You Are An Asshole

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

how we do it later later it can be no use right now wait wait wait wait a minute frank got a lot

of angry guys in there black muslims panthers young lords besides you average anti-social

we gotta go in right clean the clocks gentlemen good evening i'm carlito your host for tonight

i'm the host machine tonight's show yeah poor saul we make saul rosenberg relive that

every fucking week that we do a show milkman's here hey milkman hey

I feel great, thank you for asking

Jen Stewart's here also, Jen Stewart

Let's hear it for Jen Stewart

Hi everyone, this is Jen, how's it going?

Yeah, Jen Stewart, good to hear you

Hey, it's Jen Stewart, welcome

Welcome, Jen Stewart

Here's someone who's looking to sell a queen-size Serta mattress

Mattress, Serta.

That's the angestig of mattresses.

Nah, man.

Nah, nah, nah.

I'll try it again.

We got free kittens.

That doesn't work.

Man, I had a good idea for that mattress.

Me and old Jim Stewart over here, we're going to fuck on.

Yeah, shit, yeah.

Now we got to settle for jerking off in front of free kittens, I guess.

If this doesn't pick up.

Campion out of chair.

All right, here we go.

Time to jerk off in front of them.

That mattress was still in the plastic.

Bought the wrong size and no return.

Selling it for $150.

That sucks.

It sounds suspicious to me.

They need to sell that for like $100.

You got them by the balls right there.

You're like, yeah, motherfucker, all right, keep it.

What are you going to do, put it on the floor?

I'm sorry, I can't take your cow right now.

Can you please?

Can't take your cowl.

Cowl.

You don't pronounce the L's with that.

You pronounce them with W's.

Cowl.

Carwash?

They say wash.

Carwash.

Milk Bang is going to get his taxi car washed.

Sweet iced tea.

Yeah, sweet tea.

sugar you go to mcdonald's to get the sweet tea and then you add sugar to it

i'm sorry damn her and her fucking kittens all right you got a couple of very cute baby

hedgies what is a hedgie hedgehog okay what what purpose or use is a hedgehog yeah it's a head no

uh yeah i guess they are fucking baby hedgehogs huh yeah these idiots keep them for pets for

some reason i thought they were supposed to be outdoors yeah it's an exotic pet that's not what

i'm gonna say i'm gonna free them what's the hedgehog's greatest predator let's let's do

do some research on this jim stewart what's the hedgehog's greatest predator i'll get on this

all right let me do the next one if you work on that i'll work on cattle racks for long base

trucks yeah cattle racks uh the answer is badgers badgers yeah badgers are the natural enemy of the

hedgehog all right fine let's do it i hope that's accurate here we go with baby hedgehogs

i was about to say is that a little girl i hate it when they do that

like jim said like brad said but that's not a little girl that's just the way she towel looks

uh mr smoggin says the honey badger the honey badger you know i've heard a lot of negative

press about the honey badger milkman what do you know have you ever encountered a wild honey

badger in your adventures in the woods you don't fool around with that what will they do they have

teeth machines that'll hurt you claw oh i can't know and disappear this is 125 maybe i'm gonna

Well, yeah, maybe as big as 50, but that son of a gun, like, old and dush, whatever they can get old of, man.

What if you hit him with a baseball bat?

Yeah, you might have to fuck with that, but, like, they're so tough, dude.

Like, if you ain't swinging, like, you know, 400 average, you can stop one blow.

You may have to, like, cool quick.

Well, I saw the YouTube video where they threw a baseball bat.

The badger caught it with its paws, its claws, and it bit it in half and snapped it.

It did not surprise me at all.

I'm telling you, like, these guys literally, like, chomped the bones, bones and shit.

that's crazy that didn't happen you dumbass all right look this is a 2002 mobile home for sale

front deck side deck included new new central heat and air unit goes also goes three bedroom

one bath five thousand cash must be moved to mobile home yeah hey you got that mobile home

you got that mobile home but it's already sold oh man when's the last time you washed it

when's the last time you washed it i can't understand what you're saying when is the last

time you washed it you washed the house wash you went to the mobile house wash hello you want me

to try and reason with her yeah i don't know where i was going with that i'll try her again

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

that's probably exactly what's happening uh we have rabbits we have rabbits here

Here, rabbits here, $10 each.

Pretty sure badgers eat rabbits as well, maybe.

All right, this is Macron on tonight.

Oh, heck yeah.

I eat rabbits, man.

I used to eat rabbits when I was a kid.

Macron, would you like to call for rabbits?

I can do it.

I can handle it.

Rabbits are for cupcakes.

Surprise, everyone, I'm not really Jim.

They're $10 each.

That's like 50 pounds, I don't know, 50 euro,

just so you know how much it is for yourself.

Mr. Breeder.

Hello.

You've got the bits for sale, is that right?

Well, this is a random person calling about your rabbits.

Oh, about the rabbits.

Hold on a minute.

Yeah.

Sorry?

It's for you.

Hold on.

Yeah.

I'm just, because I'm wondering, how many do you have there?

I've got 12 right now.

They're five weeks old.

Five weeks old.

That's perfect.

Because I'm just wondering, like, I want to feed them to my honey badger.

I don't know.

You guys might know a bit more about this, but do honey badgers eat rabbits?

I don't even know what that is.

A honey badger.

Well, it's like a normal badger, but it's more badass, it's bigger, and it's more violent.

I have no idea.

These are pet rabbits.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's irrelevant, really.

Maybe I can come get a couple of...

Well, maybe, how about I bring the honey badger over there and we see if he takes an interest?

Would that be okay?

No.

Okay, well, shit.

Well, that doesn't help.

Well, can I just maybe take a couple of the rabbits and I'll take them home and see if he wants to eat them?

And if not, can I bring them back?

Nope.

Wait, wait, whoa, you said you had 12 just a second ago.

Well, now I ain't got none.

Forget it.

What did you do in the last few minutes?

What did you do to them?

I made pets out of them.

I decided to keep them.

No, no, no.

They make shit pets.

They're better for food.

Badger food.

That's what I've heard.

All right, look, I'm just joking about the badger.

I want them as a pet for my daughter, all right?

She wants 12 rabbits for her birthday.

I saw I promised her a dozen rabbits.

Yeah.

How much for all of them?

Well, you should have called yesterday.

They're gone now.

Don't fucking bullshit me.

You told me, like, not one minute ago that you had 12 of them.

Look, I'm kind of pissed off now.

Look, I'm going to send the honey badger over there, right,

and we'll see if there's any rabbits.

Would that be okay?

You can try it.

Oh, great, okay.

I'll be over in, like, 30 minutes.

Would that be all right?

Yeah, that'd be just fine.

I'll be waiting out there for you.

I'll be honest.

I lied about I don't have a daughter.

I've got a really hungry honey badger,

and I was just reading online that they quite like rabbits and hedgehogs,

but we can't get any hedgehogs.

You don't have any hedgehogs, do you?

I don't know what that is.

You don't know what a hedgehog is?

No.

Or a badger?

No.

Jesus Christ.

Like, did you not go to school?

Sir, answer the question.

What was your question?

You're stupid, you know that?

Yeah, you're fucking stupid.

You don't know what a hedgehog is.

You're awful answers.

Yeah, well, you're awfully dumb and stupid and slow.

Hey, asshole.

I'm calling your mama.

I'm calling her right now, motherfucker.

I already know her name and her address and her phone number.

I'm calling your mama.

I can send the honey badger to his mama's house.

Yeah, so he can chew her up.

Oh, granny clamp it.

What?

All right, fuck her anyway.

All right, so you've got 12 rabbits, be honest.

You're getting rabbits.

Oh, no, no, that's fucking stupid.

Honey badgers aren't going to cook a stew, are they?

They're just going to eat it raw.

They like to hunt.

That's why I want live animals.

Yeah, they don't want no stew.

Fucking stew.

Are you there, sir?

No, I've done hung up.

Oh, you got us.

Sir, are you incapacitated at all?

Are you inebriated?

Do you know what those words mean?

Do you wear suspenders on a regular basis?

Is it anything like constipation?

I like...

Hey, you're a pretty cool man, old man.

I like this guy.

Are you wearing a shirt right now, sir?

Have you ever worn a shirt?

You're clutching a gun right now.

Yellow?

Fuck.

Oh, man, that guy was interesting.

All right, here, coming up next is a person who's selling these things.

These things?

Yeah, I forget.

I'm looking at it.

Chihuahuas.

Female, three-year-old chihuahua.

Had rabies shot.

I'm going to say I had rabies.

Hello?

Yeah, you got a chihuahua, a female, three years old, $50, corns.

Sir, she got a home today. I'm sorry.

Listen, well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, though.

Ten-pound chihuahua, spayed, had rabies.

She's already been found a home.

Yeah, but it had rabies at one point.

No, it's rabies shot.

No, it says right here on my phone, ten-pound chihuahua, spayed, had rabies.

You shouldn't shoot it just because it had rabies.

You can get treatment for that, you know.

Yeah, you can't just give it away and expect it to get cured.

listen you need a that dog could get loose and could start an epidemic a lot of people could die

she said she shot it she said she had rabies and she shot it that's what she said oh my god that's

what it is you shot the little female and then you're trying to get rid of her it doesn't work

like a vampire or anything like that you know or a zombie you actually have to cure it with a

medication medicine yeah if you shoot it it's gonna get hurt yeah are you there

She's not saying anything

Call her back

Alright, here's someone who had a yard sale

I'm sorry, I'm unavailable to take your call at the moment

Please leave your name, phone number, and a brief

Oh, oops

Please leave your message for

That's going straight to voicemail

I'll try it again, but I doubt it will go through

Please leave your message for

Nope, not working

Uh, someone else who was having a garage sale this Friday

Last Friday

she was here and i was slow with the music hello i just posted a picture for you hello

yeah hey you had a yard sale uh are we having you are or you did you got any stuff left over

i'll make you an offer i'll make you an offer and everything i'll take it out for your hands

Well, I don't know.

All right, damn it.

Huh?

Okay, damn it.

Okay.

Yeah, put them on.

She hung up.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Huh?

I had three calls going.

I didn't know who I was calling at one point.

So, yeah, I'll have you talk to him.

Like, okay, that one.

Go ahead, put her on.

Put them on.

Yeah, hey, you had that yard sale?

You had one.

I wanted to make you an offer.

If you got anything left over, I'll take it off your hands.

I'll make you a good offer.

Oh, yeah.

If you want to get that stuff out of there, you don't want it no more,

I'll give you a good offer on it.

Hell, yeah.

I'll take it all off your hands.

I'm a scrap man.

I own two thrift shops, and I'm a scrap man.

So whatever I can't sell, I'll chop it down.

Well, this is what I've got.

You won't be able to.

Like what?

What do you got, sir?

I can sell anything.

Yeah, what do you got?

Well...

Clothes, I sell on my thrift store.

Next, what's next?

I can sell all them clothes.

What I can't sell, I donate.

I put that on the taxes, get a tax write-off.

It works out in the end, I make money.

Yeah.

My name's Rex.

Rex Pierre.

Pierre is French.

Pierre, fresh Canadian.

What's going on now?

Come on.

You got stuff you're trying to sell.

I'm telling you, I'll make you an offer on what you got left.

if i'll take it off your hands you make the spaces there you know you make your spaces you get your

money stuff that would just be sitting there until your next garage sale who knows when that's gonna

be right weather's gonna be cold you ain't gonna have no another garage sale until next year the

earliest you know yeah yeah well i'm just saying i'll give you an offer man you get some cash and

i'll get all that stuff and what i can't sell i'll take care of i throw away i'll burn it whatever i

gotta do yeah yeah you got any underwear no okay good because i don't like them much i like to uh

what i do with the underwear when i get it i get i boil people's underwear and i make a soup with

it like they're dirty underwear um i'll make you an offer on your wife's panties and i'll make a

soup out of them what's your what kind of uh i'm a pervert what kind of panties does the wife have

What kind of panties does your wife have?

Ask her what kind of panties.

He's not interested anymore.

I don't know.

Can you call him back one more time?

I have a question for him.

We've got a lot of numbers we can get to.

Here's a Mitsubishi for sale.

It was posted for sale Thursday.

I'm not sure if it's still for sale.

You know how that goes.

They should have taken the ad down if it's not for sale.

You know how Dwight gets about that.

Oh yeah, really pisses him off.

Don't let him know that.

You better just say you're not interested in selling it anymore or something.

I don't know.

You better make up something, but don't fucking tell him it's already sold because he'll get so mad.

The person at extension, 7-4.

All right, all right.

Someone that had a gun for sale at some point.

A gun?

Colt Defender handgun, 90 series, .45 cal, looks like new.

comes with a leather holster and ammo but this is placed on sale for wednesday these

these uh this list that i hit up sometimes they uh they go real fast with their stuff

not looking good there's someone who's selling a 30 straight time

30 straight talk card with receipt you take 20 can load minutes so someone bought

Probably the wrong kind of minutes for their prepaid phone

Which means they got bad credit

Trying to sell it for $10 cheaper

That's not the Milkman we need

And the phone will not dial

Milkman, I may have to call you back

Oh, never mind

I had a space in there

I heard a please enjoy

That happened

Let's try that again

Please enjoy this phone

That was weird

They got a real shitty phone

They're buying the wrong minutes for it and shit

Uh, okay

We'll see if it

Please enjoy this phone

It's trying something

We'll let it sit there

and the number is not answering yeah no shit okay okay all right thank you for that computer

machine um let's go to james parkman parkman he sends in numbers um he actually sent in that

female chihuahua we did there uh here's someone selling a mini cooper kid car so a child's never

mind let me make sure these are still available after i say that there we go men's work pants

Pants, brand new, $75.

I have five new pair of, is that how you say it?

You say five pair, not five pairs.

Yeah, I guess so, right?

I don't know.

I would say five pairs.

Okay, now here's what I always thought.

Maybe you can help me out with this.

Since you people invented the language, maybe you can help out or give a different perspective.

So I don't say, you know how the saying is a pair of pants.

So, one individual unit of pants is a pair.

Now, so what is the pair?

The legs, I'm guessing?

Is that what you're considering, the pair?

Is that why you say that?

Do you know what?

That's quite interesting.

I've never actually thought about that.

Yeah.

My guess is that you're saying each leg equals a pair, right?

I'm going to Google this.

But then you don't say one pair of pant, you know?

It's a pair of pants.

I have a definitive answer to this

I found it already

So it says pants

Originally called pantaloons

Were originally two like things

You put them on one leg at a time

Because they actually came in two pieces

And then you tied it around your waist

And that's why we still say pants

Pair of pants

That's a French name

It came from a French word though

Pantaloons

pantaloons pantalones yeah the pantalones and not the nf version

spanish is pantalones yeah pantalones pantalones pantalones pantalones yeah

all right well there we go so hey let's get some pantalones just like the tie

is the cravat that's a french word too ah cravat so it looks like the french

invented clothes then basically they invented a lot to do with like

fashions early on you know i've had paris has always built to this day it's

It's been, like, a big center for fashion for whatever reason.

All right.

Yeah, that's definitely part of it.

Sure.

I'll give you that.

Let me double-check my cholera right here.

Okay, good.

We're good.

Well, okay, look.

They invented shampoo.

So nobody can, like, bitch them that much.

They invented shampoo.

Come on.

Did they invent showering?

Because they say douché for shower to shower.

They invented shampoo.

I don't know what they're using.

But douché is similar to showering, so it wouldn't be far off.

Definitely in their shampoo.

In Spanish, it's doucha, is what you say for to take a shower.

And in Russian, I know it's doucho.

It's weird how language...

So, English is a combination of romantic and Nordic and stuff, right, I guess?

Mostly German-like.

Like, some of it's Nordic from the Viking influence, but there's a lot of German and Dutch mixed in our language.

Is Gaelic, what's, I'm thinking Old English.

It's like mostly West Germany and Netherlands where it comes from.

Really?

Yep.

And that met up with Roman, whatever established Latin there was from the remnants of the Roman Empire.

Because there's a lot, I mean, you can still get a lot of derivations, especially when it comes to sciences and stuff.

Yeah, there's quite a few of them, because originally it was Latin Vulgaris, right?

There was before Spanish and French and all the dervishes, all the offshoots.

The Latin vulgaris was the original language, but that's a dead language now.

It is dead, yep.

No one speaks it.

It's taught, and it's used in some Catholic churches, I guess.

In the Vatican, that's it.

Well, Latin is used a lot in medicine.

That's true.

The abbreviations for medication, and that's universal, right?

That's us and you.

Medical follows universal standards, right?

Just like music does.

You can read music and be from any country in the world.

If you know how to read music, you're reading music.

It doesn't matter.

Same with math.

Mathematics are the same way.

That's another one like that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Come on.

Let's call for these pants.

Five pair of pants.

Leave your number.

We'll try them again.

Get them pantaloons.

Fucking pantaloons, man.

I knew it.

I was down the right road with that legging thing, you know?

Did they put them on one leg at a time or both at the same time?

Or did they just not highly attach them?

Well, they attached at the waist.

I mean, you'd put one leg up and then another one.

You probably had, like, this belt that went around.

You didn't have your, I guess, so you wouldn't have your waist covered then, right?

You just had these things on your legs and a belt going across your belly.

Or they like, like a piece of material and then you zip it up and then it turns into a tie.

Shit, I don't know.

I'm trying to imagine how it would have been with a one feet, a one leg for one leg.

Now we got to look up pantaloons, motherfucker. Let me see.

Was there a seam in them? Or, you know, like we could open and close it?

Or was it just like, you know, a tube?

Because like sewing a tube is a bitch, right?

What I'm seeing here is supposedly of Venetian origin, and it kind of looks like clown pants.

Yeah, it looks like. That seems to be what was going on here.

But there's other variations, but a lot like clown pants.

pants big baggy lots of spots on them and that's several examples that uh that ask jeeves is

telling me here the official search engine so they're independent of the legs and really then

because they backed up right so they weren't cut to the length of your leg they're hammer pants

i don't know how it's like the paratrooping fans

yeah kind of kind of they bundle around they bundle around the leg

yeah kind of kind of okay kind of kind of i would say so okay like the joker on the back of the card

deck okay yeah well i mean some it depends which one hey we got some holstein steers some heifers

oh no these are steers that's the opposite of a heifer so here we go let's get some cow machines

that means they got still got their feet steer do and then what's a bull doesn't know a bull has

his dick and balls right now you're gonna have us looking up the differences of different male

male cow machine i think a bull is just a regular mook uh the a cow intact i think you're right yeah

hello yes hi i'm interested in getting some cows now you got holstein steers are those man cows or

girl cows male all right now what's the difference between a steer and the bull hold on this minute

all right honey put the little girl down she fell asleep there

oh god bless her god bless her oh a steer is a castrated male a castrated male all right so

just all right and what's a bull what's the bull just regular intact yes so it has all its sexual

organs that's correct all right now the steer does it have the the front sexual organ if you know

what i'm trying to say the member they what does the bull still have its front sexual organ yeah

So what it doesn't have is the two sexual organs in the back that are in the sack.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

So the bull, how big is the sexual organ on the steer?

The what?

How big is the sexual organ that's left on the steer now?

How big is the sexual organ?

I don't know.

What's it matter?

Well, because I don't need the big sexual organ showing, you know, with my daughter around.

I don't need her to see the asking daddy, what's that thing that's there, you know,

and asking me questions about sexual organ.

um i prefer you know you can't you can't see it are you sure because you said it just has the

balls taken off that it still has the penis right yeah but it's up inside its belly oh good good so

we didn't no one can see the the the steers uh sexual organ no can you estimate how big the

sexual organ would be no no she can't okay scary stuff horse shoes shoes for horse eye

Let's see if that opens.

Yes, it does.

$2 each.

You used to find these on the streets in Puerto Rico sometimes.

On the roads, not the streets.

The difference.

The mountain roads.

You have them over the door.

Don't they have them over the door in Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

About a few of those motherfuckers.

I always remember when they got the horse, you'd point it up, you'd catch luck.

Put it on the wall somewhere.

Right.

Over the door.

There was one that my grandfather had that was above the door.

and I'd always stay there

even after you passed

I remember

but then like I had my

like two or three

that I found

every time that I went

those were like

in a separate area

they never

I mean I think

did you guys set them up

like a U

I'm pretty sure

yeah

or did you set them up

like a can

no they were set up

like U's

and I'm pretty sure

they're still there somewhere

I'm sure I could find those

fuck

I guarantee

you said like a U

you'd catch your luck

I'm pretty sure

the last time I was in a house

was when my mom was buried

I went to

you know

we had a wake there

and I'm 90% certain

that those horses

are still there

you know

Hello?

Yeah, hey, how you doing, honey, baby?

You got some horseshoes?

Yes.

Are these horseshoes aftermarket?

What do you mean, aftermarket?

Well, did they come with the horse?

Are they stocked from the factory, or are they aftermarket?

No, they're built by a factory.

Oh, so they're factory shoes.

They're factory horseshoes.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, do you have size 195, 65R15?

No.

I think you...

I've got horseshoes.

Yeah, yeah, I know, for a horse machine.

No, I ain't got nothing like that.

you got a horse it's for the horse i say horse machine people get confused all the time i say

machine after the end of a lot of stuff at the end of it because i have um ocd machine and even

explaining that it's kind of weird because i can't say just ocd machine i have to say ocd machine

machine i'm sure you understand okay and i'm confusing even more um so yeah i have a horse

machine and it needs new shoes so i'm trying to figure out what size the horseshoes are

they usually have a number stamped on them on the side wall it tells you the size and the

piece on the top it'll be on the topper yeah on the top of the shoe okay yeah it'll have a number

on it it'll have a number and it should also have the psi the pressure that you can put in that

horseshoe uh you don't put air to it and well you don't know there's a cold temperature uh psi

marking on the horseshoe next to the number that tells you the size it tells you right there how

how many psi it takes i don't think so psi is pressure it's pounds per pounds per square inch

it means how much load the horse you can take you're putting weight on it sir whether it's

air pressure or horse pressure it's pressure from the horse machine so there is a psi rating on

there yeah don't i'm not i'm not don't be ignorant sir i don't know that it's got any kind of number

like that on it well where are they then if you're selling them where are they they're down down down

I know the rest of them.

I fool with this stuff all the time.

Never heard of it.

All right, well, go get them, and I'll tell you where to look then.

It's Sunday.

I'm not going to go fool with it tonight.

You dumb motherfucker.

You're a motherfucker.

You know that?

What fucking asshole?

You sumbler bitch.

Come on, you sumbler bitch, you.

Do it now.

Just sit here for a minute.

I'm getting this call traced right now.

Oh, shit.

How long does it take?

It takes me 33 seconds.

Here, trace this for me while you're at it.

All right, trace where that came from.

and kiss it.

All right.

We'll meet at your door shortly.

All right.

Yeah.

All right, then.

So, hello.

You want to stay on the line

while we wait?

Can we call him back?

Yes, we can.

Oh, Milkman.

That was funny, eh?

Are you listening to this, Milkman?

We're having fun here, man.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, I am.

I'm just getting musical hold,

but I keep mutin' it,

so I don't get that.

Hey, am I right?

The horseshoe would take a PSI rating,

technically.

Yeah.

It sounded right to me.

But barely are they used on horseshoes, but yeah.

I think so. I think it's-

His little strength would probably be the action for his shoes in our department.

Yeah, hey.

Hello, sir.

You know it's illegal to impersonate a police- tell him that part, uh, Macklin.

Yeah, sir, it's against the law to impersonate a police officer. What do you think you're doing?

You can't do that. You're a horse machine man, not a policeman.

Sir, are you tracing me again?

I'm calling on a different number, so you're gonna have to restart the tracer.

He's out. Got him, got him, got him.

Like the same, you got him.

Oh, shit.

He's like, oh, damn, he got a point.

Oh, shit.

Watch him not pick up that just because he got him on that.

Playing anymore.

DeWayne.

I'm going to save that one for you there, Big Macron.

Yes, please.

I posted it there in the mix.

in the skype chat thing go grab her from there real quick before he pulls it down

sweet it's got in my bookmarks and i'll take i'll get the number actually

it might be gone all right all right i got him i don't want to miss it's the sunday i don't do

no work on sunday i'm a jew i'm a hasidic jew motherfucker so what uh so basically it's you

know what's the psi of steel right and i mean what do you make horseshoes out of it really

It's tensile strength for steel.

Tensile strength.

I mean, that's really, like, PSI suggests something's being compressed or crushed, you know,

usually from, like, all angles would be, like, normally for air.

Yeah.

But if you're actually going to do steel, it more would be, like, tensile strength, right?

Sure.

You're right.

Is that how they, but don't they measure load by, they don't measure load by PSI, I guess,

by pounds per square inch.

No, PSI is usually pressure.

Pounds per square inch.

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's like a volume-type measure, we're saying.

A volume...

That's in a three-dimensional aspect.

Look, I'm not that good with physics.

I kind of got it when I was in school.

I smoked a lot of pot in my senior year.

You only got width and height.

But if you got three-dimensional, then you got a vacuum, you got a space, right?

You got the width, the thickness.

Look, I blame my cousin in Puerto Rico for introducing me to marijuana one summer before my senior year.

I smoked a lot through physics and calculus.

tell us more

I want to hear about

your beginning

you never told me

about your first

smoking smoke

tell us

I think

that cousin of mine

he lives in Chicago now

and I'm pretty sure

he's learned enough English

and I might be able

to get him on the phone

just so we can talk

about the first pranks

that I ever did

which was as a kid

in Puerto Rico

they were in Spanish

so a lot of the jokes

might not translate over

you don't have them

recorded?

no dude

I was like

7, 8 years old

I was probably

like 8, 9 maybe

I got some more

education for you

the average adult horse weighing 550 kilograms will be about 25 psi just 25 psi that's what it

says it's talking about ground pressure or something oh so that's different that's different

yeah we got we're thinking we got to find out what the load bearing would be i don't know who

cares it's a lot it's fucking metal shit all right it's a really dense fucking it's not going

to compress but you see you're just doing that because you're just trying to ask the obvious

If they don't know it, then you can set them to exploit it for at least 10 minutes.

Apple will bullshit for you when you move on to the next stupid quest.

Yeah, you're right.

Horse machine ranch.

Horse machine ranch, Ed.

Oak, we got a rolling top desk.

Oak roll top desk, computer desk with a hutch.

They may not answer.

Macro, you can take this if you want.

Okay, it's a computer desk.

Yeah, they have two different kinds of desks for sale.

It's not a Craigslist one.

I'm not confident they'll pick it.

Just trying to get it out of the way.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

All right.

Well, like I said, I wasn't confident.

Back to the Craigslist numbers.

We did the pants.

We did the horseshoes.

Did we do a quarter horse yet?

I don't think so.

Let's see if this is available still.

A quarter horse.

Yeah, like just a quarter horse.

All right, we did steers.

Let's see if this one opens here.

Quarter horse is like a type of horse, a work horse.

They do all this, like, work, run around, jump, turn real quick.

off cut a cow off you know put you around the side so you can look you know uh flare at them

so like like your workhorse well like for pulling stuff or like for like chasing down the cows and

roping them up and jumping off and cutting their necks and stuff like that like like like chasing

them down and roping would be a quarter horse all right quarter horse i got you so so then

and then what's what's it was what's a bronco is that just a crazy fucking like an autistic

A bronco is like the bucking bronco is like one that's like wild kicking his ass off.

Yeah, but what's the problem?

A bronco is usually a male.

Why are they like that?

Why are they so stupid?

Like, why do they got to be like that?

Because a horse really is a wild animal.

You have to like either scare it into believing that you're in charge of it or don't.

But either way, the horse is a kick-ass and keep running.

Yeah.

That's all they want to do.

So a bronco is like what?

Like, are they like autistic horse male men?

A bronco is usually like the wild male.

And a wild horse, they call them mustaches.

Okay.

That's right.

Then we got Mustangs.

You're right.

The Broncos, you do the kicking male.

What's a filly?

A filly is a female.

A female?

A young female.

A young female is a filly.

Okay.

All right.

And then so you can get a young female horse and you can fill her with weed and smoke her?

Well, I suppose.

I mean, you know, I don't know what kind of results you'd get.

I mean, my question is, what about the shoes?

That's right.

Whoa.

all right look pedal car did you get that you want to do i love you man

were you interested in that shit uh yeah sure all right let me make sure i can get that number

no i'm not good it was it was a joke we got you we got everybody uh we got everyone

showed them didn't we not jim stewart yeah i don't know who he is

that's so funny he's some dude named macron you gotta see what i'm short for

thank you doodle dandy two three don't worry i got it i muted it at the source you guys heard

it probably the macaroni with the macarena hell no i'm not playing that what the fuck

come on man yeah i'll just start playing that and the cha-cha slide hello hello yeah you have

a pedal car i got my friend macron he's gonna deal with that macron go ahead i gotta take a

shit uh hey honey baby you got that pedal car for sale is that right uh do you know how many miles

it's done i'm not playing the macarena mukbang i'm sorry you go ahead you can go on the stream

i'll give you the password you play you dance the macarena on tiny chat all you want when you're

off work but i ain't gonna remodel i got this song when i was a kid it was good it was called

Oh, man, everyone used to...

Oh, man, I've been watching some Three Stooges.

Oh, man, this is good, wholesome humor.

Good, safe humor.

Good for children to learn.

Yes, Mr. Fine.

No dangers at all.

Mr. Howard, please report to the madhouse.

Here's someone, all right, if you're interested in this macron.

We got X-Men, X-Force action figures.

Wow.

Some action figures.

I don't know if you're into the X-Mans.

Oh, my.

We had some real action figure aficionados assholes around here before.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's why before Mr. Macaron's time.

Death Fog.

Patent Fog.

This is Patent Fog.

That's right.

That big fat fog.

That's right.

Maybe this is Patent Fog.

Hello?

I'm selling X-Men figures.

I don't know why you're so mad.

I'm over the top.

100 pounds.

That's forearm fisting action.

Boat your fives put together.

I mean punchy.

Hello.

This is George Takei, and I'm leaving this message for this person.

Paid me on Fiverr.com.

This sounds like a young George Takei.

Granddaddy Purps, baby. Granddaddy Purps.

Watch, let's hear that again, that voicemail.

It's a young George Takei. You'll see.

It's fucking Sulu.

Sulu when he was on a ship and he went crazy and he was fencing, remember?

Sulu's not almost. He's just that low.

This is for 5-3-1-2-1-2.

No, all right, not so much anymore.

Just the hello, that milkman talked all over.

Yay!

Hello.

Hello, hello.

A pony?

There's a pony available.

No pony, sorry.

How you doing?

What are you wearing?

We got someone who's looking, looking for a mermaid doll.

Looking for a mermaid?

All right, I've got a good idea for this one.

All right, now, do you know the famous mermaid,

mermaid uh the fiji mermaid that was like a hoax you know what i'm talking about oh yeah i've heard

about this yeah yeah so we have an actual mermaid a petrified mermaid that you're going to release

to science that's the next mermaid you happen to see or do what you want best tuna chicken of the

sea it's a pretty simple ad uh guys here's what it says my sis collects mermaids so if you have

have porcelain mermaids may like but barbie theresa in mermaid is the one i want i like

i like barbies i like to have a my size barbie okay this sounds like a kid that like got a hold

of their parents iphone and like likes is really into mermaids like i like barbies i like to have

my size barbie holy shit be nice be nice don't be too gross don't get too sexy no i'm kidding

They act like it. I don't think it is, but it'd be really funny.

Well, we'll get the parents on here anyway.

This is a four-year-old kid.

I like turtles.

I'll put it in there.

Zombies.

I sit alone in my four-cornered room.

He's already went to bed.

School in the morning.

Hello?

I saw your ad on Craigslist.

You're looking for mermaid doll.

Uh-huh.

Is that you?

Yeah.

Oh, great. I think I can help you out with that.

I can make you a mermaid if you're interested.

Hello?

Hello.

So, well, I don't...

You're interested in purchasing a mermaid, is that correct?

Yeah, that's already made.

Well, no, I mean, it's what it is.

I make things.

So, I already, I've just been sitting here figuring it out,

and I got this Barbie doll,

and I kind of stitched its legs together,

and then I got, like, half a fish from the fridge,

and I gutted it, and I kind of slipped it over the legs,

and now it's a mermaid.

I was just wondering how much you're going to pay for that.

Here it is.

I'm sorry? No, this isn't a joke. I'm a doll maker. This is what I'm saying. I'm a professional doll maker.

So, like, I can make you any kind of doll. So, I've not done a mermaid before, so this is the first time.

But I was thinking maybe $100.

So, does that mean I can eat it?

Sorry?

Does that mean I can eat it since it comes from the fridge?

Well, no, you shouldn't eat it because it's just a plastic doll and, you know, with the legs stitched together.

So, that would be silly.

How about the fish part?

Oh, yeah, you could probably eat the fish part, but, I mean, it's just like the skin. It won't be very nice.

And I put, like, a varnish over it to preserve it.

Is your refrigerator running?

I'm not going to answer that question, ma'am.

I think that's some kind of joke.

I look like you.

Look, I'm kind of pissed off here, ma'am.

I spent all afternoon making this doll.

Are you not interested?

That's pretty amateur.

It looks...

Oh, man.

We're going to call her back.

She left another number for texting only.

Let's call it texting.

He probably eats more than the damn fish.

You better watch out.

He sounds pretty damn hungry.

Yeah.

Granddaddy perp, baby.

Hello?

Hi, it's me.

Okay, hold on.

I'll let you talk to my little girl.

She loves to talk on the phone.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do that.

Seriously, don't put your kid on the phone with a stranger.

That's crazy.

I don't want to deal with a kid.

Yeah, we're sexual perverts.

Don't do that.

I'm a pervert from the United Kingdom.

She's crazy.

Don't put your kid on the phone with some weirdo.

What a fucking horrible judgment call as a parent.

Gee, I had to stop her myself.

Like, oh, sure, you can watch my kid while I go inside real quick for cigarettes.

Mr. Non-Creamy Spider-Man.

She never had Blake call her before, either, has she?

Oh, my God.

Fucking quote Adam.

All right.

This person needs help moving.

Let's see if their ad is still up.

Yes, they are.

All right.

Anthony says he can provide us with a good two- or three-man crew to pack, load, unload, rearrange, room to room,

Get rid of unwanted items

No job too big or too small

He will move you

Ask if you can just ride around in the van with the three men for a few hours

Yeah

I'm going to research a role for a movie

Alright

Yeah, hi

I represent an actor

And I'm looking to send him up to research a role

I see that you're offering

Moving services

To pack, load and unload

Rearrange room to room

yeah um he'd like to ride along with you guys no charge i will actually pay you the studio will pay

you if you let him just work with you guys and uh we'll help you out we'll get you some craft

service food you know okay okay say that again for me let's repeat what you just said yeah i

i represent a uh an actor uh from the united kingdom who is looking to research a role in a

movie about uh a moving crew and he sees that you offer these services in the town that he's

is currently researching his role in and he's offering to work uh full-time like a equal member

of your crew um and we the studio will actually pay you you will be paid by sony yeah by sony

pictures actually okay i mean like uh do i mean does it mean does it have to be like just could

it be like any job or some major move or what he can do anything he wants well let me ask him

him and for until you agree we can't tell you who the actor is but he's here uh sir can you are you

okay with large role small role i i don't want to get my hands dirty that's the thing i i don't want

to have to do a lot of work you know i just really want to sort of take in the ambience really of the

whole thing but like i don't i don't really want to be you know moving shit right right right that's

what we would be doing right right that's great okay so i mean how do we go about setting this up

Well, me and my manager can come down there for a meeting, maybe.

Or maybe you could meet us somewhere.

Well, what I was going to say is...

Sir, do you know who Benedict Cumberbatch is?

Benedict Cumberbatch?

Yes, have you heard of him?

I've heard of him before.

Okay, you're speaking to Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

That's me, sir.

Wow.

Hi, how are you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Anthony Bishop.

Nice to meet you.

I'm thinking maybe, if you're free right now,

maybe we could get together for drinks or something and discuss this.

What I was going to say is that tonight actually was kind of a bad night tonight.

Oh, fuck.

You said this guy was going to help us.

What is this shit?

What's he saying now?

He doesn't want to do it.

What?

I don't think he does, no.

What I was going to say is you want to kind of get together and try to go out on a moving job.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, he's researching a role for a bisexual serial killer mover.

yeah transgender bisexual serial killer who works in a moving crew and kills all of his um it's uh

it's called the packer the packer is the name of the movie yes that's right yeah it's got um right

ben affleck in it uh well thank you now that mr cumberbatch said that now we're gonna have to get

you to agree to a non-disclosure agreement sir do you have a fax machine i can send that to you

thanks asshole what i have sorry sorry my fault i hate this fucking guy he's in a fucking illuminati

He's one of those Illuminati actors that we have to...

Don't tell him that.

Oh, shit.

Now we got to get him the other form.

All right.

Are you guys here in Knoxville right now?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're researching a role for...

Yes.

I mean okay

only thing about it

see I have

I have to get up

like in the morning

and be in another job

not a moving job

but just a regular job

what job is that

So, you know, just my regular job.

Your regular job.

I mean, could you maybe come meet us for one drink?

I just need to sort of get to know you a little bit, make sure everything's cool.

Where are you guys located here?

Well, we're quite near you, actually.

Do you have, like, a favorite local bar or something like that that you know we could just drive over there now?

I was going to say, I mean, you know where Cheddar's is?

Cheddar's on Kingston Pike?

I think we passed that about 10 minutes ago, actually, Cheddar's.

Yeah, we can get him there.

That's fine.

He doesn't know.

He's a stupid actor.

He doesn't know.

This guy can barely tie his own shoes.

Right.

And I kind of feel worried about, you know, I mean, I don't even know how real this is.

You see what I'm saying?

I mean, I believe you guys.

You don't recognize my voice.

You know, in these days and times we live in, I mean, I don't, you know what I'm saying.

Oh, watch, watch.

Mr. Cumberbatch, tell him I'm Khan like you did in Star Trek.

I'm Khan.

See?

Wow.

Okay.

I think all your fears will be alleviated once you actually meet me at Cheddar's, okay?

I think everything will be fine once we meet up.

At Cheddar's?

Yeah, I mean, we can be there in, what, it was about ten minutes back, right?

Hey, how much is involved, like, if, you know, we go through with all of it for me?

Well, again, we don't like to talk too many specifics over the phone.

You never know who's listening in.

This is why we like to do a lot of things in person.

and we can get you to sign a non-disclosure agreement, that kind of thing.

Okay.

Well, I was going to say is, you know...

Is there not anything you would do for your family?

Right, right, right.

Right.

Wow.

Okay, what I was going to say is Cheddar's, Kingston Pike.

Right.

I think they close around 11.

Right, well, how quickly can you get there?

I could try to get there within 30 minutes.

All right, that would be cool.

Is this a cell phone number so we can give you a call if we can't find you?

Yeah, it's a phone right here.

It's the Cheddar's Casual Cafe.

That's the one, isn't it?

I can see it now.

That's correct.

I can get them there.

We'll call a limo right now to get you there, Mr. Cumberbatch.

All right.

That's fine.

Cheddar's in 30 minutes.

Milkman, you're with transportation.

Can you gas up the limo, please?

Yes, sir.

We got it.

All right.

We're good.

All right.

We'll see you there.

30 minutes at Cheddar's.

All right.

Thanks, buddy.

All right.

Now we need to find in Knoxville, Tennessee, a Benedict Cumberbatch impersonator.

I thought that you were saying...

He's headed for Cheddar's.

Somebody needs to call and then have him page to Cheddar's now.

You actually...

To me...

Then tell him, like, give him some side story.

Okay, it's going to be another 15 minutes.

We're coming, but we brought...

To me, you do sound a lot like Benedict Cumberbatch,

and I've thought that before, and for some reason,

I didn't remember when I was trying to think of the name.

Okay.

Celebrity.

Let's play...

Well, Mr. Spock kind of sounds like that macaron guy, too.

Do you even know who Benedict Cumberbatch is,

Macron?

Are you familiar with him?

Oh, yeah, I know who he is.

He used to be in an American audience,

and I love that.

But it reminded me a little bit of kind of,

you know,

Fonz from the Happy Days sort of coming on.

Probably doesn't.

He's got the deep voice.

A little bit.

Not really.

I mean, it's the accent.

To an American, yeah,

they could probably...

He's got the lower register voice.

Most of the UK guys got the real high,

like,

almost feminine voice,

but he's got more of a male voice.

Yeah.

To an average American,

they're like,

oh, my God,

it's that guy.

Is that Sherlock Holmes guy?

So we'll call him back in 30 minutes then.

Can you remind me of that, guys?

Yeah, I'll make time and everything.

All right.

In the meantime, we'll throw out some names here, stuff we can call.

We got some TV news tip hotlines in New York.

We also have ethics hotlines for companies such as General Dynamics,

General Motors Ethics Hotline.

All right, cool.

Let's do that.

General Motors.

I can't find the Benedict Cumberbatch impersonator at Knoxville, funnily enough.

You have called Medvex Global, a company hired by your organization to gather information related to potential issues.

We will take 10 to 15 minutes to ask you a series of questions.

Then submit the information you provide.

We've talked to that place before.

On different, you know, I said already that it sounds like the nuclear warning guy.

All right, here's a bowling alley that's open 24 HRS.

Verse that comes next in the song.

Yeah, hey, how you doing, boy?

All right, what's going on there?

How's the heat?

How's the action?

Yeah, how's the action?

Yeah, all right.

You don't sound too happy or excited.

Are you upset?

said no all right well i like the smell of men's feet uh how much will you sell me the bowling

shoes for uh how long can i smell them for then uh can i rent how many she charged me to smell

like three shoes if i like swap and can i swap them out a few times so how many can i maybe swap

out the shoes three times all right now that spray that you have can you just set aside like

three pair starting now um the next three pairs that come in just set them aside from me and

And don't spray them with that stuff, you know?

Alright, so you're willing to do that for me then?

No.

You just said whatever I like.

I lie a lot.

Man.

Can I jerk off in the shoes?

That's what you like to do.

I do.

Is there a private area maybe you can set aside for me to masturbate into the shoes?

We got cameras everywhere.

Even in the toilet?

No, you don't in the toilet.

Not where I shit and piss you don't, do you?

Yeah, we watch it.

Yeah, but that's not legal for you to record that.

You're lying again.

You're lying.

You're lying. I know you're lying.

I never lie.

Damn you.

All right, did you have any questions for me now?

Nope.

No?

What are you doing tonight?

Do you just answer the phone?

Do you do any cleaning there?

Do you just, like, tend to the front, check people out and stuff?

Do you do whatever you do just to survive, right?

Just so you can survive, you do whatever you do, right?

Yes, sir.

H4, McGillis speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, hey, I'm in the toilet.

Huh?

I'm here in the bathroom.

Huh?

Yeah, so I was masturbating in the bathroom just now.

Here in the bathroom here.

Masturbating.

All right.

Yeah.

I was masturbating.

There we go.

I forgot what.

Is this my echo?

I think this is it.

But this is to sound like toilet.

That's not toilet.

I don't like that at all.

I don't know.

I don't remember where my sound effects were.

Shit.

I found the white devil one, but I don't remember what.

Oh, I think I go down to like nine.

it gets white to the toilet is it nine or four let me try this four yeah here we are now we're

in the toilet yeah i've also got my burp and fart piano ready oh yeah well i was yeah we got a hair

salon but that's gonna be small that's gonna be small the hair salon that's not right uh volkswagen

24-hour roadside assistance i did that recently with the real jim stewart uh vegas shows paranormal

Wait a minute, I thought we had the real Jim Stewart.

You told your radio, he's not here.

What I was trying to say is this verse here, the one about the famous Bushwick.

This is somebody impersonating Macron then.

Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, look, this verse coming up here by Bushwick Bill on this Ghetto Boys song,

it's really famous, especially this time of year, this time Halloween fell on the weekend.

It was originally written for and intended to be rapped by, actually, yeah, it was Chuck D.

oh really and he didn't uh he gave it to bushwick bill he thought bushwick would do a better uh

better uh job with it and yeah yeah so i did not know that and i like it actually uh it's

chuck d who wrote it as a matter of fact okay he wrote it and it was intended to be for him

all right can we play it now i screwed up here we go all right anyway we're doing a call

Call to Macy's Customer Service.

Okay, sure, why not?

Thank you for calling.

All of our representatives are currently assisting other callers.

Please continue to hold, and your call will be answered by the next available representative.

We are busier than expected right now.

It may be over 10 minutes before we can help you.

What?

If you'd rather not wait, visit us at customerservice.macy's.com to get answers to most questions.

I'm putting it away.

Otherwise, thank you for waiting, and we'll be with you as quickly as possible.

If it's quiet, I'll keep it going while we do this one here.

Yeah, keep it.

They usually inflate those times to get you not to call.

Hang on.

Yeah, they're just saying that.

They're just little fucking assholes.

It's Sunday.

We don't want to work, so maybe you don't have to call.

Maybe you can wait until tomorrow.

All right, so what we got here now is Elevon.

which is a payment card reader machine company.

Payment card reader machine company.

Uh-huh.

Our options are going to be pound 422 to get to a person.

Thank you.

Thank you, Parkman.

Parkman.

Yeah.

That is not a valid entry.

Please try again.

Please enter your customer account number.

Okay, so in the process, not only was that a bunk number,

the one we were going to hold for, I hung up on.

Great, yeah.

My hair salon that's open 24 hours, did I try that yet?

I don't know.

I don't remember.

Let's try it now.

All right, here it is.

For a man haircut?

Man haircut?

Oh, what time?

Are you open 24-hour, right?

Yes, we are.

But then you will have to make an appointment, though.

Oh, well, when is the soonest appointment?

I need it soon.

I mean...

I have an interview tomorrow.

Oh, it'll be tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

And do you know what time you're coming?

Well, my interview's at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, 8 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, we'll be possible.

How?

What time I get an appointment?

We'll be available.

I'm asking.

What time I can get an appointment?

What time they?

Oh, I mean, any time you're available.

available now now now now now yeah now it's fine so how long would it take for you to get here

uh i don't know like oh do i take the bus or how do i get there uh from where are you coming from

right here on the map this part right here where i got the circle sir so you have to like but i

have i'm showing you all right let me put my friend on he's my handler maybe he can tell you

where to look on right here sir tell him hello sir sir listen let me help you yeah sir right

Right there on the map is where we're coming from now.

Which bus do we take?

I'm sorry, where are you coming from again?

Just here, where the circle is and the little line.

I'm sorry, I have no idea where that is.

Well, is it north of here or south, first of all?

First of all?

First of all, I'm sorry, I'm English.

I have a strange voice to you.

Let me know, like, what street and what avenue.

Are you guys in Manhattan or, like...

Yeah, right here, next to this big building here.

Like, look, right here.

I'm sorry, but I can't look because we are on the phone.

Yeah, but like if we look at where the big building is, right?

Do you know where, all right, do you know where John's house is?

I don't.

I live like two streets away from John's house.

I'm sorry, I have no idea where that is.

Right, but it's here on the map.

Look, if I put my finger, this is my house and this is John's house, okay?

And the bus stop is right here.

I can't look at like where you're pointing.

It's here. It's here. Right here. Look, that's John's house.

He's stupid or something, because I'm just right here.

I'm pointing to it right here. Why doesn't he understand?

Try it. Are you colorblind, sir?

No, I am not, but I can't see where you're pointing at.

Maybe I, I mean, should I, I can print, like, a grayscale copy of it, maybe?

I know what might help is I can fire up a sat-nav machine and it gives directions.

I've got a new copy coming up.

All right, sir, I need you to tell me, like, what street and avenue you are in.

Sir, I've got the sat-nav machine here.

Let's see what the sat...

Yeah, here.

So can we give you the coordinates, then?

It's 63 colon 25...

I wouldn't know by that.

Well, you write it down, and you can ask Siri.

Wait, wait, the sat-nav has some instructions for us here.

7825, and it says comma, and it has a north there.

I think that's N and then, like, the degree symbol.

Hello?

Yeah.

So.

Yeah, so, I'm sorry.

Ask Siri.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ask Siri where that is.

I mean, that's a ridiculous question.

But ask Siri.

Can you ask Siri?

Or can you say, hey, Google?

Which one do you, I don't know.

Maybe you have the, hey, Google, you know?

Right, but, like.

Cortana?

Do you have Cortana?

I hope this is not a prank call or anything.

No, no.

No, I'd say, please, because I have...

I mean, I don't know how else to tell you.

We have a camera phone, and we're showing you...

He has an interview, so he has an interview at 8 a.m.

That's why we need this.

I really need this.

Okay, but, like, what do you mean by ask Siri?

Do you have a Siri?

Like, you don't know what avenue and street you're in?

Well, I gave you...

It's 67 colon 087833,

three three and then it has a comma and it says no then the big n and like it's a circle

symbol i think that's degree it's not an oh it's like a circle going up but i don't know i don't

know by that but ask siri and then you say what i or i can put you can make me loud and say hey siri

no answer this question you know and then i'll say where is uh blah and i'll say the coordinates

from here do you want me to try my siri and see what what it says all right if he has siri yeah

go ahead okay uh hold on see i didn't know he has whoa what's wrong with siri i don't know see

that's what i'm saying there's a problem here because the siri should be working for but for

this guy too on the phone there sir you so your siri doesn't work either you're saying no it

doesn't well do you have a siri or no no i don't what do you have i have a phone no no all right

Well, let me hear it right now.

Turn it on so I can hear the flip phone, the jingle.

All right.

If you have a flip phone, when you turn it on, it should have like a little generic jingle sound.

I can hear what it is if you can play it, and that way I know.

Turn off your phone and turn it back on so I can hear the noises it makes.

The Siri.

Well, you heard the noise that time, didn't you?

I think I can never get someone to actually start getting to the thing.

All right, fine.

I'll get my iPhone.

Hey, Siri.

I like how you offered to put yourself on speakerphone

and read to his theory.

You've got to give Cortana some love, you know?

They're trying.

Well, it's really thoughtful that you go ahead and do it.

That way he doesn't have to relay everything.

Yeah, they're really trying with that Cortana thing.

They've got that motherfucker all over Windows 10.

I'm looking at the map here.

Let's see if I can find any open business side.

Not much.

I'm looking at Salt Lake City.

That place is dead right now.

You can't even get any coffee at this time of night.

Well, here we go.

We got a hostel.

The Camelot Inn and Hostel.

Yeah.

Salt Lake City.

Targets are busy now.

Oh, I missed that one.

You can call again later.

I messed it up.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

We had a dark stranger left.

Did you see that in the Skype chat, Macron?

There is a costume with pantaloons for sale.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

It's the ID.

Hang on.

Let me adjust it.

I really got to make it better at remembering to do that.

I see that you have a costume set here for sale.

It's already at night.

Yeah, well, you didn't put it in there that I can't call it this time.

This is important.

The Halloween pageant's going to be tomorrow morning.

I have to get this kid into something.

And I got into a fight with the wife, and I took his costume, and I shredded it in the backyard.

So, I got to try to get...

Not too smart.

Yeah, well, he's a little, you know, he's a little S-H-I-T head sometimes.

and I got upset.

So, yeah, the same thing happened with his cat.

Cat's gone now.

So I'm looking at the one you have pantaloons.

Hello?

Um, Babbage Patch.

Okay, and it has pantaloons?

Yeah.

So there's just the two legs

and they tie at the waist with a belt?

Uh, no.

No? Okay.

That's not pantaloons.

What's a pantaloon then, exactly?

With ruffles.

Look, you can't buy them tonight anyway.

My son's on the phone now.

You're going to have to tell him

and let him down that he can't go to class tomorrow.

Go ahead and tell him.

I can't have the pantaloons.

Where's my costume?

What happened to my costume?

I ripped it up, you little motherfucker, you.

Shut up.

Why?

Fuck you.

I hate your mom, and I wish you were never here.

I don't know.

I didn't make mom sleep with that man.

Look, I'm blacking the number.

You're blacking it?

Blacking it.

Why?

What good will that do?

Black it.

All right, put it on the blacklist.

You got it, honey.

All right.

You're an asshole.

That'll keep us away.

You got it.

You are an asshole.

Hey, well, don't talk to men like that, first of all, all right?

Women don't talk to men like that.

What do you think you're doing?

Is this bitch going to give me my costume, this cunt canoe?

You're a cunt canoe.

Title of the show.

All right, anything else?

Hello?

Hey, how you doing there, Bubba?

Hey, I'm calling because your wife was going to sell me some pantaloons for my son to wear to school tomorrow.

And now she's reneging on the offer, and she's saying bad words to me, and I'm a man.

Women don't talk like that to men.

Why isn't your house in order?

Will you shut up for a minute?

You shut up, motherfucker, you.

Hey, hey, no one says shut up around here but me, all right?

Some little bitch.

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

You some little bitch.

Your wife?

Obviously talking...

That lady tried to touch me, that lady who was on the phone before.

She was trying to touch me.

I'm only 12.

She's trying to what?

She kept trying to touch me.

She said I was sexy, and then she kept grabbing me, like, through the phone.

I think you're a fucking asshole, you know that?

She wants it, she wants it.

That's what I think you are.

She wants it.

She's like, I want to put you in this pumpkin costume so you look more like my husband.

That's what she said.

oh shit five minutes until we need to call the guy back

okay just five i forgot about that guy yeah five minutes

and what was he again every night that we got him to go to the

cheaters uh yeah shit what did i do with it uh

uh cheddar's bar you had the whole thing you had the bar and cafe you knew what you were down on

uh i thought it opened somewhere he's supposed to meet us there yeah the dude's supposed to

meet us there and well it's supposed to be a limo showing up with ben hey so dude we should have

called we should have called we should have called the fucking limo service and had the limo show up

there to pick uh just to pick someone up and it would have been like oh shit he would have been

like oh man there is somebody well why don't you call the bar and see if you can get him to answer

See, it's like paging, right?

Because it's like...

Is he going inside?

We could get him to go inside and get a drink,

and then we could order a limo and get the bar to page him.

I've got the number for the bar as well.

Um, yeah.

Right.

I hate to waste a limo trip like that.

That's funny, man.

If he actually gets there, that limo shows up.

I've got a list of Knoxville limousine services.

And we'll see if we get the driver to come inside

and ask for a Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch.

Yes.

Oh, you have his name, right?

Ask for him.

All right, let's do it.

All right.

So what are we doing first?

We have to call the limo place, right?

Yeah, I just pasted one.

I've got a load more, though, if that doesn't work.

That's kind of support rat shit, though.

We should do that off air.

It's a little bad doing that.

Nah, it's just a waste.

Look at Milkman.

Milkman, you should be not encouraging that.

You're her driver.

well we could just we could get him to go inside and get a drink and then we could just get the

bar and page benedict the batch and get him to shout his name out there you go and if yeah and

then call him afterwards you know yeah benedict isn't there is yeah right um so you think we got

we got a few more minutes here let's call that hostel i was talking about or we could just get

them to page the cumberbatch party and see if he responds oh yeah i'm here i'm waiting you got

Three minutes.

Well, anyway, thanks.

Real quick, thanks, Dark Stranger, for that.

A number you sent us.

Appreciate it.

All right, now I am having the copy-paste issue, but I'm ready to fix it quickly.

This is Erica.

Hey, Erica, I need to speak to the person in room number 13.

They told me to call around for transportation.

Excuse me?

Room 13.

We don't have a way to...

We're just a hostel, so we can't transfer calls.

All right, well, yeah, then can you ask for Benedict, then?

Benedict Cumberbatch?

Yeah, I'm not even there.

It's a self-check-in process, so there's not even anybody on site.

So it's a piece of shit, then, is what you're saying.

Huh?

It's a piece of shit, is what you're saying.

What are you talking about?

Well, what do you mean?

Are you even there, then?

Where are you?

Are you in your house, fanning your balls or something?

No, do not talk to me.

Goodbye.

I do.

Did you say fanning your balls?

I've got to give a shout-out to the Jerky Boys for that.

The Musacha Tapes.

I don't know if that was the Jerky Boys or the Musacha Boys.

I don't even know who Musacha guys are.

They were affiliated, but not...

I don't know.

They had beef.

They shanked.

Thank you for calling Camelot Rooms, friend.

This is Erica.

Hey, honey baby.

I'm sorry that I said those things, okay?

You want to try her?

Yeah, sure.

I

was going to tell her I'm in room 13.

Whatever.

I was going to say I'm in room 13.

Where's my phone?

Is that time?

Should we call?

Should we give him a few more minutes?

Do maybe one or two more just to get him to get settled?

He sounded African-American.

He might be.

30 minutes, he said, so now I'll play it by ear.

Yeah, I know.

Let's do one more and see if we can find him.

this is closed today we're not going to call it produce express closed state liquor store that's

going to be closed denny's here we go all right let's do a quick order of heat eggs eggs with

heat and oil we never get tired of that one all right hot eggs please busy it's already someone

ordering the phone line is busy all right here's the mcdonald's next door come on we gotta get

something to work here what's on fifth south this is everett yeah do you guys do hot eggs there now

all day sandwiches yes the hot eggs right hot eggs well they have to be right because the egg

inside yes sir they have to be they have the yellow thing inside they're the real eggs yes

with the yolk and the white thing outside um yes sir okay and then what do you what how do you make

so many at once do you it's like a cookie tray kind of it's like a like a muffin tray right

hello i really want to know how to make all those eggs like that like so uniform and circly i

I imagine it's like a muffin, like almost like a muffin baking tray with the bottoms cut out,

and you crack the eggs into it, and then it has a handle, and you can flip the whole thing, right?

Milkman, we're talking about this.

We're trying to figure it out.

McDonald's on 5th South.

This is Everett.

So is it like a muffin baking tray, but with the holes cut out,

and then you crack all the eggs individually into it, right, and it has a handle?

That's not how we do it, no, sir.

How do you make them like that?

And I can't tell you.

Come on.

And I can't tell you how we do it.

Yeah, you can.

Come on.

Oh, man.

Now I want to know.

It's a secret, guys.

They can't tell us?

Really?

I have something gross to show you that might explain it.

What?

I'm just going to post the picture for you, and you can...

This is how they do it.

Really?

I don't know if I trust you.

It's a sushi egg roll?

That's kind of cool.

That's like McDonald's as well, apparently.

So you think it just comes in a tube like that, and they just warm them up?

Yeah, it's just like a tube, and they slice it up.

That's how it's so perfect.

No, I can't believe that.

That's scary.

It's like a sushi.

This looks dumb.

I bet they have like a weird chicken that just lays tubes of egg.

They talk about it at length on their website.

That guy didn't want to, he said he couldn't tell me.

It's like it's a secret.

And the McDonald's website shows you exactly how they make the eggs.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's quite, I think.

Never mind.

No, they're just showing the kind of eggs they can make.

Round egg.

uh look and taste so good every time because we freshly crack and cook a usda grade a egg

and a nifty egg ring at our restaurants we don't add anything else to the egg that's what they say

wait there's a there's the mcdonald's question and answer thing hold on uh check this out

mcdonald's egg ring let me see what that looks like oh here we go it's just it's made out of

silicon and it's yeah it's actually it's like a little miniature one egg frying pan with the

the bottom cut off okay you have a let me look let's see what what they say i'm looking for

so this is more this isn't okay they don't make massive amounts of it once i guess you can't

really do that it's getting nasty yeah that's that's that's you found the link i found that

showed the okay the egg ring good good good what uh what was going on there with isaac

hayes so we moved off for that now we move to joey badass and now it should be time enough

to call that guy yeah what's the phone number um it was the guy the moving guy wasn't it

yeah really where's the moving tree hang on i'm working on it i can find it

here we go found it movers in knoxville boom pack load unload rearrange room to room

who's paid you want to page them are you calling him are you calling the place i'm calling him

I want to see if he's there.

Oh, let me talk to him.

Yeah, hey, it's, hi, I'm the handler again.

It's Mr. Valente.

Did you, are you there yet?

Yeah, okay, now tell me the actor's name again.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

Say it again.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

And tell me that movie that he's famous for.

He was in the latest Star Trek movie as the main villain.

He was Sherlock Holmes.

He was in a couple of the Harry Potter movies.

He was in The Imitation Game last year.

Right, and you guys are straight up, I mean, this is no kind of like joke or nothing, right?

You want me to patch him in?

I mean, I'm here, you know what I'm saying, you get a random...

Mr. Cumberbatch, are you there?

Hello, yes, have we arrived? I'm in the...

He's on the satellite phone now.

Oh, he is, hi. Sorry we're a bit late, we're just pulling in now.

Okay, what are you guys driving?

It's a limo.

Okay, well, you at the Chatter's on Kingston Pike?

Well, we're just, let me see, are we nearly there?

I think we're nearly there.

Is that the place with the red sign?

Yes.

Right, yeah, I have the red sign.

Right, yeah, I see it.

We're just arriving now.

Okay, well, we'll see you here then.

All right, bye.

Bye.

He's going to wait for...

Are you going to wait for the limo to get there, sir?

Yeah.

All right, bye.

Why don't you go in and get a drink, and I'll come and meet you.

Okay, well, we'll be there right now.

All right, well, Mr. Cumberbatch has to do a lot of drugs, too.

Like, what he has to do is cocaine ritual.

He likes to be alone in the limo for at least a few minutes before he goes in.

Alright?

Cool.

Alright.

Alright, fuck.

Alright, good.

Should've sent the limo there.

Do you have the address for that place, Macron?

Uh, yes.

Uh...

Thank you for calling Elite Limos. If you would, please leave your name now.

Darn.

Shit, go under the limo.

Uh...

I wonder if you can even get a limo in Knoxville, Tennessee this time around.

The person you are trying to reach.

That one apparently doesn't even exist.

Let's send Tuck.

We can send Tuck out there.

Mike Tuck.

Um.

That one got Neo.

Yeah, Neo, right?

She moved there.

Oh, wait.

Hey, I found a 24-hour limo service.

That's what, that's the ticket.

Uh, that last number that I just posted is 24 hours.

Uh, I've got another one, thanks.

There it goes, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hello, please state your name after the tone, and Google Voice will try to connect you.

This is Mr. Volante representing Mr. Cumberbatch for...

Make sure I don't give you a lot of time on those Google Voicers.

Thank you for calling Knoxville Executive Transportation. Can I help you?

Yes, hi. This is Mr. Valente, Jack Valente. I represent Mr. Cumberbatch.

He's currently in need of a limousine to pick him up at a Cheddar's.

What is it called, Mr. Cumberbatch? Are you there?

Yeah, I'm here. It's Cheddar's Casual Cafe.

Cheddar's Casual Cafe.

Okay, we have Suburbans, black cars, but we don't have limousines.

Okay, yeah, send us a bourbon. That's fine. We can work with that. We can work with that.

Okay, and Cheddar's on Kingston Pike?

That's the one.

Yep.

Okay, and where are we going to?

He's going to his hotel. He has the address on him. It's in town. It's in Knoxville.

Okay, so do you have the address? I will be there in 15 minutes.

Yeah, I've got the address written down here, actually.

Okay, go ahead, Mr. Comrie.

Let me just get the bit of paper out here.

God, where is it?

Which one is it?

Staying at the Hampton Inn.

Do you know the Hampton Inn?

I think that's what it's called.

Yeah, I know. Which one?

Pratt Road.

The one on Pratt Road.

Which road?

Pratt Road.

5411 Pratt Road.

That's the one, the Hampton Inn.

North I-75 area.

You know the one?

Pratt Road.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

All right, let's call the guy, let him know that we're 15 minutes delayed

because you are doing, I don't know, something.

We could say we got over.

Hang on, let me talk to him a second time.

All right.

See if I can reason with him.

Yo, yo, yo.

Yes, sir. Hi. This is Mr. Valente again, representing Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch.

I just need to let you know, Mr. Cumberbatch has to take a call from Mr. Roman Polanski.

It's long distance. So he is going to be delayed 15 minutes.

We had to pull over, but he is going to be there in 15 minutes or less.

He promises me he's going to be off the phone in 5 and 10, in 10 minutes.

In 10 minutes, he should be off, and we should be there about, we're probably like 5 minutes away.

okay okay i'm just just apologizing he he wanted to me to relay that to you he can't apologize in

a very important call with mr polanski okay okay all right we'll be there as soon as we can thank

you sir bye mr roman

benedict cumberbatch and roman polanski planning something big that's what we're doing that'd be

a great movie roman polanski directing benedict cumberbatch i hope it's a recreation of what

What happened to Jack Nicholson's house?

No.

Jesus Christ.

No.

I don't want that.

No.

God.

I want to see that.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, go look up Roman Polanski.

I unfortunately know what you're talking about.

The Polish director in exile in Paris, France.

This is the naughty thing he did at Jack Nicholson's house with an underage girl once.

Not that Jack Nicholson knew about it.

He wasn't even in the country, I believe.

That is a crazy story

What was he doing at his house

If he wasn't in the country

I don't know

I think they were just friends

You know how they are

Just rich people

I'm like yeah sure

Stay at my house

Fuck a girl

Yeah sure

Jack and I was like

Yeah go ahead

I don't know how he'd say it

Yeah

So do we got 15 on the clock then

Yes

Alright good

I hope he sees this

It's a suburban

I should have told him

We're in a suburban

I'll call him back

And I'll tap

Kowalski's on his way

He's in a suburban

Hey, that's a perfect amount of time for me to take that break

I need to take

Alright, so let's go ahead and take a break

So we got that coming up

We have more numbers

I got quite a few numbers actually

They're coming in from a lot of different sources tonight

Which I appreciate

I'll play this song

So when we come back we're going to follow up with a guy

Who's looking for a Benedict Cumberbatch

In Knoxville, Tennessee

We got copper pots for sale

you just hit me what i just said and there's a tanning bed that needs one light bulb replaced

you can buy that here on the here on the madhouse radio swap shop oh you're gonna have a big white

spot on the skin you're gonna spread right on the back of your head or something this is so weird

you're like he's touched by god all right i'll be back background i'll be back milkman i'll be back

We'll be back.

Yeah.

I'm going to try it out.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

Okay.

I'm going to try it out.

And when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

When you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, check the GPS, you go straight down to the hell.

House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

we're back Carlito we're back let's keep doing the show how much longer how much hey milkman

milkman's here macron's here how much longer do we have to call them back milkman you were

keeping did you reset your timer yeah let me see here uh let's play about time right oh no i take

out five minutes about okay so technically right now we're on our way oh my god this is gonna be

be interesting excuse number three well now we get it because i played my card wrong i should

have told them we're in a suburban by the way the limo fell through let's just say the limo broke

down so we got a suburban you think we can get him out to go to the door of the limo and just

say we're inside of it i'm hoping what would be better is if we can get him to get in the

suburban and take him somewhere send him to a strip club or something yeah

Mr. Cumberbatch

we're gonna play some crazy

twisted game with him

if you trust Mr. Cumberbatch

you will come with him to his grotto

come to his hotel room

I can't do that man

come on man

that's too much now

alright so five more minutes

we can work something out here

I'm going to go back to my list machine.

Yeah, Shoe Carnival.

They're a carnival of shoes, and they have a 24-hour line about the shoes.

A 24-hour shoe line.

Yeah.

Okay.

How do you spell shoe in Britain?

Does it have a U at the end?

Thank you for calling shoecarnival.com.

There.

Just that.

This is only be monitored or recorded.

Shoe.

boat hello thank you for calling shoe carnival my name is naughty i may have your name please

hey naughty how are you my name is alex i'm good how are you alex i'm feeling naughty hey how can

i help you today all right well the shoes here they're not going to work out these shoes right

here that i'm showing you this isn't going to work out you see what they're doing here at the top i

cannot see what they're doing uh do i have the wrong camera all right let me i'm going to flip

it to the front camera again all right there you see you see what they do when i step up like this

here you see how they go um we are on the phone i can't we don't have access to cameras yeah but i

have a camera phone camera phone the camera is turned on okay um but i i'm unable to see that

i apologize yeah well that's pretty unfortunate all right so what do you need then um so do you

Are you looking to return them?

Well, they're not going to work out.

What am I going to return them for?

Hello?

God damn it.

Now she hangs up.

God damn it.

I'll call someone else over there.

I like Zappos better.

This is like the Kmart Zappos.

What's up?

Thank you for calling shoecarnival.com.

The woman almost sounds like Zappos.

To place an order, press 1.

For questions regarding...

I wish I had a joke of the day here.

Due to unusually high...

Thank you for calling Shoe Carnival. My name is Max. May I have your name, please?

Yeah, I need to speak to someone in the English-speaking department.

All right, sir. Actually, I'm in the English department. Tell me, please, what can I help you?

I don't think so. I can't. There's an accent. You know, I'm having trouble understanding what you're saying.

All right. So, what I will say, because I'm not allowed to transfer you, but I will say,

Well, you don't even sound foreign.

I think you're just like that, right?

What do you have that makes you talk like that?

Where are you from?

You're from 25 countries?

Two different countries?

Okay.

Like what?

Yeah, I'm a bilingual customer.

You're a bilingual customer?

Uh-huh.

I see.

That's very good.

I see.

Do you get paid more money for that?

Um, yeah.

Yeah? That's good.

How much extra do I pay?

Actually, I'm not allowed to tell you that.

Oh, yeah, because you're stupid.

Maybe, right?

Those are confidential numbers.

All right, well, maybe you can help us then, okay?

All right, look, so I got a pair of shoes, right?

Okay, and that's a problem.

And what's the problem with these shoes?

They're a problem that I have to have them.

Okay, where did you get that, online or at the store?

Someone gave them to me from Shoe Carnival.

Alright, if you have a problem with your shoes, if it's not online, we're not going to be able to assist you with that.

Yeah, but no, they bought them from the online, the internet.

Yeah, they did.

And they gave them to me.

But why do I have to be responsible for the shoe?

Yeah, if you order something online because you got the return policy, so it's not like 30 days.

If you have a problem, we can take care of that for you.

But there's no problem with the shoe.

I just, like, I don't want a shoe.

I don't want shoes.

Oh, if you don't want it, if it's on their return time frame, you can just return it to us, and then they will refund you the money.

Or you can return it to the store also.

Why?

If you don't want it, you can return it to the store.

Well, why would I want to return it? Why return it, though?

Because you say you don't want it.

I know, but then why would I just return it like that, you know?

You want it, so that's the problem.

I don't see, this is the problem with you.

Can I give you the style number? Maybe that will make you understand.

Yes, please.

All right, it's 5258, and I hate these shoes. I hate them.

What's the style number? Because the number gives me...

5258.

Uh-huh.

5258, that's a Nike Air Max Touch.

Four.

And the color, Touch 4, yes, exactly, and the color. Which color you have?

The red.

The red one.

Okay, why you don't want it? Because I don't see any problem with the color.

Well, I don't like colors, you know?

And see, what I want to do is I want to put it in my asshole, but...

Is that a prank?

No.

I want to put it in my asshole.

Can you bend over and I'll put it in your asshole?

No.

Actually, I'm sorry about that.

What do you like in your asshole?

All right.

Actually, I do apologize.

Hey.

Hey, do you know when the baby's born and all that red stuff that comes out?

The afterbirth?

I do apologize.

Do you know how that?

After we leave, they call back.

No, don't.

I do apologize.

What am I talking about after that?

What the fuck is that?

It's been four minutes past.

Almost five.

Alright, let's call this motherfucker.

Are you starting off?

Is Benedict Cumberbatch going to become the caller?

Try to get him.

Yeah, sure.

See if you can get him to come up to the suburban level.

This is Anthony.

Hello.

Yes, is this Mr. Benedict?

Yes, this is Benedict.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

I just had a phone call, and then we had a bit of car trouble,

so we just had to quickly switch the car out.

We're in a black Suburban.

I don't know if you can see us now.

Right.

I was going to say, it was a Suburban here at Cheddar's.

The limo guy was sitting there waiting on you, and then he just pulled off.

No, it must have been somebody different then.

My driver gets confused quite a lot.

I think he's had a drink tonight as well.

So whereabouts are you at the moment?

I'll try and walk over there or something.

I'm at Cheddar's.

I'm right here at the Cheddar's restaurant right here.

Are you actually inside?

I'm actually in a white Dodge pickup truck.

You'll see a Dodge truck right sitting outside.

White Dodge.

Could you honk the horn so I can hear you?

I just honked the horn.

Did you guys hear that?

I can't see it.

Sir, can you get out so I can see?

Yeah, hold on.

I'll just pull around.

Y'all must be on the side of Cheddar's.

Yeah, the limo guy, he got mad at us.

He pulled over, and then he said he was going to leave us there.

I don't know why he would.

He said he went over there the whole way and said what?

That he was looking for us?

Because we walked off, was what he said.

He must be upset that we walked off.

Yeah, he said, the guy pulled up.

He said, I was supposed to be meeting somebody here.

And he said, I don't see him.

And he thought it was a hoax or whatever, whatever.

No, he started masturbating, and we told him to pull over, and we got out.

And I guess he must be worried that we're going to report him.

And he's looking to, like, meet us up again.

So did you say he drove away?

So where's my driver now?

Where did he go?

The driver guy just drove away.

He said he's located on downtown West.

And he was trying to call you guys, but he couldn't reach you.

So he just pulled off probably five minutes ago.

go okay well could you do me i'll i'll guess i'll walk the rest of the way could you maybe go inside

and get us a table and um and that way i can ask for you as soon as i come in just just say it's

um just put it under the name cumberbatch i know they should know me there

okay yeah just just wait just book a table for cumberbatch and i'll be i'll be there

literally really soon okay and then i can ask for your table when i get there

sure okay great thank you i'm so sorry to keep you waiting but we won't be long now

All right.

Bye-bye.

Thanks.

I heard a fucking suburban turned up and spoke to me.

Oh, we took too long, though, because I wish we could have had, I wish I could have had

the port where I got up and think, oh, my God, it's here.

Holy shit.

But he actually believes it now, because he's like, yeah, Lobo showed up.

Dude, will you, like, really fuck with him?

Like, I'll pretend like I'm the driver and ask him if he'll come over and give us a jump.

Yeah.

Sir, I need your help.

Do you think we can order him food?

Like, call and say, hey, yes, I represent Ash, whatever his name is.

Let's get them to send him a really silly cocktail or something.

I

just pasted the phone number and address for the restaurant.

All right, we'll give him a few to get in there.

We'll call him, we'll have him hazed or something.

All right, so another 15 minutes, 20 minutes?

Oh, no, 10.

At the moment, five.

Five, five.

Tell me in five so that I can wait till we're done.

we almost

I almost ruined it

with that last week

that I did

I'm bad at it

I'm going to have to

like really

fuck this up

with him

a virgin

it's a virgin

see

a virgin

shirley temple

oh boy

uh

someone has a

beautiful table

light wooden

top white legs

with matching

white chars

alright

what the hell

time is it there

anyway

like 1130

it's

they're an hour

off so it's like

probably it's either 10 or 11 19 right now one of the two i know you have to work early tomorrow

too oh shit all right well we'll let him off the hook here in a few minutes yeah hi i see that you

got a beautiful table light wooden top white legs with matching white chairs chairs have burgundy

flowered cushions yes also has a middle leaf to make more table space yes and it's in great

condition uh-huh oh good is this appropriate for a turkey dinner um i'm sure all right can i install

the turkey in the middle that has a place to install the turkey hello do you honestly think

i'm retarded no soundbite i'm just trying to see about the table install a turkey in the middle of

the table yeah you put in the middle when you go to do the dinner yeah right it gets installed in

the middle and you'd carve it no but uh i will tell you where you can put the turkey you can

put the turkey up your cunt she was feisty i beat her to it i won i got her got her you win

fuck it i'll call her

i'm sorry i said that c word okay hello you're being recorded right now well i'm sorry okay

does does the table support gravy 3.0 so if i tell you that i'm fixing to go to the police

station have this number traced are you still gonna call me right now you're gonna go to the

police station and they're gonna trace it actually yes right now because i live about a mile from

there are you gonna give them the tape itself we're gonna call a lot it's not a tape it's a

a recording on my phone and i can play it back you're being recorded guess what this is a two

party state so you have to have my permission a b you have to tell me beforehand that you're

recording me so i'm saying i don't give you i don't have to have your permission are you not

going to feel like a fucking retard walking into a police station holding your phone and going oh

they're talking about turkeys like what how do you think they're going to respond to that just

tell me how you think that's going to go are you expecting like what tactical nuclear strike

icon is or something did you call that sure did they call you that did you call them yet yes i'm

having a number uh call me uh they're showing their phone number but it's a prank call it's

harassment uh they're actually on the phone right now they're cussing and screaming at me through

the phone and it's in order to a craigslist post that i had on the internet i live in have no idea

the numbers right here i'm calling for the goddamn table that's all i'm calling for you put an ad

for the stupid table and you don't like the way you don't like the offer i made and she's making

up things saying that i'm making all these violent calls she's called my house four times now

in a row she keeps calling my house four times house on my phone i want to file a report against

her she's called my house four times saying she said you want the mf-ing table now mf-er like

that she was going to install a turkey in his ass she kept saying it all myself she's saying

and stuff about installing turkeys and gravy i just she put a public ad for a table and now she's

she said she didn't like me because because i'm in a because i'm in a marriage with a man she said

that we can't get it and she started going ballistic i said nothing about that yes she did

she also said she also broke wiretapping laws by recording me without my permission this is

a two-party state what do i need to do officer i think you need to get laid and what can they do

now i have the number so uh okay great thank you sir who am i speaking with you know she you know

he's only uh telling you that to get you off the phone he's he's sick of you calling with

every little problem yeah it's sick whatever tell the judge he can tell you to go fuck yourself

that was great open up a case at the court tomorrow morning oh yeah early at eight o'clock

anyway is it time should we call back now yes we should call and yeah it must be time

just ask if he's checked in on the cumberbatch and then send him a cocktail

that'd be amazing look when has the alarm it's time all right here we go thank you

Thank you for calling Trader King's Pike.

This is Whitney.

Yes, hi.

There should be a gentleman there from the Cumberbatch Party.

What the fuck?

Whoa.

Oh, shit.

Shall I try and speak to her?

Yeah, try.

Something must have happened with her.

Maybe she just told him who Benedict Cumberbatch is.

Maybe they're like, get the fuck out of here, you fucking motherfucker.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

Thank you for calling Cheddar's Kingston Pike. This is Whitney.

Hi, ma'am. I'm supposed to be meeting a colleague of mine there, and I'm running quite late.

I wonder if you could tell me if he's arrived yet.

Hello?

Hello, ma'am? Hello?

What the fuck?

Hey, Milkman, can you hear me? Milkman?

Yeah, they pretend like they can't hear you.

Ah, they're full of shit.

Get them, hang them out.

They're full of shit.

That's why they're not answering now.

Yeah.

All right, so fuck them. I guess we're done.

We can call the guy back. Let's call him back, see what happened.

Let's call him back and see what's going on.

See, they told me to get the fuck out

Trying to place

A table for Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch

He's going to throw it out by security, right?

They called the cops on him

They took observation

Oh yeah, Mr. Cumberbatch, sure

Have a seat here, sir

He'll be right here

Hello?

Yeah, sir

What's going on?

I don't know, we've been over here at Cheddar's

we can't nobody's ever came down here so we touch the restaurant's closed the restaurant is closed

yep yeah we just came to the door and they wouldn't even let me in but i thought you're

inside already that's all well we was we just we was just sitting there waiting on y'all and

they said they were closed it was closing they had to close so what are you guys right there now

yeah yeah we're right by the door we're walking now we thought you maybe you would give us a

right back to the hotel.

Are y'all at Cheddar's

right this second? Yeah, they threw us out.

Okay, well,

we'll just have to, uh,

let me call you back. Oh, come on.

Don't do this to us. Come on.

Come on. I'm not gonna stand

out here all night. What's going on? You're supposed

to organize this. You gotta help

me. Disgusting. Come on. We didn't

get it organized. We've been waiting

on y'all, so we don't know what's going on.

Is there another place we could meet? Is there

or a place really, like, close by within walking distance?

Uh, I don't think so.

Everybody's closed tonight.

Can we go to your sister's house?

Probably not.

She's probably in the bed.

No, we can wake her up and kiss her all over her body.

I don't mind if she's in the bed.

I can get down with that.

Yeah.

Is she naked?

Whatever that means.

Lucy showed up, right, guys?

Yeah.

We made him drive there for no reason.

I know.

It's good enough.

Yeah.

Dude, he believed it, man.

He's a good guy, man.

Is he Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch?

Oh, my God.

And we got a Suburban to drive there and talk to.

Yeah, right.

All right, so coming up next, let's see what we have.

Get back to it.

Where is my list?

Where's my list?

How many parts does that thing have?

Yeah, we must have called him, like, what, five, six times,

plus the restaurant two or three times, and limo.

Hell, that's like, what, a 10-part call?

Yeah, that's going to be a whole fucking series right there.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

There's, like, 10 elite dialings to get this whole thing through.

It's a hell of a gigantic mess.

Yeah, I'm not saying it was, like, super epic, but it did go pretty good.

All right.

It was funny as fuck, dude.

Because, like, nobody got hurt, dude.

It was actually funny.

A-plus, man, you guys did a great job.

i'll edit i'll edit it all together and put it on youtube or something it'll be good

i like these guys man these are fun that reminds me i did do a it started up like a new little

thing um on youtube where i'm just putting up just to prep calls for every week show

into one video and releasing it that way just so you don't i don't necessarily think people

on youtube want to sit for a whole hour and a half two three hour show but they would listen

into maybe 15 minutes of just a prank calls back to back to back so yeah i'm gonna try to do that

on a regular basis on youtube trying to make my youtube presence a little better and that reminds

you dude i i did some calls with you i've been helping jihad and brad out with the calls of mass

confusion was everyone i'm real excited about this project because some of the stuff that

has been going on for it now dwight's going to be getting involved also doing some stuff it's

It's really funny.

So I'm not going to give any spoilers, but Jai and me had two awesome calls yesterday afternoon that we recorded.

And the thing is, I actually had the ability to do the prank and listen as the people in the store are reacting.

Because I have Jai on his cell phone there as him and his friends are recording with their little hidden cameras and stuff.

It is so good.

I get to hear them say, oh, my God, he said this, he said that.

I'm just sitting there laughing my ass off.

Those are going to be really cool.

I'm not sure exactly when the first episode is coming out,

but I believe it's way deep into the beta version, beta stage right now.

So there'll be a video to go along with the audio, huh?

Yeah, dude, yeah.

So Jihad and his folks, they had like Brad or me or Dwight,

they have us call wherever they're at, wherever, you know,

But they're there in a situation where they're actually getting the reactions.

Yeah, it was great.

The funny thing is, and I'm not giving spoilers out,

but we were trying to come up with another idea.

We had a really good one, and we're trying to do another one,

and we're going back like, do we want to do this?

No, it's been done.

Do we want to do this?

No, I'm not really feeling that today.

I said, you know what?

I'm just going to be Carlito, and I'm going to yell for no reason

and be an asshole, and you just get a reaction.

Let's see.

Let's fuck it.

Let's just roll the dice.

and it was fucking epic it was really fucking funny like i just uh you know i you guys will

get to hear it i don't want to give out any more spoiler just saying that the shit is awesome it's

it's going to be a lot of fun this sounds pretty fucking good i'm pretty excited man let me know

i want the link for sure just go now and subscribe to the calls of mass confusion channel

at youtube that's that's the project dwight is saying october 31st is a release date

October.

There we go.

Halloween.

Aha.

Yeah.

And then, of course, don't forget, about a month after that, it's going to be Pranksgiving.

Which should go a lot easier this year, again, because we've got even more hosts that help out with Pranksgiving.

That's awesome.

Pranksgiving, everybody.

Pranksgiving.

That's when we do 24 hours, a 24-hour block of live shows.

You know, we've got different hosts taking over, you know, different three-hour shifts.

Is it 24 hours?

That's crazy.

Yeah, we've done it the last few years, and we've always done it to benefit a charity.

it's always been a lot of fucking fun and giant's plan this year is we kind of messed with it last

year we were doing some pranks later on towards the end the ending segments where we were calling

these really busy stores on black friday which is the big holiday shopping event here every year

and we had our listeners who are there like watching just giving us the feedback of what

what was happening

and shit like that.

Wow.

Yeah,

so now G.I.D.

G.I.D.'s going to take that

and we're going to,

you know,

try to see if we can get

actual reactions and stuff.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

I'm really super excited.

Good,

cool.

Everyone support G.I.D.

in this.

He's working really,

he's working really,

really hard on this project

and I'm trying to help him

out as much as possible.

Everyone,

give your support to him

if you can.

If he needs,

if he's asking for help

with ideas

or whatever it is.

Yeah,

it's going to be,

it's going to be really cool

to get this going.

It can only benefit PCN because you get the word out.

The prank call hysteria.

Cool.

I call stupidity.

Where are we at?

Let me get back.

I've got a number for Chippendale show.

I don't know if I'm feeling that.

MGM Grand show tickets.

I'll try it.

Not really feeling that, but we'll see.

I'll give it a shot.

So these are shows at a Vegas casino.

Well, more like a Vegas resort.

I don't even know who they have on show at the MGM Grand.

Maybe we can see them tired.

Thank you for calling the MGM Grand Las Vegas Room Reservations.

I haven't been given out any links tonight, so I know we're deep into this,

but madhouselive.com, prankcallnation.com.

Thank you for your patience.

Please remain on the line.

Thanks for interrupting me, you cunt.

We'll be with you as quickly as possible.

Madhouselive.com and prankcallnation.com.

And there's Facebooks, Twitters, and podcasts galore over there,

and chat rooms and whatnot and so forth.

Does anyone want to join me on the conference?

Let me know now.

I'd be more than happy to have you join me on the conference for sure.

Shit, Jag was calling.

I just noticed Jag was calling.

Shit.

I didn't know the last time he was.

I'm trying to call.

Thank you for your patience.

Please remain on the line, and the next available representative will be with you as quickly as possible.

I'm trying.

I'm releasing the mat.

What's up, Morgan?

Are you here?

It sounded like you.

Yeah, I'm here.

Dwight's here.

Ken, did you get in?

Did you get it in?

Yes, that is correct.

Good.

And Drew Brees just threw an 80-yard fucking touchdown for me.

Thank you.

Oh, fucker.

Bonus points like a motherfucker.

You get, like, three bonus points.

And it was in overtime, too.

For the win.

So Saints won?

Thank you for your patience.

They beat the Cowboys.

Please remain on the line.

Yes.

Good.

I had every single Cowboys fan at work.

We'll be with you as quickly as possible.

There's one uniting thing among the people at work that I dislike is that they're all Cowboys fans.

I just couldn't start Stafford against Seattle this week.

I had to put Brees in.

Man, I made mistakes.

Man, I sat Cecil Schwartz, and he got like 14 points, I think.

He had a recovered touchdown.

Brady's on a bye in fucking Manning.

Only got me 21 points.

What a bitch.

I had a chance to start Larry Donald from the Giants.

He scored a bunch of points.

Didn't do it.

I benched Cecil Schwartz's third from Marvin Jones.

I got fucked there.

Arian Foster, he came back this week.

I was like, he's back, baby.

Piece of shit.

He did shit for me.

I got Amir Abdullah for the Lions.

They were projecting for like five points.

But then our main running back is out, so now his projection went up.

How'd you do, Morgan, on your fantasy football?

Did you do good?

Just great.

They got a lot of goals.

Nice.

A lot of goals in the net.

A lot of goals in the 90 minutes that they played to a tie.

Yeah, the third period was a little hard, but we came through.

The one guy had to switch sticks.

Like three times.

Yep.

He said period.

Hey, Jack.

Jack.

I like this guy's Twitter complaint.

Comcast, I don't need a 30-minute sales pitch each time I forget my password.

Stop sucking at life and let me pay my bill.

Stop forgetting your password.

Please remain on the line, and the next available representative will be with you as quickly as possible.

Dude, I want to call him, because stop forgetting your password.

You just fucked last pass.

I don't know.

Open, make a Google Doc.

Something.

I don't think it's his correct information.

We should do some complainer calls since we got all the supervisors on here.

I'm grabbing some right now.

Yeah, sweet.

Start out for that motherfucker complaining about, oh, I forgot my password again.

Yeah, it's not his correct information.

We can't call him.

Oh, fuck him, though.

Oh, my God.

The jam right here.

Well, that's a downfall of, would you like us to save your information?

Because then you don't fucking punch it in, ever.

Right.

Thank you for your patience.

No problem, bitch.

Please remain on the line, and the next available representative will be with you as quickly as possible.

We're going to need new numbers.

I'll keep it going while I look for another number to call.

That's a good James.

This is the MGM Grand, right?

Yeah, shit.

We're winning this song for nothing.

Venetian Entertainment Concierge.

The Venetian in Vegas looks like it's a concierge.

Okay.

See, I don't know if these places are even open.

I'm giving up on that.

I'll stop.

Sorry.

Enough.

Let me know when she sent me numbers there, Dwight, Cam.

All right, yeah, I'm going to grab a handful.

Here's a Denny's.

The Denny's you tried to call earlier tonight that was busy?

Here it is.

Another man's treasure.

What's up?

This is Peggy with a sweet to go order.

Yeah, I will be.

How you doing, Big Fat Peggy?

What are you doing?

I'm looking to get some food to feed my big mouth.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you want?

I want one eggs.

Mm-hmm.

With heat.

I'm sorry?

With heat.

Tell me how you want them.

Like this.

Like this right here.

Well, I'm not there to see what you're doing.

I'm pointing on the menu.

Well, sorry.

What can I do for you?

The eggs.

Okay, you either order or I'm hanging up, okay?

I'm ordering eggs, please.

Okay, well, how did you want them cooked?

Did you want them scrambled?

No, no, no, no, nothing like that.

I don't need them upgraded or nothing.

They need to have the yellow thing

in the middle.

I'm bored with that call then.

I know it's fun.

It's incredulous, all that stuff.

She was still there the whole time.

Yeah, we should do some complainers

and try and get everyone on the call

as a different supervisor.

That's always funny.

I'm looking up

uh porn yeah yeah no i'm looking up wankers while we get more numbers from dwight he's working on

he's working on it that's racist conspiracy conspiracy i'm looking for people in the town

of bally kelly bally kelly bally kelly yeah i never heard of that that sounds like it might

be an island but i'm not sure kelly bally kelly sounds irish to me isn't all of the uk

Oh, it's all of the UK and Ireland, did you say?

Yeah, it's in Northern Ireland, by the way.

Yeah, I was right.

Good.

A. Campbell.

It is.

How do you want your eggs cooked?

Hello?

A. Campbell?

Yeah.

Yeah, you need to go home outside right now.

You need to get outside of the house because it's not safe.

That's not nice.

What's wrong with me?

Well, shit.

It's not safe.

That's when you just start yelling there's a ghost in your house to see if you can really freak him out.

That's a great way to get out of it actually. It's a ghost.

There's a ghost! Fucking Slimer's in the house!

Slimer.

Oh shit, yeah. Well remembered, Mistress Morgan.

I had a little idea for UK wankers actually.

Take it. Here's G. Campbell.

Okay. Well, it's like a concept we can all do, but...

Okay. Well, demonstrate, please.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message...

Hello.

Here's Jake.

Alright, here's a John Campbell instead.

Numbers are now in your wheelhouse, Carly.

Oh, it's busy.

Never mind.

Damn it.

All right.

M. Campbell.

Did you get those to what you said?

Is that what you said?

Yep.

They're in your message box.

All right.

Good.

We're cool, Con.

We'll take it at the moment.

Sweet dreams.

And as in Nicholas Campbell.

So we're going to get in those numbers.

Where'd you say, did you put them in this Skype chat or in a private one, Dwight?

Private one.

All right, I'll check.

Private parts.

Blankers are striking.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, I'm calling with the ASDA head office.

How are you doing this morning?

ASDA head office?

It's fucking five o'clock in the morning.

Yes, sir, I apologize for the hour of the day, but I do have a lot of calls to make.

I'm calling regarding the new law that comes into force today regarding the 5P carrier bags.

Are you aware of this?

No, I'm not interested.

No, I don't care if you're interested, sir.

I need to speak to you about this urgently.

5P carrier bag.

I have no idea where to begin to figure out what that means.

There's a new law that comes into force today, this morning,

that everyone has to pay 5P for a carrier bag now.

What's a carrier bag?

Hey, sir.

Like a plastic bag.

Sir, I'm the manager.

I'm here with the other manager regarding the carrier bag, 5P.

Yeah, shopping bag, sir.

Yeah, do you have to pay?

Sir, we detected that your family has previously taken

quite a large amount of plastic bags from our store,

so we're going to retroactively charge you for those, okay?

Now, at the new 5P charge, based on the number of bags you've used,

you're going to owe us £37.55, sir.

Sir, you won't be allowed in the store again until you clear these charges.

Wake up, sir.

This is as the problem.

Yeah, this guy's being a motherfucker.

What an asshole.

Sir, you gotta pay that shit, motherfucker. Come on.

Sir, how many dedicated WAM do you need to run a server?

Okay, we're gonna double the charge, so it's gonna be 60, or sorry, 72, 72 pounds.

$15.

Hey, you son of a bitch, say something.

Sir, wake up. Nobody sleeps on the Azta Corporate office.

Okay, it's 15 pounds per every minute that he is silent and uncompliant.

Good.

Yes.

Charging right now. We started right now.

If you don't want to pay the charge, sir, we will let you in the store,

but you won't be allowed any more plastic bags,

so you will have to carry all your shopping or put it in your pockets and stuff.

And hurry up, we've got to call Milkman back.

He gets mad. It takes a long time.

He's had enough of that shit.

Finally.

Let me get Milkman.

And we've got a person who's stuck in the Denver airport.

That's the Illuminati base, right?

Yeah.

The aliens.

Oh, that's the one with the weird thing in it, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Freaking Illuminati, right?

Yeah.

So we're going to take an angle with this.

What should we do?

Let's give him clues on where he can find things there.

Like the mural with the Hitler.

Hey, milkers, I got your back.

Lost you there at some point.

I got your back.

Got your back.

Hey, I got busy, man.

Can you call me back?

Oh, yeah.

Milkman's getting laid.

You hear that, Jag?

Oh, Milkman is Jag.

Yeah, man.

Go, Milkman.

Jagging off.

I got you.

I'll talk to you later.

Give her one from us.

All right, just mute us.

I'll put it in a shot for you, y'all.

Hey Milkman, it's Dwight

When you're doing her, think about me

You'll last longer if you do that

He came already

Look what you've done, Dwight

milkman everyone

he's gonna call back everyone

alright milkman

trying to find

I know there's like this

really weird part

Denver airport

free mason

there's like this little

weird little

pad thing

that sticks out

I'm gonna tell him

if he touches that

here we go

the secrets of the

Denver international airport

I see the murals

I'm just going to try to get into the stone.

What's it called?

The Masonic logo is sitting right above the New World Airport Commission.

Okay.

I don't know where it is.

Dedication capstone.

All right, we're going to see that.

Where is the Denver Airport dedication capstone?

All this for nothing, probably.

That's how it always works, right?

Yeah, it really does.

I'm sure someone's got to be like, yeah, go here to see this.

Back in the day, the stories focused on the prize, the delay in the opening,

and then there were some rumors, too.

What's really under the ground at DIA?

Is there a city under there?

The conspiracy theories surrounding DIA have gone worldwide.

If you type DIA conspiracy into YouTube, you'll find more than 80,000 videos,

many with tens of thousands of views.

Nine News reporter Corey Rose and photojournalist Chris Choline

set out to find out

what is really

under DIA.

Oh.

178 Leon.

There's something

mysterious

about going down

six flights

under the airport.

Low lights,

cold temperatures,

and a steady draft

greet you.

Anytime you go

underground,

there's always

something a little

unusual,

a little different.

Rumors have

filled the tunnels here.

There are so many

conspiracy theories

that exist about

Was that Mistress Morgan?

Morgan, was that you?

Morgan works at the D.A.

That sounded like her kind of...

It actually does.

Right?

Yeah, I work in the tunnel.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind came out in 1977,

16 years before the airport was built.

There is no link between Denver International Airport and this...

But think about it, 16, right?

What do you get if you add the 1 and 6 together?

7, right?

There you go, and you get Denver.

Great Hollywood film, unfortunately.

Now we go to the old baggage rooms.

Then you add $8 to that, and that'll be what I do for anything.

There are peculiar stamps of numbers and letters here and there,

and flickering lights that leave you with a bit of a chill.

They put the flickering lights and installed them specifically to flicker.

Conspiracy.

...have even suggested that they were made just the right size so that we could carry bodies in them.

Also, not true.

Just for the bags...

That's Mistress Morgan.

...people also have theories about...

It totally is.

Come on, Morgan.

We're out of here again.

...because they were built...

You're in an Illuminati show.

Let's start again.

Oh, and I don't know if I just lost power.

It looks like it, doesn't it?

What are you guys saying about me?

That's fucking you on the TV.

You're a spokesman for the Illuminati government conspiracy.

No, no one's supposed to know about that.

Kind of an international...

Shit.

Oh.

Internet.

Secret.

All clear.

Except for maybe this one.

Down now to Concourse B.

One of the most well-known theories is that...

When she said this one, they showed a Mexican guy.

I think that's what they...

...that a city exists under DIA.

I think people would be very disappointed if they were actually...

Yeah, that's Mr. Morgan.

if you call the thousands of airport workers under dia a city then perhaps that theory has

some truth to it we're under the footprint of 53 million people 53 million people travel through

this airport every year it seems like it would be pretty difficult to hide all of these covert

activities when you have that going on and you have these thousands of workers that are down

What did you say, Mistress Morgan?

Oh, it's the recording, sorry.

Alright, I don't know.

We got lost in that.

That is kind of weird. That actually kind of

That sounds exactly like

Sounds exactly like you, Trey.

I thought he was playing, like, some audio shit

and then Mistress was doing commentary over

in the cell.

That's what I thought.

I'm sitting here gathering numbers

and I'm like, what did Mistress, what, she's been there?

She's been exploring the tunnels?

Do we know how late it is?

that we're speaking.

Yeah, we do. She's in the conference.

Haha.

Wait a sec.

Let me go back to the beginning of it and see if I can get her name.

While they start talking to her.

Yeah, we should connect her with Morgan.

We should call her.

Oh my god.

Morgan should be like, I'm you in the future.

The aliens really were there the whole time.

Yeah.

Alright, I got the beginning of her, I think, now.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

No.

It's a close encounter in a steady draft.

I can't find it now.

Oh, great.

Want to watch it from the beginning?

80,000 videos, many with text.

No.

Yeah!

Conspiracy.

This is her.

The theories that exist about Denver International.

It's just a conspiracy.

It doesn't really say.

All right, I'm tired of it.

Yeah.

Well, we get it.

I'll try to find it on my app.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll link you.

How about that?

There you go.

Well, isn't that the link you already put in from thechive.com?

No, that was...

Oh, okay. Never mind.

That's that one.

Okay, thank you.

You got it.

So we're supposed to call this guy who's staying there.

And again, big setup.

Huge setup.

Huge.

I mean, we've given this person a huge setup.

Okay, his name is Jason, and he's very upset about that.

When they take what you got

Please enjoy this Verizon ringback

Oh no

I'm gonna go ahead and shoot myself now

Hey

Hello

Jason, hi, this is Eddie

Eddie Loyola, I'm calling from United Airlines

I understand you're stuck in the Denver airport

Due to an issue that we're having

Yep

Okay, alright, did you get accommodations for the night?

Uh, looks like I'm staying over in the hotel

You're gonna be staying in the hotel?

Trying to run over to, my phone's about to die on me

I got a flight ready for you sir

If you want to leave tonight

Out of Denver

We got a flight just came in

Special for as many of the people as we could fit

From the flight that got cancelled

Okay hang on let me get to my bag

Because my phone is literally about to die

Alright hurry up this is it

If this phone disconnects you're staying there

I get that you don't have to give me the

Alright well I'm just saying you got to make it happen

You got to meet me half way here

Dude seriously

Seriously?

Yeah, you got to be...

You're giving me the runaround, and...

All right, you know what?

Am I going to have to cancel this guy's flight for tomorrow, then?

You want the flight...

I'm finding this really...

Huh?

I'm finding this really humorous.

Why?

All I'm telling you to give me is to give me a moment so I can plug my phone in.

Oh, okay.

You're going to give me grief.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, because I only...

What do you mean, okay?

That's what I told you.

Hang on.

I need to get my phone plugged in.

I was only supposed to go home...

I was only supposed to go home to my children three minutes ago.

Yeah.

Are you for real?

That's fine.

Fine, go ahead, go ahead.

I've talked to plenty of people off of your flight that have treated me just like this.

You people are disgusting.

Yeah, and you're not from United.

That much I can assure you.

Do you want to speak to my supervisor if you don't believe me?

Well, fine, get your supervisor on the phone.

All right, just a moment.

Hello, Ron Blackman.

I am with United.

I'm Ron Blackman.

How can I help you, sir?

Your agent that I'm just talking to needs to be either fired or reprimanded for his

attitude.

Wait, wait, wait.

Could you bear with me one moment while I just see who you were speaking to here?

yeah let's okay you just spoke to mr what was the issue sorry i'm not in the loop here she is that

i'm stuck here in denver and i all of a sudden got a phone call from this number saying hey sir uh

would you like to leave out tonight we can get you out tonight and i said hell okay hang on a

second let me get my phone is literally about to die let me get my charger out to where i can

charge up my phone he said oh yeah sure you want it you want to get on there or not the guy's giving

me grief about it so all i'm telling him give me a minute let me get this thing in he starts

He starts giving me attitudes, saying, I was supposed to let my kids three minutes ago, so sure, take your time.

Right, sir. I am really sorry about this.

As you can imagine, with all the problems we're having at the moment, some of our staff are having quite a stressful day, to say the least.

I do completely apologize for that.

In fact, what I'm going to do, if you don't mind staying on the line, is I'm going to get his direct line manager in here, and we're going to discipline him for this.

Let me try and get...

Cross, are you there? Are you there?

I'm here. He's not stuck in an airport. He said he's in his hotel room, Mr. Blackman.

Okay, well, listen, I'm not happy with the way you spoke to him, all right?

I've told you about this before.

I'm going to get Mr. McClanahan in here, and we're going to do a disciplinary, okay?

Just one moment.

Thanks a lot, man.

Good evening. This is Dwight.

Hi, Dwight. We're going to have to discipline Cross.

He's just been really rude to another one of our customers here

who's had a really bad day after his flight was canceled.

You know about Mr. Cross.

We've had a lot of problems with this particular employee.

Yeah, it's my understanding that he's under executive probation right now.

Right, right.

You know, if there's one thing I can assure you, this is not United that I am talking to.

That's what I know.

So I can assure you this is, we can verify that for you now.

No respectable company would allow their people to talk to a customer like that,

and no one would reprimand them in the following manner.

I can absolutely assure you that we're not going to allow him to get away with this,

and in fact, Mr. McClanahan is now going to administer us banking.

No.

Who in the world is this?

Settle down there, fuzzy britches. We're trying to handle this employee for you.

Tell you that, Cross.

How did you get my phone number?

We work for United and the Illuminati.

We can get anything we want.

I don't know who in the world you are.

Anyway, whatever, dude.

You were pretty upset.

You thought we were being for real.

Who is this?

You were pretty upset.

This is pretty Bobby.

Well, you done fucked around getting your phone charger.

Flight just left.

Hey, listen.

You need to be careful in that Denver airport.

There are aliens in the basement, and it's an Illuminati airport, and they're anti-Christian people.

people and so i think they're calling you for your flight right now they're looking to take

away all our guns and take our rights away and they got obama in the office right now in the

white house and he's gonna keep our guns he even said it himself on the tv and they staged a sandy

hook that actually never happened yeah that's true nobody died no one got hurt yeah conspiracy

and while disney's alive bush did 9-11 jet fuel can't melt steel beams so you know this

I was just going to say that.

So if you want to enlighten me on who in the world you are, because you're wasting my time right now.

Oh, yeah.

Sir, can I just tell you, just go ahead and lay back on that bed, relax, get yourself some of that hotel porn, and just enjoy the night.

Get you a few brews.

It'll be all right.

We'll pay for it.

Yeah, sir.

What else were you doing that was so important?

Not much.

I guarantee it.

How's the hotel porn on your feet today, sir?

How much of an idiot you have to be?

Who?

Which one?

There's like four of us.

We'll never know.

Oh, that's right. Milkman wasn't.

I'm used to seeing Milkman.

That was fun.

That was a good little call, yeah. Definitely.

All right.

Glad we did that. Let's see what's next.

Good number, Dwight.

Next, we've got April, who says,

Comcast, PFFT.

Comcast consistently screws me.

Overcharged for bad service.

Snitty outsourced

custom service lies.

i'll get no credit uh they could learn something from dwight because dwight gets some baloney

coupon credits all the time from comcast every month he makes it a regular part of his spending

he writes it down he's like you know comcast be 80 and then he puts like a minus under that

it was 20 because he expects to call and get that every month yeah hookers hookers for his hooker

is once a month hooker i'm trying to type quiet i'm sorry shut up ah hooker blood

I don't know if Milkman's ready yet

I'm presuming Milkman was planning on calling myself

I don't have any missed calls

Charge that soon

It's at 26%

Shit

Alright, I'm going to go to the next one

Just in case

This one is a Twitter complainer

At CenturyLink

CenturyLink will send someone to fix it on Saturday

Oh good

Proceeding that

So apparently they're being sarcastic about their repair call for Saturday.

I don't appreciate any sarcasm from customers.

I certainly do not.

We're going to have to push that date back by another four weeks.

Yeah, and there's a no sarcasm fee.

It's just going to cost too much to fix.

We're canceling service.

I just love it when they get mad when they say they broke their terms of service

for not going to arbitration versus a company.

All right, sure.

Sure.

Hang on, just

adjusting the caller ID.

Oh, man, chuckle.

That guy was funny, though.

At least he laughed. He had a chuckle.

Too bad we'll have to charge him

a homo sapien chuckle fee.

Yeah, no chuckle.

Yeah.

He's not taking us seriously.

Alright, now I hit the submit changes button

and I go to the top and hit apply configuration.

It's true.

I am.

That was more of a southern voice.

Oh.

Yeah, that was different.

Oh.

It was different.

Here we go.

This is Ben.

Hello?

Yes?

Okay, hi.

I'm calling from CenturyLink.

I understand you're having an issue with your service.

Yeah.

Okay, and you had an issue with the call being for Saturday then?

You wanted that earlier?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Is there a reason why you decided to take that information publicly

and break your terms of service instead of coming to us first

and trying to work out a resolution?

What are you talking about?

You have, I guess, either the social media flags,

the monitor, we have a filter on all our CenturyLink customers.

If you create a negative review or there's a whole list of sites,

I think Twitter, Facebook, Yelp, things like that.

that if you create a negative review, it flags your account,

it gets reviewed by the legal department,

and in this case it looks like they're flagging you for breaking your terms of service

because you gave out a negative review probably or something like that.

I don't have all the details.

If you have something in your terms of service that says I can't review your service, that's illegal.

No, it's not that you can't review our service.

It's that you're supposed to go through legal arbitration,

third-party non-binding legal arbitration first,

Before you do anything like that, what you did, it's in the terms of service, and we reserve that.

No, I'm allowed to review whatever the hell I want.

And we're allowed to terminate your service for that, so how about we go ahead and do that now?

Is that what you want?

Oh.

What a bitch.

Wow.

Call her back.

I like this song. I have to bookmark this song.

I like it.

I like the drum riffs.

Yeah.

The piano sounds really nice.

Hi, this is Benet. Leave me a message.

The piano has this electricness that they added to it.

Electric quality, I like.

I'm trying to hear...

No, I'm not trying to hear through time.

There it is.

Uh, we got...

Next, it says United.

So you've got time to massage my back,

but I still get not a word of apology.

Hmm.

Who massaged his back?

It was me.

I did, I guess.

why do i live my life this way why do i live my life

hi this is benay leave me a message the day hey we're gonna need you here in a few minutes all

right is it the day like the thing that cleans the booty i should have listened to that again

we left our voicemail everybody all right again uh you got time to oh you have time to message

message me back.

What's wrong with me?

God damn, I'm losing it, man.

I believe you.

I think I got that Parkinson's.

So yeah, I guess they messaged him back saying

please DM your confirmation number

so we can share this with our food services team.

Something happened.

Now we gotta look further into this to see what the deal is.

This is why I stopped flying United, he says.

He's got some kind of beef with them.

Hang on, let me look at this timeline.

It's like someone went out of their way to design the world's most useless non-versatile pen.

I don't expect airplane food to be good, but I do expect it to both.

I do expect it to bot, try, and kill me.

To not try and kill me.

Okay, that's what he meant.

Bought a $10 sandwich on board United.

I put something in my mouth before realizing it was literally rotten, dripping slime.

Rotten, dripping slime.

I didn't pay that much.

And I left Hungry Chew because I was offered nothing else

aside from a refund, not even a basic apology.

Okay, well, yeah, he's got a point.

That's fucking bullshit.

But let's fuck with him, right?

Because this is Madhouse.

It's what we do.

Anyone?

I'm going to take a break.

I'm going to sit this one out.

Anyone?

I'll take it, yeah.

Can you post the tweet so I can take it hard?

I can stalk him all night.

There you go.

It has been done.

I'll be a manager if needed.

Yay.

Remember that lady who I tweeted at

said they did the same thing to me?

Yes.

She ended up finding my YouTube channel,

so I had to block her.

Oh, shit.

She tweeted at me saying,

you're such a jagoff.

See what I did there?

And then put on an angry face.

I was like, oh, shit.

That's kind of nice of her, though.

She kind of took it well, it seems.

She blocked me on Twitter for laughing at her, though.

Get down, then.

She was like, she tweeted that some British dickhead

I had to call her or something.

I don't.

Now the dialing can't begin.

Yes.

All right.

I can drink my water.

Hi, is that Mr.

Yes, it is.

Hello there, sir.

My name's Ron Blackman.

I'm calling with United.

Oh, hi.

Okay, how are you?

I'm actually right in the middle of dinner right now.

Could you call back in about half an hour?

I'm not sure.

I am actually supposed to finish work shortly.

I was just hoping to try and resolve this issue with you.

Just what it is, we noticed a tweet from our social media department that was sent over.

I understand you had quite an unpleasant incident,

and I'd just like to discuss that with you and find out what happened.

Okay, sure.

All right, give me one minute.

Thank you.

No problem.

Hello there.

Okay, so you're going to have to fill me on the details, but I understand there was an issue with the in-flight meal, is that correct?

Yeah, yeah, so what happened was I ordered my seat, and the cabin lights were quite dim, so I didn't really, and I was about to take a bite, and then when I had it in my mouth, I was off about it, so I took it out of my mouth, opened it up, and the sandwich was like slimy, green, completely rotten inside.

side um oh my goodness so it was actually the bread was moldy and green uh it was like the

filling had turned to like uh yeah it was like a slime in there it was like uh i mean it was um

and then um one thing and then and then um i called the attendant over the flight attendant over um

my sandwich is rotten and i handed it to him and he said um he said like oh my god or something

like that and and took it um and then uh then they then the attendants left and then they came

Came back, the card reader asked me to swipe my card again so they could give me a refund,

and they said, okay, your card has been refunded.

But the thing that bothered me was that the entire time they never even said I'm sorry

or offered to give me some other food or anything.

They just basically, I think they were surprised also, and they kind of just took it away

and then came, refunded my card, and said, your card is refunded, and that was it.

No apology, nothing like that.

And then again, when I tweeted about it, the same people on social media,

the same thing happened they said um could could you send us a direct message so that we can get

details um but again not a single apology which to me i think is just um that's the part that

really bothered me that nobody you know nobody admitted that that there was okay okay um right

i'm just looking at my notes here you said sorry there was an inconsistency in your story there

that i'd just like to clarify you first of all said that you were about to take a bite when you

noticed the sandwich and then afterwards you said you already took a bite can i just clarify

Terrified. Did you actually eat any of the sandwich?

Yeah, it was in my mouth, but I didn't bite a piece off the sandwich.

I had lifted it to my mouth and then noticed a strange check.

It was in my mouth, but before I had bitten down on it.

Okay. What kind of sandwich was it, may I ask?

I think it was like a sirloin something.

I don't remember what they called it exactly, but it was the only one they had on that plate.

The only hot sandwich they had on that plate.

I think it was a beef, something with beef in it.

Oh, the hot beef. Okay.

Okay. So, okay. I actually have on the line with me our health and hygiene manager, Ms. Kendra Banchode.

She's responsible for essentially ensuring the quality of the food that we supply during the flight.

And if it's okay with you, I'd like to patch her in here just so we can discuss what might have happened and a possible resolution.

Would that be okay?

Sure.

Sure, sure.

Okay, I'm just going to dial her in here.

Let's see, one moment.

Okay, that's the number.

Kendra speaking. How can I help you?

Hi, Kendra. I've got Mr., sorry, it's one of those foreign names.

Lopez.

Mr. Lopez on the line, and he's been complaining that he wasn't happy with a sandwich that he purchased on a flight.

He's been making quite a lot of noise on Twitter.

okay you're representative at 5309 right is that ron yes that's right okay okay um so he

sorry what was the issue he was eating on on the flight and what happened yeah i i've got him on

the line at the moment but he's on hold so he can't hear us and uh yeah he's he's been bitching

on twitter several times that hey you know i can't he's saying that the the sandwich wasn't

acceptable it was rotten and slimy and yeah can you just maybe give him the spiel about

About how we, you know, check everything for quality and that kind of thing.

It would have been made that day, so...

Right, I don't really see how the bread could have been moldy.

I think he's exaggerating.

We often get this, but I'll patch you through,

and if maybe you could try and smooth things out.

Yeah, absolutely. No problem, Ron.

Oh, hi. Hello? Hi there, sir. This is Kendra speaking.

Yeah, hello. Hey, by the way, I was not on hold right now.

I heard everything you were saying, and...

What do you mean, sir? Excuse me? What do you mean?

I heard him saying that I was bitching. Are you kidding me?

You're accusing me of lying?

You heard who say that, sir.

Nobody said you were bitching.

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

That is the exact phrase he used just now.

You are...

All right, bye.

Excuse me, sir.

Hello, sir.

He's gone, he's gone.

I always love that line.

I was not at all.

We didn't really have anywhere to go with it,

so I thought we'd just insult him while it's on hold.

We never said sorry.

Someone else should call back

as, like, the bigger bombs are coming.

Yeah.

The final bomb.

Just don't apologize.

You're nobody apologizing.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, hi, this is Cross Valente.

I'm the manager here at the United Call Center.

Okay, your guy thought he put me on hold,

and he hadn't.

He was talking shit about me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

Saying that I was lying.

He used the word he's bitching on Twitter,

causing quite a fuss.

He said I was lying.

It's like, he thought, and then he said, I have him on hold, so he can't hear what we're talking about.

But I was not on hold.

I heard every single thing they said, and he totally, totally fucked up.

Okay, I understand your assessment.

Language, please, language, language.

I cannot believe that he just did that.

Okay, I understand.

But can we just, language, please, sir, and I'll help you out.

I promise, I'm the manager.

I'm serious.

I am in the middle of dinner right now.

You basically, you ruined my flight, and now you've ruined my night, and I'm not interested in talking to you.

Thank you.

That rhymed. I'm not apologizing.

He thinks he's fucking Dr. Seuss over there.

Should've asked if he's having sandwiches for dinner.

You ruined my night, you ruined my flight.

I will not eat the green things in here.

I will not eat the green sirloin sandwich I wore last night.

Not on my flight, not on my night.

alright let's take bets on how long

before this guy tweets again

he's gonna finish that fucking dinner first

then it's on

I think he's too angry to eat anything now

and then they call me

we ruined his night

we ruined his appetite too

you can just see him like he's sitting at a desk

he just swipes his hand across the desk

and then falls into the fucking trash right next to it

like it's bullshit

Bullshit.

I bet the whole family's inside eating dinner

and he just walks in and tips the table over.

Sloth says,

I do not like them in the plane.

I do not like them in the rain.

He is Dwight and he ruined my flight

and he ruined my night.

I won't eat them with Dwight

and I will not eat them at night.

Did you guys notice what he actually does for work

and for his job?

No.

He's a chef.

Home cooking through science.

So he's like a chef.

He runs like a cooking business.

Oh, nice.

That's funny.

So, you know what it probably is?

His standards are probably way higher than...

Yeah, he's probably got a high standard.

He's exaggerating.

Yeah.

Actually, it looks like he's written a New York Times bestselling book about food.

What?

It's a fucking airplane.

So is Gia.

He got a...

He talked to them and did a bunch of book reviews.

Yeah, here's the website.

It looks like New York Times...

Oops, sorry.

New York Times bestseller is what it says.

He does have a high...

you know there's something about men

men don't hyphenate your names

really

feminists like that

but that's a woman trait

oh I know for sure

I'm just saying it's okay for women to do it

I understand they want to keep their maiden name

but men don't do that

what do you want to do that for

it basically indicates that your balls

are in someone's purse right

yeah really because hey listen

you're the one that's in charge

of carrying through your sperm uh your genetic material to carry your family's name or are you

gonna mix it up with someone else's who is in your blood yeah you love them and all that but

they're not your blood you know come on yeah and if you blow smoke on a lady's face you're

basically raping her lungs so basically yeah and if you touch me if when i don't want you to it's

rape. Okay. What if you

blow smoke in her ass?

Blow it out your ass.

That's just the same, man.

That's

third-hand smoke.

Someone

here has said that they spent two hours

trying to draft a blog post and managed

to upload two images. Thanks, Comcast.

Can I interrupt for just

a second? Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at

my Facebook, and I'm about to smack some

relatives who

fucking

repost everything that has to do with weed.

First of its kind study

finds virtually no driving impairment

under the influence of marijuana.

No, you were impaired in some

capacity when you smoked weed.

Yeah, like Milkman is right now. He just went home

and smoked a bunch of drugs and now he's

out of work. They think weed cures

everything and you can do no wrong on it.

It's like, dude, come on. You're impaired

if you smoke. I smoke

a lot of weed and I would not drive after getting

and high i do sometimes and i shouldn't i just get real paranoid and i drive really slow and i

break a lot so it's not like i'm gonna i mean it's not the same as being drunk but it is impaired

i would these relatives are about to catch a fucking unfriend on facebook because they do

it all the time with their family see we're talking about blood here man you're not yeah

but i don't have to watch their stupid shit all the time but blood unsubscribe them problem

The blood, the blood

There's a headline here that you'll like

It says a new study proves that smart people

Have more sex, smoke more weed, and stay up late

Fuck

I'm two out of the three, I don't smoke weed

I don't have sex, so what does that mean?

You smoke enough weed that

Yeah, and I stay up really late

You've reached the voicemail of Alicia Jew

I'm unable to answer my phone

Alicia Jew

No, her name is Chew, C-H-E-W

They're trying to set us up.

Them fucking Juiceteens.

That's what it is.

They're trying to set us up for an international incident.

Defense League, it's a conspiracy.

Conspiracy.

Conspiracetined.

Yeah.

Hello, you're the voicemail of Alicia's girl.

Point number two, quit letting your kids fucking leave your voicemail messages.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think that's a kid.

I think that's another case of they sound like a kid, but it's really an adult.

Hey.

Yeah.

Hey, honey, you want to go?

I'm going to have sex.

Ew, no.

Fucking pedophile?

I ain't in that shit.

Get out of here.

Weird.

All right, man.

Kelly Mavromatis says,

what is it with horrible customer service?

Service.

Now it's Hilton Hotels.

Thank goodness for other hotel chains to choose from.

That's a switch.

I fucking saw the Hilton in there.

I was like, well, we haven't done a Hilton Twitter complainer.

There was a Google Fiber complainer the other day.

I've never seen one of those.

Oh, there's another one in the list I got coming.

I thought everyone loved Google Fiber

Oh Fiber

How do you complain about something everyone's fawning over

Yeah

That's really

There are so many people who'd rather have that

We could call a Google Fiber

Complainer and just be really cocky

Just be like everyone loves us fuck you

Disconnecting you right now

I love doing the people that

Credit the companies

And they're like oh such and such

Did such a good job and then we call them up

I'm like, fuck you, we don't need your validation.

Take that shit down.

That Hertz call that we did was amazing.

The woman that was really happy with Hertz

and we really pissed her off.

We talked to her husband.

Yeah.

Fuck you, we don't need your validation.

Take that fucking shit down.

Horrible.

All right, here's the help and the complainer.

The number you have reached has been disconnected

or is no longer available.

Don Bill Payne, motherfuckers.

Damn, okay.

Okay.

There's Benay again.

We're ready to talk to her.

She's the Comcast complainer.

Ashley, please explain why Turkish Airlines can serve this meal on less than four hours flight,

but American Air United can't.

What meal is it?

Let me take a look.

I don't know.

She's complaining about her meal.

She's comparing it to Turkish Airlines, that they're so much better.

And the complaint is about American Airlines or United, so you guys can pick whatever you want.

Yes.

Your call has been forwarded.

Yes.

Automatic voice message.

Right.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

What's that sound?

All right.

Sorry.

That ain't going down.

I'm about tapped out.

That's the end of Dwight's numbers.

And I'm tired.

It's 1235.

I sent you another round of numbers.

Oh, did you?

All right, okay.

We'll do another hour.

Yeah.

We got more numbers?

We're talking about more numbers.

At least a half hour.

Make it one.

Just copy paste him

I just had a little kid add me on Facebook

I don't think I'm going to accept that

Yeah, I don't know

That's weird, I just got a weird friend request on Facebook

Was it Lexi?

Yes

Yep, same person

Who the fuck is it?

It's blatantly a troll account

Because there's no info on there whatsoever

Like everything's blocked

Well, accept it, see

Okay

I'll accept it for a hot minute and see what's up

Yeah, what's up Lexi?

What's up girl?

How you doing?

Holla at me.

Oh no, it seems like a real profile.

I've never heard of a real person named Lexi.

Outside of a comic book.

Did you watch the ad for that?

Yeah, I accepted just to see.

There's actual pictures.

I didn't get an ad request from Lexi.

The fuck?

Oh yeah, I did.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I did.

Lexi and I, her first picture is she's tagged in somebody and the person says,

See, I get hoes.

And Lexi said, He he, that status though, I'll be your hoe.

She made a post that says, Why do old men keep adding me?

Why do you keep adding old men, bitch?

We should all write shit on her wall.

back to this we got a comcast

complainer they were giving

comcast a 0 out of 10 worst service

ever would not recommend

0 out of 10 that's harsh

0 it's uh yeah it is really

come on

even bin laden got 1 out of 10

yeah

tell him he needs to change it to 1 out of 10

because it needs to be at least 1 star it doesn't work like that

I'll talk to his ass

Specifically say it's a star system

You gotta be at least half a star

Yeah, come on

0.5 out of 10 or something

I mean, right?

Oh, Lexi likes what I posted on her wall

We got your name, right?

Right, you got your name

Hello?

Good evening, looking for Justin.

Yeah, who's this?

Hey, how you doing, Justin? This is Dwight at Comcast Cares, Social Media Division.

Oh, okay.

We saw that you had sent a tweet over our way earlier today.

I guess you were rating our customer service as seen by you.

I saw that you had a 0 out of 10.

Could I inquire as to why we achieved that rating?

Well, one big reason is that you're calling me at 12.30 in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm over here in Seattle.

I didn't know what time it was.

Okay.

Well, yeah, it's 12.30 here, for one.

Two was that we originally asked to upgrade our cable package to, I think, the Premier.

And initially they said no problem, and they did that,

and they said it would take 24 hours for the channels to show up.

Right.

The following day, a good handful of the channels did show up,

but there were a bunch that did not get the calls and said,

like, hey, just so you know, we didn't get these channels,

just wondering are they going to show up.

So the woman, I'm trying to remember what we called her.

The woman did like a cable box reset for us.

She did a couple different things.

And she said, okay, well, you have the package description.

It's there.

I did a reset.

It said, though, it should show up tomorrow.

It'll be there tomorrow.

They weren't there.

okay yeah i don't need your whole life story or anything uh sir that rating system is based on

the star system uh we can't have a zero so you need to move it to at least half a star in your

review or you just need to take it down completely i'm completely unsatisfied and that's fucking rude

well sir i don't i don't care for the way you're using the fucking language okay i'm sorry i'm

sorry um i was dissatisfied with my service and i'm giving it a zero out of ten and that was

You need to take it down because you may face legal charges.

What's that?

I said you need to take it down because you may face some legal charges.

Legal charges for what?

For defaming our company.

What?

Slandering us, sir.

He's gone.

That guy was an asshole.

Yeah, I wanted to tell him he's divided by zero.

Maybe you should call him back.

Hello?

Sir, yes, I'm the supervisor here at Comcast Cares, the social media department.

I understand you were just speaking on the phone with my agent, Dwight.

Yeah.

Okay, is there an issue?

Because we still have the ticket open, sir.

We need to close this ticket out so we can get you the help you need.

Yeah, he was caught.

He was caught.

Yeah, he can be like that sometimes.

He has some family issues.

It can happen sometimes.

I will counsel him.

I will have to probably write him up.

He's going to get a verbal warning this time.

It's an upgrade from just the, you know, written.

Or the other way around.

He'll get a writ instead of a verbal.

The issue, though, sir, is that you have 0 out of 10 that's not working, though.

It has to be at least, you know, a half star.

When you put a 0 in that field, it does mess up with the system.

Okay, it's 5.

Out of 10.

Well, you can do out of 5 or 10.

But the problem is what you're doing, basically, it's division by 0.

And when we execute that, it comes up here.

It says div equals equals and then the number 0.

And then I had Kendra, she's the lead technician on the software,

and she said that it's because your entry is dividing by zero and that causes an error

because it's something about it's not possible to divide by zero, she says.

Right.

And what's your name again?

I'm sorry.

Ed Valente, I'm the supervisor here.

She can help you out in taking care of that.

Hang on.

I got it.

This is Kendra speaking.

speaking how can i help you hey kendra it's uh it's it's eddie uh hey honey baby i've got uh

justin on the line here uh he's on he's on hold he can't hear us he's fucking up the system he's

he put in a zero slash 10 out of oh for the review yeah and it does that div by zero error

thing yeah yeah i know we talked about that earlier he needs to fix his shit and he's

he like he got he cursed dwight out and upset dwight really bad okay did he call us uh no he

He left a very nasty message on Twitter.

On Twitter?

Twitter, okay.

I think it's called Twitter.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, I'll put him through.

Yeah, patch him through to me.

I'll hold him.

Yeah, I'm on the line, dude.

Hello, this is Kendra speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I was on the line hearing all of that.

Sorry, hearing all of what?

It was the hold music, correct?

What you and that guy were talking about.

Sorry?

I'm a little bit confused about what you're speaking about.

There was an issue that we had called you about regarding the tweet, correct?

This is Justin. Hello?

This is Justin, yeah.

I think he thought I was on hold, but I wasn't, and I heard your entire conversation.

Okay, yeah. He was just letting me know about the situation,

just so I was aware of what's going on before he patched me through to you.

What was the issue, sir?

I don't have an issue. Apparently, I made a tweet.

But I'm looking at your tweet right now, and it says,

Comcast 0 out of 10 worst service ever would not recommend.

So it seems that there is at least somewhat of an issue

that I'm hoping we can resolve here tonight on the phone

because that's not a glowing review, to put it nicely.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, so what exactly was the issue?

Because that's, like I said, that's far from a glowing review.

Okay, the original issue is that we got cable.

We called to upgrade the cable package to the Premier package.

Yeah, I'm looking at your notes here,

and it's saying that some of the channels weren't working.

Is that correct?

Yes, yes.

There were a good handful that weren't coming through,

so then the woman tried to...

She reset it, right?

Is that correct?

Yeah, correct.

I can see that all in your notes.

So I'm just wondering why exactly was that a 0 out of 10,

because some of the channels definitely worked for you, correct?

Yeah, but not all of them, but that wasn't...

Okay, well, so that's definitely not a 0 out of 10.

I would say a 0 out of 10 would be no service at all.

In fact, no Comcast at all would be a 0 out of 10

if you're wanting Comcast service.

No, the main reason was that we then had to go through a runaround

until they finally booked us.

How many channels in total do you have, and how many channels were working?

I have no clue.

I didn't, like, survey each and every single channel.

Okay, but approximately what percentage of the channels that you have,

that you're supposed to have, were working?

Like, just percentage-wise.

Is this a real phone call, or is this a prank?

No, sir.

I'm with Comcast Cares.

I'm with the social media department.

I'm the lead supervisor here.

So I'm just wondering what percentage of the channels in your package were actually working.

I have an original that we had and then a handful extras.

I don't know.

Okay, well, that's what I'm saying, a guesstimate, sir.

Because that would be the best way to work out what, you know, how many out of ten you would give us.

We can work out, you know, say, for example, if you had 200 channels and there was 100 working,

that would be easily a five out of ten.

See what I mean?

Okay.

But that wasn't the main issue.

The main issue is that we were told that we could upgrade it,

and then today when we spoke to somebody, they said,

oh, well, with the original package you have, you actually can't upgrade to the Premiere.

Well, yeah, that's because of the type of television that you have.

It's not one of the upper-tier models, so that's why you weren't able to upgrade to the Premiere.

This is bullshit. This is a fucking prank call. This is hilarious. Holy shit.

Excuse me, sir?

I said this is a prank call. This is actually...

This absolutely is not a prank call.

I told you already.

My name is Kendra Banchode.

I'm calling from the social media department at Comcast Cares.

I'm the lead supervisor here.

How do you know what kind of TV I have?

I'm just trying to solve your issue.

Well, it's saying here that when you spoke to the representative,

they asked you what type of TV you had.

They just put in the notes that it's not one of the top-tier TVs,

therefore we can't offer you the premium package.

It wasn't even a premium package.

Yeah, this is actually really funny.

Okay, I will delete the tweet, but this is completely hilarious because this...

Anyway, so thank you.

This absolutely shouldn't... I don't know why you're finding this funny.

If you're not wanting to work out the issue that you had with us, that's one thing,

but I'm not sure why you're wasting our time on the line saying this is a prank call

when it's really not. We were just trying to solve your issue.

I'm not wasting your time. You guys called me.

Well, would you like... Sir, are you going to take down the tweet, yes or no?

Yes.

Okay, and then you're also going to replace it with a tweet in its place?

about that it was a misunderstanding, correct?

Sure.

Okay, well, I'm on your Twitter account now,

so if you could do that while we're on the line,

then I could just make that note in your account.

Otherwise, you are flagged in our system.

What would I be flagged for?

Well, you're flagged in the system because it is against the terms of your contract

that you signed with Comcast when you originally signed up,

and it does constitute libel and slander to have such a defamatory tweet on your Twitter.

The thing is, though, this account's not under my name.

Sorry, what was that, sir?

The account isn't under my name.

Okay, well, I realize that. That's fine.

But you're still posting defamatory information.

And so once you delete that tweet, it does need to be replaced with something saying it was a misunderstanding,

at least giving us a 5 out of 10, if you're going to do the review out of 10 stars again.

I'm going to block this number.

Excuse me, sir?

Well, we can disconnect your service, if you like.

No? Okay.

I think he deserves

another call back.

Got him.

Shall I try

and reason with him?

Your call has been forwarded to an

automated voice messaging system.

Hello.

What a joke.

We have the fighting by zero.

We got someone who says

the absolute worst customer support was from

Comcast. I couldn't even

even cancel my services because they don't work on Sundays.

All right, cool.

Let's cancel it.

Well, we're going to prove her wrong if we do work on Sundays.

There will be a Sunday disconnection fee, though, for disconnecting on a Sunday.

If she confirmed canceling via Twitter, it's legal.

Let's enter Terms of Service.

Always go back to the Terms of Service, guys.

Yeah.

You got to read it instead of just hitting accept.

Jagger always reads it.

this is weekly ritual with itunes the voice mailbox of zero you didn't let the number finish

how could they write it down macron does that all the time another united hello uh yes hello hi

hello uh my name is alex i'm calling from comcast cares i understand you needed to cancel your

services you're kidding me right you know it's 1 a.m you well you placed a tweet to us canceling

your services, we're calling to finalize

the ticket. I'll go ahead and put this...

Yeah, like three hours ago,

you just woke me up. I mean, this

is just another example

of what kind of service... I don't want to cut in, but maybe

you're exaggerating. It's only 12.50.

You're exaggerating, ma'am.

It's 1 a.m.?

You think I'm exaggerating when it's 1 a.m.?

It's 12.50. Be quiet. I'm putting

Ms. Lexi Washington on the line. She'll help

you with the cancellation. Goodbye.

Excuse me? Lexi, I got this

bitch woman here. She wants to cancel her account.

account you ready yeah yeah put her through i guess ma'am i have my supervisor and i want

she's going to cancel your account have a great night thank you for choosing comcast

hi there ma'am this is lexi with comcast cares how can i help you wait who are you can you can

you tell me who the hell that was that just called me it's 1 a.m yes we're calling you

you're calling from comcast at 1 a.m and then you're the person that just called me was rude

and like screamed at me like are you kidding me i highly doubt that person would have screamed at

you ma'am um that's not how we deal with customers here at comcast this is comcast customer support

so you just call people at 1 a.m regularly right you call people at 1 a.m we do work in the call

center 24 hours and we can tell yeah yeah so you just posted the tweet recently is that correct

uh no it was definitely several hours ago i've been sleeping for hours when my phone rings at

at 1 a.m. I think someone's dead or in the hospital. Well, that seems a little bit

unreasonable to be quite honest with you, ma'am. Excuse me? I said that seems a little unreasonable

and a little overdramatic to think that just because someone's calling you at a time you

might be sleeping that someone's dead. It's 1 a.m. No, ma'am. Actually, it's not. It's 12.52.

It's not 1 a.m. You must be like on the West Coast or something, correct? Don't tell me I'm

exaggerating. It's 1 a.m.

No, it's not, ma'am. For the last time, it's

12.52. You're over-exaggerating.

Oh, 12.52. What a

difference. It's a difference of

seven minutes, ma'am, actually. Oh, my

God, what a difference. Put me on to

your supervisor, please. I am the

supervisor, ma'am, but if you'd like to speak

to the head manager, I can put you

through, but please stop yelling, ma'am, or else

I'm going to have to disconnect your service and

disconnect the call. Ma'am, did you hear what I said?

It's like beyond my control.

Do you hear what I said, ma'am? I'll put you through, but I highly suggest that you take a much nicer tone with the person I put you through with. One second.

You're waking me up at 1 a.m.? Really?

Good evening. This is Dwight. How can I help you?

Hi, Dwight. I have this woman on the phone. She is being absolutely unreasonable. She's yelling and swearing and just over-exaggerating.

I'm not swearing. You're lying. It's almost 1 a.m. Who calls a customer at almost 1 a.m.?

And wake them out of their sleep.

Yeah, put Ron Blackman on.

Hiya, Ron Blackman.

Is this Dwight?

What's going on, buddy?

Lexi just tried to patch a woman into me.

Apparently she's being a real cunt, but I think you're better suited to handle this.

I'm being a real fucking cunt?

I can deal with this bitch.

Really?

Who is this bitch here?

This is ridiculous.

No, I'm going to go ahead and patch her in.

She's been on hold.

Oh, great.

Okay.

All right, hang on.

Hello, ma'am.

My name's Ron Blackman.

How can I help?

Hi, Ron Blackman.

I just heard your customer service advocate call me a cunt.

Well, well, ma'am, please, watch the language there, please, ma'am.

I'm sorry, but that was just the hold music.

That wasn't anyone at their center.

Oh, no, no, no.

Can I ask what the issue might be?

You must think that I'm on crack if you think that the hold music said,

oh, I'm trying to patch over a customer who's being a real cunt.

Right, ma'am, it does sound like you are being a bit of a cunt, to be fair.

I don't know what kind of hold music you have, but that's ridiculous.

I'm sorry?

I said, if you think that you're going to tell me that that would hold music, that's ridiculous.

I'm not sure what's happened, but I'd like to resolve the issue here, if that's okay.

Well, the issue is that it's 12.50 in the morning in eastern time in New Jersey.

No, ma'am, it's 12.55. Please, ma'am.

Well, or 12.55. Oh, what a big difference.

And I cannot believe that Comcast calls people at this time to wake them up.

Ma'am, Comcast operates 24 hours a day, and we respond as soon as possible to all social media messages, okay?

So that's why we're calling you at this hour.

Because I called Comcast hours ago.

Hours ago.

Right, ma'am, and we've only just got to you.

We are a very large company, okay?

We have a lot of customers.

No, you know what?

It's not appropriate to call customers at 12.50 a.m.

Well, ma'am, it's not appropriate to call me a cunt like you did, okay?

There's one for the clock.

I'm sorry?

It's not appropriate to be calling me a cunt.

I didn't call you a cunt, and I'm sure this conversation is being recorded.

Ma'am, I heard you. You called me a cunt just then when I came on the line.

Your client, your person, patched me over and called me that.

I would never even use that word.

I don't think that happened, Ma'am.

It wasn't a woman. It was a man.

Just from listening to you for a few minutes, I see you have a tendency to exaggerate.

But let me check the notes and see who you were speaking to.

It was the man that patched me over.

Ma'am, according to the notes, it says this is the best time to give you a call.

No, no, absolutely not.

Right.

It also, let me see here.

Do me a favor, cancel my Comcast services, all of them.

Please settle down.

Can I ask what the initial issue was that you'd like us to resolve, please,

so we can get on to the other customers?

No, I'd like to go back to sleep, so cancel all of my services with Comcast

because it's ridiculous that you or any of your associates think that you can speak to clients this way.

I'm just looking at your account, though, and we will have to apply the standard disconnection fee.

You are aware of that from your terms and conditions, correct?

That's correct. How much is it?

Based on the amount of time that you've been with us, as well as the abusive behavior on the phone line, it's going to...

Excuse me? Abusive behavior? Try this on your client's version.

Ma'am, I was speaking. Shut up, please. The fee will be $250, okay?

I know these calls are recorded.

I'm sorry, ma'am?

So don't tell me that there's abusive behavior on my part.

Your customer service advocates are the abusive people.

You blatantly use the word...

Maybe when you think you put someone on hold...

One of our advisors would do such a thing.

...and they're hearing the conversation, and, yeah.

According to the transcript here, you also called my colleague Dwight...

You know what? I can afford $250. Cancel the service.

Ma'am, it says here you called my colleague Dwight dick lips,

and you also accused him of being gay, which is actually a hate crime,

so we are actually going to have to apply the hate crime fee as well.

Yeah, no, those words were not uttered by me, so no.

Right.

No.

Ma'am, because of your continued belligerence,

I am going to have to apply the cunt canoe fee as well, okay?

Excuse me? No.

The cunt canoe fee, ma'am.

It's in your terms and conditions.

A what?

I'm just printing off your final bill to be sent out to your house now.

Excuse the noise of my dot matrix printer.

As well as that, you do still owe us the Lexi fee as well?

There is no fee. I haven't acted any way. No, I do not approve any of that.

Right, ma'am. Because you are continuing to argue, I'm going to have to apply the denial fee as well.

So that will be another $14 on top.

$15.

$15. I'm sorry, sir. Thank you.

I don't think so.

Well, really, it's irrelevant what you think at this point because the bill will be arriving in the post in the next few days.

She's gone. She's gone.

That was really good.

I'm monitoring her Twitter to see if there's any action.

Yes, dude.

What's the link to the Twitter, please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get you the...

I'll post everything here.

There's some good sound clips from that call.

I know. The hold stuff with her was probably

some of the best I've heard.

You know, hold.

They're on hold. They can't hear.

She's doing yoga in her profile picture.

sure she needs to do more of it i think she's a yoga instructor she's a yoga instructor that's

oh man that was fun that was a good call i'm glad we could do it do you like how many fees

i managed to add that yeah did you hear anything else from our stalker friend uh oh shit yeah

breaking news guys justin's tweets are now protected oh really yeah just a beeper

oh what is this okay uh we got david do you remember that lady the the review uh one that

you were talking to about she is violating the terms of service by reviewing and giving you a

negative feedback yeah yeah yeah yeah she she has tweeted okay uh i just i just got threatened for

writing a review on twitter it's agent or it's against the terms of service to review them

She's the one that hung up real quick, right?

Can everyone say hi to Lexi for me?

Hi, Lexi.

Hi, fake Lexi.

Hey, Lexi, it's Uncle Dwight.

Fuck yeah.

Well, she's gone now.

That's another listener gone.

Another female listener gone.

All right.

David says, United, every one of the responses in United Airtime is spin,

and they almost just say we are doing great.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Shut up, man.

Yeah, your circuit sucks.

He's complaining about United.

That's all I know.

Let's see if I can get him to explain the complaint first.

Your access to this long-distance provider's network is not authorized.

Please call 1-800-

All right, I give up.

I ain't doing that, dude.

Don't know what's going on there.

Here's a different United.

United canceled my flight.

rebooked for tomorrow but I'll lose an entire day return is on Delta won't

allow later I think we should offer her a complimentary day in return for the

day that she's lost just say we'll give it just say we'll give you an extra day

on your life you know she's gonna get that extra day you're gonna cancel her

her returning flight.

Was it on your show where I

offered a credit of like $3?

That was one of mine.

Oh yeah, no, no, it is mine. You offered the lady

a $1.77 fucking refund.

It's on my YouTube.

Oh, I love that call.

Yeah, I forget

what it had to, what it involved

it, but it was one of the first

Twitter complainer calls we

ever did. But you're like, oh,

she's like, I make all this money. And you're like,

How much do we make?

Okay, how many hours are we going to...

Okay, we can offer you a $1.77 refund.

A $1.77.

No, you keep it.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Good stuff.

All right, so here's this person.

The number you have reached is not in service.

Not in service.

This is a recording.

It's a recording.

Everyone, I ain't going...

It's a good job because it was a recording, isn't it?

Yeah, this is a recording.com.

We could have been here all night talking to him.

Yeah.

hurts hurts the company hurts can you explain to me how i can rent a mid-sized car for 14 days at

350 then eight days later charge 800 for economy class for six days uh that is an incomplete phone

number so i can't call it uh tabitha says running out on sunday nights to grocery shop is totally a

good reason excuse to get starbucks am i right she's a starbucks chick all right um good reason

an excuse. Anyone want to call from

Starbucks? Yeah, I'll call from

Starbucks. Yeah, go, Jack.

You little fucking Starbucks addicts.

I don't think you've done anything yet. I've just been

lurking. Yeah, he occasionally chimes

in on the call. Yeah.

He's like, no, no.

Background's like, that'll be a $14 fee

in the check. No, no, $15.

$15.

Sorry, sir.

Jack's the puppet master in this whole

show today.

There's your show title

Jag the Puppet Master

I'm trying to go

I'll be thinking it out, because tomorrow ain't ever coming.

Hello?

Hey there.

This is Lexi from Starbucks.

How are you doing?

This is who?

Lexi from Starbucks.

This is a...

I'm sorry, I'm going to butcher the name.

Tabitha.

Yes.

Okay, I got it.

Yeah, hi.

This is Lexi from Starbucks.

We have a complaint from one of our sales associates,

one of our social network engineers.

They said that you were slandering us on your Twitter.

They said what?

That you were slandering us on Twitter.

Uh, no.

Yeah, your tweet specifically states,

running out, now this isn't a quote, so don't get offended,

running out on a Sunday night to grocery shop.

I hung up, she hung up.

Oh.

I'm calling back, don't worry, I'm calling back.

You should tell her, like, every day is a good, every time is a good time for Starbucks.

So to imply otherwise, slander.

Yes.

Sorry, I couldn't hear the hang up.

I stayed in character.

It's been kind of low.

Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Tabitha Blue.

Please leave a message.

All right, never mind.

We've got one last number left here.

It's a Comcast complainer who says...

Who complains about, like...

All right, this is stupid.

How come I can watch Doctor Who Season 9, Episode 3 in standard definition

and Season 9, Episode 1 in standard definition,

but Season 9, Episode 2 is only in HD?

First of all, what's the complaint?

What?

why are you who is restricted because i can't i can't i can't watch that in uh hd

you know why is there probably still on a fucking tube tv yeah and so it stretches it so they can't

fucking see everything yeah i don't know you could you could tell her that i'm the doctor

and put me on yeah okay that might work yeah but at the same time uh is he like comic book guy from

in The Simpsons, like,

so he's just got this

attitude about himself.

But, isn't that...

I don't know.

Okay.

Uh, so that'll be the last call

of the night, because that's it for me.

I'm tired, that's the last of Dwight's numbers.

And it's time.

I've been on for, how long now, let's see.

Four hours, eighteen minutes.

Four twenty almost.

Yeah.

So, copy that there.

And, you know, I think I'm gonna buy a Wii

just because this Mario Maker...

I spent all day watching YouTube videos of Mario Maker plays.

I bought a Wii just for that reason.

I'm thinking I'm gonna do the same thing.

Really? Yeah.

It's racist, though.

Because it's only a white hand that they show.

Oh.

That's Mario's glove.

Slaughtered.

But I see people like...

So you can hit a power-up and it changes into, like, Mega Man and shit.

Hi, this is Tom Gaffney, I can't take your call right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll get back to you.

That's what machines say?

Hi, this is what?

Uh, we'll see.

It sounded like he said, hi, this is Comcast.

He's just hearing things.

I think he said just.

Hi, this is Tom Gaffney, I can't take your call right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll get back to you.

It's like, hi, this is Tom, Comcast customer.

Tom the Comcast customer.

all right that's it guys thank you for joining me tonight it's been great yeah thanks for having

me on every single one of you have been super tonight i appreciate it you gotta do the show

reel machine so i can get some calls edited because there's some great ones yeah for sure

i'll get you yeah i'll get it i'll get it over to you and macron are you you're on tomorrow night

possibly or yes you don't know yet uh hopefully yes hopefully me and mistress more gonna do gonna

gonna do some uh plastic bag calls to the uk people yeah because fucking five pence man uh

do i you got any plans for this week show wise um probably saturday um but i do want to put this

out there to show hosts um my show falls on halloween this year i am playing some other

devilish shit so i will not be able to do a show on halloween oh you're doing some of that satanic

So, I'm offering up

the slot

for the 31st.

Maybe we should all do a Halloween special, then.

Yeah.

Hey, Curly, when you disconnect, don't disconnect me.

I want to tell you what I actually have planned for Halloween.

Alright, well, I'll call you back. How's that?

Okay, that's fine.

Conspiracy.

Go to patreon.com slash prankclamation.

Yay, thank you.

I'm going to put my YouTube machine.

YouTube.com forward slash

slash Ron Blackman. It's going to be some good shit, though.

Good. Dwight? YouTube.com

slash Dwight the Janitor.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm on YouTube as

Goddess of the Hobos. I don't have an actual

URL just yet, but look it up.

And JackTV has JackTV?

Yeah, just search JackTV. Add me on Facebook.

Facebook.com slash Lexi. Hey!

Guys! Zach's here! Guys!

Zach's here! Hey, guys!

You're a man! Hey, Zach's! Yay!

We just started. You added?

You guys, you added me. Oh, you had to call Milkman.

I didn't realize you added me until now.

Oh, it's on my over-account.

NC.

But now that I got you, you and Matt move to Tuesdays now, right?

Same time?

Yeah, Tuesdays.

What time?

Tuesdays.

7 p.m. UK time, 1 p.m. Matt time, 2 p.m. East Coast.

Tuesdays.

I don't care about UK time.

Only man you care about.

Yeah, I'm on 8 p.m.

There you go.

I didn't know.

Because I know you guys do the show late, and I held off for you guys because I was

like, yeah, fucking bed boogs.

Bed boogs.

I love Matt's show

because I get out of work now and I get to hear it on the way home

as long as they go

you guys got to go until like 4 Eastern

and I can hear you guys for a while

yeah yeah

we do like 3 hours

I tried to call on Skype

last week and I could hear it ringing

either Matt's or Zach's

Skype on the air

but you guys weren't picking up

I was on my phone

alright see you guys thanks Zach

sorry you got to go

I'll call you yes Dwight

I'll call you

everyone be sure to visit

all those links you heard about before

and I think Morgan

has a Patreon page

I think Dwight might have a Patreon page

yeah get those out there

help out your favorite hosts if you want

you don't necessarily have to help out the PCN one

if you have a favorite host

I will be back on hopefully

God willing next Sunday

you know me I make appearances

it's all week we got shows just about every night of the week here so be tuned be tuned as some of

our old friends used to say back in the pcn days thanks for listening and yeah look out for prank

calls of the week i'm trying to get this regular thing where i make a video of all the just you

know just the really good calls i put them back to back so it comes out to like 15 minutes around

that 10 to 15 depending how long the show went and how good the calls were um i'm just trying to

make that one because i don't want to put the whole shows up on youtube anymore this is a

painting in the ass with the music and all that editing it out but this way it's just a pranks

and that way if you want to hear the show you go to the podcast or the show reel you listen live

if you just want some pranks you go to the youtube i think that works out yeah spread

the word about that all right all right guys i'll see you guys uh next week

Calls (50, 2 h 11 min of 3 h 46 min)

Transcript

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