Dropping Loads

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

This is a event the evening.

Tenants and fans watching over...

This is Brittany speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It was ringing for a long time, so I had to turn on my music.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

Can I make an order?

Yeah.

All right.

Give me just one second here.

All right.

What can I get for you?

Okay.

You had the buffet there, correct?

The salad bar, yes.

Okay.

I'll take one salad buffet to go.

Take it home?

Yeah.

If you were to take home the salad bar, I would only be able to give you a large box,

a small box, and a soup bowl to go.

Well, basically, how does the salad go out there?

Do you have it in trays, in cooler trays?

the salad bar yeah like what is the salad it's um we just get you just get a plate and it's kind of

like buffet yeah yeah exactly so let me think all right so i mean the salad comes in bags it's bags

that you get in back have our boxes it kind of depends on what you get and what so if you were

to order the salad bar i'll take like three bags then i'll take like three bags and do you chop the

onions or the chopped onions come in back also we have chopped onions on the side but is it do

Do they come in bags?

Do you get them from Cisco or on bags?

No, it's...

Are you chopping them there?

How would I explain?

So with that, if you're trying to get the salad bar, I would give you a large box to go.

Yeah, like the box that the salad comes in on.

No, you would go up to the salad bar and get what you want.

Yeah, okay, but you're telling me that you're going to give me the large box of salad.

How many bags come inside the box when you get them?

One box.

Give you a large box.

But the big box.

you said the large the big box that you get from like is it cisco who does your delivery who does

your food i'm asking i need to know it's just one of our cyber phone boxes i don't care about that

i'm asking where your supplier is for salad mix um i'm gonna get a manager on the phone right now

okay give me just dense all right yeah hey lupe that's usually is that like guadalupe

yeah oh guadalupe that's a woman's name i know oh you have you have a girl's name yep oh wow

Wow. Okay. Well, what I'm asking is the salad mix, does it come from Cisco or who do you get it from?

U.S. Foods, Cisco?

No, we get it from Salt Lake.

U.S. Foods. You know U.S. Foods was bought by Cisco, right?

You know U.S. Foods got sold. They got bought by Cisco. Did you know that?

It's the same company now. I know.

Mira. Mira. So how many bags of salad mix come per box that comes from Cisco?

What kind of salad it is?

Well, the kind that you use on the buffet there,

what do you have, some iceberg, spring mix?

What do you use on the buffet?

We have the spring mix, which is case.

Iceberg is 24 headspace.

Okay, so four bags of spring mix per case?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so then I'm making an order for the buffet,

so then I need, yeah, one box.

She said she was going to give me one box of the,

one case, she said, of the spring mix that I came for.

So I'm getting to go one salad bar, and she said that the way that you do it is she takes the large box.

You get one large box, one small box.

Yeah, that's the one.

That's the one, I guess, and the one with the four bags of salad.

So I'll take one of those, and then the onion, does it come chopped in a bag from U.S. Foods, or do you chop them there?

No, no, no.

Okay, so I'll take about one large onion chopped.

No, I need like two.

That's a lot of salad.

No, but she says it's the box, the big box.

So that's the one I'm getting.

No, there's a small to go box.

I need like one medium onion per bag.

So I need about four medium onions chopped then.

Chopped.

I prefer them chopped, not sliced.

The onions, okay.

Is that white onion you get?

Onion?

Well, I'm saying my salad.

I'm getting my all-you-can-eat salad.

No, we'll give you the two-box and you serve yourself.

Okay.

How does the soup come from Cisco, from U.S. Foods?

Does it come in a big can?

No, it's a...

A big block?

All right, so I'll take then...

So it's all-you-can-have soup, right?

If it's to go, you don't do the all-you-can-eat, though.

We sell you one big box, one small box, and one soup-towel box.

Oh, so just one bowl, but I get the one big box of salad mix that comes from U.S. Foods.

Okay.

How much is that?

No, I want the big box with the four bags, because that's what you told me.

Well, I already put the charge through.

I already put it through.

I already authorized the purchase.

I put it through on the machine already.

The credit card machine.

So you can't reverse it.

I'm not going to allow you to reverse it.

No, I signed.

No, you can't reverse it.

I signed.

I have the proof of sale.

That already happened.

I mean, that's already gone through.

Uh-huh.

Just before I called.

But I put it through.

And you said you already placed it and everything?

I already put my charge through on the machine.

No, I'm right here in front of the cashier.

She said, no, you don't put no charge into the machine.

I already put it through the system.

And, sir, I have an authorization code.

Do you want to look it up?

No, I don't.

I have.

I have the receipt.

Do you want to see the receipt then?

Yeah, you can come in.

Okay.

And you can tell when you get here.

Look, here.

Look, listen.

Here.

Yeah.

Right here.

That's it.

that's it right here i'm holding it up to the camera on the phone i have the there can you see

it as a focus no sir we don't have cameras here on our phone so this is just a regular house phone

the one we have in here but uh now we have a viewer a viewer no we don't look see like that

right here it says right here the charge it says one salad to go she said it's one box one big box

no why don't you come in here so we can talk when you get here oh we're not gonna talk if i come

come down there i'm gonna push you me yeah it's not for talking for me to go down there now to

talk to you and talk shit bullshit talking i don't understand what you're saying well you're

is there an english speaker there yes put on someone who speaks english then i guess because

you don't understand i don't get what you're saying sir i'm sorry i know sir that's okay

because i know you don't understand the language it's okay but thank you for trying you can you

put the english american manager on i'm the only manager right now on duty here on duty

Duty?

Mm-hmm.

What do you mean, duty?

Like, I'm the only manager here.

You have to go take a shit or something? Duty?

Oh, my God.

You said duty. I don't understand.

The only manager in charge right now, so...

Charge?

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Well, can you give me the phone number of the manager's house?

Phone number?

No, I can't do that.

I call. I call.

I can have him call you. How's that sound?

No, how about you connect him now on the phone?

I can. I can connect you to him.

if you push the buttons right now i can i can make the call go give me your number

do it now just here i'm gonna go ahead do it do it do it dial dial a number give me your number

so i can have him call you just push the button listen i'm gonna pick it up again when you hear

okay put it in put in the number put in the number stupid he's in charge so this is madhouse

house radio i do prank calls and i broadcast them on the internet i create a podcast out of it

weekly i try to weekly at least that was an example now you get the idea if it's your first

time listening it's your first time tuning in live or listening welcome that's what it's like

you understand now

jesus christ that was sizzler everybody's silver

Lookman's taking a shower

And he's going to call when he's done with his shower

So now I'm going to call back Sizzler

Sizzler already put it through

He's so confused

Yeah, can you put that

What's his name? Martinez? Lopez?

What was his name?

Guadalupe

Yeah, he is not available at this moment

Why?

He asked me to get your number so he can call you

Why?

He's kind of busy at the moment

Okay, I'll hold

I hold.

Okay, I'll hold.

Give me just...

I'm going to put you on hold, okay?

All right, thank you.

I guess we're on hold.

In the meantime, here's Black Bear Diner, I guess.

I don't even know if they're open.

Yeah, they are.

They should be.

Hi, Black Bear Diner.

Yeah, hi.

Yeah, I wanted to make an order, please.

Yeah, okay.

Hi.

Yeah, I was talking to Guadalupe.

Put your number down so we can call you back.

What are you doing?

Who are you?

I'm Brittany.

Oh, what are you...

I'm a cashier.

Oh, you're just a cashier?

Oh, you sound real pretty.

Thank you.

Oh, that's good.

How are you doing?

Good.

Yeah, what are you doing?

Can you touch your elbows behind your back?

Question, can I have you talk to my manager?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I get your number down, please?

No.

No business.

And then talk to Lupe again?

Yes.

Okay.

Are you busy?

Okay.

Are you busy?

Yes, we are busy.

Can I just hold the line and wait?

You might be...

Hello?

Do what now?

You might be waiting for a while.

But I call back later or I just wait now.

No, it was different.

You'll call in 15 minutes.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey, speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm calling to make an order.

One second.

Let me get a waitress for you.

Okay, honey.

Quick.

No.

Wait.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, this is Caitlin.

Can I get you to go order?

Hey, yeah.

I wanted to make an order for one eggs.

Alrighty.

So just one to go?

One eggs, yeah.

For one egg?

One eggs.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay, so...

One order of eggs, not just one egg.

Oh, okay.

I was just trying to understand.

So two eggs?

Just eggs, eggs.

One eggs.

Okay, so an order of two eggs.

How did you want them cooked?

With heat.

Well, okay.

How would you like them prepared?

Scrambled?

Well, you open the shell, you have to break it.

Okay, and then you have a hot...

You need a hot surface lubricated with some type of oil.

Okay, just one moment.

Plant-based, vegetable-based, perhaps.

Hello?

Yeah.

I was making an order, one eggs.

You want one egg?

One eggs.

Okay, and how do you want that one egg cooked?

With heat.

I know that was in my IPL.

Hey, ni hao.

Ni hao.

I'm trying to make an order.

Okay.

One shi shi, shi shu.

Huh?

Shi shu.

Hello?

Yeah, shi shu.

I don't know.

Okay.

Rice, one rice.

Take the rice.

We're going to boil it in water for an extended period of time until the water evaporates mostly.

And it's starchy and bindy, okay?

To that, let's go ahead and add some eggs, cooked with heat, of course.

Let's see, what do you got there?

You got some soy sauce, add some soy sauce, some MSG.

What kind of vegetables do you have in the rice?

Hello? Hello, please?

Yeah, I have a complaint to make.

I got a Whopper, I ordered a Whopper.

I ordered a Whopper, I got home, I opened it up.

First of all, the fries, you got me a medium instead of the large.

Drive-thru.

About 30 minutes ago, maybe?

Now listen, here's the problem.

The bread is molded. Completely molded.

Completely molded over, it's disgusting. It's almost purple, it's so dark.

Yeah, well, not this bread, it's disgusting.

it's it's dark it's so rotten that it's dark i would almost say purple at this point it's

definitely okay yeah can you bring it back in i can i guess yeah but what i'm saying is the bread

was black the only thing i apologize i don't know fucking stupid you fucking idiot i said the

fucking bread was black why don't you fucking get it what's your problem yeah don't you have

do you have the black whopper right now well fuck you then stupid asshole damn hello chinese store

Chinese restaurant.

No Chinese restaurant left.

Hello, Chinese restaurant.

The Chinese restaurant is there still.

Yes, Burger King has a Black McDonald's.

Yep, they have a Black McDonald's burger, everyone.

Be sure to go to Burger King where you get a Black McDonald's burger.

I don't know if it's the Whopper or the QPC with cheese.

I don't know.

Figure it out.

Go over there.

BurgerKing.com.

Place your order.

It'll deliver to your house.

15 minutes, which is free.

Promo code Madhouse.

10% off your first online order at BurgerKing.co.

go i'll go back to the map let's see if i can dig up anything else from this map machine tonight

calling a major city hello chinese chinese is still there stupid chinese you stupid chinese

you not because you're chinese i'm just saying you're stupid and you're chinese it's not an

anti-asian chinese thing anti-sino i guess is that what you say sino sino anti-sino right and

And why is it called Sino?

It's Sino-American relations, right?

That's relations between U.S. and China.

Sino.

I wonder where Sino comes from.

Do they call themselves Sino-ies?

What do Chinese call China?

I know like in Japan, it's Nippon, right?

Japan is called Nippon in Japan.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

Hello?

Motherfucker, you.

Anyway, Chinese is still there.

I think this is going to leave me on hold this whole time.

Maybe I should hang up, right?

Maybe they don't know they haven't hung up yet.

Chinese places usually have a cordless phone.

It's a necessity.

All right, that guy doesn't want to pick back up because he's a motherfucker.

He ain't got time for that shit.

Here's the next number.

This is Sunrise.

The Sunrise Motel.

Ooh, one of those.

Number one.

That milk bencher's taking a long-ass fucking shower.

But I have a theory about that, by the way.

Remind me to tell you after this.

Fuck you, Sunrise Motel.

I already did that.

Fuck you.

Here's the lariat next door.

Looks just as dingy.

and perhaps they'll pick up let's see chinese hello chinese hello i'm on tiny chat it's been a

while i'm on tiny chat tinychat.com slash prank call nation go in there if you're banned from the

irc chat room you can yell stuff at me in there and be rude and nasty and hurt my feelings because

i can't control you in there you have reached the lariat lodge cannot answer the phone at this time

please leave a message after the call no one's answering oh excuse me um let's take a look at

the old swap shop list see what they're up to we got someone who had a huge yard sale on friday let

me see if i can come up with something new for these yard sale ones because my thing is always

i'm going to make you an offer and i always go no i don't want that no and that's it that's all we

got so i'm gonna make a complaint hello yes hi this is grex i'm calling with the city commission

I understand you had a yard sale Friday.

I did.

Okay.

We're going to be coming through tomorrow's Columbus Day, but Tuesday or what time are you available for us to come through to go ahead and collect the taxes on that?

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Do you need to see my tax ID?

I'm registered, apparently.

Yeah, I know.

But we have a problem with people like you having yard sales and not claiming the sales.

So we need to have a detailed itemization of what was sold for how much, what the original price of those items were, and how much sales tax you collected on that.

Okay, well, the sales tax, I claim all of my sales.

That's nice, honey.

And I'm just claiming...

That's nice, honey.

Excuse me?

That's nice, honey.

I can't hear you, son.

I said, that's nice, honey. That's nice, honey.

Okay, you can meet me on a team sport next week.

What time would you like to meet me?

Well, I mean, can I speak to the man in charge in that case?

I'd rather not speak to the secretary.

Goodbye. Have a good night. Bye-bye.

Hello? Don't go, please. It's important.

Whoa, she was all defensive, like, uh-uh.

We got tax ID, tax ID.

All right, we're going to call their second number.

Let's see if this is the man in charge.

Hello?

Yeah, it's hello.

I'm calling from the state commission.

I understand that you had a yard sale this past weekend.

Hello?

Fuck that.

You can't run away from the law.

You can't run away from your taxes.

Maybe she's like, why is the tax man listening to Big Pun?

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been sent.

Okay, we got someone new in town looking for living room furniture.

Can't call anytime.

All right.

Now's anytime.

I'm going to look up this guy's.

He definitely has a different area code than.

Excuse me, the people on this radio station's town.

I know these people.

You guys probably have figured out for the most part where this is.

Just based on the fact that I call them every week around the beginning of the show.

This guy moved pretty far away.

He moved from Ohio.

Ohio.

Down to Tennessee.

Down to where Tuck lives.

Big Tuck.

Tuckermike.com.

There's Milkman.

Finally.

Let me put him on speakerphone.

God damn, did you fall in, man?

Yeah, did you fall in?

Alright, I'm gonna call you now from the...

I'm gonna call you from the computer machine now, alright?

Happy anniversary.

Okay, alright.

Oh, that's good, good, yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, did they have sex today?

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Bye, Seth.

Bye.

All right.

Scratch that dialing.

Let's get Milkman home first.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

You take a shower?

You wet like...

Hey, manito, my brother.

Hey, manito, hey, manito.

Yeah.

Are you wet like semen?

I'm going to give you your melodious terms, my brother.

Thank you so much for inviting me and lying me onto the show today.

You're lucky.

I'm going to have to care about your playing sense.

You're lucky.

You're lucky, you motherfucker, you.

You're lucky.

I know, man.

I'm sorry, dude.

Dude, you know, I've tried to apologize and make up for everything.

You know how it is, man.

I love you, though.

Aw, thanks, man.

Thanks.

Boom.

All right.

Let's get to some more calls.

I was getting ready to call back the Chinese plays that hung up on me after being on hold for a while.

And we're going to call that sizzler.

Who's on board with this?

Just me and you.

Okay, baby.

Just checking, just checking.

I don't know.

I couldn't listen in.

Oh, Jin wanted to say what's up to you and everyone else.

He said he couldn't make it this week, but he will be back with us next weekend.

So he couldn't make it tonight

But he's excited about next week

Oh man

I forgot to dial the 1 man

What's up

Yeah you motherfucker you

That's right

Jenny Pop baby

Ah, here we go with the synergy.

Synergy issues.

Let me fix that right quick.

Hang on, hang on.

I can't do my boy Big Pun like that.

I just talked over his impressive flow on this song.

This is the first Big Pun rap I ever heard when I heard it.

I was like, damn.

Let's go back and listen to that.

Don't talk over it, Milkman.

While I get the call ready here.

Give me a second.

I know these dirty cows get us in if we murder some wop.

Hopping at home with their punishers ready.

Meet me at Beatles with noodles.

We'll do this dude while he's slurping spaghetti.

Everybody gets the fucking floor.

Joey crack, fuck them all.

If they move, noodle, shoot that fucking whore.

Dead in the middle of little, little, little.

Did we know that we riddled some middlemen who didn't do diddly?

Damn.

I mean, did you hear that?

The most, in my opinion, the most underrated rapper of all time in history.

The most underrated is Big Pun.

He does not get the...

Who was that, man?

Big Pun.

big punisher rest in peace big pun he died of being fat listen to this just listen to this

shit right here look this right here just sums up his abilities right here and this is he still

hadn't been big yet this is like his first listen find me a rapper right now who can do that any of

of the big rappers

that are making money right now.

They can do what fucking

Big Punch did right there.

I was here, dude.

It was a pretty good rhyme.

And he was Puerto Rican.

The cadence is very tight.

His timing is very tight.

That's why he sounds so good.

Yeah.

You know, Puerto Ricans,

we don't have much.

We don't have any rappers.

I always say Big Pun.

I mean, that's...

Him right there was enough.

We're good for a few decades

just saying we had Big Pun.

He was Puerto Rican.

Oh, dude, really, man.

He's Puerto Rican.

He was.

He died.

died he god how much did he let me look that i gotta see how much big pun big pun he had lost

100 pounds but still died of a massive heart attack he was really big dude we gotta use him

as a character man for one of our calls since jack masterson's in in semi-retirement like you

know on vacation maybe we could use him damn dude big pun weighed nearly 700 pounds when he died

holy shit since his fame like didn't like really peak out a lot of people didn't realize he passed

He passed away, right?

We could, like, play it off.

No, everyone knows, like, Ponstead.

Are you crazy?

Dude, I never even heard of him.

Come on, man.

This is just an idea.

Don't shoot it down before you give it a chance.

You could, like, play some, like, rap lines, right, in the middle of the call.

Like, yeah, man, this is, like, MC, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

It was an idea.

He had lost 80 pounds when he died.

He had recently enrolled in a weight loss program in North Carolina in which he lost 80 pounds.

He was down to around 620 pounds, but, I mean, he still died, yeah.

Well, he died then with just being, like, morbidly obese.

Yeah, I mean, he suffered a fatal heart attack and respiratory failure while temporarily staying with his family at a Crown Plaza Hotel in White Plains, New York.

His heart gave out.

Oh, dude, no, fuck.

Look, all right, so dude had lost 80 pounds.

His weight at the time of death was 698 pounds.

so this guy was he was almost tipping his skills at 800 fucking pounds man yeah and he waited too

long that's what i was saying he waited too long yeah man but he needed to start earlier dude

because that's a dramatic loss man that's hard on you too if you're not used to losing weight

you know and you've been that big for a while dude that really stresses your system out well

you know what i mean you know what it's like dieting you know yeah well that's seriously

poor i guess we got like one good guy at everything we've had like all right so like

Like, what, we've had Big Pun is the best, like, our best rapper.

Actors, what, we've got Raul Julia.

I think that's all you can claim, our only claim to fame acting-wise, right?

Puerto Rican actors, I think that's the most we get.

Well, Rosie Perez.

Is she Puerto Rican?

She's New Yorican.

Yeah.

But you can say, well, Big Pun was New Yorican, too, so you can say that.

All right, Rosie Perez.

She was a New York Puerto Rican, dude, but she's definitely Puerto Rican.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know, she's, like, born there, but she's got enough color in her.

She qualifies for me, dude.

Dude, she don't taste like white meat.

We got a Puerto Rican astronaut now.

This is about five years ago.

We had our first one finally.

I think that's all we got.

We're old now.

It's like, oh, she looked good for many years, dude.

I don't know what she looks like now.

But, you know, a lot of Latin girls, man, they look good for many, many, many years

past their expiration date.

Sure, yeah.

And then we got one boxer, too.

I guess we've only had, like, one.

But we got Macho Camacho's son.

Felix Tito Trinidad.

And he's good, too, right?

Trinidad.

that but he's retired already he's old uh i mean we've we've had a few good box we've had a few

good boxers but nothing like i mean there's some yeah there's nothing yeah the puerto rican's got

a reputation for being good boxers and hard head man and can take the hits and give them

her son carlito was the boxer and that's how i met you because she was carlito right and you

He reminded me of her, my stepson, the boxer.

The one you molested?

No, I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

That's true.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

You should have seen this guy's arms, man.

He didn't work out, but back out, he fucking did.

He was like solid.

Carlito's a badass, so don't nobody fuck Carlito.

Either one of them.

I'm going to release him out or my stepson.

He'll fuck you up.

Or Al Pacino's character from the movies.

Here's China Noodle.

We're calling him back.

these are the chinese peoples just a moment and i believe that's a remix of the original song

which is deep cover and that was snoop and dre's first song together off the movie of the same

name hello hello hi hello it's me again i was just wondering if i could make an order now i'm

sorry about the confusion before hello very hungry please hungry diabetes hungry sugar low

Hello? Please? Emergency?

Hello? Please?

I'm hungry.

Very hungry. Please?

Um, pfft. Okay. Let's call a different

Chinese person.

Not a very nice restaurant.

Starving people are not even being

acknowledged.

Yeah, man. Come on. I could be...

Top of China buffet restaurant.

Let's order a buffet to go. Let's do it.

Theme of the night so far.

That and collecting taxes on...

I have to adjust the color of the...

I like to make an order.

Hello?

I like to make an order.

For delivery, right?

Yeah, no, for pickup. Is that okay?

Okay, good.

Okay, ready?

Okay, what do you want?

One buffet?

Buffet?

One buffet?

Uh-huh.

One buffet.

To go.

You come in here and pick up.

I'm going to pick up the buffet.

I'm going to take it, yeah, because I want some food.

Yeah, you can come in here and order.

You can come in here and pick out the food.

No, no, no.

One food.

Yeah, I want to make an order.

One food.

One buffet.

One buffet, too much food.

What kind do you want?

I need five boxes of rice.

Okay, one second.

Okay.

Capuchina.

Yeah, I'm making an order to go.

Okay.

One buffet.

One food.

What do you need?

One buffet.

The buffet to go.

One buffet to go.

One buffet to go, you need to come in here and pick up.

Well, no, just put the rice in the box.

I need like five boxes of rice, the steamed rice only, okay?

And then I need, I don't know, do you have like a can of the egg drop soup that I can take

and I can warm it up at home?

Buffet to go is one container.

Then you can take whatever you want.

No, I want five containers of rice.

I want one container full of the, do you have peanut butter?

chicken the chicken mr peanut butter do you do that no no okay uh do you do the um the hot and

spicy the uh the pepper steak yeah the pepper steak yeah one container one container with pepper

steak the what do you have in the buffet you need to come in and take a look okay you tell me now

i say tell me are you okay yes as soon as you tell me what i said i said whatever that we have

Make a little, yeah, tell me everything.

One little bit of everything.

No, we don't have time to do the everything.

Oh, come on.

One table.

Come on, God damn it.

One table to go.

We want one table to go.

Push it by the door.

All right, I'm done with that Chinese place hold.

I'm not going to be paying credit.

What a bitch.

Yeah.

You want one box?

We go broke if you take more than one box.

You have to.

I don't have time.

We need to get out of here free.

So yeah, that's my thing today.

I'm asking for a buffet to go.

One food, please.

One food.

There are a lot of Chinese restaurants in this town.

I'm looking for more.

Here's another buffet.

Look at a large suit.

I'll split it with you, Armando.

Okay?

And we'll use one plate.

Yeah.

One food.

I'll get one chopstick, and you get one chopstick, and then we'll, like, put them together, and then we'll, like, beat each other.

And I gotta get Lonesome Loser back up in this motherfucker.

I know, I miss you, Lonesome Loser. I love you, man.

Won't you suck his dick?

No, bullshit, man. Oh, bitch, y'all. Hi, my brother. Oh, yeah, man.

Would you suck his dick? Would you suck his dick, Milkman?

No, Milkman doesn't want to answer that.

He doesn't want us to know.

hello hello yeah let's make an order yeah you make order uh-huh what kind of order you like

for food yeah okay all right how long for 15 minutes okay and how much you want to order the

food yeah can i make an order we only for not delivery only for you coming to pick up yeah i

know i want to pick up yeah yeah one second give me a second please okay sexy one two please one

Yes, I'm trying to make an order.

What kind of order do you need?

Yeah, one phoo.

Excuse me?

One phoo.

One phoo?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what is this?

Yes, one phoo, please.

One phoo.

Stop the thing here, okay?

Oh, one phoo?

No, one phoo.

What is this?

Okay, well, okay, one buffet.

One buffet.

Yeah, one buffet?

Yeah, one buffet.

One order of buffet.

Oh, you want a buffet to go?

You just come.

You didn't order.

I need five containers of the rice.

i need about uh 10 of the crab legs do you have do you have the chicken that you mix with peanut

butter or no yeah i need one container full of that you just come it's fine no put this together

for me come on i know you want the buffet to go right yeah the whole buffet all the trays and

everything the spoons one table one table the table yeah one table you want a one table okay

Okay, and then I need a bag of the syrup of the Pepsi.

Hello?

Hello, I'd like to make an order.

Yes?

I'm making order.

Making order? You need to come in here.

No, that's not how order works. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I want food.

Yeah, we want it hot.

All right, she's gone.

This is weird tonight, huh?

All right, Milkman, you got your food out.

I'm sorry, dude. I had to be there.

It's so fine. I can't resist.

All right, no, it's okay. I don't care, man.

That's what we do here.

I hope I didn't run out of that one.

No.

I was thinking about the time you made me do that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Was that on air?

I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah, but that wasn't on air, right?

Wasn't that like in a car?

Weren't we just talking on the phone and I had you do that?

Or was it on air?

Yes, I let an order to the drive-thru and I told you I was going to order.

Then you went and got the caloric gas, whatever, and you, like, ran me the ride.

And then you told me, you got to go.

You got to pump some footage.

oh yeah i remember that was on air yeah that was on air yeah but then this one time milkman calls

me and i'm at the drive-thru mcdonald's and he's like order a mcmaster's and i'm like all right

and i said can i i like a mcmaster said they're like what like a mcmaster said she's like hold on

like she's all mad like hold on this is a black lady and another black lady comes off the black

manager lady and she's like what do you want and like mcmaster's like mcmaster no we ain't got no

no we ain't got that i'm like all right all right let me just get a whatever a big mac

and when i got to the window and milkman's cracking up listening to this shit i got him

on my bluetooth you know on the on the car stereo he's cracking up and then at the counter she's

like so so what are you at the window she's like what do you what did you i don't like a

mcmasterson she's like i don't know i never heard of that one i'm like yeah it's like the it's like

the fish and the chicken and the beef all three together and she's like no we don't got that

that's that's that we never heard of that oh man so yeah you did the same thing to me milkman don't

even start with that oh good i wish you recorded that dude that was a good one that was there when

you was in florida right that was in florida no that was up here that was up here okay i can't

remember it's been a while back but me it was me and arty who invented it because we actually went

to we went to wendy's and we're going to order that live on the air remember we drove but the

wendy's was closed yeah and we ended up going to 7-eleven yeah that was a good that was good times

i got you i haven't heard from arty in a while and when this happens i realize and i worry he's

He's wasting all his money again on shit.

I got to call him.

Hello, Chinese duck house.

How can I help you?

Yeah, Chinese fuck house.

Yes.

I'd like to make an order.

Yes.

All right.

I'd like one fuck dinner.

Yeah.

Which one you want?

The, do you have the king fuck?

What?

King fuck.

The king fuck.

No.

No?

What kind of fuck you have?

Roast.

What kind of?

The roast fuck.

Roast up?

Fuck.

Roast fuck.

Okay, yeah.

Roast up dinner.

Roast fuck noodles.

you want the dinner or you want the roasted noodle soup uh both one of both okay one roasted

dinner with fried rice or steamed rice uh with uh fried rice flour soup or hot and sour soup

with coffee egg power soup or hot and sour egg drop soup egg drop soup yeah okay and one

I don't know what his problem is, he's just yelling at me

Oh shit

I don't know why I did that

I still had some room

I still had some room to go with that

I had to be all

And I don't

I don't like it when they call it

Egg flour soup, it's egg drop soup

And I don't like it when they call them

Seafood puffs or crab rangoon

Hello? Yes, I was trying to make that order

I'm sorry, I had a problem with my phone

Okay, yeah

Yeah.

All right.

Ooh.

Okay, I got it for you.

Yeah.

Ooh.

I want to, so you got me for the roast fuck?

I don't have roast fuck.

Fuck.

Roast fuck dinner?

I got roast duck.

Okay, fine.

Whatever you fucking call it, the roast fucking shit.

I want one of those.

Okay.

All right.

And then, okay, and then one chicken?

What chicken?

Chicken.

What kind of chicken?

You cut it in pieces, and you put it in the wok, and you turn on the heat with some oil.

no i'm sorry i can't do your order sorry well come on it's food

they hear my answer come on it's food oh that's what i was gonna say hello

okay there she goes all right i don't know where they're going

all right well let's uh see what's next let me get their menu off of my face

yeah like pranks like that i've done a lot of pranks with arty we're talking about him

did a lot of parents already that never made it on air they weren't even recorded it was just me

and evil already fucking around sometimes me evil already and lonesome loser yeah i've talked about

them at length before but dude i mean i was basically like recovering from pretty major

surgery stuck at home and already just me and already just fucking chilling calling shit was

fun a lot of that those free chat lines the ones that dialer calls a lot or used to call a lot at

We used to call it. Oh my god. He has so much fun the time that already got some girls and nudes

Yeah shit like that

Big pun having sex was a hundred pound house. Oh

That's how he died. It was fucking you guys know that

They say big punk couldn't even tie his own shoe at the end or his other shoe either shoe

Some would say he couldn't tie his shoes probably milkman back everybody stand by

elevator to the top and i get stuck and i call dwight on the other line and he says he's my

brother and i'm stuck i'm on milkman silly monkey won't pick up let me make sure i dialed that

right no i was dialing a different number okay there we go this is milkman i was redialing the

last call i thought that was odd the way it looked so i hope y'all have been having a great weekend

It is Columbus Day, also known as Catholic Day.

Hey, Milkman, you're back.

Ooh.

Apple cheese?

Apple.

Apple honey?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, I didn't turn my cam on.

I had the PCN blank thing.

My bad.

Good thing I don't pay much attention to the video anymore.

Adoralee-si-mo.

Yeah, man.

Anyway, so, hey, let's call a casino.

Let's see what we can do there, huh?

All right.

Bing bong boing.

Hey, do me a number to ask you.

What's that?

Park Manson anything?

Do what?

park man sent any numbers oh yeah and i did call some of those when you were on the line you want

me to call some park man first i can do that let's call yeah whenever you did do what you're

doing you got everything set out just inquiring because you said earlier we needed the numbers

hit man i had to just inquire the park man had sent in something he usually sent in some good

ones yeah there's the numbers hit man and then there's the park man um yeah yeah i do have some

parkman numbers and let me here's a number for uh report how is my driving.com he recommends we and

a guy answer started asking me if the four digit code okay cool all right so this is one of those

numbers that are in the back of trucks they say how's my driving yeah yeah man you know i was

gonna say another thing everybody ought to call this because a lot of them don't ring up care

people think there's really somebody monitoring them there isn't a number yeah that's good yeah

oh hey milkman i i've hang on let me i didn't tell you what my weight loss is at i'm within

five pounds of my uh my original limit my original goal my first goal i should say

i have two yeah i'm within fight let me if i do the math in my head i've lost 40 and i didn't

believe it but i weighed myself three different times at three different places and they all

triangulated 40 just about 40 pounds give or take give or take one or two pounds depending on the

breaks either way it could go and that's all just water weight whether i took a shit stuff like that

what i'm wearing but yeah i'm just around i put it around between anywhere between 38 and 42 pounds

i've lost since since july i think yeah i'm i'm still steadily losing about two pounds a month

two pounds a month two pounds a week right now um and i i'm super happy and i'm just about

You haven't even got to the 90 days mark yet.

No, and I'm just about fitting in my old clothes.

That's what I'm really excited about, like my wardrobe.

Wow, dude.

You're progressing just like I said you would, man, right about the rate I was talking about, man.

Because you're up there, dude.

You're coming off.

I got you to thank, Milkman.

I got Jen Stewart to thank.

He gave me a lot of good information, a lot of good support.

Those two cats, the two of you really helped me out with that.

Thank you, man, Jen.

And I did it without surgery.

I did without any kind of fad dieting.

I didn't do any fad dieting, anything.

Oh, I will take that back, though.

My first month on this, well, I guess diet, if you want to call it that.

I'm not considering it a diet.

I'm just considering it a lifestyle change.

But my first month into this, I did use Ally, also known as Orlistat.

I don't know if you've ever heard of that.

It's an over-the-counter medication that you can take that basically makes it so your small intestine will not soak up,

will not absorb the fat that you eat as easily.

So I think it's about two-thirds of the fat on average

will pass through you instead of being absorbed by your system.

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

It's under a different name.

Ally.

A-L-L-I.

Like Walgreens and all those guys sell it a lot.

It's a really big sale.

Okay, there was another name that came out under it originally.

I can't think of it.

I know what you're talking about, man.

And what it does, it's like it's a plant material.

it's an enzyme

that the fat binds to

and it works

the thing is

you get really oily shits

I only did it for a month

because it's expensive

but if anyone decides

to start a diet

or anything like that

if you take that

they say that you'll lose

an extra

for every two pounds

you lose on your diet

you can expect

to lose another

I wouldn't say

Stay on it for a long time.

And trust me, if you eat something that's fattening,

like if you get on this stuff and you eat fried chicken,

you're going to shit your brains out

because all the fat's going to come right out of you.

There's an easier way to do that, man.

I don't know if I told you or not.

I think I told you.

I was also taking glucomannan.

Glucomannan, it's a plant fiber

that you can take in these pills, these capsules,

and the gel part of the capsule goes away.

it dissolves and you have the the plant fiber and it kind of gels up a little bit in your stomach

and your insides and it makes you feel fuller that actually worked too and that's not too

expensive i just got to the point where i didn't need that anymore the toughest part of a diet for

me every time and everyone from what i understand they say that first month especially that's when

you go through the hunger at least the first two weeks at least the first two weeks if you can

start getting past two weeks you're starting to like you know get to the point where you're able

to deal with this man but you really gotta try it's tough i gotta i gotta customer a minute

before i go man yeah well i was gonna say there's another easy solution too simple like what you're

talking about a lot of people don't understand realize it but if you drink milk either two

percent or whole milk just the milk and fat inside there binds with like fat that's in your diet so

drinking just a little like a cup of milk with your food believe it or not actually helps it

It's a bind to the milk in there, and it doesn't come into your diet.

That's another one milk, actually.

Yeah, actually, true.

I verified that.

It does work.

I didn't do that in my diet.

If you remember, I was taking like three gallons of milk or more a week.

Okay.

Yeah, well, you're the milkman.

Of course you were, dude.

Of course.

Whoa, yeah.

But it really works, though.

It does, man.

It binds to the fat, man.

It works.

That's cool.

Cool, man.

There you go.

Moving right along.

Well, milkman's lost a lot of weight, too.

Since I've met you, milkman, you've lost about 100, haven't you?

At least?

i lost 200 wow that's awesome man man i never had no operations i didn't go to meds either

and yeah and yeah i didn't you know here's what i did and i talked about this around the time i

was a month into it the first thing is get yourself a smartphone app and log everything you eat give

yourself a goal calorie wise daily i did 1600 it was a bit drastic but it's supposed to be look it

it up online there's a certain percentage under whatever your weight is you do the math and that's

how much you need all you need to do is reduce enough calories that you're in a negative at

once you're that don't go crazy exactly man if you if you take in too many calories dude you

got one choice man take in less calories or burn off the ones you took in so if you're not playing

on exercising then you got to reduce your if you're not doing a lot of exercise in your life

on that note milkman and I

I did this this time, and I swear by it.

I'm not saying that I go out, I work out.

I don't go to the gym and work out like a fucking fiend every day.

But I do make an attempt every day to get up in the morning,

or at least after I get home from work, or later in the afternoon if I sleep in that day,

if it's a weekend, I make an attempt to do 30 minutes on my stationary bike.

That's it.

Just 30 minutes.

you can walk you can use a treadmill something just do some activity for at least 30 minutes

um that there is key and i'll tell you what that has done wonders if you're a diabetic and you

don't have it under control just 30 minutes of a you know just some type of cardio work

and i'm not out there like i'm just literally it's a recumbent bike i'm like leaning back like i'm in

a harley as compared to like a regular bike you know i'm leaning back but i you know i before i

i go to work i get up i get up a half hour earlier than i normally would i turn on a podcast on my on

my phone i put in my ear earbuds i listen to either the night before whoever was on pc in the

night before like sometimes i'll hear dwight show or i'll hear jihad show i'll hear that you know

at least 30 minutes the next day and i just just keep biking until 30 minutes are done and i get

off take a shower and go out with my day just that little bit there is enough it boosts your

your metabolism it makes it easier to lose weight and stuff so if you're just a little bit

even walking man i did my remember i started i did mine originally with a little bit of walking

man yeah that's true yeah that's not an option if you take 20 minutes to walk with me especially

if you've got if you've got a large weight gap it's your ideal weight and that's your actual

weight is even like walking for 10 to 20 minutes and if you can't get hurt man just a little bit

just try it every day you'll start to know a little bit more about and before you know it

you'll start getting three packs right exactly yes you're right but yeah just i mean i didn't

have luckily i was lucky that we had a we had this recumbent bike the stationary bike

that we never used okay i mean we use it a few times but we weren't any religious users and no

one here especially me um um but with my broken ankle had an ankle fusion most of you people know

about this i i wasn't able to do any type of exercise for the most part because of the you

know i'm recovering um luckily with the bicycle there's no impact i'm not stepping i'm not running

i'm not walking so it was something i could do while my ankle was still healing up as long as i

you know didn't go too crazy with it it was enough to get a little bit of activity so yeah and like

i'm saying just 30 minutes of working out a little bit and then log your even i don't log my food

anymore i did for about a month i logged everything i and the cool thing with the smart app smartphone

apps with this stuff now you don't have to figure out like if you let's say if i were to go to like

uh chipotle now you know and i got a burrito i wouldn't have to figure out okay i'm gonna log

the burrito shell and the beans and the this and the cheese if i had it you can put in the meal

the whole meal you could put in chipotle carnita burrito with cheese whatever and boom boom boom

boom, boom, boom, boom, it's all there.

You know, you can put in, you know, if you have a frozen pizza,

you can put in frozen Totino's pizza half.

Can you put in Big Mac meal?

Yeah, it's got all the McDonald's, like.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, it's all in there, like, the KFC stuff.

Yeah, like, it's all in there, like, if, you know what I mean.

Oh, that's funny.

But here's the thing, like, you start off the day and, like.

That's so easy.

A couple years ago when I did this, I didn't have that yet, man.

Yeah, and it gives you goals, so, you know, you can have it warn you

if you're starting to reach your end-of-the-day goal, you know.

Mine will warn me when I hit 50%.

If it's lunchtime and I hit 50%, I'm like, all right, cool.

I'm doing good.

If it's lunchtime and I'm a little bit over 50%, I'm like, all right, now I've got to make sure I don't go too crazy.

And, hey, my other great snack food if you're on a diet, pickles.

Go crazy with pickles because they don't really have any negative impact.

They're just cucumbers, for God's sake.

And they're savory.

savory uh so pickles and and also i put sriracha sauce and everything because the heat and peppers

like the capsaicin and stuff like that in your stomach will will tingle you up down there and

it will numb your your stomachs you know your stomach muscles a little bit even if it's just

temporary that also helps out with hunger so all that stuff there don't eat standing up that's

another thing always sit down when you're eating that helps you out with your hunger also and drink

Drink water.

You should always sit down when you poop.

Because if you stand up when you poop, dude, it's an added difficulty factor, man.

Or you get a squatty potty.

You know, they have these squatty stools now you can use when you sit on the toilet.

They just bring your legs up.

Kind of like your Spider-Man sitting on...

You know how Spider-Man sits, you know, where he's like crouching and his legs are up, you know?

Yeah, there you go.

That's actually the best way.

Yeah, well, they say that's the best...

That's how the human body is supposed to poop.

It's like Asian...

No, it's because the colon is lined up, the angle is lined up for a direct X.

If you're actually sitting, it's actually bent a little bit.

That's why sometimes you've got to push or whatever.

And that's where you get constipation issues, hemorrhoids, things of this nature.

Yeah.

Yeah, but yeah, that's why the Asian cultures, that's why they all poop in that position in holes in the ground.

They got their little foot over the whole heel.

That's why those are like that.

Because that's actually the natural position for the body, actually, is to do the full squat.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Hey, prank call time.

Yeah, I'm going on mute.

Good, yeah, you mute because you get us off track, motherfucker, you.

I got a call here.

I got to make a test.

Yeah, you got a call.

I got a call for you.

All right, let's try to call this cat.

I don't know if I ever, yeah, I didn't get a chance to call him before.

This guy is new in town looking for living room furniture, as I said earlier.

Let me adjust my caller ID once again and give him a call.

Oh, look at that.

It's already adjusted.

Splendid.

All right, here we go.

Nick?

Fuck your ugly crackhead back.

Why you reach out?

Why you going to the car?

Why you reachin'?

Why you goin' to the car?

What?

Yo, yo, fuck that.

Oh, no.

Big pun.

You have reached Monty Robert.

If you leave your name and number in a brief message, I'll get...

Why'd I hit your fat ass, man?

Try him again.

I should've hit your fat ass.

How the fuck...

You hit, nigga?

Yeah, I hit you on my leg, man.

I hit you.

Go live?

Be all right.

I'll be all right.

Yo, don't kill me, man.

Come on, man.

Don't kill me.

What the fuck you doin' out here, man?

How you doin', man?

You have reached Monty Robert.

We lost Milkman in the middle of that.

Ain't nobody see shit.

Ain't nobody see shit, right?

This is like an episode of The Wire.

This audio we're listening to.

Okay, so the guy who wants furniture is not answering his phone.

That's unfortunate.

Let me go ahead and call that spa and casino.

Thank you for calling Peppermill Reno, recipient of AAA's Four Diamond Award for Hospitality Excellence.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

The price to pay to make it roll, take control

I make it go, but not enough to blow

J-Yo's, they lost my flow, but hey, yo

I don't trust a soul

Hello?

Thank you for calling the Reno Pepper.

Malice LaVanna speaking.

How may I direct your call?

Hi.

Hello?

Caller?

Yeah, I'm in the...

Hello, caller.

Hi.

Could you possibly get closer to the phone so I can hear you?

Yeah, I'm in the elevator.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and it's not...

I'm stuck in the elevator right now.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

One moment, let me get you down to security and they should be able to help you, okay?

No, I need an elevator.

Yes, I'm going to get you to security so they can assist you with that.

Okay.

Don't you think this is a matter for facilities?

I'm sorry, what was that?

Do you have a facilities department?

Well, security would be who would take care of that for you.

That's why I'm trying to connect you over there.

God damn it.

I'm sorry, just one moment, okay?

All right.

Waiting deluge showers.

Back in the elevator.

Sorry, I'm on security, I just put you in.

Yeah, asshole, I'm stuck in the elevator.

You're stuck in the elevator?

Yeah, you fucking asshole.

Okay, what elevator are you stuck in?

I'm stuck in this motherfucker.

I don't know, how much, what am I going to look at to tell you?

Well, there should be an elevator number on it, and I should be able to help you,

because if you don't tell me that, I can't help you.

Well, I'm actually...

If you don't know which elevator you're stuck in.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, how am I going to, how do I look? Where do I look? Where?

There's a bunch of numbers on here.

Yeah, I'm upset I'm in the stupid elevator.

I'm stuck in this stupid fucking elevator.

Which elevator are you in, sir?

Stupid fucking elevator.

I don't know which one it is.

I can't.

Where am I supposed to tell you what elevator?

I don't know.

The boxy one that goes up and down.

What's on the property were you when you got into the elevator, though?

I was on the bottom floor.

Okay, but were you by the front desk?

Were you in the Tuscany Tower?

I mean...

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

I don't know.

I mean, why can't you guys help me?

I don't understand.

How many elevators do you got?

About 30 of them.

Well, you guys better start looking, because I'm stuck in this motherfucker.

Start looking for you, then.

I'll hold. I'm waiting.

There's actually a river behind this casino called the Carlito River.

That is awesome.

Yeah.

Pop a bottle.

Trying to call Milkman.

Blast of liquid nitrogen.

Semen.

and see if I can get Milkman just to put me on hold

so I don't forget to get him back.

Come on, fucker.

I know you're going to see the call ringing.

Just pick it up, throw me on hold.

You can do it, honey baby.

Hey, it dropped.

Do you want to just put me back on hold?

All right.

Comfort, technology, and amenities

rivals any poker room in the country.

A state-of-the-art fresh air ventilation system...

We'll do more pranks while we wait on this elevator thing to break down.

...self-service soup and beverage station, lounge,

glass-enclosed tournament area, and huge...

Hospital bed for sale.

I got a feeling this is the same hospital bed I've tried to order or talk about before.

In this swap shop zone, they've put this order before where I said,

remember, I wanted the bed to go around like a clown car.

We'll go back to that casino here shortly.

We'll keep checking in.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You have a hospital bed for sale?

Yes, I do.

Okay, did I talk to you maybe a few weeks ago or a few months ago before about a hospital bed?

Have you tried to sell this before on the swap shop?

No, this is the first time I've ever had it on the swap shop.

Oh, good, good.

All right, did someone die on the bed?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's unfortunate.

Was it someone you knew or loved?

It was my husband.

Okay, well, I don't feel bad.

I don't want to take, no, because, you know, I don't want to, it's awkward now, you know?

No.

I'm sorry.

Well, I just, I was needing the money is what I was needing.

That's the reason I'm selling it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your husband passed away.

God bless you, okay?

Thank you.

Okay, bye, honey, baby.

All right, bye-bye.

I can't do that.

Hello?

Security?

Oh, we're still on hold there.

Yeah, I can't do that.

Jesus Christ.

I don't need to.

He's even free to meet you.

Halfway, you need to.

I'm not trying to survive, believe me.

I'll leave you lost, mount you on the cross, rip you like a horse, sacrifice your life

To a higher force

And I'll start the corpse

It's the Bronx, of course

Recognize the accent

One of the last

Living, still in action

Gentlemen, assassins

Catching any rack

Blasting any jack

Smashing any jack

You're someone who has

A two-year-old wood stove?

They sure sell a lot of

Wood stoves in this town

So would you reap a wake up

Shaking up a storm

Like a need to take it

Hello?

Hi, honey

How are you?

I see you have a Wonderland

You have a Wonderland wood stove

You have a wood stove?

Yeah, do you have a wood stove for sale?

Oh, who'd you sell it to?

Oh, yeah, well, can you give me his address and phone number?

Because I want to go kick his ass.

Yeah, he wants to sell it to me now.

He said it's a piece of crap and he wants to sell it.

He said it doesn't work, that it's a piece of crap and he wants to get rid of it.

I didn't.

Oh, well, I'm going to go punch him.

I want to get his information.

Do you know where he lives about?

I'm going to go punch him.

Yeah, I'm going to pull down his pants and his underwear and I'm going to punch him.

Oh, shut up.

Don't talk to me like that.

In the private parts, I'm going to punch him in his private parts.

the lady i called in this town once who called me the devil

you devil shut up devil that's what she said shut up devil job prank hello hi

Hi.

What are you doing?

Uh, because the wood stove that you sold, the...

You better...

Penis, penis, penis.

Hello?

Sir?

The man's sexual organ?

Penis?

You know what that is?

You don't know.

Okay.

Oh, wait.

That was a different number.

That was...

That was a puppy that was lost.

Ah, shit.

Shit, I meant to fuck with him about that.

Or maybe I didn't.

Or I might have redialed.

I don't know.

We'll see.

I don't know.

I think I fucked that up.

I don't know if I called the stove lady back or the lost puppy.

Puppy.

Hello?

Hello, yes.

You lost the puppy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Any update?

No, I haven't.

Okay, well, the puppy is good.

He's fine.

She's doing good.

good where are you this prank or no no i'm just saying the puppy's doing good i'm sure the puppy's

fine um it's in a good place right now even if it passed it's with heaven and god you know

the puppy's okay but by now it's too late you know but i'm just telling you that you know i'm

sure puppy's fine the puppy isn't angry just it you know it's doing good wherever it's at i'm sure

your puppy's fine it's not too cold out yet you know so it's not cold or nothing all right why

are you doing that because i was just concerned because i saw that it had been almost a week now

and i felt bad i just wanted you to know that the puppy is okay well do you have it or have you

given it have you had my puppy no i don't understand why you would do that because i don't

want you to be sad about the puppy i just saw it my heart goes out to you you know because i'm an

animal lover and i'm a christian i just wanted you know you know i'll pray for the puppy

and you know

if

console you

yeah

console you

yeah

we wanted to

console you

and like I said

by now the

puppy

oh

puppy

yeah get a cat

cats don't run away

good point

don't see

get a goldfish

it don't last that long

get a goldfish

feed it to the cat

your call has been

forwarded to an

automatic voice message

system

4

2

3

look man

when the call

there's very few

few runaway goldfish either milkman when the calls end do you hear music or what do you yes

sometimes you leave it on there like long long period of time that's what i have it does beep

at me when i've done that and i'm like oh shit and i come back it's it's got this built-in

notification to me which is great because i don't forget you you know as much yeah i do hear a

ding dong ding like that okay

we're looking for someone who sells cow butter cow milk and cottage cheese i would love to place

an order with you looking for free horses for my kids free horses for your kids

yeah everyone i would love an xbox one you know a playstation 4

give me a call call me here at madhouse radio

888-278-8509

Who do you think has that number now?

We should call the old madhouse line.

The mad line.

Or the prank line.

What did I call?

Hello?

Yeah, you looking for cow's butter?

Who?

You looking for cow milk, cow butter?

Yes.

Okay, I've got some bull butter.

Hey, where are you located at?

I'm in Rogersville.

Okay.

Are you the one that...

I live toward Cherokee High School.

Yep, mm-hmm, that's me, you heard of me.

Also, I'm a sawmill wife.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there a problem?

You usually meet at Creekside, your wife.

Yeah, is there a problem, though? Did I do something?

My husband had bought some cow butter and some cow milk and some cottage cheese off of you guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my mom loves cow butter, and I was just trying to find a number and find out who sold it because she wants cow butter.

Okay, well, what I have right now is bull butter from the bull.

Well, it's the cow butter with bull butter, right?

Well, it's bull, the boy, the boy's butter, the boy cow's butter, you know?

Okay.

Because what you do is you jerk off his sexual organ, and he makes the special butter.

Okay, how much do you sell for that one?

Well, I mean, I'll give you a gallon for $5.

Okay, let me talk to my mom and I'll get back with you tomorrow.

Make sure you tell her that it's the butter from the boy cow.

That it comes from the sexual organ of the boy cow.

The boy cow's sexual organ.

and we masturbate it

and butter comes out

and that's what I'm selling to her.

Do you understand?

Stupid.

I don't know.

She just didn't understand me or what.

God damn.

You had to spell it out to her.

That was just like the Burger King lady earlier.

But then that's because she didn't have the black burger.

Shit, I got to do one of those, though.

Black burger machines.

You are a bull butter.

Let me tell you this.

Bull butter.

I'm your coffee conqueror.

Bull butter.

Wine in the sun.

All right, we're calling a different Burger King now.

Let's see if, hopefully, this one here does indeed have the Black Burger.

We have reached the Sprint voicemail box of...

We're going to downtown Orlando.

I know this Burger King is 24 hours.

They're open until midnight.

Still going to West Colonial.

I've been at this one drunk plenty of nights.

That one's busy.

Okay, whatever.

whatever come on i want to complain about the black burger i've been thinking about it all

fucking week thinking about eating that damn black burger but i'm like that's not worth it

you know if i'm gonna cheat on my diet i'm not gonna make it for a black fucking

and then i saw the review from that guy there's a fast food review dude dame drops i love that

guy i love his fucking vlog is awesome he gave i'm pretty sure he gave it a poor rating it was

It's like, eh, you know?

And I trust it.

He's actually really spot on with his fast food food.

But I've lost 40 pounds.

I digress.

It's got A1 sauce in the bun.

It makes it black.

They bake it with some kind of A1 sauce shit.

It's just colored.

What the hell I'm talking about?

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm going to tell him I got a Whopper and it was rotten and black and I'm upset.

I, oh my God.

Yes, I know Milkman.

Tried to kill him, but they're already out.

They're all rotten.

They sold them out.

Man, fuck Burger King, right?

Is it midnight yet?

No.

No, it's not even close to midnight in Florida.

God damn it.

I know, right?

What an idiot Milkman is.

Here's the one in my old hometown.

I went to this Burger King.

It was actually in this...

This Burger King is in the parking lot of the grocery store I used to work at back in college,

which is actually no longer a grocery store.

Are you at Burger King now?

No, I just...

I went there...

Really?

Friday it was.

I heard it wasn't that good.

I heard the bread was kind of whack, to be honest with you.

And other than the bread, it's just a whopper.

It just has...

Was it the same thing, or could you tell any difference, or what?

The one review I saw on YouTube, the guy said it doesn't taste any different to me.

It just tastes like a Whopper.

The what?

He said the one review, one of the reviews, the guy said that it didn't taste any different to him.

He said no, and then one guy reviewed it and said it doesn't taste different.

The black bun.

Yeah, but it's supposed to have A1 sauce flavor in the black bun, but this guy said he didn't taste it, so I don't know.

Yeah, the figure's just probably...

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I'm upset now that Burger King doesn't answer.

What can I do to get a Burger King answer?

Let's look in Los Angeles, California.

Watch it.

We don't have it here.

What up?

We don't have it here.

They probably already ran out of them too, man.

Yeah, he's like, Mook Man ate them all.

I didn't even get one.

What are you talking about, man?

My birthday is Halloween.

I'm qualified to get one.

I should get one.

Three.

Mook Man ate them all.

That phone is busy.

they should give me one free oh yeah yeah okay okay uh zero a four nine zero a as an abul four

nine two four seven h seven eight y r d dash what type of vehicle in what color seven one four it

was a truck what color white yeah it said mcleod um the guy is an asshole i said i didn't like him

Why not this was he said you guys asked me to call. Well, what are we gonna do about that?

What are we gonna do about it? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about it?

I said, what are we gonna do about it motherfucker? There he goes. Yeah

here's a different

for an organization providing the same type of service.

I just don't like him. He's an asshole.

Thank you for calling M. Barty.

This is four-digit decal or vehicle ID.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, you can.

Can I have that four-digit decal, please?

1-5-5-9.

1-5-5-9. Thank you.

And are you calling to report a complaint, compliment,

or requesting information today?

Complaint?

Sorry?

Complaint.

And did you get any of the numbers from the vehicle, like license plate or vehicle number?

Well, the number I just gave you.

That tag, that was the, that was the, how was my driving decal, correct?

Yeah, yeah, the trucker, he went by, he showed me his penis, so I figured he wasn't a cop,

and I performed oral sex on him, and we had agreed before on the price of $30,

he said just $20, because I used my teeth or something like that, and kicked me out of the truck.

You didn't get any of the information.

What was it?

He said his name was Lysol.

All right, sir.

He was in a Peterbilt.

May I place you on a brief hold, sir?

Okay.

Jag TV bringing up Rick Grimes, Walking Dead, back on the air today.

No spoilers.

Let me tell you guys, listen, and I've talked about this in the past before.

Don't be spoiling me and my shows on Sundays.

Because I get real upset when my shows start, you know, come in, season,

and go on on Sundays, and you guys think it's funny to make up spoilers.

True or false, I've spoiled several movies here,

including the most recent star trek movie and uh the most recent the upcoming star wars movie and

i have a lot more spoilers where that came from about the new star wars movie don't make me ruin

it for everyone don't you be the person you may not care about star wars and the fact is going to

get killed by his uh by his son uh in of it but that doesn't mean that someone else here will not

be upset about that a lot of young people are listening to the show and they're big fans of

sci-fi and star wars mad once because someone made up a very distasteful fake spoiler once that area

stark got raped in that night's episode of game of thrones and i spoiled the ending of star trek

into darkness i told everyone that benedict cumberbatch was con which reminds me last week

show was pretty funny with macron saying he was benedict cumberbatch i can't believe i never

thought about that before god damn it we're gonna take a break after this god damn it

I might warm up a Lean Cuisine.

Lean Cuisine.

Oh, yeah, I was making a complaint.

You said you were going to put me on hold.

You were going to put me on hold for some reason.

I am.

What would the complaint be, sir?

What?

What would the complaint be?

Well, because the trucker went by.

He showed me his penis.

He told me he wasn't a cop.

I said, fine, no problem.

We agreed on $30.

I performed all my sex.

All right, well, I have your phone number now.

So if you call again, we will file a plea.

Shut up.

Thank you very much for calling.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

up shut up and what's up seriously what is up with burger king not answering phones anywhere

in the country what is this so my theories at finn is actually

i think it's it's not the two siblings in the next star wars movie i think it's three i think

think the black stormtrooper guy finn is also a brother of the two twins a half brother i think

he's the reason why han solo and leia split up because han so because leia had an affair on han

solo with with the administrator of cloud city we all know who that was now because i'm not giving

leaving out spoilers, I'm not going to say his name.

And whoever the chief administrator of the facilities at Cloud City is, that guy.

And that would make sense, right?

Because remember when Leia and Han, they ended up in Cloud City,

and this particular person, he was all like,

oh, what's up, girl? What's up?

Oh, yeah, you look good, yeah.

I'm the chief administrator of these facilities.

I do all the dicking around here, he said to Leia.

It was like that, too. I do all the dicking.

You guys know who I'm talking about.

Wears a blue cape and everything.

Gotta watch out for that guy.

Anyway, we're going to take that break.

When we come back, we've got more prank calls.

We've got a lot of numbers from Parkman.

Maybe I'll find a Burger King to answer.

One that has the burger that I'm talking about.

I really don't get it why I can't get one to answer.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Maybe we'll call Guam.

They probably won't have it on the menu in Guam.

They get everything last over there.

They're just watching the last Star Trek movie.

I could spoil it over there for them.

Yeah.

Yeah, but send me your prank requests.

I could do some of those.

Any of the normal staff and members here who's listening,

if you feel prankish in about 10 minutes, hit me up.

After the break, I'll be adding you.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't have anything else to say.

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

There goes Milton.

Yeah.

Then other fools came and benefited.

Believing in the managers, but they were just strangers.

Didn't let us know about the paperwork and changes.

You're listening to Madhouse Live.

On the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

I hope that when you're done, they put your GPS in your box

And a trap door at the bottom.

When you die, you open a trap door at the bottom.

You check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Catch me in the Chevy van 150.

Hey, Dan. I'm back. I'm Khalida.

I host the Madhouse Radio show, Machine.

And I'm here to do prank calls.

Oh, we lost Milkman there in the interim.

So, as always, I'm going to have to try to call him back.

We got numbers coming in from Big Dwight McClanahan, Big Fat Dwight, Heart Attack Dwight.

Man, that's fucked up.

Sorry, man.

That's my friend.

What was that?

Hello?

Please record your message.

When you finish recording, you may hang up or press...

It's so hard to bend over and tie my shoe

When I weigh 800 pounds

Cause I'm a big punk, big fat punk

You could say

It's so hard

Let's see if that bitch wants to be on with me

That Dwight bitch

Bitch

Motherfucker

Hey, let me have an acron

Since he hit me up

I haven't had a heart attack since yesterday

Fuck

Don't say that

it was jack tv jack tv says shit jack hello hey what's up what's going on guys

what's up am i recalling that wrong they were masturbating in here oh fuck yeah

looking for my there we go that's what i was looking for all right what kind of numbers did

you send me them twitter complainers yes you did cool all right those were really fun last week

man i had a lot of fun with some twitter complainers last week that chef guy was hilarious

you know what i'm talking about right the chef machine yeah man i do that's great all right

thanks for chatting in there i appreciate it macron how are you doing tonight you good

yes all good how are you oh i'm good i'm good i'm doing better than you

because i'm i'm just you know i'm selfish that's all fair enough just here looking at the comcast

Comcast, uh, corporate number, you know?

Corporate office, uh, corporate number.

All right, there we go.

Let me adjust that in the color, Ed.

Um, yeah, I don't know what else to talk about.

Do you have any ideas for a Comcast Complainer?

Anything you've come up with?

Other than...

I still love the hold thing.

You know, the hold fail.

Yeah, we've always got great ideas for Comcast Complainers.

It just sort of happens when we get them on the line, you know?

It just kind of develops.

I'm back.

yeah it depends what kind of person it is who's complaining really yeah it really does

you occasionally get those people who just totally fall for it and they're the best

um i just love it when like that there was a lady last week who was so man this is like

fucking god are you kidding me i fucking love those twitter complainer people it's like and

And by the way, I can hear.

Yeah.

So this guy here says, is there an outage in my area, Seattle, I guess.

Your app says there isn't, but no mode of connection.

Begs to differ.

Oh, here we go with the cockiness.

You hear how he said that?

Begs to differ.

You already started with the attitude.

Is that all you want, motherfucker?

All right.

I'll try to open this one up then.

Hi, this is Jeff.

We already know that since you're calling me.

I really wish we could talk right now, but chances are...

Oh, you're a real fucking asshole.

Oh, you already know that since you're calling me.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Jeff.

Oh, cool.

Fucking Mr. Cool Guy over there.

Cool, but I'm sorry.

Hi, this is Jeff.

We already know that since you're calling me.

I really wish we could talk right now.

Oh, he's doing the fuck you love now, dude.

I'm in a work meeting.

He's doing a good part.

And please let me know what your favorite movie is.

I hope it's a good one.

We'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Was that the answering machine?

What's your favorite movie?

Yeah, he said delete that.

When you're finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

My favorite movie is the one I snuck out of your mama's house with her getting fucked by my dad.

Fucking stole mine.

That's my favorite, too.

Oh, shit.

All right.

I seriously was going to say, my favorite is the one that I made with your mother when I fucked her.

That's what my dad did to mine.

Yep.

Your mama's a...

We all know where that was going.

We'll talk about my mama.

Give me just a moment, because I got...

Oh, I screwed something up here.

You all right?

I fucked myself fantasy football this week, Carlito.

I've been having a good season.

I don't know where I'm at tonight.

Stanford got fucking benched at halftime.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Sorry.

And Abdullah, like, thank God they weren't in the same league,

but Abdullah is a running back in the fan league.

Yeah, I wanted to draft him.

And the motherfucker fumbled twice.

They benched him the rest of the game.

Oh, shit.

I was like, you mother fuckers.

I wanted to draft him in both leagues, and I did not get a chance to.

I had him on my short list.

Yeah, well, he fumbled twice.

the second one, Detroit

got back, but the coaches

were like, we've seen enough of that shit, and they put him

on the bench.

Lions

fucking turned it over six times today.

Man, but that's just Lions

football. That's just Detroit football.

They don't turn it over that much.

Did the Tigers do anything this season?

I don't follow baseball.

They sold off everything. They sold

Cespedes, and they

fucking traded Price.

Cespedes?

Are you going to Miami?

No.

Or something.

Someone else.

How was that croak game that was on the other day?

Oh, man, I lost in fantasy football.

I lost to fucking Akers.

I got my ass kicked by Akers.

163 to 138.

That's not cool.

So is Baz not paying attention?

He only scored 40 points this week.

Is he not?

Did he have buys in there?

Probably he's not.

Yeah, I'm going to beat Baz in the Madhouse League

because he had people with buys

and he did not fix them.

So I'm going to beat him like 150 to like 56.

Yeah.

Shit.

Lonesome Loser just scored.

Now Lonesome's beating Legend.

122, 113.

He just scored something pretty big.

I just saw the update flash on here.

Dirty Aaron only has 89,

so I'm guessing he probably did the same thing.

He's in China and shit.

He's probably bought.

He can't get in through the Great Wall.

and he's destroying them by 50 something points almost wow all right well you know we always get

at least two they're like yeah fuck it you know how's that croquet game the last few days oh

croquet is crazy i don't understand i've tried to watch that shit it's like baseball but they

roll the ball and this guy's pitching huh is there what i was just kidding is it really something

that's on tv i will i've tried to watch cricket i think you said croquet that's a racist term you

can't be doing that. Cricket, it's true.

Don't be dissing cricket. Cricket's

great. I don't get it, man. It's

like baseball, but like...

That's one of the baseball failures, like

the people who can't pitch in America.

They go to play cricket and they throw it at

the ground and make it bounce a few times first.

It's just weird. I just saw this dude,

this pitcher, and he's like winding up underarm

and bouncing and jumping.

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

It's like bowling, but baseball,

but horseshoes.

It basically is baseball, but without a circle.

You know, just with a straight line.

Ooh, a straight line.

Yeah, just imagine it like baseball, but instead of running around the whole circle,

you just run up and down in a straight line.

So it's the same thing, but just conserving space.

Yeah, it's pretty much the same, other than that.

Conserving space, because of course, Burton is an island, as we all know,

and space is limited there.

Yeah, well, the balls keep going off the edge, that's the problem.

Ooh, the balls.

What do they go for?

keep falling in the sea that's what it is oh man adjust the rules of cricket play and you know who

else is into those is uh to cricket is them damn indians man oh yeah they uh the apartments here

that i live at we have these tennis uh courts and the indians fucking went out there and played

cricket and destroyed it and there was a special newsletter sent out to everyone via email that

It said, please don't play cricket.

And it's like, who else do you think would play cricket?

It's the freaking Indians here.

They went out there and just hit their mouths on a tennis court.

It's not a clay court.

It's an actual hard court.

And they destroyed it.

It was a few thousand, it said.

So I'm sure someone got yelled at by the leasing office here.

Nice.

But anyway, all right, so we'll do another Comcast one.

So I don't have to change the caller ID if I can find one.

Yes, I can.

Again, this is a person who says they can't stream local channels on any of the Comcast apps.

No, you can't, asshole.

That's the whole point.

All right, can I talk to him?

Because that really pisses me off.

What does he understand?

No.

Yeah, well, it's because it's mobile.

The locals are supposed to be localized to your area.

You can download whatever you've recorded on your DVR, or you can watch your on-demand.

Actually, no, you can't download your – you can, you can.

You can download it first on your home network and watch it on your device wherever you go if you download it first.

but you can't stream it, because fucker, I mean, come on, man.

You know what's fucked up?

I have, shit, what is that?

No, Sling, and I can stream my locals and shit through that.

Yeah, but they're also having a huge lawsuit against them by CBS.

Foxy.

And then we'll see where that ends up.

Because if Dish loses out on that lawsuit, that's like their last card, really,

other than the NFL Sunday ticket.

Please press voicemail if you feel you've reached this number in error, please.

Dish is going to get bought out.

The Directs won't, the Sunday Ticket.

Or is it Direct?

Anyway, but both of those, Dish probably first is going to get bought out.

Direct TV also, they're going to get bought by either one of the mobile carriers

or by Google or Apple or something like that.

And it's just going to be for Spectrum.

That's the only reason they're going to buy them.

What is Direct TV with?

Who did they just link up with?

They, Direct TV with AT&T.

AT&T, yeah.

Yeah, they're getting cozy, but they've been getting cozy for a few years

Because AT&T stores will offer you, like, DirecTV.

They had, like, some kind of weird hybrid partnership already.

So that was bound to happen.

Yeah.

But Dish Network, I think, T-Mobile is always mentioned.

And Google is always mentioned.

And Apple has been mentioned occasionally for buying out that company.

And literally, it's just going to be for the patents and the rights and all that to broadcast.

Yeah, they just want to become a carrier.

That's the quickest way.

Wait, Google especially, because they would love to add IPTV on top of their Google Fiber.

That motherfucker giggling in the back.

Sorry.

I just saw my penis size.

Yeah, hey, this is Rex.

I'm calling regarding the firewood that you got.

You're looking for firewood, is it?

Yeah.

Okay, what kind of firewood did you need, and how much did you need?

Listen, you said call any time in the ad.

I call any time, all right?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's fine.

All right, honey.

I mean, our mold is going to be green.

green okay yeah i got a whole ton of that i've been chopping down every single tree that i can

find on my property yeah i won't bring powder yeah she wants about eight loads oh i can give

her a big load on her face yeah okay yeah how many loads is your your daughter wants how many

loads six eight eight loads yeah how many guys let me see every day week so i'll just i can come

come over once a week and drop my load on her face yeah yeah yeah all right cool that's cool

um i was wondering can i because i've got some friends and maybe we can divide that between three

of my friends me and my three friends we could just come over and i'll drop our loads at the

same time on her face twice okay you know bring my yeah it's called it's bukkake you know bukkake

I don't.

Ukaki?

Yeah.

Yeah, so, like, does she hold two in her each hand and then use her mouth on the other one?

What now?

Does she hold one in each of her hand and then use her mouth on the third one at the same time?

How does she get the loads?

Well, my, uh, and he quit.

I heard about that here in Tennessee.

The cousin does that stuff.

because he would just drop a load well he'd leave me a check he'd leave me a check and when he came

by he just what would he do exactly he would he would like drop a load on her yeah you can drop

one on her now and you can drop three on me three nice and she'll pay for her one oh fuck yeah oh

god that sounds good yeah so i'll drop i'll drop my load on her and then my three buddies here

they'll each drop a load in your face.

I'll handle him, Cross. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Dwight here, he likes to

he gets big loads.

He has big loads. Yeah.

Big, thick, steamy loads. Yeah.

A macron can just kiss each other in the back room.

Yeah. Yeah.

It'd be fine, because like I said,

we live, you know. Do you ever drop

a load on your daughter? Yeah.

Okay. Well, she lives just across the

road, so he just goes across the street, I guess.

Do you just go over there

and tug a load off real quick for her?

in her face yeah paid when you bring a load she just don't want she just don't want like one time

she doesn't she just wants one like once a month she wants us to go down there and drop a load

she'll take two a month how much does she pay per load usually we paid uh 60 last year 60 per load

oh that's not bad that's not bad at all yeah i can do that that's a hot price um does she need

it recorded can we record when we're dropping the load well i know i mean what i'll do is

yeah because we like to go back and relive when we drop the load on her yeah you know just to

because it's you know it's real hot you know it's a real high action fuck yeah i like to put it on

my website sometimes is that okay yeah we put the video on the website it's fine i mean it's fine

all right great okay well did you want to be there you can watch when we drop the load too

if you want you know maybe you can help you can help drop us you can help drop the load you can

help one of us you know you don't have to but if you'd like to help one of us drop our load yeah

be fine all right good like i said now uh call me before you're bringing a load and

completion a lot quicker yeah i like this to me with it i do like to call out and tell you like

hey i just want to let you know i'm coming my load's coming you know okay i'm like it's coming

right now because my load are you ready for it might be like a friday saturday night is that a

problem if it's like you know say it's friday evening and i've just got a big load and you

know i just need to come over there would that be all right that'd be fine i mean her loads a lot

of times i'm at work you know i'm working during the day and i build up a lot of tension and and

you can imagine what it's like so after after say five six o'clock is when i usually want to drop

off that's that's fine that's fine that's fine with either one of us but i mean i'm

where are we where are we going to drop the where i mean do you have like do you have to open up

where we're going to drop the load can you open it up for her yeah all right so yeah so what i'll

do i'll i'll let you know i'm going to let you guys know hey i'm going to be dropping my load

open up open it up you know open up okay you know and i'll be like oh yeah i'm dropping my load

Do the basement doors open quite wide, because I've got quite a wide loader, and so are they quite nice wide doors?

Well, you don't have to back all the way in.

Maybe it would be better suited, sir, if we brought it in the back door.

Yeah, well, when you come, I'll show you. I mean, it's easy to get to.

You're going to show me when I come?

Yeah.

Well, you've got to show me before we come, sir.

Yeah.

Stupid.

i've got i've got quite a heavy loader as well there's no kind of weight limit so anything

around there is that like i can just bring the whole thing yeah yeah all right cool

from rogersville um sir i had a question are you by your computer because we would really like to

show you the load yeah yeah go to your computer i'm going to give you a website so i can show

you a picture of the load okay yeah just let me know when you're there all right you got your

your browser open yeah all right you're gonna go to uh corporate or i'm sorry let me make sure this

is right it's uh helpdeskcorporate.com forward slash load so helpdeskcorporate.com forward slash

load are you putting it in there yeah and just let me know when you're there sir yeah i've been

all over the computer so it slowed down a little bit oh okay and you might want to turn your volume

up um because it's gonna have uh uh instructions to click the picture to enlarge it it's a pretty

big load yeah it is oh

shit.

Oh, that's okay.

Yeah, I've got you here.

All right.

What do you see there?

You see the tree?

Yeah.

Or the lady there?

Yeah, click enter.

Is your computer coming up still, or what's happening?

It's still coming.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I see it's still coming here.

Yeah, it's down a whole lot.

But that's still, I mean, it's a mar.

Okay.

He's not going to do it.

He's full of shit.

Okay.

All right.

All right, sir.

So I'm looking forward to dropping my load on your daughter, you know?

Will she swallow?

Does she swallow the load?

Yeah.

Okay, nice.

Now, is she using any kind of, like, oral contraceptive?

This worries me as well.

If we're going to be dropping a load off there regular, you know.

Yeah, I heard she was a dirty girl.

Yeah.

I don't want to be paying any child support or anything like that.

You get what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

When I put my penis inside your daughter.

Yeah.

How big are your daughter's breasts?

Help desk corporate office.

Do what?

He was about to answer.

Oh, man.

I do want to thank the person.

Where was that call?

Like, what state?

Tennessee.

Yeah, I want to thank the person in Kansas who followed that link we just read out and clicked on it.

No.

Oh, yeah, they found it.

It's because I can see the tag for Slash Lobe.

So I know if they just did it now.

Yeah, don't go to those.

When you hear the show, don't go to those sites, man.

Yeah.

If you're new, I got maybe mentioned at the beginning of the show.

If you hear a link, don't really go to it.

I know you're curious.

Yeah, I mean, if you want to check it.

If you don't care, it's fine.

I've gone just to see what's up, you know?

I mean, if you're curious, that's fine.

Yeah.

That was Firewood,

guy. That was interesting.

I had so many giggles

during that with the whole load thing.

I had that little extra. I'm like,

you sure you can't bring the load in the back door?

I'll ask her.

Yeah, we gotta open up

in the basement.

I'm coming. I'm gonna let you know I'm coming.

I'll show you when you come

or you're going to show me

yeah I'll show you down there

where it is

alright so I think I was trying to call

Comcast let me check the ID

yeah I was trying to call Comcast Complainer

so here's a Comcast Complainer

this is what we were trying to do before I

epically messed up

is this asshole named Brett

fuck Brett

that's the stupidest name ever

that's brett brett he's the one that can't stream

hello hello sir oh he picked oh no shit sorry

he can't spray great and he hears that in the background hello sir hello yes hello is that

brett i'm calling from comcast i'm calling from comcast regarding an issue you're having with

I don't seem to be having an issue.

Well, I was curious if that was an option.

I don't have a DVR, so I guess I'm an X1 user.

You're not an ex, you know, no, because the ex one is the new advanced one.

You can, yeah, with that, yeah, you can't stream local channels over TV, sir.

That's in violation of FCC regulations.

I don't know why you would want us to illegally pirate television for you.

No, no, that's not what I was asking.

I was asking if it was on the app, if I could stream local channels on your app.

No, we cannot illegally stream copyright content to you.

No, sir, we can't do that.

Does that answer your question?

Okay.

All right, so now that you're in violation of your Terms of Service by trying to seek...

Hold on, hold on. How did you get there?

I asked a question. If Time Warner Cable does that.

I'm a new customer to Comcast. I was asking if it was an option.

I'm not violating my service. I haven't tried to do anything.

I asked a question. Why are you getting so aggressive with me at 11 o'clock at night?

Article 51 in the Comcast Terms of Service Charter states specifically issues like this.

regarding customers who are looking for a way to circumvent FCC regulations

in order to stream live events and copyright television broadcasts

without the express written permission of those content providers.

I don't know if you recall that.

That's Section 51.

Thank you.

Now that I know, I will not look into that any further.

I was literally just asking you a question.

Time Warner Cable allowed you to do that on their app,

so I'm just curious as a new customer if that was an option.

Yeah, well, here's the deal, though.

You're in violations of the terms of service now, sir.

So we actually have to terminate your service, unfortunately.

Why? Why do you have to terminate my service?

Well, because we're forced to take situations like this with piracy very seriously, unfortunately.

I haven't pirated anything.

I asked a question.

I didn't do anything.

I asked you a question.

My hands are red.

Do you have a manager that I can speak to?

I do, I do.

Can you give me, let me see if I can get my manager on the line.

That should be Mr. Ron.

Can you give me just a moment?

I'm sure we can get this taken care of.

He has the authority to do that.

Can you just, just a moment, please?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Hi, Ron Blackman.

Yeah, hi, Ron.

Hey, Ron, this is Eddie.

I have Brett on the line.

Right.

Is he live on the line or is he on hold?

No, he's on hold.

He can't hear us.

I have him on hold.

Okay.

I can't hear you.

he has an issue with

he said that he wanted to pirate

CBS, NBC and his local channels

we can't allow that

he was looking for assistance

and I guess he lodged a complaint

because Comcast would not assist him with that

he lodged a complaint

because we wouldn't let him pirate the TV channel

yeah he made a slanderous comment

that is not what I'm asking

bullshit, bullshit

it's another one of those pirate

it's another one of those pirate things

just put on the note

He was a criminal and a pirate.

Hang on, he's gone.

I always love that response.

I can hear you.

No shit.

I was about to transfer.

I re-spread voicemail.

Ah, I seen that.

Fucking Brett.

What?

You should just call and leave him a voicemail.

Tell him your disconnection will occur in the next 15 minutes.

Yeah.

I'm sure that would get him flipping out on Twitter.

We're about to do the transfer shit, dude.

Do we have a link to his Twitter, please?

We do.

Keep an eye on that guy.

When it comes to Twitter complainers, we always have the link.

That's how it all starts.

It starts with the link, really, right?

Yeah, it really does.

I'm trying to add that now.

There you go.

In case Dwight didn't get to it yet.

Oh, sweet.

Let me look at it just in case.

Oh, he already got rid of that.

Oh, yeah, he did.

He already erased it.

He's on to us.

Shit.

Probably doing it right when we're on the phone.

I left a picture of him.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

He's calling himself a brat.

He sounded like some sort of gayeteen.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Refresh his Twitter page.

His main Twitter page?

Yeah, it's gone.

No.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

He erased it.

Wow.

That was right quick.

That's weird.

um he claims to be uh on tv sometimes he's social media educator slash geek

he's like wait wait wait wait man come on he's a co-host of a podcast he's like no

come on he's just trying to bargain with me come on don't you don't have to do that

i won't look into it any further come on man i know i know now i know it's a problem no i won't

do it my jargon was pretty good i think to express written consent

that comes from years of watching nba basketball broadcasts

all right so and boxing they also did that um valerie says that she had an ice caramel or

caramel as jag would say coconut milk macchiato is delicious i don't know i can't back that up

is delish but a bit pricey she's complaining about this the price of an ice caramel may i

speak with this bitch yeah yes of course right uh ice caramel better today i had a cold pretty

Pretty much all week yesterday, it was fucking horrible.

Man, really?

I was doing my show, and I was like, oh, fuck it.

That's unfortunate.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I was coughing my ass off.

Yeah, man.

I don't have a toll-free number for Starbucks.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Look at that.

It's 1-800-STARBUCKS.

Who would have thought?

Let me set that up.

Even though I think it makes it harder.

Do you want to call as...

Are you calling from corporate?

Oh, yeah.

I'll call from corporate.

All right, I guess I'll try the toll-free.

getting a number a call from a toll-free number this time i would be like okay something's up

right right because you're like yeah but she's from hawaii she's not that smart oh yeah just

never mind no but i would pick up because i'm like well even even call even collectors aren't

allowed to call you this way you know i would be thinking i would know something's up all right

anyway so we can stop talking about it now that i fixed the caller id and here we go with big

Big Valor.

Fat Valor.

Representing the 808.

Know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Yeah.

I already played this song, didn't we?

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

Get out of here.

Is my text red in the chat room?

It's just for me.

I see red.

Don't troll.

Hello.

Oh, nice.

I'll leave me a message.

I got a new name I'm going to use for tonight.

A new name?

Yeah.

We'll see if anyone recognizes where it's from.

Is it Dwight McClanahan?

Jim Shorts?

Oh, Jeff Schwartz.

That was awesome.

Fucking bitch.

Yay.

Okay, who's next?

Let me look.

Me.

Yeah.

Sam.

You want Sam?

Sam?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sam says, an hour later, Time Warner support still cannot fix that issue with my account.

Woo-hoo.

All right.

Is that a reason?

No, I can fix it.

Let me get Time Warner's shit here.

You know what's good?

Because I'm thinking sometimes, like, people, if it's their cable company, they'll save it.

They'll call it once and save it as, you know, so they don't have to look it up again.

Right.

You'll probably save it as so it comes up on your ID as your saved contact for Time Warner Cable.

That's what I hope happens.

I don't know why I keep going back to that subject, right, about the caller ID changing.

I think it's just to kill time as I change the ID.

Probably.

Yeah, it does take me some time.

Is this, this song's playing again.

Son of a bitch.

This song's playing again.

Yeah, baby.

It's on the repeats.

Okay.

Sorry for the wait, guys.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Too spooky.

Hello.

Yeah, looking for Sam.

Yeah, this is Vincent Gambini.

I'm calling from Time Warner Cable.

I saw you sent a tweet to us about an issue you were having.

I got tons of issues.

It's 1040 at night, and I finally gave up on issues.

Well, I'd like to help you out.

And if you don't mind, you can call me Vinny if you want to do it on a first-name basis.

What can I help you with, Sam?

It's 1040 at night.

The only people who call me at 1040 at night are my data centers or my network operations people.

Okay, yeah, I'm sorry about that.

but i'm over here uh in seattle uh so we're still a couple hours behind you um i just saw that you

uh you know you were having issues with your account i was having issues with being able to

view on demand my account is in an inconsistent state all right on the on the account itself it

said this was the best time of day to make contact i said that you worked uh early in the morning

and the nighttime would be the best time?

Nighttime being like, you know, 6, 8 or something like that.

Well, they specifically had it marked on here from 10 to midnight.

Now, anyways, back into October, I moved into a brand new house.

Okay.

Y'all, your civil people told me that I would be able to move my,

because all I had was internet at the old place.

Same time I moved, I would be able to upgrade to a bundled package.

Mm-hmm.

VR installed.

and separately have a security system

which would not be installed until the 20th.

Okay.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

Now, what you sent out here to do the installation

was a contractor.

Well, I didn't send them out.

The company did, but continue.

Well, represent the company, so it's you.

Okay.

Just like when my company drops the ball, it's me.

My apologies.

All right.

So you guys sent out a contractor

who doesn't know what an IP address is,

doesn't know what a link light is,

doesn't know what a Mac is

no basic troubleshooting

now to his credit he's a real clear thinker

he's a methodical thinker

and with some training the kid would probably be pretty good

but you guys didn't give him jack for training

other than how to terminate cables

so he just

doesn't have the basic training

to complete the task that he was set

pretty much

so he comes out here he hooks up the DVR

we see TV

we didn't try to download movies or anything

we just saw hey we have a signal

You saw TV.

All right, good.

So we go to trying to get the Ethernet up.

He's trying to install a new modem, not my old modem, but a new modem,

and he can't get a link light.

Right.

Now, I've been doing this for a long time, and if you can't get a link light...

Oh, yeah, you can't get the link light.

Either the Ethernet cable's bad or router or modem.

There's a couple different things.

You can't get the warp and time Warner's misprovision on the back end.

either way you don't start trying to troubleshoot anything else so he calls his tier three and his

tier three keeps trying to tell him that that he needs to get an ip address from my my computer

now i'm on mac your witness and in support tells the contractor well do you have a 169 address and

a pippa address try to tell them you don't have a link light it's not going to work so the the

tech support person won't listen to won't talk to me he's got to talk to the contractor the

The contractor doesn't understand what I'm trying to say.

Well, I mean, they did note in the account the reason that the tech support on the phone with the subcontractor didn't want to talk to you.

They said you were being aggressive and kind of being a fucking asshole, is what the notes say.

I am an asshole whenever I tell you a link light and you start telling me IP address.

And I don't mean to say that I'm calling you that.

I'm just saying that's what the notes were left.

And I am an asshole.

when you start showing technical incompetence

and you've wasted my time

I'm going to be an asshole

because I can't

if I had people perform like Time Warner has people perform

I'd fire them

I'd fire half of your organization if I could

now let me verify the account

because I do see the name Sam

your name is

Sam Douchebag

is that what it is?

French?

oh yes

and can you verify the service address?

584

Okay.

And how long has the issue been occurring?

About three weeks.

Three weeks?

Yeah.

All right.

Let's see here.

By the way, the name is Samuel Douglas Caldwell.

Oh, okay.

So the last name is incorrect.

We don't keep middle names.

Yeah.

So if your people are putting things like douchebag in the notes, you know what I would do?

I'd go and I'd grab people like that.

Any of my people ever treat a customer like that?

I'd take them out to the 16th floor.

Right.

I have HR with the paperwork.

We take them to the elevator.

We fill out the paperwork at the elevator where everyone else can see it.

And then we put them in the elevator without their badge.

And we'll let security escort them from the bottom floor to the garage.

And then we...

I personally, at that point, make sure that they don't have a technology.

Yeah, we don't need your corporate structure there, buddy.

Yeah, I really honestly hate you people.

Don't raise your voice to me, motherfucker.

I just do my job.

You do your job?

I do my job.

Oh, interesting.

interesting yeah if you do the job then why are we getting to this point i don't know you're raising

your tone you're telling me how to do my job if you think you're so smart people are so smart then

why don't you run your own service faggot okay go ahead do it my friend sir hello sir my name is

ron blackman i'm the senior supervisor here and uh i was just listening in on the tail end of that

conversation would you like to explain what you think you're doing speaking to my staff like that

that please you'd like to explain to me why your staff is starting to use profanity towards me

uh sir i've got uh testimony from uh my employee dwight here that you already swore at him several

times during the initial conversation then listen to the rest of the listen to the rest of the call

i don't think i can do that sir i can tell from from your bad attitude and your obligerance that

you obviously have a problem with this i'm going to go ahead and cancel all your services okay

oh four calls trying to get issues resolved and i have yet to get any issue resolved with

Time Warner. Well, I tell you what, sir, I'm going to resolve all of your issues right here

in one go, okay? I'm going to disconnect your service right now. I'm going to put you on a 15-minute

disconnect, okay? There will also be a fee for this.

Will you terminate all of the services? Yeah, I'll terminate absolutely everything

provided you're willing to pay all the disconnection fees, so let me see.

Let's see if... I'll just turn on the dot matrix, see if I can

print out your last bill.

Okay. I'm also going to apply the whiny bitch fee as well. We don't usually do that for men, but you have been, I'll be honest, such a whiny bitch tonight, sir, that we are going to apply the $250 whiny bitch fee.

Why don't you go ahead and mark it up to the $500 whiny bitch fee and add these nuts to that order?

Right, sir. That joke's getting very old now, okay? That was like, you know, Dr. Dre did that in the early 90s. Why don't you get some new material, sir?

But, yeah, I will bump that up to $500.

Okay, please don't send any more tweets over, because you really are an asshole, okay?

I'm not tweeting even more at this point.

Yep, yep, you tweeted about as what?

Let me see here on my system.

You tweeted, I just have to open up the whiny bitch folder just one moment.

Yeah, you tweeted about three hours ago.

Support cannot fix my issues.

Where, where, where?

Was that you?

That was me.

Yep, yep, sounds like you.

Okay, so I think we're all cleared up here.

Your service will be offline in 15 minutes.

We do ask that you return any equipment of ours that you have, or there will be further charges.

Oh, yeah.

Sir, don't get flustered. The phone's already dialed.

Hello?

Flustered?

You sound flustered. You were hitting the buttons there on the telephone.

No, I wasn't.

Hmm. It's not what I heard.

Do you have any more questions, sir? Do you know where to return the equipment?

Why are you calling me at 10.50 at night?

Well, I'm just looking at your notes here, sir.

It says that this is the most convenient time to call.

You will have been asked at some point on a previous call.

No, I've never said that this would be a convenient time.

Well, I'll be honest with you, sir.

Just from speaking to you for a few minutes, it does seem that you are full of shit,

so I am going to go ahead and believe the notes, okay?

Yeah, okay. Cool.

All right. Okay.

So your total is $564.75, and that will appear on your next bill,

but your service will disconnect in around 15 minutes, okay?

Cool.

All right. Do you have anything to say?

Maybe you'd like to apologize to Dwight for your behavior.

If I get him back on the line, do you think you can maybe be a grown-up now

and just say you're sorry for being so childish?

You're a part-time warner, and you really would do something like this

and act like you do tonight on a recorded call?

Well, sir, you're going to find that out when your service disconnects

in around 15 minutes, aren't you?

Best field days this week?

This week is going to be one of my most enjoyed weeks.

Yeah, sir, shut up.

I'm going to go ahead and put Dwight on so you can make the apology, okay?

Oh, this is Dwight.

Dwight, you there, buddy?

Yeah.

This guy wants to apologize for what he said.

Okay, I'll accept apologies if he wants to offer one.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

No more tweets, motherfucker.

You hear me?

You talk to me like that.

No more.

He won't be able to tweet.

He won't have anything.

I'm contacting Twitter.

I'm contacting them.

You're threatening in the tweets, threatening manners.

You'll be disconnected, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, fuck you, sir.

You just keep talking trash.

Where did I threaten in Time Warner?

Let's see.

You told me on this phone, and it's recorded for quality and training purposes.

purposes you told me that our company was ignorant and you were going to make me suck your

dick and that is a threat say that and in fact if this is recorded i would encourage you to contact

law enforcement i would never make a sexual one i'm pretty sure you're not my type i would never

make a sexual threat oh so now you're degrading me you're degrading me i'm not your type i do

agree that your company is incompetent your company is extremely unprofessional

extremely incapable of delivering

service. Sir, are you still bitching

on here? I thought you were going to make an apology

and then shut the fuck up, and yet you're still here

whining like a little girl. Say you're sorry

to Dwight, or else. Apologize

for Time Warner performing in a... No, no,

say I'm sorry I'm such a little bitch,

Dwight. No, I won't

say that. Say it. Goddammit, say it

or I'm increasing the fees

here, the charges. I'm going to add $100

for every minute that goes by that you don't say sorry

to Dwight, okay? That's all you're going to do?

Come on, put up a little bit more.

All right, we're up to 600.

That's all you got.

Mr. Ryan, you can't keep charging him.

Clearly, his phone keeps cutting out.

He's on one of the Obama phones.

He can't afford it anyway.

We might as well just send him to collections.

Yeah, we'll just, yeah, okay.

Have we got anyone?

Can we patch him into collections and they can maybe deal with it?

I think Cross is in collections tonight.

Okay, so you're still there?

Yeah, you guys don't have anyone in collections.

You guys had, you know, you're...

No, I'm going to go ahead and try the collections department right now.

I'm just going to process you as a default account.

Okay, one moment.

Cross, you there?

This is Cross.

Cross, I've got this motherfucker on the line.

He was one of the people on the list of Twitter complainers we've got to do tonight.

He shouldn't be able to hear us right now.

He's on hold.

He's a fucking asshole.

Yeah, he said he hates us.

He's not happy.

He was cussing at Dwight earlier, made Dwight really upset.

set. We applied the

maximum disconnection fee that we could

and he's just basically still

he's berating us. He's being a motherfucker.

What I want to do is I want to skip

the 90 days and just go straight

to the full collections. Oh yeah, fuck

him. Fuck him, yeah. I'm going to put him on post

90 days and this will

retroactively report negative to

the three credit unions.

Great, great. That'll show him.

So it's going to go back three months

so he's going to go into immediate delinquency

with a very immediate hit

on his credit record. Nice.

Do you want to speak to him and just tell him that?

Yeah, I'm going to process it right now while you're

talking to me.

Oh, sweet. Okay, I'm going to get him back in here

so he can hear us, okay? Yeah, yeah.

Thanks. Let me see.

Hello, sir, are you there?

Hello.

Hello, sir.

You had someone to transfer over to me then?

He's on the line right now.

I don't know what he's doing, if he's scared or what.

Hello, sir, this is Cross.

I'm with Debt Collections.

Are you there?

I'm sorry

You're running a scam

We don't want no money from you motherfucker

Why is it always a scam

It's a conspiracy

Sorry about that sugar dick

I was just actually getting really pissed at that guy

Jack so what are you getting at

With your murder mystery

Are you killing one of us in real life

I mean yeah

No

Now Matt isn't in this murder mystery

I didn't see a thing for him.

Yeah, Madison, huh?

I saw him.

The only people who aren't are Baz and Trainwreck

only because I have no idea what they look like.

So what are you doing?

Do we all just have to watch

to see what happens in it?

Pretty much.

It's going to be pretty cool.

On a post-per-post basis?

Yes. It's going to be once a week.

Alright, cool.

I hope everyone is excited.

I'm signed up for it.

Everyone that's on Facebook.

so that's a group then you created a facebook group yes facebook group very nice it's a facebook.com

slash pc and mystery pc and mystery yes okay gotcha taking it out of that right there

to put on my block list no kidding um where are we at with numbers we have more from you dwight we

haven't really gotten that deep into those calls yet let's see what's next jason who says comcast

do you ever get so frustrated

that very little will help

that's where I was today

aww he's in Massachusetts

so now I gotta change the caller ID back to Comcast

what's up to you kid

what's up to you

and I want to also mention

while he's changing the caller ID

youtube.com forward slash dwight the janitor

we are currently at 797 subscribers

trying to get to that thousand mark

yeah wow big thousand i don't even know how ever since i think this last month we've had

uh actually i could tell you exactly we had a big jump in the last month that's good

i think it's the analytics need to load your webcam webcams it is the webcams are funny as

hell man yeah um let's see subscribe we had 191 subscribers in the last month wow yeah i don't

even know how many i have on the two channels i know i'm pretty sure brad has the most out of all

of us oh yeah i'm sure yeah i don't know i don't know where we're at i should check that out i'm

just curious do that now while we do this who's talking to her are you talking to her dwight

the comcast one here sure he he jason jason these who leave your name and number and i'll return

your call i'd have to get him i love you i love the goofy x picture of that sam guy we just talked

I have 1,550.

God damn.

But, yeah, god damn.

I've been on YouTube since 2006, I think.

Oh, wow.

2007, maybe.

That's pretty bad, actually.

You got how many now?

1,550.

On Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse, let me see Madhouse Classic.

Probably about a year.

About a year, and I'm trying to get to 1,000 before the year's out.

I've had mine since 2008, and I think I'm at like 860-something.

Madhouse Classics at $3.91

that's just prank calls

yeah I haven't updated any prank calls

there's just not a lot of stuff that I like

that I've done

there were a few things that were borderline last night

that I might have added

but

hey but I would love to

get with you about editing

I don't know if you want to put it up for me

or help me edit that one

Asian couple

the old ones

at one point she's like I've been looking for this

for 25 minutes i'm scared i don't think i've heard that one yeah yeah i remember trying to

i got into it for a while and i did that one i got this old asian couple looking all over their

house inside outside everywhere oh was it a camera yeah a camera and they finally got a

step ladder to oh yeah you have to send it to me yeah i'll edit it up for you or put it up whatever

and then there's terror babies really funny man yeah you want to send them over to me i'll get

Get them edited up and give you the credit and shit in them.

Terror, baby.

Yeah, the one very good call I had to remove, of course, everybody keeps requesting it goes back up.

The d***ing incident.

Oh, yeah, man.

Still Jason?

Yeah, supposed to be.

Last attempt.

I get messages on the Dwight Facebook and messages in the IRC and all the f***ing time.

Where the f*** did it go?

I even get messages about that call asking me to post it again.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there's people all over the place that are pissed that it's stupid.

delisted.

Look, we got a Time Warner

customer complaining for automated

call saying my service is restored.

Internet's still down and next

evaluative step will not be till

Tuesday PM?

It's not going to be available Tuesday

either.

He's got news for you.

We're really backed up.

We're looking at Halloween before you're getting anyone

out there.

And everyone that loves the

webcam pranks, I'm working on something special

for halloween which is probably why i'm not gonna be doing a show on halloween night i'm super

excited about this plan you gave me a heads up and i think it's a great idea and i'm excited

yeah i'm i'm patrolling i'm making lists i'm putting fucking cameras into time zones so i

can hit them appropriately but dude why don't you try to do that live you should try to do that i

don't know what i could broadcast it with so um i mean i could do team viewer but i don't know how

many it'll fucking let into a team viewer session you know we can get you on youtube shitload of

people watch it you can do a live youtube video and just capture the desktop like you do when you

do the team viewer with all of us i'll help you out with that you can put it on youtube i could

probably do that you'd have to help me yeah i'll show you where you go to do that yeah we'll test

it out all right we got halloween we're gonna do it right yep all right we'll talk about it off

here yep halloween halloween night all right who wants time warner time warner i mean i'll take

take them again i'm i usually like opening it up and is that the milkman i heard no

i heard the milkman rumbling in the back away from the phone right now please leave your message

after the tone and i'll return your call sounds like sloth again it does at the tone please

sloth introduced me to a bunch of songs earlier where they substitute you know like well-known

in songs, and they substitute a bunch of the lyrics

with just the word dick.

It was actually pretty funny.

I was out drinking coffee with my wife, and

he's like, hey, you gotta go open

this up. I'm like, alright. On the phone.

He ended me up on the phone. I'm like, alright.

It's important. I'm like, what is it?

He's like, just play the music. Play it for people

around you. I'm like, no. I don't think

so. Bye. And I logged off of Skype

on my phone. I was like, uh-uh.

No.

I'm not doing that.

Alright, we got a Hertz rental card.

Well, we didn't do the Time Warner.

They didn't pick up.

Oh, okay.

I'll try again.

I thought that was Milkman.

You were trying to connect.

I thought it was just Milkman's voicemail.

No, it was going straight to voicemail.

Maybe they're on the phone.

Let's try it.

We'll give it one more shot.

Hello, this is King.

You're right, Alfred.

That's not even his first name.

So he's just like, this is King.

I got to use King.

This is Cross.

Get it?

All right, so this is Ertz.

Anyone want to talk to Ertz while I get their caller ID set up here?

Yeah, it just says, yeah, Hertz.

That's what Macron would say, Hertz.

Should go look and see what Hertz they were complaining about in the first place.

Let's see, not really happy with my free rental day from Hertz.

Saved 60 euro.

Does Jag want to do it?

Hang on, because they keep skipping over Jag.

No, Dwight can do it.

I'll do one after.

Okay.

Still being charged.

What is he?

Is this an international call?

The person you are calling cannot accept calls at this time.

We're sorry for any inconvenience.

Jesus.

Somebody didn't pay their phone bill.

I guess.

Hurts.

Jessica United wouldn't let me on an earlier flight because I checked my bags.

Ha ha.

Guess which flight they sent my bag on.

That's hilarious.

That sucks.

Fucking slaughtered.

They wouldn't let her on the earlier flight, but they put her bags on the earlier flight.

Oh, shit.

We should just call and laugh at her.

that was too fucking funny

I love it

there we go

we got an ID here

oh shit

oh I can't believe

how fast

uh

Pranksgiving's approaching

damn I know man

it's gonna be on us

we gotta start getting

that schedule going

I don't wanna be down

to the wire

I'm not getting stuck

in that fucking early schedule

again

oh

that's the tough one

I got absolutely fucked

with a uh

I should

it was probably like

a 7 to 10 slot

or something like that

the number you dialed

I was like, oh, I was still fucking partially drunk.

Like, just like, oh, fuck, who am I going to call?

And I started trying to call BTR church shows.

Okay.

Church shows?

Yeah, well, that's all that was on BTR in the morning was fucking church shows.

You weren't getting anything?

Well, I guess.

Well, I just started calling some places.

I forget who.

It might have been Tabachi went to a store for me, and I kept talking about my retarded son named PCN.

I needed the front desk to page him.

because he was in electronics and I was over by

the fitting rooms. It was in a Kmart

and I remember that. I know which Kmart that is.

They eventually fucking did a code

blue looking for the little retarded boy

in Tabachi City to get the fuck out of there.

Hey, here's a

Comcast complainer.

See the resolution of the box

without going into the secret menu? Help.

Thank you. Fucking secret menu.

That thing is bullshit.

Alright, Nashby. I'll add you later.

You too. He did that to me yesterday.

Yeah, stop it, Ashby.

No, no.

Quit trying to touch my no-no square.

It's my job.

Oh, tell me they didn't hear that.

Connecting, starting media.

Dude, you got a lot of background noise tonight, man.

Who?

Oh, Dwight, Dwight.

Sometimes if it's cold enough, I don't need the fan going as high, but it's not as cold out tonight.

Oh, man.

All right, this number doesn't ring or nothing, so fuck.

Being a fatty, I need the air moving.

yeah diabetes

Robert Pepito

it's in Pennsylvania

but fuck it I don't know it's not Robert it's Roberta

oh my bad yeah Roberta

fucking diabetic

retinopathy

it's been an hour same

message help trying to watch a

movie at Comcast help

me was this today tonight

yeah there was a shit ton

of people pissed about

their stuff acting up with The Walking

dead on they were flipping their shit but what they do is they do the walking dead they do the

talking dead and then they fucking repeat the walking dead again i mean come on and it's on

demand even talking that's on demand just chill you gotta wait a few hours oh no mine recorded

and all that shit i made sure mine was recorded that's why i took so long on break because i was

making sure shit was recorded i got that x1 box man it's the shit the new dvr from comcast the

the x-men it's got six tuners in it hello hello uh looking for roberta no everybody calls here

for but it's the wrong number hun oh yeah no i work for comcast and in the social media department

and i saw she had an issue with uh our service bitch i don't know why fucking bitch you don't

know why do you do you know why you're a cunt okay thanks bye you bitch is one i remember that

btr show i forget which one it was but they kept calling us when we were fucking with them

calling us new fags new yeah everyone new fags oh no no it was old fags old fags is what they

kept calling us this next united number unfortunately has an extra digit on it i don't know how to

proceed commercial yeah i don't know that's how this tool kicked it out i didn't really pay

attention it happens it happens it's all right seth the x1 cable box hey i was just talking

about it isn't working right now says it's having trouble can you look into it thanks okay i got an

extra one of those x1 boxes they sent me two i requested one they sent me two i don't know if

i should give it back keep it maybe the tone please leave a message for mailbox number one

two one five three five all right we took that off the air record your message at the tone when

When you are finished recording, press pass.

No.

Here's an Arthur who says, this is the last one of these.

Oh, he's staying in a hotel?

Okay.

Villagent.

Cool.

I really think my favorite prank calling season is starting just, starts with Halloween.

Hello.

Good evening, Villagent.

How can I help you?

Yes, hi, honey.

I'm looking for a guest who's staying there

I need to speak to them

The guest has a father

No, this isn't the village

This isn't the inn

It's the village inn

Is there an Arthur White then there?

No

There's no one there?

You fucking asshole

You know that?

Yep

Neon corrected me about that old fag thing

That was something Gary Brodsky and his fucking co-host would say

I would see them doing that

Yeah, with their whole alpha new thing.

I was like, oh shit, wait a minute.

He's on tonight.

We can call him.

We missed him by 15 minutes.

$15.

Last night?

No, he's on Ustream on Sundays.

Oh, yeah?

We missed him?

Yeah, he's at 11 o'clock.

You think he's on extra hours or something?

Nah.

It's not like BTR.

He only does like an hour when he's on Ustream.

It's not like when he was on BTR.

Shit fucking.

Damn.

All right.

He was excited as fuck to hear from us the last time I called him.

He said, hey, I missed you guys.

Because he wanted me to do the, are you doing that, you son of a bitch?

He's like, ah, I missed hearing that.

Yeah, dude, that guy.

It ended well with him, huh?

Oh, yeah.

No, we made amends with him.

He's all right.

It ended up ending well.

That's good.

I think I'm tapped out on numbers, and I'm tapped out on time.

It's 12.14.

There was a funny hotel, if you were interested, that me and Macron called last night as a

direct dial.

Okay.

Oh, a direct dial hotel?

I shit you not.

We had fucking tons of people calling the front desk and going to the front.

Yeah, we can do that for a little bit.

Number me.

Go ahead.

Mancrin, do you know what the list was?

I could practically get out of the list.

It was a budget suite of America.

Yeah, but I clear my history like every night,

so I don't even have that conf up anymore.

Fuck.

Oh, wait a minute.

I will have the conf up.

Let me see.

Give me like two minutes.

Yeah, it was like a residential thing.

It was an extended living arrangement thing.

Let's see here.

holy shit but we were just going right in a row all the way down the fucking rooms

and we kept calling and saying that someone's pranking us and he's like yeah i got three

other people on the line i'm talking to and they keep sending people down here to the front

oh shit i just saw oh go ahead sorry i just kept telling her like some guy was saying he

was the butthole bandit and he kept calling my room i just saw a car and a hot tub at the same

same time like what the fuck what a car and a hot tub a hot tub like built car built around a hot

tub oh like they wouldn't pit my ride yeah cool would you go down the road while you're in there

yeah hey honey uh my brother lysol my brother lysol is in jail can i get a bail bond using

food currency no um could you hold just a second okay motherfucker yeah i do what the food stands

nails baby all right i just posted it i think i found it oh yeah that's it a second chance hi i'm

sorry i was talking to someone else i would never say that to you ma'am i'm sorry you wanted me to

hold for a minute yes um what jail is your brother in uh he's in the main jail he's in right street

may i have his name please his name is lysol may you spell it l-y-s-o-l like the spray

And his last name?

Black.

Okay.

I mean, Lysol's a...

How long ago was he arrested?

Lysol's a street name, you know?

How long ago was he arrested?

Oh, just a few minutes.

They just picked him up.

Now, he was masturbating a horse.

They arrested him.

I don't know what charge that would be under, you know?

I think it's committing a lewd act on a horse.

And what jail is he in?

In the main one.

What area was he picked up from?

In Atlanta.

Atlanta?

So he may be in Atlanta City Detention?

Yeah, I mean, what do you cover?

Atlanta City Detention and Fulton County Jail.

It wasn't county, it was city, yeah, because the horse was,

it was a horse show that they were having in the city, like different horses,

and he started, I guess, touching and masturbating the horse.

They caught him.

May I have your name?

Yeah.

Okay.

My name is Lemon.

Did you say Lennon?

L-E-M-O-N, Lemon, like the fruit.

And your last name?

Pledge, P-L-E-D-G-E.

And, um...

I'm not making you laugh.

I like making black girls laugh.

I'm not black.

Oh, you have a little color in you, right?

A little, but I'm not black.

What are you, exactly?

You're white, you mix with mulatto?

I mix with a lot.

Do you have any Indian in you, like red bone?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, nice.

But you got pretty eyes, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, the guys say you got pretty eyes.

All right, cool.

What's your best feature, you say?

What would you say is your best feature?

Do you need help with getting a bone?

Yeah, yeah, but what's your best feature?

Tell me, come on.

All of me is my best feature.

All of you?

You got big tits?

Mm-hmm.

You got big titties?

It'd be fucking dying with lemon pledge.

It is a couple ways.

I missed Ernie jerking off that fucking horse,

and then the lemon pledge, yeah.

Ernie and the horse, yep.

One of my first Pranksgivings was the Ernie.

This ain't no home.

Well, it was Thanksgiving.

it wasn't pranksgiving pranksgiving well it wasn't pranksgiving it was just pranksgiving

shows back then you're talking about right yeah it wasn't the marathon no no we weren't

marathoning until the next year i think we went our first marathon was what's this would be the

third year then right yeah yeah cool sick yeah um we got a laundry location in akron ohio they're

open 24 hours a day and uh uh macron dropped that hotel on the main chat here yeah akron's

far enough

he was

dropping

loads

I think

the Tyler

show is

dropping

loads

that was

a lot

of fun

oh yeah

you can

drop your

loads

once in

a while

yeah

I'm having

an issue

with the

laundry

machine

what

I'm having

an issue

with the

laundry

machines

yeah

I wanted

to put

the bowling

ball in

the dryer

that should

have been

a freak

out point

for him

I put the bowling ball in the dryer, and now I'm no-go.

Make it go.

Please, sir, make it go.

Should start doing the heavy Mexican.

No-go.

Yeah, hi.

Can you please make it go?

Make it go.

Hey, I come through, and the bowling, I put the clothes in, and I'm blowing the bowling ball, and no-go no more.

They have a different location here down the way.

This is the main main street. Yeah main street big busy street gay street. Well that won't want to answer

This is again our park man numbers again. So those now we got one last laundromat here

Think I still have an 800 number caller ID that might be part of the problem anyone play the

Star Wars Battlefront beta this weekend. I'm curious to see if it's still on. I mean do they kill it at midnight or 3 a.m?

Um, tonight, anyone knows the exact time?

Because I want, as soon as I'm ending the show, I'm going to end the show now because I want

to get to see if I can play some more of that before they kill the beta here.

So the last day was tomorrow.

I played a lot today.

Um, first half of the day today, I played a few hours.

I really like it.

Were you saying the Battlefield Star Wars?

Yeah, the beta for it.

I played that a little today.

I think it ends later tomorrow.

I don't think it ends that early.

Yeah, they said it ended.

it was tomorrow's well monday's date they said i don't know if it was midnight or like now you

know right so i'm gonna play some of that tomorrow because i got the day off work i wish i did yes

so if you want look for me on uh origin i because you can do um you can do two player um there's a

two-player mission you can play and i think you can do with friends so look for me on there if

you have me on origin ea's origin you know who you are when we play in that when we hang up here i

I want to, have, Jag, did you play the Hoth mission yet?

Have you been playing a lot of that?

That's the one most people are playing.

No, I actually tried the other multiplayer game mode, and then I had to go.

Oh, okay, so you just had the Solace one.

Yeah, just two rounds.

Yeah, the other one is really cool.

It's the ice, you know, the ice battle with the walkers and stuff.

Oh, yeah?

But, I mean, I can see, A, I'm confused because they're, like, one person gets to be Darth Vader,

another person that gets to be luke skywalker in that stage and i want to be darth vader luke

skywalker how do i do that it's fucking cool because they're out there fucking no one can

kill them except for each other and they're all like having these jedi battles and stuff

yeah i'm pretty sure it's random oh man well i want to be a darth vader yeah i'm gonna i'm

checking right now if it's still out yeah good and then the other thing is like i see people

flying around and x-wings and uh and and the speeders snow speeders and supposedly they're

piloting those big walkers and i want to do that too you know i um i just got a notification

this motherfucker named jag tv just came online on xbox yeah there you go let's check you actually

can't pirate the ate ats you can't so they go by themselves but you can shoot things out of them

you can shoot things out of them okay shoot you can go in the guns but you can't control it oh

well yeah but okay that's cool though they can man the guns that's cool that's cool yeah i wouldn't

of want to have to

control that because

people be like you

fucking suck and it's

too slow for that

anyway um yeah but i

like to like loiter

behind it and i grab

the cannons that are

behind it and well you

don't know what i'm

talking about maybe if

you play this later i

get behind it and then

when the y-wings hit it

and expose it then i

blast the shit out of

it and i blew up one of

them and i got a whole

bunch of points that's

really cool i think i

gotta live i gotta kill

this it's good good

all right we gotta end

the show all right i

want to thank uh

macron dwight and

jag for helping me out

tonight's show. You guys

stay beautiful. Thanks for sending in numbers, Dwight,

as well. Yeah, you're welcome.

You sent me that shit you wanted. There's a hotel.

There's a hotel. You said a hotel. Alright, I'll do the stupid

hotel. I mean,

it's not on anymore. Let's keep doing the show.

Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. Alright, they

killed it. That sucks. Alright, we'll have to do a show

then. I cannot screw this

up. I know who you is. I know what

you do. I'm gonna kill you.

And we didn't have

a Dr. Seuss rhyme tonight, huh?

You've ruined my flight

And now you've ruined my night

Thank you for choosing Budget Suites of America

Where we offer quality suites

At a budget price

We are located at the corner of Highway

This is 1225

I meant to go to the third floor

Or second floor

Thank you for choosing Budget Suites of America

Please enter the extension number

please enter your private password number now thank you for choosing budget

hold this is 2033 yeah this is pretty fun i'm on the hot thing right now i'm sorry

thank you for choosing budget please hold i will say i was an early adopter and very

disappointed in ea with titanfall but they took the best parts of titan's titanfall style of play

and added it to these multiplayer missions.

Yes, I agree with you on that.

Thank you for choosing Budget Suites of America,

where we offer quality...

Wasn't it 2032 with the lady, the pastor and stuff, Macron?

Um, I can probably find out the funny...

I'm pretty sure it's 2032 was the pastor and the wife.

2033 was the crazy guys.

Hello?

Oh, you didn't hear that right.

We were just shit-talking one of the other guests.

You didn't hear that though, right?

Hello?

That's the pastor and the wife.

We accused them yesterday, Carlito, of inviting men inside to have sex

because they were running a fundraiser trying to raise money for the church.

It was called Handjobs for Jesus.

So they're a pastor and they live in the motel?

It's like a residential hotel type thing, extended stay type of situation.

situation we kept accusing a bunch of people of doing that fundraiser hand jobs for jesus

yeah all right we got one of those now i'm gonna go play the game because now even jack jack look

for me i'm actually if you're gonna look for me in origin i've my name on there is carlitus like

it is in a chat room c-a-r-l-i-t-u-s dash x but dash is in a hyphen so carlitus dash x

tell jack to plug the murder mystery by the way yeah there you go yeah the murder mystery jack

Jack, what's up?

Yeah, well, he already plugged it earlier, I guess.

He's busy now.

He's killing me.

Fuck you, Jack.

What happened?

What?

Plugged the murder mystery.

What's the link?

Oh, I just got back up.

Yeah.

What, the murder mystery?

Oh, it's caught off guard.

All right, hold on.

Facebook.com forward slash PCN mystery, is it?

Or something like that?

Yes.

I'll post it in the chat in a hot minute.

But, I don't know, it's just a little corny murder mystery thing

that I thought of with little characters of all the hosts.

One of the hosts is a murderer, and you'll just have to watch to find out who survives and who doesn't.

And your YouTube channel is JackTV.

Yes.

All right.

Dwight, you're Dwight of the Future.

Yeah, youtube.com forward slash Dwight the Janitor.

We're trying to get to that 1,000 subs mark.

We're at 797 right now.

Are you going to take off your shirt?

Oh, shit, I earned money.

Oh, fuck, when did I do that?

Will you take off your shirt on YouTube if you hit 1,000?

Probably, but I'm going to wear a mask.

I'll, you know, look at it.

Oh, I just, I earned money from my videos.

Hey, you want to guess at how much?

$15.

Two cents.

Yeah, there you go.

Two cents.

I got, um, oh, wait a minute.

And it's not from where you.

You can get some bazooka Joe gun.

Well, the funny thing is it's not from the videos you would think it came from.

Okay.

Um, it came from the, um, the for rent people.

Um, basically if I remember this one, right.

Uh, shit.

I can't remember the video.

but then there's a webcam prank

of you don't listen

it only has

you don't have very many views

I don't know how

the fuck that works

but yes, two cents

Dwight has made two cents from his pranks

that's good, see there you go

man, things are looking up already

it's getting there, if I start growing

maybe I can make four cents

grow some potatoes and the shit in the dirt

you know

it's more than a 50 cent rate from entertainment

this year right yeah that's right yeah think about that yeah you got the plug anything you're

doing a show tomorrow yeah you're talking to macron not me right yeah macron oh sorry me um

yeah um probably most probably yes oh good good very good good for you and you get the mistress

morgan in there too yeah your mac hopefully youtube youtube.com forward slash one black

I like how we're all at the Wu-Tang Clan

and we have our secret names.

I have Kross, Ken has Dwight,

Jag has, I forget who he has.

Jag is Dwight.

Macron has Ron Blackman.

Alright, so I'm out of here.

Bye, guys. See you later.

I want to say a special thanks to Milkman's.

Milkman's was on earlier tonight.

He ended up falling down.

He hurt his knee again.

Luckily, we're getting back the results right now

from the x-ray no fracture that's good he might have a case of water on the knee here but they

were prescribing an anti-inflammatory to him as a precaution i think milkman's gonna pull through

so good yeah let's hear for that and i will be back next week and be sure to go to my youtube

madhouse radio youtube.com slash madhouse radio where all of tonight's pranks will be available

available in one video back to back to back that's my new feature called prank calls of the

week so if you don't necessarily want to sit for the whole show but just want to get the pranks

that we did um do that thank me later all right see you guys bye

Roll a Philly ingot.

Roll a Ziggy ingot.

Calls (32, 1 h 43 min of 3 h 6 min)

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