Be For Real

Tell the truth.

Hey, Ross, it's nice.

Hey, Mark.

Hey, Mark, man.

Hi, Jen.

Hey, what's up, man?

What's going on?

Hey, nothing.

Trying to get way...

I hit myself.

Trying to get wankers to pick up the phone.

Wankers.

Uh, they're all named Edwards, in case you jump in.

Who's the man talking? Is that Tupac?

That's, uh, Negro Sparks.

I was close.

Double X. S-P-A-R-X.

They're saying I'm loud.

You're loud and you're proud.

I'm loud and I'm proud.

Blah.

Why don't nobody want to be my friend?

You told me a long time ago, you said,

Papa, what am I doing?

I didn't want to tell you that.

I thought you'd have sense enough to realize what you're doing.

I'll work on isolating, I think.

You see, they don't want to hear about what you got

because they're trying to get it, too.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, is that Ms. Edwards?

What's up, please?

Oh, hey, this is Larry Thibault,

and I'm calling because I have an important message for you.

I'm calling from the United Water Machines.

we handle your water service there where are you from i'm in the call center in chicago illinois

united states we handle the night shift the late calls um because now have you got our number uh

well you're a customer you have i guess water the water utility there local water utility there where

you live out of chesterfield and what's it to do with uh well there's a problem with the

contaminants in the water there's a backflow of feces we're trying to track it um when was the

the last time you used the toilet or loo two or three hours ago okay do you did it flush can you

flush it now and let me know if it flushes clear if the water's clear and my husband was just gone

actually um but right now because this is literally just happening i'm sorry i know this is

you know i just wondered why from chicago uh well because um we handle the night because you know

it's five we're five hours behind here in chicago so we can we take the later calls and well

Well, yeah, exactly.

It's yesterday for you here still.

So we handle the calls late, and your people are sleeping,

and they come in at, you know, 9 a.m. your time, I think they take over,

which I believe is 4 or 5 a.m. our time here.

4 a.m. our time here.

Yeah.

Yeah, be for real.

All right.

Just flush the water.

All right.

Yeah, and listen, and don't tell me what to do, okay?

Don't tell me what to do.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, because you were asking where I'm from, why, you know?

Yeah.

well it's just strange we've never had a phone call from hello she got mad because i ruined it

because she was actually uh damn was that her flushing was that you know it was her

i don't know why she hung up she was it hurts to see she was to cut up on what i was saying

i'll try to call her back jen if you want

You want me to...

You can step in.

Like you're the actual British man.

British man.

Hey, milkman.

Edwards is the name.

All right, here's a different Edwards.

Robert Edwards.

Robert.

Bobby.

Let's ask him what he prefers.

All right.

he's like bob bobby robert robbie i got an idea all right bill

hello hello can i speak to robert please who is it it's mr stewart mr stewart it's middle at night

i know i know i know it's really important though i need to talk to him right i think we were

digitizing to tron give her a few moments maybe she's uh fiddling with the phone or

fiddling with robert hello hello robert yes hello mr stewart how you doing pardon mr stewart how are

you how are you okay what are you saying i'm saying right i've got a question for you right

because your name is robert so do you prefer rob robert bobby or jill sure boy all right well

listen rob you know how like they call richard dick you know we're going to come up with a short

and version for for robber as well so instead of rob we're just gonna call you cock oh yeah

does that work no it's rob what no it's cock what are you talking about who's that speaking

it's gin we're gonna call you cock from now on is that okay cock i like that i think that works

better than dick do you know i mean because then you've got a dick and a cock in it who's speaking

i'd fucking stop asking the same question i'm asking you the question can't listen

Listen, I said, what do you think of that as a shorthand version for Robert?

No, I don't think so.

I think so.

I think it's fucking awesome, mate.

I think it's wicked.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't think so?

Why not?

I don't know why.

What's your mum called?

I don't know.

I don't think she does.

All right.

What's your wife called?

Mum.

All right.

We're going to make a shorthand version for that as well.

It's going to be cunt.

So we've got cunt, dick, and cock.

What do you reckon?

I reckon I wasn't able to speak to you.

Oh, fucking talk properly, you cunt.

What's wrong with you?

You got a problem?

Hello?

Nah, he hung up.

Oh.

I like the idea, though.

Yeah.

They left it off the hook.

He was still there in some form or fashion.

Oh, was he?

Still busy.

Well, move on.

I got Patels.

Okay?

A Patel.

What are you playing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Milkman.

You there?

Are you with customer?

Nope, yeah, I got a customer.

Hey, you remember the Warrior?

Warrior is back in the chat room.

Remember Warrior?

Warrior Machine?

He's with a customer.

Warrior is a cool dude.

Hey, Warrior, what's up, man?

I'll get with you when I get a chance.

Good seeing you in the Warrior Machine.

He goes way back in the grill building.

I see Kokanee is there also.

Kokanee.

For real, Kokanee.

Hello?

Hi, Mr. Patel.

What do you want?

uh yes i needed to ask you about your water i'm calling from the water utility

we have a look in the morning yeah we have we have an emergency with the water service we need

you to check your water for us please let us know can you check oh senator is not patient

needs to be for real

That's what she needs, right?

It's not the only mistake, mate.

You don't have to play with the pizza.

Oh, hi.

Miss Patel?

Aw.

All right, next one here.

It's another Apatow.

You can take it if you like, Jen.

You just say so.

If not, I don't care.

I'll try it.

Fine.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Patel.

Who's this?

Mr. Stewart.

Who?

Mr. Stewart.

What's this about?

How are you tonight?

Do you realize what time it is?

Yeah, yeah, that's the whole point, man.

That's the point.

Yeah, the point is what?

The point is, do you know what time it is?

Yeah, I do know what the fucking time is.

Can you tell me, because my watch is broken. I have a Roger Dubuis and it's stopped.

Yeah, well, I suggest you shove your head up your arse then.

Oh, shit.

Can we play that?

Yes.

Oh, shit.

Oh, great suggestion of his.

Hello? Hello? Mr Patel? Sanjay Patel? Sanjay Patel? I can hear your television, man.

He's playing that game where I'm just going to put the phone by the TV, I think.

Um, yeah.

All right, I guess we've got to go.

Bye, Mr. Patel, bye.

Thank you.

We'll leave him on.

I can leave him on.

I can do that again now.

You can what?

I can leave him on while we call D. Patel.

Maybe he'll come back.

Mr. Patel, we're calling your mother.

Lovely sister.

Oh, there he is.

Like, oh, fuck that.

Call my mom.

I'm stuck.

I'm connected.

Busy.

More Patels?

We're calling the other Patel.

More Patels, do you think?

or a different name yeah fuck yeah all right tell it's typical fucking indian name dude yeah there

are so many patels i always had the joke come on my family when you go to a hospital there's always

a patel and sure enough i've been there and i've heard dr patel please come to blah blah blah

you laugh they're like carlos is right it's so funny you should be a comedian

uh ismail patel ishmael ishmael ishmael first one there ishmael yeah that's probably jewish

thing jewish i don't really have much against jews you know i didn't know jews were a big thing

in india until the bombay attack you know the bombay thing the the mumbai attacks i should say

rather and uh there was something they had a whole jewish center they're like a famous one it was

you know had a lot of people from all over the world including americans were staying there

and were killed oh yeah they scalped them scalped them they scalped them with a scalpel yeah no no

Don't be silly.

With a curved sword.

Crescent sword.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Patel.

How are you?

Who's this?

Mr. Stewart.

Um, I think you've got the wrong number.

No, no, I've got the right number.

Who do you want to speak to?

You.

I'm not Mrs. Patel.

You're a Ms.

What do you need to talk about?

I need to talk about the time.

You understand?

I'm lost, you see.

I don't know what the time is.

And my watch has stopped and I need you to help me set it.

Interesting.

I have a Breguet.

Do you know Breguet?

Patel.

Do you know what is Breguet?

Do you know how many Breguets your father has?

Don't worry about me.

I'm just peeing.

Hello?

We'll just leave Ron there.

Ms. Patel, come on.

Talk to us.

It's me and your friend.

Forget his name.

I don't want to say his name.

Friend.

It's me and friend.

We are friend.

Come on.

We're friendly.

We want to talk about your hair.

Your pretty hair.

My watch.

Yeah.

We wanted to cut your hair and smell it.

With a sword.

A curve sword.

A sword?

Put your phone on there.

Put your phone in your bum, see if it feels nice.

We will make sounds.

Show it up your bum.

Still there.

Hello, honey.

Honey.

Come on, talk to us.

Still five minutes.

I cleared out my list.

Fuck.

Man.

Look, all you need to worry is that this is a Patel.

All right.

Hey, honey, you still there?

Don't go anywhere.

Come on, talk to us.

And we'll stop calling if you talk to me and my friend.

That's it.

And we'll explain why we're doing this thing to you, okay?

And we won't ever do it again, I promise.

Just talk to us now, please.

Why are you calling at this time of the morning?

Well, he has to explain.

My watch is stopped, you see, and I needed the time.

And I like to masturbate while people set their watch on.

Oh, yeah.

Have you heard her?

Hello?

What time is it?

Hello?

Hello, yeah, you got the hour.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, yeah, what's the hour?

Who is this?

It's Mr. Stewart.

Who is this?

I don't think he's up there.

Hello?

Hello, Ms. Patel?

Hello.

Hello, how are you?

Thank you.

I can't take you seriously.

Why not?

Yes, we need to know, Jin, there's another Patel on the line.

Oh, there's two Patels?

Yeah, she's asking...

How many Patels to fit in a light bulb?

Well, first she's asking how she can help us.

You should tell her.

Yeah, yeah, I need the time, please.

What's the hour?

4 a.m. in the morning.

Don't call 4 a.m. in the morning.

No, no, what about the minute?

Can you tell me the minute?

You want a minute in the...

Yeah, I want to know the minute, please.

What's the minute?

Are you serious?

Yes, please.

Come on, give it to me, the minute.

The second.

Why?

I need to know, because I'm setting it on my new IWC watch.

It is 4.29.

And how many seconds?

Someone on.

Hello?

How many seconds?

How many?

Tell me how many.

How many seconds?

Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please...

Hello?

Hello, Miss Patel, how many seconds, please?

Are you still there, my darling?

Are you still there?

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here, my darling.

I'm still here.

What about the time now?

Because it cannot be the time you said it was a moment ago

because that can no longer be the correct time

because now it's a different time because, you know, that time has passed.

And how many seconds?

Let me just set that on my IWC Schaffhausen.

Yeah?

You've got to be pretty quick.

I'm setting, I'm setting.

But I've got another six clocks, so just bear with me, please.

Time doesn't bear for anybody, so you've got to be quick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing tonight, my darling?

I'm afraid it's the morning.

Yeah, okay, what are you doing this morning, my darling?

I'm asking you why you're calling me at this time in the morning.

Because I wanted to know what you were getting up to

if you wanted to get freaky with me this morning.

And you are, exactly?

I'm Mr Stewart. You sound really sexy, you know that?

you are seriously having a joke with me aren't you no no so what you waiting oh i'm sorry for

my friend he's just shitting she's still there hello honey honey hello we're calling someone

else okay you can come back and talk to me hey mr cop hey mr cop ain't done now what you saying

down there you got police do you know what my name is again yeah miss patel miss what you are

Ms. Patel, Ms.

What's my first name?

Ms.

If you don't give me my first name in 10 seconds, I'm putting the phone down.

But I don't have the correct time, so how can I give you 10 seconds?

I'll ask you my name.

She's going to put the phone down there.

Put the phone down there.

Let's hear it.

Eight.

Let me hear it.

What's my first name?

Samantha, Susan, Jenny.

Labia.

Six.

Sarah.

Pussy, vagina.

Selfie.

Nicola.

Five.

Bum.

Four.

Jalalabad.

Three.

Shit!

Bahamut!

Shit, pussy!

What?

Uluka Pasha!

Alfred!

Banchot!

Well that was from her, huh?

Yeah.

Who knows their names?

Good luck trying to figure them out.

Chochaita!

They only ever give initials on their listings.

Well, we could have gone there eventually.

Another Patel with a V as a vagina.

Yeah, you'd do it.

Fine.

Welcome to Sky Voicemail 1571.

The person who uses Sky...

We start to worry.

Are they a coax cable program?

Dish?

What are you saying about cable?

I can't hear because the lady's singing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are they like a dish service?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Satellite.

They do satellite.

Yeah, yeah, satellite.

So who would do just cable?

Cable doesn't exist anymore.

I don't think.

I think it's a long time ago.

Now they just have satellite.

So you now just have satellite or you have fiber broadband.

where you just have a TV package with your fiber.

Oh, okay.

So, like, if you wanted to get fast internet,

and you didn't want to do it,

well, you can't get that on Dish anywhere.

Yeah, if you didn't want the Dish,

you might as well go for BT.

But if you did want the Dish,

then you might as well go for Sky, or Virgin.

Thank you.

Bye.

No, thank you.

Yeah, no, you're welcome.

If you ever want to move here,

you know you now know everything.

No, no, there's a problem.

Are we calling a Patel?

Welcome to Sky voicemail 1571.

The person you're calling is not available.

They must like that Sky in the Patel family.

I'm just trying to get...

I got tons of them, sir.

And I figure at some point, we'll get some answers.

Let's call Milkman back because he dropped.

It really is 4 o'clock.

Fucking hell.

Dig it, man.

I have a meeting in 6 hours.

No, no, no.

I'm not tired.

Stay up until the meeting.

I think we'll sit back.

Hey, big guy.

I got your back.

Thank you.

Now I'm back.

We had some phones with Apatow there.

Let's go ahead and call some more.

I got numbers from the big park man.

So there's a minute here.

Here we got stuff for sale, including a piano.

A piano.

Piano?

What kind of piano?

A Kansas City piano.

They're made in Kansas City.

They stamp the case on it.

Kansas City.

Here I come.

Yeah.

They cure it all.

All the wood for the piano is cured in barbecue sauce for about a year.

Yeah, they season it.

Yeah, no, they really season it.

We lost milk, man.

Shit.

Damn it.

Fuck.

Piano.

Upright piano.

Heavy, sturdy piano.

Located on ground level for easy loading.

Yeah, easy fucking.

Would you like to see a picture of a piano?

Yeah, yeah, send it to me.

Good.

Uh, I want to be really nice to the piano.

Am I taking this or would you like a piano?

Uh, it looks like shit.

No, you can have it.

All right, let me call Milkman first because I hung up on him.

Do you have a piano and a paper?

Cool.

For that, for a piano and a newspaper, that's what I'm going to say.

I'm sorry, the person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been...

Asshole.

All right, we'll prank with him.

All circuits are busy now.

Oh.

Please try your call again later.

Let's see if you can come and break in.

Hey,

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, I saw you put an ad for a piano and a newspaper.

Uh, yes.

Okay.

You still have the piano?

Uh, I do.

Oh, nice.

Uh, what kind of wood is a piano?

I don't know, it's a nice seasoned wood.

Uh, to be honest with you, I don't know.

I'm just selling it to her friend.

Fuck yeah, it looks like a good piano.

Uh, do you think it's able to be transported?

The what?

Do you think it's be able to be transported?

Do you think it's now too old to be transported?

No, I'd probably be able to transport it.

Okay, I'll go.

Okay, I'll come.

I'll come.

Take a look.

Can I come tonight?

No.

No?

No.

You know, it's 10.30 at night, you know.

Oh, okay, okay.

I don't know what time is your cutoff, you know,

because I thought maybe if you picked up,

maybe you're kind of like, do you live late, you know?

Well, I'm a late person, but it's at a friend's house.

It's in their basement.

Oh, that's the shit.

You're helping out the fucking friend, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Do you know, because I need to check all the strings in it,

and then, you know,

because you didn't show it in the picture in the newspaper.

Pepper.

Okay.

All right.

So can I talk to the friend about the piano?

Probably not, no.

I need to know about the piano.

Why not?

Well, I'm the one selling it for them, so.

Yeah, but what's wrong with them that they can't talk?

Well, they're kind of busy.

They have work and so forth to do.

I just need 15 minutes, 15 minutes.

They can squeeze me in 15 minutes on their agenda.

I appreciate it, Colin.

Tell you what, tell you what.

Can you do this for me?

I mean, can you bring it up in your Monday morning meeting with them?

Good night, sir.

Thanks.

He could have at least, maybe if he at least brings it up.

He could see if he can come an hour later.

I mean, maybe he can at least bring it up, you know, to them in the morning meeting, right, on Monday.

But the problem is the Monday morning meeting is usually really long, and people are already like, I want to be here.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, if he owns the company, he's fucked.

Oh, it sucks going to Monday morning meetings.

Please leave your message for 8, 1, 6, 4, 5, 4

Jobs like that

I just want more coffee

Fuck

Fuck that piano

It's called Milkman back again

Motherfucker

How are you doing in your game?

Are you making all the points?

Yeah, yeah, man

Well, I was

But then I died

You got all the flags?

I have flags

I'm just getting headshots, baby

Alright

Now I hear ya

I was talking to myself

Oh man

You dummy

It's better than talking in your sleep

Cause then nobody hears you but yourself

Yeah

That's not true cause if you're sleeping with somebody

They hear you and you don't actually know what the fuck you're saying

You could be saying all kinds of freaky shit

and then she'll be next to you and you wake up the next morning

and she's like, you're right, I don't like what you were saying last night.

That would be the case.

He doesn't sleep with anybody.

What are you talking about?

I sleep with my guitar, man.

I got a 12-string.

She lives right beside me.

He doesn't even sleep with a cat anymore like he used to.

The problem is that she's just too tight.

Okay, I was just joking and I was meaning like, you know,

for companionship, not for sexual.

That's disgusting.

I didn't say where she was

tied, did I?

Alright, large dog

case for $30.

Anyone want...

Do you want to put that on any day?

Someone did a

prank recently where they...

Who the fuck was it that did a prank

around here where they

were wanting to buy a dog house to put

their autistic kid in?

Who fucking said that?

Oh fuck, what the hell, that's crazy.

someone said that

oh my god

that's such a good idea though

at the same time that's really evil

but that's also really funny

because the person would get so pissed off with that

they hung up right when that happened

I remember saying

I should laugh but that shit was funny

who did that

oh my god that was so funny

it was Dyler

that was Dyler on my last show

that's who did it

As a matter of fact, it was Big Dialer.

I want to hear that prank now, but I don't have it isolated.

Maybe I won't do it with a kid, because I like kids, so I won't do that.

I've got a better idea.

I don't know.

You can have an autistic adult.

Yeah, or just a disabled adult.

Or just a foreign disabled adult.

All right, here it goes.

Large dog cake.

All right.

All right, Milkman, all right.

Hey, I'm going to put the ad in here for you.

You have reached the voicemail box of eight.

Don't try it again.

I've reached the voicemail box of 816.

Okay.

That is very disappointing.

Yeah.

Sucks when we get the ideas.

Batting machine.

Baseball helmet.

Carousel horse.

So we've got to do the horse first.

Horse.

I like it.

Carousel horse.

Let's try that.

There's the ad for you to see if you like.

We got a nice little carousel

horse on the pole.

It's not vintage, but really nice

display. I'm only wanting

$50 for it.

Okay.

You got it.

Sorry, Milkman. I got you.

If that ever happens, I'll

come back because it beeps at me to let me know that

I forgot to pick you up again.

Oh, good, man. I get a touch of work.

Oh, good, man. All right.

made me a light sleeper whether watching for the feds or avoiding a grim reaper way deeper than

rap money and holes is deeper than that fight the temptation but it keep coming back money

stacked to the ceiling just as quick as it dispensed who knew them commas meant you could

lose your common sense before it's too late all i can tell them is don't you haters wish you could

hit me don't you it's crazy hello yeah hello yeah yeah hi i got you got a horse my friend's calling

What are you talking about the horse?

The horse?

Uh, carousel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many dollars do you want for that thing?

A horse.

$50.

Well, I'll give you $25 for the horse.

Yeah, I'll hold off and get $50 out of her.

But I'll give you $27.

Make it $50 and come get it.

Okay, but what about if I give you $27.50?

Then you got a 50 in there, buddy.

Pony!

yeah no i think it'll be worth fifty dollars pretty easy okay but uh what about uh okay but

what about how does it look up there you know you put your hand in there put your hand in

i'm not sure where you're what you're saying i'm saying did you put your hand in the pony

i don't believe there's a hole in it to put your hand in there's no hole in it but

what kind of thing is that why why would i want to buy a fucking pony without a hole

Well, how the hell would I know?

Well, I wanted to have one with a hole.

Could you not make a fucking hole in the damn thing?

I wish you would.

It's going to be big enough for my cock.

I know, dude.

I got a big cock, man.

You're going to have to make it pretty big.

You fucking faggot.

You fucking faggot, man.

I'm going to stick the horse up your ass.

You just have a hole already on the top and bottom for the pork.

Ah, I see.

You fucking liked it, man.

Call it a day.

Yeah, I am.

You have reached the voicemail box of 816-

Law.

All right.

What the hell?

I'll try one last time.

Can't hurt.

We've got elevator maintenance centers.

You say you're stuck in an elevator.

It's for the party.

Welcome, everybody.

You have reached the voicemail box of 8166.

Time.

24-hour customer service for Audi, the car manufacturer.

Audi.

Yeah, I have a car.

It's a car.

Is it an Austrian company?

Audi.

Yeah, it must be.

No, it's German.

Is it really?

German.

Deutschland.

Hello and welcome to Audi of America.

To assure quality service, your call may be monitored or recorded.

If you need Audi roadside assistance, press 1.

For Audi financial services or Audi pure protection, press 2.

If you have a question about Audi or need help with your Audi, press 3.

To join Audi's largest owner group, the Audi Club of North America, press 5.

To get information again, press 8.

If you know your party's extension, press 9.

Otherwise, please remain on the line for the next available Audi Customer Relations Advocate.

That was stupid. I thought it was one of those talk-to-me things.

It should be. It should be anyway.

Yeah.

Alright, now I'm back.

If your call is regarding a letter you received about the T-Mobile turndown from an Audi dealer,

please contact your authorized Audi dealer.

For a product specialist, information regarding a service action or recall campaign,

or to locate an Audi dealer,

To discuss your Audi ownership experience, press 2.

If you know your party's extension, press 9.

Discussing the experience, see if someone picks up.

I dialed 5.

Thank you for contacting the Audi Customer Experience Center.

This is Penny. How can I help you?

Penny?

Yeah.

Penny?

Yeah, how are you?

I'm good, and yourself?

Yeah, what kind of name is that, though? Penny.

That's what they, in England, they have that as a, like a, you know, that's like an English scent.

Correct.

I just coined them in the U.S. as well.

Yeah? Oh, you have pennies over there. Okay, excellent.

I need your help. I'm trying to steal an Audi RS6. How do I do that?

Well, I would not be able to assist you with stealing an RS6.

Why not? It's Audi.

I understand.

Penny, why you can't help me?

I'm sorry. I will not be able to meet your expectations.

But that's... What do you mean you can't? That's not fair.

That's not fair. You said it's Audi, and Audi can help.

It's customer service. I want to... Can I speak to the manager?

please. Okay, I apologize.

The manager's currently not available,

but I can't just... Why? What's he doing? Is he

stealing another Audi? Is he helping

somebody else steal an Audi? Why

isn't he helping me? I want help stealing an

Audi. Okay, is there anything I

can help you with tonight, sir?

Yeah, where are you? What are you doing?

We're in Auburn Hills, Michigan, and I'm helping

customers with their vehicle concerns.

What time you finish?

Oh, shit.

I was going to say, I think Ken lives out there,

man. Dwight, go over there and fuck him.

You sound like you'd be able to.

She did sound like another club.

I want to buy an innie.

I don't want to buy an Audi.

I want an innie.

I want to call back.

I want a penny.

I want to see if I can get around.

Do you see what you got?

Do you see if you can get in these pennies?

Hello, and welcome to Audi of America.

Before we continue, you guys use language.

It gets you far into being able to find out what weaknesses the Audi has.

Now, specifically, we're going to go with an Audi Q7 S line, okay?

Why would you go with that shit car?

Why didn't you go for an RS6?

This is what my client asked me to steal, bro, all right?

All right.

Okay, they tell me what car, and that's what I get.

Why are you fighting with me?

Why?

No, I'm just saying.

Which Audi should I steal?

He could have picked a better one.

What should he tell me?

You got one?

What kind of car?

Uh-oh, Milkman's on.

I'm going to get an Oldsmobile.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, Tito, are you an Audi man or are you an any man?

I don't, you know, I've never been in an, I don't think I've ever been in an Audi.

Yes, I have.

That's bullshit.

I'm not talking about a vehicle.

I'm talking about your belly button.

It goes in.

For God's sake.

Huh?

Yeah, it's an innie.

Why are you asking that?

That feels weird.

Because you just said you're calling for an Audi.

So are you having an Audi or are you having an innie?

No, we're not calling prostitutes and making sure that they have an inward cup.

Well, I have an innie.

My belly button's an innie.

What about Jim?

Are you an Audi or an innie?

Oh, he's probably an Audi.

I'm neither. I don't have a belly.

You don't have a belly button?

No.

It was just flat?

No, I just, I don't have one.

You're a clone?

I was born without one.

Ew.

Oh, my gosh.

I don't know.

So, like, you would like to attach to the sphincter with the cord?

Wow, man.

I'm an idiot.

God damn it.

They may use, like, the Wolverine, but...

You're not a Wolverine, but you're a big clone, huh?

All right, well, I'm an idiot.

No.

Move right along.

It was like the Wolverine, but he was being engineered to, I don't know, be like a master.

Well, as usual, I have some random element I threw in there now.

It was going to be a master archer, but it didn't work out.

They messed up with the Jink sequencing, so he's an okay archer.

Well, I'm a Henny.

I just keep mine clean.

Jink gets rolled down.

Jink gets rolled down when we bring up the archers,

and because he lost in front of his home crowd in London in the Olympics back then.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I lost fucking because I was fucking busy banging your sister.

that you were doing a lot of banging in the olympic village though i remember i saw the

pics on instagram man you were fucking there was the brazilians you were fucking this dude's got a

forearm as big around as my thigh i mean this guy is one of the most active olympiad stars that i've

met jim stewart yeah i remember i streamed it when when jim was uh during i streamed it on um

what's my call on syndicate we were all watching it during the video oh it was beautiful man i

I mean, you see this guy.

We saw him, he hit this.

But I guess that's a common thing.

It happens sometimes that archers will hit the wrong target, like completely wrong target.

Yeah, yeah.

If you're not careful, I'm going to fucking hit you, you cunt, from here.

He's real bitter about it, the whole thing.

But it does happen.

There was an American, I guess, that got disqualified in the 2012 Olympics, in the 2008, rather, the Beijing Olympics, for hitting the wrong target.

If you do it once, you get disqualified for that.

the whole thing like right there and it's just like oh my god stupid mistake but it can happen

you're supposed to be able to identify yeah and yeah i'm sorry it's all right it's all good but

dude it don't matter because like to be honest the rest of the british team that year england

yeah they were shit right you guys were yeah i mean you were really good yeah yeah he was the

best one on there he was a bullseye marksman championship there yeah he come out with a

Golden platinum medal

Fucking people with their archery

You invented that Carlito

I always blame you for this shit

This is where you came up with this idea

Any sport in the world you could have picked

Apart from the one I actually do

We have pictures of you

I have a picture of you

He's so modest

He doesn't want anybody to know

Of his true championship status

And he's such a modest man

i'm sorry i'll stop jimmy is the most modest guy of all stop talking about it just stop talking

you don't have to be embarrassed that's all we're saying

hello and welcome to audi of america to assure quality service your call may be monitored or

recorded if you need audi roadside assistance press one for audi financial services or audi

Audi for your protection, press 2.

If you have a question about Audi or need help with your Audi, press 3.

To join us, if your call is regarding a letter you received about the T-Mobile turned out for your Audi,

please contact your authorized Audi dealer.

Or a product specialist.

Information regarding a service action or recall campaign, or to locate an Audi dealer, press 1.

To discuss your Audi ownership experience, press 2.

If you know your party's extension, press 9.

We're calling the Audi Consumer Experience Center.

My name is Shanita.

How may I assist you?

you yeah hello hello hi i'm calling because i needed some assistance with my with a audi here

that i am working with okay how can i assist you sir i'm trying to find out a little more

information about this audi it's uh i think it's an audi 23 hang on let me look here yeah uh-huh

I think.

I don't know.

Audi 23, I think.

Do you have a 23?

A 23?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not sure what you're speaking in terms of a 23.

Hang on, my cohort, my partner in crime over here knows.

Jim, what did I say?

What kind of Audi is this?

An Audi Z?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

You said it was an R8.

There you go, that one.

Okay, what is...

Do you have a VIN number?

Where do I find that?

It's kind of dark.

Where at?

Okay, so that would be on, like, is this, do you own the vehicle?

Oh, yeah.

Kind of, not just, yeah, kind of.

We're in possession of the vehicle, sure.

Okay, so the VIN number would be on your insurance registration or any...

But it's on the car, it's on the car, right?

It should be in the windshield.

Yeah, well, where at?

It should be there in the windshield, inside, because I don't think I've got a...

How do I open the...

It is supposed to be on your windshield in your glass right by the driver's side.

You should be able to see it.

What's the year of the vehicle?

Oh, it's 2014.

But you're going to have to hurry there, lady.

I mean, I want to get in the car.

Excuse me?

We got to find a way to get into the car and get it out of here.

Yeah, we should have been in and out already like a while ago.

Let's just take a...

Why do you need the VIN number anyway, honey baby?

Yeah.

We know what kind of car it is.

Okay, what exactly are you trying to seek assistance with?

All right, so the car, the keys are in the car.

Yeah.

So which of the...

And the car is locked.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So in which spot it is to get through the window the easiest to get the door open?

Well, we don't want to damage the car because, you know, it loses its value.

Sir, I wouldn't be able to give you that type of information.

Well, we need to get in.

We're stranded in a bad neighborhood.

I can transfer you to roadside assistance and have someone come out and assist you.

No, come on.

Okay, yeah, no, that's good work.

No, but she has whole books over there about this car.

Okay, you got the book there, lady, and you tell us from the book.

Yeah, listen, I need you to upload the schematics for this vehicle into these two droids over here.

Sir, I would not be able to assist you with that.

I have an astromech droid.

But I can transfer you to roadside assistance if you need assistance.

Listen, R5, come here.

R5, right there.

I need to get in the car.

All right.

You can put us through to roadside fucking assistance.

Yeah.

I'll try it again.

That's fun.

I like that idea.

Very cooperative.

I was hoping maybe you were trying to steal the car, and then I can come and find you.

Hello, and welcome to Audi of America.

To assure quality service, your call may be monitored or recorded.

If you need Audi roadside assistance, press 1.

For Audi financial services or Audi pure protection, press 2.

If you have a question about Audi or need help with your Audi, press 3.

If your call is from a letter you received about the team, how dare you question my brother?

Please contact your authorized Audi dealer.

Bullshit.

Their honesty is above and beyond the call of duty.

Duty.

Thank you for contacting the Audi Customer Experience Center.

This is Penny. How can I help you?

Oh, Penny. Hello again. How are you?

I'm good, and yourself?

Yeah, not so good. I'm still trying to get into this car.

I understand. I'm so sorry to hear about that.

Yeah, why can't you come out and help me, you?

Well, you're not at our location, so I'm so sorry.

But we can together escape in the car.

No, that's okay. I'm not interested.

Into the sunset, with your wind blowing in the air.

The wind blowing in the air?

No, the wind blowing through your hair. That's what I said, wasn't it?

Not the first time, sir.

Okay, that's what I meant to say.

Okay.

Would you like that?

No, sir.

You could stick your head out of the window like a dog and pant, you know, while I go fast.

Is there anything else that I can help you with, sir?

I want you to join me roadside.

You want to be transferred over to Audi roadside?

No, no, I want you to join me roadside, at the side of the road, you know?

No, thank you, sir.

On the grass.

Why not?

All right, if you don't have a vehicle concern, I will be disconnecting the call.

I have a very...

Roadside, roadside assistance, please help.

I need to get into the car.

All right.

Thank you.

I do hope you have a great day.

Roadside.

I command you to roadside.

Oh, what a bitch.

I'm never going to do roadside assistances.

Now, you could try the car one and try to be all sneaky, you know?

Like a cat burglar.

Like a cat.

Hello, and welcome to Audi of America.

It's only German.

To assure quality service, your call may be monitored or recorded.

If you need Audi roadside assistance, press 1.

Hello, and welcome to Audi of America.

To assure quality service, calls to and from our center may be monitored or recorded.

For Audi Roadside Assistance, press 1.

For all other Audi services, press 2.

Please remain on the line for the Roadside Assistance Center.

Thank you for calling Audi Roadside Assistance.

If you are calling for the first time...

Penny heard me say duty.

And paused.

If you want to check on the status of an earlier roadside service request, please press 2.

Oh, that was funny.

Please enter your selection within the time allowed.

Oh, what? What's the one?

If you are calling for the first time and your vehicle is currently disabled, please press 1.

If you want to check on the status of an owner, if you are in a life-threatening situation, please hang up and call 911 immediately.

Please hold while we transfer your call.

Your call may be monitored or recorded.

If you are in a life-threatening situation, please hang up and call 911 immediately.

Immediately. For quality assurance purposes, your call may be monitored and recorded.

Do not record this call. I do not give you permission.

Thank you for calling Audi Roadside Assistance. My name is Audra. Are you in a safe location?

Um, what do you mean by a safe location?

Are you in danger?

Um, well, what do you mean? What do you mean?

Are you safe or are you in danger?

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Okay, I'm glad to hear that. May I please have your first and last name?

Yeah, now, like now.

Oh, yeah, Roland Tibalt.

And how do you spell your last name, sir?

T-I-B-A-L-T.

Thank you, and may I have a good callback number where you can be reached in the event that we get disconnected or to confirm service?

Yep, yep, 912-158-2015.

Thank you, I have 912-158-2015.

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

And may I please have the last seven characters of your vehicle identification number

that can be found on the vehicle registration or proof of insurance?

Well, all right.

So my registration and proof of insurance, they stole that.

The guy was like, give me all your shit, motherfucker, like that he said to me at first.

He said, give me all that shit, motherfucker, like that.

And he had the gun in my face.

He said, I'll pull the trigger, motherfucker.

I'm the nigga.

he said i'm the nigga motherfucker like that and so i i gave him my wallets i was keeping my glove

box he said yeah give me all them ends give me all them grips he kept saying like that give me

all them ducats motherfucker that motherfucker you take too long and i filled up this he gave

me he had like a win dixie bag and i filled it up with all the stuff i had in there because i mean

And so in went, like, registrations, went oil change receipts, tire and tune-up receipts, and inclusive with that, the registration forms, all that shit went in there, and the proof of insurance and all that all went in there.

All I know is I have saved on my phone the roadside assistance number.

I had put it on the sticker on the dash of the car, and then I also—

Are you with your vehicle, sir?

Oh, yeah, I'm here with that piece of shit now.

No, it's all, he fucked it up.

He fucked it all up.

I'm extremely sorry to hear that.

You can also find the number on the outside of the vehicle

where the windshield meets the dashboard on the driver's side?

Yeah, you know, like, you know where the dashboard kind of meets the windshield

and, like, where the windshield wiper is, but under it, you know,

on the other side of the glass, you mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, he had a hammer, like a real, like one of those ball hammers,

ball peen hammers, he said.

That's what he said he was going to hit me with when he tied up my wrists.

he was like i'm gonna hit you with this ball p hammer nigga motherfucker like that so i ain't

the one motherfucker like that and then he said you see this shit right here and then he started

like hitting the windows he said i'm a crazy motherfucking nigga like that he started hitting

them um all the windows and he got to the part where the vin is like stamped on there i was like

yo man come on that's the vin stamp and he's like no fuck that nigga he like started hitting it

like all like i went to look at it now and you know how all the little

letters are like stamped on there you know they're all flattened out and everything now it's just a

nightmare and then he brought me to the he brought me to the back and he's like well i'm gonna get

me some mouth pussy like that he said to me um and he had me kneel down in front of him and perform

oral sex on him um and that's about the time when he left after that officers have you called the

police sir i mean what am i gonna do say that i got you know i had i can't admit that i had

suck a dick or anything like that so i'm not gonna say you don't need to say that i mean

just that he stole your stuff i mean where are you from are you like are you like in an urban

area it sounds like maybe you're like oh man come on you know what i mean you know what i mean ma'am

you know ma'am she's there ma'am you need roadside assistance sir yeah yeah yeah i mean you know what

i mean like where i'm from i can't like snitch out like that because it'll be much worse than that

the cops where i live the first thing they're gonna do they're gonna write down the report

right i'm gonna recall missing all this stuff they're gonna tell me all right lysol here's

what we're gonna do we're gonna tell all your homies all your a8 rolling g crips that you

You suck the dick.

Show on the video.

And we're going to say to all your enemies.

All the Pee-Roo Bloods that are over here.

And we're going to lock you up.

For observation while we get this figured out.

And they're basically probably going to lock me up with a bunch of members of the other gang that I'm not associated with.

They're like enemies of us.

And I'm going to be known as a snitch for going to the police.

you know like where i'm from like if someone does something you're not supposed to go to

a place supposed to handle it yourself you know do you know what i'm getting at like i can't do

that i can't be a snitch you know what i mean okay um so i'm just trying to get the you know

back in the car so i can get home and i need to take like three really hot showers and i have to

like gargle and really to be honest you probably take something to throw up all those cum that i

had to swallow and everything hello so how far how far will you guys tow i'm sorry well oh what

year is your vehicle uh jen what year is this vehicle uh what'd you say 2015 2015 um it's an

audi in 2015 audi what model sir it's an a3 name is the vehicle registered under um yeah i don't

know i don't know who's it would be but i'm probably mine you know well i wasn't able to

pull it up under your name sir and we get it from a movie studio like they lease it out to us so i

don't really know you know hello okay um well but like we get a car we're working on a movie right

now we're not supposed to talk about which one it is due to non-disclosure but they you know let us

Let's use a studio car, you know, for however long, you know.

It's really mostly to be able to take all the big poster boards that, you know.

You know the movies, sometimes they write on the big boards what's going to have all ordered out.

That's what we bring with us.

So we need to have a nice car, take that.

We can't just show up here in a van, you know.

Do you have the name that the vehicle would be registered under and what state it would be registered for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try G-E-R-Z.

First name Nick.

I found a shard of the glass.

We might be able to have the last four digits of the first four.

I don't know, but try 6889.

Need the last seven in order to pull it?

No, I can only give you the last four. Sorry.

Well, I wouldn't be able to pull up the information then?

Well, we told you, this guy, he smashed everything.

So, yeah, we've just literally got this.

You understand that?

Unfortunately, there's nothing that I can do without the VIN number.

Oh, that's not very helpful, is it?

How are we going to get past that?

May I place you on a brief hold?

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Just a moment.

This is so much fun.

You were doing so much better. I'm so sorry.

I bumped it in like I thought we should disconnect it.

No, no. I like to step out for a while sometimes just to keep it going.

You should definitely take this back.

What did I put you on again for?

The whole I'm the nigger, I'm the nigger.

I just got to get home to throw up.

Oh, the cum I swallowed.

hello hello oh my gosh hello oh so where i'm from you don't snitch you know no but me and

you're some kind of weird relationship where we work together at a movie studio and they

lease us out on audi for hours this happened like happened like in hollywood it's hollywood or

something black guy pulled us over and smashed up the bid numbers stole everything in the glove box

Simply the paperwork and the receipts.

Thank you for holding.

Please.

I'm just explaining to this person here who was asking that they stole everything we have in the glove box, even the receipts.

Should we be concerned?

Should we maybe contact the receipt department or something?

The receipt department?

Mm-hmm.

You know, the department that handles the receipts?

I think it would be a really good idea to call the cops or your auto insurance.

I'm just saying, snitching, you know, just snitching.

Maybe I would really prefer if you didn't give me legal advice

and just help me out with getting myself.

How about you call your auto insurance, because then they'd be able to...

No, because you're supposed to get me a ride home.

The car, they just need a tow.

I need a tow, and I'll sit.

I'll sit in the front with the driver, and then Jen will sit.

I cannot set up service unless I have been able to have the VIN number.

Well, you're a fucking bitch, is what you are.

Bitch.

Big bitch.

With that, I'm going to have to release the line.

Yeah, vagina.

You are a dirty bitch.

You know, pussy lips are in labia, you know?

Pussy lips are a labia, you know?

I think she does.

Wow, that was a lot of fun.

Awesome.

Good call.

Let's call Milkman back.

We dropped him at some point there.

Have sex with a cow, then why would you sleep with Milkman?

Hey, fuck.

I'm back.

Is it a girl or a boy?

number one can i can you put the phone to her let me talk to her no no please absolutely not

please next time please please why did you do something bad already no did you have your pp

out when she got in the car you're like oh my fly my fly must have gone down on accident i'm sorry

Sorry.

Told people sorry.

Oh, sorry.

That was the next one.

Would you mind zipping that up for me again, Tori?

I hung up on him.

What did I do?

I don't know what I did.

Oops.

Called him to say that name.

I'm a nice guy.

Um, I have more numbers, I guess we can do.

That's fine.

Are we done with Audi?

I think so.

What happened?

I don't know.

I'm a stupid.

That's my fault.

You go ahead and keep driving your female customer.

I think it's on your end.

It wasn't my end.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, man.

Oh man, it is now 9 o'clock on the West Coast, so a lot of stores closed Sunday at this time.

I'm not going to have a lot of good luck calling those places unless they're those 24-hour kinds or the late openers, which usually means that they're loud.

Shakey's Pizza Parlor, are they still open now? Yes, they are.

Shakey's Pizza Parlor, home of the Shake Pizza.

so yeah it's hard to be on a diet gin and want to watch food television you know like i love the

food competition shows but if you're like trying to diet for the first you know it's hard so what

do i do i don't know man you guys i can't just want i can't well i like gordon ramsay

hey you stupid bitch i'm calling about making an order i'm sorry i'm calling about making an order

What's your name?

This is Nick Gers.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

My name is Nick.

Do you need my last name?

No.

Okay, it's Gers, G-E-R-Z, just in case.

All right, write that down.

Shit.

I think it was the Gers that did it.

Headside, killin' with Dino.

And speak six languages and three voices.

It's almost on the sailboat.

Don't even try to call, I'm not available for nothing.

Unless it's Studebaker, with Anita Baker.

Hello? Thank you for calling Kiki. Can I help you?

Hi, let's make an order.

Yes, can you please hold?

Bollocks, yes. Go ahead.

Hello?

Hi, Jin, how are you?

Yeah, how are you?

Yeah, hey, ma'am, I'm gonna put my friend Jin online. Go ahead, Jin.

Yeah, yeah, lady, how are you?

Ah, there's no one there, you stupid.

Bitch!

You weren't paying attention, is what.

Where were you? What were you doing?

Fucking daydreaming. What were you doing?

Playing a game.

No.

We're holding. I will play music.

Shakey's in England, how can I help you?

Hello?

Shakey's in England, how can I help you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how are you?

Pizza.

Yeah, we're ordering a-

Want a place and order?

We're ordering pizza, yeah, pizza food.

What's your name?

Um, my name is Nick.

Okay, what size?

What size?

Big.

Mm-hmm, big.

I'm sorry?

Big, but minuscule.

We have the large.

Yeah, yeah, big.

Okay, you need to stop prank calling if you're-

What do you mean prank calling a bitch?

I want a fucking food order.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

content man they got a sriracha chicken pizza looks good as fuck looking at their site right

now straight up they got shakies.com shakies spelled with an eys shakies.com they must have

jumped in that domain pretty easy very forward thinking of them unless they paid out the ass

for it which i doubt but yeah um they got games there that's good games some kind of games there

Hey, milkman.

Hi.

Okay.

I think I found my customer.

They're coming here.

I don't know where they're at.

Oh, bitches.

When they get in, say, hey, motherfucker.

I think I see her now.

Let me talk to her.

Who said the next one?

No, no.

I want to talk to his customer.

I know.

But I said, I told him.

He said we could talk to the next one.

So you should be able to.

I got your back.

I'm not mad at you.

All right?

Okay.

Let's look for more numbers while we wait for that.

um so i'll close at 10 lighting and fixtures place was tested and salon picked up at 2 a.m

i don't know mr rooter plumbing in oregon they have late hours supposedly according to our intel

let's find out your international call cannot be completed as dialed my bad when i smile your baby

mama shit of dungarees somebody get the kid a daily sound like me but not great dad mr rooter's

plumbing yeah hey are you the answering the service or you're the plumber i am i can send

a message over to the on call for a return call i was wondering because you sound a little bit

effeminate maybe you wouldn't you know know much about roof about plumbing no i can send a message

over your first name my name is nick gers first name nick n-i-c-k last name g-e-r-z

thank you and a telephone number and the address it's 24 ranch machine horse ranch horse machine

Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Up your ass?

Oregon.

Up your ass in Oregon.

Young up.

Up your ass.

I gotta know

waste of time typing shit, right?

Alright, here's Service Plumber

of Oregon City, a competitor.

Okay.

Would you like to leave a message, Jim?

You can.

Yeah.

24-hour convenience store in...

No.

Their corporate office?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.

My bad, my bad, my bad.

Yes, 24-hour convenience stores, and we've been provided with the phone number for their

corporate office.

So let me start off by changing my caller ID to match that.

Make sure we have the correct target package profile.

Thank you.

How's your game?

Jin, are you with us?

Are you falling asleep?

I'm with you, I'm with you, I'm with you.

Okay.

It's all right.

If you're tired and you need to go sleepy, all right.

Yeah maybe in like

10-15 minutes

I never heard that before

I think that's Notorious Bum

That's singing it.

You ever heard of Notorious B.U.M.?

He's really cool.

Thanks for calling Notorious.

Hey, you ever heard of the Notorious B.U.M.?

Notorious B-U-M?

No.

Oh, I thought because you were black, maybe you know, you know.

Hello?

Come on, don't be like that honey sister, honey baby.

Come on.

Uh-huh.

This guy is a rapper.

He's actually a bum.

He lives on the streets, and he was just discovered, and he just, I guess he used

to rap for money and shit like that.

Like, he'd wash his car and rap while he did it.

there's another old rapper

yeah yeah

but he was a bum

he's like a straight up bum

oh I see what you mean

but his raps

his raps

he actually has

a little bit of talent

it's actually some

really funny shit

that he raps about

living like a bum

he's got a song called

I Throw My Money On The Floor

and it's just

he like has dollar bills

he just throws them

on the floor

like I just waste my money

I throw them on the floor

yeah

so yeah

look up The Notorious Bum

this is him right here

I'm pretty sure

this is him

sounds like him

did she find did she find did she find someone all right different gas station is it true

did she find did she find i'll start you so busy now please tell your colleagues

my sister came over with no smile on her face she said you better sit down it's gonna hurt

What she has to say

Groceries 98, Rob speaking, how we help you?

Yeah, you can hurry up, not tell me what to do

Yeah, I was just curious to see if you had any eggs

Any eggs? No, I'm sorry, we don't sell eggs

Bitch, get some eggs

I know you have some things, do you have any eggs in your body?

Did you have menopause?

She did not like what I said at the beginning

I think she liked what I said

We're supposed to be singing.

We're from the corporate office.

We're ruining this.

We got one left.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault.

I'm the one doing it.

All right, here's the last one I got.

All right, so let's say...

She sounded like she would get pissed off.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, because when I miss it,

they'll tell me what to do.

She's like, what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think she would crack.

So our request here,

Tell them you have a complaint about the hot dogs.

Tell them to taste one of the hot dogs.

Try sliding it back and forth on their forehead like they're giving head, okay?

Tell them that Thorntons lost their license to sell beer and have them lock the beer cave doors.

Tell them that they have to greet customers on the intercom to the gas pumps with a joke of the day.

Never read a joke of the day.

So any of those are anything we want, right, Jen?

on me because we do what we want.

Now we're from the corporate office,

the company known as Thornton's Convenience

Stores. And here we go.

Corporate office is in Louisville, Kentucky.

Louisville.

Everything I said. I got all of that.

I wrote it down.

Louisville? Louisville.

No idea. There's a Dr. Pepper

Snapple Drink Urgency Hotline?

Yeah. Alright, so I'm going to give up

on this one and call the

Dr. Pepper Urgency

Hotline. Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper.

Did you know that if you mix Amaretto with 151 vodka, rum, right?

With some kind of soda, and it tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper.

Well, you can use Amaretto, 151 Bacardi, 151 rum, and you drop a match into it.

It'll catch on fire when you blow it out, and it tastes just like Dr. Pepper.

You reckon?

Uh-huh.

It's called the Flamin' Dr. Pepper.

Uh-oh.

Artie knows one that tastes just like Mountain Dew

Let me get him on here

He was calling

Artie had a drink

Artie, are you here?

Hey, we got Artie joining her

This is Artie, he's alright

He's not like the other guys

Okay, I'm back

Good, good, welcome back

We're calling Dr. Pepper

Line

Now Artie isn't joining

I was trying to get him to join

Artie, you asked to join

I put you on, you don't join

What the fuck

Thank you for calling me, answering service?

Yeah, I wanted to talk to someone about Dr. Pepper

Well, I can leave your information and have someone give you a call back.

Can you start?

Are you ready for the message?

Line one.

Cross called in regarding Dr. Pepper.

Stop.

Okay.

Next line.

His determination is that the Dr. Pepper is a piece of shit.

Stop.

Please respond kindly.

Next line.

Thanks, comma, space.

Enter Nick Gersh, MD.

Hello?

Bitch.

bitch whatever look i'm gonna take a break i'm gonna eat myself with uh i'm gonna have me but

i'm gonna go because you're gonna go you you got a big appointment man you need to take care of that

and get that shit straightened out man because i do you sound like you're fucking awake as fuck

you're wired as hell how is that possible after all this shit i know but if you don't get that

shit straightened out fucking jen okay so i want to i want to hear a report you got 12 hours to

get back to him and say shit this amount of shit i might have to sell my my watch

now seriously jen uh love you man thanks for being on catch you next week thanks for having

me i will at some point come on more often and more regularly yeah it's just a very difficult

time yeah i know it's a lot of stress and stress makes you less regular ask anyone yeah yeah

it's not really the stress it's the fact that i just have to work day and night that and hence

stress becomes stress and the ball that's stressful when you make loads of money it's okay

stress okay okay i'll call this stress all right it's stress well i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm just

I'm just off, Jim.

Alright, hey, thanks.

I know, I know.

You're on.

Trust me, you're on.

I'm gonna take a break and eat me some pickles.

I'm the nigger!

Yeah.

Alright.

I'm fucking through with that.

Alright, bye.

See you.

Alright, man.

Take care.

I'm the nigger.

I'm gonna shoot you.

Give me that money, yo.

Give me all that money.

Milkman, are you here?

Are you a customer still?

You're still a customer.

I'm gonna take a break.

Alright.

I'm gonna take a fucking break.

You better not have a problem with that, bitch.

When we come back, I got more calls I guess I can do, more numbers.

that have nothing really specific planned out.

I'm looking at the city of San Diego on Google Maps.

I sure already called a few places there,

including that pizza place.

We can call a few more places in that area.

We got swap shop people we haven't called yet.

Maybe we can call some more wankers.

I don't know.

Listen, get off my case and leave the fuck alone.

I'll be back when I get back.

Call Nisha.

Motherfuckers.

How y'all doing?

Venture State.

while I was doing things

that I've never noticed.

And that goes for everybody.

Um,

well, here's a 24-hour

coin laundry

staffed by Asians

in Austin, Texas.

How you doing?

How often do you guys

remove lint from the machines?

How often do you guys

remove lint from the machines every night is there a certain time you do that like right now

yeah and just just once a night you do or several times a night just once a night you do this or do

you do this separate several times a night once a night once a day 12 o'clock at night now how

much lint do you think accumulates about how much can you fill a bag with it maybe you think

let me change my color i did

i was calling back the last place before with my voice it sounds like this

So much dick in they mouth, that's why these motherfuckers speakin' funny

You need to speak clearer, dick, cause I can't hear ya

Johnson of the game, East Mainz, don't wanna play with me

Smile on your face, I know you hatin'

I know you're mad, cause I'm sick and it's plain to see

She ain't answerin' that fucker

Look, you guys speak Spanish there?

Yes

How much do you wash your clothes there?

It depends on the machines there

Okay, yo tengo dos putas que tengo aquí a lavar.

¿Dos qué?

Putas.

¿Qué es eso?

Putas son los muestras bien grandes que se doblan.

Oh, ahorita espérese.

Bueno.

Buenas tardes, señora, ¿cómo está?

Bien, gracias, ¿y usted?

Dios le bendiga.

Bien, muchas gracias.

Este, sí, le estoy explicando a la señora que tengo aquí lo que son como dos muestras.

Nosotros en la isla le decimos dos putas.

Los putas, pero yo creo que en otra parte del mundo, por eso es que he dicho otra cosa, pero no estoy diciendo nada para insultarle a ustedes.

Y creo que a lo mejor a ella se sintió mal.

Por favor, le puedo pedir perdón, por favor, déjale saber a la señora que no fue mi intención ofenderla a ella,

pero es que estas cosas de aquí donde yo soy le dicen putas, básicamente dicen...

We tell the women in Honduras that they are with one and with another,

eating the bread of every day.

And you know what it is, because in my island,

the problem is that the whores, well, that lady, the women,

use these mothers, because they can bend very easily,

and they put themselves on the floor, in a car,

and then the people fuck and chichan everything they want,

and you know, and then the man ends.

o cualquier cosa a ustedes y ustedes me pueden dar de esa pelusa esa que sale de las máquinas.

¿Para qué la ocupan?

Son varias necesidades aquí.

Hay unos estudios médicos en Toronto que contaron que esas pelusas como le dicen los americanos en Lint,

pues tienen mucho vitamina B12 y se pueden usar para hacer coagulantes como sopa.

No le creo.

Yes, yes, no, of course.

Ah, well, here we are taking it out, but we are taking it out together with the garbage.

Ah, I understand, no, but I go into the garbage and I take out that shit myself, that thing, I take it out.

And right now I think she's going to throw it away.

Ah, well, you are some motherfuckers, then.

Yeah, when she took it out, we filled the garbage bag and we're going to throw it away.

Ah, you are some motherfuckers, you two, two big motherfuckers there, fucking.

That was a good prank call.

Milkman, if you speak Spanish.

Good thing Milkman speaks Spanish.

You ride the Harley into the sunset, you ride the Harley into the sunset, you ride the Harley into the sunset

That's how I grew up, bro. Doing my first prank calls was like that.

You wanna know what I was just saying? Ask Siri, you know? Something like that, right?

I was gonna tell you.

Oh, I got a meet-up for you, sir. I only need one, sir.

You slut-gags. You can't go, bitch, you're easy.

Ask Siri, you motherfuckers. Ask Siri.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you.

You lost the connection, bitch. I appreciate it.

Yeah, I'm about to, like, I'm right down the street from my house.

I was about to call you back.

Call me back.

Yeah.

So you had a what burger?

A quesadilla burger?

What the fuck was it?

Quesadilla.

Quesadilla burger.

Okay.

Cool.

Their quesadillas are good there, and they burger them up.

There you go.

Yeah, I just need...

Dude, I got a dirty hooker story for you once I get back to the house.

Oh, wait, you had a story.

You said there was a story that made all the other ones pale in comparison, right?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, pretty much.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, let me get some weed for this.

I'm going to enjoy this story, Elliot.

Alright, I'm calling in the way now.

You can't say it in your car, right?

Because it might be bugged.

Hi, Dwight.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

Dwight!

Oh, you already, you were loud as a motherfucker.

It's fucking already, what are you talking about?

What was the rule back then?

What, 45 degree angle?

He had a whole phone up with a pillow in between.

Dude, I'm using Bluetooth.

You sound fine now.

You're just a loud guy.

It's like those kids that yell

everything they say.

I'm glad to see that we fought.

We called the bench holds and asked where

they were hiding you and keeping you captive.

And I got threatened to be murdered like three times.

I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, that's what we were doing yesterday.

I heard some of it.

We're trying to free you

and all of them are like, yes, we have him.

Yeah, the one lady

saying, yeah, we have him.

Alright, I'll be right back. I'm switching

devices. Oh, yeah.

I want to hear the story, man.

I just got done watching the unauthorized

story of Full House

and apparently

Bob Saget likes doing whippets

a lot. Really?

What the hell's that noise? Is that you?

Yeah, that noise?

yeah there we go i should take care of it that was crazy that was my fan what's going on it's

on turbo speaking off on shit turbo dude he's a crazy he's a funny comedian it wasn't until i saw

i didn't know about his really funny side until um the thing in half baked where he said would

you ever suck dick for coke i was like oh shit he said that he did that now that's an addiction

addiction i was nuts because i just knew him from full house and then from america's

funniest videos and he was just like such a dick i was like he's such a dork because i hated him

because i thought he was just like a straight dick comedian like that you know right like a

white bill cosby motherfucker out there i saw that like holy shit the dude's really funny

yeah they uh i was just watching i think they uh put this out yesterday but

but they showed him, like, oh, he's, like, doing whippets

and just doing wild shit all around the set and stuff,

and they had to keep telling him to fucking cut it out

and to, like, you know, quit being such an asshole around the kids.

He was, like, in the show, he was straight-laced.

Like, they used to say, like, he wore the same,

like, he had all his outfits were pre-printed and pre-planned and perfect.

I remember there was an episode like that

where he got upset because someone moved one of his shirts

from one side to the other

in the closet

and it didn't match.

I hope you get a paper cut

on your tongue

from a laser

and a paper cup.

That was stupid.

That was a good show.

Eh,

I watched it growing up.

Out of all those,

I would really care

the most for Family Matters.

Family Matters, yeah.

And the one

that I always wanted

to see succeed

and a special place

in my heart for

was the one

with Balky,

Perfect Strangers.

Oh yeah,

Balky.

Yeah.

Because I started off

on NBC originally

when he moved out of the ABC.

What is his name?

Belkibatakis or some shit like that.

He was some weird half-Greek kind of guy.

Yeah, I used to watch it.

He was good looking.

Was he from a family of sheep herders?

I just remember when he became fresh young Belkibi.

He became a rapper, like a rap star, for an episode.

What I always remember, and probably more recently,

is from the Beverly Hills Cops.

He was working in the art gallery in the first one.

Was he?

yeah his name was uh serge or some shit i don't know i know the last i saw him were like some

dentine commercials or trident commercials in the 90s um let's do for a resurgence i don't know

all right already was the story come on you want to hear everyone excited sex story already i hope

there's some dick in the story i got a boner so like two or three weeks ago i was like really

horny one night it was about like it wasn't that late either and i i called a bunch of hookers and

i came across this one on the internet i'm like damn i want to fuck her oh she's like okay i'll

be over in 20 minutes which i'm like 20 minutes fuck yeah usually a lot longer and shit um she

gets there that was freed on 200 for an hour and she's she mentions so your bucks i can give you

you an hour a really special hour and a half i'm like fuck it all right let's let's go at it so

like she starts sucking my dick and she tells me oh i'm not full service either by the way and i'm

like what then and i was like instantly like limp it was like what are you talking about oh meaning

she's not she's not gonna like fuck yeah so she started off like i'll give you a real special i

know hour and a half and all this shit or whatever and then it's like oh by the way now that i got

got your money no i don't fuck yeah exactly rip off already what happened i told arty yeah he was

telling me about that and i said dude you should have fucking took your money back and slapped the

bitch he dropped he dropped do you already know the story dwight yeah he uh i think it was right

after it happened he called me on skype talking about he's like dude what the fuck would you do

and i was like dude i'd fucking slap her i was like i paid for something and she's denying me

he's dropping out no we don't know is that is that the end of the story right you think or

there's some more to this well yeah i think there's more but he called like for advice he's

like what the fuck would you do man he's like i was like i'd get my fucking money back so she's

already got it yeah when that happens yeah that's fucked up problem is they always have like a

strong man back there with a sock full of quarters yeah you don't you don't agree on shit and then

you start you know putting in you know here's the disclaimer and shit that you didn't read the

fine print but that's on arty for now you're supposed to leave on you know are you f full

full sacks or not, you gotta

come from the beginning with it.

But he's not.

He's already.

Party farty.

I was still waiting on him to come back.

Still waiting on him to come back.

We got a, what is it, a week from Friday

we do the draft? Yeah.

Yeah, I did a different draft tonight

and it didn't go that well.

They have team quarterback on that draft.

You don't draft a quarterback,

you draft a team quarterback, so

So you always have whatever quarterback on that team, you know?

Oh, did you see the Lions, the preseason against the Redskins?

They fucking murdered RG3.

Oh, I heard about that.

Yeah, so now he's questionable.

He was just getting nailed in the second quarter.

I'm like, why the fuck is he still in there?

And the Lions came and hit him again, and he was laying out in the field.

And they finally, after five minutes, get him up.

He's walking off.

And I'm like, dude, he looks like he doesn't know where the fuck he is.

I was like, I think he's got a concussion.

And I think I'm trying to go, oh, no, no, it's a stinger.

It's a stinger.

And then fucking on the news later that night, oh, he has a concussion.

Fucking idiots.

Morari's dropping out.

Oh, the warrior wanted me to tell you.

He said, what's up?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Anyway, well, I think I'm going to end the show anyway.

I had a problem.

The thing dropped.

I dropped, I came back, and I don't think I even did a call, did I?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Well, it was good talking to Dwight.

It was good talking to you.

Everybody thought you were just doing an epic ending to the show.

No.

Did you just drop the mic and walk away?

No.

The mixer, I got these two filters sucked up to it,

and if I talk too loud onto it, it starts to...

It gets to the point where it kind of locks.

It's hard to explain.

And it locks, like, the sound card, the incoming line in on the sound card locks the level.

And maybe because it had these, like, automatic adjustment things that are supposed to keep the bass from being too high or the audio being too low off and on.

I think it causes more problems than not.

But it locks, like, the sound card off.

So everything that was using audio or recording or streaming it, like, went white and went to the whole, would you like to wait for a response or this or that?

I'm like, oh, shit.

You fucking blew it up.

I just started killing them one by one, trying to find the one that would free it up.

There's always one that frees it up.

Anyway, I need to do something about this.

Did you see what I just put in the Skype chat there?

No.

I think I sent you the video.

I don't know if you saw it, but it was epic.

That's cool.

All right, Dwight.

I'll check that out.

Is there a conference going on?

Maybe I'll join?

I think Gordo's got something going.

Artie's back.

Hang on.

What do you got, Artie?

All right, so what happened?

Where did I get cut off?

uh she had your money she's not full service she's not full service yeah she tells me she's

not full service and then she's like okay you can titty fuck me and i'm like i tried titty

fucking her but she wouldn't take her shirt or her bra off and i'm like what you could jerk off

better than that yeah and i'm thinking i just wanted at the end of this point like i i should

have tried to get my money back but she's like trying to leave and she says her ride is has

broke down like the guy who was coming to get her and i'm like it's just one fucking thing after

another i'm like what the fuck so like she asked me if i can take her to sanford and i'm like nah

i didn't really feel like it just because like i didn't want to be her be around her outside of

the house you know yeah no fuck that it'd be like you fucked me over now you want a favor

and then um then she's like well she tells me the road name and it's like right around the

the corner from the house that the dudes broke up broke down on and i'm like yeah i'll take you

over there it's like right in my neighborhood so like we're going and she's like saying something

about she he says the car is on fire or something and i'm like how about how about i just take you

to sanford i'm thinking maybe i can get some actual pussy out of taking her to sanford you

know okay and then she's like well you'll have to bring my son he's in the car oh my

and i'm like what kind of fucking white trash shit is this so like i'm like no i don't i'm

kind of fucked up right now i don't want to have to drive a kid around it's one thing having an

adult in the car yeah and then she's like okay you can drop me off i turn around the corner

and there's a chevy avalanche in the middle of the fucking road with a fucking fire coming out

out of the right weirwell what huge fucking fire kind of like it was going up the whole

fucking vehicle god damn and i'm like what the fuck is going on tonight

so like you were hoping you just weren't hallucinating no i was not hallucinating

dude i went back later and there's like burn marks and shit

did you just drop her off and like go let's see ya like well no she she runs out of the car she's

like get my son away from there it's gonna it's gonna explode and i'm like what the fuck i need

to get the fuck out of here yeah so and hold on i'm texting you like exactly where it was

because this will make you laugh right in front of this place oh boy not one road that leads up

to it really yeah of all the places that is insane in the middle of that little t you know

the t yeah yeah yeah oh my god in the middle i turn around and he just parked in the fucking

middle of that t that's such like a well-known little area right there like everyone knows

about it that's so funny and like i'm thinking i don't need anyone seeing me around this person

you know no it's supposed to be discreet and now you're like fucking stuck with him nah

and then she grabs her son and then she comes back she's like we'll be okay just go and i'm

just like you didn't have to tell me twice see you that was the longest three-point turn i've

ever taken in my life i already started out the night thinking he was getting some pussy

by the end of the night he was babysitting just about man that's nuts only already dude

dude. That sucks about getting ripped off,

though. You should have, like, yeah, I don't

know. That's a deal breaker. I mean,

not that I partake in that stuff, but I would

imagine, like, if she comes and says,

yeah, no, no, you gave me your money,

a lot of it, and I told you, oh,

extra special. So what was her

deal, what was going to be so extra special

about this time where her wife, she's...

It was fucking me over. She gets an extra,

he gets an extra half hour. Wow.

Of being fucked over. Yeah, she

probably needed me to babysit for, like, an hour

and a half. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, she goes to her next...

Here's the fucked up thing, though.

She might have been pregnant.

Are you sure she was a dude?

She wasn't a dude?

No, it was not a dude.

How do you know?

Did you see the pussy?

That's a good point.

Did you see it?

Those were God-made titties.

Did you...

No, they might have been Doctor-made titties.

No, there was no such thing.

Doctor-made titties are more perfect than God-made titties.

We all know that.

Yeah, but you can feel the difference.

They got enough money, you can feel the difference.

go to a decent place miami or something um or california listen are you didn't get to even

like see her cooch or nothing like that wasn't him that was a woman dude by her reaction get

my son away from there did she have a uh a six inch clit she had a big clit small i felt down

there there was nothing down there oh wow you got the feel down there for 250 dollars wow

Wow. What a good deal.

Dude, that's fucked up.

Oh yeah, she got naked. Fuck. I was really stoned that night.

Mr. Smorgon believes it was a man.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

Alright, now for reals I'm gonna go.

Bye Artie. Bye Dwight.

Thank you for being on.

I know we didn't do much here in the second part.

Deal with it. Bye.

Calls (24, 1 h 5 min of 1 h 51 min)

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