LA: Las Vegas, CA

What's his friend's name?

His friend is Nick.

Last name is G-E-R-Z, Gers.

Nick, is this a prank call?

You're listening to an official show on the Prank Call Nation network machine.

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Thanks for listening to the largest prank call station in the nation.

Fuck you, PCN.

Fuck you.

I'm PLA for life, bitch.

PLA for life.

Fuck you, PCN.

I don't give a fuck, nigger.

Nigger.

Is that what banished me, nigger?

Or is Enigma a soft-ass nigger?

Or is Carlito a piece of shit?

Spick.

Fuck you.

there you go hey big guy i'm pretty good i have a penis and i'm american

hey you got nice white skin that's right yeah that's how you get ahead in america

um you got numbers motherfucker yeah i'm gonna shoot him your way right now

oh yeah my mouth you don't know what that was right that was carl sanders

yeah i had no idea who that was what the fuck is that

because he's banned

he got perma banned for being a dickhead

repeatedly

it wasn't just like a one time thing

but the last time I did that I was in an especially sore mood

that day and I was like you know what

I almost see his ass in a room

that was a rather heated

little comment there

yeah you gotta see him say that

everyone go subscribe to his channel

Carl Sanders on YouTube

and subscribe to his video blog

it's really great all I've ever done is promote

up that guy in his vlog i told people to go to it he hates me whatever right okay so we're calling

the colonial inn where jared is staying and the owner is a wonderful guy according to jared well

jared is bisexual you take it away all right yeah yeah how you doing i need to be transferred to my

brother's room please well the last name is scranton s-c-r-a-n-t-o-n you want you want to

speak up there uh mr indian man well i need to be transferred to his room and i need you to be

louder because i can't hear you you speak up sir i want to be get on your computer do the typey typey

typey like your people you know the one with the dots that's what you people do and you look up for

the room scranton room you don't bye-bye me motherfucker yeah i hope the other calls aren't

like that yeah that's what his people do they work the computers i'll try i'll try all right

Yeah, I guess it's a perm.

I don't know.

I don't really have a need to permabend anyone, really, except for maybe one person.

Hello?

You see the call ID?

You don't want to answer, right?

Okay.

Yeah, fuck him.

Okay, next one.

Andrew, right?

He made it safe and sound.

Thank God to the Holiday Inn in Baltimore.

Yeah.

He's safe in Baltimore after it got used for.

Hope you're not white.

Hope you get the right skin color.

We're sorry, your call could not

Try again

You get a paper cut

Yes, hi, I need to speak to a guest staying there

Hi, Mr. Andrew Wells

What's the room number?

I don't have the room number, I'm with his transportation

I'm trying to make contact for his pickup

Okay, hold on one moment

Thank you

On your tongue, from a razor and a paper cup

I hope every soda you drank already shaken up

I hope your dreams are like raisins in the baking sun

I'm here. I'm checked in by my name, Andrew Wells.

You don't?

This is the Holiday Inn Express Baltimore at the stadiums, right?

Over there by the stadium?

Yeah. Yeah.

Shit, I hope...

1701 Russell Street.

I hope you black people didn't mug him and shoot him and steal from him and rape him and stuff.

Oh, this must be a prank call.

No.

Have a good night.

No, no, because it's a dangerous city, right?

She's a fucking genius.

This is a prank call.

Oh, this is some booze.

Oh, sorry.

Slow in your driveway.

What are you going to be doing now?

You better bring me a bucket of chicken.

You took a pair.

I didn't.

Why did I sit there?

Some grape drink.

Fuck yeah, man.

Thank you for calling Valley's in Atlantic City, the center of the action.

Please listen carefully to the following list of options.

For hotel, event, show, or restaurant reservations, please press 1.

One, to reach a casino host, please press two.

Is that what we want?

For the Diamond Club, please press three.

Oh, we want the Platinum Club.

For customer service and tax-related information, please press four.

We want the hotel, right, not the casino host.

Right.

For assistance from the hotel operator, please remain on the line.

Thank you.

It's always the last fucking option.

You get some of those dumbasses that change it up, too.

They're like, hey, press eight.

Thank you for calling Bally's Atlantic City.

Thank you for press zero.

It yells at you.

it's like no don't have zero thank you for calling balance atlantic video

yes i'm looking for a guest there uh his name is mr luo l-u-o hello come on mama okay honey

honey thank you how are you doing i'm fine how are you oh i'm down i'm down about

12 1200 right now so not too good yeah well hopefully you win it back tonight if the night

I'm still young.

Yeah.

You know that strip club across the street?

Um, no.

I'm actually not on property.

I'm not in the area.

I don't have a Mr. Lau, um, L-U-O.

No, first name's Steven.

You don't have him?

Steven Corvallis, right?

He's a guest here, correct?

Yeah.

I wonder if this girl's done with OPP.

And it's L-U-O, right?

Last name, L-U-O?

Yeah.

I do not see him.

All right, well, maybe, I don't know.

I don't know.

And maybe he got beat up by some black people or something, you know?

So, you're not on property?

I'm not.

Oh, really?

You're not in Atlantic City at all?

Because I was going to ask you, you know, if you want to, you know, a little bit.

No?

Well, I'm in a call center.

Is there anything else I can do to assist you?

Well, you got room in that call center there?

Maybe under a desk?

I mean, you can get a little in, you know?

You think?

Something there.

I can't whistle.

look here comes a spaceship and one of those

akiba miki new jersey and twitter complainer united oh and i didn't mention that the power

outlet in the seat didn't work either no duh they don't none of them work anymore they stopped

making them work a long time ago so i couldn't even entertain myself yeah it's really rare for

those things to work i hate that shit you gotta be in first class to get the work in power she's

probably sitting there also trying to open up all the old ass uh ash trees and stuff that are welded

shut i couldn't even smoke a cigarette why can i do this i couldn't even i couldn't even smoke

a cigarette in the bathroom i was on a flight where a guy i was on a flight from puerto rico

to orlando where a guy actually did disable the uh fires fire alarm in the bathroom to smoke a

so great i bet his ass was escorted off the plane no no yes actually yes they made an announcement

the yeah because i went to get to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant was like no

no go back to your seat like what i was like 10 years old 11 it was right when the laws started

changing for that smoking in the plane shit um and then they came running up with like a can of

air freshener for the bathroom so the she she was real upset on the intercom like you can't do that

and the captain

got on and said

yeah that's illegal

you know

someone get in trouble

for that

but then yeah

when we got off the plane

there was a guy

talking to the cops

I think they were

just talking

they weren't really

arresting him

but

yeah dude

these days

they probably

would have diverted

the plane to land

in the Bahamas

and fucking

landed the plane

right in the middle

of the fucking ocean

we need to get

this guy off the plane

yeah

landed on an aircraft carrier

landed on

USS Abraham Lincoln

and now we're gonna be

I'm going to drop this motherfucker off at Guantanamo right now.

We'll be on our way in a moment.

Damn.

All right.

More pranks.

Yeah, more pranks.

Yeah, I did a Twitter complainer the other day.

He was like, oh, the stewardess told me not to report the loose screw that I found because it would delay us.

Like, what was it holding up?

I mean, let me know the severity of what that screw was holding in place.

It's a wing.

She's in there.

it's like it's holding like the fucking little decoration to the armrest emplacement look damn

there's a screw loose so we better get the fucking fae out here then yeah yeah that's stupid she did

the right thing i'm complaining about oh shit i cut off sure shot sorry but i know you're a big

beastie boys fan boy here we go you're gonna try her akiba miki britain yeah okay should i change

Good evening, sir. This is Dwight with United. I'm trying to reach Miss Miki Britton.

Okay, she's not available now. Can I take a message?

Well, I was trying to call and resolve her. She had a little bit of a concern.

She sent a tweet our way about the power outlet not being in working order.

Right. On her flight today?

Correct.

Okay, yeah. She's not here. You called her home number, but yeah, she definitely told me she had a very difficult...

Is there a cell phone that I might be able to contact, Ron?

Yes.

Oh, fantastic.

I'll give her a call, and we'll discuss it and see if we can't work something out in the way of maybe a voucher or some type of discount and maybe a first-class upgrade.

That sounds like something that may make her sound good.

And this is Dwight, because I'm going to call her as well, Dwight, and tell her to expect your call.

Oh, yeah, this is Dwight, and I'll be calling her momentarily.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Give her a minute.

and i'll call her now and then just tell her to expect your call so you can discuss it because

yes she did not have a great experience on her flight today okay well i'll give her a call you

have yourself a good night boy thank you sir yep good night good night yay what the hell was that

about okay have a good night boy thank you all right all right um that was weird everyone's

always complaining about me being too low and now they're complaining about me being too high

Yeah, it's my fault, because I had to adjust for Jaiyat's show.

Oh.

He wanted music.

Well, I was a dumbass, right?

You know, you got the same mic stand.

You know where the grip handle is?

Yeah.

Well, I didn't realize I could adjust it higher.

You should have adjusted it higher.

Like, I can unscrew it, and there's a tube inside the main tube that attaches to the base,

and there's another adjustment to bring it higher.

Yeah, it goes really far, dude.

Yeah.

So, like, I'm sitting here the whole time, and it's, you know, I've been trying to get it next to my face.

now i can bring it up and then bring the boom down towards my face yeah that's much better i

should have gotten you the uh swing arm but i didn't know what kind of desk setup you had oh

no this works just fine cool swing arms are cool too um next time next time next christmas if you're

good maybe santa will bring you that now gandalf is saying my voice is too fast yeah fuck you

his voice is too dwight uh the next one is brendan who are you gonna call her cell phone

Oh, did you get it?

Yeah, I put it at the bottom.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

It's nice of him to call and announce our presence.

The number's probably been called already.

I forgot to mute it.

Very distraught.

Fan's voice is too water.

I'm about to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes, Dwight.

Do it.

It's going to be that type of party.

I used to reach my voicemail.

I'm unavailable at the moment.

What are you, a bitch?

Let's try her again.

We should call her from her husband's, or her home number.

Yeah, all right, I'll do that.

Really get some shit started.

Hang on, let me get that.

Shit.

If this is going to be that kind of party,

I'm going to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

yeah buddy

told you

it was that

kind of party

what was that

from

uh

we're listening

to beastie boys

it's it's this

old record

i want to get

that guy's

he's got a

this is old

school cat

from the 50s

black guy

used to say

dirty jokes

and it's really

funny

that was one of

them he's talking

about fucking

the turkey in

that right there

you ever seen

the uh the movie

waiting

no negative

ryan reynolds

and there were

some other people

in it it uh

they had that

same line in

there

really

Actually, I'm going to play it here in a second.

Shit.

And I'll turn around.

Shit.

Yeah, here it is.

This is some crazy Mexican.

It was like in the first two minutes of the movie during the credits.

He's almost stick my dick in a mashed potato.

Yeah, here it is.

His name is...

Oh, dude, see, this is old.

This is...

See, and I was going to say this is before Red Fox's day.

This guy's name was Mantan Moreland.

I mean, that's how way back we're going here.

party record dirty

you know

the little girl was in school

in Paris and

somebody wrote F-U-C-K

on the board

and she looked at the teacher and said

mademoiselle says what is

the pronunciation of F-U-C-K

you can do this one

teacher said that's fuck

she said fuck there's no complete fuck

no word like that in the

French language

me so the teacher said you know what fuck mean honey said that means to say she said

uh yeah good evening uh this is doit with united and uh i was trying to call miki is it yes and

i had spoken to your husband i believe it was and he said he was going to notify you that i was

calling oh he didn't but that's okay okay um so i understand our twitter department sent me a

message uh that your power outlet in your seat wasn't working uh during your flight earlier

today that that's one of many issues but yes that is true okay one of the many issues okay

what other issues did you have on the flight um well just everyone experiences the internet

that wasn't working it was just the wi-fi was down wi-fi was down when we first uh when we

first boarded we were waiting around and we were notified that there was some miscommunication with

the pilot and so they weren't even there they were still at a hotel nearby on their way to the flight

so oh my goodness that we sat at the gate for about an hour and a half which was in

It's dead, though, because it was, I understand, 9 Wi-Fi is for 10,000 and above.

Yeah.

Now, did you have to sit on the tarmac for an extended period of time, or were you sitting at the gate?

We were at the gate.

Well, the reason for that was the pilot was still at the hotel.

He was sleeping off.

He had an all-night bender, and they were waiting for him to sober up.

So that's what we were waiting on in order to get you a pilot.

um well that's scary on both sides the situation was one of the uh the flight attendants it was

their uh bachelorette party uh and all the pilots they're they're kind of friends and they all went

out and they had an all-night bender and so we're waiting for them to sober it's not a big deal if

the flight attendants come in still buzzed but the pilots uh we got to get them below that 0.06

or we have a problem yeah i would say so um yeah so we gave him a breathalyzer when he got on the

the plane he hit 0.05 so he was good to go well we on sitting at the gate there's the the wi-fi

signal from the airport does not reach um the wi-fi on the plane doesn't work because we're

under 10 000 feet and our cell reception is spotting on there so the ac was not working

it was just you know hot and uncomfortable so when we finally got up in the air that's fine

We were anxious to get to about 10,000 feet so that we could have Wi-Fi and to not have Wi-Fi.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let me ask you this, and I don't mean to offend by your voice.

You're Caucasian, correct?

No.

What difference does that make?

Well, our Internet, we have strict rules when it comes to the Internet.

We only supply the Wi-Fi for our Caucasian guests.

Oh, we do now.

Okay.

Well, they tend to pay more money for the flights.

I see.

Okay.

It's a segregated Internet.

I'm sorry?

What was your name again?

Oh, my name is Dwight McClanahan, West United.

Gotcha.

Okay.

Okay, now wait a minute.

Give me just a moment.

Is your original name Akabika Britton?

Is Miki's a nickname?

What's the point of this conversation?

Well, no, no, no, because I do see you actually shouldn't have been allowed on a flight

because you were flagged as a terrorist and on the no-fly list.

So you actually slipped through a few layers of security?

Yes.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

I don't understand that language.

Okay.

Well, look it up.

Maybe one of your Caucasian friends can enlighten you.

Ma'am, I'm going to have to report you, and I don't want to do that.

I felt that we were making some good dialogue, and I think we should be friends.

Why would you think that?

Listen, your next flight, I'm going to upgrade you to first class.

four minutes and 30 seconds of my life i'll never have again you'll have all the wi-fi you'll like

you'll be in first class uh i'll be on the flight to personally uh to take note of the ongoings on

the flight and mid-flight we'll go ahead and we'll slip into the bathroom and we'll become

members of the mile high club and we'll fuck because i have jungle fever awesome great you

think if i tug on your titties i'll get chocolate milk probably probably oh that's so fucking hot

Would you leave your husband for me?

I do want to remind you that this call is being recorded for purposes of training.

I'll try again.

Oh, the AC and the this and the that.

Can't survive two hours, a two-hour flight without Wi-Fi and getting on the internet.

Ah, you freaked my voicemail.

I know, right?

Hey, let's listen to a little more of Mantan Warland.

Two weeks later, she come to New York.

They gave her a coming-out party for her.

they invited three of the on-race cats of town to that party it was coming down

the same one guess I'm going to that party and pitch a bitch tonight

the other guy said look you're going to some fine people's home now you cut out

that nasty talk they go to the party and everything is going on fine all at once

the landlady says are you enjoying yourself in the bed talking guy wouldn't

said nothing just shook his head she looked at him so are you enjoying yourself he said yes

so the woman said well this says marie says time to go and serve the chicken she said merci madame

and she started in the kitchen and stumbled over this bad talking fellow's foot she said pardon

monsieur while i go into the kitchen and fuck the chicken around in his buddy say shit if this

gonna be that kind of party i'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes there's your answer

so that's where that came from.

Dwight, you there?

How you doing?

Yes, I am.

Mashed potatoes.

Answer your question.

There's more to that.

We'll play it later as time goes.

But we need to get the prank call machines.

All right, David or Janice Green,

one of these two,

complained to Time Warner Cable.

It was Janice who left it,

but David was listed the who is.

Help, it is working again for now.

Our phone number is this.

Oh, really?

Any idea what the problem had been?

Not without checking.

Let me see.

I can go...

And apparently her page doesn't exist.

They took the tweet.

I guess they realized they had their phone number in it.

All right, let's see.

Get pee out of a pool, lady.

Yeah, Janice?

Yes, hi, I'm calling from Time Warner Cable.

You were having an issue with your service?

Yes, we are.

All right, my name is Brendan.

How can I help you, goddammit?

Well, it's just...

Hello?

I'm confused.

Okay, it's confused.

Like what?

What? Is this your internet, your video, or your telephone service, ma'am?

Hello?

Here's my... You are with Time Cable, right?

Yes, I am.

You say you are. The reason I'm questioning it is because I had put my name up in a public place,

and I don't know for sure that you're Time Warner Cable.

You placed a ticket with us, so I'm responding to that.

I understand that.

No, no, no, no. Just a minute.

I did put one on a public place

so that's why I'm questioning it

anyway you got my phone number

okay yeah we'll have your account number

in front of me yes ma'am

can you read it to me

that would set my mind at ease

hold on a minute

looking for the number

I don't have time for this fucking shit

what's the fucking problem with your TV

motherfucker

cable wouldn't say shit to me

that was my first

well listen I'm night shift

and i'm second tier here all right and i'm waiting and i've got a handle time i got to

keep an average handle time so what's the deal what's the problem please ma'am give me my number

my account number uh 601-954-605-21229-9264 that doesn't match anything that i see is that well

Well, that's your new account number.

Your Xfinity account number for the takeover, you know, was approved.

Listen, I don't have time for this shit, motherfucker, you, okay?

What's wrong with the TV?

I can't.

She's doing the right thing.

She's doing what she's supposed to do.

Yeah, I was...

I'm trying to find her fucking post.

I don't know.

Her address isn't great.

We ain't gonna find her account number, sure.

I know, but I would've had her fucking address.

Yeah, I know.

But hey, I did the best we could.

You can call back.

maybe husband will call and be like yeah sure sure bench i'm gonna just scan it through to

see if we can he's gonna say a bench on this yeah i'm troubled you called my wife and i invited

brad but he's like i'm not gonna answer probably playing gta 5 motherfucker he's not he just wants

to listen and that's cool what's up man i i should you not in uh probably an hour an hour period

today i got my car blown up about six times yeah but that was on xbox versions yeah two of them

were fucking there was uh turbo oh i don't follow turbo was trying to kill the people behind us

they were trying to kill us and he kind of stuck my gun with the or my car with the uh sticky

grenade speaking of turbo and gta a different type of turbo the type that you can upgrade in your car

car machine it sure is damn fucking expensive motherfucker right yeah like i got the ability

to upgrade it in my machine and uh i did it in like all like three of my cars and i

burned through like five hundred thousand dollars with all my upgrades like shit

i

I can only have two cars right now.

It's as big as my garage is.

Player, I got a...

You gotta come on PC. You can hang out

in my apartment. I've got two properties.

I've got a beachfront property, and then I got

the one downtown with a 10-car garage.

I got the

Elfley or whatever the fuck it is.

And something

that's like a Dodge Charger that I stole.

It's pretty good. I like it.

I gotta get some money to put the

PC and logo on the front, though.

yeah elegy is my racing car that's my nice car and that's the fastest car in the game if you get

once you get all the upgrades that you can yeah i got a big three it didn't cost me any money the

big three are brakes uh fucking engine and transmission those are your three big upgrades

for the vehicles and also getting the turbo which is just one but you can upgrade all the armor on

that bitch armor's good makes a little heavier but it does yeah and listen in the elegy i i found

video proving that if you get the carbon uh roof and and hood it does decrease your weight and it

does make your car pretty noticeably faster i earlier i was playing right before giad show

and this guy was in a tank for like 10 minutes chasing me down just fucking blowing me to hell

and i'm like all right i quit yeah man i was chilling on a submarine today it was fun man

just taking all all around the fucking map one big loop me and turban we always go cruise around

the PCN shirts look good man

when you put that logo on them

yeah they do man

I put it on the Facebook to show people

yeah everyone look out for us

our tag is PCN1

it's Prank Call Nation

it's a crew on Rockstar Social Club

for Grand Theft Auto Online

and Grand Theft Auto 5

slash slash whatever

we've got active players

that we know of now on Xbox One

and the PC version

gotta get the uh gotta get the 10 grand to drop on a t-shirt though that's bullshit and also join

the phone losers of america well yeah i'm in both yeah but we're gonna keep the pcn one just to like

the staff and the major people you know what i mean we're gonna keep it tight we're not you know

you have permission uh in that crew right yeah i do i do i know i know because i was thinking about

updating it but i thought pcn one is kind of nice i think i'll stay yeah i tried just doing pcn but

But it was like, oh, you've got to have four.

And I'm like, yeah, fuck you.

I was thinking PRNK, but I think PCN1's better.

I had some guy invite me to a heist, and their crew was CNT.

Cunt.

Yeah, like the little thing pops up.

It was like, listen, you CNT, it's take your gun to work day.

Fucking all this shit, and I started busting up.

Like, I was good.

It's good.

Here's another Time Warner complainer.

Help, or TWC help.

You can take the encryption off of that channel

Then problem fixed

So I guess there's a problem with the NHL Network

And NBCSN today

Both the same damn network

Hockey season, yeah it is in season

It's in season until

It's almost over

They're playing the conference finals right now

Yeah, the Stanley Finals

Are like in the end of May

It's over

It's gonna be football season for a long

Fuck yeah man

Then we'll get into fantasy football again

how's the nba going who's houston's progressed like who's houston's playing the playing fucking

shit i know what they're playing i've been paying attention golden state golden state

golden state really and the calves are playing the hawks oh the calves are going to take your

call has been forwarded to an automatic what's the series uh i want the last game they won the

first game the calves did let's see uh but i don't know what it's all uh they're two oh calves are up

up 2-0 on the series of shit.

They'll sweep the motherfuckers.

That'd be impressive, especially

if Kevin Love's gone and he plays

with the rest of them and ends up getting a title or something.

They'd be sucking his dick in Cleveland.

Atlanta just never quite

gets there, really. Doesn't ever quite get

their heads through. They said this is the first

conference championship

game they've ever played in. Championship

game? Really? Ever? Yeah, they've

never made it to the Eastern Conference

Finals. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you're right. Holy shit.

long time coming because they've had good teams in the past but just never really get it right

in the playoffs at postseason and atlanta hawks they'll work together right very well hey let's

try that number again all right this is a time wonder i think dust dust bernadette says houston

is up 20 oh shit on golden state your call has been forwarded to an automatic he's not answering

at all or no wait oh okay houston's down 20 oh shit really they're down it's up to that james

That's because Dwight Howard would be a bitch.

Fuck him! Good.

You know what? As a matter of fact, good. That's right, I forgot.

Dwight's on the... yeah.

Dwight's on the rockets now, so I can't support him. Sorry.

I remember shows when you were always bitching about Dwight Howard.

You were like, fuck him. You motherfucker.

He's never gonna get a ring as long as I'm alive.

I'll kill myself if it happens.

I'll kill myself on the air.

No. I'll do something bad, though.

Masturbate on the air?

No, I'll cut myself.

become a cutter yeah no i just cut myself fly geod out let him bite you in the head

i'm that dopey motherfucker always fucking smiling joke asshole it's like that video

i shared with you with him grabbing that dude's fucking junk yeah it was funny when he was young

and the team's losing and he's on the sidelines laughing it's like what the fuck man yeah it was

that video like i said he walked over there after the interview grabbed that dude's nuts

dude what the fuck juan torres if they knew how bad wendy's customer service was now he would be

so disappointed hashtags bad service no service hollywood wendy's fail yeah but no ring for dwight

ever ever motherfucker he's patrick ewing his way through this fucking his career please leave your

message for not sorry mother fucker you fucking charlie you didn't you mother fucker ding at the

just to drag it out like he did man and to make us lose our fucking cool ass coach you know what

i mean that's always bullshit when a player has enough influence they fuck this coach get this

motherfucker out and then he still fucking leaves and stan is the fucking man bro he's your coach

now he's hanging out up in detroit he's the fucking man dude stan is fucking awesome stan's

the fucking gm and the coach is he really yeah he's got both positions the person you're trying

to reach is not available please leave a message yeah stan came up he's like i want

a complete control he's damn that's awesome he's got the whole deal the person you're trying to

read well he made the right decision just chilling for a year like he did he's like nobody

can with me now i got complete control he was a really big philanthropist in central florida

he was given a lot to local charities and stuff it was this the community really hated the fact

they got fired they were really resentful of that at that point you know people sort of regularly

booing dwight at home and shit all the time he's like at that point he wasn't gonna want to stay

anymore was it just fucking go dude red wings just lost their coach that they had the last 10 years

he's up he's the toronto maple leaves fucking coach now it was time to go everybody was

bitching i don't paid out the ass for him too they're paying like six and a half million

a year for a fucking hockey coach please leave your message for nine zero eight two four

shit i love the part this part of the show marie baker comcast complaining she has the fastest

internet and max cable package you would think i'd receive no you uh you skipped a bunch what

did i and you got uh two above her my ears are dirty hang on let me get there unless you did

Tyler already? I did Tyler.

That's what confused me because

Juan and Tyler have the same area

code. Oh yeah, I did Joey and Tyler

already. Alright, then we're at Mary.

Marie? Okay, so this is a Comcast.

She says she should be getting better treatment.

Why can't she get help?

Bad treatment. She's in Florida.

She's in the 904. What's up?

What's up, 904?

Touchpot, tits. I used to rep the 904

and now it's the 308. I remember when I was

a kid, I was still repping the 305

for a while. It went all the way up

the whole coast of Florida. That's impossible.

I mean, how many people moved since 19...

You have reached the voicemail box of...

What are these motherfuckers?

Yeah! Try again.

Smells like bologna.

You have reached the voicemail box of

9-0-4-5-1-7.

Boom!

Anyway, 904. No sign. Represent.

They took my nuts.

I think Jacksonville's now.

Um...

amc theaters i won't be coming back to any of your theaters because i discovered torrenton no

because your customer service is horrible hashtag you guessed it lost business like how these people

think they're so fucking important yeah let's tweet out here you have reached the voicemail

it was really bad when that facebooker tool went down

hello hello good evening there sir how you doing tonight who's this uh this is dwight with amc

theaters oh hi how are you not too bad i saw you sent a tweet over our way and i wanted to call and

touch base with you and apologize uh for any inconvenience or uh you know some customer

service that may not have been to your satisfaction and wanted to get your side of the story there

is this an actual amc number yeah that's correct it's coming through our uh our ips they're being

routed through here okay so wait how did you get my number when the complaint comes through

uh it registers a telephone number and uh so we thought we'd give you a shout oh yeah um no it's

nothing too crazy but i usually don't use i usually don't use amc just because uh regal

cinema is around me but we had specifically we had specifically went to the um amc theater

near the palisades mall it's palisades mall um and the problem is that i paid i paid 15 that i

I actually wound up, it was $15 a ticket.

I wound up spending $50 to pay for three tickets to a 3D movie.

What did you go see?

I went to go see Poltergeist.

It wasn't that great of a movie.

Yeah, I could have told you that.

So when we went in there, we went in and then we were watching a few previews.

And my girlfriend had went out because she hadn't eaten all day.

So she went to McDonald's real quick to grab some french fries.

she wasn't trying to bring uh outside food in was she well she had it she had a couple of fries in

the bag just to give me the rest nothing serious but um and the the problem that i have in in

regard to the food issue no no before we get into the food issue you say uh three tickets

yeah about three tickets 15 a piece yeah yeah that's 45 not 50 but continue go ahead right

right but i rounded it up yeah no that's fine go ahead but um so i called in regard to the fact

that i'm paying this amount of money she's not doing anything wrong i would incorporate into

your business the fact that a small popcorn is six dollars so in the regard that everybody in

that theater's got some sort of outside food so and i get the generalized policy that okay it's

It's not accepted in a sense, but my girlfriend was hunted down by security

as if she was coming in there with some sort of weapon.

Oh, Jesus.

Did they pat her down?

They took her bag and searched through her bag.

Did they receive permission before doing this, or did they just snatch it?

Well, she didn't have much of an option in the sense that she was told to go get her bag,

and now I've got a theater full of people watching my girlfriend get searched

as if she's got something wrong.

Well, you see, what happens is the cameras that we have in there are infrared, and we're actually able to see inside of, you know, purses.

We're able to actually see through clothing, and we're able to, you know, kind of determine if there's something out of place there.

Yeah.

I mean, all I'm saying is, listen, I think that the theater industry is a big ripoff in the sense that I'm, again, paying $15 per ticket to sit in not-so-comfortable seating.

to watch a movie that turns out to be bad.

Well, I don't even go there myself.

They offer me a discount.

It's like $4 when I go, and I don't even go.

Yeah.

All I'm saying is, like, I usually go to Regal Cinemas,

but I'm not going to go out of my way to go to Aim Secure.

Okay.

Now, did they pat her down at all, or was it just her bag?

Did they pat you down?

Do you mind if I speak to her about the incident?

She's actually in the middle of doing something right now.

Oh, can you put it on speakerphone at all?

I could speak to her that way.

Oh, no.

No, yeah, she's not in the room right now.

Oh, okay, all right.

She's not in the room, but you're talking to her.

I got you.

Okay, so go ahead and continue.

Yeah, so that's basically it.

Okay, so let me tell you, because from my report that I got from the manager on duty,

was that you and your girlfriend were actually seated in the back row,

and we have cameras within the theater itself and they caught you uh receiving fellatio services

from your girlfriend and that's why security came in yeah that wasn't me yeah well no we were able

to determine that because we followed it all on the security cameras and when they came and grabbed

her uh she had your penis uh approximately two inches deep between her lips who's this yeah my

name is dwight with amc theaters amc theaters correct and what's my name your name is andrew

kringsman or kringsman i'm sorry okay so who is this because i think i'm getting pranked all right

yeah my name is dwight mcclanahan i'm with amc theaters and i just wanted to inform you this is

is a family establishment we can't have people performing sex acts in the uh in in the theater

itself i know it was a rated r movie but we just can't have that sometimes children sneak into

these movies you're bugging i'm sorry none of this happened all i'm saying is listen i came

to your movie theater and i got harassed for french fries no one was taken out no one was

caught no one i mean from from what they told me is you were using those french fries as a sexual

toy to heighten

the sexual tension in the theater.

I swear to God, yeah, I can't do this.

Who is this, Jeff?

They told me that you were taking french fries and

rubbing it on her exposed vagina

for sexual pleasure.

Is this Jeff? No, I'm serious.

We have audio. They said you were going,

Oh, yeah, yeah, salt them.

Salt the pussy. Salt the salt.

And that's what you were doing.

And then you took one of the bigger

french fries and you put it in your urethra

and you were like, me, me, me, me, me, me.

me oh joe i wonder who joe is we'll try again joe joe joe joe

hello hey hey man it was joe joe's calling it was funny right i'm joe's friend paul i have a boutique

hello huh yeah it's i'm joe's friend paul he's laughing really hard right now um but he's

he's he's uh he's one of my friends uh we're here hanging out he said he wanted to call you he had

a joke something like that so it was funny it was funny it was funny motherfucker right we had a lot

of fun i don't know who you are but yeah my name is paul kimbo yeah yeah everyone calls me sauce

all right bro yeah you have a good night you can call me sauce too honey all right i'll fill your

your mouth up with sauce you know white sauce dwight where are you what happened you scared

like touching it me me me all right dwight's taking a shit or something i'm gonna play some

more with this man tan more land so i found out he's the he was the black dude that had the really

bulging eyes on the uh three stooges shorts and stuff like that this is him he played he actually

had a lot of regular work he started working in minstrel shows in 1910 that's how this is how

far back this guy goes this guy's a fucking pioneer man he was a black man telling dirty

jokes like this way back then he deserves a lot more respect than you know recognition that he gets

shit i'm not him i run my house i tell my wife to bring me some hot water she better bring hot

I can't wash no dishes in cold water.

That guy's awesome.

I'm going to keep playing that later.

You're back, Dwight?

What happened?

Did you go pee-pee?

Yeah, false alarm.

False alarm pee-pee.

I thought I was going to go take a leak, but I didn't.

That means you're probably diabetic if you're getting that a lot, I'm just saying.

Do you want to go through the risks factors, see what your rate at?

No, I had an A1C test earlier this year.

And what was it?

Not diabetic.

What was it?

Was it pre-diabetic?

No.

No, none of that.

Oh, well.

It'll catch up.

That beer, you've got to be careful with the gout, man.

Yep, they gave me medication for that.

Thank God.

Oh, man.

Really?

Yeah, allopurinol or some shit.

Allopurinol, yeah.

Yeah, I've got to take it once a day.

Yeah, dude.

Ever since I've had it, it's done pretty good.

My triglycerides are kind of high, and I keep fighting with the insurance company

about getting them to fucking approve it.

I'm going to get your Trilopex going, man.

I think the doctor's like, oh, we want you on this medication.

The insurance company's like, fuck that, we're not paying for it.

So they sent an order for a generic.

And the insurance company's like, fuck that, we're not paying for that.

They sent you to die.

Call them and tell them you're sent in to meet at death.

Yeah, they're like, we want you on this cholesterol medication.

It's like, dude, that's not what they're targeting.

They're targeting triglycerides.

You're not fucking doctors, you're insurance people.

Shut the fuck up.

They get their own doctors to say, oh, yeah, let's do this because that company is really cool with us.

Yeah, because they gave us a lot of shit.

Here's some more man-tanned moral land, just because I said so.

Dwight?

Guys were on the train.

While they was on the train, there's a guy was sitting on there with three little old kids.

These little kids were running all over the train, tanning it up.

And the guy on the other side looked at him and says,

Hey, is that your boys running all over this train?

He said, yeah, come here, you little motherfucker.

He was pumping that boy and beating him all across the head.

And everything like that father behind the guns today till you better stop being that boy. Do you have bad luck?

So you will have hard looks on really hard love being that boy. He said hard enough. I'm gonna have

He said brother he said my sister is in the bag

He's caught dead and we don't know why we go take her you talking about. I'm gonna have hard love you see this

This little son of a bitch here, he done runnin' shit all over the train.

And you talkin' about I'm gonna have bad luck.

This little motherfucker done tore up the ticket, and I'm on the wrong train.

And my barn just burned down.

With everything in it, tell me I'm gonna have hard luck.

The day before yesterday, comin' to this train, that we was crawlin' across the desert,

my wife and I, that we was hungry, didn't have nothin' to eat.

it that we all had just a little bit of flour in a can so we thought that we would stop and make

some biscuits and we didn't have no water to put in the flour i said baby i say you might as well

pee on it make give us ice dough and the pee on in the city i didn't blew the flower

what the fuck i love it i don't think this guy's a genius man he's got fart jokes going on

in the 50s man i think this might be fucking older than that it's gonna be 50s at least 50s

he was ahead of his time it was ahead of his time man fuck richard pryor this is what's up

man tam moreland shit oh all right sorry do we have more numbers do i no we're done

looking at some yelp check-ins i got jennifer i got jennifer nothing real promising talking

gonna miss jennifer jennifer's a comcast complainer saying she never received confirmation

for her tuesday appointment and she sent the direct message well i'm i got the direct message

uh let's get that comcast toll-free number you got that off him c-o-m-c-a-s-t 1-800-COMCAST

well let me look here oops hit the wrong goddamn button okay so 1-800 uh two six six uh-huh two

2-6-6?

Uh-huh.

Uh, 2-2?

2-2.

7-8.

All right.

Thanks, bud.

Yep.

I just are old.

I just want to enter Comcast every time.

Uh, okay.

So, when we left off, we were going to call her.

Let's do that now.

Engage.

Oh, sh...

Good.

Engage.

Yeah.

She farted and blew up.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

I speak with Jennifer Donovan.

My name is Andrew.

i'm calling from comcast xfinity it's 11 o'clock at night on a friday yeah you just sent this on

this you sent it on sometime during this shift tonight so that means you're up right you had

a complaint about a uh you had a complaint about your appointment being missed you didn't get a

confirmation call and you're due for a 25 fee for that i'm not due for any fees i sent a message at

at, like, 4 o'clock this afternoon.

It's not 11 o'clock at night.

Well, there is a fee being placed.

You need to call me back during other hours.

There is a fee being placed on your account for this,

just to let you know.

For what?

For this call.

For this ticket that you opened through Twitter.

She's like, what?

For what?

Oh, I should show her I picked up this time.

The seed has been planted.

Or else she will wake up and call very angry

and demand a credit for baloney.

Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Jennifer Donovan.

I can't get to the phone.

blah blah blah all right what do we got dwight shall i look at the map see if i can get anything

i got some yelp check-ins there all right let's get the milk check-in dust bernardette says sorry

but you didn't bother me buddy dust was asking me dust bernardette was asking me for uh advice

for getting into the it industry and i helped i helped dust bernardette out i guess let him know

what i did you know to get to where i am that which isn't that super good but doing way better

than i was before checking at the meat meat pizza i'll be honest like it's really hard to get a hold

of me even my friends like ask milkman ask my wife my in-laws everyone my mistress they will

all tell you i'm extremely hard to get a hold of i i just get uh i just get messages every once in

a while like here here's a video and i look at it it's a deer farting dude deer fart was awesome

today i found deer farting man there's a video dude everyone go to youtube and type in deer fart

dot wmv and you prepare 10 seconds long you'll probably play for a whole minute straight man

that's 10 times like his tail his little tail goes up like a flag

see the damn thing flexing its ribs yeah his ribs are like yeah he's getting into that

part get out of the evil team it still keeps the innocent deer look on his little face i guess i

could get the link like if you could talk about it wasn't me i get the link for the chat i guess

i posted on matt hillocks yeah hi i need to speak to a customer there named stephanie

Stephanie?

Customer?

Stephanie Eldridge.

I think you got the wrong number.

There's no Stephanie here.

This is Thai Canteen.

In Midtown Sacramento?

Yeah, she's eating there.

I'm not sure.

There's so many customers here.

I don't really know who that is.

They'll say, please, announcement, please, Stephanie Eldridge, your house is on fire.

Please.

Give me one second.

Okay.

Oh, man.

What's that?

What's up, Micron?

you get the next one buddy i'm gonna look for miss diamond there's diamond diamond in the back

i'm hoping it real last name is diamond let's see if that black guy had any more jokes

that's a good background noise to get right for a sideboard yeah oh man oh holy shit the sloth is

still active in the uh in the channel holy dick oh he woke up huh yeah wow all right i found deer

your fart let me uh post a link here for you in the chat room there you go that's what it sounds

like uh wasn't me it's got 3.6 million views man been around probably i thought a lot of people

seen it by now i posted it anyway i don't give a fuck yeah yeah all right so who's next

miss diamond diamond did i never dial it no there was a there was a deer fart you've been calling

Calling the four points by Sheraton, San Diego.

To reach a guest,

please dial 0.

For reservations, dial 1.

For accounting, dial 2.

For sales and...

Please hold.

Hello?

Yeah, I need to be transferred to a guest, please.

Okay, what's the guest's last name?

Last name is Diamond.

Okay, one second, okay, sir?

Mm-hmm.

That's mean put me on hold.

If you can't type a name in, like, 30 seconds.

Typical woman.

Okay, hello, sir?

Yeah.

We don't have a guest here with the last name Diamond.

Well, she said that's what she checks in at.

She's a prostitute.

She's a prostitute?

Yeah, lady of the night.

Oh, great.

She's a black lady.

Okay, give me one second.

Okay.

You got a list of prostitutes right there?

No, we don't.

One second, sir.

All right.

Oh, my gosh.

I actually heard you say that.

I was just going to hear you say that.

That was funny.

I do not know how to handle this situation.

She kind of laughed when you said that.

Okay, hello, sir.

Yeah.

The only way I'd be able to find her is by her actual last name,

because we have to verify her ID, so I wouldn't be able to help you without her last name.

Okay, so you had to verify her ID.

Yeah, we have to verify her ID.

So, like, can I come in and, like, just grab a seat in the lobby and just wait until I see her?

What can I do?

Her actual name is Cher.

It's Cher.

Because I already gave her money.

Her last name is Cher?

No, her actual first name is Cher.

Cher.

Yeah, Cher.

I think it's short for Cher.

Cher.

How do you say it?

Cher.

Do you know her last name?

I think it's just Cher.

Okay, let me see.

One second.

She just goes, you know, like that guy Cross?

He just goes by Cross, like that.

She says she usually stays in like 312.

312?

You have the wrong hotel.

No, this is the hotel with lots of putas in it, right?

Yeah, I know.

I was looking for Miss Diamond.

I was looking for her room.

She says she stays in the 3012 up there.

What's the last name?

Diamond.

D-I-A-M-O-N-D?

Yeah, you got it.

Unfortunately, I don't have a guess here by that name.

But listen, she already took my money.

she's she's i don't you guys like prostitutes in there but she took my money already so i need to

be transferred to her room in order to get my money back or somebody at the front desk is gonna

owe me a blow job i apologize about that i don't have okay so uh transfer me to 312 so i could talk

to her 312 yeah okay and what was the last name of the reservation under 312 why i she said that's

where she stayed and she told me last name was diamond but she's giving me fake names so i need

talk to her and transfer me up there

so I can get my money back.

And unfortunately, I don't have that guest under 312.

Well, no, listen.

Listen, either you're blowing me or she's blowing me.

You make that decision.

I mean, I'm good either way.

I apologize, sir.

Unfortunately, we don't...

I don't have that guest here.

Unfortunately, I would not be able to transfer you over.

The only way I'd be able to do that is hotel policy.

Would you need to...

I would need you to verify the last name of the reservation.

I don't have that.

Oh, ****.

Oh, I lost a pain pill on the floor, man.

This is bad.

Man, cat eats it.

Do I either?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, buddy.

I'm sorry about that.

That cat might get your pain pill.

Time is running and passing.

I'm calling back.

So you all better get right at this time.

Hello, and thank you for calling the four points by Sheridan, San Diego.

To reach a guest, but if you need office assistance, please dial 0.

Please hold.

Thank you for calling the four points, San Diego.

Yes, I'm calling.

I'm looking to speak to a guest who's staying there, please.

Okay, what's her last name?

Uh, Chur, Chur, Chur.

How do you spell that?

Chur, Chur, C-H-U-R, Chur.

C-H-U-R.

We don't have anything by that last name.

Uh, C-U-L-O.

C-U-L-O.

Mm-hmm, Culo.

We don't have anything under that last name either.

Uh, C-H-O-C-H-A.

C-H-O.

We don't have anything under that last name.

T-I-T-S?

Nothing under that last name either.

P-U-S-S-Y?

Nothing under that last name either.

Labia?

Areola.

Vulva?

No, we don't have that, sir.

How your pussy go?

Cervix?

I got too deep.

Too deep, so to say.

Hey, you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

Stand by, Poo.

I found it.

Yeah.

The cat's safe.

The cat's will lay.

you should give it to the cats rectally oh jesus christ these are not yeah they're small as fuck

the small ones they have no uh tylenol they're not a viking percocet they're just straight up

the oxycodone that lady sounded kind of sexy like she wanted to fuck right like they always

have to tell her hey no no no no fucking the guests don't speak for him yeah yeah that was

her dirty not dirty she has like she has like vibrating panties on she gives the remote control

all the random guests okay kind of a stretch but hey man uh you want to try the pizza place

sure dna pizza well i don't know they got some we got some dna in it especially when i get done

with it dna oh and i'm looking for uh some guy that's in there eating some fucking pizza all

right i'm looking for a guy he's in there he's uh trying to pick up a pizza he's trying to get

a nice pie not sure what you're asking me so you know people that come in consumers they come in

and they order pizza, they get pizza, he's in there,

and then you talk to him because his parents' house is on fire.

Cool, good talk.

What the fuck?

What a dick.

Yeah, what a cocksucker.

He didn't understand, so I was explaining it to him.

What a pain.

He's about to get to rest now.

Yes?

Yeah.

Call in and make an order, please.

I'm sorry?

I'm calling to make an order, please.

Have you ordered with us before?

No.

All right, so just so you know, at this time, is that okay?

Take card?

Yeah, so we can't take cash, only card.

Oh, just a card machine.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like you have to pay with a credit card.

Okay, sure.

Go.

Please hold for one second.

10-4.

This guy's a real mick asshole.

We're on hold.

He sounds like an asshole, right?

Like a fucking dickhead, this guy.

Yeah.

I want to get some fucking cheese sticks and he's being a fuckhead.

Probably got some shit food here.

We shouldn't even fucking order from this fucking place.

I tasted better bread when I ate out this bitch with a yeast infection.

Oh my god.

You PCN.

Fuck you.

you okay fuck this network nigga never get mad if you call me fat i know i'm fat but he was like

saying stuff like go take your pills i was like all right i hit mask i'm fucked up bro let me take

it easy a little time out and he was but this wasn't the only thing he was being a douchebag

system for a few weeks there what a cocksucker and it was supposed to be just like a little bit

and then he just when they let him back in he went off the rails again like even worse

what else is deep then yeah i think after like a second or third time i was like all right dude

bye letting you back in let bygones be bygones be cool man don't be a dick you can be an asshole

that's one of the rules of the chat room the chat page you guys should read those rules pretty much

the first rule is that pc and chat is under democracy last year for some reason a group

of people were like you should be a democracy and it's not fair that the people can't vote

on who can be banned like what are you talking about it's my fucking network

work what the fuck are you talking about the person that pays for shit you shouldn't decide

who's banned the people okay you'd even have patreon at that point yeah it's a dude when i

when i was playing uh counter-strike swords i i had fucking op hours and i never fucking

answered to anyone i who i banned i'm like i banned him here's the fucking reason i banned

him there it's done it's done yeah sorry i wish i could talk about i'm just gonna let it sit for a

a while i'm talking a lot of just just fucking simmer something happened recently but it's just

sad uh some people still think like that some people like well that shouldn't be like that

i just want it not to be like that it's like well it's it's our fucking chat room and that's how we

like it so i don't know what to tell you like we all came to consensus the people who run this

and between all of us who said yeah that's what we're gonna do how we want it and if you don't

like it go to a different chat room there's a hierarchy just like gta5 that handles this

bullshit there's capos i'm hanging up on this piece of place probably just listen oh shit i

didn't know where you're still i forgot i forgot to listen to all your shit who are these people

who's carl sanders all right jovan safeway you try it safeway i hope he's still there

getting his little purchases

for calling your friendly

Sacramento Safeway

using your touchtone phone

make selecting from the following choices

or stay in the line

nice making the assumption I have a touchtone

bitch

please listen to the options as our menu has changed

for store hours and location

information press 1

for all other inquiries and customer

service press 8

why wouldn't you just say just let it go straight

through to someone

One moment, please.

Seriously, right?

Why?

You want to store hours?

Press one.

Otherwise, stay on the fucking line.

You know, I'm tired of hearing these things that say,

please listen to all the options I have that have recently changed.

They've recently changed and they didn't.

Hearing that for, like, the last three years.

Whenever you call the same place.

Please listen carefully as our options have changed.

And you can't hit zero.

It doesn't even register when you type zero.

So it's like, wow.

The only option that changed was the option to press zero.

Yeah, exactly.

When you hit zero, it tells you that is an invalid option.

It starts all the way from the beginning again, yes.

Those are the good ones.

Now, I've called ones at jobs that I've had before where there's an option like for Polka.

I remember there was this one place I called once.

It goes, and press five for Polka time.

I'm like, huh?

And I hit five, and here, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

And that was it.

It was like Zappos.

Thank you for calling Safeway on Howe.

This is John.

How can I help you?

How are you doing there, John?

I'm looking for a gentleman that's in there shopping right now.

I've got to get a hold of him.

His parents' house is on fire, and he's not answering his cell phone.

I don't think he has reception.

Okay.

He's shopping in the store?

Yeah, he's in the store.

What's his name?

His last name is Torres.

First name is Javon.

Javon Torres.

Okay.

I will see if that person's in here.

Yeah, if you can, please hurry up.

They took his mother away in the ambulance

We're still looking for his father

Okay, I will

Do you want me to put you on hold and report back?

Yeah, yeah, put me on hold

And if you can't get him to the front desk

I gotta talk to him real quick

Alright, thanks, hold on

Yeah, thank you

I'm glad he thanked me

I know, shit

That's amazing how fast that fucking gets people to the front desk

Your parents' house is on fire

I tried that with the workout places

They're like, we can't leave the desk

because I'm like, come on, his fucking house is on fire.

He looks like Jackie Chan.

Confirmed the hotels for tomorrow there, Mr. Beef.

Good, good.

You got hotels going on for Celebrity Hunt number two.

Yep, I confirmed all three Comic-Cons I want to try tomorrow.

Comic-Cons.

You know what I really would like to do once, man?

Now that you're getting into the Comic-Con things,

I should get you involved.

We'll go to a Comic-Con.

I just called for him.

I don't know if he's in here.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll wait and hold.

He should be in there.

He's picking up some groceries.

Okay.

All right.

I'll see.

Excuse me.

Hey.

You call him again.

I'm sorry.

My name is Bill.

Can I, Dwight, just because I know his friend that's there with him, can I give him, sir,

can you ask maybe for his friend, because maybe he'll hear his name.

What's his friend's name?

His friend is Nick.

Last name is G-E-R-Z, Gers.

Nick, is this a prank call?

No.

Okay.

His parents' house is on fire.

We're trying to, like I said, we're still trying to locate his father.

Okay.

Well, I'll call for Nick.

Nick, Nicholas Gers.

Yeah, Nick Gers.

Okay, well, one moment.

I'll see.

Okay, thank you.

He's just going to say Nick.

Shout out to the Stern Show for that, by the way.

Especially Saul Governale.

Nick Gers.

We got to get someone to do it.

But see, that's got to be good to have someone there that recorded it.

Like, Jad would do good with that with his new project.

Yeah, there's no one coming to the desk at all, so.

Oh, it was a lie.

It was a lie.

Yeah?

Yeah.

To make you say niggers.

Yeah, I didn't say it, so.

He's silly.

Then call it again.

He might be there.

The old Comic-Cons, those are starting to become fun just to talk your way through.

Let me tell you, someone who I did talk to earlier, I didn't burn the number,

but just to confirm one of the hotel i talked to linda blair earlier no way cool yeah yeah from

the uh the exorcist yeah yeah i said just saw the exorcist last saturday i i called and he's like

i was like i need to be transferred to my mother's room and i got her and i didn't burn the number

but we're uh they're confirmed yes i got breaking news the senate the senate just rejected the uh

bill to extend the NSA's

bulk collection of telephone data.

Breaking news. So they're not listening to us anymore?

Uh, we'll see about that.

At least this, yeah.

Just because they rejected it doesn't mean they don't do it.

Doesn't mean they won't do it without getting paid?

I don't know. I don't know how that works, man.

But supposedly that just came up,

that just came down the wire right now.

Gandalf Pimp in IRC

said he just caught the Nick Gers

reference.

It took him that long.

The guy on the phone caught it right away. He was like,

wait a minute george says i bet the nsa is a big prank call fan yeah they're probably big fans

that would be entertaining like just listening to like boring fucking calls and there's also

like a dude you gotta listen to this pretty sure they've listened to us i'm pretty sure at some

point because you know we've called like iran and shit like that we've referenced fucking

terrorists no fly list all the goddamn time as much as uh we and this me and the rest of the

i'm trying to get people not to say that shit yeah hey uh how are you hi yeah i would like to

order a make an order most uh dd dd mao pardon dd mao i'd like to make an order dd mao where

is the car uh this this is palm tree la yes yeah i'm trying to make an order on a water

Can I speak to someone who's there?

No, not this time.

And to when?

After 15 minutes.

Can you call after 15 minutes?

No, motherfucker, you.

I cannot speak English very well.

Oh, you fuck yourself then, stupid fucking Vietnam motherfucker.

Call your motherfuckers.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

And a couple numbers there.

I got a very special guest that used to live there for a little bit.

i used to look nice yeah you used to uh you know you rented a space on the top of their elevator

oh did i oh really i gotta but i i have to i have to go pee too i gotta pee we're gonna

take a pee break listen to me yeah beastie boy it's not

all right sorry i'm back are you back yeah i had to check on the old lady over there she's

not feeling well tonight all right we're already more numbers you said right

that one where we did the uh you riding on the elevator so that same place yeah let's do it yeah

i used to live there till they kicked me out like carl sanders got kicked out there he lives sorry

i just can't believe such hatred why i didn't do anything i'm just trying to make people laugh

i'm just trying to make people laugh man it's not worth it if you're gonna get upset about it guys

don't tune in don't listen don't deal with it find something else there's a lot of stuff out

out there laugh if you're not gonna laugh don't come please you're not gonna laugh and hang out

and have a good time throw the echo on we'll see if we can't uh sure for me or for you for you

pie pizza jeff speaking how can i help you this evening oh what is this now my pie pizza

oh the meat without me me pizza it's my pie pizza oh i'm sorry i read it wrong listen um

i ordered some pizza and uh delivery driver he come and uh we have issue now he's stuck in my

my bathroom you what your delivery driver he come to my house and he said he used the bathroom and

now he's stuck in there oh no okay let me let me talk to miles okay hang on hang on hey hey your

boss is on the phone this is miles can i ask you hey your delivery driver he come and brought me

a pizza and now he's stuck in my bathroom excuse me yeah your delivery driver's stuck in my bathroom

he's in your bathroom yeah he's stuck he said he had to make a pp and i said right there uh first

door on the left now he's stuck in there uh we sent our delivery driver home a while ago

yeah well he said he had one more delivery now he's over he's stuck in the bathroom now i'm

trying to i put on speakerphone he's trying to talk through the door i really can't do anything

he's not on our clock right now so you're not going to help him well he's taking he's taking

a leak is this a joke no it's not a joke he's stuck in there the doorknob the doorknob won't

turn um i really can't do anything from being at work right now you know i can't there's nothing

he needs a hand you can't do anything sir i'm sorry how about a job is he supposed to just

live in there uh you could maybe call uh police or something to help open that door no no they

charge they charge all kinds of money i don't have money for that i barely had money for pizza

i can't do anything about that sir i'm sorry well you need to come over and get him out of here he's

He's wearing the uniform and everything.

I'm going to start taking pictures, and I'm going to send it to the news.

Okay, if that's what you have to do, sir.

I can't do anything from here.

I'm going to embarrass your company.

I'm going to embarrass your location.

I'm going to say, delivery driver is beating off of my bathroom.

See, now he's hitting my door.

He's hitting the bathroom door.

He's trying to get out.

Well, I can't come to your house.

He's not our responsibility right now.

I can't leave the restaurant.

He said he was on the clock when he came here.

I represent me.

Well, he's not on the clock right now because our delivery drivers went home and they clocked out.

He shouldn't have been giving a delivery.

Your delivery driver just said you're taking all responsibility.

He said he was on the clock.

Yeah, they're in charge about it.

It's on them.

Don't worry.

They'll take care of it, sir.

He said you're going to take care of it.

Because it's, yeah, it was working.

What's your address?

You want, okay, my address is 1625 Salvio Street.

Hello?

Okay.

I'm going to send the fire department over to get him out, okay?

The fire department?

To get him out what?

You can't come over here and give me a hand?

I got a crowbar.

So let's use the fire resources.

No, the fire department will get the guy out of the bathroom.

Oh, good.

I'll go ahead and call them.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is this how you treat your employees?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so they'll be there shortly, okay?

Okay.

Fuck you.

Fuck you in the ass.

All right, there we go.

Fuck him.

Is that what you want?

I thought it was the hotel.

Toe. Toe. Yeah, that was my bad.

But we have fun still. We have fun. We made it happen.

Yeah.

Well,

we are this is where we were wanting to be the imperial hawaii resort at waikiki

the lady that says are you is is your brother in my in my shaft

if he's if he's not i'm calling the police

yeah listen i have an issue that i would like to report to the manager on duty

regarding uh an unauthorized guest i'm sorry an unauthorized guest unauthorized guest yes

and how did you come about with this unauthorized guest well it's my brother and you're staying in

house no i'm not staying i'm on the mainland but he's he's a veteran and he's been drinking

and he called me to tell me that he got into the elevator of your establishment

and he pushed up the top and he climbed up top

and he's riding the elevator like a horse.

Oh, sounds like your dad.

I'm sorry?

Sounds like your dad.

Sounds like your mom.

See, he's belligerent and riding your elevators.

Kanaka?

Maybe he was raped as a child or something?

Fuck you, motherfucker.

I can hear what you're saying here, everything you're saying.

I guess I ain't going to work with them anymore, dude.

I think they fired the lady we spoke to and put Jose in charge.

Yeah, man.

But, hey, we got to get a resort.

Do you feel like pranking some more?

Are you with me, man?

Yeah, we can ride out a little bit longer.

A little bit longer?

Come on, man.

Come on.

Get some beer.

Let's get really drunk and high.

Yeah, but I got stuff I got to do tomorrow.

I'm trying.

You don't got to do nothing.

What, you got to do a choir practice tomorrow?

No, but I got to get my fucking car fixed tomorrow.

You don't have a car, so.

You don't have a car.

Yeah, I've got to tell my brother I'm going to go out there with a fucking garden hose

and I'm going to hit him and tell him to fix the part of my car.

Oh, shit, man. Really?

Yeah, I've got to have a steering gearbox put in.

Oh, shit.

Wait and got it. It was fucking, it was fucking, oh, it was about 200 bucks.

But I don't have to pay any labor.

I just tell my brother to get out of the fucking car and fix it.

I'm sorry. It sucks when you get car trouble, right?

Don't you hate that shit?

yeah it's it's i just had upper and lower ball joints put on that fucker on both sides oh shit

and then uh i asked my brother i was like isn't that supposed to fix that fucking problem he's

like uh yeah well he said you didn't have those put on anyway but the steering problem is the

gearbox and i'm like you son of a bitch all right brother dwight my man my bro we got another hotel

This one's in L.A. Let's see if we can get it popping off with the elevator prank.

Yeah, hopefully they have an elevator.

Here we go.

Oh, they're quiet. They're quiet.

Press 8 to reach a guest. Press 2 for reservations. Press 3 for stands.

8 to reach a guest? Yeah, I was about to say that. I guess that would work.

Let's see, let's see. Oh, their volume is so low, though, sir.

It's so wonderful to hear at the Holiday NLX. This is Jasmine speaking. Can you please hold?

No, I really can't. It's kind of an emergency.

Okay, what did you need?

My brother, he's a Vietnam vet, and he's been drinking.

He just three-way called me, and he told me that he got into your elevators,

and he pushed up the top, and he is currently on top of your elevators.

I'm right in the elevators.

On top of the elevators?

Yeah, he said he's on top of the elevators. He said it's like a carnival ride.

Yeah, the elevators go up and down.

He's at the Holiday Inn here in La Cienega?

Yeah, correct.

He's currently on top.

I have him on three-way.

Yeah.

Give me one second.

Slow it up and down.

Give me one second.

Okay, thank you.

Down a little.

That was a close one.

Hello, down there.

Hey.

Hello, ma'am.

Yes?

Yeah, no, he's up there.

Okay, give me one second.

Okay.

Hey, can you stop the elevator, please?

Ma'am.

He said he's sitting there.

He's trying to yell at people in the elevator to stop the elevator.

Okay, I'll go ahead.

I can't see him.

Tell him that they're not, they don't, I'm up here.

They're ignoring him.

Hello?

Who is this?

Security officer.

How are you doing?

Listen, my brother, he's a vet, and he's been drinking,

and he told me, he just three-way called me, and he's in the elevator.

He said he went in the elevator, and he pushed the top up,

and now he's on top of the elevator.

He's on top of the elevator?

Yeah, yeah, I got him on three-way here

Hey brother, do you know which one you're in?

Yeah, he's saying this as main bus be

Could you hold I'll go check them out right now. Okay. Yeah, I'll hold on

Yeah, don't show that you guys shut him off so he doesn't ride further up and then we need to test the fire

the bell's supposed to be loud guys okay because i'm up here next to the bell i can't do anything

about the bell is loud you gotta work with me here hello sir hello

yeah no brother i'm gonna ask the guy if you should put your t-shirt in the gears if that'll

help oh brother oh my brother that door is slamming mighty loud do they need to oil that

Are you sending me a secret code?

No.

Oh.

Yeah, that's what I need.

I'll put it up.

Okay.

It's so loud up here.

The bell is so loud.

Hello, sir.

Are you still there?

I get chest pains whenever I do things.

My angina.

Vagina?

No, angina.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Vagina.

Smoking some pot.

Hello, sir.

Smoking some weed.

Some marijuana up here.

Yeah.

Hello?

C-3PO, where are you?

C-3PO?

This is my idea of hold.

I mean, I thought he'd, you know, at least have the phone.

Hello?

Sir?

Yeah, hello.

Okay, so did, are you still talking to your uncle and your brother?

Yeah, I don't know where he went.

He said he was going to check the elevator, and my brother's still up there, and he hasn't come back.

Did the guy climb up there with him?

I think he went to go check to see which one he's in because we don't know what he's in.

Yeah, well, there's a problem, though, because my brother, he lost his arm during the war, and he has severe pain.

And he is in need of smoking a marijuana cigarette.

He has his medical marijuana card, and he wants permission to be able to smoke marijuana up there.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and transfer you to the security guard.

He's trying to figure out where the second kid is.

Oh, okay. So where is he?

He's at the Holiday Inn in LAX, right?

Where is he? He needs help. He has the marijuana. He needs to smoke it.

I've got to get out of here.

What's your brother's name?

His name is...

Doc.

Yeah, Doc.

Doc Curry.

He goes by Doc.

Our last name is Brown.

You still there?

Give me one second, yeah.

Okay.

Excuse me, ma'am, is that you or is that the elevator music?

That's here.

Oh, it's the elevator, okay.

Turn it off.

I take it.

Did you just cut the wire for the elevator music, brother?

Sure, this should open for reading.

Oh, ma'am, are you still there?

I'm silent in the hall.

Hello?

Okay, hello?

Yeah, who is this now?

Yeah, this is the security officer again.

Hey, boy.

Did you find him?

no what hotel is he in he said he's at this hotel he gave me the number and then i looked it up

um okay does he know the name of the hotel because i've checked the elevator and there's

nobody's in the elevator brother what's what's the name well he's not in he's not in the other

he's on top of it oh he's on the roof he's on the top yeah he pushed the roof access panel

and he climbed up top all right okay how are you gonna check that you fucking get him here

no one will ever guess where i got those two sound drops for those are some sound clips i

forgot for this show hello ma'am are you there imperial handled handled this uh much more

urgently than these fuckers hello do i have work here you know listen you people need to hurry up

he said he has to pee shit's what i got hello i'm glad they only own a fucking corded phone

Boom, that's fantastic.

What the devil was that?

Bobby?

Bobby.

Name her Bobby.

Lousy sound.

Hello?

Anybody can be, hello?

Perfect.

Now he's just coming back.

I may be shutting him off.

Wait, what am I gonna do, boy?

I don't know, hello?

Maybe call him back, I don't know.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

I thought that was it.

You bitch, you bitch, motherfucker.

Thank you for calling the Holiday Inn.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

Some penis.

What was it, eight?

Three toes.

hoes good evening this is tammy speaking hey tammy listen i was talking to security they're

looking for my brother yes he's actually upstairs trying to find him sir yeah he said he heard him

but we can't communicate with him if he doesn't have the phone well let me let me see what's

going on with my security see if he actually found him yeah listen he said he said yeah i can

hear him but uh i can't communicate because you know he doesn't have the phone does he have a

walkie-talkie yeah well we're trying to communicate that he can hear him but he can't say anything

because he's not on the phone maybe he's stupid the security is on it he's on the radio he's not

on the phone so what would they transfer this onto the phone he said he was going to go check

but then he put us on hold and we don't hear him well hold on let me let me find out what the

okay yeah radio into him hold on please yeah please she doesn't want to listen to me at all

no attitude problem okay i hope they get you out of there before you gotta before you gotta hit

that listen ma'am he's diabetic and when his sugars get like this he has to use the bathroom

i get gassy it sounds like a deer farted up here sir yeah hello yes sir my security guard is on the

the roof all over the roof he's on the roof you said or what did you say to your i said he my

brother is on the the roof of the elevator not on the roof of the hotel well that's impossible for

him to do that oh no ma'am he went in the elevator and pushed the he pushed the panel and climbed on

the top of the elevator did he tell you that he did this sir yeah and i explained that to security

I don't know what he's doing on the roof of the hotel.

Well, I'm going to go check myself.

You're going to go check?

How is this happening?

Because I've been 20 minutes now.

Tell her to check her pussy.

Hold on.

Just kidding.

No, come on.

Don't talk to her like that.

She's trying to help you.

She steals stuff and puts it in her pussy.

Please stay on the line, ma'am.

Don't leave us just guessing what's going on here.

Yeah, man.

Deer farts the best.

So you did get to see it.

You enjoyed it?

I did.

Yeah.

I want to get the scent, you know, for when we go hunting again,

if these bitches can get you off that elevator.

I'm going to get by some liquid ass.

That's the only way they don't know we're coming.

Put some liquid ass on, right?

Mm-hmm.

Ma'am?

They keep putting us on hold.

We need to communicate.

Open up the lines of communication.

Okay, sir?

Yeah.

Hi, hi, sorry, you were on hold.

I actually have my manager and the security guard

trying to check all the elevators we have here

to see if we find him, but we don't.

do they have do they have access to look on the roof of the elevator not the roof of the hotel

not in the elevator but on the top of the elevator yeah that's what he's gonna check

we didn't see any panels open in there can i get well he closed them after he went up

okay okay okay give me he said he told me he's gonna stay the night there he said he had a pillow

and a blanket and he was just gonna he said that the the sound of the motor was soothing he was

was gonna sleep up there and he was gonna go he's gonna go nighty-night a pillow and a blanket he

said he had a pillow and a blanket he was a vet and he has it in the backpack and he has one of

them rolls and so he said he was just gonna go up there because he had nowhere else to stay and it

was you know kind of you know it was kind of bad weather so he's gonna climb up there and he's

gonna roll it out and he's just gonna sleep for the night yeah we just don't see how it's possible

how he would how he would do that so which he has military training that's all i have to say i

What hotel is it, sir?

Hey, brother, are you still there?

Yeah.

What hotel is it?

The Bellagio.

That's Vegas.

Yeah.

He's in Las Vegas.

Yeah.

He's in Vegas?

Yeah.

The Bellagio's in Vegas.

I said I was in L.A., Las Vegas.

I said.

You asked me where was I.

I said L.A., Las Vegas.

That's where I'm at.

So this isn't the Bellagio?

No, this is California.

I'm in Las Vegas, California.

L.A.

This is Holiday Inn.

oh no he says it's in las vegas california la yeah or what is it los santos i don't know what's

it called he said this is in los santos whatever this is you're calling los angeles you're calling

the holiday inn this is like san diego san francisco san angeles i don't know he doesn't

really know where he's at well why would i know you know i don't have time for that

bullshit he wants to know if it's okay like should he put some of his like his t-shirt in the gears

Will that stop the elevator?

Give me one second.

Okay.

Sir?

Yeah?

We have checked our elevators.

There's nothing going on with the elevators.

No one can lift up panels on all of our elevators.

Are you sure it needs a holiday in LAX?

I can't.

He said he did.

Well, sir.

I can do 119 pull-ups in 60 seconds.

Is he being coherent to tell you enough where he is?

Well, he's got to tell the Cessna woman what you were saying to me.

All right, yeah.

Sir, there's nobody on, nobody can get on the roof of our elevator.

Is there someone that speaks English?

I have to check myself as well.

He's trying to talk to you, ma'am.

There's like an African accent.

Is there someone who speaks English?

Sir, I don't have an African accent.

Well, you sound ethnic.

I don't have any, I am ethnic or not, sir.

Your brother is not in any of our elevators that we can see him.

So what I need to do, if he is, I'm going to have to call the police.

No, I'm in the elevator.

And have them come out as well.

Because, you know, this is just beyond anything that we should be trying to handle.

Oh, honey, come on.

Don't be like that, honey.

If he is, please, I'm going to call the police so they can come out and look.

Look, I can come back down.

Do you guys want me to come back down?

Is that what you want?

Do you want me to come back down?

Sir.

Yeah.

Listen, we're running a business here, and you're holding us up.

Do you want me to come back down?

Is that what you want?

And we'll talk about it.

Okay, you need to come back down to the lobby.

Okay, and are you going to be there? Who are you, the black man?

I will be here, sir.

Can I have a neutral white party to represent me?

What hotel are you in, sir?

Well, it seems like a lot of schvatzes here, if you know what I mean.

A lot of what?

Schvatzes.

Yeah, you're at the wrong hotel, sir. This is not the hotel you're at.

Ah, well, yeah, shit.

Yeah, so I'm sorry.

Don't talk to my brother like that. He's a vet. He was in Vietnam.

I understand that, but, you know, your brother's been drinking and he hasn't been correctly with you.

Listen, I said I'm in, I told you guys I'm in L.A., Las Vegas, California.

No, this is, this is Los Angeles, California.

Exactly, L.A.

Las Vegas, this is not Las Vegas, sir.

Las, yes, exactly.

So, listen, I'm going to hang up now.

Listen, you're parting hairs, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, it's all California.

I'm here in town.

that was

fucky

yeah it was

wow

that was crazy

I hate to say it

but I think

I'm just about done

yeah it's past

3 in the morning

we've been on

for about

over 2 hours

have we really

let me look at that time

yeah

yeah look at that

shit man

yeah

2 minutes

2 hours 5 minutes

alright thanks Dwight

this was fun man

yeah it was fun

thanks

alright buddy

have a good night

I'll talk to you

next weekend

see you tomorrow

hopefully

alright cool

bye

cut him off before he could curse me

before he cursed me

show him

yeah

anyway so yeah look man the weekend is upon us

that means prank call shows galore

the man who was just on the air

with me now who was co-hosting

Tony's show with me Dwight

he'll be on tomorrow night

at 10pm eastern

7pm pacific

and we may or may not hear from

Neon who does a show

following that usually

Usually around 1 o'clock in the morning Eastern, 10 p.m. Pacific until late.

But I haven't heard from her whether or not she's going to be going on this weekend.

She's having some voice.

She's needing to rest her voice, I understand.

That Saturday's lineup.

Sunday will be my show, my regular night, 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific, Madhouse Radio.

My site is madhouselife.com.

everyone else on the network

prankpollination.com

thank you for tuning in tonight

what else can I say

love you guys

have a fit on me

and I'll catch you on Sunday

bye

fuck you

Calls (16, 1 h 12 min of 1 h 56 min)

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