Gas In My Ass

Hey, don't talk to me like that.

Just stick it up there and leave it up there.

You'd slap it, wouldn't you? You'd slap it.

I'd rip your mouth.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

This is the evening.

And tonight's event.

Hey, everybody, I'm here.

I'm Carlito, the host of the show Madhouse Radio.

That is what it's known as.

And I'm here with Milkman.

Milkman.

Hi, everybody.

K4, K4.

Man, it's so good to hear your melodious tones, my brother.

I know you got something exciting going for tonight with Skook and my brother.

Oh, not much, stupid, not much.

I also got Jen Stewart here.

What makes you so hard to get started, son?

Hey, how are you, man?

Nicht wieder schön und herrlich.

Huh?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm good.

I feel good.

Heiliges, heiliges, heiliges.

Sieg heil.

Uh, prank calls.

Yay.

Yeah?

You have reached the message box of...

How pleasant that was.

Call back.

Attention all units.

This is Sergeant Stadenko.

Attention all units.

This is Sergeant Stadenko.

They're changing from a code three direct pursuit to a code...

Huh.

Well, this was someone who was supposedly looking for a wood stove.

You have reached the message box of one.

Maybe they're not looking for it anymore, right, guys?

Maybe somebody put him in one.

Oh, yeah.

I had a whole Nazi thing I was going to do.

That's why I had the son of a...

You know, stove.

That's probably why it didn't work.

No, that's probably...

Karma.

Pre-Karma.

Karma?

Pre-Karma.

Karma.

Like the punctuation mark?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, because it's like a pause, right?

I'm so busy now.

Please tell me to call again later.

Here's someone looking for a treadmill.

Someone's looking to get in shape.

Someone's going to the Olympics, eh, Jen?

Probably to do archery, yeah.

Yeah, you're looking for a treadmill there, big girl.

Oh, I know.

All right.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You looking for a treadmill and an elliptical?

Yes.

Yeah, I've got both of those.

Okay, what was the second thing you said?

Elliptical.

Oh, yes.

Sorry.

I didn't hear you.

And then I say.

Yes, I am.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you have enough way to get both of these things?

I want them out of here at once.

I don't want you coming, you know, doing too many trips, bothering you and all that.

Do you have a truck machine?

We do.

All right.

Do you know how to take care of the treadmills and ellipticals?

Do you know how to do proper feeding and watering and all that of them?

No.

You don't know how to maintain them?

What do you mean?

They have to be watered regularly.

so they keep working correctly and lubricated oh okay i mean i'm sure i can yeah figure that out

because you're a woman you're good at cleaning and stuff right yeah that's good that's good so

what's going on are you a little um got a little weight on you um okay so is this for cardio are

you doing this for weight loss or cardio and all that stuff well why is that any of your business

i want to make sure it's going to a good place um and also can't are you going to come pick it up

Will you wear yoga pants?

And then we'll turn, I want to, you know, we'll turn it on and make sure it works, of course, right?

You want to make sure it works correctly?

Or I can turn this number in to the police for harassment.

I could probably do that.

For answering your ad I'm harassing you?

One phone call answering your ad.

You just asked me when I came to pick it up if I would wear yoga pants and to not make too many trips to bother you.

You're a jackass.

That's harassment to you?

Yeah, you got to really.

Exactly.

You're pretty stupid if you think that's anywhere near the definition of what harassment is.

You're really fucking stupid.

Listen, I want to see that ass work.

Let's make it harassment.

Huh, guys?

Yeah.

Harassment time.

I think you got to call at least five or six times.

She hasn't even told me not to call back yet.

Yeah, exactly.

You can just say you got disconnected.

Yeah, because I did.

Must be a technical fault.

Uh-huh.

Lost a pill on the ground.

That's another one this week.

i've lost on the ground what kind of pill problem i took three so i don't know which one of them i

got i just know it fell and it hit me in the stomach i almost said chest but let's be hermano

what jesus christ ready yeah what hey did i get the chance to tell you man i got a visitor man

come and saw me last week yeah yeah man one of the guys from the show man you remember nashby

nashby yes i know i know yeah dude you come out and see me man i got the hook up with you man

I want to give him a shout-out.

Hey, that's me, my brother.

Good to see you, man.

Thanks for showing up, man.

I found the pill, Jim.

That's great, Milkman.

Did you have fun?

He's cool-ass.

He's cool-ass, dude, man.

He's all right.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, he's helping me get in the connection update.

Is he skinny?

Is he a skinny man?

Yeah.

He's centered in you and I.

He's a normal proportion.

Does he have a mustache?

No, no, no.

He's just a normal-looking guy.

He's like normal, you know, handsome dude.

Kind of normal, you know.

Did you notice a lisp or any weird way he talked?

Nah, he didn't talk really weird to me, but, you know, I don't know what he said to you.

You know, on the show or whatever, but when I talked to him in person, he talked like a normal guy.

I want to know about this guy.

Does he have a...

Oh, okay, yeah, sure, sure, I'll tell you, man, he's cool.

Does Nashby have effeminate mannerisms at all?

Nah, nah, he acted like a guy, man, he shook my hand.

no okay that's good that's good i'm just curious hi i'm just curious you know yeah he was cool

dude actually man he was actually a nice guy man i was uh very impressed you know surprised man

oh man all right very kind he's very kind man too okay all right yeah he'll get me some equipment

dude so you know more on that later you need to get that working man so you have a more stable

connection but this works what that is in process dude we we began the process of the setup here so

i'm in i'm in transit on that that's developing i've got it connected but i'm not exactly sure

it's i'll tell you more about it man i'll take up more show time i just want to give a shout out

to nashby man and good to hear you also jim my brother yeah nice to hear you too man yep uh it

is good to hear all of us together uh here's someone who had a yard sale over the weekend

end we'll call and see if we can fuck around with them regarding that you know you're welcome to

take it jen at any time i'll budget later a little bit i think yeah your call has been forwarded to

an automatic voice message okay i'll try again don't forget tiny chat is operational tiny chat

dot com slash prank call nation hello that yard sale is it over you don't have any other items

is going still i don't even it was raining and so i'm just gonna i'm gonna have it this coming

friday oh you didn't have it because of the rain thank god i was wondering that fucking rain you

know it was gonna get pretty bad yeah i just i'm not to have it so i didn't have a dry place to

have on my eye so it's gonna be friday okay any bicycles i know i don't want no no bicycles all

But you do have junior boys' and girls' clothes.

Yes, it's just mostly having a daughter that just graduated from college

and she just has a lot of stuff that she needs to get rid of.

So it's mostly just clothes, dorm stuff, pictures, items like that, shoes.

Yeah, shut up.

That's great.

Do the clothes have any stains in them, you know, any stains on them,

any piss stains or anything like that?

No.

Nothing?

They're clean?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay. I mean, have they been cleaned and laundered

and pressed and all that, or are they, like,

funky still, anyone?

No, they're clean. Oh, that's too bad,

because I like the dirty, especially the boys'

underwear that's dirty.

If you have any of those around, like...

Oh, my God. She laughed. That was extreme.

She laughed. Nice. I doubt she'll pick

up this second time. Oh, she laughed.

She did. She's over it.

Be careful. She might be

into that. Hello?

Yeah, hey, do you have any

dirty underwears there?

Dirty underwears, yes.

All right, yeah, because I want to make an offer.

Okay, what's the offer?

Well, how much per?

How much per you want to sell them for?

Well, I'd like to have about, does it matter, female or male?

Preferably male.

Female works also.

I make a soup out of the females' underwear.

Okay, well, the males will probably go for about $50.

$50?

Yeah, and the females will probably go for, you know, because of the fishy smell, it would probably go for about $45.

All right, and what style kind of underwear is Women's Underwear?

Oh, they're G-string.

They're the ones that stink, you know, have a little more stink to them.

What big?

How big are they and what brand do you know?

Are they like, are they resumption?

They're all Victoria's Secret.

Oh, yeah.

Very nice.

That sounds very good.

Yeah, they're very nice.

Yeah, so where do you want to meet?

Where do you want to meet?

Well, we have a yard sale.

Yeah, why do you want to come and get it for the yard sale?

Yeah, I got your address here on Russell Drive.

Yeah, I'll just come down there.

Yeah.

Can I come down and smell you?

Yeah.

Can I smell your car seats also?

Oh, yeah, you can smell my car seats.

Do you have any bicycles?

Bicycles?

No, we don't have no bicycles.

Oh, because I can smell the bicycle seats, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we don't have no biceps to the smell.

All right.

Have you had a bowel movement today yet or no?

Hell yeah, yes, yes.

Oh, yeah, that's too bad, yeah.

It would be nice to watch you having a bowel movement, you know?

Oh, oh, yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you don't want to leave, so just, you know, bye-bye.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, thank you.

That guy was fucking weird.

Hello?

What the fuck is going on?

There's a Carlita disconnected himself.

I think so.

You and I are on Twitter right now.

He'll probably join us.

Okay.

I think we're on float.

It's you and me right now.

Oh, we're actually live, me and you?

I think so.

I know I'm on live with you.

I see.

I thought we were like, you know, Carlito and Ditchtus or something.

Absolutely.

Jim Stewart Show.

This is your segment, my brother.

My segment, but I can't call anyone.

I don't have anybody, like, I don't have the ability to make calls.

Oh, okay.

We can theorize on how good.

I can pretend to make a call.

Hello?

Oh, there you are.

or something like that.

Yes, hello.

Is this Marvin?

Yeah, it's Marvin again.

Hi.

Well, Marvin, how have you been, my friend?

Yeah, good, man.

I'm good.

You know, I miss the scene.

I miss the prank call scene.

I miss people getting upset on the phone, you know.

Oh, my goodness.

We sure have missed you, man.

The size of your ears are so large, man.

We need to have your phone placed over your ears quite often,

and you can tell us more about your exploits.

So how has things been going in the archery business, my friend?

Fuck Archer, you cunt.

I came to the Facebook.

The Facebook guy came to the chat and everyone was like,

Oh, yeah, I was Archer.

Fuck off, you cunt.

I love you.

I know I'm going to get punched right in the mouth for that,

but I love you, brother, man.

You're the best.

Trying to convince people I'm Oliver Queen.

No, only in the man.

Brother, man, like a dear friend, man.

A long, long dear friend.

I told you to kiss.

Yeah, it's like KDK.

Oh, my God.

That's right.

Hey, there.

Hi, there.

Hey, fucker.

I'm on YouTube.

help i'm missing okay faggots what was that about you guys i don't know what happened to you man

uh this is like uh apartment drama so i wanted to check to see what happened she's under order

okay okay okay all right okay so this is part b a continuation of the previous thing no i was just

there was like a weird altercation in the parking lot here though where i live remember you said

something about that week or two ago oh that was someone that got uh towed two weeks two oh my

No, they didn't end up getting towed.

They were on the truck and everything, and I'm surprised that they didn't get towed,

but they let the fucking thing go.

How are you guys doing?

Jen, I didn't really say anything.

We went right to the pranks.

You good?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm good, man.

I'm good.

I'm just a little bit like, wow, hello.

What's happening?

You have a nice smoothie today?

I didn't have any.

Actually, no.

I had a mocha frappe today.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, it's so unhealthy, but it was nice as fuck.

That's good.

it was free so i couldn't say no fuck right fuck it free nothing tastes better than free

exactly speaking of free milkman what's up man how you doing man all right my brother man i'll

tell you what it's been great man it's good to hear you again man i'm so glad you're doing well

we got our brother jim here man i'm looking forward to a bunch of good calls you know

we got something coming up too special event so everybody stay tuned man

And Hermano's going to make a big announcement.

El Barco de la Madre will make a huge appearance, man.

A decade special.

Right, Hermano?

Brother Gin sounds like a merry man.

Oh, my God, Brother Gin, yeah.

He was a dandy, that Brother Gin, they said.

But never proved.

How about a motel?

I don't know.

Last night on Dwight's show, there was lots of fireworks lighting.

Sounds good.

fireworks lighting inside bathrooms oh shit it wasn't for real but um hotels were getting called

and some side effects of fireworks going off and fire alarms were being played it was so funny

but every time dwight will call back and say it was just a joke and every time they're like okay

all right but i don't know how believable it sound the chat room said it sounded believable

i didn't think it was as believable but one of them was saying if you do one more i'm gonna

to call the fire department of course then i hit play immediately no i said they were doing

fireworks in the room basically is what they wanted to say yeah is there a fireworks holiday

in uh in great britain yeah not on the fourth of july we don't have this independence thing

we but is there a day do you have a day that you use fireworks yeah yeah it's the fifth of

november because it's um the the guy forks day it's the yeah it's when that movie came out that

day it's uh vendetta yeah yeah that doesn't actually have that much although it doesn't

yeah well that's yeah it came up that day and then sean penn was in it is sean penn yeah sean

penn was uh it was uh vendetta that was his name in that movie it was v v that's vendetta man yeah

and i had natalie portman who later married tom cruise as we all had a child with them and now

No, they were separated.

Scientology.

Fuck Scientology.

We need to call those wankers.

Your parents were Scientologists for a while.

Oh, fuck off.

Your parents were Scientologists.

More numbers.

Okay, more pranks.

Treadmill calls done.

Underwear calls done.

Here's a Mazda truck from 1994.

All right.

I think I forgot a one.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Milkman, can you hear me?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, whenever I dial a number or someone hangs up, there's like a quick drop for your, like, your audio.

Your call goes on hold for a half second.

Okay, thank you.

I don't know if you can still hear the call or us when that happens, but, like, you'll drop.

You have reached the voicemail box of 4-2-1.

Like, you're going to drop out right now for a half second, and then you're back.

Whoa.

I'm not feeling a Mazda truck.

Selling used vanity complete with top and faucet.

Okay.

Okay, so it's one of those things that has a sick build-in to it.

Vanity.

Jin uses that.

He looks at himself in it.

Yeah.

In his poses.

Archery pose.

I'm that narcissistic, no.

Oh, number dial.

You been watching Big Brother, Jin?

No, no.

That was your show, yeah?

It used to be.

You used to say that all the time.

Yeah, there was one time I watched that because Sam was in it and she was hot as fuck.

Oh, I'm calling it.

So it's not cool to do anymore, right?

No, it's full of wankers.

I don't have time for that shit anymore.

I guess a little while ago, Evander Holyfield was on one.

Is that right?

Evander Holyfield, he's a boxer.

Oh, yeah?

From the United States.

Hello.

Hey, you got a vanity over there?

Yes, sir.

Oh, this is still for sale?

Still available?

Yes, sir.

Okay, and it's in good shape.

Oh, I can't wait to go see.

Can I, where does it plug in?

How do I plug it in?

There is no plug in.

Then how does the water come through it?

The water?

Yeah.

Well, it's got, the faucet is still on there.

It's mounted to the top.

Now, the top just sits on to the wood part of it.

Yeah, the top just sits on.

What did you say?

The shit turns on to the wood part?

What did you say?

The top, like the Formica or the granite top, it sits on the stand.

The shit on top is on the stand, right?

Yes, basically.

Okay, all right.

But then you have to plug that in for the faucet to power on the faucet to activate it.

Well, you have to plumb in the water.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

How many watts does it take for that faucet?

How many watts is it used?

It doesn't take any watts.

There is no electrical involved.

Then how does the water flow?

Through the water pressure.

Yeah, and how does the water get its pressure?

From the well.

No, because the well's on the ground.

The water pressure comes from a machine.

It's electrical

The water pressure comes from the city water line

Yeah and where do they get the pressure from

How do they make the pressure

I have no idea

Yeah so you don't know what you're fucking selling then

I don't think

You're absolutely right

You have a nice day and remember

God loves you

Hello

God loves you man

He's taking the Christian way

Lord Jesus

Lord Father

Tell him you're a Muslim or something.

Holy Father, tell me what to say to this man.

He's really annoying me.

That's what milkmaid gets to his day.

He gets cut off, he's like, Lord Father, help him come.

I ain't gone, I'm gone.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I don't want to pray for him.

He must be in an awful rush.

Well, that's for suckers.

The Bible says the Lord helps those who help themselves.

So if you get flicked off or shit in traffic, tailgating them.

follow them till they stop where they're going to get out yell at them just rev your car engine

when you're at a red light and you're behind them still and come as close as you can to their bumper

yeah that'll show what's going on out in front of your house right now in the apartment no i'm just

talking shit this is how people react in traffic where i'm from all the time not so much here where

i live now but where i'm from sounds kind of like my brother he he reacts like that all the time

I think it's more like

he doesn't really do it like that

he's more like if he sees somebody making a mistake

and if he feels like that

he could be in any way affected by this mistake

he'll go fucking nuts

he'll just sit on the fucking horn

I've actually sat in the car with him once

where he's actually sat on the horn for at least a minute

just literally sat on the fucking horn

people were looking at him like

what the fuck is your problem

he was pissed at this guy

wow

love wow that's hilarious i'm thinking about what i'm going to do i'm going to take a big

ass horn from a big car and put it on my little tiny car man it's gonna fucking have a big ass

horn on it so you'll you'll drive by it's gonna be like it says your brother's a chad

oh yeah dude people be shitting their pants because everybody hears that little thing

and i'm gonna listen right so i put that big motherfucker up there dude i got it man

and I take the fucking Lexus home and put it on it, man.

Well, that's crazy.

Your brother, is this in a roundabout this happened?

No, this was in the street.

This was near Bayswater in London.

Was he honking at an ambulance?

No, no, he was just honking at a guy who cut him off.

And then the guy got fucking stuck in front of him.

So obviously, you know, it's a cunt.

But my brother was rightfully pissed.

It's just a stupid situation.

situation he just way overdid it you know instead of just honking once a little bit he just fucking

sat on the horn yeah hello hello sorry hello hey you got you got a four-cylinder engine well

turned out to be a 2.8 what are you stupid or something you didn't know yeah yeah you

dickhead where the fuck you doing yeah fucking false advertising you come yeah we'll lay out

we're gonna get behind you on the on the road and just lay on the horn for a long time for

For like a minute, straight.

Stick the horn up your ass after it ends.

Like, me.

Like, improve your situation?

Hello?

Okay.

Sorry.

That's funny.

I had no idea.

I didn't even hear the phone ringing.

Get the music going.

It's probably why you're doing this.

Yeah,

seem to have been

disconnected so that's a 2.9 that's a 2.9 a two point okay all right that's good and what kind

of what you fucking mind of shit yeah what kind of lubrication does that take what's that sir

What kind of lube does that take?

As far as I know, there ain't really nothing wrong with the motor.

I mean, the truck that it was in, they ended up wrecking it,

and they just pulled the motor and everything out of it.

I didn't even get rid of it.

Who's they?

Is it your parents?

Yeah.

Are they old and stupid?

Is that what happened?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Did they not take care of it?

Yeah.

They didn't take care of the car?

We had it on a trailer down here,

and we just needed to get rid of it.

The trailer's falling apart.

Just a second, sir.

I mean, I'm sorry, sir.

you just it sounds like your parents didn't really take much good care of you either are you okay

yeah okay you just sound a little bit slow like you know so maybe somebody punched you in the

mouth but you had a lobotomy or something like that do you have epilepsy are you epileptic no

no strokes no history of strokes no oh that's good that's good all right can i come over

uh not right yet come on we can we could come together we could smoke some weed do you smoke

weed yeah you'll drink beer it would probably help do you drink beer yeah you want to drink

some beers hello hello oh come on what the fuck is wrong with that guy he sounds really like

i think he's been drinking beers he's just come out of the hospital or something

he's just crunching up cans and throwing them after he finished

can't believe he said no to the weed what the hell isn't it legal almost everywhere now in america

how many states is it legal um 20 something medically and two recreation two recreationally

oh wow colorado is one of them right yes colorado and washington are the two we're not allowed to do

recreational here we can only do medical but you could just go to colorado for a day and just you

know just get really high yeah but that that recreational shit listen to this man it is

horrible man that they're charging like more than 36 percent tax for recreational bro yeah i saw i

saw some documentaries on this but um the cannabis boom what they're calling it is actually making a

lot of multi-millionaires i think it's a fantastic business opportunity for anybody looking to make a

lot of money you know states are making a killing 36 percent tax man everybody's loving except paying

the 36. milkman you republicans and you're no tax this and no tax that you gotta something's

got to give if you want to have this stuff well no no no i mean but like you had it on the ballot

california had the shit on the ballot and they voted no for it they're so stupid you had i mean

i would just say it's a pretty big tax what i'm getting at is is if you have too high a tax it'll

make a big black market because people won't want to pay the taxes to make too much tax so they got

to put a a nice medium tax everybody will pay don't like it but they'll pay it instead of going to

the black market, so they've got to be careful

about overtaxing. That's what I'm

saying. 36% is getting there. It's like

a peg. It's just tax.

The black market, like the ghetto?

Yeah, like the ghetto, dude.

Yo, man, we're growing up in here.

Is that the mall? Is that the black mall?

The ghetto is in California, dude.

They got hydro, man. Then they got LEDs

growing, man. They don't

play around. So what? So just get the card

if you want. It's just a minor

inconvenience in California.

When you come out here, you'll trip out.

I'm going to take you to a co-op, man, and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I've told you about this place before, man.

This place is like bomb, man.

You can get it growed.

You can get smoke right there, test it out.

Anything you need is all right there.

Even a good place, man.

One out.

Do they have special condoms so you can put it on a plane when you fly away?

Well, I've never done that.

I wouldn't be able to buy it on that one.

That's a problem.

We have to do research on that one before you do that, bro.

That's a problem.

The best thing to do is just drive, and then that way you don't have to stick anything in your backside, you know?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Uh, yeah.

Jen, are you excited about coming to the States, doing medical marijuana?

No, I can just go to Amsterdam. It's like an hour from here.

I'll just get on a plane, go to Amsterdam for a day, get a stone, go back home.

Can you take a train there?

Uh, you could, but it'll take a lot longer, because you'd have to go...

You could take a... Yeah.

Yeah, you'd have to go through France.

You'd take the Channel Tunnel, Channel Machine, right? Out.

And then you would go into France, right?

exactly yeah but it'd take a long time it's easy to fly and flights are really cheap i mean

you could hike it though i thought you'd be like i'm gonna hike it

hike it yeah right that's what you would say hey guys listen i wanted to let you all into an update

update you all that's what i meant to say regarding the 10-year anniversary show

reporting okay buddy let's hear it these are the people that have confirmed with me

that are going to be on the air

that day. Milkman, of course.

Tucker, Mike, I'm expecting

Jen, maybe, hopefully, you can show up.

When is it? It's on the

16th of Thursday, 16th.

1-6, 1-6. The 16th of July.

7-1-6.

Yeah, yeah, fine. 1-5. Let me put it in my

little Google calendar here.

Yeah, do that. It starts at

6. So it'd be like

17-16-57-1-6-1-5.

Right. That's really

easy to remember that way my friend thank you what 17 16 i don't know what he's talking about

17 16 15 that's 7 1 6 1 5 7 16 i don't know where it's going

did you listen listen say that again slowly 17 16 15 right 7 16 15 17 you said 17 right 17

17, you just mark the one off and you've got it.

That's the date.

Ah, I'll mark the one off.

All you've got to do is have a number sequence, 17, 16, 15.

Wipe the one off, that's your date.

That's good.

We have another problem.

Easy way to remember.

Even though I'm not seeing any flaws in your logic there at all,

I think we have another problem.

The fact is, in the UK, we have our dates the other way around.

So we say...

That's right.

That's why you're laughing at me.

Okay, but that's why you guys...

No, I just didn't get your logic.

No, it's good.

Yeah, that's why I'm laughing.

16, 17, 15 works so much better.

Um, okay.

17, 16, 15.

All right, stop saying that, please.

Okay.

All right, so...

She got me 420.

What?

There you go.

It's broken.

And you'll get it.

Calm down, Milkman.

Listen, here's who I have confirmed.

I got, uh, Dino is confirmed to join us.

Evil Artie, Jonathan, Big Andy, KDK, Zolar, Dr. Lego, Ted Webb,

rbcp matt hillock and all the pc and hosts are invited um everyone that i said before that has

confirmed that they're going to be there um so there's going to be a pc reunion um i'm planning

that okay so i'm going to go on from i'm back to doing 12 hours because i can't fit in all this

in less than that so what i'm hoping is there's no way dude exactly what about before you go on

Did Seneca pop in there, that list, anywhere?

I just said Dino, Evil, Artie, and Jonathan.

Okay, all right.

You read really fast.

I heard the Artie, but I didn't care.

It's Dino.

Okay.

So anyway, I've got a loose time schedule set up.

It's 12 hours from noon Eastern to midnight Eastern on that day.

The way I got it structured, the PCU reunion takes place at 6 p.m.

is when that starts.

and that's when kdk zolar and dr lego are slated to join followed up by ted webb and then uh

blackout was going to join and he is pulled out of negotiations after kdk confirmed he said he

will not work with kdk blackout has confirmed him confirmed via facebook that he will not join

that because of that so there you go

at 3 p.m it's going to be uh more than around the time that syndicate radio we were with them

so dino evil already and jonathan are aiming to join around that time andy is going to be

hopefully we're going to try to fit him in for 5 p.m uh on thursday jen i'm trying to see if i

can schedule you in for early afternoon i don't know that's possible we would have to talk about

that off the air so i can give you a better idea about my situation but tucker mike will milkman

will be with me at starting at noon and tucker mike will be uh available starting around 1 p.m

he says so it'll be mean milkman and then we'll we'll kick it off uh i'm gonna have uh some of

the bits and things we're gonna play i've got sam the angry donut man uh we're gonna have best of

clone homegrown possibly if i have time to get that charlie patton when we hadn't put the phone

in the tub uh best of hollywood vanya best of debbie mansfield uh the time the madhouse got

raided the 98.6 the mouth show uh best of crazy fucker best of reclude and many many more there's

a whole bunch of other things there shit sounds good there's a lot that we have to get to i'm

hoping to be able to at least do some new pranks in that last segment so after 9 p.m so between 9

9 p.m. and 9 p.m.

Yeah, between 9 p.m. and midnight, it's going to be basically just all of us now, you know, PCN, the PCN host all joining in and all of us doing just a modern show, as you would say, for Madhouse.

But before that's going to be a whole, there's going to be all the old intros and all the old songs that I used to play in different eras and stuff like that, all the old promos.

I'm going to try to fit everything in.

So I've got a whole plan going with this.

We'll see.

Hopefully it works out.

Yay.

that's all i have wow gee that is an awesome awesome concept man it's gonna be great man

i hope it is i hope it is because it's a lot of pressure on me here's a gas station

yeah a petrol station jen oh yeah yeah you want petrol i don't know if i need petrol

yeah maybe i can drink it let me ask you how can i help you yeah hi ruben um i am running a business

and I am a flame-throwing pyromaniac guy, and I need some petrol,

but I need to basically come in there with a truck,

and it's got some highly flammable stuff there in the back. Is that okay?

It should be fine, as long as there's no open flames.

Yeah, there's some flames inside, because what we do is we just blow out the back of the truck,

so it's like it comes out of the back there.

And I need a place to sort of, you know, see if the fuel you got there, the gas, is good enough for what I need it for.

So maybe I can, you know, test it, you know, on site just to see which one works best.

I just would like to, you know, go up to each one of the pubs and, you know, put some gas in the mouth and just, you know, see if it works.

You think that's okay?

I think it should be fine.

Okay.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I want to come there

in each one of the petrol pumps

and I'm going to take

the gas, the petroleum

and I'm going to

put a little bit of it in my mouth

and I'm going to spit it out

onto a flaming stick

and the fire is going to come.

Ah, I got you.

Yeah, I think we could probably move it

just a little away from the pumps and you should be fine.

Okay, okay.

Well, that sounds good.

Okay, so I'll be on my way shortly.

I like that.

What about inside the shop?

Could I come inside the shop and just do it there?

I would say no, just probably because the roof isn't that high.

It's probably like 10 feet or so.

There isn't that much space.

I could do it into the direction, you know, into your direction.

Probably best outside.

Okay.

Or outside next to the pump.

A bit away from the pump, yeah.

Why don't you come down and we can talk more?

I like the sound of that.

And afterwards, you think maybe we could get together?

We could have a private session.

I could show you how I put, you know, put fire in my ass.

Um, no thank you.

You can put some gas in my ass and I'll set fire to it.

You know, we're, you know.

Uh, just feel free to come down to the station.

Okay, cool.

And you're gonna put some, uh, gas in my ass.

Have a good one, sir.

Okay.

Okay, I'll see you shortly, yeah.

We're gonna put gas in my ass.

In my ass.

How is he okay with that?

Fucking retard that guy.

Uh, yeah, that guy.

Like, yeah, I guess I'd be okay, yeah, sure.

sure gas okay he's like okay yeah no problem yeah sorry i keep calling it petrol i have to get into

america mode that's fine that's fine yeah and would it be okay to do that okay yeah sure just

a little bit away from the pump why not okay we just might as well set fire to the place i'm

calling on another yard sale that occurred whoops who are you calling a yard sale oh yeah you had a

you are a sale no sir you had one though right yes sir that's what i said you had one uh did

you have anything left over from that you're trying to get rid of still i'll make you a good

offer oh all right i'll suck your dick oh he heard it that was brilliant we'll suck your dick

we'll suck your dick man oh shit he's gonna be careful one of these days someone is gonna say

yeah okay sure come on hello hey what happened you're gonna put her on the phone do what you're

You're going to put Wi-Fi on the phone and talk to her about the things?

This is Rex.

I'm calling about the yard sale remains.

Okay.

What do you want to know about them?

Whatever's left over, let me know.

I'll make a good offer, a good offer.

Okay.

And you say you're going to get her on the phone and then the call drop?

No, she's not here.

That was my son.

You said that, too.

Okay.

So can I make you an offer then, boy?

What do you got?

I just don't like your attitude.

Let me tell you something.

I just don't like your attitude.

I'm smiling while I'm saying this.

i have a good attitude i've been smiling and showing my teeth the whole time see what i've

been smiling i've just been smiling and showing my teeth this whole time i've been talking to you

i don't have a bad attitude brother i'm a friend come on what'd you say my son

he said he was gonna get someone on the phone to talk for me to talk to about

well i'm here to talk to you but what'd you say to him i said i don't i don't recall now i

I wasn't talking to him.

You don't recall?

I was talking to my cousin.

Let me tell you what.

What he heard you say.

What?

That you would let her suck your dick.

What?

I'll tell you what, big guy.

What?

You got the phone number.

You apparently have the address, too, right?

Yep.

Why don't you come on up here?

Oh, yeah.

We'll suck each other's dicks.

You want to suck my dick?

Well, you're so big and bad, so why don't you come on up here?

All right, and I'll fuck you.

I'll fuck you, and then she'll suck my dick after I fuck you in the ass.

Well, come on up here, then.

All right.

That sounds good.

All right.

That sounds good.

All right, come on.

Do you have condoms?

Yeah, come on up here.

You'll find out what I've got.

Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

You got a big hose on you?

Yeah, come on up here.

You'll find out.

Do you have a big hose on you, sir?

No, it ain't got nothing to do with a hose.

Oh, what's it got to do with?

Well, you come on up here and find out.

Is it a shotgun?

Come on up and find out.

Oh, tell me.

Is it like a shotgun?

You're going to pull a gun on me?

You can't do that.

Come on.

Come on here and find out.

He's starting to piss.

You want to try him again?

Let me have a go?

Yeah.

Me and my son are going to shoot him.

Breaking news.

The U.S. defeats Japan 5-2 to win a record third women's World Cup machine.

Goodbye.

Congratulations, U.S. women.

Everyone cares.

Well done.

We all care.

Very good, honey baby.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail.

Oh, man.

Okay.

He won't pick back up.

Oh, I know.

It sucks.

Did I ever get to call?

I don't think I called on this.

Someone had a...

Oh, I did call the engine.

What was it?

Oh, this Yamaha.

Yamaha Virgo street bike for sale.

I think I skipped over that.

Look, man, are you here?

You're being quiet.

What's going on?

You got a customer machine?

she yeah i got a customer all right yep yeah you got a yamaha virgo street bike hold on hurry up

what about it hello yeah you got that yamaha virgo yeah it's a piece of shit yeah yeah uh

how much for that you're looking you're what how much for that you're looking 18 18 i'll give you

you 10 okay no not interested i'll give you 12 12 oh 18 15 15 no 16 no evidently you don't want it

i'll give you 1700 for 18 come on 17 more than that 17 5 17 17 500 yeah come on man all right

i'll give you 18 i'll give you 18 okay all right how big a dick has got on it have you what how

How big a dick it's got on it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

The car, the truck, the fucking, the bike's dick.

How big is the dick?

I don't know.

Does it have a pecker?

No.

It doesn't have a dick or a pecker?

That guy sounded quite funny.

Evidently, you don't want to buy it.

Yeah, he was a good negotiator.

Hello?

Oh, hey, milkman.

Forgot you were here.

Hello?

Hey.

18?

Hey.

18 for the bike?

Yeah.

All right, good.

And will your wife suck my dick when I go down there?

whatever he's like whatever he's busy watching his shows i don't care wrestling though

here is a denny's that kind of guy yeah denny's everybody denny's let's make an order for some

heat you know that's all i do that's all i do on the show yeah i want some eggs with heat it's so

funny good afternoon hey stupid how are you hey stupid i want to make an order yeah i like to

To make an order?

All right, stupid.

Hello?

Yes?

Are you ready for my order?

If you are.

Why you ain't said so?

All right.

I ready.

All right.

I like one.

Oh, man.

What's the slam that comes with the eggs?

The slam that comes with the eggs?

Yeah.

We have, you order four items, whatever you like, and that makes it, that build your own

slam.

Okay, let's do it, motherfucker.

All right.

I want.

Hey, don't talk to me like that.

Okay.

How many eggs?

Don't talk to me like that

Can I text her?

Yeah

All I can find in the fine

Yeah

Here's what her phone

She was funny because of the way she talked

Yeah

Am I taking this?

Yeah

They've been warned

I don't know

Good evening, it's an ocean site

Will this be a to-go order?

Yes, yes, buenos dias

Yes, how are you?

Good, thank you

Yeah, good

I'm very well, too. Thank you for asking.

I wanted to come in there, and I wanted to collect something to eat.

Hello?

A to-go order?

What?

An order to go?

Yeah, yeah, an order to go, yeah.

But actually, I was there actually recently, and I had an order, and it was quite foul, actually.

I think somebody did something bad to it.

Okay, so what day was it?

I don't know what it was.

It was foul.

I didn't order it.

My friend ordered it, but I came in and I took it away.

And then I tried when I wanted to eat it.

It was disgusting.

It was foul.

I think, what did you do to it?

Okay, well, it has to be fixed on the same day when you got the order.

Yeah?

Uh-huh, yeah.

I don't know what you said because you can't speak English properly.

But, yeah, that's okay.

What can you tell me?

What do you recommend there?

What nice things do they have?

everything in the menu and everything's good why don't you tell me something then

tell me recommended something to me we have a waffle that's disgusting okay okay sir yeah

hello okay sir yeah you have a good night thank you what do you mean good night thank you what

i haven't even made my order yet oh she was not having it fucking hell bitch jesus i didn't even

get to the punchline someone else will pick up that's all right maybe i need to try a different

I took them all the first time.

Are they busy?

Eh, some of them a bit.

A bit?

You don't think?

I think it did.

There's another one right around the corner.

It's crazy.

This is a beachside.

What the hell is it?

Touristy area.

Denny's, it's a diner, you know?

Huh?

Like a greasy spoon, you would call up there.

No.

Where you get like a full English breakfast, let's say.

A place like that.

They call restaurants it.

But it's a special kind of restaurant.

Hi, this is Denny's.

I don't have much access.

Yeah, hello?

Can I get a boat order?

Yes, what? What's your name?

Dee.

Dee?

Dee's nuts.

Does Dee come after E?

Yeah, okay.

Listen, lady, I was there the other day, and I really enjoyed it.

I wanted to compliment you on how much fun I had there.

It was the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life.

Okay, thank you.

You have a safe night, okay?

No, no, no, I'm not.

I want to make an order.

Why are you making me rush away?

Just a second, okay?

Okay.

It's something I always have to say, Dee's nuts, like that.

That's all right.

But do you think she's just going away and put us on hold?

That sounds like it.

Hey, I'll call back.

Go on.

A fry-up.

Where would you get a fry-up from?

Good question.

I don't know.

I don't really know.

Can you go have a drive?

Is this speaking?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, it's me again.

Okay, what can I get for you, sir?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I want to, I want you.

Can I have you?

No, sir, you cannot.

Sorry about that.

Why not?

Why?

Hello, what do you mean by?

Do I need to get my manager on the phone?

Yeah, let me speak to the manager.

Okay, just a second.

okay I got idea hello hello manager what hello manager hello hello hello

yes sir yeah manager please yes hello can I speak to the manager just a second

Yeah.

He wants to talk to you, though.

Which one?

One.

What the f...

She said, which line?

One.

Hello?

Are you the manager?

Yes.

Yes?

Okay, well, I was just talking to that lady.

She was extremely rude to me.

I think you should punish her.

I think she wasn't understanding you.

I'm sorry.

Okay, but I think, you know what?

If it was me, I would take her out the back there with a whip, you know?

I'm not that type of manager.

I'm a helper.

So I'd tie her up and beat her.

What was it you needed, honey?

Yeah, I wanted actually to call up and express my gratitude.

I was extremely grateful.

I came in there with my brother recently, and we had a very good time in there.

Oh, yay, until you got this one, huh?

I'm so sorry.

I will talk to her about that.

No, that's okay.

But I said to her, I said that it was the first thing I said, and she didn't really seem to care.

So anyway, I just wanted to express my utmost sincerest gratitude.

I think, you know, actually, you know, this lady is not very good.

Perhaps I could go in there and, you know, maybe you just let me have five minutes with her.

Yeah, I personally have only worked a couple of times with her.

I usually work the daytime and I usually get a hostess.

Do you think it's possible I can come in there and, you know, get tired to one of the tables or something?

I will take a listen and keep my eye out for you.

And I really appreciate you calling.

I'm sorry about that.

But maybe I could just like, you know, have you ever taken like, you know, these these these these lighters in the cars, you know, you push the button and it comes out.

I could take one of those and maybe put it on her on her bum, you know, on one of her bum sheets.

I don't think we can do that.

Well, it would be could be fun.

We could put it on the grill or something.

No, that's not allowed.

What? Can I do it to you?

No, that's OK.

Why not?

I don't need any burns. I got enough scars.

Yeah, but I could just add one more.

But anyways, thank you very much.

Two, maybe two? Can I add two?

One on each side.

Bye-bye, Eddie.

What?

Oh, man.

It's an interesting day with the Denny's.

Wow.

I wish she was a little more talkative.

You got that chicken trouble?

Yeah.

Pretty sure she knows.

I don't want to talk to her, to the girl.

I think she'll answer again.

She's been pulled off.

This is Jeannie from Harper's Drive.

This is Dee speaking.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay.

Ready?

What can I get for you?

Can I get a cheeseburger with fries?

We have the double cheeseburger.

Yeah, the double cheeseburger.

Okay.

Can you hold the cheese?

Would it be Swiss, American, or cheddar?

Hold the cheese.

Huh?

Hold the cheese.

Hold it.

Okay.

Just a second, okay?

All right.

You said American?

No, I want to hold the cheese.

Oh, you don't want no cheese?

Yeah, cheeseburger, hold the cheese.

And french fries, seasoned fries?

Hold the fries.

So no fries, right?

Mm-mm.

Okay.

You're saying hold the fries?

Yeah, hold the fries, hold the cheese.

So no fries?

Well, yeah, the cheeseburger, the double cheeseburger with fries, hold the cheese, hold the fries.

What do you, I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by hold the fries.

Just don't, I don't want to receive the fries.

Okay.

Charge, if you have to charge for them, that's fine, I understand.

Sir?

Yep.

So the double cheeseburger, no cheese, no potatoes?

Yep.

Would that be it for you?

Hold the bread, the bun.

So no bun, you just want the meat and cheese?

Well, no cheese, hold the cheese.

No cheese?

Yeah, hold the cheese, hold the bun.

You just want the patty?

Yeah, with onion.

Just a second, okay?

Okay.

Let me take this burger patty.

There we go.

So just the burger patty, what would you like on your patty?

uh the seasoning sir the seasoning you know like the salt pepper yeah i know seasoning

and uh heat sir heat heat heat sir like add can you add heat to that i can't hear you heat heat

heat h-e-a-t heat you say what sir heat heat heat heat you know how you're saying heat h-e-a-t

Yeah, add heat.

Yeah, I know I have to add...

Okay, just a second.

Okay.

Oh, he's playing on his phone.

Oh, what happened?

He's playing on his phone.

He's making me mad.

Oh, he's...

Yeah, yeah, I...

Oh, shit.

I'm making her mad.

All right.

That's a funny Denny's, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a weird one.

I say, I say.

I love the idea, though.

It's freaking brilliant.

in that was actually a fucking cheese burger with fries all the cheese all the fries all the bun

was all the fucking burger add onion add salt pepper and heat uh that was from a facebook user

gave me that uh suggestion so that's funny thank you facebook user 128 we appreciate you

thank you for joining us here on madhouse radio yeah you got the time we got the dime

i think that's how it goes yeah yeah it sounds like something i would say something like that

um here's a day's end this is in the same this denny's you're recalling is right at the day's

end as a part of it i'd rather the denny's is a part of the day's end they also have a gas station

in their parking petrol station yeah try that again the drinking thing because i thought you

you're doing because i can't believe another person will be like oh yeah sure okay i shouldn't

oh i didn't make a note of who i called because we should have called him back he was expecting

you he's probably getting all ready yeah yeah man this guy's gonna come down here

flamethrower gas in his ass i got a funnel uh yeah hi there uh i need to uh i got an urgent

appointment uh to do a pyro show and i need some gas but uh it's got to be a specific type of gas

and uh is it possible for me to come by there and check all the gas pumps for the right kind of gas

i'm sorry to check what you check all the pumps for the right kind of gas what do you mean to

check all the pumps for the right guys okay so what happens is in a pyro show somebody puts the

the gas in their mouths and they have like a flaming stick and then they blow the gas

onto the stick and they make like a like a dragon and it makes like a fiery sound and

the big fire comes out there you know what do you need brother yeah i need to test all

the the different gases you have there and uh you know i want to start a pump one and

make my way all the way up to whatever the number is at the end i know where you call

No, I'm just around the corner. I'm on the road, so I got, you know, an urgent, I got to get the right kind of gas.

You understand? It's an emergency. I need the gas, you know?

I know you need the gas. Do you have a permission to test the pumps?

Yeah, no, I'm asking you for permission to test the pumps.

No, no, you cannot do that.

What do you mean I can't do that? If I pay for the gas, I sure I can do that.

I know, but you're going to get gas. You're not going to test the pumps.

Okay, well, I'm going to come and test it anyway, and then I'm going to put one of the...

Oh, actually, can you help me? I need some assistance.

You know what? Just call tomorrow, man.

No, I'm coming now. I'm about five minutes away.

No, I'm sorry. I can't do that for you.

Well, I need to speak to your manager then.

Hello?

Call tomorrow when the manager is here, boss.

No, I'm coming right now, asshole. Listen, I'm going to be there, and I'm going to put gas all over you.

Yeah, do it.

Okay, I'm coming right now.

I cannot let you touch the pumps.

At least you got paper or something to open the pump and test it.

Yeah, no, I'm going to test the pump, and I'm going to put it in my mouth,

and I'm going to spray fire everywhere.

Okay, okay, you got peppers.

Oh, shoot.

As long as you have papers, Jen, it's okay.

It's all good.

We're just meeting some really passive-ass people today.

Everyone's real passive and peaceful like lambs.

Lambas.

you don't agree fine

no no no I agree

no I can't do that

what can't you do

number that I was going to use for my caller ID

didn't make sense

I'm sorry I didn't mean to fuck you I was joking

um

are you here just muted I just want to make sure you're just not

like in some kind of limbo

I just want to check in he's been all extra quiet

I don't know if I should drop the call and call him back or not

hello

sounds like he's not here

are you still

Oh, no, go on.

Oh, his show's connected.

I know that's him.

He might be with a customer, too.

I'll give him another 10 to check in with us.

Calling the Denny's back, because I like that chick.

You still have a hotel or a motel?

Yes, I did.

That's right.

Here it is, which is attached to the petrol station we just called as well.

Oh, nice.

As well as the Denny's, as well as Gabba.

Sorry, hello, can you speak a little bit louder, please?

I can't hear you.

Yes, I said Days and Oceans. This is Erica speaking. How may I help you?

Yeah, hello, Erica. I stayed there a night ago, and I wanted to talk to somebody. I have a complaint.

Did you want to leave the complaint to me?

Yeah, I can tell it to you. I can explain, firstly, the situation.

And what happened was my lover and I, we came there, and we were playing with the phone, you know, the telephone.

And he said he was going to do something funny with the phone.

But actually he tried to put it in my bum

And then it

You know it hurt

And I wanted to complain about that

About the

Can you repeat that again

Yeah yeah I put my lover

He put the phone in my ass

You know

And it didn't feel good

And you wanted to complain here about it

Sorry

Hold on a second yes

I wanted to complain about

The phone it was

It was uncomfortable, you know?

It wasn't the right shape or the right size.

It was a little bit large, you know?

The phones in the room are too large.

Because I want to come again, you know?

And I want to try it again.

But I want the phones to be smaller, you know?

Can you go into the rooms and replace them?

I'm not sure, sir.

But I'll let my...

Is there anything else, sir?

Hello?

Oh, you lost it.

She sounds just like the Denny's girl.

She sounds just like her.

I think this one family owns this whole little parcel.

What the hell?

That's so weird.

She's like, okay, well.

She thought it was funny.

She did, yeah, but only because I was laughing.

Good stuff.

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's just the concept was extremely funny.

And I just couldn't help but laugh about it.

So I'll try that again.

I just like to say that it's their fault.

This is Denny's.

This is the Denny's again.

Oh, this is Denny's again.

Hi, this is Vinnie's own halfway drive. This is Dee speaking. Would this be a to-go order?

No, it's not, actually. I'm talking about... This is Mr. Stewart. What's your name?

Dee.

Oh, hello again, Dee. Can I take the phone and put it in your bum?

Just a second, okay?

Yeah.

What? She just hung it up. Okay.

Here's a taco place that's connected to this place also. Del Taco.

Are they all, like, in the same little area? What is it?

Yeah. It's one property.

Oh, I've got an idea.

I've got a good idea.

Let me take that.

All right.

Otakoi 14, this is Maite.

How can I help you?

Yeah, yeah.

How are you?

This is Mr. Stewart.

I'm from Denny's across the way there.

You know Denny's?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, there's a lady that works here.

Her name is Dee.

I want to make some sort of thing, some arrangement with her.

You know what I mean?

For what?

Yeah, I want to do something with her.

And I need your help.

Would you like to speak to the manager?

No, no.

No, I need your help.

Okay.

Can you go over there and take the phone and just push it between her ass cheeks?

What do you mean?

Yeah, I need you to take the phone that you have in your hand, walk over to Denny's, find Dee, and put it in between her bum, you know, like in the asshole.

Uncle Ronkle, his name is fun to say, said that the Denny's chick, she didn't hang up, she just put the phone up her ass.

Yeah, probably.

She said, hold on a minute.

Hold on a minute.

Okay.

I think we should try the lady at the motel again.

Okay, yeah.

I think she's going to get it.

All right, never mind.

This is Erica speaking.

How may I help you?

Buenos dias.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

This is Mr. Stewart again.

I'm really sorry about what happened before.

My lover, he was tickling me.

It was very difficult to do anything.

I was trying to be serious,

and he was tickling me.

So I'm sorry about that.

Can you please hold, sir?

No. Why hold?

I'm getting another cough, sir.

No, you're not. Don't lie to me. You're lying.

No, sir.

Don't lie. Your nose will grow if you lie.

Hello?

Yes?

Are you ready to take the complaint, please?

No, sir. Hold on for a bit.

What do you mean? No, no.

What do you mean? Now you're just lying.

I'm getting another cough, sir.

You're such a liar. Why would you lie to me?

That's it. That's illegal. Hello. I know you're still there

You want a pretzel like the small

Yeah, the big ones don't go in

Happen this lady man

What OS is your phone have do you have lollipop or kick the cat I have the latest lollipop

Awesome

awesome milkman are you back yet i'm gonna call him back because i'm afraid all right well instead

i'll call milkman back this is milkman being out back instead let's get him just to find out

maybe that's what he did i did what jim said it's turn to answer now i gotta shit it out

i gotta shit it out really fast okay hey were you on on mute that whole time or were you

yeah yeah i was on you i was had a customer and i was just saying goodbye whenever your call ended

and you like thought i was gone yeah i wasn't sure i wanted to make sure no no you did the

right thing i was getting ready to click in dude thank you for looking out for me man i did the

right thing you hear that jen yeah you did the right thing yeah thumbs up that's right that's

a brother man all right and he's a showman okay i'm gonna make some iced tea here and i'm gonna

to meditate and think about who we're going to call

next. We should just call some

random person from the

list. Yeah, call

your Rolodex numbers. Any of your Rolodex

numbers. I don't have a Rolodex. I want

to ask somebody for impartial advice. You know what I'm talking about.

The old Rolodex. The old Rolodex?

Yeah. Our backlog

of the old lonesome numbers. Not

now. I'm going to call some wankers.

Oh, let's wank it. Oh, hell, let's

wank it. What? You still got the AMD

list I sent you? We're looking for

turners in the city of Henfield.

see if anyone shows up yep and they did i just copied them all all right good what's it so it's

a mr turner right yeah b turner is a first so it's either it's a person uh something turner right

yep shout out to dash in his tool that makes this possible it's great oh that's right i gotta dial

it different oh wait a minute we did this recently you told me what to do plus one four four plus

Plus 144? Shit, I forgot.

It must be plus 44, because that would make more sense.

Well, I don't use plus, I'm just putting in the number.

I think it's the sweetest without the zero.

It would either be 0044 at the start, or plus 44.

Shit, I lost milkman.

I gotta take the zero out.

Alright.

I knew it was something like that. Let me get milkman on too.

Shit, shit, shit.

Hey!

Lost you in an accident there. Hang on, let me format these numbers.

Hey, I got you, bro. Thank you, man.

excuse me i'm gonna format these numbers real quick here on my end plus four four zero becomes

four four replace all four occurrences for four numbers and here's the here's the first one again

that i tried b turner all right aren't many numbers no no no these are my numbers we want

these are independent number machines welcome to bt answer 1571 the person you're calling is

not available okay skipping that skipping the next one because that's the one i called here's

jay turner jay for jim or jim hello hello mrs turner yes yeah yeah good morning good morning

is it possible to speak to a gentleman please why well i just i need some impartial advice

from a gentleman but a gentlemanly problem no i don't think you can why but it's really

really imperative i really need some advice and some help it's a really important issue

i know and i'm really sorry but i really really need some help right now who are you i'm mr

stewart where'd you get this number from well i'm just i was quite close by and this is friend of a

friend um friend of john's and uh john sort of said i could call any sort of time no you can't

I know I'm really sorry but please

Can I please speak to the gentleman

No

Why

It's a serious situation

Why won't you help me

Yeah this is a serious situation

I have a sick husband

Oh he's sick is he

Well maybe you can help me

I'm trying to stick the phone up my

I'm trying to stick the phone up my arse

Please go away hang the phone up

Sorry what

Oh sorry I can't deal with that laughing

You and the phone, bro

Fucking hell

This is her again

Hello?

Hello, yeah, I just need a little bit of help

Just a little push

No

Just a little push up the bum

It's the middle of the night

Yeah, I know, but it's just a little push

Why not?

No

Is she even entertaining it?

That's halfway in

Is she even entertaining the idea of still staying on?

It's like saying no

Oh, brilliant, brilliant

It's impossible for me to do this

It's because it's just such a funny concept.

The dog says no.

Oh my god.

How incredulous is it?

Ah, shit.

Getting a call at this time of night.

Oh, I need help getting her.

She's falling on my ass.

I need the help of a gentleman.

I need the help of a man gentleman.

This shouldn't be a woman.

Just a little push.

No, you can't.

It's the middle of the night.

She sounded like a fucking queen.

Fuck it.

Oh, fuck it.

Can you call her back?

Yeah, yeah.

Already in progress.

progress hello hello yes um yeah how are you mr turner hello is that mr stewart it's mr stewart

yes okay thank you good night well hang on a minute mr mr turner hello

already quite familiar and fond of the name i can

getting around hello you've come through to dan and roger turner

on 012 i'm sorry we're not here to take a call at the moment but i won't leave a message

okay no message because it's stupid because they can play it to the police

okay that's your code of honor all right uh it's not my code of honor i didn't i don't want

to take it to the cops all right here's p turner p turner what's that milkman you were cut out

can you hello mr turner yeah how are you obvious mr stewart i need some some impartial advice from

i'm a gentleman do you think you could help me yes sometimes sometimes when i um sometimes when

i masturbate i like to stick a finger up my ass do you think that's normal yeah

i don't think i ever laugh as hard as i do when i'm doing pranks welcome to the messaging service

oh my god d thomas welcome to voicemail okay the person you have

called is unavailable we got no return on investment mn thomas thomas thomas thomas

thomas thomas thomas thomas with an r hello hello mrs thomas yes yes how are you what what is this

this is mr stewart how's it going this is the middle of the night yes i need uh i need some

help uh some late night help i apologize i know the hour is unholy but uh can i speak to the

The gentleman, please, of the house.

I don't think so. Why?

Why do you mean why not? Why do you mean no?

Well, what are you phoning? It's in the middle of the night.

I need a man. I need a strong man's help.

Where are you?

I'm just down the road.

What strong man?

I need a strong gentleman. Please let me speak to him.

There isn't a strong gentleman. My husband's not well.

Oh, okay. I hear that. But is it possible anyway to speak with him?

I don't think so.

Why not why?

Because it's the middle of the night, and if you don't stop,

I'm going to put the phone down, and I'm going to phone the police.

Perhaps you can help me then.

Perhaps you can help.

I'll call her back.

That's funny.

Try her again.

Her husband's not well.

The other one said that.

That's bullshit.

Nobody's well.

He's

probably pissing his pants right now hello hello how are

you mr thomas not very well thank you i'm sorry to hear that i wonder if you can help me who are

are you? I'm Mr. Stewart. No

shout. I, actually, you can

shout. Can you shout? I want to put the

phone deep into my

ass, into my rectum. And I

want you to shout. Can you do that so it vibrates?

You can do what the hell you like.

Yeah, but, well, I need your help.

Hello? No, don't put it in

your bum. I, hello?

There it goes. Are you putting it

in your, hello?

I love that long echo.

We have entered his ass.

Don't put it in your bum.

Hello?

Take it out of your...

Hello?

Mrs. Thomas?

Yeah, I can hear you talking.

Take it...

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Thomas, you.

Hey.

How are you today?

Hello?

Why aren't you saying any words?

Oh.

They're back there.

Hey!

Yeah, maybe they're back there doing something.

Hey!

Are you doing something back there?

Stop doing it.

Don't do that.

They left it off the hook, Jen.

Now we can't call them anymore.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

We can keep them on, but when we lose Milkman, I can only do two current phone calls.

That's okay.

Thanks a lot, Milkman.

It's okay.

Whatever, man.

I'm bombing you out.

I'm going to go.

That's what he's going to say.

That was good.

W.R. Thomas.

Don't put it into your bum, buddy.

You sounded awesome.

He spoke like a true sailor.

Welcome to BT answer 1571.

I hope one day they got BT answer 1572.

Is it not a version number?

Is it just a number you dial?

Is that why it's called?

Yeah, it's like a star 69 or something before the call.

But it's like instead of doing that, you just like we have a 1471, which is like who called us last.

then we have a 1571 which is the answering machine but that's only for bt there's other

service providers like sky and virgin and they have different things okay so for me to make

that comment it's stupid it's not okay it's ignorance of me not directly not intentionally

just ignorant no no not at all you can be ignorant not know about it and be okay yeah

no because you just honestly i get that a lot yeah like a milkman he doesn't believe in vaccination

termination no i don't get that i got bit by a rat i ain't getting that i threw the rat away i

didn't even keep his like a test out i may have rabies actually i've never had um any injections

at all i'm the terminator v edwards vedwards edwards uh eddie edwards and stewart sounds good

edwards and stewart it was like supposed to be a firm of some core of some kind

uh no yeah it's a yeah it's i think it's i'm not sure actually law firm yeah that's it sounds like

that marketing firm it sounds like a law firm for the people bye are you a vaccine truther

you don't like did you fail i just i just didn't i didn't have the opportunity to to take it when

they were giving them out at my school when i was younger i just i wasn't there on that day

and then um i didn't take the opportunity when they came back so i never got it in the end but

But it's more of a vaccination over your life, sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

But I just never have.

I think you're supposed to get them from the doctor.

You never had a shot or an injection of anything ever?

Nothing, no.

Ever?

You go to the doctors and never done them.

Have you ever had your blood drawn?

Oh, yeah, I've had my blood drawn, yeah, plenty of times, yeah.

So you've had venipuncture, but no.

Venipuncture, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I've had needles in me.

I've just not had any sort of vaccinations taken.

You had gas in your ass?

yeah i tried that yeah so i stuck the nozzle in my ass it was like up so let me tell somebody

about that i want to tell somebody that that happened hey all right here's the chevron gas

station this is like we could try that yeah let's try that that's brilliant and we're actually

complaining to the gas station oh my god it's like the way you say gas because it to you it's

like silly like it's the same petrol petrol yeah when you say gas it sounds like you're talking

It's about the gas, not petrol.

Not liquor.

Motion to the station, how may I help you?

Hello, yeah, you're at the station there, right?

Am I at the station?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I've got a complaint to make.

Are you the complaining lady?

Actually, I'm just a cashier.

I want you to take down my complaint.

Do you have a pen?

Do you mind giving me a second?

I have a line.

What do you mean you have a line?

Okay, please.

Thank you.

What?

Hello.

What the?

Hello?

she has a lot oh she has a customer oh a pack of swishers he's gonna smoke marijuana

no one smokes swishers for anything but for weed

yeah you open them up and you make a marijuana cigarette marijuana cigar with it

yeah it's called a split oh yeah is that what you guys do you guys rip off the cancer paper

and split it down no no no we did we took it by rizzlers but i didn't i think it's too hard

on the lungs so i tend to put that in a vaporizer and you microwave it for 10 seconds

no vaporizer you don't have a vaporizer no i don't like that stuff you don't like that stuff

you never tried it yeah hello hello yeah this is mr stewart i spoke to you a second ago

because i just came into the station so i'm not sure okay yeah i'm not just okay i just wanted

to take it down my complaint then give it to the manager give me just a second give the phone to

somebody else yeah okay hello hello oh so she wasn't talking not hello to you oh my god we'll

have a milkman milkman report did we lose it on long-range scanners milkman we lost milkman

i think milkman's being blocked from the stores

you okay hello hello yeah i'd like to talk to somebody please about making a complaint

You know what, you would have, the manager is not here.

Yeah, but you can take down, you can write it down, please.

Okay.

Okay, so you got a pen?

Yes, I do.

Sir, give me one quick second.

Yes.

Okay, I have a pen on hand.

How can I help you?

Excellent.

So I was there on the 4th of July.

What day was I there?

July 4th.

Exactly.

And I was actually outside in the yard, and one of the clerks came outside into my vehicle and invaded my space and took the nozzle from me without reason and claimed that, you know, it was within their right to do such a thing.

What did he do?

Well, you're saying that they took the nozzle from you.

Yes.

Right?

Yes, exactly.

What did you write down?

Who is this?

Mr. Stewart, Mr. Jim Stewart.

Write it down, please.

Jim Stewart, okay?

Jim Stewart, yes.

And actually, what have you got there so far?

Okay, well, you got the complaint that the clerk came out to the pump and invaded your privacy and took away the pump from you.

Yes, exactly.

And that was on the 4th, wasn't it, yes?

Yes.

Okay.

And so what I was doing, actually, I had the nozzle in my rectum, and I was pumping.

I was trying to put the gas.

I was trying to pump up on gas.

mm-hmm I needed gas and I because somebody had said to me I don't have

enough gas and I'm so I put the nozzle into the rectum and I put up pushed it

and the right sorry are you talking you're speaking about the vehicle

correct no okay your phone call is being recorded oh that's good yeah then you

don't need to write it down then do you you silly twat okay do you have a

callback number yeah no I don't actually it's it's it's in my it's in

my ass with the nozzle with the nozzle i need a phone call or i can just go ahead and have the

police yeah that's okay but can you tell them actually to come and bring some fire i need to

like because i still have some gas in my in my ass

still there these people have trouble you have to give a new meaning the butt chugging right there

buddy these people have a lot of trouble um when i call them on this new shit they have a lot of

trouble disconnecting the call yeah it takes a little while for it that's awesome it reminds

of your setup jen we're like it's straight up but not let them go at all yeah yeah keep them

connected it's brilliant when they had digital lines because they had more than one line yeah

and i did this with one taxi company which was a1 and i just did not let them hang up i just

kept calling the back and back and i was like yeah he could not hang up at all they got so pissed off

I know, yeah.

That's unusual.

Because they were losing business, so it was funny.

Is that still on YouTube, sir?

No, I took all the stuff off YouTube, but I'm thinking about putting it all on again.

So it's just got to give me some time.

All right, yeah, man.

Yeah.

Sucking dicks, too.

What?

Why did I say that?

I'm sorry, that's rude.

Let's continue calling.

It's a big day.

Yeah, it is.

Let's continue.

It's not as gay as the phone and the nozzle, but yeah, it's gay.

No, no, no.

That's funny.

That's funny gay.

I'm going to call that Del Taco that you called earlier.

earlier let me see if i can tell them i'm from the denny's let me change my color red tell them

that i got some of their shit i gotta come get the shit out of my fucking face reminiscent of the

milk band you you heard that call you were you were listening to that right when uh the the thing

between the best buy and the tj maxx two weeks ago oh man jim if you didn't hear that i gotta

share that with you yeah yeah send it to me it was really good i should edit it out completely

It was a good 20 minutes worth of stuff, but it was really funny.

Just calling from a Best Buy electronics store, Jen, to TJ Maxx, which is like a...

I've heard of TJ Maxx. I think we have that here.

Okay, there you go.

So I told them we had their shirts, seven boxes,

and had all the black guys that worked there were going through the boxes

and passing them back and forth and trading them and taking them home.

Big mess about the Best Buy and me cursing at them like,

Like, hey, motherfuckers, put that shit in the fucking box.

Yeah.

Good times.

Oh, man.

I got to really.

But that's up on the podcast.

I know you don't have time for that.

I do.

You just have to send me the link.

Selfish.

Yeah, you do.

I know.

Selfish.

Okay.

Anyway, call already is set, and we're calling the Delta Co.

I'll try not to.

Actually, I'll mute myself.

Then I'll leave off.

12-8-14, how can I help you?

Yeah, hey, this is Eddie over here at the Denny's next door.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got a box of your meats over here, I guess.

A box of what?

We got a box of your meats and taco shells, beans.

We got a bunch of your stuff over here that just got delivered.

Whoa.

Really?

It's like that?

Wow.

I think they know each other.

One organization between the other.

Hi.

Hello.

Yeah, do we get disconnected?

They'll talk by 814.

Yeah, I'm calling from the Denny's next door.

What the fuck?

I think because, Jin, you already mentioned the, uh, yeah.

Yeah, probably.

We're calling each other now.

Aw.

Sorry.

No, you're fine.

Um, well, let's see what else is near.

Angler's Tackles, they're going to be closed now.

I can call the hotel.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to let these people go.

Let's let them go.

Um, here's another hotel, though.

Nice.

Holiday Inn in Oceanside, Richard speaking.

How can I drive you home?

Richard, how are you?

Dickie boy.

I'm doing good.

how you do today i'm okay i'm a glad i'm not okay i'm i'm a wheelchair user you see i'm not okay

i actually wanted to call about wheelchair access one more time i'm sorry i couldn't hear you

wheelchair access yes we do have wheel actions uh rooms yes we do yes sir yeah how big is the

how wide because i have a rather large wheelchair uh it has four wheels it's a little bit larger

than your average wheelchair got it um our rooms are actually we're known for the sizes of a room

so our rooms are pretty big um they we are we do have wheelchair accessible and those do have a

bathtub for you as well oh that's nice but what about what i need access to the room of course

you know and access to the premises and with the wheelchair being the size it is i don't actually

think i don't know if you have it because i called you know several hotels and i couldn't find any

so far that had a wide enough door to fit this thing through how big is the door the measurements

measurements exactly i'm not a hundred percent sure now do you think you could get the width

approximately roughly how wide is it um i'm gonna say give me a second say right about

six on the wide uh how many centimeters is that i'm not a hundred percent sure to be a hundred

percent with you i probably my schlong is bigger than that i think let's see i think uh the problem

is it's quite a wide you know it's difficult to get through and i can't you know i'm quite a

heavy gentleman so i would need someone to assist me uh maybe take me off the wheelchair while they

move it inside and then put it down again that would be perfect i mean that would be no problem

at all for us uh we do have our engineers here 24 hours we can always you may need some big strong

men do you have many of those oh plenty yes sir no that would be no problem we can definitely take

care of that for you thanks and they can come into the room with me they can assist me in the room

of course as long as that's okay with you you can always just give us a call to the front desk

and we can always just send somebody up to your room.

That sounds nice.

You can send anybody to the big strong men into my room?

Anytime.

Just let us know, sir.

We'll go ahead and send them up

and they can definitely help you.

They're more than welcome to help you with your wheelchair.

And if we need to carry you inside the room,

then help you with the wheelchair,

we'll definitely do that.

What about getting into the bed?

We can definitely help.

We do have somebody here 24 hours.

We have plenty of employees,

so we will assist you as best as we can.

And they will not have a problem with my nakedness

and my body?

Not at all, sir.

We do have any towels,

so we need to wrap you up

and help you out.

We can definitely help you out.

Oh, I like that.

That sounds nice.

What if I wanted

a little bit more than that?

As in?

As in maybe I'd like to

get somebody to put their fist

in me or something.

Excuse me?

Like, what if I wanted

a fisting, a good fisting?

Oh, shit.

Excuse me?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I can't help but laugh

it's just the concept

I like it

it's just so funny

he was fine

up until that

it was

really quick

this is how to prime them

I can't wait

thank you for calling

Holiday Inn in Oceanside

Richard speaking

hello Richard

Diggy boy

how about that fisting mate

of course

and we have you at

yeah is that

is that how many times

you're going to fist me

that sounds lovely

of course

we do have it

linked to the

when can we start

it's gonna

it will definitely

it will start routing

your phone call

within the next 30 seconds

if you want to

I'm not talking about routing

I want the ramming

you know with the fist of course we can definitely ask oceanside police for that one would you like

to transfer you there yeah yeah please if the big men there that would be nice okay sounds good sir

you sound like a big boy yourself would you like to give me a good fisting i think he's actually

transferring it if he does not i got it if he does like okay i think so because i heard it

oh they wouldn't take that long to answer yeah economy's bad it takes a while

our crime 9-1-1 emergency hi we got transferred we got transferred you from a hotel a hotel i can't

hear you we got transferred you from a hotel do you have an emergency no you don't need police

or paramedics no i don't know okay i'll cancel the call thank you all right bye

i just didn't want to leave a hang-in you know uh yeah no problem how did he how did he do that

uh he's you're not supposed to just drop someone it's that's like calling 9-1-1 and hanging up

that's very irresponsible yeah but they would they would have had his number not your number

yeah i know but that's why i was like i was trying to oh yeah fine because then if if police goes out

there then they'll be like well who is this person i called you you know yeah yeah but you know they

took a while to pick up their operating yeah yeah i've called 9-1-1 before and it had to take a long

time i've had really sometimes i mean over here it's literally instant yeah right over here like

get put on hold and all the time wow like when you first call in yeah no wow over here it's

like literally you just dial 999 there's someone on those phones straight away yep i think milkman

freaked out about it he's always he's married that's not there man armada no man he's on hold

Nope, man.

You there?

Amaro.

Yo.

Who can't be calling Amaro?

Amaro.

You did the wrong thing, man.

You got it.

Hang that up, man.

All right.

These numbers are coming in from Neon, who senses Kentucky, which I've had a lot of success

with calling Kentucky this week.

Very interesting people there, Kentucky.

Holy shit.

Do you think any of them want to fight?

I don't know, man.

Yeah.

So, redneck area.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and in between redneck, yeah.

Like Dukes of Hazzard.

You used to watch that show when you were a kid, right?

Dukes of Hazzard.

You probably liked it.

I don't even know.

Don't say that.

Yorkie Shih Tzu puppies.

How the fuck old do you think I am?

Jesus.

28.

Oh, well done.

I'm good.

I'm actually 27.

No, but you were conceived.

You were alive in your mom's belly.

Already?

In her belly button.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Are you doing this?

Yeah, hi, is this, uh, you got a Yorkie Shih Tzus for sale?

Uh, yes, I do.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, how big are they?

They got a lot of meat on them?

Meat on them?

Mm-hmm.

Same guy you called last night?

No.

Well, I mean, they're Yorkie Shih Tzus.

Some of them are stockier.

Okay.

Ones that look like Yorkies are thinner, of course.

Ones that have more Shih Tzu.

Mm, that sounds good.

They all have the black silky hair.

Okay, yeah.

I have a big pot over here.

It's already boiling.

and then we got some carrots

and celery in it already.

Do you have a rehoming feed?

That was the Warner...

Would you prefer

fricassee in or broilings?

In the Warner Brothers

cartoons, right,

there was the pot of...

The first...

They always cut off

the carrots and the celery

as they were trying to cook.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

But they were kittens,

weren't they?

Yeah.

Like six kittens.

I do remember that.

Which movie was that?

Well, no.

It was...

Like, whenever...

It would be, like,

either Daffy Duck

would be getting hunted

by someone or...

Ah, no, no.

I distinctly remember

remember a specific movie sorry i thought you're talking about an actual hollywood movie yeah well

yeah but several times like bugs bunny for example someone would say oh yeah here have a bath and

he'd be in a boiling pot and they come by and cut with carrots and shit in it like getting ready to

cook them nice he'd be like oh i'm taking a bath he's a fucking asshole bugs i know you're a big

fan of his but he can be he could be a real asshole sometimes yeah second eye fits well

Yeah, he's got a fucking smile.

I just want to punch the fuck out of him.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was cheering for that bull when the bull fought him.

He was all matador.

He was all showing off.

Oh, I'm cool.

I'm the fresh prince.

Oh, he'll kill you.

Should try and get those dogs to fight each other.

Yeah, you need some good used carpet.

Oh, what are you looking to do?

Are you looking to roll up some dogs in it?

Throw them off a bridge?

Oh, okay.

What do you need them for?

I need a house.

Oh, you got a new house?

or fixing up a piece of shithouse oh yeah i got a lot of remnants and i got about uh i got about

one acre's worth of uh like this scotch plaid kind of thing it's it's one acre's worth one acre

yeah you could cover a whole acre with how much i have you're welcome to have as much of it as

you want it can't fell off of a truck yeah i'll break you off so how many feet square feet you

need maybe yeah well come on bubba you thought you had measurements and all that ready if you're

looking for carpet you know you're gonna put on a condom you gotta be ready to fuck you know

what i'm saying this is eddie this is eddie eddie friend well you put an anonymous ad i i feel you're

groping down there i hear you yeah i feel it too no i got carpet i feel what you're doing i hear

your your voice changing your breathing i feel you're groping down there in your pecker yeah i

guess that's what you're doing that oh yeah i'm just rubbing the head a little bit oh i'll put

put the guy who knows you on the phone hello hello hello hello hi nashby we're on a prank call

be quiet what's up beef hello sorry yeah not you not you idiot dash be quiet we're calling

oh shit i hung up on that oh i'll get him back hey i hung up on you an accident i'm sorry that's

all right beef sorry we were calling this guy and i said what did i say it sounded to me like

it was jerking it so i started saying groping what are you sick are you sick i love that quote

you want to ready to fuck you

sort of movie crimson tide i have no all right hello yeah are you ready ready for the carpet

no come on help me get rid of this carpet well i get you throw it over the hill i can't i can't

be dumping carpet are you crazy get back where you got it i thought it'd be a good deal next

Next thing I know, I've got an acre's worth of fucking carpet.

Well, I'm sure you can find something to do it.

What about the 30-gallon hot water heater?

What about it?

I got one.

Why don't you want?

I ain't got time to mess around with you.

Come on.

Put your wife on the phone.

I bet you she'll take it.

They put a second number in there.

Nashville, you got like a TV in the background?

I don't know.

No, I put it on mute, bud.

Oh, now maybe, but I heard a TV.

I heard something.

Like, I heard something.

Dude.

Reached mailbox number six.

Number six.

You like that tune?

Nice.

Yeah, man.

Nice.

Love that beat.

For Sailor Trey, 2004 dirt bike.

Nashby, how's your trip going?

Are you still out of town?

Are you still driving?

What's going on?

Nashby.

Oh, he's meeting himself.

Oh, he's doing a milkman.

Is that a dirt bike?

Yeah.

What's going on, computer?

How you doing, beef?

There you are.

Hey.

Yeah, sorry, I had you on mute for a minute.

It's your holiday.

How's your holiday?

Smash.

Man, my man, what's up?

What's happening, B?

Not much.

Did that work?

Oh, man, I'm going to crash.

Right on.

Did you get that last email I sent you?

Yeah, man, I'll get with you on that after the show.

All right, man, that should fix it.

If you're tired of just leaving me a message, bye.

No, we don't leave messages.

Say that, leaving a little message.

A little message, bro.

A little message.

Come on, dirt bike guy, pick up.

You can do it.

after this we got fresh cabbage and potatoes yeah put potatoes in your ass

jen mccall will boil the whole potato yeah and then we'll have a cabbage when we're done oh

that's interesting that's a very interesting here we go cabbage and potato okay that's a

really interesting concept you want me to try this yeah yeah yeah go for it

i've been putting things in my ass all night i know i'm fine it's making me laugh

I'm taking a break because I've got to do a 12-hour show in two weeks.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

What about the potatoes?

You have those?

How many have you got there?

17.

Say, how big are they?

27 inches.

Each?

Each of them are 27 inches?

What kind of stupidity is that?

What?

Okay.

Try again.

Must have hurt me.

Damn.

Sound like a kid, too.

Yeah, a little girl.

A little fucker.

She was giving you her preferred dildo size there, Jim.

Maybe.

Nope, but that was a child.

I don't think so.

Shit, damn it.

That's a shame.

Oh, well.

Maybe we'll see more potatoes later tonight.

That could have been quite funny.

I'd have said I had a fantasy.

All right, Dwight, look for numbers with potato in them if you're listening.

Instead here, we have an electric guitar.

Yeah.

Milkman, you want to do a prank, or are you with a customer?

I can do what I can do.

What the hell kind of guitar is it?

Oh, my God.

It doesn't say electric guitar.

guitar they also have an elvis collectible doll for 30 bucks is it a blow-up doll i don't know

can you can you do things to it can you fuck its mouth yeah that's that uh so that's fucking

elvis is gonna say hey babe what's going on and then when you get to the guitar part if you need

me to like help help with the guitar part do that and if not okay sounds good oops yeah yeah i

wanted that the elvis guy you calling the elvis guy yeah elvis collectible doll i'm gonna try

try something really silly but it might work depending on what kind of person picks up hello

how are you fantastic this is mr stewart i am interested in the elvis doll i heard you've got

an elvis doll yeah how big is it uh it's your son can i talk to your son sure yeah okay hello buddy

how are you yeah not bad they told me you had an elvis doll and i just wanted to inquire about it

how big is it oh oh i see it's not a big life-size doll it's not the big ones oh no but 12 inches i

I mean, that's quite large.

That should be large enough.

I mean, just, you know, if you take the doll and you put it outside of the house, do you know what you say?

You didn't get that.

It was like the collector Barbie's cases.

I would be more interested in taking it out of the case and putting it into perhaps your bum.

I said I'd like to stick it up your ass, Elvis.

Yes.

You like the concept.

You know, the Bible says that people that go after leprosy and abortion and homosexuality are an eternal situation.

Maybe you can bless my soul, Father.

Listen, what about if I stick the Elvis doll up your father's ass?

You know, you probably wouldn't live.

Well, first I'll put you on the table, then I'll tie you to the table,

and then I'll spread your bum cheeks a little bit apart, you know,

and then maybe I'll spit a little bit, like, and then put you inside.

You know, buddy, you're a sick-minded individual, and that's what's wrong with this world.

No, don't be nasty. That's a bad thing to say.

You need the power of God over your life, buddy.

You need the whole nother...

You'd slap it, wouldn't you? You'd slap it.

I'd rip your you dress up the only thing the only thing that keeps me from it is I'm the love even though when you're sick

Don't this work out of conviction and that you stay soul father got a save me father save it

The man, the demon

And he's speaking with the time

And I'm telling you, you will die

Amen

You will not be able to come back

Amen

Jesus Christ

Wow

Save that man

That guy went off on one, what the fuck was that?

Well, I was hoping that you threw out a white devil at me

But, dude, I was wanting you to switch it on.

That's what I was hoping for.

I barely said anything.

This guy started raging about the fucking devil.

What the hell?

White devil Carlito.

He was quoting Leviticus, and, yeah, he, wow.

He went off on it.

He got scriptural, man.

You really, really disappointed this guy.

I loved it.

He expected to have it in his own record.

He's going to rip your lips off.

He's going to rip your lips off, dude.

Call him back, Carlito.

Yeah, let me talk to him again.

He's going to rip your lips off.

Oh, and I apologize.

Let me apologize.

I got such a good idea.

Let me talk to him again, please.

Rip your lips off.

Your face.

Babe, pick up.

Bah.

Okay.

Bugger, bugger.

Maybe I'll circle back to him later.

Here's a...

Hey, when you turn on the white devil attachment on the mixer, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I scrambled for that too late.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Get ready for next time, man.

When we call him back, maybe that would be hilarious.

Nice.

There you go.

Perfect.

Oh, wow.

All right.

Two dryers for sale and a large capacity washer.

Washer.

Yeah.

For those of you just joining us and confused, yes, our time is now 8 p.m. Eastern that I

start, not 10.

4.

8 p.m. Eastern, 5 p.m. Pacific.

We've been on since then.

We've been on for two and a half hours going on now.

Hello.

Yeah.

I see you got two dryers.

Oh, yeah.

Dan, why are you trying to get rid of them?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

All right.

You don't want to dry your clothes anymore?

You got a new dryer?

Do they rock a lot?

Do they rock back and forth a lot, any of them?

No.

Can you make it so they rock back and forth more?

Can't you just adjust the little foot thing, little screw on it to make it a little uneven?

Well, because, see, this is kind of a gift from my wife.

um i'm gonna put her to wash and dry you know but she also likes to get on top you got a washer

there right you got a large washer i sold a wheelhouse and that washer do you is it the

kind that moves a lot when it's a spin cycle i move a little bit but not much uh well my my wife

kind of straddles him like a horse like she's on a big horse um while it's running and she gets a

feeling down there you know you know how the feeling down there are women to get who am i

talking to this is rex rex rex rex rex who uh rex dogarmelo uh-huh and she needs a nice she needs a

nice rickety washer to get her off you know sexually get her off down there you know to

lubricate her vulva really good more well yeah what i need is a nice washer that moves a lot

so my woman can straddle it and fuck it basically that's what i'm trying to do oh i can probably fix

it to where it would all right you can what how do you you just think just make it uneven on the

bottom maybe we can put a bowling ball in it so it goes back and forth a lot you think i was thinking

put a bowling ball in it you know ah you couldn't do that no shit well we can fix it so it really

makes a lot of motion so you know when you when a woman rides on it she gets off real real hard

you know has a real hard orgasm real hard no i guess well i guess too motherfucker i don't know

i'm gonna i'm gonna put someone else on about the washer someone else anyone nashby you got

a question about the washer yeah man i got a question about your washer yeah um if i were

to take your wife and if i were to have her set her hands on top of it could i fuck her uh doggy

child on it uh no i don't know who this is so sharing is caring my brother sharing is caring

my brother no yes sir don't yeah don't appreciate the phone call oh come on now i want to fuck your

wife just once she'll like it oh i don't know what else to do with the guy it's just sorry man

i just did what came to mind yeah i know that's all i was trying to do i don't appreciate the

phone call i i could probably fix it so it does that he's like i could do that damn um are we

still all together here yeah yeah let's see the harbor pelican store is closed sailboats the jolly

roger restaurant open still still open the jolly roger this sounds like a seafood restaurant jim

would you like to call a seafood restaurant yeah no i took that i'd like to talk to anybody right

now good talk you shall posting their website hello how are you how are you yeah not actually

that good because i was there recently and i was disappointed with what i saw sorry yeah but one of

the uh you know one of the people who was working there they were but they were picking their nose

and then they ate it oh that's disgusting isn't it it is why are you laughing about it then i'm

It's a serious matter. It's disgusting. I need to complain about it.

Okay, well, I can get my manager for that.

Hello, was it you? Are you sure?

Yes.

You were laughing about it. Why were you laughing about it?

I can get my manager if you want to tell him.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like that. What's your name?

Um, Taylor.

Okay, Taylor, let me speak to the manager, please.

All right, please hold.

Oh, I'm going to put her in the show.

Oh, shit.

Nice old music.

Hello, Daniel. This is Mr. Stewart.

Good. I spoke to Taylor, and I called up because I had a bad experience in the restaurant,

and one of the staff was picking the nose and then ate it, and it was actually a young lady.

And when I called and I told her, she was laughing about it.

Yeah, she laughed. I said, you know, I said that's what I saw, and then she laughed.

When did this?

Yesterday.

Yesterday. About what time of day?

About the same time as it is now.

This is my only free time in the, you know, the late afternoon.

Where were you sitting?

Close to the window.

Yeah, near the door, you know.

In which dining room?

The main one.

You know, when you come in, you're taking it down or what happens.

Yeah, yeah.

So, but I don't understand.

Why was she laughing about it?

Do you think it was her?

No, you know, she's a young girl.

I don't know her in that.

It's not really funny, though, is it?

I mean, it's disgusting.

No, it's not.

It's not from our standpoint.

Yeah, but I mean, I think it's fine to do that in private, you know.

I think most people do that in private, you know.

Yeah, well, that's definitely unacceptable in the workplace.

place i mean that yeah even but in private you know that's fine if that's what they do in private

then that's their business but that's normal i mean that's what all humans do did you do that

um sometimes i pick my ear you know you don't you don't happen to know the server's name it

wasn't your was it your server yeah i'm pretty sure it was taylor she wasn't here yesterday

no well i think you know either way i know you're sticking up for her so you know i think it's

No, I'm not. I'm literally telling you, she wasn't at work yesterday. I was the manager on duty all day long.

So it was another young girl then. But I think it's not, you know, I just don't understand it, you know, like, so I think it's, I don't know, actually, what do you think about that on a personal level? Do you think it's a normal thing?

I mean, I guess I could see that some people do that.

Have you ever done it?

It definitely shouldn't be done here in the workplace.

But have you ever done it yourself?

yourself i'm not here to talk about that sir well i'm just saying because maybe it'd make me feel

better about if i've done it no i mean have you done it that's that's up to you i don't you know

that's not any of my business but yeah i'm just saying have you done it maybe when i was younger

that's disgusting man why would you do that well i don't know yeah i don't know was it you who did

it yesterday then am i do i sound like a young female i don't know but it could have been you

I mean, you said you pick your nose, so...

It was not me.

Could have been.

What is your name?

Mr. Stewart.

Mr. Stewart, what's your first name?

Gene Stewart.

Sometimes, you know, some people, they pee in the shower.

Do you do that?

Is this a joke phone call?

No, what do you mean a joke?

Are you laughing about it as well now?

Yeah, you're asking me some very silly questions.

Well, you said you pick your nose, so do you pee in the shower?

I did not say that I pick my nose.

You did.

I said, do you pick your nose?

I'm hanging up.

You said, yes, you do.

You said you did.

Now you have to go back and tell him that she uh just tell her that she

He left he was still there. Sorry milkman. We got you back

Whenever calls disconnect remember milkman. There's a loss in communication between us and you

So you think we can talk to them again? Yeah. Oh, okay. So i'm talking to myself for a minute

okay i got you do you ever hear me like a hold music play like when i'm connected yeah i hear

your music when it's dialing i hear the ringing the music thing yeah that's when you hear that

music that means that it's in transition right right i didn't catch it on the end okay cool yeah

i was wondering because it says on hold on my end that's what it sounds like yeah i like it

yeah how are you doing it's mr stewart again yeah i'm okay yeah i uh i think as a revenge because

You know, you picked your nose and ate it.

I want to come in there.

I'm going to pee in the sink.

Okay.

Is it okay?

All right.

What do you mean, all right?

It's disgusting.

Why would you say it's okay?

You're a strange man.

You know that?

All right.

First you pick your nose, then you pee in the shower,

and then it's okay for a man to pee in the sink.

What's wrong with you?

Pee in the shower.

Yeah, you said you'd do that.

Oh, I did.

I did, yes.

Yeah, well, you said it.

Okay, so you're coming in?

Yeah.

What do you mean, am I coming in?

What's wrong with you people?

Yeah, are you coming in the restaurant to pee in the sink?

That's what you just said, correct?

I'm going to come in and pee in your mouth, you dirty bastard.

Oh, you're going to your mouth, I'm a dirty bastard.

He was not.

Oh, shit.

Dude, oh my goodness.

I don't think that was the same guy.

No, it wasn't.

I'm going to call again.

Fuck it.

You want to talk to him?

Yeah, let's see if I can get through.

Hardcore, pee in your mouth.

Hardcore, man.

Max hardcore.

Yeah.

How'd you know about that?

Oh, hang up, hang up.

It's all over.

It's all over, Johnny.

Colorific him.

I could change the ID, if that's what you mean.

Did he have us on speakerphone?

Yeah, kind of, maybe.

A neon saying that you could hear the other people's reactions.

Yeah, you could.

I didn't hear that.

Yeah, I did hear it, so maybe that's what's up.

It's harder for me to actually hear them than it is for you guys.

I sound crystal clear on the stream for some reason.

Well, yeah, it's my setup, unfortunately.

Unfortunately.

That's okay.

I mean, because when you listen to it, I mean, for the listeners,

which is really the perspective you want to be caring about,

it's the perfect discussion.

Yeah, mixed audio is different than the local audio.

You're right, Jim.

No, this place, I've had to boost their audio,

bring you guys down and boost them up.

They picked up, by the way.

You didn't even hear them.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, watch.

I'll call them again.

I have to adjust you guys in order.

So I'm bringing you guys down and turning everything up.

Now you'll hear them.

Thank you.

Some places you call, they're just quiet.

Thank you for calling the Jolly Roger.

This is Megan speaking.

speaking. How can I help you? Hello? Hello? Yeah, I wanted to make an order. Okay, I'm going to put

you on hold and have the host pick up with you. It'll just be one minute. Okay, sexy. Hello? Yeah,

so let's make an order, please. Okay, for three or pick a picker. One avocado blast, one mozzarella

sticks, one foot of onion rings, one chicken wings, one chicken spring rolls, one shrimp cocktail,

tail one chicken lettuce wraps one cheese quesadilla got it one grilled vegetable platter

one calamari strips one coconut shrimp okay and that's it can i get a total one moment please

thank you gone too far this time with which to take this home that is so rightfully mine

perfect we do we press forward i'm getting a complicated order total so i can start taking

stuff off of it to piss them off he was an american rhythm and blues gospel singer all right

i'm giving up it was a r&b and gospel singer songwriter pastor community advocate faster yeah

we we talked to a pastor earlier that elvis guys he's still around we can call him back

fuck yeah you still have his number yeah i do oh yeah i marked that i didn't save it

we're gonna be taking a break pretty soon so i can stretch and hydrate all right i'm back

hey motherfucker good good okay here's the christian scripture guide keep in mind i am

on tiny chat tiny chat tiny chat.com in effect hello how are you it's mr stewart that was the

dad shit sounds like he's still wound up back there i think try him again because i thought

That'll probably piss him off.

Maybe the son will pick up now.

Yeah, exactly.

Stop calling here in the name of Jesus.

Because you're the one that talks shit about his death.

Yeah, true.

Let me tell you something.

I love these crazy people.

It's brilliant.

Listen, I'll put you on call by ID, and I'm reporting you to the police.

You're not going to report me to Jesus.

In the name of Jesus.

Every count's going to be a count of harassment.

It's a Jesus.

I'm documenting it now.

In the name of Jesus.

In the name of Jesus, says Jen.

Nice.

Oh, boy.

I had to take that break.

i'm a sorry cat uh when i come back we got more numbers here to get to jim stewart you're gonna

hang on you gotta go uh no no i'm fine i'm good milkman will be here we'll keep him connected as

long as we can let's stick some more friends on my ass yeah yeah we'll have more people probably

joining we got a farm boss chainsaw for sale a call also a wedding dress two bicycles kawasaki

Saki dirt bikes, blue jean shorts.

Wow.

And we got a trailer for sale.

We got a lot of things to get to.

All right.

I'll be right back in about six, six,

seven something like that thank you

bye i mean not by you know your gps in your box door at the bottom so when you die you open up

trap door at the bottom you check the gps and you go straight radio is back you are bigger than a

woman be behind you a woman make you who you are you know you got this fantasy in your head about

Now, getting out of the life and setting the corporate world on air.

You're going to do except hustle.

God damn it, that was loud.

Anyway.

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

I'm Carlito.

I'm here with Milkman.

Yeah.

I'm here with Jen.

Jen.

What's up, what's up?

Nashby.

Hey, what's up, guys?

KDK.

Yeah.

We're all here having a good night, having a good time.

Can't wait to have KK, man. It's gonna be great. Gonna get to talk to him about all the

All the things. I got so many questions to ask him about when he was in Howard Stern's

He was in Howard Stern? Yeah, he had sex with a man, remember? What? Oh, you know he had sex with a trans

Oh yeah, but this was ages before

This was like a long time before Howard was really very famous. Now he's a fucking X Factor

Howard Stern he's been

famous for a long time

maybe not he's not been

that popular now he's a

lot more popular than

back in the day like what

was it like six seven

eight nine ten years ago

or something I don't

know 96 he was yeah 96

I had this movie came

out man shit you know I

don't like him to be

honest I like him maybe

it was 97 but still

fine he probably doesn't

like me either he heard

your stuff is like no it's whack so you said i don't know it's whack it's work um well i had a

whole bunch of numbers i was just talking about let me go to the top of that list and we got a

2000 grand prix for sale i don't want to do cars i don't know i'm going to try to be eugene stewart

i'm going to say i want to pee on it all the different car parts okay and these oranges are

not sweet they're sour you gotta you gotta start the office yeah yeah yeah hey how you doing

Oh, Hoss, you got a 2000 Grand Prix?

Yeah.

Why did you get rid of it?

What's going on?

Did you lose your feet?

Hello?

I guess.

What happened?

You got diabetes?

Who is it?

It was Rick.

That's all you got to add for a 2000 Grand Prix GT.

Grand Prix?

I never knew how to pronounce that right.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

2000 Grand Prix.

What?

Yeah, it's a 2000 Grand Prix.

Okay.

Anything wrong with it and the body of the car?

Is it still got all its parts?

Yeah, it's got a dent on the hood.

One on the right front fender.

What's the dent from?

From porking?

No, they hit a deer.

Okay.

All right.

And so you hit the deer and it landed on the top of the hood?

No, it didn't.

It didn't got the front edge of it.

It didn't hit it enough to do a whole lot of damage, but it still had done enough.

The hood opens and closes all right.

Oh, good, good.

To make it look all right, it would need another hood, you know.

Yeah?

Did the deer die?

Did the deer survive, or was it enough to...

I don't know.

I wasn't the one driving it, wasn't I?

Who was it?

Was it your stupid wife?

No.

No, I don't have a wife.

Oh, are you gay?

No.

Are you?

I'm bi.

Bisexual.

You know what that means?

If you just call to be a fucking smart-ass, you can just...

No, I want to buy the car, motherfuckers.

What's going on?

Oh, me is mine.

Hey, hey, hey.

We can call Chris and Scripture Guy.

Yeah.

Fucker, yeah.

Come on, Jen.

Yeah.

Yeah, are we calling him now?

No, no, no.

Hello?

Hey, boy, come on.

Don't be like that.

Come on, be a friend.

Hello?

I was trying to.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I was gargling semen.

Are you there?

Yeah.

All right.

Now, how can we proceed?

where can i see the car test drive it can i come to your house your private house what yeah you

could uh you could see it but right now it would be tuesday oh oh yeah what's going on tomorrow

oh yeah you're gonna do some fucking huh whatever leave him alone carlos

i'm sorry i was goggling semen oh i was gonna say something at the end of that call carlito

something nasty it rubs a lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

it's been done but funny nunu wants me to teach you a new indian word can't you say okay what uh

what do you know you know mother chud you know ben chud ben chud uh hello hello yeah hello

mother chud i was calling about a eight inch tablet you got for sale uh can you ask uh all

All right, Bubba.

Thank you.

Yep.

Hello?

Yeah, you got an 8-inch tablet for sale, is it?

I do.

All right.

Is that an Android or what kind of tablet is that?

It's an Android.

It runs on the KitKat.

KitKat?

It's got the Google Play Store.

What is that, an Acer, HP?

What is that?

Hisense.

Oh, I've never heard of that.

It sounds like a Chinese or a Korean company.

Yeah.

They were the first of those kind of tablets with the dual camera.

What is it, a Snapdragon on that?

What's it got, an Acer Snapdragon?

samsung does it get the netflix and all that whatever uh so you can put on there real big

it comes up real big netflix says on the whole on the main point on the main portrait is that

how it works though this is real big netflix like that on the big one you play then you go in and

you check you check you play right yeah it just and it works and just like the youtube and

everything youtube yeah you can run youtube and netflix you can do whatever you want to do yeah

Yeah, yeah, and I got the Wi-Fi station.

I got a Wi-Fi station here.

They call it a Wi-Fi station, you know?

A, it says Wi-Fi ABGM, A-B-G-N.

I don't know what that stands for, A-B, it's a Wi-Fi station, that's it.

Yeah, anything that transmits.

802.1, 802.1, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right, and eighth inch is there, and that's diagonal?

Oh, that's good, so I can put that in my friend's ass.

my friend's ass

I can put that right in there

and play a porno

you guys have

you guys have a lot of fun

doing this

I mean how old are you

I want to fuck him in the ass

while I hold the

the tablet

that sounds

that sounds like a lot of fun

I would enjoy that

yeah

how old are you guys

are you

gas gas

are you in kindergarten

gas

no you gas

if you get it right

you get a brownie

here here we go

I'm going

I stole some brownies

off some little girls

earlier

you guys

do you guys have like a job

or

we just sit around

mostly

I got both.

I have both.

I'd like to come visit you.

Where are you at?

I'll come and visit you, and then you can join us in a little game.

We like to play this game where one of us puts an item into the other person,

and then the other person puts the item back into the first person.

You guys are really good.

The three of us could do that.

We could put something in you.

We'll put gas in you.

No, you won't put nothing in me, buddy.

I'll tell you that right now.

Oh, come on.

You'll be sick because I heard you try to put something in me.

I'll tell you that right now.

have you ever done it before or not have you never done it listen yeah i told you once

documenting each one of these calls you ever get a prostate exam i've gone through this before if

you got a prostate exam you're a gay and let me give you a tip i know i know i just want to give

you a tip not only that i'm going to record every call that you call so i'm going to have your voice

on there you're not going to be able to say oh it's all in your voice why are you talking like

that why i don't talk like that who talks like that you idiot he knows you're german let me

Yeah.

Tell it to me.

Tell me.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

We're serious.

What do you want to say?

Go on.

Say it.

Oh.

Hello.

Why aren't you saying it?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Turn around.

Okay.

What are you going to do?

Get.

What are you doing?

Listen.

Oh.

You're going to speak in tongues.

I'm going to put your tongue in my, with my tongue.

Put your tongue in my ass, boy.

Dare you challenge me.

Dare you to challenge me.

Wait a minute.

I don't challenge you.

The spirit of God challenged you.

I AM THE SPIRIT OF SATAN!

...authority over you, too, and it rebuked you, and it took power that you have, buddy.

BLEH!

YOUR FATHER SUCKS COCKS!

I REBUKE THIS DEVIL IN-

YOUR FATHER SUCKS COCKS!

I REBUKE YOU TO SPIT IN ME,

REBUKE YOU NUMNESS OVER IT,

AND THEN IN THE CAMP,

SHUT UP YOUR MOTHER IN THE ASS!

I TAKE AUTHORITY OVER YOU!

WILL NOT!

YOU WILL NOT!

OH, I KNOW SATAN, NO!

UGH, SATAN'S POWER IS JESUS!

I THINK I GOT SHIT NOW!

Hello? We feel better now.

Yeah. We're healed.

Healed. It's like Jesus came down and healed us.

We had a PCF exorcism here. A madhouse exorcism performed upon us.

What, boy?

What'd you say?

What'd you try to do? Fuck a man in the coat sheets.

What?

Fuck a right in the pussy.

Sounds good.

Hang up. That was fun. That was fucking weird. What the hell happened there?

Get out. I'm gonna talk in tongues.

Get out of the room. He was whispering to like,

Get out of the room. I'm gonna talk in tongues.

He was telling his son to get out of the room because he was going to talk in tongues.

That's so fucking weird, man.

Who does that shit?

He was going to minister to us.

Fucking hell, people like this have fucking children.

That's fucking weird.

Yeah, I know.

Fucking hell, man.

These kids are going to turn out so fucked up.

You're just going to have an ever-going circle of fucking nutjobs.

I know.

I'm calling back.

Every call's going to be recorded.

Can I talk to him?

Hello?

Hey, man.

How are you?

it's uh it's it's uh a father steward we i i converted to uh you know christianity while i

was uh while we weren't talking hello well i don't think he likes i don't know it's i think

he's trying to get us with recording and shit ah yeah we don't want that like you said we don't

yeah we don't need that shit it's just a waste of time anyway what's he gonna do he's gonna play

it to the police it's fucking live you can download it is that yeah it's already being

being recorded we could all play it to the police police probably laugh at it yeah probably yeah

it's funny speaking tongues what the fuck get out i'm gonna speak in tongues he just kept

repeating himself he's got a priest to us get out of the room i'm gonna speak in tongues to this guy

get out of the room i'm gonna speak in tongues been an interesting night jen you've been uh

steering a shit most of the night you've been doing a good job thank you i want to thank you

From the bottom of my ass

Where my tablet is

When I fuck you in the ass

I know I've got Elvis, I've mined

Anyone connect? Anybody?

Good evening

Hey, homo

Hey, bitch motherfucker

Hey, Jim Stewart

Hey, Dwight

Neon's here

Neon!

Oh, hello, Jim Stewart

Oh, hello, sexy

Like, see, you can suck it.

Saucy chalk.

Fanny.

Didn't you have a list of British terms you were using once?

You were just going through them?

I was.

I need to find it.

I think I bookmarked it.

That was fun.

You were doing pretty good using them all.

There were a couple people that actually knew what they were.

Yeah, cool.

A composter.

I guess you take all your shit and you put it in there and it becomes mulch.

Yeah, it's not shit.

I mean, you just put vegetation in there.

Oh, here we go.

Do you do it?

Of course I do.

Of course.

I agree with that.

I have a nice little garden.

It's a zen garden.

Do you put your tea bags in there?

No tea bags, no.

I just have, like, little bonsais.

Little fountain.

I built myself.

In your composter?

Not in my fucking composter.

No, in the garden.

Do you have a composter for sale?

Yeah.

My mom has.

Well, put that stupid, silly woman on the phone.

I can get it going, you know?

So I can buy it.

Well, what?

Well, who's selling?

What kind of a person are you?

I'm a person with big American dollars.

I'm an oil tycoon.

Yeah.

Well, is she playing with herself?

Maybe she's still awake, touching herself down there.

Just interrupt her.

She might be awake.

Go find out.

Come on, go find out, motherfucker.

Hey, I'll be right back, okay, Carlito?

I got to go and start a fire in the backyard.

Okay.

Oh, it sounds like fun.

I've got a boner.

Hey, bro.

Hey, boy, come on.

I'm with you.

Let me get the composter, please.

I'm sorry.

You sound like you're very sorry.

I am.

You're a sorry individual.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

You know that?

You sound like LBJ.

So what?

Don't call back again.

Can you say Southeast?

Is that clear?

Can you say Southeast Asia?

Is that clear?

I'm sorry, Mr. President.

What did you say?

You're a sorry?

Uh-huh.

And I'm saying the law.

The law.

Yeah, Jen, we celebrated the 4th of July in fucking style around here yesterday.

Oh, yeah?

I told you, right?

Yeah, yeah, you did tell me about that, the fireworks.

Did any of you actually really do fireworks?

No.

No, they were going off all around the fucking place.

You could hear them on the broadcast.

Nice.

We were kind of using them, right?

You'd be like, whoa!

Yeah, they were going off so close to the house.

Oh, fuck, they got me again.

I was calling about your composter.

Yeah.

Okay, how old is that?

Is it used, new?

Well, it's been used twice.

Twice?

All right.

Yeah, it's just like new.

It's not hurt or damaged.

No?

Okay, all right.

Did you put any feces in it?

Huh?

Did you put any feces in it?

What's that?

Feces.

That's like the shit that comes out of the ass?

You know, feces?

You put some shit in there?

What kind of shit?

Your shit?

Blow it out.

You blow it out?

You blew it?

Did you blow your husband there?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, she blew it out right in the compost.

You blow it.

Blow it out.

Yeah, Mr. Beef released a new web cam prank last night.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah, and he flipped me off.

I saw that.

I saw what happened, and I saw it this morning when you edited it.

Yeah.

Yeah, Dwight is using a tool that Dashy has created

that lets him view private webcams.

Well, just their ports are open and stuff.

So he can view them and talk through them,

and actually they have a speaker built in.

and you can hear them and talk back to them,

and Dwight gets on there and yells,

and they look for him.

He calls the women bitches, though.

It's kind of offensive, in my opinion.

Horrors.

It's not Christian-like.

Hello, you have reached 354-246.

I talked nice to the ladies.

I called that one old grandma.

I asked if I could bed her,

and she said I had to wait until tomorrow.

That's a lovely way to talk to women.

Yeah, I talked to a couple old bags.

I was making them feel nice.

I was calling them hot stuff,

telling them they had a nice ass.

Yeah, I was lying, but I was trying to make their day.

The rednecks last night at that party were funny as hell, though.

Oh, yeah.

The rednecks having a fucking Fourth of July party.

We're sitting there.

Well, Dwight's sitting there yelling at them.

The guy finally unplugs it, yelling at them.

Oh, yeah, it's back online again.

Nice.

I got one special I'm going to do tomorrow about noon.

It's at a subway, and it's sitting, the camera's right above the register.

Oh, nice.

So at like lunch hour, I'm going to jump on there,

and I'm going to see if I can get a mass reaction

out of everyone that comes to that subway.

Let's talk about the

cockney skips. We've got more cockroaches

back there.

Do you know the number of the actual subway there?

Yes, I do. That would be awesome to do

a regular prank call first.

That's what Dash was saying.

Keep calling them until they stop

answering the phone and then get on the speaker

for the camera and be like, hey, I wasn't done

talking to you.

Make you think.

How many times are we on video and we don't even know it?

so you can hear on that subway oh yeah i can hear them yeah that'd be great just to prank

them a bunch and just listen to the reactions after they hang up wow yeah we should do a bunch

of those before beforehand yeah i'm thinking during a launch rush or something just see how

many people i could piss off through the camera yeah total all right we got a chainsaw for sale

they're also selling a table saw a rifle and it's a fucking what kind of family is this

Yeah, that's a murderous family.

Yeah, coffee end tables, just to round it out, right?

Ask them if the coffee tables are made of skin.

Oh, my God.

Like covered in skin?

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Anyone? Dwight?

Could you do a call?

I'll take it.

Jin, go ahead.

Jin, I mean...

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, how are you?

They told me you had a chainsaw for sale.

How many you got?

How big are they?

Well, I've got 18.

18 inches, huh?

Yeah, and I've got a 29.

29 with an 18-inch bar.

So, I would like to...

And what about this table?

How is this looking?

The table what?

You had a table as well?

Table saw.

No, no, just a table.

I want a table.

What I want to do is...

How big is the table?

Can you fit a person on there?

Yeah, something of any size.

You know, a table big enough to fit on a person.

Like, maybe your size.

Yeah, like yourself.

I mean, do you have a table that you fit on?

It's as simple as that.

That you sit on?

No, no.

You, if you lie down on a table, do you have a table big enough to take your entire body?

Okay, well, that's okay.

I can take a little off the top.

What do you think about that?

I'll just use the chainsaw and take a little off the top and just, you know, put you on the table.

Is that okay?

I don't know who in the hell you are, but you're sound.

Don't tell me I'm soundish to you, idiot.

You said you had two chainsaws.

I have, but it's 11 o'clock.

So?

Or 11.30.

So?

Yes.

For what?

Well, because I want a chainsaw.

Well, you can buy them if you want them.

Yeah, I want them, but I also want the table,

and I want to put a little bit of your, like, maybe cut the legs or something,

so you fit on the table.

I'll use the chainsaw, and then you can lie on the table.

Is that okay with you?

Why should I want to lay on a table?

Well, why not? I'm asking you if you would like that.

I think you would enjoy it. It would be fun.

I think it would feel good.

Every time I've done it to someone, they've enjoyed it.

They've screamed in ecstasy.

Well, maybe I can do it to you then. We'll see.

That sounds like fun. Okay, I'll come by in a minute.

I'll lie on the table, and you can take the chainsaw,

and then you maybe cut a little bit off there.

Because you need to cut my feet. I'm quite short.

Well.

Brilliant.

So violent.

I didn't know the word 11 had a...

I don't think I've ever been that graphic, to be honest.

That chainsaw, what else can you do with it?

You didn't know the word 11 had what?

It had an M and a B in it.

Like he pronounced it.

Eleven.

Who calls it 1130?

Eleven.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hey, buddy.

You calling about a chainsaw?

I got some chainsaws.

All right.

Are they well-lubricated?

Working okay still?

I use them very much.

All right.

Do you use...

When's the last time you used them?

Last couple...

Yeah?

Oh, can I fuck with them?

Bud, I'm going to have the police tell you.

Why?

I can do whatever I want with them after I done bought them.

I ain't never scared.

You ain't going to rape my chainsaw.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Wedding dress.

Does anyone want a wedding dress?

I wonder who would be appropriate for a wedding dress.

I'll take it.

You can say, what are you going to do?

All circuits are busy now.

Please try your call again later.

You need to get approval from Jen first before you do something.

No, I should not.

Oh, this number's all fucked up.

This is like when you have the producer on your radio show

and you have to run all your pranks through him first.

Yeah, and he's in your ear all the time.

You have to do this, you have to do that.

I'm sorry, do whatever you want.

I'm just late and I'm fucked.

Hey, Dwight, you have Jen's permission now to do what you want.

Congratulations.

Just don't listen to me, I'm a cunt.

Now you have to listen to him.

We have to listen to him.

Jen orders you not to listen to him.

wedding dress he won't stop telling you what to do serious serious hello hello yeah you have a

wedding dress there for sale yes all right i'm gonna put the woman on the phone and go over the

wedding dress go ahead okay all right oh i thought we were doing dwight um i'll be the woman hi i want

a wedding dress yes we do okay what size is that wedding dress it's a size 10 petite oh man that's

It's too big for me.

Well, it's my granddaughter's dress, and she's very small.

Oh.

Why is she selling the dress?

She has AIDS.

Because she has gotten married again and worn a different wedding dress, so she left this one with me.

Was this one white?

Pardon me?

Was this one white before she had AIDS?

It is white.

Okay.

It has a v-neckline, a lot of lace, and it's a beautiful, beautiful dress.

dress but she didn't want to wear that wedding dress when she got married to her current husband

does it have aids on it like the smallpox blankets i don't know okay i just wondered why she just was

like i'm getting rid of it no no there's nothing wrong with it she just didn't want to to wear it

when she married her current husband honey can i ask a question yes please okay um when you say

it's a v-neck did it show a lot of cleavage like did your daughter's tits look really hot in them

in that thing uh it's not that v-necked it's like if you put your finger like right above your

breast oh yeah tell me is that point but like honestly honestly did you did you get did you

get turned on when you saw your daughter in it like did you get wet she's my granddaughter she's

my granddaughter i thought she was beautiful i would like to ask a question please yes i have

the gown here lady excuse me i would like to please ask a question if how long is the skirt

area uh it's the floor oh that's quite long could would you think we could like could you cut it

so that it goes just you know like i don't know maybe a foot above the uh above the knee or could

It could be cut a hole in the front.

Oh, you probably could.

Or you could have, you know, a seamstress do that.

Did your granddaughter fuck her husband in that dress?

I beg your pardon?

Do you think she fucked her husband in the dress, or did she take it off first?

And I think that's a really rude question to ask me.

That's fucking rude, man.

I want to know if the dress is a virgin, though, like your granddaughter was when she first got married.

I think it's a legitimate question, ma'am.

Was she a virgin when she got married?

I don't think she was.

Are you sure she wasn't lying?

No, she's my granddaughter. I would know.

Did you check?

Did you watch her the first time?

That's kind of weird that you would know.

My grandmother never knew when I fucked anyone.

Jesus, if my grandmother had known that, I would have fucking committed suicide.

Thank God my grandparents died before I got married.

What does she mean she would know? That's weird.

That is fucking weird.

That's creepy.

I know, of course she would.

I mean, she says we're the creepy ones, but I think kind of, you know, she is.

I want to know what the new dress looks like.

I want to get a hold of that new dress.

Yay, I ruined the call.

Broke it.

No, that was funny.

I thought Dwight was taking that one.

Guess not.

Well, take that, Dwight.

Well.

If you're going to be rude and use vulgar language, I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

No, no, we won't.

We won't.

No, it's just that twat.

Don't fucking swear, you cunt.

Yeah.

I beg your pardon.

We're talking to somebody else on the call

Yeah, I was just talking to my buddy

I like to fuck him in the ass sometimes

But he's just a bit of a cunt

I'll be quiet, ma'am, I'm sorry

Fucking cunts

I won't talk about your granddaughter's pussy anymore

Fucking limey brits

Fuck her right in the pussy

So, how much for the wedding dress?

How much are you willing to pay

After using such crude and gross language with me?

Listen, you fucking cunt

I'll pay nothing

And you give me the fucking dress for free

How does that sound?

Who farted?

Hello?

What?

Ma'am?

Horace, how did you know?

Hello?

Let her go.

Did she say who farted?

Yep.

No, that was someone else.

What's this fuck?

That was either Milkman or Nashby, I thought.

It wasn't me on who farted.

It was someone else.

It must have been her then.

No, I thought it was her.

It sounded like her.

Who farted?

Oh, who farted.

It sounded like who farted.

That's what I mean.

Who farted.

What kind of question is that?

Who farted?

It's a lot of play on words.

It's so fucking random.

Revenge of the nerds.

No.

Hello?

Sir?

Hello?

Hello, ma'am?

Ma'am?

It's just me.

Okay?

Okay, I lied.

It's everyone else, too.

Alright, bye.

But I'll be quiet, ma'am.

She won't play anymore.

Yeah, you stupid cunt.

Wow.

Ugh.

You're right there, Dwight.

Uh, Chevy truck, anybody?

Or shall I pass it?

Because I don't want it.

Chevy truck.

Dwight, you got passed before.

Do you want a Chevy truck?

No?

Chevy's blow dick.

Yeah.

Ford suck dick, boy.

You shut your dirty fucking mouth.

NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR.

If you don't drive a Kia, you're a pussy.

What? It's all about Subarus.

Fuck, I drive a Toyota.

Subaru.

Oh, Subaru.

Mm-hmm.

You could have a Honda.

Hello?

Yeah, you got a Chevy truck there, motherfucker?

Huh?

Yeah, I'm calling about your ad on Craigs with the truck.

Well, I keep talking to the boys.

Well, I'm being nice.

What do you mean?

No, I don't want to talk.

Come on. What year is it?

Asshole. What was that about?

What'd you do wrong? I have no idea.

He's like,

God damn. Call that old

fucker back. I think he was just sleeping.

He answered the phone

and he goes, help.

Help. You probably sound like somebody

he hates. The phone's still off the hook.

He died right there.

Hello. Congratulations.

He had a heart attack.

You got a fucking truck, Messiah.

Rest in peace.

Mrs. Cotton's husband, Arby

Damn devil

Crazy people

Alright

Two bicycles and an air compressor

Woodworking tools

Call

I know I want to call

Yeah, ask if they like to fuck on the bikes

It's impossible

Can we hook a dildo up to the air compressor?

Hook a dildo up to the air compressor

In Jen's ass

See if we can pump up some gas

Sounds like fun

go ahead take that jim he's gonna join elvis and the potatoes yeah hello we are not available now

please leave your name and phone number what what kawasaki dirt bike 1973 that was a big year

how big is it what's the engine size uh how big is it it's a dirt bike so it's probably small

What, 1.25? 2.50?

Uh, yeah, about 100.

Probably an 80cc.

About 100.

Fucking 80cc, what can you do with that?

You can go on dirt.

Unless it's a two-stroke, it might be up to this amount.

It has two wheels, so it goes...

You know where you put your hands?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

6-0.

Uh, I'll call back.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

6-0.

not much of a delay there uh blue jean shorts size xl or 20 i think that's women's then if it

says 20 damn she got a big ass why are you still taking this one jen says it's okay dwight i'm

sorry about that what are we even calling about the jean shorts for sale for women's jean shorts

that's a hard one hello hey you got some jean shorts for sale looking for some blue yeah i

have some for you okay how much are how much do you want for them uh like five bucks five bucks

yeah what size are they women's yeah they're women's what size you need i got a bunch of them

where abouts do you live at i'm over on horse machine ranch road where's that at now uh by the

walmart down in onida yeah i got them size 20 huh i got them size 20 jeans size 20 jeans yep okay

to get back we on a day or two because i'm up here in sterns i'll bring them to you that's not

not a big deal i'm up i come around there all the time oh do you yep what time could you bring

them up tomorrow around 1 30 1 30 yeah and how much did you say you wanted for a couple pair of

them uh what do you want i'll give you uh uh two pair for 750 two pair for 750 yeah okay that's not

bad yeah i'm not bad and then you know maybe you try them on you make sure they fit right and

And then maybe I cut a hole in them.

We can fuck with the jeans on, and it'll be good.

It'll be good for you.

Okay.

I mean, if that's something you're into.

I mean, everyone has their own kinks and whatnot.

Now, what do you mean by that?

That means they're crotchless jeans, and then you try them on, and I could fuck you in them.

In the sex, is what I'm saying.

The sex in the jeans.

I'm talking about the sex while in the jeans.

Sexual intercourse.

Do you comprehend?

Yes.

There she goes.

That was a fornication.

I was about to write that.

What do you mean by that?

Crazy how she's like so willing at first.

It's crazy.

She probably feels obligated to fuck.

She's getting such a good deal on those jeans.

Yeah, I'm just concerned about how easily she played into it.

Like, she didn't even ask any questions, nothing.

She was like, oh, yeah, you're down at Walmart.

I'll be there.

Hello?

Hello, ma'am?

Yes.

Yeah, did you want to get them jeans, them jean shorts, size 20?

No.

Why not?

Just forget about it.

Why not?

We just want to see your pussy lips and your big ass, your size 20 ass and all that.

You know, you show that to us, you bend over.

No, I'll just go to Walmart and get my own and just forget about it that I ever heard from you.

Ghetto booty.

No one's going to tell anybody.

Ghetto booty.

No one's going to tell.

She didn't want to hear it anymore.

She finally realized that's a lot of effort just to save $10.

i just got walmart's a fucking business all right let's go to walmart oh no really damn

why'd you have to name drop walmart man oh i can editing walmart walmart no just it gave

put it in her idea in her head she's like oh wait i'll just go to walmart uh good set of six lug

chevy wheels let's make brad do it because he doesn't know anything about cars hello yeah

Yeah, I don't have to do anything.

Skip.

For sale, a two-bedroom 12x70 trailer.

Yeah.

Also a 99 Ford Explorer, complete with wheels that separate and flip over,

computer with accessories, and a donkey.

That's a mix right there, huh?

Yes.

I didn't see that one.

Birthday with the stuff right there.

Trailer, a donkey.

Did you want it, Bradley?

Okay.

Yeah.

I forget what all you said, except for the donkey.

Donkey, Ford Explorer, trailer.

I don't see one answer, anyway.

Yeah.

Hey, hello.

I'm Bat.

Hello, I'm calling about the donkey on Craigslist.

Yeah.

Could you tell me how old is the donkey?

Probably about a year and a half old.

Oh, okay, that's not so bad.

Is he a virgin?

I'd say he is.

I've had him nice ever since he's been a baby, yeah.

Okay, yeah, we're going to use him in donkey shows.

Basically, he's going to be fucking a lot of women.

He's probably good.

He's got a rod on him, that's for sure.

Oh, that's good.

Good. Yeah, he's pretty well hung then?

Yes, he is.

Great. So it's going to be illegal donkey shows, so you're not going to tell the cops or anything, are you?

You just want to sell the donkey?

No, why would I want to do that?

Okay, because I wanted to make sure we were okay. I didn't want to get in trouble.

That's a woman. That's behind me. I don't give a shit.

Well, you know, it's highly illegal in the States, and basically you're an accessory to crime by selling this to me, knowing what I'm going to do with it.

Yeah.

Okay. I mean, it's a good thing I'm not an undercover police officer, because you'd be in a lot of trouble for agreeing to this.

So how much is it?

$100 for your freedom. Great deal.

Okay.

I see. So what else you got for sale? Like a Ford or something?

Okay. How much is that?

uh seven hundred dollars seven hundred that's not too bad i think i'm gonna use it for illegal

cocaine trafficking drive it down to california and try and get across the border with it

what's that it ain't running oh i'll fix it up it's all right don't worry about it

what need a fuel pump but i can see that you're not even serious about it so uh

i'm completely serious well if you're serious you wouldn't be calling and coming out with

It's bullshit anyway, so, you know, I don't know anybody.

No, it's not bullshit.

I'm really going to have women fucking the donkey.

Why would that be bullshit?

Tell you what, if a woman can do that, she's all I can say.

But thanks for calling.

I'll see you, bud.

Bye-bye.

Okay, whatever.

I don't care.

Oh, man.

Sorry, that was dumb.

He's okay with the donkey.

No, it was a good car.

The donkey's good to fuck, guys.

It's like he was into it.

Yeah, yeah, he's got a big rod.

He's got a big rod on him.

He doesn't care what you do, just as long as he makes the money.

He wants his hundred bucks.

He'd be like, I'm going to make little kids fuck this donkey.

You're like, okay, a hundred bucks.

Fucking hell, man.

Jesus Christ.

Man, what kind of animal was that again?

I forgot.

The snake.

It was a donkey.

Oh, yeah.

Let me call some of these neighborhood numbers that you guys were doing this weekend.

You sent me the registry.

Yeah.

yeah start off at the d's these nuts like you said i did the k's man those were hard yeah

cool all right well we're gonna start out with one a hell of a number i hope to help this man

pick up i hope you all let me talk to him for a little bit thank you yeah is that frank

yes frank i keep getting these phone calls from these perverts saying that they're working with

you well they're not they said you get my emails no i don't i don't check the emails it goes it

goes to my spam but i got a bunch of calls over here they said that you're gonna find me for

a whole bunch of stuff and who is this because i didn't see on my id this is cross okay well

listen you're one of about 25 people got called okay okay and i'm working with the police to try

and find out who this is well you're you're disgusting perverts sir for doing this i'm what

You're a disgusting pervert for what your employees are saying,

and I'm really embarrassed to live here,

that these people would make this call to me in the house like they did at this time of night.

They called over here saying all this perverted stuff,

and it said Frank D'Amato had sent a call about these complaints.

Well, I certainly didn't.

Well, I mean, I looked on the caller ID.

It was your phone number.

I'm just calling it back, and then you pick up, so obviously it's your office.

this well i need to tell you that all the calls you need to read my emails you need to not tell

me what to do all right are you the same as dave who's making all these calls no i got a call i

got woken up here from your number saying all this shit to me motherfucker all this fucking

shit you said to me about fucking fireworks and shit this weekend i didn't have any fucking

and fireworks you do you live in a tradition yeah i do oh okay and you really think it's me that's

doing the call i i just i i hit star six seven star six nine star six nine yes and and and would

do you get email i don't bother to read your guys's email i've you know well maybe you ought

to read it you'll see maybe you ought to maybe you ought to come give me a call and tell me about

About this stuff.

How can I call everybody in the community?

He said that everyone living on Confederate Lane was going to get kicked out because we was racists.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, you said because of the controversy, you guys were closing down Confederate Lane.

And that we all had to move out to different addresses on Tradition Club Drive or Historic Lane, he was saying.

And he said that my wife was outside showing her tits.

And I told him my wife is bedridden.

She hasn't been feeling well the last few days.

and she is on oxygen anyway what's your name and address cross cross my name is cross yeah what's

your address 128 confederate lane 28 confederate lane well listen you get your fucking ass over

here tomorrow fix this shit motherfucker you i think you're the guy that's doing all the trouble

no i'm not motherfucker i keep getting the fucking calls i got several calls i think it's me okay

It's not you you're saying.

Is it Patty?

Finally got around to calling me, huh?

Your name is not in the...

No, it wasn't me.

Your name is not in the phone directory.

You're the guy.

You're the famous Dave.

Finally got around to calling me, huh?

Yeah, I'm him.

I'm famous Dave.

Yep.

Well, congratulations.

But you should keep it up.

I hope you keep it up.

Can we?

Because we're going to nail you.

No, no.

We're going to...

Yeah, we are.

Can we get an email?

Can we get a copy of the email?

This is why we're calling.

And your name is?

Oh, my name is Mina Harker. How are you, sir?

Your name is Stupid Pussy.

I'm talking to a Hershey Kiss titty man.

Hey!

Can we get a copy of that email? We have our email address. I don't know why it's not working.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Hi, Frank. My name is Dave Reynolds. I work with the Homeowners Association, too.

my name is jim stewart i i'm not a part of this group i just i'm just here for the fuck of it

hey how are you hey my name is uh dwight and i'm the uh the fucking maintenance guy i do the

landscaping and sometimes i fuck the lonely housewives yeah i'm johnny brennan are you guys

really having fun with all this and we're all the people that you need to get a hold of if you're

going to be tracking us down and yeah we are having fun tons of fun it's been amazing shake

Hey, Frank, thank you for putting that PDF file up on the Internet so anyone can look at it.

That was the best thing you could do.

Remarkable.

Stupid.

And keeping it there, too, and not forgetting to take it down.

Well, what's your point in all this?

You're an idiot.

Yeah, you're really stupid.

You screwed up the privacy of the people who have entrusted you to keep it safe.

So you're getting fired.

Yeah.

You failed them.

You failed them, and we want you to put a public apology online.

What are you going to do when the FBI knocks on your door?

I'm sure they're going to get arrested.

What the fuck is the FBI going to do?

The FBI's going to laugh at you, dude.

You think so?

Yes.

You're the idiot that put it as public access.

Stupid.

That gives you what you're doing?

Yeah, well, what it is is they don't trust you anymore.

You failed them.

So we were calling from our subdivision over on Horse Machine Ranch Road

to convince them to come by over here and move over here,

and we said we won't be dumbasses to put PDFs online for people to see.

Breathe.

No.

All right.

It's really your fault.

Ha-ha, Frank, you're dumb.

Ha-ha, you're stupid.

Well, we'll see who's caught.

Hey, Frank, make sure you take down that PDF, okay?

Otherwise, we're just going to keep calling.

You're not taking it down.

Frank, would you mind if I took the PDF and just called everybody?

Yes, I wish you would keep calling.

All right, start dialing numbers.

We're going to do a big conference call right now.

Frank, can I have a PDF on your face?

Frank, I'm going to print out the PDF, and I'm going to wipe my ass with it.

Frank, oh, my God, Frank, I just had an idea.

Maybe you could join in with us.

We could call some other, you know, people, and we'll just say it's you.

And we'll say, you know, just direct them back to you.

Frank, hang on.

Oh, my God.

All circuits are busy now.

Please try to call again later.

That would be good if Carlyle still had the capability to call.

Oh, you might already, huh?

You've got the new Asterix?

Yeah, yeah, I can just do two.

Well, Milkman's sitting on one of the lines I just dropped.

Oh, I was going to say, call up the neighborhood people.

It's like, listen, I've got Frank on the line.

If you don't call from his number, you can spoof his number, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I used to do that.

That's what's been done for a whole week.

Oh, right.

It'll be interesting to see if it stays up now, the PDF.

He said he will not take it down.

Fucking FBI.

We are going to stand in the face of these volunteers.

God, I can't count the amount of times this cyber crime has been threatened to be called on us.

I know you guys already dialed 911 tonight.

This is Frank.

Please leave a short message.

A short one.

That was a very short one.

That was his cell phone instead of his home phone.

That's where his house is.

now call his house phone with his caller id of his cell phone yes yes all right all right

oh man i wonder if he understands what spoofing is yet like when i called him the other day he

was completely like he just didn't know what to think when i told him yeah when i told him it

was his number he's like how could you be doing that how could you call for my number

it's all mad he's like it's my number though so this has been going on longer since the weekend

you did it on your oh that was right because you had that one show yeah it was like maybe

Maybe Friday or Wednesday or something like that.

Alright, so

the caller already said to his cell phone

and now we're calling back his house machine.

A guy named DesiGuy gave me this list.

He emailed it to me.

Yeah, I know that guy.

There's been a church one going around, right?

And the curling club.

I've got a sheep breeder's one.

Those are from Dusty Buns.

Do you have Dusty Buns?

I have powdered buns.

Hi, you have reached Pat and Frank D'Amato.

We're sorry we're not available to take your call.

I love his name. It sounds like such a gangster name.

It sounds like a corrupt politician, local politician.

Someone sent me pictures of him, and he looks kind of like a gangster.

Like a weird Italian gangster guy.

Is he in a suit in the picture?

Huh?

Was he in a suit in the picture at all?

I can't remember. I know he had gray, slicked back hair.

Dang.

He just had the face.

I had a softball coach with that last name.

Gangster.

I hate to encourage people to go look him up.

The softball's gay, though.

Is it?

Yeah, for women.

I needed some options.

Did you insert a bat the whole way in?

I'm not telling.

Hello, you've just reached the Daily Residence.

We're unable to...

Oh, my God.

All right.

Carlito, I'm looking at this sheep breeder society list.

Yeah.

And this guy has it noted under his family.

OPP tested.

So other people's pussy tested.

Yeah, you know me.

Other people's penis.

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of them.

I thought you had breeding stock available.

I don't know the side of business.

Damn, that was Scott D'Angelo.

I was going to call him Dangolo.

All right, Daniels.

The angle of the dangle.

That's the angle of the dangle.

This is Lieutenant Jim Dangle.

Oh, shit. Milkman.

I'm going to bring him back.

Double rings.

Hello.

Hi. Hello. How are you?

Yes.

Hi. I'm calling from Frank D'Amato's office here at Tradition.

Yeah, we have a complaint regarding your location, your address there, a noise complaint.

Yeah.

Were you letting off fireworks tonight again?

Hello?

Yes.

You were letting off fireworks again tonight. I see. After we told you not to.

I think you called the wrong number.

We have not had any fireworks.

This is Robin Daniels, 83 Alexander Glenny Drive.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm calling from Franklin.

I'm sound asleep in my bed.

Yeah, but you were lighting fireworks outside and yelling that Jesus was coming.

You were outside yelling, Jesus is coming, and you were lighting off fireworks.

No, sir.

I've been in my bed for two hours.

Why did you come out with a picture of Jesus?

and said he's coming.

You put a sparkle under your crotch

and lit it on fire and said you're coming.

Roll for the Brady Bush.

The Brady Bush.

That's the way we

became the Brady Bush.

Oh my god.

That was a waste of a call, sorry.

I enjoyed it, so that's all that matters.

Facey's a shut up.

Oh, Milkman won't pick up because of the call.

I do, probably.

I won't pick up.

Hello? Milkman? It's me,

me carlito all right stay on hold okay all right that's me don't go anywhere all right keep looking

at george's pictures in tiny chat he keeps changing them they're just creepy hello yeah what he had

hello how are you hello is this uh kathy yeah kathy i'm calling on behalf of frank d'amato

the homeowners association for the uh the tradition here um what's going on with the

noise complaints tonight. And we're going to have to go

down there and start kicking your door

and give you a big fine. What did you

just say? And we're going to have to go down there and

kick in your door and give you a big fine.

Shut you down. Click.

What did you just say?

Motherfucker.

We lost Dwight.

Rest in peace. Dwight, no.

Call her back.

What did you say?

You've reached Kathy and Jim. Please.

Kathy and Jim.

She sounds quite nice. She does.

Yeah, she sounds quite fit, as you say.

But she's old, probably.

This is an older people's zone.

I bet she wears sexy panties.

So, RBCP, I hit up Dee a little bit, but we got a lot of Dees left, just to let you know.

Yeah, there's plenty of Dee in this room.

Yeah, and on that list, off that list, Dwight, I mean, Brad,

and there's plenty for you guys to do during the week, right?

I was thinking about wrapping up the show, because it's four hours now, you know.

One more hour, man.

No, I don't want to do that.

I think I might quit with the homeowners thing at that particular place

just before it gets out of hand, I guess.

Yeah, he's starting to get some people in.

I don't need Frank coming to my door.

Yeah.

Ooh, rabbits.

Rabbits, hang on.

I'm excited for rabbits.

I want to eat rabbits.

I don't want to eat trouble.

I want to eat some rabbits.

Well, I should change my caller ID.

Too late for this one.

Hello?

Hey, how are you, honey?

Do you have rabbits?

I sold every one I had.

Oh, I wanted to break their necks in front of you after I bought them.

Hey, good for you.

Don't bother me, man.

I was going to pull the rabbit by its ears and kick it and then break its neck.

I was going to...

Okay.

Fuck, man.

You don't care.

Oh, my God.

You're like, fuck a rabbit.

I don't care.

I do.

I'll help you.

I bet you pay extra for that.

Good for you.

Come on.

You got to do those Craigslist.

Come on.

I'm working on them.

I've already been doing them.

I've been doing them.

Okay.

No, I haven't, actually.

I don't think I've touched them.

Do you think the Elvis man is still awake?

Oh, yeah.

Hang on.

Let me go back.

That guy's off.

I can get that one if you want it.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

All right.

Calm your tits down, I got it.

M.N.

Carpet 3.

The carpet guy.

Here we go.

The Elvis guy.

Let me take that.

He's going to talk in tongues.

Watch out.

Hello?

How is Mr. Stewart?

I wanted to apologize.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I wanted to apologize and then bring it back in.

Yeah, I know.

You know what I'm like.

Who's breathing like that?

Who's doing the breathing?

Nashby.

Oh, my God.

Shut up. Don't even do that joking.

It pisses me off a lot. It really bothers me a lot.

We got Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Tiger Woods framed with certificate of authenticity.

I guess these are autographs.

It's in LA, so it's believable, I guess.

That's nice. You could see if you could start a business like this and photocopy them and sell them.

See if the guy would be interested.

Well, you need a certificate. I don't even know how you get a certificate for that.

Yeah, just copy the certificates.

What about the raised seal?

Okay, make a point.

Yeah, you got the Michael Jackson stuff?

Yeah, I still have it.

I want to eat it so I can put it inside.

I want to have his powers inside of me.

What?

There's somebody here.

I'm playing poker.

Okay, he's playing poker.

Where are you?

Are you in South Carolina?

No, no, I'm in L.A.

What casino are you at?

I'll come down to you.

I'm in Vegas.

Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.

Vegas, L.A., L.V., you know.

Hey, I'll come down there.

What casino are you in?

Yeah, what casino are you in?

Aria.

What?

I am.

What casino are you in?

No, really, which one?

Aria.

Aria?

Aria.

Okay, yeah, that sounds great.

Your phone's a piece of shit.

All right, go eat a bag of dicks.

Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

It's an iPhone.

He's arguing with me about it.

All right, go eat a bag of dicks.

Fantastic.

No, I'll pay $2,000 for this computer.

It's quite funny, Aria.

Oh, yeah, I am.

The first two times, I actually was still confused.

You actually thought he was saying that, sorry.

I was like, are you?

I'm like, yeah, I am.

Like new, brother sewing machine.

All right.

Sewing machine.

Sewing.

Sewing, yeah, that makes sense.

Who would really call it a brother?

Well, males don't sew.

Yeah, I thought brother was a printer company.

Well, they make machines.

Printing machines, sewing machines.

Phone machines?

No, don't be silly.

Telecommunications device.

No.

Prank machines?

yeah yeah they do that i'm on it guess what this is my last call i'm done yeah i'm done i quit

i want just three three more calls come on there's more i want to thank brad for being on

thank you and jen and dwight yeah neon and nash i want to thank carlito for calling frank

that was great hell yeah we had fun good old frank yeah okay guys bye okay bye milkman are

are you still here? Milkman? I gotta call

Jinbeck, shit. Milkman, come off a hole.

Come on, Milkman. Come on, Milkman.

I have to wait for Milkman to be

done. Here, let me do a call

about Air Jordans. Michael Air

Jordans. Never owned a

pair of Jordans, never really owned a pair of Nikes

except for a stolen pair of Charles Barkley's

black tops. I think they were called

I forgot what. Barkley had this one shoe

in like 94

that came out.

It was a Nike, Nike

Nike Blacktop.

I think it was.

It was really nice.

And they had a new edition of it came out like 15 years later.

Gin isn't connecting.

I didn't mean just to drop gin like that.

I feel terrible.

Milkman, come back.

To the subscriber's request, this phone does not accept incoming calls.

The phone doesn't accept incoming calls.

Milkman, take us out of here because we got to go, man.

I'm tired.

I don't want to do this anymore, okay?

I'm tired.

Milkman.

Yes, sir.

yeah yeah can you take us out of here please sir oh are we getting ready to wrap up i'm sorry dude

my volume was down a little bit because i had a customer surely oh shit really my friend oh my

goodness well there you have it another action-packed adventure-packed show my friends just

like i told you my head or my feet come up with a great show man thank you so much i'd like to

thank everybody for stopping in all of our great visitors and jim stewart yeah jim had a whole bunch

We'll find them.

Mad out.

And we couldn't do it without our fearless leader, that General Lee Schmoe.

Every week, my brother, saving lives one call at a time, brother.

Thank you so much, man, for having us on.

All right.

Thanks again, Jen Stewart, for joining.

It was great having you on.

You're most welcome.

Thanks for having me.

All right.

Anytime.

I'll see you later.

Milkman, I'll see you again.

If I do a daytime show, I'll give you a call, Milkman, so you can be on.

Yeah, God bless you, man.

Appreciate it.

This works out good.

And God bless you, too, Jen Stewart.

I'm glad to hear you, man, back in there, man.

We love you, man, brother.

Cheers, guys.

I'll be back next week.

Shit, damn it.

Calls (51, 2 h 14 min of 3 h 45 min)

Transcript

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