Over Heat

You know, it's a fellow walking across the desert.

He was walking across this desert, and all at once he seen a car coming.

When he saw the car coming, he said, I'm going to hitchhike me a ride.

He got in the car.

The guy drove him for about four miles, stuck him up, took all his clothes, took his money,

then take him and put him out of the car, stood him up in the desert,

taking his wrist and tied it to his ankle, naked, and left him stooping in the desert.

He said, I ain't does a shame

And he stayed there for about two hours

And all of a sudden, a guy came by in a truck

He said, hey, buddy, what you doing standing out there

Stooped over like that with no clothes on

Don't you know what's a beast of a thing, you?

He said, man, don't say nothing

I said, you know what?

He said, I, it's Hacker Rider

The guy took all of my clothes

And stood me up out here like this

I'm naked, he got me bent all over like this

God said, he did that to you?

And the guy started opening his pants, said, boy, this just ain't your day.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Event the Evening.

As in attendance, and fans watching around the world, live.

It's Meet Carlito, your hero, over there taking a piss as Milkman, Milkman, yay.

Oh, what a big old bong pull-up.

Whoa, fourth one.

Ghost train with some great af goo hash, man.

This is all yours, baby.

Fire it up.

Ghost train.

Fire it up, baby.

Fire it up.

Kick it off.

So what, you're mixing them up, sir?

Yes, sir.

You grind the top shelf flour down to a real fine powder,

and then you take the powdered hash and put it in the middle.

Then you put another layer of the fine ground flour on top of it.

You light the corner and let it burn across.

Like a sandwich.

Wow.

Yes, sir.

And what are you lighting?

Do you light it with?

It's all up to you, baby.

Do you light it with a butane, propane?

What do you light it with?

What kind of lighter?

Oh, just whatever, dude.

Just flour.

Just start the corner, and it'll burn across.

That way you always get a fresh, tasty hit.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Drugs, everybody.

Drug talk.

No, it's your hit.

What do you mean, drugs, dude?

Do you not do drugs?

Oh, no, no.

I can't do that.

Just herb.

Not unless you're going to put a gun to my head.

Hey, everybody.

Say no to drugs, man.

Say yes to herb.

Milkman, attention.

attention we're also on print on uh yeah we're on prank call nation we're dollar this is prank

call nation we're on tiny chat video i'm on video i should say tinychat.com slash prank call nation

and you can watch me you can be a pervert watch me man i'm out of ice and i'm out of tea i'm out

of tea i'm gonna have to do some math any any bitty wee tiny chat small chat i thought i had

I thought I had a box of tea still.

I guess I don't.

Damn it, man.

I'm in 98.6 to mouth chat, so.

Yes, you are in the IRC.

You can get there by going to Prank Call Nation.

There's links for the chat room, instructions if you're confused.

So if you want to register your nickname.

So if you actually are in the chat, one of the few times I'm here.

Yeah, yeah, cool, man.

But anyway, if you want to register a nickname, there's instructions there.

There's staff there that can help you out.

The mods.

Is that the real Ted Webb in the chat?

Probably, yeah.

Yeah, because he's got a registered account, I'm sure.

Yeah, sure, that's Ted Webb.

Why not?

Why wouldn't it be?

Hey, Ted.

Hey, Ted Webb.

All right.

These miracles still happen right here.

98.6 the mouth.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Anyway, so let's get to the show.

And that means prank calls.

I'm ready for this.

I can do this today.

This is a number for a Coca-Cola fountain repair service.

Let's be stupid, Milkman.

Let's be stupid.

Yeah, let's act stupid.

Let's get stupid, VoxOx.

Come on, VoxOx.

You can do it.

I already tested these calls, VoxOx, now.

I texted calling already with you.

Working my way back until I get it fixed.

Anyway, Milkman, what have you been up to?

Are you going up to the mountain today like you did last week?

You were high on the mountain in your car talking to us,

and you said there was a cloud coming at you,

and you were giggling and you were playing with the cloud you were like really tripping last week

it was fucking hilarious dude i was up on top of the highest point on the mountain dude and the

first time the fog's been starting to come back man hasn't been here for a while because we've

had a terrible drought and shit so literally man it was so thick i rolled down my window man

and my hand was like getting disappearing in the cloud it's like if you're looking at it from down

in san francisco you just saw a big cloud my hand went poof right into the cloud and gone

that's why i was like yeah man this is nature but it was for really happening trippy like so

the cloud the fog cloud actually can't it's that thick like there was a cold i imagine it was cold

this train wreck is was it was it yeah no it wasn't cold it was just a real strong breeze it

was probably about 50 ish maybe 40 ish man if you know if you count in the wind factor oh we are

our account in the wind factor of course we're crazy that whips it up that way but literally

my hand was disappearing in the cloud it was far out and i'm sitting in the car right outside it's

all foggy so that's what was sitting there and i was looking like my hand wanted to go poof

it's gone if i pull it back in oh there it is um well this sucks with the phones we've just been

sitting here waiting for a phone call to go through all this time reboot it up reboot the

restart reset up the whole show i gotta do that it doesn't take long can you reboot can you just

reboot the item itself or do you have to do the whole show i would have well i mean that's my

next step here because i just restarted the actual application it's not okay try that if

it doesn't work you gotta reset because there's no other fucking choice we have nothing nothing

else we can do i think the last two shows we've done we could go necro man you could like hold

it up to the microphone oh my god no and going back to that crazy man come on you know you're

You're the best.

Yeah, and nobody is better than you at this.

I don't want to do the calls on the phone, on my phone.

Fuck that.

Internet.

I don't want to be with my call from my cell phone.

I'm an amateur.

Well, let's go ahead and use the cards like we used to and just dial through and use that card.

And we got the change right.

You call.

Boop.

No, I'm going to restart then.

Oh, well, it's done.

It's going to get the tiny chat working again.

Remember, I'm on tiny chat, tinychat.com slash prank call nation.

um and i'm just waiting on pc number two the slower one uh to finish starting up so that i can

get skype reconnected and move on with the show hopefully we can do calls as a matter of fact

let's go ahead and test that now i'm gonna test out on pc number one stand by my cell phone real

quick see if that works this is all stuff that gets edited out of the main uh podcast to see

the live studio action in progress that's the kind of effect i like to have with the show hey

Hey, you see, look, it's ringing.

Motherfuckers, it's calling my cell phone.

I get so many compliments from my ringtone.

So many compliments.

All the time, ladies are like,

Oh, that's funny, that's, uh, what is that?

Is that Donkey Kong?

Everyone assumes at first it's Donkey Kong.

Most people say Donkey Kong, and they say,

No, it's Pac-Man.

And like, oh yeah, you're right.

But it's some cool shit, you know?

I also get a lot of compliments for this Muhammad Ali t-shirt I wear.

It's Muhammad Ali after he knocks out Liston.

The second Muhammad Ali, the second Ali-Liston fight,

that's the one with the famous, it ended in the first round.

Ali just fucking came across, hit him, and he went down.

Now what a lot of people don't talk about that fight is the fact

that Liston was a dirty, he was a dirty, he was a crook.

He was a dirty fighter.

He was a mob fighter, Sonny Liston was.

He was formidable, but he was involved with the mob,

And everyone at that time just presumed that the fight was fixed and the mob told him to take a loss.

Which ended up not being true, according to most experts, boxing and sports experts.

They said, no, he actually did get hit and knocked out like that.

That's why you don't hear that anymore.

I know that immediately they checked his gloves to see if he had snuck in something metal in them.

You know, before every boxing fight, the referee watches.

There's an official that watches as the trainer gets the gloves on and wraps them up,

and they actually initial it and everything.

They actually put a big Sharpie initial.

Just like when I have eye surgery, my doctor, I've had a few eye surgeries, unfortunately.

My doctor will tell me to point to the eye that's being operated on, and I will point to that eye.

and he says i agree and he puts his initials above my eye he's got a he's a korean so he's

like dr ching chong puts his he's a real dope uh fuck guy but anyway speaking of what we're

talking about ollie liston um so there's the famous a famous hit some call it the ghost punch

but he got ollie got cheered and booed you got to see this is at the height um of the vietnam

conflict the vietnam conflict was getting really hot and ollie was in the middle of his whole

refusal to

be drafted. That's why he had his

heavyweight championship stripped from him.

Formal charges were filed

federally by the government for his.

So, and at that

point, there was

negative, there was of course the negative

sentiment that were all led to

remember, you know, the whole

anti-war movement back during the Vietnam

War. But there was a lot of people that

were, you know, hawks, just like there are

now. Especially at the beginning

of the conflict it wasn't until later on that people were like well this is some bullshit

you know so many hundred thousand uh uh of our boys being killed what you know the country

anyway so yeah a lot of negatives they threw shit at ali they called him a cheater they said

check his gloves all and they did they did and they didn't find anything but anyway that's the

real story behind that famous picture i'm sure you all know what i'm talking about i'm not if google

just google sunny uh ollie liston knockout and that's that picture where he's standing over him

with his arm curled up yelling at him and he was yelling get up motherfucker at him yeah

sunny liston sunny liston was later found dead i believe not that much longer he died young

of a drug overdose in a las vegas casino not sure which one exactly um amid controversy because his

His wife said that he was deadly afraid of needles, just like that one guy that died, I don't know, in the 70s, 80s.

Was his name Sid Vicious? Is that who it was?

Parent overdose, and people say that he was always afraid of them, and someone murdered him, or it was questionable.

Same, Sonny Lesson, I mean, you think about it.

The guy, he was, he turned into a bum fighter after Ali knocked him out a second time.

It looks like he went against the mob's wishes by losing that fight so early he dropped it.

they probably felt um they were on he was on their shit list and he's staying in a las vegas casino

in the 60s 70s was a mob casino las vegas was a mob town and there's a lot of people that will

tell you it's it's a it's still a corporate mob corporate slash mob town the that the mob still

controls the taxis and stuff like that in las vegas i don't know i don't want i've never really

got in into that myself but yeah they found him dead of a drug overdose a man who never had

had heroin problems had drinking problems but never drugs or heroin or anything like that

but who knows all right maybe he tried it for the first time did it wrong and was by himself he was

with and he wasn't alone he was with some chick you know obviously it was a marriage to her but

he was with some chick and you know she swore up and down it was kind of like a like a chris farley

thing you know where the chick probably could have gotten him help if she would have told someone but

she just you know bugged the fuck out and that's what's fucked up about about the chris farley

story about how he died he was with a hooker in his apartment he starts having an overdose

and the hooker says the hooker says that he uh that that he just kind of laid down and laid you

know but it's really obvious that i think she took did she take that picture there's a picture

out there chris farley death picture and he's you know poor chris farley he's on the ground

you know dead from an overdose foaming at the mouth i think supposedly she took that picture

but she just left whatever it was she just left and didn't you know didn't call authorities and

try to get him help when he died now i'm not trying to say that chris farley was killed or

assassinated by the mob or the government or anything but i'm just saying it's a sad situation

or you know and it reminds you of kind of like breaking bad look at breaking bad

where uh the main character uh watches the that one girl who was in love with uh the other lead

the younger lead uh was playing jesse have a heroin overdose right in front of him and he

for his own gain and for what he thought would be best for the guy they were both laying in bed high

and he he broke in to go visit it was you gotta watch if you haven't watched it you gotta watch

it but she has the overdose right there foaming at the mouth and everything probably very much

Much like Chris Farley did.

And did nothing.

Better die.

Yeah.

Wow, man, I've been talking.

Let me get Milkman.

I didn't even try to get Milkman back here.

We're way beyond ready to come back.

That only took like three minutes, I think, until I was at least playing music again.

That's not bad.

I've got it down to science.

I'm helped by the fact that the main PC is a solid state drive.

This laptop is not.

This is an old busted laptop from 2009.

Like, I want to upgrade my laptop, but I don't really have a use for a laptop because of my iPad.

I don't need the motherfucker anymore, you know?

Who needs one?

Milkman, are you there, buddy?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I've been back for a while.

I just started talking about Muhammad Ali and Chris Farley.

Sorry, I got a little carried away there with my stories.

Oh, don't.

You had a show without me.

All right.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Welcome back, man.

Thank you, man.

All right.

So, maybe you know.

Who was, I guess he was a punk rocker that died of a heroin overdose.

overdose um he's in the club of people that died young you know what i mean but they talk about

Sid Vicious yes so it is Sid Vicious right heroin overdose but um several people said he was really

afraid of needles deathly afraid he never would have what's that Sid Vicious was famous yeah yeah

yeah but isn't it don't they say that they think he might there might have been some dirty dirty

pool being played when he died because he he was supposedly afraid of needles then you know would

not have been into doing heroin with needles shooting up i've heard there's some questions

as to you know the actual reason of his death man i've heard that and you know also like like like

brian jones of the stones dude they just found him in a swimming pool grounded no one really

knows what happened to him you know do you know about sunny liston dying because i just said the

whole story about it do you have any would you have anything to add or you don't know about

about Sonny Liston, the boxer who died in a Las Vegas casino

after having lost to Ali in the first round.

No, I didn't know about that.

I don't know anything about that.

I can't comment, man.

Fill me in, man.

I don't know anything about it.

When did this happen?

Well, no, I mean, I don't want to talk about it now.

I just gave the story.

I'm sorry.

That's my fault for not having.

He was the guy, Muhammad Ali beat him.

Briefly.

He was like a mob fighter.

He was known for being involved with the mob.

He was a heavyweight champion for a while.

Well, Ali beat him in one punch.

Oh, okay.

You know the famous picture with Ali over the guy with his arm crossed over, his shoulder up?

Wasn't he a white guy?

Was he a white guy?

No, no, no.

Black guy.

He was a brother.

I don't remember.

Yeah.

But his...

And he died in a Vegas casino in the 70s and the 60s, I think.

And it's questionable because he died of a heroin overdose and they say he never did heroin and stuff.

Look, here we go.

Listen.

I got it.

Here's the story.

Liston was found dead by his wife, Geraldine, in their Las Vegas home.

Or I was wrong.

I was off.

In 1971.

She was on a two-week trip.

She smelled a foul odor emanating from the main bedroom.

And on entering, saw Sonny stumbled up against the bed while he had been dead for a while.

There was a broken foot bench on the floor.

You see, that's where you start thinking, what's up with that?

Was there a struggle, you know?

Authorities theorize he was undressing for bed.

when he fell over backward with such force that he broke the rail of the bench.

Oh, come on.

No.

Sounds like you got crowned with the bench, dude.

So he did an overdose.

There was a boxer that overdosed in a casino, and, man, I was way off with my story.

I knew the guy had died young, but it was questionable because they think it was really weird for a man of his strength to die like that.

Las Vegas is notorious for the backing of crime and death of famous stars, dude, in questionable circumstances.

Now, you know, just recently I heard this, and I haven't heard much more about it, and I haven't been following it because I've not been on Facebook or anything.

But about what, a week after B.B. King passed away, his daughters and them had came on in the news and had complained that his manager had blocked them entrance into the hospital room while he was going through these diabetic seizures and stuff.

Yeah. And that they believe that he they had injected or given him some kind of medication to cause him to go on these seizures until he finally died.

And that that's why that they were not allowed entry until after he was dead, because they were administering this medication to him and causing these seizures.

And for what? That's the last I heard of. It was like on the news, like on like I heard on the radio or something.

Were they after money? Is that what it was?

I don't know.

I don't know if they're after money.

All I know is that they said that on the air.

This was like on the newscast.

And I've never heard anything more about it.

Like I'm telling you, I haven't followed up on it.

Because, you know, I've been going through a lot of stuff my own self, which I discussed with you off air.

And I have not followed up on it.

I don't even know if it's on Facebook.

But I heard it on the radio.

It was like maybe KGO, I think I heard it.

Okay.

Well, we'll see.

Hey, we've got to do some pranks, man.

Man, it's 846 Eastern.

Anything around Vegas, man, be careful if you're a famous startup out there, man,

because you may not come back alive, man, is what I've heard.

Yeah, you got to wash out, man.

All right, I want to call back this lady who was selling a racing, a racking.

Are we dialing now?

Are we able to call out yet?

Have you made a call yet, or have you just been BSing?

I tested my cell phone on the main PC, and it rang.

Everyone heard it.

I didn't try on the laptop.

Let's see.

My preferred way to do this is on the laptop.

and it's thinking it's sitting there let's do a test call on a low value number to see if he can

get through yeah i think it's going to fail on the laptop here let's try on the machine that i just

tested when i rebooted there we go it's working there we'll stick to that we'll stick to what we

got okay thank you thank you all has been forwarded to an automated voice it might be if i have two

accounts logged in pride pretty soon this month i think what's that honey what's that honey baby

Pride week is this week, this week, this month.

In San Francisco?

Yes, are you coming?

No, no, uh-uh-uh.

Hey, that is a thing, you know, you got to come.

No, no, I'm not going to come, it's disgusting.

Listen, um, it can be really crass.

I was slapping you because I had some really fucking crazy customers, man.

I mean, this is some funny shit, I like, uh, I'll have to tell you off-air, some funny shit.

I've been laughing my ass off trying to be...

Last year, I remember seeing a video that had a Pride Whopper at Burger King in San Francisco.

Oh, really?

I just saw the video, yeah.

If someone ordered a Whopper, they would say, would you like to have a Pride Whopper?

And they said, what's that?

And they said, it's just a Pride Whopper.

It's just made with pride.

Some people say, yeah.

And it was the same exact thing until you got to the very end and you saw the rainbow flag on the wrapper at the bottom.

them yeah and then some people were like i don't appreciate that most people were saying oh that's

cool that's cool so i want one hell if the sandwich hasn't been messed up it's a normal

sandwich i'll have one offer me be like forwarded to an automated voice and risk getting the hiv

virus with like a different wrapper basically yeah but you have a higher risk of getting hiv

from the burger just saying well fuck that i won't have one i'll get one i'll let you test it out

first thanks man thanks man thank you man i was gonna play rage against the machine tonight but

this is feeling good i like jazz dude i much prefer because rage against the machine is like

dude that kept talking and he wasn't even rapping he was just like

just because it isn't like you like that's all right if he was not talking it would have been

better if it's like beats of music all right let me try we're gonna try that coca-cola fountain

service machine again so this is a line for uh coca-cola's emergency service for fountain drink

machines so you can like dial the numbers and like mix your drink differently like a mixologist like

seven is right if it's a freestyle machine is that what you're talking about all right now look

yeah those are cool and have you seen those yeah man they're good look right now this is starting

to get on my case because i put in a toll-free number now and it's just sitting here and i'm

not thinking all right let me test my cell phone again it's working i'm not lying yeah

oh shit i forgot to get back in tiny jet i think am i in tiny jet did i get in guys i'm in the room

i forgot to hit broadcast my bad all right we'll try that toll-free line again jumpy day here with

the show i know guys i'm sorry jumpy night i should say i'm getting it i'm getting it have

Have some patience, like Milkman would say.

Give us a chance.

We'll get all straightened out in this segment,

and then by the time you guys start doing the calls, I'll be gone.

And then the show will be over, right?

No, no, everything will be working great, and I'll be gone.

Maybe it's just you, Milkman.

Now I feel like I'm in an elevator.

Now I want to hear Rage Against the Machine,

because I'm getting mad at VoxOx.

I'm going to try a different number.

This company does maintenance and repair services for industrial measurement machines.

I love that fucking description.

Press 5 to go to after-hours assistance.

Thank you very much.

These are from James.

There we go.

James Parkman.

Parker.

I forgot his name.

He's been helping me out.

I've been doing a lot of his numbers.

It's like Lonesome Loser Jr.

Well, we need Lonesome out there.

If anyone has contact with Lonesome, please tell them.

Tell him we need him.

Our business hours are 8 a.m. to 4.30 p.m.

Your call is being transferred.

For quality assurance purposes, your call may be recorded.

Tell Artie to call him.

Artie, they talk a lot, or they used to, at least.

Tell Artie to call him.

Artie?

You're calling Artie?

No, Evil Artie.

He might be able to call.

I don't have Lonesome Loser's phone number.

Artie does.

Oh, Artie can contact him, yeah.

Lonesome might be able to do it if it's earlier, like we're moving our time to 8.

Good evening, Balance Technology.

Yes.

Are you amenable?

I'm sorry?

Are you amenable?

This is balanced technology.

Yeah, I know.

You do the maintenance and repair services for industrial measurement machines.

Okay.

Yes, I do.

The measurement machine needs to go.

It doesn't go.

You need to fix it, motherfucking shit.

Okay.

Do you need a service call?

What do you think?

If I'm calling and this machine doesn't go, is there a man that can help me that might understand?

Nope.

No man here.

Are you by yourself?

I can take some information and get it to the on-call.

You'll probably mess it up.

Can I help you or not?

I guess.

Yeah, so you want to come over here and fix it?

Operator terminating the call.

Why?

No, no, no.

Dude, was she an operator or was she just answering service?

She sounded like answering service.

That's why I was going to type D.

Just answering.

It's probably just an answering service.

Yeah.

And they take message every, you know, there's usually one guy a week out of the staff that

takes, is the on-call.

He gets paid a little extra money that week.

That's how it works for me.

You have reached the aftermarket department.

Oh, God.

When I first started this show, I was on call for a transportation company.

Quality assurance purposes.

Your call may be recorded.

I would get so mad when that phone would ring right before a show was about to start,

and I had to take it.

Oh, my God.

I'd get so pissed.

And Sunday nights were the worst,

because everyone wanted their rides for Monday,

and they wanted to wait until the last minute to call.

Oh, I would get, I would tell him straight up like, yeah, stupid.

like if you know you have a doctor's appointment on monday you they would

wait until sunday night to call in and be like all right well it's eight o'clock at night on

on sunday night i'm not about to start calling drivers to find someone who's going to do your

fucking trip in the morning you're gonna have to wait until we open at seven for us to start calling

it's like look i'm sorry it's not a taxi service you know we were and we weren't we weren't a taxi

service we were uh transportation for medical you know medical transportation so like for you

for example milk good evening balance technology may help you yeah for example you bam i need you

to take a message please for the on-call all right and can i have your name aculo a-c-u-l-o

a-c-u-l-o okay and the name of the company or business uh balance technology machines

you're with balance technology yeah machines machines all right and can i have your phone

number there please uh yeah you can 428-734-2015 we're going to repeat that 428-734-2015

No, you're way off.

Way off? How off am I?

It's 243.

Okay, well, that's not what you gave me, is it?

It's exactly what I gave you.

I know what the phone number is, the area code of phone number here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're being kind of ignorant.

Oh, really, am I?

Can we take the phone call and the message that I need to get through, please?

Yeah, give me the phone number again, please.

243-156-2015.

Oh, that's totally different.

243-156-2015.

Yeah, I think you only got the last four right.

Yeah, I have to say 2015.

Okay, and what were you calling about?

You ready for the message?

Hold on just a moment.

No.

Go ahead.

Okay.

You, for example, in this case, we show that Muhammad Ali knocked out Sonny Liston in the first round in their second battle.

Sonny Liston was a mob fighter.

Hold on just a second, if you will.

I'm going to give her a dissertation on Molly Liston, too.

I forgot what I was going to talk to her about.

Shit.

Hey, are you listening with me on hold, queer?

Jazz is better.

I actually like the jazz better.

You wanted me to just play a random jazz?

All right, I can do that.

I don't mind.

It doesn't matter.

It was just, like, anything was better than the talking.

No, I'm feeling tonight, I'm feeling slow, nice, chill.

I like this better, dude.

I like it.

It's actually...

Jazz, you should.

It stimulates, it is more conducive to relaxation and a bit of chill.

The synapses.

I'm ducking out of this call.

It's stupid.

I already don't care.

All right.

Advanced animal care.

Here we go.

Animal, 24-hour animal care machines.

All right.

Hey, Milkman, you know what I tried the other day that was good?

I made a PBJ, you know, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I used rye bread.

Pretty good.

Not marble rye, not the dark marble rye,

but just like you know the light rye old style rye are you listening boy boy yeah i hear you

pumpernickel too man pumpernickel a little too uh sharp for me well i like the pumpernickels just

take like really good butter and just take like just slather big like like slap it right across

the pumpernickel man it's milk all right now we're sitting here waiting for calls to go through and

I'm going to test it on my cell phone again.

Here we go.

Mira.

Aculo.

Que fue?

Yeah, the outgoing calls aren't going through again now.

Mira, aculo.

Damn.

Let me restart VoxOx.

It's a pain in the bitch.

Ask is killed.

I'll restart.

Unless I'm out of credit.

I didn't think about it.

Where's my credit at?

70 cents.

No, I'm good still.

Penny a minute.

70 cents.

That's the problem.

No, it's a penny a minute to the United States.

I can do a whole show on it.

I can do a whole...

Calling cell phone worker.

Here we go with advanced animal care machine.

I'm a little troubled because I can't use Skype.

Vox Ox is going to give me trouble.

Oh, oh, it's stuck again.

It's stuck again.

Motherfucker.

Somebody in the chat.

What, dude?

Is that prank call?

Was that prank call master?

Prank call mania.

No, that's not master.

Oh, mania.

Okay, it was truncated.

I see it now.

Hello?

There we go.

Finally.

I had a space animal care.

This is...

Hello?

Come on, lady.

She said hello.

Maybe she hung up real quick, dude.

I didn't say a word, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's not going through.

That's what's going on.

Maybe Voxox has blocked me.

I don't know.

I'm going to type a message.

Maybe I got on Voxox's bad bullshit.

What bad side?

I give them plenty of money.

Yeah, Voxox starts blocking me up.

I'm going to be screwed

because i don't i don't have i don't know i've been getting a copper line in here which i really

don't want to do because that's really traceable read that what i just typed there man i've been

wondering this for a while nope no stress just sitting here with no dime here's my cell phone

that's working and by the way i gotta mark this for uh deletion off the i couldn't find the hang

up button for some reason here is the next number then med vet all right so we got proof it was just

working i called my cell phone sometimes i notice like some area codes will just blank out and stop

working i've noticed that before and i think it just has to do with you know how they're set up

whatever their setup is for connections and stuff here's a toll-free number for penske 24-hour line

what's penske do is it i thought that was oil changes and shit yeah what is penske they rent

vehicles and stuff like that like big vehicles like construction and shit right trucks all kinds

Right, just shit-moving trucks.

Like, if you only need it for a project, you don't want to own a big-ass dump truck.

You can call Penske, right, and they'll deliver a dump truck for you.

Yeah, like a big vehicle.

They're usually like big, big panel-like vans and shit like that, so you can do movement and stuff.

There's some other ones.

There's like Nef Rental, I think, is a big one like that.

There's a few out there.

Yeah.

I know when I worked at the A.C. company, I used to have to book.

sometimes they would need a crane to put an ac unit on top of a like commercial building

yeah they got different companies that do that down here what the fuck it's biggie but like

penske i'm one of my customers she used to one of my customers and she started working for penske

so like she knew how to drive and do all that shit but mostly you know she was just in the

book inside of it so they got tons of trucks and vehicles all kinds of shit that you can rent all

over okay okay i got you all right i'm a little troubled here with the numbers but again this

This has happened before where it's just certain areas.

Calls don't go through.

I'm going to move away.

I'm going to try not to do toll-free lines.

And I'll try this.

Sorry, James Parkman, for not being able to do more of your numbers.

Maybe tomorrow.

Here's another number, and it's just sitting here trying to dial and not going through.

Fuck.

Come on.

And it did this last week.

And all I had to do was restart everything, and it worked perfectly.

I did that this time, and it fixed it to where it started dialing, and I still can't.

oh guys just listen to the jazz here's a number that works i'll edit it all out the podcast

podcast just be sure your call has been forwarded to it i'm starting to get into

iced tea without any sweetener just you know dude isn't that great that's what the best man

just pure tea man that's the way i am dude you're finally getting there yeah it's a switch it's like

you know the switch from regular milk to skim and or regular coke to diet coke you know there's a

I actually appreciate the taste of the tea from then on.

You're not tasting the sweetener to cover it.

If I had lime, I don't even miss it, to be honest with you.

The lime has a little bit of natural sugar in there, bro.

And I love limes over lemons, man.

I hope chat room give me your limes or lemons.

I'm team lime, bro, all the way.

Oh, absolutely limes.

You know me, babe.

I'm from the islands.

We got a lot of friends from the UK also.

They're limes.

I guess the islands, too, because that was the British Virgin Islands.

times grow natural down there where we're at somebody pick up the phone

you know we can get the phone wow dude you could actually do jazz singing in there man

well we can we can get the phone calls working and we can't

we can't make sure that people fuck a garrison you can do the singing we got someone looking

for unwanted farm animals to give a good home it's probably a pervert wants to fuck them yeah

Yeah, you got an unwanted horse?

Dude, that don't even sound right.

Man, don't call that one.

I want him.

I want a little sheep.

Oh, I had a message earlier.

Long-time listener, Lily.

Riri.

Come here, this is my caller ID.

This is Ashley.

Please leave your message.

That's good.

Well, at least we know the calls are getting through.

Dang.

Now what, Milkman?

Well, let's look at the city of Sacramento, California

and see if I can find somewhere to call.

Mmm, sack.

Yeah, I know what.

I need some Lowe's.

slows will get me out of this funk when we're in an hour and a show i'm barely getting we have no

prank calls yet to show well hell we hadn't even done a show for an hour yet because the show has

been down for like what 30 minutes it's been down for longer than that i haven't had a prank yet

no i mean i mean we didn't even went on the air for like 20 minutes or more i sat there and typed

in the chat by myself hey another number all sunny liston did the show i saw what's going on

sunny liston was doing the show that's why i didn't yeah i was talking about sunny liston

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

For directions.

For information on deliveries, press one.

For scheduled in transferring to flooring, please hold.

Aw, flooring.

They're dickheads in flooring.

They have no sense of humor in flooring, ever.

Don't they have electronics there?

No, I don't think they do.

They get like a TV or two, but no.

How can I transfer you to Food Court?

Ain't no Food Court in Lowe's.

This ain't Costco.

I know.

I'm transferring you there.

That's what I'm saying.

I swear I saw.

They got a kitchen in there and everything.

Could I have the Marine Department, please?

Thank you for calling U.S. Academy.

I'm Loco speaking.

How may I direct your call?

Hey, mierda.

I'm looking for someone in tools.

Okay, give me a second.

All right, pull time.

Can I have someone in the mail department, please?

The mail?

The mail room?

Mail.

Mail department.

The mail room.

Screw department.

One moment, sir.

Mail room.

Coming up.

Okay.

How about a nut department?

Screw and nut department, please.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't put a screw with a screw, Milkman.

You need a nut.

How about a bulb, apartment?

Thanks a lot, Milkman.

You got me.

You can't go with a screw.

What an asshole.

Why didn't I just say hello?

Bitch.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

For information on deliveries, press one.

For scheduled installations, press two.

Commercial sales, press three.

Three. Transferring to hardware and tools. Please hold.

Who won? What happened in the chat with limes versus lemons?

Oh, okay. I see a lot of limes. I think limes won out. Yeah.

Limes won.

Limes.

Yeah. A few people thought.

Hello?

It was an hardware.

Yeah. I called earlier and someone hung up the phone. What happened?

Oh, I don't know. I didn't hear anyone on the other end, so I just hung up.

Ignorant. I'm looking up a part.

Oh, okay. Sure. What part were you looking for, sir?

I'm looking for a, let's see, where did it go?

I need a fuel pump for a 99 Honda Accord.

Fuel pump for a 99 Honda Accord?

Yeah.

Okay, and you're trying to contact Lowe's about that?

Yeah.

Okay, let me check and see if we have it.

Okay, thank you.

Sure.

Belmont from Castlevania whipping his chin,

and Mario jumping on Goombas on the other side.

Okay, let's see, fuel pump, what year is it?

99.

99?

Yeah.

What I'm doing is I'm actually going onto our website right now to see...

Well, you shouldn't be on the Internet.

You shouldn't be on the Internet, you know?

Okay.

It's a waste of...

In order to...

I mean, I need help.

I don't need you on the Internet looking up stuff.

Well, right now, I can't find it in 19.

I just got there in our aisle 19, and it's not there.

Is that the car aisle?

Yes, it is, sir.

You have car parts there?

We have, like, automotive items.

Like what?

So we have battery chargers.

Oh, wow.

You think it would be there?

You got the little air freshener that you put in the air vent?

That I don't think so.

So you looked in that place for a fuel pump for a 99 Accord.

Do you think there's a chance that you might have car parts at a home improvement store?

I don't know.

That's why I thought I'd check.

Okay.

Let me ask you a serious question.

How seriously do you take your job?

Have you been doing this long?

Are you just like, fuck all?

Why do you ask?

I don't know.

I try to help you out.

Yeah, yeah, I appreciate it.

But to me, common sense to me is that I would call it an auto parts store or something like that.

Okay.

Did you really think there was a chance?

I don't know.

You were after me.

I thought maybe you were trying to.

Because we get a lot of customers that actually check to see if we have parts.

And sometimes we do have automotive parts in aisle 18.

We do.

Look up brakes for an 88 Ford Escort.

Okay.

Let me help this thing throughout.

I'm helping about right now.

Okay, asshole.

Let me need that part there.

Okay, yeah, it's not coming up at all.

Do you have any private parts?

Private parts, let's see, other than the Honda brakes, what else?

Private parts?

No private parts?

No.

Do you have a carburetor for an 82 Ford motherfucker?

Let me check.

2014.

WD-40 on this chair. Listen to this.

No, it's not doing it, of course.

Just like when you take your car out of the mechanic.

Fucking asshole. Fucking chair making me look like a dickhead.

Do it now, cocksucker. Do it!

There we go. You heard that? I need some WD-40.

I went, ooh. Ooh.

It's probably just under my big, fat weight.

It's like, oh, let me die.

Please let me die.

Hello?

Four on hand, but I don't see the other two.

Four on hand?

Four carburetors for an 88 Ford motherfucker, right?

Wow.

84 motherfucker.

See if they got any carburetor parts for a 2014 vehicle.

But why?

Do they not have carburetors in cars anymore or something?

Fuck, they haven't had them for fucking 30 years.

No.

Oh, damn.

No.

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

What's the deal with the catalytic converters?

Aren't they made of some kind of rare, really expensive metal

A metal that if you reclaim it, you can actually get a lot of money if you scrap it?

Platinum.

Wow.

That's like the best credit card, except for the black card.

That's one of the most valuable metals in the world, man.

Yeah.

I think he's just helping other customers.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go Milkman, all right?

Yeah, let's drop him, dude.

He's a waste of time.

He's so fucking stupid.

He's not funny.

I said the 20, what I said was a carburetor for a modern vehicle.

They haven't made carburetors on modern vehicles for about at least 20 years, dude.

Let's call the wood department to make a fucking room.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

I just got to find the number.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Appliances, press 4.

Lumber and building materials, press 5.

Flooring, press 6.

Transferring to lumber and building materials, please hold.

Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

God, he nagged so much.

Which one is the hammer department?

I think that's Tools, the guy we were just talking to.

He's fucking spaced out.

Oh.

We got hit in the head with a hammer.

I think something fell off that this gel was on.

Yeah, while he was looking.

He didn't notice it, you know.

Lumber.

Hi.

Lumber.

Hey, Lumber, how are you?

Good.

Yeah, I need to know how much plywood am I going to need, let's say,

to make a fucking room for my pitbulls and then go in there and fuck.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

I'm done with Lowe's.

i'm done with my safe zone of lows i kind of figured we'd lose them there as soon as you

started yeah that was a stupid idea you're right thanks milkman for warning me ahead of time

well dude you know when you start that shit dude the gangbang shit is this fucking they're

gonna hang up on me you know that sounds like you need i comment you want to dump the call

just hang up i'm going to waste your time with that shit i'll dump you dump your call

i actually think it's funnier if you just dump the call okay okay um let's see looking around

here i got mcdonald's starbucks nugget market target how about target yeah tarjay let's fuck

with them yeah man they got a great picture department here's what i'm noticing with vox

ox it's not um i used to be able to throw numbers in there anyway like anyway and would format it on

its own it's not doing that tonight this is kind of like i don't understand i had to actually do

the one area code and phone number oh fuck it i mean that's not working now what was i talking

about he's a good hit a ghost train that's what he needs all right we'll test my cell

it's not bad dude working all right now it's calling my cell this is one of those things

where call some numbers and it called some it doesn't ups customer center probably closed down

right it's a toll-free number those don't seem to be working i was gonna say 800 it probably

won't go through you got any restaurant numbers whatever happened to our restaurant numbers dude

Dude, we used to have billions of them.

We never call restaurants anymore.

No, I can find restaurants.

That's easy.

I can get restaurants if I need to.

Here's a news station.

Let's call them.

I'm just thinking, so far, we haven't been, this spine hasn't been producing much.

Dumbass.

I make up a big fix.

Thank you for calling East End.

This is Dale Shornack.

If you know your party's extension, press 1 now.

If you'd like to report a news event or have a watchdog story you'd like us to investigate,

press 2 now.

If you'd like to speak with our assignment desk and report a news event, press 1 now.

For the Watchdog tip line, press 2 now.

News 10, this is Burnout.

Hey, how are you? This is your Burnout?

This is News 10. My name is Burnout. How can I help you?

Oh, hey, Burnout. Yeah, I'm calling. I'm here at the Lowe's.

And this guy's all, he's, there's like these Puerto Ricans here.

And they were like, hey, you motherfucker, like that.

And he pushed them into the shelves, and the shelf collapsed, and all these generators fell down.

and um then these black guys came running and was like oh motherfucker motherfucker like what

are you doing sir was someone hurt yeah yeah this where is this it's in the lows what lows

the lows home improvement what street what city lake washington boulevard thank you for calling

goodbye can i tell you something what a dick wow he's pretty nice i like him thank you for calling

Calling News 10. This is Dale Shornack.

If you know your party's extension, press 1 now.

If you'd like to report a news event or have a watchdog story you'd like us to investigate, press 2 now.

You can call or speak with us.

News

10, this is Burnett.

Why are you talking like that to me, motherfucker?

Sir, I'm dealing with an officer-involved shooting.

You don't seem to be able to come to the point.

I'm just trying to find out what happened.

Do you have anything else to say?

Yeah, like 10 people died over here, and the fucking thing collapsed.

And there was a tank that rolled in, and they shot a shell, and it blew up the bathroom.

room and there was a woman coming out she was carrying her arms like that and this guy came

helicopter came down and the guy was gonna pick them up in the helicopter and the helicopter

blades hit some of the light post and it fell down sideways like in that uh like in that movie

black hawk down and there's a lot of smoke coming out and then this guy came out of the fire and he

was burning but he was still walking around and he reformed himself into a man i've never seen

anything like this and then there was this austrian guy with a biker a biker jacket on

and there was all the cops came around they were shooting him like

and he was just taking the shots and he didn't fall down like that and there was a a lady in

like uh in like a sports bra and her hair tied back in a ponytail and like this kid on a dirt

bike. Did you get all that, Barnett?

Yeah, why do you have a woman's name?

Hello? Give me attention.

I can hear what's going on in the background.

He's checking the police scanner.

I think Barnett's still writing all

that down. Burnett.

My name is Burnett.

Burnout.

Thank you for calling News 10.

This is Dale Shornack.

We need to talk to Dale Shornack.

I think we want to talk to Dale Shornack.

How you doing there? This is Burnett.

News 10, this is Barnett.

Hi, Burnett.

Did you get all my information?

Can you read it back to me, motherfucker?

Are you done?

Did you get the...

You didn't even write it down.

If you want to have a swearing contest, I'd be happy to do that.

Yeah, let's do it, fucking cock-sucking motherfucker.

You have a woman's name.

What's up with that?

Your parents hate you?

Did they wish you were a girl?

Just let me know when you're done, and we'll get on with it.

Go ahead.

Go.

It's your turn.

I guess I win.

I win.

I'm a champion.

I'm Muhammad Ali.

Oh.

Fuck him.

He's not giving me the attention I'm looking for.

What did he say?

He had an officer involved shooting a 10-man shooting?

No, I said I had a 10-man, 10 people dead.

Oh, okay.

He said officer involved shooting or some shit.

Yeah, he did.

He said he was busy with an officer involved shooting.

He found that more important than your call.

Carol Burnett did.

He found that more important than the Terminator fight at the Lowe's.

Yeah.

I want to know if his real name is Carol.

I want to see that fucking movie.

I want to see the fucking Terminator driving a tank at the Lowe's.

blowing up the bathroom like exactly have you seen that um mad max yet no no but you know what

i'm excited for the new all my customers keep telling me they like it's some badass vehicles

i guess like the main dude has got like a a double wide 59 cadillacs two of them like like

welded together yeah and the wheels on the outside turning and then like the ones in the middle like

mauling over people and shit dude he's like says some wicked ass vehicles man yeah you know that

that movie they um they put a digital version of charlton heston in it he's like the the lead bad

guy it's amazing he uh he comes out at one point it's like can you dig it like that and he has like

a rifle in his hand he's like from my cold dead hands can you dig it really yeah and everyone's

like yeah and then they go right out to go kill mel gibson yeah that's all that's all i saw from

the um they had the well how did they get mel gibson in it he's dead no he's alive he's dead

dead in hollywood but he's alive oh yeah well wait no i mean we mean dead in hollywood he's

he's dead alive right now mel mel gibson is alive a b he's dead to hollywood because he

he hates jews and he beats girls up and records it no no the girl records him beating girls up

yeah and he yeah and he he goes on drunk tirades about the jews to cops report everything he says

what was that he was doing all that he was beating that girl's ass and then she recorded him

screaming all that shit a couple years ago oh no he is he was at a some kind of resort down

in the caribbean and he was fighting on the cell phone um yeah that's what it was something like

that and it was like i thought there was something like some kind of somebody nearby was recording it

and then well yeah then there's also the messages uh when he talked to the baby yeah because it was

like something like abuse shit going on there he was screaming all kinds of shit that wasn't for

real she made it up that the abuse you could tell it was kind of she was saying shit she had

cut it up and stuff they found i think it came out but dude he's funny he's like you should just

come home and blow me he would say shit like that hang on let's see mel mel gibson ran it was some

funny shit i remember it was right man it was pretty right dude he's like he's talking like

that shit he's like fucking a maniac that's here it's all weird sounding man it didn't sound like

him you should just come home and blow me it has nothing to do with it correct i've never had

What? I didn't. I never said anything of a kind.

You never asked me, I never told you.

Or maybe you asked me, but I never lied about this.

That's none of your fucking business.

It is, it is.

He's talking about breast implants and feeding his...

She's feeding his baby with breast...

But she has breast implants, I guess.

Oh, shit, man, what the fuck?

Like, stupid.

I don't walk around in tight clothes.

I stay at home for most of the time.

That's one of four.

maybe i'll play more later but come on there's been a woman that's gotten you every one of every

man when you get old enough to that point where he's like fuck it you don't care what you're

saying you just hate her so much because of the bullshit she's done like she's a twat she got him

all worked up and that's what we missed before is the problem right so it just sounds like he's

being an asshole i guarantee you she's laid in on thick and then she just backed off and let him

boil over and this is what you're hearing oh man all right i'm gonna play another one i'll play

He's pissed off.

And she must be all hooked.

I don't even know what she looks like.

Is she good looking or what?

I guess.

I'll give some as a banger.

This is rant number two.

It's eight minutes.

I won't play the whole thing.

We'll play a little bit of it.

It should be soundboard.

Yes.

You're talking shit.

I didn't do anything to you.

You are ruining my life.

Well, you know what?

It's a...

What did you just say?

Listen to me.

You don't love me.

Why?

Because somebody who loves does not behave this way.

I do not...

I'm sorry.

Sorry, not the laugh.

One second.

One second, please.

Can I be seen?

No.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Maybe more later.

Maybe I can play that doing a prank.

I don't know.

Stuff like that.

Yeah, dude.

That would be funny.

Yeah, switch that part on there, right in the middle where he's screaming, right in

the middle of a prank, and people are like, what?

And then stop, and then see what the reaction is, and then start it back up again, like

Paco.

That's awesome.

Let's do a call.

Yeah, let's test it out.

Let's see how Mel handles a call.

i know right okay yeah so you could call in like on something to be a customer and then switch mail

on being pissed and ranting yeah yeah yeah all right let's call starbucks and just say

we got a guy here pissed off all right he wants he wants to give you some feedback on on a drink

he just had we'll call ikea no it's a toll-free number fuck it sorry starbucks starbucks starbucks

keep going to town on it

he's pissed

at some point there's talk that he hit her

he hit her with the baby

that's what's getting me

you can hear her trying not to laugh

she knows she's got him mad

she's laughing because she's recording

she's an evil bitch

she definitely manipulated him good

I gotta give her that

Starbucks Harbor Point this is Kelly

yeah hey listen

my friend Milkman was just there

He's really upset.

Mm-hmm.

What happened?

Well, I guess you guys messed up his order again.

What was his order?

Uh, I think he had some lattes, you know?

Tell me what it was and I can make it over.

Is your friend there with you?

Can you hear him?

No, I can't.

You're so...

Oh, you can't hear him?

Oh, shit.

I know, yeah, you can't hear him, that's true.

You wouldn't be able to hear him.

Fucking bitch, you know?

Well, this ain't gonna work.

How many drinks were made wrong?

Did he come through drive-thru?

Uh, I think he was...

yeah he was a drive-thru yeah and he says that it happens a lot it happens a lot he said you

guys should have him on record his name is mel i don't um he also goes by a milkman sometimes

green tea latte was it a green tea latte he says he called before and you hung up i didn't do

anything to you you are ruining well you know what it's like what am i what did you okay well

you could call me back when you exactly tell me what's wrong okay he's talking to you no i hear

There's someone cussing and yelling right now.

I really can't hear.

He's really upset about it, I guess.

Hang on, Mel, Mel, Mel.

You don't love me because somebody who loves does not behave this way.

I do not.

Hang on a second.

One second.

One second, please.

He's fighting with his wife right now.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm selfish.

He stayed in there for a long time.

My gosh, Mel's good.

Well, we can't do a show just out of us, you know.

Dude, she held on for at least like three minutes, dude.

Fucking Mel, man.

He's fucking good.

I like how you narrate it, too.

Now he's fighting with his wife.

Yeah, now he's fighting with his wife.

That was so cool.

The problem is with her on there, it doesn't...

Yeah, but that was cool how you shifted it, right?

So you narrate it so she's like...

Lady's still listening.

Now he's fighting with his wife.

Mel wasn't happy.

Milkman Mel.

Milkman Mel, right?

Here's a different...

Start playing it when they pick up.

It was funny at first because he had enough energy to drive.

Are we going to help you?

Yeah, listen, my friend's real upset.

I guess you guys messed up his orders for, like, the third time in a row.

Okay, what was it?

Hang on, let me...

He knows.

I don't know.

Mel.

Mel?

Mel.

I guess you guys hung up on him already.

Anything to you?

You are ruining my life.

He's really upset right now.

You are ruining my life.

Well, you know what?

It's all...

What did he say?

Do you think you're going to help out with the...

Hello?

I'm not sure what I...

Sorry, that was...

What can I do there?

Can I...

I mean, he's fighting with you guys.

He's upset about you guys, and then his wife is upset.

I had to walk in the other room.

His wife's upset because he's acting up, you know, again.

Of course, yeah.

No, I mean, that sounds...

No, she's trying to put...

Mel, he's a little more calm.

He's asking me to forgive him.

Listen to me.

You don't love me because somebody who loves does not behave this way.

I do not...

Hang on a second.

One second.

One second, please.

Can I please...

No, no.

I'm sorry.

I didn't do anything.

I did not do anything.

this is your selfish imagination that's all and maybe can i bring him down there to be honest i

i almost like no no no that's not sure yeah i'm sure i can't hear him at all almost as if they're

on the phone they go away instantly oh because i'm going to the other room right but i mean i

is there any every two hours i fell asleep because i was waiting for you because you

weren't ready to go to jacuzzi as we agreed what yeah the best shit ever right yeah uh

That's old.

How are you doing over there?

How's the action?

What is this, man?

Oh, this is Cross.

Cross.

I do a prank call radio show.

For sure.

I don't have a lot of ideas tonight, so I'm just like...

No, let me tell you this.

That was a decent...

It was pretty good.

I'm just having a bad night, you know.

You lost it.

I recognize the smile and blow me line.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's like the best line of the whole rant.

For sure.

No, until then, it was pretty good.

It was pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

It gave me a bit of a scare at first.

I'll admit it.

Alright man, well thank you

You want our website?

No, probably not man, that's alright

I'll suck your dick

Gloryholefoundation.com

Totally

It's the Gloryhole Foundation show

This is a joke

We started out as a World of Warcraft guild

A long time ago and we kept the name

Okay, for sure

It almost reminded me of that

Because I used to watch videos of people who would go into

The vent chats of other guilds

And play soundboards like that

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was good stuff, man.

It's a long time.

You can, you know, smile about that at least.

Oh, and blow you.

Yeah, all right, honey.

Yeah, hey, there you go.

Hey, all right, have a good night.

All right, man, good luck with your next target, I guess, huh?

Yeah, all right, bye.

All right, dude.

Nice guy, nice guy.

Nice guy.

So what I want to do, I want to start it from the point where he says,

but my daughter's important, because from there it sounds like he's just pissed off and going to come down.

Did you see the soundboard I sent you the link to, man?

There's a soundboard for this?

Did you hear me?

I was playing the soundboard.

That was me playing the soundboard.

Well, I muted you because I was trying to talk.

I don't know.

Where did you...

You bitch, oh.

That's some funny stuff, man.

No, because it was loud.

It was loud, Milkman.

No, you know soundboard.

Well, it's supposed to be.

You were supposed to be laughing.

Bitch, God.

I soundboard.

You don't soundboard.

I soundboard.

Yeah, but I did because you didn't fucking pay attention as usual.

Your job is not soundboard.

Your job is color commentary and expert advice.

advice and also the music and all the other stuff i'm supposed to pretend like i do and i actually

did it this time all right i'm loading the i'm trying to find the soundboard now i'm loading it

now i look in there i already gave you the link to it it's fucking gold man it's loading it's

all right let me let me while we wait wait for that to set up here let me try to find where

mel says but my daughter's important that's where i want to start out perfect all right here we go

yes all right now i want to hear rage against the machine fuck it now i got some gas all right

here's another starbucks i need medication fuck you i need medication all right here we go hang

up come on come on not now come on man no no not you i'll mute you knows when i do the calls now

all right let me test mine you're muted enough man told you i warned you my cell phone's working

this is fucking hilarious dude i feel like nunu now dude nunu hasn't done any soundboard

All he did was send in recordings.

I still have yet verified ever that's new.

I even offered to pay this clown money to come on the air.

He says he's coming for the anniversary show, so we'll see.

He claims I'm a soundboard, but yet we still don't hear him.

Exactly.

I've known this idiot for like 13 years, and he's still playing games.

all of us yeah don't be playing games games you know what happens if you play games with me

starbucks northern 80 this is ryan how can i help you yeah look um how do i say this my boss

mel i'm his assistant he i guess he came through and got a wrong order again he's coming he's come

through a few times he has said the wrong order he's really upset he broke a keyboard over here

already okay i don't know if there's anything you can do to can i put him on i guess mel

I didn't do anything.

I did not do anything.

This is your self.

Why are you laughing?

It's not funny.

He doesn't fall.

He's not falling for it, Milkman.

All right, let's end this shtick.

All right, let me look at this.

The name Milk triggers it in their memory now, a little bit later.

Christ, you can't go.

You get it now.

Breathing is the best.

I'm going to keep playing that.

Holy shit.

oh man it's like he's breathing into a bag right i just imagine i think like hyperventilating dude

oh like dude you gotta calm down he's gonna give himself a heart attack one day

oh fuck seriously man he's gonna have a heart attack literally that's what it sounds like

hear how loud he's screaming in the phone dude like he probably like blew a vocal cord after

that yeah my dad would do that after he had he does that he would do that to my mom after he

had his heart attack i'm almost like you're gonna die like he just got over a major heart

heart attack and you're sitting there yelling like that you're gonna fucking kill yourself i don't

scream like that since i was like a kid man dude you do that shit when you're in high school and

you fucking find out man no fucking body wants your ass after that and you quit that shit but

here fuck this poor dude's like he's dealing well this what what she's like 20 30 years younger than

him right i think it's got to be more than that her she's probably more in there right so he's

He's like an old man dealing with this childhood shit because she's that young.

So that's why he's acting like that.

That's what makes it so fucking funny.

But really, he's dealing with a real young girl, right?

Because she's not that old.

In her 20s.

All right, so we got a long...

I like it.

He's in the loop with that.

Yeah.

All right, so the numbers I got from Dwight here are not very descriptive.

They just have, like, a few words.

This one says Long Beach shoot location.

Yeah.

No.

That doesn't help me.

Still having trouble with the dial

Some numbers work

Mailbox of

Two

One

Uh

Hurt and an ex-imident

This is you Milkman

I think this is your number

Here

My

balls are in a knot.

What the fuck?

Balls are in a knot.

Did Mel say that, or is that in the song?

Over backwards, my balls are in a knot, he said.

Bitch on heat.

That number didn't go.

Tell me what your eggs cooked on heat.

Cooked on heat.

Here's someone looking for a large, thick smoker.

Yeah, cool.

You could do some wild stuff with this thing.

All right, here's Gil.

Gil, I never really know how to pronounce that name, G-I-L.

I guess it's up to the person with the name.

Jillian.

It's Jillian, G-I-L.

So we got a wedding photographer.

That's all it says.

I got to get ready to pee.

We are at the mark of the time slot here, Milkman.

You got to go to work.

Dude, we didn't even get the whole two hours.

Are we going to extend it a little here or no?

It's up to you.

I mean, it's up to you.

Well, if you extend it a little bit,

bit i'll hang in there you said you had to work so i don't know all right i don't know it's up to

you if you want to keep going with me yeah we'll do that yeah if you'll extend a few more minutes

i will i'm actually having a little fun finally man all right all right somebody heard me playing

sound effects could you hear it i could yeah they're just really in the background they're

a little too loud and stuff but they're there oh i'm muted shit i thought it was muted just can't

really tell the sound effects are pretty good man yeah what i was noticing is you can click

one and click another one and it'll keep the other one playing so you could like click the

the breathing like a whole bunch of them at once and you get like this crazy breathing sound out

of it okay hey you were doing like three four or five times in a row and it was sounding pretty

cool yeah that's what i was doing yeah so you heard that then oh okay i didn't think you heard

i thought it was me no i heard it i heard it's cool i heard it all right let's uh get back to

this show here. We'll get more numbers

from Dwight. See if something will pick up.

Oh my god. Simple things please

me. See, it's just a simple stupid shit

like this that's so rewarding.

Pleased you, huh? Is that where you're going with?

Yeah, just a little simple dumb shit.

Takes a little bit to make me

happy. Happy. Here's

a wedding photographer.

Wedding photographer.

Hello. Hi. Hello.

Yeah, this is a wedding photographer?

Yes, this is Lola. Okay.

What's your name, Lola? Yeah, Lola.

No lie, yeah.

No lie, okay.

And how much experiences do you have?

I have a couple years.

Are you interested in weddings?

Yeah, have you done a satanic wedding before?

Satanic wedding?

Mm-hmm.

Is it a Jewish wedding?

No, Satan.

Satan?

No, I have not.

What is it?

It's like a black wedding.

The bride wears a black dress.

All the decorations are black.

Oh, I haven't.

I haven't.

Yeah, and there's a sacrifice at the altar that we'd want you to get.

In the satanic wedding, before the groom and bride are proclaimed man and wife,

they kill a pig.

They slaughter a pig, and the blood goes everywhere.

I mean, are you okay taking pictures of the pig being killed?

That's fine. That's not a problem.

Okay, that's fine.

I've not been to that kind of wedding before.

Yeah, the pig gets – they put swords into the pig, and the blood comes spewing out, and it gets all over the bride and groom, and they have blood spraying everywhere.

Yeah, and then the groom will start having sex with the bride there in front of everybody, and then everyone's standing going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like that.

They'd make like a W sign with their hands.

They'd make a W, like the Wu-Tang W, and they'd do that.

And then when the man ejaculates, then that's when their man and wife, that's when it takes over, you know.

So if you don't have a problem taking pictures of the blood and sex and everything.

Okay.

Well, that's interesting.

Why don't I look it up?

Have you ever done any sex pictures before?

I have not.

I've taken nude photos.

I have not done sex photos, yeah.

Okay, all right.

Do you have a wife?

No, I don't reject it.

Yes, I do.

Oh, you can bring her, too.

You know, you can fuck her.

Everyone does fucking.

um at the reception everyone does the fucking you know like together everyone gets naked and

they're fucking in the chairs and the floor and the couch and everything they bring couches into

the reception hall and we're all fucking like like that and then they play they play rock music

backwards okay yeah all right so uh what when is the date uh this is gonna be for july 16th

If it's on a Thursday, that's our holy day.

July 16th.

Yeah.

This year, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think?

You want to come down with your little, you want to come with your little Asian penis?

No, no, no.

I don't want to, I'm not going to get involved with any of that.

I just want to take photos.

Okay.

All right.

But you're, you're not, you have no problem with them having sex with pig blood on them

and all that stuff?

I'll look it up and see how, how, how, how, how far that would go and, and yeah.

Yeah.

Are you Chinese or Japanese?

I'm Chinese.

Oh, okay.

Mushy mushy.

Oh, no, no.

How do you say shisha shishishu?

Like that?

Shisha shishishu.

Yeah.

Shisha shishishu to you.

Okay, that's okay, yeah.

Shisha shishishu.

So, um, so, hello, is there a...

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

So, um, regarding the price, are you not, uh, do you know what kind of price you are interested?

how many hours of coverage uh like three three yeah three okay so total three hours oh yeah

okay that sounds good how much is it per hour um so for three hours we have to charge you at

least seven hundred dollars a hundred dollars for an hour 700 in total okay and i guess do you use

like chinese cameras or japanese cameras i use canon 5d mark 3 that's from china uh i don't

think that's a chinese brand that's a japanese brand yeah but you probably buy it from like

chinese store chinese uh copy copy like a chinese copy uh i don't think it's ever made in china

but i mean didn't you probably bought it in china and you brought it with you when you moved to

america i bought it in amazon i bought it in amazon yeah on the amazon but what's the

difference it's the same it's the same you were in brazil it's i mean i mean it's the same okay

But then you came to America on a boat, right?

You came on a boat.

Okay, at this point, I don't know what you're talking about.

Did you come on a boat from China to America and you saw the Statue of Liberty?

You're like, oh, wow, freedom.

And then they processed you in Ellis Island and they gave you an American name?

Okay, what are you talking about?

Is that how you came to be a wedding photographer in the United States?

Sorry, I'm not interested in, yeah, sorry.

Come on, man. There's going to be sex and stuff.

And roast pork.

We lost Milkman.

I'm trying to call him back.

I really got to go pee-pee.

Internet connection problem.

I don't want to just drop him off, but I got to take the break, man.

I'll pick him up after the break if he wants.

I'll hold off on guests.

All right, so guys, hopefully we have a little bit of a better time with the numbers.

A, going through. B, picking up.

I'm Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio.

I've been here with Milkman today.

I'm going to be taking a break.

It's going to be about six, seven minutes, perhaps.

I'm going to urinate.

I'm going to eat some leftover pasta that's over there that I got made today.

With a nice butternut squash pasta sauce.

Oh, it's so good, man.

It almost feels cheesy, but it's not.

Hard to explain.

You've got to try it.

When we come back, we'll have more prank calls, hopefully.

We'll have some guests later on in the show.

We'll probably be going out for another two, two and a half hours after that.

Don't forget we're in tiny chat.

tinychat.com

slash prankcallnation

and you can always subscribe to the podcast

at madhouselive.com

and the main prankcallnation

machine is at prankcallnation.com

Alright, I'll be right back

in a few. Thank you.

The largest prankcall

station in the nation.

Prankcallnation.

Prankcall's radio will be back

right after this.

I hope that when you die,

put your GPS in your box,

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I didn't do anything.

I did not do anything.

This is your selfish imagination.

That's all.

I was wondering, I was wondering, I was wondering, I was wondering, I was wondering, I was wondering, I was wondering.

back everybody a little back on the mic here at madhouse radio i'm joined by milkman once again

he made it he made it back everybody yeah how you doing old man milkman you hear me yeah i can hear

you you hear me all right dude i don't know what the fuck happened didn't you hear me you lost your

connection i had to take a break i came back fantastic i came back everything i ate some

Some leftovers, I put them away.

Oh, okay.

I fucked my wife.

Yeah.

Damn, Jesus, man.

Now you sound very refreshed.

A little bit of garlicky pasta will do that, man.

Okay, let's take a look and see some newer, fresh call, fresh numbers that came in from

Dwidget.

What do we got here?

Virgil Yalong.

All right.

Looks like he's staying at the Sandcastle Inn.

Let's see if we can call him and harass him and bother him.

Yeah, I need to speak to a guest who's staying there, Machine.

Repeat it again?

I need to speak to a guest who's staying there.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Once again, I didn't hear it clearly because I'm here on the machine.

Sorry about that, okay?

Okay.

Okay, it's Yalong is the last name.

Y-A-L-O-N-G.

Oh, no, we don't have a guest name after Yalong like that.

Are you stupid or something?

Are you stupid?

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Are you a stupid?

What's going on?

What's the problem?

Oh, my God.

Is that your air conditioner?

Sounds like a piece of shit.

All right, Mr. Stupid Man, bye.

I'm going to call him back.

Fuck that guy.

Tell him I asked him a question.

Are you stupid?

I think he is.

Come on, phone call.

Go through, man.

Come on.

No.

Come on.

Here we go.

I'm getting on my case again, this machine.

Testing my cell phone.

The cell phone won't die.

All right.

Here I will log out.

I'm logged back into the machine.

I will try calling my cell phone again.

It's not dialing.

It's not work.

It's always something, man.

I'm shutting down the program, and we'll try restarting it.

Let's see.

What are you talking about?

Are you crazy or something?

What are you talking about?

Stop saying random things.

You're scaring me.

Machines. Nothing random about it. Machines are faces, boxes, full of shiite.

All right, so that worked. Good. All right, let's try, um...

Machines, faces, thin boxes, full of shiite.

Nope.

Callate la boca, pendejo.

Callate.

Well, I gotta do something.

Callate, culo.

Cíjate.

Mira, chito.

Punch you in the fuck stick.

Viene la vaca de la madre que fue.

uh hello madarchod i need to speak to a guest who's staying there

the rose the rose just a second let me see hurry up the rose steve yeah just a second okay pussy

she's nice the whole way nice the whole time i'm sorry the person you're trying to reach is

Stop it!

No pick up there.

Hello?

Whatever, fuck her.

Just because you're here, that doesn't give you the right to be here.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

My name is Rex.

I'm calling with United Airlines customer support.

I see you had a complaint that you lodged about your flight.

Yeah.

What's the problem?

Yeah, unfortunately, I'm boarding the flight to Dulles

because I had no other decision but to try and get towards my destination.

Yeah, well, we're pulling you off that flight because of the words that you use

and your threatening nature of your communication on social media.

Sir, I didn't threaten anyone.

Well, you made a very nasty comment on Twitter, and we're really upset about this,

and you're not going to be able to fly.

They're pulling you off the flight.

Any minute now, they're probably going to ask you to please get out of the plane.

Sir, I didn't threaten anyone.

Well, listen, I mean, what do you think?

It's not our fault that you had to be on the tarmac for three hours, you stupid idiot.

It has to do with the airport itself, the amount of traffic going on.

No, no, no. I fully understand that, sir.

Yeah, so then why do you say we suck? Why do you say that we suck?

I didn't. I was just displeased with what was going on.

So you say, hey, you suck, like that. You come at me like that.

Hey, you suck because something happened bad that wasn't your fault.

It's pretty ignorant of me.

Stupid.

I wasn't saying that you suck, sir.

Well, you're on the list now, so.

Okay.

I deeply apologize for what you received, I would say.

That wasn't what I was attempting to put through.

Are you sorry?

You're sure you're sorry?

I am absolutely sorry, sir.

All right.

And you promise that you're sorry?

Yes, absolutely, sir.

Okay.

All right.

Well, then I won't put you on the list then.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Thank you, sir.

We all have bad days, you know.

Yeah, it's been a long one.

I do appreciate it, sir, and I will learn from this experience.

Okay, all right.

Did you want a hand job or anything like that?

No, sir.

You sure?

I'm good.

Thank you, though.

All right, hey, have a happy flight, motherfucker.

I hope the plane...

Thank you, sir.

Okay, never mind.

Have a good flight.

Before I start saying I hope the plane crashes, let me not say shit like that.

Not a good idea.

Man receives mysterious phone call.

Who was that?

Man receives a mysterious phone call on a flight to Dulles International Airport today.

Hey, I can see something in tiny chat, finally.

Yay.

If you're in tiny chat, you're using up too much of your bandwidth, don't you, man?

I'm just saying.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, you can do whatever you want in there, but I'm just saying that.

I know you're right.

I'm going to stop.

It is lagging bad.

Can't take your call right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you soon as possible.

Come on, man.

This guy's staying in a hotel in Orlando.

Who was that that was apologizing to you?

Who was that?

Oh, he was the Twitter winner for United, and he was on his...

I was going to take him off his flight.

He was boring it.

I'm sorry, I won't do that again.

His flight.

And I said I was going to pull him off.

He's like, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Can't take your call right now, so leave it at that.

Oh, shoot.

He's scared to death now, dude.

He's afraid if he answers, you're going to cut my wings.

Okay, next one.

He's like, please, please, please.

Victoria has a complaint about United because of a lost piece of luggage after connecting in a flight yesterday.

And they still don't have it.

They still don't have it.

Oh, man.

That happened to me once.

I had a connecting flight luggage in a make it.

I had the wedding.

That sucks.

Oh, dude.

Dude, there's a huge business in that, too, man.

They've got people, like, transporting them bags and everything, and then somebody makes all that shit.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Come on, lady.

This is United.

Victoria don't want to play, I guess.

I don't know what's wrong with her phone.

And probably, I'll bet you Vox Talks just quit on us again.

Well, just in case we'll try Frank, who's complaining about DirecTV.

Can't get a signal.

Ghost trains to whip, man.

Thank you for calling, Plevin.

Again?

All right, next one.

He's doing this with no synthesizer, ladies and gentlemen.

Daria.

Hey, Comcast.

Great if you finally canceled HBO and other premium channels.

I never wanted them.

Now, can you please stop charging me?

All right, she's complaining.

that she's still being charged for premium channels well guess what she's been watching

she watched game of thrones i say she's been pirating hi this is daria spragman

hi this is diarrhea my head and a bowl of diarrhea

big bad man he's so fucking hilarious numbers again going back to the map bad male

hello hello can i help you yeah i need uh speak to who what what am i doing

just for that i mean we gotta like keep the ring time included in that call

oh yeah you got thank you for calling for that shit for information on deliveries press one

One, two, three, four.

It looks like, hey, the down box is working like a dream.

Maybe they only make it work after 10 o'clock for me.

I mean, that's what it is.

Oh, Carlito's on.

Get it working.

10 o'clock Sunday is Carlito time.

The hell?

Because it's taking the numbers any way I put them in, like it usually does.

Thank you for calling.

Let's have a director call.

Yes, hello.

I'd like to speak at Tool.

Tool?

Yeah, hold on.

Tool!

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, this is Michael in Tools.

So, I need to look something up, please, see if you have it there, the machine.

Hello?

Um, yeah, what do you need to look up?

The machine, the machine tool.

Do you have a part number?

Yeah, it's a who, who, who, who.

Are you trying to say numbers?

Okay, what's the number?

Who, who, who, who.

stupid ass show

it's because I run out of ideas

because I've invented every prank call

and then every prank call you can do

full of box shit, that's why

gene spaces should not be full of box shit

box is full of shit

they're machine spaces, that's the problem

holy shit, there's no waffle houses in this town

oh my god

if you depend on a machine space

dude, just remember

member. It's a machine box full of

shit. You sound angry.

You sound angry, Milkman.

No, no, no. Machine boxes are full of shit.

And that's...

Nunu says that he is a

perc. Check your PM.

Nunu admits that he's a perc in the chat room

and that you should check your PM.

Anybody's an idiot. That's his nice way of saying

I'm an idiot. PM.

He has a number from Muhammad and wants me to call

Greeks also.

Good.

calling Waffle House.

Hello?

Hi, thank you for calling Waffle House.

How can I help you?

Yeah, let's make an order.

Sure, what would you like?

All right, I need one eggs.

Just a single egg?

Yeah, well, you know, the order of eggs, like two eggs.

Sure, would you like it scrambled, over light, medium?

How would you like your eggs?

I like them cooked.

I'm sorry?

Cooked, cooked with heat.

Okay, so is that scrambled or well done?

Cooked.

Okay, so you would like your eggs cooked.

So how would you like that?

Well done or scrambled?

Well, the heat, heat, use heat and cook it with heat, hot, make it hot.

All righty, so that will be well done.

Would you like, what kind of toast, green and wheat or white?

I'd like who, who.

I'm sorry?

Who.

Sir, are you being serious?

Yeah, two eggs cooked with heat, well done.

The bread I want is who.

I'm sorry, what kind of bread would you like?

Who, who.

Okay, sir, bear with me for just one moment.

Okay, hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm making an order.

Did you order?

order you need me to give you the order again yeah all right uh one eggs uh two eggs rather

cooked uh with heat overheat and the bread i want is uh

that is that's the bread i want one

who who no who who who can i get a pork chop sandwich sandwich sir yeah i want it on lettuce

A sandwich or a salad?

A lettuce sandwich.

No, it's not.

You're not going to make a salad.

Look, you're really stupid.

You're really pissing me off.

I'd like to give you a corporate number to call.

No, they're closed today.

Hmm?

They're closed today.

Corporate has 24-hour complaints and concerns.

Oh, yeah?

What was your name?

My name isn't really important right now.

It is because I need to know because that's what the complaint's got to be about.

You're offering.

Would you like my name or the number first?

Name and then number.

My name is Dustin.

Oh, you're a boy?

Boy? You're a boy?

Yes, I am.

Oh, how old are you?

I'm 19.

I don't see how that is relevant to the conversation.

That explains it.

Yeah, that explains it.

Isn't masturbating cool?

Yeah.

Do you want to actually place an order?

Do you want the hotline number?

You're a little feminine, though.

That's cool.

Are you a top or a bottom?

Sir, you have reached the point where I'm no longer offering the services of our establishment to you.

Have a nice day.

I'll suck your dick.

Bye.

Bye, milkman.

Bye.

I'll suck your dick.

That's what she said.

That was a nice consolation offer there, honey.

Honey baby, honey baby.

What am I doing, Milkman?

What is this show?

What is with this?

Dude, I don't know.

It's fucking great, though, man.

Oh, it's not?

I love it.

I want a sandwich.

I'm not having fun with this show.

My ideas suck.

The calls suck.

The line sucks.

The problem is the tech difficulty, dude.

but we're still making light of it even though we're having tech difficulties god damn it milk

man but sometimes milkman god damn via kong you know what i know baby i'm trying to keep your mind

off of it let's try to keep this thing rolling we are getting some progress let's get some

beer is your beer is your only god my name is dustin don't call me a girl

I'm trying to get some

Hell

Some type of rice sandwich

Milkman just because you rub

Dicks together with a guy doesn't make you gay

Hello

I'd like to make an order

One frottage

Frottage

I don't think we have those

That's when two guys put their dicks together and rub them until they come

You don't have that

Yay for stupid call

What the fuck is this shit

Oh, my gosh, dude.

What are you talking about?

Are you, like, bringing up gay stuff?

Yeah, gay stuff.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with a little fraudage?

Like, you didn't do it when you were a kid.

I'm really shocked.

I'm not aware that you're knowledgeable of this.

Tell me more, I guess, then.

I'm fascinated, okay?

When you were exploring your body when you were a kid, you did it with your friend.

You're like, hey, let's put our dicks together and rub them.

You see?

Your nervous laugh tells me it's true.

You're going to have to come out and do a special San Francisco show.

You're going to have to do a special, special Rainbow Edition San Francisco show.

Man, this town has a lot of waffle highs.

Mrs. Morgan's in the chat room saying she wants to teach you something.

I'll help you.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Who's this?

Oh, this is Cross.

How you doing, big boy?

All right.

Yeah, how's your mama doing?

My mama?

Yeah.

Who are you trying to reach?

I'm trying to make an order.

Oh, are you?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

You smoking?

Did you take a smoke break?

Nope, not yet.

Oh, you should, man.

Fuck it.

Sunday.

Fuck all, right?

I know we're busy, though.

That's good, though, man.

Good, good.

You get tips?

You get tips, boy?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, man.

Fucking tips.

Yeah.

You want to place an order, you said?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll place an order.

All right, go ahead.

All right, I like two eggs cooked with heat.

Okay.

How do you want them cooked?

You want them over medium, over easy, what?

Over heat.

Isn't that what it's called?

Oh, come on, man.

I know his mama and everything, right?

Damn, Milkman.

Dude, we was doing good, too, man.

We was doing good.

He was sounding very promising.

He was like, yeah, this little fucker's funny.

All right, come on now.

Now, he kind of sounds like Ted Webb tries to sound like whenever he's on a Bubba call.

Bubba, yeah.

So, same boy, but he was what?

You could tell.

You like them eggs over easy?

I think he's Redbone.

Redbone, as I call him.

You know Redbone?

Good evening, Garner Robiles.

Hey, Redbone.

Can I place that order, please?

what happened i don't know the phone went dead i know well i heard us i heard a click and a slam

oh no there was no slam i heard it but okay you got the order where are we at nope all i got was

the eggs but you never told me how you want them cooked overheat i understand that but how do you

want to cook well overheat you know isn't that what it's called overheat i understand that yeah

how do you want to cook can you cook them over over what it's over all right this is getting

dumb no i just cook them over whatever you have what is it easy over easy well i don't know what

over easy it's up to you over easy over medium over well with the yellow thing in the middle

okay i know what an egg is okay yeah but not scrambled all right you want them over medium

we'll try it yeah if you is that the like how do you like them like that yeah all right over

medium then all right okay i need some hash browns okay all right i need them doubled

Cold, covered, covered, smothered, chopped, diced, ovened, heated, attacked, slidden,

sauced, peppered, salted, seasoned, combined, divided, conquered.

All right, this is getting old, dude.

Come on, man.

Just help me out.

Just get upset and yell and say curse words to me.

Can you do that?

Like, say, motherfucker, don't call here again, motherfucker, like that.

Oh, this is just getting old.

Can you just get mad and say, like, motherfucker, don't call here.

It was one fucking number again.

Nope, I got kids in the house.

Well, can you, like, say MF for you like that?

Nope.

Oh, come on.

Can you tell me just not to call back ever again?

All right, have a good night.

Say never call back again.

Never call back again.

Now I'm trying to coach my prank victims to get mad.

That guy was cool, man.

He sound just like Ted Webb, man.

Nope.

I got a plunger, and I know what a egg is.

It's got a yellow spot in the middle, I know, I know what an egg is.

The two ways my mom would ask me in the morning how I scrambled, or with the yellow thing in the middle.

Hello?

Sir, can I help you?

Hey, I'd like to, um, make an order.

Yeah, I'm gonna come pick it up. Yeah, honey, baby.

Excuse me?

Yeah, honey, baby, I'll come pick it up.

Uh.

Okay, um, let's see, do you have pastito? Pasti- is it called pasti- huh?

Pastito, yeah, sir.

Yeah, I'll have that.

Alright, I don't want any fucking shit, alright?

Talk? Why?

I had them. I was going to say Malacca.

I'm just not doing any good at this.

My brain!

Oh, he sticks on you.

The Warriors won, man.

They're 3-2. They're one game away from...

Hey, this is my day off. This is my job.

Enough to show. That's my job.

You need money, though, Milkman.

That's right. I don't get paid for this shit.

You know, Milkman, when I was in college

the first time,

I would be playing Goldeneye

on N64, 4-player.

for me to go to afternoon class and i'll just let the time go have fun and i'll be like oh i'll just

oh oh oh i'll be a little bit late and then oh i'll catch the second half of class i'll forget

i won't go to class i'll go next week and you can't catch up with that when it's a math class

or something like that you miss stuff well they really are not happy with

but i'm just saying milk band don't mess yourself up in the wallet just to be

you know on the show here with me uh that's the last thing i want is for you to have any trouble

you know you know i love you buddy can i have some guests on now it's uh let's stay on an extra 50

minutes yeah milkman milkman here's the sexual princess of prank call nation neon she's a big

fan of ayn rand lifelong libertarian we're also inviting dwight mcclanahan host of the dwight

at McClanahan Prank Call Hour.

There's two shows a week

here on this network.

He's been providing me

with some of the numbers

we've been calling tonight.

That sucked!

Being that we're having

technical difficulties

with the phone line,

I will also add Dashie

who might be able to help us out

with this callerific program.

Let's also invite Big Llama,

Llama Liquor.

He's one of our newest hosts

doing a show now on the air.

Oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph.

What's up, man?

Hey, what's up?

What's the picture

you have in your profile?

It's Meryl Streep, man.

Oh, I thought it was Ayn Rand.

I don't know who that is.

I don't know.

Like, Republicans all the time are talking about Ayn Rand.

Ayn Rand, Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged.

And I'm like, what does that have to do with conservatism?

Milkman, do you know at all?

Do you know what Ayn Rand is?

The book, Atlas Shrugged?

Anything?

Milkman, do you know anything?

Do you know books, Milkman?

I used to read books when I was very young.

Milkman just uses his books for rolling papers now, apparently.

I was going to say, what's going on over there, man?

God damn.

did we wake you up sorry he just had a nappy nap oh y'all no fun oh man it's good to be here man

oh yeah it's good to have you here i tell you i'm so excited

is dwight you're here dwight no not yet llama's still connecting dash is connected but he doesn't

talk he's a horse horses don't talk silly um neil can you help me out can you do a call

yeah can you do a waffle house or do you have like i don't care man i put some numbers in there too

i have a bunch of numbers that i call that i didn't get to i just just in case whatever with

my show no no no numbers i don't need your no i'm kidding hey hey i might have to end up using

colorific tonight i don't know oh i'm so bummed out about that yeah i could be doing so much

gti hood rat shit right now just go with it man gordo says he wanted to let us know that he did

did consider the offer to do a show

and had accepted it originally.

But upon further notice...

No, Ben!

Oh, my God, Ben.

Look, I couldn't take the news.

He doesn't think it'll work out with his job

and timing and work and all that stuff.

Aww.

Although he will be happy to co-host on shows with us

and all that stuff.

He won't be able to bring a show for now,

maybe in the future.

Aww, that's awesome that you offered him.

Of course.

Of course, to Papa Gordo.

He takes care of the newbies coming in, you know?

He does, and I wanted to give him a chance

like do that on the air i thought it'd be kind of cool yeah um but maybe later on he knows that

there's an open invitation that's awesome yeah i can yeah yeah what you're doing man that's awesome

yeah yeah yeah yeah just a moment typing a phone number okay that last call was freaking awesome

i'm just disappointed with the night nothing's getting my spirits up at all i can't no i can't

remember what you said to them it was awesome you were talking to that guy like wait oh overheat and

overheat now no i could do that i want to say just over how do you want that's the first time

i've heard it like that yeah i never did over referred so now i'm gonna start saying how do

i want them over over what overheat yeah but like that's seriously like i've i've heard you you know

say that one a couple times before but it's like that's the tonight's the first time i've ever

heard it like can you overheat them like i don't know why put them over heat no just like can you

is it is it possible to overheat the eggs oh yeah you know i don't get it sub kensters

it's not there the annapolis i'm looking for towns that might have waffle houses can't find

them ken died oh no they'll come back maybe it's on mute boom hey milk uh hey uh ken i'm sorry

braun oh my god it's still a game laugh braun it could be in game seven waffle house can i help

Hi. What Waffle House is this? My name is Mina.

21st and Post.

Do you guys know if you have a location on 34th Street?

I don't have it. No, we don't have one on 34th Street. We've got one on 38th Street.

Oh, it's 38th Street. Okay.

Well, we're thinking about moving it to 34th Street, and we were wondering if that's going to be too close to your establishment.

What?

Yeah. We're trying to do this whole Christmas in every season Waffle House.

What?

What is she mad about?

What the hell?

I don't know.

I didn't even know where I was going with that.

I'm trying to...

It's Christmas on 34th Street.

Like Miracle on 34th Street?

Yeah.

I was just trying to...

Okay.

The Waffle Miracle of 34th Street or something.

Yeah, we're going to move it and we're going to do the Christmas in July sale.

That's what I was trying to get at.

Christmas in July.

Straight up.

Nice.

Icy says we broke her brain.

She's just slamming the phone.

Like, are you serious?

He's one of those ladies

who just loves the work guy.

She's telling everyone.

They're moving the fucking

walkie-talkies over here.

Somebody think of the children.

I live off the tips.

Off the tips.

Same place, same place.

Somebody else want it?

Dwight wants it.

They won't pick up.

They never pick up

when Dwight calls.

Ask if he could rub it.

That was so garlicky.

That was pure garlicky

that just came out.

Garlic bomb.

I smell Chloe the cat's breath today.

It smells rad.

It smells like tuna.

My cat farted

while I was holding it.

Oh, isn't that the worst?

Davi does that sometimes.

Oh, it's like he was so comfortable.

I'm like, oh, dude, I've got to put you down, man.

This is fucking stupid.

Look at this, Carlito.

I look at Facebook here, and it has trending.

I see Lamar Odom, and I'm scanning, and I see dies at 37.

Then it says, NBA player friend who was featured on Chloe and Lamar dies at 37.

Like, that's fucking news.

Like, I need to know that Lamar's buddy died.

Which one?

I don't fucking know.

I never watched it.

because there was like his it was like his man not i don't know if it was a manager but like

this guy that was kind of sponging off of him and it was like a point of like like contention

between um like chloe and lamar because it was like this guy was coming over he was just been

like hey lamar what's up do you have your your box so you know so i can have a ticket i got

these cheeseburgers baby yeah he was really shifty i think he was into drugs is lamar the

one that ended up having the problems right yeah well yeah he had problems though before because

Because, like, I remember when he first got on the Clippers, I was like, man, this guy's, like, kind of too good to be true.

And then they, like, I don't know how they ended up testing him for pot.

Or he got picked up with pot or something like that.

He ended up in the D-League for a while or something.

Yeah, he did.

Well, I think he's just, like, he has issues.

Like, his dad, like, if you've ever seen any of the Kardashians or the, you know, the programs or whatever, his dad was, like, a fucking crack addict forever.

Like, just was not in his life.

And now he's also somebody who sponges off of him, too.

so i think there's just a whole gene of addiction there it sucks that the family's trying to break

them down i had those problems in my family not washington state i had those problems with my

father that's why i haven't talked to him in a long time and all the house of cards came crashing

down after my mom died i knew it was gonna happen leading i used to tell my wife's like dude when

when my mom dies the shit's gonna go flying off the rails with my dad it's exactly what

yeah it's almost like you don't realize that it's kind of like codependency i don't know

know about your your parents or anything but it's just you know you kind of realize like how they've

kind of taken care of each other for so long and you just you know well my don't realize until one

of them's gone yeah well that's what my dad was definitely like that my dad couldn't function

without my mom reminding him to do everything and pay this and pay that on time and oh my

jesus and then he was cheating on my mom too oh a woman who could almost be my age oh boy almost

younger than me actually anyway that's enough of that talk uh dwight how you doing over there

I'm feeling pretty good

I'm actually feeling pretty fucking tired right now

Me too, all day

I woke up at noon

Stayed up for two hours like fuck this

I just kept having an angry nap

You were fighting it

Yeah, I woke up an hour before the show

And I'm still dragging ass

The show is sucking

Yeah, it's one of those days

It's one of those days I think

Maybe for all of us

Maybe we're all in our collective periods

I'm doing great

You're a woman

Alright, we'll try another Waffle House

house how about that guys any new numbers do i know i had to get some more i just got back from

the store i'm so over this shit with fucking lock socks right now i can scream can you can

you not use skype just straight out or no i can't do it it's not an option anymore

they'll block me the second i create an account or i figured but i wasn't sure that i just asked

i could use someone can let me use their account and it will become blocked within minutes

Wow.

There must be some kind of list with Skype.

Because, like, not even Dwight and fucking Brenner.

Hello?

Waffle House, Winston-Pyte.

Uh, yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Okay, what can I get you?

Uh, like, two eggs.

How would you like your eggs?

Cooked.

How would you like them cooked?

Uh, uh, over.

Overheat.

Overeasy?

Overheat.

Heat, heat.

Heat, like hot.

Overheat.

I don't know how you call it.

It's overheat.

I mean, that's your job, not mine.

I didn't go to egg school, you know cooking school. You're the ones that do

I'll put my wife

The heat over the yoke the heat over the yoke what yeah

Kind of like a blanket of heat with some egg mixture there

you want to order up or order down damn i didn't go to egg school i didn't go to egg school yeah

i don't think she went to any school okay come on yeah i don't know that was awesome

man that's what i'm saying i don't know like you think maybe it's like some kind of regional thing

like yeah in pennsylvania the pennsylvania don't you call it overheat just dumb shit like that all

the time yeah like eggs lightly tapped you're like okay like what does that mean like over

where tabachi lives in that part of the state they call um they call uh green peppers bell

peppers are called mangoes oh that's weird i know right that's really weird yeah it is

like you can go to the grocery store and it says mangoes so that's not a mango that's a that's

about as cultured as they're gonna get like i guess look at them mangoes oh we already got

avocados we got the mangoes or maybe that was like the first shipment that was there and it

it said mangoes and they're really bell peppers and it's from there it's just bread it just kept

going yeah yeah there's a bunch of weird shit like that okay um hey another thing here they

call atm machines mac machines dude why the saying here instead of i'm gonna go to the atm it's i'm

gonna go tap a mac and my wife said that to me when we lived in florida she's like what i gotta

go tap a mac i'm like what the fuck are you talking about tap a mac i've never heard that

she's like tap a mac you know like i ain't gonna what are you talking about like you know the money

machine like you mean an atm it's like yeah mac she's like yeah the mac like okay well what does

it stand for money access center that's not right i guess when atms first came out in this part of

the country or in this state i guess that one of the big banks in pennsylvania that first rolled

out atms they called them they were calling them max instead mac instead of atm and everyone's like

So, like, a lot of people around here are like, yeah, the Mac, the Mac machine, the Mac machine.

I'm like, you're so stupid.

Wow.

So, Bachi said that they also say ketchup instead of ketchup?

Yes.

I've talked about that on the air before, and that kills me every time they do it.

Like, ketchup, ketchup.

They say it like that?

Like, ketchup?

Ketchup.

Like, I'm going to catch up to you.

Yeah, ketchup.

Yeah.

That's what they say.

Wow.

I think they say ketchup.

A hamburger with barbecue sauce, right?

What would you call that?

A Western burger, you know, cowboy burger, something like that, right?

It's called Hamburger Barbecue here.

Hamburger Barbecue?

Wow.

No, Hamburger Barbecue.

Oh, Hamburger.

Yes, that is what it's called.

I'm also looking at Tabachi's oatmeal is called Oak Meal.

Is it?

No, is it really?

I didn't know that one.

Well, that's scary.

Hamburger Barbecue.

It just sounds, Hamburger Barbecue.

Hamburger Barbecue.

Why don't they just call it Hambubbecue?

Yeah.

Or something else.

My wife will argue with me.

She'll say, that's what it is.

Oh, how backwards.

No, it's not.

The hamburger's the name of a city in Germany.

Fuck.

I know that.

I'm just saying it's backwards.

Why do they call it barbecue hamburger?

I just say Hamburg barbecue.

Like you'll go to a diner and it'll be under specials.

Today, Hamburg barbecue.

Okay.

That's crazy.

All right, Dwight, you got some new numbers, right?

I'm copying them now.

I'm excited.

Damn, I'm getting there.

You're being quiet, boy.

Don't be upset.

You know what I don't like about Dwight's current avatar?

its heart, it's dark, and it always looks to me like

he's disconnected when I look at it. Really?

It looks like he's about to kill

somebody, or I'm looking up at him

from a blowjob. It's a GTA.

and blow me here's another waffle house everybody

dude you're sending me waffle houses in the same town i'm already even calling them

i'm not sending you waffle houses what are you talking about hey you did or someone did who did

Oh, Dashie.

Dashie.

No, not me.

All right, take it easy.

Yeah, motherfucker.

I already sent you numbers, bro.

Jeez.

I don't know.

You might not like some of my numbers.

I don't think you want to call them.

I think it's too late now.

They're probably girl-called numbers.

Yeah, they're probably done-zo.

I actually had some Hawaii Craigslist ones in there, though, too.

Well, that'll work out, though.

Okay.

I think those I set first.

Dashie, fair warning.

I might have to go to the caller, Riffa, because I really am getting...

He says it's added.

Yeah, I know, I know.

but it costs some money

and I don't want to

I heard Dashie

is full of diamonds

uh yeah

okay

yeah

I heard friendship

is magic

friendship is magic

it sure is

he says he wants you

to use him as much

as we want

he doesn't care

oh we're gonna do

some frottage now

ooh let's call 9-1-1

this ain't your day now

oh let's call the

LAPD again

yeah Dwight

thanks Dashie

you got that number

I need

that's what I need

I need my number

good evening

thank you for calling

the Deerfoot Inn and Casino

this is Terry

how may I assist you

hey Tara

Tara? How are you? Tara?

I'm well. Terry.

Tara. Okay.

Terry.

Tara. I'd like to speak to a guest there.

No last name?

He's Jewish. It's Hurwitz. H-U-R-W-I-T-Z.

And what's the first name?

Brom. B-R-A-H-M.

I don't have that first name.

Fuck!

Excuse me?

Oh, is it maybe under a different first name? Maybe his wife.

And the first name of the wife?

I don't know. I don't know. I just know him.

I just know he's traveling with his wife.

Okay. I would need to know.

Oh, come on. It's him.

No, I'm not putting you through.

I'm not putting you through.

Fucking shit.

How many other Hurwitzes do you think there are?

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm not talking to you with that kind of language.

It could be a different Hurwitz.

You fucking stupid fucking ass.

Fucking stupid fucking shit.

Oh, my God.

That language really offended her.

Fuck that bitch.

That escalated quickly.

Fuck.

Zobot's having a bad day.

Wow.

How about one of you guys?

Dwight, try your skills.

Maybe she'll let you talk to Miss Hurwitz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Probably won't.

Here it is.

Piece of shit.

Stuck on dialing.

oh my god go fuck it come on i mean go ahead and dial it call her thank you for calling the dear

foot in a casino this is terry how may i assist you how you doing there tits i need to speak to

a guest please okay you know what no not with that kind of language i'm not talking don't

fucking use your voice to be bitch goodbye fuck you oh my god dude i'm gonna call her next

okay all right i'll adjust the color already just in case that's fine

god wait what where what is this some kind of hotel it's just a hotel we're looking for

someone that's a hotel and casino oh boy all right here we go picked up on it thank you for

calling your footing casino brina speaking how can i help you hi is this brenda it's brina oh

brina um is terry there sure can i ask who's speaking oh sure my name's mina sure just one

moment please recently awarded best banquet and catering facility by the consumer's choice awards

The Deerfoot Inn and Casino offers top-quality food and beverage service in stylishly appointed...

Terry, how may I assist you?

Hi, Terry. My name is Mina, and I'm looking for a guest. I was wondering if you could help me.

Certainly. What's the guest's name?

The last name is Hurwitz.

And it's H-U-R-T, correct?

H-U-R-W, sir.

W-I-T-Z.

And the first name?

Brom.

I don't have anyone here under that name.

Oh, man.

It's either that name or I think it's maybe one of his associates.

So is there anyone, nothing under that particular last name?

I have one guest under that last name, but that's not the first name that I have.

Oh, that's so weird.

I only have one.

I know there was a few over the weekend for a wedding, but I only have one left.

Okay.

Most of them have departed already.

Hmm.

Let me see.

Who else am I looking for?

Well, he's Jewish, I think.

I don't know.

Is there anyone out there that might kind of look like him?

I'm sure you saw everybody this weekend.

I didn't, actually.

I was only here for parts of the days, right?

So we have 188 rooms.

So 88 rooms.

Have you seen them all inside and out?

188 rooms.

No, but that's what I'm saying.

Like, I would know everyone, and I can only go by the names.

That's how we put people together.

Have you, like, bounced your tits in every single room before?

um have you ever bounced your tits in every single room um goodbye goodbye that's that

and you uh i hear last night howard's son fucking flip out on us carlito i missed it

remember i was watching oh that's right yeah we uh i called and i told howard that i spoke to uh

his son and then he said i could move in then i was sharing a room with the guy downstairs

and uh i was like yeah i talked to i talked to your son and his wife it's a done deal

and he's like i don't know what to do i can talk to him right now he's right here and he gets on

the phone i started giving his son shit he started flipping out about and you hear howard the

background yo tell him about the volcano he was saying that yeah he was he's yelling at him so

give me the phone i want to cuss this motherfucker out does anyone want a chihuahua dwight how about

a chihuahua yeah chihuahua chihuahua neon apartment you did it's just mexico oh here we go here we go

it's a fucked up looking chihuahua it's llama llama the llama goes

hello how you doing you got a chihuahuas no not anymore oh i talked to somebody and they were

supposed to put it on hold for me no where's my fucking dog bitch hello to you that i'm speaking

speaking hello fucking bitches when they operate phones yeah

like you said do you have a chihuahuas

when i started like thinking i'm gonna do a mexican accent on him i want to throw like

15 s's on the end of everything for some reason

that chihuahua yo lunch lady lunch lady says that dog was a homo anyway

way oh gay dog it doesn't smell like shit what's going on some stuff in my monitor i just noticed

i don't do weird um do we have any uh any more numbers do i are you you were still looking or

getting them i'm putting them in the chat here you just gotta scroll i think uh there's someone

named d who's renting out their partial living room d okay d partial nuts yeah boobs i want to

Just say a D's and I'll start it.

Chillin' with the music.

Yeah.

How many episodes of Barnes is the New Black have you watched?

I'm on episode six.

I didn't watch any today because I've been in a head funk, but I watched a lot yesterday.

Head funk.

Did you finish it?

I'm on six as well, actually.

Did you finish it?

No, no, no.

I'm on episode six, I think.

Same one.

So, Dwight, are you still here?

Yep.

How do I dial again?

It's D, what is it called?

It's exclamation point, dial.

And then the number.

Space.

base and then you got to put make sure to put the one i'm gonna have to because i'm i'm over it i'm

over it uh i want to see i recorded it last night uh it's one of the jeff ross he's like roasting

prisoners roasting prisoners yeah he did a roast of prisoners in uh jail oh jeff ross really yeah

he's the he's the roast master general right now yeah yeah it's uh jeff he went to uh braz

Brazil's county jail

and

basically roasted a bunch of them

like I know on the preview he's like

you're the only one in here that looks like a child

and a child molester and all this shit

oh dang

was it a Comedy Central thing or

he's doing it on his own? yeah it was a brand new one

they did yesterday oh that's dope

I'll try to look for that on demand or something

or download it

I saw something like a CNN thing

or something talking about that but I didn't

know when it's coming out so cool i'm excited whoop whoop okay so uh i hear i'm initiating a

call are we excited about that yeah do it man new demands that you call greeks yeah he's let me do

his greek number god bless him i did one yeah i did one of them already and he was happy let's

do his second one this one is called the great greek oh i'm sorry i forgot to format that one

Format it, please.

I've got to get you to use in color.

This really sucks, though.

Sucks.

What's he say?

I don't want to have to depend on Dash.

I'm not going to know what...

Hey, Greek, how can I help you?

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

Very good.

Oh, that's good.

I'd like to make an order.

Oh, would you like that?

All right, I want one pastizzo.

Pastizzo appetizer or the dinner portion?

The dinner.

Okay.

All right, one malacca.

Ooh.

Malacca.

Anything else?

Yeah, one pustis.

Your father will do.

Is your pustis father around?

Which one?

Your Pustis father, so I can fuck him.

You want to come suck some dick or something?

No, I'm going to fuck your father.

He likes it in the ass because he's Pustis, you know?

I know.

That's what he said to you, bitch.

Yeah, so I'm ready to fuck him.

Oh, man.

That could be something.

Oh, shit.

We'll have to pick on the Greeks.

Dang, Nunu.

Nunu's numbers are finally panning out.

What the hell?

Yeah.

Must be a cold day in hell or something.

Yeah, the drought is over, man.

I hope so.

Let me look up some Greek fucking places.

We'll have some fun.

As long as they're real Greeks, you know.

What were you ordering?

Malaka is jerk-off, masturbator, and then Bustis is gay.

Oh, okay.

Like, a gay person.

I like how you said Malaka.

He's a lot of that order, too, Kaka.

Oh, Malaka, Malaka.

Oh, man, you can't just copy-paste shit in this motherfucker.

Dwight, what's the easiest way to, like, redial?

Oh, I can just do a redial, right?

Oh, you can just do an exclamation redial.

Yeah, that's right.

Or if you want to change your caller ID, it's

exclamation rand cycle.

Aw, you poor thing.

Man, that was stupid.

Yeah, exclamation rand

cycle will give you a whole new caller ID,

hang up, redial, all that.

Hey, Greek, I can help you. Yes, I'm sorry.

I seem to have a problem

with the order I was making.

I'm sorry. I want to apologize for that.

Okay? Why would you call like that

and be insulting people here?

My mom heard and she said I had to call back

I can apologize.

Yeah, but we're not taking any orders from you, man.

That was really disrespectful.

You know that, right?

I don't even know what the words mean.

She said that I was supposed to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we're not taking any orders from you.

Why, please?

Come on.

Please, I'll put my mom...

We're not.

Sorry.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

I'll put my mom on the phone.

That sucks.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

So rude.

All right.

Can't you just do...

Can't you actually put...

So it could do just exclamation point H for hang up?

Does that work?

That'd be kind of cool.

That would be cool.

Short code.

these are short codes yeah all right and it's dial my call right dial correct yes he said it'll

take five minutes yo really oh yeah man oh i was just a suggestion continuous improvement man way

to go for some dark strangler oh strangling you in the dark oh my god disconnected for no longer

i only called in to talk to milkman now he's gone if you feel you have yeah you know i've been

been waiting to talk to you dark stranger oh yeah oh yeah the lesbian moment oh yes yes everyone's

like wanking now i was already wanking enough my dick just shriveled up oh my god get out of the

water someone else gonna do a greek yeah i'll do a greek all right um i need i need some i gotta

pull up some greek words what was the word that you oh sorry no you're fine i was what was the

word that you said that means a pussy or whatever you said before really the greeks hate malacca is

like you know like the worst word you can call a guy you can be like yeah you motherfucker like

you know malacca means just like you masturbate okay so malacca yeah and uh pustis is like gay

like you're like oh my pusty like that's that's funny i like didn't mean to interrupt sorry

means boobs oh that's okay i was just gonna say dwight tell him that you you uh sweat olive oil

again what is this uh monotricha means i cut hair tell them you're from the turkish kitchen

so yeah if you say you're turkish oh my god tell them you're competing business

no turks and greeks are fucking lifelong enemies so yeah you'll yeah all right hey

that petite greek pedicsu pedicsu means fuck you that's classic that's russian

Putana.

It's whore.

Yeah, that's right.

It's like a suit.

Yeah, I need to make order for a pickup there.

What would you like?

I would like one papadi.

Papadi?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I want one special.

Which special?

What special do you have, Putana?

I am Greek.

Hey, I am Turkish.

And I will fuck you.

A big Turkish dick.

Wrong.

Aw.

I don't have the rapport with the

Greeks that I do with the Indians.

I like that you were Greek-Turkish.

That would be a good combo.

Skopanos

means dickhead.

That's fantastic.

Yes, I gotta learn that.

I could probably get on my father-in-law's really good side

and get more money

if I did that. Learn Greek, you know.

By calling him a whore?

No, but learning him, we could say, yeah, that whore.

Yeah, right here is one

you're looking for.

Ana means I fucked your mother.

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to say that.

We apologize to all the Greeks out there if we're not saying it right.

They're listening right now.

Oh, yeah.

If I could only see this one, which means I will screw your dog, bitch.

That would be fantastic.

That's like with anything.

Like, if you find a language you want to learn, you want to learn all the bad words first.

Like, yeah.

Coming up in school, everyone learned the bad Spanish words.

It was like people like me teaching all the white kids.

Look at this

It eventually translates out to

I'm going to fuck you with a chair

You were cool teaching all the white kids

That was like your thing

Yeah

Just insult them in English

Do you know what's cool?

Masturbation

Just do it

You know what's cool? Masturbation

Everybody does it

That's what I told that 19 year old

Isn't masturbating cool?

I'm going to use that tomorrow in the show.

Order from this establishment.

Hell yeah, you are.

He's just a kid. I'm just figuring things are in common.

Yeah, you probably just started a master brain or something.

You said that Jurassic Park sucked, but I read that that motherfucker made like $511 million or some shit this week.

Yeah, that's fine. It made money.

That's because people wanted to go see it. It doesn't mean it was good.

It could be a piece of shit, but they're going to make money.

That's a lot of money, though, eh?

It was up against bullshit.

shit. Everyone got out of its

fucking way. They knew they was going to steamroll.

The episode on a Star Wars

is great.

Hello. Hello. Where am I

calling? Is this the restaurant?

It's a sushi place.

Great.

Can I have some fish?

Can I have some pussy

fish? Do you smell like fish down below?

Oh, I see it is

a pickup order. Oh, I'll pick

it up, baby. How much do you charge

for your fish?

Uh, like, what kind you want?

Pussy fish.

Sushi?

Yeah, sure, your sushi fish vagina.

And how big are your tits that you serve there?

We have two pieces and six pieces.

Holy shit. Someone has six tits?

Oh, one second, please.

Sure.

Fuck you, I wanna order takeout.

You were here first.

Yeah.

I'm gonna talk to that guy.

I think she's just gonna leave us off, though.

Maybe she's gonna take that guy's order, then have him answer the phone.

I need my bearded clam.

Roll.

Really?

Oh, my God.

Really?

That worked well, actually.

I'll call back.

Tell them they're rude.

I would say, like, R, like, yeah, R, like.

Tell them we're stuck in the fifth space and we need to get to the sixth.

The shortcut should be H for hang up, R for redo.

Thank you for calling to the majority.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

You were just speaking to my spouse.

Did you have a problem with the order?

Oh, no.

No, it's fine.

What would you like to order?

Oh, I'll put her on again.

Go ahead, Darkie.

Oh, I'd like to order the six tit pieces.

The six pieces?

Yes.

Okay, which one do you want?

We have the salmon, tuna, gelato.

Gelato?

That sounds fucking delicious.

Is that your bearded clam?

Is that what you guys use?

She said genital.

Oh, genital.

The salmon is the most popular one.

The genital one?

The salmon is the most popular one.

I hope it doesn't come with any STDs, does it?

No.

No?

I can't get some genital warts on there?

Mm-hmm.

I want to feed it to my husband because he's a bastard, motherfucker.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

You're cool with that?

Yeah.

No MSG and no STDs for mine, but for my husband.

You need some, like, venereal disease?

Just rub the fish all over your pussy?

No, I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Are you a stinky, pus-filled pussyhole?

Let me talk to someone else.

You don't know English.

Dumbass.

Oh, my God.

I have an uncle.

Holy fuck.

Let me talk to the other bitch.

You don't know English at all.

It's an air raid.

Yeah, sorry.

The guy is going to come back in about five minutes.

What was the alarm?

Yeah, I just understand that she wanted to speak to the cook.

Mira, mira, mira.

¿Qué fue la alarma?

¿Qué fue eso?

Una sirena que se oyó por ahí.

¿Qué fue eso?

Hello?

Speak to the cook.

Do you want to call back in five minutes?

You speak Spanish?

Can we talk to the cook?

No.

He's busy right now.

I don't give a fuck.

Let me talk to the cook.

Cook.

One second.

He's outside.

Thanks, bitch.

What the hell is going on?

I think there's a song or something.

Is this a dance hall or what?

Where the hell do we call?

Speak in Spanish.

She won't talk to me.

Yeah, keep talking to her.

Store me a light in my life.

Spanish goes to Juan.

Hispanic goes to Juan.

Talk to me.

Are you speaking in that dirty Spanish language?

Yeah, dirty pig language.

Hello, sir?

Hi, is this the cook?

Yes.

Hey, why'd you put that bitch on the phone?

She can't speak English at all.

All right, what would you like to know?

I would like to know about her pussy lips and what size your tits are.

What is that?

I want to know what size your tits are.

Ask your motherfucker.

Hello?

Yeah, you going to order something?

Do you have a big eel in your pants?

Eel? Yeah, we have eel.

What's the girth on that?

Oh, the girth.

You know how round it is.

Is it a big, thick eel?

Show me your genitals.

Your genitals.

How long is that eel you got there in your pants?

You don't know.

So you don't have a dick in your pants?

Do you freeball it, sir?

Do you freeball?

Oh my God.

Everyone's stupid here.

Yeah.

Yeah, dump place, right?

While you were doing that, I started listening to that song,

Show Me Your Genitals.

I was like, oh yeah, what a play.

Sean LeJoy, that's awesome.

That's a song about genitals, your genitals.

Yeah, she straight up said genitals.

I swear to God, that's why I heard genitals.

The next one is Taki's Mad Greek.

That wasn't even Greek, silly Dwight.

That was sushi.

Oh, bother.

I don't know, I typed in Greek food and they popped up.

Good grief.

It's Dashie's fault.

So it was like Spanish sushi?

Is she fusion?

You need to call them and say they can't cook the food.

It's not dialing.

Uh-oh.

I'm thinking the shortcut's like H for hang up, D for dial, C for...

R for read out.

You think that'd be faster for you, Dwight?

Yeah.

Slow.

RAND cycle just could be RAND.

I have it both ways.

It'd be cool also if it hit a message back saying dialing in the number.

I don't know why.

It gets confusing.

Yeah, it's got those itches over it.

One issue.

Come on, we need an answer here from the Greeks.

Initiate a hang-up procedure.

All right, next.

This is Kuzina Greek Restaurant, which means kitchen.

Greek kitchen restaurant.

Do I have to have the one there?

Can I have the dashes and still copy-paste it?

Do I have to take them out?

You have to take them out.

So you've got to do that every time.

That's a Greek restaurant for Turkish to like.

Can dashes be able to make it ignore, have it ignore dashes and parentheses?

yeah god bless it and and make it say do call because for some reason i want to do call

stupid and a shortcut to see your genitals that's true yeah this should be like a you

can put in like genitals yeah and it comes up with like pictures of senior genitals like seniors

senior citizen genitals yeah like ask you from america i'm sorry dark structure i don't care

press it again bring back tts to the talking one damn it now i could already type it out

Me, me, me.

I'm a sex pervert from America.

Me, me, me.

Yeah, we need a me, me for Carlito.

Me, me, me.

That was so funny the way that thing said it.

Me, me, me.

Oh, yeah.

The computer.

It actually sounded cute the way she said it.

Me, me, me, me.

Jeff Anderson from Clerks there.

Oh, okay.

Clerks.

Who was Jeff Anderson in Clerks?

I don't remember.

I haven't seen that movie in a while.

Regina Restaurant, Joy Food Hotel, and Joy Kettering for the wholesale order.

That's what the H would have worked.

it was randall graves i thought he was gonna make it work in five minutes i don't think he's ready

all right the byzantian he said he can't do it while you you're using it oh so i have to step

out okay take a break yeah can you do that dashy kill it real quick yeah remove it remove it do

you want me to do i have to remove it right yeah yep y'all got to remove it too let's take it out

gotta remove it remove it right click on it right what's the call oh wait no don't kick it don't

cake just

Just need to hang it up.

Okay, okay.

Oh, I get it.

This is like a reading show for the high over here.

Dude.

Whatever, man.

i've been sleeping all day i think i was kind of like thc hungover today too i spent a lot of

fucking oh dude last night i had one that was really high in cbd and i was like paranoid as

fuck oh the cannabidol whatever which one yeah that's the stuff that's good for like cancer

patients that's a really good holy crap i started freaking out we were watching a movie and

thankfully friend was here saying no one ever died from weed and i was like oh my god i just want

want the ride to stop that's what you need a good friend like i'll totally make it all right

if i when i eat stuff like sometimes i'll get some cookies yeah if i eat too many i get like

that i'm like i was in a hospital once someone brought me someone i know brought me some marijuana

cookies and someone i know was telling me just you know eat like two or three and i ate four

and i was sitting there like freaking out like oh my god they're gonna check my blood pressure

and they're going to know that the cake sucks.

Ah, edibles.

Edibles are always great.

When it kicks in, you're like, fuck.

I'm picky now about the edibles.

I've had some that really, really, really work,

some that are okay, and some that are just like, eh.

Like a waste, like eh.

Like the gummies, I never got anything from those.

I heard the candy ones are a little harder,

like hard candies and stuff.

They don't have that much kick to them.

Not like cookies, the baked stuff is worse.

The brownies, there's a reason why people did brownies

because it's something like about it that like adheres more to it yeah it just the way it heats

up it bakes yeah basically baking is good you need oil or some kind of butter in it make it work

yeah because when you cook the brownies you have to like put it in oil and you know saute it and

shit bring out the thc yeah man this food's actually looks really good that one link that

i put uh the fat greek shit looks amazing i don't know if you guys like that hey greek food is

great. I don't think I've ever had

Greek food. Wait, I've had like

some salads, but... It's my favorite salad.

Yeah. Really? I think

the olives are a little too salty.

They can be, depending if good

olives are not like that,

or not that salty. You have to know

the right kind to get. You need to, like, Kalamata's

are decent. Don't get the tin shit.

No, no, oh no.

God, no. It tastes like ass.

Alright, I don't know if we called this one

already, but this is the Byzantine restaurant.

Llama, do you want it? You haven't done a call yet?

No, I'm going to listen and learn more Greek before I, if you don't mind.

All right.

No, no.

Unless you just want me to fucking talk shit to him.

I can do that.

I have no lines.

I didn't hear what you said.

I don't mind.

Well, Carlito, he fixed it.

Yes.

Cool.

Or he updated it.

Upgraded it.

You just did a bad thing in the restaurant?

Yes.

Upgraded it.

What?

Oh, it's a message.

It works.

Nice.

Can we do bash D?

Yay.

I'm going to try bash D.

Yay.

Mr. D's

Greek deli

Oh, it doesn't like D

It doesn't want the D

I want to give it the D

What about R?

Oh, no, yeah, that's right

D for dial

I was thinking recycle

Or redial, redial

Redial

It sounds like spicy

I like the air

It's like

It sounds like the shocks

I got the other week

Oh, I forgot the one

Sorry

What?

Whoops

Shocks?

Thanks, Dasha.

We got the Sharks, DS.

Dasha has my back on that one.

Dude, you know what?

I didn't pay any attention to E3 this year.

What's that?

A video game conference.

This was all shit except for that Fallout 4.

Really?

Yeah, that Fallout 4 was badass.

I had a feeling it wasn't going to be that big.

Nunu says to, like, say you're from the Faroe Islands.

Is that a thing, too?

Cyprus is another one.

The Turks own it.

The Turks claim it, but the Greeks say it's theirs.

All the little islands.

Yeah.

Yeah, it obviously should be Greek, you know, by the positioning of it.

Please enter your remote access code.

Oh, press the button.

What is next?

Probably all closed early for being on a Sunday.

Well, I mean, you never know.

Little Bibby?

So what are these numbers you sent, like Lil Durk, Lil Bibby, Chino, OTP?

They're rappers.

They're rappers?

They're all supposed to be Greek food.

Little Bibby is a Greek food?

When I used Dash's tool and looked for Greek food, it popped up.

They're a bunch of rap names.

The previous numbers he's talking about.

Hey, baby.

Oh, see, these are rappers' lawnmowers.

Did you get these lawnmowers?

No, Enigma, I think, threw those in.

Enigma.

Little Herb.

I think you should call it Little Bibby.

Little Bibby.

You actually said it right.

It's Little Herb.

I'm going to call it Little Bibby.

No, it's Herb.

Herb.

It could be Herb, right?

Herb was an insult back in the 90s.

Remember, like, I never knew what it was, but you could be called a Herb.

Like, you're a Herb.

Oh, I get it.

You have reached the voicemail.

It was something, but the guys were smoking weed

and they were about to get in a fight with him.

He was like, listen, man, I don't want to get in a fight with no reefer addicts.

I was like, really? That's your insult?

That's Back to the Future.

He said that because he was black.

Or they were black.

The numbers are probably burned, but I've been there anyway.

Back to the Future, he's like, oh, man, I don't want to get in a fight with no reefer addicts.

We don't want to get in a fight with no reefer addicts

and then the rest of them come out of the car

and all the smoke's coming out of the car.

He's like, mind your own business, spook.

He's like, oh, it's all down.

It starts out with them fucking with putting Marty in the back of the car in the trunk.

And the keys were in there, which makes no sense.

Why would the keys be in there?

How did they get their hands on the keys and put them in there

when the black dudes are in the car smoking weed already?

Disconnected.

They pressed the button.

Okay.

Lil' Dirk.

You're such a Dirk.

Dirk Diggler's crappy sibling.

I saw the name.

Dirk Dirk and Muhammad Jihad.

Huh?

Isn't that what Dirk said?

He's like, I know the name.

I saw it in lights.

It was a big explosion.

See, it's good.

Oh, come on.

I had the one.

I forgot the one.

Dwight, can you just do this for me?

In a second, I can.

Come on, Dwighty.

Oh, I'm in the middle of a GTA mission right now.

Come on.

Urban Dictionary says,

you're in the middle of a madhouse.

Yeah, but I get double fucking money.

Oh, dude, I didn't play any of this.

Sorry, because of the update.

Fuck, I didn't try that.

What's that? Disconnected? No, it doesn't exist.

Alright, I'm going to move on for these rapper numbers.

I think they're burned out, sir.

Yeah, they're probably dead.

How you been? Enigma, you're back home? Congratulations.

Yeah, I'm back home.

Did you buy any shot glasses?

No.

That's a nice thing to bring back with you.

Yeah, I looked at them, but

down there it's pretty expensive.

The number you dialed is not a working number.

Please check the number.

Okay, so I think

Ken sent more numbers anyway, right?

Do the Craigslist Hawaii.

Where did you see that?

Can you resend this to me, Neon, in a private message so I can...

It's the last message I sent you.

Okay, never mind then.

Lama, were you asking about me?

I was just saying I only put that one number in there,

but I know it's in Hawaii, so maybe they'll be open.

I don't know.

Probably.

That's the menu I was looking at.

They look really fucking...

You're getting into it?

Here we go.

First off of Craigslist, we got a free dog house.

Nice.

That's real fucking special.

No, it looked like, seriously, like something

Dog the Bounty Hunter would hide in.

It's like a hut.

Yeah, let me see. I'll get the...

It's like plastic.

Oh my god, that's horrible.

My granddad would have made to put a goat in it.

Here, I'll post it.

You saw, like, the people here.

Jesus. Hello, sir, you got the dog house?

I'm gonna come get the dog house.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too, that your phone

sounds like shit. Can you fix that?

that i can't hear him can anybody understand what he's saying man are you there yeah man we want the

dog house yeah do you think um it's big enough for a kid i got a dog named bounty and ice

i couldn't hear him guys well because i think dwight has an audible hiss when he doesn't mute

it's a loud hiss no i'm muted yeah but when you're not muted there's a hiss because as soon as you

muted it went away i think he was farting it's not that bad he has a snake

Oh yeah, you have no fucking idea

You got a fan on there, Milkman?

Yeah, I just turned it down

Ah, yes, this pleases me

I need this doghouse

Does the doghouse have a cardboard floor?

It's just a hut

It looks like a fucking

It looks like something someone made

Like in Puerto Rico

Hello?

You got that shitty doghouse?

It's a fuckhouse

whatever

yeah yeah

you put your

dogs in there

it's hilarious

I mean that's a

nice house for a

dog though

a dog would be

chilling in there

but yeah man

it's nice and

big it's sturdier

than a normal

dog house

probably

you know

it's got a

little cup

right there

so you can

get his hands

in the dirt

if he wants

to when he

lays down

nice shade

oh

it needs a

front though

I would love

that if I was

it's like a

place to go

like you know

shoot up or

do meth

yeah

that too

it looks like

a bus shelter

it looks like

a Jamaican

house

oh yeah

it needs to

be painted

it though like gray green or something yeah metal getting out nice rusted metal it looks like a

mural on the side unallocated number another woman we got uh dashie just added some more

things yay cool all right dashie likes playing with his tool on the show i like coming up with

ideas for dashie it's being cool all right let me go back to my least okay we're gonna leave that

guy alone with a doghouse coming up next is kamui what oh and kamui oh that's what it said

was a contact name oh kamui he's a malacca free plastic desks howie's calling i didn't realize it

was these aren't good numbers what the hell that was me because i put in the old program

oh sorry hello kamui yeah hey how you doing i saw you had the ad on the craigslist for the

The plastic desks?

Hello?

The table?

Yeah, what happened?

Get...

You motherfucker.

That's bullshit that it's gone.

Who took it?

I'm going to kick their ass.

Can you tell me who they were?

Yeah, I'm going to kick their fucking ass shits.

You should have called me, all right?

I know.

That sucks.

You don't have any other furniture or anything like that?

Okay, can I suck your pussy and lick your pussy?

Hello?

Or whatever.

Oh, my God.

I don't know what else to say.

All right.

That's so offensive.

Oh, my God.

That came out of nowhere.

Yeah, that did.

No, I'm into doing that.

the girls uh we got free lava rocks free lava rocks look at that hey you know who need those

we'll take it to the lava yeah anyone want the lava rocks please say yes i'll take it

because you're supposed to take the love yeah yeah that's true right it's like a curse or

some shit really hello hi uh i'm calling about the lava rocks yes is this uh um craig sorry

This is Craig.

All right, cool.

So, do you still have the lava rocks?

I do.

Cool. Where'd you get them?

Well, they're actually from the house.

This house was here from 1940.

Oh.

And we got some from, like, Yale Valley.

But it's been here for at least 20, 30 years.

Are they still hot?

No.

So, you haven't been burned by them or anything?

I'm sorry?

You haven't been, like, burnt, like, trying to move them?

Because I was just wondering why I have to haul them.

I was just wondering, are they dangerous?

No.

We made these rocks, I don't know if you saw the picture, yeah,

but it's as a garden, like a dry riverbed.

Uh-huh.

And I constantly watered these rocks to grow moss on them.

Oh, but they're still hot?

I don't understand when you say hot.

Like lava, like they're still kind of emitting a heat source from the lava

because they're lava rocks?

No.

Are they alive?

um no they're um where are you calling me from oh i'm calling i i i'm in uh hawaii right now but i

have i lost my phone i had to get a burner phone so but i had yeah somebody stole my purse today

and it was just a big mess so i had to go get a burner phone it was crazy so so these rocks are

um they're dormant rocks and uh i use them for um display purposes yeah for um dry bed um river

of rocks did you ever finish that flower bed thingy or your bridge paddle thing bridge to

terabithia because it looks really ugly what are you talking about did you steal these rocks

you are talking to the wrong person are they masturbation rocks oh my god who are you on the

rock oh damn oh wow he uh wow he was something wow wow wow wow wow wow wow all right let's

You should have asked if you could smoke them.

Can you smoke them rocks?

Call on him back.

Tell him about Dark Strider.

Is he selling them?

Hello?

Hello, do you have those lava rocks?

Yeah, so I don't understand.

Why are you calling me and bothering me?

I'm trying to give away rocks that was from this house from the 1940s,

and you're telling me I'm masturbating on these rocks?

I think so.

Do you think you could smoke those rocks?

Oh, my God, smoke them rocks?

person because you were i mean it was a different completely different person it's a completely

different person all right lava rocks huh way to do it all right that's the end of the show

we'll see you guys later no i'm kidding i'm still going whoa that scared me for real usually would

be the end but i feel like keep going because i slept a lot today now i got caffeine in me

keep that show going baby good you need a name for that character uh it does sound just like

fucking jim carrey though he does have one it's called the alabama cape dweller

do you uh listen to that west coast uh talk radio on gta 5 carlio you ever listen to that

spanish dude he's like yes he's like he's like just like sexually harassed the woman that's on

with him yeah i've no i've heard yeah i heard him on there and i heard him on the preview on gta 4

he was on it, too.

He's like, yes. He's like, in the woman

and out of the woman.

Well, we talked about this. You can't be doing this.

Yes.

This pleases me.

Yeah, that fucking dude rules.

He's an interesting guy.

Yeah, you would be a big fan of him.

I would, yes.

Hey, let's listen to more of the Mel Gibson rant

while we do, before we get some more prank calls ready.

Yay!

You need medication. You need medication.

What?

With a dysfunctional cunt?

Oh my god!

Why don't I remember that part of this?

That's a good one.

This is old shit, though.

This is like five years ago, but still.

How about you just need a fucking-

Get it?

It's like a telephone exorcism or something.

He's jerking off angry while he's doing it.

The belt around his neck choked me.

Yes, but you, honey, don't call me honey.

You're in my house now.

You can do that.

Oh, hey, Carly, we'll pause that real quick.

Can you imagine what the fake Madhouse would have done

if he started playing this in my house?

Yeah, yeah, man.

You're in my house.

You should use that as a soundbite.

Then I will go to Alessia's right now.

Here, if you don't spend another thing, listen to me.

Listen to me.

Listen.

i don't listen to me mel i don't give a damn if you don't spend another penny on me i don't care

i am just i am just fearing for the life of my daughter listen to me listen to me

well i think it was i really think she was saying stuff after like it was kind of edited a little

little bit by the lawyer you know well and she was a little bit of a gold digger too because

she already did the same type of thing with um uh rich um check that timothy dalton oh really

yeah she has a kid from him i didn't know that yeah that's the oldest that's around

the little girl now and they were just actually mel gibson and oxana were in the news just

recently they're duking it out over custody timothy dalton's older than mel gibson though

holy shit yeah so she kind of she circled that wagon before i think i'm not saying she deserves

to be talked to like that or you know have had that all happen but she drove she probably drove

him a little crazy yeah you're in the game you know yeah because i'm saving my life and i'm

saving daughter's life that's what i'm doing i don't give a damn about my music and i don't

give a damn about you spending another penny i'm saving her life you almost killed us did you

you forget a woman with a child in her hands you what kind of menace that hitting a woman when she's

holding a child in her hand breaking her teeth twice in the face what kind of man is that then

hit her see i always thought that part was acted out you know i really threw the baby at him i know

somebody that did that you're gonna get to you know what you're gonna answer one day boy you're

gonna answer bear nothing nothing i'm not the one to threaten put you in a rose garden he's

polite about it right like you're gonna kill her you should be roses all around roses for you not

just like i'm gonna fucking kill you yeah we're gonna and we're gonna bury you in a nice cemetery

and build it up real nice the statues of you around angels he has a good imagination yeah

Yeah, it sounds like he thought that out, though, eh?

Yeah, eh, indeed.

I think he was, like, expelling demons or something.

That was the end of part two.

Maybe later on.

There's three minutes of part three.

Not now, guys.

Not now.

Maybe later, if we keep going on.

Oh, please.

Don't make us wait.

Man, I'm in the mood for hot wings.

Don't hold out on us.

All right.

More numbers.

More Hawaiian Craigslisters.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

ew

that's how you sound

tug it

why you gotta take it there

Dwight

why you gotta take it there

hey

why don't you come over

and jerk this cum crayon

oh fuck yeah

cum what

cum crayon

you have a cum crayon

I'm looking for the cum marker

cause it's permanent

you know what I'm saying

oh snap

crayon

it's pretty tiny

it won't work for me

you know when it's down

to the nubs

when you're a man like Dwight

you don't need that extra

you know those pencils

that go down to the nubs

don't turn the backpedal out

Dwight

come on

we got you

it. Yeah, what color crayon do you have?

Yeah, what color?

You should call it like sidewalk chalk

or something a little bit bigger. I want it

blue-green or green-blue.

Suck this sidewalk chalk. It's pretty tiny.

Sidewalk chalk's a pretty

decent size. Yeah, but as you

continue to write with it, it gets smaller and smaller.

That's true. That's what she said. And it chips away.

It's disgusting.

It chips away.

It does. You hit the

bump on the sidewalk and it

fucking knocked off like a quarter

of it. Did you ever finish it with your kids

and then scrape your knuckle trying to write

and get pissed off? That's gross, man.

I don't draw on the sidewalk. What are you smoking?

When you were young and was

younger, you know? I never did that shit

when I was younger. What are you smoking?

Listen, listen, listen. That reminds me. White's barely been let out.

I was going to bring something up and you guys

just reminded me. Okay, so

I got this new neighbor and

they look kind of weird.

Are they black? No, no.

I haven't seen them

my wife's seen them so they are kind of weird

so they came in with a massive

amount of potted plants

and inside right on

their window there's a bunch of potted

plants they're really pretty I love them

and then they've got a whole ton of them

outside all over the apartment like outside

like on the walkway up they put a bunch

of potted daisies

and they actually put them in front of our

door and stuff like that

those are actually microphones and cameras buddy

you're fucking going to jail you're done well whatever they're on fbi they're on our side like

it's kind of weird like i don't know why they did that but i'm like okay it smells pretty they look

nice i step outside oh look flowers okay it's their stuff all right but here's the problem

this weekend i'm walking up and now there's sidewalk chalk on the sidewalk and it's a yellow

triangle with a circle at the inside at the top of it illuminati i know right you think that's what

it is i was like wait a minute wait a minute and now i have to walk through this so i saw it last

night and i was i started kicking out like what the fuck what the fuck is this you know what i

mean and i was gonna if i did it wasn't that i had to go up and down the stairs i have a broken

ankle and i did a lot of walking yesterday i was already in some soreness and pain i just wanted

to sit down finally um so i didn't i was gonna fucking bring a gallon of water out and just

fucking dump it all over it today it rained so it's gone but if that motherfucker comes back i'm

I'm actually going to knock on their door and say, hey, what the fuck does this mean?

I don't want this shit on the walkway.

Like, you can do all you want on your side, and I don't mind your flowers on our side because I think they're pretty.

They smell great.

I love them.

They're not bothering me.

But if you're going to start putting symbols that I have to walk through on my way inside of my apartment, I'm not cool with that, you know?

And for me, like, I see a triangle, I'm already like, uh-uh.

Like, oh, something's up.

I'm always looking for that shit in movies.

Was it a pink triangle?

No, it was yellow.

Oh.

Hobo signs say it means tramps

And nothing to be gained

Tramps?

I just sent a picture

I don't know, I think that means kind of like the Illuminati

Look, did you see the V? Fake illness here

What if they're trying to tell you something

I didn't get a chance to take a picture of it

Hobo signs? Are you for real?

Yeah, this is awesome

Oh yeah, tramps

I don't see the tramps on here

It's to the left, bottom left

No, no, it wasn't that, it was the correct way

It was upside

Like the man with the gun

like a pyramid would look

and on the first quadrant of it

it had a

darkened in circle inside

you know that's

straight up illuminati that's what i was i was like yeah fuck it's like the eye of wars or

something like that i don't want to be walking through that my way to my apartment did you cross

over or did you kind of walk around it i kicked at it i walked over it once and i didn't pay

attention uh last night on my way out came back to it and said hey one day what the fuck is this

shit and i was already kind of toasted so i kicked that and smudged it a little bit but it was really

dark it wasn't sidewalk chuck i don't think it was really dark on that motherfucker yeah it's

illuminati it was the ashes of a cat they drew with it i should have taken the fucking picture

doing like the witch like the craft and they were doing like you know witchcraft stuff or something

i mean i'm thinking is it a wiccan thing because i mean that's cool if you're a wiccan and like

you have the thing where you know when you come into the home you pass through the thing of the

the goddess okay that's great but i don't want to walk through it all right and that's not cool

to be putting shit like you should have showed them and pissed on it earlier well yeah no i mean

you gotta be no you gotta be respectful you gotta be civil at first because it's they're respectfully

like now no listen if they give me shit like i have right to do it's like motherfucker no you

don't we're in apartments and that's like a pup that's uh everyone's easement there into where we

live you can't do shit motherfucker or if you're gonna do it clean up after yourself yeah exactly

And I don't mind it like the

But here's the thing

It might not have been them because the Bhenchod kids

And the building next door

They play and maybe it was their sidewalk chalk

Maybe that's what it was

Maybe they're communicating with elders or something

I'll leave you with this advice

Shoot first and ask questions later

I'm just saying

If I see it

After the payments dry tomorrow

If I see it again I am going to go

Knock on wood and be like hey come on

So shoot the children

children were trying what no what if it was the parents doing it no no oh the there's the little

ending girl's like four years old she's so cute she cries every day that her dad leaves for work

she just says it's like she's like papa she's like crying he's like i'm coming back stupid

she's like a dog you know like oh my god you're leaving forever

dobby cries whenever my wife leaves he was doing it today again he picks up his toy in his mouth

up and just starts crying who is this uh davi the cat over here dude my cat was acting he's been

acting weird all day too yeah well davi always does that is something going on crack cocaine

hey we're getting ready to talk talk to each other and take over jurassic world uh anyway hey

let's do some prank calls do it yeah hey those kids before the prank call how like are they

toddlers like six seven or four like how old are they they're 67 and four oh wow what kids

The kids that drew the fucking weird shit

I don't know if they did

The devil eye

I think they're like middle aged

And I think it's too lesbian

Oh my god

No they're not kids

The kids aren't drawing the shit

It's the Wiccans I think they're Wiccans

And that's fine

All the whispers in the world

They'll still hear you

I think lunch lady said they were voodoo priests

Or something right

I don't want that shit

Now, I don't want to get into some shit because I kicked it either, all right?

You're bringing it around, man.

That's why I laughed a second ago.

Sorry I wasn't muted.

I think you're in some shit, to be honest.

I don't want to get into some shit with something,

and if that's the idea, tell me how to get out of that shit.

Whatever it is.

You have to get a triangle tattoo on your forehead.

I guess you need some Schleibach chalk and draw something really weird.

Yeah.

Well, you know someone put a Santeria curse on my mom and dad?

What?

Yeah, because one of the Santeria things is you take a coconut

and you open it up and you wrap it in foil

and you put two figurines for the people

you're cursing and you're supposed to leave it

near their house. So my dad's doing

yard work like, it was like six years

ago, and he finds a coconut

in foil and you know what he did?

He kicked it down the street.

That's not bad for me.

And my mom is like

my mom is old school Catholic

she's like, you fucking idiot. Do you know what you just did?

Like she believes in this shit

like she doesn't practice it but she believes

that these fucking

sanaria fuckers

do this shit all the time

he's like

I can't believe you did that

you know you fucking

you caused a curse on us

and all this stuff

and after that

my mom had a heart attack

my dad had a heart attack

and my mom died

and my dad

my dad's like

that's why

oh my god

that's why

I shouldn't have

kicked that coconut

yeah

crazy

yeah

that is crazy

that's weird

I think that

you're supposed to

go to the ocean

and throw yourself

back into the waves

five times

and that takes

curses off of you

in Puerto Rico

that's what they say

they say

if you're having

bad luck and stuff

go to the beach and let yourself fall backwards that kind of like if you're being baptized you

know in a river kind of like that's crazy you're supposed to do it five times into the ocean yeah

yeah so wait so um like over like where you guys are like being a catholic like you believe in

curses no my mom did because she's from puerto rico and over there is that because she's like

i've seen shit like i've seen shit i grew up seeing shit my family saw shit of these san

Santeria people, they would do shit.

Did she ever put curses on anybody else?

No, she was just Catholic.

My mom was not a Santeria practicer.

Fuck the sky.

Is that normal for people, though, to believe in a little Santeria and a little Catholicism?

Yeah, I knew people.

There were people in my family that practiced it.

Yeah, Santeria.

They have the little special figurines, Catholic figurines in their house, special ones.

And I have a cousin, like, three times removed.

move that now she always wears a white garment on sunday it's just a santeria thing you're supposed

to go to church but you go in a white garment so that they know you practice santeria and also

santeria is a mix of like um the african religions that were brought over from the slaves and

catholicism it all melded together in porter and all over the crib it's like voodoo and stuff too

yeah voodoo is a little more jamaican i think it turns i think it turns it all it's like goes in

and it tries to equally represent all of them.

Isn't that Haiti, too?

I think Haiti's a little more voodoo, yeah.

I think because they have a higher African descent,

as much Hispanic blood there.

It just depends on what's going on.

As much European blood, I mean.

I like saying Haiti in Spanish.

Haiti.

Yeah.

Yeah, I went to the Dominican Republic,

and they were just like,

don't fucking cross this line over to Haiti.

Oh, yeah.

They don't want you back in, that's why.

They don't.

they eat you like oh fresh meat well they have like tons of like diseases and stuff over there

and they got a lot of problems there man yeah lots of stuff they got millions of dollars that

were supposedly donated by the united states by america yeah that never did anything yeah

and they built six houses yeah it's fucking crazy shame that those people are still suffering you

know thanks bill clinton that was interesting that was he was taking the lead on that one

He's getting blowjobs.

Oh, I was thinking about when they had the last earthquake.

Yeah.

Who was the...

Bill Clinton was leading the effort.

Oh, it's still Obama.

I know, but Bill Clinton was leading the effort.

He was the...

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that Obama was using.

If I remember correctly, it was Bill Clinton and George Bush Sr., I thought.

Oh, yeah.

Because they also did the...

Did like a PSA or something.

They did the tsunami relief also together.

Anyway, this is Mata.

Yeah, we don't think about that stuff now.

People are still screwed over.

Hello?

Yeah, you're looking for some life vests?

Yeah, the vest, life vest?

Yeah.

Is it like the vest the man used for the jet skis?

Yeah, yeah, you put them on, you clip them.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How much are you selling it for?

Oh, you want them free? You want them free?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wanted to buy one.

Okay, I mean, but I was going to give them free.

But my son accidentally put it on free.

No, but I give free.

I give free for you because I want your son to have a happy birthday, you know?

Oh, wow.

How old is your son?

Well, one is seven.

Other one is 13.

Other one is 14.

Oh, wow.

Are they handsome?

Nah, I'm more handsome than them.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

That's nice.

Well, are you guys going to do some jet skiing together?

Well, actually, it's jet skiing in Newport and some kayaks.

Oh, wow.

That's good.

You all go out together, nice, hot, all four of you, all the men go out?

Yeah, yeah.

Something for the kids.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, do you take your shirt off?

Who, the kids?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, me, I mean, the son, huh?

And you too, right?

You take your shirt off?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, the boys go, not me.

Oh, you don't go?

You don't want to take your shirt off with them?

No, the boys, just for the boys.

So the boys take their shirts off?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, do they change their pants later?

Yeah, who does, man?

Oh, I'm just curious, because, yeah, I want to bring them to Lice Fest.

Where are they going to be?

I can see them with their shirts off

And give them the life vest for free

Yeah, yeah, yeah

They can just show me

How they're going to put them on

Have them take their shirts off

Put the life vests on

We'll see if they fit

And I'll adjust the sizes

I'll stand behind them

And adjust the shoulders

And reach around in the front

And adjust the pectoral muscles

Oh, yeah, yeah

I like the pectoral muscles, too

Yeah?

Do you like the pectoral muscles?

Yeah

Yeah.

They have nice pectorals?

Oh, yeah, man.

They got it.

Do you have one?

Oh, I have, yeah.

I have two pectoral muscles, one on each side.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

You want to see my muscles?

Oh, yeah.

I'll show you my muscles, too.

All right.

And you show me your muscles.

I'll show you mine, all right?

And we'll do frotting.

You know what frotting is?

Yeah, man.

Whatever, man.

Yeah, we can rub our dicks together.

Yeah, man.

Whatever, man.

I keep living your life strong.

Yeah.

You know, your kids probably do that.

they're like hey let's experiment you know we're sexual we know what the sexual things are like

and they put their little dicks together and they rub them they're like oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah

and then the 13 year old he probably uh fucked a mattress you know oh yeah yeah yeah you got it

you name them all boys try that you know you take the box spring and you you uh put a like a

grocery bag in between the box spring and the mattress and you oh yeah oh you must be experienced

You put some lube in the bag before you do that, though.

And then you put your hard dick in there and you fuck the bed.

Oh, yeah.

You're on to that.

Yeah, it's a hands-free masturbation technique.

Wow.

Awesome.

I use mayonnaise.

What do you use?

Huh?

I use mayonnaise.

What do you use?

How do I manage?

What do you use?

What do you use for liquid?

Oh, I use 100% aloe vera, lily of the desert.

It's the best lube out there.

Nah, man.

You can use mayonnaise.

You can use Miracle mayonnaise.

Miracle?

Oh, no.

No, that's Miracle Whip, and it's not mayonnaise.

It's actually salad dressing.

It is.

It says it on the bottle.

It's, no, put that shit on my sandwich, motherfucker.

Wow, really?

Yeah, I don't want that shit in my sandwich.

If I wanted salad dressing, I'd order a salad.

You give me some Hellman's.

Nah, man.

No, I don't want that shit in my sandwich.

Fucking Miracle Whip.

All right, anyone else want to talk to him?

He's just having fun with it.

Anyone?

Hey, man.

So your name's Mata?

Yes, my name is Mata, man.

whatever man hey man mata why you know what your name means it means like murder death kill why

are you looking for life vest oh really yeah in spanish it means mata like mata mosca mataron

like mata the rhythm you know ritmo yeah yeah yeah so why are you looking for life vest man

you're all about that death oh yeah i know yeah man when are you gonna die i don't know

Are you going to go with us?

This isn't Bill and Ted's, yo.

We're going to go together like the finale of Lost.

Or Seinfeld.

Hey, Mata.

I've got a penis-shaped life vest

just for you, big boy.

Hey, are you masturbating?

Yes, I am.

I wonder what I'm talking to your boyfriend.

What did you say?

I wonder what I'm talking to your boyfriend.

I'll bring the flavor in.

Are you already out?

Do a Jim Jones.

Hey, man, could you drink some Kool-Aid and see if it comes through your pee-pee?

Me'll go whip.

Nah.

Have you ever made your, like, urethra talk?

Hey, like that.

Hey, dude.

Come again?

Hey, pineapple juice, animal face.

Nah, that's not what I mean.

Hot dog.

If you drink the pineapple juice, your cum tastes like pineapple.

So you can please the men.

You can please the men.

Wow, really?

You can make, like, a pina colada out of cum and, like, coconut.

Hey, Coco Head, what's up?

Hey, Mata Coco, what's up?

Yeah, what's up, man?

You want to go swimming in the big pool, eh?

Oh, yeah, anything.

You want to go find Dr. Body Hunter?

Do you smoke those rocks?

Yeah, whatever.

Can we talk to the child?

Please.

They're too busy.

Either we can talk to him or they can shut the fuck up.

Yeah, what'd she say?

Has your child ever told you to shut the fuck up?

Nah.

You need to.

Sir, I don't mean to interrupt, but your kid sounds like a faggot.

You might want to get him checked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that why you talk like a faggot to me?

He gets that from the dad.

We're picking it up from you, dude.

I'm available for babysitting if you ever need someone to watch that little motherfucker.

You're a real horny for staying on the phone with me.

Does anyone ever laugh at your jokes, like for real, or just on the phone?

You're a fucking bunch of idiots.

I know masturbation is cool, but you shouldn't do it around your kids.

It's not cool.

Yeah.

See?

Wow.

I'm sure they'll grow up and learn it.

You're disgusting.

Did somebody masturbate you in the face?

Ask the 13-year-old if he masturbates.

Or can we ask him?

Did your mom teach you how to masturbate?

Why, have you been watching your brother?

No, I'm asking you.

Did your mom teach you how to masturbate with your nose?

Yep, silence is agreement, so I guess that's it.

I guess so.

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever called a Waffle House?

Ah, did your father do it?

Do you know what a Waffle House is, though?

Oh, cut down.

That was a funny joke

There he left, finally, Jesus Christ

Your dad called the Waffle House

Your mom wears boots

Cool

Talking to your boyfriend

Hey, we were just talking about this

In 93, Kraft developed MiracleWeb

Get this as a less expensive alternative to mayonnaise

Oh hey

You guys were talking the other day

You guys said the Hellmans

Best foods here

I prefer MiracleWeb

That's disgusting

Duke's is all over the place

Duke's is an independent brand from Hellman's

But it's good also, I checked out some Duke's

I don't know if you have it

Generally, if I'm going to do BLTs

I want Hellman's for that

But if I'm doing just a regular sandwich

I want Maracuja

Duke's tastes like the mayonnaise you get

From a restaurant

It's a mayo taste

But Hellman's has a really good

kind of lemony kind of aspect to it it's real i love helmets yeah helmets is my favorite duke

sometimes if i want to make a different type of whatever on the moon for i want some tubes

yeah listen so anyway look according to craft um craft they developed the product in-house using

a patented emulsifying machine they call the miracle web hence the name of the product it was

a broad uh the uh blend blending mayonnaise and less expensive salad dressing also known as boiled

Boiled dressing.

Now, that sounds disgusting.

What's boiled dressing?

Let's look that up.

I don't think there's any dairy in, like, Cool Whip.

That must be it, right?

Just oil.

No egg, you think, maybe?

I think there's egg in there.

There's egg in it.

I didn't go to egg school, you know.

Boiled dressing is known as a cheap southern salad dressing.

Huh.

Look at that.

I had no idea.

It's consistency.

Here's the recipe for it.

Egg yolks, flour, sugar, salt, dry mustard, milk.

vinegar, unsalted

butter, and that's it.

And a little bit of cold water.

So it sounds almost like mayonnaise. I guess not

though. And they add some more spices

apparently. They add about

20 spices, right? 20

different spices are also added.

So there you go.

The best part about Cool Whip is the

nitrous. Has nitrous

in it? Yeah, the tin. You're going from Miracle Whip

to Cool Whip now? Oh no, not that kind.

Cool Whip comes in the little container.

The plastic one. Ready Whip

comes in the... In the thing, yeah.

In the Reddy Whip. Reddy Whip's the one

you put on the pussy before you eat it.

You guys are American.

That's when you put it inside the pussy.

We get it in the... Wait up, wait up.

I was just going to show Dark

Stranger. Seriously, you don't get it in the

container? Yeah, you get it in the tub.

Reddy Whip is the one that comes

in the can. Yeah, the one you can do whippets with.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

What you do, Carly, you put the nozzle inside the pussy

and it makes it taste better.

Oh, God. You top it.

You have to put sugar in it for it to taste good.

And you fuck it and you cream pie in it.

That's a cream pie cheat.

Then you make another guy eat it.

Then you make the husband eat it after you do it to the wife.

He's watching.

Or you call him up afterwards after she's blown in.

That's my dick taste.

Sick fucking fantasies, yo.

Hey, let's listen to more Mel Gibson.

If you weren't masturbating before, by God, you are now.

Ooh, it stays better.

That's all right now.

i did not blame you what what i didn't blame you last night i wasn't i wasn't doing anything

i wasn't gonna say about any earlier today it's just i was gonna say about last night that's all

we were supposed to go to jacuzzi and you said you have to wait for something you said i'm afraid

afraid it's dark outside i just waited for you i waited and waited till i fell asleep and then

what i deserve to be blown in the fucking jacuzzi

he's complaining but he didn't try to wake her up and get blown he said he should have

he should have just fucked her mouth while she was sleeping yeah do you ever wake someone up like

Blow me

And say that

Blow me

This is your dick out

Blow me

It's five in the morning

You just shove it

You just shove it in there

You just fucking shake

You just fucking

Stumbling drunk

From some Hollywood bar

She shakes

She shakes her

She's wiping her eyes

Like I don't know what

Blow me

You should blow me

Right now

Stick that in your mouth

What

Oh my god

He's so crazy

How dare you

Everyone needs that blowjob

How dare you

God

I think he's like

manifesting something

I don't know

You need

You need medication

I have triggers

in every time

Is this not

We're sure this is

not a movie right

It's his next audition

I just want my daughter

It's

Yes

It's

What is it

Ransom 2

Yeah

I just want my daughter

You just have a sexy maid

You know

Your daughter

Do we have more numbers

I think we do

Let me look

Yeah

Oh, yeah. We've got plenty of numbers.

Plenty of numbers here.

That IC said, bring me back my son!

Bring me back my son!

Ransom!

I was all thinking Lethal Up, but I forgot he did other stuff.

All right, Roger.

Roger, oh, he's saying it's sold.

He had an upright piano that was sold.

Does anyone want to complain that it's been sold, or we'll move on?

I just thought he was pretentious because he kept putting, it's sold, it's sold.

I'm like, if it's sold, take the ad down.

yeah we don't need the update just take the fucking head down just tell him take it down

please just ask him if it's sold yet yeah keep asking for it but it's a soul you guys do that

because i gotta go do some stuff real quick that's why i keep asking like when they're like

oh it was somebody came and got it then why the fuck is the ad still up okay try to stretch it

out stretch it out guys come on as soon as soon as i sell something on craigslist or i know someone's

coming to get it, I fucking take the ad down.

If it falls through, I'll put the ad back up.

I think you should talk to him, Dwight.

You don't sell stuff on Craigslist.

You don't sell anything.

I sold a lawnmower, riding a lawnmower the other day.

Rules of Craigslist.

Was it broken, huh?

No, it was running.

Be right back.

Keep the calls going if you want.

You have reached Duke, Daisy, and Girly Girl.

We're sorry any time available.

You're shitting me.

You're crapping my balls, yo.

Duke, Daisy, and Girly Girl.

Hey, while he's gone, Dashie, go ahead and dial up Howard.

It sounds like dog names.

Come on, Dwight.

Now that he's away, let's talk shit.

I'm not even going to ask Howard about the room.

I'm just going to straight up tell him I'm going to fuck him in the volcano and see what he says.

As soon as he picks up the phone.

Excellent.

This will give Carlito a little bit of time.

Uh, what happened?

It's a silent ring.

Be silent.

Hello.

I'm going to fuck you in the volcano, you son of a bitch.

You understand me?

I think you get the wrong number.

No, I don't think I do.

I don't think you got the right number.

You know, nobody ever talks to me this way.

Why is that?

You know.

Yeah.

Listen, I'll come over there and beat your dick for you, old man.

I would like that.

I know you would because you're a homo.

I understand.

I would like to shove it down your throat.

What if I put it in my ass?

In a posse-looking fucking bitch with you, too.

You understand, you fucking puke

You fucker

You make me hungry to wish I could put my hands around your throat

Call it a bitch

And take you to a volcano

And soak your ass in a volcano

Hey, man, shut up

Who are you calling a fucking bitch?

You fucking punk

Why don't you go take your fucking mother and father

And go fuck them

And go back to where you come from

Go back to where you come from

You fucking dirty ass

I'd like to...

Hey, shut up.

I'm a different person.

You never talked to me before.

I'm your friend.

I'm your friend, sir.

You were that, you fucking pig, you...

You did, was it guys with you?

My husband here demanded me to...

I'm going to bake you some cookies.

I'm going to bring you cookies.

You fucking...

You understand me, you fucking

queer. You dirty

fuckers. You dirty

fucking white trash.

You fuckers brought the disease to

Hawaii. You understand

me, you fucking whores.

How you fucking whores.

Get off my island.

Get up and deport yourself, fuckers.

You guys getting a keycard

calling my dad? Yeah.

Huh?

It's how we do it.

You need a fucking Mountain View gym right now, bro.

I told you in the lava, bro.

Right now, bro.

Hey, you fucking say it right now.

Time for a dip in the volcano.

I'll be waiting out there.

Ask for Mildred.

You know, the volcano's angry at you.

Ask for Mildred.

I'll be there.

You guys let me cry.

You make the volcano angry.

You guys can live all you guys want, but you guys not hurting my feelings.

Volcano gods are pissed off at you.

You guys not hurting my feelings, bro.

You should sacrifice yourselves.

I miss you guys Volcano Park, Mountain View Park, right now.

Give me your cell number, bitch.

I want to make sure you show up.

What is that?

Give me your number.

I just want to make sure that you show up.

It's all good, bro.

I already called the cops.

No, I didn't.

Did you get your fucking number, too?

You know God's demand an asshole number?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you wanted to play with me.

You guys like me right now?

Hey, hey.

We're nice people.

You guys know me being fucking queers.

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys can call all you guys like and lip and lip and lip, but that does nothing, bro.

He does that, man.

It does nothing.

Who's that guy in the back there?

It does nothing, bro.

You guys got any fucking balls?

Meet me in the park, bro.

Let me talk to you in the background.

Hey,

supposed to shut the fuck up.

Hey, who's that guy yelling?

What?

Who's yelling in the background?

None of your fucking beeswax.

That's his fucking boyfriend.

He's going to suck his dick.

Yeah, he sounds like a bitch.

Bring all your faggots, bro.

All you guys.

Line up, bro.

Lick you guys one by one.

How long is that same time you like?

Hey man, did we disturb bath time?

Sorry.

Fuck, come on now. Let's be real.

Let's be real.

Are you the type of person that has to be lifted out by a woman?

Let's be real.

You two, you stupid cunts.

I'm going to suck that big dick of yours, you sexy motherfucker.

You better, motherfucker.

You sound like your mom didn't love you.

Turns out he sounds like this.

He said your mom didn't love you.

You sound like a fucking dumb gay.

Listen, Howie Jr., you sound like a drunk buddy.

You guys are wasting my time, bro.

Unless you're going to meet me, bro, don't bother calling this number, okay?

Let's go, bitch.

Let's do it.

I don't have fucking time for you fucking dumb hollies.

I'm going to pop, pop, pop you.

Listen, she'll beat your ass.

She'll beat your ass like a man.

Yeah, I'll do girlfriend.

Give me a fucking mountain, Newport, bro.

Give me a call.

When you get here.

Take your ass.

Let me hear.

What's your number?

What's your number, Howie Jr.?

Yeah.

I'm over that with you.

He, he, he, he.

You're comedians over here.

Hey, you fucking queer, you.

Why don't you fuck your mom or somebody?

All right, go to your mom's house.

Hide in behind one.

Go fuck the volcano.

You fucking punk, you.

You motherfucker, you.

You know how many fucking hours you get to fuck off the island?

My mom's a saint.

Don't talk about my mom.

You fucking whore.

You fucking do-do.

You fucking whore.

You sound pretty hot.

I'm gonna find you!

Oh, you're still doing it for me.

Damn pig!

Oh, yeah.

You ass bastard, you!

Keep going, Howard the Duck!

Hey, stupid.

Fuck you, you fucking poo!

I waste too much time talking to you, shit!

Fuck you, you fucking poo-cup!

Hey, wait. Stay.

Shit.

You understand, you fucking T-shirt?

I'm gonna put a poo-cup in your ass!

Fuck yourself, you motherfucking gunner!

And that you don't show your face.

You're a fucking coward.

This is a recording of a fucking machine.

Coward.

I mean, it's just a coward.

So you feel sweet, now?

Really?

Yeah, you think we are.

Excuse me, sir.

This is Richard from the Aboriginal Council of America.

How are you doing tonight?

Good.

Damn.

Hey, fuck you.

I'm going to have the cops chasing you, fucking coward.

Don't you have any more insults, dumbass?

So I can put your balls up your whinies here.

You understand me?

The police are tricking us.

Oh, no.

Please don't do that.

And you're a fucking bitch that you got to fucking listen to you talk to good people, huh?

You understand me, you fucking bitch?

Oh, yeah, because you've been so polite.

You've been so good.

You're good.

Oh, you asshole.

You work too much.

You fucking whore.

What do you drink at?

You really want to make me save Hawaii.

Yeah.

I'm a real M.A.S.E. guy.

And everyone in Pearl Harbor was near you.

Fuck off.

What are you doing?

You fucking white trash.

I've been here until today.

You fucking white trash.

You understand me?

I've been getting some of your calls from you fuckers.

I'm Samoan.

You understand me?

I'm from Samoa.

Mahalo.

You smoke that ice?

It's better. Samoa's better than Hawaii.

Do you have a heart attack?

What is that?

Are you dead yet?

Samoa better.

Who the heck is over here, bro? You don't even know I'm bad.

Round three.

I took your fucking hand first off.

Let's do this. Round three.

Fly to the volcano.

Yeah.

Tell him, Mel.

Hey, you want to come with us on a trip?

We'll go to the big hole in New Zealand.

We can jump in.

Oh, my God.

Huh?

Okay.

Well, that's how you extend the call there, Carlito.

Oh, yeah.

You guys down to do more calls?

I am.

Let's go.

So what did I miss?

Just a Howard call or was there more?

Oh, hey, Carlito.

Howard going crazy.

Oh, hey, what's up, Baz?

I like how Carlito said, hey, make sure you stretch out the call.

My motherboard was DOA, Carlito.

No.

That sucks.

Yep.

I narrowed it down today.

That sucks.

So you got it on the way?

I'm going to return it tomorrow.

You're RMA-ing it?

All right.

No, I got it at Fry's.

I'll just take it in and swap it out for a new one.

Even better.

Off the shelf.

Even better.

There you go, boy.

So you did figure it out, huh?

Just got back.

Yeah, yeah.

I narrowed it down today.

I went in and I took the CPU back.

They gave me a new one that they tested and it posts.

And still the same thing.

And then I tested my power supply.

It's good.

So it's got to be the motherboard.

It's got a short in it or something.

The motherfucker board.

Fucking motherboard.

Yep.

The motherfucker you.

All right, listen.

We got a small elephant keychain for sale.

Small elephant keychain.

I'm going to make that mother come in front of me.

Elephant keychain?

Oh, we need to find the Nintendo 64 guy

and fucking call him up.

The N64 keychain?

Yeah.

You are not a real gamer. You are a cheater.

But is it just a N64 logo?

Or is it the games on the keychain?

I think it's a licensed keychain.

and he's really high on his video games

and shit and he gets really pissed

because you guys started talking about using

Game Genie or some shit and he's like

all you motherfuckers are cheaters

dude Dwight straight up call him back

if you have the number and tell him that you're

watching the Nintendo battle today

and you want the N64

keychain see if he knows about

Nintendo that much

nevermind am I the only one

geeking out on Nintendo no no

Nintendo's fine

Nintendo's fine.

I'm just waiting for Callerific.

Did Callerific go cock-a-hock?

How much are they selling the keychain for?

Like a fucking quarter?

I don't understand.

I don't know.

He's just really picky with who he's going to sell it to.

Like, dude, it's a fucking keychain.

Wow.

Seriously.

Just give it to a kid or something.

What are you doing?

He just wants to talk to people.

There we go.

I was putting it in the Baz chat.

Between me and Baz.

Not this one.

What the fuck, Baz?

It's my fault.

It's your Baz in the testimony.

Well, yell at Baz.

Yell at Baz.

Volcano.

The Volcano.

Curly, though, I didn't realize what your Skype name meant.

Did you just realize it?

Yeah.

Not too long ago.

It's crazy.

Does it make you upset or sad?

Ooh, that's a dirty message you sent me, Curly, though.

You have to be Duke, Daisy, and Curly Girl.

We're sorry, Annie is not a girl.

Curly Girl.

It's the people with the dog names.

Duke, Daisy, and Curly Girl.

I retry.

Hello.

You have to be Duke.

I was fooled.

Dark Stranger, you used Lily of the Desert for your hair.

Yes, I just showed you.

The same, the lube stuff?

I don't think it would work very well as lube.

Maybe it's just different.

No, when Katie Kay fucked a tranny on the Stern Show,

that's what she said she was going to use.

It was Lily of the Desert, whatever I said it was.

She used some coconut oil.

Oh, coconut oil for that?

Yeah, then you smelled it.

Yeah, that shit's boss, man.

Hey, I meant to ask, Dark Stranger,

because you're into natural stuff,

stuff um tooth teeth oil pulling for teeth have you tried it have you looked into it at all any

oh i've put it in my mouth before it seems to take everything out it does does it work oh sorry

the oil i guess i guess it's like flossing oh yeah all right you just put coconut oil and just

leave it in just slosh it around it just it doesn't taste gross i've never had it before oh

it's good i cook with it coconut oil is good to cook with it basically you know what coconut oil

oil is if you've ever had the movie theater uh popcorn butter where they put butter on it it's

the same stuff as if they put a little bit of coloring in it but that's that's what it is

coconut oil it's very buttery it's not real buttery eggs taste eggs taste really good like

i love making scrambled eggs with coconut oil you want to get the virgin coconut oil though

another one's weird it doesn't smell like coconut it's good stuff though you will like coconut oil

Hey so we're good on that then

That's it we talk about the oil pulling

Dark Stranger says try it

Thumbs up from Dark Stranger

Pull what?

Oil pulling it's a country India

Process of

Pull impedance

No no no tooth hygiene

You would put oil in your mouth

And switch it around and spit it out

After a few minutes

And it's supposed to pull all the crap from in between your teeth

You know

Now, it makes your teeth a little whiter.

Did you have any whiteness come up, Dark Stranger?

I don't know.

I've been...

I've tried that.

...have a lot of coffee.

Yeah, I was going to say, I know you're...

Have you tried that, Dark Stranger?

I just slosh it around and, like, blow it through your teeth.

Mm.

It fixes cavities, too.

Keep going.

Can you make a video of that?

I want to see you do it.

Coconut oil is like a miracle.

That's good for your hair, too.

I heard about that.

This generation's miracle whip.

coconut oil sandwich

yeah why not man

coconut oil sandwich

dip your bread in coconut oil

alright next number

where am I

wonder what would happen

if you mixed it like

in a milkshake or something

um

yeah

that'd be kind of gross

it's good for you

so

but I mean you have to

I mean if you just

ingest a lot of oil

you're gonna get the shits

I mean it's just cause

oil going through your system

ew

oily shits gross

yeah

remember those chips

that had like

elestra

shit

oh my god

I found out about those

the hard way

Yeah, those came out like the month that I moved out for college.

And Mike, my roommate, he bought a whole bag and just went rawr, rawr, rawr, hit them all.

And he had to shit really bad our first week in our apartment.

Doesn't that happen with like sugar-free gummy bears?

Yeah, I can't.

Yeah, it's the sorbitol.

Anything that's got sorbitol as a sweetener will give you really bad diarrhea.

I get really bad gas.

I really don't get the diarrhea, but the gas.

Well, if you ate enough of it, it would transition from gas to liquid.

Because I remember, you know those Trident sugarless mints?

I ate four rolls of those when I was a kid one time, and I wished I hadn't.

Yeah, sorbitol, man.

But you can develop, I don't know what I'm saying, a non-resistance to sorbitol.

Tolerance, yes.

To sorbitol.

And I had once at one point, and I didn't use it for a long time, and now I'm getting it again now.

And I'm like, I'd rather not have it.

And I miss it.

I love gummy bears.

So what I do is I have a few of the regular gummy bears now.

Just a few.

Like, I'll have a pinch.

And that's a way better experience than having the sugar-free ones, I'll tell you what.

So you can eat a little sugar and you're okay?

Yeah, because I'm doing a good job with, you know, my carb intakes and stuff like that.

And I actually do better, yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, I do that.

Just a little bit.

pinch them like this sexy gummy bears i pinch them all the way you know my whole my whole my

whole palm that's like you know what you should get seriously the 7-eleven gummy bears are

seriously probably the best gummy bears ever really yeah okay do you like the gummy bears

like with that kind of like thick kind of like layer or like they're kind of um like kind of

a matte finish or do you like them kind of glossy i like them kind of glossy yeah then you either

Either Target or 7-Eleven.

Okay.

Now you know.

And also, I recommend, if you're a gummy fan, I learned this in Florida, living in Florida once.

I left a package of gummy bears unopened in my car, and the heat of the day melted it into a big melty mess.

So I brought it inside and left it at room temperature, and it turned into a big gummy patty all mixed up.

That's awesome.

It was like eating a little mini, like a slider burger sized patty of gummy goodness.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, gruel.

We used to put them in the campfire.

Okay.

All right.

Sacrifice.

But anyway, I guess leave them in your car if you live in a hot area in the summer.

Leave them in your car.

Maybe you can warm them up somehow just to get it all gooey and let them cool off.

Man, I should have done that today.

It was so fucking hot here.

Yeah.

Look, the sun was burning our faces off.

I swear to God.

Yeah.

I remember my mom saying,

don't eat you're gonna get sick like mom how am i gonna get sick because they're mixed up and i

mean it's that's what's gonna happen in my belly mom's like mom you're going to get sick she would

tell me not to mix cold like uh soda fountain flavors when i go to the gas station because

it would be suicide well yeah it's like my wife she'll freak out like if you have food that's

still warm says no it has to cool down before you put it in the fridge i don't see how that's

It's not going to make any difference.

I only know from being a chick and putting food in the fridge too soon,

like in your refrigerator, and you have the glass shelving.

It can actually break the shelving because it's too hot, too cold.

Oh, you don't want to put piping hot on a glass shelving.

Right.

I mean, that's what I think of when it's like, let it cool down for a little bit.

Yeah, a little.

Or put some paper towels under it maybe, you know?

Or just some kitchen towels.

Maybe it's important for a pack-pack maybe.

Yeah.

i put a slice of pizza on the plate apparently it was for show and it was like gold plated and

i put that motherfucker in the microwave yeah that was not a good idea at all i've seen that

before i had a um one of my cousins she was it was like her first daughter and they were like oh

let's just heat up some food or whatever so they like use these like disneyland type of plates

that were i think they had some gold plating or something oh shit that thing was lighting up on

fire it was crazy and i didn't mean to it was just like i had no idea i broke a microwave when

I was like nine because I had a juice box that was frozen, and I said, oh, leave it in the microwave and melt it.

Is it okay to microwave this YouTube show?

Yeah, well, I put it in there, and I remember leaving it in there for two minutes, and I pulled out.

It was still frozen.

I'm like, that's weird.

It needs more time.

I put it in for like 10 minutes, and yeah, it didn't heat it up because it was completely covered in foils.

All I did was screw up the microwave and do nothing.

so yeah and then like i tried to make popcorn and they wouldn't make it i'm like oh no

left over pizza is good cooked on a frying pan oh yeah so it's not mushy yeah left over ham is

good like like after thanksgiving or something you gotta pan fry that motherfucker i've never

tried a frying pan actually i've never thought to do that you never used a frying pan put a little

cover over it like a pizza oh yeah because what you want for pizza you want like it's got to be

blazing hot you know like a pizza oven like i know people that well i've seen people online

that what they do is they put their ovens they make them get stuck on the cleaning cycle which

is the hottest they go and that's what they do for their homemade pizza that shit is crazy hot

yeah yeah that's that's the way i cook it on the grill when i can pretty good see i've never had

grilled pizza i heard it's good never had it though so what do you do you just lay it on the

the grill and warm it up no no no i what i do i put two pans down because i can't i can't get the

temperature ever right so i can't have it sitting directly on and i know that because i've burnt

like three before i actually had one that i could that was edible okay okay that's that's what i do

but if you have a girl that you can control the temperature um yeah good to go just get it 350

and throw that motherfucker on the charcoal and good to go man just watch it and don't burn it

also brie cheese you just put that in some foil and throw it on the grill yeah brie really

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Another good thing, you take a banana, you peel a banana, you put that inside, wrap it in foil,

and then you put that in like a campfire, if you have a campfire,

and you pull it, and like the nice warm banana tastes really good.

You can also put the banana, just peeled banana chunks in a cup or a mug and mash them a little and then microwave them.

Yeah, I used to do that a lot.

Apple's good, too.

Yeah, is it?

Wrap apple up in foil, put it right in the fire.

You told them about the new show, the cooking with Coralito and Baz, right?

Oh, I was just talking.

Campfire cooking.

In the summer, another thing I do, I'd be at home alone all day when my mom and dad weren't at work and I needed to survive.

So yeah, I would do that banana thing, microwave pieces of bananas, like sliced bananas.

I'd mash them up, and then I would put that into the freezer in a bowl until it freezed.

and then you eat that like you would a popsicle or something.

Kind of like ice cream, isn't it?

Yeah, kind of.

Gelato.

And it was always a little brown, you know.

I was like, fuck it, I don't care.

You know, it's banana.

We should call UK people and tell them these stories.

Okay.

Do we have UK numbers?

We can get them real easily from Dash.

Yeah, he's been spamming some.

He's had a whole bunch.

He sends them to everybody.

He does.

He's like, someone tell him.

Don't be fooled, Lama.

Pay attention, pay attention.

He's just picking on Lama because Lama's new.

So he's just like, I can get a hold of Lama.

He's our drum major.

Everybody else just ignores him.

He's always been a drum major.

Oh, no, no, no.

It was in the RRC, right, I thought?

Yeah.

Or was it in the...

I don't remember.

Not formatted.

Damn it.

Listen, so telephone.

Corded telephone.

Plug-in telephone.

Good working condition.

$50.

God damn.

If it's an old rotary one, I can see it.

It's a Wendy the Pooh one.

That's why.

Jesus.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

That one's creepy.

Ew.

Uh-huh.

Okay, let's...

I'm not going to talk about that story right now.

Here it is.

If anyone wants it, take it.

gas gas hello we are not a video oh hello hello hello hi hi hi this is mina i'm calling about

that poo phone the what the poo phone oh something on craigslist yeah what was that again you were

calling about it's the poo phone oh you mean the little uh chair no it's the winnie the poo phone

oh i see yeah yeah yeah i still have it yes okay cool um yeah so like does it work well it it was

It was like a novelty because, you know, it's so outdated.

Nobody uses that type of phone anymore, yeah.

So actually, I'm using it from my mom, and it was mostly as a decoration.

I'm sure she did mention that it did work at one time.

I noticed that the connection from, you know, the wire that goes to the part that you talk in.

The poo part?

Oh, no, not the body, but the phone itself, the receiver.

Okay, so the part that, okay.

Okay.

But I don't think it's that big of a deal.

It can be fixed, or it works, I'm sure, but I just noticed that the connection isn't.

Nina, can I ask him a question about the phone?

Yeah, my husband wants to ask a question about the Poo phone.

Yeah, so is the Poo phone, so it's like a little version of Winnie the Pooh?

Is it the receiver that's Poo-shaped?

Well, actually, it's where, you know, it's an old-style phone.

It's not like a modern-day phone.

it has a body that's really decorative, and I think that is why my mom held on to it.

Okay, because I've got an Eeyore phone, and the Eeyore phone is anatomically correct,

and I want it to be able to dock with the Poo phone.

So, you know, the Eeyore phone has got a penis, and I want to dock it into the anus of the Poo phone.

Is that possible?

Wait, no, I'm not sure what you're saying.

What about, you want to do, you want to, you know,

know like how the picture is yeah a dial and and the phone sits on like a tree yeah and it has that

receiver the old handheld receiver but it is within dial i mean it's not like yeah the real

real old kind where you would stick your finger in and you would have oh stick the finger you

could stick your finger in no no no it's actually button oh it looks like the dial that you could

put your finger in the pool in the pool hole um well you know when you're looking at the picture

there's the can you see where i'm looking at it right now right next to it is where you dial

that's the dial and um i have a lot of stamina because i haven't got there quite yet i'm still

looking at the phone so there's been training wires yeah it's just you know a matter of lining

Oh, fuck.

Can I still poo-poo in my mouth?

Are you bothered, honey?

I'm just wondering, what's at the bottom of the area, you know, where it has the dialing thing?

What is that?

There's like a brown smudge.

Well, actually, they're around the base, and the green part is like he's sitting on grass.

And right behind him is a tree stump.

That's where the phone receiver sits.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, so then the numbers are coming out, but what's below the numbers?

Right below the numbers, it's some kind of...

Oh, my God.

Oh, so it turtles.

It snaps back up there?

No, no, it's not a turtle.

Let me take a good look at it.

I love turtles.

It's not a turtle?

Oh, man.

The poodle snap turtle?

It's in a plastic bag right now, so let me see.

Oh, my God.

I bet it smells.

No.

Oh, it's a honeypot.

Oh, my God.

The part where you would dial is actually a honeypot.

Oh, I thought he had poo on his finger.

Honeypot.

It's honey.

Can you give him a dirty Sanchez?

Yeah, honey.

It looks like he's using a middle of the finger, but it's actually honey that's on his finger.

He's giving him the finger?

Hmm?

He's giving him the finger, he said?

Oh, no, no, no.

It looks like it, because there's honey, and it's translucent like that.

Which finger did he use?

You mean like pre-cum?

And how many fingers?

There is no fingers, because the way the doll is made, it's just like honey on his whole hand, and it's dripping.

Oh, honey whole hand. I know her.

So he fisted the honey pot?

Honey whole hand is hot.

So there's a honey pot, and...

She used to do every guy back in the playground behind the bleachers in high school.

Hey, did you ever lick the hand?

No.

Oh, okay.

You should try it. It's pretty hot.

Do you think it'd make a good car phone?

phone well i don't know um as i said my mom had taken a keen interest in it and now she's willing

to let it go did she have to get rid of it because she's a diabetic yeah no no she's gonna it looks

sugary and sweet that's why i asked sir i i need to ask you um how many dicks did your mother suck

for this phone for real yeah it happened does it have a charger does the charger work no this is

It's just something that you would plug into the wall.

But it's not wireless, right?

It has a wire?

It has a cable?

Yeah, a wire that goes through the phone into the wall.

To charge it.

To turn it on.

I think you're selling your mom's things for drug money.

Okay.

So.

Yeah, this is a 3G or LTE.

You don't have to sell your mom's stuff.

3G or 4G LTE?

My friend here will help you out if you're looking for ice.

And we're going to have to talk to your mom before we buy it.

because what if you're just trying to steal her stuff, you know, for drug money?

You're trying to fence her?

Yeah, you don't have to sell her stuff for drug money.

Yeah, don't fence her stuff for heroin.

I mean, I've got a cup of liquid PCP.

It's in a McDonald's cup.

I'll give it to you.

Can you just drink it?

You can't just drink that.

My husband will fuck you and, you know, give you a bit of ice, too, if you want that.

Oh, yeah, what's your address?

We're on Papipi Road by Ewa Beach.

You know Ewa Beach?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're on Papepe Road, Ewa Beach.

There's a bunch of us for just lying around right now.

Come over.

763, Papepe Road.

You want to meet at the volcano?

Howard's going to meet us there.

We're over here by the Taco Bell and the Pizza Hut on Papepe Road.

Hello.

Hello, Kanaka.

Yeah, I want to put three fingers in your mother's honey pot.

Fuck yeah.

That fucking poo.

Who does he think he is anyway?

Stealing the fucking bee's honey all the time?

you know he's just stealing their fucking they work hard to make that honey collecting and his

they depend on it his big survival badass like oh i gotta eat i want some honey this is my favorite

thing right here let me steal the fucking honey oh it's just uh christopher robbins hallucination

none of it's real it's fucking bullshit though but

he's still cute he's died you know how many

bees died because they didn't have their honey exactly who steals it so he doesn't have to sell

all his mom's things.

Well, seriously,

how many currently

developing larvae

are getting killed

while he's in there

breaking through,

stealing their honey

and nectar and all that?

He probably likes

the royal jelly, too.

He's just stealing it

so he doesn't have

to pay honey tax.

He has to get out

of that honey hole.

The honey hole.

And then one of his

friends, Eeyore,

I don't think anybody wants to.

Well, one of his friends,

Eeyore, is stuck

having to eat thistles

with thorns on them.

He can't...

I'm sure Eeyore

would love to have

a little bit of honey.

He's always losing the tail.

Well, Pooh gives him the honey

when you were docks with him.

Docks?

No, but Pooh's a criminal.

He's a fucking criminal.

Dwight's diabetic as well.

That's what I heard.

Oh, dang. Awkward.

You have to lay off that honeypot.

You gotta wash them legs. Dwight, I'm telling you.

Dwight, come on.

You really should be stretching before you sit down

for a long time or laying down for sleep.

Make sure you take a look at your toes now

Now and then, you know, if you get a cut or something.

Yeah.

Don't just stretch your dick.

Don't lose those toes.

You gotta poke them, see if you got feeling in there.

Yeah, you don't want to lose those toes.

Yeah.

Serious business.

You have to stretch all your legs, Dwight, okay?

Dwight.

Yeah.

Is he upset?

Are you guys saying that shit?

He put, uh-huh.

He's going to walk around.

He's in a stretch sesh right now.

Stretching right now.

Stretching it.

Stretching my groin.

Instead of, I'm stroking it or rubbing it, I'm stretching it.

Yeah.

Hey, warm out Gibson. Yeah, I mean you can still feel it

Hung up on him again. Oh my god

That's it. That's what makes him mad cuz she just hangs up on him and that makes some people true just fucked it

Yeah, I hung up on milkman once and he called by say you fucking hell. Oh, yeah

People won't shut up

My mom was arguing and pissing me off, and I just hung up.

And she comes up and says, are you hanging up, huh?

You hanging up?

Like, yes, ma'am.

And she's like, all right, fine.

Well, you have a good life.

I'm never going to bother you again.

Who is this?

My mom.

Oh, that's me.

She sounds funny.

Oh, she was a trip.

She was a handful, dude.

A character.

She was, yeah, shit.

All right, yeah.

We had so many stories.

Love out to your mom.

We had so many stories for the funeral.

We had a lot of fun talking about how she'd chimp out on us all the time.

Is your dad still around, Carlito?

Yeah, he's an asshole, though.

Hell yeah, Carlito's mom.

All my family on my mom's side, they all love me.

Hey, let's prank call your dad.

No.

No, leave him alone.

He's going to have a heart attack.

He's going to know it's me anyway.

He knows about the show now.

Mel gives some phone rant for it.

Let's play a little bit, and we'll continue with some more prank calls.

Does he not approve?

He can disprove what he wants.

I don't care.

Don't hire him.

I don't think he cares.

Well, I'll pay her myself.

I found her.

She's my...

My dad thinks it's hilarious.

Dad, she thinks he has Howard's cell phone number.

That's my money that she paid with.

If I need to use her, I will use her.

Because I will not pay you.

Okay, then I'll pay her.

Because I need her.

She's good.

Why does she remain so calm?

No matter what you give her, it's my fucking money.

You made me moneyless.

I used to have $100,000 a year when you met me.

You took me.

You possessed me.

Everything I am, you owe me.

with my liver and my kidneys

and my thoughts and my soul

everything, my career

or whatever it is

liver and kidneys, did she give up

her liver and kidneys for this guy?

no, I think he's just saying that basically

she's felt that she's been

owned by him, like everything

she has is up, you know, she owes it to him

yeah, she's Russian, right?

yeah, they say some weird stuff to those Russian

girls when they're mad, don't they?

pathetic career, whatever it is

is yours you control me like marionette i don't belong to myself only to you i can't do anything

and i walk on the eggshells always with you that's because you're a fucking user

right there i think i think that was one conversation being spliced in with another

to be honest with you really yeah i don't belong to myself only to you i can't do anything and i

i walk on the eggshells always with you that's because you're up no i'm using a b fine she's

okay don't pay her that's okay okay don't pay her she's there's nothing to do at your house

baby's here baby is where i am you're insane you're insane nice to fight over a fucking maid

Make her known and fire her.

Fine.

I'll report her to the fucking people that take money from the wetbacks.

Mel, you can't just take a woman who gives you a child who gives you the entire life.

Did you say wetbacks, motherfucker?

Yeah.

I never heard anti-Hispanic from him until now.

Hey, man.

Oh, I did.

Mel, baby is where I am.

You are insane.

I love her accent.

Fine.

Mel, you can't just take a woman who gives you a child, who gives you the entire life.

You drag her through God knows what bad press.

I've never had a bad word said about me in my entire life.

And then, and then you're telling me, and then you're telling me that you take away whatever pennies that you've just given to me.

I don't have anything because I've given you my life three years now.

What did I use you for?

I've given you everything I had.

I've given you everything.

I've been your woman.

I've given your child.

child what the fuck are you talking about i swear in front of god i never have i am not the whore

and i'm not the bitch and i'm not the cunt and i'm not the user and i'm not the thief

and all those words and i'm not a liar all this all this lies all this lies i'm not a whore or

cunt or thief or prostitute or anything that you call me i'm not a user not a gold digger i don't

have any money and no property assigned to me that's a gold digger for you are you insane yes

you are of course we can hear that because you scream nothing but a gold digger don't call me

bitch don't call me you have no right don't call me bitch all right we'll play a little bit of that

later we'll finish it i think she's a bitch i don't think so i don't know much of her you know

she seems calculated but when it's a child involved this is a great area and if he hit her well

well, she was holding their child.

That's bad.

No, no, Belle, no.

You know, bad.

Well, just even talk to somebody like that.

That's crazy.

Yeah, especially someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with

as the mother of your child.

Of course.

Let it go, let it go.

But he's mad.

He's mad, obviously, right?

Yeah, man, you can hear it, too.

It's been a bad relationship, and I think there's a point.

Sometimes in a man, when they get into those bad relationships,

shit it's hard like you just you lose it you lose it yeah

yeah when you're angry say lots of shit yeah but to be like you know it's almost like should be for

like that second like he's like like half an impossible like what am i gonna say next like

you're just crazy like at some point you just kind of exhaust yourself yeah but you only almost

get scared is he gonna have a heart attack or something yeah that's almost like that's what's

It's crazy.

Did you think he would have thought, like, man, I should really slow up?

He just kept fucking going.

Poor Mel, man.

Poor Mel.

Next call.

What do we got here for sale?

A plate set.

We already called a plate set.

No, we didn't.

No.

Call it again.

Yes, hi.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You have a plate set for sale there.

I do have a plate set.

They're still available?

Yes, they are still available.

I would love to come see them, smell them, touch them, taste them.

The only problem is, looking online, I see quite a few of them are a little dinged up.

Are they a family plate set?

a special occasion?

Were they in a business?

What was that?

Were they used

like in a restaurant business?

Or what's their history?

No, they were just

used at my house.

Okay, okay.

For how long you used?

Probably about

eight months ago.

Oh, shit, motherfucker.

Okay, all right.

What kind of things

did you cook on them?

Are you a business?

Are you a personal individual

looking for a place

for your home?

Yeah, I am.

Personal person

looking for a place

Plates from my home. Personal or personal, I cook plates from my home.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

What kind of food did I cook on them? I mean, I didn't cook on the plates. I never cooked on the plates.

What did you plate on the plates?

What I plate on them?

Yep.

Do you make Italian food?

Normal food.

Yeah?

Normal food. Give me one second. I'll have you speak to my husband.

Oh, but I'd rather not speak to you.

Hello?

Hi, husband. How are you?

I'm good. You're looking for the plate?

Yeah, I'd rather speak to the wife.

I'd rather speak to the girl.

Um, yeah.

The sexy girl.

No.

He's like, oh, no.

Oh, I was going to say, ask if, like, the wife's nipples are as big as the plates.

Yeah.

Hey, Milkman, you're on, but try not to be moving paper.

Hi, Milkman.

Yay.

Milkman, you here?

Milkman.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I would like the plates, though.

Um, can I come see them?

Yeah, where are you located?

uh i'm on by ewa beach on papipi road oh you're on a different island my man no but i travel back

and forth every other day for my job for my job no thank you yeah come on come on come on

motherfucker fucking is there a lot of beef between the islands you think there i don't know

that's crazy and can i not get is it that hard to get through back to i don't even think so what

What was this guy selling?

Plate set.

Yeah, like you just take a small plane over.

Like, why would it be...

It's going to be a ferry.

The islands aren't that far away from each other.

I never heard anyone say they took a ferry.

There must be one, but I always heard people taking flights.

I don't know.

Flying from one of those islands to the other?

That seems ridiculous.

I don't know.

I wasn't there long enough to know.

They should build a bridge between them.

Why don't they build a bridge between them?

Milkman?

We got bridges at the Florida Keys down in Florida.

They're going to take no flights in between them.

Let's see, Hawaii Ferry.

Hawaii Ferry.

There's a Hawaiian Super Ferry.

It was a company, so I'm guessing it's out of business.

Yes, it went defunct in 2009.

Provided transportation between Oahu and Maui.

Now you've got to figure it out yourself.

But there are different independent ferries in usage here.

You can drive your car into the ferry and take off and end up at the island you want to go at.

Nice.

There's also a Hawaii Inter-Island Super Ferry still being used.

Hawaii.gov has several that they recommend and license.

since there you go with that hawaii bridge haven't they made a bridge between the islands

too busy being kanaka don't see nothing about it there's articles here that i guess i'm guessing

are jokes they're talking about a bridge between california and hawaii that would never happen

that'd be fat we have to do pneumatic tube pneumatic tube if you're gonna do california

hawaii then you might as well do hawaii to china oh no well if you're gonna do that far you're

halfway there finish it oh my god come on finish it up and you can link the united states directly

with canada like that via rail transport transportation you know you don't have to

get all those boats coming over with stuff just move them on the bridge the current is too strong

though in some place where a bridge exists i don't know no you can't you can't do a bridge

in deep water like that like thousands i mean i guess we could but it should be an underwater

bridge channel yeah like a channel you can like look at all the sea life around you and

stuff. Like a never-ending sea world

or something.

There's Elon Musk and his

pneumatic tube thing that he wants.

But he came out and said, my company is not going to

build this shit, and I'm not going to build this

shit. I'm just putting out a plan

out there for the world to work together

to build it, because I'm doing

the space thing right now.

What it's looking like

might end up happening is, it's going to be

really hard to put humans in

this, because of stopping. Once

Once you stop someone, it does the whole thing where it's like you're in a car accident.

Inertia.

Yeah, inertia.

But they're thinking cargo.

You can get all the main cargo off the main arteries of the road if they did something like that.

So big semi-trucks and stuff.

Less of a prevalence and need for those.

And you could possibly do an underwater one that would go between, let's say, China and the United States.

And that would be for cargo.

instead of having all those cargo vessels coming into California last year.

They can just speed them down much faster, without any risk,

much cheaper via this pneumatic tube system, I think.

I think that's a great idea.

Then you go underwater, underwater.

That's a great idea.

I think that's something we can strive for.

Fortunately, at some point in the situation between the United States and China,

they're going to come to heads.

It's an immovable force meeting,

an unstoppable force meeting on a movable object at this point.

There is going to be a point in time where our little happy relationship with China is going to go down.

And I think the world economy in the United States, the world economy is going to get upended when this happens.

I think the United States economy will experience a crash at first.

It'll be affected.

But then it is going to come back in a very strong way, much the way that we came back after the Great Depression into World War II.

I think we'll see if and when a situation like that happens.

I think it's inevitable at some point

us and the Chinese are going to have to figure something

else out because the Chinese society

are going to get to the point where you're not going to

be able to get Chinese people to

want to do those jobs for that little bit of money

because their society as a whole

has moved up at this point

you're not only going to be able to get that cheap

labor so things

are going to change in China as a result of that

is there going to be a big social upheaval

is it going to be Tiananmen Square all over again

I don't know but I think that

And I think that's 30 years out, 30 years out.

But at some point, you know, I mean, it started, jobs like that started out, they were done in the South.

It was cheaper in the South of the United States.

And then it was, you know, all right, then we'll have them do it here.

You know what I mean?

We'll have them do it in China or we'll have them do it in Japan.

Yeah, after a while, the standard limit is going to have to go up unless you're just, these people are just going to be poor forever.

I don't think that's going to happen.

I don't think it's going to happen, especially China.

China. In China, those people

are organizing, and they're tough.

They're brave. The Chinese people themselves

are pretty brave when it comes to fucking

with them, you know what I mean? When they're getting fucked with them, like,

uh-uh, fuck that shit, you know what I mean?

They start organizing.

I guess they hacked the government or something.

Oh, they hacked it? Yeah, I saw

like last week something in the news that said, yeah,

Chinese government hacks

U.S. government. Yeah, I mean, there's been a hack

here and a hack there.

I mean, no proof that they're Chinese

government hacks, but from Chinese sources

usually it traces back to i believe and angela merkel who is the leader of the uh of germany

the german republic uh her personal pc in her office wasn't was hacked by the chinese

wow and just this weekend they found out sick huh she also had her phone hacked by the nsa though

wow oh that's where i recognize the name that's it angela merkel george w bush gave her a shoulder

shoulder massage once on a video oh my you're like they were at a ga conference g7 now but

ga conference and they were taking a break and he gets up he's trying to be all nice and friendly

he's like hey how you doing angela and he starts like rubbing her shoulders from behind like

jokingly oh yeah he's going he he he like he's giggling and angela merkel's like oh like she's

like i do not like this you know yeah he's trying to get a little too friendly weirdo you don't do

that on camera maybe like you know if they're all hanging out back in the bilderberg building

where they're all plotting the you know the rise of the corporations and the jews and stuff

but not there it almost makes you wonder like what how do they really act behind closed doors

you know like maybe that's a maybe that was like okay if they were in like the oval office or

something but some mad hillock shit you mean they all like have orgies in the oval office yeah

Yeah, like they're all touchy-feely, but nothing outside the office.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Let's all visit there.

Do you think the president, first lady, has sex in there?

Would he sleep in the living room?

I would.

Hell yeah.

Do you think they would do it like, hey, let's do it in this room tonight?

Yeah, there are tons of cameras and shit.

Hell yeah.

Do it on the desk?

No, but they have a whole...

They would do it everywhere.

That one whole wing is...

That one whole floor is just theirs.

It's like their house house.

Like, just for them and the kids and their assistants.

of stanzas yeah i would do it just to just to have like you know when you leave office or whatever

like shit tons of stories and by like biographies written about you with all these stories about

what happens oh son of president i would definitely masturbate in the oval office

be like yeah that's mine because it'd be like jerking this is a power thing like yeah

oh my god that's gross and i pee in the rose i pee in the rose garden a little bit you know

It's a man thing, right?

If you have a house, when you first get a house or some property,

as a man, you go out, you're checking it out,

and you take out your dick and you pee a little bit.

Yeah, dude.

Just pee out the window.

Mark your territory.

What the fuck?

I still do that.

Kiss any other wild men out there.

Listen, back when you were dating, like before you got married and all that,

you didn't know that when a guy come to pick you up from a date,

he secretly just pissed on your property, right?

What?

Oh, yeah.

So you really are dogs?

Yeah, we're like, oh, this is mine, this is mine.

Sons of bitches.

I've never heard of that, but I guess I totally understand, you know, why I'd do it, but I don't know.

Crazy.

It's a guy thing, you didn't know that, huh?

We'll pee before we leave.

What else do guys do?

Masturbate, rub it on the mailbox and door handles.

The door handles is a big one, jerking off and putting on door handles.

I like to touch the fridge.

Like I won't wash my hand and I'll go in people's houses and just like deliberately open their fridge

No, but you can like do it at work on your lunch break or in the bathroom

But I get it like okay I get the whole guy pink

It's kind of like a girl being on their period and rubbing it in the guy's pillow. Exactly. There you go. Love that face

I'll jerk off in my car my lunch break and then come back and I touch all the door handles with it

So like yeah, everyone's touching my come on the alpha man

oh that's crazy

so fucking gross

all over the keyboard

but then I know

like all the girls

come in back to the office

and they're opening the door

I'm like yeah

they got like

come on

and you get turned on again

yeah

that's like a girl

like farting in your jacket

or something right

ew

girls don't do that

ew

right

uh oh

show me barefoot

yeah

here you go

pink eye express

girls don't fart like yeah oh yeah they do dude i i took a big old hit yesterday and i started

coughing and i was like i'm afraid i'm gonna like cough and fart at the same time i gotta

myself i was like i was coughing so much i'm like oh my god am i like seriously getting that old

you know yeah but cough to fart i don't know it's not pleasant we'll do more calls after this

What kind of gold-digging whore is this?

Calls (31, 1 h 42 min of 4 h 54 min)

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