I’m Trying to Give You an Answer

You have no fucking idea who the fuck I am, and you have no idea what the fuck I'll do to you.

Who are you, miss?

I will rip your fucking body in half, bitch.

I'm not playing no fucking games, bitch.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid comments.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey everybody, it's Carlito, your host for tonight's Madhouse Radio Show.

This is a prank call show hosted by myself, Carlito.

I'm here with my co-host, as always, Milkman.

I'm a motherfucking man.

Motherfucking man? Yeah.

Yeah, Pasquale. I'm the original Pasquale.

You are the Pasquale Senior, my brother.

What's going on tonight, my dear friend?

Your melodious tone, so good to hear you, brother.

Yes, indeed.

Well, yeah, tonight, like I said, is Madhouse Radio Show.

I'm Carlito, the host.

Bill Benz here with me.

We'll do some prank calls.

We'll have some fun.

You can send in your prank call requests over to me in the IRC chat room.

Get there by heading over to prankcallnation.com slash chat.

printcallnation.com slash chat has all the information

now I understand

IRC there's been some changes to it

due to some issues

just we're securing some hold machines

and things have been getting

a little, we're going through

a little bit of a teething process right now

but Enigma is

giving good, the chat mods

Enigma and MSC3 Clay have good help

helping you out if you're having

trouble logging in

what exactly is the IRC

See, I haven't logged in or anything for a while because of my situation.

What's happened?

Well, just recently, a lot of people keep saying that they're not able to join the chat room

when they're logging in and identifying.

Because I think some updates got made to the way the security works on the site.

It's set up more like it should be.

But people need to make sure.

If you're listening and you're having trouble logging into the chat with your registered nickname that you normally use,

make sure that you are always identifying, you're putting in your password, et cetera, before you join the chat room.

Because if you join the chat room and then rely on the – there used to be a little bit of a time buffer between when you joined the chat room

for you to set your nickname or you would get kicked out.

You know, you had to you had I think it was 30 seconds to send your password, you know, put your password in and you and you would be allowed to stay in the room.

But I think that it's been that that that amount of time has been reduced because it was being it was just not a good security, you know, idea idea security wise to have that.

So we updated it for whatever internal reasons.

We don't have to tell you why.

Listener, we just did.

all right though we felt it necessary to do so right milkman that's all we got to say

well there's a security issue had to be rectified and enigma has got it in in hand so folks got to

bear with us and try and comply the policy that's the best we got man we can't have a big hole in

the chat and have it ruined everybody wants to enjoy it so listen get into the help but the

slash help there and talk to enigma and them talk to them and get it straightened out i want

want everybody to get in the chat i think they're just don't just for our best benefit so everybody

try and get in there again yeah don't give up fuck yeah man fuck yeah 98.6 listen what basically

everyone needs to make sure that you need to make sure that you're sending your password

you're typing in your password before you join the chat room and i believe if you join on on using

kiwi art kiwi irc i thought that's that's what i was doing before it may need to be updated i

I don't know.

But just make sure you're doing that, all right?

Or don't join with your browser if you want to be able to chat.

Like, you can go in there.

You should, I mean, you should be able to.

I wish we could get this thing working really good, you know?

Bri, my friend Bri, has been trying to get in there forever, dude.

I don't know what the hell.

Do you know anything about Chromebooks?

Do you know what applet works for Chromebooks?

Do you know?

I mean, I think Chromebooks, they run Chrome apps, you know?

That's what I'm saying.

Maybe we can do this.

Enigma, if he would send a message to you, I have no way to get to him.

If he'd send it to you, what would be the best tablet to run from a Chromebook?

Because not only the price, several of my other friends are using Chromebooks and get one for the cost.

And I'd like to know the recommended IRC client.

Somebody could research that and let us know, man.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

The biggest one is iPhone, and we have on the site.

All right, if you go now, for example, the recommendation is if you're using a Windows PC,

download and install HexChat.

It doesn't work with Chromebook, right?

We're not talking about Chromebook now, right?

I don't think it's a Chromebook app, no.

Okay, we're not talking about Chromebook, okay.

Yeah, but there's, you know, pictures and a whole, you know, there's a tutorial.

It's not a whole tutorial.

There's just pictures, and it tells you how to do it real easy.

There's a tutorial.

tutorial and i i created one for android i i picked uh i believe it's and chad is the app

uh that's the one i use and i recommend that's what i got too i bought that a long time ago

well you can get it for free you can i have instructions how to use it with the free version

um i have screenshots and everything set up there i pass them on anyway he posted them

but yeah we do have to get the ios one now here's the problem uh my ipad is i stepped on it and

That's the only iOS I'm always – my phone is always Android, and my tablets are always iOS, of course.

That's how I roll.

So I do have an old iPad 3 here, so I think I can use that to take screenshots, and I'll create a tutorial for the –

If you're in the chat room now and you're on an iPhone,

if you can kindly post what app you downloaded free or purchased

and how much it was on the iTunes app store in order to chat and IRC,

then that's the one I'll make sure that we have a guide for.

Hey, someone else over there, tell them the Chromebook.

Tell them to post something.

Yeah, I don't know.

We've got a very knowledgeable audience.

Does anyone know?

Do Chromebooks run Android apps, is my question, or do they just run Chrome?

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

What I was told was that they had some kind of port, and I don't know how that works.

Yeah, well, here's the problem that Google's run into.

Now they have two complete different ecosystems.

They've got Android, the Android OS ecosystem, which is taken off,

but they're trying to get their Chromebooks OS, their Chrome OS is what it's called,

uh taken off but it's you know what i mean like it's fractured so here we are

really just browser kind of base it is it's like it's like it's not like nearly as

from what i get not nearly as detailed you know where you can do more specifications

an android app would no it's it's more no it's it's google chrome and chrome apps is what it is

whatever apps you can run in chrome there's their apps people like extensions for firefox

It's like you cannot put in Skype yet.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

So that's why I'm wanting to know at least what the IRC part is, because I know more than me.

Not only me, I want to know for myself.

There are other people I have, my friends, that don't have no way to load in and get in IRC.

They don't know what to catch.

So I was asking if any of the knowledge base of our listeners out there knew.

Yeah.

Please, yeah.

Clay is saying for iPhone call.

I don't know.

I've never known how to pronounce this app.

It's Colloquy, C-O-L-L-O-Q-U-Y, and it's free.

And that's what I was using.

That's what I use on my iOS devices, on my iPads.

But I don't know if that was, you know, it seems to work for me.

The pain in the ass is with it.

You can't multitask on a non-geo-broken iPad.

So if you want to keep yourself idle in the chat room, you know,

just to watch it while you go do other stuff um after 15 minutes you get you get timed out and

it's not because of the app it's because of it's an ios thing because apple doesn't want

their their way they've written ios is that an application can't run in the back or they're not

really good on multitask they're starting to get they're starting to embrace it more but that was

one of the big steve jobs things those really ignorant things he used to say like when he came

He came out and he said that no one would ever want to watch video on an iPod screen.

And then a year later, there was the iPod video, stuff like that.

And he also said, yo, you would never want a touchscreen, you know, or whatever he said.

He said no one would ever want to have a tablet and then, you know, there's no need for it when you have the phone.

And then the iPad came out eventually.

That was one of the things.

The multitasking with him is really big, and I think it's because to save performance and battery life,

the iOS is tuned not to allow a lot of multitasking stuff in the background,

and maintaining an IRC connection is one of those.

Now, from what I understand, if you're on a jailbroken iOS device, you could get around that pretty easily.

But, yeah, if you're wanting to chat on an iPhone or an iPad or an iPod Touch, you can use that app,

and I'll be sure that we get screenshots and such to show you how to do that.

It's just like three or four steps.

It's just people, if you see it for the first time, you get confused.

But it is a way better experience if you want to be in a chat room

to use an application, not use our web browser.

The web browser, it fucks up all the time because of security standards.

Too many resources get wasted in a browser.

You're better with a single standalone client.

I always went with that.

Yeah, but listen, yeah, I'll see if we can find out something for Chromebooks.

That's a good question, Milkman, and we should find a solution for that.

We need to find an IRC client solution for Chromebook users, and then we need – I don't have access.

I would have to somehow get someone who has a Chromebook to take screenshots of the process of setting it up so we could have a guide for future purposes.

You know, I guess Chromebooks, yeah, sure, you could do that, but we definitely need the iOS one first.

So I need to work on that first, Milkman, and then I will get a promise.

All right, brother.

That's great, man.

Let's do it, man.

That's why we've got this knowledge base of great listeners out there,

and there's nothing wrong with calling them, man,

because they always come up with good answers.

Yes.

That's why I love my man Al.

Good answers.

Very good.

Listen, we haven't done a prank call yet,

and we are 23 minutes into production so far.

We just got through the tech part of the show already.

I'm moving right along, baby.

That was more like show news because that's been one of the big topics.

It's a hot topic in the PCN chat room.

I'm glad that the IRC is getting worked out, then.

I'm glad to hear it, man, because you know how I feel about IRC.

You know how I feel about your mom.

Listen, we've got to do a program.

I know, man.

Don't tell her anymore, man.

I'm getting enough flex from her now.

I had a dream about Milkman's mom.

Oh, shit.

I still want to hear about the dream you had about Lily.

I didn't have shit about Lily.

I don't know Lily.

I've never...

I want to hear about your sexy dream about Lily.

I had a Lily here in my apartment.

I have a lily here.

We have a peace lily plant, and I jerked off on it.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has...

This is a person.

I'm going to try calling him again.

They're looking for odd jobs and yards to mow.

Mow, mow.

Me, me, mow, mow, me, me, me.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box.

All right.

Well, if they got scissors, they could loan you.

Yeah.

You got to charge more for...

That's what you got to work.

we got a black corgi dachshund mix with a few white patches she ran away escaped from the

safety of the backyard of her loving home due to thunderstorm it says here uh oh man i'm not

gonna mess with them too much i'm just gonna say i hope they find a dog you know i'm just gonna say

wow man i saw that story thank you hermano don't be mean to him no no i'm not gonna make them

thank you oh she sent my caller id right let me change my caller id we'll let this ring out and

and I'll change my caller ID.

We've got numbers from Parkman also.

Longing to 4-2-3.

Let me adjust this caller ID to something local to these rednecks before I continue.

Having a slow night there, Milkman?

What's going on?

Why is it so quiet?

Oh, I put mute on because my vehicle noise is like interrupts the call.

No, good, good, good.

I didn't want to downgrade the call, but quality of the call.

You're supposed to do that, Milkman.

You're supposed to do that.

Once he goes through it, I'll meet her back.

Calling back the lost dog.

What I'm going to do is do the complete opposite on this one, man.

What?

We pray with them and hope that they find the dog.

Well, they're not picking up.

They must not care about the dog.

I mean, like, if they're, like, fucking around with him, like, you know, get together with him, like, let's pray.

We pray together that you find your lost dog.

Listen, these damn people, Milkman, they're not answering.

They've lost the dog.

They're not answering the phone, and the voicemail box is full.

how they expect to find a dog if they don't answer the phone these people are silly somebody's done

i figured done filled their box up and they're not answering no more they've done enough joke

call on this my feeling it's a bunch of horseshits or because i kind of feel like a lot of these

animal calls are up for grabs these days man it just hadn't been because i know what they feel

like that you know man it's not gonna be for me yeah milkman i wish you were anyway but what can

i do about my wish it's all right buddy i hear you big guy big hoss big hello hey hey there hoss

you got a 2000 nissan quest van for sale yep oh nice 3 000 i'm not looking to bargain you know

3 000 i'm not gonna i'm not one of them assholes to come and say i want to pay fucking you know

know 2000 and shit for it you know i'm not like that fair shakes fair shake if i go there and i

see the car car machine and it's as good uh fuck yeah three thousand dollars you know yeah yeah

and you're here in rogersville too i'm new here i live you know where horse machine ranch is

it's a new development out here i just moved here and i need a local car a local car you know

like something to just go down to the walmart's and stuff and come back i came out here i retired

tired i sold my land for some fracking i did some fracking sales i live i came from ohio you know

okay you know that gas fracking yeah yeah they uh bought my land they gave me 1.8 million after

taxes after taxes so i came out here i got myself a brand new 20 acre ranch out here we got horse

machines and everything on horse machine ranch road oh it's beautiful out here beautiful i need

a car machine you got that nissan quest van i figure i need something you know so i can haul

awesome shit i need to get a lot of shit hauled but i don't want to get a truck because i need

it covered in the back you know yeah so what can you tell me about the van it's a pretty good van

it's uh got 230 000 on it yeah all right that's fair oh two how many years is that motherfucker

13 fucking year that's not bad fuck yeah what color is that motherfucker gray gray motherfucker

like dark fucking gray or what it's charcoal gray like a charcoal fucking gray what about the

fucking interior what's that like like a brown or blue oh it's gray interior gray interior too

son of a bitch that sounds good it smells good in there i guess does it have the option to set

up the back like a bed the back seat out of it and put whatever you want in it you can like lay

down a mattress there ain't no mattress in it i mean it's but you could put like you could sleep

in the back if you had to right you could put down like a bed yeah because some of them vans they

just fold down in the back you know you got a bed back there but not like that but you could

still lay down and all that back there yeah oh and that you ever you ever fuck your wife back there

why do you want to call and talk to me like this because i want to know because if i can fuck my

wife i can fuck my horse back there you know i got a pony i asked him how many horses we could

horse machine we could say in the back of that car yeah how many horse machines we can put in

that back of that sucker motherfucker well it's just according to how many horse machines you

want to put in it oh shit milkman you gotta tell us how many will fit yeah sell this piece

they're little ponies for fucking they're fucking ponies we're selling to people like to fuck them

they're perfect size for fucking you know if you want to look at the van you come and look at it

if you want to buy it buy it all right all right that's good because we need it nice so we can take

out the seats at the back because we got to put we want to put like four ponies in the back you

know and then we you think you get four ponies in the back end of a nissan quest you're welcome

to try yeah you pay me the money for the quest well we got you know the the nascar track that's

over here real close over there you know the one i'm talking about the one that's close

the closer one was the talladega which one is that what's that called you know that nascar

track out here oh no well we we drive down to the nascar you know and we bring the four ponies

and then like people fuck them you know we rent them out for people to fuck like they're right

there you know how you can drive your van and everything you can drive it down in the in the

middle of the thing what's that called what's that called oh the guy on the radio was talking

about it the guy on the radio came on the radio and he was like yeah we found we got a van for

sale a lot of people this old man was doing a lot of fucking in the back of it with his wife

he said and he's in rogersville and he gave out your phone number yep it was on channel 19

channel 19 that's right yep yeah so you didn't have any fornication with your wife in the back

or anything well you know like i said if you want to come look at the van you're welcome to come and

look at it yeah but i'm just i mean because i could lay it down but i could come with my

boyfriend right here he's on the phone he's my boyfriend he's a mechanic we'll go down there

we'll fuck don't kill everybody i'm actually you know that yeah does it move less if you put the

emergency brake on sir just try that out yourself oh all right well can i bring my my man down there

to try it out with me

or am I going to have to

fuck you in the back

or what?

You can do that

or bring your pony

or whatever you want

to screw back.

It don't matter to me.

Bring you a couple of pigs.

What about your wife?

You can do that too.

You can bring your wife.

Yes.

No, your wife.

Speaking of pigs,

bring your wife, you know?

Well,

she doesn't seem to know

an awful lot.

Yeah, we'll put lipstick on her

and fuck her.

All right.

Did you have any questions

for me before I fuck your wife?

No, why?

All right.

Well, hang up

the fucking phone then.

He don't want to sell

that piece of shit.

You hang up the fucking phone, all right?

You need to hang up the fucking phone, man, if you got a problem.

Dictation system?

I'm going to hang up on the other guy.

What is this?

This is supposed to be three Pomeranian Japanese chin mixes.

The fuck is it asking me?

Is this like a deaf person that's selling it?

Pomeranians are mean.

Thank you.

What the fuck?

They got the wrong number in there.

All right.

All right, we got someone looking for an orange kitten.

Oh, a Dobby cat they want.

All right.

There's a buddy Dobby.

There you go.

Look, studio cat.

Hey, you like Dialer, right, Milkman?

You like Dialer Machine?

Huh?

You like Dialer?

You like Dialer's pranks, right?

Oh, he's fucking hilarious, yeah.

He's up.

He's usually not up right now.

He's up right now.

Jen didn't make it tonight.

I can add Dialer if you want.

You have reached the voicemail box of 4-2-3-2-7-7.

He's asking me, oh, la, la, la, la, la, cool.

At the tone, please recall.

All right, hang on.

Let me get dialed.

Well, he wasn't asking.

He said he's awake.

He's trying to see if he wants to join.

I'm just calling him.

Fuck it.

If he answers, he answers.

He doesn't know well.

All right.

Well, Ginny's cool, too, man.

Bring him, man.

Gin is sleeping, apparently.

All right, we're looking.

Oh, okay.

Too bad.

We have the little girl's clothings for sale, Milkman.

man little girls oh yeah hello hey dialer what's up man i gotta mute the mixer yeah i mean you

never really get to be on usually uh bad fucking wife she must be oh yeah hey you got some little

girls clothes for sale i'm not sure about that my wife's in bed so i don't know oh were you just

fucking her right now what's going on you can't put her on the phone yeah can you i just got done

done buying her pretty good oh can you put her on no she's in bed oh wow what are you doing i'll be

smoking a cigarette yeah everybody smokes after sex don't they i don't i chew after sex i chew dip

yeah hey you want to have a threesome sometime i got a girl on the line she's real hot sure yeah

hey uh i forgot her name we just do drugs and i never really asked her name i forgot i am so

so fucked up right now yeah do you she's just hello are you there i guess he's scared i was

gonna try to squeeze you in the smoke son of a bitch you think yeah i'll fuck my mom

i just got done

oh thank you very much he did the old pickup hangman he got me there yeah he's giving her

of the milk.

We got a 99

99

Lincoln Town and Country.

Is that a van?

I think they're vans.

Yeah, it's a

Dodge Caravan.

Oh, it's like an

upgraded Dodge Caravan.

Maybe.

Like the interior is

probably a little souped up

more.

A little extra soup,

a little extra milk.

A little extra peppers

in the gumbo.

Very nice vehicle

at a low price.

You want to do this? You're asking

$2,000 for it. You want to do a prank?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been forced

to.

I forgot to

dial 1 or 0 before

dialing my number.

I'm going to copy, paste, and

Skype this ad for you.

Okay.

Watch him not even answer.

still got that town and country buddy hello calling about the price of a town and country

hang on just one second here

yeah i have a little trouble uh hearing things when i drink too but uh i was asking about the

town and country okay uh that's a 99 model country this thing runs good i'm actually

So I'm driving around now.

He's not knocking or nothing, right?

Uh-huh.

He's not knocking or nothing in the engine, right?

No, sir.

I wouldn't be driving if it wasn't knocking.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, how many miles does that thing got on?

2.18.

Son of a bitch.

You really pushed it.

It seemed to be a pretty good vehicle.

So the tranny ain't slipping or nothing?

The tranny seems solid?

No, sir.

Everything seems...

The only real problem I have with it whatsoever is the air conditioner don't work.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know much about it to fix that.

I got experience with that.

Yeah, but the trannies, you've got to watch the trannies on those.

The Dodge Caravan, the Town & Country, you've got to watch the trannies on those.

They don't seem to be anything wrong with this one

No signs of slipping or nothing

It's not slipping

It's not doing all kinds of weird shit

Transmission

You really got to watch out for those trannies

I happen to be one

How about I come over there and you can show me

How good it shifts and everything

You can show me the tranny and I'll show you mine

Excuse me

I don't know what came over me

That's the bottom dollar you take is two grand

How about

But I suck your dick for, uh, you give it to me for, like, $1,200?

No.

I even use the sexy voice and everything.

Come on, old country boy.

Give me a holler back.

I'll give you a holler.

I'll make you holler, but you're not.

You're not giving me a holler or whatever.

What the fuck?

Listen, we got, I need to get our chief IRC chat expert, Milkman, where we're talking about Enigma.

He wanted to jump on real quick so he could explain what's going on.

Cool.

Chat crisis of 2015.

So I'll wait for him to connect.

I can't really see if he's connecting.

Say something when you're on it, Igma.

Hey, can you hear me?

Yeah, hey, hey. You want to update?

So what's going on?

For the time being, Kiwi IRC will not...

You can't get in to the chat or the web browser.

You should use an application then, right?

Yeah, you need to get a native IRC client like HexChat.

If you're on PC or OSX, they have an app for that.

Third party.

I still have Quazzle. Is that good enough, Enigma?

I use Quazzle. That's working. That's fine.

Yeah, it works. If it's working, keep it.

Yeah, if it's working, keep it. It should, yeah.

Yeah, but here's the thing with Kiwi IRC is they don't send ident commands before they connect.

So when you connect, it tries joining the channel.

Hang on a second.

Yeah, it's in the reverse order that it needs to be in, basically.

You join the channel first, and then it sends the password,

and you need to send your password first

then join the channel for you to build it.

Yeah, it needs to be done before joining the channel.

Exactly.

So there's a problem there.

That's why you've got to type that extra command

if you're using the shit app like Kiwi IRC.

Yeah.

But you put it up.

It's up on the site now, right?

There's instructions on what to do.

I updated the thing on there, yes.

Okay.

Cool.

All right.

Well, thanks, Enigma.

All right.

Well, that's that.

If anybody needs any help, pollen help,

I'll help you there.

Help!

All right, thanks, Enigma, man.

All right, see you later.

Thanks, Enigma.

Yeah, that's Enigma, everybody.

He's a chat, runs our chat for us, and he's helping you all out.

Just join the help channel, like you said, if you need help.

You just type join space slash pound help.

The instructions are on the website.

It's really big and red at the top of the site,

no matter what page on the site you're on right now.

There's a colon in there.

Yeah, colon pound, colon pound.

Yeah.

We got a GE refrigerator, spelled all wrong, refrigerator.

God, people love to fuck up the spelling of a refrigerator.

Um, $100 GE washer.

Oh, they got a bunch of stuff.

They got a Magic Chef electric stove.

Magic Chef electric stove.

Hang on.

I'm dropping this in here in case you want to jump in on it.

All right.

See if we can get some appliance.

I need some water.

Call rejected.

You know, you could probably get some work, you know, doing...

Call rejected.

Son of a bitch.

Voice over talking.

like for voicemails and stuff who is fiverr.com who was who was the who was the blind guy that

did the impersonated like oh he did an impersonation that was like dead on of of a

hold system like you know for blah blah blah press one he sounded just like the woman you

remember he said for chinga tu madre press four for a chinga tu madre press four oh that was will

yeah he wasn't even doing a voice he was just saying he was just being the smartest oh my god

but dude like to me it sounded just like it like i swear like i heard it the first time like was

that did that really did because i thought you guys had changed it to say that somehow that's

what i thought it was i was like yeah it was wicked i was wicked drunk in that episode he got

me like laughing so hard i lost it for like 30 seconds after that uh remember kept laughing at

jesus what your mother pressed for oh man when i swear to god i thought you guys had changed the

voicemail tree to the the phone tree to that to actually say that oh i lost my shit yeah elite

elite blind hack source yeah that would be awesome like fuck your mother for what you call

like a doctor's office what do you do all right hey let's focus here is someone who would like

some newer golf clubs they're looking for golf clubs irons and drivers they're in great that

are in great shape and good quality uh summation point please call or text me okay would like

graphite shafts shafts graphite shafts yeah hey my shaft is made of granite yeah i got black shaft

it's like a black sex machine sex machine that i got it's really nice it talks to all the chicks

you're gonna give him you're gonna give him the bordequin uh nightstick yeah

yeah you want to do it dialer do it oh i could investigate some noise

hello you're looking for some golf clubs and equipment yeah are you golf now he's trying to

learn to golf i ain't got 20 years man at clubs i'm saying yeah well fuck yeah man i got some

nike club i got a whole nike club say here uh they're all graphite graphite they're nice and

light you know and i mean they're they're not great but they're entry level pretty good you

can start off with these motherfuckers and then build up you know your different clubs and wedges

that you need customized later on you know fucking shit but these nike what what are you got with

i got the bag i got balls i got the whole set i got an entire set i got all the clubs the drivers

i have an open club sandwich well how much you got well what are you looking to spend

uh that's why man i get in the guy i'll figure out hey you know like yeah it gets expensive

how about yeah i'll tell you what uh how old are you oh i'm a i'm a hero but all right so you

You sound more like, you know, my father's generation.

That's good.

I'll tell you what.

I have SSA, and my attraction has always been the older men around your age.

I mean, if you want to come, you know, you can come, try them out.

You know, maybe you want to hit some balls.

We can meet at a driving range.

You can hit some balls with them, see if you like them.

Yeah, I just look at them.

I think it's what I need.

You know what I'm saying?

You've got to get used to things and get in with it.

I'll tell you what.

Here's what you do for me.

We'll come over to my place here, and I'll bring out the golf clubs, right?

And I've got a nice grass, nice flat grass in back, you know?

And you go on, sunny day, you go on, you take your shirt off,

and you take a few swings, and I'll watch, you know?

Shirt off, man.

But I'm trying to, look, I'll give you a deal.

I'll give you a deal.

I'm going to be watching you from the bedroom window

while you're swinging.

No, I don't feel I'm interested in doing that.

I just want you to swing, you know, shirtless.

Yeah, I understand.

I appreciate it.

You know, you put the ball on the tee,

and you bend over in them nice slacks in front of me.

Yeah, I don't get into that, dude.

You bend over in them nice slacks in front of me,

and then you, you know, you grab them.

I appreciate your call, man.

Have a good one.

Oh, man, just grab the shaft with two hands, you know.

all right yeah you know that kind of struck me as the uh you know the guy rusty nail from that

old movie that uh joyride no i want you to touch the chair i want you to call yourself

kaylee kate what are you doing

hey man come on i'll put my i'll put my brother on the line maybe he's got i don't know something

he could offer you something better for him you know a better deal no he can't i'm sorry all right

All right, I understand.

Dude, I'm not in it.

Don't take your shirt off.

You don't have to take your shirt off.

You don't have to keep your shirt on.

I mean, if you're like that, man, you're a fucking pervert.

No, just come on now.

I'm not asking you to be doing sexual things.

You need some fucking help.

I'm not asking for sexual things.

I'm just asking you to play some golf in front of me.

I got your number right now.

No, no, come on.

Don't call, man, because my wife's going to find out.

Come on.

You just want to check out your form.

come on my wife i don't want my wife to find out come on well come on man don't be calling me up

no more just by selling somebody else but listen just just keep your shirt on keep your shirt on

but i just want to watch you taking some nice swings with it you know nice and slow you ain't

gonna watch me buddy come on if you call me again i'm gonna call along listen i'll be honest with

you i i'm banned from going to the driving range here because i went and i was masturbating watching

the people yeah i'll tell you what and they told me i got trespassed you know for sure

and i'm gonna give him a car oh i could have deal he knows me i could have deal with him i said look

man come on man no trespass i'm banned from the driving rates because i went through the

jerk off and watch the guy he's not gonna sleep good tonight call him the sheriff i know the

sheriff i'm gonna call i don't think he's too pleased with you there cross seat though yeah

cross seat oh damn that was good we got lonesome loser number numbers coming in yeah

yeah we got some numbers

Thank you, sir.

We also got numbers coming in from Neon.

She's passing on some numbers here.

Taxi Neon, thank you.

Check it out.

Yeah, we got them here.

Yeah, so we got several sources of numbers.

Let me see what Lonesome has.

The arm is hard at work behind the scenes.

The arm is hardly at work.

Something's hard.

I'd say that guy was pretty hard up after he got through swinging some gloves there

for crossy oh he liked it we got someone wanted to buy a mini lop buck or needing one to stud

my females oh all right i don't know what an lop buck i don't know what kind of animal that is lop

buck that sounds like horse talk there yeah i don't know what's the lop i need you to stud my

mare you mean you want my stud to nut in your mare or they clean it up with their own language

those horse people

and it's just like

come on

you just want her

to bust in her ass

right

yeah

come deep

pre-pilot

how many hands

is he

is he a gelder

uh

it's a holland lop

a holland lop

is a breed of rabbit

no that can't be right

fuck

maybe it is

yeah it says

a mini lop buck

they might

they might be rabbits

oh shit

that's all I can find

is yeah

you can

yeah holland lop bucks

that's what came up

bunnies

Wow, that's a whole different thing all together.

Do you want to take a dollar?

Are you not able to do calls?

Do you have to be quiet?

Oh, I could do it.

But I'm just trying to figure out what the hell I do.

You should just do exactly what you were saying, just about rabbits, about him nutting in them.

Okay.

That's funny.

Hello?

I'm calling about the rabbits and the breeding.

Really?

Hello?

I hung it up.

I don't know if she was.

It sounded like she might have been there.

She got all scared.

It's an old Jewish man.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I've been sitting and smoking and watching television.

She's not going to think I'm scared.

How did you scare her?

You didn't say nothing bad.

Oh, my God.

I'm just a, you know, a cute, cuddly old man.

The mailbox belonging to 479.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, look at it, look at it, look at it, look at it.

We're going to be in a perfectly long pay every home.

So what, okay.

We got someone who's moving into a home with a nice fenced-in yard

and they're wanting a Great Dane or German Shepherd puppy.

Okay. Can you work with that, dialer?

Oh, yeah.

They want a big dog because they're insecure about themselves.

Yeah.

Accus them of sexual things because that's why they want a big dog.

Oh, yes. They want the big genitals.

The big private parts.

All right. So, as before, I've just pasted the ad there for you to peruse for the deets.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Yes. You're welcome.

And I'm now dialing the number.

Right over...

Right there.

You can join us for Rise and Ring back home while your party is free.

Oh, that's so romantic.

Where's the hat?

Sorry.

Really?

But the person you called has a...

Really?

Try that again.

Please enjoy this Verizon ringback tone while your party is...

It better be different.

Ugh.

I like it when people at least have, like, three different ones that do random.

That's cool.

Not this.

I can't believe people pay for that.

Yeah, right?

I gotta pay money so my...

People hear my shitty music ideas.

Pretty sure it delays the ring by 20 seconds, too.

I'm sorry, but the person...

You got to get those royalty fees, man.

You got to play at least 20 seconds to make money.

Maybe, I don't know.

Just playing.

Who knows?

Yes, hermano, I have an orange crush for you, bison.

Oh, yeah, enjoy a very tasty orange crush.

Marijuana.

Ice cold.

All right.

Looking for numbers.

I just said I had a bunch of them. Here we go.

We got a bunny for sale. Now we have a bunny

for sale. Yeah.

A male angora rabbit.

Oh, that thing looks weird.

It's like the Cadbury commercials.

It's like really furry.

Yeah.

I never understood

that why

was there a rabbit laying eggs

and why did it buck? Well, okay. I just answered

my own question. Thank you, Tyler. You're awesome, man.

Appreciate it. You're awesome.

Can you work with a rabbit that's easy to handle

on most people?

Oh god, I hope so.

I'm breaking someone's neck.

I will kill a deer.

Come on, man.

He's too busy fingering the rabbit.

Was it Peter Rabbit, or was it the guy who showed his

rabbit to Peter?

It's like a house number.

What's an answering machine?

They used to have an answering machine, but Brad turned it off.

Alright, posting a link

if you can open it for

Or a Canon Mark III camera.

That's a classic.

Yeah.

Paintsville.

Who needs a camera in Paintsville?

Duh.

It's all painting there.

You don't take pictures.

Now, are you posting this in Skype?

Did I?

Oh, I gave it to the wrong Skype.

I'm not seeing anything.

Oh, yeah.

I think I've been sending messages to Neon instead of you the whole time.

Here we go.

Ew.

That thing's ugly.

All right.

It's big.

How old is this?

It looks like it melted.

That's a classic.

Jesus Christ.

All right, well, here it goes.

Can you work with this, Doc?

Yes, it looks like it needs a lens.

Yeah, does it?

It doesn't retract?

Retract.

Well, I mean, the lenses get pretty expensive, too,

because you start having to buy all these different lenses.

Please try your color again later.

You got to add a 1.

Oh, I forgot to add a 1.

606, that's a cool area.

Where have I heard that?

It's a lottery number.

There's 606.

Play that, guys.

Yes, you show that camera.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Yes, the Mark III.

Beautiful piece of equipment.

I used to have one, but unfortunately, I was at the Grand Canyon,

and a bus got a little too close to me, and I just lost it over the edge.

Wow.

So this would be a great replacement for me.

I have all the accessories.

I just lost that poor camera.

Now, did you just copy and paste the specs?

Are you familiar with the technical, you know, the specifications and all the settings?

No.

Okay, you know that setting you turn on the back there?

Well, never mind.

I'll just, yeah.

So 2200, are you firm on that?

Pretty much.

Okay, it's like mint condition, would you say?

No, I've had it a few years.

I just don't use it.

I have a Mark IV, too.

Oh, the Mark IV.

They made a few changes to the Mark IV that I didn't quite like.

You know what I'm talking about, those changes there?

Yeah, it's not a full frame.

Yeah, it's a little different to work with.

But do you have any accessories with this Mark II?

I'm seeing the specs, but I'm not seeing anything written from you or just your phone number.

We'll take it copied and pasted.

Yeah, no, that's what I got on.

Okay, so what you see is what you get, just the camera there without any lenses attached.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, what I used to do is I used to make postcards,

and I would, like, lay my junk on some Legos or some other children's toys,

and I would make postcards out of that.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

Postcards?

Oh, yeah.

When was the last time you had the camera calibrated by a professional?

Have you ever had it into a shop?

I sent it to Canon.

You sent it to Canon.

And they corrected the factory offset and all that?

I guess.

I sent it to Canon last year.

I bought it used from mine and it was in great shape.

Great shape.

That's good to hear.

I think the best postcard that I ever put out personally was that I had a clay figure of Mr. Rogers,

and I just put my shaft right through his arms, took three different angles of that,

and made it into a nice postcard.

It sold like 30,000 units.

So what time would you like to meet?

I can show you my work.

Maybe you and I can pose and get a picture with it just to test it out.

Good for you.

But tonight?

Is it a little too late?

No, too late tonight.

Okay.

Hey, how much can you lift?

Why?

My balls are pretty heavy.

I don't know what to do.

It's a little rusty.

It's hard sometimes, though.

They don't give you much sometimes.

Matt, I can't hear.

You can't hear?

Is it low for you?

No, no, they can't hear.

It's like, what?

Oh, yeah.

That might be my fault.

I guess you really didn't want to sell it

do what now

I guess you really didn't want to sell that camera

after all

alright I'll see if I can do this

when we get a brand new ultra durable

transparent dive case

housings for GoPro

oh this is more camera shit

yeah hey you got them dive cases for them gopros uh you mean the waterproof cases yeah like you

can dive with them right go deep in the water oh dive cases yeah yeah i yeah i still have it

yes you have a big you have a big dick you have a big dick um do they how deep do they are they

rated for a certain depth at all do you know shit i was trying to sneak it in it is very small

i guess no i said it's a little you think so about asian oh they got me um what's next

uh forearm crutches and portable massage table 25 that's a mix right there yeah

what you need both of those together does it have two holes or just one for your face

They really should put two holes in those massage chairs.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You got portable massage chairs?

A massage table.

You got what size?

Are you asking me a question or what's going on?

What are you calling for?

I'm calling for a portable massage table you got for sale.

Now, why'd you say what size or something stupid like that?

What's that mean?

You know what?

Fuck you.

Hey, man.

Come on.

I need a massage table.

You can get the middle finger or the reddest beam.

It's your choice.

I took this industry by storm.

Young and black.

Turn them down.

Don't ever call me fortunate.

You don't know what it costs.

Keep ruining calls for that attitude.

Oops.

Milkman gets mad when I do this.

He's like, come on, man.

You don't gotta cuss them when they first call.

When you're playing games, motherfucker.

You don't gotta cuss them when they first pick up, man.

Your call is forwarded to a automatic voice message system.

Zero.

Okay for sale

Spartan mainline drain snake

That's what I'm talking about

Dialer do you want a drain snake

Clean some drains out

Oh I forgot the one

Silly me

Put two ones in there just to make sure

That was two ones

Wait a minute

What the fuck

Oh man

Maybe for real it's the circuit system

Oh, it's missing a digit, I think.

Oh, never mind.

Damn.

Most is daft.

I wanted that fucking train snake.

Hang on, let me see if I can Google it.

See if I can find it on the computer.

Nigga.

Just another nigger.

That's what he said.

He's just a nigger.

Oh, Milkman's on hold.

Sorry, Milkman.

It beeps at me if I leave you on hold.

If I forget you, it goes,

remind me nice nice i'm getting to pick up a customer so i'll be on mute dude thank you so

much i appreciate you leaving me in the conversation all right well i guess no drain snake that's a

shame because i was really excited about that uh we got any more and load some loser numbers i'd

like to hear a few of them if you don't have a if you if we haven't used them up they're coming in

i'm trying to knock out these neon ones uh okay all right make sure we got some of his numbers

his are coming in his are coming in uh my son scuba gear yeah

You won't listen to it.

My daddy made me leave the voicemail message.

So you're going to start doing shows again?

That's one of the important reasons why you're here.

What's going on?

Yeah, I'm just going to get on either my Mixler or the PCN Mixler at noon.

Unless someone else is there.

I'll check first.

Well, yeah.

Well, just do it.

Why can't you do the PCN one?

I could do that.

I'm just going to find the password.

Maybe you can send it to me.

Oh, I can, yeah.

Yeah, I can.

Or my people's can.

Yeah, we'll take care of that.

Yeah, it's no more chat lines.

It's just mostly like,

here's this list of numbers I got from 800notes.com.

I'm just going to call all of them.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm going to kill her now.

Take a little cool chocolate.

For this one time,

I got this organization called Gapch online.

It was just a call center for Indians,

but they were pretty saucy once you break them down.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I mean,

the guys used to

well we used to call that

oh what the hell was that

what the hell was that one

that everyone was calling

for a while

Guru Aid

that's the one

Tabachi

Guru Aid

Guru Aid is fun as hell

yeah there's like

a ton like them too

if you go through

the 800 notes

and you look like

you look for like

Indian and then tech

as the search terms

and you just dump

all the numbers

to like a CSV

and you dial through them

you get so many of them

it's insane

that's awesome

it's the world

that we live in too

it's a damn shame

no it's not what's the shame about it where should we be ashamed that indians are having jobs

uh well because these people do something on android sdk and you're trying to set it up and

then the first like ad result on google is like hire indians to write your apps

nice nice and cheap and on freelancer you're competing for like app jobs or like uh design

my website and it's all indians bidding oh fuck yeah so you're screwed man there's no way the

The game's rigged, right?

I haven't won anything yet.

That's going to change.

It's changing in China now, and then India's next.

China, yeah.

The price of oil has gone down.

The price of gasoline is probably going to be going down in the United States to under $2 a gallon on average in the next few weeks, I think.

It should be catching up.

Maybe a month or two.

but i think they said by by october by the end of the summer we should have sub two dollar

a gallon gas because the chinese demand on crude oil has gone has crashed because of their current

economic crisis yeah that's nice i wonder if propane will go down too um i would guess any

any of those like commodities that everyone says well because the chinese demand you know fish i

bet you the fish industry is going to change um because one of the big things with china is like

Like, their newfound wealth led to a new demand for fish,

and especially, like, fucking shark fin and stuff.

Like, really exotic fish and the eating of animals that are endangered and stuff like that.

They have actually taken so many sharks, man.

Some of them are actually starting to become endangered.

Yeah.

Listen to them.

But, I mean, there's worry about them.

Yeah.

But they call them, like, rhinos out in Africa, like, poaching, right?

Because they just cut them for the fins, and then, like, the whole, they don't do anything.

They can't sell the shark to me because it's not good.

And the tusks.

Yeah.

Ivory tusks, dude, the other thing they love, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wiping out the elephants, man.

But, dude, here's what's fucked up.

Like, once a year, you know what's stupid, all right?

And it makes me think maybe they're in on it, too.

Once a year, like, whatever agency in the United States, they'll go to New York City,

they'll go to Times Square, and they'll dump all of the United States-captured ivory

for the last year year and a half they'll put it out in the street in some kind of central area

and they'll crush it all and destroy it crush it and burn it yeah man like if you burned the last

pile dude but you know you know what you do when you do that you're basically if i'm an ivory evil

ivory dealer from liberia and i see the united states just crushed all of all this ivory i'm

like fuck yeah the price of ivory just went up to ching like i don't give a shit you know what i

I mean, like, that's your, and you got to think some, you know, is that part of the

problem?

Is there something?

It's a fucking shame, dude.

I really wish instead of burning or whatever, they would just, I don't know, even keep it.

Do something with it.

Don't let the, yeah.

Like gold.

Like gold, man.

Just keep it.

Those are fucking living beings.

Yeah.

Now you're, yeah.

You know, the value of it just as, like, by its weight alone.

Yeah, but just, I mean, at least it was an animal, you know?

Like, you can do something with the horror that was its murder.

Yeah, now you made its death meaningless.

I mean, what if you turn it around and you, like, you know...

I don't know.

I really hate that they burn it or they crush it, dude.

I mean, to destroy it is even to kill it.

Yeah, they should keep it and put it in big ivory museums and ivory laboratories.

That would be better.

Well, they'd be studied for their essential minerals.

All circuits are busy now.

Oh, man.

Bamboo poles for sale, but the number doesn't go through either.

I'm having some troubles tonight with circuits to Hawaii.

Here are bamboo mood lighting.

How does that work?

Wow, this bamboo creates light.

It must be fluorescent shit.

My guess is this bamboo has been crossed with jellyfish DNA.

If you can see how many thousands of tusks, dude,

and imagine those are all gigantic.

Apartment-sized animals, each one of them.

Each pair.

Poor elephant.

Elephant machines are smart.

Can you imagine the size of the pile of shit in elephants?

Hello?

I can barely hear that lady.

Alright, I'm gonna change my caller ID

Maybe that'll help out with our situation

Back to the numbers

Let's see what's next

Ooh, a craps table and bar for sale

You can set up your own illegal casino with that

Fuck yeah

I was wondering, darling

Maybe you could set up a PBX option for yourself

Like run your own PBX server

I was thinking about that.

It might work out.

I'll be looking for ideas after I run out of VoxOx credit.

So, I guess VoxOx is working pretty stable on Android and such,

but the Windows client of it is not supported anymore.

It's almost like a ban.

Oh, they took it down.

Yeah, if you don't have a copy of the setup, the self-extracting thing,

then you're kind of screwed until they release the Windows version.

which has been taken forever but that's the stupidest thing i've ever seen anyone in software

do yeah take down your current version in anticipation for your new version yeah okay

why unless you just lose your user base on that platform exactly yeah that's basically what they

did but whatever all right you never see skype doing shit like that yeah look at poor manager

dude i started looking into uh mixler's uh reviews like on a corporation as a corporation and like i

i found reviews from former employees where they're saying like basically the it's there's

really smart engineers that are working on it but the management sucks at everything they do

so it's it has a lot of trouble getting places they don't market it at all like they should

like they should be able to mixler and mixler and spreaker should get together and have a baby

because mixler does streaming perfect spreaker they just give you a crappy 128 mp3 stream that

sounds like shit but you know mixler sounds way better at its low bitrate yeah if they if they

They both got together.

You get the podcasting, and you get the live broadcast.

It's rock solid all in one shot.

So I don't know.

It's kind of silly.

Well, the people at Mixer should be able to put the dots together and figure it out by now.

It's whatever.

Okay.

I don't know.

It wouldn't take too much to implement RSS, and that would be a great improvement.

Yeah.

I mean, they already have the showreel there.

They just need to create an RSS feed off of that.

That's all they've got to do, right?

And then pretty it up.

I think they want control.

They want money and control.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, we download, we delete everything off of there.

We don't have anything in the showreel, and we don't use their chatroom.

We just use them for the streaming at this point.

But I like the fact that we have a pretty good open dialogue with them.

They seem to be cool people.

They've worked with us before on technical issues that we've pointed out to them.

They've helped us out before.

They're very slow in implementing shit.

I just think whatever project management they're using, it's slow as fuck.

They're like opening, I mean, they open bugs and tickets and just keep that.

I don't know if they're listening or something.

They have to pay their Indian team more.

I guess so, yeah.

Dude, but that's the thing.

Like, you know, I've worked at places where I worked at a government agency,

and it was like, yeah, nighttime, the Indians take over.

Like, we had our developers there, developers, you know,

but they were like, yeah, overnight, we just, they hustle it for us,

and we come in in the morning, and it's, you know, it's all done,

and we just comb through for the bugs

and shit, you know. Or from there, they love

it. Yeah. So basically

you've got, you know, in-house development

going on 24-7 and

you have Indians doing it overnight

when you're closed. And you come in and

it's pretty. I mean, it works.

Do they have cute names

for the release versions?

No,

the software that they

come up with is, I mean, I don't know, it's mundane

stuff. Mundane

tasks that are happening. Yeah, you

you compare indian code to russian code oh my god yeah well i dealt with indian i really can't

i don't know i i worked a different government agency i was working for as a contractor um

the developers were all indian that was an indian place i used to work at i still have a prank call

but yeah they sucked oh my god this government's all government's all about the low bid well these

guys are so bad they lost their contract last year before i uh after i got out i've seen that

happened yeah i got out before it happened but yeah they uh they lost their contract they got

they got because they were just so bad because they're ticketing i've seen the product fail

halfway through deployment and then they had to go with a different company wow that's crazy so

you get another company to go in there in terms of government contract wow that's crazy with these

guys i mean it's really important like i don't want to talk about what it was is like really

really pretty critical important software and they just yeah they're really bad at it and like

the ticketing system that they we had like we're it like you know you you'd get someone would say

someone out there usually like i found a bug and you put it in the system and i mean there were

at least a thousand i think i mean there were ancient ones that were just like you know moved

you know moved on the patch whatever moved on like they just kept pushing it and pushing not

even working on it it's like some of it was pretty important shit i don't know one day i'll

be in a position where it's still been too early

for me to just go off and talk about

clients. It's kind of one of those fields where

you can't do it with just one person

although you'd have perfect results if you

did it with one or two people, but you need a team

to write all that crap code and then

that's just what it is, crap code, and no one knows

what they wrote, no one knows what everyone else

wrote. And it has to be quality tested

and then, you know...

In some cases with government contracts

the quality test has been

pen tests years later discovering the hole

allowing credit card information to be stolen out it's like what the fuck yeah shit man let's not

test it let's just deploy yeah they'll get me started on the credit card thing how like they

made the agreement in the states that by october right we had to go to chip and signature for all

debit and credit cards or it should have been chip and pin like it is in the rest of the world

for a transaction you have to have the chip on the card the physical chip and you also have to type

in a PIN number to make

your transaction go through.

There's none of this signature bullshit.

You know what I mean? But the way it is now,

it's going to be chip and PIN.

You have to have an actual card, but you can

you just have to sign. You don't have to go through that

second authentication to

purchase with the card, basically.

You know, once that hits all the

mall retailers, those

Indian guys with the phone cases, they're going to start

selling Faraday cages for the wallets like crazy.

It's going to be commonplace.

You think? I don't know. It's pretty

I don't know.

I hope not.

You never know, man.

I mean, things get hacked all the time.

Look at, yeah, whatever.

Look, let's do pranks.

Craps table for sale number?

We had a craps table for sale?

Yeah, you want to start a casino, dialer?

Go for it.

Shoot some crows off the table.

Shut up.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

Okay.

I was listening to part four of the marathon again that you recently did.

And Ted Webb's, like, default prank call voice is hilarious.

What material would you say the craps table is?

oh he's got the scientific oh yeah he's got that just yeah i think it's really his only voice that

i really heard him do i checked out that app he made for blue planet it looks pretty solid yeah

he's like that's coming out for pcn uh well he's he offered the he offered it all he said it's all

scannable he said we could have it i never got with him on it but like shoutcast wise we don't

have it only works half the time right now it's a real it's been a pain in the ass it's just really

really hard to manage right now the way we're set up do you know that uh mixler has an open api or

do you have to suck their dick to get an api key um i don't know that's above my pay grade uh

i don't think i don't i think i think they do have some type of api because i think that's how

is there a show is able to get around uh is there a show i think that's how it's set up to

to receive those notifications.

I have a feeling that Dashie does a hell of a lot of scraping, though.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I could swear someone out there, I think it might have been Dashie,

someone out there had a setup where they could,

his tool would check a Mixer Show Reel

and automatically download whatever was on it every 15 minutes.

So you'd have to do that manually.

It was downloading it automatically to a different, you know,

It was something that was spitting out an RSS feed.

I could have sworn that was happening.

I don't remember what ever happened to that.

That's pretty bitchy, though.

Yeah, I don't know if it got closed off or something.

I think probably Mixer wouldn't be happy because they don't like you downloading unless you pay.

I think you have to have a paid account to download.

It has to be your own account, right?

I think that's how it works.

I think I've downloaded from the showreel without being logged in.

Well, you were able to scrape the page, right?

Yeah, they have some URL obfuscation going on,

so if Dashie was able to get that to go to RSS,

that means he cracked whatever code they were using

to generate the random name for the URL.

Again, I could swear, but it's not...

I swear it was around once, and I haven't seen it for a long time.

I'd have to ask Dashie.

I think I've asked him before, and he said no, but I don't know.

I'd love to work with Dashie to get his tools mobile,

like have his tools on every platform, Windows, iPhone, Android.

Yeah. Hey, I got a guy with wooden fishhooks. I have no idea what a wooden fishhook would be used for.

I guess we'll hook a fish.

Come on, people got to pick up. Come on, Hawaii. You're always there for me, Hawaii.

This is the last neon number, Milkman. Don't worry. Milkman's not even here. Never mind.

He has a customer, actually. That's why.

Hey, we're calling about them fishhooks.

We're calling about them fishhooks. Can you pick up when I call back in a little bit? Thank you.

meanwhile in hawaii charlie's bird shitting on his back

yeah

were those the yelp reviews right that said that

so guys like the bird was shitting on the on his back it was nasty

oh man that guy's funny i haven't messed with him too much he's got like actual english speakers

or he's got round eyes working for him now

and they intercept now.

It sucks.

He used to just be the wife and him.

Yeah, it started with the son, right?

The son started interfering.

So do you know, he was a golfer.

He's a golfer, I guess.

He golfs with his daughter.

He kind of looks like he wears golf garb.

Well, weren't there pictures of him

that you found with him golfing

or like posing with golf clubs?

That was actually Tristan.

I think a while ago on one of your shows

you credited me with digging up the pictures.

It was all Tristan.

Okay.

i don't know why i thought it was you see i'm still running with that that was fun though and

eventually they got taken down yeah i've always wanted to know what monica piale means monica

piale yeah i don't know he did to a hooker yeah because i'm telling you dude for the longest i

thought he was speaking chinese it was chinga tumale he was trying to say though this whole

time i had no idea i thought he was saying some chinga tumale way he was butchering it for sure

I don't know who taught him that

some Mexicans would sit down

the guy who washes the dishes taught him that

oh he said he used to live in LA

so I think that's where he might have

picked him up

I think he probably worked for his sister's restaurant

in LA I think

maybe the health board banned him

so he went to the island

to hide out

shit

too much bird shit

alright here's Debbie

the happy place show

okay

Landline

if I do not want

okay shut up

anyway

Debbie the Happy Place Show

I don't know what that is

man

we'll call it

I'll ask her

the Happy Place Show

it sounds like

a sexual thing

sounds like

Neon Show

the Happy Place Show

I'll show you

my Happy Place

motherfucker

Motherfucker

Fucking this motherfucker

Nothing up with the motherfucker

Ripping him in

I really think that's like a whorehouse

Or something

Um

I gotta read just my caller ID

Hang on

What do we got here? Chihuahua and Jack Russell Mix.

Three girls and one boy. The boy is the one

on the left or whatever.

Pictures, I don't care. Alright, here we go!

Chihuahua and Jack Russell Mix.

We can do this. We can get someone to pick up.

We do this all the time.

They're going to be doing noon shows.

Eastern?

You know, you can drop

your mp3s into

Mixler's folder and

then you can upload them to your

You should roll with it any time.

I didn't know you knew that.

Oh, I can try that.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

You have some puppies?

You have puppies?

Yes, sir.

Okay, so what do you got?

What kind of, I'm a little confused.

What kind of dogs is this?

This is a leech, Chihuahua with the jab, Brosnan.

Maricón?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes, the little, little dog.

Okay.

All right, from Maricón's.

They got, Ian, you got three girls and one boy?

I think we have only one boy and two girls.

All right.

One boy and two girls.

Okay.

All right.

Good.

All right.

So, Mira, we want to make like a soup, you know, sopa with the dogs.

Oh, no.

We don't sell it for that.

No, no, no.

But we don't, you know, we're not going to tell you, all right?

We're just going to say that we want the dogs, you know.

Uh-huh.

Then we make a sopa with soup, and we want to break their little necks, you know?

Yeah, does the boy have big sexual organs, or are they still, is he a, how big are his sexual organs, you know?

No, I don't know.

I mean, how old is the boy?

He's a month and a half, I think.

Oh, so he doesn't have a big dick or anything like that yet, right?

No.

No?

Yeah.

Who's the mama dog and the dad dog? Do you have them?

Yeah, we still have the mom and daddy.

All right, and so you're saying that the two dogs that you have, they had sex?

Yeah.

They had sex, the two dogs, and so who's the mom dog, the Jack Russell or the Chihuahua?

The Jack Russell.

Is the female?

The daddy is the Chihuahua.

All right, so the Chihuahua got behind the Jack Russell and he fucked the Jack Russell with his dick?

Uh-huh.

And then it did the ejaculation inside the Jack Russell?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then what happens?

What happens after the dog fucks the other dog?

The boy dog and the girl dog have fucking.

What happens after that?

I don't know, man.

I'm busy right now.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you call tomorrow, you know.

No, but I don't understand.

You need to explain to me how the dog...

What happened?

I'm sitting here saying,

Mina.

that guy's funny that guy's in arkansas interesting all right who's next five week old six dollars

each baby bunnies yeah they can't be too attached to these these are the ones we can kill you want

to kill some bunnies oh yeah cadbury do they shit them eggs smells like dead ducks oh why does this

always happen hello leave a message after the call oh i hung up i didn't know you were gonna

I'll mark it every call, you know, and then we can do it.

In search of long hair or Persian kitten.

I'm looking for a Persian or long hair kitten.

I'm wanting a kitten who will be a lab cat and loves to cuddle.

All right.

Nice kitty.

You can say I'm a furry.

The Persians have the flat faces.

You can say you're a furry.

You're a persona as a cat.

And you're looking for a human.

No, you say what you want, Dio.

You do what you want.

I actually like that.

All right, that works.

I'm sorry, the person you were trying to reach

has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Please, try your call again later.

Goodbye.

It was a down pillow.

I threw it down on him.

Maybe I'm bad luck.

I should jump off.

I neglect her.

You're gonna flush me.

I'm stinking up your show.

I stink on ice.

Stink on ice.

I hate that fucking term.

What's the smallest term?

I think during the noon shows,

I want to rip off other characters.

Just for fun.

Yeah.

he doesn't want to use them apparently so fuck it right yeah yeah it could be nice and loud in the

car yeah we're calling bunnies back bunnies if not you can hack the machine yeah sorry but the

person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet goodbye i thought we had an

answer machine before fuck yeah it's kind of weird did i call them but i don't know yeah i guess um

Oh, never mind that.

Or was it this one?

Hang on.

All right, we'll try this one.

Oh, okay.

I saw the wrong bunnies.

Shit, I'm stupid.

All right, here's the right one.

Try this again.

We got this.

I'm going to have to take a break.

I'm going to eat the rest of my steak salad.

I'm going to slag you on Skype, apparently.

That's not going to do with it.

All right.

Large dog house.

Brand new.

Paid $125.

Asking a firm $50.

Nice.

All right.

You know who had a dope dog house?

Snoop.

Snoopy.

He had a whole five-story building in there.

I don't know if you ever catch the Snoopy comics,

but once there was one of the strips

and Schroeder came out

and he's like,

yeah, man, he's got a whole pool table here

and sitting on the ground.

I was like, how's that possible?

Snoopy was the man.

He's all right.

This guy remembers how much he paid

for the goddamn thing.

Yeah, I know, right?

We gotta try to get Milkman back, shit.

Let's try him first.

I'm gonna try to get 15 more minutes here

for a break.

Milkman, are you back?

You back with us?

Yes.

All right, good.

I figured you had a customer because I lost you.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

All right, here are the details on a doghouse.

Dialer, if you're interested.

Thank you.

How many stories is it?

This is a little doghouse, I guess.

You get to the point where you're at.

Oh, this is the idea we got.

The idea is that we start telling them about our three-year-old son

and how much he loves our new pit bull puppy.

Eventually get to the point where you ask if they think the dog house

will be big enough to keep your three-year-old son in,

along with a bowl of water and food.

Wonderful.

Do what you want, if you're doing this.

Is it a prank request?

Yes, it was a prank request.

I did it again.

I put it in the wrong chat.

I gave it to Neil again.

doghouse i wonder you guys hello

yes i'm calling about

the dog house yeah yeah i'm having trouble viewing the images hold on just a second let me try to

pull it up again i was just about to ask you what it's made of but hold on there it is all right

Right. So you paid $125 for this, huh?

Yeah.

You didn't put down dimensions. I know it's kind of hard to measure because it's circular, but what do you say the square footage is on this?

I don't know. I know it's big enough for a German Shepherd.

Oh, okay. Okay. Full-grown German Shepherd, right?

Do you have other pictures?

I'm looking at it on my phone. There's only one picture, I guess.

Yeah.

I don't know. Would you say a three-year-old could live in there comfortably for a little while?

Three-year-old?

Yeah, my daughter, she has autism, and she's a little too much to keep in the house.

That wasn't poor taste, sir.

Maybe he's got an autistic kid.

I don't know.

That might be what happened.

He's trying to get too much.

Try it as me?

We're not kidding.

She's really bad.

Science fiction.

Science fiction, really?

Please leave your message for Randy Lancaster.

Lancaster.

And I hung up on Milk Mountain Accident.

Yay, this is a great show.

Oh, shit, damn it.

Randy sounds like he's a state police or something important.

Just from the voice?

Yeah.

The sound of his jib, I guess.

The cut of his jib.

The cut of his audio.

He has to goof.

Show me your goof.

Nah, he's just an impersonator.

He's watched too many episodes of cop TV shows.

He probably knocks on, when he comes over to your house,

he knocks on the door real loud like a cop would, too.

Coo, coo, coo, coo.

Sorry, Milkman, I hit the wrong button.

Skypiss, Skypiss, Milkman, Skypiss.

It's my fault.

Um, I, I'm running out of ideas here for the time being while I wait for numbers to catch

up.

We're going to call a gentleman's club.

Fuck it.

Right.

I usually don't like calling him because they're very loud there.

Uh, can you do your female voice at a diet and the gentleman's club called the King of

diamonds called the King of diamonds?

No, that's the name of it.

Yeah.

King of diamonds, gentlemen club on eight mile in Detroit.

Maybe they have a VIP booth that has like a phone there or something.

They can walk it over.

Hi, my friend Gary is there.

He's in the VIP area.

you do you think you can run the phone over to him it's very important who gary you don't have

a gary here this is king of diamonds right i'm sorry yes it is yes oh do you want to show me

your gary i'm gonna be there in five minutes they don't mess around in places though

no that's too bad yeah because they're gonna have inside info i guess

you gotta know such and such as an asshole there you can fuck them uh oh a corn snake for sale

Yeah, there we go.

Corn snakes.

You know, people, I believe, confuse the corn snake with coral snakes

because they look a little bit similar and they suffer.

But they're a non-poisonous snake, from what I understand.

And they're very effective at rat control, especially in corn grows.

Yeah.

There you go, the corn snake.

Official snake of the Madhouse Show.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you got a corn snake?

Yeah, I do.

do yeah you so corn snakes they kind of look like coral snakes but they ain't corn snake coral snakes

they're corn snakes right they're not dangerous nothing right they're not dangerous but they don't

really look like coral snakes i think the ones you're thinking of are milk snakes oh fuck shit

yeah you're right the corn snake is here the corn snake is a nice snake he's a nice boy snake right

yeah that's right yeah so what's the snake's name uh you want it to be all right all right now it's

snake can i call um my wife is the one interested in the snake because she likes did you ever hear

the story of how alexander the great was conceived no uh he was conceived by a woman his mom and a

snake fantastic so we're trying to recreate that yeah here's my wife she'll explain it all to you

she's gonna fuck a snake hi hello hello hi i just wanted to um do you have a current measurement of

Of the abdomen of the snake at its widest point?

Yep.

Okay, how big is it around, you know?

What's the girth?

Oh, don't get it too dirty.

God.

A little bit of peanut butter on the corn snake, huh?

Oh, shit.

Oh, man.

Yeah, Alexander the Great's mother was a devout member of the Orgiastic snake-worshipping cult of Dionysus.

I don't know if the word Orgiastic means orgies or O-R-G-I-A-S-T-A.

Wow.

They had snake orgies?

Holy shit.

Let's go with that.

And I guess she said, she told people, oh yeah, I got pregnant by a snake.

Hang on, I gotta look up that word.

Snake milk, or milk snake.

If you rub the corn snake long enough, does it shoot milk?

Yeah, shit, look, orgiastic.

Of or resembling an orgy.

So yeah, they had snake orgies, wow.

I remember I caught a snake once and it was pissing all over the bucket I caught it.

And it was just, ugh.

God, getting that anywhere near a naked body is just like, ugh.

Oh, my God.

Fucking snakes.

Nothing smells lovelier than snake piss.

I guess.

I can imagine.

Yeah, but snakes don't make milk.

We're all joking around here saying snake milk, but snakes don't make milk.

Don't be sad.

Someone is driving Fort Smith to Tampa, Florida.

All right.

Ride offered.

Leaving the Fort Smith area.

All right.

Anyway, so we got a guy.

He's offering rides, I guess, to Tampa.

out from where he lives i guess this is florida we're calling probably get kicked off of uber

i think so for being one too many rapes being sexually aggressive like milkman yeah that's

why milkman is the uber driver he's not one anymore and he actually was innocent he was

just talking to the girl and she took it really the wrong way milkman doesn't even know what he

said that she must have heard him wrong but she had him fired i'll stop making up stuff about

poor milkman anyway so yeah uh all right so this guy's leaving oh okay okay okay he's he's

taking a long trip to tampa florida to see his son or hers uh so i guess you're just saying hey

if you want to hitch a ride with me to tampa join in you want to do it you can all right we'll paste

it in the meantime quickly here quickly i haven't got any audio for a while sorry hello yeah so you

you think i'm giving rides to tampa yeah are you thinking yeah tampa right uh tampa oh my god i

have got to get out of here but i just don't you know i'm not gonna ride with a creep right

oh okay i'm 57 years old and i'm retired my son lives down there oh my god really because i like

i had one beer right now and i'm so drunk right now and it was 50 cents it cost 50 cents the beer

you know i need a ride that i can trust oh okay well you know you know last time i i tried uber

I tried Uber, and I got in the car with a guy, and he was crazy.

He was crazy, and then I had drank two beers, and I don't know what happened, but I was really sore.

Well, you know, I just need a trustworthy guy, you know.

Well, one time, we'll be drinking or smoking on the way, you know, because I'm going to go from that way.

I was thinking about stopping at Biloxi, but I'll probably stop at Biloxi on the way back.

So you're in Northeast?

Yeah, I'm going to leave here the night of the week.

Oh, I don't have too much stuff.

I just have one, you know, one little bag, you know.

I just want to get out.

I just want to get out of here.

my boyfriend's a psycho he tried to cut me and he's talking to me about this richard

so you know i'm you know basically well not completely harmless but you know pretty mellowed

out you said tampa or or from here i'm from here i just want to get out of here you know

just want to get out go down you know go down on you i yeah that's a good idea how old are you and

stuff i'm 23 oh why are you asking me that you're you're you're scared me just now you just scared

scared me just making sure that you you know at least 21 oh yeah oh yeah okay yeah okay yeah do

you have any beer maybe we can drink beer while we drive oh no we're not going to drink and drive

okay right now just i'm sorry i'm just really drunk right now because i was you know scared

by this guy earlier this richard guy he won't stop calling me all the time so i have to get

out of here i'm just so scared but you're in fayetteville now huh yes yes where are you right

right now uh i'm in moldrow uh i'm close to port smith i need a place to stay tonight can i stay

with you tonight can you get down here i think so yeah i think so my brother has a car i don't

think i could drive right now do you i think i just you know i shouldn't drive right now i think

you should just kind of mellow out right now and uh especially if you've been drinking i just really

want to i just really want to meet you know before the ride i just want to meet you get to know you

you know right well i got a facebook page and everything i got long hair i used to work for

the government i'm retired my son lives in in tampa let's see here with carol but we're going

to go down and see humphries mcgee salvador daly museum and kind of my god why are you yelling

about why are you yelling at me about all this stuff i'm confused you scared me oh no i was

just telling you what i was gonna you know let's just oh my god oh my god well you have my number

My name's Terry, so just give me a call whenever you want to.

Okay, I'll call you when I'm not scared.

I have to go vomit.

I'm going to puke.

Last time I puked, I got it all over my shoes.

That was no fun.

Oh.

Terry, Terry.

I live by myself.

It's really mellow here by Moldo.

It's out in the country.

A creek in my backyard and stuff.

Got a nice creek there you can wash yourself.

Maybe we can wash each other.

Yes, but don't be carrying shit off or nothing like that.

No, I mean, I drink a little and stuff like that, but I'm not into any meth or anything like that.

Okay, okay.

That meth really scares me.

My cousin, he did meth, and his teeth are gone.

His eyes disappeared inside his head.

Oh, I have a brother that's on and off, on and off.

He's been clean for like the last five or six years, but that's people that I don't even mess with.

I know, I know.

People do meth, and it does all kinds of crazy things.

Like, I tried meth once, and it made my voice change into a man's voice.

Do you smoke weed?

Okay, well, I'll talk to you later.

Okay, love you.

Yeah, that scared him, finally.

Oh, boy.

That was good stuff.

Michelle might be a man.

That was funny, Michelle, man.

Shout out to Michelle.

That was funny.

Oh, my God, you're scaring me right now.

It's really hard to replicate her personality, because it's just all over the place.

You've got to be in a weird place, man.

But it's doable.

but yeah you got to really suspend a lot of stuff up there in the head um to do comcast

oh we got a twitter complainer we got some i'm gonna take a break uh because i got like

twitter complainers and stuff and i want to do that in the second part because i like some help

when i do that stuff um you know with more to cry do you want to stick around can you stick

around or you got to go here at the break i'm gonna be gone for like i gotta i gotta go get

some shut ass all right well hey man it's good to have you so you're gonna be doing shows back

Back on the network, starting soon.

Any day now this week, maybe, you're thinking?

Yes, I'm going to try tomorrow.

Cool.

If I don't get interrupted.

Cool.

I'll offline send you the password and whatever tonight, okay?

I should have it in the morning.

Sounds good.

All right, I'll see you later.

Thanks for being on, Tyler.

See you.

Thank you.

Tyler?

Milkman, are you here?

Milkman?

Are you muted?

I think Milkman's muted.

Poor Milkman, muted.

Doesn't know how to fix his shit all the time.

Always messing up with his shit.

it um i want to remind everyone that i am on tiny chat right now tinychat.com slash prank call

nation you can hit me up over there on the tiny chat and watch me do my thing um yeah so i'm going

to take that break that i've been aiming at i'm going to finish eating i got this nice steak

salad i didn't eat all of it at dinner um but i do have some some here that i'm going to dine on

right now so yeah like maybe six minutes or so i got more lonesome loser numbers coming in here

that's always a good sign we're gonna be okay don't worry um yeah we got a ride offered here

in little rock now we got some rides yeah empty cargo van uh ready to go and else oh and then we

also got a mover already in chicago ready for short or long distance hauls cool all right

Cool. So we got some shit to call.

We got some shit to call.

Dwight sending in numbers also.

Like I said, we got some Twitter

complainers, stuff like that.

That's exciting. So we got those to get to.

I'm sure we'll have a nice group here with us.

Milkman, are you there, man?

I'm going to restart

because I think my

calling app is down. So I'm going to restart

that during the break too here. Actually, I'll do that now.

And

hopefully

we get Milkman back here in a second.

uh but yeah we'll have some friends i saw um trainwreck was out there too which is good

trainwreck oh he went yellow now never mind he's away on skype he might not be here anymore i

added him in earlier he might have been able to join good to see you though trainwreck if you're

still listening in absentia um yeah so uh yeah i'll be back in just a moment folks don't go

go anywhere thank you listening to nation in the nation prank call nation radio will be back

but i hope that when you die put your gps in your box trapdoor at the bottom you die

you open up trapdoor at the bottom gps and you go straight this radio is back you are bigger than a

woman you are better than a woman with me behind you do not let a woman will ever ever make you

who you are every time you start doing calls it just goes quiet on my end i cannot hear you

anymore dude i don't know man i just i think i fixed it during the break i think i fixed it okay

but something's going on dude you know like i don't know man just ain't working on my head

yeah did you restart your phone yeah i did that a long time ago but that's not what's going on

it's on your end i'm kidding i'm kidding there's no audio coming to me it's just holding my phone

No, no, no, I said I think I fixed it, motherfucker.

All right?

Well, you better fix the motherfucker, Darren,

because, like, you know, there ain't no point in me holding on to a styrofoam thing.

Hold on to your dick.

No, I think I got it.

Motherfucker.

Excuse me, I think I got it.

Man, I'm burping.

All right, thank you.

No, thank you.

If you start cutting out and shit, I'll just bail and call me at the end, man.

I don't want to sit on hold if I can't hear the show.

I said I think I fixed it.

I said, I think I fixed it, all right?

Thank you.

Fucking Milkman's all wound up.

Yeah, Milkman's like, yeah, you got to get this shit fixed or I'm going to drop off.

And I come back.

That's what he said.

Well, I don't want to sit there on a hold, man.

If you want to call your brother's show, you don't want to feel like a Negro and sit there on a hold where everybody's having fun, do you know?

Indeed.

All right, let's continue with the show.

Where do we have numbers from?

Dwight sent in numbers.

Thank you, Dwight.

You're welcome.

That's very helpful.

We got some Twitter

complainers, but you know what? I want to do some

Indian. Do these Indians

have a history, or are they the ones from Saturday

that were being real angry?

No, different place.

Wasn't there one Saturday that was real funny?

Yeah, but I'm trying to remember where

the fuck they were.

Oh, man. There was that one that yelled

at you. The general was playing him back.

Oh, he was...

Shut up. He said, shut up.

That's what I told Morgan. Shut up. Shut up.

i gotta close the door my wife's gonna be mad at me hey sexy how you doing hey i'm gonna put

i'm gonna put dwight on the line he's sexier i'll be right back hey how you doing there i need to

uh make an order for pickup uh you got the chicken tikka masala all right let me get one of those

let me see here i'm gonna get some of that garlic naan that's some uh that's some good stuff uh

how many how many pieces come with that okay uh let me get uh you got the uh papa doms all right

them get the papa doms uh i think that's gonna do it i think uh that's what the order is gonna be

there well no i'm gonna come pick it up hey wait a minute you got uh you got some of that uh the

banchot stuff you got that that stuff banchot uh you got a you got an indian guy there maybe you

could run it by him real quick yeah well they say it's on like the secret menu stuff uh you said

normally if you request it they'll make it all right banchot banchot banchot yep i'm getting

and blank lips here oh okay uh yeah get that fucking order ready and then put it right up

your ass because i don't want that dirty shit all right all right you just grease your butthole up

with that yeah does it feel good is it nice and wet and hot oh yeah you want me kissing make it

all better just like your mama did oh that's fucking sick you're gross motherfucker you know

that yeah you will see me motherfucker fuck i hate it when they're all english didn't know

what the fuck that yeah it's like no no we don't know oh no i hate it when the english be doing

doing all that shit, man.

Well, when the Indian places

will be hiring the English speakers.

Fucking guayalos.

Guayalos?

What's that?

I don't know what that means.

Round eye.

Oh.

And what, Japanese or something?

Yeah, something like that.

Probably.

Got to get back to the number list here.

Okay.

What kind of Twitter complainers

do we have with these Comcast ones?

Can you explain the first one

whilst I copy-paste something?

There's a mixture of them.

But the first one,

something about the sound

They're having issues with the sound on all of our channels, and they're pretty pissed off

they tried rebooting the box, you know the typical fucking troubleshooting shit and

It has not worked

Is that the first one in Sarah? Yeah, but I think that's the biggest problem is she's a woman

Yeah, I will take care of that and tell her to check her ears milkman. Do you hear are you hearing us?

Was that did that work for you that one?

Yeah, I'm hearing it. That was fucking funny. That was a good ploy there.

Why didn't I nerd that one? It's a good way.

Yeah, I fixed it. I fixed it.

This software, sometimes it leaves a call in limbo.

Like, I'll hang up, and it says disconnected, and it just sits there.

It doesn't kick it out.

And thank you very much, Cheeto, for fixing my audio. Thank you so much.

I had to raise hell, but thank you.

I'm sorry. I know I had already fixed it on my own. I knew it was a problem.

Please leave your message for 64633.

I will call again.

Oh, wait, Neon. Neon, hey, did you connect?

Yeah, I do.

I can't tell because your background's white and the little dots are white.

What?

On your avatar.

At least on my end, when someone connects, it shows these three white dots going up and down.

But if whoever I'm trying to connect with has a white image on their avatar, it just blends in and I can't see it because I'm blind.

Let me change it.

Put a black girl profile.

Please leave your message for 646331.

That one's closer.

Alright, thank you.

okay mark instead here uh if nothing else knowing my cable bill could in some way help fund another

jurassic world movie is unconscionable i guess what he's complaining about the big bill who

i think part of like a pay-per-view like they did it with the american sniper if you purchase uh a

pay-per-view then a portion goes to something or other so i think that might be what they're

bitching about he's trying to be a little smart ass all right we'll take care of him

Hello?

Yeah, hi, this is Eddie with Comcast Universal.

I saw that you had a complaint regarding our corporation.

Yeah, I finally got to senior management, and we have a check coming out tomorrow.

Well, I'm actually calling the intercede.

We've canceled your technician going out, sir.

Why's that?

Well, I guess you broke your terms of service via some type of social media.

I think you had a tweet.

Well, our terms of service, we pay you guys.

I don't think that's accurate.

No, you have a EULA in the terms of service that you agree to when you use our service or internet, cable, television.

I've never heard that before.

What did I do wrong?

You probably, usually what happens is you, like a customer, make slanderous comments.

I said that I didn't enjoy Jurassic World.

Let's see.

All right, it says, if nothing else, knowing my cable bill could in some way help fund another Jurassic World movie.

It was unconscionable.

Unconscionable.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you spelled unconscionable wrong first

because it comes up with the red lines on there.

Oh, well, thank you. I'll delete that.

So you're threatening my service because I said something bad on Twitter?

No, I'm not threatening your service.

Actually, you already broke the terms of service.

Well, our service is broken right now.

Yeah.

But it hasn't worked all day.

Well, we're going to be putting in a hard disconnect here

probably by the next 30 minutes or so.

There will be a complete disconnect of your service

for breaking of the terms of service,

and we'll need any equipment you have.

It looks like you have a modem and a DVR box.

Wait a minute.

You're shutting off our service?

Oh, he hung up.

Oh, that was heading to a good place.

Tell him you shut it off mid-call.

Where did he go?

That would be funny if it un-accidentally disconnected.

He's like, motherfucker did it right now!

Hello?

Yes, sir, I'm sorry.

I think my associate in the voice department

accidentally turned off your voice service.

I told him to hold off.

Go ahead, you were saying?

No, I just don't understand.

I've never agreed to anything like that.

And the account isn't even in my name, so I don't understand.

Well, I guess if you're on a Comcast Xfinity IP address

when you made this message, probably that's how,

yeah, because everything is filtered.

All the Internet traffic, like any tweets and messages you say,

they do get filtered for content?

So if someone says something bad about the service,

you can shut them off?

Per the terms of service, yes.

Yes, at that point, if you break...

But that was never...

When did we agree to this?

You broke arbitration rules.

You're supposed to bring in a third-party arbitrator

in order to proceed before you just come out

and say something like that.

So you are in...

Yeah.

Because I said something about Jurassic World?

Yeah, that is a Universal...

I guess it's a...

Yeah, it is a Universal product, and we're...

This is...

You know, anything NBC, Universal, Comcast,

any of the Universal Studios theme parks,

we're all under the same umbrella of company now.

This seems really extreme.

Is this a prank someone's playing on me?

No, no, sir.

I assure you this is not a prank or a joke.

Your service, I can, if you want me to put you through to my supervisor, he can explain

a whole thing to you.

I'd like that.

There you go, please.

Thank you.

Just a moment.

Good

evening, this is Dwight.

I'm sorry, who are you?

My name is Dwight.

Can you tell me anything about my Comcast account, please, so I know that this is legit?

I'll be more than happy to help you with that.

Cross, did you verify this account?

Yes, it is verified, yes.

The account's verified? Okay.

Sir, what is your name? What can I address you as?

Well, I'm sorry, please tell me something about my account, please.

Tell something about your account, all right?

Yeah, so that I can verify that you're in Comcast.

From what I see here on the account, it looks as if your name is Mark.

Last name is kind of difficult.

I don't want to murder it.

But you currently have our service in Illinois, is that correct?

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Yep, can you tell us the address that I received service at?

Mr. Dwight, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, give me just a moment.

My subordinate is trying to give me some information here.

That caller that I checked, that asshole, I did not verify his account.

There was no verification of the account?

My bad.

Okay. No, I would have to verify the account to make sure that you are who you say you are for security purposes.

I hope you understand, because we don't want other people getting a hold of your information.

Yeah, but I just don't understand how someone tweets something that you can shut off service.

We've been paying for the service. Your service actually doesn't work.

Oh, okay, so you want service disconnected. Did my associate help you with that?

No, I did not. Someone's threatening me because I said a bad tweet about throughout the world.

You sent out a tweet. Okay, hang on a second.

second uh where was this did you send something to our social media department uh i just said

at comcast care because that's the only way i can get service from you guys right uh what popped up

on my screen here is uh a tweet uh let's see it's for your account it popped up a phone number it's

the name is uh it looks like gravy boat i'm assuming that's you uh no that's not me at all

Are you sure?

No, not us.

Okay.

Well, it says, if nothing else, knowing that my cable bill could in some way be help,

or I'm sorry, could in some way help fund another Jurassic World movie is unconscionable.

Now, is that something you sent Comcast Cares?

That sounds really funny, but I don't think I did that.

Okay.

And then there was a follow-up.

And I find it really coincidental that this person's name is Mark also.

So this says right on here at Comcast Cares, you can go F yourself.

I don't want to use the foul language that was used.

I don't think I've ever, I don't think there's a single F while I'm on there.

Well, we were able to, well, I'm sorry, how would you know this?

You said this isn't you.

No, I found his website and his blog and everything.

I was starting to feed you the info.

Yeah, I was going to hit him with that.

You know, it came from your IP address, motherfucker.

That was quick, Dwight.

You're like, well, how would you know?

I was totally thinking that, too.

You just totally fucking denied

that was you, son of a bitch.

Another denial.

Should I? I'll try them again.

What's the poor choices show?

Your call has been forwarded to an automated

voice messaging system.

Don't call me no more.

All right.

Paul here

wants us to call him about a beautiful room

room for rent for 350 dollars it's a san diego home of the mexicans neon would you like to call

oh of course why wouldn't i no you were just next i swear you had beaner food tonight let's go

hey um hi looking at your ad for a room for rent oh the room has been taken oh no for real i know

yeah i'm so sorry oh no do you have any other things for rent um no the joe i just had the

the room for rent and it's taken i had a lot of people calling me oh um you know did the person

already move in um no uh could i could i wrestle them for the room um you should probably kick

their butt for the room hell yeah so whoever wins can we have the room um yeah that's good

uh but i'm not i'm not i'm not responsible for anyone's injuries or anything like that

is it a female uh it's a male oh even better that would be awesome yeah i like to do um

Jello-fighting and med-fighting, so it might be kind of cool.

I'm sorry about that.

Dude, everyone's been taken.

Nude oil wrestling.

Jello-fighting sounds whack because it just melts, you know?

I always like yelling at those people.

They don't have the common courtesy to go fucking take the goddamn ad down.

You do hate that, Dwight.

You do bring that up a lot.

I know.

Dwight gets mad.

He's like, take it off.

You're wasting my time.

I've got a show to do.

It's true, though.

We've got a show to do.

Well, you see, somebody did that the other day.

I think it was yesterday.

and instead of deleting the ad they just put taken in the ad they edited the fucking subject

to put taken instead of just taking the goddamn thing even that that's helpful right yeah now

the ad's still up yeah well like on my swap shop one they'll do a second ad the one that i hit up

and it'll say like thank you and it's taken god bless you that's what it usually says

it's a christian radio station that i do so they're all about that uh five hundred dollars

is a 110-square-foot

home. Furnished room for female

and cute home. That neon, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

That was the guy you're answering.

Let me do it.

I love this.

Well, this is Angie. You've reached

760-5...

I always get called Angela.

It's not a good thing.

There was this racist-ass grocery manager, the grocery store

I worked at as a kid. He kept calling me Jose.

It's like, oh, every time he'd say, like,

hey, Jose, oh, I'm sorry.

i don't know why i call you that he did it on purpose i think like i think it was doing on

purpose to be racist and he would immediately say oh i'm sorry i'm sorry this is angie you

preach seven oh shit three two oops oops yeah i knew he was doing it on purpose

motherfucker you oh wait i didn't hang up on milkman i just put him on hold yay

how do i hold him like that no it's recording oh it's stuck on hold there we go milkman you

you there hello i mean orange crush for real buddy yeah crushing delicious hey milkman uh the

it's doing that shit again on the the call app here it's my fault because if i i screwed it up

when i hung up on someone they got stuck now so if it does thank you for bringing me back i

appreciate it if it doesn't now let me know and i'll restart the app it takes me 10 seconds to

fix it but just let me know i'm being lazy well i have to call you back if i restart it i have

not to they can't hear me all right i'll give you if i drop off then there you are i'm gonna

restart it after this i'll just restart after this call all right milkman wears lipstick and

smokes on chronic fitness hello yeah hey uh you got some puppies for sale oh good uh how many

puppies you have i have to make a big stew a big what i'm trying to get some puppies several

puppies yeah to make what you said a stool this is not a joke why are you calling at this time

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I said a stew.

Oh, my God.

She's going to make up puppy tales.

She thought I said stool.

I said stew, first of all.

She hung up while she was yelling stew.

I love her when they do that.

When they get that pissed.

Motherfucker, you.

Did you hear last night these people were selling chickens?

I'll tell you after the break.

Selling chickens?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I was calling about the perpies.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, they have a $200 rehoming fee?

Okay, what would you like to know about the puppies?

Well, how old are they, first of all?

How old are they?

No, I'm not.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh my god.

He dutifully listens to his wife.

They were selling chickens, and I told them I wanted to buy the chickens.

That I need them to train for my next boxing match against Apollo Creed.

and like the lady

had no idea who fucking Apollo Creed was

and I said I was going to hang it upside

down and I was going to fucking practice punching

the chicken and chasing the chicken

around

I was going to chase the chicken

around in my sweatsuit and stuff

fucking

they're like no

they're not for that and it says right in the end like they're ready

to be your dinner but they object to me

like beating the fuck out of the chicken

yeah it's the same shit

You want to let the chicken know it has a chance first, right?

Yeah, at least you're, like, you know, giving the chicken a chance to maybe peck you real quick and run away and get away.

It still has that 1% chance.

If you just kill it and eat it.

Yeah, let's kill it and eat it.

Yeah, short life.

Well, I guess if you eat it, then it's going back into the earth.

It goes into you and you eat it and you shit it out.

It goes back into the earth and becomes part of Mother Earth again.

Maybe that's why.

Delicious.

But that would happen eventually to the punching chicken also, right?

It's going to decompose somewhere.

It's not going to live forever.

Do you still have that number, Dwight?

Oh, do the chickens know?

Oh, I'm going to choke that chicken.

Fuck those chickens.

Amy is a Time Warner complainer.

She says it varies.

If they never know, they normally wait.

And if it doesn't come back, we troubleshoot.

That's their answer.

Time Warner said, well, okay.

I'll do it.

Straight out of concepts.

Hey, you've reached Amy.

Here comes the...

We've reached for Amy.

All right, after this call, I'll reset it, Milkman,

because I don't want to lose you here in the shuffle.

You hear me?

Just pick the behind.

All right, Milkman, I'm calling you back

because I have to restart the machine, okay?

Bye.

We'll figure it out.

Just a moment, please.

So anyway, what's going on?

What are you guys up to?

Dwight, we got to set a draft date, I guess.

Yeah, fucking preseason start today.

the uh oh shit did it you know the uh vikings and fuck else was playing what was your dad i

forget who else was playing your mom was playing probably well i guess it wasn't the lions because

you know about that oh they play thirsty how many years gonna be cecil or cecil or whoever that is

cecil i see cecil everyone was saying cecil and i'm like no it's cecil cecil cecil the lion oh

Oh, they got shot?

Oh, I get it.

That's a loose one, actually.

It's okay.

It's all right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be rude.

Let's do another call.

Let me go back to the numbers.

My bad.

So Amy's a Comcast complainer where she didn't answer, so let's move on.

My bad.

Next is the puppy lady again.

Fuck it.

I want to call back.

See if she calls the answers.

The one that just got mad?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll talk to her.

Okay.

I got to call Milkman back after that, too.

Please leave your message for 6196231.

There you go.

You got ten combinations to figure out there.

Kids, maybe you can find it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I put some more Craigslist ones in there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And that one you were trying to dial.

It had a letter O in it, and I took out the letter O and replaced the zero, and it's still there.

Oh, never mind.

Maybe I still had copy paste problems.

I think it was missing a digit.

You said this came from Steven Aspenberger's wall, right?

Mm-hmm.

He's sick. He's sick in the head.

What?

What are you talking about?

Is he in there?

I don't know. He probably is.

I missed my chance.

Alright.

Enough ringing, Milkman. Come on, pick up the phone.

I'm sorry. The person you are trying

to reach has a voicemail box that has not been

set up yet. Please, try your call

again later. We'll do that.

That's probably Milkman with a customer.

Come on while I break a plastic bag with my teeth.

Oh my god, what are you doing?

Opening a plastic bag, obviously.

What's in the plastic bag?

Bread.

Nice.

Liquid bread.

Matthew Weisfield says,

This is United plane is here and they won't let me on.

Did it get booted up?

Well, not booted, but what is when they overbook a plane?

Yeah.

You know, there is a formula.

I think most of the airlines do overbook planes on a regular basis

based on a formula that comes from statistics.

statistics basically that they know for a fact like certain types turns of the year at least one

or two people will miss their plane no matter what so they always overbook it so that they can

maximize you know on the busiest routes and the busiest times of year so christmas thanksgiving

they're banking on that you're going to get there and you're going to miss your flight

and most of the time indeed someone misses a flight and you know no one is the wiser right

crazy and then they still charge you to like oh you're late huh we're gonna charge you

fuck that's crazy i'm not that well versed with all the traveling with i've never missed a plane

i've never missed a plane how do you miss a plane flight how lazy are you to miss a plane flight

well you know the one time the one time i actually did get on a plane and actually traveled was out

of the country and just being delayed did it go to hell almost i went to england i'm sorry the

person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet no i saw um

Nine Inch Nails.

I was talking to Awkward about that.

Saw Henry Rollins.

Saw Josh Holm from the Queens of Stone Age.

And it's his face.

Simon Cowell was on our flight.

Oh, yeah?

Cool.

It was like this horrible flight.

Well, he was in first class, right?

You're probably right.

This is horrible.

Oh, this is terrible.

I thought he'd be on a plane.

Well, I guess you can't really private flight across the pond, can you?

Yeah, no.

It was a 15-hour flight from LAX to Heathrow.

I mean, I think unless you rent the whole plane, you're pretty much, you got to fly.

Yeah, you got to fly commercial.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know, because he was like already kind of famous, but this was like probably like 10 years ago.

So, you know.

Well, American Idol.

American Idol's been out since 2000.

So he's been famous.

Well, he does the British one or something now.

Yeah, he was famous in Britain before he was famous in the States.

So he had to have been known somewhere.

I'm sure he wasn't in coach.

I'm sure he was not in coach.

First class.

oh yeah he was in first class all the way i always try to sneak in and get that 25 first class

update to upgrade the the day of the flight and i always hit it and i love it it's so worth it

because the lounge if you're going international the lounge is worth it because when i go to puerto

rico it's considered international and i can chill in the lounge oh wow i usually get i have a small

airport here and i take a connecting flight to either newark or philly and i can chill in the

lounge usually i have like a two-hour layover after a 30-minute flight so like i straight up

chill in the lounge and you can get like uh you can take a shower if you want you can take a nap

they got like food they get free drinks and beer and stuff and you get free drinks on the flight

you know and it's worth it there so yeah i'm gonna have to remember that because i'm going

uh this time next year i'll be in europe for a little bit i know a lot of people just try to

get away with it like a lot of people give free upgrades all the time like free upgrades like not

because they're points members or nothing but they say we just ask and sometimes they say yeah

I was like, hey, you got any free upgrades?

Can you upgrade me?

What do you fly out to get to Puerto Rico?

The last time I flew was U.S. Airways.

No, the last flight I took to PR was Continental out of here.

No, I took Continental there and U.S. Airways back.

I had a layover in Charlotte on the way back.

I never had a layover before.

That was the shit.

It was so boring on an airport.

It was so fucking small.

I was like, what is this?

Like, oh, I left a regional airport that's bigger than this.

I was like, whoa, this sucks.

Yeah, it had, like, one decent, like, little restaurant bar there.

But other than that, it was pretty underwhelming.

It was nothing to do.

I was, like, freaked when I went.

Because I had never been on a plane.

And then, obviously, I go international.

I'm, like, scared out of my wits.

And then when we come back, we had this two-hour, like, you know, delay in England.

And they're like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, by the way, all the main electrical panels are not working.

I'm like, this is the plane that's going to be 15 hours over the ocean.

I'm like, I'm scared.

Thank you for flying.

Yeah, exactly.

Happy hauling.

They were English, so that was okay.

Mexican, but we've got to stop talking.

Mexican Bob White's quail quail.

Quail quails for rehoming.

All right, so they're selling some quails.

Great.

We've got to eat those motherfuckers, you know?

Make some pheasant.

Squab, that's what it is.

Squab, isn't that a quail dish?

it's like a little quail in a bag

quail in a bag

you cook it in this kind of bag thing

it's like a little quail

but it's really hard to get right

because it's always supposed to be

like really

it looks bloody but it's not

it's cooked through but it's just really super juicy

because you cook it in a bag

but it's really hard

it's one of the harder

it's a difficult dish to make because to get it right

you gotta really know your stuff

the way you're cooking it

to make sure you're not

and it's really easy to fuck it up

and overcook it too

my dad used to cook pheasant and quail

and stuff

is that what it's called

let me look it up

I know I've seen squab on TV competitions

and he explained why it's so difficult

he just put like a lot of red wine

and stuff

it's some kind of baby pigeon

and doves

in Puerto Rico some people eat

like pigeon soup and my mom's like that's disgusting you're gonna get hepatitis why

would you do that that's disgusting my mom would just say oh i'm like dad what's dad eating for

dinner because my dad liked to cook my mom cooked and stuff too and my mom's like oh your dad's

eating birdie tonight it's gross man because pigeons are like just flying rats they're worse

than crows no not pigeons yeah but i'm saying in puerto rico they did that pigeon soup oh the

pigeons that hang out by the church you like throw i guess rock to them and catch them i don't know

know how you do it but you catch pigeons somehow sopa de paloma that's what it is oh yeah we make

some sopa de paloma like i fucked that my dad would um burn the feathers off in the front yard

on the grass we'd say the kuklis clan came oh it's been forwarded to it well you gotta burn

the feathers for it burn the feathers off so you don't have to sit there and pick them off it's

just easier to come off like that idea well you're not gonna cook it with the feathers on

yeah but you get the feathers off you boil it you put in the boiling water they get the rest

of the feathers off the pin feathers yeah you don't know well they were already dead it's not

like they were alive when he was burning it and stuff yeah but it's his opinion that'd be burning

well i guess for flavor maybe you're doing that i don't know i don't know i never ate it so i don't

know what is he burning it with like a propane tank or something what's he gonna fire you i don't

honestly i don't know i just saw the after effects it looked like you know might as well have a

burning cross there too probably tastes like plywood and shit i don't know don't you people

People know how to pluck fucking bird feathers, like chicken feathers and stuff.

They're not as big, though.

They're small.

They're small birds.

You take your time a little bit.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box.

Yeah, yeah.

We've been getting a lot of that tonight, Dwight.

I mean, you're not saying it's your fault.

Oh, I didn't.

It's been a rough night.

I had a shitload of it yesterday, too.

It's not prank call season right now, that's why.

Aww.

Baby pig.

Yeah, I think my people have just gone for the summer.

I am picking up the phone.

It's too hot.

Dude, it was so hot today.

I went to the liquor store, like, to get something to drink.

And there were people complaining that the candy was melting.

Oh, shit.

And I was like, dude, your candy's melting.

And they're like, the owner won't pay for the air conditioning.

I'm like, dude, there was somebody trying to grab, like, a bunch of Hershey bars.

And they were, like, melting in his hand.

How much candy did they ruin for that idea?

It was like, fuck the candy.

We'll take a loss on the candy.

The AC's going to cost more.

I don't know about that.

I don't know.

He's probably just waiting to get rid of that stupid candy

That Mark guy deleted his tweet

He knows he broke the terms of service

The toss

He took it down just to keep his service

Baby piglets

Micro mini teacup pigs

Piggy's piggy pocket pigs

That's very cute

In the inland empire

Oh god, ghetto

Is that like the ghetto in LA?

Yeah

Where's Compton that's South Central, right?

Hey, I'm trying to talk to you. Hello. Hey, you have some baby pigs. Yeah. Yeah

I was looking to get some of them. Are they like for like breeding eating or like for pets?

What kind or teacup pigs right there? Just pet pig. No, you should you shut up. I told me to shut up

Oh, no one told you to shut up, you idiot.

Okay, but now I'm telling you to shut up.

Fuck you.

Holy shit, she was loud.

Yeah, she was telling him to shut the doors so the air didn't get out.

And Carole was like, don't tell me, now shut up.

I know what she said, I just wanted to tell her.

Call that bitch back.

Call her back, yeah.

Maybe Dwight get at her.

Maybe holla at her.

I'll change the caller ID.

Holla, holla, holla, holla, holla.

Holla, holla.

Let me change the caller ID to local.

Tell her you want to see her inland empire.

Shoot.

gonna kill you and rape you lost exile in the irc says that lady needs some dick to calm down

yes and she sounds like a bitch bring her blood pressure down a little bit she's a bitching

hello yeah i was uh calling about a craigslist ad which one uh something about some uh pet pigs

my daughter sent it to me did i just talk to you a minute ago i just got off work and i checked my

email so i'm trying to make the call now okay yeah she's got a birthday coming up so she'd

sent me something out of control rude i'm sorry so oh i just got off the phone with somebody about

the pigs who was like out of control rude so i wasn't sure if that was you because sounded

kind of like you um anyway i'm really sorry i did just sell my last uh piglet oh then why is the

end up you stupid fucking bitch oh i knew it was the same pile of trash it's a different person

but you're a fucking cunt take the head down no no you know what this is the same fucking person

No, it's not, you dumb bitch.

I'm the person.

You're so stupid.

I fucking dare you to come down here.

You have no fucking idea who the fuck I am

and you have no idea what the fuck I'll do to you.

I'm going to rip your fucking body in half, bitch.

Who you is?

You think you're going to fuck with me?

You're going to fuck with me?

I'm going to rip your fucking head off.

Who you is?

I think it's Michelle's sister.

Hey, bitch, are you having postpartum

since you just sold your last pig?

That's Michelle's smartier, bitchier sister.

i'll rip your body in half i'll rip your body in half i'll split your fucking face wide open

i'll fucking rip your lips off your face get that 50 cent walgreens beer

obvious

You got nothing better to do?

It sounds like we hit the line.

Ready, listen.

No.

Ready, go.

She got us.

Got him.

She fell a little short there.

George is right.

Or not George, but Evil Ideas.

There could have been a kiss my pussy coming out of her mouth at any second.

Kiss my pussy.

I miss blog talk, Dwight.

You're going to have to start doing blog talk.

Kiss my pussy.

I'm going to have the colorific back to do it.

Isn't it online?

Well, Dashie's on vacation.

I'm going to have him around in order to use it.

Oh, gotcha.

Since he accidentally erased the web-based one.

hello are you that fucking bored skin life please i'm sorry we're sorry

yeah that's where this is where it was going that's where it's going let me answer idiot

god damn it i'm gonna be as loud as holy shit

oh my god

she's like you're trying to fuck one of my things

yeah well that's where it was going

oh my god why did she even bring that up

that's creepy

it actually was where I was going to go

Bob Matt says

he q-tips the blood out of his ears

sorry Matt

in Texas

we have a Comcast complainer who says

Comcast where you pay for high speed

and get dial up speeds

My fans can't even hear your apology

You're going to have to sign it in tiny chat

Sorry

Thank you, Tommy

Carlito signs it

It's okay

Can you save that number?

Save the number?

I'll save it

Dwight will

I will save it

Nope

I wanted to call him

Thank you for calling

You've reached Corey at HRQ

It's Corey Unsecured

Joe

J-O

probably a woman united airlines true to form plane barely late into lax from toronto

connecting flight didn't wait no food voucher zilch just a shrug oh

so they're hungry

they probably smell so are they stuck in lax where they have in the check

really late into la okay so they're in lax what is there a like a main restaurant there

like sometimes they have something where i can tell them we got you some

vouchers at the applebee's go there now they'll feed you tell them to go to the ruby's diner

yeah is there one there all right there was last time i went i'll tell them they can go there

watch them eat and everything watch them get seated and eat and like oh it's under uh joe

Oh, J-O.

All right, let's try.

Dwight, are you down for that?

Dwight?

Yeah, I'm down.

I'm here.

All right.

Well, fuck, we're going to fuck them really good.

You should call the Ruby's Diner and tell them to expect that I just posted the number.

All right.

If we get through.

Hang on, hang on.

I don't care what they're going to tell me.

Thank you for calling the California Psychological Association.

Our offices are closed at this time.

Our usual office hours are from 830.

I guess this is working.

Yeah.

Friday.

That helps.

Unless someone can find a cell phone number for her, we'll move on.

Well, luckily we have one last Comcast one here.

Trip Crosby in Georgia.

Hey, Comcast, how do I skip the reset your modem recording and get actual help with my internet speed?

All right.

He's probably gotten through to someone by now.

But I just like the idea of saying, well, sorry, we're canceling everything now.

You went to Twitter and fucked that up, didn't you?

Got impatient.

patient it seems i always do i always happen to do this to people who are like semi-bloggers who

are like you're like oh we i got you now your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice

message system six seven i got you now i'm gonna record this like the guy that put it on soundcloud

on your show dwight that shit was funny that guy was great holy shit he's like i got this guy

putting him on soundcloud the whole world's gonna hear i think dwight stepped away though

I was just looking at a couple things on YouTube.

The Twins TV that I was telling you about, they had some hilarious shit like how to win fights in the hood

when they were challenging black guys to a fight and they're pulling their fucking pants down

trying to fight them naked and shit and black guys were taking off.

That does it.

Like, fuck that shit.

Yeah, well, the first video, they were like full out fucking naked, like dick swinging and shit.

Like, dude, black dudes fucking were just taking off.

off and uh they did another one where but they had like thongs like out like elephant fucking

thongs in the front so like you know their dicks like the nose and stuff and like a black dude

would just take off well they did another one which was hilarious uh they would come running

around the corner they did this in white and black neighborhoods so you can run by the white

guys you know the cops are coming they throw a bag at them with like a bunch of white powder in it

the white dudes they would just fucking like ignore it and just kind of look at people freak

out like he's trying to plant evidence on me and they're like oh what the fuck's going on there and

then they went to like a black neighborhood and they come running around the corner

god come and fucking throw the like powder the bag of powder to the black dudes fucking black

guys take off running with them and shit oh man there's this one dude i don't know if it's the

same guy but he did um oh these two guys i forget their names now i'm sure people know

He goes at the people that are walking around

sagging their jeans or their pants

and he pulls them up.

He runs and pulls them up.

He's like, yo, you're disrespecting the streets.

He gets hit.

It's like, it's just a prank every time.

He's like, it's just a prank.

This guy's crazy.

Or he'll just snatch a black dude's phone

and say, I want to check the timeout.

Like that.

He's the one that I was copying the other day

because he'll ask someone a question like,

like do you know how to get to the starbucks and the guy will yeah you go down here and take a left

it's like hey don't ever tell me what the fuck can do until like what like are you like some

dudes are actually getting ready to fight him over this like man you just ask like yeah but

that's funny he pulls up the pants of some black dude and a gun falls out in one of them yeah and

the funniest thing he did like there was just like this group of black people sitting down

at some benches outside, and he just goes up

to this one big

black guy, and he goes, yo, look at this

fat-ass nigga here.

And everyone starts

getting up to beat his ass, and he

goes, why are you fucking talking to my ex-girlfriend?

Yo, Shaquanda, what's up?

And they all go after him,

and it's the chick that he yells that at

that actually beats him up.

Click that link

real quick, Carlito. Go to the 25-second

mark and just look at 30 seconds of this

shit like you'll you'll fucking die is it gonna sound good on air oh yeah it's gonna sound good

at the 25 second mark

oh my god that is funny

he gets hit right there and then he takes his shirt and pants down

the guy runs away from him but he lets himself get hit first

i gotta remember that move if i'm about to get like beat up if i'm like caught i'm in a bad

situation i'm gonna take my clothes off what do you have to lose at that point there's like two

instances of it but it's uh well everyone takes your shirt off the shirt off thing is just like

all right let's do this the you take the pants off like okay that's weird i was watching um

shout out to michael laylee um i was watching like skate skaters versus haters and like

skateboarders like having to kind of just own their thing and um there was um like mike valeli

is like obviously he's a skater and he he's like kind of like the robin hood of the skater so he'll

go out there and pcs like security guards like messing with like little kids and stuff he'll

go out there and just fucking knock people out there's a video there's some on youtube where

he like fucking beats up four guys at once yeah okay and uh but no there was one of them where

like they're like asshole adults that are like picking on kids that are skateboarders you know

it's like get out of here you're my tax dollars play this blah blah and one guy he just you know

the shirt you have to take the shirt off because they'll pull it over you and then just start

hitting you and then you can't see anything so my cousin said he got into a fight in high school

in puerto rico he said that the guy started taking his shirt off and the minute he had it over his

head like right on his head he started like wailing on him and like kicked his ass really

bad broke his teeth so he's like yeah that's what you gotta do because we're gonna be badass

take the shirt off fuck it just take them out right there fuck it it's like you gotta just

just last in a fight you gotta have that stamina but that's whoever's crazier wins that's a dirty

fire thing though like if you have honor and you're like all right i allow you to take my

you know just start hitting someone no but who fights with honor look at ice is right

i don't know i can't get any fights after that nose surgery i'm like nope

fucking kill you i was gonna hit a bitch if i five if i got hit in the nose especially like

still right now fuck no can't do it nobody hit the face of you i can't find who this was i was

doing this prank that i was talking about to share with you and everyone else um i see if i

guess vitality did a version of it but vitality didn't do the ones that i'm talking about but

there is vitality he's out there i don't know if you guys know who vitality is he does pranks

on youtube there's a there's a video of him in a porno like one of those uh fuck like one of those

fuck bands you know like like the bing brothers yeah that's yeah but he i guess he couldn't get

hard and but his friend that was with him did and but he was like he could have reported i think it

was on e-fucked or something i saw that i was like oh yeah i was like oh you should that sucks

if it can't get hard poor dumb guy it was before his youtube stuff i guess he did it so when he

takes it i guess he takes in his drive like if you ask him i think snoop yeah he was he was on

snoop's blog show and snoop asked him about it he took it in stride he was real cool about it

yeah all right more prank calls here's the jiraj jiraj mahal cafe and lounge i like what they did

with that so indian restaurant so to say dwight would you like to do the indian restaurant sure

sure yeah okay

i need to make an order 12 the yg answer the phone motherfucker

piece of shit you know you make me a fucking order since you're fucking up my night what

are you giggling about you're giggling like a little bitch sorry yeah this is dwight what

What are you mumbling about?

Come on.

Take my order, dick lips.

It wasn't supposed to be funny.

I'm hungry.

I was dying because I was giggling to you.

You giggle like a bitch of all shit.

I forgot to mute it.

Wow.

I found that YouTube sub.

Mr. Whoever in the chat room.

Mr. L.

It's in there.

Look up Mr. L.

Find the channel for you.

Yay.

It's what?

You can find it.

have you have you guys seen the one where the um there's like a very like a hot looking 20 or

something little chick and she's they were doing it in spring break she was at the beach laying out

and she would ask guys like can you rub lotion on my back and my legs and they're like oh yeah

sure and she'd be like oh she'd say like yeah we should go somewhere and you know

you know fuck or whatever but then she would say like yeah but it was a problem i have a dick

and they would always freak out and she had she had like uh her bikini like she would turn up she

would turn over and you could see like she had stuffed her bikini bottom yeah with like uh like

a fake bulge yeah like a bulge and sometimes she would just flip over and be like what's that like

when they got to the legs you know she's like oh yeah that's that's you know that's my dick

what's that she's like she says like yo you know we can just show each other and the

Like, everyone's like, hell no, I gotta go, I gotta go.

I wonder if it's the same, is it kind of like a stockier guy that does it, or a little skinny guy?

It was just a chick, and then they also did one where she was farting, and they were spraying, like, fart spray, so it smelled really bad.

So she's like, she was having the guys do the lotion on her, and then they were playing, like, a fart app, like they had a fart machine under her.

I've seen that one.

and the fun i've had with fart spray oh god well there's there's some stuff called liquid

ass that's been going around oh god yeah that apparently is really fucking bad like it's it's

horrible i remember uh yeah i went to a fucking less sam goody when those fucking things were

popular and they had uh they had fucking shit laying around like little uh little items yeah

there was a fucking can of spray of the fart spray yeah and uh i went with like two of my

my other buddies they didn't see that i had fucking bought it so i'm in the front seat of

the car and i i have this shit unwrapped and we're all sitting in there and i just i just

fucking let us oh my god who the fucking shit their pants and like they're flipping the fuck

out and i'm fucking dying laughing they're rolling the windows down the air shit out

oh thank christ roll shit back i wait like two more minutes

Motherfucker

What are you doing there

And I'm like

That's not me

Oh my god

I used to

They used to sell

Like the little capsules

That you could break

On the floor

Oh yeah

Or the

The little vials

And yeah

Where I used to buy them

Like first off

Like the flea market

There was a guy

That had a shop there

There was always like

Three or four shops

That had them

And I would buy

The little vials

And you just like

It's just like

A little dropper

And you drop like

Two or three drops

In a room

And you could

Clear it the fuck out

it was just a real bad sulfur smell it's like a sulfur smelling salt kind of thing oh man

rotten eggs yeah oh god so yeah they used to um they used to sell it there's this little

like touristy strip area in orlando and they had a magic shop and they sold them there

and i bought them once and i was using them and the other stores there and i cleared out like two

of them and then like you know like i remember like maybe a little while later like we went

there again and i asked so do you have the stink bombs like oh no we got rid of them because people

were like they were they were using one we were getting complaints that people were using them in

the stores they're like oh okay yeah you go to the halloween shops they have them in bags and

there's like a little water capsule and you just break it and throw it and like it inflates the

fucking uh bag and it pops open and then you just have that smell the halloween company and me and

this other guy we were just fucking around we weren't working so we went to the halloween shop

and uh we go into the back part where the parts department is and we just opened the door

fucking popped the capsule and threw the bag in and uh the fucking parts goes oh my god what is

that fucking smell like we had deniability because we threw the shit in there and then we walked

around to the front entrance and came through there i don't know what the fuck's going on

That shit stinks.

We used to have, in high school,

boys would throw them into the girls' locker room

so they would run out and be like,

you know, half naked.

Oh, man.

Hey, Neon, did you happen to see one of my webcam pranks

where we caught a guy jacking his dick?

No.

Yeah.

We were up on a filing cabinet

and he had like three or four monitors set up.

I'm like, what's going on?

He's watching porn.

porn and like there's literally this just chick fucking fingering herself and you can see his

shoulder moving he was just fucking jacking his dick like it's like nobody's business and i go

oh fuck yeah no you didn't oh yeah right through the camera and he fucking like

they perked up he's looking around trying to figure out where the fuck that came from

i thought he would have thought it was in the porn but yeah yeah but he looks like the kind

of old guy that has problems so he was probably really working on it for a while because it

It looked like it was finally getting there, you know, and then Dwight, with that shit

parvo, like, made him lose his boner.

Fucked it up, man.

Blue Balder, man.

I've been working for an hour to get this thing going.

Oh, God.

He looks like that, like, you know, he's like, I gotta watch it.

He's got it, like, really big on his screen, like a giant pussy being fingered.

He's like, yeah, I gotta do everything I can.

I'm gonna do everything I can.

It's almost there, guys.

He did fucking Dwayne.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

I was like, ah, shit.

I would have been like, keep going, buddy, yeah.

Well, I thought maybe he wouldn't catch on so quick.

Maybe he thought it was in the porn.

But no, he went straight to the fucking camera and yanked that fucker the power cord right out.

Oh, shit.

George asked if that was his cam.

Then there's this naked European swinger threesome going on.

What?

They were just sitting around watching drama, like a drama TV show, right, Dwight?

Yeah.

There was three of them.

They were sitting on this L-shaped couch.

there was two women and a man and they were all just fucking assed out naked watching tv

and uh so like i start saying shit and they're laughing i'm like talking to people like you know

one of these people has to get up and turn this fucking camera off right next next thing we know

we see the fucking guy slink over the woman and walk up to the camera and just fucking just big

fucking screen full of cock right in the camera giant uncut uncut european chode oh he had his

his ball bag all fucking pierced

like three or four times over.

And he's like an old dude and his ball sack

is pierced, man. It's like, what the fuck?

Would you rather have the ball sack

pierced or the head of the dick

pierced? No, I don't want the head.

It seems like it messes up your piss flow.

None of it? No.

If you had a choice. If I had a choice, the ball sack.

Be easy. Okay, I don't know.

There's not a lot of feeling in the ball sack, I don't think.

There's not a lot of nerve endings.

Well, definitely less than in your dick head.

For God's sake.

it's so creepy i listened to this podcast and one it's the risk show podcast and it's like people

tell true stories and shit this guy was talking about how he uh he was a piercer he used to be a

piercer and this guy came in he was a freak and he wanted his ball sack pierced or his like his

tank basically appears oh and like he ejaculated when the guy like pierced it like he was really

into it and he came like like a gallon all over the place the guy was saying yeah he's just telling

him a story and like that was the most horrible job he had he's like here i am with this nasty

guy and his spread eagle in front of me and he's all like grinning and he has a heart on while i'm

doing this oh my god i should be charging him more he's saying like something's not right here

yeah oh yeah he's at the end he's like i really probably should have charged him more you know

there was a guy here in town and he's he's like a pretty decent piercer i haven't had anything

pierced by him but i have some friends that have and um he was saying that he was uh piercing the

clit of an 83 year old woman whoa and i'm like oh my god he's like yep that just it's my job

i'm like oh my god that's some hardcore i mean you know you must love your job if you're gonna

do that right petra hookah lounge hookah

olga's saying some pretty decent or having some pretty decent jokes

in the IRC.

Yeah, that's the Hookah Lounge.

Do you do different flavor blends?

Sorry, sir?

Do you have different flavor blends?

Like, do you do custom flavor blends?

Like what?

Well, for the shisha, do you have anything?

Like grape soda flavor blend?

Any cola ones, you know?

Or any of the fruit ones?

Yeah, I have fruit.

Do you have the cola flavor?

There's a cola-flavored one going around.

Do you have that so you can make cherry cola shisha?

Do you have that one or no?

No, sir.

No, no, not that one.

Okay.

Okay, do you have the pussy one?

What?

The pussy one?

No, no, sir.

Okay, do you have the dick, the cock one?

No, no, sir.

All right.

Do you have your sister?

Huh?

Do you have sister?

Lovely sister?

What you're saying?

Do you have lovely sister for me to touch her pipes?

What you're saying?

How about lost it when you were like, do you have pussy?

And he's like, what?

What?

He knows what.

You know what.

Mr. Hooka Lounge owner, man.

Yeah, another Comcast compiler, yeah.

So I came back late.

Did you say Dialer's joining the network now?

You have hookah?

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh, hello?

Never call again, please, okay?

No, you shut up, okay?

You shut up, answer me.

Shut up.

That was good.

Did you say Dialer was coming to the network now?

Yes, he said he's going to be coming.

I came in a little late, and I was catching the ass end of that conversation.

Ass end, I'll say.

Yeah, definitely.

Oh, yes.

He said he's going to, yeah, we'll see.

We'll hold him.

We're not going to hold them to it because it's always got some kind of problem.

Fucking dialer.

We'll see.

Lauren is in New York and is a Comcast complainer.

Oh, Milkman.

That's a Milkman alert.

Sorry, Milkman.

We have Comcast Cares.

Day two.

It's getting worse.

Is there an agent who can help me?

Okay.

This is OSL related.

Secret agent Dwight can help you.

What is OSL?

They're posting.

What's the problem here?

they're posting speed test results that say 41 down and almost 12 up what's the problem here

what are they trying to do what are they trying to do that's that bad are they expecting are they

complaining a comcast that's about right it's async asynchronous it's not going to be 50 up 50

down i don't know what they're complaining about those are bad speeds where you'd be freaking out

at this point day two i'm only getting 41 megs down what are you doing he's streaming 4k videos

i was looking it's the internet sling osl on gaming net star league orbital satellite laser

object source lighting we're trying her i'm trying her she's a woman she doesn't know

right neon she doesn't get it she doesn't understand

dandy on that video i get that guy to think the computer is infected why was your call has been

forwarded to an automated is that you on the whole on that whole webcam one dwight or was

carlito on that one too i don't know that was me oh so you're like man your tits are really hard

why was the guy licking his lips when you said that i don't know

the lady's all into it she's like what's going on here there's some weird people

people doing weird shit like the girl kicking in front of that one dude you know oh yeah the

mr clean video he's just like she's like uh uh yeah that's all i think i think that was his

daughter or something yeah we like this this this and i said oh that's nice i'll shut shut the fuck

up and sit down i gave you the long the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that

has not been set up yet yeah this guy seriously looked like mr clean like you on steroids he's

flipping me off i was like i hate to see what steroids did to your nuts because i could see

what it did to your face oh damn he's sitting there flipping me off like oh that's cute use

that on your daughter much oh damn yeah he like kept the finger for like a long time too he was

like really fuck you like oh damn saying here it is and do something about it he was like saying

dwight did you finally put your videos up dwight because everyone's been bitching today oh i know

they always bitch if i don't show up for shows they bitch if youtube videos are missing they

bitch people were bitching because carlito wasn't around and it's like we showed up at eight carlito's

not here sorry like carly was supposed to be here busy doing important things little rock and little

rock uh this is uh we got a guy who's in chicago and he's an experienced mover with an empty cargo

van and he's uh ready for short or long distance hauls talked about this before we took the break

whatever got to it these numbers come from lonesome loser here it is a mover let's move

have a big bow it's important five hours bow i didn't go for like five days after my surgery

it was fucking crazy that's not normal because you have i was it was on the because of the coding

hello hello is that mike mike mike hi mike i want to be like mike all right um i got some

Some UK wankers.

Here's Thomas Doyle.

Do

of them fanny calls that

you always do i'm sure how about the fanny that song is ham man i am hello your call cannot be

taken hello hello mr so-and-so my name is evelyn how are you what's your name my name um my name is

Where's Evelyn? Evelyn Cross.

From where?

I'm from Hertfordshire.

And what's it about?

The call is about a new festival that's coming into your area.

A what?

A new festival. It's a fanny festival. Would you like to join?

Not at all.

Yeah.

Not at all.

I don't know.

Quit taking a piss.

Yeah.

Sorry.

There's that video, Nian.

on a quick 43 seconds of a man

just fucking trying to achieve the maximum

hard-on. And he's pissing.

If anybody doesn't know where that name's from,

go watch Chinatown.

Even weirder, Carlito,

that video where the guy was jacking,

he had fucking classical music

playing and shit to it. It was like jazz

or something. Yeah, he was fucking set in the mood,

like the lights were off, he had fucking

jazz going and watching some porn.

Yeah, it was really odd.

I'm surprised they didn't have any fucking candles lit and shit.

If he's having trouble getting off,

if it's probably because of the music he's choosing.

You can't get off of that.

Shit.

A gangster rap going to it.

Oh my God, I'm watching this.

EDM or something.

Looks like a music teacher.

Oh God.

Probably.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Thomas Farraghan?

Farraghan.

Yeah, we'll put Thomas on the phone, please.

I'm sorry, my husband's in a nursing home.

Oh, he is?

He's not there anymore?

Well, shit.

Fucking damn it.

The nursing home.

Can you speak over the phone here, please?

properly i'm calling from the nursing home the nursing home yeah i'm calling from the nursing

home yeah yeah why what's wrong uh thomas is doing good tonight is he all right yeah he ate all his

food he's uh we got his medication his blood pressure was good tonight all his vitals were

good and he's uh resting right now oh that's good love that's good yeah and then the the problem is

he started he started touching his penis yes all right thank you very much he was masturbating his

penis a lot and we had we he was masturbating himself he was touching his penis and masturbating

so we had to tie him oh thank you okay but maybe you should thank you maybe you should come and

masturbate him so he won't do it himself maybe you can come and masturbate him

I can't.

I'm having a hardly walk.

I'm 90.

Yeah, but does your hand work still?

Pardon?

Does your hand work?

I don't know what you're saying.

I'm only eight.

I'm my own love.

Are you a pensioner?

Pardon?

Are you a pensioner?

I'm 90.

All right.

Well, go to sleep, you fucking bitch.

Good night.

Thank you.

All right.

You're welcome.

Aw.

Thank you.

You have to say it's his willy.

Good night.

Bye.

Good night, honey.

I'm sorry that you're on the call.

That's fine.

That's the army call where the lady fell out of her bed.

She's like, oh, you crazy people.

What next?

What do we do now?

We cut people.

Oh, my God.

I will cut you.

I'll fucking cut you.

Don't ever call this number again.

That's a good call.

Sloth tried to claim it his own, but he lied.

Was it your call, Joy?

it was because it was a facebooker and he didn't do it was on his show it was on his show i think

but he tried to claim it on the uh best of show that gi did i'm like no no no that was mine he's

like no no you don't do that i'm like dude it was a fucking facebooker how do you think i had over

shit oh yeah you just wanted to put it in your intro that's right well no the only thing that

i had to do for to be in the intro i had to ask sloth if it was okay to use his voice so he's

like we're gonna call a lot which cracks me up every time i hear it though we're gonna call a lot

yeah because he's like trying to hold in his laughter too it's like when carlito like loses

his shit i start fucking laughing it's hard yeah i know i do it too if i hear someone crack up it

makes it uh thomas yeah some of the funniest moments at snl are when like when the cast

breaks out laughing oh gosh yeah i love that shit uh you know who did it a lot was jimmy fallon

Jimmy Fallon did all of it.

I think he's one of them.

And Horatio Sands.

Yeah, Horatio.

I never really got into him.

He was, I don't know.

He was okay.

He was okay because of the cast that he was around, I think.

That's why he did good in that situation.

He was an SNL cast at the right place, right time kind of situation.

I don't think he would have been that successful.

Did you see him do Aaron Neville?

The Aaron Neville court?

Like a porno?

No.

He's supposed to be Aaron Neville, so he's got these fake muscles on.

and all he does he's supposed to be like judge judy and so he's like trying to settle these

disputes and all he keeps doing is like rubbing cocoa butter on his uh on his tattoos and so

they're like go outside and they're like asking like you know the public or something they're

like what do you think do you think that so-and-so is gonna win and they're like i don't know but

that guy doesn't know anything about about the court of law he knows a lot about cocoa butter

though i'll try to find the i'll try to find it it's funny yeah and you know who else i'm not a

fan is is that mooney hand guy whoever that guy is now the the big the big dude that's on that

he's not big well i'm just saying the chubbier guy oh he's got a cute face like i just i saw

you know what i haven't really watched snl that much in the last four years now

but like when i stopped when i stopped watching it he was he was it was his first year on first

and second years on and like like he would do skits where they just brought him in he was

supposed to be some stupid baby with a big lollipop what the fuck is this dumb shit

this is fucking gay it's stupid it's not funny i was like fuck that guy and maybe i don't know

maybe i guess he's had more success now he's getting more uh time yeah more time now i guess

maybe he's maybe they're giving him a chance now maybe because it's up to the writers on that show

anyway it really is that's a that's a writer's show yeah but they're writers i mean they know

that they're they're a little poor on that show it was it was better when they had like the same

writers like conan o'brien and just like the people that did like the tonight shows and stuff

like that but they're kind of third string there well you know jb smooth right from yeah curb

enthusiasm and from gta5 radio yeah i like watched him on uh the real husbands of hollywood that makes

fun of the real housewives he he was an snl writer too he wrote jokes and he says that a lot of his

good shit he was on the stern show getting interviewed and it said like his funniest shit

it like he would say it and like everyone would crack up at it but what's the the one dude in

charge of uh the snl forget his name now uh he'd always say no like he'd laugh about it lauren

michaels he'd always say no like he's like no right we can't do that no but it's yeah it's

like he said like yeah so i'm saying jb swish should get his own fucking variety show or like

his own sketch show that's the case hey you have a real husband to hollywood he has fucking kevin

heart in it jb jb smooths in it um oh shit what's that guy that did that one singer rob robin fix

yeah he's funny as hell on that i love that robin fix you're funny in that shit

nelly's running around it and fucking nick cannon

like he's spending fucking mariah's money and shit oh yeah they always make fun of that too

too. Like, how come you never bring Mariah

over? Like, come on, man.

Not anymore. Not anymore, yeah.

But at the time. Alright.

Thomas Foster.

We have three numbers left that I'm

going to look at calling.

They're all wankers, and here's Thomas Foster, the first one.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello? Is that Thomas Foster?

Or is Foster there? Mr. Foster?

Get out of bed.

You're out of bed because you picked up the phone, you know?

Oh, yeah, but what are you phoning for?

It's important.

There's a fire, and I have to talk to him.

There's no fire where?

I have to tell him, not you.

I don't know who you are.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

I'll fire you for this video before I get to the...

No, please, I need to tell you, I was...

I need to tell you, I was...

I was in your garden.

Oh.

I wanted to tell him I was in the garden.

Uh-oh.

I started a fire, but I put it out, but he should check it just in case.

That's what I was going to say.

All right, he's going to send it to the police.

let's do that

calling them back

oh I'm stupid

hello

okay

goodnight

thank you

for letting me call you

I appreciate it

bye

alright they're gone

they're not gonna play anymore

aww

the next one is

Thomas Ging

where an older woman

answered

they're in Liverpool

England

who

anyone else

any of you two

want these

sure

I don't have a very good

reporter with the ucks

the ucks

yeah the uck

calling the uck

Liverpool is like

Like, really stupid.

Who's from Liverpool?

The Beatles?

Yeah.

And Nunu?

Hello?

Hello.

Hi.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Damn it.

She finally came through.

All right, I'll try again.

Damn.

Hello?

Aw.

Damn.

She heard your black music.

Yeah.

Fuck balls.

She got scared.

All right, then you get the last one, then.

Thomas Gore.

Gore.

Hello, is this Mr. Goulet?

Oh, this is Evelyn.

How are you?

Oh, I didn't need to know the time.

Did you?

No.

What's up, Thomas Gore?

What do you want?

Are you going to work today?

Shut up.

Fuck you.

There you go.

Hey, real quick, I got three last ones now.

Now we got Thomas King.

Now we have to do it, because they said it.

He said, shut up.

Hello, is Mr. King there?

Oh, is it, please?

Oh, well, this is Bruce.

Bruce, it's important regarding a fire.

I have to talk to him, please.

Mr. Kang, Thomas Kang?

Yeah, you're at 65 Chirkdale.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just in your garden there.

I made a little fire.

I catched a little pigeon and I cooked it,

and I had a nice nap there on your property.

Yeah, and I just want to let you know,

I think I put the fire out,

but there might have been a few more embers going off, I think.

Maybe you want to go and check to make sure,

just in case it's still smoldering, you know?

Okay.

Um, can I see your wife?

Can I talk to her?

Hey, honey, how are you?

What are you thinking about, please?

Oh, I want to sleep in the bed with you and your husband.

I want to be in the middle.

Oh, dirty cunt.

I am.

I'm a dirty boy.

Oh, my God.

I want that on the soundbite.

What is she calling me, a dirty cunt?

I don't know.

I want that on the soundbite if you're saying, I'm a dirty boy.

Oh, I'm a dirty boy.

Dirty boy.

Bail girl says, why did he put her on the phone?

I don't know.

Welcome to Boy's Mail.

the person you have called okay here's michael carter yay yeah the music killed it stupid music

oh the negroes are calling again

welcome to voicemail damn the person you have called well i threw that one away here's michael

michael uh fartin no barton hello is that michael fartin okay how are you i was

I was calling to get a sulfur test from you to this morning.

Yeah, I need to get a sulfur test from you, please.

Yeah, I need you to push the phone up into your asshole and then fart.

Yeah, can you do that for me?

I bet you've got a big asshole.

No, it's very tight.

I don't use it much.

Oh, I was going to tell him about a colostomy.

That I had a colostomy, but that my boyfriend fucks me in my colostomy hole.

Oh, God.

But he didn't stay on to hear that, so that would have been a good story.

It's like I bet you have a big asshole.

That's one thing I would say.

You recovered well.

You're like, I don't use it much.

Michael Cohen.

Hello?

Yeah, Michael.

Yeah, hey, I'm calling to do the sulfur test for you,

for your medical test.

Speaking.

Yeah, this is Billy.

I'm with Regency Healthcare Center.

I'm supposed to call to get your test result over the phone?

What company is this?

You know, it's only quarter to seven in the morning here.

Yeah, I'm with Coventry Medical Care.

Coventry.

Yeah?

Yeah, and I'm supposed to get you to give me your test results over the phone

so I can make them, put them on the log here for your health care, your health.

Well, I'm not with any company, and I don't take cold calls,

so can I just leave it there, please?

Well, can I just write down, are you circumcised or uncircumcised?

I'm not even talking to you about it.

How big is your penis, then?

He's like, I don't take cold calls.

Well, warm it up, bitch.

Calling a survey, though.

If he's cut or uncut.

Hello?

Yeah, are you cut or uncut?

Tell me.

Child sexual exploitation.

What the fuck?

Are you watching pornography?

possible. One 16-year-old

tells me they are...

The 16-year-old?

The 16-year-old? Oh my god!

That's the BBC back there, you hear it?

That's the only channel they get there,

I heard. And they get like Sky

One, Sky News One.

Don't they get like Al Jazeera or something?

Probably too, this fucker.

Alright, now this is the

real last one from Lonesome. It is

Michael Cunningham.

Does anyone want it? Because I'm spooked.

hey motherfucker i'm calling from the united states it's time to wake up

yeah my name is dwight i'm from the united states and i'm calling you to say wake the

fuck up that was good fuck you damn it man all right well well i guess that's it right

all right thank you neon and dwight i'll talk to you two later

uh milkman are you here

ah what are you doing over there you got a customer

oh man wow hey are you good i mean can you talk can you take us out of here

yes i can talk man i'm a friend okay well we'll get to talking then yeah

Well there you have it

Another fun fact

I'd like to thank everybody for stopping in

First off I'd like to thank our numbers

All fits held high

For our brother

98.6

So we're looking for

The answer to the questions

Gold stars and other prizes may be awarded

Get a hold of the Armani

Don't let us know what's going on with our questions

They're crumbled

I'd like to thank everybody for stopping in

We had our guest tonight

Mike, Mike, Neon, Mike's a pretty funny tough Neon.

Thank you so much, everybody, for stopping in.

That's right.

We do this every week for you.

We're giving you a show you can find right here on the internet.

That's right.

We drop the dime with your dash.

Give it some time.

Bring your friends.

Bring your enemies.

We do it out to my friends.

They even last one call, and it's much love.

Thank you for having me.

Hey, yeah.

Thanks.

It was fun, Milkman.

Thank you for being on.

Enjoy the rest of your night.

everyone else out there thank you for tuning in be sure to bookmark and go to madhouse live.com

subscribe to the podcast subscribe to the two youtube channels we have uh the main one madhouse

radio and also there's madhouse classic both of those on youtube madhouse radio and madhouse

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Good stuff.

And, yeah, I already said, of course, PrankCallNation.com.

That's where the different shows on this network are on.

We have a show pretty much every night of the week.

Dower's going to be coming back in the afternoons.

That's good.

We also got Matt does afternoon shows.

So we're doing pretty good now.

We're in a good position right now, position of power.

And soon we will own you.

I am leaving now.

Thank you for tuning in.

I'll catch you here next week.

roll later, no ink in the pen

no lines on the paper

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just

talking to my daddy

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just

talking to my

Calls (42, 1 h 24 min of 3 h 24 min)

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