Language!

What the fuck? What are you doing?

You do not ever call back here again. Do you understand me, folks?

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get the cuttings. You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

It's not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Broadcast.

Oh, excuse me, Ricky.

Ricky, I did see what you were doing.

It felt good, didn't it?

It's all right.

We all have feelings like this sometimes.

I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room.

When you're a little bit older, we'll have to talk more about these feelings

and what causes them and how we can control these feelings.

I'm sorry I intruded on your privacy.

I'll be sure to knock next time, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.

and tenants and fans

watching around live.

The host of the show, Machine.

Hey, everybody.

Thank y'all.

I'm hosting Madhouse Radio Special

Friday night.

Hosting Place of Jaiad,

who's on vacation.

He's on an assignment right now

in a secret area that we can't talk about.

It's great.

I did manage to bring in...

Did he get out of that legal problems

that he was in?

oh we're not okay um but hey steven aspenwall and mike dadani because they're normal and regular

phone markers i brought you guys here yeah thank you hi i'm mike dadani hi aspenwall hey careful

driving dwight mcclanahan here dwight mcclanahan is also a host on prank call nation he hosts a

show called dwight mcclanahan pranks just left the voicemail

oops um and uh matt hillock is here hey matt

hello howdy everybody nashby everyone knows 12 14 matt is back on your show's gonna be back

monday then on pcm right oh yeah i guess i am yeah oh i haven't given you a fucking picture

Zach sent me one

he took a really bad

copy of that one

I can take a decent one

and he just put and Zach's on it with red

like

in red aerial

does it kind of work

you gotta look at it go to the website

and click on party time

that's too much but yeah

if it kind of works

I like that our shit's kind of half ass

I think you just do prankcallnation.com

slash party time i thought that's what it was supposed to be set up i might have not done that

oh yeah that's all you got to do prank call nation.com

yeah that's not too hard geez he's here nashville are you cleaning up toilets

i'm actually watering uh the lawn out here at work oh wow that's a lot of mosquitoes maybe

probably at this time the fucking really it's hot as hell and the lawn's all dried up here

You've got a shitty connection.

Are you on Wi-Fi while you're outside?

No, I'm on a cell connection on Skype.

Oh, jeez, man.

All right, well, we'll keep you on, I guess.

I'll keep you on.

That's fine.

Hey, I'm just out on Monday to see Milkman.

Okay, did you get a hold of him yet?

Yeah, sort of.

I'm probably going to send him a message.

I'm leaving town on Sunday, and I'll be out there on Monday,

so I'll get a hold of him somehow.

somehow, but you might want to mention

to him he needs to get a hold of me on Skype

for the final information.

Alright, I'll do that, and then,

alright, great, and then Llama's here.

Hey, Llama, that applause, that Llama connected.

Happy Friday, guys. What's going on, man?

I haven't talked to you in a while. You doing alright, buddy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always, always, always.

Carlito, sir, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

Thanks for asking, and I'm great.

Thank you. Once again, thank you

for asking again.

um his pink sock went back inside wow uh we need someone's looking for a caregiver to work in their

home serious inquiries only you must know cpr on first day you have to be certified in that shit

matt you have to be certain i think at one point i was certified for cpr so in high school everyone

got certified in one of the classes i know what like working a lot of electricity we had to do

this thing oh yeah you know i got certified in third grade yeah what boy scouts and shit

to coolest friend your cousin is to coolest hey carlito in the fucking tiny chat that guy's

rocking that giant fucking shirt yeah he's got it that's the way you say you should go

I think so

you should ask the listeners

yeah the

um

the shirt

is he wearing it who is that

I'm trying to see is he sideways

yeah but that's the giant

so yeah I

posted on Facebook

you can buy the shirt with me

the picture of me that

I have my shirt off of the man boobs hanging out

and all that

this is madhouse radio and it has the website in the back

but smaller than the current one that what's the guy who made it he's wearing it i believe

that's him he's showing it so you say it should be larger like that like i i think so i mean

i always you know what it reminds me of i just remember when the movie dick tracy came out

and there were t-shirts that said dick tracy really big because everyone thought it was going

to be the next batman because it was the year after it didn't and it didn't it flopped but

but it's just pictures of Dick Tracy's head really big.

I don't want it to be just like me, like that real big.

I don't know.

I just, there's a lot of real estate on a shirt, man.

I'll sell two different designs versions of it, all right?

Yeah, that could be, I like the back thing too.

And I know it's like, yeah, you're not even getting like no profit off these.

They're your fucking sweetheart.

Yeah, you know, they're expensive as if the mug is real.

It's like 1850, but it's the same thing.

Dang, it's got me.

You can have a picture of me with the man boobs hanging out on your coffee or tea mug.

It also works for tea.

Anything with heat will go in this thing.

Oh, how about one egg?

Well, you can put one egg in there and scramble it up, put it in the microwave.

Smart shroom.

You can have a shroom tea, nigga.

Yeah, because of the heat.

A picture of a finger in front of an apple.

You don't even need heat.

You can just do a cold.

Hey, speaking of which, let's call places in Santa Monica.

Santa Monica.

Hey, Corlito, that number I just threw in there, if you want to call it awesome, later.

It's a Vietnamese restaurant in Guam.

This motherfucker is good for several bags of laughter, I promise.

Bags, okay.

He got fucking so mad last night when I called him.

Thanks for bags.

Yeah.

Good night, Paul.

You always got the best cuss.

Yeah, you guys have heat?

Have what?

Heat.

Do you have heat?

Heat?

Yeah, how do I make the heat go?

What's your phone number?

2-0-1 Broadway.

That's your room number?

It's 2-0-1 Broadway, yeah.

That's the hotel?

Yeah, that's the number.

Are you staying in the hotel?

Uh-huh.

Hotel Carmel.

Yeah, what's your room number?

2-0-1 Broadway.

Can you come to the front desk?

It's not very easy.

Can I put my handler on the phone?

Can you put what?

Can I put my handler on the phone?

Your handler?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right, handler, go ahead.

Yeah, I don't know how to handle him.

We need to know how to turn on the heat.

Look, how do we turn on the heat?

The heat should be the same in every room, all right?

We can't see the room number anywhere inside from here.

There's too much steam.

Yeah, we don't want to open the door because...

Because we've been trying to run the shower to make it warm in the room.

But when the water cools down, it gets colder.

There's like a low pressure system

Inside the room now

Condensation shit yo

There's like little mini tornadoes

On the bed

Are you having fun?

Not really this place kind of sucks

Santa Monica really sucks you know

There's a lot of you know

A lot of Jews

I handle

I keep them

I steer them clear of the Jews

Especially

On this weekend

where all the Jews are allowed to get married.

Whatever.

There's Dwight.

Many tornadoes on the bed.

I've never heard that before.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Taberna Restaurant.

This is Wes.

How can I make a day better?

Yeah, we want to make an order for Spanish shit.

Well, we actually don't serve Spanish.

Well, it's the Spanish tapas and paella.

In Spain, you don't even go out till 1 a.m.

Jesus Christ.

Kind of figured.

Kind of figured what?

Figured which?

Figured bitch? Did you say bitch to me?

That's not the last time I checked.

Bitch motherfucker.

Fucking shit.

What are you from, like, one of those different parts of Spain that you think you're independent?

No, not the last time I checked.

Or from the Basque area, is that what you mean? You're not Spanish, you're Basque.

You're so fucking cool.

He's one of those disgusting people.

Yeah, one of those guys that only Rage Against the Machine talks about.

Right, is that...

Killing in the name of...

all right can we fuck dude oh my god you were saying some weird shit they're like i kind of

figured i kind of figured all right whatever you guys have any ideas for types of pranks you want

to do i don't do the giant things i don't go to craigslist you can make hey if you want to set up

some craigslist ads or something i don't know no it's just hanging out with you but i got

Do what now?

Yeah, exactly.

Can I put an order in, please?

Sure, what would you like?

I'd like the red shishito peppers.

We no longer carry those.

Cauliflower fritters?

We do have those.

One octopus carpaccio?

We don't have that anymore.

One savoy spinach salad?

We don't carry that anymore.

Do you have the roasted organic mushrooms?

Yes, we do.

All right, one of those then.

What about the fava bean mousse?

We do.

All right, one of those.

One caramelized onion meatballs.

One cider braised chorizo.

All right, do you still have the Wagyu beef carpaccio?

Yes, we do.

All right, one of those.

One paprika shrimp.

One order of the olives, the cured olives that you have.

One crispy pig ears.

One croquetas.

One mussels.

One grilled asparagus with dried tuna.

One spicy potato skin.

Okay.

And I like one of the quesos and putidos plates.

Carry that.

All right.

Do you have any of the cheese plates anymore?

Sure.

Which one would you like?

Do you have the cheese and charcuterie plate?

Yes, we do.

All right.

Do you have the jamón ibérico de pelota charcuterie?

No, we do not.

Charcuterie.

No.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

And then I'd like one Catalan hidori chicken.

We don't carry that anymore.

warm. Do you have chili

grilled ribeye still?

Yes, we do. Alright, one of those.

One hamburguesa? We do not carry

that. Okay. One bacon

wrapped pork tenderloin? We do not carry

that. Alright, one

peyla valenciana?

Mm-hmm. One seafood

peyla? One rack of lamb?

Actually out of that. Alright, one majorcan

fish stew? Mm-hmm. One

squid ink pasta? Alright.

And, well, can I get a total, please?

Sure. Can I get a credit card from you?

No, I need the total first to make sure that I give you the right card.

I have different available balances on each of them.

Sure, sounds great.

Hang on just a moment.

Okay.

We've got to make this funny at some point.

It's already funny.

Why do they have a menu available that nothing's available?

That was everything that wasn't a drink.

Hey, give me some drinks, yeah.

You want some sangrias?

They got five.

Sangria to go.

Red pepper sangria.

I've never had sangria.

it looks nasty it's just it's cheap wine with fucking it looks like yeah it looks like expensive

pruno yeah and i think they might put a little extra hooch in there give it a little kick or

something yeah it's stupid it's the finest of prunos dude i'd be all over some pruno in the

joint yo man that's a big job it's gotta taste classy like sour yeasty oh but yeah after that

that first sip or two, and, like, that warm booze feeling hits you.

I'm sure it's all right.

Nah, I'd yak it up.

That'd be $348.20.

All right, I'm going to put Matt on.

He's got the card.

I think he's choking.

Dwight?

Jesus, Nate.

How you doing there?

Yeah, get him.

Hello, sir.

Hit him in the back.

Hello.

Hit him in the back.

Hello.

Yeah, they put me on.

What do you need?

You need a card.

A card.

credit card are you are you ready do you have access to a fax machine uh yeah i got a fax

machine okay do you have access to an email i need to get a copy of the driver's license that

matches with the credit card front and back yeah um shoot me over your fax number real quick i don't

have the email but i could do the fax okay you have any yep i'm ready to go three one zero three

one zero go ahead one zero five i'm sorry you cut out there three one zero five all right three one

310.

5 is the last number.

Yeah, but what's the rest of it?

310.

Uh, yes.

393.

310.

393.

4285.

3105.

2184.

All right, yeah, I'm going to rifle you over the, uh, um, the driver's license and the,

uh, the, uh, copy of the credit card, and then I'll give you a call right back.

Yeah, can't wait to see it.

All right, thanks.

God bless.

You made the check for nothing.

Um, hey Dashie, where you at?

It's time to send some dick pic faxes.

You better hurry because that number went out over the air.

I'm looking at it right now.

What are they going to do, call the fax machine?

Well, they'll tie it up.

Are you trying to get the big dark dicks out to him or what?

Well, actually, everything is dark except the dick.

I feel like a goober, but I just started laughing when he said,

I'm going to give this over to my man, Matt.

I'm like, you're joking over here.

That's funny

I got all shy

That number goes to petite spot

Petite spot

Oh you guys are posting numbers

Hang on let me get to

Oh so he bullshitted us huh

Perfect

What a bitch

You want me to call back

Let me see if they have their

Fuck that

Let me see if they have their

Facts on their website

About

I saw a telephone

They gotta have a fax number listed on here

Or you could try to call

See if you get somewhere else

Let's look for Google Map.

Telephone.

XORing.

I guess not.

Contact.

Oh, yeah, contact.

No, no fax.

So he was full of shit.

Yeah, seems like it.

There's a link to their site.

If you can look, maybe find it from there.

Or find it some other way, you know, some other nefarious way.

Sure, they got to have a fax.

What the hell is this place?

Is that a wine barrel?

Yeah, it's like a cask barrel or something.

That's the place we just called.

Alright, let's call some more. Let's call something more

in this area and then we'll get to those numbers you guys

are putting for me.

I got a sushi place. Anyone want a sushi place?

Sushi.

Johnny Rockets.

Ooh, Johnny Rockets. They got the burgers?

Yep, they got the old style burgers.

They have tots.

I want some tots.

You're a tot.

Tots.

You gotta say it like, I want some tots.

I want some tots.

Tots.

Yeah, I'd like some tots, please.

Pardon me?

I'd like to order some tots, go.

You want to order some what, sir?

Some tots, go.

Hold on.

Wow.

JJ John Fashion speaking.

How may I help you?

I want to order some tots, please, go.

I'm sorry?

Do you have tots there?

Do you have tots?

Jeez.

Do you have tots?

Tots.

Do you have tots, you stupid bitch?

Don't you understand?

Hey, Sony, how can I help you?

I want to order some tots, please.

I want to order some motherfucking tater tots.

Hello?

I want to make the order.

The order.

Make the order machine go.

to go please

these people are fucking idiots

way too fucking loud there I'm not gonna call back

cause it's too fucking loud

I'm digging that big old

Carlitos shirt I'll tell you what

that's a nice shirt

I'll get another version of it up with the

bigger image so you can make

your own choice what you want

Heisenberg I'm sorry go ahead

no no fine

Heisenberg I think was listening last night and you said

you'll get to him later but yeah that motherfucker

fucker just went crazy dude it was so much fun i think i got my first death threat thank you for

calling sugarfish in santa monica we work on a first come first serve basis we don't take

reservations and we don't see incomplete parties to place a to-go order or to speak to someone at

the restaurant please press one we don't take reservations please press two for more

it's one of those japanese like you want to see on tv like the japanese

Hey, Sugarfish Channel, Monica. This is Zoe speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, listen. What do you mean you don't take a reservation and you don't let me sit in my party?

What do you mean?

First come, first serve. Party my ass, motherfucker.

Sure, yeah. We don't take reservations.

So what people do is they come to the door, they put their name down.

This is like some fucking Japanese guy runs it who wants to do his own rules like he does over there.

Like, oh, you only call me, make it, no reservation.

Like that.

I'm so sorry, I couldn't quite understand what you just said

Is he a typical oriental Japanese person that runs this?

China man

Yeah, China man

You know, I honestly don't know how to answer that question

Is there something I can do for you?

Are you a real person, or what's your problem?

I definitely am

Do you have a particular question?

Is there a man I can talk to maybe?

Maybe you're on your menstrual system and I can't get through to you

You're emotionally blocking me out

Is there a man I can talk to?

Let me grab my manager.

Hold on one second.

That's nice, honey.

I think that's a lot of food.

That's like church music.

It's a good jam.

You son of a bitch.

Come here and let me buy you.

Let's get to Bingo.

China sushi.

And choppy chop chop chop.

So do you think it's going to be an Americanized boss or not?

Do you think we should just kill it?

Yeah, let's just call back.

It's nice music.

We got into it for a while because of the music, but let's get down to business.

Thank you for calling Sugarfish in Santa Monica.

We work on a first-come, first-served basis.

Don't take reservations.

She's your Sugarfish.

Matt, should I have had you say, hey, Sugar Tits?

That was your...

That's your shit.

Sugar Tits.

Hey, boy, are you the manager there at Sugar Tits?

Yeah, my name is Andrew.

Yeah, were you the guy that the girl was getting for me

and was taking so long?

What was she trying to get for you?

I forgot

he's not a manager

he's homosexual

is there a man that I can talk to

like a man man

is there a particular question I can answer for you

or else I'm going to have to move on

you have like an accent

I have an accent I can't really understand

you have an accent

I can understand you clearly

so if you have anything

I can't I just maybe

maybe something you're speaking

if you have a particular question

I don't know what he's saying. He's like clicking like it's

Sounds like fernando from gta

All right, he's gone. All right, leave them alone

That was marginally funny

Shut up

Shut up. I'll cut you off

Cut his dick off. Oh, you know, what's uh, awesome carlito is uh dashie compiled a shitload

of 7-Elevens

with the owner's names

and a bunch

of Waffle Houses and Planet Fitness

all with managers

I heard where the 7-Elevens

were asking who was the

owner's name

and Morgan or someone was saying

they're like okay

well that was with the Diet Coke thing

remember that's how we were getting by

actually

the Coke has went off

did you edit that yet the Diet Coke

I haven't got to that one.

I've got a bunch of them, the ones we have done.

Like the assistant manager one,

when the guy's like, don't do it, it's a prank call.

He's like, no, no, no, I can tell.

I'm like, yeah, absolutely.

It's not a prank call.

Dude, but the one Indian guy was flat.

Dwight, did you hear the other night

where the chick do it three times

with three different bottles

and told her to go outside and draw a big dick

on the front seat of the car?

Yeah, I did hear that.

Yeah, Matt, I got a guy,

he was the assistant manager

and his fucking employees yelling at him.

And he's like, don't do it, it's a prank.

And he's like, no, it's not, it's corporate.

I'm like, yeah, absolutely not, it's not a prank call.

He's like, I can trust you.

He said something like, I can trust you or something.

Yeah, with a two liter of Diet Coke, and I fucking have him drop like six Mentos into it.

He's like, oh, it's a good thing I did it back here.

I just made a hell of a mess.

Yeah, he said it would have hit the ceiling if you hadn't blocked it with his hand.

And then I told him I had to make sure it wasn't a false positive.

So he fucking got another one and did it again.

Oh, man.

Oh, I did record the one guy where we were getting him to put all this shit in the condom,

but we made him put the hot dog in the condom.

And then I told him to pull down his pants and underwear and wave it over his head

and yell, I'm an Aztec warrior.

He clicked, like, so fast.

He was, like, clicking straight up, super fast click.

maybe one of those to play during a break or something oh yeah oh yeah hang on aztecs i haven't

heard from cheeseburger in a while putting this thing aztec nation uh i don't know i got the one

black guy uh that was in the cooler and he was just swearing up a storm while he went out and

started ringing up people like fuck you motherfuckers all right here i'll call 7-eleven

try it let's try it all right remember we determined i can't i'm not i'm really bad

I'm trying to get through as a corporate office.

I suck.

I'll get my video up in a second.

This ain't your thing, dog.

No, Dwight does it good.

Dwight and Robocop.

Okay, Comcast, my co-edited team.

My name is Scott.

Good evening, sir.

How are you doing tonight?

This is Dwight calling from the corporate office.

Hi.

This is Dwight calling from 7-Eleven corporate office.

How are you tonight?

I'm good, sir.

How are you?

I'm doing fantastic.

I'm calling about the recall on the seventh select water.

We got a notification from our bottling plant in Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania, about some possible E. coli contamination, and what I need to do, sir,

is I need to do a quick test on the product, on the 7-Select water, as well as a 2-liter

of Diet Coke, to make sure they are not contaminated.

So I need to take the 7-Select water and the 2-liter water?

A 2-liter of Diet Coke.

Uh-huh.

I need you to grab both of those and bring them to your workstation.

Uh-huh.

So if you could go ahead and do that for me now.

Oh, you want me to do it now, or?

Oh, yes, please.

Can you call tomorrow in the morning so that the manager...

Sir, I already spoke to the manager, and he told me to call tonight when you would be less busy.

He said tomorrow there's lots of people, so we need to do it tonight.

Okay, just a minute. Let me help you out.

Okay, thank you.

You want me to grab the Diet Coke?

Yeah, two liter of Diet Coke and a gallon of the 7-Select water.

Correct.

From the cooler, right?

Yes, please.

Okay, and then which one?

One gallon of the 7-Select water.

Right.

Bring those back to the counter there.

And then I have to have a reactant, and when we put these in,

it's going to change a color if it's contaminated.

So I need you to go to the candy aisle and retrieve a tube of the Mentos mints.

Sure, no problem.

Let me go inside the office and do it.

Okay.

Right, you need to go to the candy aisle and get a package of Mentos mints.

Mentos mint?

Yep, M-E-N-T-O-S, Mentos mints.

They come in a tube.

tube yep m-e-n-t-o-s they come in a long tube is what it looks like uh mentos mint the blue one

yeah so it's a mentos mint yes correct yeah it's a mentos mint there are two mentos mentos fruit

and mentos mint no no just mint we don't want the fruit okay yeah the mentos mint works fantastic

um if you go back to the water we're going to open up the water first we'll test that first

Well, there was E. coli contamination at the plant, and they bottled the 7 Select products as well as the Diet Coke.

And this is going to tell us if it's contaminated or not, and if it is, we'll have to pull everything off the shelves.

And we'll have the merchandiser come in there tomorrow.

I'm sorry?

Okay, now I need to put Mentos in the water?

Yeah, open up the water.

Drop two of the Mentos mints inside of the water, and we're going to wait 30 seconds to see if it changes color.

Let me.

sure two minutes yes all right and i'm gonna keep count here and uh we're gonna wait 30 seconds and

just let me know if it starts to change color sorry let me close the bottle no no it can stay

open it doesn't need to be shut okay and then for the coke uh for the coke all right go ahead

is the diet coke open okay the diet coke okay yep i can confirm i heard it open and i want you to

drop three of the mints inside of the diet coke three what oh that's not good

oh no that's bad that's bad that's bad test um shoot i think it may be uh contaminated

i know i that's what happens with the contamination the pressure it shoots up

how high did it go still coming still coming man oh my god i think i have to all right um we need

need to we need to do this test again i need to make sure we do it twice to confirm but it's like

breaking out i think i have to crash it because what happened i think it's contaminated but we

have to confirm it we have to do the test one more time so i need another diet coke but you do it in

the back do it in the back by the sink this time so we avoid big mess yeah just in case you know

so go grab another diet coke just a minute just a minute please all right no problem how many did

did you put in before that happened oh he's not there hope he didn't slip he said his office is

all fucked up it's not his office jesus christ nashby pressure stupid copy i have to trash it

i don't know it's coming hello yeah hello okay so how many minutes did you put in there before

this happened just just one okay yeah we needed we need to do it again did you grab another diet

Just a minute. How about the water? What do I do with the water?

No, water is just...

Okay, water's okay then, but we need to do another test on the Diet Coke

because it shouldn't do that. Water's fine. Water's good.

Okay, so what do you want me to do with the water?

Yeah, well, you'll just discard it and then write it up as waste.

And I'll call tomorrow and I'll give them a code.

You want me to do a sample?

Yeah, a sample.

We'll do the same with the Diet Coke and the Mentos, but we need one more Diet Coke.

One more Diet Coke?

Yep.

I hope so.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

You didn't get all that stuff all over you, did it?

Did it explode on you?

Just like two of them.

Right.

You know how we drank.

Well, you didn't shake it up on the way to the office, did you?

No, we didn't.

Okay, be very careful with this one.

Try to walk real slow.

Okay.

You want me to pour one?

Three, three mints.

Three together?

Yeah, all together, three mints.

uh drop them same time if you can all together right yep go for it okay i don't i pray to god

it doesn't uh pray to god it doesn't that means we got to come get them all what's out

oh does it kind of look like what would happen if right after you were finishing

you were motherfucking and then you came yeah yeah is it kind of like you know when a gandu

he sprays, he goes, oh, oh, gandu and marachot.

Marachot?

Is that what the marachot does with your mother?

Who are you?

Terimadi.

Terimadi's here, you know?

What the fuck?

What are you doing?

I'm with Terimadi marachot like that.

That's what it looks like.

That was nice, buddy.

He did too.

That's awesome.

That's good.

I just like the phrase, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

It's going.

Carlitos.

You should play

Under Pressure

It's Under Pressure

Oh yeah that's a good song

That's a good tune

Bullshit

Too much pressure

Like the champagne

The pressure

What he said

Vodka

That doesn't happen with vodka

What's he talking about

He obviously doesn't drink vodka

Then I'm sitting there blaming him

I'm like you're shaking up on your way to the end

He drinks vodka.

That was very good, dude.

All right, that was fun.

Good work, Dwight.

Area.

All right.

We could do more of that area, but real quick, I got to get to your numbers.

I'll go on late tonight, but we got to do Huddle House.

We got some Huddle Houses here.

They're 24-hour diner-type restaurants.

I think What's-His-Face would like this.

Lama.

Oh, yeah, I love Huddle House.

I know you love Huddle House.

Well, I mean, you just love diners, I should say.

What am I talking about?

If you want to do it, you can, if anyone else.

Aspen Wall over there hasn't done anything tonight.

Hey, Virginia, good afternoon.

How are you?

Hey, I'm doing fantastic.

My name is Craig.

I'm actually calling from Atlanta with the corporate office with the IT department.

You got that?

You got that, Virginia?

What?

I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you.

The exhaust.

All right.

Can you go somewhere where you can understand me, please, Virginia?

It's pretty important that we speak with you.

Give me just a second.

All right.

I'm not your babe, though.

Hey, it's close to a pilot.

It's close to a pilot station.

You know, the trucker stop.

Gotcha.

I'm vacuuming, son of a bitch.

Vacuum up all them pubes.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.

Come on, Virginia.

Where'd you go, sweetie, honey, baby?

Baby, hang on.

You clearly said you're not a baby.

Yeah, I'm not a baby.

Okay, go ahead, honey.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Virginia, not a sweetie.

Excuse me, not a problem, sweet cheeks.

Not a problem, sweet cheeks.

The reason I'm calling, I'm calling from Atlanta with the corporate office.

There's actually HIV in the line there with the IT department.

We're going to need to do a quick break or reset.

Can you help me out with that, please?

Awesome. Well, it's not that hard. You have the cordless phone there, right?

Your store hasn't been remodeled yet?

Okay, great. Yeah, it'll take two seconds.

Just walk back there through those double doors.

You know where the breakers are on the wall right there.

It's just one quick switch, and then that'll reset on our end, and we'll be good to go.

How am I doing with the breakers?

All right. Did you get back there? Do you have two boxes on the wall, A and B? Is that correct?

Okay, great. Open up A for me, and then there's a switch in there that's much, much larger than all of the others.

Just let me know when you see it, and then I can set my system up here,

and then we'll go ahead and have you flip that down um yeah but it should be really large it

may even have an m next to it and if it's not an a it's going to be in panel b all the stores

are different unfortunately yo okay that makes perfect sense so that that's all you got to do

both those switches it's very important at the same time that they both go down and then that'll

reset and we'll get rid of the hiv in the system uh flip them down for three seconds and then flip

Flip him right back up.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

HIV.

I almost blew it right there.

I'm like, what?

I'm just going to start saying it.

I'm going to say diarrhea next time.

There's HIV in the line.

Carlito, you see they gunned down one of those escaped prisoners?

They gunned him down?

Yeah, killed him.

He's dead.

Yeah, really?

What happened to the other one?

Was he on his way to Canada or shit?

The Matt guy.

The last name is Matt.

Matt.

It was about 5 o'clock this afternoon that happened.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know.

They have it narrowed down to where they get a game.

He got into a gun...

A shootout with the cops and the cops...

Hey, what happened?

What did I miss?

What happened?

What are you talking about?

One of the escaped prisoners from New York

was shot and killed today.

Last I heard was that they thought

they were on their way to Canada.

Yeah, one dead, second on the run.

They weren't too far,

but they were only like 30-some-odd miles

from the prison.

Oh, wow.

Cops and smells of gunpowder

led officials to the escaped killer.

Wow.

Ah, David Sweat is still on the run.

David Sweat, here, let's play it out.

As has been reported, there was a civil complaint, a civilian complaint in the town of Duane.

There was a gunshot that was fired at a camping trailer.

The state police responded to investigate the complaint.

They came upon a cabin.

They went inside the cabin.

They detected the smell of gunpowder.

the law enforcement partners were then notified and the Customs and Border Patrol tactical team

helicoptered in and approached the site the team came upon Matt who was an escaped prisoner from

Dannemora engaged Mr. Matt who was armed and Mr. Matt was shot and killed we have no reason to

believe that mr sweat was not with mr matt at the time but we don't have any confirming evidence

that he was either there are several leads that are being tracked down as we speak that's weird

about mr sweat and his possible whereabouts but we don't have anything to confirm honey uh where mr

sweat is at this time mr sweat mr sweat yeah hey he's related to keith sweat key sweat his

his white brother they used to put those jambas at the slow jam to get those juices flowing you

know yeah so that was uh governor andrew cuomo son of the great governor mario cuomo isn't that

great so they got him you know they got him i really wanted those cats to get away why because

they played the system yeah i think they left that fucking sign with like see you later with

the chinaman that's funny all right that would be kind of funny with the sign saying all right

see you later thanks didn't you see that sign they left i heard about like on the pipe it was

like a fucking stick figure like chinaman thing it said see you later i don't know what it was

was he bowing no it was just like hey i put it on facebook see you later okay look we're calling

I'm calling back the Huddle House.

Lama, you've got to wrap this up, man.

Right.

You've got to wrap it up.

Nice.

I'm in Huddle House, Virginia.

Hey, Virginia.

This is Craig.

I'm calling back here.

I just wanted to thank you for getting that done for me.

Did everything reset on your end and come back on?

May, it's heaven.

Okay.

You know what?

That usually takes about 15 minutes.

Don't worry about it.

I should have probably told you about that.

That may be my fault on my end here.

Tell you what.

If we could just do one quick customer survey, we'll go ahead and compensate their meal for

Obviously, you lost power there, and that, again, was my fault.

I didn't have the system set up here on my end quick enough.

But could I do a quick customer survey, make sure we didn't tick off anybody too bad,

and go ahead and buy somebody's meal for them this afternoon?

Yes, so we just can't find them in person.

Yeah, I mean, I'd prefer.

The locals tend to kind of favor you guys, so maybe not a local, but it doesn't matter.

Honestly, at this point, I just have to call two other stores.

I just want to make sure they're not too ticked off at us and give them some free food.

Talk to them?

Yes, ma'am. Pretty please, sweetie.

Hey, may I please ask who I'm speaking with? This is Craig.

Hey, Megan. Do you eat there often?

Or actually, I'm calling from the corporate office. Let me explain myself.

The reason I'm calling, I'm doing a quick survey.

Make sure you're not frightened that the power just went off and all that good stuff.

And I'm going to go ahead and compensate your meal for you, if that's all right.

Oh, you're very welcome. You don't mind answering a few quick questions for me?

All right. So, Virginia, your waitress there, how pleasant was she to deal with tonight?

Right. Right. Has she been working on her weight issue that she had?

I know that she had that gastric bypass recently. And does she look fit, proper and clean to you?

OK, great. The cook behind the grill tonight, is he an African-American gentleman or a white gentleman?

OK, no worries. We'll just disregard that. That's not very important.

Virginia, the waitress's name, right? The waitress that you had, she served you tonight. Is that correct?

All right. On a scale of one to 10, 10 being absolutely and one being never, how hard would you put your tongue up against her pussy lips and just eat that shit all night long? One to 10. Simple question, ma'am. Are you there? Hello? Hello, Virginia. What was wrong with that lady? She was really, really rude to me and she was cursing and stuff. Is everything all right? I'm sorry. Virginia, she told me that she just saw you rubbing your crotch before you brought out her food. Is this true? We can't have that, Virginia.

Virginia. No, that's not true. I'm going to have to go ahead and I'm going to pull up the security

cameras here in the store just to prove it to me. Could you go ahead and have one of the customers

smell your fingers just so I can verify that they don't smell like pussy? No, I won't. Is this a

prank call? No, ma'am. I'm a Christian. I don't have time for prank calls, sweetie, honey baby.

Hang on just a second. I'm going to let you talk to one of our cooks. Well, I'm going to need to

see someone sniff those fingers because if they smell like pussy, you're going to have to go

wash your hands. Hello, sir. My name is Craig. I'm calling from Atlanta, Georgia. How are you?

Hey, something's going on with your waitress there. We've had a few complaints tonight. Do you have any issues with her personally, sir?

Okay, so she doesn't masturbate frequently and then serve customers with her hands smelling like pussy because that's what the complaint was.

I'm just doing my job here, sir. Just like you. I can't hear you.

I'm sorry. Could you please speak English and not redneck? God damn it. I can't understand you.

I got an idea. I got an idea really quickly. Could you just go ahead and put this big dick in your mouth and suck it? How about that?

That's how much I care about your opinion.

All right, sure, yeah, I'll come right down there.

You call back here and talk like that again, we will have this.

You do not ever call back here again, do you understand me, punk?

I'm in big trouble now.

All right, I'll call back again.

Fucking redneck.

That was awesome.

Come down here, son.

Don't you come down here again.

I only lost it once when I said her fingers smell like pussy.

Your fingers smell like pussy, you're going to have to go wash your hands, goddammit.

I tried to use it.

Is this the same guy?

What is this place?

He said call again.

All right, hello?

Hello?

You got a problem with my boy llama. You got a problem with my boy llama. He said you don't talk shit to him

Well, you don't you don't call talk shit about mama like that motherfucker you

What did he say what they said he threatened to fight him

What's what's the area code on that storage is curious

606

Let me change my name like Hawaii

It's kind of.

It's got that O in the middle.

Yeah.

That ruins it for you a little bit.

That fucks it up for me.

Yeah.

I'm adjusting my caller ID to match his, and we'll call back, and we'll put Llama back on.

He's ready to fight.

He's ready to throw.

Skunky said we should say that her fingers smell like Waffle House or some shit.

I still like pancakes.

Hey, I'd like to place an order, please, sir.

Well, can I just come on down there and eat, then?

Well, I'm going to come down there, and then I'm going to put my dick in your face, asshole.

Well, what do you think about that?

Um, I'm, uh, back to you guys.

Oh, wait, cops are coming there to get the number.

Can we just read the number off to them and be easier?

Can we just put our dicks in your asshole face?

Is today a bad day with them gays getting married?

I guess, it's, yeah, the rednecks are off.

That one, that one basketball, or a football player.

We're losing everything, man.

Did you hear that one football player who compared gay marriage to pedophilia?

Hello?

Thanks a lot, Dwight McClanahan

Sorry

What team did he play for?

But yeah, he compared gay marriage

to pedophilia

It's just like when a 30-year-old

loves your 10-year-old now

I made a gay mad today

I said, oh great, next you can marry

your own fart

What?

He said, how do you compare

gay marriage to marrying farts?

He was pretty

The smell

I think it'd be cool

How would you save your farts?

Stimpy

Stimpy had a fart child

I'll fart her in a bottle

Remember he had like a little ghost child

Did he really?

No I don't remember

It was one of those later episodes

It was called Stimpy episode

Sorry it was a cornerback

For the Vikings

Was it Dante Colbert?

Those Vikings, they're a little suspect.

Where's the story?

There's a lot of the quias up there, if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, so he got on Twitter and he says, love is love.

So what will they say when the 30-year-old loves your 10-year-old when the dad loves his 6-year-old?

It's different.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, hey, you got a mandolin for sale?

No, well, it didn't say that you couldn't call late on that.

But I really need a mandolin for a prayer service we're going to be doing tomorrow for a funeral.

And then a gay wedding.

There's going to be a gay funeral tomorrow.

A gay funeral.

Right.

A gay funeral would need a mandolin.

I can't wait for you guys to hear that fucking Vietnamese guy.

I'd play it like Tiny Tim.

A gay funeral.

what the fuck was wrong with that guy hello nothing's wrong with tiny tim tiny tim's

fucking awesome hello sir play in the system hello do you play and sing like tiny tim where

you go that's the only thing did you ever see that one horror movie you said

I can't think of the name of it

all I know about Tiny Tim is that

he was on WWF once

and they broke his mandolin and he started crying

and it was funny and he got married

on Johnny Carson and he sang

tiptoe through the tulips and that's all I knew

he was like a

villain in some horror movie

I'm sure listeners will

tell what it is

probably like Shrek or something

did he have the mandolin the whole time

I don't

i'm sitting in front of two computers i could just type in tiny tim like i was sitting there

listening to all that but anyway i wonder if uh glory hole foundation got a spike today

start start inserting that into gay marriage stories

did you see somebody did like a lot of website reviews for glory hole foundation or

worse again like it was called like prank something like prank i don't know i posted

one somewhere yeah they they i think they got somebody on fiverr like to review like

like the person that did brad's website i don't know let me put it here review for

glory hole foundation it's like oh looking at the uh the total time spent watching the video

is now up to 307 days,

21 hours, 17 minutes,

and 22 seconds.

I'm going to get a few Fiverr videos to put in the

PC and YouTube, just so there's some stuff in there

instead of just a playlist.

I thought Tommy Tim played the ukulele.

Ah, shit, I was way off. It was a ukulele,

right?

Matt, is it called Stupid Pranks?

Yes, yes. That's Palindrome.

Her Prank's Stupid.

Yeah, yeah. Prank's Stupid.

Yeah, Meetspin website review.

you there's all kinds of them like they all went up today what's wrong with what was wrong with

this guy man he's just the odd character yeah whatever nowadays they praise him and get married

off we gotta do more prank calls so i kind of like nashby's idea there

truck stop looking for a lot lizard but like reverse it and say you're a truck driver and

say there's a lot lizard but then when they freak out like no really it's just a lizard you know

all right sure something like that okay all right and i do have some pilot centers that we've called

i walked i walked up to like one of those super like traveled whatever like pilot center one of

those huge ones made me in with a buddy one day me and him were looking for a lot of lizards but

we just walked up we couldn't find so he was telling him about the this dog that was on the

fucking loose and just barking at him and shit that was funny that's fucking dog out of here

well they said they're gonna call uh the cops remember to get i guess to shoot the dog

you're like no no no all right come on no those big truck stops are neat fucking places

yeah you think so yeah i couldn't tell you they always got an arcade they always got a weird like

like, bank of phones.

They always got phones at the...

You could buy anything in those fucking stores.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never taken a shower in one, though.

I wish I would have.

It's weird flip-flops.

When I edited that episode...

You should have bought a CB radio in those, too.

When I edited the, uh, yeah.

When I edited the, uh, episode that we did,

um, where that occurred,

I was looking up for, like, pictures for the website,

for the post on the website.

I was looking for, uh, pictures of the truck stop showers,

and they actually didn't look that bad.

i was kind of like huh it was a lot of truckers you're like you know i'm blogging my journeys

you know here's here's the shower i use with it um all right can we do loves travel stops

will that work for you hey before you do that yeah you call that pissed off vietnamese guy

oh yeah just please i can't wait to hear his voice again

this is the that's the only number you've given me right in this chat yes sir yes sir

God, I hope he picks up.

Hello?

Hello, number one American calling, bitch.

I want to make an order, please.

What do you want to order?

I want to order the food, stupid ass.

The food, dumb ass.

What do you want?

Vietnamese food.

You want to fight?

Fight?

What do you want from now on?

I want to fight you.

Put your husband on the phone.

the gentleman i spoke with yesterday put him on the phone a man i don't care you met or not the

way you talk about that you american or what i don't care okay number one american if you want

to come here you don't get the phone you show your face here for us to see this you want to

fight i know you're very unwarmed go ahead come over here show your face come over okay so we'll

fight number one go ahead come here i want to fight i i want to know your face show over here

The number one American is going to come fight.

Or you want the cop to talk to you or FBI to talk to you.

I know you're here.

You want big problem, I make you big problem.

Promise?

Just come over to us now.

What are you going to do?

I want to talk to the man.

Put the man on the phone, please.

I don't care.

Put the man on the phone now.

Put him on the phone.

You want to come over here?

Put the man on the phone.

The man, you want to talk to the man on the phone?

What, you want to talk to the man on the phone?

Yeah, I want to talk to the man, come on the phone.

You go on the phone, you chicken, okay?

I am a warrior.

I am a chicken.

Oh, man.

My little chicky.

Last night, the man answered, and then I called back and she answered, and they both were just flipping out, cussing.

It was crazy.

All right, I'll call back.

Yeah, you gotta call that back.

This is, like I said, a Vietnamese restaurant in Guam, I think.

okay

pro man's mom's flirting with me

on tiny chat

oh I see her

hey pro man's mom

I'm gonna pick it up

pick it

hello

hi

yes can I

what do you need

can I make an order

what do you order

uh one full

one what

one full

sir

full

I told you

you want to

do something else

you just come over

to us

don't play

with us

I'm trying to make an order

fucking you

bitch

come on

one full

I want...

Do you have...

Do you have ban me?

Are you stupid?

I'm trying to make an order, you stupid asshole.

No, I'm trying to make fucking order.

Please.

Please, I make order.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, can I make...

What do you want to order, sir?

I don't play games with you.

Do you have banh mi?

You want to come here to talk to us?

I don't want to take the order.

Calm down.

You want to come here to tell me.

Calm down.

Okay.

Why, you dinky thou?

Calm down.

No.

Don't tell me like that.

Yeah, you dinky thou.

You play games with us all the time in the morning until now.

How you have time to do that?

We the business, we don't do that for you.

You do it.

Yes, do it.

We don't play games with you.

You do it.

Okay.

Motherfucker, you.

I told you, right?

Damn.

Can I make an order?

My husband's even better, man.

I wish he would get on the phone.

He's even better.

Calm down.

Calm down here.

Right now.

I think Matt and Howard would be best fucking friends.

Yeah.

Have you ever had a chance to talk to Howard?

I haven't talked to Howard yet.

Unless he's that bot.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

No, Howard's a fucking crazy guy in Hawaii who keeps threatening to throw us in a volcano.

Volcano.

Listen, we're going to call a Barnes & Noble first and Venice Beach, Santa Monica, rather,

and then we'll call that back.

We're going to let the meat rest, so to say.

You've got to let your meat rest.

You've got to let the meat rest.

Yeah, you do.

You take it off.

If you just dig right into it, you ruin your favorite hotel.

Oh, yeah.

You've got to wait.

All right, here we go.

Barnes & Noble, let's see if there's any heat action.

You guys want to do it?

One of the scrubs?

Let's heat action.

You know, when they're jerking off in the glory hole.

Any of you scrubs?

I'll do it.

I'll beat my dick into stacks.

All right, you can do it.

Yeah, it's time for the scrub.

Scrub team.

Yeah.

We love scrubbing.

Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble in Santa Monica on the 3rd Street Promenade.

For a limited time, get the Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 Nook 7.0 for only $129.99.

Right?

June 27th

Ask a bookseller to look

That's that sale right there

That's the code

Our hours of operation

Are Sunday through Thursday

9am to 10pm

And Friday and Saturday

9am to 11pm

If you would like to speak to a bookseller

Please remain on the line

I spent like a half hour today

Watching these people

Making these counterfeit

or, like, bootleg Insecticon Transformer toys.

And they look amazing, but, like, a full set of them costs $180.

But they're so fucking dope, dude.

Do they transform?

Yeah, they do.

And they're, like, than the Insecticons used to be.

They're really nice.

They are very, like, cartoon-specific colors and shit.

Yeah.

Real nice.

All right.

I'm a big fan of the old Transformers cartoon.

Fuck yeah, man.

Me too.

Two Dinobots.

Hello?

Slag the Dinobot has my favorite line from movies ever.

When he kicks the door down, and when he kicked the door down,

and the quincean's laying there with his tentacles going,

and Slag looks over and he just goes,

Hello, this is Frank. How can I help you?

Hello?

Hi, how can I help you?

Yeah, I've been waiting on hold for like 27 minutes.

I'm sorry about that. What can I do for you?

Well, I'm just trying to figure out how the action is in there tonight.

night. It was supposed to be just a quick call, but whatever, man. Okay, was there a book I can

help you find? Yeah, it's probably in the LBGT section. It's got a picture of, oh, what's that

guy that just got a sex change? Do you know the title of the book? I think it's called Dicks to

Pussies, something like that. No matches for anything like that. There was one, I think it

It was like, my asshole is tiny, and I want it bigger.

Do you guys have anything like that?

No, we don't.

Well, how's the glory hole action in the bathroom tonight?

Do you guys...

I don't have a public restroom.

Well, I know there's one nearby.

No, there's not.

Actually, you guys are on Yelp, listed as being near one of the best glory hole active bathrooms around.

Oh, good. Well, perhaps you should use that phone number.

Anything else?

Your mom's house?

I did. I hate you.

Got him!

I'm looking for a book called

Fuck This Marriage Shit

Let's Blow Each Other in the

Book Fucking Hallway

Is that a for real title?

It is though

Let's Blow Each Other in the Stacks

The fuck is wrong with Tiny Chat?

I don't know

You're frozen in there

I'm the only one moving for me

Pearl Man's moving, I'm moving

Hectic is moving

Llama Liquor's frozen

And Steven Espinwall's frozen

yeah i don't know it's tiny chat you know how it is you probably gotta just restart

reboot it yeah this song yeah um all right let's call that chinese place again i changed to a local

guam uh caller id and if i could find it again what was her main stink uh she uh she's vietnamese

and angry yeah i want and she pressed numbers on the phone too i think she did but out of

frustration yeah i think i'm gonna order order some buttons pressed on the phone you're very

angry ask her she has a slanted pussy oh that's quite a rumor for the hello hi there hi there

dear i'd like to make an order for a takeaway i would like one beeping of the phone and one

One very angry, insecure Vietnamese woman.

Can you give me that, please?

Beep.

Hello.

Hello, honey.

Sweet sugar pie.

Vietnam, piece of shit.

Hello.

One, two for my honey pie.

I'm hanging up.

You say hello.

She didn't want to talk to me.

I'll do a re-ring.

Re-ring.

I'll give you that.

Re-ring up all on you.

Re-ring.

stuck on connector you can do it come on tubes work find a route you're a route it's because

the underwater cables running satellites and shit my grandpa said the weather has been goofy

ever since they sent that sputnik up it's raining but it's busy it's like an infinite paradox loop

let's see if they pick up i'm excited about this

so let's know if they hear it oh it stopped if we're actually ringing something all right we'll

have to call them later all right later later because she was still popping off and it had been

you know one call later so corley the last night uh we called some hotels in guam right and mistress

morgan was on with me and a few other people and so mistress morgan was miley cyrus and

And, you know, I tried to book her some rooms.

Really?

Pretty good.

Oh, that's cool.

Pretty good time.

Yeah, I knocked out early last night, Mom.

Stuffed well, you know.

Stuffed well.

Used the CPAP machine last night.

I had an ambient moment.

Get this, guys.

My wife woke me up this morning and asked me why I made a pot of rice in the rice cooker at 3 in the morning.

She was like, are you Mexican?

I'm like, what?

I'm like, what are you talking about?

Are you Mexican? You made a fucking pot of rice

and you left it. I'm like, oh, yeah.

I completely had an ambient

moment and made a pot of rice,

went back to bed, and never got back up

to eat it again.

She was like, wow, that shit.

Every once in a while, I do something

weird like that. One time, I locked her

outside on

the balcony on purpose.

One time, I gave her two black eyes.

It felt to me

like five minutes

and she said it was more like a half hour

that she was getting ready to start yelling

for someone to call the police

because I was just there laughing

giggling this is when I first got on it

yeah I did that was one of the first times

that happened but ever since it's been okay

until last night I made a pot of rice

and it wasn't a rice cooker

so it wouldn't burn like the house down

but you know what if I would have decided to

make a whole meal or something

Carly was out in the kitchen

he fucking made Thanksgiving dinner and shit

there's a fucking turkey in the oven

but that was my breakfast this morning dude was that rice it was great he's fucking running in

yeah that was kind of weird all right so um what was should we keep calling uh numbers off of

google maps in santa monica should i call some more swap shops or should we get to your numbers

what do you get i'm gonna go on late tonight i'm feeling it i haven't even taken a break yet so

we're still not even halfway through technically we're having a good show too we're having fun

oh shit the pressure they pressure i got back the pressure i started i started smirking but

he's like let me take this back to the office i'm like oh no oh no oh shit did you think the

guy that said that on my lawn do you think he did it i really want to believe that that one

the first indian guy did it and he just yelled out your mother's your mother's dick real loud

I think he did, because there's no reason

why he would just yell that.

He must have started

explaining, he's like, you motherfucker!

I can't believe these cats

don't know about the Mentos

and stuff.

But you know what's funny?

Dwight was getting white people to do it

on Wednesday night.

And then the other thing is

the Indians, sometimes they act

so pissed off, like, okay, hang on.

Like, god fucking, hang on,

give me a minute.

like so it so it disposed oh i guess let me everybody is in this on the internet as much

as we are yes yeah let me find the one where uh oh it's for like the break when uh we got him to

do all the shit like the put the water in the condom and uh put the hot dog in there and like

he was just doing everything we wanted that'd be good for man yeah send it to me not in skype

though uh send me a link to it somewhere posted send you a link yeah i don't know how you should

get that i haven't put it on youtube yet oh shit you haven't edited any of that stuff i've got

them edited but i haven't made the videos yet you can send me that be crazy hey quiet shut up dog

you gotta hit them hard with the newspaper now no no with the dildo the dildo bro the dildo

hit them with the dildo the control dildo all right listen here's a number they may not answer

for a two-to-three-bedroom, two-bath mobile home.

Yeah!

Two-to-three?

Two-to-three-bedroom, two-bath mobile home.

That sounds like a dope-ass place.

Wait, how is it two-to-three, though?

It's called Carter's Crossing mobile home.

How is it two-to-three?

How is that an option?

If you knock down a wall or don't?

I don't know.

One is the den.

You can just make a den.

Or an office.

You can knock down the fucking things, you know?

Make a den.

yeah it could all be one giant room two bathrooms inside the place then

if you're going by that thank you right i thought it was too late to call that number

uh we already called for that caregiver 92 black some guy selling cars i'm not feeling that right

now unless any of you want a car sale we've got a few of those uh someone has a hydrostatic

riding mower it runs and looks great for 250 dollars the fuck is a hydrostatic riding mower

i think you're about to find out stanley 42 inch 14 and a half horsepower hydrostatic

riding mower i don't know is that one of those really fast ones that you see sometimes that

they ride it sounds pretty nice yeah 250 nice red mower 14 and a half horsepower man that's a lot

lot of horses anyone want it yell it or if you guys want it take it just not sure where to go

with that i don't know yeah probably to your lawn i'll buy a fucking riding mower tell you

want a grain of a dog your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system four two

Two, three.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'll call again.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'll send it out.

I'll send it out to Skype currently.

All cut.

Check out my gangster dog.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You got an ad for a 14 and a half horsepower machine, hydrostatic riding mower, cunt?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is that you?

Huh?

It's sold.

Did you sell to a good person?

They're not going to abuse someone with it, right?

Yes.

There was a guy going around calling people saying he wanted to put his wife on the lawn

and mow over her with one of those things.

Was that her?

Was that him?

Hello?

That was my idea, guys.

At least you picked up, right?

Black sheep would say, you can get with this or you can get with that.

Yeah, well, you should get with this.

This is going to get him whack.

You'll take what?

Huh?

Try not to shut the fuck up.

He's not going to get anything, I guess.

I'll take one of those fire ones.

All right, for sale, a 35-gallon fish tank.

No, that's not a car.

We got a pontoon.

I've got a fish tank, too.

A fish tank.

All right, fish tank it is.

We have a fish tank expert here in Dwight also.

He's a professional fish tank guy.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

What kind of fish do you keep, Ken?

He used to install fishes.

Saltwater fish.

Nice.

He used to install.

Dog-faced.

Fancy for dog-faced puffers and shit.

Do Dog Face Puffer look so fucking close up?

I used to go to one pet store that had Dog Face Puffer

and like, this was when I was really young

and they would throw goldfish in there

and the Dog Face Puffer would bite the goldfish in half

and I thought that was so amazing

it was like a great big tank

Hello?

Hey, you still have that fish tank, dammit, for sale?

Yes

Oh yeah, um, how big is it?

About 35, uh, gallons

Okay, um, what did you have in it?

We just had goldfish in it.

That's stupid.

Um, I want it so I can catch crawdads down at the creek.

And I'm gonna just get a whole bunch in there and pour gas on it and catch it on fire.

Just watch it.

Yeah.

So how much do you want for this thing?

I went $200 for it. I paid a lot more than that for it.

Put all the stuff in it and it's got a $100 pump with it.

It works good, but it's got filters.

Oh, you're still, what were you saying?

I didn't hear you talk.

I said it's got filters with it.

Oh, yeah.

The real pretty one.

It's not square, it's rounded, and it's joined together.

It's joined together in two pieces, you know, like the back side and the front side,

and that is overlocked, you know.

Oh, I have no clue what you're talking about, but that's awesome.

I'm pretty interested in it.

Do you have a husband?

Has he ever taken a big shit in it?

Like your goldfish?

They just swim around it and stuff?

Sure, you know he has.

That's what I do.

With what?

Fool?

Ma'am, that's inappropriate.

Why did it...

She was one of the crawdads, though.

I'm a fool, fool, fool

for you.

I thought for a minute, she was like,

like, yeah, of course you shit on your

bitch.

That would have been awesome if she

was serious. Yeah, everyone shits on their

bitch, right? You gotta accept the file,

Carlito. Uh, cause you're

putting it on the wrong fucking computer machine.

Which machine you

wanted? Um, yeah, I gotta

I saw in the chat where someone

was talking about the gay marriage thing, so

yeah, you should have, maybe

you know, you're gonna get gay fish and put

them in there. It's legal and we could call

old people and just ask how they feel about the

gay marriage and piss off some hillbillies rainbow fish that's a good homeowners association call

actually we're like right we're calling and it's mandatory that you put up a rainbow flag now or

some bullshit it's mandatory that you have at least one gay member on the property at all times

one gay i think you're uh in michigan they're trying to do an ender on on the gay marriage

thing yeah and uh make it to where uh clergy have to uh be the ones to issue the uh the marriage

certificates you know they're not gonna let no gay people get married what about justice of the

peace shit that's bullshit yeah so they're trying to do an end around on it no that won't go because

how are atheists gonna get married and shit they're gonna get married someone now that'll

never it sounds nice but it will never get passed it's nice all the fruity cats are so happy today

they did here in utah on the gay marriage deal

same space game different player man when you come utah but they got in in alabama too

this year but what we did here uh carlito is a justice to peace if it goes against his personal

and religious beliefs he does not have to issue a marriage license oh yeah well isn't that how it

is with prescriptions don't don't the pharmacists and assistants have the right not to fill it if

If it's based on their convictions.

It's usually the women wanting to get the day after pill or morning after pill.

Yeah, for Plan B.

My little bastard dog just took a shit at Holly and I, Matt.

He needs to be quiet, too.

He's like in separation anxiety.

He needs to understand that dad is busy right now.

Working.

Yeah, he needs to know that.

Smack the dog with a newspaper on the fucking face.

Might just need to give him a time out, I think.

You know what?

him taking a shit right now was him trying to get uh steven's uh attention to yeah that's exactly

what it was yeah that's exactly what he wanted no you he needs to go on time out is what he needs

yeah you should put him outside and leave him outside for extra time by himself put him in the

toilet put down the lid yeah and just let him sit in there for a minute that's very bad very bad dog

is what you should tell him you may not be able to hear this but when he comes back we're gonna

I'm going to make sure he knows the bad dog.

We got household items for sale.

Cloth, brown recliner, shit like that.

Here we go.

The party you are calling has declined to receive this call.

Oh, I'm not going to deal with that nightmare right now.

All right.

Looking to buy an infant carrier car seat.

I got one.

I'm having twins.

I'll get it.

Did you hear what I said about the dog?

Infant carrier.

Uh-uh.

Bad dog.

Very bad what he did.

He needs to understand that you're busy.

I'm just nosing that shit.

Yeah, and what he did was to get your attention.

He did it to get your attention.

You need to tell him, no, you shouldn't even be in the room with him right now.

That's what he wants.

no see look she doesn't respect me put her outside no put her outside separate her from you

fucking head put her out of the room and close the door piss on your dog mark your territory

hello i'm calling him up the infant car carrier no one's picking up rather we are having an

estate sale saturday tomorrow beginning at 8 a.m let's call him and wake him up

We're about a half mile

From the stores

Downtown

Just follow the signs

There will be tons of furniture

Appliances

Some antiques

And plenty of household items

Tools

There's just fucking

Vulture and up some dead person shit

Let me talk to them

Like are they selling all the

Stuff inside the underwear drawers

And stuff

Yeah

Let me talk to these people

Okay.

I'll post the ad so you can see it.

They're doing a horrible thing.

They're stealing from the dead.

Hello?

I don't want to fuck.

I don't want to fuck the dead.

Hello?

We are not available now.

Ah, the machine.

Please use your name and phone number after the beep.

Call again.

Let's let that machine reset.

Just a moment.

The machine, bro.

Three, two, one.

Probably too early, but we're done.

Nope.

I got one of them digital ones that are fast.

Pro man, you're too close to your camera.

All I see is black.

That's not true.

I invited Brad, but he said he couldn't make it tonight.

He was my first.

Hello, we are not available now.

Stalin says

use an electric fly swatter

it worked to train his wife to shut the fuck up

if you hit a lightning bug with one of those

and press the button over and over again

every time you press it, it lights up

aww, don't do that

I saw lightning bugs today for the first time this year

I was like, hey lightning bug, what's up

they're cute, their butts light up

yeah, but when you hit them

the goo glows

yeah yeah like if you were too poor as a kid to have the light up shoes you'd just like smash

them on your shoes and be like yeah guys look oh that's gross yeah i remember my mom talking

about when they were real little they would take the the light and take it off and put it on like

earrings like oh got the earrings yard sale tomorrow this is a different yard sale dwight

you're still up and this is the end of the uh swap shops you're a swap show whose world is this

to my man ill bill god bless your life

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system

Alright.

Whose world is this?

The world is yours.

Do we want to call that Vietnamese please?

It's mine, it's mine, it's mine.

Whose world is it?

What, what, what? Come on.

Call the Vietnamese again.

Let's do it.

All the Vietnamese.

No death, son.

Rastafari.

Slammo.

Place this ink wall.

Oh.

Oh yeah, so let's make an order.

Hey!

Let's make an order please.

No!

Can I make an order, please?

Go ahead.

Okay.

What do you order?

Do you have banh mi?

We don't have the one you want.

We don't have.

Okay.

Do you have full?

Do you have what?

Full?

Yeah, we do.

Okay.

Can I have one full to go?

Okay.

And?

All right.

One piss in a cup, a big cup of urine, piss.

God bless your life.

Okay.

And then I'll put your ass on it.

Put your ass in the oven and cook it.

You want to come here?

Just come here.

Don't call.

Play game with us.

Can I have your ass when I come there?

I have the ass.

Make out.

You come here?

Yeah.

You come here?

I want to kiss you.

Can I kiss you?

Right now, I need you.

Can we kiss?

You're the chicken.

I kiss you.

I'm going to kiss you.

You go have your chicken.

Come over.

Show your face.

You don't want.

I'm the chicken.

I'll be your little chicken.

I'll be your chicken.

you want to be a little chicken maybe okay she's gone wow oh yeah someone reminded me i should have

ordered chichu she called you out for being a chicken chicken too earlier what the hell is with

the chicken she's into that chicken tonight right yeah there must be a cooking chicken

chicken on the menu we're calling another huddle house in paris i'll start this one out

there seems to be some like commercial like i feel like chicken tonight chicken tonight

Thank you for calling Huddle House.

This is Jade.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I'd like to make an order.

You're close to the Wendy's, right?

Yeah.

I want to make an order.

What can I get for you?

All right, I'd like one shishu.

What?

Shishu.

I don't know what that means.

Okay, one eggs.

Eggs?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, one order of eggs, please.

Okay.

Just eggs?

Well, I mean, the egg has to be made a certain way.

You're supposed to ask how I want the eggs.

Come on, get with the jokes.

Did you want a platter, or did you just want eggs?

Well, okay, I'll take a platter, fucker.

Oh, I had to say fucker, right?

Damn.

I'll call back.

She won't pick up on the ID.

I'll change the ID to a local one, and someone else can take it.

Thank you.

Oh, don't.

I don't care.

You don't want to.

I don't care.

All right, you'll do it.

Yeah.

Tiny Tim, man, rest in peace.

Just close them out.

We won't see them anymore.

you're on while you're gone for any penny to me dead yes he's been dead for a long time

no he's been dead it's like for 20 years no look it up everyone bet okay yeah gentleman's bet he

died in 95 oh well i'd say i'm just guess make you feel so good uh-huh so i'll make you feel so

Oh, good, man.

When you lose to me in bed.

Tiny Tim Memorial Site was the first thing that came up.

Yeah, he died in 96.

Yeah, I was off by a year.

That was close.

You were hella close.

Early 96, do you know?

Oh, wait.

It says, yes, per Carlos says early 96.

Wait, did you just edit the one?

I did not edit the wiki

are you for real

of course I'm not for real

I didn't know that cat was dead though

alright we're calling back that huddle house

who wants it Steven Espinel

I don't know what a huddle house is

Mike hasn't

or Don I don't want to call you

I tell you guys

these bad cube toys

these new insecticons they've made

are dope as fuck.

Damn it, man.

I don't want to spend $300 or $200

on three toys.

No, you don't need that.

No, I don't.

I need to stop watching toy reviews.

Matt.

Talk to the facts, bitch.

You did it, Matt.

You broke it.

I did it?

Yeah, you talked over it

and she was all like,

eh.

Oh, damn it.

I do that.

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

All right, here we go.

Try again.

I changed the ID.

Mike, why'd you fuck that call up?

Yeah, Mike, you really...

Oh, it's busy!

Come on!

I can call a different one.

Fine.

I'm gonna be taking a break soon.

Thanks for calling Flatwoods Huddle Hospice.

This is Nikki.

How may I help you?

Hiya, Big Nikki.

How you doing?

Okay, how are you?

Pretty good.

Can I get an order to go?

I'm on my way down the highway coming in your direction.

I'm sorry, what is it?

Can I get an order to go?

Okay.

Can I get, uh...

You guys next to the McDonald's, right?

I'm sorry, what is it?

You guys down by that McDonald's, right?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, kind of.

Could you guys do an order of scrambled eggs and then go over to the McDonald's and get a McFlurry and dump it on top of the eggs?

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm trying to get some scrambled eggs.

You're trying to get what?

Some scrambled eggs.

Scrambled eggs, what?

A McFlurry from McDonald's on top.

My God, shut up. Who is this?

My name is Donna.

You do not have McFlurry.

I will pay you extra to go get me one across the street.

I am not. It's not across the street and I'm not going to get you a McFlurry.

$20. $20.

I cannot even understand.

$20.

He'll give you an extra $20, you dumb bitch

$20

And he'll suck your pussy lips

Um, goodbye

Hey, I'm sorry, that was my brother playing around

Don't hang up, don't hang up

You still there?

Fuck

It's banana

Alright, alright

I think the pussy lips killed it there, Steven

Way to go, buddy

Yeah, way to bring up the pussy lips again

Sorry

That's what I did to the redneck exit

Pussy lips should be in every conversation

Thank you for calling Flatwoods Huddle House

This is Kathy, may I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please

Sure.

What can I get you?

I'd like one order of scrambled eggs.

Okay.

Well, no, not scrambled.

Just an order of two eggs, please.

Okay.

Do you not want them done?

What do you mean not done?

How do you want them cooked?

With heat?

Are we going to go through this all night?

Can you make them overheat?

Overeasy?

Overheat.

Overheat should be a thing, man.

Heat?

Overeasy.

I think he called before and said, are we going to do this all night?

Overeasy.

the acorn store i'm gonna call no acorn store the fuck out of here what was i i muted what was

going on there's a lot of racket there's a lot of racket here but there's nothing going on

what racket no you said for me to mute yeah when you're hitting was that you hitting the

some kind of device no someone was smoking something out there and it was loud it was

very loud who was that it could have been me i'm sorry oh it was steven i don't know who it was

I'm sorry I blamed you, I'm sorry

Don't be mad

Yeah, Steven, don't do that

I apologize

I'm a professional broadcaster here

God damn it

Who's this holo character?

Here's the Frito-Misto

I have no idea what to talk about

But I'm gonna do it

Remember, Paul, I'm gonna take a break

You're a break

Thank you for calling Frito-Misto in Santa Monica

This is Brittany, how can I help you?

Hey, Pussy Lips, I'd like to make an order.

Can I get one?

Okay, I'd like one...

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Are you still...

Do I have enough time to get, like, an appetizer still?

Or are you starting to close up?

Close until 10.30.

All right, shut up.

I'd like to make an order for, then, the Frito-Misto.

Okay.

The calamari.

Small.

Okay.

The fried pillows.

The capris.

Okay, what's your soup of the day?

I'll have a clam chowder.

I'll take one of those.

I like the sound of that, you know?

Anything else?

A girl down there looks like a clam, they say.

I like to get the greens and gorgonzola.

Do you want the half size or the full size?

The half.

Okay.

The misto salad.

Half size or the full size?

The half size, I'm sorry.

Okay.

And then I need a Cajun seasoned chicken, pasta New Orleans, atomic pasta.

One second.

Shit.

Atomic?

Santa Fe ravioli.

What's the matter with you?

Chicken, cilantro, ravioli?

Okay, New Orleans.

Uh-huh.

Atomic pasta.

Chicken, cilantro.

All right, I need the pasta puta, Nesca.

Okay.

Spicy shrimp ravioli.

Il carnevora.

Oh, yes, you have the chicken parmesan hermosa, though, right?

I'll take one of those.

Okay.

Artichoke shrimp gnocchi.

Shut up, I don't need any comments from you.

Sausage lasagna.

The artichoke gnocchi.

Artichoke gnocchi, okay.

Gnocchi.

Yes, I heard that.

Sauce is lasagna.

With what sauce?

With the spicy sauce, please.

The pink sauce.

The pink sauce?

The pink sauce.

Yeah.

All right.

Or the rigatoni siciliano, the jumbo ravioli.

All right.

And a chicken marsala, a chicken piccata, and a stuffed chicken breast.

Can I get the total?

I have to wait until you get in.

Well, come on.

I mean, I got to have this ready to go when I get there.

I need the goddamn toilet.

Well, you're going to have to give me a minute.

Well, don't take too long.

I just have to repeat the order to you real quick.

Okay.

So we have a freedom.

We have a small calama.

We have a clam chowder.

For the pasta, we have the cake.

The New Orleans.

The chicken pink cilantro ravioli.

Puttanesca.

Shrimp ravioli.

Chicken gnocchi.

Salsa giovanna with pink sauce.

Rigatoni Siciliano.

Jumbo ravioli.

Did I get it?

Yes, that's right.

Okay, now, do you guys want any bread and butter with your order?

Um, just one.

You do?

Yeah, just one, just one.

For how many people?

Just for one.

Just for one?

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

Okay, thanks.

We'll have to wait a while.

I want her to do the whole thing and say, no, take one of those.

She's doing the math in her head, girl.

She's doing a breakthrough, poor girl.

She's good.

No, she, hopefully they got a computer machine, right?

If not, they're doing, like, the style where you have to do it by hand and shit.

Oh, no.

well after this we'll be taking a break

we'll have more numbers coming

Dwight did you find any number numbers

or anything

oh that's cool Dwight

I put them in your Skype thing where I sent the file

oh yeah good idea

that's a good place to do it

I don't know I kind of committed

ourselves to this now huh I guess we're away here

anything going on that I should know about

Dwight you got hello

yeah I'm trying to get a total

yeah yeah

do you have a phone number

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, local area code, uh, let's see, 218-2015, hello, the local area

code, 310 out of here, right?

Yeah, 310-218-2015.

201.

Oh, alright, yeah, I already discussed it with, uh, nice honey baby already, that's

fine.

Okay, yeah, and what's the name on this?

From behind, uh, Cross, yeah, of course, of course, of course, you know.

Okay, buddy.

I just need a total so I know what to put in the computer here, you know.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Bye.

So do I have anything special going on this week with pranks, you know?

Are you going to...

I decided that I would pick up this week's Friday show.

We got, like, another three we need covered.

I don't want you to get stuck doing so many, man, because you already do a lot.

We got the llamas.

You can...

Llama, that's a big night.

Oh, wow.

He's locked up for that one.

Anybody does a show Friday night.

He's on vacation.

Some mandatory time.

He has to take a walk.

He's locked up.

Jesus Christ.

I didn't think...

Did he come clear?

years is what they gave him for 30 days yeah and like probation for a year yeah because it was

it was looking really harsh at the minute well he could have got the gps on his ankle also it

could have been five years it almost was fun yeah hey corlito um i was told to tell you

that someone has sent you a uh phone number in the irc sir are you aware of that what the

fuck is irc i don't know something for squares something for squares and uh and the chat

machine, I guess I should say.

Oh, okay. Alright, I got it. Thank you.

It's Sweetie Baby.

Sweetie Baby.

No, she's not.

Frito Misto. That's the name of this

cafe here in Italy.

Out of Italy. 808 State.

Frito Lays.

Dun, dun, dun.

is there a guide to what time your show starts on mondays it's just whenever it's

it's between like noon and three

there you go so they won't be on the lookout mondays yeah it's like daytime

i gotta get that password i gotta get the password and get it to you

this morning dwight can you do that what's up get the pc in detail

Yeah I'll get it to him

I had to give him the jag again today

Yeah he told me he forgot his

That holla guy is mad now

Yeah

Cause I called him a coon

No I told him his skin looks burnt

Where was this at

Tiny chat

It was a holla guy

man it's taking a long time

this better be worth it

because I have a really sneaky suspicion

maybe he's listening right now

oh we're still on hold

yeah they're just adding shit up

it's fucked up

this is exciting shit

uh can we donate a second he's doing a lot of work though i think he's doing a lot by here

hey i can play uh that prank call you were talking about dwight while we wait that's

what i should have been doing showing folder all right so mentos number one which is the

shortest one this the first one or the second uh the first one right now this is the one that

he was doing everything you wanted oh fuck yeah how you doing sir this is dwight cone from the

corporate office uh were you informed about the seven select recall due to the bottling possibly

have an ecoli in it uh excuse me can you repeat that please yeah this is dwight from the corporate

office i'm calling about the seven select water uh and i wanted to know if you were notified about

the uh the uh excuse me the recall due to the ecoli from the bottling plant um i haven't heard

anything but i'm not sure because i i came in around the three o'clock shift i'm not sure if

my manager heard about it in the morning because she's usually here in the morning yeah i don't

know if they they left you notes but i have an associate on the line uh who has to run you

through a few steps uh to test the particular water that you have to either give you the all

clear or the thumbs down if we need to pull the water uh so if you give me a second he's i'm

gonna patch him in and uh he's gonna run you through a few things okay okay thank you hello

Hello, this is Cross.

I'm calling from the corporate office regarding the recall.

I understand Mr. McClanahan already put you through the information.

Okay, yes.

Okay, so you do have, can you get a sample,

I need you to get a sample of one of the seven select water bottles.

All the seven select?

If you could just get one of any of the sizes.

Okay.

Okay, I also need you to get a package of condoms.

Okay.

Preferably the cheapest one, you know.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay, so I have the price here.

Uh-huh.

And the total is $2.98.

$2.98.39.

Hang on, let me count.

$2.98.

You have the credit card.

Can you take out the Misto salad and the Caprese?

The Misto salad?

Yeah.

And the Caprese?

And the Frito Misto.

Take out the calamari.

Take out the fried pillows.

Take out the soup.

Take out the greens and gorgonzola.

Basically all the appetizers, right?

Yeah, and then take out the pasta New Orleans, the Cajun seared chicken, take out the atomic pasta.

Sorry, sorry, one second.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

All right, Michelle, to have less impact, okay, we're going to, I need you to, yeah, if you can go ahead and get that real quick,

come back to the phone and I'll let you know what to do.

Okay, just the water and then the pack of condoms, right?

Yes, cheapest condoms you can find, yes.

Okay, I'll be right back.

The cheapest.

Nothing but the best.

A real tomato ketchup, Eddie.

Nothing but the best.

Oh, shit.

And I still don't understand the awkwardness about the meat in that scene.

I still don't get it.

The whole exchange about, yeah, plenty of meat at home.

Like, no meat on these burgers.

I don't know if it was because she was disgusted with the meat,

thought he was going to get sick, or just felt bad that they were poor.

For holding, sorry, I had someone else on the other line.

So, so far, I'm going to take out the Frito Misto, small calamari, the fried pillows,

typically all the appetizers, and then so far I have the Cajun and the New Orleans that

you want me to take out, right?

Yeah, and the Atomic Pasta, take it out.

Okay.

Take out the Santa Fe Ravioli.

Santa Fe, okay.

Take out the Chicken Cilantro Ravioli.

Okay.

Take out the Pasta Puttanesca.

Okay.

Take out the Garlic Shrimp.

Okay.

Do you still want the Spicy Shrimp Ravioli?

No, I don't want it.

All right, take that out.

Take the spicy ravioli out?

Yeah, he doesn't want it.

Okay.

Take out the alcavenoro.

No, you don't have the...

Take out the chicken parmigiano-hermosa.

Parmesan, okay.

All right, take out the artichoke shrimp gnocchi.

Gnocchi? Okay.

Take out the sausage lasagna.

Sausage lasagna? Okay. The

rigatoni siciliano.

Okay. To the left is the jumbo ravioli,

the stuffed breast,

the marsupial, and the chicken piccata.

Is that going to be okay? Um, take out

the jumbo ravioli.

Take out the jumbo? Okay.

The chicken marsala, the chicken piccata.

All right.

Taking out everything so you don't want to order anymore?

Well, then just leave the bread and the butter for one.

I'm sorry?

Just leave the bread and butter for one because I sure am hungry.

So you want the bread and butter?

Because I sure am hungry.

You made a deal to get me the bread and butter when we started this,

and I invested a lot of time, and I sure am hungry.

Please, I'm hungry.

What are you getting?

The bread and butter.

Okay, come on down, man.

Come get your bread and butter.

You don't even need to put in order.

Cool.

All right, I need enough for, like, there's, like, 20 of us.

I don't think they started making some of it.

I hope they did.

They were probably all excited about it, too.

Like, oh, we got some money coming in tonight.

Come on, come on, Donald, get it, motherfucker.

You said nobody ever orders the calamari.

I told you people do.

Nobody ever orders the calamari.

All right, that song means we need to take a break.

When we come back, we got numbers from Dwight.

We got more of these huddle houses.

We got truck stops.

We got the city of Santa Monica to prank call.

They're entertaining us tonight also.

And a big asshole.

Tonight's show is brought to you by the Visit Santa Monica Tourism Industry.

You didn't know.

For real, they pay this money.

I'll be right back, and it's going to be like six minutes, all right?

Sandwich time.

Great call, nation.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's the gospel.

People write negative things because they feel that's what sells.

Good news to them doesn't sell.

How has it impacted you?

My album is number one all over the world.

All over the world.

America's the only one because, I don't want to say too much.

But it's not number one in the United States.

It's conspiracy.

Stop helping and loving people the way Jesus said to them.

He said, love, always love.

All right, we're back from break.

This is Madhouse Radio with your pal Carlito.

We're joined by various machines here tonight, including Dwight.

Dwight McClanahan, Stephen Aspinwall, Mike, the Donnie, Lama, the Liquor.

and uh we had what's his face on my uh matt laugh track matt hillock and he said he's gotta

lay down he had a epileptic seizure a little bit ago

he had a seizure you get dizzy with the diabetes dwight still or not

have you checked your sugar lately dwight yeah have you checked that motherfucker

yeah so you better check that man i can hear it in your voice it sounds a little high

he gets mad about he gets madder about the diabetes thing than the bologna coupons thing

so you guys need to chill out with that because he's gonna like drop out on us

i didn't have my sandwich i had some of that rice that i made while i was on ambien last night

i warmed it up in the microwave i poured some peas on top of it frozen peas that i had

made today yeah and i put a little bit of garlic uh powder on it and a little bit of sea salt

that was it it was tastes really good man tastes good man um so what are we gonna get into now

guys should we do some of these dwight numbers now that he's angry at me yeah all right uh

yeah going to the beginning here where we have michael michael uh is staying at a hotel

hell in the united states michael dekina i guess dwight did you already post these in the chat for

people this year should i in our chat no he probably thinks we're still in break nope they're

only in yours okay you mind if i share that with the kids here well that's fine what pisses me off

is i'm playing gta 5 right now and this motherfucker who's the leader is gonna get 55 277 000 we're

only gonna get fucking uh he just lowered mine the fucking 50 or 10 and he's giving everyone

one else uh 120 101 000 what a bitch yeah he's paying me the least amount that's for what job

though what what are you playing as one job it's the funding one the funding one but the other

there's four of us and he gave two the other two 102 000 he's taking 277 and i'm getting 50 grand

yeah but do you have a hard part in the heist or not we're all doing the same shit this motherfucker

You should leave it then.

Cut it.

All right, look, let's get back into them pranky calls.

You best believe after this is over and we go free mode, I'm going to gun his ass down.

Oh, my God.

Hey, I was watching a prison documentary yesterday, and they call gunning at the officers, that's what they call masturbating at them.

Like, they stand out in the open and start jerking at them.

They call it gunning them.

Oh, yeah, like the female ones?

probably the males too right the hot looking males with the blonde hair like i'm a gun this

bitch watch wow what do you think what do you think you get the hole for that the sag you gotta

most i would say yeah i would say so too that'd be my guess anyway guys if you look the first on

this list from dwight is michael dakina who's staring in a hotel let's see if we can reach

him thank you no pluses can't have plus where my hotel bungalows where my director call um butthole

i need to speak with a guest who's staying there the name yes please michael dekina d-e-q-u-i-n-a

i'm not showing a list sir um is there a press day going on over there right now

some kind of press event when you say press yeah like a press event you know i'm talking about

really would you be able to give me a name uh so you have no michael dekina there i mean that's

all i can tell you shit you know if you don't have the motherfucker you don't have him

You know?

Well, I'm not showing a listing for a room.

Could it be listed under another name?

No, it's not listed under another fucking name.

No.

No, that's the fucking shit.

Yeah, well, you're stupid, all right?

It's your fault, and you're stupid.

That's horrible.

Why did I do that to that poor lady?

I'm going to call back and say I'm sorry.

Matt wouldn't be happy if I did that.

I like how you answered it as butthole.

Butthole.

Brick and News Neon will be doing an after show after I end tonight's show at 5 o'clock in the morning.

No, I don't know what's going on.

I need to speak to the old lady who answers the phone there.

I was rude and mean and nasty to her, and I wanted to apologize in person.

Seconds. Seconds ago.

Seconds ago? Oh, okay. One moment, sir.

God damn it. All right.

Shut up, dog. I told you to get that dog out of there. He wants your attention.

No, this is a good one

You're feeding into his social anxiety

And you're feeding into his separation anxiety

She actually takes medicine for it

Oh, well

Not by taking a shit to get your attention

That's a different dog

Well, fuck

I had one of those

Your girlfriend and I did for a few years

I was really close to her

Little training

I was about that size

His name was Benny

Benny, he was awesome

He was my bro

He's a Maltese

Oh, you had a little poodle machine there, right?

Yeah, that's the one that's shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got a tattoo? What's that about?

What tattoo is that?

It's a four-leaf clover.

Is that, like, for the arid nation, or?

Last time I got a DUI, everybody told me it was an arid tattoo.

And I was like, okay, yeah, that's what it is.

Oh, dude, don't get DUI.

So, you're Irish? Is that what's up?

No, I just got it for good luck.

Thank you so much for holding, sir.

She unfortunately does not wish to speak to you.

She's kind of out of sorts right now.

I'm happy to pass along the message, though, but she's not in a condition to talk to you right now.

She's out of sorts?

What happened?

As in she was offended, and she doesn't feel like talking to you, sir, but I'm happy to pass along the message.

Well, tell her to stop being a pussy bitch, all right, and to get over it.

Jesus Christ.

you like ruined her life oops i called back to say i was sorry at least she knows she can have

bad last night coralito i called a hotel and i woke the lady up and then i was about to have

her leave the room and then she's like i gotta wake my kids and i was like god damn it like

don't do it never mind go to sleep she had to go there oh yeah i felt bad you just destroyed

that woman's life i feel bad she's out of sorts ladies and gentlemen she is all right coming up

Let's see.

We have a United Airlines complainer who says that United is trying to spend more money with us.

He's trying to spend more money with United.

But reservations want to quadruple costs with charge change fees.

What are you talking about?

Stop complaining about fees.

It's fucking airfare.

I think we should just tackle some fees for them.

They just, you know, put a fee on there.

We can give them an oxygen fee.

What are you going to do?

Go on the train and get there in three days?

Leave a message for Chris.

Take a boat.

Yeah, take a boat.

I'm taking the train into Chicago in August.

Why don't you gas up your fucking Learjet and take it?

Oh, never mind.

I was talking to the guy we're calling tonight.

Do you have any more tattoos, Steven, that we can see?

Nope, I'm gonna get a cross right here.

Cross, for me? Nice, nice.

Leave a message for Chris.

Fuck you, Chris.

I'm going to, and then I'll say it's because of you.

Cross.

and you're married is it it's all because yep i'm having twins oh so you get for doing the ivf

i know i don't even know if you're being serious i am calling guam the new user has a nice tattoo

in there too do you see her she's kind of cute you think she's real i don't know probably not

commander to do something if she's real my sister's obese she wouldn't fit on the camera

but don't tell renee i said that just kidding i'm just kidding new user if you're real put

Put your hand in front of your face.

Hello?

Shake your labia ass.

I'd like to make an order, please.

What do you want to order?

Okay, do you have any banh mi, those little sandwiches, Vietnamese sandwiches?

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Is this a Vietnamese restaurant or something else?

Do you want something?

I want full.

You go ahead, kid.

Can I have a full?

We don't have it.

No?

Do you have a...

We don't have it.

You have a nice face I can slap with my hand, huh?

And then I'll fuck your wife from the bubble butt from behind for you?

While you watch?

While you're cooking?

You see that?

Yeah, I'm here.

Hi.

You get a kick out of calling people?

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah.

Why?

What are you going to do about it?

Huh?

I don't know.

Why don't you come over here and find out?

No, why don't you come here to the base and find out?

Sucker.

Oh, so you're calling from the base.

Yeah, I'm calling from the base and I can't be stopped.

I'm unstoppable.

I'm a fucking American.

You can't do shit to me.

I have diplomatic immunity in this fucking country.

Was that the guy in Guam?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's got like a son or a cop that showed up or some other guy.

That was weird.

Motherfucker.

I always tell them that shit, I'm at the base.

When you call Guam, I love saying that because they usually change on you.

Oh, you're on the base, huh?

One of those outsiders.

Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it?

Who's next?

We got a Twitter complainer.

John Alarnik.

We got someone complaining, yeah, about Time Warner.

Yeah, Dwight, you want to do a Twine Warner?

Time Warner?

Sure.

What's his name?

Uh, John Olarnik.

You're like, I'm your cash cow.

Actually, he got an answer.

It's so long.

So long.

No, no, no.

You have reached the voicemail.

Try him again, but I doubt it.

All right, we have someone who's rehoming a pitbull after this.

A rehoming of a pitbull.

Yeah.

Oh, he loves rehoming.

That fucking goddamn pisses me off.

Morgan loves him.

Gosh dang, he's fucking thrashing around right now.

Where's Big Morgan at?

He usually likes those.

This guy ain't answering.

The ads have already been deleted.

Maybe they're already rehomed.

We can still...

Oh yeah, I wanna talk to him.

George made it to Tiny Chat.

George!

Yeah.

I've seen him before.

Just to drop the n-bomb.

That's all he made it there for.

I've seen him there before.

He usually plays, uh, like George Zimmerman.

I assume that they rehomed it and tell him that he only got it and the dog's dead now.

Ew, George.

I wanna bring the dog back.

It's a motherfucker.

The dog gave your other dog canine AIDS or whatever.

Come on, no answer here.

You reach Domingo, please leave me a message and I'll get to you as soon as possible.

for thank you whatever i'm gonna real quick uh change my caller id here adjusted so it matches

the hawaiian one the local hawaiian one did i mention that we have an after show tonight by

neon whenever i by dwight yeah by dwight it's after show tonight all right here we go uh

rehoming is did not answer but we have free hauling washers and dryers in hawaii yeah you

could ride that bitch yeah well they're hauling it you could ride it while they're hauling it

inside the washer hook it up to a generator and ride it around town hello yep yeah hey honey i

see you have a free hauling for washer and dryers what you have uh you do hauling for washer and

dryers call me honey oh i'm sorry no i just forgot who i was talking to for a second steven quiet

hello i'm so fucked up right now are you masturbating a horse hello yeah you do free

free hauling washer and dryers oh yeah what do you got what about refrigerators

uh do you resell them or will you just move them i go there if they're not resellable

oh yeah but you do the hauling right so can can you just haul it for me i need you to drop it

off somewhere i'll even pay you if you're used to doing this work i'll pay you for the gas and

some extra money if you can just move it for me i need to move it i'm moving i don't want to lose

my my appliances you know maybe you can help me out just where are you moving oh uh well this

weekend but after that i've got a few more days to get the appliances out you know you're not

listening to me i'm asking you oh i'm on the i'm on honolulu island yeah well i'm on the big island

of me so there's no chance i can help you well i'm moving over there i'm moving to by you know

where papipi road is over my elwa beach you know where that is no it's on the other side of the

island i live in hilo oh all right but you know where able beach is you love each i think yeah

but you're talking you're talking about like you know just like gas alone will cost me about 60

dollars to drive i'll pay i pay i pay whatever it takes i just need help please sir please

no you're wasting your time and i'll give you the fucking money i'll give you the fucking money

if it's about the money i'll give you the fucking money can i come motherfucker you

all right come on later come on man i'll suck your dick i'll suck your dick oh yeah whip that

that fucker out, dude. I'll suck it.

I'll suck it when you get here. I'll suck it when you get here

and when we're done, we'll suck it again.

And if you want to take a dick suck break in the middle,

you can have, like, one or two dick suck

breaks, depending on how long it takes.

Sweet, man. Sweet. Come on, man.

I need three. I need three. I swallowed

everything. I swallowed everything.

First load, second load, I need the third load done.

Oh, yeah? No problem. Oh, yeah, man. I'll get all that

load. You'll be dropping loads, you know?

Come on, man. Come on, man.

I'll suck it real good. Come on, man.

Whatever. Wasn't that great and

gay. That's for gay driving modes.

That's a celebration

of the recent decision

by the Supreme Court of the

United States about the gays.

Congratulations, gays.

Gays are now humans also.

Caleb Tannenbaum

is upset at Comcast

and is also reporting to

the Federal Trade Commission that he

will pay an extra $10 a month

if his speeds stay the same.

What are you talking about, dude? Shut up.

seriously what's he talking about um dwight can you check that number because i didn't get an

area code on my copy here can you look please uh what's the name uh caleb tannenbaum

052 area code that's not an area code sorry i don't know that's what it popped up is uh

yeah i should have been wrong because zero is the third number yeah that would make it invalid

family oh okay no problem we'll skip that all right seven two zero seven two zero do you think

so how do you know yeah it's on top of the number if you're talking about caleb that sent out the

tweet to the tweet machines to the about the comcast yeah yeah it's right there but then

unless that's the one from before i don't know let's just skip it because we're we're not on

the same page now we just don't need to worry about it's all right that's all right bro here

Christopher says he wishes he could watch last night's episode of Mr. Robot in his on-demand, but it's not there.

That's not the fault of Comcast, stupid.

That's the network that makes that decision.

That's stupid, right?

Yeah.

Mr. Robot is asshole.

You ready for that, Dwight?

Stupid show anyway. Stupid.

You're on deck for a complainer if you're ready.

I'm ready. What company is he with?

Comcast, Mr. Robot.

Yes, Mr. Robot.

Christopher Williams.

What's his name?

Christopher Williams in Ohio.

Christopher.

Chris.

Hey, Chris, this is Dwight calling from Comcast,

and I'm calling regarding your Twitter complaint you sent our way.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning, though, man.

I understand, but I work out here on the West Coast,

and they sent this over my way to get resolved.

What's going on there yet?

What is Mr. Robot?

It's like a television show on USA.

USA. Aren't you a little old to be watching

children programming? Come on, who is this?

This is Dwight, and that's Comcast.

The social media department.

Yeah? Yes, sir. How can I help you?

That's awesome. That's awesome,

Dwight. I understand that. Now, what

can I help you with? Nothing else I need

help with. That's it.

Okay, so you just need your Mr. Robot

or Mr. Roboto back on the air?

I'm a Mr. Roboto, man.

I don't understand what's

so funny. I don't either.

I don't either. Okay. Do you remember

Mr. Roboto?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm not old enough to know.

I'm just an old guy.

Sir, are you watching

some type of pornographic

material at this point?

I heard a lot of moaning

and fucking in the background.

I'm watching Friends

at the moment.

Oh, is it the one

where Monica fucks Chandler?

Sound like the radio

or something?

No.

Scumcast.

Yeah, you're on the cactus.

Alright, fellas,

that was fun.

98.6 The Hook.

Shut up.

Go fuck yourself, pal.

Yeah.

Bye, buddy.

he thought it was funny

the whole time

what the fuck

what are we going to do with that

that's how you defeat us

you defeat my show

when the people

just you know

laugh at me

let me do a show

where you yell at people

that didn't get mad at you

that's happened before

there was one where

not only did they not

get mad at me

they were like

they were all in Vegas

and they were all like

real chill

but they were all bi

that's what it was

I kept like saying

yeah you know

suck your dick whatever

and the guys were like

whatever yeah man

let me do this first

it was like three people three guys in a row and then like a lady it said her husband was

like there were swingers i'm like you gotta be kidding me but that's the same episode that i

found the easy addicts so rbi i did hear you um carl carlino uh there was some good news to come

out of that mission um i got a hundred thousand dollar bonus for completing it uh so i got 152

000 and then we all went in a free mode and i executed every fucking one of them yeah i did

I fucking shot all three of them after we went to

Fribourg with my assault shotgun.

I laid them all down.

And then I took off in my car.

The Joker in Dark Knight.

I hit one with the butt

of my shotgun, knocked him the fuck out, and killed him

and shot the rest.

RBCP made it.

Brad made it.

Hi, Barbie.

Come on, Barbie girl.

Alright, we got Sarah. Big Sarah's got TVs

and more must-go ASAPs.

If anybody wants it, yell.

Now, if not, it'll default to me, the default route.

Dang it.

Doing a lot of calls today.

Familiar.

Ooh, next is a Catahoula mix.

Hey, Big Sarah.

What's up?

You got TVs?

Hello.

Hey, you got TVs?

Yeah, I still have some TVs.

What's wrong with your phone?

I'm not too sure.

Do you know how to use it right?

Yeah.

Okay.

What kind of TVs you got?

Let's see.

I have a 20-inch Sharp TV.

I have a 32 JVC. I have a 32 Sony Trinitron. I've got a 19 TV VCR combo.

The 20-inch TV, can you see if it has the words that come on it for the deaf people?

The captions? Yeah, it does.

Okay, so like if I have a video of myself, will it automatically put the captions on there?

Yeah, if you set the caption setting, it'll put it up there.

That's real cool.

So are those the only TVs you have?

Yeah, those are the only ones I have left.

Okay, can you take the one with the VCR?

Actually, you could probably bend over and put that one in your asshole if you want.

That was kind of rude of you to say that to her.

At least spin on it or lube her up

before you put it up there.

That's how to get it wet, right?

She was boring me.

You were boring her, man.

Carlito, movie recommendation.

Watch

it's called Run All Night

with Liam Neeson. Very good movie.

I watched it today.

Is he looking for his daughter?

No, but it's got Ed Harris in it.

Hey, can you shut up?

can you make it quiet where are you shut up shut up yeah shut up make the music stop

fuck you fuck her why would she even pick up her phone i don't know we'll call her later or

something later feel important ellie pisses me off she's a bitch motherfucker let it go to voicemail

T-minus 50 seconds, the vehicle now...

Oh, show's starting. Hang on.

That's not right.

We've got to bump the after show.

The show's starting up again.

Oh, yeah, sorry, man.

Okay, what do we have here?

Dan is asking a support realized problem

was not enough for disk space.

Hey, Carlito, it's nice to hear the asterisk beep

on your calls now.

Oh, yeah.

I've got to see if I can customize that

so I'm a little different.

I miss the dung dung dung

I need to make mine the phone slam sound

I tried that on Skype

and it worked out too good

you should make it a fart sound

yeah

I like how colorific

lets you know when someone picks up

it does it perfectly

it's such a cool thing

it's much better than Voxox

like dang dang dang dang

everyone enjoyed it for a while

while it was around

we're going to miss the Voxox

dang dang dang um but that was especially in slow motion yeah that's good yeah i got used to it

after a while but yeah i don't know at first it was pissing me off yeah yeah um but yeah indeed

i i do wish i could have the ability to have a beep when something picks up listen in the

meantime we've got ask ea support uh being asked by dan enton okay dan enton uh who wants this

anyone i'll take it okay it's connecting that's a new one yeah ea support that's what the fuck

his problem is he had an error machine good how you doing this is dwight calling from ea support

looking for dan how you doing dan i saw you said a uh uh tweet over our way here you had some

error codes popping up and some complications and i'm here to resolve that for you oh i'm sorry

we're over here on the uh the left coast here and so it's a little bit earlier over this way

what'd you work out just stop fucking your device and then it took off you stop putting your dick

in the drive hello that's a yes can't hang up the phone it's one o'clock in the morning

and i got balls deep in my xbox one um alfredo says nothing more uncool than your directv signal

being lost because of a bad storm during a sporting event hey guess what nobody wants to

watch the fucking nationals anyway get out of here oh yeah is that what it was probably yeah

hashtag nationals fucking oh yeah fucking baseball stupid so the expos suck back then

they suck now i'll talk to alfredo the big pasta what's up mr noodle can i take this one

your call has been forwarded to an automatic message system hi i'll try again um if that

If that doesn't work, Susanna's offering $200 to rent my couch, plus 54 utilities for two to three months only.

So she's looking to crash on a couch for $250 a month for the next three months.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic...

And that's who we'll go with, thank you.

That's kind of a rip-off, I think.

That's for a couch.

A couch, yeah, she did spell it weird.

Couch.

Brad, would you like to go couch hopping?

You haven't done a call yet?

Oh, fuck that shit.

Okay.

You could smell the cushions and stuff.

Yeah, okay.

All right, maybe I will.

You can keep the change in the cushion.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, she's looking to crash on your couch.

Never mind.

Oh, never mind.

No, I don't want that.

Tell her she can't let her pubes touch it.

Too many cum stains on my couch.

Leave your message for...

Fucking drugs.

Brad just drops loads on them.

Where else would I?

You know, in Portland, Oregon, there's Couch Street, but they pronounce it Cooch Street.

Like, for real, it's spelled Couch, but it's called Cooch.

I've had arguments with people about it.

apparently that's for real

down by wiener cutoff road

like when you whisper on boot street

he said butt

yeah butt street yeah I remember the apartments

on butt street yeah that was fun

yeah

just wouldn't drop it

hey let's call

a no name who's

offering $350

well I'm sorry

has a big room for rent for $350

no sex

X. It says really big

and no overnight guest.

Who are they to

kill your sex life?

Can we masturbate? I'm gonna ask.

Welcome to voicemail service.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

Come on, a lot of masturbate.

Yeah, is masturbation considered sex to them?

Yeah.

Or if you could just have people come over

and give you handies.

Right, right.

Need help getting on your feet again.

Independent housing for men, $500.

That's kind of

That's not really a bargain

Is that really getting back on your feet

Well in Hawaii

What's the 424

424 I think that's Pennsylvania

Los Angeles

Look at the website

424.com

It says Los Angeles Craigslist

What's the website

Yeah hi is David there

He's available right now

Is it regarding housing

Yeah, I need the housing because, you know, I just got caught.

When do you need to move?

As soon as possible.

My mother kicked me out because of something that I did.

Okay.

I had sex.

The first month is $400.

Can I have sex with men and not be judged?

Well, yeah, but not at our...

I mean, you can't have it there at the house.

There's no visitors or anything.

Oh, I know, but like...

But whatever.

No one can come over to...

No, no visitors allowed.

loud is it an apartment or what is it like it's a non-profit it's a house with men living there

it's community living you share a room with somebody else for 500 oh so i could maybe have

sex with him right you know what we're not appropriate please no i'm sorry no no no no

no sex please come on no no you need to go to sna i'm desperate i'm desperate please please

what's that's an a i don't know what is that

Apparently she didn't hear about the White House thing today

KDK's about to take his pants down on cam

Yeah, KDK

What a fucking hairy ass dude

Jesus Christ

I'm missing out

He kind of looks like Steven though

Steven, that could be your ass

Totally, you have the upper body for it

How come we haven't heard from KDK in like a year now

I asked Nuna tonight

No, he said the last he heard of him was the videos that I've been playing with him in tiny chat.

Look, he's back in his pants now.

How old is this video you're playing?

It's like 2008, probably.

Maybe 2009.

He looks a lot different now.

His old lawyer used to call him Skeletor back then.

It was funny.

Greg.

Haha, been on this plane for almost 45 minutes.

It's so hot.

Everyone complaining.

Paul and Kibat say we should complain to Jeff Simsek at United.

Okay.

so the pilot came out talking shit it's probably still on they're probably still in the air right

now or maybe they're still stuck on the tarmac why can't they run the air conditioner on those

things running they can they just like we don't want to waste the fuel you should make them force

on the running yeah you know tarmac fuck that shit we're not getting off this goddamn plane

until you run the ac your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system six yeah

he's on the plane machine now we can't be wrong guess what carlita what i got pulled over by a

cop like 30 minutes ago on my bike on your bike yeah for running a stop sign oh come on really

he didn't give me a ticket he just he warned me but did he check your breath to see if you were

drunk or anything no that's probably what he was doing really he took my id and talked to me for a

while for a while did he touch your privates i don't want to talk about it uh did he say are you

that brad carter uh yeah it was embarrassing i signed an autograph all right here's a comcast

Complainer. Let's get to it. I had passed this

earlier. David DeLuca.

This is weird, though. I didn't know they did that.

Oh, yeah. All those laws are enforceable.

KDK pissed on himself nicely.

Hello? Yes, hi. Is that

David? Yes. I'm calling from

Comcast Help Support. I see you

had an issue with the TV

streaming tonight. Can I help you?

How'd you get my number? You're a customer?

How'd you get my number? You're a subscriber

and you sent a complaint to Comcast

Cares? Yeah, but this

This number isn't with Comcast Characters.

It's registered with us, sir.

You're a subscriber.

We have your information.

Okay, how do you have...

Okay, that really kind of creeps me out,

that you have my Twitter and all that stuff

connected to the streaming,

to my account information and all that.

You hit agree on the EULA on Xfinity,

and you agreed to that,

so I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Wait, say that again.

I what?

You hit agree on the EULA, on the Extended User Limitations Agreement,

on the Terms of Service when you got with Comcast,

Xfinity most recently when you went to Stream.

So that gives you the right to connect my Twitter and phone number?

Yeah, all the cookies work like that.

Yeah, they all have hooks into your social media.

Of course they do, sir.

How else are we going to use marketing information?

That's really creepy.

Creepy.

We're your cable company, sir.

What do you want?

We know where you live, too.

Does that creep you out?

Anyway, how can I help you out?

What's wrong with your streaming?

Well, the streaming, every time it goes to a commercial,

the streaming, it never comes back.

It just, not every time,

but a lot of times when you're watching streaming service,

it goes to, and this is a general thing,

I found it in all different areas,

and with all different shows,

when you're watching,

watching uh it goes to um uh like say you're say i'm watching uh like i was watching uh last

battleship last night uh and the night before i was watching american pickers or whatever

whatever order it was in uh it would go to um i don't want to say it would go to commercial like

the second commercial and then never come back from it and just be stuck uh on a blank on a

black screen yeah well your account's been and it happens and it happens all the time and i i i go

when i refresh it and after i refresh it uh it it'll go back to right before the commercial and

then as soon as it goes to the commercial it goes to the black screen again okay are you done um

your your account's been red flagged for hopping actually so hopping yeah that's why that's

happening yeah you got uh it's a red flag on your account so that you'll call in so that we can

and explain the issue with hopping.

Yeah, I guess you have a certain limit of commercials

that you can skip per billing cycle, sir,

and after you hit a certain limit.

I don't really skip the commercials.

I sit through the commercials.

You're on the low plan for hops.

You have a low hop plan.

That's why.

Really?

We spend $300, over $300 a month.

on cable and phone

services. And you're telling me

that we're on a low plan?

You're on the low plan for the

hopping. You don't have as many

hops available as some of

our other plans. By the way,

does hop only work with

streaming? It works with

all Xfinity online

and with the

actual streaming to your set-top box

for on-demand.

And your DVR watching

So if I skip the commercials during DVR watching,

so if I'm watching a show and I skip the commercials, that's what does it?

Yeah, of course, because this way it's not as expensive for our customers

that don't skip the commercials, obviously.

And if you'd like the ability to skip through the commercials,

then yeah, you can pay the hopping fee.

It charges you per hop, or you can get on one of the plans.

We've got an unlimited hopper.

If you're interested in that, we can add that to your plan.

And what does that cost?

It's $39.99, and that covers all your sets

and all your online accounts.

That's insane.

That's, that's, the whole, oh, God.

What, I mean, do you understand how the revenue model for,

you know what the revenue model for television is, right, sir?

I'm going to tell you right now.

As far as hopping commercials,

the fact that you're charging like that, Christ.

Sir, it's for the, you understand how the,

the revenue model listen sir please please please you understand how the revenue model works for the

television industry you watch commercials those advertisers pay money to the to the network so

that they could provide you with this entertainment that's how it works so how do you i understand

yeah i understand so you're saying you just want to watch the content for free and not have to pay

for the to watch the commercials no no i'm not saying that you understand how it works look

Look, if you're going to sit there and charge me extra for hopping commercials

when I'm already paying $300 a month to watch your channels,

I will, one, gladly go over to AT&T,

and two, I will quickly start tweeting the shit out of this.

And three, I also feel you were incredibly rude when you asked if I would be set

or said, are you done talking?

That is rude.

rude uh and you wonder why and i and when i say you i mean you in general as a comcast in the

whole wonders why you have you're rated dead last in customer satisfaction we're turning that around

we're turning that around no you're not yes we are that around but no no because you one you were

rude to me to begin with when i was trying to explain my stance and two this this is just

It's unbelievable.

The fact that we're paying for TV.

I understand that you're getting revenue from commercials, but we're also paying to watch this shit.

So your model of...

Language, please, please, please, please.

Your model of charging...

Basically, you're double charging.

You're charging advertising companies for you to place those ads during the television shows that you're airing.

Now, if this was still the age of broadcast where everything was over the air and you couldn't directly charge customers and there was only three channels and Comcast didn't exist, then, yes, the model would work.

In fact, that model worked for years.

But as soon as you started charging people to pipe that stuff in, you're now double charging.

What you're doing is you're charging the advertisers to play their commercials in the shows that you dream and broadcast to television customers.

When you then charge all of these customers for a DVR, which a DVR, let's be realistic, a DVR was designed not only to record shows, but the fast forward button is how you can go through the commercial.

No, it's not.

No, that's not what it's designed for.

No.

When you sign up for it, when you lease your DVR, you're agreeing not to use it for those purposes, sir.

It's not our fault if you don't follow the terms of service.

That's a load.

Yeah, well, it's not our fault.

If you're not following the terms of service, sir, that's another story.

That's another story if you abuse your service.

You're right.

If I'm not following the terms of service, then you should cancel my account,

and I'm going to go over AT&T.

Well, I'll let you know AT&T charges these fees also.

Say what?

And you're more than welcome to get an antenna, get these channels for free.

Okay.

Yeah, go ahead and do that, but you're not going to have Internet service with us.

We're not going to cut you off there.

I'm fine with that.

Go ahead and pay AT&T $60 a month for a phone line.

Go ahead and do that.

Enjoy that.

Go ahead.

No problem.

Actually, their triple play is less than yours.

So I've already been looking this up.

So if you really want to text me, that's fine.

I'll go check it out and sign up with them and transfer everything over.

Because I believe all I have to do is call them up and say,

yes, I'd like to transfer over my services, which, by the way,

your phone services suck.

They really suck.

Hey, hey, hey, language, please, please.

please is not a bad word and if you think suck is a bad slander you need to go back to grade

slander please no slander please please slander tell me where the slander is saying we sucks

slander that's slander please slander no slander would be if i announced that to the world

you are obviously not an attorney you work in customer support you're sitting there calling

I'm calling people at 10 o'clock at night, which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do.

Well, I'm trying to close as many tickets as I can this month.

I have to close as many tickets as I can in June.

All right.

I have to close as many satisfied customer tickets as I can in June.

I know. I want your...

Huh? Oh, jeez. Really?

Yeah.

All right. Hang on.

Mr. McClanahan.

Hello?

Yes. How can I help you?

I'd like to file a complaint with whoever it was who just called me at 10 o'clock at night.

Okay, that would be Cross that you were just on with?

I guess.

Okay, and what would the complaint be regarding?

He was incredibly rude.

He basically told me, I don't know anything.

And when I say rude, he started with about, I think his third response in was,

was, are you done talking?

Okay.

I apologize.

He's been on report before.

Imagine why.

Also, it's right now, and I see on my cell phone,

and I pointed out, like I mentioned, I said, how do you have,

he said, I see you made a complaint on Twitter.

I said, how is it you have my cell phone number?

You are a Comcast customer, so we do have your telephone number on account.

But I asked the question, he treated me like an idiot.

Oh, you asked him and he treated you like an idiot.

Say what?

What you're saying is you asked him this question and then he treated you like an idiot.

Not an idiot, but he treated you like you were a buffoon?

Yes.

You can use any word you want.

You can use buffoon, you can use idiot.

And then he threatened me with legal language that he doesn't understand, not realizing that actually I come from a family of attorneys.

Oh, clearly he's not an attorney.

He's not even, he wouldn't be on the level even of a paralegal.

Thank you.

Now, here's my complaint.

What I said to him, and what I had tweeted, and all I said was, on the Twitter was,

why does your streaming service suck?

Right.

And the reason I said that was because every time I went to a commercial on streaming,

the show would just cut out.

Okay.

It would go to, and it's not every time, but it's maybe 40, 50% of the time.

I'll be watching the show, and it happens repeatedly.

I'll refresh the screen, I'll go back, and when it refreshes, it'll go right, it'll go to about, like, maybe 10 seconds before the commercial, and then it'll go to commercial, and it'll cut out.

Oh, okay.

And I'll actually pull up the tweet right now.

And what I said was, I said, hey, Comcast, why does your TV streaming suck at Comcast Care?

Okay, now he just sent me a copy of a supposed tweet that you sent, and it said, why the fuck are you messing with my DVR? You guys suck dick. Now this is, I'm reading this verbatim. This is what the last representative sent me. He said he got this straight from Twitter.

Okay, I would like to see that because I'm looking at my Twitter right now, and I don't know how he would find something like that because I don't see that on my Twitter.

Okay, so nothing like that was ever said?

Not that I remember.

Okay, now do you drink?

That's insulting.

I'm sorry?

That's a little insulting, not to mention private information.

Oh, I mean, I've known people that drink that just don't understand and don't remember things.

They're on Ambien, they cook rice.

I'm sorry, what you're doing is you're implying that I'm an alcoholic and I get blackout.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm not an alcoholic and I enjoy some drinks.

That's incredibly insulting.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're getting to the level that he was at.

I'm sorry?

I feel that gets to the level he was at.

Oh, okay, so you want to talk.

All right, hang on.

I'll transfer you back to him.

I don't know.

This is Cross.

How can I help you?

I'd like your supervisor to interview you.

You again?

What do you want?

Hey, are you talking?

Your supervisor again.

Don't be talking shit about me, man, because I fucking don't need that.

Language!

Shit, he gone.

All right.

Supervisor?

Brad?

This is Brad.

Adam, the supervisor, can I help you?

Yes, I'm calling because apparently your staff doesn't have any respect for the customers.

What are you talking about?

Well, I did that.

What happened?

Okay, I was dealing with someone named Cross, who was incredibly rude to me,

and then I asked for a supervisor.

He probably not passed me on the one.

The supervisor just told me that he had a complaint against him before.

um i told i was telling the supervisor what had happened he said well cross just sent me a message

that said you said this uh sucking dick about comcast sucks dicks and then i said i don't

remember doing that and then i was asked does this really bother you that much just smoke some

weed or something mellow out what's wrong with you you guys call me at 10 o'clock at night this

isn't about us is it it's about something else you're just unhappy with your life or something

Really?

Yeah, I mean, what are you doing?

Why are you complaining about this?

Why don't you go have sex or something?

Because you're...

What's your name, sir?

My name is Brad.

Brad what?

Brad who?

Brad, what is your last name?

H-O-O.

H-O-O?

Yes, who?

Okay.

Do you want to talk to the floor supervisor, Mrs. Bjork?

I would love to talk to whoever is the highest up.

Because, I mean, seriously, I can't listen to you right now.

If you want to talk to Mrs. Bjork, I can put her on, I guess.

Hello, this is Mrs. Bjork.

Hi, Mrs. Bjork.

I just, one was felt that...

It's okay, it's okay.

Take one step at a time.

It's okay.

Say what?

It's okay.

I just, I want you to be calm and go ahead and talk to me in an orderly fashion.

I've tried to be calm.

Okay, that's all right.

And I'm trying to explain exactly what happened.

Okay.

I got a call at 10 o'clock at night...

Okay.

Asking why I was having problems with my Comcast service.

Mm-hmm.

I was trying to explain it, and someone by the name of Cross asked, and the fact that you're going, hmm, and I was always told that.

Yeah, we've had some complaints about him, but go ahead.

Okay.

He said, are you done talking?

I was trying to explain my problem and why I was upset.

Mm-hmm.

And he said, are you done talking?

And then it got a little heated.

Okay.

I never swore, and he, well, if I swore, I might have said, and pardon my language now,

shit, I never swore directly at him, and he continued to be incredibly rude.

I asked for a supervisor, he acted like, really, you're going to do this to me, and I said

yes, I demand a supervisor, he passed me a supervisor, I was trying to explain to the

supervisor what had happened.

Apparently, while I was on the phone speaking with the supervisor,

he sent him messages that I said, Comcast, and again, pardon my language.

The supervisor speaking was said, Brad sent me a message saying that you sent this text,

da-da-da-da, and include Comcast sex dick.

I said, I don't remember sending that.

And then the supervisor said, sir, you drink, which I find incredibly offensive because, one, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Oh, there it is.

Say what?

Uh-huh.

So I find that offensive, not that he knows that, but the fact that he would say that to somebody.

And I'm going to admit it, got bent out of shape with him.

Again, didn't swear at him.

And then he sent me back to Pross.

uh i and he said hello this is prods and da da da da and i said i like i came back to your

supervisor he said oh you again and i'm quoting man don't go talking shit about me then he sent

me to another supervisor and the supervisor said why really are you and again i'm paraphrasing and

trying to remember as much as i can but his name is brad who okay you aren't really upset about

your streaming you're just upset about your life why don't you go get laid have sex or do

Do something.

Okay.

Now, we've been Comcast customers for I don't know how many years.

Let me go ahead and interrupt you.

Is that at the point at which you got to me?

Yes.

Okay.

I didn't catch more than half of what you said because I really didn't give a shit.

So I think you should take – it's kind of like the grandmaster here.

You go up the ladder, the first person you talk to and then the second person you're going up.

and you know someone's knocking you down dude and telling you you need to get a fucking life

then get a fucking life take the tips man what's your name you don't my name is mrs fucking bjork

did you fucking forget my name you wrote every fucking goddamn thing down that everybody else

said you couldn't fucking remember my name who the fuck are you down you better get this fucking

down how do you spell that bj ork yeah bj like you're never gonna get one hey everybody it's

the 40 year old virgin right here on the fucking air wow you are a cunt oh do you even know what

that is have you ever seen one have you ever smelled one have you ever touched one have you

ever licked one have you ever done anything with one aside from your mom's do you even know your

mom who are you oh my god okay you're so filthy oh my god hey guess what it's fucking legal now

you can marry your gay lover congratulations wow are you congratulations i'm so sorry that you're

Your gay porn channels weren't available to you tonight.

Hey, by the way, we're prank callers, you idiot.

Yay.

You've been butt slammed on 103.1 The Gerbil.

Yeah, we got you.

Uh-huh.

You're a poop head.

You're on the internet.

Got him.

98.6.

No.

Yeah.

So what do you think, sir?

Wow, really?

You're on PhoneBone's Follies.

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm Jaiad.

Did we get you good?

I'm Carly Dew.

I'm Brad.

He's coming straight from the underground.

I'm the N-word with attitude.

Are you angry or are you amused?

Please let us know.

You're the nigger with attitude?

Oh, yeah.

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

You're going to get us a fine by the FCC.

Jesus.

Really?

You're going to go with that?

You're going to say N-word instead of nigger?

You watch your mouth.

You're such a knacker.

You're going to offend the college man.

Oh, wash your mouth out with soap.

Hey, how awesome is it that you can marry your boyfriend now legally?

Oh, wash your mouth out with semen.

I'm going to hit you in the face with a broom, fucker.

It's a prank call.

Do you want to go to our website?

Yeah, it's a prank call, and it's a shitty prank call.

Why are you still on?

I don't know.

We hooked you pretty fucking good.

You got pretty pissed off.

Do you want to go to our website?

It's so stupid.

Do you really complain this much about people?

Oh, my God.

You had everything down.

You said everything I said.

Yeah, when people are fucking assholes like yourself.

Just chill.

Dude, just chill.

It's just TV.

You sit there and fucking complain about me.

It sounds like you're just unhappy with your life.

David, listen.

You look at his Twitter, and he's a stand-up comedian.

Oh, my God.

Really?

David, I don't even watch the TV anymore.

You know what I mean?

Why are you getting so upset about it?

Let me read a little excerpt from Twitter.

You should start drinking more, sir.

Stand-up comic who loves a good story, ready to point out and call him bullshit.

If you're here, just say, fuck it, and follow me already.

Hey, how come you couldn't call bullshit on that, funny guy?

Honestly, I'm going to fucking, you know what, honestly, I want to check out your website.

What's your website?

No thanks.

Do you have Tourette's or something?

What's wrong with you?

Why don't you just start drinking again, though?

Really?

We all have AIDS, and it sounds like you have the shakes already.

You guys really are pathetic assholes, you know that?

Hey, man, come on.

Now, be respectful.

We're comedians, and you're a comedian.

You know not to do that with a jealous friend.

You guys aren't fucking comedians.

I'm a fucking comedian.

You guys are douchebags calling people unaware and fucking prank calling one out with elk

yankers and the fucking turkey boy.

No, I didn't.

You want to go to our website?

We have a lot of sponsors.

You can go to our website.

You'll probably be upset.

Congratulations

Go to it now

Gloryholefoundation.com

Look, Hitler had followers too

That didn't make him fucking good

I won't go for that many followers

Is that one of the jokes that you tell on stage?

Got him

I'm glad you have followers

I really am

I'm going to make you wear a piece of flare

Motherfucker

Go to our website, come on, tell us what you think

Register on there

Gloryholefoundation.com

because this is the Gloria Hall Foundation Network.

So GloriaHallFoundation.com.

We started off as a World of Warcraft guild,

and we became a prank call network.

Yeah, sure.

On Saturdays, we meet up and play Power Rangers.

You act as if we're the type of people to lie to you.

Go there now.

Tell me if you can see the video and all that.

Yeah, sure.

You're not going to go to the website, are you?

No, I'm not.

Why not?

You know, it's not too late.

7-Eleven's still open.

Go out and get some alcohol.

Start drinking again.

Why don't you go masturbate?

While you're there, ask about the Diet Coke recall that they've had recently.

What did you like?

What was your thing?

Vodka?

Wow.

What did you get in trouble with?

You guys really are fucking ridiculous.

Were you a wino?

Try not to yell at the clerk for being rude to you or anything like that.

He doesn't like alcoholics, sir, and I'm not a piece of shit, bitch.

Shut up.

He's gone.

He doesn't like being made fun of as alcoholism.

He's about to realize.

I crossed the line there.

About to realize.

I was the first one that called him on that.

I was like, so, uh.

Yeah.

Maybe you've been drinking, you don't remember.

Oh, man, he got upset.

He turns out he's a recovered alcoholic.

Yeah, well, you were right.

So what are you so upset about?

Yeah, he got pretty upset about that, dude.

Caleb is a Comcast customer here.

Yes, it's been restored now.

Thanks.

He had his services out.

Let's offer him a credit.

Yeah.

You guys aren't funny because I'm the butt of the joke.

I want to do it.

He was such a dick.

Yeah, go ahead.

He said, I'm going to tweet this to everybody, he told me.

Should the producer call back and get his permission to air this?

Yeah, we could do that. Give him a second.

Yeah, you should have Mike call him.

He must not have hands or something that types for him,

because he sure as hell knew quite a bit of what everyone was saying.

And if he tweets that much, God, you know.

I hope he's thinking about it, like going to a convenience store and getting some beer.

Do you have four locos?

or yes you just sit there and think about it for a while i hope i changed his life for the worst

this last number won't go through so let's call him back then all right we'll call david back

i hope i break his liver oh my god do you hope you want to tell us something brad you hope he

gets in a car accident kills an innocent person yeah that'd be so awesome is this really about

best prank ever so then he survives you know it'd be even better if we were on the phone with that

person. And then he'll

sow a soul to the devil, you know?

And you weren't, Stephen.

And then he'll get buried in a coffin like Snoop Dogg did

in that video. Yes!

Yeah, and he's like...

Neon, I can smell your menopause.

Oh my god.

You'd eventually be able to get out.

Like, if you had eternal life, but you were in a coffin

underground, buried, you'd eventually

be able to get out, right? Yeah, you could.

No way! You're six feet under.

So, you could eventually get out.

If it was a wood coffin, you could, like,

uh like uh the kill bill chick did i think they disproved that how you reach felicia i don't mean

with uncle felicia please leave me a message she ain't the he ain't answering that time that was

david's number again that we were talking to earlier wasn't it no that was help getting on

your feet again shit who was oh david that's what i was supposed to call david oh my bad

fucking david oh i see why i get confused there was a different david the number you have dialed

is not in yeah yeah i forgot the one okay sorry uh brad does your uh software does it can you not

do without dialing the one and all that do i just have to customize my um like dialing patterns is

that what i'm missing i have no idea what i'm talking about he's not even here he's probably

a mute your face is muted there he is he's got his headphones on now your face is muted dude

hey this is dave sorry i missed your call leave me a message i'm here all night get it um

I don't like this song

I don't like how this makes me feel

It's too late at night to be hearing this song

This sounds like what that guy was listening to earlier

I think I'm out of numbers

Dwight unless you sent me more

Since the end of this list

Caleb Jacob is that it

I think that's it I think I'm done

Hey I happen to have some curling club members

Do it

Let's do it

I haven't had any of these curling club people

people yeah i like to curl clubs i was just kidding i don't have any left uh-huh no i have

no don't no we don't want uh yeah give it to me unless uh nia did you want to do a show you want

an after show do you want it for years i'll do one after you man just go for it man yeah i'm

getting tired i think i'm gonna go no you're not come on keep going it's almost two i put it there

put some more on there i private messaged him to you carlito if you want if not i can just give

him to the end i got him i'll start him steven paul he is a curler neon's gonna do it because

i haven't called any of these i don't know if uh mr smorgan has though hey uh boy boy listen

can you dial with using the plus on your software like if you do plus once you know number oh no

that confuses it okay all right i think i think i gotta adjust the dialing patterns to make that

that work yeah i never can i or yeah i figured it out like you have to dial a one right on on

link yeah one in the area code but there's a way so you can because everyone keeps sending me with

the pluses and shit yeah i think you can uh tell it to ignore the pluses but you might need those

for international i don't know i never but i did figure out how to make mine dial without the one

at least so that's nice that's good oh and you can do international i tested and it worked just

fine. Jin was having me do international calls.

What did he do? Like, plus

011? He told me.

He told me on air. I don't remember. I think it was

044 and then the number.

I think that's what it was.

Plus 44? Shit, he told me how to do it.

I know how. I'll go back and listen to it.

He troubleshot it with me

on the air. I think it was plus

44 and then the number without the zero.

That's what he said.

I tried a bunch of different ways.

Sorry.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Jesus Christ.

He was getting excited about hearing us talk about country codes.

And plus zero plus one.

I don't like it.

Must be a weird sex position.

He's getting ready to cut him off.

No!

Plus four four, oh yeah.

Alright, here's the next one.

Marge Pierce.

I don't know if maybe it's supposed to be Mark or not, but try it.

Yeah, and you should ask him questions about his curling rackets.

I'm not busy.

Okay, I'm just going to go to the next one.

Doug and Sheila.

Tell him he doesn't score enough touchdowns and you're kicking him.

Tell him your back hurts from carrying the team.

Steven, no.

I know you've had enough, Steven.

First the dog, now chips.

No, this time it's fruit snack smileys.

Oh my god, shut up.

That's bad for you.

No, I don't want to.

I'm going to have diabetes someday.

You don't want to get fat like me, do you?

Well, I can.

Shut up.

Stop doing that.

Seriously.

Yeah.

Mute yourself if you're going to do that, stupid.

All right, better.

Skype's on mute.

Now you're all on mute.

Now you all do push-ups.

And thank him for making me do it.

I'm Michelle.

Dad, then we got Dave and Marg.

Marg.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is that Michelle?

All right, I'm going to transfer you through to Bina.

She's calling from the curling club.

Bina?

Hi, this is Nina Sheila.

And I'm calling from the curling club.

Forget it.

It got messed up because I had to do that.

Damn, shit, motherfucker, shit.

All right, here's the next one.

It's Marg or Dave.

Marg.

His ass.

I bet you that's Marge.

I know.

Just a guess.

I don't know.

I see that the E is missing, though.

Marg.

How about Marjorie?

I've noticed a lot of mistakes in this list.

Mama, do you remember what the name of the leader was that we called?

We hit him up.

He left.

Oh, shit.

there's one named peter sorry we can't take your call right now

god bless you that's what they say

they probably hate pringles too they suck pringles no way pringles are good why do i want to have my

potato chip broken down into a mash and then baked yeah it's so good turned into a paste

and then hardened yeah well this is like japanese your face that made no sense i didn't know that

that about pringles hi i didn't either yeah my face is a pringle there was a big there was a

big thing in the united states court i thought because they wanted to be called uh potato chips

and the thing was they're not a chip it's a crisp and a big argument and it got went in the judgment

of the potato chip makers they're like wow they have to say crisps i think or potato product

something like that it has that's crazy they say crisps that guy that was complaining about

about comcast i think he's cooler than them but you know what i was freaking out about potato

chips you know what that guy's never been laid in his life you know what sucks even worse

munchos those are they called munchos you ever had stacks it's it's like lay's uh pretend

fringles stacks of cash yeah no stacks the chips s-t-a-x hello i've never had them are they good

Oh, my God, Stacks.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from the Curling Club.

This is Daryl?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

All right, here's Nina.

Hi, this is Nina.

I'm calling from the Curling Club.

How are you today, sir?

Not too bad, thanks.

Great.

So, we're down here at the Curling Club, and we are just looking to see how you are enjoying the Curling Club.

The what?

How are you enjoying your membership with the Curling Club?

Oh, all right. Why?

Oh, well, we're just wondering because we may be having to shut our doors.

Or ice rink, actually.

Is it a bad connection or are you deaf?

Hello?

Wow, that was great.

What happened?

He just doesn't even care about them closing their doors.

I can't even hear if he was there or not.

He was drinking wine.

He was there.

You couldn't hear him?

Shit.

He's an asshole.

I mean, I could hear him, but I couldn't hear him.

Fuck.

He was talking softly.

He was scared.

Someone might have been sleeping, though.

sleeping you know sleeping sleep go to sleep go to sleep what did i do with the fucking numbers

i had a list here nice you're in the main chat i don't want to get it from you guys

uh here's a huddle house we still have huddle houses i forgot about those

what's a huddle house it's like a waffle house oh it's run by a german company uh last guy last

name of huddle let's get him to throw their waffle irons through the window all right let's do it

All right.

You first.

Go ahead, Neon.

Thanks for calling Huddle House.

This is Charlie.

How may I help you?

Hi.

My name is Neon, and I'd like to put you through to Brad.

Okay.

Hello.

This is Brad from the corporate office with Huddle House.

How are you doing today?

Good.

How are you?

Oh, that's, yeah, I'm doing good, too.

That's good to hear.

We're just having kind of a problem.

We haven't done the customer survey yet for this month.

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with?

I got a customer right here.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, we'll just ask them, like, three survey questions, and they'll get a coupon for a free meal.

You can let them know that.

Okay.

All right.

Corporate on the phone right now, and they said if you do, like, three survey questions, you can get a coupon for a free meal.

You don't want to do it?

He didn't want to participate in it.

Oh, no participation, no service.

You need to make him leave.

Like, tell him he needs to leave.

If he's not going to participate in our promotions, we don't want him as a customer.

Okay.

He's got to go.

I'm sorry, but he has to go.

Let him know right now.

Do I have to do that?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You really do.

It's corporate policy.

Let him know he has to go.

I can't do that.

No, you can do it.

He doesn't need to pay for his meal.

Just get rid of him.

Sir, you're out of here.

I can't do that.

No, you have to.

I'm the corporate office.

It's policy.

I just can't be right to a customer.

It's policy.

It's a policy relating to the surveys.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

No, you have to, or you're fired.

Well, I guess I'm fired then.

All right, get the fuck out.

Get out of the store.

Leave right now.

Okay.

We're not even going to give you your last paycheck.

Okay.

You're not going to get a check.

Okay, I don't barely make anything anyways.

All right, good.

If that's the way you feel, we don't want you as an employee.

All right.

So get the fuck out.

Leave the store right now.

Just set the phone on the ground and get out.

Okay.

Get the fuck out.

Quit talking to me and hang up the phone.

Set the phone down.

Leave.

Get out of our goddamn store, stupid hoe.

Okay, do you think she's going to do it?

I don't think so.

Dang, she heard somebody

No, no, I think she is.

I think she's leaving.

She was really friendly with you.

She's going to flip everyone off, too.

Like, as she leaves.

You should be at customer service, Brad.

You're very nice.

Thank you.

You got to keep it down.

I had to cut you off.

I don't know what the fuck was going on.

Thank you for calling Devil Huddle.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

My supervisor was just on the line with you guys.

Yes, sir.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Um, what's going on here?

Are you taking care of that or no?

I believe your supervisor had asked one of the servers to ask the customer to take a survey.

Yeah.

Something of that nature, and there's only one customer in here right now, and the customer didn't want to do it.

Well, yeah, they have to go then.

It's no survey or no sale.

If you could explain that to the customer, please.

No, no, no, sir.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

Buddy, that's not going to happen.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You need to tell him that.

No, no, no.

It's not a...

I don't know what that is that I'm doing now.

It's a new character.

Were you talking about my dog eating a fruit snack?

I don't know.

It's just fucking noise.

I don't need that while we're doing pranks.

I thought I was on mute anyway.

You weren't.

You told you to be...

You and your goddamn flaccid penis.

When you think you're on mute and you're not, you're going to get kicked off.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

I don't have time for that shit.

Redbox, we rental service line.

Brad, you're Redbox.

You're the original Redbox.

That's right.

I was Redboxing before it was cool.

I just like the hot box.

Welcome to Redbox.

Did you know that you can reserve your rentals ahead of time

so they're waiting for you when you get to the box?

To get started, go to Redbox.com or the Redbox mobile app.

And you disable the lock so they can't get out.

What is this number?

Is this customer service?

trouble playing a disc press one questions about your bill press two to find a movie or game three

trouble playing a disc can i do it in order to assist you faster please have the last four digits

of your payment card ready you're actually getting numbers from these people recorded for quality and

or training purposes go ahead and try we'll do come on i'll mute us on the stream yeah okay yeah

my pocket hi thank you for calling red box my name is leo how may i help you hello this is dave from

from the corporate office with Redbox.

Were you having problems with your computer system there?

It seems like we're not receiving any of your customer info.

No, sir.

We're not experiencing right now.

I am not experiencing any problem with our system.

Okay.

Well, did you have a customer call in just now to report a disk that wasn't working?

Because we didn't receive that one.

Yes, sir.

You did just now?

How long ago was that?

What time?

Okay, let me check.

Okay.

Okay. It seems like they're not coming through for some reason. It's weird.

Okay. So, sir, actually, perhaps 10 minutes ago.

Oh, 10 minutes? Do you have the phone number for that customer?

We could look it up by the phone number and make sure it's in our system.

So, sir, I'm sorry. Okay, kindly wait.

Okay.

Sir, actually, we could not see any telephone number.

The customer didn't give you a phone number?

We have to get a phone number from every time they complain.

plane no sir we don't actually ask for any phone number what do you ask for what what information

do you get okay so can i please hold for two minutes okay do it okay am i gonna hear hold music

oh yay yeah everybody jesus can come into your life too

our brother carlos tonight did you know when you run from redbox you can return your movie

to any Redbox kiosk,

even in another city or state.

With over 27,000 locations

from which to choose,

Redbox will make a great addition

to your next vacation.

Or the Olympic thing for proud.

I love this better than

the system music.

Want to score a free

one-night DVD rental every month?

Join the Redbox Text Club.

Redbox will text you

a free promo code

on the first Monday

of every month.

Visit redbox.com

slash mobile

for info on how to join.

That's redbox.com

Hello, sir. Thank you for staying on the line.

You're welcome.

Okay. So actually, for security purposes, we only ask for the last four numbers of the credit card, the billing zip code, and the name on the card.

Oh.

Okay.

Can you just three-way us on to the next person that calls in?

Man, I feel like we're doing a heist and we broke in and we get to the safe and the safe's fucking all this guy.

Hello, sir.

One little thing of money instead of a big pile of it.

That's my supervisor talking.

Damn it.

He's a famous prank caller.

You promised me fucking numbers.

Okay, so is there anything else I can help you with today?

Don't you have any?

Do you have, like, any phone numbers of employees, maybe?

No.

I want phone numbers of anyone.

Can we talk to your supervisor?

I talk to your supervisor?

Maybe they'll give us phone numbers.

Okay.

We just want phone numbers, you know?

We want a print column.

Okay.

It'd be hilarious.

I don't think it's going to work, Carly.

Well, you know the feeling, right?

Like we're cops, and we're supposed to bust the fucking thing.

Our house is full of money.

We get there, and all there is is like...

Thank you for staying on the line.

Sir, actually, it's the same.

Our supervisor cannot locate any phone number in our system.

Does the supervisor have a cell phone?

Like maybe they could look in their address book and give me phone numbers from there?

No, sir.

We don't obtain that kind of information.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Please, pretty please

Okay, sir, yes

Our supervisor doesn't have any information

With regard to telephone numbers

Just make up one, come on

Okay, so sir, is there anything else

I can help you with today?

What's your mother's phone number?

What's your home phone number?

Your mom's home phone number

Your home telephone number

Like what number do you dial to reach your mother?

Hello, sir

Hi, what you doing?

So, if you don't have any business with Redbox, I...

Oh, I do. I'm from the corporate office.

I'm from the corporate office with Redbox Incorporated.

Yes, but I've already told you that we don't have that kind of information.

We don't have any phone numbers here in our system.

Am I messing up your call ratio thing?

Handle time.

Handle time?

Okay.

Stop! Handle time!

Your average handle time.

Okay.

So, sir, if you don't have any concern with regard to Redbox, I may now drop the call.

Oh, no, no, don't drop the call.

I'm calling from the corporate office with Redbox.

Oh.

He didn't want to hear too legit to quit.

I'm a failure.

No, you did good, Brad.

You did good.

You should be proud of yourself.

Brad, I'm proud of you.

Too legit to quit.

Hey, hi.

Every day.

Uh-oh.

um cry baby hotline a woman answered at 1 a.m when they tested it i want to talk to that one

hold on what is this let me check this out hang on let me copy pasta you guys this

now whose turn is it for reals i'm a baby my baby hotline 24 hour cry baby hotline

is it like for crying babies or for like you're being a cry baby listen this is a hotline for

For those moments you think you might lose it,

the baby has been crying all night and day.

You haven't stopped.

I could have used one of those a couple decades ago.

It's to talk you out of beating your baby, isn't it?

Probably.

They just don't want you to shake the baby.

I came pretty close a few times.

Man, it sucked.

Those first three months, I wanted to kill myself or the baby.

They can give you tips on how to help baby

or how to just get through it.

there are someone to they are someone to talk to while you gather yourself please utilize the

number if you get to that point yeah here we go this is gonna be fun point now let's remember

the event of 2009 when i got rated for calling a crisis hotline and let's remember the lessons

that we learned that was hilarious is it gonna be neon that would make sense talk manic neon

yeah it should be normal

hello

hi

is this the

crybaby hotline

hello

hold on

is this the crybaby hotline

hi

yes I can barely hear you

you sound like you're moving around

turn the phone around

hello

hi

Hi, whom I'm speaking with.

How can I help you?

This is Leah, and I just found out that I'm pregnant again,

and I have an adopted kid, and I don't know who to talk to anymore.

You have an adopted kid.

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Florida.

Okay, and you have an adopted child.

What's the problem?

I'm getting to the point where I just don't know if I can do this.

I mean, my baby just cries and cries, and I don't know what to do.

Well, mostly that, but, I mean, there are times where you just want to throw it up against the wall.

I mean, they just poop all the time.

He's like 36.

Uh-huh.

Just turned 36.

What?

Counseling?

He doesn't drive any vehicles.

No, miss.

I said counseling.

You're talking about your baby crying.

Who's crying?

The baby?

Don't say to hurt the baby.

Please don't tell me that.

No, no, no.

Listen, listen.

You're calling about what?

You have an adopted child, you said, right?

Mm-hmm.

He's 36 years old.

Months old.

Okay, the baby is 36 months old.

You said the baby cried and cried, right?

And I'm really upset that...

Hello?

I can hear you.

Derek, on days of our lives, is not getting married.

Oh, well, babies do have a tendency of crying.

Did you take the baby to the doctor, maybe, and ask the doctor?

And you know what?

You know, if there's a problem, then maybe the baby has colic or something.

But, you know, did you take the baby to the doctor?

No.

Well, maybe you should take the baby to the doctor to see what's going on with the baby.

It's a he or a she.

Both.

Huh?

It's both.

Both. I mean, I can't, I, you know, I think, I don't know what to do with it, but I really haven't eaten myself.

I mean, you didn't even ask how I was doing, and I just, I don't want this anymore.

Oh, wow. Don't give up.

It's just, it's too easy to give up, and that's what I want. I want easy in my life.

My life is way easier.

Honey, honey, are you on the phone again, honey?

Huh?

Get off the fucking phone.

Oh, my God.

I didn't give you permission to be on the phone.

Don't hit me again.

You dumb bitch.

Get off the phone.

Get off.

Hello?

You get off that phone.

Who is that?

Are you cheating on me?

Who's that man?

Why is there a man on the phone?

I'm not a man, sir.

Oh, you're not a man?

You sound like a man.

Are you cheating on me?

Are you fucking my wife?

You better not be fucking my wife, sir.

I'm a parent hotline.

Oh, yeah, right.

You sound like a man that's fucking my wife.

Sir, I'm very sorry.

May I speak to your wife?

Honey, honey, you put down that phone.

No, no.

Take that, Susan.

Stop hitting me, honey.

Do you need me to call the police?

Susan, I told you, this is my gay lover.

We're allowed to marry now.

What's wrong, McFly? Chicken?

I spilled beer on my jacket. Who's going to pay for this?

What's the matter, McFly? Are you a yellow?

Are you a yellow belly?

Hello?

Nobody calls me chicken.

Hey, hey, Mr. Cheater. Mr. Homewrecker.

You're a homewrecker.

Nobody calls me chicken.

Shut up.

Both of you.

Yellow, yellow.

No, red.

Shut up.

Remember that?

He had like a computer on his chest.

Made the chicken noise.

That's what teenagers are going to do in the future.

They're going to have computers on their chest that make a noise like a chicken.

Oh my God.

Shut up, please.

No, you.

Yes?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling regarding my neighbor who was calling about the crying baby machine.

Yes, I'm listening.

Yeah.

Yeah. Everything's okay. Everything's all right. There's no problems over here. There's nothing to worry about.

Okay, but this is the parent hotline. I will, you know, I don't, you know, I know she had concerns about a baby crying.

We were just kidding. Come on. It's just a joke. Learn how to take a joke, sir.

Have a great day and a good night.

Oh, come on, honey. Come on, honey.

We will. We're going to do more jokes on the phone, sir.

I'm kissing the baby. I'm kissing him.

I like that line

That's awesome

The Purina Cat Chow hotline

Yeah let's call him about a stupid cat

Named Clive

Hey Simplex wants us to say the baby

Tore my wife's pussy

And it makes me want to cry

So twins

I'm going to tear up her pussy really good for you

Just going to come out ripping and shit

What?

What did you say?

Something about rabies

I don't know what she said.

Prerna Cat Chow, again.

It's that menstrual cycle thing.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check.

That one's not going down.

Hey, Enigma wants you to check Skype for that number he sent you.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Enigma did send me a number.

Hang on, where'd it go?

Ew.

Yep, that was good.

toll free number for some kind of

tethered dog, tether tug toy

okay, reminds me of that

what was that we used to call Dwight for a few there

the weeble wobble

wobble wiggle ball or something

like a waggle ball

yeah, Sotha was saying that it was fucking

the dog was fucking

we ought to call them back, I should look what that was

Is that the JZ unplugged, Carlito?

Yeah.

I like that big pimping one.

Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Central Standard Time.

Please leave a message after the tone and someone will listen to your call.

What's wrong, McCly?

You got no scroops?

Ooh.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Got him.

That's my dad's ringtone

on his phone.

Big pimp.

No, got him.

You got no scrote?

Yeah.

You ain't got no scrote.

Thank you for calling TetherCast.

Our business hours are Monday through Friday,

8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Central Standard Time.

Please leave a message.

That sucks.

Let me look to see if I can find the number for Weevil Wobble, though.

That was always fun.

What's Weeble Wobble?

They don't fall down.

It's Wobble Wag Giggle Ball.

Wobble Wag Giggle Ball.

Yeah, it's Weeble Wobble.

Weebles wobble and they don't fall down.

That's why the kids love them these days.

Yeah.

It's Wobble Waggle dot com.

Wobble Wiggle.

Your friends are always looking to have some fun.

But when your couch gets into their playground, that's not good for anyone.

Not anymore.

Introducing Wobble Wag Giggle Ball.

The interactive ball that makes the most hilarious sounds.

That's not turning up for anyone.

You know a fun day of play while you're away.

The secret are three tubes inside the ball that let out sounds when rolled around.

And listen to this.

Wobble Wag Giggle Ball helps keep your dog happy, healthy, and fit.

Because you're giving him a workout without having to take him out.

Look, older dogs slow down.

But with the Wobble Wag Giggle Ball, you'll have them up and playing like a puppy again.

Plus, you'll know when you're not home, he'll never be alone with his Wobble Wag Giggle Ball.

Call or log on now and get a Wobble Wag Giggle Ball for your BFF.

best furry friend

for just $14.99.

To make this the

funnest deal on

the planet.

I can't redefine

BFF.

Yeah.

You can get two

Wobble Whips

for a low price

of just $14.99.

I can't find the

number now.

I'm looking for it

too.

Because they don't

really put their

number on the site.

I'm sure someone

needs it.

Hey, Brad.

What?

Why don't you

make like a tree

and get out of here?

Okay.

Don't you remember

Biff saying that?

Yeah.

Of course I do.

Make like a tree and get the fuck out of here.

Neon, that's about as funny as a screen door in a submarine.

If you ran into it, it would be...

Here you go, Carly.

Try this one right here.

Try that number.

No, no.

I'll take it back.

That's customer service.

This should be the one to order.

Thank you, boy.

Fucking shit.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm bored.

Yeah, I am too.

Aw, that's not very nice.

That sucks the weeble waggle.

I hate robots.

They can't get through the weeble waggle.

Whatever.

Maybe they just taper down their sales.

Hell yeah.

That'd be great to get their customer numbers.

Aw, yeah.

Stuff like that.

Accusing them of using it as a sex toy or something.

Call the customer service line, not the order line.

Shut up, Dwight.

I don't fucking need them

I've killed for fun

I think they have different hours for customer service

I don't know, we'll see, we'll see

All in the customer service department.

To check the status of your order, 24 hours a day, please visit www.customerstatus.com.

Our business hours are from 8 o'clock a.m. to 10 o'clock p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday through Friday.

Return your call during those hours.

See, I told you.

All right.

You told me nothing.

Here's Greyhound Bus Customer Service.

Oh, dang.

Oh, as bad as riding on the bus with that chicken pecking at his nuts again?

Oh, boy.

Seattle is so foreign.

Gray House Customer Assistance Center.

Para Español, oprimo numero ocho ahora.

We need all their customer numbers.

If you're calling about a ticket refund, please press 1.

If you're calling about lost, delayed, or damaged baggage, please press 2.

If you're calling about fare and schedule information, please press 3.

For all other assistance, please press 4.

Thank you for calling Greyhound.

Our offices are currently closed.

Our customer care center will reopen at 5.

Come on.

Why would they be closed?

That's crazy.

Yeah, the buses go this late, right?

They go 24-7, don't they?

I don't know about that, but it just seems like the customer service would be open.

Shit.

Even they don't want to hear complaining.

But I'm done.

I am seriously done.

Bye.

Leon, are you doing an after show?

Are you ready to go on?

I bet you Greyhound doesn't have

like their customers don't have phone numbers

they just don't have phones

shut up Steven

I bet

alright bye Steven

thanks to Mike, Donnie, Dwight

for sending numbers and helping out

thanks motherfucker

Brad thank you for being on

do a show soon

you're welcome Carlito I love you

alright bye Neon go get ready to do a show

thanks bye guys

bye

I'm done.

I'll be on Sunday again.

This is the end of my show, Machine.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Okay, we at seven now.

Y'all getting it.

Beautiful.

Beautiful thing.

I don't think I'm going to leave tonight.

We're going to have to get kicked out.

We might have to get kicked out the building.

Y'all feeling that one right there?

Language.

Calls (42, 2 h 9 min of 3 h 49 min)

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