?
My name is Kroff.
Kroff?
All right, it sounds like you're calling the wrong number, buddy.
This is the driving number, the driving call number, motherfucker.
Okay, well, now we know all your facts, and I can come aboard, so thank you for the call.
Bye.
Fuck you.
I can't do it like Bobby used to.
He would call, and he sounded so drunk, and he's just like,
I got kicked out of a truck, and there'd be a lady once, and she's like,
Well, if you got kicked out, you got to let me know.
No, we're going to find out just exactly what this guy said.
Oh, I was drinking.
I think he said he was drinking.
He used to say he was drinking all the time.
But he'd burp and shit during his calls.
Applying for jobs, burping real loudly.
I don't know if it was the sound effect that Dyler played or it was really him.
It was so funny.
Yeah, it was Anthony.
Yes, hello, Anthony.
I was just speaking with your associate, Eric.
He told me to give you a call regarding a final offer.
Final offer?
Yeah.
Final offer for what?
For a driving machine.
Driving machine?
You mean a driving Class A tractor?
Class A tractor driving machine job.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
What was that?
I have, like, these synapse problems sometimes, sir.
Don't...
Oh, okay.
I mean, I already told him about it.
I just sometimes when I'm talking, I don't even know when I do it.
Like, I kind of...
Like, I know I'll say stuff or make noises, but I don't know that I do them.
And sometimes people point out, oh, what was that?
And I'll have to explain this.
So, yes, I have a brain synapse problem.
And sometimes when I finish sentences, sometimes in the middle, if I'm stressed out, I go, you know, I guess I make noises.
But consciously, I don't even know when it happens.
I just kind of close my eyes a little bit.
I squint.
I know I'm squinting, but I don't know.
Okay.
Yeah, sometimes I'll say what's on my mind.
Do you have, like, a medical release form and stuff?
Yes, I do.
Yeah, I've been driving 15 years, class A truck.
They pulled me out of the company, pulled me out of the truck, and they said I couldn't drive.
Okay.
Because I got into a fight at a truck stop.
I got into an argument with some guy, and I put my fist through like this plexiglass kind of fire extinguisher thing.
Okay.
Who am I speaking with?
Cross.
Cross?
Yeah.
And where are you located at?
Phoenix.
Okay.
Okay, is there any way you can come by and stop by?
How close to Camelback Road are you?
Camelback Road.
We're off to 17.
If you come up to 17 north, 17 north,
to the 10 going...
To where?
Take the 10 going west.
10.
Get off on 51st.
Get off on 51st.
STO.
Oh.
Okay.
Get off on 51st.
That's the exit.
Go left.
Left?
Yes.
Okay.
You're going to pass Buckeye.
Okay.
Road.
Okay.
Okay.
About two streets down.
Make a left on Watkins.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
All right.
And what time?
Until 8 to 5, it says here?
Yes.
And should I ask for you or Eric, or is there a woman there?
You can ask for Anthony.
Anthony, and you will be there?
Yes.
Okay, all right.
What time did you plan on being here?
I'll be here at 4.
I'll be there at 4.15.
I'll give you some time to settle in, use the bathroom, wash your hands.
No, I'm leaving at 4.
Oh, you're leaving at 4.
Well, how about I'll be there at 3?
Yes.
Yes.
How about $315 in case I have to use the bathroom?
Okay.
All right.
Okay, $315.
All right.
All right, thank you.
I'll take a shit in the toilet, you know, before I come there.
All right, I'll take a fucking shit in the toilet.
All right, bye.
All right, honey, bye.
I was getting bored with that.
Here's a toll-free number for a job for Drivers Local Hourly Nightly.
Logistics, how can I get your call?
Hey, I wanted to call about the driver's Michael Holm Nightly Phoenix Flatbed Runs Great Pay Benefits CDLA One Year Experience Required Extension Logistics Apply www.goelc.com.
Okay. Have you put an application in online yet?
Yeah. No. No, motherfucker. No, I haven't because the website's a piece of shit.
I'm sorry, sir.
Let's go ahead and not do that.
What?
Oh, this is a job.
There's no reason to.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
There's no reason to.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
That's all right, man.
No problem.
You still there?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Please don't.
Okay.
All right.
What do I...
Do you have an IT department that helps out with this stupid website?
Because I can't deal with it.
I can try to help you the best I can.
It's a piece of shit.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Hang on, hang on. I'll be right back at the computer in a second.
But what do I do after I submit it? What happens?
Um, let me see here.
now you were on a computer doing this
Use echo my echoes fucked up the little button watch I'll show you what happens with the echo now
fucked up i gotta like tap it a lot to get to stop that here we go i tap it on the side that
seems to do it if i tap it on the side and that sucks all right man we'll move on almost wrapping
up time anyway this is going to be a short show machine because i want to play gta but there's a
lot of numbers on this last page here so you guys are lucky motherfuckers you guys are lucky because
because I will go through them all.
So, moving on to the next number, another toll-free one,
and it appears to be another job for drivers.
These are driver trainees needed now at Werner Enterprises.
I'll call from the toilet.
Just for you.
I'm in the toilet calling about the job,
and I hope for good,
because I can't hold back my piss anymore.
Thank you for calling.
In order to better assist you,
Please press 1 if you need training for your Class A CDL license.
Please press 2 if you already have your Class A CDL license.
I got the fucker.
Thank you for calling Driver Recruiting.
Are you calling about a driver training position?
Well, I already got the training.
I got the license.
I passed.
Hello?
Yeah, hey, can you hear me?
Hello?
I'm having a hard time understanding you.
It's really echoey.
Yeah, what about now?
Is this better?
That is a little better, yes.
Are you calling in about getting trained?
Yeah, I'm sorry, honey.
See, what happens is I have to call from the toilet at work
because they can't know that I'm looking for a new job, you know?
I'm sorry.
Oh, I see.
It creates an embarrassing situation, I know.
Yeah, I already have the license.
I'm looking for the job.
Okay, great.
May I have your first name?
It's Cross.
Cross.
Okay, and last name?
The Friends.
D-E-F-R-E-N-S-E.
Okay, and what endorsements do you have?
C-D-L-A.
Okay, and may I have your age, please?
22.
And have you had three or more traffic tickets in the past three years?
I've never had one, no.
A cop pulled me over once, and I intimidated him, and he didn't write me the ticket.
and I told him I kicked his gun away into the dirt
and I said, you don't do that, motherfucker.
He said, all right.
Is this the best number to reach you?
Yeah.
Did you need it?
I do have the number you're calling on now.
Yeah.
Somebody from the recruiting department
will be getting in contact with you
within the next couple of weeks
to discuss the routes that are available.
But that's not, that's, no, come on now.
Why don't you put me through to one of them?
Somebody from, will be contacting me.
Put me through to one of them, I said.
Sorry?
I said it.
I said it.
Put me through to one of them, I said it.
I command you to.
I don't transfer you over to the recruiting department.
I send you their information and then I call you.
I command you to transfer me.
Alrighty, well, you have a great day.
I don't need this shit.
I need a job, motherfucker.
I don't need that shit.
God damn it.
Thank you for calling.
You're just seconds away from information about a rewarding, great-paying career in the trucking industry.
Trucking and transportation is a crucial part of our economy,
and today's truck drivers are highly skilled, well-paid...
Speak the fuck up! Speak up!
I can't hear you, masked motherfucker.
Hello? Hello? Hey! Motherfucker!
A little too much, maybe?
Thank you for calling.
Hello, this is Driver Recruiting. Are you calling Battle Driver Training Position?
Yeah. Yeah.
And do you have the Class A CDL license?
Yeah, I already got the license.
And what is your first name, please?
Croff.
C-R-O-S-S?
C-R-O-F-F.
F-F as in Frank or S-S as in Sam?
F-F.
As in Frank?
Sam.
Sam, all right.
And your last name, please?
Valente.
And could you spell that for me, please?
V-A-L-E-N-T-E.
And that's V-A-L-E-N-T-E?
That's right, honey.
All right.
And what endorsements do you have, please?
C-D-L-A-B-C-D-E-E-F-1.
Is there another number to reach you besides the one you're calling on?
No.
What's the number?
602-249-6675.
I want to talk to a fucking recorder.
I'm sorry, sir.
All I can do is gather your information.
No, I want to talk to the recorder.
I want to talk to the recorder.
Come on.
Sir, I can't help you on that.
All I can do is gather your information.
No, no.
Transfer to the recorder.
Let's go.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I cannot do that.
All I do is gather your information, and they will be contacting you within the next few weeks.
Do it now.
I command you in the name of men, I command you.
I'll go ahead and forward this over to the recruiting department.
They'll be contacting you in the next few weeks.
You have a good day.
Fucking bitch.
Hello?
Okay.
I'll leave them alone.
I didn't have to say bitch to her.
That was unnecessary.
Another driver job for owner-operators.
I think that means you can either own the truck already yourself.
That's what the owner-operator means, that you own the truck.
Pick us one.
You have reached Jeff Thomas with update distribution.
I'm sorry, I missed your call.
Please look at...
No operator def...
I'll try again.
You have reached Jeff...
No.
Next one is for a cab driver position.
Yellow Cab, this is Randall.
Hey, where the fuck is my ride at, motherfucker?
Excuse me?
Where the fuck is my ride at, motherfucker?
Uh, who is this?
This is Bill.
Where the fuck is my ride at, you motherfucker, you?
Bill, what's your phone number?
Look on your caller ID, motherfucker.
I've been here waiting, fucking motherfucker.
All these people over here drinking water and shit.
God damn it.
Bill, my name is Randall.
I'm the recruiter for Yellow Cab.
Are you looking for a cab?
Yeah, motherfucker.
And what's your phone number?
Nah, let me talk to the person who is in charge of fucking the cabs, motherfucker.
Okay, well, you're not going to get past me as long as you continue to use that language.
Fuck you.
I'll be happy to try to assist you.
I'm calling about the professional driver's job.
So what's your last name?
Cross is my last name.
How do you spell that?
C-R-O-S-S.
Okay, and what's your phone number?
What error code is that?
602, goddammit.
602?
And you got a...
Bill, I'm sorry.
We would not be able to contract with you the way that you're behaving.
Well, this isn't how I talk to the customers.
It's just the asshole manager boss that I don't really like, you know?
Well, I'm him.
Well, I know, but you're just a recruiter
You're not even a boss
Yeah, I'm just a recruiter
So yeah, we wouldn't be able to contract with you
Fuck you
Good luck
Yeah, asshole
Yeah, good luck
Education
Looking for a principal
Or assistant principal
Special ed teachers
Social studies
K-6 grade teachers
Science teacher middle school
English teacher high school
ELD teacher
I don't know what that is
Middle school math
and others.
Thank you for calling the school district.
Our office hours are from 7 a.m.
Wait while I transfer your call.
Please.
Where's left after this?
Good afternoon, school district.
Hey, fart, how you doing?
This is Gemma.
Oh, what'd you call me?
This is Gemma.
Uh, yeah, if you want me to be.
Okay.
Oh, hey, honey.
You know what I want you to be?
I want you to have your legs spread open
so I can kiss your private parts.
Oh, my goodness.
Would you like that?
I'd do a really good job
licking and kissing.
and the labia and the clit and the clitoris and the vulva all around it goodness um i was calling
regarding your um science teacher position what the heck you had an ad in the paper you have an
ad of the paper for middle school science teachers uh-huh yeah um what would be the best way for me
to meet with you perhaps to go over the particulars on the position show you my
qualification. Well, I don't think I want to meet with you. Why not? My name is Bill Cross. Okay.
My students call me Dr. Cross. Okay. All right. So it's a science position? Yeah, I have five
years as a science teacher and I got my degree at the University of Miami. Okay. I lost my previous
job because I had a relationship with the assistant principal there and we broke up and
we both thought it would be best for me to leave and go somewhere else just so things weren't weird,
you know right yeah okay uh did you submit an application already no that's what i'm asking
you about doing you know i want to show you my qualifications like my licking and kissing
oh my goodness do you like it when guys do that have you ever uh no comment oh you do you dirty
girl you do you like the 69 that's my favorite because we both get off at the same time okay
it's safe sex because no one can get pregnant you know it's 69 uh i think i'm gonna end this
call right now okay well just think about it all right all right bye bye kisses she was down
probably gonna do something tonight thinking about me i had a call it was so dirty so hot
i'm just gonna fuck her husband really extra hard tonight pretending it's the guy from the phone
all right uh community college is looking for an instructor what kind of instructor doesn't
really say application instructions and other important information business computer medical
I'm calling about the billing instructor, medical coding billing instructor position.
Yes, sir.
I have five years experience teaching medical coding and billing to motherfuckers.
Okay, do you want to submit an application packet for that position then?
Yeah, then I'll provide oral sex to the woman who's interviewing me.
Bye.
Hello, you have reached Laurie Adela at Eastern Arizona College's Sanks.
Please hold.
Aw, BC.
Laurie Adela, I know her last name, man.
She's probably the one that was going to interview me.
She's like, ew, this guy said he was going to...
But she'll tell all of her co-workers now, her peers.
Oh my God, I just got a call about the job we placed.
The job.
He said he wanted to do oral sex on me when he came in for me.
Hello?
Human Resources, this is Susan.
That was a private conversation, Susan.
and I'm calling about the Learning Support Specialist position?
Yes.
Yeah, so what can I do to show you that I've got skills like that?
You need to go onto our website and open up the job announcement.
Okay, all right, the job announcement?
Yes.
And where do I go from here?
And that will give you all the information.
I'm looking at it now.
Where do I go from here?
All right, that's it.
She's gone and I'm gone.
My show's over.
over thanks for listening everybody prank call nation.com madhouse live.com which is currently
broken thanks to me that's what i get for trying to do web update website upgrades at two o'clock
in the morning yeah but i guess i'll do a show on sunday told you i do a daytime show thank you
to whoever sent in these newspaper pictures i don't know who it was brad finds out he can tell
me all right bye good day have a good day
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