Tongue Drum

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid comments.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the evening.

And now,

Everybody. Good evening, everybody. Hey, what's going on? How y'all doing? I'm glad to be

here. My name is Carlito. I'm the host of the show. You know me. Host of the show. With

me here is Milkman. Hey, Milkman.

Monty, how you doing, my good friends? Great to hear your melodious tone.

Oh, good to hear you, Melodious Tom.

Yes, sir, my friend.

What you got in store for us?

I know you got something great.

Prank calls.

Yeah.

I'm 36 and I love prank calls.

I'm only 25 and I like prank calls too.

I just suffered your throat, sonny boy.

Your dreams are only 25.

I did 87.

I had to be honest.

All right, here's the first prank of the day to warm us up, to get us started.

I think I'm going to head for this hilltop here.

Might be touching the clouds tonight, man.

Shit.

Attention all units, this is Sergeant Stenego.

Should be driving and working.

Three, pursue to a code 347.

We lost.

We disconnect.

Time to connect to ambulance.

Okay.

Why, this isn't working now for you?

No, just that when I have to stop for a customer, I've got to make a call sometimes.

Oh, fuck.

Welcome company, Mother Boise Mall.

This is Jared.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, pervert?

I wanted to make an order.

All right.

All right, and what's the name for this order?

It's going to be cross.

All right, and what can I get started for you?

I want one pasta.

So what kind of pasta for you?

Just, you know, that pasta there.

You guys have the pasta, the noodles.

You like an alfredo?

Well, just, you know, you boil the pasta, get some water and boil it.

Down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

I'm sorry, what?

what um uh yeah one pasta for me i'll have one pasta we've got multiple everything here is pasta

so well the cooks uh the cooked pasta boiled you know with water dry pasta in the water and you

boil it and you add heat you add some heat in there you mix in some heat you have any meat you

can put in there also uh-huh what a waste of time right milkman are you still there fucker good

cooperative man well this seems to be working only thing is we don't know when they hang up

if it doesn't make that noise.

Allie, how can I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

I'd like to make an order.

Can I have a name for your order?

Cross.

Okay, what can I get for you?

Warm pasta.

Excuse me?

Warm pasta.

Warm pasta?

One pasta.

Okay, what kind of pasta would you like?

Boiled pasta.

Just plain pasta?

Well, boiled, yeah.

Boiled pasta.

Okay.

Add oil.

Do you have an egg noodle?

Add oil.

Do you want any sauce on it?

Add oil.

Oil on the pasta?

Mm-hmm.

Add oil and salt and sauce.

and meat what kind of sauce uh the pasta sauce the warm the warm sauce warm it's warm you warm

it up and you put it on we have like a lot of different kinds of sauces put three fingers in

your pussy what kind of meats do you have okay what kind of meats you have oh i said pussy right

stupid waste of time stupid waste of time so how you doing are you working milkman you're driving

Are you driving around on the work pit?

I'm driving around, dude.

I'm heading up for the clouds, man, dude.

Looks like the clouds are going to overtake me here in a minute.

Oh, man.

We'll be touching the cloud again, man.

Milkman's getting high.

He's going to see the clouds.

It's the sky, baby.

Tim's and Lister are also invited.

If you guys feel safe with a taxi driver who is taking acid right now,

two hits of acid while he's at work,

picking people up and dropping them off giving milkman a call he's in the the bay area california

he's available what would two hits of acid do to you would you be able to drive with two hits of

acid is that or just one yeah i could do two hits of acid and drive that's i don't know that i would

like be like wanting to drive i'd probably run to do something else like what jerk off yeah i could

You could drive on to your house.

You probably want a truck.

No, like fucking some chick.

Buttfucking a chick, yeah.

Hell yeah.

If you've ever been tripping, man, and you're with your girl, man, that's some good stuff there, boy.

That's some of the best hell you'll ever get.

You know, you could go to like a bathhouse, you know, and take it there.

Oh, bathhouse, yeah.

There might be some homeowners there, too, if you're so inclined.

Yeah.

Hey!

By the way, congratulations to America's Gays.

all the gay, everyone who has

gay out there

Happy Pride, the Pride Weekend

kids, all you kids and

old-timers and

horny people and gay and not gay

and transvestite and trans

and everything and everything

and nothing, nothing but

Happy Pride

L-G-B-T-R-J-K-H-A-E

and everybody

R-S-T-L-N-E

Yeah, that's right

Yeah, let's call it

E-T-A-O-N-R-S.

What are you talking about?

Now you're just rambling.

Trying to go over the frequency.

Frequency.

Frequency cable.

Common letters in the United and English language.

Make frequency of usage.

Frequency B.

B.

Yeah, E-T-A-O-N-R.

This place is closed.

They close at 6 p.m. today.

Oh.

Hi.

You have a...

Shut up.

Oh, and it does make the noise for us.

So we're good.

See how beautiful this is, man.

The cloud is almost the top of the car now.

Yeah, I'm glad you're in the clouds.

That's great.

It sounds very safe.

Very safe.

It's beautiful up here, Hermana.

You're supposed to be working.

Help you.

Hey, yeah, listen.

Do you have those shirts that come in bags?

What kind of shirts?

The dress shirts that come folded up in the bag with plastic bags.

Oh, yeah, we do.

Why do they come in a bag like that?

I'm not sure that's the way we receive them.

Stupid.

You know?

It is stupid.

but i wanted a um milkman i want to uh open them up open up the bags and take out the pins are you

there hello ma'am is that you so i thought you were my friend i'm sorry can you can i uh hello

oh it's on hold shit i messed up hello oh man our milkman disconnected and i made a mistake

thinking she was milkman then i put her on hold you're calling ross and boise how may i help you

Hi, stupid. I was calling regarding the dress shirts and bags, the bag dress shirts there.

I need to take those out of the bag and take the pins out and everything, you know, if I'm going to get it.

I have to try them on.

Okay.

Because this isn't fair.

Are you here in the store ready to try them on now?

Well, I left upset because all the dress shirts are in stupid freaking bags.

I need to be able to get into those bags.

Oh, I see. Did you know that you could go to customer service and ask them to pull them out and you would be able to try it on then?

no i didn't because i looked at the customer service girl and she gave me a dirty look

like the stink guy sorry about that and she said she said shit like that she says shit

fucking damn it like that she said to me she slammed the she slammed the phone down she said

shit fucking damn it like that to me and then she um yelled at another employee that's there

she was like hey stupid bitch you did it again like that and she shoved her and um she the other

employee fell into one of those blue plastic carts you got there oh like she actually went

uh backwards she fell backwards into that well um i'll definitely let our manager know that that

was happening while you were witnessing it yeah and then the cart the shut up the cart started

rolling like really fast because of the force of the shove and then she hit like back where

the fitting rooms are you know the counter back there uh she hit it and there's not a counter

back here in this one i'm standing here in the sitting room right now yeah but there's like a

like a kind of like a low part there that it hits at no there's nothing like that here maybe it was

the front counter then but she went flying she went flying out of the out of the thing yeah and

then she went through the the front window like she broke through the window head first she just

kept going well i gotta go now because i gotta do my job she kept going and she went through the

the back of a car shut up she went through the back of a car window she just kept going

milkman did you make it here are you here milkman hey hi milkman

what kind of stupid story was that he just yelled shut up get on that number

what what was that buddy am i able to dial back in on that number because he didn't get

no no no it's only outbound milkman it's only an outbound line do you want me to call you back on

it or can you stay here you tell me it's either way it's easier for me it's the same thing hello

this guy but i think just having a phone call with him is going to be the easiest right i don't have

his phone number memorized i gotta open up my phone and see jim stewart was gonna join us but

then he said at the last minute that he wasn't feeling good and wasn't gonna make it he had

had big plans for a big idea to call the burj arab uh the tallest building in the world machine

but i guess we'll have to wait until next week for that because jim stewart's failure

probably listening right now sorry that's not true nice guy circuits are busy here

please try your college oh no man your circuits are busy well hey man it's your reception

on the fucking shit you know this should work better than skype on mobile i would think okay

okay just okay as long as i don't have to make a phone call dude i'm okay if you just tell me

when you have to take the call hey it's just call ended by remote meaning he hung up and his phone

drops he's got a shit connection man he just has a shit connection i don't know what his problem

he's always had that i used to think it was only because he was in the virgin islands but he came

to live in like la and chicago and denver for a while and then san francisco and shit and it's

still happening it's like no there's something up with you i don't know i just don't get it he

touches technology and it all goes like problems happen to him that don't happen anyone else with

internet connections and fucking cell phone connections i just don't get it it's just so

weird some people let's call the vitamin a shoppy and all that put together made it just it worked

one two one two

It is 6 o'clock now on the West Coast,

which is when usually stores on the East Coast, I notice,

with this caliber, start closing at 6 p.m. on Sundays

when it's not the holiday season.

Now, in the holiday season, we get extra hours.

holiday season is just so much for them for prank calls like especially for us because we start out

with that big prank call marathon which is epic and then we have all the um layaway calls leading

up to it it's always fun brad and others get numbers from layaway customers that shit is

fucking hilarious man just fucking with those layaway people

and then we do those shows on the holidays where we prank the few places that are open a lot

Oh, I love it, man.

And then the photo customers, because people go to photo labs a lot in the holidays.

We had a lot of calls two years ago to those photo labs, man.

I had one woman, it was like, she was really pissed off at Valenti that night.

Particularly, I remember one lady.

But I'm not Dwight.

I'm not going to sit here and make you listen to the whole story.

Let me try to call Milkman back.

Then, and then,

we could call a Red Robin.

Come on, Milk.

Fuck. Shit.

Hello?

I'm sorry, I'm unable to take your call.

Ah, okay.

He'll call back. He'll call back.

Everything I'm finding is open.

The closed, rather.

here. This Petco is open for another

hour. Excellent.

Well, they're supposed to be open still.

Terrible, man.

The braille line ain't working anymore, is it?

What?

Hello?

What?

What is?

Hello?

What?

Hello?

What?

Is the phone line working?

Yeah, I tried to call you and then went to voicemail.

No, dude, it's not.

It's not right.

As soon as I talked to you, it hung right up.

Yeah, well, everyone here heard it hang up, heard your line drop, and then heard me try

to call you back a little bit later, and it went to voicemail.

I'll call you back.

No, I'm just sitting here, man.

I'm just sitting here.

I ain't fucking moving.

All right.

I don't know.

Oh, it dropped. It dropped. I don't know what to tell you.

It dropped. It dropped.

Call me back then, dude, because this is, like, cutting out really bad here.

Okay, bye.

Skype this.

Bye.

All you gotta do is pick up, Milkman.

All you gotta do.

Hello?

It's Morris Mill.

I'm back again.

He's gonna get mad at me. Watch. He's gonna get all butthurt.

I have nothing to do with it.

Well, I don't have time to keep trying to call him if it's not gonna connect.

Hello?

I forgot to dial the one.

All right, we're calling a TJ Maxx.

They're supposed to be open for another two hours.

Let's see, because everything so far has been closed.

We also are calling Boise's pretty shit city, huh?

Boise, TJ Maxx, and home.

Shut up.

May I direct your call?

Yeah, listen, you got all those shirts in a bag.

Do we have shirts in a bag?

Yeah, you have all the dress shirts in a bag.

No, we don't.

Yes, you do.

You have a whole bunch of those dress shirts in the bag, in the boxes and bags.

I'm going to open up all the boxes.

What boxes are we talking about?

They have shirts in them.

Um, I don't think we have any shirts in boxes.

They got delivered here. I'm at Best Buy. I work for Best Buy.

Oh, do you want me to direct you to my manager, then?

Well, listen, they delivered a whole bunch of your stuff here.

We have a bunch of dress shirts in boxes, and they already started going through them here, just to let you know.

You probably won't want to get here as soon as you can, because I'm going to start taking some, too,

because I need, like, some yellow dress shirt.

there's a nice goldenrod one in there i'm thinking about getting let me tell my manager really quick

she's right next to me well hurry up this is betty how may i help you yeah so you're the

manager there oh yes i'm the manager on duty how can i help duty i'm here at the best buy i work

at the install department and back the car and they just delivered a bunch of your boxes here

um there's a whole bunch of men's dress shirts and stuff okay just today they delivered them

Yeah, it was like 20 minutes ago, but one, like, there was seven boxes I signed for, and the staff's already gone through two of them, and the black guys are getting ready to open up a third one, and I saw this one nice dress shirt, it's like goldenrod, I'm probably going to pick it up for me.

Okay, so you just need someone to come over and get them, or you can, you have them on a flatbed, you can bring them over, or else you...

Well, no, we're not going to be going over there bringing you shit because it's your shit.

It's your stuff.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we didn't do the necessary.

I'll have someone come over.

You have how many boxes for us?

Well, right now it was originally seven.

Now it's four and a half.

What happened to the other three?

I told you, the guys that were doing the switch shifts change, they were clocking out.

They started going through it.

I think one box has a few shirts in it still, but most of them, they were trying them on and comparing them and trading them and all that.

okay so you it was addressed to you guys or was addressed to us it has our address on it and it

says tj maxx and home goods on it and it has all your it has a whole bunch of paperwork here from

you so what you're telling me is that your guys have stolen our shirts well i tried to call once

and no one answered so they just started they're really i mean a lot of them are like they they

work uh first shift because they have to be home in a certain time because of work release and

And what was your name?

My name is Cross.

And I'm not on work release.

I'm working the install bay.

But I'm just going to grab this one shirt, the golden rod-looking one here.

You see it?

Well, you know, why don't you let us bring it in and process it into our store,

and then you can come purchase it.

Oh, well, yeah.

Okay, yeah, but the black guys are getting ready to open another box right now.

Okay, would you just ask them not to?

Hang on.

Hey.

Hey, aunt, aunt, aunt.

No.

No, she, uh, they're asking if, like, you can't, not, Anthony, they're not, they're not listening to me.

She's asked if you could not, they said, hey, man, hey, ooh, get that one, though, okay, I'll take that one.

That's another one in red, yes, yes, yes, my nigga, that one, all right, yeah, okay, I got it, yeah, we're good.

Hey, hey, hey, are you, who's the manager on duty at Best Buy right now?

uh that's carl no would you let me speak with carl please or it's uh yeah i'll call carl hang

on i gotta patch you through all right are you at are you right next door to us right now yeah i'm

in the install bay where the cars come in okay all right thank you may i speak to the manager

on duty there uh it might take a minute is that okay that's all right i have a minute okay and i

If we had seven boxes tonight, I'd like all seven of them to come back to us.

Oh, maybe not.

Hello.

Are you the manager on duty at Best Buy?

I have the manager on duty right now.

Go ahead.

And your name?

Your name?

He's here.

Hi.

What was your name?

Yes, ma'am.

My name's Craig.

How may I help you?

Hi, Craig.

My name is Betty.

I am the manager on duty at TJ Maxx right now.

And I just received a phone call from your guys back on the install deck who say they just received seven boxes from us.

using some pretty nasty language and they have opened three of the boxes and the earlier shift

has taken them home they were dress shirts so i'm just trying to find out what's going on

oh right you said you had seven boxes they opened three of the boxes

what kind of language was used ma'am just for my record here hello hello i'm here i'm sorry did you

not hear me what kind of language was used you said that they used them like some dirty language

What is that?

Yes, word.

Like shit or suck?

What kind of word?

The first one.

And then the N-word being the racial slur.

Oh, no, that doesn't sound like my guys back there at all.

Okay, so can you check with your guys back there?

I'm not sure who makes deliveries on Sunday or whether they just came from.

You said they were just delivered to seven boxes.

If she's talking about the N-word, I said my nigga.

has already opened and taken home

some of them from the first one

and he's actually got one

that he's very interested in.

I gave him permission to take the shirts home.

I mean, they're kind of shitty shirts anyways.

So, what's the problem?

If you got freight with our

store name on it, why would you

give them permission to take that merchandise?

Because we tried calling you twice yesterday.

You never came to pick them up.

So, what the fuck, right?

We don't have all day. They're taking up a lot of valuable real estate.

Did you let, who did you speak with yesterday?

No one.

You're not paying attention.

I tried calling twice.

No one picked up the horn.

What are you going to do?

I'm not just going to leave him out here.

Are you, well, no, certainly not.

But I would think that a business, you would.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to make sure I wash them, right?

I'll have the old lady put them in the washing machine for you.

I'll come back.

I'll box the fuckers back up and we'll get them over to you.

Are you honestly the manager on duty at Best Buy right now?

Oh, my God.

You want to speak to the other manager?

I would like to, please.

someone that's in the store not on the back dock all right let me see it's gonna take a second let

me see if i can fucking track him down hold on excuse me this

This is the manager. Hello.

Hello. You are the manager of what?

I'm manager at Best Buy here in Boise.

Okay, so your name is?

My name is Eddie Garcia.

I'm sorry, what was it again?

Garcia, Eddie Garcia.

Eddie, my name is Betty.

I work at TJ Maxx.

I understand you have seven boxes of ours.

And your guys in the back have opened them, taken some home.

I am most offended by the language I've had on the telephone with two different guys.

And I cannot believe that a manager, who I was told he was a manager,

gave the guys permission to open the boxes and take home our freight wait a minute what are you

wait a minute what freight wait a minute wait wait wait wait let's go back go back this is best buy

on franklin road in boise yes that's that's correct and who are you i am betty costman with

tj maxx on franklin road right next door to you i received a call from a gentleman um one of the

one of the gentlemen was named cross he said you received seven boxes hang on wait a minute cross

Cross, Cross, get over here.

Okay, what did she, what happened?

That you received seven boxes of ours yesterday,

and you've tried to call us twice, and no one answered,

and I don't know what happened there.

But he has given permission to the guys on the back dock

or on the install dock to open them.

There are only four boxes left of the seven that were delivered to your store.

Granted, they were delivered to your address, I understand, but they did say...

Only little open three.

And the guys have taken some of the shirts home.

Three boxes have been opened.

There's four left.

Oh, that explains the shirt.

The shirt thing.

Okay.

Now I was wondering where all the shirts were coming from.

And then the language has just been deplorable.

From the F word to the N word to the S word.

And I am offended.

And I cannot believe that you would get freight in.

I mean, what if I got a shipment of stereos?

I would bring them to you or call you until I got through to you.

I would not let my install guys just help themselves.

Yeah, but there's a big difference between stereos and shirts.

I mean, stereos, if you were doing that with stereos, I mean, that's grand larceny, you know?

Let's be honest.

I am just so...

But we need to get this taken care of.

So you said Cross, because Cross gave me a shirt earlier today when he got off the clock.

He gave me a shirt.

But he said it was just a gift that everyone had gotten shirts.

shirts okay well what i was told was you received seven boxes that were for tj maxx and home goods

yeah i know we received we've received seven boxes we had them back here in the surplus area

on the floor and no one claimed them and helped themselves to them oh well yeah that happens

everyone this is the it's happened with dsw it's happened with you guys a few times now

this is the first time we've gotten stuff from the jiffy lube merchandise with our store's name

name on it and help yourself yeah we get we've done you know the mcdonald's we've gotten some

of their stuff before office max we do like swap yeah it's happened well it's not a swap i mean

it's merchandise intended to well they get our merchandise sometimes too so we would never keep

your merchandise and give it away to associates i mean if you lost the shipping lottery whatever

i can't all right so you want these shirts back so because my guys are leaving back yes

I can round up some of the black guys, you know?

They're still here.

The black guys are still here, and they're still going through the shirts right now.

They were actually playing basketball.

Can you ask them to stop going through the freight?

Hang on.

Let me see.

Hey, guys.

Guys.

Can you not?

I'm talking to the lady.

Can you get CJ to the front, please?

I'm talking.

She's like a real bitch, you know?

I'm trying to get the shirts back.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's a real fucking bitch, and she's real fucking pissed off at you guys for fucking around.

So if you don't mind fucking putting that shit back where it needs to fucking go,

in the fucking boxes, so she can get her fucking shit back,

before I start kicking...

Put me on the spot or anything.

I needed a manager, I'm sorry.

No idea what was going on, I just woke up and I fucking answered.

i needed those i'm sorry thanks it was perfect though i just said i need you know you knew it

was for a manager right yeah and then she explained the whole fucking thing to you so

pretty much yeah yeah all right oh yeah thanks for that let me try to get milk

hang on hang on here he is

hello hey i'll try again i'll try again i'll try again all right okay well you missed a really good

a prank call because of your stupid

fucking thing, but I'm calling you back.

Alright, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, shut up.

Well, I don't worry.

It's about to change now.

It's a shame how things ain't the same,

but I'm back in the game now.

And as we step in the door, we cause panic.

Yep, the usual suspects, we at it.

Mama, let me add you back to this show later

after Melfin gets back on, because he gets mad

with other people.

Are you hearing me?

I think I lost him

Yeah, no worries

I'll call you back later

I'm sorry

Later

Thanks for helping me out, man

You let me keep that call going

Thanks

Alright

I actually want to call her back

Oh, how does she believe that?

How do we

How

Where do we get these people?

And see prison as just a high cost of living

If you blow that dice on that O.Z.

Darkie ain't going nowhere

And you're away now

Calling Milkman

And the phone keeps ringing now

Are you gonna pick up?

I've called twice now in a row

And it goes to voicemail

Why is it not ringing?

Bye

Oh, it's not ringing you

It rang you before

Now it won't ring you again?

I don't get it

I don't understand

Did you block it on accident?

Alright, I will

Bye

Hey yo, on rainy days I sit back and count ways on how to get rich

No Jamaican bitch, banana coat matching with the ratchet

Lil' black weed, sweatpants style

In the six kicks, Lil' Chris talking about the bird

Float through your hood in the mean sense, that's giant

It's a lion, buried you alive, left the whole crying

Hey, now it worked, okay, now it worked

Damn, that's a piece of shit, motherfucker

Okay, the call blocker was where it was happening before, dude

I didn't know what was going on.

I got a call blocker for a weird number.

Our number is a weird number.

Pay your damn bills.

You don't have them.

Oh, damn it.

Here we go.

Thank you for calling your TJ Maxx.

Did you hear the TJ Maxx call?

My name is Charles Coggins.

Yeah, I'm here now.

I'm about to even talk.

Personally, with any questions, concerns, or feedback you may have.

Did they close?

To make your shopping experience exceptional.

What the fuck?

Press 1.

One moment, please.

Could have sworn I went straight to somebody the last time I called.

Thank you for calling your voice to TJ Maxx.

I'm good, TJ.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm calling from the Best Buy.

Was that lady supposed to be coming over here for these shirts and whatnot?

Um, hold on.

Best Buy is on this line, too.

All right.

Good afternoon.

This is Betty.

How may I help you?

Hey, Betty.

We got disconnected.

I was able to talk to the guys.

I think I got most of them back.

I think there's about a box worth that left.

Well, Eddie, the reason we got disconnected was because your language was absolutely disgusting.

They won't listen.

These guys won't listen to me unless I go down to their level and talk to them like that.

You don't understand the hell I have to work in here.

I'm sorry.

Well, it should be quiet so I don't have to hear it then.

So can you bring the boxes to the front of the store and I will have an associate come pick them up?

It's going to take a while.

You can't send anyone over here?

Yes, I can send someone over to the front doors.

I mean, we're running a business here just the same as you are.

Well, so are we, and it's not our fault that they got here.

and now the oh my god okay i'm sorry no i'm sorry can you now excuse me can okay i'll quit

interrupting you what did you want to say no i said a really bad word um the thing is the black

guys keep trying to go they keep trying to steal it the stuff you know anything that doesn't have

an rfid tag they try to take everything everything has to have an rfid tag here and you don't your

stuff doesn't you know they're just putting them on now i don't know which shirts belong to them

which don't i went up to one of them and he was like like that that's what he said okay and he

went to push he went to push and shove me and i'm you know and i know i'm their manager i will i

think that you guys are our landlord and i will take this up with my corporate offices tomorrow

morning when they are open because i think that if you get a box that does not have your name on

it you allow it to be open and the gentleman who called me first certainly said that's what you

you guys do um you know i'll find out what we need to do about that if you can set the boxes aside

no we don't do that we we don't do that here we don't do you don't do what um go through the boxes

and all that well the gentleman told me it happens with dsw it happens with mcdonald's merchandise

it happens with everybody who seems to be in this area if you get a box that doesn't belong to you

the mcdonald's thing was an isolated incident and we compensated them for all the meat well i'm just

I'm just repeating what the gentleman told me.

Okay.

And I used that term loosely.

So is it possible for you to set them aside in a security area?

What term?

Which term?

That?

What do you mean?

Pardon?

You said you used a term loosely.

I called him a gentleman, and I should not have said that.

Okay.

But anyway, is it possible for you to set the boxes that are left aside?

What time do you close tonight?

What is Saturday or Sunday?

It's just all a blur.

Tonight's Sunday, right?

Yeah, 8 p.m.

You close at 8. We close at 8 also, so there's no way I'm going to be able to be able to come over.

Oh, fantastic. Well, forget it then.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, forget it then, I guess. I don't know what to tell you. They're not going to be here that long.

No, all I'm saying is I can't leave the store and come over and physically get them at this point.

I can't send someone around to the back of the store.

Send them to the front, then. I don't know.

So, as the manager, you know, if you can't put them in a secure place, then, you know, we'll...

Well, they are in the most secure place possible right now, where they are right now.

So I will be over in the morning with my store manager to get the boxes that you have left.

Is that okay?

I can guarantee you they won't be here at that point.

Oh, then they're not in a secure place.

Well, there is no secure place here that I can put them at that the guys won't get into.

Okay.

So if I wanted to come and pick them up right now, where would I go?

Well, they're in the install bay if you want to do it directly without getting the public involved where they have to see it.

What do you mean where they have to see what?

Well, because people are going to be wondering why you guys are carting off boxes, you know,

and arguing with us about those shirts being stolen and everything.

Who's going to be doing that?

Whoever you send, and our guys might be like, oh.

My guys won't say anything.

Okay, all right, I'll tell our guys.

But that's why I'm asking.

I'm not comfortable.

Do you want me to tell them now to shut up, to not to say anything?

I'm not comfortable with sending my guys to where these guys particularly are.

You're not comfortable sending your guys to Best Buy?

I am not comfortable sending my guys to Best Buy.

To the front.

All right, they don't have to come inside the building.

They just have to be in front and secure it.

No, but see, your bay is around to the side.

Yeah, but all right, listen, we'll bring them around the front quietly so no one notices,

and we'll make the exchange in between our double doors.

Do you know how we have the two sets of doors?

Yes.

You know, we've had freight that's gone back and forth before, and it's never been questioned.

We've gotten freight for you guys that we've taken the box over, and you guys have had it from us before.

I've been here for many, many years, and it's happened, and no one questions that.

It's changed a lot.

So I will bring a flatbed, and if you have the empty boxes that have already been taken, the three,

I would appreciate those boxes as well.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, and who's the general manager there, Eddie?

uh that's mr brad gerbell okay thank you so much so i will send uh a couple of guys over to grab

those boxes if you can have them at the front i would a couple girls send a couple girls you

know what i mean we like some eye candy around here okay see nice sexy girls how long before

they're at the front grab and pinch their little buttholes um um excuse me you know is this a joke

No, no, no, we'll get, we can have the box, I mean, they're not, what's left is, there's only like two boxes left now.

Well, when this conversation happened, there were four boxes left.

Yeah, well, I keep telling you that the black guys are going through it.

Well, I thought that you told me that they had been secured.

So if you get the boxes and the empty boxes that they've just emptied to the front, I would like the empty boxes as well.

Well, Carmen took the empty boxes because she's moving, so she took two of the empty boxes with her.

she said oh she said she just needed the boxes or she wouldn't want to take anything that she

didn't pay for but she's like well we're like well you know you're you want to take the boxes

for your movie you know are the boxes to the front doors now huh are the boxes to the front

are they on their way to the front door now let me call that hang on yeah carl get those box well

whatever boxes from those assholes back there tell them to get that shit packed up and up to

to the fucking front.

Thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, they should be on the way.

I'll go down myself,

talk to the blacks

and make sure that they're

not messing around, you know?

Thank you very much.

All right.

Hey, this is great talking to you.

Do you guys like Chipotle?

Do you guys want to do Chipotle someday?

And your name is Eddie Garcia,

is that correct?

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you, Eddie.

Assistant Manager Eddie Garcia.

Yeah.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, my goodness, troublesome Eddie, man, in the manager's

position, we're all kinds of troubles out there with them employees now, yep, shit,

man, motherfucker, I took a shit in that box, man, in that box, and I left it, I left it

Can I put it in the microwave?

The whole box? No.

It came from the microwave.

I tried to put shit in it.

Shut up, that's silly.

Yeah, boss! Yeah, boss!

Open my ass now.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Maybe this place closed? Yeah, they closed already.

Nevermind!

These closed.

This Cabela's closed?

That's what we doing.

Sears Outlet, closed today.

You saw that little fake shit out there?

You know the science on that.

You gotta sing that shit.

McDonald's and DSW.

Tell me, when you hear a Beatles record,

what thoughts run through your mind?

Alright, the DSW should be open.

The Melon Suite, Miss Paul,

Miss John, Miss Ring on the Joys,

they're all singing.

You know, Beatles bring joy into the world.

Thank you for calling DSW,

Designer Shoe Warehouse in Boise.

It'll be open from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.

on Saturday, July 4th.

For regular store hours, touch 1.

For store directions, touch 2.

For DSW return policy, touch 3.

For customer service, touch 0.

This message will...

I'll touch them.

Well, wild sex, touch yourself.

Touch your ass if you want to feel good.

Thank you for calling DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse in Boise.

She caught you.

It'll be open from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.

on Saturday, July 4th.

I'm going to touch your little ass.

You said what you did, but I'm going to touch your little asshole.

Is this a return policy?

Touch three.

I'm touching it.

Eddie Garcia, the asshole toucher.

Touch?

Come on, just put me through now.

Thank you for calling DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse.

Oh, fuck you, man.

I'm touching it.

Did you just say there were some girls?

Thank you for calling DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse in Boise.

We'll be open from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Saturday, July 4th.

For regular store hours, touch one.

Restore directions, touch 2

Fuck, don't touch anything

It's not gonna work

Uh, how about we send Best Buy over there then

Call recording off

Call recording

Ben activated your recording on Google Voice

Milkman, your problem is Google Voice

Would you just give me your fucking phone number?

Your real phone number?

For directions, press 2

To speak to a sales associate, press 3

For pricing and availability, press 1

For questions regarding a previous purchase

Purchase and all other questions, press 2.

It's working here.

Come on, we're invested now.

Now we're going to wait.

Someone must be.

All right, all right, all right.

I give up, I give up.

I guess you don't want to accept the delivery.

Oops, I hung up the wrong one.

Shit!

Oh, are you there, Milkman?

All right, good.

I got you.

Yes.

I thought I hung up on you.

I was like, I'll never get them back.

Hey, no, no, no.

Hey, look, I'm going to be driving, too.

So, like, what I can do is when I got to call a customer, I can go on the other line.

All you got to do is just call me back if you drop me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sounds good.

That'll work smoothly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, I got you.

Yeah, man, man.

That was good, man.

Hey, lady, we're very happy with your services at Best Buy.

Eduardo.

That was awesome.

here's a place called Starbucks I'm trying to send someone over there someone over trying to

find someone open the Starbucks should be open here until midnight my time so whenever I dial

a number milk like it's put on mute automatically it's funny you get put on hold automatically do

you hear music when that happens hey Starbucks yes okay I'm calling from the TJ Maxx

here you know just down okay down the way uh we received a bunch of your uh your stuff here

like what stuff uh we've there's coffee mugs there's a bunch of paper paper products coffee

yeah we already got seven boxes here really yeah and the problem is that the uh some of the guys

already started going through it and there's about one box worth of stuff gone and i think

Like, some of them are getting ready to, like, you might want to get, like, I tried to stop them, and they started, like, shoving me around.

They're pretty intimidating.

Can you, like, send someone as soon as you can over here to get them, please?

So, you have our product over there, and somebody took it?

Well, like, the guys, they were ending their shifts.

And they saw the stuff in the back, and they saw that it was Starbucks, and they started opening it.

And they were, some of them already left with a bunch of, a bunch of cops.

There's some kind of coffee, like a tea machine, coffee machine, brewery thing.

Also, they talk.

Okay.

Yeah, like.

Is it addressed to you guys?

It had our address, but it's this Starbucks West Franklin Road.

Weird.

When did it get delivered to you guys?

Not too long ago.

Maybe like 30 minutes ago.

It's addressed to, it says here, it says 8077 West Franklin Road.

and we're at 8345 so the package outside had 8345 but all the paperwork inside has

you know it says 8077 and i was like oh where is that and then i said wait a minute starbucks yeah

because it all has the the starbucks tivana there's i'm looking i hear tivana earl gray

um like there's like a pineapple tea here pineapple weird yeah you better get okay well

i can't leave my store so let me call my store manager and i'll see if that she can head over

there and look at it because they're literally going through it here like right now like

okay do me a favor try not to let anybody else take it well i can't i can't they shove me around

they're you know black guys you know you're joking right no no they're not no they are they

They don't let me.

Do you work at TJ Maxx?

Mm-hmm.

Are you the manager?

No.

Where is your manager?

She's kind of busy.

What?

Right now.

She already left because we're going to close really soon.

She takes off Sunday.

Oh, okay.

She takes off Sunday.

She goes to nighttime mass.

Are you there by yourself?

No, no.

There's a few of us here, but everyone else is back there going through this stuff now.

and we're supposed to be open for like another hour and 18 minutes and they just like abandoned

the post and everything to get the stuff like you really need to get over here okay okay yeah

thank you bye bye all right what do you think it sounds like they'll send someone at least they'll

go and ask about it right that'll be funny when it happens i said they're black guys she uh it's

Like, you're kidding.

Oh, no.

They're blacks.

Dude, I just got a wildest call, man, a couple minutes ago.

You was in the middle of that call.

Somebody called me.

Uh-huh.

Cool.

Oh, yeah, man.

One of the customers, man.

The fucking hot chick, man.

She called me back, man.

She wants something.

She wants to fuck.

She wants to fuck, Muffman.

I think so, my friend.

I might be busy here on my break.

Blah, it's getting hot.

Oh, shit.

We're doing phone sex.

I might be lucky, man.

I might be lucky.

Our hours of operation are Monday through Saturday, 10 to 8 to 6.

Message after the tone because your call is important to us.

Thank you.

All right, the internet says 7 p.m.

The message says 6 p.m.

They're already closed.

All right, fine.

I'm just trying to call a different city than, like, Californian cities like I always do.

The same areas.

Vegas or California or Seattle

I'm trying to do something else

There's nothing really open

Shit's kind of dead

See a bridal store is going to be closed

Yeah

Okay

Okay.

Office Max is closed right now.

Let's share a warehouse and an answer.

Golf Galaxy should be open for another 15.

Let's see.

Nothing but a half a mil.

Let's get them, man.

Hell yeah.

For real, y'all.

You reaching?

On another one.

Thank you for calling Golf Galaxy.

Yeah.

All golf.

All the time.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions to the store, press 2.

For corporate customer service, please dial 1-800-287-9060.

You're deep in the manhole.

Press 2.

Hey, guy.

You're in the manhole.

Thank you for calling PJ Maxx in San Luis Obispo, California.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

For employment opportunities, press 3.

To speak with a store associate, press 4.

Thank you.

One moment, please.

Thank

you for calling your TJ Maxx and Sandalus Abyssal.

This is Kyle. How can I assist you today?

Yes, ma'am. I'm calling because we received a bunch of your stuff over here.

Um, hold on one second.

Okay, motherfucker.

motherfucker no i was gonna do something else okay i'm sorry can you repeat that yeah i bought

one of the uh abstract art portraits that you have uh do you know is there a ticket on there

uh not anymore okay but i can find it maybe maybe maybe uh but i brought it home right and i hung

it up and everything in the bedroom um and now what i noticed when i when i'm laying down

if i'm looking at it it's actually like it you look a certain way and it's very um very vulgar

uh-huh it has a very vulgar message oh really um it says eat it eat it okay and then it almost

looks like a very like a loose lip uh hairy vagina oh yeah okay like like half of it's like

a big hairy loose-lipped vagina and then it says eat on the left side and it i mean it doesn't

it's not like really bald and easy to see if you're standing you can't even see it if you're

looking at it but if you're like i swear to god if i'm in this angle i see it it's like a big

fucking late like vagina um plant on the item having bought the item yeah let me talk to your

supervisor ma'am because yeah i can do that for you i'll put you on hold for a second you're not

taking this shit serious okay i'm sorry i just wasn't sure what it was that you were talking

talking about completely, so I'm going to put you on hold for now and I'll get a manager.

All right, lady. Go ahead, lady, lady.

Deemed online at TJMaxx.com or in any TJ Maxx store from coast to coast.

Pick up a TJ Maxx gift card today.

This is Adam. How can I help you?

Hey, Big Adam. How are you?

Good.

When I look at this art that I got there at a certain angle, it looks like a big vagina,

and it says, eat it, really big.

Sorry, what's that?

This art that I got there, it looks, not when you look straight at it,

but when I lay down on my bed and I'm looking at it from a certain angle,

if you look at it that way, it shows like a big hairy vagina that takes up the whole thing.

And then it says eat on one side and it on the other.

I don't know if that's on purpose or what, but it's very vulgar and rude.

I apologize. I'm at a loss for words.

I don't know what piece you're talking about. I haven't seen it.

If you want to bring it in and bring your receipt back, we'll refund you your money.

That's no problem, but I'm not sure what you're referencing,

so I'll help you too much over the phone, unfortunately.

Yeah, it was the only one that you had there.

Like I said, if you want to bring your receipt and bring the item back, we can return it.

No problem.

It's used, though, you know, if you know what I mean.

Okay.

I don't know what else to do for you, unfortunately.

I've used it about five, six times this weekend.

Okay, all right.

What else am I going to do?

Well, like I said, bring your receipt in and we'll get you squared away.

A four-foot pussy, like what the hell am I going to do, you know?

I don't know how to help you over the phone, unfortunately.

Oh, I'm sure you can figure out how to help me over the phone, honey.

Okay, well, I'm going to let you go. You have a good night.

What are you wearing? I'll describe the big pussy to you. It's hairy.

It has a huge clitoris, too.

Clitoris.

I think that's what attracted his attention initially, was the bulbous, huge clitoris.

Sexual ramifications. I mean, he was ramificating, too, sir.

I think he may have been offended, dude.

I don't think he's a fan of the Bush.

He didn't sound like it, did he?

No.

I don't think so.

I don't think he was into the president at all.

No.

The President Johnson.

Thank you for calling your TJ Maxx top of the world.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

Press 2. For employment opportunities, press 3. Speak with a store associate.

Press 0.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx. For store hours, press 1. For directions, press 2.

For employment opportunities, press 3. Speak with a store associate. Press 4.

Okay, 4. My bad.

One moment, please.

Just make 4 and 0 go to those.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx. Pastor Opals, this is Melody. How may I help you?

Hey, Melody. Hi.

Hello?

Hey, Melody, how are you?

I'm good.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

That's great, all right, okay.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was calling because I was having trouble with this shirt that I got there.

All right, do you see this part here where it doesn't button up correctly right here?

Do you see this part here where it doesn't button up correctly?

Buttoning up.

Right here, right here.

like is that how it's supposed to go or is this supposed to go more like well since it's not in

front of me i do not know well look i'm showing it to you on the camera phone excuse me i'm showing

it to you on the camera phone oh i can't see that so sorry you don't have a viewer on your phone

no you don't have a camera look as all the phones have that now you don't have that hello is there

something i can help you with can i show i mean is this how it's supposed to go i mean is it is

Is this why it was kind of like on clearance because it's uneven a little bit maybe?

Or is this how it goes?

I have no idea.

But I'm showing you.

Well, that's nice, but I can't see it.

Do you have like a Snapchat or something I can send it to you?

Hello?

Don't ask for their Snapchat.

She wasn't very helpful after all.

There's other new ones that I don't even use.

I haven't used it.

Meerkat.

I'm about to drop another single right now.

Parasite.

It's their Facebook.

Parasite.

It's the game of chess.

I don't use that shit.

What's your Snapchat?

I'm going to have to take a break here pretty soon.

I got that hot honey here.

I am one lucky man.

Here's another TJ Maxx.

I don't know.

It's all I got, TJ Maxx.

We'll see if we can get a large salad to go, dude.

Chicken salad, man.

Chicken salad.

T.J. Maxx.

Asian chicken salad.

There you go.

Thank you for calling.

Shut up.

T.J. Maxx, this is Allison.

How may I assist you?

Hey, shut up.

Hello?

Yeah, shut up.

I was calling about this tie here that I got.

Okay.

What was your question?

I got this tie there.

Is this how it's supposed to go like this?

Is this how it goes?

Hello?

I'm not sure what you want me to answer.

the tie that i got this tie like i got it on is this how it goes because it doesn't look even you

know well then you're not tying the knot correctly no nothing wrong with the tie not the knot it's

just this part right here is this how it goes like this okay i'm gonna put you on hold okay okay

i'll tie her knot i'll tie with her i'll tie up with my knot like a dog okay like a dog though

like that guy i was selling dog puppies and i asked him and he said yeah well i've seen i've

I seen her fucker.

I seen him fucker.

We watched it.

She wants you to get a rope so she can get tied up.

She wants you to tie her up.

I remember Dwight saying, what the fuck?

They're just like all hanging out watching the dogs fuck.

Hi, this is Jesse.

How may I help you?

Yeah, is this how it's supposed to go?

What?

The tie that I got there.

My phone doesn't have a video screen anymore.

It's broken.

What is it?

Well, what I'm most concerned with is this part right here.

Oh, that part?

That part looks fine.

Is this how it goes?

Yeah, yeah, it looks good.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, I think it looks all right.

Okay, but you said the viewer wasn't working.

Right.

You said your viewer wasn't working.

Okay, bye.

Hey, now.

Thanks for...

No.

Bookman, are you there?

I think I can bring it up.

My beer screen's not broken now.

Yeah.

Oh, it looks great that way.

Fabulous.

Thanks for that fucking queer eye for the queer guy.

Yeah, motherfucker! Fuckin' queers!

Alright, let's see if this Quiznos here is still open and in business.

They say that they're open until 11. I thought all Quiznos were still open.

Do they still have that show, that Queer Guy for Queer Eye?

No.

That's still September 10th, man.

I knew they moved it to England for a while.

The last I heard of Nunu was on it and it got lost on the ratings.

Wow.

Your screen's broken. Hey.

What does it look like? It's talking to me like I was a child.

Fucking Quiznos ain't open and shit.

Alright, forget it.

And I'm looking around, seeing what's their call.

I called all these swap shops already.

On Friday I did a show, so they ain't gonna work.

Yeah, there are shops

walking towards us.

Wait, like you bring your

junk in and stuff?

Yeah, man, on the radio.

They put all the listings online for you

if you call in and say,

I want to sell a horse.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

For employment opportunities,

press 3.

Ready to speak.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxx.

I'm Stockdale.

This is Angie.

How can I help you?

Hey, shut up.

I was calling about this tie.

I'm sorry?

I was calling about this tie.

Okay.

Yeah.

Is this how it goes?

A tie?

Mm-hmm.

Is this how it goes?

I'm sorry.

I'm having trouble hearing you, sir.

The tie.

Is this how the tie goes?

The tie?

Mm-hmm.

Like a tie around your neck?

Yeah.

Is this how it goes?

Just like this?

Is this how I do it?

You know, I can't actually see you.

Yeah, I'm on the camera phone.

The video thing.

Yeah, we don't have that technology.

You don't have a viewer on your phone?

You don't have a viewer on the phone?

No.

Well, you have like a cell phone, right?

Like a smart phone for you?

Like you have an iPhone probably?

No, no, just a regular old landline.

You don't have a cell phone?

You're lying.

You're yourself, private.

Oh, no.

No, I don't.

You don't?

You have video phone, though, you don't?

No.

You don't have, you have Snapchat?

No.

What's your Snapchat?

I'll send it to you.

I don't actually have one.

Oh, come on.

What's your Facebooks?

I don't have one of those either.

What's your Twitter?

What's something?

I just, I just have a, I have a Yellow Pages book at home.

Do you have a MySpaces?

Mm-mm, no, not since 1997.

Oh, wow, that's hot.

That's hot.

All right.

Do you like, do you ever do body sushi, body art and body sushi stuff?

No, Matthew's calling.

My name is Eddie Cross.

I'm calling to offer you a date.

We'll have dinner, then we'll do scissoring.

You know what?

Actually, I'm going to have to decline.

Oh, come on.

Let's do some scissoring.

No, no.

Come on.

Definitely going to have to decline that.

Okay.

All right, honey baby.

You're missing out because my...

Forget it.

Just forget it.

Okay?

Okay.

Just forget it.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thank you, though.

Have a lovely evening.

Bye, honey baby.

Goodbye.

Bye, honey.

Bye.

All right.

Okay.

Bye.

Okay.

Na-na-na-na-boo-boo.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Stick your head in doo-doo.

Whatever.

I don't know what happened there with me.

They better bet.

What did you say? You got on a fish, sir?

Scissor.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hey, I'd like to put a scissor up your ass.

What was that?

I'm calling about these shirts.

Alright.

You said some skirts?

Shirts.

What do you mean skirts, motherfucker? Shirts.

Men's or women's?

Men's shirts.

All right, one moment.

If you want to get the inside scoop on new merchandise arrivals, store openings, and the latest trends and happenings at TJ Maxx,

well, you can find us on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and Tumblr for all that and more.

I'm going to put a scissor up your ass.

This is Jessica speaking. How can I help you?

I'm going to put a dick up your ass. I was calling about this shirt that I got.

Okay.

Is this how it goes? Like this?

What?

Is this part supposed to be like this here?

Come on.

Maybe she dropped the phone.

She was trying to chat.

I'm just being fucking retarded.

Oh, man.

Where is this supposed to go like this?

It's a gun.

It's supposed to go like this.

That's how I like the one girls when you're tired to knock.

Is this how it's supposed to go?

I don't understand why she hung up.

Yeah, can you ask?

It was an accident, then.

I'll put you back on hold.

She's a stupid fucking bitch.

Excuse me?

She's a bitch.

She hung up.

Well, you can watch your language, man.

She just made a mistake.

Hey, hey, hey, motherfucking shit, motherfucker, you.

Robbing niggas for levy by swiping them.

You can watch your language.

Thank you for calling TJ Maxxers.

This is Beatrice.

How can I help you?

Hello, this is a completely different person.

Okay.

Is this how the shirt is supposed to go?

Like this?

The shirt that I got from your place.

Okay.

I put it on, you know, and is this part here supposed to go like this?

I don't see you, so I wouldn't know how it's supposed to fit.

But look on the screen, because I'm showing, I turned on the camera.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

I turned on the camera. You can see it. Just look.

Okay.

On the screen. Do you see it?

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't help you with that.

Shit.

Yeah, if you can come on in the store, I can help you with that.

um yeah but that's like a lot of work right now yeah i'm sorry about that can you just tell me

can you just tell me if this part is supposed to go like this sure okay okay it does sure this is

how it goes you're sure sure all right nice okay do i look good oh great i look handsome you have

a good night do i look like a handsome boy can you help undress him please

I need a massage right here

And I point to my inner thigh

You know that trick

I need to get loosened up right here

Right in my loins

Okay

This here is supposed to be a

Handcrafted musical instrument

Place

Sounds nice

What kind of instrument?

Huh?

I don't know, man.

I want to find out.

So they got harps and shit, banjos, string instruments.

Harps a chord?

Yeah.

We can put a lot of work into the sequencing, too.

Finding big, deep performances by England's Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison,

Backpipes, Cajun drums, didgeridoos, dulcimers, harps, cantaloupes.

What are these?

Some of these are...

I know the didgeridoo is that wah-wah one from Survivor.

Hey, man, don't be like that.

Look at this shit.

Look, they got dulcimers, right, harps, cantellis, kinnors, codos, langspills, lyres, psalteries.

And this guy's got all kinds of trendy instruments.

Tongue drums?

What the hell's a tongue drum?

And tongue whistles.

Tongue drum?

I gotta look that shit up.

What's a psaltery?

It's a tongue drum like tongue in your mouth.

Yeah, tongue, man.

Salt Tree is an ancient green-stringed instrument, like a harp.

Okay.

You know what it looks like?

It looks like, you know, Mr. Spock in the original Star Trek had that instrument that looked like a harp, kind of, but it was flat.

Yeah, it's like a lyre.

It looks like a lyre.

Yeah, yeah, and they make lyres, too.

Wow, man.

Tongue drum.

I don't know that it goes on your tongue, but I'm looking at them.

i got a call coming in i'll be right back all right asshole

this guy here sells high quality tongue drums let's see what one sounds like

wow this thing was cool it's like this big metal thing and wherever you hit it

um it's almost like simon looks like simon almost the game with the buttons

and you hit it with your thumbs yeah hit it with your thumbs rbcp hey i have exciting news what

What happened?

I sent you numbers.

Yay, good.

And you're not calling them, so I'm pissed.

Oh, I didn't.

Just call my, goddammit.

Did you email?

They're in Skype.

Oh, Skype.

Okay, I'll get them now.

Thanks.

Thanks for.

Yay.

I don't see them.

Oh, they're customer numbers.

They're for a shoe place.

Yay, I found them.

Yay.

Private message.

Yeah.

I found them.

Okay, yay, yay.

All right, I really want you to call them.

Okay.

I haven't called any of them, so maybe they'll answer this time.

Okay.

It won't be like usual when I give you numbers and nobody picks up.

Okay, I got them now.

I'll copy them now, and I'm putting them in a notepad.

Yay!

All right, bye.

Bye, I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Whatever.

That's the original red box.

All right.

But I have them still on.

Milkman, I think...

Did you put my mute, buddy?

I'm going to try to call him back.

He said that's the best thing to do.

Dude, this tongue drum is the shit.

Listen to this.

Fuck yeah, it's relaxing.

It's way better than Wu-Tang Clan.

Hey, this tongue drum is quite the cool instrument.

Is there a tongue drum?

with your thumbs it's like a big metal like a big metal short small stool and you sit it in front of

you you play it like a bongo but with your thumbs and wherever you hit it it works like you know

the i was describing it as the game simon kind of you know it has different different quadrants

make a different sound but wherever you hit it it looks like it's really cool to learn to play

you that that looks fucking dope wow yeah i like i like to try that dick man yeah they they got

like i got a really good real time they got some with copper finishes and like chrome finishes and

stuff that's awesome i mean i'll put a i'll put a spit finish on that a little honey fever right

there you wouldn't believe man all right yeah yeah listen these are uh brand new numbers that

came in from rbcp and he sent oh yeah shiny spit finish baby these are uh customers of a payless

shoe store source payless shoe source i think is the correct payless payless sarah palin did

you hear her daughter got her daughter got pregnant again the chastity daughter the chastity

daughter right she's all about chastity and being chaste chaste remember like they were talking about

I don't know how they were like examples of American citizens, you know, fine, upstanding citizens.

Their daughter's been pregnant and still not married.

How many times?

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

I know.

Look, we got to do a call.

Here's one pair of shoes, size two, that are already ordered by a lady named Arena.

Arena.

I mean sand in Spanish.

My name's Sand.

Urena.

This is Urena.

Shit, man.

Motherfucker, motherfucker, man.

Shit.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this Urena?

Who's this?

This is Eddie.

I'm calling from Payless Shoe Source.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Yes?

This is Urena?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, I see that you ordered a pair of shoes, size 2, American Eagle boat shoes.

Yes.

When did you want to come pick them up, because they're here?

Oh, maybe tomorrow.

If you don't come before then, I'm going to break them.

If you don't come...

Oh, you're kidding?

No, I'm going to rip them up.

We have a big pair of scissors here that we use to break up return shoes.

And I'm going to rip them right in half.

So you have to make sure you're here, okay?

Okay. Are you going to be able to be here by the afternoon?

I will pick him up tomorrow.

What time, I say? What time?

Okay, great for being creepy and stupid.

We'll do a different one, better this time.

I'm going to rip them up.

Come on, if you don't come and pick them up.

I'll tell you that right now. They're fabulous, right?

They're fabulous.

Fabulous.

I'm going to try them on.

Okay, keep it going.

We're just saying.

Hi, this is...

Shit.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is that Laura?

this the wrong number?

Laura Robinson, you ordered a pair of shoes?

Payless shoes?

Oh, sorry.

I can't hear you.

Then why did you say wrong number?

I didn't hear anything that you said.

The minute I said, is this Laura, you're like...

And I'm just calling to let you know your stupid shoes are here.

Excuse me?

I'm just calling to let you know your stupid shoes are here.

You were ready to throw the phone at me.

Like, get off the phone and all this stuff.

Being real rude.

I didn't understand anything you were saying,

and I don't really think that that's a way to talk to a customer.

Asshole customer.

Your stupid fucking shoes are here.

Maybe they'll be here when you get here.

I'm going to probably take a shit in them now that you were an asshole to me.

What a bitch.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, what a bitch you are.

I'll make sure to talk to your manager.

Thank you.

I am the manager.

and steak and cheese sandwich

stay in the back bragging

fucking with a few niggas nieces

take it back when we went

ride four leases and stand on the sneakers

I got the shit locked I battle you

shit supported the big

the end couldn't tell me nothing

kept surviving the years we sold crack

daily crack mad bellies crack faces

and scum

I'm sorry please don't tell my manager

I'm sorry please

are you kidding me right now please no

please don't I'm sorry I was just joking

all right i was are you really kidding me right now no i was drinking and i was just joking around

here we closed already and i thought it'd be funny to make a call some of the people on the list i'm

so sorry please don't tell my manager please please i'll do anything i'll do anything i really

don't understand how you could do something like that that is really unprofessional you're right

and ridiculous customer service you're right i'm sorry i won't do it again especially to you i'm

I'm so sorry.

I'll do anything if you don't tell my, please, I can't lose my job, please.

Well, next time, think about that.

All right, I'll suck your dick.

I'll do anything.

Really?

Okay, now you're definitely, definitely.

I'm just kidding.

This is such a, I'm just trying to make funny.

You don't think that was funny?

Because you don't have a dick, right?

I shouldn't be talking about that at all.

Oh, shit, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm sorry.

That was a bad joke.

I have a good joke.

All right, what did, uh,

Uh, what did one muffin say to the other?

Why do you have access to my phone number, and why is it that you keep calling it?

Well, because you ordered the one pair of shoes size A, American Eagle, Todd Blue, Rios.

You're on the list here, you know, with your phone number, to call you when they're ready to be picked up.

Okay.

That was awesome.

hey i want to apologize for speaking to your wife like that okay all right and please don't

call back again we're gonna come pick up the shoes thank you for letting us know that they're in

you're not gonna tell my manager that i said those things please that's up to my wife come on

I'll suck your dick

If she doesn't

Come on

Dude

Please stop this

I will

Thank you

I'll suck it

We're all good

I'll suck it real good

I'll suck your dick man

Holy shit

Milkman

I hope you're listening to this

Because you're missing it

You love the gay things

The gay ones

all right the next one let's do it she got uh it doesn't say what she got

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system

just thinking about a drunk guy working a payless how does a man work a payless to begin with you

know but whatever beside the fact that he's drunk while he's working after hours calling people out

out of the ordering list.

Drunk dialing them

that their shit is in.

And he just offered

a customer's husband

to suck their dick.

Like, I'll suck your dick.

He's so wasted and jerked

that he wants to experiment.

What the fuck?

Like, he's so drunk

he's telling me

he wants to suck my dick.

One of those guys

that gets gay

around his friends.

Drunk.

Milkman's like that.

And Matt.

Matt's like that.

Hi, this is Kathy.

I'm unavailable.

Laugh track Matt.

Brad was telling me that.

When they met at Vegas for that one convention.

Defcon.

They were all into it like that.

Come on up.

They were showing each other.

Hey.

Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, what's up?

Hey, can you hear me?

Yeah, I'll suck your dick, why?

Can you hear me?

Yes!

Okay, now you can hear me.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Amy MacDonald?

Yes.

Oh, great, that's great.

I'm calling from Payless Shoe Machines.

Yes.

You made an order for one par?

One par?

Oh, one pair?

Yeah, we got your par

in our shoes.

But I don't really like your attitude

the way you're talking to me.

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

This is Eddie. I work at Payless.

I'm the nighttime manager.

We closed

early on Sunday, so I've been calling

customers back whose orders came in late today.

I've been drinking a little bit.

I'm sorry if I said something.

to offend you i'm sorry okay but why don't you come down now you know maybe you can model those

shoes for me you know i'll model how'd you get my number and uh well you signed up you made an

order you're in the computer system i looked up all the shoes orders that came in today i think

you have the wrong number no no you're but your shoe order came in you told me before it's your

order there's a there's a penalty if you don't come pick these up okay i sexually harassed her

her i laughed so that's there was a long pause because i laughed really really hard there i had

to get away from hello hi is that stephanie stephanie yes stephanie porker i have you down

here for uh order you i'm calling from payless you ordered one part you ordered one part yeah

seven and a half and black seven and a half and black that's right honey baby yeah we got them

her yeah yeah we got a truck that came in right before uh just a little bit after you come in and

now they're here um if you buy um tomorrow pick them up why don't you come you know i'll stay

open lay i've been drinking here maybe you come by model your feet for me you show them to me

i have i have some olive oil i have some olive oil oh yeah i'm a foot freak working at payless

Please leave your message for

Stephanie Parker

Stephanie Porker

Please leave your message for

Oh come on

I'm getting the fuck you button all the way

Here's the last one of these numbers

And then we're probably going to be

Getting ready to take a break

As we'll be coming up on just about an hour

Of show time since we launched

Two hours rather

Beatlemania is a reality.

Take five.

I just couldn't help it, and I just started

So I made a different sound

I made a hip-hop sound that was untouchable

Singing rap

Hi, and thank you for calling 954-376-

Try that again

I'll always be true

We love me

Dude

And I just put that

Rest in peace

Well dude

Rest in peace

all right she ain't answering maybe i'll try to do one more call here before we call it a break

who would answer let's see let's see yes i do what's up iron man the armor-clad superhero

of the free world may be here to die yes the life of america's most

Okay, guys, I've been talking and talking and talking.

It's probably your mute.

It enables him to live as Tony Stark, one of the nation's leading scientists.

Is it your mute?

Head of Tony Stark Industries.

I'm on the blue chain.

Okay.

All right, hey, let's call that TJ Maxx back that I was cursing at, remember?

See if I can find it where to go.

Now, I'm into iron doors, turn up the most whoopee

She out of law school, I hear it now

Great piece of hell, hey, you're like

I'm in a good time

Yeah, hi, is that Bridget?

I'm sorry?

Is the manager, what's her name, Bridget?

Manager?

Yeah, are you stupid?

Hold on one second

Okay

Can you hear me now?

Yes, Milkman, I hear you, yes

Okay

Fuck

I've been hearing all these great calls, dude

And you like been saying like

Shut up

Hello

Good afternoon, this is TJ Maxx

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling because you were supposed to come pick up a box or something here.

And who is this?

This is Eddie Cross.

My manager said I had to stay here until you guys got the box out of here.

Well, Eddie, do you have the keys to lock this door?

The what?

The keys to lock this door.

No, security does.

Okay, we'll pick those up tomorrow morning.

No, no, there's only one box left now.

Well, we'll pick the one box up tomorrow morning then.

I was planning on taking it if you didn't come get it tonight.

You know, I'm not going to go through this with you, so I'm sure your manager would not leave you in charge of the box and in the store

if we didn't pick it up and you would need to leave without locking the doors.

So we will be over in the morning to pick it up, and you have a great night.

Oh, it's like that? Okay.

It's like that, milkman.

Eddie!

Yep.

She's not happy.

Well, anyway, I'm going to be taking that break.

This break is designed to occupy about six minutes so that I can get up and pee and make a sandwich, eat the sandwich, come back, check messages and stuff.

Milkman, are you going to stay on?

I'm going to have some guests on now.

Did you want to stay on?

You guys have a good one, man.

I'm going to be working, man.

Working your little ass off.

All right, man.

Congratulations on the Supreme Court decision.

Yeah.

all right yeah and i gotta pick up that honey too dude she called me a little while ago

sounds good man all right is she really like are you gonna go over to her house and fuck her

shit or are you gonna do it on your taxi your taxi cab in the back you know what i don't know

yet i don't know yet no you think she's down or did she say i want to fuck or would she like

like he he he yeah she was like talking like yeah she's interested she wants a dicking she wants a

good meat yeah all right something about yeah man like putting you know like getting things

talking things over to mr microphone you know so hey all right we'll do that enjoy that all

right milkman i'll i'll catch i'll call you at the end of the show okay all right man

your box and a trap door at the bottom so when you die you open a trap door at the bottom check

the gps and you go straight down to the hell madhouse radio is back you are bigger than a

woman you are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a woman ever ever make

you who you are everybody carlito is back thank you for hanging in during the break those of you

you who did those of you who didn't fuck you then uh we'll continue on with more prank calls

i added a bunch of people who made it llama you're here yeah uh neon make it yeah

morgan you're here hello can you hear me yeah i do damn it yeah and mike the donna here damn it

president of kind of work yeah well thanks for joining and thanks for uh hooking me up earlier

let me turn the light on so i'm visible thanks for um helping out with that call early in the

show that was great long good times i can't wait to hear that again can't wait to end the show so

i can hear it all over okay um what numbers do i have where morgan you sent numbers you say

is that you or someone else morgan sent some numbers yeah i sent a few racist numbers thank

you i think that's how i got blocked morgan i was looking up more of those what you're talking

and then craigslist was like fuck you and they blocked my ip oh that sucks really i don't know

yeah just for looking stuff up they did yeah i swear to god i was just copying and pasting

numbers and looking up shit i didn't post anything or spam anybody or anything wow that's weird i

didn't know they were like that um okay uh reproduction confederate plow work sword

oh it's a reproduction of a confederate sword i thought it was about reproduction

Mind in the gutter, here we go

Hey, I hope you're great, it's Bonnie

Hello, did you say it's funny?

This is Bonnie

Oh, hey, I see that you have

Reproduction Confederate Nashville Plow Works

Yes, sir

Yeah, that's because this is how they did breeding

Pardon me?

This is how they did their breeding

It's a sword

Yeah, but it says it's the Reproduction Confederate Nashville Plow Works

So this is the reproduction

This is how they would reproduce

The Confederates reproduced in the wild

Yes, it is a reproduction

So it's not an original

Yeah, well of course

Because the Confederates are gone now

They're extinct

But this is how, when they were still around

This explains how they used to reproduce

How they used to have mating practices

They reproduced and everything

Well then what does it have to do with reproduction organs and all that?

It has nothing to do with reproduction organs.

So it's a Confederate sword. It's an original Confederate sword.

It was reproduced. It is not an original one.

So people had sex and this came out?

No, I don't think so.

How does that work? That is amazing.

I think you're doing the same thing that was already done before today.

What do you mean?

I think I received a call earlier about another sword.

And what happened?

They directed me to a website that was horrible.

And so I'm going to hang up now.

Goodbye.

Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.

She's selling Glory Hole to her already.

She took a trip to the Glory Hole, eh, Morgan?

I see what you guys think.

Yeah, I guess she might have.

Guess what, Carlito?

Hey, Brad, what's up?

I got more numbers.

I put them in the private message.

I had a lot of fun with those.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome.

I vote RV.

I vote RV MVP'd.

Yay!

Whatever that means.

Most valuable...

Most valuable pimp.

MVP's like a

sound compression standard.

It's really good.

Oh, nice.

That's what I've always wanted to be.

That's it right there being used.

You hear it?

Who's doing that?

Morgan, your computer sound is not very good.

Beep off, boop.

Neon.

Hey, Neon.

You missed.

I was here the whole time.

Oh, all right.

I said hi.

Let you guys do your thing.

I said hi.

You didn't say anything.

No, I was getting numbers.

She was being a jerk to me earlier.

I know.

For no reason at all.

I'm in LA.

Look, I'm in Hollywood, everyone.

I'm not there anymore.

I got turned out yesterday.

I'm back home.

What?

Holy shit.

Okay.

It was scary.

They were mean and weird

and there was not good vibes

in LA yesterday.

Did you get your inputs all filled up?

Leon saw way too much

that basically scared her.

That'll get scared.

Wow, man.

That was your Viet Nam.

Remember when we called that lady in your city

and we said we were beaming things at her house?

Microwaves or something?

That was a good time.

That's all I wanted to say.

Oh, hey, by the way,

I didn't know this until I just walked out

to take a break, but we got breaking news.

I don't know if you guys heard the breaking news.

They caught the other escaped prison guy.

Oh, they did?

He's been shot twice and is in

urgent care.

He's in a hospital under

serious condition, I think I heard.

Let's prank the hospital.

Hospitals never close.

We'll say we're the queen, remember?

Oh, dude, he got fucked up.

Prison escapee shot and in custody.

David Sweat in critical condition in

In Albany, New York.

Never heard of that place before.

Albany?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'm kidding.

Listen.

Let's get a nurse to transfer the call to his room, and then maybe she'll hang herself later.

Can we please listen to Governor Andrew Cuomo, son of the great Mario Cuomo?

Just a moment, please.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, fucking...

Fuck yeah.

I love listening to the governor.

Yeah.

The nightmare is finally over.

It took 22 days.

But we can now confirm, as of two days ago, as you know, Mr. Matt is deceased, and the other escapee, Mr. Sweat, is in custody.

He's in stable condition.

Matt Hillock's dead.

Let's give a big round of applause to the women of law enforcement.

Yeah, police.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

You hate them until you need them.

It has been a long, long time.

But as you've heard, and the superintendent will go into further detail, Mr. Sweat was spotted by a New York State police sergeant, Sergeant Jay Cook.

He was approached this afternoon.

The sergeant recognized Mr. Sweat, obviously from his description, encountered and engaged Mr. Sweat.

Mr. Sweat fled.

The trooper gave chase.

the trooper was unable to catch him on foot. At one point the sergeant decided to discharge his

weapon hitting Mr. Sweat twice in the torso. Mr. Sweat went down, help arrived and Mr. Sweat is

now in a hospital in stable condition. This happened a mile and a half from the Canadian

border in the town of Constable. I had the chance to speak with Sergeant Cook and congratulate him

him on his great police work he was alone when this happened uh sergeant cook happens to be from

troop b which is uh this area so he knew the area very well wow man single hero police officer

machine huh jay did you hear the interview that the um lady who had helped get them out of prison

did you hear the interview with her husband i heard it was really awkward yeah it was like the

guy's kind of you know kind of creepy anyway but i mean they asked because i guess what happened

and when she took a hacksaw and everything

and gave them all, you know,

everything they needed to get out.

And she wouldn't answer the question

as to whether or not she slept with the guys.

And I guess the ultimate,

the whole thing, the whole plot

was that she was going to get them out of jail.

She was going to help drive them back to her house

and they were going to kill her husband.

But then she didn't go through with it.

And they were asking the guy,

they were like, the husband,

they said, you know,

do you think your wife would have done that?

And he's like, I don't know.

I don't want to answer that question.

apparently well i mean she didn't in the end i guess the answer is no yeah i don't know they

don't know if he's going to testify against her though he said it's still up in the air you guys

want to you got anyone want to do a payless call brad you want to do one since you did a work

together you want to try one because oh sure whatever i don't care i could use a little

break you know for i already took yeah what a mental break yeah i heard that i know it was

really i haven't heard it or seen it but i heard it was really awkward when they asked

him some questions about her and she's all beat anyway yeah well he's the first i've heard about

any of this stuff so i'm bad at keeping up with current events oh they were yeah the olympics are

coming too brad there was a killer named brad carter in new york i can't wait and he was going

around strangling people with telephone cables apparently they probably deserved it yeah oh my

god they caught him though you heard it they caught him it was matt and brad they said mr matt

Those are the best villain names ever.

Please leave your message for Mr. Sweat.

Debbie.

We're on the trail of Mr. Sweat.

I'm going to give that lady a call back.

You never know.

Oh, so Payless has done a memo already.

The very first store I talked to, I talked to a girl named Chloe and then a girl named Ariel at the same store.

And they wouldn't give me numbers.

They were too smart for me.

Oh, no.

But they read me the memo.

Like, urgent.

I forget what.

I didn't record it or anything.

thing chloe and ariel outsmarted me though hello hi is this mrs ada debbie no you have the wrong

number oh debbie i'm sorry this is deb i'm calling from payla shoes oh okay uh-huh you ordered some

shoes remember right uh-huh yesterday okay yeah i'm looking at them on the computer we just i just

i was getting ready to order them i just wanted to make sure are you sure you want to get these

yeah there's like the little like uh wannabe birkenstock yeah yeah i mean it's like yeah

Yeah, yeah, they're 10 bucks or whatever.

Yeah, I want them.

What?

I do want them, yeah.

Okay, but are you sure?

Because they're really faggy looking.

I mean, these are the kind of shoes that a faggot would wear.

Whatever, dude.

Did you call me up to insult me or what?

Who are you anyway?

No, I'm not insulting you.

I'm just saying the shoe looks really faggy, and I don't want you to look...

I don't want you to look faggy.

All right, aloha.

Sorry, dude.

See ya.

Why?

Why are you...

Why are you hanging up?

What an asshole, she said.

What an asshole.

That sounded like Rita.

Yeah, it did.

I did.

I was wondering who it sounded like.

Tell her that she shouldn't get those shoes because we'll give her bunions or hammer toes.

We're calling her back, Brad.

Hey, you know what?

Don't call me.

I don't know where the fuck you got the number, and you think you can call me and talk to me.

I work here, ma'am.

I work here.

I don't give a shit.

You don't call somebody up and not make a sale and want to talk about saggy shoes for $10.

Oh, hey, don't be a homophobe, ma'am.

Don't use that word with me.

Whatever.

Aloha.

Fuck you.

It's okay.

Hey, I wish I knew your name, because I am going to go to Payless and tell them they got a faulty little system there, all right?

What are you talking about?

I work here.

I'm trying to talk you out of these faggy sandals.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

She said, aloha, bitch.

She aloha'd me.

And I mahaled her, though.

Take that, faggy bitch.

Should have called her a holler.

uh yeah does anyone want aida aida aida

yeah it's aida it's matt's girlfriend yeah it's aida it's pronounced aida remember

yeah hi is that aida aida aida uh okay oh huh hey i'm calling from payless shoe source

yeah you ordered some shoes oh okay open in it's a big shoe it's a big shoe what do you mean big

shoe it's a big shoe i guess you have a big foot no that's only seven i think it's like six and a

half uh this is like a size 20 oh thanks a lot yeah because you have big big feet they said that

you had swollen okay are you are you talking to an sb or you just or this is friend no no i'm being

serious why are you telling me size 20 then what why are you telling me size 20 because you're big

How do you know I'm big?

Are you sure you're from Pelas?

Yeah, I'm from Pelas, yeah.

I was here when you ordered them.

Okay then, it's okay, bye.

Yeah, I mean, who are you going to...

Oh damn.

What the fuck?

You just got told.

Hey, two out of two answered.

She told me that they have to pay extra shipping

because their shoes are too big.

Or that they're too heavy.

Yeah.

Can you guys hear me now?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Mr. Smorgan.

Hey.

Damn it.

This is Tina, if anyone wants Tina.

Touch and kiss her.

I'll wear a lot of shoes.

I'm playing GTA with XYZ.

I guess he's on the PC now.

I wanted to tell one of these chicks to make a pussy for me, but I didn't get that far yet.

Hello.

No one is available to take your call.

You wanted to ask them what?

Nothing.

We're going to call Pamela instead.

Yay.

She's my favorite.

I said foot pussy.

I wanted to make a foot pussy.

Oh.

I didn't hear it.

All I need is two feet and some lube.

By the way, the call I made was in honor of the new laws, you know,

passed about fags marrying each other or something.

Whatever.

We're LGBTQ here at PCN.

I don't know how you beat the camera.

The faggot laws of 2015.

congratulations you haven't changed your skype profile to be all rainbow though

brad uh that's i'm not a poser like facebook everyone knows i'm a goddamn faggot so

why do i need to you know i guess if you're one you can say it like that we're calling

tina back right i didn't know that i feel like you've been leading me on now brad you had to

fight that on your own didn't mean to be like that would it be to be like that i like toying

with emotions. And dicks.

Brad, did you see that flag that was in the

Gay Pride Parade yesterday and they thought it was an ISIS

flag? Yeah, the dildos.

That was awesome. Dildos?

An ISIS flag with dildos in it? Yes.

That's awesome.

Butt plugs and dildos.

And they pointed it out on CNN

and then they had to retract and say it was a flag

and dildos.

Someone tweeted CNN and said

this is the second best

flag news I've seen since they started talking

about the Confederate flag. Oh my god.

okay um let me change the caller id because we got another store you only got two numbers out

of these so that's all right you tried change i've been trying to find i've been trying to

find the number of the guy who um they refused to make him a confederate flag t-shirt i think

so instead he went to a different walmart and got an isis flag cake and he made him that so i'm

trying to find his number i was just thinking about i was seriously just thinking about that

because i put some confederate flag numbers out there the guy actually asked for a confederate

flag cake and he said it was going to be um a heritage cake not a hate cake yeah it said

heritage not hate right yeah they refused to make it so they made him the isis cake and now he's um

he's like look they're gonna you know they're gonna isolate all these southern people for the

confederate flag but we're okay you know putting out this isis garbage and he wants walmart to

you know

addresses questions

I think they should ban the Iranian flag

you should call them these a bunch of cakes tonight

Carlito

yeah

and no gay

no gays allowed cakes

ooh

stripes only motherfuckers

say you're going to a confederate flag wedding

oh my god

and you need a cake

this is another Payless number for Lommer

because he's still waiting

her name is lady's name chandy bush she's a size nine ask if she has a candy bush she's a big girl

miss bush hey this is craig i'm calling from the payless you had ordered some shoes from us

oh yeah hey all right well about those shoes you you've heard recently the law that they passed

um when we get the shipment in we are going to have to stitch a little bitty rainbow flag

on the back of the left one i just wanted to make sure you're going to be all right with that

Apparently our shoes, you know, weren't quite gay enough for the government.

So, new law, we have to stitch rainbows on all of them now.

Oh, I didn't know that, but fine, because I was going to show them on anyway when they get there, because they didn't have the right size.

Okay, yeah, no worries.

So we're going to stitch the flag on.

It's only an additional $15, so is that going to be all right?

No, no, no, I'm not paying any more for that.

Oh, we have to.

It's a law.

I mean...

Okay, just return the shoes, and here, return my money, too.

Oh, no, no, no, we can't do that.

We've already charged you for them, or we're going to charge your credit card for them.

You ordered them. It was a special order. You can't back out now.

Yeah, I can, if I want to.

No, you can't, ma'am. I'm afraid you can't.

That's racist, and it's sexist if you do that.

We're actually going to have to charge you a racist sexist fee, too, of $10.

Are you serious?

Ma'am, I'm a Christian. I don't have time to play games.

Do you think I like this?

I don't like stitching these little rainbow flags on all these little shoes.

It's a pain in the ass, but I do what I'm told, you know?

so it's only going to be an additional what's 15 plus 10 25 dollars nope not at all not paying it

well ma'am you have to pay it no i don't and i'm not what if i give you the right shoe for free

but then just charge you for the left shoe with the rainbow on it nope she hung up god damn she

said no she's a cool bear mean she sounded like she had big feet hey dwight i didn't know you

were here i'm sure i said hi earlier and everyone was talking to everybody said fuck you and all

that calling her back don't forget we're calling her back uh dwight's here i'm hanging up i'm sorry

what did you say mr bush i was just speaking with your wife about the rainbow flag that i have to

stitch on her shoe and she was refusing to pay for an order that she placed i'm sorry well first of

all my name is not mr bush all right well what the fuck's your name then my name is craig since you

got the attitude i'll be an attitude with you how about that craig no are you fucking kidding me do

you call people and fucking talk to them like that i just did i'm doing it right now bitch what

What are you going to do about it?

What the fuck am I going to do about it?

Bro, are you at the fucking store?

I'm not your bro, but yeah, I'm up here right now.

No, I didn't call you bro.

I'm stitching rainbows.

If your wife was not retarded, she would have already explained all this to you.

Or is that your mom?

Bro, you wait.

I don't know who the female was.

You wait.

You at the store right now?

Are you at the fucking store?

Okay, for the second goddamn time, yes.

I'm at the store right now, bro.

Okay, thank you.

That's all I ask you.

That's all I ask.

Are you going to come pay me a visit?

Uh-oh.

The store just closed, too.

store got afraid

I didn't say bro

I said bro

whoa

big difference

are you at the

fucking store

whoa whoa whoa

stop the clock

I couldn't believe

that you're stitching

rainbows on shoes

anyways

only some people do

you reach for my

cell phone

leave me a message

and I'll get back to you

she's not there anymore

they're on their way

to the store

does anyone want

we got one last one

for Matt and Neil

anyone want Matt and Neil

y'all fucking take him

yeah

Make it to the Diet Coke.

What kind of shoes you got?

It doesn't say.

Probably LA Gears.

I mean, what kind of man special order shoes?

I know.

Maybe he needed lifts.

Maybe he's a midget.

Like, maybe some J's.

You know, you'd be like, yo, look at the new Kanye Yeezy Jordans.

You have to special.

Hi, Matt.

This is Dwight and Colin from Payless Shoes.

You had a special order in with us.

Is that correct?

I started one, but I never completed it.

No, the order went through, sir.

And I'm calling to notify you that the shoes are here.

I'm sorry, you were cutting out.

Can you speak up?

Yeah, it was a custom shoe.

You need to step in a better area, sir.

You're breaking up.

I'll leave you up until...

We're open for another half hour.

Another half hour.

Okay, be there.

All right, come on down, and we'll have them up here at the counter for you.

Thank you.

Yep, no problem.

All right, bye.

Bye-bye.

That's even better.

We'll just fucking let him go on up there.

Maybe if you call him right back

He's going up to Payless

To pick up the shoes

Is it the same store that the Kanaka's going to

Probably

He's probably going to end up fighting him

I told him

Did I say his name was Matt?

Yeah

He said something about he started the order

But he didn't finish it

They only got his phone number

He realized how gay it is

To make an order for your guy

At the part where they ask for your name

Matt Neal

you know what I can't do that

the guy has two men's names in his name

Matt Neal

alright I'll stop talking about that

where are we at

do we have more numbers yet

I put in the number of the guy

who did that Walmart thing with the ISIS flag

oh ok

so I don't know what we want to say to him

but I say that we

tell him that he has to celebrate

the Supreme Court thing and stop worrying about

about walmart or something or we could tell him he's on a terrorist watch list now because he did

the isis flag i don't know i don't know ask him if he wants to go to war a cape war gay

tell him we're with the police and we're gonna send some uh government drones to come up that's

a great idea yeah oh my god you're breaking the rule brad oh sorry i forgot where'd you put the

number on more was it in a private message no it's in the group chat uh his first name is chuck

You just might have to scroll up a wee bit.

Daughter, chug.

Earlier when you were doing the Payless calls and I heard you kept saying two pair,

it kept reminding me of training day.

Fucking dead retarded.

Two pair!

Oh, yeah.

Two pair!

Take your fucking medicine.

I was looking it up.

I was going to make a little sound bite.

I'm like, yeah, that's too much work.

What would you think two pairs beats a full house?

Full house beats a two pair, you don't fuck.

We're sorry.

Well, it was an interesting party anyway because it started out with the two pair and then it turned into getting your shit pushed in and then you're laying in a fucking shower about to have your head blown off.

It did escalate pretty quick.

Morgan, I wonder if he like recently disconnected that.

That's what I was just thinking.

Probably had to.

Llama, you got a Dukes of Hazzard's Daisy's Jeep, the actual Jeep, or just model, a reproduction?

It's a model.

Well, who cares?

It doesn't have a Confederate flag on it.

still associated with the show right remember back in the day when they had primetime television

shows on they had confederate flag all over them yeah and then those were the days and there were

no black people on the show that's right every once in a while they had one on that show remember

one where it was the feature and there were no black people anymore it was called the jetsons

it was really fucking good it was like having the utopia they lived in a utopia society guess

Guess who wasn't around?

Oh, that's all I'm saying.

Was that a Barbera racist?

It's up to you.

Pretty sure.

Yeah.

Nah.

That's the next thing we need to get.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Flintstones had black guys, didn't they?

No.

I remember there was a black cop.

No.

Oh, really?

No, if you wanted to see black people in the future,

I'd want you to tune over to the WB and watch Homeboys in Outer Space on UPM.

Sorry, check out the first black kiss.

Even.

Black and white kids.

Oh, yeah.

60s.

They're so hot, too, man.

Uhura and Kirk are like, oh.

They're like, uhura's brain exploded.

It gave me a boner.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

No jeep.

Sorry, buddy.

We do have a new Confederate flags and more for sale out of Memphis.

This guy was named Paul.

We didn't get to this earlier.

This is on the same list that Morgan sent in with the reproduction.

production or i said it must have come out of the ass or something at least she hung on as long as

she did i'm not saying stupid shit like yeah two confederates fucked and made a sword they told me

things like that always hello yeah hi you got new confederate rebel flag flags and more are you

interested in uh purchasing yeah okay yeah yes i do have some are they two-ply so i can wipe my

ass with them uh i don't know what you're talking about we don't carry two-ply you don't have two

Two-ply flags?

Oh, damn.

All right, well, that's fine.

It just makes it a little not as comfortable.

But, yeah, I mean, how much for, like, a big flag or what kind of size flags do you have?

Well, actually, I've sold all the big flags.

All I have is the small ones left.

All right.

How big is this?

How small are the small ones?

Okay, tell you what.

Let me check because I'm not in that area right now.

Are they like the little ones you hold on a stick?

Yes.

Oh, that's the perfect size to wipe my ass with, you know?

Wipe my dog's ass with it after he shits outside.

Wipe my ass.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, he didn't get as mad as I was hoping he would.

When you learn, then you'll know not to make...

Let's start calling Texas and shit like that.

Texas flag, they take that seriously.

Vintage lockback knife in wooden box.

Says the South will rise again on it.

Yeah.

Who wants a knife?

Somebody.

Somebody who's not me.

Mike Tadani.

Okay.

Good luck.

No, not him.

Not him.

Anyone but him.

Just kidding.

You got that knife?

What you asking for it?

For it.

How much are you asking for it?

For what?

The knife.

No, that knife.

Oh, the air conditioner?

Sure.

Conditioner.

Yeah, I was wondering if I could get that in a kit, in a two-for-one deal for that knife.

You know, the South Pole Rise again?

Oh, no, that's not on there anymore.

Oh, did you sell it already?

No, it's gone.

I took it off.

Well, how much did you want for it?

I don't want to sell it.

Well shit

I took it off

It's gone

It's deleted

Why'd you post it on there

If you didn't want to sell it

What

Why did you post it on there

If you didn't want to sell it

Because I decided not to

I'm not going to sell it

Did you get it stuck

In the belly of a black guy

Damn it

I wanted him to hear that

I wanted him to ask

If he could slice cake with it

What

The air conditioner

What the hell

He was dead

Oh my god

It was still in the belly

Of the black guy

That was funny

Mike the Donnie

You're like

Do you have that

knife you have that life what i can't hear you there's like no hello or anything it was just

like yeah you got that knife that's good thank you so some prison talk you got you like my new

avatar carlito i don't see it what is it it's a yellow shirt no no yellow shirt what are you

talking about it's exactly the same it's a pcm but sure but it's yellow no no no it's really dark

Yeah, it's my new guy.

I went and got the PCN logo tattooed on his chest.

Oh, I can't tell because it's so dark.

I can't even see it.

It's so dark.

It looks like a yellow shirt.

You can't zoom in far enough on fucking Skype to make it look good.

Yeah, but the picture itself is really dark.

You got to take those pictures out like on the pier.

Well, it's always nighttime when I'm taking them.

It's not daytime.

I'll see you at the tips.

It doesn't count.

When I'm prowling for the prostitutes to kill them.

That's what your problem is right there.

How do we even know that's you?

That's my guy.

No, it's me.

That's not your guy.

um where are we at with numbers anyone or should i just start throwing darts again i threw

i threw a number in there of a guy that i really want to talk to a number hey llama you got the

number it will get to that i'm getting to that but while i get to that yeah yeah do what you do

is there anything else here neon i think i saw a number here from you right in louisiana was it

somewhere that's the um that's the walmart that the guy got the uh the isis cake ah okay okay

Did you call my name?

What'd you say?

Yeah, Llama, the Vietnamese from Friday.

The Vietnamese in Guam.

That shit was funny.

I shall find him.

That show's edited, by the way.

I meant to upload it before I went out to dinner tonight, and I forgot to.

For some reason, I just said, oh, I did it.

I edited it.

It's done.

I will post it tonight.

So there will be an update for everyone tomorrow morning.

It'll be a Friday show, which is really fun.

There is an awesome...

Oh, that prank is also isolated.

I was going to talk to Dwight

about helping me make a video for it

because I suck at it

but I wanted to post that

four-way Comcast call

that was me, Dwight, Neon, and Brad

that shit was great, man

the stand-up comedian

he never tweeted about us

he never said shit

because we got his ass

it's funny

I didn't edit anything out of that

I wanted to get all the people following him

if he came from us

We checked his Twitter and his Facebook

And there's nothing at all posted about it

We should link that video

On to his Twitter

Tag him in it

He's probably too busy out drinking now

Probably been on a bender thanks to Brad

You know what?

Did he not tweet still since that happened?

I don't believe so

I can look

He hadn't tweeted

For days before we called him

Let's see

Brad sent him on a bender

if he kills himself at least he'll be happy doing it

at least we'll be happy

at least he made us a lot of people laugh

it was his final act in life

before he killed himself with alcohol

it's going up better than all our men

that are dying for a census war

I think we should try and kill more people at prank calls

Yeah, kill him with the lulls.

Speaking of which, here's the Walmart in Slidell, Louisiana where the man got the ISIS cake.

Neon, you want to do one? You haven't done a prank yet.

No, you guys.

You did the work. Come on.

Can we do my 7-Eleven thing tonight?

Can we get a clerk to drop a match in the gas tank?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, I'm just hoping.

Dwight, how about we try to get them to do a test, a Diet Coke test? Come on.

It'll take forever at Walmart for them to get it.

This guy here, Brad,

was trying to get me to do it for a while.

Yeah, you know what you do? You tell them

to ball up aluminum foil and put it in the

gas tank. I'm like, no!

Why? Aluminum foil and

liquid plumber. He's like, that'd be so

cool. Let him match.

Yeah, he's telling me this shit. You don't even need a

match if you do that.

I don't want to do it, though.

It's an easier way to trick them into killing themselves

and everyone in the store.

done this before yeah it'll blow up like a robocop movie man are you kidding yes yes

i'll be car zooming up i could get jihad to go with the video cameras with the hidden camera

don't tell him what's gonna happen though lose his eyebrows and that way a show a slot will open

up on fridays and i can take it yeah awesome that's what you're gonna do

you know he's on vacation they're not gonna answer this one he's on vacation might as well

We'll just move in on him.

That's true.

If you want to bring him down.

You guys should battle for when he comes back to see who's the best.

Make him try out again.

Make him try out.

Make him try out for his own show.

We'll make Mike the Donnie judge.

Yeah.

Yes.

Art of full market with Mike the Donnie.

Well, I'll pay off Mike the Donnie, though, to, like, refuse him.

Yeah.

Mike the Donnie's like, Jaiad who?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Jaiad.

why's your neck so small

the way

like

your right shoulder

it's a video game

how the fuck

do you think I fucking

created it

like myself

what's wrong with you

why are you so retarded

he's getting neck day

it's stupid

like when you

try to just snapmatic

and it has the

the self portrait

option

you can't get

like a good

good fucking angle on it

it looks retarded

every time

you can buy a selfie stick

in the game

those are banned

at Disneyland

can you

they should be

fucking people are using

them on roller coasters

hitting people on the face

i'm kidding i just hit f12 it snaps the picture without the gta stuff but uh neon's right it was

disney world it was the people at disney world's fault not the disneylanders but hey we get the

we get the most ruined it we get the more we get more people than you guys do it's a fucking city

out there disney world is the size of a county actually just like a small county it's crazy

several cities babe hey blah blah blah come on numbers what's next in the skype chat morgan

had one right yeah all right we also got llamas vietnamese you want me to give you some more

payless yes dude if you can i'll give you random okay i'll be back in two hours all right see ya

we'll see him wow what did wow

I gotta copy-paste this entire conversation

and leaf through it, because it's too hard

to go through for now.

There we go.

So, what else is going on?

Anything we need to talk about? Dwight, you're not thinking about

taking a break, because we're already down

two hosts right now. Sloth is on

hiatus and doesn't seem like

he wants to come back. We gotta convince

vincent would come back we gotta tell him we miss him and we love him but we do of course but now

i'm uh every thursday i text him i said we're doing a show tonight or what and then he he's

like uh maybe then then nothing you need three nights dwight no no i don't yes you do you need

three nights come on you're mvp here is anyone doing an after show so we got new people i thought

mama was i'm not i was gonna but i was gonna ask you guys first to make sure yeah i yeah i was

I was thinking about it.

Morgan mentioned it last night.

I'm making a video.

I know.

I'm putting a video together right now of the call that Carlito did to get the guy to put a bunch of water in the condom.

And then put the hot dog in the condom.

And I told him to pull on his pants and wave it over his head, yelling he's an Aztec warrior.

Oh, my God.

When was that?

Tuesday.

Tuesday?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, we did a bunch of Mentos calls.

There was like 10 calls I had to pull out of that show, but there was a lot of Mentos madness.

Everyone started cracking up yesterday when after the Dwight intro, I played the Mentos theme song.

Everyone was fucking losing their shit.

Hey, here's Llama's favorite Vietnamese restaurant.

Let's see what they pick up on a Sunday.

Or it's Monday over there.

They're going to touch Llama's dick.

Do you want to cook a llama?

I want to cook his dick.

I'm a chicken, right?

Isn't that what she told me?

America, number one.

Yeah, number one American calling back. You remembered we want some food motherfucker. You motherfucker. That's me

Sure

Elaborate on that. I don't know what that means. Where did they beat us at?

Vietnam

Yeah, they won hey that's fucked up no they didn't win the war we killed yeah, they did

We killed them we got into a stalemate because if we would have gone all out we could

they answered number one america they changed they changed what warfare was for that day the

problem was you know what i'm watching and it's awesome i highly recommend this dude the last

episode i saw was so awesome vietnam and hd i saw two episodes yesterday it's only seven i think

seven episodes long it's a history really well-made history documentary series um they do

two years at a time the tet offensive the second episode is really good the tet offensive one

was so fucking well made

it was so fucking awesome

they talk about the fall of Hue

and fucking Khe Sanh

and the battle at the airbase

the American Air Base was under siege

for weeks

there were people

plane jets were taken off

from the airbase under fire

to run missions at other parts of the country

and landing under heavy rocket fire

it was really fucking cool

that whole fight

they had to drop

They had to drop supplies out of, like, big planes.

They couldn't stop the planes because of the motor fire,

so they would just get down as low as they could and as still as they could

and throw the shit off, parachute it off onto the tarmac.

Anyway, if you like documentaries and history, Vietnam in HD is on Netflix.

And I highly recommend it.

That's my Netflix pick.

I always have, like, one every week, a Netflix pick of the week.

I don't watch Netflix enough.

I need to watch it more.

I'll get my Netflix in.

tell you what and you know what maybe i've been not wanting to talk about this but netflix hasn't

charged me for over a year now they have they have they have an old expired uh debit card in

their system but they never shut it off they never charged me they never shut it off and i was on a

month to month they don't i don't even think they have annual plans and shit they just do month to

month i think speaking of netflix i finally watched compliance the other day that was pretty good

What's that?

It's about the McDonald's prank call.

Doesn't that guy on the phone sound like

Arby's?

Nobody sounds like Arby.

Liar.

That's all I heard when I watched it.

I was like, that's fucking Arby on the phone.

It's about the guy that did the prank calls

at McDonald's.

Oh, I didn't hear about that.

Wendy's, you mean?

He made her do a strip search.

He did over like 50 calls and shit.

and made the lady

they strip-searched

the employee at McDonald's

right

and then

like legit

like close off

fingers in her hoo-ha

looking for shit

that's compliance

that was Wendy's

I didn't know there was

a movie about that

that's cool

I didn't know there was

a movie

made the dude like

sexually assault the fuck

out of her

those are the ones

they standed up

suing McDonald's right

Wendy's

yeah

the girl

she got a bunch of money

for that

are you sure it wasn't

Wendy's

this is driving me nuts now

no it's McDonald's

no it was McDonald's

oh man

okay

hey I posted another

pay list in the

in our chat here.

Excellent.

Thank you.

I only got one.

She got really suspicious,

so she might be calling her right now.

Okay.

It sounded like R.B., though, Dwight.

I agree.

Nuh-uh.

I'm here already.

Love me, I promise.

No, he doesn't do stuff like that.

He never does.

No, I never said he did.

I'm just saying it sounded like him.

It's probably someone trying to be R.B.,

like, act like him,

because he's a fan.

I bet you that's what it is.

Yeah, that must be it.

The guy ended up beating the charges, though, I think, if I'm not mistaken, right?

Because he beat his dick.

That's a hot story, though.

No, it's not.

Or people at McDonald's got arrested, though.

Well, they should.

That's a whole psychology thing, really.

But look at all the examples Brad has given us for years now about just being able to say,

Hey, I'm from the corporate office.

Let me get these numbers.

Look at the mental shit we've been doing.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Gosh.

um even at my work we had to we have to take a yearly thing and it says do not give numbers to

people claiming they're from the corporate office where do you work what place what's

oh yeah this happened once already okay this again oh comcast we had to take a whole social

engineering fucking thing it is like you had to do training on the computers probably at least

once a month they had some new update and shit and it was like all right all right well phones

aren't busy so i'm gonna take a break and do the training it didn't work too good because i got

tons of numbers from com hey awkwardly enough when i uh when i remember my internet was out

a few weeks ago or whatever when i called they asked me like why i needed it and i actually

did tell them that i was getting on prank call nation.com probably shouldn't have done that

they shouldn't ask you why you have to get on the internet i know he was a fucking idiot

because i need to look up your complainers on twitter and call them back and say i'm

you and tell them that they're fucking assholes should have said that because you wouldn't be

lying because we do that a lot we did that friday i give myself a haircut i always i always scared

give myself haircut but i see it it's uh hello tiny chat hello anyway i did it i just did one

guard and said fuck it man can't be that hard and then i had uh actually i was concerned i

i wasn't able to get the back lined up right i just put my hand there and just sawed whatever

off whatever was under it and when the wife took a look she's like oh yeah you got it perfect

and she did like one little minor adjustment and it was fine i'm like fuck yeah have you ever

shaved your head carlita i did bick at once in high school made my mom cry when it happened

she's so upset yeah now she's dead and now she's dead yeah thanks oh my god sorry you always say

Stacy's dead?

You're right.

That must be the ghost that's always behind you on that mattress.

That's great, yeah.

On the anniversary of her death.

Thanks, everyone, for ringing up.

Oh, Jesus.

No, it's not.

It was Mother's Day.

Did you get a phone up your butt?

What's wrong with you?

I let a candle burn earlier.

I let a candle burn me.

I need the help.

Let's hope this ankle stays fused like it's supposed to.

Okay, what's next?

Number-wise.

What am I missing?

Anything?

I sent you Craigslist in a private chat.

If you don't want to use them, don't worry about it.

That's fine.

Let me look at IRC because I keep missing IRC numbers.

People send in IRC.

Now, they could always be the feds and shit, but I trust a lot of these people.

I sent some to your private message.

To the feds?

Thanks, man.

He says for you to call the UK because of a heat wave or something.

Oh, they're having a tropical heat wave?

Yeah, he says you do it every year.

Oh.

And he says, tell Carlos there's UK heat wave on Wednesday,

stay and you should warn people about it make sure they just wear underwear and no clothes to

stay cool like he did last time years ago yeah years ago i told the guy not to go outside he

was gonna fall he was gonna tell you'll fall over and i'll be able to get back up like a big turtle

like a big turtle or something he's like i'm not gonna fall over i'm not gonna burn up

yeah actually no this the one week i'm actually looking looking out for my people's

in the irc for the numbers i never do for them and no one's symphony i guess they figured it out

Alright, well don't send me any now, please.

BRB, guys.

Okay, I'll get your numbers, Neal.

I'm sorry, Carlito, I'm a jerk.

For what? No, dude, I'm serious, I was kidding.

It's not the anniversary of my mom's death, and really, it's okay, I know you were kidding.

Okay, well, is that everyone else is, like, acting like that was horrible?

No.

Not you, because you're awesome, and you don't give a shit.

No, everything's okay.

I'm gonna, like, kid around about my parents dying all the time when they die.

I wish they'd hurry up.

No, Brad's my friend, it's not like that.

go way back to the bro building almost almost back then um okay so we got la let me change my

caller id for this but we've got los angeles craigslisters the number well the next the first

one rather is our paper trays paper trays hey carlito um you've got like an hour and a half

left right yes sir okay all right i got an idea i'm gonna try something so i'm gonna hang up and

i'll be back okay i'll be here thank you it's gonna be great for the show i promise yeah but

but probably probably not all right bye we'll try we'll try okay well brad's gone that's uh

dwight's a senior pranker here on the command chair now next to me i'm looking for the place

on my computer where i changed my caller id i can do this you know i'm kind of intimidated guys

because i've committed to doing a 12-hour show on my own uh for the anniversary and milkman's like

dude you know that's in two weeks are you gonna be ready because i still gotta track down um i

I started trying to track down Mr. Reclude, but haven't been completely successful.

I've got some pretty good leads.

Crazy Fucker is the other guy that may not be able to find him.

Everything that I've tried to look up for Crazy Fucker's not led anywhere.

They've all been dead ends.

Leads to him being in prison?

He actually may be locked up.

Even still, maybe find a way.

I'll get a toll-free number just for him to call from prison or something.

I'd straight up do it for a day.

Get someone in the area to fucking throw a cell phone

over the fence.

Yeah, man.

There was somebody around here

who did that in a prison.

They had a football. They filled with

fucking drugs like cocaine and pills

and two or three cell phones.

And the fucker went to throw it over the fence

and he couldn't fucking do nothing.

He landed between the two fences.

Oh my god.

And then they went and picked his ass up and threw him in jail.

Dumbass.

Oh, I cracked up as I was watching the news.

I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

You're showing the flat football that they deflated, put all the shit in.

Stupid.

You can't get all nervous and throw it wrong.

Well, you can't throw a flat football either.

Yeah, when your football's full of drugs and fucking drugs, pills, and several cell phones.

Yeah, it's probably not going to go very far.

Shit.

All right.

Prison, how's Jaya doing in jail?

he all right uh he's supposed to put me on his call list and he didn't i guess because i tried

to call him and said that i'm not on his list so did we send him commissary puddings uh i think

that was worked out yeah he got some paypal money from several different sources uh all right someone

has nine plastic paper trays plastic paper trays that's what it's normally that makes no sense but

but okay. Oh, it's those trays you can put

paper in, like, in boxes.

Well, they're fucking

throw them out. Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

Four. Okay, four.

Toilets for sale. Toilets.

Let me look at that, see if they're new or not.

Okay, it's just a toilet, and it

says toilets.

Okay, no, there's several toilets.

They took a picture of

all the toilets are hanging out like they're friends

outside of a building.

That's cool. Alright, nice. Nice toilet

Toilet family. Yeah, you got the toilets? You got the toilet?

I live in L.A.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it had to be a customer of the company?

Yeah, you have to either pay the water bill.

But it has to be under the footprint of DWP, I'm saying.

Yeah, well...

Are these toilets...

To get it 100% free...

Shut up.

To get it 100% free...

Shut up. Are these toilets for the poor? Is that what it is, kind of?

You can live...

You can live in the hills if you want to pay a copay.

You have to pay for the copay.

Oh, man, really?

And then how much is it a month for the toilet?

It's not monthly.

You just pay a $50 copay, and you get the toilet installation, and we take the old toilet for free.

Oh, wow.

You do?

A free installation?

Yeah, it's for a free installation.

That's what I said.

$50 copay is nothing.

Can't even buy a toilet for $50.

Yeah.

Not even if you buy it from China.

It's a good toilet, too?

Like, you take a shit in the toilet like normal?

You sit down?

Yeah, you could do whatever you want in a toilet.

you want to take a shit you want to pee you want to whatever you want to do in the toilet how does

i mean what's the difference with these though like how does it work do i just i sit down on it

and i pull down my pants first right and then i sit down and my underwear and i say you want

like i said and then i push the feces out of my ass my anus my colon the feces yeah you do

whatever you want like i said it goes in the water right for the smell so it doesn't smell too bad

and hold it yeah it goes in the water yeah and then it goes down the waistline yeah yeah so then

you flush it and it goes the waistline takes it to the like the sewer right and then it gets mixed

with all the water and it goes and it takes it to the ocean yeah no the treatment plant i think right

isn't that those are good the treatment plant well yeah look if you don't live in dwp you pay a

copay at the 50 for toilet baby ready give me a call i have a water bill and a check evolution

revolution energy and be good to go yeah and mexicans are really good at this right i'm not

mexican so yeah but it doesn't really matter mexicans are really good at putting up the

toilet and uh making it work making it go yeah well i don't think you make the money i make a

year bro so i wouldn't be talking i do actually i'm a lawyer yeah really you don't sound like

lawyer i'm an entertainment uh lawyer oh that's nice yeah i got you there my name when you start

making 150k a year you give me a call right have a nice day danny dubenstein okay oh dang

that was the toilets

that's a good deal hey neon if you need a toilet 50 copay and they'll come they'll install it and

take your old one that's nice just to get a new toilet just be like fuck it you know what you

know you could if you don't feel like uh wash cleaning your toilet one day you can just say

hey 50 bucks i want those nice ones that that like it has the bidet and then it has the water

that will simulate like a water enema up your ass because you can put that up your pussy right

yeah um child's magic set whoa i'm having serious deja vu right now child's magic set let's see what

kind of magic set this is for i call it hanky panky professional magic okay i'm sure that's

for children but okay whatever hang on i'll share this with you what did you see that one

sorry i didn't hear it either hanky panky child's hanky panky is what you said oh it's a it's a

magic set yeah but the brand is hanky panky professional magic is the name of the item

magic i can't i can't read it's boring magic x-ray

box

silk

something

silk magic

thumb magic

money

ball rumble

ball routine

oh poutine

ball stand

Indian rice bowls

what the hell

Indian rice bowls

hanky panky is the manufacturer

or something

and the hands look

inviting

I think this is from

Spencer's

and I think Hanky Panky is the same company

that makes the dildos and stuff that they sell there

but they also make the games

I typed an extra one

here we go

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

I'll try again

Man, today was actually kind of cool outside

Windy

Over here

I bought an air conditioner this week.

That's pretty exciting.

Yay!

Congratulations.

For the attic, did you? Really?

Yeah.

I used to have one up here. It wasn't as powerful

and it was kind of old and shitty.

This one, new one's a little bit better.

Oh, cool.

So is it the window kind or the kind Dwight was telling me about that rolls on the floor?

Nah, it's a window, window, window unit.

You should have let me know, man.

I had one just sitting here.

I could have just shipped it off to you, gave it to you for free.

For free?

It'd be like $100 a ship or something.

What do you think?

Yeah, it's too heavy.

All right, never mind.

Yeah, dude.

Dummy.

Aw.

I mean, thank you for the offer.

I know, right?

Hey, Carlito.

Fuck you and your...

Well, thank you.

Yeah, what's up, Mike?

They have an ad on here for free paper grocery bags.

Wow, they come free?

Okay.

Yeah.

Someone's trying to recycle them?

Yeah, it's post-edited here.

That's fine.

Before that, we're going to do a child's golf club.

Anyone want to buy a child's golf club?

And it's the same person selling the child's globe.

Is it a euphemism?

It looks like a regular golf club.

I'd like your child's golf club, if you know what I mean, Wink-Wink.

Oh, damn it.

Unblock me.

I can get on Craigslist again.

That's probably your security settings, Llama.

No.

You blocked yourself.

You're probably like Milkman.

I don't know.

It ain't working.

I'm Milkman.

I don't get it.

Can you hear me?

I hear you.

I'm waiting.

You ain't calling.

All right, that didn't pick up.

Poor Milkman.

bad don't make fun of him he had me fucking cracking up earlier man oh my god he's something

i am sick i love him like a brother but she's hard it's hard sometimes um carlito if you want

him i got three more uh shoe numbers yes i i couldn't get the other thing i wanted to get

for you so is this still a secret can you tell us what it was well i was gonna get katie k's new

phone number if i've been meaning to do that all week and i forgot and that like the phone company

they're already closed because i need that because i need to talk to him about coming

off of our anniversary show yeah i really i want to know what happened to him he just kind of

disappeared he's been gone for like a year or two you're not the only one asking i've had a lot of

uh done a lot but a few people asking i'll try and do that tomorrow yeah now he's gonna change

it just because of you you know he's listening right now probably it's pride week i can't take

right now yeah we got to get his uh opinion on the whole flag thing and i'm sure he's in

your marriage yeah i'm sure he's super excited we can be like hey katie k are you excited oh

wait no you don't have anyone oh we've been thinking about him for a long time

why don't you guys just before we go we just like to thank you guys especially you gotta go

hang out with him while you're in pennsylvania you know like you're really close aren't you

Then he was telling me that.

You're like right there, Nunez.

I'm not just right there.

You're like, what, 30 minutes away?

You're a mere eight hours or so.

Yeah.

But it's better than the 24 hours it used to be, right?

Well, 22 maybe.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Swing and a miss again.

All circuits are busy now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I forgot the one.

I'm sorry.

Do they sell Sobe juices, Sobe drinks anymore?

I haven't seen those in the Coons age.

Yeah, they do.

do you know what sobi means south beach there you go not everybody knows that

oh is that where i said okay i didn't know if it's south beach

if south beach is in california not the south did you see lebron opted out of his uh

his next year there carlito i heard he wouldn't discuss it did he did he opt out that's what

But on the Yahoo Sports, it said reports he's opting out.

But they said he might resign.

He might fucking go elsewhere.

They don't know.

He's not going to leave because he...

You can tell by when he broke his silence this week, finally, on Twitter.

He was very positive about his team and his city, kind of, the way he was talking.

But Kevin Love, he's getting the fuck out of there.

Yeah, Kevin Love's already out, pretty much.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

All right, here's Catherine at Payless Customer.

Let's see if she will pick up.

Does anyone want a Payless customer?

Anyone?

Sure, I'll take it.

All right.

I was asking about GigaWattMan in TinyChat.

Yeah?

Because he has a band-aid that doesn't match his skin.

I don't sell those.

Hey, this is Kathy.

Sorry I missed your call.

Leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Bye-bye.

God, my numbers suck.

It's okay, man.

I hope you're okay, GigaWattMan.

Tyron, Catherine again.

Kathy.

If not, then we have Jerry.

Apparently a guy.

Geraldine.

Could be.

J-E-R-R-I, right?

Yeah.

You can't make assumptions in this day and age.

We're so accepting of gays.

Could be a big, Jew-nosy Jerry with an eye.

Hey, this is Kathy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you have to assume good intentions.

Yeah.

Hi, is this Jerry?

Hello?

Hi.

Is this Jerry?

Hi.

Yes, it is.

Hi, Jerry.

My name is Mina, and I'm calling from the shoe place.

Kayla?

Yeah, you had a shoe order with us?

Oh, I had a bag.

Well, I ordered a bag.

You ordered a bag?

Yeah.

Okay, we had an employee here that confused all of the orders, so I thought you had shoes.

So can you tell me a little bit more about this bag so I can make sure that we can find it?

Oh, it's the bag with the pineapple on it.

It has a pineapple.

It's a beach bag with the pineapple on it.

Oh, okay. So is that something that you ordered in the store or did you order it online?

In the store.

Okay, let's see.

Does it have any other Hawaiian themes on it?

Well, it's just a pineapple, and I believe it's like a blue and a white striped background.

Oh.

In the store, there's like a pineapple, not a pineapple one, there's a flamingo one.

It looks like that one.

Oh, so you were going more Hawaii and less South Beach?

Yeah.

Okay.

More Hawaii.

Okay.

How come you didn't order the rainbow pineapple bag?

I've never seen that one before.

The one that I wanted, I've seen before, and they said that they'd be able to order it for me.

Well, I know there was a shortage on those particular bags, but we do have the rainbow pineapple bag.

Would you like that one instead?

You won't be able to owe the shortage, I guess, for the shipment?

Yeah, otherwise we have to pay in multiple quantities, and because nobody orders that bag,

because the bag that you ordered is really ugly we have the rainbow pineapple bags um okay okay

so you want that one um did you want the confederate flag pineapple bag oh no thank you

okay good that's a that's a good one okay um did you want um the united states flag

american pineapple bag is it like the background yes um i think the rainbow one would be

be the best at least for me okay so the rainbow one okay because i have one more bag here

and uh let's see yeah i have your bag it's your mother my mother mm-hmm she's the other one that

ordered the bag too um no we only had one order oh okay see i'm telling i'm i'm going down this

list and it's all messed up so okay so your mom didn't order a bag um let's see what else

Yeah.

Okay.

So that's all you ordered was the bag then, right?

Yep.

So you got bagged on then, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So you have your bag then.

Did they give you a time of like an estimated time that you would get the bag?

They said it's like six days or so.

Okay.

How many days ago was that?

I made the purchase on Friday.

On Friday.

So how many days away?

It's supposed to come in on Thursday or so.

Okay.

Okay. So, if it's on Hawaiian time, would it come in in three weeks?

I'm not too sure. I'm supposed to get, like, a phone call from you guys.

Okay. Well, this is your phone call. It's not going to come in.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll put you down then for the rainbow pineapple bag.

Okay.

And then, yeah, we'll let you know when it comes in.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay.

If the shipment is again delayed, then we're actually going to just charge you for it.

You're going to?

We're going to charge you extra for the shipping.

I'm not sure if they went over that with you.

No, they said that, I mean, if I ship to the store, but nothing about, like, if I have to, I guess, pay, like you said, the delay.

They didn't say anything about that.

Yeah, because it's hard for us.

If we get orders for really ugly bags that we don't carry in the store,

then we have to charge the employees extra.

I'm not sure if they told you about that.

No, they didn't tell me about that.

Okay.

Do you still want to go through with the order?

Do you think, will I get a refund, though?

No, it's a $10 intolerance fee.

Mostly because you're ordering the rainbow bag.

Tolerance fee, you mean?

Mm-hmm.

Because I already paid for it in the store.

Yeah.

So I would be charging an extra $10.

Okay, well, you know what? I'll tell you what. We'll give you a discount. Since you're transgender, we'll go ahead and give you a discount. How does that sound?

I'm not transgender. That has nothing to do with my purses.

Oh, well, I thought that's why you wanted the rainbow bag.

Well, I like all the colors.

Oh, you mean there's no, like, agenda for why you bought the bag?

No, I am not transgender. That is not why I'm buying the rainbow bag. I just like that it has all the colors.

Oh, okay.

So you've seen the rainbow bag then?

I haven't seen it, but I mean, I'm just shocked that you asked if, I mean, if you assumed

that I was transgendered.

Oh, you shouldn't be shocked.

You might get that even after this phone call.

Oh.

Yeah.

You kind of sound like in between.

So, you know, I just, are you a transformer?

No, I'm not.

And it's none of your business.

I'm sorry.

Oh, well, then I'll just go ahead and cancel your order then.

Will I get a refund for the presents that I made?

No.

We're just going to keep your money.

We're going to give it to a charity.

Which charity?

The Confederate Brothers.

Glory Hole Foundation.

And Glory Hole Foundation.

What is your name again?

My name is Mina Tompkinson-Harker.

Mina Thompson-Parker.

Yeah.

Are you the manager at Payless?

I sure am.

In Waipahu?

Mm-hmm.

So I won't be able to get my bag, I mean my purchase back.

Nope, because I just don't feel like it.

Excuse me?

Yeah, why didn't you go to Payless? Why didn't you go to Goodwill or something?

You have really bad taste. You should just, you know, shop somewhere else or like TJ Maxx or something.

And your name is?

Okay, like the third time. It's Mina.

You're a very rude manager.

You know, I think Payless is too expensive for you. Maybe you should go to like...

Excuse me?

I don't know, like a thrift shop or something?

thing you can't even you don't even know what my name is can you say my name Nina Thompson Parker

there you go very good okay well what else do you want because I'm telling you you're not going to

get a refund you're not going to get your bag so what part of this call do you actually believe

I just think you're ignorant and I feel like you should not work anymore I feel about almost 50%

of what she said every time I step out of the house so what is that going to do come on let's

let's get this order together so you you wanted the rainbow pineapple bag because you like all of

the colors what if the colors don't like you oh damn she finally went damn sorry that was too long

yeah no that's fine mom pranks are good too they can be i was all right i like them all

um i'm gonna try that number again because uh that morgan sent for the one dude oh okay i think

i might have dialed it wrong because i like that the charity was the confederate people or whatever

i like how she wanted to buy something she'd never seen before

yeah she just presumed oh it has a pineapple was she wanted the pineapple one or she saw the

pineapple yeah she wanted the she got the one there's just a bag that had a pineapple on it

and i said well you know we don't have any more of those because they're too ugly so we're going

to order you the pineapple bag with the rainbow she's like i'll take it this is your number

morgan it's working i must have dialed it wrong last time oh morgan's not in here yeah she's not

in here anymore what is this what's it about i forgot now it's the it's the guy that ordered

of the cake. Your call

has been forwarded to an automated voice

messaging system. Warren.

It sounds like a dick.

Warren. He does sound like a dick.

Warren, that's not his name.

No? I think it might be a different

number she had asked if I had gotten to yet.

Is she having, she's having computer problems?

Oh, there she is. Ask her now.

Uh, I'm trying to call

that number for you, Morgan.

Yeah.

Bitch, ass niggas can't fit the thumb to smoke the weed

in the skull.

hello hello hey is that warren yeah oh hey how you doing is morgan here morgan no hey i think

this is a gentleman you're selling the thing on the craigslist now is this are you selling the

thing on the craigslist or not you don't worry about who i am only what thing i saw i saw a lot

you're selling the rebel the rebel flag right something with the rebel flag the reason i'm

I'm calling from Craigslist from the corporate office.

You're going to have to take that down, sir.

That's been banned from use on our website.

You're going to have to take that ad down.

Yeah, I had four people calling me from Craigslist, and then they told me at the end, they told me they were from the KKK.

Oh, good grief.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

I can't help the prank callers, but this is a serious call.

This is not a wind-up call.

I promise.

I got my word.

If I were there, I'd shake your hand.

I could put my supervisor on the line if you'd like to speak with her or him, whichever one picks up.

Yeah, no.

know so you don't want to speak with my supervisor you're just going to take it down then is it

because they're black because you don't like black supervisors yes sir this is the manager

i don't need to get into the race that's what the last person

no sir sir yeah you spoke with my co-worker i was the one that remember he said the manager

was going to call you later oh sorry guys was that the gentleman that was on the side of the

the road, Morgan, this morning with Macron for like

an hour and a half.

He's like the funniest

guy ever.

He talked to Macron for a good

45 minutes and he kept saying

I've got to get off the phone so I can

drive back home and Macron just

kept fucking talking to him.

Did Macron make him

drive out there or something?

Macron kept telling him that

basically everything that guy would say, he would

twist it around as if he was saying that

he was racist and wanted to kill black

Black people, when he really said he wanted to kill the KKK, and he's like, you keep saying

you want to kill black people.

Then they would stretch off on the other stuff, like at one point, Macron was teaching him

how to make a three-point turn, and it was just like, I mean, seriously, it was like,

Yeah, the guys were really dumb.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, sometimes pranks get like that, you end up teaching a guy a three-point turn.

I have a bunch of, do you need numbers still?

Yeah, I could use them, yeah.

Okay, what do you want?

Do you want Confederate flags or do you want Alaskans?

Ooh, Alaskans, because it's early there still.

Yes.

I just realized the other day that they're, yeah, they're an hour ahead of Pacific 10.

Yeah.

Did you call my Confederate flags, Carlitos?

I did.

I went through that list.

You gave me a short list, and I did.

And I still got Mike's numbers.

Mikey's here.

And Dwight's numbers.

Oh, I didn't know you sent me numbers, Dwight.

Holy shit.

I got numbers everywhere.

You might want to hold off on that.

don't get numbers i don't want to make you get numbers i already put them in it's not a big deal

i already have them collected okay cool but don't get some they'll be just as good tomorrow or

whatever so you're having computer trouble you can't do a after show well i think i might have

solved it now maybe okay i don't know we'll see we'll see what's wrong with it i have no idea i

I have two MacBook Pros, and one of them, it's continuously, like, losing the DNS number

and, like, no IP address, and it just, like, drops out, and the internet stops working.

Did you give it a static IP address?

Welcome to the botnet.

We love you.

But I had two priest guys pray for the botnet, so...

It doesn't work.

You've got to make a sacrifice.

I guess.

You're going to burn some hay.

Yeah.

I blame it on Phone Losers' website.

Burn some hay.

all right uh i'm gonna get to some of these dwight numbers so they don't feel left out

this is rafa who has a free dog yeah rafa that could be a whole multitude of languages that name

rafa your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

hey you have a free dog

No, I gave it to somebody already.

Ah, you puta madre.

Ask about school.

Okay.

He flipped out when he asked him that.

No, no, no, no.

It's loud.

I gave it to somebody already, okay?

This is a loud talker, man.

Well, he did that yesterday, and I yelled at him,

why'd you give away my dog, motherfucker?

And he started yelling at me.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail.

I'll try him again.

Again, one more time, one more time.

I like the candles.

Ooh, a free concrete pipe coming up, man.

I know something I could do.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Come back.

Is not available.

That was his best.

That was his name, not his message.

There was a guy yesterday.

I forget his name, but he was like, my phone's in experimental mode right now.

Experimental mode.

Yeah, he's like, you could leave me a message or you could try to text.

And yeah, that might be better with the phone like this.

and I'll get your...

He's just giving this whole fucking life story

of why he cannot answer this phone.

He's rooting his Android phone

and putting a fucking cyanogen or some shit on it.

Yeah, I used to do that shit.

Fuck it.

Yeah, you might want to send me an email.

Come over to my house.

How about John with the free concrete pipe?

Anybody, anybody, anybody?

They're free concrete pipes.

They're big-ass drainage pipes.

Ask if you can put your dick in it.

Yeah, I'll ask him.

Ask how many dicks fit in it.

You need a big dick.

Do you have a big dick?

I remember the prank call where I told

the girl I was calling about

prowling with her pipe. She's like, I don't have any problem

with my pipe.

This is the classic porno line.

I heard you got a problem with your pipe.

No, we don't have a problem.

Weather called pipe.

No name next has

Rottweiler mixed puppies.

Rama, you're still up if you wish.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Try it again.

Those are those quality Dwight numbers right there.

Well, I did sit on them for a while.

Might need those Alaska numbers, Morgan.

Yeah, I already put them all in, and I just gave you an African-American guy looking for a gay roommate.

Hey!

I'd rather take that call.

All right, here's someone who tweeted that it was time for his annual

call Comcast and find a way to lower my bill with the promotion expiring.

Okay, gotcha.

That's Dwight every month.

No name?

I might get this at all times.

That's my step-ball in a coupon.

He calls the bitches and then he gets free stars for you.

What's this guy's name?

Michael Altman.

alternate that's fake it's a recording that's one of those anti-spam services all you do if you play

that remember like they used to sell like a box you could connect to your phone that would play

and as soon as yeah as soon as a telemarketer called you it would take out of the computer

there are a lot of companies made big money off of that and then they started including them in

handsets and shit like that um but all you needed is that do do do sound so you could put that on

your answering machine and did the same exact thing and you didn't have to pay for it telezap

yes thank you dashy it was called the telezap i remember but they have apps now that do that

yeah milkman was remember milkman was the same he had me on some block yeah there's an app that

you can get and you can set it so that um it plays all sorts of like this number has been

disconnected or whatever thing you want depending on what the number is that calls you okay it's

pretty cool google voice kind of does that kind of uh here's thomas prior who says i do not

understand why people go to starbucks and spend the whole time on their mobile phone

god-given right hello please state your name after the tone voice will try to reach marzipan

Tom Fire.

Hey, it's me, man.

What else are you going to say?

Who knows his friend's name?

I'd connect if I heard that.

I'd be like, oh, it might be someone who's drunk and needs help.

He's not here, man.

Hey, this is Tom.

Thanks for calling.

Please leave a message with your name and number.

I'm not calling him back.

Free coffee mugs from Tom.

This is a different Tom who has free coffee mugs.

Yeah, I need some coffee mugs.

Okay.

You get coffee mugs.

I get coffee, I rap.

Speaking of coffee mugs, there's Madhouse Radio coffee mugs.

You can get them over at prankcallnation.spreadshirt.com.

They're super expensive, but they're there.

Are your boobs big enough for every goal?

Hey, how you doing? Is this Tom?

Yeah, who's calling from Payless Shoe Store?

Well, my name is Dwight, and I'm calling about the mugs.

I'm sorry, I'm on my break over here.

Okay. How may I help you at 9.15 at night?

Well, I was calling about the mugs you got on the Craigslist.

Great, yes.

Yes.

Okay.

And you were giving them away for free.

Correct, yes.

Yes.

And I would like to procure them.

Okay.

So how do we make this happen?

Well, normally people call during normal business hours, not at 9 o'clock at night.

I'm not a store.

You're not a store.

You're in Craigslist.

And if there's hours you want people to call, you should have put it on your ad.

You shouldn't give me a fucking attitude problem just because I want some mugs.

Well, actually, asshole.

Asshole, now I'm not going to give you shit.

You're going to give me those mugs, motherfucker.

All right, listen, asshole, I'll fucking stab you in your throat.

You know what I'm saying?

Really? With what, your penis?

No, see, this is what I do to people who actually show up.

I'll actually fucking lay you out.

Let's fight. Let's fight for the mugs. I'll fight you.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Because you're that broke?

Are you that hard up for money that you'd shop in a free section?

No, I just like fucking people up that talk shit.

Well, that's how you're going to die one day.

You do understand that?

Well, today's a good day to die, so let's do this.

Thank you for the call.

What are you, some pussy you sit at home, you make mugs?

I'll let the Fresno County Sheriff's Department know who you are.

Yeah, they're going to come down to my work?

If he does that, he's a pussy.

Yeah, and I'll just play the recording back that he threatened to stab me in the neck.

They're going to lay you out, he said.

I love that line.

They're going to lay you out.

Hey, listen.

Listen to this, guys.

Give me a second.

I'll be right back.

Can you, who's in charge over there right now?

Um, Richard, this guy named Richard.

Can you tell Richard that Valente's calling, that I was calling because I was supposed to go down there and lay pipe,

and that I heard that there was a problem with the pipes, that the girls down there had a problem, needed help with their pipes.

Are you with the company, or?

Yeah, yeah, I'm with Valente and Associates. This is Valente. I was supposed to come down there and lay down the pipe.

Well, I need to know how many spaces, and that there's a problem that, that,

they said specifically here that the ladies have, have, uh, need work done on the pipes.

I don't know if you guys know which one it is. Maybe it was the ladies room. Okay, what you're saying go tell Richard that

Volante, Volante, right?

Volante.

Volante is calling and the ladies called earlier and said that they had problems with their pipes

Maybe in the ladies room and they he wanted to know how many spaces to buy. That I'm coming down to lay down the pipe

He's coming down to lay down the pipe. Faces. Faces. Faces, Volante.

Okay. And is there a reason why you're calling so late?

Like, are you going to come do it tonight, or...?

Well, we're supposed to come in first thing in the morning,

so we're trying to get access hours or whatever time someone's going to be open

and give us access to the spaces.

Whenever...

Well, my manager, he's here all the time, and he says he didn't know anything about that.

Well, he doesn't know about your pipes?

He says there's nothing wrong with our pipes.

None of the ladies there have any trouble, need any work done on their pipes?

No, sir.

Okay.

Okay. I guess I don't know what's up. You guys got me wandering around in a goose chase.

I heard that the women down there, that it was loose and that...

The women were loose?

No, that it was loose and there was a pollen with the pipes.

That they needed someone to come down and lay down pipe because it was, you know...

Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

Oh, okay.

Are you, like, accompanying from...

Uh-huh, yeah, Valentina's...

All right, she understands what I was saying.

She completely understood. That's the prank I was mentioning earlier.

earlier uh here's an ad for kittens kittens kittens all caps with exclamation points in

between anybody kittens yeah yeah kittens all right yeah dwight's gonna eat the kittens

who's called him from payless shoes oh shit i forgot to change it i thought that was funny

i gotta change it hang on hello how you doing uh you got some uh ad up on the craigslist about

some kittens yeah yeah um uh how many you got because i was looking for uh for three because

i have three children and i wanted to give them each a kitten well right now we have two two well

that'll have to do one the twins will have to share so are they male or female or what you got

there oh they said are they male or female i think one's male and one's female i could be wrong

have they been like spayed and neutered and all that stuff or no okay so they still got all the

All the bits and pieces?

Huh?

So they got all the bits and pieces still?

Well, yeah, they're in good health.

They're fine.

They haven't gotten any shots or anything yet.

Oh, yeah, I'd have to take care of that.

How big are they?

I know it probably wasn't too long they were born.

Would you say they're the size of, like, a Cornish game hen?

Or smaller, or what?

Not sure.

Yeah, they're small.

I mean, yeah, they're still tiny.

They look like a big rat.

Okay, so my snake shouldn't have a problem swallowing it?

what was that seven i don't know you laughed i wasn't sure what happened i thought you saw

something funny yeah well it's cheaper to get free kittens than it is to go to the pet store

and buy you know six seven rats those damn things are like 250 a piece so i go on craigslist and i

look for ads you know people that are giving away you know dogs they can't take care of anymore

you know kittens and i bring them back here and i i feed them i plump them up nice and big you know

know the snake snake doesn't have to eat for a month okay so uh what time should i come by to

pick these kittens up like you got the kittens for the sake of i mean no i'm gonna feed them to

my snake oh okay what time should i be by what time should i come by to pick them up we'd like

to give them away to somebody who wants to give them a home i mean come on man if you want to

watch or something that's fine you come over watch while i feed the first one oh man fine asshole

We'll do whatever you want with a fucking cat after you butt.

Well, tell me what I can do with it.

Really?

You're giving it away.

You don't care about it.

Seriously.

I'm calling him back.

I'll talk to him.

Talk to him about your rights as a cat owner and a snake owner.

Listen.

Haley, I have a message.

I'll get back to you.

Oh.

At the tone, please record.

He got me.

When do we get to see his ass, Carlito?

We do consulting.

It takes a while.

It does take a while, sir.

Uh-huh.

We'll see it, we'll see it

Carlito, can I get a chat?

Yeah

Who's Frank Colnation in there?

That's me

Did you fall asleep on the show last night, Carlito?

Yes, I did

Yeah, I hope I didn't say anything crazy

I was calling on you and I'm like

I think Carlito's all Mai Tide out

Yeah

That's you busting the weights right now?

No, that's KDK busting the weights

I don't look like that

Are you crazy?

They were sitting there like

Like, maybe Carlito's in there cooking some more dinner and shit in his sleep.

Some rice, some mashed potatoes.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, Big Jim?

Yes?

Yeah, I'm calling about your large bedroom and the historic home share.

Oh, very nice.

What can you describe about the bedroom?

Does it include my toilets and everything, the use of the toilet?

It's square.

Okay.

And the, wait a minute, that one's 13 by 13.

13 by 13.

In the front, it has two windows, and yes, it adjoins the large bathroom.

It's rented adjoined to the other end.

There's a door on each end of this large bathroom.

So it's my toilet only, though?

No, toilet, shower, you know, everything a bathroom should have.

But no one else is using it.

It's private.

Bunch of cabinets.

Private toilet?

No, not at all.

That's what I'm saying.

There's a door on each end of this extremely large bathroom.

And who am I sharing with the toilet?

Who, you?

you that would be rod the other guy who rents and he's clean yeah yeah okay is he around a lot

he's around a whole lot because like me he's retired he's 59 okay it's good that you let

retarded man stay there that's good okay retired oh okay we're like not working you mean well yeah

he's done working just like me but not because he's retarded or anything like it's because he's

No, he's 59, and I'm 58, and we're retired.

Okay, all right.

Does he do big, smelly shits?

I have no idea.

I have my own little bathroom that is just...

Now, you don't take a shower?

Of course I do.

Well, why do you have your own bathroom?

About once every three or four days, I take a shower.

I tell people, hey, I'm going in there to take a shower.

Oh, you use the shower, too, and you wait three or four days to do it, and then you...

Ew.

How often does the shower get scrubbed and cleaned?

Whenever you scrub and clean it, or he does.

That's when, because not in my bathroom, like I said.

Yeah, but you use the shower.

Yes, I use the shower.

I don't clean it up.

Is it a clean shower?

I just use the shower like a normal person.

Yeah, but after a while, no matter who you are, you have to clean the shower.

When's the last time I had a clean shower?

Exactly.

When's the last time they had a clean?

I don't have a piece of paper on the wall that you check off.

I'm just saying, when you clean the shower, or he cleans the shower, that's when it gets clean.

Are there those orange and pink stains on the drain and stuff?

Excuse me?

Are there any of those orange and pink stains on the drain and stuff like that?

What

are you talking about?

You know how sometimes you get orange and pink stains on the drain?

No, I don't think this is for you, man.

I just want to make sure...

Oh, come on.

You know where I'm...

He's fucking disgusting.

Three to four days at a time he goes without a shower.

Hey, man, that's gross.

i mean after like you take a shower and like you make this like one day but after that you

feel fucking grimy and you gotta get in the shower but not him he's hanging out with fucking

ron i got charlie's once a day most people just like do like a scrub like a sponge bag

i do a full fucking cleaning

Carlito throwing that

Retired line

From Bruno

Yeah from Borat

Yeah

Yeah man

That's nice

You love the

Retired Red Shirt Room

That's nice

You love Retired

He fell right for it

It's like

No no

Retired

He said it just like

They did

On that

When he said

Just like me

He should have been like

You wanna

Retard too

What you call

Retarded

Is not what he is

Alright

So

That was about

out the room uh now we have kathy hit shoe united airlines my kid was scared for her life at 1 a.m

from your luggage delivery man with this aggressive dog can i do that yeah aggressive

a delivery man i guess a guy came with a luggage like one of the luggage delivery persons and there

was an aggressive dog and i probably were probably shipping at the airport yeah that's

it's probably like they lost their luggage and then they found it and some guy was probably

bringing the shit to him yeah and he probably had an aggressive ass dog with him in the car

her son shouldn't have been so ugly and the dog probably wouldn't have barked

hey lady what's your kid doing up one in the morning anyway you bitch what kind of mother

are you i get it so they were dropping off i've had to have this on before dropping off

luggage and the guy had an aggressive dog inside yeah seriously it's nice that they even dropped

It was in Tampa, Florida.

It was United?

Yeah, and she furthers United.

Seriously, find out who delivered in Tampa, Florida

and school him.

She followed up with that.

She lives in Tampa. She's a stripper anyways.

Tampa's a big...

They have the best stripper places.

Hell yeah, man. It's like the stripper capital

of the frickin' U.S., right?

If I'm not mistaken.

Are they hot there?

I think so. I went to the University of Tampa

briefly and i liked it south florida you want to know the university of tampa right there in

downtown tampa did they teach you how to dance booster i know some strippers did them is that

the one on daytona drive or whatever no it should be on the gulf coast did you ever go to the pink

pony no i did not this woman's name again and it's mons venus uh there's kathy kathy i want

Hello? Hello? Hey, can I speak with Kathy, please?

She's right here. Okay, can I speak with her, please?

Hello? Hi there, Kathy. My name's Kendra. I'm calling from United. How are you doing this evening?

I'm doing great. Good, good. That's great to hear.

I was actually just giving you a call from the public relations department just in regards to that tweet that you sent out.

Oh, wow.

That would be awesome.

Sorry?

I was saying, oh, wow, that would be awesome.

Well, that's what we're doing right now.

So, yeah, do you mind explaining yourself a little bit and why you posted that slanderous stuff publicly on your Twitter account about us?

Yeah, so my daughter, we live in Canada, so we sent our 18-year-old daughter to the States for six weeks, and she flew through Tampa, Florida.

When she got to Tampa, it was about, they told her before she left, they told them that her luggage...

Okay, let's get to the meat of the issue here.

We're just, I'm just wanting to know about the man and his dog that apparently scared your child.

Yes.

Okay, so the luggage delivery guy was supposed to show up at 8 o'clock p.m.,

and he did not show up until about 1 o'clock.

In the meantime, he called her.

Yeah, 1 o'clock a.m.

in the meantime he did call her so we do have his telephone number we don't have his name but we do

have his phone number where he called her and she gave him the address he hung up he couldn't find

it he called again he couldn't find it finally she gave him the pastor's address and said i'm

staying with the pastor tomorrow night just go take it to my pastor so he finally showed up at

at the pastor's house at 1 o'clock, and he was banging on the door so loud,

and he had his dog with him, and he was barking so loud.

The pastor actually came to the door with a gun, pulled open the door.

They called the police and everything.

So it's not a slanderous statement to say he showed up at 1 a.m. with a dog delivering a suitcase

and representing an airline.

So, I mean, because nobody would take the complaint or nobody is saying anything about the complaint, I'm thinking as long as I have his phone number, somebody there should say, you know, we have something else.

He will never deliver luggage to an 18-year-old girl flying across the country by herself ever again.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, yeah, that's actually quite, that is pretty surprising.

Can I get his number just so we can do a backwards sort of trace that way through our employee system and that way I'll figure out exactly who it is?

It says from his number that he's from Baltimore, Maryland,

but that's all I got, and I was a little too...

Okay, well, you said you have his number, though, correct?

Yes, I'm looking for...

Okay, okay, yes.

In order for us to actually figure out who this person is,

I will need that number.

Oh, yeah, you'll definitely be able to know by his phone number.

Let's see.

You guys ready?

One second, I have to go back through my photos.

Okay.

Yeah, no, they wouldn't know what time it is here, Katie.

Okay, okay.

All right, just a second.

Okay, this is the man, actually, that did the deed that you might want to speak to.

Sir, we're calling from United.

We have a customer on the line, somebody who you came and delivered some luggage for the other day.

They have a very, very serious complaint that they wanted to let you know about.

Go ahead, ma'am.

Yes, hello?

Yes.

Well, my complaint was about the luggage you were able to deliver for my daughter on, I forget what night she landed now, a couple nights ago.

It seemed like you had a hard time trying to find the address.

Essentially, yeah, she's saying that you showed up with a dog that was barking very loudly,

and you were pounding on the door of this poor pastor's house, and he showed up at the front door with a gun in his hand.

Do you recall this incident, sir?

No, I do not.

I showed up at a door at the address that the lady gave me on the phone after she gave me a bogus address to a strip mall.

Then she gave me another address in Brandon.

I went there.

I knocked on the door.

I rang the bell.

No one responded.

I called the lady.

She said, well, don't ring the bell.

Don't knock on the door.

I said, well, the only thing I can do is leave it back at the door.

She wanted to give me another address.

I told her, ma'am, you just spoke with the airlines.

I cannot take another address from you.

I will leave it at the door.

It's your responsibility.

Yeah, that sounds more than reasonable, to be honest with you.

Ma'am, are you sure you're not just, I don't know, trying to garner some sort of sympathy or something and just over-exaggerating the story?

Let me finish telling you why the dog was barking.

The dog was barking because someone called the police.

The police came up to the car.

Anytime someone approaches my car, the dog will bark.

Oh, yeah, my dogs hate the pigs, too, so I understand.

And that's when the dogs start barking, when the police appear for unspecified reasons, I don't know, because I was only sitting there to complete my trip to that house and my trip to the next house, and the police came.

I showed him my ID, I told him what I was doing, he went to the door.

Now, I don't know what happened at the door, because I never got back out of my car once I got in the car.

The police went to the door and came back.

That sounds honestly more than reasonable, ma'am.

It seems like your story is just not holding water.

Right, so everything I told you and he told you held water, so obviously...

Well, we can see based on the GPS that's located in his delivery vehicle exactly where he was.

We can also see based on his phone calls what time phone calls were made,

and I do see that everything he just said does correlate with what's here in our computer system.

Except he didn't deliver the luggage to the first address he was given from...

Well, he was saying the first address was, quote-unquote, bogus.

It was a strip mall.

That's his statement. Listen, that's his statement.

I know, and I'm just telling you, ma'am, can you please just lower your attitude down a few notches so we can deal with this for one.

Secondly, I'm looking at the address that was first given, and I just put it in Google Maps, and it is, in fact, a strip mall.

So I highly doubt that's where your daughter was actually, you know, waiting for her luggage unless she's, I don't know, stripping at some strip club in the strip mall.

But I highly doubt that given the fact she's staying at a pastor's house.

Listen, I don't know what address he put in his GPS.

Yes.

The address that I was given by the airlines.

The address that was given by the airlines, and I contacted the airlines.

The airlines contacted your daughter.

She gave them another address in Brandon, which I appeared at that address.

And the police verified that I was at that address.

Man, don't talk back to the man when he's trying to explain the situation, please.

I'm sorry.

Whose side are you on?

Like, you call me in Canada at 1030 at night, and you're telling me that everything I told you is bogus,

but the man, the gentleman, just told you, yes, he had a dog.

Yes, he went to multiple addresses.

Yes, he went to multiple addresses, meaning he did everything within his power to perform the duties of his job to the best that he knew how.

And as I said, ma'am, please lower the attitude for this second time now.

Ma'am, ma'am, you're going to be banned from ever using United for your whole entire family.

The way I spoke to her was, ma'am, you just spoke to the airline.

I'm not going to change the address again.

She said, what's going on?

I said, miss, you just spoke to the airlines.

I'm not going to change the address again, and I'm going to leave it where I'm at.

Ma'am, can your daughter not speak for herself?

She said she was 18 years old, so why is it that she's getting her mommy to deal with this for her?

Is it probably because she didn't really have an issue with it,

and you're some social justice, you know, warrior type who's trying to, you know,

gain sympathy by posting it on Twitter and slandering us?

Thank God.

Listen, I recorded the phone call.

That's okay.

I did as well.

And my manager is sitting here with me, and you can speak with him if you'd like.

I'd love to talk to your manager.

Okay.

One second.

His name is Cross.

I will just put him on.

One sec.

Yeah, this is Cross.

I'm the manager, and I've been monitoring this call, too.

And shame on you, lady.

You're the problem here.

People like you just not looking to take advantage.

Of course you are.

Of course.

This is my team, and I stand 100% by my team.

Okay, I'm telling you something that happened to my daughter, okay?

I told you this guy was so belligerent on the phone with my daughter.

She just got off an airline who lost her luggage for five or six hours.

So this guy is talking to my kid on the phone so belligerent that she's in tears.

She's 18.

She was partying wherever she was at.

Was she sucking dicks or something?

Was she sucking dicks, do you think?

Right.

Okay, so it's not really United.

My bad.

Yes, this is.

It's not.

There's no way.

It is United, actually.

There's no way.

Unfortunately.

You've changed your stories multiple times.

First you said she was 18, then you said she was 17.

Then, you know, you've changed your story around.

It's not adding up.

You also don't have the accent of a Canadian, so I'm a little weary about that as well.

So the airlines was polite enough to send a bag to another designation that was way out of the way from where the first one was.

I spent 45 minutes at the first location.

I found the airline, gave me another address, which she gave the airlines, and I went there.

It took me another 45 minutes all the way across the other side of the town to get there.

Right.

And when I get there, no one answers the door.

And then she tells me, I call her.

She says, well, can I give you another address?

I said, ma'am, I cannot take another address.

Sir, can I ask you a question?

Are you African-American by chance?

Okay, well, leave it at the door then.

It'll be okay.

I said, that's what I'll do.

I left the bag at the door, and I have a picture in my phone of the bag sitting at the door.

Sir, are you African-American by chance?

Yes, I am.

Okay, okay.

See, this is something I really wanted to point out.

So, ma'am, I'll have you know that you...

I lost her. Let me try to call her back.

But that's fine. We still have...

What an ass.

He really placed that man's safety in his life, you know?

He put it in danger calling the cops on a minority.

Yeah.

Sir, do you have the daughter's cell phone number so we can confirm her story?

Do I?

Yes, sir.

I have...

Actually, I'm not even there.

I'm not even at home now.

I'm out of town.

Hello?

No, you're with us.

I'm not.

Yeah, we're good.

Yeah, we're trying to get her back on because she's slandering you.

It's a classic case of reverse racism, sir.

Because we're getting ready to get a lawyer to represent you.

I'm telling you exactly what happened because my dog never got out of the car.

And the only time my dog barked was when the police pulled up and approached my vehicle.

Of course, of course.

You're lucky you weren't shot.

I carry him at night for that purpose because it's dark sometimes.

People approach my vehicle and I don't see them all the time.

It could have been so much worse.

They can barely see you probably, you know.

Exactly. And it's dark out. I mean, these bags that I deliver all night long sometimes. I mean, 2, 3, 4, 5 o'clock in the morning. And, you know, nobody wants nobody crawling around their house. And I stay in the car until I can make sure I'm at the right place.

Yeah, you don't want to be a black guy creeping around in the middle of the night in some up-close neighborhood, you know, just asking for trouble.

Yeah, listen, we received audio.

Sir, sir, we received audio.

We received audio of their 911 call to the police, and they were like, there was some N-word out here, and he said,

and he was like, I'm going to get my shotgun and kill me some N-word tonight, he said.

Yeah.

They must have seen me at the door there, I mean, because I knocked on the door and rang the bell.

this was the address the cops the cops asked me do you know who it is i said i don't know the person

i said i was given this address by the airlines i'm delivering luggage and this was the address

they gave me they gave me another bogus address and then they gave me this address and this is

the address i left the bag at the door so he took my id he went up to the door to see if the bag

was there and he confirmed all that and i guess at that time the guy opened the door and took the bag

and he said well i don't know about the bag coming here but i'll take it anyway so i mean at that

that point i was done with it when i left the door and took the picture i got in my car i never got

back out right you did the right thing you did exactly what we're supposed to do yeah yeah yeah

you're i'm putting a gold star here in your record with us yeah you did it all by the phone

we couldn't ask for anything anything more from you 2008 yeah i've been doing this have you are

you are you interested in management at all have you ever looked into that or been approached

I just try to go by the rules.

I try to spend as much as I can for the customers, but, I mean, she was getting ridiculous.

I already spent an hour and a half with this bag, and I have the people still waiting for their bag.

She's beyond ridiculous.

She has serious issues.

She's stupid.

The daughter is stupid.

It was a game to her.

Oh, can you take it to another address?

I said, ma'am, I'm not taking it to nowhere.

This is my final destination.

It's not a fucking wild goose chase here.

And she was partying?

Was she, like, drinking, you think, and stuff?

Yeah, she sounded all happy and partying.

You know, the noise in the background didn't seem like she was in stress anywhere.

Like, she was somewhere partying.

She didn't want to leave to whatever.

I don't know.

I mean, she didn't give that address when she talked to the airline.

She was bouncing around.

She was bouncing around, partying away from home, you know, drinking.

Did you notice?

You noticed, exactly.

That's exactly what she's a loose girl, and she's, you know, experimenting.

Yeah, going from place to place and wanting me to follow her around to give her her bag.

Oh, no, no, that's ridiculous.

Ma'am, are you there?

Are you still with us, ma'am?

Miss Kathy?

Hello?

Yes, I'm here.

Yeah, yeah, so you see your daughter is drinking underage.

Tell me your name again.

I'm sorry, tell your name again.

Oh, I'm Eddie.

I'm Eddie.

Eddie Cross.

I'm the manager.

And you're United, right?

Eddie at United.

Yeah, I'm the manager.

And then my associate's name is Associate Number 12.

You can put down for her unless she wants to give you her name.

It's up to her.

Oh, I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of this woman.

My name is Kendra.

I'm with Public Relations and Customer Service at United.

And we're giving the gentleman a promotion, and we're lawyering him up.

Why?

Whatever, dude.

Come on.

We're going to lawyer him up, yeah, for free.

Good.

I've got you recorded.

The whole thing about my kid, I got it all recorded.

Well, you're not welcome in Canada, by the way, with that accent and attitude.

Okay.

Yay.

Thank you so much for giving your name and phone number and recording for all of you.

I appreciate it.

What did you record this on, ma'am?

How did you record it?

What file?

Because I have two iPhones.

I'm smart enough to have one recording.

Hello.

Wow.

Hello.

This is in a two-party state.

We have to get permission from us before.

and you should know that by Canada having the large

anti-spam law ma'am

so you can't use that at all

well that recording is not admissible

in court because we didn't give our

consent

stupid bitch you can't use it at all

yeah you stupid complainer

it's going to be thrown right out

I don't fucking care

hey ma'am go ahead and record even more

we already know your daughter is a slut and likes to do drugs

you know what

I'm actually their supervisor

Guess who just got red-flagged off of All United and Star Alliance flights?

Excuse me, ma'am.

There are better things that you could be doing with that iPhone right now

as setting it to vibrate and calling it multiple times

while it's in your pins and vibrating your vagina.

And don't think about taking Air Canada or WestJet

because my boyfriend actually works for that company,

so you'll be blacklisted there as well.

Good luck leaving Canada.

Sorry, you're going to be luggage-listed.

We have 27 airlines in our Star Alliance

And none of them you're going to be flying on

Ever again

United Rock

Say it louder bitch

Say it louder

Thank you for the recording

Say it louder bitch

I love United Airlines

Fuck yes

No more flights on Lufthansa

On Singapore Airlines

Can you tell me your name one more time

It's on the recording

it's on the recording just listen back to it and you're fucking recording remember

duh no more flights on air canada air china air india air new zealand asiana airlines air france

austria hey chatty kathy i have a question for you this is mina harker from united why exactly

do you feel that we should actually listen to you i don't understand the question why why do

you think that you know your daughter okay let's break it down here your daughter went on a trip

alone she had a terrible experience what makes your daughter's experience any worse than anybody

else that goes through the same shit when they go the same stuff when they go to me i just like to

say i i wouldn't say it's very horrible experience you know she did get her luggage back true some

people don't get anything for free and they tried to shoot them they brought a door the gun to the

door and everything yeah jesus did you ask your daughter what she was doing on her trip that she

lost her luggage maybe it was her fault why was she out partying why was she out doing partying

and drinking, and she's underage.

What was that?

Ecstasy.

Are you sure it was a pastor she was staying with?

Okay.

Thank y'all so much.

Oh, you think her and the pastor are fucking?

You think they're fucking?

That's fine, because we're going to get your side of the story.

We're going to out you, lady.

Perfect, perfect.

Yeah, we're going to post this on our shittiestcustomers.com.

Make sure you post it on your daughter before you put that video out there.

Hey, guess what?

We know that you just tweeted again that you got cussed out by United.

I'm seriously sending the video to United.

Who cares?

You know how many videos are going to go viral?

We can't wait.

I'm going to be famous.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

Thank you, Kathy.

You're a godsend.

Hello.

Hi.

Great customer service.

Thank you.

Thank you, Kathy.

You're welcome.

We're the best.

If you want to check, you can check with the company I work for.

I already told them exactly what happened.

They'll probably give you a beta.

No, sir, you're exonerated.

This woman's a bitch, and she's stupid.

No, this woman essentially tried to have you killed with the pastor calling the cops on you and everything.

So she's just a white racist lady who, you know, she's lucky we even called her back.

We have evidence now that this pastor is plying this 18-year-old girl with alcohol for sexual favors.

Just for the record, what type of dog did you have, sir, in the vehicle?

I have a miniature Manchester Terrier and Doberman Pinscher.

He weighs about 19 pounds.

What's his name?

Aw, what a cutie.

What's his name?

His name is Luda, Chris.

Aw.

Luda.

Don't want no minute, man.

So she was scared by a 19-pound dog.

Wow.

Kathy was obviously on some sort of drugs or the daughter.

It runs in the family, I guess.

What's your daughter's name?

I mean, if the guy heard me knocking on the door

why didn't he just come to the door no honey you're all good as i said you did everything

i'll tell you exactly why he he came to the door with a gun reverse racism he saw you were black

and he just you know he just wanted to try to teach you a lesson on the recording he called

you boy several times he said this black dog yeah he said what's this n-word this n-word's at my

door she's just afraid because she thought you were gonna sell her kids i can ring the bell

nobody answers so i called her again oh yeah don't knock on the door they might be having sex i bet

you but the pastor okay well i don't want my clothes yet because then i have to put clothes

on that's the whole thing she was like oh yeah pastor i have to take a shower but i i don't have

have my luggage that's she's dad with hey that's what it was sir that was the plan from the

beginning from the beginning look and they're trying to get you in trouble for it fuck that

no we got we figured it out yeah okay hey you've been a real gem sir all right all right hey keep

those eyes open at night during the day you know you got to stay on the lookout stay vigilant no

smoking and try not to eat heavy uh calorie foods because stay away from canadians sedentary job

job okay all right african americans are susceptible to heart disease you know and give luda a nice

pat on the bum for me oh little luda yeah that's my man right there all right yeah yeah my 19 pound

dog would have he caused such a confusion in the neighborhood you know they caused the confusion

That's ludicrous.

Otherwise, he'd be another

to open his mouth.

All right.

All right, bye.

See you later, boy.

Thanks.

Thanks, Homeslice.

Bye, dude.

Bye.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

That was fucking funny.

Is she still on?

No.

Carlito, hit the breaking news, please.

Wow, really?

The breaking news?

Uh-oh.

Do you find it interesting?

Tweets from Kathy

as of 10 minutes ago.

At United,

Wow, just got cussed out by

at United.

She then responds, 9 minutes ago

at United, just called

and cussed me out. Wow,

said sickening things to me.

Recorded. Sad.

Very sad.

Sad. Very sad.

Another one 10 minutes ago.

At United, so sad, my phone

rang and got cussed out

10.30 at night.

And then, at United, very

Very sad. You really cussed at me on speaker. That bad.

Why does she believe that this actually happened?

I don't know, but the 18-year-old daughter looks very bangable.

Is she hot? Yeah, she's totally fucking the pastor. Fake pastor.

Let me see if I can get a picture of just her. Well, this is the whole family. I guess I could do that.

Yeah, Kathy is a professional victim, I think.

God, this motherfucker needs a condom. He's got like six kids.

they need to do something about like this is like a whole social media thing about people

complaining like i get people are always going to complain but like the things like complaining

you know on twitter and stuff and the companies that address it well being being offended seems

to be like the new thing yeah everybody's inconvenienced about something and they want

to bitch about it's like you know what about it just it's life like you lose your luggage

mortgage chill the fuck out deal with it there's people that are starving yeah well i don't know

if you heard the guy said that she he she didn't she wasn't crying she wasn't obsessed she's

partying like yeah exactly i was trying to get morgan to say oh i'm sorry it wasn't it wasn't

a strip mall it was a strip club that's what i did say i said that but i she was trying to talk

over me i don't think she even heard it check that link out the daughter you can do her

a few more years

the other daughter will be very fuckable

which one is it

well I'm guessing the one in the red shirt on the left

the other one don't

I thought it was the little one in the front

the little one in the front

I don't know

she looks like she could get turned out

see this is like the goody two shoes

one where mom and dad

pastor dad and mom are around

when she was down in Florida

she has like a quarter of the clothing on

and, like, she's got a Triscuit cracker

on her pussy.

Her husband looks like he cheats on her all the time.

He looks like the Duggar family.

Yeah, the Duggar.

They were, like, molesting each other.

Yeah, it's the oldest son there with the red face.

He's just blushing

because he's having his picture taken.

He's all tired and shit. He's all flushed out.

That's why the little girl in the front doesn't look so happy.

Her smile's not genuine, you can tell.

Yeah, look how tan the dude is compared to his family.

This looks like KDK's family.

family they got bad teeth though they had to get braces the guy in the back looks like um

he's got good teeth those from her she's got the bad teeth oh yeah because just two hours ago she

tweeted uh at united seriously find out who delivered in tampa florida and school him

well that was the original he's getting a promotion i guess he is she looks like she

wears banks uh that guy was a trick he was cool as hell oh yeah he was a nice guy i liked him

I was waiting for it to go hood, but yeah, here's Kathy's description.

Busy loving people back to life.

Florida transplant to Forks McMurray.

Spectacular wife to Pastor James.

Awesome.

Mom of six.

Pastors at blah, blah, blah church.

I'm not going to read the church because then people are going to find it and go crazy.

It really bothered me that she kept going, hello.

Hello.

Alright, here's

a Comcast complaint. People look like they could live in my town.

That's scary. This is a

Comcast

Complainer named Zachary Fisher

Who says hey wow

Comcast he's getting 250k

Down

Can you give me some phone crackle

I feel like I'm back in the

Prodigy dialogue days

Anyway

Wow Prodigy you went there

Let's give him a call

I will try it

256k woo

Back in the day that was great

250k

That means you were like bridging 5

dial-up connections. No one did that.

That was so expensive. Five phone lines bridged

on a computer. I don't even know if a Windows PC back then

could have bridged five dial-up connections

like that. It would have taken forever to

set it up. You'd be sitting there for a long ass time.

I think I fixed my

internet problem.

You left a show. I'm doing one.

I already got the music lined up, ready to go.

I hope it's ludicrous.

Hi, this is Zachary Fisher.

I'm unable to take your call.

Please leave a message.

A message, I think.

she must have been tweeting as we were fucking with her on the phone

oh she heard me talk all that shit with that guy for a while

he's like yeah no she was fucking partying

whoa george found something found one of that girl's twitter account

she looks like a performer or something like she's

got stuff going on jokes with her oh she has youtube videos

is oh yeah this girl's a freak hey here's sunny who has a 400 room available i defer to the women

since her name is sunny oh she's not a performer she has a thousand subscribers oh well so she does

like vlogs and stuff she's like the females jack she's a thousand that's more than i have

what's the call uh carlina sunny room for rent 400 where's it at hi is this sunny yep what is

this hi sunny this is mina and i'm calling about your room for rent uh hi how you doing i'm just

It's fine.

Yes, the room is still available.

Okay, cool.

So you're only charging $400.

How big is the room?

I don't know the measurements, but the room is a regular-sized room.

But if you want, I can send you a picture.

Okay, well, I think I know the area that it's in.

Okay.

It's by the Chevron gas station.

Yeah.

Is this like a blue territory or a red territory?

I'm not sure.

I think it's a blue territory.

Okay, cool.

Cool. Just wondering, um, cause are you, are you okay if minorities come?

No, what do you mean?

Well, like Hispanics and stuff. Are you guys okay with that?

That's fine.

Okay. Are you guys Hispanic too?

No, I'm Indian.

Oh, you're Indian. Okay, cool. Um, what kind of Indian, like a Sikh or Indian?

Uh, not, not, not Indian from here. I'm a Indian. I'm from India.

Yeah. Are you Sikh?

Yes, I'm Sikh.

Okay. Um, is it big enough for me to, to bring a snake in?

Uh, what was that?

Is it big enough for me to bring a pet?

Oh, actually, the pets are not inside.

I don't have any inside pets.

Oh, you don't have any?

We have a big area outside.

There are outside pets, okay, but inside pets, no.

Okay, so no on the snakes?

Oh, snake is fine.

I thought you were talking about dog or something.

Like, snake is fine.

Okay, because I'm pretty sure, like, yeah, I have, like, whistles.

The snake will be in the cage, right?

Like, in this box?

Yeah, we'll actually have him in a basket.

And then we just sit around, and we have music time, and he comes out of the basket.

it's a cobra oh that's fine like as uh as long as you are there within that's fine okay cool so

you're okay if i play because i play the flute and it just kind of soothes them out of the basket

okay i just want to make sure you guys okay with that uh it's not going to make it as long as it

won't make it any mess or it's not dangerous to anybody else that's good enough okay how many

people are there uh it's only me okay yeah here's um i don't i can play the whistle on the phone

if you'd like see if it's gonna be too loud no okay it's like like that that's fine okay that's

not that's not too bad what about like this one like that's for when he's in a bad mood fine with

me or like this one like that one are you playing your games or something no is the snake hard no

is your snake hard uh who's this uh did you want me to help you with that well that's why i want

the room. Okay, you want to talk to my

husband, Mike the Donnie? Go for it, Mike.

Oh, shit.

I'm just evening.

I want to play on my gun.

So that was Sonny.

Terry is

Terry with an I

in Sacramento

has a $350 room for rent.

In the big sack.

Sorry, that

last call, that guy was probably like

Like, maybe 45 minutes away from me.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

He got real bashful, huh?

He's like, oh, maybe I, like, I don't know.

Maybe I have a good phone.

I don't see the major, but at least maybe I do.

Hi, you've reached Terry.

I'm probably up to my elbows in tubs and toilets,

so please leave a message after the beep.

I guess she does that shit.

She said she's up to her elbows?

In tubs and toilets, yeah.

Oh, nice.

She must work at a motel or hotel.

Or she just has a compulsive disorder.

That was funny.

Like it's her house.

Hi, you've reached Terry.

I'm probably up to my elbows in tubs and toilets,

so please leave a message after the beep.

Nice, though.

George Fender Facebook page

Oh, it's a good thing you called, Kathy.

It looks like on the first, on Wednesday, she's going to be in Ireland.

Dirty girl.

I hope she finds an airline that'll take her.

I don't think that number's working.

I'm trying to find another one.

Maybe I ran out of credit.

Oh, Shared One-Bedroom Apartment, $400 in the Sac-Ribbentrop area.

Oh, breaking news.

Kathy just deleted everything to do with United off of her Twitter.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Is that Shauna?

Yes.

Hi, you have a Shared One-Bedroom Apartment?

Yes.

Is it for a man or for a woman?

Anyone.

Okay.

Who will I be sharing it with?

You?

Yes, it's me.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

All right.

And then do we use the same bed?

Yes.

Well, I mean, I have a bed.

Is there room for it in the bedroom?

I don't know.

Or where do I sleep, you know?

No, you can't get your bedroom.

I can't get my bedroom.

Are you kidding?

Are you calling just for joking or are you serious?

Because I don't know this number.

No, I'm for real.

I saw your ad for a one-bedroom, shared one-bedroom apartment for $100.

Yeah, but the way you're talking, are we going to share the bedroom?

The way you're talking, it looks like you're just joking, kidding something.

No, no, no.

I just don't know the situation.

Do I sleep in the living room or in the bedroom?

I don't know how it works.

No, the roommate I will get here, he or she is going to get the bedroom.

I'm living in the living room.

Even right now, I don't have any roommate here

Since I moved here, I never had a roommate here

But I'm still in the living room

I don't like living in the bedroom

You don't like bedroom?

Okay, you like living in the living room

Okay

Yeah

That's why they call it the living room, am I right?

Yeah

No, I'm okay in the living room, I'm fine

I'm still in the

And there's one toilet?

One toilet?

Yes

Okay, good

Of course, it's one bedroom apartment

okay i want to make sure just situation so we're going to use the same toilet

okay do you have the cable tv i will pay for it if you don't i'll buy it i don't have any i don't

even i don't have my own tv here i just have my own bedroom and my own laptop that's it you have

a living room you have a living room let me say yeah i don't have a furniture here oh well look

um i have living room furniture if you want you can use it because i'm going to lose it if i

don't bring it you know you can bring it it would be perfect for me it would be nice and good for me

if you bring it yeah i don't have any furniture i just try to buy it but i i always say i don't

know how long i'm gonna be here i don't know if i like it but but i'm i'm here over one year

okay so i work i don't care too much about furniture but no but you need somewhere that

would be nice i don't want to lose it so i don't want to lose so i bring it and you yeah you can

use and then then i'll get cable tv and if you want we can watch tv together you know we can

make tv together watching so we share the tv you know yeah that'd be kind of cool yeah i even don't

have a tv i just i'm not sure with my laptop but i have tv you can we can watch the tv i share tv

yes you have to watch you have to share the tv anyway you cannot close my eyes

oh no yeah then we share the tv oh nice nice we sit on the couch you know no you say i will

share the tv i mean i say you cannot close my eyes i will watch it anyway

oh okay i get it i get it very nice it's up to you you can put your tv in your own

in your bedroom or you can put it in the living room i have two tvs i have two one for living

one for bedroom i have two i have small one bedroom big one living room yeah i have and

i'm gonna lose it if i don't bring it so i bring yeah oh yeah oh yeah who is that next to you

she was laughing i heard when you when i answered the phone i heard someone is laughing oh she is

is my uh well you know she's my woman you know hi hello yeah hi yeah i can't really

she can't come live with me any i can't live with her anymore you know it's a secret yeah

her husband's coming back from japan so i have to leave oh but i need him to be close by

So this seems like a really good arrangement.

Do you think you might be interested in him?

Arrangement about what?

Well, this room sounds like a really good idea because it would be close enough for me but far enough away, you know.

So, like I said, I do need him close by me at my side at all times.

And since my husband's coming back and doesn't know about it, it would be perfect if he could come live with you.

Okay.

Are you an American citizen?

Do you need a great, do you maybe want to do a deal for your visa?

You know, like if you want to get, you want to be a resident?

Do you have citizenship or you have a visa?

I don't have my citizenship yet, but I will get it soon.

I can get it for you.

We can get married.

What do you mean?

We can get married.

We don't even have to sleep in the same room.

We just have to be at the same address.

It's perfect.

You just told me to just make a joke and laugh.

No, no, look.

Look, me, you get married, you become citizen.

We just have to stay married for five years, and then we get divorced, and you keep your citizenship.

We'll give you a job.

And we have to go to four interviews, and that's it.

We have a lot of houses to clean.

We'll give you a job.

Yeah.

So it seems you will give me everything.

Well, I'll get you $60,000.

You're helping us out.

Yeah.

Are you under?

You called me.

What happened?

I'm dreaming now?

I will get a roommate, I will get a husband, I will get my sister.

Yeah, it's called the American Dream, baby.

You get TV, you get baby, because I'll fuck you, too.

I have to fuck you.

No.

We have to mate.

No, I think you fucked her a lot already, so your dick is not going to be hard anymore.

Oh, she's got a point.

You don't want to fuck a hard dick?

If I want to have a hard dick, it's a lot.

Someone sounds sexually frustrated over there.

Somebody is waiting for me.

I'm going to get a dick right now.

Is your pimp waiting for you?

Because she's fiked your dick already.

I don't like the dick.

She's fiked it already.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

You want a clean dick?

Is that what it is?

Okay, so no.

Have fun, guys.

Okay.

Okay?

All right, bye.

I love you, lady.

Bye-bye.

You want TV, though?

I'll bring a TV for you.

No.

I want TV.

We'll bring your cable.

We don't even have to live there.

People, yeah, people were talking about TV.

I was happy.

I'm happy. But now you talked about citizenship, you talked about $60,000.

Now I'm not happy with TV.

Do you want more money?

If you want to give me $60,000, yeah. I can meet you, but not for TV.

Do you want to be on TV?

We have a new show called The Shards of Gaza Square.

You are not smart. You started with TV first, and then you go for $60,000 or citizenship.

Why are you trying to say I'm a bad negotiator?

Bye. I'm busy. I have to go.

Okay. Peace in the Middle East, lady, because you're doing so well over there.

You're here, right?

She's Russian or something.

Oh.

Or Polish.

What are you?

What?

What's your reason?

Do you speak the dead?

Are you from Armenia?

Where are you?

Where are you from?

Tell me why did you call me?

You're talking this shit thing.

Why?

Because you're offering the bedroom, one bedroom for Cher.

And I thought we were going to sleep in the bed together.

You know?

No.

Why did you call me?

Why are you just...

Why are you calling me and talking like this?

Because I'm horny.

Why?

I'm horny.

Why are you bothering people?

Do you know what is horny?

I'm asking you to answer me, then I'll answer you.

Do you know what does horny mean?

Do you know what that means?

Answer my question, then I'll answer you.

Okay, why am I bothering you?

Because I'm horny.

Why are you bothering me?

Because you...

Who gave me your number?

Who gave you my number?

I believe, I'm sure, somebody gave my number to you.

Yeah, his name is Draco.

Draco.

You know Draco?

Oh.

Ships?

Yeah.

The ass? That one? Give you my number?

The stoop?

Stupid bitch.

You stupid. You're giving your pussy to Rastafarian right now.

Hey, fuck you, bitch.

I hear lots of noise over there.

How about that?

All those sheep, all those sheep is talking to you right now.

Bah, bah, like that?

Yeah, you fucking fuck sheep, bitch.

Where's your husband?

Oh, it's goats.

They're goat fuckers, goats.

Well, do you know I can record you in the police department, this number that I have?

He's like, they believe you, lady.

Do you know, do you know, do you know all of the talking in this conversation, I'm recording that right now?

Oh, who are you going to complain to?

I'll turn you in.

Yeah, we'll turn you out.

tomorrow I will

I'm sorry I'm gone

but Tuesday

I will go

it's going to be your last day

in this country

bye bye

bye

alright she's gone

and I'm done

I'm done

I'm tired

it was an after show

so listen to that

thank you to the

everyone that came in

thank you Neon

thank you

Lama

Rokman

Mike

Don

Morgan

Lama

how he said

And thank you, James Parkman, for sending in numbers.

And that's all I know to say.

That's all I know to say.

Bye.

I'll be here next week.

Maybe another weekday show.

I love those daytime shows.

Don't you guys love them?

Yeah.

All right.

We'll see if I'll do one.

Good luck with that.

We don't need the hero.

We don't need him.

He's ready.

Number two.

Calls (47, 2 h 51 min of 4 h 20 min)

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