Where You At?

The horses will be tied by rope to the bumper, just on their back legs, and then I'll just start driving, and it'll drag the horses.

You'll kill them out that way.

You let me sit down in the car with you, and you flop your dick out in your ass for grass, son.

$300.

I will beat you all over this goddamn parking lot.

I will make your face this goddamn pavement.

You understand me, you son of a bitch?

$300.

You understand me?

$300.

I hope you fucking see me, you cocksucking son of a bitch.

I will beat the fuck out of you.

You're listening to Madhouse Live on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

You know something?

We're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico.

We're going to California and Texas and New York.

We're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan.

again, and then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House.

Yeah, you looking for odd jobs around, you know, doing some work?

Yeah.

What's your current situation, brother?

What you got going on?

I mean, I'm just doing jobs.

All right, well, I got a 25-acre ranch.

Do you know where Horse Machine Ranch is?

Or maybe you can find it.

There's a new development called Horse Machine Ranch, and I have a 25-acre ranch out here.

i got a creek that runs through it and i got i got a lot of animals i got a lot of chickens i

got a lot of cars you can fix cars you can do some cleaning um fix fix little odds and then

i got a pool you can clean the pool maybe i can bring you on uh i'll pay you uh twelve dollars

an hour uh and i'll i'll work you a good i'll give you a double time and a half overtime and

and I'll work you up to 60 hours a week sometimes, probably, motherfucker.

That sounds good.

Yeah, you can move in, but I got a property here.

I got a compound, and I have a house that was for the gardener,

but that motherfucker fucked up big time.

He fucked my daughter, so I kicked his ass out.

Yeah, but I don't need you coming here fucking my daughter and all that shit.

That ain't true.

I got a wife and kid, man.

All right, well, you can bring the wife and kid can move in here.

here there's a there's a one there's a two-bedroom little uh house machine over there with a small

kitchenette you can use that motherfucker you can move in on there if everything works out i need

to check you out gotta do background you got anything on your background you got any duis

anything like that what you got i'm gonna do background as far as my background goes uh the

The only thing that is on my background is a DUI from last year.

Oh, shit.

Oh, well, there goes that, then.

Forget it.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, it's $50,000 a year, plus you get free rent on the house here on the ranch.

There's a small house for you and the family.

You can stay.

It's included in your salary and all that, but yeah, DUI, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

That was in a whole different state.

Ah, shit, really?

Well, maybe it won't come up.

I don't know, but now you done told me.

I don't know.

I can pull it now.

Can you come over tonight, and I'll pay you to come over tonight and fix some stuff,

and I'll interview you, I'll get you an access card and fingerprints and all that.

Where's the ranch?

Yeah, I can come over tonight.

Horse Machine Ranch.

You know where Horse Machine Ranch is?

is uh i can i can uh on my mac yeah find it yeah it's all right you want to meet at the walmart's

yeah it sounds good all right uh when can you be at the walmart's uh i can be there in 45 minutes

i'm in mortisburg all right and i'll call this number here yeah ah shit damn it all right well

i'll i'll talk to you then you go ahead and get ready get your get some nice boots on and i'll

be right i'll meet you there and i'll i'll drive you out of the property and all that all right

all right i'll give you a call all right hey uh hey um i'm in a mercedes band

i'll be in a silver ford taurus silver ford taurus all right well i'll give you a call then

and we'll see each other all right all right damn it all right he's gonna go to the walmart's

if i'm still on 45 minutes from now because i'm tired but if i'm still on i can give him a call

back that'd be great all right this is carlito and you're listening to madhouse radio that was

the first prank call of the night i was trying to get a quick prank in there you know and now

we set someone up set them up uh head on over to madhouse live.com that's my main website

there's also prank call nation.com there's shows on just about every day of the week

subscribe to the podcast just listen to the shows right there there's also a chat room

or irc chat room that's uh yeah at the chat yeah the chat section over there at prankcallnation.com

just go over there and click on chat click on chat it's like cat with an a all right here's

someone looking for a grill we'll i'll get oh i forgot to hit one

with that german shit um i forgot to dial one i'll get some more of that information shit in a

a minute ago i want to do you guys know already you already know you're right i'm very tired

but i figured i should do something yeah hey you're looking for a grill yeah all right what

are you looking to do with that i'm looking for one to put on a tractor yeah all right yeah i got

four of them tractors here i got a ranch horse machine horse machine ranch yeah that's my ranch

uh you got a a cub grill yeah yeah for a 47 i got i got two 47s i got a 52 and a 48

yeah are they in pretty good shape oh they're beautiful shape beautiful fucking shape the

this one here the grill off of this one you can get off the 47 um i got really mad and i took a

baseball bat and i started hitting um but like other components not the grow i didn't hit the

grill at all um but i hit like a lot of like the like the fuel filter i held a hit really hard

on the fuel filter uh while i was running and it wasn't a good idea the whole thing uh almost

i almost got emulated they call it emulated emulated yeah that's what they told me that

i could have been emulated yeah but what do you want for i looked up and i saw the good lord's

hand come down i swear to god i saw the good lord's hand come down and the flames didn't do

nothing to me i don't know if you believe in the lord but he uh came to me then i have fire all

around me just like that guy in the bible uh he walked in the fire and nothing happened to him

and it happened to me and the flames went away and then now what i can do is if i i can concentrate

really hard and i get flames come out of my fingertips and my hands like that uh what do

watch what do you want for the grill huh how much do you want for the grill uh i don't know what's

it go for i don't know i don't know this isn't my motherfucker you know i i took a baseball bat

and then i started shooting at it i started shooting uh a revolver at it listen i'm gonna

gonna do the thing with my hands i'm gonna light them on fire hang on there you go here you see

that and i'll put them out there it's really cool like i can i can make fire come out of my hands

like my hands will pull like that where are you located uh you know where the walmart's is in

rogersville yeah uh down the street from there you take a ride it's a new development called

horse machine ranch uh it's called horse machine ranch rose a brand new light there and you uh

take that right right there and i'm i'm up i'm up a ways uh down by the creek i got a 25 acre ranch

out here is that is that off 11 11 or off of uh 66 66 okay you want to connell come up over here

now no i can't i can't come over now why not uh i might be able to come over tomorrow afternoon

were you already sleeping no uh-uh oh what time you go to sleep now usually about 11 or something

oh you want i can come bring it to you i want to come bring it to you we can look at it together

uh i want to do well i can run over tomorrow afternoon yeah but i want to see you now you

know the whole part of this was to see you now you know well i really want to do it i can't do

it it's just i haven't seen you in so long i just wanted to at least you know catch up with you

you know while we take care of this i wanted to be able to i haven't seen you in so long

it's been a long time well you had never seen me i don't imagine yeah sure i done yeah sure i done

last time i saw you was at the walmart's but i'll uh i'll think about it all right well i mean

what's wrong do you have uh one of these tractors yourself no not i've got one but i don't want to

selling with the grill what's did you break the grill on it well the grill was missing on it when

i got it oh did you try fucking it and the grill fell off you put you put your pecker in the front

of it and fuck it and you broke the grill finally did something with that guy it's finally what's

over here over here all right he hung up i was hoping he'd say something or try to dial star

star six nah maybe he called the walmart's he called the walmart's walmart's the following

is the number for a person who's looking for a used clothes dryer clothes dryer and i forgot the

one talking to me in german tonight or austrian probably german right yeah hey you're looking for

a clothing dryer oh no i've already got one thank you oh were you looking to ride it because the

The one I got here gets you off really quick if you get on top of it.

When you put it on the fast cycle.

Is that what you were looking for?

Hello?

You're listening to me talking like this while you're listening to me.

Now I call someone who is have a yard sale.

Now we call a yard sale.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you still got any of them things from that yard sale?

I'll make you a good offer on everything.

Who is this?

Tanner.

My name's Tanner.

I didn't say anything.

Hello, ma'am?

Tanner.

That's a good name.

That's a cool name.

It's like Hunter.

I'm not a hunter, I'm the Tanner.

Tanner must be a bad job back in the day.

Back in, yeah, because...

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

them animal tanning and hide tanning was a very uh poor it was an important job but in the village

or in the wherever with the people that had to have this job was bad because it was smelled so

bad the process of making the leather and the tans like back in medieval europe and stuff it

was basically putting uh the hides and uh basically feces animal feces and piss and urine and shit

just festering um my history is correct it was a very disgusting process but it was how they

had to make leather back then i guess for some reason i think that's the case i was playing

i play total war games a lot you know the total war series and i think total war rome or medieval

two one of those it had like a one of the buildings you can build with a tanner and with

those games the cool thing is you can right click on anything in the game and it'll give you a like

Like, it'll give you the information, like, in-game, what the stats are for it.

But then it'll actually go into the history.

It gives you, like, you know, usually you get a few good paragraphs of good information and stuff on the history of it.

And I'm pretty sure the tanning one said that.

It was, like, a real nasty process.

Yeah.

Anyway, call the yard sale people back again?

Oh, man.

No answer.

All right.

We got dogs.

Dog machine.

Dog being sold like dog slaves.

Yes, hi.

I understand you have some dog machines.

machines lab puppy machines yeah little puppy machines puppies they're not machines well i

you know they we put we just give them a number and call them a machine and we put them to work

basically oh no i'm not interested in that these are family pets yeah but no they're full akc

register we put them to work they're english bloodlines they they have to be shown they have

to be shown it'd be a shame for them not to be shown why would you do that you're you're ruining

the sport and the bloodline by doing that these dogs will be groomed properly and they will be

trained and they will be shown okay and we'll specifically having our contract that you can't

try to get any anything out of any winnings that we get from the dogs being shown oh okay well

they're all uh spoken for anyway we have two males left this week but they're gone now all right so

do you have a male a breeding pair then is that what you're doing uh no i do not oh the family

family pet oh yeah i'm sorry but you got you got a you got the you have do you have the bitch or

the male the stud you had the the female and then the male is my brothers okay so but you had them

get together and fucking all that okay bye well that's how you do it right yeah let's call back

see if the husband is what you say what did you say to my wife motherfucker if he was a man he

He would do it.

Oh, man.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay, okay.

Why not?

We'll try a third time.

Why not?

A second time.

Really?

If that doesn't pick up, we have another yard sale that occurred.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I'll call back.

All right, next.

Yard sale.

Yeah, hi.

Did you have a yard sale this weekend?

You got any stuff left?

I'll make you an offer on everything or any of the major things.

things uh these knickknacks i buy them all make an offer good offer get them off your hands the

only thing that we have left is shutters the vinyl shutters i think we've got um 10 of those left and

four of the small ones 39 the big ones are 55 and the small ones are 39 all right well were these

shutters used somewhere that had like a lot of redneck smoking and stuff like that do i know

uh were these shutters used in a place that had like a lot of redneck smoking cigarettes in the

the house and shit like that they've got them stinky or stained are they no they're shutters

for outside your house like they were blue and they faded from the sun some oh yeah they repaint

yeah they're outside vinyl shutters oh those motherf oh yeah all right good i can make a

nice sale with that right uh they're fifty dollars new uh we were trying to get rid of them for eight

dollars a piece yeah uh five for the small ones um they can they're in excellent condition they

They just got to be painted.

All right.

Unless somebody wants the faded look.

Yeah, because, listen, I got a property out in the woods, and I could use them.

I'm building it myself.

I'll call it my fucking hole.

It's just a one-room kind of little shed over there.

You could use some siding or something to keep the water out,

but I just got a mattress in there, some gallons of water,

and I do a lot of fucking out there.

Okay.

So how much are these going for?

You can get rid of them for $8 apiece.

How many do you have?

Yeah, let's do the math, honey baby.

You got $8 a piece at how many?

We have 14 total.

God damn it.

14 total.

I think we have 11 now.

11?

And we've got two of the 39 inch.

So we've got, I mean, it's a total of.

You got 11 for $8 each?

Yeah, you're right.

So that's 11 plus 8, $19.

All right.

Makes sense.

I can do that.

That's a good deal.

$19 for all 11?

No, that's not right, Matt.

No, you said you have 11 of them, right?

And how much each one?

They're a set.

For a set, we were doing $8.

$8 for the set?

But it was $88.

But 11, and then you add the 1.

Add 8, 11 plus 8, 9, 1, 9.

That's not how it goes?

It's 11 times 8, so that would be $88.

Wait, 11 times 8.

Hang on.

11 times 8.

What's the trick for the 11?

It's just multiplication.

11 times 8.

Is 11...

Okay, so that's the one where I can take the number I'm multiplying by,

and the 1, it just becomes the number, right?

On the other...

On the bottom.

Multiplication, sir.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry I'm stupid at math.

Lean in for my fucking hole.

Someone looking to buy some folding tables.

Folding tables, yeah.

Fuck you, then.

Uh, another yard sale.

A lot of yard sales this weekend, man.

End of the summer, you know.

End of yard sale season, I guess.

Can't have no yard sale in the winter, unless you're in Florida, California.

Hey, Big Vagina, I'm calling about that yard sale you had.

Yes.

Uh, you got any, uh, stuff left over, Vagina?

I can give you an offer.

I'll make an offer on everything.

Take them off your hands.

I'll make you a nice big offer.

Cash.

And that's something you'd have to speak with my husband about.

Okay.

All right, big vagina.

Can you put them on?

Too many big vaginas.

I'm creating them with my stupidity.

My insistence on using just verbal disgusting words.

Hey, big Becky, I'm calling you.

To get them shits off your hands

I wanna make you an offer cash

And come down and strip off my pants and my underwear

Show you what's cooking down there

And you know you want it

You want me to take you there

If you are satisfied with your message

Press 1 to listen to your message

Press 2 to erase and re-record

Press 3, message review

Yeah, Big Becky, I'm calling you to get some shits off your hands.

I want to make you an awful cash and come down and strip off my pants and my underwear.

Show you what's cooking down there.

I know you want it.

You want me to take you there.

You are satisfied with your message.

Press 1 to listen to your message.

To send your message with normal delivery.

Thank you.

Your message has been...

And away it goes.

All right, that guy still has some time to get down to the Walmarts.

I want to make sure he's already at the Walmarts.

Walmarts.

Someone here with an 83 Ford F100 for sale.

That's a classic car.

Yeah, man.

Drive that car to the fucking arm wrestling competition.

Cobra.

Hey, how you doing?

You got a Ford F100, big penis?

Yeah, it's a F100.

I got an 83 Ford F100 with a 400 big block in it.

Still got the original engine?

engine you ever change it out i know it was probably changed out what i got because that

motor didn't come an 83 forward didn't come out with a 400 oh yeah yeah that's what i thought

that's why i done asked you you know i wasn't yeah okay i just want to make sure you know what

you're talking about too um that's good how many uh miles you think since you got it then since

the engine was put in do you estimate well i'm gonna estimate uh it ain't got 60 000 miles on

a rebuilt motor all right okay that's good all right and um does it have a a bumper like one

can i i need a tie i needed to tie some um some horses i'm going to tie them by their legs to

the back of the bumper and then drive drive the horse yes what do you mean have the horse pull the

truck no um the horses will be tied by rope to the bumper just on their back um back legs and

And then I'll just start driving, and it'll drag the horses.

You'll kill them right that way.

Well, they done lost at racing.

They're bad blood, man.

We got to disbreed them.

We can't breed horses like this.

They're losers.

Oh, what?

They done dead?

You're going to drag them and put them in a hole?

Well, we're going to lose more money on them,

boring and feeding them and giving them medical care,

and they're fucking losers.

All they do is lose is cock-sucking horses.

Yeah, we got like 10 of them.

We got to cull the herd.

buying that, come get them for free.

They're killing them all the morning.

Well, this ain't got to do with you.

This is between me, you, and the Ford truck I'm buying.

I want to make an offer on that.

that what's the offer uh give you uh i'll give you 350 i need at least 1200 out of it i know

what that truck is man shit well you're gonna stay quiet about the horses i'll give you i'll

give you 12 1200 that's what i want for it you're gonna stay quiet about the horses you ain't gonna

tell no one in the horse race hell if you take the truck for whatever you i don't know nothing

about the damn horse whatever you do with them that's your business yeah you know my grandpappy

he used to do the same thing with black people the colors he used to do that with them that's

where we got the idea from who's this my grandpappy yeah that was a long time ago long long time

yeah that's a long long time ago i'm talking about you wanted with pam right

huh are you the one that put pam yeah i'm with pam okay i just want to figure out who you was

yeah yeah i didn't look at i didn't look at the number or nothing i just answered the phone yeah

Yeah, I'm a big racist.

You know that.

Yep.

Oh, you're going to get rid of Obama?

No, no, just the horses.

I thought you were going to run over Obama.

No, God, no.

You can't say that.

Are you crazy, sir?

I've got to report you.

What's your name?

Jerry.

Okay.

And you made a threat against President Barack Obama.

The time is 9.

I was just joking on that one, though.

I just joke around.

All right, hang on.

So you're saying that.

Let me get that.

I've got to make sure I get that word for word.

I was just joking.

All right, so on one count of verbal threats, how do you plead?

Guilty, not guilty?

Huh?

Hello?

Yeah, come on.

All right, that wasn't that good.

But seriously, are you okay?

You're not going to tell anyone what I do with this truck after I get it, right?

I can drag the horses all I want?

Oh, hell, you buy it and you take it off away from me.

You put $1,200 in my hand and it needs two front tires, so I'm only switching the battery.

and you can do whatever the hell you want with it.

Well, listen, the Horse Racing Commission,

they'll definitely are going to,

not definitely, but there's like a 70% chance

that they'll come to you to ask

if I said anything about horses.

They do that.

They check up on me all the time.

They'll come down.

They'll probably enter your house

without your permission, without a warrant.

They usually do that.

And there's like three or four of them.

Can you call me back in a minute?

I got a phone call I got to take.

Who's calling?

I don't know.

That's the reason why I got to look.

Who do you think it is at this time?

You think it's family?

I don't know.

You think it's long distance?

Can you hang out a minute?

Let me answer and I can get back to you.

I'll be right here.

Yep.

That's what I thought.

Fucking chicken ass motherfucker him.

I'm on some losers here.

It's good to see him.

He'll be sending me numbers.

Sure.

Hopefully.

I think.

Maybe.

that'd be nice um okay we just called about the ford f-150 f-100 not even uh here is a

min pin for sale miniature pincher she house broken to p pad up to date on shots please call

that's exactly what i said that i mean that's exactly what it says here i'll read it again

Again, verbatim reg, CKC, female, men, pin for sale, she, house broken to P, pad up to date on shots, please call.

There it is.

Tennessee, everybody.

It's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay.

Instead, now we have looking for Section 8, approved house for rent.

Yeah.

Section 8.

I do not have a job, but I do get Section 8, and I'm currently going to school for criminal justice.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay, so please call ASAP.

Have three boys and one boy due in November.

Want to move before he gets here.

All right, but dude, you got no job and you got three babies.

Let's see where the dad is.

It's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

It's hard to get him.

We got another yard sale that was held this weekend.

Hello?

You're looking for Section 8?

You're looking for Section 8 housing?

A Section 8 house?

Yeah.

Are you still looking?

Yeah.

Okay, good, good.

good uh i have a house that just became available i had to kick them out um they were uh they had

i don't know they were like those muslim arab people you know and i didn't want their people

in there i went in there they had like all the their stuff out um like their uh quran stuff out

and i said you gotta get rid of that in my house and they were like no no it's all right all right

and i kicked them the fuck out fuck them um so you're you're a white girl then what you're a

a white girl hello oh hello hello oh why i just asked if she's a white girl she did not like that

that must mean that she's i was gonna ask if the kids were really a mixed race kids what biracial

mulatto what can you say right here's that yard sale instead fuck do an automatic voice message

system four two three three two as i was saying a lot of yard sales this weekend it appears out

out in america then the summer machine very excited you got wankers coming in from lonesome

loser we'll be getting to those in a moment hello yeah you had a yard sale this last weekend if you

have any stuff left over i'll make you a good offer cash money get it out of your hands off

your hands i've been waiting oh yeah all right well um you know keep in mind keep in mind if

you end up with a lot of stuff at the end you want me to come by i'll make you an offer and all

clothes, anything you got.

Anything. What I can't sell

myself in my flea market, I'll sell it

for scrap. Or I'll use it myself.

I'll make sexual toys out of them. It's not a problem.

So keep me in mind. You got the number on the

ID? What kind of stuff you's gonna have?

Clothes, toys,

household stuff.

Little bit of everything. What kind of toys?

The ones for penetration? The what?

The penetration toys?

No, no. Kids toys.

Yeah, I know. But can you

penetrate with them?

uh no do any of them go buzz buzz like that like buzzing around vibration you know when you put

your phone on vibrate do any of the toys do that yeah some of them do i want to shovel up your ass

are you having fun okay i'm glad i'm touching it right now i'm having fun yeah

she wanted to have fun guys right well hey excuse me while i have some fun

get mad at me she obviously came on to me on the phone all right let me write i got two numbers

left here on the swap shop so let's get those real quick we got chef mate stove for sale works good

this is my electronic quest kit okay a hundred dollars oboe

Call Rejected

Stop

No

Try again

If I learn how to type shit

Here we go

Call Rejected

No, Call Rejected

Alright

The last one on this list

I have a practically new

M-Audio Fast Track Guitar

Microphone interface

Which allows you to record guitar on your computer

Blah, blah, blah, USB, great for recording, blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

I get it, I get it, we'll do it.

And I gotta get to loan some numbers after that, so shut up.

Hello?

I'm a beast, like the gorilla head that is on my Chevy Flex.

I'm going off, I need some fucking bread.

Niggas try to figure, but all I hear in my interview.

Why is this so cool?

You niggas are so on you.

Yeah, hello.

You have a guitar microphone interface, which allows you to record guitar and or keyboard

and sync through inputs straight onto your computer.

Yes, I do.

It records onto a PC via USB port.

You can also run audio.

audio out into various amplification amplifications or headphones right good um is there anything else

uh well that that pretty much covered it is great for recording your own song or album um that's an

opinion right yeah yeah okay i mean i get i'm only asking 40 for it thanks and ask for brian

My number

Okay, is Brian there?

This is Brian

Oh, hey Brian

I'm calling because you have a guitar microphone interface

Right

M-Audio Fast Track

That's what it is

It allows you to record guitar and or keyboard

And sing through the inputs straight out onto your computer

Right

And it records onto a PC via USB port

And you can also run the audio out

And the various amplifications or headphones

And it's great for recording your own song or album

Per your opinion

and you're only asking $40 for it.

Right.

Okay, all right, thank you.

All right, thanks.

Well, yeah, can we go ahead and do that?

Can I arrange that?

Okay.

Weird.

Okay, wrong from Uber.

Oh, we got Parkman numbers.

Shit, I forgot.

Um, let me call a few of these lonesome numbers, then we'll do Parkman numbers.

Alright, wanker number one.

I'm this bitch like Hocus Pocus.

I met up with some bitches, gave them cum and a dip post.

And then my dick went lip so.

Took about three pills of this.

And don't buy during limbo.

Harder than a soft right hook from Kimbo.

On PC, BS, cilantro.

When I'm with your bitch, I'm like, where my dick go?

Hello?

Hey, hey.

Hello?

Hi, is William there?

No, sorry.

William Parr?

No, who's speaking?

Has he passed?

Who's speaking, please?

This is Eddie.

Who's Eddie?

Eddard.

Eddie, he calls me.

Eddie, I'm a friend of William Antony.

par well it's not here sorry well he's never been here no what do you have so much vested

interest in who i am then why is that you have a lot of vested interest in who i was i'm wondering

if maybe there's a connection here honey

I think I'm about to eat her whole egg show and lie that I got a lot of that cream and I'm paying

not it seems that I'm proud of placement but I'm not I'm just fucking awesome your mama look like

a ugly ugly loser won't you teach me how to dance how to dance won't you teach me how to dance

teach me how to hello hello yeah hi is that will yeah hi this is eddard how are you who eddard my

My name is Edward.

Well, I'm very pleased to hear that.

I don't think I'm the person you want to speak to.

Yeah, this is Will.

You're at 12, number 12, Keldy Road.

That's right.

I'm here at number 16 down the way.

It's a little further down.

You're at number 16?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, are you?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm all right.

I just moved here from the United States.

I married a British woman, and I came over here for citizenship.

Yeah.

Can you tell me about it tomorrow?

No, there's a problem here, actually.

It's coming from your place.

it's just been a lot of noise and stuff coming from where you live from your home there have you

been flushing the toilet at all the loop huh you haven't been flushing the toilet a lot huh

because my water keeps going down over here motherfucker you didn't hang up the phone

okay let's call the previous number

I asked something stupid I could have gone somewhere else I had to go to the toilet you

were making a lot of noise of course he knows he knows his bullshit then because he knows he

hasn't been making a lot of noise this guy is either wrong or just

All right, here's another William, Mr. Adrian Williams.

Williams.

Hello.

Yeah, is that Adrian?

Yeah.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, I do.

You're at number 20, Clow Hall.

I'm here at number 28.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen.

Have you flushed the lube tonight at all?

Have you noticed anything with the water here in the pipe system?

You know, at number 28, are they?

Hmm?

Yeah.

The water's coming through hot and brown.

You got the wrong number.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're at 20.

You're at 20, uh, Clore Hall Road.

Come on, man.

I'm here eating sriracha.

By itself.

I have sriracha addiction.

Oh!

Hello?

Yeah, you're at 20.

You're at 20, Clore Hall Road.

Please help.

Please help me.

I'm at 28.

Please help

Help

Help me

Seriously, I could use some help

If you wouldn't mind

If you could be so gracious to help me

I'll keep you on the line

I'm going to call

A reverend now

A reverend

Father David New

Father New

Oh no

I don't need to dial one for that

I have a guy hung up finally

Oh busy

Priest is busy we'll try him again

busy

damn I was excited to speak to that dude

the reverend

alright David Falks

he's Patton Falks

alright let's have Patton Falks call him

Patton Falks

this next call goes out to

our old friend Patton Falks

who Donald Frank calls now

he's gotten married

he's gotten sober and clean

and clearer and skinnier

he smells better now

puts on deodorant now

he bathes his body now

hello hello hello this is patent

fox hello hello

david fox david fox

hello can you talk to me

about your pokemon can you

talk to me about your pokemon

did they evolve how do i make a

pokemon evolve hello

there you go death fox everybody

yeah rest in peace death fox

patent fox uh

david barber barber

Yeah, hi. How are you? Is that Barber?

I need to speak to David, please.

David Barber?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, hi. Hi, this is...

My name is Patton Fox.

I live here...

I'm at number 28. You're at number 22.

I'm at number 28.

I can't do it. I need Jen for this shit.

A little bit of Jen Stewart would have helped out in that case.

But we don't have any Jen Stewart right now.

I'm going to say maybe he's around.

I haven't bothered to look on Skype.

Let me log into Skype and find out.

Waiting for the Skype.

While that goes on, I'm going to go over here and do some more pranky calls.

Let's see where we left off.

At David Barber.

Now we have a David Holliday.

gonna try that priest again oh oh oh all right let's call one more british number one more wanker

and then we have to call that guy who should be at the walmart's right shit let me call him now

because he'll fucking leave if he doesn't see a mercedes

we're gonna get sexual now

The Phil Florm Florm Phil

Shout out to Eddie Murphy

Rest in peace

He definitely isn't what he was

When he came up with that joke

About the Florm Florm Florm Phil

You know what I'm talking about

Hey motherfucker

Motherfucker, I'm calling regarding your kind of meet-me-up over at the Walmart.

Yeah, I'm at Walmart now.

All right.

I'm here.

I'm just watching from far away.

You look okay.

I just want to make sure that you're okay.

Oh.

You want to come out to the garden center maybe a little closer?

Yep, I'll be there in a second.

All right, stay on the line, and I'll let you know what to do

because I want you to get out of the car and all that.

I'm right here.

It's okay.

Is you in front of the garden center now?

Yeah, I'm in front of the garden.

I don't see you.

I'm right in the garden center.

Are you in the car or out of the car?

I'm in the car.

Well, get out of the car so I can see you.

I don't know which one you is.

All right.

I'm sitting in the park now.

All right, I'm standing outside the car.

Honk your horn because I don't see you.

All right.

I got you now.

All right.

Go ahead and turn around.

Turn around a little bit.

Just go around one time, nice and slow, when I look at you.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, that's nice.

Nice.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

And turn, face your back to me and bend over like you're going to tie your shoe.

Uh, no.

I want to see that ass.

No, I don't think so.

Come on.

You want to do some odd jobs, you know?

This is the oddest of jobs.

Is this a joke?

No, I'm going to have you do the oddest of jobs, if you know what I mean.

Are you serious?

Oh, it's very odd, but it's our secret.

I ain't no faggot, man.

I got lots of kids.

It doesn't mean you're a faggot

Yeah, that

It's for pay, it's for money

You got a nice little ass on you, though

I won't tell nobody

No, bro

Come on

This ain't gonna work

How about you just watch me jack off

No, dude, this ain't gonna work

Come on, I'll get in your Taurus, right?

And I'll jack off

You can watch me jack off

No, you got me fucked up

I just want you to watch me jacking off, mother

I'm jacking off right now

Yeah, look at you

No, you got me fucked up, man

I see you and I'm jacking off right now.

You got me fucked up, dude.

Come on.

Did you seriously just make me waste my gas coming all the way up here for this?

No, it's not a waste of time.

I got to see you.

You look nice and cute.

That's what I want.

I want to see you.

Oh, I bet I do.

Come over here, motherfucker.

If you got me wasting my time for this, come over here.

I'm going to whoop that ass.

No, you come here, motherfucker.

You come here.

I want to put my arms around you a little bit.

Dude, I'm serious, dude.

Dude, please don't be doing this to me.

I'll let you play fight me.

You can play fight me.

Act like you're mad and put me on the ground.

No, no.

We can play fight.

No, dude.

You want to get a little aggressive?

That's fine.

How about this?

How about you punch me and you knock me out?

You get on top of me and you start punching me.

And then we just stop for a second and look at each other.

Over there in that group of cars right there?

Yeah, yeah, right here.

And then we stop for a second while you're punching me.

and then you just look at my eyes

and then we start kissing.

No, dude, that ain't going to work.

Yeah, that's how we do it.

You can beat me up first

and then all of a sudden you stop

and then we're both thinking like,

why are we fighting?

Are you right here with the green card in the teeth?

Yeah, that's me.

Right here.

You sure?

Because I'm walking up to you right now.

Uh-oh.

Come on, man.

Be cool.

Be cool, man.

Is this you?

Yeah.

Are you over here?

What are you going to do?

I ain't going to do nothing.

I just want to talk to you in face.

face i'm gonna i'm gonna just drive off if you get violent with me i ain't gonna get violent

ain't none of y'all on the phone i'm sorry somebody's got me on the phone pulling my

fucking chain what happened where you at i'm right here no you're not over there come back

over i can't see you from where you're at now oh yeah there you go now i can see you where you at

bro look at that where you at look at that where you at where you at right here right here right

here don't sell me nothing i've got a whole goddamn parking lot right here yeah you gotta

find the car come on man odd job all right no all right no sex no sex just for real real job

for real for real for real i got a family to look after i don't need this all right if you're just

one little if you're if you're a little punk trying to pull my chain you better tell me bro

no no i'm a grown-ass man i'm 26 years old i don't need this kid it's that shit you're not a you're

I'm a grown-ass goddamn man, bro.

You're a grown man at 26?

Come on.

I'll teach you some.

You need to learn some stuff still.

I'll teach you some stuff.

Come on.

Did you just seriously make me come all the way to Rogersville for nothing, dude?

Seriously?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's up?

No, you're not sorry.

Step out of your fucking car and show your goddamn face, bro.

Show your goddamn face.

You just made me waste my last little bit of goddamn money.

You're going to hit me.

I'm going to beat the fuck out of you if I see you, man.

No, no, man.

Come on.

Come on, man.

Don't do that.

I'll come out of the car.

If you promise not to hit me, I'll come out of the car.

All right.

I swear on my life I won't do nothing to you.

Just come out here and talk to me.

I swear on everything I won't touch you.

All right.

Well, that's another thing.

We got to talk about the touching part.

All right.

This is a good one.

I'm right here.

Where?

Where's right here?

Right here.

I don't see you.

Right here.

I don't see you.

Right here.

I don't see you.

Right here, motherfucker.

I don't see you, dude.

here i am i'm not seeing you all right i'm in my car still i stayed in my car i'm afraid don't be

afraid i mean i ain't gonna do nothing to you dude i mean you just like literally made me waste

last little bit of money i had i'm ashamed i got a family i got a family to support dude i'm