Madhouse 10 Year Anniversary Part 2 of 4

I'm going to lift you like a refrigerator, you motherfucker.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Like a refrigerator.

Then I'm going to stuff your ass with your fucking wetback Mexican that you're fucking,

and I'm going to slide your fucking ass up and down your head, up and down the stairs,

and turn your face around coming down.

The stairs?

And then I'm going to kick the fucking shit out of your ass.

What stairs are you talking about?

No, it's going to be the stairs that I drag your fucking ass to.

Where?

Because you know what?

You just helped me out.

There's no fucking stairs, you dipshit

And I got you

No, what I'm saying

I'm going to drag your ass to the fucking jail stairs

Okay?

I'm going to fucking drag your ass

Yeah, on a concrete

In front of the fucking city hall, asshole

I'm sorry, I said, but that's irrelevant

Okay, well, I'm about to tell you what they said

It's horrible, terrible

I never heard no person talk like that

No, I would not like to hear that, sir

I would not like to hear that

Well, it doesn't matter

Because I heard it

You know, I wouldn't like to hear it either

I didn't, I'm, I'm

You know, if I would have had to do it again, you know, I would not like to hear it,

but I guess there's nothing I could have done because I didn't ask the guy to say something.

He just took one look at her and said, Building 7.

And I said, well, what do you mean?

He said, them people are responsible for Building 7.

Now, what the hell is that?

Building 7, you know what, I look at it.

It's good for you.

There's something you can do for me.

I've got to ask you a price on something.

For what?

He told me Building 7, and I looked it up on the Internet, and that was World Trade Center.

He basically said, my model in the world, talking 11 and all that, and he starts going into these theories.

He tells me, he asked me if I'm Jewish, and I think, well, what concern is that, you know, what's that to you?

And he says, well, I said no, and he says, okay, well, he said, you know her kind.

And he says, you know they were responsible for everything, don't you?

Especially Building 7, I don't appreciate that.

I don't think that's true at all.

Anybody, any business, anything.

I see anyone that was saying anything.

Am I on a thing?

I mean, seriously, I'm not making, why would I ever make this stuff up?

What's going to happen is, I'm going to bring this girl in, right?

She's not too pretty, but geez, I'm going to bring her in.

She'll put aside, you guys have Sleepless in Seattle?

My ex and this, all right, I blew my cover.

It doesn't matter.

What's going to happen is, you're coming down and we're going to get my Buick.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, that's exactly what's going to happen.

I mean, and nobody's going to get hurt.

Okay.

I got a mace, and I got a Kevlar.

Nobody's shooting me.

All right.

And I got a Doberman pinch or two or something, and you don't need to see it.

It'll be in the car.

I'm not bringing it out.

You want to kill me?

Fine.

I'm bringing it out.

You come up that driveway without an officer with you, and I'm going to start shooting immediately.

Do I make myself clear that I don't give a fuck if I kill you or not?

You understand me?

What do you want to be angry for?

I don't understand, man.

Want me to be angry?

Jesus Christ, your brother threatened me, and now you're threatening me, and I'm not supposed to get angry?

Bless him, buddy.

You don't come to my house and do this kind of shit.

You want to be civilized? Fine.

If you don't want to be civilized, you want to come up here and threaten me?

I'm going to start shooting.

Holy shit.

I survived this.

No, God damn it, I just survived this.

So if you want to have it out, you just come up here and threaten me.

That's all it's going to take.

You take my $4.

When you buy the beer?

I bought it because I won't get drunk.

Trying to lay something fucking broad.

Trying to bang over in the hotel.

You have a wrong store.

No, I buy the thing, and you don't give me my change.

That's what you're doing in America.

You give change.

They give you money.

You got to give.

You're punching in their cash register, and then the number pop up, right?

I don't sell 20 packs.

All day, I don't sell 20 packs.

You guys sell the man, right?

Well, that's awful.

These guys deserve to be treated.

What kind of thing? I mean, first of all, nobody puts anything in mango lassi.

Okay, you call me a li- I know nobody's supposed to put anything in there.

I mean, you call me a liar? I saw some guy rub some goddamn green shit in there.

What's that?

I'm saying, sir, I'm saying that we are not supposed to put anything in mango lassi.

No, I understand that. I mean, I've had mango lye. It's not the first time I've had one of those things.

I am black. Is that a problem?

You're black?

Yes.

No, that's not a problem.

Okay, I'm Jewish, too.

This is Peter.

This is not a joke?

No.

Why are you laughing at me?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You come down here, and I'll make you feel good.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll be right down.

Okay.

Okay, what's your name again?

My name is Kelly.

All right, Kelly.

I'll give you a ride you'll never forget.

Okay, I'm like...

One hour.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to leave your fiancé for me, maybe.

Well, you never know, I might.

Once you go Jew black, you'll never go back.

We'll have to see about that then.

All right, you better tell him. Break it off.

Talk to you soon, baby.

I went down there earlier and then somebody just ran off with my gas can.

Somebody ran off with my gas can down there. I don't know what to do.

Do you know what time you were here?

I was here about three hours.

I had to fill up my gas can, and somebody done run off with it.

Whatever to do.

I'm not even from town.

Yeah, um.

Hello, how can you help me?

Somebody done run off with my gas can.

I don't know whatever to do.

I'm not even from town, and I can't call the police.

I don't know the number.

I don't want to get the police involved either.

I'm from out of town.

Somebody ran my gas can.

Yeah, um.

There's loud music, loud music in the background.

Oh, you guys got, maybe I can just get some food instead, because I'm traveling Carl's country, so I was wondering if you'd just maybe give me a discount on a sandwich, call it even.

I could, out of something in the, my, our warmer.

Oh, yeah, your warmer? What is it, is it, what kind of delicacies do you provide?

It is, like, hot dogs and...

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. I think I'll be down there in a few. Can you put some of them hot dogs aside for me?

Yeah, I can do that.

That kind of makes me a little riled up talking about that that way.

So, yes, I can do that for you.

Am I making you uneasy at all?

No, not really.

Am I always making you a little creeped out a little bit?

Because I kind of sense it.

I have that sixth sense that some people got, and I can kind of sense it, but that's okay.

I creep a lot of people out, and there's probably reasons that I do that I shouldn't talk.

Sponges, where?

Okay.

Well, I got a pretty decent car, so I figured we'd save on gas.

They gave it for me, and I won't drink.

You can drink all you want to.

I'll just, I'll buy you the drinks.

You've got a really nice Midwestern accent.

That's the same accent.

I'm from a little more south, baby.

Great.

Give me some of them delicacies.

Yes, I can do that.

Sweet.

Oh, that's great.

You have any else, anybody else working there with you right now?

I don't.

It worked out great.

It sounds like it's a perfect night.

It sounds like it's a perfect night in this town.

Yes.

And you will prepare a sweet at once at the royal order of the Queen Mother.

I thought I haven't got one.

What do you mean you haven't got one?

A house suite to fill up.

What?

Do you know who you're speaking with?

Yes, but house suites are full.

Listen, this is the queen we're talking about.

There is no such thing as a full suite.

The queen mother.

The queen mother, I'm afraid, is dead.

What?

You told me the queen mother.

The queen mother is dead.

The new queen mother, you batty bastard.

We haven't got a queen mother.

Tell your facts wife, first, please.

I'm on the phone again.

God damn it.

What even?

Tons of flowers and nothing.

Bullshit.

Grandma, there's some of your chickens in there.

Thank you.

Call my number.

I need to know what you know about the local five.

I'm not talking about anything big.

I'll give her your number.

The kind of drink that you want the bartender to fix.

Okay.

Francine.

And then just slide it along with your money so that they know what to do.

Oh, that's great.

You know what I'm saying?

And then one of them will bring the drink out to her,

which is kind of special since we're just a service bar.

Oh, wow.

And put it at the...

What's your name again?

My name's Anita.

Great to see you later.

Oh, thank you so much.

I appreciate it.

Okay, honey.

Hope you have a good night.

Bye-bye.

Because you're special.

You know what's great, dude?

Like, you know what's great about that?

Is that that woman stood that somebody needs to get laid.

To place a call to one.

It's 50 seconds.

The vehicle now pressurized.

and the vehicle is go, as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40.

All reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage

at the 3-second mark in the countdown.

T-minus 50 seconds, the vehicle now pressurized,

and the vehicle is go, as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40, all reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage at the 3-second mark in the countdown.

Now T-minus 21 seconds and counting, we have completed our power transfer.

The Saturn 1B launch vehicle, which now weighs 1.3 million pounds, is ready to go.

Coming up on the 10-second mark.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, we have ignition.

Believe this.

To fit right here, I'd hold you up and say to your mother,

this kid's going to be the best kid in the world.

This kid's going to be somebody better than anybody ever knew.

And you grew up good and wonderful.

It was great just watching you every day.

It was like a privilege.

And the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did.

but somewhere along the line you changed you stopped being you you let people stick a finger

in your face and tell you you're no good and when things got hard you started looking for something

to blame like a big shadow they tell you something you already know the world ain't all sunshine and

rainbows it's a very mean and nasty place and i don't care how tough you are it will beat you to

your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it you me or nobody is going to hit as hard

is life but it ain't about how hard you hit it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving

forward how much you can take and keep moving forward that's how winning is done now if you

know what you're worth now go out and get what you're worth but you got to be willing to take

the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be because of him or her or

anybody cowards do that and that ain't you you're better than that i'm always gonna love you no

No matter what, no matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood.

You're the best thing in my life.

But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't going to have a life.

Don't forget to visit your mother.

Basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense, Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

When a nuclear bomb or missile explodes near the ground,

great quantities of earth and debris are sucked up into the fireball

and carried by the prevailing winds before falling back to earth.

This material is radioactive fallout.

The particles look like grains of salt or sand.

Fallout gives off invisible gamma rays like x-rays,

and heavy exposure to it can cause serious radiation sickness, even death.

If a person receives a small or medium dose of radiation,

his body will repair itself and he will get well.

Usually, the effects of radiation from Fallout are more severe in very young and very old persons

and those not in good health.

Radiation sickness is not contagious.

The most dangerous period is the first 24 hours after Fallout arrives,

but you might have to use fallout shelter up to two weeks for further information about fallout

and how you can protect yourself against it consult your local civil defense office

right now we'd like to get ready to introduce the star of our show the young man you've all

been waiting for mr soul so what do you say let's all get together and welcome him to the stand

with a great radio anniversary 10 year part two i am carly you're the host of this segment of the

show. Along with me here is

Milkman, I think. Milkman, do they still

have you here? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hermanito, man.

Big 10, man.

I'm feeling younger. How about you?

I'm great. Jen Stewart is here.

He's a holdover. Yeah. Hello.

Yeah.

We got Evil Artie. What's up,

Horse? What's up, Horse?

Hey, how you doing, man?

Artie, Artie, Artie.

Jonathan, one of our super

fans. Jonathan, how are you?

D. Jonathan, the original one.

Oh, man.

I'm doing good here.

Yay!

Having a good time?

That's cool.

Well, it's good to have you guys on, and we'll continue with our 10-year anniversary thing.

We're looking at Madhouse 2.0 now, so that's a period where we shed ourselves from the shackles of PCU Radio and went independent.

And also the show's Syndicate Radio at the same time, but, you know, stuff like that, stuff like that.

Starting free-forming at this point, baby.

me yeah that's what we meant uh creative juices start flowing man this is where all the new stuff

started happening yeah evil already started making appearances on this show he actually

was in studio a few times because we both lived in uh in orlando i ruined the carpet yeah you

ruined the carpet you left litter all over the room all the time you're a real bad friend back

then man you're all right though you're all right i want to thank arty because arty kept me

prank calling when i got when i moved here to pennsylvania uh i had serious medical issues i

had a burst appendix and i lost vision for a while and i was pretty much laid out for like a whole

year and during that time already will call me and sometimes with lonesome loser on the line we do

remember we'd prank call those fucking uh chat lines and stuff we prank call chat lines and

that's where i was yelling horse well actually that comes from jim stewart and his prank calls

jim why would you do that it was just your random shit at india yeah yeah it started with ponies

and then it went into horses so basically i kept saying pony so i'm talking like to this guy

and i'm trying to make an order and every everything i say is like i'll say something

and he'll be i'll be like so peel our eyes ponies and then i'll just keep doing that and then

i called him back so after after he'd hung up i called him back and then i said horse

horse um so i kind of turned it into that yeah weird yeah because he's all like what do you what

do you keep saying your name i know yeah you don't have to repeat your name he thought it was

tony what's this bloody tony business what's this yeah what is this tony bloody tony business

so me and arty took them we were just yelling at people in these these like party chats uh

we'd see a horse horse and some guy started playing a horse sound effect and it was the

funniest shit ever man i love that remember to be that was that gay guy already he was like what

the fuck is they're all gay yeah but the guy's like what the fuck is halls like he's like what

are you talking about what the fuck is that manhole was that you guys doing the manhole

was that what you guys were calling that line no it was i know it said the free chat line.com

was the name of it that's what it said whenever you remember what it was okay yeah it gets it's

It's been called on some other shows on PC and that same one.

Oh, okay, okay, all right.

Dialer has called it a few times, actually.

All right.

Jin, do you want to do a prank yet?

I want to call Indian food.

I do want to do a prank, but I'm in the middle of writing something,

so give me about 10, 15 minutes, and then I will join in the pranks.

All right, I'll fill in for you.

I'm going to ask for a horse return.

Yeah, hi, I'd like to make an order.

Pony!

Yeah, what would you like to have, sir?

Pony, pony.

What is pony?

um do you have uh labrog and josh oh come on let me let me try let me try it i'll put this thing

on hold and then let me try it that's right she might be a horse lover horse lover here we call

it horse lover same place we'll see if they pick up i got another one there we go hello hello yes

sir how can i help you sir yes sir i would like to make an order please madam pony what do you like

What would you like to have? What would you like to order?

Pony. I'd like to have two lamb roganjosh, two chicken tikka masala, pony.

We have a chicken tikka masala only, but we don't have a roganjosh.

What about tandoori mixed curry? Pony.

We have a chicken curry, we have a lamb, we have a butter chicken, and chicken tikka masala.

Yeah, okay. I'll have that one then. And some pilau rice.

You can come and get the food, okay? The food, everything ready, okay?

Okay. Okay. Pony.

pony all right pull it back

and i'll try it with the horse all right i'm gonna just change the color that's pretty good

i think it's timing you know i don't know i like how you do that pony that's pretty good

the time is anyone perfect has anyone seen super troopers when they had a like bet

That he could say meow ten times to someone he pulled over. Oh nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, actually I did see that

I've seen that movie. That's my favorite. Hello horse. I want to make an order, please

I don't think she fancies mr. Stewart

it after um you don't need hey hey we should call it uh pete smith aka cheese boy cheese boy

cheese boy is he still alive i don't have his number i can send you his number send me his

number uh let me play cheese boy real quick hey i need to speak to my uh someone told me to give

a call here for some guy named cheese boy cheese boy yeah someone said to call cheese boy over here

hear about the bus i don't know nothing about that do you know cheese boy is he there do you

know who that would be school transportation excuse me what this is bay district school

transportation yeah exactly yeah we're calling about the bus and he was told to ask for cheese

boy what what what bus it is um bus number 12 no it was in for maintenance a few months ago and

it's completely messed up the filter wasn't changed on it about half the oil that was supposed to

have in it bus number 12 yeah we don't have a bus number 12 well that's it cheese boy worked on it

do you know anybody here by the way you got the wrong i'm sorry sir you got the wrong place mr

smith don't give me the run around and and and be a man for once and put cheese boy on the line

or i'm going to have you reported i'm gonna tell you what my friend i'm fitting to hang up on you

cause we don't have a cheese boy here and i am the shop on my back okay we're an asshole

What cracked me up is the way he says cheese boy.

Cheese boy.

Like that.

He's just like, boy.

He's just like, cheese boy.

Well, he was pretty firm about that.

We don't have a cheese boy.

And I'm the foreman.

So what's his story?

Like, he worked with you?

Is that what it was?

And he was the foreman.

Yeah, he used to be the shop foreman for Bay Dixon Schools, but he finally retired.

But, yeah.

Did he eat a lot of cheese?

Is that why?

Was it a running joke at work?

Yeah, he ate a lot of cheese.

Like, the cheese Pringles, he kept tons of those in there.

Oh, wow.

So he was a cheese fan.

So I called him Cheese Boy, and he was acting like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And everyone around him was probably laughing.

That's awesome.

Yeah, you know, he actually came into the chat room also and was like, hey, I'm Cheese Boy.

I'm the guy.

Why are you calling me Cheese Boy?

I'm like, I'm sorry.

He actually started listening to shows for a little while there.

I remember he'd come into the IRC chat all the time.

I didn't know Cheese Boy was really there, seriously.

Yeah, he showed up a few times.

Yeah, he confronted me.

He's like, I'm the guy you call Cheese Boy.

What's up with that?

I'm like, I don't know.

Someone gave me your number.

He worked IRC.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, well, give me his number.

Do you have it on you?

Did you already post it?

I haven't looked.

I just sent it to you through Skype.

Okay.

All right.

Well, let's call Cheese Boy.

Let's call him on his work or something.

About some work he did a couple of years ago.

Yeah, Jen.

Tardito.

Yes, yes.

Or who?

Hello?

Hello.

Well, hi.

Neon left me a message.

Neon left me a message?

She's alive?

Yeah, she's alive.

Yeah, she made it through her surgery.

I don't believe Cheese Boy's alive because he had a heart attack and died at least five years ago.

All right, here's another Indian restaurant.

No, this is Cheese Boy.

I'm sorry.

What am I talking about?

It's Cheese Boy.

All right, Carlita, you got it.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, what was his name?

Smith.

Pete Smith.

Hello.

Hello, Pete.

Yes.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing good.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Chester.

Chester, I work here at the shop now.

I understand you used to be the foreman here.

Hello?

Chester, what about you?

What?

What do you work at?

I work at the shop.

I'm the new shop foreman out here.

You're talking about school transportation?

Yeah, I know you used to be the foreman out here, and I'm the new foreman.

I'm just trying to ask you a question about we got a problem here.

Maybe you knew how to unlock this cabinet that we got here.

or if you knew maybe where the key might be.

No one remembers except you, I guess.

What cabinet are you talking about, Chester?

The cheese cabinet, the one that has all the cheese.

Have all the cheese.

Yeah, it has a lot of cheese in there.

They said it was your cabinet.

You locked it up, all your cheese.

No.

Chester, I'm sorry.

I don't know nothing about a cabinet that had cheese in it.

Well, you want to eat some cheese with me?

Maybe you and me will feed each other pieces of cheese.

Would you like that?

I'll feed you the piece and you feed it to me one. Yes, you know what you could do for me. What's that, honey?

You could kiss my goddamn ass

And if you're not I could bang your fucking ass over here and I'll whip it for you.

All right cheese boy. It's on

Fucking awesome

Cheese boy

Oh my god, perfect execution

The master back at work, perfect execution

I'm going to warn you, you son of a bitch.

Come on, cheese boy.

I'm going to put a cruise on this goddamn line.

Shut up.

Don't call my fucking phone, son of a bitch.

Shut up.

Son of a bitch.

I'm going to pick up a guy.

I'm sorry, mister.

You got the answer machine.

Oh.

But we may be in the motor course traveling somewhere.

Is this really his answer machine?

Oh.

Yeah.

I may be in the kitchen somewhere fixing a meal for my lovely wife.

What?

I may even be playing with the grandkids of the great-grandkids.

Listen, I'll tell you, you know, they keep you busy.

I just may be sitting here listening at you.

No, I wouldn't do that.

But anyway, if you'd like to talk to my wife or myself, leave your name and number, and we'd gladly return your call.

Call me Cheese Boy.

God bless.

That's what I'm going to do.

Thank you.

Fucking Cheese Boy, horse!

That's so weird.

I don't get it.

What a weird fucking message.

Oh, man, that recorded.

what a weird fucking message man honestly well that was what i missed what i missed

oh shit it was just his answering machine message was long as hell man really what did he say oh

what didn't he say really right here i'll play it again for you maybe he'll pick up you oh he it's

busy come on come on i might be fixing the mail for my lovely wife playing with the grandkids

playing with the grandkids there we go hello hey cheese boy hello yeah is that cheese boy

Can I talk to Cheese Boy?

Do you have, what cheese boy do you have here?

Pete Smith is a big fat cheese boy.

Listen, you's a big fat motherfucking, don't get me started.

Listen, Pete's a, he's a Peckerwood motherfucker.

Yeah, what the hell do you think you are?

He's a Peckerwood sucker.

Well, then, look.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Who you fooling with, do you?

I don't give a shit.

Sam, are you being kept on the plantation against your will?

Look, you don't know who you're fooling with.

Who am I fooling with, motherfucker?

All right, stay on the line.

All right, motherfucker.

Stay on the line.

All right, motherfucker.

Okay?

All right, motherfucker.

Stay on the line.

All right, motherfucker.

Stay on the line, you bitch.

You bitch.

All right, maybe we'll get the voicemail this time.

Let's see.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Okay, Jim, bye.

I'm sorry for cutting you off.

I just had to say that.

It's fine.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I hope you get this recorded because this is epic.

Mm-hmm, yep, it's recorded.

She picks up, call her a cheese girl.

Okay.

Hello, how are you, mister?

Here you got the answer machine.

I may be in the motor course traveling somewhere.

I may be in the kitchen somewhere fixing a meal for my lovely wife.

I may even be playing with the grandkids or the great-grandkids.

Listen, I'll tell you, you know, they keep you busy.

Or I just may be sitting here listening at you.

I wouldn't do that.

But anyway, if you like to talk to my wife or myself, leave your name and number, and we'll gladly return your call.

God bless.

Thank you.

That's it, Milkman.

That's the answering machine message.

That's like show intro material.

It's nice.

All right, let's call an Indian restaurant.

We should do our Fat Alberts as well.

Oh, you remember Fat Alberts.

Your call could not be completed at this time.

Please try again later.

I'm hoping I'm running out of credits.

Sorry, your call could not be completed at this time.

Milkman, are you still there?

Hello, Milkman.

He might be muted.

Elkie said in the chat room,

we should call him back for a soundboard of himself.

That would be a good idea, make a soundboard of Pete Smith.

Yeah, we could make up a soundboard.

So how long ago did he retire?

This was like a couple years ago he retired.

Oh, okay.

All right, more Indian and see if this one goes through.

Well, he sure forgot about that cheese counter quickly.

Yeah, man, he left the cheese.

He stopped working, he forgot about cheese.

I think he was just pulling our leg.

He emptied it out, he knew.

Hello?

Horse!

I'd like to make an order, please.

Horse, horse.

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

Horse.

Yes, horse, horse.

A pickup order, horse.

I'd like to make a pickup order, please.

Horse, horse, horse, horse.

Hello?

Yeah, one chicken biryani?

okay one beef tikka horse horse horse i'm horse i am horse yes beef tikka uh platter horse horse

horse uh one paneer uh paneer wrap horse horse that's just a thing i do horse horse horse phone

number uh 305-453-2015 horse which monster energies do you have horse horse is it the

a horse do you have any horse that i can eat any horse for sale yeah sure yeah is it a donkey too

it's your mother right she's a donkey yeah your father stuck his dick in a donkey and you came out

that's exactly right yes yeah you bunched yeah you come front of you and i'll show you what a

horse's dick is like what would happen what would you do with it

well he sounds like turkish oh man that was good damn is that mr anastas the new cousin

you gotta save that number sounded like the turkish horse right hey um carlito do you know

if sam's still around the hostile uh dumpin donut man no i was talking about him earlier

now we we lost him sold that business years ago and we never got him back um i played the best

of them first started. Poor him. I gotta stop eating, man. I'm really rude. I'm gonna take

this bucket of pretzels. I'm gonna throw them far away so that they don't keep eating. Pull

the microphone. Let me try to call that number back. I can't get it. Artie, you called. Did

not answer. Aw, that was fun, man. Fun time. Artie, what have you been up to over there,

man? Yeah, that's awesome. Just hanging out, like, playing poker, smoking. Nice. We got

a place hiring flatbed drivers. Flatbeds. Do it. Artie, you want to be a driver? It's

In about three minutes, once I'm in space.

Are you still in Florida already?

We're calling for quality of service.

This call will be recorded.

Hi, stupid.

I was calling regarding the job position you had available.

Sure, for the over-the-road driver.

For the flatbed driver.

God damn it.

Who's this?

Rex.

Hello.

Yeah, what?

Sorry, were you...

Stupid.

Is there someone I can talk to?

Is there a man I can talk to?

No, there's not.

because you're like there's not sorry well it says drivechief.com and i get a woman instead

of a chief instead of a man this is fucking stupid sounds like sounds like you are so

good luck on your job hunt can't understand what you're saying you're ignorant oh the job hunts

right you guys love them job calls i love them job calls job calls are always fun man i thought

i had i have a best of jobs here somewhere just gotta see where it's at you know later i just

sent you a number uh who is it oh it's uh scooby uh aka ann winthrop um she used to be on the

syndicate uh but it's in syndicate and everything she was a syndicate a host i don't remember her

i don't know her give me a second i'm trying to find my best of job ads what happened to that

i might have accidentally deleted it we're supposed to play it that was supposed to be

my segue into it now i can't find it on the list do you remember the day you were doing like deltona

job ads yeah i was talking shit about deltona the town that i grew up in yeah i was talking

well yeah that's what this is what i brought when i started doing like those daytime shows

on syndicate where i just i'm gonna say this is a daytime show because i remember you guys

doing some shows during the day yeah i would do shows during the day with my newspaper

uh calling fucking bullshit all the time yeah i was working that i was working i remember those

Those are the best.

Well, I can't find them now.

Best of C, Tybee, Michelle, Reclude, Bruno, Clip, Charlie, Cheese Boy, Elevator Shaft, Ernie, Jobs,

Band Pants, Mouths, this is L.A.

I could swear I put some of those together.

Hey, man.

Did I not convert it?

Let's see.

Yeah, I never converted it.

Whoops, I missed it.

Well, I have it in wave form so we can play it.

Anyway, so this is the best of those job calls right here.

So, basically, my thing was I was going around and getting, you know, the Orlando Sentinel want ads at first.

Oh, this is audio from those calls.

I've never heard these.

Cool.

Yeah, these are good calls, man.

So, you know, help wanted calls.

You told me they were good.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

These are my favorite calls to do on the show.

Let's play some of these.

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Okay, sir.

That is not a job.

But it's in the job offers.

It says here job offers.

I realize that, sir, but it's not a position that we have available.

It's in the career builder.

I understand that, sir, if you would please let me finish my statement.

Why are you discriminating against me because I'm applying for a job?

Sir, I am not discriminating against you.

I'm trying to explain to you why that ad is there.

Because it's an open position.

No, it is not.

What I'm trying to explain to you is that is what we in the business call a house ad.

That is directed to the employer.

here i come i say i'm gonna grab i'm gonna i grab the job by the belt by the hips and i put it right

in it yeah damn that felt good would you like our address yeah i'm gonna grab it come here job

i've taken the job give me that job yeah give it hello yeah give me the job yeah monday through

friday sir do you have a shift differential if i if can we change it for a different time

sir then you can find out about all that once you come in and fill out the application and

meet with management okay what if i come in at one o'clock can i leave at 10 instead well if you

come in at one o'clock you will not have an interview the interviews are from nine to one

to two to four okay i don't understand one and two to four but i want to change for the second

shift i want a second shift job please to place the call press one to look desperate it's so

desperate out there right now with the jobs man that felt good to do oh my god

Wow.

Right now what we're doing?

I'm not done with my credentials.

I sell live turkeys in the back for Thanksgiving, and you can throw rocks at them.

And however many you hit, if you stone it, you get to keep it.

It's $5 a stone.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Right now what we're doing is taking down names and numbers for the Orlando area manager.

Right.

He'll be contacting you back to schedule an interview.

I also do the Christmas trees.

We've already got that taken care of.

I got so angry at these Puerto Ricans that came

that they didn't want to buy the damn Christmas trees

that I threw at the top of their car.

I don't mean to cut you short, Thor.

I gave it to them, those stupid assholes.

Don't hurry up and buy the stupid Christmas trees.

I said, just take the stupid thing.

Take the stupid thing!

Let's say that I was at a Rolling Stones concert last week

and there might have been something passed around

and I might have taken a few hits.

How long would it take for that to get out of my system

so I could pass the exam?

Sir, you're not serious about this, are you?

Well, yeah, I am.

I just want to make sure maybe I should hold off a week or drink a lot of water or vinegar or something like that.

I have no idea, sir.

Does it take, like, maybe two or three weeks to get out of your system?

I have no idea.

Do you do a hair test or is it a urine test?

I have no idea.

Because I heard there's this test where you get on a treadmill.

I have no idea.

You run on a treadmill and they take the...

I have no idea, sir.

They take the sweat off your...

I have no idea.

...off the crack of your ass and they test that.

I have no idea.

Because the toxins come out the latest out of the...

I have no idea, sir.

The crack of your ass.

So you don't do the crack of your ass what test?

Hello, ma'am?

Okay, we lost her.

She has no idea, Milkman.

How can I help you?

Hi there.

How are you doing?

I was calling interested in driving your van machine.

Okay.

I like driving vans.

I used to own a van when I was in high school.

I had a mattress in the back, and I called it the panty dropper,

and I, like, rode it on the sides of it, and everything was really cool.

It had neon lights.

I'm not sure what that is.

Where you profile the guests and you give extra scrutiny for, you know, certain classifications of guests.

I like to do that because I find it's more effective.

Like when I worked at Universal Studios in the store and whenever I, if I saw a group of black kids come in,

I would always watch them a little, you know, follow them a little bit.

Okay.

Yeah, we don't do that.

What's the fax number, damn it?

It's 888-872.

Okay.

And do I hit pound after that?

No.

Just fax it down to the corporate office.

Okay.

You ready for the fax?

I get it.

Are you ready for it?

Pardon me?

Are you ready for the fax?

No, corporate office is in Fort Lauderdale.

Well, I just dialed the number now, so I'm ready to hit send.

Well, fax it down there.

Did you get it?

It goes to Fort Lauderdale.

Why would I get it?

I just faxed it.

Do I need to fax it again to Fort Lauderdale?

That's where you just faxed it to, Fort Lauderdale.

Okay, let me redial it.

Okay, and then send.

All right, did it go through?

Sir, I don't know.

I'm not in Fort Lauderdale.

Can you put me on hold and talk to the Fort Lauderdale fax department?

Unable to.

If I sit down there, when they do it, they'll let me know.

I'll give you a look, woman.

I will give you the check when I come in.

It's not about the money.

Mr. Valentine, this is Alan from marketing.

You responded to an ad that we played some.

My number here is literally an interview for tomorrow between the hours of 1 and 6 to the receptionist.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Oh, that guy sounds interesting.

Let's listen to him.

You're returning his call.

Press 2.

So, how may I help you?

Hey, Big Vanessa.

I need to speak to Alan.

He just called asking for me.

I'm returning his call.

This is Valente.

And your name?

This is Valente.

What's your name?

Valente.

Jesus.

Yeah, what's going on over there, sir?

I'm sorry?

How do you say it there, buddy?

Hey, good day.

You're on speakerphone.

Was that before?

Yes.

Why?

Well, you have a problem.

Well, I think usually we ask for permission before we put people on speakerphone.

Isn't that right, Mr. Allen?

This is right.

Okay, then.

Are you looking for a job?

Yes, I am.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what?

I don't know why she spells her name the way she does.

Well, that's pretty stupid.

Well, that's pretty stupid of her, fucking bitch.

Can I, oh, sir.

I could do worse.

You know the C word?

Oh, I do know it.

Yeah.

Call me that and I'll have the police after you right away.

No, no.

Okay, I won't say that.

I guess, you call me that and I can guarantee I'll have the police call that.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

No, I will not pass you on to someone if that's the way you're going to speak.

I won't.

If that's the way you speak to women, I understand why you're in trouble.

That's how I talk to a woman.

I said it in front of a woman customer and a whole bunch of customers.

And then I can understand.

I hope you were fired for that, sir.

No, no, I wasn't.

Well, you should have been.

You don't know that.

You don't know the situation I was in.

You just told me.

You just called someone the C-word.

And I'm sorry.

If someone called me the C-word, I'd demand that they had their job gone, and that's what would happen.

I didn't say the C-word to her.

You just told me that, and I can tell you now, if they do fire you, I will testify in court that that's what you just told me.

Listen, I didn't say that.

I can tell them what you just called, and I can tell them what you just called me

and some other woman here that works.

I'll have to find out who answered the phone and what you said to her.

Please, no.

I didn't say the C word to the customer.

I said the N word.

Okay.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, I used the N word really loud, and everyone heard it.

Okay, but I know what you just called me, and I know what you just told me you were going to call me.

Do you know the N word?

Now, you're my hairstylist.

Yes, I do know the N word, sir.

Okay.

Well, because I was on the second floor of the store, and I started throwing merchandise down the escalator.

I was so mad, and I said, I see, I used the N-word.

I said, all you fucking nerds, like that, I said.

Keep coming in here, shoplifting, all you nerds.

Good-for-nothing, lazy nerds, I said.

Okay, I don't think you used the word nerd, but I can't.

I'm substituting nerds for the, yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to tell her.

I'm going to call her right now because all I have is her voice.

I'm going to call her and tell her that you need to be fired.

No, no, no.

Come on.

You can't do that.

You can't.

You can't do that.

You just told me and you just called me a nasty name.

You called someone else here that you admitted to a nasty name.

You told me I was ignorant and now you're telling me you're throwing merchandise down an escalator

and saying you nerds, you lazy effing nerds.

Oh, I didn't say nerds.

I'm going to talk to the president of this company and demand that you get fired.

No, come on.

How do you like that?

No, please don't.

No.

Please.

I can't.

Come on.

I have children.

You know what?

You should have thought about that before you used that language when you called this

company and you started saying those nasty words to these people.

I'm sorry.

I can transfer you into Drudy's voicemail.

That's all I can do for you.

What's her name?

Duty?

Yeah, whatever you would like to call her, except for I hope you don't call her the C

word.

I will transfer you into her voicemail.

That's what you have to be transferred into, and that's who you need to deal with.

I will make my recommendations what I feel should happen to you.

You cannot.

Thank you very much.

No, motherfucker.

I'll transfer you into her.

Now see, you're calling me another name.

Yay, that was the best of those job calls that I love doing so much.

I love that.

My favorite one was the best one.

That last one is hilarious.

The dirty one is so fucking funny.

Oh my gosh, that was great.

the facts one was funny

the facts where I just make fart noises

yeah I've done that a few times but yeah that's there

that was covered that was good

uh yeah

there was the guy

the time that the guy left me the

voicemail and I called him back like an asshole

take me off speakerphone

speakerphone thing good time so we're

pretty we're four hours deep

into this 12 hour

thing that we're doing that I'm doing

so I'm a third of the way through

one third of the way and we're still going strong no problems here who else do we got let's see

someone that we can prank uh they're looking for more drivers in kentucky uh already do you still

want to do it you haven't done a call yet or jen are you back do you want to do a call you can't

And the driver, I don't know what's in his bag.

1-800-487-1141-1274-9.

What the fuck was that?

That was fucking cool.

That was cool as hell.

I have no idea what that was, but it was cool.

Here's a different driver job.

Call may be recorded.

Yeah, hey, you looking for some driver boys?

Yeah?

We're drivers.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, so what's your...

Good drivers.

What's your name, boy?

My name is Bobby Miles.

I don't know about being a boy.

Oh, I thought you was a friend.

I was just calling you boy, like friend, like my boy, you know?

Let me transfer to somebody that can help me.

All right, motherfucker.

All right.

What was that guy doing?

Hey, sexy, how you doing?

I'm doing well.

Good.

I was calling about that driver positions you got.

May I ask who I'm speaking with?

Yeah, this is Rex.

Rex, can I get your telephone number?

Yep.

It's 218-958-2015.

I don't see you in our system.

Yeah, because I've never called before, stupid.

Well, I guess you should have a good day, all right?

No, please, please, no.

Come on, no.

Please.

I've got a lot of time invested in this.

I was going to take a bong hit over the phone.

Oh, yeah, that's very appropriate for a job.

This call may be recorded.

Transportation, this is Heather.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

How are you?

I'm not doing good at all, actually.

I got my blood work back today,

and I found out that my kidney functions are acting a little erratically

and my creatine levels are up.

Apparently, my kidneys are dumping protein into my urine, so that's not too good.

My numbers aren't where they need to be.

The triglycerides are almost double the safe zone for a person like me.

My A1C, though, wasn't bad.

It didn't get any worse.

It didn't get any better, though.

It stayed the same.

What did I do for you today?

I was calling about a job application, Class A CDL flatbed drivers in the U, 389 trucks

and 70 miles per hour start being paid up to 41 CPM health insurance,

401K, pay your DM, pay home weekends.

Can you hold on just a moment?

Okay.

Be sure to see our website at swifttrans.com for further details.

The principal commodities that we transport include...

Thank you for calling Swift Refrigerated.

If you know the four-digit extension of the person you are calling,

please enter it now followed by the pound sign.

Speak to a company operator.

Please hold.

Thank you.

All agents are currently assisting other callers.

Please hold for the first available agent.

Thank you.

Over the years, Swift Transportation has developed a strategic network of regional terminals and offices.

This best-in-class terminal network establishes a local market presence in every region of the United States and Mexico.

It enables us to respond more rapidly to our customers' ever-changing requirements.

We're eager to put our resources to work for your transportation.

Our terminals and offices are located in areas that have strong and diverse economies

and provide access to key population centers.

Please remain on the line for just another moment.

No, I'm staying on the line for that anymore.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, where are we at with this?

Shall we continue?

We should do Fat Albert's.

You wanted a Fat Albert call, you said, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Let me look at the map, see what I can call.

Oh, actually, no.

I got some numbers over here.

Let me try this list.

uh first we got here is adp payroll wage garnishment line all right i'll call them

as fat albert i'm gonna say hey hey hey it's fat albert you do a really good uh fat albert i did

i don't know if i can anymore i don't have it in my soul anymore

forgot the number one here thank you for calling garnishment services in order to access

garnishment information i need to know which of the three options best describes your role in the

the garnishment your options are employee custodial parent or agency employee okay you chose

employee now in order to access your records i need your social security number all right i'm

not going here with you lady get out of my face here's a bakery i'll call this fat albert the

me me bakery me me okay me bakery me me yeah hi i try to make an order today yeah i want one

Make an order one bread.

What type of bread?

Bread.

We only have a raisin bread, so...

Oh, yeah.

How about them mooncakes?

We do have mooncakes.

Yeah, I'll take...

Which one would you like?

The...

Can you do that?

Can you say that one more time, please?

The...

Didn't understand that.

Can you repeat that, please?

The...

Yeah, did you get that?

What type of mooncake would you like to order?

Um, we don't sell that.

Oh.

What about the...

God damn it, come on!

Hello?

Yeah.

I'm gonna put Artie on the line.

He's got an order.

Artie!

Hey, motherfucker.

Hey, um, I'll have seven breads.

Wait, wait, wait.

chicken what do you want we don't have ready motherfucker what do you think i want oh man

i didn't know you'd be throwing that to me i was like doing some shit i didn't know either i'm

sorry uh lego was calling in he was calling in early maybe maybe something maybe something came

up for lego that he can't join us on the car hello lego we're dialing we're dialing them

We're dialing Doc Lego.

All right.

Dr. Lego?

Hello.

Hey, man, what's up?

Yeah.

What's up, man?

What's up?

Congratulations, dude.

Yay.

Are you not able to join when KDK and Zola are on?

Are you going to be busy, probably?

My dad told me that I'm not allowed on the air with faggots.

Oh, so you can't make it.

I understand that.

All right.

No, I could make it.

I'm just not allowed on with, you know,

April.

Well, Milkman has to be on the show,

so I can't do anything about that.

I can't do anything about it.

No, I'm only kidding.

Listen, it's been a few years since I busted KDK's job.

Yeah.

What time are you doing that?

What time do you want me on?

Around 7 p.m. Eastern.

Zolar is confirmed and KDK is confirmed.

I will do my best,

um but i just wanted to come on now anyway and just say yo to my brother who you know me and

you go back and you know we used to control the airwaves dude now everybody now everybody pranks

everybody it's a big thing now lego did you so you say you started the first

what exactly did you start online 1996 bro that was the first uh it was called what the hell did

we call the show the pranksters i called it 1996 okay all right what did you broadcast in real

audio i'm guessing that we broadcast it on a windows media server how gay is that so people

would just dial into the server to hear it then yeah we would go on like you know like sites like

what the hell is that popular comedy message board site we would like rotten.com and all those places

and just say hey we're doing a prank call show tonight we'd get you know we get like 20 30

30 people to listen.

Oh, man.

Those good times.

Then you did prankcallradio.com, right?

Yeah, prankcallradio.com was the...

Prankcallradio.com and Dr. Lego's Mental Discrepancies show was my big things.

Okay.

Mental Discrepancies was when we had PCU going on, and you were...

Yeah, no, that went through PCU, that went to Syndicate,

and you were on that show plenty of times.

Yeah, of course I was.

Yeah, that was fun.

And you had High Pitch Eric on a lot back then, if I remember correctly.

Yeah, High Pitch was a regular.

Zolar was a regular.

Zudo, man.

Remember Zudo?

Zudo was a regular.

I spoke to Zudo the other day.

I was trying to get him on.

You never know.

He may come in with me later.

Oh, great voices from Zudo, man.

Hey, Robin Farah.

What's up, Lego?

Hey, who there?

That's Jonathan and Evil Artie from Syndicate.

Oh, Evil Artie.

What the fuck, man?

What's up, Lego?

and jim stewart is here jim stewart is here oh jim stewart has been a long time man yeah

yeah i think you know evil already used to call me up when he was in college for like sexual

advice oh really yeah no i didn't yeah you did you just you're like i'm gonna lose my virginity

to a uh an escort dude i have those phone calls recorded okay so let me try it look at him all

embarrassed now already come on man you know you did i don't remember that shit

of course i've been smoking a lot of weed so like i forget a lot of shit back then

yeah that's all right so listen let's um i'm gonna i'm gonna like not have a lot of time

right now do you want to do like one quick call and then i'll try and call in around seven sure

perfect let's do that like i'm gonna tell you who i'd like you to call okay sure i would like you

to call uh get on the line any police department in dublin ireland what oh really yeah a police

Police department in Dublin, Ireland.

Yeah.

Police department, Dublin.

Now, you're not going to do something crazy, are you?

No.

But what could I, listen, what could I do in Dublin?

Listen, wait, wait, wait.

You're asking me if I'm going to do something crazy?

Yeah, right?

I don't know.

We'll do it.

Hang on, I'm kidding.

Now, if I remember how, Jen, how do we figure out that I do the, oh, man, I forgot again.

044, and I take out the plus?

Is that what it is?

There it is.

It's 440.

zero your international call cannot be hey don't you know your technical shit by now well i i'm

i'm using my own like uh pbx server now and it's not like just dialing on skype is not in service

you have your own pbx server yeah i got my own that i'm running now yeah i'm running a pbx server

um it helps out with a lot of things but there's i mean i can do it there's a certain way i just

forget this the stupid combination to do it shit is it one four four it's like uh zero one one zero

one one zero one one who do you uh who do you use as a sir who do you use for your uh my trunk

flow route i'm using flow route oh those guys fucking you heard you know what they did last

year right no what happened yeah those guys were you know remember when hostess uh went out of

business for a while yeah yeah with the twinkies thing right yeah that you can blame those

those motherfuckers why what did they do really yeah man they they bought out all the twinkies

nobody could get twinkies with them they fucking hogged them low route did this are you kidding

with me no dude low route hogged the twinkies for like six months why would they have an interest

in that man you know dude you know those phone guys they love twinkies can't get double man i'm

sorry i forgot i don't know what i'm doing wrong i'll probably remember later how embarrassing

Really?

Yeah, it's dial 011 and then the code...

Jen, you want to help me here, bro?

Jen, are you back yet?

I was just doing a 011 and then you do 44 and then the actual number.

Let me try a different number.

Maybe it's just a funky number.

Cut.

Kill that cat.

The number you have dialed is not in service.

All right, so you got it working, but you know you're just dialing a bad number.

Yeah, I guess.

I'm just going to call.

Can I call something else?

No, I need a police department in Ireland.

Try it.

I have a good prank.

You know what?

I was using the wrong code anyway.

Ireland isn't plus 44.

I never said it was.

Yeah, but I'm saying it myself.

That's what I did.

I was doing it wrong.

The key to life is a healthy colon.

Colon blow?

I'm so busy.

Oh, God.

Let me get you one, dude.

Hold on.

Yeah, get me one.

Figure out how you dial this through one of them things.

Hold on.

Well, I'm going to get you a police department in Ireland.

Aha.

One, one, three, five, three.

I got a couple of phone numbers.

Tell me when you're ready.

Yeah, I'm ready.

You're giving them...

Okay, go ahead.

353-1666-0000.

Try that.

That sounds like an easy number, huh, Paul?

011-353.

Aha!

My man, let go.

Take it away, buddy.

Chat room's going crazy with numbers for us, too.

I love that chat room, man.

I fucking hope there's a leprechaun in this, man.

If they don't answer, I got another one.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Godhead Quarters?

Hey, what's up?

What's up? This is the police department?

Mm-hmm.

Hi. Is this the chief?

No, you're through to guard the headquarters.

Oh, the headquarters. All right.

Maybe you're one of the officers there?

What section are you looking for?

I'm looking to speak to an officer. I got a problem.

I got a situation.

Where are you calling from?

Believe it or not, I'm calling from New York in the United States,

but I really need your help over there.

This is a big problem. I need to speak to an officer there.

It's a problem with your country.

the country in general or well no no here's the situation there's a girl her name is kim

o'connell all right right and i wound up marrying her okay yeah and um the problem is she's defective

i want to send her back it doesn't work like that yeah no dude she's she's crazy bro you guys got to

take her back in man you got to take her back to your country and get her fixed if she's legal in

If she's legal in America, she can stay there.

Dude, listen, whatever, but I'm saying, like, you guys don't care about your people?

Well, if they're an adult, they're old enough to make their own decisions.

Listen, I'm from Israel.

I could go back there any time.

They'd take me right in.

Oh, she can come back if she wants to come back.

I could join the army tomorrow.

Yeah, there's no problem there.

Listen, I married her because she's blonde, big tits.

I mean, she's beautiful.

But the problem is that, you know, she's crazy.

crazy but if she if she doesn't want to come back we can't force her to come back well can i can i

give can you call her can i give her your number or can you can you call her up and arrange her

her transportation back and maybe it's got nothing to do with me well aren't you got absolutely

nothing to do with me that's between yourself and herself no no dude i she's broke there's

something wrong with her man she's from your country she's listening she listens to you too

I do, all day long, dude.

I can't take it.

Well, I can't do anything for you.

What's your name?

I want to document this.

Yeah, Mick.

Mick's my name.

Officer Mick?

Yep.

Mickey?

All right.

Let me put this down, Mickey.

All right, so you're going to do, so right now you have nothing to give me on this.

Now you're being offensive.

I'm being offensive?

No, no, I'm very respectful.

That's not my name.

My name?

I gave you my name, and now you're calling me names.

No, no, dude, I'm not calling you names.

I felt like you and I had a connection, so I, you know, like, instead of saying Nick, I said Nick.

No, no, we don't have a connection.

What?

We don't have a connection.

Oh, I thought we were being nice to each other.

No, we were until you started calling me names.

What name did I call you?

You know what you called me.

Never.

I didn't call you a bad name.

No, have a good day.

Thank you.

Good night.

I love you.

Now you're being offensive.

That's awesome.

Don't worry, Michael.

That's funny.

That kind of sucked, but it was an idea.

Tell him to suck a cheetah's dick.

Like a great tall man.

Fuck you, you had him gone.

Lego, buddy, buddy, listen, in case I can't get you later, let me at least go over some stuff with you.

Now, let's talk about that green tape that changed my life in high school with my personal prank.

Oh, the tape.

The gross tape.

You love that tape.

I love that tape, and I can't believe I met the guy half of the, so you didn't, you introduced each one.

Like, you would say, this is the amazing sound.

Here's the story.

Yeah, tell me again.

Do you want to hear the story from the beginning?

Yes, please. Tell me.

went out we got totally wasted two o'clock in the morning we're back in the studio and we just

started thinking about all these ways to make these disgusting sounds and he was like the king

of that stuff so uh all the all the really gross sounds on there are him and um and i did the

announcing and the editing and i did the mastering so that's why it sounds so you know realistic and

good and we couldn't get a record deal we almost got a record deal with the uh company that did

the jerky boys but they passed on it so i went directly to spencer gifts and before i knew it

we sold i think 50 000 copies yeah i bought one at a spencer's gift in uh altamont springs florida

man in 1995 i think i saw it and i yeah i got it and i swear to god lego my sides hurt me i take

the tape and i give it to my i give it to my dad to let him listen to it and he starts going nuts

about it yeah it was it was a successful yeah did you ever hear the gross rap that we did later on

no no i didn't hear it was a gross rap i gotta i gotta give you a copy of that i wrote a

rap song with john yeah so you so you you still have copies of that you still use it on stern a

lot yeah the pissing and the shitting i use it about every day every show now tell me how to

now you said the shitting was a lysol bottle being plunked yeah so here's what we did we took a pail

of water and you know how

the Lysol bottle, the Lysol can

had that like roundish

like a dip

so we used a really

intense microphone, it's called a condenser

microphone and we would

drop the Lysol can in the

bucket of water and that would give you the plop sound

I gotcha

so that's it and he was going

like that

and if you listen to his voice it sounds like it's almost

reverberated like in a

tiled bathroom and I used something called

Called a lexicon reverb to get that.

Cool.

Yeah, because I had a realistic Radio Shack tape player recorder with the speaker on it, you know.

And what I would do as a joke, me and my buddy Andy that ended up being my co-host, and Mike was our other friend.

He never made it to the show.

But we used to go into the high school bathroom and we would play it really loud, you know, and just leave it.

That's great.

And I remember one time we were in there, and we would just stand at the urinal and just wait for people to come in.

And these black dudes came in like, oh, did some nigga here take a shit, nigga?

Oh, listen to nigga taking a shit.

That's hilarious.

And I came out with the tape, and they're like, oh, this is funny.

I made copies of that, and I'm sorry, man.

No, that's fine, dude.

You know what?

That's the way it goes, and it's all good, and I'm glad you got some enjoyment out of it.

I will tell you that, and I'm glad you still use it.

But I'm going to tell you something funny.

It's funny in a way because people don't realize it.

But technically speaking, a lot went into making that tape.

Yeah.

I mean, it really took hours to do and then mix and master and get it to sound the way it sounds.

that's not like

just turning on a tape recorder and i mean if we went through a real recording process almost like

like we were like one of those sound effects places yeah that when you're making a movie so

can you give me because the copy what i play is straight up from my old tape that i ran with an

aux cable like years ago and and dubbed do you have like digital like masters of it or something

i do yes oh man you can we i gotta like get those from you like dropbox or something we'll figure

it out you would like a digital master of the gross tape that could be arranged yes and you

want to know the truth i mean i have it on dat very clean wow but but it was originally recorded

on half inch tape i mean it was not it was it was recorded analog and in those days we didn't have

you know digital like we have nice mid 90s clean mid early 90s you did that yeah we recorded on

two inch and half inch and all those good formats that they had back in the day so yeah man cool

all right well yeah so how did the pissing how did the the famous piston that i play here all

All the time. How did that go?

Well, if you notice, the piss takes a really long time, right?

It's a really long piss.

That's just a pitcher of water going into a toilet.

I figured it was just something simple like that.

Really well, and the whistling and all that.

It gets played a lot.

I do pranks looking for jobs, Lego, and I just play it in the background.

And I've had women get shocked, hang up.

I've had a guy recently said,

Are you for real? You're taking a piss while I'm here and you're looking for a job.

I still get many lulls out of that man

I got a question for you

what did I say to offend

that police guy

I don't know what did you say

did you say asshole

you called me Mickey

is Mickey a curse

well like Mickey

like mix is something that they make fun of

Irish people

but I didn't know that

he said his name was Mick

did he say his name was Mick

He said his name was Mick.

That's hilarious that it was Mick, for real.

Yeah, he said Mick, and then you said, hey, Mickey.

Yeah, because I was trying to make him feel comfortable.

Oh, it's like, hey, that's like, hey, listen.

Like, that's your Peter, right?

If I call you Petey, that's not a big deal, right?

Dude, that's really offensive.

That's really offensive.

I thought you did it on purpose.

I'm like, I thought you did it on purpose, man.

Well, I did do it on purpose.

I didn't know it was like an insult, though.

I didn't know he was going to take it like I called him Negroes.

Very nice, very nice.

Do you remember when we called Tara Demas on the air once?

This chick that, something about, oh, what the hell was it?

You had told her you were a cop or an investigator.

Yeah, I think I remember something about that night.

I told her that she was telling me it was her boyfriend or something.

I said, well, as long as you tell, you know, I remember something, too, frankly.

And then you were the leader of the band of the Plum Cunts for a while, too.

I still am.

I'm still the leader of that band.

The Plum Cunts, what the fuck is that?

Hi, Dr. Legge.

What's up, Mr. Stewart there?

How are you, man?

You know, I'm living the dream. How are you doing, brother?

Yeah, I'm living the dream as well.

There you go.

There you go, guys.

So what are you doing in real life right now?

Do you get the Steel Horse band or is it different now?

I have a couple of different bands.

Tell us about the new Super Studio.

Yeah, I've got a band called Petey Mix, which took over for Steel Horse.

and it's pretty much

it's just like 90s hard

rock band. We go out and we play a couple

of times a month and get drunk and have

a good time. And then I have a

Led Zeppelin tribute band called Let's

Zepp and you can find that on YouTube.

Kim's singing in that band.

It's pretty kick-ass. It's just a

hobby, dude. My main business, I'm in the internet

business. You knew that. I'm still in the internet

business. I've

got a hosting and design company and

knock on wood, we're

We're moving along.

Yeah, if you could plug that, you're still doing getinspace.com?

It's getinspace, but if you go to getinspace, it will take you to Cybernet, which is the new company.

So Cybernet is the new name.

But, yeah, we, you know, it's all good.

Cool.

And you offer different web hosting services.

Yeah, you know.

Are you still making guitars?

Dedicated servers.

Lego, you were making guitars before Lego?

I didn't know that.

I was, before Hurricane Sandy, I started building my own guitars.

I've been playing guitar my whole life

and I said, yeah, let me build a couple of these suckers

and I did, I built two guitars that I still have

and I really like

and Sandy came and destroyed my house and all my tools

and that was that

Hey, let's play, here's another Lego prank right now

this is being requested

I had it on the list, we'll play it early

maybe so KDK doesn't get upset about it later

we can play it again

this is Lego, I don't know if you remember the time you prank called

when you prank called KDK

you called him

for something, and you decided to

prank him, and he got real upset with you.

I have no recollection.

Let her rip.

So yeah, a little bit of

not being able to take his own medicine.

That was funny. You got him pretty

on that one. I always love that one.

It wasn't really that funny, but he was

getting pissed, so that was good.

Yeah, it was just funny the way he's like

he later on said that's the way

he handles when he would get a callback from

prank calls. He would just act like he didn't

know what you were talking about and say, well, I'm going to call the cops

on you now you're bothering me that was this little his little trick you know i'll tell you

katie k you know i got mixed i mean you know dude i got like nothing i wish nothing bad on the guy

but uh yeah you know i mean you know what you don't bother me about him he claims to be like

you know this big prank guy which he was for a long time but dude did you ever listen like

an hour into a show uh a lot of the same music being repeated sometimes and a lot of the same

music a lot of the same pranks and he'd be so drunk that he couldn't remember what he was doing

from one minute to the next yeah i remember he would call numbers over and over again sometimes

like twice in a row three times in a row not remembering he'd already called them

yeah yeah but um that's nunu's fault that's nunu's fault because nunu sends shitty numbers

nunu does do that numbers i just don't pick up and stuff like that is that what you're saying

yeah but i mean even still like you've helped him out like he he bought the rights to some

Some movies, right?

And you helped them out, counseled them on that and all that good stuff.

I don't remember, dude.

I remember something to do with that.

That's like eight years ago already.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Well, you want to do some more pranks, Lego?

You down?

You got some time?

I got to fly, but I will try and come back in around 7 o'clock and say hello to all the guys.

No problem.

If you can, please do it.

If you can, it's all good.

Thanks for showing up now.

We had fun.

We did a pranky prank there.

I'm going to tell you

Thumbs up for keeping it real all these years

You're the man

And there's an open door here

Anytime you want to start doing a show again

Maybe I won't do a show

But maybe I'll pop in with you once in a while

Don't be a stranger buddy

I love you too brother

Love all you guys

Peace out

Love you brother

We won't miss you man

Thanks for coming back

We having fun

I'm having fun with this.

This is great.

This is fucking great.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I got a manufacturing number.

I have a manufacturing company by the name of Cox, C-O-X.

Ooh.

That's fine.

I don't know.

Is that a Jim Stewart call?

You can if you want, Jim.

No, no.

It's okay.

I'll wait for a bit more.

Sorry.

I'm just trying to get into the groove.

He's working.

He's multitasking right now.

Yeah, the Plum Cuts.

I forgot about that.

The Plum Cuts.

I can see his dick.

Yeah, I was literally going, you know, just for a whole month and a half,

I would just think of stuff and listen to random episodes and be like, yes.

You should make some fart noises.

To ensure the highest level of customer care, this call may be recorded.

That's a good idea, fart noise.

Be cold while we connect your call.

If you know the three-digit extension of the person you are calling,

dial it at any time.

Or for the personnel directory, press 8.

For sales, press 1.

One, for human resources.

Two, coming.

Manufacture Cox.

I know.

I'm doing human resources.

Hello?

That's Milkman.

Hello?

It's not transferring us.

It's just sitting there.

No music, no nothing.

No one from human resources is available to call at this time.

Give me sales, then.

Directions.

Oh, my God.

All right, we're going to skip Cox, okay?

Funny name.

That was probably the best we were going to get out of that anyway.

SE Automation Machine.

I like this theme here.

We got machines.

Machines.

You know, I never really understood why I got so into machines.

Basically what happened, and I explained this on Reddit not too long ago.

Machines.

Machines started because I used to work between 2006-2007 when this Madhouse 2.0 era started.

I worked at a call center that handled cable internet subscribers problems,

but there were rural customers, so I would get a lot of people in the woods,

backwoods to 239 area codes and stuff one time i got this really ghetto southern black lady she's

like there's a problem with my computer machine and i i bowed over laughing like immediately and

i didn't have her on mute she's like yeah it's funny i'm like and it just went from there i had

so much fun with her she was so angry and mean that her computer machine wasn't working you know

what it was she was um she said she kept turning on the computer machine she was turning on her

monitor and she would get the thing that said video cable you know error video cable unplugged

or whatever and she said that she had a virus and we needed to fix it she was all wrong all wrong

all together on what it was what the problem was how to fix it whose responsibility it was and the

name of her problem because the computer machine doesn't make sense but anyway that's where that

started i started saying machine all the time and now it's it's a it's become a machine itself

So let's call SE Automation Machines.

What are you calling machines?

Good afternoon, SE Automation.

Hey, honey, baby. How are you?

Who is this?

This is Julio. How are you?

You have the wrong number.

This is SE Automation Machine.

Yes, it is.

Yeah, I was calling.

Who are you looking for?

The machine doesn't go.

The machine isn't...

Who are you looking for?

The person who can help me get the main machine to go again.

Well, what kind of machine?

I'm not sure what

heavy were you talking

with someone or

yeah and the thing

goes like that

you hit the button

and it goes

like that

then the arm comes down

and goes

and then the pieces

go

it has the belt

and it goes

do you have a semen machine

or what kind is it

no it's not for semen

that's disgusting

whatever

I love my little baby

my stupid baby talk

thanks

alright let's call back

Artie you want it

Artie

Good afternoon, SC Automation.

Hi, do you have the sleep-in machine?

Pardon me?

Um, you said you had the machine?

We were just talking about 30 seconds ago?

Yeah, I'll put you through to Mike.

One second, please.

Yeah, Mike.

Now there's someone.

Talk to a man.

Mike speaking.

Is this the man I need to speak to?

I don't know.

Who's this?

It's Artie.

I need a machine.

This is who?

It's Artie, motherfucker.

I need a machine.

You need a machine?

Yeah, um, I'm sorry.

I'm, like, choking on some stuff.

Um, can you get me a machine, bro?

Uh, you called SE Automation.

Yeah, SE Automation Machines.

No, we're a distributor.

Yeah, and distribute your fucking machine to my house.

We sell Siemens Automation.

We don't sell machines.

That's disgusting.

Let me talk to your supervisor.

You got him.

How dare you say Siemens to me?

I am a Christian man, and that only happens for making babies and stuff.

Uh-huh.

Siemens.

Put an S on the end of it.

So you're, like, trying to put a lot of semen in my machine?

That's highly offensive, sir.

So who am I talking to?

This is Artie.

Artie, from where?

I need you to take the machine and deliver it to Nevada.

I'm in Las Vegas right now, and I need you to come over with the machine and shove it up your fucking ass.

Okay.

You done yet?

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, I'm here.

Yes, sir.

Hi.

I'm the foreman over here.

Did you get that order?

Did you get that?

Did you get all that?

Not a word.

Well, he's trying to put a...

We need a request.

We have a request on the machine.

On what machine?

The main machine here.

It says main machine A.

It says main machine A, bus B under roll.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, how do you make it go?

I don't know.

Well, it has two options.

We don't make...

There's a green button.

We don't make machines.

Yeah, but you help out and service them.

Should I hit the green button or the red button?

I'll tell you.

Artie, hit the green button.

Can you hit it, please?

i was gonna start i was trying to get him to hang up i mean it was kind of going nowhere

god bless him he's hanging on hey i made contact with big will i had tried and i had invited him

to join us he never got back he's getting back to me now he's he's uh seeing if he can get some

time to join us a little later big will used to co-host a show with me uh yeah i remember that

was jim you remember big will i do yeah already i don't know if you do i think that was before

four-year time. Big Will.

The man with the fro machine.

Yeah, Big Will.

I'm going to be taking another break here in a little bit

in order to play

two of my favorite prank calls.

Get those out of the way here. And also

for me to go ahead and stretch my legs and check

on the cats, make sure they're doing okay.

Before we do that, let me play here. I know this is one

of Artie's favorites. It's called The Man Pants.

Remember that Man Pants call, Artie, from

back in the day?

This is a good example of the way I

treat women on the show.

I mean, I'm a doll.

I'm a sweetheart with everybody off air.

But my online persona is very...

He's worse than that at home, man.

He's nothing like he is on the phone calls.

He's much worse at home.

Now, keep in mind, these are not the full prank calls.

You can get those over at madhouselive.com or listen to the old shows.

These are just bits and little mashups of these little bits and calls so that they fit in our time constraints.

because believe it or not in 12 hours we still have a lot of stuff to get to uh so so here is

uh the man pants this is a few about three minutes curly dough you um does athena have

like footprints in front of the sink for her to do the dishes she should right i should have like

that outlined in tape scotch tape not scotch tape and duct tape colored duct tape all right uh yeah

she'd kill me anyway here's that prank man pants i'll be right back don't go anywhere oh i almost

more stretch my legs as well i'll be back oh yeah stretch your dick for the head uh chef man in

charge who am i speaking with and why are you answering the regional manager my name is kim

that's nice honey that's nice honey this is valente i need to speak to the chef please

there's a gentleman there who i was working with before the chef passed your phone call along to

me that's nice honey if i can uh speak to your gentleman call me honey please um what is your

name sir this is valente valente is your first name that's right sweetie okay please don't call

Call me sweetie.

I just want to have a conversation with him because I want to teach him.

I want to teach Fernando over there how it is you're supposed to make this take.

Well, Fernando, quite frankly, was feeling rather disrespected because you were yelling, as was the general manager.

And I happened to be in town this evening, so she passed your call along to me.

I happen not to yell at anybody until I sort of get in the runaround from that lady.

I never raise my voice to Fernando.

And if you say that, then someone is lying.

And I have a feeling it might be you making up stories right now, trying to dissuade me from the situation, sweetie.

And I don't appreciate it.

Again, sweetie.

Okay, hon.

I don't appreciate this, sweetie.

Well, you know, is there a...

So what exactly...

How many other...

What are you, a regional manager?

You're assistant to the regional manager?

No, I'm the regional manager.

Is there a man above you somewhere that I can talk to that happens to be there?

My CEO is the man that's above me.

Well, good.

He's the only person that's above me.

Does he happen to be in there coincidentally?

No, he's not here tonight.

Seems to me like I'm speaking to some random woman who's working there who wants to impersonate that she's wearing the man pants here and is a regional manager.

Right.

The regional manager just happens to be in on a Tuesday night.

Well, I happen to live in Las Vegas, so yes, I happen to be here on a Tuesday night.

Ridiculous.

You obviously do live in Las Vegas, and you're obviously new money.

Well, I don't know what any of this means.

You don't know what new money is?

When you're ready to tell me what the issues are and speak to me in a respectful manner that I'm speaking to you in, then we can talk.

So you can give me a call any time.

That's nice, honey.

Do you want to write down my phone number?

I don't know why you'd want me to call you back.

I am a woman.

Well, once you calm down, you can call me back.

I'm very calm.

You're the one that's not calm.

Well, pass this number on to the man in charge of things over there.

Well, I will give him your information, but I'm quite sure that you're not going to get a phone call from him.

Then I'll call back in.

Where can I call him at?

Where is he at?

You can leave a message for him here.

No, where's the corporate headquarters?

What's your address?

Valente?

No, the Valente is all you need, Valente.

I'm with Valente and Associates, yes, and I happen to be a CEO myself of Valente and Associates in Oklahoma City.

And I don't have a habit of coming.

I come here once a month to handle business, and every time I come here and I get the most substandard steak

from apparent immigrants or something that was going on here with these people that work here named Fernando and Gonzalez.

But now you're speaking offensively about race.

I'm Hispanic, sir.

I'm not going to put up with it.

Why don't you give me your phone number, and you can call me back whenever you calm down

and stop racial slurs and feminine slurs toward everyone on my team here.

I'm not going to tolerate it.

What is your phone number, Valente?

405-6.

No, wait a minute.

Yeah, 405-6.

That's a new number.

6-6.

Okay, great.

And listen, honey, you just sit there and be pretty

and make sure you get that message out to the CEO, as you said, honey.

Okay, sweetie?

Yeah, okay.

Thank you, baby.

All right.

Oh, I'm back.

Sorry.

It took a little longer than I thought it was going to take me to eat that half a sandwich.

I got another half left.

I'm so excited to eat it.

Oh, yeah.

So, what's up?

Where we at?

Funny.

Cool.

Hermano.

Yo, what's up?

Hey, I'm going to patch out for a second.

I want you to call me back in about, like, not yet.

At the top of the hour, I'm going to have to patch out about, like, five minutes.

All right, and then I'll call you back.

Okay, sounds good.

If for some reason I'm not getting through, call my cell phone and remind me, all right?

Yeah, okay, I'll tell you before, man.

You know, I'll have you call me back after five minutes.

All right, sounds good.

Yeah, all right, thanks.

All right, thank you, man.

You're doing a great job, brother.

Thank you so much, man.

Well, I'm trying to continue here with this shit.

Where are we at?

Oakman's taking a five-minute nap.

I don't know.

No, he's got a ride.

He's got to pick someone up for work.

Take them around, drive them around.

I tried to get my work day off the whole day.

I couldn't, but I got everything.

But, like, a couple hours here, I got to squeeze in.

Other than that, I'm all yours, guys.

I'm so glad you're all here, man.

It's all good, man.

All right, let's get to this Lyman Orchards crop information line.

So it's information for farmers, I guess, probably, people in the agricultural society.

Jen, do you feel pranky yet?

Not just yet, but I'm getting closer.

I'm getting warm, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, and thank you for calling Live at Orchard, Connecticut's sweet spot.

You've reached our Pick Your Own and special events hotline for Thursday, July 16th.

It's a beautiful day to come out to the orchard, and today we have Pick Your Own raspberries, blueberries,

yastaberrys, and peaches open from 8 a.m. until 5 p.m.

Actually, yeah, I'll do it.

The raspberries are now in peak supply.

There are plenty of flavorful ripe berries.

We expect the raspberry season will go another couple of weeks.

The blueberries are in good supply, as more berries are ripening every day.

I don't care.

Oops.

What did I do?

Good supply.

Their season is short.

Only about another...

One moment, please.

There we go.

When in doubt, zero it out.

Thank you for calling Lemon.

This is Julia.

How may I help you?

Yes, how are you?

Thanks.

How are you?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, excellent.

Very good.

I'm looking for some advice, you know.

Maybe you can give me advice on fertilizer.

I want to fertilize my whole garden, you know.

Um, we don't do anything like that.

Why not?

Because we sell fruit and stuff, but we don't do anything fertilizer.

Yeah, but you know how to do it.

So you sell fruit and things.

How do you fertilize your fruit trees?

I don't know.

You'd have to talk to our orchard manager.

I can give you his phone number.

Yes, give it to me.

Give it to me.

Okay, it's 60-349-7150.

Got it.

60-349-

Hello?

Yeah.

What was it again?

7-1-5-0.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

I got it.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey, honey.

Hello?

Hey, you want to get weird?

Weirder with us?

You want me to tell you what we're doing together?

Call the manager.

I want to ask him.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm glad you got it.

Sorry, that number went out, didn't it?

Ah, who cares?

Don't worry about it.

We'll call it real quick.

All circuits are busy now.

Oh.

All circuits are busy now.

It's not working.

Please try your call again later.

Probably because everybody's fucking on the air who got the numbers.

swinging him oh shit oh shit i dropped milkman in the process let me try again hang on shit

yeah maybe i don't know maybe she just gave a bad number let me call milkman back oh boy

i'm coming up on a break i know there's a lot i know there's not a lot of prank you know like

new pranks i am getting a lot more than i thought i was going to be able to so thankfully we got

that but remember this is a retrospective kind of show with our friends are you digging it jim

You think the format's going good, nice and smooth and all?

Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.

Obviously, I wasn't here since the start, so I didn't really catch on.

So now I'm just sort of drifting in.

I'm sorry, the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Uh-oh, Milkman isn't responding.

I think he went to work.

Good enough time for us to take that break I was talking about.

Let's take it now while Milkman works with that trip.

Yeah, okay.

So when I come back, we've got more calls to get to,

but I am going to be playing two of my favorite prank calls.

I Need an Address, that's when I was calling about jobs, doing job calls like I played earlier,

and came to find one that let me get through to the voicemail.

I just put 0000 or something like that, really simple, one of those moves I pulled on it,

and I got through to the voicemail, and there was a guy on it that said,

Hey, I'm calling about the job, and I called him back and confused him.

And then we also have Cobra Security.

Security. Both of these pranks featured this little alarm that when I was in an engineering class,

one of my exams was to weld, not weld, to solder together this little alarm kit.

You switch the button and an LED light would flash and it would go, me, me, me, me.

So I used it in these pranks. And I still have it around here somewhere, but it broke.

One of the wires. I could re-solder it if I needed to.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, right? I'll be right back in a few minutes.

Enjoy these pranks.

Madhouse 10-year anniversary.

Be right back.

After this.

Smoke some.

I'm breaking my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes.

It's a long way to test out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

There's a job here for a body shop helper.

It says call Tony.

We are unavailable to take your call.

Please leave a message.

Press 1 to play.

Message.

Press 2.

22.

Message.

1.

15 a.m sunday and i

spoofed the number is the the guy with the job offer so this would be quite confusing may i

speak with robert please i'm returning a number for mr robert roberto regarding a job this is

is tony oh no this is alberto what are you doing there buddy i'm doing good so how can i help you

how good are you with the car machines with yeah straightening the machine on that you know what

you got it man come on down to the shop when you want to start tomorrow monday through friday

i'm game where are you at come on down to the shop tomorrow bring uh your papers with you

and uh we'll we'll start okay all right thank uh 9 a.m 9 a.m uh you're not uh you can wear jeans

but we prefer to a collared shirt okay okay all right alberta we'll see you then like uh like

polo shirt yeah yeah that's fine all right give me an address all right we'll see you then thank

you alberta give me an address okay you got it now you got that 9 a.m 9 a.m where at the shop

it's in orlando you got it all right alberta we'll see you tomorrow 9 a.m hold on hold on

Okay.

Hello.

I'm looking forward to this.

Thank you very much.

It came down to between you and me.

We had a girl, Roberta, in Alberta.

I think we'd rather go with the guy.

Yes, I'm here.

Hello.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Come down to the shop, sir.

All right.

But tell me where the shop is.

I don't know where the shop is.

I hear the fire alarm is going off.

Hello.

There's a fire alarm going off.

Hang on.

Hello.

Okay, yeah.

Hello.

9 a.m.

You got it?

Tell me where the shop is.

I don't know where the shop is.

At the shop.

Is it downtown?

Downtown where?

We're here.

Give me an address.

There's a fire alarm.

Hang on.

I'm going to go outside so you can hear me, all right?

I need an address.

Okay, you ready?

You got to shop 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. tomorrow.

Three-button polo down shirt.

I need an address.

Okay.

I need an address.

Oh, you need an address.

You need the address.

Yeah, I need an address.

All right, it's 122.

122.

I'm sorry, we got a call.

They're doing a test on the fire alarm, and it keeps going off.

I hear it.

All right, it's 122.

All right.

Southwest.

Downtown.

town 22 all right we'll see you at 9 a.m you got it i didn't get that i didn't get the address we

got it i got you you got it we got it i i didn't get the address you oh come on i can't hear you

what is that noise no no uh let me call you back is this tony this is tony yeah let me call you

back because i'm getting some noise on the line is the fire alarms going off okay what's the

address again 122 what southwest on bed street i get that you know what forget it if you can't

write down directions to forget it's just not going to work out alberto oh you're playing with

me man good night good luck to you i'm gonna call roberto all right i thought i meant to call robert

i meant to call rob but not alberto i made a mistake come on man i gotta call robert i'm

calling robert no no no no forget it no no no no no this is not gonna work out no oh you're

playing me man why you why you call me to play with me i gotta go that's it i'm calling robert

No.

All right.

Good luck, man.

All right, you too.

Bye-bye.

That's a horrible thing.

Go with security.

Yeah, there's a problem in zone two, and people still haven't shown up over here.

I don't know if someone's got their keys locked in, and there's an intruder in zone number two.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Who are you?

Jesus Christ.

This is Destro.

I'm calling for status on zone two.

We've been paying you people on this contract for security.

You guys don't do jack.

This is the third time I'm calling in.

Look, there it is going off again.

What for what business?

What?

For what customer?

I need you guys to stop.

Do something about Zone 2.

Turn that alarm off.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Zone anything.

All right, now.

What customer are you?

Huh?

Who are you?

What business is it?

I'm with Valenti.

Or what customer?

Shut up.

I'm with Valenti and Associates.

I don't know.

This is Cobras Security.

Exactly.

And I don't know any Valenti and whatever.

Let me speak to the Baroness, please, because you people will look, you know, for the third

time, the zone alarm keeps going off in Zone 2.

This is Cobras Security.

Exactly.

Yes.

You guys are on contract.

You're in violation of contract, sir.

You're in violation of contract.

I'm a 60-year-old woman, and I don't know anything about Zone 2 or anything else.

Well, I'm going to speak to him.

You're in violation of the contract unless you do something about Zone 2 immediately, sir.

Whatever.

There it goes again.

Hello, sir.

In the middle of lighting my cigar, we got a voicemail, a legitimate voicemail here from those folks with the security company.

let's go and listen to that 53 seconds long let's take a listen to that everybody enjoy

told you they bite yes um my name is roman um i'm calling from the uh from the law uh the law

attorney office of michael douglas and um well uh my client um just uh received a prank phone call

um and she's been receiving this for months being harassed and i'm just uh calling to let

I want to let y'all know that if one more harassment comes through, I will be filing papers to press charges for phone harassment.

And I would like somebody to give me a call back.

I'm sure y'all have caller ID.

And I heard everything that you said to my client, and it was extremely rude.

And press charges will be pressed if one more phone call comes through.

Wait a minute.

So if I call, he wants me to call him back, but I'll press charge as he's a trap.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling for a status on Zone 2, please.

Okay, look, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

I was just talking to you, and you said you were a 60-year-old woman, so I apologize.

No, no, no, that was my mom.

I am the owner of the company.

I am sturdy.

My name is a deal.

You're under contract to come out here and secure Zone 2 immediately.

Katelyn, send your son or send yourself or your old sir and get over here and fix the problem.

Well, can you tell me where we're supposed to go?

Valente Associates.

Well, I don't know any Valente Associates.

Valente, you don't even know how to speak English, right?

Is there an American I can speak to, please?

Could you spell it to me, please?

Valente, V-A-L-E-N-T-E and ass, O-C-S.

I don't have a customer like that.

You're under contract.

It says right here, Kerber Security, my paper machine.

God damn it.

Let me speak to Desperate.

What is the address or phone number?

I don't know any customer.

Let me speak with the corporate commander, please.

There is no commander.

I'm the owner.

Can you put the corporate commander back on the line, please?

That was my son.

He's in the car with me, and he's mad because you're unreasonable.

He's a bad worker.

That's why.

We're not under any kind of contract with anybody at Valencia anything.

Valente and Associates.

Get my name right.

Valente.

It doesn't matter.

We don't have a customer like that.

You come out here, I'm calling the police.

Do what?

There it is again.

Someone else.

Okay, I don't understand.

Where are you located?

You.

Valentin Associates.

I know where I'm located.

Disgusting woman.

What do you want, sir?

I need you to get these Mexicans off of Zone 2 immediately.

Okay, where is Zone 2?

Zone 2 is on the second floor.

It's a secured room.

I don't have any buildings, sir.

I don't have any buildings that are customers.

What do you secure, whorehouses?

You know, I don't know who you are.

Get off my phone.

Get off my phone, old sir, right now.

Who called me?

I command you to hang up.

I'm going to call the police, and you know what?

I already called the police on you because you're in violation of contract.

That's all it is.

Oh, good.

Go for you.

There it is.

1-888-278-8509.

You know what?

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom.

you check the gps and you go straight down to the hell madhouse radio is back you are bigger than a

woman you are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a woman we'll always be

behind ever make you who you are

everybody hey uh carlito we've already dropped out on the call oh no it will already drop down

on the call hey uh milkman are you back yes i'm back my friend you're sounding great and thank

you for remembering to call me back who else left in this conference uh we got jim stewart we missed

this stewart yes mr stewart to me yes and jonathan is here and evil already dropped he's marked up as

i'm trying to see if i can get already back in here i don't know if he's busy or not but

Nice little group we have here.

It's so good to hear Lego, too, dude.

That was very refreshing.

Wasn't that great?

Artie's back.

Sorry about that.

It's okay, man.

Artie, Artie.

Farty, Artie's back.

Artie, Farty, Smartie, my buddy.

All right.

Here's a place called Johnny Land Hotline.

I have no idea what that means.

What the hell is that?

Let me try that.

Okay, you got it, buddy.

Hey, Jen Stewart, first call of the day from Jim.

Yeah!

Oh, put your pants down for Jim.

I have my R3 target in hand.

Already dropped again.

That would be a good call.

Already dropped again.

Hello?

Hello, Johnny?

Hi.

Hi, how you doing?

My name isn't Johnny.

Okay, that's okay.

I'm going to call you Johnny, okay?

Okay, I'm Jin.

I'm Jin Stewart, and Johnny, I was thinking about maybe we can get together sometime.

You know, I read your ad on Craigslist, and I'm just really, I'd like to get together, you know?

Maybe hold your hand and talk to you and say nice things about you and, you know, look into your eyes.

Oh, he's gone. He left.

Touch your lips.

He left. He left.

Don't worry, I'll call him back.

What?

We can touch him back.

He left, but we'll call him back.

Oh, fucking shit.

Fucking shit, right?

The person you're calling is busy at the moment.

Please try again later.

Man, come on, Johnny.

You might want to recall, he's already back.

Let's try him again.

Evil Ate

We have Globe

Machine Manufacturing

They are still open

Do you have any restaurants?

I can get you a restaurant in a sec

What kind of restaurant? Anything particular?

Indian

We're looking at Homestead, Florida

Let's see what we find

Restaurant Homestead, Florida

Let's see

Lazee's Cuisine

Casual Joint for Indian and

Pekka Stunny Eats

Yep

Alright, indeed, engage

Where is it? Can you give me the

pasty address?

Miami, Florida area, I'll get you it

That's busy, the line's busy, I'll try a different one

Here's Spice and Curry

Spice and Curry

What's the address?

Hang on, I'll post it right

I'm going to give it all to you

I have a little bit of an idea

Okay, got it, thanks

hello hello yeah this is mr stewart um i uh i seem to have lost my dog uh it's it's called

pookie i think it may have run into your restaurant uh may have run out the back

is there any chance you can have a little look for me yeah give me a second yeah it's pookie

hello hello hello yes say pookie pookie there's a find him please he's i think he's running to

your restaurant he might be hiding under the table you just have to shout to pookie i'm trying to

look outside here but i can't find him anywhere i'm gonna make my way to the restaurant but i

just can't find him do you think you can help me oh yeah but i think the dog is running can you

You just call it POOKEY!

I'll call back.

POOKEY!

Hello?

I've got an Indian grocery store.

If this doesn't pick up, I'll do it.

Oh, I see, yeah.

It is a grocery store, Spice and Curry.

You can actually see inside it in Google.

Fucking brilliant.

Copy-pasting the stuff for you now.

Alright, cool, awesome.

Hello? Hello?

hello yeah this is mr stewart um i i've lost my dog i'm outside uh on miller drive i'm just

looking around to try and find the dog um his name is pookie i think he may have run into your

into your establishment there could you please have a look okay hold on hold on just say say

the pookie pookie okay hold on okay no i don't see anything else here i think he's hiding he

He may be hiding under one of the groceries or something.

Just say, Pookie!

Okay, bye.

Hello!

Okay, bye.

Jin, I think you might not see him.

Now he's going to go put him on the menu for the evening.

Yeah, he's not there yet.

Oh, man.

I got you still, my friend.

I'll call him back.

You never know.

They may pick up again.

Pookie!

Pookie just got added to the menu for the evening.

Hello, what the fuck have you done with my dog, you cunt?

You put it where the sun don't shine, alright?

You cunt!

Where the sun don't shine? He's gonna be good, man.

You gotta harass this guy, then he'll flip.

Put it where the sun don't shine.

Don't be busy here, come on.

Let me try Spice and Curry again.

Okay.

I posted a number as well, Don's Motel.

Don's Motel?

Yeah, the guy's creepy as hell.

What does he do?

Hello?

I'm doing the grocery. Back to the grocery.

hello hello hello here's uh bombay darbar bombay darbar copy paste i have an idea

i have another idea using the same dog pokey's back

yes yes hello i i have a bit of a problem i uh i'm i'm outside looking for my dog

And I think he may have run into your establishment, and I'm wondering if you could just have a look.

He may be behind in the back. I can't go there.

So could you please have a look?

Dog.

Yeah, dog. His name is Pookie.

Say it to Pookie, and he may be responding because he may be outside in the back.

You know the back?

Are you looking for the bomb-eater bar?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Because I think he ran into the establishment and may have gone through to the back.

He may be hiding somewhere because he's scared.

It's a little puppy, you know, it's a puppy.

Oh, is he?

Yeah, he's quite small. Can you say the pookie? And then maybe he'll come.

Right, because we have a lot of spaces over here.

Yeah, but he may have shouted pookie, pookie, and maybe coming because I'm outside looking here and I can't find him.

Okay, sure. Let me have a look.

Yeah, yeah. Pookie? Pookie?

Does that mean something in Hindi?

No.

I don't know if he's calling for pussy or something.

How may I serve you?

yes yes hello what i'm looking for my dog or did your colleague or something transfer me

yes i'm looking for that yeah you found it thank you yeah no no we're looking for it

yeah you're looking where is it please where did you do to my dog getting an update every 10 seconds

coming up next we have the mint leaf indian brasserie brasserie brasserie right what's a

browser uh it's it's a restaurant that bronze yeah probably he's a service dog jen he's trained

to come whenever you call his name i don't think that i don't think they're gonna pick up all right

no problem we'll call mint leaf then okay buddy okay and this is another big component that we

kind of stole from jen and ted webb which is indian restaurants and such within so many

It's my specialty.

Can I help you?

Yes, yes.

What's your name?

You didn't ask me.

What's your name?

Who did you drive?

Yeah, no, I know who I call Bombay Dabba, but what's your name?

Why do you want to know my name?

Okay, well, my name is Mr. Stewart.

I was there yesterday.

I just want to know who I'm speaking with, please.

Mr. Stewart, my name is Mr. Sur.

Mr. Sur.

Okay, Mr. Sur.

I got a little problem there, you know.

I came in yesterday, and I had my dog with me, but I lost the dog.

And I think what happened was that somebody in your establishment there. They took the dog, you know

And I think now you're doing something to it. I think you're cooking it. Well, why don't you try the food today?

And you'll come to know where are you from Bangladesh?

Are you from Bangladesh? Do you speak Bengali? No, I don't ah, but if I say mother to do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, your mother key food to be yeah, you mother can't you understand your fucking mother?

You idiot. Why are you swearing at me? You son of a bitch?

Isn't sur a bad word in Bengali?

Yeah, sur is a pig, yeah.

I was wondering why he was saying that.

I'll call it back.

That was good.

All right, I got a saffron Indian restaurant here.

No worries.

You might want to hold on to that number.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's funny.

Please leave your message for 786.

All right, here comes the Ayesha Saffron Indian restaurant.

This is on an island off the coast of Miami Beach.

Wow.

oh yeah fancy this is all me from the beginning he didn't ask my name he's like hey dad just now

yes yes hello how are you i'm good excellent my name is mr stewart i'm uh i'm an investor i'm a

multi-billionaire and i'm coming there with my jet and my helicopter and i was wondering where

can i park everything and put in the boat want to make a reservation for 10 people

That's right.

Yes.

I don't like to be kept waiting.

Son of an out.

Oh, he hung up.

Oh, shit.

Maybe it was too much to start with.

Yeah, probably too much to start with.

Rice house of kebab.

Hello?

Yes?

Yes, I believe we got disconnected.

Who am I speaking with?

Sorry?

What's your name?

My name is Sadiq.

Okay, Sadiq.

Listen, I'm going to call you Jimmy because I don't like your name.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

All right, Jimmy, listen.

I'm coming over there.

I want to book a table for 10 people.

10 people? At what time?

Yeah, 10 people, Jimmy. It's going to be in five minutes.

Five minutes? Yeah, no problem. So you can walk in.

All right. I got a special request, though, OK?

I need all the waiters and waitresses to be butt naked. Do you understand?

No, I don't.

You, Ulu Kapata, you, why not?

Sorry?

I said Ulu Kapata. Do you know what that is?

No, man, I don't.

That's you. It is Madap Chud. Do you know what that one is?

Huh?

Madap Chud. Madap Chud.

What?

You're Chutia.

Chutia, man. Son of a bitch.

Why do you swear at me?

Huh?

I?

Who started with you?

You started it, you cunt.

I want you to get naked.

I'm coming over in five minutes.

You understand?

Yeah, no problem.

I'll see you.

Okay.

He's telling him to get ready.

Oh, dude.

I'm so happy we're getting this.

That was good.

I planned this.

The music is all planned out.

I wanted to do an Indian segment, and we went right into it perfectly.

I didn't even have to bring it up.

We just got into it.

All right, here's the Rice House of Kebab.

Let me try it.

I'll give you a break, Jen, unless you really want to do it.

No, I'm happy to do it.

Okay.

You can do it.

I can pull you in.

I'll pull you in.

Okay.

All right.

You got it.

Our Rice House of Kebab.

Not sure if they specifically have Indian food.

They may just be kebabs.

They copy-paste it.

They do have a menu online.

You can browse if you'd like.

I will check them out.

We're calling Rice on Alton Road, South Beach.

That'd be takeout or delivery?

No, this will be for takeout.

I'm on my way to you.

All right.

And you're going to be picking up from the South Beach location on Alton Road?

That's right, yes.

Yes.

Okay, what can I get for you?

Right, it's a pretty big order, so I need you to pay close attention.

Do you have a pen?

We have a computer in front of us, sir.

Oh, okay.

All right, so I'll have one mustu kaya.

One mustu kaya, okay.

One dolma.

One soup of the day.

Tomato soup or Mediterranean lentil soup?

You choose.

Sir, you have to tell me.

Okay, tomato soup.

One tomato soup, okay.

Yeah, let's go a little bit faster.

one hummus one signature garden salad one greek salad sir can you slow down please because i gotta

ask you if you need everything on the salad ah okay so you got the hummus i got the hummus so

you want one garden salad yeah one one one no i said one signature garden salad one greek salad

one shirazi salad you got that okay but now from the platters i want the uh the kubide platter the

juja platter the kenja platter the fish platter the shrimp platter from the vegetarians i want

the rice veggies the veggie melt wrap the veggie delight wrap the vegetarian grill the vegetarian

grill wrap the falafel platter the falafel wrap the falafel rice do you have all that

uh okay just give me one second please sir yeah yes yes everything that i have on my venue

Yeah, well, I haven't finished yet.

I'm only halfway.

So will you please pay attention and put this in in the order I tell you?

Do you understand?

Of course I do understand, sir.

Okay, good.

Let's go.

So now for the seafood.

Fish wrap, one fish rice, two fish salad, two shrimp rice, seven shrimp salad.

Okay, you got all that?

Yeah, of course.

I got them all, sir.

Tell me how many shrimp salad?

You want one shrimp salad?

No, you liar. I said seven. Pay attention, you idiot. If you get it wrong again, I'm going to come in and slap you in the mouth. Do you understand?

I'll call him back. Let me see if he picks up.

Oh, shit. Did he hang up?

Yeah, he did. I'll turn him in.

Oh, shit.

For Colin Rice?

Yes. Hello. I believe I got disconnected. I was in the middle of placing an order.

No, sir. You're not getting disconnected, and I cannot take your order if you talk to me this way.

Okay. I need you to do it properly, though. If you can't do it properly, you need a colleague or somebody else to do it.

Okay. All right. You're ordering everything on my menu. Okay. Yes. All right. When you come in here, can you place the order for me? I don't, I'm not ordering everything on your menu. What are you talking about? I'm only ordering some of the things on the menu. You haven't, I haven't even finished. I was only halfway and you, you start, you hung up. Okay. What kind of, what kind of attitude is that? That's not businesslike. If you want to make money, how can you make a customer if you just hang it up? You've been disrespectful with me. No, you are being not paying attention. You are being unprofessional.

Sir, you're calling...

No, I'm very professional, sir.

No, you're not.

You're not.

I'm sorry, I can't take your order,

and I'm refusing to serve you.

You son of a bitch.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, he's not one that's going to pop.

No, he's not.

Some people can keep a cool head,

but I don't think this was Indian.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know what he was.

Maybe he was not Bengali.

It's Greek.

It looks Greek.

Greek, like Turkish, probably, I'm thinking.

Oh, maybe, I don't know, something like that.

Yeah, because they have hummus, so I don't know.

Mediterranean, maybe, or Greek, Greek, yeah.

could have said malacca maybe you see me responding um real quick i'm gonna call the

fountain blue miami beach hotel um i have my last name taken out um on gmail.com i got that really

a long time ago as an early adopter um and uh um i was able to sometimes receive emails from

other people with my last name who keep using you'd be surprised how many people like oh yeah

that's my email so i get registration emails and and mice i had myspace access for some ladies

access for some ladies myspace page because she used my email address it was crazy i never did

anything bad with it but one lady in particular was putting it on her business cards and it was

really starting to piss me off and then she left her business card with her teacher with the teacher

of one of her daughters and uh i got signed up on this weekly email for the class the school

and stuff so they were they made an announcement that oh the fountain blue hotel famous fountain

blue hotel it's one of the more famous ones in miami beach um especially in the 80s the whole

cocaine cowboys thing oh they uh some of those guys were based out of the fountain blue hotel

uh these days you hear it mentioned a lot in rap songs by rick ross and stuff like that but it's

one of the hallmarks well it's separate celebrated i think 40 50 years um a few months ago one of

of the assignments was uh yeah take your kid to the fountain blue and take a picture of some kind

of architectural thing of it so i replied back to the entire thread i went down there and i took a

shit in the pool and it got shut down and i i got so many emails back like you're disgusting like

how dare you say that anyway so i'm going to call the fountain blue hotel and ask about shitting in

the pool that was a long story about nothing it was well maybe you can tell her we want to

shit in the pool together yeah hi i was had a question is the pool working yet or because

Because someone, I was there, and Rick Ross took a big shit in the pool.

Yes, the pool was working, yes.

Yeah, but this guy named Rick Ross was down there, and he took a big shit in the pool.

He had an accident.

And you guys were going to shut down the pool today, I guess?

Let me get someone.

I'm going to connect you to the pool area.

Shut down.

No one shuts down a pool on Carlito.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

In the meantime, I lost Milkman.

He's going to be mad.

And we lost Evil Arty, too.

Oh, shit. Really?

Come on, Evil Arty.

He keeps dropping out. He's probably having trouble.

He's got some weird internet set up over there.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a cheese boy for you.

He's a big cheese boy.

Dude, that was fun, dude, calling Pete Smith

cheese boy today. I had fun with that.

Thanks for bringing that up.

We got about another half hour before we transition

into the PC reunion stage.

We still got a little bit more time.

That's going to start at 7 o'clock

But I do transition into that a little earlier

Well fuck it we're going to go for like another hour

Then I'll take our

I'll cut this part off and we'll start part number 3

The PC reunion

Again Lego's going to try to show up

But we will have KDK and Zolar on as well

KDK

Ted Webb

Dude I tried to get Ted to come on early

But he's busy with work

He said he wanted to be on with you Jen at this time

But he could not make it

That's okay

kid that's a kid i know i know honey baby it's over i don't think i'm sometimes i'll be around

as well you will or you won't i will you will okay well actually i might have to cut cut you

for at least that part just because it's i'm trying to keep as little people as possible

um for bandwidth purposes during that part but at the end and the free-for-all i'll add you back in

man i'll add you back in i need to pick a new city and state for an indian restaurant any ideas how

How about Chicago?

Chicago sounds good.

I say Chicago all the time.

What city is in Chicago?

Well, Illinois is a state.

Chicago is a city.

Ah, right.

Sorry.

It's okay.

So I know.

You're ignorant.

It's okay.

Yeah, I'm fucking stupid.

Yeah.

Okay.

I got the cumin, also known as the cumin.

Let's call them.

Man, they love naming things after spices, those Indians, don't they?

Yeah, yeah.

They're so weird, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have a little idea now.

Okay.

A little itty-bitty idea.

You're going to make it grow with ice.

with ice and water and soil.

Carlito, you go out and send me that

fax machine.

That fax machine?

You got it, man.

That was funny. I couldn't find it in the podcast.

Oh, that's weird.

Let me restart my call software.

It's acting a little funky.

Josh DeShackett. After this one here,

we're going to do another one of these

best of pranks, and we will

continue with the show.

I want to make sure I don't fall behind on those.

My ankle's hurting me today.

and my healing ankle is sore, a little sore.

I walked a lot on it today.

You should take some morphine.

No, no, I got the other stuff.

I got the Percocets, whatever you guys call them.

It's weird how meds have different names

between countries, you know?

Like in Canada, there's some stuff

that we don't even call it.

Yeah, but they're not the generic names.

The generic names are the same everywhere.

The actual drug name, it's just the company that makes it.

Ah, okay.

There's Artie right there.

Artie!

I went to the Jimmy John's machine.

Oh, good bread, man.

Good bread.

I got the gargantuan.

I'm sorry.

The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Please try your call again later.

I think that was Milkman's line.

Oh.

All right.

Let me do one thing at a time, Carly.

Let me call Milkman first, and then we'll do Indian calls.

All right.

Milkman first.

I'm sorry.

The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

All right.

He's down completely.

He's on the phone.

All right.

So let's call a different Indian place then.

Common did not work.

Here is the Indian Garden Restaurant.

restaurant yeah yeah hello hello how are you good good yeah i'm i'm good too thanks for asking

my name is mr stewart i i heard that your restaurant establishment there was really

good somebody said it was amazing my friends were there and they all said it was fantastic

best experience they've ever had in their lives and these are people that jump out of airplanes

so do you know your your place must be really good yeah that's that's a good place is it

Yeah, it's a fantastic place.

Good, alright. So, can you tell me a little bit about the kind of food that you're serving there?

Can you give me an example of the best dish? See, I'm not very familiar with that kind of stuff.

So, if you can recommend something to me, maybe?

Yeah, you're going to come here to look at a fantastic place.

Why are you talking funny?

I mean, fantastic place you have to come here to look at.

But you talk like an idiot. Why are you talking like that?

You're fucking stupid or something.

Hello?

Hello? Hello, yeah?

Yeah, what else did you say?

What? Okay.

What's that noise? Like a weird whistle? Making tea?

Who the fuck knows what he's doing?

After this, we got the essence of India. Yeah.

Maybe the voice is too much. I don't know.

I'm wondering, like, I want to try and start it off normal.

All right. We can try essence of India from scratch.

Yeah, let's try it.

if the thing

there's never a

shortage of Indian

restaurants

no

my god

there's so many

of them

alright

well uh

here we go

gotta keep reminding

myself to call

milkman back

we'll keep him

on hold

while we

tell this one

sometimes they

both get on

it's funny

oh yes

hello

uh

I'd uh

like to

inquire

actually I'd

like to make

an order

firstly

uh

for collection

yes yes

collection

yes

yeah we're

gonna pick it

up

yeah yeah

I'm coming

to pick it up okay one moment okay let me have your phone number please yeah it's on the caller

display it's a new phone so i'm afraid i don't know it but listen you can take it's a small order

and then you can make it in our comment i i don't get it you said small order and you will come and

get it yeah yeah that's exactly right my friends told me can i have your phone number please is it

true i'm sorry we are cutting off yeah i don't know why you're cutting off there's something

wrong with your phone listen I would like two eggs and a slice of toast okay

we don't do this to legs and toes this is Indian restaurant so yeah they don't

have a chicken I'm sorry you don't have any eggs in India no what the fuck why

not okay you're playing games with me are you serious slice of toast and two

Two eggs, you cunt. Make it for me.

Why would he do it?

What's so wrong with that?

No eggs in India. How stupid is that?

As-a-zo India?

Yes, hello?

Hello, yes?

Yes, I believe I got disconnected.

Okay.

How can I help you?

I want to have...

What?

How can I help you?

Yeah, I want to make an order, please.

Yes, go ahead. What is your order?

I want... First of all, I want your phone number.

Yeah, you can take the phone number and put it up your ass.

I want to make the order first.

Fuck you, okay?

Fuck your mother.

Don't you dare call here again.

You can't.

Okay, I'll report you somewhere.

I'll report you.

Your phone, cell phone will be totally dead then.

Yeah, your cell phone will be dead.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Oh, God.

I think you should call him again.

Yeah, I will.

Definitely.

Some people have a phone that just rings really loudly and they just have to answer it.

Hello?

Hello? Hey, the place still has us on hold.

Put us on permahold.

Hi, you have reached Ascens of India.

Our hours are...

Casino?

No, sir.

Let's try one.

This is Garib Nawaz.

This is a name.

I don't know if you know, but I'm a gambler.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, hello. I have a problem.

I left my flip-flop there, you know?

Flip-flop where?

Yeah, flip-flop there.

What time you were here?

Yeah.

Time I was there, I think 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock.

I came in, I came in, I was wearing two flip-flops.

When I left, I was wearing only one.

I think I lost the other one.

Can you please, did you eat it?

Let me check which table you are sitting.

You eat here?

Yes, I ate there.

I didn't see any mask.

Why not?

What have you done with my flip-flop, you idiot?

What should I do?

Yeah, what you did with it?

Did you put it in your backside?

side yeah no but why should i well i think that's something you might do would you like that to put

a flip-flop in the back no would you why not one second let me check yeah let yeah you check is

she checking in the back back side i don't know what's happening there you know i think she's

doing it from the back hello hello yes yeah what happened i didn't see any why what did you do with

it what should i do you took it away you stole it i'm gonna tell the police that you stole it

my flip-flop and you put it in in your in your bum in your ass you know your ass

that was good oh man you haven't brought up the last show we did you were talking about

pushing phones up your ass yeah that was fucking great you needed that flip-flop might be better

yeah this is milkman it's a funny word this is not this milkman called the india palace

nice hello hello oh you're not milkman hey how you doing i'd like to make an order one minute

okay one minute hold

hello yeah i'm trying to make an order okay what do you need sir uh yeah one chicken tikka

One chicken tikka? Masala?

One chicken tikka, okay.

Yeah, with shit in it?

Huh?

With, no, I don't want any shit in it.

One chicken tikka, anything else? Paratha, chapati, naan?

Yeah, I just, can I have garlic naan?

No, garlic naan, regular naan.

Yeah, okay, regular naan, alright.

And one pilau rice?

Pilau rice, I don't know. I have chicken biryani, lamb biryani.

Stupid.

Only chicken.

Stupid.

One chicken, okay, one lamb biryani?

One lamb biryani.

Yeah, and I don't want you to take a shit and then not wash your hands and make the food, you know?

Okay.

I don't want you to piss in the food either.

I don't want you to put your pee in there.

No pee-pee, okay?

Okay.

All right, are Indian people going to make my food?

Are they going to make it?

Yeah, Indian people will make it.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Okay.

Yeah, can you have them wear gloves the whole time?

This one is Garibandau, West, Deva, and Sili.

You know, downtown, you...

Shut up.

Yeah, yes.

Shut up, please. I don't know what you're saying. What?

This one is Garibanna Was.

Uh-huh.

See, D1, West, D1, Philly, this one.

Yeah, Pape Pippo.

Oh.

Yeah, you thinking downtown is harder after I know.

I don't know.

This one downtown, no, this one is location is D1, okay?

That's the one I want. You have the right one. I have the right one.

Okay, you're welcome. Five minutes.

Huh?

Five minutes after coming.

After coming, then what happened?

Five minutes.

Yeah, but you don't have my...

I haven't given you everything that I want yet.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I would like a madarchod, please.

What did he say, you?

Madarchod?

Shut up.

Bring mother.

Mother...

Let's tell all you.

Bring mother for me to chod.

Shut up.

Shut up, you.

Raghu.

Oh, boy.

All right, so let's try to call Milkman again.

Let's do this right.

Shut up, you.

Shut up.

This restaurant you sent me a second ago,

isn't it in your palace?

Yeah, this is the one I'm oh, well, this is the one I'm gonna call after it. It's got fucking it's perfect

Cuz they've got pictures of the restaurant in the thing. So it's a really good idea

Hey, you're back. Yeah, I'm trying to call you

I got yeah. Are you can you talk or your business still? Oh, well, I think

Yeah, I was calling you back when did I miss somewhere what happened? Oh, no, we just been doing some Indian calls

That's all I got you back. You didn't miss much

uh okay yeah jen started calling that's why i was calling urgently man i want to want to

miss jen's house yeah he's here we're gonna oh jen we're calling india palace now jen did you

want that one yes yes yes okay okay thank you for getting me back we're calling india palace

restaurant may i help you yes hello this is mr stewart speaking i had a reservation actually i

was there yesterday evening uh with a few friends of mine we were sitting you know um where the

The plant thingy is next to the, you know, this thing in the middle,

and I was sitting next to the middle table, you know?

Yes, and what happened, I think I left a flip-flop behind.

Can you have a look and see if anybody found it?

What is a flip-flop?

No, it's a sandal. It's a type of shoe.

One second, sir. I'm good.

Yes, yes.

How many people were you with?

We were two people.

Two people. Okay. Give me a second.

Yes, to turn my voice down.

Put your seatbelt on, seatbelt, seatbelt on.

Yeah.

That was interesting.

He must be looking for my flip-flops.

Looks like it happens all the time.

Oh, yeah, we got flip-flops all the time.

No, sir, we didn't find anything.

Oh, that's interesting.

But I'm absolutely sure that I left it there.

Did you check under the table?

Table we already cleaned, but we didn't see anything.

How was it?

It was shaped like a horse,

because it's a special sandal made from the horse's leather and of course it's

very comfortable and very nice but it's a small black black and brown yes I'm

gonna lay the bomb on him in a second he's actually looking he's gonna be so

pissed we find that no sir we didn't see any but give me your name and phone

number so if we actually know it it's okay actually I pulled it from your

mother's ass i found it it was up your mother's ass sorry yeah your mother gave it to me she

shat it from her backside i found it inside your mother you know mother mad for ma oh you're joking

i see yes i sent you all the way around the restaurant and you had a look didn't you you

idiot why did you look did you look on the chair may i have your good name sir yeah mr stewart

stewart okay yes could you have another look please i already did it sir i didn't find anything yeah

Yeah, I know. That's because it doesn't exist.

But I want you to go and have a walk around the restaurant anyway,

pointlessly, and then come back to me.

Can you do that?

No, I cannot, sir, because you are saying something different story.

I got it, you know.

Yes, I know. But why can't you do it?

You're a stupid idiot.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

Why are you so calm?

Because you are, you know, you are giving us blessing stories.

Yes, blessing stories.

Thank you very much, sir.

Yeah, you're most welcome.

Have a nice evening.

You too.

Yes, bye.

God bless you.

God bless your mother.

You too.

You son of an owl.

You too.

And same thing to your family, sir.

Ulu kapata.

Oh, I got it now, huh?

Ah, ulu kapata hai.

Oh, very good.

Very good, sir.

Nice language.

You have a good education.

Huh?

Where are you from?

That describes your education, sir.

Yes, it's a very good education.

Nice education.

Nice graduation, sir.

Thank you.

Yes?

Graduation?

graduation he said i don't know fucking he held it together pretty good though most people would

have flipped out yeah he did uh let me try one this is the rasoi indian veggie delight i'm gonna

ask for meat oh you remember those bengali guys we called it euro hotel i've got the number if

this doesn't work your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system seven zero

Did you paste it yet?

Yep.

All right, so this is the Euro Hotel, okay.

Do I remember this?

When was this?

They got really pissed off the other day.

Okay.

On my show or a conference?

I think, I don't know.

Probably my show.

We'll find out.

Oh, that's right.

You did a show last Sunday.

Well, yeah, when you didn't do one.

Yeah.

Now I see him doing it again.

I learned this.

This is 011 and then the country code 44 and then the number without the four.

Boom.

Success.

Hello, mate.

Hello.

Hello, I was in the lobby earlier and I think I left my keys there. I think I lost my key.

Lobby and you left your keys, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I was meeting a friend there, Mr. McGuire, and I was just sat down, just waiting for him.

I think I lost the key. Do you mind having a look, please?

Hello?

Hello? Hello, yeah? Can you hear me?

Oh, man.

Motherfucker, what the hell was that?

Motherfucking shit. I'll try him back. Don't worry, Jim.

After this, we've got to catch up on our best ofs.

I'm going to play one of those real quick.

In about 30 minutes, we're going to finish off this section of the show

and move on to the PC reunion of the show.

Yeah, Artie, you're going to come back later for the 9 p.m. free-for-all.

You're welcome.

The big machine.

Hell yeah.

I'll be back in time for that.

Hell yeah.

Hello, namaskar, namaskar.

Excuse me?

Namaskar, do you speak Bengali?

No, sorry.

Can I speak to the Bengali, please?

No, sir, he's on break.

You can call back after half an hour.

Oh, you asshole, you cunt.

Hello?

Yeah, he's...

All right, so real quick, all right.

It's not going for you.

Yeah, we weren't able to get a hold of Hollywood Vanya,

and I wasn't able, didn't have enough time

to put together a lot of Hollywood Vanya stuff.

I forgot about Vanya.

He was a cool guy, great master of voices.

He came up around the time...

Vanya was great, man.

I'm really sorry you couldn't join us, man.

I'm glad you got something, though.

Yeah, around this town that we're talking about, Vanya was around.

Now, this in particular was great.

He helped me out with this.

This is when the Madhouse got raided, if you remember.

I called the crisis, anger crisis management line.

Absolutely.

He was an integral help there.

Yeah, so I never understood how I could get in trouble for calling an anger crisis hotline and being angry.

But she got us in trouble for it.

So many, this is, when did this happen?

2007, I think?

2008.

eight so this is about six years ago but from this like eight or nine yeah but from this uh

brad found this is how brad found out about me when he saw the rumor all the stories about this

happening and and all that but here we're gonna play it now these are the anger management

hollywood volume took the last call on this one um i even got a voicemail here that i played back

that came from this lady i'll be right back after this plays thank you crisis line may help you how

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How can I help you?

I'm good.

Do you folks offer solutions or do you just offer referrals?

We offer referrals, but we don't.

We can't really offer.

I hear it.

It sounds like there's children.

It sounds like there's children in the background.

What kind of place is this?

Sir, can I help you?

Are there children in the background?

Sir, I'm in an office and I'm watching the TV, so that's really not the relevance.

Can I help you with anything?

I don't think so.

Are you one of those answering services where you answer from home and you're taking my information

and there's children around looking at the information?

I heard a baby in the back of your door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crap is what does it to me.

People like you bring those stupid kids to my job.

In crisis time, may I help you?

You tell those motherfuckers in the fucking background to shut the fuck up and take down my information.

I'm the person.

I am.

Why don't you call me a motherfucker?

You motherfucker.

That's terrible.

You do not call this line and talk like that.

As a matter of fact, don't call back again.

You piece of trash.

I've got your phone number.

I've got your number.

I've got two numbers that you just called from.

I'm going to report them to the police.

I'm blocking my number.

You don't have my number.

I'm blocking it, you stupid bitch.

I'm blocking it.

Yes, I do.

I've got two of them.

I have two of them.

Bullshit.

You called from one the first time and one from another.

You don't have shit.

No, you don't.

I'm blocking my number.

I'm going to call you back right now.

I'm going to have you fired.

I just want to confirm that this is a number that called, placed a call, a violent call

to a hotline earlier, and we will be looking up the phone number, and we will further

further investigate thank you bye-bye oh no violent call she said she's confirming it's

the number the love the violent call i'm sorry this is it let me i said this is an emergency

line and it doesn't that doesn't matter you and i can't spend a lot of time discussing back and

forth all i can say is i received a hostile call and i reported it and that's all i did and that's

my responsibility giving a hostile call too ma'am no i i didn't i just left a voicemail letting you

guys know that i did that and i needed to let you know that i reported the phone number i don't

know where the organization is i don't know what your business is i don't know any of that i just

know that that's where i received the call from you when i was letting you know we run a strip

club i'm sorry no we run a strip club and there's not hardly any people in here that are hostile

until they get really really drunk but it was a male's voice it was the same male that answered

your that answered your voicemail so that's an answering service it's just a little weird that

you're answering service the person who it literally was the same voice very strange and

And I received, yeah, it is.

But the most strangest part is that I received the hostile call from somebody from this phone number.

And he was extremely hostile.

I mean extremely.

Very verbally abusive.

He cursed.

He called me a lot of names.

This is an emergency helpline.

I'm sorry?

What exactly did he say?

Ma'am, I don't talk like that, so I'm not going to say what he said.

I need to know so I can write this down so I can get in touch with us.

He called me a mother effer.

He called me a B-word.

Don't use that word on me, ma'am.

How dare you?

I said abbreviate.

I did say mother effer.

Don't use those words on me, ma'am.

Okay, ma'am, I'm sorry, but I think you, I did not use it.

You're so wrong.

I think you're trying to play it.

You could have said MF.

No.

Bye-bye now, ma'am.

You could have said MF.

I think you're just, I'm going to call and report you now.

There's no reason.

Now I'm calling to report you.

I'm going to report you now that there's a female calling.

Yes, because you were doing the same thing.

Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye.

I'll stare you.

She didn't know that was a fake.

She had the most incredible girl voice, too, man.

Rivaling with Delia Zolars.

Yeah, Summer Big Johnson was a great female voice back in the day, definitely.

All right, well, here we are, continuing on.

we got a little bit left here until i take that brisake um i'll be finishing on that break

you're finishing okay this is late and i can't get up early yeah you got work thanks for being

on man we had a lot of fun well we still got some more time uh i'm gonna keep calling indian

because i just feel like a india house restaurant i'm gonna mix it up i'm gonna ask them for some

food with heat see how they handle it i haven't done that yet i don't think lies i probably have

Get out of here.

I recycle all my ideas.

Hey, I'm a choo-choo train.

I wanted to make an order for pickup.

Can I have your telephone number, sir?

Yeah, my good number is 606-2015.

847?

Yes.

847-606-2015.

And your name, sir?

My name is Train.

Train?

Mm-hmm.

What would you like to get, sir?

All right, can I have one chicken?

What kind of chicken?

Chicken, cooked chicken.

You want with sauce or with heat?

Just dry.

With heat.

Pardon?

Heat. Cook it with heat.

Cooking with heat?

Mm-hmm.

What is that?

You put heat on the chicken, and it gets warm, and it cooks the meat.

You don't want any sauce with that?

I like it like that, fully cooked, no blood or pink in the inside.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Uh-huh. What else?

I like one breads.

One naan, okay.

Uh-huh. Okay. One chud. One chud.

Hey, who is this?

One ban chud.

Hey, you want me to call the police?

Why?

Huh?

Why?

You don't know how to talk, man?

But I'm making an order.

One chicken and one bancho.

No, we don't have, okay?

Don't call here anymore.

Otherwise, I will call the police.

You have sister?

No.

Hey, what?

We don't have a call the police.

So is Chud just fuck then?

Bancho would be mother?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Chud is a fuck.

My name is fuck.

Good evening in your house, Buffalo, bro.

Yeah, I'm making that order.

You out?

Yeah.

Give me one second.

Let me put you on hold for a second.

Okay.

monkey offers a variety of items that was so fucking brilliant dude dude on the train it's

difficult when they ask you for the number because you don't know what to say i know

yeah hey honey baby hey again you called here man to make an order i want one bunch one sister

no order for you man sister one sister okay bye bring sister okay bye okay bye

I checked in the podcast

and the prank

I couldn't find that

that facts prank anywhere

no it's not

I pulled that right off of an episode

I'd have to see which episode it was exactly

I think it was a 2008 episode

to be honest with you, I'll have to see

but yeah

it was one of those

it's there somewhere

here is the Sean restaurant

I want an order of some of Jonathan's cookies, man. They're the best.

He never got you those cookies. They were always on the way.

I want to order some of Jonathan's cookies.

Go ahead, Jimmy. You can if you want.

Hi, Sean Foods.

Yes, hello.

Can I help you?

Yes, how are you?

Good, how are you?

I'm excellent, actually. I wanted to compliment the chef. Can I talk to the chef?

He's not in at this moment.

Oh, who's cooking then?

Can I take a message for him?

Sorry?

Can I take a message?

Yeah, yeah.

You can tell him, actually, I thought his food was just unreal.

It came out of a different world.

I thought it was, you know, something else completely.

Oh, okay.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

But actually, I was wondering, maybe I can come in and, you know, just cook with him.

Yeah.

I mean, you can ask him.

You can call him during the day and ask him.

Do you think maybe I can come in and work with you?

uh i'm not the one who's gonna you know decide yeah but would you mind like me and you we could

walk around and be like do you do the waiting there you're the waiter no i'm not the waiter

i'm the cashier oh yeah the cashier what's your name my name is wasim wasim wasim wasim well wasim

did your parents call you wasim yes they called me i think your mother called you that didn't she

what's your parent called you sir mr stewart stewart mr stewart yeah mr stewart all right

to it uh let me uh tell the chef and i'll look wasim wasim i was in pakistan for you know 10

years and in pakistan i ate you know lots of good food and everything and actually wasim

are you from pakistan yes i am where where in pakistan i'm from lahore ah okay yeah that is

where your mother lives right yes yeah actually i met your mother and nine months before you were

were born actually and uh you know what happened i'm your father too you son of an hour i fucked

your mother when you were not even born motherfucker you're such a liar you're a liar

why do you say fuck to me you son of a bitch he's gone yeah uh he uh he didn't know he knew

exactly what nine months we can get him again yeah that magical month number of nine look google

phone i don't need you shut up fucking google phone wait yes mr motherfucker yeah well see

What the fuck do you want from me?

Hey, asshole.

You're calling in the wrong place, you motherfucker.

If you want to come, contact me on my Facebook.

Okay?

Yeah, fuck you.

My goodness.

Yes, Mr. Motherfucker.

What?

All right, whatever.

Oh, man, I'm loving this Indian segment we got going on.

Here, let's listen to this before I call Chow Patti.

Hello.

Are you our daily friend?

Yes.

Unmanned from phone number 770021.

Yeah, I know.

This is $50,000.

Thank you.

Good luck.

All right, here we go.

Chow Pati.

I think they're Indian.

Let me do something.

I've gone on a date.

Chow Pati, Matthew.

Yes, hello.

How are you?

Good, and you?

Yeah, yeah, good.

Excellent, actually.

My friend and I were at the restaurant.

My friend is here with me, and we want to compliment you

uh by by uh coming in there the two of us and we want to you know bend you over the table and slap

you okay give me one second okay hi how can i help you hello how are you i'm fine and you

i'm okay what's your name who's calling this is mr stewart who is speaking and and how can i help

you mr stewart what's your name how can i help you mr stewart i would like to know who i'm speaking

speaking with, please? Nianta. Nianta, I wanted to make a complaint, actually, because there was

a vile smell when I was there yesterday. Actually, I think, are you the lady that, are you the

manager? Okay, how can I help you? Go ahead. Are you the manager there? Mm-hmm. I think yesterday,

you were there yesterday, right? Yes. And I think I saw you take a shit in the middle of the big

table. You went and you stood on it, and you pooped right into the center of the table, and

and it stunk throughout the entire restaurant.

The smell was disgusting.

How did I think?

Why did you do that?

Huh?

Some people lose their cool.

Calling again.

Same lady.

Yeah, same lady.

You want me to report you to the police?

Yes, I want you to tell me why the hell you did what you did.

You better believe I am going to, okay?

You asshole.

Shut up, you idiot.

Hello?

Call it back.

How dare you?

All right, well, we'll do it.

You got it, Jonathan.

Jonathan's the boss.

She needs it, man.

She's going to get pissed.

She's already pissed.

I've got to catch up on these best ofs.

We've got another one here I'm excited about.

It has to do with Miss Dial Numbers.

Come on, come on.

I might take off after this.

Okay, okay.

Hello, thank you for calling Chopati.

I was just saying that.

You've got to go, Jen.

That's fine.

Yeah, man, 10-year anniversary.

Yeah, thanks for being on, man.

Thanks for helping us out.

It's a pleasure, it's a pleasure.

Yeah, man, I'll catch you again soon.

Have some good fun.

Yeah, it's good hearing you.

Did I come in at the right segment?

You did, yeah, you did.

I had you down for this time.

You came in perfect.

Yeah, we had a lot of fun, Jen.

I was just hoping to get you and Ted together, but he couldn't make it.

Yeah, we could have done a Jack and Jen.

That would have been great.

Well, some other time.

We'll get it.

Yeah, no problem.

Thanks a lot for having me, and good bye to everybody else.

Live, man.

See you.

Bye.

Jen, sir, thank you so much, man.

I love you, dude.

I'm one of your greatest.

Thank you so much for honoring me.

It's been a real, real great time, man.

Thank you, brother.

Bye, Jen.

Bye.

Later, Jen.

Jago 2000.

This is the greatest thing.

Listen, real quick, let's play this.

This is Los Angeles.

We were talking earlier, Milkman, about how the art of prank calls

and how sometimes even the wrong number leads to something even better

than what you would have gotten had we dialed the right number.

And this is another case of that.

I called the place first saying that I lost my wallet in some kind of store

that specialized in socks and stockings.

And I misdialed on the callback.

And this is something that doesn't happen much anymore

because we're copy-pasting and just hitting redial on Skype and such.

Yeah, but back in the day when I was still using a handset,

there was a big chance it could be a missed call

and a lot of missed opportunities now maybe from that.

Here's an example of a missed call that turned hilarious.

This is called This Is Los Angeles.

Just a minute.

I left my freaking wallet there, and now you people...

What are you talking about?

I left my freaking wallet there, and you people don't want to give it back.

Who the fuck is this?

This is Valente.

He took my wallet.

I left it there.

You don't want to give it back.

When I get through, I'm going to make a lawsuit on you, buddy.

okay hey hey hey you just reached a residential place so who the fuck are you trying to call

bullshit two minutes ago i was talking to you saying you said oh yeah girl come in come in

and get your wallet and he said bro bro send me to the wrong house man this is a fucking house

you're a fucking no no no hold on hold on who the fuck is this bro you fucking little shit don't

you fucking talk to me like that you little you where are you where are you i'm gonna fucking

fuck you up dude where are you fuck you you fucking shit give me my wallet back you asshole

No, no, I don't give a fuck about your wallet, bro.

I'm telling you, you got the fucking wrong number.

Get your shit straight, bro.

You want to meet me somewhere?

Yeah, you want to fight?

You want to have a fight?

Bro, where are you going to be at?

Where are you going to be at, bitch?

Well, you tell me where, you know, and I'll show up.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Fuck this motherfucker up, man.

I'm telling you, you got the wrong fucking number.

This is a house.

Who the fuck are you trying to reach?

You fucking monkey, stupid, dirty shit.

You know what?

Hey, hey, hey.

Let me talk to him.

Hold on, hold on, fuck this guy.

Hey, hey, where are you going to be at, dude?

I'm going to kick your ass so good, I'm going to laugh.

I'll give you your wallet, I'll shove it up your ass, dude.

Where are you?

Is that your girl that I was talking to?

I'm telling you, man, this is a fucking house.

Who the fuck are you trying to reach?

When I beat you up, I'm going to do your girl in front of you.

You know what, you know what, I'm going to fuck you up first, bitch.

Do you have mother?

Tell me where you are, tell me where you are, man, I'm going to meet you over there.

How many fathers do you have?

Give me the fucking phone.

Give her the phone, I want to talk to your girl.

You know what?

Go fuck your mother, bitch, all right?

I'm going to kick your ass.

It's me.

Nah, I'm going to fight.

Grant's it.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, that's great.

I wish we could have put the rest out with the woman on there.

She really is funny when she starts discussing.

We'll call her ID.

Where is your area?

Dude, I'm blocking my phone number.

Don't even go there.

You don't have shit.

Dude, 409-

It's not mine for years.

It's not my phone number.

Well, either way, dude, this is a fucking house,

and wherever your fucking wallet is we're letting you know you got the fucking wrong number the

cops all the cops all right we got your number all the cops listen buddy this is a fucking house i

don't know where the fuck you left your wallet but this is a fucking house and i don't appreciate

this kind of phone call i'm gonna give you the biggest slap right across the face and i'm knocking

right out of your mouth you know what you try it try it buddy give me you know if you're tracing

my number i dare you to call back i dare you i dare you not with this you know what you can

You dare all you want, but what the fuck do you want, bitch?

You're harassing us.

Are you Mexican?

You sound Mexican.

You sound like Mexican.

What does that got to do with anything?

Am I trying to fucking make friends with you, bitch?

You sound like...

Why the fuck are you harassing us?

You're being mad.

Oh, my God.

You're being mad.

You just don't know...

Oh, my God.

This is Los Angeles.

Where the fuck is this?

Hold on.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Please don't tell my mom that I was calling.

Hello?

Please don't tell my mom that I was calling.

Who is this?

This is Valente.

So please don't tell my mom I was calling.

Mr. Gomes.

I see that Emmy Rose is in here.

Emmy is here?

Yep.

Good.

I heard you love your kid, man.

Yeah.

Good, good.

That's fine.

Real quick, before we continue, I have one more prank call to play here from this era

so we can knock it out.

Do you guys remember Yellow Neck's Tales?

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to have one.

You used to have one?

Yeah, I used to have one, too, for work.

A yellow nextel.

It used to be a thing where, you know, you'd get shit, you know, because you'd always have yellow nextels.

Your yellow nextel would always be going off when you're off at work.

I used to hate my yellow nextel because it meant that I had to work or something.

You know, I actually had to do extra work, and I didn't like doing work and stuff.

Anyway, I'm babbling.

Here's yellow nextels.

Actually, no, I've got to take a break.

I've got to end this segment, actually.

What time is it?

624?

Yeah, I'm behind.

I'm going to end this segment.

I'm sorry.

Never mind, never mind, never mind.

We'll get to this when I come back, but I do have to take a break right now.

Scheduled break because I have to stay on time.

Thanks for joining, Jonathan.

Do you want to say hi and thank you to all your fans and listeners back in the day?

Remember that?

I wanted to say hello to everybody, and I will be back for the free-for-all 9 o'clock segment.

All right.

I hope to see you then.

I'll see you then.

Just message me when you're ready, and I'll be on.

All right, bud.

I'll talk to you then.

Hey, bring some of them cookies back, buddy.

Get some cookies going, man.

All right, I'll talk with you all in a little bit.

Thank you, man.

All right.

Already, I'm going to let you go for now, man.

All right, man.

All right, you're going to join the free-for-all later.

Thanks for joining.

Yeah.

So far.

All right, I'll be back.

Thanks, brother.

All right.

Anyway, so it's break time.

When we come back, it's going to be, as I've been saying before, a PC reunion at around

7 p.m.

We should have KDK and Zolar on the line.

Lego's going to try to join.

He was on it earlier.

He'll make an effort to see if he can make it again.

But if not, at least we've had our taste of Lego tonight.

Milkman will still be here, of course.

We've got a lot more of these bits to play.

I'll play Yellow Neck's Tales in that third part of the show,

which is about to start.

But this ends the second part of the show.

We're heading into the PC reunion now.

Yeah!

Holy shit, look out.

During our transition to the next segment,

you will be hearing let's see the best of who's the best who do we want the best of crazy fucker

from california is going to be playing another guy that we tried to see if we could find him

but unfortunately we were unsuccessful we found him but he has no phone number registered to him

we don't know if he's back incarcerated or or what exactly uh we're thinking about you crazy

fucker if you hear this down the road or you're listening today for some reason uh try to get a

a hold of us man uh but we'll be hearing the we miss you bro yeah we'll be hearing the best of

crazy fucker including him singing playing the accordion and rapping that's all coming up next

that harmonica shit yeah yeah all that or whatever was who knows it was a accordion or harmonica i

still don't know uh but uh yeah stay tuned everybody for part number three coming up thank you

pencils ready it's after this

Madhouse 10 Year Anniversary Part 2 of 4

Calls (47, 2 h 10 min of 3 h 26 min)

Transcript

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