Carlito Pyle

what motherfucker what listen to me motherfucker you don't talk to me like that i'm a grown man

with children motherfucker that probably fooled your mom there's your dad's on your mouth have

a good night you're listening to madhouse live live i'm the largest prank call station in the

the nation frank call nation ladies and gentlemen this song is called time time time for the motion

picture of the champion from 1973 check it out for popular movie yeah movie machines here for

movie machines yeah milkman is here speaking to champions used to be a domino champion virgin

would you ever play dominoes again milkman dude in my former lifetime dude i used to play by

satellite link only dude i was a reigning champion you know my titles you have to be

really defended so anybody ain't ready for dominoes uh domino oh shit yeah milkman uh

played dominoes in some pretty scary places as a matter of fact you know dude you go up here

you go up here to five go up here to five corners right that's where it's hard for

But if you've ever seen them, man, they're slapping those cards down.

That's what they call the Tom Cards.

They're slapping them things down like bricks, man.

And they're putting money in.

They're costing $20 if you're playing a hard game.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Call them bones where I was from.

Yeah, baby.

In high school, we played with the black kids.

The Puerto Ricans and the black kids.

We used to play dominoes together, especially freshman year.

We played dominoes and we played cards.

we play uh we played a version of fucking gin that was called tonk um oh tonk man that was the

it was like a it was like a three-card rummy a three-card gin uh game i think right you made

little books you do tricks and suits you gotta do tricks and suits that kind of shit right

yeah yeah you had uh you had to match uh three straight like so six seven eight jack queen king

that's suits and tricks yeah or um or um the numbers or matching like four four four seven

seven seven right that's a run yeah so every every time you drop down uh either a straight

straight a three card straight or a three of a kind um you could also drop down one of your

cards and you won when you were out of cards in your hand but it went yeah but for example if me

and you are playing and you drop down a three of a con you drop down uh three three uh jokers let's

say right um if i have a joker in my hand i can drop down my joker at the end of yours to complete

complete the straight, complete the four of a kind, and then I can discard.

Yeah, so I can actually block you if I have, yeah, so it's really, you can do that at any time.

You can technically tonk out at the beginning.

If you had like a, if like your card had like a low, like if your hand when you got dealt was a low value,

like twos, threes, and aces, if you only had like five points altogether, added up, or seven,

you could just say, I'm tonking out, lay down all your cards, and if you had the least number of points, you won.

yeah yeah yeah talking out to leave him on the bag break dude talk was the fucking game and i never

i never heard of that since high school but yeah it is it is good at that what what my mom is great

she's really good at that game girl she can play some talk oh yeah my mom's really good at that

she's a winner man she knows how to play that game yeah all right here's the deal with according to

wikipedia in some places it is a popular pastime for workers on their lunch breaks to play talk

it combines features of knock rummy and concurrent conchian i never heard of that conchian it's a

relatively fast game that can be played in fast short periods talk is usually played for money

uh each player plays a stake the winner of the hand blah blah blah standard 52 card deck is used

each card has a point yeah so whatever what i just said players are dealt three five seven or

12 cards depending on the number of players the dealer turns up the first undelt card as the start

of the discard pile uh players total of the points in their hand if a player has 50 points

he says talk also you're not supposed to talk out at the big oh if you have if you have less

than 50 points you can talk out at any time yeah that's when you talk out anyway i'm not going to

get into the description of the game talk maybe a lot of you know if you're in the chat room and

you know share with the person who doesn't know next you let them know what it means it is a fun

fast ass fuck your fuck you up people game man you can really kick some ass man in a few minutes

Dude, is there some Tonk Online?

Let me see if there's Tonk Online.

That would be fun, dude.

Like, get it on your Android, right?

Yeah, man, if I could play Tonk Online.

Yeah, there is.

There is a multiplayer card game, the world's number one Tonk game.

Tonk Online.

It's at playtonkonline.com, everybody.

I had never played it.

I just discovered it.

So there you go.

They're showing it.

It's also available as an app on the App Store.

Dude, I'm going to get this on Gort Connection, man.

Send it to me on the Gorg, please, man.

Yeah, we'll get on the same talk server and everything.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, dude, totally, yeah.

We'll have some fun, dude, seriously.

Yeah, man, I love that game, man.

It's fun.

Yeah, or, you know, we can bet some money, too, you know?

Well, I mean, if you feel like losing money, dude, I mean, I'll hook you up.

All right, you don't have to be like that.

Let me get the first call over here, Mr. Aggressive Gambler.

All right, dude, we'll change it for Mad Hunchies and Gold Star Points.

How's that?

Mr. Madhouse Hustler over there.

Mr. Angry, Mean, Madhouse Hustler.

Someone has a brush guard for sale.

He spelt guard wrong.

It says goward.

Okay.

But let's call him, man.

Yeah.

Please enjoy this Verizon ringback tone while you're partying.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Once again, it's MP number Matt Hillock.

Hello?

Yeah.

Is this a real person?

Yeah.

Hi.

Yes, ma'am.

I see you have a brush goward for sale.

Yeah.

Yes, ma'am.

I was wondering, you're not sure what it goes on.

Can you describe it to me real quick, the brush guard?

I might be able to utilize it here on my plantation machine.

Uh-huh.

What kind of vehicles do you have on this plantation?

I have several.

Well, it's a plantation machine.

I don't have a plantation.

I have a ranch.

Excuse me.

Oh, okay, okay.

Anyway.

It bolts on.

There's four bolts at the bottom.

So I think that it either goes on an Expedition or a Silverado.

I'm really not sure.

Okay, all right.

I had it on a Ford F-150, but it didn't fit across the bumper,

and I took it off because it was going to do more damage than it was going to do good.

Yeah, but I drive a Dodge Ram, and I drive it through the woods and the brush out here.

Yeah.

You know where Horse Machine Ranch is, sweetie?

No.

Yeah, yeah.

Out here, sweetie, there's an area that's kind of just a new development area.

They've got 20, 25, and 30-acre ranches, brand-new homes, and you've got 20 to 35 acres.

It's called Horse Machine Ranch.

Every one of the parcels here has a creek front or a part on the creek bed

and also has substantial, like about 50% woods

and then about 50% field, 35% open field

that you can put your ranch on that they build.

It has a basement and everything.

I've got independent water that I can get

from an independent water table on the ground via pump.

And so, I mean, we're preppers, you know,

so if the shit goes, I'm sorry to curse,

but if the SHIT were to go down,

you know we have our own water source we don't have to worry about municipal water

you know and all the crap that they all the crap that they put in it too you know there's

did you know there's like um a lot of uh like psychological drugs and stuff uh pharmaceutical

drugs that end up in the water supply yeah it's bad yeah but i need that brush guard yeah i need

that brush guard because um we got like a there's a like a wild dog colony here i guess what

happened was about 10 years ago um there was a 101 dalmatians movie that came out and a lot of

people locally bought little puppy dalmatians for their kids and then um the dalmatians grew up and

dalmatians are bad dogs they misbehave they're one of the worst dogs they're one of the dumbest dogs

and they're one of the most vicious dogs and yeah uh so they a lot of people dumped uh these

these dalmatians and there's like a half dalmatian and half german shepherd colony out here now uh

they're running you didn't see the article in the in the newspaper they they actually tracking them

the university is tracking them uh to see how they operate in their uh in their pack there's

they've created i guess they've tracked three separate packs there was one main pack and then

two separate packs took over um so they call them like alpha bravo and charlie and they're at odds

with each other but we got some of the bravo pack is settling in here but we got an agreement with

alpha pack um that we won't harbor any of bravo so what i do is i i've been putting the like i'm

putting uh just chasing them off of here i just you know i chase after him a truck i go up the

the hill real fast like like that um and it works but i need something i can make contact with it

without messing up my front of my vehicle so i've yeah i put the brush i can just hit those

motherfuckers you know and go right over them and everything after i decapacitate and break

their spinal columns yeah i mean you're more than welcome to come and look at it yes ma'am

all right well uh do you do you have it on the vehicle now can you can i come you come drive

and i'll see it now i've got it took off i've got it locked up in a building around behind my house

motherfucker man all right so what do we do do you want to meet first in a public place and we

can smell each other's bodies and see if we're okay to be proceed to come and look at it what

you want to meet at walmart's yeah that sounds good uh where are you at i'm well i'm in bulls

gap but i can go wherever if you have a walmart's oh well i'm in rogersville so we can meet at the

The Rogersville Walmart.

All right.

And when?

Tomorrow?

During the day?

When it's light?

Yeah.

Because I'm afraid that you could get, like, sexually attracted also to me.

So, I'd rather you see me when it's daytime.

Well, he's very effeminate.

Okay.

Well, that time is good for you.

It's the ladies.

You're very effeminate.

Oh, you like the ladies?

Do you like to fuck them?

Do you like to, like, lick their vaginas?

Suck on their clits and everything?

Stick two fingers inside while you lick on their clit?

I don't think I should be talking about this.

Yeah, you don't really like it.

I think you don't really like girls.

Like, you're doing it now, but...

Have you seen a dick like another guy's dick before?

Yeah, no.

You can just forget about it.

Oh, come on, man.

Sorry, whatever.

Finally, they're gone.

I'll be your host this evening.

I'll go by a couple of names.

Okay.

They call me a lot of names.

A couple to my face.

Hermano.

Yes.

Hey, can you, um, I just sent you a text with some numbers, man.

This is pretty fucking weird shit, dude.

There's a number for a moil.

It goes around a baby's penis.

You know, one that's like for the Jewish sacrament.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, they got some weird one that was sucking on the baby's penis, it says,

and gave an ass, sent me the number.

Oh, I can't call it.

It's local.

I can't.

Is there any, uh, okay, can you do a workaround?

Take a look at, there's some different numbers there.

or can you do the, well, the 800's going to be tracked.

Yeah, it's local, I can't.

Well, think about it anyway, because there's some good material there.

Is there a workaround you could do?

Well, I could give it to someone else later, and they could do it.

No, no, no, I don't want this in waste.

This is going to have to be you.

Okay, well, hold on to it, and then we're going to do this for a workaround,

and then just keep that one.

I don't want to call, one of the big rules is I try as much as I can not to call local.

Yeah, yeah, okay, well, keep that one on file then, dude,

because i don't want this to go to somebody else this person asked for you to do it okay all right

well we'll figure you know what i could do maybe on someone else's show i'll do the show i'll do

the call you know that's a decent you're going to let me know when you do it bro i mean that's

the thing i'm not going to um i'm kidding i will all right uh three all right don't be a

man this is a this is one of your lifelong fans my fans man oh yeah oh okay all right

All right, my lifelong fan.

Thanks, man.

This goes from Nunu.

That's what that means, yeah.

Is it Nunu?

Did you have any dreams about Lily?

Because, like, Lily had those sexy dreams about you last week, man.

No, I didn't.

I'm a married man.

Did you have any sexy dreams about, make sexy dreams about Lily on your brain spaces

while you're sleeping?

I'm a married man with children.

Mm-hmm.

I'm a married man with children.

I didn't do that.

You didn't have any, you didn't make any sexy dreams?

No, no.

All right, all right.

Well, you just had sexy dreams with the Athenians, man.

Listen, Lonesome Loser sending in numbers.

Lonesome Loser, yeah.

What?

Lonesome Loser?

Why are you talking about the numbers?

It's murder.

Oh, this show's out for our brother.

All right, man.

You got my back.

This is going to be a good night.

Yeah.

Welcome home.

Number this man, Mr. J.

All right.

That's all.

Ah, shit.

We got Stephanie, who is, oh, this is Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials, you know, Big Flo.

I think she's kind of cute.

Yeah, she's pretty, she's pretty skanky in a skanky way.

National car cannot be completed.

I think she's Canadian, and I think that, no, oh, I forgot to dial one, whoops.

Let's try that again.

National car shit, motherfucker.

I got a question.

Do that number to the old car we used to do.

I'm scared. I don't want police.

Alright, I don't want police here.

It's not like we used to deal with the food cart.

Well, that worked.

That's just a very quiet voicemail

that was at that number.

This is Celestino's New York Pizza.

Yeah.

Interesting name, Celestino. I knew a Celestino once.

An old man.

Make an order.

For pickup or delivery? Pickup.

One pizza? Okay. Yeah.

Just one pizza.

One pizza.

We just have like a medium and an extra large.

Is medium all right for that?

One pizza.

Yeah.

One pizza.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sure, sir.

Whatever.

One pizza.

Okay.

And what did you want on that?

Uh, let's see.

I needed, uh, baked.

I needed, yeah, we need meat, uh, cheese, sauce, uh, some garlic seasoning, crust.

I'm sorry.

Uh, the cheese, sauce, cheese and sauce.

Warm.

just cheese and sauce yeah with warm make it warm cooked no i want it warm okay i want it

cooked with heat yes so you want a medium pepperoni and then cook the yeah cook well yeah

you need to put it in an oven yeah in the oven do you have an oven yeah yeah you put it in the oven

you put it in there it has the the thing goes on it goes like that

When it goes inside, it goes

I don't know what else to do for a pizza

Other than say stupid shit like that

I got a different pizza place

Let's do the same thing

Let's be silly and stupid

Shakey's Pizza Parlor

If they don't have matches

Let's ask them to do it with matches

I like to make a fucking order.

Can I get your phone number?

Yes, it's...

Is that your name?

Yeah.

Oh, Hart.

H-A-R-T.

What would you like to order?

I need one pizza.

Okay.

Yeah.

What kind of pizza would you like?

Hot pizza.

What size?

Cooked.

Fully cooked.

Hot pizza.

Apply heat.

what size uh like bologna size whatever i need to stop doing these because that's not funny man

bologna size i'm scraping the barrel intellectually i'm not feeling pizza

i don't know i don't know size confuse them and say side i want it on the top side

because on the bottom side right yeah all my toppings on the bottom side

Yeah, put it in the oven?

Yeah, I need you to put it in the oven?

Come on! That's all I said to that guy.

That was a new place.

He's like, nope, click.

Thank you for calling me to help me out.

Yeah, I was calling to make an order.

What can I get for you today, sir?

I need you to put it in the oven.

I need you to put one in the oven.

For dining, to-go, or delivery?

To-go.

Can I have your phone number, please?

Shit.

Can I have your name, please?

Yeah, Hart.

H-A-R-T.

What?

Did you say something?

No, I said, what can I get for you today, sir?

Oh, I need you to put one in the oven.

What kind of pizza would you like, sir?

Oh, just the main pizza.

What?

Say what?

We have about 20 different combinations.

Well, okay, so sauce with heat.

Sauce with heat.

All right.

Alright, uh, cheese on top, and then meat.

Alright, one second, please.

Uh, can I get meat? One meat?

Wait a second here.

Shit, what happens?

I got some motherfucker over here.

He's saying he wants more.

Some shit about with heat and meat?

Aww.

Aww, man.

Now they won't pick up again.

We lost Milkman in the process because he's a stupid motherfucker.

He's calling back.

hey so when we need to come to the agreement whenever my um my whenever um your phone drops

in the middle of a prank call i can't call you back right in the middle of the prank until it's

over because if they hear the ring and they're probably going to hang up you know but it it's

It's my responsibility to call you back on your cell phone, Milkman, as soon as the prank ends after if it's an event where your call disconnects while we're in a prank call.

Now, if it's while we're not on a prank call, then it's on me to call you back immediately at that point.

What do you say with that?

I think that's the right way to approach this technical tour de force that we're working on.

Are you there?

I'm talking.

Hey.

I think he has a customer.

Who cares?

I won't call you back if I don't want to.

How about that?

Yeah.

Give me the silent treatment.

Piece of shit.

Alright, more pizza.

This is one of those take-and-bake places, so they don't have any heat in there at all.

Let's see if I can get some heat.

I'm asking for exactly the opposite of what they're providing, of what their business model is.

Let's do it.

Hello?

Oh, it's still connecting.

There we go.

Hey, I'm Paul Murphy. This is Ricky. Would you like a hair expression?

Hey, this is Sexual Organs. I wanted to make an order.

I'm sorry, who is this?

My name is Cross.

Can you say boss?

Cross.

Um, sorry, uh, go ahead.

Okay.

Um, I need one pizza.

One pizza.

What kind of pizza would you like?

Uh, with heat.

I'm sorry?

With heat.

Say that one more time, please.

With heat.

Heat.

With heat?

Yeah.

Like H-E-H-E?

There you go.

You can spell, too.

Yeah, heat.

Yeah, um, we do not heat our pizzas.

Everything's fresh, taken care of.

Well, you have heat there.

You can apply heat.

I will pay the extra charge for heat.

No, I'm sorry.

or we do not have...

Make it go.

Just fire up the oven over there, and we'll make it heat.

Yeah, Ken, did you want to place an order on a pizza?

We'd like to know what's on sale.

One cheese.

Okay, what size?

We have medium, large, or family.

Large.

With sauce.

It's 14-inch, and family is 16-inch.

I need sauce.

What's that?

Seasoning.

I'm sorry, can you order a pizza, please?

One crust.

Sorry?

One crust.

Is this a prank call, sir?

No.

One pizza.

I'm trying to make an order for one pizza.

You ordered a large cheese, correct?

Large cheese with meat.

What kind of meat?

Well, I guess you don't have hot meat, do you?

I'm sorry.

So...

I could say, oh, the pizza's cold.

A little bit no one's ever come up with that one.

All right, here's the Southside mini-mart.

Yeah, Southside.

It started with me saying my name was Sexual Orgasm.

Hi, my name is Sexual Orgasm.

What the fuck?

who says, Milkman, you're on hold.

I mean, you're on mute, sir.

If you don't know, you're on mute.

Just letting you know, I can't hear you.

Hello, Tamima?

Yeah, hi.

How are you, honey?

Hello.

How are you, honey baby?

I'm calling to make an order.

Yeah, well, you need to get the fucking order, motherfucker.

You need to listen, Sharmuta.

Same to you, bro.

Yeah?

Same to you, bro.

Bancho, Sharmuta?

Same to you.

What are you?

What's the problem?

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Shame on you.

Same to you.

Of course the boss ain't there.

It's Sunday night.

Fucker.

uh hello yes hi can you hear me one two three four five how many how many twenty dollar bills

you have in your cash register right now too many oh good good um i'm yeah i'm coming in with a bag

okay okay all right and i'm gonna i'm gonna show you come on man i'm gonna show you my penis

You hear me?

Hello?

I'm coming with the Winn-Dixie bag.

I should not have said that.

That's really bad to say.

Hey, I'm going to come rob your store.

That was a bad idea, folks.

I should never do that.

Don't do that ever.

Bad.

Hey, how you doing?

I'd like to make an order.

One liquor.

One what?

One clear liquor, please.

How much is?

What?

Which one?

One, the clear liquor, the clear one.

How much is?

what kind of clear i have too many clear sharmuta do you have that your mother no

motherfucker your mother ulu no not ulu olmec olmec sharmuta hello hello please

you're already hung up yeah sharmuta i forget what that means i think it means a dog or son

of a dog in arabic let me see sharmuta i mean slut or whore in arabic oh well that's why he

He said your mother.

Nice.

Charmuta means slaughter horn.

B-C-C-T-O.

I've got a customer, man.

I'm ready to pick up again.

You cushy bastard, you.

Hello.

We are not available now.

He's not picking up again.

All right, the next one.

Are you the nigga with the shower cap making nasty?

Making nasty rhymes.

I'm telling you, man, that's you, baby.

You remember that song?

All the way.

I can see you with that Puerto Rican shower cap, right?

You know what I'm talking about, dude.

Puerto Rican flag shower cap?

Puerto Rican flag shower cap.

Hell yeah, man.

You know how they put that shit on, bro.

You know, it's all about everyone.

It's what's on.

It's what they do to the style, right?

You know what I got.

Raymond used to do that shit with that shower cap.

All right, here's Alternative Accessories Smoke Shop.

All circuits are busy now.

what did i do oh i included the one when i didn't need one

there we go i can do this i can do

yeah hi uh i was looking for sharmuta no one works here by that name oh is there a arabic man there

or in hindu no there's not is this a black place like a black owned no oh who owns this white

White peoples?

I don't know.

Oh, nice.

Nice.

You're blessed to have white skin, huh?

Isn't it beautiful?

Yeah.

Never mind.

I got no stereotypes to work with there.

She's a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

And by nature, not really funny.

British humor.

Blaze and Jays.

This has to be the shit right here.

This is Chico, California.

Maybe these are some of the Mexicans.

yeah is this a mexican place okay like it's not like a mexican kind of place a lot of mexican

or hispanic people there are there any working there and no black people either right like come

there a lot sure why because i don't really they kind of give me the heebie-jeebies i don't really

like to go up where they're at too much well that's very unfortunate it is because they take

so much stuff and it's on them you know they just they don't ever really they always come so close

but they always fall short in everything they do,

and they get very distracted, like dogs looking at a shiny thing.

And that's where they've kind of fallen behind.

It is unfortunate. It sucks. It honestly does suck.

And it keeps me up at night all the time thinking about the problem.

All right, yeah, cool, right, Milkman?

I shouldn't seem to care for that too much there.

I don't know, man.

What'd you say?

like dogs to a shiny

you know the current trend is you know

young whites want to be black

so like young blacks want to be white

so yeah I'm not being

racist I'm just saying I don't like

to be where they're at is that what I was

do it because i actually i was actually i was actually i was actually pretty philosophical

and poetic about their the plight of the black man but i'm like but i don't want to be

but i know a lot about them and i feel their pain but oh their grips what's that about

no you're not stereotyping or anything you're not labeling i'm just choosing

Speaking from experience, that's all.

I had to call ahead every store I go to to make sure.

Is this a Mexican place or a black person place?

Oh, it's not pretentious at all.

I was listening to a random show from last year,

and I caught a black guy picked up during a day show at a store.

And I was like, oh, you're African-American?

He's like, yeah.

I'm like, oh, wow.

I told him, yeah, say something cool, man.

Man, like, teach yourself how to say...

What?

Like a circus dog doing tricks right for you.

Yeah, man, what's cool, man?

Oh, have you ever seen one cool, man?

Oh, man, you guys are cool.

Tell me something cool I can say to people, yeah.

Ethnic American.

Like I'm a wigger.

Oh, what's up, man?

Dude, you're one hilarious motherfucker.

Like I'm a wigger trying to learn.

Oh, my God.

Exactly.

Well, it's really funny.

I mean, you know, like, because there's always been this, like, you know, plight of the cultures.

And how after all this time, I mean, how, like, everybody wants to be the other side, man.

You know, they're not where they are.

But they really want to be, you know, but they don't want to say it.

It's so funny.

Isn't it really strange, though?

Why not play with it, dude?

Because it is a crazy, crazy turn of events.

I actually want to be the worst person you thought of before, right?

Oh, I'll be that guy.

I'll be that, man.

I'm white, but I'll pretend like I'm black.

Yeah.

I'm with you, Milkman, I'm with you.

I'm with you, I'm with you.

Do you hear music when that happens?

Milkman, when that just happened, do you hear music?

Or do you just hear silence?

I do hear music.

It's like a hold song it plays?

Yeah, it stays on the whole time.

I can't hear nothing else.

Hello?

Yeah, you have a 99 Buick Sentra?

I'm sorry, that's my mechanic friend.

He's on the line.

Do you have a 99 Buick Century for sale?

No, it's already sold.

You fucking asshole.

Why would you fucking do that?

Don't you be cussing at me, sir.

Look, motherfucker, I needed to get that fucking car.

Don't you be cussing at me.

Why in the hell couldn't you call us and tell us they had a time then, asshole?

Yeah, post two.

We'll give you a cheaper price for it, asshole.

Why don't you call us?

Some people are nice enough and they'll say,

We sold the blah, blah, blah.

Thank you.

Come on, man.

Did they get it yet?

or can I still get that shit off of you, motherfucker?

What are you talking about?

I'll make you a fucking better offer on the 99 Buick Century, fucking shit.

Come on.

No, I don't get yours already gone, buddy.

Well, tell me who took it so I can go over there and break the windows on it and shit.

Who'd you sell it to?

No, I don't have your business.

I don't appreciate you talking to me like this.

What's your name, motherfucker?

Don't you be calling me cussing.

Don't worry about it.

Motherfucker, you.

Don't worry, motherfucker.

Don't worry.

This is what the rednecks used to fight in high school.

The redneck kids.

Don't worry, motherfucker.

We're going to get you.

He just hung up.

Damn.

That was fun.

Don't worry, man.

Someone has a tractor.

Yeah.

Well, that place, that guy has another phone number listed.

I dialed the second number.

Let's try his first.

What the fuck did you do to that motherfucker?

That's all I know to do if they have sold it already.

It's like, alright, let's just crash the plane.

He ain't picked up a cell phone.

That was his house number we called earlier.

Uh, here's a place that had a yard sale this weekend.

Sometimes these are good.

Sometimes not so much.

But that's what I know.

Jen likes these yacht, yacht sale ones.

Where is Jen?

Uh, fucker.

I saw you had a yard sale.

You got any, you got any of that shit left over?

No, we hauled it all off yesterday.

Ah, shit, motherfucker.

I would have beat you in offering everything you have fucking left there.

What'd you have left?

laugh you have any furniture laugh didn't have no no shit motherfucker what what are you hey man

i don't want to hear that talk i'm sorry it's just the way i talk what voice was that i was

that was a weird ass motherfucker oh all right all right all right here's another yard sale

that occurred this weekend oh little pile yeah it's a good gober pile yeah there you go thanks

It's Alfred D. Newman from Mad Magazine.

Definitely one of my early comedic influences when I was fucking in elementary school still.

Hey, I saw you had a yard sale.

You had a yard sale?

Yeah, we done had one.

Yeah, you got any of that shit left over?

I'll make you an offer and whatever you got, fucking laugh there.

My name is Billy.

I live here in Rogersville.

I travel around.

I buy out yard sales after they're done.

You got any of that stuff left?

if it's a pain in the ass to get rid

of it and whatnot, whatever it does

to say a lot, I'll make you an offer

on it. I'm not in it.

I'll make sexual toys out of them. I'll craft

them on the sexual toys. Everything

you got. I'll make a sex toy out of

a TV remote,

of old...

What? Motherfucker, what?

Listen to me, motherfucker.

You don't talk to me like that. I'm a

grown man with children, motherfucker.

I don't care who you are, and if you

You can't talk like somebody.

Don't call back.

I'm talking like a man.

You're talking like a pussy.

I'll whoop your ass.

Oh, boy.

We're having fun yet?

Call him back.

Let's see if he picks up.

Call him back and talk to me.

Come on, man.

I don't mean to cuss on you.

I'm sorry.

Don't be like that, man.

I called somebody else.

I don't need you bothering me.

Oh, come on, man.

I'll show you, but I'll suck your dick.

I don't know who you are, you son of a bitch, but I don't have nothing to say to you.

Do you understand me?

I'm a high-quality, decent person.

I don't have nothing to say to you.

I'll suck your dick.

You ever get that done?

I'll suck your dick.

I'm gambling with me, but I'm still singing on the waves.

Hitting on craze.

Hitting on the corner of my block.

I'm slamming.

Hitting on craze.

Go ahead.

Hitting it right through.

This is a weird-ass redneck guy I'm doing.

I'll suck your dick.

Come on.

okay uh we got another place here another number that they have a whole bunch of stuff i don't

know if it's a yard so it looks like it was just a bunch of shit for sale so i'll call them and

then we're going to get back to lonesome losing numbers he's sending in uh resorts and hotels

motels in Puerto Rico.

I've left shit.

Call him back.

I don't think we're getting anything.

Okay, we're going to hang this up.

And instead, I'm going to be calling

the Island Republic of Puerto Rico

where there's a holiday hotel motel machine.

All right, let's do it.

Oh, this is in Myrtle Beach, my bad.

Hey, motherfucker, how you doing?

Hey, how are you?

Uh, I'll call them and see if I'll make a fucking order.

About what?

A fucking order.

Okay.

What would you like, sir?

Alright, uh, I want to make sure, uh, the people that are going to make my food, are

they, like, Puerto Ricans?

Yes, they're very Puerto Rican, sir.

I don't, is there any, can they wear gloves when they make it?

Anyone?

Can they wear gloves when they make it, then?

Wear gloves, sir.

The whole time?

Like, for everything?

The whole time.

Um.

It's in here.

Alright, will the waiter wear gloves?

Like, gloves?

Not being.

Will the waiter wear gloves?

Yes, sir.

Okay, good.

And in the bathroom, do you have paper towels or like a wind machine?

Can I make a reservation then?

What do you need?

Your name and how many people and what time?

Akulo is the name.

Okay.

A-C-U-L-O.

And this is for four people, one child.

It's going to need a high-top chair, you know?

No problem.

Now, I can't have knives served at this because sometimes we fight with the knives.

We get out of hand, and I cut the side of my wife's neck

the last time we were at a steakhouse

when they had those sharp knives, so...

Okay, all right, and then I'd like to make an order

for what we're going to have.

Yeah, for tonight, then?

Is it late, motherfucker? It's too late?

Yeah, you stupid son of a bitch.

When can I have dinner the earliest today?

Tomorrow, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Tomorrow at 4 p.m.?

Yeah, put it down for 4 p.m.,

that motherfucking asshole.

Okay, sir.

Yeah.

All right.

And then write down fucking shit next to the name.

Put down fucking shit.

Okay, no problem.

Fucking shit asshole.

Put that down.

All right.

Thank you.

Have a good night, sir.

Put down that I'm going to be an asshole.

Yeah!

Puerto Rico.

Mr. Alculo.

What's up, castle?

I got a little cheddar in my wreck.

It's moving up the stone.

Mr. Alculo.

here's the sheraton old san juan i've called them before about a chicken in the elevator

let's do that again let's start off by getting myself in the elevator here

So I can move in.

There we are, I'm in the elevator now.

Yep.

And now we need a chicken machine.

Hi.

There we go, we have a chicken.

And let's call.

Hello?

In the elevator? I'm in the elevator.

Chicken in here?

It's violent. Yeah, and I had to pop up

the panel on the top of the elevator

and I climbed it, so I'm on top of the elevator right now.

Speaking. Yeah, I'm in the

the elevator in the in an elevator here give me one second i'm in the elevator okay and there was

a chicken in here like it got real violent at first it was kind of just sitting in the corner

but now it got real violent i don't know if it's rabid or something like that um what elevator are

you in it's the main elevator i mean what i did i ended up i i uh took out the panel on the top

and i'm on top of the elevator i'm in the elevator shaft down the chicken is inside the

the elevator and i'm standing on top in like this the elevator shaft which is where you are

the one in puerto rico yeah the the puerto rico one with the casino the big which one you have

three charlatans the big one i don't know i'm not from this country i'm from america i'm from

michigan i don't know is there's more you have more than one sheraton i didn't know you had that

many on this country i think you're probably at the one at the convention center no no that's

That's where the boat goes out of, the convention center where the cruise ship leaves, right?

No.

No, where the cruise ships are at right now, this is Sheridan Old St.

That's the one I'm on.

You think it's in the other one?

Can you call them and get them on the line?

Because I don't speak the Spanish, you know, like Puerto Rican Spanish.

I can't speak it.

I don't know.

I have called another number, and it was this lady, and she was like, gay, gay, gay.

I thought, my God, hello?

Hello? I don't have anything to write down with. I'm on top of the elevator.

Can you connect, please? Please help me. Holy Father. Holy Father.

It's getting hot in here, Daddy.

...sweet sleeper bed anywhere else in the world, except maybe your bedroom is now by your own sweet sleeper to support a firm mattress over the pillow top.

This is Chris Lennon. See how to get your own for bed today.

I'm going to call the Marriott while we wait.

We'd like you to be part of our request for a test vicinity, if you're already a member.

You circuits are busy now. Please try your call again later.

Oh, I missed a zero on this one.

Oops.

Calling the Sheraton Old San...

...with billion dollars in investment in over one...

...for more information, start a picture...

To receive it as a benefit to the celebrators.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I'm in the elevator.

There's a chicken in here.

Hello?

It went on hold.

Shit, I gotta call back.

It's getting hot as hell.

There's hardly any room on top of the roof.

Thank you for going there, sir.

I'm on top of the elevator.

Excuse me?

I'm on top of the elevator.

Which elevator?

I don't know which one. There was a chicken that came inside the elevator and it got real violent.

And I had to climb up. I had to open the panel like I kicked out the panel on the top of the elevator and I climbed up here.

Are you locked on the elevator?

I'm on top of the elevator inside the shaft.

And

there's a violin the chicken chicken the

chicken is trying to attack me okay i will need you to get inside the elevator but the chicken

bacon is in there!

Inside the elevator?

Yes!

Yes, but, um, let me back to the security.

Okay.

Surrounded by spectacular ocean views.

Or relax with a pina colada.

And light fare at La Isla Beach Bar.

Connect over lunch, dinner, or cocktails.

Rejuvenated our Ocean Club Fitness Center.

Oh, that's a Rhode Island Red.

The San Juan Marriott Resort.

Rhode Island Red.

please don't splash any wires marion we are partnering with hello hello oh yes can you help

me where are you i'm on on the elevator i'm on it and there's a the chicken came inside the

elevator it's the floor it stopped on the floor is a chicken uh-huh and it's really violent it

started attacking me so i um was able to crawl up on top of the elevator in the elevator shaft i

I remove the panel up top, and I'm up here.

And the elevator stopped.

The chicken came out one time.

He was on top.

He was flapping around on top of the elevator.

He started, like, biting the cables, I think.

And something, the whole thing stopped.

So now I'm on top of the elevator.

There's a chicken underneath me inside the elevator, like in a pit.

And I'm on top of the elevator.

On what part of the elevator?

I mean, what floor?

I can't see the floor.

all i see is the concrete hello hang on there's someone okay hey can you hear me hello hello no

i'm talking to the other elevator hello well you know what hello hey hello hello hello yeah you

know what i have vision of all the elevators and i see no here please help vision of all the

elevators and there's no chicken nowhere listen you fucking monkey i need help please you fucking

animal help me listen where what hotel are you in in the uh the san juan hotel in what elevator are

you on it's the main the big the elevator i don't know which one it is it doesn't there's a bit this

is lrto7 here on the side how did you get it how did you get on top of the elevator i removed the

top panel and then i crawled up why you do that because the chicken was attacking me inside the

elevator. You gotta be kidding

me. A chicken attacking you? No. It's in there

right now. It's mad.

It's insane, the chicken. It has red

eyes. Oh, really?

Okay.

Okay, we're gonna check the elevators.

Why? Don't let me go.

Stay. I'm gonna follow him, please.

Alright, okay. And where's the chicken

right now? Inside the elevator

and it's underneath me. Like, I can see him

flapping around and he's pecking

a lot. Okay,

you stay where you're at.

He keeps trying, like he tries to fly and he tries to get out of the hole on top, but he misses every time.

Okay.

Why is this happening?

Don't get off the line.

Why is this happening?

Don't get off the line. Don't get off the line.

Alright.

Chicken!

Chicken, come on, chicken, no!

Chicken!

Hey, say goodnight.

Hell, stay here, please.

Chicken!

No, chicken, no, chicken!

He's not calming down. He's like getting drugs or something.

Chicken!

You see how high he just jumped?

He almost got stuck.

Marriott Rewards Program.

As a Marriott Rewards member, you will learn more at the point.

Marriott is on the journey to make you a...

A culo.

A fucker.

Chicken is bad.

Some mean bad chicken.

Culo pesoso.

You're some mean bad chicken.

And your mother's down there and she's fucking herself with the chicken.

She's fucking the chicken.

Really?

She put the whole chicken in her chocha.

She put the whole chicken in her chocha and then started flapping. She's like,

Ay, ay, si.

You still there?

Hey. No. Yeah. Why?

Turn on the alphabet.

Oh, wow, man. That's a good one. Puerto Rico is fun.

Ooh.

Yeah. Okay.

Hello.

Hey, honey.

Hello.

How are you, honey?

Are you still screwing the chicken?

Your mother is screwing the chicken.

There's a chicken in your mother's pussy. Yeah, are we done here? No, we're still looking

No, I'm gonna go

You're tracing the number. No, we are ready

No, no, don't trace the number. Stop it. No your local already traced it too late for that. No, come on, man

No, man, come on. I'm on vacation

Come on. I'm on vacation. No, that's your stupid

Come on. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick

Do you know the Denny's on Isla Verde?

A Denny's on Isla Verde?

No, there's no Denny's on Isla Verde.

Yeah, there is.

No, there isn't.

There's a Denny's on Isla Verde.

Yeah, there is.

Come on, I'll suck your dick over here.

I'll suck it.

You know you like it.

You know what?

Too late, buddy.

I already got your number.

Okay, all right.

You already traced?

Okay.

If I was you, I'd start running.

Okay, Jose.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, Jose Pedro.

Pedro, yeah.

Okay, Garcia.

Pedro Garcia.

You're the dumbest motherfucker that I ever saw.

Yeah, but your mom still fucks a chicken, right?

Yeah, right.

Aw.

I gotta start running, motherfucker.

Can you believe he said that, Muffman?

And that guy right there was really, really, really dedicated to getting me out of the elevator, Jack.

Yeah, I like that sound effect. That worked good, man.

I'm looking at you dudes, I'm looking past ya

I thought I told you cats

I'm a rapper, can I live?

I told you 96 that I came to take the shit

I'm thinking about taking a break already

because I only ate half

Yeah, Old San Juan

I take a break now, we're going to have to go a long stretch

at the end of the show, Milkman

Are you okay with that? We've been on for an hour and 20

It's an early break

but I only ate half of my dinner

and now I'm feeling

Feeling like I need to eat the rest of it, you know?

I don't want an unsafe drop in my blood glucose.

Maybe I'll go eat that real quick and we'll listen to this break that I set up for us.

Well, eat your dinner, dude.

I'm eating mine right now.

And we'll come back and we'll do our shit a little bit and finish up our segment.

And then you guys do what the fuck you do later.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for the early break, but I'm hungry.

And I'm going to go get that.

But we'll come back.

We've got more prank calls to show.

I've got prank calls to do.

i got numbers from lonesome loser i got numbers from llama we got numbers from all over we got

numbers numbers numbers from everywhere even our friend on facebook forgot his name oh lily yeah

fucking lily yeah sucker dick all right i'll be right back in a moment

listening to midhouse live on the largest prank call station in the nation

Madhouse Radio will be back

right after this.

1870-something, nigga, I don't sweat

to date, my mom's a slave, so I had

to plan my escape like, what the fuck?

I wish my mother had free time so I could get

fucked wild.

You can watch Anford and Spann on TV

on N75.

Do what now?

You can watch Anford and Spann

on 1975 on TV

on air. Oh yeah?

Yeah, as Bill Cosby.

Most people wouldn't realize that from 75 all the way up until 2005,

that one day Santa would appear on air.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know that.

He'd be known as the Armani, so it's a great one.

You could just get a torrent, a bit torrent, you know?

Yeah, a bit torrent, too, man.

I mean, a guy could even be so phenomenal, he'd create his own network.

Every episode of the first Iron Chef, original Iron Chef.

Just so we could have the best.

The original Iron Chef, I have all the episodes.

That's how thoughtful we are here at this show.

Nothing but the best.

Thank you for calling Oceano Restaurant.

Recently featured on the Food Network.

Gracias por llamar a Oceano Restaurante.

Well, we should continue in English, but I don't know.

Si conoce el número de extensiones, puede marcar a cualquier momento.

Para horas y direcciones, marca el 1.

Si están llamando de un hotel, marca el 2.

Si se reúne para almuerzo y cena, marca el 3.

Para votos, eventos cooperativos, cumpleaños y eventos especiales, marca el 4.

One moment, please.

Please, the person you have called is not available.

Bullshit, damn it.

There's a company called Optimum Cable Services.

They're a 24-hour operation.

A 24-hour operation.

Thank you.

You know what I was saying.

Welcome to Optimum.

Let's connect more.

Thank you for calling Optimum.

My name is Bazon.

I'm an internet motherfucker.

Okay.

Can you just refrain from speaking like that, please?

No.

I can't guarantee that I can refrain.

because i'm very upset i'm a business i'm a business here what's the phone number on the

account i'm a business here what's the phone number on the account 199.180.7 that's your ip

address i need the phone number on the account you don't have a phone number not associated with

the account i don't know okay do you have the account number no no all right well i would need

those to pull up the account can i give you a mac address sure what's the mac address where do i get

it's on the modem what do I type you would have to physically look at the

modem space I'm on the mode the main modem screen now okay what you see it

says on okay power switch okay what else do you see there's other buttons here

but you must be on the wrong screen what do you have to do is actually have to

look at the modem itself do you know where the modem is located in the

the location i think it's in this folder here oh it's in the folder i think it's in this folder

let me see oh okay it's in the folder yeah it shouldn't be in a folder it's it should be like

laying on the table somewhere all right well when you find you can give us a call so we can help you

with the internet well can you make it go from there uh if i can't even pull up the account i

can't do anything have you tried restarting it yeah i turned off i turned off the screen and

turn it back on oh that didn't work okay yeah that wouldn't work you have to is it the link

ski maybe that you need to check no it's not the links it should be another one what's what's the

location of the business it's on the third floor and then you have when you get here when you send

the guy here he has to sign in on the bottom floor with security and then he's got to bring

a photo id and like a you know just an id i guess he'll have some kind of id or at least a business

card for your company

and he'll sign the paper there and then they give him

access. It's not an actual programmed

card that opens the doors, that beeps. It's just that says

visitor so he can be escorted up to this floor and

then we'll help him out from here. Okay, great. He should be right there, okay?

What should I be looking out for?

Just look out for him. He'll show up.

Is there a confirmation, maybe?

Well, we'll see you there.

Is it a man or a woman?

You'll see him when he gets there. He'll have a badge.

He'll have sexual organs.

I'm sorry?

Will he be showing his sexual organs?

No, unfortunately not.

No, that's fortunate. What do you mean, unfortunate?

You're dirty.

I don't want him to show me his sexual organs.

Okay, so...

Look, I just need someone to talk to.

I know. Unfortunately, this is not what we're here for.

I'm one of those customers at St. Kyle's.

I'm a regular there, and I call, and I love that you guys are always so nice to me when my Internet's down.

Okay.

Oh, and you help me out so much.

You're not being nice to us right now, so.

It's so nice to me.

What was your name?

Hello.

What was your name?

I need to pull up the account first before I can give you any of that.

Papi.

What's your name, Papi?

So that I know I asked for you when I called back, Papi.

What's the account?

I don't know.

I'm going to get it from the files.

But what's your name first, Papi?

And then I'll call back in.

What's the account number or the phone number?

I don't know.

I mean, we need that in order to post the account.

It's in the folder.

I'm going to go through the file cabinet.

All right.

So when you get it, give us a call.

Who do I call?

Papi.

What's your name, Papi?

So you can help me.

I want to talk to you, Papi.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to get to me.

What's your extension?

or what's your your id puppy come on i command you to give me your name you have to give me my

name by law if i ask you to give me your first name you to give me not if you don't have the

account yes i do it doesn't matter you're still answering the phone i know what phone loans are

i'm an attorney come on okay come on i'm a jewish lawyer come on cool come on puppy come on i'll

suck your dick i'll suck your dick all right man i have to hang up i can't speak to you if you're

We're going to talk like this.

Suck your dick.

Suck it really good, too, man.

Do it really good.

I don't use my teeth for nothing.

Come on.

This is getting weird.

We're waiting too long.

We're waiting too long, Papi.

Give me just a moment, please.

Are we on hold?

No.

No, we're coming out of hold.

Oh, okay.

I want to go back.

Yes, I do. I have numbers. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. Yeah. We're going to, we're going to call another

one of these call centers here and then I'll get back to some lonesome numbers. Thank you.

And we have some llama numbers to get to even maybe even Dwight sent some numbers.

Welcome to Optimum. Let's connect more. Why wouldn't he, right? For quality assurance

purposes, your call may be recorded. To continue in English, press one or continue to hold.

Para continuar en español, oprima el dos. Please hold.

Please hold while we transfer you to a representative.

Good evening, my name is Floyd. How may I assist you?

The computer doesn't go.

Hello?

The computer doesn't go.

Oh, okay. The computer's not loading?

It doesn't go.

It doesn't glow, you said?

Go. It doesn't go.

Okay. Is it on right now?

I mean, I hit the button, and it's supposed to go.

Okay.

Let me just go ahead and pull up your account to see what's going on.

What's your telephone number, please?

To get the blue E up, you know.

Okay.

Let me just go ahead and pull up your account to see what's going on.

What's your telephone number?

Honestly, I don't know which one it is here at this place.

I don't know which one it is.

822-2015.

Try that.

What is the area code?

I think it's 973 out here.

973, you said?

Yeah.

What is the name on the account?

Well, see, I don't know whose name it's under to be specific.

I just know I'm a user, you know?

Am I not an authorized user on there?

What's your name?

Nick.

Okay, you don't know whose name?

Hmm.

All right.

You can still provide me tech support.

But the number that you gave me, I don't see any Nick there at all.

Yeah, but as long as I'm not trying to make any account changes,

you should be able to do the tech support they said the last time, so.

Yeah.

All right, so you're not sure what the account is under, right?

There could be like 50 people that could be under here, honey.

I don't know.

Okay.

All right.

Are you a customer of Optimum?

Yeah, we have Optimum service here.

It comes up here.

Whenever we go on, it comes up real big.

Optimum.

Optimum online.

Optimum.

Oh, okay.

Are you nearby the modem right now?

Optimum online.

It comes up.

Do what?

Are you nearby the modem?

Well, I have the modem screen, yeah.

Yeah, I'm looking at the main modem screen right here, yeah.

Oh, okay.

So this would give me more information if you nearby the modem.

Underneath the modem, there's a C MAC address.

If you can read that back to me, please, Mr. Nick.

Oh, it says Wi-Fi password.

Let's see.

Wi-Fi.

I don't know if I'm supposed to give you the password like that.

I don't know if I'm allowed to give you just the password, you know?

Oh, no, I didn't ask for a password.

It's what it says here on the modem.

It says Wi-Fi.

Are you nearby the modem?

Yeah, it says Wi-Fi password on here.

What is the name of the modem you're looking at?

It says Internet modem.

Yeah.

It says Internet here.

It says DS, down, up, US.

It says here it has power, sync, and the other box says 1, 2, 3, 4,

five six seven eight like that and some of them flashing some of them no flashing you know but

it's a different color of the box it's a different color and then over here in this box it's the one

on the wall and it says 14 volt and i think that's like where the power comes in you know the breaker

the breaker box the breaker box yeah hello hello please hello please hello hello please

Yes, hello?

Yeah, what happened? Where were you?

Yeah, no, I was asking, what is the name of the modem box that you're looking at?

Where did you go for so long?

Where did you go for so long? Why?

I'm right here.

Okay, so should I restart the power, you think?

No, I don't think you do that.

All right, so if you don't have the service with Optimum, I would encourage you to get the service with us.

I do have service with Optimum.

Any kind of...

I do.

What is that?

We have the service with Optimum.

We pay.

It says really big.

Right, but I don't have an account to work with.

My screen is blank.

That's what I'm saying.

Optimum Online, it says really big when we get on.

And the bill that came here says Optimum, you know.

You have the bill, David, true?

No, but I know it says Optimum on it.

They said it says Optimum on it.

There's a document here, and everyone put down how much was paid.

And when it says Optimum Internet, and it has the numbers there.

It says Optimum Internet, and it has numbers there, yeah.

Okay.

Mr. Nick, what is it you said you need help with?

The computer doesn't go.

What is the name of the computer you have?

It says Inspiron 1545.

Inspiron 1545.

That's right.

Inspiron, that's the Dell computer, right?

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Do you have a pen and paper, David, too?

No.

Well, let me know when you get a pen and paper.

Let me give you Dell's number.

I don't need Dell's number.

they don't do the internets they do the computers right but you see your computer is not going so

if the computer is not going it doesn't go i hit the blue e and it doesn't go i'm putting the mouse

right on the blue e and nothing comes up it doesn't go to the internet page yeah something

is going on with the computer it says listen let me give you dell's number shut up please

it says that this page is not available while offline right so what does that mean it means

Let me give you Dell's number.

No, I called Dell already.

I talked to an Indian man, and he said that, I wrote down what he said.

You want me to tell you?

It says to confirm network connections, confirm modem is getting signal.

It says call internet or cable providing company.

It says here to write down.

that the network connection says it's not it's not saying the network address is unavailable

it's just coming back saying that it won't go you know that's what he said hello hello whenever you

decide to start talking again yeah i'm here i'm just my screen is blank i need to pull up an

account and i i don't have any information on an account how do i what do i do with the blue e

help me please help me help help help if you want me to help you help please help help please help

please

help please help sir fucking asshole where are you hello

yes i'm here motherfucker i need help motherfucker come on sir if you're gonna be cursing

if you're gonna be cursing i find a way to get out of doing my job

I'm a lazy fucking Hispanic.

Excuse me?

What was your name?

Do you have a telephone number I can pull up the account on, sir?

Yeah, well, you push it in your ass.

I have a phone you can put in your ass.

You seem to be disrespectful at this point.

You are disrespectful by not making the computer go, motherfucker.

Okay, what's your name?

Jose.

What's your name?

Jose.

Hector.

What's your name?

Please vote for me, please.

What?

What's your name?

Pedro.

Paco.

Pablo.

Celestina.

Who?

There's tiny chat going on tiny chat dot-com slash prank call nation that nobody's in right now

Dark strangers in there and weeping angel. Yeah

The crazy cat people are in there

Station won't connect motherfucker

Playing this war game

Game war game game that I'm thinking I'm gonna start putting on Twitch. It's fucking intense man lost a whole

I lost a whole wing of

F-818 Hornets today

trying to take over.

Trying to retake the Copa League.

I'm not using a VIC-20. What are you using?

Nope, man. Relax. I'm trying to

talk about something, nope, man. Relax.

Tell him. VIC-20,

dude, that's JVR.

Where you been for the last 30 years?

Alright.

You have to have the news stuff if you want to get along

in this world. Puerto Rican hotel.

Call them and stuff. Why do I have

echo why did it i don't know man but it sounds great man right up here on top of the elevator

yeah yeah i know i don't know i don't know why i ended up with echo with that

to the bathroom all right here i'm gonna hang up on this place we're gonna call a hotel and

something a bitch-ass motherfucker you got any more lonesome numbers there yeah i'm doing them

i'm doing them asshole oh thank you bro thank you man i shut up doing far between why don't you go

go eat a lot of barbecue and get fat that's right much love brother thank you thank you for calling

my name is jose hey jose why don't you eat a lot of barbecue and get fat excuse me why don't you

to go eat a lot of barbecue and get fat this i'm gonna go do a prostate exam on your mother

yeah i guess way better than sitting on hold i guess you should think about it

I was just joking with the joke

I was just being funny

I'm sorry

I'm just a joking guy

I have a question

Is there a place where I can see

Some cockfighting

Near here

Oh, if it's La Verde tomorrow, you can get that.

Okay, and then the guys pull out the peckers there?

They'll probably pull your mom's.

They're your dad's and your mom's.

Have a good night, sir.

Ah, puta madre.

Your mom and your dad, man.

Put your mother, mira.

Put your puñeta.

Why?

Baby, mira.

Hey, mira.

Hello, man.

Because I do prank calls about peckers.

Because you fucking remind me of the old days, dude.

You get Puerto Rican and shit, dude.

I didn't laugh, because this is like always from the old days, dude.

This is like cracking me up.

Way back in the day.

Okay.

All right.

Well, here's another one that I got.

Yeah, buddy.

Thank you for calling Berdanza Hotel, a member of Preferred Hotels and Resorts.

This is Gerardo.

How may I assist you?

Hello.

Yes, sir.

Yep.

How may I assist you?

I'm in the elevator.

You're in the elevator?

Are you stuck?

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you help?

Let me, let me call security.

But wait a minute, listen.

Hello?

Yes, sir?

Um, I'm stuck because I got on top of the elevator.

Did the elevator stop?

Yeah, well, I stopped it myself.

I stopped it myself, and then I took out the ceiling panel,

and I came on top of the elevator here.

I'm on top of it now, you know?

Okay, let me call the security officer so he'll be able to assist you.

Yeah, but can you tell him not to make it go, because I'm scared a little bit that it'll go.

Okay, no worries. Let me call security right now.

I was doing... This guy said he had some...

Okay, let me call security, sir. Please stay by. Don't go anywhere.

I'm going to take it to the top floor, because there's no room for you to watch.

Excuse me, sir. Which elevator did you choose? The one to the left or to the right?

I don't know, man. Like my left? Your left? My right?

If you were to stand in the front of the lobby, which of the elevators do you want? The one to the left or the one to the right?

Well, yeah, if I'm in the front of the lobby, but then which way am I going?

I'm sorry?

But then which way am I going, left or right there?

Okay, uh, standby. I'm, I'm contacting the...

Because I, I came up here and, um, I was doing drugs up here and then I got stuck up here, you know?

Um, so I...

Okay, but is there any way that you can go back inside the cabin?

I broke the wires.

I'm sorry?

I broke some of the wires.

Hey, hang on, someone's in the...

Hey! Hey! Hey, man, can you stop the, uh, can you tell someone to let me out of there?

Can you hear me?

Sir, is there any way you can go back inside the cabin?

Well, it's... I can't right now.

Hey, man.

Okay.

There's something there.

You can go back inside the cabin.

Yeah? And do what?

Yes, sir.

Why?

They'll be able to assist you if you're inside the cabin.

Okay. Will they masturbate my sexual organs?

I'm sorry?

Will they masturbate my sexual organs?

Just in case he needs to do something to the elevator to make it work again,

it's best for you, for your safety, to be inside the cabin.

But will they masturbate my sexual organs?

I'm sorry?

Will they masturbate my sexual organs?

Uh, no, sir.

Why?

Uh, give me one quick second. Let me, uh, contact security.

Okay.

That's called hanging up, bro.

Alright.

Here I am, back out of the elevator again.

You know me.

Dude, it gets hot up there, man.

I know.

They try and take it to the 11th floor, man.

It's so squashy.

Yes, sir.

It's 11.17.

I might be on for like another hour, maybe, I think.

We'll see how it feels.

What numbers do we have?

Let's see.

Let me get back to the lists.

You're cracking me up, bro.

I'm about ready to pick up another check.

I'll be needed.

All right.

Here's the quality in Puerto Rico.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

All right.

It's quality.

Wow.

okay a lot of ringing yeah a lot of ringing

uh coming up next is the casa condada hotel the famous casa condada hotel located in old

san juan's district before a monastery later became a nunnery or whatever those are called

And now it's a hotel. It's been one of the more fancy hotels in the old San Juan tourist district for many years now.

It's one of the, one of the Brill buildings, so to say.

I'm in the room and there came in here a chicken.

For what day, sir?

Outside. There's a chicken outside.

No. Now it's full.

No, I'm there now. I stay in there now, stupid.

yeah stupid i'm staying there now i stay there now i stay here now what is your room i don't

know the room i don't have the key i'm in stuck in the bathroom because there's a chicken inside

the room is violent chicken because there's a chicken in here a chicken a chicken okay where

are you in the room in your room in the bathroom in my room because the chicken is attacking me

inside the in the side of the room where the bed is i was sleeping and the chicken came in

it opened the door it came in it was attacking me and i had to go into the bathroom okay where

is your room i don't know for the number i don't have the key the the door key i don't have it

it's in the bedroom i had to run in the bathroom i'm on the second floor please call the chicken

please okay boy no wait don't okay boy she's on her way to the second floor to find that chicken

Chicken milk, man.

Christine, thank you for giving me a letter of comment.

I'm in a search card.

Oh.

May I speak to you?

Yeah.

There's a chicken in here.

I had to go into the bathroom because of the chicken.

Okay.

What do I do?

Hello.

You guys need to do something about this chicken that's in my room.

In the room?

Yeah, there's a chicken.

It's a violent chicken.

It was attacking me.

It started pecking at me and everything.

and I had to go run.

I threw things at it,

and I have none of them in the bathroom.

In what room are you at?

I don't know the number now,

and I don't have the card, you know,

that you gave me that has the number.

I don't have it because it's outside there with the chicken.

Can you give me your room number?

Well, I don't know the number.

I know I'm on the third floor,

but I don't know what room the chicken...

Can you go outside your room?

No, the chicken fight me.

The chicken's trying to fight me.

Okay, can you give me your name, please?

Well, I'm not on the room.

I'm staying here, like, with...

Oh, I'm sorry?

I'm not on the...

I'm supposed to be on the room.

Can you give me your name, please?

My name is Akulo.

I'm not supposed to be on the room, though.

I'm staying...

I met a man at one of the...

Do you have this place here on Isla Verde, you know, called Bongo's Drums?

Can you give me your last name, please?

Akulo.

Okay, I'm gonna be...

I'm gonna end the word.

You're gonna what?

You're going to why?

No.

Why?

Please?

All right, enough with the chicken, all right, Milkman?

I don't think it's fun anymore.

It's been done.

It's overdone.

That's enough.

Hey, guys, we're chilling here, me and my buddy Milkman doing some prank calls.

Be sure to head on over to prankcallnation.com, prankcallnation.com.

That's the main website for this network that I'm broadcasting on.

We try to make you laugh.

We just try to make people happy and make people laugh and get you through your day.

Whether that's your work day or your day when you're sick in the hospital or you're at home or whatever it may be.

Just whatever it is.

Try to laugh with us.

MadHouseLive.com is my website.

I've been doing my show for 10 plus years now.

It's been a great ride

And we're still here

And I'm still enjoying it

We just got a lot more people with us now

We got a big family

We kick ass

We try to at least

I think we do

Everyone

Every host on the network

Is

I'm super happy with

All of them

Talented print callers

Every single one on that list

Yeah

So we'll continue now

With the show

Milkman are you still working?

What are you doing?

You're on break?

are you playing with the clouds up in the mountain like you do sometimes like man i'm up here

tripping and there's clouds the clouds in my car man sitting there up up there driving up to the

mountain dropping acid doing a show with us okay okay watched an interesting documentary i don't

know if it's already made the rounds around among the community but it was the first time i saw it

It's on Netflix.

It's called Hotline, and I wasn't as impressed with it as I was hoping I was going to be,

being that it was telephone line related.

But it deals with hotlines that people call.

It has a number that we've pranked here before.

It used to be known as the Gay Switchboard, it was called, in San Francisco.

now it's known more properly by what it's supposed to be what it is which is a lgbt helpline you know

for people usually for teens or young people who are very intimidated about coming out of the

closet just lending support anyway um you know they interviewed them miss cleo if you guys remember

miss cleo the calling me now miss cleo uh psychic tarot reader uh she gets to give her story i had

had no idea her what her story was i thought she was just she actually worked for that it was pretty

much one big company in the 90s that was doing over the phone uh fucking uh astrology shit and

she was just a regular just a regular one of the ones that just answered the phone but she started

getting people asking for her extension specifically because they loved her because she had the jamaican

accent it was really nice and he's all like hey baby i tell you what you know what made her

endearing anyway so the company came and said hey you have the most customers by far the most

minutes you have the best stats making the best most money out of all our agents and the entire

nationwide organization of people who are at home doing psychic phone calls um we want to put you in

an infomercial she's like sure so in a way she kind of admits that she kind of sold herself

she played up the jamaican thing and her name thing you know you know and uh she says in the

contract she signed it they started getting her into trouble because they were they would make

promises like they would send an email to a bunch of people and say miss cleo directed me to email

you directly for this free consultation with her you know and it wasn't true it was unfair practices

but she ended up getting embroiled because of the company um she explains that in some states in the

united states if you if you sue a company you can also sue a representative of that company and

that's how she got entangled in the bullshit kind of unfairly at least that's the way she puts it

and she ended up losing out of the money she made out of it she lost some 73 million dollars of it

so she lives a pretty simple life she still does terror readings over the phone but she's more like

shell like she she seems to be like you know i lived it you know i was famous for more than 15

minutes and she had a fun experience now she has this dog anyway and you know it goes into a bunch

of stuff so it's a fun related thing it's called hotline it's on netflix right now it was made in

2014 seems to be having shot in 2013 per the source material they quoted in it so i recommend

it i give it you know i'm gonna have to give hotline uh three and three quarters stars not

bad not bad decent watch uh but not what i was hoping it could have been yeah um now i did also

Also, and I forgot to mention this last week.

General, the search, I don't know, maybe I did mention it last week.

But a great documentary that taught me a lot about Asian American history.

Okay.

I learned a lot about Asian American immigrant history by watching a documentary on the food, the plate, known as General Tso, that recipe.

This documentary started off by just trying to figure out who General Tso was and how the chicken came about.

And they ended up learning a whole bunch of shit in the process about the culture of Asian-Americans, especially Chinese-Americans, who moved here starting in the 1800s into San Francisco, where you are, Milkman.

The whole Chinatown district.

Oh, yeah.

They really got into the story.

I don't want to ruin it for anybody.

That was, I give it five stars.

I watched it twice.

I watched it once on my own, watched it again the whole way through with my wife and enjoyed it just as much as I did.

What did you call it?

i want to watch it then man because i like that i've heard part of the story before but i'd like

to hear the official story it's called in search of general so in search of general so yeah that's

the one everybody spells tso tso information yeah and they talk about that in the documentary

they say there's there's so many 40 different known variations sao tao dao nao su yeah there's

yeah it's yeah yeah it's an amazing story guys and they talk about the recipe and how it got made

and the person who really started it and the person who showed it off in the states and

the big battle between the two of them because one copied the other but only one got the credit

in the states for making this food which is by far apparently uh it is by far the most ordered

chinese food um uh in american chinese restaurants and it's made all over the world there's indian

chinese like there's chinese restaurants in india like chinese immigrants have gone to india

and they make their own chinese restaurant that's like a fusion indian in puerto rico there's great

chinese food i don't know if you ever had a chance on the islands or puerto rico to have like

a chinese food from there like because they they the puerto rican ones they mix in the

The Puerto Rican spices and the way they make the rice.

And they're adding plantains and stuff.

Oh, it's awesome.

Anyway, insert to general show.

That one I gave five stars.

And that's my Netflix picture of the week.

I'm pretty good at doing that every week.

And those are mine.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Get back to some number calls.

We'll have some people joining us here in about 20, 30 minutes.

Milkman, is that copacetic with you, big man?

Okay with that

Let's see if it's not too late for me to call about a tan couch that's for sale

In Tennessee, I think it's too late myself, but I'm just gonna give it a shirt

Weiner shut up new new. This is a new new show. It's probably

Hello, hello. Yeah. Hi you have a sofa couch for sale

You put down you have a fucking sofa couch for sale motherfucker

They have a town couch for sale motherfucker and it says it's a good fucking shape fifty dollars

It says fuck my asshole

And why are you acting like you don't know what i'm talking about motherfucker you

Oh, man, oh, man.

You ain't having no anal sex with me.

I don't care what your name is.

He did what he had to do for them.

I'm having anal sex with the grits.

Trust me, he's right here.

Please leave your message for 423-999.

I'll try one more time, one more time.

It's not harassment until three calls.

Truth is, it's harassment when they say it is, especially when it's a woman.

Trust me.

Learned the hard way here.

Please leave your message for 4-2-3.

Okay.

Too bad, Milkman, too bad.

I know that was your favorite call of the night, but it's not going to be followed up on, you little monkey.

You're cracking me up tonight, man.

I'm having fun.

We're having fun.

I'm having fun.

That's the worst you can have on me, man.

I'm loving it, dude.

dude. The old style

packed me up, man. Yeah, we gotta balance.

We gotta balance going here. Here's

the Casablanca Hotel in Puerto Rico.

What else can I come up with? Chat room.

Help me out. Give me something to do

with Puerto Rican hotels. I've

done the chicken thing to death.

Alright, other than just saying, hey, motherfucker,

what else can I do?

Let's see the chat room.

There he is. Bombing the elevator.

Great. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Ask them if they know Mark Anthony.

Ask Neon like the jork.

now. Well, I could, but

what do you do after that?

Pedro? I got Pedro?

Alright.

Alright, now we got you.

Stuck in the elevator with Vanna White, Ted Webb?

Is that where you're going?

Whatever.

Nuno says, yeah, I can do the whole

do you have electricity?

How does the toilet work here?

Alright.

Thank you for calling

in Casablanca, a family-owned historic hotel in the heart of Old San Juan, Puerto Rico.

If you are arriving through Luis Munoz Marin Airport, we recommend a taxi from the airport

directly to the hotel.

The trip takes about 15 to 20 minutes, depending on traffic and cost, $21 flat fee up to six

passengers plus $1 for luggage item handed to the driver.

If you are arriving from Isla Grande Airport in a local flight, we also recommend a taxi.

Although the trip is only 5 to 10 minutes and can cost $15, we do not recommend taking any public transportation as these currently take too long and can be complicated to arrange.

Additionally, once you are in the Old City, there is generally little need to drive as there are many restaurants, shops and attractions within short walking distance.

To hear this message again, press 1.

No.

To hear the information menu again, press 9.

No.

To hear the main menu again, press the star key.

I'm

sorry i did not get that all right please try again fuck that hotel i don't

All stuff I already know

I go there a lot

That's my go to

Get away from everything spot

Which I'm talking about

I'm going to be doing soon

As soon as it gets a little cold in here

I'm going to be taking a week by myself

I'm going to get a suntan

Swap some cigars

And drink some good beer

Milkman you can come

If you get a plane ticket to Puerto Rico

Man you'll tear out Puerto Rico

Maybe we'll go to good old

St. Croix

Here's the

Coqui Inn, let's see if we can get some

Better information from this place

Something like the Casablanca, this is an infomercial

Milkman's helping out

Pedro, old Pedro getting a ride

Pedro's like, hey man

Come here, I got your tip right here

Come on, I'll talk to you man

Thank you for the Coqui Inn, good night

How may I help you?

Hey, my name is Akulo, I need assistance please

My name is Akulo, I need assistance

Assistant with what, sir? What is your question?

I'm trying to find out exactly now. I'm just going to be staying here.

Where do I exchange my United States dollars for coconuts or plantains or whatever you have for money here in this country?

Well, you have to go to the bank to exchange coins, you know. That's the only option that you have over here.

So I go to the bank and then what do I get for...

I really don't know the exchange, the coins.

You know, you have to go to the bank and ask.

But for exchange or exchange of money?

What are they using?

A saying is what are you using here?

Coconuts, what do you use?

Shells?

Dollars, dollars, you know.

Puerto Rican dollars?

Yeah.

Okay, so I have to exchange U.S. for Puerto Rican dollars.

No, you're going to use the same.

This is the first time that you travel because you're going to use the same coins.

You don't have to exchange.

If you have euro, for example, you can exchange the euro for dollar if you want.

But if you have dollar, you just use the dollar, you know?

No, I don't want to do it wrong.

I want to do it right.

So when I go back, they know that I didn't buy anything, any cigars.

I know I can't buy cigars here, they said, not to bring back anything like that, right?

Yeah, I really don't know about that issue, sir.

You have to go call the airport or something like that.

Well, then I can't bring back the cigars from Puerto Rico because of the embargo and stuff.

I'm not supposed to.

Yeah.

It's funny to me.

Because those are my people.

Sorry.

Maybe you guys aren't enjoying this.

I want to do it right.

How many coconuts?

Hey, we got the San Juan Water and Beach Club Hotel.

That's my favorite hotel.

Whenever I visit San Juan, Puerto Rico, I stay at the San Juan.

water and beach club hotel uh anyone staying there can bring their room card up to the top level bar

on the top of the building next to the with the pool next to it and uh you can get free drinks

all you can drink for free between 4 and 7 p.m every day that's at the san juan water and beach

club hotel hotel during my honeymoon and let's call them already because this is the place with

With all the blue colors, guys.

The Blue Hotel.

It's fucking dope.

I love this hotel, man.

My favorite hotel in Puerto Rico.

This is where you go.

If you ever go to Puerto Rico, you've wondered where to go, Carlito said go to the San Juan

Water and Beach Club Hotel.

And if you want to swap me, you can do it at this hotel.

If you know I'm in Puerto Rico, I'll probably stay in there at least one of those nights.

Take care.

Oh, man.

The Water and Beach Club, out of business.

Gone.

We're busy.

Eh, it's all good enough.

Let's not mess with my friends.

Star of India.

Yeah.

They're in Australia.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling the crossroads.

We're just on another call at the moment.

Please leave a message after the tone with your name.

Time.

Maybe I'll loop back and call that back later.

Here's a different star of India.

No number here.

No pick up here.

Hello?

Picking up here.

Hello?

Voicemail.

We got a blue elephant Indian restaurant in Australia.

Let's try that.

New South Wales.

North South Wales.

I don't know what it's called.

Fucker.

Hello?

Got Big Kenny on the top.

Yeah, hi, I'm trying to make an Indian food order. Does that you? Hello? Okay, whatever. Bye monkey

Here's the next one. I'm getting bored and tired and lazy and I don't want to do a show anymore

I want to make an order. I want to make an order. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Okay. All right. I like it. Do you have butter chicken?

Yes, one butter chicken. Mm-hmm. Okay

Okay. One tandoori chicken?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. One bhenchod?

Yes.

One mutter chod?

Sorry?

One mutter chod?

No, we don't have that.

No? Do you have a sister then?

Okay, thanks.

Do you have a sister?

Sorry?

Sister. Do you have a sister?

Lovely sister?

No.

Why not?

No, we don't have.

Where do you come from?

Goodbye.

What? I'm from India.

Where did I come from?

Yeah.

I'm Bengali. I'm Bengali.

that's what you say to that after the show is the after party there after the party it's the hotel

um all right here are llama liquor lames numbers

see if i can milk these for about 15 minutes before i get my

extended friends out of here i can just milkman can i dial people up now it's been more than two

hours i started like can i please because i'm starting to drown man i'm starting to

can i call on reinforcements please milkman what's gonna happen about the glass what the glass

at the moment the glass the lab the lab yeah there's no money i don't know i don't know

what you're saying what are you talking about speak up first of all what thank you where

Where? Puerto Rico?

Oh, I don't know much.

I don't know.

They're going to get the aid they need.

They'll be fine.

You know what happened?

Jeb Bush went to Orlando two weeks ago,

and he said, if I was president,

you better be sure that Puerto Rico will get all the aid it needs to get out of this,

and they'd be allowed to claim whatever bankruptcy they need to

to get the debt forgiveness they need and be taken care of.

so like the media in puerto rico went with that and everyone in puerto rico now is like well

uh jeb bush probably gonna win presidency so yeah he's you know they're you know everyone's like

whatever like yeah we just we're just gonna bank that uh it gets taken care of like everyone's like

fuck it this is like fuck it at this point it's like fuck it what can we do we can't pay it we

can't pay it uh it's the first of the month and we can't pay all the bills and we owe a lot of

people and uh i mean that's all it is that's all it is right now um i haven't looked into it any

further than that milkman but i will make an effort this week uh i think tomorrow is going

to be the big day the big shake-up whatever happens tomorrow being that it's monday um

regarding the default itself is what it is and what's going to be more important is what uh

feedback there is from washington that's what i'm looking at for and invariably from the campaign

paint trail also uh you know we'll see what the responses of uh annexation yeah annexation

well it's already annexed um i think the conditions for and you know i've i've always

thought and my family my mother thought me and my mom um we were under the thinking right there

in the same town buddy we were in the thinking under the thinking that um the reason why the

the government that was the the democratic government uh state or island government that

was in charge of puerto rico in the late in the 90s until the early 2000s that was getting rid

of all these subsidies and stuff to kind of make it was they were doing a lot of stuff to fuck up

the economy on purpose so that puerto rico would be streamlined into becoming a state to make it

easier for puerto rico to get to the point where it has to become a state for the united states to

basically bail it out i think what the agreement is going to come to some there's going to be

statehood um in the process of puerto rico bailing out i don't think the u.s congress and senate is

going to approve uh substantial amounts of budget uh towards bailing out puerto rico and its financial

status without puerto rican's becoming uh the state without becoming a state now the republican

The Republican Party and the Democratic Party have both said repeatedly that they would honor and respect any plebiscite that came from Puerto Rico, saying that they wanted to become admitted to the United States, that they would indeed go through the process, and if that's what the majority of Puerto Ricans wanted, they would start that process.

says people on both sides so it's a it's got bipartisan support especially especially in

places that have high populations of puerto ricos puerto rican so we're talking florida

connecticut new york etc etc um and then hispanics go on with that because we all vote as a block

yeah and a lot of things when it comes to stuff we do hispanics do vote as a block that's been

the most part anyway so i mean it's i don't know we'll see milkman this week it's going to play

out i think tomorrow and tuesday that whole situation is going to play out i think it's

going to become more significant news this week it's going to i think it has a chance of making

the the media rounds this week in the media engine the liberal media engine we'll see i'll monitor

the situation here in the satellite center and i'll follow up next week all right we'll see

where we're at but it's going to be interesting i'm glad you brought it up man i'm glad you brought

it up thank you it's a situation that mirrors the greece the greek situation a lot but the

The problem is Puerto Rico is in a lot way better situation than Greece.

That's why the independent party, there's a Republican party in Puerto Rico that's for staying a commonwealth.

They want to stay exactly how they are.

Then there's the Democrat party, the Democratic party, the liberal side, that wants to become a state.

They're pro-statehood.

And they're the ones that were in charge for a long time.

They're the ones that are becoming more of the majority.

And then you have the independent party that gets at the most gets a 10 percent share of the vote.

Never does. It doesn't break the single digits in the election, but therefore becoming independent, ending the colonization of Puerto Rico, as they call it.

They're the ones that call for the vote of the UN every year that chastises the United States for operating Puerto Rico as a colony in the face of, you know, anti-colonialism in our modern age.

Every year that vote goes through.

And I think like the only, I think only United States and Israel abstain from voting yes on that calling out of the United States for operating Puerto Rico as a colony.

It's just never really.

I think every once in a while

Spain will be pissed off at the United States

And they'll do it

Kind of like to send a message

Like fuck you United States

We're not all that

Anyway man you got me off track

What's going on man

We're talking island politics

And this is an American show

Shit they're really alienating people

Let's get on prank call machines man

Let's call an Indian restaurant

Another one in Australia

Which is provided by our good friend

Lonesome Loser

Thank you for being with us man

It's good to have you. I hope you're enjoying married life.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your wedding, man.

I was going to go to Lonesome Loser's wedding, and then I ended up in the hospital that weekend.

My wife and I had the plans and everything.

We were like, yeah, we're going to go.

My wife had the day off, and that day off, instead of us leaving for Lonesome Loser's wedding,

we ended up taking me to the hospital that day.

That sucked, man.

That's when I was there for Thanksgiving.

I was there for Thanksgiving. That's how long it took.

It took like a whole month.

It was a month later, and I was still in the hospital.

Well, we had fun in the hospital, right, Gus?

Remember all them pranks I did on morphine?

I had all my morphine pranks and Ambien pranks and pranks on the nurses.

Come on, Fun Ray, hello?

Is anyone there?

Hello, hello?

Oh.

Nookman, I had you on mute this whole time, Poppy.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

Did you hear that call?

Nookman?

Anyway.

Please note, calls to this organization are recorded and monitored for quality and training

purposes.

Hello, I am the gentleman.

I would like to make an order.

Under which name, sir?

Under gentleman.

Gentleman, gentleman, yeah.

Sir, may I have your name, please?

Yes, gentleman.

My name is gentleman.

So would you like to take the order?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Just one second.

Okay, honey, baby, pussy.

May I have your phone number, please?

Kutia.

Hello?

Pardon?

Kutia.

May I have your phone number?

482.

1-8-5

2-0-1-5

No, I'm just asking, what's your phone number?

I give you, 4-8-2

1-0-5

I receive your phone number

but that is not

a local number, that is

an overseas number.

No, I'm in a hotel.

I'm in the Kingswood Hilton.

Can you give me your mobile number?

Yeah, it's an American mobile number.

American.

You dial the country code?

Okay.

It's zero.

The country code is one.

I'm sorry, the one.

Because we're number one.

And then it's 218.

So would you like a delivery?

For a pickup?

For a pickup, yes.

Yeah.

So can you give me your number, please?

Phone number?

Oh, yeah.

I was trying to tell you.

3-1-2.

2-0-5.

Is that pulling teeth?

Yes.

2-0-1-5.

Yes, I said.

So that is 3-1-2-2-0-1-5?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

And your name, please?

Gentleman.

And the last name, sir?

Gentleman, my name is Gentleman.

I'm just asking first name and last name.

I'm telling you, my last name is Gentleman, my first name Mr.

Okay, and what would you like to order?

Okay, do you have tandoori chicken?

Yes.

Okay, can I have one tandoori chicken mild?

That is a quarter serve.

One tandoori chicken?

Yeah.

That's one.

Yeah.

One garlic naan.

Okay.

One pussy.

Pardon?

One pussy.

Sorry, I can't understand which item you say.

Pussy.

Do you have pussy?

One pussy?

No.

Shit.

Do you have sister?

Pardon?

Do you have sister?

Lovely sister?

Okay.

I got your number, so I just right now call to the police.

No.

Please, no.

No.

No, please.

I called your number.

No, please.

I'm sorry.

No, please.

I just gave you a number.

No, I'm sorry.

00-11-64-1197.

No.

I just called the police right now.

No, please.

I'm sorry.

No, please.

No.

I'm sorry.

No.

No, no.

They can...

No, just don't tell.

Don't tell.

I won't do it again.

I won't call back.

I'm sorry.

I don't call back.

Please.

I made a...

I just gave you this number.

Now it's the police.

No, I made a mistake.

mistake no no please no no i was going to thank you dude because i've been wanting to find out

what's going on with the puerto rican meltdown motherfuckers down there our government is like

half supported their asses all this time and finally the meltdown is occurring dude and i'm

like are we going to get statehood are we going to get an annexed into florida what's the fucking

game plan because there's a lot of boricua out there that don't know what the fuck's going on

it's not going to get annexed into florida milkman it'll become a state that's all it'll happen

it'll be it'll be like expansion of florida right no it'll become its own state it'll become the

51st state milkman all 51st state so it's a full-on state yeah of course it will become a

51st state it's like it's gonna be annexed by the florida nation

The motherfucker would annex them and then fucking drain them dry.

Dude, Puerto Rico from Florida is like a two-hour plane ride from Miami.

If you're at the closest.

The closest place is Florida, unless you count the Virgin Islands, right?

No, Milkman, no.

All right, well, okay.

I thought that's what maybe Bush was trying to do with annexing.

No, no, no, man.

That's not going to fly.

You're going to annex it.

You're silly.

Fucking annexation.

it'll become the 51st state and it probably won't happen dude but i'm just saying that might be

something that comes out of it as in the whole restructuring of it i think that i was that will

come up as they were talking that the financial people want to hold them to the debt and pry them

for it that's why i'm like you know like what the fuck they're gonna do you can get blood out of a

permit you don't got money you got money no no puerto ricos in a they're an okay situation

situation because they'll get the aid they need because there's the united states is fine it's

just like uh it's just like if it's just like if you know the state of alabama well it's just like

what happened with the city detroit just a little bigger a lot bigger because it's a it's the size

of a state but the city of detroit went to play yeah the city of detroit declared bankruptcy milk

man they went to default they declared bankruptcy the government took over they restructured it

and they took care of it.

The same thing's going to happen in Puerto Rico.

It hasn't been high on the priority list until now,

but now it's high on the priority list

because there's other shit happening.

Yeah, well, yeah, the meltdown is very close.

I think Puerto Rico's like, you know what?

This shit's been coming for like 40, 50 years

because of the fucked up system that they've left us with,

and they've been using us,

and then they left us high and dry.

You can't become a state.

You can't really become a country.

You can't become any fucking thing.

All it was was there was to make fun of Castro and show them, oh, we Americans can do something.

And really, it just fucked over Puerto Rico.

No, no.

You know why you can't?

No, listen.

You know why you can't say that?

Because Puerto Ricans got American statehood, which is something that every Cuban, every Mexican, every illegal who gets into the United States and puts their lives at risk and all that shit to get.

uh wishes that they were born with and a lot of hispanic cultures down there in that part of the

world are super envious and jealous and think puerto ricans are fucking soft ass pussy um uncle

toms because we're because we're just born american citizens and and and a cuban will have to you know

break his ass a haitian will have to break his ass and really be committed if he's gonna you know try

Try to become either an American citizen either, like, legitimately through an embassy, like, that's like winning the lottery, or going, you know, actually sneaking over and getting into the border and then getting your citizenship by, like, you know, marrying somebody or something.

You get it?

Milkman.

Puerto Ricans are always in a great position, and Puerto Ricans have that attitude now, I think, when I'm gathering.

Like, fuck it.

I mean, look, we can't do anything about it.

guys seriously united states come on man we can't do anything about it you guys gotta bail us out

um you know help us out man because you kind of left us alone for 20 years you took all the

military bases and you and you never decided what you wanted to do with us so we're kind of like

here and stuck in in in neutral for the last 10 15 20 years uh because the cold war ended so yeah

Yeah, man. That's what's up. That's what's up, man. That's what's up, okay?

I think that eventually Guantanamo Bay will have to become an issue

if we are to truly create ties with Cuba as things are going.

I think Guantanamo Bay is, of course, the elephant in the room

in any increased ties or warming of relations between Cuba and the United States politically.

And I think that in there, there's a chance for Puerto Rico to recover its role as a central military strategic location once a lot of the operations in Guantanamo Bay close up, if indeed we give control back to Guantanamo Bay to Cuba.

That's something the Cuban government is still very big on right now, including up to the most recent talks between our two countries.

It's just amazing that we can say that they actually have two embassies now can actually talk.

At least we're at that point, guys.

And at least soon Americans can start going there and showing how we spend that American dollar, man.

And that's when change really happens.

That's what happened in Russia.

That's what happened in the Eastern Bloc countries, you know, in East Europe.

That's what happened there.

That's what happened in China right before Tiananmen Square.

And that's eventually what will happen in Cuba.

you know it's just been in a it's been quarantined literally it's been quarantined just like the

quarantine during the uh during the uh cuban missile crisis it was quarantined and economically

quarantined and it's never been unquarantined really and then its biggest only supporter that

was getting stuff in there and helping them out so the union has been long gone all right

thank you milkman for completely driving the show off course thank you i just

the loss of roosevelt road was really like the final straw i mean yeah that happened that was

really it that was the nail in the coffin the nail in the coffin was vieques island was the

was fucking people from the united states like al sharpton and jesse jackson jr

and and hollywood actors going uh the vieques bombing range and camping out yeah because they

They wanted it closed.

Fuck.

Those fuckers.

You know your community is being taken advantage of

when something happens that's news-breaking in the town you live in,

and within a day or two you've...

Banco Popular.

Remember Banco Popular was originally Bank of America.

Yeah, but listen, Milkman, I'm talking about something else.

You know there's something, some shit going on

when something newsworthy happens in your city, in your town,

and Al Sharpton and

Louis Farrakhan and Jesse

Jackson Jr. are showing up, getting

involved and talking in your community

as during the aftermath of it.

They're carpetbaggers

for sure. Dude, that's where you need

to get autographs and shit, dude.

Phone numbers for the hotel.

We can call them up, interview them,

bring them on to Madhouse, introduce

them to the audience. Yeah, we'll do that.

Getting Jesse Jackson on here.

Jesse Jackson.

It's Jesse Jackson, Operation Push.

Operation Push the shit out of your ass.

I'm connecting some people, Milkman.

I'm not going to be on for much longer.

All right, buddy.

I'm going to be picking up on that.

I'm getting kind of tired.

Well, thanks for talking about it.

All right.

And thanks for telling me because I've been concerned.

Because, you know, I've got family in Puerto Rico, too.

And I know you've got land and you have other financial holdings down there.

And I thought it's, like, worthy of discussion, man, for everybody that doesn't know.

Yeah, I do have land there.

and I think about what I could do with it.

I don't know.

I'm thinking a resort,

kind of like the one that I stayed at once.

Well, I'd say make it a madhouse plantation.

Not a resort.

Yeah, not a resort.

Not a resort.

It's not a celebration down there.

Yeah, I'm just saying I could make it like a little,

I don't know, I could make something out of it.

I could make something.

That's my plan.

Yeah, we could make one side a grove, right?

We could grow our own Lamonte there,

you know, our own Chiva.

A cool one.

Make our own rum on the other side of the estate.

Plant a whole plantation of pineapple slips, dude.

You need to be a millionaire, man, the rest of your life.

Yeah, we'll make some rum pitot, as we used to call it.

Madhouse pineapples.

All right, settle down, milkman.

man. Who's here? Dwight McClanahan,

are you here? Yes.

Good, let's do something. You making a nice

fuck palace with the land? Yeah,

oh, fuck yeah, where you can go and fuck girls

like the dead's wife before they get married,

you know? That's where they're hanging out at.

Um, I got Indian restaurants in Australia,

man. I don't have much, and I'm losing gas.

Are you interested in that at all?

Sure. Okay, good, buddy.

Enigma, how you doing, man?

Hey, buddy.

Cooking rice, man. Oh, really?

Yep. Oh, you got the Ambien?

Please note, calls to this organization are recorded and monitored for quality and training purposes.

Whatever.

I've got to get that brown rice in a minute, that white rice.

I'm really cooking rice, though, by the way.

Cool.

Brown rice next time, all right?

Because it's better for you.

It has a higher glycemic index, but it takes longer to turn into shit than this.

It takes, it's harder, so it comes out more.

When I always get Chinese food, I always get the fried rice instead of the white.

It seems lighter to me for some reason.

like chicken fried rice yeah like my chinese food it just it doesn't seem as heavy on the stomach

right well because they make it real sticky that's the thing they make their steamed rice

very sticky puerto rican's do that please note we use a lot of this organization are recorded

and monitored for quality and training purposes i love rice though i'm gonna mute but let me know

if you hear it i'm in it yeah it's just i ate fried rice just like during the week like six

Six days out of seven, probably growing up.

And that's how ubiquitous it was.

Rice and beans and a meat.

Fridays, we always either had Subway or Little Caesars pizza, for the most part.

Or some other pizza delivery.

Fridays was our cool, you know.

I had that Little Caesars one time for the whole summer.

Never again.

It was still kind of cool back then.

We're talking 90s, but they were still on the rise.

I was always Pepsi back then, and then I switched to Coke, and then I dropped it, and I smoked that.

Coke's better.

I was always a Nintendo, never a Sega Genesis, always NES.

Please note, calls to this organization are recorded and monitored for quality and training purposes.

Their graphics were mostly, for the most part, inferior, and the sound was definitely inferior.

They're both good, but I like Sega a lot better.

I'm sure there were fun games, and I've heard of them, but nothing I thought was NES.

Yes, I thought, I thought Nintendo won the 16-bit war, clearly.

They fell behind at the beginning.

They fell behind for two years, then they were behind, but they caught up.

By the time Mortal Kombat 2 came out, and the 765, 95, they caught up.

I think that's the last console they took seriously.

The N64 was a bumblefuck from the beginning.

After that, it hasn't been good for the Wii.

What am I doing? Why are we holding so long?

You're going to play GameCube?

Yeah, I own the GameCube, you know?

I got it. All we did on it

was I bought all the

Mario Parties for it. We played that

a few times, me and my wife, and we'd

have guests over, like I said, doing board games.

Hey, we'll do Mario Party. And then I

had Smash Bros. for it. That's it. I didn't

buy anything else for the GameCube. I didn't find

any other use, nothing else.

None of the games compelled me. And I know there was

a decent Zelda game.

I still have the GameCube. I never ended up

selling it. I just brought it with me. I mean, I think

whether it was a decent Zelda game,

a decent couple of Metroid games.

There was a football game for that

that we used to fucking play all the time.

My friends always gave me the controller

and kickoffs because I would return

that motherfucker every time on the computer.

Oh, shit.

They're like, oh, give it to him.

I'd do like a fucking reverse

and just go up the sideline.

I'd be like, that's right, computer.

I actually never played the GameCube.

Eh, you didn't miss much, to be honest with you.

Smash Brothers was really fun on it.

That was the second Smash Brothers I played.

That was the first that got really good.

the first n64 one was fun i mean we played the shit out of that uh in my apartment in my college

apartment we had some fun four players smash brothers man and we used to do four player mario

kart n64 mario kart shit and then golden eye yeah golden eye and turok were my shit yeah

turok was a little buggy but and it had no multiplayer unfortunately that was a big loss

but yeah dude us we did uh those those three mario kart was the beginning because that came

Came out first, I remember.

Then we got into GoldenEye and Smash Bros. around the same time.

I remember.

Yeah, we had a lot of fun playing that.

And then Perfect Dark.

We played Perfect Dark for a while.

We didn't get as into it because, like, other systems were out.

But Perfect Dark was kind of fun, too.

It was kind of like a sequel.

Not really.

It was a successor, let's say, to GoldenEye.

Yeah.

All right.

Am I done?

Yes.

Good times, huh?

Good times.

Yeah, good times.

Here's the number that says, please contact me.

My first name is on the ID.

what what is this this is a lot hang on i was my wallet was lost like or someone lost a rebel flag

wallet uh rebel flag wallet um okay and the name is justin dwight are you still on yes for this

okay so justin lost a rebel flag and you know what how about i copy paste this shit

shit might be more appropriate did i add llama in here did he get in

did i not add him because he gave me numbers i hate to not add him to him he's helping us out

we're like oh the fucking llama you know yeah i do it all the time the fucking llama give us

number and we don't include them all right you get it read that shit milk milkman dwight read

that shit we'll call it it's uh madhouse radio yeah where do i do that yeah over here

what time i want to do bitch something i'll never tell me what to do call him back i said

this video prankers this week where like the guy goes up to people and say hey do you know how to

get to the starbucks from here yeah you go this way you go this way yo don't ever tell me what to

do oh i've seen that one i like watching you ever watched the twins tv uh prank calls or the video

pranks twins tv yeah they go around and do like it's basically like uh in life uh pranks like

like how to win a fight in the hood.

And they were walking up to these black dudes and wanting to fight them.

And they're like, come on, man, let's fucking go.

And the black guys are like, motherfucker.

And they fucking pulled on their pants.

They're wearing like a fucking thong.

It's like, come on, motherfucker.

And the fucking black dudes every time would just take off running.

That's the best way to get out of it.

Just pull your pants out.

Yeah, that's what they were fucking just chasing about.

Come on, motherfucker.

They would take off running every time.

and uh then there was one other one where uh they were walking past some black people and

the guy's just like what up my neighbor oh i've seen that yeah that was um that was roman

atwood he called him the n word i think that was roman atwood but yeah that's what he's like

what's up my neighbor like what every time like what my neighbor i just moved in the neighbor

yeah um and dave chappelle has when he had one joke he talked about you know being afraid to

fight white people because you get in a fight with one and like he just like he punches his

dick you know every day he was like like he was holding the microphone down by his neck and he

keep punching like yeah come on motherfuckers like you know black people like damn man all right

this motherfucker's crazy he's hitting his dick awesome i forget which stand-up it is it's the

dave chapelle stand-up where he has a muhammad ali t yellow muhammad ali t-shirt on it but i

don't remember which one it was i'm not sure it wasn't killing him softly or killing him softly

Hopefully it was a good one.

That was Chris Rock or was that him?

That was Dave Chappelle.

Yeah, yeah.

He was talking about the baby selling weed and shit on the corner out in the ghetto that he got taken to in the limo.

Yeah, selling weed, nigga.

Hey, baby, what are you doing out here?

He went to the club and the baby was crawling onto some woman's fucking hooch.

Oh, shit, the baby's out in the club.

All right.

Here's a number that says, hey, guys, if someone finds a black rebel flag wallet that has an ID,

it with the first name justin this is a different number it looks like for the same guy uh so we'll

try it thank you llama for this llama dicker lane all circuits are busy now oh i messed it up

fucking busy circuits here's circuits johnny five alive where's everyone no one wants to be on and

no one's scared chicken to come on tonight i had a lot of people i see a bunch hanging out

listening to the show

I'm gonna have to add

Major Chaos

hello

hey I'm looking for Justin

uh he's not here right now

oh I found this wallet

and it had uh

it said Justin on it

and I looked up

I did reverse

look up on the white pages

and they said that

I could find him

at this address

or this phone number

she hung up

I'm calling back

oh that bitch

she's not here

and hangs up

yeah

okay

hi

what's up

not much

chicken butt

hey guys

hello

Yeah, looking for Justin.

Dude, what's the attitude?

I found your wallet.

I'm calling you?

How'd I piss you off?

Talk shit.

I said I found your wallet, and she said you weren't there.

Listen, you redneck motherfucker.

Motherfucker, I don't have to take this from you.

Listen to me, motherfucker.

Drive your ass over here, bitch.

Because I'll show you what an ass dolphin is, bro.

Come on over here.

Okay, what are you going to beat your wife?

Because you're not going to kick my ass.

Oh, bullshit, homie.

Come on over here.

I'll show you what an ass beating is.

You'll swing at me.

You'll hurt my ankle, your ankle.

You'll be like, oh, I'm hurt.

And then I'll fuck your girl, and it'll be all over.

Okay.

Yeah, you'll fuck my girl.

Brother, look, I'm telling you.

Let me find out where your bitch ass is,

because I'll snap your fucking neck quicker than fuck.

You want to meet at the Walmart?

Without a second thought, huh?

No, I ain't gonna meet your ass at Walmart.

Step your foot on my fucking property, bitch.

See? See? Look at that. Skirt. You're skirt.

Don't be skirt.

If you're not such a mean...

I might be mistaken.

You keep calling me homie. Are you black?

You're a bitch, bro. You're nothing but a bitch.

If you want to stay here and keep

hassling my old lady and keep hassling me,

bro, you want to...

I've never talked to your old lady except for right now,

so you can shut the fuck up.

I ain't meeting you in a fucking public place.

bitch come on over here what's that do you claim listen to me you and your black gay fucking

faggot motherfucking queer fake ass sucking butt fucking queers want to sit here you want to hassle

my fucking wife and hassle my family bud come on over here i'll show you when that speed hits

really do you know where i live i do get your ass up here homeboy quit calling me homeboy and

homie and dog i don't do that bro shit then get your ass here then bitch where you want to meet

i mentioned for a fight homie come on yeah he's tired of beating your wife beating my wife bitch

i'll show you what beating my wife is i talked to her she said you beat the fuck out of her all the

time because guess what i'm gonna beat you like the wife and the little bitch that you are and

then i'm gonna marry your fucking ass after that i'm gonna get you a spoon so you could eat my

asshole yeah you're funny motherfucker i know that's why i do this come on over here i'm not

joking come over here because i want to all right boy you want me to bring the pizza you got the

beer we'll fucking do this make it an event yeah let's get it get your ass here bro you know where

i live come on yeah what trailer do you live in again your faggot ass motherfucker what trailer

are you in much of a little bit bro to show up to my front door show up to my front door homie and

and I'll show you what an ass thompson is.

Okay, what's the secret knock?

All you want to do is run your fucking mouth like a little bitch that you are.

Well, you said you want to marry me.

I want to ring first.

You're a real fucking man, homie.

You want to run your fucking mouth, back your word, homie,

because you ain't going to back your word.

You're nothing but a little bitch.

Are you a virgin?

Nothing but a little fucking bitch.

You know what?

You're a true definition of what bitches are, homie.

You want to stay here?

You want to say that I'm a wife-beater, bro?

You want to stay here and say I beat my wife?

Come on up here and I'll show you when I'm beating it, son.

I'm not joking.

I ain't no fucking joke, bro.

You want the definition?

Bitch is a female dog, wolf, fox, or otter.

Express displeasure, grumble.

They bitch about everything.

That's the true definition.

Well, get your ass up here, bud.

I'm not joking.

Up here.

I want to be at the Walmart.

I got to go shopping.

I don't have time to go by your place.

Because you're a queer, bro.

No, because I have a reputation.

I can't step foot in a trailer.

they'll think bad of me

I'm not a dog

wolf or fox

so that can't be true

why is your wife

itching for a dick

she's like

oh fuck

I need a big dick

why are you gonna cry

what's the matter

You're fucking hilarious, bud.

What's the matter with you?

I know what's the matter with me.

You're pissing me the fuck off.

But all I want to do is give you your wallet back.

This must be someone else's wallet.

Show up to my front door.

See, your definition of what we call bitches, bro.

You want to run your mouth.

Well, then you need to go back to school because you don't have the right definition.

You're wrong.

And that's what the truth is, bro.

No, no, my friend Enigma, he didn't talk to you.

You're a scared little nigga, bro.

You don't say that here.

I'm going to smack your fucking teeth at your mouth, bud.

I don't give a flying fuck.

Tell your fucking nigger friend to come here and fuck an ass up here, too.

That's not nice.

You're a racist, sir.

And I'm pretty sure that your wife has taken many black penises in her lifetime.

Yeah, we're going to run a train on her, too.

I'll show you what an ass-whooping is.

Come on up here, dude.

You keep saying that.

I don't want you to beat your wife.

That's domestic violence.

You go to jail for that.

You're nothing but a bitch, homie.

You're nothing but a bitch.

Your vocabulary is like the biggest fucking thing I've ever seen.

It's fucking expansive.

Look at the homie and bitch and wife.

That's about all you got.

I told you I'm going to be at the Walmart in 20 minutes.

I got some shopping to do.

You know where the Walmart is.

You fucking acting ignorant.

It's the one closest to you, dummy.

So you want me to waste my gas to get a change, bro?

Well, that's where I'm going.

I got to get some dog food.

I got to do some grocery shopping.

I'm glad.

I need to get some rubbers because I'm going to be fucking your girl, and I think she has AIDS.

You ain't nothing but a bitch.

Bitch.

Hey, we're going to run that train on her.

Bitch.

Dude, I'm going to fuck you just like I'm going to fuck your old lady, bro.

Well, that's funny because my old lady is your old lady.

And also, my baloney has a first name.

It's O-S-C-A-R.

Why do you keep saying that?

It's not nice.

I haven't said it to you.

Hello?

I think he's beating his wife.

I think so.

It's all quiet.

Who's this?

What?

Who's this?

Who am I talking to?

This is Larry.

Larry who?

Larry Cummings.

I'm buttered for it.

What?

I can't hear you.

You're cutting out.

Obama phone doesn't get good reception for you.

I say, we've got a problem.

Who is this now?

You've been calling my daughter a rashner.

I have not.

I've spoke to your daughter once.

I said, I'm looking for Justin, and she hung up.

So what's going on?

I'm trying to return a wallet to Justin, and he's being an asshole.

So can you drop it at the post office or something and be a man?

Well, I can.

I mean, I was trying to make contact to let him know that I found it, and he went off the deep end.

I mean, if he wants, I'll put it in a nice envelope.

I'll send it to the address, and we can be done with it.

I was just letting him know this is the first time I've called, and he's going crazy.

He thinks I'm somebody else.

Well, I just got off of work, and I came in, and everybody was hollering on the phone.

Yeah, I don't know.

Literally, your daughter picked up, and I said, yeah, I'm looking for Justin.

And she said, he's not here, and hung up.

And, you know, I thought it was weird, because I did a search.

And I was like, well, it says his place through his phone number.

So I called back, and he answered, and he started flying off the handle.

He kept calling me the N-word and wanting to fight.

I'm sorry about that.

I ain't nothing like that.

I just heard, well, you heard what I heard when I walked in.

Yeah, I don't know, anger management or something.

But I'll send it back to him.

I'll do a priority, like, one overnight, and he'll have it, like, the next day.

Probably on Tuesday, though, because I can't send it until on Monday.

How close are you?

I could just meet you somewhere, if it'll help.

Yeah, well, I was telling him I was going to the Walmart, and I said, you know,

I said, you want to meet me over there?

He wanted to fight, though.

I just wanted to return a wallet, and I said, you meet me over there?

I was like, I've got to get some dog food and stuff, and he was going crazy.

I don't think I can make it tonight, but can I meet you somewhere tomorrow or something afterwards?

Yeah.

Do you, like, want to meet over there?

I work over by there.

I work for Hunter & Associates.

It's a law firm.

And I'm right by the Walmart over by there.

And I could meet you on, like, my lunch hour.

I work at McConnell's until 6 o'clock, so it's kind of late to make it off.

But any time after that, I could.

Okay, no, that's fine, because I work until 7.

mondays uh so i could probably meet you over about that time all right they got your number

on caller id or uh yeah they should i mean i was he kept yelling come to my address and stuff like

that i mean um but yeah the number on the caller id is a good number to make contact with okay well

i didn't i didn't see none of that i just picked up the phone when yeah i was kind of surprised he

was sitting there just yelling up a storm i mean just because you know i've been taking your

Your daughter's six inches deep for a while.

I don't know why he's upset.

Well, I appreciate you finding the wallet anyway, even though it's not my issue.

Oh, no problem.

No problem.

Just let your daughter know that I'll be over later so we can have the sex.

Let's not go there.

What, you want to watch?

What's that?

You want to watch?

I have to walk back up here towards the garden.

My phone's breaking up.

Okay.

Can you repeat that again?

I couldn't hardly hear you too good.

Yeah, no, I said I got to get a new watch.

But you should tell that guy.

You should tell him that he shouldn't fly off the handle like that.

Well, you know how family is.

You can't.

I know.

He's upset because I told him that I was fucking your daughter and stuff, and he's upset.

But I told him I used a rubber, so it's not like diseases or anything.

Well, let's not talk about that if you don't mind.

You want to watch?

Yeah, you're going to have a problem with me if you keep running your mouth.

I'm not running my mouth.

I'm stating facts.

I'm like, you know, I got recorded.

I'm like, oh, yeah, oh, oh.

Oh, she's like, oh, she's on like Banshee.

I think she's pregnant, too.

No.

I found the wallet.

I paid some guy.

A gay black man found it.

He didn't want it because it had rebel flag on it.

Said he found it at the glory hole.

You call one more time.

We're going to press charges on this number.

What'd the number do to you?

You understood?

Yeah, but what'd the number do to you?

You going to put the number in jail?

It's your mouth.

You going to call the phone police?

You're a big, big man, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

You're in all the right places.

Yeah, it sure sounds like it.

You're the man.

I am the man.

Thank you.

Yeah.

We'll meet tomorrow at 7 o'clock at the Walmart, and I'll give you a wallet.

I couldn't meet you now, so I couldn't meet.

But you said you couldn't meet tonight.

You couldn't make it tonight.

You had no gas.

You were low on gas, and you don't get food stamps and public assistance until tomorrow.

Yeah.

I'm sure that's what you're on for, free financing, waste taxpayers' dollars.

Mm-hmm.

And lots of kids.

I pop out lots of kids, and I get more money each time.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure you don't do that.

sir. I can tell that by your voice.

There ain't no man in you. Well, there's about to

be a man in your daughter.

His name is Larry. Obviously.

His name's Larry Cummings.

You don't want to know how I got that name.

Yeah, I'm sure. It's from Larry.

That don't make any sense.

My name is Larry. How's it feel to know you're

going to be a grandpa? Sure, the man.

Thank you. I don't think there's anything else

to talk about. Yeah, pretty much.

Everything's been said.

But I'm going to let you go.

You can write my name down if you want.

I'm Larry the Labia Killer.

I murder pussy for a living.

Are you still there, sir?

Yep, just waiting on you.

Oh, don't...

Welcome to the messaging service.

Your calling is not available.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, now they're both gone.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

That was weird.

That was fun, but weird.

I don't know why he started yelling

unless Llama had been calling him or something.

I think so, because Llama passed it on to me.

I think he might have.

So we know this guy just shows up here, too.

Welcome to Boy Snare.

How can you look...

I gotta call Milkman back.

Whoops.

Broke the arrangement.

I'm just calling Mohameds also, okay?

Mohameds?

Cool with that?

Mohamed?

Mohamed.

Hey, Milkman.

Milkman Mohamed.

The jazz...

Jazz butt.

In England.

Nice.

J-A-S butt.

Ticket for ever.

Fuck that.

Here's the next Mohamed.

Not found.

What do you mean?

Oh, yeah, I know why.

All circuits are busy now.

Please try your call again later.

Hey, how do you keep dialing?

Oh, is anyone there?

Hello?

Milkman, try him again.

Oh, my bad.

I thought you were talking to me.

No, no.

I was, uh...

No, were you still?

Yeah, it's busy.

They picked up the phone and left it off the hook, guys.

It's okay.

It's not anyone's fault.

It's nobody's fault.

I keep craving mashed potatoes with, like, caramelized onions in the middle of them.

with a lot of butter i

can make them i've got

all the stuff to make them i've got milk potatoes i have onions i have caramel caramel

caramel caramel gravy too buddy yeah man i remember in school i hated lunch food but they

had the best fucking mashed potatoes oh yeah school mashed potatoes were good would you like

school tater tots ever i was into those too yeah those are pretty legit they're pizza was too for

uh in like elementary and then like towards middle school it's kind of shit yeah our pizza

It just became cheese bread.

I thought the gravy was that, man.

Oh, yeah, like legit pizza.

Yeah.

We actually had a Papa John's pizza was selling at our place, in our school.

We had a new high school.

My freshman year, no, it was in the old school, but when the new school opened,

they had a Taco Bell inside.

Taco Bell slash Pizza Hut was running inside.

It was kind of cool.

And then they were going to bring in Burger King,

but the negotiation broke down at the last minute,

and Burger King pulled out.

Burger King is a bomb.

It was going to be Chick-fil-A for a while

and then Checkers.

Did they remove all that shit from schools at all?

I think they don't have any more, yeah.

Yeah, they definitely removed soda.

Check this story out, Carlito.

I know you probably don't know who this guy is,

but he's one of the WWE wrestlers,

Titus O'Neil.

It says one day, I think it was

Friday or something, he took a couple

homeless guys out

to lunch.

or dinner or something and uh yeah it's i would describe the place it's almost like a fucking

applebee's really okay uh from the picture i see and i guess the manager was like real distant and

like didn't want to give him very good service so he turned around uh like the next fucking night

and he brought a much bigger group of homeless people with him of like of like 15 like 15 of

them uh and i guess they were like a lot better serving them yeah and stuff but like he's like

you guys want to be assholes they're humans too motherfucker so he brought in even more

as long as i mean you got a shower at first right games and good clothes and then

it don't look like he did oh so that's not cool because they smell like pp it's not their fault

with the shower but they smell like piss yes but there's there's an awesome guy that like he looks

looks like he's in a wheelchair and stuff

or like he's got a blue mohawk and stuff.

He's sitting at the end

of the table like, that dude rules.

Jazz Butt.

J-A-S Butt. Anybody.

Anybody want to talk to Butt? Gilmore, you want to

talk to Butt? I got a guy

last name Butt in England.

Are they related to Harry Butt?

Any relation? Might be.

First name is Jazz. You saw that show

with Jared too? What happened with him

lately? And rest in peace, Roddy Roddy.

They're subpoenaing his text messages

and it looks like text messages

suggest that he had sex with a

16 year old girl

like when he was doing like his

subway shit and going to middle schools and stuff

telling people to eat right

like he was making comments like middle girl

school or middle school girls are

hot and shit like that

hello hello hello Mr.

Butt oh hey there you are

go ahead Gilmore I'm sorry

hello Mr. Butt yes

hello my name is Gilmore I'm with the

Royal Wheelie Bend Service

service are you in your home right now there seems to be a animal and he is inside your

wheelie bin i want to ask you to go outside and make sure the animal gets out safely it seems to

be an antelope and escape from the local zoo and we need you to go get it out because i'm definitely

not the man for the job i'm just sitting here watching it freak out and it's kind of just stuck

in there oh i'm sorry bud i'm calling back bud don't worry oh mr butt he slammed the phone

more like mr asshole yeah i think you should call it mr noonoo not mr butt mr noonoo

so gilmore congratulations on your new movie oh thank you

oh there i was looking at trailers on imdb and there was one about being a child soldier

oh i was like oh it's good it's gilmore all right go mumbo in africa hey we got alcohol

massage service in hong kong anyone want to get a nice handy yeah foot job gilmore you want to

try again since the last one was kind of a burst yeah body massage just love massage jared fogel

puts new meaning to the word eating fresh jared eats fresh he sure does wash off the umbilical

record like massage next one we got a room three flat a4f okay fuk kyu mansion at cameron road in

hong kong excellent yeah i can work with that sorry guys i'm just trying to get reorganized

here i had it in front of me and i lost it never mind that because i can't find it now here's a

different alcohol massage service in hong kong thank you i'm very very bored with my show i

don't say that not to this your guys fault tonight i'm busy here's another one who will do

aromatherapy. Zoolander.

Third one? Yeah. Second one's been

that's been filmed. Comes out

this summer, doesn't it? Yeah, I was just looking through

the Yahoo stories and I was like, huh, one.

They must be trying to start a dramatic press for it.

It must be in the next week or two.

Yeah, they're putting the teaser trailer out.

Maybe it's not coming out that early if it's a teaser

then. But I've heard.

That Jurassic World movie was pretty good.

Hello, good afternoon. Hi, you do

alcohol massage? Hello.

Hi, do you do alcohol massage, correct?

correct? Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna

put you through with Gilmore. He just turned 18

and he's super excited. Yay.

Hey, I'm real interested in

some therapeutic, um,

activities. Hello? What the fuck?

Oh, man, we struck out.

We struck out with those, uh, these

that one was in Macau, actually.

Macaw. Macaw.

Macaw. I believe that's becoming a very

big, uh, like, it's becoming the Las Vegas

of the Orient.

Oh.

But, like, with the splash of Dubai in there.

like make it big um okay i think i'm gonna wrap it up guys snuff i'm tired i'm tired yeah that's

how you be uh you be safe and protected and no stds and no babies you wrap it up i'm gonna wrap

it up twice put two condoms on you know where that bitch has been um i want to thank everyone

for joining gilmore i'm glad you got a prank calling green bee i didn't even hear you man

sorry it's all right buddies good having you we'll get together on gta5 or whatever the next game is

we'll do something soon you have to maybe just me and you will play green bee i don't know we'll

get general awesome now he loves playing too i was telling him i was telling him we should

i'm starting to spread the word we should get together if you you know gta5 you know one last

time for a few hours or something he's like yeah all right green bee then i guess real more thanks

Thanks again.

I saw you did a recent show, right?

Yeah.

Excellent.

It was okay.

Good, good.

Gilmore, keep going.

God, I should fucking know better than to click on any George links.

I'm going to move you out of other shows, then.

If you think you're going to be every once in a while doing a show, you think,

I'll move you on the website from the other show section back to the show section.

Yay.

I wanted to mention, I think these are set up,

but you can now go to prankcallnation.com slash Dwight, for example.

example to get to dwight's page restructure page with all the links you need to get dwight's

podcast dwight um we got to talk but i wanted to get you on itunes if you're okay with it so

people can listen to just dwight on itunes you know um help you grow a little uh a little faster

uh your your following i would love for us to all have even like our own little followings

and it all together that's how we're gonna work some people like dwight show more than this person

anyway so yeah um i i know that uh you can go to prank call nation.com slash well like for matt

you can go to slash party time and you'll get to the party time show slash drunk dial gets you to

llama's page uh slash ptnh for phone thugs in harmony will get you to mistress morgan's page

and everyone's youtube so like dwight on your page your youtube on its own is there for everyone

want to see all your your youtube links how to subscribe to you how to get you all your facebook

everything's all there for everybody so boys that's the way we worked it out i'm just trying

to say hey everyone just a few little changes trying to give the show pages a little more

structure so check those out okay and welcome to macron he didn't join us tonight but macron

welcome to the network our latest um our latest talent our latest prank caller i think we're

going to have to we're going to do a meeting we got a lot of new people right and a lot of things

that have uh changed and gone on so we really need to get a meeting going on maybe this saturday

coming up or something i almost read the word okay okay i'll stop taking your time milkman is

going to take us out of here goodbye skypers by dwight enigma also sexual healing milkman are

you here milkman get off mute milkman and i can shoot the shit for some five minutes sure no

No problem.

I don't know what to shoot the shit about, but we can try to find something.

Yeah, so I did say Macron.

I think Macron's going to be taking the Monday night slot.

He's interested in that, which would give us a show every day of the week.

You got Macron on Mondays, Dwight on Tuesdays, Wednesdays are Neon,

Thursdays we have JagTV and Sloth when he decides to come back.

i got a confirmation sloth that's coming back this week thursday he's finally coming back everyone so

big round of applause for big sloth welcome back welcome back from vacation we got all the numbers

you need we're gonna help you out get back into the groove like you were never gone uh g ad on

fridays dwight on saturdays and then i'm back here again on sunday milkman how are we doing

still need some more time some more bullshit i got tons of stuff i can talk about um you can

And donate your account at prankcallnation.com, by the way.

If you go to PrankPCN's website, on the right-hand side, down the page, you see Donate Your Account.

I've never really talked about that.

But I will only send out one PCN tweet or one message a day, maximum.

To be honest with you, we haven't even sent any messages out yet.

it. But when we're having a big show, this gives us the ability to send a message that you will

reply or share. Like if you're on Facebook, you will share it for us automatically. If you're on

Twitter, you will retweet it for us and share it automatically. We'll never do more than one a day

and we'll never do. We'll probably, if I ever start really using it, it'll be like if there's

a really big show going on or something really major happens, like an announcement we want

everyone to know we do that to get a lot of people up on it you know that may be then like

i could see like when when the thanksgiving marathon this year uh kicks off um we'll probably

big probably use it to really get everyone listening anyway so you can donate your account

you don't we don't get any information off of it we don't get any money you don't sell your

information it's simply you can when you get to the page it explains it all it's it's used by many

any different podcasts out there

and comedians and hosts and stuff like that.

Just a way of helping us out.

Yeah, we could use that.

Thank you.

And of course, Patreon.

Patreon.com slash Prank Call Nation

where you can make us support to support the nation

and our increased efforts to continue the quality

of our website, show, and services to you.

So yes, I've made some changes to the website this week.

If you have any feedback,

if you think anything could be removed that's confusing,

using or anything added upon or anything that's missing let me know just drop me a what's up

on facebook chat you can hit me up in our irc chat room um there's there's many ways to get

a hold of me or if you can get a hold of one of the staff members you know who they are

you can do it that way milkman are you back yet i'm tired of talking milkman please stop

mate let me stop please oh you're still on mute sir stop please playing myself on mixer i could

play a prank call wait for you to come back i guess let's see what i got see if i have anything

that's good i could do a prank call yeah i could do a prank call mr easel mr easel says i could do

a prank call okay all right let's try to call the last number we call the massage parlor massage

massage girl who picked up and like kind of hung up real quick are you back yet milkman are you

done hurry up just kick them out of the car tell them that they're far enough tell them you gotta

take a shit and it's the end of your shift you gotta go and drop them off right now we'll do a

big fart we'll do a big fart and pull out your dick say oh i can't stop masturbating get out

here i'll stop real quick

shut up speaking all right that didn't work here's a place called monkey mania in australia

monkey mania nook man forcing me to do prank calls and shit when i don't want to oh the message

bank of 029 uh here is a monkey puzzle toy store someone was looking at monkeys huh

silly lonesome loser i see what you're doing look man are you back yet come on man yeah i'll do this

call into by room all right milkman take us out of here man i want to go i want to go yeah i'll

go back to all that what are you still wrapping up oh shit he's still wrapping it up all right

here's a pandarma port hotel in turkey why not nice talking with you guys have a nice evening

cheers bye-bye got everything right good night you got your pussies your nice little pussies

All right, now we're done.

Now I'm doing the call.

All right.

Now we're calling Turkey.

Okay.

Hey, stupid woman.

Calling the hotel, right?

Yeah, I don't like to talk to the stupid woman.

Why does she pick up the phone?

Can you speak slow, please?

I don't like to talk to stupid woman on phone.

Okay.

I don't like stupid woman talking on phone business to man, you know?

Yeah, true, yes.

It's for man and man only speaking, right?

Gandu man.

Okay.

Listen, I would like to get a...

When I get a room there, can I kiss the man in the bed?

Single room?

Yeah, but I want to kiss.

I want kissing one man.

Kissing and loving one man and another man.

I want one room.

Okay.

One bed.

Okay, one bed.

Two men.

Okay.

For sex.

Sexy sex.

Yes, yes, yes.

Do you know what is sex?

No problem.

Do you know what is sex? Tell me.

Yes.

What is sex?

The man makes sex.

Tell me how the man makes sex, you know, the man kisses the man.

One man, two men, okay?

For homosexual, homosexual, you know?

Yes, yes, yes.

And it's not a problem?

No problem for us.

You don't tell anybody?

Okay, hey, can you bring your mother, your mother Sharmuta up here?

Okay, no problem for us.

Can you bring your mother, Sharmuta, also?

When is your date for come to hotel?

Thursday.

Thursday, Thursday, no?

And Sharmuta, Sharmuta.

Yeah, tomorrow, tomorrow morning.

Olmec, Sharmuta?

No.

Yes.

Tomorrow you check in and another date check out.

Olmec, Sharmuta, Olmec, Sharmuta.

Sharmuta, yeah.

What is Sharmuta?

Sharmuta is a whore, a prostitute.

And then Olmec is your mother, you know?

I didn't understand Sharmuta.

Your mother is a prostitute, I say.

Do you know what that means?

I didn't understand.

Do you have a lovely mother?

Hello?

Funny for TickTick.

You have a lovely mother?

Yes.

Okay.

Your mother is a prostitute.

You know what prostitute is?

No, not Mary.

Your mother.

Prostitute your mother.

How many fathers do you have?

Like five?

Five fathers do you have?

Five fathers?

I didn't understand.

When did you come to hotel?

We can do reservation for you.

And I kiss you.

Okay?

I make love to you.

I kissing you.

I put you in the bed with me.

I touch you.

Okay?

You kiss your chocha.

I touch you.

And your private parts.

your sexual organs okay i didn't thank you i like your sexual organs sexual masturbate massage

sexual organs okay okay all right bye i'm tired i'm going to sleep okay fucker

bye milkman take us out of here milkman take us out of here yeah milkman oh my goodness what a

that's easy yeah that's some funny shit boy yes hermano you packed me up man you went

puerto rican on my ass tonight man i didn't expect that that was very very very you have

another action packed installment of the madhouse everybody that's right we love you all all our

friends over there in the madhouse 8.6 the mouse and i want to everybody hold the fish high for

For the numbers hit, man.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome back, brother.

Thank you so much.

And thank you, everybody, for stopping in.

That's right.

The most interactive show on the internet.

Every week we do this for you.

We drop the dime.

We ask.

Give us a time.

Bring a friend.

Or better yet, you can bring your enemy.

So they're going to be welcome.

Right in the madhouse with that.

Generalissimo of the madhouse.

How can we do it without you, my brother?

We're saving lives.

One call at a time.

You couldn't do it without me.

You can't.

You can't do shit without me.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

And I'm available through the weekdays now for the next two weeks.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I didn't get a chance to tell you that on our conference call that we didn't have last week,

that all this previous week I've been available, too.

Oh, fuck, shit.

Let's do a daytime show.

Yeah, that's right.

Let's do a daytime show.

I can come and fuck up the shows during the day.

We'll do a daytime show.

Yay, buddy.

Yay.

Yeah, bitch.

So let me know, dude,

because I'm down, man.

I'm available.

All right, well, I'm going to go.

I will talk to you soon.

This show's over, okay?

All right, Master Break.

Master Break.

Horse, if you're serious.

All right, Horse.

Shut up.

See you guys next week.

Thank you.

Next week, I'll be here.

We love you.

Calls (42, 1 h 51 min of 3 h 26 min)

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