Fuzzy Marketing

So, did you ever roll condoms on either end and go ass-to-ass with your best friend, girl?

You're a fucking asshole.

You know what?

Go grow up, you dick.

No, I want to turn your brown out blue.

No, but you said, what?

No, I heard you on the other line, Eddie.

Heard you on the other line.

And I'll be getting to you.

Oh, my God.

I can guarantee you, Eddie, you will be, if somebody is to you.

I have no fucking game, dude.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to party.

out of your crazy mind you ain't getting no goddamn dollars i'll fuck you all my life long

you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

evening everybody i'm carlito i'm the host of madhouse radio and this is a show that we do

where we prank call people and talk about it and laugh and we get big egos and we're like

Like, oh, et cetera.

With me here tonight is Milkman.

Milkman.

Me, Sway.

General Issa the Mac.

How you doing, my brother?

Oh, horrible.

Thanks.

Thanks for bringing that up.

Thank you for joining us, man.

You're one of us.

We welcome you.

And Macron is here.

No, Jim Stewart is here.

Hello.

How are you?

Good.

Right?

You know what I mean?

I know what I mean.

How you been, Jim?

I've been good, man.

How have you been?

Oh.

Is that it?

Yeah?

Good.

Very, very good.

Good.

Right now, I'm not good because the keyboard isn't working on the other laptop.

I have to fix that.

I was going to try to shoot off a prank call real quick, but we'll have to wait.

No.

Anyway, so in the meantime, while I get that done, everyone can make sure that they're

over at madhouselife.com or prankcallnation.com, either or.

That's where you can get through to where the chat room is.

So if you're listening live

And want to join the chat room

To be just a little bit

That much more interactive with us

You can do that

I'm also on Tiny Chat

With the stupid video going on

Let me make sure I turn that on

Make sure I'm recording everything

I'm recording it all

So that's tinychat.com

Slash prank call nation

Yeah, tinychat.com

Slash prank call nation

Milkman

Yes sir

We want to make sure that everyone knows

and milkman's birthdays on halloween of course so go ahead and look them up that way now you have

more information on how to get his information um is that what you just is that what you wanted

me to talk no i'm kidding um uh we're gonna have a milkman birthday show on saturday the 31st

halloween jen's gonna be there he's gonna make it he's got it i'm gonna be there he has it on

his calendar machine yeah on my to-do list yes on your action item list milkman what kind of music

do you want do you want calypso music or that shit you played at the start was amazing man just

by the way just randomly put that in yeah what did i play at the beginning i don't remember i

don't know but it was really good for some kind of rap music oh nice and smooth yeah yeah that's

that's an old song that was good that's a good that's a good that's a goodie because they remixed

it from fast car you know yeah like an 80s track yeah yeah and then didn't didn't um wasn't isn't

there's some black lady named something chatman tracy chapman didn't she do a song with yeah yeah

that's what it's called fast car tracy chapman fast car but who came for i see here's why i got

confused with history because when i heard that song originally i could swear that that song that

i just played sometimes i rhyme slow but nice and smooth i could swear that that came out

before the tracy chapman song to me i think i remember the tracy chapman song getting big after

after that, but it makes no sense

because I really don't think Tracy

Chapman, unless it came from

another song, like if both of them are

sampling a song.

I should look into that. It's a little

confusing to me.

She did that one, My Car, or something

like that. I remember that one.

It's My Car Machine.

My Car Machine. Driving in my car,

yeah. But she actually did a pretty good blues one

after that. Yeah.

She's actually a pretty good

blueser. I was surprised she developed.

Oh my, I'm sorry, but the number you've reached...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Zero. Operator. And ask for it, the Armonito.

Anyway, that was supposed to be the faux country, but they didn't pick up, unfortunately.

Let's call the Mexican restaurant next door to them.

That sucks, I really want to talk to faux country.

We got some numbers here from Parkman, Milkman's newest favorite source.

Yeah, Parkman. Hey, Armonito, I gotta make a call for a second here.

so like call me back in about nope nope nope nope nope call me in five minutes dude because

i'm gonna lose this call man okay all right sorry bye hello is this lost gallows tech area

why can you speak louder yes oh good good so uh hey do you know full country do we know what

full country full country next door are they open i'm not sure let me ask okay

But why is the phone not working?

I don't know.

Let me speak to the manager then.

I don't know.

This is a Mexican restaurant.

Yeah, I don't know.

You're in the same building, so let me speak to your manager.

He's not here right now.

Oh, who's in charge?

There's nobody right now.

There's nobody in charge?

Mm-mm.

It's just, what, a bunch of Mexican people just doing shit?

I don't know.

There's nobody there.

I think she meant as in, like, no, no one's working.

Yeah, they're all busy.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

All right, this is McDonald's.

It's also in the same building.

I'm going to complain to them that the phone number for Folk Country number two does not work.

I didn't notice there was a two at the end of that until just now when I looked at it again.

That's how bad my eyes are.

That sounds pretty bad.

I know.

I don't have any friends.

Remind me to call Milkman back in like 3.62 minutes.

6-2, right?

Yep.

Hey, woman, how are you?

I'm doing really bad.

I'm not doing good at all.

I've been sick.

I got the flu shot, and I don't know if maybe that just threw my system in an overload.

Could have.

I had a really big bowel movement this morning, but I've been fine since then,

and I could have sworn I broke a fever last night.

But it could have just been my blood pressure was high, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, how are you doing?

I'm good.

How's your health?

Okay, good.

Do you know the faux country that's on your same building there?

The what?

The faux country is the Vietnamese restaurant that's on your same building.

Yeah.

It's like two or three doors down.

Yeah.

Why aren't they picking up the phone?

I have no idea.

All right, so go ahead and take a message for me then.

I don't go down there.

Well, you're in the same building.

You can just transfer the call.

I can't transfer nothing.

Have a good day.

Don't you have a messaging system you can send them to open a ticket and send it to them?

Open a ticket.

Hang on, I'm going to call back and tell everyone to open a ticket.

McDonald's.

Yeah, I need you to open a trouble ticket, please.

Pardon?

I need you to open a trouble ticket.

This is McDonald's.

Yeah, I need you to enter a trouble ticket in the McDonald's system for me, please.

We don't have such a thing.

Who's your facilities contact?

You're going to have to call back during the day and talk to the main manager.

I represent the union, and we're going to unionize this McDonald's unless you get someone to talk to me right now.

Check it out.

Like I said, you can call back during the day and call the main boss.

if you give me someone now

because we're going to start a union tonight.

We're voting tonight.

We're all here right now.

Call the main office.

We're all right here right now.

We're voting tonight to unionize.

Have a good evening.

All right, it's on you.

Yeah, fuck yeah, unionizing.

Which reminds me, that was my idea for the night.

I wanted to call Wal-Mart's.

You think it's time to call Milkman yet?

Probably, yeah, 6-2, I don't know.

Has it been .62 yet?

I think so, the .62, yeah, maybe.

All right, let's try.

So I want to call Walmart and say that we're going to unionize tonight.

Because they're supposed to report these things immediately to a crash team

that will fly out from their headquarters in Arkansas

and set up shop to bust the union.

So what do you got over there, a Tesco?

Yeah, well, I tend to get a Waitrose.

All right, you're a hipster, I get it.

But I'm asking, what do those stupid people go to?

Tesco?

go uh asda asda is actually walmart so okay well there you go all right so as the event um well

you motherfuckers have unions there though like a lot of unions right yeah well they do on the on

the tubes yeah especially you know because you know about the strikes on the on the london

underground so right yeah they fucking stupid really stupid yeah they care they earn more than

Even most soldiers, most police officers, fire people, they get less money.

So all these people that I just mentioned get less money than the tube drivers.

And the tube drivers strike because they want more money.

It's just sick.

It's a sickness.

I don't understand.

Mike, here's from Walmart.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

We need to talk to someone because we're going to unionize tonight.

We're holding a vote right now.

Excuse me?

We're going to hold a vote right now, and I represent the workers at this location.

At the Walmart?

Hold on.

Okay.

Can I get you some really good music?

Thanks, man.

I put a lot of thought into this all week.

I keep post-it notes in my car and in my wallet.

I do, and I always have a pen.

And I hear a song or one comes in my head, and I write it down immediately.

That's pretty awesome.

At the town, please record your message.

When you finish recording...

No milk, man.

I don't know what man I want.

Like, it's Walmart.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm waiting because we're going to hold a union vote.

What the fuck?

She's not buying it.

All right, fine.

She's not happy about that.

Oh, shit.

All right, here's a different Walmart.

They should pick up their items.

Yeah, I mean, at this time.

They'll be counting down drawers and shit like that.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Amherst Walmart.

Hi, I represent the...

Hello?

Oh, I'm still on mute.

I'm still on mute.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Yes.

Hi, I'm sorry.

It's because there's several of us here.

I represent the workers at this Walmart.

We all met together.

We're watching football, and we decided we were going to hold a vote to unionize or not.

And some of the members here have some reservations,

and they say that we should at least consult with whoever is the manager there

before we hold this vote in just a few minutes.

Let me get you a manager

Hurry up because we're going to vote

God damn it

I forgot about that mute

Alright now

Now we wait

I'm going to track down a manager

They're probably going through their

Their union procedure manual right now

We got a

We got a unionization call

Peeling up the jets right now

Where are they?

They're in Bentonville

Bentonville I think it is

alright

I'm gonna just keep connecting them here

you know cause I just remember there's a

great show and I listened to it this week

a show that I did with

Ted, Ted Webb

and it was just me and him

and all we did was do conferences

the whole like we kept

calling Walmart

a bunch of Walmarts and holding like

fake corporate conference calls at

2 in the morning and shit like that

about hiring illegal immigrants

thank you for calling walmart general shit like that

did you ever connect them to each other yeah yeah we had like four or five walmart electronics

departments at once and then we did it with mcdonald's too and this one girl was like oh my

god is this really a joke i have so much stuff i'm supposed to be doing right now i hate you guys

she was laughing but like seriously like stressed out we had wasted her night

because i think she was the first one we called and she held it the whole time

and it's and it's ted saying that there was a sale on they're gonna have a veggie only big

mac and he went something like that and he wanted them to throw lettuce all over the place like

decorations this one mixing it was like aha okay okay yeah we do that okay and he had them lower

Lower the price of something.

I think it was the McNuggets or something.

He lowered...

Like, okay, yeah, we'll lower it.

We'll lower it.

Okay.

I think this is called the conference special.

We found the episode.

Oh, you did?

Yes.

How would you call it?

You're calling a...

I'm trying to call Walmart's.

Okay, but the glory hole is at 530, right?

Hang on.

That's a turnover alert.

Let's see what we can find.

McDonald's one's real funny.

Milk, man.

Electronics.

Hello?

Yes?

Electronics?

Yes, electronics.

Okay, yes.

I represent the Walmart workers, and we're all meeting right here right now,

and we're about to hold a vote on unionizing.

And we, some of the members here, felt it was, you know,

the right thing to do was to call and speak to whoever the manager is right now

and let you guys get a heads up before we hold this unionization vote.

And you should guess you're probably going to start your lawyer procedures or whatever.

But we're unionizing.

We have a majority, and we're unionizing tonight.

He's so scared.

Oh, my God.

He's like, I don't want to be involved.

This is the McDonald's one.

Oh, maybe you need to speak with the store manager.

Let me see what the...

Let me get to that.

Hold on, please.

Only one...

So there you go.

I guess that was part of it, I guess, salads.

Boy, that sure worked out great.

Great. What's a good Union town here?

I'm not going to take it seriously there.

All right, here we go.

Fucking Union.

I want to get a good response.

Thank you for calling Walmart. How can I help you?

Yes, hi. I represent the workers of this store.

And we have a majority here right now at this location.

and we're going to unionize we're about to hold a vote we wanted to give a proper heads up per

union procedures to the management before we hold the vote in order for it to be valid we have to do

that hello hello i don't know if we're on hold or not i'll keep it going there and i'll call another

one i guess in the meantime i mean what are they supposed to do in this i don't know i would think

I don't think they have to, like, take it seriously and involve a manager.

Walmart associate speaking.

Hello?

Oh, see, I can't do the mute thing.

If I'm going to do the mute, I have to keep my mouse in the window because it takes me too long to triangulate over there.

I don't think it has a hotkey either.

He's watching Walmart.

Am I due to call?

Yeah, hi.

We're going to hold a unionization vote here in about five minutes.

All right.

Hello?

Good evening, this is Walmart Electronics. Can I help you?

Yeah, hi. We're about to hold a unionization vote here in about five minutes, and we have a majority.

Hello? Do you understand?

About that. Who do you need to speak to?

Is there someone in particular you need to speak to about that? This is the Electronics Department.

Well, we are trying to get control through the Electronics Department first.

We figure if we come through there and set up shop starting in the Electronics Department,

then we can set a head end from there, and we can also bring logistics through there.

and start our campaign towards the front end.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

So we'd like to see what kind of resources we can mine in that area also, you know?

Do you have any – is there any Vespene gas?

Not that I'm aware of.

What about minerals?

From a business standpoint, like, did you know the price or something or whatever?

Yeah, well, we're starting a union.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, I wouldn't know anything about that, sir.

Shit.

All right.

Um, damn.

Uh, can you transfer me through?

Do you think there's anyone in the deli right now?

Uh, I can try at one moment.

All right.

Engage.

Thank you.

We'll wait there, and let's call someone else.

It keeps going to electronics by default.

What's up with that, right?

I wonder what strategy that is that they have where they do that.

Um, okay, here's another Walmart.

I'm going to quickly get bored of this unless we get something good.

Okay.

That was okay, that last one.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Check the meeting in the front.

Walmart, this is Electronics. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi, Electronics.

I represent the workers of this Walmart location,

and we're going to hold a unionization vote here in about five minutes.

For organization?

I'm sorry? Yes, hello?

Yeah, hi. Can you fix the phone, please, so I can hear you better?

I can hear you.

Okay, how can I help you?

How are you going to help me?

Well, we're holding a unionization vote. Are you interested?

No, sir, I'm not.

Why not?

No.

Well, we have a majority.

Hello?

Other person?

There he goes, too.

There he goes.

Sorry.

That's fine.

Fuck this.

Thank you for calling Walmart Stores Customer Service.

If you are calling for the phone number to payroll, press 1.

For an open door issue or other business concerns, press 2.

For an ethics issue, press 3.

Ethics issue.

To repeat these options, press the star key.

To return to the previous message.

but I am unable to complete your call at this time.

We'll try a different option.

If you're calling regarding an open-door issue or other business concern or idea,

contact your market manager or regional personnel manager.

To repeat this information, press the star key.

To return to the previous menu, press pound.

And there's also a global ethics hotline.

Sorry, I did not understand your response.

I love that idea.

Which is the one they gave.

That's the kind of numbers Parkman likes to give me.

There's a lot of these ethics hotlines.

A lot of times it's just one company that seems to be doing most of these.

I'm pretty sure Walmart has their own team.

Maybe we can get the...

Thank you for calling the Walmart Global Ethics Helpline.

For service in English...

Hang on, hang on.

Just saying, let me change my caller ID to a Walmart location that I'll claim to be from.

That's the ticket.

get oh yes and i'm getting a reminder here to call milkman see if he picks up this time no he's

on the phone now i think see if he clicks over i think he's talking to his mom oh yeah well he

does it every sunday at night it's probably exactly what he's doing this hour yeah he said

five minutes i've been calling it's why i'm calling don't be silly at the tone please

I don't know who my friends are, and the next night, maybe when I move into, you guys will get cracked.

Okay, the caller ID has been set, and now we're going to call the number.

Again, this is the ethics hotline for Walmart, where I'm going to try to get a response for a unionization thing.

So far, the responses have been blockbuster, to say the least.

Thank you for calling the Walmart Global Ethics Helpline.

Again, if you need to contact your regional office, please obtain your region number from your store,

then hang up and dial 479-277-7000.

Please remember, global compliance does not know your region number.

Okay, so we have to get what? A region number.

I'm sure that's not available online.

Now I'm going to have to try to finagle a region number out.

Now the question is, do we want to stay committed to this?

We're deep in now, man.

And maybe we want to try to get some type of return on this investment in time that we've already made.

Or do we just move on?

We can.

We can call.

But we can choose one and say, hey, what's the region number again?

You know?

And they're probably going to be like, duh.

So I guess it's going to happen.

I could see if there's a source online.

Anyone out there know a list for region numbers?

Yeah.

If you do, let me know.

Give me a region

Fuck it, we'll call a Walmart

But now we got a number for Bentonville apparently

I believe that is a Bentonville area

So I think we're onto something

Alright, here's a Walmart

This is going to be a shout out to Dwight

Thank you for calling Walmart

The clan of hands

The son of clan of hands

Thanks for calling Carstripe Walmart

I'm all right.

Yeah, hi.

I'm new there.

I'm going to start working tomorrow.

I'm so happy.

But I had a question.

The paperwork here that I have to finish up, it says I need the region number.

What is the region number?

The store number.

The region number.

I don't know the regional number.

I know the store number.

That's all I have.

What is the store number, then?

Big quib.

Okay.

Is there someone else who knows the region number?

Because that's pretty.

It's pretty important to know, you know?

It's pretty...

Okay, hold on.

Let me try to find someone for you.

Go look it up in a book, honey.

Damn.

And this is the end of my great Walmart experiment.

All right, I'm going to go with the fucking number, then,

with the store number.

It's the best I could do.

Maybe they can go with that.

Please enter your two-digit region number now.

I'm sorry.

I was unable to understand your response.

Oh, come on.

I've got to find a region number?

Please enter your two-digit region number now.

I'm sorry, I'm still unable to understand your response.

Please try one more time.

Please enter your two-digit region number now.

Hey, man.

Sorry, my fucking internet.

You're fine.

I'm sorry, I was unable to understand your response.

Please try again.

Please enter your two-digit region number now.

A two-digit region number.

Let's see if it starts with zero.

The number you dialed is no longer in service.

Please dial 4000 for assistance.

W-M-N-1.

Thank you for getting it.

You want me to put it in the chat or you got it?

I think I got it.

I got it.

Please don't send me a text.

You have reached the Walmart Sam's Club home office auto attendant.

If you know the extension of the party you are calling, please enter it now or dial 0 to reach the operator.

The

may be monitored or recorded to assure quality service or for other business purposes.

Thank you for calling Walmart Store's corporate offices.

If you are calling from Walmart.com or .com online order, please press 1.

If you are calling to reach Walmart Store's customer service, please press...

You have reached the Walmart Stamps Club home office.

Oh, my God.

It's impossible.

If you know the extension of the party you are calling, please enter a mail or dial 0 to reach the operator.

Is it dial 1 to reach you?

1.

Okay.

All right.

Whatever.

It's done.

I tried.

I tried to get a hold of someone there.

It just doesn't work.

That was a waste of, I don't know, an hour of our time.

Yay.

Where are we at?

let me get back to my music thank you fuji's pick up your microphones

pick up your microphones yo how many mics do we rip on the daily all right

we got myrtle beach numbers uh yes myrtle beach numbers here from parkman

milkman's favorite phone machine guy let's see milkman's

Grab a right like Frederick Douglass with a slave hat.

Street pressure, word to papa, I ain't going under.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, you have a clarinet and case for sale.

Yes, I do.

Oh, good.

How's the cork?

How are the corks doing?

The cork needs to be replaced.

Do they have a lot of, like, green, anything green on them?

I don't think so.

Anything green.

I'm not home right now, so I can't check.

But when I took the picture, I didn't see anything green.

Where are you?

Right now I'm at work.

Oh, you're at work.

uh is the clarinet the clarinets at your house yeah oh good so then you're not watching the

clarinet huh you can't be there no watch it okay i understand um is this was this your clarinet

yeah it was mine oh yeah uh for school you didn't did you play professional at all or

no no oh okay no no definitely not professional you just did it for like a social club to be in

something i did it i did it for two years when i was um when i was little and i just i just didn't

like it anymore yeah okay cool um i'm just trying i'm trying to raise money for my dog she needs

surgery oh wow cool so did you ever roll condoms on either end and go ass to ass with your best

friend girl you're a fucking asshole you know what go grow up you dick oh you were just waiting

She was in there man

Oh my god

She was on it

Should we try and call her again

And then I'll try it

Hey

I'm away from my phone right now

So leave me a message

And I'll call you back later

Thanks and have a great day

I'm leaving a message

I want to

Man look at the message

If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.

To listen to your message, press 2.

Message review.

Hey, you asshole, it's me and Jen.

We keep trying to call you.

You're never there.

Why?

Why do you hate us?

Why?

All right, so we're left with that message.

It's not going to make us.

It would be nice if we could re-hear that last call,

but we'd have to listen to that first other one that didn't pick up.

Yeah, and that's not fun.

That's not fun.

Calling her again.

If you call me one more time, I'm pressing charges.

Hang on a second.

Excuse me.

Hi.

No, no, no.

Just one second.

You call me one more time, I'm going straight to the police, and I'm pressing charges.

I just want to apologize for my friend.

He's a little bit, you know, he can be a bit extreme.

Actually, I was just, you know, I wanted to say sorry, but can I just...

She's gone.

She said one more time.

Oh, she's off.

She said one more time.

I was going to get a calm and then roll her in it again.

She said one more time.

Hey, it's Melanie.

And she said to call her only between 9 a.m. and 9 p.m.

So we're way up.

Not way.

We're like an hour after the cutoff.

That's because she works.

She must work night shift.

Maybe she's a stripper, right?

You think she's a stripper?

Probably not.

Yeah.

Probably not.

All right.

here's someone that says that they used to skate when they were younger and thought they'd start

up as a way to lose weight they nearly killed themselves in their own home apparently they

can't skate anymore they're brand new and are a lady size 10 selling them for 40 dollars united

states pickup what is near what what is he saying what a pair of skates roller skates

It's a she

it's a woman

and yeah skates

so let's try it

you're taking it

no you want two skates

yeah why not

have you got the ad so you can post it

it's Melanie

I'm away from my phone right now

so leave me a message and I'll call you back later

oh wow

oh she actually says where she works

in the ad okay that's funny

no I'm not going to call her at home

at work

well that would be quite funny you've got to admit

yeah it would

for the next one

Tupperware for $5

microwave omelette maker

and four misc bowls

that's some of those misc bowls right

one large

misc M-I-S-C

see uh miscellaneous oh is that what that means i'm pretty sure yeah

tupperware salad bowl with lid

uh small tupperware bowl one large bowl with lid one small bowl all can you do a wheat bowl

yeah you could one large bowl with lid i don't know what it's like some kind of

is this a skate no no this is microwave omelet maker with tupperware bowls

yeah hi you have the tupperware for sale microwave omelet maker yes sir my wife has

what she need to call in the morning she's out this evening yes sir playing bing oh she's

She's probably out getting fucked, huh?

I don't know.

She's probably out getting fucked by a real man, you know?

Like getting some dick.

Oh, my God.

I was just imagining the look on his face.

He's probably like, oh, damn.

Maybe she is.

I call him back.

We can tell him I'm shagging his wife.

Is this him?

Yeah, but here, hold up.

Because he put another number in the ad, and I'm going to make my ID that.

Because I bet you it's her number.

Okay.

Shit.

All right.

So then.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, then I can actually say I'm screwing his wife.

Yeah, she knows his wife's name.

No.

Oh, thank you.

There you go.

Were you talking to your mom?

Thanks for bringing me back.

I'm very sorry, man.

I ran into some issues, man.

I'll tell you later off air, bro.

Thanks for bringing me back.

Oh, man.

I hope you didn't get in trouble with the cold.

No, no, no.

Things positive, dude.

It's all positive, man.

Positive.

All right, cool.

Hey, we're calling Jen.

You're going to be fucking the one.

Yeah, I'm the man.

Hello? Hello? I think he killed it.

We'll try him again, then.

You're actually calling from his wife's number, though, right?

Yeah, yeah.

That's so weird.

Unless I didn't save it. No, I did.

The phone's in my pocket. It's not ringing.

Hello? Hello? What the hell?

He's here, but he's not talking.

I'm sure he killed it. It sounded like he killed it.

Yeah, I don't know.

Let me try calling that second number, then.

i'll be calling it with my caller id set to it so this might be a little confusing

white widow wax white widow wax whoa whoa whoa and og butter dude that's what the time was

all circuits are busy now please my girlfriend wanted me to give her a shout out so this is a

shout out to mrs uh jenny stewart we're gonna call her that from now on mrs stewart

We love you, we love you

We're like Yoko Stewart

Yoko Stewart

That's not true

Well, if Danny Stewart starts acting that bad

We're going to have to spank both of them

Alright, the caller ID has been adjusted

Reverse wise machine

And here we go

Oh, so you can still be sleeping with the husband?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not?

So, babe, I'm sleeping with the lady, yes?

Yeah.

Are we calling the husband?

Yeah.

No, we're calling the lady now.

All right.

That's even better.

Hello?

This is Barbara Harvey.

Please leave me a message and I'll return the call.

Barbara.

So that was the wife's number.

That's fair enough.

So, yeah.

So, yeah, we're trying one last time, then we move on to the next.

We'll be done with this Tupperware party, so to speak.

This is Barbara.

Barbara, how's everything?

All right, this is the grinder.

The grinder.

Calling Grand Strand Credit.

There's no need to worry.

Get your cash in a hurry.

We're open Monday through Thursday, 8.30 a.m. to 5.30 p.m.

On Friday, 8.30 a.m. to 6.00 p.m.

I'm not going to be all about leaving those messages.

Next.

Let's see what there is.

We got Pakistani and Persian high flyer pigeons.

What the fuck?

Yeah, right.

The Pakistani pigeons.

Pakistanis, yeah.

What the fuck?

What do you say to Mother June?

Come this way, Mother June.

Fly, bastard, fly.

if you want to hear some good indian shit on tuesday matt did his uh party time show

and i was i was on for a part of it and the indian calls were fucking hilarious man really

like a lot of them going like that and clapping real loud yeah it was it was a lot of the bengali

curses like the super money fun all that yeah oh man some of them are yeah and it's it's up now

Yeah, you can get it at the website.

And Matt does have his own podcast.

His show is on iTunes.

You can subscribe to Matt's.

Yeah, I don't use fucking Apple products, but yeah, go on.

Well, go to the website.

It should be on the webpage still.

Madhouse, yeah?

Go to prankcallnation.com.

Poop time is hilarious.

Prankcallnation.com, yeah.

Pigeons, here they come.

Jim, you should do this because you're all of these people.

Hello, we are not available now.

please please

so who is

which show is it

look for party time

with Matt

and Zax

Zax

yeah

phone is busy

Matt and Zax

got it got it got it

got it got it

yeah

here's a bamboo trunk

you know

I compress sound sets

with my rap

VBX

then drop vocals

on my 4-5-6

I don't know to tell you

at what point in the show

it was

but dude

I was like

wow this is so funny

there was

there was one person

who said

St. Colgis

oh yeah what thing i did let's bring it again um i found the normal um you know hindi curse

website which has like you know 20 to 30 curses your call has been forwarded to an

you know spelled out phonetically for you to say oh nice and what they mean but that's been done

before but here's what i did i decided to read the just the english translations out to them

so i was i was insulting them in english in my language but it was like the insults that they

use like colin saying that like you're my pubic hairs like i just like whatever the hindi insult

was i just all i read was the english translation yeah oh my god yeah they're they're the most

like what the fuck they're like yeah it's uh good stuff man and then i remember i did it to

like just a

literal translation

that's hilarious

it was just some

fucked up shit

I can't tell you

now what they were

but I

now I want to hear

that show

we should

yeah

we should end

this show

so I can hear it

we'll replay

that show

no no no

go in and just

fucking get it

queued up

so we can play

it before this

show ends

yeah

like a segment

your segment

we'll replay it

for everyone

yeah

we need mass

permission for that

cause it's a

hot segment

play the hot segment

yeah hell yeah

it's a show machine

we can't just

be playing

Well, not many answers today, but we're still having fun.

That was the bamboo trunk.

Let's see if this one's...

Is the numbers hit man available?

I wish I do.

Lonesome is not here.

No, Lonesome is not here.

We love you, Lonesome.

Yeah, come back, Lonesome.

But Parkman helps out too, man.

The Lonesome.

horse boarding

I love Parkman too

man

I love Parkman

he's a very good guy

man

dedicated

uh

horse boarding

I guess that's you know

taking care of the horseys

I think boarding right

Milkman is that

when that boarding

when you pay for boarding

it's

it's like you know

the boarding part is

they include

washing the horse

and feeding it

and everything you think

I think they do right

I think that's

it's supposed to be

it's expensive

yeah

it should include everything

dude

it should be all inclusive

man

word of love

y'all

because like you can't board somewhere you can say hey i'm gonna have them stay but they're

gonna starve to death yeah yeah jen come on call some ponies you want me to talk to the

pony did you see the link that you get it

folks aren't gonna answer either are they you have reached the voicemail box

That's such a shame.

I had such a good idea.

Damn it.

There's also horse boarding.

Boarding is pretty because it's like waterboarding.

We're going to horse boarding, isn't it?

Dude, I got 30 mile an hour points on that one.

This one here is to call Dennis for some Halloween party skull bottles.

They look like, I think what they are, this fucking guy.

They're not Halloween skull bottles.

I think it's Dan Aykroyd has a vodka out that's a skull.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

The bottle's an actual, like, glass skull.

I think he just drank four bottles of it and is selling the skulls now like they're some kind of skull party decanters, perfect for a Halloween party.

I'm pretty sure that's what they are exactly, is Dan Aykroyd vodka, which I surprisingly heard is remarkably smooth.

So what's the next number I said here?

The skull bottles.

Yeah, here it is.

Here it is.

Because this is the ticket right here.

Skull bottles.

They'll pick up.

I'm sure they will.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

You got those skull bottles?

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Hey, I know that those are Dan Aykroyd's vodka bottles, okay?

Yeah.

Because why are you putting them on like they're Halloween party skull bottle decanters?

They're just bottles.

Yeah, but they're not Halloween.

They come like that.

No, I just.

They're not special Halloween.

I didn't say they were.

I said, they're perfect for Halloween, dude.

Other people with different liquors, that's all it says.

No, you're using fuzzy marketing here.

So I'm taking 20% off that $40 right there for sure.

Dude, I'm just trying to sell something that I don't want anymore.

Well, I'm saying $32.

Yeah, that's fine with me, dude.

Like I said, I'm just cleaning out stuff.

I'm not trying to fuzzy market anybody.

Yeah, all right.

I'm going to transfer you through to my chief of mechanical operations here.

Yeah, hello, Chief of Mechanical Operations.

Yeah, what can I do for you, buddy?

What can I do for you? You came to me.

No, somebody transferred me to you, sir.

And what is that for?

I was talking to somebody about a Craigslist ad. They transferred me to you.

Oh, is it? And what is the Craigslist ad for?

It was some bottles.

Yeah, and you're selling or you're buying?

I was selling some skull bottles. A gentleman called me, and he transferred me to you.

What was his name?

I don't know, sir.

Yeah, but how can you not?

You just said he transferred you.

You spoke to the gentleman.

Maybe he wanted to buy it.

What if I would tell me about this?

How can I buy it?

Sir, I don't know your name.

I'm telling you whoever transferred me to you.

Chief Operations Officer, you just told me how to buy.

Sir, I don't even know who you are.

I'm telling you the other gentleman transferred me to you.

I'm explaining to you who I am, who am I.

What, did you get my name?

You want to write it down?

What's the matter?

No, I don't really want to talk to you anymore.

Why?

Because this is silly.

You're silly.

It's ridiculous.

There were some bottles.

But I just want the bottle, though.

I want to put it, you know, in your mouth.

You caught me completely off guard.

I know.

I had no idea what was going on.

Let's go in.

I figure we've finally had someone.

Let me at least let Jim get a little bit in on it.

Chief of Mechanical Operations.

Very nice.

Very nice call.

I was right

I was right about them bottles guys

So I will pay more attention now

You got it boy

You know you're nicer for sure dude

It's probably about like three hours a glass

So

Fuzzy marketing

Yeah so

I mean guys

Perfect for Halloween

He made a big deal

He's like part of Halloween

It's real big

The party's here.

I should have made up a bunch of shit like that.

It's just real big.

The party's here.

Two fucking bottles, man.

Come on.

Four bottles.

He went to tend to...

I told him 20% off.

20% off for fuzzy marketing.

All right, all right.

Here's my chief of mechanical operations,

Keith Stewart.

Mechanical operator.

Not purchasing, Oscar.

Mechanical operator.

It's Sunday.

day hello yeah you have these star trek items star trek pins hello yeah you have star trek pins

need my wife has i don't know oh yeah um can i talk to her no sir she's out single oh yeah i

know uh here's jen stewart he's porking her jen yeah hello yeah i'm the one who's talking your

wife she's she's not playing any bingo she's with me here do you want to speak to her hello

Hello, gentlemen.

Sorry.

No, he doesn't like it.

He picked up.

It's the same guy.

This is a lot of repeats.

This guy put in the ad for his wife has some Star Trek pins also.

Damn.

Well, I tried to get you in on that finally.

You finally picked up again.

That was unintentional, but funny.

All right, we got the flirty.

You're twice as active, Princess Leia.

Yeah.

Plain bingo.

Oof.

we got the flirty girls fitness pole adjustable from eight foot to ten foot ceilings it looks like

it's it's marketed as a fitness pole but it's a stripper pole uh looks to be the meme uh jim

stewart you can take a look i just dropped a stripper pole send me to this uh link yeah i

gave you the link i've got the link i clicked it let me see this so 80 for a fucking pole

It must hold a lot of weight

300 new are you fucking kidding me

Yeah it's a good pole

Who the fuck would pay 300 for a fucking pole

You could just get to a scrap yard and get one

A stripper pole needs to be strong bro

Because that's a lot of weight

Especially I mean

The stripper isn't just hanging on to it

She's doing all the flips

Yeah yeah

Sometimes they go all the way up to the ceiling

I need a demo

You know when the girl goes all the way up and she opens her legs, spreads her legs out, and then she comes down real fast?

Sounds like fun.

Yeah.

And then she hits her heels against the stage.

She claps her heels three times and goes back to Kansas City.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hello?

Yeah, Jim, go ahead.

Yeah, sorry.

Hello, man, you got that pole?

The what?

The pole?

You know the pole?

From Craigslist, you know the pole?

No.

What do you mean, no?

Why not?

Hello?

Oh, man.

You didn't even give me a chance.

What a penis, that guy.

There was confusion at the beginning.

Oh, sorry, I'm sorry.

No, it's me.

It was my fault.

It was all me.

It was supposed to be yours.

Hello, you've reached Brian.

All right, then.

Dude, this is some funny shit, man.

I feel like I'm back on the Virgin Islands looking for fun.

What's this?

Yeah.

Hold on.

Yeah, I'm trying to remember.

Looking for phone cards, man.

This is right back in the same shit.

Why are you feeling like that?

What are you doing?

Why do you feel like that?

Because I'm still driving.

I'm almost home here where I can connect up to the sky.

Oh, that's true.

We've got someone selling two toilets.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

What a shit night.

I have an idea.

Can I go to the toilet, people?

Yeah.

No.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

Eight.

Military tactical vest.

I don't even know where to go with that.

This should be legal.

I guess so.

I'm sorry.

I'm in America where you fuck right is legal.

You got to protect yourself from the King of England.

You can come here any time.

Take over.

You know what you want?

King of England.

Jin, come over here right now and tell them what to do.

I am the king.

Yeah.

Tell them.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell him.

Tell him you're going to take away his weapons.

You're the king of England.

I am. I'm going to take it.

King of England, I'm taking away your weapons.

And you will give my soldiers quarter.

He will become a slave to me.

He'll follow me, and I'll get lots of little followers.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system.

A lot of shit on you.

Damn shit.

We have great ideas tonight, but, you know, fucking...

Someone is looking for help with yard work.

I need someone to do yard work.

I want to move some shrubs in front of my home.

leave the keys underneath

there's your links

why the fuck

he can't do it by himself

place them along my drive

if you think

you might be interested

in doing this

please call me

show contact number

I don't check my email

or text

so call me

alright

let's do it

are you doing this

or am I doing this

you do it man

cause it's your turn

hopefully someone answers

yeah hopefully

hello

yes yes

yeah

you were the one

looking for some help

with the

with the yard work

I've already got it.

What do you mean you've already got it?

I've already got somebody to do it.

Well, I want to do it.

Can you not tell them no?

I would like to be the person.

I'll try a call back.

Hello, yeah, I want you to get rid of the other man, whoever it is,

and I want to be the one to do the yard work.

I'm better, I promise.

Ah.

All right.

we got a request from milkman to do a prank call for a taylor guitar milkman any information on

the taylor guitar does it sound like taylor guitar that's all i played dude mostly man

those are really really high-end guitars man they do make some solid guitars but they're

worth a ton of money okay well we got someone looking for a night looking for a nice guitar

he's looking for one they have a taylor model 110 in stock oh no okay anyway they have a taylor

model 110 plus many that's the baseline now those are the new laminated ones that sound pretty damn

good for the money actually about six dollars at the most yeah so let's see if they pick up

it looks to be some kind of thrift store or something so if they're charging more than six

you can buy a brand new one for less six figures well you want to do it i didn't do it man i mean

i'm listening i'm going to answer bye oh and thank you so much for coming little beach's

largest collectible store

R&R collectibles

located

Shut up

Asshole

Actually it was a funny commercial

too bad we couldn't listen to it

we don't want that information

to get out on the air

so fuck it

Yeah

Ain't no free advertisements

on this show

No free advertisements here

We got bills to pay

motherfucker you

Uh

For sale

We gotta pay the bills first

We got for sale

by owner

2007 bumper pull camper

Sleeps 6 people

in like new condition

$8,000

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Nope.

Wow.

Pepsi soda machine for sale.

Okay, all right.

Soda Machine Machine?

Soda Machine Machine, yes.

So does it actually make it? Does it mix it? How does it do it? Does it dispense it?

You can't hurt it? It's a can or a bottle? What's the story?

Probably like a can machine.

Can machine.

Okay, so then we all have to tell them the pieces. We need one that mixes and fucks with it.

We need it.

That's a fountain.

Like a Burger King model.

Fountain machine.

We'll put male sexual organ flavoring in it too, if you like.

Or female, depending on your choice.

Ice bong is ready.

Yay, yard sale.

Hello.

Yeah, hi, you had a yard sale yesterday?

Uh, yeah.

You got any stuff left over?

Uh, no.

No, we don't.

Oh, no, nothing you want to get rid of?

hang on let me see that's my husband no all right well fuck you then all right asshole fucking

asshole hello yeah hey uh so yeah go to hell you know that pisses me off that you don't have

I don't have anything left to sell.

Yeah.

On to a bad foot there, lady.

I only have one.

That isn't bad.

That's unacceptable.

Hello.

Yeah, hello.

You had a yard sale yesterday.

Hello? Hello? Hello, please.

Hello, please.

Yeah, I'm asking you about your yard sale.

What about it?

Do you have anything left still that we can make an offer on?

Who is this?

Alex.

I don't even know your first or last name.

I'm just calling about an offer you made publicly for a yard sale

to see if you have anything left over.

Do you have anything? I make offers on yard sales.

Where's the phone number?

I make closing offers on yard sales

for my thrift store.

What thrift store?

I have a thrift store.

Where at?

It's a private invite

thrift store

in Rogersville.

Which store?

It's a private one.

It only goes out

to people in need.

Well, if it's private,

then how are you

going to sell anything?

It's called

United Thrift Store Machines.

Why is she giving me

the riot act?

She's like,

hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, she knew.

She was suspecting.

Hey.

Sounds like she takes

stinky shit.

Yeah, I asked you if you had an offer that I can make

to take anything you have left over that's occupying space

and make you a good offer, I'll haul it all.

$5,000.

All right, but what do you have left?

Everything.

$5,000.

Yeah?

Can I get your ass?

I'll pay for your ass then, your asshole, for $5,000.

I pay a lot of money for anal.

Is that right?

Yeah.

I know a guy you can go give it to.

Okay.

Jen Stewart?

Yeah.

Yeah, he knows the guy that we can give it to.

You can give it to a guy?

Hello?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, give it to the guy.

What's his name?

Yeah, put him on.

Hello?

What are you doing over there?

Are you taking off your panties or what?

You said you want a guy who's doing that?

No, I wanted you to put in the bum, you know?

I thought somebody was going to whoop your ass.

Why are you laughing?

Excuse me, why are you laughing?

You think that's funny?

Yeah.

I got somebody that can whoop your ass.

Don't laugh, okay?

That's not funny, you.

Hello?

You whore.

I have an egg number.

Hello?

Okay.

All right.

Weird lady.

She wanted it in the thumb.

I'll try her again.

You know, fuck it.

Because there's a guy there.

Maybe he'll pick up.

I was interested in Mr. Stewart's proposal.

What's the host?

Sussman Barca.

I swear to God, this is Shannon Briggs.

I get paid to not keep blogging.

Hello?

hello hello no you go there you bitch why you said that to me what hello you're so fucking gay

hello what's your name you suck dick for commissary no no no you're the man aren't you

you're the man who wants it in the bum yeah hello no i want to turn your brown eye blue

no but you said what your lady said that you take it in the in the ass is that true

no no no i like to turn the brown eye she told me she fisted you all right but you believe

believe everything you hear yeah i do most of the time that's why i'm religious how are you

yeah that's but what you're saying about my brown eyes blue i've got blue eyes you idiot

you got blue eyes yeah do you like it you sound like you're fucking you sound like you're like

from iraq or something so i don't believe you got blue eyes no that's not true why do i sound like

i'm from iraq i'm from iran iraq same fucking thing you both look like it's not the same

fucking thing and stop swearing at me you cunt you idiot why you swear i'm not a bitch you

You can't call me a cunt.

I've got to have a pussy to be called a cunt.

No, you are a cunt.

You're like a walking cunt.

You're like a vagina with legs, you know?

It makes sense.

Well, I know Frankie's calling me

talking about fucking another dude

because that's what y'all do over there.

Fuck men for fun.

Yeah, we do.

We fuck, yeah, but just ones

that look like vaginas, you know?

You're so gay.

No, you're gay, you idiot.

That's why we want to, you know,

we want to come over there

and give you what for, you know?

Is that so?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell me, what's your girlfriend wearing?

She sounded nice.

She's wearing your mom's dress.

Okay, we'd like to, you know, we were thinking about the public execution, you know, for Halloween night.

We could take her outside and just everybody will throw a rock, you know?

Oh, I don't care.

I'll throw dicks at her for all I care.

Oh, really?

You would do that to your lady?

Yeah, why not?

We swing.

You monster, you idiot.

Why?

Yeah, yeah, you would stone your wife.

You're talking to me, you're my lady.

Let me talk to the lady, please.

Hey, idiot, let me talk to that lady.

To that lady.

She said like lady

She's like yeah like I'm a lady

That's how she said it

Like as if I'm a lady

Why is she laughing?

She's a whore

Because she's a whore

She's a whore

We've arranged a public execution for 31st of October

You'll be outside in the garden

We'll dig a little hole

And everybody will come and throw the rock

You whore

No no your mother your mother you idiot

In the name of Allah

My mother's not a woman

Yeah she is

She is

Your mother

Your sister

Everyone

That's how you became

Shut up you idiot

When a man

Put it in your mother's behind

That's when you became

You're the brown one

You look like the asshole baby

Not me

You're an idiot

You know

Yeah

I did go to charity

You know

Dr. Carlito

Is with me

He's gonna

He's gonna cut you

Fuck your Samsung phone

Now fuck that whistle

whistled. What? Whore. Yeah, was that another man? I'll talk about my mama. There it is again,

the whore whistle. Yeah. The whore whistle. Hey, whore, come here. That's the text. Yeah. Hey,

whore, come here. I have $5. Whore. Rub your head like a chicken. Then? There it is. What will you

do then? There's another whore. Another trick. Selling that bitch dreams. What? I like your

You sound like you'd take it in the bum.

Look, I gotta get some water.

I'm not gonna take a break.

I'll be right back.

Milkman and Jen, hang on.

He sounds like he's constantly high.

Yeah, he does.

He was a hippie.

An all-day hippie.

Rest in peace.

He's got a lot of acid.

Rest in peace.

He died?

He got shot by a police.

What?

No.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, he did.

He got shot by a police.

Fuck off.

Come on.

He pulled his fingers out in a gun form.

Like, he did, like, the letter L with his fingers.

And he pointed at the cop.

It's like, pew, pew, pew.

Like that, joking around.

And the cop says, stop resisting.

And he shot him.

Yep.

True story.

Our plot twist is actually blank.

A black helicopter landed on his property.

and he says that he says that a black helicopter landed on his property and um an alien came out

no when they put guns in his face and basically said you didn't see nothing and he's like i ain't

gonna say i didn't see nothing they said all right we're taking you to prison that's what he said he

was guilty of okay he went to prison once he was there with suge knight no no you're a big fan of

the gangster rap um it's the guy who killed super i guess yeah pretty much sorry i was looking to

see if there was uh any other source of phone numbers which there is not uh so i'm going to

just uh start calling places on the map this is where we got now it's what we have so we have one

excuse me let me see what town we're in here we're in somewhere in louisiana nah that's gonna be i

haven't called hawaii you know which of that home depot in hawaii that we're good fans of you like

Like this, the girl who's singing now is Lauryn Hill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Lauryn Hill.

She lost her voice.

She ruined her voice, actually.

It's gone.

Pretty well known.

Yeah, she ruined her voice.

People think she either was doing drugs or she just didn't do proper singing techniques or something.

But she's lost her voice.

Like in several occasions, she's been out in public.

You know, the same thing happened to Whitney Houston.

She lost her voice.

But that was due to the crack use and stuff, yeah.

Thank you for calling the Honolulu Home Depot.

For store hours and directions, press 1.

This is plumbing.

Yeah, hi.

I need to see if you guys have some parts there.

Have some what?

Some parts.

Hold on, I'm not...

I need the fucking parts.

I'm not hearing you too well.

All right, asshole.

Okay, try again.

Yeah, I need parts.

Of what?

The main parts.

Main parts of what?

That make the water go.

In what sense?

make the water go

Would it help if you talk to my handyman?

Maybe. Alright, let me transfer you.

Just a moment, please. Hello, Jen?

Yeah? I have Home Depot

calling for you. Go ahead.

Okay, Home Depot calling for me.

Okay, hello.

Hello. Hi, how you doing?

He said he needs... Good. He says he needs

help. Okay, go on.

What's going on here?

Say it again, please.

I said, what's going on here? What are you doing there?

Why are you calling? I didn't call.

Oh, he called first.

Oh, okay.

He called first, and then you called back, and now we're just calling each other.

So what's happening there?

We need to get some pipes over here.

We need to put it together.

Huh?

So he needs plumbing parts, he said.

Yeah, that's right.

We need to make the water go.

And what is it that you need?

Well, we just need a few pipes there to make the water go.

It's going to put the pipe in.

And I'm actually using this augmented reality headset so I can see what I'm doing.

That's how I'm a handyman.

Have you ever seen that on TV?

So you need to come in and get the parts.

Yeah, yeah.

So you're going to tell me what parts I need, okay?

I can't tell that until you tell me what you're doing.

Okay, so we're trying to make the water go.

It doesn't go right now, so we're trying to make it go.

Where is it coming from?

So it's coming from the top, and we want to make it go to the bottom.

But we had a guy come here last week.

He had a look at that, and he just said, you know, I can't make the water go.

You've got to go Home Depot and just see if they can supply you with the pipes and stuff like that.

It comes from God.

Yeah.

So he said to make the water go, I just need to put a pipe in there.

For the top, the water goes in, and then at the bottom, it comes out again.

So that's how it goes.

That's true.

So can you supply us with the correct parts?

You have to come in and get them.

Okay, but you need to tell me how much is it going to cost?

Which pipes are they?

Do I need valves or anything like that?

You may.

I need a lot more detail on what you're putting together.

Just a few pipes.

We just want to make the water go from the top to the bottom.

I just explained that to you, you know, several times there.

That's not enough information.

What more information do you need?

Where you're getting your supply and how far is it and what are...

Well, it's coming from the sky and then it comes into the mountain

and then it comes into a little river and then the river goes into, that's it.

It just goes in this circle.

So we're just trying to adapt from that.

We're just trying to steal it from there, you know.

Yeah.

So you can tell us what pipes we need now?

Still don't know enough information.

So what more information do you need?

You've got to be specific.

You're not being very specific about the information you need there.

Because you're not being specific of what this is supposed to be doing.

We're just trying to get the water to go.

In generality.

We just want the water to go.

I want to go with the water.

Hello?

Why are you laughing?

I have no answers for you.

I think you're a bad person for not having the right answers.

no it's because i'm not having you're the bad person for asking no no you're an asshole i'm

not a bad person you're an asshole hello i'm sorry yeah i like are you like when you could

you hear me laughing i forgot i didn't have myself on mute i was a little bit at first

just thinking that you know you were just like yeah the water don't go because it's the same

he's like ah shit i thought i was gonna get a plumber on the line you know so anyway it's

It's Lowe's that I always call.

I've never tried calling Home Depot with this whole thing where I call all the departments in one store and say dumb shit.

You should send them to each other.

Send them to the, like, find out who this person is in one place, get his name,

then call in another location and get him sent back.

Well, I had a manager once.

She was looking for me.

I said that I was in the bathroom and that I'd broken the toilet on purpose.

She sent someone to the men's room and then the women's room.

and it's just like

alright so where are you really

and

I was

I told her I was in the

the

fucking

in one of the displays

the bathroom displays

like I was inside

there I had the echo going

I had broken it

and I was hiding

because I was scared

I was trying to get a

club competency

thank you for calling

the Honolulu Home Depot

for lumber and building materials

press 2

did you know what was amazing

when you did that call

to that car company

and you told them that story

about the guy

I'm the nigger

should we cut to do something like that again that was the volkswagen yeah it's just not a

number there was audi it was audi yeah hi i'm calling because i need to make an order for that

box the wood for the box oh uh a wood for the box yeah the the wood box wood okay um are you

making an order over the phone no i need to come pick it up i'm gonna need one box okay um one box

I need a five-foot-by-five-foot-by-five-foot cube of solid wood all the way through.

Okay.

If we have anything like that in stock, are you trying to pick it up?

Yeah, yeah.

You ordered it over the phone?

Yeah.

Okay.

Your call is very important to us, but all associates are busy at this time assisting other callers.

Good afternoon.

Home Depot. How may I direct your call?

Yeah, Jen, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, hello?

Yes. Yeah, we're trying to

buy some wood. Your colleague just

transferred me. I don't know if he's an idiot or

what's going on over there. This is

the call center.

The front desk on

the call.

And usually, when it comes to me,

I usually transfer you to that department.

Well, they just transferred me

to you. What the hell is going on? We're just playing

a game of transfer in the circle or something,

you know? Yeah.

Yeah. And what department was you talking to, sir?

I don't know. It was I'm ordering wood, you know, so I got the number off the website and then I just called it and, you know, trying to order the wood.

But now, you know, I'm with you.

OK, yeah.

Yeah.

Because, you know, the wood, that would be you can order it, but the pro desk is closed up.

That might be why it came to me.

Normally that's where you would order that.

I need you to get someone to open it up. It's a rather desperate situation, you know.

Yeah.

You can do that?

What?

Get it open and get me the wood.

I can't do that, no.

Why? What can you do there? What is your purpose? What is your use in life?

What?

When are you looking to get the wood?

Immediately.

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to do that, sir.

Why? Why not?

Because I'm not in that department, sir. I'm at the front desk area.

Oh, you're rather useless then, aren't you?

Yeah.

Okay, but can you not transfer me to the correct person, please?

I can have somebody call and give you an order.

No, I just needed to transfer me to the right person.

Okay, hold on.

Yeah, excellent.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

All of our associates are currently...

I haven't slept in 24 hours.

Please remain on the line and your call will be answered by the next...

There's a pony buggy here for sale.

Yeah?

Anyone's guess if they'll answer.

Yeah.

Pony, pony.

I haven't done a pony call in a while.

Yes.

Oh, Sony.

I think he's just put me on hold.

...for calling the Home Depot.

That's fine, that's fine.

Don't worry.

Your call will be answered by the next...

Are you calling pony people?

Yeah, pony. I'll put him on hold.

I can do pony in the background. You just...

Hi.

You have a pony buggy?

Pony.

Thank you for calling.

You have a pony buggy. Okay. How old is the pony buggy?

Horse?

How old is the pony buggy? How old is it?

I'm not sure how old it is.

How many horsepower does it take?

How many?

I don't know.

You don't know the horsepower?

I don't know.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

What's wrong? Why don't you know?

Are you stupid?

The Home Depot.

I work for Home Depot.

I work for Home Depot, so it comes to on the, you're hearing like the, on the ceiling.

We had the speaker.

I'm in the break room and the speaker's really loud in here.

Yeah.

They indoctrinate us with the music and the messages in the break room.

Okay.

Um.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

I don't know much about it, really, because I hadn't put it on a horse or pony.

Good evening.

Made for a pony.

Hello.

Blinds?

Excuse me?

It says, what's your department, ma'am?

I was just talking to somebody there at Home Depot.

Yeah, what department was it?

What are you looking for, ma'am?

A man called me, was asking me something I have on Craigslist, Sam.

I don't know who he was or anything.

Yeah, you...

We're not located.

Pardon me?

Where are you located at?

Where's the Home Depot at?

I'm down by Costco.

Right there at Little Beach?

Yes, we're open.

Okay.

Thank you.

I guess the other man got off the phone.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Hey, you stupid bitch.

Hey.

Hello?

Yeah, you stupid bitch, you know that?

You what?

You're a stupid bitch, I said, you know that?

Why?

Because you didn't understand what was going on there.

there he said he's in he's not in myrtle beach he's in hawaii yeah he's in hawaii not myrtle beach

yeah are you okay yeah did you drink something you take big stinky shits do it do you take big

stinky shits in hawaii yeah sure i am yeah yeah i work at the home deep in hawaii you have a horse

buggy though you have a horse you have a horse we need a horse buggy it's for a special movie

movie we're making yeah yeah it's the lost reunion show we're filming it here and we my my friend

lady my friend wants to know if if daddy touched you hello hello did your did your daddy touch you

my daddy yes did he touch me yeah did he no oh okay that's just why my friend was asking so

that's why so i said that yeah that's all that's all okay can i can i touch you can we touch

watch there she goes what the fuck i like how she ended up talking to home depot

we played that pretty well i like our work on that one is she okay i wonder if she's okay

she's high or what she's dumb she's just slow i don't know i thought she'd taken something i had

no idea she's just duh all right here's a different home depot

this fucking music man is so good thank you playing the pearl city home depot i swear you

should be a radio dj if you know the three-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach

for kitchen and bathroom design press one for building materials press two for appliances

Hi, Bonner Appliances.

How can I help you?

Oh, hi.

I was calling about the appliance.

We're looking here for our mutual friend.

My friend and I are calling regarding an appliance we want to get.

We're wondering about the availability and the horsepower.

Okay.

Oh, we're looking for a dryer.

Well, no, a washing machine.

Hopefully it's the kind that should rattle enough in the perfect way

so that our wives can get on top of it and ride it.

I don't think we have that.

Do you have any round-shaped dryers or washers?

No.

No, they're all boxed?

Mm-hmm.

All right, now which one is the least stable?

They all are pretty stable.

Yeah, but which is the cheapest one you got?

Because the cheapest one you got probably wobbles more than the others, right?

It doesn't have as much invested into its framework?

No.

Okay.

No, Mr. Calito, you can take off one of the feet, and then it wobbles.

Is there a certain one that you were looking for besides one that wobbles a lot?

Yeah, one that wobbles a lot because we're trying to get our wives off.

We're going to have them take turns in front of us, and they're going to ride it.

we're all masturbate while we watch them um absolutely i have a little bit of pee yeah a

little bit of pee um so would you recommend a washer or a dryer for this i think the washer

would be better but the dryer we could put like a bowling ball inside of it and turn it on

and that might you know really get it going yeah and i was thinking i could put a tank a butane

tank in one also and it'd be like a race to know if you know if she can get off before the butane

tank explodes you know hello sir oh my my goodness my goodness please answer hello all right i'll keep

them on and i'll call the next place fucking butane gas laundry roulette thank you for calling

for kitchen and bathroom design it should be appliance machine horse machine

does anyone here remember the name of the guy at the lows in hawaii that i'm always asking for

The guy that sounds like a Samoan.

I have no idea because I'm not a Chris.

Chat room might know.

Chris?

I think it is Chris.

Yeah, that's what they're saying in the chat room.

Hello?

Hello, please?

I'm going to call Lowe's while these other two places are online.

You are calling Lowe's.

I'm going to associate jail.

The home depot.

You can do it.

You have entered an inbound call.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Appliances, press 4.

Lumber and building materials, press 5.

Flooring, press 6.

Hardware and tools.

Entire room without a lock.

Transferring to hardware and tools.

Please hold.

Now get that old bastard on.

Hardware.

Yeah, I need to talk to Chris, please.

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris who?

Big fat Hawaiian Chris.

He works in tools.

He sounds like an Indian chief.

He's like, hey, I am Chris.

Oh, you know that guy?

Filipino guy, Chris.

He's not working today.

When does he work again?

No, no, he's not working in tools today.

I need to talk to him.

He told me to call him back.

He needs to get credit for the sale.

Let me go find out.

Thank you.

Where are you at?

I'm with the corporate office.

Okay, hang on.

Hold on, I've got to walk over to the tools.

Okay, honey.

All right, the calls are muted.

Um, yes, this is the phone viewer guy.

I think it was Carbon Raw.

Who asked in chat?

Oh, he left at 2 p.m.

God damn you, motherfucker.

Why'd you make me think that he was still fucking there all this fucking time?

Fucking asshole.

I don't know, no.

When does he fucking come back in again, motherfucker?

Um, do I have the schedule?

God damn this shit.

Fucking shit.

Chris, Chris, Chris.

Where are you, Chris?

He's the motherfucker, that Chris.

Where is he?

Punch him in his penis.

He's going to set the schedule for the 19th, let's see, 19th, 19th, Monday.

According to this, he's coming back tomorrow afternoon at 2 p.m.

All right, so I'm going to go, I'm going to kick his ass tomorrow, all right?

What's his home phone number?

I do not know.

It should be in the list there.

And I can't give it out to you.

Well, it should be in the list.

I'm with the corporate office.

Well, let me give you the manager because I don't even have that.

Well, Harry, what are you?

Are you Filipino or are you Hawaiian?

Don't listen. They're lying.

You guys are prank calling everybody at every store.

Shut up, bitch. Be quiet.

You're on the fucking phone.

Give some respect.

You're very unprofessional.

Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

You're full of shit.

You're full of shit. You're fired.

Why the hell did you call me?

You're fired.

Sir, can you get the manager, please?

Sir, are you there?

I am now.

Yeah, get the manager. Come on.

...day on $99.

That place's size is on hold.

Let's see if you're detailed.

I think she might be

the one that's still on

oh really

bitch

she hung up

I think she's

no she hung up

she's the one that hung up

oh that's funny

was that Home Depot

that girl with Home Depot

she was

she was the first

Home Depot we called

yeah cause I heard

you dialing him

that was pretty good man

that was a fucking good call

Lowe's is still connected

he's still getting

the manager now I think

let's call Kmart

let's see how the action is

in the bathroom

right Jen

yeah this is Chris

I love you

yeah hey chris what's up yeah hey this isn't chris yeah can i help you where's chris this is chris

this is not chris i know what chris sounds like this is not fucking chris chris is a friend of

mine you sir are no chris no well chris is no friend of yours yes he is and i worked for the

chris administration for three years i happen to know mr chris very personally he is a close

A close personal friend of mine, yes.

Wow.

What's your question, sir?

It's private matter.

I need to have his phone number.

If you can't give me the phone number, perhaps you can dial the numbers in the phone machine.

Here, go ahead.

You can do it now.

I'm going to pick up the phone.

Here, go ahead.

Dial the numbers and we'll talk to him.

No?

No, I'm good.

Oh, come on, honey.

Are you Filipino or what are you exactly?

Samoan.

You're Samoan?

You're not a Kanaka?

No, man.

What are you?

He's Japanese.

Oh, yeah.

I'm Howley.

Don't start getting up to date here.

I'm Howley.

He's half Japanese and half Howley, and we have a British guy here.

I think this guy is a squid.

I'm starting to wonder.

Is he a squid?

He has no horse in this race at all, Jen.

Right, Jen?

You have no horse in this race?

Yes, yes.

Hello.

Yes.

Jen has no horse in this Hawaii race.

I have no horses, no.

Horse.

So what realization is this?

No, you sound like a squid.

I don't know.

You sound like a squid.

Well, radio station up in Cali.

Yeah, that's it.

Yep.

Cool.

So what kind of prank are you guys trying to do?

98.6 the mouth.

Yep.

Huh?

98.6 the mouth.

And do you want our website?

Yeah.

Can you put it on your computer now right there?

Hello?

Yeah, can you put it on your computer now?

Yeah, go ahead.

No, I got to put it on my iPhone.

Okay.

All right.

What's the web?

Yeah, it's helpdesk.corporate.com.

Corporatehelpdesk.com.

helpdesk.corporate

No, the radio station you guys are doing.

Yeah, it's called

Well, it's Glory Hole Foundation

but I think the website is down.

Helpdesk, that's it.

Yes, we changed it now to that.

We're the helpdesk corporate radio station.

It's helpdeskcorporate.com

Can you put that on your phone now?

Because I want you to make sure you get in the chat.

You're breaking up.

Did you get in?

How much people is on the line?

How much or how many?

I was like, no, how many, because you guys are breaking up.

Ha, that's exactly how grammar works.

Good work.

What is your name?

I thought we were speaking with the manager.

Yes, sir, this is the manager.

Do you have a name, sir?

Chris.

No, it's not you, Lyle.

I talked to Chris the other day.

Where's the real Chris?

The one I made, I told that he had a viewer on his phone.

He got mad.

I think mechanical operations possibly.

I don't think that's Chris at all.

I can tell it's not Chris.

Hey, other Chris.

Chris, you know the Chris I'm talking about, right?

You know, we got more than one Chris in the store.

Yeah, I know, but you know, listen.

You know big Filipino Chris that works in tools a lot?

You're not that big.

I was going to say this.

He sounds different, that stuff.

I knew that wasn't Chris.

Milkmanish.

All right, you know the Filipino Chris that works in tools a lot?

He's not big.

Okay.

All right.

So I called him once, and he was being an asshole to me.

so i told him to i needed a part and i told him to look at it i told him i was did he have a

did he have a heavy uh accent yeah he's like he sounds like a you know like an indian chief like

a cherokee chief that's what he sounds like you know what i mean he's like hey yeah yeah yeah

when a great sunbird rises that he sounds like that so i told him i told him i needed a part

he's like what kind of what part and i said this one right here i'm showing it to you and i was on

on the phone and he got really mad he's like i don't have a viewer i don't have a viewer and it

was so funny and i laughed and laughed so much and he got he started cursing and he said he was

gonna suck my dick and all this stuff he said come here i'll suck your dick he said to me like that

he said like you howly all you howlies like that he said yeah yeah so you want to make a complaint

no no i'm just i was wanting to make fun of him with you i want you to spread it spread it to

other co-workers that charlie what's his name chris that chris um charlie's another guy uh that

chris is uh you know he gets picked on a lot because he's kind of slow you know and that even

the customer even the customers make fun of him you know yeah so i called once like a with a girl

voice and i said like hey i like you were hot and he was like oh yeah what's your phone number he

was really into it you know he got really into it he wanted the phone number isn't that embarrassing

and funny that's stupid yeah you can bully him you can bully him at work and make him feel

uncomfortable right and everyone can laugh at him but that he's he's more prankster jokester than i

am he is dude he was he got mad at me for telling him that i was showing him the part he was like i

don't have a viewer i don't know he got mad he was oh he was so mad you want to hear it i could

play for you if you want to hear it yeah let me hear it uh you know you're not gonna snitch on

You're not a cop.

If you're a cop, you have to tell me where it's entrapment.

Yeah, it'd be funny if I was a cop.

You probably got swat all over the building right now.

No, I wouldn't do that.

No, that's not true.

Come on.

Let me see.

I have to search for it.

Hang on.

I'll get it for you in a second.

Maybe not.

I don't know.

I don't think that...

What time is it over there?

It's GMT.

It's like 1300 GMT.

Yeah, I got to get going.

This is sounding like a neon show.

All right.

So I got to go, all right?

Yeah, yeah, you guys have fun.

I like neon.

Yeah, go to 976neon.com, okay?

Got it, got it.

Okay, bye.

Thanks, Chris.

All right, cool.

Hey, have fun.

Okay, bye, honey.

Yeah, bye.

All right, man.

Love you.

Bye, thank you.

Hey, tell other Chris we said hi, all right?

All right.

What the fuck?

I was hoping he'd be cool like, oh, yeah, fuck Chris, you know?

No, he wasn't cool.

Dude, he was cool, man.

Man, he was hanging on if he was a manager.

I think we got bullshit.

I don't think he was a manager.

No, shout out to Neon.

I was just giving Neon a plug.

That's because I saw she's in the chat room being nice, behaving herself, being nice to

everybody.

So it's good to see Neon.

Everyone clap like Otter.

Otters don't clap.

Who claps?

Seals.

Jen Stewart, do you like Seals?

Do you like Seals?

Are you against seal hunting in Northern Ireland?

I'm against animal cruelty.

Okay.

All right.

but you eat meat

oh fuck yeah

I do eat meat

but did you hear about

that case in China

that happened

I think a couple days ago

yeah the guy threw the case

off the building

and he said

it has a bomb

and it blew up

what the fuck

no I'm thinking

no

some pig

ate a two year old boy

what

yeah yeah

it's fucked up

like this kid

was wandering around

and went into the

the pig ate him

and then they started

torturing this pig

because of it

I thought that was

crazy

it's like

why don't you

look after your kid

you know

it's stupid

But it was a big deal, apparently a big deal in China.

I heard – I saw a video that said that the Mexicans are sneaking in through Texas and shit in the United States here.

They're passing out of, like, thirst, you know?

Like, they pass out in the heat, and they get eaten by wild boar, hog, pig machines.

Yeah.

And it said that the pigs are now – the wild pigs are now roaming around in packs looking for Mexicans to eat.

Okay.

Yeah, like they've adapted themselves now.

Dude, those aren't pigs, man.

They're boars.

That's a different animal, man.

Pig is what you fucking eat.

You can eat a boar.

You can eat anything you want, Milkman.

You can eat a shoe if you want.

You put a barbecue sauce on it, you can eat a shoe.

Yeah?

I can't hear you.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Your horse is asking.

Paren, opciones en espanol.

Market for information transferring to appliances.

Please hold.

All I can say is that's a hell of an evil way to put somebody out of their misery.

I'm sick of fucking boron.

I'd rather take a gunshot.

Yeah, because you think maybe I feel bad because they say that a lot of them are like with the women and the children are the ones that fall to the heat first, you know.

And the coyotes, the people that do the transportation, the illegal transportation of them, they leave them.

They don't try to help him out or call 911 even or anything.

They just fucking leave him out to die.

It's Home Decor.

Excuse me?

Hello?

Home Decor he he he.

Great, thank you.

Fucking people.

What the fuck was that about?

Fucking people, right, Jen?

Jesus.

All right, let's try to call that Kmart.

I don't think I ever got to call that Kmart machine.

And here we're going to ask how the action is in the bathroom.

Because people, like, you can have gay anonymous sex in the bathroom sometimes.

I am?

It's called cottaging where you're from.

Cottaging.

Jay-Z is front and line.

Nunu is a big fan.

I'm going to get some drinks.

Jen, you're against Apple products.

I heard you say earlier, did you know that PCN's podcast is on Stitcher?

You can get your podcast fixed there.

If you don't have an Apple machine, we don't like to use it.

Fuck Apple.

I don't even want to find ways around using Apple.

Hello, honey.

How are you?

Hi.

Hi, honey.

hi um my friend and i were calling to see how the action is in the bathroom before we go down there

what do you mean um on the website grope dope.com your kmart the men's bathroom and your kmart is

one of the highest rated uh on the island for um anonymous uh gay sex like cruising so we like

sometimes we go down there and it's busy there's a lot of guys you know mess you know fooling around

But sometimes we've been in there, you know,

and just waited for like over an hour, and it's awkward, you know,

and no one ever showed up.

And, you know, if we're going to kiss and touch and hold each other,

we'll do that at home because we're in a relationship.

We don't need to go to the bathroom in Kmart to do that.

So can you send a man in there maybe just to see how the action is

or any of the regulars there today?

I'd rather not.

Okay.

Why?

Why not?

Maybe loss prevention could check for us.

Okay.

shit sorry

you're fine

I said

I have a friend

damn it

oh yeah you did say it

now you're pissing me off

man I'm getting some

Oakley prescription sunglasses

yeah

like

yeah it sucks

are you like that guy

from X-Men

Cyclops

um

yeah

thanks for saying it like that

I appreciate it

oh he's cool though

he's a badass

he's an asshole

hello

yeah hi

um

hi

so can you help us out please

Jim was gonna add

no

Jim's gonna add something

what

excuse me

why can't you help us

Can loss prevention help us?

I don't understand.

Why will you not help us?

I'll give you some money.

She's disgusting.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Come here for a second, baby.

Come here.

Hold on.

Jamba Juice, I don't like that chain.

I'm not going to even touch them.

I don't want to give them any plugs at all on this show.

And the same goes for Starbucks.

No, Starbucks.

I like to mess with them.

Let's see how the action is at Starbucks.

Do you fancy a bum, Jin?

Yeah, I do fancy a bum.

Come in next.

M to the A to the S to the K

Put the mask on the face

Just to make it next to me

Jin, do you put some spit down there

before you go in for your first thrust

when you're with the old lady?

No, I don't usually need it.

She's pretty wet.

Yeah, but it helps out if you put it on YouTube.

Depends how I'm going in, you know?

Yeah.

Sometimes I use a bit of spit.

She doesn't like that, though.

She wants us to get lube next to the bed.

Oh, she's real dry.

She's got a dry cunt.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God.

Don't answer that, please, and I apologize to Mr.

No, no, no, she'll probably listen to this and laugh.

Aloha, thank you for calling White Kelly Starbucks.

Hey, shut up.

I'd like to make an order.

We can do order for travelers.

Okay, I'm a traveler.

Are you going to order a coffee traveler?

Yep, that's right.

Okay.

I want one hot, one coffee, one hot, hot.

I want it hot.

It's just going to be a coffee traveler,

so it's going to be 96 ounces of hot coffee.

96 ounces of hot coffee?

Yes.

How much caffeine would that be then?

It's going to, it's 96 ounces, so it's going to be about a gallon of coffee.

All right, but there's 48 grams of caffeine per ounce of your coffee.

I'm actually not too sure about that, but it could be, right?

Yeah, no, that's what it says on the internet.

Okay, so this, that, what I was calling about for real was the bathroom, the men's room.

How's the action there today?

I'm sorry?

How's the action in the men's room today?

Sir, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I do feel uncomfortable with what you're asking.

No, well, wait a minute now.

Let me explain, please, okay?

You guys are in the Kmart Plaza there, right?

Yes.

Okay.

This is the right one, yeah.

On grope dope.com, you guys are rated one of the highest on the island for gay cruising in the restroom.

It's one of the highest rated cruising spots.

I'm going to hang up on you.

But it has, like, the most stars.

She actually told you she was going to do that.

Oh, brilliant.

That's what the British do all the time.

That's you guys.

I'm going to hang up.

Do not call again.

Do you know what time it is?

Yo.

Do you know what time it is?

Group Dope.

Shit, we should get some UK numbers.

Oh, you can get those from Dashy.

Trusted Source, Dashy.

Dad, she has a machine.

It's called the Jim Stewart machine.

No, Jim, General Awesome, did he ever get with you?

He made a pretty good Jim Stewart soundboard, actually.

He did?

I don't think I have a copy of it at the moment, but it's out there, and it's really funny.

Somebody made one of my normal voice or one of my other ones.

I don't know.

You gave your blessing to it, and someone, General Awesome.

yeah I think it was my normal voice

and there was something about me sticking something in my ass

or something like that

well yeah there was an episode

where you kept saying gas in my ass

you kept talking about that on one of my shows

and I pointed out to General Awesome

hey this show has a lot of good jing quotes

talking about his ass and he said alright cool

he chopped it up he added more to it

okay yeah somebody just shared it in the chat room

I'm downloading it thanks

it had you talking about your

I'll put the gas in my ass

kept saying that

It was a whole episode

I called it

It was titled

Alright fuck the camera

The Starbucks

We called the episode

Gas in my ass

So that tells you right there

You want some wankers?

We can do some wankers

I got the wankers

You did?

Yeah we're gonna go with

The last name Phillips

And we're gonna look in

The town of Branson

Browser's going to

Let me know

I did a weird

selecting thing with the mouse

and I fucked it up.

Thank you.

I'm reloading the page

and it's just sitting there.

It's not reloading.

Good, good.

That's what it's on.

Oh my freaking God.

It's been one of those nights, man.

I've got this

soundboard.

I'm listening to it.

Yeah.

I think there have been some calls with it too

I do say again

You gave your blessing to this on the air

I think you're awesome

I think he's the one that asked you

You said yeah yeah sure

Yeah yeah yeah it's funny

But it was played on some shows

Actually I think I hit you up with a whatsapp once

Because I was listening

Oh yeah and it was in the back

That's right

Good stuff man

Zughead

One of my old fans

We actually met up in real life

Because we go way back

He was one of my earliest fans

And he made a song

At one point

And I swear the first time I listened to it

I was in tears with laughter

It was really really good

I gotta try and find it again

It was really good

Alright cool

Hey this is A Carter

A as in Evan

A Carter

Well hey A Carter

Okay.

It's me.

It's my phone.

It's 5 a.m.

It's brilliant.

I really want to put it off

on a Monday morning.

Fuck off, man.

Fuck off.

No fucks are good.

Would you like more Carters?

Yeah, yeah, car, yeah.

Car, man.

What?

What is it?

Welcome to BT Answer 1571.

The problem is more with that campground here.

Maybe there's a Patel or some, I don't know what, some Bengali surname.

Popular Bengali surname.

Patel is like really fucking popular.

Bengali.

I'm just looking for cities with Patels right now.

Found one.

I have an M Patel.

Try Dutta as well.

D-U-T-T-A.

Dutta.

All right, I'll do that now.

Well, let's try the Patel.

Yeah, Patel.

And then I'll do Dutta.

This shit was ill, man.

It was ill.

Yo, bullets everywhere, guns, smoke.

Jokers falling off their porches, they're shooting.

Hello?

No.

All right, no problem.

Here go those Duttas.

And that was D-U-T-T-A, right?

Yeah.

Look around here.

Margam.

Never heard of Margam.

Found one.

Eduta.

Man, you got quiet.

Did you get all dabbed out?

Did you go in the fetal position?

Honey baby.

Welcome to Sky voicemail 1571.

Sky.

I hear Sky often.

Looking for random cities here.

Can you give me a city?

Do you have a city that I should do London or something?

Yeah, I would suggest London.

and um

Hampstead on E

look at

look at Ealing

Ealing

with an E

yeah Ealing yeah

with an E

how's that spelled

E-A-L

I-N-G

U at the end

no no

being stupid.

I got to reload the page again.

Something's going on.

My fault.

My fault again.

I'm going to be taking out a lot of stuff from this episode.

Well, don't take out the music, though.

That's pretty good.

Well, I can't.

The problem is my fear is, you know, copyright shit, you know, getting takedown.

Ah, right.

Yeah, I got to have some due diligence with it.

Ealing, you said then, though, right?

E-A-L?

E-A-L-I-N-G.

Eli and...

Well, you could try...

I think Hammersmith is for the Asians.

Ealing.

Confirmed.

No results in Ealing for Guta.

Any Patels in Ealing?

Let me try and find some.

Found a bunch of Patels.

One, two, three, four, five Patels.

Dropping a list in there for reference.

Going to start with the first one, which is Bias and Bravo Patel.

Okay.

Bravo Patel.

Oh, hey, I almost forgot to say...

Uh, everyone here, you know, big Star Wars fan.

Uh, tomorrow during Monday Night Football is the premiere of the, uh, next trailer for the Star Wars movie.

Looks like it has a lot of cool scenes in it.

I'm super excited.

That's gonna be tomorrow night.

Yes.

Uh, yeah, the poster was released today.

Really?

The poster was released today, yeah.

The, in the background, you can tell the, the, there's an ice planet that's been gouged out.

This is an answering machine.

Thank you.

It looks like a new version of the Death Star, but it's not.

If you pay attention, it's actually an ice planet that they've built the Starkiller base on,

which is the climax of the episode.

It's going to be the not rebel attack, the resistance attack against the Starkiller base

because it's basically like a planet-sized Death Star.

Kind of like a...

It can destroy suns, I think.

It doesn't just destroy planets, it allows for the entire sun system.

Yeah, Mrs. Patel, how are you?

Do you know what time this is?

Yeah, it's 10 to 5 in the morning.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's very important.

What are you doing?

Your head!

Oh my God, ring it back.

Oh, perfect.

Welcome to voicemail.

The person you are calling will receive a message after the tone.

Hello, get off my head.

What are you doing?

Your international call cannot be completed as dialed.

Weird.

Okay, we'll try all this again.

Who was on your head?

A cat or you just saying something?

No, no, she was on my head.

There's another Patel.

Yeah, fuck it.

I abandoned that Patel.

Did you give me another city, was it?

Hammersmith, Hammersmith.

Let me just, just one second, right?

I'm going to look for

Hamas

Most

In the meantime

Looking at Patels

I have

Quite a few

We have another

Bravo Patel

This one in Hammersmith

Whitechapel

Yeah Ali

Is a good surname

Ali

A-L-I

Really for

for uh hindus yo it's too late i chose my destiny you know the first time i got drunk like really

drunk was listening to this album yeah my uh my parents would once a month they would go to this

they were super catholic and they were in these like special classes that non-clergy can take

to gain like posts within the church they're basically like like professional lay persons

they both took it and it required them to spend a week and a month for four for like three years

at a retreat site so i would always stay with my either my friend tommy or my friend jeff over the

weekend and all we did was get into trouble and like they both lived in the same like in the same

neighborhood i live further away but i would either stay at one of their places so we would

would always hang out just like once a month it was like a whole weekend and all we did was

fucking like do shit we weren't supposed to do we would take the bus into town and just like

fucking we'd like shoplift and we'd fucking drink we drink beer at the park late at night

shit oh my god we were stupid we used to go like knocking doors at two in the morning waking people

up and there was a guy the guy came out super angry about it and he was ripping his grass up

I remember in this front lawn, this garden, as you would say, he was saying, what the fuck, what the fuck, and he was like ripping pieces of, it's fucking Bermuda grass, yeah, yeah, and then my, Tom was like, I swear to God, he was coming out with a gun, he came out like in a bathrobe, he was like, you had a gun, you had a gun, like, oh, he didn't, dude, I don't know, but then we hit in the woods, and the cop came, he was shining his lights in the other side of the woods, we're like, oh, shit, but we were able to get in through the back door,

We're at Tommy's house

And we stayed like

We were super scared all night

Hello

Hello Mr. Patel

How are you

Are you kidding me

Do you know how early this is

What is this

What do you mean what is it

How are you

How are you doing

Who is this

Mr. Stewart

Who

From where

But did I

Whitechapel

Did I wake you

Yes from Whitechapel

Yes you woke me

What is this

But I wanted to wake you up

Just so you know

To have a chat with you

You are kidding me

Why not

You are absolutely joking with me again

How have you got my number

I got it from

On letsbegay.com.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, man.

Yeah, listen, chat room, Steve and Saturday,

no, this is not the sun crusher from the extended universe.

Remember, the EU is, for the most part, dead.

This is the star killer base, is what it's called.

It's not the same kind of concept.

Because from what I understand,

the sun crusher was just the laser component of the Death Star by itself.

But this is an actual planet that does something else.

i don't know if they're i don't think they're moving the planet i guess maybe they just

can aim it a certain way depending on what orbit it's in i think that's how it works i don't know

but it's kind of like a new take on the whole you know the new hope where they go to the i

can say this stuff now right it's in the trailer i'm not spoiling it i suppose i i mean it's it's

a spoiler for one more day and it's not even the movie i'm spoiling it's in the fucking poster

right now big fucking base obviously okay it's gonna be the end of the fucking movie when they

They go to the base and try to put, hello, what else is new?

It's not like, which I've already reported on for months now, which will happen.

I'm going to have to beep that out of the episode.

Mark that, 11.57 p.m. Eastern.

I'm going to have to beep that out.

Again.

Woo.

All right.

I'm going to stop that because these guys are going to spoil Walking Dead for me tonight.

I'm going to get mad.

You don't watch that, do you, Jen?

You don't even like TV that much.

I do actually like some TV, but not that specific.

I've got a bunch of shows that I watch

Limitless is really good

it's a new show

I heard that shit

Blindspot, Arrow, Blacklist

The Player is really good

it's a new show

yeah

you ever see The Simpsons

do they have that over there

oh fucking Simpsons

that was making up shit

they have Red Lobster over there

they have Red Lobsters

Red Lobster

Do you have the restaurant Red Lobster over there?

No, probably not, right?

Actually, I'm allergic to crustaceans.

Oh, good, good.

Crustaceans.

Because you're Jewish or because you can't really have them?

No, I can't eat it.

I get very, very violently sick.

Will you die?

No, I just shit and puke all over the place.

Okay, so if we wanted to make something that might make you sick.

Just give me some prawn or some scampi or something like that.

Any crustaceans, I'll be fucked.

Prawn, when you say it like that, it sounds like that movie District Whatever.

Whatever, so...

Yeah, District 13, yeah.

Mr. Stewart.

Was it District 9?

Mr. Stewart.

District 9, yeah.

Yeah, District 9, yeah.

When the fuck is District 10 coming out?

I've been talking about that motherfucker for like a decade.

Oh my god.

No, he made another movie, but it wasn't...

It was Chappie.

You remember?

No, I'm not sure.

Yeah, yeah, he made another movie called Chappie.

It was really, really good.

But the guy...

The same director and writer.

But it was obviously not Alien.

And for some reason, everyone at work argued with me the other day that Jurassic World

was a brilliant movie.

Oh, shit.

shit i thought it was shit i was i laughed i would if i was if i wasn't with family i would

have gotten up and walked out of it for the end of it and that's a distinction i share for only

a few moves that i walked out of and i've talked about this before i want regalia again

the short list of movies i've walked out of but yeah i didn't like it uh patel

she called the same guy back i could work my way back up the list to see if i can

i should have made a note

We'll call them all

They have a prawn man

Are you the kind that you can get

There's a pen you can get

That you can take and still eat the stuff

Oh yeah the like antihistamine

The epi pen

Hello Mr Patel

Yeah I'm telling you

I need to get you know I'm sick

I had one of these fucking you know

I'm allergic to like prawn and scampi

And all this shit you know

And I need to get like a pen from you

you know you can stick it in my ass and then i will be okay hello mr patel i'm telling you

no no i think he's uh i think that was the guy though right would you like his number just case

you don't want to yeah i know you don't care why did i bring it up like we're being casually

friendly what was the name again

Again, Buta, Huta, Buta.

Duta.

Or Ali.

Now you want Ali.

A-L-I.

A-L-I, yeah.

Ali.

And Hammersmith.

We're looking.

I found a bunch.

I found an A-L-I.

Oh, no, Whitechapel.

Look in Whitechapel, because Whitechapel has the highest population of Bangladeshis.

I found that.

Oh, okay.

Let's do that.

Shit, I did the fucking select thing.

Dash, something up with your tool, man.

I accidentally double-clicked the city selection drop-down list.

It freezes the whole motherfucker

Can't send in a bunch of numbers too

That's good

We're going to hold off

For those till the break

Which is going to come here

In a little bit

I know we took a 14 minute break

For Crazy Fucker

But next is the real break

For our paid sponsors

Who pay to be on the show

We'll get there again

Alright I'm sorry

What was that name

Of the town again sir

Whitechapel.

Just A-L-I.

A-L-I.

Got him.

Posting up here for you real quick.

In case you need a name or an address.

We're going with the first one, which is A-A-L-A.

A-A-L-A.

A-A-L-A, how are you?

I'm fine

Are you doing hand puppets?

Hello

Yeah yeah hello Mrs Ali

How are you?

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the telephone

Why?

How are you doing this morning?

Why are you calling me this morning?

Yeah

Are you from Bangladesh you?

Oh he's getting huge back there

Hang the phone

Oh my god

Holy shit

Hello

Hello, Ms. Ali, let me talk to your man, please.

Let me talk to the man.

Okay, tell me.

Yeah, tell me.

Here's a different Ali.

I swear, like, I would swear at a man, though,

because there's different ways, like, to say, like, dog.

You would say kutti.

Male dog.

Ali, when you're talking to a male, you swear at them differently.

Yeah, like in Spanish.

I should say puta or puto.

Eh.

The A being feminine.

Welcome to Sky Voicemail 156.

But it's with everything.

I'm really bad at it, so I'll use the wrong one.

Because, you know, being my primary language being English,

it's hard for me to determine, you know,

which words are going to be described femininely.

Ah, yeah.

Masculino or femenino.

People make fun of me all the time.

I'm poor to look.

Oh, he says it's funny.

Forget it, he's stupid

He's raised soft

He's not real Puerto Rican like us

They say in my family

I'm not gonna call him or say hi

Yeah, Ms. Patel, how are you?

Ali, it was Ali

Ali, Ali

Mira, you said Ali

You asked specifically for Ali

I'm sorry

It's been an off night, we're having fun

Still gonna take that break, I'm still gonna go a little late tonight

Had some more caffeine

You're more than welcome to stay

Yeah, I love to have you.

Milkman, of course.

But I do need to get some sleep.

Someone hit me up on Facebook asking,

is this Jin Stewart?

Welcome to the EE.

Oh my god, really?

There's some other sport.

I know Jin isn't really an archer,

but I know he's an Olympic guy,

so he's an Olympic athlete.

I never got to Olympic level.

I trained with an Olympic team,

but I never got to an Olympic level.

That was all bullshit.

I played up this whole time.

The people really picked that shit.

He really has medals

He's just too kind to show it to anybody

He's modest

He had the archery medal from the tip of the archery thing

Fucking archery

The arrow went up his ass

He shot it up in the air straight

He's a world champion

He's so modest he doesn't want anybody to know

But we do love him man

We love him so much

He just shot the arrow up straight in the air and went

Hello

Hello, Miss Ali.

How are you?

Yeah, yeah.

Hanji?

Hello.

Namaskar, namaskar.

Hello.

No, I think she killed it, man.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think she half hung it up.

Did you say Haji real loud?

Is that a thing?

Yeah, I said Hanji,

but Hanji means pardon.

So when you don't understand

what someone's saying,

I actually do this now in real life,

and people say to me,

what?

They'll say something,

I'll be like, Hanji?

It's funny as hell.

Oh, man.

I use machines all the time.

Like, I say machine, this machine, that at work.

No, I mix random Bengali words in every now and then.

I did yell at someone at work, and I called them a horse, and they looked at me like, what?

It's okay.

You're a horse.

Harking about for the last three hours.

We're going to take a break.

When we come back, Dwight sent in numbers.

Don't worry.

We got more of these Patels and Allys.

Jin may be around because he has to do something.

How long is the break?

Uh, maybe like six.

Six, so, you know, you know how I want it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all right.

I'll stick around.

But let's see.

I think, give it another hour and then I'm done.

Good, good, good.

Milkman, you're going to be on still or you're going to dip out?

You're going to go back to work or you're going to hang out with us still, buddy?

Milkman, you're done.

What's going on, Jim?

You're hanging out?

Yeah, for another hour or so, I'll stick around.

Yeah, man, yeah, patch me in for a little while longer, dude.

All right, I'll keep you on.

As long as you can stand, I'll keep you on.

Okay, baby, thanks, man.

Yeah, we'll open up any of our Skype friends want to join in, any of the Madhouse, rather the Prank Call Nation staff.

Man, I'm real off today.

Any of the PCN staff or friends want to join up, you know, do some pranks.

Help me out because I've been here.

If it wasn't for Jen, the show would be really bad right now.

Oh, come on.

The show is shit because of her.

Yeah, and not the best luck with the numbers either, man.

Yeah, it's too bad.

You guys have really been trying.

Yeah.

I mean, we have been, and not against numbers.

It's just bad luck, yeah.

You know, sometimes you get good numbers, sometimes you get bad numbers.

It just happens.

We're at the mercy of the phone gods, really, the number gods.

Yeah, I mean, I know they're trying to get good numbers.

We just haven't been lucky tonight.

Yeah, but listen, look, I got a ton of Patels, including J. Patel, N. Patel, M. J. Patel, B. Patel, and K78 Patel.

I don't know.

Is Khan the one that works?

Khan, is that a name they use?

Oh, yeah, Khan, yeah.

Khan Noonien Singh, we can call him up.

Like K-H-A-N, that's one way.

Yeah, Planet Fitness, we got here also to call.

We've got a few Planet Fitnesses.

I know a Shit Kong.

S-H-E-K-A-N-G.

Shit Kong.

Viet Kong.

Shit Kong.

All right.

Anyway, I'll be back in just a few minutes.

Please don't go anywhere.

Thank you.

What you saw was the rough, rugged, and bold.

You're listening to Madhouse Live in the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Bye-bye, all you niggas die.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

That when you die, they put your GPS in your box door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom,

you check the GPS, and you go straight down.

This radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

thank you sons of bitch you're made here and are still with me here tonight

i am continuing this show despite uh despite whatever um this is the madhouse radio machine

keep in mind i am also on tiny chat tinychat.com slash prank call nation over there you can enjoy

Enjoy yourself.

Look at me.

Look how stupid he is.

Look how stupid he looks.

Jen Stewart might be here still.

Jen, are you still here, man?

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here.

All right.

Yay, yay.

Do you like fruitcake?

I'm sure.

I don't even know what that shit is.

I like plum cake.

Oh, that sounds good.

Does it have plums in it?

Or is it just called that?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a crumble with plum on top.

It's fucking amazing.

So I heard of a bread and butter pudding.

Now, is that good?

Have you had it?

Yeah, yeah, I've tried that.

It's not bad.

It's extremely unhealthy.

Is it sweet or savory?

It's good, yeah.

Is it sweet, like a sweet dish?

It's sweet, yeah, it's sweet.

It's a sweet dish.

And you make it with bread, butter, and like what, sugar maybe?

No, custard.

Custard, which is like an egg kind of thing.

Actually, I don't know.

Is it egg?

Is it egg-based?

I think it is.

How do you make custard?

I stink so.

I'm just randomly going through...

Isn't his big dick based?

hey dude uh i i keep hearing about cream hey ken's here big dwight listen dwight i haven't

heard yet i didn't get to hear you but i keep hearing about the fucking so what happened she

a woman called you repeatedly to rebuke you for oh yeah yeah hang on a second we had uh

called her earlier in the night and uh well no she called us because we did the incomings and uh

Uh, basically when she answered, I asked her if I could tug on her tits.

And, uh, so she like, she got really pissed off and she thought it was this guy named Brian.

So I'm playing with him.

Like, yeah, this is Brian.

I was like, you know, let me tug on them titties and just fucking with her.

Well, she calls back like four or five times, like yelling and rebuking us and calling for Satan or not Satan, but for Jesus that, uh, the, the demons are all around you, Brian.

Brian, you can't be doing this.

Because we were talking about, you know, Brian was getting fucked in the ass and stuff.

What turns out this Brian character is her son.

Oh, so she thinks it's her son, like having all this fucking gay sex.

Oh, my God.

Is she all involved in it?

And so she's screaming at the top of her lungs.

I rebuke you.

And so, like, I'm sitting there playing mom.

Pray for me, mom.

She's just screaming, don't you mom me and all this shit.

didn't she was just going absolutely crazy and she kept calling back every time we would hang up on

her god damn and like the last hour like we would i'm like oh we got another income i rebuke you

so this whole time i thought she was just saying it she's mad at you she thought you were her son

doing this for some reason she thought the number that she called back was her son and you know

we're talking about this fucking gay orgy and shit and if we can get her in on it and she was

She was like, you know, she thought we were holding her son hostage.

She was sending cops to his house, is what she claimed.

Okay.

But, yeah, she just kept calling back and yelling, and it was really fucking funny.

Okay, okay.

Because, you know, Dashie found her Facebook, so we had, like, her name and stuff.

All right, I'll have to check that out tonight.

I'll listen to the rest of it before I go to bed.

Yeah, it's like the last hour is where she goes fucking ape shit.

Okay.

All right, so you sent in Patels.

Are these off of the Dashie tool also?

Yeah, I saw a bunch of them.

Yeah, I see that.

Jen, you want to keep trying Patels?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Let's do it.

I figured something to do.

They seem to be picking up at least so far, for the most part.

Milkman, are you here?

Did we keep Milkman?

Yeah, I'm here, man.

He's roasting himself.

Roasting his lungs up.

Yeah, I'm handling White Widow for you, bro.

Got that Widow.

jim you did a prank call to homegrown and you kept asking him if he had that widow

hi you're through to mamami by chat i'm sorry we are not here to take your call

dude time stamp out and that's a good one to record man to fuck with later man

i got it i'll mark it with a check a big check right there on the big board

yeah that was a good one right there that'd be good that we didn't get disturbed

jen patel j as in jen yeah as in jen shit fuck shit damn it shit shit out my ass oh hey what's

up man hey what's up dude it's good it's good to be here i need some more element carbon i've got

got plenty of elements element of surprise you're the most abundant element though that's true i'm

inside everything yeah we had a lot of call cannot be taken at the moment so please leave your

message oh hey uh miss patel we were just trying to call you it was a wind up uh all right good

night why is it this oh yeah matt had like those crazy uh uh fucking what were those people

illegal worker phone numbers yeah oh man those are fucking great a lot of them i just remember

I remember when we just hung up like immediately as soon as they were like illegal worker or whatever.

When he said that, click.

So again, check out that last episode of Matt's podcast.

That's on iTunes and Stitcher.

Anyway, every show on PCN has its own feed.

And for the most part, they're all submitted to iTunes.

I think there was one that got declined because of the language in the description that I grabbed off the website.

I think I already fixed that.

I forget which one it was.

Everyone, Macron, Dwight, you're on there.

You've been on there for a while, actually.

The reason I'm bringing that up is we need reviews.

If you're an iTunes user, or I think with Stitcher, too, you can leave reviews if you listen on there.

Or if you wouldn't mind subscribing to us either on iTunes or Stitcher.

And the links are at prankcallnation.com on the right-hand side.

Whatever page you're on, you can see the link.

There's a big iTunes one and a Stitcher.

But specifically that iTunes one has a little note there that says it asks you to please leave a review.

That helps out because it kind of just gives more weight to the podcast a little bit.

I'm not saying that we're anywhere near ever coming to the point where we're going to be like a featured podcast on the front.

But it helps our cause a little.

Reviews look good.

Reviews pay the bills, if you know what I'm saying.

Not that we're advertising yet, but maybe in the future PCN would decide to do that.

yeah and

the future

is something.

While we talk about that, everyone,

the first episode of

Calls of Mass Confusion,

which is the project that Jaiad is spearheading

with the cooperation

preparation of uh mr rbc pre bag carter uh dwight and myself uh we've had some fun with those

ken did you have any new stuff that you did with him lately at all ken walk away he's not even here

shit my shit hello hey hello mr patel hello we had a patel we had a patel on the line and i

fucked it up oh sorry it's like we were fishing and we caught a fish finally after a long time

and I went

and I like

I don't think

you wanted to

play ball

yeah

damn

great job

Carlito

thanks a lot

I think he only

wants to talk

to back

that was the

worst boy scout

I never learned

the time to tie

any of the knots

I found ways

around I found

a loophole in

the boy scout

pamphlet that

let me get like

all these badges

without ever

having to

actually learn

knot tying

and i had all these fucking i was like the only dude in like the whole entire region that refused

to learn his knots because i totally sucked at it i got sat down at a camp once by like an

intervention team of not tires and like you will learn or you're gonna have to leave we'll learn

how to do these knots you're not gonna leave this table until you learn how you're not gonna be able

able to get dinner go back to the tent i'm like fuck and he finally gave up on me i tried it i

finally i think it was i think it was a square knot i never learned it's a square knot and i

could never do it i kept making a grandma a grand granny knot i think like i would do it and they

said no granny not try again and i tried and tried and tried never never got it ever ever

to the point where the boy scouts gave up on me or at that point it was the cub scouts

they just gave up on you yeah what kind of is like he's like the retard that can't tie any knots

yeah that was me hey um i i clipped a short uh part of that rebuking lady if you want to play

a short clip okay yeah i gotta send it over to you i made it short it's real rough but i'm gonna

put it all on youtube she was fucking hilarious yeah send it over please yeah just convert convert

I'm just getting the proper folder to drop it in ahead of time now that I'm thinking about it

before I start yammering and stammering.

And masturbating.

I do that a lot during shows.

You pig.

Yeah, so what do you think of that soundboard?

You have to click downloads.

Are you cool with it still? Nothing upsets you?

I don't know, nothing would.

But what do you think about that soundboard of you, Jen Stewart?

Is it weird to you?

hear that you're i like it i think it's funny there's some funny bits in there didn't you make

a soundboard of ted webb and had him prank oh fuck no i did we used to hang out me and ted and

a couple other guys we used to be on ventrilo and team speak a long time ago and um i mean for over

a year and then we were like we really got to know each other very well but then we'd often

have these weird conversations and there was one conversation where ted sort of was like uh started

talking about monkeys kill each other um and all this shit and i recorded the whole thing

because he went on a rant and he started talking about these monkeys so i recorded it

and then i called up an indian restaurant and um i played it to them and it was perfect

fucking timing it was just brilliant i was crying with laughter by the end of it it's really funny

i'll try and find it i'll give it to you general awesome played the sound or the uh the soundboard

of you during many of my shows like he just out of nowhere is like you know i need to put i need

to put something in my ass can you help me find something in my ass and i'm just like what the

fuck and a lot of people like morgan would be like what the fuck i thought that was jinn this

whole time like people would say that oh yeah they legit thought jinn was on the show they were

like who's fucking jinn he's just going crazy it just sounded like you were like really like

you're having a good time yeah like you might have been on some drugs or drinking you were

We're just fucking having a good time.

Coked out like fucking Scarface doing prank calls.

I actually love soundboards because I used to have so much fun recording people and then playing their shit back to them and playing it to other people.

Robinson Way is fucking epic.

Robinson Way, yeah.

I mean, the timing was just brilliant.

I really have to start doing that again because I was pretty good at that.

That's either two or three.

What is it?

Long parts.

It's two parts of that, right?

Or did you actually...

Yeah, there were three different ones that I'd recorded, three different sessions, and I split it.

And yours is much better than Noonan's.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know what it's like.

You took a lot of your Indian pranks and you cut them up to the restaurants.

Exactly, yeah.

Got them pissed off and then started playing those parts to Robinson Way.

And Robinson Way is some kind of credit collector, right?

Yeah, yeah, the debt collection agency, yeah.

Shit.

It's brilliant, yeah.

Oh, man.

because they call and harass people all the time

so why not

you were trying to call Chris earlier

you remember the other thing you kept asking about

you were looking for a hole saw so you could make glory holes

in the bathrooms

you were like telling that guy about the shit

you were doing to him like oh yeah Carlito tried to get a hole saw

to fucking fabricate some glory holes

yeah

and how about me asking for like a dense

cube of solid wood

like 5 foot by 5 what am I doing like making a big ass

wood sculpture or something

yeah i called them i called that same store and told them you were living back in the lumber

section too yeah you were on but like i was doing it all fair i'm like yeah he's back there he's got

a sleeping bag and some food all right we're gonna send people back there oh shit uh what what did

you what did we type what did you title this prank here that you said it's called uh produce produce

okay or produce okay yeah it's just a generic all right cool so that's perfect so i can go

It's getting cold in here

I'm going to shut this

I added Ted's thing to

Oh I see it

You don't do this

You do that

Isn't that something like that

It's like you do this

You don't do that

Yeah you don't touch this

You do touch that

Yeah that's what it is

Alright give me a second please

Stand by

Let's listen to this

Prank here

Blowing up the charts

Sorry about that

The lady was rebuking us

Trying to send us to hell

Who the fuck is this

For reals

I never got like

Who the fuck is this

Do you hear that crazy church bitch

It's demons from hell.

She's trying to send us to hell.

I'm trying to send you to hell, Brian.

You are in the clutches of demons.

And in the clutches of Jesus, I rebuked him.

I rebuked him.

Surround yourself with love right now because there are people who love you and these people don't.

They are full of demons.

In the name of Jesus, I will not stop it.

Jesus is the only thing that can save you from the demons you are with.

I curse him in the name of Jesus.

I curse him.

I call on Jesus to protect you right now.

If the only thing that can save you is the love of God in Jesus and the angels that can surround you, you are with demons.

Get those demons out of your life.

Get the demons out of your life, Brian.

In the name of Jesus, you are possessed by a demon.

I call on Jesus.

Jesus, I call on the name of Jesus right now.

Jesus is more powerful than the demon in you.

Jesus has the power.

Shut up.

No.

Shut up.

No.

Shut up.

I call on God to shut you up.

Jesus, you need Jesus.

You need the protection of God and his love.

Because you are outside of God, and that's insanity.

I've been there.

I know.

It's insanity.

You are living in insanity.

Get rid of these demons that are around you and the people who love you.

you. And get these demons out of your life.

It's too late.

On the name of

Jesus, nothing else

will help you right now.

Jesus doesn't live here.

He's the rock and the chair

and the surrounding of the angels of God

because you are living with demons

right now. They're right there, right now

with you. There are demons.

There's a person

who pretended to be you.

He's a demon.

He's a demon from hell, and only Jesus has power over demons from hell.

I'm taking Brian to hell with me.

You can laugh all you want.

But the power of God is more powerful than the demons you're surrounded with.

The power in the name of Jesus is more powerful than the demons you're surrounded with.

Listen to me.

Call on Jesus because he can suffer these demons.

You are surrounded with demons.

You need help.

You need to be saved from this.

You are living in hell right now.

There is no happiness in your life.

You are living in hell.

I know.

I've been in hell.

You can live in hell on this earth.

You are living in hell.

Jesus said he will rescue you from it.

You need to be rescued from the hell you're in.

You are in hell and you are surrounded by people who are giving their lives over to demonic forces.

These are demons.

These are the cell drugs.

We'll do over to demons.

Do you understand that?

Yes, demons come into their bodies.

No one talks like that person on the phone that talked to me earlier.

Nobody talks like that unless they're possessed by Satan.

Shirley, pray for me.

I'm serious.

No, don't Shirley me.

Shirley needs us to rescue my son.

He's in the clutches of evil.

That's for real.

He's surrounded by evil.

There is evil there.

And yes, I don't know about hell.

I don't know.

Never been there.

Except on this earth.

And I'm telling you what.

Jesus.

Jesus, I'm calling on Jesus and his angels to surround my son and protect him.

Because apparently he can't protect himself.

Mom, pray for me.

Pray for me, mom.

Good stuff.

Love it.

But that was her.

She kept calling like three, four, five times, fucking doing the same shit for like lengths and lengths of time to time.

God, yeah.

Well, I'm presuming that's on the fast track to YouTube, right?

Oh, yeah.

That's going to be going on there.

she uh i don't know that like my face just fucking dropped when she goes i'm calling on

the angels to protect my son i'm like oh fuck it's her son cool um get some fucking waiters

out of there yeah but just the fact that like she presumed that does she how do you not know

your own son's voice you know and from what you're the way you're explaining for an extended

period of time and she never ended up realizing it wasn't her son yeah i the the the shit that

I said to her before I realized

it was her son. You know, I'm talking

about getting her in on this fucking, like, four-man

orgy I got going on, and I want

to tug on her tits and fuck her and stuff,

but it turns out it's her son she thinks

is saying this shit to her. I was like,

oh, fuck.

Do we have any Twitter

complainers? No, the tool

was down. I had to actually

reactivate it, but probably not going to get

Twitter complainers tonight.

Like, it's something that were

from yesterday that might still be fresh

enough to call.

What's up with this Planet Fitness Eye? Anything new going on with that?

Those are all brand new. Brand new

openers. Oh, cool. Alright.

They're guaranteed to have not been fucked with.

Do you think we can get a lunk on again?

Oh, I'm pretty sure.

I'm good at

the survey, but not at the lunking.

To be honest with you. I'll do it.

If you get the lunk going, I'll gladly

go. To ensure the highest quality

service, this call may be...

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I might have to get you Planet Fitness's corporate number.

Corporate number, yeah.

That was just about to say that, corporate number.

Google's pretty good.

It shows that you're really big if you just put in, like, Planet Fitness corporate number.

Most numbers it does, like, really, that's the benefits of its Google Voice learning shit.

In this case, Planet Fitness.

We had that one girl, you might have heard her in the background of that one.

She stayed on the phone.

We were seeing just the weirdest shit.

And we had all of her shit from Facebook.

And, like, she wanted to know who it was.

I kept asking, like, how big her tits were and, like, all this different weird shit.

And she's like, I'm not telling you.

Who are you?

I was like, you don't want to answer my question.

I'm not telling you.

She stayed on the phone while that church bitch kept coming on, and she was defending the crazy bitch.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

All right.

I got to hear the rest of this then.

It got busy at the end of my shift today, and I had to stop it.

It's fucking people.

I feel so dirty now.

All right, guys.

I think I'm going to call it a night.

Okay.

Fuck.

Yeah, it's been fun.

Thanks, Jen, for helping out.

Yeah, thanks for having me on the show.

Thanks for carrying the show for helping me out, man.

Yeah, no problem, man.

Have a good rest of the show.

See you guys all soon.

See you later, man.

Bye.

Thanks, Jeff.

The party you are trying to reach is blocking your calls.

Were they blocking corporate?

No, they were blocking Skip.

Yeah, Skip.

You know Skip?

You heard of that?

Yeah, Skippy.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Haley.

How can I help you?

Hey, did you say your name was Haley?

Yes, sir.

Hi, this is Michael. I'm calling from Planet Fitness Corporate Headquarters over in Newington, New Hampshire. How are you?

I'm doing fine, sir.

Oh, I'm doing all right. Listen, I'm calling regarding an email that I got from the technical department, and they wanted me to check base with you to see if your alarm is working.

I'd be more than happy to check that for you, sir, if you'd like.

Sure, please. Thank you.

Okay, just give me one moment, sir. Would you like to be kept on the phone in order to hear it?

Yeah, please. I need audio verification.

Okay, no problem. Just give me one moment.

We're muted. She can't hear us. She went right into that, huh?

Yep.

Hello, Matthew. Are you apprised of the situation that I just explained to the young lady?

I'm not sure. Why don't you explain it to me?

Oh, okay. My name is Michael. I'm calling from the corporate office in New England, New Hampshire.

And I received an email from the IT department who wanted me to touch base with your location.

to make sure that your lung alarm is currently working

because they seem to have lost communication with it two days back.

So I was just looking for a quick test in an audio verification

so I can make sure that it is still active.

Okay, so what do you need me to do?

I just need it flipped down for a quick three seconds and shut off just so I can verify.

Do it. Hang on one second.

Thank you.

Yeah, I can definitely hear it.

The problem that we're having now is it's not registering back here on the computer system.

system uh the marketing department uses that information uh in order to you know put out

different ads and target different audiences and so what we need to do is a quick reset of the

lunk alarm what we're going to have you do is you're going to need to hold the lunk alarm

uh do you have the push button or the light switch model the what what the switch for the

lunk alarm is it the push button or is it like the light switch uh it's the light switch the

light switch what i'm going to have to do i'm going to remain on the phone and either you or

or your assistant, I don't remember the young girl's name, I'm sorry,

will need to hold that up while I monitor it from here.

It'll start out at 0%, and once it reaches 100%,

I will let you know, and you'll be able to shut it off.

Do I need to leave the lunk alarm on?

Right, I'm going to monitor the percentages from here,

and I'll let you know along the way where we're at.

Okay, in here.

No problem.

One second here.

I'll have you turn on the lunk alarm and leave it on until I tell you to stop.

Let me know when you're ready.

I'm sorry, the name is Michael, but that's okay.

Go ahead whenever you're ready.

Sorry, so let me know when you're ready.

I'm ready. Go ahead.

We're at 5%, approaching 11%, 16%.

Are you being serious?

I am being serious.

It's corporate. It's corporate.

They want us to leave the lunk alarm on because it's not registering at corporate.

Yes, that's what they're saying.

They want us to register it.

30%.

This sounds so ridiculous.

45%.

Mark, this is ridiculous.

I'm sorry?

Mike, this is ridiculous, and we have to do this right now.

Well, this is the slowest time of the day, sir.

No, it's not, actually, because it's 10 o'clock for us.

Okay, but rather than doing it at 5 or noon, it's a little easier to do it right now.

And you just stopped the alarm.

The percentages stopped and went back to zero.

Do I tell them it has less impact?

Yeah, so we actually just turned it on because our members were actually sitting here.

Okay, well, and again, while I had you on the phone,

I was also going to do a quick customer satisfaction survey

with either a white card member or a black card member.

And if they are a white card member, we can offer them three months free of the black card membership for doing a quick five-minute survey.

If they are a black card member, we can just extend their membership three months for free.

All right, Mike, we're not going to do that.

Okay, we're going to do this at night.

Can you call us back at that time so that way we can do it at that time?

Unfortunately, I will not be on at that time.

So can somebody else call us back at 2 a.m. our time?

When I leave here in 20 minutes, the office will be closed.

I mean, if we're having issues, if you give me just a moment, I can transfer you to my supervisor.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Give me just a moment.

I'm going to transfer you over to Mr. Cross.

This is Cross.

Is that Dwight?

How you doing?

What do you got, Dwight?

Listen, I got a Planet Fitness location here.

They had a monk alarm failure.

We reached 45%.

When they decided to go against the instructions, they shut it off,

and now they're trying to dictate what time of the day I should be calling in.

I should not.

Are they on the line right now?

Yeah, they're on hold.

Can they hear me?

No.

They can't hear us?

No.

Okay, so what's going on then?

They have a lung alarm failure.

I got an email from the IT department, and they were following instructions.

We got to reset process up to 45% when then another employee started arguing,

and they decided to stop the alarm and stop following instructions.

Well, they need to keep it on so it resets because if not, marketing doesn't get it.

And the reason we do this at this time of night

Is because it has less impact

There's less people there at this time of night

I understand, I tried to explain that to him

Well, they're fucking assholes then

What's this fucker's name?

I don't even remember his name

Alright, well, I want to talk to the motherfucker

Alright, I'll transfer minutes

Hello, this is Cross, how can I help you?

Yes, it is, how can I help you?

Yeah, and what is your first name?

Eddie

And your last name is Cross?

C-R-O-S-S, yes

C-R-O-S-S, and, uh, oh

So, and just so, and Eddie, just so the motherfucker is on the line, okay?

Excuse me, sir, please don't use that language.

Who am I speaking with?

You were going to hear it.

You're someone, you're working, you work for which location,

and you're using that kind of language with me?

No, I heard you on the other line, Eddie, the other line, that.

Oh, my God.

I can guarantee you, Eddie, you will be, somebody is going to be talking to you

about what you just said about us.

No, no, no, okay, look, I'm sorry, no, okay, look, look.

Eddie, I can tell you right now, I can tell you right now,

Now, you will be hearing from me.

We can make this go away.

In some way.

We can make this go away.

Please.

I'm not going to make this go away in any way.

I don't appreciate it.

I appreciate what you guys have done.

Sir, honestly, sir, you were supposed to be on hold, sir.

You were supposed to be on hold.

I will never say that to you, to your face or anything.

It's just been a really hard day.

It's Sunday.

It's irrelevant.

We had a software upgrade rollout that failed yesterday, and we've been working all weekend,

and that's why the lunk alarms aren't working on some of the newer locations.

I guess including yours.

Eddie, I don't appreciate it.

I don't appreciate the language to me.

We need to close this fucking ticket, man.

We need to get this shit fucking taken care of.

I mean, I'm serious, man.

This is supposed to be my second day off in a row that I've missed now.

This is fucking bullshit.

Eddie, do you just want to keep digging yourself a hole here, man?

Come on, just level with me, man.

What do I got to do?

I'm sorry, all right?

What do you want me to do?

It's irrelevant, Eddie.

It's over.

The damage is done, my man.

Whatever.

Why don't you make me schedule the fucking long-alarm bullshit, then?

This is how you're treating?

You know you're talking to the owner of the club, right?

I'm fucked now.

You're going to call back and call and rat me out.

So fuck it, then.

I hate this fucking company, and they record all the fucking calls.

They're going to fucking hear it, and they're a fucking piece of shit.

I'm walking out after this fucking call anyway, so I don't fucking care.

Go walk out, Eddie, because you're going to hear it from me.

I'm getting my shit right now.

Look, look, look.

I'm getting my shit right now.

Okay.

I don't give a fuck, motherfucker.

motherfucker i'm gonna get my bag ready and everything right now i don't give a shit

eddie i'll talk i'll talk to you later man that's fucking bullshit this fucking shit with you

people yeah and you fucking suck too why don't you fucking just do the fucking test like fucking

dwight needs to fucking do he's supposed to fucking do it right now motherfucker hopefully

they're recording this trust me i'm in it i know they record every single fucking call in the night

you're gonna hear it so yeah so fuck i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck i already fucked up

I already fucked up, so fuck it.

Fuck you, asshole.

It's your fucking fault.

Why don't you fucking do the test like you're fucking supposed to?

We do it late at night because there ain't so many fucking people fucking there.

Eddie, it's not late at night.

It's only 10 o'clock.

It's 10 o'clock here.

But we're in the East Coast.

I have a ton of members in here.

We're in the East Coast, right?

Why don't you call me at 2 o'clock?

Fuck it.

Why don't you call me at 2 o'clock Pacific time?

I'll call you back at 2.

All right, I'll call you back at 2.

We'll get it taken care of.

No, you're not calling me at all.

I don't want to talk to you.

I don't even want to hear from you.

It's going to be somebody else.

And until I get your supervisor on the phone, please don't call back my club or bother my employees.

Do you want the supervisor?

Don't even bother to pick up the phone.

I'll put you through the...

Because I'm going to be running the...

I'm going to be running the...

Because I don't know...

Yeah, wah, wah, wah.

Listen, okay, come on, look.

I'll put you through to the supervisor, please.

Please don't just fucking...

Please, sir.

I have children.

Please.

Come on, let me just get...

Mr. Dwight.

Hey, how you doing?

This is Dwight.

How can I help?

Yeah, listen, I have a very upset person, and he said he's going to rat me out.

You need to back me up on this, man.

Well, what's he upset about?

Because I said fucking and stuff like that, I got real pissed off at him.

Well, go in, and after we're done with this call, delete the record.

I can delete the call out of the nice recording system.

Yeah, we got to wait until we hang up.

It's not going to register in the system until we hang up.

Then I just look up based on the time of the call.

Yeah, we just referenced the telephone number.

And I can just delete it off, okay.

Right.

all right then fuck it all right all right thanks hello sir yep thanks for holding yeah uh my manager

said he doesn't give a shit so you know oh god that was great holy fuck yeah we uh dash he kept

saying we should go oh that was funny did you hear that milkman are you catching that are you

driving again yeah i don't believe it man it was absolutely fucking dreamful man thank you guys

I know those greats call him.

I love him.

The keeper.

This man approves, man.

That's beautiful.

Dude, he was on your side, Dwight, at first.

At first, yeah.

And he fucking turned.

The other guy convinced him.

At first, he's like, dude, this is corporate, man.

Are you kidding me right now?

Why are you arguing with me?

Kind of an attitude.

He claimed to be the owner of the club.

Why the fuck is the owner getting yelled at by one of his employees?

Yeah.

For a second, I thought it was a club member.

That's always funny.

Oh, yeah, pissing off the club members is always gold.

XYZ, did XYZ have the club member?

One of the club members, he had one once, right?

That's really funny.

The guy wanted to kick his ass over the phone.

Oh, yeah, you hear him bitching at the front desk people, and he's like, look, talk to him.

He's laughing.

He just sounds like a punk kid that works there or something, like saying that shit.

See, Neon's enjoying what I told you, just go ahead and delete the recording.

Just get rid of it.

I come out like, yeah, my marriage doesn't give a shit.

click all right here's the next one dwight you're ready to load yep sure harbin do you do these kind

of things he said he was the owner too so it really made it funny yeah yeah yeah yeah if you

can i mean i'm not good at like convincing him but you can pass it on to me all right we can pass

you today how you doing maya this is uh henry calling from the planet fitness corporate

headquarters in newington new hampshire oh hi how are you oh i'm doing just fine uh listen the

The reason I'm calling is I got a telephone call from the IT department a couple hours back

regarding communications with your LUNK alarm.

Apparently, they are getting a failure to receive from them.

Is your LUNK alarm working currently?

Do you know?

Let me go check it right now.

Thank you.

How's your night going?

It's not too bad.

Sounds like it's working to me.

Okay.

I definitely hear it operating.

What we're going to need to do, we're going to have to do a reset of the LUNK alarm.

What that involves is I'm going to have you turn the lunk alarm on and leave it on while I monitor it from back here.

And what it's going to do is it's got a little sliding scale, and it'll go from 0 to 100.

And I just need that to go to 100 before we shut it off.

Okay, so you just want me to turn it on and leave it on?

Yeah, if you just go ahead and turn it on and come back to the phone, and I'll keep you informed of where we're at as far as the percentages.

Okay.

So just go ahead and do that whenever you're ready.

All

right we're at uh five percent ten percent we

are now at 14 percent 21 percent 35 percent 42 percent 50 percent 51 percent 42 percent are you

still there ma'am are you still there yes i'm still here okay i i have another call coming

and just keep that going okay okay i'll be right i'll be right back with you you're still there

yes i'm still here okay yeah we're at uh we're at 56 percent um i'll be back i gotta check back

back in on this call okay be right back ma'am okay uh we're at uh 61 okay all right we're we're

getting there we're a little over halfway okay is it a busy night there it's busy for us how many

people do you would you estimate you have probably about 20 in the building right now 20 all right

we're at 68 um i'm gonna i'm gonna go on a lunch break and i'll be back in like 10 minutes so just

Just keep it going.

90%.

Yes, we're at 92%.

I'm sorry?

We're at 92%.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ma'am, ma'am, are you still there?

Yeah, I'm here.

Anyone go near the switch because we had a fluctuation and went back down to 83.

Don't go near the switch.

Leave the switch alone.

Don't let anyone hover.

It can infect it.

Is there any way that we can test this maybe another time?

I think it's starting to disrupt the members.

Unfortunately, this is the best time to do it.

I can't be calling at noon or 5 o'clock when we're at peak hours.

Okay.

All right, 85%, 87%, 89%, 90%.

I'm still here.

Okay, 93%.

Okay, it's dropping again.

Is somebody on a cellular telephone or something?

No.

Okay, it's acting like there's wavering, like there's an electronic cell phone with the Wi-Fi connected, and it's affecting it.

I don't know.

It could be a member.

They use their phones in here sometimes.

times oh uh have someone walk around and make sure they're not using the phones because we're

getting some uh some wiggle in the wires okay give me one second yeah yeah just go ahead sorry

about that oh no problem about that oh yeah it's not the fire alarm yeah i'm really sorry about

this but uh it said we had to get this taken care of oh it's fine it's a little loud it scared me at

first but you're not going pretty good yeah well usually there's no one here at like this late but

But I don't know if there's a Sunday or what, but like 10, 12, 15 people here maybe.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, a little busier than normal.

Yeah.

We're at 75%, just to let you know.

Do what?

We're at 75%.

Oh, okay.

The reset, yeah.

You might be able to put a little smile on their face if you just yell incoming.

It might make them smile.

Who knows?

That would be funny.

But I don't know most of them because they come in, they're regulars.

Oh.

We're at 80%.

83%.

The IT said that it wasn't working?

Yeah, they lost communication with it.

The marketing department is the one that alerted IT because they used the information how often the Lunk Alarms used and for what duration.

For marketing and research purposes, I don't know what they do on their end with it.

But they put us in charge of calling and getting them reset.

I don't know anything about it.

I have no idea.

We're at 90%.

We're at 92%.

Yeah, I'll let you know when we hit 100.

93%

The last 10% always seems to take the longest

Right

94.5

Oh who deactivated it

We got a waiver here

What happened

Hello

Oh did they shut off

I think it fucking took a shit

And I'm thinking too these new places might have some pretty robust ones still

I love burning the motherfuckers out

Those little motherfuckers

I went by one the other day

I was going into a store and there was one next door

and I just looked at the side and I just started chuckling to myself

did it quit working?

oh yeah

let's call him back

I lost communications

he thinks so I don't think it did I think they just like fuck it

I wonder how long that was

that was pretty long that was good

I've had a 13 minute one before

98.6%

that's what I was going to go for next

we're getting pretty good on the YouTubes

I'm like 93

three subs away from hitting that

1,000. Cool.

Yeah.

Yep, 95. We're at 905

subscribers. Good deal.

Here's the next one.

No, this is the next one here.

I might do this short so we can

do the survey.

No, Dwight, we went to 94%.

I think you left your finger off for just a second, buddy.

Yeah, I was at the next

one. I was like, I'm going to say 98.6.

I did that on a webcam

cam prank i said you're tuned in to 98.6 the mouth and started doing the weather yeah yeah

that's a woman that freaked out she called her husband right no no they were in the kitchen

chill coffee planet fitness is cj how can i help you hey how you doing cj this is michael i'm

calling from the planet fitness corporate headquarters in newington how are you doing

all right how about yourself i'm not too bad uh listen i'm calling to do the weekly customer

customer survey um i don't know if you've been called before or not on this shift but what it is

is we're going to call and speak to one of the members and if they are a white card member we

will give them three months free of the black card membership or if they are a black card member we'll

give them three months free on their current membership oh okay all they have to do is

participate in a quick five minute survey all right uh you you want me to write that down or

something or oh no if you just want to pick a member at random and i'll speak to them on the

phone here and we'll get a survey done and uh we'll go ahead and let them get on their way and

we'll go ahead and log in the free membership oh there's like no there's no one here right now

oh there's absolutely nobody yeah it's just the workers just the workers okay yeah and now have

you uh to your knowledge because they should have called in the last hour have you done the

lunk alarm reset for the month uh no i have been told how to do that yes oh okay well i'll go

ahead and inform you because we need to do that and i'll check you off on the list what we need

need to do is i need you to turn on your lunk alarm do you have the light switch to turn it

on or the push button uh light switch light switch i need you to turn that on and i'm going to monitor

it from here for the reset we'll go from zero percent to 100 and once it reaches 100 i'll have

you switch it off and the reset will be complete and you'll be good for another month okay so if

you go ahead and do that for me and come back to the phone i'll let you know where we're at as far

as the percentages and when to shut it off i can take it with me i got the cord oh you got the

cordless yeah some locations have corded some have cordless so go ahead and go ahead and do

that whenever you're ready we're at five percent oh oh whoa why was it shut off that's what you

said no no i said we're at five percent um but in order to uh do the reset again uh we have to

reset the reset so i need you to flip it on and off five times rapidly and then we'll be ready

for the resetting process again five times please i'm just sure what was that oh hello i'm gonna

hang up and try it back just in case.

Alright. I thought you said

shut it off. Yeah, 5% sounds like

100, you dumbass.

I think he's just

trying to run away to get out

of his equipment. I'm trying a different one.

Alright. Thank you for calling

Planet Fitness, home of the Judgment Free Zone.

All calls may be monitored or

recorded for quality and training purposes.

Alright, that one's not

a good number. Yeah, see that was

the Dallas had an 800 number and you were able to

call it and it gave you like three different locations

through one number. You just had to select

which one it was.

Yeah, that's a bummer, you know?

Especially with that funny ass...

I don't give a fuck!

I'm fucking out of this! Fuck this

motherfucker!

I was dying. I was like, I wonder how many times he's gonna say

fuck. I got it in a line.

I gotta get to bed. I gotta get to sleep.

I'm trying to crash. Can I come?

Uh, no, but I think...

Oh my god.

Oh, goodnight.

I just wanted to talk so I get credit.

Yeah, that's right.

Now you'll get your link put in

to YouTube and all that stuff.

That's right.

You still gotta show me that end slate stuff

you were talking about for YouTube there, Carly.

I gotta pull it up now.

Yeah, that's what she said.

I gotta get it up on my screen now.

I gotta pull it up right now.

All right, so

Dwight's show is Tuesday,

right? Yes, Tuesday.

No Halloween show

because you're going to be doing a special

Halloween project that day.

Yeah, I was going to do it live, but

since it's the Milkman's birthday,

I will step aside

and let special shows be done that day.

Aw, man.

I hope I end up in the hospital again so we don't do it.

That's messed up, man. Don't even say that.

He's going to fake it. He's going to go there.

Oh, my butt hurts.

Oh, I've got to get a system.

Aw.

Enigma's show is going to be Thursday night.

It's going to be Taking Over Science 2.

yep thursday nights all right good deal everyone tune in for that this week

carbon you got i got nothing you're gonna be on matt's show maybe again yeah maybe all right good

i'll see what happens neon you're gonna be on wednesday or you're gonna be washing your hair

or something um this time yeah i gotta wash the booga out so yeah well we'll see oh yeah oh yeah

youtube.com forward slash dwight the janitor we only need 95 more subscribers hit that thousand

and I'll have to figure out something special

to do. And suck your own dick.

Oh my god, Dwight, did you hit 976

subscribers? No,

905. Damn it, let me

know when you're at 976 for 976.

I think we got a problem. We're only getting 94.

Maybe I'll do a welcome video with my creepy mask

that I got on in the Skype picture.

Hell yeah. That'd be awesome.

Wait, no, I don't like that mask.

That's scary. Yeah, let us know when it hits 976

and I'll unsubscribe so it goes back to 975.

You bastard. And then I'll watch

I just want to hit 976 again, and then I'll resubscribe.

Hell yeah.

Keep me relevant.

Yeah.

For the shortest amount of time.

All right.

Well, you guys are out of here.

On your asses.

See you later.

See you later, man.

Milkman, you want to take us out of here, Milkman?

You ho?

Oh, yeah, man.

You're right, man.

How was that?

Another fantastic installment right here in the madhouse, my brother, man.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to thank everybody over here at 98.6 The Mouth.

Everybody donated numbers.

I'm very smart, man.

Everybody, chip in.

Thank you so much.

Special guest appearance tonight,

that's your store, Jenny.

All right, thank you.

And Miss Jenny, also, thank you for letting me come on.

Thank you so much.

Also want to thank everybody else,

the MLR guests tonight.

I'd actually like to thank you.

That's free with Mojera.

I appreciate you can find right here on the internet, baby.

That's right.

We ask you to give us a time.

We'll drop the dime.

Bring your friend or friend.

Bring your enemy.

They're always welcome right here in the madhouse.

We couldn't do it without our fearless readers

at General Leasing.

That's right.

Thank you so much, buddy.

Saving lives one call at a time, baby.

Yeah, thank you, Milkman.

Everyone, be sure to check out my YouTube channel, Madhouse Radio on YouTube,

where you can subscribe to Prank Calls of the Week weekly.

I will take tonight's best prank calls, and it'll be just those together on audio only.

It'll be a YouTube video, of course, but there's not going to be anything but a still image.

This is Madhouse Live.

but you can just hear instead of having to hear the whole episode if you don't want you can hear

just the pranks just subscribe and share and like and all that facebook yeah twittery stuff for that

shit for me thank you do it yeah do it do it now yeah and milkman you got facebook too everyone

follow milkman on facebook twitter and milkman's new youtube channel is coming out i hear you're

going to be showing how to gut a fish sounds very interesting buddy that's right and eat it too

there you go

he's gonna fry it up

and everything

coconut flour

oh yeah

I love you man

thank you so much bro

see you later everybody

I'll be here next week

hopefully

God willing

that I don't get shot

and raped and murdered

well dude

I think I had to

get through me first buddy

so I tried man

you better check me out

man

it's not a problem

see you tomorrow

shoot milkman first

I should

Calls (44, 2 h 6 min of 3 h 20 min)

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