Car Private Parts

Carlito. And I'm here with Dwight.

Hey, Dwight. Good afternoon, bitches.

Let's do prank calls.

Quickly, quickly, let's do prank calls.

I don't have much time. Do you find numbers?

I have some, but did you get

anything else? I don't know. I thought people

were going to supply us. Yeah,

I got some in Kentucky.

Probably Kentucky's small,

but we can do it. Redneck-ish.

This came from two days ago. It's from the

free paper. Oh, dude.

Homeboy highlighted for me all

the numbers. That's awesome. Thank you.

you very nice look at that great care all right i appreciate that let's do it first one is

the first one is for adrenal a company called adrenaline cycles looking for full-time motivated

salesperson adrenaline cycles i'm guessing motor like oh no that's shit i read the wrong one the

one i got here is for a class a cdl driver there we go damn i had a good thing for the adrenaline

I was going to talk about menstrual cycles.

I'm a little excited.

Okay, CDL driver, I'll take the first one.

You've reached me with Mink's Landscape Contractors.

Your call is very important.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me change the caller ID first to the local one.

Then we'll continue.

It's all sense of security and whatnot for these people to answer the phone.

I'm going to redial.

You've reached me with Mink's Landscape Contractors.

Your call is very important.

That one went straight to voicemail.

Try adjusting.

What a fish.

It wasn't a fuck you button.

It just didn't get to her.

You've reached Tammy with Minx Landscape Con.

She's on the line or turned the phone off.

One of the two.

Oh, well.

Okay.

Next on the list, Machine.

Divers Co. is hiring janitorial cleaning techs.

Dwight, I got to give it to you.

Sorry.

All right.

By default, this one is claimed already, guys.

Let's see if they pick up.

I hope it's not too late.

It is Kentucky, and it's 4.14 p.m.

Waited too long, but something came up.

Your penis?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's this call between 8 and 4.

Damn it, I had to wait until tomorrow.

Unknown Candace can't come to the phone right now.

Hi, unknown.

Oh, it told me my name.

That must cost money to look that up.

Grill cooks and servers wanted.

I still want Dwight to do it.

I don't know why.

This is the Limestone Grill.

Limestone Grill, this is Tasha.

Can I help you?

How you doing there?

You got a, I saw an ad for you look at cooks.

That's what you're looking for.

Yeah, that's me.

I do cooking.

You come in for, we do walk-in applications.

Yeah, I don't really do application in interviews.

I just start working.

I love this new angle of yours.

Okay, no, I'll come in and, you know, I'll come in and I'll start working

because I got a chef's hat and a spatula.

I'm a really important fucking man.

Let's see if we can get him.

That was awesome.

Let me talk to the cook.

Let me talk to the man.

Say that to her.

Yeah, that's the other thing.

I'll talk to Webbit.

Put the man on the phone.

yeah put that man on the phone uh obviously we're not getting things done talking to the female

i'm sorry i don't think we want you up here so ma'am let me talk to the kitchen guy there

oh you hear him hang up already yeah that motherfucker

during that last show i love just keep telling like different ways telling people how fucking

important i am i'm like i have a telephone and a headset i'm very fucking important

That's like me copying Will Ferrell saying,

I'm trying to have a dog to try this.

I yelled at one guy.

I was like, I have something in a GED.

I'm really fucking important.

I'll try this one.

Full-time site manager needed for apartments in London,

the city of London.

Well, in the United States, in Kentucky.

Some computer skills required.

$9.25 an hour.

Jesus.

Plus benefits.

Thank you for calling Homeland Incorporated.

Please listen carefully.

Oh, it says until 6.30 to the 3.30.

If you know the extension of the person you're calling, you may enter it now.

So they have a general thing.

If you do not know the extension of the person you're calling,

please dial 9 for our company directory of last names.

At any time during this message, you can dial 0 for the operator for immediate...

Thank you.

Thank you for calling Homeland Incorporated.

Please listen carefully for our extension number...

All right, I hit 0.

Either you didn't hear it or you're not going to play.

Looking on various street corners...

I'm going to find a better target.

...standing on the corner...

but help wanted handyman to do yard work clean and maintain landscaping mulch paint and clean

apartments spouting okay the news that the revolution is coming and you better get ready

sort of like the end of the world is coming unfortunately the world is just going to drag on

we got a hair salon looking for barbers cosmetologists and massage masturbate the feet

yeah oh you got a help wanted handyman to do yard work clean and maintain landscaping mulch

painting clean apartments you have a help wanted ad for a handyman hey don't uh mess around with

me and don't give me any shit because i have an accent i'm looking for jobs put a man on the phone

missy well thank you yeah i don't understand why you're putting women on the phone over there when

they don't know what they're talking about stupid women like that who you kind of stupid woman you

bastard that woman that woman that was just on the phone is a stupid woman i tell you what

fuck you no you no fuck you fuck you first oh fuck you you had to rear back to get it all

i did dial it wrong i see the digit i got wrong but that was good i'll try them again

fuck you if they pick up take them dwight i already got them warmed up

Oh, not landscaper, okay.

Hello, you got an ad for a landscaper.

I'm sorry, why would you be saying this?

He had a speakerphone that time so his wife could hear him being a man.

Okay, I'll leave him be.

Maybe you're eager to claw.

Okay, this is the right number for handyman.

Yeah, handyman.

I should just dial random numbers in this town.

Shit.

Apparently it's Dwight's birthday today.

Yay, Dwight.

Happy birthday.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

You got a job help wanted for Handyman?

You have to call him tomorrow.

Oh, what the fuck are you doing then?

Ma'am, sir?

Yeah, what are you fucking doing then?

What do you do there?

That is none of your business.

Don't you call back here again either.

You shut up.

I don't want to be working there soon.

You don't understand.

That was too funny.

You shut it.

Don't call back here no more.

Don't you come down here.

Don't work.

I just love the incredulism of saying shit like that to people

people when you're looking for really hey boy how you doing i see you got a job help wanted for

handyman you're the one that just called no this is a completely different person this is the first

time i call okay all right so uh welcome uh i got five years experience i used to be the main

handyman and maintenance guy apartment complex i used to run called horse machine ranch right now

i'm looking for work because they got bought out by a different company and they didn't keep me

their own they have their own staff come in you know yeah well i've already got somebody hired and

if uh god damn it i'll give you a call god damn it and that's that fucking bitch over there said

that shit to you right huh do what that fucking bitch over there said that shit to you that i

just called and said that shit didn't she that's why you're saying that you're lying because she

said that because i got somebody hired you're lying because she says some shit about me damn

Now I got somebody hired.

Damn it.

Where did he show up?

I thought he was out.

Yeah, I don't know.

You know what I'm saying?

You always got to say, put him on.

Hey, man.

Come on, man.

I'll suck your dick really good if you let me get an interview at least.

No, I'm not interested.

Come on, man.

I don't buy it.

I don't use my teeth for nothing.

I've regressed.

You guys have made me regress.

Ken, it's your turn if you want.

You can pass if you'd like.

Part-time help for Show Kennel.

Must have transportation and be available weekdays and weekends.

What a piece of shit ringtone.

Hey, I'm sorry, but I hate any highlighter color that's not yellow.

Green and pink and shit just...

The pink just pisses me off.

Because looking at it just makes me angry.

That color.

And highlighter green is retarded.

You can't really ever see through it.

It's always too dark.

Same thing goes for blue.

Blue isn't that bad.

Blue's okay.

Yellow is the way to go every time.

time uh orange if you want to make a differentiation between two different ones but green

is the worst pink fucking fucking green no i'd say pink is the worst for me because it just

makes pisses me off look at that call i'm just i just get fucking angry i do look at the pink

highlighter it just doesn't make you feel at peace that's why they say you know they paint

prison walls blue and shit why they painted pink like that you'd be like all right do you want a

kennel job yeah sure yeah sure yeah i think this is the right number i think i read it right

engage how you doing you got a ad up for a kennel job yeah there's an ad up here for some uh some

helping a kennel dad what the fuck are you doing answering the phone boy yeah you got a ad up here

for a kennel job some helping a kennel with some dogs yeah this is this phone number motherfucker

you wasting my time listen you want to fight are you you come on down you bring your son

Son, I want you to get an ass whooping.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, your son will see what kind of pussy you really are, and then I'll be his father.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you.

You putting fake ads out for jobs and don't have any?

This is Dwight, and you putting up fake job listings, and then you don't have jobs,

and then you're trying to waste my fucking time.

Yeah, you don't know who I am, motherfucker.

I'm the rootin' tootin' motherfucker around these parts.

They keep hanging up and picking back up.

Maybe they want this.

Bye, guys.

411, how may I help you, sir?

411 information how can i help you raider hang on let me try next time i think they did finally

it's time to leave it i'll let it go that's funny that was the wrong it was the wrong number

actually dude this is great the misstyles i love this area the kids fucking like i think it's a

prank call dad what the fuck you answer the phone for boy daddy it's a prank call

Caller on the phone.

Some of them New York rent calls.

From Howard Stearns.

Calling him back, Dwight.

Who is it?

Hey, how you doing, boy?

Hello?

Hey, how you doing, boy?

I'm getting a record.

I'm calling Sheriff.

We're saying you get off the house.

Hey, you shut up, motherfucker.

I'm someone else.

You shut up, motherfucker.

Hey, I'm someone else.

Do what you want.

I got to tell you, I'm out of toilet paper.

You're what?

I'm out of toilet paper.

Well, you want me to do that?

Bring me some.

Can you bring me some toilet paper?

Hell, I wouldn't bring you nothing.

Come on, then lick my asshole.

you like my ass mother i will if you do let's see let's see come on yep phone company i'll get it

here in a minute we'll find out i need a dial tone really is that how that fucking works yeah

you got that job hello hello i'm picking back up the circuit drop that time he's getting ready to

call 9-1-1 i mean uh star six seven i think but i gotta save the sound effect i should have had

it a long time ago i gotta take a shit i gotta take a big shit we're gonna uh dwight we're gonna

take a shit right dwight you can talk now i'm gonna take a big shit big fucking shit yeah we're

taking a shit over here i'm hoping that hello nothing i got him recording on tape now damn it

but yes i am gonna save that sound effect it's very important to have here it is again it's one

of brad carter's favorite sounds it's probably his favorite he probably jerks off to that sound

I was like, oh, yeah, listen to it in 7.1 surround sound.

Whose turn was that?

I don't know.

I'm calling the right number now.

And again, this is for show kennel.

Helps, I guess, like show dogs and shit.

I don't think horses go in kennels.

I think it's just for dogs, as far as I know.

Dwight, you can tell him he used to show bears.

This is Howard Stern.

To the tone.

God damn it.

Yes, you're there.

I'm going to try to call back the previous people.

Dwight, where are you?

Dwight, you're killing me.

Hey, how you doing?

Pretty good, how you doing?

Good.

Not good at all.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you have that?

I need to see if you can look up a part, please.

Okay.

It's for a car machine.

What kind of car is it?

It's a Honda car.

Honda car.

Okay.

What part?

It's the part for the main machine that make it go.

The motor?

No, no, no.

That's not a part, silly.

Okay, what part are you looking for?

It's the main part that goes inside the car that makes it go.

The engine?

No, that's a collection of parts and stuff.

I mean the main part, the main machine.

Okay.

Yeah.

The car won't start, so I need to get that one part.

The starter?

I don't know.

Whatever makes it go.

Whatever makes the car go, because the car doesn't go, can use...

What year Honda?

99 Honda Accord.

2.3 or 3.0?

It's the four-cylinder VTEC one.

I think it's a 3.0.

It's a 2.3.

control center shit all right okay i'd have to order your starter for you well no it's not the

starter it's the part the other the main part which part down where the organs are i have no

idea what you're talking about man do you know the organs on the car i have no idea can you put

a man on the phone maybe that knows if you can tell me what parts you need tell you if i can

get it or not it's private to be honest with you okay private parts okay yeah they go near the

The sexual organs of the car.

Oh, okay.

You know how the car uses it to put inside the girl car to make it go?

Oh, okay.

To get a new car?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Can I get a man with a bigger dick on the phone?

Okay.

Hold on just a second.

I'll let you talk to somebody else.

Like a big dick black man.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I need the part for the car.

Pardon?

I need the part for the car.

You need the part for the car?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, what part?

The main part.

Which is?

The one, the main part that makes it go, the cargo.

Cargo.

One of the main parts that makes the car go would be the engine.

Is that what you need?

No, not the whole engine.

Just one part of it.

Just the main part of it.

I don't need the whole engine.

I need the main part, the one part, you know, that goes there.

Okay.

Well, when you find out what that is, you call me back and let me know, okay, so I can look it up.

It's the one that the car uses on the girl car, the boy car and the girl car, to make a baby car, you know, when it comes time.

Oh, yeah? Is that right?

When two cars love each other very much, yeah.

Uh-huh.

What would that be called?

I think it's called the private parts.

Oh, really?

Of the car, yeah.

Okay.

Unfortunately, I don't have that available.

Anything else I can help you with?

I went to Pet Boys to have them determine the gender of the car,

and they looked under it, and they said they couldn't tell for sure.

They knew for sure it wasn't a female, they said,

but that it was missing the private parts back there,

like where the muffler end is.

Yeah, that sucks, man.

And I probably should go back to Pet Boys and find out.

No, they said that I have to buy the part, that you guys could do it.

It's like a private part that goes down there.

Oh, so Pet Boys, which is where?

This is the Pet Boys in Williston, North Dakota.

Williston, North Dakota.

I told you to come, or to call here, London, Kentucky.

Well, I drove down here.

I used to work on the oil fields up there, but I got laid off, so I can't do it.

Oh, that sucks.

Okay.

Whenever you're serious about getting a part, you call me, alright?

I am, I am.

See ya.

It's ready for a new car.

It's time.

So I gotta get these cars to fucking, you know?

Hello?

What are...

Dwight, where are you?

Dwight!

I'm here, I'm here.

Oh my god, I was gonna start yelling real obnoxiously.

Hey, there was a Facebook post that I put on yesterday.

I don't know if you read it, Dwight, but I did after I posted it.

That's part of the problem with me sometimes is I don't read before I post things.

But regardless, the update for the 10-year anniversary show that's on the 16th of this month, it's on a Thursday, I wanted to update that.

I originally said I wanted to do 12 hours, but after speaking to my legal counsel, my family, and also other staff members, it was suggested probably I should reduce that down to eight hours.

My doctor specifically said that it wasn't a good idea for me to do 12 hours, and he wouldn't approve it.

he wouldn't sign off on it and if that happens then workers compensation will cut my claim

and we can't have that so uh that's not a good thing you need that check man i was uh i'll fill

you in when we're off the air but another dashy tool i was messing with okay all right i got it

i was laughing my balls off okay all right um so yeah it's gonna be an eight hour show my plan is

to do the show from 4 p.m to midnight eastern standard time thursday july 16th um i have

secured and this is up to the minute here i'll let you know the status on people first of all

uh reclude um i have one last lead that i'm working on there is uh a person on facebook that

worked or works with him at the recording studio that he works used to at least used to work at

that he helped found in columbus i don't know if he still works there last time we talked to him

he was talking about moving to tampa or to california on different entertainment um industry

uh jobs that were available to him i don't know where he ended up um i did pay some money and and

trace some numbers down that match his name um but most of them went to one family who's who the

person with the same name real name is reclude of recludes um we she was real nice to me she

She was a sweetheart, older lady, but she said no, you know, because he's younger.

He didn't serve in the military and he didn't work at a recording studio.

So, but she was real helpful.

She doesn't know him, unfortunately, from the same town and all that, but doesn't know him.

So maybe I'll share this on Facebook.

Maybe I'll tag her in a post.

But there's a chick that used to work with him at that studio.

She's listed as the studio manager now or something like that, like one of the people in charge.

so she might at least have an idea like where he moved to or have a way to contact him um so i

might ask the community support and maybe facebook bombing her to at least give us a response because

i haven't heard back from her yeah that's the first one second one is crazy fucker uh one of

our listeners is actively looking for him based on his name and other information that i knew from

From him, it's not looking good, but that still might be a possibility.

Have we checked the prison rosters?

he may be and if that's the case i will get a toll-free number just for him to be able

able to call from you know from the from the pen um but unfortunately no not maybe yeah maybe get

him on the phone cards yeah you know who we should try to call suge knight suge suge knight and him

were in the same cell block oh really really yeah they were in the same cell block when suge went

down right after pock got shot you know he spent a few years for they got him not for pock's death

but for the fight that he got in and all that stuff while the night that pock died um so yeah

Yeah, he said he was actually a pretty cool guy.

No one fucked with him.

Anyway, all right, so we're still working on those two.

I've got confirmations, however, from Zolar.

Spoke to Zolar last night.

I spoke to Dr. Lego last night.

They are both in.

I spoke to Prankmaster last night.

He said he's in also.

Sean Ward confirmed with me.

Tuck, Big Mike, Tucker, Tuck Mike.

Tuckermike.com will be there.

Dino from Syndicate confirmed that he's going to be there.

Evil already said he'll make an appearance, too.

I'll be there.

Well, all the PCN people are invited, of course, for the last part.

It's going to be every three hours I'm going to do something

and end with the PCN crew of us all together for the last three hours.

The beginning is going to be more of the guys from back in the day.

I've got Andy, my good friend Andy, who started the show with me.

We both started it together pretty much.

He's going to be around.

Did I say Jim Stewart already?

yeah uh jonathan the grinch dj glowworm is going to be there i'm still waiting on hearing back from

kdk yes i did find kdk i actually communicated with him via phone this morning and we've been

texting we haven't come to an agreement yet but um there that we have opened uh you know uh a line

of dialogue of diplomatic dialogue and i'm hoping that he's excited as i am of the possibility of

of there being a real full PC reunion, it won't be the same.

We've got Zolar and Dr. Lego, and Ted Webb would more than likely be able to join us.

All we would need to complete that is, well, Recklet would be nice too,

but if not, of course, KDK.

It's going to be hard to have a PC reunion without KDK.

So if you have KDK on Skype, if you have him on Facebook, whatever it is,

reach out to him and tell him

we're not going to troll him, we're not going to make

fun of him, I'm not going to make fun of him

I won't stand for anyone doing that for him

whatever's happened has happened

it's in the past, I just want to see

this reunion happen, it'll be awesome

it'll be so cool for us just to shoot the shit

you can imagine if me, Zolhar

and Lego and KDK were just

shooting the shit about how we started and all those

stupid drama wars we used to have

we're over it now, but it'll be so fucking

fun, it'll give

Give KDK a chance maybe to come back into the prank call game.

Maybe he could even come on PCN.

I wouldn't be opposed to that.

He's KDK, and I have to thank him.

For me, having done this show for 10 years, and he himself says all the time,

a lot of that is thanks to him.

And Milkman and I say it all the time on the air.

It's been a while since we have, but we probably wouldn't have had a show

had KDK not come out once and said he wanted to make more of a network for PCU

and want a new host.

If it wasn't for that, I never probably would have gotten into it, Zolar probably never would have gotten into it, and PCN never might have existed, you know?

Blah, blah, blah.

So anyway, if you have KDK on your contacts, Facebook, Twitter, whatever he's got with you, let him know.

You want to hear him on that show on July 16th, and it's not to mess with him or anything.

I'm still waiting on hearing back from Hollywood Vanya.

sent them an email uh haven't heard back and also big will who used to help me co-host a show

around 2007 2006 for that period of time um all right and that's it i i extended an offer to the

dad he said fuck off i don't know what that means but he's allowed he's more than welcome

that'd be great to have him on during the whole pcu thing and uh ted webb i haven't formally asked

That's somebody I know without a shadow of a doubt.

That would be awesome to have Ted Webb and KDK together.

Those are the two that started PCU, which eventually led to this whole Prank Call community.

This Prank Call community really started back then in its first formative years before I even started.

We're talking 2004.

But, oh, well.

Okay.

Have I talked enough about it?

Do it.

So everyone harass KDK.

And there we go.

Let's go.

Yeah, harass KDK so we can get him on the non-harassing show.

Yes.

Yes. And Prankmaster, man, that's going to be awesome.

Hearing Zolar and Prankmaster talk about the recent drama and beef,

getting them to work together for the first time in about a year.

That's going to be great.

We could talk about when KDK fucked Siobhan.

I was talking about this a few weeks ago, but it'd be great to hear from Zolar.

And Prankmaster was there the night before with them hanging out.

That'll be great. It'll be awesome.

It'll be awesome to see what Sean Ward is up to.

he's he's got a whole fucking web blog and video and youtube show going on that'd be awesome to you

know give him a chance to share that with the community i'm real excited i'm real excited about

this getting ready to it's it's starting to shape up we're coming close so yeah all the invites went

out this week and we got some good responses still looking for those two guys recluting crazy

fucker um if they if i can't get them i will definitely at least make a a a few minutes long

audio tribute that we can play um all right sorry dwight let's go let's get some pranks out of here

before we gotta shut down here i get about 45 minutes maybe plus uh of time left here um i can

call some swap shop numbers we can keep looking for work those calls may or may not answer at

this time unless we miss dial them i guess um you got any ideas dwight you don't care you're like

you're down for whatever all right i'm gonna hold off on the job calls i'm really sorry guys i know

know a lot of people were excited about that but oh yeah i forgot i was muted yeah whatever comes

our way yeah the problem being it got late if anyone has access last time i did a show like

this uh some i think some people were getting access to uh job wanted numbers out west that

were open and it's still 148 for example in california and such so if anyone has a source

for job numbers out in that k in that area elkie i think elkie was the one that did that actually

let me look i bet you it was elky yeah it was elky yep there we go elky uh hooked us up last

time he was getting numbers for dietary aids and rain gutter installers and elky's gonna look now

so cool let's do something else in the meantime uh-huh uh-huh uh we got a 1969 chevy truck with

grill dents and dings 35 dollar camper this guy has a lot of shit he's got a lot of car stuff i

i don't know uh garage sale rain or shine today and tomorrow um items must go new unused and some

used furniture new boys bicycles girls clothes newborn to adult boys and girls toys reclining

sofa lots of knickknacks etc too many items to mention and uh open eight o'clock to question

mark all right let's do it do you want a garage sale dwight or sure all right you heard what they

they got for sale and clothes yeah toys bikes smell them bike seats yeah now do what you want

shut up speak american gotta remember to dial that one

how you doing you got the uh the garage sale thing going on yeah yeah i was interested in the uh the

bikes you got the bikes yeah does it do uh does it make sounds like it there's a vroom vroom and

And then it has, like, the little, what, tassels that come out of the handlebars, 17-inch.

What weight capacity could be on this thing?

I'm sorry?

How much weight can we put on it?

I don't know.

You don't know?

All right.

How much do you want for it?

$30.

All right, I'll give you $30.

I'm going to come down there, and you still got the garage sale going right now?

Yes, sir.

I'm going to come down there.

I'm going to get that bike, and I'm going to give you the $30.

bucks and then what i want you to do is i want you to bend over so i can put it right up your

fucking ass yeah i want you to just i'll give you 30 bucks you bend over and i'm putting a bike up

your ass i'll come right on down and i'll show your wife what a real man is and then you know

after bikes up your ass i'm gonna go fuck her and put my dick in her ass get a better phone what are

you on a cordless who the fuck does that these days so 90s he was obviously on a fucking cordless phone

and way too far from the base.

He just started walking away.

Fuck, I ain't going to hang up.

I'm going to walk away

until the signal drops.

He was about to get wound up.

He's like,

oh, come on down.

Come on down, motherfucker.

I just don't think he wanted that 30 bucks.

He's like, all right, come on down.

We'll put the bike up my ass.

He left the phone off the hook.

He did, seriously.

He's probably still talking shit to it.

He doesn't realize that it cut out.

Oh, you was going to make noises now, huh?

Stupid.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

is fake you're doing it uh looks like i've been invited to a uh a shared uh work doc here awesome

um elky's asking me okay elky's uh getting the numbers here they're starting to come in we'll

do one more off of the swap shop and by then we'll see if we got anything else um i have okay

no phone number for that yard sale never mind i don't have it uh someone here's a different yard

yard sale three family yard sale on the 9th 10th and 11th bro that's like two that's a week away

that's too early to be advertising that let me complain about that that's my complaint it's like

fuck i'm trying to get a fucking space in the swap shop i'm trying to advertise mine while your

party is reached it's favorite song tell me hello hello yeah hey you have a uh item on the radio

swap shop you put down you're having a three family yard sale yes yeah but that's not until

till next weekend not this weekend right right it's next weekend but look i'm trying to advertise

my garage sale that's not fair my garage sales this weekend you're filling it up with the uh

garage sale i don't even come up till next week you can't do that you're messing me up yes you

know you should don't tell me you got a garage sale on the same day and they can't fucking put

it on the same day as yours be claiming their garage sales i'll be selling shit the same day i

i am she ain't gonna pick up that time damn it man the garage sales shut down successfully shut

down you hear that sexual organ prank call that i found at random today i forgot that i was playing

organ music there and that's how big are the goat sexual organs you start losing your shit it's like

oh man i just like asking that yeah i got problems all right here's a job for an auto

Autoglass Technician in Mesa, Mesa, Phoenix, Arizona.

Mesa, Arizona.

You want it, Dwight?

Sure.

Glass Tech, Autoglass Tech.

I'll copy-paste you these ads.

Hello, this is Stephanie.

How you doing?

You got a position open for some Autoglass Technician?

Absolutely.

Are you an experienced technician?

Yeah, I've been doing it for 10 years now.

Oh, fantastic.

All right.

Do you have a time that you can come by, fill out an application?

We can talk a little bit about your experience, what you're looking for?

Well, I can show you the experience.

I don't do applications.

You know, I just come down and I just start working.

We're a national company, and I'm going to require an application.

And, frankly, there's why, I don't know, 10, 15 pieces of paper you have to fill out.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's a fine and dandy, but I don't do that.

I'm not normal.

You know, I have glass, and I have hands, and I have hammers, and, you know, it makes me a really fucking important person.

Listen, I have a GED, and, you know, we'll get this done.

So what time should I start work tomorrow?

All right.

Well, thank you so much for your call.

I really appreciate it.

Ma'am, what's going on here?

What time?

You didn't give me a time.

No, you know, I'm really looking for team players, people to join the company and be here for a long time.

I'm sorry.

I'll be there at 8 o'clock.

What's my pay rate?

So, again, thank you so much for calling, but I think I'm going to have to call you.

No problem.

But what time do I start work tomorrow?

I don't want to be late.

No, I'm sorry.

I can't help you with that.

Okay, well, about 8 o'clock?

Is that when the door's open?

No, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you what?

I don't understand.

You're doing woman talk.

Is there a man I can speak to?

Because you're not the owner.

You're a funny man.

Good luck finding a job, buddy.

I'll be down there tomorrow.

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I only need professional people that can do the job.

I'm all fucking professional.

I used to go down and I would break people's windshields on purpose just to drum up business.

You don't know what kind of man you're missing.

Oh, it sounds like fraud to me.

no no it's not fraud i send these workers i pay the blacks the little ethnic kids that go out and

they they go on baseball baseball hit windshield boom i fix it no no no not interested i pay him

five dollars i'm telling you it's good lucrative business there she goes we got big jayad what's

up man how's my how's vacation your vacation or just started nice nice yes so i seen you guys

were on and i was like you know i'm bored at home calls yeah we picked up your show last week too

yep yeah i picked up it was a good friday night show it was i listened to what ah shit i listened

to well i sent you messages i was listening to one yesterday and yeah what was it it was

fucking hilarious though it was that shit where you it was where you had that old lady tripping

out about the fucking the tj maxx lady yes the best buy tj maxx shit yeah dude you had her you

talked to her then you put llama on then you talk to her again and then it's a different person and

then then you're like no no no i'll i'll take care of it you motherfuckers you put that shit back in

the fucking boxes or i'll fuck it well he called he called back later like after closing and he's

He's like, so you're going to come get this stuff or what?

She's like, okay, just leave the three boxes and lock up.

Well, there's only one box left.

Yeah, there's only one box left.

We'll get the one box.

You started off telling me there were seven.

Now there's only one.

And you refer to it as a swap.

It's a swap.

No, we take their stuff and they take our stuff.

It's like a swap.

It evens out eventually.

started downgrading hers you know it's not the same as you know stereos coming in or something

you're talking about t-shirts and what was funny too is the way you started that call is just like

you're starting a different one where you said yeah the shirts are in the bags and then they

were a little bit confused and so then you just switched over on them yeah because yeah yeah we

got seven boxes yeah yeah that's a ticket dude i was rolling yeah and i'm trying to get to like

Like, oh, well, they don't really.

Can you guys please not?

They're not listening.

Like, I'm intimidated by the dudes that work, the black dudes that work there.

Here's a paid.

Push me around.

This is for a paid activist job to protect clean water.

If you want it, Jaya, you can.

If not, I'll take it.

If you don't feel pranky, it's okay.

I guess, yeah.

It's in Phoenix.

Hello, campaign.

This is Colin.

Yeah, you had the paid activist jobs?

Excellent. Tell me about how it works.

Right, sure. Well, we're working in Phoenix, Arizona.

Okay.

Essentially, the issue is the Water Act.

Okay, yes.

We've seen major polluters carve loopholes in these laws, and it's left 120,000 miles of our streams unprotected from pollution.

Yes, yes, yes.

Let me, because see, here's the thing is I am a professional paid activist, so I go around and I do things.

things and so i'm currently also being paid as an activist for um the basically the supporters

of the confederate flag so right now i have a confederate flag shirt and tattoo on my head

and so i'm going to kind of be mixing the two together so is that going to be a problem um you

know i find a gig maybe talk to you know very i'll stick to the trailer parks that's all right

because I'm going to stick to the trailer parks.

And, you know, like I said, right now I have a Confederate flag tattoo on my forehead.

I'll get it covered up.

If you guys pay good enough, I'll get it covered up with some kind of, you know,

pro-clean water, you know, tattoo if need be.

But right now, you know, I kind of got to, you know,

I got my hands in several cookie jars just so I can pay the bills, you know, so.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, we can get back to you about a job.

Yeah, my name is Ryan Token.

yep oh okay if i could just have an email and a good number to reach at okay um well right now

i don't quite have a phone um because you know the economy you know you know so i'm gonna go

i'll go ahead i'll give you my email okay it's um confederate flag lovers and and queer kickers

at gmail.com okay awesome ryan uh if we you know uh yeah and then if you really need to get a hold

of me though um a real good way is uh smoke signals okay so just you know like build a fire

and and then just take a blanket wave the smoke up in the sky using sos smoke signals yeah yeah

for sure that's that's how the racist in texas got a hold of me so it works gotcha well thank

Thank you very much for your good rest of your day.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

I'm an activist.

Call him, sir.

You always see those.

He was still there.

I know he was.

I heard his name.

You always see those things out there for the water activist things.

They're all over the place.

You know what's crazy is I tried to put an ad out once trying to pay people to be an

activist, and a bunch of people bitched at me, and my ads got ripped down.

They said, it shouldn't be like this, but apparently it's okay with water.

Yeah.

Well, there we go.

I don't know.

Water, water, man.

Fucking water.

i should i should have brought up that trump paid me to be in his audience

yeah i make my career out being fake yeah i was kind of bummed you know i went on hiatus and

the fucking news has gone wild i was thinking of so many cool ads i could place about confederate

flags and and you know gays getting married and all that shit so yeah man do you took

yeah that's when the 7-11 7-11 pranks busted loose yeah i heard that i heard you i didn't

hear it but i heard that you got somebody to fucking put mentos in a pop which oh i got like

five of them just how the hell do they fall for that how do they fall for that because it's not

like it's unknown it's not like you're doing no i just mean they know what's gonna happen right

no they don't really because i mean i mean that was such a popular thing i thought just everybody

kind of knew it would happen i mean it'd be once uh there was one guy one of them yeah he's like

wait a minute you want me to put mentos in a daiko you know what happens when you do that

that right and i said no no no that's only with regular coke that happens he goes he goes he goes

oh okay yeah so he fucking puts it in and starts bubbling over he's like oh my god i said what what

happened he goes just what i thought would happen i said yeah you probably shouldn't have did that

should have listened to yourself but he's like really yeah he was fucking pissed yeah just

listen to dwight's like last two shows maybe last i got them up on youtube yeah oh they're

up on youtube there you go yeah yeah i've been so busy at work i've been barely able to listen

to shows i like two tuesdays ago i got like five of them just in one show that is that is incredible

oh another ad that i thought of i could placed was um hiring for a new dukes of hazard movie

and then talk about you know that we're going to turn the american the the the confederate flag is

now going to be the gay rights flag and what are you going to call instead of generally what would

you call it i don't know oh god who's a gay activist or something you could make it the

Oh, the Caitlyn Jenner.

The General Leslie.

The Caitlyn Jenner or something.

I don't know.

The General Jerome.

The Queen something.

I don't know.

And this new one, like one of the brothers, one of the cousins has to be black.

Yeah.

Yeah, Cooter, we're actually going to, we're actually going to, because of the new laws, we have to make Cooter black.

But his name is Pussy now.

We're just going to change it.

because that's okay you can be vulgar just don't fucking flag all right i got a job here i really

want to call back for that activist job i had an idea let me change my go for it i'm going to

change my color ideas the guy seems like he'll play along for a minute yeah well what i noticed

is on their website they're talking about you know such and such congress roman is against them

i'm gonna call i'm i don't know if have either of you ever watched house of cards it's like

no i know it's a political joke yeah it's like a political show where they're always like you

You know, I got this info on this congresswoman.

You know, I'll give it to your pack if you're interested.

Shit, I didn't change the crawler ID.

Oops.

That might give it away, but maybe he's bored.

He got a kick out of that anyways.

What I'm going to say is really why.

Yeah, and I don't think he's going to tell you that he won't hire you

because he wouldn't tell me and I have a tattoo of a Confederate flag.

Whatever, man.

If you got money or if you want to fucking work.

Sometimes they pay by signature and shit like that, which actually.

Hi, I'm Dana.

Yes, hi.

Is this regarding the water campaign, Environment Arizona?

The manager is not here right now.

Well, do you know who Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick is?

No.

Can you ask someone there if they know who, tell them I have information about Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick that you guys are really going to want.

This is important.

Well, I'm the only one here right now.

You need to tell somebody right now.

Now, I have evidence that's going to kill their case to block the Clean Power Plan.

You need to get this information.

You need to take care of this now.

Yeah, but who do you want me to tell to?

There's nobody else here.

Everyone fucking left?

Can you give me the phone number of the manager, the guy that was just answering?

This is the manager's number.

I'm going to let him know how you're talking to me right now.

No, listen.

We have your number on the call ID.

Please, please.

And I'm going to let him know what attitude you have

because that's not a good attitude to call somebody.

I'm rich. I'm rich, and I talk like that.

I'm sorry. Listen.

Okay, I need to call, but when the owner is here,

I'm going to let her know that you called.

Yeah, but also let her know that I have...

I'll call someone else.

Bullshit, the manager isn't here.

How come instant message isn't available?

What the fuck?

Instant message, where?

On Skype, I've never had it happen.

All of a sudden, I seen on my phone they were coming through,

and then all of a sudden on my computer,

I can't type anything to you guys.

Are you logged in somewhere else?

Oh, now I can.

I just said, okay.

Okay, good.

Good.

Never mind.

Careful with that login in multiple places at once, because it'll get you banned sometimes.

Experienced counter clerk and pressers.

Pressers.

Where did wet stuff come from?

I don't know what a counter clerk.

I know what a counter.

Pressers?

Presser, yeah.

Presser.

Like a press operator.

I don't know if it means like press.

Cora cleaners.

Isn't it cleaner?

Oh, press and close.

Oh, it was on the side.

Oh, yeah.

The ceiling is leaking.

All right, that ain't going down.

Entry-level drivers, no experience necessary in Phoenix.

There it goes.

Thank you for calling.

Quality of service, this call may be recorded.

Thank you for calling Warner.

If you are an experienced driver with your commercial driver's license,

please press 1 to be connected to our recruiter.

No.

All right, I got a CDL chauffeur position and stuff.

Yeah, hi, you're looking for entry-level drivers.

Drivers?

Do you have your Class A CDL?

Well, it says no experience necessary.

Well, sorry, I was just asking.

Do you have your Class A CDL?

But it says no experience necessary.

Okay.

Can you please answer me?

Because it depends on where I need to send you, whether you have your Class A or not.

Entry-level drivers, no experience necessary.

Just a moment.

Okay.

Great.

It's another Mexican calling.

Good morning.

This is Tiffany.

Hi, this is your opportunity to join one of the country's biggest and most respected transportation and logistics company, right?

Well, how can I help you?

Yeah, it says here that Warner Enterprises has been in business for over 55 years

and has a solid...

Yeah, we started in 56.

Oh, wow.

Wow. And has a solid position in the industry.

Start your new career as a professional truck driver with Werner and enjoy the great pay and benefits of working with an established company.

Right?

Well, yeah. So how can I help you?

I have a CDL.

Okay.

And I have experience.

Do you have experience driving or?

Yeah, I drive.

You know, you put the, you get inside, sit down, check your mirrors, check your dead spots, and then you crank the engine on, you check your lights and your gauges, you check your fuel, you get out, you do a walk around, you look at all the tires, you kick them, you make sure they're inflated okay.

Well, no, I understand that.

What I'm, you're talking to student recruiting, so are you a recent graduate?

Do you have experience?

Yeah, because, see, I went to the school, and then I worked.

And then after all that, you open the door, you sit down in the cab,

and you put it in gear, and you go, you drive.

No, I understand that.

I need to know who you worked for.

You stop, you slow down, stop, look both ways, looking.

Okay, I need you to stop for a minute, and I need you to answer my question.

Okay, what's up?

Who did you work for, and for how long?

I worked for Mears Transportation for two years in Florida.

Okay, driving what?

God, driving like those big white trucks.

The big white trucks.

How long were they? Or how big were the trucks?

They're like 10 tons.

Were they 53 foot or no?

Were they tractor-trailer?

Yeah, tractor-trailer. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, and when was this?

This is 2002 to 2004.

Okay, in the last five years, how much experience have you had driving tractor-trailer?

I drove for International Tractor-Trailer Business Machines for the last five years.

I drove tractor-trailer.

Okay, and I was driving tractor-trailer?

Yes, tractor-trailer, cross-country, and I would go to the pilot station and take a shower, you know, and have a meal.

Have you applied for authority?

I only hire students, so you're talking to the wrong department.

So have you put in an application with authority?

No.

I would use the glory hole, too, and the showers.

Sometimes I would have glory holes.

Again, you've got to listen to me.

you're in the wrong department have you put in an application you put your member inside the glory

hole and go suck it from the other side okay i need you to come to the conversation with me

okay i need you to get to another department i cannot help you okay did you put in an application

and was sorry okay honey baby no i haven't yet honey all right hang on all right honey she's

still down okay we got crazy people working here it's not new let's get something else just dry

reading the fucking ad like okay i've had places tell me yes i know the ad i wrote i wrote it

myself but i've done that hey what day are you guys available next week during the day

like like thursday thursday all day i don't work you too dwight what's up are you available during

the day next thursday uh possibly because do you remember me bringing up a few months ago

go the whole set and meetings with businesses through uh outlook oh yeah i want to try i have

the week off next week and i'll be home around then so i was thinking about trying that wait

are we off the air is that what happened no no oh we're on hold i'm gonna let it go it's been too

long i sent you a nice little video to watch at your uh leisure there mr beef okay i was wondering

is it a prank call that's a webcam prank that i did to a dentist office

could you see the patient or just no i can see the chair and one of one of the rooms was open

it was an empty chair in there oh my god that's horrible why would they do that that's so oh no

it wasn't in the room it was like in their little office area the dentist chair i was like damn but

no i could see the dentist one of the doors was open and i could see into another room oh man and

it was an empty dentist chair but i was sitting there talking shit to all the uh dentist not the

a dentist but the uh dental hygienist i was talking shit through the camera adam cd they're

trying to figure out where the fuck it was coming from it doesn't sound hipa compliant this is a cdl

chauffeur position who wants it out of youtube go one moment please calls are recorded for quality

and training it's your turn dwight what is this how can i help you how you doing uh i'm looking

for the job uh for the uh chauffeur position yeah all right uh let me see let me get a little

come down if you want um what's your what's your first name my name is dwight all right and you

have uh all the qualifications on there you got cdl passenger endorsement all that good stuff

yeah i got a cdl uh i'm white you know caucasian and um i haven't had a dui in about 15 years

so i'm good to go okay so yeah we go back uh well as far as our driving record we go back

three years for the 38th month i think it is okay all right well that being the case when do you

think you can come down and we can get uh get you to fill out an application and go over probably

got an interview going oh yeah no i listen i don't do the application and interviews and stuff

i i got a cdl and that that's all you need to know i have a cdl and i gotta give them hell

attitude and i'm a very important fucking man and when do i sign up and come on down and get my

money well if you don't fill out an application then that ain't gonna happen i don't do that it's

because the government they're always they're always watching this stuff i don't want my name

in any more papers than necessary so um you you assign me a truck or i bring my own truck we have

all our vehicles we own the vehicles all right i'll come down what eight o'clock and i get the

keys from who no you have to go through uh we have to do a background check uh drug test uh

interview and then okay well no you were hitting on some points there okay um background check

like uh what what what's a disqualifier you try and not you know felonies or what's the deal

well we send it out and it's an off location place that does it for us they go back 10 years

they do uh fbi background checks okay uh basically basically if you'd be disqualified

for...

It's pretty much all the stuff

that the TSA would disqualify

for.

What's your

policy on hiring sex offenders?

We do not hire a sex offender

whatsoever.

It wasn't with the person.

Dogs. I used to have a kennel.

Drinking is a whole long story.

Drink a little too much, huh?

Drink a little too much.

Wife left. I fucked a couple dogs.

They closed my kennel.

I know, I know. So that shouldn't disqualify me, though, because it's not a regular, like, you know, sexual offense.

Yeah, we wouldn't look into what exactly the offense was.

Well, they didn't say it was actually animal cruelty, because I think actually a couple of dogs enjoyed it.

They didn't run or anything.

Right. That's funny.

And then, this is not funny. I was a real rough time.

I used to be on the cocaine and drinking, and it was quite heavily.

and i was doing an eight ball a night and i was staying up for six days and that's how i that's

how i get across the country now that's how instead of that no dough stuff because it's not good for

you so what i do is i do like an eight ball of coke and i just i just fucking drive for days on

end all right i guess that'll work on whatever it takes yeah yeah i i disguise it all the time

though i'm like oh no no bacon cake bacon cake and then right up the nose baking soda yep

yeah um i mean can i ask you a question you ever take like done a line of coke off another man's

dick no never have oh you're missing it you ever have a gummy you know do a little gummers they

put it on the man's dick with cocaine and you put it in your mouth and back and forth in your

mouth it gets you fucking crazy that was finally enough i was gonna say that guy must have been

bored because he there's no way he was gonna hire you no no i think a lot of times you just want

to see how far people go with the shit man that's good have you ever did you see the the what i

posted in there is have you guys ever done that one when they would start asking about background

checks oh tell me your background only goes back two years two years because you're in that yeah

you're you're in witness relocation then you can tell the story about what got you there like oh

shit i'm not supposed to be telling you that so well my i was involved i was involved with uh

a bestiality ring.

A mafia ran bestiality ring.

Dogfighting bestiality ring.

The Gambino family used to run a bestiality farm.

All right, the next one I got here is

Black African American Smokers for a Research Study.

That's such a weird ad.

That's so us.

Who posted that, me?

Hold on, let me look at my ads, make sure that one's not mine.

It's not in service.

I'll be back in, like, two seconds here.

Okay.

All right.

Earn cash now.

That's all I got.

Brittany says to earn cash now.

Jihad, you still up for a prank before we go?

Yeah.

I'm almost out of time.

Okay.

You'll be my partner.

We do this.

We'll tell him.

We earn cash together.

Hi, you've reached Brittany with Murray.

If you've reached my voicemail, I apologize.

I'm away from my desk.

I'm nothing if not persistent.

Yeah.

Cashier position available?

or i also got a french you've reached britney with murray hill if you also have a french bistro

needs a bus boy massage therapist it doesn't matter any of them will work security guard

at a golf course in beverly hills okay i think this it says 50 is that what's that all they pay

you you're forever a security guard for 50 forever indentured to them

room and board in a fifty dollars here's a link to the ad oh it's a class security guard course

let you shoot the gun and all that i always like to have to let me learn to twirl the gun and

bring in my own guns go gta and then they tell me no please leave your message for three one zero

two i was thinking if they told me no i was gonna start bitching because it always cracks me up

whenever you you do something they say yeah i don't know for it no i know my rights i'll

and i'll tell them it's constitution

all right here's the cashier then let's get old giant one more before he goes out of town

tell sex yeah hi you have a cashier position available yes i do oh i'm calling for my son

my son he's uh 28 he's interested in the job until four o'clock today or tomorrow after

after nine o'clock fill out an application and we'll interview him and i and i'm gonna come in

with him okay okay no problem all right i dad i don't know if i trust this lady huh you don't

trust her no she she's on i think she's the one that's been calling me oh she's the one you're

are you the one that's been calling him talking dirty at night no you sure there's been a mystery

lady's been calling him because he wakes up and he has a lot of like uh you know semen on him um

And he swears that it's someone who's calling him at night.

Lady, you sound just like the person who's been calling me.

Can you say cockthumper?

And then I can know if it's you or not.

No, I'm not.

This is getting really ridiculous.

Well, you're not the girl that's been calling saying sex stories to my son,

my 28-year-old son, when he's at night, when he's on Ambien.

We knock him out with Ambien every night because if not,

he just keeps talking and talking about Star Wars, stuff like that.

No, I'm not.

I think that, yeah, I heard it in the voice again.

Could you just say anal stretching?

Just to verify if it's you or not.

She's gone.

Okay.

It's getting awkward.

It's awkward from the start.

I'm calling for my son.

For my son.

Yeah.

My son.

She's like, oh, okay, sure.

Can I come with him?

Sure, yeah, you can come.

Yeah, why not?

yeah why not that's not gonna definitely make you a weirdo yeah i like i like that but you know

it's stealing from stepbrothers but the idea of interviewing as a team we're twins uh something

stupid like that okay hey automotive detailers and buffles needed yeah yeah i'll do it all right

good michael drevin wants me to shut up he sent me a private message and says i hear you with

carlito and the house bitch now shut up leave your name and number we'll get back with you shortly

I assume Dwight's the house bitch.

No answer there, Dwight.

Thank you for calling ERG.

You're unable to come to the phone.

Yeah, I'll enable my ass.

I'll enable them.

Owner-operators with authority?

I think that's for drivers, right?

Sounds like it.

Yeah.

Authority may be a company name?

With authority, that, or maybe that you can just do your own.

You're independent, you know?

Okay.

It might be.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, dry van, refrigerated, power, or flatbeds.

Okay, we should be a driving trio.

I'm the pace car that goes ahead in this little ice burner.

Yeah, you doing, you got an ad up here, you're looking for people to join authority?

The person you would need to talk to is already gone for the day.

Bitch!

You got a cell phone for him?

No, no, no, we don't give up.

Okay, well, then what the fuck do I need to do?

Because I'm supposed to start work tomorrow.

I got the CB, what's his handle?

Hello?

I'm coming down there at 8 o'clock tomorrow.

Application, no interview, none of that.

I'm coming down.

I'm going to get some keys.

I'm taking a fucking truck and going on a run.

He's gone.

I'll call him.

Okay, here he is.

Let me take him.

Hold on.

Same guy, right?

Yeah, I'm heading up East 9 on 42 over.

I'm heading.

I got a whole truckload of chickens.

I'm heading over to the East Bay there.

uh and i'm i'm totally stuck behind an accident here i'm gonna be a little late over uh no sir

i am definitely talking to you i got uh there's a couple of swines heading up the west side and i

got a truck full of chickens that are cooking in the sun and we're gonna have pretty unhappy

customers over yeah i've got nothing to do with that that's not one of our lives uh definitely

is definitely is i got it you know what i'm just gonna start pushing through the traffic here

I've got a couple of Smokies on my tail, but I think I can outrun them.

Over.

Good luck.

10-4, over and out.

That sounded just like a truck, right?

I don't know trucker talk.

I realized I had a good concept in my head, and I go, I don't know what truckers say.

Besides 10-4 and over and out.

Yeah, I don't know.

Good buddy, they say that a lot.

Good buddy.

I think it's a good concept to call a trucker place.

Oh, no, good buddy means you're gay.

If you say good buddy, it means you're telling them they're gay, I think.

I think.

I should have brought up lizard lots.

I got the smoky on my tail.

I got caught with three lizard lots in my truck.

I'm going to need to unload these chickens before they take me in.

What time it is?

5.33.

Maybe a couple more calls, a couple more, and then I've got to go.

you know i realize i'm when i go away for a little bit i realize how much i miss it

oh it drives me crazy trying to think of shit every week but then i miss it

uh new summer jobs exclamation point in los angeles call him and talk talk like trevor

talk like trevor from grand theft auto 5 oh yeah do you ever play the story mode i've been

been watching somebody do let's play hello and thank you for responding to our ad we do have

some terrific positions that are now available they're fun they're flexible they pay great i

haven't gotten as far as the performing arts and entertainment industry he's like throughout the

southern california area single player conducting interviews very quickly he's one of the main

characters yeah he's the third one i haven't gotten a phone number twice

I played the single player for a while and then I said, fuck it, I'm not.

They could make a movie with those characters from Five, man.

They just really did a good combination of fucking three people.

And Trevor is just like this methed out fucking crazy hillbilly, man.

Well, I've dealt with Trevor in heists and stuff.

like he'll be in them and you know and i'm like god that guy's fucking crazy he's really crazy

he's like hitting himself just doing weird shit talk about burning shit down talking about loving

his mother in one yeah dude there and he's always like he's like no i'm not he he freaking there

there's one scene where like there's this guy he went to his this there's some dude that he knew

his cousin moved to the city and so they started using his house right and he keeps telling the

the dude that his girlfriend's cheating on him

and that she's garbage and all of a sudden it cuts to a scene

and he's waking up next to the dude in a bed or something

and he's like, don't be ashamed for what happened.

He basically raped the dude because he treats him like a bitch

and makes him do all this shit, some dock worker guy to help steal stuff.

He basically raped him.

I don't know. It's just fucking crazy.

Thank you for calling the Air Purpose Company and E&G Management.

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

For Eldon Griffiths...

It should be extension 311.

That mailbox is full.

Thank you for calling the ER Griffiths Company and E&G Management.

Please listen carefully as...

Guys, a real estate broker looking for personal assistant.

You know, what's up with that?

But it's full.

This is for another driving job here, another trucking job.

Who was it?

What are you guys on that show that I was mentioning a minute ago?

You guys were doing the, I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick?

You said that earlier.

You dude went down that...

God damn, I know you do that one a lot, but it was really funny on this show.

He's like, no, no, but, you know, I don't know, I'll come down there, I'll suck your dick.

Sorry if I'm giggly.

Frank, Frank, this is Byron, may I help you?

Yeah, hey, boy, I'm calling for my son.

He wants to get a job doing that driving.

Yeah.

Where you living?

I don't know where he lives, really.

Where you live at, boy?

Out on North Street.

Is that close enough?

i don't what state i mean you've called atlanta that's why i'm just oh georgia what state you

live oh you are in georgia yeah yeah but around the atlanta area no it's outside of atlanta but

on north street which is fine i mean that i don't live in the city i don't i don't much like the

city peoples no problem i don't live in the city either um uh you're a tractor driver you have

class a's yes you have your own truck i do um it right now it has a broken right axle but i'm

getting it fixed okay um what are you looking for you know money go see the world travel around

you know maybe maybe go down route 66 at some point in my life kind of you know maybe just

Just take in the sights.

It'd be nice someday to have a wife and a couple of kids.

You know, it's just a nice esteg to retire on, something like that.

I mean, those are kind of the things I'm looking for mostly.

I wouldn't mind having an 89 Ford Mustang.

That would be nice to have, too.

That's kind of what I'm looking for.

I'm talking about what areas you're looking to run in.

Oh, well, I just must have sounded kind of dumb there.

I'm sorry.

I thought you meant, like, what are my goals.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, no problem.

You know, I don't know.

I'm pretty much open because I don't have a wife and I don't have a kid.

You know, just keep me away from places that got large bridges.

I'd like to avoid Michigan because whenever I get on one of those large bridges.

I had an incident about four years ago when I was driving.

I was going across a large bridge, and I just kind of lost it.

I don't know if it's the height or what.

I have a condition, basically.

It's a mental condition, but I just kind of lost it, and my foot just kind of goes down.

Like, my foot feels like it's, like, hundreds of pounds, and I just start just driving hard and fast,

and then I start blacking out and having a panic attack.

So I'd like to avoid places that have high bridges.

Okay.

Can we pay a dollar once in a mile for all miles?

So I could probably.

That's damn.

Damn, that's about $160 an hour?

I don't know about that an hour.

I just know it's $1.01 a mile for all miles.

Okay, okay.

It depends on the miles that you get for the week.

You'll be good, and then we also pay for your fuel,

and right now we go by the DOE fuel.

It comes out every week.

That's how we pay it.

Okay, so right now that's about $6 a gallon, I think?

um it actually they do it as a per mile rate and that's at 28 cent a mile right now oh okay

okay then how much is that in kilometers my truck has one of those spinometers that only have

kilometers um to be honest with you i do not know the the um actually the conversion from miles to

kilometers and and here's the here's the other thing um have you ever you ever heard of a uh

furlong that's how i measure the i see i kind of have my own ways of how i get paid so what

basically i need to make if i'm not making six dollars a furlong then it's hard to keep the

maintenance on my truck and how many furlongs are in a mile uh let's find a converter so basically

um that's that's 201 a little bit more than 201 meters yeah yeah and and in roughly 660 feet

so you can just do the math after that right okay is there is there any um is there any traveling

across uh you know the atlantic yeah i could do i've always wanted to see you know maybe europe

nope no it's only only u.s yes okay okay so i here's the deal um it looks like there you know

there's i don't i'm not real good with math but i think there's about 160 feet in a mile

So there's eight furlongs in a mile.

Okay, okay.

So then if we take $6 and divide it, okay, okay, we're good.

We're good because I need about 80 cents then to pay for my maintenance,

and so that's the rest.

Now, do you allow team drivers?

Is that something?

Yes.

Okay, because I bring my father along.

He used to be a truck driver.

He's retired now, but I like to bring him along and put him on the books and everything.

But he doesn't really drive anymore because he went over to Iraq trucking.

Oh, he left.

Oh, bastard.

That's because I was going too slow.

Oh, no, my bad.

He's here.

Hey, guy.

Are you still there?

Yes, I'm here.

Okay, so my father, that's my father right there.

His problem is he needs, you know, here's the thing.

Can we put him on the books?

Do you guys do physicals?

I need my insulin covered.

Yeah, and do you do any kind of physicals?

Because he doesn't actually, basically he lost most of his right arm,

and pretty much the left is not being used anymore.

For me, you'd have to be able to do a DOT physical.

Could I stand in for him?

No, it doesn't work like that.

Okay, who, all right, well, here's the thing.

Why don't we, I could probably get my brother to, because, yeah, you're right,

if I stood in for him, it'd look weird.

But see, here's the thing, I have no problem driving 16 hours straight.

that's what i'm saying but i need to have my dad in there on the books you know because eight and

eight you

know what I mean, the 8-8 rule?

Yeah, I see what you're saying, but you only can go 11.

You just can't do it that way.

Well, I mean, in the books, we can say he was driving.

That's not a problem.

I mean, I'm okay to keep going.

That's what I mean.

But he's got to have his own medical card and everything.

You've got to pass a driving test and do all of that.

Okay, okay.

All right, well, maybe we can make something work,

because there's the American Disability Act, right?

Maybe we can throw some rubber arms on them kind of thing,

and then people, you know, basically I can't, you know.

There's got to be a way.

That's what I'm saying, man.

That I don't know, because with the way they regulate what we do, I doubt it.

Okay, well, Dad, what do you think?

I mean, do you think he could pass the test?

I don't know.

I don't like this guy's attitude, to be honest with you.

I don't like his attitude at all.

Well, he's not going to be our boss.

He's just the guy that's going to help us get the job, right?

Oh, I'm the dispatch.

Yeah, this guy here.

Oh, you're the dispatch.

I think he needs to apologize to you for the way he's been treating you and talking to you.

Okay, I'm waiting.

I think you need to apologize, please, for the way you've been talking to my son.

Apologize for?

For your bad attitude and ignorance.

What ignorance?

You were being really, really, really ignorant with my son.

The way you talked down to him about his experience and his ideas and everything.

Feel that way.

That's fine.

I can go ahead and let my boss take care of it, and he can finish the conversation with you.

Yeah, because how about we take care of you?

Yeah, probably me.

How about we take care of you, then?

Put the boss on the phone.

Nah, no problem.

Hold on one moment.

God damn it.

I don't even know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

I'm having trouble with truck calls.

Hello?

Hey, Frank, it's Mark.

Can I help you?

yeah how you doing i'm calling from on behalf of my son he's looking for a job okay yeah and and

i'll be working on behalf of my father because he is a highly decorated war trucker and basically

he i i we want to be team drivers but he may not be able to pass the doa a medical car yeah

Yeah, because see, he was over in Iraq driving shit around, and one of them IED bombs went off,

and he basically lost most of his right arm, and his left is pretty useless at this point.

I drove trucks of shit all around Vietnam.

He's been driving trucks for over 40 years, so it's not that he can't drive.

It's that I'll probably be doing most of the driving, so the books are going to be all mixed up.

But, you know, kind of if you don't, you know, the last guy, that dispatcher guy, was giving us all kinds of problems

because we know how to make the books work.

And he was acting like he didn't know if we could do that.

And here's the thing, if my dad can't drive.

I can go ahead and tell you now, we run legal, so we don't.

No, no, you don't have to.

No, no, I would never expect you to.

Of course not.

I wouldn't put you in that situation.

I'll take care of that.

I understand.

saying okay if the other gentleman you're a current d.o.t medical car okay we cannot allow

him to okay well see here's the thing fuck he is a highly dedicated decorated war trucker

and and not and he should be protected by the american disabilities act

not to not to drive a truck he is not no d.o.t well i mean that's that's part you know that's

part of the american way you know we we you you say you won't hire us and we say you know

here's our lawyer i can say fuck you if you can if you can get a sir i would appreciate it if you

would quit screaming in the background shut up motherfucker you're a bitch i'm sorry my father's

i've been watching this for the last month enjoy your independence day hello yes sir what is that

noise did you just tell me to enjoy my independence day and start pissing i'm sir i'm sitting in my

that must be your father taking a piss i'm not really sure he's right here he's right here

what the hell i enjoy my independence day he's a dedicated decorated war trucker and you say

enjoy your independence day and start pissing and you won't hire him because he's disabled

i'm not sure i'm not sure what you got going on today i'm but you know i would love to have you

You as a driver, but your father, unfortunately, without a DOT medical card, would not be able to be approved to drive for us.

All right.

What if I bring in an old DOT card?

And I don't know, maybe I got a friend, he's good with the computers and the Photoshops, and then it looks good.

I don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

I really need this.

You're saying?

Solo?

Mm-hmm.

Bring you home?

Drive?

Okay.

Okay, so we're getting some.

and i don't expect him to drive i just need it on paper that he's driving because i'm gonna i'm

basically gonna do driving for two well it's you know that some people say other people don't you

know you know how it goes you know illegal it's legal speed and i'll speed company so say okay

i guess i guess i understand i i mean i mean it is it is what it is now what i'm gonna do then is

I'm going to get my 16-year-old son.

We'll get him to go pass the medical test.

And then the good thing is he shares the same surname as my father.

So maybe we'll do that.

Okay.

Okay?

So that'll work?

The application, cranefreight.com.

It's online.

Okay.

And once it comes in, we will contact you and get the information that we need from you.

Okay.

Okay, just remember when I bring my son in, he's going to look about, you know, 67 years old.

So, you know, just keep that in mind.

I just want to keep it fresh in your mind so you don't forget.

Okay?

Yeah.

I'd like to make an order.

Yeah, sure.

What would you like?

I want one piece of shit.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And again?

One fart sandwich.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Small, medium, or large?

Make a ham sandwich, put your ass on it, and take a big fart.

Hey, Mike, can we get you anything?

Yeah, small, medium, or large?

Uh, medium.

Medium, yeah. Anything else?

Uh, can we get three breast milks?

Yeah, I recommend you something as well.

Three breast milks from your mother, you know, from your mother?

I recommend you something as well.

What's that, fucker?

Yeah, some show.

A dick up the ass.

Oh, yeah.

Dwight, you want a dick up the ass?

Only $3.99.

Oh, yeah.

How big is a dick?

hey trucker guy did you want anything

we can get you a bite

yeah Mark whatever your name is

beef curtains on the side

hey it's Llama just in time

side of beef curtains

I gotta go I gotta get going

he's still connected but I gotta get going

alright thanks

thanks Llama you had a great show with us

you did a great job

Jaya thanks enjoy your

break there

make appearances when you can

see ya

And thanks, Dwight, for joining and helping

And thank you, Elkie and Asma

For sending me numbers

Thank you, God, Most High Allah

Who makes this all possible

Alright, I'm out of here

Bye

Calls (24, 59 min of 1 h 39 min)

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