Madhouse 10 Year Anniversary Part 4 of 4

It's like for an end table, you get one of those Tupperware container stacks.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I'm looking at this roommate for a one-room roommate you're looking for.

Is it $100 a week?

That's $100 a week, $400 a month, right?

Yep.

Put that in there, too.

I was really straightforward about that.

Oh, no.

I was a little confused about if it was $100 a month or a week.

You don't have to be rude.

So is this Walmart furniture you have there and sexual organs?

I did a Walmart furniture house.

And sexual organs.

You're scaring me, personally.

Because I'm telling you that...

I'm really normal.

Girls and guys go around wearing clothes, and they have parts and bodies.

Sexual organs.

You're scaring me.

Sexual organs.

Are you scaring me?

I'm not meaning to scare you, honey, baby.

You are scaring me.

Don't call me honey.

Can I get your address so I can come by and look at the apartment?

No.

Well, you say, yeah, it's $400 a week.

The cops have checked me out so many times, and they're like, Michelle's okay, because I am.

No, I'm cool.

No, I just was wondering, you know, about these pictures and sexual organs showing, you know,

and a vibrator on your desk and all that.

Vibrator on my desk?

Yeah.

Do you have a vibrator?

Do you use one?

Would you shut up?

No, tell me.

I don't want to talk to you.

There's no vibrator on my desk.

Where do you keep it?

Is it you keep it under the cushions or the futon?

I have a vibrator.

You're gross.

Do you have a dildo, then?

No.

Do you ever use, like, vegetables and stuff, like a cucumber?

No.

Oh, do you like sex?

I'm not going to tell you if I did or I didn't.

You just scared me.

It's going to be hot when we're sleeping together in the same bed and all that.

I'm going to...

No, you're not going to be here.

I'm not going to ever meet you.

I don't know how I'm going to keep my hands off of you, you know?

I'm just going to keep touching...

You're gross.

...touching and touching.

Do you know you're scaring me?

Don't be scared.

I'm cool.

I'm a cool guy.

No, you're not.

I'm a, yeah, I'm a cool guy.

You're so hot when you're angry, Michelle.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

You're like the nightmare of me.

You make me sick.

You make me sick and scared and fucked up.

You're really hot when you're angry.

No, I'm not.

Yeah.

Do you like makeup sex?

It's not like the best sex.

It's...

Yeah, yeah.

No, you, you, I would never have sex with you and you make me scared.

You're like, um...

Can I just sit, I'll sit there in a chair and look at you.

I don't want to be on people that had a beer.

I had a beer.

I can see that.

All I did was have a beer.

You're like my worst nightmare.

You were a really scary dude.

Okay.

What did you say?

All you've had is a beer?

What?

I said all I did was have a beer.

I am not evil or bad.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean all you had was a beer?

I'm never going to meet you and you cannot come with me.

Asshole, what are you saying all you had was a beer?

I don't, what are you talking about?

A beer.

Where?

I drank a beer.

A beer makes me drunk.

So you're drunk?

Yeah.

Why are you spending money on beer when you don't have a job and you can barely afford your rent and stuff?

Less than a lot of other stuff.

It's only 50 cents a beer.

Oh, what'd you get?

The beer is only 50 cents a beer.

What beer is it?

God.

It's more than beer.

What fucking beer is it?

I don't know what the money costs.

What fucking beer is it?

What kind?

What brand?

What label?

Why?

Why do you want to know?

I just want to know what the cheap beer is because I'm going to get that.

It sounds good.

It's cheap.

Oh, for yourself?

Yeah, for me, I drink beer.

I don't drink beer.

Thank you for the call, then.

Well, what kind?

Do you have cable TV?

No.

Did you buy a 40?

I don't.

I don't have cable TV.

Did you buy a 40?

What did you get?

No.

They're really cheap beers, and there's light beer in the lager version, and I switched

from the light to the lager, and I was astounded how drunk the lager makes me, but I'm a skinny

girl.

I said, I put this thing on my Facebook.

Look, beer makes girls drunk faster.

And girls got to really watch out for not driving and drinking and stuff like that.

Yeah, you got to be careful.

And girls got to watch out for women.

I know I'm a woman.

You know I'm age 42.

And I have to watch out to not wander around some people when I'm drunk.

Yeah, you're pretty old, so you got to be careful.

Joy, I'm sitting at my desk too long when I was a student or a girl in high school or college.

Okay.

And I just, like, had a beer.

And I'm just, like, of course, like, exercise or...

Why?

Because you called and said you wanted to come to my sexual organs?

No, I said I could see your sexual organs hanging out of this top.

What's your Facebook?

Just a second.

Check that out.

I don't want to point it out.

No, you can.

I'm not wearing a low-cut bra.

All right.

Can I give you my website?

You can go to it.

It's your parents.

I can't.

It's not very modest.

You see, I'm cool just joking around.

I hate Spix, but I like Mexicans.

I had to spend a lot more for beer.

This 50-cent beer thing sounds good.

You hate Spix, but I like Mexicans, and I hate niggers, but I like black people.

Big flats.

All right, I'll check it out.

All right.

Do you want, can you?

It's like there's black people, and there's, I'm bored, you know, and there's Mexicans,

Good Mexicans, good Mexicans, and then there's spics out there, you know?

And I don't like them.

I like Mexicans.

I'm calling from my cell phone.

I'm living in my car.

I'm staying in my car.

I was just musical.

Yeah, I came from Las Vegas.

Who came from Las Vegas?

Where are you from?

These slots are Walgreens.

So I have a blog.

It's legal.

It's $2 million.

All right, all right, honey.

You have lighter lager.

Okay.

Lighter regular.

I don't care anymore.

Okay, look.

I usually go to the light beer, and I drink a lager, and the lager makes me...

I'm like, whoop.

This is like my wife when she gets drunk.

I just want to make a deal.

I want to come take a look at the place and give you $100 a week.

You can't live here.

You're already fucking scared the hell out of me.

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

You're already fucking scared the hell out of me, and there's another guy here.

What?

You can't fuck me.

I don't want you to fuck me, you stupid little fuck.

Do you get that?

What?

You shut the fuck up and fuck off.

I don't need somebody to come fuck me, and there'll be another guy here.

Didn't you fucking get that?

What did I ruin that?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Why?

Because I'm by myself?

Or I had a beer?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

What about cream pie?

I think you're an asshole.

Do you know what cream pie is?

And I'm listening to the fucking neighbors running around.

If I start screaming, they'd fucking come, and the police would come in a minute.

They'd be like, what's going on?

I'm not saying the neighbors are my gangbanger friends, but they'd be like, what the fuck?

You can't fuck with me like that.

Do you understand that yet?

They hate you.

Where's my sex organs, you fucking faggot ass?

I'm wearing normal clothes in a photo.

Where's my fucking sex organs, you fucking little freak?

They're showing.

If you lighten up the picture, if you lighten the contrast, you can see your sexual organs.

No, they're not.

I am a girl wearing pants and a shirt.

Listen, honey, I'm looking at a...

Fuck off, honey, faggot ass.

Who are you calling me honey for?

Who in the fuck do you think you are?

You will never come here, and I will never know you.

Do you get that, you little motherfucker?

You fucking stupid little freak.

You will never come here, and I will never be friends with you.

How dare you call me, honey?

You're a fucking weirdo.

And I'm glad I'm not alone with you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I've only just made friends with the nicest guys around here.

And some women, too, and I am a woman.

Okay, that's fine.

You are a scary motherfucker.

Fucker, then you go call somebody else, honey, you little fucking faggot ass.

What the fuck, you think I'm like, honey, my sex organ parts?

I'm wearing baggy shorts and a t-shirt, you stupid fuck.

Don't ever fucking talk to me like that again.

You're the fucking honey.

Get the fuck away from me.

You can't ever come here.

And you think this is funny?

You're scaring me from my body and my life.

That's really me.

You look really cute.

You get it?

You're really pretty.

I am really cute and nice.

So are the neighbors.

So are a lot of people.

Yeah, so you don't go fuck with them because they're cute and nice.

Yeah, you shouldn't be showing your sexual organs out to everybody, you know, when you're...

I'm not.

And your porno link was really disgusting.

That is porno.

That is sexual organs.

I'm glad you know what they are.

Yeah, you told me, like, people fucking.

That's what your picture looks just like that.

People fucking.

Like, it looked like a penis and a vagina just fucking getting it on fucking.

I know what that is.

And it's like, dude, I don't, I don't, that's not my hobby.

I know how to have sex.

I don't need anybody harassing me.

And it's really weird.

You're freaking me out.

When's the last time you had a sex?

Two weeks ago.

I'm really great for having sex.

I know how to have sex.

It's not my problem.

Don't mess with me.

Do you like to get on top?

What's your favorite, hard, favorite position?

None.

I don't care.

Do you like doggy?

Do you do that?

No.

No, you don't?

No.

I thought you just said you're good for having sex.

What do you mean?

No, I'm not, Dan.

I'm not.

I suck.

You suck, right?

I used to go get film permits and work on films, but I wasn't nudity.

I was mostly, like, rated R stuff.

And I was, like, 25, too.

Oh, wow.

You're awesome.

Don't fuck with me, though.

I don't.

No, I don't need you to show me porno fucking, like, penis vagina.

I don't.

That's not.

You didn't really need to do that.

All right, but you'll be my little chicken, at least, right?

I don't know.

No.

did you fuck reggie no yeah why not no i didn't why not hello hey you know what hey brian uh

i got michelle on the line and she's saying she wants to fuck you shut up would you stop doing

that eddie hello michelle yeah i have michelle on the line here and she wants to fuck no i don't

okay you guys just called yeah yeah why are you hanging out with prank caller are you a real

person? Why are you

doing that? It's like

do prank calling. Okay.

How can I help you?

Thank you for calling. Hello?

I'm still here. How can I help you?

You can't.

There's like some guy that called you on a third

party call. He said his name is

Eddie. He's kind of fucking around.

It's not really, I don't think it's funny at all.

I'm like, come on. Don't do this to me

ever. Sober, drunk,

tired, awake,

ever. It's really rude.

Have you

started ignoring his phone calls?

...

No.

You guys have come around now.

Men may be blocking his phone calls.

No.

You should probably look into that

if you don't want to talk to him.

Are you his friend?

How do you do this?

I know he's listening on a third-party call or something like that.

Your message has been saved.

Thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

And these are recorded conversations.

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, I'd advise you to...

Recorded conversations of what?

Somebody's asking my crisis lad and scaring me that I would never let live here.

My ad is for roommates on crisis, and I'm a really nice woman and girl or anything.

That's it.

I'm sorry.

You may want to take that Craigslist down or maybe report the phone number that you're calling from.

No.

I tried to call the phone number back, and it just had a girl barbling on the voicemail.

So that's it.

Sorry, who are you?

Where are you?

This is Zappos.com.

What are you, like a psychic hotline or something?

Like, I would imagine.

What are you?

We're an online retailer.

You're an online what?

Retailer.

An online retailer for what?

Clothing, accessories, that nature.

Hoping.

What'd you say?

Tea?

Me? What'd you say?

Shoes, clothing, accessories, things of that nature.

Oh, my God.

There goes the sirens outside.

You can't fuck around here.

I'm like, don't fuck with me.

You're like, she's my language.

Don't mess around.

Mess, mess.

Screw around.

Was there anything I could help you with?

What company do you work for?

Zappos.com.

What?

Zappos.com.

Zappos?

Correct.

What is that?

An online retailer.

That's okay.

What are you saying?

Is it like sex or something?

Is it a sexual nature, like sex toys or something?

Shoes and clothing are not sexual in nature, but that's what we found.

Shoes, clothing, accessories.

No, no, there's not.

No, no.

Some guy called me off an AdOp Craigslist and connected me to you.

I'm not.

No, I don't need anything from you.

And I want to make sure.

I don't want him to do that.

He's like a punk.

He's like a punk and a hacker.

You know what punkers and hackers?

Haven't you ever heard of punkers and hackers?

And she's like that.

I'm like, punker, don't hate on me and hurt me.

Try to tell him he said his name was Eddie.

Eddie, dude, don't do this to me.

Don't fuck with me.

I need to really live here, and I'm going to keep using ads on Craigslist.

That's all.

I don't need anything from you.

He's the one that connected the call of you to me, okay?

Right.

If your boss is listening to this, like, could your boss help me?

I mean, oh, my God, why does this guy Eddie do this?

I'm like, gross, you know?

Yep, you should probably report him to the police, okay?

Really? Yeah, seriously.

Oh, my God, this is scary.

I don't really appreciate that, having to record stuff for the police.

Yeah, I don't.

Okay, well, these calls are recorded for that kind of thing.

Play it for your boss.

Yeah, you can record everything I'm saying.

I'm like, this guy named Eddie, though, I saw your ad.

Your sexual organs are...

I'm not naked.

I know what sexual organs are.

It means you're naked.

I'm not naked.

I don't really appreciate that

and I'm sorry

I don't need anything from you

or your company

and I'm sure he's sitting there

what is he your friend or something

I have no idea who this Eddie person is

okay his name is Eddie

and he's the one who put the call

I didn't directly dial my phone number

to where you work I'm sorry

that's okay maybe you should stop answering for him then

T-minus 90 seconds

and counting less than 2 minutes

away from the launch of STS-26

Six in a crew of five, we have heard that the clock will hold at 31 seconds.

We are anticipating the clock will hold at T-minus 31 seconds.

If not earlier, we have to confirm what that is, Jeff.

We're going down.

Captain, this is Charlie.

Good news.

We're going to stop it at 31 seconds.

Jeff, that's correct.

uh the words i mean the pressure rate of change 50 seconds and counting we're going to clear the

air and proceed and a concurrence from the launch director to proceed and if we clear we will not

stop at 31 that's true that's correct we will not stop

31 seconds we have a goal for auto sequence start discoveries for redundant computers

Computers have assumed T-minus 23 seconds in counting the SRV nozzle's profile.

T-minus 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10.

We're over. Main engine start. 7, 6, 7, start. 3, 2, 1, 0.

And liftoff! Liftoff!

America's return to space as Discovery clears the tower.

Roger, roger. Discovery.

The control program is now controlling.

Enlightening some of my friends.

I can guarantee you peace of mind.

That's what you told me, Dominic.

I can guarantee you peace of mind.

I don't feel so peaceful, huh?

They tried to kill my wife!

Maybe it was one of your people. You don't know.

I'll tell you what I know.

Maybe I should just put 500 guns out there on the street

We can just start shooting up some people just to make a point.

Frank was a junkie, right? He was a rival.

Some dumbass kid trying to make a name for himself.

Someone you forgot to pay off.

Someone you slighted, not even realizing it.

Could be someone you put out of business for being so successful.

Look at you. Success.

He's got enemies, right? Lots of enemies.

Your success took a shot at you.

What are you going to do now? Are you going to kill it?

Are you going to become unsuccessful?

Frank, we can be successful and have enemies, right?

We can be unsuccessful, too. We can have friends.

That's a choice we make.

That's all

Hide covers and study your pain

Crosses from your lovers

Throw roses in the rain

Waste your summer praying in vain

First thing you heard

Arise from this street

The road that's understood

Redemption I can offer

Is beneath this dirty roof

With a chance to make it good somehow

Hey, what else can we do now?

Except roll a windblow back your head

And take this chance to make it real

The trading's on Sunday

He's waiting down on the track

Now tonight, to the case of promised land

Under oath, under oath

Can't make, sit tight

It's all along

See, it was open with the rise

But tonight, there's a

Screaming name at night in the street

Graduation gown, lies and rags

That they cool before dawn

You get to the porch, they're gone

Climb down, we're pulling out of here

The house negro and the field negro.

The house negro, they lived in the house with masters.

They dressed pretty good.

They ate good because they ate his food when he left.

They lived in the attic or the basement, but still they lived near their master.

And they loved their master more than the master loved himself.

They would give their life to save their master's house quicker than the master would.

The house negro, if the master said, we got a good house here, the house negro would say, yeah, we got a good house here.

Whenever the master said we, he said we.

That's how you can tell a house negro.

If the master's house caught on fire, the house negro would fight harder to put the blaze out than the master would.

If the master got sick, the house negro would say, what's the matter, boss?

We sick, we sick.

He identified himself with his master more than his master identified with himself.

And if you came to the house negro and said, let's run away, let's escape, let's separate,

that house negro would look at you and say, man, you crazy.

What do you mean, separate?

Where is there a better house than this?

Where can I wear better clothes than this?

Where can I eat better food than this?

That was that house negro.

In those days, he was called a house nigger.

And that's what we call him today because we still got some house niggers running around here.

Wide Machine Corporation.

One wing of the plant is housed in huge laboratories of the company.

Designed and experimental calculating machines are built to test that particular looking machine is deserving.

Gentlemen, this is the evening.

i'll do that wrapping up everybody i will call them it is 10 o'clock sharp that means we've

officially hit our 10-year anniversary point we started at 10 o'clock uh on this date 10 years

ago yeah man it's now officially 10 years awesome awesome news okay so we got a damn

i do baby i never thought you'd know me around here 10 years i didn't think you'd want to have

I've been around for 10 years, man.

I don't think I was going to be around today for 12 hours.

I don't think I was going to make it.

But I'm talking about I'm going to have to do some extra innings,

some encore sessions here just to make sure everyone gets their prank on

tonight, man.

It's been a crazy fun show.

I'm going to have to remember, man.

It's true, baby.

That's my brother right here talking.

I can't believe we're almost through that 12-hour commitment I made.

uh everyone be sure to check out madhouse live.com and prank call nation.com that's our

this fucking for you dude blue dream man blue dream man but why is everything red

i'm so cool i do drugs i'm milkman damn

Damn.

All right, easy.

Yeah.

All right.

Milkman, you should go do some shrooms tonight and drop some acid.

Milkman, drop some acid and do some shrooms and smoke some salvia all at the same time.

Are you ready to freak out?

Freak out on the air?

I love that.

I love that shit.

That was a hell of a hit there, Mr. Milkman.

Man, good God.

Shit, dude.

That was for you, brother.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you couldn't have it yourself, but I did take it in honor, in your honor.

I do want to say what's up real quick to Mr. Lonesome Loser who has found us and has joined us in the chat room.

Thank you, Lonesome, for helping us out over the years.

You're definitely an integral part of us being able to do all this, and you're welcome here.

Thank you.

You don't even have to send us numbers tonight if you don't want to.

You can just chill out and have yourself a nice night.

The numbers, man, in the house, baby.

Oh, this hell house.

Listen, the numbers, man, the numbers are...

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well, man.

I'm very happy, man.

You really made it a very successful 10 years.

Worth, brother.

Much love to you and your family.

Much love.

Yeah, so let's go down pranking.

Let's start it off with all our friends.

Milkman, we're going to start with the first person who's already calling in,

Mr. Jonathan Jones.

What's up?

up jonathan from the panhandle represent hey what's going on big jonathan you get them cookies

they're on their way they're on their way all right now i'm gonna add people here nobody be

offended i'm going in alphabetical order so if i miss you for some reason it's not for any reason

in particular so i haven't got your name yet um dropping in awkward i see awkward is online i'm

gonna drop them in did you get hold of the dad the dad yes the dad i got his cell phone number

let me call him because uh andy was waiting he was waiting for a call but i didn't put him on

because i didn't want to interrupt the flow of the advance so i said i'll tell you we'll call

you back and by the way milkman i think we can actually do um more than just two lines i think

that worked when i did it we might be good to go hang on let's we'll find out i'm calling into

dad now uh all right i'll throw dialer in here just in case he's around it's probably too late

for him uh we'll get dark stranger up in here you know what i feel like um jonathan this service is

not available right now thank you for calling goodbye well the dead service isn't working

right now you ever watch that guy that paint what was the guy bob ross you ever watch bob ross on

the pb what was that prompt there i didn't catch what it said something is what that was the dead

cell phone but now he's joining us on uh skype hey that's all the high soul hey hey the dead

What are you doing, man?

What's up, the dead? How you doing, brother?

Hey, what's up, bro?

How you doing, bro?

So is your wife coming up to the States?

Huh? She's here, bro.

Oh, nice.

She's up in the States now? Nice.

Hell yeah.

Oh, you're having some American sex now, yeah.

Dude, you know what?

Why do you think I got the fucking

Spanish hip-hop going on?

Yeah, you're right.

You're going to be listening to that all the time now.

congratulations yeah congratulations to you too now you gotta get her you had to come inside of

her you know hell yeah motherfucker what do you think bro yeah awkward's here awkward what's up

mr hello hello how you doing man you blowing your boy dwight shit yeah oh heck yeah all right let's

uh see who else i can connect on here did dad what's up bro so how are you doing bro i'm good

did you just get back stateside now or what's yeah i just came back last night bro i just

fucking came with her last night yo okay all right well cool congratulations again

um i dropped dr lego just in case he's available i'm dropping dwight in here

motherfucker hey what's up man fucking it's a motherfucking

uh yeah i'm getting there i got evil already dropped in here general awesome

see if he picks up this is a whole new fucking country for her bro what a whole new country for

her bro what does she think so far is there ask her maybe you should ask her like she like you

know what she likes it because there's you know there's a running water and shit here so you know

Oh, well, that's a good thing.

That's a good, that's a good...

Yeah, we're running water and it's hot.

Boy, that's hard to beat, huh?

And it doesn't have any fucking bacteria in it.

And it's cool as hell.

It's not hot and shit.

And you can drink the water, too.

You can drink the water out of the faucet, too.

You don't have to boil it.

You don't have to boil it, you know?

Yeah, you don't have to boil it.

You don't have to go to the water and buy it.

all right we got a lot of people in here now yeah how's it going hey what's up so uh

evil arty you're working on your mic i'm guessing you know i'm good right now all right you're

making some noise okay all right so we got enigma what's up enigma hey how's it going guys oh i'm

good lego did you make it back lego still dialing uh general awesome hey hey llama big llama liquor

what's up hey hey hey jack tv's here what's up man big jack hasn't joined it oh yeah it's hard

for me to see there's so many of them it's hard for me you know brad's still joining evil already

is here dwight is here the dead's here and awkward's here and of course most importantly

is milkman yeah all right i'll be back jonathan is gone man what a great man right here buddy

here i'll be right back okay the dad playing music

it's my jam dude it all sounds the same all right what hello hey is that brandy oh i'm a

brandy's house uh you're looking to help people who are recovering is that for like you know

for a home a place for them to live okay well i'm gonna connect my friend steven he's uh an

alcoholic uh he's a recovering alcoholic the dad hey yeah uh i found a place for you i found a

place for you to live because you're an alcoholic uh i'd love to help you but it's for women only

the dad are you not a woman today yeah um i'm kind of i'm like trans issuing right now i'm

I'm more like a male, but I'm actually going to be cutting my penis off, like, within the next two weeks.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That's good.

Good luck with you.

And I just want to know if you could deliver to me.

Because, you know what, I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll try to call back.

Sorry to put you on the spot today.

don't play the music like that today please because then we yeah okay i'm sorry we can't do

a show you know it's okay i added matt here to the i don't think he'll answer please leave your

message after the tone oh yeah matt's in sweden and he's getting it you know getting it in

you know what yeah you could put me on this spot because i'm i'm gonna fucking do it on this spot

but because I wouldn't be who I am.

Because you're the dad.

Yeah, fuck it, right?

Yeah, fuck it, motherfucker.

Yeah, fuck it.

You hear that, guys?

He's the dad.

All right.

I have a hot Dominican wife as well that's with me, so fuck that.

Fuck yeah.

Someone was trying to get my attention.

Who was that?

Anyone need me?

That was Llama.

Oh, hey, Llama, what's up?

I wrote you a message there and a thing.

I didn't want to say it out loud.

Okay, no problem.

Is it cool if I add?

Yeah, sure.

Cool. Yeah, awesome.

There you go.

Dude, you know what?

My wife's so fucking hot

that she owns all of yours

except Carlito's wife.

So, yeah.

How much does she weigh?

Where's the fucking Zolar?

Zolar.

200 pounds?

Yeah, it's a big gun.

So she does add Zolar.

Hang on.

Zolar is an answer.

All right.

Okay, I was going to say

because all I would like to speak with, I'm a warrior, man.

All right, does anyone want to speak to a $450-a-month female roommate

wanted in Nashville, Tennessee?

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, Baz, what's up?

Baz, Baz.

Hey, I can only stay on for like 10, 20 minutes,

but I just wanted to make sure I called in and say congratulations,

10 fucking years.

10 fucking years, exactly.

That's how I put it.

Thanks, Baz.

Yeah, no, it's been great.

I've been listening for about nine of those 10 years,

so thank you

yeah man good and do a freaking show suit

I know you for

longer than 10 years

did I hear later?

about 10 years

no I know you longer than 10 years

you know me from before

I know milkman longer than 10 years

yeah milkman you do

yeah thanks Baz

hey Shani I remember you

who wants to talk to the roommate thing

anyone someone here's gotta

wanna do it come on

You have reached the voicemail box of

No one is

I'd love to have a roommate

We've got a lot of people on this call

You have reached the voicemail box of

It's not working at all

Bitch doesn't want to pick up

Hennessy

Darren

I am going to murder your asshole

In about two seconds

It's going to happen. He'll do it.

I've seen him do it, even with the diabetes.

With the diabetes, he can still fight, and it will happen.

I promise. He's going to do it.

It's good.

Fish, good.

$125 musician's sleeping room.

No lease. Weekly rent.

$125 a week.

How about Dwight? Dwight, do it.

Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah, fucking do it.

There's children here, asshole.

Oh, no.

I set some fireworks off in a fucking hotel room.

Your call has been forwarded to the automatic voice message system.

Corlito, you had me listening at work today, right?

I left, fucking said, fuck it.

Called in sick from lunch, didn't go back.

Been listening ever since, bro.

Good stuff.

That's dishonest.

No, it's not.

I listened on my drive home.

Yeah?

Hey, Corlito, do you know this song?

No.

No, don't play it.

Mr. Macron's here.

What's up, Macron?

Macron.

Conspiracy.

You know that song, right?

No, I don't know.

I don't listen to this stuff, the dad.

It sounds like me when I go take a shit in the morning.

Sounds just like that music.

Yeah.

Listen, the dad.

The dad, does your wife still have the 25 cent special on?

Oh, screw you, you motherfucking piece of shit.

That's not very nice.

I don't go over there.

I don't fuck you up with your motherfucking asshole, bitch.

Mama, mama.

He's speaking dirty people language.

What the fuck is that?

That's Spirits.

Taco Bell.

What are you calling?

Mommy love me verga.

Mama niema.

Where are you, El Vagno?

Hey Carlito, Miss Morgan wants to know if she can party with us.

Yes, hello.

Why not?

Let's add more confusion.

We are not available now.

Please leave your name and phone number.

Carlito know what a Mama Cuevaso is?

A ball sucker?

Yeah.

Um, cocksucker, yeah.

No, it's balls.

Cuevo.

Ah, it kind of translates to cocksucker, though.

No, Mama Nier.

Mama Nier Massa is a tank sucker, though.

Yeah.

A tank sucker, though.

Okay.

All right, we got free wood.

Hackberry tree, free wood, gray firewood, big, does Big Jim want this?

Oh, yeah, wood.

wood oh hey morgan i'll get big jim oh yeah baz will take it go bad

hi to dad my favorite person

hey come on don't be that guy now don't be that nice

I'm gonna beat that guy, motherfucker

The dead's not used to women who talk back

You know what?

My wife talks back

The dead's not used to women who can understand him

My wife talks back

Apparently

And I know a lot of Spanish, bitch

Hi, Mr. Spork

Hey, happy 10 year anniversary

Carlito, big boss man

Thanks, big boss man

What the fuck

Shut up.

Hold on to dead.

Hold on.

To dead.

So Carlito, I don't know if you got my message, but send me some clips and shit,

and I will make you a song for the 10-year thing.

Okay, cool.

Just like you did with Dwight's show that one day.

Yep.

Yeah, okay.

All right, listen, we're going to try the wood number again.

To dead.

I'm going to have to cut you off because you're being very disruptive and playing music.

Free wood, and Baz was going to do this.

Yeah, John.

Yes.

Yes, I'm calling about the free wood.

I'm sorry, I tried calling.

We seem to have had a cross line.

I heard a lot of cursing and foul language.

What's going on?

Yeah, I heard that too.

Yeah, why do you do that to me?

I'm very sensitive.

That's scary.

Okay, who is this and what do you need?

Yeah, my name's David, and I'm calling about the free wood.

I need free wood, firewood.

I'm having my annual bonfire next week, and I need all the wood that I can get.

you're going to come over you you can come over if you give me the free wood uh you have an

invitation to come to the annual bonfire okay yeah we're going to go to the park and we're

going to dig a pit we're going to put the wood in we're going to build this poor gasoline in there

i'll let you throw the match even how about that and all my friends are going to be there we're

going to dance naked around the fire hello stupid usually the wood people we lost him

Yeah, usually they do

These were Tennessee wood people too

I forget, they'd go crazy

Tennessee wood

Yeah, they just had that shootout

Ah, that's fucked up

Stupid

Yeah, some Muslim dude killed about four marines

Inside of a recruitment station

And then drove up the street

Shot up another recruitment station

ISIS took credit for it too

Oh, really?

Really? Wow.

It was a naval base.

Keep in mind, ISIS will take credit for anything.

Anything, that's true.

It was a naval reserve base and a recruitment station.

Oh, wow. I've been busy doing shows all day and I didn't see this.

Mohammed shoots up Marines in Tennessee.

Four dead, motivated by Islam.

Mohammed Yousef Abdulazir was the guy's name.

Kuwaiti born.

He used to be a cage fighter.

Look at that.

Two military facilities attacked.

Yeah, yeah, seriously, I didn't know about that.

That's crazy.

It happened this afternoon, I'm presuming, right before...

Yeah, this morning-ish.

Well, for me, it was this morning.

I'm in Cali.

So probably around the time I started...

Is she tight?

Cali?

Yeah, is she tight?

Yeah.

Around 10.45 this morning, the first shots fired.

A witness says a silver Mustang convertible pulled into this plaza lined with military recruiting offices.

He just pulled up, and I didn't think anything of it.

he had his drop top and he looked to the side and next thing you know he lifted up his arms like

this with a big black gun and just it was one shot and then it was just endless shots one after

another just unloading from there the alleged shooter now identified as 24 year old muhammad

yusuf abdulaziz took off racing to a naval reserve center about seven miles away police responded

giving chase catching up with him at the reserve center where a gun battle broke out they arrived

arrived on the scene extremely quickly, and they actively and enthusiastically engaged

this brazen criminal.

The response by the local law enforcement was overwhelming. They were able to neutralize

the threat.

Four Marines were killed on the scene. At least three others were wounded. Sources tell

CNN the shooter also died on the scene. It was all over within 30 minutes. A former recruit

is devastated to see the aftermath would you kill the people that want you to protect you

we are treating this as an act of domestic terrorism and late tonight a law enforcement

source tells cnn the fbi is working the case as a potential terrorism investigation

oh wow man you also spoke to a different coach a different mix like as a recruit he's crying like

like that no that's not our crew that was a fucking oh i'm sorry former career correct

all right how are you that's what i'm saying i don't want that defending our

defending our shit like freaking out in the middle of a gunfight a recruit is just that

like that could be a goddamn high school drama queen like you know you feel me like that's the

guy like oh i'm gonna join the military but then like oh my my uh pinky felt bad so i didn't join

yeah so what's a former recruiter did he just get like he wasn't accepted but he kept hanging

hanging out with them like if you don't want to get accepted you won't you know i mean he was

standing outside and he was just like these days i'm gonna walk through that door and sign them

fucking papers yeah exactly and then he saw this is like forget that it's fucking and for a lot of

people don't know uh less than one percent of the middle or less than one percent of the american

population have the balls to join the military less than one percent for those who didn't know

look it up google it some people i don't know that's less than one percent that will get

through the basic training because a lot of people have a have a have like a complete authority issue

and wouldn't be able to make it through like have the balls to join or is that like want to join and

can make it you know what i was i was told that by recruiters so actually maybe probably that's

not true now i think about that but that's what i've always been told no no no no fact check it

fact check it if i'm wrong i'll admit it but recruiters are the ass end of the military let's

to be honest. They're not. They make a lot of

money, but they fucking lie, for sure.

Yeah, and they stalk you, dude.

In high school, they used to stalk you.

Absolutely, for sure. My friend gave them his number

and they wouldn't stop calling him.

Either way, they don't deserve to fucking get shot.

No. No. Of course not.

No one deserves to get shot. No, absolutely

not. Well, a few people, maybe.

Doom and gloom. Doom and gloom.

Doom and gloom. Let's get happy here.

Hey, Coralita, what the fuck is that on that

mattress behind you, bro? That ghost is

bad, man. No, it's not. It's a ghost,

bro we got lynn who's selling free firewood for cutting you gotta cut it get it oh i love to cut

it i love it i don't get it john wayne bobbitt cut it yeah yeah cut it it's a conspiracy

it is it is it is dwight you already formatted these for me awesome i'm trying to format them

and i don't know you're about the rapper from wu ting that cut his dick off and jumped out the

window yes that was me that was oh dude i forgot about that yeah it's right in the street for me

in the valley here dude he was lucy affiliated yeah he was on recita boulevard all fucked up

and he was like he cut his dick off he just did this really ridiculous interview and he's like

it's still big though but they couldn't stitch it back on it's like oh i've seen that interview

that guy's fucking weird it's still big it's just in a shoebox now hey they're sitting on the phone

yeah hello who is it uh who was taking this yeah you got that firewood there chief you got the

firewood yeah yeah how much of it's left like how what how thick are they i need to know which saw

to bring and i get to keep it right i just i just get it and cut it and take it away it's free

all right i'm gonna come down i'm gonna bring a saw and i'm gonna have your old ass out there

cutting a tree while i go fuck your wife how about your daughter you got a dog no man mother

fuck he must be a gang all right let's all try to focus when we hear a call ring remember we

gotta be on okay i didn't realize you couldn't see the call box anymore so i'll just be quiet

can we call him back if he's got a dog okay dog fucking nobody i know hey yeah you got a dog

that we can fuck for a pig?

Yep, they would.

Got him.

Dog's got standards.

That dog don't like you.

Can't hang up so quick.

I'm sure Baz would just be like,

I got some peanut butter.

They're going to like me just fine.

Oh, yeah.

Just a little bit on the tip.

Just a little bit.

You should just fucking lather it on.

Yeah, he's a pot of meat food product.

Happy 10-year anniversary.

Thanks, Jack.

Hey, Jack, you're here.

Yay, buddy.

How you doing?

Big Jim Jack.

I just got here.

Good to hear you, man.

Thank you.

And thank you for the well wishes.

Let's move on with these numbers that we got here.

In a little bit, I'm going to have to play a few more of these best of things.

But the good thing is the long ones are done.

I'm out of long ones.

They're all shorts.

That's what she said.

I hate short ones.

A few times.

That's all I got.

I'm not about the lanes.

Oh, shit.

I left Milkman.

Milkman, I'm here, buddy.

I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

We got Cheese Boy pranked real good.

Yeah, that's true.

Jonathan you love that cheese boy

Pete Smith was great man

Milkman listen I'm sorry

it's not that I'm ignoring you

there's a lot going on right now

but at least I'm not losing you

I'm keeping you connected buddy

dude thank you man for not

dropping me man

bring me back in

hey Milkman

hey motherfuckers

hey everybody all my friends

everybody joining in on the super

round of the hangbang session

Hey, Milkman, I'm going to suck your dick.

You want to suck my tit?

Oh, you nasty.

You nasty, baby.

You're supposed to talk about that guy and close doors, right?

I'm going to suck your toes, motherfucker.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, man, I better go wash my feet first, man.

I don't know.

No, no, don't.

Keep them dirty.

I'll pay $15 to wash that.

I'll give you some footwork.

To watch him wash his feet?

You know, man, I had to milk my cows now, so I don't know about that.

You better let me go, bro.

All right.

Who wants to speak to a smoke shop called the Third Eye, D Third Eye in Portland, Oregon?

I think Macron and I would love to speak to them.

We're probably just going to tell them to shut up, though, if that's all right.

All right.

Macron and I will be doing that.

Hey, Carlito, I've got to go pick up my kid.

I'm not sure if I'll be back by the end of the show, but thanks for letting me on.

Man, it's priorities, man.

Come on.

The show.

All right, man.

Well, thanks for joining us.

Send a cab back to your kids.

All right, I'll see you, Baz.

Later, guys.

See ya.

Waiters.

He's on fire.

Saw that Neon's in the chat, so she's doing all right after the surgery and such?

Our business hours.

I think that place is closed.

Yeah, Neon, she's good, yeah.

Good, good.

She's in the chat as far as I know.

I don't know if she can talk, but I added her to this conference.

Not sure she can make it because of the voice issues.

I just saw she typed, uh, mmm, and.

Oh, good, she's doing good.

At least she's got her humor.

She's got payments too

Carlito

When does this show

Be on the podcast

I'm going to try to turn it around as soon as I can

Buddy it's going to be a lot to edit

I'm asking for help hopefully maybe Tabachi

Or someone can help me at least do

You know two out of the four

But as soon as I can

I've published them all

To the Mixler

Showreel though so you can listen to them on there

In the meantime

time so they're they're technically they're available immediately um if you go to the

mixer.com slash prank call nation and click on the showreel there'll be copies of them there

uh i could do some editing over the weekend if you need someone yeah that might help all right

we'll discuss hey i got a korean food restaurant you guys still want macron and uh not the koreans

it doesn't work well with macron we tried that before they hate him for some reason

he's gonna say like oh no that's japanese never mind i don't know i get all the asians

mixed up in what you say to them.

How about, hey, well, okay, well, how about

the Irish Republic, Dublin?

I've got Barry's Hotel

in Ireland.

Ireland? Yeah, Ireland.

Macaron, do you think we could pull that off with them?

Yeah, hotel's good.

I can work with that.

Just make sure you give me the new

cheese boy prank. Yeah, I will.

I'll edit it out for sure, because that shit was fun.

No problem.

That was a good call.

Big Jim. What is it?

Is it 4 a.m., 3 a.m. where you're at, Macro?

It is 3.30 a.m.

Drinking that specialty tonight, eh?

It's 3 a.m., I feel lonely.

Good morning, Bob.

I must be.

Hello.

Hi.

oh is this the hotel yeah all right oh you're not very polite for a hotel proprietor

what's the problem there buddy what what you don't have i'm interested in booking a room

Is that okay?

For when?

For horny.

Well, I...

For Thursday.

Hey, settle down.

Shut up.

I need to know how much it is for one night.

Shut up.

Yes, but for what?

For Thursday night or Friday night?

Last sex.

Well, what?

Does it matter what day it is?

Does the price change on different days?

This is what I need to know.

No, it doesn't matter because I can have full.

All right, okay.

Well, let's say I want to come next Friday until Sunday.

How much will that be?

And I'm bringing my life partner with me, Mr. Lama.

Next Friday, you have to call him after 8 o'clock.

No!

Hey, shut up. No, you can't. You just give me the price.

No, no, no. No, shut up when I'm speaking.

What's... Just give me the price, motherfucker.

What the fuck?

Yeah, so that's what I tell you. I don't know the price.

Well, does someone there know the price?

Why do you bother answering the phone if you don't know anything?

It's fucking stupid.

Hey, buddy.

Okay, I told you. I can't say you what price because I don't know.

All right, what can I do? Is Ready Rooms available next weekend?

I'm going to tell that.

Tony?

Hey, Tony.

Fucking fuck foreigners.

I love this shut up stuff you guys do.

Should have deported them.

Foreigners.

So, yeah.

I know.

I did that deliberately.

I was making fun of Macron.

I love him.

No problem.

Hey, real quick before we continue, I did a check here.

226 people recorded in the mix are tuning in.

And an additional 64 on our three shoutcast servers combined.

So, that's 290 technically that are listening to us.

Holy shit.

That's not bad, not bad. I don't know how many of those

on Shellcast might be ripping the stream.

How many of those?

Whoa.

I think that's the most I've had.

Well, I think we hit like 300

something on Thanksgiving once

at one point. The last Thanksgiving

prank I bought. So, yeah.

Let's continue here.

That number and the one before

that came from Lonesome Loser, who was

soaking us up with numbers. He's the original numbers

hitman. Oh, yeah. Lonesome Loser.

Yeah, yeah. And?

I've got another number here from him

it's a Korean restaurant that we still haven't gotten to

does anyone else want to try to do that

now that macaroon has gone

is it the Korean restaurant

except Guilo's

in their facility

Guilo isn't Korean

I like macaroon

what's Guilo supposed to mean

Guilo means like white devil

this is

in California

is this the Korean restaurant

yeah it's a korean food it says okay i'll try i'll try yes

just so you guys know and young hasio is like hello how are you in korean

a good icebreaker please try your call again later oh you know what it's got the one see

dwight's trying to help me okay all right please try your what am i doing wrong here

ah yes i missed a number well i know on young from arrested development that was the korean

kid was on young i think i can count the 100 in korea yeah yeah fun fact really that's impressive

yeah he's a liar no it's not i'm not lying i was in karate karate hello that's japanese jag

taekwondo yeah funny enough is where ted webb is right now

taekwondo koreans

i was in there yesterday uh yesterday i was eating your food your shit food

and i got very very sick very sick uh were you alone uh no i came in with uh two other people

we were eating the the deep fried the deep fried shit and it was very it made me very sick i had

to go to the hospital. Did other two people got sick? Yeah, they got sick as well. Well,

only one of them got sick because he shared the meal with me. How about the other person?

The other person didn't get sick. No, no. But I got sick and that's what I'm calling

about. It's very important. I had to go to the hospital because your food is dirty food

and I got sick. It made me very sick. Okay, can I have your information? Well, what are

you gonna do with the information there? I feel like I feel like calling the the sanitation board

like the health board you know like I feel like you guys have dirty food and you guys have dirty

hands maybe like you guys don't wash your hands maybe. Yeah let me get your information and then

I'll tell my boss. No no no I need to speak with your boss right now please boss man right now.

Yeah he's not here right now so I have to call him and I can I. Okay well how about you give me his

his number or else i'm gonna have to call the uh the health and sanitation board on your restaurant

your dirty restaurant so you can give me his number i will call him directly and it'll save

us both some time okay his name is chris okay okay phone number 714 uh-huh 474 yeah 474 1099

so okay okay i got it and his name is chris okay chris okay okay thank you uh-huh hey okay that

That was, like, relatively easy.

Yeah, it was.

Sorry, I figured I might as well just talk straight to the boss man.

Might as well.

That wasn't too hard.

Let me call that quickly before one of our troll friends calls it.

Don't call it, please, trolls.

Don't.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you probably had redid it.

Oh, I didn't get to it.

He was taking a potty break.

He didn't get the message.

I'm shitting.

He said, I'm shitting.

Whatever you do, don't get numbers.

But don't please call it.

We call it, please.

Sorry, guys.

It's okay.

Chris.

Chris is not a Korean name.

hello is this chris yes um are you the restaurant you're the owner of that that korean restaurant

correct which korean restaurant uh the korean restaurant that i just called well do you own

a korean restaurant yes or no what are you calling what is this regarding well i just called your

restaurant um and i spoke with one of your employees and they gave me your number because

i was there yesterday um and the the dirty restaurant got me very sick okay so do you

own the restaurant yes or no go to which restaurant did you go to well do you own a restaurant yes or

no okay if you don't specify which restaurant well i'm not exactly sure how to pronounce it

because it's in it's not in english language but i was there yesterday and i ate there with two

other people and i got very very very sick so i'm just wondering what exactly you're going to do to

compensate me for that because i have it i i feel like i should just call like the health and see

the sanitation board or something because i've gotten very very sick i'm worried you guys aren't

cleaning your hands or you guys are maybe i don't know there's questionable uh cleaning activities

going on there okay just to let you know uh we're creating barbecue restaurant exactly exactly over

over over 500 customers a day okay well that's that's great but that doesn't really say anything

for your cleanliness or your sanitation at all. What I'm telling you is if a batch of our food

was bad, there would be a lot of people that would be sick. Well, if you think about it,

what I had was the Norwalk virus. And I'm not sure if you know what that's from, but that is

actually from when feces comes in contact with food and then somebody eats it. So it is possible

that maybe one of your dirty workers just didn't wash their hands after they went to the shitter

and then they touched my food

and me and my friend both got sick.

So if you have 500 people there or not...

You're saying a lot of things.

I'm what? I'm saying a lot of things?

I'm telling you exactly what happened.

I don't know what else you want me to say.

I'm getting a lot of echo from your phone.

Okay, well, it seems to be your phone

because my phone's just fine.

But I'm saying a lot of things.

I'm trying to tell you what's going on.

If that's how you feel,

you could contact the health department

and they'll come out

and they'll do a thorough investigation.

You know, it wouldn't really matter.

You know, if you're accusing me...

No, it doesn't matter now, so you don't care if I put a full review about what happened on Yelp?

Our employees used the bathroom and then did not clean their hands.

You could have not cleaned your hands after you went to the bathroom.

Oh, no, dude.

I always clean my hands.

I'm a very clean woman, and for you to suggest otherwise, quite frankly, is offensive and very rude.

Oh, damn.

What an asshole.

That guy, there could be a saga with that guy.

Yeah, seriously.

Call him back repeatedly.

Can someone call him back as, like, my husband or something?

Yeah, I'm calling him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say, like, you also got sick.

Let me get Dirty Aaron on here.

Yeah, after this call, I'm going to go in and out.

All right, no problem.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Let me change the caller ID.

We have a chance.

Don't worry.

Maybe we should set up his voicemail.

That would be illegal.

Sorry.

Let me...

Oh, shit.

What was that?

Can you give me that area code?

It was 7-1 again?

7-1-4.

Thanks.

Here we go.

He's just picking up and hanging up now.

We'll hang on to him later.

I'm going to mark that with a double star real quick so I don't forget it.

Why don't you call the restaurant back and just say that guy was an asshole?

Yeah, okay.

That's a good idea.

I didn't think about that.

Call from his number and I'll get the restaurant shut down.

Say that the owner said...

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.

All right, you got it.

What's the name of the restaurant?

Type that shit out.

I'll try to shut that motherfucker down.

Oh, it's some ching-chong, kind of Korean something.

Let me get to the...

Wait, wait, wait.

Do they have a barbecue restaurant?

what's it what's his name chris chris this is a restaurant of cameras we should check them

you're gonna scan them port scan over cameras yeah hang on i'm just working on the caller id

which those are great by the way mr dwight those webcam shit that you have on the youtube machine

thank you amazing oh by the way you gotta shout out dashy for those though that reminds me

yeah well dashy dwight whoever whoever's responsible they're amazing and funny as

as fuck so yeah to the 200 people listening you should definitely check those out yeah awkward

um that kid that i kept trying to get the parents oh yeah they find i i i decided to wait until it

was a little earlier so the maybe the parents were still around you know just putting them down

and i caught him just as the mom was walking off i could tell she had just put the kids down

and i came out i was like kids are crying again having a panic attack and she came in she finally

Stanley figured it out that it was me and she

shut the camera off and has left it off ever since.

Dude, that sounds fucking hilarious.

Yeah, that poor kid.

May I ask the gentleman that was in

the trailer that was nude?

Maybe I shouldn't say that, but

did you put that up or no?

That's been up, isn't it? No.

You're talking about the fat ass

that was so fat that someone was hanging

over his cock? Yeah, that's him.

Yeah, that's the Xbox fat guy.

I just saw the one with the really angry

bitch that was swearing at his

don't tell me to shut up

you're on my fucking camera

she's like there's children

in the room don't say that

don't fucking say that she says

there's children in the room don't

fucking curse that's what she said

trashy bitch

that's all on Dwight

what's your you don't have a

what are you on YouTube

this is youtube.com

backslash Dwight the janitor

if you youtube search Dwight the janitor

it's the first thing that comes up

hey guys this is the restaurant

caller ID has been changed

hey Dwight

I think I messed up there let me try that again

and I did that again

I hate a dick

nice dick llama

Morgan people in tiny chat are requesting your black dick

okay

I'll go get the black dick

Morgan and I have the same dick

awesome general awesome

some different colors i want to see you two fight with them like a lightsaber battle make that

happen yeah she'd win though i'd just think so bow down yeah all right i'm giving it a few seconds

here because it's still going busy and a three and a two and a one and a go laptop struggling

with all these out oh hey this is chris what are you how are we doing good business today or what

i'm saying hey it's chris uh-huh yeah are we doing good business is it busy in there do i need to

come in uh how many people no no this is the owner chris i'm asking how we doing today we got a lot

of business or what it's chris i own the place you own this place yeah it's chris uh sound like

chris yeah well it's because of this crappy phone i gotta go get it fixed so listen how much sales

did we take in the last hour okay i speak korean to me yeah yeah i know jesus speak korean to me

oh speak korean i think it's speak to korea or speak to anthony all right speak korean

smart guy so mama have you ever beat the shit out of somebody with that big dick

dog actually no if you want to know the truth when i first came across that dildo a very long

story very short it was a halloween party and when i drove in the driveway to pick up my drunk

friend friend they were literally fighting with like three of those same girls like i have the

those motherfuckers are heavy

it's heavy as fuck

it's not a joke

no I've never done that

but I have seen my friends do that

why would you be interested in that

bye Jonathan is that you

you're heading out

yeah I'm heading out

thanks for having me guys

and I will be back on your show

whenever y'all are on

bye I'm Jack TV

see you later man

thanks Charlie

take that that's jonathan everybody macron or sorry i'll type it you type in what you're saying

you're saying what you're doing well i guess all right do we still have the number to the barbecue

restaurant and if so do you think it'd still be open the ones that cussed us out so badly the

other day ago hey i thought you would charge your people yeah i have it i'll find carlito i posted

a number to the the mall that we uh totally disrupted yesterday and they're very stupid

there i heard some of those that's the largest mall in hawaii right no no no this is actually

in washington state um okay but we got we got uh we got them to kick like 40 something people

out of jurassic world and stop the showing and throw out a bunch of cinnabon icing and a whole

bunch of stuff oh i heard you getting connected to cinnabon and you're really excited about it

i remember you're like yay cinnabon i heard that yeah yeah yeah all right robin's to destroy some

ice cream as well like a whole tub of strawberry ice cream by putting bleach in it yeah we said

that it was contaminated with

cum in the factory, or bodily fluids.

Oh my god, are you kidding me?

No, don't check out my show yesterday.

It was awesome.

I'm sorry that I missed that one.

I will put it up as a YouTube video

this weekend for you guys.

Alright, I'm just waiting for

Scap to catch up, and it'll let me copy that.

Alright, the number

to the awesome mall.

Yeah, and the greatest thing, Carlito, is that

it's a directory, so you never have to

hang up, and as soon as one of the stores you connect

to hangs up, it puts you right back to the directory.

Oh, cool. So you never need to look up new

numbers or anything. Well, that's convenient.

Cool. It's very convenient. And it's dialed

by name, I think, right? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Alright, I'm dialing it.

And I'll

link the directory of the store.

Vancouver. For additional information about

this shopping center, please

download the Westfield app,

or visit us online at

westfield.com slash

Vancouver. Dr. Lego.

Lego, what's up, motherfuckers?

What's up, Lego?

Did you call Howard?

Did I hit all?

No.

Howard's too mellow now.

He wants to be...

He was trying to be friends with Awkward.

What do we dial, Morgan, two?

You press one.

And then spell?

Yeah.

That was an invalid selection.

Please try again.

No, it said one.

What's KDK?

What does that mean?

Okay, now it's telling you to enter the first three letters of the store name.

So enter, like, LIDS, L-I-N-D-E-R-S-I-C-T-E-Y-O-T-O-O,

can do their own stitching all along what happened i don't know hello hello yeah what up is that lids

i was gonna start rapping rap for us real quick what you got throw it out spit it no do it spit

spit five four three two one go someone needs to beat box this is lids yeah it's lids i don't know

being a doofus. Hey, Liz.

We're calling from locker room.

You may hang up now or press any

key to return to the main menu.

You need to call like a lady.

What's going on, bitch?

You can call the Cinnabon that we spoke to

yesterday. Call a shoe store

and they'll tell you you're from Foot Locker and you're going to start

a beef hop.

Macaron got kicked out of a shoe store last week.

Did he tell you guys about that?

Don't tell them. Is that Sexy Neon?

I'll tell them what to do.

No match was found. Press 1

to try another selection.

Press start.

Please enter the first three letters.

Give me a combination.

What should I do?

Champs.

C-H-A.

Give me numbers.

Here, do you want me to do it?

Yeah, do it.

Which corresponds to the letters.

What is that?

262?

Yeah, 242.

Oh, 242.

Press one.

Charlotte Ruth.

Press two.

It's web.

Please wait to be connected.

There may be a moment of silence.

Thank you.

Is someone chewing?

Yeah, who's chewing?

tell them to tell them you're calling from just sports and that you got their back okay

yeah hey this is rex i'm calling from just sports yeah i'm calling from just sports

yeah uh we got two pallets of your stuff here oh no they just come in for you yeah i signed over

for it we got two pallets of your stuff it's a bunch of t-shirts like you know those single

color t-shirts you guys do like five for 20 or something like that our blank shirt yeah um the

The guys here already started going through the boxes.

Most of the XLs are already gone.

You guys might want to hurry up before they take the rest of them.

Give me that black one.

Give me the black one.

No, I want the black one.

Here, I'll give you the red one.

Wait.

No, you want...

Hang on.

You guys, our shipment was shipped to your guys' store, and there's people going through them?

Yeah, we're trading them.

All right.

You want a black one, Morgan?

Here.

Yeah, give me the black one.

Give me the red one.

I want five of them.

Five of them for $10.

We're selling them for $10 instead of $20.

Until you guys get here.

Okay, well, you can call me back because everything you say is being echoed.

Oh, yeah.

That's probably because there's a lot of people on the conference.

Can you hear that you have a big, fat, smelly pussy?

What?

Appropriate.

Jesus Christ.

Was that her that yelled what?

Yeah.

No, that was me in the background.

Well, I whacked away from the mic.

I was going to be in the background yelling shit about it.

You whacked away from the mic?

I'm really drunk.

I walked away from the mic.

Like I was going to be in the background cutting open boxes and shit, prepping my game, but then...

Cutting?

Cutting boxes?

Or call someone else.

Someone mentioned pussy and she didn't know.

Sad thing.

Smelly pussy.

Sad thing.

Yeah, dial us my...

It's just how to go there, sorry.

My name is Jeff.

You okay?

What is that thing?

your telephone stop for me for some reason though which ones are you done i was trying just for

we got it okay please wait to be connected there may be a moment of silence thank you so many

people it's it's a little shitty laptop i use for skype and phone and it's it's working but it's

like it's 10 people 11 people on skype plus two phone lines going it's like thanks for calling

I'm going back in, Lego.

Everything copacetic?

You good, buddy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I took care of it.

My man.

Lego by Lego.

Is that sports?

Yes, hi.

How's it going?

Hey, I'm good.

We received three boxes of your shirts here.

Okay.

Shitty shirts.

Yeah.

We're going through the boxes.

Okay, you guys want to come pick up the ones that we don't want?

We're at the champ sports.

Yeah.

Like, we, I thought, you know how we have the 5 for 20 shirts, the blank tees?

I thought it was one of those, you know?

shipment so i signed for it but it's actually a bunch of it's like nike shirts in here there's

like chicago bulls it says chicago bulls san diego uh chargers shirts it's not that interesting

yeah um okay all right i'm gonna hold some for you you need to hurry up because dr lego already

took like a whole bunch of them rex rex get me one of those uh the bulls shirts please my boy

all right i'm gonna wash my car with this one right here and you can have this one oh thanks

Alright, you gonna be over?

I need him for my dog.

For your dog's asshole.

And vagina.

Alright, hurry up.

I'm fucking your girlfriend. Come on over.

$15.

Sweating.

Alright, we'll call back.

Is there a Spencer's in there?

We can ask for Dr. Leggo's gross tape.

I don't know if there's a Spencer's.

I put it in the store list.

Thank you for calling Westfield and Cooper.

Yeah, the problem is, I can't, you know, I don't have the dial pad, and I'm so stupid, I can't do it in my head.

Here, I will do.

Again.

That was an invalid selection.

Please try again.

That was an invalid selection.

Please try again.

That was an invalid selection.

Please try again.

That was an invalid selection.

I think it's in the wrong selection.

Please try again.

Okay.

Okay, let's try that again.

It's a valid selection.

Oh, there we go.

and would like to be

directly connected

to one person.

Milkman's getting ripped.

Please enter the first

three letters of the

synatopia.

Press one.

Cinnabon.

Please.

Press two.

Okay, so this is the

Cinnabon that we called

yesterday and we got them

to throw out all their

icing and mix it with

bleach and degreaser.

Please wait to be

connected.

There may be a moment

of silence.

Thank you.

Who's taking this?

You're welcome.

Macron, you talk to him.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

Sorry.

Which store is it?

Cinnabon, the kiosk.

Oh, not again.

Yes?

Yeah.

Yes, again.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Maybe they have to go to Cinnabon, the Vancouver Mall.

Our reservation are Monday through Sunday.

Oh, no, we shut them down.

Well, they're supposed to be open until 9.

Yeah, but they might just be out of icing, dude.

I saw on the internet that your icing had come in yesterday.

I worked at a Cinnabon for one night.

I will never eat their shit again.

One night.

I will never eat their stuff again.

Do you want to try the movie theater again, since we know the manager's name?

Yeah.

I've got an idea for the movie theater, actually.

You shut the movie down.

Yeah, we shut the movie down yesterday.

I'm going to pretend that I was in the movie and see if the rift did shut you down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

I'll try and get evidence.

I'm pretty sure they really did.

Hang on.

Try it again, Margaret, without anyone talking over it.

did call me for sex advice

I'm telling you

I think that was one

Cinetropolis

Spintropia

So he did, Margo?

Please wait to be connected

There may be a moment of silence

Thank you

So, Macron, the woman's name's Sharon

That's the manager

Of the Cinebunk

Oh, no, the movie theater.

And it was Jurassic World.

Right.

He did them a favor.

That was fucking terrible, bro.

Worst movie I've seen yet so far this year.

What color was the dinosaur in the main one?

It was so stupid.

He called a moment.

He was Olive.

Suck when they all die at the end.

I know.

Call and thank you from Wall Street, number 23.

This is Matthew.

I will catch you today.

Hi, Matthew.

I was wondering to speak to someone that could deal with a complaint for me, please.

Yeah, sure.

Sure, I'm a supervisor. I could take a message for you and pass it along to a manager.

Yeah, well, what happened was I was in there with my family yesterday.

We came to see Jurassic World yesterday afternoon,

and for some reason the movie was stopped halfway through,

and we were told to leave. It was kind of weird.

I don't know if you know anything about that, like what happened and why.

We were at this 6.25 showing. Can you maybe tell me what happened?

We were told that, you see, I was told someone was going to call.

I went to make a complaint yesterday, and I was told they were going to call and offer me, like, a reimbursement and a free cinema ticket for the family, but that hasn't happened.

It was also, it was a special trip for my daughter's birthday, and she's very upset now.

All right.

Let me see if I can go home and manage it really quick and see if we can find out a little more information about what happened yesterday.

Super.

Thank you.

Yeah.

If you just wouldn't mind holding for one moment.

All right.

Be in a moment.

I wasn't going to take the call.

I mind.

Sorry, Larry.

Yeah, we don't have time for this shit.

Conspiracy

Jokes

Why is everyone saying conspiracy

What is the inside joke behind that

If you don't know then we have to kill you

You're saying it too Jack

Why do you say it

You're such a follower

I'm sorry

I'm just trying to be a pal

You are a pal

Fucking femme

We got more numbers for Lonesome Loser

We're having fun with this

Maul machine right now

I'm going to toss you a number

where are people throwing your numbers at

throw them in the skype chat here

and then I'll put them in my

notepad plus plus

how long is it

it's 13 inches

this number I'm going to give you is a hotel

in Detroit

I think macro is on

oh is this the barbecue place that got really pissed off

no it's the hotel in Detroit

the lady was like fuck you motherfucker

oh yeah yeah yeah

we called her several times

she's just a fucking bag of fun

that one

hopefully it's the same lady

but she may not

respond because we did playback her

recording and

so we may have scared her off

oh yeah I remember hearing that

that was funny as hell

she hung up really quick after she heard it

absolutely

that would just freak you right out

it would

hey hey what's going on brother how are you i'm doing well how about yourself great great i need

to make the reservation okay uh for in our dining room hurry up i can't hear you what do you want

to make a reservation in our dining room or uh in one of our auditoriums what do you have available

for me to make a reservation in it's a movie theater yeah no i apologize i thought i called

the hotel yeah no i want to buy tickets to the movie yeah i want to buy tickets to the movie

Sorry, I thought I called the hotel. I'm pretty fucking drunk. So is this way is this the movie guy? Hey, there you go

Talk to him. Thank you, bud. Sorry about that, buddy

My cross-purposes there my friend picks up the phone by mistake in the other room cross you fucked up. Oh, not a problem

So what's going on?

What's going on I'm distressed

I thought I was the hotel when he arrived.

Because we were just talking about it, so I just assumed.

That's my fault.

Sorry, Corlito.

You have no assumptions, right?

I know, right?

You're making an ass out of you.

He was asking, though, if you want to make reservations in the dining room.

What the hell?

I guess they have, like, a birthday area.

Yeah, they do dining.

Okay, sorry about that.

What's going on, please?

This is Finitopia.

Your friend was saying you guys were interested in game movie tickets?

No, what I said was my friend picked up the phone in the other room by mistake.

He said game movie tickets?

Yeah, we want the game movie tickets.

But you were going to explain to me what happened yesterday during Jurassic World?

In what regards?

As far as I know, all the showings yesterday ran perfectly fine.

No, not the one I was in, definitely.

There was some kind of problem.

Oh, what one did you go to?

The one yesterday at like 6, 20 past 6, 6 o'clock, something like that.

Can you elaborate on what happened?

I was here all night last night.

Shut up.

All of my grass grows on the screen.

Can you elaborate on what you were doing

whilst I was on hold for like five minutes, first of all?

I mean, what were you doing?

Oh, just now?

Oh, sorry about that.

I had to get to a phone.

What?

You were already on the phone.

Right, and the phone that I was talking on,

it was reverberating back in my ear for whatever reason.

So I wanted to get to a phone

that I could actually have a good conversation.

You spoke to Simon.

It was rude of me. I told you I was an asshole.

All right, settle down, buddy. It's all right.

My friend's very upset here.

We took our adopted daughter to see Jurassic World.

There was a lady there yesterday named Sharon.

Could I speak to her, maybe?

She's actually the assistant GM, but she's not here right now.

I'm the general manager. How can I help you?

Well, I already explained how you can help me.

I mean, what's the problem?

What don't you understand?

Tell him about the guy that touched you in the theater.

Yeah, I mean, this is the other thing.

It wasn't a guy. It just looked like a guy.

It was actually called Sharon.

And, yeah, while I was trying to make a complaint, she grabbed my genitalia.

I don't actually think that's accurate.

Well, with all due respect, sir, I don't.

I'm his wife.

I was actually there with him, and I witnessed it with my own eyes.

I was buying popcorn, and I looked over and saw some lady touching my husband's junk.

I'm very distressed now.

Well, that sounds unpleasant.

If you guys can tell me where and what time, I'm more than happy to take a look at the cameras.

It's probably on video.

It was after we got kicked out of Jurassic World.

It was my daughter's birthday, so I'm wondering why exactly that happened.

They came in right after the previews were done, and they told us all to leave.

They said there was an issue and that we could have free tickets to the 9 o'clock showing instead.

Oh, that's interesting.

None of our shows were canceled.

Are you guys sure you have the right theater?

I'm positive.

Sharon with the big tits.

And Big Sharon.

She said she was called Big Sharon.

Yeah.

She looked pretty different.

That's what she goes by, Big Sharon, or Big, I guess.

Her ass isn't that big, though, to be honest.

So I went over, and I was like, I want to make a complaint, and she just grabbed my junk, and she was like, I think I can resolve that for you.

I was like, whoa, Sharon.

And then I went over there and broke the two of them up, you know?

She looked desperate.

Well, if I could get your guys' names, I can definitely verify the information.

What's your name?

My name's Brian.

Is Joe there?

I prefer Joe.

I don't really, I don't like your tone.

own um can we speak with joe instead um uh joe is here but i'm actually the general manager

better than speaking with you we'd love to speak with joe please he's much more understanding

um well actually anything that joe uh can handle well just just please please

this is a very sensitive issue it's sexual assault essentially um and joe seems to be a

a little more understanding than you. I don't really like the

tone that you're taking with us, so...

You tell them. We'll wait for Joe,

please. Thanks. While I'm

waiting, do you have any man-boy-

boy-man type magazines that I

could read?

I have lots. I'll pass you a few.

Thank you. Told you he was an asshole.

Passed his joint. Where's Joe?

Damn it. I'm still distressed.

What are you going to do about this? It's okay,

honey. I'm going to talk to Joe

and he's going to work it out for us.

It's okay, honey. We'll have to put you

in some counseling if need be i mean she's not supposed to touch my special areas like no one's

supposed to touch it except me um hopefully we can get the movie theater to pay for you know

the cost of counseling and well what about that time i was drunk that doesn't count all right okay

i mean like yeah i'm so distressed i'm about to start sniffing glue again and this is your fault

it's not my fault um it's our adopted daughter's faults because she's from africa yeah if she

wasn't around we've this wouldn't have happened so keep that breaks don't forget about the tax

credit that you get from from her oh that's that's the only reason you know i thought you were getting

that because she had the two heads oh no she's not a mongoloid are you just still there on the

phone buddy just like wheelchair dwight that's siamese brian hey brian brian brian give us

We need to speak with Joe

Brian have you gone to get Joe

Or are you just listening like a weirdo

He's just listening like a fucking weirdo

You think so

He's not touching himself

Down the phone is he

He's coming in a popcorn

I know he was lying

Because they did definitely

End those two movies yesterday

We walked out of the theater

We were there

we were there exactly i was looking at the ground and i was kicking the ground i know because you

were and you were saying jurassic world i need jurassic world and you kind of threw a little

bit of a tantrum but i'm sorry i was just upset i know it's understandable i said shit in front

of a kid yeah he did he said a lot more than that i don't know if you recall you fucked his mom

later don't act like you're sorry for that you took his mom home and had sex with her i just

seriously dude that was an awesome score though like milf of the century oh she's here now this

is joe thanks for holding fuck you joe joe joe joe yes hi um hi there and so we were at uh this i

think it was like the 6 p.m uh screening of jurassic world in the sky something auditorium

or whatever yesterday can i just say the popcorn was stale the popcorn was a little stale it was

It was for my daughter's birthday, but we were told to leave after the first previews, and we spoke with...

You were sitting in the living room skybox with your daughter?

Yes, yes, I believe so. Or maybe it wasn't the skybox. I don't know.

It was in one of them. It was for the six-something showing of Jurassic World.

And then somebody came in, and the movie stopped playing, and they said that they had to end the movie

and that we could get free tickets for the 9 o'clock showing.

showing and so i'm just waiting for some like someone was supposed to call us back and let us

know like why this happened because it sort of ruined our daughter's birthday all right so what

i can do for you then i'm really sorry about that is if you give me your first and last name i can

leave tickets in our will call for you guys and then the next time you come in you guys can pick

up uh the tickets there and we'll listen there's another issue that's uh you know you know why like

why did it happen uh why did it happen it was just part of uh just a bad set list and we were uh

I just told them that we'd stop it.

Sorry, you were told what?

It was part of a bad set list, so we just needed to stop it.

Okay.

What does bad set list mean?

I've got another issue, though, sir.

Our daughter, she cried all the way home.

She was so upset because she really wanted to see this movie.

And I suffer from stress and PTSD,

and when I got home, I just lost it,

and I just punched her in the face,

just smacked her straight in the face.

And now we're looking at a lawsuit here,

Okay, so this is a bit more serious than just a free ticket.

You know, I punched her right on the nose.

No.

If you would like to give me your name there, sir, we can take care of that for you.

His daughter's filing a lawsuit against him.

Yeah, I mean, she called the police and everything.

She's a cunt.

Well, that sounds like an issue between you and your daughter if you punch her in the nose.

I'm not talking about his daughter like that.

Whoa, whoa.

She has two heads.

For your tickets, if you'd like to give me your name, I can totally put tickets in our will call for you because that I can do.

But you punching your daughter in the face, that's...

That's outside of our business.

She deserved it.

She hit him first.

Yeah, but she was crying all the way home.

She asked for it.

That's, that's...

I like titles.

Well, that's...

What happened to your guys' car on the way home?

What's with your tone there, dick lips?

We're trying to give you information and you're being an asshole.

Yes.

Joe, let me ask you something.

Well, would you guys like to give me your name so that way I can leave you guys something

and we'll call?

Joe, hold on a minute.

Let me ask you something on a serious level.

level um okay because obviously if this whole thing is getting very confusing and there are

people that there are people involved here that really are going to need therapy from this whole

incident um and i just wanted to know that maybe um i find your voice to be pretty sexy and i was

wondering if maybe you and i could you know maybe go out and talk about it a little on a serious

note no uh thank you for the compliment but no that's all right like i said dealing with the

original issue of you guys

not getting to see the show or whatnot,

I'm more than happy to take care of your tickets

and everything. Leave them in our will call for you.

Alright, are you ready for my information, sir?

Just give it to them.

Last name of Ger, G-E-R-R?

Oh.

Okay, first name?

My first name is Nick.

Okay, M-I-C-K?

M-I-C-K.

Okay, perfect.

Alright, awesome.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me give you my...

Because I was with him, and I'd like a ticket as well, okay?

My last name is L-A-D-D, lad.

First name, Sal.

And then I need a ticket, too.

Give me just a second here, guys.

I'm going to throw you off.

I need a ticket, too.

My last name is, I also have your information, McClellan.

And my first name is Jim.

That is no joke.

It's just my name.

Can you put down Bologna?

Go ahead, Rex.

Bologna.

Go ahead.

Oh, yeah, and I'm Morgan Snake Eyes with an M.

Morgan with an M.

All right, you guys.

Thank you for calling.

My name is Heat Seeking Moisture Missile.

Joe, wait a minute.

Joe, don't go yet.

What was your name, Joe Mamma?

Joe, can we all come there and just make love to you?

Actually, this is no longer Joe.

This is Brian again.

Brian.

We didn't actually cancel any shows yesterday.

I do know that you guys called yesterday based on the same phone number.

So if you want to scam a theater in the future,

I recommend not calling one that has a caller ID.

Oh, get it.

Your name is fake that you gave us.

Yes, I will be passing your phone number along to the police for actually working an illegal act by doing fake phone calls and scamming.

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, shut up, shut up.

Please feel free to call our corporate office that has already been fully informed about this.

5-0-3-5-0-7-6-9-0-4.

Thank you, guys. Have a good day.

Ryan, Ryan, bearing in mind that you've got caller ID, I just want to say something.

Hold back, hold back.

Fucking Brian.

Morgan, go ahead, Morgan.

I hate Brian.

Morgan can't hate Brian.

Yeah, Patches, yeah.

Oh, it dropped, it dropped.

I'll get it back.

And I can call, if you have the number, I can call as well and throw him in here.

Oh, that's fine, I got it.

Oh, that's so good.

I got it, I got it.

Oh, I hate Brian.

He's like, okay, this girl.

For additional information about this shopping center.

It's Gers.

It sounds better.

If you know the name of the store you are interested in and would like to be directly connected, press 1 now to hear them.

Cross Valente.

Please enter the first three letters.

Baloney, not one.

Baloney.

Cinetopia.

Press one.

Cinnabon.

Press two.

Press one, damn it.

That was an invalid selection.

It wasn't.

Please try again.

That machine told you.

Cinetopia.

Press.

Pinocchio.

There we go.

Cinetopia.

Hey.

Please wait to be connected.

There may be a moment of silence.

Thank you.

I'm talking Brian.

I really hate Brian.

Yeah.

He's a real mc-asshole.

Joe is much nicer.

So I believe we press zero now.

I bet Brian was raised in Montreal like the rest of the assholes.

Yeah, I wish Brian was raped.

I really hope he was.

Hello, we're calling Centopia 23, the Vancouver Mall.

This is Mackenzie.

How can I help you?

Mackenzie.

Can I speak with Joe?

Hi, how can I help you?

Can I speak to Joe, please?

Or Brian?

Yeah, just one moment.

Can we make a formal complaint about Brian?

Let's make a complaint about Brian.

May I ask what it's regarding?

It's regarding a formal complaint.

Mackenzie, what's your position there?

Mackenzie, what's your position there, please?

She put us on hold.

She put us on hold, that fucking bitch.

Yep, definitely Quebecers working at that place.

Big bitch.

Her name's Mackenzie.

Like, she's been touched by at least two uncles.

She's got a man's name.

It's a stripper name.

It is.

It's a cute name.

Hey, guys, it's Brian again.

How can I help you?

Oh, fuck you, Brian.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're wanting to make a formal complaint against you, Brian.

so uh can we talk to joe maybe you guys want four day alone to the corporate office

no we are the corporate office we are the corporate office this has been a test that's

awesome because i actually have everybody on speed dial what's your guys's name

my name is kendra we already told you this we've been in our corporate office

joe will remember me from yesterday when i spoke with sharon and joe yeah actually i know all about

that and uh we uh didn't tell you the truth when we told you we were going to cancel that

showing because well after we got the phone we called our uh our film buyer we called our

director of operations and it turns out nobody actually said that oh so well essentially i

wasted all your fucking time anyways so mission kind of accomplished there

no honestly i'm actually kind of bored i wouldn't say you're wasting my time but thank you

yeah you're welcome anytime anytime fuck you brian brian can i ask you a question have you

You've been to the Cinnabon recently, or the Baskin-Robbins.

Baskin-Robbins, yeah.

Have you tried the strawberry ice cream?

No, I haven't.

Not in a while.

Have you heard about the strawberry ice cream?

It got contaminated with semen.

It got contaminated with bodily fluids, so we made sure they threw out all the strawberry

ice cream and the Cinnabon icing yesterday.

You should go talk to them.

Brian, on a serious note, seriously, Brian, hold on, hold on, I'm kidding.

When you were like a kid, did you ever, like, blow bubbles?

I bet he's a nerd in real life.

Quebecers don't blow bubbles, they blow dicks.

I'm going to come down there tomorrow and flip the box

You guys fucked it all up for me

I'm sorry, it was my fault

I said something first

I hate Brian

I hate that a lot, honestly

Not many people like me

I know, I can tell

His mom likes him

His mom likes me, actually

You're a pretty unthinkable guy, though, Brian

Maybe you should work on that a little bit

No, I have a nice person

from Joe. Joe's likeable.

He's personable. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. He's sexy. Joe's likeable

and personable and, you know, he's a nice

guy. So try to be more like Joe, okay?

Right. That's why I hired him as a manager. He's

good with people. Well, he's going to take your

job soon. Brian, if you let

us all in the theater

for free, there's 25 of us here right now.

If you let us all in for free, we'll

let you off the

hook. Yeah. We're huddled around the pay phone.

Off the hook for what? I haven't done anything. She'll suck your dick.

I feel like my wife would object to that

what's her phone number can we call her

he doesn't have a wife he's lying

what's the wife's name

a guy like this couldn't be married

he's in a relationship with McKenzie

he's married to a homeless woman

he clearly has small dick syndrome

and that's where the assholishness is coming

You may hang up now or press any key to return to the main menu.

Hey, I've got to run to the restroom real quick.

I'll be right back.

While we do that, we're going to play the best of Charlie, Charlie Sy,

our good friend from the Honolulu, what is it, the Dew Drop Inn.

Dew Drop Inn.

Yeah, so many people have called this guy, not just me.

Who the asshole would call him, Carlito?

Who fucking does that?

I don't know.

Who would fuck with him?

Who would do Pepsi orders with them?

I'm with them.

All right, let's play that out.

I'll be right back in a few.

Thank you.

Do I have the wrong number?

Is that what it is?

Hello?

Do I have the wrong number?

Is that what it got?

You're stupid, man.

Really stupid.

Hey, come on.

You're stupid.

Why do you keep saying hello, hello?

You don't listen?

I'm talking.

No, this is a Chinese restaurant, not Masachi, okay?

This is a stupid restaurant, a stupid asshole.

It doesn't know what to say.

I'll fuck you.

I'll fuck you first.

Bastard talking to me like that, son of a bitch.

and then do you people like urinate

and shit in the food or something over there

because they got so fucking sick the other day when I ate

I fuck you you know

fuck you someone

you now call okay I call please you know

oh come on man

look I wasn't being serious

I'm sorry

I'm fucking you

I'm sorry

fuck you

I'm sorry please

Please?

Fuck you, you.

I'm sorry, you asshole shit.

Get out of here.

I'm sorry, asshole.

Get out of here.

Stupid shit, asshole.

Yeah.

No, I cancel my order, okay?

No, no, I have you down.

It's coming.

It's going to be there tomorrow between 8 and 5.

You crazy?

It's $3,000 something?

$3,279.47.

You crazy.

You very crazy, you.

Do you want your confirmation number?

No, no, no.

No, I can't.

Confirmation number is you take a big shit in the toilet

and you give it to people in a box like it's food

and you put it in the microwave for five minutes

and it's a big shit and piss in the toilet.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

I fuck you, you understand?

Why do you say that?

You so stupid, you fuck you, son of a bitch.

You is a mother of a bitch.

You understand?

No.

Can you come to my store, okay?

I do or don't?

I fuck you, you son of a bitch, you.

What's the problem? What's going on here, sir?

You come to my store, okay?

And for what? You're going to throw $3,279.47.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

No, I say I don't need an appetizer, okay? You understand?

Did you make a shit in the toilet and then not wash it?

I fuck you, you son of a bitch. You fuck you.

You every time come and call my place to order something, you not pick up.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

That's not nice, sir.

Okay, if you come

young, so you come

and stop. And what?

Fuck you, son of a bitch, you. You gonna shit on me?

On me? Hello?

Are those raisins in the rice or did you

put shit in it? Tell me the truth.

Yeah, if you want to put, okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Raisins or

I asked my doctor to call you,

okay? Your daughter? No,

my doctor. Your doctor?

Yeah, so you're sick

already, you know. You understand?

No, no.

I just got back from the hospital.

I'm a fucking son of a bitch, but fuck you.

You understand?

I'm sorry.

Ow.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

Don't do that, please.

That hurts my ears.

You're so stupid.

You're stupid.

Go back to Shanghai.

Your sister used to cook food, right, in Los Angeles?

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

You understand?

Your sister makes bad food in Los Angeles, too.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you stupid.

Yeah, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Chingale, tuan.

You understand?

Yes.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

No.

Ah.

I'm not a chivalrous son of a bitch.

Sir?

Hello?

Can you give me your phone number?

Ah, let's see here.

you stupid are you stupid why you talk about you you're stupid this is serious your daughter's in

jail you don't care you asshole my daughter in the jail i fuck you son of a bitch you

why you talk about you your daughter's in jail forever and we're not going to help her out

son of a bitch you you every time you you you want to call a son of a bitch you yeah

I got you good this time, didn't I, you stupid asshole?

You're a dickhead.

Oh, my.

Oh, my, indeed.

Hey, we're back.

That was Charlie, the best of.

Charlie, comma, best of.

we're here with a whole camaraderie of prank callers with us here macron llama liquor milkman's

with me of course green uh a general awesome rather enigma dr lego dirty aaron made it yeah

what's up man big dwight evil arty jag tv i'm missing anybody mistress morgan

you still here don't be a selfishness neon is here neon's in the chat right yeah

neon's here what's up oh be careful don't talk too loud neon hey it's neon oh man what's going

on guys are you on the liquid valium motherfucking man i bought like tylenol with codeine but like

it's crazy hey you need to put a jolly rancher in that and i forget what else what's the scissor

or rum and vodka?

Oh, shit. I wish, man.

But you gotta

freeze it first. You don't want it to burn

on the way down.

It's funny. I had to take this.

Right now, I was taking the antibiotic.

This shit looks like splooge.

It was the best stuff that went down. I was all,

hell yeah. Whatever works, right?

It's awesome. It tasted like banana.

You sometimes just gotta swallow it,

you know? Are you sure Mr. Neon wasn't just playing

a dirty joke on you?

the problem I'm having is spinning

because I never did that

oh no spins

you gotta swallow

I always do baby

that means two things

just gain like 75 more listeners

Jack just had sex ed at school

he's just figuring all that out

hey guys you guys been here for like

12 hours or what

I've been here for

11 and a half just about

a little less than 11 and a half

um i'll definitely be going past the 12 hour mark because i got a lot of these bits dude i have like

40 i'm probably just gonna play whatever i don't get to i'm gonna play at the very end because

right now as it stands there's 51 minutes left to best of and i'm feeling like just doing pranks

so i'll just a lot of them are funny these erin are you here dirty erin dirty erin yeah i'm just

muted oh hey man what's up anyway i was saying what's up welcome here yeah man yeah welcome

i've been listening all day yeah let's let's take a minute to listen to this is one of dirty errands

this one's really funny this i got a best of i made i made the real you do you got you and

jim stewart ended up with a 357 bullet in your dick oh yeah dwight loves this one too yeah this

is where i i started cracking myself up because i have a lot of shit i gotta do right and that

started a whole nother a whole nother thing yeah yeah it did let's listen to that real quick i'll

hello hello yes hi i'm the super hi i'm the supervisor here did you get something

on layaway um no i put something on layaway that's what i'm saying if you put it in layaway

come on i'm gonna put my associate on he's gonna help you out because i got a lot of shit i got

hello jessica jessica hello jessica can can you shut your dogs up so i can talk to you

Who was the original caller?

That was Cross.

He's the supervisor.

I don't know who was cussing.

All I could hear was your dogs barking.

Okay, so I want to know who cussed at me.

I want your dogs to shut the fuck up so I can continue with this call.

Son of a bitch.

I'm turning you in, Brent.

Okay, go ahead.

I got your phone number.

Fuck you.

Listen, you white trash bitch.

I'm sick of your shit.

Is that white trash bitch back on the phone?

Tell that stupid bitch to come down here and get her Triple D bra and her Triple XL panties.

Pick them up. Now.

Right. Hush. They're probably 4XL anyway.

Well, you know what? You guys are being recorded, so I already have this on recording to report you to your store.

Because you are all liars.

So get off your little fucking rocks and go to hell.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Hi, this is Jim Stewart.

Jim Stewart.

Yeah, Jim Stewart speaking.

I believe you got some harassing calls earlier this evening.

Is that right?

Yeah, we've gotten quite a few of them, yes.

I'd just like to apologize sincerely on behalf of everybody here.

We don't normally have this happen, but we've had a team of people who let go this evening,

and basically they've been sitting in the office making very annoying calls to members of the public,

people from layaways, et cetera, et cetera.

So we would just like to sincerely apologize if there's anything we can do for you.

Actually, we've got you on speakerphone, so...

Oh, okay. Okay, great. So you're both there.

Thank you very much.

Well, if you've got a few seconds, then I'd just like to apologize sincerely.

And there is actually, if I can do anything, if I can give you some tokens or something,

perhaps you'd like to come by and spend some tokens over here.

Would you like that?

What are you talking about, tokens?

They're sort of vouchers, gift vouchers, if we can give you gift vouchers or any such thing.

Clothing vouchers, perhaps, something.

As an apology, we'd like to extend that to you.

If you're the senior supervisor, why would you be calling me from a number?

What does it matter, huh?

This is all being recorded.

I have an officer standing here.

I don't give a shit, lady.

Listen, I've got your shit on layaway.

I'm going to throw it all in the fucking bin.

I'm going to burn it.

Do you understand?

Okay, that's fine.

I'm going to burn all your shit, and then you can come tomorrow,

and we'll just tell you to fuck off.

How's that?

You stick your vouchers up your ass.

Yeah, that would be great.

And bring your fucking dogs, too, okay?

I can stink them out.

Okay, all right.

That would be great.

Yeah, and I'd like to put a .357 bullet right in your fucking dick, all right?

Son of a bitch.

You, too.

You're so impressed with your fucking growing up, okay?

Shut up, bitch.

Come over to the store and talk to me face-to-face.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

I'll be there tomorrow, okay?

Yeah, we'll talk face-to-face, bitch.

Talk to my man, Bubba.

He's going to fuck you up.

Hold on.

Yo, white lady.

I'm going to piss on my bitch's dogs.

It'll put a .357 bag in your dick.

In your dick, oh my god.

There you go, that's .357 in the dick.

That comes around the holidays is my favorite time to do prank calls, I always say.

Starting around October.

I remember that one, a fucking classic dude, that is a great one.

Yeah, in October we usually start off with the layaway calls.

That was what that was.

Whoa, loud music.

uh you know brad will uh call some layaway place you know kmart layaway departments and say hey

can i get last 10 layaways you know that got put on and they'll send me the numbers and we'll do

calls like that that was what that was uh one last one i know i'm holding things up but one

last one here before we continue with some more live pranks um speaking of holiday calls my

favorite christmas show we did we do a lot of christmas shows you know and new year's shows

me and brad together and my favorite moment from all of those and i think a lot of the community's

favorite is uh the norad call where i actually called norad and scared the shit out of sergeant

mesa it sounded like and scared the shit out of me for a few days just like oh shit i'm gonna get

a visit from the air force you scared the shit out of all of us what are you talking about that

was horrible yeah this is not a good idea to do this but i did it anyway in a very moment of lapse

judgment let's listen to that it's only like a minute something long and we'll get more to

we'll get back to more prank calls rather thank you for calling the thorat track santa hotline

radars indicate santa has launched off from the north pole norad santa tracker will be with you

in a moment norad track santa this is sergeant mesa how may i help you yeah sergeant mesa this

is looking glass all right sir how can i help you this is good confidence is high oh yeah we have

three inbound tracks from the soviet union impact points what is your state of readiness please

Master, it's Colin again.

This is Looking Glass. What is your status, please?

I believe you're calling the NORAD site.

Yeah, exactly. This is NORAD, and I'm Looking Glass, and I'm carrying out an order, an executive order from the Commander-in-Chief.

We have three impact points, three incoming traps from the Soviet Union.

Can I have a confidence-level report, please?

Now, is this real world?

Yeah, I need a confidence-level report, please.

Will you hold for one second, sir?

Okay.

This is a horrible idea, Carly.

you're gonna start a nuclear war and it's gonna be our fault oh shit you're gonna die we are at

defcon one yes i just placed the fucking western seaboard on alert so that's that norad it's it's

been done uh let's get into those uk wake-up calls nunu's screaming at me to do them uh you

guys here with me still nunu can scream all he wants he can't find good numbers yeah he needs

He's going to find good numbers.

Nudu's a fucking traveler himself.

Nudu, you think he's the one who's got a caravan?

Nudu is an old wanker, man.

Yeah, he is.

All right, UK wake-up calls.

We got Jay Davies.

Jay Davies.

Who wants it?

Who wants it that doesn't have it done a call yet?

Neon, I don't know if you should be pranking, Neon.

I don't know.

I think I'm just going to chill.

Yeah, just chill.

I'm just happy to be here, guys.

Yeah, just chill.

Just chill.

Who's...

Dwight?

Yeah, I haven't heard you in a while.

I'll do it.

All right.

I'm still doing my recording thing if we find anything good.

Shut the fuck up, General.

Fuck you.

Oh my god.

He said shut up.

Shut up, shut up, General.

Oh, shut up.

Good evening.

How you doing tonight, ma'am?

What?

This is...

Yeah, don't say what to me.

I'm trying to talk here, you dumb old bitch.

So what's the morning, dumbass?

It is nearly five o'clock here.

It's time to wake up.

I'm surprised you're still up, Mac.

I don't sleep.

I'm a machine.

cheat uh yeah i will sleep at some point i didn't want to miss this this number isn't going through

we'll call the next davies same concept i wouldn't be surprised if macron is really like computer

cybernetic organism cybernetic computer letty said cybernetic prank calling when katie k was

on earlier and he was like i want to talk to some old people i was like connect his ass with letty

oh yeah but then he would have been yelling you're sad back at me oh man i should have put him on

He got real defensive when you asked him about his website.

Yeah.

I pulled back on that.

Oh, shit.

Hello, Ms. Davies?

Hi, I'm calling from the United Water Transportation Department.

Yeah?

Regarding your water service, have you flushed the loo in the last hour?

Could you flush it for me now and tell me if the water comes through red or clear?

Do you know what time it is?

I know, but there's a water.

Big problem with the water.

Okay?

All right.

Thank you, honey.

I'm sorry.

The water in the tank was clear.

And do it one more flush

Do you want me to turn the cold water down?

Yeah, yeah, because there's

Yeah, can you do that?

We're testing because

I know there's a water problem

Because we had it yesterday on the road, didn't we?

Yeah, you did, you definitely did

And I'll tell you what happened

Did you know what it was that happened?

What they did to the water?

I don't know what happened

Someone connected 10 tons of feces

Into the water supply

Oh my goodness

Yeah, so it's coming through

true uh do you smell any does the water have a smell to it it's a kind of yeah it's not yeah

it has feces in it then it's um yeah yeah but it has kind of a blah to it right a little bit of

blah i think the smell yeah that's not good that's not good all right well um did you can you brush

your teeth and tell me if there's a different flavor i won't do that okay well but um all right

Alright, be sure to, I need you to boil all your water, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, alright.

Yeah.

Until we, yeah, boil your water, because it has feces, doody shit in it.

Um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna connect my supervisor just so he can tell you one last very important message.

Go ahead, supervisor.

Okay.

It's Mr. Mack.

Hello.

Mr. Mack.

Hello, ma'am.

Hi.

Hi, can you hear me, ma'am?

Yes, yes, I can hear you, yeah.

Oh, good, okay, sorry about that.

Got a problem with the phone system here.

yeah you're noticing the smell with the water is that correct yeah what we need you to do first of

all just to get the feces out of the because what it'll it'll be stuck in your pipes and everything

within the house you need to turn on all the taps in the house so the bathroom taps the kitchen taps

the bath the sink turn them all on and you'll notice it it'll slowly run through anybody going

to um check the meters before we're doing this because you know we are all on the meters at the

the moment yeah what we'll do what we'll do is we'll come around in the morning uh we'll be there

in about four hours actually and we'll reset the meter for you uh but while i'm on the telephone

if you could just go ahead and switch on all the taps for me and let me hear them thank you great

um do i have any reference for that call do i have anything because you know yes i can give

a pen. Our reference number will be LLAMA4206910. So 6910. My name is Macron. Mr. Macron. I'm

the supervisor here. Yes. And you just spoke to my colleague, Mr. Cross, who's in charge

of environmental safety here. Okay. And what about my numbers? Where as well? Well, we're

actually, I mean, you could do me a favor, actually. What could you turn on all the taps

maybe and then just to save time could you go and knock on the neighbor's door and let them know

what's happening do you know in the morning well ma'am it's imperative that we do this now you see

the problem is the feces is all stuck in the pipes in the system and there's a good chance of

it spreading diseases and things like that if we don't get it cleared out anything coming through

yet no you need you'll need to leave it running and you will eventually see the feces start to

come through good um ma'am are you on a cordless telephone are you on a cordless telephone

phone a wireless telephone i'm on the wireless yeah oh great i mean i was wondering could you

go and knock on the next door neighbor's door and and maybe hand them the telephone so i can

speak to them that would save us a lot of time and obviously they'll be more comfortable

it's very important i mean particularly do they have any children there okay yeah it is imperative

that we clear this out the system and obviously children are more susceptible to these kinds of

diseases and things um but yeah if you could go and just just bang on the neighbor's door and

hand them the telephone and i'll explain to them what's going on wonderful thank you maybe you

could knock again a bit louder maybe if you've seen this fly turn the water on through hi guys

sorry first we have the problem with the water but yesterday accident was happened the fish is

saying the water fly with the phone call now from the water supplier guys to turn the water on

sorry about the hours they called me as well would you like to hand them the telephone and i'll

I'll explain to them about the meter.

Can I pass you the phone to one of my neighbors, okay?

Yes.

What's your neighbor's name?

My neighbor is Darren Davis, okay?

Okay.

One moment.

Hi, Darren.

I'm really sorry to do this to you.

I'm a friend of Miss Davis.

I'm not actually from the water company.

Could you maybe take the phone inside so I can just speak to you in private for a moment?

Okay.

Can Miss Davis hear you?

What?

Did we lose him?

Hello?

It dropped.

Oh, no.

It dropped when he went inside.

Shit.

I'll turn it off.

What are you going to tell him?

You should have said she's crazy.

You don't know what she's talking about.

All you guys that are saying that Macron and I look alike,

there's a reason.

He's my brother, obviously.

So the secret's out now.

Okay, no problem.

All right, what it is, I'm a friend of Miss Davis.

I'm a friend of Miss Davis.

I'm a personal friend of hers.

I'm not from the water company at all.

She didn't know how to tell you this herself,

so she asked me to do it,

but she's actually in love with you she's in love with you and she just doesn't know how to explain

it she wants you to go back out there and and just kiss her would you just go and kiss her maybe are

you not interested hello could you put miss davis back on the phone maybe i mean she asked me to do

this i i feel a bit awkward but now hi miss davis yes i am not sure what's going on he doesn't seem

to think i'm from the water board it's very strange maybe he misheard me or something but

you need to get him to turn on all the taps as soon as possible okay um maybe if you could go

Maybe go into his place and just assist him with that?

Well, I think the best is if somebody from the...

Because I've got a situation where actually neighbours don't believe it.

Well, ma'am, we've got a lot of people to call, that's all.

And, you know, you're in the flat, is that correct?

You're in the block of flats.

But the guy said that I'm in love with my neighbour.

Did you say anything like that?

What? You're in love with your neighbour?

Ma'am, I don't think that's appropriate.

That's none of my business, really.

I think that my neighbor's saying that you said that.

No, no, not at all, ma'am.

There's some confusion here.

Okay.

Are you in love with your neighbor?

Pardon?

Are you in love with your neighbor?

I mean, he said you were quite attractive.

I don't know why he mentioned that.

All right, then.

I will recall this, and I will obviously phone the appropriate authorities about that.

Which authority is that, ma'am?

That is the East Water.

The Water?

Well, I am from the Water Authority, ma'am.

I'd appreciate it if you don't waste our time by calling back again.

Okay.

All right.

I finished the phone call now.

Thank God I didn't lose the phone.

Before you go, could you knock on another door, please?

No, I don't.

Why not?

All right.

Well, ma'am, go back inside.

Can you tell me if the feces is coming out of the tap?

She's gone.

That's fine.

That was awesome.

But, yeah, okay.

I love it.

That was good stuff.

Let's real quick call the Homa Hotel.

This is a hotel in Iran, in Tehran, Iran.

Oh, yeah.

God, I've called, uh, Lonesome sent this to us, uh, years ago.

I called them a few times.

They never got as angry as they did the first few times, but let's see.

It's been a while, and...

They are desensitized, I would say.

Yeah, maybe they're...

Maybe they'll be nicer now because we have come to, uh, some kind of agreement with them

that everyone thinks is a bad deal.

Yeah, hi, Monkey, how are you?

Hello, sir.

Hi.

Thank you.

Is this the front desk?

Hold on, please, hold on.

Okay.

Yeah, hi, Monkey, how are you?

Come on.

I just said monkey.

Really?

All right.

Racist.

Oh.

That's not a racist term for Persians.

Persians can be called monkeys.

They don't know.

Racist.

They found this number.

This is a good one, guys.

Hold on, please.

Okay, honey.

What's up, Shantana?

Is this the front desk?

Yes, how can I help you?

Yes, I'm visiting here.

I'm with Mossad, and I'm looking for a place to play tennis.

Okay, I should give you a number.

you can call them what is this is the tennis place yeah is there a place here

on this hotel that I can play tennis yeah we have tennis courts but you

should write a number and call them in person okay can I be can I be Jewish and

play tennis here there's no problem sir there's no problem with you me being a

Jew yeah there is don't lie because this is really big down with Israel on the

front of the hotel it's a well-known fact I've seen

They never bite that well like they used to.

That used to be a Hilton, from what I understand, back in the day.

Until the revolution.

Does anyone want to talk to the Flamingo Gay Resort in St. Pete, Florida?

Anybody?

What the fuck is Sebastian does?

All right, Sebastian, you're on.

And then we'll punch Neon in.

Thank you for calling the Flamingo Resort.

If you know your party's three-digit room number, you can dial it at any time.

For rates or reservations, please dial 0.

Thank you.

Do what now?

Oh, we need his zero.

Shit.

I'll be a loss.

Where's Brad?

I added him to the call here.

He's gone.

Flamingo Resort, how can I help you?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Thank you for answering.

I want to make a reservation.

Okay, could you hold on, please?

Oh, just briefly, Jesus.

I'll be right with you, okay?

Okay, just go ahead.

Why the real voice?

I think so.

Explains a lot.

Trouble with that.

you wouldn't believe you wouldn't believe the things that go through to get a fucking baloney

poop i just cried probably how you call it the diabetes i joined the band because i wanted to

learn how to play the fucking skin flute rent a dingo in australia what who a fucking dingo

what is a dingo it's a kind of dog animal a dingo why would you rent a dog it makes no sense are

Are they, like, hunting or something?

They're fucking vicious, man.

They eat people's babies.

Are you serious?

Why would you rent one to eat babies?

For parties.

Like, baby-eating parties?

Yeah, like a baby shower.

Renting a dingo is cheaper than raising a child.

Wait, I'm going to do my neon voice, you guys.

Oh, my God.

I can't fucking do it.

Oh, my God.

You can't rent dog dingoes to eat babies, Neon.

That's not nice.

Okay, are you ready?

Yeah, Jesus Christ, let's do it.

Hello?

Hi.

Yes.

Thanks for folding.

You're breaking up, I can't hear you.

When did you want to schedule your...

Oh, see, I'm coming in on Tuesday.

Tuesday the 21st?

Yeah.

Okay, when did you want to check out?

I'm going to check out that Friday.

Friday the 24th.

Mm-hmm.

Hold on.

Okay.

I'm on the phone.

Okay, all righty, so check in on the 21st,

check out on the 24th.

Do you have a room preference?

Um, what, uh,

what, like, I'm, I'm, it's just

me traveling, but I will have

some guests that will be coming to visit,

so I need enough room for them to be,

like, in the room with me. Okay, so you

want to double? Yeah, they're not going to stay

the night or anything, but I just, I need room

uh, so they're comfortable when they

come in to sit down. Okay, well, if you

have, if you have a room with, uh, two beds

in it, then there's plenty of, you know.

Oh, there's plenty of room? Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

So, like, if someone decided they wanted to stay the night, what kind of charges are on this?

Two people are under, you know, what the room rate is.

But for each additional person, it's an additional $25.

$25.

Okay, because I'm here for the convention.

I don't know if you know about the convention.

It's down at the Best Western.

We rented out one of their hall rooms.

It's the Gay Americans Convention.

and like after it's all over i

think we'll just play through and we'll come back to my room they're not gonna stay the night or

anything but there's gonna be like 25 you know just this butch gay men in my room for a couple

hours. There's no way

25 are going to fit in that room.

We'll make it fit. Don't worry about

that, but the double sounds fantastic.

There's no way you're going to get that.

Ask about the ice machine.

We'll push the beds together, and I mean

that'll free up some floor space.

There's a bathroom.

People can get in the showers.

There is not that much room in those rooms.

We'll do shifts.

We'll bring them in. We'll have, you know,

how much hallway space do you have?

We don't have closed-in hallways.

I mean, don't worry about the cleanup.

We'll put down tarps and stuff.

We're very clean people.

Okay, whatever.

Don't talk to me like that, bitch.

I'm the only bitch on this line.

Be nice.

Be nice to her.

Whatever.

Be nice.

If you think you can work it out, that's okay.

Listen, you want to come up?

I won't charge nothing.

I'll let you come right up to the room, and we'll just watch as fuck, and you can work the cameras.

No, that's okay.

She better pay us.

Do you want upstairs or downstairs?

Oh, no, I go upstairs.

I'm not a bottom, sweetie.

I go upstairs.

TMI.

No, no, no, I don't have HIV.

No, I don't have that.

Okay, do you want a courtyard side or a parking lot side?

Well, I would prefer courtyard.

Is there a lot of people out there, like, on the courtyard side?

It depends from night to night or week to week.

Okay, because when we do what we're doing, I'm taking the goddamn shades and curtains down.

They're going to get a full preview.

No, that's not going to happen.

I'm going to have a fucking DJ in there.

It's going to be great.

Management is not going to have that.

They're not going to appreciate you taking down.

I paid my money.

Management doesn't have any say.

You can't even kick me out because that's an illegal eviction.

For the amount of money that you're paying and you're going to take down the curtains, I don't know.

I'll put them back up.

I don't want them up there.

I want light.

I want to see what the hell is going on.

I want to see all the boils and everything on people's ass necks.

Jerky voice.

Okay, that's fine, but then you can open the curtains.

You don't have to take them down.

Oh, okay.

You know, because the curtains open.

But they do.

You can just leave them open.

Oh, this is one of them highfalutin fucking establishments, isn't it?

No.

You can leave the curtains open.

Well, no.

In some places, they don't even have curtains.

I'm just like, Jesus Christ.

You haven't been to our website, have you?

you no i i usually stay at steamworks you know that is again you broke up for a second what

what did you just say you broke oh i stay at steamworks and shit so you sound you sound

like really nice this i this is a nice gay hotel isn't it i i guess it is yeah listen you sound

you sound almost like a real female because i am a real female no that can't be true um yes

You sound like you got at least, and I'm talking at the minimum, an 8-inch penis.

Not a chance.

What are you talking, were you talking, or did you go through the transition, or what did you do?

Do you understand English? I told you I was a girl.

No, sweetie, you don't need to get defensive about it.

I mean, I understand, you know, you're a man, you're a woman trapped in a man's body, and you do the change.

I am full female. I was born female.

Why are you being such a cunt?

No, I don't think so.

So what'd you do?

You get the breast and you kept the dick?

You know what?

If this is how you're going to carry on this conversation, I'm just going to hang up.

Because I'm not doing it.

You're awfully defensive.

This is bullshit.

No, I'm not defensive.

It's just I don't like the line that this conversation is going.

Let me talk to your boss.

I'm it for right now.

You're your own boss?

I'm it for right now.

There's nobody else on right now.

Well, you can take your dick and just fuck yourself in the ass.

all right um yeah that's one of those places where like they encourage you to leave your

curtains open i guess you know so the other guys can watch what you're doing

one of those gay resorts yeah flamingo resort in st pete okay i'm starting to lose power uh but i've

just about made it to exactly yeah it's midnight but i i started about three minutes into from now

like 12 15 ish or maybe a little more i'm getting there um we could still keep doing prayers because

Because I still got bits to play.

Do it.

Fuck it.

I've got stuff I can take to wake me up if I have to.

You know, Carlito, what fucking made me laugh my ass off

when we were playing the Charlie stuff back

is when we did that Yelp check-in

and accused that guy of masturbating in the bathroom.

And swatting at the parents.

Or the parents, or the parents, whatever.

I listened to that, dude.

I was cracking the fuck up.

Yeah, good stuff, man.

ozzy said you were talking about the dingoes earlier right um ozzy said that they don't even

bark and that they're like a gay version of a wolf yeah but they kill babies don't they i'm not sure

i just thought that was funny that ozzy jack said they're a gay version of a wolf and they can't

even bark a gay wolf that's what he said like a fox that's a gay wolf that is okay that's a very

good point maybe they come back and they're just sneaky they sneak up on your kids

like a cat like a cat fox yeah we have a bunch of those in our chat room there

but the game will soon the chat room i thought there were bears listen we got the grand hotel

and taiwan anybody anybody grand hotel taiwan speaking of looking for chicks with

dicks you better watch out over there too actually i'll talk to them i'll ask

hey lady boy reservation american number one please a reservation for hotel

yep lady boy number one american please just mama please hurry up thanks

yep mushy mush lady boy number one american reservation please yes yes

Yes, number one American reservation.

Yes, ice machine, please.

Ice machine, please.

Hello.

Hello, this is the reservation office.

Hey, reservation.

How may I help you, sir?

Reservation.

Yes, sir.

Number one American, I'd like to make a reservation.

I'm actually the agent for a very, very famous American musician.

We're going to be coming there, and we're going to take up a lot of room in your hotel.

Are you prepared to handle such a request?

Would you mind to send an email to us?

Yes, I do mind.

I'd like to speak with you about it right now, please.

Okay, the arrival date is?

November.

Yes.

November.

Yes.

The date is?

Yeah, November.

November, and which date?

Oh, the date?

October.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, October.

Very good, October.

October, and?

So, are you prepared to handle the request?

How many rooms will you need?

Oh, good grief.

Thirteen?

Thirteen rooms.

Thirteen rooms?

Yeah, thirteen ice machines, yes.

The arrival date and the departure date?

Oh, the departure date? I'm so sorry, I misunderstood you. That would be November.

Okay.

13 rooms, November. Ice machine, please.

And then a special request with nachos and boiled peanuts, please.

And we'll be paying cash.

For how many nights?

Cash with granola bars, please.

Do you take reservations?

Yes.

Okay, great. So do you have the availability?

I should know the arrival date and the departure date.

Oh, the arrival date.

Why didn't you just say so?

August.

November.

Yeah, yeah.

November, August 12th, please.

Number one American.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

For 13 rooms?

No, no, silly.

13 people.

Nine rooms.

13 people?

Yeah.

Nine rooms.

13 penises.

Don't be silly.

Crazy.

13 people.

You're being silly.

You got jokes tonight, huh?

You're playing games with number one American.

No.

in how many single room and how many twin rooms oh how many fingers like four and then two penises

and then one massage parlor please but august the 5th is when we'll be arriving and then if you

could finger us when we got there because they said in the pamphlet here you could do that that

would be great is that all right do you still offer the finger when we get there or no because

it's a really long flight sorry i don't know finger you guys stopped that last year right

Right. Well, my buddy, Mac, you said you stayed there last year and they gave you the finger, right, bud, or no?

Yeah, I got the finger last time, definitely.

She's telling me that she can't figure us when we arrive.

Well, has she given you a price for the dates and the availability?

I've asked several times, but she seems to be beating around the bush.

What is the problem, ma'am, please? Can you tell us how much?

She keeps asking me for the date for some reason. I've told her several times.

Has he given you the date, ma'am?

is that what the number one american discount ma'am and that's checking in in september that's

for september is that correct the checking day is september september yeah thursday oh november

no september not november september september september and september the checking date is

septober and we'll be arriving on tuesday on tuesday the tuesday yeah ma'am what's taking

so long what's the problem please the first of september no the septober the 32nd the first

the first of september no no no no please listen ma'am we we're wanting to make quite a large

booking we spend a lot of money with your company can you please listen we'd like to check in on

tuesday the 32nd of septober okay we've got 13 people and we'd like to stay until halloween

some of them are little people or midgets they might call them in that country don't forget

we need handicapped rooms as well right well the thing is we can fit three midgets to a bed

single bed one dollars per day is that going to be a problem though you think

do we all get fingered when we arrive yeah would you like to send an email to us

Do you take the circus animals, the animals, the special crate for the animals?

Do you still allow them to stay in the lobby?

And do you finger them as well, or no?

It's for the movie.

We don't provide for animals, sorry.

But do you finger the animals in the lobby for the movie that was going to be filmed there, or no?

No, we don't provide that.

Last time I stayed there, ma'am, we received a complimentary prostate massage on arrival.

Is that still available, or do we pay extra?

oh and the the colonoscopy as well yeah yeah we'd like the colonoscopy as well please

on the house it's a reasonable request ma'am we're number one americans with number one

american money and a canadian oh sorry two number one number one american one number one canadian

and one number one question mark i'm number one english as well ma'am there you go number one

great britain what are you doing ma'am that is the question that would make the reservation

Reservation.

If the animals are a problem, we'll just leave them outside.

I'm a woman, American vehicle.

Are you talking to me?

Yes, ma'am.

I am talking to you.

I would like to know if we made the reservation or not.

I've let you speak with both of my friends here, and you're not answering our question.

We didn't call to speak to ourselves, madam.

That's true.

So what time do we check in, and how much does it cost, please, and how can I pay you?

We check in in the afternoon about...

Shut up.

I wasn't finished talking.

See what I did there, Macron?

That was good, right?

All right, so...

What's the...

Ma'am, what's the latest we can check in?

Latest?

What's the latest time we can arrive here?

We're going to get there around...

When will you arrive?

We'll be there around 13.

13 o'clock.

Would that be okay?

Can we speak with her supervisor, you think, guys?

I feel like we're getting nowhere with her.

There's just no back and forth here, is there?

She's just...

I'm sorry, what, ma'am?

We can't check in on 13.

At 13.

No.

Well, the flight doesn't land until...

I think it's like 27, 27 when it lands.

Yeah, the flight lands at 27 on the 32nd.

It's on the gravel, so...

Ma'am, can we please speak with your supervisor?

I feel like we're getting nothing back from this lady.

Would you mind to inform me your arrival day and departure day?

We can keep the room for you.

Oh, why didn't you say that quickly?

Ma'am, you should have just asked.

Ma'am, we're coming in on October the 19th.

Why didn't you just say that, you silly goose?

right now it's october right yes septober yeah jesus why didn't you just say that

number one american canadian great britain time or whatever the other guys sorry

it's october or september or november it's september the 18th ma'am i've just told you

at 27 september the 18th at 27 he told her we wanted to stay till march the 3rd right

I did not yet, but she doesn't seem to, she can't even get the arrival date down correctly.

Farch, F-A-R-T-C-H.

Yeah, Farch.

Farch.

And if you have any availability, I'll help her.

Sevo, Sevo, arrival day.

So would you mind to give a line there?

For Semtober, the 23rd would be nice as well.

Put me down for the next Tet.

Yeah.

Is it true that you guys don't wear panties there?

So when we arrive, we can just smell pussy, or is that like a myth?

Yes.

Because several days we are fully booked.

Oh, your pussy's gone.

Because of the convention.

So would you mind to inform us?

It will be easier for us to check the date.

Well, Semtober, I think.

With or without the room.

September the 18th.

September without the room reservation.

Well, we need 13 rooms is the problem.

Exactly.

The whole floor is what we want.

Yeah, but not the second or third floor.

No, it has to be an odd number.

Yeah.

Maybe you should speak to a man.

I feel like you're right.

Is there a man there, ma'am, that we could speak with, please?

No, what she meant is she needs to speak to a man, mama.

Oh, my bad.

I think she was confused, though.

Sorry, yeah, she was a little confused, yeah.

Just a little.

Speaking of confusing situations, here's another one of our Madhouse Best Ops.

And this is a call I did to the UK.

I kept calling for a while.

I had this thing where me and Nunu had this thing where I would call with the joke of the day.

hey, you're signed up for the joke of the day.

And they're like, no, no, what are you talking about?

And I'll tell them they had to hit a certain key sequence on the phone

to get off of the caller circle machine.

So this guy did it.

He was like, I didn't sign up for this.

He hits the commands.

He thinks he hangs up the phone,

and we hear an entire conversation he has with his wife.

I start making loud noises into the microphone

to get him to pick up the phone again,

and he thinks it's his dog or some kind of pet

or some kind of animal that's stuck under his bed.

Yeah, stuck under his bed.

And he goes crazy crawling on the floor,

and the wife's like, oh, my goodness.

The audio's a little hard to hear during the conversation,

but you'll get the gist when they start looking for Wee Wee,

who I guess is like a chicken or a dog.

I don't know what he said.

But let's listen to that real quick.

I'll be right back.

He said that the number had been automatically put in the system to ring every five minutes

until the call, I don't know, he said put that number, I hope that's right, because

if I put that in, it shouldn't keep ringing and ringing.

Ring everything, ring AT, if it rings again.

and put a block on, and he gave us like a half an hour.

Is it a female?

A male woman from Chicago wanted an invitation to the royal wedding,

and he was given a number for the half of winter.

This number.

So, again, someone was just getting picked on,

but as I said, picked a number out of the 70.

Maybe we'll have a go at her real quick.

That'd be nice.

Well, having a number in the same book would be a good idea.

here's rent a dingo let me take this i guess rent a dingo rents out like machines

haha i get it uh like uh construction like backhoes and stuff oh it doesn't even ring

is that kind of like brad he did that red tahoe red tahoe instead of a tahoe there's a backhoe

company mispronounced tahoe as tahoe no but i love backwards passage australia we have

charcoal chicken do that instead because that one ain't going down charcoal chicken ozzy jack

just got a big old smile on his face when he said charcoal chicken probably jacked off on your face

no no oh my god oh my god about as good as it gets man i made this taco chicken yeah hey stupid i

want to make an order yeah an order yeah what order is that one chicken yeah yeah anything else

uh does that come with the meat pardon does that come with meat meat yeah one chicken yeah how

How many meat comes with that?

Pardon?

How many meat comes with that?

I can't hear you.

I'm sorry.

How many meat comes with that?

How many meat?

What do you mean, how much meat?

Yeah, how much...

It's one whole chicken.

Yeah, but how many meat comes with the one chicken?

What is this?

No, how much meat is on it to eat?

How much meat?

I don't know.

It's for you to judge.

It's one whole chicken.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I don't quite follow.

Because, you know, how many different meats?

It should have, like, a certain number of meats.

Do you mean a certain amount of meat?

Yeah, I mean all chickens aren't the same.

It's 1.2 kilos.

Yeah, but there's bones in that too. How much of that is meat?

I don't know, mate. It starts off at 1.2 kilos.

Do I have to give you the bones when I'm done?

Yeah, it comes with the bones.

Yeah, but what do I do with the bones when I'm done? Do I give them back?

You eat the bones, mate.

No, you can't eat the bones. Don't be silly.

You take it all.

You take it all. You take it all up the bum.

No, that's not how we do things here, mate.

No, you take it up the bum.

You take it all up.

All the meat, take it up the ass.

Yeah?

Yeah.

When are you coming down, Mike?

Well, it depends.

How horny are you?

Eh?

How horny are you?

Yeah, you just come down, Mike.

Do you like girl chickens or boy chickens more?

Yeah, when are you coming down, Mike?

I'll organize it for you.

In 15 minutes.

Yeah?

Yeah, I think that's a fair...

I'm at 48 Menchies Avenue.

Yeah, I know.

I got your fucking address, you stupid.

Yeah, I got your fucking address here.

Yeah, come down, eh?

Yeah.

What's your name?

Yeah, we're going to fuck.

What's your name?

My name is Toast.

What?

Toast.

I don't know, Mike.

I can't hear you, but you can just come down here, yeah?

Yeah.

I'll be waiting for you with the chicken.

Okay, good.

And I'll put it up your asshole.

I'll put it up your asshole.

That's good.

Yeah, I'll put it up your asshole.

I'll be waiting, yeah?

And I'll pull out the bones.

I'll be waiting.

The chicken goes in the asshole, bones come out.

Out of your mouth.

All right.

I'll be waiting.

All right, honey baby.

I love you.

Come down.

Don't be scared, yeah?

All right.

eating in ten minutes, I just said, okay?

I'm not scared of a gay man. I'm not intimidating.

Okay, I'll be waiting. Ten minutes,

okay? Okay, bye. Alright, baby, bye.

Wow, man. Chicken. That was

an odd call, wasn't it, guys? What an

odd chicken that was.

I should just let you guys do the calls, because

I'm getting batty in the head, and I might have

another energy drink with it, and I don't think I'll be able to go

to sleep tonight. Don't do that. Those energy

drinks suck. It's like the fucking

Jäger bombs when you're shit-faced and can't go

to sleep, you know? Yeah, we don't want that,

yeah you pull a long stream dude oh yeah go to bed bro all right all right we'll scrap it up then

no let me don't i mean now okay good going llama yeah like fuck you llama you did it again

no just don't drink any more caffeine man just hang out hang out pull your penis out like get

rid of the ghost on the mattress and chill yeah there's no ghost on the mattress there's a ghost

on the mattress morgan's seen it i've seen it neon i'm pretty sure it's seen it don't speak

for me i didn't see anything i'm sorry it must have been neon neon saw the ghost ghost she doesn't

see ghost she's catholic she doesn't believe in them i'm sorry it was the white then but he was

probably on the diabetes medicine so maybe it's just me jesus we got patty patty manhart who is

the director of the historical society of fremont nebraska and her phone is here we have her phone

a guy answered it but her name is patty um does anybody want it anybody oh ted webb's here

my buddy ted webb you made a ted webb yeah

he's making it

uh anyone want patty man fart i'll talk to patty if no one else wants to no one else is talking

patty man shit sure don't even offer it to me the niggaman doesn't do call these

He offered it to everyone.

How many?

Oh, my God.

Look how many peoples are here.

There's a lot of peoples up in here.

We're going to gang rape bitches.

Girl named Patty.

Rape a white woman.

How was Taekwondo, Ted?

It was good.

I kicked that ass.

Otherwise, please enter the 10-digit.

We got the news desk for News Channel 3.

News Channel 3.

Yeah, yeah.

I got a story I want to report.

There you go, yeah.

News Channel 3.

Dude, this is...

Channel 3 doesn't exist in the United States.

Ah, shit.

Weird.

But okay, this is in Charleston, West Virginia.

Charleston, tune.

I'm telling him you're the next Dylann Roof.

Too soon?

No, it's still...

That's not funny.

Unless you're white.

Calling WSAD Charleston.

Your news comes from press one now to be connected with our Huntington newsroom.

We got an urgent story.

Please wait.

Why am I afraid of what you're going to say?

WSAD, this is Brenda.

Hello?

Yes?

I'd like to report a crime that just occurred.

Okay.

Yeah, so I was by my house, and I was planting, like, some flowers, and I was, like, putting in the windows and the steps, and then somebody came by and just destroyed it.

Like, they poured lava, and they set fire to my house, and I was wondering if I could get on the news so that people can hear my story.

Have you filed a police report?

I called Mojang, and they said they would look up the account.

But, yeah, they said they were going to find the person who griefed my house.

Well, once there's a police report, we'll cover the story.

Okay.

Well, who do I call?

I already have reported it to the gaming authorities.

What's that?

I already reported it to the gaming authorities, and they said that this happens,

and, you know, I just need to do a better job of building my house somewhere where people can't find it.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Can I get on, like, the front page?

Well, we're not a newspaper.

Okay.

Well, can I get on, like, tonight?

No.

Breaking news?

No.

You know how they put the president on?

Okay.

You know, how you cut through to all the channels and you say,

we've got, you know, an important announcement from the president of the United States.

We could do something like that, and maybe you can help me find the person.

No, we won't be doing that.

Why?

Because.

Why?

Because.

I don't have to give a reason.

You're being insolent.

Really?

Okay.

Yeah.

So why?

I'm just telling you the truth.

We're not going to cover it.

Well, what's wrong with the story?

Someone destroyed my house.

Isn't that news?

I don't know, sir.

You don't know?

Wow.

Mm-mm.

Would you cover a story?

I suggest you call 13 or 8.

What?

I suggest you call 13 or 8.

Maybe NBC or something like that.

So you're saying I need to call a better news station?

Sure.

So you're being snobby, aren't you?

You're saying that those stations might carry my story because it's not very good?

Bitch.

That's not at all what I'm saying.

Would you carry my story if I fucked you?

No.

We're transgendered.

We have dicks and pussies.

Really?

opposite bodies and titties lots of tips no i'll suck your dick lady hello no we were having a

caitlin jetter party and somebody really okay did like it what's wrong with your nose dude

it's clear that your vagina is uh drier than the savannah and probably some moistening it's

interesting i have problems ma'am what was your name again that's brenda brenda how's the weather

brenda today how's the weather how's the weather in your game how's the weather okay brenda yeah

Seriously, Brenda, is Jeff

available?

You guys must really be bored.

Yeah, we have a TV that only gets

your Channel 3, and it sucks.

It's the worst channel ever.

It's terrible.

Don't watch.

We're in jail on the horn.

We have nothing else to watch.

It's only what you do with my TV, you fucking bitch.

Yeah, we're pumping iron in the clean.

And only your shitty station

comes up.

What a pupsable...

Good.

Are you going to report us?

Would it be newsworthy if I came over there and peed on your head?

And then came on you?

Well, no, not really.

I think that would be newsworthy.

Why would it be newsworthy?

Yeah.

I'm tuning in.

Would it be newsworthy if Barack Obama admitted that he eats the poo-poos?

Like, I eat the poo-poos.

Look up Don Valtryk at the CAP.

He's your man.

Okay.

That wasn't an okay question.

That was a yes or no question that my friend was asking you.

I don't hire here.

Would it be newsworthy if Barack Obama raped Hillary Clinton?

Jesus.

Well, I don't know.

Would it be newsworthy if you got fucked on live camera?

I don't know.

You like it in the ass?

Yeah.

I think you guys are just considering the recent discoveries.

Did we get the BBC on here?

Yeah, the BBC, the guy from the BBC is on the line.

Oh, my God.

So you're going to cover it, BBC?

Well, yeah, I've been monitoring this call.

Are you not interested in the story at all?

It's going to scoop you.

I'm with BBC News.

I actually have a competing story that involves her.

Would it be newsworthy if they found that Pluto was larger than expected but still fit in her mouth?

I'm just listening.

Well, no, you're talking, actually.

I am not a voucher.

Shut your mouth.

So should we just cut her off and give it to BBC?

How much are you willing to pay?

Good morning.

The time is 6 a.m., and this is the BBC News.

Hello?

How much will you pay us?

Number one Americans, how much will you pay us for the story?

Pay you 1,000 pounds.

What's that?

Ooh, that sounds like a lot.

That's like $2,200, I think, Americans.

You found a written confession of Al Capone.

Will you cover it?

That's 16,000 ounces.

We have some naked pictures of your mom.

Do you want them?

Oh, my God.

She's recording this conversation.

She's going to put it on the news without our consent.

I don't think she has the authority to even make these decisions.

We should probably speak with a man.

Hey, I got breaking news.

Leonard Nimoy just died.

Are you joking?

Recently.

Oh.

For real?

Oh, no.

Live long and prosper.

live long and prosper

are you still listening there ma'am

we're still here

I don't know if she is but

are you there ma'am

are you still listening

she put her hand on her pants

are you becoming moist

is that what's happening

I don't think so

how moist are you

do you want to check

it's my friend's process

it's his 10 year birthday today

can he kiss you on the lips

On the pussy lips, maybe? Or the mouth lips?

It's his 10th anniversary of losing his virginity.

Yeah, he's still there.

Who are we calling?

I'm calling another news station because she's taking too fucking long.

Oh my god.

This movie sounds like a good story.

Hello?

We need to get rid of the BBC or the American news person.

We've got to figure out who we're going to sell this to, guys.

BBC what?

You all listening to BBC One?

Hello, WBTV?

Hi, WBTV. We have a breaking news story.

Hello, we have a breaking news story. It just happened. We're seeing it. We're happening right now.

All right, tell me what's going on.

All right, this van was speeding down the road.

A black van that was black.

It tried to... Hello?

Motherfucker.

Yeah, what did you say?

He doesn't like black people.

Yeah, he doesn't like black things.

I should have never said a black van. My fault.

I mean, that was the clear indication that there was...

Yeah, he's like, oh, they're black. We don't care.

I should have said a white

Oh shit, I was muted

Oops

Oh, that's okay

Neon, your profile

Or not profile, but the picture

One leg looks like it has hair poking out

Oh

Maybe it does lava

My god

Different newsroom

The guy that just hung up

He's not picking up

We will call yet another one Newsroom After 5 and Weekends.

That's what it says here in Rhode Island.

Rhode Island, biggest small state in the union.

Hello, this is Danielle Norris.

You've reached WPRI 12 and Fox Providence.

Press 1 if you know your party's four-digit extension.

Press 2 to spell by name.

Press 3 to contact the newsroom.

Or press 0 to stay on the line.

Eyewitness News.

Hey, I have a breaking news something.

It just happened.

Sure.

What's up?

This van was speeding down the road, and it tried to cross over the rail tracks before the train came.

Okay.

It didn't make it, and the train hit it and exploded really big, and the train went flying.

Where is this?

It hopped the rails, and it went flying on the train tracks, and it went flying.

I'm sorry.

On the train tracks where?

Oh, what's...

Do you know where Camelback Road is?

No.

What town is this?

In Providence.

In Providence, okay.

And then the train went flying up, and it landed back on the tracks, and it stopped,

and the conductor came out and was like,

Hey, you, you can't do that.

He got real mad.

Yeah, and then there was a woman pushing a shopping cart full of stuff,

and she's like, Don't talk to me.

She thought that the conductor was talking to her.

Okay.

And then she started, she went into her bag of stuff, and she pulled out, like, all these basketballs and was, like, hurling them at him.

But they were exploding whenever they would hit.

Like, they were, like, explosive basketballs.

Yeah.

And then Shaq came out of the train.

He's like, I'm Shaq Fu, like that.

And he started kicking.

Okay.

He would kick the basketballs back.

One of them finally exploded.

I am also on the line.

I'm an eyewitness.

I saw it, too.

Yeah.

Shaq Fu was out there.

Okay.

Why don't you guys have a good night, and we'll get into that.

Dwight Howard, the helicoptered in.

You should have started telling them, like, GTA 5 scenarios and shit.

Shaq is kicking him back.

You should have started describing Spaceman.

You were trying to deliver some molly to Lester, and you had to go rob the, what is it, the O'Brien brothers or something?

I had to get the drugs.

I like that she got interested in the beginning.

Yeah.

she's perked up

she's like

where is this

Providence

yeah she's like

oh we got a scoop

at what point

do you think

she stopped believing

in it

with the train

oh she believed

the van

and the train

most of them

have banners

on their banners

so all the local

cameras are covered

fire

emergency

and

yeah your emergency

all of that's covered

so

if they didn't hear it

they're already like

where is this at

yeah

true

but uh yeah

Yeah, I think the basketball.

What was the call sign for that station, the first one we called?

W-S-A-Z, Saz.

Okay, okay.

I know those people.

I know a bunch of them people up in there.

That's why I was saying that shit.

Did you hear she said, oh, okay.

That's their competitors.

I guess so, yeah.

It's a real small market, dude, yeah.

Someone here in Nashville, Tennessee will be waking them up,

but they advertise free elephant garlic.

Elephant what?

garlic free elephant yeah and you gotta fucking dig it up yourself that's fantastic sounds like

some asian garlic

i thought it's something very nice for them all right is it like elephantitis it's like

like enlarged garlic i think so i'm looking at it i just had a filipino yell at me on a webcam

carlito what are you doing talking to filipinos on a webcam i don't know i was having a swearing

match with him he called me a cunt hello hey you got the uh the elephant garlic right hello sir

oh i'm sorry i i had some background noise going on here um okay you got the elephant garlic uh

from the craigslist right yeah yeah listen uh i know i said you gotta dig your own but you want

want to give me an idea where in the yard i should be digging oh i've got it in a bed i have it in a

flower bed it should be oh but yeah that's the thing i'm outside your house and i've been digging

for like an hour looking for this garlic i've dug like 15 holes in your yard looking for the

garlic you didn't tell me you had it in a bed somewhere call it back it's random all right

bye thank you very much congratulations on 10 years thank you everybody all right don't

If you have to sneeze, what do you do?

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yeah, you hung up on me.

Listen, where am I supposed to be digging?

I got fucking holes everywhere, and I twisted my ankle.

I'm outside.

I'm going to come inside.

Oh, you motherfucker.

Why can't he just come by if he says it's fucking free to dig up?

Well, I guess he just doesn't want you.

Yeah, he never included an address.

He should have picked up on that right away.

Yeah.

Well, what do you expect?

Most people are like, what did I put in that fucking ad?

Yeah, what do you expect? It's Tennessee.

Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I like Tennessee.

You like it?

They have good boiled peanuts there.

Oh, wow.

Boiled penis?

Peanuts.

Yeah, peanuts.

What's next, my penis?

Oh, my God.

All right, free firewood.

More free firewood in Nashville.

Woo-hoo.

Anybody?

I'll take it.

I like firewood.

Nope, too late.

Ted got it.

Hello?

About the firewood?

Sure, how can I help you?

How much you got?

Is this Randy?

Who's Randy? No, this is Jack.

Okay, um, how many trees are there?

How many trees?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

What's that?

Are you okay?

I'm fine, how are you?

I'm great, I'm just lacking firewood at the moment.

Okay, well, come get it if you want it.

It's free?

Pardon?

Is it free?

Yes, it's free.

Well, what's the catch? Is it, like, infested with worms or something?

No, you gotta cut it. It's trees that fell down in our yard.

Oh, so it's not firewood, it's trees that fell over.

Sir?

Yes?

You're calling me at midnight at night, okay?

Yeah, it's cold. I need firewood.

Hey, Steve, ask her if it's fucking free.

I did ask her if it was free, but she's misrepresenting the product.

I'd ask again.

She sounds like she's got a fucking asshole attitude.

It's false advertisement.

If you are going to speak that way on this phone at this hour,

you can just put it in your pipe and smoke it.

Goodbye.

What?

What the fuck was that?

That's whole year.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Put that in your pipe and fuck off.

I have not heard that shit since, like, fifth grade.

Or grade five, as you would say up north.

How did he know about the pipe?

Conspiracy!

You've reached Irish Charm Farm.

I'm sorry, no one's available to take...

Irish Charm Farm.

Nice.

Why was she so suspicious?

I don't know.

Just because of the time, that's it.

You know how they get because of the time.

Oh, it's a wave, it's a wave.

Hey, you should call back and say you're Randy.

Whatever the guy was that you said.

Oh, you just say, oh, this is Randy.

Randy, I was just messing with you.

Make sure, Randy.

You've reached Irish Charm Farm.

I'm sorry, no one's available to take your...

Damn.

Nah.

Here's another best of call real quick.

I'm not going to be able to get through all these.

Damn.

We got Oddy Guy.

This is where Brad, he's got a thing where he puts out,

Hey, call this number back.

Yes.

Dinged your car.

And I called one of them back.

In fact, this guy got real upset at me because I kicked the shit out of his Audi.

I don't think you made it to the final cut.

Sorry, Art.

I'm sorry.

It's all good.

All right, we're right back.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

This is Roy.

You left me a voicemail.

I left that note on your car.

Yeah.

What was your name?

My name's Joel.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the car.

I dinged your car.

I'm pretty sure the damage isn't that apparent.

I actually went and fixed it as best as I could while you were inside.

side where did you hit it up uh towards the back around where the gas tank goes you know okay all

right so i got into an argument with my wife and she was giving me a hard time because we bounced

some checks okay and i don't i don't mean to get too personal about it but i've been wasting money

on lottery tickets and i went to indian casino so i got so angry that i started kicking your car

i kicked it a few times in the back you're kicking my car yeah i was upset yeah i'm sorry

I'm sorry. I just lost my temper.

And then my wife, she said that I had to leave a note for some reason on your car,

so I went ahead and left a note.

Well, I fixed it as best as I could.

I had one of those dent pullers, but did you see the damage?

I'm going to go out and take a look at it again.

I saw a little bit of stuff, yeah, but I wanted to talk to you first

to double-check and make sure what I was looking at.

Well, I got really mad at your car, okay?

So I kicked it, and that's that.

So I just wanted to let you know that I kicked your car.

Okay, well, I appreciate it, and I'll give you a call back

once i look at it and talk with my insurance agent obviously it's a little late tonight well

no the insurance the insurance has already fixed it insurance is nothing i mean your car should

not have been there basically is the way the way it goes why was your car there right away well

your car you made me angry you did personally i kicked your damn i made you angry yes how did

that make you angry the way you parked excuse me my car was parked in a parking spot yeah exactly

a little too close too too far to you know to the side and then me and my wife got in till we

We started arguing, and I said, you know, it would be a damn shame if someone did something to this car.

And then I opened my car door really fast, and it hit the car door, like hit the side of your car.

And it scratched it on the side there, like you saw.

And she said, oh, very nice, very good, Roy, very good.

You're brilliant.

And I said, yeah, you don't like that?

And then I got out, and I started kicking the car.

And I said, what are you going to do now about it?

You realize my car is an Audi, right?

Yes.

Not a cheap fucking car.

What's an Audi?

Audi. What's that? I don't know a lot about cars.

It's a very expensive car.

It's an Audi. Those aren't expensive cars at all. No, they're not.

It's not like a BMW or...

They're more expensive than a BMW and a Mercedes.

I drive a Toyota Celica, so...

Yeah, so you drive a piece of shit. You drive an Audi.

That's why I'm kicking other people's fucking cars. You have an obvious attitude problem.

Look, the most important part is that I made up with my wife, okay?

I don't give a fuck about you and your wife. I don't give a fuck about my car.

That's why I'm kicking people's cars.

Well, there's a part of that you need to know about, too, about the way I made out with my wife.

I don't give a shit about that.

I'm happy for you.

Well, no.

You don't go out and kick in people's cars.

It was on top of your car.

Do you know what I mean?

Bitch, you got issues.

She, we, I had sex with her on top of the hood of your car after all this happened.

Hello?

Are you there, Scott?

Sir?

Sir, I'm sorry about the car.

Are you there?

No, we lost him.

Wow.

I think he went to go wank.

Wow.

Artie, you were on there.

You said, wow.

Beautiful.

You know what I am going to do?

I'm going to get some iced tea just to wake me up a little bit

so that I can finish out this show here.

So I'm going to take our...

You're going to wake up a little Geico, too.

That's where he went.

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, what's up?

You're trying to scam him.

That is goddamn Bass Hustle.

That is going to be played here.

I still have...

That's on the list now.

Follow that Bass Hustle song.

Before we get to that, though,

during the break, we are going to be playing

how many goddamn penises are on the fucking computer if you remember that that was a great

call that's one of milkman's favorites uh on that call that's the uh they were uh best by what's it

called the geek squad customers they had dropped off a macbook and called back to mess with them

about it um did the one call make it uh do you remember when uh i think it started on giad show

show but the uh when arby was fucking the couch unprotected and the zipper cut his dick no that

was uh g had one yeah i didn't include that one i know i didn't include many of the thanksgiving

stuff i just didn't have enough time um but all that was that was your line that actually i said

it yeah yeah it's like okay he was unprotected he was fucking the couch cushion and the zipper

cut his dick and now he's bleeding out in the hospital yeah humped a futon without percussion

section.

Did you include the Red Robin French Fries call?

No, dude. You know what? I had trouble

finding that call. I couldn't find it anywhere.

I even looked

for the episode. I probably have it on the hard drive somewhere.

Really? Yeah.

That deserves an honorable mention, but no,

I didn't get that one either.

I didn't think it was that funny, though.

Everyone liked it.

Listen, I'm going to play

that. That prank's going to play. I'll be back

in a few moments, and we'll wrap

this up. I'm going to make it.

I'll be all right.

We're already past 12 hours.

More like 13 now.

Holy shit.

I'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere, everybody.

We'll try you out.

Okay.

You're listening to Madhouse Live.

I'm the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Let's go.

Guy trying to break in my truck.

be sure to visit us online at madhouse live.com

madhouse radio will be back right after this i don't want to take my time going to work i got

a motorcycle and a sleeping bag and 10 or 15 girls what the hell i want to go off into and

go to work for work for what money i got all the money in the world i'm the king man i run the

underworld guy i decide who's does what and where they do it at what am i going to run around and

act like i'm some teeny bopper somewhere for somebody else's money i make the money man i

roll the nickels the game is mine i deal the cards yes hello patricia yes this is cross i'm calling

from huh that's your computer hi

i'm calling about your computer i understand you left your

computer machine here uh-huh okay and what did you do to it this time why why did you mess it up

again i haven't messed it up again you have again because you obviously really mess up this computer

You don't know how to use it?

Yes, I know how to use it.

Do you know how to turn it on?

Yes, I know how to turn it on.

All right, so why is it not working?

Because this isn't clear to me here.

It doesn't even start at all right now.

Because I lost that Explorer.

You lost the Blue E?

Okay, well, why did you get the iPhone instead?

Well, you should have gotten an iPhone machine instead of this computer

because you don't know how to use a computer.

I know how to use a computer, mister.

Well, the confusion is because we had you down as Patricia.

Someone thought your name was Pat.

Do you go by Pat?

Yes, I do.

Well, they were thinking that you were a man because of Pat.

Well, I'm not.

I know.

Obviously, now we know that you're not a man.

You're a woman, and that's the problem.

That's why you shouldn't have a computer.

What's it going to cost to fix it?

Well, since you're not cooperating with me and I'm having to work overtime overnight,

night it's like 12 30 in the morning now it's going to cost you an extra two hundred dollars

because it's overtime hours now well just forget it then well i already started fixing it it's too

late now so well i'm not paying two hundred dollars overtime to fix it well how much did

you want to pay i gave me right fixed it up and working okay so you don't want to pay the extra

two hundred dollars for me to fix it for you tonight not tonight no all right well then i'm

I'm going to have to send it to Russia.

There's a computer company in Russia called Adventuring Computers.

Don't send it anywhere.

Well, I already got the label printed out.

I don't care.

Don't send it anywhere.

Well, you'll have to pay for the shipping because I already paid for the shipping.

It's $200.

I'm not paying for the shipping.

Cancel it.

Do you want me to put in a PSU-L775 or 755 in here?

I'll be by tomorrow and pick up the computer.

How long do you need Internet Explorer for?

I can give it to you for 30 days, then, and that's it.

All right.

For $200, you can only use a computer for 30 days,

and you have to bring it in,

and you're going to get a Macintosh Apple computer instead.

Don't download it, Dan.

Just leave it.

It's already downloaded.

It's on here on the computer.

I'm not...

Do you want me to take it off?

Take it off.

Well, for me to take it off,

I have to hit the computer with a hammer to break it, right?

Right, and I dropped the computer in an accident, and the screen, like the part where the screen connects, I think I broke it.

So that's like another $50 to fix it.

$50 to fix it when it was your fault.

Well, it was an accident.

I don't care if it was.

I'm not liable for accidents because you don't know how to use a computer and you had to leave it here.

I'll be back.

We're closed.

Do not say anything.

We're going to close tomorrow.

We're closed all day tomorrow for 4th of July.

I'll pick it up on Monday.

Well, we're closed, too. I just said it was 4th of July. You don't understand? Are you stupid?

Yeah, the 4th of July is Wednesday. I know exactly what I'm saying.

So we're closed until Friday.

I'll pick the damn computer.

All right, well, if you want the computer back, you need to give the $200 for the repair plus $200 overtime plus $50.

No, I'm not giving you an extra $200 for overtime.

No, and also plus $50 because I dropped it.

That's your problem, not mine.

Now, here's the good thing. Internet Explorer is free.

Good.

Internet Explorer is free, but I have to charge you the money to put it on there.

Because I'm a smart, I'm a computer person. I'm smart, and I know how to fix computers.

Well, good for you. I know how to pick them up.

Oh, yeah, you know how to pick them up and drop them.

You did that. I didn't.

I'm putting down here that you dropped the computer, and that's why it's not working.

I did not drop the computer.

Well, I put it in the paper in the computer.

It says that customer dropped the computer and broke it,

and she's stupid, and she doesn't know what to do.

I've had it with you.

My computer.

It is our computer.

And I'm not paying you anything extra.

Did you put pornography on here?

What's this pornography?

There is no pornography on it.

There's a black man with his penis outside.

His penis is sticking out of his pants,

and he's touching his penis.

I paid it.

That's enough.

His penis.

There's no pornography on it.

There's a penis on here.

I don't care if there is.

Leave it alone.

Penis.

How many penises are on this computer?

Tell me.

It's talking.

There's a penis on here.

What's this pornography doing on there?

He dropped it.

There's a penis on there.

What did he say?

There's a penis going on there.

There's a penis on there.

You're supposed to keep that in your pants.

There's three penises coming from Kentucky.

Yeah, there's like five penises on the computer.

Pictures of penises.

Well, why the hell are you so vain taking pictures of yourself?

No, they're not my pictures.

Don't be rude and nasty and say bad words like that.

Hey, you don't be rude and nasty and accusing a 65-9-year-old woman of looking at computers with penises on them.

We don't give a shit what they look like.

Do you know what a penis looks like?

Is that why you were curious?

Curious?

Son?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

Where did you grow up?

Out in a cave somewhere?

Your parents didn't tell you anything?

I grew up in Kentucky.

That probably explains it.

Yeah.

It's the greatest state in the Union.

Yeah.

Boys carrying their daughters out of the pits all the time.

The penises, yeah.

Man, you are so far out in the left field.

Up as soon as possible.

You will pay for the computer to be...

I already fixed the computer.

I took the penises off and I replaced them with vaginas.

You know...

Yes.

Uh, we'll talk with your supervisor, sir.

Oh, whatever. I am the supervisor.

Well, you have a boss, and we will find him.

Nope. Nope. I won't tell you who he is.

Uh, don't worry. We'll find him.

Son of a bitch.

God damn it. I don't need to be here at work looking at penises.

At 1-888-278-8509.

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a tractor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you. Do not let a woman, ever, ever, make you who you are.

all right we're back everybody let's get ready to get the heck out of here

i'm carlito the host of madhouse radio and i've led us down this

crazy path of 12 hours plus of prank calls such talking and everything today lots of guests

it's been fun let's do some more prank calls and then i can get out of here um i wanted to

call real quick junk buster already uh now i played the prank earlier tonight today uh where

me and reckless were calling junk buster you called him later on right didn't he what did

he say to you something about biting i don't remember that was so long ago yeah you said to

me that he was telling you you were going to be biting the jail bars oh yeah i remember that

let's see if this guy answers junk buster

hello yes junk buster i need you to come get some junk from my home in long beach okay uh what is

that you have um i have a lot of different shit over here just all types of junk i've got furniture

i've got appliances whatever of it you can take you can take get out of here okay i have no use

for it i charge accordingly to what you have so tomorrow if you could take some pictures of it

and text them to me this number you called i'll look them over and give you a price okay do you

will you have sex with the futon without protection you're such a jackass would you

I wonder if he remembers me

He laughed about it

Such a jackass

He laughed about it though

He didn't get mad

He sure had some mean nasty racist things to say to me once

He called me a wetback Mexican

Tell him you're Mexican

He hates Mexican

Hey listen

I'm a wetback Mexican

Oh come on

Remember he said he was gonna lift me like a

Refrigerator

Yeah he's gonna drag

The jail off steps

The jail stairs

He's like the stairs

What the fuck are you talking about

Hello

Hi you have reached Michael with Junk Buster

Junk Buster

Try one more time

I will

eat dick like food that's disgusting

you just got nabbed you asshole i have someone that works for the phone company can i please

can i please explain you're gonna be going to jail oh wait can i please explain thank you

Are you going to lay me down the jail

stairs and make me bite the jail bars?

Am I going to the jail stairs?

Oh, come on, dude.

So he's using someone else's

abuse of power to find you?

Yeah.

Some corrupt cop that he knows or something.

Or a phone. He's a phone guy.

Somebody works for a phone company,

motherfucker.

Oh, man. I'm going to jail, everybody.

Alright, so.

Dwight, I think I'm on numbers

that came for you i might have like one or two left um i think we can get some more i think it's

too late i have some numbers if you need them cool what kind of numbers you got i have all

sorts of different numbers i'll find you some ones i think you might like okay all right we're good

dwight you can get us some too gotta get some next i want to take a look okay all right maybe

some yelp check-ins we'll see what we got uh this way see if anyone's checked in ted webb you still

still here i hope i can still guide you sometimes he goes silent ted what you there i don't know uh

we'll see if he comes back uh here is a baby girl bunny for sale oh little bunny probably stinks

right arty you want to do a call i'm gonna call for a bunny we're sorry your call cannot be

completed as dialed or the number has been here we go numbers coming in the main chat for yelp

chickens okay gotcha uh here's that wait i've been there where that brother's bar and grill

in denver oh really oh yeah that's why you had that big denver thing going on uh here's a loving

dog that needs a home already will you do a loving dog will you give it a home yeah hey did you ever

call that uh number clay sent you he sent me a number yeah you see if i have it hello hello

Hello? Hello? Someone's there.

They picked up, hung up. I think they heard jazz and were like, fuck that shit.

I don't like no jazz, they said. Alright, we're gonna play Gorillaz here.

Milkman, are you still here?

Report, Milkman.

Where are you going? Are you driving somewhere?

Nah, I'm here, man. I just got it on mute because I didn't want to make any noise.

No problem.

Milkman's gone fucking ninja.

you yeah um give me a second all right so you put numbers where did you put them in the regular

and the main sky main sky yep check in uh brother's bar and grill here you go already

take this one if you've been there before i mean just you have to ask for the person

you don't know what's going white should take it white's parents are dying in a fire

you're located on market street between 19th and 20th blocks from coors field hours of operation

are 11 a.m. Monday through Sunday.

That's the Jeff of the Tone, and we will get back to you.

It's supposed to be open.

I'll try them again just in case.

Is that place any good already?

A couple weeks ago, probably about two months ago,

and I spent like probably $700 buying this one girl.

I'm sorry, you're cutting on me. What's up?

I spent like $700 buying this one girl drinks,

and she gave me herpes.

So now I want my money back.

I'm sorry to call back here in the daytime when we're not busy.

You can barely hear you, okay?

Well, no, I need my money back right now

because I'm trying to buy some marijuana at one of the shops.

Okay, all right.

What?

Fucker.

That's what he said.

I dropped that next number in, and I would appreciate it if I could take it.

Is that CC?

Huh?

Oh, Sid.

Sid, C-A-O.

Caller ID.

Caller ID to use and then a number to call.

Okay, the caller ID is the first one.

we uh we can never complete a 10-year anniversary after this last year without one of these calls

uh-huh this must be howard okay caller d is set and now i will call this thank you for calling

planet fitness headquarters we are reclosed what are you you reversed them i reversed

what a dude okay i'll do it right this time no problem

yeah so the second number is the caller id number yeah you said the first one

no no it says number to call and then then cid and then boom yeah yeah you got me i really

missed my ipad today i wish i could have my ip all circuits are busy now please try your call

again later the copy wrong nope i didn't give you the full number that's my bad oh what happened

your ipad stepped on it shit yeah it's ipad air 2 stepped on it destroyed it here's the number to

a call hi uh i left it to roll out there it is didn't copy all the way all right so here we go

plan of fitness let's try to get our lunk alarm on our lunk alarm on yeah it's ontario this is

chris now hey chris how you doing this is uh barry i'm over here at the corporate office in newberg

how you doing i'm doing good sir what can i help you with the reason i'm calling you is uh the it

department they sent me over a memo uh saying they lost communication two days back with your

lunk alarm uh do you know when the last time that was activated uh last night actually i was

actually last night approximately how many times it was activated about once maybe twice around

all right what they're telling me is uh they're getting you know marketing's getting on their tail

because they use the information that comes from the lunk alarm uh for some type of uh promotion

purposes and when they lose communication we have to do a call into the location check to make sure

you know audibly we're able to hear it and then what we try to do is a reset and uh have you set

it off tonight at all i've not set it off i barely got here to uh for the night shift as far as the

earlier morning today i'm not quite sure if it has been set off yet or not all right do you have

the push button or do you have the light switch model we have the white switch model okay you

want to just flick that on for like a quick like three second burst just so i can hear it and have

have it on the recording yeah definitely i can uh go ahead and look at here in a second just want

to confirm that it is an operating okay yeah i hear it it's working uh geez all right so what

we gotta do uh are you guys real busy tonight um it's actually how about slow down um roughly

around 12 o'clock it'll probably be cleared out okay what we need to do is we got to do a quick

reset on that and what we do is i have you turn it on and actually keep it on continuously while

I monitor the percentages from back here on the computer and once it goes from zero to 100 it'll

do a system reset and we'll be able to get that taken care of for the marketing and IT department

I can get you to do that if you want to give me a call back around that time I'll get that thing

well I need to do it now because in the next 15 minutes we're actually going to have a close a day

and it's not going to allow for me to make any more calls out because the computers here are

going to reset to run for i just need to run it through we're going to go from zero to a hundred

percent here once it hits a hundred i'll let you know to flip it off uh it could be anywhere from

uh 30 seconds to 90 seconds uh but it's the only way to reset it okay we'll get that together for

one second and we'll get that thing covered well i need to let you know when it reaches a hundred

so i need to keep you on the line okay definitely so go ahead and just flip it on uh anytime you

want all right we'll just give me about a little quick second and i'll get up excuse me it's once

that wasn't agreeing with me hello run home okay i thought i lost you oh no i'm just letting them

know that the alarm's gonna be on so no one's oh okay yeah yeah guys i'm gonna have the alarm

going on uh we're doing a reset for the system like don't worry about anything it's just gonna

be going on okay all right yeah hey guys i'm gonna be really uh redoing the alarm we're just

doing a reset for the system so like don't worry about the sound or like if our guys are like it's

nothing all right we're just gonna be having turn off we're just gonna be resetting the alarm

uh i'll just set it for testing so um just don't worry about the sound it's gonna go off for like

yeah just for like less than a minute but just to worry about the sound all right and after we're

done uh with the the reset there um i may want to speak to one of the gym members i prefer a black

card member but if we only have the white cards there i'll speak to one of them if they want to

to do a quick five minute survey with me uh i'll give them three months of the black card membership

for free uh well i'm ready to hit the alarm whenever uh whenever you're good go ahead and

flip it i'm monitoring monitoring it from right here all right oh that sweet sweet sound all right

we're at five percent they have to test it they're calling a reach to reset it sorry about the noise

they're resetting we're resetting it uh ten percent is it good to go no we're at ten percent

all right no no no no you got to keep it going we're only at ten percent okay i got it yep we

We had to start over again.

I'm sorry.

No, no, you're good.

You're good.

I'm fine with it on.

We're at 5%.

You're at 5%?

Okay.

Yep.

11%.

15%.

25%.

We have to reset it.

Yeah.

26%.

Yeah.

33%.

41%.

45%.

50%.

42%.

46%.

Yeah, we have to reset it to the 60.

The alarm, the alarm connects.

percent so we're resetting it for them so it has 61 percent

17 45 95 what happened what happened now we're at 95 it's uh starting to slow down on its own

i'm not quite sure oh okay um is the light still going the light's still going okay it's it's doing

its reset go ahead and shut the switch off okay all right and uh did you have a a member there

that i could speak to uh regarding the uh survey we have the marketing department on the other line

uh they want to do a quick customer survey man would you like to do a quick customer survey

they'll get three months of the black card membership for free are you a black card member

or are they you okay yeah um i have a gentleman who's in the he's in the programming you'd like

to ask for a service sure no problem all right i'll hand over the phone to her okay all right

hello hi uh my name is dwight i'm calling from the planet fitness corporate uh headquarters

quarters and uh for doing a quick it's about a five minute survey with us i'm going to give you

three months uh free black card membership okay i already have black card but that's fine right

but what we'll do is uh instead of you know do you do the monthly payments yes yeah you're going

to get the next three months for free oh okay but if you give me just a moment i'm going to bring

mr cross on the line uh he's from our marketing department and he has the survey questions to ask

Okay.

All right, give me just a second. I want to buzz them in here.

Okay, thank you.

Yes, hello, this is Mr. Cross.

Hello.

Hi, I'm Mr. Cross with the marketing department.

Thank you for standing by for this quick survey.

It's going to be about three minutes, five questions. Are you ready?

Okay, yeah.

First of all, what is your first name?

My name is Tracy.

All right, Tracy, I'm presuming you're a female.

Great. Tracy, how long have you been a member of Planet Fitness?

I'm sorry, I could barely hear you.

How long have you been a member, a subscriber here?

This is barely going to be my first one.

Oh, wow, great. Congratulations.

Okay.

Thank you.

So my next question is, how often do you use the shower facilities at this location?

I guess you've never had it.

I haven't used it yet.

Do you plan on using it, do you think?

Well, I just live around the corner, so probably not.

Okay, all right.

You don't think there will ever be a need for you to wash yourself and bathe?

No.

You don't want to clean the sweat and soil off of yourself before you go, okay.

All right, okay.

Have you used the restroom at all?

Yes.

Okay, did you find it clean and sanitary?

Yes.

Was there any lesbian action inside the bathroom?

Not that I noticed.

Okay.

Well, some of our gymnasium bathrooms are hot spots for homosexual and lesbian activities.

Oh, okay.

No, I haven't.

You didn't join for that, did you?

Okay, have you tried using any of the tanning beds?

No, not yet.

That's my next step.

Okay, all right.

Well, I just want to make sure that you know that in the tanning bed,

it's not for having sex in there.

It's only for tanning.

It's not for having any sex in there.

It's a private room for your tanning,

but you're not supposed to be having sex in there or masturbating.

It's only for you to use the tanning bed to augment your skin tone.

I kind of figured that.

Okay, good.

All right, because we like to keep it tan.

The problem is when women masturbate, they become sexually aroused,

and they secrete kind of mucus,

and this can leave like a trail or just, you know,

it can leave spots on places with female ejaculate, things like that, yeah.

Okay, and this is what happens.

Your vole will become a little bit engorged.

Your clitoris will become enlarged and swollen.

on some women it may raise up and protrude out from the labia it'll actually be visible

outside of the labia majora and the labia minora okay okay um did you use any of the

cardiovascular equipment today i did bike and um i lifted weight that's pretty much it today

okay did you spray down the bike seat when you were done yes because we want to make sure because

Because there could be some vaginal secretions that come out on that also and could stay on there.

They could even bleed through.

What kind of pants did you, what kind of shorts?

Did you have shorts?

Did you have sweatpants on, shorts?

Sweats.

I think they were nylon, cotton.

Cotton.

So they probably would have absorbed a lot of the vaginal sweat.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

All right.

All right, good.

I'm now going to connect you with a female associate to ask you some very personal private questions about female stuff.

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Hi there.

Oh, hi there, ma'am.

Yes.

Are you one of our Black Card members?

Yes, I am.

Is that correct?

Okay, okay, perfect, perfect.

Yeah, so I just had a few more questions, and then the survey is going to be complete.

Have you noticed at any time during your visit with us that there's been any sort of sexual,

sort of men looking at you sexually or any sort of sexual harassment going on?

Because we've had some issues with that in the past.

No.

No?

Oh, okay. So you generally felt safe and secure while you were working out there?

Yes.

Okay, okay. And you haven't noticed any of the male members of the gym

sexually harassing or possibly being demeaning to any of the female patrons?

No, I haven't.

Okay, okay. Have you noticed any inappropriate clothing,

whether it be on males or females working out at the gym?

No, it actually seems like everybody's pretty much covered, covered.

Okay, perfect, perfect. Well, you know, you can be covered.

words like we're also meaning really tight clothing such as lycra spandex things like that

oh yeah oh okay we did have an issue with a few of the male members at our gym and they were wearing

very very tight lycra and spandex um and then i guess they were getting a little bit sexually

aroused while they were working out um from staring at some of the female patrons and um

i guess they sort of well they got aroused and excited and the lycra really doesn't hide much

if you know what i mean so oh yeah okay so you haven't noticed anything like that most of the

guys here wear either baggy shorts or okay okay and that that's actually also been a little bit

of an issue you haven't noticed um we had a few of our members there as well who are wearing very

baggy shorts and then when they were on the rowing machines for instance um i guess they weren't

wearing uh underwear boxers so um yeah i haven't seen their genitalia that would be seen so you

you haven't noticed anything like that, like when they're sitting on the benches or anything?

No.

Okay, okay, perfect, perfect. And how would you rate the staff friendliness?

I would say a nine.

Okay, and the cleanliness, did they already ask you about the cleanliness?

Yeah, the restroom.

Okay, well, just how about in general, the cleanliness of the location?

I'm sorry?

In general, just the overall cleanliness?

I would say a ten.

oh okay wonderful wonderful um and do you uh anticipate inviting any friends to also join

you at the gym um yeah eventually okay so it's the type of place that you would recommend is

what you're saying oh yeah oh perfect perfect okay i already have my cousin join as well me

and my husband wonderful that's great that's really really awesome okay and it says here

that you haven't used the showers yet no i haven't okay okay um did the did this male staff member who

who was working, he should have let you know about the cameras located in the female changing

and washroom, as well as the male one as well. But what is your opinion about that? Obviously,

you did sign up, so you couldn't have had too much of an issue. I didn't know there was.

Sorry? I didn't know there was. Oh, they should have let you know when you signed up. Yeah,

we've had some major incidents in the female and the male change room. So just for patron safety,

safety about a month and a half ago we installed some some cameras but rest assured they cannot see

anyone when they're changing they're placed in such a way that you know we you know you're not

exposed or anything like that but he definitely should have let you know um is that it's what is

your opinion on on that now that you do know about it um i mean if it's do you do you feel safer

because the cameras are in there or um yeah just a little invasion of privacy i think well

Well, you know, customer safety is of the utmost importance, as I'm sure you can understand.

Oh, yeah, I can understand that.

Okay, okay.

And they did let you know about the dress code, right?

Yes.

Okay, perfect.

So no low-cut shirts, no yoga pants, no very tight-fitting clothes?

Yes.

Okay, okay, perfect.

Yeah, we just don't want, we have some, again, some male members here who really like to get excited.

so there there can't be any sort of um clit clit hugging um pants um so no camel toe is allowed

here with us do you know what camel toe is yeah okay so you're you're well aware about the camel

toe and how it's we have a no camel toe policy here yes okay okay wonderful well it seems like

uh seems like you you're you're doing good and that's perfect that's exactly what we wanted to

hear we really hope that you do invite some people uh some friends and family to join our

Jim. And I think Dwight just had a few more, just maybe one more question

and just to get some information from you for the free

black card membership. So just one second, I will put him back on the line and

thank you very much. We hope you enjoy the rest of your workout.

Alright, thank you. Thank you. Good evening, this is Dwight. Hello, Dwight.

Hey, how you doing? So we're going to get your memberships

logged into the computer here. What's the phone number associated with

your account 909 uh-huh 341 yeah i'm sorry i lost the last four or the last two 909 341 3627

okay ready let me take a peek here right and you tell me uh when was the last time that you had

your menstrual cycle currently currently all right and you made sure to clean up uh very thoroughly

on the equipment so you said you were hoping to bring your husband along with you to the gym

me and my husband both um signed up together okay uh so while you're currently on your menstrual

cycle is he only playing the back nine and fucking you in the ass i'm sorry uh is he currently only

uh doing anal with you since you're on the uh the period okay and how big are your breasts

is that really anything that i need to share with this well it's just for the profile that's why we

we don't do names okay d d all right and how much do you weigh um 230 230 and now do you ride his

penis or does he get behind you and do the doggy style um neither neither okay what is your favorite

sexual position i don't have any you don't have one what's your standard i don't have any like

anything particular no reverse cowgirl nothing oh yes i'm sorry just just put missionary down

Missionary? Okay.

Yeah, just put that down.

Sorry to interrupt.

No problem.

Are we using protection because you never know, he may be cheating?

No, he doesn't cheat.

He doesn't cheat, okay.

Mm-hmm.

Now, when he's having sex with you and he puts your legs up on his shoulders,

does he tickle your feet while he's penetrating you?

Okay, please hold for Mr. Baz.

Yes, hello, this is Baz Snozwell.

I'm the manager here.

How are you this evening, ma'am?

Hello, I'm okay.

Yeah, as you heard, we appreciate your being forthright in your answers to Dwight.

It really helps us with our marketing campaigns.

And I have a few questions that he missed.

Well, he didn't miss them.

They're supplemental questions.

I think he did ask you about your breast size.

I don't mean to be crass.

I have some supplemental questions about that.

Do you consider yourself to have quote-unquote big floppers?

Do you know the definition of floppers?

Floppers are at least the larger size breasts, like maybe the triple Ds.

But when the gravity takes hold and they kind of sag a bit, they get real floppy.

Do you consider yourself to have big floppers?

And I have one of my associates, Kendra, she's in the background.

And I do agree, Kendra, not all big breasts are floppers.

But it's important for our demographics.

Yes, of course, of course.

I just didn't want her to get the impression that that's what you were saying.

No, no, not at all.

I mean, this is a strictly confidential survey for marketing purposes only.

Yeah, it's for future marketing and sales purposes.

Okay, go ahead, Jen.

Yes, do you consider yourself to have big floppers?

I never had anybody ask me any of these questions like this for a gym.

Well, I know.

We're on the cutting edge here of marketing research.

search yes they're large but i don't i don't i don't know how to explain it but i don't have

anybody okay so i'm going to put you down as a no you do not consider yourself to have would

would you say ma'am that if that's fine yeah if you were to like um say lift one of your breasts

up and stick two fingers underneath it would your breasts fall below that finger or would

they stay perky um yeah they would fall below okay okay perfect that's totally normal okay

Go ahead, go ahead.

Yeah, I've got another supplemental question here.

Ma'am, do you prefer the dirty errand position?

I'm sorry?

Sexual position.

It's called the dirty errand position.

I don't even know what that is.

I couldn't tell you.

Yeah, it's akin to the dirty Sanchez.

Have you ever heard of that?

No.

Yeah, dirty Sanchez, usually the man will stick a finger into the rectum

and then swipe the material on the upper lip.

The dirty errand is where you shit in the bag.

And then the partner saves it as a souvenir, a memento of the occasion.

They're also known as hooker churds, but we kind of frown upon that because most of our patrons are not involved in the illegal sex trade.

I'm not involved in any of that stuff. I don't do any of that stuff.

Okay, that's all I needed to know.

It's a simple yes or no question, so I will put you down as a no.

Oh, and ma'am, we actually have a special going on for some of the people that are willing to answer some of these, I might say, slightly uncomfortable questions.

If you can talk dirty to us, we can give you a voucher, good for one month, free.

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, but it's good for one month.

It's a great value.

Just say a couple of dirty words to us, and then I'm going to put my associate, Mr. Westwood, on the phone.

He's a little under the weather.

I'm not sure if he can talk right now.

Mr. Westwood, can you speak to this?

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Can I talk?

She's a prospect.

We're going to have to rescind that voucher.

I don't know.

I don't think he's a...

I mean, he's a customer.

I was like, I don't know.

He said that he was going to be doing a survey with a guest.

Yeah, that was really...

Yes, about the gym, about the alarm and everything.

Yeah, I was like, did you know that they have cameras in the room?

I was like, no.

And then they asked me for my number for the gym.

I hope that nothing comes up bad.

No, we don't have cameras in the bathroom.

We have the ones that you see.

It was like a guy and a lady.

And then he was like, oh, do you clean off the equipment every time you use them?

Yeah.

When's your last menstrual period?

I'm like, really?

Like, oh, have you ever used a toning bed?

make sure that you're not

masturbating or anything like that

and I'm like

I'm going to call

I apologize

they told me there was

I'm kind of glad it happened to me

not somebody else

because I'm like

Ian here was like

do you have

what type of

what type of depression

and I told him

you know I'm thinking

okay what does that have to do

with a gym

I wouldn't have

I would

like I said

I was like

what did he ask me

like just hang up

it's getting weird

because I mean

they just said that

they lost connection

with our store

our first four number zero five three that uh reset it that's why i resetted it it's reset

and i'll be everything yeah but you might want to tell somebody i'll call my engine right now

because i was like what's that what kind of Christmas are you have you ever used and you're

like do you um you don't go in the family rooms and have sex and i'm like no it's a

fucking jam like do you seriously i don't think so my husband wasn't here

there there she goes finally that was awesome there she goes she's calling the manager wow

i'm gonna try that's great let me try to loop back see if i can get by the way i'm glad you're

You're still on, boss.

Holy fuck.

I'm glad you're here, boss.

I'm here to call on confidence Ontario.

Chris, I can help you.

Yeah, hello?

It's Ontario.

This is Chris.

I can help you.

Yeah, I just received a weird phone call with some kind of survey, and they told me to give

a call back to this number here.

Can you give me your information?

Do you know your barcode number?

I don't have a...

I'm not a member of this gym.

They just called me from this place.

This is the Planet Fitness to call back something about masturbating on the machines.

They left a very...

Sir, I apologize. We don't have any surveys, especially anything of that sort, but I surely apologize for it.

Is this something that there was a masturbation party going on here?

Okay, they're gone.

I think it was a troll.

Because they just called someone saying, I think they're saying, oh, there's masturbation.

I think it was a troll.

I apologize for it.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

I just think they were trying to get some personal information.

They didn't get it from my number.

Your phone number?

Yeah.

Your gym number.

My phone number.

Oh.

From my gym number.

I don't know if they can get my account.

No, no, not a thing like that.

All I'm saying is if they have your phone number, I'm out of here.

I already got an unknown call.

I just blocked it.

I apologize for that.

Let me call my manager.

Can we get your information, and I'll let him talk to my manager.

Just give me your gym number or your barcode.

I'll get your information.

Let me talk to him.

I'm like, oh, that's a little bit of a problem.

No, let me get that.

Especially if something comes up on his account.

all right whatever i'm tired of it all right uh that was did you keep people don't even feel

like that he fucking kept the phone going and we heard everything yeah that was awesome remember

go out over the over the line yeah yeah it's the kind of dumb teenagers

it's ruined a bunch of uh craigslist numbers good i got milkman coming

All right, so what do we got then?

We got more numbers here from...

Where you are?

Morse.

This guy's...

What's this, John Montes?

What happened?

He had a bad experience ordering tires?

Let me see.

Comcast phone landline.

Yeah.

What happened to the woman?

I missed that part.

No, not with Comcast.

He ordered tires.

Hold on.

Let me just find his thing.

I just didn't realize that I didn't put that in.

Silly me.

Did the woman get her membership, or what happened?

She ended up getting upset.

Passed the phone back to the guy.

He was talking shit about us.

We were both talking shit about us really bad.

She was on her period.

If anyone remembers.

Just go on to the next one, Carly, until I figure it out.

Okay, I'll do the one before that.

It looks like there was an American Airlines.

I thought it was pretty nice that we were volunteers.

She had floppers.

I thought it was pretty nice.

can you call indonesia carlito indonesia um indonesia i can if i get a number yeah if you

give me a number in indonesia i will um we got an american airlines complainer off of twitter

says that the uh flight attendant just didn't care was rude and unpleasant mocked me to another

attendant we'll get to the bottom of that and i'm putting in the other that joe guy's twitter

Yes, hi. I'm calling from American Airlines.

You had some kind of complaint regarding my flight attendant?

No, I don't think so.

Yes, you did. You posted a complaint regarding a flight attendant

that was treating you rudely.

Matthew? Is there Matthew there?

I don't know. I have no idea.

Where's Matthew? Where's Matthew?

I don't know. Two o'clock in the morning.

Put him on the shit phone.

That wasn't him.

So, Carlito, I put the Indonesian number in.

Oh, okay.

And I've not had huge success with them,

but I'd like, it would be funny to hear you give it a try.

It's called, it's a slop and sludge treatment center is the name of it.

So they treat staff.

There's one guy that speaks English, but if you get the women,

it's probably going to be a fail because they don't speak English.

All right, I'll try.

Maybe they'll put him on.

It should be open.

It's like 1 p.m. there.

They might not be accepting any form.

At this end, they're like, oh, fuck it.

they just stopped we've been calling them on the uh late night cops for a couple weeks now

all right we'll skip that sorry i tried thank you that's cool indeed uh sandrail what's this

let's see hang on horses tanya has horses this is a contactor by phone land empire anyone watching

true detective the second season i'm still very underwhelmed with it compared to less

The first season I haven't started the second season yet, but I love the first season first season was great

I heard it's nowhere near as good

Which one sir are you talking about the the mayor or are you talking about the step? I want the one with the dick

Oh, yeah, he's sold already. Okay. Well, we'll take the other one. How much is that one?

My cousin just told me about it, so I don't have the ad or anything.

Oh.

Well, it is a little bit late, so let's kind of just get off of work.

I would appreciate it if we could talk later.

That'd be fantastic.

Well, no.

Here's the thing is that I have a pet crocodile, and I need to, I need, it's tired of chasing

chickens and stuff like that, so I want to give it a challenge.

So I was thinking it'd be a horse or a small dog or something like that.

Chickens are pretty fast, man.

I mean, you know, I'm not experienced or anything, but, yeah, aren't chickens pretty fast?

Yeah, they are, but he gets bored with the feathers and shit, so, you know.

So how much for the horse, pony?

Well, now the option is do you want it dead or alive?

Oh, I don't care.

Well, no, alive.

Well, I mean, you're the buyer.

Alive.

You're the buyer, so, you know, I want to deliver what you need.

Oh, really?

That sounds very awesome.

No, no, just alive.

How much alive?

Is it cheap or dead?

You know, I don't know.

Because it matters the way you kill it, right?

I don't know.

I just want to take a video of my crocodile.

Like if it's a bullet to the head, it's probably going to be,

I'm not going to charge you for the bullet, it's probably going to be cheaper.

But if I have to go out there and slit its throat or something,

that's a lot of emotional damage.

So it'd probably be more expensive that way.

Now, if we put it to sleep by medication,

I'd have to get a doctor out and all that stuff.

And no one wants to go through that for a dead horse.

It's literally a dead horse.

I understand that, because I had to go through gay counseling after I accidentally shoved my finger in my asshole at a McDonald's in Pompeii.

This is kind of fun talking to you, but I really got to get going.

Shut up.

I got the crocodile as a therapy animal, so it's all good.

A therapy animal?

Therapy animal, yeah.

Some people have a chihuahua or a pet rat.

I just got the crocodile.

Well, just ask the therapist for the other animals, and you can beat it to that.

No, no.

I had to go find my own.

It was the crocodile rescue.

You got the what?

Crocodile rescue.

Oh.

It was Mick Dundee's crocodile rescue.

You think so?

Just a little bit, yeah.

It's kind of like if Steve Irwin had, like, a stingray sanctuary.

It's such a weird twist.

Goddamn, that's funny.

Yeah.

All right, my ball fish.

I got to go.

All righty.

Have a great day, pal.

That was nice.

She was a nice, friendly lady.

You met a friend.

Here's someone that has

an LED whip.

I'm not going to play any more of these best of stuff.

I have a few. I'm just going to play them at the end of the show

because there's just way too many of them still.

Did that

shit on the computer

make it on there? No, it did not.

I thought about that one, though.

But no, it did not, unfortunately.

I guess you can tell I'm already

backed up. But that was good.

because that was uh well here's the thing is that you already have the best of i mean you

need to release that shit in its own yeah like on its own podcast or whatever yeah yeah i'll

put that all together i was thinking about that like a best of episode all together yeah i'll do

that uh on its own um but yeah there's i know myself and i'm not gonna be able to keep going

much longer despite the fact that i just drank another energy drink but let's take advantage

of the energy that they do have and let's call this number here which is a led light up flag

whip for sale macron you want to do another call you're still with us uh yeah definitely so i guess

this is some kind of whip that lights up in the dark whip that lights up in the dark yeah that

sounds very painful let me take a look at the picture of it i like how you thought of me

i don't really actually know what that is it says there's like a spot

I don't know, man.

Find out where you got that at.

I want one.

This is cool.

It's on Craigslist.

Yeah.

Yay.

Yeah, it just says LED whip.

Never used.

Lights a red, white blue with the flag on top.

sold or whatever

whatever sold sandals i don't know what that's about okay here we go seven six zero six six

no i guess they exist or fiber optic whips this one is a red white and blue one interesting

sounds like a very painful thing to get whipped with but whatever maybe it's not for that

panning okay this is the slop well slop and sludge we already tried right they didn't answer

My bad.

Yeah, I put like five other Craigslist members in there.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm good.

Francis' Skype is really hanging on a thread right now.

It takes a while to scroll.

Did you send them?

You didn't private message them to me, did you?

You put them in the chat?

No, I put them in the public chat.

Do you want me to do it again?

Can you send them to me in a private message?

Because I've lost them.

Sorry.

Yeah, of course.

Here you go.

A private message, you said?

Yeah, a private Skype message.

Okay, here you go.

Done.

Sent.

um i've got a number for one of you guys to call actually now that my friend shane is there

um this is a completely crazy guy you'll love this guy i can't speak to him though because

i've already pranked him uh shit what did i do with it this is a crazy old racist man called ray

he's he's absolutely insane um he loves his cats and he hates all racers apart from whites

it's it's hilarious you want it aaron yeah um if you want to upset him like fuck with his cat like

say like last time i pranked him i said his cat had been shitting everywhere and we had to get

rid of it and he went fucking crazy love it or anything to do with like mr westwood calling

from the pet supply service how are you pet supply service calling to see if you need any

pet supplies i don't love this no don't hang up god damn it i'll come over there and kick your

cat in the balls hey your cat your cat your cat is a piece of shit your stupid cat you're a stupid

cat stupid fucking cat punch him right in the balls just like this guy's call him back i'll

come right out tell him to kick the cat call him call him back i guarantee you can get him in the

cat connect the moment please leave your message after the tone i'm getting to the confederate

flag here for sale. $25

confederate flags for sale.

Yeah. Call them people who can burn it.

My fault. Your message for

661. Nope.

Um, American Girl

Dolls. Those things are all the rage these days,

aren't they? American Girl Dolls.

He says... American Girl

Dolls for sale. Check.

Where's Lotham on our

anniversary show? He's been... He's sent

numbers. We've sent them. You have reached the

voicemail box of 3,

2, 3. He's probably sleeping like

Like any decent person at this time.

Which I'm going to be doing pretty soon.

I'm quickly crashing.

But I'm still calling on this Confederate flag number here.

Don't worry.

Don't send me any more numbers because I'm going to finish these out.

I want to burn it.

Can I help?

Yeah.

Help each other burn it.

Well, Yankees if you're up north, we'll be calling from down south.

Rednecks?

Well, no.

It's something else.

Oh, back in the Civil War, there were the Rebels.

The Rebs.

Rebs and the Yanks, right?

Yep.

Choose!

Instead, we have books and magazines for sale.

Books and magazines.

Anything with cleavage?

Dude, you're the man.

You're our captain.

Let's go 10 more.

Fuck it.

One man.

I'll sleep good tonight.

Thank you for calling.

Please leave a message at the tone.

This is Myra.

I will return your call within about 10 minutes.

I'll show you what, Myra.

I'm done.

It's over.

Thank you, everyone who helped out tonight.

Thank you, everyone who's on the line right now.

That's my man.

Keep milk, man.

But thank you, Morgan, Baz, Evil Artie,

Thank you, Dwight.

Thank you, Loppa.

Ted Webb, I think, is still here.

Here is Steve.

Judy Aaron, Macron.

Lama.

And Anugula.

All of you, Loppa.

Hey, Carlito, just to let you know, after the show, if you're feeling tense, I'll rub your bitch tits for you.

Oh, yeah? You can do an after show.

But I've got to do my insulin shot first for the diabetes.

Aw, don't say that. You don't have a diabetes.

I'm pretty sure an after show will be happening, so...

Awesome.

Stay tuned.

Hey, congrats, Carlito, on 10 years now.

Hey, thanks, man. Thanks for all you do.

I'm really glad that you went on so long.

I bet Carlitos

just like a tree, you know, every year it grows

he has a ring around his dick, so there's

ten fucking rings around it.

Around my chin.

Glad you stayed on so long.

I mean, tonight.

Yeah, it ends over the years, too.

It's amazing.

Alright, thanks, guys. Enigma, thanks for everything

you do, too, with the website and the

hosting and the IRC and all that, man.

Sure, anytime, buddy.

Dwight, thanks for working so hard on the network

No problem

Thanks for talking to me when I was sick and dying

Appreciate it

Everyone else, thanks

See you guys

Milkman, thanks for having me on

Appreciate it

Milkman, take us out of here finally

Hey, Ted

You came back for a second

Milkman, you there? Unmute yourself

You can come out now

You can come out now, Milkman

Aw, we can't do this without an outro from Milkman

oh man uh while milkman comes back i'll let you know which of these pranks are making it to the

end of the best of here um yeah uh morgan wants to do an after show but i'm gonna be

stuck playing these pranks here i hope she doesn't mind it's 37 minutes worth i don't

know if it's gonna be an after show um she can kick me off and i can leave them on the podcast

cast if you want uh we got iphone machine uh having a fit that's corey insecurity i love that

one started going really loud that's coming up the goddamn bass sells call we got high risk

delivery where i called a pizza customer who was waiting on a delivery and told them that they

were lived in a high risk neighborhood had to leave a deposit they got very mad and the pizza

delivery guy actually shows up and gets on the phone to bitch at me over the whole thing uh we

get another lesser-known prank that i really liked a lot it was called dirty panties i wanted two

pairs of dirty panties out of this laundry hamper that had been lost on the highway the guy put on

craigslist hey i lost i was moving lost a laundry hamper full of women's clothing my cult said i

had it but i wanted some dirty panties in order to give it back we have uh the chinese cancellation

Isolation call where I canceled a Chinese restaurant order.

The guy got very upset at me and Matt.

We got the elevator shaft call.

That's from, actually that's with the help of Dwight.

Where I was stuck in a hotel elevator with the echo machine that I use on the mixer.

Stuck in a hotel elevator in Hawaii on the top.

That was very funny.

The woman starts scrambling, trying to get her help to the MOD's office to get me out.

And then Angry Greek Loser, where I called within seconds of the end of Greek's loss to Costa Rica during last year's World Cup.

I called the Greek restaurant that I had called earlier in the day, and they had said, yeah, we're watching it, yeah, we got it playing.

It was a really tense game. The game ended at the end in penalties.

The Greeks lost a very close penalty thing there.

So I called, and the Greek guy was very upset about the loss, and I goaded him, and we laughed and laughed.

It was fun.

Milkman, are you here?

Please, I got to go.

I'm waiting on you.

Yeah, Milkman, take us out of here so I can get out.

You know what I mean?

Oh, man.

It's crazy.

What?

Has anybody left?

Yeah, everyone's gone.

You're going to give us a quick outro so I can get some sleep.

All right.

My goodness.

The legend moves on.

Another groundbreaking 10-year-long anniversary episode coming to a beginning in 10.

Wow.

I warned you, folks.

I warned you.

This guy had something crazy.

And if you didn't find something good to eat on this show, go back and play the rewinds.

I want to thank everybody for stopping by, man.

All of our friends, many special guests.

The list is so long, my goodness.

this Ted Webb

gents, buddy.

If you didn't hear

him on there,

go back and

rewind it all there.

We did this

every week.

It's a show you

can find right here

on the internet.

That's right.

Why?

Because we love you.

That's right.

Our fans,

we do it all for you.

That's right.

We drop the dime.

We just ask you

to give us a time.

Bring a friend

or bring an enemy

and always welcome

right here

in the madhouse.

Couldn't do it

without our fearless

leader that generally

is my pal

and swellest brother

of all times, man.

man. Thank you so much for

saving all the lives over these

last 10 years, man.

One call at a time, my brother.

It's been an honor having you around

and being around and being part of this whole

crazy thing you call this mad

out in the living, brother.

Thank you, bro. It's been

swell. Thanks. I want to thank everyone who's

helped us out over the last 10 years. Everyone who's

ever sent us a number. Nunu, Lonesome

Loser. I want to thank

I already thanked Enigma. Thanks for

your help with the IRC. I want to thank Brad

Brad, for letting us come on board with PLA when we did.

I want to thank Dino for letting us come on board Syndicate Radio when we did.

I want to thank Zolar and Dr. Lego and KDK for all their love and support throughout the years.

Man, there's way too many people to thank.

Ben Kilburn, who edits YouTube videos for me, thank you for helping me out with that task.

He runs YouTube channel Madhouse Classics.

You should have subscribed to those.

Get your classic on.

yeah i didn't neglect anybody i'm so tired but i know you are too and i didn't even leave anybody

out i definitely i love all of you for taking the time to come and join us man really because

i've thought about this and thought about this thanks for coming and joining me and everybody

i want to thank milkman for sticking with me for 10 years thanks man and uh most important

don't if i if we haven't mentioned you tonight or in this little outro it's because we're both

very tired and we need to get out i want to thank all the fans and listeners and the tuners and the

podcast subscribers and the people that watch on video wherever it is over the last 10 years thanks

for supporting me thanks for uh i don't know making this one of the making this the most fun

i've ever had in my life is doing this show and i wouldn't give up for anything else thanks for

sharing with me yeah all right we're out of here i'll uh stay tuned for those pranks and uh here's

to another 10 years god damn it yeah hey are you gonna leave me on here or what happened

only here all right i'll leave you on see you later thank you brother man i love you man

ruby hands off of my iphone machine all right listen i got proof i lost my phone and i ain't

never even seen one you're talking about and i have proof of it i'm the unrefeatable proof

Proof from the GPS.

I'm sorry.

Fax machine.

You're a common thief.

Machine.

Get it right.

I get to the bottom of it.

Call up and give my casino host a hard time.

We will get to me.

If you have a fax machine, then what button do you push to send stuff?

Push 9-0-pause to get an outside line.

No, no.

We are through a network inside the company.

No, no.

You hit send.

You don't even know how to use a fax machine.

You don't even know.

I have a fax machine.

I operate it every day and everything goes through.

Don't tell me I don't know how to operate it.

That's nice, honey. Okay. Listen, so I have proof. I turn on my iPhone machine. I turn on the GPS, and I'm telling you signs all over.

Wanda Nelson this. Wanda Nelson has the phone. Wanda Nelson made a phone call. Phone calls all over the place.

Send me the proof. Send me the proof, because I don't have to find out who does. Send me the proof, and I will find out who has it.

Listen, and then somebody told me that they saw you eating chicken, and then you weren't cleaning your fingers, and you were touching all the dirty grease on top of my phone.

You know what?

Just keep it if you're so little.

I do not have a phone.

Can you please tell me where you are?

Because the 407 is not even a local number where I am.

That's right, yes.

This is the phone that you stole.

I'm having the phones forwarded.

You don't have your phone.

Where are you located?

I was in the casino.

I decided to go out to eat and cool down.

When were you in the casino?

I'm going to speak.

When were you in the casino?

Ma'am, this is getting a little personal, don't you think?

I was at the machine.

Okay, but when?

The machine, yes, today, the machine.

You know the machine with the lights that goes bing, bing, bing, bing, bing?

You know that one?

I don't have lights that do that.

Which machine are you playing?

The game machine, you know?

We have game machines.

Which one were you playing?

This, okay, you put in the money in it, right?

And it has this, it has buttons.

We have machines that take money.

Yeah, but it has the buttons, and you pull the thing.

It's like, doong, doong, doong.

I don't have buttons.

Bing, bing, like that.

They all have buttons, ding, ding.

It's got numbers on it.

Which one were you playing?

And they all have numbers.

I'm just going to come in for a refund, I think.

This is what I'm going to do.

You come and see me.

It would be great.

Come and see me.

Are you threatening me?

No, I want you to come and talk to me so we can straighten it out.

All right, but if we're going to talk, we're going to talk like men.

You understand?

I'm not a man.

Fine.

Maybe that's the problem.

I would like to send you my address so that you can send that to me,

since you don't seem to think I know how to work a fax machine.

I would like to see the proof of this, because I don't appreciate this.

I didn't do what you're accusing me of.

I would like to straighten it out.

I would hope you would, but...

Give me an address, and I will send you something.

Oh, you're going to send me something?

I'll send you my address so that you can send me proof.

I want to see the proof.

I can tell you the truth.

So are you telling me that I have to give you all this information again?

Because if I do, I'm going to have a fit now on the phone.

I'm going to have a fit.

Well, I'm going to get so sick.

Sick to my stomach.

Sick.

This isn't fair.

Not willing to talk.

I had you say.

Here, you try.

I want to make sure you have the right.

The Aquarius.

for the fifth time tonight you know i can i curse is that okay or should i not curse

no because i'm not going to talk with you okay i have a curse don't accuse me of cursing i'm just

i'm just telling you before i do i'm gonna put up with it i'm trying to help you

you can either cooperate with me or not i don't i at this point i'm past caring

whether you want to cooperate with me or not

He was doing good.

He's got a little spasm of twits there.

He was doing good.

I'll talk to you when I come back.

Where is security?

Ridiculous, sir, ridiculous.

Is there an address that I can write to to complain, a P.O. box somewhere where I can write a letter

and complain about this horrible service that I've gotten from Corey, from the Filipino kid, from Dolores,

from the snotty girl that answered the phone in the casino when I made the complaint about the money

that got taken from me and there was this other white kid called vincent or something like that

it was a little feminine also it was a little jerk to me well why don't i do this don't threat

listen the first thing is you don't threaten me don't you dare threaten me anymore you were never

threatened but i'll tell you this right now i'm not going to talk to you continue okay you can

change to how you want to deal with this way you're at it you've never spoke with me until

the previous phone call okay okay i've treated polite and i've tried to assist you i'm not going

I'm going to if you're ranting and raving and carrying on and making funny noises on the phone.

Now, what I was going to suggest is why don't you talk to my supervisor?

And then maybe he can take whatever complaints you have about the employees that you've dealt with previously.

You know, Corey, what you think are funny noises are not that to me.

It's a problem that I have.

Do you want to talk to the supervisor?

It's a problem that I have.

They're not funny noises, sir.

I've dealt with this since I was a teenager.

What's with the breathing?

Hey, buddy, what's your goddamn problem?

Hey, how you doing there, boss?

I'm not doing too good.

You're trying to scam my son here out of $30 or something so you can get your goddamn dope.

It's bath salt, sir.

It's legal.

It's not dope.

You're using it for dope.

You're hooked on it.

And he ain't giving you no goddamn $30.

Well, I fixed his goddamn car, son of a bitch.

You didn't even do nothing to his car, buddy.

I went out there and looked at it.

That car ain't been wrecked.

What do you know about cars?

I know.

I went out there and looked.

You don't know shit.

I know you're a goddamn crook.

Faggots don't know about cars.

You're a goddamn crook.

How would you know about cars?

You can't even drive.

And you're on dope and you're probably drunk right now.

That's why you're calling him here to try to get $30.

Crazy, blind, diabetic old man.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to scam him.

Do they have any work I can do?

You're a scammer.

No.

It ain't going to work.

Please, please.

It ain't going to work.

You don't know how hard it is.

is I can't get bath salts out of my mind.

I don't give a goddamn about a bath salt.

You're not scamming him.

Oh.

Do you have any beer or something?

I don't know.

Can you buy me a beer?

I couldn't afford to buy beer.

Then what do you know about cars?

You don't know anything about cars.

I'm not going to buy your goddamn dope for you.

Faggot.

Goddamn dope head.

I'm not a dope head.

That's not nice.

It's bath...

Goddamn snorting son of a bitch.

It's bath salts.

Your wife's probably in goddamn jail.

I don't have a wife.

I have a girlfriend.

Fill them bath salts for your ass.

Oh, that's true.

You probably got her sent off.

Goddamn habit you're doing.

Yeah, it is, actually.

I put her on the street.

She got picked up for prostitution.

Yeah, she probably did just to get your goddamn shit.

She did.

That is true.

It's not funny, sir.

That is what happened.

I believe it.

I know how you guys operate.

That's all you're worried about is something going up your nose.

That's true.

That's all you're looking for is to rip somebody off.

I'm sorry.

Well, you're not going to aggravate me.

I'm going to get tail off, and you're not getting no goddamn $30 from him.

Well, can he buy some bath salts for me?

Get that shit.

If you go to the gas station, they have them for $10, the bath salts.

Well, goddamn $10 and goddamn a bath salt.

Goddamn you.

And goddamn you, too, because you ain't getting no goddamn $10, $30.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

Goddamn you to hell, goddamn it.

Yeah.

Motherfucker.

Yeah.

Son of a bitch.

bitch, goddamn motherfucker.

Oh, you goddamn you.

Goddamn you in the ass.

Motherfucker.

Goddamn you shit in the ass, bitch.

Goddamn fucker.

Fuck shit.

Goddamn it.

I'll be snorting bath salts up your goddamn nose

so you can snort something up your ass.

I know you don't got a goddamn clear.

I'm sorry.

I know you're sorry.

I'm sorry about all this.

I know you're sorry.

It ain't going to work here.

Is there any work?

It's going to work.

Can I fix something for you?

I'll fix everything.

Get you some goddamn help.

Can I park your car?

I'll get you some goddamn help.

You motherfucker.

Get your girlfriend off the street, punk.

Go get yourself some help.

What was your name, buddy?

Go get yourself some help.

Do you go to church?

Yeah, I go to church.

Well, you think maybe you could introduce me to the pastor to get me some help?

I wouldn't even talk to him about it.

I need help.

I'm trying to help too much.

I ain't got time for you.

you please i'll give you thirty dollars well you give me the thirty dollars and i'll do that and

then you buy me the bath salts and you bring them to me oh i ain't buying shit to bring to you you

give me the thirty dollars i'll talk to him did you check the car you sure you check the car i

checked the car and ain't a goddamn thing wrong with it and like i told him you're doing nothing

but trying to scam him well you're a scammer it's probably because you're so stupid and old

and blind you know how your sorry ass work punk you're trying to scam somebody ain't gonna work

You're just an old man.

The car ain't fucking been wrecked.

You're an old man who can't see right.

Get the fucking car.

Oh, God, dog.

God, I...

You're getting...

I'll kick the fucking foot up your ass.

You're getting between me and my drugs.

Listen, give me my dope.

You're getting between me and my dope money.

Kick my foot up your fucking ass, motherfucker.

I want bath salts.

I'll kill my mother for bath salts.

Give them to me.

I don't know nobody's going to help you.

You're going to help your goddamn sorry self.

Goddamn you.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn you.

Goddamn you right in the face.

Goddamn your sorry ass.

Goddamn you to hell.

Goddamn you, buddy.

You got to help your own sorry fucking self.

Goddamn you and your coffin.

You're pitiful.

You're fucking pitiful.

You're a fucking junkie.

Listen, I was a high school quarterback.

You're a salt junkie.

I was a high school quarterback.

I was the king of the prom.

Look at me now.

Hello?

I'm with the pizza.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

What happened?

You hung up on me?

What?

No, I didn't hang up on you.

You made an order for a pizza, correct?

Yes.

Do you have your pizza yet?

No.

Okay.

This is a delivery order, I understand.

We want it.

Okay.

According to the computers, the address that you're getting a pizza from delivered to is

we're going to be, pizza's on the way already, but the location you're getting a pizza to

is in a high-risk area, high-risk delivery?

Uh-huh.

You live in a bad place?

Not that I know of.

Well, it's a high-risk delivery area, so there's actually an extra deposit on that.

So, I don't think so.

Well, we've already put a hold on the credit card.

It's a $30 deposit.

This will be released after the pizza is delivered to your...

No, I don't want your pizza then.

You're out of your mind.

We've had it delivered here before, and they've never said anything like that to me before.

Well, we've had some issues with the people, you people, okay?

Us?

Yes, you people, you know what I mean by you people in this neighborhood where you live.

What do you mean?

What does you people mean?

Well, for lack of a better term, white trash.

You're calling us white trash?

You little motherfucker.

I'm going to be down at that store.

I don't know who you think you're talking to, but we have had pizza delivered here.

I don't know how many times.

We just moved here.

I don't know who you think you're talking to.

I'm the manager right now.

Where's the manager?

Don't you dare talk to me like that.

I'm going to make sure you...

Where is the manager?

I want to talk to the manager now.

No, I am the manager.

I'm the owner of the store.

You run that store and you talk to people like this?

You actually called us.

You can't deliver here because we're in a high-risk neighborhood?

No, listen, we can deliver, goddammit.

We can deliver the pizza, but we have already placed...

I'm required to let you know that we've placed a deposit on your card,

an extra hold, $30.

and it will lift as soon as the pizza gets delivered.

We'll take it right out.

I don't want your pizza.

Well, it's already on the way.

And then, listen, listen to me.

Then the $30 deposit stays and the price of the pizza.

Say that again?

Then the $30 deposit stays.

This is exactly what happens in your neighborhood.

You white trash people, you order a pizza like a joke,

and then you tell our driver, oh, no, we didn't order a pizza,

and then, no, we don't want the pizza.

And then what happens?

Pizza sits on the floor.

$30 we're taking out.

We're holding this for you, ma'am.

We're going to keep the $30.

You have got to.

We're sick and tired.

I had you guys come to the door, and you were so nice.

You're being kind of rude.

What's with the woman in the background there who's yelling?

Not right now.

There's somebody here with pizza.

What's the whole point of this?

Well, let it.

Tell him.

You cannot legally put a $30 deposit on my account without my permission.

It's already done.

You did it already?

Are you ready?

Well, you accepted to the terms, but as soon as that delivery driver leaves...

I didn't accept to terms.

Listen.

I had to make a $30 deposit to get pizza delivered to my home.

If you look at the back of your credit card, it says we can...

Read the fine print on the back of the card that you put this purchase on and deposit.

Read the fine print.

Is the delivery driver there?

You are crazy.

Well, I'm...

Lady, what's your problem?

You're going to bounce a check or something?

You don't have enough money?

What's the matter?

I just paid!

We'll release it as soon as the driver gets back safely from your bad neighborhood.

We'll release the hold.

We've had a bad history with the people that live at this address, and that's why I had to do this.

Are you there?

Hello?

Hey, dude, who is this?

What?

Who is this?

I placed a $30 charge.

Dude, we know that you guys are messing with someone over here.

We're going to call the cops on your act.

You can't charge someone else's credit card.

Well, we had to put a deposit because it's a bad neighborhood.

There's no way you're going to have any clue as to what you're talking about.

out that stuff doesn't go on it i worked there for 12 years oh this must be a misunderstanding

then there better be a misunderstanding dude you're going to jail oh no he's been threatening

you can't call people up and threaten them i didn't threaten anybody i just told them about

the 30 news you are not my boss i work at that you are not the boss there well i'm better freaking

hang the phone up now or i'm calling the police what's your hang up now what what hang up now

Did you receive the $30 charge?

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Ryan got the call.

He commanded you to hang up the phone.

Here we go.

Jeremy said a laundry basket fell out of his truck.

This guy's laundry basket fell out of his truck.

Moving stuff yesterday.

A laundry basket fell out of the trailer on Beacon Road.

If you have any info, let me know.

Where are you at?

Can I come get it?

Yeah, but is that her in the back?

Yeah.

Can I talk to her first?

Yeah.

Yeah, I found this hamper on the highway.

I ran over it, and then I stopped, and I went back and got it,

and it has panties and some tank tops.

Yeah, those are mine.

Yeah, I want to give it back,

but do you think maybe I could keep one of the panties or two of them?

Which ones?

I don't know.

There's, like, these white ones here.

I don't know.

I'll have to see them before I can tell you.

Yeah, but can I just keep some of them?

Maybe I'll have to see them before I can tell you which ones you can keep.

Well, you'll let me keep your panties and stuff?

If I get my stuff back.

Oh, that's good.

But they're all washed, right?

Huh?

They're all washed, like you washed them all already?

Because I was smelling them, and they smell clean.

They don't smell dirty or anything.

I was trying to find...

They might be.

I don't know.

Where are you at?

Can we meet up with you right now?

Yeah, that's fine.

I'm at the Burger King.

This is where I work.

Where's Burger King?

Oh, gosh.

I'm a little worried to tell you.

I just want to, you know...

I'll let you know,

No, but let me just figure this out first with the panties.

I was smelling them.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not going to just let you have my panties if you're not going to give me my stuff.

Like, that's weird.

So we can meet up and we can discuss on what kind of panties you want,

but I'm not going to say yay or nay until I get the rest of my stuff.

I know.

Well, I'll definitely give them back to you.

Okay, so can we meet up with you right now?

Like, it's getting late.

We have to work tomorrow.

In a few minutes.

Yeah, but listen, I was sniffing them to see if there was a nice ripe pear,

you know, a nice ripe pear of them, you know,

like some stains and stuff but they don't seem to be dirty or anything i don't know if you

do you have have you done your laundry the rest of your laundry this week what does it have to

do with the rest of my stuff well maybe we meet up with you or not are you not going to give me

my stuff or what i will if you give me a like the panties the dirty ones you have on right now then

i'll give you the the clean ones that are here i just want i just want dirty panties that a girl's

already worn that's all i'm interested in yeah i'll get you some dirty panties now where are

are you located at so we can meet up with you can you guarantee that they're dirty i can guarantee

that they are dirty okay all right i'm gonna go through these and find the ones i want to keep and

then i'll call you back and i'll let you know i don't want you to go through them to figure out

which ones you want to keep i want to meet up with you so we can go through them together and

then we can discuss if you want them if i want them what's going on well i'll call you i'll call

you back after i go through them i want to go no you're not gonna call me back after you look

through them either we're gonna meet up hello do you not have my hamper or what yes i do it's a

little broken because i ran over with the car once okay what else is in the hamper there's a

few tank tops there's a pair of jeans what else panties what else uh that's all i can see right

here right now it's in my car like i said i'm at work right now i'm gonna but i thought you said

you've already went through them and you've kind of smelled some so you should know what's in there

no just the panties i i went in and i grabbed i saw some panties and i was smelling them but

but then I had to clock in.

I didn't have too much time.

So what's the hamper look like now?

It's just a regular laundry hamper, you know?

I know.

What color is it?

It's white.

Okay.

All right.

So come on.

I'll give you all of them back if you just give me maybe.

I'll go through them.

I'll call you back after I go through them.

I want to take pictures of them and everything.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

If you want something of mine,

then we're going to have to sit down and discuss which ones you want

and if I want to give them to you.

All right.

I'm giving you a pair, but you might not get the pair that you want

because I might want them.

Well, if I like them, I'm going to keep some of them first, you know,

and then I'll call you back when I made my decision on the ones I want to keep.

All right?

No!

That's not going to happen.

Oh, man.

Well, then I can't help you then.

I don't know what to tell you.

Well, you left it.

You left it on the road.

You left a nice, you know, juicy pairs of panties and bras and stuff,

so I'm keeping these.

So there's panties and bras and jeans, and what else did you say was in there?

I don't know if there's, I didn't see any bras yet.

I'm just thinking there might be some bras in the bottom of it, you know?

So are you saying there's...

So you want two pairs of panties, and I get the rest of my stuff back.

The sexy panties.

So we will meet up at your Burger King work, and I will give you the pair of panties that I have on right now.

I will take them off in front of you so you can have them, and I will get the rest of my stuff.

You'll take them off in front of me?

Yeah, I will.

So, where are you at so we can meet up?

Because I would like to get my stuff.

And you can have the panties that I have on right now that I've been wearing all day.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

I don't have time for you to give me a call.

Like, we have got to do this.

Like, we're getting ready to go to bed.

Like, we have to work in the morning.

Okay.

Either you want to do this or you don't want to do this at all.

I do.

I'm interested, but I'm most interested in, you know, making sure that the panties I get are nice, sexy.

Well, the panties you have on now that you're going to give me, are they nice panties or, like, sexy?

Yeah, they're black and cute.

Are they what? They're what now? I'm sorry.

What?

What did you say?

Are they sexy panties that you have on now, or what are they, like?

Yeah, who doesn't want sexy panties?

Okay, I mean, well, are they pink? What are they?

What did I just say? They're pink and black with lace.

Now, where are you at so I can give these to you so you can give me my stuff?

um all right you know the it's i'm over here in uh discovery place what discovery place

downtown boise yeah okay so you're in downtown boise and you have my laundry hamper yeah yeah

i was visiting where'd you pick this laundry hamper up at it was on the highway oh what the

fuck was it i was driving i drive a ford escort i was on you was okay what you drive i want to

know where you were going that you picked it up it was around beacon road okay yeah thank you very

much come on just give me some panties give me some panties i want panties please she's gonna

show me hey she's gonna take your drunk motherfucker she's gonna show me her panties

or take her pants off in front of me man it's fucking it's hot hey hey nice dumbass do you

Do you want to have my basket or not?

Or are you just fucking around on Craigslist?

No, no, I have her basket with her panties in it.

You're going to cancel it?

Yeah, I don't like Chinese food.

Yeah.

You're saying you're going to cancel it, is that right?

I don't like Chinese food, yeah.

I don't like Chinese...

Just get the fuck out of here, okay?

I don't like Chinese people.

Why don't you just come over?

Because, I don't know.

Just get the fuck out of here, okay?

Well, look at the way you're talking to me.

Why would I come down there?

Okay, listen.

What?

Listen, if you want, just come over.

If you want to play, just come over.

Face to face, son.

What are you going to do?

You're a shorty.

I'm asking you, what are you going to do?

You're a fucking asshole.

You get hurt.

He told you to get out of here, then he told you to come over.

Yeah, right.

You're stupid.

Just come over.

You're stupid.

You call me in the morning and tell me all kinds of bullshit.

Now I'm putting everything ready.

Then you're going to get it canceled.

What the hell are you fucking doing?

I don't like Chinese people.

I don't like Chinese food.

Hey, fuck you at all.

What do you want me to do?

Okay.

How much is the total?

That doesn't matter, okay?

Okay? If you come out, I'll do you fucking free.

You wanna do that?

For free? Yeah.

Okay, thanks.

Remember, my name's Cameron, okay?

I'm the first guy to see you while I'm here.

You're the stupid immigrant Cameron.

Your name isn't Cameron.

Holy shit.

He's riled up, man.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Don't be mad like that, okay?

So why are you doing this one? Why?

I'll come in and I'll pay.

It doesn't matter, okay?

So you didn't make it.

You're not supposed to do people like this way, okay?

You didn't make it then.

I don't give it back to you.

Why did you do that to me?

Did you make the food or no, stupid shit?

What happened?

It's already been done, my son.

Then I'm coming in to buy it, asshole.

Why are you so mad?

All right, see you.

Huh?

See you.

And then I'm going to punch you right in the face.

I'm going to throw the food on you.

If you don't do that, you're a son of a fuck, okay?

Do that.

Why don't you take a shit in the food and then eat it, asshole?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I wanted to make an order.

Do that again?

You think that's fun?

Just one order.

Not that at all.

Okay.

They're just going to make that even right now, okay?

What?

You don't owe me.

I don't owe you.

That's it.

Let's go get my fucking dates going on.

That's it.

Is that okay?

Listen, you're going to owe me when I come down there.

Okay.

That's for an apology for the way you're talking to me.

That's you going to owe me.

No.

Shit, I owe you.

I think my friend here owes you a knuckle sandwich, you fucking goddamn embergris.

All right.

Listen.

Hello?

Let me spend, let me, I mean, I'm trying to be this boy, okay, listen, let me spend one

minute with you, okay?

Let you try to get the English language down.

Okay, let's get out of here, okay?

Let's get out.

I like you so, so, so, so, so.

Okay, listen, you don't have to lie to me, out of respect, son.

Okay.

What up, son?

You don't have to lie to me, bud.

You got that?

You want to be in our cypher?

What you want?

You on a battle rap, baby, now.

I mean, hey, you guys, listen.

Okay, totally, I can hear that right now.

I mean, get out of here, alcoholics, okay?

Go somewhere else.

I'm an alcoholic, and I take offense for being called an alcoholic.

I'm just a drug user.

You got a damn zipper head like you.

You want me to just go in the church's number and find out where you're at?

Yeah, do that.

And what, the children's number?

What the fuck are you even saying?

and go in the children's number and find out where the fuck i'm at can i help you how you doing uh

i'm calling uh my brother just called me and i'm three-waying him in he's stuck in your elevator

yeah you want to talk to him because i got him on the phone i don't have any elevator

what elevator are you stuck in uh i think it's the main elevator are you yeah what room number

you in because i don't have anybody stuck in my elevator i was visiting someone here i don't have

a room number i don't know i don't even have your phone number i had to call my brother he says he's

in the shaft yeah i'm on the top of the elevator he's in the shaft what is he doing in the shaft

beats me he told me to call you he didn't have your number he's in my shaft in my basement no

No, up your shaft.

What floor are you on?

I have no idea.

It keeps going up and down, and eventually it might come up to me, and maybe I can ride it down.

I can barely hear you.

So what is your name?

Huh?

In Waikiki?

Yeah, yeah, my name's Brian.

What?

Reinbolt.

What? I'm sorry, what's your last name?

Reinbolt, Brian Reinbolt.

How do you spell your name?

You said Reinbolt.

Reinbolt.

Bolt?

Yeah.

Bolt is the last name?

Ryan Bolt.

I hear you guys.

Ryan.

Ryan Bolt.

Okay, his last name is Bolt?

Yeah, it's Ryan, R-E-I-A-H-N, Bolt.

And the last name is Bolt?

Yes.

You're fucking stupid!

Here, I'm scared!

Excuse me, I'm trying to find out where you're located.

I've heard it before.

When he gets angry like this, he starts kicking shit.

Okay, can you calm down, Ryan?

because what floor are you on?

I don't have anybody in my cameras.

I'm not on the floor.

I'm in between floors or something.

I don't know.

Excuse me?

I'm in between fucking floors or something.

I don't fucking know.

Where are you in the elevator?

How did you get into my elevator shaft?

I crawled up to the elevator ceiling.

I took the panel down.

Oh, my God.

Why are you doing that?

Okay.

What floor are you on?

Please get out of there.

Uh-huh.

Down here.

Can you tell?

Do you need to go stealing? I need your help. Please come in the MLB office now.

Excuse me?

Hey!

Okay, how did...

The elevator wasn't running, so I got on top of it, I faced it, I spliced two wires, and it started moving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, the person that has me on the phone...

The person that has me on the phone...

Talking to me and my brother.

You.

Okay, what's up?

He's in my elevator shaft.

He said he took the cover off the top, and he went up top.

Okay.

Elevator, was he in number one or two or three?

Hey, Brian, which one are you in?

She said one, A, or C.

Uh, oh, I don't know.

Like, I don't know.

Someone came to my door.

Can you line to Jose M. of the office?

Yeah, Jose, can I smoke up here?

What is he wearing?

He wants to know if he can smoke up there.

No, no, no.

What letter was he in?

He didn't tell me.

He said he did.

He said, what did you say, two?

I don't know.

One of those numbers.

Yeah.

I got to take a shit.

Okay, wait.

Hear you, sir.

He says he has to take.

He said he has to take a shit.

I got to take a shit.

Okay, listen.

Excuse me, sir.

I need you guys here.

I'm trying to rein him in.

Sir, sir.

He's defecating in the, in the vent.

He's defecating in the vent.

Great flame.

Yeah, you fuckers lost.

Yeah, you lost.

You lose, motherfucker.

Let me tell you what.

Yeah?

Why don't you go and fuck yourself, okay?

Piece of shit, Greek.

Piece of shit.

I'm a piece of shit.

You're a motherfucker fucking idiot.

You're a malaka.

You're a malaka fucking...

I'm a malaka.

If I have you in front of me, I'll show you who's a malaka.

Yeah, I'll fuck your mom in front.

Yeah, piece of shit.

You fucking stupid motherfucker.

That's what you are.

And you know what?

I'll fuck your mom, your dad, whoever your fucking family, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

I'm Costa Rican and I'm better than you.

You know what?

Fuck Costa Rica.

I'll fuck Costa Rica.

I will fuck Costa Rica today.

I'm going to fuck two Costa Ricans today.

To show you who fuck who.

Motherfucker, piece of shit.

Yeah, we fucked you.

You fucked you.

We fucked Greece.

You fuck yourself you motherfucker

I'm gonna call the police

Okay hey police is coming

Fuck you

Fuck you your family

All Costa Rica plus all your fucking country

Forever you have left

That's what you are you fucking bitch

Loser

I'm a loser

I'm a loser I'm a fucking loser

Because I fuck you anytime I want

Yeah but you still suck at football

You suck my dick

That's what you do.

Okay?

Pustis.

You understand that?

You pustis?

Yeah, pustis.

Put your...

My dick in your ass, you pustis.

Yeah, you want it because you're pustis.

Okay, okay.

You want my...

You track the number?

Listen.

Okay, we got the number.

You know what?

I'm going to call the fucking cops,

or I'm going to call my friend, Mafia,

when I come and kick your ass up there.

Now, fuck you.

I'm going to get you fucking pieces, bitch.

Fuck you.

I'm going to cut you pieces from your dick

up to your fucking head.

Because that's where you deserve to be.

Wait.

You have your balls?

Wait.

Okay, come.

I can fuck your friend.

I'll fuck your friend.

You'll fuck my friend?

You, motherfucker, piece of shit, lose no number.

Because if you don't lose the number, I'm going to call my friend now.

Fuck you.

All right.

Well, that was that.

That's the last call.

For anyone who's still listening, thank you very much for supporting me for the last 10 years.

I just wanted to say, you guys, I don't know how I could have made it.

I would have been through some dark times in the last 10 years if it wasn't for this show.

And especially for the best group of listeners and fans that any podcaster could hope to have.

You guys fucking rock and I love doing this for you.

And I hope to keep doing this as long as I can.

As long as the good Lord lets me.

Right? Right.

I'm going to hang off the air here so I can get some sleep.

And tune in to Macron and Mistress Morgan, who are doing an after show as we speak.

All right.

Good night, guys.

Madhouse 10 Year Anniversary Part 4 of 4

Calls (53, 3 h 51 min of 5 h 29 min)

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