Shit Water

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid callings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

What you listening to, son?

I don't think you like it.

Well, why not?

I like this new generation of music.

God, it's all toilet sounds.

Where did you record this?

I bought it at the mall. It's a funny phone jerks. Let me tell you Bobby

There's nothing funny about these sounds what that person on your tape has is a medical disorder

Now you get ready for the game, okay?

Yes, sir. That boy ain't right. I shit my pants last night. I did

Went out and had a great meal. Just a great fucking meal. I had to go to the bathroom so bad in the car

I'm going travel. I got shit

i had fucking shit in my pants i wouldn't i'm good twice a year for that when was the last

time you shit your pants yeah been a while it's been a long time i was in vegas a couple years

ago just an honest to god true story staying at the bellagio i went over the mirage for dinner

met some friends of mine over there went to kokomo's a great little steakhouse the guy brings

out some fresh crab legs he just came in i gotta give them to you guys brings i'm eating them then

Then we go play gamble a little bit.

I had a tea time early in the morning.

So I said, look, I got to get going.

I'm walking back to the hotel.

I get three quarters of the way out of the lobby.

And all of a sudden I go, oh, fuck.

And I'm standing here like this.

I got my butt pinched so fucking, I'm fucked.

I can't move.

All of a sudden, you know, felt all right.

I went just like this.

Water.

I had some food poisoning from the crabs.

Take off my leather jacket.

Tied it around my waist.

And I'm just standing there, and it's just running down my leg.

I got jeans on, black bucks, no socks.

And I just start fucking walking.

Every time I'm walking, something's coming out.

It's water.

Straight fucking water.

Then, I tell you how sick I was.

I tell you how sick I was.

Then I'm standing outside.

I get on my cell phone, and I call the guy.

I said, Larry, you won't believe this.

I'm standing outside the fucking Bellagio.

I can't move.

I got shit everywhere.

I shit all over myself.

And Larry's about a 48 waist.

so he brings me over a pair of pants and then some towels and some towels and so

he then he comes over he meets me where I'm still tell him where I'm standing he

finds the closest bathroom when you go up the escalator to go into the fuck I

can't get in the elevator so so he goes in he finds the closest bathroom in a

lobby of the hotel and then I get in the escalator and he kind of sounds like he

dropped something so no one gets behind me tells me where it is I go in there he

He goes and gets the towel all wet for me, throws it over the fucking stall.

I take off all my fucking clothes, just wipe off, leave my shoes, my pants, everything right there,

the towels right there in the stall, and I'm walking barefoot with my shirt

and his pants that are 48 waist through the lobby like this at midnight.

Got up in the morning, took the most perfect double-tapered shit I've ever had in my life.

True story. The pitcher's in this game.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Maybeck of the evening.

Attendants and fans watching around the line.

This is a prank call show called Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio is the name of this prank call show.

And we start off by doing a prank call.

Thank you.

Thank you for calling the Sacramento Riverside Target Store.

Damn it.

Our normal store business hours are Monday through Saturday, 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.,

and Sunday, 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.

It's located at the intersection.

For the photo lab, press 5 to speak to the store operator.

Please wait or press 0 to stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

I hope you find something.

Hey.

Hello.

Hi, is that Kim?

Yes.

Kim, so I don't know if you've ever been to the, you know, right across the street.

I went to that Iron Grill.

Uh-huh.

I just went over there, and they know me, and they had some crab legs that just came in.

And they said, you've got to have these.

You've got to have these.

The owner came out and said, you've got to have these.

So we had them.

He said, fresh crab legs.

And I came over here to Target now, and I just felt it, you know, grumbling in my stomach.

And I was out by the seasonal area.

um and i started walking to try to get to the restrooms i don't have no idea where they are

um and literally at one point i stopped because i felt another and then uh i took okay so what

are you saying there's a we need to do a cleanup somewhere yeah i took one step and i'm telling you

it just came out it just gushed out like all the way down my leg um like a geyser yeah and it's just

It's just water.

Okay, I understand that.

We need to do a cleanup.

Where is it at?

I have no idea what aisle I'm at, to be honest.

It smells really bad.

And, oh, okay, here.

So you're in the store?

Here comes another one.

Come on.

That part was unbelievable.

The rest was okay.

I was going to say, why was that part unbelievable?

Thank you for calling the Sacramento Riverside Target Store.

Our normal store business hours.

please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator i got the fuck

you button i gotta hang up pickup hang up based on the caller id whatever let's call that iron

grill across the street tell them my target let me pull up their menu because i don't know if

they have crab legs you gotta have just water menus they have several great way to make it

confusing uh dinner menu i suppose it's on drop box go right sandwiches entrees stay i'm looking

for seafood maybe the prime rib gives me a shit if you don't do prime rib right you can get real

sick fucking watery i hate that prime rib shit man i don't know why and a lot of uh it's like

a lot of colored people love that prime rib it's not my thing the negroes like it ain't no sirloin

steak i'll tell you what all right here we go iron grill home of the uh iron chef mario batali

This is Jacqueline. How can I help you?

Hey, hold on.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yes.

I ate there. I had the prime rib.

I'm here at the Target across the street.

I tell you, I had the prime rib there.

The guy told me that it was fresh and I had to have it.

He's like, you guys didn't have it, so I ate it.

And I started walking over here, just looking at some stuff,

and I started feeling it in my stomach, and I took one step.

And I'm telling you, it's like water.

water uh it's just water just came right out on my ass um down my leg completely soaked my shoes

my socks yeah yeah okay one second all right hello what can i help you what yeah you can go ahead

have you been briefed i'm sorry have you been briefed i can't understand what you're saying

have you listened to her while she's telling you what happened i'm not gonna say it again

excuse me i'm not gonna say again what happened to me can you listen to her she's i i cannot

understand you sound like you're echoing i can't understand what you're saying i'm in the bathroom

i'm in the bathroom i'm sorry i'm gonna hang up now no don't hang up sorry i'm outside of

the bathroom now computers don't connect

their phone there they go this fucking software it hangs on to their line

if they pick it up for like if they don't hey listen come on i need help yeah well i'm just

saying that i mean i'm stuck here in the bathroom now in target i can't get out hey sir can i help

you yeah hi were you briefed on the situation here i'm sorry can you repeat that have you been

briefed on the situation here uh slightly um and it's from what i gather it sounds like a medical

issue you need to call 911 shut up please tell me what you know and i'll catch you up uh apparently

there was a i don't know some sort of issue with the bowels after you ate here i'm at the target

across the street i just had prime rib over there the guy i wasn't you you were someone whoever got

me this said you need to have this it's fresh you need to have this you guys got to have this and i

got it and i boy i tell you i started walking over here at target um i'm way in the back of

at the store you know where the seasonal stuff is but by the garden center uh i was all the way back

there and i started feeling the you know like a grumble and i stopped for a minute you know and

my guy was with me he's you know my my bodyguard he was like no you're all right you're all right

man and i'm like no it's and i'm ty took one step and it was like whoosh water just water

straight water yeah that's definitely not something the food most likely did it sounds

like it's much more medical yeah well it's so no well how come it happened after i i had my first

meal of the day this prime rib it was all bloody why was it so wet and bloody it shouldn't have

been red or bloody we cooked it well done on it was really wet there was all these wet blood all

over it regardless that wouldn't cause water to come out of you what came out of me was exactly

Exactly what the prime rib came in.

It was swimming in this vile water.

It was eggs.

Yeah, it's vile.

Yeah, that's not vile.

That's just eggs.

What kind of eggs are these?

Normal eggs.

Rat eggs or something?

No, just normal eggs.

All right, but look, I'm stuck here, and I'm a size 46 waist.

They barely have anything in a size 46.

Yeah, you definitely need to, it sounds like, call either an ambulance or a clinic,

something where you can get medical help yeah but you guys can come over here

there's nothing we can do though did you just get me like a pair of xl shorts or something

you can contact the owner listen listen and his name is bill hey hey man hey dude can you

yes i'm listening now i'm talking to the guy who's pissing next to me who's ignoring me

hey sir can you do you think you can help me he's yelling at the guy

Do you think you can blow, please?

So why don't you call either an ambulance or Target help if you're stuck there?

Yeah, there's not much I can do.

Can you transfer me then?

I can't transfer you, unfortunately.

This phone doesn't have that capability.

Well, just connect us on the line then or something.

Yeah, I have to hang up and you have to call us.

I don't have any more portals.

So take care.

This is my last porter.

Our normal store business hours are Monday through Saturday.

please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator oh they're still

hanging up on me at the target come on fine we'll move on from this premise let me see if i received

any numbers from dwight to dwight mcclanahan his last message to me they all get some i need

numbers as lonesome may hear you lonesome has not here yet lonesome may not know that i'm even on

just finally got him coming back and i took a break because that 12 hour show became a 14 hour

The last show I did was that big 10-year anniversary show.

That was a lot of fun.

I want to, again, thank everybody.

That's what Busta says.

Listen, what I was trying to get at was I want to thank everyone who contributed

and helped out and who tuned in there were people who tuned into the entire 14 hour thing

several people in chat i'm sure there were more uh than i noticed and that's fucking awesome

it was a feat for me i mean you could probably hear if you listen to it i'm babbling at the

i'm getting to the babble point um i really wanted a big pcn family kind of thing everyone

but brad couldn't make it and jayad couldn't make it and so many people couldn't make it

unfortunately uh but it was cool having um a lot of us but you can the biggest problem was

the skype had i think 10 people at one point on a conference not including me and it just started

like messing with all sorts of audio issues on that machine that i use for those purposes

so note to self i'm never going to have that many people in the conference before unless i

upgrade the machine that i use for the uh telephony and audio conferencing separate

machine system i use and it's that's how i i came up doing it it's the process

that brad and i kind of melded together kind of comparing our two setups

i love i have an external mixer here i love that setup um but yeah it gives me the ability to have

background music and stuff uh while we're talking and while we're doing pranks and stuff i love it

i really recommend if you're looking to start doing a prank show of your own

try the easiest way to do it uh because i can help you out and brad can help you out

is if you're using two machines i think slop is using two machine solution also yeah anyway enough

bullshit listen let's get to some more prank calls i'm gonna call walgreens i'm gonna be honest with

you i don't like prank calling walgreens because a lot of times a it's very hard to get through

their phone menu it just wants to throw a bunch of fucking shit at you um b the people don't

bullshit. They're usually at Walgreens.

They're just like, kind of, okay, and they hang

up.

But let's see. Let's see.

Let's see if I can tell them I took a shit.

Photo.

To hear store hours and location,

press 7. For customer service,

press 0. To return to the

main... Please remain on the line to speak

with a member of our staff. Photo has become

just a fucking...

Oh, I thought I heard an answer.

Photos has become like a kiosk the size of a 90s Xerox printer.

That used to be a department that took up a lot of space.

My name is Luis. How may I help you be well?

Hey, motherfucker. I'm looking to see if you have a specific item there.

Okay.

Listen, to be honest with you, I'm in the bathroom right now.

Uh-huh.

Do you know the Iron Grill that's a little down the way from here?

I'm actually not sure.

Well, right down the street, you know, if you go, you know, X street right behind the Walgreens, you know how, you know how it's one way. So there's a grill, uh, the next it's, it's, it's two, it's two blocks down. Listen, it's in front of the target. It's called iron grill. And I was there and I had some crab legs, uh, that they gave me. And I started walking here at the Walgreens. I came here to pick up some scripts and it was just like water just came out.

okay um i it soaked my socks it soaked my shoes my shoe my one shoe went down my leg

and i'm in the bathroom right now okay um do you have like any size 46 shorts or something

maybe they got some paper shorts like they give you at the doctors when you have surgery

paper underwear we got numbers from dwight and that's great i forgot to turn my video on

Son, please stand by.

I'm on tinychat.com slash prank Paul Nat Ion.

I've been having problems today with my headphone wire.

It keeps getting stuck in between my toes.

It's really long.

It gets in between my toes and I try to yank it out.

It doesn't actually bend down and get it.

Whatever.

It's taking a long time.

It's not that old people music.

I'll call back.

We never expected it.

Thank you for calling Walgreens, located at Northwest Corner.

See what I mean that it's a pain in the ass to get someone at Walgreens on the phone.

That's why I usually don't prank these guys.

Thank you for calling Walgreens Pharmacy.

Oh, hello, Brittany.

Hi.

Hi, how may I help you?

I was calling the front desk because I ate some bad food at the Iron Grill two blocks down from here.

You know the place?

Yeah.

And I came here to pick up some scripts, and I was walking.

I was halfway in the middle of the store, waking my way to the pharmacy.

And I'm telling you, it's like I took one step, and it was like water just came out of my asshole.

Just water, just like a brownish water, like a broth.

And it's all over.

and it soaked my it soaked my underwears my pants my socks my shoe um okay do you have anything that

i could get um like a pair of do you have a like a size 46 pair of shorts somewhere here i don't

know what i don't believe so did did somebody transfer you back to the pharmacy well they put

me on hold for a long time and then i figured well you're supposed to be you after advice right the

The pharmacist will offer help.

Yeah, I mean, I could let you know which medication may help with that,

but I'm not familiar with what's in the front of the store as far as is short.

What medication can I take?

What do you think will help?

Well, we have some antidiarrheals.

I mean, Imodium is good.

Imodium, let's compare to what?

What options do I have?

What's the difference?

Pepto-Bismol would be another option.

And that works with what, with Bismuth?

Uh-huh.

And what is the Bismuth going to do?

What does it do exactly? Does it bind anything?

No, it would just help sort of soothe the stomach and make you feel better.

I mean, in all reality, you don't necessarily want to stop the diarrhea.

If you've ingested something that's irritating the bowel,

the best thing is actually to get it out of the system and not to stop the diarrhea.

Okay, so what do you have that can help me out do that then?

Well, like I said, we have Imodium.

That would probably be the best thing that I would have over the counter.

What's the active ingredient in Imodium then?

Low paramide.

And so how does that work?

What's the interaction with my bowel system that low paramide has that assists in this?

It slows the GI motility.

Okay, so it'll actually slow down the movement.

But like I said, if you've ingested something that's being a toxin to your gut,

you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.

You'd want to get it out.

And you're saying bismuth just soothes the lining?

Yeah, it soothes the gut and can, you know, make you feel like you don't want to throw up anymore,

not make you feel as nauseated.

It's not necessarily going to help with diarrhea.

Oh, no.

But, you know, if you're feeling nauseated, then you may need that so that you can just, like,

keep fluids down, stay hydrated so that you don't get dehydrated from having a lot of diarrhea.

But the furosemide will slow, no, what is it called?

Loperamide.

Loperamide will slow down the movement in my intestinal tract, my GI.

Correct.

Enough so that, okay.

Are there any other, is there anything else I can, you think I can use?

Not that I can think of.

Those are our two options right now?

Basically.

Okay.

Would taking, like, is there anything that can assist in removing these things from my bowel?

Anything that I can do?

No, not really.

Dude, so I just have to let the time go.

Yes, and like I said, make sure you stay hydrated.

You could consider Gatorade or something like that that has electrolytes in it.

Okay, so I'm going to do this luresamide here.

Go ahead and write up a script for me if you don't mind.

Well, it's over the counter.

Okay, perfect.

That's good.

So I drink this, or is it a pill?

It's a tablet.

There's also liquid.

All right, so let's say the tablet.

The tablet, I will swallow it.

It will go down my mouth, through my mouth, down my esophagus.

And it will go into the stomach at that point.

And I'm guessing that there the pill itself will dissolve.

Correct.

And then the loresamide, is it?

Loperamide.

That will then, I mean, it will mix with the acids.

Will it bind?

Well, I guess so.

Does it act like a numbing agent, let's say?

No, sir, it doesn't.

It's just going to be absorbed and slow the GI motility.

But how does this slow the GI motility exactly?

I don't believe that mechanism is 100% known, and I don't know off the top of my head.

Okay, but then this will have the effect that it will slow down the movement of the bad food that I ate,

which is in my stomach now.

Well, eventually it will slow down the movement of that into being processed in the stomach acids,

and then it moves into the small intestine or the large intestine.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, I'm trying to make sure it goes into the large intestine there

and it just travels through, it's like a mile, right, of intestine?

Sure, yes.

I don't know the answer to that off the top of my head.

And in there, then bile will work to counteract the fats and oils

and then enzymes and bacterias will further break down the food

until it becomes feces, which is the portions that can't be absorbed by the body,

by the GI tract, right, in the digestive process.

Do you mind if I put you on hold so I can help this next customer

and then I'll be right back with you?

No, don't, please.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, but I'm just trying to get this right.

So then what's going on?

I mean, this is basically, it's immediately getting through.

what we're looking for is it to become more solid and compact for the feces to compile in the in the

colon area correct past the sphincter or before the sphincter that's

That's correct.

Before the sphincter, right, is where it happens.

So basically when enough of these feces have compacted,

the certain nerves there will transmit to my brain receptors

the feeling of a need to evacuate my bowels.

Sir, I don't have these answers for you.

I'm going to have to go.

I'm the only one here if I need to help these other customers.

I do very much apologize.

But I push.

I push and the sphincter does open.

The feces is pushed out of the colon and into whatever kind of toilet

it, or defecation receptacle I'm using at the time, and the sphincter closes with an

action that tapers it.

It'll double taper it at the end.

Like I said, sir, I'm not sure.

I just want to make sure that I have the best double tapered shit tomorrow that I can, and

I'm hoping that the loresamide, is it?

Loperamide.

Well, how about...

The hemodium.

Okay, but you do not have a pair of shorts that I can use.

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Okay, now...

It's possible, but I work in the pharmacy, not in the front of the store.

Now, when the feces goes into the water in the toilet and I depress the lever, that goes down into where exactly?

The sewer.

Okay, right.

So it goes through the pipes in the building and it goes into the sewer.

The sewer leads.

From there, maybe it goes to some type of reclamation plant.

Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

Yeah, from there, well, the feces goes to some type of reclamation plant, correct?

correct um it's removed from the water yeah that sounds good it's removed from the water yeah and

it's and then it's further sold off like a fertilizer type yeah i think so that that

sounds like that's probably what happened like a night soil kind of product yeah yeah i think so

okay all right honey all right honey all right well listen so can you what do you think is my

best option now just to get out of here with like really you know get out of where exactly where are

Where are you?

The bathroom, the men's room.

You're in the men's room in the Walgreens here?

Yeah, I told you.

I got diarrhea water all over myself and in the toy aisle.

Yeah, you didn't tell me that.

Well, I did, and that's why I asked if you had a size 46 pants.

Oh, okay.

Well, had you paid attention in the beginning, I didn't have to give you the whole story.

I asked you if you wanted me to put you on hold so I could ask one of our up-front people if we had anything like that.

All right.

Would you like me to find out for you?

Yeah, I need a pair of shorts.

Something so I can get out of here.

If not, I mean...

Okay, will you hold on, please?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Hey, Sax.

Hey, motherfucker.

Hey, we're on the air.

I called you twice today, and I got no answer.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You didn't call my number.

Yes, I did.

I called you twice today and got no answer.

Don't give me that bullfuck now.

Call me back on my number.

Okay, fuck.

All right, bye.

Call me back on the back line.

I'm working, bro.

All right, bye, bye.

I'll call you.

We found the perfect love.

We're on hold.

Cheeto?

We're on hold with Walgreens.

I had a big shit.

Big story about my shit.

You had to take a big shit?

Yeah.

Oh, dang.

Oh, I'm better now.

Did you get your butthole rolled back in your pants now?

Well, the problem is I need a pair of 46 inch short, size 46 shoes.

Excuse me, man.

Well, at least your culo size has come down from 56 to 46.

That's a good sign.

Hell yeah, man.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's like smaller pants, dude.

Relax, we're cool though, you know?

Okay, sir?

I'm trying to live.

Hello?

Yeah, sir, you said you're stuck in our restroom, right?

Well, I'm stuck in a restroom.

A restroom?

Yeah.

But not our restroom?

An employee restroom, perhaps?

I don't know.

What restroom are you in?

Because if you'd be in the bathroom, you should know where you are, right?

Yeah.

I'm in the restroom.

Where are you?

Restroom, the bathroom, and the toilet.

Of what place?

It's a display toilet at the Home Depot.

So you're at a Home Depot right now?

Well, I'm not in the bathroom in the Home Depot, no.

No.

Right.

So what restroom are you in is my question.

It's not a restroom technically.

It's like a display at the Home Depot.

So you're using a display.

Well, I ran in here because of the accident that I had.

Where did you run in to use a display?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

At the Home Depot.

So you are in the Home Depot on the display.

Yes.

But I went to Walgreens to pick up some scripts.

Hello, sir.

So you're not in our store now, correct?

No.

So my question is to you, what exactly are you wanting us to do?

Well, I need a pair of shorts that maybe someone can run over to me here to display at Home Depot.

There's no way we can run them over to you, unfortunately, man.

I can't have my workers just leave and do that.

You have to come in and purchase them.

But it says that the pharmacist can help me out if I have any medical questions.

The pharmacist can help you with complications and things of that nature.

Yeah, well, this is a complication.

I'd say this is a complication.

I don't know that it was the crab legs.

It could have been, you know, something at the Walgreens that I touched.

Right, but one of the things, like, you're asking is, you know, you want us to run these shorts to you, which is something we can't do.

Right, but then when, all right, so that can't happen, but then I was just asking about the whole process.

It was all medical questions.

It's not for you.

No, I understand.

It's for the pharmacist, goddammit.

Like, unless you're taking, like, taking medications or things of that nature, she can't really, you know, diagnose you.

That's the difference.

So you're looking more for a diagnosis, which she's legally not allowed to do.

No, I was looking for medical counseling, private medical counseling.

Did she tell you about what I talked about, right?

No, she didn't.

She just gave me the gist.

She basically told me about the restroom situation.

Guess what?

That's a HIPAA compliance issue right there.

You were looking for shorts?

No.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that was a medical conversation that I had with her, and she just broke HIPAA compliance.

She just said you were in the restroom and you were looking for shorts.

That's what she told me.

She didn't have to talk to you at all about my medical condition.

This is a HIPAA compliance issue.

She didn't think about the medical condition.

What's your name?

What's your full name?

My name is Cameron.

Cameron what?

Cameron Mims.

Well, I'm going to sue you now, boy.

Sue me for what?

Sue you for HIPAA compliance.

I'm the manager.

No, I'm not violating any HIPAA laws whatsoever.

Yes, you are.

How come you know that I need a pair of shorts because I had an accident of diarrhea in the bathroom?

She didn't tell me that.

You just told me that.

She told me you needed a pair of shorts.

You're supposed to get permission.

No, she's not allowed to.

I mean, when I go there and I sign up for Scripps, I clearly hit on the touchpad.

When I check out at the pharmacy, I put down whether or not I decline or agree to be counseled, and I hit agree.

And I sign it, and it comes up once a year, and it says a whole HIPAA compliance thing that you and I both agree to.

Your company and me personally both agree to, and it says that she can't be telling you that I had a diarrhea fucking problem here at the Home Depot because it's a medical.

I mean, she told me herself she was getting into a whole medical explanation.

How are you telling me that she didn't tell you?

No, she's asking me to text you about these shorts that you're asking her about.

That's more of a front-end issue, and being a manager on duty, she asked me to take the call.

Manager on duty.

That's correct.

Very funny.

So I was replying to the shorts that she was inquiring about.

She said, you were stuck in our restroom, and you needed a pair of shorts.

That's what she was telling me.

So I went and checked it out.

Well, that's private medical information.

Meeting a pair of shorts is not medical information.

Yes, it is, because it was during a medical conversation that I had about her,

and it had to do directly with a medical issue that I'm having right now.

Right, but when it's related to me that you're asking about shorts and sizes,

that's not a medical issue.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You fucked up.

You fucked it up.

Big time.

I'm going to get my legal counsel on the line right now.

You done fucked up right now.

He's a Jewish lawyer.

He'll fuck you up.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you have legal counsel?

I don't need it.

This is an illegal issue.

Milkman.

Milkman, I'm explaining to this boy that you're my legal counsel.

Yes.

And at the Walgreens here, they broke HIPAA compliance,

and he's aware that I just had a medical condition spring up,

had diarrhea, feces all over in the Home Depot.

That's correct.

Can you explain to him how he's subject to litigation now, please?

You see?

He got you.

Hello?

Yeah, he got you.

He got you.

Got me for what?

He told you.

Yeah, he said just by the fact.

Exactly what are you talking about?

I don't understand how I'm in violation of anything.

thing. The pharmacist even says I'm not in violation

of HIPAA law and she's part of her job.

Part of my job as well. She's a bitch.

How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

I don't plead at all because

there's nothing to plead for. I command you to plead.

I order you to plead. You can't make me do anything.

I order you to plead right now. You can't make me do anything.

Yes, I do. You can't.

Yes, I just did. I command you.

I command you. You can't

command me to do anything. In the name of the Bill of Rights,

I command you. Sorry, it's not happening.

Do it now. Nope.

Now hang up the fucking phone. Alright, then.

motherfucker all right yay no more echo i got used to the echo i'm gonna this in a display

look when this phone keeps disconnecting shit it's calling back that was fun correct sir hey

you keep uh your phone keeps dropping that's twice i figured it out i figured it out you keep calling

from that weird number so i gotta turn off a certain thing and then it'll allow it in so now

Now I know you're calling for that different number.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, good, good.

All right.

Hey, I'm sorry you didn't get to hear much of that.

I'm sorry, bro.

But I'm glad you're here.

How's work going, man?

Oh, dude, it's a beautiful day today, man.

I mean, it's like 70-plus degrees out here.

I'm sitting here at the beach.

I just took my lunch break.

That's why I called you.

And, like, there's, like, big cookouts here.

There's volleyball games.

Got kids.

Ice.

I'm looking right here at the ocean, man.

I wish you all were right here with me.

Wow.

Enjoying lunch.

You didn't go out running out there and masturbate in front of people?

No, no, no.

I'm back here in the back row kind of where they can't see me wanking.

You're like, hey, guys, look at this.

Yeah, I got my sunglasses on.

You know, it's like the tone of the 7-Eleven parking lot or something.

You know, I'm looking at the beach or a hot chick.

Oh, yeah, I'm touching my stuff.

Oh, yeah, look at her.

Okay, anyway, sorry to distract the show there.

I got a little excited.

No problem.

Hey, if you want to do a prank call, Milkman,

let me know i'm calling this a mercury cougar an 89 mercury cougar for sale i'm not very good

dude but like you know i will yeah if you want all right let me cougar 89 cougar for sale oh my

goodness probably two doors why not two or four cougars are pretty good they were badass the

original ones 70s 80s ones two doors were the bad ones my father had one nothing moves you like

of mercury they used to say the mercury's are badass dude is that a gm forwarded to an automatic

voice they're on answer uh car and then your luxury car was the lincoln what was the what

was the entry mercury has always been in between it's a great car in between what and lincoln what

was it ford and in lincoln uh that's right that's right because on the commercial sometimes they

would say ford lincoln mercury yeah that's right i remember now that's a real fast yeah well it

It was. Ford got the idea to come out with three different price levels of quality.

He was smart, and he originated that idea, you know.

Well, I mean, and all the others.

Because Toyota is the entry level, and above that is...

Well, I should take that back.

I shouldn't say that he originated that idea.

He went with that idea.

Actually, the competition, Buick and Oldsmobile and others came out with the idea.

So he was forced to go with that in the long run.

So what are they, then?

I know Toyota. It's Toyota Lexus Honda and Acura. That's all right

Infinity and Nissan. Oh, okay. Yeah

Any in Nissan and what's the other one? Yeah shit. There's another one

Where Chevy fit into Subaru and that was a Subaru and then what's a WRX with the fucker or the

car to use the Lancer but WRX is right super

They really don't got a lot of...

I think they got more of a performance, like, racing style, you know, like the Lancers.

You don't hear much about Subarus.

I never really hear about...

No, they're really racers.

They're really racers, mostly.

You know, they don't have much of a big presence in, like, passenger vehicles and stuff.

You know, they got the Forester and the Outback.

You know, they're just kind of, like, on that side, you know, like, holding number four slowly, steadily, after all these years.

Yeah.

Cool.

Milkman, I got a number if you want to do a prank.

uh you you're you need to be selling a trailer to haul lawnmowers with someone's looking for one

i don't know if that that works for you if you can work with that or not somebody wants to sell

a trailer someone wants to buy a trailer for lawnmowers kind of like uh the kind of trailers

that lawn scapers would have you know that's right yeah yeah yeah my grandfather used to have

when i used to live there so i'm a bitch up all the time man well he's looking well he's looking

gonna buy one okay you want it or if not yeah i'll fuck around with you man get me started just

bring me in right like you know i introduced me in dude so i'm like thomas a double decker

double tapered yeah i'm a double decker i had horse horse uh trailer you know it's got a second

level on top your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging i'm gonna change my

color ID. Something local.

Anyway.

Okay, that's a more appropriate color ID for this location.

And let's make the machine go again.

Phone machine spaces.

Yes.

We're one hour deep into the programming.

Good.

Have you talked with anybody from the show since we've done it?

Any of the guests?

I thanked KDK.

He said thanks for having him on.

He said he had fun.

Have you spoken with any of the guests since we had the show?

Yeah, KDK, I said.

I just said I thanked him for being on the next day,

And he said thanks for inviting him

He had fun

There was a lot of good feedback on KDK

Everyone loved the fact that he was actually really cool

Like when she cut out

That's why I didn't hear you respond

You know that bop over

But yeah that happened

Wow you know what I was wondering

Why

This is my idea okay

You can blame it on me everybody

I don't give a fuck

What would it hurt if we asked KDK to come on

And join us like on the early part of the show

for a few calls sometimes.

Man, I might.

Would it be a problem?

I mean, I wouldn't have a problem.

If we, like, tried to contact him,

would you mind?

I would love, like, to joke around

how they can, I mean,

you know, all bullshit aside, dude,

I ain't got no problem.

He actually cracked my ass up

the other day.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, that wouldn't be a problem.

I can reach out to him.

Why don't we try to, like,

message him sometime, you know?

I don't know if he could do it today.

It's probably too late,

but, you know, maybe for next week

or, you know, on the side.

I'd love to have him joke around

around with us in the front part of the show you know i mean it's back part of the show whatever

he may be busy or whatever but at least on the uncrowded front part we could have him you know

ad lib and have some fun with us because you two fucking cracked me up you guys always were a great

team man i would love to hear it we didn't do a lot of pranks together but i mean he's a funny

you guys were always funny i mean i always like you know i mean i know there's not a whole lot

out of that i mean i do remember the days it's so funny here you know i would love to have it okay

i got your buddy hey look uh we're gonna do a mall prank call here and then i'm gonna start

getting into numbers from dwight mcclanahan who did a good show last night i was i was on that

for a while too last night we had a good time with that really stuck up masturbating your horse

no this hipster guy we called from comcast because he sent out a tweet saying fuck you comcast

so dwight calls back and morgan gets in and then i get in and he's and he got real upset he he

posted it on his tweet on his twitter and he's gonna blog about it he said he put it on soundcloud

out he recorded us pranking him and somebody basically called in representing comcast like

anti against opposing but i told him because he was he said he was going to get a lawyer

and i came back and i said well since you're starting litigation against this you're against

the terms of service and i said dwight go ahead and uh turn off his modem deprovision his modem

He's like, no, no, I didn't say that.

Dwight's like, OK, it's like, OK, yes, sir.

It's turned off.

He's like, no.

Oh, shit.

He tripped.

Yeah.

I could play the audio of it, but that's Dwight's call.

If when Dwight joins us later here, the second part of the show, maybe he'll want to.

Come on, man.

Just squeeze it in for me.

Let me hear just the audio.

Come on.

Give a fuck, Dwight.

No, no, because it's Dwight.

Come on, he'll give me a break.

Dwight's giving me a break to hear.

Come on, I'm not going to be around the back part of it.

All right, I'll play.

He's going to get mad.

Please.

Please, please, Daddy, please.

All right.

I asked Dwight.

He says, go ahead.

Well, I didn't ask him, but he said, go ahead.

All right.

I know Dwight got my back, so I'll take the beating.

Dwight's pissed, and he'll be mad at me.

I know he ain't going to let me not hear his call.

He's all right with me.

Yeah, this is the last of three parts.

This will be on YouTube pretty soon, if it's not already.

I don't think it's already.

I'm sorry to ask, but I know everybody's going to appreciate it because we've got a lot of people in the room.

Yeah.

What the hell?

So you got the gist of what's happening, right?

Okay.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Here we go.

Fuck yeah.

Hello?

Hi, Dwayne.

We got disconnected, sir.

I believe Kendra was talking to you and then some loud, I don't know, music.

So here's the deal.

You had some weird football thing or something on your end go off, and then the line went dead.

Well, what happens is that over here in the call center, it's all set up in case we have to do a TV troubleshooting.

we have DVRs, we have TVs

and stuff set up here, but they're

supposed to stay on mute, but

somebody hit on mute.

Okay, so here's the deal.

You have told me that the guy

in charge, sorry, the guy

that came to my house had the history

of this. You have told me that he

has falsified records.

Yeah, there was at least two other complaints.

One man, one woman.

Break, break, break. Milkman, can you hear it

okay? You're good? Yeah, man, it's great.

Thank you so much, man. I'm just

Yep, just making sure.

All right, going back.

Thanks.

And keep in mind, I have a camera over my door as well as a no trespassing sign.

Okay.

It worked.

Okay.

Well, I do have to say he wasn't trespassing.

He was there to complete work that you have ordered.

No, but here's the deal.

You've made statements that are categorically untrue, and I'm only assuming either A, you're

making crap up to defend the company, or B, this guy's trying to cover his ass.

Oh, no, no, I would not defend the company like that, sir.

I go to church.

I'm a God-fearing man, and if someone tried that, I would not defend them.

That is untrue.

Okay.

This guy's voice is going to resonate with the prank master, by the way.

Yep.

You think so?

Prank master?

A little bit.

Listen to it.

You've got to understand that this guy is going to go home, do anything he should do,

and then find a cover in his trap by making false reports.

Well, that was Kendra, and I don't know about her personal life.

Hang on, we lost Milkman.

Let me call him back.

Just noticed he dropped out.

He's freaking out.

Oh, give me a call, buddy.

Okay, sorry, dude.

I dropped a bump.

I was trying to mute it.

That was my fault.

Yep, no problem.

All right, continuing.

Is the case if she was not lying to me just now?

Yeah, 95% of Comcast employees meet their spouse at work.

Yeah, she's probably not the best person to send out.

No, she's not.

And second of all, this guy, if he has this history, if he's been written up multiple times,

I just have to explain.

Yeah, he's been written up twice.

So with that in mind, I do not feel comfortable having him even in my area, much less at my house.

I would like to request that he be reprimanded or even fired.

Okay, I can definitely do that after we address the other issues.

I'll transfer you to Mr. B.

I'm going to reiterate my request that I be given copies of what he reported

because I am very angry, and I would like to know what somebody is doing

when they make false statements about me, my wife, my family, and my home.

Sure.

This is a nightmare.

Interrupting.

Break, break, break.

This is a nightmare of my customer service career

when I had to work in call centers and take care of this.

Just the entitlement, the I need this, and I'm the customer.

And the truth is the customer is not always right.

God damn the person.

And there is a running theory now among business scholars and business administration schools that the saying, the customer is always right, has been one of the worst things that the business community has ever done to itself because it just gives us entitlement like, oh, I need this.

Anyway, we'll continue.

God, he's such a douche.

This gets really funny.

because I'm going to tell him that I'm a CCNA certified.

And he's like, so what?

He had already said that he has turned down jobs from Google

and that he works for Reddit here and there and all this stuff.

Mr. Qualifications.

Mr. Qualifications, yeah.

Well, here we go.

Well-documented and well-proven thing that Compaq employees have in the past

Shut up.

made false statements about people.

I had to say shut up, right?

You heard me.

See, I'm frustrated again that I even did it there.

shut up

so that people's names have changed to

expletives and so forth

and it's been proven

that Comcast people

of many different types have made

false statements and attempted to

cover up the things that they've done

in order to not lose their jobs

that's a minuscule amount that happens like once

out of like a hundred thousand

no no no you're not listening to me

it's happened before which means it doesn't matter

how small you feel it's happened

it still happened and that's just a possibility

I can't answer all the questions

but if you give me a second

I'm going to give my supervisor

he's got the answers

and he could probably help you out a little bit better than I can

I'm going to transfer you over to Richard Cross

and he's going to be able to help you out with that

give me a second

this is Cross and I have been privy

to this conversation via our

conference system on our Siemens

software. I understand

you're saying that you're some kind of

IT professional. Do you have some

kind of certification?

Well, I have a

CCNA certification, sir.

So, what is that?

I don't give a crap what your

CCNA is. Well, I'm CCNA certified.

I'm Cisco Network

Associate Certified, sir. Okay, yes.

First of all. That doesn't really matter.

Okay, well, you're...

It's a certification for networking. It has nothing to do with...

Okay, shut up. Shut up, please.

Please shut up.

The first thing is to let you know, now that you've declared litigation against us,

No, I haven't.

You have. You are now in violation of our terms of service.

You're in violation of our terms of service.

So, Mr. Dwight, if you can go ahead and please go ahead and deprovision their modem.

Dwight?

Dwight.

I have no idea what's going on here.

Sir, my name is Dwight.

I'm the first person that called you from the social media department.

Go ahead and deactivate.

You want me to put the deactivation code?

Yeah, deprovision is modem, please.

Termination of service, okay.

Wait, let me get this straight.

You guys call me for reporting to the FCC,

and you're going to disconnect my modem?

Sir, you've broken your terms of service,

your agreement that you signed up for.

Modem's being restarted.

You can't, you're not, you're not allowed to file litigation against us.

You have to go through for litigation.

You have to go through third.

You have to go through third party arbitration first, sir.

You broke the rules.

I never did anything.

I haven't, hey, I don't have any pending lawsuit against you.

I have not contacted a lawyer.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You just said that you were suing, that you were going to get a lawyer,

that you were going to blow us out of the water?

What else did he say?

Yes, you said a lot of things.

I had no problem doing so.

I've been briefed.

He's panicking thinking,

Oh, it's the weekend.

Oh, no, no Facebook.

No YouTube.

He's got that high school voice, dude.

He's like all scared now.

It's funny.

I'm still communicating with you, which is why I picked up the phone when you called.

You just need to relax.

I don't know what you're saying or what's going on here,

but I do know that you are acting in a very unprofessional manner.

You told me to shut up?

You told your customer to shut up?

I said, please.

You said you have a PCNL, and therefore that somehow makes you a god?

No, it doesn't.

It's a freaking network trading, never clouding, and switching certification.

It means nothing here.

i am a cisco certified networking associate not the network okay well so your threats to disable

my service just because i made a complaint to the fcc oh my god he's gonna cry listen to the

emotion the emotion because his internet is getting shut off he is fucking dying dude he's

like i'm surprised you don't have a stroke dude i hope we don't have to call an ambulance

Yeah, I mean, this is a Grammy, this is an Emmy of performance here.

Really?

Yes, sir.

If you file a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission, you are in violation of your terms of service and your user agreement with us.

You did not go through.

That is not.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're saying that by following the law and by doing what the SEC requests I do, I am giving my account to you.

on his account termination fee good termination fee i put it down all right go ahead and put yeah

that's fine that's fine go ahead and put a aggressive customer difficult customer fee

you guys do know this will not stop me from posting this recorded online right

now he almost sounds well sir i mean it's not a two-party shit now yeah yeah yeah oh yeah he's

pouting hey so you can do whatever you want with that i'm just letting you know you don't have my

permission to do that so you take with that what you will you know what on his soundcloud post he

posted this he's like he later posted on twitter hey at comcast cares did you just call me and he

posted his recording that he he said he was editing it to get the names out but he cut it

off right after i right before i say that i don't give him permission to record it

yeah he he already took it down off of soundcloud but it was up in his version of it

uh cut right before i say but that part where i say but i don't give you permission

if you downloaded it i hope you downloaded his version before it disappeared no i didn't

shit someone probably oh shit somebody probably did let's hope they did approach the chat room

somebody get the carlito please well let's say we'll go back well sir i mean it's not a two-part

party state so you can do whatever you want with he cuts it off right here and here's the rest

i'm just wanting you know you don't have my permission to do that so he excluded that

statement from it little fucking dick you take with that what you will you know what you guys

have no right to do that you have no right to disable my account you have no right to do

anything you guys i made the fcc that my speed was slow and about what happened with my wife

who was harassed by one of your people.

By the way, it doesn't fall into anything on your stupid customer service thing,

terms of service or whatever.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, that's nice, honey.

That's nice.

You have no right to do this.

You have no right.

You have confirmed.

No right.

This is a right.

He's indignant, man.

He's so pissed.

It's a right to have his internet.

It is a right, not a privilege.

But the guy had a history of abusing people and trying to cover up the fact with false statements in your system.

Your guy is on record as stating that he has stated things that are outside the normal bounds of his person.

Sir, that man is my best technician.

He is my best technician.

I don't think so.

You don't talk about the tech that came out to your home that your wife sexually harassed?

That's my best technician.

my wife never essentially asked anybody and i think that you are now making statements to try

to cover your butt because maybe you are the guy yeah yeah he's making that statement serious she

told me that when i called to confirm the uh the arrival she told me she was putting her phone down

her pants so they could hear how wet her pussy is she said that's bullshit that is exactly what

Excuse me, sir, that is a pile of fucking bullshit.

I am really upset to hear that.

That is what you said.

That's in the statement here.

That's in the written sworn statement.

That is a false statement, and I'm quite angry about that.

Why did you do it?

What other things have they said to call me a whore?

You know what?

Okay, so this Palmdale area number.

It said that you asked him if you wanted some hot coffee.

You let him inside the home.

You stretched out on your pool table.

You slid down your pants and your panties.

You parted the hairs of your vagina.

You parted the hairs of the vagina.

You inserted...

Huh?

Oh, man.

That was legit.

Yep.

That was it, Milkman.

That was a good one.

man uh thanks dude i would have missed that one that was good did you work them over fucking work

yeah good call blight and the gang yeah but the uh full version of that you can get that from

dwight over on his youtube channel i don't know if it's posted yet but it will be soon if not

he's on youtube all right thanks dwight and carly that was a good call man very funny

be sure to be sure you're subscribed to dwight the janitor i think is his youtube channel

Dwight Mophead

McClann a fucking hand

that was a good call man

yeah man

it's good man

yeah bye

I'm trying to see

if he's got a

I don't know if he's

Dwight the janitor

but if you do

Dwight the janitor

you'll find him on YouTube

you'll see him

you'll see his logo

and his mops

he's got the mops

all that good stuff

he could

he could do up his

home page

and add some playlists

on there

so people can find

the shit right there

just a suggestion

alright let's go

and move on with some prank calls

of our own. Speaking of Dwight,

speaking of Dwight's ass,

we got numbers

to get to that he has sent in.

Man, I'm excited about that.

Have you heard anything from Mr. Jim Stewart?

No!

No, I haven't heard from him all week.

I'm presuming he had a busy week.

He said he was super excited

he wants to come back and start doing shows

here and there.

Well, hell, give him like a

kind of like slot whenever it's available whenever you want yeah he's got an open jen has an open

door i'm i'm sure with us definitely what i mean and we love dude dirt man he's always been a man

yeah and i've told lego and zolar the same thing um zolar thank you yeah maybe zolar will start

doing shows again because he um he's not working with uh battle cam anymore he's not working with

that alky david who actually alky david the guy who runs battle cam and film on he had a uh this

week i guess he had a big uh win in the courts milkman um for the rights the ability to stream

uh television online um he had actually won he i believe it was cbs went after him uh cbs slash

Josh Viacom went after him, and he won, which it's kind of a precedent-sending, which is cool,

but it's kind of sad because I was really hopeful for this company called Aereo.

Aereo was running out of New York, and they had plans to go national.

Basically, they would rent out a building in the central area,

and they had little dime-sized television antennas in a big array.

If you can imagine a big, huge server room on one floor

with just tons and tons of these little television antennas the size of a dime.

And the customer rents out time on the antenna.

That's what they're selling.

But they get access to the local television stations.

so it was a way for you to watch your local tv and the local stations online uh streaming it

streaming it yeah instead of over the air yeah but ariel lost in their cut in their battle um

they lost him unfortunately um i was really let down that one because that was an awesome

fucking idea but being that being that alky david here now has this win him and film on

and battle cam i guess have a win um that might introduce uh ario coming back into the

fucking into the market now that there was all that might reopen the door it might give them

an end i think yeah because of if uh because basically a higher judge has said yes it's legal

so there you go right all right yeah yeah i'm excited about that then i can ditch this

It's cross-lateral action, man.

It's Apple's the company that's going to do it.

Where everyone's just, you know, it's proven that they've had the talks with all the major networks,

the big providers, Disney, ABC, NBCUniversal, and CBS Viacom, and Fox.

Those are the four big guys, right?

And then, because that goes down even into all the cable channels.

And I was like, AMC is owned by one of them.

I'm sure E is owned by CBS Viacom.

MTV is owned by the CBS Viacom.

So it's known that Apple has made deals with all of them except for NBC Universal.

And basically it's just a waiting for either some type of Apple television

or just an upgrade to the Apple TV little box that basically turns it into a cable box for you,

like your own little DVR, and you pay for cable service through Apple.

That's what everyone's waiting for, and everyone's on board except for NBCUniversal.

And basically what will happen is if that takes off,

NBCUniversal will probably just end up coming back and negotiating.

They'll probably try to go on an Amazon device for a while, and it'll fail.

And at some point, the cable companies are just going to be,

B, they will provide television that you can have that as an option if you want to watch the shows.

But primarily, you're concerned with the fact that they're an internet provider for you.

The cable industry is going to go to that.

It's not going to be cable television industry.

It's going to be the cable industry, I guess you would call it.

At some points, maybe they'll throw it in for free.

um i know a lot of times sports channels and stuff will probably stay uh to one of the big

carriers the cable or the dish ones um because like comcast has their agreements with nba teams

and with baseball teams and stuff so i don't know who knows but it's definitely it's about to get

upended i think apple's the company that's going to do it it's really just a waiting game and every

time every year there's an apple announcement you know and everyone says will the apple tv

get upgraded here will it be here will it be here never have it's gonna it's gotta come all i mean

the negotiations are it's confirmed they're done it's just one holdout um but i imagine apple is

just gonna proceed and be like fuck you mbc all right well you know eventually they'll join on

or people just aren't going to be watching mbc as much because that shit's gonna take off dude

if i can literally go to apple and just pay 399 per channel that i want you know how awesome that

will be you know and what's going to do you're going to bypass the cable companies and this is

where this is going to work out because already cable companies are scared because all this

bullshit why they charge so much it's free at the end dude and fucking people aren't even watching

the fba anymore because it's so overpriced now all the companies have gone to this slim package

of here for slim packages like 20 and shit because people won't buy cable anymore for

or under a fucking month or more.

They said, fuck it.

So now, because you can go and stream

and watch everything you want streaming online,

they're like cutting them back.

So now the cables are starting a new model.

They have to fucking give up this ESPN,

everybody's subsidizing that bullshit,

or they're going to go under.

HBO knows the handwriting is on the wall.

They've basically become a direct competitor to Netflix

that happens to be on cable TV.

Right now, you can go to HBO

and you don't have to get it on

television, you can get it

directly through HBO

HBO Now, I believe it's called

I have HBO Go because I pay

for my HBO access and

subscription to the cable company

which gives me free access

to HBO Go, which is the exact

thing as HBO Now

you can pay like

I think it's like, is it 20 bucks

directly to HBO right now

and you have access

to HBO Online and all your apps

and your shit, fucking smart TVs.

Well, that's the other thing, too.

They realize everybody's on streaming

because bandwidth is so affordable now.

I mean, you can get almost enough bandwidth

on your phone to watch some videos.

You remember how it used to be, what, three years ago?

Fuck, YouTube would be like,

bopper, bopper, bopper, horrible.

Now you can watch it almost in 1080.

Yeah, things are getting better.

Hey, we got to do prank calls.

I've been talking some bullshit for a long time.

That's all right, dude.

This is the way we always have done our shows,

And I love it because now we have our little tech segment, which we haven't had in about three years, moving right along.

So that's the future of television industry and video entertainment in my eyes.

That's right.

I think we're going to be up in times right here in the madhouse with the local technology craze.

Yeah, it's going to be a change just like when the iPod came out, when it was like, fuck, you know, buying CDs and stuff.

Just put the shit on the iPod.

How about the fact that they're redesigning the iPod and trying to resell this fucker with Wi-Fi and bullshit?

Have you heard that?

Well, the iPod Touch has been out for a while.

No, no, no, no.

They're redoing the original iPod.

Oh, the original iPod they are?

Are they really?

Yeah, they're trying to make a Wi-Fi and shit.

Yeah, because, well, I hear all this shit all the time on the tech news here because, you know, I'm so close to Silicon Valley.

But, yeah, they talk about all this shit all the time.

Yeah, they're going to redo the iPod.

Everybody's laughing.

I'm like, how many fucking people have an iPod when everybody now has multimedia services on their phone, their iPod and everything else?

You don't need an iPod.

You know, they're like, why are they spending this kind of money to redevelop it?

I think it was like more than $5 million or some bullshit.

Well, I think that the thing is that the iPod was a favorite of Steve Jobs.

It's a legacy, isn't it?

I think it's a legacy thing, right?

Yeah.

I mean, look, I mean, I'll show it on video right now.

That's the one that broke the ice.

The one that broke the ice and got everybody in the eye a whole bullshit, remember?

You know, it was like, what the fuck's a podcast?

What the fuck's iPod?

You remember just like only a few years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

But look, I'll show it.

Look, I have right now, I still have right here an old school iPod Classic.

This is still the best MP3, portable MP3 player that works offline.

I don't have to be synced up.

I don't have to have a Wi-Fi connection.

all i have to do is plug headphones into this or plug it into my audio and i've got the majority

of my music collection on here or at least a music collection that i care to have offline

and i sync this up and i usually leave it in my if uh it's usually in my car um if i'm because

if i drive anywhere outside of the city that i live in here in any direction on t-mobile i drop

Drop down to 3G or worse.

Edge.

Until I get to like all the AT&T and Verizon and Sprint motherfuckers here.

They get great coverage no matter where they drive out to.

If I try to take a trip to Philly, in between where I live in Philly, it's like nothing.

It's dead.

And it pisses me off.

But that's just T-Mobile out here where I live.

Keep in mind I got T-Mobile because I used to live in Florida.

team mobile's coverage in central florida especially was fucking baller back in the day

because i had like yeah oh man i i loved it because it was in your region it was yeah you're

in the now region that they're not so good you're in a sparse well yeah come up where you're at

dude that's kind of mountainy and almost kind of like country like yeah yeah it's bullshit yeah

over there what are you like how are you gonna throw a rock in here in amish not exactly where

i live but we're getting close but let's not talk about personal uh hippa information milk

man okay because i'll um i'll set up litigation against you right now well you know i'm amish i

mean you know i have family that's amish i mean everybody knows that i just thought you know i

i didn't want anybody to know you know i i'm sorry i brought up my amish heritage so i'm sorry

yeah but anyway um the the ipod had a special even when the iphone came out and even the bigger

iPhones and the iPod

Touch, which basically was

the early iPhones

without the cell antenna

inside of it, so it had every functionality.

That was the iPhone, right, exactly, without

no GSM or no radio.

Yeah, it was called the iPod Touch. You could still get it.

Right.

But you could still get what I have

here in my hand, the iPod Classic, and I

bought this in 2010

because to this day, it's still

the best for that kind of purpose.

Remember I bought one of those

And, man, I had my drive.

Remember, I had that just before that one in the island.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, man.

I've had nothing but bad luck.

My first one I ruined by living in my car too much over in the July heat, July and August and September heat in Orlando.

It kind of basically fried it.

But it blasted me a good five years.

And then I got this one.

But look.

Did the green go all black?

No, just that the drive ended up, like, you could hear the drive.

like the drive was crashing the platters you can hear i gotta take my shit in dude that one that i

got remember a couple years ago when i was driving taxi man i bought it dude now it won't light up i

don't know if it's because i plug it in but anyway it sat in the closet for a long time right yeah

yeah but even listen getting back to that even during the time even back then steve jobs still

wanted to the ipod classic guy he still used an ipod classic uh because it was the most simple

version. It just gets it done.

It just plays music, no fucking bullshit.

You can get some games on it, but

you don't fuck the games on an iPod.

And it had the click wheel. It was awesome.

Yeah, I remember that.

I love it for the ability

that I can start, stop, and pause

music in my pocket without

looking at the phone, because it has

actual hard buttons.

It has the click wheel.

Yeah, no glass shit.

You can't do that on an iPod.

You know I'm a button freak. I always was.

That's why I took that fucking BlackBerry for so long.

Yeah, you can't do that on another phone unless you have, like, headphones.

Like, I have a pair of earbuds that I can click.

Right, you have to have something that's a button, and then you have to attach it through the headset button porting.

Yeah, so that was a big reason why I got it.

All right, listen, come on, let's shut up.

Come on, man, shut up, motherfucker.

All right?

Shut the fuck up.

All right.

All right, moving right along.

wow someone has some disney banks and a five dollars a piece cookie monster pluto big bird

fuck you is what you got let's call them right yeah all right hey everybody 98.6 the mouth i

love you guys yeah what's up to everybody over at 98.6 98.6 no we're waiting for this call to

Connect. Thank you.

The party you are calling has declined to receive

this call.

Well, fuck them, right? Alright, fine.

How rude. How rude of them

to decline my important call.

My important

non-harassing call.

Of course.

Listen, I don't know if I

mentioned, but everyone, be sure

Make sure to check out prankcallnation.com.

That's the main prank call website for our network here.

I'm sorry.

I'm just kind of multitasking right now, getting my medication.

What's our YouTube subscription page, brother, for our Madhouse?

We have two.

Madhouse has two YouTube pages.

Really, dude?

What are they, man?

I cannot remember.

Could you refresh my memory for the life of me?

Yeah, and there's going to be some updates to both of them coming pretty soon.

I was talking to the guy.

I know you were talking about that, dude.

Tell us more.

Fucking, yeah.

Madhouse Radio.

It's Madhouse Radio on YouTube.

It's the main channel, and then we have Madhouse Classics.

Madhouse Classic, which handles the classic pranks.

They're all just prank calls.

That's the second channel.

It's handled by one of our listeners.

I don't know if I'm supposed to give out his name, but he's a nice guy.

Pranks is our primary stream on YouTube, Dad.

Madhouse Radio.

MadhouseRadio.

Are you not listening?

MadhouseRadio.

YouTube.com slash MadhouseRadio.

And there's a Madhouse Classic out there.

YouTube.com slash MadhouseRadio, man.

Okay, cool.

That's what I wanted to know.

Yeah, but if you want to get to it, just go to MadhouseLive.com.

It's right on the front.

You can't miss it.

Okay?

MadhouseLive.com.

Do you still have a website up?

Do you have one of them crazy websites?

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

I was going to say, why would you have one of those when you've got a telephone, right?

Right.

Listen, we're calling Chester, who's at the Intercontinental Buckhead Restaurant.

Chester the Molester.

Every neighborhood had a Chester the Molester, right?

That's right. His cousin was Uncle Chester.

With an eyeball head.

Hello?

Hi, effeminate man.

I'm looking to speak to a guest who's staying there, please.

Okay, the last name?

Thrash.

Thrash?

Thrash. T-H-R-A-S-H.

First name?

Chester.

I have anyone by that name here.

Fucking shit.

Can you put me through to 217?

17?

We don't have room 217.

I think it's 127.

I'm sorry.

Not that one either.

How do the rooms go?

Was it 137?

Hold on one second.

All right.

Thank you, honey.

They start on the third level and go to the 22nd floor.

Oh, thank you, baby.

So 327, it must be, then.

Yeah.

Nobody's in that room.

Oh, man.

Can you put me through to La Forge?

La Forge.

Geordie.

L-E-S?

You do?

No.

No, Geordie LaForge?

Do you maybe have a contact number for them?

Maybe you can call them and ask them for their room number?

It's not working.

Try Crusher.

First name Beverly.

Why don't you try John Picard?

Yeah, last name Picard.

P-I-C-A-R-D.

He didn't like Picard, I guess.

He knows Picard.

Picard is an easy one to learn.

Okay.

We got someone with a rental to share.

Rental to share?

in Honolulu.

Honolulu?

Honolulu.

It was great hearing Tuck, dude.

Sean Ward was

having fun. We all had so much

fun. Yeah, it was so much fun.

Everyone, be sure to subscribe

to the Sean Ward, Sean Ward Show.

He's trying to hurry up and get 100,000

subscribers. He was almost there.

I haven't checked as of late.

Everybody sign up and join

Mr. Sean Ward. That's right, because we're going to

push him over 100,000 right here

You should release those old pranks.

You should put some on YouTube.

That'd be really cool if you put them on like some old classical ones.

I don't know.

What do you know?

All right.

We got a room for $425.

It's eight and a half by eight and a half.

Damn, that's like a cell.

Damn.

Utility is not included for this jail cell.

Female preferred.

Call by phone.

No email deposit.

Doesn't even have a shitter.

No smoking.

No pets.

It's no parking.

It's available.

$50.

How about a shitter?

You got to pay for parking $50 for the first car.

$75 for the second.

What?

Do what now?

Is it a communal bathroom?

I don't know.

I guess.

Let's call and find out.

How about we do that?

Holy shit.

We should find out.

Silly.

Beg pardon.

I love it when people say that.

Beg pardon.

That's the southern there.

Yeah.

Beg pardon.

Pardon anywhere else.

uh i'll call again i have a busy tone waiting for the machine to reset itself let's try again

let's try again hey we got a ring ring normal spaces machines yes it's going the spaces are

oh man i would totally hack sir if i was mr brad carter um coming up next a man who's

complaining about his service with century link our service with century link is so awful it's

actually gotten funny with our litany of daily problems see i like to hold these until we got

some people to help out because i like to be able to transfer it's fun because they always ask you

i get a manager on dude i think this this beat here this song's dope this is won't do by jd also

known as j dilla rest in peace no longer with us dope song uh last yet steak freaks steak freaks

okay fried steaks in french that appears to be assistant kitchen i guess they're hiring let's see

yes they're seeking an experienced assistant kitchen manager 10-4 let's do it

good evening that's it may i help you how you doing

you're looking for a experienced assistant kitchen manager i'm sorry you're looking for an

an experienced assistant

kitchen manager? Yes.

Yeah, I got a lot of experience

in fine dining. Yeah, but

please, I said specifically, do not

call. Please send an email. You said to

hear a call, motherfucker. On the fucking

shit. It's a

fucking call. That's me trying to be

Ned from the Police Academy movies.

I want to do

a character just like Ned. I love fucking

Ned. I love

Bobcat Goldwaite.

I don't even know how you pronounce his last name

Goldthweath

yeah come on man

where can I come and bring you

a fucking application

yeah uh no

I'm not interested

oh shit

fucking Ned I'm gonna

start doing that and that character's name is gonna be

Ned

shout out to Bobcat

Goldthweath

he doesn't really talk

talk like that because i saw him on um a big recommendation here something if you want to see

i don't think it's on netflix you're gonna have to bit torn it but look for windy city heat it was

on cbs and it was created by adam carolla and uh for uh whoever else basically the man show crew

um supposedly this guy that hung out with them he was like their doofus friend he really wanted to

to get into the business and they let him on for two years that he was going to be starring in a

in a movie called windy city heat that they had gotten him the role and then so this documentary

it just followed and they just keep pulling pranks and pranks on him um but if you know

at first oh it's really really fucking funny this fucking guy and there's even been a podcast

podcast afterwards the the guy he's he is really like this they have the three of them still have

a podcast and he's still like he knows that it was a big prank and he's like whatever now you know

um but dude windy city heat that's a really fucking good good bit to watch but what was

i getting at how did i get to windy city oh shit how did i get here what was i talking about where

Where was I?

Man Show, Windy City.

Oh, Bobcat Goldthwait.

Okay.

Hey, listen.

Can you call somebody?

We got a Cuckoo Crazy Caller on here.

A Cuckoo Crazy Caller on there?

Yeah, like I'm going to shower or something.

I don't know.

You know, one might turn up.

Anyway, look.

Bobcat Goldthwait was in Windy City Heat,

and he plays the producer or the director of the movie,

and he walks around with a bullhorn,

and he talks into the bullhorn all the time he never into the guy he always talks to the guy

that they're pranking with the bullhorn he always does like he's just like they'll be having a like

a meeting and he's talking yeah yeah they'll be having like a meeting like a little like a status

meeting on the movie and he's he's talking to the guy via the megaphone and then they give him a

dude it's so funny and they give him an assistant the assistant keeps trying to feed him like all

the time he keeps bringing him food and he's finally like two megaphones at the same time

no just one just one but but this the assistant's funny because it's like this effeminate dude i

don't know and he's like stop bringing me food and it's like i thought you were hungry you got

gotta eat you gotta eat oh my god like he's interrupting scenes bringing him food and stuff

do you got it's it's it's not to be missed windy city heat um it was formerly on comedy central

that's where it debuted back this is about 10 years ago or more but you can find it uh i found

it once on bits for it i might download it now because i want to watch that motherfucker

um and there is a podcast also let me see what that podcast is man i'm talking a lot but i

I don't give a shit.

Windy City Heat Podcast.

The Big Three is the name.

Go to thebig3podcast.com.

The three is the number three.

You okay, Milkman?

I think I'm having an attack here.

Uh-huh.

Somebody we could call that's really like the wall,

because there's somebody on the line with us here

that would be really funny if they would talk to us.

All right, you got someone who's really funny if we talk to them.

Okay.

Yeah, because I got somebody on here that could just like really be...

Shut up.

And just let it start going.

Shut up.

You can get him on.

Hey, get out of here.

I need your help.

No one's picking up.

Have you reached Alex?

Leave a message and I'll get back to you shortly.

Try Tom.

Oh, not that.

No.

I need some background information.

He has two cemetery plots for sale.

Oh, Jesus.

At the Forest Lawn.

Where?

The Forest Lawn.

You have reached the voicemail box of six.

This is in L.A.

Hold back out right now.

Forest Lawn.

Forest Lawn?

Forest Lawn is one of the really famous ones.

It has a lot of celebrities in it.

What city?

It says Glendale.

Oh, California.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not...

I think there's some really big celebrities that are buried there.

Okay.

It's the one you hear about a lot.

Forest Lawn Memorial, Forest Lawn.

I think.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

It's prime real estate to get buried in forever.

No problem.

Yeah.

You have reached the void.

I don't give a shit.

I don't want to be fucking burned.

I don't want to be fucking turned into ashes.

just dump me in the toilet because why do i care right now i'm gonna be dead i don't give a fuck

if the god thing is real kick ass if not i'm not even gonna know i mean once you leave it dude you

become meat right you become meat once you leave the body you're meat well i don't want to be me

bro i don't want to be me turn me into car i mean what will you know turn me into car

Hi, Lily. I'm Carlito.

Our mutual friend didn't want to introduce me, but I'm his friend.

I'm Carlito. Hi.

I'm so sorry, Carlito. Lily is here.

I'm trying to get some people to answer.

Here's a Japanese chef.

Japanese chef.

This is a job.

Three sushi chefs.

I can't eat sushi.

Three sushi chefs wanted.

Oh, wow. Use your finger instead of chopsticks?

Yeah, it's in Chino.

What's up in Chino?

Northern California.

Hi, this is Toad.

I'm sorry I missed you.

Hi, Toad.

Toad.

Let's call Toad back.

Toad.

It's a great arena.

Toad.

Same number.

Trying to see if they pick up.

Giving it another shot.

Yes, hi.

You looking for three sushi, chef?

Yes.

Okay, I have a sushi chef on the line.

Does it matter?

Go ahead, ma'am.

Lily.

Hello, ma'am.

Lily?

Hello?

Huh?

Could you send the resume?

I see people talking in my ears, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

What was that?

I'm sorry.

I'm calling about the sushi chef.

I'm a sushi chef.

Yes.

Can you send us the resume?

Yes.

Okay.

I have to ask you a question.

Sometimes when I'm cooking sushi, people want the sushi cooked.

No.

What do I do?

No?

No.

I mean, I learned this all by myself from the Pinterest boards,

and I want to get a job as a sushi chef.

Sushi chef.

Yes.

I need a job.

We want the authentic Japanese rolled sushi.

Japanese rolled sushi?

sushi? Raw, raw, raw fish. Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw, raw. Fish, sushi, raw fish. Hello? Yes. You there?

Yes, yes, yes. I looked for the sushi raw recipes on the internet and I cooked it. Well, I didn't

cook it, but I learned how to roll the sushi with the rice and the seaweed and the, um, I'm drinking

What are those, edamame, something with tuna, and I can't eat it.

I can't eat raw fish, but I can make it.

Can I try?

I'll work for free, and if I do good, then you can pay me?

Yes, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

I really need your help.

I think we should all help each other.

What?

Where are you located?

Keno, California.

Oh, did you have an earthquake?

Where are you from?

Where are you?

I'm in California.

There's earthquakes in San Bernardino.

One happened yesterday.

It was a 4.2.

Then there was one happening at the Hayward Fault, not the San Andreas Fault.

But I don't know what to do.

No, I didn't care.

Are you from the United States of America?

Were you born in the United States of America?

No.

Oh.

There's earthquakes in Tokyo.

There's earthquakes in Alaska.

There's earthquakes everywhere.

where there's all earth, because having earthquakes and shaking, and I want to...

I don't care about the earthquakes, okay?

I do.

I'm just looking for a pushy share.

How much does it pay?

Well, it depends on what they can do.

Okay, you pay under the table.

But I want an authentic, authentic...

The government, the government, you have to pay taxes?

I don't want someone who just gets recipes from the Internet.

I want an authentic...

But I'm a very clean person.

But I don't think we can hire you.

Why can't you accept me?

Is it because I am not what you sound like, your accent?

What is it from?

Where are you from?

Tokyo?

Japanese?

It doesn't matter.

Okay, goodbye.

I know.

It doesn't matter.

You're right.

Would you like Caitlyn Jenner, somebody from the center, to be interested in the show?

She hung up.

But that's bullshit because the first thing she asked me was, are you Japanese?

That was the first thing she asked.

You know, there's just, like, no round eyes.

No round eyes here.

Fuck that.

That's not cool, man.

They're discriminatory.

They're discriminating.

Shouldn't happen like that.

Yo, yo.

Hey, Kevin.

Would you please go down the basement and get me some of my things there?

Yeah.

Appreciate it.

So you ever do crystal meth?

Down the basement this year.

You ever try angel dust or crystal meth?

Angel dust.

Or crystal meth.

You ever try that?

That's kind of...

Angel dust.

This morning, I know it's a joke.

Chook downstairs and get me that and get me, like, four or five.

Yeah, and then bring one up.

Put them in the freezer.

Frigerator.

I can't put that.

Yeah, sorry.

If you have that angel desk, it'll make you have some crazy dreams.

Good sleep, that's...

It won't make you have silly crazy dreams, though.

Yeah, I had a dream about Carlito.

What about the dream?

I heard that.

I forget.

You have to refresh my memory.

Tell them about the sexy part.

Made sexy with Carlito part.

What?

I remember that.

I know.

I said something to him about my dream.

Lily had a dream about Carlito.

You told me about making sexy with Carlito.

That's not a dream.

I wasn't.

You have to remind me what I said.

Wow.

I don't remember what I said.

That's hard.

Oh, I think you better do this one.

That's hard.

Carlito made sexy with Lily in her dream.

Oh, that was a dream.

That was so good.

Hey, hi.

Here's Anita.

I love Carlito.

I love you too, Milkman

I love Carlito

See, even Lily dreams about Carlito

I hate K, even though he hates my guts

KDK's a good guy

We love KDK

He's alright in the madhouse

He's alright with the milkman

He's in the message

He'll call you back

Oh, fine, nevermind

Uh, here's someone who's

Oh, Riz, don't call him

Uh, Comcast Complainer

Comcast Complainer

i'm waiting for after the break for those which i might take now because it's 10 o'clock what time

is it now let me think back to when that happened around six four yeah all right so i do have to i

have to take a mandatory break here this is called a hard break guys oh hard break okay

single working you need to live in housekeeper companion yeah listen if you lose me if you lose

Excuse me, man.

Pull me back in, man.

I'm going to be driving here, man, after this.

Yeah.

All right.

We're coming back with a bunch of people.

Are we coming back with a bunch?

Yeah, probably more people coming.

Yeah, you know, we're talking.

Okay, all right.

So just keep me on the line.

I'm going to be on the mute side.

Yeah.

I'll do this.

Yeah, man.

You got it, man.

All right, cool, man.

Okay, if you drop me, call me back in, okay?

I'm going to be working.

All right, motherfucker.

All right.

So, look, we're going to be right back.

I got more numbers from Dwight.

We got a lot of Comcast complainers.

Hopefully we get some more people here online who can help out with this venture that I'm looking to get into.

More of your requests and, I don't know, just more show.

We'll be back in about six minutes?

Radio will be back right after this.

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

But when you die, you open up track door at the bar, check the GPS, and you go straight down.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

You know, you got this fantasy in your head about getting out of the life and setting the corporate world on its ear.

You're going to do except hustle.

Okay, I am back.

I'm here.

I'm Carlito.

with me here should be milkman milkman

all right milkman we also have jen store jen store

facebook.com slash son of an owl correct and twitter i'm gonna start using twitter twitter.com

for a son of an owl you know what you gotta use is hootsuite you go to hootsuite and you manage

your Twitter and your Facebook

in one interface. It's

delicious. I am?

I highly recommend using it. Sweet.

I use it for Prank Call Nation's LinkedIn

account. Oh, yeah?

Can I link you to Mixit?

Uh, no. General

Awesome is here. General Awesome.

Smelling.

He's loading.

Oh, okay. Dwight McClanahan's

haircut.

Hey, you better watch out. Jen will slap you in the

The tooth.

Oh, yeah.

I slapped you in the motherfucking tooth, man.

Slapped you in the tooth.

Milkman, you're still a bub.

I think I heard Milkman going...

All right, well...

No, that was me.

Oh, okay.

Never mind.

Now I'm doing it.

I'm high as fuck, and I'm really sorry.

I took a lot of benzos this year.

Yeah!

Benzos!

hey listen we got a complainer a complaint um let me complain do i refer to your century link

one the second one in the list you sent me earlier i saved it for now okay uh i'm going

to give that a call you want to open that up for us sure all right dwight

all right dwight up in the light don't make a fright get out of sight

What did you do, man?

I used this hand sanitizer from Bath & Body Works.

Oh, my God.

Do you know about this gold shit?

Fuck you, Mike.

Thanks.

Do I know about what, Jim Stewart?

I'm trying to find out what it's called.

they're giving away free samples of this shit contains real gold right and it's very very

expensive girls love the shit and it's like it's like i don't know what it is but they were they're

selling it all over the streets of london it's like it's very well only rich areas of london

but it's really like uh i think one of these sachets is worth uh one pound fifty because

100 milliliters or something is uh 200 pounds oh my god have i got that right that's real heavy

Maybe my math is not great.

That should be the right price.

That's really dense.

That's a lot of fucking money for that small amount.

Is it from Dubai?

Because they put gold in everything there, too.

They put rose gold in there now.

Rose gold?

Hell yeah, man.

Ricky Rosé.

Fucking balls.

Listen, let's do more calls.

Let's try that mic again.

All right.

Yeah.

You can only be as crazy as fucking Dwayne from last night.

Jim, we got to talk.

Fuck, Jin's my personal fitness coach.

I was in a program with Jin.

I've had the best week that I can remember.

No, did you take my advice?

Hello, Mike?

Yeah.

Here's my manager, Mr. Dwight McClanahan.

How you doing, Mike?

This is Dwight.

I'm calling from CenturyLink.

CenturyLink, what's up?

You sent a tweet over here about some problems you've been having with service.

Yes.

You want to fill me in on that?

Maybe we can get it taken care of for you.

Well, how do I know this is even CenturyLink?

You guys are calling me out of the blue saying, yeah, I'm Dwight from Central League.

I'm this from Central League.

How do I know you're here?

Yeah, well, our social media department detected a tweet, and we pulled up your account

and grabbed your phone number here, and I was asked to give you a call.

Sure.

I've been tweeting for about four weeks.

It took you guys this long to realize that someone's been angry with your service?

I have no idea.

The social media department, like I said, sent me over this customer information

and said to make contact and determine what the issue was

and try to get it taken care of yeah well i don't know we've had seven techs come over to our house

and pour apart everything in the house every single time and nobody can figure anything out

and the last time they were at our house was friday and our internet and cables gone out

four times since so okay it's affecting internet and television everything and the phone too

whenever it goes down we try to use the phone to call you guys it's not ecstatic i can barely

hear you guys when i call for they've replaced all the wiring did they try replacing equipment

equipment also everything they've done everything at least two or three times okay now uh and you

say it's been going on for like six weeks i'm sorry you were cutting out since may okay um

oh geez and is any they haven't been able to figure it out they haven't sent the uh the tier

three people out uh to investigate or they've sent a litany of technicians they've sent a field

manager out they've sent another field manager out and nobody can figure it out not one person

All right.

The one guy that was here, Richard was his name on Friday.

He was here for about two hours.

And your techs are all nice.

They're all good, professional guys.

They're men and they're jerks.

And he actually started laughing at the end.

He was like, I've never seen this.

I cannot figure out the problem.

I have no idea what's causing this problem.

Yeah, he's been having a lot of that lately.

We actually had to let him go.

He's not a very good tech.

So you've let Richard go from Friday until today?

Yep.

What's Richard's last name?

Cross.

That's not him.

Beef.

No, I'm saying that's my supervisor, Richard Cross.

He wasn't a supervisor. He was a regular field clerk.

I'm aware of that. I said, my supervisor is Richard Cross, and he told me that they had to let Richard go today.

On his day off? He's off on Sundays and Mondays.

Did Jerry come out at any point to look at anything?

No.

Jerry never came out?

Where are you?

Because he's the infrastructure manager, and it sounds like it's an infrastructure problem to me anyway.

Are you here, local, Nevada?

Yeah.

Then why is the phone number calling from Tennessee?

Because that's my cell phone number.

Okay.

So, Friday you had someone out.

They couldn't take care of it.

Nobody touched any wiring in the house after everything was replaced, was it?

Nobody touched wiring getting who?

People who live in the house or the tech?

Yeah.

No, women.

Women or men that live in the house.

No, no one touched the wires.

Okay.

Because sometimes, you know, women, they get curious.

he is they start touching wires thinking they could do the man's jobs and stuff and you know

stuff gets crossed up and like 95 of the time it's always a woman bro yeah you don't have any

fucking bitches doing stuff like that in there do you yeah this obviously is not centrally calling

me because you would be talking this way if you were centrally i can talk this way because it's

my cell phone that's not being recorded okay i'm just trying to i mean it's you you've got to

notice it you ever seen a woman driving a car or they try to work a remote and stuff you know

know what i'm talking about it's not a big shocker of course i do of course i do but i'm just saying

because the technician he had some notes here and he said he didn't complete his work because there

was a woman always looking over his shoulder and causing problems always watching from way from my

house yeah it's funny because every time it's it's occurred it's only been me that's what the notes

say no no listen you're you're getting attitude i'm gonna three-way in my boss you can talk to

to him i don't have to put up with this hang on mr stewart's office he's talking shit he's

swearing at me it's pretty funny yeah hello hello this is mr stewart how are you yeah

what's the problem this is a pretty good up it's a pretty good prank phone call you guys are all

right actually sorry you just called me what you want to go to our website you want to go to our

website the fuck is going on he knows it's a prank you want to go to our website buddy okay

Okay. All right.

Sir, you want to go to our website?

I'm sorry, Jen. You want to go to our website?

He's not answering.

I need a pillowcase. Where the fuck can I find one?

Yeah, he was defensive

from the get-go.

He's like, how do I know you're a centric link?

Jen, why do you need a pillowcase?

Just need one. I have a lot of pillowcases.

Problem solved.

More calls?

Sorry.

Yeah.

We have another Twitter complainer named Gene Fremont, Florida,

says that Comcast Cares is the devil.

That's all we got to go with here.

It's a 407 area code.

Rep in the 407.

That's me right there.

it'd be quiet over there comcast cares it's the devil again that's all i go on i go on

it should be a central florida orlando type of thing going on here okay what did i miss

uh comcast complainer says comcast is the devil gene freemont from all this sounds um

what's my call it haitian is it connecting hello good evening uh is this uh oh geez i lost my

my notes here oh oh is this gene yes oh this is dwight from comcast how you doing dwight yeah

yeah what's up uh i'm calling from the social media department i understand uh you're having

some type of issues uh customer experience issues or maybe some uh uh issues with your

your products uh well actually i canceled my comcast a month ago because i moved uh somewhere

where the internet was included okay well i saw a tweet from you that said the uh comcast is the

devil and i thought maybe uh there was an issue i'm pretty sure i didn't tweet that oh yeah no

it was today that that tweet went out no definitely not um well i'm sitting here telling you right now

i'm looking at a tweet from you and it says the word of the devil okay well that definitely was

not a tweet for me so i don't know what you're talking about listen motherfucker you don't need

need to be wasting my time with phantom tweets yeah who is this this is dwight and i'm in the

social media department i don't need this shit okay so you can take your twitter and you can

take your tweet tweets and all that and you shove it right up your fucking ass that's fantastic

yeah fantastic huh you know how you know who you're fucking with i am that comcast money on

lock i bet so you want to admit to what you've done you want to do who is this is dwight with

with Comcast for the third goddamn time.

Yeah, no, this isn't nobody from fucking Comcast.

You don't raise your tone to me or use that language.

You understand me, son?

Hey, yo, you're out of control right now.

Who is this?

I've already told you,

and I'm not going to repeat myself another time.

This is bullshit.

Okay, great.

Fucking fantastic, Dwight from Comcast.

You watch your goddamn language.

I'm putting my supervisor on.

This is bullshit.

Mr. Stewart.

Yeah, hi, this is Mr. Stewart.

Yeah?

Yeah, how you doing?

Can I help you?

you no i don't know you called me so no no i just said the transfer call come to you what's the

problem there i don't have any problem so why are you calling me then yeah so what the fuck is this

because i'm i'm actually not calling you somebody just called me and and fucking transferred me to

you so you did fucking transferred you to me and now i've got to deal with the problem so what's

the problem there is no fucking problem so who transferred you what's the name of the person

i don't fucking know you and whoever it is hey listen motherfucker you don't swear to me okay

i swear to you okay i'm the fucking supervisor damn he just was really i don't know i am so

smashed guys i'm so sorry you're so cool ah fuck man it's like benzo's benzoprene

benzodols benzo he absolutely fucking sent that it's it's value it's it's like value but it's

10 times stronger than valium oh wow like yeah like quaaludes man fucking quaaludes i would be

off in lube if it was quaaludes i heard you can get them in mexico but that they're really like

i can get them and so i could get generic south african quaaludes but are they the real deal

because i heard that not even that i heard it's just valium i can get anything you want oh dude

Dude, get some lewds, yeah.

Here's another.

This is Sarah Cass, Sarah C. Ass, who says,

Now Comcast apparently thinks it can add $20 to my bill

and increase my rate for extra DVR without me noticing.

Calling tomorrow.

Yeah, but we're calling tonight.

We're calling now because we're proactive.

This is proactive here.

I love that thing you did before, the fucking phantom Twitter.

Oh, my God, that got me.

All right, you guys ready?

I don't know what's happening.

All right, I'll just go with it.

Jin will be the transfer to point here for the manager who's off his rocker.

They'll probably transfer away as soon as they listen to me for a second.

Yeah, Dwight, take it over because I'm multitasking or something.

I'm sorry, man.

Thanks, man.

Make the masturbation.

Oh, we have Ms. Morgan.

Hello, please state your name after the tone and Google Voice will try to reach.

Sarah.

Dwight with Comcast.

That one in G.I. Show.

There he goes.

Motherfucker.

He picked up.

Get high.

Leave a message.

Whore.

Bitch.

Bitch whore.

Bitch whore shit.

She's a whore.

Whore.

We're trying.

Milkman, is your mystery friend still on?

Oh, wait.

Milkman, is your mystery friend still there?

Does she know Jen Stewart?

Oh, wait.

She didn't.

Who?

Leave a message.

Whore.

Bitch.

I got to step out of the room for a minute.

All right, Dwight.

Dwight, really?

What?

Yeah, I'm taking a piss on the air.

You like that?

That's a fucking disgusting line.

Why?

Good evening to my bionic-less friend.

Dwight got blamed for pissing and it was me playing shit.

Oh.

Cash.

Got him.

Someone needs a cashier.

They spelt it cash-ire.

We need person.

Oh, my God.

Jen, read this.

Read this, Jen.

Hang on.

What's happening?

Read this ad.

You read this out, please.

Exactly how they say it.

I will read this ad.

Are you ready?

Yes, please.

Okay, cashier.

All right.

We need person as cashier and serving food.

This probably needs to be done in an accent, okay?

We need person as cashier and serving food to customers.

If you have experience with POS system and like to serve and talk to people.

If you are an on-time person, and clean, and you're cold, and the restaurant, this is part of the time job.

Perfect.

Part of the job.

We need person as cashier.

Great.

Okay.

We're going to call it.

I want to be the cashier, please.

Okay, you got it.

Fucking high.

I love it.

Let me adjust my caller ID, because I've noticed people have been questioning this Tennessee one.

You should adjust it from the local hospital.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

do you think it's like over the top if i said hi i want to be a fucking cashier

yeah dude i want to do i want to be the cashier cashier

yeah hi there i would like to apply for the position as a cashier someone told me that

i could get that that was on the correct list yes you would have to come and apply in person

for that with the resume but i'm quite far away see so i just wanted to just double check if

everything would be okay because you know i'm overqualified so i don't want you to you know

get there and then the person who's in charge just turn around and says oh you can't because

you're overqualified blah blah blah i just want to come in and you know just start basically

right away hello hello hello hi there yeah i'm calling about the position as a cashier i saw it

on craig's list okay so i'm really excited about this uh i'm just wondering when can i start

To apply for the job, you have to come in person.

No, that's not possible. I would like to start immediately tomorrow.

Oh, then go right ahead then.

Okay, so what time do you want me then? Do I need a kind of uniform or anything like that?

Whatever uniform you want, whatever time.

Is it okay if I take a few drugs with me just to keep myself going during the working day?

Yeah, that would be pretty good.

Okay, would you like to do those with me and can I touch you in the bum?

Well, I know you were thinking about that for a second though, weren't you, baby?

you were like yeah maybe he can poke me in there uh i gotta look after a pizza later

later he was up for it man he wanted in his bum you remind me of bruno from bruno from what's

sasha baron coin oh yeah yeah so they kind of i know noon and she's a bomb today i sing

National Anthem

of Kazakhstan.

Bruno's the gay guy. The gay

fashion model character.

Oh, that guy. Yes.

Sorry. Because he's like,

I'm the best.

He's like, okay.

I go, I have a pizza to get

to. Bye.

I have

the pizza to tend to.

That guy sounded exciting. Morgan,

are you excited? I'm fucking excited.

I just woke up. I'm excited to be

be to be awake i was i was really surprised i woke up today and late and i heard you were on

and it was this crazy show it was really funny that wasn't me that was this i was gonna ask you

about prudence and jebediah i've never heard of them before but i was um surprisingly entertained

actually oh my bad yeah it was quite entertaining that was excuse me excuse me why is that two of

view in your um in your avatar um uh double the pleasure double the fun she's just a bagger

wow that's like double mint gum thank you general awesome for contributing general awesome is here

if you guys didn't know yay general awesome do you have your hookup now for the sound thing

where you can record things on the fly play it back that'd be else it's it's working yes do it

do it do it fuck let's fuck with people all right uh we got a driver we got a driver

driver wanted for a pizzeria

you can record what someone is saying

and immediately play it back to him

yeah he does that shit

yeah he does that shit all the time

him and Dwight do that shit

I have to mute I can't wait

I love it

he gets me with it and I start talking

and shit and I get mad

alright driver wanted in Los Angeles

for a pizzeria

who wants a pizzeria

pizzeria job

please leave your message for

3 2 3 5 5

Five, one, seven, seven, seven, four.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I don't know what I'm dialing and what I'm not.

Hang on.

Get a grip.

What the fuck happened to Ted?

He was on a minute ago.

He was chatting with me.

Now he's gone.

He's real sneaky like that.

Hello?

Son.

Yeah, hi.

You looking for a pizzeria driver?

Sure.

Okay.

Is this your place?

Oh, yeah.

That's cool.

I've got someone here who was interested.

I'm calling for them.

I'm their brother.

Calling what, sir?

I'm their brother.

They're calling for the job.

um but i call because they're scared you know they're kind of nervous and stupid so i'll put

them on the phone go ahead anybody yeah hi i'm uh i'm one of the guys that's just uh looking for a

job really uh just to get some money coming in there uh yeah you could uh come apply here at

the location um the address is on the ad that you were looking at okay but i got a couple problems

problems right now I'm a little bit incapacitated is it possible to maybe just have the job anyway

you could just pay me and I'll do the work some other time so I want to do the work like maybe

you know a couple weeks time right now I'll be capacitated I'm wondering if you could just maybe

give me like some severance pay or something like that uh what do you mean I'm gonna leave him alone

and he was he was bugging me oh he's not he's not game what the fuck no i don't like that guy at all

okay that's a good idea though in a way if you think about that some kind of fucking deal

oh shit oh yeah sure yeah yeah we'll bring you on yeah to come on in come on this is not tomorrow

okay yeah you'll catch up pay me until next week and i'll come in um here's someone who had a bad

At Starbucks Day, Michelle says her first location was crowded, too crowded.

So she went to a second location where they were out of mocha.

Let me please talk to this person.

I have a complaint about Starbucks.

I want to talk to this person.

Okay.

Talk to this person.

What's her name?

Michelle.

Hello.

Hi, Michelle.

Yes.

Yeah, hi.

You had a complaint about Starbucks.

Oh, I tried to shop at Starbucks today.

it didn't work but how did you get my number uh yeah yeah i got the information off twitter

okay then how did you find me uh well found you just basically because people are basically

reposting it and i just wanted to give you a call and just to say i i completely am with you 100

actually i'm really mad at starbucks you know they used to serve this um this vimto i don't

know if you know about the vimto they used to serve it it was like um the bottom bit was like

like cream and then it was like espresso and then it had some other stuff on the top some like

lighter cream stuff and it was really really nice and i i used to always get it was like a shot

glass you know it's quite small and i would go in almost weekly and uh it was really it was delicious

but then suddenly suddenly they just stopped doing it and then i i called them up i said you

know why is it stopped and like nobody nobody was listening nobody cared nobody's doing anything

anything about it it doesn't bring it back and i just i just totally wanted to sympathize with

you i i completely understand where you're coming from oh okay thanks so what what is your situation

exactly oh i just tried to go to two different starbucks today it didn't work so what what

exactly happened you have some like bad experiences no the first one was crowded right and there was

nowhere to sit down and then so i went to one two blocks away and they had no mocha are you oh my

my god are you pregnant no i'm right do you want to be pregnant who are you i'm jim stewart okay

if i make you pregnant you'll always get a seat at starbucks there's that yes yeah it's a good

idea i don't know you really good idea weird it's not weird come on think about it right i make you

pregnant i knock you up within six months you know it's going to be a bit of a belly they're

going to say right go and have a seat they'll throw somebody else out if you ask for a mocha

They'll give you the mocha.

I just told you, I'm Jin Stewart.

Who are you?

This is the third time you've asked the same question.

I'm starting to worry you're onto something here.

I am Jin Stewart.

I'm just another guy who's had problems with Starbucks,

and I think we should get our own back.

I don't quite know how I'm going to get the Vimto back in,

but I could definitely help you with getting a seat.

If I knock you up, you're going to have the seat.

There she goes.

I'll try to call her back.

but come on

that was good

that was a good idea

fuck

who are you

oh was it you

playing it

you fucking cunt

yep

told you

I told you

he gets you

he'll get you

piece of shit

I know

how can I mute this cunt

I don't want that to happen

yes

motherfucker

he got me twice

I've fallen for a really bad

you mad bro

yeah I'm mad bitch

you reached the voicemail

of Michelle Seidel

I'm sorry

I'm not available

I'm sorry

I'm serious about the vimto

they used to serve

this fucking thing

It sounds good

I'm not stoned, bitch

I've taken some fucking

Benzo

Benzo stuff

I've taken something

That's ten times stronger

Than Valium

And I took three of them

So I'm pretty fucked

I'm not addicted, man

I'm not

I'm fucking just

I just like to

Once in a while

You just gotta fucking chill

You've reached the voicemail

Of Michelle's model

I'm sorry

I'm not available

To take your call now

That was some good calling

Thank you, Jen Stewart

For sharing that

Without sharing your talent

What talent?

Your prank call talent

it was good was it not good it was good yeah i'm not saying shit no no i'm saying thank you

no you're a hero sounded like sounded like you were taking the piss no i'm not taking the piss

no yeah quite the opposite i'm taking that's okay i i don't mind either you did a good call

fucker i'm saying thank you oh my god most welcome anytime uh coming up next is dustin

who has a problem jen how would you pronounce a company called h-e-r-t-z hurts okay i was hoping

you would say hurts or something like that no no hurts we're in english like mega hurts yeah well

yeah i thought british people would say it's because they don't know french people would

not pronounce the h there's a lot of british that don't pronounce the h jen don't no no it's all

your people short they're not your people you used to say they're french immigrants yeah

yeah go pound sand that's all we got go pound sand morgan would you like to do a call you're

you're the one who's out i'm still i'm still waking up okay wake up i just need another

moment which like you know next call or something cool general you ready with your machine it's

always ready all right we're going in this time fucking machine luna says i'm talking about cock

i think so too the google subscriber you have called is not available oh you know who i wanted

Is Lux still around?

Lux was mentioning that he'd never been on a show with me before.

And I saw he was around.

Yay, little boy Lux.

Is he still online?

I think so.

I just saw him a few minutes ago.

Summer, he should be up.

Can you add him?

I don't know if I have him as a contact yet.

Yeah, so add him so I can make sure I got him.

Thanks.

We're coming at the end of these numbers here.

Here's the last one.

This one is Brandon, who says,

Yep, there goes Time Warner and their internet throttling.

He's getting throttled.

Time Warner is the worst service out of all cable companies.

Throttle that motherfucker.

If you're getting throttled by your cable provider, that means you're doing some bullshit.

You know?

Nashby's here.

Hey, Nashby.

How you doing, Nashby?

All right, Nashby.

All right.

Hey, what's up?

I had it on mute.

All right.

Just try not to have a lot of background noises.

And Steven, you're on here, man, but I don't want to hear any dogs.

I don't want to hear any bullshit in the background.

You understand, boy?

what uh you know what maybe my wife's gonna talk but yeah hey the dead how you doing man

hey what's up bro how you doing bro i'm good are you you're in america now you're in a toilet

yeah i'm up here bro oh how's the wife like is she excited yeah she's good you know um

what's she like electricity wow he's fucking higher than me what

Dude, you know, we have access to running water and shit at least, bro.

What did you take? Give it to me.

Huh?

What did you take, man? Let me have some.

Dude, I was drinking and shit.

Ah, fuck, man.

You sound calmer now that she's there.

She's sucking your cock a lot.

Dude, you know what? I'm calmer because she's here.

um you know it's not like my dad even told me i'm fucking coming right now yeah because now i think

you two aren't both like where is he at and where is she at you know what the fuck you know now

you're like all on each other's business yeah hey dad let me ask you this um what's your wife's bulk

rate what's her bulk rate oh this is where we left off last time we did a show with the two of you

What the fuck? She ain't doing this shit anymore, man.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You can make really big bucks up here.

That's a bitch.

Oh, it's the double shot Bianco.

Double shot the puto.

Double shot Bianco. It wasn't the fucking M2.

Puta madre, the dad.

Oh, fuck you, man.

The dad. Don't be like that.

Time Warner, anybody? Anybody?

body yeah do they have to double shot bianca yeah i'll do it i'm brad paul rejected yeah

yeah in your face oh deny deny you're all pissing me off man this is jokes

you know you're all fucking is she there is my mesa what's her name my mesa

dude carmen's in the living room right now man her name is carmen i thought it was like my mesa or

what's her beard like how tall is she she's like four eight right no she's short she's shorter

than me man how tall how tall how short she goes right up to my like to half of my head so she's

like five foot nine five tennis it's not that short five ten five nine she's kind of short

How tall are you?

I'm a 6'1".

Oh, you're taller than me?

Oh, shit.

I didn't know you were that tall.

You're 6'1".

Wow, you got them big, yeah.

Wow, you got them big Polish fucking feet.

Let me ask you this, man.

How long is your wife's beard?

Does she have nice pussy lips?

Does she have a penis?

And don't be a nigger, motherfucker.

She'll call you back. Bye!

Yeah, she do, man.

It's pretty nice. They're pretty nice, bro.

Uh, they're kinda small. They're not... They don't stick out as much.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

dad do you still share that so fuck yourself but does she like dye her pussy hair colors

so i don't want to talk to you anymore actually i got my skype account deleted so don't take

things so personal to dad had nothing to do with you i'm i think i'm gonna block you again

is that really necessary i had no idea what you just said he's gonna he said he was gonna

gonna grope you again get the cock out of your throat to dead so we can understand you

it's fucking hot to dead no no no it's just games we don't judge you for being gay

you used to say you were bi you used to say you were bisexual you were like i'm curious and i

i think if i got this hot as hot pizzas and i'm fucking what and then you woke up

does she have citizenship have you seen my wife bro come on let me see let me see yeah she looks

like a hooker i will i will be the judge i'm judging man to dead i like your wife's beard

It's fucking awesome.

Is it the wife in your picture there?

Go fuck yourself, Jen.

His wife does have, uh, four legs, Jen.

Oh, really?

Most of the time, she does.

Fucking British, you son of a bitch.

Hey, asshole, I'm not British, okay?

I'm an American.

Nice, nice people you got there.

You got a British motherfucker.

You got a-

Okay, but-

No, no, the British is fake.

It's not real.

You got a British slut.

Slut, you have a Canadian hooker, you have a Puerto Rican guy, and you have a nigger, so yeah, that's nice.

But I'm not British, man, I'm an American citizen.

I'll go fuck yourself, you British.

I live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.

Who's the nigger in the group?

I guess you do, right?

Is that me?

You're the nigger.

I'll go fuck yourself.

I'm a professional Archer man. I haven't said shit to dead

You don't want me to start fucking flowing over here. God damn it. If Dwight starts it's over. How dark it is your

is that his wife

sounds like a fucking chicken in the background

let me talk to this lady

hello miss wife let me talk to you

you have a nickel you have a puerto rican you have a canadian whore and you put her on put her

on yeah it sounds like the last party your wife went to and sucked all their dicks put her on

does your wife's dark skin make it hard to see her warts and crabs

how how dark is she tell me how dark be honest for a second you know how dark like dark dark

Like, is she like a 6 or 7 dark?

She looks gray in that picture.

She's like an olive color.

She's like a 7.

Like who?

Like, is she...

I mean, I don't know who to describe.

Is she like Will Smith dark?

I don't know.

She's like...

She's dark like a burnt roast beef.

Like The Rock?

Oh, she's Wesley Snipes Black.

Oh, fuck.

Like a cockroach.

it's michelle obama dark

you put the lights out you're sleeping by yourself

milkman what milkman's checking in from his plane

okay i need more numbers i've been trying to say that to you guys morgan you can i'll give

you some numbers yeah morgan always coming in with the numbers indian indian indian all right

Alright, cool. Indian and Australia, stand by.

I'll see if I can find anything while I get Morgan's numbers.

Alright, let's get someone that's, um...

Leaders, leaders, McPeters.

You're going to have to mute him, I think, Carlito.

I can't just mute specifically, I'd have to disconnect.

Hey, DaDead? DaDead, come down for a second.

DaDead, chill out. Okay, come on, you were really...

Have you ever put a hamster in your ass?

No.

You were really nice when you first connected, Da...

All right, guys, don't be mean to the dad now.

Let's be nice to him.

He's our friend.

If you guys torment Dieter's now, he'll start talking all over top of you,

so you're going to have to be nice to him while he's on the line.

Welcome, man.

I love you, baby.

Hey, baby, how you doing, man?

I'm good.

How you doing, bro?

I can't believe this isn't okay.

Sorry.

That's your wife, you crazy bastard.

Ah, she okay, man.

What's happening now?

Yeah, hello?

Is this Indian restaurant?

That's right.

All right, go ahead, Jim.

Yeah, hello?

Yes, yes.

How are you, my friend?

Good, good.

How is it?

Yeah, yeah.

It's Mr. Stewart.

Listen, man, I'm doing well as well.

Thank you for asking.

I was in there the other day with my friends and I.

We had a lovely meal.

And actually, I don't know what it was, but I wanted to thank the chef and compliment the world about it because I want to write a review.

If you just hold the line, Stuart.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

The fuck do you think he's doing?

Oh, I don't know.

Playing with his cock.

He's thundering here right now, I'm scared.

I'm scared.

We're all going up in the elevator right now, enjoy the music.

How fucking high does this elevator go?

Damn.

As we ascend towards the penthouse.

you're the chef no i'm not i'm the worker here oh you're the worker there so my friend listen

i'm mr stewart i wanted to write a review about the restaurant but i wanted to check if it was

okay first you know i mean you you're most welcome to review anything you like sir it's a free

country no no but i want to you know because it's a nice restaurant and i want to get some facts

straight about the history of the restaurant yeah you go to our website and you get all no no that

not information was not there so this is what i wanted to write so what else i can tell you

what else i can tell you listen to me built in 1931 when india invaded pakistan the ulu kapata

of the tribe they uh they infiltrated and uh i'm not a historian brother anything else i can do for

you i want you to shit in the food i'm sorry brother i'm not a historian talk to me about

my restaurant and my food and that's all i'm telling you you shit in the i don't know what

happened to the planet you bastard the service is shit okay all right drag it down then no it's

not done you can't i want to tell you there's a shit service you know i would have left a nice

review but you were being a cunt all right all right all right you bastard why were you being

a bastard okay okay okay you you idiot gandu ulu kapata all right all right all right

what's he doing oh wow hang up oh sorry

dad did you realize though your biggest fan is in here with us nashby has been like

like, talking about you for ages.

She's gone for Golden Gate?

Because the nurse should be one of the

first to talk.

Saddle down, Dad.

You've really hung up.

All right, yeah.

Oh, is that the Indian guy?

Yeah, he put us on hold and hung up.

This is the Kazana Indian

Restaurant. Kazana Indian

Resta Uran.

I want to make an Indian angry.

You always want to make...

There was your chance.

No, no.

I don't know where he's transferring us to.

Hello?

No.

Oh, I don't know what that was.

We got a weird transfer machine there.

They heard Jen and the day going off.

Hello?

No, it's a weird transfer thing.

Yeah, forget it.

Okay.

No problem.

Mumbai Curry House.

Oh, curry.

Curry in a hurry.

What I can tell you is I like curry.

That motherfucker burns in my mouth when I eat him.

I fucking hate curry, don't worry, buddy.

The dead did a prank on me, yeah, where we got curry, and his mouth got burned, and he was talking...

Fuck curry, I'll go, I'll complain.

And I'm... I was in a fucking bed, though, and now I'm fucking...

Welcome to Mumbai Curry House.

We're open for lunch.

Hello, hello, hello.

Thursday to Friday, 12 o'clock to p.m., and for dinner, six days a week.

Tuesday night to Sunday.

They're closed Mondays, they're open Tuesday to Sunday.

Fuck!

Fuckin' Sunday.

Boos.

monday's traditionally slowest day of the week uh for restaurants spice bar indian restaurant

standby for the spice bar oh yeah spice bar perfect this is good we'll go exactly with what

i wanted to do engage being somebody picks up a nice back up you buggers no answer here we get

the hot gossip tandoori indian but then we also have morgan numbers to get to remember she went

to the trouble to get them they must be respected and used there's no trouble never mind hot gossip

What am I doing this on?

Yeah, you're still on.

I'm just trying to get one to answer for you.

Tendori Temptations is next.

Hello? Hello, how are you?

Yeah, it's Mr. Stewart here.

I need to talk to somebody.

I've got a bit of a question, a small problem.

Can I talk to the management, please?

Oh, he is not here.

Are you the chef?

Whom do you want to talk?

Anybody who can help me.

I've got a question, a query.

I've got a bit of a problem. I was there yesterday with some friends of mine and I ate some very spicy food.

But I don't know what it was. I think it was like pal or something like that.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah. Did you get what I just told you?

No, you've got to talk to somebody else. Can you talk to me, please?

What? What are you saying? Can you listen to me, please? I have to talk to somebody about a serious problem at the restaurant.

front hello fucking general you piece of shit i knew it was you i knew it was you fucking repeating

cunts got me twice uh need can you talk like an asshole here yeah you want to talk such a genius

idea general jim was like oh it's fucking general and it was really the other guys still fucking

going to town yeah so it was a way to talk to me nice you motherfucker i don't know who was

was the other guy was the other guy doing it i was having a bit of an indian conversation with

him okay good how are you doing that generally you just literally like putting this into audacity

and then saving file clips or something no um i can do it on the fly how are you doing it on the

fly i have thousands of dollars of audio equipment i so do i tell me how to do it i can get whatever

you've got this is a private it's a secret private conversation for me oh shit i will get this

working all right it's not uh we're there all right indian wave restaurant and then we will

do something else yeah okay but i really want to make this work

hello yes please yes please how are you not bad excellent this is mr stewart i have a problem i

wanted to make a complaint i know it's not really officially acceptable to do that but i need to

talk to somebody i've got a very urgent problem that i need some help with okay can you listen

Yeah, I'm listening.

Okay, excellent.

Do you have a pen?

Yeah.

Okay.

So what happened was I was there yesterday approximately in the evenings.

And what happened was I ate some very expensive spicy food.

It was very spicy, very spicy.

But then like one or two, three hours later, I went into the laboratory, into the lavatory,

you know, the place where they do their thing, yeah?

And I had a problem because what happened, it burned like a motherfucker when it came out the backside.

So it's not normal to do that.

But what order you give to?

Sorry?

What you eat?

I had a paal, something like that.

No, but what order you give, what order you eat?

I'm telling you, I had a paal or something very spicy.

What's the most spicy you had there?

I said to him, give me the spicy dish you have.

And he gave me the spicy dish he had.

Yeah, if you eat spicy, then that's happening.

But why? Why? That can't be normal.

I'm just spicing in the mouth.

Why is it spicing in the ass?

What if I put spice in your ass?

That would not be nice.

I don't know. You go to the doctor and ask them.

No, no, I'm asking you because it was your food that made it spicy.

If you eat the hot stuff, it's already in the bum.

Why not? Why not? Why do you eat the hot one?

Because I wanted to make the hot in the mouth, not in the bastard's ass.

Why are you doing that to me?

I want to sue you because you made it a pain in my ass.

Yeah, go, go, whatever you like you to do it.

No, bastard, why are you doing that to me?

Sorry?

Why are you...

Because I wanted to make the hot in the mouth.

Give me your number.

Why are you calling the private number?

Give me the number.

Tell me, I'll tell you the number.

You ready?

You got a pencil?

Yeah, I have a pen and pencil.

okay it's seven seven seven yeah seven seven seven seven yeah seven seven seven seven seven

seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven you got it read it back to me oh he is not here

general don't don't don't ruin it man come on it's supposed to be muted sorry

Yes. Hello. I have a complaint I want to make. I was there yesterday and I had an extremely spicy meal on recommendation from the waiter and he said it would be very, very spicy in the mouth. But he didn't tell me it would also be very, very spicy taking the shit, you know. And it was in my bones.

I say, which restaurant do you go?

What?

Which restaurant do you go?

Your restaurant.

What's the name?

What the bloody hell?

What kind of stupid-ass question is that?

You know what your restaurant is called.

Why are you asking me if I know what your restaurant is called?

Your restaurant is called Ullu Kapata.

Okay, thanks very much.

You idiot.

And what else?

My ass is hurting because of you,

and now I want to come in and hurt your ass by putting curry in there.

And what else do you like?

What else do I like?

I have a flip-flop and a telephone from a hotel.

Both of them going inside your ass.

Fuck your mother.

Fuck you.

I love that fuck you right there.

Good stuff.

Wow.

That's the best you can do?

Fuck you.

Best I can do while I'm high.

Fuck.

Not you, Jin.

I was talking about him.

Yeah, damn.

I was like, fuck you.

No, I thought you did pretty good, Jin.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

I tried, despite the circumstances.

answers my ass hurts and the fucking curry burnt through me and i'm high good good good oh god you

got these poisons in you um did we get more did i get more numbers from morgan let me look did

you send those yeah there's a bunch in chat let me get there oh and chat okay just a moment

while i retrieve those a couple of those look pretty good from the description they all look

good what are you talking about you're pissing me off from morgan oh great let's be honest

Honest to dead, everyone pisses you off.

No, Morgan pisses me off.

Why?

Because she made you think someone was going to buy your house?

You're still upset about that?

It was the cabinet.

No, it's not about that.

She just pisses my ass off.

Why are you trying to add me on Skype as of 10 minutes ago then?

Because you know you want to add me on Skype.

Okay, I'm not going there with this.

Let me see what we got.

from my wife's property with the motor you do okay so you're saying your wife you say enough

i think that's what he said general what did they say jen what happened jen hey uh wait a minute

1989 oldsmobile station wagon clean and runs great $2,500

with bucket seats yeah so these are all texas uh like hillbillies or just hillbillies southern

That's a classic car in 89 Oldsmobile.

Don't come, don't come working.

Wasn't it in Demolition Man?

No.

Come on, there was a Demolition Man scene where they had a 1980s Oldsmobile 442.

No, this was in like...

And Sandra Bullock got all excited.

This was in Vacation.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, you got a car, Oldsmobile station wagon machine for sale?

Yes, sir, what happened?

Is it the kind with the wood grain on the side, the wood panel?

Yes.

Oh, fuck yeah.

That's what I'm looking for.

Did you call me last night?

No, I never called you before.

Oh, okay.

Okay, why?

Did someone call you last night about it?

Did they make an offer?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Oh, man.

All right, $2,500.

How about $22,000?

If it's in good shape, I'll take it for $22,000.

If you fill the gas tank up, $22,000.

Oh, um, yes, I would take $22,000.

Yeah, all right.

How long have you had this station wagon, Paul?

We bought it, my boss bought it new.

Paul!

And his wife passed away, and he can't drive anymore, so they're selling the wagon.

It's been kept in the garage.

Oh, wow.

Do you think they did a lot of fucking in it?

Yes, you called me last night.

Why were you talking like that to me?

I didn't call you last night.

I swear to God.

No, I didn't.

I'm someone else.

No, it was you.

Oh, no.

I may be.

And you found the same way.

And you're talking to me the same way that you did.

No, I don't remember that.

No.

Yeah, well, why are you speaking to me like that?

You think God is going to honor that?

I have no honor, you know.

Oh, you don't?

No, I have no honor, but yeah.

Oh, where do you live?

uh in my house it's a private it's a private i know you live in your house it's a private house

private private and what town do you live in it's private oh it's private well don't call me no more

okay i don't want to i want the oldsmobile because i like it because sometimes other people have sex

in the car no no and i can smell it on the seats and i'd like to put a hole in the cushions in the

the backseat of the station wagon and

I put my dick in it and I fuck the car

and I cum inside of it.

Okay.

Yeah, I talked to her last night.

I was going to say.

Yeah, sorry. I thought I had started where

No, that's fine.

I was asking about fucking in the back

of the station wagon.

Did you really? I don't remember that shit.

I don't remember that either, actually.

Oh my god, that's crazy.

I was like, did you ever make the fucking in the back of the station wagon?

No wonder she was like, you called yesterday

day as soon as i said play shit wow man i don't think the rest of them were called at all all

right well that's fine because i was about to put i was like you're probably talking to dwight

here he is i was about to do that but i lost control what happened to dad did he get did he

get run off dad dad he's connected today

are you so awake i thought you got drunk and passed out you got quiet there i want to talk

I'm talking to my wife.

Oh, shit.

I know she's doing you in there wanking, wasn't you?

Five dollars, you can too.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't know your wife knew how to talk.

I have a good idea.

The dead.

Will you have sex with your wife while we can hear it?

Is your wife in the picture?

On Chatterbait?

I'm not going to do that.

No, just to hear it.

We just want to hear you fucking her.

Just the audio part only.

Not the video.

Just the audio part.

Come on, man.

I'm talking to my wife.

Why are you...

Come on, Dietrich.

You can do it.

You can do porno.

No, you can do a porno.

How much, how much, how much, would you do it for $100?

No, I'm not going to.

Would you do it for $1,000?

No, no, $50, man.

I have $1,000.

I genuinely, I genuinely have $1,000.

Come on, man, don't overcharge.

I mean, come on.

This is like free porno, dude.

This is for the group.

I'll give you $500.

You can do it.

You can get the other $500.

We want to hear the whole thing.

For $1,000.

All of your fans are going to be cheering you on.

You're going to be like, oh, oh, we're going to be like, yeah, Deeders, yeah, Deeders.

For money, she will.

Don't tell her, Deeders.

Don't tell her, yeah.

Come on, Deeders, you know you have no shame.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, no shame in your game.

No one's going to see it.

Sharing is caring, Deeders.

No video, no video, just audio alone, man.

The Deed, man, showing us how it's done.

Yeah, come on, man.

all right sharing is caring your dad you shared her with the rest of puerto rico

all right let's get let's get let's get in there and fluff you up we're ready man

five minutes talk to her okay all right hello you can talk to her she can talk whatever dude

just go ahead and turn the audio on and get get to it all right quiet hello hola hola hello

She's not talking to me

She doesn't know Carlito

She doesn't know

Alright look quiet guys

we got some bulls for sale bulls we got heifers and bulls top quality gentle pulled tested

charlois bulls we just want to cut them down and have some nice

steaks anyone want some bulls fucking rump steaks

so

Here's a request for you your biggest fan

Whoa leave a message to the tone. Whoa. No, okay. No bulls. Hello. I'm not gonna try that again

Um, um, is it true you were hiding in the closet when the cops searched your place? No, it's not what I heard

He was outside

He was outside he was telling him for what they were like

put the gun they were like come out he's like why like why he did the right thing he was like why

you this is a good thing you didn't come out there with a gun it was shiny man god that god

the great god came up did they touch your penis i like stuck their fingers in his rectum yeah

what's wrong with that i didn't say anything was wrong with it we gotta look for the bomb

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system my dick was like really

This is for more bulls, guys.

We're trying to get bulls here.

How much do you think about it, D-Dad?

Yeah, come on, D-Dad.

I'm sure the community can make that happen.

You know what I'm going to do?

I think I'm going to go into the basement, and I'm going to lay with some incense, and I'm going to stick it to a place.

Just audio.

You don't have to give us video.

Just give us audio.

We don't want to tell anybody.

We just want to enjoy the audio.

Let her know.

Think about it.

You know, it's just audio.

It'll be romantic.

She's going to like it, though.

She's going to see it.

For money.

She'll do it for money.

And we'll get you money.

It'll be just like regular work for her

Yeah

Just tip her an extra five bucks

If she doesn't

We'll buy you

Are you back?

Oh

What's the tone?

We gotta make this happen

Dad, really

Why?

You wanna see me with the

Listen, no

We're not gonna see

We don't wanna see you

No one wants to see you

It'll really make it enjoyable that way

We just wanna hear the audio

The audio only

Audio only, Dad

We wanna hear you turn that up, man

on air and it'll be like a honeymoon on air right yeah just fucking tear that tear that pussy up and

let us hear it we want to hear it you could even make money for your honeymoon by doing it on air

oh my fucking god on the internet look take it like ask morgan morgan you'd be really like

you'd be really interested in the audio attracted and turned on to hear me

It's his honeymoon, right on the air.

Milkman, hang on.

Morgan,

Morgan, you'd be attracted to hearing that, right?

Like, it'd be something attractive to a woman.

Oh, yeah, I'd be, like, just dripping.

Yeah, see?

I'm going to bed.

I've had enough.

You had enough to eat?

She's getting wet.

Just thinking about it, the dead.

But, Jen, I'm way too high. Sorry, I've got to sleep.

Jen, no, no.

No, I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

We all are.

Jim Storr would even watch this. He would even listen to the audio, I'm sure.

Shut up, Muffin. I can't keep getting him off because I can't do numbers.

Chihuahua puppies, guys. Phone calls, parent calls, Chihuahua puppies.

Yeah, but I'm fucked.

Just chill out, man. If you want to go, you can go. No one's forcing you.

you yeah i need to sleep bro i'll get up all right well i was gonna i'll send you an offline

message i got some stuff to talk to you about okay yeah fine message me i'll keep my whatsapp

on yeah all right all right bye all right bye everybody nice to meet you

i'm having trouble getting people dead why'd you scare him away

how much longer are you gonna be on uh well the rate the numbers are going not much longer but

It's still early.

It's 1134.

Maybe at least in an hour.

I can change this.

I'll find this.

I'm sure we'll get more numbers.

Maybe another hour.

I feel okay for another hour.

Yeah.

How about an hour and a half, and I'll be back in like 40 minutes.

Oh, something like that.

Yeah, just come back whenever.

That's fine.

Don't worry about it.

All right, man.

Bye.

17-week-old pull-ups.

All right, baby.

Who said?

Production Red and Plymouth Rock.

What's a pull-up?

P-U-L-L-E-T.

Oh, shit.

Milkman's still on hold.

Milkman?

Sorry, I got you.

Bookman.

It is really stormy over here.

Morgan, I just hate you.

You know, I'm not going to say why.

But, you know, I just kind of don't like you.

You know, I just don't, huh?

Who are you talking to?

Morgan.

Pullet.

The dead.

It's pronounced?

Pullet.

Did you know a pullet is a young...

Morgana.

The dead.

Dad, did you know a pullet is a young hen, especially one that is less than one year old?

These in particular appear to be 17 weeks old.

They're little, little young little chickens.

They're $15 each.

You can fuck them.

Isn't that exciting?

I don't care.

Hello?

You don't care?

All right.

Thank you.

I kind of care about the Morgana.

You leave her alone.

Be of respect.

I'm going to, I want to, I hate to leave now.

Alright, here's a ghetto motel that was sent in by Nashby, who just disconnected, is no longer able to hear the fruits of his labor.

Calling Zion's Motel.

I guess one room number.

You are being transferred to mailboxes full.

Do not accept any new messages.

Please try again at another time.

I may lose connection here because it's really lightning, really loud out there right now.

Please hang up.

I'm going to move off from that ghetto motel.

Here's a shitty motel.

Just looking for a place that I can dial through to some extensions.

That's all I'm looking for here, guys.

Shitty motel.

Thank you.

Thank you for your patience.

We'll get more numbers picking up.

All circuits are busy now.

Please call your...

Because of the storm?

No.

Because I didn't dial one.

It's busy.

Run again.

Hey.

I'm going to pass on the bunny ranch.

I'm going to pass on the gay bar.

All right.

So where are we?

Do we have more numbers yet?

Shall I look for myself?

I'll have the numbers in just a second.

I put in a number for breast milk, and I'm pretty sure they'll answer.

Okay, cool.

Those were funny last night.

Hey, when you get the numbers, send them to me in a private message, because that way

I tend not to lose them as easily.

Okay.

Breast milk, breast milk, breast milk.

From health, what?

From Healthy Mother for sale.

Yum.

Oh, Jenna, are you pissed off at me because I got married and you were waiting for me?

I think you...

how did you know yeah guys i think i figured this out so dad actually married a man and he's just

afraid of women and hates them oh you know what's more organic

she was waiting for me oh you keep saying more again yeah oh that's not no hello hi how can i

help you oh hi i'm sorry i thought this was something else uh i see that you have breast

breast milk for sale yes what about that uh from what race is the breast milk please do not call

me and keep asking about the breast milk what kind you are calling from los angeles you cannot

find the milk in los angeles no why you are keep calling me we're looking for asian and indian

breast milks no we are not to begin with we are not indian you guys are calling where are you

from because we're looking for certain types of antibodies from different areas of the world

oh what a bitch it's a scam clearly a scam disgusting okay so i just posted some numbers

to you i'm not sure if they're of interest but prudence um sent them she's listening right now

because jebediah is out so she was listening to your show and she said those are from

her show earlier today oh that's never called prudence is breast milk considered a beverage

bridge or a food it's a food maybe they can tell us what you're doing to my wife

she's a man yeah hi you're how you doing this are you the guy that's selling the

collector's books you have collector's books selling the what collector's books

no oh man you're not no um are you selling some gay sex or something you had like these

These old collector books, didn't you, for sale?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm going to push you.

I'm going to push you around.

Are you on the west coast?

Yeah, I'm going to go down there.

I'm going to push you around inside your house in front of your wife and show her I'm an alpha male.

All right, well, bring it on over here so I can pop some fucking lead in your ass.

How about that, motherfucker?

I'm an alpha male.

I'm going to assert my dominance over you.

Hey, man up, motherfucker.

If you were right here, I'd like to see you do that, okay?

I'm going to urinate on your property.

Pussy coward motherfucker that's all the way in California.

You want to call up people like a goddamn juvenile.

You need somebody to bitch slap your ass.

You need a motherfucker.

You call this number again.

I'm going to call the police and report your number, okay, bitch?

Your wife is going to smell me and smell your shit.

Hey, man, shut up, motherfucker.

Fuck you, you fucking rat-headed, rat-necked, hunky man, motherfucker.

If you were right here, I'd like to see you do that, okay?

Don't text yourself.

If I wasn't right there, you would be not fucking walking, motherfucker.

Motherfucker, that's all the way in California.

Hey, man up, motherfucker.

Fuck you, man.

Piece of shit.

Your wife has a beard.

Dad, you told him.

Hey, man up, motherfucker.

He's still here.

I'd like to see you do that, okay?

Yeah, whatever.

Tell your wife to shave her beard.

Do that, okay?

I'm such a motherfucking cock, bitch.

Because that's all the way in California.

You want to call a deep black one?

Goddamn Jew now.

Get him, Dad.

All right.

All right, I hung up on him.

Was that the 251 guy?

Yeah.

Okay, that's what I thought.

Yeah, that guy's selling Barbie.

I thought it was collector's books.

You got him good, Dad.

That was good.

Good work, Dad.

You guys are fucking fun, though.

I think he's going to go shave his wife now.

just a minute while i get new numbers here loaded up what's up is that your cat in the picture

oh dwight you sent more numbers i just noticed that let me hit those up first anything new to

report evil already any adventures no has the dead talked to lenny ever i think he could piss

off lenny you ever talk to lenny i guess that doesn't work i already got him i think if someone

Someone already got him with that one.

Okay, alright.

Here's another Comcast

complainer. Internet is still down

in Oakland, California. Comcast

outage. From the traffic

on here, it's been down a while

now. ETA, okay?

He had a hashtag and everything.

There's a woman right above that too, Terry.

Terry, who put her fucking phone

number out on Twitter.

Alright, let me get this one first.

Yeah, good.

Antonio, this is Antonio.

Yeah, hi, I'm calling from Comcast.

My name is Eddie Cross.

You had reported a ticket here regarding your service being down.

Sure, how did you get this phone number?

You have an account with us.

Is my name on the account?

Well, when you sign into Comcast service, you agree to the terms and service.

that includes the sharing of your Facebook, Twitter, social media accounts

that you log into via the Comcast.net website?

I'm just curious because that would require me to sign in to Comcast, correct?

At some point, or you were on a computer that was signed in to Comcast

or had internet service through Comcast?

Yeah, we analyze all the services.

I appreciate the service call.

I mean, this is good to hear from somebody, but you have to understand

And I am not signed into a Comcast account to the fact that you guys saw my tweet, saw my phone number, and then called me.

If I'm not logged into a Comcast account, how would you guys get my phone number?

You were logged into a Comcast IP via a Comcast IP address.

We analyze the traffic and all that.

We analyze whatever social media accounts that are logged in on one of our service-provided IP addresses.

We can tell the usernames and all that.

So what you're telling me is if I'm on Comcast Internet and I put out a tweet about Comcast,

you guys can track my name and my phone number and call me immediately after I put out a tweet,

even if I am not logged into Comcast.

Well, yeah, because you're our customer.

Yeah, you're having an issue.

We're calling a follow-up on that.

No, I am your customer.

I am having an issue, but I don't know if I'm on the account.

account if you just log into your twitter account um we have that if we have that information yeah

who else is on my account uh can you read me the names of who else is on my account i can

transfer to that department i think uh we got uh fucking morgan i think she can help you out with

that i think let's see give me just a second please hello this is morgan speaking how can i

help you hi who am i speaking with my name is morgan hi who's this my name is antonio morgan

Morgan, you are from where?

I'm a customer service rep.

At what company?

I'm sorry, say that again.

Comcast, customer service rep.

I'm the manager of the customer service department.

Morgan, and who is, this is customer service?

Yeah, yeah, this is the customer service department, customer cares line.

We were just speaking with Cross, I believe, is who transferred you to me.

And I don't have any notes here on my computer just yet.

Do you mind if I ask what you were calling in regards to?

This is the interesting part.

I wasn't calling, so who was I just speaking with?

What was his name?

As I just said, his name is Cross.

How do you spell that?

Yeah, Mr. Cross.

Okay, so do you mind telling me what it was in regards to?

Because we actually do have a whole separate department here

that deals with calling customers rather than us receiving the calls.

So it says here, it looks like he just typed into the computer

that it was in regards to a social media account, I guess, a complaint.

Yeah, so this is a really interesting thing.

My service is out here, so I appreciate the phone call, but I'm also a little bit alarmed because the account on which I am right now, I am not a customer necessarily.

I am a customer in the fact that I pay the person who has the name on the account, but I don't know if my name is actually on this account or not, which means if I am just on your internet and I make a tweet saying, hey, Comcast Internet is out, and then I receive a phone call from Comcast, that's a little bit alarming.

Oh, I wouldn't say it's very alarming, sir.

Obviously, you know, we would know your IP address, so we know what information, you know, where the location is that that tweet's coming from.

So it's simply, it's our policy.

It's part of our typical policy and procedure to call the customer and to try to work out what the issue is.

Right, no, that I understand.

What I don't understand is how did you get my phone number?

Well, like I said, sir, we have all of the IP address information

as well as the account information that's tied to that specific IP address.

Right.

So this is the interesting thing.

Is my name on this account?

Because if it is, I am aware, which is great.

That means I can actually call if there's problems.

I have to verify the whole entire account with you

in order to actually let you know that information.

But according to my records here,

what I can tell you without verifying you first

is that you appear to be the only name on this account.

I am the only name on this account.

That's what my records are showing, yes.

So would you like to get the issue resolved with us tonight,

or are you just wanting to sort of create a...

Yeah, no, I'd love to get the issue resolved.

I'd also like to figure out what's going on here,

because I'm a little bit flummoxed.

I shouldn't be the only name on the account.

I didn't set up the account that way, which means one of two things.

I failed to see what...

You're telling me I am the only name on the account,

but you can't tell me and verify it, then I have just put out a tweet online.

Somebody who I do not know, I don't know if you're Comcast or not,

because this is a regular phone number, has just called me.

No, sir, it's not a regular phone number.

This is our customer care security number.

Do you understand how that could be alarming to somebody?

Sorry, you're breaking up, sir.

Would you like to get the issue resolved tonight,

and would you like to get that internet working?

Yeah, yeah, I would.

Okay, perfect.

I'll go over some troubleshooting with you.

Have you tried unplugging the router and doing a reset on that at all?

Yes, I have.

Okay.

What other steps have you taken in order to try to solve the issue?

Well, I mean, that's all I can do, right, is have my router connect.

If my modem is not connecting and the lights read error, then that's about as far as you can go on my end.

Hello?

Have you unplugged the modem as well and done a reset on the modem or just the router?

The modem.

I mean, the router, my Wi-Fi network is fine.

It's the internet connection that isn't fine, so it's the modem that's not connecting.

Okay, and when exactly was it that you lost connection, sir?

When was it?

Yes.

I don't know. We had a barbecue today. It came back, and it's out.

Okay, okay. And there was no one possibly using the computer while you were barbecuing that could have maybe, I'm not sure,

hacksawed into the machine or the network or anything like that?

Hacked into the network?

work yeah yeah there's been quite a i'm not sure if you know about lizard squad um and also the

group that took down ashleymadison.com but there has just been a rash of um network hacking attacks

from these elite hacksaws um so that is an issue we've been having with a lot of customers in your

service area lately so it's just one thing we have to cross off the list so we can determine

what the actual issue is so why would they be hacking into a personal wi-fi network oh well

Well, stranger things have happened, sir.

Like I said, there's been a rash of hacking attacks in your service area specifically,

so it's just something, while we're troubleshooting,

that we need to cross off the list to make sure that that's not a possibility.

Well, I mean, if somebody drove by in a truck and had Wi-Fi scouting capability

and was able to hack my personal Wi-Fi network,

I don't really see a way that I'd be able to easily identify that

without going to diagnostics on my network.

work uh so you didn't notice any unusual um traffic activity or anything anything strange

at the time that the service went out i wasn't in the room when the time when the service went out

okay well okay that's probably not an issue we can cross that off the list then okay i'm actually

just going to transfer you over to our advanced technical yeah sorry technical team i'm a little

tired today i had a crazy night last night i'm just gonna transfer you over to our technical

He is our Advanced Tier 3 Technical Advisor, and he will solve the issue for you.

One second really quick.

Could you please spell the gentleman's name that I was just speaking with?

Yes.

Yeah, I can.

Last name is Cross, C-R-O-S-S.

First name is Richard, R-I-C-H-A-R-D.

Okay.

And your name?

Yeah.

My first name is Morgan, M-O-R-G-A-N.

Last name is Kendra, K-E-N-D-R-A.

Great.

Great. And you guys are Comcast service reps?

Yeah, we're at the Comcast Cares customer service line.

And Richard, who was calling you, he was specifically from the social media team.

He's from the social media team.

Okay. And you guys realize that you're calling from a phone number that's not Comcast's phone number, correct?

No, that's incorrect, sir.

This is the phone number of Comcast.

We are calling from the Comcast offices.

So I'm not sure what number you're seeing on your caller ID, but it's most certainly coming from our offices here.

Can you give me your office number, please?

Yeah, one second, sir.

Okay, so if you'd like, you can also give us a call after you're done.

There's two different numbers you can call.

1-800-934-934.

Alternatively, you can call 7400.

And I just got word that I will be passing you over to Advanced Tier 3 Technician Dwight.

So if you just hold the line, I will transfer that call in.

8-7-8-7-0, Morgan.

I'm sorry, what was the phone number?

Good evening, this is Dwight.

Hello.

Hi, Dwight.

Are you with Comcast?

Who am I talking to?

I'm sorry?

Who's this I'm talking to?

What department is this?

I'm a customer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I saw an internal transfer come through.

I thought I was speaking to a CAE rep over there.

How can I help you, sir?

I'm trying to verify what's going on here.

Your name is Dwight, and you're with Comcast?

That's right.

I'm Tier 3 technical support over here at the call center.

Okay.

And what call center are you guys based out of?

i'm based out of the one over here in spokane washington spokane are you guys all in the same

call center no i believe i just got transferred from the palmdale uh california location

interesting okay um is there an internet outage right now in san francisco in san francisco uh

let me check here uh what's the zip code where you're at i mean you you guys this is this is

actually a pretty alarming phone call so i'm guessing you guys already have my information

No, I mean, what's the zip code?

I'll punch it in real quick.

I'll see if we got an outage out in that area.

You can just look up 94611.

94611.

Let me take a look here.

No, I'm not seeing any outages in that area.

Hmm, okay.

And Dwight, what's your last name?

Let's see here.

You're seeing outages out in 9-0-0-0-1, but not in that one you gave me there.

And there's no other outages in this area?

No, sir.

Would you like me to pull up your account so I can take a look?

What services are out for you right now?

Is it just the Internet, just television?

What are we working with?

You can pull up my account.

Well, I have to have a telephone number to pull up an account, sir.

I just get the transfer over here.

I don't have your information.

So, Dwight, I'm actually a little bit alarmed right now.

If you could give me your last name and the department that you're in, I'm going to have to get back to you.

Last name is McClanahan.

What was that?

I don't know.

All right.

Last name is McClanahan.

I work in the Tier 3 Technical Support Department in the Spokane, Washington office.

Dwight, do you have any other identification?

Any more identification?

Anything you need over the phone?

Well, I mean, I got my employee ID number.

Sure.

Yeah, that would be good.

Yeah, it's S-P-0-0-K.

Mm-hmm.

That's it.

S-P-0-0-K, that's it?

No, S as in Sam, P as in pirate, 0-0-K as in kite.

Okay.

And who can I call to verify your ID?

You can call my manager, but he's not going to be in until next Friday.

And can you transfer me back to the person I was just speaking with?

Yep, give me just a second, asshole.

Hello, this is Morgan speaking.

How can I help you?

Hi, Morgan.

Morgan. I just spoke with your technician

and I'm a little

bit weirded out.

Was he able to help you with the issue? Hello, sir?

Hello. Hey, Morgan, are you there?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Was he able to help

you with the issue, sir? Uh, no.

Oh, okay, okay.

Okay, well, I do have

there's another option that we can go.

Are you in front?

So your internet's not working at all, is that correct?

I'm trying

to figure out what's going on here.

Well, you tweeted

on Twitter about Comcast

and our social media department has

an advanced algorithm that

picks up any tweets about Comcast

and then we gave you a call

hoping to resolve your issue.

So that's what we're working on.

I'm not really sure what the issue is

and why you're saying you're alarmed.

I'm actually not

convinced that I'm talking to somebody from Comcast

right now. So I'm going to need verification

from you. Well, I did give you my

first and last name. I can give you my employee number

as well if you like, and you're more than welcome to give us a call back and

confirm the identities of those people you've spoken with. I'm not sure

why you're being so suspicious. I really don't know.

We're just trying to help you solve your issues, sir. I have an echo feedback

on my phone. I have waiting music that's not Comcast.

I have a script here that's not Comcast, even

though I've spoken extensively with them and I'm very familiar with their service, and I've been called

I've been called by somebody who has my phone number.

Yes, you've been called by Comcast, sir.

And other people around me don't have an outage.

So I'm a little bit concerned.

So can I please have your employee ID number?

This guy's a fucking faggot.

I would suggest that since you are having issues not only with your internet, but also your phone,

that it is more than likely either some sort of hacksaw attack that has happened to you, or maybe somebody...

Hey, asshole, I'm in your phone. I'm in your phone.

Who the fuck are you talking to?

Interesting.

You wonder why that echo's going on, assholes?

Because I'm in your phone.

I'm in your phone.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, yeah.

I hexored your stuff.

Or have a sex with her.

Nice barbecue you had earlier.

Have a sex with her phone.

Hmm, interesting.

Or having a sex with her phone.

All of us having sex and fucking...

Hmm, interesting.

Masturbating in the phone.

Hmm, interesting.

You guys know this is trackable, right?

Trackable.

You're lying.

You're gay.

Oh, Steve.

Who's gonna track it?

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

We'll see.

Do you want to negotiate?

Do you want to negotiate, sir?

Fuck you, too.

It's not necessary.

Okay, sir, we're going to hang up then, all right?

Talk to my big fucking cock, you motherfuckers.

Man, go fuck yourself.

You guys are just going to hang up, huh?

Maybe we will.

Man, go fuck yourself.

Hang up the fucking phone.

Right, guys?

You should hang up the fucking phone.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, too.

Yeah, fuck you.

Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone, bitch boy.

Just hang it up.

You think you're a fucking cop.

You think you're Dick Tracy or something.

Fuck off.

fucking moron. Y'all got

caught. Nah, bitch. Nah, bitch.

Come at me, girl. Busted.

You guys got to up your game if you're going to fool somebody

like that, man. Come on now. Nope. Bitch, you better

not fucking be recording us. I had

you from the first moment

that you spoke. Well, bitch,

you try to post that shit online as a two-party

state, and you're going to be

crying all the way to court, okay?

Man, alright. I can't wait

till I bring this. Alright. Have fun,

guys. Oh, yeah. Fucking

Fucking moron.

Just going to say, man, there's easier targets out there.

That's all I'll say to you.

You're a perfect target, bitch.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, have fun on IRC or whatever you guys do.

And yeah, man, have a good time.

All right.

Thank you.

IRC.

He knew.

Wow.

That guy's pretty cool.

What?

Okay, what was that?

That one ended weird, didn't it?

Okay, what was the IRC?

Did he just say that?

Yeah, he did.

He said, have fun on IRC.

No, no.

How?

What?

I'm so confused.

yeah he's cool he's a cool guy he's fucking somebody somebody probably found his uh tweet

probably ran us out or something maybe that too yeah that too i i like to think that my idea is

what happened well technically if he entered all our names in google while he was talking us

talking to us i'm pretty sure he could have figured it out in that amount of time if he was

smart yeah press how many times it does not majority of times that doesn't happen um i'm

I'm running out of gas.

Does anyone want to do an after show so I can head out?

I've been on for four hours now.

I'm on my limit.

Anybody?

Now's the time.

I was going to do one, but I'm fucking out of gas myself.

I don't have any energy.

Well, it was good coming back.

Thanks for being on.

I need a fucking beer.

Thanks for being on.

You want some bollocks?

There you go.

Fine.

Steven, the dad.

Thanks for being on.

General Austin for his sound effects.

whatever

anyway I gotta go

I have a big

fucking date tomorrow

we gotta go too

alright man

see you in Nashville

tell your wife

I'll pay her next time

oh

ah screw you

hey the dad

is your wife

forcing you to go somewhere

is that it

no we gotta

do stuff tomorrow

you guys have a big date

at the STD clinic

she just got

her social security number

so now we gotta

get her ID

how much did you pay

go to um

Um, go to, like, uh, turn out, uh, job applications.

Hey, Dad, just remember that, uh, coat hanger abortions are not legal.

Oh, screw you, man. Bye.

Bye.

All right, they're disconnected.

Milkman, are you still here? Let's get out of here, man.

I'm on a gas machine.

Wow, man.

That was a crazy freaking show.

It was interesting, yeah.

Heck yeah, man. We had a good, we had a good covering today.

We had a bunch of fun people in here today, man.

I'd like to thank you about Shut Up, Jim Stewart, Heard the Dead, Morgan,

Byron McClanahan, Marty McBarty, McPhee, a whole bunch of people, Ashby.

That's right.

We do this show every week.

The most efficient show you can find on the Internet.

We ask you, Brett, or better yet, anime, because you're always welcome.

Hey, you couldn't do it without our fearless leader.

Even the last one call that I found is my money, so I'm here.

All right.

Well, thank you, Milkman, for helping me out tonight.

night um uh who uh we had some good numbers tonight and i had a lot of fun we had some

great calls yeah we did uh jen too jim was fun you know he did as usual he loves he loves those

indian restaurants he he's he's on fire again i'm hoping we can get him so glad good to have

him drop by all right i'll be back uh next week uh probably won't do a daytime show this week

we'll see

but I'll definitely

be back by next Sunday

alright

I'll catch you guys then

bye

prank call mission

I need to talk to you

about my situation

here real soon

dude

yeah

alright

call me here

real niggas

fingers on nickel

pretty non-triggers

see my enemies

defeat

while they

coping fire

Calls (39, 2 h 7 min of 3 h 35 min)

Transcript

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