R.I.P. Daily Double

My name is Nutcoco.

I'm in a Prius, motherfucker, so I'll see you.

You're in a fucking Prius, and you weigh 410 pounds.

How the hell you fucking fit in there, you fucking fat-ass bitch?

And we will be blocking your number.

Okay, yeah. Good luck with that. Bye.

Loser.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get the coins.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

i was just reading an ad that i wanted to call hey i'm carlito i'm the host of the show i'm here

with milkman yeah milkman you can talk milkman he's probably with a customer like a bitch working

like a bitch like a fucking bitch all the time working fucking milkman working like a bitch

yeah uh someone's got a hay baler for sale that's a good deal because it's hay time now it is

currently hay season i think no bye it's not been set up yeah yeah uh this is madhouse radio we do

prank calls basically that's the name of the game scope of the show prank call machines all

fucking time you can tune in at madhouse live.com and prank call nation.com we're also broadcast on

On Shoutcast, on Cacti Radio, and Blue Planet Prank Radio.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

You know, there was a day where Dwight would take that number right there and do really fun stuff.

Remember, he used to do that.

He'd get hookers, like their numbers and shit, twitch, I think, or something like that.

A bunch of weird shit switching people's voicemails.

That was when Dwight was breaking out on his own for the first time.

That's how he started.

He hasn't done that.

Dwight, you need to do that.

You need to go back to the old school for one night.

Do a few of those.

That would be awesome.

Changing people's outgoing voicemails.

Setting it up for them and shit.

And he'd have texting conversations with them, too.

They'd usually be like, yeah, fuck you, motherfucker.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay.

Someone had a moving sale.

Oh, they didn't leave a phone number.

Fuck it.

Here's another number.

This is for pot-bellied pigs.

Hamstinks.

Pot-bellied pigs usually are like pets, right?

Pet machines?

Hi, I see you got some pot-bellied pigs for sale.

Oh, we did have.

They're gone now.

Oh, I wanted to get some ham steaks, you know?

Oh.

Do you have any more coming?

Do you have a sow that's going to pump any more out soon?

I don't think so.

So I do have, I have them promised to go, but if they don't show up, maybe I can give you a call back.

yeah give me a call back number on the id because i'll come down and i'll kick them right in the

head right in front of you oh that's just mean these were my babies these were my pets yeah but

this is to knock them out so i can get some ham steaks it's ham steak season you know oh i don't

know it's red eye gravy it's nasty it's red eye gravy ham steak season i'm feeling it i'm robbing

in my belly right now while i say it yeah red eye gravy yeah unless they don't come and pick

them up i'll give you a call yeah give me a call in that case and i'll take care of them right

there you got a big pot i can boil those motherfuckers in bye i'll chop them up right

there chop them up like a mattress chop you up like a mattress yeah so yeah there you go that

is a prayer call this is the notorious swap shop list that i like to call weekly someone here had

a yard sale um i really need to come up with something new uh outside of the hole i'm going

to make an offer because i had to do this last week if you listen to last week's podcast or live

show i deduced that i'm that's played out no one ever really wants to play with that like no fuck

that final offer final offer final offer fail final fail offer right man yeah milkman that's

right yeah open everybody milkman.net hi this is becky sorry becky someone else has a white

straight talk iphone 5 straight talk has iphone what you got to put down to get that motherfucker

put like a lean on your car to get it i give up up on i give up up i give up up on this is becky

becky beach next is that iphone the ghetto iphone call has been forwarded to an automatic voice

message system weak weak swap shop this week automatic voice message wish i could say the

Yeah, I wish I could say the same, buddy.

Kidding.

Yeah?

Was it like, hey, look back here.

Look here.

Beach show, you gotta go.

Let me give you a beach show.

Back here.

Take a look.

Lave a mess.

Again.

Famous.

Creepy at all.

That's not creepy or inappropriate at all.

The double is disappearing in locations near you.

Yeah, Milkman.

Yeah, your Daily Double is a piece of shit now, huh?

I can't find Lave a mess.

Your Daily Double is a piece of shit now.

It's missing.

The Daily Double's disappearing, man.

I mean, it's getting hard to find.

You're going to have to make it yourself.

It's not even on the menu at some places anymore.

Milkman, what you need to do is what Crazy Fucker said.

He said you need to buy your basics.

You need to just go buy your basics and make your own Hot Pockets.

Do what?

Buy your basics and make your own Hot Pockets and your own Daily Doubles.

You know?

Hot Pockets?

Buy some beans, man.

You know what's a thing to do?

What are you talking about?

You lost me, dude.

I'm talking about the Daily Double.

This is actually a good sandwich.

You need to go buy your basics, and you need to buy your beans,

and you make your own Hot Pockets, and make your own McDonald's Daily Doubles.

Oh, that sounds pretty disgusting.

Go out and buy yourself some beans, Wallace.

Beans and Hot Pockets, that sounds disgusting.

So what's the Daily Double?

What's the Daily Double, and what's the difference between that and what you're able to get now?

Go.

Well, explain me.

They don't have anything like it.

It's by itself.

Okay, a Daily Double is this.

It's two beef patties, a chunk of cheese in the middle.

Then on top of that, you've got onion, tomato, and mayonnaise.

Lettuce, pickle, onion, tomato, mayonnaise.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

And how much was it?

How much was it?

It's about $1.39.

All right, now listen.

Now, you go to Wendy's, and they've got that exact same thing.

You can get it, and they still got that.

Yeah, it's called the Junior Cheeseburger.

Bacon Junior Cheeseburger, but it's not two slabs.

Yeah, no, no, no, they got one.

They got one with two slabs and no bacon.

They have one with two slabs and no bacon and the lettuce and all that.

Is it more than $1.39? It probably is.

It's like $1 or something.

There might be a little bit of difference.

Milkman, you got to give here, man. You got to give.

I'm trying to give you options.

Yeah, but the Wendy's are not available here. It's a problem.

Wendy's are like every corner here, man.

Maybe that's what you need, a little bit of control, you know?

Maybe you need a little bit of instinctive control.

You need a little bit of control, and I think that this is a sign that God is saying,

look, man, you need to slow down, and now only go to Wednesdays.

I'm just talking about the bear actually is pretty good.

You need to take the example of Dwight, who just found out he is diabetic, type 2 diabetes.

uh he was he's in he was in denial about it he had a panic attack over the weekend we're praying

for him right now i'm sure he's gonna be i can't do that shit with a straight face velkman but

look at yeah look at him he's pre-diabetic you know and you're pre-diabetic you know all right

he started taking care of himself he stopped eating so much bologna and sandwiches to take

care of himself dude i mean that's regardless of my problem dude my problem is is that so why don't

you buy your own lettuce and your own basics and your own cheese and your own mayonnaise and you

put it on there you know why don't you and like like have it ready for me and then that way i

don't have i want to get it ready dude i don't want to see you see you see how you are with you

that's the problem with america right now that's the problem with uh your generation as a matter

of fact the gimme gimme 80s generation no yeah uh-huh yeah you don't have better meals and you

are trying to reach is not a see that's that's calling your brain milkman and that's what we get

You want to hear it again?

This is what happens when you call Milkman's brain.

The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this time.

See?

Oh, Milkman.

So, all right.

So the crisis is now you have to get the double cheeseburger machine instead of the McDouble machine or the Daily Double machine.

No, God.

You're not even paying.

You're just busy making a fucking...

So, well, you're losing.

Listen, you're losing your lettuce, your ketchup, your tomato.

I don't want ketchup.

And your mayo.

Ketchup sucks, dude.

I don't like ketchup on it.

I do.

here's what i did they did that i said let me make a fucking mcdouble i mean a daily double

of my double cheeseburger yeah well listen they can hold that you just say hold the ketchup

hold the ketchup hold the tomato still they charge you extra for that yeah but what do you want what

do you want i'm giving you options what five 65 cents extra that's not that big it's like 40

$0.40 for the tomato. Listen to this. $0.40 for the tomato and another $0.20 for the lettuce or $0.25 for the sandwich, dude.

The double cheeseburger is still, what, $1.99. Then you add, what, $0.06 of that. It makes, what, $4. It's like, what, $1.30 more, too.

Okay.

To get the same sandwich? It's bullshit.

It is kind of bullshit.

They're really fucking up.

Yeah, listen. It is kind of bullshit, man. I believe you.

Yeah, they're really fucking up. I mean, I only...

Uh-huh. Yeah?

It's good in the sandwiches.

I think that's what it really does is it's a tomato, dude.

It's got like a rice tomato in it.

Just have them hold what you don't want.

There's been a big controversy among him and his taxi cab Indian Banchute friends.

They're all overweight and such.

They all drink the Diet Pepsi.

They eat the potato chip and watch the football.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

I'm sorry.

That was a mistake on my end.

I had a problem.

It's okay now.

Thank you.

Listen, we need to talk about this a little further.

i'm connecting mcdonald's so we can have this conversation i want to see what they say

really i mean it's a discrepancy of over a dollar 20 now same sandwich it is a stupid

almost like two sandwiches man oh well if i can get one to answer we can get try to get to the

bottom of this this is a 24 hour one i think we gotta get to the bottom of this to straighten

these motherfuckers the only thing that has tomato that all circuits are busy now

Hello? Yeah? Hello? Yes, McDonald's?

McDonald's, Autumn speaking.

Yeah, hi. Listen, I need to get some explanation.

What's going on with the Daily Double?

What's it called, Milkman, the Daily Double?

Daily Double.

What, you don't have it?

That's the best sandwich you make.

That's the best sandwich?

I'm sorry, what was that?

What's on the Daily Double? Do you have it?

Yeah, we do.

You still have it? Are you getting rid of it?

Because everywhere they're getting rid of it.

Tell us the truth.

No, I'm not.

of it tell me the truth when are you guys making plans do you have a code for it already is it

called cobalt no i just gave me double well i heard that there's operation cobalt and at some

point they're going to call you and say cobalt and you guys are going to take it off the menu

hey hey autumn what's up hey motherfucker what's up you fucking cunt yeah you bitch i'm gonna slap

you right in the pussy when i see you yeah i'll start fingering you on the floor foul mouth and

Yeah, and start kissing you all over your tits.

What's up?

Yeah, I'm going to knee you right in the pussy and I'm going to kick you in the head.

I'm going to kick you right in the baby maker.

Yeah?

Yeah, come on.

Then we'll fuck.

Hey, so what's going on?

Uh, I've been drinking.

It's true, bro.

Yeah, and talking to me wouldn't be.

Yeah, and now.

It's true, bro.

How disrespectful are you?

We've been jerking off.

Hey, so what's up?

We were jerking off thinking about people that we work with.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's a nice.

Yeah, yeah.

So what's happening?

Are you going to find me a boyfriend?

Yeah, I am.

He's right here on the line.

He's hot.

It's Milkman because he has a lot of cum.

I want Daily Doubles.

Do not take it off the menu or we will be very, very disappointed.

All right, everyone, listen, shut up.

Shut up, both of you.

Milkman, what's the one you get now?

You can only get the double cheeseburger?

double yeah the daily double is with mayo and all right so how much is it to add lettuce tomato and

mayo to a double cheeseburger i don't know and take off the ketchup i don't know ring it on the

grill you gotta put regular onions on you know this can't put dehydrated it's slivered not not

the slivered it isn't the slivered yeah eddie is it really not on our menu anymore you guys

yeah i told you you stupid what the frick i didn't know that oh i just oh you dumb bitch

You stupid fucking bitch.

I need to lick that right off.

Yeah, we're going to lick it right off of your pussy and your ass.

Chocolate ice cream?

Hey, um...

Yeah, will you please?

I'm a nailer.

Hey, can I...

Okay, so are you coming to get the Daily Doubles or not?

Well, yeah, but can you tell me...

We need to know how much it is, because we need to look for money.

I don't know.

For you, I'll do a discount.

How about that?

Just tell me the truth.

How much is it?

You're a fucking idiot.

I'm going to do one for you, and it's going to be the charge of a double cheese.

How about that?

Can you please tell me what it would be?

Come on, please.

Please just tell me how much it will be normally.

$171 if we build it off of the profile of the double cheeseburger, you're saying.

Yeah, fucker.

I'm just asking financially.

I have a financial question.

All right, I got it.

Thank you for doing me a favor.

I need the fucking...

I need the data.

I'm writing up a white paper.

I'm writing up a white paper about this.

Stupid.

This is going to be a doc trying a new diet.

The Daily Double.

First cheese.

For a double cheese, I'm going to add this up.

Okay.

But a Daily Double will be this.

Uh-huh.

Actually, we'll do a McDouble.

A McDouble for tomato.

I'm going to give you individual prices.

Tomato, it's 49 cents.

It's at the other store.

Then lettuce.

Damn.

See, there you go.

That's a dollar already.

A dollar something.

Then we add mayo.

10 cents.

No matter what, they get discounted.

Yeah, yeah.

What about the...

I'm going to have to add that.

Seven cents?

Hey, well, wait a minute.

Tomato, 49 cents.

Okay.

49 cents for tomato.

49 cents for lettuce.

10 cents for mayo.

And 11 cents for slivered onions.

Okay.

Equaling a grand total of 78.

I told you, a dollar and something more.

Damn, motherfucker.

Now that is going to blow our butt.

Yeah, we can't do that.

How are we going to make that justified?

Yeah, there's got to be something.

We've got to be able to do something with the menu.

Is there a menu hack?

That's a whole other sandwich.

We've got to cut back.

Is there a menu hack we can do somewhere?

Like, what can you cut me?

No, I don't want to do that.

So, to make it just a little bit more expensive, just by 21 cents, we would not do the...

Yeah, like four Daily Doubles, please.

No lettuce and no tomato.

Where are you ordering the Daily Doubles from right now?

Holy shit.

Could I get the cheeseburger mini bundle, please?

Double cheeseburger mini bundle.

Hey, where are you at right now?

Yeah.

I want to eat...

What McDonald's are we at?

Fillmore and Golden Gate.

A large diet sweet tea at Fillmore and Golden Gate.

Because I'm super busy.

Yeah, well, we're coming by, all right?

And I want to have some private time with you, okay?

Okay, bye.

Can we have some private time in my car?

Thank you.

See, I told you the big price.

Yeah, dude, Milkman, that was crazy, the price, right?

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, but hey, I wonder who it is that she thinks said all that crazy fucking shit to her.

I don't know, maybe she said Adam or something.

Well, actually, we're bullshitting, man.

Yeah.

She started making them.

She said, don't make the second one.

I'm just fucking around with it.

Damn.

See, I am right here now.

I'm just getting ready to pick mine.

Like, a big difference in price, dude.

It's like, you could buy two of those Daily Doubles, making one up now.

That's how big a fuck-up that is, dude.

All right, Milkman, now, here, here.

Listen, now, we got to.

Here's your order.

Listen, listen.

This is for a tomato.

All right, listen.

Listen to me.

Now, we got to figure out financially what we're going to do.

Now, we got two of them that cost 49 cents.

That's the lettuce and the tomato.

You have $0.10 for the mayo and $0.11 for the change in onions, so the ones you like.

Now, you need to sacrifice at least one of those, maybe one of the big ones and one of the small ones.

Now, the second one.

All right, I'll go with onions.

You sure?

Because that's a little bit.

That's a negligible.

It's $0.11 for that.

I know, but, I mean, if I got to sacrifice something, I'll go with that.

Because if you ruin the tomato, then you lose the whole thing.

All right, well, you got to.

If you don't get rid of the ketchup, it ruins it.

Because ketchup and tomato together is, like, horrible.

Do you need the lettuce?

Lettuce is just like crunchy water, man.

You can get rid of that and keep the tomato.

Yeah, but I would keep the onions, and then I'd have the whole sandwich just with a little onion taste.

Oh, how about this?

I'll give you this.

Don't do the lettuce, but do the onion swap.

That takes it down 50 cents almost, 49 cents.

All right, I'll try that.

I can try, because you're keeping the good onions on.

Dude, I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you this.

Lettuce, to quote the dude on YouTube, his name probably should be the guy that Dame

drops on YouTube.

He says he doesn't want that shit.

It's just crunchy water.

In this case, yeah, 50 cents, man.

Almost.

49 cents.

I'm saying 50.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, they still want 50 cents for a sliced tomato, dude.

The slice is like not even as big or barely as big around as a silver dollar, man.

Hey, and I'll tell you this.

It's small as fuck.

It ain't worth 50 or 60 cents.

listen props to mcdonald's they play the the the nine cent game uh that's played by video game

makers and gasoline stations all over the country where if they want to charge 50 cents for it they

make it they just take a loss of one penny to make it 49 because psychologically the four

in the front is better than a five i you know what i mean like there's more of a benefit to

an increase of people

ordering it if you reduce it by one cent

and actually makes it, it pays off

that way. That's why

$1.99 is a better deal than

a $2 sandwich, isn't it?

Well, when you see gas, it's like

$1.99.

It's never like the full, it's never

2.00 for

gas. It's like 1.99,

1.89.

What is it over there, Milkman?

What's the gallon of gas for you?

I just paid, let's see, what was it?

It was $2.639.

$2.639.

That's kind of high.

Yeah, $2.63, nine cents tax.

That's about 30 cents maybe higher than what we're paying here, but it's always more.

Dude, that is super low.

Well, for California it is.

California has a lot of restrictions.

Well, additives and stuff that they've got to put in the gasoline there, I guess, right?

Because the restrictions are higher, so it costs more from what I understand.

understand um it's always been known that california has higher gas prices than the rest

of the country so yeah what what what what's the problem what is it what you get pulled over by the

cop machine you think maybe man milkman what happened what'd you do b okay okay asshole uh

here's someone who has two lion head bucks for sale yeah see that anyway that was good to get

to the bottom of that for milkman or at least try to what's going on with the copy paste come on

I'm sorry. The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet, please. Well shit

All right. Let me restart my synergy shit just to correct the issue with copy paste. This will be a second

I do have music picked out for tonight. I've been playing the jazz in the background. Whoops

I'm gonna play the rest of this song. Okay, so I have misplaced the card. That's what happened. The what?

I misplaced the card. What card? You

mean what card?

Your debit card?

You're not going to pay for it?

I was like, but it's in my hand now.

Yeah, you call it the card.

Like, I don't know what card you're talking about.

The card.

I don't know.

What is wrong with you kids?

The card.

This is like the modern age, nobody carries cash.

The card.

Of all people.

Fuck the card.

You would know that, my brother.

I'd be like, fuck your card.

Anyway, I look like an idiot now, so I gotta walk inside.

Because I could drop my card while I was in there.

Yeah, well, dude, don't feel bad because two weeks ago, two weeks, let me think, maybe

like four or five weeks ago, I was at the gas pump, I swiped my card, my card fell

from my hand after I slid it through the reader.

and it landed on the ground in front of the pump and where i look on the ground there is like the

slightest crack in the concrete in between where the pump ends and the concrete ground uh begins

there's like a slight crack like in a seal and my debit card i watched it go completely flat like

through it like perfectly through it like it just sailed through like fucking i don't know like

like fucking Han Solo escaping from the inside of that big giant worm

and that asteroid in the Millennium Falcon.

Like, he gets out, like, he just comes perfectly through.

And I just sat there bewildered, like, did that really just fucking happen?

And I look inside, and it's a good, like, four or five feet down,

and it's a crack that, it looks like it goes into, like, a giant gas tank or something.

Like, it hovers over the gas tanks, so it's, like, gone.

luckily I was on fumes at this point

but luckily I had slid the car and I was like

oh shit and it was just asking for my pen

and I was like I better

I ran to do it real quick

so that it would accept it

so I could at least fuel up so I wouldn't be on fumes

I didn't know if I had enough to get back home

at that point but luckily

my bank was right around the corner from the gas station

I went there and I told the guy what happened

he was like you're kidding me

he was some Asian kid

and he gave me a new card and he didn't charge me

for the card which is awesome because they usually have a fee that they charge you when

you need a replacement card unless the card doesn't swipe anymore and uh in this case

it said i'm gonna wave that because hey man that's a crazy thing to happen and i was like

cool it was a nice young man nice young asian man with braces in his early 20s that makes

you feel very secure about getting a rectum bite now buddy effeminate also a feminine

on an asian board yeah we got it straight now now yeah yeah but now you hung up you dumb dumb

hello yeah hi i see you got the elmo toddler bed oh wow okay is it red i got the headboard

is it like a satanic red or like a crimson blood red or what is it um i guess disney elmo red

disney red disney elmo yes sir all right i'd have to take a color tester there to check it out

Is that okay with you?

Yeah, that's fine.

It takes three-phase power.

I'll plug it into probably like out back and run a cable in front,

and I'll turn on the spectrometer.

It'll check the colors.

Just need to make sure it's in the right point of the spectrum, you know,

because if it's too red, it'll drive my kid bananas.

They'll start having nightmares and, you know, talking backwards and stuff like that.

He started flying a kite.

We had a different Elmo.

elmo we had an elmo like um it was like a bunk bed set and he was in the bottom in it

and it was the color red that it came in just drove him bananas and he was he was outside

flying a kite at night and it was really like creeped us all out and we had him baker acted

they took him away for 72 hours yeah they took him away for 72 hours yeah you sure it was the

the color and oh yeah the color it was a satanic red we had a priest come and everything he checked

it out and he said yes it's a satanic red satanic red like that he said that we could dye it but we

couldn't be sure to get every fiber so we had just had a we had a mass in the backyard we had a mass

and we did communion and then we burnt it the whole thing just burnt it oh yeah uh yeah i have

yeah i have 25 acres you know horse machine ranch is a brand new development out here

on Horse Machine Ranch Road

in Rogersville?

No.

Yeah.

In Rogersville?

In Rogersville, yeah.

I have 25 acres,

brand new, beautiful ranch.

I got horsies and chickens

and pot-bellied pigs.

I can't give them the face.

Yeah, I can't give them the face.

They're little motherfuckers, you know.

I'm from the city.

You can't give them the...

What the...

I'm from Hartford, Connecticut.

You can't give them the face?

Yeah, I'm from Hartford, Connecticut.

I'm from the city.

And I just retired.

I got a big lawsuit settlement

with the government.

man i want it so i retire with a million dollars i just i got like animals for the first time i

don't know how to teach these motherfuckers what to do i don't i don't like riding horses

i myself i'm too fat to ride a horse i'm around 420 pounds so probably break a horse i'll probably

break a horse's back yeah and i can't but i'm supposed to be disabled and whatever but i'm not

really i just said that for the settlement well i ain't gonna say nothing no well shit that's

That's right, I shouldn't be talking about it.

God damn it.

I've been taking my Ambien.

Easy with the language.

I take the Ambien, motherfucker.

You know, it just fucks with my head.

The other day, I slapped a horse in the ass with a broom.

Oh, my God.

Well, you look the better.

Yeah, but I'm bringing in that spectrometer, all right?

Okay, now what the hell is a spectrometer?

Do you have a barn?

Yeah, I've actually got a barn.

good good me too uh we can go into your barn we'll use your tools check it out make sure that

it's not satanic uh i do gotta let you know if it is satanic i do have to let the local

catholic diocese know so they can uh at least send no no no no no no no no we we ain't gonna

have no catholic bullshit in my house well no i mean i just have to let them know because it's

if it is if it does come back satanic with the spectrometer test um the catholic they usually

They usually send a priest over and they'll hold him.

They need to check it out.

They send a Jesuit priest.

You know, he's like a cool priest.

I don't give a shit.

I don't care.

Hey, motherfucker, now listen.

Hey, motherfucker, don't you be there running your fucking mouth on me.

Don't you start some shit with me, motherfucker.

I'm going to come down there with three motherfucking priests.

I'll come down with a cardinal.

Well, come the fuck on down here, motherfucker, and I'll beat your goddamn fucking brains in.

All right, motherfucker, let's do it, motherfucker.

motherfucker well come on bitch you got any animals fucking rock and roll you got any animals

down there oh man i got the fucking bed up for sale motherfucker and you call me up running your

fucking cocksucker i'm gonna fuck the bed how's that sound i'm gonna fuck well you fuck the bed

and then i'll fuck your old lady i'll fuck the bed i'll fuck your mom on the bed and your wife

on the bed well that's fine i'll fuck your old lady on top of you while you're fucking my mom

and fucking why i'm gonna roll you up in the elmo sheets all right i'm gonna roll you up in

in the Elmo sheets, I'm going to slap you in the ass with a broom.

Okay, well, you know what?

I kind of am kinky like that, so I might fucking enjoy that.

And I'll throw you off a bridge.

You just come on fucking down here.

I'll beat your fucking ass.

I'll throw you off a bridge.

I don't give a fuck.

I'll throw you off a bridge.

Where do you want to meet at?

Walmart.

Why the fuck do you want to meet at Walmart?

Well, because.

I'll beat your fucking ass anywhere.

I'll beat your ass.

There's too many fucking witnesses at Walmart.

No, there's not.

It's nighttime.

We'll go all the way to the end of the parking lot in front of the garden center.

Come on.

Let's go to Walmart.

Well, then let's fucking rock and roll, you little fucking bitch.

All right, listen, here we go.

No eye gouging, all right?

No hits below the belt.

Okay.

No hits below the belt.

How about I just break your fucking neck?

That way we ain't got to worry about no fucking eye gouging.

I'll see you try.

I'll see you try, motherfucker.

What?

I'll see you try, motherfucker.

Well, come on.

I'll make you chill.

You fucked with the wrong somebody.

I'm going to make your children Catholic.

Yeah, I'll be making you fucking scream, oh God, help me.

I'm going to teach your children about Catholic and the Virgin Mary and the communion.

Brother, they already know about Christianity, motherfucker.

Well, they're going to be Catholic.

Oh, yeah, and what's that, sucking fucking dick?

Yeah, that's what it is.

You got another fucking thing coming.

Yeah, well, suck a dick.

I'll break your fucking neck quick.

All right, motherfucker.

All right, when do you want to meet at Walmart?

I'll meet you there.

Whenever the fuck you want to.

Right now, 10 minutes, I'll meet you at Walmart.

It's 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

10 minutes, motherfucker.

Come on fucking down here

But maybe 10 minutes away

I'm in the Prius motherfucker

So I'll see you

You're in a fucking Prius

And you weigh 410 pounds

How the hell you fucking fit in there

You fucking fat ass bitch

I'll whoop your ass come on

Well fucking let's rock and roll

10 minutes of Walmarts

Alright we'll see

He probably won't even answer when I call him back

I'm being a little silly tonight

With the laughing during the calls

Where's my professionalism

My professionosity.

We lost Milk Bender in the...

Shit.

Tell him, please record your message.

Boo hiss.

Well, we'll have to wait on him later.

Call him back if I remember.

If I can remember.

He knows to call the cell phone, because that alerts me immediately.

At least I've told him that.

That's the best thing to do in this case.

I can't call him in the middle of a call, because other people will hang up if they hear other ringing, usually.

I usually only say that to the end of calls if they're really angry and I can keep them on.

That guy was real funny that we last talked to.

I'm going to make it a point to call him in like 12 minutes.

See if he actually goes to Walmart's with an S at the end.

That's how you say it.

Walmart's.

Someone is looking for hay ground to lease for next year in town.

Good.

See, I told you it's hay season.

A lot of people get hay fever this time of year.

Yeah, I see that you're looking for some hay ground.

I got 25 acres at a horse machine ranch.

I got a nice property out here.

You can grow.

Is it hay season right now?

Is that what's going on?

No.

Not ready for next year.

When's hay season happening?

March, September.

March to September.

I mean, May, June to September.

May, June to September.

So in the summer, you can make some hay.

You can cut it and harvest the hay.

Right.

And that's what you feed your horsies?

Feed my cows.

Your cows, too?

oh shit motherfucker wow they eat a lot of hay i bet those motherfuckers how many cows you got

how many fucking cows you got i got a boat i mean you got i got 12 cows man yeah yeah and i got a

problem with one now what i'm trying to figure out is a bull does not have his sexual organs right

a steer or a steer has his sexual organs how does that work right now how does it work don't have

The sexual organ.

The steer has been castrated.

Castrated, gotcha.

Yeah, and it's not chopped off or banded off.

All right, okay, and its penis is still there?

It still has a penis?

Yeah.

But no balls, no little balls right there?

Right, yeah.

All right, and what happens to the balls?

They're gone, and you eat them, Tim.

Some people eat them, motherfuckers, I heard.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Fuck yeah, so maybe you can help me out.

you know a good cow uh look i won the lottery so i got a few million i used to live in connecticut

i'm a rich man i bought a 25 acre ranch here i called it a horse machine ranch because we got

several horse machines here you know you know anything about horse yeah horse machines the

horse machines walk around eat the hay and you can ride them put the kids on them smack them in the

yeah yeah those motherfuckers yeah we got i got a few of those i bought the whole thing already

set up and everything's got we got a well out here yeah all right we got potatoes growing we

got potatoes it's over in rogersville it's called horse machine ranch yeah well you should come down

come down and do you know how good a horse doctor or cow doctor uh dr mason dr mason he's good what

You think I could call him, like, right now and get him on the line?

Oh, no, not right now.

Is he a white man?

Yeah.

All right.

Does he put his hands inside the vagina of the horse?

I'd say that.

Huh?

All right.

All right, Bubba.

Well, I'm going to let you go.

You're having too much fun.

I like people who get angry.

Yeah, I don't get angry.

I know, honey.

I love you, honey.

Do you love Jesus?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, right?

Fucking Jesus, man.

He's my motherfucker right there.

Jesus is fucking awesome, motherfucker.

You're crazy.

All right, motherfucker.

I'll see you, man.

All right, go to hell.

I'll see you later, motherfucker.

What a very chill day.

Weird.

Hay season, now we know.

It's summertime.

Feed your horsies, feed your cows.

Your moo cows.

Hey, how you doing, moo cow?

There you are, buddy.

Hey, motherfucker.

It's hay season, and May to September is hay season.

So we're way past that.

Oh, really?

Yeah, man.

It's not hay season.

Yep.

So, yeah, so it's one for three Daily Doubles.

You'll be excited to hear that McDonald's is now rolling out.

They're finalizing their initial test phase.

It looks like it's going to pass.

They're going to have kiosks that you just go in and tap on the screen and order what you want.

Yeah, less mistakes.

That's good, because fuck them and their mistake, motherfuckers, you know?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I always thought it'd be awesome if they had an app, you know, that you could just order it.

You go to the first window and have them scan the barcode on your phone.

And that came up on their end with the order.

And then you just pick it up at the next window.

That would be the dope.

The dope.

You can save your favorites in there.

The daily doubles at this location are $1.99.

Oh, that's a good deal.

The other one was $1.59.

But now they're still.

So now this is like the only one left.

It looks like this one is given.

Did she say she had them in her location or she had to make them special?

She thought they had them, and then she found out, yeah, that they had just gotten rid of them there.

And that's in Utah.

So it's spreading milk, man.

It's done.

It's probably a per-franchise decision right now, but I wouldn't expect it to...

It's clearly an imitation of Wendy's Junior Double Cheeseburger.

That's what it is.

I think it's the Junior Double Cheeseburger.

burger it's their it's their version of it that's all it is milk it's fucking good yeah well why

don't you try mostly you don't have anything that's grilled you don't have no grilled like

charbroiled meat don't have onions is pushing it they started adding onions a few years ago

but this tomato they're putting it on this um quarter pounder buttermilk buttermilk but

dude i just don't eat like that right now man thank god i don't i'm hoping i wish you take

Take that example, you know.

Do that, man.

Don't try to eat a little better, man.

Dude, I cook all the time for myself.

I just get tired.

You know I cook all the time, man.

I just get tired of it all the time.

I'm tired.

I got to switch over to something bad for a while.

I'm tired.

Listen, you need to buy your basics and your beans and make your own hot dogs.

I'm buying a pressure cooker.

I'm buying a pressure cooker now.

Hello?

This is Collin from Wendy's.

Hi, honey.

Wendy's, I have a question.

Listen, you have a Junior Double Cheeseburger, right?

Yes, we do.

How much is it?

Just the hamburger?

Yeah.

It's $1.95.

Coño.

All right.

And what's on it?

How does it come?

The Junior Bacon Cheeseburger comes with bacon, cheese, ketchup.

No, wait, wait, wait.

But you have one with no bacon, right?

Junior Double.

Yes, the Junior one.

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, the cheeseburger, just cheese.

I want two.

There's one two pieces of meat, right?

Right, and lettuce and tomato?

Uh-huh.

Which one is that?

The one with lettuce and tomato?

That is the Junior Cheeseburger.

How much is that?

$1.90.

And that has only one piece of meat?

Yes.

Well, that's some bullshit, because McDonald's has a better deal, even if it's more expensive.

Okay, uh-huh.

That's stupid.

Yeah, you're stupid.

How much to put an extra piece of meat on that one?

Oh, man.

I don't think she cared for that.

Yeah.

We lost her right about then.

So there's your answer.

um there you go man so i'm telling you dude it's a better deal i'm not kidding you see they're

really messing up on this one even a dollar 99 are messing up it's just it doesn't add up the

math doesn't add up something must have happened there to the price of one of those basics because

milkman you really need to look into buying your basics and making your own well the reason i like

I think it is a daily double.

It's adjusted fresh.

If not, it sucks.

But that's why I like it.

You know it's fresh, dude.

It's ready to go.

Oh, yeah.

Made daily.

I understand.

Hello?

Hi, Burger King?

Okay, so we need some help, okay?

We don't understand an issue we're having with the two other guys.

We need, do you have a sandwich there that's two pieces of cheese?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, two pieces of meat with lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise and an onion and cheese and cheese.

Not the Whopper, something smaller, you know?

Well, is that BK double?

Yeah.

What's the BK?

Oh, shit.

You think it's the BK double?

I'll call a different one because that guy's like, hey, hello.

Hey, Pedro.

Hey, how are you?

No habla ingles, senor.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Anyway.

It wasn't too happy about that.

You don't want nothing to do with that shit.

Yeah, I know.

All right, working on the next one here.

We'll try again.

You think it's, what, the BK Double?

Let me pull up their menus.

I'm not sure.

I'm just, I don't think this is comparative.

Because, like, I can think of the means.

I see the drive-thru, you know.

Hi, may I help you?

Yeah, hey, what's the BK Double?

What's in that sandwich?

Can you help, please?

We need help.

We're hungry.

Oh, the BK, BK?

Yeah.

Yeah. No, no. We just want two pieces of meat with cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo.

Lettuce one? It's a big king.

Big king?

It's come for king sauce.

No, that's the one that's...

No, we don't want that. That's the one that's supposed to be the McDonald's Big Mac. We don't want that.

Which one you needed? Bacon deluxe with the lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup, onions, and bacon.

That's deluxe. The single meat.

How much to put on mayonnaise on that?

Mayonnaise, they don't charge it.

Yeah.

The lettuce and the tomato.

That's what I'm talking about.

Double meat.

How many pieces of meat?

One or two?

Just one.

Oh.

How much to put a piece of meat, another piece on it?

Another piece of meat, make it your double.

Uh-huh.

It's extra meat.

It's, I think, a dollar.

Oh, shit, man.

How much?

Not in my computer.

I mean, right here.

I don't know how much.

How much is it normal?

How much is it plain?

Hold on.

Okay.

Okay, we have the Dover cheeseburger for $1.69 plus stop.

Without lettuce, just only cheese, pico, ketchup, mustard for that.

Okay, so how much to no ketchup but add mayo, lettuce, and tomato?

And onion.

And no mustard.

And no mustard either.

And no mustard, no mustard.

Oh.

Have to have onion.

You need to go here.

We don't take by phone.

But we're asking, how much to add mayonnaise?

Nothing.

How much to add lettuce, tomato?

Add lettuce, tomato, 25 cents each.

Fucking shit, you know.

That's a lot of fucking money.

Hey, don't say that, okay?

That's all the bullshit money.

That's 240.

It's Sunday.

God damn it.

Hey, don't do that.

Whoa, son of a...

I called the police.

I need your number.

God damn it, God.

You damn it.

Oh, Sunday.

I called the police, okay?

Filipino, no, no.

Well, Milkman, it looks like McDonald's was the lowest bidder on that price war,

and they ended up pulling out finally.

Dude, they were killing, dude.

This thing is the burger.

This is the one.

I can't believe it.

I wish I could have had some.

It would be like.

Yeah, well, you can tell that was not sustainable.

That sandwich probably was they were selling it at a loss or very close to a loss,

and it was no longer sustainable.

That's definitely what happened, that product right there.

There was a, we reported back in like 07, 08, there was a Burger King sandwich that they actually sold at a loss.

So you could go and order like 20 of them and they would lose like a bunch, they would lose a few cents per sandwich that they sold.

And the franchises were going, the franchise owners were like, this is bullshit because people are just coming to order the sandwich and we don't lose money whenever they come in.

It's fucking bullshit.

So they quit selling them, right?

Yeah, but then we also found out that Little Caesars, they only make $0.40 for every one of those hot and ready pizzas you get.

That's why they always try to push it.

Like, do you want sauce?

Do you want yipping sauce?

Do you want crazy bread and stuff?

They try to upsell.

Okay, because they're only making $0.40.

Yeah.

Whatever it was, it was really cheap.

Because you actually said, when I said that, Milkman, you said that you should tip the owner a dollar.

It's just about a pity.

You said that on your way out, you should tip the owner a dollar.

just to help them out because it's, yeah.

Dude, that's fucked up.

You know, they make that whole pizza and they only make,

but it's cheap.

It's five bucks, bro.

What do you expect?

They probably make even less per now

because the price of the ingredients has probably gone up.

Well, what are they going to do now?

Because McDonald's, I mean, Domino's is taking on a big campaign

to like put in every mobile app

and like get delivered shit everywhere.

Like right now out here,

they're saturating the market with Domino's

There's, like, buttons on everything.

Buttons?

Yeah, like, you can click on, like, it'll be on a page or on an app or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

You click a button.

They're trying to get the Domino's just don't deliver anywhere,

but it's so easy that you just click a button anywhere.

Yeah, dude, sometime around 2009, Domino's had a change in their strategy,

their global strategy, and they, first of all,

they changed their recipe drastically for the better.

It started selling like crazy,

And then they were the early adopter out of the major pizza chains to adopt online ordering.

They went at it really hard, really early.

And they were eating Pizza Hut's lunch for a while.

Pizza Hut actually is losing ground.

Right now, what I read, they're in a little bit of trouble right now based on their reports that came out within the last few days.

and they're attributing it

mostly to the fact that Pizza Hut took a long

time to really get into

the online ordering business

and Domino's has eaten their lunch

and also Little Caesars apparently is going

crazy too, they're doing really good

as the bargain pizza

like the McDonald's of pizza is really

not in terms of

location and availability

of course because there's a McDonald's everywhere

but Little Caesars in the price

and quality range is probably around

They've got like a bacon-wrapped pizza, okay?

So like the outside of the pizza is like instead of crust, it's got bacon-like strips all the way around.

I mean, it's the kind of shit they're doing, man.

Really, it's not a bad idea because everybody likes bacon, even your dog.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

I think Aluner's $13.

It's not a $5 pizza.

I believe I checked the price on it, but I mean, a shit like that is different, you know?

and mcdonald's is actually in a lot of trouble apparently the i don't know if i talked about

this last week i meant to but if i didn't the brief of it is that uh the franchisees are having

a lot of trouble because there's like no direction coming from the front office wherever it is and

they're losing they're like i guess well i already did talk about this because they're trying to be

like a five guys now they're trying to take that approach with their burgers and stuff

and the kiosk ordering and all that stuff

and people are saying that's not what they go there for

you know people go to

McDonald's just for fast

food they don't want to go there and

give options and wait a long time like you're going

to Steak and Shake or Five Guys or

something like that where it's made to order

and like the franchise owners are saying there's no

way that we can go made to order this is

fucking McDonald's what are you talking about

and this new CEO they got now

because they fired the black dude who was like really

stupid

and they got this other guy now

Now, he just fucking sucks.

And I guess, like, I kept talking for the longest about how, like, they should be doing the 24-hour breakfast.

But now, apparently, some of the franchises are still complaining.

Dude, they got it out here, dude.

There's limited selections, dude.

Yeah.

Well, they have to because they can only do so much production at once, their line.

So what they've done is...

We got the burrito.

Yeah, yeah.

The basic is, like, the sausage burrito.

They call it sausage burrito, which it was originally the breakfast burrito.

clear back from what 1999 2000 he started that fucker i don't know everyone that was a spinoff

of that original burrito all it was was just cheese sausage like what like green pepper or

some bullshit like that it's not very much in it and they sell those now it's like you get two of

them you can get what um some egg mcmuffin like that they got like a cheese one and then like

egg and cheese we got like three egg mcmuffins you can get oatmeal here and you can get like

Like, some kind of yogurt parfait as a dessert.

And, like, the first time they had it, I tried it when it first came out.

I said, I'll try the breakfast burrito.

And they're like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, the extra five minutes, okay, you wait.

And I'm like, no, no, no, never mind.

But they may have got past that minute.

No, no, but when the first week, like first couple weeks come out, you had to wait.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry, man.

So I just wanted to try the sausage burrito when it was, okay, remember, okay, last week

when I went to service the vehicle, that's when I first came out.

Two weeks ago.

Okay.

Remember I told you I went over there to get it.

okay well i'm saying wait on the i'm sure they'll give it to you they'll give it to you i'm sure

now fuck that five minute shit so i don't know if they get rid of that it's not so bad but man

the burrito dude was like the size of the original wasn't even as big around paper was so huge

horrible it wasn't even worth it they have so downgraded it downside ever noticed that the

diameter of the big mess is like the same diameter as the hamburger now no it used to be it was

always bigger no i didn't i wasn't measuring hello yeah hi you have some americana chickens

yes oh good what kind of birds but how many birds you got left right now six still yeah i got the

old ones i got a farm out here i got chickens too these motherfuckers pissing me the fuck off

kicked the shit out of the chicken just a minute ago so i'm gonna have to replace them before my

our wife finds out do you have any black like brindle kind of black with white tips on their

feathers oh because i kicked the shit out of the rooster right yeah i kicked the shit out of the

rooster this and he looks just like that motherfucker you got i kicked this fucking rooster

well this motherfucker he was he was a fucking pussy ass rooster so he needed to get his ass

ass kicked and i yeah i won't mess with your boy no that ain't like that but i'll do whatever i

want with him anyway if i want to eat him i'll eat him 150 dollars right you know for the him

and his and he's been fucking the shit out of his i'll tell you if that bachelor all strong

but they good laying birds well fuck him then he's a motherfucker he is a motherfucker yeah

i'll beat the shit out of him if he gets out of line i'll tell you what i'll slap

if you want to do all right where you want to meet at the walmart's where you want to meet

mean at the walmart's bring them with you yeah bring it with you walmart's in rogersville yeah

yeah when you want to go what tonight man because i need to replace this rooster for my wife gets

home she's gonna be like you killed the baby's rooster oh shit carrier forward i'm gonna make

a chicken soup what you're all the way in my house dude just have a night god damn all right

so i don't want any bullshit i don't want any bullshit when i'm coming over there and i don't

want to see any women i don't talk to women directly like that no women ain't no women here

why is there but she's staying inside she better stay the fucking side and not be coming around

being nosy and shit it's against arab religion you know yeah shut up back there get to cleaning

i'll bring some clothings some clothing for her to iron while we're talking rooster business

man business she can iron some of my clothes for me because i do laundry on sundays

i'll pay her some money iron my clothes i wish she did

i wish she'd do it real quick real good job steam

yeah we'll do that all right buddy

All right, text me back your address, and I'll be down there.

All right, I'll see you later.

Bye.

Bye, buddy.

Bye, honey, baby.

Thanks, buddy.

See you.

Thanks for the delivery.

Yeah, thanks for delivering the chickens to us.

We'll see you at Walmart.

I ain't going to fucking Walmart.

Yeah, because you're a pussy.

That's why.

I'll McDonald's in the chicken.

How about a chicken at McDonald's?

Yeah, I'll beat the shit out of you.

We got you whole, hot, and ready.

Yeah.

I swear to God

I'll beat the shit

out of your rooster

if he gets out of line

even if you don't

so

I'll shake him

like an idiot

you motherfucker

you gonna shake him

you gonna kick

the shit out of him

you know

I'll scare him

and make him fly

I'll make him fly

in the traffic

traffic

yeah I'll make him

I'll go

rawr

yell real loud

and make him

start running

real fast

he's a pussy

He won't do shit to me.

He's a pussy.

I'll kick his ass.

I'll kick his rooster fucking ass

all over this fucking parking lot

at Walmart.

Yeah, bring him to Walmart.

He's got to fight.

He's got to fight

at a neutral location

because fucking Walmart

is a neutral location.

It's not my ranch.

It's not your ranch.

Yeah, and then we'll have some coffee at McDonald's after.

We'll have some coffee afterwards.

Alright, let's do it then, motherfucker.

I'll kick his fucking ass all over that fucking parking lot.

I'll teach him a fucking lesson and be a fucking asshole.

I bet you I will, motherfucker.

I'll have both of my roosters, too.

And if he dares to do anything to me, I'll stick them both on you and your wife.

I have attack roosters.

My rooster will be standing out of a fucking driveway waiting on your bitch ass.

Yeah, fuck him.

Fuck him.

I'll throw rocks at him and kill him.

He's stupid.

I'm going to kill him right now.

His brain is the size of a rock.

I got a rock driveway.

That's good.

His brain is smaller than a rock.

Yeah, yeah.

You throw out a fucking rock, you won't.

He's stupid.

It's a dumb rooster.

Dumb.

I'm stupid.

I crow.

I don't know why.

I crow for no reason.

No one cares.

Well, he crows, too.

Well, he's an asshole.

He got a big spurt.

He got bad toes.

Big cock, too.

Big cock.

Big spurt.

He's a big, bad motherfucker.

You ever see that cartoon, that big, bad fucking rooster?

Yeah.

He's bad as hell.

He's a big fucking ass.

There never was a badass rooster.

Take that cartoon.

What badass rooster?

There never has been one.

Foghorn Leghorn or Baby Huey.

None of them were fucking badass.

They were both fucking pussies.

Foghorn Leghorn paid people to do his dirty work,

and Baby Huey was a stupid, retarded fucking Baby Huey.

What other rooster was a badass?

There's never been a badass bird at all.

There's never been a badass bird at all with the exception of Darkwing Duck.

Darkwing Duck?

Yeah, well, Darkwing Duck would kick his ass.

Okay, relax. Relax, okay?

Okay, just relax. You just relax.

too yeah all right you ever eat rattlesnake love it yeah it tastes good yeah all right okay all

right well so i'll be coming over you're gonna text me that address unless your rooster's a

pussy machine ranch road rooster machine ranch road yeah rooster machine ranch road

all right bye see ya it's not going anywhere bye thank you you later that was chicken machines

Rooster Machine Ranch Road, dude.

That'll be it.

Rooster Machine Ranch Road, buddy.

Rooster Machine Ranch Road.

Did that guy call you back, or was that a second dude?

That's not like a second one.

That was the second dude I called.

Yeah, I should call back the other guy, right?

I was on permahole.

Yeah, we ought to call him back and say, like, we didn't get the text yet.

We're out of here.

Now, Duran's Machine Road.

Yeah.

You were talking too much, so I put you on permahole.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

What guy was that?

I'm trying to have fun.

You let every other motherfucker talk every time I'm on their show, man.

That's cool.

this is the elmo guy right elmo toddler bed elmo toddler bed right you got a little red thing a

little red doll no it's a bed satanic red and he got real upset about the catholic thing he was

like whoa don't you being fucking catholic here he was like damn man you need to chill out she's

his wife hates it too yeah hey i'm waiting here at walmart's where the fuck you at man i'm sitting

out here in the parking lot is this right here you fucking silver priest yeah i'm getting ready

and kick the fucking shit out of you.

Where you at?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm inside the store.

The fuck are you?

Hey, hey, come on, I'm inside the store.

Come on, bitch.

Where the fuck are you?

I'm inside the store.

You fucking spic Latin, motherfucking nigger.

Hey, don't be fucking doing shit, all right?

What's your fucking sound like?

Hey, hey, won't you fucking show on up here?

Come on.

Come on, motherfucker.

You're not even kicking my car.

Fuck I ain't.

No, you're not.

You wouldn't dare do that.

I'm sitting here kicking the fucking shit out of it right now.

Go to your car and honk the horn.

it go to your car and honk the horn you prove it well why don't you fucking come on go to your car

don't fucking worry about it come on motherfucker get on out here go to your car and honk the horn

get the fuck no get the fuck on out here i brought this fucking van too i'm gonna shove it up your

fucking ass you pussy go to your car and honk the horn you pussy why don't you fucking show

on up here all right where the fuck are you inside i'm waiting i'm inside yeah you're fucking inside

yeah come inside come on i'm in shoes where the in in fucking shoes yeah won't you fucking come

on out here come on no i'm saying it's like come on i'm waiting for you boy yeah yeah come on out

here you fucking pussy ass bitch motherfucker you're stupid you're faking it you're not even

at the fucking walmart the fuck i ain't dude i'm sitting here looking at your motherfucking

car right now go to your car this is your fucking silver prius right here go to your car and honk

the horn. Just come the fuck on out

here. Go to your car and honk the horn

so I can hear it. Just come the fuck on out here

and I'll tell you that I'm fucking here. Yeah, you're full of shit.

The what? The fuck was that? Full of shit.

The what? Did you have to fucking bring somebody?

The what? I done fucking

kicked the shit out of it. You touch my priest.

You scratch that priest. You tell him I

will kick his ass. Priest.

Well, motherfucker, I am not scared of you.

What the hell's wrong with you? What the fucking hell's wrong with you?

It's my priest. You better not be

scratching it. Well, I don't give a flying fuck

What the hell?

Who's in this?

Come on out here, too.

I'll fucking beat Buckshaw's asses.

Go to your car and honk the horn.

You done fucked with the wrong motherfucker.

Go to your car and honk the horn.

I'm an ex-victory.

I'm a man.

I do mail pouches.

Stolen honor.

I'm fucking trying to kill you.

Stolen valor.

Look it up.

It's a crime.

Stolen valor.

It's a federal crime.

I'm a man.

I do mail pouches.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm a fucking man, too.

I take care of my fucking family and everything else.

Stolen valor.

And you fucking call me up wanting to fucking check out my damn son's fucking baby bed there, his toddler bed,

and then you guys want to run your fucking mouth on me, and then you guys act like a fucking bunch of damn pussies and don't even fucking say that.

I didn't know you were that stupid. I didn't know you were that stupid, man.

You didn't know I was that fucking stupid.

Dude, I had a fucking toddler bed that I'm trying to fucking sell on fucking Craigslist.

Is that where you got my fucking number?

It's too damn small. I'm a full-grown man. I'm six foot four.

Well, then why the fuck did you call me for?

You stupid-ass motherfucker.

I'm going to bed.

You had a good deal.

What is the problem here?

The fuck am I talking to now?

The other motherfuckers sound like a damn fucking Mexican fucking wetback.

Hey, hey, shut up, man, motherfucker.

Eddie Garcia.

What the fuck is he?

Don't talk shit about Eddie Garcia.

Don't talk shit, motherfucker.

That's my Catholic pastor.

I don't give a fuck.

He's a cool Mexican.

That's my Catholic pastor.

Well, come the fuck on out here.

Let's see how fucking cool he is whenever I whoop his ass.

Hey, now, I don't want no trouble, man.

Now, you put a scratch on that Prius, I'm warning you.

I'm warning you.

I'm going to do some hot karate shit here.

My heart kicks the fucking shit out of it.

Well, you better not.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't see how this 450-pound fat-ass fit in the son of a bitch.

Make me real, son.

I'm warning you.

Well, come on, faggot.

You come play with my ass while I whoop the fucking shit out of you.

You ain't nowhere near my Prius anyway, because my Prius alarm would be going off right now.

The fuck I'm not standing right here beside of it.

It's that shit.

I don't hear my Prius alarm.

Go to your car and honk your horn if you're there, motherfucker.

The motherfucker ain't fucking going off.

Go to your car and honk the horn if you're there, motherfucker.

I understand.

I'm standing right here fucking beside of this son of a bitch.

Go to your car and honk your horn, motherfucker.

Honk your horn.

I want you to fucking come on out here.

I don't need to fucking honk my damn horn to fucking prove that I'm fucking out here.

You're full of shit, motherfucker.

Just fucking show on up here.

Just come on the fuck out here.

Show me your damn face.

We take you some.

Please.

What?

I ain't going to whoop your ass.

Look, I ain't got no fucking beef with you.

It's me and your fucking friend.

Well, he can't help it.

He wanted to buy a damn badge, and he can't help being Mexican.

He like burritos.

Well, he shouldn't have ran his fucking mouth.

I could stand out here all motherfucking night waiting for you guys to come out here.

No damn apology.

This son of a bitch fucking...

He fucking started running his damn mouth on me, so he should be fucking apologizing to me.

Well, you done called him names and making fun of his Mexican heritage.

He can't help it.

Well, I don't give a fuck about his damn Mexican heritage.

I'll tell you what.

That son of a bitch wants to fucking apologize to me.

i might be able to fucking accept it because to me that starts showing him being a man all right

and stepping up to his fucking doings i'm sorry whenever he fucking apologizes to me i might

fucking accept that damn apology and then we might be able to talk some fucking business but right

now i want to beat his fucking ass all right i'm ready to apologize can i apologize will you let

me apologize can i do fucking apologize all right i'm sorry that you're a motherfucker and i'm gonna

fucking whoop your fucking ass that's why i'm sorry that's my apology bitch well you know what

Fucking apology not accepted, you son of a bitch.

Now come on out here.

Owned it.

I told you you shouldn't have made fun of your Mexican heritage.

I warned you, didn't I?

Well, come on out here and I'll fucking whoop his Mexican ass and turn him into a fucking

fortila and kick his fucking ass back to Mexico.

What the hell are you making fun of?

He's only 5'2".

I don't give a fuck.

I'm only 5'5".

You ain't going to see him coming at you, man.

You chopped your knees off before you even looked down and seen.

Well, that's fucking fine.

Let the son of a bitch come on out here.

I tell you what, you put one scratch on that silver frizz, buddy, you're going to have all that.

I don't fucking kick the shit out of it.

I don't give a flying fuck about your damn fucking call.

I didn't hear no fucking frizz at all.

This ain't about me and you, stupid fucker.

This right here is about me and the motherfucking spick.

Don't make fun of my Mexican friend.

I can't help it.

He's Mexican.

He likes Taco Bell.

He's a good man.

Why don't you tell him to fucking come on out of you and sound like a bunch of fucking pussies to me?

So what the fuck do y'all make of me?

Honk your horn.

I'm proving I'll come outside.

Why the fuck do I need to honk my horn?

Warren, why don't you just come the fuck on out here and fucking show me that you're standing.

Stand back in front of me.

I think you need to apologize to Eddie.

He done made his apology to you.

I think you need to suck my fucking dick, motherfucker.

I'm fucking with y'all, buddy.

Hey, you dick, like I said, this ain't between me and you, you stupid son of a bitch.

This is between me and the fucking other asshole.

Well, mind your fucking manners, then.

Quit talking so much shit.

Well, tell your fucking little Mexican friend there to mind his fucking manners, you know?

bit fucking more respect for me whenever he called my fucking ass up fucking started running his damn

mouth to me pissed me the fuck off you owe him an apology now he done apologized to your

you know what motherfucker both of you suck my fucking dick you shut up you shut up motherfucker

i'll beat both your fucking asses you shut up right there in front of that press i'll take

a shit on here a little bit and then you can have it back well how about i fucking stomp your ass

all over this fucking parking lot you come over here that person you cause any problem but you

gotta fuck on over here kick the fucking shit out of you and bust every damn window out in this

fucking priest yeah i'm catching getting mad you better handle this boy yeah you better shut up

man oh oh i'm a scared little pussy bitch eddie get him i'm getting mad come the fuck on if you're

getting so fucking mad come on what the fuck is stopping you it's it don't make milk i'm begging

I'm begging you to fucking step out here now.

He'll whoop your ass.

I'm charging up the battery in my electric car mover right now.

My battery died, so I'm coming out here to that fridge.

Why don't you get up out of that turnip bus here and take your fucking phone out and walk your fucking ass on out here?

We're outside. We're outside.

Where the fuck are you?

Where are you?

I don't see you, motherfucker.

Where the fuck are you?

We're right here. I don't see you.

Well, come on over here. I'm standing up here waiting.

Honk your horn. I don't know where to go.

Beep, beep, motherfucker.

pussy and i can hear the echo you're inside the house you stupid motherfucking pussy there ain't

no fucking echo inside the fucking house motherfucker i'm standing right here beside

the fucking priest honk your horn motherfucker go to your car honk your horn fucking beep that's

your fucking your fucking car you're a pussy lying son of a bitch come to your fucking car

you motherfucker and i'll show you a lying son of a bitch i'm on my car now i see my car you're

nowhere near i see my car you're nowhere waiting for you you're nowhere near my car you're full

shit you know we're near my car you're full of shit are you done what do you mean i'm nowhere

near your fucking you're going outside your house to go to your car and honk the horn you stupid oh

yeah i'm going outside my fucking house i heard you open your door

you're so fucking full of shit i heard you open your house door

you stupid bitch you thought i wasn't gonna go outside i'm gonna go outside my house

and go to my car

and honk the horn

because I'm...

Dude, I've been standing here

fucking waiting for you.

Got him.

Got him my fucking ass.

Go ahead.

Just honk the horn.

You better as well

honk the horn now

you're out there.

Go ahead.

Beep, beep, motherfucker.

Come on.

Now you want to do it.

Oh, he's sitting away.

He got scared, Eddie.

He ain't got fucking shit.

Because you know I'm...

I'll beat both your fucking brains in.

You know I'm outside right now.

Come the fuck on.

You ain't out here, you pussy.

The what?

You're all right.

I'm standing right here

fucking beside this damn silver press yeah even if it is yours or if it ain't fucking all right

break it where the fuck are you break the window break the window i dare you well come on out here

i'll fucking beat your ass and break the fucking window with your fucking head prove it break the

window come on motherfucker well come the fuck on i'm here i don't see shit well if you are you

standing outside yeah i'm looking at my car is it fucking raining or is it fucking cloudy then

you tell me that one i don't have to tell you shit motherfucker that's what i fucking thought

Where you at? Where you at?

Where you at?

Yeah, okay.

Fucking pussy ass motherfuckers.

I bet your ass ain't even fucking here at Walmart.

Okay.

If that's what you want to believe.

I know you're not here.

I know for a fact.

You fucking spick ass motherfucking

back to fucking Mexico.

You got me.

Fucking pussies.

You can re-invite

the Taco Bell.

City guard beer,

you fucking

trick masters.

For a second,

I thought he was

beating the shit

out of the car.

He really was, man.

He asked me

to dump this

fucking little one.

Burn beating

on the car

in the parking lot.

I got him twice

on the shit.

It was really funny.

It makes me wonder

how I keep him going.

Fucking retard.

He sounds like a 20, like a 21, 22-year-old hot shot, dude.

Fucking hit it.

All the time, it's your comment, man.

I love your apology.

It was very, very formal.

Your apology was very great.

Thank you.

We've got someone who needs to have a well drilled.

A well.

An actual well.

A well machine.

Oh, water well?

A water well, yes.

All kinds of issues with putting water in the ground, ground water, and like stealing ground water, and all kinds of things.

What?

Every fuck up part of the water out of the ground.

Oh, anyway, kittens.

Twin sister kissings.

Beautiful blue-gray in color with tiger-striped tails that are very sweet.

All right.

That's all fine and good, but I don't have an area code.

Jeez.

Let me find that area code for this location.

Oh, never mind.

I do.

Duh.

It's there.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You got those kittens?

Hello?

You got those kittens?

I do.

Yeah.

Are they sassy at all?

Do they sass?

Are they what?

Do they get sassy at all, ever?

What do you mean?

Well, do they talk back because I'll yell at them?

Talk back because you yell at them.

Yeah.

If they start sassing, I'm talking back and giving me attitude, I yell at the motherfuckers.

Right.

Don't yell at your cats.

Like, sir.

Let me close that rooster number out.

Yep. And look at the next one here.

Yep, Rooster Machine Ranch Road.

Keep talking about that Rooster Machine Ranch Road.

That was a good call. That guy was funny.

His wife really hated the rooster.

I hate that rooster.

All right. Someone here has some pigs.

A litter of full-blooded registered Juliana pigs that are ready for homes.

They're the smallest breed of pigs in the world and make great pets.

pets they're hypoallergenic also known as hypnoallergic which means if you're allergic

to cats or dogs you will not be allergic to a juliana pig machine juliana pigs what if you

have a pork allergy what if you have a pork allergy well what if what if juliana pigs are

also easy to litter box train with which makes them great house pets we are the only registered

Mr. Breeder of Juliana Pigs in the state.

Our pigs are not only beautiful, but have great dispositions and make great pets.

I once dated a pig, but her name wasn't Juliana.

I get it.

I think her name was...

Her name was Sweet Kisses.

I love kitties.

Her name was that woman who keeps saying that she's having dreams about me.

That's disgusting.

Don't say that.

I'm sorry, Ellie.

That's not true.

True. But please don't say those things, Lookman, okay?

Because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't like that.

I'm not even joking anymore. Thank you.

Looks like a tanning bed here.

Is Lonesome Loser now?

No, no contact. Negative contact with Lonesome Loser.

No, there are no L-mans in the chat room right now.

Parkman, are you around?

Parkman? No, Parkman's gone.

Parkman is around, though, and he's sending in the numbers we're calling right now, motherfucker.

Yeah, he's got a big belly.

Thank you, Parkman. You're all right, bro.

Fat motherfucker, you.

He's putting more of an effort into confirmation.

Please leave me a message, and I'll give you a call back.

He said.

At the tone, please record your message.

He's putting more of an effort into the art of confirmation.

information he's working in the footsteps of the great list of those people we've lost here

to hiv no it's not true gas station for sale all right old black dude picked up at 8 26 p.m

all right whole black dude hey hello they're gonna sell the gas with it right

location gotta come with gas almost all beer too yeah hi you're selling the tiger express

Express.

You're selling it?

Selling a Tiger Express?

Mira.

Yes, it's for sale.

This is Ali?

My name is Ali, yes.

Ali Feeney.

Hey, big dick.

I am calling.

So when I buy it, do I get a beer license also with the sale?

Yes, well, no.

Beer license is not transferable.

I don't have it anyway.

One of the reasons I'm sorry is because I lost my liquor license eight months ago.

Why?

So, well, it's a long story.

I became a felon for some reason.

But anyway, it's not transferable anyway.

You have to apply.

I want to sell.

You know, how often do they come check to sell for kids?

You know, because that's what I want.

Yeah, you make a lot of money doing that, man.

You know, I can make a lot.

what? I can make a lot of money

if I sell it to the kids here and there, but

how often do they come to check, you know?

Like, once a month? You can't sell to kids.

If you sell to kids, you're going to lose

your liquor license. I know, but I don't

want to do it, like, you know, on the side

a little bit here and there, you know? Okay, bye.

Talk to you later. Okay.

That's what you did, wasn't it, Ali?

Don't be acting like that's not what you did.

Ali did that.

He's acting like he did, and he knows he did.

That's why he lost his alcohol license.

He lost his alcohol license when he was at the bar.

That's why he quoted the law and hung up.

He cannot speak about pending litigation, of course.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, that's what he did.

He used to sell.

Yeah, man, because you can make a lot of money.

So, look, when I was still living in Orlando, the trip that I used to take,

I passed by this little quaint convenience store.

No gas, but it had convenience stuff, you know?

And the guy had, like, a little deli in there, too, and he used to make, like, these nice sandwiches and shit.

So I will come in, and sometimes I will hang out with him for, like, 30 minutes sometimes before work just talking to him and shit.

And so when he first started, I used to visit.

There was this dude.

I think his name was Mohammed.

And he was the owner of this place.

and he got shot one night in the shoulder and he basically he got robbed at gunpoint someone

robbed his wife at gunpoint he was in the back when he came out they were leaving and he fucking

home the homeboy man he went all the way out to the door and was like hey motherfucker like that

like he didn't give a shit he was like you motherfuckers you you know and they shot him

in the shoulder and

he stood he didn't

collapse he didn't fall or nothing he took

the fucking shot I was like holy

shit so I talked to his wife

I talked to his wife and I was

actually kind of close to his wife and

I was like yeah we're gonna have to close she used to

make these really good egg sandwiches for me all the

time I never talked about this because

I don't like giving away too much about

close to where I live because I don't want

you know bullshit to happen to

these people start getting prank calls and stuff

like that but

But this guy got shot in the shoulder.

Anyway, so this new guy, he bought it, an American guy.

He lived locally, and he bought it, I guess.

He was, like, retired, this guy.

And he said he just wanted to have something to do,

and then he also bought the laundromat that was right next.

There's a little mini laundromat that this guy owns.

That's the building.

And he said, so get this.

He said that, like, within his first week, he got, like, one week,

and he said he got somewhere in the teens, like, you know,

anywhere between 10 and 19 of uh teenagers coming in trying to buy beer and shit and he's like what

and like they were like yeah man muhammad used to let us buy you know like it was a known thing

locally for the high school here this is where you go to buy beer and he was like no man you

can't know the shit's changed like it's like oh like he's not doing that um but he was like he

He said he estimated, he compared what Muhammad, on his paperwork when he sold the business,

what he was making from beer sales, he compared that to what he started making

when he was just selling to everyone 21 and up.

It was somewhere like 30%, I think, the guy, of his business.

30% of his business total, that's everything, he estimated was based on what he sold to illegal.

illegally to kids yeah he was making some pretty good money doing that shit yeah yeah he was that

dude but he ended up getting shot that guy was i remember i read a article when that happened and

and the police chief was saying like the guy he's a tough man he was saying about it because

he took the shot and fucking like stood there like a fucking determinator it fucking kept

yelling shit at them after they shot him and sped off that fucking crazy that guy yeah so but his

His wife was like, we can't do this anymore.

I remember she was telling me.

Because I went there two days after it happened, and it was a Saturday night.

I didn't even know what had happened.

And I went to open the door on Saturday morning around 7 o'clock.

I was stopping like I did.

No, the door was locked.

But she was inside, and she came real quick, and she opened the door for me.

I'm like, oh, what's up?

I was like, did they get robbed or something?

I was thinking, uh-oh, something must have happened.

She's like, yeah, we got robbed, and Muhammad got shot.

I'm like, what?

It's like, yeah, Muhammad got shot, and she was so nervous, and she had locked herself.

She was there, but she would only open the door if you'd knocked on the door first.

I was like, oh, my God.

She was freaked out.

Wow.

She was there by herself, and her husband was in the hospital still.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, I was like, wow, you should just, I mean, she's like, we can't close.

She's like, we can't, we can't afford to close.

I'm like, wow.

Yeah, man, that was some crazy shit.

So, yeah, he was, like, they ended up selling it to this local guy who lived, like, in the local neighborhood.

That guy, yeah, he was fucking, that guy's fucking awesome.

He's this hipster old hippie guy that owns the state.

He makes, like, hummus sandwiches and shit like that.

Did he make the Cubano sandwich?

I don't think he made Cuban.

He might, he might.

Man, I got some of the best Cubano sandwiches when I was in Florida on the Virgin Islands.

There must be real Cuban, man, but they were good sandwiches.

I've never had them that good anywhere else.

Yeah, yeah, man.

I love Cubano.

I mean, they got that fork in it and cheese and shit.

That dressing is like, oh, man.

Swiss cheese.

Swiss cheese, right?

And a pickle.

Pickle spear.

Yeah.

Not a spear, but like a long-sliced pickle, usually, or just sliced dill pickle, which

I hate.

They're so good, man.

They're, like, lightly sweet, but just totally, like, a million pounds of flavor, man.

That fork's just right, dude.

dude. Pickle in there, make it crunchy

on a night toasted

sandwich. Oh, shit, I'm getting hungry. I can't get

some anymore, dude. We don't have anywhere

around here to sell a Cubano. I know of.

You gotta find a sandwich store, man.

There's a sandwich store that can do that.

Yeah, you know, but, like, you know,

dude, that's a real, like, that's like

a regional sandwich. I mean, you know,

I mean, they may have it. If they have

something even close, you know, I'll think

about it. Listen, you can go to Subway.

They'll make it for you. I bet you Subway will

hook you up with a Cubano, dude. There ain't

That's the same thing.

Listen, you go to a Subway, you say, look, I want the deli sandwich.

Well, I want you to put the Swiss cheese on it.

I don't think they have Swiss.

You say, put the Swiss cheese on it.

It has to be Swiss, and it has to be that pulled, like, pork, dude,

that real tender pork they got.

No, that's not what you put on a Cuban sandwich, man.

It's not no pulled pork.

You're talking pernil?

No, I don't know if it's pulled or not.

It's pork.

I know that.

I can't remember if it's pulled or not.

I know it's pork.

I thought it was just ham.

I thought this was ham, dude.

This is straight up ham.

No, it's pork and ham, I think.

I don't know about pork and ham.

I thought it was just ham machine.

Ham, Swiss cheese.

Well, the one I had had pork in it, so I don't know.

There may be really eight of them, but the motherfuckers were good.

Like I said, they're only not the same.

Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, Swiss cheese, mustard, pickles.

They can do it.

And they can make it hot and press it like a press machine.

It comes down.

Oh, they can do it at Quiznos, right?

Yeah, man, they'll do that shit, man.

That would be good there.

That's kind of similar.

I don't know if they have a...

I don't know if they do.

You know who makes a good Cuban sandwich is motherfucking Publix, man.

Publix will hook you up.

I mean, oh, man.

Check, check, Florida, right?

Yeah, I can't call Publix.

In Florida, they know how to make the Cubano.

I don't know what they call it.

Publix goes all the way up to the...

People that live there.

Publix goes all the way up to North Carolina, like Charlotte.

How much is a Publix Cubano?

Maybe like five, six bucks.

The footlong, footlong, footlong, five, six bucks.

Let's call up and order them, man.

I'll split one with you.

Yeah, Publix, any Publix is closed now.

They're a real conservative company.

I'll trade you a Daily Double for one.

No, they're a real conservative company.

They don't open holidays, and they open real early on Sundays.

I know for a fact.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Listen, can you make Cuban sandwich at Subway?

Where's this?

I want to have a Cuban sandwich, please.

You have the order?

You make the order?

Yeah, Cuban sandwich.

The sandwich?

One Cuban sandwich.

Cuban sandwich?

Yes.

Oh, my.

You can...

Yes.

Today?

Yeah, today, for me.

You can...

You can come here.

How many?

Four.

No, two.

Two.

Two, please.

Yeah, yeah.

You can...

You can come here.

Come on, motherfucker.

You don't need that shit, motherfucker.

Come on.

Punyeta.

Yeah, but she's a stupid, right?

Because I'm just asking, hey, can you make a Cuban sandwich?

She's like, yeah.

The problem is that these places are going to close.

Shit.

You got to call quick, buddy.

I mean, this is like comfort food.

You buy the sandwiches from Publix.

There's some 24-hour subways, I'm pretty sure.

Or some that are open real late.

They don't have any 24-hour Publix's.

I thought they did.

No, they're not.

There aren't any 24-hour Publix's.

I guarantee you, Publix's is one of those super concerns.

Hello, stop waiting. Thank you for calling.

Hi, can I make an order?

Hello?

Yeah, I'd like to make an order.

What sandwich do you want?

One Cuban sandwich.

Huh?

Cuban sandwich.

Do you have a Cuban sandwich?

No, we don't have that.

Okay, puta. Do you have puta?

What is that? Do you have puta?

Puta madre. Do you have that sandwich?

We don't have that, sir. I'm sorry. We don't have that.

Do you have bhenchod?

No, no, no.

Okay, can I make a sandwich with two women and I'm the meat in the middle?

Pouti sandwich.

What?

I don't know what she's speaking.

I said pouti sandwich.

She's trying to hang up the phone machine.

She's having trouble hanging up.

I've been hanging up.

I'll let her go.

So yeah, that was the Subway.

Nice.

Very nice.

I like to have booty sandwich.

Yeah, very nice.

So yeah, no Cuban sandwich at Subway, bro.

I know Publix, you can go to Publix.

You have a Publix there?

Who else fixes a Cubano, dude?

I have here mostly, man.

Sobix, but that's just the Florida branch.

I don't know who else would make a Cuban sandwich.

Dude, it's only going to be East Coast near Florida, man,

because there's not going to be a Cuban influence outside of that region, you know?

Do you think, like, um...

New York, maybe.

Now, New York might have a Cubana sandwich.

Maybe.

But do you think Denny's could...

I don't know if Denny's has something like that.

They have the Moons Over Miami.

That's in...

I don't know.

You may know better than that, and I'm not sure about what...

I remember Denny's made all kinds of shit in Florida, though.

I remember that.

I just don't remember what.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, man.

What about Pizza Hut?

No, Domino's makes sandwiches, but I don't think they have a Cuban.

No, that's something that you, yeah.

Domino's is a good sandwich, really, dude.

I know, like, until you've tried one, you think it's a bunch of bullshit.

I'm telling you, it is a good sandwich.

Well, will Quiznos make a Cuban?

The Quiznos is almost out of business.

Well, they made one now.

I would actually go and get one tonight.

I mean, those fuckers are good.

Well, Quiznos, are they still over there on the West Coast?

Because they're mostly gone in a lot of places.

No, they got Quiznos out here, but, you know, I don't go to them because, you know, I didn't know they had a Cubano, that's for sure.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

I've had this a few times.

There was a Quiznos that opened once close to where I worked in Orlando, and I hit this up.

It's actually pretty good.

They got a Cuban pulled pork sandwich they have.

It's 500 calories.

I told you the Cubanos I got had pork in them and ham, but they had pork in it.

Slow-roasted pulled pork and honey ham topped with melted Swiss cheese,

crunchy pickles, mayonnaise, and mustard served on your choice of artisan breads.

Ciabatta, pretzel, white, wheat, rosemary, parm, or jalapeno cheddar.

I would go with the white there, you know?

I was going to say the other one with the corns in it.

I don't like pretzel bread.

I'm really, I hate pretzel bread sandwiches.

Nothing can ruin a sandwich.

and for some reason here in Pennsylvania

these motherfuckers are pretzel sandwich this

pretzel sandwich that I hate it

it's a sweet fucking hard bread

I am not a fan of pretzel bread sandwiches

and I don't like that I moved to a place

where it seems to be all the rage

who fucking cares

that you took a good sandwich

and you ruined it with pretzel bread

slicing a big pretzel in half

like it's a bagel

and making a sandwich out of it

great idea

yummy

I'm not good.

You know what's possible at McDonald's now?

You can go to McDonald's and tell them you want a double quarter pounder with cheese,

but you want them to make it with sausage patties instead, and they'll do that for you.

That's fucking awesome.

They'll make it with a what?

If you go in the middle of the day, you can go to McDonald's and say,

I'd like a double quarter pounder with cheese.

Replace the meat patties with sausage patties, and they will make it for you in the middle of the day.

Yeah, you can.

You can have an option.

You get less meat, but you can make a fucking sausage fucking burger sandwich in the middle of the afternoon if you want.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, man.

Dude, I'd have to have a gallon of milk with that son of a bitch.

Or you could order a Big Mac and have them put it on a McMuffin.

Yeah.

I was thinking about a Big Mac with a slice of tomato on it.

Do you think they'll do that?

Hang on.

Now we got, let's check in with McDonald's again because now I'm starting to dig their new menu choices that I just reported on.

See, I think they're just not marketing it right, Milkman, because we're coming up with some great ideas.

I'm coming up with some great ideas right now.

They got some very, very tasty, I mean, I'm telling you, this, like, putting that ripe tomato, not just a tomato, a ripe, red, ottery tomato on there, hmm, really makes a sandwich.

They got something with that tomato, it really is.

oh yeah hi listen you guys have your 24-hour breakfast now right yeah right yeah all right

so as long as we're open since we're not a 24-hour store but you know you know what i'm

talking about all day okay so listen so in theory i can get a big mac and have it on

the mcmuffins instead of the bread oh how much is charged i mean i'm pretty sure you could

You could sub out 10 to 1.

10 to 1?

I'm not sure about the whole center bun, though.

The center bun?

Well, yeah, fuck it.

Keep the center bun there, then.

I don't care.

But you could definitely sub out 10 to 1 on McMuffin.

Yeah, and maybe we'll get rid of the center bun.

That's fine.

I don't want the center bun.

Yeah, it all works out.

And how much does that cost?

Is that even swap?

Breads for breads?

Come on.

Carb for carb.

Come on.

You got to work from here.

Let me, hold on.

It'd be about $4.34.

I can do that.

that i could do that wow for a big mac though so then it's just uh it's it'll have two patties

the sauce cheese extra pickles onions right there's a lettuce all that shit it'll have all

that good stuff on it yeah and instead of bread and we're gonna have two mcmuffin all right now

yeah can i make a quarter pounder with cheese with sausage patties okay i'm like some sort of

mission yeah because we're gonna come make a special order and we're gonna put it on the

you too yeah i mean you could it'd just be the same price same price that's you see we so we

can sell out one kind of patty for the other it'd be the same price wow so we can make i don't know

what they'll tell you like during the day or anything but i'm kind of like the coolest person

here yeah well we'll come and see you then or whatever we'll force it we'll force them to do

it they can't do anything about it i have an answer okay you have an answer what you have an answer

were you adding something i'm sorry what oh i thought you said you had a question oh okay never

everyone um i forgot now you threw me off track with that um did you have anything for me that

you wanted to ask what did you have anything for me you wanted to know or ask third patty to big

mac you can't second bread middle bread yeah because you can add more patties it's like a

dollar 49 right to add more patties of meat to your sandwich and a center bread too and a center

bread oh you see milk definitely do that right meat so it just be like 90 cents per extra patty

But at a certain point, it becomes more economical to buy just two of the sandwiches and build it yourself, right?

Yeah.

See, Milkman, they get you like that.

Like, if you were going to add on, like, say, a fourth patty, it'd be better to just get...

Ah.

How about a Big Mac with a fresh tomato?

I'm sorry?

How much?

Tomatoes are 25 cent upcharge.

Different pricing.

You see, now, Burger King is 49 cents, and that's ridiculous for that, yeah.

It's a little bit different because they're different stores.

They had 49 cents at the other McDonald's.

And you know about Operation Cobalt?

You know about Cobalt, Operation Cobalt?

I do not.

That's the elimination of the Daily Double.

You didn't know about that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's gone, right?

You guys don't have it anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we lost ours, too.

Actually, hey, hold on.

All right, well.

Can you make a Daily Double if it's not on the menu?

I'm sorry?

Even if it's not on the menu, can you make a Daily Double for us even if it's not on the menu?

in here you'd have to ask for it the exact way in drive-thru like take a sandwich and then sub it

all out it comes out to like two something don't you don't have to do the math you sound busy you

have a rush you get you busy you need to go i do have customers coming through and i have only one

person in drive-thru all right well listen you you go take care of that honey and i'll be down

there we'll sit down we'll talk we'll have coffee right thank you okay we'll smell each all right

guys have a good night smell each other's bodies that sounds good it's sausage mcmuffin big mac

milkman fuck the quarter pounders oh shit sausage oh my gosh this is fucking hilarious dude like

everybody's got different prices like like they're what she said there's a 25 right and

they're like other one was 49 like i was here one of them was 60 cents for a for a tomato slice so

like the prices of these add-ons are different everywhere you go the big variance in prices

Yeah, dude, that's how they get you, your little upgrades and your little nuances.

That's where they make their money.

Yeah, they don't make their money with...

I don't think they make that much money with upgrades.

Burger King apparently does it even more money.

Even though they say, have it your way, like, yeah, have it however you want.

They're going to charge a fight.

They charge more than McDonald's will for that shit.

But you can go there.

But they have free mayo where 10 cents to take off the ketchup and 15 add mayo.

Oh, hey, there's a trick to that, by the way.

When you go, you want mayo on your sandwich, right?

Don't order it on the sandwich.

When you get to the window where you're going to get your food and they give it to you,

you say, hey, can I get a mayo packet, please?

And they're like, okay, and they give it to you.

it's the same fucking mayo

McDonald's has mayo packets

I've never seen them before

yeah just

you have to ask for them

at the window

and that way

you can ask

hey can I get two mayo packets

they're like okay

and they'll give you

your mayo packets

they usually roll their eyes

sometimes

like ugh

cause they gotta go

yeah they'll have to go

look around for them

motherfuckers

cause I've never

heard of them

no they keep them

there

I've never been to one

that doesn't have it

but they'll bring it to you

and they don't charge you

for it at that point

it's awesome

I'll be darned

what I like about

the one thing I like

about the mcdonald's mayo it's fucking thick yeah man that's good when they put that shit on that

daily double man it just it's like i don't know it's nothing it's not quite cheese but it's thick

it doesn't go anywhere you know like a lot of times the mayo and shit gets runny and like starts

you know like making a sandwich all soggy and shit you know what i mean yeah this mayo they

use is industrial strength dude it stays like it stays congealed man it doesn't like melt and like

like soak up the bread and everything, and now it's great taste.

Yeah, shout out to Mike who's saying that Milkman doesn't like ketchup on Facebook.

That's true.

We were learning that.

Milkman, you don't like ketchup at all, do you?

You're not a fan.

No, I do like ketchup.

I like it, like, on my fries and stuff.

But what my point was is if you try to take a double cheeseburger that has ketchup on it already

and then add a tomato to that, you get double sweet, and it doesn't taste good.

I like ketchup on the burger, but it's not with the tomato at the same time.

that's too much of that yeah that's too that's too overpowering tomato you know that's so right

because now you had yeah what you have is a luscious tomato taste now that's like got like

pound of sugar to it with the ketchup yeah it's too much because it's dominated by that sweet

tomato taste and then you get more mediocre uh tomato added to it and that right there and keep

in mind you don't might not realize a lot of people don't and you probably don't when you're

eating it but tomatoes are very acidic and then that you know contributes to a little bit of

indigestion maybe more farting you know you'll have problems like ken does where he was in the

hospital recently yeah it depends on your your gastric condition you know if your if your system's

been on the edge for a while it could upset it but it's not that i have anything against ketchup

i'm okay with ketchup my biggest problem with modern ketchup is is there really like i don't

I call all of it, like, corn syrup.

Flavoring added.

Because all the modern ketchups and shit like you get,

basically corn syrup is shit added to it.

A little bit of flavoring.

Really corn syrup you're buying.

Yeah.

That's why I don't like real ketchup that much

or what we call real ketchup today.

Real ketchup actually has sugar in it.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

That's true.

So, like, what I've resorted to doing

is actually I'll go to these, like, Oriental stores

and I'll buy, like, Japanese ketchup.

And if you try it, taste it.

It tastes very tomato-y, but it doesn't taste all sweet and sugary, dude.

It's not like eating candy, man.

It's actually good.

It's soft just a little bit more, but it doesn't have cornstarch in it.

It really makes a difference.

I usually keep some McDonald's ketchup packets in my car and my desk at work

because if my sugar gets low, that's something I can take and my sugar will go up really quick.

If I'm having a low sugar bout, I'll bring it up.

That hasn't happened in a while to me.

Well, I'm glad you're keeping on top of it, dude.

Now, let that be a lesson to Mr. Cannon and all you guys out there that have recently discovered you have issues.

It can be put under control.

There are many people that have done it.

It can be done by all of us.

I've done it.

Kim's done it.

There's hope for everybody.

If you want to live, you can.

That's right.

That's very, very right.

You don't have to be diabetes and dead.

From the guy whose life has been upended due to the fact that his favorite McDonald's sandwich has been discontinued

and is looking for options to still make it somehow, even at a much higher cost.

I'm just saying.

I love you, man.

That's where you're at right now.

Your calculations are just great, dude.

It's better than a fucking comic book.

Okay, we got a beautiful painting for sale.

A beautiful painting.

Oh, my.

That's what I was going to say about it.

$200.

It's 46 by 34.

It's some kind of scene.

It looks shitty to me.

I better have some serious nudity in it for that kind of price.

Yeah, I'm going to tell him that.

I'm going to put nudies.

Grab penises or boobies or pussies or something.

Poo-tees or something in there.

I'm going to put a vagina walking.

I don't prefer a penis in my butt, you know.

Oh, but for Dwight.

For Dwight.

This painting.

For Dwight.

For that kind of price.

Put it for Dwight so he can see it and be happy.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You have a painting, a beautiful oil.

Yeah, you have a beautiful oil painting.

Hello.

Okay, good.

Is it still available?

um yes it is and do you know who the artist may have been was a personal acquaintance or

someone you know who's known no i have a certificate um on the back i don't know

who it is fuck it yeah all right um do you have any problems if i you know when i take it i like

to add some stuff to it uh

particularly once you buy it you can do whatever you want with it let's

to put some nude scenes on it around the lake.

And I'd also like to have a pair of lips.

A pair of lips with a long pair of lips.

And they get to say that I wanted to have a pair of lips

with a pair of long legs and long stockings.

Stocking and black stocking and long heels.

heels uh but i didn't get to get that i'll be very i'm really surprised at how good cooperation

we're getting from the staffs at mcdonald's big burger king and yeah i mean they're very

cooperative amazingly so he's laughing a lot today he's having a good time i think she really

liked it when i started ordering them right at the bridge here the order goes through it

you can't keep a straight face stupid shit like i want to add nudity what's wrong with me i've

I've lost my prank juice.

Prank juice.

Uh, we got a beautiful paint.

No, that was the one we just called.

Duh.

Uh, we got someone who pays cash for houses.

Okay.

Someone picked up around 843 with some kind of hotline.

Um, I don't know.

It's kind of late.

We'll try it.

Let's see.

Hot, aren't they?

We'll see if they're hot.

It's so hot.

They don't fall down?

Yeah, I'm listening to selling the fucking shit home.

My name is Cross.

I'm a homeowner, and I hate this fucking house.

it's fucking a piece of shit i want to sell it and make it miserable i want to sell it to a bad

family i would whatever right you said your last name was cros yeah name please the i'm sorry what

was the first name again please the t-h-e t-h-e thank you it's thank you very much mr cross that's

have an email address please no i don't use that shit sir what is the appraisal value of the

property please uh i don't know it's a piece of shit i don't know it's a fucking piece of shit

Sir, please do not use profanity, or I will disconnect the call.

This is how I talk.

God damn.

May I have the street address, please?

Is there a man I can talk to?

Not at the moment, but may I have the street address?

That's a big problem.

You don't have a man there.

Who's in charge?

A woman?

May I have the street address, please, sir?

Yeah, it's 123 Fake Street, F-A-K-E.

Sir, and the street city?

Anytown, A-N-Y-T-O-W-N.

State, please?

California, 90210.

Very much. That's One Town, California, 902.

Yes.

Thank you, sir. Are there any repairs that need to be made on the house?

Yes.

Very much. And how soon did you want...

Well, the house is on fire, so we need that repaired as soon as possible,

and then we'll move out at that point, depending on how much the fire consumes, which sections.

What's the asking price, please?

Well, we're at $1.

I don't know that free and clear is a piece of shit.

Thank you very much for your call, Mr. Cross.

Ross, I will pay you a loan.

All right, God damn it.

And someone will be in touch.

All right, God damn it.

Thank you so much for calling.

All right.

Have a good day.

Bye-bye.

Bye, woman.

Bye.

Thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

Wow, these are perfect.

Let's see if there's more people at this hotline.

Please hold for We Buy Houses representative.

Sounds like it might be a fun little thing to spread around.

We could have fun with this place.

Thank you for calling We Buy Houses.

Are you interested in selling a home?

I'm interested in selling a home, but it has wheels.

So a mobile home?

No, a car.

okay we don't buy cars we buy houses but i i live in the in in this this is my home it's my house

i have a car i took the the wheels are off of it and the car is on bricks right now so it doesn't

move it's permanently here and legally per the city charter it's a home they can't get me out

of here now sorry i understand but we don't buy that type of house we buy no you got it you have

you know i know my rights and i know the laws and the lending laws and you have to at least

consider it and take the information. I'd be happy to take your information. I don't think

they're going to be interested, though. Okay, well, hurry up and take the information and

stop making presumptions. May I have your name, please, sir? Yeah, my name is Cross, C-R-O-S-S.

Your last name? That's my last name. Okay, what's your first name? The, T-H-E. And your phone number,

sir? It's 225-283-4656. 225-283-4656. Yes. Okay, and is there an address to the property? Yeah,

it's 123 fake street f-a-k-e what city roy r-o-y new mexico uh i don't i don't know what it is

like i just kind of this is where i ran out of gas and i just i pushed it to parallel park it

i had my buddy he pushed it for me and i i did the steering and i'm under the light post here

and yeah and by law we found out one of the local lawyers he does pro bono work for homeless people

And he said, yeah, if you take the wheels off your car, it's permanently there.

It's not moving.

You have no intent to move it at any time.

You put it on bricks so that it's secure, and you live in that, and that is your house legally.

And they passed a law that says, yeah, it's a legal dwelling.

And I get Social Security and everything from it.

So I want to sell this piece of shit.

I'm going to get a real fucking house.

If you're going to curse at me, I can go ahead and just end the call now.

Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

Well, I'm not cursing at you.

Thank you for calling.

We're not cursing at you, we're cursing about the car.

Oh my God, everyone, let's all call that together.

We'll call that, I'm going to save that.

And I'd like for that to become our new thing, you know.

Yeah, man, let's like keep this one here.

Let's like, let everybody exploit that and kill it.

We can have some fun with that.

You've got to look great, because I'll take the order no matter what you say.

He's been praying for cursing at me.

He's been praying for cursing at me, that's right.

That is what she said, buddy.

I'm going to have to disconnect your call.

You curse her.

You're like that little white thing that blinks at the screen, you know?

Oh, yeah?

Right here.

That's really nice of you to put it that way.

I appreciate it, you know?

So, I've got to take that break.

When I come back, we're going to do more prank calls.

I've got a bunch of numbers lined up here.

I like to call that place again.

That'd be kind of funny.

That place is a lot of fun.

We got people who, let me save that here, paying cash for houses.

Those kind of places, a lot of times they advertise,

like they just have like these nailed hand-drawn signs on my post.

Hey, you know what's bad?

Those are good ones.

We got tons of them around here because, man, I mean, I'm like real close to Oakland.

I've seen those numbers, dude.

I'll like start snagging them, copying them down.

Yeah, people do that shit, man.

Or they like put liens on their houses.

Well, they're big business here.

I never thought of calling them, dude, but they're big business here.

Yeah, they do.

I talk to people, and, like, you know, they tell me, you know, a lot of people sell that shit.

Yeah.

And they turn them over for, like, you know, next to nothing, man.

They go to buy a house that's, like, ready to fall apart.

And they have a bunch of money.

You can come in and fix it and get all pennied up and shit and sell that motherfucker

before they realize what hit them.

We have someone looking for an Asian girlfriend.

We also got a dwarf rabbit for sale.

We got some Jordans for PS4.

Jordans for PS4.

He has shoes for a PS4.

I don't know if he's saying he'll trade Jordans for a PS4.

I think that's what he means.

I guess so.

There's a lot of exploitation now in that call.

Yeah, we also have some Twitter complainers coming in for Time Warner, etc.

A lot of those machines, you know.

I'm sure we'll have some guests on a little bit later.

Milkman will be here.

We'll take that break.

I'll be right back in like six, seven minutes.

I'm gonna do some dishes

I'll be right back

I gotta go wash my hair too

I gotta go take a shit in the toilet

I'm not taking anybody

Or listening to

Madhouse

On the largest

Prank call station in the nation

Prank call nation

I hope that when you die

Put your GPS in your box

Door at the bottom

So when you die

You open up trap door at the bottom

Check the GPS

And you go down to the hell

You are bigger than a woman

You are better than a woman

We'll always be behind you

Do not let a woman

Ever make you who you are

Hey I'm back

I'm Carlito

Oakman here

I remember that call

That's been a long time ago

That's a good fucking call

That's a classic call dude

Unless you've got any ground to be bitching like you already had them, you know?

She's like trying to tell you what you're going to do.

Yeah.

Let's see. Teeter Table Infomercial.

The Teeter Table. Let's see if we can hear the Teeter Table commercial.

Teeter Table.

It's playing.

We got the ability to play. Here we go.

let's hear the teeter table everybody i created teeter hang-ups so people could live healthier

more active lives i know what it's like to have back pain when i found inversion it changed my

life forever and i believe it can change yours put your arms back turn upside down and and

and feel relief is it's awesome to release the tension in my back with a teeter it's great i

I love it.

Teeter hang-ups is easy to use.

Simply set it, lock it, recline, and relax just minutes a day in your own home

to help temporarily relieve stress and tension, reduce joint pressure, and build core strength.

The Teeter offers a gentle stretch using gravity and your own body weight

to create a natural form of traction,

offering temporary relief from back pain by relaxing tense muscles

and decompressing the spine to reduce pressure on the discs

that are vital to keeping painful pressure off the nerves and maintaining flexibility.

The Teeter Hang-Ups has been great for me.

I could not believe it.

Wait a minute.

What's a natural form of traction?

Is there an artificial form of traction?

I don't understand.

Traction is like where they put you in a hospital.

But they say natural.

It's all gravity and weight.

Unless you're in space and they're giving you traction and you're in space

and they're generating artificial gravity and artificial traction, maybe.

I think what they're saying is if you're still using weights, you're only using the weight of your...

Yeah, but...

You're actually going up on counter to that.

No muscles to, like, pull...

Yeah, but the use of the word teeter, the term teeter...

A teeter.

The use of the term natural traction, I think, in this case, is a stretch.

I think that's a...

There may be...

Well, there could be an argument.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying.

Let's hear the rest of this before we call.

I believe that I could feel that much better that fast.

My lower back was feeling better in the mornings,

and I just kind of felt rejuvenated getting off it every day.

Medical and scientific studies around the world have shown the benefits of inversion,

and over 2 million people have put their trust in teeter-hangers.

I'm over 72, and I feel great.

A daily routine, which is what Roger's recommending,

is a very good way of getting your back in great shape.

It's easy to do, and I feel the safest product that's available

to hang upside down and decompress your back.

Wow.

You hear that?

The best, Milkman.

Well, let's call the best.

We're calling them manufacturers.

Yep.

It's been pre-tested.

We're told here we can press one to get to a person.

Good.

We'll see.

Parkman, hopefully.

They're just saturating the market here on TV.

They're on here all the time.

Hello, and thanks for calling Teeter.

This is your first step to feel better, move better, and live better with the Teeter Inversion Table.

If you're calling about the status of an existing or...

It might be closed now.

We look forward to helping you today.

Since 1981, millions...

For calling Teeter Hangups, for your protection, this call will be recorded.

My name is Jessica, and I am so excited to help you.

May I ask who I'm speaking with today?

Yes, since you're so excited for your protection, I will be using protection myself.

Giggity.

My name is Cross.

Okay. Sounds good. Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. Could you repeat that?

My name is Cross. Yes. And I understand that this thing creates natural tension, correct?

Natural what?

It gives you natural and...

National traction.

It releases.

Well, what's artificial traction then? Explain.

I would guess that that's when you have a machine that isn't giving you just gravity-fed traction.

No, there's no...

Which is very simple. It's trying to hurt you.

That doesn't make any sense.

So I'll be more than happy to help explain it to you, Cross. Are you...

Traction by definition is the use of gravity to, you know, stretch and realign joints and muscles and tendons.

So the only, I mean, in space you would have to create artificial traction vis-a-vis a form of artificial gravity

or some type of electronic pulley system since that there's, you know, it's a weightless environment.

So in that case, but we're not talking about something that's being developed here for a space program

or use in lower Earth orbit or anything like that, correct?

So this is something that your body is doing by itself.

It's not something that it is going to be having certain things pull on each side of the body.

Yeah, but gravity is nature.

Nature is gravity, and gravity is natural, and the laws of gravity apply.

Right, and that's exactly what this will do for you.

So what kind of back pain are we helping you with today, Cross?

Lower back pain.

You've got the lower back pain.

Do you know what's causing it?

Yeah, from kicking chickens.

So that's probably a little bit of a workout in the lower back pain.

How long has it been bothering you?

Chickens have been pissing me off for a while.

And how long has your lower back been bothering you?

Just about since the first day that I started kicking the chickens around.

And has that been a few months, a couple years?

It's been a few months now that I started kicking the chickens every night when I get drunk.

Have you done any past to try and treat the pain from that?

I try to not kick chickens.

That could definitely help. How's that been affecting?

I have an uncontrollable urge to start caking chickens every night again, and I have to do it.

And have you ever tried inversion treatments before, or would this be your very first time?

Describe treatment.

Using the inversion treatment, meaning have you ever used any kind of inversion table?

Have you ever hung upside down to try and help your bat?

Or is this going to be your first time doing it?

Well, I used to kind of hang upside down.

I used to pretend that I was like a bat, like Batman, you know, when I was young.

Yeah, but that's kind of how it works.

It helps out quite a bit.

So I would, like, hang off the edge of the bed, you know, and go back using my core.

And I would engage.

I would engage.

I would do a negative engagement of my core to go back as far as I could.

And I'd be like, I'm Batman.

I'm Batman.

Like that.

But it's been a while.

So, Chris, I am very excited to be called today because Teeter is going to change your life.

People have been using Inversion to treat back pain for decades.

Listen, don't read from the script and throw out the script.

Just tell me honestly what this is going to do for me, and have you used it?

What have you heard?

What's the street beat on it?

Don't give me the script and the bullshit.

Right, so I do use it.

Me and my husband share it.

We absolutely love it.

I got to the point where I couldn't even turn my neck,

and this has been able to help tremendously.

How much weight does it take?

today how much weight does it take this model is 300 or 300 300 weight limit 300 pound weight

limit and you can't own it today and you can get it in your home for 14.95 today and once you get

this in your home and actually use it the first time that you lock in your ankles and flip upside

down you are going to feel that rush of relaxation yeah and rush of blood listen so 300 300 pounds

total um so i'm guessing you you and your husband are an average of 150 pounds or less then

Right around there.

Yeah, because you guys were both, you said you both used it, right?

Yep, he uses it and I use it.

We absolutely love it.

It's been able to help with our back pain tremendously.

Okay.

We absolutely love it.

So like I said, you can only use it for three years.

It's not recommended for use as a sexual device, for sexual engagement, correct?

No, that is not what this is for.

This is for back pain.

But you said, because when you said you and your husband both use it.

Quite a bit.

When you said you and your husband both use it quite a bit and you said wink, wink like that.

No, it's just something that we use separately.

You winked at me.

Why did you wink at me like that when you said it?

So it is just three payments of $99.95 to own it.

And did you see the part about the free gifts that we give you as well, Grodd?

Why don't you explain it to me slowly?

So the free gifts is a free bonus pack.

Slowly, slowly.

It has our acupuncture notes.

Slow.

I can't understand.

Slow.

It has the acupuncture notes.

Slow.

And the lumbar bridge.

Slow.

You're also getting the back and core system on DVD.

Slower.

And a full five-year warranty.

Slower.

And you're getting a free upgrade to expedited processing as well.

So that is a $150 value for free as part of today's promotion.

And once you try this out, you are absolutely going to fall in love with it.

We are so confident that we are going to give you a full 30 days.

I'm going to fall in love with it?

Am I going to fall in love with it?

You are going to fall in love with it.

Yeah?

Cool.

And you're going to be able to get days no questions asked, money back guarantee.

This call may be monitored for quality purposes.

Uh-huh.

If for any reason you are not completely thrilled with it, just call us and get a full refund of the purchase price guaranteed.

But we do know you're absolutely going to love it.

On top of that, we are giving you it with free shipping.

Yeah, hi, I'm calling from the teeter table.

Do you have the item number?

No.

What's the zip code I'm sending this out to?

What's the item number, ma'am?

What's the zip code I'm sending this out to, Carl?

I need the item number to give to her, please.

I don't have an item number.

I can help you set up the order for the teeter.

What's the zip code I'm sending this out to?

Yeah, we don't have the item number, Black Lady.

Is there another way you can pull it up?

What's the zip code I'm sending this out to, Carl?

I don't know.

I don't know it.

I don't know what the zip code is here.

Okay.

What town and state are you in?

I'll look that up for you.

I don't know.

You don't know where you're at?

No.

Okay.

What was the last sign you saw when you passed?

I don't really have my glasses, so I know there was like a stop sign.

I can tell by the color that it was a stop sign and that it was like an octagon.

is that what it's called it was a it was a pentagon driving around town what town does

it say you're in i don't know i can't see it i can't read it okay well then would you like to

pay today with the visa mastercard american express or discover a serious card i need to

have one that has the logo of a visa mastercard american express or discover all right so which

one do you recommend that i steal whichever one you actually have in your wallet right now in

your pocket well i'm going to steal it from this person's wallet i would recommend using your own

right pocket of your pocket i don't have one but i don't have one but i can steal it from this

person right out i can steal it from this person who's inside the wallet it's in the very back

pocket stop talking over me your card or the visa all right i'm ready it's a master card is it a

visa master card master okay go ahead for whatever you're ready all right let me look here master

Master card 5-1-1-9-1-2-3-8-4-5-6-9-7-1-2-5.

That is an invalid number.

Is there one of those numbers that you're not reading correctly?

No, I read them all to you.

Well, that is an invalid number.

Do you have a valid master card?

No, I don't.

I can steal one.

Well, without a valid master card or debit card in your own name,

we are unable to process the order today.

So go ahead and get a card and then call us back as soon as possible.

We'd love to help you set that up.

I'll steal a card, and I'll call back and not tell them that I stole a card, right?

Right?

And then I'll say that you said it's okay to do that, right?

Yay.

Milkman, yay.

Takes a piece, buddy.

She was almost down with you stealing the card, dude.

She's just anxious to get that fail, man.

We got the Bosley male hair loss system machine.

All right.

All right, David, get on that hair.

Thank you for calling Bosley.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for calling Bosley, the world's most experienced hair restoration expert,

and it's a proud supporter of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

This is Dainty.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I want to put the hair on my back and ass.

Okay, well, good luck to you.

You know what?

Prank calling is illegal.

We can report your number.

No, it's not.

You published this number to be called, you stupid.

Frank calling is illegal.

Call 911. Oh yeah, it's a joke.

I'll bet you

911, if you call them, they'll be all late.

If they even come at all.

Shut up. If they even come at all,

they'll be late.

We got a real hair, yeah.

Why, man?

If you'd like to use that on your head,

Shh. Quiet. Hello? Hello? Hello? Yay. Thank you, Milkman. Yay.

Call may be recorded for quality assurance.

We'll call it. I'll record, Milkman.

The world's most experienced hair restoration expert and a proud supporter of the Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

My name is Ronnie at your service. How can I assist you?

Hi, Coco. How are you?

I'm sorry? My name is not Coco. This is Ronnie. How can I assist you?

Yeah, hi. Why don't you take off your clothes a little bit for these pictures here?

You're going to be a star.

Okay, thank you for calling me. Don't tolerate front callers here.

I'm already a star here. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye.

You ever watch Fame?

Say Coco.

I've been doing my call.

Coco. You know what I'm talking about, Milkman? Coco from, was it Fame?

Let me see if that's on YouTube. Coco, Fame, Scene. Let's see if that comes up.

Bruno and Coco.

Oh, I think it was indeed for the Charlie's Angels, that's all I know.

Oh, very. This is it.

I don't think that's the right one.

That's not it.

There's a scene, right, where Coco is seduced to take off her clothes.

Are you really singing that?

Oh, my God.

I didn't know you knew about that song, I'm in love with the Coco.

I had no idea you knew about that song.

That's really cool.

That's really...

Oh, God, I want to barf, man.

It wore it out.

I mean, it was cheated the first five million times, right?

But after 30 million times, it's like over.

So, 2001.

It's an interesting song.

I think I may have it.

This one.

That fucker.

Oh, God.

That's it.

Where do you hear this played at?

Where do you hear this, like, are you, like, just hearing it?

They play shit everywhere out here in California.

These fucking fools are playing it everywhere.

God, I got tired of it.

You dumb shit.

That was the hot song for a minute there?

Yeah, for a minute it was.

Yeah, dude, they wore it out.

Was it Bruno Mars or Bruno Max or some shit?

I don't even know who it was, but all I know is they wore that motherfucker.

I don't know who it is, and I'm not sure what his name is.

I don't know the word.

That's how many times I've heard it.

I think it's OT Genesis, something like that.

So, like, that gives you an indication that I didn't like it,

and that I actually memorized it from hearing it so many times

that it hates the song.

It was forced into my memory.

Yeah, Mrs. Morgan would play this a lot back in the day.

Not a lot, back in the day, like two months ago.

I got the cocoa on the low load on that bullfuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's an interesting song.

Yeah, Morgan played it a few times on our show.

Dude, it's about fucking making, it's about making crack.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

That's all I'm talking about, dude.

He's talking about, yeah, I got a good deal on coke and a cup and make rock.

Listen, Milkman, this is just black people celebrating the fact that the crack laws got adjusted

and they don't have to do extra time now because the cocaine is in crack form.

and they're celebrating it

and they're just going crazy

with the crack now.

They're like,

nah, fuck it.

You know, fuck it.

Now it's just a slap on the wrist again.

I mean, baking soda

and all that shit,

that's what he's talking about.

Yeah, and the cinnamon.

He's like,

I put cinnamon

and I whip it in a glass.

I put raisin.

I don't know about

the rest of the word,

but I know what he's talking about.

I fucking didn't see

that shit done.

Yeah.

Fuck with that.

I'm not down with it at all.

I'm not interested

in that shit.

And it's like,

baby, you likes it too.

If you leave it as coke

It's a little bit tolerable

But if you start putting it in the crack

It'll fuck you up so bad it's not coke anymore

It's just bad news

Don't freebase man

Yeah you'd be like Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor machine

When you're doing cracking

You're just cracking the molecules right

That's freebase

You're just cutting it from the original molecules

That are joining man and making that shit

Like shit dude

Thank you for calling Bosley

The world's most experienced hair restoration expert

And is a proud supporter of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This is Dainty, how can I help you?

Yes, hi, how are you folks supporting Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

Well, we're supporting it, sir

Like with the bra?

Sorry?

How?

We have some donations, okay?

Donations? Good.

Part of our earnings.

Are you guys going to be involved with the marathon, the walk for the cure?

We support it, okay?

But we have a hair loss problem, sir.

Yeah, do you know Richard Pryor?

Do you remember how Richard Pryor burned his face and hair?

not like michael jackson this was like a different kind of accident you know what i'm talking about

yeah um so maybe someone i'm someone i know uh had that happen to them so how would you guys

what did you do you tape this to the back of the neck or how do you do it we do hair transplant we

take it from the back of the head or the sides we artfully transplant the the hair to the thinning

areas okay we take a linear segment like a strip of tissue uh-huh okay and that's supposed to be a

hair transplant that's supposed to grow and shit supposed to grow but other than that we have other

treatments available like how well does it grow i mean is it a short bat well we guarantee all

our procedures okay so put me down do you want my information i can send you a free kit to know

more about it. Okay. Can I have your name, please? My name is Pico. How do you spell that? P-I-C-O.

What's your last name, please? No, my name is just Pico. Right. How about your last name?

That's my last name. How about your first name? S-E-S. S like Sam? Yeah. And then E,

S like Sam? Yeah. S Pico. Okay. How about your zip code? 90210. 90210. This is in what city?

Barely Hills.

What's your address?

It's 123 Fake Street, F-A-K-E.

You know, I don't think you're quite serious about this.

Every call is recorded.

We can report your number.

Don't you dare.

You don't have my permission to record the call.

You will.

You don't have my permission to record the call.

I don't give you my permission.

Yeah, man.

Pico.

Assistant Pico.

Hello.

Right.

This is Kessel.

Right.

I want you to put a hairpiece on a fella I got working for me.

I own a nice big store, and I got some kid I took off the street, but he looks so silly.

I told him, why don't you get one of them hair pieces on?

But he gets pretty offended because you don't speak English too good.

For sure.

I met him on the street.

He was picking daisies and whatnot.

I said, hey, you want a job?

I'll give you a job.

And he said, I don't know what he said.

Truthfully, I can't understand him.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, but what he needs, he needs a good hairstyle because I don't know.

I don't know.

Something about his appearance.

Well, you want to...

Why, his name is Pico or something like that.

Pico?

Why?

Hello?

Yeah, this is Pico.

He wants to make me get a hair on top of my head because he don't like my hair the way it is now.

Well, that's...

Okay, how does it...

What did you do, the plugs or something like that?

No, no, I got...

Okay, that sounds good.

I put it on top of my head because I don't...

What do you do?

How do you do it?

I tape this piece right here.

I tape it on the back of my neck or how does it go?

No, no, no, you put it on the hair piece.

Hold on, you talk...

Hey, why don't you get off the gun?

Yeah, get off, go back to work.

Go, hello.

Hello.

Yeah, what, you know, I don't, I wanted to get a hairpiece, but I don't really appreciate you speaking.

I'm only trying to explain something to him, he's trying to tell me.

I, get away from me.

I don't appreciate you trying to take my business away speaking to the guy like this.

Because, you know, he, he gotta get to work.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, because, oh, get, go to work.

How, how, who the hell are you?

I said go to work.

Hey, you know, I don't know where you get off speaking to him about hairstyles when he got work to do.

Yeah, I see.

You know, I caught him stealing some peanuts and some money, and he keeps sending it to his family.

Hey, who in the fuck are you? You're a liar.

Hey, get back to work before I give you a beating.

Okay, you there?

Right.

You know, yesterday I kicked him so hard that he was, I don't understand, he's acting crazy now.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, because I kicked him in his little hiney.

Oh, I see.

Right.

Okay, you're starting.

You're really getting on my case now.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Okay.

There you go, Milkman.

Straight from, like, 1993, 94 and shit.

Hey, that's classic, man.

I've never heard that one.

That's a turkey boy?

Yeah, you never heard Pico's Hairpiece?

Yeah, man.

That's a good one, though.

I haven't heard it, dude.

Yeah, man.

That's a good one.

Pico's Hairpiece, bro.

That's a good call.

Classic, man.

Thank you, dude.

Yeah, sure, man.

You got it.

There's a female hair loss product, but I'm not a female.

You know, the other one that's real popular around here besides that Bosley's is Hair Club for Men.

Them motherfuckers run constantly ads at all the top men and Bosley's.

Oh, yeah?

I always play this music.

It's like porno music.

It's got like somebody's solo on a guitar.

It's like, wee-wee-wee.

It's like some kind of like really bullshit, like almost like porno shit.

Bouncy.

On the whole commercial.

Waiting to hear it on that music out there.

You've been asking me for a porn of that kind of bullshit.

Yeah.

All the time.

And here, close for a minute, those folks are out here constantly.

Okay.

There's something called a NutriBullet here that we can order.

Let's see if I can get a commercial.

The NutriBullet RX is good.

That's what I told you I wanted to get one, dude.

And I said I wanted you to get one at the same time.

And we're just going to have our nutrition thing, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm going to get one anyway.

If you don't get one, then I'm ready to get one.

Okay.

Well, let's see. I don't know what to do. Here's introducing the NutriBullet Pro.

Many people have been asking, what's the difference between the NutriBullet and the NutriBullet 900?

So at NutriBullet, we're continually striving to bring...

I can't find the RX, sir. Okay? I can't find it.

Okay, that's the least one. It's more powerful than any of the others.

Here's the NutriBullet show. 25 minutes. Let's listen to the whole thing.

No following it.

No, I'm kidding. Here's part of it.

This is a NutriBullet show.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a NutriBlast.

We've taken all of those cells, pulverized them, flipped them inside out, got all of that juice, all the nutrients, the vitamins, the minerals, the enzymes, the essential fatty acids, the protein.

And now we can actually assimilate and utilize those nutrients.

We've turned this into a superfood.

Listen, juicers make juice and blenders make smoothies.

But the NutriBullet makes nutrient-packed NutriBlast.

All I'm asking you to do is have one NutriBlast a day

and give your body the tools it craves to increase performance

and even reverse the symptoms of aging.

About five years ago, the doctor told me...

Wow, man. I'm sold. I'm sold.

Thank you for calling for the NutriBullet RX.

My name is Tequila.

And to ensure proper handling and quality assurance,

this call will be recorded.

those nutrients we've turned this into a superfood listen juicers make juice and blenders

make smoothies but the nutribullet makes nutrient-packed nutriblasts all i'm asking you to

do is have one nutriblast a day and give your body the tools it craves to increase performance

and even reverse the symptoms of aging yeah that's what i'm talking about is that the is that what

what this is that you have come on i just wanted to play that at her i was gonna start talking

like it was god like milkman does oh my god it's god calm down and made this thing for me

hello can you hear me hello yes i hear you hello hello this is neutral bullet yes and thank you

for calling to order the neutral bullet rx my name is elaine and to ensure proper handling this call

will be recorded is that okay uh yeah that's okay um that could happen i was really happy i saw the

commercial right you know and the guy was explaining i mean i mean listen to what he said

juicers make juice and blenders make smoothies but the nutribullet makes nutrient-packed

nutriblasts that's what i'm talking about he says nutriblasts that it makes nutriblasts

Sir, are you calling to order the product tonight?

Yeah, but I need information about the NutraBlast.

And what is it that you didn't understand?

What makes it exactly?

Can you explain more?

Because he, look, listen to what he says.

All I'm asking you to do is have one.

Hey, I'm going to hang up.

What?

But, hey.

I'm going to hang up.

Why?

I don't need to listen to the ad.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Are you just joking around tonight with more than one of you on the phone?

No.

I heard two people talking.

That's why it took me a while to answer.

Well, that's my dad.

Shut up.

That's my dad.

He'll probably pay for it.

He pays for the stuff.

Yeah.

Well, shut up, please.

I'm sorry.

Shut up, please.

I meant.

Okay.

So you have your card ready?

No.

I need more information.

The NutriBlast.

What is it that happens?

He explained something about the fatty essential oils.

So are you going to play it for me again?

No.

No, if you could explain it to me, I don't have to play it again.

The only reason I'm playing it is because it doesn't make sense what he says,

and I need more information. That's all.

Well, I think it probably does make perfect sense,

and so I would just listen to it again.

You're more than welcome to check out the website at www.nutriblastaday.com

and give your body the tools it craves.

She did not like her own commercial.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for calling for the Nurture Bullet Rx.

My name is Tequila.

And to ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

So may I continue?

Yes, your name is Tequila?

Correct.

Like the drink?

And how are you doing today?

Like the drink?

Yes.

Oh, that's like a stripper name.

Yeah, I'm good.

How are you?

And in order to make sure the Nurture Bullet Rx is available in your area,

may I have your shipping zip code, please?

Oh, I can hear you, dirty girl.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

So may I have your shipping zip code?

The shipping zip code?

It's Roy, New Mexico.

R-O-Y, New Mexico.

I don't remember the zip code at this moment.

I'm new here.

Unfortunately, I will need the number in order to process your order today.

I guess I have to go and find it then, right?

I have to go look at mail?

Is that what I have to do?

I have to go look at mail or something?

Hello?

I just found it.

She was not happy about the name thing.

She was really not happy about that.

Hello?

Thank you for calling for the NutriBullet Rx.

My name is Amanda, and in order to ensure proper handling, this call will be recorded.

Hi, Sexy.

Yeah, regarding the NutriBullet, what information?

Do you have permission to help me out regarding the NutriBullet?

Sir, I just talked to you.

You sound kind of old to be playing on the phone.

I'm not playing.

I really need this information, okay?

I need further explanation about what's going on.

with the

it breaks down the food

to a fine point

so that your body can

yeah but

listen to how he

listen

sir

will you grow up

look he's making it here

let's get the lid on there

you see

put on the extractor blades

onto our NutriBullet

now what's extracting

what is it extracting

exactly

it's a loser

huh

shut up

what does it say

it's extracting

it's such a loser

does it extract the fiber

or the juice

from the fruit

one of these fucking

douchebags

parking in my

What's wrong with you, man?

Damn.

What is wrong with you?

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Why are you so cunty?

Stop it.

Yes?

Do you like somebody being the way that you're being right now while you're on your job?

It would probably, like, lighten the mood a little bit.

Well, it doesn't do that for me.

I'm, you know, a girl.

What does it do?

Does it affect you somehow?

Like, you have to take the calls no matter what.

No, not really.

But the thing about it is, is there's people that are calling in that are actually benefiting from this.

So they talk to someone else.

It's a joke.

Listen, I've had zero hold time all night since I've been calling.

So anyone can call in and get a person immediately.

No one is being inconvenienced by this.

So don't start.

Okay?

Did he just say it tonight?

Yeah, you know that.

You guys are probably all talking around saying,

It's him again.

I got him here.

Oh, I got him here.

My name is Tequila.

I'm a stripper named Tequila.

You know, that's a tequila.

Tequila, is that her name for real?

Did you know there's more than one center in the country?

Yeah, but there's this black girl named Tequila.

Are you talking to losers like you?

How do I keep getting you?

How many times do you think you've talked to me?

At least once, because you said I've already talked to you before.

Wow.

Okay, you're really pissing me off.

I'm going to call and get someone else.

And if I get you again, then fuck it, right?

And we will be blocking your number.

Okay, yeah.

Good luck with that.

Bye.

Loser.

She sounds like a white neon.

Hi, thanks for calling to order the Nutribullet RX.

This is Richard.

May I please get your first name?

Yeah, my name is...

What?

What did you say?

What did I call for?

Thank you for calling to order.

Order?

You're calling to order Nutribullet RX?

No, I don't need that.

I want to buy it.

That's exactly what you called for, right?

To order it.

Yeah, no, no order.

No.

Okay, I need some information regarding it before I get it.

Now, this is a Nutribullet XL, right?

No, the RX.

RX.

Oh, it's a Robert X.

Okay, all right.

So listen, when he says, look.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Look, this blender is just mixing stuff around.

It's not breaking anything down.

Now, what does he mean by that?

How does it break it down different in a Nutribullet machine?

Okay.

Well, actually, what's going to happen is you're emulsifying everything that you put in it.

It's emulsifying everything?

Yes.

Okay.

Put it right down to the seed.

Emulsifying.

But what exactly is emulsifying?

What's the difference between just mixing it?

I don't understand.

Because you're breaking it, right?

And mixing it.

What's the difference then?

Well, this is not a simple blender.

Yeah, it's a Nutribullet, right?

I know that, but it's like Sony Walkman, you know?

What's the difference between the cost brand that they sell at Target also?

You can also make soup with it.

Okay.

All right, listen.

Listen to this.

You can make mayonnaise with it too.

Listen.

The Nutribullet with its 600 watts of compact power

and bullet-exclusive cyclonic action

combined with the specially designed extractor blades

turning at an amazing 10,000 RPMs, pulverizing the cell walls, unlocking...

Now, what's that mean by the cell walls?

What does he talk about the cell walls?

This is working on a cellular level?

Well, yes, actually, they're just breaking the whole food down.

Uh-huh, all right.

To unlock the hidden nutrients inside of it.

It's operating with a cellular spectrometer in order to be able to analyze its targets with its chops that it does.

I'm sure it's analyzing and picking a target package and running its planned type of attack against the cells.

Actually, I understand you are looking for specific information about this product.

Well, yeah, because this is how you buy it.

Are you looking to buy it?

This is how you buy the thing.

And it's set to call with questions now.

I understand you have a little bit of an accent.

Maybe you have, like, a North American person, you know, who English is their first language.

Maybe they can explain better, maybe, you think?

Like, you've done a really good job, despite your, you know, your disability of being bilingual.

bilingual um but i you know do you is there maybe another person who doesn't have that problem you

might want to try to call back and get another agent okay yeah maybe yeah is you okay all right

are you like in southern california is that why i'm getting a lot of you people i'm in new jersey

oh new jersey okay that makes sense okay all right are you puerto rican yes you can say that

oh yeah yeah but you're not from puerto rico you're from new jersey though right yes sir uh

Do you have family in Puerto Rico?

Yes, sir.

Are they PNP or are they Populares?

I can't get into those.

Oh, come on.

Now, tell me.

Are they?

No.

Are they Paba or Palma?

Just tell me.

I want to know.

I'm not allowed to.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

See, that's what a fucking PNP would say right there.

Right?

That's what it is.

I don't want to say.

Yeah.

Why don't you go back to Puerto Rico and solve your problem?

Okay.

I just made some very sarcastic remarks about the separate political parties in Puerto Rico.

That's so funny.

That's what that was? Political parties? Oh, okay. All right.

Okay, so these are the guys, the separatists versus the regionalists, huh?

Yeah, the PNP is the New Progressive Party, and they are the Republican Party's branch in Puerto Rico.

and there are four statehood there are four creation of for puerto rico to become a state

and the other one is the popular democratic party their color is red but they align they're the

democratic party in the united states liberal side extension in puerto rico and therefore keeping

the status quo they're like fuck it we got the best deal because we got our own olympic teams

and we're our own shit our own language but we get the best of the fact that we're american and

no one's gonna fuck with us or try to invade us or anything like that because we're usa um yeah so

uh that's what i brought up what do what now milkman hello milkman are you saying something

yeah more nurture bullet all that hello

Can I get your name, please?

Milkman, stop making noise, please.

Can I get your name, please?

My name is Maria.

Maria.

Oh, hey, Maria.

Hi.

Yeah, I had a question about the NutriBullet, please.

If you could explain the, like, there's certain claims that I'm confused about.

Food Nutrition Extractor.

Greetings, everybody.

I'm David Wolf.

Welcome to my workshop.

Today, we're going to talk about nutrition.

Just hang it up, man.

Look, man, you can't be crunching papers and stuff in the middle of a call.

I have to put you on hold because it really is a call.

Sorry, dude.

It was ice, man.

I know, but I can't.

I can't.

I have to.

You forced my hand.

You can do that, but you forced my hand, man.

Well, I'm sorry, dude.

It wasn't intentional.

Just for like 10 seconds.

It's over with.

You forced my hand, and I smacked you.

Sorry, man.

I didn't mean to do it on purpose.

It's okay.

It's okay, honey.

I'm calling now for the neutral bullet.

David Wolf.

I got ice in my bong, dude.

Thank you for calling the Nutribullet Rx. My name is Chris. For quality control, the call will be recorded. May I have your name?

Hey, pa' arriba la palma. My name is David Wolf, with an E at the end.

Okay, Mr. Wolf, how are you doing today?

Good. Can you explain this for me, please?

Why? I'll tell you why. Because over the last 30 years, we've become the most overfed yet undernourished nation in the entire world.

old so the neutral is gonna let me not be overfed and undernourished hello chris chris please come on

no temes habla conmigo por favor sir i do not have time for prank callers can you please stop

calling or i will have to report this number to the police yeah but when they hear your accent

they're gonna be like oh 9-1-1 is a joke and they're gonna not they're they're gonna be late

or not come at all you know okay well thank you because you're in a bad you're from a bad

neighborhood and they don't come out really take that serious when you call from thank you i can

tell because you you live where do you live like in spanish harlem or something do you live near

coco you know coco you know my girl coco okay

i'm gonna hang up bye sir i'm having way too much fun on a personal

level with the show the fact that i'm laughing so much in the calls i don't know what's up with

that i'm usually very very professional i can't believe you got a like a goldmine of bariqua

tonight man this is some fucking shit man where'd you get these stuff i like i like the uh spin of

playing the infomercials back for these places calling them out that's a great concept man yeah

i love it it's working too one guy actually went along with it yeah dude the girl's name is tequila

I'm trying to get Tequila back, because I love her name.

Well, no part of none of that shit.

She was pissed.

She got mad.

I said it sounds like a stripper name, but I laughed under my breath.

She kind of chuckled, too.

Hello?

Hi, thank you for calling Nutribullet Rx.

My name is Sharika.

This call will be recorded for quality purposes.

May I continue?

Yes, hi.

Yes, I would like you to, first of all, please not apply any more cocoa butter during the call.

This is for Nutribullet Rx.

Yes, that's what I'm calling for, the NutriBullet RX juice extraction system.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what's your zip code?

Can I give you my city and state, or maybe the chat room can give me the zip code?

It's Roy, New Mexico.

Yeah, I need the zip code.

Is that really?

Like, you need the zip code.

You can't just look it up by city and state.

No, I need the zip code.

Do you have a piece of mail laying around?

Yeah, can I look?

Yeah, sure.

Because I called earlier, and the lady's like, no, I got to go.

No, she wouldn't click like that.

87743.

Stupid.

That's Roy, New Mexico?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, today, are you calling for the special offer with free shipping, free recipe book, and a soup-making attachment?

So, how does a soup-making attachment make it different?

Well, on the original one, you can't make anything hot.

See what happened with the Nutribullet.

I take off the extractor blades.

Yeah.

Looks like we've got quite a beverage in here.

So you take out the extractor blades and then you pour out the drink?

Yeah, I don't understand.

Because he's saying here to take out the extractor blades.

And then you have a beverage, but he doesn't say the soup.

Yeah, because the extractor blade is for when you're making your Nutri-Blast.

Bring it out and pour it through the strainer.

Completely liquefied.

Does it come with the strainer?

It doesn't say that here.

So I need the strainer, because look, this is bullshit, because he says you need a fucking strainer.

Watch your language, please.

I'm sorry.

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

Am I good?

I'm sorry, Lord.

I'm sorry.

Lord Jesus.

Oh my God, and this Sunday.

God damn it, I'm sorry.

All that nutrition has been turned inside out.

Everything's been completely broken down.

What does it mean by broken down?

So when it's completely broken down, that means that all the nutrients have been extracted and you can't, now you can't extract it.

It's feces now, right?

Okay, I'm going to tell you what's included in it.

You get the base, the extractor blade, the short cut cup, the lip ring, the stay fresh

refillable lids, the blade remover, cleaning brush, and the user manual.

You also get the litter soup pitcher and two-piece soup lid, and you get the book, the hardcover

book.

Two-piece soup lids, so you can make the pea soup.

Two soup lids for pea soup.

It's a two-piece soup lid.

Two peas?

Yeah, it's two pieces.

Two pieces?

Two pieces of what?

Two pieces of pea soup?

Of the lid, the soup lid.

It comes in two pieces?

Yes.

So you put them together when you're going to use it?

You just, they click together?

Yeah, it comes with the instructions.

It's very easy to do.

You click together the two pieces and it makes one lid?

Hello?

Say that again?

You click the two pieces together and it makes the one lid?

It just says one two-piece soup lid.

One two-piece soup lid.

Right.

Did you want to order it today?

Can you make pea soup with it?

That's up to you.

I'm not sure if that's in the recipe book.

Well, it's a soup machine.

But if you know how to make it on your own, you can make any type of soup you want.

Yeah, because normally what I do is I take out my penis and I pee into the pot.

And I boil it like a whole chicken.

Hey, boy.

Okay, I'm on mute, man.

All right, mute me.

Having fun with infomercials tonight, huh?

Milkman, can you hear me?

Can you say something real quick, please?

Milkman?

Yes, I can.

I hear you clearly.

You sound very good.

Can I bring the guests on now?

It's been three and a half hours now.

I don't...

That's Pope, man.

Say hi to my bro.

Hey.

Hey, honey.

How are you?

He's everywhere, man.

He don't know what to think, man.

He's looking at me like he's...

That's not a gator.

It's just some crazy guy.

hey i'm his gay lover i'm kidding no i'm not i'm sorry stop it i'm not i'm not tripping i believe

you i had i had my doubts okay no problem we're gonna play the commercial for the face fx special

tv offer motherfuckers yeah concerned about how your skin looks as you age don't waste thousands

of dollars on expensive creams painful injections or risky surgeries now

there's a better way introducing face effects advanced anti-aging for your

skin in clinical testing 100% of face effects study participants reported an

improvement in fine lines and wrinkles there was like an immediate visible

reduction of those lines that I could visibly see before I started using face

I had a deep line around my mouth on both sides, and the lines around my eyes were deep.

And since I've been using FaceFX, they're almost gone.

The secret is FaceFX Dual Energy.

Only FaceFX uses both fractional red light and infrared heat.

...to order the FaceFX today.

My name is Leslie.

May I have your name, please?

Hi, Leslie.

My name is Cross.

All right, and how are you doing tonight?

Not good.

Not good at all.

All right, what's the matter?

I'm having a problem with my pubic hair.

Okay.

And what can I do to help you with that?

Are you calling about the face effects?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

And let me see something here.

So I've got your number as 546, the number that you're calling from?

Yes.

Okay.

And did you see the show on face effects?

Yeah, I saw it on face effects, and the guy was saying that he put it in his pubic hairs.

Please note that you are being processed as a repeat harassing caller.

You should be aware that interstate telephone harassment is a federal crime punishable by both fines and imprisonment.

We will seek all legal means available to us in prosecuting you to the fullest extent of the law.

I haven't heard that since the Steam Shark shit.

I wonder if it's the same company.

Steam Shark, man, that was the shit back in the day.

Oh, my God.

Legend had someone really good call us a Steam Shark.

They knew instantly when you used to get days to say,

Rory New Mexico? They'd always say that.

I think they just collectively

all said like, yeah, there was a group of people

from Rory New Mexico who always called.

Just started shit.

Yeah, man. Let me see

who wants to be on the show machine. I don't know

who's out there. Let me look at my contact

machines. Let's see what Evil Artie

Evil Artie's saying. He's down

70 pounds. Losing weight.

Good for him, man. Good for Evil Artie,

huh? Yeah, let's call Evil Artie first.

Skinny Evil Artie.

He's the kind of guy that balloons up and down.

No offense, evil warrior.

I don't mean to call you out, man.

You got to keep trying to keep it off, man.

Don't be doing that stuff with getting all the food and all that shit like Milkman does.

Getting all that nasty food like he's doing.

Don't do that.

It's not good.

I don't know what this is.

I'm trying to connect Morgan and Dwight as well.

Artie, are you here?

No, they're still connecting.

Never mind.

Well, I can get to the next number.

We got the Arthros.

Hang on.

Let's call FaceFX back, though.

Let's call your father.

Hey, man, what's up with Face Effect?

Yo, yo, yo.

Just playing some GTA V and shit.

Yeah, Morgan, you should call for Face Effects.

I should what?

Face Effects is that female skin repair device.

I think when they hear a man at first, they're like, oh, fuck it.

It's so weird.

What does it do again?

It's like a laser for your face, I guess.

Okay.

I'll play some more of the commercial because I had to cut it off halfway.

While we connect it again, I'll play some more.

Oh, you're calling Hooker Face?

Hooker Face.

It's like a little mini spa treatment, but at my convenience.

Oh, I have an idea.

Red light therapy has been safely used by both dermatologists and estheticians for years

as a leading-edge anti-aging treatment for reducing wrinkles.

But a series of these commercial...

Hello, thank you for calling Order Face FX.

My name is Trina. I'll be assisting you here this evening.

Can I get your first and last name, please?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's Kendra.

You say Kendra?

Yeah, that's correct.

K-E-N-D-R-A?

D-R-A-A.

It's double A?

K-E-N-D-R-A-A?

Yeah.

I just had a few pre-sale questions.

This is the face effects, right?

Right.

Okay.

See, we'll have to sort of fill in, like, blemishes and deep sort of, like, craters

and, like, you know, I have scars scarring on my face.

I, like, I tend to pick at it.

Will it help with that kind of thing?

Well, let me ask you this first.

I want the scars to go away.

Well, since we have different right now screens here for the market,

can you please tell me if you're calling from the U.S. or Canada?

I'm calling from the United States.

Okay.

Does that matter?

Sure.

You said there's different machines?

No, just have to make sure, because if not, I'm in the U.S.,

so if it's Canada, I'd have to give you a Canada number, so that's why.

I just need you to answer the question, really.

Is it going to help fill in those?

I don't know for sure.

You don't sound very confident.

I really don't know.

Let me see if I can...

Huh?

You don't sound very confident.

Like, the infomercial that I saw, it seemed like it was pretty, like, it would solve a

lot of different issues with the face.

I mean, I don't know.

And I just recently quit doing, like, methamphetamines.

I'm not sure if you know, but when you do methamphetamines a lot, like, my sketch kind

of was just picking at my face, and it got really obsessive, and now that I've quit doing

the meth and I'm hoping to like, you know, clear up my face a little bit. And my dermatologist

told me that the face effects was essentially my like only really option aside from full

on cosmetic surgery. This is kind of like my only hope, you know, I can't afford surgery.

So he's never achieved this. Well, it was a, he's like, he's not saying that it's going

to help. So are you not saying it's going to help? I'm like, you don't seem very confident.

I can't tell you because I don't know.

Like I said, I couldn't tell you.

Have you been trained at your job?

What do you know?

All we do is take the

job.

Just like a monkey. A monkey could do the job then.

You don't know anything about the actual product then?

Honey, Dwight, honey, this guy.

I don't know. Do you want to talk to him?

He doesn't seem to know

a heck of a lot about this.

Let me get a phone. Hello?

Here, take it. I don't know.

Hello? Yeah, hello.

Hello.

I know I was talking to Kendra.

Who is this?

Yeah, this is Dwight.

I'm her husband.

How you doing, Dwight?

Not too bad.

So listen, you're trying to sell my wife a product you say is not going to work?

I can tell you that's why I told her we have a 60-day money-back guarantee on it.

Okay, so...

So if she's not seeing enough results...

So what are you trying to say?

Are you trying to say that she's too ugly, that it's not going to work for her face, or what?

What's the deal?

I've never said that.

That's not me.

Well, no, she said that you were hitting on her, too.

I want to know what the deal is with that.

No, just so you know, all our calls are recorded.

Well, that's fine and dandy, but we got an issue on our hands right here, don't we?

No, we don't.

I believe we do.

So, listen, how much is this thing?

All our calls do get recorded, Dwight.

How much is this thing?

Well, I got to put your address in here, Dwight, so we can pull up and give you the exact number.

No, no, no, I'm Dwight.

My name's Dwight, not Dwight.

What, you said, what is it?

My name's Dwight, not Dwight.

white yeah i'm not ethnic i didn't say a word did i i'm i'm white protestant and i don't have to

stand for this to reach the customer service department for face effects please take this

number down 877-367-4556 again to reach the face effects customer service department please hang

up and dial that's his way of like getting rid of 367-4556 or they also have the you're

You're being tracked.

To reach the customer service department for FaceFX, please take this.

They're useless.

Yeah, pretty much.

That's the FaceFX machine.

We've got the Arthro7 Arthritis Care System.

All right.

Copy and paste that so you guys can see it.

I haven't even gotten to Dwight's numbers yet.

We've got a whole bunch of stuff we can do.

Let's see if there's something we can play here.

Yes, there is.

Hello.

I'm your host, Dr. Lisa Pavone, and welcome viewers across the country to U.S. Doctors TV,

Bringing top medical experts directly to you to discuss the latest products, information, and health tips critical to your health and wellness.

Today, we're talking about joint health.

Patients have come to me for years asking about the latest miracle pill, juice, or cream promising to repair their unhealthy joints and allow them to live pain-free and mobile again.

As a doctor, I need to be able to discuss the pros and cons of drugs or supplement options,

not only for patient safety reasons, but also to keep my patients from wasting their time and money

on things that are unlikely to provide the intended effect.

Today, we're going to do just that with the help of one of the top medical experts in joint health,

a doctor with over 40 years in virtually every aspect of joint pain and health research and treatment,

earning him the nickname America's Joint Doctor.

He'll explain why the popular joint health products of today

simply cannot provide the long-term solution you're looking for.

And in fact...

Thank you for calling Arthur 7.

Jeff, what's up today?

Hey, boy, my name's Cross.

Hey, how you doing today?

Oh, not good.

I'm having a problem with the joints.

You're having a problem with the joints?

And you saw the entire Arthur 7 television tonight, right?

Well, this part right here specifically.

Many actually may be making your joint and overall health worse.

and you're also going to learn about a product that has kept joint sufferers mobile and active

with is that the one that the one absolutely now we're just 10 15 years or more a real long-term

solution to joint health and wellness it's a long-term health so i i should keep taking it

or will i be able to get off of it at some point well with it like with any natural supplement like

you know even if it was vitamin c vitamin d or anything like that you take it first as long as

You want the benefit

Alright, so I'd have to keep taking it

It doesn't cure my joint problem

Okay, alright

So this will let me roll better joints

Because I keep getting the stuff all over

Especially the shake

It gets all over the place

I have a really hard time rolling the joint

Alright, it was good talking to you

Have a good night

I'm sure you know

You sound ethnic

Urban

You probably know the best way to roll a joint, right?

Or do you just roll blunts, I think

Is that how you people do it?

Okay

Did I tell you leave Flavor Flavor alone?

Fuck yeah.

Anyone want to talk to the joint people?

I'll speak to them.

Thank you for calling R37.

Call may be recorded or monitored for quality control purposes.

R37's joint nourishing formula has provided real relief for hundreds of thousands of people.

Don't forget to ask about the doctor's special.

An R37 customer care specialist will be with you shortly.

We got a number for the Old Spice customer service line.

I don't think they're open.

They can't be over 24 hours.

I feel sexually harassed by their commercials.

To serve you, we record and monitor our calls.

Details of your experience with Gamble

regarding the original purpose of your call.

Product safety information, how can I help you?

Hi, this is the Old Spice.

Yes, that's one of the products for Procter & Gamble.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I have a complaint.

Okay, so it's not a medical emergency or a medical issue?

No, no, it's not an emergency, no.

No.

Okay, what I can do, and we're here for medical emergencies,

such as if you get the product in your eye or have an infection.

Well, I mean, I didn't get it in my eye, per se.

I mean, I was splashing some on my chest,

and it accidentally dripped into the tip of my male member,

and it's creating a stinging sensation.

Okay.

Were you able to flush the area?

you uh well yeah i put some um some water on it and i tried to flush it um but it doesn't seem to

be going away okay how long did you flush it for uh 20 minutes i got in the shower i left the water

running okay and is it just like an an irritated feeling is there any kind of like swelling redness

anything along those lines it is swollen yes so you know typically this stuff you know it's something

the old spice this is a spray correct uh yeah yeah okay you know it is something that we do

um put in contact with our skin so i would not expect that bad of a reaction from it

yeah well what has happened i think it got inside the the the whole the mimi hole okay and um i

because i i actually took the spray part off and i just i i basically poured it on my my member

because i was masturbating with it okay well i mean okay because i ran i i mean i don't mean

need to be rude but i ran out of out of aloe vera lotion and that was the next best thing it was

right next to my bed give me just a moment i want to see if skin irritation is common with this so

give me just a moment put you on hold yeah well it says on it should not be uh ingested internally

and i think it went inside of the of the the mimi hole and it's inside honestly if you've tried

flushing the air and there's nothing that you can and it's not helping any there's really nothing

further you're gonna be able to do except go into the emergency room um you know any kind of

of swelling, redness, things along those lines,

I would have expected to clear up.

So if you're still having symptoms, I would definitely recommend...

It's red because I slammed it in my bedroom door.

Okay.

So if you just have a complaint about the product,

then you're going to need to call back and talk to customer service,

but my recommendation is...

Oh, it should be more customer-friendly and not, you know,

it should state right on the bottle,

not to masturbate with this product, is my feeling.

Sir, I'm not going to have this conversation with you.

Why not? Don't be a bitch.

I'm disconnecting the line now. Bye-bye.

Why? Why?

She's gone.

Here's Bloomingdale's.

We're calling Bloomingdale's.

Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

If you'd like to check the status of your...

If you have your order number, please enter your order number.

This is press three at all prompts.

I'm doing that.

I didn't get that.

Try one more time.

Please enter your...

I still had trouble with that.

I was trying to look this information up for you.

Since we're closed, I can't get you someone to help.

So please call...

I'm supposed to be able to get to someone just about mattresses that they'll answer.

I don't think so.

Kronos timekeeping software, 24-hour customer service.

I found a place that does home saunas.

Home saunas, wow.

So they put in some cedar walls and stuff.

Are you supposed to pour water in those things?

Because I do.

The port is closed.

Operational hours are Monday through Friday.

I think it depends if it's infrared or if it's the hot rocks.

Press 1 if you have a contract with 24x7 coverage.

Otherwise, please remain on the line for information.

I was just pouring my bottle water on it.

It was making a little trickle down because I got scared and I left.

The Chronos answering service to have the on-call engineer contacted.

I'm sure why I left.

Thank you.

Managers need the real-time visibility.

I did it and it went zzzz.

I'm like, oh, shit.

I ran.

I got my stuff on the floor.

Thank you for calling Chronos answering service.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

The machine doesn't go?

The time machine?

The what doesn't go?

The time machine isn't going.

Are you calling with a company?

Yeah.

What company?

Dr. Emmett Brown Enterprises.

What company is it?

It's called the Future Institute of Technology.

The Future Institute of Technology?

Yes.

Do you have a solution ID number?

I do not.

No, I mean, no.

And what product are you calling about today?

I'm calling about the flux capacitor.

It's not currently, chronologically, it's not currently calibrated correctly.

With the C.

So it's prank call?

No, no, please, come on.

I'm a space traveler, and I need to fix it, please.

I'm supposed to call this number, and you have to help me.

Please?

All right.

Come on.

Come on, man.

I need, can you apply software?

Oh, software patch.

Just wanted a software patch.

Yay, wasn't that funny?

Yay.

Thank you for calling Sears Home Services.

Your call may be recorded.

I'm a new automated system that can understand complete...

Representative.

Tell me in detail, how can I help you?

Representative.

Parkman says we should call the show.

Thank you for calling.

This is Sasha speaking.

How can I help you?

Hi, yes.

I got mad and I took the dryer and I pushed it down the stairs.

So you people need to come and fix it right now.

Yes, are you trying to set up an appointment for your dryer?

I pushed it down the stairs and broke it.

And you people need to fix it for free because I got it last week and broke.

It's not supposed to break.

Oh, that's a brand new dryer.

It's not supposed to break.

I just pushed it down the stairs and it wasn't supposed to break.

It's brand new.

How does it break and it's brand new?

All right.

So for that one, it will be our technical specialist who can help you scheduling the appointment, okay?

Since it's still covered with a warranty.

However, at this time, our technical specialist department is already closed now.

Well, fuck you then.

Fuck it.

I'm done.

I don't want to fucking talk to you then.

All right, bye.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to fucking talk to you.

See?

Good.

I was going to tell you, Carlito,

we talked to a lady last night,

Macron and I,

trying to fuck with her from Comcast,

and we pissed her off enough

that she actually took all her equipment

into one of their locations today

and fucking turned it in.

Oh, did she?

Oh, yeah.

That lady,

we were telling her

like she was going to be like a fucking month out before the people came to fix her stuff

and uh you know of course macron's putting the fucking whiny bitch feed stuff on and

she's like no just get all my stuff i'm done hey how about we do some we got some twitter

complainers right you sent some in oh yeah yeah all right what's the first one on this list

time warner cable i see here looks like no united here we go uh these are from yesterday but they

They have not been called.

Okay.

So this person here says, what now?

All the airlines do it.

It's a scheduling thing, and one late flight screws everything up.

Or is this complaining about missing a flight?

She, I'm sorry, she's complaining.

We're coming up next to someone who's complaining that United lost their luggage.

Man, you know what?

I'm in the mood here now just thinking about this.

This one time we had the guy who was, I guess, really rude delivering the...

Oh, yeah, I got it.

The Christian daughter, right?

Yeah, we were accusing him of saying the daughter was having sex.

Fucking the pastor.

Yeah, she was partying her ass off.

Yeah, well, that's right.

He said that they were, like, drunk and partying and shit.

Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, the fucking baggage delivery guy was talking about his dog.

My dog didn't do nothing.

And didn't the guy, the pastor, threaten to shoot him or something?

Or he said he almost brought a shotgun outside or something?

Yeah, he said because I guess he came to the door.

He was banging on the door, yeah.

He called the cops on him and all that shit.

I think we took his side, I think.

Yeah, we totally did.

Yeah.

And the lady was like, or whoever it was,

I remember with him kind of getting mad that we were taking sides.

Yeah, it was that woman.

Yeah, it was the mom of the girl.

Yeah, they swore up and down.

No way she was partying.

oh yeah yeah yeah because we found them on facebook i remember that

oh he has a little dog it wasn't a little dog a little little chihuahua or something like that

like why would you be scared of that song hi you've reached carry oh i'm unavailable to take

your call right now but please leave your call i'm trying again carry oh it's oh you

i can't shouldn't say that but it's funny oh just say that

oh she heard me she heard me well i ruined that sorry guys um i'm just scanning for twitter

complainers i'm no starbucks junkie but mobile ordering could turn me into one why does anyone

stand in line anymore uh yeah i was just talking about that for mcdonald's do they have like mobile

ordering at mcdonald's they're talking about implementing that they're doing the touchscreen

screen stuff first yeah you know what pissed me off carlito is that like one of the first days

they had the uh breakfast all day yeah i went to a location i'm like all right yeah i want this

this day i was like let me get some hash browns we don't do hash browns all day uh due to fryer

availability i'm like what the yeah because they're pumping out fries all day yeah yeah but

i'm like what the what the fuck man you could still yeah well you can still get hotcakes because

Because they just microwave those.

They're just putting them in the microwave and warming them up.

They can definitely, any of them can do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear you, man.

All right, so does someone want to call and say this is a good suggestion?

I don't know.

I mean, that's the only thing.

Dwight, you should go with that, right?

Yeah.

This guy's suggestion for a mobile app ordering for Starbucks.

Sure.

Yeah, I mean, that's the only angle I can think to take this.

You can transfer to me because I got an idea for that.

Oh, is that one?

Oh.

Never mind.

We'll try again, but that's going to go straight to voicemail again.

I'm busy, actually.

I get it.

All right, here's a Time Warner one, then.

And I think I'm almost done.

It's four hours.

I have an outage.

Time Warner outage.

Here it goes.

And I'll try one last time.

Speaking of Sears, I've got a Sears repairman coming here tomorrow,

so I've got to get to bed.

Busy day tomorrow.

Lots of appointments.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is that Andy?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Here's Dwight.

He's going to introduce the call.

Thank you.

Hi, how you doing, Andy?

This is Dwight from Time Warner Cable.

I understand you had an outage yesterday.

Has that been taken care of for you?

Yeah, it was not.

It was a billing issue.

Oh, it was a billing issue.

It says here the tweet you sent us in the social media department.

It was regarding an outage.

Right.

I thought it was a billing issue.

It's like playing lying here.

You didn't pay the bill? Is that what the billing issue was?

Yeah, I, um, yes.

Okay, now is that a, uh, is that something that happens quite often?

No, it's not. It's like 3 in the morning here. I'm trying to sleep. I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Well, I'm trying to do my fucking job here, and I need some answers.

Hello?

Yeah, I don't know why I tried to ruin that. What an asshole I am.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, what an asshole I am. Let me try her again. Maybe she'll pick up a second time.

It's like 3 in the morning

It's not 3 in the morning, bitch

There's only like 2 here

Question

Are you the one that's behind the weird messages

I've been getting on Skype today

About me having panic attacks and shit

You have panic attacks

I don't know, I got a weird message

From Dark Stranger

Um

Sorry about your health, bro

Fucking panic attacks are the worst

Feels like death

Yeah, I heard a couple times

And I was like, oh, Carlito's spreading fucking health rumors again.

I forget what I said.

What was it the fuck I said at the beginning of the show about your panic attacks and your hospital stay and you were doing better?

Your diabetes type 2.

I messaged her.

I said, what are you talking about?

You were diagnosed with diabetes type 2, I think.

And then I said you had a panic attack and freaked out about it.

Again, Dwight does not have diabetes.

diabetes. And then I also said that

you were doing better, losing weight, and you

stopped eating so many bologna sandwiches.

You don't have diabetes?

No, I don't have diabetes.

Oh, I totally thought you did.

Everyone keeps saying he does. Llama started that

stupid rumor. Llama, yeah, Llama was the one

that fucking started all that shit.

Oh, shit.

Well, he got the diabetes, and I'm like, Llama, I'm gonna start

the fucking rumor that you got ED if you don't cut

that out. You have that

erectile dysfunction and shit.

It's pretty sterile.

He's like, I'll stop, I'll stop.

Alright, here's someone looking for an experienced pizza maker.

Fuck it, I'll keep doing goals.

An experienced what?

Pizza maker.

Maker of pizzas.

Yeah.

Yeah, let me change that ID just in case.

I couldn't believe that guy yesterday when his cow, his kid's pet, the cow was on the loose.

I said he did a header into the fucking hole.

Yeah, that was really funny, by the way.

I played that during the break.

I don't know if you knew that.

Yeah, I heard it.

Like I said, it reminded me of a people's court case where these people were aborting another person's horse and another one had died.

So they were digging this hole to bury the horse and this other horse fucking ran into the hole head first and broke its own neck.

Stupid horse.

And the people were like, it committed suicide. It ran full speed into the hole.

Stupid horse. Horses are pretty stupid.

And the cowmaster told him to feed the fucking pet to his kids.

Hello, James?

Hi, you've reached James Pelosi, Big Island Modular, and Underground Pizza.

Please leave a message.

Tough guy James over here.

Don't do it with Cleverhand.

That's you, Dwayne.

That reminds me of that voice I should have called Gary tonight on Ustream.

He was on Ustream.

Crazy Gary.

That's where he moved to, and we just call his house phone.

He's like, hey.

Like a beta bitch.

Is he done?

He's off air by now, right?

Oh, yeah, he's off air.

He went on, like, 11 our time.

Hi, you've reached James Pelosi, Big Island.

The cool thing about that is he can keep going as long as he wants now.

The stupid thing about Block Talk is it's got these scheduled times you've got to stick to and shit.

Instead of just letting you go on and on.

Dude, Block Talk's pretty much fucking dead now.

They've really cleaned it up, and half the people that have scheduled shows don't show.

Oh, wow.

That's crazy.

That's bad.

Well, they changed their pricing.

So there's got to be something else out or coming out at some point soon that will replace that void.

There's always something that comes in to swoop in and takes care of a void.

It's like I'm looking right now for live shows.

The next live show doesn't come on for three hours.

Oh, no, that's a system maintenance.

Tommy saw it in my ears.

Oh, really?

Hi, Kay.

You're looking for a breakfast and dinner cook?

Yeah, I'm taking applications.

Oh, my name is Charlie Sai.

Yeah, I like to cook.

I like to cook.

I make the food go.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I go down there.

Should I bring my tools?

I have my own knives.

No, I'm not working now.

I was drinking on the job, and I was masturbating on the kitchen line, and I got fired from Denny's.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I have a problem where I have to masturbate a lot because I'm a sexual pervert.

But I do it privately in the corner.

What?

You can go and take an application.

Yeah.

I'm being available.

Can I touch myself while I fill out the application?

Great.

Seriously, I am not.

Seriously, I am not serious at all tonight.

That's not a bad thing.

It's fun.

I had a lot of fun with those

telemarketing calls

that was fun stuff

a free coconut tree

Morgan can I get you to do a call

because I feel like shit

with anyone

go for it

I have no idea

I don't know what to say about coconut tree

I think I said the same thing when Dwight asked me

so I'm getting sloppy seconds

thanks a lot

these numbers have been around

no they were never used

That's like a hooker face statement.

Then we're never used.

Yeah, we sold it.

Hey, hey, Kanaka.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, Kanaka, you have a coconut tree?

Yes.

Yeah, are you a Kanaka?

I'm a what?

Are you Kanaka?

Kanakamole?

Yeah, are you?

No, I'm a born and raised, fourth generation Chinese.

Oh, that's disgusting.

All right, yeah, so the coconut tree is free.

Is it planted or it's not a plant?

Is it in a planter right now?

No, no.

No. Actually, it's in the ground, and it's very difficult to dig it up.

Oh, but I have experience. I know how. I transport trees all the time.

Oh, well, in that case, yeah, you're welcome to have it.

Yeah, I'm going to tie a woman up in the tree and take pictures of her.

Oh.

Yeah, I have her on the phone right now. Hey, woman.

What?

You see, I'm going to tie her up like Jesus on the coconut tree,

and I'll light the tree on fire from the bottom up, and we'll take pictures of it.

Oh, you mean like doing a fire?

Yeah, and then I'll jerk off watching the fire consume me.

Can you ask him how high the tree is?

Yeah, how high is the tree?

About 30, 35 feet.

Holy shit.

Fuck yeah, we'll get it really high up there.

Yeah.

Yeah, so how do I transplant the tree?

Do I chop it down with an axe and it'll grow roots again if I put it in the sand?

No, no, it doesn't.

Once you chop it down, it's dead.

You have to dig it up.

No, but you can...

It's very difficult.

If you put the end in the soil, it'll grow.

It's called transplanting, stupid.

Yeah, it'll grow.

It's like a hydra.

I'll call you when I do.

If you cut off one head, two more appear.

I wish.

No, that's not working.

No, it doesn't work that way.

Yeah, they are.

That's how it works.

You don't know how it works.

I don't know.

Where'd you cut it?

It's gone.

Well, all right, we'll see.

I'll show you.

I'll cut it down.

Okay.

I'll call you later.

All right, I'm going to cut it down for free, okay?

okay i'll get out of here just want the wood i should offer to burn the motherfucker down

bring a few tires oh yeah we could have just brought over some gasoline yeah okay done the

photo shoot there i remember my grandma puerto rico there was a tree that she wanted to get

rid of one summer she's like i'm gonna get a tire i need to get a tire like for what

old puerto rico lady like i gotta burn that tree back there that's a big tree you can't just put

cut it down. You've got to burn it down. I'm like, damn, what?

Yeah, she acquired

a big used tire, and

my uncle cut, like,

a piece of it so he could wrap it around the

tree, and they put it in for the gas

and lit it on fire. That's like

a prank call I did. This woman was

selling a grinder, and I guess

she had already gotten rid of it, and I told her

there was a bunch of mongoloid German shepherd

puppies that were in my freezer,

because they were inbred, and I needed a way to

dispose of them, and yeah, she suggested

burning them with tires and gasoline.

Wow, that's macabre.

Oh, a little known fact.

They actually used tires filled with gasoline in Africa.

They put it around people's necks who have stolen from the village,

and they light it on fire.

And that's a very popular way of killing people.

Yes, it was a popular way.

It was a revenge thing in South Africa.

They should have drilled some holes in that tree and filled it with gasoline.

The black South Africans who are in apartheid would form gangs,

and they would do that to the white people.

Yeah, and this show that I really like called The Americans,

there was an episode where there was a South African guy

doing some undercover shit in the States

along with these two Soviet spies that are a married couple.

And yeah, the South African did that to some guy

that they were chasing or whatever,

and they got real mad.

Like, so we don't do that.

The Soviet Union doesn't do that.

He's like, well, you're not going through apartheid.

It's set in the 80s.

He's like, you're not going through apartheid.

This is what we do.

motherfucker

yeah that's gotta be

a fucking horrible

way to go

yeah and then

he was like

yeah you got

he stole the tires

from their car

no

it didn't go that far

but that's a great show

The Americans

I'm sure I've talked

about it before

I highly recommend it

watch them

The Americans

I think they're on

season 4

coming up next year

on FX

yes FX

yeah

a lot of nice

cable TV sex

not HBO level

but you know

so do they show tits or no i think there's is there tits or like side tits under boob

there's side tits under boob for sure and there's some ass you see some ass yeah i don't think they

show titty on fx they curse and stuff and they do some very suggestive stuff please try your

call again later if i don't know the word free cactus anyone free cactus the voicemail box of

Try again.

Excuse me.

They watch Channel Z.

You know, I specifically said that that was all a joke when I said that stuff about do I have panic attacks and not even bologna sandwiches.

Oh, yeah, Dark Stranger took it to heart.

Man, I know how that shit is.

Peace be with you.

Preach the voicemail.

Panic attacks over diabetes.

I'm starting to get so busy now.

Oh, stop teasing the one.

Mike is looking for a line cook.

Yeah, hey, Big Mike, I see you're looking for a line cook.

Yeah, well, I'm an experienced line cook, and I want to do that shit.

This isn't a Kanaka place, is it?

Is this a Kanaka place?

Yeah.

Okay, good, good.

Oh, yeah, so you've got to be on a list to get in, right?

No.

Yeah, but you have to be a member, right?

No.

Oh, so you get disgusting people.

I'm sorry.

Do you get a lot of Asian people?

Kind of not the best way of referring to people like that.

Do you get a lot of Asian people there?

Because I can't stand them.

They scare me, the way they look.

I know you're not Asian.

June, your name is Mike.

That's not an Asian name.

So, I know.

We're cool.

You know what I mean.

You know how they have that smell?

They all have that smell, you know?

No, but you know what I'm talking about, right?

That Asian person's smell.

All right, so what can I tell you about my experience?

How would you like to know?

Well, I'm a line cook.

I don't like kanakas.

I do excellent eggs with heat.

Yeah.

I graduated from the Juilliard School of Cooking Arts, and I'm a Michelin star rated chef.

What's your name?

Cross.

It's actually just a cross, like the plus symbol, cross.

It's not a T.

It's a cross.

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, but definitely not a Kanaka place.

Nice, clean people.

I mean, we got plenty of Asians.

Oh, man.

Do I have to work with them?

I mean, if I'm just...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Like, what kind of Asian?

Like, really Asian?

Or just, like, a little bit?

Oh, like, yellow, good at math, all that stuff?

You got it.

Oh, man.

Better math than we'll ever be.

You're Asian?

You're Asian, too, aren't you?

Oh, good, good.

I thought I offended you, boy.

I'm sorry.

Good, I'm glad you're not offended.

Man, you know how it is, me and you.

We got to stick together, you know?

Us good Howleys, you know?

Yeah.

All right.

Because they're taking everything.

They're trying to take everything from us, man.

They're taking everything.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Don't be like that.

Come on.

I imagine, I'm pretty sure I know who you're probably friends with.

Who?

If you tell me who, I'll tell you.

If you tell me who, I promise I'll tell you if it is them or not.

Tell me. I'll tell you who. I'll tell you who it is if you tell me who you think.

Oh, man.

Aw.

I just threw in two more complainers that are brand new, fresh off the presses.

Fresh off the press.

Oh, this bitch tweets a lot.

Where's the offending tweet?

So the first one is a FedEx one.

All right.

Ken or Kendra or either of you.

That was great.

I can be a manager.

Penis.

It's right here.

Dwight says penis.

I guess that means he's good.

Oh, penis.

I think that's what it means.

He's working on the id.

So cool.

I say id.

Well.

You've reached Michael Giardino.

I'm sorry I couldn't get to you.

Hi, you've reached Michael Giardino.

All right.

So the next one is.

I'm on my phone right now.

But if you leave your name and a number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Have a great day.

Destiny, and she's complaining about you're the worst Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut complainer.

Okay.

The number you dialed is not.

No.

Well, fuck.

It happened.

What do we got?

Chad says they have two more lovable kittens for free to be adopted.

Anyone want kittens?

I'm really bad with free pet calls.

I just get like.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about past time.

Free firewood.

I can do that.

That I can work with.

Or kittens.

Even my cats were kittens.

I just hope they find nice homes.

That's all.

People really should just get their pets spayed and neutered.

Bob Barker had it right.

He did.

Is he still alive?

Yes.

Yeah.

He's giving crazy fucking money and boats to the sea shepherds and shit

so they could chase down the whalers.

Yeah, naming them after him and shit.

I used to love watching that show just like them fucking with the whalers.

It's just the funniest shit.

But the first one or two, yeah.

Like, three quarters of the time, they failed at it, too.

Yeah.

One year, they actually, they got them to leave and shit.

I was like, that was the last I watched of it.

I think that's when the tsunami came, though.

Like, they had to go back to fucking hell, funnily.

But the, uh, the funny thing, they're like, oh, we gotta throw these, you know, bottles of just these stink bombs on board.

And, like, it was a bunch of, like, non-athletic motherfuckers that, like, couldn't throw them.

And we're like, why aren't the Americans?

They can throw, like, baseballs.

They can throw this shit.

Dude, when the guy got shot in the chest

With like a flare gun

Oh, that was so fucking staged

He had a bulletproof vest on

He's like, oh, one guy was shot

One guy was shot

Oh my god

Alright, so this is that Starbucks poll person

Let's see if we can answer

They answered

I don't know

I'm going to see if I can get him to answer

To me what he voted

because it isn't really clear to me at least.

You've reached my vote now.

Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks very much.

Goddamn.

Try again, but I'm doubtful.

Yeah, hi.

You're John Claude?

This is Cross.

I'm calling from Starbucks.

You answered a poll on Twitter?

Yeah.

Can you explain exactly what your vote was?

It isn't quite clear.

Did you vote for waves?

is which would you rather make a difference or waves and

You said minority waves.

Are you saying waves?

Is that what you would rather have?

Okay.

All right.

So, yeah, thank you for your vote.

We just need to let you know that we cannot proceed with your vote unless you agree to get a hot handle,

cut right over, cut any rights to the idea.

They're going to be ours now.

so we need you to we're going to fax you a form that you need to sign back saying that you give

us all permission to have all benefits and we own the rights to the idea that you came up with for

waves that you do not stand to receive any type of compensation for coming up with that okay do

you have a fax number or an email address where i can send that form to you can either fax it back

or scan to email it back worst case scenario you can mail it back but in order for us to count your

vote, we're going to need to get that form back

signed, and notarized, actually.

Right. I was going to have you try to send

to a help desk corporate

and have

them electronically sign it.

I'm going to try that. Maybe one of you can tell them that.

Hi, you can reach my voice now. Leave me a message.

I'll get back to you. You know, Carlito,

a place we haven't called in a long time that

you can get your

bench hold on at? Yeah.

Let me give you this number. Okay.

This is front desk help, John.

Buona sera.

Thank you for calling Aaron Chino at the Kahala.

This is Matt.

How may I assist you?

Hey, my connect.

I see that you're looking for front desk help.

We are.

All right.

So what do you want to know?

You want to know what the job requirements are?

Yeah, I used to work for Help Desk Corporate.

I can give you their website.

You can see the job I used to do there.

No, no.

Just shoot me your resume.

Can I give you the address, the web address to get the resume at, please?

Yeah, it's mattataranchino.com.

No, I'm going to give you an email address.

I'm going to give you an address, a web address to go to to see my resume really big on the screen.

Okay.

It's helpdeskcorporate.com slash resume.

Hold on.

Helpdesk.corporate.

No, helpdeskcorporate.com.

Why don't you email me the link, okay?

Oh.

At a**hole.com.

How do you spell a**hole?

You should Google it.

Can you just spell it out, please?

Okay, why wouldn't you want to give it out to me?

That's kind of rude.

I'm sorry?

That's kind of rude.

I think it's crazy that you're calling.

You're grounded.

You can't use the computer.

Remember, Mom said all this week.

Shit.

What's your fax number?

I'll have the fax number.

Is this a joke?

No, do you have a fax number I can send it to?

Yes.

Mom's going to be...

Kendra, leave your brother alone and come in the other room with Daddy.

Mom's going to be pissed if he doesn't get that job.

Okay, thank you.

Take your clothes off.

We're going to fax you all the stuff.

All right, everyone, fax that number.

Fax dicks.

Big dicks.

Big black elephant dicks.

Blacks.

Dashie, get on it.

Get on it.

There's the number for Gaslamp.

The Bancho Pizza place.

What's Gaslamp?

That's a Bancho.

They're a Bancho pizza maker.

That's a very strange name.

Are they in the Gaslamp district?

I have no idea, but we haven't called them in a while.

Gaslamp Pizza, can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

For pickup or delivery?

For pickup.

What would you like to get?

One pizza.

Okay.

Wow.

Large or extra?

Round.

Large or extra large?

Extra large.

Okay.

Round.

Can I have the round one, not the square?

Extra large, what do you like on it?

I want the round one, not the square one.

You know how you have the square one, Sicilian?

Which one?

I don't want the triangle or anything like that, or rectangle.

We don't have the triangle or anything like that.

We only have pizza.

Good.

You know what kind of pizza comes?

What kind of cheese?

Yeah, because some places have, like, an artisanal triangle pizza.

I don't want that.

Oh, no, we don't have that.

We only have circle.

I want real pizza because this hotel I'm at, they have this triangle pizza.

It's disgusting.

It tastes like, ugh.

Well, I get you.

What would you like on it?

A little bit of bhenchod.

We don't have that.

Do you have mar chod?

We don't have that.

Okay, do you have sister that I can kiss when I come down to get the pizza?

No, she doesn't know about your sister.

It's for kissing your sister.

and my sister, my mother's sister.

You're a man?

Yeah.

You're a man now?

Yeah, big man.

I'm going to kiss your sister.

You're a pussy, nigga.

You're a pussy.

You know why?

Yeah.

Let me tell you one thing, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

If you want to be a man, come face to face.

You know what I'm saying?

I put my knife in your motherfucker pussy, you know?

You know what I'm saying?

Because I think you don't have a dick.

You have a pussy, nigga.

You're attacking behind the phone being a man.

You're attacking trash.

Come right here, nigga.

I have a bigger dick than you.

Hey, shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.

Hey, if you call this number again,

Again, I'm going to get this number for the police.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Your mother gave birth to you in the street.

Like a dog.

He's going to cut me.

Oh, they're crazy over there, man.

Cut me with his knife in my pussy.

He's going to put his nuts in your pussy.

Yeah, hi.

Can I make an order?

What's your address?

It's for pickup.

We don't do pickup, man.

Okay.

When is your sister available?

When your mom is available, I'm going to fuck her so good.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, but your sister first.

But I fuck your sister first.

Hey, shut the fuck up, man.

Let me talk.

I fuck her twice.

When I'm fucking a pussy nigga like you,

shut the fuck up.

You know what I'm saying?

Get the fuck out of here.

I don't have time for you, dude.

Ah, fuck you.

Love it.

Oh, they're firing you over there.

Yeah.

I always go through the long order.

I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me get your breadsticks.

Oh, is that it?

I was like, uh, yeah,

but then I'm going to need your sister's pussy.

Then they go, fuck you, you motherfucker.

Yeah.

Here's a Comcast number I think I missed.

I want to try that

oh he's still

in an outage

with all the numbers

he's still in an outage

because the number

didn't work

the google subscriber

you have called

is not available

your orders earlier

brought us some

one two three

fake streams

yeah

it was a fun show

look I really gotta go

it's gonna be three

in the morning

I gotta be up at eight

I gotta go

adios

yeah

thanks for being on

thanks for this

very funny show

thank you

thanks for being on

Morgan

We didn't get to utilize your skills tonight

My bad

Big Dwight, thanks for being on again

You're not going to do a Saturday show

I'll be on for Milkman's birthday show

I'll be on Tuesday

Saturday show has been relinquished

To the Carlito and the Milkman

Birthday Spectacular

Good luck with your video project

Your webcam Halloween project

That sounds fun

We're going to try to get it out there

I just released another webcam prank

like 10 minutes ago.

It's a Halloween-ish one.

Huh?

Did he say it's Carlita's birthday too?

No, Milkman's is on Saturday.

Oh, it's mine too, actually.

Oh, snap. There's another one.

There's a lot of

Halloween birthdays around here.

Cool.

We are 21 subscribers away from hitting that

1,000 mark on Dwight's YouTube.

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do when you hit 1,000?

I don't know. I'll probably show my dick and get the

accounts suspended. Real quick,

someone came at me, so I was like, hey man,

one of my, oh yeah, also Prank Calls

of the Week. Prank Call of the Week is

my weekly, I take tonight's best

pranks and I just make one long

one video of it with just the

best pranks. It comes out to like 30-40 minutes

on average. But that way you

can just hear the pranks and not worry too much

about the show if you don't have that much time.

Someone

asked, someone called me, yeah, how did you get

thousands of views on one

of your YouTube videos? Yeah, I did pay

pay for it because it's the system is gamed man actually just most anybody especially for prank

calls they're all doing that so for me not to do that means that my video doesn't get really seen

or anything like that you bought views yeah you can buy yeah you can buy views i know you can

yeah it's just yeah i don't i mean i know i'm not kidding anyone when i do that i'm just trying to

get the show more visible out there compared to other motherfuckers who do it also and have

have shit that isn't in my opinion just lame ass pranks lame ass pranks and they do the same thing

and they get you know the actual more legit well that's the thing like the more views you get even

if they're fake the more real views you'll get exactly so i have no shame in that and yeah it's

gaming the system and yeah if youtube heard this they probably get real pissed off and ban my

account but i'm i'm telling you all right now straight up yeah dude i'm not ashamed i might

I'm going to have to do that, you know.

Yeah, you have to.

I'll give you a link.

Can I plug this?

If anybody wants to sponsor the Dwight, I don't know, I guess boost of views,

go to the Dwight Facebook.

Or you can go to, you know, donate on thezodiac69 at gmail.com for PayPal.

And maybe Dwight will try to purchase some views

and see if we can't get that channel going a little more.

Yeah, you can do that.

It's a thousand you're trying to get to, right?

I'm only 21 away from a thousand.

Good.

I have like 14.

14.

The videos and stuff,

the webcam stuff is what's actually

really pushing the channel right now.

Yeah.

You'll have to watch the one I just put out.

This lady's fucking insane.

Highly medicated.

it might be about 14 or 15 subscribers closer to your goal in the next few minutes yay slaves

all right guys i gotta go thanks for being on have a good night see you later everyone make

sure to help dwight reaches if you haven't subscribed to dwight's show yet uh rather his

youtube channel be sure to do so he's dwight the janitor no dwight yeah dwight the janitor

should be dwight the janitor that's his youtube channel morgan has one also i don't remember off

off the top of my head,

but I'm sure you can get it easily

if you're in the community

or look really hard.

All right, so, Milkman,

are you here still?

Can you unmute?

Are you here, honey baby?

Hey, you want to take us

the fuck out of here

so I can get some sleep, machine?

Are you ready to get

the fuck out of here,

big, gentle, easy, much, sure, man?

I want to thank your buddy

for stopping and all our friends

over there at 98.6,

the mouth, all our...

All the numbers.

Honey, so, I knew I did.

That's right.

I can shake a fight

right here on the internet.

You drop a dime,

And we just ask you to give us the time to bring your friends or bring your enemies because they're going to be welcome right here in the Madhouse.

That's right.

You, me, and the journalists, we deal with them all, saving lives one call at a time.

Thank you, Milkman.

We love you, bro.

Very good show tonight, man.

I really enjoyed the stretch there, man.

And I had a good old time, man.

I had much fun in agency.

Thanks for abiding by me, man.

That was really fun.

So our next show is planned for Saturday.

Saturday, we're probably not going to do a Sunday show next week.

It'll be Saturday for Milkman's birthday.

That's Halloween the 31st.

We're aiming for 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific.

It's start time for that show.

All of my friends, all of our friends are welcome.

Hell, even my enemies, I don't give a shit.

We love you, man.

Everybody, come and have a big Halloween party with us for sure, man.

Thanks for everybody that helped make that possible.

You stay at home, you give out candy, and you listen to Madhouse.

all right milkman all right i'll talk to you later milkman i'll talk to everyone else

yeah we'll talk offline oh yeah all right everybody y'all have a good week see you saturday

Calls (45, 2 h 20 min of 4 h 14 min)

Transcript

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