Milkman’s Last Birthday

Listen, asshole, don't call me anymore.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get the cruddies.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

It's not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

The evening.

And that's what we call that.

Host of the show, yeah.

My man, Muffin Muffin.

Oh, it's your stupid birthday.

Yeah.

Oh, I forgot, dear shiny boy.

I'm trying to get a little here elderly.

You're right.

It is my birthday.

Let us part.

Halloween.

What are you going to get for your birthday?

Diabetes?

No, no.

Pocha Rita.

Excuse me.

We're here with the milkman for his birthday, his last birthday on the show.

We won't celebrate this again.

again because we're becoming a jehovah's witness show here now so you know we're not going to

recognize that or halloween it's halloween also yay halloween yeah stupid halloween

but i always i always say my my real treats for my best friends man you do man i got a treat for

you buddy oh great that sounds like a game and it ain't my pants either hello yeah hi my name is

I'm a big fan of Florida Georgia Line

and I see that you have an appliance for sale

kitchen stove

Florida Georgia Line

I love them

good Christian men

no because we were just listening to some

right now and I just felt like saying

the Lord just told me I should share that with

someone you know

yeah amen

yeah I've got a stove and a dryer

oh praise Jesus

glory be to his name

glory be to the Father

father amen uh how blessed are these appliances they work so oh good what a blessing lord's

blessings upon the appliances making them go in the machinery inside of them and god bless the

people who design the machines and god bless the people who built the machines god bless the store

that carried them where'd you buy the machines from they were in the house yeah but where did

you get them they were like oh god bless the people that put them in the house too because

Because someone had to move those in, right, and connect them to the water hookups.

Yeah, and God bless the plumbers that come to the house to put in the water hookups and everything

and make sure that the toilets are flushing.

Okay, and how may I help you?

I'd like to come take a look at those.

I know it's kind of late tonight to come now.

I was thinking I can come over after church.

Do you go to church?

Yes.

Okay, I'd like to come over after church.

What time do you go to church? Usually our services get done around 2 and then we have nice coffee afterwards until 2.30.

Oh, and where do you go to church?

We go to Mission Hill. It's over by Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm not familiar with that.

Yeah, it's based off of the Church of the Machine. It's the local parish of the Church of the Machine.

Okay, so is that north, east, west, or south?

I mean, it's in Rogersville.

I don't know where that is to you.

I mean, that would depend on you.

That would depend on you.

You know where that is to you.

Is your friend okay?

Milkman, are you okay?

What's wrong with him?

I got a bad cramp.

It's his birthday.

We had a lot of sushi.

He's doing a lot of sake bombs and getting sushi.

I'm kind of anticipated, bro.

Don't tell anybody.

That's quite all right.

So, yeah, trick or treat.

Can you please provide us with candy now?

With what?

Can you provide us with candy now?

Please?

No, I'm handing out vegetables.

Okay, then in that case, I have some salami for you.

If you don't mind, what you'll do is you open the door,

and I want you to bend over and expose your vagina and spread your labia apart.

Vegetables.

That was funny.

She's giving out vegetables.

It's your job.

I should have played Oh God, Bill.

She would have hung up.

She stayed for that because everyone has to shit.

Even Jesus had to shit.

You know, there was that call I did once as a pastor,

and I just kept asking him if Jesus ever shit,

that stinky shit, the farts.

Why are you so obsessed with that?

He actually had a good point.

Why was I so obsessed?

I mean, it suggests humanity.

It suggests humanity.

I mean, if he had to go take a trooper,

then he obviously was human.

I mean, that's what...

sure man whatever you say case well let me let me change my caller id to something local

i always end up saying that but let me seriously do that i love jesus by the way too i went to him

yeah of the machine cutting in the church of the machine believes that one of the latest

incarnations of who we all know is the generalito carlito to an automatic voice message system

four that guy don't want to answer so we'll go to the next one no show if you have it you know

So, like, if those are one of ten, you've got to hand out the horse machine ranch road.

Case knives, all in good shape.

Shape.

Case knife.

What's a case knife?

What makes a case knife a case knife?

Case knife is a brand.

Gerber, that kind of thing, is a good knife.

Case is a good knife.

Gerber knife?

Call has been forwarded.

Gerber makes very good, like, not too expensive food.

Unless it makes our best fuck.

Oh, I heard that case knives are a piece of shit.

What is a case knife?

Case knives suck really bad.

Apparently, they're really bad, low-rated.

I didn't tell you about that.

I don't know for sure now.

What's the other one you said?

Fuck with knives for you.

What was the other one you said?

Gerber's a grand.

And, like, the one that, what the fuck, the military dudes carry, it's, oh, fuck, I just

remember.

Well, Sloth is saying that that's a piece of shit, too.

The Gerber one.

Okay, Gerber?

Yeah.

Smith and Wesson makes them, too.

That's a piece of shit, too, he says.

That's right.

None of this is true.

I have no idea that any of these are bad milkmen.

probably the worst one is boker that's what i use a lot of bokers bokers yeah they're german

made man dude these are the fucking baddest fucking switches out there man i got these

really good ones called american fair oh i'm gonna look up boker man look up a real boker

called a speed lock them motherfuckers yeah i got a i got a numbered edition one call that number

so here now here listen to this hello yeah hi you got some case knives i've got a few okay which

Which model numbers you got?

Which ones?

I don't know.

Come on.

I got to know what kind of knife.

It's a random knife.

I don't need, like, a paring knife.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

You hear that noise?

I don't know.

Can you hear it?

Tell me if you hear it.

What?

Did you hear it?

Do it again.

All right, listen.

Yeah.

There you go.

That's how fucking quick a speed lock works.

Is that what you have?

Wow, man.

You have a weapon?

That motherfucker's fast and strong, dude.

Okay.

Okay. Someone is selling a motorcycle.

I'm going to say it on the blade.

The imitations, they won't have it on the blade.

Yeah, hi. You got a motorcycle machine?

Yes, sir.

All right. How blessed is that machine right now?

How what now?

How blessed is it?

Brother, it's blessed really good.

Basically, man, it's been gross, Kip.

It was, you know, a while since she just had a back injury,

and uh i finally just got it out messing with it and i just got up for sale because we just

don't need it no more man and uh yeah it's really good bike man it's only got 438 original miles on

it yeah it basically when you come to look at it if you ever do uh it looks like a brand new

when you go to the bike shop that's the bike shop yeah when you go to a bike shop yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah.

Just like a brand new one.

Oh, wow, man.

Okay.

Yeah, and it drives good.

So, how'd your wife hurt her back?

How did she hurt her back?

Yeah, she hurt her back on the motorcycle.

A car accident.

Oh.

No, she didn't hurt it on the motorcycle.

Oh, okay.

I thought maybe you were fucking her or something, you know?

Fucking her hard.

It wasn't her.

I thought maybe you had been fucking her and you messed up her back, you know?

Well, I couldn't have hurt her and fucked up her back.

Well, yeah, because you could...

Yeah, if you got, um, if you long dick her, you know, you can fuck up a girl's back pretty bad.

Oh, yeah, if I, if I long dick her, you know, it'd be different.

Yeah, so she's pretty fucking stupid.

I'm just an average-sized boy.

So she caused the fucking accident?

She's fucking stupid.

It's good that she got hurt and shit.

It's what now?

It's good that she got hurt because she caused that fucking accident.

It's good that my lady got hurt.

Yeah, she caused the fucking accident.

Fucking bitch, right?

Who is it?

Huh?

Who is it?

This is Bob.

Bob.

Bob who?

Bob.

Calling about the motorcycle.

Listen, this ain't about the motorcycle.

You done talked about my lady, bro.

Yeah, and?

So?

So.

What are you going to do about it?

You want me to talk about your old lady?

What are you going to do about it?

I could do a lot about it.

I could whoop your ass.

You probably try, but you get your ass whooped.

I don't want to have to whoop your ass too bad, you know?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Yeah, motherfucker, come on.

All right, and we'll fight in front of you.

Hey, you ready?

We can do it.

We'll fight in front of your girl.

Let's fight for my girl.

Let's do it, motherfucker.

Yeah, like men.

You know my girl, so who are you?

All right, motherfucker, where are we going to meet?

You want to go to the Walmarts?

It don't matter to me.

Where are you going to go?

I'm going to be at the Walmarts in 15 minutes.

How about that?

All right, bro.

In 15 minutes.

Okay.

Which Walmarts are you going to?

Which one?

We're going to meet in one city.

How long until you get there?

It won't even take 10 minutes.

Jeez, boy.

Yeah, all right.

All right, then.

Is this your cell phone?

um no this ain't my cell phone no what's your is your cell phone the other number

is it this number that's ringing right now he's not picking up his cell

it might be the old lady's number i'm sorry i think he's trying to get rid of his fucking

wife like a 500 pound sack that's why her knees all blown out now they're trying to get rid on

you girl i like i started off saying it's you know it's a motorcycle blast blast this plus

What's that?

Then I get, yeah, I thought you were fucking your wife.

Like, what?

He's trying to amateur car salesman tricks.

Man, it looks just like brand new, like a showroom, man.

You can't tell the difference.

Only got born eight miles.

Sounds like a used salesman.

Used car salesman.

Yeah, man.

He kind of sounds like that cheese boy, man.

Where was he at, man?

He's like downtown somewhere, man.

Yeah, Tennessee.

Tennessee, man.

This is the tux.

Where was he at?

He sounded like cheese boy.

This is out where Tuck lives.

Okay, okay.

I told you he was down that way.

You get a special meal a day, Milkman?

You should get, like, your whole chicken.

Hello?

Hello, hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Hey, I'm eating a whole chicken.

Huh?

I'm buying a whole chicken.

I'm going to eat it.

At the store.

Who is this?

I'm calling for a, you have a 96 GMC Jimmy?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, what can you tell me about that?

How's that, uh, is it, how blessed is it?

Oh, it's good, it's, it's good, uh, Jimmy.

Oh, God bless it.

All right.

Uh, God bless the people who made the, uh, the, the Jimmy, too.

Have you had any problems, any accidents with it?

No.

No accidents.

No accidents at all?

No.

No, man.

No.

You know, the body's in good shape.

Oh, why are you getting rid of it?

Got too many vehicles.

Oh, okay.

You got too many.

How many vehicles you got?

Jesus.

Oh, hell.

We got, uh...

Holy fucking shit.

One, two, three...

Holy shit.

Four...

Fucking Jay Leno over here.

Do what?

You're like fucking Jay Leno over there with the fucking cars.

Oh, shit.

it can't help oh man we got we got about six you got about six cars well what's the nicest car you

have what's the nicest car you have uh my wife's jeep oh well it's a nice jeep yeah what is it

what is it is it a jimmy another jimmy no it's a patriot oh what year right here you're not selling

on it no well yours is just out of curiosity i'm a big uh jimmy and jeep fan her jeep 2007

oh nice that was a good yeah that was a good deer that was a good model right there i had a lot of

they got rid of that ac problem that they had starting in that year so yeah you got it at the

right right time before they messed up the engine manifold in the next generation so you actually

she got in right at the right time there oh yeah motherfucker fuck yeah man hell yeah um so where

do you keep that car where is it where do you keep that in a garage no outside no we don't have

we don't we don't have a garage outside okay even better okay all right like where is it like lit

very well where you keep it yeah it has a lot of lighting okay um and alarm system on it or

No.

No?

Hey, on the keys, there's a little engraved number there on the keys to the door.

Can you read that out to me?

No, I don't need the keys out.

Oh, shit.

I don't need the word.

Yeah.

Are there any other cars that block it in?

No.

No?

Oh, perfect.

Good, good.

Is it, like, on a gravel road, or?

No, it's in our driveway.

It's in the driveway.

That's good.

Yeah, so I could get in there and, you know, just put it in neutral and move it back and

then rock it back and forth.

and start it no yeah yeah i think i could do that all right good now that i know you know cool yeah

that's a good idea um but the 96 jimmy though can i test drive that yeah when can i come test

i'm not gonna do that i was just saying you shouldn't be giving out information like that

sir that's not very very safe for you to do you know don't be so trusting like that it was good

okay whatever my i'm tucker mike and i'm from dateline mbc radio and we're just helping out

dumb seniors like you who do stuff like that have you ever gotten phone calls from people saying that

they won the lottery but they need you to cash in the check for them and shit like that i yeah

yeah don't those aren't real either just to let you know okay oh yeah i know i don't do i don't

deal with them okay and if a guy named roy calls you um don't just hang up the phone or dwight if

If a guy named Dwight calls you, don't talk to either of them.

Why?

Because they're just going to mess with you.

They're just going to mess with you.

Don't talk to them.

If they call you about the Jimmy 4x4, the name is Roy,

and there's a guy named Dwight, don't talk to him either.

And there's a guy, there's some other guys.

I forget their names.

I always forget their names, you know.

But you shouldn't talk to them.

okay yeah because they they'll they'll make asshole offers you know because you're i'm

i'm offering you 1500 they're going to come at you and offer you like some bullshit like 1700

and they'll show up there and what they're going to do is they're going to give you 100

and give you a check for 1600 and you're like wow that's awesome you know like yeah here's

a hundred dollar deposit no that's they said they were going to do that they're planning on doing it

Yeah, they said they were going to do that.

I don't deal with people like that.

There's this guy.

I've had a couple of people try to tell me,

well, give me your name and address, and I'll mail you a check.

Yeah, no, fuck that shit, no.

And there's a guy named Token, also.

There's a guy named Newman, also.

You shouldn't, uh, Mr. Newman, Mr. Token.

I'm trying to remember.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

And there's a Matt Hillock,

or he'll say like matt fucking hillock you know like that he'll probably want to do some shit

like that to you too so don't do that all right okay all right honey all right so what have we

learned can we come back and milkman do you have anything for him you don't find job sir all right

yeah i don't think so this is yeah this is becoming very uh it's not really going anywhere

so sorry i'm gonna have to let you go unless you want do you want to hang on the line when i call

I'm going to call someone for some firewood.

Do you want to stay on the phone and listen?

Can you make a public service announcement?

...forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Yeah, well, those motherfuckers didn't answer.

So, fuck it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck it.

All right, asshole.

We just wanted you to make a promo for the Dateline, that's all.

Yeah, tell him, you know, I'm a stupid old man.

He's gone.

I learned a lot.

He's gone, he's gone.

This is Roy Tucker.

i was gonna make him say i'm a stupid old man and don't do it that guy's older so that song

we played at the beginning of the show that's uh the top song when milkman was born hello

hello oh yeah hey boy how you doing boy you got some firewood for sale uh yeah all right uh can

you come over here and drop a load on me yeah yeah i need you to come over here and drop a

a load uh on me here on my property and i'll pay you i need you to come over here and drop a load

on my property and i'll pay you once you get here i mean do you deliver will you drop a load here or

do i need to come get the load over there a little bit of both what do you mean a little bit of both

i wouldn't bring part of it and you can come get the rest of it uh what part of it will you bring

like up to how much i don't know what you need well he says here that you'll deliver locally so

So I'm asking, you know, what's local?

What's your local area that you'll deliver to?

Do what now?

What's your local area that you'll deliver to?

It says here that you'll deliver locally.

You have some firewood for sale.

It's starting to get cold, you know.

I want to get it packed up so it doesn't get wet, you know.

I deliver here in Rogersville.

In Rogersville?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, all right.

That's fine.

I'm on Horse Machine Ranch Road.

So how much do you charge to drop a load here, though?

What about Rogersville?

How's it going?

going um horse machine ranch horse machine right it's a new development it's on off a horse machine

ranch road there's 20 there's uh several 25 acre ranches out here brand new construction

uh several 25 acre ranches huh yeah brand new i don't know what what part of odds was that in

uh i mean i'm new here i just bought brand new i'm from the city so i don't really you know

know know much about it i just i i won a settlement cash settlement against the government uh uh for

an injury and now i just kind of i bought this ranch i got some goats i got some horse machines

out here i mean like i don't know the area that well but i see you got some wood i want to make

sure that we did this we have a whole firewood set up and when the the kitchen has this big

wood stove like old style i mean it's all brand new but it's like old style wood stove in there

you can make your stuff on there too oh it's really cool warms the whole house up yeah it's

mostly built it's mostly built i hear for preppers you know and stuff like that you know those

republicans you know scared i got a 200 load on the truck you got 200 load oh yeah all right

you'll drop that right here um what i i have uh i want i'd like you to put it down in the basement

you know down back in the basement so if you could give me if you could call me you could let

me know like verbally that you're getting you're coming uh when you're on your way to drop your

load on me here you just say that you're coming you're coming and i'll make sure to i'll make

sure that the doors are open nice and wide because it's going to go down in the basement shed that i

got oh yeah you want to come that way yeah you just call out to me and you say i'm coming i'm

i'm coming like that you know and you uh you ain't on this load right now are you huh you ain't

oh yeah i could go for a load i'd go for two three loads right now oh that'll cost you about

three hundred dollars yeah all right we'll come on down then all right yeah well i'll tell you

what i may go walmart here in about 45 minutes all right fine we'll meet at walmart then

motherfucker you all right then fine have

Have I called him before?

Or did he just say Walmart?

Is that his go-to thing?

Dude, I don't know, dude, where that came from.

I don't remember you ever calling him before.

He was asking too many questions.

He was just guessing, I guess.

Yeah, I think he's either talked to me before,

or he's, like, a plant from the radio station,

and he put his own address.

Wait, where'd you get the number at?

I've been using the same radio station's webpage for, like, years now.

So, I don't know.

Oh, okay, okay.

I always wonder if they know, if they've gotten the complaints yet.

Like, you know, some guy keeps telling me he wants to meet at Walmart,

And he lives on Horse Machine Ranch.

Because when I said Horse Machine Ranch, he's like, Horse Machine Ranch, huh?

I was like, oh, he's hurt.

He's like, 25-acre ranch.

Yeah, I heard him repeat.

He said, 25 acres?

Sounds like he is familiar with that.

Huh.

I never thought of that, dude.

That's interesting.

He's probably put an ad in before, and I've talked to him, either for Firewood or something else.

And he's followed the show.

Or maybe they finally found out.

I think it's really funny.

I really think, because this, their site.

He didn't ask for the number, and you didn't give it to him.

Yeah, no, he said, yeah.

Walmart got in there all of a sudden.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

But if that guy listens to the show, hey, what's up, big guy?

Thanks, man.

We're looking for that load.

Is that the guy that I had out there recently?

I told him I'd be there in 30 minutes, because he said I'll be in Walmart in about 30 minutes.

Is that the guy I talked to last week?

Isn't that the one we called a while back?

He got all pissed off.

I mean, the incident was looking for you.

Where's that white Prius?

last week last six days ago to an automatic voice remember dude it was like beating on the prius

yeah it was six days ago dude yeah yeah it's it was last the last show that we had

do you think that was him yeah that might have been him i think that well let's you know what

we can do uh if you're if if you're a fan of the show and you're a youtube user like who isn't

hello um you can subscribe to prank oh that reminds me i gotta get another and that's what

i'm like prank calls of the week is my new project here where what i do is every week's show i edit

the show now and i edit down the podcast and then i pick what are the best pranks out of that

sometimes it's like anywhere between it comes in between 20 minutes and like over an hour sometimes

depends on how well the show did how many calls there were how long it went and how many of those

calls were good i try to put i take out a lot of the pranks too i don't put in all the pranks i

don't really go anywhere i just put what i consider that i would want to hear for example yeah for

example for last week's show we had an hour and 23 minutes plus worth of pranks uh for last week's

show the week before that there was only 43 minutes worth of pranks um but those were all good those

yeah well all right so because of that and that's on youtube on my youtube channel madhouse radio

on youtube subscribe to prank calls of the week um because of that every prank now um that's on

that if you look at the show notes you can go you can look at it and and i've got the time stamps

for every prank in this in each youtube video so you can go straight to it um so who directly in

the middle of the show yeah was that two weeks ago was it last week that the priest was getting

hit on do you remember say no he was selling he was selling an elmo bed that's what it was here

Here we go.

I got it.

Yeah, hey, I'm waiting here at Walmart.

Well, where the fuck you at, man?

I'm sitting out here in the parking lot.

Is this right here your fucking silver Prius?

Yeah.

I'm getting ready to kick the fucking shit out of you.

Where you at?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm inside the store.

Hey, hey, come on.

I'm inside the store.

So that was last week.

Does that sound...

I don't think that's him, man.

Yeah, I have to ask the guy because he got mad because I'll come on here in a little

bit and I'll start talking shit, man.

Yeah, I know.

You better leave that car alone, man.

They're trying to get you to smack me.

Now, this call was on October 25th.

here yeah milkman i don't think it's the same guy i know it's the same call we're talking about i'm

saying oh okay okay no yeah his voice did sound a little different close yeah i'm inside the store

fucking spick latin motherfucking nigger hey don't yeah that's different that's different

i i won't you fucking show on but he's mad though too man but he sounds a little bit younger than

the other guy the other guy would sound a little older yeah so people think i really i fielded a

a lot of questions this week with with people asking me was that really do you think he was

really he wasn't hitting on a car because he was inside there was a slight echo to his voice and i

called him out on it finally and then i kept remember i kept telling him go to your car and

honk the horn and prove it's you he's like i didn't do it i'm doing it like yeah you're full

of shit and then and then when he he started like acting like he was kind of going around maybe he

He was going to do it.

I heard the door creak as he opened it.

He was going from inside his house to go to his car outside or in the garage to honk it.

And I called him out on it, and he started stammering and shit.

So I think he was just in his house beating on something, like on the side of his bed or something.

Yeah, right, right.

He was fucking with us, too, man.

But it was pretty good theatrics, man.

It made a good call.

It did make for a good call.

And some people still thought maybe, yeah.

Yeah, but that is my estimation with 90% certainty, confidence level.

Actually, it didn't sound right because there was no external noise.

There was no, like, sounds of, like, cars, anything, dude.

That's why I was kind of, like, playing with him.

It didn't sound like he was telling the truth, but he was giving so much good drama, man.

I kept him going.

Yeah, but it's funny because you're calling me.

You're like, hey, man, don't be doing that now, man.

Come on.

Basically saying, please do it some more.

go to your car and honk the horn

just come the fuck on out here

it's too damn small

I'm a full grown man

I'm 6'4 what do you expect

well then why the fuck did you call me for

you stupid ass motherfucker

you had a good deal what is the problem here

who the fuck am I talking to now

other motherfuckers

sound like a damn fucking Mexican

fucking wetback

don't talk shit about Eddie Garcia

I don't talk shit, motherfucker.

That's my Catholic pastor.

I don't give a fuck.

He's a cool Mexican.

That's my Catholic pastor.

He's telling me.

Well, come the fuck around here.

Let's see how fucking cool he is whenever I whoop his ass.

Hey, now, I don't want no trouble, man.

You put a scratch on that Prius, I'm warning you.

I'm warning you.

I'm going to do some hot karate shit here.

My heart kicks the fucking shit out of it.

Oh, you better not.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't see how his 450-pound fat-ass is in the son of a bitch.

That's funny.

I said I weighed 450 pounds, and then I was dripping a Prius.

He doesn't have six foot four.

What the hell do you expect?

The minute I say that, he laughs.

He laughed, and I started laughing.

He thought it was funny.

I entertained the guy, at least.

He did a little bit of acting.

But anyway.

He was actually a good caller, man, because he was playing along on his part.

He did a good job, man.

He'd make a good prank caller.

Maybe I should loop around and try to find him if he hasn't changed his number.

It seems every time that I try to go back to these swap shop guys who seem kind of cool,

go back and like try and talk to him nice right and then like hey man let's do this and then play

it i've tried and they always change their number they always change their number on me the next

week even yeah it's crazy uh bastards but anyway that reminds me listen uh two more things here

youtube related number two yeah so subscribe and like the when they come out you know you know do

a good big thumbs up machine down there that helps out and leave a comment helps out and i'm not

not asking you to share it you don't have to just watch it please give me a view one or two views

how the hell do i subscribe to this where do i subscribe at it sounds great man madhouse radio

on youtube and then there's uh these prank calls are of the week are right there and but anyway

just go to youtube yeah yeah but listen prank calls of the week and i should come up madhouse

prank calls of the week yeah so yeah yeah well that being said now if there's a particular call

that you liked on the podcast, it's probably

right there and easy to get to. If you look at the show

notes and you find the title of the prank you're

thinking about, you can click on the

timestamp and it takes you right to where it starts.

Thank you for calling. You are the world's most experienced

restoration expert and it's a problem.

Every one of them have time code on it, man.

That's fucking awesome, dude. You're so nice.

Yeah, I want to put the hair on my back

and ass.

Okay, well, good luck to you. You know, but prank calling

is illegal. We can report you're not.

No, it's not. No, it's not. You published

this number to be called, you stupid

stupid say shit like that now here's here's the week before this is on youtube too let me see

what that's because there was let me see if there's a call that i can play real quick just

to show the amazingness of of how i've set it up now if i can keep it up if enough people like it

and subscribe i'll be motivated to keep doing it just like this so everybody can go you can hear

the prank directly yeah i mean it's so nice you put the time code so you can cut right to the

show and just start like listening to what happened before and after yeah i like it just

Just because I'm, you know, like, for example, like, I was listening, letting a friend of

mine listen to it, who isn't really a listener to the show, but was like, hey, you want to

hear some of my stuff?

So I just played this for him.

Like, here's my, here's the best of my last show, and I just played the YouTube videos.

Like, oh, shit, you know, like, then you have to worry about the talking and the dialing

and the ringing.

It's like every, just prank, and it's, and I take all the shitty pranks out that don't

go anywhere.

Directed dialogue and no pauses.

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

Here's Clarinet Ass to Ass.

This is from last week.

I think that was one of the funny ones.

or the Planet Fitness

Lunk Alarm plus...

Oh, yes, this is good.

I was going to say the Lunk Alarm was a pretty good one.

Lunk Alarm, here we go.

Let's hear that.

Let's hear some of this.

This is Haley.

How can I help you?

Hey, did you say your name was Haley?

Yes, sir.

Hi, this is Michael.

I'm calling for...

I'm going to try to skip...

Sorry, Dwight,

but I'm just going to try to skip ahead

to where I...

Yeah, we all know how Lunk Alarms are.

Everybody...

Okay, so what do you need me to do?

We'll start out as...

It's okay, go ahead.

Approaching 11%.

I like how the percent keep going up.

It's so slow.

16%.

I am being serious.

It's corporate.

They want us to leave the Lunk Alarm on because it's not registering at corporate.

Yes, that's what they're saying.

They want us to register.

30%.

This sounds so ridiculous.

45%.

All right, Mark, this is ridiculous.

I'm sorry?

Mike, this is ridiculous, and we have to do this right now.

Well, this is the slowest time of the day, sir.

No, it's not, actually, because it's 10 o'clock for us.

Okay, but rather than doing it at 5 or noon, it's a little easier to do it right now.

And you just stopped the alarm, the percentages stopped and went back to zero.

Dwight, so it has less impact.

Yeah, so we actually just turned it on because our members were actually explaining here.

Okay, well, and again, while I had you on the phone, I was also going to do a quick customer satisfaction survey

with either a white card member or a black card member.

And if they are a white card member, we can offer them three months free of the black card membership.

for doing a quick five-minute survey.

If they are a Black Card member, we can just extend their membership three months from now.

Mike, we're not going to do that.

Okay, we're going to do this at night.

Can you call us back at that time so that way we can do it at that time?

Unfortunately, I will not be on at that time.

So can somebody else call us back at 2 a.m. our time?

When I leave here in 20 minutes, the office will be closed.

I mean, if we're having issues, if you give me just a moment,

I can transfer you to my supervisor.

Yeah, that would be great.

Give me just a moment.

I'm going to transfer you over to Mr. Cross.

This is Cross.

Is that Dwight?

How you doing?

What do you got, Dwight?

Listen, I got a Planet Fitness location here.

They had a monk alarm failure.

We reached 45%.

When they decided to go against the instructions, they shut it off,

and now they're trying to dictate what time of the day I should be calling

and what time I should not.

Are they on the line right now?

Yeah, they're on hold.

Can they hear me?

No.

They can't hear us?

No.

Okay, so what's going on then?

what's what's the they have a lung alarm failure i got an email from the it department

and they were following instructions we got to reset process up to 45 percent okay uh when then

another employee started arguing and they decided to stop the alarm and stop following instructions

well they need to turn it they need to keep it on so it resets because if not marketing doesn't get

it and the reason we do this at this time of night is because it has less impact there's less people

there at this time of night this is the i understand i tried to explain that to well

Well, they're fucking assholes, then.

What's this fucker's name?

I don't even remember his name.

All right, well, I want to talk to the motherfucker.

All right, I'll transfer minutes.

All right, go ahead.

Hello, this is Cross.

How can I help you?

Uh, yeah, is this Mr. Cross?

Yes, it is.

How can I help you?

Yeah, and what is your first name?

Eddie.

Eddie?

Yes.

And your last name is Cross?

C-R-O-S-S, yes.

C-R-O-S-S.

And, uh, oh, and just so, and Eddie, just so is on the line.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir, please don't use that language.

You were going to hear it.

If you're someone, you're working, you work for which location and you're using that kind of language in me?

No, I heard you on the other line, Eddie, on the other line.

Be guaranteed that.

Oh, my God.

I can guarantee you, Eddie, you will be, somebody is going to be talking to you about what you just said about us.

No, no, no, okay, look, I'm sorry, no, okay, look, look.

Eddie, I can tell you right now, I can tell you right now, you will be hearing from me.

We can make this go away.

In some way.

We can make this go away, please.

I'm not going to make this go away in any way.

I don't appreciate it.

Sir, honestly, sir, you were supposed to be on hold, sir.

You were supposed to be on hold.

I will never say that to you, to your face or anything.

It's just been a really hard day.

It's Sunday.

It's irrelevant.

We had a software upgrade rollout that failed yesterday, and we were working all weekend,

and that's why the Lunk alarms aren't working on some of the newer locations, I guess, including yours.

Eddie, I don't appreciate it.

I don't appreciate the language to me.

We need to close this fucking ticket, man.

We need to get this shit fucking taken care of.

I mean, I'm serious, man.

This is supposed to be my second day off in a row that I've missed now.

This is fucking bullshit.

Eddie, do you just want to keep digging yourself a hole here, man?

Come on, just level with me, man.

What do I got to do?

I'm sorry.

Shut up.

Yeah, so there you get the idea.

We'll cut that off because this is an old call.

But I love that shit, right?

Great job, man.

Dwight does good setups for those, man.

For some reason, I'll be honest, I'm not good at the whole starting off those kinds of calls.

For some reason, I'm not believable when I say I'm with the corporate office, but I'm believable when I get transferred to.

You worked it out well, man. Thanks, Dwight.

I laughed my ass off back then and again tonight, man.

Yeah, motherfuckers.

Dwight is busy tonight.

He's got a big Halloween project he's doing tonight regarding his video adventures, his video pranking adventures.

I haven't gotten a status yet on how good or well that is going, but we wish him luck.

Real quick, I almost forgot to mention here, speaking of YouTube, Calls of Mass Confusion,

That's the project that J.I.D. spearheaded along with big RBCP Bradley Carter, Dwight, and myself.

We do calls, and he's got people out in the field who are recording their reactions in the different places as these calls are happening.

So be sure to check out on YouTube, Calls of Mass Confusion on YouTube.

Episode 1 hit last night.

and everyone who's listening make sure you've subscribed to that channel and i gotta subscribe

to it i hadn't even subscribed i'm talking in the pc and youtube haven't subscribed to it yet

fixed sorry and make sure you hit the like button on that thumbs it up uh you're gonna play a part

i don't want to play the whole thing because i want you guys to go see it but here's the cool

thing i get to do pranks this is why i love this project because we get to do prank calls and we

get to and i got to see for the first time since i did the prank i got to see the reaction of the

the people as the prank had been happening yeah it's really cool this is one of those calls that

i do where i'm like hey i'm calling from the store next door you need to get your fucking

shit out of here yeah yeah the misdelivery yeah so here's a part of that real quick i've already

talked to the one lady all mean like i do talk to love it yeah yeah listen jen i'm nikki and i

know i'm not a woman please don't make that assumption again i work over here next door

Okay.

Okay, listen, we got a box of all your Halloween stuff.

Actually, we got five boxes of Halloween stuff and candy here

that was supposed to go to your guys' place again.

Oh.

Yeah, well, here's the problem.

They're in the back room.

They're going through the boxes.

They already opened up three of the boxes.

They've taken a bunch of the stuff.

You need to get this shit out of here, man.

Okay, I will send Sabrina right over.

No, send Sabrina over here right now

because I'm going to give out all your stuff out to everyone who's in the store.

I will do it.

Sir, I have to page her up to the front, and she will be over there in less than five minutes.

Page her up right now.

I want to hear you page her.

Sabrina, up front, please.

That's right.

That's how you do it.

Let me talk to Sabrina.

I need to coordinate with her where she needs to come to get the stuff.

Yep, give her one moment.

Come on, come on.

I'm working on it, sir.

Let's go, let's go.

Damn it.

Hi, this is Sabrina.

I'll be over there in two minutes.

Yeah, listen here, missy.

What do you look like?

I'll have my hair.

I've got a green shirt on and a name tag on.

Oh, nice, nice.

All right, okay.

Okay, all right, hurry up and get back here.

And you guys need to get this shit out of here

because the guy's already going through the boxes

and they took about half the stuff already.

Okay, I'll be over there in 15 minutes.

All right, hurry up.

You're talking me out, too.

You go over there, I'll enjoy it.

Let me do it.

They will be right over.

Hurry up.

Yeah, Rachel, you go over there, please.

Yep.

You can keep watching that.

You see the whole reaction is really funny.

You get to hear what they say afterwards.

words you get to see them going next door to confront me because i was so rude to go get

their boxes of shit so yeah milkman's that's uh calls of mass confusion so since you're going to

be on youtube already on your youtube computers uh what's it called calls of mass confusion wow

that's fucking hilarious dude this is man so we finally get to see one man awesome yeah jayad and

his crew they do a really good job with the video too jayad put a lot of heart and soul and blood

lot in common that so y'all really need to support that don't be fucking assholes to him

all right be nice and support don't be like i'm carl sanders this sucks this sucks stupid

fucking well hey look here's what i gotta say you know everybody out there man this does a show man

it's taking a lot of time and a lot of effort out of their own personal time to try and and make a

presentation that everybody could enjoy so all you guys are poo poo out there poo poo on you man

Just keep it to yourself, man.

It's like a fart, dude.

No one else wants to smell it, so keep it to your fucking self, dude.

Guys are out there working hard, man.

Let them be, man.

Cheer them on.

Yeah.

If you don't like it, just shut up.

If it failed, it would break his heart, and he would probably go away and never do prank calls again.

Man, I'm so proud of you, man.

Awesome, dude.

Man, big.

Man, big thumbs up, man.

All hands held high, brother.

He would disappear like ice goose did, so think about it.

Because Carlito and I have been wanting to do this for years.

We've been planning to do this for years.

This is great.

Great, you guys are pulling it off, man.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's great that we finally got, you know,

yeah, we're getting some fucking shit in this motherfucker, you know,

for lack of a better word.

Yeah, I don't know how else to say it,

because I'm fucking, I don't know how to use big words,

so I just resort to cursing.

That's all I do, you know?

Well, fucking motherfucking cursing,

fucking all the fucking time, dude, you know.

Fucking shit.

All right, so we got numbers from Parkman,

your favorite with the exception of Lonesome Loser,

who's abandoned us.

All right, that's my bro, man.

hollywood banner for sale maybe would it attract young children i can't be held liable if the

children come to me apparently that's the idea from parkman for that but this is a new orleans

home this is a new orleans has to be the the bomb ass place to go for halloween with all the voodoo

and stuff and all the drinking the prostitution the legal prostitution all right it's legal

they're absent hey baby you have a halloween banner hello oh see that's what i get for

for saying honey baby stupid that's why milkman says don't be doing that shit you stupid fucking

shit i'm ruining it what happened i said honey baby she's like oh oh yeah yeah don't gonna don't

do a spoiler man you gotta straight for at least the first like three to five minutes if you really

want to make a good call that's what happened hello hi i can't take the call at this time

but please take the answer a business will stay on a little bit longer in that case because it's

work and they're like they don't they don't want to hang up so quick on you because they

They might get in trouble.

And hopefully make a sale.

You get a pass.

You get a pass for a second there.

That's okay with them.

But for a house, you're like, fuck you, motherfucker.

This was my house, motherfucker.

You're a motherfucker.

That's what they say.

They're like, fuck you.

And it's not a mystery.

I mean, it's a real mystery for some of us, but really not that big a mystery.

Yeah.

Don't piss in the well too early, bro.

Yeah.

So I was getting some breaking news here right before the show machine started.

Apparently they had found some of the wreckage from this Russian jetliner that went down, I guess, over the Sinai Peninsula.

Yeah, dude, that's about 240.

All right.

And the early, I mean, Drudge had the report that ISIS had claimed responsibility, but how high was it flying?

And what's their ability to shoot down a high flight?

No, so far, here's what I heard.

I heard directly from Russian TV.

I was watching it last night, right?

It was breaking news, man.

And I was, like, up all night working, and then I caught it breaking news.

But it was up.

It said it reached full cruising altitude of 31,000 feet.

It acknowledged it reached altitude, and as soon as it reached altitude, it started falling fast, like 30 meters a second or something.

Like, it went into a real quick dive.

And then within, like, less than 20 minutes after takeoff, it already went down and dropped off a radar.

And it's in an area they can't get to easily.

Well, they had found the wreckage.

240 dead.

dead just before the show started yet they had found some wreckage at the bottom of the ocean

there what they're saying though is that that actually is probably a maintenance because the

car plane had already been held up on maintenance once and if this is wasn't fixed but they said oh

but it would have been fixed or they wouldn't have flown it but if it comes out it wasn't fixed

it could be a maintenance problem okay would it be okay would it be okay for like the united states

to go out there and block off the area

and say, we need to conduct our own investigation

in this area, like they did with

the Ukrainian one. Like, say, no,

we're going to take over. We're closing off

the airspace here. You can't come here.

China is the one that's been playing that game. Have you been

listening to China? Like, the latest China deal

with our destroyer crews through their

12-mile

artificial reef?

Fuck the fiery cross reef

and what they think they're trying to get away with

down there. They're like,

we're going to dredge up a bunch of sand

And out, like, super far away from our coast, that just happens to be in a strategic location by the islands of Japan, right?

Or is it by the fill of Japan, right?

They're going to do that.

It's in the Sea of China.

It's in a debated area.

They basically took a reef, and they added all this, like, shit onto it.

Now they're saying it's an island, and now you've got to treat this as part of our country because we built a reef and it's sticking up out of the water.

Now it's our island.

No, well, that's bullshit.

Yeah, well, it shouldn't be recognized, motherfucker,

and they're just doing it because we have our base in Japan.

We have an aircraft carrier group based out of Japan, Milkman,

and that's why they're doing it.

Neither, dude. I've been on the Stroller.

The Stroller's fucking boogie.

That's why they're destroyers, man.

Now, the battleships are the big monsters, man,

and then the carriers are just giant, like, military bases.

All right, first of all, Milkman, there are no battleships.

There haven't been battleships for decades now.

But I said I've been on both of them, man.

I'm telling you, the Destroyer is a light boogie machine that just destroys shit.

Yeah?

Did you drive it like a taxi man?

Were you like...

No, my uncle was like a lifer, man.

He was a CO, man.

So you were in a Tiger Cruise?

I got to go on submarines.

On the Tiger Cruise?

Huh?

On the Tiger Cruise?

Is that what you did on the Tiger Cruise you got to go?

The Tiger Cruise.

No, we...

The Tiger Cruise is when the family is allowed to come with the fucking sailor for the last week that they're going home.

You remember on Gilligan's Island, they had that little mini-sub?

That's when my uncle, he took me down in one of those.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Did he touch you?

No, hell no.

He was a sailor.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah.

What am I talking about?

A sailor.

Excuse me.

other than every single

army man

will tell you

what they think about that

but okay

I wonder sometimes man

like was you molested

when you were young

because that's usually

the question

that comes out of your mouth

I love you

but man

I worry about you man

that's offensive

I'm offended

that you would ask that

I don't know why

I just worry about you

but anyway

this is going to be

a great hit of Monster Kush

in purple

Medusa's Halloween hit

with some white

glitter white

you're going to die

I think I heard that

oops

quiet with the drugs

This is not a drug show.

This isn't a drug den.

You've reached the voicemail of 5-0.

Of your mama, bitch.

Did you ever get that blue thing that I was telling you about?

Yeah, hi, you have Halloween inflatable?

Yes, I do.

Oh, good, because Halloween's tomorrow.

I wanted to have a nice decoration for when the Kims come over.

Are you still selling it?

The problem is I already sold it to someone,

and they're supposed to pick it up this week.

Fuck.

Now, if they don't show up, then I could call you up and sell it to you.

Well, fuck, yeah.

Who are you selling it to so I can talk to them?

Listen, asshole, don't call me anymore.

Hey, you don't talk to me like that.

Ooh, no.

Milkman, no.

Asshole.

Look here, asshole, you don't talk to me like that.

He's going to put you down.

Asshole.

You have no part of that, man.

You should have said trick or treat.

Hi.

hi i'm milkman's mother hi hi milkman seven seven seven hi so what i was trying to tell you

motherfucker was you should eat a whole chicken today because it's it's like having a big meal

but it's healthy for you because you're pre-diabetic you know that'd be the best thing

you could do eat a chicken a whole chicken you go down to the what what what are the grocery

What grocery stores do you have there? Safeway? What do you got?

Safeway, Lucky's,

Walmart,

99 cent store.

I'm not talking about a grocery store.

You fool.

Don't be a fool.

I'm talking about a grocery store, not the 99 cent store.

Dude, I'm telling you.

You haven't seen our 99 cent.

They sell full-on groceries, dude, for 99 cents on that bullshit.

Do they have whole baked fucking chicken?

The whole fucking chicken.

The whole fucking...

Not chicken.

Yeah, well, I'm talking like that.

So we need to get you to Safeway, and we're going to have you eat a whole chicken.

Bring it home, eat it.

I got the luckiest chicken in the whole one.

They're pretty good.

Yeah, let's do that.

They got organic one.

All right, go ahead and do that.

All right, I'll see you later.

All right, man.

No, I'm kidding.

Female Robin Hood costume.

A redneck answered at this number that we're about to call.

A redneck.

They speak milkman language.

Woo-hoo.

I can't hear a hell of a bugger when we talk like that.

Did you call mom and say, hey, thanks for pushing me out of your vagina, your vulva?

I did. I called my mom. It's my gratitude to her.

Her cervix and her vulva.

I told her how much I love her, too.

Talked about her afterbirth and how they shaved her pubic hair.

Don't talk too bad about her because she's your mom, too, bitch.

I told you that long ago, brother.

She's your mom, too, so don't be too mean to her. I'll slap you around.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

them they shaved they shaved the woman's pubic hair when the baby's you still got family so i

don't even think anything different you hear me i don't want to disrespect look mom all right all

right just keep that in mind bro she's your mom too so don't be too mean to her no your mom's

awesome i would never well i you know i tell you that because you're my brother man your mom your

mom always asks about me and matt's mom always asks about me my mom asks about you all the time

probably about once a week or maybe once every other week hi this is elizabeth i can't get to

the phone right this minute so if you could leave you elizabeth yeah hi i don't need any trouble i'm

calling about your alice in wonderland costume that's my wife um give me one second can't wait

to talk to her what's that i can't wait to talk to her about it hey what was your name sir yeah

what was your name oh what was your name i'm sorry uh slate oh hey slate slate

slate hi hey i'm slate's friend i'm alex how are you hi hey hey good uh listen um i'm just getting

out this halloween party and he was thinking that maybe we could try uh you know to have like a

bisexual kind of thing happen between the three of us i know you've never met me before but we

know each other from work what's wrong yeah i was calling about the alice in wonderland costume

doom um if is that is that the mad hatter or the caterpillar or who is it exactly i have no

interest in speaking to you man yeah fucking asshole come on wow interesting

you don't want to spoil it earlier though man

i know i think it was the sun that's why i was thinking that's how you got through anyway it

was the sun oh shit that was fun that might be a keeper that might be we'll see how i feel about

it when i edit things um a spanish guy picked up spanish it must be from spain uh a tutu costume

tut is it just a tutu the dancing machine we'll find out we'll find out next on madhouse radio

big perth in the chat room wilson milkman happy birthday who was that big perth hey man

thank you man yeah you rock brother milkman why are you in the irc chat room are you on the road

or what's going on?

It's your birthday.

You're not working today,

are you?

No.

I have no connectivity.

Please leave your message for...

I'm under my band cap now.

I'm calling you, man.

I tried to connect earlier, dude,

but it would be like...

It's like...

It was like barely even

connecting to the internet.

Couldn't even get on my Facebook

and I got pissed

and I didn't even...

Facebook.

It was taking like 15 minutes

to load the page out.

Facebook.

So September 10th.

I wish they had like a

scaled down version

where you don't have to see

all the garbage.

It would just load up

and take almost one

want to look at you should use a wap browser well i tried it on the mobile because i was like

i'm at home here because i'd like to put a setup i don't think i was going to the chat but as soon

as it wouldn't connect i just realized that's gonna be a real big problem and i don't want to

do that in the middle of the show i can't believe i used to surf the internet on a wap browser as i

took shits on my tiny little old cell phone you said what was that java environment what was that

call j something too please leave your message for what was it jme i think right i think it was

yeah those java apps yeah man that was cool because before there was an iphone i had a

microsoft i had a windows like windows windows phone version 6 i think or maybe a version 5

uh axpa saying it was j2me milkman j2me okay uh but i did i used to be able to do i used to be

be able to play super nintendo games and an emulator on my my phone before an iphone i used

to do shit like i had an ftp i used to like download like the shows and stuff after i did

them via ftp a server i had set up at my house and uh i would download my phone let me download

off your server yeah man yes i i yeah so people like they always say oh the iphone revolution

has just i mean it brought it more to the mainstream but the shit kind of existed not

What it did was it put the touch space interface on there, man.

Yeah, that's true. It did, sir.

And that really simplified and dumbed down a lot of the applications, right?

Because you can't have, like, instant menu.

Yeah, man, I got my iPad Air 2.

I had stepped on my last one, my iPad Air 2.

It sucked. It ruined it.

I had my boot on still.

It was after my last ankle surgery.

I had the boot on, and I didn't feel it.

I didn't even know

I was just waking up

I had fallen

I was listening to an audio book

and I fell asleep with it

fell on the ground

went to get up

boot landed on it

and I heard the crack

I didn't feel it

I had to fucking

oh hell

yeah

don't they make an

Otterbox for it

well yeah

it says

I got an email

that it's getting

delivered tomorrow

I didn't think

Amazon delivered tomorrow

but it said

the shipment tomorrow

I'm like okay

I didn't think

we had Sunday

that must be

an overnight shipment

please leave your message

Well, I didn't even ask for extra or nothing.

I just, yeah, I don't know.

I don't think, I think I'll get it Monday.

But it's going to be here, yeah.

I got an OtterBox case for that motherfucker.

Fuck yeah, man.

I'm not going to go through that again.

All right, have a good move.

I'm not going to go through that again, dude.

No way.

It cost me $170 to replace it on insurance.

So I had basically a $170 deductible.

And I had to do it because I did it through T-Mobile.

That's why it was so high.

I didn't get AppleCare.

I did it through T-Mobile.

My plan being I have a jump plan where I can trade in this device, this tablet, after paying 50% of it and get a new one.

And all I have to do is pay taxes.

I don't have to pay the whole thing off, et cetera, et cetera.

So it's kind of like an ongoing – it's kind of like financing it.

So basically I got it on a two-year finance with zero interest and no credit check.

no credit check your credit there's no interest and i got an ipad with five gigs data uh it's a

64 gig rather five gigs of monthly uh cellular data lte data um and i paid the same i would pay

at the apple store but i don't have to pay all up front um and when the next one comes out if i

decide i want that one i can just swap them out evenly and just pay for the taxes which is what

6-7% maybe, depending on where I buy it

here, or wherever I do it

rather

and I don't have this other device

just lingering around

or I'm trying to sell it on Gazelle

or on eBay or something like that

it makes it a lot easier

so basically if you pay like 4 times the normal

deductible, they're allowing you to do

all that jumping and switching

yeah, well yeah, basically

4 times the normal deductible right there

$180

yeah, because an AppleCare would be free

you know but i don't know about after i'm just talking about like mobile care i know oh no no

no no they all do they all have deductibles now like all insurance you have to pay at least 100

dollars mine was 35 yeah but you probably had a low-end phone though i can't imagine it's set

because no no no no i had that thing for a long time dude that was a big deal on my account

oh i don't know i don't know milkman's that's why i was saying if you're agreeing to pay four

Four times that, you're allowed to jump.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

Four times that?

Yeah.

Almost 180 bucks, you said.

I don't know.

You're doing fuzzy marketing, fuzzy math.

45 and 45 is 90.

And times two is 180 bucks.

So that's our time, 45.

Yeah.

Plus.

Yeah, yeah.

Just quick math.

I lost it.

It's not perfect.

I lost it.

We have Baby Gate in Alexandria.

A Baby Gate.

This is supposed to follow a Walking Dead theme since it's Alexandria.

A baby gate?

Baby gate, yeah.

The gate for the baby.

Yeah, the mom's dog can open one.

Hello?

Yeah, you got a baby gate?

I do.

Okay, my husband's mom's dog keeps opening ours, so we need a new one.

Okay.

Yeah, we have sex.

We're two men.

We kiss and have sex.

Is that a problem?

Say again now?

Yeah, hi, we were calling about the baby gate.

Yeah?

Yeah.

People have sex?

no myself and my lover you keep staring at us like that just because we're two men oh god why

are you looking at me like that well you've never seen this before all right okay weird

hello yeah hi i'm sorry we got off to bad foot all right so baby gay obviously we did is it a

gerber brand i don't know what brand it is i'll tell you what uh why don't we call tomorrow is

it simulac right we can discuss it then yeah okay thank you very much bye bye i need it now

Now I'm a motherfucker.

All right.

Next, women's clothing in Alexandria.

Women's clothing.

I'm so fat, but we obviously...

That was a good one.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You have women's clothing?

Yeah.

Okay.

What's wrong?

Did you get fat?

What did you say?

Did you get fat?

Or did you just...

It's 11.40 at night.

I mean, you're actually calling about one of my ads at 11.40 at night.

You didn't put

a time restriction on here.

You didn't put

a call off time.

Who are you?

You're a real asshole.

You don't talk to me like that,

bitch.

You're a real weirdo.

Don't ever call here again.

You have a big clit.

Don't ever call here again.

A big clit looks like a dick.

Your clit looks like

a little dick.

Don't ever call here again.

How bad is she, man?

One more time

and I'm going to call the cops.

You said call back.

One more time

and I'm calling the cops.

You said call back.

One more time.

Didn't we have a lady

last week say that shit

this shit to me?

The same exact sounding kind of lady.

Wait a minute. That sounds like the

fucking

the clarinet ass-to-ass lady.

I asked her if she ever

double-dildoed ass-to-ass

with the fucking clarinet.

Yeah, I remember that. That didn't last very long, right?

That's a deja vu stage. She straight up

did that. Wow.

Just change the number on there and use the same people.

That's a different town, dude.

Hello? Hello? I'm sorry. That was

an accident. I didn't mean to call that time.

hello hello please hello dad have i talked to you before because you sound really familiar

it's kind of freaking me out because you said the same stuff that another bitchy woman said to me

uh like last week so i don't know if you believe in deja vu or anything hello because there's

several people that heard that they think the same thing please all right we'll keep you on honey

baby fucking baby gates right yeah man dude my mom's dog is so smart he figured out how to open

with his nose really son of a bitch what kind of dog is that is it a weimaraner no he's a

beach dog dude oh those are stupid dogs how does he even know that you're wrong man this dog is

the fucking smartest it's a stupid motherfucker no no no no no he remembers names of people

knows where they live at like eight years later no no no there are no small they're no smart

Smart Small Dogs.

Hi, are you having a moving sale?

I'm sorry?

Did your moving sale complete already?

A moving sale?

Did you just not put down?

I'm sorry?

Did you have your moving sale this weekend already?

What are you referring to?

What ad?

You put an ad about a moving sale.

Hey, woman, stop talking over there that I'm calling someone else.

Moving sale, you said $1 moving sale.

You had two brown candle holders.

Brown candle holders?

Yeah.

You mean the wall?

You said two brown candle holder, $20 for both, it says right here.

I mean, that's what it says.

Yeah, we have some brown wall candle holders.

Okay, all right.

Are they wooden?

No.

No?

Oh, shit, motherfucker.

Right?

No.

What about that DVD player?

No, that makes sense now.

That's gone.

Did you get that on wall?

Oh, it's gone?

Shoot.

Do you have any other electronic machines?

No.

No, you just have decorations now?

What about that bike?

That's gone.

That's gone too?

Fucking shit.

God damn it, man.

That fucking sucks.

God damn it.

So what are you doing tonight?

There we go.

All right, now everyone hangs up.

Yep, there they go.

Milkman, are you still there?

Did I lose you too?

No, I muted it, man.

I didn't want to make any noise.

There's some going off like bad hell over here.

That last call sucked.

let's do the next one

it was okay man

but that woman there

actually we could have

had fun with her

she was kind of

like a Mary Menzies

you remember her

her you think

didn't you hear her voice

she sounded like

she was kind of like

a little bit like

disjointed a little bit

no she sounded like

she was on point dude

she sounded like

she was starting to

get ready to say

some curse words to me

yeah

and she hung up

Mary Menzies would

never hang up on me

milkman so

that's true

anyway

you're way off base

with that

she's still around

god bless her man

I'm gonna have to

take some mic time

away from you now

no we didn't

let's continue on

with more calls

moving sales

out of here

cow costume

what kind of

coffee

cow

like a milkman

cow

you know

moo cow

cow coffee

cow costume

coño

oh cow

costume

I thought you

said coffee

you got fucking

chocha water

on your head

tonight man

sorry that's rude

you got me off

to a good start

there man

that first lady

was pretty nice

Hello? Hi, you have a

cow costume? Uh, yes

I do. Uh, let me find

why, do you need it right now, or

tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, well, no, because

I see that it has, like, those teats on it, you know?

The, you mean the, uh,

the udders? The teats, the teats.

They look like two penises next to each

other? Yeah, like the, uh, the part

where you're supposed to get the milk from? Oh, is

that what that's for? Yeah. Oh,

I thought those were penises. I mean,

it's, it's pretty much the cow's,

you know penis the cow's penis right yeah so you just it just shows the penis off like that wow

okay yeah i guess that's okay um do you need it uh tonight yeah i do yeah can i give you a call

back in like three minutes let me just uh are you wearing it now are you wearing it now no no no um

this is actually in like my closet oh did you fart in it yeah did you were farting in it and

and smell it because it goes over your head if you fart in there will you can you smell it for a

while because it's it's like farting in the under it's like farting under the blankets and covering

yourself no i actually got something else but this is basically um i like i like to do that

yeah and i also like to fart in my hand and smell it yeah yeah good to know yeah um yeah give me two

All right, does the costume have four stomachs?

Have what?

Four stomachs?

What do you mean, four stomachs?

It's a cow costume.

Does it have four stomachs?

It has only one stomach, man.

Oh.

That's not very...

I don't know if I want this.

It should have a four stomach system.

What?

It should have, like, a four stomach system.

I have no idea why it would have a four stomach system.

Because it's a fucking cow, you fucking idiot.

And it should also have a complete meat section.

Oh.

You fool.

Move men of Milkman's bowels.

They're loose.

FYI.

It's not like a constipated cow.

But I'm better now.

Yo.

Yeah, hi.

If you have a bowel movement inside the costume, how do you clean it?

How about you go fuck yourself?

Come on, man.

Just help me out.

Give me some information.

I have a costume just like this one, all right?

Then why are you calling me for?

because milkman is constipated and he thought it'd be a good idea to go inside of it because

he could keep trying to shit trying to shit trying to shit while we're in the club and i

got a stain on his yeah is that one stained if it's stained too then then you just have a matching

set yeah well let's see what we're trying to get him he's supposed to be in the fucking like

costume contest you know tonight and he ended up shitting himself you know i see it was a bad plan

I don't know what he was thinking.

He thought being constipated, he would just take X-Lax,

and he didn't have time, so he said if he was wearing the costume,

he could take a shit, and it would be self-contained,

and it really would smell, but I guess his bowels were loose,

and he was feverish, and it actually left, like, stains,

like actual stains, almost like oil stains.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, I mean, if you don't really have any kind of suggestions

on how we can clean that, we're definitely going to need that tonight.

Definitely going to need that.

Okay.

Because he needs to be in this pageant.

He needs to.

He does.

He doesn't have any other way to, you know, fucking justify all the...

He took time off of work and everything tonight.

Well, I'm trying to find a costume for you right now, so...

Well, keep wearing it.

I'll hold...

Give me like a minute or two.

I'll hold.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'll be right here.

All right.

Hold on a sec.

All right.

We'll get an M&M green girl.

We'll put you in that look, man.

You want to be the M&M green girl?

All right.

I found the costume for you.

All right.

Good.

Hey, can you check the rear area, like where the, you know, like the anus would be?

This thing is very clean, man.

How many times did you wear it?

There's stain.

Huh?

How many times did you wear it?

What?

How many times did you wear it?

Once.

And you don't have any piss stains in it?

Definitely not what you guys have at the moment on your costumes.

Good.

Do you have any sweat?

Like, did you sweat in it a lot?

No.

No?

Shit.

What size is it?

It's one size.

Which one?

I don't know.

It's one size fits all apparently.

Oh, one of those.

Okay.

Okay, okay, alright. Milkman, do you have anything for him? I'm drawing a blank here.

There better not be any stains in it.

He doesn't want any stains.

Okay.

In the picture, there's like these big black stains all over it.

Well, you guys can take a look at it yourself. I mean, if you guys want it, and if you guys don't want it, then, you know.

Where can we go?

Would you be willing to Scotchgard it for us?

Yeah, would you be willing to go to Walmart and meet us there and show it to us?

No.

So where can I see it then?

You come to where I am.

All right, so where are you are?

Kenmore.

Fenway, Kenmore.

Oh, I'm just supposed to go and knock on a random door there and say, hey, I'm here.

This is a university building.

Okay.

I mean, if you guys are interested, let me know.

If you guys are not, then, you know, there's no point in...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do you go to the University of Cambridge?

All right, have a good night.

Go fuck yourself, all right?

The University of Cambridge?

You're a fucking smart little motherfucker.

It's in Boston.

does he go to cambridge i think that fucker goes to cambridge no wonder he's all like

sounds like a fucking douchey kennedy kind of fucking rich boy stop calling listen do you go

to cambridge do you really go to cambridge i do not go to cambridge where do you go where do you

go the stupid are you afraid to you go to stupid people school you probably go to those white

communities no no i go to m i go to mit moron where do you go yeah you sound like a fucking

there that's what you do you go to community college yeah you wish i was yeah my dorm you

mean your fucking rat ass apartment that you share right yeah at least hey at least i didn't

uh shit in my costume like that wasn't me idiot that was this guy here he's the frat president

oh but you got a problem with that you're associated with him yeah so he's my fraternity

brother what are you gonna do about it he sounds like he's one of those furries which fraternity

Moo, moo, moo.

Dude, you sound like one of those furries, man.

We got some indoctrinations for little punks like you.

Yeah.

I said moo, moo, moo.

You know moo, moo?

Yeah, that's it.

That's all you're a punk.

That's it, Neon.

We're trial lambs.

Have they rebooted that fucking franchise yet, Revenge of the Nerds?

Is that going to happen?

He's a furry.

Milkman, do you like the Revenge of the Nerds movies?

You know the ones?

Remember the guy that burps a lot?

He's funny.

What was his name?

Oh, Booger.

Booger, yes, Booger.

Booger's hilarious.

Yeah, I've seen him on other stuff, too,

but every time I see him, it's still hard not to remember him.

But still fucking hilarious.

Yeah, all right.

Let's see.

We've got a women's Halloween costume now.

Women's.

Females.

Your

call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Bob.

Is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

Hello.

Hey, I saw you have an ad here for a women's Halloween costume.

Yes.

All right.

Can I talk about it?

Yeah, well, it's still, you know, party time.

time party time all the time is this yours come on it's kind of late this is boston come on man

you gotta be fucking boston's a city that doesn't sleep oh shit you know what we gotta change what

we gotta change the clocks tonight we gotta do pranks about that how come nunu hasn't reminded

me of that yet he usually has me hello what yeah hey listen i just need to let you know you need

to change your clocks tonight okay yeah you gotta change your clocks tonight milkman you gotta

got to fall behind you got to go back one hour machine so you get one extra hour added party

time no you take away an hour no you go back yeah you go back one hour so you lose an hour

well then you get two hours of party time oh if you go you go back you lose an hour

you're back you get two hours then i know i know i'm just messing around yeah anyway

usually has me call wank uk wankers tonight and say hey don't forget change times like

like no you don't see the times and he laughs and he laughs and he pinches his little nipples you

know is that is that old part is he still alive yeah he's in the chat room he's refused to

recognize that it's your birthday he like he doesn't want anyone to tell him about it does

he even speak or is he just like sitting there like idling like like you like into the war

oh he's really talkative in the voice chat that's i'm telling you oh okay okay there's a new voice

all right well i mean i'd come over and bust these balls if i could man i bet you would bust

You have an M&M green girl costume?

I don't need one.

You don't need one?

What?

I don't have it anymore.

It's gone now.

It just happened today.

Oh, did you dress up like the girl in it?

No, no, no.

It's not a costume.

It's an M&M.

Oh, it's like the M&M.

Oh, it's just that.

It's a dispenser.

Oh, because I wanted to smell the crotch, you know?

Lick it and kiss it.

Did you have it?

Whoops, I thought it was a costume.

it was like a little fucking stand toy a hundred dollars this guy wanted for it a rare green eminem

girl new took out of the box for pictures great for parties or halloween a hundred dollars how

was the emma green eminem girl good for halloween wait a minute i should read these ads before i

call because now i want to argue about how it's so good for halloween the girl's costume is like

Like the green M&M's, you know.

You know the story, right?

Yes.

You've heard it before, yeah.

The bands, the bands.

Hello?

Why?

Sir?

Listen, why did you say that this is great for parties or Halloween?

What do you mean Halloween?

This isn't a Halloween thing.

Stupid.

Yeah, hang up because I got you.

Got him, bitch.

Why did he get a girls thing anyway?

I question that.

Milkman, are you there?

You're quiet.

Ah.

There you go.

Halloween.

we now have we have paranormal investigation societies in utah starting with the ghost

talker machines all right out on ghost on ghost horse machine ranch road that's in the

zoo reservation bro yeah hi ghost talkers yeah this is ghost talk yeah i'm hearing voices in

my house okay um they tell me to do things uh where are you located uh horse machine ranch

Ranch Road.

In what state?

In Utah.

Okay, I've never heard of that road.

What county are you in?

I don't know.

I'm new here.

I moved from Connecticut.

I sued somebody and I won all their money.

Right.

Okay.

And I got a ranch out here.

Okay.

Yeah.

We're really not active right now.

Bullshit.

And the story goes that the person said that you were going to say this to me,

that I had to convince you.

Well, we don't have a group right now.

Well, the voice said you would say that.

Okay, bye.

The voice said you would hang up.

Yep, the voice is right.

Yeah, well, you're a fucker.

Okay.

The voice.

NBC's The Voice premieres this week.

Season premiere.

Hey, this is Brandy.

Leave me a message and I'll call you back.

Bye.

Hey, this is Brandy.

I'm busy stealing people's money.

Remember, you're helpful.

All right, Mysteries and Legends.

legends i think these are more ghosty tory thing let's see this is a tour what it's loading about

mysteries and legends paranormal hello all who are interested in need of help or just plain

curious exclamation point here at m&l paranormals we are dedicated in seeking out the unexplained

and mysterious things that go bump in the night though it really doesn't have to be at night we

We want to help you learn and understand that sometimes unexplained occurrences, that's

a sentence, as we perform our investigations, we will first look for sources that can explain

what we discover, whether it be sights, sounds, or feelings.

Well, I got smells.

Okay, mysteries and legends it is.

Let me change that caller ID to something local.

Come on, you should have gotten some shrooms, man.

Done some shrooms milk, man.

That would have been a real good idea for you tonight.

night i've gotten some blow you know some crack paranormal encounters and research group let's try

it they're all utah founded by everybody's all far out in utah what is that please leave your

message for the cat was him trying again please leave your message for eight zero okay it's feeling

like a break time in the next 10 minutes or so it's getting wanky uh the stanley hotel where

where they filmed the movie The Shining.

It has a 24-hour line.

Okay, good.

My ears itch.

Fucking earphones.

You're a retired teacher.

Here's an idea from Parkman.

It's to say I'm a retired teacher

coming to the hotel with my wife and kid

to write my book.

I get it.

Just like the movie machine.

I've never heard about that.

The Shining.

I'm just going to say I want to go

and masturbate to The Shining.

Thank you for calling the Historic Stanley Hotel.

My name's Edward.

How may I help you?

Yes.

Is it true that you will offer the extra room

where the movie was filmed for an extra fee?

2017.

It was not filmed at the Stanley.

It's a common misconception.

It's actually Stephen King's date in 2017

when he was inspired to write the novel The Shining,

which was loosely based off of the movie.

Well, that's what I want.

And being that it's Halloween,

I want to get the dark energy powers from that room, hopefully.

I want to probably masturbate.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you could probably do that up there.

Unfortunately, our system's down,

and you're going to have to talk to one of our reservationists.

Okay, all right.

I'd recommend giving them a call tomorrow.

Oh, well, when does the system come back up?

Tomorrow.

Oh, I can hold.

It's all the dark forces.

I can hold.

Until tomorrow?

Yeah, I'll hold.

Okay.

Instead.

Find out more at www.stanleyhotel.com.

Denver, Colorado.

Okay, so there's a Channel 9 news near the hotel.

He wants me to...

See, I don't know the movie The Shining.

Are we still on hold?

Yeah, we're going to be on hold until tomorrow, man.

Oh, that's nice, man.

They are cool.

So we're supposed to explain what happened in The Shining,

but I never saw the movie.

I just saw the Jack, right?

And he's like, hey, here comes Johnny.

And he broke the...

He had the axe, right?

He went a little crazy.

bar featuring 570 a retired teacher in colorado during the summer hang on let me quickly pull up

the plot i was like wait a minute night news this is janet you were like what i'm sorry what

happened you said something before that you were breaking up really badly i can't understand yeah

hi hi honey i have a new story i wanted to call in it's happening at the hotel really close next

You're going to have to call us back because you're breaking up badly,

and I can't understand a word you're saying.

You're all jumbled.

Okay.

9-0, this is Janet.

Can you hear me now?

I can hear you now.

All right.

Okay, yeah, so I have a news story.

You know the Stanley that's right down the way here, Stanley Hotel?

Up in Estes Park?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so this is a guy.

He arrived here, and he's got some problems, I guess,

I guess because he was telling me that the hotel is built on the side of a Native American burial ground.

Uh-huh.

And that it gets really snowed in during the winter, and they close it from October to May, but it isn't closed right now.

Usually, and he's here.

He's a retired teacher, and he came with his family, and they were giving him a tour.

Uh-huh.

And he surprised the one guy by offering him telepathically ice cream.

And the son got real scared about it.

And he and his grandmother were sharing a telepathic ability that they were called a Shining, I guess.

You need to turn that radio down, please.

Because I'm talking.

I have a floor right now.

I have scanners in the background that I need to listen to.

I'm listening to you.

what is this like a 19 like a 1980s satellite room back in like freaking some old television

station you actually watch the scanners that's all electronic now no i listen to police scanner

that's pretty sad anyway so dick explained that he and his grandmother were sharing a telepathic

ability uh-huh all right like i said and then danny asked if there was anything to be afraid of

in the hotel and he asked about room 237 and this other person halloran they told danny that the

hotel has a shine to it along with many memories not all of which are good and he also told danny

to stay out of room 237 okay all right so right now a month just passed and this guy jack has been

staying here the retired teacher and he's can't he hasn't been able to write anything and danny

and wendy having explored like the hedge maze out front of the hotel and wendy became concerned that

the phone lines were out because there was like some kind of weather problem and danny started

having these really frightening visions and jack was getting increasingly frustrated and he started

acting strange and became prone to violent outbursts okay okay and then danny the boy he

he had this curiosity about room 237 and he went to see the room and the door opened on its own

and then wendy found out that jack was asleep at the typewriter and he was screaming in his sleep

and she woke him up and she dreamed that he had killed her and danny and then danny arrived with

a bruise on his neck and all traumatized causing wendy to accuse jack of abusing him and jack would

would never do that um so he wandered off into the gold the hotel has his gold room and there's

this bartender there he's really weird his name is lloyd and he was serving him bourbon uh bourbon

while jack was complaining about his marriage he's really not happy with wendy because wendy's

always blaming him for hitting the you know hitting the kid when he's not hitting it are you

listening are you getting this i'm listening i'm not sure what your point is well this is all i

Well, I mean, there's something just happened, and I'm getting to it,

but I have to explain this to frame it.

All right, so Wendy, the wife, told Jack that Danny, the kid,

had told her, I guess, that there was a crazy woman in one of the dreams

that tried to strangle him, all right?

Uh-huh.

So she was all like, I'm sorry, I blamed you, you know?

And Jack, you know, started investigating room 237

because all these people said, don't go to room 237.

it's like what's this room 3037 thing so he saw he's saying that he saw a ghost of a dead woman

in there um but he told me privately that he didn't want to tell his wife he was afraid to

tell his wife and to make her worried you know so he didn't tell her about that okay and then

they started getting into an argument over you know they should take danny away from

from leave you know leave the hotel get him out of here because it's not you know and jack got

really mad and he went back to that gold room and you know the one that that had all the ghosts he

said uh-huh and it had they looked like they were at a ball they were dancing and like a halloween

ball and then he met the ghost of this guy named grady and he told me jack told me that grady told

told him that he he has to correct his wife and child and that the kid reached out to uh him using

his talent i guess and you know the guy he then he said that the guy in florida had a premonition

that something is wrong at the hotel and he's on his way back to colorado now he got into a flight

back to colorado and then danny started calling out red rum a lot and he went into this trance

like red rum like that and he was calling himself tony which doesn't make any sense

okay i'm a little bit confused about what your point is well the kid's saying red rum red rum

and that he's tony and then um wendy the wife you know wendy the wife okay i don't i'm at work

trying to listen to your entire story,

do you have a point or not?

Yeah, well, she went to JAG.

She went looking for...

This is amazing.

She went looking for JAG

and she found that he's been...

I have to go.

I don't have time for you

to tell me about all these people

in this haunted hotel, okay?

That's true.

Please, you gotta believe me.

Please.

No, sir, have a good night.

Please, I've almost got to the point.

Oh, boy.

What's that line he says in there

and he comes in with the accent,

I'm home, or some shit like that.

He says, here's Johnny.

Even I know that.

Oh, here's Johnny, okay.

See, it's hard to get...

I saw it when it originally showed, okay?

It's a movie theater.

That's how long ago since I've seen it.

So, I'm sorry I don't remember the lines.

Did you...

I was going to quote and say to you,

a compliment.

Hello?

I'll let you remember this.

Hello?

Nine News?

Yeah, was I talking to you about Jack?

No, that must have been somebody else.

Alright, so, I was explaining that

there's this retired teacher

teacher who's staying in room 237 here at this hotel and her son is saying that she he saw a

crazy woman in one of the rooms and then he started calling out like red rum red rum and

he calls himself tony but his name is danny and his wife is really freaked out about it okay yeah

and then um the wife went looking for jack he's the teacher the husband you know the dad and he's

He's been trying to write a book, and she found that he's just been typing over and over again.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, I guess she keeps saying.

And they were fighting, they were throwing their papers around.

And then she was saying, Jack, to leave, to leave with Danny, leave with the song.

And then he threatened her.

And then she knocked him unconscious with a baseball bat.

And then drug him into the kitchen and locked him in the pantry.

tree but apparently she is now trapped at the hotel here with danny and the teacher jack he

has already sabotaged the hotel two-way radio and snowcat i don't even know what that is and then he

later on i guess he also uh talked through the panty door the pantry panty door that's something

else with grady and he unlocked the door for him this guy grady he's a black guy named grady who's

here hello yeah hello yeah so i was what's the matter with you why are you acting like that

i'm sorry why are you acting like that what do you mean well i'm trying to give you this

information i got this crazy news story that's going on you don't seem very nice

yeah no i i appreciate the uh the new steps all right so um this guy he borrowed the like the

snowcat thing to reach the hotel it's like a snowmobile and jack he left the room and he

ambushed him with an axe and he started chasing danny the kid into the hedge maze and then the

wife wendy she was running through the hotel looking for the kid and she saw all the ghosts

that you know the kid and jack were talking about and then she found the man's body in the lobby

and danny he the kid laid a false trail to mislead the dad uh you know with false footprints and then

And the wife and the kid just escaped in the snowmobile.

And Jack, the father, he's lost in the maze and he's, like, freezing to death.

Okay, well, thank you for the call.

They have an ambulance machine here and they're, um, he's freezing to death.

Silly, huh, Milkman? Silly. I'm a silly guy.

Dude, I love it, man.

Wait and see what happens.

I feel like I'm literally watching the movie again.

I haven't seen it since the show.

What year was that?

It was 70-something.

1980.

Was it?

Okay.

Based on a 1977 novel by Stephen King.

Okay.

It was a long time ago for me, dude.

Yeah.

It's called The Shinning.

Yeah.

Check that out.

I forgot all those details.

See, I never knew loads of details.

I mean, you've got to imagine.

I've been in the movie theater a long time ago.

You're telling the story, and I'll actually get into it.

I'm like, oh, that's right.

Actually, yeah, I remember that.

So I've never seen the movie.

I've never seen the movie.

I know about that big beginning sequence, the long shot with the kid on the tricycle thing.

And I know the here, here's Johnny thing.

And I saw the Simpsons parody of it years ago on their Halloween special.

One of their Halloween specials.

But that's all I know about it, okay?

Now, we have a nightmare haunted house.

This is in the same area.

and our suggestion is to ask if we can go through our go through there in very minimal clothing

a haunted house and i'm gonna go through minimal clothing okay my haunted house

wild west sodas and mad myrtle's ice cream kind of business plans there sir

very nice way him to say hi ripley's haunted and is this ripley's believe it or not or is this

it looks like this is ripley's.com they have a haunted house at ripley's in tennessee i had no

No idea.

They got one at, I think it was at Niagara Falls, too.

I believe it or not, but you walk through and it's got...

Look, but I came up going to Halloween Horror Nights in Universal Studios, Florida,

which is the fucking, like, the craziest fucking best haunted houses.

They're usually rated pretty high up there on a national scale for haunted houses.

I think they usually have at least one.

I think they usually have the number one.

They're usually rated pretty high up there.

There's two.

They got one in Hollywood, yeah.

Hollywood Studios.

Hollywood Horror Nights.

I never got to go, man.

The one in Orlando.

The one in Orlando, they're getting ready to ban alcohol

because a whole bunch of the cast members have been getting punched

because people get scared and they're drunk

and they start fighting and arguing and shit.

And they arrested two people yesterday.

So they're already, I guess, banned it at Hollywood Studios.

The Hollywood Studios, right?

At the Hollywood Universal Studios.

They already banned drinking for their Halloween Horror Nights

because of similar problems.

and now the florida one the florida ones drinking and party all right but i'll tell you what listen

you know when i was in high school halloween horror nights was the shit when i was in college

it started getting kind of eh and but i stopped my last halloween horror nights i think was 2005

and i stopped going because every year got shittier and shittier and it was it ended up

becoming nothing but like asshole drunk people yelling and starting fights and and talking

talking shit to people like start like getting drunk and belligerent and like yelling

shit like i was wearing a warren sapp jersey warren sapp when he was they remember they did

all that heavy advertising dude like man was always on tv man i never got to go man it was

always working yeah well you're dumb you should have gone or you could have gone to the bush

gardens when it was closer for you but um i was wearing a warren sapp jersey when he played for

the tampa bay buck still and some guy just yells out of the crowd warren sapp fucking sucks and i

I just said to myself, why would you do that?

How stupid are you?

I'm drunk, and I'm out in public, and there's a guy wearing a football jersey.

I'm going to yell that the guy sucks because, yeah, I'm cool like that.

So that's when I started going on.

This is fucking stupid.

I saw like, did you ever go to Ybor City?

Yeah, I did go there twice, I think.

Once or twice, once or twice.

Yeah, I like it.

It's still going on, too.

I wasn't too impressed with Ybor City the last time I went.

I don't want to deal with that phone tree right now.

Ripley.

How many years did you go?

I went twice.

The first time I went to Ybor City was in 99, and it was pretty good back in 99.

I enjoyed it.

Then I went again like mid-2000s, late-2000s, and it was pretty shitty.

Really?

It died down.

I don't know.

Maybe went on an off night, but yeah.

Yeah, that's true, because depending on when you went, the weather affects things, too.

Yeah.

Well, the first time I went, it was awesome.

It was packed, a lot of people.

lot of fun you know saw them rolling cigars there and shit it was fun yeah man it's still going on

i'd actually talked to a person that was from there man i you know i got we got talking about

all that shit dude and i asked this still going on still going on bro yeah thanks thanks for

letting me know so real i'm taking a break after this milkman right mysterious mansion adam

speaking how may i help you mysterious mansion machine yes okay um what's the minimal amount

amount of clothing i can wear while i'm going through the mansion as long as your um you know

your personal areas are covered they should be okay all right that's good that's good um is there

a dark corner where i can perhaps relieve myself i don't think so maybe in the uh i get sexually

attracted probably do you have any women like most people would normally do that to masturbate

if that's what you feel to do it's dirty in the bathroom though like i'd like a nice clean area

where i can watch like the the do you have anybody with like the ghosts like they have the sheets on

looking like ghosts that's i'm really highly sexually attracted to that and i also like sexy

vampire woman oh i'm sorry man we don't have any of that stuff around here what do you have in the

mysterious mansion then well you know you just gotta kind of buy a ticket and come down and find

out for yourself you're pretty shitty salesman you fucking asshole yeah i know you've got a pretty

Yeah, you're a piece of shit for not telling me

and not trying to at least sell me on it.

But why would I even bother?

No wonder you work for Walmart.

Oh, I work for Walmart now.

No wonder you work for Walmart.

Yeah.

Yeah, Walmart.

Attention, Walmart shoppers, there's a sale.

Blue light special.

Blue light special over here, Walmart.

Yeah, I think you missed the blue light special.

All right, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you for shopping, Walmart.

Have a good day.

You're welcome.

Bye-bye.

Paper and plastic?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think it broke whenever you were born.

you mean like the cum of my dad's cum one of my mom no no i mean whenever they tried

to abort you whenever she uh you know you fell out in the plastic bag that is there's no plastic

bag use it's like a vacuum device i think and something like that i don't know i'm never really

worried about it you should look into it i'm up against a heartbreak though asshole all right

thanks a lot oh so you're calling me and you're calling me names now yeah motherfucker oh well

you know exactly where i'm at and uh all right yeah i'll come down there and i'll come down to

of my face and say it yeah right okay well here's what i'm gonna take off my shoe hit you in the

face with the shoe then i'll beat your ass up oh if you think they're big enough to do that yeah

i'm right here yeah all right all right let's fight okay all right let's fight mom all right

let's go all right and then come on shut up and do it and if i win i'll i'm gonna suck your dick

no well whatever floats your boat bro i'm gonna suck your dick and make you gay oh right i guess

since you're the one that would be the uh yeah yeah oh look i'm up against a heartbreak so go

fuck yourself all right okay this conversation has become over yes exactly so when we come back

milkman your birthday's over it's now midnight past midnight now it is yeah it's 9 30 kidding

kidding um we got restaurants up in sleepy hollow sleepy hollow i guess this is a town called sleepy

hollow um we also got halloween merchandise retailers we'll see if they're still open i

don't know it says call before 11 p.m eastern standard time so i don't think so i'll have to

a scan through those see if there's any out i'll pass you know the area where we can still reach

them at this time maybe west coasty um i got numbers i think dwight was sending in some number

no dwight was just sending me a link to watch about crane do i remember ichabod crane yes the

story the headless horseman yeah yeah i know did they make a movie out of that recently or something

it looked kind of weird they made the headless horseman movie i don't know if they're any good

I thought so.

But I never did get to see it, man.

I never really heard anything about it.

It probably wasn't that big yet, though.

I don't think so.

It was like 10 years ago.

Yeah, and if you didn't see it, now you can't catch it because it's not in the movie theater.

Now you can never watch it again.

Oh, man.

I don't have a DVD.

No, they don't have a DVD player.

Yeah, no, you don't.

You're old.

You don't.

I got a VHS player, though.

Yeah, do you?

Bitch.

All right.

Anyway, we're going to take a break.

We'll be right back in like 12, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, something like that.

Well, hurry up and do a masturbate, then the bathroom will come back.

I will be back right after this.

Plus Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

Better than a woman.

Be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Oh, man.

He's enjoying himself there.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Do you want any guests on?

Do you want Matt to see if he wants to join?

He's your friend.

Do you want Matt?

Sure, hell yeah, man.

Yeah.

Call Matt and see if he's around.

he's yellow i don't know if he's around he's got a yellow anyone else i think dwight's done with

his stuff you don't want him yeah man right i won't put on anyone you know it's your night

it's your birthday night let's get an update to see if do i had any success

do i yes hello did you have any success tonight

hello how are you did you have any success tonight uh i had major success tonight yes

I sent you a sample file for your viewing to approve or disapprove of on the air.

Let me see if my transfer worked.

Sure, if it looked like it.

Yeah, it had to also Dropbox to my other PC here.

That's the thing.

Where's Dropbox?

Can view record.

Found it.

All right.

Hey, Dwight.

Yes, sir.

Happy birthday.

Hey, brother.

Thank you, man.

Thanks for that.

I was wanting to thank you for giving us a break tonight and jumping us.

Yeah, no problem.

It only comes around once a year, and I'm sure every other host would have gave it up, too.

Oh, man.

Bless your heart, man.

Thank you, brother.

Seriously, man.

God bless, man.

Thank you, bro.

It sounds like I might have paid off because it's not.

All right.

Anyway, let's hear this.

This is more webcam pranks, as you say.

Yes.

It's a sample from tonight.

People walking around.

is there good audio should i describe that's good there's a lot of that shit tonight so sad

oh my god any owners get upset and come outside uh no the owner never came out that's um i started

yelling at random people because they were going by and not stopping and i said what's the matter

motherfucker my candy tune not good enough for you shit like that uh but yeah there's a lot of

those a lot of people getting scared in their houses and stuff because of being halloween

a lot of the get out of my house stuff probably well we there's one that it's gonna take a long

time to edit up um because it's about 45 minutes long but me and dashie had these people like

chasing around trying to figure out where the fuck this noise was coming from like there was

four people the mother father and like two kids and they're just looking looking so we start

calling their house with the caller id of 666 and as soon as they're picking up they're hanging up

It's like, oh, it says 666.

I don't know what's going on.

They thought the virus was coming through their phone.

And I got some weird shit.

And I eventually got caught because I tried to sneak in something over the camera.

And he was just too close.

And there's a lot of good stuff I probably got.

I probably got six, seven good pranks that I'm going to have to edit out.

Good, man.

Trick-or-treaters, I'll put them all into one.

You should try to get them on YouTube as soon as you can.

Halloween is still hot.

Yeah, I'm going to try the next day or two.

Hey, everyone, tomorrow, technically it starts tonight in my experience,

but definitely tomorrow, super cheap candy day at all your grocery stores.

I will be buying my annual Skittles run.

Since I'm diabetic, my go-to thing, if my sugar is low, is Skittles

because they're tasty and they raise your sugar really quick.

They're just pure fucking sugar.

They're basically like sugar with like a little bit of artificial color flavoring in them in a hard shell.

So that's what I use.

But it's a waste because I only need like, if my sugar is all I need is like three or four of those and I'm good to go.

It's a waste for me to go have to find a, you know, a large bag of it and only have two or three of them and never eat them again.

Then I just get tempted to eat the whole thing.

But you can get those Halloween-sized ones.

So it's like a little bag with like maybe like eight or ten Skittles in there.

it's the perfect amount for me to throw my bag throw my locker at work and my car you know so

those are the candies that i use and i and i keep a bag in the pantry here those are the ones i use

for the whole year as my uh blood sugar is low uh you know go-to snack and i usually i buy two

large the two of those large bags and it's usually like really cheap they usually sell

them for like 50 off so basically buy one get one free yeah anyway that's my thing so if you

If you want some cheap candy, tomorrow's the day to go.

Go to your CVS, your Rite Aid, your Walgreens, whatever you have near you.

And or go to your grocery stores.

Safe way, Milkman.

There you go.

Get some candy because you're pre-diabetic.

Dwight is pre-diabetic.

We all need to take care of ourselves.

Dwight, are you there?

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm here.

I know.

I'm trailing off.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm multitasking.

I am chatting with Turbo on GTA 5 as well as on the show.

Good.

I got the headset on one ear, I have the headset of the show on the other, and so yes.

Yeah, you seem to be coughing a lot for some reason, Jesus Christ.

We're going to go steal some hearse that are out new for the Halloween.

Oh, I got an email from Rockstar about some new stuff, I didn't check it out.

The slasher one's kind of cool, where there's like seven of you and you go hide and basically this guy's hunting us down with a shotgun.

And if you hold out for like two minutes, then we all get shotguns and go after him.

Real quick, Milkman, I want to check in with you music-wise.

We can continue to play Bob Marley, or we can move on to Jimi Hendrix.

It's your night.

What do you want, boy?

Yeah, man.

Bob Marley or Jimi Hendrix, whatever, man.

No, which one?

We wasn't playing much of it before, so whatever.

Do you want Jimi or Marley now?

What do you want?

Play some Jimi, man.

We never heard any of that.

All right, Jimi it is.

And?

We're going to get numbers here.

Presuming, Dwight, you're not going to get numbers at the moment because you're multitasking.

All right, someone here is looking for a sitter for their three-month-old.

You must submit a background check.

References and drug-free.

Background check, huh?

Probably a cop.

I'm going to shy away from that.

If you're so willing to say and get a background check, probably a cop.

You can just run it, motherfucker.

Yeah, stay away from that one.

Got some Remington rifles for sale.

Where at?

This is in Tennessee.

It's late.

Almost one in the morning.

I'll call.

Fuck it.

It's going to be on some place in California or something.

You've got to be careful.

Excuse me.

Let me just take a quick look.

See where I left off with Parkman's numbers.

I did say there were a few that we had to do.

What version was that?

No, Fendix is playing.

Which song was that version?

Slight Return.

Wasn't Electric Wizard.

I like a different one.

Let's see.

It's a live version.

Oh, okay.

That's what I was going to say.

Okay.

I didn't think it was.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, it's like a live version.

This is live at the Royal Albert Hall.

Oh, no wonder.

1969.

Bootleg.

It's a bootleg.

1969.

Live at the Royal Albert Hall.

I have this one.

I got a video of some of these, too.

This is a great one.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, man.

1968.

This is one of his...

Man, the whole concert, like...

I said 1969.

1969.

Okay, sorry.

I forgot.

I don't know.

What did I say?

1969.

Yeah.

What's wrong with...

Why are you hearing things?

1969.

How could you forget 69?

It's 69 A, B.

We landed on the moon that year.

are you sure it was 69 he played a robot at all i thought it was 68 but maybe i'm wrong that's what

internet says that's what amazon prime music says so all right then all right then maybe they're

right whatever one year i'm different it was after well it had to be at least after that

the electric label man because that's when he really started kicking it man and then

that album there right right right they liked him so much they invited him to play the tale

Albert Hall.

He was really going down, man.

He was great.

I gotcha, I gotcha.

Hey, buddy, here's a Safeway store.

Let's call about that candy machine.

Thank you for calling your friendly Safeway.

One moment, please.

Uh-oh, I was just playing this.

Just playing it.

Two hours, 45 minutes ago, 39 seconds.

Pretty just to me.

Anyway, what?

Harper, don't send me numbers in Brad's hometown on purpose.

I don't want to call.

We're calling Safeway.

This is Jordan.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I was calling to get the street beat.

The what?

The street beat on the candy sale for tonight or tomorrow.

When does it start and what do you got going on?

I buy my annual supply of candy the day after Halloween or the night of,

depending on how your sales went for the day, for the week.

I usually can get a good deal.

When do you mark down your Halloween candy, tonight or tomorrow?

Tonight.

All right.

What are we at, 50% or what are we looking at?

All the Halloween candy will be half off.

Just the regular candy will be normal price, though.

Yeah, like bars and stuff.

But the Halloween-sized bags are going to be buy one, get one, right?

Basically, buy one, get one, right?

50% off?

Pretty much, yeah.

Pretty much?

Yeah, same thing, yeah.

All right, you got Snickers?

We do have Snickers.

You got Score Bar?

I'm not sure about that one.

You want to go check, honey, baby?

maybe there is a lot of uh just random like the big bags and they have like different things in

there yeah um i'm not sure exactly there's all kinds of stuff it's all on one uh it's all in

the all of it's down in the front lobby now so if you want to come check it out there's still like

four by fours of it yeah we'll go ahead and put i need you to put all that away all this how many

skittles you have there can you put them all away for me i'll take them all i i listen to me i'm

I'm diabetic, and I live in a house with four diabetics, and we get our annual supply of candy for when our blood sugar is low.

Now, because it's A, cheaper, B, it's a smaller individual-sized package, which are more portable and more economic to use and more safe to use that way.

So I'm going to put in a whole order for the entire wing of this medical facility.

So I need all those Skittles.

How many Skittles do you think?

How many boxes?

how many crates or how many bags you think i i don't know about skittles um it's mostly

like snicker type things he's got some snickers yeah see we can't do snickers that's the problem

because the soft candy i tried that one year and it just gets melty you know stuff in the heat in

the car skittles i can throw in my glove box you know throw like three or four bags in there

they don't they don't really melt they got that harsh shell machine motherfucker you know

uh uh fuck my best advice would be to come check it out we i don't know what it is really it's just

a bunch of random stuff hey you know what i thought you know what i found out though you

son of a bitch is that hershey's makes their chocolate candy different in southern climates

they make it with a more waxy kind of taste to it but it's more resistant to the heat it's what

they give for military locations and for like south america and africa and shit like that

and the middle east yeah it's all like yeah so they taste less chocolatey but they stand up to

that motherfucker and originally they they developed for the motherfuckers that were

world war ii in the pacific they wanted them to have fucking chocolate so they said hey let's

mess with the fucking formula they had a little bit of that a little less of that you know did

this kind of emulsification technique motherfucker and it made us uh resisted like up to 20 degrees

uh more of delta of uh heat oh yeah motherfucker that was some fucking engineering shit right

there so i order that shit i get it on ebay there's this motherfucker that goes down he

lives in california right get this he he lives on the fucking border on san diego and he drives

the fuck down there and he he picks up a bunch of like that mexican cope you know yeah and he

He gets a lot of the cheap Viagras and Cialis and Levitra.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, and then he gets a bunch of these that I'm talking about,

the resilient chocolate bars, you know?

Uh-huh, yeah.

And he gets, like, there's this version of Crystal Light down there

that's made with Splenda, and you can't find it in the United States.

There's not a Splenda Crystal Light,

but down there, there is a Splenda Crystal Light.

Oh, finally.

Finally bored the shit out of him.

I was talking fucking business, man.

That's some fucking engineering shit right there.

That's like a grocery industry talk, dude.

That's some fucking engineering shit.

Yay.

Hey, buddy.

Have you heard about that outbreak and the store closures at Chipotle?

They closed 43 stores.

Did they?

Yeah.

Nikola outbreak, dude.

It's like going on, man.

They're closing 43 of them.

What is it?

Is it a meat thing or what is it?

It was on the news.

Except 43 of them, man. It's like the latest, it's just the newest thing, latest thing.

Yeah, but I'm asking you.

43 of them. E. coli.

But in what? In the meat? In the veggies?

No, I don't know the details, bro. I don't know the exact details.

I mean, like, I'm sure if you, like, type it into Google, I just saw it flash by on the news, man.

All right, quiet.

Significant proportion of patients have been hospitalized,

which should remind us all that E. coli is this potentially serious infection.

It's a favorite restaurant for a lot of people and now the source of major illness.

We were the first to break this story.

Multiple E. coli cases linked to Chipotle restaurants in Oregon and Washington.

Local restaurants have voluntarily closed and no word on when they'll reopen.

And all of this comes on a big Halloween promotion.

Maybe you got one of those $2 burrito coupons.

That is not happening now.

News media's Ashley Korsland talked with people who say they got sick.

One by one, Chipotle lovers all over the metro area found themselves locked out of the popular food chain Saturday.

Signs on the door listed, a supply chain issue.

Darn.

I was going to get the salad bowl.

She always gets that.

We'll find something else.

But it turns out health officials are investigating a possible E. coli outbreak at Chipotle's Northwest restaurants.

The company voluntarily shut down stores in Oregon and Washington saying, quote, the safety and well-being of our customers is always our highest priority.

We immediately closed all of our restaurants in the area out of an abundance of caution, even though the vast majority of these restaurants have no reported problems.

Oregon Health Authority reports 19 cases in Washington and three in Oregon dating back to mid-October, a third of them hospitalized.

And she said that it was E. coli and I was shocked because I've never had E. coli.

Ashley Arlano thinks she could be one of the organ cases after eating at the Clackamas Town Center Chipotle.

She says she missed a week of work.

Because my body was just in aches, pains, nauseous, couldn't hold anything down.

I have the burrito bowl because I'm gluten free.

And Stephanie Wright in Ridgefield says she got sick after eating at the Vancouver location on 164th.

It was probably around 3.30 in the morning.

I had a really upset stomach.

It was enough to wake me up.

The majority of the equal...

You're eating Mexican food, bitch.

Yeah, that happens.

...including Clackamas, Washington, and Cowlitz counties.

There's no word yet on what ingredient could be the cause.

Ashley Corsland, KGW News.

Okay, they didn't say the ingredients,

but I know that they did have some bottle there, too.

There's something there.

I bet you it's the beef.

What's your guess?

Dwight, you got a guess?

I'm going with beef.

I'm going with the rice.

The rice?

I think it'd be the vegetables, dude.

The veggies?

The burrito got that lettuce and shit.

Yeah, maybe some lettuce machine, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Rice doesn't really get E. coli.

I don't know about that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Unwashed vegetables, I'd say,

because pretty well

mostly the beef shit

has been taken care of.

Most of that.

Yeah, you get one cow

in there that takes

a big shit

and they don't

clean it right.

You know?

Well, yeah.

If they take the asshole

out of the cow

and forget to wash

their hands

before they start

cutting the meat,

there's a problem there.

Maybe it's someone

like Awkward and Dwight

who find a cow

and they fuck it

in the ass.

Take the ass

and keep it.

I don't know how

the cow got out there.

I'll keep it in the

refrigerator

until I'm ready

for her again.

shit um well let me get back to my phone list of numbers all right so thanks for sharing that

story that's good now let's not eat at chipotle that's great breaking news

we got mars candy 24-hour product safety line all right carlito don't tell the slasher but

i'm hiding in the shitter safety line my name is eric may i please have your first and last name

hey it's julio what's your last name rivero thanks could i have a phone number in case

Case for Disconnected, please.

Yeah, it's 2-0-1-5.

Thanks. How can I help you?

Um, uh, how many M&Ms is it safe to put in the foreskin?

Sorry?

How many M&Ms is it safe to put in the foreskin?

I'd say zero.

Okay, I'm not dealing with a problem, then.

Okay. Have a good night.

That's why the guy in the background is throwing up.

I don't know why he's throwing up then, but, okay.

Because I had an idea.

Call the Chipotle hotline and fuck with them.

Call a what hotline?

Call the Chipotle hotline.

Huh.

For the customer service.

Yeah.

I should call a news line, but, yeah.

My friend is fucking throwing up.

Hello, you have reached the product safety information service.

If you have medical concerns, press...

Health and safety line, my name is Eric.

May I please have your first and last name?

Hello?

Yes, where are we?

My name is Eric.

May I please have your first and last name?

Yes, where are we disconnected?

Oh, is this Julio?

Yes.

Okay.

How can I help you?

My friend Dwight, he doesn't go.

I don't know if you can hear him, but he doesn't go right now.

Okay.

And he ate one of those really large candies,

like those really large novelty ones that you sell at Times Square.

Okay.

what's the name of the candy um i think it was just a score bar no three musketeers that's the

ticket okay yeah so he ate it and he's sick now yeah okay well i can certainly make a report about

well he's into customer service he doesn't go basically i'm sorry he doesn't go he's not going

he doesn't go he doesn't go doesn't make i'm sorry i don't understand well i don't know he's

He's making the noises and stuff.

I don't know if the stuff is coming out.

He's trying to throw up, but he can't throw up?

Well, it comes up, but I'm just saying the stuff that comes out,

it's not supposed to come out, you know?

It's what's supposed to come out down there.

It's coming out of both fucking ends.

Okay, well, if he's sick, you know, and if he's that sick,

I want him to go to the hospital then, okay?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

All right, so we're going to file a claim.

Let's go ahead and give us a claim number.

Okay.

Well, I need your phone number, please.

And we're going to need, well, if you just made a decision for us,

you just said that we need to go to the hospital.

So we'll go ahead and take the policy number that we're going to be billing it to.

Please.

I can give you a case number if you'd like here.

But I would need your contact information.

What insurance company is this going to be paying for?

Julio.

Who's going to be the insurance?

There's going to be an insurance.

This is just a reporting line here, so I can make a report and send it to customer service.

Yeah, but what's the insurance company that will handle this?

Let me know so I can make an...

I wouldn't have any information like that.

Like I said, I can make a report and send it to customer service.

Well, what insurance do you have?

That's probably the same company.

It's usually the same company.

What insurance do you have?

Well, we're a third-party reporting line here.

I don't work directly for Mars, so if you need to talk to the company directly...

Yeah, but why...

...you have to speak with them on Monday.

I know, but I'm suing you for punitive damages.

So, what insurance company do you have?

Sir, if you're going to talk about a lawsuit, you can talk to the company directly.

You have to speak with them on Monday.

Well, no, I'm talking to you, so I'm going to get your information.

I'm going to sue you for punitive damages.

Sir, it's really not relevant.

I'm sorry that your friend does not feel well, but I was just saying if he's that sick,

he should go seek medical attention.

Well, yeah, exactly.

So, you just said that he should go.

You just sent him to the hospital, so you guys are covering it.

Oh, yeah.

I love some green stuff coming out of the tip of my penis.

If you'd like to talk about that more.

All calls may be monitored and recorded, just to let you know.

I realize that.

All right, so then you know you said what you said,

and you said that he should go to the hospital.

So, yeah, I guess you guys are picking up the bill.

You guys are taking responsibility to treat his claim for getting sick

and throwing up after eating an entire large Novelty 3 Musketeers bar.

Okay, well, you know, I would say that, you know, again, you have to talk to customer service.

You can give me your contact information.

I can have them follow up with you if you'd like.

Give

me your phone number and address.

I don't know.

I don't know if I trust you now.

Okay, well, then you can call customer service on Monday.

They'll be open on Monday, okay?

I mean, here's what happens.

I have pending litigation against you now.

I just opened a case against you.

So I'm limited as to what I can even discuss with you now, you know?

Okay, well, then the best thing to do would either be to give me your information

and I can make a report, or you can just call customer service on Monday morning.

I can give you a case number.

I can give you a case number here if you'd like.

Well, can I give you our case number here, please?

I'd rather just have your address and phone number.

If you don't want to give that, that's fine.

Well, I'll give you our case number.

I need to give you our case number so you can make a note of it.

Okay, what's your case number?

It's 030314.

Okay.

I'll note that in the case, and like I said,

do you want to give your contact information or would you rather not?

All right, well, I need your contact information now.

I'll give you the case number.

That's all I can give you.

Go ahead, go ahead.

That's 142-343-178.

Okay, all right, and what's your contact information then?

Same number that you dialed would be the number to reach me.

All right, and so you're going to receive a text from us here

to opt in for alerts on your case with us.

So what I would recommend is if you want those to stop or not come through,

you can reply back with stop, or you can actually also reply with opt out,

and there's a few different words that it will pick up.

If you have any other questions, I'd want you to call customer service on Monday, okay?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What I'm trying to say is that you can reply stop by text back to that message,

and then you won't be enrolled in the messages.

But it is an opt-in system, but you're automatically opted in at first.

You have the option to opt out because it's litigation.

But you'll receive reports regularly there also,

and you'll also maybe sign up for a joke of the day, weather of the day alerts.

Sir, this is an emergency line.

I need to keep it open for emergencies.

What kind of emergency?

If you have further concerns, I'll have you talk to customers.

It's not an emergency line.

What's your emergency registration number?

You should have an emergency line registration number.

I'm going to disconnect the call now.

For reverse 911?

I know, because I got in trouble once.

You got in trouble?

I heard about that, and then Gary Brodsky fucked you.

Fuck Gary Brodsky.

Carlito.

What?

Is there any chance you could get any East Coast or Hawaiian Chipotles on the line,

but not in Oregon or Washington?

Do you mean West Coast?

Because East Coast is closed now.

I'm sorry.

I got it backwards.

I was trying to get it in quick.

West Coast.

Sorry, California, probably, or L.A., or, you know, like...

That was one of the, uh...

I'm sure I can find, I'm sure I can find.

Like, call the restaurant site, and then we could, like, start with our own little epidemic.

I'm sure, uh, we can figure something out.

We can get one online.

Oh, yeah, online.

It's still, like, 10.30 right here, so you could, you know...

Those motherfuckers are probably closing in.

What did you say, you want some wine, Chipotle's?

This is the perfect time because you just got done at the end of the night.

I'm looking at one.

Opens at 11.

They all open at 11.

Let me look at Los Angeles.

That's down south.

Los Angeles.

These are all open at 11.

They're all closed, man.

We're outside of Las Vegas.

Are they open at 11 or not?

Yes, they are.

Vegas?

I don't get my odds, but...

Let me try.

I could try Hawaii.

Then I'd be like,

Huh?

What do you mean?

We don't get it.

Yeah.

It'll be breaking news for them, too.

We're not even on the same company.

We're just using the name.

All the Vegas ones are closed, fucker.

Okay, Alaska?

No, hey, this is a Chipotle house.

Alaska, too, is possible.

It's still in the time zone.

It's available.

I've not seen any on Hawaii.

No.

Hawaii is Chipotle-less.

Okay, none there.

Alaska, I'm sure Alaska.

British Columbia?

They're probably not in British Columbia, are they?

No, there's a Kadoba in Alaska.

Kadoba sucks.

What was the thought, dude? Do I have to put that on my next week's list?

Sorry, sir.

Okay. Well, thank you.

All right. All right.

Let's call this Walgreens in Alaska.

Right across the street. They're open 24 hours a day.

See if the friendly motherfuckers in Alaska would be willing to talk to us.

Dwight, you want to do a prank? Are you busy doing that?

Sure. I can do both.

I'll play the game.

This Walgreens is tough.

They're going to have a phone tree.

Thank you for calling your 24-hour Walgreens.

Hi, Walgreens. I apologize for the wait, and I appreciate your patience.

Happy Halloween. How can I help you today?

Happy Halloween to you, too.

I need to get the prescription refilled.

Do you have the RX number?

I don't. I got the slip in my hand.

I'm supposed to drop it off to get it refilled.

Sorry, what was that, sir?

I gave a slip, and they print the slip for me.

I need to... Do I bring it to you, and you do the refills?

Yes, sir. You need to bring it in to us before we can do the refill.

Okay, I'm supposed to check, uh, you have the, uh, uh, the refills for the barricadas?

Sorry, sir, let me put you on hold for one moment.

Let me transfer you to our pharmacist, and she should be able to help you.

Oh, she help me?

Yeah, our pharmacist should be able to help you.

I'm just gonna put you on hold for just one moment.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, let's just go again.

Yeah!

I'm the best.

I can play, too. I can play, too, what I play. Yeah.

That's right, bitch.

Let's try to match them up.

Executed slash.

Hello, this is the pharmacist. Can I help you?

Hello?

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I tell the lady I have a prescription.

They print me out the prescription.

She say I bring it to you and you do the refills.

Uh-huh.

And it's...

I know come there before.

This be our first time.

This is your first time coming here?

My first time, yes.

Okay.

It's for the marijuanas.

We don't sell marijuana.

No, no, not sell.

It's prescription.

I have the case of the diarheas.

They say marijuana will help me.

Hello?

I don't think it's a marijuana thing.

I think she didn't want to help a Mexican.

Marijuana, you know, they get scared.

It's just a very Republican state.

We don't sell marijuana.

wasn't marijuana on the ballot in alaska did it fail i don't know it's supposed to be on the

ballot of michigan uh it's on the ballot everywhere all the time it's gonna be it's gonna keep coming

on the ballot everywhere until it's legal everywhere i'm gonna i'm gonna say go ahead

i don't smoke with myself this is gonna be an exponential growth in a number of states that

allow i mean it's it's just another opportunity to fucking uh tax the shit out of it get some more

income coming in some more shit coming fuck yeah that shit then we can listen to this shit just

better you are you're mr i don't do drugs i don't do i don't i don't uh so why are you talking like

you're gonna be smoking the weed you're afraid to afraid to afraid to you're mr football star

afraid to do the man you're a piece of shit you don't know how to smoke the weed that's a good

thing did it once and didn't feel or uh find the attraction so yeah hey steak and shake dwight

Wyatt, you ever been to the Steak and Shake?

You like that shit?

I have.

They got the worst fucking fries there.

Worst fries ever.

I went for the first time in a long time.

And, like, I hated the amount of time I had to wait in drive-thru for their fucking food.

Yeah, it's because, like, oh, we'll make it up.

I'm like, listen, dude, for the amount of time it takes you to make shit, you should not have a fucking drive-thru.

Exactly.

I know they're trying to stick to we make every fucking burger to order and shit, but just don't have a drive-thru.

It gets ridiculous.

But you know what?

I will say this, though.

So they, at least the ones that I used to go to, they had it pretty down-packed.

The time for their milkshakes was always really good.

And a fucking steak-a-shake milkshake.

Well, they run you through the ringer, too, with milkshakes.

They're like, oh, yeah, it's half-off milkshakes during this time and shit.

So they've got to be cranking those babies out.

Dude, milkshakes, they're fucking milkshakes.

That's one thing I miss ever since I became diabetic.

Oh, dude, there was something about it.

The burgers are good, too, man.

I remember the burgers were pretty darn good.

Yeah, the burgers are good.

Yes, the burgers are good.

But, but.

I don't remember the fries.

Oh, they're like little matchsticks, little shoestring, little fucking...

Oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, and they're kind of like burnt?

Yeah, they're all burnt.

Overcooked?

Overcooked, right?

Yeah, overcooked and burnt.

I think I do remember that now.

Yeah, they suck.

And then they also have...

Like matchsticks.

I never thought of that, but that's right.

You're right.

I think I've had that motherfucker.

They're like little broken matchsticks.

Yeah, and then they'll also add chili over it like some fucking big deal.

Yeah, fuck that.

Fuck that, man.

But their chili's actually pretty good.

Yeah.

They got those little vinegars there, those hot vinegars.

The little hot peppers in there.

Yeah.

Put that little hot vinegar water up in that shit.

Put a whole pepper in it and eat it.

Hampton Avenue Steak and Shake.

There, I gave it away because I'm stupid.

Thank you, Steak on Hampton.

Hampton, Hampton, Hampton.

I want to make an order.

Okay.

All right.

One meat.

Okay.

Do you have breakfasts there?

You have breakfasts there, right?

Yes, we do.

All right.

I'll take one eggs.

Okay.

Scrambled, easy, hard, sunny side up?

Uh, just cooked, cooked eggs.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Cooked.

Okay.

Okay, can you cook them for me, honey?

Mm-hmm.

All right, that's nice, honey.

You want the one egg breakfast?

Just, yeah.

Or you just want one egg?

One eggs, one eggs, one order of eggs.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, and does that come with a meat?

A meat?

Yeah.

One moment, okay.

Okay, and I need you to, I need you to add.

Did you want cheese on it?

The egg?

I need heat, can you add heat?

Heat?

Heat, heat.

Like the candy?

No, heat.

H-E-A-T, heat.

Like, you know, where it's hot.

You make it hot.

What do you mean, the candy?

What did you think I said?

Bitch.

Are you there, stupid lady?

Yes, she was.

Bitch.

Stupid fucking lady.

Want to talk to her?

Here she is.

Take a shake.

How can I help you?

Hello, I need to make an order to pick up, please.

Well, why not after midnight?

Fuck you.

You sound like a fucking homosexual.

You heard that?

Fuck you, dude.

You know, it was like, well, fuck you.

Fuck you, dude.

Oh, I was so happy the other day.

Like, I went to go get something from McDonald's.

They're like, do you want anything?

I was like, oh, give me some fucking breakfast burritos and a hash brown.

Hello?

Hello, chicken.

Chicken.

Hey, you little chicken.

You little chicken, you.

you. Rub him on the head.

Pinch him on the balls. Pinch him on your little

head, you little chicken. We're having a great day

at Steak and Shake. How may I serve you? Yeah, listen, I've got

the Hampton Avenue Steak and Shake on

the line. Yes, sir. Yeah,

and they said a lot

of fucking shit over here about you guys.

Well, I mean, that's fine.

I mean, whatever they say is fine. Well, they

said that you borrowed

their mop and you haven't given it back yet, and

they said it's all because it's all like a

bunch of N-words

over there, he said. He said those

and words hey you shut up boy hey i know you hear me motherfucker you why are you messing around

are you are you done yeah i wanted to talk to who's that your cousin is that your cousin

are you are you serious right yeah i'm serious right now man i'm fucking serious as cancer

come on man okay who was it but i hear that who was that machine i'm tripping motherfucker

you suck his dick you ever suck his dick line of great ds didn't say come here i'll serve you

Hey, you ever suck that guy's dick, Antoine?

Like, how does he know you?

You said what, buddy?

How do you know that guy?

Is he your cuzzo?

Man, this is all you got better to do is call people and fuck what people do.

You ain't got nothing better to do, man.

I want to know, motherfucker, you, man.

Come on, man.

Come on, man, motherfucker, man.

Come on, brother, man.

Is that how you talk?

Is that how I'm supposed to talk?

Hey, other guy, come on.

Do you know the people at Manchester Street?

Dwight, you take it, all right?

Dude, I about spit a beer at Ward.

Come on, man, you suck that guy's dick.

Still on, by the way.

Hey, baby.

Come on, big guy.

We shot, man.

Come on, slimy dick.

We're making gang signs, S&S.

Ready to break bad on your ass.

Come on.

They'll hold hands like this is what thugs do.

What's thugs doing?

Our bun warmer belt is still broken.

That's what thugs do.

Thank you for calling Maplewood State.

Shake this, Ray.

Hey, hello, hello.

Yes, Mr. Ray, may I help you?

Yes, may I help you?

Yes, listen, I need to come in.

I had to file a complaint.

I had some food, and it's making me very sick.

And my stomach, you could not handle it.

Really? When did you come through?

No, I came through about 4 o'clock.

About 4 o'clock?

4 o'clock.

What's your name and phone number, sir, so I can call you back?

Okay, my name is Lenny.

L-E-N-N-Y.

Fuck you!

Are you ready for my telephone number?

Fuck you.

Hello?

Number?

Yeah, 206-424-8464.

Hold on, you went too fast.

206-424-8464.

8464.

What was your last name?

My last name is McClanahan.

Spell it.

M-C-C-L-A-N-H-A-N.

All right.

And you've got your receipt, right?

I got the receipt, and I got half a burger.

Okay, what's the receipt number?

Fuck you.

I got to find it.

Fuck you.

Hang on.

Who is saying fuck you to me?

Who said that?

If this is a game, I don't have time.

No, I'm serious.

Why do you keep saying this to me?

Because somebody in the background keeps saying F you.

No, it's somebody on your end.

You're somebody being a bitch motherfucker.

No, I'm the only one on the phone.

It's not good.

I'm the only person on the phone, so I don't know who's saying it.

Okay.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it's something on the line.

We hang up.

Maybe you call me back, and I'll get the receipt.

Fuck you.

Call me back.

Fuck you.

Call me back.

There you go.

Yeah, so he'll be calling Lenny's phone.

Hello?

Hey, how you boys doing?

I'm good.

Shit.

No, talk about these boys.

All right.

It's all good in Pop-Kee-Pee Roadshed.

You know, when I start me-me-holing and shit.

Oh, did you hear that the other night, Carlito, when I called the Brute service line and told them I was masturbating with Brute and I got some of my Mimi hole?

Yeah, I did.

Thank you for calling Maplewood Steak and Shake.

This is Ray.

Yeah, I wanted to make an order, please.

We don't take phone-in orders after midnight.

Oh, fuck you.

Okay, guys, quit playing.

No, fuck you.

Oh, fuck you.

We're open to both.

Done with it.

Done with Steak and Shake right there.

Someone sent in a number for a good number.

There you go.

to call on air for a security for a 55 plus community 55 55 years old plus and we can call

and say that someone is naked thank you fuck you i don't know who's saying f you f you that's

trying to edit the trick-or-treat kids right now while i'm out here yeah hi hello yeah there's

someone in the 713 area he's walking around naked he has his penis out and he's masturbating

in the 17 area yeah and he's masturbating and his penis is out he's the resident and he's singing

like the old gray mare she ain't what she used to be like so i don't know why he's walking around

outside the units and he's masturbating and he's an old man and he's he lives here he lives here

and his wife is behind him and she has her breasts out and she's caressing them all right well we'll

look into it and then they started kissing okay what's your name uh julio and i i got i got really

really excited watching it.

Where are you now, Julio?

I drove down a little bit further

and then I started touching myself

inside the car. But I thought I should

report this.

Nice.

Yeah, we'll take a look at that.

So, let me tell you about this weird text

I got the other day, Carlito.

I got this text and it comes through

It's my fault. Actually, I'll read it

verbatim, what it fucking said.

Because it was real weird. It was a number I didn't know.

uh i want to see messaging all right so it came through like around uh like according to the two

i don't know friday it says is man on duty today on campus and i have no idea what this lady's

talking about so i said i think so who is this uh she says this is uh christy i have a situation

but i do not want to i do not want to blow it out of proportion until it's verified

so i thought i would so thought it would level level-headed and doesn't react without thinking

she's talking about talking about matt so i asked her what's the situation

she says ty was in the parking lot and walked by a car that has a gun laying in the back seat

oh my god um i said i'm right back whose car is it she's like i don't know it's in the near it's

It's in the new yellow lot beside our blue lot.

I said, what campus is this?

And she says, MSU.

So Michigan.

I'm thinking Michigan State.

So I say, Michigan State?

And she goes, no, Missouri State University.

And I respond back, you have the wrong number.

She goes, oh, I'm sorry.

You better get all that information.

You have to type it all over again.

You have to type it all over again like a fool.

Okay.

So we get numbers in Kentucky.

It's kind of late.

but it's a neighborhood

I guess that goes

all out for their

Halloween

people compete

with each other

by decorating their

houses in Halloween

decorations

so we got numbers

there

let's try them

it's late

I don't want to

go much longer

because it becomes

a bitch to edit

if it's too long

three and a half

hours

run time is just

about right

I'll do like another

15

milkman

yeah but then we

travel back in time

it'll be one o'clock

again

oh shit

extra hours

it's the remix

if I get good

numbers then yeah

you've reached the millers bill sandy sarah zach and joe leave a message to millers let's change

that area or where the millers yeah is there a story behind this song uh milkman machine gun

uh it's like talking it's kind of like a story about like how the pointless he's like out there

shooting and then all of a sudden he gets shot with the same thing he's using to shoot and he's

like laying there dying and he's like thinking about all this stuff so he's like basically

It was an anti-Vietnam War song, really.

Machine gun.

Right, gotcha.

The pointlessness of it, you know?

The guy's telling somebody, and then you realize another guy can't play,

and you're dying, and he's thinking about it.

Excuse me.

Thank you, Milkman.

Hey, man, cue it up to, if you would, would you flip to some Bob Marley?

Now you want Bob Marley again?

We never got him, did we?

Yeah, we did.

We played Bob Marley for a while.

I can play whatever you want.

Well, honestly, okay.

Okay, then, I mean, it's like, okay, if I'm on the phone side, like, it probably, the audio barely, because, like, I can almost not hear any of it.

That's why I'm, like, asking.

Oh, man.

It'll probably sound good.

Okay, now I hear it.

Yeah, it's probably going to sound better on the recording than it does on the in-phone earpiece.

Sure, sure, probably, probably.

Thank you, brother.

I appreciate that, man.

Sure, man.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Yeah, yeah, man, yeah.

Got my back, baby.

Yes, I, I, me.

All right.

I'm scrambling for numbers.

Let me see.

Ah, yes, here's more of those people.

No, that's right.

There's more people that live in this neighborhood.

Hello, we are not available now.

Please leave.

No answering machine.

Ah, here's the next one.

Number flat or something?

Wankers?

Chairwake or something?

Noonan, if he hasn't passed out, man, I'm sure he may have some help.

Legit man's anywhere.

Emma, can't come to the phone right now.

Please leave a message.

Emma, killing me.

Goodness, is that a load?

He's not in the chat room, no.

He's not in the chat room?

No.

I didn't catch it.

Search, it's all busy now.

Please try your call.

I'm going to try that again correctly.

Yes, hi.

You had the trick-or-treating, you had the decorations and all that,

the trick-or-treating thing tonight?

You had the trick-or-treating tonight.

You were giving out candy.

I was not.

Why not?

What do you mean, why not?

You're the one that wasn't doing it then.

You're the one I'm looking for, the one that broke my kid's heart.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

You can't give kids candy on trick-or-treat?

What's wrong with you?

What the?

I'm going to come back around tomorrow at the same time again,

and I expect you to at least come out and apologize to him.

I don't know.

We don't need your charity.

You don't need to give us candy if you don't want it.

Hey, hey, hey, let's get to your son.

You owe an apology to my son for breaking his heart.

My religion states that I do not participate in Halloween, partner.

If you want your kid to participate, try to force your beliefs onto mine.

You owe an apology to my son.

You broke a kid's heart.

I don't owe nobody nothing except for religion.

You need to teach your son there's no religion.

Daddy, the bad man didn't give me any candy.

You stupid son of a bitch.

Okay, well, listen.

Daddy, give me no candy.

Quiet, man.

Maybe you can just bring some candy.

Maybe pick some up tomorrow after church.

No, come on over.

Come on over.

We'll be right here.

I'm Fred the Worker.

Trick or treat.

Yeah, we're going to come back and trick or treat tomorrow, okay?

You just give my son a few candy bars, like the good ones, the big ones, you know?

Yeah.

Okay?

Because you didn't give candy to my son.

Well, you should have given him pennies or just had a talk to him about Jesus.

You should have given him a talk about Jesus or something.

No, you should have done that.

You should have been Christian enough to have an explanation to at least say,

Hey, this is what...

Christian, don't throw that on us.

Wow, well, you're pieces of shit, then.

I don't think I'm Christian, but we're not, so don't throw that at us.

Oh, you're fucking what, witnesses?

Is that what it is?

What?

We don't need to be Christian enough to be a Christian.

You're a cult.

You're the world's biggest cult, is what you are.

Jehovah's Witnesses.

I don't think Jesus would like you calling and complaining about a little piece of candy.

I don't think that's something he would do.

So if you want to practice your fucking religion, you need to think about that.

Daddy, is the mean lady poor?

Yeah, you're a cult.

You're the largest cult in the world.

You believe what Jesus was not crucified.

It ain't none of your fucking business what I believe in.

Don't call here again.

You've got a stupid fucking religion.

You know, Michael Jackson was one of them, too.

Isn't that crazy?

And then he went to the other biggest cult, which is Scientology.

Oh, wow.

So they say.

Got him.

Well, that worked out.

The mean lady's poor.

Okay.

Okay, coming up next is the next road, the next, this is a little further down the way, per the number, but they're on the same, no, they're on the opposite side of the road, never mind, these people are opposites, they're nothing like, oh, I have to call, oh, no, ah, yes, I'm calling about the candy, no, hi, this is Paul, thanks for calling, and please leave me a message, and I'll get back to you, big fat Paul, this is the last number, this is the last number,

Is that the park man?

That's the last park man.

Hi, this is Paul.

Thanks for calling, and please leave me a message, and I'll get back to you.

Fucking Paul.

If I get numbers, I can keep doing the show.

I'll try to do another hour for you.

Rats.

If I can find, if I can dig something up, I'm working on it.

I wish we had numbers, bro.

I would love it, man.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I'm not very good at numbers.

I'll tell you, I miss numbers yet, man.

I'll tell you.

You're not very good at wishing either

Look, here's Enrique who has wood and lumber

This is a number from last week

And he already took his ad down

Well, let's call him and harass him

He's in Los Angeles, California

What were the NFL's next expansion team?

Hello?

Yeah, Enrique

Enrique

Yeah, you helped a friend of mine out with some wood, lumber

Yeah, who's this?

Yeah, well, they said that you looked really nice

She looked really good throwing the wood around, you know, when you were helping them get the wood.

Which friend are we talking about?

You looked sexy, they said.

Which?

They said that you were looking sexy.

Whoa.

What do you mean?

No, I don't.

I know who you are.

You look sexy.

Who am I speaking with?

My name is Julio.

Julio.

All right, Julio.

Yeah, Julio Rivera.

Julio Rivera.

No, I don't remember.

No, Julio.

And I'm Maricon.

Maricon.

Maricon

I'm Maricon

You know Maricon?

No, I don't know any Maricon

Well, that's me, my name is Maricon

They call me Maricon

My friends call me Maricon

Alright, listen

It's kind of late for me

No, come on, man

I have work tomorrow

I'm going to leave you

I'll suck your dick

Alright, have a good night, man

I'll suck your dick, man

okay yeah sucking dick

a lot of sucking dick tonight

so that worked out

speaking of the expansion team

how are you doing in the fantasy center

how am I doing in the fantasy

piece of shit

I was doing good

at the beginning of the season

and I started kind of tapering off there

I think I'm sitting

probably middle of the pack right now

in both leagues

I went 1-1 last week

I was ahead of the pack

I was like second place there

for the first five weeks

and now I'm middle of the pack

I had Tom Brady

in the fan league

who got me 59 fucking points

on Thursday

fuck em if no one beats them

if they get their undefeated season now

after that shit last year

that's some fucking bullshit

and the fact that for a while there

he was going to be fucking suspended

and they never would have gotten any chance

of having this kind of record that they have now

god damn it

he would have come back a little bit slow too

They would have probably lost one more

They would have lost their first five probably

Right

They would have had a psychological loss

At game five

He was suspended for four

They're still saying he's going to serve a suspension

Before the year's out

Good good yeah

You know they're going to be like

That's the only way they can keep him

From getting the fucking record

Yeah

I'm editing this trying to get it up

Before the show ends to YouTube

tube and i just had these kids and they come up to the door i was like hey you want candy

the kid i was like jump up and down say i want candy and they're jumping around candy and it's

well that suck get the fuck out of here anyone get mad like any parents said like fuck you or

like like hey don't talk to my kids nobody did that no they just kind of walked away this is

one kid he walks after i said that suck get the fuck out of here he goes oh that's reasonable

and just walked away.

Okay.

I only got a few more minutes of editing.

Understandable.

Oh, that's what he said.

Understandable, that's what he said.

All right, cool.

Sorry, just a moment.

All right, where am I here?

Let me find another older number from last week.

Who's the winner?

Who's winning in the...

There's one undefeated person in the Madhouse League

and not the fan league, but the old school.

Okay, well, I guess I'm all mixed up.

I thought we were talking about the one for the Madhouse or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me find out.

Someone is undefeated.

I forget who it is.

Is it the same guy from every year that does good?

Probably.

There's one dude that always kicks our asses every year.

I'm going to check.

Then I want to know.

League, standings, I think that sounds about right for finding out.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Zyklon, I guess, is 7-0.

Yeah, Zyklon's undefeated.

motherfucker he's a bitch motherfucker god damn zyklon uh i'm three and four dwight you're four

and two four and three rather bombay bench huds i forget who that is now oh that's uh is that

legend i think it's it's four and three i think that's legend uh acres that's acres my bed doesn't

isn't legend in our league i don't know why am i thinking legends are like i don't know anyway so

there you go you get the picture milkman i'm doing okay i started off really good but not kind of

Okay, that's where we're at, number-wise.

That's all right, dude.

You're stunned all the time, man.

You know, it's all right, bro.

Man, I just like to know what's going on.

I know I saw it the other day.

They're, like, offering, like, big money nowadays on TV to, like, get into that fantasy.

So they're auctioning out their football game.

Yep, yep, yeah, man.

Are you in any of the money leagues or any of these money ones or are these just, like...

No, I mean, it's getting weird with that

because now, like, every state's trying to regulate it differently.

It's getting really complicated.

kidding i know dude i knew this was gonna happen dude when you like we started talking about this

man i had that feeling man it's like it's basically like legalized like bookie gambling now

yeah yeah and from what one person was telling me like they like it better they think they had

they get better chances and it's more fun than just calling a bookie and betting on games you

know putting down numbers right because it's a bunch of bullshit you know none of it's real

it's all imaginary dude so like no matter what you know somebody's gonna win somehow

now yeah yeah so i think vegas is the big one now this trend i think they're arguing you know that

well yeah they're they're saying that um fascinating the the companies that are running

it are trying to argue that it's a game of chance that so it should be no that it's not a game of

chance i'm sorry it shouldn't be run only by the casino industry because it's not a game of chance

it's a game of skill uh because people are a hell of a lot of skill in some chance it's um yeah but

But there is some chance to it, though.

The chances are, like, trying to predict what your opponent's going to, like, pick or whatever to do, you know, to use.

Yeah, but here's what I think.

There's no difference between that and blackjack, you know, 21, or poker.

There's no difference between poker.

Poker is a lot like that.

You've got to anticipate if you're sitting at a poker table.

Isn't it kind of like bingo?

Like, you win something, like, whoever, like, wins.

What do you mean, like, bingo?

No.

Bingo?

I don't think like bingo.

No.

I don't know about that.

um i'm looking here front desk i find it just fascinating dude how it's evolving man i'm glad

i didn't get involved with it i could not have kept up with you guys i'd have been on the loser

team for maybe you would have learned football for real i've been a man you know yeah but i can't

i mean i have there's no wacky with you guys man you guys can keep stats watch games and

yeah all i got on this list here are a bunch of twitter complainers i don't want to go to those

those again i mean just fascinated me once you told me how it really went down man i always ask

questions now because it's just you know incredible how complex it is yeah i got you wasn't there

someone that's supposed to call 10 minutes into the show and i never did let me go back to that

swap shop that was the first one i did there was somebody that was started cussing you right away

at first we wanted to fight with you the hell was that i was it was the motorcycle it was the

motorcycle one right the wooden one or the motorcycle i don't remember it was time yes

Yes, one of them were cussing at you.

Yeah, there was a motorcycle one and the wood one.

He's the one that I figured he knows me because of what the shit he was saying.

Okay.

Did we lose Dwight?

No, we didn't do a comparison.

Yeah.

You don't have a live one from tonight side by side, do you?

You don't have a live one from tonight to compare it to.

No, no.

All right.

Well, this is the first one, a different one.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Well, he's not picking up, dude.

unless it was the case knives

was it the case knives maybe

let's call case knives back

might have been case knives

I think it was case knives

because the appliance was the chick

the jeep didn't go anywhere like that

the firewood that guy obviously didn't go

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message

alright I'm at 4 hours now

just about so I'm going to go

I'm going to call it

thank you for your time Dwight

have a good night see you later bye

do we have wanker numbers left

I don't remember any

do we do them or they don't penis i didn't get any see it oh well wait a minute wait a minute

there's there are some numbers here from neon let me see if there are any wankers in there

there are numbers yeah all right i guess i'll entertain myself

more calls i'm milkman i'm gonna guilt carl

hang on i'm getting them copied over hang on hang on big fat milkman

Robert is a contact name

And he has a Craigslist ad

And that ad is selling two drum dollies

Dollies

You know, like you use to move kegs

And for moving purposes

For moving things

The voicemail box of

3, 2, 3, 5, 7

Trying again

Coming up next instead is paintballs and torrents

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Yeah, hi

You have a dolly? Two dollies?

Oh, a dolly?

Yeah.

Hold on a second.

Hello?

Yeah, you have two drum dollies?

Yeah.

What did you use them for?

They're like to carry drums, you know, like those.

You know, they look like trash cans almost, but they're drums.

You know, they keep oil in them and stuff like that.

I want to carry beer kegs around.

Oh, I don't know if you can carry beer kegs around.

Why not?

The cans are usually a little pretty tall, you know.

I know maybe the blue one, because I got a blue one.

And that one you can probably carry a keg around and stuff like that.

They got like this.

Oh.

Hello.

Yeah?

What were you saying?

I said they got like a metal thing.

A metal what?

Weird.

It's me being weird.

Sorry.

This guy's yelling.

Holy shit.

They got like a what?

I lost an hour.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, no.

Me too.

Oh, no.

Hello.

Puppy people.

Yeah, hi.

The two drum dollies.

I wanted to make an offer, $100, firm.

Excuse me?

$100, firm, I give you.

For what?

For the two drum dollies.

I don't understand what you're saying.

You have, oh, do you have paintballs for sale?

Oh, yeah, the paintballs, yeah.

I was calling on a different one than someone else.

Yeah, I'll give you an offer for those three bags of paintballs.

Yeah, you can call me in the morning if you want to come and see them.

I'll give you $20, firm.

I don't need to see them.

I just, did they have paint in them?

Then we're good.

Mm-hmm.

I gotta separate the red and the yellow ones

because some asshole mixed them up in the picture.

Who did that shit?

Bye.

It is some fucking asshole.

We've seen a lot, sir.

You want to call some cab people out in New York?

Yeah.

They're looking for drivers?

Yeah, let's send them off a bridge.

Please leave your message for...

I'm gonna explain to them

when I want you to drive

until you go off the bridge.

There's another one.

Whistle.

While you're working on that, motherfucker.

Oh, it's already in there, yeah.

Oh, because I've got four Disney drinking glasses.

I'm going to call those first.

Oh, my God, yeah.

I'm just going to say I'm going to break them.

That's all I want to say.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Hello?

Hey, Sex, how are you doing?

I see you've got these Disneyland drinking glasses for sale.

Disneyland drinking glasses?

Yeah.

What about them?

You have them for sale.

Is it $2 each or $2 for the set of four?

No, it's $2 each.

Are they from Disneyland, or was there some kind of promotion outside?

No, they're from Disneyland.

Oh, you stole them?

Okay, are you high, or are you...

No, I don't know, because they...

Why would I steal them?

They seem to look a lot like the Fantasyland restaurant glasses

that they used from 1979 until 1988.

You know what? I don't have time for this.

Yeah, well, I mean, and I can even see the etching on one of them.

She stole them! She's dead!

She stole a set of four in her big fucking purse.

Bitch.

I know they're from McDonald's.

They always have those promos.

She said they're from the Disneyland machine.

They look like those McDonald's pieces of shit.

Actually, McDonald's, when they do their glass giveaways,

there usually is some pretty good giveaways.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, honey bee.

Listen to me.

These are...

Call this number one more time.

No!

These aren't McDonald's?

You sure?

Actually, funny thing.

You remember the glass giveaway?

i have some of the little monks the flintstone ones still oh yeah uh what the bone handle was

the the little grasper to drink from and shit yeah i'm trying to think what else i don't know

there were so many there are a lot of disney ones for sure like every disney movie um right now i've

got like two that like you get a for a while they're like if you just got a large soda they

give it to you in a glass for free or they give you the glass for free yeah and i was trying to

to get a set of four and i went like i guess on the last day of them and they failed to give me

my glass they said they had them and they failed to give it to me and i got so mad i left i got

home like where's my fucking glass i'm like oh and it was the mcdonald's in the ghetto because

i stopped there on the way leaving my therapist office you remember when mcdonald's they had the

whole fucking beanie baby craze yeah give me the baby this one do you have this one yeah they had

the little bitty babies there right yeah yeah milkman were you gonna say something young man

oh yeah i was laughing i was agreeing with you i was doing you remember the uh um do you have

long john so you ever had this around where you guys are at yes yeah yep was you guys around when

they had the big ass beer mugs stein mugs and they had like the boats that were like kind of

like like it's tin tone no that sounds kind of cool these were badass dude it was only like a

couple dollars yeah i had to collect a clue of every piece in the set and they were bad you could

like clunk them things and they wouldn't break best was to freeze them yeah freeze them and then

like you take them as a frosted mud dude oh hi i'm jack tv so busy now you gotta get some

that was high quality for you know oh for fast food place giving that out yeah yeah i mean uh

i mean you know junk food restaurant yeah i put a bunch in there with the uh last four six seven

739.

I only called one of them.

Apparently, it's a leasing agency.

Oh.

What were some of those numbers I had last week?

There were some funny ones, like those infomercial ones were pretty good.

I think you liked one of the cab ones I did when I was talking about drinking and smoking.

No matter what, now you think that's it.

Hello?

Shit, I fucked up.

I'll call back, but I'm comfortable with it.

Don't feel confident, I should say, that they'll pick up.

Dude, we had a juicer last time.

Milkman, what was the name of that juicer?

Hello?

You have a vintage cardigan in gay pink?

Mm-hmm.

It's for men, right?

It's bullish for men.

Yeah, it looks like a gay pink.

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Do you wear it?

I wear it?

Yeah.

Oh, you're a fat guy?

I'm not a fat guy.

How much you weight?

I weigh...

And how tall are you?

How big a boy are you?

I'm 5'9".

You're 5'9"?

All right.

Would you rate yourself as slim, average, muscular, chubby?

Or what?

Athletic?

Athletic.

What kind of build do you have?

Hello?

i'm trying to see what kind of man was fitting in this before stupid bitch all right you dumb

fucking cunt let me talk to the man well he sure seemed real excited he was just breathing heavy

in the phone saying oh yeah he was saying under his breath that he wanted me to text him he was

hurting for a squirt that's funny um yeah the camps are in the main skype chat gay pink milk

man where's that gay pink milkman would y'all choose so that's salmon it's a shade when you

that shade of pink your voice has to go up like three decibels so it looks pretty stylish for

the bag like i'd be like yeah i'm prince look man you're not a prince fan are you you don't

like the prince oh i love prince man he's badass motherfucker yeah hey what's up no yeah hi how are

you yeah hi you got that thing you got the things for sale no i'm sorry oh how did i get a hold of

that person i just thought i was calling back the vintage cardigan weird okay whatever maybe

someone's fucking like they were on some heavy medication no um i did what was that um that

blender was it the nitro nitro bullet or some shit like that you're talking about milkman what

was it milkman says oh yeah no neutral bullet all right yeah that was fun neutral bullet we should

have gotten you one for your birthday oh shit you know so you could use you could put your dick in

it dude i want one of those bad i'm gonna get one i'm gonna fucking shit baby whenever i get

oh dude i've been drinking this shit out of like some strawberry banana fucking concoctions or

something i love that shit you can make some cold soups too really cool you got one no i don't have

one that's what the commercial says carlito's playing this shit back now i'm trying to find

i don't need to hear the commercial the lady was like i don't sorry like a 24 hour fitness special

You're a fucking lunk alarm, dude.

Dude, I laughed my ass off about that call.

Sir, I don't need to hear it.

I'm looking for a new tree in you, too.

What's up with my control?

I heard you.

So what is your consensus on the cause of mass confusion episode one there, Carlito?

I liked it.

Jaya put a lot of work into that, man.

I was real proud of him.

me and him were scrambling for the uh like the last few days to get that uh skype shit done

yeah that worked out pretty good though it's funny he did his look of like like dejection

when he's like oh it's a masked man i told him we're gonna fuck with a roll of quarters

he's like oh no he's sick he was real like no like it was another one that was really good but

but the program didn't fucking record it.

Even though it said it was, like, the file was there,

but the recording never happened.

I had this fucking Mexican dude up, like, kissing his biceps and shit,

shirtless, and, like, fucking rubbing on his dick on the outside of his pants.

And then I'm like, fucking turn the camera.

I'm like, oh, yeah, that's just how I like it and all that shit.

And he was like, what the fuck?

That's cool, dude.

And, like, I like the jazz guy.

the guy listening to jazz really loud jerking off with the gaping pussy yeah and then uh

gi added in oh god built into the background yeah good stuff man um i got the nutribullet

here in front of me milkman let me see if i can get the video up so i got because really did you

get one no no no no i got the the website and the number no i'm serious i really am wanting to get

one. They're bad, man. Those fuckers are

bad. A friend of mine got one.

Yeah. And she's getting all kinds

of fucking relief, even from, like,

um, R.A.

And now, from the makers of the original

Nutrition Extractor, comes...

It's AIDS.

She said they work like crazy, man.

Like, they'll knock you out. You need

to take medicine. Like, if you do

concoctions and just drink it, it puts you

asleep like a baby. She said you don't even need

meditation. Dude, milkman, I could

see a concoction, like, you know, making a

a strawberry banana smoothie,

but then you pour in

like three quarters

of NyQuil or Z-Quil

in that motherfucker, too?

Yeah.

Like three jiggers a buck.

here it is an intrabullet call the one that we've all been

waiting for tonight yeah extractor blades it's like white i love this concept this is beautiful

thank you and pour it through the strainer completely liquefied all that nutrition

everything's been completely broken down and welcome and thanks for calling

You can see just how glowing it is, beautiful.

The real test is always the flavor.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a NutriBlast.

We've taken all of those cells, pulverized them, flipped them inside out,

got all of that juice, all the nutrients, the vitamins.

What's he fucking talking about?

We pulled them inside out.

I'm sorry.

The minerals, the enzymes, the essential fatty acids, the protein.

And now we can actually assimilate and utilize those nutrients.

Because you cut it up into smaller pieces.

You couldn't do that before when you ate them.

It's like juice, but it's different.

Turn this into a superfood.

Listen, juicers make juice, and blenders make smoothies.

But the Nutribullet...

Hi, thank you for calling Nutribullet RS.

My name is Kathleen.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Uh-huh.

In order to make sure that NutriBullet RX is available in your area, may I have the shipping zip code that you're calling from?

32808.

320, I'm sorry, 38?

No, stupid, 32808.

Okay, you threw me off guard when you called me stupid, and I'm really not stupid.

I apologize that I didn't get that.

Now, I said you said 320.

No, oh, my God.

I'm going to have to say it again.

3-2-8-0-8

Stupid

Okay, alright, I'm gonna have to hang up

It's not a bad word

I know, but you know

My pen ran out of ink

Oh, stupid pen

Alright, alright, bye, thank you

What the hell kind of

Customer service is that

Blast a day

And give your body the tools it craves

To increase performance

performance and don't don't don't pitch in it so early man hello and thank you for calling the

neutral bullet rx my name is nicole and to ensure proper handling and quality assurance this call

will be recorded may i continue uh yeah all right thank you and in order to make sure the neutral

bullet rx is available in your area may i have your shipping address zip code please 32808 okay

Okay, thank you.

In Orlando, Florida?

Here.

That's you.

Okay, thank you.

All right, so thank you.

So are you calling today to take advantage of the TV offer where you can get the new NutriBullet RX with free shipping,

a free recipe book, and the suit-making attachment?

Yes, Black Woman.

That's what I'm calling about.

I'm calling for more information regarding the NutriBlasts.

Okay, so you're calling for more information, or are you calling to order the NutriBullet RX with the free shipping?

I'm calling to do both of those, but in the inverse order.

Do you know what that means?

Yes, I do.

Okay, so explain NutriBlast for me.

What will that do?

What makes that different than when I just juice the machine,

make the juice machine with it?

Okay, so the NutriBlast RX has a 2.3 horsepower motor.

Horse!

It completely breaks down food,

so your body has access to 100% of the vitamins, minerals,

and fiber hidden deep inside of food.

All you have to do is drink just one NutriBullet RX a day,

and you can give your body the tools it needs to help fight and prevent diseases,

lose weight, relieve joint pain, or lower cholesterol.

Now, how many NutriBullets can I put in a gun?

So why would you be willing to put them in a gun?

Yes, your NutriBullets, because supposedly they're really good.

They're chopped up very fine, right, the NutriBullet?

so they they cut through the armor and everything really good they get through

okay well once you receive one then you can experiment on that yourself it'll probably go

right it'll probably go right through you right like you're shitting really fast it's all the

shit comes out of you like water coming out of your ass because it's it's already um what are

they called it's all extracted you should you should have said you were gonna freeze them with

the bullets and shoot the homeless solve world hunger yeah when i start they don't like the

cursing here but being silly is okay well you can get one and find out you're in debate by playing

the clip on them dude i love that shit when you start hello thanks for calling all customer

service representatives are busy at the moment a live customer service representative will be with

you shortly troll hello and thank you for calling for the neutral bullet rx my name is lynn to

ensure proper handling hello hello okay i think is that is she the one that i called stupid

because she hung up really quick you're taking my cholesterol numbers that i was gonna have to

be on cholesterol for the rest of my life can you hear me we tried to yeah now i can't i'll try to

address it with exercise and they and neither of them seem to work there is a history of heart

disease in my family there's a history of how you can get them to play the tape on this was a

natural progression of things and it was out of my control that you did it on tivo so you're

They're playing the TiVo back for them.

Well, they picked up and they're hearing you, so they're probably going to hang up now.

Yeah, there they go.

Yeah, you can't talk like that, but I'll try again.

There's a machine called the Vitamix that claims to do the same exact stuff for cheaper, I guess.

Hello?

Hello, thank you for calling.

Yeah, I'm calling for the NutriBullet RX.

Yes, my name is Sharika.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

And may I have your zip code?

3-2-8-0-8.

One moment.

Oh!

Hello?

Yes?

You okay?

I am.

Thank you.

All right.

Are you calling for the TV offer where you get the free shipping, free recipe book, and

soup making attachment?

Yeah.

What kind of soup does this make?

Whatever soup that you want to make.

Will it make panty soup?

Hello?

Will it make panty soup?

I'm not sure.

If you have the recipe for it, you can make it in there.

The recipe for panty soup is four dirty panties, six cups of water, one half cup of ketchup, salt to taste.

Oh, I couldn't get it out.

You should call as Vitamix and battle them.

Motherfuckers is stealing our product.

Is she the one that asked for pea soup last time?

She kept saying the pea stuff.

She said it was two peas, so they kept saying peas.

Pea soup?

No.

Pea people?

Pea people.

so do they actually use these products or are they just like reading from a script or what is

it they're like trying how they get their information they got a pretty uh hectic script

there they use oh okay like i i couldn't tell like the dudes ladies ever say hey they used one

yeah fucking shit man uh here is face fx skin repair device it's faith this is the one that

apparently is in league with the company that the pla used to call several years ago they hosted

This is the Sharp Mop product.

Thank you for calling.

All calls are recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for calling to order the face effects today.

My name is Leslie.

May I have your name, please?

Hi.

How are you tonight?

Not too good.

All right.

What's the problem?

I guess, like, I didn't check the mail until today.

It came today, and I had some blood test results there in the mail from previous.

Okay.

I think that you have the wrong number.

Remember, this is the new order line for a facial product.

Face FX, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay, so, all right.

You asked me how I was doing.

What did you like about the show?

Well, the fact that it seems to treat the hair on the face pretty effectively and easily.

Okay, so actually what the Face FX does is it helps stimulate the production of collagen in the skin.

That's going to help with, like, saggy skin, loose skin.

It's going to help tighten it up.

Is that something that you're looking for?

Yeah, I would like that.

Yeah, for my jowls.

Okay.

My jowls.

I've got like these jowls, you know, like what hangs down on the side of the cheek, on each side.

That's right.

Uh-huh.

Now, have you ever done any kind of professional treatments in salons?

Like pedicures, manicures, nothing with my face.

No, like something that's designed to help with the face area.

No, no, no.

All right.

And I have you calling from 502-158-6596.

That doesn't sound like an accurate number.

What's the best number to reach you at?

It's 502-218-2015.

All right.

And what's your name?

Cross.

All right.

And your last name?

Lopez.

All right.

So let me tell you everything that you're going to get.

Calm down.

You get the FaceFX applicator.

Calm down.

I'm sorry?

Calm down, please.

Okay.

I just wanted to tell you about the package.

Yeah?

Did you want to...

I could have...

Do you work for UPS?

Sir, would you like to order the FaceFX?

I could swear you wanted to check out my package.

Please note...

that you are being processed as a repeat harassing caller.

You should be aware that interstate telephone harassment is a crime

punishable by both fines and imprisonment.

We will seek all legal means available to us

in prosecuting you to the fullest extent of the law.

Imprisonment.

That's what it says.

It sounds like, to me, it says imprisonment.

I don't want to talk about it again.

Was that a real recording?

She played that for you?

They created that for Legend.

legend and that's cool man that's really cool we gotta like save that clip for later man and play

it back to some other place they specifically yeah i know they specifically created that for

them all right now i'm really gonna go i'm starting to crash i'm nodding off i'm gonna go

for real all right milkman all right i was thinking this way if you'd call them back

dude you could like see if they could work on your scrotum

carlito yes yes just letting you and everyone know the uh the trick or treat kids it's live

It's live on the YouTube.

Oh, it's on the YouTube.

All right, I'm going to watch that shit.

It's about five minutes long.

I'm going to put that in my iPad and watch it in my sleep.

All right, see you, Dwight.

Bye.

Good luck with that.

Good luck.

Bye.

That's Dwight, everybody.

Milkman.

Thanks, Dwight.

You want to take us out of here on your birthday?

You want to take a break for your birthday, fucker?

What do you want to do?

Oh, man, dude, I love you, man.

Of course, I'll get you out of here.

Oh, man, thank you so much for sticking up for me, man.

I had a great time.

Don't milk.

I really did, man.

Shame some of the numbers, like, dropped out.

Man, I know you tried hard, man, but really, thank you so much, man.

I want to thank everybody for helping out for the big Halloween party.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

I know I'm pretty simple, but, man, I had a great time.

It's every week.

Let's interact.

Right here on the internet.

That's right.

What?

Yep, that's right.

That's right.

We dropped it down.

We just asked you to give us a time.

Bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy.

You're always welcome.

A madhouse.

The Generalissimo running the show, man.

That's right.

We couldn't do it without you every week, man.

Save my time, man.

It makes a lot of money.

Good thing.

Happy Halloween, man.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, Milkman.

I love you, man.

Thanks.

Yeah, man.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, Milkman.

All right.

Dude, that's the best birthday I've had in years.

Thanks.

In years?

Get out of here.

Dude, I never tell my birthday.

You know I always work.

You're Jehovah's Witness.

That's not my problem.

No, this is like the first time I've taken my birthday off in a long time.

Oh, shit.

Because this is normally a very busy, lucrative night.

So you can't take that.

Yeah, it's Halloween.

It's a big party day.

That's right.

That sucks for you.

But I'll tell you what.

I'm still feeling so good.

I might go out and ride and work a little bit tonight, man.

Fuck yeah, yeah.

Get some in.

Get it in a little bit.

Yeah, man.

That's right, man.

Go out, take a taxi out a few hours, and you're off.

Yeah, man.

Do some drugs in the car.

All right, Milkman, be careful.

There you go.

All right, baby.

Careful, dude.

Don't eat any fast food, okay?

No McDonald's, okay?

Nothing like that.

No, I just had, like, healthy Chinese food.

Oh, yeah, so there's no such thing.

Okay, see you later, buddy.

No show tomorrow.

I'll be back on Sunday.

Good night.

Thanks for tuning in and all that.

Yeah.

Calls (49, 1 h 52 min of 3 h 45 min)

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