You’re Fruity

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Maybeth, the evening.

Attendants and fans watching around the line.

Everybody.

Time machine.

Look, man.

Time machine.

We're in the time machine now, motherfucker.

Tick tock, tick tock.

Yeah, man.

Get your arms out and let's rock.

We're going back to 1985 and then 1955 and back to 1985 and then 2015.

and back to 1985

and then back to 1955

and then 1855

and then back to 1985.

Yeah, whatever.

No, I think Back to the Future 3

was 1885, not 1855.

All right, then.

Let's get into the prank calls.

Let's get into the number machines.

Right, man?

You excited about that?

Let's get you a lift, Milkman,

for your big fat ass.

Your big fat ass.

Time to get lifted, man.

We got some Dutch treats tonight.

You got your big fat fucking ass

ass of yours that you got on you that big fat lazy ass but that's the title of one of our cds

how's your fat ass doing you came up with that name motherfucking fat ass

named after you first call of the night yeah get it on baby dutch tree and after patch there we go

let me second oh boy big soundtrack too i got it i got it

are you talking shit let's call myself let's try to call this one i had a space in there

I had a Spaces in there.

Spaces in the machine.

Hello?

You looking for a lift chair?

Hello?

Anybody there?

Oh, man.

Damn it.

Glang, glang, glang, glang, glang.

Retention all units.

This is Sergeant Stadino.

Bullshit.

Retention all units.

All right, here's a number for some dresses.

We are changing from a code three direct pursuit.

I need someone to help dress me in the morning.

Hey, I'm in tiny chat.

Tinychat.com slash prank call nation.

Yeah.

Tiny Miller.

Hey, you got these two.

You still got those two dressers there, Hoss.

Three dressers, you want to say?

Three or two?

Or two, yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, you're not selling it at your wife?

That's my mom.

She sell them.

Oh, does she own them or just come across them?

Huh?

Does she just own them or come across them?

Just come across them, baby.

Oh, okay.

All right.

So what kind of wood is it?

Do you know cherry wood, oak?

Do you know at all?

Berry or old crow.

Oh, I don't know.

Here, let me let you talk.

I'll tell you more when I can.

All right.

Here she is.

All right.

They're kind of like a light color.

They're not oak.

Oh.

You, hey, you old crow, what do you mean?

They're white.

What do you mean, you old crow?

What do you mean by that?

They're, they're not, they're not oak.

Oh, they're not oak?

Okay.

No, I don't know if they're cherry or, um, they look like, uh, a pecan color, but they're

all wood.

They're, like, old.

Oh, yeah?

They're in good state.

Yeah, they've got, like, knobs.

It's got wood knobs, you know, with metal around them.

Yeah, all right.

No scratches from any pets on the bottom, on the feet of it, or anything like that?

Well, there's some scratches on the top of it.

It used to be it had glass on top, but they've got places on it, which can be, they're not deep or nothing.

Oh, so this was yours.

This was yours.

Yeah, they're mine.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

But the mirror that you mean is the one, like, to look at yourself when you get dressed and get ready, right?

Yeah, there's one.

I got two dresses with mirrors.

Like on a swivel?

On a swivel kind of deal?

No, they're not those.

It's got a round mirror, and it's got, like, each side has a strip.

Yeah.

Oh.

It looks like a step.

Yeah.

But it's got a mirror.

So is that what you use when you would get dressed, and you would use that to look at yourself, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So you saw your naked breasts on there

and your vagina hairs and everything?

Look at this guy.

Naked breasts on there.

Hello?

Apparently, apparently she didn't have any breasts.

She had a mastectomy?

Mammectomy.

Her must be like an A-cup.

Did you hear this?

He said naked breasts.

Naked breasts.

And we'll get back to you soon as possible.

so all right whatever and i can't believe it he didn't even buy the drawers he just

wouldn't talk about naked breast this is on the phone what the fuck is going on um here's someone

i don't know if you know what this is maybe a kind of tool it says an iso 5 or 6 foot disc

harrow the fuck is that what iso i guess it's international standard organization

characterization five or six foot disc harrow h-a-r-r-o-w you ever know you know what a harrow

is harrow harrow harrow is that like let me look that up that's not like a piece of farm equipment

is it this car let's see what how much is the price does it say hey hang on mister it's a farm

implement that's used to cultivate the soil but i thought okay i was right then so that's like

got the wheels and things on it it's like a kind of got round wheel deal thing on it yeah yeah kind

of yeah and it churns up the motherfuckers yeah that's it right that's the ticket i'm not

mistaken it has several of them in a row so that's what so they're five or six foot in diameter those

wheels are like you see them dragging across the ground yeah these all the way yeah yeah yeah i

I think they use those, like, on combines.

Those big, giant, like, harvesting machines.

You know, they're big as a dump truck.

Those combines, I think that's one of the tools they pull along with it.

Yeah, I see you're selling a disc harrow.

So we're looking for one.

You're looking for one?

Good.

I've got four of them, motherfuckers.

I got five and six.

I got four of them each.

Hold on one second.

Barely use these motherfuckers, are you?

Yes, sir.

them yes sir yeah i got some disc harrow motherfuckers over here if you're looking for

them what size you have i got five six and seven feet i got four of each of one of them i got them

from all over the place yeah i stole them from all over where you at i'm i'm in a bull's gap but

i can come out to you if you're somewhere else you know you want to come you want to look at

the harrows you want to try them out see if they work you know you touch them all sexually who is

this billy yeah really no billy billy who billy mirror yeah and i got the halls the harrell you

looking for uh harrells how many you need how many you need just one just one just one gift

you're a farmer what do you farm soybeans no i plant gardens oh that's gay that's pretty fruity

i don't know who you are but you you sound pretty fruity i'm not fruity you're using a five or six

six-foot harrow to do a garden?

Are you insane?

You're the one who says fruity.

You're the one who's fruity, motherfucker.

Oh, fruity.

Fruity, fruity.

Oh, fruity.

Womp-bom-ba-loom-ba-la-ba-la-ba.

Womp-bom-ba-loom-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Fruity, isn't that your favorite flavor ice cream, your mama?

Hey, there's a title for your episode, one of them.

Two to four.

I think you're...

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic...

Fruity.

All right.

well um anyway this is madhouse radio where we do prank calls like the one you just heard

man is the co-host of the show for too long now his contract uh been in a contract dispute here

for the last two years it's been tough it's been a tough contract dispute between his people and

my people we're still working on it and hopefully you know work it out for our 10-year anniversary

show yeah are you excited about that milkman dude uh my people been talking with yours and i think

remover closer to becoming an agreement that it sounds like a fantastic episode yet to be had

and 10 years has been a long time of slavery and being unpaid all these years you know not having

any wages to show for my dedicated services i i know that you folks will compensate me man so

i have faith man it's going to be a great great 10-year anniversary man just please talk to your

your lawyers and let's get this thing moving along man well here's the here's i need help

that's part of why we're taking a break from the prank calls just to explain things but yes i need

assistance but real quick before we do that madhouse live.com is my website that's where

you can subscribe to the podcast of this show if you haven't already subscribed if this happens to

be your first time listening live welcome uh you can join a chat room that we've got established

You can head over to the chat link on madhouselive.com

or just head over to prankcallnation.com,

which is where I've got a network that we've created here

between a whole extremely talented group of prank callers.

We have shows on all week long, every night pretty much.

Something's going on.

I think Monday's our break night.

Monday's the night that we take a break.

Yeah, I usually end up closing the week on Sunday.

Poop time.

Yeah, and then Poop Time is on, Party Time Poop Time with Matt.

Matt, your favorite show.

Matt Heliak.

Heliak, as you would pronounce in Spanish.

Listen, yeah, again, that's Prank Call Nation.

We also have, listen, some people are confused.

Yeah, there is a main PCN podcast out there.

But you can also go, if you just want to get like, let's say, Dwight's shows only,

you can go to the Dwight show page at the PCN site.

And that podcast link there, that RSS link, is specifically for Dwight's show only.

So you only want to get, like, let's say you don't like a certain host for one reason or another.

You know, you can listen to everything except for that one host.

You could do that.

There's a whole bunch of options.

I've got to do a better job.

We've got to do a better job of making that more clear.

Maybe it's not necessarily you don't like a certain host.

It's maybe you just want to only listen to certain episodes from certain hosts.

but i am working on a redesign here and uh it's going to showcase the hosts a little bit better

on the site so basically what the pc insight will do is it's going to funnel people to all the hosts

their own youtube pages and podcasts that they have hosted on the pc insight unless they have

it on their own like me or brad or dialer it's gonna be really cool yeah man fucking house mad

Mad motherfucking house.

Yeah, but when I said I needed help, that's what I need.

We're going to do a...

We're about six weeks out from a anniversary show.

Ten-year anniversary show.

And what I'm planning on doing is a 12-hour mini-marathon by myself.

12 hours straight live.

Doing pranks and hopefully talking and doing pranks to people from the history of Madhouse.

Going all the way to the beginning in 2005.

In July of 2005.

What I need is help.

Well, A, if you know someone that you remember, if you're one of those,

there's a lot of people, Milkman, who have listened to this show,

like they found us in 2009, went all the way back in the archives to 05 and caught up.

You know what I mean?

There's some people who still do that now.

Like they just pick a year and listen to the whole year.

Because every show is there and it's free.

I don't charge for my archives of shows.

I love them.

I never will.

will i swear i will never ever gets the board i'm charging for you to come to my website listen

at my pranks or any of my shows ever i will never do a paywall system i hate the idea of that and

maybe i'm shooting myself in the in the ass now for saying that um 10 years from now but i i hope

i never get to that point where i would do something like that that's bullshit but anyway

i need assistance what i really need is someone who can help i need one person who has really

I have really good skills, especially with social engineering, slightly enough, or contacts with social engineering, to help me coordinate all the people, the list of people that I've drawn up that I want to join the show, that 12-hour show.

And the list, the beginning of the show starts with those years, 2005, 2006, when we were on PCN.

So I want, I'm extending invitations to a bunch of people.

And some of them I'll email.

When we're on PCU.

we're on PCU

did I say PCN

sorry PCU

they all

it's all whatever

it's all PC piece of crap

yeah

piece of shit

is what it is

all of them

down to the PC

and PC

piece of shit

and

um

where was I

so yeah

I would

PC

starting in 2005

2006

we need somebody

to get

coordinate

and help us

sociologically

connect with

some of those people

in that area

moving around

yeah

so there will

hopefully be like

an hour or 90 minute

section where it's just let's say in the beginning uh the beginning of that and it'll be me dr lego

zolar and katie k just all of us shooting the shit and doing prank calls together you know i

mean i would love so yeah now some of the days yeah there's all these other co-hosts like you

know we want to get tuck involved on on the next part because he he came around you know he was

around and we want to get uh jen stewart you know for a little bit also because he came around

around that time in the era yeah yeah yeah all all the way through syndicate i want to extend

an invitation to dino from syndicate radio and anyone else jonathan from syndicate radio he's

always in touch with me and maybe have him on thank the fans and listeners like he used to always say

his fans and listeners he's just a caller he's like oh thank all my fans and listeners like

you didn't even have a show well i love that guy he was great all the way up until now the dead

Some of our people that we had, like, let's go.

Big Will.

Yeah, so, okay.

So I can call personally a lot of these people or email them because I'm still in contact with them.

But we need to get a hold of KDK.

I don't have a contact number for him.

And KDK relations between me, our relations have thawed a lot, but they're still a bit cold.

But I'm sure if I extended a nice invitation to him, maybe he'd make an appearance.

At least the invite would go out.

You know, like David Letterman sent an invite to Jay Lennon to be on his last show, and vice versa.

I would like to do that.

Is he still on air?

No, I don't think so.

But he's out there.

I mean, he's alive.

The guy isn't dead.

We need to find Reclude.

I have Reclude's, like, name and the area he lives in.

I'm sure we could find a way to figure out, you know, how to get a hold of Reclude to get him to come back for that show.

I can't imagine doing that without Reclude if we're going to do a whole, you know, retrospective.

There should be a whole Reclude hour.

is absolutely integral man because from the early days dude he's he's one of the early masters

and so what i'm kind of saying is what i'm looking for is someone who can as really good

time management skills to help me plan that out and coordinate with people skyping in at the right

time you know what i mean for a certain block of time and and the next person and also getting a

hold of these people because i have a whole list of people i guess i formally want to send them

invites you know to be a part of this big show i'm not we're not doing anything live we're not

that big of a community that we can do like a live show in a hotel or with a bunch of people coming

but i can do a long ass half marathon on my own and i can try to get as many people from

the history of the show i mean i mean i can definitely probably get lego and zolar to appear

you know come on for a while jen will but it would be awesome to have like i said katie k

K, Reclude, people like that.

Maybe we could find...

KDK and Reclude, yeah.

Those two there would be really nice to have.

I'd love to hear KDK.

I know he hasn't been around for a while,

but him and I made up on the air a couple years ago, too.

I don't got no hard feelings with KDK.

We joke around a lot, but fuck, hell no.

He's still bro, man.

I'd still be glad to hear him, too, man.

Yeah, and then we go, you know,

the last part is just going to be all PCN,

because it's big.

Everything's grown exponentially since there,

That's the direction we'll all end up at

Because that's the timeline

So all the PCN crew

Can jump in at that point

It's going to be awesome if we can pull it off

I'm looking for one person to get a hold of me

There's a few segments I have planned

There's going to be a game

A game show based on Madhouse

The show history

I've got two contestants already

I'm going to vet for one more

We're going to get it to go

But I need one person

who just come to me and say,

hey, look, I'm really good with time management

and I can give a stab at getting a hold of all these people

and coordinating with them.

And again, that's going to be Thursday, July 16th.

I already talked to Sloth and he said

that it was okay if I take that night.

So we're going to have that whole day.

It's going to be from noon Eastern

until midnight on Thursday, July 16th.

So we're about six weeks out, I believe.

Six or seven.

Six and a half, five and a half, I don't know.

Something like that.

Mid-July.

All right, Milkman?

Are you ready for that?

Wow, dude, man.

I'm getting ready now.

Yeah.

Anyway, and a quick reminder, I am on TinyChat.

TinyChat.com slash PrankCallNation.

Milkman, if you had bandwidth, you could go there and jerk off.

Dude, if I could, man, I would be over there.

I would be in the chat right now.

I'd be in 98.6.

I'm lucky I'm here.

Yeah.

Oh, here's another one.

See, look, someone's mentioning on Facebook, bring back Crazy Fucker.

yes we can track down crazy fucker i know his name and we know he had a verizon phone number

not too long ago but he wouldn't so also you know he's not absolutely that far from me either that

fucking crazy fucker we need to get back in touch with him yeah yeah if this this person would also

be able to help us we need yeah do we we gotta try at least try to get crazy fuck around for a

little bit right yeah yeah anyone who has any suggestions yeah what what what about some of

the other dudes like from from the in-between times like madman like madman say i don't remember

his name i don't remember madman's name he just disappeared off the planet yeah so this is bad

that we've fucking been out here so long that we got to scratch our head to remember man how about

prank master do we do we do we invite prank master on for a little bit what do you think i don't give

a fuck prank master come on and talk about the raft or not i mean that was funny shit dude i mean

Hey, come on, how awesome would it be to be doing the show, and we have Lego, Zolar, KDK, and then we add Prankmaster into the mix, just to reminisce all that stuff.

All of it, right, right.

You know what I mean?

From then to now, you know, how much has changed, you know, where you're at nowadays.

Clay's reminding me of Monkey Phone.

Yeah, yeah, we can reach out to the Monkey Phone kids.

They're on my Facebook still.

Those kids there, I would love, because now, dude, they would be like older dudes now, man.

yeah they're grown up that's awesome i was like if they might have any of their old calls we got

to try hollywood vanya we got to try to get a hold of him coordinate with him we got a lot of

fucking any of their calls kdk has on his site he still has some hosted calls and i think he has

some for them there's some monkey phone calls you want to hear one let me let me go check

yeah anyone listen great mark and mark and matt and mike matt and mark yeah if you guys want to

to see like when we first started you go to kdkprankcalls.com this site has barely changed

since i first started in 2005 it's not i mean the the graphics everything everything the design

has not changed since then um very yeah very microsoft word looking um hang on where it is

it hosted pranks all right and they go by monkey fun all right look there's numbers here by fat

At Dis, Sean Ward.

Sean Ward, there's another one.

Yeah, Sean Ward, what about him, man?

We did the Comic-Con thing there, man.

All right.

So was one of them Joop?

Did he go by the name Joop?

Is that right?

Joop.

That was Mark.

Mark was Joop.

Monkey phone Mark, a.k.a. Joop.

Okay.

All right.

Here's a random one called I'm a Dead Man.

Let's see.

Better be good, Joop.

About 12, 13, I think, then.

I think, yeah.

I'll write that.

Below 23.

Hi, Sophia, man.

Oh, what?

There's no fear there.

Yeah, maybe she is, but who are you?

My name is Jared Goldstein.

Yeah, nice pick name.

Why don't you give me your real name?

Jared Goldstein.

This is Brandon?

Yes.

This is Brandon, huh?

Yes.

This sounds like shit.

Sorry.

Yeah, it is.

You want to fuck up your family?

You want to fuck up your friends?

Oh, shit.

You're so angry.

You just fucked with someone you don't want to be friends with.

You can ask Brandon.

I'll tell you what.

Next time you see Brandon, you better tell him to watch his fucking back.

him and then he's gonna give me a name i'm gonna get your fucking name i'm gonna show up on your

fucking doorstep all right pussy that's definitely him but i don't know why he's talking like that

the hell is this well remember dude like the audio we was using like was like 32 i think back

in i think that's all that was done at my art teacher is gay let's try this one

my art teachers that's a 404 for that one oh what else nelson could be like 22 years old now

Yeah, man. His voice would be different, too.

Yeah, he probably sounds like a man now.

Here's, uh...

There's one called

Nigger Goop Kike Faggot.

Yo, nigga. Nigga.

This is what I'm saying,

my nigga. Alright, here's

what I'm getting at.

You know those fucking dykes, they're just

coming up in here, touching up

on all the faggots here.

You know who this is, you faggot.

I'll come up there and I'll fucking rape

your whole family. I'll rape your whole family so bad. Hey man, you shut your fucking mouth

while I'm speaking to you. I'll take a dump right on your chest. Craig Sputengimer. Sputengimer.

And you better fucking hang up after one minute of this shit, because it's already been 50

seconds and I'm going to hang up on you in 10 seconds because you're a fucking cunt and

you're a fucking kike and a gook at the same time, nigga.

So that kid's like 22, 23 now probably.

He was like 12, 13.

Do you remember why?

Because you could do these calls and you had one minute before the service would cut out.

That's what that was.

Remember?

You had one minute to do whatever service we was doing.

I remember this shit.

You had one minute of free time or whatever to say, whatever to find, and then it cut off.

There were Sprint cards or something where you could sign up by email.

I think because Lonesome used to get like tons of them.

like you'd sign up on email for like all these little phone cards like 20 minute phone cards

that's what it was playing the countdown game you gotta do all your joke man within one minute

and that was it i remember this i remember things of this nature yeah all right well hell there

wasn't void back in yet there was no void yet we were doing this shit with basically with like

phone cards and like holding the fucking phone up you know to the earpiece and shit man when we

we first started yeah we were still doing it because skype was really unreliable at that time

there wasn't skype yet skype had been invented when we first started skype came out around 2002

2003 they weren't talking about it it wasn't it wasn't viable in any way it wasn't being used

anyway it wasn't viable because it was really crappy but it was out it was getting there voip

existed but it wasn't it wasn't feasible because it took up all your upload bandwidth bandwidth

bandwidth was so shitty up being that it wasn't usable by us i mean like you remember when the

best internet you could usually get was cable internet and it was four megs down and less than

one meg up you know back then so if you were running like you know your phone your voice

call on that plus your shoutcast stream and then you got your chat going and any message forget it

yeah yeah it screwed up all the freaking time yeah for a while i tried getting one of those

Vonage boxes

I was like

Oh I'm gonna do

The Vonage thing

For the show

The day that I tried

Doing the Vonage thing

The internet

The upload bandwidth

Just crapped out

And it sounded like

Every call sounded like

Things were underwater

The shellcast

Would get cut off

Yeah man

Remember when

First Skype came out

It would like

Reset all your

Fucking drivers

On your

On your computer

And like fucking

None of your audio

Worked or anything

Remember that shit

That would just

Fucking get

It would take over

Your mic level

And it would keep

Adjusting it

And you would

Hit the setting

Not to

and it kept doing it all

kinds of weird shit with that

when it first came out and then the thing was you had to do the opposite i remember for a while if

you didn't want it to control your shit you would left it checked to control the shit and it wouldn't

it was so fucked up

it was weird

now it's

stable

back then

that's why

I hated it so bad

I called it sky piss

sky piss

I still

it's still written

everywhere

everything I got

ID still says sky piss

I still

still got memories

but anyway

remember gizmo

we were using gizmo

remember that

I used gizmo

then google bought gizmo

and then

I lost my credits

that I had with them

listen

real quick before I forget

we gotta do some more

prank calls milkman

but if you are interested

me and see if you have the time and think you might be able to help me out with the anniversary

show um uh either send me an email drop me an email at madhouse radio at gmail.com or hit me

up on a private message in the chat room sometime with a email address that i can get back to you at

um let me know any of you who think you're up to and also if you think that you could participate

Participate in a contest over the phone for some type of prize, as yet to be unannounced or unallocated.

Some type of prize for winning a trivia contest, a Madhouse trivia contest.

And we have two contestants already.

We need a third to do that.

And I'm already about, not even a quarter through with the questions.

I've got a few questions written down, but I've got to do plenty more, plenty more.

But I've got a good idea.

Anyway, get with me, all right?

Please, email or private message someone.

A lot of ground to be covered there, man.

Oh, man, we're going to fail so bad.

What about Big Will, man?

Have we ever talked to him?

Is he still around?

I still talk to him here and there.

He's still in Orlando.

I reach out to him sometimes.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, totally.

What about Clone Homegrown, dude?

Is he still around?

I haven't heard from him forever, dude, like years and years.

What about Andy, man?

And is he still talking to the heterosexual world?

Yeah, I still talk to Andy.

He's a Mason now.

And we're in the union, and he's got a baby on the way.

Oh, okay.

I think the dude needs some time in the winter.

I forget when exactly.

But, yeah, he's got a...

I guess the trucking business is treating him good then, man.

Yep, keep talking about the trucking that he never did, ever did the trucking.

I don't care.

He's not mine.

Dude, it's a trivia question right there.

How many years has Andy been trucking?

Andy has spoken for us, sir.

Hello?

Spoken for us.

I thought maybe we would about bring a couple of those guys on for a couple of minutes.

No.

Goats for sale coming up.

We'll message at the beep.

Yeah, we'll message at the beep.

Yeah, bud.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm looking at your ad here, Hoss.

You got some goats for sale?

Yeah.

What can you tell me about them goats?

Well, they're boars.

Boar goats.

Yeah, my nanny's in this park boar.

work uh but the daddy is a little ghost he's a hundred percent and he's your big bull goat all

right i'm gonna be killing them probably is that a problem huh i'm gonna be killing them probably

is that a problem we kill them yeah i'm gonna be killing them yeah after i buy them oh okay

is that a problem or yeah i don't i don't know i mean they're mine to do with with what i pleased

right and i want to kill yeah yeah that's right i'll make some goat meat you know i'll make some

goat yeah goat yeah goat chicken kofta uh it's an indian dish uh goat korma oh so delicious nice

yeah they say it is i've never eaten it they say it's good oh all right so how much for them how

much for one of them goats what's your cheapest goat i'm gonna kill that one right there in the

the car after i pick it up i'm gonna stretch the little ones are just two months old yeah uh i'll

kick that one around before i kill it i'll kick it around first you'd have to grow it out you know

you'd have to grow them some more i can cook a little bit of meat off of that little baby goat

no yeah uh what about the ed you said his name is ed hey well you said you have one named ed

No.

No?

I haven't heard his name yet.

Oh, but you said the last one you talked, I thought you said his name is Ed.

He's a billy goat.

You got a billy goat, right?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

So, yeah, the older one, I want to, yeah, I want to punch him and kick him,

and then I'm going to strangle him.

He's about, I'd say 150 pounds, probably.

Yeah, so I can punch him and kick him, right?

What would you want to do that for?

I want the meat.

Oh.

punch him and kick him and slap him in the face you know yeah yeah and then say yeah you have the

meat where's the meat i'm gonna tell him and when he goes man i'm gonna tell him shut up i'll back

hand him in the face yeah there's supposed to be another boy with me tomorrow he's talking about

buying all no fuck him fuck him i'm buying them all tonight well i'll have to check and see what

he said no shit damn it i'll whatever he's paying i'll pay more he's uh and i want to kill him i

I want to kill them all.

I want to send them all to animal hell.

I'm going to sacrifice one of them for Lord Satan.

Hey, you can't make with me more.

Let me see what he says.

Well, if you have another one, like, I want to just sacrifice it to Lord Satan, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, like, I have my woman.

She lays down.

You can hear her right now.

My woman lays down, and we cut the goat over her, and the blood comes down on her, you know?

And if she masturbates, and she's got the goat blood all over her, and she masturbates and has an orgasm?

Yeah, I don't think I will say you no goat.

Well, it's my business what I do with the motherfucking goat after I get the motherfucker.

After I have done bought it from you.

What does he have against goats?

I don't know.

What's his problem?

What does he have against satanic goat sacrifices?

Goat's head suit.

Dustburner did ask me if I like the Galaxy Edge.

Yes, I like my Galaxy Edge.

I recommend the Edge screen.

It has come in useful, and I like it.

It looks nice.

It feels nice in the hand.

Any of those other Galaxy phones that are coming out now with Edge screens?

I don't know.

Here's someone who had a family yard sale.

Let's call them about that family yard sale and see if we can get some more.

Hey, Hermano, I'll tell you who I'd like to hear.

Your mom.

Hermano.

What, who?

Hey, go ahead.

Who?

Okay, my bandwidth's dropping out.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I hear you.

Yeah.

yeah can we get lonesome loser to come on oh he's shy i don't think he'll come you know he's talked

on the air before he's talked to us before well maybe he'll come on the alien come on the air i

don't know if i could never mind i thought it'd be funny if he came on he's talked to me before

you think so i think he would i did he's talked to me i mean you talked to him right yeah i have

yeah yeah yeah i don't know i thought it'd be fucking hilarious because like we're gonna have

have new new on new new committed already so we got that to look forward to well there you go you

see that's been hard contracts right there man it's been real hard negotiations with his crew

so if we can get him bring the lonesome loser on dude like man people just don't understand or even

how know how much we love the lonesome loser yes sir yes sir all right someone is looking for

Or an electric dryer.

Wait a minute.

No, you interrupted me.

I was still going to do this one.

Bastard.

Sorry, I interrupted you.

You interrupted me, you monkey.

Bollocks.

All right, here's someone looking for an electric dryer.

In good shape, preferably for a decent price.

In need of it bad.

How about you hang your stuff outside, right?

Oh, it's been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

I will try again.

It's been forwarded.

All right, here's the next one.

This is a guy who's got a Harley Davidson and a bunch of other shit for sale.

reached bob and shirley again all right i give up on that last one off of this list and we'll move

on i'm gonna say man that little bunch right there's not popping much i know i know the guy

trying to get rid of some trees hello yes hello you got some trees there that you're trying to

get rid of i think they got pranked already i had shared these numbers with someone earlier

and i think they were accused of something with the trees i remember now all right now i go to

Go to the map.

Now I go to the map.

I can't cross that.

That's them, dude.

Milkman, prepare yourself.

I'm calling a Hilton Hotel.

Double tree by the Hilton Hotel.

Yeah.

They're open 24 hours a day.

Which one?

The main one.

Okay.

They got heat.

They got rooms with heat.

That room's got a real nice room, dude.

That's only about, like, eight minutes from where I'm at right now.

I can be there in eight minutes.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling the Fresno Double Tree.

This is Kai speaking.

How can I help you?

Yes.

Hi, boy.

How are you?

I'm doing okay.

How about yourself?

I like to make an order.

In order for what, sir?

One heat.

I think you got the wrong number.

This is a Doubletree Hotel.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a guest here, and I need one heat in my room.

What do you mean, one heat?

One heat.

You're not a guest here because you're not calling from the room.

I'm calling from my cell phone.

Okay, what do you mean, one heat?

Your phones here are monitored and tapped, so I don't use them.

I mean, the room needs one heat.

Stoop.

Stoop!

We seem to have lost this guy, man.

What the hell?

Is he an idiot or what?

Steven Aspinwall notified that the tree lady yelled at him a few days ago.

I mean, hell, all rooms should come.

A few days ago, Steven Aspinwall got yelled at.

You didn't have to order it.

It should come with it.

Thank you for calling the Fresno Double Tree by Hilton.

This is Kai speaking.

How can I help you?

The room should come with heat.

We shouldn't have to be ordering it, sir.

What's your room number, sir?

Milkman, what's the room number?

115.

There's no 115.

Here we go with the bullshit, boy.

I told you, 2115.

2115.

That's the toilet, Milkman.

man i knew i was gonna be too short a number for that okay can you go to the door and tell me what

number is on the outside and i'll let you know what it is yeah looking for the next place stand

by please i can't get up we got one call with zolar did and like i was in the bathtub in the

bathtub yeah remember that baby said like he was like paralyzed he's in the bathtub

i remember he called from the stern show gary the retard with his girl voice and told him that

um miss howard stern that he was miss howard stern and that zolar had kidnapped her and

chained her to her in this bathroom he did that on the show and i guess i remember that i remember

that that was a big deal he was he was all up about her early on and when we first met him he

he was so stern andrea yeah andrea yeah so he had pictures and shit with her and everything man oh

yeah man like yeah he was so howard stern back in those days because like he had a chance to go on

with stern because this was back before he was actually on satellite radio yet he was still

in the in-between area he had the channels but wasn't um released from cbs until right this is

of that gray area man and like zolar actually was in a position where he could have you know

maybe got somewhere with it man actually he got a test show yeah he got a test show and they never

kept him on and there was like some animosity but anyway listen so this is friday on a friday

night show he calls gary the retard says um he's andrea miss iron stern chain zolar's bathroom

help me gary believes it calls unless i'm i'm at work listening to the stern show on the next

Monday, and Gary's

calling about Andrea being chained in

Zolar's bathroom, and they put him on

and he's like, yeah, Zolar called me!

No, Andrea, Miss

Harvester called me and said she's chained in

Zolar's bathroom! And they were like all laughing

at him, like, what are you talking about?

For real, what are you talking

about? And someone

came and said, no, we just talked to Andrea, she's fine,

she doesn't know what he's talking about. It's pretty

funny. Good times, right?

Zolar pulled a prank, a great prank,

and then of course there's kdk hell yeah what gary the retard was on the network with us at

one time yeah there was kdk on the stern show remember yeah and he fucked uh transsexual

yeah the bisexual post-op transsexual thing get it right yeah let's listen to that right now let's

see if i can find that all right uh now we have a bunch of things together i'm gonna find a spot

where i have probably gonna come in about a minute i don't know about that well so you went

And what you did was prepare yourself with a dildo or something?

Yeah, just for my own sake so that I'm loose and I'm ready to give them the juice.

And you put KY and everything in there?

No, I use Lily of the Desert 99% certified organic aloe vera jelly.

It's the best lube in the world.

All right, let me hear if this is successful.

Is he laying on the bed?

Hopefully he is.

I'm in the bathroom.

All right, hurry up.

Let's go.

Time is money.

I'm going to follow her into the bathroom, Howard.

Where is Katie Kay?

He's in the bedroom laying down, supposedly erect.

He's been getting fluffed.

We're walking through the kitchen now.

I'm right behind Siobhan.

She's fully nude.

Oh, is it?

Walking into the bedroom.

Oh, my God.

He is erect.

Uh-oh.

There might be a touchdown here.

Oh, my God.

Let me speak to Siobhan and Katie Kay.

Put the phone near them.

Okay.

Guys, Howard wants to talk to you.

He's putting the rubber on right now.

Let me talk to Katie Kay.

Okay, KDK, how's it going?

Hey, Howard.

All right, you think he can go through with this?

Yeah, but it better be right away.

He's totally naked in front.

I'll talk to you while he does it.

Does he look like a woman at all to you?

She's moving up my cock and she's about to...

All right, let's see if it happens, Robin.

Let's see if Siobhan is...

Here we go.

All right, let's see.

Oh, my.

I'm completely erect.

What's happening?

That's Richard, I think.

We had a pop-out.

Does it feel like a woman there?

Yeah, it does.

It feels like a woman.

Is it tight?

Yeah.

And is he riding you?

I think Richard's throwing up.

Let me speak to Richard.

I'm just trying to keep my mind up.

Let me speak to Richard.

Richard.

What's going on?

Oh, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Let me talk to Siobhan real quick, and then let me talk back to you.

Siobhan.

How are we supposed to talk to you?

Hold on.

He's trying to get me into a weird position.

What position are you in now?

I don't want to get on my back.

Cause.

Get on your back.

Are you on top?

Oh, he lost it.

He lost it.

He lost his arousal.

Oh, my God.

I said it's done.

Oh, my God.

It was going so great.

And then all of a sudden, it's just like a spare tire.

Let me speak to him.

I'll find out what happened.

No, it's not going to get hard again for like a while.

Let me speak to him.

Here, here.

Hello.

What went wrong?

It's like he got a leak in his tire.

He must have opened his eyes, Robin.

Oh, geez.

That wasn't a good move.

So he's soft again.

again uh it didn't work out but he did it he went through with it i mean he was in there and they

were going at it hard and heavy what happened why do you think it all went away did he open his eyes

i well he said it was from you know trying to talk on the phone while he was doing it i see

i thought you needed a distraction with that so here's what happened milkman i don't know if you

you remember the big fallout that occurred with this uh with peace this is the death of pc uh

pcu here because when this happened all right so this was yeah um zolar was the zolar was

howard's show announced that they were trying to get somebody to fuck

siobhan one guy this heroin user guy tried to and couldn't get hard couldn't do it okay so um

And then Howard makes the announcement again, and Zolar was like, hey, KDK, will you do it on PCU?

You know, where they were talking on a show, and he said, yeah.

So Zolar got in touch with the Stern Show, and they know Zolar.

They're like, bring him in.

So guess what happens?

So remember, KDK spent the night.

They did a show together.

KDK spent the night at Zolar's show, and then Zolar was like, I don't have a car.

You've got to drive into the city.

This is a wild story.

I've never heard of it.

and kdk was like oh god you know how hard it is to drive into the fucking new york city

so they did it and like they got there and they're like yeah sure kdk you can come in with

your guest your boyfriend but zolar isn't on the list they didn't want zolar to be able to come in

and zolar got embarrassed and pissed off and he made a big stink and then they let him in

so then zolar gets up there and he's in there with they're in the green room you know kdk and

And K-Bone, Keith K-Bone, his boyfriend at the time, and Zolar in there.

And Zolar starts smoking a cigarette.

And Ronnie, the limo driver, the security guy for the search, he comes in and says,

are you fucking smoking in here?

He's like, yes.

You can't fucking smoke in here, man.

He's like, oh, we could at K-Rock.

He's like, that doesn't fucking matter.

No, you can't fucking smoke in here.

So they were already like, and they're like, you're not even really supposed to be here, Zolar.

Like, why are you even here?

He's like, oh, well, I brought him and all this stuff.

I'm like, all right, whatever.

but they didn't let him into the studio

they only let KDK into the studio

but here's the thing

here's the thing

the deal was Zolar got his hands

on some

Viagra and that's what

they were going to do

he was going to give the Viagra to KDK

so that he wouldn't have any problems

getting hard when he fucked

Cheval on the air

but when all this happened

and Zolar was slighted

kdk said he walked off he walked off on them um pissed off and refused to give him the

viagra poke katie gets like give it to me so i can take it you know like we're getting ready to

go to play you know siobhan's place to do the fucking on the camera and the audio he said no

and he walked off as in the later on kdk loses his erection because a is disgusting b the house

was disgusting full of cats shitting everywhere and see fucking richard is richard from the stern

shows over there for show he's doing this throwing up stuff and it's like super distracting you could

even hear kdk saying richard's distracting me with that anyone would he ruined it because you

can't understand what's going on with him going in the background yeah yeah i thought yours is

weird sounds you really don't know what's going on don't you don't milkman you don't and uh that's

and that's where we got that's the story that's the background story okay now wait a minute there's

the rest of the story here now okay there's a part i heard now that's the end of the story you got

i think there's more maybe yeah because that's when pc started breaking up no no there's more

there's more dude here's what i was told let me let me okay so that's where you're at i was told

that after that zolar got some money for bringing him in because somebody had to get some money

to bring in to get somebody to go yeah they were they were offering money for it yeah

and zolar got the money is what i heard and he did not share that with uh kdk and kdk went

got pissed because he went and did the act and he didn't get a cut of the money

yeah again because kdk was thinking it was the money plus that the the the pc network is going

to take off a little bit more because of it and it ended up being not really that many more people

And Zolar got the money.

Now, you're telling me the other half.

This is why Zolar didn't give the money now, because they didn't want Zolar in on it.

So Zolar said, fuck you, and kept the whole package in, it sounds like.

What a fucking crazy story, dude.

I never heard the studio part of it.

You told me the rest of it.

Now, I know the part that I heard, either KDK or one of them told me.

I think KDK told me this himself.

Somebody told me this shit back when it happened.

But it was like a couple thousand dollars, I think.

It was like $2,000 maybe or something like that was the reward for somebody to go do the deed.

And Zolar went and said he got it and got it and brought him in and didn't tell KDK about the money or some shit.

Somehow it happened.

Well, you know what?

And you see here, if that's true, and, you know, Zolar is my buddy.

I love him like a brother, to be honest.

I consider him a personal friend.

And we're still really friendly with him and everything.

thing and of course i'm gonna hope he's gonna be on the anniversary show like we talked about

earlier but he he had a recent following out falling out with prank master over the same

thing in reverse he zolar put in a bunch of work her help prank master win some kind of contest

with a few thousand dollars and then refused to give zolar any after he basically helped

prank master win it some kind of contest i don't know master's always good like there's they'll

be like oh yeah you know create a funny video over the the rosetta satellite you know uh you

know approaching the comet and he'll do it he's always out looking for free shit you don't remember

he'd always have like oh yeah you can get a free t-mobile phone if you go do do the furray he's

really yeah he's he was always like yeah bugging people trying to get him to come on the show and

get all the weird people man i mean just like he was just like he was constantly doing shit like

that but then he would just oh my god like you remember okay this one time get the ice

yeah i used to fuck with him though get this like this one time um zolar was doing a show

and prank master was in the chat room saying should i go should i go to this good zolar's

house to be on the show his order didn't invite him he didn't want him on the air with him in

his house because he would come over and just eat a bunch of food to make a mess like arty did to me

all the time but um no one pretty smart no one in the chat room said yeah no one in the chat room

it was like yeah prank master go down there yeah but so i private message it was like yeah man you

should go yeah come on hurry up as you think so like yeah and i was i was like it's like you

haven't had anything you have anything and i said dude you know what you go you stop and you pick up

a pizza on the way and you bring it with you he did it he went all the way out there and it was

was raining and he drove from jersey all the way to zolar's place in new york i don't know where i

think he was living in brooklyn at the time he drove all the way out there he had stopped for

pizza on the way he had a big ass pizza and zolar and i told zolar hey he's he's on his way to your

house like oh shit i should have kept it a secret but he got there and he knocked on the door and

zolar didn't let him inside the house and it was raining and he was getting all wet and he wouldn't

let him inside he said no no i want to be i want to be by myself go back home and he had the pizza

in his hand he said let me see the pizza and he opened it and it was raining on the pizza and all

this shit crazy yeah yeah anyway man yeah pack master i'm just saying this is some funny shit

man i mean this is this is so hilarious because i mean the story is better after we put it all

together because the big picture is funny shit though solar got some change on one deal and i

sound like the next one man fucking prank master scamming him on one that fucker i'm just saying

i'm not pointing anything out but i'm saying be a little more understanding about prank master

because you did it to kdk you know how you felt man yeah oh yeah prank master's a trip man they're

They're all okay, man.

I'm over it, dude, man.

You know, back in the day, man, it really pissed me the fuck off.

But fuck, dude.

Yeah, I can only laugh now.

He was a dickhead to you.

He did a real fucked up real life thing to you, so, yeah.

Oh, he was always fucking in fucking people, man.

Rest in peace, prank master.

Yeah.

Richie's in Dublin.

How's that going to help you?

Yeah, so I'd like to make an order.

For delivery, carry on.

One pizza.

Okay, what size?

Main.

I'm sorry, what size?

Main.

Main size.

Small, medium, large, and extra large.

Do you have regular?

I'm sorry, I don't know what regular would be to you.

I mean, if you...

You don't have the regular size?

Well, you know how they have small, regular, you know?

Well, no, we just have small, medium, large, and extra large.

On a five-point system.

We don't have anything that...

Regular on the five-point system.

You don't have anything like that?

I would say medium.

Medium.

All right, fine.

Okay, we'll go with that.

I like it.

Nice little mid-ground.

I need you to make it with heat.

Okay.

Bake it.

I would assume.

You're going to add cheese.

Mm-hmm.

Sauces.

Okay.

Which type of sauce?

We have garlic, parmesan, barbecue original.

Red sauce.

Okay.

I also need meat on it.

Okay, which one would you like?

We have pepperoni, ham, sausage, beef, bacon.

Cooked meat.

We also have sliced Italian.

Cooked meat.

Okay, which one did you want that are all pre-cooked?

Cooked salty meat.

Sliced Italian sausage.

No, no, cooked salty meat.

Sausage?

No, no.

Pepperoni?

Pork, pork.

Bacon?

No, that's too salty.

Ham?

Okay, we'll go with that.

Awesome, we'll go with ham.

Want garlic?

Anything else for that?

Want garlic?

You want garlic on the crust?

Yeah, and salt.

Okay.

Salt.

Comes with it.

Pepper.

Okay, did you want jalapenos or the regular green peppers or rusted red peppers?

Natural peppers.

hmm organic uh i would go with green or red okay that sounds good okay anything else i need some

shit to drink we have a small or the large food coke yeah okay food blend it we'll go with that

all right this is a serious order motherfucker i am completely understanding this yeah and if

it's not ready on the screen if it's not ready when i get there i'm gonna kick the walls okay

I'm going to kick the shit out of your cash register, too, and your phone.

I'm going to kick the shit out of the motherfucker.

I'm going to kick the shit out of your pizza oven.

I'm going to shove it, push it on the floor, and kick it, kick it in its penis.

It's a machine that doesn't have a penis.

It has a main operating part, doesn't it?

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, we're built for fucking, and they're built for baking.

Perfect.

So I'm going to kick it in its baking parts.

Okay, could I have a name of someone who's going to pick it up?

Yeah, you can.

Jim Shorts

Okay

Does Mr. Short have

Oh

Okay

If I could put you on hold for just a second, sir

Okay, honey, baby

Thank you

I was going to talk to my

Hello

Hey, how are you?

Yeah

Hey, good afternoon

Yeah, I want to make an order for a fucking pizza, motherfucker.

Why don't you put it up your ass, fucking shit, motherfucking Asian motherfucker, you?

Yeah, you like getting fucked by me, my big fucking cock?

Yeah, yeah, you play with your little penis while I do it.

I know, yeah. Thank you so good.

that's you jacking off okay i have a gun too come on oh yeah you have a gun

what was that little bruce lee there

how about dtt how about dtt i have gun for you huh remember that

yeah tt would call him back man i like him man he was good he grew up to be dex from pregnant no

i thought for a moment he might because they had the same first name and they kind of sounded the

same a little bit at first but no not the same guy ddt was kind of dumb man he had people mailing

him condoms in the mail and shit use condoms do you even yeah i actually knew his real name dude

Dude, he was actually pretty funny.

He was a pretty funny guy.

I mean, he was cool, man.

I remember.

He used to call me off air.

He'd tell me he was stressed out about his mom and his religion.

Yeah.

Remember, like, the roof of his house, like, was, like, got tore up in a storm.

Tree.

Yeah, the tree, fucking, yeah.

And people were, like.

We're losing you, buddy.

And people started fucking with him because he was, like, Arabic.

No, you remember?

He said, I have a gun for you to Andy.

And Andy used to fuck with him a lot.

Yeah.

Andy would get in the chat room on Friday.

He would tell me, yo, is Zola on?

Yeah.

And Andy would pop in the chat and fuck with DTT and the dead.

He'd antagonize them.

Yeah, man.

DTT.

He just told Andy once, I have a gun for you.

And everyone kept making little meme pictures.

We're calling Walgreens, located at the southeast corner of Chestnut and King's Canyon in Fresno.

With convenient pharmacy drive-thru service.

Oh, there was B2.

Para servicio en espanol, oprima el número nueve.

Member B-2.

Oh, we lost Milkman.

To use our automated pharmacy services, press 1.

Look, I'm just trying to talk to someone.

Your entry was not recognized.

Oh, fuck Walgreens.

It's always a pain in the ass to talk to someone at this pharmacy.

And we lost Milkman.

Reinitiating communications with him.

Um, let me see if I found anything else open in this neighborhood before I look for greener pastures.

The Home Depot.

They open yet?

Or still?

A.

No.

No. Can't I click it right now?

Apparently not.

Or they just have no listings.

Okay, never mind. No Home Depot.

I guess we're not meant to call them.

There's a hotel called the King's Canyon.

Yeah. King Canyon's Motel. Never mind.

Ain't nothing good going on at the motel, ladies.

Hey, I'm Otto.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Do you have any creams?

What creams?

Cream for the pussy.

Which room number are you?

Uh, 12.

Well, I don't have right now, but let me check and call you back, okay?

You know, for the vagina, so I can fuck the girl.

You know what I'm talking about?

The vagina.

For fucking the girl.

Hello?

Are you from 112?

Uh-huh.

Can you just hang up the phone?

We don't have any cream, okay?

You don't have any cream?

Hey, Milkman.

What's up, Milky?

Milky Liquor?

Internet connection problem.

Milkman is having internet connection problems.

We'll continue to see if we can reacquire his signal.

Thank you.

Let's call that motel back.

Hey, boy.

Milkman boy.

All right, the cream girl won't answer again.

Let's see if El Pollo Loco is open.

El Pollo Loco, the crazy chicken with the crazy taste.

One thing about South Florida, El Pollo Loco, or Florida in general,

El Pollo Loco and their later offshoot, Pollo Tropical.

Such good food.

Hey, this is El Pollo Loco, crazy chicken, the crazy taste.

Right?

Oh.

Yeah, I'm going to help you.

Yeah, I want to make an order.

I'm sorry, so we can catering order?

yeah no no no food order how many pieces one five i'm sorry five um unless it's a catering order we

don't take listen come on just i need one food man one food with heat one hot food which uh

you fucking motherfucker listen jose put the manager on the phone okay i'm the manager why

you're keeping all the food for yourself i hear your accent listen sir hello yeah i'm here

your puta madre. What do you want?

You wanted to come in for your chicken

if you need to order it. I'm gonna come in to push

you. What's your name? Alright. What's your name

Jose? Yep. Jose

what's your last name? Garcia?

You got it boss. You're like a psychic.

Jose Garcia. I know. I could tell. Somehow

I could tell. Alright man.

Hey you know who sent me? Maria

told me to call you. You know Maria right?

You know Maria? Maria? Oh yeah.

Yeah. She's a puta.

She told me to call you motherfucker.

motherfucker your sister right no i don't have a sister named maria stupid i'm a white person

don't sound like it i'm very white i'm a white privilege speak english fortunate for you speak

english there boy

all right bro wait for you over here all right i didn't know it was like that milkman are you here

No, another puta madre named Milkman.

Music going, I forgot to turn it off.

We're about a half hour away from taking my break of the night,

at which point I will be gone for about seven minutes or so to eat a sandwich

and drink some purple Kool-Aid.

Yeah.

Let's call Fofong 9.

Just close, possibly.

Like, literally just now.

Can I help you?

Yeah, are you just closing?

Not yet.

I want to make an order for one full, full, full.

You order for two girls?

Fofong.

Yeah, but what do you want to order?

One phu phong, one pho, pho, pho.

Yeah, you want pho to go?

Phu, pho, yeah, one phu phong.

No, pho, pho, not pho, pho, this is a name.

No, your name is pho phong.

No, yeah.

Pho phong, pho phong nine.

You want one pho to go?

One pho phong, number nine, the number nine.

You want to go over here?

I want one number nine to go, one pho phong to go.

Okay, I do for you when you come to pick up.

how much how much heat does it have 750 how much heat 750 no heat how hot is it i don't understand

sorry do you have do you have vagina to put on it oh man come on man you gotta get connected

what's going on man oh look man look man i hear you full phone yeah yeah we have you we have you

All right, she ain't going to pick up again.

We got the Corina's Taqueria and Carniceria.

Some good food there, motherfucker, I'll tell you what.

They should be open for another half hour, machine.

Hey, I want to make an order.

You want an order?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oops.

Stupid.

Way to ruin the call.

Fuck yeah.

No, big hugger, he said fuck yeah.

Yes, can I make an order, please?

Can I make an order?

Hello, Chula.

Hello.

Okay, one meat

Meat

One meat

No, hot, hot meat

Cooked meat

Carne

No, it's hot

Carne cocinada

I know, asada

Cocinada

No, no asada, casi cocinada

Con calor.

Al pastor.

Al calor.

Guacande meat.

En el oven eléctrico.

No, we don't have it right now.

No tienen electricity.

No, because it's closed right now.

Because it's like Mexico, you don't have electricity, right?

Yes.

Yeah, like poor people.

That's a good thing that you represent very well.

Wow, you have cockroaches there too?

Yes.

And no electricity, huh?

Yes.

Yeah.

Authentical.

That's what happens after you eat right here.

Yes, yes.

Da-da-da.

I mean, uh...

Look, man, got you back, you fucking asshole.

Dude, what is hell is going wrong with my bandwidth, dude?

I feel like I'm back on the satellite connection.

World dominoes champion.

You might as well be in.

And you're talking about, I'm going to get DSL.

DSL, you might as well not.

You might as well have dial-up.

DSL is the dial-up of our generation.

Of the current generation, sir.

Dude, I'm going to get satellite.

Yeah, satellite machine.

Hughes net.

Don't get that.

You're not going to get Hughes net.

600K, man.

And your upload was via the phone.

It was 52K, remember?

You didn't do the upload on the satellite link.

It was just a download.

Your upload was shit.

You still had to dial out on the phone line to get to Europe.

Woo!

That's the future.

Good times, man.

All right, I'm trying the carniceria again a third time.

Abuse, abuse.

I think they actually upgraded their service now.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

Mira, they blocked me, Mira.

Uh-oh.

She said that blocked.

Yeah, Kim...

Kim Crimson.

De la madre.

El Farco.

All right, let's see if A-Star Buffet...

Mira, Mira, El Barco de la Madre.

Mira, All-Star Buffet, let's call the Buffet.

Oh, good.

Oh, go to the Buffet.

El Barco de la Madre.

El Buffet de la Madre.

Hey, Star Buffet, how may I help you?

Hey, you got the Buff...

Is this the Buffel?

Is this A-Star Buffet?

Buffel.

Is this the Buffel?

No.

Buffet?

A-Star Buffel?

Yes.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I want to make an order.

Oh, you have to come in to make an order.

No, one Buffet.

One Buffet.

I want to order one buffet.

Oh, you have to come in.

No, I want it ready when I get there.

Don't do that.

What do you mean?

I have to order.

How?

I have to tell you I have to get what I want to get to eat at some point, right?

Did you hang up, baby?

Honey, baby, no.

Oh.

Go on, go on.

Yeah.

What happened with the phone?

Hello?

Oh, come on.

Jess, may I help you?

Jess?

Me la puta.

Jess?

All right, what's next?

let's keep looking planet fitness yeah why not yep yep so this is ashley how may i help you

hello ashley how are you sir i'm good i'm calling from the corporate office we're calling to make

sure that you have hi we're calling to make sure that did you do you have the form there the

procedure in case you receive uh uh like uh phone calls that are inappropriate um do we have let me

ask i'm not too sure you should have do we have a form do we have the form if we get inappropriate

appropriate cars we had had one earlier too uh do we have the form for it we just uh we don't know

where it'd be um we just had the um notification of if we had scam calls scam calls and you just

had a call too yeah we had one earlier they were just talking nasty about feet about feet yeah

hang on let me write i gotta write that down actually i'm sorry they said what exactly about

about feet about looking their feet oh yeah oh my goodness i know and it was just one one man or

what was it do you know it was one man yeah it was one man and did you take the call or was it

someone else i didn't hannah did hannah h-a-n-n-a-h okay all right good sounds good i got the new

report coming out now so we'll go ahead and put that in hannah's personal

in her permanent record okay um she's gonna get a demerit for that because she didn't handle it

right apparently i guess if you just didn't no she didn't follow the forum protocols it's supposed

to be on a glossy page or just printed out next to your phone what to do if you receive funny call

yeah okay sounds good because i guess she gave her personal phone number out she said she was

was interested she called the person back on her yeah would you like to hear about well yeah well

i'll just try to see if i can confirm with you do you know because she apparently gave her personal

phone number to these gentlemen and then she went to her cell phone earlier and uh basically they

propositioned they asked her to she wanted to go out to eat at a diner um and they would touch her

legs underneath the table and she said yes like she was into can you put her on i need to yeah

Yeah, one moment.

Hello?

Yeah, is this Hannah?

Yes.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

I'm just going to let you know I printed out a new report with the other girl

regarding that odd call that you got.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, it was really random.

Yeah, the girl who I just talked to, what is her name?

Her name is Ashley.

Okay, exactly, because they said, I guess, Ashley called them back

and gave them her personal cell phone number

and then made arrangements to meet them for a meal after work, you know?

And we have non-compensation rules here, you know?

Yeah.

So she's probably going to be getting terminated,

so I already put this in her personal record.

Did she tell you about meeting with these men, I guess,

for some kind of romantic thing?

No, no, no, no.

i know yeah well apparently she did yeah that's what the report here has so she's going to be

getting terminated so if you just keep an eye on her make sure you don't see her kind of sneaking

around or maybe trying to take any any of the equipment or any of the state you know the stuff

at the desk and stuff like that any keys yeah no i know i know her pretty well and i i don't think

she would do anything like that well that's she's definitely going to be suspended without pay i

I know that.

But that's not, I mean, I'm just with corporate IT.

They're probably going to be contacting the store manager.

Okay.

Your location manager here in the morning.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, well, just keep an eye on her.

Make sure she's not, you know, taking stuff or taking pictures of people or anything like that.

Yeah.

Apparently, that's what it was, is that they said if she would, they would pay her in cash under the table if she takes pictures of women working out, you know, like.

you know maybe exposing themselves a little bit and there was even talk that they had apparently

about um her getting cell phone camera pictures and video from the showers so we're really concerned

here yeah um all right okay well just keep an eye out for her make sure she don't see her with her

cell phone out maybe taking pictures of any of anyone there who's using the facilities okay

especially in that bathroom i would preferably keep an eye on her she if you see her making

any trips to the bathroom because she said she was she told them she was going to be casing the

women's restroom um for good spots to take video and pictures of um she would like to talk to you

again okay oh okay sure thanks um hey now can i get your name yeah my name is edward edward what's

your last name meachum meachum m-e-e-c-h-u-m okay or did because like you're saying i would like to

hear my voice because that's kind of crazy they weren't supposed to share that with you uh they

weren't i don't know may i get a i would like to talk to my manager about this is there a number i

could talk to you get a hold of you back on uh yeah i mean you can call the corporate number

or i can give you okay can i have it yeah you can call back uh well for you it would be 888

288-278-2015.

2015.

Okay.

And what did this call take place?

I don't know.

I don't have those parts.

I mean, do you want me to let me look?

Let me see what I can find.

What was your ID?

Do you have an ID number attached to this maybe?

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm printing it out now.

I'm a little confused as to why you said she wasn't supposed to tell me when you just told me that she had done it

and that's why you wanted to speak to her.

Well, it's both of you, apparently.

She was going to meet at the diner, and you're accused of possibly making arrangements to take pictures of people working out.

Arrangements to take pictures?

Yeah, and the women's restroom, and also women who are using the machines and working out.

Wow.

This is crazy accusations.

I know.

I mean, I was shocked, but we see stuff like this all the time.

We have a team that handles stuff like this.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Okay, and what time did the call take place?

Let's see.

I mean, the list of calls here, I don't think it actually parsed the data correctly.

It doesn't state the day?

I don't think it included that field.

I don't understand.

Yeah, because these dates don't make any sense here.

Yeah, I mean, this isn't my best part.

I mean, this is really human resources that handles this.

Human resources handles this?

I mean, I just make the calls.

You were just calling.

I have access, you know, to the system, but, I mean, I can't really.

I mean, I've got a whole bunch of dates here, 12-24-2014, number 2032, contact number 5591.

You just said the 22nd of May?

Well, I don't think that's right. These dates aren't right here at all.

I just, I don't know how to interpret this data at all.

Corporate should be contacting the manager about?

Well, they, I mean, on the weekend, I kind of call myself, and I do a little bit of just getting some information ready for the Monday morning meeting.

Okay.

And since our locations are 24-7, yeah, because this is all going to be laid out in the corporate meeting in New Hampshire in the morning.

I think you're, like, item number eight on the itinerary.

I think you're number eight on the itinerary for tomorrow's Monday meeting.

I mean, did you, or if you're available, I mean, we can conference you in on that conference call in the morning, you know.

You know what, no, it's honestly, like, if you guys have recording of this and, you know, if you guys are going to go about it, go about it.

Because I know what I didn't do and I know what she didn't do.

So if that's what you have to do, go ahead.

I'll speak to my manager about it when it is addressed.

Well, you should probably lawyer up.

Okay, I'm not worried about this.

Is there any more, do you have any more questions for me?

Because I have to go.

I don't know.

Do you have any more questions for me, Hussie?

No, Edward. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Whatever. Eat a dick up.

Yeah.

Weird.

Interesting.

Come on.

I don't know how to interpret this.

That has to be.

Oh, my God.

Dude, that was great.

I don't know how to interpret this data.

Sick.

Okay.

That was fun.

Ten minutes until break machine here on Madhouse Radio.

Let's go ahead and get back to the map and continue.

I'm sure Mr. Dwight will be joining us here after our break at midnight Eastern, 9 p.m. Pacific.

He'll have plenty of numbers galore for different things.

Might have a few more guests joining up here, too.

Oh, man.

Yeah, man.

Here's the CVS, but I know it's a fucking piece of shit trying to get through these CVSs and stuff.

Baz says he wants to join.

Fuck yeah, Baz, motherfucker.

We'll get your ass on here, motherfucking bitch.

Yeah.

Baz.

Get some burgers.

Yeah, yeah.

Man, this city sucks.

Fresno, California is pretty closed this time of night.

On a Sunday.

I should rename this ass town.

But I'm looking, I'm looking.

Going down the other street now.

Ooh, baseball field.

You know what we can always do as a Lowe's, Milkman?

Lowe's.

Are you here, sir?

You hearing me?

You're connected, aren't you?

Milkman?

By myself.

All right, let's look for Lowe's in this town.

Away we go.

You need more mute.

Sorry, I had to mute on.

Better mute management.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

The store is now closed.

We will open Monday at 6 a.m.

The store is now closed.

Shut out, man.

We are shut out.

Let's expand our search.

Surely someone must be open.

Well, they all closed at midnight.

Technically, they're not closed.

They should be open for a few more minutes,

but I think they're all going to service already.

Lazy fucks.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en español, marque tres.

For directions to the store, for information on deliveries, transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

All right.

Customer service?

Yeah, how you doing?

Good. How are you?

I was trying to get a hold of FOMO regarding this item that I'm trying to make sure it's in when I come in.

Is it for order pickup?

And how it works exactly.

But maybe I can give you the item number because I don't know what department handles it precisely.

Do you have a computer?

Yes, item number?

it's five seven seven seven eight three oh it's a special order grill no it's not a grill it's

not a grill no um let me see three pack three pack do you have the descriptions

again three pack what is it exactly this i don't it's for it's grill accessories what is it called

please tell me hello hello yeah what is it called what's the brand the brand it doesn't tell me the

a brand on here well don't you have looking on the computer so they can so they can find it on

their computer oh yeah baby what moment oh fuck yeah we're looking up the rub some butt three

count kansas city memphis and carolina style seasoning blend hello you know yeah i'm trying

to look up an item you need to look it up on the computer and describe it to me please hurry up

what is it yeah item number five seven seven seven eight three that's a three-pack gift set

yeah but keep reading the description please please item name the contents stuff like that

i need help that's a uh that's just a seasoning blend what's it called what's the brand rub some

Rub some butt.

Rub some butt, three count?

Yeah.

And then does it say, like, it contains what it contains?

It just says KC Spice, free and smoky, spice blend, perfect for grilling, bursting mustard vinegar and spice, and that's pretty much all in the description.

Does it have contains KC butt spice?

Yeah.

And pig's ass rub?

Yeah.

And rub some butt seasonings?

Yeah.

And then what do I do with this?

Is that put this on the grill to eat it?

I think you marinate it with meat.

So I rub it on that, okay.

Do you have a mother or sister that I can rub that butt spice on her ass before I eat it out?

No.

I think that's what I want to use it for.

Maybe you got a nice little bubble butt.

No.

You don't have a nice little bubble butt for me?

No.

You don't want to try that a little bit?

You just close your eyes and pretend it's your girlfriend, you know?

No.

And, you know, it's just our secret, you know.

I can be whoever you want me to be back there.

You don't even have to see or nothing.

You just, you know, yeah.

No, no.

Come on, just to see how it feels.

Come on, please.

No, I don't go that way, man.

All right, well, don't tell anyone that I asked if you would do that, please.

Sure.

You promise you won't?

Sure.

Why not?

Please promise.

Promise me.

No.

So I got to pick up on the lifestyle now.

All right, I got to go too, motherfucker.

I'll see you later.

All right, bye.

There he goes.

And here I go on break.

Milkman, please stay with me at the break, okay?

Don't go anywhere, puta madre.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I come back, we'll have Dwight.

We'll have Daz.

We'll have Milkman.

We'll have others.

I'm sure we'll have some fresh numbers off the pipe machine.

And we'll do this thing called Madhouse Radio.

I'll be back in about 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 minutes.

Something like that.

I don't know.

Oh, bye.

Chase.

Stop the GPS in your box.

Put it to bottom.

So when you die, you open up track door to the box.

House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

Bigger than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Century.

Doing something mean to it.

Do it better than anybody you've ever seen.

Do it.

Scream.

Carlito.

Carlito, and I'm here.

Yeah.

Let me get everyone in on this sheet.

Who's here?

Nasty checking.

Hey.

Bazzard.

Power up, Bazzard.

We lost Milkman.

Jesus Christ, we lost Milkman.

No, there he is.

Milkman.

Oh, he's still connected.

All right, I'm getting numbers from Dwight.

The Dwight.

The dad Dwight here.

Is he here?

He's still connected.

So I'll give you some numbers too, Carlito.

Thank you, man.

I wanted to announce tonight's news.

John Kerry broke his leg machine.

Welcome to the club.

Uh-oh.

Man.

How'd he do it?

Biking accident.

Yeah, it was a bicycle accident or some shit.

Switzerland.

That motherfucker, he got hit with a hockey puck like four years ago.

He got knocked in the eye or something with a hockey puck.

Only a vagina gets hurt on a bicycle.

Yeah, well, dude, you can get hurt on a bicycle.

Artie, you're one to talk.

Never.

I mean, I hit my head, but I didn't get hurt.

I want to see you get like on one of those thin-ass little racing bikes.

I want to see that.

Dude, it's a mad pussy.

see what's up why um they actually found that number you were looking for yes and i forget

the article all right so this lady was on i uh i called and some lady answered yes all right so

here's what happened so this weekend there was a lady on a united airlines flight who says she's

a muslim had the headdress on and she requested a diet coke and was refused to get one without it

it being open first um she wanted to you know for hygienic reasons she wanted one that wasn't open

and they said no you have we have to open it first so she's like whatever and they said because it

could be used as a weapon if we give it to you close and then this guy the guy across for her

the aisle ordered a beer and they gave him the can of beer without opening it so now and he was

a white guy so she's screaming racism now that's the uh that's the deal so there's a whole twitter

Twitter hashtag movement and support her and everything.

Except I saw the anti-Twitter hashtag.

Did you see that?

No, no.

Hashtag hold my turban.

Really?

Yep.

Ooh, that's harsh.

So is she the first one that you sent me?

Yeah, should be.

The one at the university and we got her cell phone?

Yep, that's right.

All right.

There goes nothing.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm sorry to bother you this late, ma'am.

I'm calling from United.

Is that Ms. Ahmad, Tahereh Ahmad?

Yes, it is.

All right, we wanted to let you know we're apologizing,

and we would like to see if we can go ahead with the settlement over the phone,

and I can send you over the paperwork.

Who are you?

My name is Bill Cross.

I'm with United.

I represent United.

What's your role at United?

Oh, I've been assigned this case to reach a cash settlement with you off the books,

and we can make a public statement together in the media to settle this matter.

Do you have, like, a reference number?

I've had random people call me and tell me that they're calling me from United.

No, I can give you a reference number.

Yeah, sure, it's 400215, all right?

I don't, wait, I'm sorry, Bill, what's your last name?

Cross, like Jesus' cross.

400215.

I'm sorry, I'm asking this because I've had, you know,

several people call me and tell me that they're calling me on behalf of United Airlines

and, you know, have said some really strange things to me,

and I don't believe that United would say those things to me.

Yeah, these are Internet trolls.

There's a group of people out there that do that.

And what is your official role, sir?

I just want to make sure I'm talking to a real person who is not speaking on behalf of me.

I'm first legal counsel for the association Machine United Airlines.

Okay, I don't know how I know if you're real or not.

Do you want me to show you my dick?

Would that help on the phone?

Do you have a viewer?

Hello?

Mimi.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Do you want me to show you my credentials, ma'am?

Why would you say, do you want me to show you my dick?

What I meant to say was my credentials, and I have them here with me.

And I have a camera phone.

I can show you them on the phone.

Credentials.

She opened up a bag of worms, and it sounds like it's backfiring on her.

I think my favorite part of that was

like Jesus's cross

oh my god

a little slight on her there

ouch

so yeah people already beat me to the punch

I thought I was jumping on that one early

you should have told her your dick was as big as a soda can

that's an unopened soda can

I'm not sure I'm going to say credentials

I think Artie's that big

I think Artie's got a big fucking

beer can cock

you still here Artie

He's touching his cock

He told me that once

He had a beer

What do you sound so different there

Neon

You sound really different

It's making me feel weird

Anyway so

Nashby, Baz, Evil Artie, Neon

Dwight and Milkman

All here

Alright cool

Let's keep going with these numbers

Thanks Dwight for sending in numbers

They posted there in the chat

that again i can't tell what you're dialing anyway because you're on another machine yeah

but you can look i always go in order okay do i can bang it out in there real quick probably

nice yep in a minute bang the next the next guy neon knows about this guy remember the guy

yesterday we're asking if he can have pets uh bring pets to move in he started flipping out

fuck you oh my god you motherfuckers don't call your home oh my god here we go with that

good luck with that this is howard who's got a 400 large room utilities included rental machine

anyone want it please be my guest yeah yeah it's a large room it could be anything

hello this is howard uh i'm not available right now will you please leave a message

or call back and have a nice day.

Aloha.

Come on, Howie.

Howard.

Oh, I remember this guy.

He sounds like Mr. Miyagi when he got drunk on the first Karate Kid.

He slipped out on Morgan.

Morgan wanted to bring her hairless cats.

He started fucking going crazy.

Howard the Duck.

Hello.

Yeah, hello.

I'm looking for Howard.

Who?

Howard or Howie.

Yeah, yeah.

Aloha.

How can I help you?

uh i saw you hit a room for rent what's that you had a large room for rent a what a room to rent

oh yeah but uh we we may have just rented the last the last room you know what just single

guy like you like you oh yeah why'd you go and do that motherfucker i wanted the room

what's that you fucker you yeah motherfucker i wanted the room give it to me hey fuck you

He's Kanaka, motherfucker.

Kanaka.

Hey, fuck you, man. It's our country. Get out.

Fuck you.

Don't suck your queen's ass.

Stay the fuck where you at.

You're in the big pool now, eh?

On your fucking island.

Go bleed your ass, you fucking dirty ass.

I'm going to fucking take you to Hana and Wale and kick your ass on the fucking lava rocks, bitch.

Come meet me, you fucking owl.

No, come meet me on the road to Hana, bitch.

I'm going to Jurassic Park your ass.

Fuck you, owl.

Hey, owl.

I don't really like you.

Fuck you, owl.

Fucking kanaka.

you're in trouble

I'm gonna meet you

at the door plant

hey

howdy

bye bye

you fucking

you know I get

a number of calls

assholes like you

you fucking

god damn

queer

why don't you

be a fucking man

are you gonna go

to Big Beach

or Little Beach

if you need to be

taken care of

I'll meet you

in Lahaina

man we'll do

some Maui

Maui

you fucking

queer

yeah we're going

to a house for rent

you know what I mean

we're renting it for you

don't sell your

orchids bitch

get out of here

okay you fucking

You're not even worth a fish taco stand on the side of the road, bitch.

I'm going to shove a pineapple up your ass.

Bye-bye, you fucking cuckoo.

Aloha.

Turn your TV down.

At the end of the day, you said like you old something or other thing before you hung up.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Wow.

I told you he was fucking crazy.

We called that guy before, right?

We called him on a conf last night.

That's the angriest Hawaiian I've ever heard.

It was a leftover number I had for my show,

and so I just put it to the conf,

and it turned out he was a fucking goldmine.

I remember that.

That was funny.

Sorry, Dwight.

Oh, you're good, Nia.

I totally remember that guy.

I remember yelling at that guy.

I got out everything I wanted to say to him.

He was going to hang up on me.

Damn.

Seriously, the most racist Hawaiian coconut head ever.

Yeah, you fucking howling.

What?

I didn't say, oh, she doesn't coconut head up.

I've never been threatened to be thrown into a volcano before.

He said they were all getting fed.

All the Howleys were getting fed.

I'm calling him back, by the way.

Yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing okay.

How you doing?

Good.

Do you have a room for rent?

No, we don't have a room for rent.

Okay, because it's probably full of cockroaches and dirty kanakas, right?

Oh, get them fucking dirty Howleys.

We've been putting them in a volcano.

I said a volcano is so hot.

Oh, no.

You can't find those dirty fucking white trash.

you know we're born and raised here we need it for one we don't like your fucking white

we use the freedom to the mongoose you see

you understand me

why the fuck with me punk huh i don't even know what you're funny why are you fucking with me

turn your tv down you stupid man you'll be a fucking man and think your man would

Fuck you.

I'll kick your ass.

I'll kick your old ass.

Why don't you put yourself out front?

You didn't even put your name on the phone, you fucking yellow scab.

You fuckers are sickening.

That's why I have ISIS today.

You understand?

No.

Is that it, sir?

Okay.

All right.

You heard it straight from Howard's mouth.

PCN is the reason ISIS exists today.

Is that what he said?

He said, you're the reason that fucking ISIS exists today.

I didn't hear him say that.

That's good stuff.

That guy's crazy.

All right, and he doesn't like animals either, huh?

All right, here's Robert, who's got Asking EA,

Electronic Arts, formerly known as.

Hey, answer me, why is Need for Speed World shutting down?

Call him back, tell him it's an old piece of shit game.

Oh, damn.

Thank you for calling Roblox Corp.

Here's some ferrets for sale.

Hey, ferret.

Looking for a new home, $150.

The ferrets stink if you don't get them fixed.

Can I take it?

Yep.

Hello?

Hey, yeah, I'm calling about the ferrets.

Yeah, hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, I'm calling about the ferrets advertised on Craigslist.

Ah, you already told it.

Sorry, say again, I can't hear you.

Ah, you already told it.

Yeah, I'm calling, uh, I'm calling you, stoop.

Yeah, it's all already.

They're gone already?

It's all already.

Oh, yeah, you know what? You sound really stupid. I can barely understand you.

Sorry. Do you have anything else for sale?

I only have a hedgehog.

A hedgehog?

Sounds like you're on this road with a hedgehog.

Hello?

Sorry, I couldn't help it anymore.

I'm sorry, I'm away from my phone. Please leave a message.

Away? Come on, no way. No way.

I was going to tell him that we've got a bunch of numbers for you, Carlito.

go yeah it's gonna tell me of dobermans that we're gonna feed the ferrets dobermans i'm probably on

the way from my phone he's straight up saying f-u-c-k-u-y-o-y yeah he's not playing that's fun

though yeah it was fun all right ferrets and they smell they're musky you know musky down

they shit out tubes too oh really yeah i had a friend that had one it was fucking disgusting

stay i'm like i'm out of here shut out a tube so sick all right here's chiweenie puppies i wonder

what mix that is weenie dogs and chihuahuas right yeah chiweenie chiweenie puppies thank you who

wants one anybody i guess i'll take one hello we're sorry the number in country coach

i give up doing this beep again the next one is carl who has complained to united airlines yeah

man he's got an extra digit in his phone number uh-oh what do you think dwight what should i do

dwight machine uh no clue all right we'll hear we'll try i just i just do the copies and paste

we'll do the 6502 let's see if that works nope oh my god we'll skip that uh lawrence or lisa

of Arabia.

Lawrence of Arabia?

Did you say Lawrence of Labia?

Yeah, of Labia.

I heard Labia.

Comcast is down again. I'm glad I don't get water, gas, or electricity

from them. Not yet.

They're trying to get in the power business.

Oh, shit.

God

fucks up the national red.

Florida Power and Light has gotten into

the internet.

That's it.

I am back.

They've got the infrastructure.

They can just slap some fiber up there.

Good to go.

They suck at repairing their fiber, too.

The job I was at, sometimes there was a fiber cut in the field,

and it was on their end.

It's like, oh, fuck, FDL.

They're going to take forever.

Because I think legally it has to be within 24 hours,

and they're going to take that whole 24 hours and milk it.

Could have changed by now.

I don't know.

Okay, what's this?

Linnea says, what, please make Clinton MS get a new sign?

What?

What music are you playing, man?

What?

It's just yours.

King Crimson.

It's a Starbucks.

They're bitching about Starbucks.

Their sign.

They're bitching about their sign.

Okay.

No problem.

Oh, it doesn't have enough me on it.

Because Linnea needs me to message him.

Try it there again.

I got 24 minutes until I can leave.

Aw, I'm getting numbers, man.

Get numbers.

Fuck it.

They start popping up, I might stay.

Probably.

I don't know.

oh i dumped a bunch in the chat carlito oh okay oh boy okay guys i'll stay

all right lania ain't going down william comcast complains my home internet has been offline for

four hours any thoughts question mark i have done everything in the help app

the help app yeah that'll that'll save you reboot your motor check your internet connection your

call has been forwarded boo booey booey pooey i need 2.4 minutes or less be right back all right

sorry about that i hope i made it in time i didn't lose you people good let's continue with

our numbers all right so who sent numbers several people have right i gotta organize this did you

you guys just hey i dumped a bunch in the sky chat still working on mine over here let me uh

just grab all these where do you want me to put the numbers carly in private chat or this one can

you put them in a private chest i don't lose them yeah totally in the bucket oh private chat

private parts got secrets private parts chat okay i've got nashby's better work

um oh they're all mixed with arty shit okay the first one i'm doing is seeking a roommate in

tweekerville right okay so they said that or you said that yeah it's a tweekerville town

uh-huh hello looking for a roommate does it have to be a female or can it be a male

no it needs to be female all right well that's perfect i've got a woman right here go ahead

hi do you have that room for rat yeah who's this oh my name is mina mina harker oh okay so you're

from what state i'm originally from california but i actually moved around uh most of my life

i was a navy brat so okay why are you looking for a roommate uh-huh yeah why are you looking

for a roommate um nobody wants to live alone okay so why are you like i guess why don't you

have your own place why are you looking for a room you know oh okay well um i'm just i'm coming

to uh salt lake city and i have some business and i just it's probably not going to be permanent so

you know that's why i just thought it'd be easier to just live with someone and you know go from

there okay all right and nobody wanted to live with me anyway so when are you coming into town

I should probably be there probably by this week.

I was due on the set of Chicago PD, and I had to sign my NDA.

So after I do all that, then I should be able to come out.

Okay.

So give me a call then when you're in Utah.

Do you have anybody already asking for the room?

Yeah, I have a lot of people that are interested.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Well, why are you asking for a roommate?

Can I ask that?

Because I need to pay my rent.

all the way, and I just bought a new car, and I have to wait until my budget gets settled

up.

Oh, so if you get your budget settled up, are you going to kick the roommate out?

Yeah, I won't need him.

So this is just a one-way street here then, right?

Yeah, it's just for a couple months.

Oh, so you probably shouldn't have bought that car then, right?

What, did you get a Hyundai or something?

No, that's incorrect.

Did you get a Kia, or?

No, that's incorrect.

What'd you get?

I'm not selling you.

Okay, well, that's incorrect.

That's not what I want to hear.

Okay, I don't care.

Well, you sound like a real bitch.

Like, who would want to live with you then?

Did mommy and daddy cut you off?

Are you part of that Dugar family or something?

You're the one that contacted me for a room.

I know, but I'm kind of glad I'm not going to get it.

Because, like I said, you sound like a real bitch.

Because nobody can live with you.

Oh, that's what I told you, honey.

Do you really believe that?

Sounds like you're the one looking for friends.

So then you're just a lying bitch as well.

That's cool.

Oh my god, you can cuss in Utah?

I thought all you people wore white dresses and weird ankle boots.

I'm not a liar.

Yeah, you are.

You lied and said that you could cover your rent and your car,

and you can't do very much of that, can you?

I didn't say that.

Well, you're an idiot.

What the hell did you tell the car loan dealership people?

That you were somebody?

That you have a dream and a hope in the world?

You suck.

You're going to be a statistic just like everybody else, honey.

Get used to being called a lot lizard.

Are you done?

Are you finished?

Good, because that's probably like the last time you're going to laugh in your life.

You're going to have to work your fucking ass off to pay anything off and be anything in this world.

You can eat shit for all I care.

Actually, your giggle might get you somewhere.

Like a Warren Jeffs type of bed, you know?

What a creep.

You're ridiculous, lady.

You're recoculous.

You need to find something.

You're recoculous.

You know it.

Can you watch rated R movies?

And call people in the middle of the night.

Do you know how to drink?

Fucking Christ.

You're a psycho giggle.

So, I'll make sure I'm calling the police right now with your phone number.

Okay.

And having them tag it.

Okay, good.

You can fag it if you want it.

Remember to tell the officer to give you a good dickin'.

Okay.

Yep.

Are we done here?

Uh-huh.

I think you should call her back.

All right, I'll try.

You could be the woman in neon.

She was disagreeable.

Not bad.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

bitch i love how she asked like those like intense questions like why do you need a roommate

that's pretty fucked up by the way just like getting a roommate and then kicking them out

once you can afford it i know it was just that i was like damn i know what a liar she said she

could pay all her bills and then she's like i need a roommate right maybe she's a killer or

something maybe she's gonna like sell all of us i don't know she was just here for a few months

listen she was weird wrapping up some more news kim kardashian is pregnant again

yay yay yay embassy no nbc is planning on keeping brian williams in a non-anchorship role now

oh shit that's crazy and uh very sad condolences to vice president joe biden's son

Yes.

Bo Biden died of brain cancer machine.

Some of my silence.

Very, very crazy life.

Congratulations to Screech from Saved by the Bell, Dustin Diamond.

Right?

Dustin Diamond, yeah.

He dodged that felony.

Nine months in prison.

Yeah, he dodged some pretty big bullets there.

He made out luck.

They said he could still do 90 days.

No, six months.

He could still do six months.

I thought it was nine months.

Okay, you're right.

He behaved because of Screech.

He wants to have a baby.

Breaking news now, Carlito.

The Patriot Act has expired as of 48 minutes ago.

That's right.

That was the big thing.

We can now say bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, and no one can do anything anymore.

You can say that in an airport now?

Yeah.

Don't say it in an airport, Neal.

Go right now.

Say it on a plane.

Be like, I thought they weren't monitoring anymore.

I live by an airport.

I should do it.

I should go right now.

Do it on the air.

Yeah.

Yeah, I should take my phone with me

and be like, hey, TSA.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Do a little shuffle dance.

Bum, bum, bum.

No, I should just, like,

take all my clothes off or something.

Oh, yeah.

And then fart.

And, yeah, that'd be...

I'll queef in their face.

Okay, whoa.

Okay.

And the final news story

that pissed me off

is that Disney came out

and said they're not working

on Tron 3 anymore.

No third movie.

Oh, what dicks.

That's a blast.

Bastards.

They suck.

You know, they don't...

they they didn't get what tron was because like over at disneyland actually the california

adventure they had this thing was like all it was called electronica and it had you know obviously

tron was um emphasized but it was like a whole electronic like techno type thing they had djs

they had dancers it was badass and i i swear i think it was there and then they also had

flynn's arcade and you could play um video games and when like you know cash in for tokens and

and stuff the tokens said flynn's arcade on them nice there's badass all these really cool like

80s you know video games and stuff like that and i think it was maybe only there for like nine

months and they got rid of it i'm like get rid of shit like that put all that work into it and

get rid of it that's yeah that sucks i'm excited about the movie though you know i like the last

one oh well it'll probably come out later yeah i think they said they have too much on their

plate now with star wars coming out ramping up now in december etc etc a lot of shit going on

Can't work on it.

Whatever.

Hey, Carlito, guess what?

What?

At Disneyland, I guess they're doing, like, a different type of electrical parade now.

Oh.

For the 60th anniversary.

Crazy, huh?

60th?

Really?

Has it been that long?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Yeah, I feel old because I was there for the 50th.

Oh, interesting.

My kids are trying to get us to take them down there this summer.

Oh, my God, Baz, go and I'll meet you.

You have sex in the closet.

No way.

I want him to spank me for it.

okay just kidding oh my god my goodness okay let's continue on with the numbers

enough of the gabbing okay where are we at here need more or no no i think i'm good for the time

being i just have to find where i left off here oh here we go i'm gonna get you some hawaiian

people on craigslist soon man i go for some pie here's a seeking her oh we're into did leon did

the seeking roommate though who's next here's someone else so these are all people seeking

You can roommate sim, right?

Yep.

Same thing.

Here it is.

Call wants it.

Yo.

Call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Calling their cell phone instead now.

That was a cell phone.

That one was?

I think so.

It sounds like an iPhone voicemail.

It's a cell phone and cell phone.

Try it again.

Call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

All right.

Here's another one.

See if you have any luck here.

I'm just going to call the next one.

Okay.

This one's name is Jaina.

Probably a woman only deal.

Tell her you're transitioning.

I posted mine in private chat.

Okay.

This is Jana Hull.

Please leave your name, number, and a message, and I'll return your phone call.

Next one, Pam.

Hello?

Is Pam there?

Check.

Okay.

She was trying to find a room to rent.

She doesn't have a room to rent.

She's looking for a room.

We got a room for her.

She's looking for a place to stay, not someone to come stay with her.

Yeah, I know.

We have a room.

I'm trying to see if she needs a place to stay, goddammit.

Okay.

All right, hang on.

All right.

She's not in her room.

Can I get your number so I can have her call you?

Can you knock harder on the door or open it up?

The door's open.

She's not in there.

Can you check under the bed?

That room doesn't have a bed.

And why are you kicking her out?

She talked to me about that.

She's not really happy that you guys are kicking her out.

I'm not kicking her out.

I told her she could stay and rent the room she's in.

That's not the way she put it to me.

She said she had no option that you guys were making it impossible for her to stay there.

Why are you doing that to her?

I'm not doing anything.

anything. I told her she could live

there in that room for $300 a month.

She says she can't do it. She can't do it.

Can't you work with her? Yeah, I told her

she can stay there for $300 a month.

Well, work with her. Help her out. A little bit lower

than that so she could stay. Come on.

Please. Come on.

Help Pam. I know. She gets $700

a month. $300 for pretty cheap and then

she can spend the rest of her money on, you know,

food and cigarettes and stuff. Well, she needs

to be able to do something.

I have some more friends of Pam's on here

too and we just really want to make the case for you

to help her out. Maybe $200 a month

and we'll pay for it. Right, guys?

Yeah. Right, right.

Come on. Meet us halfway.

$200. Is Pam with you now?

No, no. I don't know where she went.

She's probably out porking some guy

for money. You make her do that

because you charge her so much.

That's not very much. That's a lot. Not to you.

It is to her. So who am I talking to?

We're members of her group.

We're in her

Alcoholics Anonymous.

See, it's not me.

it's different people that are staying here

you know, get along with them

well they were going through her stuff and there was a man

masturbating in her dirty laundry

what? yeah, she said that

she told us a man had masturbated to her

dirty laundry, she came over the other day

crying and we did her laundry for her here

with bleach, we had to do it

it was disgusting, and there was spread semen

all over it, all over

was it you? no

it wasn't me, but I'm probably the only one that

she would think of, because the only other guy here

is married and his wife

here, so that doesn't make sense.

He can masturbate, too. Just because he's married

doesn't mean he doesn't have to masturbate.

I masturbate. I'm married. I masturbate a lot.

I'm masturbating right now, actually.

Me, too.

Oh, my God!

I did something

with that guy. God damn.

That guy sounded like a creep.

He did. Like, for real, he's a creep.

He took offense and then we

hit a sore spot.

We're not kicking her out. We tried.

I'm going to give her a chance, man.

He got really weird when he was just like,

well, I bet you guys think it's me.

I'm like, whoa, wait a second.

She installed it.

Maybe he did it, Neon.

Uh-huh.

I don't like it.

All right, here's the next one.

It's a pretty good chance that he did.

Yeah.

Miles.

You want to talk to Miles, Baz?

I think that's a name for you.

Somebody else want to talk?

Dwight, you around?

Dwight died.

Already?

No, I'm here.

I'm here.

Oh.

Wait a minute, what am I talking to him about?

Miles?

Hello?

Yeah, Miles, you're looking for him?

Seeking a roommate?

Yeah, sorry, Dwight.

My buddy and I were reading your ads, and you're seeking a roommate?

Okay, yeah.

Can I call him?

Yeah, he's seeking a roommate.

I'm going to put him on the line.

He's a little bit shy, so just hold on.

His name is Dwight.

Okay, I'm going to put him on the phone.

Dwight?

Yeah.

It's the guy about the room.

Oh, sweet.

How are you doing there, sweetness?

Good, how are you doing?

Ben?

So how much is this room?

So this room is actually just for the summer.

Is that what you're looking for, or are you looking for something that's, you know,

Yeah, I usually don't last over six months at one place.

Uh-huh.

Well, so as of right now, I actually moved out, and I'm living in San Francisco for the summer.

Uh-huh.

And so my contract goes through the end of August.

Yeah.

I'm just looking for somebody to pick up and make me live there and pay the last four months or, you know, convey to this kind of place.

Now, are we sharing a room or is it a private room?

It's sharing a room, but the complex itself would be probably one of the best social scenes, I think.

And the reason I got kicked out of my last place is me and this guy, we were sharing a room.

We were cutting down on the ramp and we had two single beds in there.

Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night

And I was pleasuring myself

But I told him, I was like, you know, I got needs

I got needs, you won't let me have people over to stay the night

So I was taking care of business

Uh-huh

Well, I mean, this is a private room, we don't have an issue

I don't think that's why

I think he had some penis envy going on

Can we move?

Come if we can share a bed

Do you mind if we could push a couple beds together

And, you know, we jump on it

Alright, who is this?

This is Dwight

sorry i'm on the call too this is david i was gonna try to move into is this guy black because

i don't i don't share spaces with black people very good it reminds me when i was in prison

you don't live by a school by any chance do you because i can't be within a thousand yards

and he was framed too it was all yeah i didn't i didn't do it i mean just because you have a

a party with some of the

first graders in the neighborhood.

Does anything bad happen?

Michael Jackson can give the kids Jesus juice.

Why can't I? You know what I'm saying, brother?

Yep. You know what I'm saying, Carlito?

There he is. Yeah.

Wow. Jesus Christ.

That was Miles, everybody.

Miles is here for Miles.

Hey, Miles is Miles.

Miles is Miles. Next. Coming up next

is, uh, No Name.

Let's do it.

Do it with the horse.

All right, Nashby, no offense.

I'm moving on to numbers from the Neon.

You didn't miss me.

Tell me something pretty and I'll call you back.

Ooh, a slut.

Call her a slut.

I hung up.

Oh, my God.

Was that her actual, like, message thing?

Yeah, she was horny, girl.

I was going to call her a dirt fucking bitch.

All right, we'll leave her a message.

Let's do it.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Did you hear the Planet Fitness call, Dwight?

What did I do tonight?

Negatory on me, but...

Pretty good.

Thanks for listening.

Mr. Great Show.

I had stuff going on.

You didn't reach me?

Tell me something pretty and I'll call you back.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you finish recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

You're a dirty fucking skank, bitch.

Anyone else?

Poor.

Think my pinky's stinky.

If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.

To listen to your message, press 2.

To send your message with normal delivery, press 1.

Thank you.

Okay.

Carlito, do you think Adam West is still pissed at me?

Probably after what you did to him.

Sending him things to his room, or saying that you were sending him things to his room.

He's sending his homie Kanye.

Yeah, sending packages from the Joker to him.

This is the Tickle Package.

I got those all cut up last night.

The videos will be on YouTube right tomorrow.

You should have read, like, I've got a telegram for you, Mr. West.

And just read a riddle from the Riddler.

I thought it was really funny when we called that Austin St. John

and told him JDF was at the desk

looking for him. And he was fucking pissed.

He was ready to fight.

Yeah, I was like, oh, kick his ass.

I was like, yeah, he wants to

kick you in the dick. And he's like, I'll be right

down and we can settle that situation.

And I'm like, ooh.

He was ready to kick ass.

Alright, we got a double bed frame in Hawaii.

Right, these are Hawaiians.

Yeah, those are mine.

Maybe we can test it out.

Me and you, Baz?

Or what do you want?

We want to test it out.

Well, you've got the position for baths right there.

All of us.

We could use a sexual bench.

Yeah, you need to do the Skype profile pic for Carly to that position.

Hello, hi.

Hey, are you there?

Yeah, we're calling about the bed.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You called a couple days ago, yeah?

No, it's the first time I'm calling.

Oh, did you?

Oh, okay, okay.

what's your name

can I call you back

because somebody's

supposed to look at it

in a few minutes

I don't think

I'll try it out

can I have like a sex

with a sex bed

it's a

a double bed yeah

yeah sex bed

great

double

DP

it's a metal

metal frame

the good strong

metal frame

oh yeah

the heavy

heavy duty one yeah

it's my

heavy duty

the springs

good

duty

what is the big frame

not the big

oh okay

that's still

It's like the headboard is going to be crashing against the wall all the time?

Or is it sturdy?

Yeah, it's just a bit of frame I'm getting rid of.

Oh, okay.

But if you were to put a headboard on it, would the frame keep it from slamming against the wall?

No, I don't think so.

Because that thing is going to get seriously rocked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think so.

Like every day, all day.

Yeah.

Every night, all night.

Yeah, you can come over, too.

Well, someone's looking at it right now.

Oh, can we come and join in?

Yeah, can we come over, me and my friends?

Can we come over and we can join in with the people that are testing it out right now?

He's going kind of crazy.

He's not a bit, he's just a bit afraid.

No, I mean, I thought they were testing it out, you said.

Oh, no, someone is looking at it now.

Oh, you're there, too, honey?

Yeah, someone's looking at it.

You'll be joining us too?

Because we've got neon hair too.

Yeah, they probably took it already.

Hey, baby.

Yeah.

And Arnie's here.

Oh, shit.

Where'd that lady get involved?

Oh, my God.

Good job, Baz.

Yeah, call again.

I want someone to fuck the hate out of it.

Yeah, fuck the hate out of it.

Yeah, hey, I see you got a bed.

Oh, here's Mina.

Shut up.

It's Mina.

Shut up.

Hey, do you still have a bed?

Yeah, someone's looking at it right now.

So I have to call you back if you take it or not.

Oh, no.

Actually, I'll go ahead and take it.

No, but someone's there right now with my brother-in-law looking at it.

Don't let them take it.

We'll pay double.

Yeah, and then he'll take me on the bed.

It's not a bed.

It's just a frame.

It's on a frame.

It's okay.

We'll take it.

Okay.

Sleep on the barge.

She'll suck your dick.

We'll suck your dicks.

She'll suck your dicks.

More? We need good music, man.

It's King Crimson shit. Socks.

We're the worst band ever. No, I'm kidding. I love that band.

I think I just have a bad track.

It's the Buena Vista Social Club.

Buena Vista?

You want that Latino stuff?

You've been taken over with the Spanish-speaking stuff.

What? He's singing.

I heard you had a very Hispanic show the other night.

it was all spanish talking there were complaints all over the place they're like is that your music

carlina i'm sorry i'm totally listening to you but was that your music that's playing yeah yeah

i thought that was evil arty trying to sing i'm sorry i should already try to say who's singing

arty i'll lose my shit i'm sorry art is like i used to be in chorus

chorus this one i used to make fun of the chorus kids this one time already joking around told me

that when he was a kid that that you didn't you say you lit your neighbor's house on fire

and you know you were talking you said it joking to me you said it to me

and i was like oh it was a joke that i was like i think i told you that i was like okay i lit

lit their house on fire and then you're like police and fire people came i was masturbating

he was telling me like you know like i had a rough childhood i'm like oh shit already all right he

told me that like what what what the fuck he's like no i'm kidding like oh my god like for a

second i believed it like oh yeah fire fire 14 year old kid waking off yeah yeah we've all

felt it though fire is fucking hot man you know literally fucking fuck i'd fuck a fire like you

guys would you fuck on a burning bed no no i would hell yeah on a bed of nails yeah nails yeah all

right honolulu kelsey what's kelsey got going on um did i put the link there yeah let me check i'm

sorry some of them i kind of spaced out and didn't put what they were selling no web page for this

address 404 all right let's call it next one is coconut tree stumps for sale

your call has been forwarded to a fire with air or something i don't know

those are gonna cook and you're in the woods coconut stumps we could call people that

you're big old coconut so get a big coconut stump these numbers work dude

oh you've reached michael lynn 5038753934 leave a message at the tone please record

record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for

more options i'm busy copy pasting so we're gonna leave this guy a message hey guys say something

hi mike hunt how's it going coconut stumps i got one over here i need you to grind it down

it's in my ass call the grind bro yeah all right see you later guy

I'm a wanker

I'm gonna wank

Oh my god

Good job sir

Oh shit

I don't think that's necessary

Looking for coconuts

I'm sorry

That's where we left off

Moving right along

Motherfuckers

Here is

Manny

No

Wait no

A Halloween cat

Serving tray for sale

They had a great time

Of year to sell that

I'm gonna get some

Halloween stuff

This time of year

It's nice and cheap

Every year after Christmas

I'm always like

I really should buy

Cheap

Until I hang on them

For a year

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You have a Halloween cat serving tray?

Yep.

Okay.

Does it have any curses or incantations casted on it?

Oh, wow.

Sorry.

Uh-oh.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Ooh, you were onto her.

So, she dipped out real quick.

You know what are shitty Christmas gifts when you get something for Christmas and it's Christmas-related, like a Santa thing?

Oh, look at that.

I hate it, because what am I going to do?

Put it in a box for a whole year?

Yeah, I mean, guys, we want stuff like, you know, like a drill or something.

What are you supposed to, even if I was a girl, like, okay, great.

I get to wear this for a few hours or a day.

Oh, I thought you meant it was like a decoration.

Even a decoration.

Well, it's like a new decoration for the year.

And you're just going to build your collection off on years.

Like, oh, I remember when I got that one.

It's a gift you pack up the next day after you get it

and don't see it for 10 11 12 months ridiculous or you pass it on to somebody who doesn't have it

but they won't see it for 11 months what a good thing you don't take it out till after thanksgiving

oh it just kind of makes you remember that time that oh my gosh somebody gave me something cool

yes if you especially like it come on manny pick up manny hello manny don't know what's going on

there the next one i don't know i don't know either uh the next one is mike who has free stuff

looks like a bunch of free stuff calls let me look at these let me see where they go

anytime you can stuff it for free yeah looks like some printing paper dictionary a gas can

nice uh scrabble monopoly and oh i got an idea triopoly yeah can i can i take it i got an idea

you for that. Coffee filters?

Much shit. Alright, let's do it.

Here we go. Might have a good time in Vegas.

Ooh, Spaceballs on TV.

Hey, I'm calling about all that free

stuff you got. Yeah, you know what? I need to

delete the ad because it's all gone, but thank you.

Oh, man. Hey, could you give me some

other free stuff that you have?

You want me to give you other free stuff? Yeah.

Like a TV that you

give me for free.

You know, no, I don't have a TV I can give you for free.

A laptop or a tablet. Maybe an iPhone.

His girlfriend's pussy. Yeah.

I mean, I figured I called, and the ad was still up, so you've got to give me something free.

It's what the rules say.

You'll have to call back.

He has to until he takes it out.

Yeah.

You're entitled.

What'd you call it?

Hello?

Yeah, you've got to give me something free.

It's the rules.

You think you're funny?

The ad was still up, and I called fair and square.

It's Craig's rule.

Buddy, I know Craig.

You know who this is?

I don't know.

I go golfing with Craig.

It's a 156 number.

He's a cool guy, except for that time he had a few too many beers

and he tried to touch me there in the back nine.

On the back page?

Yeah, but I'm going to tell him he's not going to be happy.

Do you have any mathematics books?

Any what?

Mathematics.

What's your name?

Private.

That's a really interesting name, bro.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

What's another one, bro?

Gordo's here.

Gordo, I just saw that you had asked to be on.

didn't know oh no it's okay i understand make him wait you're busy dude this is worth it morgan

can you add morgan too yeah morgan sure morgan machines princess morgana of alderaan i have

added her this is just worth it just for that space balls dvd fuck it i would have picked all

that other shit yeah networking like a pro dvd heck yeah man hello hello what's up hey

Congratulations.

I heard.

That's great news.

Thank you.

You're approved.

The next number we got here, another one in Honolulu.

Free binders.

You want some binders?

Anyone binders?

I can't pass up.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

Okay, next song because that's killing me.

I'm done with the binders.

No answer there.

Coming up next.

Let's see.

Is it this one?

Graduation decorations.

Right time of year for that, I guess.

Three yard stakes, a card box, and more.

They already had their party and won't need to use them again.

Indeed, you only graduate once.

The plan, at least.

Does anyone want free graduation decorations?

No?

I'll take it.

All right, already graduating.

Congratulations, kiddo.

Tell them you're going to have a party.

Tell them you're going to have a party, but you didn't really graduate.

Say a bunch of sex offenders are graduating their program.

Well, just tell them that, like, your parents are going to throw the party for you or whatever.

They don't know.

But you didn't really graduate.

You flunked.

I was going to see if they'll include the alcohol.

all kick you have reached the voice mailbox of i thought it must be turned off sorry uh that

didn't work out for us didn't pan out nemi has free rosaries that's what i'm talking about i

need to do some shit with those rosaries i'm gonna eat while i'm lady gaga dang these numbers

suck sorry it's okay it's been that kind of hello yeah you have free rosaries are you making them

Yeah, I make them.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

Are they blessed also, or no?

Well, I pray while I make them.

I say, you know, for each Hail Mary bead, each Hail Mary knot I make, I say Hail Mary.

And then for the Our Father beads, I'll say the Our Father prayer.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

But, I mean, has a priest, do you know how a priest can bless them?

Yeah, no, a priest hasn't blessed them.

Shit.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

And they're beautiful?

How do they smell?

Do they smell like old ladies?

No, it's made out of nylon cord, and they're not.

Oh, very nice.

So they're durable.

Yeah.

All right.

So how do you start the Hail Mary?

How do you start the...

What's the first thing you do?

I have...

What's the first thing you do?

What do you mean, how do I start the Hail Mary?

The prayer?

How do you start the rosary?

What's the first thing?

You start at the cross, and you do the sign of the cross.

No, when I'm praying it or when I'm making it?

When you're making it.

Well, no, when you pray the rosary, tell me.

What do you do with the three beads at the beginning?

Yeah, when you pray the rosary, you start at the crucifix,

and you say, I believe in God the Father Almighty,

the Creator of heaven and earth, and all that is seen and unseen,

and maker of heaven and earth.

And then you do the Our Father.

He defecated a McDonald's out of his ass.

That's what?

And then the Our Father is the next bead?

come with me

Hail Mary

and then the third one is Hail Mary right

and then there's three Hail Marys

and then you save the first

mystery for whatever day it is

yeah and there's three sets of

mysteries there's five mysteries

oh shit

there's I actually

they come with instructions on how

to pray it yeah but you wrote the instructions

so help me out please because I have one

now I have a adult

I have a sexual rosary.

I can email it to you if you want.

Okay.

Yeah, that's fine.

At what point do I pray to Almighty Satan?

I want you to be, let's say,

Almighty Satan, wash the world with your powerful blood

and destroy all the people, the good people.

At no point you would say that.

The rosary.

yeah oh wow at what point do you say hail mary tell jesus to stop being a fucking asshole

in my regard and i don't understand why i can't pray to jesus directly to your fucking son i

gotta talk to you first like you're fucking uh his secretary well you can no you can't no they

say you can't you can't pray the rosary to jesus well excommunicated if you do you're praying

Actually, you are praying the rosary to Jesus.

You're praying to Mary to intercede on your behalf.

But you're praying to Jesus at the same time.

No, no.

You're praying to Jesus by proxy.

I don't understand why he made that arrangement.

Talk to my mom.

How rude is that?

Just tell humanity, oh, just talk to my mom, and she'll get to me if it's important.

You know what I mean?

That's really, you know, that's bullshit.

That's not what we signed up for.

When he said he was going to die for our sins, we didn't sign up for later on.

Oh, well, but if you need to get a hold of me, talk to my mom or talk to this saint.

And maybe they'll intercede on your behalf and talk to me and maybe I'll do something.

What's he doing up there?

Seriously, all this stuff going on.

I mean, look, it's not raining in California.

Russia is involved in Ukraine.

The economy is in the toilet.

There's terrorists running around.

well yeah there's i mean there's a democrat and there's definitely evil in the world yeah there's

definitely evil in the world but i don't what's he doing what's what's he what's he doing my dog

got hit by a car last week my dog got hit by a car and died where was jesus i'm sorry you feel

that way whatever so well how many rosaries can we get then can we get five yes you can oh good

all right and i'll pray them really hard would you like to have a rosary date with me where we

we can pray the rosary together um i pray the rosary by myself i i is it and i actually yeah

it's a private thing for me no it's not because you can pray in the church out loud with everyone

at the same time i know but for me personally i like to pray alone don't why are you so ashamed

of of praying the rosary do you do it naked i'm not i'm not ashamed of praying and it's i don't

No, no, I feel like it's such a sacred space.

Spaces, yeah.

And I just...

Yeah, what were you saying?

What were you saying?

I also have a mental illness.

Uh-huh.

You have a mental...

I also have a mental illness that prevents me from being social.

It's hard.

It's really difficult for me to be social.

Like Vokapu?

And actually doing the rosary thing is kind of a way for me to reach out to people.

Do you think it's maybe an obsessive-compulsive thing that you do?

Making the rosaries?

Making them and praying them over and over again, no?

Not really.

Are you married or are you single?

I am married.

Oh, that's good.

Are you into Opus Dei at all?

Into what?

Opus Dei.

I don't even know.

What is that?

Well, I'm presuming you're Roman Catholic, right?

Yes.

Well, I mean, I don't know everything about it.

Well, listen, Opus Dei.

Hey, we're a group of, we're an actual prelature of the Holy Cross.

And we were recognized by Pope John Paul II.

We're the first institution of the Roman Catholic Church that teaches that everyone is called to holiness

and that ordinary life is a path to sanctity.

Okay.

And, you know, we have various tenets that we practice.

Veneration of the Holy Cross is one of our big things as well.

You sound like you'd be really good, you know, really good for that.

We need more soldiers in the future coming up here, you know, especially in Hawaii on this island, you know.

Yeah.

Have you never, you never heard, we were founded by Jose Maria Escriva de Balaguer in 1928 in Spain.

Yeah.

He was a Catholic priest and he said that he experienced a vision and he saw Opus Dei.

He gave the organization, he gave the name, which means, it means work of God in Latin.

Yeah.

That's cool.

it's beautiful yeah oh come on come i'll look it up on yeah i'll google it yeah and we have um oh

god like we have like these prayer groups that we all do together and we do mortification you know

what mortification is it's when you give yourself discomfort or pain to god and we i have a bracelet

that i wear and it has these little spikes that point inward and it doesn't hurt it doesn't break

break the skin but it's just you kind of feel it all the time you know and it's like a slow

flagelation you know kind of always giving yourself up a little bit yeah and then when my

when my wife goes down on me oral sex i have her use her teeth sometimes it's a kind of

self-flagelation also okay yeah because she kind of rakes me with my teeth with her teeth on my

cock if you if you um send me a self-addressed stem dumbbell box then do some rosaries just

Just tell me how many you need.

Neon, how many do we need?

Honey, baby.

We're bi-religious.

We go both ways.

Wow.

I just rambled on for a long time.

You guys down to do a little more?

We're here, right?

I'm down.

How about a Pizza Hut?

You think this Pizza Hut's open, Neon, that you sent me?

Really?

I'm so down.

Oh, he's a customer.

Oh, yeah.

Pizza Hut customer.

All right.

These are old pizza numbers that Brad gave on Friday night.

so they had deliveries on friday um this gentleman got a flavored dipper with ham and pork

very healthy let's give him a call let me change that's a flavor dipper i imagine it involves

involves dipping the food i don't know i don't know though sorry couldn't help you there madam

already what you've been eating lately anything big on the menu any not really no all right i've

actually kind of cut it back since i stopped smoking so much cut it back you gotta cut it

back then you got to yeah um that's right i'm changing my caller id standby girl do you do a

really good job on your conferences by the way you seem to be pretty well organized and all that

thank you i appreciate that if anybody wants in message me hello yeah hi is that lloyd lloyd hunt

oh no uh did you order pizza hut yesterday or friday rather i'm calling from the pizza yeah

yeah oh yeah yeah you had the flavor dipper with the ham and pork right yeah delivery um sir is

Is there a reason, did you have a problem with the delivery person?

Because I guess they said that you were kind of rude to them, made them feel bad.

They refused to come into work today because of the experience.

I don't know, Papa. I'm half asleep. Go ahead and call back.

Well, is there a reason why you didn't invite them in when they delivered the pizza?

Invite them in?

Yeah, I mean, they come to the house, you know,

and they said the first thing is that you didn't even let them come in to sit down

While you did the transaction

And you made

Them

You made him stand outside

While you did the money

And everything

Why didn't you

Invite them in

To have a seat

I don't know

You know

While you figured out

The money and everything

And also

The tip wasn't good enough

They said also

Okay

Yeah

So I'm putting you down

We're blocking you

From any deliveries

From now on

Well that's

Well that's fine

We'll get a Papa John's anyway

It's better

Yeah you'll get that

Piece of shit

Fucking watery pizza

Won't you

you motherfucker you yeah yeah you'll shit out of brick too after you eat it yeah we got hot

girls working here now they'll never go to your house to deliver it so we got two hot girls now

doing delivery and you'll never get them yeah yeah they'll never come to your house sometimes

very cool sometimes they come together and they'll kiss each other's breasts for you

when they deliver pizza yeah they have big natural breasts too yes yes yes yes yeah all right well

good night hey have a good night all right thanks for shopping with us yeah you're on the asshole

customer list yeah great all right bye yeah back to you all right back to your mama too

fuck you my neighbor my neighbor yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah good great great great yes yes yes

yes that's right oh yeah pizza hut pizza hut do what now pizza hut pizza hut okay bye bye papa

john bye fuck okay as she said after this call you should have called back as papa john's told

we heard about him being an asshole from pizza hut you're on our shit list too you're in the

national registry of pizza hut asshole pizza assholes um okay this guy here got two medium

and pan pizzas, a meat lover,

bacon, and a ham pineapple.

Man, I love that meat lover. I've been having it a lot

lately, right? You always hear me...

I always do the...

Because it's $11 for a large, I just

do my own. Yeah. And I put

like extra chicken on there, which

always costs you fucking extra

cash. Fuck you. You lost me a chicken.

See you later. I didn't even want to know you.

No, I do like a spicy Hawaiian. I do like chicken

and pineapple and jalapeno

and ham. Loser.

chicken it's a loser you lost me my respect now ripping my contract up now yeah fuck you

chicken pizza come on i can't i can't get unemployment benefits now because carlito

writes right down there chicken pizza fucking loser chicken on a cheese is a piece of shit

hello hello yes hi is this the hunt residence yeah good i'm calling from pizza hut you had

had an order placed on Friday.

Yes.

Two medium pan pizzas, a meat lovers, bacon, ham, and pineapple.

Great.

We're going to need those pizza boxes back, please.

Are you serious?

I can't.

Yeah, we came by for your box pickup.

You only get to lease the box until you're done eating,

and then you're supposed to leave it outside for us to pick back up.

Shout out to Brad for that, man.

I love those calls.

He did a little while back.

Yeah, I remember those.

Just tell them that we have

Discovered there might be

Fecal material in their pizza

Yeah let's scare them

Let's scare them for their lives

Dwight I was just kidding with you buddy

I love you Dwight

Chickens are

If you want to do chicken that's okay

It's just not my thing you know

It's alright you can do chickens

But you gotta admit that $11 any pizza deal

Online Pizza Hut

Is a great fucking deal

Even their specialties

Their new specialties

yeah you can you can put any i think it's up to like 10 toppings they won't let you go over 10

yeah and i think chicken is actually one of their premium ones they charge a little extra

and extra cheese i think i don't know i don't know but dude i love that shit man 11 dollar

pizza i get a meat they started doing mediums for 6.99 any toppings oh fuck yeah but you gotta you

gotta order two pizzas so what's it you know what everyone's all my life don't get the anchovies

and I never had anchovies at all, even on a pizza.

You know what I mean?

They're good.

Are they good?

What are they, salty, I'm guessing?

Yeah, very salty.

Yeah.

What goes good with that?

Do they even offer that at Pizza Hut anymore?

They're kind of bitter, too, though.

There are some places that don't even offer it anymore.

They're traditional in Italy.

Yeah, that's what I hear.

And in Greek dressing, the traditional is you puree.

Yeah.

You puree the fucking bitches in the Greek dressing.

Nope.

Yeah.

Also, in the original Caesar salad recipe, it was anchovies.

Ah, anchovies.

So it's just a salty...

What would you pair it with?

Would you, like, anything?

I don't know, I just like it on

it goes really well with pizza, to tell you the truth

I actually like it

what are your other toppings going to be?

I like onions, you know, maybe some onions

with that

like a handful of gravel is usually pretty good too

oh fuck yeah

getting on teeth

You know, I always like to have on my pizza, no matter what I have,

I like to always try to get the onions and the green pepper,

because I think that makes a real pizza flavor, you know, onion.

And then the anchovies just give that salty, you know, fishy taste.

Yeah, I'll see if my pizza, I have one a week,

and maybe I'll look into this anchovy thing, this new anchovy craze.

Yeah, you can get like anchovies in half or something and try it out.

Yeah, yeah, totes.

Or you can actually just buy a can of anchovies and just put it on a piece of pizza.

Oh, I don't know about that.

That's a lot of work right there.

All right, so that was the Hunt residence we got hung up on.

Another one here from Neon.

Once again, thank you, Neon, for sending in these numbers.

Locklear is the last name.

Two large pizzas.

Supreme, Meat Lovers, Pepperoni, whatever.

The Locklear residence.

And I'm starting to get a little tripped out.

This is going to be a...

Your call has been forwarded to an auto...

I'm not retrying it.

And here's the last one.

Brittany, who ordered two large pizzas.

if anyone wants it it's been an odd show i wouldn't say it's a bad show i'll just say it's

kind of oh you should call howard back okay oh yes howard hello yeah hi you had a pizza order

on friday i'm calling from the pizza hut hello two o'clock in the morning and you're calling

from my pizza hut yeah you called you made an order on friday at the beginning of the weekend

of um yeah you had the pizzas um we need those boxes back are you done with them what boxes

Your pizza boxes? You had two large pizzas.

We allocated you two large boxes for 24 hours.

Our driver went by again today, and you hadn't left them outside for us to pick back up.

We didn't know we were supposed to.

Yeah, those are permanent boxes.

We get them back here, we wash them, and reuse them again.

We didn't know we were supposed to.

Yeah, they're special boxes. They're not regular boxes.

You have to pay $49 each to replace them.

Who?

You guys would have to if you threw them away or broke them or something.

Or don't return them.

Shit.

She's like, fuck that.

I don't pay my bills.

Call her a cunt canoe, Carlito.

Ooh.

Oh, sure.

And if she doesn't pick up here, we'll call our friend Howard.

Hello.

Yeah, ma'am, please.

Come on.

We need this stuff.

We need it back.

Don't make me have to bill your card on file.

You still have them boxes?

No, I don't.

What did you do with them?

Nobody told us who was supposed to.

Need them damn boxes back.

Yeah, this has been policy for over a year now.

First of all, you don't call me at 2 o'clock in the morning cussing.

Well, these are our damn fucking boxes, okay?

And you're stealing them.

Cuss.

Yeah, they don't know a deposit.

They made a deposit on those boxes going on the credit card now.

Yeah, high-risk delivery area, man.

Speaking of which, I know a lot of our listeners here, and RBCP included,

We're fans, are fans of that Daredevil series on Netflix.

I saw the first episode today, and I must say I was kind of under-impressed.

I hope it pans out.

Really? I haven't watched it yet.

It definitely gets better.

That's what I read, too.

I haven't watched any of it yet, though.

All right, I'll stick with it.

I figured it probably gets better because I heard good things.

And that intro is just super awesome.

I was always a huge fan of the comic book.

Yeah, the comic book.

All right, here's Howard, guys.

Howley Howard.

Nope.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice.

I can't have it, guys.

I'm leaving.

See you guys, everyone.

Thanks for being on.

No, thanks for having me.

Thank you.

Gordo, are you doing a conference after this, Gordo?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

And Plumie and Baz, thank you, sir, for being on.

Yeah, thank you.

It was fun.

Dwight, thanks for numbers.

Neon, thanks for being on.

Welcome.

Give me some numbers.

Morgan, thanks for being on.

I suffer from negritis.

Yeah.

Ari's going to talk to you.

386 represent.

I'll see you later, man.

Bye.

That's them.

them friends of mine who do prank calls with me this is prank call nation i'm carlito the host

of madhouse radio and the founding member of the network i would like to thank everyone who joined

me today as i already mentioned i'm in the process now trying to get milkman back on the line here

it looks like he's yellow i think he might be a sleepy sleepy milkman right now damn it um i will

be back on next week that should be what is it going to be the 7th damn it's june 1st my birthday's

coming up this month saturday the 20th i'm three weeks away from my birthday oh yeah i'll be back

on next week at 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific same day sunday the 7th um maybe i'll do a daytime show

during the week be on the lookout that'll be a sudden thing you kind of just got to watch for

that to happen when the guy calls from that new conference okay um madhouse live.com is my website

said also as i mentioned before if you haven't been there yet please do so now and see you next

week take it easy

Calls (40, 1 h 36 min of 3 h 7 min)

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