What’s Your Fuckin’ Problem, Phone?

I don't play no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid callings.

You're a crazy moth.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey, you stupid motherfucker.

My fan machine.

Hey, fans.

Hey, listeners.

Hey, everybody.

I'm Carlito.

We're here with Madhouse Radio, afternoon edition.

We're going to look for some jobs.

Today's show is brought to you by a big legend, old-time PLA-er,

who sent in scans from his Sunday local newspaper up there in Florida.

Yo!

We're up in the 727, whatever it's called now.

813-727-SPLIT.

Brad Carter's going to join us.

Lama might also be joining us shortly.

Let's see if Brad's here.

We're connecting Brad now, and then we get to the first friend call.

Hope you're all having a fine day and having a good week.

I am way behind on podcasts, man.

But I worked on the website a lot yesterday.

Brad helped me out with that.

Thank you, Brad.

Hold off for Brad to connect here.

See if he was ready or not.

He said he would be.

And we'll get going.

If you got any requests, you can send that to me over at the IRC.

Or email me at madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Again, email me your requests.

If you have any, madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Of course, if you're listening for the first time, probably not.

But if you happen to be, welcome, tell a friend, enjoy the show, and visit PrankCallNation.com and subscribe to the podcast.

My personal website is MadHouseLive.com, MadHouseLive.com, L-I-V-E.

All right, we're still waiting for Brad to connect.

In the meantime, I will engage the first prank call of the day.

Someone is selling a portable generator.

And it failed.

Yay!

That was quick.

All right, see you later, guys.

guys come on now these are just working i just tested this shit i'm having serious problems

you see what's going on here that the program i use is box ox right and uh they they actually

pulled their windows client their windows software and their mac software off their website

because they're rewriting it and i think at some point it you know it's slowly dying off

They're they're promising that they're only available for Android and iOS now

But are promising their windows and Mac versions will come back in a new version a non beta version

Problem is the beta version is was working. Okay before it was able to sustain me for a show and sloth also

He uses it

But all of a sudden been having nothing but trouble. I don't know if it's on my end

Or if it's them in general, we'll see not the bucket not that I'm gonna play some GTA. It's been a while

All right, I'm going to sign out the software.

What is it about?

Oh, this sucks.

And no, I can't use Skype at all.

Skype is not an option for me.

I've got to get like Brad and some others where they've got their own VoIP setups.

You know, they've got like Asterix servers or, you know, other VoIP servers that they're running on their own.

I don't know how that works.

I guess you need to get a SIP number to dial out with and stuff.

I really would be interested in that and figuring that out, you know.

What am I doing now?

Seriously, this is just...

It was just working brilliantly.

my god three shows in a row four shows in a row i was so excited to do a show i'm not i don't want

to do it signing in on the other machine balls as cop fallopian tubes and con masturbation

labia and vulva yeah the only solution i found with this problem when it starts happening

is to reboot the computer and it's just i can do it within three minutes now i've got a time

down to a science machine I restarted the program on PC one if not I'm gonna

do just that since we just started I would have to be back in three or four

minutes okay we're gonna do that see you later guys I'll be right back in a few

minutes sorry for the false start

I'm hearing topolios. Sounds like coming from far and deep section.

Hmm. Do you have love-

What for?

Do you have lovely sister? Hello?

Oh, man. I love this call.

Okay, repeat the order, please.

Ted's like, eh, no reason.

Do you have-

Terabon, do you have sister?

Oh, boy.

Brad! Hey, Brad, how you doing?

Oh, super.

Oh, good.

You know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad, I gotta sit with you. I'll send you some money.

you gotta help me out figure out if i gotta buy a new machine or something just to run a

some kind of voip or sip server you know what i mean i gotta get off the relying on other shit

you know what i mean i mean you don't want to give out on air too much what you do i'm sure but i'm

sure it's well within something i can do i've dealt with the voice yeah it's it's super easy

like you basically just you can probably just run it on a computer that you already have i have mine

on a dedicated computer but i just bought a used computer from craigslist for like 150 bucks

and put Linux on it, and it's really hassle-free.

I reboot it maybe every two months.

That's cool.

I don't even touch it.

Would it be viable?

I have a home server that runs a Linux distro.

Would it be viable to run it on that also,

or should it be its own dedicated machine, do you think?

I don't think it needs to be a dedicated machine.

It's a really low-powered thing.

Okay, cool, cool.

Do I have to get a SIP number from another company then

that i can use to as a like i would like a copper yeah yeah yeah you just buy a um gross yeah what's

it mean when your hot dog has like white powder all over it that's weird raw or still i'm the hot

dog but i'm sorry it's probably flour from the bun from the inside of the bun yeah yeah i'm not

eating that fuck that shit uh what was i saying i don't know oh yeah you have to get a service

provider it'll probably be a little bit more than skype i pay like um like uh six to nine dollars a

month for mine that's nothing though that's great yeah yeah and i don't get it well i probably get

international calling uh but i don't want to use it up i'm sure it costs money yeah yeah okay

yeah i'm sure it does cost a little more but still domestic oh that'll work it's got to be

with for international too some way to piggyback off so i'm gonna do that i'm gonna do that

because i knew asterix but you you you were using asterix but you stopped right

right? For some reason, I think?

No, no, that's what this is. It's Asterix.

You are using the Asterix server.

Asterix is the Linux

program.

That's your actual

phone, right?

Yeah, Asterix is the server on my Linux

machine. Oh, it's the server. Okay.

And what are you using as soft phones?

Is there an Asterix client version?

Yeah, it's a free Asterix

client. There's tons of

like a SIP client. Yeah, and it just

has an iPad and all your features

is there you can customize cool that's cool yeah because i used to configure and set up a cisco

uh sip client say i mean it's it's it was different it's not like free and stuff but i

at companies would pay big money for cisco a cisco version uh license licenses for it you know

cisco call manager and it's the same it was all cli you could do there was guis for but i just

did the cli but i get the whole how it all works i've worked with it cool if you want to test it

out um i'll tell you which sip client to download and you can just um use my server okay just to

test it out like not forever yeah yeah yeah but i could oh yeah true true because i could actually

okay cool art we'll do that do the same like like vn he has an actual desk phone that uh he's got

connected to my server i don't know why i let him on there it's stupid of me it's a cisco navaya

phone i think or something i think i've seen him on seen a video of him doing it before or seen

him on video with it yeah i've got one here on my desk i've got a cisco phone it has like four

lines on it they're all connected to my server that's cool like if i pick up one line it's my

home telephone number if i pick up another line it's a it's a the caller id shows up as a pay

phone at the portland airport oh cool like it's just if i ever want to make a phone call without

them having my number it's all set up cool man now the outro to this another one is the uh the

rejection hotline in new york city you got it set up to that as the caller id yeah if they call me

me back they get the rejection hotline nice awesome cool cool um did you ever get the

rejection hotline and everyone anyone ever give that to you i was i'm never not i don't hang out

in bars and ask girls for their number yeah exactly but i know it seems like that's a cowardly

thing for a girl to do i want you to say no no i'm not interested sorry yeah i got a friend from

florida he said he the first time i ever heard of it was he's like yeah man he was at work

and he was trying to call her for the first time in the morning after at work or the afternoon

and after it's like dude check out this you gotta call this number i'm like oh my god and then he's

like yeah this girl gave it to me yesterday at the bar oh my god i think uh don't don't like

radio stations they like to promote those like i've heard i've heard those mentioned on radio

stations like hey girls if you want to give yeah creepy guys a fake phone number yeah because

instead of just being a man and saying no yeah i think they usually advertise the station and

And they'll say, like, brought to you by 98.6 The Mouth or whatever yours is.

What's the radio station you always spoke?

Was that The Hawk you guys were doing?

The Hawk, I thought.

Me?

It's not like that.

You guys had a prank.

You guys used to say that.

Remember the whole ca-caw thing?

You remember that?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

It was you and Lux and shit.

That was a long time ago.

Sorry for bringing up shit.

Look, let's do a prank call, please.

Hopefully.

Now it's 100.3 The Gerbil.

The Gerb.

Hi, you've reached site.

Hi.

Fuck that guy.

Here's power and hand tools.

I want to get to the jobs before they close up.

Hold up, hold up.

Hold on, hold on.

Services.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Supplies.

Musical instruments.

Tools.

Sporting goods.

Services.

Where are the jobs?

Legend.

Did you send me jobs?

I've got tons of curling club numbers if you still want those.

Those are fun.

I might.

I've just got to look through these to be sure.

I think Mrs. Morgan was doing them the other day on her show.

Last night I heard a lot of those.

She actually has some really good ones.

It's one with the husband and the wife.

Oh, that was on, I think it was a Llamas broadcast.

And he's uploading on the crazy fuck.

Yeah, he didn't send me jobs.

Oh, maybe he did.

Damn, he sent me a lot of them.

Hang on.

It's a big newspaper, that's why.

No wonder.

All right, here we go, here we go.

This is more like it.

All right, AC Experience Commercial and Residential Duck Mechanics.

You know where I'm going with the duck thing, right?

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

The old jerky boys thing.

I need duck cleaning.

In-air conditioning?

Hello?

Hell, uh, you put an ad in the paper for, uh, duck mechanics?

Yes.

I have experience with duck work.

Okay.

I shoot them, and I bag them, and I clean them, and I mount them, and I cook them.

I used to raise ducks.

Come on, lady, give me a chance.

Damn her.

Let me just set my caller ID, by the way.

That was bullshit.

Do you just set your caller ID to a local number to them?

Local area code, yeah.

Yeah, and then I usually, the next three numbers I started with number one, so it just doesn't go anywhere.

I got the idea from Breaking Bad.

All the TV shows, all the numbers that they would show on screen on TVs for Breaking Bad, it would always start with a one.

Ah.

You should set them all to 555s.

People know that, though.

Good afternoon, Cox.

Sitting in here, this is Sandy.

Hello, I was calling about ducks, the duck work.

Okay.

Yeah, what can you tell me about the job for duck work?

Are you looking to replace your duck work, or are you looking to repair?

I got a bunch of ducks.

I work with ducks.

I have experience with ducks.

You're looking for a job.

Yeah, and duck work.

Okay.

I know.

I hunt ducks, and I catch them, and I bag them.

Okay, we are high.

My duck retrieves them, and it comes back with the ducks.

And when I miss the ducks, he giggles at me, motherfucker.

You can't shoot him, though.

Shout out to Duck Hunt.

Oh, we're having fun yet?

Yay!

You should play a sound effect of you shooting a duck,

and then it plays the Duck Hunt sound.

Oh, and the laughing.

Okay.

Oh, I missed it.

All right, we got account rep, bilingual plus, vacation sales rep, scammers.

Any place that's still using a print newspaper to put their jobs in,

job search for is probably a really stupid place to work.

Thank you for calling Gulf Coast Processing.

If you know your party's extension, please dial it now.

For employment opportunities, please press 1.

This is one of those things.

When was the last time you purchased a newspaper for just legitimate purposes, non-pranky purposes?

Never. People in this town still do that.

I'm like, whatever, man.

This is Jennifer in Promotions.

Hey, big girl. How you doing, big Jennifer?

Good. How are you?

Oh, fuck. I'm having a real bad day today, actually.

I'm not feeling well, and my mom's sick.

She might go to the hospital tonight, so I might have to take her.

I'm just going to have to stay up all night.

So then I'm going to be tired tomorrow, you know,

and I was thinking about getting my hair cut in the morning,

and that'll probably eat into that time, you know?

Yeah.

And I wanted to play some Game of Thrones, or watch Game of Thrones.

I'm calling about the account rep bilingual plus vacation sales reps earning $1,000 every week,

three shifts, advancement, OPT, weekly pay call today, exclamation mark?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, we're going to be doing interviews all this week, every hour between 11 and 3,

so you can come in, fill out an application, and then we can get you in for an interview.

We have a next training class starting on Tuesday,

so if you get in here by tomorrow or Monday, I should be able to get you in for the class on Tuesday.

Okay.

Should I wash my hands?

Yes.

Right before I hold your hand?

Are you going to be there?

Yes, of course.

Oh, good.

I'd like to cram a few in you, you know what I mean?

Wait, what?

I'd like to cram a few of them in you, you know what I mean?

No.

Yeah.

You ever do any gaping?

No.

No, thank you.

Listen, stupid.

Why don't you just put that in the ad instead of telling people to call to get it?

It sounds pretty stupid.

What do you mean?

Like, you could have, why wasn't the ad just to come down to this address at this time this day that we're taking applications instead of call, call so we can, you know, because you could have saved a bunch of phone calls all week, you know?

Yeah, well, I have people call to give them some more information to see if this is a position that they're interested in or not.

Well, if that is, you know, to weed them out, they should just come anyway, you know?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, just come out and come in anyway.

So did you know when you'd be coming in or?

Yeah.

When are you going to be there?

I work every day night at 5.

All right.

So I'll get to see you for sure.

Are you bilingual, too?

No.

I mean, I know Spanish.

I mean, I'm not completely bilingual, though, so.

I'm Cuban.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm hot, too.

I got nice abs.

I'll let you see my abs.

And, hey, I'll show you Spanish, you know?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I've taken five years of Spanish, so I get the gist.

I'll teach you the alphabet.

Do you know it already?

Yes.

Oh, because like what I like to do when I'm going down or girls I do the alphabet with my tongue down there

So my god, are you seriously going?

I'll do the Spanish one. It has like three extra letters and some squiggles. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yeah that the end

Yes

So do you want me to go for an interview or I'll use all the accents and everything

The accent is when I go really fast

Like a lizard almost

What do you like better

Do you like to have the clit sucked on

No I'm taken

What do you like your boyfriend or girlfriend to do

That is not information

That I'm going to be giving out

Did you have any other questions involving the job

What's better like sucking on the clit

Or just going at it

Inappropriate

Not that funny

She's taken five years of Spanish

But I'm not bilingual

Interlingual.

Damn.

What a waste of a college education.

You don't even have to take any years of Spanish, bro.

All you got to do is get yourself, go to a place where Spanish is spoken.

Just be there for like two months.

You're going to at least understand it.

You probably have a better understanding than that chick does after taking five years.

I worked in many convenience stores in Texas where everyone is Spanish, and I don't understand shit.

You still went home to speak Spanish.

You still watch TV and all your shit in Spanish, right?

You're still interacting with your friends and family.

I mean, in English, you're in English.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You put yourself in a situation where you've got to do that.

That's what worked out for me in living, well, going to Puerto Rico every summer growing up

until I was a senior in high school.

We'd do that.

And that was basically why I spent two and a half, three months every year there.

You become a little better towards that way.

Who cares, right?

Do you want to do a CDL driver job?

I can throw some jobs at you that are available.

Do you want to do pranks?

I don't know.

Sure.

All right, look.

Here's what I'm going to tell you what I got.

I've got teachers and substitutes, taxi drivers.

I'll take the teacher.

Do you want the teacher and substitutes?

It's a private middle school slash high school, and it's a small setting, ESE SLD experience.

I guess ESE is like special education, so go with that.

Get your foot in there, man.

Tell them you work with the, you know.

Okay.

You kind of do on those networks, to be honest.

I mean, you do this kind of thing, right, Brad?

Am I right?

That's right.

Yeah.

Glad you're here, Brad.

I'm glad you're here with me.

Aw, I'm glad you let me be on your show.

Thanks, Carlito.

Hey, trainwreck's around.

Oh, really?

Put him on.

Ouch, that hurt.

Anyway, electricians, CDL driver, taxi driver, taxi driver.

Can you do that?

I wanted to say I wasn't allowed within 500 feet of children.

You could say that anywhere.

I could have been like, well, they cancel each other out if I'm a teacher.

Come on, I mean, I've got to see the kids.

Trainwreck, are you here?

Are you still connecting?

Yes!

Oh, my God.

He's alive.

Hey, Trainwreck.

What's up, man?

Hey.

I'm Robin Steele.

Killin' niggas like Shaquille.

You know what I mean?

How are you guys?

Bad.

I've been doing really bad.

Oh, yeah.

I heard that.

Yeah, man.

What happened?

Nothing.

I just say that.

I try to catch people now.

Oh.

Yeah, because everyone...

Make them regret asking.

Yeah.

Why tell them the truth?

This is where you...

I just went off into a whole conversation with them.

Oh, shit.

You should just keep going and going for like 10 minutes until they stop you.

I mean, I guess that'd be kind of boring, but it'd be funny.

Well, my wife had an interview.

She interviewed someone at her job, and the chick was fine, did the interview fine.

And at the very end, my wife mentions, well, there is a background check here at this facility.

and she just unloaded on a whole 15 minute story about a car and stolen and a purse and the drugs

that were found and the chase and the two months later she's just like wow it was just so awkward

and enough and then the same day another lady came in with her child that sat on my wife's lap

while they did the interview holy shit yeah how's that how do you not know how to not to do that i

I know. I was like, for real?

She's like, yeah.

I mean, she said, I couldn't, you know, I need a job,

and I couldn't find anyone.

You know, she didn't obviously get the job.

Maybe she's hoping for pity.

Yeah, yeah.

But she did say, like, the girl was really well-behaved.

It was a little girl.

She was really well-behaved and cute,

but it was really inappropriate.

Just don't go, man.

Here's another driver call.

Either of you can take it.

Do you mind if Train takes it?

Because he hasn't done a prank in a while.

Train wreck.

I guess so.

You know, I'm noticing this newspaper though, it says...

Rhino Trucking, this is Tracy.

Hey, I'm calling for the job.

Yes, we're, um, do you have a clean, Florida driver, do you have a clean driver's license?

Oh, does DUI count?

Uh, DUI? Yeah, how long ago did you have a DUI?

No, no, it's clean now.

Did you have a DUI?

Uh, no.

Sir, I hope you understand that I have to run an MVR.

yeah everything okay no no never okay next tanker endorse do you have a tanker endorsement

um a what i'm sorry you cut off here a tanker endorsement um not sure about that one yes yes

i are are you calling for you or for somebody else no i'm calling for myself okay okay um

we're so we're looking for someone when do i begin um well i'm do i have to make sure that

Or is it provided there?

Oh, so you're going to provide your own lunch.

You're driving over the road.

Okay, yeah.

But is it compensated?

Is it paid by the office?

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

You pay for your own food.

Okay.

Do I have to pay for my own gas?

No.

Okay.

Okay, next question.

Are you willing to go over the road for two to three weeks at a time?

If I have to do, yes.

Yes. Hey, Carlito, I'm going to pass you to my parole officer here, okay?

Take the phone. Take the phone. I'm not doing that.

No, hello.

Hello?

Yeah, I have to document that he is looking for work.

So do you state that Mr. Reck did indeed call regarding a job opportunity?

So I can check that off here?

Yes, sir.

Okay, and in your opinion, would he be offered an interview or a second call?

I would need him to fill out an application.

I mean, does he have a felony?

No, no, no, nothing like that.

I mean, I can't say it over the phone.

He has to say it's Florida law.

It's in the Florida statutes.

I can't do that.

Okay.

But, I mean, he'll tell you what's going on.

He's asking, can we, I'm going to be coming with him.

He has an ankle monitor.

I have to come with him for that.

Oh, well, he would have to leave the state.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, yeah.

He can leave the state.

That's fine.

It's my phone.

Yeah, we just want to know where he's at at all times.

That's all.

He's an asset.

You understand?

So I'm coming in with him, and then would you like us to bring anything, any lunch for

you guys?

Chipotle?

Do you guys like Chipotle?

Sure.

Okay.

Do you want a burrito bowl, or what do you want?

What would you like?

sure perfect

carnitas chicken

um yeah chicken

chicken's fine

um he's gonna need to bring his

medico dot card his

license can i bring my

um yeah you got all that shit motherfucker

that she's saying you got all that

fucking shit she's saying you gotta bring

hey i'm asking you

tell her tell her tell her i

i drive tanker in gta

tanker in gta

wow that

I really suck, guys.

That's a great idea for when they ask

if you're doing a driving job, just talk about

GTA a bunch.

That's going to be my angle next time.

right.

Electrician.

Brad, would you like to be an electrician or do you pass?

Sure.

Okay.

You can pass.

Pass. You can pass if you want. We're just having fun.

No, no, that's okay.

If you want to pass, I take it.

Good afternoon, Merritt Electric. This is Robin.

Hi, I'm calling about the electrician position.

Okay, we're asking that you come in and fill out an application.

Why'd you have me call you then? Like, why didn't you just write that in the paper?

I don't know. I just work here.

Okay, well, that was really dumb. You should tell whoever put that ad in the paper. That's stupid.

Like, who uses a newspaper anyway? You know when the last time I bought a paper was?

Oh, I was trying to say this before, that one call.

It says powered by Monster on here

So maybe it's actually pulling off a monster

Or anything

Maybe they got an extra checkbox to also include

Oh, like newspapers are reduced to that

Like people don't actually put ads on them anymore

Yeah, I think like

Tampa Bay Times has a contract with Monster

So Monster charges maybe

Like an extra, it says

When you're checking out for your thing

For your job posting

Would you like to add a print for a dollar

Maybe or something

I think that's what it is

That makes sense.

Yeah, well, it's kind of cool.

It keeps it going, but it was weird.

I think it's been like maybe since 2007 or 2008 since I purchased a newspaper.

I bought them.

I've only bought them for prank calls since about that time.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I subscribed to my local newspaper's RSS feeds just so I know what's going on in town and stuff.

But actually buying a paper seems crazy.

I visit mine.

well I visit the

Orlando one

and I still

and then I visit

the local one

I visit both

I keep in touch

because I know

I'm ending up

going back to Florida

I'm pretty sure

in a year or so

I don't like

I don't like this place

fuck Pennsylvania

I came up here

I got six

bunch of surgeries

lost vision

and one eye

and broke my

Pennsylvania's bad luck

it is man

it's fucking

simple ass shit out here

okay I got another

electrician job

train wreck or me

let me

I can do one

you should take

Sloth with you

like take him with you

of Florida.

Yeah?

Get him out of that

hellhole.

And fuck him.

Fuck him good.

Oh, yeah, Brad.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, Dwight.

Dwight and Llama

are here, guys.

Hey, Llama.

What happened to

Enigma?

I thought Enigma

was here.

Don't you hear him

just coughing?

Oh, okay.

Hey, Enigma.

Yeah, I know Enigma.

Smoking drugs over there.

All right, we got

more driver jobs here.

This is for a

different CDL job.

CDL, what's it?

Commercial driver

license, right?

Yeah, that's right.

i knew that did you used to have one of those two dwight no right i think i'm just i did in gta

they won't let me drive in gta anymore because i killed over a thousand cops

all right starting that shit again garley i checked my stats last night i think i said i

killed a thousand to 32 cops in the two months that i've been playing jesus christ man you got

a you got a problem with the cops boys well the assault shotgun makes it so much easier to kill

them too is that is that rail gun a real gun you can get in the game or is it just from from a hack

oh i have no idea because i was i think that's just a hack that's not in story mode or anything

that thing's fucking awesome it's like a quick reloadable grenade launcher like my guess is that

it's something that they were gonna put in the game but then they never got around you know they

didn't use it but it's still in there yeah yeah someone's calling me from i guess a gta conference

is going on i can't accept the conference to marry with a conference oh yeah they're calling

calling me too hello hello yeah hi you got a cdl driver job yes yeah and how am i going to be

driving what kind of driving i'm going to be doing on that shit pardon me what kind of driving am i

going to be do doing on that uh local driving out state what's going on it's well if you read the ad

it says for dizzy north pinellas tree service right but i don't know if the trees is going out

far away they could be going to canada for all i know they need trees up there

Okay.

This is a tree service.

We cut down trees, so it'd be a grapple.

Good, good.

I've done that before.

Okay.

Where are you located?

Well, I'm in Pinellas County.

I'm in that, you know that Tarpon Springs?

That's where I live, right here.

Yeah.

Which tree service did you work for?

I used to work for Luther Tree Service in Minnesota.

How long have you been here?

I've been here two weeks.

Okay, and our driver...

I'm hiding from this guy named LaForge.

He's after me.

LaFours?

You guys haven't heard from LaFours, a guy named LaFours at all, have you?

Is this the guy you're on the conference call with?

No.

L-A-F-O-U-R-S.

LaFours.

Anyway, we're in Dunedin.

Look us up if you want to come out.

Hey, look.

All right.

So it's a conference call.

So what?

He's coaching me because it's my first time looking for work in a long time.

You're doing great, buddy.

You're doing great.

Didn't you see the movie with Steve Martin where he had the big nose?

What a bitch.

Yeah.

How does she know it's a conference call?

Because we were talking at the beginning of that.

Really?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, my fault.

So what?

It can't be like your buddies are in the fucking background?

You're not allowed.

I thought LaForge was from Mallrats.

It is.

I've always wanted to use the name LaForge for prank calls, and I never remember.

What are you talking about?

LaForge with Steve Martin and the big nose.

Oh, no, not LaForge.

Steve Martin was...

Didn't he play Cyrano?

Didn't he have a movie where he was coaching someone who was trying to go out with a girl

He was in his ear with a microphone or something.

It was like, yeah, say this and say that.

I think that's what it was.

And I was saying that you guys were doing that for me.

You were like, yeah, say this.

You know?

No?

I get it now.

It's a stretch.

I know.

It's a stretch.

It's all right.

All right.

We got driver opportunities for new owners.

They need drivers for upcoming contracts.

Who wants?

Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah.

All right, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Remember, you live in Tampa and shit.

Tampa.

St. Pete, to be exact, I think.

I drove my last fucking truck into Tampa Bay.

Right in the rim of James Stadium.

I was holding a marijuana, and I wasn't going to get caught.

Llama's being quiet.

Yeah, there's some shit going on in the background.

Oh, no.

Llama, upload your show from last night, puto.

What's wrong with you?

From the other day.

You're missing a show.

Hey, Cardito, are you posting the podcast on the iTunes machine?

The PC and main one is, yes.

Yes, but your show, like.

my show do you include yours in that yeah okay okay yeah and brads are in there okay

yeah i saw brads but i didn't saw yours that's why yeah i'm behind that's why okay yeah never

mind i was doing good for a few months there i was on top of it every day every you know day

after and i get like writer's block sometimes when it comes to editing like i just don't want

to pay attention to it while i'm editing it and i end up doing other stuff at the same time and

i'm dead and 15 minutes go by i'm like shit what are you doing i don't know how you keep that up

to date with all those shows it's like a lot of work yeah driver uh for dwight here driver job

dairy company oh fucking william there how you doing uh i'm calling about the job listing you

got in the paper there he's calling yeah this is dwight mcclanahan nice to meet your fucking

acquaintance okay call back i'm sorry i'm sorry he's like nope nope oh tiny chat don't forget

people if you want tinychat.com

prank call nation hello

hello sir yeah I'm sorry

we got off on the wrong foot I think

yeah I was calling about the tanker job there

for the dairy so what can you tell

me about it jerky boys dairy

okay yeah I'm well aware that that's not

what was listed okay so what

I just imagined

I think he caught the prank call nation part

I just imagined he crossed his

hand his arms was like

fucking hate kill over there

I hate you I'm mad

I'm sure my displeasure on the phone star says he's gonna say that next time

he goes for your fucking acquaintance no click well no dairy for you we got we

can call back with a different color than someone else yeah calling the

secretary in the office and you never believe what this boy just tried to get

over on me he's the last to meet your f-u-c-k um damn a lot of drivers in this motherfucker here

this town oh i love this song all right we got uh oh this i already called that place

they are they're advertised twice activity assistant part-time skilled nursing facility

looking for an activity assistant i guess that's like for running the bingo yeah who's gonna do

that hey i think a train wreck would work for that probably huh you want to be an event coordinator

at a nursing facility, or Lama can.

Lama hasn't done it.

Lama.

I've still got a lot of background noise.

Can't do it.

Thank you for calling PumpGuard and BlarGraph.

We're committed to leading by example.

This is Samantha.

How may I help you?

Shut up.

Hey.

Hello.

I'm calling for the job that you put in the paper here.

I'm showing it to you right now.

Can you tell me more about it?

What the fuck?

Shit, what you said.

Shut up.

You said that once during the show.

I think it was like a Gilmore.

I forget who you're on with.

You just say, shut up, like that in the background.

That's not a girl.

Oh, I laugh so much.

Oh, thank you.

He just thinks, shut up, shut up.

Are we calling her back?

Thank you for calling, Marco.

We're committed to leading by example.

This is Samantha.

How may I help you?

Hey, I'm sorry.

I think we started on the wrong foot here.

Can you tell me more about the job?

Hold on just a moment.

Okay, bitch.

In resident regular.

You think she heard me?

Yeah.

Good afternoon.

Josh speaking.

Hi, my station.

Hey, Josh, how are you?

I'm good.

Why are you yelling?

are you huh why are you yelling oh because i was on speaker oh can you hear me all right right now

josh i heard you okay perfect then so can you tell me more about the job here who's this this

is train train yeah i don't know she transferred me to you do you know about the job or do you

need to transfer me again what job sir the job that you put in the paper here about for the

Veterinarian, I think.

Was it for that or was it for

the driver one? Anyway, either of those.

I can work both. Hello?

Hello, yeah, I'm here. Okay, Josh.

So, what can you tell me?

I'm sorry, you're applying for what job?

The event job?

I think he's stupid, right? Huh?

Okay, guys, take him. I don't know

what to do with him. Hi, I'm

his friend and translator. He's

wanting to apply for the event coordinator job.

That's what it was.

He's kind of rude, number one.

If he's applying for, what position is he applying for?

He's applying for the event coordinator.

He's French, and they talk like that.

You know, sometimes he just doesn't understand.

But he's French, so I'm here.

Well, for him to have a calling from someone stupid or applying on the phone,

that's kind of really rude.

So if he needs to come in and fill out an application,

he needs to come in and fill out and talk to someone.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, I think he's ready to, you know, calm down a little bit and come down and fill out an application.

What time can he come in to fill out the applications there?

He can come any time.

What's the latest time he can come in? 4.30?

There won't be nobody here, but he can come and fill out an application and just leave it here.

Okay, and who does he leave it for? A feminine black man?

Excuse me?

Does he leave it for a feminine black man?

who should he leave it for or will they know no um he will leave it with the receptionist

yeah but would he say like this is for the effeminate black man that i talked to what's

what's your name josh effeminate josh you put feminine black man josh right i'm sorry i would

have to end this conversation no no please i'm sorry please i'm sorry he didn't what did he

He doesn't understand when I said my things.

He's pretty rude.

What's up with the way he talks?

Oh, my God.

God bless him.

Can we call them back and say that Josh transferred us to them?

Okay, here you go.

Take it, man.

All right.

Trainwreck's back, everyone.

Yay!

His girlfriend's not home.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling Palm Garden Blogger.

We're committed to leading by example.

This is Samantha.

How may I help you?

Hey, Samantha.

Josh just transferred me to you.

Do what now?

Huh?

Josh just transferred me to you.

Who did?

Josh.

The black, um, black guy.

Yeah.

He just transferred me to you.

Okay.

Yeah.

He said that you would know more about the jobs than him.

Okay, what's your name?

Yeah, what can you tell me about that?

I don't have a holiday here.

What's your name?

Train.

Train?

Yeah.

What's your last name?

Train is my last name.

You can call me Mr. Train.

What's your first name?

Oh, I prefer not to say that.

Okay.

I only give it to my friends, you know?

I mean, I would like to consider you my friend, but I'm not sure you would do the same.

Okay, what do you need?

Well, I was calling about the job.

You're in the paper.

What can you tell me about it?

Okay, well, you'll actually have to come in, okay?

Huh?

But it says here, call for question.

Okay, well, the question was about the job, and you would have to come in and fill out an application.

That's pretty stupid, right?

You know that?

Did you write it yourself?

Have a good day, sir.

Have a good day.

No, you have a good day, motherfucker.

I like that lady.

That guy was great, too.

I think they're done cutting the grass now, so it's safe to talk.

Yeah, grass.

You got Mexicans, or you got your dad doing it?

You know what?

Actually, these are all white dudes, believe it or not.

Maybe you should just go inside the house.

I am inside.

It's just really loud.

It's like big industrial mowers and stuff.

Yeah, because they're white.

They use those big industrial motors because they're lazy.

Mexicans would have had it done half the time and much quieter.

But they skip a bunch of spots, too.

Yeah, they actually don't do a really good job.

It looks like shit.

Some of them suck.

We worked at a place, and they did such a bad job.

Listen, we got apartment setters.

They got a 30-year-old solar company hiring now for days and evenings.

This is not gas and electric.

trick. So some kind of

appointment setters. That means you're probably going to be calling

out, because they don't mention it's inbound only.

If anyone wants it, holler. If not, I'll take it.

I'll give it a shot.

Hi, you've reached 727-504.

I'm probably

weeding people out. It's already Thursday,

right? So, um,

got more truck drivers here. It's an

800 number, and I think the 800 number dialing

doesn't work right now. Box socks is all

fucked up. Have you ever, um,

heard about Skype, Cardino?

Skype is not an option.

Ah.

Nope, Skype. Nope, nope, nope.

Nope!

Where have you been, Trainwreck?

I was... I was searching for love.

I see, okay.

In the wrong place?

Any luck?

No. My quest still continues.

I see, okay.

Are you gonna come back to your show every once in a while?

Yeah.

Are you just gonna give up like the rest of us?

No!

You will eventually, trust me.

Eventually they're gonna make these pussies that you can fuck that are just the actual fleshy fleshy pussy, you know?

I want to eat in that one, you know?

Alright, assistant.

We got an assistant manager sales associate job.

Llama, you're still on deck if you want.

Yeah.

Gift shop in Clearwater needs a part-time sales associate.

Nights and weekends a must.

Experience preference.

Hi there, I was calling about the part-time position that you have available for nights and weekends.

I'm really busy with customers.

Thank you.

What do you mean?

What the fuck?

Was it the voice?

No, it was just like I'm busy with customers.

She thought it was somebody she knew.

She said, Zach, I'm really busy with customers.

Did she really say that?

Yeah, that's what she said.

I'll try it again.

Change it a little bit and say that.

She's a homophobe.

That's what it is.

That's what she calls gay people, Zach.

It's like, oh, it's another Zach.

Another Zach calling.

Damn Zacks.

They'll never get to be.

I'll never let them get married in this thing.

She won't pick up based on the color.

Sorry.

Bicycle mechanic and lawnmower repair and refurbish.

Candyman needed.

whatever the hell that means whatever kind of job title that means that's that's a weird job

bicycle mechanic and lawnmower repair and refurbish handyman ability helpful like i don't

know game system and computer knowledge what yeah you need to have all those skills to apply

hello yes yes uh i see you have a job here for bicycle mechanic and lawnmower repair and

refurbish handyman ability helpful game system and computer knowledge part-time or full-time

and clear water area job posted that was like a few months ago is that still on there yeah it is

dumb ass what was that yeah it is you're welcome to come in and say that bud you have my address

no i don't i just no what's your address what's the name of the place just come into the address

man i'll recognize you what's the name of the place motherfucker what the hell i miss the

motherfucker damn place this has got a fucking evil laboratory i think oh yeah that's doc brown

ask a cop where's that that's doc brown's mansion down there okay thank you jfk boulevard

john f kennedy who the hell's john f kennedy i heard he's dead sure they know who john f

f kennedy is at that point one day they'd know the kennedy name in 1955 they'd know the kennedy

name from his dad his dad was the oh yeah robert kennedy he was the architect of uh of uh world

war one the ending of world war one yeah the broader two was in congress the zionist occupation

would they know john f kennedy though well he maybe he would have been in the media for being

and the rich guy's son

who was a hero

in World War II

because he actually

wasn't in a boat

or something

and he'd do some

crazy shit on a boat.

He had some bravery

that he committed.

Committed bravery.

It's not like they had

a lot of television

and stuff back then.

Yeah.

He didn't have a love channel.

Actually, yeah,

they had just gotten

a TV, right?

Yeah.

Look at it roll.

What's Jackie Gleason

doing?

Hello.

Yes, is this

call center job?

Are we saying that again?

Is this call center job?

job call center job no it says here call center call center agents i don't know what you're

looking at sir do you have a we are looking oh you look at you have a job machine there

oh dispatcher experience ac or plumbing service company dispatching needed yeah well what how did

you get call machine out of that well you know it's for the air conditioning machine i used to

Yeah, I know.

I used to be an AC, air conditioner repair dispatcher in Orlando.

I used to be.

Okay, for how long?

I swear I was for a year.

Well, I wouldn't have known it by the call you just made.

What do you mean?

You didn't know who you were calling or why you were calling.

Shut up.

I was just being a silly cat.

What a bitch.

Have you heard of a company called Air Tech of Central Florida?

Air Tech?

Heck, I haven't, but I'm not in the air conditioning business, so I'm sorry I haven't.

Is that who you worked for before?

Out of Longwood.

Okay.

Yeah, that's where I used to work.

Okay, great.

Yeah.

Can you send in a resume or an application or anything?

Yeah, I can.

Yeah, I fucked the boss's sister.

I fucked the boss's sister.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, for like two months, yeah.

And she was engaged at the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was crazy.

Okay, well, send in your resume.

Yeah, it was hot.

And then they move me from this space.

Everyone has an attitude today.

Those dirty motherfuckers.

Dirty kanakas.

Fuck the bosses.

Man.

Carlito, you remember the episode of the Honeymooners that they watch?

No, I don't.

It's the one called Man from Space.

I actually downloaded it a couple years ago.

I downloaded it and watched it, and it was crap.

It was horrible.

It was.

I guess it kind of was.

There was someone in a thing.

Man from Space, which is funny,

because Marty at first

appeared to be a man

from space when he

arrived in the time.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a horrible episode

of the Honeymooners.

Yeah, really?

I mean, I think I've seen him

like when I was really young,

but they don't really,

never really check them out.

Laurel and Hardy

I've never watched in my life.

Like, I know what it is,

what the gimmick is,

but I've never seen it.

I don't know if it's worth watching.

Now, Three Stooges,

I have every single

short clip, movie,

everything downloaded,

and I watch it all the time.

I watch a few of them a month.

I love that.

Three Stooges.

Yeah, they're the best.

Oh, my God.

I loved them when I was a kid.

I haven't watched them in about, I don't know, 20 years or something.

Yeah, you know who's a big fan of Snooki?

Did you like the movie?

Did you like the movie that came out a couple years ago?

When I saw Snooki in the trailer, I said, okay, not seeing that.

And I never saw it.

Never spoke of it after that.

It was actually not too bad.

Like, it wasn't horrible.

It was a nice tribute.

Yeah, so I called the wrong number for that.

But I can't call the call center agent job because it is a toll-free number, as I said,

which doesn't work for me right now.

We got a gardener job here.

Hey, Llama, I'm just speaking about this stuff.

Yep.

Must have past experience with irrigation and improved knowledge of shrubs, flowers, and their care.

Requires an insurable driving record and ability to lift 50 LBS frequently during work day.

How big a boy are you?

You want it, Llama?

Yeah, I'll take it.

All right.

Connor Cove, this is Chrissy. May I help you?

Hello, Chrissy. I was calling about the lawn position, the gardener that you have available.

It's already been filled.

What do you mean it's already been filled?

The gardener.

Why do you still have the add-up then? I don't understand.

You don't have room for one more?

I'm really tiny. I could squeeze right in there. Nobody would ever know.

I'll call back.

Zach, she doesn't have time for this.

It's really busy. A lot of customers.

I'm changing the ID and we'll get to that again.

I'm just going to leave the transgender voice.

I'm going to put that back in the closet.

I'm not going to use that anymore.

No, it's good.

Keep it, keep it.

Yeah, I love it.

Put it in the bucket with the lotion.

What is that?

Bitch.

Oh, shit.

Thanks a lot, DuskBurnie.

I appreciate that.

What did she say?

She said that's much better than my normal voice.

americana coast is not available to take your call please leave a message okay i can uh circle

it for call back later if you remind me all right buddy yeah uh there's a job for the newspaper

itself but they don't put a phone number because they're smart going to the next page highway crew

and mowing that seems to me to be except for the heat this is to be a really chill job because

everyone always says oh those motherfuckers just stand there you know what i mean and that's the

I mean, but it's true you go by and there's one guy working everyone else standing around. What's up with that?

It's called unions my friend unions. Does anyone uh llama you're still on deck here, I guess

Highway crew and money

them you had experience from prison work

i gotta restart the program again i know i haven't even tried international members

and i bet you they don't even work anymore you said it was because it was like pulled

off their websites because they were they were like some problem with the code well they're

rewriting it was i mean it's a it was a workable flash based kind of thing and they've decided to

to not have anyone install it while they work on the revision of the beta.

I think slowly their support for the beta version has died out.

Decrease? Okay.

I think it's just simply because, you know.

But they've been working. It's been off their site for a while now.

I got a copy of it.

How much do they charge?

It's like a penny a minute or something, isn't it?

Yeah, dude. I bought $20 worth in January,

and I still have $40.32

as of right now.

And that's tons of international calls and shit

that I've done with all my calls.

Great product when it works.

Once they release their next client,

I'll keep it as a backup, but I'm going to move to

what we're

talking about.

My server just sits here. It's basically a

file server. It doesn't run anything else except for Dropbox

on it to keep it updated on certain

folders. I'm sure you can find really good international

rates on the Astra stuff.

stuff yeah i just haven't tried all right landscaper here uh we're still on the same thing

well they don't have a phone number nevermind god i hate it when they say that lawn ornamental

pest control tech marshal pest control jesus christ okay you guys okay with the music it's

not too loud not too aggressive for you it's always too loud quit telling them that's perfect

i think the level is good on the air right but it's just loud for us yeah i could tweak that too

I don't know.

How's that?

Is that better yet?

Hey, thanks, Jimmy.

Can you hear me at all now or no?

Your voice is going down with it.

Just leave it.

I just like to complain about things.

No, I like it to be good, though.

We can't hear you, though.

I know you can't.

That's not good.

Hang on.

Because we can't hear you.

We're fixing it again.

Over here.

Better.

It's a better Madhouse show when we can hear you.

Oh, yeah.

Probably works.

Yeah.

When you can hear the host.

Yeah.

Next page.

Tech Engineer IT.

Here we go.

Right up Brad's alley.

And I have no phone number because they do email.

Trades.

AC Repair.

Top Pay.

Everybody called this place, but we can call again.

The caller ID has been changed.

This is the place I just called and said I fucked whatever, you know?

The sister.

Brad, you want to be an AC Repair man?

Okay.

Tell them you just watch the videos on YouTube.

That's what I've used for that.

I'm not telling you what to do.

You do what you do.

I'm just saying.

No, I'll obey.

I'll obey your commands.

Don't do that.

I command you.

Do your own thing.

You can't do that.

I'll ban you.

You'll be banned if you do that.

What if I want to defy you and use your ideas?

Oh, I guess I'll just have to trust you.

Good afternoon.

Cox City, Gannier.

Hello.

I'm calling about the AC position, the repairman.

You know?

Service tech?

Hello?

That works.

Yeah.

Service tech or install?

I can do both, actually.

Okay.

You would need to come in and fill out an application.

Oh.

So there's just a phone number in there to tell me to come in?

Why don't you just put the address?

tell us to come in on the ad.

Oh, I didn't watch the ad.

What a waste of my time.

Stupid mother...

I'm sorry, I can't get past that.

Why did they do that?

I don't know.

Most of the time, people, when they answer the phone,

don't have any clue about what you're telling them.

Like, oh, there's a job position in the newspaper?

We are not aware about that.

Can you call her back?

I'll try and ask a question.

Call her back and say you were not finished.

You didn't finish.

Yeah, let's see if she picks up, though.

I have another company here, another AC company, but it's true.

Find a morgue in the area and send them out on a job.

The name is Cox, by the way, Cox Heating and AC.

Cox Heating and Air.

Hello, I wasn't finished yet.

I have a question about the position.

Where would I be repairing air conditioners at?

Is it residential or businesses?

It would be residential and commercial.

Do you have experience?

Yeah, lots of experience, but are there kids around?

because I'm not allowed within 500 feet of children ever since the incident?

Possibly, yes.

Is there any way we could – could we just set up something where we could tell them

that they can't have kids while I'm there?

No, we can't do that.

Sorry.

Why not?

Because they're our customers.

We can't do that.

Well, that's bullshit.

This is like violating the Disabilities Act or something.

I can't have a customer.

You need to be able to – what?

I can't tell a customer they can't have their kids there.

Well, just while I'm there installing.

I can install really fast and everything, but I can't be around kids.

It's not allowed.

I'm registered and everything.

I don't know what to tell you.

Well, it's bullshit.

I'm going to sue you if you don't hire me.

I'm sorry that you think it's bull crap, but that's our policy.

No, it's bullshit.

Not bull crap.

It's bullshit.

Shit.

Have a nice day.

Bull butter, stupid.

Stupid bitch.

Bull butter.

Little crap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Here's another AC job.

Anyone want it?

Yeah.

All right, Dwight has claimed it.

It's for AC Helper and Crew Leader.

Dwight, you've got to be on your A game here now.

You've got to be a crew leader.

Dwight, tell him your name's AC Slater.

This job was made for me.

Was he the one who would say, oh, mama, all the time?

That wasn't AC.

Hey, mama.

All right.

And then Jesse would call him a pig, and he'd be like, oink, oink, mama.

For a fast-paced residential new construction environment.

We're calling at normal operating hours on Monday, 3-5.

And they close at 3.

They say apply until 3

I'm not even going to try them again

But here's the same thing

AC techs now not a crew leader

But just for AC techs

Career minded techs by the way

You're going to be you know

Down for the career

Core the AC core

I'm just there to collect a paycheck

These are big jobs in Florida

$2500 hiring bonus

In caps

That you get after like a year

Thank you for calling Midway Services

Services. This is Gail Lynn,

HR Manager.

She's not picking up.

Fuck you, Gail.

Automotive

Technician, number one Chevy dealership

in the area, immediate openings.

Sounds like you could do that.

All right.

You're looking for Rich

Moen, M-O-E-N-C-H

Marsh.

Can I help you?

How you doing? I'm calling about the

the tech position

that you guys had listed?

Okay, you got the sales office. Hold on, let me get you

to the right person. One second.

Okay. Yeah, I'll do porn

on the next one there, Star, in the chat room.

The ones where I play the porn, say it's CNN.

Actually, that's one of my

favorite. Carlito, you froze

in tiny chat. Oh, did I?

Why? No, I'm moving on mine.

Really?

Ghost is back also.

You really are frozen, though, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was calling about the tech job that you guys had listed.

Alrighty, one moment.

Alright, Tits, thank you.

Still frozen.

Go fuck it.

Everyone reboot.

Okay.

Bear back three minutes.

It takes me three minutes to take over the streams again and play at least a prank or music.

Hello, you're Rich Moch at Mahersheva Lake Service.

Sorry, I can't answer the phone right now.

You motherfucker.

Please leave your name.

Oh, Lama dropped.

Oh, no, Lurmer.

Did he really reboot?

I'm not sure.

I hope so.

I got a tiny chat.

Okay, I'm trying to...

Alright, I was going to say, he really didn't

fall off the truck, did he?

Yeah.

Cabinet makers,

can you make a cabinet, Dwight?

I can make a fucking cabinet.

As long as they aren't around children.

Skilled, millwork

professionals want it.

Hi, I'm calling about

the cabinet making position.

Would you be able to stop by the office tomorrow and fill out

an application? Yeah, I mean,

Can you tell me a little bit about the jobs?

Yeah, give me just a minute.

What I'll do is I'll transfer you to Richard.

All right, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks.

Put Dick on the line.

Yeah!

What kind of weather is it in Florida right now, Carlita?

Hot, probably.

Is it hot?

Probably, and there's strong thunderstorms every afternoon about this time every day.

I bet you that's exactly what it is.

sorry he's actually out in the shop right now um i know it's typically we're looking for somebody

with at least five years experience cabinet building experience where you can read print

yeah i actually um i actually do my cabinet making with uh i use the chisels and stuff i

worked with uh uh the amish for actually the last seven years under uh master craftsman roy munson

okay and uh i mean i i've got experience with tools and stuff too but i like to do the chisels

and, you know, it gets the details down very nicely.

Okay.

Well, if you want, you can stop by tomorrow morning and fill out an application.

It's just not something that I can give you too much more information about

because I work in the office.

I don't know that much more,

and our production manager is actually at the shop right now.

Oh, okay.

So who did you have to fuck to get that job?

Excuse me?

Whose dick did you have to suck to get that job to answer the phones?

It's an easy job.

Okay.

Well, we're not interested, and it is my parents' company,

and I work in the office.

Oh, incest.

Oh, that's gross.

I don't do anything out in the shop because I don't build cabinets.

What I do is bookkeeping.

And I've been to college, and I have a bachelor's degree in bookkeeping.

Oh, shit.

And also your parents worked there, most importantly, right?

Nepotism.

That's what it is.

Have a great day.

Bitch.

At the same time, Dwight and I was like, incest.

Isn't bookkeeping like going to college for early childhood education?

She went to fucking technical college or something for like two weeks or something.

Yeah, to learn how to use Peachtree or fucking some software, you know what I mean?

That's all.

She probably just went to a class for that.

She went to DeVry.

Yeah, she probably just took like one community college class for, like, I forget, what are

the, Peachtree, I think it's a big one.

There's like three or four that are used.

You like that Kingpin reference there?

Yeah.

Kingpin, man.

Yeah, we got Munson.

Yeah, working with Roy Munson.

So Vincent D'Onofrio is going to be playing Kingpin in Daredevil on Netflix, I guess.

He's the guy from Jurassic Park, Jurassic World, the fat dude, the big guy.

Fat motherfucker.

The one that ruined everything.

He was Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

Yeah, he's going to be playing Kingpin on Daredevil.

I thought you would know about that, RBCP.

I did not.

I was not aware of that.

Oh, wow.

There was a fat guy in Jurassic World?

I don't remember a fat guy.

Did you see Jurassic World?

Yeah, I just saw it this weekend.

The military contractor, fat dude.

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, yeah, I know him.

There was no fat guy.

He's a good fat guy.

I'm just saying, he's going to be playing Kingpin.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I guess I'll have to shave his head and stuff.

He looks too Louisiana to me to be Kingpin.

I don't know.

know but i guess it's better than uh the big black dude playing it before it is it's dead now right

the black dude in in he was gonna be like at the end of the daredevil movie the really shitty one

from 2000 whatever oh yeah i don't know about that yeah the what's this place the one the one

big black dude that died he uh he was oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah thin red line or something

Yeah, he was in the fucking Execution movie.

Yes, that's what it is.

Not Thin Red Line.

Oh, I tried to forget about that.

The Green Line.

Green Mile.

Green Line?

Sure.

Green Mile?

I'm thinking 8 Mile.

Fuck, I can't do this right now.

All right.

Let's just go do Paul's, please.

Because if you don't know, now you know.

Edward.

If it's in the song, you're allowed to say it.

Chris Rock said it.

Yeah, that's a song.

Electrical Helpers.

Did Dwight do a call yet?

No.

The cabinet making bitch, but it went nowhere.

All right.

If you want it, it's yours.

If not, I take it.

Park it.

Experience preferred for residential electrical.

Thank you for calling S-MEN.

Our normal operating hours...

Oh, come on.

8 to 3.

Another one that's 8 to 3 on their ad.

Okay, never mind.

Fucking Clay lives in a danger zone down there.

It's that church shooting that just went down.

oh shit there really yeah he said the people that are running from the cops keep coming to

north carolina wow he said the fucking uh the the atlanta atlanta olympic bombing guy was there

he said some serial killer end up down there and now this fucking kid and i told him the guys that

escaped from that new york prison are probably there too wow it's probably a coincidence but i

know a cat i know the kid that they arrested his last name is ruth and then yeah i know a guy in

And Charles sent his last name as Roof and he happens to have a son.

I meant to call him earlier and I forgot.

Really?

I mean, not like he would answer if it was his kid anyways, but...

Did you know, guys, they caught the guys who shot in South Carolina or something like that?

Yeah, one of them was Roof, right?

It was a kid and his last name was Roof, I believe.

Yeah, it was just one dude.

The Roof kid, Roof guy, yeah.

I didn't know about it until like 11 o'clock this morning.

I was like, what's this all about?

I'm like, oh, shooting, damn.

Yeah, president's talking.

i'm like okay there was one cat in the chat room was just going hard racist like right during it

calling to shut up mom i'm gonna call it home i was like dude shut up man

was it a white dude just curious uh that would be a spoiler if i said if it was what bracy will

it's up here they just uh they're not gonna indict this one cop that killed this 17 year

old kid during a traffic stop and like i i bet nobody ever fucking heard about it because the

The kid was white and the cop was white.

But yet it had been a white cop and a black fucking teenager.

It had been all over the place.

Oh, yeah.

They showed the video in, like, these, uh, what is it?

That's one of those news, like, we're trying to get, it was InfoWars.

That's what it was.

Oh, yeah.

And they're like, oh, look at this, look at this.

I'm like, dude, the kid was being a fucking prick through the entire thing.

Government put this on.

I was like, no wonder he got shot.

Hey, electrician's still here, boy.

Hey.

Yeah, you got the electrician's positions.

Yeah, you got an ad there for electricians.

You're looking for electricians.

No, I think you're an old bitch and you need to get your act together.

Now tell me about the job.

Listen, how about I come over and I'll wire up your vibrator

and fucking make it do double speed.

I'll hook it up to a car battery.

Listen, I'm going to come over, you old lady.

I'm going to hook jumper cables up to the car battery

and I'm going to hook them up to your nipples and make them spark.

My life?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to get you going.

I'm going to get that fucking pussy flowing like the Hoover Dam again.

How old are you?

88.

When's the last time you had some sex?

So what have you been up to?

Drinking.

Yeah?

Lots of drinking.

Where are you drinking?

Yeah, I'm a bowler.

I go on the bowling tour, and I lost my right hand,

and I have a hook there now.

They munsoned me.

They munsoned you?

They munsoned me.

Yeah, that's correct.

I'm traveling with an Amish fellow

With an Amish man

He's traveling with me, he's my friend

Oh, okay

But listen, I know you're my landlady

And I'll fuck you for the rest

What?

Are you lonely?

No

Are you married?

No

Why not?

You sound like a spry old lady

I am

Yeah, you want to go on a date?

Why not?

I don't like going out with old men

I'm not old, I'm a youngin

Who's behind you?

Who's behind me? Nobody. You fucking scared me for a second.

Here, talk to the Frenchman. He'll woo you.

Hey, I'm the Amish friend.

Who?

What are you up to?

Who are you?

I'm the Amish friend.

Amish friend?

Yes.

Is that yummy like ice cream?

Oh yeah, quite tasty. But I'm sure you know quite more about that than me, right?

Yeah, okay, whatever you say.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So what were you doing before we were calling you?

My girlfriend and I were just sitting here having a glass of wine.

Scissor party? Is that it?

No.

Huh? Why not?

Oh, what kind of wine? Are you all, like, hair-headed right now?

No, we're...

Want to play? Want to play a game?

No.

Why not? Are you feeling tipsy right now?

Not yet.

You should smoke weed. It could help you.

What number did you want?

Hey, do you want to have sex on the phone right now?

I'm quite ready right now

I already lost my pants if you know what I mean

I said obviously you have the wrong number

No no no no

I did call you right

Hello

That explains it

She's fucking drunk already

Damn

And I lost my pants

Carlito I never knew you were that skinny

That's

That's KDK

That's a video of KDK

they're playing on

if you're not watching it i i just

found that i was messing around and

i found that like oh shit i gotta play

this oh my god and you have a big like

stain on his face

i'm gonna let me try like from the beginning

why the fuck would you ever go

and care about looking like that

it's it's katie k i guess

i don't know he's got like a big jizz stain

right in the middle of his shirt

he's lifted

weights

go katie k

was he drinking vodka and lifting weights

he's doing both

he's drinking vodka and cranberry

then he spills it on himself

while he's lifting weights at his computer

I love KDK man

ah it's Perlman

it's YouTube

nevermind

oh that shit was funny though

okay let's continue

this is so weird

I'm drinking some wine

I'm like wait a minute what fucking time is it

hopefully she's not on the west coast all right uh four truck driver excavator operator yeah

and salesperson hell yeah anyone want to drive the big trucks brad you down no okay pass good

train wreck do it train train fork truck driver okay all right an ex pirate marina hey i'm calling

about the car driver position truck driver position uh truck driver yeah you mean a fork

work truck you heard me right boy what can you tell me about that i'm sorry i've got some noise

in the background i can't hear what you're saying i'm sorry let me walk around the corner what was

that i said what can you tell me about the job boy what job the job that you are offering we

don't have any ads running in the paper oh yes you do motherfucker i have the paper right here

right in my hand i'm showing it to you you right now yes you do i keep watching the kdk video

And having a great time

It's just so awkward

Why did he do that

He's just so weird

When I've been drinking

Doing exercise is the last fucking thing on my mind

You know

I'm gonna start fucking lifting weights

I'm still fucking giggling

About the picture of that

Old lady from Kingpin

I'm gonna fuck you for the ride

It'll be alright

Gordo

Yesterday we were

We called some embassy I believe or something

something and we're pretending gordo was uh we took him to india i think we called india

and that me and uh baz took our uh grandfather to india and now he's trapped in a whorehouse

that he can't get out and this lady she was trying like hell to like help me we can't come

in there to get you and like baz was being nice and i was just being belligerent i was i was like

grandma drag this fucking bear i was like you'll get drunk with me i was like tell this bitch to

Just shut up, Gordo, in his old man voice.

Get the fuck out of here.

I start fucking losing my shit.

I'm like, oh, I keep forgetting it's Gordo.

It's not like his old man is chewing me out like he was Lenny's fucking brother.

Yeah, Gordo, look at Kitty K.

He's drinking Sunkin' Dice, Sunkus, out of the bottle, out of the two-liter jug,

after chasing a shot of something.

I guess vodka he just took after working out.

And he looks like Skeletor.

He's dead.

So, yeah, Tiny Chat.

Okay, now he's gonna smoke a cigarette, alright.

He smokes a gay cigarette, like, when you hear him on air and he's smoking a cigarette,

he does the, like, he's like, he really gets all that nicotine in him, like a super gay.

He busts a nut every time he eats it.

It legit confused me, I was concerned, I was like, who the fuck is that on his camera?

Cardito.

Alright, let's see what we got next.

Well, I was like, somebody's impersonating Carlito in here!

I was, I was pissed.

Yeah.

Hey, Cardito, do you have any car technician?

um uh i'm looking okay i'm going through them in order so i haven't seen any yet

because if you want any more uh would like sorry go ahead oh no that's all right i'll just say we

find more hvac uh yeah i had an h let me go back i just saw a big hvac line but it looked like it

was uh a fax only let me look inscapers we did we did the trades bmw but no phone number sometimes

Sometimes I look them up real quick.

Like, I just look up based on the ad.

I can find out what company it is, and I give them shit.

I've done that.

It takes a few minutes.

That's for the city.

I didn't want to call the city.

Did the electrician.

Tropicana Company has one, but it's all online.

General Maintenance Worker.

Email.

Here's the big H back when I look again.

It has a lot of numbers, but they're not phone numbers.

I'm out.

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm out of jobs.

Thank you.

No, we can still do pranks.

Okay.

But I'm just out of jobs right now.

uh from print let me go over to things for sale uh for sailor trade a witness box the hell is that

and two and 300 rounds of ammo text only okay sure 300 round of ammo yeah but yeah and there's

also like a witness box never heard of that that's weird right is it the corlock box the

motherfucker eaa witness ball

Okay, yeah, if you got job numbers, private message them to me to IRC.

Grab him from there.

Someone remind me to get him, though.

So I'll forget it.

I'd be able to do a really good show

if I had someone who could just be like a producer.

Just keep calling and just give me control of the music

and the dialing,

and someone else could handle everything else.

That'd be so good.

I don't have anyone around here who would do that.

Soft doesn't want to do it.

He doesn't want to get into it.

He'd have to be an actual person.

But I do fine, I guess.

Alright, here's a 2000 Dodge Neon for sale.

Once again, if anyone wants it, just holler.

I'll do it.

I'm actually about to take a break, because I've got to start next week.

Huh?

Yeah, so you've got a 2000 Dodge Neon, 1650 Oboe,

gone ASAP, engine in good shape, has a new water pump and seals,

car is overall in decent shape.

There are some minor dents on passenger side that was there when you bought the car.

They don't affect how the car runs whatsoever.

Okay, yeah, we need to know some more stuff about it.

I'm going to put my brother on the line who's going to be checking it out for me.

He's a mechanic.

Okay.

All right, and here he is.

Okay.

Hello.

This is Lenny.

Hi, this is Rhonda.

I'm Brandy's mom.

She's selling the car.

Hey, Brandy, can you tell me about the car?

What can you tell me?

Well, we've had it for four years, and we brought it from Colorado and to Delaware and then to Tennessee.

did you drive it yourself me and my daughter okay do you does your daughter and you sit in the front

seat or in the back yeah yeah like if you have to name two seats that are the most used right now

which one would there be all of them there's three kids oh i see the seats are in very good

condition there's one little dinky burn on the driver's seat and that's all okay is it like a

a stain like no it's a little burn do they smell can you can you go like because my brother he has

a thing for the the car seat you know you like to smell them brandy just cleaned the seats in

the carpet oh that's a no-go okay yeah but keep keep keep talking to me right now i don't think

so why not what carlito i'm here sir what happened okay i'm sorry to throw you in there

she hung up yeah i know i'm sorry i'm sorry i tried yeah that's not your fault that's more

mine like but i was like trying to go like you like to smell the car seat like oh yeah man yeah

but she said that she washed them damn it that's a no-go that i said yeah because i had the guy

that said he uh he had already been arrested for doing breaking into cars with just a sniff

Yeah, I've been smelling the seeds.

It graduated in masturbation.

Oh, yeah.

He was car dealership, I think it was.

It was some shield serial murder story stuff.

He started out just breaking in to smell the seeds.

Oh, my God.

Then he masturbated.

Tonight on Cups.

Come on, Grosel.

No one is available to take you out.

Please no early birds, it says. So for this yard sale, don't be early.

Or a bird.

I'm going to call them at 5 in the morning on Saturday.

Hey! What'd you have to say?

Hey!

It'd be good to get a bunch of delivery there, but no one would really.

Just call a taxi or two over there. Just a car show up and ring the doorbell.

Me and my bitch.

Oh, Carlito, you've got to watch that video I put in the IRC.

Hello? Hello? Hello? You're having a yard sale?

Who's speaking?

Oh, this is Ed. You're having a yard sale?

No.

It has listed here that you're going to have a yard sale this weekend?

If you heard it or saw it on the computer, yes.

So why do you say no?

Stupid.

Well, I don't know who this is.

Well, my name is Ed. You put a phone number out there to contact about the yard sale.

Well, there's nobody here right now that can tell you about it.

What do you do?

What do I do?

Yeah, what do you do? You just clean in the kitchen barefoot?

Not quite.

No? What do you do all day?

Do you watch soap operas? You watch soap operas all day, huh?

I don't have time to talk to you right now.

Do you smoke thin cigarettes and watch soap operas all day?

No.

Yeah, you do.

I don't smoke.

Don't I?

You're one of those people.

Talk to my husband.

Where's he at?

He's on the other line.

Hey, husband.

What do you know about this yard sale?

You're going to have plus-size women clothing and little girls clothes?

No, I guess so.

I don't know.

It's some other girls having it here.

Oh, are you the plus-size woman?

No.

Who's the plus-size woman?

Well, I can't tell you all that.

Okay, because I'm interested.

I'll pay $75 a pop for a plus-size woman to give me her panties that she wore for two days straight.

Well, I don't have time to talk to you, okay?

I'll pay $90 for three days.

Tee hee.

Orange is the new black.

Shout out.

Yeah.

Got one more episode to watch, man.

I'm almost done.

I'm on nine.

I haven't watched it.

I'm going to finish it out tonight.

I wanted to last night, but I would have been up to like eight more.

Just me and my bitch.

Yeah.

No, I'm on episode 10.

Fucking shit.

Yeah.

Hey, look.

Miniature horse for sale.

Horse.

Yeah.

Horse.

Who wants it?

Please.

Somebody.

Horse.

And I gotta take a break

After this

Look at KDK he's about to pass out

Holy shit

He shouldn't be walking

He's trying to suck his own dick

Hey you got a miniature horse over there

Do what?

You got a miniature horse?

Yeah I'm trying to get some information

About it

So how old is the horse

And how many miniature hands

It's seven

Seven? Okay.

Is it male or female?

Male. It's male.

Male? Can it suck its own dick?

Hello. Tell that kid to shut the fuck up.

We're having a conversation.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to get information about the horse,

but your kid's being a loud motherfucker.

Now tell that kid to shut the fuck up.

You're going to have a goddamn attitude.

Don't fucking call his number.

Shut up.

Bitch motherfucker.

Fuck you.

We're going to fuck your horse.

We're going to rape your horse.

Okay.

Let me try to call him one more time.

Last time, we'll try to call him back.

Was he not wearing pants when he got up, Carlito?

Yeah, he tried to take off his pants.

Yeah, dude, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he lost his pants and I started laughing.

I forgot that was in there.

I hadn't seen it in a few years.

Sorry, it's me, me, me, me, me, me.

He saw his ass.

Hello?

Yeah, you hung up, motherfucker?

What's your problem?

Hey, I'm with the Hopkins County Sheriff's Department.

Oh, here we go.

You're a liar.

You sure?

Such a bitch.

What's your badge number?

I'm going to run it.

You're going to run it?

Yep.

Because we're also with the Sheriff's Department, by the way.

Yep.

Undercover cops.

Fucker.

Yeah, fucker.

All right, I've got to take a break.

It's okay to impersonate the cops if they do first, right?

Yeah.

At that point, it's weapons-free at that point, you know?

Okay.

Definitely.

All right.

Fifth Amendment.

Listen, I need a few minutes to get some stuff in order here for the arrival of Her Majesty.

I'll be right back

Brad Dwight, train wreck

and Lama are here, I got numbers from Elky

to call, thank you for tuning in

just a moment

you're listening to

on the largest

prank call station in the nation

prank call nation

when you put your GPS

in your box and a trap door

at the bottom, you die, you open

a trap door at the bottom, you check

the GPS and you go straight

Straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Yeah.

All right.

Good afternoon slash evening, everybody.

I'm Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio.

That's right.

And I'm here with Dwight and Llama, who have remained with me through the break.

Thank you.

I know this is an odd hour

and it was fun having Trainwreck and RBCP

you're welcome to rejoin

at any time

for the time being I am back with these two

knuckleheads

so what are we doing now

let's look at these Elky numbers

these are job numbers apparently

so that's good

keeps its own theme

I think I've done Elky's job numbers before

and they were good

I think I could be wrong

I get a lot of shit thrown at me

Llama, Dwight, are you guys hearing me?

Are you talking?

I masturbate a lot, you know?

Oh, yeah, okay.

These are in Billings, Montana.

Yes, that town that's blowing up.

There's a lot of unemployed people there already.

Satellite technician, paid training, bilingual.

Satellite technician.

You know who did that before?

It was Dwight.

Yeah.

You want to get back into that or fuck it?

Many fucking years.

Yeah.

Please hold while I try to connect you.

lost my patronage here we go drivers start now all caps yeah get it and it's not ringing yeah

shut up mace mace is a quitter double quitter triple quitter

That's all he does.

That's Sir Cambodian Breslin.

My name is Mace with a dollar sign.

Hey, this is Barbara.

Hey, my name is Mace with a dollar sign for S.

I see that you...

Okay.

I see that you...

Jesus, I'm so shit.

Go ahead.

Do you have job openings for Drivers Start Now in the Western USA?

Absolutely.

Hold on just one second.

Thank you.

I got to focus.

Stop fucking around.

Sorry.

What an amateur thing I just did.

This is Tim.

How can I help you?

Hey, Big Tim.

How you doing, big guy?

Well, I'm just finding frogs here, and according to some, split three different ways.

Oh, yeah.

I like the way you talk, man.

Man, I've been watching this news about that shooting over there.

It's horrible.

About what?

Oh, the shootings over there in North Carolina, South Carolina.

Oh, wow.

Oh, man.

I guess that's why I live in Montana.

Yeah, well, that's why I moved over here.

I'm from Charlotte, and they killed nine people in the church.

This guy, this guy killed nine people in the church.

Anyway, so you got drivers.

Where would I drive?

Out of here, out back, or what?

Out of Montana.

We go Spokane, Washington, basically to California, California to Denver, Colorado, Denver back into Montana.

and uh do i get is it five days a week do i get time at home it varies and it's well you work a

70 hour work week listen can you are you watching tv there or something i don't know what no i'm

not i don't know what the noise is coming in it sounds like it's on your end of the line

can you turn that um video down are you watching like a adult movie or something i'm not no

No.

Wow.

It's quiet here, but yeah, that's what I'm hearing too.

And it's like, huh?

It's like a little distracting.

I don't know where that's coming from.

That's exactly what it sounds like, but yeah, it's not off my end.

It just stopped.

Wow.

That's better, huh?

Anyway, so can I come down there?

What do I got to do, fill out an application?

Or do you want to ask me some questions first?

So where do you live?

I live here in Billings.

Okay.

Yeah, I live in the Methodist Church right now.

Okay.

Okay, so how much driving experience do you have?

I had eight years of experience before I done come over here.

Okay.

I got a clean record, CDL license.

Pardon?

I got a clean record, CDL license.

Okay.

Since you live in Billings, probably the best thing for you to do, do you have access to a computer?

Yeah, but why don't you put for Billings, and then the Billings Craigslist if it's a problem.

It's not a problem.

We run through there all the time.

Oh, nice.

Do I use my own truck, or do you guys get me a truck?

Hang on, give me a second here.

You with me now?

Yeah, much better now, man.

I drank 54 gallons of Mountain Dew to wake up this morning, and boy, howdy, does that, I mean, you don't drink that, you rent it, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's just like beer, almost.

Yeah, but anyway, what you'd need to do is fill out an application for me online.

line can uh can i pick up girls and have them come drive them it'd be pretty that's just the

end of conversation you got lot lizards there in those runs he did indeed hear but he's stuck in

there he had guts he's a hero you know to all of us we should all take an example from like he's a

real american hero g.i. joe all right you must be 16 years or older dishwasher runner runner and

kook kook yeah that's a lot right yeah what'd you say that's a good starting job must this job here

you must be 16 and over a dishwasher runner and cook oh cook okay i said kook like joke

i thought you said something else kook yep yeah that's what i said no not that all right bye

hang on i gotta do the whole sign out sign in no no no what are you doing

No, no, no, with Voxox, not you.

Chill out, bro.

Did you upload that show yet to the showreel?

No.

I did, but I had the same trouble that I had yesterday,

so I've got to do it the same way that you told me yesterday.

Well, it showed up yesterday at some point.

Oh, okay, well then, yeah, it should be good.

Yeah, you sent it to me, but I ended up deleting it anyway

because it was a piece of shit.

No, because I already had a coffee.

There we go, there we go.

Now it decides to work.

So who wants to be a dishwasher?

I'll wash them fucking dishes.

I've been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Motherfucker.

4, 0, 5, 5, 9, 8, 4.

Good.

All right, guys.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Um.

Where am I?

Okay, rain gutter installer.

No, not like this.

Not like this.

Killing.

uh who's next mechanic needed mechanic llama you were asking about one of those

maybe dwight can let you do it if you still want to do one of those

no okay mechanic for dwight all right go ahead mechanic is needed

hello you have reached agricultural express in billings montana

If you know your party's extension, you may press it at any time.

If you would like to speak to the dispatch and brokerage department, press 2.

Gravel division, press 3.

Safety and recruiting, press 4.

Accounting department, press 5.

For C&L, press...

I guess 4, right?

Recruiting, right?

Ag Express, Frank speaking.

Hey Frank, I fixed shit and I was calling about the mechanic position that you have available.

When can I start?

You've got to fill out an application first.

Oh, we don't need to do all that.

When you see me, you're going to love what you see.

I'm three goddamn bags of just mechanic.

I actually have mechanic tattooed across my penis, if you can believe that.

You won't believe the shit I can fix.

How do I go about filling out this goddamn application, then?

What do I do, get online or something with the computers and shit?

Where are you at?

I'm just up the street, buddy.

It's up the street in the new apartments by the Walmart.

Do you want to come over and fill one out, or do you want me to email it to you?

Yeah, I guess I could come on down there.

Okay.

You mind if I, uh, I'm a little, I've been swimming.

I got my little man thong on.

You seen them new man thongs?

Just cover up the frankenbeans, but it goes around the side.

I'm going to come down there with that and my little wife beater on it, if that's all right.

If you got the women here, you might scare away.

Nah, nah, when they see this big fucking hog I got, if anything, they'll be tackling my ass.

I might do you guys a favor, get you some more customers, you know?

Who am I speaking to? Who is this?

I just told you my name's Craig.

No, I didn't tell you that, did I?

My name's Craig.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I fix shit with my hands, my goddamn hands, my man hands.

Well, I'll come out here and fill out that application with your hands up.

All right, God damn it, I'm on my way.

All right, thanks.

Dick swinging.

All right.

Listen, the documentary I was mentioning before, it's called The Overnighters, and it is on Netflix.

It's about people, like people, a lot of people went to Billings, Montana, and yeah, Billings, Montana,

when this big oil boom occurred a few years ago, especially because it was the middle of that great recession,

and all of a sudden like media was saying oh yeah hey billings montana you can get paid 20

something an hour to wait tables and stuff like that so a lot of people moved up there but what

happened was a lot of those people had records uh are alcoholics have drug problems etc etc

and they can't uh get the job and they end up up there they spend all the money that they have to

get up there you know to join the big oil boom and all of a sudden they find themselves without

out of place to stay homeless living in a car you know chasing a dream up there and they couldn't

get it so this dude was a pastor um the documentary follows this pastor who has a church and he opens

it up to these you know homeless people um we're trying to find work trying to find something the

entire church is full he's got like i think like at least a hundred if not more of these people

are sleeping in the cars and there's a big fight between the city and you gotta watch until the

the very end because i will not give the spoiler out but it was one of the my my mouth my jaw hasn't

dropped during watching a documentary in a long time and when that happened i was like wow i

wasn't seeing that coming but then like i kind of anyway you gotta watch it please do yourself a

favor if you haven't watched it yet watch the documentary called the overnighters it is on

netflix because that's where i watched it unless it's been taken off since then and then just look

for it somewhere you can probably rent it off of various sources or get it certain ways however

you want piracy yes okay continue on with the show ranch hand needed ranch hand well i used to

work at horse machine ranch road yeah taking it oh man i take this one zero six six okay never

mind machinist hydraulic repair shop is it machinist i don't know yeah you're looking

for a machinist for the machine what's that you're looking for machinist uh job for machinist

for the machines?

Yeah, let me have you

talk to Perry.

Hold on a second.

All right, fucker.

Fuck what?

Okay, thank you.

Shits.

We're right.

Oops.

Ah, motherfucker.

Right?

Hydraulics, this is Josh.

How may I help you?

Yes, hello, Josh.

I'm calling about

the hydraulic

bastionist job.

Uh, okay.

Yeah.

Do you have, uh,

if you want to send us

to your down in Florida?

Yeah, I like to make

the machines go

and make the machines go.

Okay.

I know how to make them go.

Outstanding.

Yeah.

Send a resume.

hydraulic email address uh so how do i repair the hydraulic fluids i replace the hydraulic fluids

is there a lot of replacing hydraulic fluids are you messing with me no i have a degree in fluid

dynamics okay yeah this is for machinists yeah but i have experience as a machiner okay well

send your resume to the uh all right listen well a lot of people been trying to get a hold of you

about this job so i'm going to put uh dwight on uh he also wanted to talk to you about the job

He's here.

We all live in the church together.

We sleep in the church together.

We're homeless.

We sleep in our cars in the church parking lot.

Come on.

Yeah, that documentary shows how there's this kind of like, oh, the out-of-towners.

Ew, they fuck everything up.

You know what I mean?

Like the local people fucking despise them.

Those blankets are so, they're such a nuisance.

All right.

Glass door technician.

Dwight, I skipped you over before.

You want it?

Glass doors, yeah.

He's a hammer.

I hammer him in really hard.

Oh, but I got something even better coming up here.

All has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

How about a janitor job, Dwight?

Well, I guess Dwight can handle that.

That mop.

Mop time.

Okay.

Steve, please leave a message.

Whatever, Steve.

Listen, I got to change that caller ID because that guy said Florida.

He was checking.

Speaking of mops, Orange is the new black.

Spoiler alert.

alert but uh there's broads may or may not rape a prison guard with a mop handle at some point

i'm just saying why would you say that now you ruined it for me no no i didn't it's it's still

a surprise it's it's still a surprise it doesn't happen how i described it you'll you'll see

thanks for nothing calling that janitor

again with a different eye what the fuck is going on over there my dog has to do it again i gotta

i gotta make a loop out of that dude i never thought about doing that that's the end of one

of those songs in this album where he's like he tells the girl she's like i don't really know

Steve, please leave a message.

Alright.

Pizza Prep.

Woo!

Wood-fired pizza.

That's some good shit.

You're a motherfucker, right?

Yeah, wood-fired.

Ow!

Alright, I'm going to play that during the next call.

With your permission, Dwight.

Thank you.

Sure.

Pizza Prep.

Here you go, boy.

Yeah, it's nice to see Xbox One's going to start doing the back compatibility this year.

Yeah, man.

Cross compatibility.

Let's get it.

Yeah, and backwards compatibility.

They'll be able to play the 360 games on it.

Yeah, no, we can get some, we can PS on board.

Sony.

This is Bryce, may I help you?

How you doing, Bryce?

You got a job listing here for some pizza prepping?

I do.

Yeah, fantastic.

What can you tell me about it?

You know, we've got, you know, some openings and positions.

Mainly, I'm looking for growing someone into this,

because I'm going to have a large chunk of my experienced staff

leaving middle of July and end of August for going off to college

and finishing up grad school.

Oh, okay.

So looking for some folks that are going to have a lot of noise in the background there.

Oh, I think that's at your end.

I got everything muted.

All right.

So, yeah, at that point in time, I've got that going on.

And with that, looking for some folks that have got some good experience

and whatnot going on with, you know, we don't do any grilling.

We don't do any sautéing.

We're just prep, production, and then the manager and myself,

we think of me uh cooking pizzas and so it's just cleaning and organizing and keeping things uh you

know nice and tight and clean and looking good so what kind of experience do you have i actually

worked for uh papa john's for three and a half years uh down in orlando and uh i actually did

the i was a driver uh for pizza hut for about two years okay and uh so yeah i mean i got pizza

pizza experience uh i i just had to get rid of the uh uh the driver position because i had a dui

so i can't do that anymore and they wouldn't even they wouldn't let me just go and start doing the

uh you know cooking the pizzas and stuff they just fired me and i i don't know i thought that

was a bad deal gotcha yeah definitely well for yourself um are you here billings then obviously

yeah okay if you want to take a swing by um you know probably tomorrow morning maybe 10 or so

that would be great to um look there's some weird sound on my phone i i don't hear what you're

talking about that's good because this is crazy going on here oh um so with that um

you know taking that phone application that we can do a little meet and stat to go from there

that'd be great okay yeah that'd be that'd be fine with me um you say like about 10 you know

probably about uh 9 45 10 would be a great time okay yeah i'll swing by over there and uh do you

You want me to bring a resume or something?

That'd be perfect, yeah.

If you got one, that'd be great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got one.

Yeah, I'll bring it on over and see what we can get done.

Sounds very good.

Thank you much.

Yeah, thanks to you.

All right, man.

Bye.

Yeah, bye.

I didn't even want to fuck with him.

It sounds great.

Just going to be searing all that shit.

He's like, oh, there's something going on with my phone.

I'm like, oh, I can't hear anything.

I wasn't muted.

I almost fucked it up.

I heard you fucking laughing like, I think you got something going on in the background.

Oh, man.

All right.

Let's continue.

Dietary aid with an E at the end.

Aids?

Yeah.

That's it.

Fuck a bitch.

Now when I'm fucking off 10, I'm invincible.

Don't love no hoe.

That's my principle.

Fuck a bitch.

hang on

yeah you got a job for dietary aids um no if we do do you if you could come in and

what do you mean you don't know a lot of applications it says on the machine here

a dietary aid with an e at the end does that mean i have to be you have to be a woman because of the

e at the end no okay all right yeah because i i used to plan meals for a big hospital all the

time i used to plan the shit that they would eat you know it had to be 1500 calories etc

i had sodium considerations you know and the kidney one you know low potassium you know okay

okay yeah man and diabetic low sugar no sugar added low sugar motherfuckers okay yeah thank you

all right hey so where do i go to fill out the application machine i don't think we're interested

with the language that you can't do that you can't do that you have to you have to let me do an

application i know the rules i know the laws okay the address should be on the internet okay so i'll

look you up and then i'm and and you don't i have a right to have you guys consider my resume and

read it over sure fill it out yeah and i have a right to have an interview too you have to do the

interview too yeah you can't deny me an interview sure you can't deny me an interview or i'll sue

you okay i'll sue you all right thank you i like to sue a lot of that's how i get by i sue i've

sued three companies since i moved to billings from north carolina okay sir i need to go thank

Thank you.

That's how I get, but the last...

Running out of money.

Running out of money now.

I need a new lawsuit.

I need a job so I can get some kind of lawsuit.

It's funny, but there's people in the world that live off that.

Oh, yeah, I was going to get this job until they say something kind of racist and make a big deal about it.

Man, I'm going to get a settlement.

Or I'm going to get unemployment.

I'm willing to talk.

I'm here with a broken ankle living off of...

Our call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

All right, we're in need of massage therapists.

Excellent.

I have experience getting them.

Wellness Center, this is Marjamee.

Help you.

Yeah, fine.

I'm calling about the massage therapist job.

I'm a massage, well, I have experience with massage therapy.

Oh, okay.

And do you have, are you a licensed massage therapist as well?

Well, I received, yeah, I've done massage for a long time.

I do massages for birthday and anniversary gifts for my spouse and my fiancé and my

my guma you know what a guma is yes yeah but but now you're licensed in the state of montana

yeah uh-huh yeah i am and i get a lot of i get an asian massage every week from the same girl

if you know what i mean okay yeah okay um i'm gonna have you um let me see i think dr mitchell

has an email address that that he has everybody's line dr bitch hang on yeah hang on a minute please

Alright, fuck her. She knows what Kumar is, right?

Mistress, for those wondering.

Shout out to Tony Soprano.

I think what we need is some Oh God Bill. What do you think, Dwight?

Bill, yeah.

Knock her out of here.

Dr. Mitchell, this weird guy's talking about massaging his mistress.

Talk to him.

What?

Oh shit, I think she's picking up again.

She was transferring me. Damn it, why did I hang up?

Stupid.

Good afternoon, it's a wonderful day at Vitality Wellness.

This is Marjorie May. Help you.

Hello, I think I actually got disconnected when I was trying to...

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, hang on one minute, please.

It's my fault.

That's fine.

This is Kayla.

Hi, Kayla.

I was calling about the massage therapy job.

I have eight years experience.

I'm licensed in this state.

Just got it transferred over from the Carolinas, passed tests and everything.

I got a clean HIV test.

I got the whole panel clean.

Everything came back clean.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I just threw that at you.

I'm sorry.

Can we start over again?

Hi. My name is Ed Rosenthal, and I am a former massage therapist looking for work. How are you?

I'm good. How are you, Ed?

Oh, I'm well. I'm better now that I'm talking to you.

Good, good. So, are you located in Billings right now?

Yes. Yes, I am.

All right.

I live at the Billings AME Methodist Church, unfortunately. Please don't discriminate because I'm an out-of-towner, you know? An overnighter, please?

No, no.

Okay. I do good work. I just can't find massage work here.

Right. Okay. And so you were a massage therapist for eight years.

Yeah. And see what happened was the, I decided to come up here to try to work on the oil, you know,

because my tips, my tips and stuff started dropping in my massage therapist job

because I was working for a massage company and a new guy took over

and they basically you know want a proactive illegal you know and i refused to you know do

hand jobs and stuff like that i said absolutely not um they pressured some of the other licensed

ones to do it um so i ended up getting the worst of the clients i ended up not getting tips and

stuff like that it was bad it was bad um but i have integrity you know i refuse to right you know

do anything like you know mutual masturbation or oral sex or anything like that i would never do

that to a client you know then now i moved up here looking for oil work i was working on the

oil pipes and they started calling me fluffy for some reason i don't know why that was my nickname

i got into a big fight um with this uh african-american guy because he was you know

making sexual comments towards me you know and i'm basically blacklisted from all of the oil

companies now uh they know because i got into a fight that it's basically like getting a

dishonorable discharge in the military you might as well so then i lost my apartment all i had was

my mercedes suv and i haven't parked here i've been living out of it you know i got all my stuff

in here and my cat mika is in here and um yeah i mean i'm willing to you know even do you know

the hand release if that means that's what kind of job it is because i i lost i can't i used to

have this moral ground and i've been so beaten so beaten down i'll i won't you know masturbate

another man or a woman if that's what they want well we're just looking to do chair massages and

local business thank god thank god i was afraid you were gonna tell me that

no no um thank god thank god you have professional clothing that you'd be able to

wear to these events um i can get some stuff yeah they got a big bin here with a bunch of

clothes that we can use yeah okay what should i wear what kind so i know what to look for in the

big bin they got here clothing business casual um oftentimes when we do events it's going to

to be with larger corporations so we want to dress um either you know equal or close to the

caliber of the people that we'd be working with all right so then i i do have uh neck tattoos but

i can cover them up i have uh the makeup professional makeup to cover it up um flesh

color makeup yeah but on my hands there's also makeup and the problem is i mean there's also

So I have tattoos between my knuckles and I can mask them.

But when I'm doing a lot of massage, it starts rubbing off, you know, and it says kind of some curse words, you know.

OK, I've thought about getting them maybe changed or something.

I just don't have the money yet. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. But it says like my right knuckle.

So when you look at it, it's the left. It says F.

you see you know the word there and then on the other side it says jesus i don't know why i was

forced to do that uh they forced me when i was in college there was a i was rushing for a fraternity

and they forced me to get it done and they ended up not even you know i was just a pledge and never

got in yeah it was um the skull and bones you know like it was like an illuminati dark kind of

Society at Harvard

And, um, yeah

Yeah, that happened

Okay

Alright, so, um

Are you calling from a cell phone, or

How would we be able to get a hold of you?

Oh, yeah, the, uh, this is, uh

What they call, you know what they call an Obama phone?

Uh, I have never heard of an Obama phone

It's like a free phone

With, uh, like 300 minutes a month

It's talking right now

Okay

Yeah, it's talking to me right now, actually, I don't know why

my phone's talking to me but yeah um the government gives them out free if you're poor

shut up phone i don't want shit leave me alone phone this phone i'm just talking and it thinks

i'm talking to and it says what do you want and it starts looking up people to call motherfucker

excuse me a minute okay excuse me a minute please yep still in what's your fucking problem phone

no damn it now it wants to google search what's your fucking problem phone so what's the best

thing that I can do. Did you have any questions

for me? I just need to know

how to get a hold of you so that we can

call you back. Oh, sure. Yeah.

That's the local area code.

You should have it on

406-195-3695.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to talk to

my boss and see what he thinks

and then we'll give you a call back.

Alright? Alright. Do you like

Chipotle or anything? Maybe

we could do lunch. We could talk with my

discuss my abilities

skills you know my career profile i'll invite you maybe like starbucks about you for coffee

or maybe uh we go to chipotle and get you i mean get some burrito bowls and talk it over

i would need to talk to my boss first and then um call you back or some good perfume all right

when you do that all right you know what i mean okay or some nice sexy i like boots too

were boots like the the thigh high boots i do like that hottest kind of footwear woman

that was weird right whoa all right housekeeping housekeeping here you go

hello you you got a position for housekeepings it's not too long

Oh, hang on, I'll call him.

Oh, bitch.

Okay.

Had to kick my kid's ass and tell him to get out of the room there.

Sorry.

Yeah, put five fingers in his face.

It's a great day at Mary Nade's.

This is Alicia.

Yeah, you got a listing for housekeeping's positions?

We sure do.

Oh, fantastic.

What can you tell me?

Um, what would you like to know?

Um, how much the hours are, like weeklies, in the rate of the pays.

And the hours

Hours of work in JAWS

So

The teams come in at about 8.30

And anywhere

Between 4 and 6

And then

You get $9 an hour to start

And then you're put on percentage after that

Which is 20% of each house

Holy shit, it's thundering outside

So I'm sorry about that

The thunder startled me, it was very loud

Oh no

Oh, no, like what type of places do we clean?

Is it like hotels or?

Residential houses.

Oh, residentials, okay.

Now, when we go to clean, is it like one person cleans?

Is it like you do a team on a house?

Yep, we do teams.

So teams on a house, okay.

Okay. And do you say they're mostly women's? They work here? No men's?

We do have one right now. Sometimes we have more, sometimes we have less.

Okay. And what are your views on police records?

Let's see. You have to be able to be bonded, which basically means that you can't have a felony.

No, I plead it down. It's misdemeanor.

Well, we do do background checks, so if that comes back okay, everything should be fine.

Do do.

Yeah, I had sex with a woman.

She did not consent, but I pleaded down to Mr. Miner.

Yeah, we'd have to wait and see what came back with the background check.

Yeah, it's okay now, though.

It's Mr. Miner.

I can be a bonds.

I can bonds this.

Bonded.

Yes, I bonds the bonds.

I can do this.

So what I'll have you do is come on down and pick up an application, and then take it home and fill it out, and then bring it back.

Do you know where we're located at?

Yeah, I come down at the, where you're located?

Let's see, are you calling from the Missoula or Billings area?

The Billings.

Billings, okay. So Tori's not going to be in the office until Tuesday of next week.

Let me put you on hold for just two seconds here.

Okay.

Okay, are you still there?

Yes.

Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to go ahead and get your email address,

and then we'll kind of just go from there.

Let me grab a pen here.

Okay.

Okay, and can I get your name and phone number, please?

Yeah, my name is Juan, and the last name is Gonzales.

Okay, and then what is a good phone number to reach you at?

My telephone number is 323-157-2261.

That's my cell phone.

Okay, and then can I get your email address?

Uh, yeah. My email address is, uh, N-O-N-O, uh, D-A-D-D-Y at badtouch.net.

Alrighty, so I will go ahead and pass this information along, uh, to the Billings owner and operator, and then she'll probably get a hold of you next week.

Okay, um, do you know, like, if, uh, if I were to come to the office and, uh, like, maybe eat your pussy if I, maybe I'm more in line for jobs?

Oh man, come on

Oh shit, I got bad news

I actually gotta go because the meal I'm making tonight

is going to be a pan fry

Pan fry, sounds good

Yeah, I looked at the target package information

for it and yeah, it is a pan fry machine

so I'm unfortunately

not going to be able to just

throw it in the oven and forget about it

so sorry about that guys

But I want to thank you, Dwight

and you, Llama, as well as Brad

and Trainwreck, it was good to hear from them

who all joined me today.

That was excellent.

I appreciated that.

Dwight, you have anything going on that we should know about?

You got a show Saturday?

Yep, Saturday.

Saturday at 10.

Mama's going to work on uploading his show from a day and a half ago, whatever.

I did.

It should be up there soon.

Okay, bye.

All right, bye.

All right, bud.

Oh, thanks, guys.

See you later.

Catch me Sunday.

I'll be on again Sunday.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, listen.

I created some mugs.

uh we'll get no profit for them but if you want to go to prank call nation

dot spreadshirt.com there's some madhouse radio mugs they say stuff like horse uh put a man on

the phone what else do they got hang on what do they got it's the madhouse logo with a url to it

and it also says uh stuff like horse at four there's also some shot glasses they're expensive

things you know we don't get any money out of it but it's fun shit horse hey big girl put a man

on the phone and one coffee with heat i want to get that one the madhouse mug that says one coffee

with heat come on it doesn't get any better than that there's also t-shirts ladies t-shirts a men

t-shirt a hoodie and a tank top there you go it's a frosty beer mug but it's too expensive 1890

1890 for that motherfucker it's up to you whatever hey guys uh i'll be back later on thank you

sunday sunday sunday

What’s Your Fuckin’ Problem, Phone?

Calls (33, 1 h 16 min of 2 h 25 min)

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