I Have AIDS

why are you laughing bitch yeah right i have aids you motherfucker bitch

shut up you idiot i'm talking shut up you still talking you why would you interrupt me how dare

you i'm not playing no fucking game i i fuck you send up a bitch stop making a stupid call

you're out of your crazy mind you ain't getting no goddamn dollars i'll fuck you all night long

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

There was a little boy in school, and while he was in school, the teacher looked at him and said,

Young man, what is the most important thing in the world to you?

He said, fuck.

She said, what?

Fuck.

He said, fuck.

Yeah, stupid people.

I'm Carlito, the host of the show.

I started talking too early.

I'm supposed to start talking right now.

Hey, stupid people.

Carlito's here.

It's Madhouse Radio.

Yeah.

Chance has a zipper.

Take your zipper and go up and down on it really, really, really fast, right?

That's how you applaud on this show.

With me here is Jin Stewart.

Jin, yay!

Yay!

Hi, everybody.

I can hear your butt back, you mean.

Everything's okay?

Everything's good, man.

Everything's good.

Shin Sen Gummy Hakata Ramen.

Are you a ramen fan?

You're very into Japanese and hentai and anime?

Yeah.

Into anime?

No, fuck off.

You like Japanese culture, don't you?

Shit, I like bonsai.

You like ramen noodles?

Good ramen.

It's okay.

They're so Japanese, they don't know how to answer the phone.

Anyway, so we're doing a show tonight here where prank calls, hopefully, if they answer.

Not like that last number that didn't answer.

But I'm trying to call back and the thing won't go through.

What was it?

The ramen hotline?

Ramen.

It's some kind of ramen noodle outfit that's supposed to be open until later tonight.

Really?

Oh, well.

I'm looking around.

See what it's called.

All right, here's a seafood restaurant.

I'm actually allergic to like shellfish like prawn scampi and all this kind of stuff. Makes me violently sick.

Hi, this is like Hitchy Ralphs.

Hi, this is Mahi.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey. How many seafood shells do you have there?

A lot.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Have tuna?

We don't have tuna.

Do you have trouser seafood? Trouser fish?

No.

Or dress fish? Panty fish? No?

No.

Nothing like that.

Listen, so my friend Jen, he came here from England by way of Scotland,

and he's allergic to seafood, you know?

Okay.

To shellfish.

He can't have prawns, as he calls them.

I think those are shrimp.

Yeah.

So I want you to fucking make sure that none of that fucking shit hits any table surfaces

where he's going to be fucking eating when I fucking come in there, all right?

It's your choice.

Yeah, motherfucker, because he gets fucking violently sick, he says.

Jen, how do you get his...

You have to watch out.

I get...

Hey, hello.

Hello, lady. I get violently sick, so it's not allowed for me to have, you know, prawns and things like that, because what happened last time I had a prawn, right, what happened is I ate it, and inside it exploded into my stomach, and lots of little prawns evolved.

But before you guys ate, did you guys mention that you're allergic for seafood?

No, no, I'm telling you now. That's why we're calling, because I have, like, because we want to come in, but you see, I have the allergy.

Just don't come.

What?

Just don't come.

What kind of shit is that?

How can you make business by telling someone don't come?

I don't come.

How do you make any money if I don't come?

One second.

Yeah.

Someone mean's going to get it.

She's going to get the manager.

I'm going to screw with him.

Hello.

Hello, yeah, how are you?

Yeah.

This is Mr. Stewart.

I'm a multi-billionaire, and I'm coming into your restaurant,

and I'm calling in advance because I want to let you know that I have a seafood allergy

against prawn and scampi and you know crustaceans station yeah the crustacean the station of the

crust and i'm allergic to that so um i need to make sure that ahead of the time that everybody

is prepared i want the tables prepared i want the waiters prepared and if there's any sense of prawn

or scampi or anything like that i'm gonna be i'm gonna be pissed off do you understand and i'm gonna

feed it to somebody do you understand no so you don't come because we basically we we excuse me

excuse me how how can you say don't come i'm trying to make a booking for food so i can come

in and eat you have okay you're telling me don't come what kind of what kind of business are you

if you tell someone don't come look it's my friend who's coming and he might not know because he's

visiting from out of overseas yeah and i i've got my own little island as well but it's you

It's illegal for you to not accept them.

He doesn't know that.

You know what?

I have no idea because...

You need to have a clean station there that he can use.

It must be prepared.

Everything must be cleaned with lasers.

You have to scrub everything with lasers.

I don't understand because we don't do it here like that.

Listen to me.

You can stop buying.

You can ask your friend to stop buying and check it out

because I don't really understand what you want or what you like.

Fucking asshole.

Asshole.

Okay, that's fine. It's okay. No worries. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Asshole.

I had to curse, but...

I had to ruin it with the cursing.

That's interesting for the first prank call I've done in like a year.

Yeah. Good work. That was not bad.

I like that she was getting ready to tear into me for cursing.

I was like, I don't want you getting any motherfucking shit.

You have to build him up.

You have to get him, like, to actually convince him that you're serious.

And then fuck with him because then he's gonna be like,

Like, what the fuck do you mean?

You're wasting my time, you cunt.

She was already saying, you need to watch your mouth to me.

I had to really take it over.

Oh, that was funny.

We're calling the Hustler Casino.

Hi, how may I help you?

Yeah, hey, this is the Hustler Casino, right?

It's Larry Flint's kind of place, right?

It's Larry Flint's, yes.

Yeah, you got a lot of drawings, like naked people drawings there?

None of that.

We're just a casino.

So no strip club, no porn, none of that.

We are just strictly casino card games, and we also have a bar and grill upstairs.

But it's the Hustler Casino, though, right?

It is the Hustler Casino?

We're called, yes, that's correct.

So you'll, for example, you'll take your clothes off for a little bit extra money.

We'll go to a private lounge, right?

None of that.

No.

We're not a strip club.

We're not porno.

We're not hookers, prostitutes.

It's a really nice upscale casino.

Look us up online.

I was going to say this.

Look us up online.

Because you sound really old, you know?

I didn't think you'd be really.

No, I'm not.

I'm not old, and it doesn't matter.

We have all ages here.

You sound pretty old yourself.

No, I'm not.

Are you?

No, I'm a man.

Silly.

Look, you know I have color ID.

Do you still get your menstruation?

I have color ID.

You're calling me from 2-1-4.

You want me to keep going?

I will report you.

Get off my phone, dummy.

Say the whole thing.

She's brilliant.

Oh, my God.

Call her back.

All right.

why have a hustler casino if you can't see what do you want well actually hello yeah a friend of

mine just called you a second ago actually um because he wanted to come in and visit but see

i want to make a little bit special so i want to get a few just i know you don't do like strippers

and stuff but do you think maybe if i put a little bit extra like if i how much money do you think it

would take to you know just get a few girls in there you know get tits out that sort of stuff

huh what did you not understand what i said okay what do you um this security how can i help you

yeah how much money right how many dollars do i have to pay you to get your titties out

while i'm gambling like while i'm playing the dice i want to see a few boobs do you know i mean

all right hold on a second i'll attempt for somebody to help you out with that

yeah yeah cool yeah yeah the first lady transferred to miller you're talking

good oh shit the other one picked up he's like what yeah that's all yeah yeah what a restaurant

hello what are you looking for yeah yeah i'm looking for boobs mate i want to come in there

do some gambling get a few boobs do you know i mean because boobs are good luck if you squeeze

a boob while you're throwing a dice you're gonna get you're gonna win every time guaranteed it

works for me and that is exactly what i want to do i want to come in there and do that so

So how do I make that happen?

Okay, hold on.

Let me get you some from any of you.

How many fucking people do I need to talk to?

Jesus.

Counting my American dollars.

Big American dollars.

One dollar, two dollars, billion.

What the fuck are they doing there?

California Games, this is Han.

Yeah, hello.

What's your name?

My name is Han.

Hello, Han.

I'm Jin.

Listen, I want to come in.

i don't know who to talk to i want to come in but i got a request so i don't know like your

colleagues have been just sort of fucking transferring me backwards and forwards and

shit you know i mean i just want to talk to somebody get something working i want to come

in tonight do you understand okay right so when i come in you know you've got the craps when you

throw the dice uh we don't have craps right well i want to play craps so that's the first thing

right so you've got to make that work somehow how much wait a minute how many dollars do i have to

to pay you to make that work uh there's there's not a price that you can lay down that i can make

that happen but what do you mean i've got i've got a million dollars if i if i give you a hundred

thousand you're gonna say yes unfortunately i cannot what the fuck kind of shit is that mate

honestly a hundred thousand fucking dollars and you're telling me you wouldn't do it

i unfortunately i can't i think you're a stupid cunt then aren't you okay yeah why would you

not take a hundred grand and make that work all i'm saying is i want to come in and throw a dice

that's it and maybe squeeze some boobs squeeze some what boobs tits you know boobies uh

you got the wrong establishment here yeah but i went but maybe i'll just squeeze your boobies if

i can i do that maybe while i'm playing blackjack i can just like twist a nipple a little bit play

play a card you know okay sir uh we don't have crafts if you like to play blackjack you can come

on in okay i want to play fucking crabs i told you that and i've got loads of money so you know

make it work are you the boss or what unfortunately we do not provide that game here i don't give a

fuck okay i'm telling you i've got loads of money and i want it to work okay do you understand

unfortunately like i said hon listen i've got that game here anything can happen when you've

got the money not this not this time yeah no this time i want you are you not the boss give me the

boss hold on yeah he's getting a boss i'm fucking fucking hope he's a nice lady fucking kind of

casino doesn't have crabs crabs what the fuck is it called craps craps thing with the fucking dice

i've got two dice that's all i need i say crabs we're talking about a fucking std you're a cunt

i don't think he's getting anyone all right i killed it hey milkman milkman's here

Yeah, all right, what's going on, everybody?

Gene Stewart in the house!

Yeah, I like the funk.

God bless the Gene Stewart, man.

Good to hear you, my son, man.

Been missing you, my brother.

Much love to you.

Love you, too, man.

Aw, you, too.

He's back from the Olympics, everybody.

We love him, and he's here tonight.

So catch him while you can.

He's got a gold medal.

Are we going to go back to this fucking archery shit?

I'm gonna go

Come on

Alright

Peace

Gentle fucking leave

will be good soon

Jake

They already started

this shit in the chat room

They were like

Yeah how's your archery

Are you doing well

Find any fucking arrows today

Fucking Cupid

Because you had a big

falling out

with the fucking team

because you sucked

at the

He said

to hell with badminton

and became the archer

gold medal archer

of the UK

Oh dear

Milkman how's work going

Hey dude

I'm doing

I'm doing good man

I'm keeping busy

It is hell, man. I got all kinds of cool customers. It's nice and laid back.

Chill, baby. Chill, my son.

Smoked some weed in the taxi.

In that casino-backed gym. Yeah.

Yeah, you want me to do it? All right.

Yeah, see if she remembers you.

Sorry, good. I could change the caller ID, too. It's no problem.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, yeah, how you doing?

Fuck.

Yeah, that's brilliant.

All right.

Yeah, how are you? Yeah, fuck off.

All right, let me see if this bowling alley's open.

Any bowling over there in the UK?

Bowling? Yeah, I like bowling. I like temping bowling.

Yeah, 10 pounds.

Hello, Benita Ball.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

Good.

How much you charge for balling with bumpers?

$5 a game and $3 for shoes per person.

We don't charge anything extra for bumpers.

How much?

So it's the same price for bumpers with no bumpers?

Mm-hmm.

That's not fair.

I'm not going to use the bumpers.

I don't need that.

You can take that off.

Yeah, you don't have to use them.

Well, no, you can take it off the price then.

And no, we don't charge for bumpers.

You can take those shoes off, too.

I have shoes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can take those shoes off there.

I don't need that.

Mm-hmm.

What else does that include?

That's it.

How many pins does that come with?

Ten.

All right, well, we could take about five of those off.

I can just use five.

You got it.

You can take that off.

All right.

All right, and then what kind of surface am I pulling?

I'm not sure.

It's like a wood grain surface, probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can go ahead and take that off.

All right.

And then the ball comes back automatically.

Yeah, you can turn that off.

I'll go get it and bring it back.

You got it.

Here's my friend, Jen.

He's got some crazy requests, too.

He's from some other country.

All right.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

I wanted to know, because we're coming in, you see,

and I wanted to know if there's a possibility of all of us to play naked.

No.

Why?

Nope.

Nudie Bo.

I should take advantage of this because actually recently, I don't know if it was like a couple of days ago or something, in Ireland, they legalized gay marriages or something.

So it was like a big deal.

I hear that. Yeah, yesterday. Congratulations.

It was yesterday, right? Well, I'm not gay. Just saying. I can pretend to be gay.

That's fine. It's okay to be a gay.

There are some handsome men out there.

Do you think you could say you're from the corporate office and you need a gas station to flip their breakers?

What?

Do you know what power breakers are?

Do you have those in England?

What the hell is a power breaker?

How do you get your energy?

How does the energy go in the house?

I don't know.

It comes from under the ground with a big cable.

I guess there's a big loom that supplies the whole area, I guess.

A big loom?

You like that, loom.

I don't know.

It's just a big thing that goes into the...

And then you've got like a meter.

That's it.

All right.

do you know where the power brick the switches are for the fuses do you know what's that yeah

yeah i know i know i know where that is yeah what do you call that uh mains a mains box the mains

box okay so either that or uh um no i just yeah yeah i mean you're right no i don't know if you

would call it that i don't know yeah well it's where the you can go in and flip the switches

to turn off yeah exactly you can control shit yeah like like you know like you did at that

indian restaurant remember well that was funny as fuck wasn't it because i i had the guy

playing with his uh sign lights the neon sign lights on off on off he's counting them down like

yeah yeah and he's like number one switch is off number five is off and then at the end oh my god

i can't fucking swear because i got the young people sitting next to me and then uh he says

that uh well later on ted offers him like a really small amount of compensation yeah

i'll give you one dollar compensation

compensation would be five pounds something yeah oh good times good times all right so what are

you saying you want to do that yes yes at a gas station this is a petrol station right but how's

that gonna work you just tell them you're calling from the mobile you're gonna tell them you're from

the mobile corporate office and the mobile mobile yeah m-o-b-i-l mobile mobile yeah and so okay so

So I say I'm from Mobile, and we're doing a what?

A power cut?

We're doing a test of the power because the trans...

Okay, so something's overpowering.

There seems to be a lot of power going into...

Oh, and it's a petrol station.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, I've got an idea.

Let's try it.

Yeah, you can say...

Well, I can set it.

Let me try to set it up for you.

Well, listen, this is a good idea.

What you need to do is tell him that there's a risk, that there's a safety risk.

So there's a danger or something, right?

So tell him that there seems to be a lot of power going into the station.

I can be the technician, if you like, and explain that.

Well, we usually tell him that the transaction is back.

But if there's a danger, he'll cut it off.

All right, we can do that.

The corporate office in London.

We should be calling BP and gas stations.

Are you starting this?

Yeah.

Well, you go ahead.

You try to go.

We should find BP, right, Milkman?

Because it would be British Patrol.

We're sorry.

The corporate office in London.

did that oh shit yeah corporate office is alone at three o'clock in the morning yeah nope maybe

they're all closed i don't know i'm just gonna call whoever you know the thing is with petrol

stations the chances are they're probably serving someone they're gonna pick up the phone because

they've only got one clerk possibly oh normally when i go to the well actually i normally pay

with a card anyway so if i ever go inside it's gonna be just one clerk and i've had it before

where their phone's been ringing and they've just let it ring because they're serving people

Which is a bit shit

True enough

But anyway

I'm going to keep looking here

See if I can find anything open at McDonald's

That's a possibility

It seems very unlikely that McDonald's would actually

Because they probably get so many prank calls

Yeah and they're probably not going to understand

To be honest with you

In California they're going to be like

You're not going to try that with an American accent

Hello Jim Stewart

Hey how you doing

I'm Jim Stewart and I'm from California

That's right

How have you been? I haven't talked to you forever. How have you been?

I know, man. It's so awesome. I'm good.

How's the family doing? Good? Well?

Yeah, man. My family is awesome. How is your family?

How's your family?

Quite well.

Okay.

Thank you for asking.

That's good, man. That's good. What are you doing? What do you do now?

Right now, I'm driving taxi and I'm loafing. I'm not doing anything.

I'm just sitting here on the mountain looking at the ocean, talking bullshit with a couple of my friends.

Fucking awesome. You've got the ocean in front of you.

Ocean job. Yeah, man.

Yeah.

hey um jen i'm sorry yeah the richard hood in in uh san francisco is called pacific heights

and i'm looking over top i know i know of this place i know this place actually my girlfriend

is in baltimore at the moment she might be listening to the show i told her that i was

my wife was in baltimore today is she and my and my nephews i was supposed to be in baltimore

today but i have a broken foot i can't be there you know who's from baltimore everybody everybody

everybody remember mavens from baltimore mavens from baltimore you're right my sexy girlfriend

maven hey um there's a jack-in-the-box it's it's this is a fast food restaurant chain we can try

it with them okay okay all right but you have to sell this i will start this jack-in-the-box

shit man yeah some burgers and tacos yeah two tacos for a dollar how much meat

they're supposed to be open

church is chicken

supposed to be open

probably gonna be American

it's a shit bro

it's on the same block as the KFC

they must have some fights

oh dude this is in Compton

I'm calling Compton Boulevard

I was calling from the shelter

yeah this is on the corner of South Central Avenue

and West Compton Boulevard

I just realized

oh shit

All right, I'll try the KFC there.

My favorite one, the phone rings.

How much percentage of the show is just phone rings?

How much I edit out.

Didn't give you any Indian restaurants tonight?

Nothing yet.

I don't think so.

You can always find them easily.

We should try it.

We should get an Indian.

I think Ali.

24-hour Indian restaurant.

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's so exciting.

All right, let me try this.

24-hour sets.

Yeah, 24-hour bullshit.

shit don't worry there's fuck is happening here i don't know don't worry there's more

dying we're dying here you're killing us hey get the lonesome loser man i can't just make him up

here he's not on he's not in the house oh there's a comeback since ams left to go to the

thank you for calling gandhi this is crystal how may i help you hello what hello hello yeah how

are you good how are you i'm okay what did you say what's your name this is gandhi my name's

crystal gandhi yeah listen my name is mr stewart i'm from you uh the food network you know the food

network yeah we're doing ratings so we want to rate your food okay yeah so can i talk to the chef

no not right now we have it's memorial weekend what does that mean so that means we're extremely

busy uh yeah but this is the perfect opportunity you see because we have a lot of traffic we we

We have roughly 200,000 hits a day on the website, and now people are using the app as well.

So, you know, it could be very good for business if we could just write a small article about the ingredients you're using and how the chef is doing it, etc., etc.

Okay, well, I would recommend you to call back on Tuesday.

No, no, that's not good for me.

I have to do the article today.

Now I have to do it in the next 20 minutes.

No, we have two parties.

I'm sorry.

I have two parties.

I'm doing a catering for 180 people, and my restaurant is full.

how can you hang on a second wait you just said you're doing a party how can you be party at the

same time you're serving 180 people why why would you do that because i have a separate room that

we're doing it in i'm sorry thank you for your time have a good day no wait what hello

Damn.

Okay.

That was fucking rude.

She was really rude.

I didn't even get a chance to get into that.

She was rather uppity.

I'll call somewhere else.

She was very uppity.

Gandhi.

This is Gandhi.

Now call back and tell her you're going to give a negative review.

Yeah, no, that's exactly what I wanted.

This is a different one.

Talk to Bill, he's got a better review from you.

This is a different one.

Hello, yeah, how are you?

Good, how are you, sir?

I'm excellent.

I'm Mr. Stewart from the Food Network.

How are you doing?

Good, good.

Yeah, listen, we're writing a review on your restaurant,

and i was there yesterday and i was testing the food you know i'm a food critic you know what that

is hold on one minute yeah yeah hello hello yeah how are you good good yeah yeah what's your name

you okay yeah okay i'm mr stewart i'm writing a review on your on your establishment there i'm

from the food network you know we get like a hundred thousand uh visitors a day on the website

yeah yeah so we're going to write a little review about you but i wanted to

To see if I get this information correctly about the naan bread, etc.

What?

What do you mean, what?

Pay attention, you idiot.

I said I want to write a review.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

So I'm going to say, the following is what I'm going to say.

Are you ready?

Are you listening?

Yeah.

The food is absolutely shit.

The waiters are bastards.

The mothers of the waiters were whores.

And it's just terrible.

Okay?

Okay.

That's what I'm writing.

Okay.

Go ahead.

How do you feel about that?

Very good.

But yeah, are you stupid or something?

Motherfucker, you stupid.

You motherfucker, you idiot. What do you mean?

You motherfucker, idiot.

Your mother is a fucker.

Why are you talking to me like that?

You bloody idiot.

Dude!

Listen, gandu.

You bitch.

You gandu, you.

Your mother is a gandu.

You gandu.

Gandu.

Why are you making funny noise, you idiot?

Yeah.

You sound like an idiot.

You sound like an owl.

Ulu.

Ulu kapata.

Naan chod.

Madarchod.

Naan chod.

you stupid idiot

I'm gonna write it into the review

you cunt

let me talk to your brother

what

shut up you idiot

stop making noise

you motherfucker

that was awesome

your mother's world

the review was awesome

they're bastards

that day was

Noises did you hear making horse noises you're making a horsey noise

Okay, horsey cat that motherfucker was making horse noise

Okay, give me a second looking for more three three two zero

People are gonna know where you're going to give you a negative review

um this place appears to be open still here mantra what is it mantra masala mantra masala

thank you for calling this is me we can help you hi yeah what what do you say name was

mantra masala yeah no your name what's your name oh maggie maggie right maggie listen i'm jinn

and i'm i'm from the food network we're a big website we got like a hundred thousand viewers

was a day and we're watching a review on your restaurant okay yeah so is there someone i can

talk to actually yeah i'm a little busy right now no no no no no it's not this is very important

you can get lots of people coming in if we write a review but i need to talk to somebody just to

confirm the review so that i can get the approval from you yes but actually the owner is not here

and demand so who's the decision maker because it needs to go live in sort of the next 10 minutes

Well, I'm sorry.

I can not help you with that.

Well, that's a bit shit, isn't it?

Yeah.

Why can't you help me?

Are you stupid or what?

Sorry?

I said, are you stupid?

What are you talking about?

I'm trying to get you to approve my review.

She's stupid.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to call her back.

Yeah, don't call her stupid.

Hello, Maggie?

I think we got disconnected.

Hello.

Just don't call me stupid.

I'm not.

I'm pretty decent I'm the only one here okay the manager is you have to do right I'm gonna read

the review to you and you just say yes or no that it's okay okay okay right here we go the restaurant

is absolutely shit it's fucking smelly it stinks there's piss everywhere the fucking

waiters are a bunch of wankers they're all fucking stupid cunts and the whole fucking

bloody disaster

I don't know if you ever heard me do

where I read negative Yelp reviews back to

restaurants

that's such a great idea

I was in there or something

I just read it and last week one guy was like

man you're reading our Yelp reviews

I know you are it's kind of funny but I'm busy

more India this is the India oven

I don't think we may have

you want to do it again

Yeah, yeah.

India, I'm at a restaurant. How may I assist you?

Yes, hello. My name is Mr. Stewart. I'm from the Food Network, and we're writing a review on your restaurant.

Okay.

I need to confirm the review with somebody. Is there somebody senior that I can speak to?

I'd like to read the review out and just get a general approval of the review before I publish it.

They are actually not here, actually. They went for the catering.

Well, see, the problem is, you see, I have to publish this in the next sort of 10 minutes,

and it's just a very simple review, just a few lines,

and we get about 100,000 visitors, you know, unique visitors a day.

So, I mean, it could help you, but it might not, you know.

Right, but I'm not an authorized person to give you that authority.

I need to do this in the next 10 minutes, so if you could just say yes or no.

I'll just give you the basic gist of the review

and you can just say if you like it or not.

If you like it, you know, I'm sure your manager will be happy if you said yes, that's fine

because, you know, you're getting more money in business, right?

Right, but sir, at the same time, I told you that I'm not authorized person to make that decision and I cannot reach them in the next 10 minutes.

What's your name?

My name is Ulzan.

Ulzan?

Yeah.

What kind of a stupid name is that?

What kind of stupid name you want to heard?

Well, I thought perhaps you could give me a normal name like James or Harry.

What the hell is Uzvalbalaid?

What the hell is that?

What kind of parents would call you that?

Are they stupid, your parents?

No, your parents are motherfuckers.

They are stupid.

I think your mother is stupid.

I had to laugh.

Sorry.

I cannot hold it.

Oh, my God.

You feel bad, motherfucker.

Hello?

He might have hung this right up.

One last time.

Left it off the hook now.

Good times.

So many caterings in Las Vegas today.

there's a kebab place oh yeah that sounds good yeah this place is getting they're not always

indian a lot of times that's okay whoever is is gonna get pissed off when i deal with them in a

minute kebab kebab place owners are usually angry men stuck in the same small place all day they're

gonna be pissed off they're ready to explode they're primed thank you for calling first

oh it's a lady hello how are you doing good yeah um is there not a gentleman there that i can speak

to you well he's not here right now all right okay well uh what's your role there what do you do

hello what what yeah what's your job what why why do you pick up the phone cashier uh yeah okay

oh you're cashier right okay well listen cashier i um i have a complaint to make you know about the

kebabs the quality uh i was sick i was very sick so i need to sort of talk to somebody about that

it's like food poisoning so you know i might sue you well like uh you want uh what can give you

the number of my boss yeah yeah give me your boss no no don't give me a but i just want to

complain that's all i just want to yeah give me your boss's number give it to me give it to me

what is it okay is what's his name uh hamid hamid all right we're gonna call hamid um what was your

name uh guadalupe what guadalupe guadalupe okay what the fuck kind of name is that okay thank you

bye fuck you stupid all right here we go i gotta do it quick before other people start

down yeah yeah yeah have you got it yeah here it is all right what's his name oh i've forgotten

already hamid hamid what was her name guadalupe hello hello hamid yeah yeah this is uh guadalupe's

boyfriend how are you yeah hi how are you yeah i'm good man listen i heard that you touched her

inappropriately what the fuck is that man what are you talking about i you touched my girlfriend

friend man you did guadalupe you touched her why did you do that when was this she said that you

touched her today that's that's totally wrong no man that's not wrong i'm really angry with you

right now i know where you are and i'm coming with my friends we're gonna come there you know

we're gonna talk face to face i think i just wanted to hear you on the phone just to see what

you say but you're denying it which means you probably touched her didn't you you day pass

So why did you touch her?

I think you're you're just kidding kidding me. I'm not fine. I will fucking kid you when I get there

You can't listen. Why did you touch her? What are you paying? Yeah

You don't sound like like her uh, boyfriend, what do you mean?

Listen to me

Don't try and change the subject. Okay, you touched her inappropriately and i'm i'm pissed off with you

stop getting around okay you're like listen i'm gonna come in front of you and then we're gonna

talk okay i'm gonna you know i'll be angry with you okay be angry with me well why the fuck listen

to me you can't why did you do that we never you're totally lying and she's totally lying

you fucking liar you can't why the fuck would you do that you dirty pig why would you do it

what are you talking about okay this must be a prank you would deny it obviously you're not

not gonna say yeah yeah i did it i touched her why this is what i want to know prank call prank call

who's prank calling you're prank calling fucking prank calling you cunt i'm talking about my

girlfriend you touched her and it's not going to be fucking funny when i get there okay all right

yeah i'm gonna touch you okay do it where can i touch you anywhere you want to can i touch like

like on the back fucking stupid shut up man fuck yourself you motherfucker fuck you mother

you can't dude i have things to do by the way this is not fine you'd like touching you'd like

touching people shut the hell up you shut the hell up i'll talk to you later fuck off shut up

shut the fuck up you can't you fuck off put the phone down

I'm calling the place back using

That was a good one, man

I'm calling the restaurant back using his number

Which restaurant?

The one that we called where she was working

Oh, where Guatemala was

I don't know her fucking name

She didn't like puta madre

Oh, she's Spanish

Yeah, because she said fuck you

When I said puta madre to her

That's why he was like

Like, you don't sound...

Baby.

Or darling or something.

Bebe.

In Spanish, how do I say it?

Yeah, like bebe.

Thank you for calling First Cup Up.

Hola, baby.

This is Mr. Stewart.

How are you doing?

Good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just spoke to Hamid, you know?

He told me to go fuck yourself.

She probably thought it was him too.

That's funny.

You know what's going to be interesting is how this is going to pan out when he actually goes to see her.

Yeah.

This is going to be a weird conversation.

Yeah.

Some guy called and said he's your boyfriend, and I touched him.

I don't have no boyfriend, man.

I never touched you, right?

Oh, shit.

Okay, Milkman, are you still with us, or are you with a customer?

Yeah, a customer.

Yes, I'm here. I'm on mute.

I'm not with the customer at the moment.

I'm on my way looking for one.

Oh, yeah, go get him.

I'd like to hail your cab, Milkman.

Oh, man, I'd love it, dude.

Send me to the Heathrow there and bring about 50 other cabs, man.

We'll all meet you there.

all right here's a person who had is having a garage sale old soda pop bottles blue ball mason

and atlas jars some with glass lids a microwave washer copper water line coolers and miscellaneous

sounds like a bunch of shit well what's he doing he's getting rid of all this you just sell it

it's a it's like a house sale i think what the fuck like a like a yacht yeah you know people

They come in your house and you give them tea.

I don't know what to say anymore.

You give them tea when they come in.

Oh, my God.

You should try to sell him his shit.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you having a yard sale?

A garage sale.

A garage sale?

What kind of shit you got left?

We still got a bunch of stuff left, like jars.

You got furniture?

You got any furniture?

Yeah.

Oh, is it still inside the house, the furniture?

Just the den part.

Well, what we're selling.

So I can come in and sit down inside the house and check out the furniture?

Yeah.

Do you have any pets that sat on this furniture?

No.

So there were no cats or dogs putting their shit, piss stains on it?

No.

Okay.

And did anybody have sex on it or anything like that?

No.

All right.

Do you have anything that has any stains on it that I can smell still that I can buy?

Everything's clean.

Oh, man.

Jen, do you need anything?

Do you need old soda pop bottles?

No, I just wanted something, you know, just dirty shit, you know, because I like dirty shit.

Yeah, anything dirty?

Does your wife have any used panties she hasn't cleaned, washed lately?

Sorry.

That's all right.

It was going nowhere.

Oh, my, we seem to have lost somebody.

Does your wife have any dirty panties?

Your call has been forwarded to...

you don't want to play here's a call back at gandu who's making the horse call sounds there

that's a good question which one was that uh gandhi was it gandhi no i don't think so i don't

think it was gandhi i think it was something else it was before gandhi that was after gandhi was it

after gandhi yeah i'm pretty sure i don't know was it india masala yeah that sounds about right

Maybe try that.

Let's call them all again until we find them.

Yeah, just catch room again.

Round two.

It was after the Gandhi.

You called Gandhi and then it was after that is when you called that.

After Gandhi.

We'll find out.

I'll just ask him.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't remember this being the one that didn't even pick up.

Oh.

If this is the first one, you're like, yeah, they...

Oh, I see.

You were saying blah, blah, blah.

Origin.

I think this is a new one.

Is it a new one?

This is a new one, actually.

All right.

Thank you for calling Origin India.

Yes, hello.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

No, I'm not excellent.

actually, because I was in the restaurant very recently and I had a very unpleasant experience

and I wanted to talk to somebody about that. Okay. I could give you the manager's number.

No, I think I'd like to talk to you, actually. What's your name? Jasmine. Jasmine. Were you

serving Jasmine yesterday? Yesterday? What time? I was running the food yesterday. You were running

the phone yesterday. Were you not running the food? The food. Ah, yeah. So you were running

the food isn't it you came and served me i was sitting at i'm the english gentleman and you

served me the food jasmine and uh i think you see i think you have a problem because i think you

were a little bit smelly i i felt a smell coming from you a sensation of a smell why why were you

smelling smelling yeah it was an unpleasant unnatural body odor you know that women have

it is uh sometimes it's pleasant but i think yours was not pleasant okay it was dirty dirty smell why

why were you doing that you could speak to the manager about that no i'm i want to because it's

you jasmine who was serving the food so it was you who say that's your problem so i think that's

it's correct for me to talk to you okay so why were you smelling she does not like that at all

i don't think anybody would like that to be sold you had the smell i was hoping you would say

read what i said the fish he's smelling fish i was gonna get into it oh that's funny i could

try her again fuck it yeah try it you know what this is our show right both man me and you it's

our show three of us our show i'm kind of stealing the limelight i'm sorry fuck that man it's a jen

stewart night i hope he picks up i'll kill it we can try again in a little while that was

I have a really good idea.

Remind me of that, and I've got to remember that it was

whatever it was. See, I already forgot.

I already lost it. Oh, here's a Himalayan one, too.

Himalayan.

Himalayan. Hey, Milkman,

speaking of Himalayas, I know you're really

into the

the

Tibet

or what is it? God damn it, where the earthquake

occurred in Asia. You're

really... Do you know? Was anyone

affected that you know? Because I know you're kind of... Indonesia.

your neighbors suffer yeah or does anyone affect it what about a whole bunch of people my friends

yeah their family passed away oh well god bless them or yeah buddha bless them nepal nepal

nepal fell down they had like nephews and nieces like four nephews and nieces a guy

iva got crushed under the house they couldn't dig him out fast that's that's gonna be a bad

way to go man yeah man it's not good and then they get them digged out and then the second

one come along and knock everything down again they're having a hell of a time um all right

here's india palace i think this might be the one where the guy was acting like a horse i think this

is a number one contender man wait okay wait for me to bring it down right i'm sorry are you

starting uh no well this is your okay didn't mean to bring things down yeah hello are you the are

Are you the idiot I spoke to before?

Pardon me, sir?

Ah, I see. What's your name?

Serju.

Serjun.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Mr. Stewart here.

Are you the...

Okay.

Were you serving food yesterday?

No, I wasn't, sir.

Who was serving food yesterday? Were you serving food today?

No, not at all, sir. There's a bunch of people. Who are you looking for, sir?

One of your colleagues was serving the food to me, and he was rude to me, and he was very smelly, too. I want to talk to him.

Okay. Do you know a name?

Do you know who he was?

Surgeon.

Pardon me?

Yeah, Surgeon. That's his name.

Surgeon?

Surgeon.

Pardon me?

What did you say your name was?

Sarju.

Sarju. Yeah, that's who the person was, yeah.

It's me. I don't serve food.

Yeah, it's you. You're the smelly man. I want you to have a bath.

Okay, you got the wrong person.

No, it's you, you smelly man. Why would you smell?

Not at all, sir. I don't...

Can I, like, if we have a bath together, I can scrub you a little bit.

Scrub?

He's trying to hang up. I can't figure it out.

Surgeon.

I thought you said surgeon.

I'm like, what the fuck?

I guess that wasn't it. It doesn't seem like that was it.

No, I don't think it was that.

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem like it was it.

But here's one called the Urban Turban.

Urban Turban, really?

It's a Bombay kitchen and tapas bar.

So they're mixing Indian and Spain here.

Oh my god.

Oh, I have a good idea.

There you go. Go for it, man.

I'm taking a whiff.

Yes, hello. This is Mr. Stewart from the Food Network.

I'm writing a review on the restaurant, and I wanted to talk to somebody about the story.

Yeah, this is Bhushan. I'm the owner of the restaurant.

Oh, Bhushan. Excellent. Excellent, Bhushan.

Listen, what is the story behind this restaurant?

Because you're doing Spanish food and Indian food, and you're mixing that together.

So I just wondered what happened.

No, no, we're not doing Spanish food. We're doing Bombay sweets.

Yeah, so why does that happen? How does that happen?

It's got nothing to do with Spanish food.

Ah, right. But why are you doing it like that?

Because that's the way food...

Ah, small bites and small bites.

That's the authentic way of eating Bombay food.

Mr. Poor.

But why?

I don't understand why.

Well, I need to write into the review a reason for why that happens.

Because when we started the business in New Zealand, everybody wanted to have small Indian bites and not cut.

But Indian people, you know, most Indians, I mean, I'm just generalizing.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but most Indian people are quite fat, so they eat a lot of food.

So how do you make more money, then, if you sell smaller portions to the fat people?

I don't know how to answer that.

You know, the fatties come in and they have lots and lots of little foods,

so rather than having one big food and pay once for the big food, they pay lots for the little foods, yeah?

It's a clever way to do business, isn't it?

I think that's the reason. I think you, Basan, you are a capitalist man.

You're like a pig, you know.

And then, so you make lots of money by charging lots of money for the food, the little food, you know.

Yeah, we don't charge a lot of money. I don't know, with this kind of tone, I don't want to answer your questions, okay?

Basan, you idiot, listen to me. You are a little capitalist pig.

He's not a little pig.

Yeah, Basan, what the hell?

Talk, I'm going to record this conversation, okay?

This is not...

Okay, all right, I'm going to turn it down a little bit, okay?

I'll promise not to say any rudeness.

No, no, I don't want to talk to you.

I don't even know who you are.

I just told you, I'm Mr. Stewart.

I'm Jin Stewart.

I'm from the Food Network.

We get about 100,000 unique visitors a day on the website,

and we just do food reviews on random restaurants.

That's it?

Mr. Stewart.

Jin Stewart.

And the Food Network.

You know, foodnetwork.com?

100,000 visitors a day,

plus we just released an app as well so what we're doing is we're just doing your restaurant now

it's your turn now we want to put a little bit of a nice story but i think i don't know if there's a

possibility of a nice story because i think i think you smell i think you're a bit smelly and

so i don't know if i want to put a nice story i want to put a smelly story thank you for your

phone call then don't call back again don't talk to smelly people all right good luck and you idiot

no you are an idiot because i could have made you lots of money yeah yeah thank you very much bye

oh dude i missed calls from jen yeah it's good stuff good to have you back

he's a really smelly one because you smell don't talk to people who smell

let me try see if he talks to me yes i'll have to make an order please

yes

Yes.

Okay.

Do you have pilau rice?

Pilau?

Pilau rice?

Yeah.

Is there anything you can recommend?

I mean, I don't want to make you guys have to make something really big right now this late.

You know, I'm trying to be as...

What do you prefer?

I mean, I really like Indian food like biryani and stuff like that.

You have nothing like that?

No paneer, nothing?

Chicken, no?

Chicken, chicken.

Okay, we have a chicken biryani.

Chicken biryani, there you go.

I'll take one of those, okay.

Do you have any naan bread?

Okay.

We have cheese naan and garlic naan.

Oh, garlic naan, okay.

And then one bhenchod.

Bhenchod, one bhenchod.

Do you have any madarchod?

This is off a list I'm reading online.

It's a list of Indian cuisine that I'm reading online that I should ask for.

it says things to request all right i can't take this call all right fucker it's like he's thinking

about it oh good shit man jen jen stewart carlita my two brothers man you guys made my night thank

you so much you know it man yeah a big shout out to my girlfriend she's on whatsapp she just said

she's listening to the show so but she's pissed so she's drunk as hell hey miss stewart how you

the future all right miss jen hello baby doll we know you good people no offense but jen is a

pretty effeminate name i'm just saying jen is a fucking cool name you cunt it's a brilliant name

you got jen and jenny no it'll be mrs stewart ms stewart jen stewart jenny stewart

i'd like to make an order please hi how are you yeah i'm good honey i'd like to make an order

please fa fa fo ha okay oh that's a great moment milkman i'm gonna see how far down the menu i can

go hello oh what's chat from indian what do you want yes i see here can you explain shit from

indian streets it says you have shit from indian street street sev puri what are those like what

are those like okay like sev puri or gonna be like bel puri uh well i don't know i never heard

I've never heard of shat from Indian. I've never heard of shat. What is that like? It's like soups or what are they like?

You calling from?

Uh, from, well, I mean, I'm in my hotel room. I'm going to come by and pick it up.

Okay, okay. You're going to be, puri you don't, don't carry out. You're going to be go bell puri to carry out.

Okay. Oh, that makes no sense. Thank you for the help. All right. Um, I want to make an order. One vegetable samosa.

Okay, one second. One vegetable samosa.

Uh-huh. One onion bhaji.

One onion bhaji.

One chili paneer.

One Nepali momos.

Only have the chicken one.

Okay, that's fine.

That's fine.

Okay, one Nepali momo, okay.

Okay, one aloo tiki.

One aloo tiki, okay.

One chicken pakora.

One chicken pakora, okay.

One chili chicken.

One chili chicken, uh-huh.

One lamb samosa.

One tomato soup.

One chicken soup.

One vegetable soup.

One garden salad.

One cucumber salad.

One raita.

One plain yogurt.

One sev puri.

One bell puri.

One prawn sakuti.

One bell puri.

One seafood.

food one prawn sakuti uh-huh one prawn korma how is spicy prawn sakuti uh mild mild okay one prawn

korma one prawn korma how is spicy mild okay one fish masala okay mild mild uh-huh one prawn

pepper masala mild uh-huh all right uh one aloo gobi you need the food or are you gonna be just

I have two more. One aloo gobi.

One aloo gobi? How is spicy?

Mild.

Okay.

One ban chot.

Sorry?

One ban chot.

Uh-huh.

One ban chot.

Okay.

And one mater chot.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay.

And are you a stupid owl, son of an owl, for writing all that down?

Fucking shit, stupid motherfucker.

Fuck you, motherfucker, you. Don't say that.

Motherfucker.

I gave the police name, they're going to be cast away right away.

I show you how to fuck.

I show you how to fuck with your sister.

I call police now.

You bad chot.

He went way longer than I thought I got.

Almost through the whole base.

That was impressive that he actually stayed on that.

Back to the throat and back down the stomach again, dude.

You took him the whole way around.

I did every appetizer, soup, salad, chat, and seafood that she had.

Are you just ordering?

I love it, man. Thank you, guys.

Can you call it back with a different ID?

Yeah, I can. Sure, man.

All right, let me do it. Let me set that.

I'm going to do a different area code altogether.

What's the name of the place?

Deli?

All right, well, I got it here.

Do you want to look to their menu, or you don't care?

No, no, that's okay. I don't care.

The Deli Indian Cuisine.

All right.

And away we go.

Yes, hello. Good evening.

This is Mr. Stewart speaking.

I'm local and I'm just on holiday with my girlfriend, and we're wondering if we could book a table for a party?

How many?

There's going to be 10 of us.

Right now?

Yeah, this evening would be nice, you know, in like maybe 30 minutes.

Hello?

Yes, sir, one second.

Yeah, what? Okay.

Just you guys wait in the front, okay? I'll give them tables, just a sec.

Oh, you've got people waiting, have you?

No, no, no. Yeah, somebody's there waiting.

Yeah, but listen, I need to get some preparations for the table, though, because it's a party.

No problem, no problem. I have the table.

Okay, yeah, but I need some preparations because it's a party.

Can I get some requests in to you or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give them.

So we're going to play a game called Patchy.

What?

What do you mean, what?

I'm saying I need some preparation.

So because there's 10 of us, we're having a party.

I arrange for the table for the 10 person I join for the table.

Yeah, but I need more than that.

I need something else because we want to play Patchy.

I don't know what kind of Patchy.

ah right well let me explain to you the concept of the patchy what happens is that you say you

know you put the food on the you serve it the food and what we do is we then throw the food

at each other for the food yeah yeah we make a mess basically we just we're patchy we just like

put our hands into the food like but we patch it like patched like that and then that makes a you

know patching sound i don't know this one is even if we go for different restaurants this is not

No, just a fine dining restaurant.

Yeah, so it's fine dining.

That's what we're going to do.

We're a party.

We're going to do that.

We're going to throw aubergines around.

I don't know.

We didn't match for any kind of...

Okay, well, what if I came in?

What if I come in and touch your bum?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

You wouldn't like that if I pinch you?

You need the food or you're going to be just talking?

No, I want the food.

I'm saying I'm going to come in with 10 people and we're going to play patchy with you.

I don't know.

I'm going to put you in the middle of the table and I'm going to cover you in Indian curry

curry and lick it off okay we didn't have your table over here i'm gonna lick it to the curry

of you okay go go another table mother chur you you are the calling from the rude van yeah i'm

calling from the rude van with the rude van with the rude man you remember him i kept the tonight

you're the police okay i mean no what do you mean police i am police i'm the police yeah yeah i'm

officer i'm officer stewart and i command you to lay down on the table so we can patch you

That's great

My girlfriend's getting crazy

That's awesome

That's good

Has she ever heard you pranking before?

You ever played any of it?

Yeah, yeah, she knows

That was some really good stuff

Hey, speaking of owls

Ted Webb is here

Hey, Ted

We can do a Jack and Gin

Milkman, Ted's here

Remember your friend, remember?

You were asking me about him recently

milkman's sitting by the dock of the bay milkman's at the dock of the bay

he's swinging his feet back and forth on the dock you know like kind of just chilling

is that you milkman all right he's muted it maybe he has a call yeah i'm sitting on a sack of seeds

sack of seeds good to hear you ted hey that reminds me i do my 11 o'clock check to see

where we're at. Listenerize.

Ted Webb! Yay!

Ted Webb! I love Ted Webb!

Tell him I said hello.

Good to hear him. You tell him.

Tell him yourself.

Good to hear my brother Ted

Webb. Welcome back, brother.

Long time no hear, man.

Ted, your mic, Ted.

Do you have a mic on you?

Oh, shit. I had it

up. Fucking hell, Ted.

Get with the program.

You used to do this all the time,

Yeah, listen, we got 131 people on Mixler, 73 people on our combined chat, which is Ted's own Blue Planet Prank Radio, which I saw you got an app out.

Is that in beta yet still, Ted?

I'm working on it.

Yeah, I'm still working on it.

I got most of the function there.

I'm just testing stuff.

So it's in alpha, not beta.

Yeah.

Is it iOS, Android, both?

What's going on?

Android first.

Yeah, fuck iOS, man.

You don't want to do anything with that.

You've got to pay so much money to just get the fucking developer's license

so you can publish to it.

And then you're at the mercy of them, you know, saying,

eh, we don't like it.

Yeah, with Android, you can publish any fecal matter onto there,

and it's $25.

So, yeah, there you go.

Everybody, check out.

Is it Blue Planet Prank?

Is that what you've got to look for?

It's not on the app.

Oh, it's not?

Oh, my God, I almost said App Store.

Play Store.

You're working on it still, so look out for it, then, I should say.

All right.

you let me know when you launch it i can get a lot of people sure will be interested in being

able to hear pranks that'll be really yeah it's what is working out it's there's nothing like

specific to my station so if we want to skin it for yours too that'd be cool we're not doing 24

7 right now we're hoping to get that back soon but all right so anyway we're at 199 people

190 200 now 201 people combined total that includes mixler blue planet prank radio cacti

radio on shellcast and of course the prank call nation's uh station which used to be the madhouse

radio station but now renamed and reformed when he releases that application i got a bunch of

friends up here in the tech industry you tell them i'm up in sf and i can hook them up get it

spread around everybody there we go man like wow spread it like wildfire man wildfire that burns

down tons of houses in california how many listeners do we have on 98.6 the mouth uh only

six i think right now because it's not 24 7 so people just hit it up for the show and that's it

so it's lost a lot of its luster yeah but the mouth man

i don't have that well i do have that ready fucker

oh my throat 98.6 no oh sorry i need some water there thank god for the mouth

Alright, let's just support prank calls

Just waiting to hear if there are any angry

We want to stick to Indian

Do you want to call that chick back

That we insulted earlier

Which one?

The one at Origin Indian

That you said was smelly

You said you wanted to call her back

Yeah, we can try that

Did you forget it already?

I don't know, it's okay

I've got to find it specific

Jasmine, how is her name?

Jasmine

Jasmine.

She doesn't smell like Jasmine.

No, she doesn't.

I think this is it.

If not, this is another one.

What are you going to get with that?

Hello?

Oh, they haven't answered.

They didn't say anything.

What?

I lost Milkman.

I'll call back.

I thought that was where the chick was.

Now it's something else.

We can try a new one.

I didn't mind.

I'll just start it again.

Well, she did say they were coming back from a catering, I think.

So this might be them.

Oh, yeah.

She's not having it

Don't worry about it

We can go somewhere else

Let's try something

Do you want to stick with India?

Because I'm headed to Hawaii

Yeah, yeah, let's try India

It's got to be India

We're going to do India

India

Dude, India, you know

Nobody else can do India

Nobody come in front

Who is that man?

All right

Electric Karma

See, a lot of them are Americanized

I'm not looking for that

I'm looking for

Straight up Indian motherfuckers

Like Star of India

They should be Indian

Like Star of India

There we go

That's what I'm talking about

Dura!

Dura Halla Halla!

Hello!

Mop Man!

Your music!

Mop Man, buddy!

Mop Man music!

How are we?

How are you?

I'm okay.

This is Mr. Stewart.

I'm from the Food Network.

Okay.

Yeah, we're writing a review on your restaurant there.

Oh, oh, say it again?

I'm writing a review on the restaurant

and I wanted to get some confirmation if it was okay.

Okay.

Because basically there's gonna be like a hundred thousand people that are gonna see it.

Alright, awesome.

Yeah?

So I'm gonna read it to the review to you.

What's your name?

My name?

Yeah.

Okay, so basically, what are you going to write about it?

No, I've already written it, but what's your name, Yu?

Okay, my name is Randy.

Gandhi?

Randy.

Okay, Randy.

Randy.

Okay, Randy, listen, I'm going to call you Jack, okay?

Okay.

Sure, sure, sure.

Okay, so this is the review that I wrote.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

What are you going to write about it?

So I've got a review that I wrote about the restaurant,

and I want you to confirm that it's okay for me to publish it for 100,000 people to see it.

Oh, because I can't give you the permission to, like, because the owner is not here.

You just have to say yes or no. You like it, you don't like it.

Oh, I think I don't.

What do you mean? You haven't even heard it yet.

How can you say that you don't like it if you haven't heard it?

I'm not interested about it because I'm not here.

You're an idiot. Listen, I'm going to read the review and you just say yes, I like it, okay?

And the review is very simple. It's like two lines. It's two lines. You ready?

Randy is a bastard.

That's it.

That's a simple review, and that's what I'm going to put.

100,000 people are going to read it.

Okay.

Randy the bastard.

May I have your name?

Yeah, my name is Mr. Stewart.

May I have your name?

Mr. Stewart.

Okay.

I'm from the Food Network.

Okay, Food Network.

All right.

Yeah, Food Network.

And Randy, you little motherfucker, why would your parents call you Randy?

Why would my parents call me Randy?

Yeah, why would they call you that?

I think they were drunk when they called you that.

Why were they drunk?

No, I think your mother and father were drunk, so they're starting to fuck you up.

Why would you say what I said? I just said that to you, you idiot.

You just repeated what I said, you bloody owl.

Why would you do that? That's what parents do.

You fucking jackass.

You bloody idiot.

Don't call us...

What the hell kind of name is Randy anyway?

How can I put that in my review?

If I put Randy in my review, people are going to say that's a stupid review because it's a stupid name.

Okay, take a pic- take a picture of your mother's pussy and put it on your review and you know

I'm gonna write Randy across it

Oh, yeah, you know what? You can write whatever like what the fuck you want, you know?

Because you're fucking Andy, so whatever you want to write

Alright

Son of an owl

What's the beeping? Who's making-

Who's making breakfast?

That was good stuff

Sorry, hey, that makes it real

That's awesome

Good call, man

Randy. Idiot's name.

No, man, before we continue, Ted's got to do a prank

because he's been on a bunch of times

as a guest, and you never do a call.

And it's like you want to, and then something happens

and then we never get you.

You want to do an Indian restaurant? We've got a whole ton of them.

That's what I got tonight. Oh, I like the sound of that.

What are we doing? Doing Indian.

Yeah, well, Ted's going to do a prank.

What's up, my friend folks?

You heard it right here coming up. A tag team, man,

from our two old favorites,

Dan and Ed O'Pepper.

Get them, boys!

Do you want me to like get into it? Oh, he's gonna do it, right?

Okay, let him do it. Yeah, you do it, you.

Play off each other like back in the day.

Crown of India? Hello?

Hello, yes, Crown of India.

How are you? Good, and you?

My name is Soot Marani.

Uh-huh.

I'd like to make an order for takeaway, please.

Okay, what would you like to make?

I'd like two tandoori mixed curry, two tikka tikka masala, three plant-based tender, two mixed curry, and one plain nut.

Anything else?

I'd also like, uh, one lamb basanda, two curry rice, and, uh...

Bitch, what are you, fucking careful? You're kidding me?

Fucking careful. I will call 911. Shut up.

Oh, shut up. Why are you laughing, bitch?

Because your mother smells like curry, that's...

Okay, give me a second, bitch. Give me a minute.

Never heard the females get like that.

Oh, my God.

Poo-tee smells like naan bread! Poo-tee smell like naan bread!

Uh, she was... thought she was gonna come back.

Bitch, oh my god, we have to call her back.

Hello, baby, how are you?

Hello, baby, baby, how are you, baby cakes?

Bitch, I'm not free, I'm busy right now.

What do you mean you're not free?

Don't call me again.

What? Why?

Have you ever heard an Indian woman get like that in a prank call?

No, yeah, actually I have.

I've never heard a switch to the urban thing, man.

She got off real, bitch.

What is this?

What's up, bitch?

Is this a copter or what the fuck, dude?

No, this is...

Compton Curry, motherfucker!

What the hell is she on about, I'm not free?

She's from the south side of Calcutta, apparently.

This is on Santa Monica Boulevard in LA.

She is in the hood, man.

She is from the hood.

I'm not free.

I'm not fine for you.

Hello?

If not free, then how much?

I don't know if she heard that or not.

I don't know why her booty smell like naan bread.

Her booty?

I understand why people say I'm going to call 9-1-1.

It's like, did you break your leg?

I call 9-1-1 right away.

Straight away, that's what it is.

So I guess the thing to get the women riled up

is talk to them, make them think you're a woman,

because they get really pissed off.

Dial her in the chat room and take note.

That might help you out.

You want to do another one, Ted?

Gate of India?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, they're close to negative.

Tag team round two!

There's an urban masala here.

It might be Americanized.

Is there any name for Pakistani cuisine?

Yeah, Paki.

Paki food.

I don't think that's right.

It might be racist.

I think that's what racist British people say.

We're all about Paki food.

Here's India's tandoori.

They may still be open.

Hello?

My name is Jamal.

Okay.

Yes.

I'm going to open a restaurant right next to yours.

And it's going to be a Pakistani and Indian fusion restaurant

Yeah, so I'm going to have lots of my Pakistani friends come to eat

And will you come and dine with us?

Yeah, when you open it, not a problem

Really?

Yeah, why should there be a problem?

If you'll invite me, we'll definitely come

But maybe they won't like you

Well, I mean, see, I can only like other people.

I cannot force other people to like me.

Really?

Wow.

That's very enlightened of you.

Thank you.

Can I make an order?

For delivery or pickup?

I want you to bring it to me personally.

I don't do deliveries.

Why?

Are you the owner?

Yes.

Oh, look at you, Mr. Big Man, Mr. Kanaka with your bank accounts.

Thanks a lot.

I get that a lot.

Are you rich?

Rich man?

Oh, yeah.

Totally. Loaded.

So you never need to, like, use a broom?

No, who said that?

I do all the work in the restaurant, whatever needs to be done.

Well, I was there the other day, and I was talking to the cook,

and he said you don't lift a finger around there.

He says he has to do everything.

That's fine.

When the cook says it on my face, then I'll take care about it.

Do you want to maybe get him on the phone?

I'm sorry.

We could talk about it.

I don't want him to talk about it right now.

He's really busy.

he said that you don't i mean i don't want to for him but he said you are opening a restaurant

right next to me right so when you open it you can come down that's true yeah whenever you're

gonna do it we're gonna talk about it then is that okay i have like 200 people sitting in front

of me right now so i'm kind of busy yeah well um that's kind of like why i'm calling you because

i don't think you'll have those people anymore because my food is gonna be like way better god

bless you all the best mate thank you anytime now is it okay if i hang up or you still have

have something to say yeah i was wondering if you might come clean up at my restaurant because

i whenever you open it then we'll think about it who needs to clean where and who will have to come

where to clean okay we could share you know i could knock down a wall between us oh it would

be like brother brother and sister that's fine i'm the only child and i like i'm the only child

and i like like it like that so i could be the brother and you could be the sister how's that

I told you, I'm the only child I like being like that.

I'm a very pampered kid, so when you open it next door, or, well, if you get a chance next door, that's one thing.

But then, let's say, you know, what do you call those things?

Hypothetically, if you get a chance to open it next door.

Whoa!

And hypothetically, when it happens, you talk about it.

Did you have to look that word up?

Oh, no, I didn't have to look that word up, because my vocabulary and myself are way more sharper than people, five people like you.

Okay?

So it's better if you hang up.

Listen, listen, listen, my friend, whatever your name is and whosoever you are.

When you open a restaurant, we'll talk about it.

I'm really busy.

Yeah, I am really busy because I don't have time like you to call up people

and tell me that, you know, I'm going to do this and what's going to happen then.

I don't think about it like that.

I'm thinking about it right now.

I'm looking at it right now.

So please hang up.

I have your number right here.

I will report it to the police right away.

Okay?

So please don't call me again.

So you don't want to be my sister?

I told you don't call me again.

I have your number right.

I'm going to call the cops right away.

Okay?

Straight away.

Yeah.

You ever heard of an Indian who's an only child?

Something happened there.

I think his father wasn't man enough.

Yeah, because there's no such thing.

They fucking three, four, five.

Why don't you call him back?

I'll tell him I'm his long-lost brother.

Sure, mate.

Sure, bud.

I think this is...

I can tell you found out he was a...

my god oh my god chris lamb i'll

change the id to everybody okay and here we go again with the new color yeah hello yeah how are

you excellent i am i'm mr stewart from you what do you mean my voice is you bastard you why you

say things like that to me okay i don't have a wife yeah i'm i'm your long lost brother from

another mother i don't have a brother from my own mother talk about having a brother from another

mother but i'm saying that i am your brother so you have to accept that i'm the brother no no you

must accept i don't accept my friend please why you why swear at me you pass me

don't take some must accept must accept oh man jinn's so much better getting them to pop don't

Don't be in denial.

Hello?

Hello, why did you swear?

If you want to make VIP calls or whatever calls you want to make, at least use a better service.

What do you mean VIP calls?

Mate, I have your fucking number here, you fucking piece of shit.

You understand about VOIP?

You know what is VOIP?

VOIP means Void Over Internet Protocol.

And I have your number right here.

Fucking idiot, you are a very free person.

I am not.

Why don't you understand the fact that they are really busy out here?

What the fuck is your problem?

Can I ask you something seriously?

Why do you talk such a bloody weird accent?

Of course he knows about VoIP and V-O-I-P.

Listen to him.

He probably teaches the shit.

It's in VIP calls.

Yeah.

VIP.

VoIP or VIP.

He's a gun dude.

Damn, right, Mulfan?

Here it is.

Do you have a new one?

Yes, I do.

Here it is.

I don't know what it's called, but they're Indian.

Okay.

It's Indian, but I feel like calling.

It's my show.

I do what I want.

I'm at a restaurant.

Can I help you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you doing, mate?

How you doing?

Hello?

Yeah, what's up?

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm good.

How are you?

yeah i'm fucking brilliant mate listen i want to come in there with a couple of mates of mine

right and we're gonna we're gonna eat there okay you can walk in our restaurant no problem

yeah what's your name my name is sam sam yes that's not that's not indian though is it

yeah of course indian well no it's not why would your parents call you sam i think you're lying

no no my name is sam why indian well you i think no your name isn't sam your name is something

else it must be something like Mohammed doors or fucking something like that so

India and now Indian have lots of English name because the 200 years be

British there there weren't like 200 years be British ruler so are you

telling me that some British guy came to India fucked your mother and then they

decided to call you Sam so how you become like you become very British like

No, that's how you became some British person. Maybe me. I came and I had sex with your mother nine months before you were born, right?

And then we decided to call you with a fucking British name. Is that what you're saying? That's what you're saying, isn't it?

You motherfucker.

Don't fucking swear at me, you cunt. I'm your fucking father.

You're a babe coming to a restaurant, okay?

You dirty cunt. Why would you fucking swear to me like that?

Why you call us?

Have you lost your fucking mind?

You fucking cunts.

Carlito!

Carlito. Hey.

I'm sorry, are you guys calling somebody? I'm drunk

like a fucker. Oh, yeah.

Everybody seems to be high or drunk.

Yeah, Jag, you're drunk? Why are you drunk?

Yo, Bob. Come here, Bob.

Oh my god, you guys.

Did I ruin a phone call?

What? Kind of, yeah.

It was finishing up. It was wrapping up.

I'm sorry. It's alright.

Be careful, alright?

I'm riding a skateboard

Alright sounds alright

I'm going to let you guys go

I love you

Alright there you go

Sorry about that

I want to keep it just us

Until we take our break

Which I don't want to be for like another hour

Probably

My girlfriend said she's too tired and drunk

She's going to sleep so she said goodbye to everybody

Oh bye man

Bye Mrs. Future

Jimmy says to it yeah you got a great man there and don't break his heart will kill you

prank call you but we need that in the nicest way possible we'll wind you up all night yeah and I

taught uh Jin I taught him how to do massages real good yeah I love that because I think that

was a really good one look Nirvana and Beverly Hills I'm gonna try this Nirvana Nirvana yes hi

I'd like to make an order for for food for food yeah can you hold on one second please and then

Can you hold on a second, please?

I guess, yeah.

What do you mean by hold?

How long?

Hang on one second, please.

How long?

He just hung up on me.

Someone should order now.

It's like, fuck.

All right.

I don't want to deal with that Beverly Hills attitude.

Fuck that.

We'll call the Bombay Palace right down the street instead.

Literally, this is actually across the street.

Probably in a bidding war with this place, right?

Eh, guys?

Eh?

Milfane, what's the first thing you ever drank?

A beer?

Do you remember what kind of beer it was?

Anybody?

Bombay Palace.

Uh, yes, hi, I'd like to make an order.

For a pickup?

Yeah.

All right, hold on, sir.

All right.

Yeah, I'd like one meat.

Which meat do you want?

Hot meat.

Huh?

Hot meat.

Yeah, do you want chicken, lamb, lobster, prawn? Which meat do you want?

Uh, bird, bird.

You have to tell me the name, sir.

Do you have a bird?

Which bird? You know, we have, we don't have any bird.

No? Oh, shit.

Uh, what's your chicken made out of?

I'm sorry?

what kind of animal is chicken what do you think you tell me now you tell me now i don't know

you're asking you should know a chicken is a bird and i said do you have any bird and you say no

you're pretty stupid right she know i got her and she's like oh i like the premise of that

it's almost like a longmont potion castle type call stole my fucking song i stole your song

oh he did no no longmont yeah well was it long one yeah but he didn't make us he didn't make

no i didn't make the song but it was my my prank calls he took the words from

you're big banana yeah exactly big big big big big big hello to be fair it was a good song

yes can we he could have he could have said something to me yeah can i make an order

hello yeah can i make an order okay hold on give me one second okay motherfucker

you motherfucker bitch hey hey no no no

you

Shoot Maraniiii

You're tough Marani, I'm gonna hit you

Hey, take this

Hey Pudi

Hey motherfucker, hey, are you there?

Hey bitch, what?

I call for the police right now

Oh, and then?

Rack the phone

Police coming

Yeah, he's coming for you, you stupid motherfucker

No, he's coming for you, you stupid motherfucker

He's gonna fuck you in the ass

Son of a bitch

He sounds hispanic

To be honest

Are you puta madre?

Are you spanish?

Hola

Fuck you

Is your mother spanish?

Mama huevo

Yeah mama

Hey you stupid

No you are stupid

Trust me

Why you calling for restaurant

Motherfucker

Because I want to talk to somebody

Who's a fucking idiot

And he's going to swear at me

That's why I'm calling you

Because that's exactly what you do

For who you call

I'm calling you you cunt

That's because

I want to talk to you

Okay, for who you need it.

What's your name?

Fuck you, you told me for what you need it.

Listen to me, you motherfucker.

What's your name?

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you cunt.

Fuck you.

No, you, you fuck.

Okay, I check it out, the new number right now.

Listen, I'm going to fuck you.

Check it out.

Check.

You understand?

You checking?

Mode check.

Mode check, check, check, mode, check, mode.

All right.

Try them again.

Big, big, big, big banana.

Big banana.

Make a remix.

Big Dallas, good evening.

Hello.

Hello? Hello?

Transfer those calls to Beverly Hills Police Station.

Oh, I'm so scared of that.

Was that the same lady?

Fucking Eddie Murphy's gonna come over.

Yeah, Beverly Hills Cop.

Cop.

Wow.

Man, we're having fun, huh?

It was a good time. Yeah, that was the same place.

I don't know. It was the same lady.

That was the lady who called me bitch.

I think so, yeah.

Bitch.

I'm not available, bitch.

Electric Lotus.

let's try it i think they're going to be americans one that's okay they can be americans

i'm gonna talk let me talk to these guys okay

hi how you doing fine how are you i'm good i'm good i'm mr steward i became an american citizen

yesterday cool i know it's so awesome right i'm an american now and i just want to do like

like, awesome American stuff.

So I just want to learn what kind of things do American people do, you know?

So I was wondering if you could, like, give me some tips, some pointers.

Where are you calling from?

I'm Mr. Stewart.

I live next door.

I'm kind of homeless right now, so I'm kind of looking for a place to chill out, you know?

There's an Indian restaurant.

Do you know that?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'm just trying to learn the American culture because, you know, Indian people came to America,

and now all the indian people in america want to become american citizens as well so it's like i

can socialize and mix with these people you know and i can be like oh i'm gonna pretend to be like

an indian guy or something and start talking like you know okay i'm gonna put you on hold

i'll be right back with you and then and then and then keep asking that question today

She's transferring you to the toilet.

What's she eatin'?

She's- huh?

What's she eatin'?

I wanna introduce a new American culture.

Eggplant.

Parmesan? Or just eggplant?

Yeah.

You're so Italian.

That's Italian.

Jenna, you're what? Introducing a new character?

Yeah. No, I'm introducing a new concept.

Oh, shit, we lost Milkman.

Is this, like, the Borat Indian?

From your country.

Can you do-

I think she's just literally put us on hold, because this is a very clever way to get rid of my coolers.

Yeah. They try this sometimes.

You could ask her, when do you have a sexy intercourse?

Yeah, yeah, what times could...

Oh, what?

Oh, God.

Are we under the car seat?

Where are you?

Are you still looking at the ocean?

Okay.

Okay, I thought you were on a call.

Well, I'm done.

I just dropped off my phone.

Oh, okay.

Hey, I got a call from AMD.

He asked if you could add him to the conversation.

I didn't know if you had a chance to add him or not.

Yeah, he's ringing me, for fuck's sake.

I don't know what to do.

Tell him to...

He's going to...

He wanted to join the conversation with us.

I didn't know if you were going to have him in or not.

Yeah, give him my Skype.

I can put him on.

Okay, well, he don't have you, so if you would ask if you can add him.

I don't know how to add him with my phone, dude.

I'm on the phone.

Yeah, that's why.

I'm going to message him.

Hang on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit.

One of you guys can.

I just can't.

I don't know how to do it on my phone.

Okay.

So Morgan Freeman apparently coming out saying he loves to eat, smoke, do whatever he can.

Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman as Morgan Freeman.

He's the parterre. He's the parterre.

He's a cool actor.

He is God, after all.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

And the president.

Yeah, so the God and the president says smoke weed every day.

And he played Malcolm X once.

Jim Storch smokes weed every day.

Do I bollocks?

And he drinks beer every day.

Do I fuck?

Maybe.

We don't know.

We gotta ask Ginny about that.

Thanks for calling. I can help you.

Yeah, hi.

This is Mr. Stewart.

How are you doing?

Fine, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm trying to find out about the American culture.

I heard that, you know, at certain times of the day,

Americans do, like, you know, weird things.

They go, like, and they touch each other and stuff like that.

What?

Man.

I'm calling her back.

I want to learn how to be a better man.

Yeah.

I'm calling her back because we held way too long for that.

We're getting a lot of that.

Yeah, I think she's had enough.

Yeah, we're getting a lot of that.

All right, all right.

the movie death of a prophet featured morgan freeman as malcolm x uh george was wondering

if i was confusing him with denzel washington in the movie x no morgan freeman did play in an

older movie based on on the uh life of malcolm malcolm 10 shall we continue then in our search

for indian gold uh this is this this is the bollywood cafe guys oh god oh my god i love the

Yeah, you want to go to Bombay.

Who the fuck is taking this?

Good evening, brother.

Can I help you?

Oh, hello.

Yes.

How are you?

Good, man.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm excellent, man.

Oh, my God.

I'm so excited.

What's your name?

I'm sorry?

What?

Your name, you.

What's your name?

Shout it to me.

MK.

What the fuck?

What kind of a bloody name is that?

What does it stand for?

Monkey?

Monkey King.

don't say like this okay why why you call why you call this number because i want to know why

why your parents named you mk that's a stupid name you are bullshit man no you're bullshit

your name is bullshit why you call k because i listen i'm trying to understand why your parents

would call you mk what kind of stupidity is that i am not i am not for here i am for some other

country so you don't understand my name is meaning what the meaning no i think it's your parents are

just stupid that's why that's the reason not because it's okay it's okay because your mother

and father they are stupid i i like my mother and father that's why then i know you like them

i know but they are stupid i'm sorry to tell you then share that news with you but they are very

are you stupid you are also same thing same to you sir what do you mean same to me you idiot

how can that be same same thing same thing i'm does that mean i'm your brother you are you are

bullshit also no no i'm your brother how can you swear to me like that amen your mother is my

mother what what what did he say carbel hey

what kind of name is that mk yeah i worked with an indian guy that his name was really long and

they just called him pn there was another guy called gt and his name is hello this is bollywood

i'll help you oh yeah yeah what do you mean how can you what's your name hello this is bollywood

i'll help you the name is bollywood the name is bollywood sure no no no what's your

Your name.

That's the name, sir.

Bollywood.

No, no, I don't care about the name of the restaurant.

I want your name.

You.

Oh, you call me later because right now I'm working.

So you call me later, okay?

Thank you.

No, I'm calling you now, you idiot.

It sounds really busy.

It's not a good number.

They're not now.

You're right.

It's bad when there's loads of people there.

It's better when he's got nothing.

A, they're busy.

You've got to give them a chance.

answer. B, it's going to be loud.

Royal Curry Cafe.

Let's see if we have a better look with them. They're about

half a mile away. I think, Ted, Ted, you should

do something.

Do Jack and Jim. I like it when you do that thing, Jim,

when you clap real loud.

Which? You did it earlier tonight.

You're like, oi!

It's hard to explain.

You clapped your hand.

Can I help you?

Hello?

I'm a friend of the restaurant.

Can you hold, please?

No.

Hello, thanks for holding.

Hi.

Yes, how can I help you?

I want to make an order for takeaway.

Okay, what can we get you?

What's your menu?

I'm sorry?

What's your menu? What do you have?

We have Indian food. If you want to look online, sir, we can have...

Oh, shit, Sherlock, it's an Indian restaurant. What the fuck?

All right, well, I mean, what did you want to order?

Do you have a website?

Yeah, royalcurrycafe.net.

World curry. Okay. It says this web page is not available

Did you pay the bill? Royalcurrycafe.net

Well, you should speak more clearly. Time to load. I have no idea. We're actually busy sir. Can you call us back? Thank you. Bye-bye.

No!

What a piece of shit. Yeah, it was taking a long time for me.

I'm having that same problem. Yeah, it doesn't seem to be learning

Maybe maybe they misspelled it like Indian you have to spell it with an Indian accent

Royalcurrycafe!

You gotta use all the ASCII shit

Change the R's to D's.

Maybe that'll work.

Salami, Salomi, Indiana, and Bangladeshi restaurant.

Bangladeshi darker skin, right, Jim?

Oh, Bangladeshi.

Oh, my God.

They're like the Mexicans in India, right?

They're all like, oh, they come here and they stink and they take all the jobs.

What good language on the planet.

Oh, shit, man.

Really?

It's a nice language.

Good people.

Good evening, Salami.

How can I help you?

Yes, hello.

Good evening.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

How are you?

Oh, I'm excellent. I'm actually rather well. My wife and I, we're going to come into your restaurant and we'd like to book, you know, just the two of us a nice romantic evening dinner. Do you think that can be arranged?

Yeah, what kind of? Yeah, I have a little private table.

You see, my wife and I, we're having our 20th anniversary, and it's going to be a nice little...

I have a little surprise for her, you see, and we're going to sit down and we're going to have a nice little meal,

a bit of Indian food, you know, a nice little candle, a bit of leather, a bit of whipping.

What?

What time you want to come?

I was thinking perhaps a little bit later this evening, maybe within the next hour or two.

How does that sound to you?

We close at 10 o'clock.

Okay, yes, but if we come after hours, then perhaps your chef can, you know, I have a little bit of money, I have a little bit of extra money, perhaps I can give you $500 extra. What do you think of that?

We don't do after hours.

What, for $500? Surely you would think about it.

Chef is not here. Give me your card number and I charge $500 and after hours.

Okay, yeah, what, you have a pen?

No, that's okay, my chef, they have to leave.

Where are you from, sir?

Okay, I'm from India.

Yeah, but not Bangladesh. Do you speak any Bangladeshi?

No.

I need what I'd like to do, actually. I'd like to come in with my wife, you see.

We're having our anniversary, like I said.

And what we'd like to do is we'd like to get a few Bangladeshi people just cleaning around the table,

because we're quite messy. We like to throw the food around, so we need a slave...

No, no, we don't do that after an hour.

Shut up, you idiot. I'm talking.

You shut up. You are still talking.

Why would you interrupt me? How dare you?

getting a lot of just shut up like straight up shut up

all right now what are we gonna do guys now what are we gonna do

i got a i got a bunch of numbers here we like stuff for sale and all that stuff

Yeah, we should do something.

We should fuck with some individuals rather than the...

Indian restaurants, I know.

I think everyone's getting burned out from it already.

Hey, we got Linda Blair's cell phone number.

Who the fuck is Linda Blair?

Linda Blair was the actress that played the little girl in the movie The Exorcist.

Oh my god.

She got a prank from Dwight last night, and we got her cell phone number in the process.

She got pranked in her hotel room last night.

You know what? Guess what? I have to pee.

I know I said I was going to try to go another hour, but I have to take that break now.

Milkman, how long do we have you first for, Jen?

Do you have to go to go sleep?

I'm hanging in here.

All right.

Milkman's going to hang in.

What about you, Jen?

We got you for a little while?

Yeah, I mean, I'm quite tired, but I'm happy to go on for a little bit longer.

All right.

Cool.

All right.

And Ted, if you've got time, I know sometimes you end up having to go.

Yeah, I'll be here.

All right.

Cool.

Well, I'm going to take a break now.

It's going to be like, to be honest, maybe like six, seven minutes.

That sounds more like you're going to go and do a number two, my friend.

No, it's pee, and then I eat a sandwich.

All right.

I think he's going to go pop a wank out as well.

He's going to work on there, Jim.

Pop a wank.

I'm going to go fuck my wife.

I knew it.

I'm going to go fuck my wife.

That's what it is.

I'll be right back.

We got numbers from...

Also, we weren't supposed to talk about that.

We got numbers from Dwight from all over the country.

Things for sale and people checking in in hotels.

All that.

Jim Stewart, Ted Webb, Milkman, Carlito, myself, and maybe a few more people here coming up.

Madhouse Radio.

Be right back in a moment.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a tractor at the bottom, P.S., and you go straight down.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I've been in pain tonight.

Hey, everybody.

We're back.

Madhouse Radio.

Carlito.

This is Carlito.

We're missing something, right?

We're missing a...

That's what it was.

I'm here with Jin Stewart, Ted Webb, and Milkman.

Hello, hello.

How are you?

You lost, Milkman?

There you are.

Ted's here.

Everyone's here.

We all made it.

Hooray!

Let's get to these numbers that Dwight has shared with me.

This is fantastic, guys, man.

This is a time warp, man.

This is a classic show in the making.

So everybody out there, stand by to enjoy.

We got Todd Polakoff of the Jewish Federation of Cleveland.

Jewish Federation of Cleveland.

What is it?

Hang on, let me...

I'm going to copy-paste this.

I'm going to copy-paste all the numbers into Skype.

Okay.

So you guys know what I'm talking about.

Let's go to the top of that list.

Todd Balakoff, Jewish Federation.

I like Jews.

He says this is the last draw.

I'm done with DirecTV.

First Super Bowl, now three clouds in the sky.

And the Cavs game is all choppy.

Canceling tomorrow.

So he's pissed off about the clouds messing up his TV coverage of the NBA playoffs.

How the clouds can affect that?

They get in the way of the satellite signal.

Bollocks.

It's fucking water.

If anything, it would improve the...

How the fuck?

No, I don't understand that.

No, I think it's the rain that's supposed to mess it up.

Yeah, that's been a known problem.

The heavy moisture content can affect the satellite reception, that's for sure.

Thank you for calling the Jewish Federation of Cleveland.

Our office is closed Monday, May 25th for...

That's not his personal number.

Unfortunately, that is his work number.

That is not going to work.

We've got Olga, also known as Tita.

Yeah.

I can always count on DirecTV to have signal loss when there's little to no when present.

When.

Did Linda Blair answer when we called?

We haven't called her.

What do we want to talk to her about?

Who fucking cares, dude?

It's Linda Blair.

Start with something funny.

money she had her head twisted around backwards and she inserted a crucifix into her opening and

amongst other crazy things that she did in that movie yeah well the thing yesterday she was told

by dwight that there was a case of crucifix dildos being delivered to her and she was like

all right i'm calling her pretty good looking when she got older man you didn't like her with

I don't like girls, man.

Anything like under 30

doesn't make sense anyway.

You have reached the voice mailbox of...

Whoops.

That was not Linda Blair, actually.

Don't even bother trying to get that.

Did you ever talk to Sam anymore

at number one?

Let's call him.

He just stopped answering after a while.

It was just impossible.

Those were some of my first calls.

Number one?

Number one!

Sam, you, yes, I'd like to sell you my MP3 player.

Yeah, so the MP3 in the garbage and all that, that was him, right?

You put it in the garbage, yeah, yeah.

Turn it into MP3, you know?

Shut the fuck up.

MP3 player, what you mean MP3 player?

MP3 player, MP3 player.

I don't know what you're talking about, MP3 player.

Then you made a soundboard and had a call place like that.

Good times, man.

If you guys just call, call a hotel up and, like, do the team,

like do it like a triple team between carlito and bubba and jen stewart like get something going

yeah room orgies oh my god we should call the fucking motel six and see if we can like call

the rooms and just uh get them to like mistakes i mean there's people out there that are voicing

the same opinion but you can't hear them but i'm gonna say it for them maybe if you all would do

man i'd love it all right um let me look for that now

Now, shh, uh, you gotta use specifically the kind of, hang on, Dwight can get that, Dwight

has, I think he has a few of those hotels that are, um, room dial ones, we get them

all the time, let me ask him, he might know, do you have a direct, yeah, fuck yeah,

come up here to fix the water hose in your room, but I accidentally put my foot in the

toilet, so don't mind, footprint's gone up the wall, up on the ceiling, cause I was

flipping out, man.

You're a little too over-modulated.

A little too loud.

A little bit.

Corey is upset with Comcast.

That is a cable TV network

company. Not to be

mean, but his response came a bit late,

he says. I have no idea what he's talking about.

What is this? Which one is this? Corey

Haggard? No, his name is Corey,

I think. Yeah, and he's

upset at Comcast, the company Comcast.

Some kind

of delay he had in getting his service turned back on today i guess i don't know he's real upset about

it i guess all right i'm going to give him a call you're going to say you're calling from concast

yeah yeah nice corey haggard all right if you need to talk to the ceo of the company i'll be

available you're my guy all right oh let me i got to get the corporate number for comcast to change

Thank you, Janet Jackson.

Thought you could walk up in and get some ground.

I walk up, roll a rug out for money.

As I talk, I'll take you out like a sniper.

Okay, caller ID has been checked.

Number.

I got your number for this.

Here we go.

Motel that lets you dial the rooms.

Yes, hello.

Corey Haggard?

Mr. Haggard?

Yes.

Hi, I'm calling from Comcast Corporate Office.

You had a problem with your service, a complaint.

I'm here to take care of that, to make you happy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You had a complaint regarding your Comcast service?

There was a delay, sir?

Well, I just got the ticket now.

Did you open the ticket with us over the weekend or Friday, perhaps?

No, no.

We had a trouble issue.

We let you know that there was a delay, but we're working.

You don't know what I'm talking about at all.

I don't know what you're talking about at all.

It's 11 or 12.

Well, you're pretty stupid.

How about I'm just going to turn your service off, then, motherfucker, you?

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Cut the fucking service off, motherfucker.

Cool.

Yeah.

Oh, you were upset that AT&T doesn't offer 150 download speed?

Do what?

What were you complaining about, that AT&T doesn't offer 150?

I was complaining that you didn't suck a dick good enough.

That's what I was complaining about.

Tag!

Motherfucker.

I would shove you right now if I was there, you know that?

I would shove you.

Well, come here and do it.

I will shove you in front of your wife and your kids.

Do it.

Make you look a little bit better.

You call center fucking faggot.

I will fuck you in the ass with no lubrication.

You are a call center fucking faggot.

What do you do?

You ain't got no job.

What kind of job is that?

You can't even get a call center job.

Listen to your accent.

What kind of job is that, dude?

What kind of job is that?

I make $38,000 a year.

$38,000?

Wow.

That's a lot of fucking money, buddy.

And they get all the free TV.

that's one bill right there not to worry about yep and my phone and i get a 50 discount off my

verizon bill that's cool man that's really cool you still live at home with your mom

no fucking faggot yeah right no i've got a big mansion out here i live in yeah i'm sure you do

making making sales calls for fucking i have a pool and a tennis

I have a pool on a tennis court and a basketball court.

Indoor.

It's a full court with two hoops.

No, what you do is you got your buddy right there

and you're fucking jacking him off right now is what you're doing.

I'm going to transfer you to my supervisor.

Go ahead and connect me to your fucking supervisor.

All right.

Beep, boop.

Hello.

You fucking douchebag.

You ain't got nothing better to do.

Hello, what's that noise?

Can you attend to the child, please?

I couldn't find my sound effects of transferring

and i had to go beep boop you know and that killed me i guess i woke the baby up huh yeah

i felt a little bit bad because the kid was crying i did too that's why i was kind of like

let me wrap it up here wrap it up so he can get the baby back to sleep you have to hold a baby

fucking guy heisenberg you cunt he's saying kick the baby don't feel bad shut the fuck up you

fucking weirdo man fucking psycho what was his name is heisenberg shake the baby to sleep what

What the fuck is wrong with him, man?

Don't shake a baby.

Never shake a baby.

Fucking hell.

Even saying shit like that is weird.

No, no, that's bad.

You're going to hell for that.

Yeah, you will go to hell for that.

That's worse than this prank calling is what you just said.

We've got Patricia.

Don't worry, they're like...

Patrizia with a Z.

Patrizia.

I'm guessing that's Italian.

Vielleicht Deutsch, oder?

I think Ted would say that's Italian.

Patrizia?

Nein, Deutsch.

Deutsch.

German.

German, really?

With a Z?

Ja, Patrizia.

Patrizia.

Warum nicht?

The Germans use Z?

Yeah, yeah, Patricia.

I don't think Germans ever use the letter Z.

Patricia.

If you say so.

Hey, okay, she says anyway, United Airlines, yes,

but that puts us overnight at the airport with no voucher for a hotel stay.

We were supposed to get in tonight.

It looks like their flight got canceled, perhaps, and they're stuck with no hotel.

Uh-oh.

What the fuck?

That's fucked up, man.

What, what?

Hang on a minute, United, yes?

let's see she's stuck at the cancun airport in mexico because the flight with united to houston

has 200 oh my god has a 200 minute delay ergo will not not be back to las vegas tonight so

she's stuck at the airport yeah and then uh she tell united got back to her and said we see the

airport added a morning flight to you know so you can get there in the morning and she's like yeah

Yeah, but now we're overnight at the airport with no voucher for hotel stay.

Yeah, so hey, let's call her, see if we can tell her she got the voucher.

They probably already did it for her, though.

Well, and tell her to go to a hotel.

Hang on a minute.

You've got to find out which is the nearest hotel to there so that she goes to the desk.

Then we call her back after she's gone to the desk and realize that there is no fucking together.

They won't let her in.

All right, let me look.

Cancun Airport Hotel.

So we're going to call her.

We're going to send her to the airport.

Send her to the hotel.

She's going to go to the hotel, realize that it doesn't work.

We're going to call the hotel, fuck with the hotel.

Tell them that she's coming.

All right.

Okay, I'm down.

I'm down.

We'll call nice again.

This one seems to be at the airport, actually.

You know, sometimes they have a hotel in the airport.

No, this one's a little further down.

Shit.

Yeah, but maybe she'll get a shuttle.

Maybe she'll be able to get a shuttle.

I don't know.

All right, so this is the closest one.

It's right by the airport.

It is the courtyard at Cancun Airport.

The courtyard at Cancun Airport.

Yeah.

So let's give her a call and do that.

Jin, you want to take it? You do, because you've got the, you know, I've told you before, you're really good with the corporate.

Okay, so you're right. So hang on a second. So I'm sending her to the Cancun airport.

So who am I calling from? Who's the company? I'm from what? United?

United Airlines.

Yes, so I'm from United Airlines, and we want to tell her that she can stay at the courtyard.

Yeah, we have a voucher for her to pick up at the United desk for her to be able to stay at the courtyard.

yard okay right so she has to go to the nearest united desk yes and give them a fucking a number

or something yeah we'll give her a phone and tell her maybe we can get her to stay on the phone

while she goes there you know give us some really fucking weird number yeah yeah okay all right here

we go patricia how about you give her a voucher for spirit air instead some cheap please leave

leave your message for

all that planning great idea we had one

I think the last Sunday there was

someone stuck on in the plane on the

tarmac begging you please leave your

message for

that would have been great that's a

shame damn shame right all right well

here's the next one what's the next one

it's a Comcast someone's pissed off a

Comcast that's all I got here I'll try

to open it up

Bubba from customer service

Yeah

Sorry the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail

Set up your voicemail

Coming up next we have stuff for sale including including Chris with a K

Who has a free

Free ping-pong table.

Lucho, lucho.

What is ping-pong?

Paca Pico.

Lucho, lucho, marico.

You marico?

You marico.

Sorry, the person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box.

All right, here we go to the free ping-pong table.

Any of you want it?

Scream.

Yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it.

You got it, Jim.

This is in Hawaii.

Oh.

Get your back getting somebody else's free ping-pong table.

You need help.

I want to use it as an operation.

Aloha, you've reached Christian Kingwell.

Did you say it's an operating table?

That's funny.

What's up?

I need a new surgery theatre.

Exactly, exactly.

I want to start building robots with people.

Then they came and killed them.

Yeah, you gave them the pinball machine parts.

Yeah.

Aloha, you've reached Christian Kingwell.

Aloha!

How do they say goodbye in Hawaii?

What the fuck is that? You say aloha, hello,

Hello, aloha, goodbye.

It's like ciao.

That's so fucking confusing.

Yeah, you can say mahalo, which is more like thank you, I think.

I guess it's simplified there.

What do we got here now?

A shared house by the beach for $475.

It's 1,100 square foot.

I don't know what that is.

Damn, that's the Johnson.

I don't know what that is in meters.

That's tiny.

And you got to split it for 500 bucks a month.

Hey, how's it going, Ted, Webb, and Jen?

Hey, how you doing?

What's better with you?

Soup, money, and shit.

Money to the la la la.

People are liking that Linda Blair video in the last 20 hours.

It's got 300 hits.

Really?

It's good.

It's a good subject.

She's big with the horror people.

Even though I think she got real upset about the movie in the end and she denounced it.

She swore she never said the things, the dirty things.

But she had to move her mouth to say them.

Like, suck your father's cock in hell.

Or just the dead mother.

Why you leave me?

I'm scared.

I forgot the name of your father.

I have no more lemon, please.

Hello?

Yeah, you got a shared house by the beach?

Yep.

What beach is it by?

You know where Web Pulley Beach is?

Is that the clothing optional beach?

Good, good.

No, it's in Kapaha.

I got a small pecker.

How many people are sleeping here already?

None right now.

None right now?

So I'm not going to...

Well, I mean, everybody's going to move out,

but you're going to be sharing it with a lot of people probably.

Are they...

unless you unless you get the whole place to yourself but i don't know how much you i'm gonna

get i'm gonna share with my friends i got a guy from britain he's a fruit he's gonna be coming

down here okay i got a my friend from britain he's a fruitcake he's gonna be staying here with

us okay i'll put him on if you don't believe me no problem all right so who am i gonna be who

we're gonna be sharing with like asian people or what idea all right depending who else rents

I don't want any kanakas, you know?

I don't know, man.

Are you a kanaka?

Yeah.

Oh, shit, that's disgusting.

And you've been living there now?

Yeah.

Did you use the toilet there?

No.

No, I go outside.

All right.

Is there good parking for a submarine there?

Yeah, no.

I don't know if this is talking out for you.

You don't think so?

Well, maybe it's for my friend.

Hey, friend.

You tell him.

See if it's for you.

Hi.

Hey, Dan.

Hello.

Yeah, how are you?

Hey.

Just, we're talking about the space, right?

We want to get some space so that we can live there.

Sure.

Yeah.

So, but what about, you know, the conditions?

I don't know.

I can't really understand you.

I don't know.

Well, that's because you're an idiot.

Really?

Yeah.

If you can't understand me, you're stupid because I speak your language.

Okay.

Yeah?

Tell me about the conditions.

What's the condition of rent?

I don't know what you mean by that.

I mean, when do I have to pay you or do I have to do little favours like, you know, stick my finger in your bum or something?

Would you like that?

No.

It sounded like you would enjoy that.

You just had a little giggle.

I thought maybe, you know, just a little finger up there.

You ever done that?

Calls (49, 1 h 52 min of 3 h 8 min)

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