Does It Get Your Pecker Hard? 6/12/2015

Yeah, I don't appreciate being called black, by the way.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

It's my birthday.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

The host, Carlito, of the show that I'm doing right now.

Thank you for joining me.

Those, those few of you who have.

Music is too loud.

A few of you who have joined.

Thank you.

All right.

I'm here to do prank calls.

Looking for work.

These were sent to me via Gmail.

Okay.

Well, we got for sale.

Three-point carry-off.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

Let's call them about it.

Let me change my caller ID to the local area code first, though.

Okay.

Here we go.

You got the three-point for sale?

Yeah, I got that.

I'm talking to you all.

well what's the what the why what do you do with that shit talking about it says three-point carry

all uh three-point hookups and some home loss yeah attachment forklift oh because you didn't

write that in the ad it just says three-point carry all i can't tell what the you know what

the fuck it is well if you go to track and supply they'll list them there as a three-point

carry all and that's the way they're listed it's you can put a flow on it or you can just use the

Oh, shut up.

How much can you haul with it?

How much weight can it take?

Do you know?

I have no idea.

Probably up to 1,000 pounds.

Oh, so you think that's enough to put your mom's fat ass in and carry her around?

I don't know, but if you're trying to play a joke, you're a sorry son of a bitch.

I'm trying to buy a three-point carry-all.

Hello?

It says carry-all.

Hello?

Motherfucker.

Hello, motherfucker.

I'm going to think he knows he didn't hang up the phone machine.

Hey, the phone machine's working.

Okay, there you go, yeah.

All right, well, James Parkman sent these in.

Thank you.

That was the first page that's stuff for sale.

Now, I do that all the time, stuff for sale.

I want to look for jobs.

Damn it.

Let me go to the right page here.

Let's see, this is for services.

No.

I thought he had jobs on this motherfucker.

Aw, damn, I was all excited for jobs.

unless maybe it's not on this page okay here we go here are the jobs i found the jobs there's not

many i was expecting more jobs all right i think there's a different page to this because it's

someone that was like really big with a lot of jobs and it said like no no phone calls please

stuff like that anyway here's a part now they say no phone calls but no phone number never mind

uh all right we got a water and sewer superintendent position he's got the call

places out of the phone book i guess off of google map your call will be transferred to

the attendant may i help you hello female attendant how are you fine thanks all right

i need to speak with someone regarding the water sewer superintendent position now i want to talk

to someone i don't want a machine well the only thing i can tell you is come in and pick up an

application oh shit motherfucker really that's all i can do right now listen what that language is

pretty bad oh right oh i'm sorry oh man i just i haven't worked in so long application i haven't

worked in so fucking long i forgot oh i did it again oh shit oh man oh that's the only way you

can inquire about the job is to come in then why put an ad like that why not just say that in the

ad why put a phone number i don't understand well what questions did you have it was self

mandatory in the paper what qualifications yeah but all right but you just told me that the only

The only way to inquire about it is to fill an application, but then you put a phone number in there.

So I think there's something else to this.

What could possibly be about it?

Well, I mean, there's clues.

I'm looking at clues here, right?

Because you put in phone number, so there's a reason to call.

I think I've got to find the right combination of things to say to get ahead here, right?

Well, I don't know.

Who makes the hiring decision?

Not you.

you you're just a like a phone operator right no i'm actually uh one step i'm a billing clerk

oh geez yeah but still you're not like a man that works there right what the heck i mean manager i

mean manager i mean manager i mean manager what the heck call him back here's the man my favorite

rapper of all time ghostface killer

may i help you yes i was calling about the water sewer superintendent man position

yes all right um i'd like to see if i could speak to the man in charge okay can i tell him he's

calling yes this is cross i he was making me a final job offer what's the first name cross cross

is your first name cross is my name cross is your name your first name or your last just cross that's

all you need is cross okay let me see if he'll take the call okay honey i wanted matt to join

me he loves these daytime shows but he is not around he is not the answer this is ron hey how

How you doing, Ron?

Big fat Ron.

How you been?

I know.

I understand you're talking to my girls pretty rough.

What's the reason for that?

Oh, no.

I wasn't talking to your girls.

What do you mean, your girls?

Here in the office.

You call them your girls like that?

Well, they're not my girls.

Are you calling about the job application?

Well, yeah.

Well, they said you used foul language with them.

The girls in the building, whoever answered.

No, no.

Because, I mean, like, I haven't worked in a while.

That's a good way to get hired.

Well, no, I just, I forgot, you know, the whole, not to say F-U-C-K and stuff like that.

That's my fault.

But I apologized, but I told her I needed to talk to, you know, the man in charge.

And she got upset because I said the man in charge.

She was like, what do you mean the man in charge?

I can tell you right now, I'm not impressed at all.

Well, she was like, what do you mean man in charge?

I was like, no, honey, I didn't mean it like that.

And then, you know, I call back and you're calling them your girls.

So you're doing the same thing.

you know your speech but i can tell you right now there's nobody in unifying so you can just

oh you can't you can't turn me you can't turn me down like that there's laws sir in this county

there's laws language like that there's laws in this state where you have to take the application

no matter what well i'll send you an application no no no i have to come in that's that's it she

said to come in well you can come in and pick one up yeah that's fine okay well i'm gonna come in

in and fill it out we'll sit down fill it out there and i'll give it to that one honey baby

that was talking to um maybe i do you guys like chipotle i'll bring some chipotle yeah you know

just to maybe you know smooth come on in and get you an application though i won't say you can't

have one and you can't say that i can't fill it out i can give you one you fill it out and you

turn it in yeah and then you can't say that you won't consider it what you can't say that you

You won't consider it.

I'll consider it.

Yeah, I will.

And you can't say that you won't call me back for an interview.

I don't have to interview if I don't want to.

Oh, yeah, you do.

If I'm more qualified.

No, I don't have to interview.

I pick who I interview.

No, no.

If I'm more qualified, you're supposed to interview me, the more qualified person.

That's the law.

If I look over your resume and your application and I think you're qualified, I'll call you in for an interview.

Well, it's not up to you, sir.

It's what my qualifications say.

Yes, it is up to me.

Sir, there's laws.

I'm the manager.

There's laws in this state, sir.

I don't think you understand.

There's laws in this goddamn state.

You can't do some shit like that.

Come on in and get you an application.

Fill it out.

How about if I suck your dick?

Okay.

Nenu sent in a bunch of Muslim names in Glasgow.

Just a minute, please.

While I prepare this.

Doing that shit again.

Any day now, Voxox, you can dial.

I was thinking about it.

There it goes.

Fine, be a bitch.

Try a different one.

I hope you all are having a great Friday.

Hope a lot of you are getting out of work early since it's Friday.

Big holiday weekend.

I'm excited for the holiday, too.

Can't wait.

I'm going to have some barbecue.

Yeah.

Holiday weekend, everybody.

Any minute now, my dialing apparatus will be back up and we can continue with the calls.

I'm not going to call that place to get in the water sewer superintendent position.

Done enough there.

But I am going to try a few of these new, new numbers.

Still waiting.

Oh, there we go, there we go.

Decided to work.

Let me copy that number again.

First dial always takes it a little bit.

Oh, Jesus.

I got a...

I went to get lunch.

I went to McDonald's.

I got a fish fillet sandwich, and I'm saving it so I can eat it while I'm applying for work.

Because it's always so rude, but...

Yeah, hi, is Mr. Muhammad there?

Okay, motherfucker.

Hi, Mr. Muhammad.

Hello?

Yeah, Mr. Muhammad.

Hi.

Is that you, sir?

Mr. Muhammad.

This is Mr. Muhammad.

Yeah.

How are you?

Good afternoon.

Okay.

Good evening, yeah.

Yeah, um, who, were you having sex with your wife right now?

Pardon?

Were you having sex with your wife right now?

Yeah.

Oh, does it smell bad in the room because you did that?

No.

What does sex smell like to you?

Fuck yourself, you fucking bastard.

Is that what it smells like?

Like Vaseline and shit?

Okay.

Oh, and fuck yourself, you bastard, he said.

Buster Casey taking his daughter to see Lana Del Rey.

Awesome.

I'm a Lana Del Rey fan.

She gets a lot of shit for her live performances, though.

She gets a lot of shit about her live performances, so beware.

Concert ticket buyer, beware.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Sex!

All right, next one.

This is another Mohamed.

Another Momo.

I am on tinychat, eating live, eating fries on tinychat.

tinychat.com slash prank call nation.

Welcome to the messaging service.

Here's the next one.

Yes.

Hi, Miss Mohamed?

No, it isn't, Mr. Mohammed, and stop ringing this number.

Hey, don't talk to me like that, motherfucker, you.

What the fuck?

She must get that a lot, noo-noo.

Wow.

Damn it.

What was that about?

All that for that.

All right, next Mohammed.

Hi, Dirty Aaron.

Hi.

Muting.

Hello?

Hi, Miss Mohammed.

Yes?

Oh, hey, I'm drawing a picture of the prophet Mohammed right now.

I drew a picture of him.

No, she doesn't like that.

God, do you hear how slow it does that?

How are you?

i'm good heard you last night on last night on the air the night before when was it it was the

night before night before yeah i stayed up 28 hours straight the other day couldn't fall asleep

couldn't fall asleep really sit up for yeah crazy anyway well good to hear you man yeah yeah i've

been excited i just get i get so fucking bogged down by the technical problems you know it's

it's not really the technical problems that i want my show to sound like your show and i always

struggle with that like with the with the music you know like having background music and then be

be able to like take a break and play pranks and shit like that like yeah it makes for a better

show did you ever get that program for me that fixes your stereo mix i don't want to talk about

stereo mix we just don't i just every time i see stereo mix i i say fuck but i got a way i got a

way to fix it i know well i actually the last time i did a mixler show which actually works out

really well because not only does it put it in like the pcn podcast feed and uh i was actually

able to do a lot of that stuff just without my mixing board and stuff like that so there you go

there you go well you should don't worry about the quality too much as long as you got a full

line and people can hear both sides of the conversation i think you're okay right i'm

calling a theater the brady theater i would give it to you but i have a special idea go ahead i

mute you'll get the next you've reached brady theater the brady box office is open at 12 noon

Noon on show days only for the Brady Theater concert calendar and online tickets.

Visit Brady Theater.

I mean, they're closed or something.

One of those we only answer when the fucking show's on.

All right.

Right.

This place is open until 5, so it should be open for sure.

This is the Theater Tulsa.

Is this me or you?

You want it?

Go for it.

It's all you.

I want to use their popcorn maker.

Yeah.

You think they have one?

I mean, is it a movie theater or is it like a Shakespeare theater?

I think it's a Shakespeare.

Well, that would be even funnier then.

Yeah.

This is Allie Peter-Colsa. This is Laura.

Hello, Laura. This is Mr. Westwood calling. How are you?

I'm doing fine. How are you?

I'm doing fine.

Hey, I just need to, I'm with American Popcorn Servicing Machines,

and I need to make sure that your popcorn machine has been serviced properly.

We sell the oils and the bags and the proper cleaning equipment for your popcorn maker,

and I just want to make sure that you're being properly serviced.

Wow.

She was saying we don't own one and hung up on you

Well she needs to call back

And not be so fucking rude

Thank you for calling Theater Tulsa

I'm sorry that we're not available right now

You can leave us your name and number

We can certainly get right back to you

Or you can email us at info at theatertulsa.org

Thank you have a good day

Why won't you want popcorn in the theater

I mean that's just weird

For a second I thought she was just saying it

Oh my god

You know I had a couple ideas of like calling the grocery store

yeah i'm asking if i but i bought like some uh coffee at like costco but i can't grind it all

so i need to bring it to their store and then like uh see if i can use their coffee grinder

and bring in some trash bags and shit like that all right hey let's call the we're gonna call the

grocery store that was the first one i ever worked at yeah watch watch this the first job ever had

that or i get the deli department see if you can bring your own meat and have them slice it for

are you yeah yeah yeah slice that meat baby hang on i gotta look on the map see if i remember

is it here saxon here we go found it used to be in albertsons now it's a public's best sub

sandwiches you can get in the state of florida public's man no doubt they make the bread right

there for real making the bread right there and uh they use the boar's head meats oh man man and

they got the good cheap mayonnaise the good cheap shitty mayonnaise the hellman's yeah just well

Well, tell them it's on the East Coast and something else on the West Coast.

I think it's Duke's on the West Coast, and we get both here in Pennsylvania.

Because we're the Keystone State, baby.

All right, you ready?

Publix.

And tell them Carlos sent you.

All right.

If they ask.

Tell them I was a bagger.

Opening date, September 97.

For calling, located at 21.

Do you want a department, or?

Yeah, well, let's call the deli.

I guess somebody's going to at least answer there.

Press 1.

Deli, press 2.

Prepare to.

Somebody stuck their hand in the fucking deep fryer.

Can't answer the fucking phone.

Oh, they got good fried chicken there, too.

Oh, yeah, dude.

They soak it in a celery salt brine first.

Oh, my.

That sounds good.

I've redone it here at home before, and it's the best fucking way.

Definitely marinate your fried chicken in a celery salt brine first.

Thank you for calling Publis Customer Service.

Dana speaking.

How may I help you?

Hello, Dana.

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

That's good.

Yeah, I'm fine. So what I was wondering is that, do you guys have a coffee grinder there? Do you guys like fresh ground coffee and stuff like that?

No, we do not.

Oh, okay. So you just sell the whole beans, but you don't have a grinder?

Yeah. I mean, we might sell a coffee grinder, but we don't have one available.

oh i understand and then i was uh uh also i was trying to reach the deli do you think you could

transfer me or is this it just kept ringing and ringing and ringing so are you the yeah i'll

just the default person okay hello if they don't answer is it going to ring back to you because i

don't want to get hung up on because the automated system is horrible too late what the fuck yeah

this is the public well the grocery store i developed the stories of ronnie in the lobby

department and all that that's my senior year of high school spent all i'm working in this

fucking store here was i was class of 2000 except for i dropped out of school in 97 so

oh so just like me you were done nice huh cool man class 97 yeah yeah high five i dropped out

of school and went and got my ged yeah it's good enough degree it's an ordinary love oh man i want

to hear that song now you know what i'm talking about what can i it's just is it just an ordinary

love i don't know i have to put it on the youtube find out there's a pretty good 80s mix i've found

a couple you know like that depeche mode and shit so this is an ordinary love but it's by

youtube i don't think that's it it was i thought it was a chick it was like this is no yeah i know

which one you're talking about it's the same era of like the uh uh there's so many songs like that

now i can't think yeah they're all one hit wonders or whatever all the 80s say yeah say sad that'd

be her yeah i think she had a few of those she had a few jesus christ with the fucking hold is

this back to the woman again i don't know oh fuck she threw his back in the transfer

hello hello who is this again monica monica is this the deli or is this the customer service or

what this is the deli oh okay uh gosh it took like 17 minutes for you guys to answer uh did

you get your hand stuck in the deep fryer or what i'm sorry uh why did it take so long to answer

through the phone well we're a little busy right now so when we're oh is it yeah i know yeah it's

lunchtime or whatever at three o'clock i get it um so what i need to know is that uh what uh how

big is your meat slicer how big is it yeah like the blade size like is it a 10 inch is it a 12 inch

um oh you're gonna go yeah okay you can have an ordinary love with her no she's saying it's not

not ordinary it's crazy crazy big ariel and the fucking guy in the little mermaid

oh it's 12 that's nice okay so here's the deal is that what i did is i bought a roast from you guys

i brought it home and i cooked it i was wondering if i can bring it back in and you can slice it up

for me so i can have sandwiches because i'm unsure you know sometimes that meat that they

sell is like kind of processed and stuff like that and my wife is really concerned about like

like the anal nitrates that go into the food.

And, you know, so I just want to make sure I'm giving her the right stuff.

So what do you guys charge to slice up meat like that?

I'll call my manager real quick and see what he says.

All right.

Okay, hurry up.

Fell down.

All right.

It's a good video, man.

The mermaid's going to fuck the guy.

It's all rules.

Oh, dude, mermaid fuck?

Yeah.

How come there isn't any mermaid porn?

I'm sure there is.

I just haven't.

I don't know how they're breathing underwater.

oh yeah murmur that's got to be not i'll make i'll be the mermaid the merman merman we tried

to fuck in a hot tub it's hard there's too much resistance i can't that's pool i've been able to

get away with in the pool far away from the jets i mean well her back was against the jet so kind

of pushed her into me but it was real pain in the ass but i'm fat too right more surface area

yeah yeah i'm fucking in a pool slow before jesus christ this is slow so now i know why you worked

at this place because they're slow and fucking lazy i was not slow and lazy but i did smoke

Smoked cigars in the hidden all the time that I took from the lobby department.

But with permission of the manager, he's like, yeah, sure, take them.

Fucking shit, are you serious?

I'm going to ask the thing to put me on the fucking payroll.

All

right, are you able to slice anything in the deli unless it was already cooked in the store?

Okay, so then if I buy it, so say I want to, what was your name again?

Monica.

Okay, big Monica, here's what I'm looking to do.

What if I buy the roast there, have you guys cook it for me,

and I get you to take your big arm and just slice that thing up for me?

I'll have to check.

Don't fucking put me on hold again.

I swear to God, I've been on the phone for 15 minutes.

I'm about ready to get on the payroll over there, all right?

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure.

Can you just yell across the thing and say how much?

I'm sorry?

Why are you sorry?

The problem is I've been on the phone for 15 minutes.

I've been transferred four times, been put on hold.

I'm having to listen to the hold music, which is terrible.

Okay, well, I don't have to put you on hold.

I'm a lawyer.

Listen, I charge $125 an hour.

We're already into this thing, 50 bucks.

How much to cut the meat?

We don't normally slice the meat.

that's why i was saying i need to talk with the manager again because we don't let's get let's

get the let's get the let's get a man who knows what the fuck he's talking about on the phone here

okay one second i'm gonna have to put no don't don't fucking put me on hold you just get him

on the phone okay give me a minute this is the kind of woman that's like okay with domestic

violence like she's not like against it but it is deltona that's where i grew up man they call

it del rico now that's a joke she's like she's like yeah well you know i fucked up the meatloaf

So I had to get a punch in the face

The spaghetti was too hot

I had to get a punch in the face

Spaghetti, yeah, exactly

We were out of ketchup

So I got thrown down the stairs

You know, whatever

I know a woman that got hit

Because the guy was in a bad mood

And the spaghetti was too hot

He ate some

And it was burning in his mouth

And he like

And he threw the spaghetti

Onto the ceiling

And then he hit her

She was a church member

My mom had to get involved

To find her a shelter

It was so crazy

I was like 13

I was like

Why would someone get mad

Because the food is hot

Like

wouldn't you get mad it was cold or something like fucking it's too hot because he's a fucking

alcoholic that's why he was he was fucking that's like they said he beat horses too oh well that's

just mean yeah it's okay to beat women but not horses you get more time in jail for abusing a

dog than you do your wife well dogs are more intelligent than women some of them fuck and

shit what it's gonna be the longest call ever post friday nobody cares jesus christ i mean i've

avoided are they cooking fucking corn dogs out there or what they're frying chicken and making

subs man it's the best shit in the world they have red apples out there they got red apples

everywhere man they don't have them in portland global society you don't have any red apples there

no you pretty much find any produce anytime of year now when it's the season it's cheaper

the store is called red apple oh you got me no they grow a shitload of apples in washington

yeah that's right and their their their uh their mascot used to be like an indian it used to look

like the cleveland indians indian nice and it's gone now but it had a red in the title yeah that

was that his name red apple yeah oh it's something like that it quietly changed to like the washington

like his name and and like a red apple symbol chief red apple chief red apple they used to

have it like a big big fucking head like on their factory and shit it sounds like a gay

apple factory it sounds like a gay indian chiefs chief red apple over there fuck me you can hang

hang up on these people this is terrible they'll come back all right i'm fine i don't care either

way i'm just eating my macaroni and cheese with broccoli oh you ruined it with a broccoli

way to take the macaroni and cheese and make it smell like fart that's all you did you like the

taste of fart i guess yeah all right we'll hang up bye my first job i love you i love that building

forever i did a lot of stuff there i have a lot of memories smoked a lot of weed in that parking

you know i have to work too oh yeah this one girl she was kind of ugly she had big ass titties

titty fucked her not my car but i convinced her in my car i plied her with marijuana i was a senior

she was a junior what'd you get to do it you got to see your titties yeah and then i titty fucked

her yeah it was great oh nice oh yeah man titty fuck in the car how the fuck did you do that the

car no we went back to her place but it started in my car started right yeah oh yeah dude so many

any fucking red apples in seattle yeah man all right you ready for another one you want a red

apple seattle all right we'll go there man red apple whoops red just a shitload of them red

apple markets is what it's called i'll found it okay let's see if this works call the one

next to cobra's house good afternoon thanks for calling prom now red apple hey may i help you

hey how's it going uh i was wondering do you guys have the coffee grinder there yes we do

Well, you have the fresh coffee beans and stuff like that?

Sorry?

You have the fresh coffee beans to grind in the grinder?

Okay, and it is working.

You can come in and do it.

Okay, that sounds fine.

You weren't hearing me very well, so I had to talk like a four-year-old.

The deal is that I have like a giant bag of coffee beans that somebody gave me.

I don't have a grinder.

Can I bring them in and grind them there?

I'll pay you for the grinder time, but I just...

It's free to grind your coffee beans.

here yeah yeah i'm bringing a trash bag it's like a trash bag full of coffee beans that my friend uh

let me see hold on okay hold on my friend smuggled in some cocaine mixed with coffee beans and it'll

separate it right they're colombian coffee beans there's about half pebbles in there i can't believe

she has to fucking ask of course not tell her a quarter of the bag is pebbles you just can't sort

through them oh right yeah there's some rocks in there too that's not a big deal hello hello okay

Okay, my manager said that's fine.

You might need something to put it in after you're done.

Yeah, no, I got a trash bag.

See, what it is is my friend, they're Colombian beans,

and he smuggled in some items, and the coffee bean was with them,

so they're just left over.

So there might be some stuff in there that's not coffee,

but it'll grind up no problem.

So I'll bring in a trash bag, and then do you want me just to buy, like,

a water or something like that, and then I can just come and grind it up?

You don't have to buy anything.

Our grinder is free for all the customers.

It's just you need something to put it in after it's grinded.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

Which location is this?

23rd and Jackson.

All right, perfect.

Well, I'm going to be down there with my bag, and we're going to grind it all up.

What's your name?

All right.

What was your name, honey?

Nicole.

Are you slim?

Are you a slender gal, or are you a nice big girl?

Excuse me?

Are you a trim gal, or are you a nice big girl?

I'm also

I'm kind of looking for a date too

So

You know

Can I have coffee together

I got a lot of coffee

No

No none of those things

Okay I'm

I'm busy now sir

I'll see you when you get here

Okay

Alrighty

See

Here's the fucking problem

I've noticed with

Prank calling people

In Seattle

Is that

They're really

Fucking nice

She was kind of bitchy dude

Really

I don't know

But I mean like

You know

Try and call some place in like

I don't know

Chicago or something like that

man fuck you just hang up on you you know hey down the street well right in the same

plaza there's an islam presentation and invitation place okay i'll call probably

one answer fly by night religious places usually don't have anyone answering the

you never know all right look there's a box jack customer do have called it is unavailable

magic check this out there's a lot this is uh this is definitely seattle there's a starbucks

at blends coffee standard brewing it's a whole bunch of coffee places on this one road in this

one block yeah jenny coffee and deli what is it with the coffee and you guys good god coffee in

seattle i mean that's where it fucking started i mean don't they grow coffee in seattle that's

where they invented it yeah no yeah it wasn't it definitely was not um it wasn't a thing no it

wasn't a thing no one drank coffee until starbucks invented it yeah yeah until emerald starbucks

started i went to the local starbucks today and i mean it was like the ass kissing there

has just gone fucking next level really yeah oh my god they're in trouble they like know everybody's

name that comes in there and shit like that and that annoys me because you don't have a coffee

maker you don't like that you don't need that i just want my coffee i want you to shut the fuck

up tell this lady the same thing all right okay this is brent how's it going hello did you drop

the phone hello hello did you drop the phone no oh okay can you hear me okay i don't need to speak

speak louder. No, you're fine. Okay, great. So I was just wondering, what's the, what's the coffee

procedure there? What do you mean? I mean, what's the procedure? I mean, is there a, I kind of have

like a social anxiety problem. So I need to, I need to make sure that the lobby is large enough.

I'm not going to have anybody like come within arm's reach of me. I don't want, I can't be

touched. It's a, you know, it's a problem from being sexually abused by a priest. So I, I just

I just need to make sure that there's room for that

and that whoever's going to be selling me the coffee

isn't going to ask me any questions about my weekend or whatever

because it's none of their business what I do.

Well, everyone's pretty friendly, but we have a large lobby.

Okay, they're really friendly.

I mean, that's okay, but it's really none of their business

what I'm doing on the weekend, and I don't like it when they ask me.

I mean, that's part of our job.

It makes you uncomfortable.

Your job is to make the coffee and to shut the fuck up

and give me what I want.

That's the job.

Well, no. Is there somebody else?

Hello? There's a dial tone.

That's what you get

when VoxHox decides to finally hang up.

I can recall. Redial.

Oh, shit. I don't know where I come up with this shit.

I got sexually abused by a priest.

You're crazy. Someone to solve

projection.

Starbucks on 23rd and Jackson. How can I help you?

Yes, hello. This is Brent calling again.

Were you the woman who hung up on me?

Yeah, I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call back.

Why not?

Don't be sworn at over the phone.

and it is not my job to make sure that my baristas aren't doing their job.

Right, but where does it say that they have to ask me a bunch of questions

just so I can get the coffee?

It's part of their job to communicate with you, sir.

Yeah, so here's how it goes.

It's like, what do you want?

I want a coffee.

How much is it?

It's this much.

Can I have your card?

Yes.

Thank you.

That's all there needs to be.

We don't need to have a conversation.

It's a service industry.

Starbucks philosophy, we like to have a conversation

and get to know our customers.

I'm really sorry if that bothers you.

You should go to a different place.

I should go to Tully's?

I guess.

Or maybe Pete's Coffee?

Or Carlos' Coffee?

To Tully's, sir.

Well, Carlos' Coffee, they have a donkey show.

Okay.

When is the donkey show at your place?

Probably never.

Too busy asking questions.

I'm going to keep asking questions on the phone, too,

so I'd really appreciate it if we could just end this conversation.

Okay, well, just put the phone down.

I guess that's it.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's funny or not, but...

Well, you said they're all nice here.

I don't think so.

No, you don't think so?

I've heard nothing but rude and mean people and nasty people so far.

Well, it's just weird that they would let me...

I told them I'm bringing a trash bag full of coffee in,

and they're like, yeah, come on in and fucking grind it.

Her only concern was that they have enough to take it with back.

I just got to bring a bag with you, man.

I'm scanning through this newspaper, looking for anything good.

Under finance, people trying to sell the house, mobile homes for sale.

uh we got a guy with a bunch of shit for sale bumper pull corn pro or whatever i'll call him

uh dwight's up early boom what's up mother i never heard you on the air so early yeah i was uh

oh i don't know what the fuck i was doing you know what you're doing i know i just got done

doing some dishes oh wait i called this place sorry oops wrong number it's not gonna start

doing that again is it it has been a little bit yeah i gotta work on it it's still i could still

work with it. You just gotta be a little patient

when you hang up and dial it.

Alright, shit for sale. Thugs.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic

voice message system.

Boom. I'm gonna stick to the map.

This felt better. So I'm gonna throw stuff out there.

Dwight, if you see anything you want, you yell.

If I see anything I want, I'll do it.

Alright. The Urban Buggy's a restaurant.

Meh. Chef Cafe.

AutoZone. Have you ever fucked with

an AutoZone? Let's do it.

They're very unscrupulous people working there.

Fucking AutoZone.

Hey, how are you doing, Jose?

Oh, I heard an accent. I'm sorry.

How can I help you?

I need to see if I can get the part.

Oh, okay. Well, what part do you need?

I need the main machine part for the car.

Main machine?

Main machine part, yeah.

Mission?

Main machine.

Is it a branch?

No, it's just the part, the main part.

You're talking about, like, the main relay you're in?

No, you know, you want to look it up by the car.

Okay, there is no main mission.

There's the part that goes in it.

The part.

The broken part.

Hey, I'll put my mechanic on.

Okay.

Dwight.

How you doing there?

You got the missions for the missions there, Manuel?

Okay, like, are you talking about, like, the OPD-2?

Like, what part do you need?

Yeah, yeah.

Who's this?

Is this Manuel I'm talking to?

This is T.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Heard an accent.

Yeah, I need the converter.

uh for the emissions that makes you go and then the uh the gas comes out like i mean like i don't

know what party you need like catalog converter yeah well how many parts go boop boop and then

the gas comes out and i'm not sure yeah i don't know what are you talking about man yeah um the uh

you got the tail the tailpipe converter the catalytics yeah catalog like catalog converter

you got muffler okay i don't understand your accent hang on let me put the other mechanic on

Hello?

Yeah, I'll call back.

What the fuck?

His name is T.

Right.

Yeah, Aaron's a mechanic.

He should be doing this for me.

Sure.

It's like I put a mechanic on this note better.

It's like I got my retarded mechanic.

Yo, bro, make it go.

I retire being a mechanic.

Oh, you did?

Well, you still know.

Pedro Coronado's on.

This is Pedro.

Pedro, I'm looking for...

I got a Cadillac here.

What year?

year uh it's a 1975 you said cadillac yeah what model uh that would be the snoop deville okay what

are we looking for uh looking for the cadillac converter cadillac converter yeah it's the five

it's got the 500 in it does show that as the engine hello yes are you there just gotta you

know it sounded like you hang up on me okay it looks like we don't have anything for that vehicle

that kind of nothing okay what about an exhaust you got the exhaust there muffler maybe exhaust

exhaust muffler yeah the exhaust muffler machine second all right does it got the are you looking

up the one with the right engine it was the 8.2 right yeah 500 yeah cheapest one we have is probably

24.99 what is this why do you why are you assuming that i want the cheapest one this is a cadillac

i want the best one that's why i drive the best car is a cadillac one is 105.99 that's what i'm

talking about what what is it because is it because of my accent that you think that i want

something cheaper no it's just um we're supposed because i have a because i have a white guy accent

you think that i'm automatically think i'm a cheap ass no all right well why are you quoting

me the cheap ass price don't you want to make any money over there or what you're never going to

make manager if you're quoting the cheapest price you know what i'm saying yeah i know what you're

saying but i mean that's our policy offer the lowest to highest first all right yeah you offer

the bullshit that doesn't work and that breaks all the time i get it all right so uh what do i

got to do to get that thing uh on my car can you install it for me there in the parking lot or what

No, we kind of saw it here.

I pay cash, big dollars.

I only use $100 bills.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I mean, you work on the side.

You know, a lot of guys do that there.

Yeah, it's like we're prohibited to work on vehicles here outside.

Well, what about your house?

You sound like you know what the fuck you're doing.

Come on.

What's the problem, dude?

Or, you know, one of your other buddies there put the muffler on for me or what?

On hold.

Hold?

We have been held.

Is he going to put the guy who's going to do the job for me on the phone?

I hope it's the guy from before.

I told him it's a Cadillac converter.

I'm thinking about getting my goatee shaved like Tony Stark.

Fuckers.

They hung up.

It's a slow hang up now.

God, that took forever.

Tell him you were driving a Lincoln Town car and you need the Cadillac converter.

I saw that.

This motherfucker over.

I'm calling for tea.

You know the pump on you.

Yeah, I need to speak with tea.

Yeah, this is tea.

Uh-huh.

What's the problem?

What?

And what's the problem then, huh?

What's the problem?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

You know what the problem is, what just happened.

What's the problem that you have, huh?

Yeah, because he's calling, like, this is a business, man.

I'm not calling.

I'm calling back from my brother.

He said that you gave him a lot of shit on the phone.

You know what?

It's a business, dude.

Can you look up a part?

It's a business, though.

God damn it.

I was at Sears the other day.

I bought a fucking...

I don't know why customer service annoys me so much,

because I know that they don't give a fuck.

I know for a fact they don't give a fuck, but they treat me like I'm a fucking, like the greatest customer ever.

And I know it's a lie, so it makes me mad.

Yeah.

I don't like fucking liars.

Yeah, man.

And this is at Sears.

Yeah.

They sold me an air conditioner.

All I wanted was the air conditioner for them to shut the fuck up.

What's wrong with that?

I don't want to fucking tell you what my weekend's doing.

Like, it's none of your goddamn business.

It's true.

Yeah, Tom, save your fucking smiles for somebody else.

Yeah.

Dude, I hated it when you...

it's not

not a problem

as much now I guess

but before

like let's say

10 years ago

if you went to Best Buy

you try to buy something

and it was

they just kept pushing

the

production plan

really hard

like

it was like

life for death

and they try to upgrade you

in a bunch of shit

and they'd be like

calling you out

almost personally

like

what's wrong

why don't you want this one

why don't you want the build

do you want the bigger one

like they'd talk like that to you

right

well you get the 42

when you can get the 50

for $100 more

yeah

Yeah, but what I hated was the stupid spiel for the protection plan.

So I stopped even going for a while.

I remember I was there once, and I was pissed off about that.

And I heard this guy going off on one of them.

He's like, I'm never coming back because you guys keep doing that fucking sale thing.

And he walked off, and I told him, yeah.

And he's like, yeah, and he did it back to me.

I didn't buy anything from Best Buy for a good eight years.

Jesus.

Just annoying.

I remember how annoyed I used to get at Radio Shack when they asked for my phone number.

now every now it's normal to give your phone number when you you know yeah bill burr is one

of the comedians i listen to all the time he's always like and he's traveling all over the place

every time he buys something he says it's you know they're asking for his information he's like

no and the people just they fucking can't take it like you know same with the guy at sears i was

like well i'm not gonna give you my info he's like well if you got it if you want to pick it up at

the back door you gotta fucking give me your info i was like i'm not carrying the goddamn thing

downstairs all right hey let's call the walgreens let's call the pharmacy yeah you better give me

my fucking drugs and shut the fuck up i'm just hoping i can get him to pick up because walgreens

calling him is a pain in the ass i need to pick up my medical cocaine when's that gonna be ready

for calling walgreens located at the northeast corner of 23rd avenue south and south jackson

street in seattle with convenient pharmacy drive-thru service

Get mobile alerts when it's time to refill and when your prescriptions are ready.

To start receiving text alerts today, text JOINRF to 21525.

You know what they did the other day when I was at Walgreens?

They gave me a be well.

Press 8.

For the pharmacy department, press 1.

For all other...

You see the Walgreens, I signed up for that to get my text when my scripts were ready.

it worked like once it has never worked since they never text me to hear pharmacy hours and

location right it started rounding the money up did you get that fucking deal what what do you

mean so they i signed up for the uh card or whatever and then every time i went there all

of the transactions went to an even number and i was like what's the deal and i was donating

whatever leftover change to like some fucking charity i didn't even know about oh you must

have signed up for it then someone did well that's what they said that's what they said

i'm like no i didn't but what they do is they automatically enroll you and you have to opt out

that's weird well for me the first time it came up it stopped me and i said do you want to sign

i was like no and it never came up again but that was like over a year ago when i started yeah but

dude i love it because i get my 10 off i get all my meds there so i get my 10 off and uh i buy you

know those water enhancers like mio yeah they got a they have a wyler's brand and it's only a dollar

And with my 10% off, it's $0.90.

So I literally go and buy whatever.

You need those drinks because of the diabetes, yeah?

So I just buy every single one.

I clear out the shelf every time.

They'll maybe have like 12 out.

And for me, it's like, all right.

It comes out to like $10, $11, something like that.

$11 something would change.

And I'm good for like a month and a half.

I'm all over the place.

I'm like mixing them together.

They're not as strong as if they do go faster than the Mios.

I know.

They just have less liquid in them.

But they still have a pretty decent amount.

it's only fucking 90 cents. Mio's go for

three something usually.

Maybe $2.99 on a sale day.

Yeah, because you can't drink anything that tastes good, right?

Well, I'm getting used to just water

and lime now. I'm getting there.

I've been out of

the water enhancers for a month.

I haven't. And I went to Rite Aid today

and dropped off my pain med script

and I did not. I saw them

and I said, no, I'm going to stay away.

I said, no.

I turned my nose and I said, no.

No, I actually kind of did.

I was stoned when I was there.

That took fucking forever.

So this isn't a scheduled show, is it?

No, just...

Carl, do you want to do a show?

Under the hour or less, I planned for two.

And we are 1.16.

Yeah, I need to get better at sticking to that.

Time for two.

I've got to do some stuff around the home before the old lady comes up.

I'm

looking at pizza hut site right now and on the front page it says let me get back to that

that's what it says it says wings delivered no pants required so can we get pizza hut to deliver

us some fucking wings and we don't have to wear pants when the delivery driver comes well it's

like the delivery driver that fucking uh cobra got his ass beat because he fucking you know you

open the open the robe and then hello hello hi hello where is this hi hi where are you hello

is this the pharmacy yes is this the pharmacy hello is this right aid pharmacy no it's

It's Walgreens Pharmacy.

Okay, that's what I meant.

Walgreens Pharmacy.

Are you the pharmacy tech or are you the cashier?

Please identify.

Pharmacy tech.

Okay, and what is your name?

Okay.

Glenna.

Say again?

Glenna.

All right, Glenna.

How's it going?

I don't know why it took us so long to get to this point.

All right, I want to check stock of your Trazodone.

You got enough to fill my prescription there?

Okay, Trazodone.

Telegram.

Uh, 100.

How many?

Uh, it's going to be 500.

500 tablets?

Yeah.

Okay, well, we have enough.

Okay, not $4.99 or something like that?

Uh-huh.

Okay, and then what about, do you guys do the, are you guys set up for the medical marijuana dispensary yet, or what?

Oh, we don't do that.

No, not yet?

No, never.

Okay, that's fine.

And then are you interested in maybe going on a date?

you sound kind of exotic okay no that was weird you got the fast beat back now are you there

what's that what the fuck all right what's the problem what's wrong with your phone over there

it's beeping at me it's messing with me right now nobody's messing with you my name is brant

and i'm looking for marijuana trazodone and a date well you can find those outside the pharmacy

oh yeah really what's the action like out there i'm sorry what's the action like out there is

Is there a bathhouse nearby, or what's the deal?

There is.

Oh, really?

Is it co-ed or just for men, men like Brad?

Yeah, just for men.

Men named Brad?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

That sounds nice.

What time do you get off work?

I'll just wait for you outside.

Midnight.

Oh, yeah, that's perfect timing.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, Glenna.

We'll see you then.

See ya.

Waiting for ya.

Still, put the phone down, honey.

I love that slow

What's that about

I couldn't think of anything funny

It's alright at least I got the frustration

The funny thing is it's going to be at midnight

When security is escorting her to her car

Yeah

I'm surprised she said

I doubt she gets off work at midnight

Because it's one o'clock that means she'd be working there

For fucking

Oh the pharmacy's never open until fucking midnight

Some of them are well it depends on where that is

23rd and Seattle

Seattle? Yeah, there's some 24-hour

ones, because the ones close to

hospitals are usually 24 hours.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to think

about what side 23rd

that is. Was that west

23rd? Oh, I think it was,

yeah. I think it was 23rd.

East 1999, that's what it was.

East 1999.

99, 99, 99.

Okay. Hey, guys.

Oh, yeah, Brad's here. Hey, Brad.

What's up, man? Oh, men like Brad

in the bathhouse. Yeah, Brad.

plane plane gta there's a hacker right now that has every single plane spawned at the airport

right now so you can just go around and fly random planes that you've never flown before

yeah and he's got like all the cars spawned in the airport it's like all these people are at

the airport just driving things and flying wow i wonder what roxo's gonna have to do to fix all

this because now it's getting crazy yeah it's getting like yeah they're just killing people

all the time this had the same thing happened on xbox last year and uh you know it lasted a

few weeks and then it was just gone forever oh that's sad they'll fix it hopefully i last night

when i was playing uh me and turbo were in a server and i found uh basically the coast guards

fucking helicopter attack helicopter at the airport so i was flying around fucking shooting

the shit out of everyone and i was waiting for turbo so i parked on the freeway and i was just

lighting all these semis and cars up as they were driving by are you on which platform are you on

Xbox One.

Ah, I didn't know they had hacking on there.

That's cool.

No, there's no hacking.

It was just, I went to the airport to just grab a helicopter, and that was there.

And I was like, hey, you're right.

So there was hacking in the PS3, PS4 version.

I don't know that.

Yeah, yeah, there was on the Xbox 360 just last year.

And it lasted a month or something, and then they took it away.

As far as I know, it hasn't been back.

He said, no.

No.

Cobra's doing the PC version.

Is it in the same?

Can you go to the same place as the PlayStation people or not?

No.

No, it's all separate.

Did you see Carlito with Windows 10 and Xbox One?

They are actually going to do cross-platform.

Yeah, I saw that.

That's coming.

Really?

Yep.

Is it going to be actual cross-platform?

I thought they were just going to stream from one to the other.

It's claiming cross-platform.

It's like one game that's coming out right now,

and you're supposed to do it cross-platform.

Duck Hunter?

No, I don't remember what it is.

I think it's a fucking kiddie game or something.

I hope it's Duck Hunt.

It's coming, man.

It's coming.

And if it's successful enough, then PlayStation will have to, you know,

Sony will have to do some type of wormhole into it to make it work

because they're going to be losing out.

Start sucking some Microsoft dick.

The hacks weren't as extreme on the 360.

The ones that I saw, it was mostly just money hacks.

They were just giving everyone billions of dollars.

Yeah, this shit's getting crazy now.

Yeah, right now I have $1.6 million.

people blow everybody up and on the map and it gets blamed on you when you're not doing anything

i love that i always join in on the blaming even though i know it's not them

and they try and they're like no they're framing me and i have fun with that that's what a hacker

would say yeah so are the new planes any good the new shit isn't fun what am i having fun i'm just

flying random things right now i have a hydra already that i've got this church with the

reverend kenneth jay ransom here is the battery no one's able to take okay i purchased i purchased

the hydra was stolen with a hacker money ah and it has weapons right it's a jet weapon it's one

of those that flies vertically yeah yeah where you can make it take off like a jet like a hell

shoots missiles it's awesome sloth bought one of those with real money ah with that not dirty

Yeah, I was going to, but the hackers kept giving me money.

Does that make it right?

It was going to take me forever to save up for it.

That's nice.

Nice of those hackers.

They're like Robin Hood.

I love that sound.

Where's Lonesome Loser?

I don't know.

Last time I went to surgery, you know, I took a break, and he did not make it across.

I don't know.

Sloth's on my server, and he's heading toward me, just like always, so he can come and kill me.

He's going to kill you.

Stupid Sloth.

We're sorry.

The number is...

Uh-huh. Are you guys there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very good.

Uh, uh, give me just a moment. I have to grab something in the other room.

Sorry, guys. I'll be right back.

Hello?

Yeah, hey. How are you? Hello? Hello?

Do you have a horsey for sale?

Yeah.

Oh, is it you selling it or someone else?

I'm selling it.

Oh, and what's wrong with this little hiney leg?

The bow tendon.

Aww.

Aww, poor thing.

Aww.

And what's Horsey's name?

Precious.

Is she really precious, or did you just say that?

That's her name.

Do you love her?

I guess.

Okay, but you're okay giving her away?

No, I'm selling her.

Well, yeah, but you're okay to sell Precious?

You don't love her that much?

I'm just trying to give her to a better home.

Aww.

Okay.

All right.

Can I just make sure to be able to ride her real quick and talk to her?

Make sure she's okay.

I'm not with her right now.

But when are you going to be with her?

I don't know.

You don't know when you're going to be there again?

With the horsey?

You don't know?

How come?

Because I'm not down there with her.

Oh, but then how are you going to sell her if you're not down there?

I sell her when the person comes and wants to look at her.

Yeah?

Okay.

So when can you be there so I can look at her?

Whenever you come look.

You're really difficult and you're really starting to frustrate me.

What about tomorrow?

Well, you know, don't go around with me, lady.

And maybe here and maybe there

Pendeja

I don't get it

Trying to connect the guys again

This is Carlito, I have recovered

There was a blip in power

And the laptop stayed on

The cable modem went out

But the router

I'm sorry

The cable modem stayed on

but my router restarted itself and my main computer restarted or yeah rather it stayed

off i lost power so i had a wrist start yeah uh let's get i'm reconnecting rbcp dwight

journey aaron for some reason i dropped mpsa cobra in there i don't know why are any of you

connected yet dwight you there i'm here hey brad hey what's up man hey dwight i see you're

connected to it no he's connected still how you been brad man talk to me you've been real busy

Oh, super.

You've been good?

Yeah, pretty good.

Playing lots of GTA.

Cool, man.

Hello?

You've been doing some good stuff for these shows.

Hey, what's up?

We're back.

Cobra there?

He failed to connect.

He said he was going to leave earlier after he left.

He had things to do.

Yeah, no, I'm not on the phone here, so I've got to go.

Oh.

Oh, I put in my hour.

I think he hates me, really, because as soon as I come around.

Yeah, that's it.

I've got to go away.

It's been every time there's a consistent pattern of this between you two.

I don't know why.

Well, you know, we're in competing cities.

He's in Albany and I'm in West Linn, so it's like, you know.

Oh, shit.

It's true.

Goes back to the streets.

All right.

Yeah, it's out on the streets.

All right.

Where's West Linn?

It's right by Willamette Falls.

Oh, okay.

Well, who has the better Costco?

Well, there's like three over here, so I don't know.

How many Costco do you have?

I don't go to Costco.

I only go to poor people's stores.

Ah, all right.

Yeah, fuck a store.

Red Apple?

Apple. Fuck a store you gotta pay a membership

to get into, right? That's fucked up.

Yeah, no, that's horrible. I still have my old

Costco card, though, so I can occasionally go in

and just shoplift things. The squash?

I just hold it up at the door and they let me in.

Get a hot dog stand? Or go to get a hot dog?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You actually don't need the Costco

card to get a hot dog or to use the pharmacy.

That's good. So if you just walk in,

if you just walk in and tell them you're going to the pharmacy,

they'll let you in. They can't say no.

Can I go up to the pharmacy and be like, can I have some heroin?

And since I'm in the store,

they'll give it to me, right?

Oh, yeah. Heroin is for members only.

Dude, but those hot dogs...

I have my old membership card, though.

Those hot dogs at Costco, man, they put that glaze on it.

You know when they're done putting it in, they brush it with this fat water?

It's like water and fat mixed together.

They kind of brush it on there a little bit.

No, it's good, man.

They use hot dog juice.

Oh, it's great.

I've never had one before.

You've never had a Costco hot dog?

Bro, come on, bro.

I had their pizza one.

No, I was going to say they have shitty pizza.

but the hot dog is banging you get like four or five of those man yeah i'll leave you i'll take

out the spot aaron you have yourself a good night maybe uh all right buddy do a show tomorrow or

something all right i'll see you later yeah yeah see you later bye bye all right just you and me

brad just like you know when we founded the network me and brad yay so you're doing good

you've been it's like christmas you've been doing good calls to stuff lately i've been enjoying the

snow plows thanks keep it going did you listen last night i don't remember if anything could

it happen last night yeah you had like one or two good ones last night i was giving you ideas

remember i was listening oh yeah of course well i remember i kept i kept telling that one lady her

uh mispronouncing her name and she's getting really frustrated with that wait this is the

shoe show we're talking about right my days are jumbled up this week well i did one last night

i think i missed last night i don't know yeah i don't know yeah no yeah i think you were giving

me ideas like two shows ago yeah shoe show was good though the rat i gave you the idea about

About the rat family inside the shoe.

Yeah, that was great.

She wasn't disgusted at all.

Hey, I have leftover shoe people, but they didn't answer the first time, and then they didn't answer last night.

Oh, we could try them.

Okay, let me add, do you need plus ones on them?

No, not for Voxox, no.

You can give them to me in Naked.

Okay, here, I'll give you the first two stores first.

And if they don't pick up, you're probably scratching permanently off the record.

Yeah.

Are these all of them for now?

Yeah, the first number up there, that's the shoe store number.

All right, I'll send my SID to the copy-pasting for ease.

Payless shoe stores.

Yeah, man, someone was telling me Payless is expensive-er now.

More expensive.

They're not Payless anymore.

I'm like, okay, I think it's just a change in prices of stuff globally.

Yeah, or maybe, you know, like it's, you know, inflation.

Maybe the slave labor is finally starting to get cracked down on.

I don't know.

Such a bad thing.

Yeah, one of my kids got shoes early the other day.

That's how I found out about this.

But, you know, they paid $25 for a nice pair of shoes.

It didn't seem that horrible.

Well, for me, it was embarrassing to have to get sneakers there for a while.

My mom did not want to, for a while, want to get me really nice shoes.

And it was a big cultural, it was a big social thing.

Like, ah, nigga got L.A. gears on, you know, stuff like that.

And I finally was like, no, Mom, I'm not going to wear shoes unless you get them from my foot walker.

I put my foot down.

You wore L.A. gears?

I had to.

Well, like, I was still 10, but already everyone was starting to wear Reebok pumps,

Nikes, like the first Jordan came out.

And my mom was like, I don't have money.

I don't have money for that.

Now they're putting air in the Nikes.

What's next?

I'm like, oh, my God.

It's not, whatever.

The work of Satan, air in the Nikes.

The air in the Nikes, and now they got the Reebok shoes, a pump.

What's next?

They're going to air condition your feet?

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

I never wore cool shoes, but I also never wore L.A. gear.

L.A. gear.

but finally luckily i had a thing with my feet i had flat feet and the podiatrist said yeah he

needs to have decent shoes you can't be buying these shoes for him because it's going to hurt

him a lot until he's done especially while he's still grown up and my mom's like oh dear

you should have paid up paid off the podiatrist say he needs definitely needs rebox with air

he needs a fucking charles barkley nike fucking black tops prescribing him a pair of jords that'd

be a nice side business if you were a uh you know a doctor person just have the kids slip you 20

bucks and you'll recommend air jordan i never had the straight up pumps but i had the shaquille

o'neal's the second shacks that um they had the insta pump it was like a little cartridge that

you could put on the side and went like that and it came it came with like two of the cartridges

and like by within a week i was out because everyone's like oh yeah show me show me i'm

I'm always showing it off and stuff.

And I was out, and I never used it again.

I used the shoes, but I never pumped them up again.

What's the point of the pumps?

Like, was there a reason for that?

Well, because you get more of a uniform support, they're saying, especially for basketball.

It goes around almost like an inner sock kind of thing.

Yeah, now that I think about it, I did own a pair of pumps maybe in the mid-90s that I bought for myself.

And I don't know why.

You know, I'm not into shoes.

I think that they were a good deal or something.

But I remember owning them

But I still had to tie them

So I didn't get it

Oh my football shoes were pumps also

They were insta pumps also

But they didn't come with the recharger

They were just insta pump

And I never ended up using the pump

But I had the dopest fucking football shoes on the team

I remember I was like yeah house

They used to call me house back

I sold them my senior year

When I was done with football I sold them to this one kid

Okay let's stop talking

You sent me numbers and I'm getting to them

Karl R.D. has been set

Yeah, I don't have much hope for these, though, because I've called them all twice now.

Don't worry about it, Bobby. It's all right. It's all good.

I always give you the crappy leftover numbers.

We could call a payless and get some more numbers. It's really easy.

Okay, yeah. I heard you do that on the air, too.

You'd have to... Ooh, how's that going to work?

They're going to go out over the air with my setup.

Ah.

Gassy.

I just turned down the volume completely on Mixler. It was just silence while I got mine.

Oh, I could do that. Good idea, buddy.

Yeah, that's the only way I had to do it.

I know everyone else seems to have a really fancy way of, like, sloth.

He always has the music play while they get numbers.

He kicks it out, like, immediately.

I think he's just doing it real fast.

I don't know.

Hi, you've reached the Corey.

Please leave a message.

I'll try again.

Yeah, so, the new host, only one that's done a show so far.

Wow, that's bullshit.

Only Mark Lama hasn't done his show yet, but he wants to be super ready.

He's just, you know, nervous.

I haven't heard from Gordo since he said, yeah, maybe he doesn't want to do a show.

Gordo's probably just fucking with you.

the person you have dialed can't take your call he's like that yeah he is so i guess we only have

two new shows gordo turned gordo's funny though i i hope he does shows he's i enjoy his stuff

his conferences are great he does i told him because he does them so well like you hear it's

just a private conference between a bunch of people and he's still like introducing the calls

really well and stuff he's pretending he's doing a show yeah he should just record those and make

a podcast out of it totally right yeah just edit out what he's worried about like the numbers and

of stuff so i want to give him a shot so my plan for him he seemed to be on board was he would do

a show where like a lot of new people could call in and get tested out and develop yeah that's a

that's a good idea that's a lot of fun yeah yeah he was open to the idea so if you guys know gordo

get on his ass because we're gonna replace him with cracker oh shit quit fine yeah these are

leftovers huh brad i'm sorry here i do you want more yeah you gotta get at least one of them i

want to be able to you know get them out of your way if they're not answering them oh i just posted

to them to Cobra by accident.

Oops.

Oh, we lost him.

We lost him.

Have you been watching

Orange is the New Black?

Is season three out now?

Yeah, I sent you a message

last night.

It came out early.

It was supposed to come out

this morning.

It came out last night.

Oh, I didn't notice that.

I don't even know

if I'm going to watch it.

Is it worth watching?

So far.

Episodes are good.

I got kind of bored

with season two.

This season isn't in perfect.

Okay, good.

Season two so far, yeah.

I mean, season two,

it wasn't bad.

It just wasn't that

interesting to me.

So I didn't think

I was going to watch

the third one.

the chick from the 70s show is back and all that which one which one is that i've never watched

the 70s uh alex the dark haired oh okay yeah i know yeah oh yeah i know who she is from that

70s show she was the redhead yeah hello hi this is payless yeah uh number 2256 yeah i'm calling

for number 3566 okay uh we're in bloomingdale illinois you're in illinois also yeah yeah we

got a we got a bunch of your shoes here oh yeah so you're gonna have to send some somebody to come

pick it up because i can't have this here okay um hurry up when can they when can they be here

i don't know what is the what is your phone number uh you got that you got that yeah you

got that honey baby all right and i want you to put on some shoes for me you try them on

you show me those gams those legs and what store number did you say this was uh three five six six

Okay, well, I'll let my manager know.

All right, and tell her, just between me and you,

I'm going to send you a picture of my sexual organs or whatever.

I called the store in accident, so I had to get out of that.

And I did.

I blocked the number going out on Mixer, like you said.

That idea?

Well, guess what?

It went out on Shoutcast.

Hello.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Myrda.

Next one is Shelly.

Brad, are you here?

Oh, yeah, I'm still here.

I was talking and muted.

I'm dumb.

It's okay, buddy.

I'm so dumb.

It's okay.

Let me correct this caller ID, stupid, stupid Carlos.

What's your favorite dum-dum flavor, Brad?

I don't know.

Orange or red.

Okay.

Please stick with orange and red for all suckers.

You ever dip lollipops like in Kool-Aid?

No, never.

You dip a red lollipop in, like, red Kool-Aid?

Hello?

Shelly, I need to speak to Shelly.

I'm calling from Payless Shoe Source.

Shelly, I know there's a...

Oh, Rose.

Rosia Rake.

I'm sorry, honey.

I got the wrong...

I was saying the next name.

Yeah, where's Rosia?

She is actually not here right now,

but can I take a message?

Because I know she's been looking forward to a package.

Yeah, it's the shoes.

Yeah, it's those.

Yes.

Yeah.

But she promised me and my manager

she was going to show us her sexual organs.

Oh, nice.

So does she want to do like a picture?

Does she want to come show us here in the back room

when we're sleeping?

Well, I was thinking more of a video.

You know, I love 70-year-old pussy.

Oh, well, I mean, yeah.

That was the deal she made with me and, yeah, my associate, Roy.

Nice, nice.

Is he black?

No, no, he's white.

Oh, okay.

Usually with a name like Roy, they're black.

No, no, no.

He's white, and I'm Hispanic, white.

White-Hispanic.

What?

You speak perfect English.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, yeah.

I came here, and I was like, I need to learn the culture.

Because this is America, and you speak English here.

That's what I told my dad, and he never understood it.

Awesome, man.

Listen, really, can you tell her that her shoes are ready?

She needs to get the fuck over here.

Where at, though?

Roy, you got info for him?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't appreciate being called black, by the way.

No, she knows where the shoe store is.

You said she's looking forward to the package, right?

If this is Payless, then yes, that's what you guys said.

Okay, then what are you asking for?

That's dumb.

Oh, you asked for a sexual picture of my grandmother, so I'm trying to get that to you.

No, she needs to do that when she comes in to pick up the shoes.

Oh, nice.

She knows where we are.

She's not stupid.

She's not demented yet.

Uh, no.

Wait, so which one aren't?

Where are you guys located?

Which pay list?

She'll know.

She only goes to one.

Fountain Square.

Does she?

Fountain Square.

As far as I know.

It's the only one I work at.

Did she get some nice shoes?

Yeah, they're the best shoes.

Nice.

Will they look good in the picture that you want from her?

We wouldn't ask for the picture if we didn't think so.

We don't want the feet, though.

Hey, can we be Facebook friends?

No.

Why?

That's weird.

Listen, we're just prankers.

Do you want to go to our website?

Not really.

Oh, come on.

Come on, dude.

Come on, please.

We have a good website.

We only have three listeners.

We need another one.

Yeah, we're prankers.

We can be in the big time.

Come on.

Look at our new website.

Tell us what you think.

Well, I don't want that because then you get my IP address.

I'm not a fucking retard.

No, no.

You can use a proxy connection.

I don't want to use a fucking proxy connection.

I'm good.

It'll be worth it.

Secure connection.

It's not always.

Please, please.

Not always.

It depends on what it bangs off of.

Come on, please.

You pussy.

Do it on your phone.

I can actually give you my credit card, like, right now.

You want my social security number?

Yeah.

We could get that if we wanted to.

That's my line, but yeah.

Well, I just thought I'd save you at least five minutes.

And actually, you couldn't get my social security card if you tried.

So you're more than happy to try.

Can I get Rosie's again?

I'd give it to you, but I just don't know it.

She's going to die soon anyway, right?

Oh, come on.

Like, you're not collecting her Social Security checks after she dies?

What do you think she lives on with her parents?

You're just going to hide her in a closet or something and keep those checks coming in?

Oh, yeah.

She's going to be voting for the next 40 years, right?

That's why we can't get your Social Security card, because you don't use yours.

He's your grandma's.

Maybe.

No.

Why don't you just try it?

I would just try it.

Okay.

Okay, Mr. Reek.

You got it.

All right.

The two of us on my last day.

I can give you my last name, though, if you'd like.

Have a nice day.

Bye.

Why?

I don't want to go.

You guys are fun.

Hang the fuck up.

Hang up the fucking phone.

I don't want to hang up the phone.

Now what do we do, then?

I don't know.

We're just kind of stuck at this point.

He won't hang up.

Does this mean we can have, like, a friendship?

Sure.

Well, I'm trying to give you our website to go to to sign up and be friends.

Well, what's your website?

Let's check this shit out.

Go to the library.

I'm going to go to the library, though, and check it out.

Okay, that's fine.

You know, fuck it.

Let's do it from my phone.

What's your website?

We're the Glory Hole Foundation Prank Show.

Oh, hell yeah.

GloryHoleFoundation.com.

It's a religious thing.

Yeah.

We started out as a World of Warcraft guild, and now we're just winning other stuff.

Nice.

World of Warcraft.

Shut up, man.

That was like 10 years ago.

GloryHoleFoundation.com.

Awesome.

Some, like, where you stick your dick through a hole and get it sucked?

It's just a joke.

I guess we should change it to something more...

Quit making so many assumptions.

Well, that's what a glory hole is.

I didn't know until...

Not always.

I didn't know until, like, two years after we named it.

So I was like, you know what that means?

I was like, oh my God, no.

I've seen those holes before, you know?

That's serious.

That is...

Yeah, I think it's pretty cool, but, you know...

The Sears bathroom has a real big one.

I was like, why would someone put such a big hole in the wall here where you pee and poop?

Oh, you should check out the fucking Best Buy one.

that shit's ridiculous

you get to like

force through that

fucking thing

oh nice

you can put your ass

up to it

or black dicks

actually

so I'm like

what the fuck

okay

alright buddy

I'm gonna go

see you later

I don't want you to go

bro we're talking

did you go to our site yet

see the video

and everything

me I'm on video

nothing is popping up

gloryholefoundation.com

it says

temporarily unavailable

it's literally

not letting

like I give no fucks

like I'm trying to do it

in gloryholefoundation.com

yeah

yeah nothing

are you doing it wrong then how are you uh no uh glory g-l-o-r-y uh-huh whole i'm pretty sure

h-o-l-e and foundation f-o-u-n-d-a-t-i-o-n asian.com yeah like foundation it works for me

sounds like it worked nice did it work did you get any of my information yet yeah we got your ip

and everything you don't you can't get my ip from a fucking telephone line you have your telephone

phone ip now we're going to give you a telephone virus yeah that's not going to happen okay or

we'll see we'll see yeah we will all right if you think you can stick to those words go ahead

you're in trouble now buddy oh no phone virus phone virus oh my god it's shaking what the

fuck am i supposed to do oh it stopped i can't anymore brad i'm sorry i can't believe you kept

them on that long was that him going to it are you playing it that was me playing it oh i thought

I thought it was him, shit.

I was actually, I just wanted to check it out because he said it was broken.

So I guess he pranked us because he made me go to it.

What's he using, a Nokia or something?

He can't get to it?

Probably.

I can't get to it on my WAP browser.

A WAP browser.

It's Glory Hole Foundation, WAP compatible.

I need a version that's just this fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.

Ah, all right.

Oh, we got one, Brad, you see?

Yay.

Don't give up.

even though it's the wrong person but it's the grandma all right so let's try the next one then

big shelly okay you can start this one out if you'd like don't forget guys i'm in tiny chat

yes you have free shelly home sorry i'm not tinychat.com slash prank call nation i'm the

only one brad has not done his hair and you can see my hair yes you have free shelly home

sorry i'm going bald brad you're going bald or i'm going bald i'm going bald oh okay getting

it from my dad he went bald early not early like in his 40s let's go tell because i'm 35

and that's already same here who cares well my dad has the voicemail box of my dad has the mr

burns thing where the hair is just on the sides you know ah yeah i'm gonna look great like that

i'm gonna be like hulk hogan wearing a bandana permanently i'll make fun of you so much oh i

actually didn't went to tinychat.com slash prank session radio i still have that on my

I'm the only one in there.

I thought you were in here.

It says RBPP in mine.

I was, but I don't know.

I closed down my browser because of Glory Hole Foundation.

All right.

Was that it for the Glory Holes, for the Payless?

Well, if you want more, I have about six more numbers.

I feel bad because none of them are working.

One of them did, and it was good.

Okay.

Well, if you want them, here's four more.

Okay.

Three more.

This is a different store, too, right?

Yeah.

but you know it's the same area code and they're just going to see the area code and

payless so yeah if they call back they're going to be calling back a payless yep 10-4 copy that

we can move on oh gurney illinois i know someone that lives in gurney good friend of mine he's back

in the brill building all right claudia who's arriving this is today today or the other day

today oh that's um that's two days ago or three days ago so she should already have it yeah she

well they've arrived at least okay i don't know if she's picked them up it's yours by the way

Okay.

If they pick up.

I would like to embed the Tiny Chat in our webpage.

Yeah, there's never an easy way to do all that.

You have reached the voicemail box of two, two.

There's no way to do it.

It's fucking whack.

What's up, Llama?

Big Llama.

And it's such a big chunk of screen that it takes out for Tiny Chat.

It's a damn shame.

Nice stickers, Llama.

Yeah, Llama, looking good, man.

I'm going to redial that last number.

Move on.

I stuck a PLA sticker on the drive-thru window at the writing today.

and i can't find my atm one i want to use it i can't find it oh i'll send you some more yeah

yeah yeah totally i love that staring at the atm is strictly you have reached the voice mailbox of

two two here's irene ordered two pairs ordered a few days ago hi turbo good there bubba everyone's

coming to the tiny chat now it's getting later so they're showing up latest i can go is

after that it's wife time no you're jealous please leave your message for eight four

i always want you to spend time with it it gets like come sit on the toilet while i take your

shower let's just talk i don't want to play gta talk about what talk about whatever woman ruined

your life at work today killing this we're gonna try lori last on the list big lori this has been

my last two shows just a bunch of ringing sorry going back to the map don't worry from the double

Oh, so I have some homeschool books or something.

62-inch flat screen for sale or a crazy fit massage machine.

Any of those interest you, Brad?

What was that?

I didn't hear it over there.

Yeah, I've got for sale a massage machine, it says, or a 62-inch flat screen TV or three sets of homeschool books.

Wow.

None, right?

Homeschool sounds fun.

The homeschool one?

All right.

Just trying to give you some options here.

Sure.

So I downloaded the update for GTA, but I haven't even...

There's a lot of really neat gun upgrades.

Hello?

Hi.

Sorry, I was talking about my guns.

I'm calling about the Craigslist ad about the homeschool books.

Oh, yeah.

What age level are they for?

What grade?

Yeah, I've got one that's in the second grade now,

but we've got another set that our other child used,

and they're the very same thing.

And we've got grade K-5 through the second grade.

Okay, you're still homeschooling them?

Oh, yeah, and I've got one in the sixth, seventh grade now.

He's getting ready to finish the seventh.

Have you ever tried letting your kids go to public school?

No, we tried about it in the past, and we just felt that the Lord has led us to homeschool them,

so we never had them in public school.

Oh, okay, yeah, I bet you they hate you for that.

I mean, really, come on, let your kids go have some friends at school.

Let them learn how to use cigarettes and shit.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You need to give your kids some life experience.

They're going to be weirdos when they grow up.

Let them socialize and all that stuff.

Yeah.

They get plenty of that.

They're in karate class.

With church people?

No, we did go to church, but they take a Christian karate class.

Oh, a Christian karate class.

Well, anyway, yeah, I'm really interested in those books.

How much do they cost?

Well, I've got them listed at $150 for each grade.

Okay.

I mean, you can look them up.

I'm going to get one of each, and then I'm going to take them to my atheist church, and we're going to burn them.

We're going to have a book burning.

Oh, gosh, then I'm not selling them to you.

Why not?

It's the same thing.

You still get the money.

No, I don't matter.

I don't make the money that bad.

The Lord will provide me with money.

Well, come on.

You church people, you burn satanic albums and stuff.

Why can't I burn your books?

Because I don't burn satanic albums.

I've never even seen one.

I pray for satanic people.

Yeah, right.

You're so full of shit.

And I pray for the atheists.

We don't pray for you because we think prayer is dumb.

Just like us.

All right, I'll give you $200 per book.

No.

Why not?

So you have a problem with atheists?

You won't sell to an atheist?

If that's what you're going to do, if that's what you're going to do with them, I'll just keep them.

Well, it doesn't matter.

It's not like they can't just go on Amazon and get them, too.

Well, let them go.

I've got another girl that her sister might be interested in them.

I'm going to have my girlfriend call you back later tonight,

and she's going to pretend to be interested, and she'll come and pick them up,

and then she's just going to give them to me, and we'll burn them at our atheist church.

Well, okay, just have her to tell me.

Huh?

And then in the meantime, just have her to tell me, and in the meantime, I'll be praying for you.

Okay, yeah, and we'll fool you.

And then I'll call you up later, and I'll be like, guess what?

what i'd burn them i'll call you while i'm burning them okay i will thank you bye honey baby

bye sweet tits wow she called me honey all right honey even though you're an atheist

stateness whatever the fuck you are she doesn't say she loves you well that's what jesus is

supposed to represent yeah i think so she's a good christian yeah i'm like llama there with

this big dildo what the hell is that it's the dildo he's got that he beats his dog with and

breaks and he breaks his mic with is he just holding it really close to the camera because

i mean it looks like it's bigger than him yeah he's like i've seen pornos where there's an

obviously fake dick that's about that long yeah we see who makes their dog chew a dick

that's so fucking weird i love it though uh that's stuff out of a seinfeld fucking episode man

He's having a good old time.

Look at that dog.

It's an awesome dog chew toy.

Llama's dog likes dick.

I'd sit him outside and he'd be playing in the dirt

with a fucking dildo.

It's awesome.

Let the dog run outside with it and be playing in the yard

and kids will come by and try and pet him.

I'm so doing this when I get a dog.

I'm getting the biggest fucking dick I can find

dildo-wise and that's what I'm going to do.

It's going to be his favorite toy.

I want to get a dog.

People are going to come over like, what the fuck?

But when kids come over, it's like, hide the dick.

Oh, look, Turbo's playing with balloons.

Yay! Turbo's over there doing balloons.

He's like a little kid playing with his balloons.

I don't think that's air, sir.

No, no, it is. It's a balloon. I can see it.

Oh, yeah, he's blowing up balloons. It's a lot of fun.

It's a blue one.

Yeah, he's got a big blue balloon, and he just blows it up and deflates it.

It makes that noise, that f***ing noise.

That's so cute.

Yeah, that's exactly what he's doing.

All right, so I'll take the next one.

I think he's doing Helium.

He's making his voice sound silly.

No, he's doing the other one.

Can you imagine being homeschooled your entire life?

That would suck.

No, yeah, that would be weird, right?

I mean, school sucked and everything, but I would hate to not be in a public school.

Yeah, you had that experience.

I still had fun.

It sucked a lot of times.

My parents almost put me in a Christian academy.

Really?

Yep.

You would have turned out different.

Oh, no, I wouldn't have.

No, you'd be you.

you it would have sucked though i hated everyone at my church all the kids at least were they mean

to you no they weren't mean to me there's boring a lot more interesting things happening in the

public schools i think yeah yeah buddy i was homeschooling never would have played high school

i never played high school football but basically we should all go to christian academies right

or be homeschooled yeah hello you have a crazy fit massage machine oh yes oh yeah what kind

Is it the kind you sit in?

No, you stand on it.

You stand on it?

And what is the massage exactly?

Okay, hold on just a minute.

Let me get my husband.

I'll go get the book on it.

You can talk to him for a minute, and I'll get the book, and we'll tell you that, okay?

Okay, honey.

Oh, she's nice.

Hey, hello.

Hey, how you doing, good sir?

God bless you.

I'm doing pretty good.

How are you?

Amen.

Praise the Lord.

I'm great.

I see you have a massage machine.

I just wanted to get the particulars, because my mother has a lot of problems, you know?

I want to make sure it's going to massage to correct, you know, a hot...

Your wife said that you stand on it?

Yeah, it's one of those you stand on.

It's one of them vibration you can sit on.

It's one of them vibration ones you stand on.

And you stand and it just vibrates your whole body that way?

Yes, back and forth, back and forth.

They had them on the commercials there.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

And it wasn't for you then, I guess?

Well, my wife, she got it for her, and she don't have time to use it.

she stays with some elderly people and she has used it quite a bit off and on and uh i guess

it's probably about two years old okay but it's just still like brand new she said we got it

january 2014 oh it's brand new still shit all right um it's the chain has she told you your

wife has she told you or can can you ask her now uh does it give good orgasms uh i don't think it

has anything to do with that no it won't give you like the woman an orgasm when you're on it

No.

What about the man?

No, I've only been on it a time or two.

It just vibrates your shoulders and stuff.

Oh, did it make your pecker get hard or anything like that?

Because you can sit down on it, right?

Yeah.

You don't think it'll get your pecker a little hard, go back and forth, back and forth like that, you know?

Probably not.

Like a dog in heat?

No.

Can I talk to your wife again?

No, she's not here.

Put her on the phone.

I thought he was going to go get her.

For a second, I thought so, too.

i just wish i could hear the conversation they're having right now you know what he's saying

in the chat room they're saying that's one of those vibrating things with the belt around it

really they still make those i wouldn't think so but maybe they're wrong maybe servo's stupid

those are i think servo's stupid that's the machine they show like where it was like this

is you know it's something that wouldn't even really help your health anyway it was just

made yeah in the 50s i used to see those on tv you know back in the 50s back when you're around

in the 50s

yeah

but no

I've only seen them

in black and white ever

so I just

I've never seen one

in real life

Pee Wee had one

at the Playhouse

remember?

oh of course

you don't remember that

no I remember that

you're a Pee Wee fan right?

I hated him at the time

that it was on TV

but I've learned

to appreciate him

my dad used to say

oh you fucking watch that

he used to get mad

if he caught me watching it

I never knew why

like he wouldn't tell me why

because he thought

he was a queer

he didn't want me

to pick up queer stuff

that was his mentality

about it

but i remember he would get so mad my mom was like leave him alone let him watch it

and he's like no look at him look look glad it's looking like how how old were you when

peewee was on uh third fourth fifth grade oh well that's normal why would he care yeah and i think

sixth grade is when he got caught in the in the theater so where were you like uh look look dad

he was jerking off to straight porn you idiot you're wrong daddy well he was his thing was

it's like there's just something wrong with the guy something wrong with it i don't like it i don't

like it yeah but now you know he does all that crazy fucking weird shit like with alf stat alf's

uh the guy from alf uh the tv show the dad from alf oh he was involved with that guy yeah they

were smoking the drugs and having sex with kids and shit like i remember the alf dad getting in

trouble yeah he was involved with paul rubens i was his kind of boyfriend he was kind of involved

with that together but separate paul rubens is gay well no i'm not saying he's gay he's just he

does kinky you know he's into like weird kitschy stuff and yeah that's my dad thought he was dead

i don't know i don't know paul rubens maybe he's i have no idea he's definitely autistic or on the

spectrum though right he's probably the same thing that michael jackson is just a fucking weirdo

no michael jackson was he was had asperger's or something no one wants to come to that agreement

i think it's society until we come to that agreement we're not really going to be able to

get over this whole problem

with people who deal

with autism and Asperger's

Syndrome and stuff like that.

We're going to bring awareness to the

people. This is Michael Jackson.

Did you ever see Pee Wee on David Letterman?

I just saw that like a month ago.

Pee Wee on David Letterman?

Like old school Pee Wee on David Letterman?

Yeah, 80s, 1980s

or something like that.

He was in this Pee Wee outfit

and it was really funny. It was just bizarre.

It was the weirdest David Letterman thing I've ever seen.

other than the show like i remember when he came out on mtv after the whole thing happened and he

said hey read any good books lately remember that yeah yeah that was kind of cool yeah because that

was like leaving all this it was jerky that's what you're supposed to do at that place no i came here

just to watch the big fucking ted clip pussy in front of me not do anything about it that's right

officer yeah that's what i don't get like isn't that what you do at those places yeah and at that

At that point, VHS was prevalent.

He had money.

Why didn't he just get a VCR, baby?

Because I guess you get excited.

He was visiting his parents at the time.

I know that.

Calling Pacific Science Center.

Visit our webpage at www.pacificsciencecenter.org.

To speak to a receptionist from 8.30 a.m. to 6.00 p.m., press 0 at any time.

For information on hours, admission...

Pacific Science Center?

Yeah, do you have anything there that shows the penis?

No.

Nothing at all related to the penis machine?

No.

Like if I bring myself or my children in, we won't see scientific diagrams of the penis or the vagina?

There's a Leonardo da Vinci photo that's on the wall over in Building 3, I believe.

Oh my God.

That's all that I know of.

He has his penis out in that one.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Wow, that's a shame.

That's a shame.

How much is admission?

admission the admission for the science center is 1975 for an adult pardon me and but if i don't

want to see the penis i get a discount because i'm not going to see the penis no you don't how

much is the penis charge you don't have a charge for that for the penis sir this is getting a little

ridiculous well i'm just concerned are there any any other sexual organs there are their breast

anywhere um i'm gonna have you talk to somebody else okay because if i get sexually aroused you

You know?

Whatever.

I had to say that.

About to get the transfer.

Oh, damn.

Should have had her take down the Leonardo thing.

Thank you for calling.

Put it in a closet while you're there.

It's her webpage at www.simpsonscenter.org.

To speak to a receptionist from 8.30 a.m. to 6.00 p.m., press 0.

The Simpsons, they made her wear pants in Springfield.

Sign Center?

Yeah, were you going to transfer me?

I tried.

Hold on.

No, you didn't.

What a liar.

Thank you for calling guest services at Pacific Science Center.

Please hold while I try that extension.

I love these daytime things because of shit like this.

Come on.

Thank you for calling.

Please enter the extension number now.

Oh, forget it.

Done with the peni.

Neon messaged me and said it was Jeffrey Jones that Pee Wee was involved with.

No, it was Alstead.

Well, I do remember Jeffrey Jones getting in trouble around the same time that Pee Wee did.

The last time.

Maybe it was him.

The second time, I mean.

I could swear that the dad from ALF and Pee were involved somehow in something dirty.

Yeah, I've heard the dad from ALF has been into some weird stuff, and that he was, like,

doing prostitutes or something, or...

He was smoking meth.

Being a prostitute, or...

Yeah, he was smoking meth on video and hooking up with trannies on video.

Was he?

I didn't hear about that part.

Was it meth?

Let me see.

ALF.

I gotta find out.

ALF.

Actor.

How did he even become a mainstream actor?

That Alf guy?

He was just a guy.

He was just a bald guy with glasses.

He was the weirdest looking guy.

They could have done better, it seemed like.

Willie Tanner.

For a TV dad.

His name is Max Wright.

That's a cool name.

He looked really old, too.

He looked like a grandpa more than a dad.

I remember him on that show, not Artie Lang, that What's His Face?

The guy that did Bob Dole on Saturday Night Live.

norm mcdonald norm had a show a sitcom on abc for like a season and he was on it that was a lot

yeah before the heat fell off i watched norm's current show he does a weird web show kind of

like tom green does oh okay just has a bunch of uh like washed up celebrities on it it's pretty

entertaining i'm looking at his wikipedia doesn't all it talks about is that he was arrested once

for drunk driving in 2000 but and he had another dui in 03 it's not talking about he had some he

He had some things happen.

Something to do with prostitution.

Ah, here it is.

He had gay sex.

It was smoking crack on video and having sex with a gay prostitute and some other big fat black guy.

Wow.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, it's straight up him.

Oh, he's straight up making out with him and shit.

He was the father also on Down to Earth.

Oh, okay.

Do you remember that show by chance?

No, I don't.

Down to Earth.

All right.

Never mind.

He was the father for one season and then they got replaced.

I sent you a link with the pictures of him in the crack house.

He's making out with a stereotypical early 90s, late 80s gay dude.

Who's taking the pictures?

I don't know.

I thought it was from a video they were taking stills.

Having gay sex with homeless dudes, it says.

Happened in 2001.

Gross, homeless people.

Oh, man, hobos, right?

Yeah.

Look at cooties up.

Disgusting.

I could have shared that on video, but no.

All right, let's continue.

you you know what i gotta get some water i gotta play music can you hang on brad i'm gonna grab

some okay i'm gonna get water i got cotton yeah i am

back.

Yay.

Woo-hoo.

Where were we?

Print calling, right?

Yeah.

Talking about gay people smoking crack.

Ah, Max Wright.

And before that, we were talking about shoes, so the whole bunch.

Yeah.

Great show today.

Great day.

Great day today.

Yeah, man.

for some reason i was just thinking about atari 2600 while i was peeing i don't know why i just

did that's weird tell me i think that's the sign of having a stroke or something he's hurt i'm

starting man i love this place crystal castles uh all right someone is oh i've called this guy

before he never picks up at night maybe he'll pick up during the day he looks for comic books

i changed my color already to something local what do you mean he looks he's looking to buy

comic books yeah he says if you have any old he advertises every week and the same thing that i

I use asking if anyone

has any certain era

comic oh you should

tell me how like the

original spider-man or

something like four

copies of our web page

at www.pacificsciencecenter.org

just act really dumb

be like is that uh is

that worth anything

spider-man number one

isn't there only like

two three copies I

forget I some asinine

amount of limited

amount of copies I

don't know I'll say

like number 20 or

something I'll tell

them I stole yeah hi

you looking for comic

books yes sir I buy

Buy, sell, and trade them.

Depends on what you got.

God, that sounds good.

You have a shop?

No, sir.

I'm 53 years old, and I've collected red since the early 70s.

I work full-time, do factory work, and I do a few conventions when my work schedule will allow me to.

How much do you weigh?

How much do I weigh?

About 215.

Why?

A little more than that, I think, right?

I don't know.

What do you mean?

Well, because you're saying 215, it sounds more like maybe 250, maybe more.

How tall are you?

How big a boy are you?

Well, because I'm a big boy, you know, and I'm a shut-in.

So, you know, if I'm going to see you, I get nervous, you know.

Oh, no, no.

You're going to make fun of me because I'm fat?

I don't reckon.

People make fun of me a lot because I'm fat.

I'm about 215 and six foot tall, so.

Oh, you look pretty nice then.

You're not too bad.

You got big bones then, right?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Well, you sound big.

big 215 nice big muscles so what do you have for sale i got some old i got like flash like 10

through 30 here i've got x-mans x-mans i got power meat that's power meat power meat yeah

spring fingers not familiar with that is that underground yeah they're really rare spring

fingers power meat ejaculation box never heard of it yeah there's a seaman sounds like he might

be just pulled my leg no seaman his name is seaman you there yeah i'm here yeah it says that he like

his background it says here like i'm looking at the first one it says that he was a navy

sailor and he was in a big submarine and he escaped and he's seaman so what's your name

cross where'd you uh where you call me from i'm a bull's gap bull's gap yeah hey listen boy boy

Boy, what conventions do you like to go to?

Whichever ones you want to.

You go to the local ones or you go to any ones far out of state?

Not too far out of state.

I go to some local ones, some few out of state.

Because the Tennessee ones are shit, man.

You go to Miami or Florida or Atlanta.

I went to Atlanta once, to a convention.

And there was so much fucking titty.

There was really good titty over there.

And I met a man.

Me and him hook up now.

We make comics, comic books.

We spread the comic books on the floor

And we get naked and we roll around

With powder all over us

Sounds like you have real time

Brad you got that powder

Watch he's here

I got like 5 gallons of powder

5 gallons of powder

You guys are the man

You should read the seaman

And we got some

We got some bullshit comics from Mike Tucker

They suck

Stupid marijuana things

happy, what's it called?

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

Go to Colorado and get all you want, guys.

All right, motherfucker, you.

Yeah, shove your comic books up your ass.

Don't sound like you're that mad.

Here you are getting all tore up now.

Because you don't even want to look at my comic books.

I told you I got Seaman, Ejaculation Box.

Yeah, you just got all the good stuff, sound like to me.

Pubic Lights Man.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to go.

So, hey, Bubba, you have a good weekend, all right?

That's what we're doing.

Hey, before we go, can you tell us what you really weigh?

It's not 215.

Dude, you can tell.

You must have some big cheeks, then.

You can hear his jowls flopping, flopping around when he talks.

But the last time I made that assumption, the lady had half a thing, remember?

Oh, yeah, that was horrible.

Prank calls gone wrong.

Look, I considered taking that out, but it was so fucking funny.

Yeah, it's just bizarre.

Yeah.

I couldn't leave it on the cutting room floor, man.

That one right there, I could not.

Oh, boy.

I would have had a hard time leaving that in, too.

Have you had pranks you've taken out of whatever?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That were good, but you couldn't, you think?

I can't think of any examples, really.

Yeah, but you've had them.

I'm sure.

I've taken plenty out, though.

Mostly just because it's not funny.

No, but I mean, like, something was good, but because of the way it went, you're afraid to.

Yeah, there's plenty like that.

they weren't amazing or anything that i can remember but uh yeah they just it turned out

to be sad or whatever but dude you don't understand you got a hold of that one girl's

uh dad's voicemail remember lindsey lohan yeah at the time that he was he was she was in the news

really big she was starting the crash and going through all that stuff and you had messages with

with him saying, I think we can get a plea

arrangement. We've got to do it now.

Yeah.

It sucks that I didn't really

I was really drunk that night.

I wasn't following what was happening on the

machine. I was talking over

all her crying and everything else.

Yeah, but you could have sold that to like

TMZ or something, to be honest.

I told you, like, you know, you could probably sell.

But I forget, we were both like, yeah, I probably really

shouldn't, but that'd be really awesome.

You probably could have made some money, though, for the audio.

Yeah.

There had just been a thing in the news recently

before we did that about

whatever the people in the UK were

that were going through voicemails.

That's right.

Rupert Murdoch's company out there.

News Corp.

Yeah, that's right.

That's probably the worst time that could have happened.

I had to send that in now.

Matt Hillock has it on his YouTube.

We had to send that to TMZ.

What is it?

Not for money.

Us breaking into Lindsay Lohan's voicemail.

Yeah, they might still be like, oh, cool.

remember one he's still kind of crazy yeah maybe matt'll get a bunch of subscribers out of it i

wish matt was here i told him to join i love him on these stupid yeah he's not even he's yellow i

don't know what he's doing like he's doing anything he's never on gta anymore either yeah i guess he

gets tired he was really into it for a while i'm kind of tired of it too i don't get in there as

much as i used to um i still love it i don't know why especially lately with all the hacking the

hacking's a lot of fun it looks fun i'm starting to get tired of that too uh i'm just looking at

at the map looking for places to call thinking about ending the show i can give you those last

two numbers or actually i sent you those last two numbers shoe store numbers if you want them

yeah they're probably yeah they're not gonna pick up though you don't think the rest of my

leftovers oh mistress morgan sent me a giant list of people who are into curling yes she had a group

their group yeah i didn't get to those numbers once she said i was gonna call him last night

but then i just didn't know what i was gonna do like what do you say to people that do curling

like i don't know anything about curling so i don't know what i could tell all right i see

these numbers there were two left here these are the last two you're saying i'll do this oh yeah

yeah those last two i'll do this real quick no problem and then we'll get out of here but i do

have curly numbers if you want oh i'll think about it it's curling club i need to yeah i just i have

no idea what to say to them though we could just say we're with the curling club and they've been

kicked out are they like a really stuck up culture i mean if that's the case it might be

fun what what is curling is that just lifting up the barbells or no it's the it's on ice and they

have this bowl they kind of bowl this big rock rock on the ice it's kind of like shuffleboard

it goes real slow and then someone in front of it has a broom and they go back and forth

are you you're messing with me aren't you look guys that's where it got look it up

wait really this is curling i'm looking at google images we were talking about it on on my last show

because milkman was trying to explain it you know him he's like i thought it was weightlifting

curling is the weirdest sport in the olympics to me i don't really understand it i've never

watched the olympics before so i've heard that sports were fun to watch if you get into it but

fuck all it's a lot different than what i expected it to be chat room says just call and make fun of

their sport i like that idea let's do it fuck it now i want to do it you got me you got me okay

here hello hello hello hector hector hello heck cool all right um yeah hook me up with those we'll

do all right i'm gonna give you page one you got me for 30 i want to say you at the community you

guys have me for 30 minutes and then i absolutely have to end 34 minutes 34 all right fine no i want

a few minutes any carlos time okay all right it's fine then i give you permission 30 minutes i want

gonna brew some tea crack my knuckles stuff like that before she gets here crack my knuckles um

okay here's andrew nice euphemism yeah you start out you start curling come on brad let's do it

put you in a spot when you're on my show that's why you don't like doing it that's not true i

don't mind i really have no idea what to say to curling people i'm just gonna say i'm from the

club i guess hello hi andrew yes hey it's dave from the curling club hi hi how are you doing

doing today good that's good to hear i'm fine too thanks for asking uh anyway yeah we've been

getting a lot of complaints from other members about you and the curling club okay and um you

know can you just stop it sure there's just lots of bullshit coming from you and we're tired of it

i haven't noticed it myself but i'm sure all these people are lying they just keep complaining about

you it's always your name coming up knock your shit off no more bullshit that's so my bad what

What?

That's totally my bad.

Yeah, I know.

Can you tell your kid to shut the fuck up?

We're trying to have an adult conversation here.

You slapped that little bastard in the mouth.

He didn't get mad.

What was that?

Was he crying?

I don't know.

He was like...

I've got to set the ID.

Okay, man.

Star in the chat room says you should say that they need to stop grunting so much when they play.

Yes, there we go.

That's mine.

I've got Gary here.

We'll do that.

Did you watch or have you gotten into House of Cards?

no never no good show yeah i probably like that i don't know i'm gonna give it a try someday

based on your recommendations i've watched two episodes of daredevil the first one i

the second one started getting into it so uh but then orange is a new black came out now i gotta

watch that because i have an invested intuition for that i like how um netflix recommends things

that i watch no you you said you said you liked it you watched the whole season okay yeah yeah

Yeah, it was a great show.

Hello.

Hi, I need to speak with Gar.

Pardon me?

Gar.

He's out right now.

Oh, is this his daughter?

Can you call back later?

Is this his daughter?

Yeah.

Oh, you're the one with the problem, right?

Excuse me?

You're the one with the problem that he was telling me about?

What problem?

Oh, we don't have to talk about it, but I'm praying for you.

Thank you.

He said that you were real tough to deal with.

You were frustrating and aggravating him a lot, he said.

Excuse me?

Well, we have private conversations.

It's almost like I know you.

It's good to finally hear your voice, you know.

Put a voice to the name.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, me and your dad, we talk about our families,

and he was saying how you were a pain in the ass sometimes,

and he gets real frustrated.

He has to smoke marijuana.

You can call back later if you want to talk to him.

Hey, fuck you.

She's going to be pissed at her dad now.

I ruined dinner.

Probably running away from home.

That's what I should have said.

It's like he hates your boyfriend.

friend fuck every dad hates their girlfriend's voice their daughter's voice let's call her back

like 10 times and just keep harassing her all right well you'll call gina next and then i'll

call gary daughter oh my god hi you've reached the voicemail even the bitches carry guns

so this is a female curler who knew they even they well i'm not saying that they can't brad

i'm just saying it's not common all right you ready for james head which could also be james

she'd yeah carlito i'm cool with that you're on mute if you're talking i'm dumb oh my god

what's replacing giants going on tonight right the giant can't oh i don't know what's he doing

tonight did he say something no one is available to take he had what was he he had he shared his

ad with me earlier this week he was gonna be going on forgot what it was it wasn't for bouncers

bounty hunters he was done oh okay that's wasn't that last week though he's uh last week was

bouncers this week was bounty hunters oh okay yeah same thing yeah he's going down his list he's at

b um i don't see notification that he is not on tonight i haven't talked to him but he's last

time he was on today so we'll see yeah he'll probably be here tonight he was asking me about

tomorrow he wants to do some more uh in-person pranks tomorrow with me so that's gonna be fun

you should see the stuff we have on film it's so great is it on is it out yet yet or is it still

No, no, we're going to wait a while before we release anything.

But there's like this, I don't know, like the last time we did it,

this lady, she tried to pick up a big display of candy bars

and they fell all over the floor and that's all on film.

I'll do them too.

I'll go on all film shit in any store around here.

Okay.

Whenever you guys are ready.

I've done them before without filming, but I've done audio ones with you

and with Baz, where Baz was asking about glory holes

and I was at the diner recording the reaction.

The lady's like, I don't even know, what's a glory hole?

I drove around my town once

and I was having Mr. Spezza

and his people from the conference

they were trying to make things happen

but nothing worked out that night

I'd love to be in a store when that kind of stuff happened

Alright, here is

Healy, Ken Healy

and I think this is still your turn

Yay!

You notice how the phone numbers are written down in this list?

Yeah

Like area code and prefix are all one big number

Yeah, yeah

It's kind of an odd way to do it

I bet it's Morgan's fault.

She might have done a quick search replace.

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Healy?

Yes?

Hey, I'm calling from the curling club that your husband's in.

Yes?

And we just needed to let you know that, well, I mean, he's not there, is he?

Yes, but I'm just not sure at the moment where.

Oh.

Well, anyway, yeah, we're kicking him out of the club

because he's been making sexual advances on all the women here.

Yeah.

And I'm sorry, but could you let him know?

We just can't have that here.

We want this to be a safe environment for everyone.

A lot of females join in the curling club lately, and we can't have him hidden on a mall all the time like that.

Could you tell me who I'm speaking with?

Yeah, my name's Kevin.

I'm with the Napani Curling Club.

With which one?

The Curling Club.

Is he in more than one?

Well, no, but he does curl at different ones.

Okay, this is the one where he's actually in the club.

And he's just been sexually...

He's just coming on to all the women there.

It's really embarrassing.

And who am I speaking with?

My name's Kevin.

What's your last name?

Why do you need to know that?

Well, because.

You don't tell people things like that and not give who you are.

It's weird, though.

I don't know why you need my last name.

Okay, it's Blake.

Last name is Blake.

Kevin Blake.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So why are you telling me that and not him?

Why are you telling me that and not him?

Well, because you picked up, and I don't really even like the guy.

It's just weird that he does that all the time.

And which curling club is that that you're talking about?

It's like when he's doing the curling, you know, on the ice and stuff,

he always pretends to fall and accidentally gropes the women.

Yeah, but he doesn't curl in mixed curling.

What?

No, he doesn't curl in mixed curling at all.

Oh, yeah, I understand what you're saying completely.

Completely. But no, he just, he keeps, he keeps groping the female members and hitting on them and like, they're not here. This isn't a dating club. Okay. It's not a dating club. He's, he's trying to treat this like a dating club.

What curling club are you calling from?

Napani?

Sorry?

Napani. Napani. Napani Napani. Is that him in the background? I don't even want to talk to him.

Well, why are you calling me now? Like the curling has been over since March or April.

I know. I'm saying we don't want him back when it starts up again.

No, what position do you have at the curling club to be able to call and make this call?

Well, I work with Linda, and, you know, we're just, I'm in charge of the list and sending out mailings and stuff like that.

He's only in the men's curling, so I don't know what you're talking about.

No, we have plenty of women here. He's lying to you, okay?

But he's just trying to deny it, because he knows he's caught in front of his wife.

He's pretending like he doesn't know what we're talking about.

No, we don't, we really don't know who and what you're talking about.

Okay, are you really going to believe him?

I mean, come on, he's caught.

We caught him.

Caught him red-handed flirting with all the women in the club.

Oh, well, that's always a...

Ken, Ken, it's not a dating club, all right?

They have other clubs for that if that's what you're looking for.

So what's brought this call on?

Have you had complaints or something?

Yeah, many complaints from both female and male curlers, curling people.

And so you're...

Yeah, there's a...

Huh?

Yeah, I don't...

Yeah, yeah, I'm a joker.

Okay, whatever, Ken.

He doesn't know who you are.

Okay, listen, ma'am, maybe you should just put out more often,

and he won't be so hard up.

He needs to get it at home,

and then he won't be going out to the curling club

and seeking it from other people.

What position do you hold to be able to make this call?

You already asked me that, and I already told you.

But maybe you need to put out more, is what I'm saying.

You're a right-off call.

You're the one that's...

Get wild with them tonight in bed.

There she goes.

We might be able to get him to pick up if I call again.

You want to talk to him?

Yeah, I'll talk to him this time.

He's probably thinking, you know, he's got a point.

Do you have a local number coming up?

Yeah, local area code number.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, is that Ken?

Yes.

Ken, hi.

My associate was just calling.

I guess he spoke with your wife regarding the complaints that we had about you.

That sounds like...

No, no.

We'll scam about what?

You're a member of the club here,

and there's complaints that you make a lot of grunting noises

is and you've been groping the women look at them at the women when they're down here on the ice

also and what is your name my name is cross okay yeah why is it that i've curled at that club for

over a quarter of a century and i've never heard of you two guys we're we're contractors we're new

hires and why is it that there's complaints about me in women's when i'm never there when there's

women there i'm in men's well there are women there and you have been groping them like you

I would doubt that very much.

You have an erection and you go back and forth, back and forth, they said.

What?

This is preposterous.

They say you have a visible erection and you'll move your hips back and forth, back and forth like that.

This is some joke.

No, no, sir.

Please dismiss yourself.

I'm calling the OPP.

This is harassment.

OPP?

Yeah, you know me.

Yeah, shit, I didn't get a chance to say it.

You down with OPP?

Oh, man.

What the fuck's an OPP?

I think you meant OPD.

is this ottawa is this ottawa i think it's ottawa right maybe because the way he said

about maybe it's he meant ottawa pd and he said opp opp oh yeah it could be it's on it's definitely

ontario god damn when's the last time you had someone say preposterous to you in a prank call

yeah right like serious shit oh man funny how much time do i have left what time it is

I have 19 minutes left

Trying to find OPP

Why can't I find it

Does it have dots in it

Dot P dot P

Yeah that's why

Stupid fucking

Winamp search

Should know not to do that

Alright

That's what I'm looking for

This should be a background loop

It'd be a good one for you

I don't like loops

I like just music

Yeah

Yeah man

You can mix this in

Michael Jackson

Jackson 5

That's their song originally

Okay

Back to the list

You wanna call that daughter back

Sure

I talked to her

It's your turn if you'd like

I did send you

Another number to change

your caller id too if you want because i think it's related no that probably doesn't matter at

this point i don't know i'll do it yeah there there's a lady named linda that i think she

manages the list she's on the very top of it okay yeah when you mentioned linda the lady didn't seem

to argue about that like she kind of you know i mean yeah linda blake is her name okay also on

the top of the list there's a weird thing written in parentheses i didn't copy this to you but it

it says non-response equals consent what could that possibly mean i don't know maybe if they

didn't respond they consented to be on the list maybe they didn't opt out sounds like a formula

for rape well sounds like something like that should be opt in what they're doing here um

here's june take take june take her but i took kin all right that took second call he said there's

no females what are all these females there's a lot of them there's there's belinda down the list

Hello.

Lana.

Hi, June.

Hi, it's Gary from the Curling Club.

How are you doing?

Good.

Well, I was calling because you didn't show up at the meeting last night.

You're supposed to be here at the meeting.

It's a very important meeting.

The

curling club you know where we

Oh, there was one?

Yeah, we had like a meeting, a mid-season meeting, and we made a lot of important decisions and everything.

And you got voted into some things because you weren't here to opt out.

So you are now the official Curling Club custodian.

Pardon?

You are now the official Curling Club custodian.

Oh, that makes me so happy.

Yep. It's good. I mean, it's good to be included, right?

Eh?

It's good to be included.

You included.

I know. We voted you in. You're the new custodian.

You're going to have to be here an hour before and an hour after to clean up after everyone?

Well, you better just tell them that I changed my mind. I don't want it.

Well, no, you lost your chance to change your mind because you didn't show up here.

You could have voted against it, but you weren't here to vote.

Well, anyway, I'm not going to do it, so what's your trouble?

Well, no, you have to or you're out of the club. We'll kick you out.

Oh, well, I'll get me out of the club then, I guess.

But you're the new janitor.

We've got it on paper and everything.

Yeah, well, you just take it off the paper.

You need to at least show up next Wednesday until we find someone else.

Yeah, that's right.

They better find somebody else.

Okay, but you need to show up Wednesday.

Pardon?

You have to be here Wednesday night for the curling,

because we need a custodian that night, and you're the custodian.

Yeah, well, I won't be there.

I've got other plans.

All right, well, just so you know, there's a $250 fee for leaving, for not being the custodian, without warning.

Oh, is there?

You have to give a one-month notice.

You know, they can't get money out of a stone, you know.

What?

What are you talking about?

Like, you said we can't get money out of a stone?

No, because I haven't got no money to spend on to pay a fee.

Well, we'll have to sue you then.

We're going to sue you for not being the custodian and giving proper notice.

Yeah, well, no, I won't be there Wednesday night, and I don't want the job, Gary.

Well, you have the job. It's your job.

You've been voted in unanimously.

No, it's not my job.

It's a unanimous vote. You're now the custodian.

Am I? Well, you better tell them I can't do it, and I won't be at any meetings.

All right. Well, prepare to be served with a lawsuit.

Pardon?

Prepare to be served with a lawsuit.

suit okay okay that's all right okay as long as we have your permission for the lawsuit to go

through i got somebody at the door gary who is it i gotta go wait go to the door and put them on

the phone put them on the phone with me whoever's at the door put them on the phone why because i'm

from the corporate office it's all right pardon yeah okay go answer the door bye bye bye bitch

okay she uh she was interesting that was big june she does curling really

Is it an old people's thing?

I'm going to look at pictures and see how old they are.

They all look kind of young.

I guess you could be like, it's like bowling, you know,

where you get these old ladies out there doing it,

where they do it real slow.

Yeah.

They're like throwing the bowling ball between their legs.

I remember going to the bowling alley,

and there'd always be this group of old women,

and they'd just do it so slow.

It's like, God, that's annoying.

Super slow, like the ball goes so slow, slow the whole way.

It's like playing, like, a softball version of bowling.

It's like playing with little kids or something.

It's like, hurry up, motherfucker.

They should give them those tracks.

You know, you set it on top and it rolls down the track thing.

Oh.

Have you seen this?

No.

Yeah, so you don't have to throw it.

Well, it's for little kids.

You know, it stands, like, two feet off the ground and they put their bowling ball up on it and roll it down.

Oh, but that's cheating.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's good for, like, three-year-olds and old people.

But if you've got bumpers, you don't need that.

That's true.

Yeah, all you need is bumpers.

Bumper balls, man.

Bumper bowling is great.

Here's Brian.

I will do this one.

Okay.

This is my turn.

And we're almost done.

We're almost done.

And then I have nine more pages.

Yay.

All right, we'll do them.

We'll do them.

Oh, wrong number.

Just lock your door so your wife can't get in.

Yeah.

No.

Oh, that was the right number.

Stupid.

Stupid me.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

I'm looking for Brian.

This is Gary.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Gary with the Curling Club.

The Corona Club?

Yeah.

You're kidding.

No.

Which Corona Club?

The Napani Corona Club?

We don't do business over the phone.

Thank you.

Bye.

What do you mean you don't do business over the phone?

That was weird.

I think he had a falling out.

What the fuck?

He's like, how dare you, Corona?

Very suspicious.

What is this a front for?

Takes that shit real seriously.

All right, I'll do the next one.

Okay.

Don Hogan.

I'm looking at the rest of this list.

It's like every other name is a female.

So what's that guy talking about?

There's no females.

The wife is like, he doesn't play next girl.

I'm going to call her back and be like, here's a list of all the females on the team.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

What do you mean you don't conduct business?

What is this?

Who is this?

I'm with Linda.

This is Gary.

I'm a member of the curling club, and we're trying to handle some business.

We're scheduling the next season.

Gary and Linda?

What?

I'm looking at the phone number, and you're not in this area, are you?

Sam?

I have no idea who you are, but...

You're in the curling club, sir.

Are you senile?

Just about.

Okay.

Well, there have been some complaints about you.

There have.

Yeah.

You're curling.

You're playing very slow, and you do a lot of grunting when you're out there on the ice.

And there's a video.

They took video of you, and you're like,

like that.

You're like,

and you had already let go of it, and you were still groaning.

Like you let go of it.

Huh?

Gary and Linda who?

Cross.

Gary Linda Cross.

Gary Linda Cross?

Yeah, so we're...

I have no idea who you are.

Yeah, but we run the Curling Club, and we don't want you coming back out anymore.

That's fine.

Because you're a disgusting sexual pervert out here.

Bye.

Whatever.

Was that Don or again?

No, no, I called Brian again, actually.

Oh, Brian, okay, all right.

Dude, Don Hogan, Don Hogan, yay.

No, no, this one's yours, because that won't work out.

It did, I called him back.

You get the last call.

You don't want Bill Hogg?

That's the best name ever.

Bill Hogg.

Well, on your end of the list, put down that I got up to Bill Hogg here.

Or Don Hogan, my bad.

All right.

Okay.

No answer.

Hi, you've reached the Hogan residence.

That's it.

It's over.

I'm out of here.

No, wait, wait, wait.

She said Hogan residence.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Did you get the right one?

You're trying to call Hogg.

No, no.

Hogg is next.

All right, I'll do Hogg now.

Okay.

That was Hogan.

Oh, we could call the daughter back, too.

I forgot about her.

It was busy when I tried to call back.

I'll try one last time after the holiday.

Tell him your name is Bo Duke.

I got a better name.

Luke Duke.

Hello.

Hey, is that Balls Hog?

It is.

I'm calling from the curling club.

I've been to the curling club.

Yeah, I'm from the curling club.

I'm calling.

Good.

Yeah.

We got some complaints about you and your curling.

You got what?

We got complaints about you and your curling.

Yeah, I have complaints about me and my curling, too.

Well, you're making sexual advances while you're curling.

darling you had your you you said oops my penis came out like that after you let go of the the

bowl is that what it's called yeah you're like oh oops my penis came out my penis came out and

then you were like is it back in yet you were kept fumbling with it fumbling you know i'm talking

about yeah no no oh man come on yeah i don't know i don't know what to tell you i started out with a

voice and i couldn't keep it going my name is cross no my name is sheriff roscoe oh wait i

I can't say sheriff.

My name is Roscoe.

G-g-g.

You know?

You ever get that?

Everyone ever talk about your name?

Hog?

Boss Hog?

You never get that?

A few hundred thousand times or so.

Anyone ever make any jokes about you porking?

No.

No?

Well, you know what I mean, because your name is Hog, so you've been porking a lot.

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean, yeah.

Yeah.

Nobody's crude enough to make that kind of joke, though.

Oh, I guess I'm the only one?

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

Zing.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry.

Don't feel bad.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

Do you think, like, we're jerks, people like us that do that stuff?

Who the hell is this?

My name is Eddie.

Doesn't tell me much.

Okay.

Well, I've already given you, like, four names.

Brad, say something to him before I cut him off.

He's starting to piss me off.

Hey there, honey baby.

What you doing today?

What the hell is this?

We're from the curling club.

I am now.

We're calling to tell you that your membership has been revoked.

Revoked.

come on he's there he's there what do you think of that mr hogg i'm just gonna let him go bye

mr hogg all right there he goes all right you're only one of a hundred thousand that have made fun

of his name carlito i feel like shit all right brad thank you for being on you're welcome see

you later on the weekend thanks for having me don't forget to call the teenage girl after i

hang up yes okay brad is hung up i will call the teenage girl now the daughter calling her back

and then that's it reminded me still busy just like i suspected all right well thank you for

tuning in for this uh friday afternoon show i'm carlito this has been a version of madhouse radio

thank you for all the people who participated and i will be back on sunday at 8 p.m eastern

once again yes you heard right start time earlier than normal 8 p.m eastern 5 p.m pacific that

probably is a permanent change for now all right spread the word jayad is on tonight at 10 p.m

Eastern. Oh, in about

four hours. Goodbye.

Does It Get Your Pecker Hard? 6/12/2015

Calls (34, 1 h 40 min of 2 h 43 min)

Transcript

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