Who’s Big Amy?

Well, first of all, who's Big Amy?

I mean, seriously, get real.

If you are the man, do not hang up.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Do what?

Please hold a moment.

Bottle body.

Bottle body, this is Jessica.

guys yeah i see you got this job here jessica i'm sorry i see you got this job posted here this job

oh okay yeah i like to touch the parts in the car and make it go okay you're interested in the

in applying for the position to touch the parts the different parts on the car and make it go

when it doesn't go make it go again okay can i have your first and last name yeah my name first

name is ruben last name is applause applause okay and have you have you sent a resume or an

application in yet well that's i'm calling because it says to call okay um so you have

i accept your job offer what hours will i be coming in okay give me one moment okay honey

please visit our shop for details okay ruben you're gonna have to send in a resume and then

we'll give you a call to schedule an interview oh so what was the phone call for i'm not really

sure i didn't personally put the ad in yeah i know but why would i mean i don't understand

what the phone call is for because that's what it says in the machine on the machine your computer

the machine i'm using the machine to see the the big ad and make it really really big it says

positions available frame tech body tech fire truck slash rv repair tech mobile glass tech

parts manager detailer ac shop health and retirement apply at and it has your email address

Oh, Bob.

I'm calling for Bob.

Bob called me and left me a message.

I need to talk to Bob.

Okay, give me one moment.

Yeah, he's got a big ass on him.

I'll tell you what.

I'm sorry, what was that?

He's nothing.

It's none of your business.

Can you put him on, please?

He told me to call back.

Please visit our shop for details.

Please hold a moment.

Hey, Big Bob.

How you doing?

Pickle will look and drop.

Oh, good.

I was calling on another line because it was taking way too long.

I'm calling you back for that job offer.

I do accept the offer.

When did you want me to start?

Well, you had to go through an interview process first.

Well, you already made me an offer.

No, you had to go through an interview process.

Why?

Who made you an offer?

You did.

Hello?

Sir?

Yeah, when?

You did.

This morning.

Me specifically.

The guy said, hey, this is Big Bob.

I'm calling from the auto body.

You responded to the ad, and we got your resume, and we want you.

to start immediately he said that i had to wear a nice shirt for the first day shit motherfucker

fuck all right so i'm just trying to like get this is what i do like when i look for work i get sneaky

and i lie a little bit up front you know to try to get in so anyway my name is reuben cross and

i'm a really good auto body mechanic and i wanted to get straight to you let you know i'm going to

be sending you my resume and i just wanted to impress you with my social networking skills to

to get in, to talk to you, you know?

That's how bad I want this job.

That's how good I am.

Wow.

Good afternoon.

Auction, this is Amelia.

Yes, hello.

I'm calling back Ms. K.

What's your name?

My name is Ruben Cross.

She left me a message.

Hold on just a moment.

Right here.

Hi, this is K.

Hi, I'm calling you back regarding the job that you had,

the bookkeeper, administrative assistant.

Okay, I don't think I called you.

You did, and I just performed social engineering

in an effort to get straight through to you

to let you know that I'm really interested in the job,

and these are the lengths that I'll go to

to get through to get the job i'm desperate i'm desperate i'm so well fucking desperate that i

yeah i just i decided to you know get in there a little bit more until come on you really need

to look at my fucking resume i don't think that lying is a good way to get your foot in the door

it's not i didn't lie i asked for you that's all you said you were calling me back but i didn't

call you well if you're well you can you placed a public ad in the mail you placed a public ad

in a public free newspaper and it's an email address and a mailing address exactly and the

name of your organization clear in the domain name of the email address i'm smart

i love this idea let's see if i can keep moving it's easy to do they got an email in there you

take your their domain name and it comes up with their website nine times out of ten and they

usually have a contact phone number for the fucking company and i consider her i was trying

I consider you putting an ad in the paper a call out, and I'm calling back, right?

You know the saying, you don't always, if you're in a store and the customer's leaving,

you don't always have to say, please come again.

You can say, please call again.

It's old.

It's more British sounding, but it's legit.

I got this other company's phone number.

The ad is for an administrative or marketing assistant.

So obviously, I'd have to be gay for them to take me seriously as a man going for this job.

And all they provided was an email address, no phone number, no instructions to call.

You had to send your resume, email a cover letter and a resume.

Well, I'm not going to do that because the email address has the first initial and last name.

Good afternoon, I'm calling Ms. **** back.

My name is Cross.

Thank you.

He's not answering. Would you like his voicemail?

No, I'll hold.

I don't think he's at his desk right now.

Yeah, well, I can hold until he's back or you can transfer me to where he's at or something.

I can hold.

Okay, I can transfer you to his voicemail, but I don't know when he'll be back.

No, but just put me on hold for a little while.

Maybe he'll come back.

Okay, sure.

We look forward to talking with you soon.

Please hold on.

I'll just call another one in the meantime.

Maybe he'll be like, okay, fine, put him on.

I'll get him off the line.

We've got one here, but it doesn't have an email with a name in it.

That makes it a little harder.

It's when they have a name in the email that they put that works out great.

Aha, here's one it does.

This is for a body shop place.

Nah, maybe not.

Here's one that's, they gave a fax number and an email address.

It has the name, the full name.

It's for Clerical, National Collections Law Firm.

Experience with Microsoft Word and Excel is required.

They offer excellent compensation package, including paid medical benefits and dental coverage.

Please fax your resume and include your salary requirements or email to schedule a confidential interview.

Oh, it does say you may call.

You may call.

call. So this is a public public publicized number machine. Well, let's call him. Hi.

I'm calling him on a different number right now. Can you hold to see if this is him? And

then I can let you go. Good afternoon. Law office may help you. Yeah. Hi. I'm calling

to speak with Amy. This is Amy speaking. Hey, big Amy. How you doing? Good. How are

you? Oh, man. Not too good. I got my blood results back today from the doctor's office

is. And they found

I guess I'm a little anemic

because my iron count was really low

and they couldn't figure out

why. So they're going to have to put me on an

iron supplement. Hello?

Amy? Amy, I know you're there.

Please, Amy, hello? She was still

there. Hello?

You do realize we have caller ID, correct?

Yeah, well, I'm... Why?

What's the problem? You put an ad in the paper

and I was calling... Well, first of all, who's Big Amy?

I mean, seriously. Get real.

Oh, I'm sorry.

yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry i just and i recognize your voice and i remember you from before what

would you what do you want i was calling about this clerical obviously you need a job hey why

are you being like find yourself a life why are you being like that i've been trying to find a

job for two years now well you're not gonna find one like that how about that you think that's what

the big amy and you're calling and telling me about your your blood your blood work but you

You asked how I'm doing, and I said, well, not that good.

I was just explaining.

Yeah, well, you greeted me with Big Amy.

Let me tell you something.

Do you like Chipotle?

If I were you, I wouldn't call back here.

Why?

Come on.

Seriously?

I mean, how am I supposed to?

I do.

I think I remember that chick now.

She's the one I called two weeks in a row.

And I remember the second time, she's like, Cross, look, listen.

No, Eddie.

She's like, Eddie, listen.

Oh, my God.

I have no idea how to find that now, but that one was a good one. I remember her

Must have called her big Amy. I'm sure I called her a big Amy. Damn

This place is like a revolving door with their jobs. I'll call her back another week and try to be nice to her

Yeah, I must I must call her like every time there's a fucking daytime show my goodness

Let's keep looking here looking in the paper

We're working in the paper machine.

We have one for collections here.

Let's call them.

Their number is public, as is their fax number and the email address of the woman.

Who has her full name in it?

I'm so desperate.

If you think this is crazy, imagine how good I am at working for you.

Sound of the phone.

Yeah, yeah.

I like it better when I sneak it in a little sneaky sneaky.

That's the new shit right now.

That's the hot shit now.

This one has no name.

No, no, no, no.

This one has an email and a Comcast address.

Doesn't really help.

This one says call.

I'm just looking for more that I can kind of social engineer a little bit.

Let's see.

This one has a number.

I'm going to go through these again.

I'm not just throwing these away that have numbers, for God's sake.

I'm just looking for one.

What I'm looking for is no phone number, but an email address with, you know, that I can

deduce what the name is and the name of the business in the domain name works.

Here's one that has, they have a phone number posted.

It's for a counter salesperson.

All right, let's try that.

Call that a while.

I'm from Pennsylvania.

I say a while for everything stupid.

Another call.

There's a lot of calls.

Oh, that's the custodian one.

I'm really looking for Matt.

Matt's my boy when it comes to daytime shows.

He makes them so fun.

So I know Legend already called, tried to get his attention.

I would like Matt here with me.

God damn it.

There's a delivery driver with the phone number.

Good.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling.

This is Joy.

How may I direct your call?

Hi, Joy.

I'm calling back Miss...

Available.

Yeah, well, he called me.

He left me a message, so I need to kind of...

Okay, he just stepped out for a few minutes.

Did you want to leave him a voicemail?

Can I hold?

I'll hold.

I'm not sure when he'll be back.

It'll probably be a few minutes, so I can put you through to his voicemail.

Well, I'm pretty sure he's there, but he's just saying he doesn't want to take the call.

Is that what's going on?

No.

Like, just be honest with me.

If that's what it is, then I'll leave a message.

But if he just stepped out, then I'll try to drag this out for a little bit until he comes back

and maybe even ask you to put me on hold for a few minutes, see if he comes, you know?

Oh, who's calling?

My name's Cross.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

Cross, Cross.

Okay, and what's it in reference to?

He called me back.

He left me a message to call him back as soon as possible that it was urgent, so.

And what's the name of your company?

Cross International.

Okay, well, he currently is out to lunch.

Did you want to leave him a voicemail?

Where did he go?

Sir, I don't know.

I'll tell you this.

Here's what you can do.

Hit conference, dial his cell phone, and conference again.

It should put us all three together to see if he's available.

What is this in reference to?

I don't know.

I mean, it could be on a multitude of things, but we have a service level agreement with you guys.

We have to get this, you know, we have to speak to whoever places the call with us within 60 minutes or we get dinged.

I get dinged on my job, on my evaluation, and we get charged a fee by you guys eventually.

We end up charging less, you know.

I mean, I could get in trouble.

How do you spell the name of your company?

Cross International, C-R-O-S-S.

Okay, and what is your first name?

Cross.

My name is Cross.

Hold on.

Let me put you back to service.

Just one moment.

Okay.

Are you still there, sir?

Hi, honey.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here, honey.

Hi.

Hello.

Who is this?

Oh, hi.

I was holding for Mr.

and who's calling i'm cross from cross international he placed a service ticket with us

we have a 60 minute turnaround service level agreement with you guys just one moment okay

service this is ryan hey ryan i'm calling regarding this job that you have posted okay

yeah so i know normally i would just you know ask some basic information and send my resume

such like that but i wanted to show how much of a motivated individual machine i am and okay that

That I'll go to any length to get a sale, to get something taken care of, to get resolution machines.

So that's why I decided to manipulate the young woman there in order to get through it as close as I could to the gentleman who's in charge of making the hiring decision.

Is this, is that you?

I'm involved in it.

Oh, good.

Good. So hopefully you're you're, you know, seeing that I'm really into, you know, people skills and being really good at manipulation and, you know, getting my way with people.

And I'm going to use that in your in your court.

That's those powers of mine will be at your disposal.

But you can tell me, hey, there's this clique of certain group of workers here, you know, and they're talking this or talking that smack that trash.

we need to bust that up and i'll be like hey what's up you know i'm with you guys what's up

let me know and i'm like a mole the whole time and i'll come back to you and i'll tell you yeah

they're saying this they're going to unionize that blah blah blah you know i'll bust them up

you know that's the kind of alien and i'll still do my job duties but on the side i'm like an

undercover consultant to keep them in line because i'm management material but i don't like you know

i don't like it i like staying on the bottom where the metal meets the meat you know what i

i mean so i i work for management i'm like management secret pawn that's just me i'm the

do boy you know you keep me in the shit basically and i'll do whatever you want i'll break up

unionizations and i'll hear the the street beat on the rumors you know and who are the ones that

smoke pot you know who the ones like to come in hungover i'll find out i'll get you all of that

all right i'll write them all right i'm all up i'll write up i'll get you a whole profile of

the different clicks and stuff if the black people have a click if the you know i'll find

out okay and what position were you applying for um i mean what do you i've got multiple skills let

me go back and uh you see what happened was i had to hear in the paper and you're it was taking a

while to get through so i'm gonna have to get back to that you don't know what page that was on do

you uh i'm not i'm not sure what you're referencing it was an ad it was an ad you know an ad uh who

i'm with lyft right yes counter sale a salesperson that's it yeah because i used to do counter sales

Sales, sales of sales, you know, customer, yeah, client, client to client.

Okay.

Yeah, and I'll bust up all that.

I'll get all the drama for you.

My name is Cross.

Cross, and the number that we would be able to contact you back at?

It's 628-2015.

I'm sorry, Cross, that was 628?

2015.

Okay, and you're applying for the counter sales.

Yeah.

Now, have you submitted your resume or anything online?

I'm about to.

Okay.

Who's Spiker?

Who's the Spiker guy?

Larry Spiker is our branch manager.

Right, right.

So I can work a lot with him.

You think he'd be into using my skills like that?

Like I'm saying, I'm being a front look.

I'm trying to be, you know, a sellout.

I'm being an Uncle Tom here.

I'm coming out saying, look, I'll do whatever, you know what I mean?

I don't think that would be necessary for the position, you know.

Well, you know you need that, right?

You guys are that smart.

You know you need to get, because these guys, you feel like the animals take over, you know.

They'll run the company into the ground.

As far as that goes, that wouldn't apply to the position.

but i'm working on the side god you to apply god damn yeah look come on man really hire me for that

i'll be you know a good counter salesperson but i'll get i'll i'll write you all the stuff up but

i'm just saying you know when shit starts going down i need a heads up if there's going to be this

firing this or these days off problem that you know give me a heads up first really hey what's

up cross you know we're going to be letting some people go keep it quiet but give me a you know

You're going to be the one on the list who's the last to go.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Yeah, because I'm going to be the mole.

Our standard protocol is to put on the resume to the link.

I'm not sure which source you're using as far as that goes,

but follow the link as far as posting your resume,

and we go through a standard protocol.

Yeah, but look, I'm just getting the feeling like you're telling me

that you guys aren't interested in having me as a mole

between management and the workers, right?

That necessarily doesn't come into play with this role or within our company.

All right, yeah, so you're a weak company,

and you guys don't have a handle on what you need to be having a handle on, basically,

is what you're telling me?

I'm not saying I wouldn't agree or disagree with you at this point, Cross.

In reference to the job position, I would ask that you apply for it,

and we look at candidates and kind of go down the line as far as that goes.

Shit.

well fuck yeah i'll just go to the there's some shit in the fucking ad and i'll fill that shit

out you know okay and i'll fucking i'll go from there okay i appreciate your call what was your

name ryan r-y-a-n r-y ryan with a y ryan with an r a lot of times people get it uh with a b

so it's ryan okay yeah all right anyway i gotta go a while you know what i mean a while i gotta

go a while okay all right you'll have a good day then thanks thanks for your call bye then bye-bye

and hey look i got another kind of one week in social engineer this is for a utilization review

coordinator human resources the company is a leading provider of drug and alcohol treatment

programming they're looking for a utilization review coordinator okay and and i have a phone

number for them yeah and and all they gave was a fax number for your resume and an email address

address with the last name oh yeah yeah yeah so even better being that it has a first initial and

last name i'm going to look see if i can find someone on their staffing see if they list their

staff about us maybe sometimes sometimes no it doesn't really all right we're going to be flying

into the dark here with this one as far as gender but i can get around i could just say oh my

goodness i'm sorry that's right i'm sorry and i'll say that i'll say i believe in miracles don't you

I do know she's at the corporate office.

Confirm that.

There's a list of people there, but I don't see none of them, really.

None of them match this name.

It must be HR, though.

My guess is female.

Women's like to be higher.

Oh, hey, hey.

By the way, guys, this has really big no phone calls.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

There's another one that has really big no phone calls.

Please enter the first few characters of the person's last name

or press the star key to return to the previous menu.

Aw, shit, dude.

I don't have a numpad in front of me.

Aw, man.

Come on, man.

Thank you for calling Firetree Limited's corporate office.

I don't have a...

I don't have numpads.

Oh, memories.

Let me see if I can find one somewhere.

I've got to have one here next to me.

Yes, I do have a numpad here.

This old VoIP phone.

Now let's redial that.

Dial one this time and see if I can translate things well.

Because here's the shit, numpads on the phone are backwards, vertically than the numpad on your keyboard.

And that gets me too sometimes, guys.

Please enter the first few characters of the person's last name, or press the star key to return to the previous menu.

Let me get this last name, G-I-A-0-4.

to transfer to this extension press pound or to return to the directory menu press star hit pound

of course why why would it be one fucker we need to start a movement hello is that andrea yes hi

andrea i just wanted to let you know i came i snuck in and i did some research uh to get through

to you because i know you're involved in the hiring for the utilization review coordinator

and I feel like sneaking in and getting through to gets me through to you directly so I can get

to the top of the pack so I want you to make yourself a big sticky note put it on your monitor

there with my name because my fax is going to be coming through in the next few minutes of my

standard beautiful perfect resume and you're going to give me a call back for this job machine

I've got a I've got a bachelor's in business administration specialization in human resources

Okay, unfortunately, that doesn't meet our qualifications.

What do you need then, motherfucker?

Excuse me?

What do you need then?

I got a college degree.

I got a four-year degree.

I have more education than you do, probably.

What do you need?

What meets your qualifications?

Woman?

I'm sorry, I'm not a woman.

If I gay myself out, can I get through?

Excuse me?

I'll be gay for pay.

I'm not going to be spoken like this.

Yeah, you want to whore me out?

Fine.

Because I'm not a gay.

I oversold myself with my bachelor's in human resources.

Shit!

wait a minute it says the minimum qualifications are a bachelor's degree from an accredited college

with a major in oh chemical dependence psychology social work counseling nursing fuck if i read the

fucking article rtfa stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid that one's on me guys that one's on me i

ruined it and i can't call back she's gonna know my name my my my voice that's why i read the ad

out loud i want y'all to know when i do any show especially these daytime shows this daytime show

I literally just picked up my iPad and loaded the classified ads on the local newspaper's app here.

That's all I did.

It's free.

I don't even have to pay for the paper.

I don't have all this paper around.

I don't get the newspaper.

I haven't gotten it.

I used to read the newspaper daily.

I was one of those guys.

When I was in high school, when I was in middle school, I would bring the everyday sports section to school.

Seventh and eighth grade, I did that.

I was always the go-to guy for the nights, you know, that was before internet and shit, you know what I mean?

Like, you had to watch TV the morning before to get the night before sports scores and shit.

Especially some baseball games during playoff season and NBA games in playoff season.

So I was always, everyone was like, oh, Carlos, we're, you know, sports section, sports section, and home, we're in our homeroom class.

Class that we had where we just chilled for 30 minutes every morning.

Got organized and got together.

Never really did, we did some, you know, peer-to-peer mentoring bullshit.

I think we might have, you know, you

could get

a little bit of tutoring if you wanted.

Shit like that. Every teacher had to do it.

I think we called it focus class.

Anyway, so yeah, newspaper.

But the reason why I don't do a lot

of these shows is like, alright, so if I want to do

one, I need a newspaper, right?

Right. I got to go to a fucking store to get the newspaper, the Sunday paper.

And it's always a Sunday paper for the classifieds. Right.

And then it's thick as shit. It's always thick as shit.

And I'm not going to sit there and read it because I get all my news online.

So it's a pain in the ass. And what's been happening with me, especially lately, is I forget to get it on Sunday.

And I'm like Monday. I'm like, oh, yeah, I want to do a show, a daytime show.

yo, I don't have a paper, so I'll go to the convenience store around here,

and I'll ask them, hey, man, do you have any Sunday papers left from last night?

And if they have any left, they might be able to give it to me.

They'll give it to me for, like, 50 cents cheaper.

Sometimes they're out.

But that's what I do.

But it's just a pain in the ass, all that fucking paper.

Then I've got to throw it away.

It takes up a whole bunch of space in the trash can.

If you recycle it, it's still another pain in the ass.

It's just, fuck it.

But, hey, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I found out my newspaper here,

Here, the local one has an app for my iPad, and I loaded it, and it's basically the newspaper for free in the digital form, the entire newspaper.

So I can write here on the classified ads, and it's cool.

There's a button to highlight all the emails and phone numbers here, which makes it really cool.

The only problem is, since it's on the iPad, I have to type it all out when I call, but it's not that big of a deal.

Anyway, I'm just trying to say this is awesome, and now, you know, like, watch.

I got my old iPad back.

i had stepped on my ipad air 2 a few months ago when i was still in a boot a boot i was still

wearing a boot on my left ankle on my left leg for my left ankle um because it was i had just

had an ankle fusion surgery had a really hard time with his ankle it's gonna be two years now

in the next two months or so um but yeah i stepped on the ipad didn't feel it because it was under my

boot and cracked it like a motherfucker finally it finally got it replaced here of about a week

and a half ago and i love this thing i love having it again and especially now like i've just got

this app like right in front of me i'm just i get it blown up really big anyway blah blah blah let's

get to some more of these and matt ever show up there's no matt what about brad brad will be

awesome because i like to do daytime shows with brad i think he's still out out cold right now

it's 9 30 a.m where he's out and he's yellow on skype hang on let me hit him up hey man join me

for a daytime show mother bitch there we go so if you have contact with brad rbcp machine let

him know that i'm looking for him to get on with me and stop being a turtle uh here's another one

with a first initial last name and the email address we have their domain name and a fax

number they did not give a phone number at all good and i gotta go back to there's one that says

no phone calls really big and bold texts and all caps um so let's call them but let's try this one

first this is for jangalo horrible domain name by the way looks like it's an ngo we got their phone

number their main number good good good let me see if there's an about us with staff okay well

Well, we got a name.

I'll go with it's a man.

They're looking for a full-time permanency specialist.

The fuck is that?

To work out of our office, the position will require travel between several counties.

Individuals who are organized, possess excellent writing skills,

and are knowledgeable with the Adoption and Permanency Network are encouraged to apply.

Reply, previous adoption experience is preferred, a bachelor's in social work or related field required.

If interested, please send resume to, and actually we have a name.

Uh-huh.

They just didn't give a phone number.

She gave her name.

So it's a female.

All right, so what can you get a bachelor's in social work?

And let's find out the correct bachelor's in social, I don't think it's a bachelor's in social work.

Let's see.

Bachelor's degree in social work.

There is, it's a BASW, I guess.

Bachelor of Social Work.

Okay, that's what we'll call it.

Here we go.

Wish me luck.

All this set up.

This is daytime shows.

I chop these the hell up, really.

Usually there's all this talking that I'm doing.

I probably won't even be on the podcast.

Just straight up calls.

I just love the opportunity to bug people.

And hey, if you've got a Sunday paper lying around

and you see a classified ad with some phone numbers

or things you think I could call,

hey, hit me up at IRC.

Thank you for calling.

You have reached the administration office.

Please note that our phone options have changed.

It is unavailable.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Zero!

When done, hang up or press the pound key.

Zero!

Thank you.

Goodbye.

That's going to be a great voicemail.

Zero!

They'll probably freak out because it's a social work person.

They think it's a crazy person who's a client of theirs.

Zero!

Thank you for calling, family.

Who's that guy that screams about zero all the time?

Oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, he just called and he's saying zero, zero.

We gotta get him fucking Baker-acted.

Whatever the Pennsylvania term for it is.

Where they force a 72-hour evaluation.

What they did to the dad.

No, nothing.

Come on, man.

Don't be busy, man.

What I gotta do is try to get the fucking dialing right for the name.

Because I had the wrong name.

Thank you for calling.

So we need A-N-G.

the directory. Please enter the

first three or more letters of the

part. Two, six, four.

I'm sorry. There is no entry

matching the keys you have entered.

Sorry. There is no entry matching

the keys you have entered. Fuck!

Sorry you're having problems. We are now

transferring you out of the company directory.

Please hold on for

further assistance. Well, at least it didn't hang

up on me. A lot of those phone trees do at that

point. This is appreciated. Anyway,

what I want to get to is that there needs to be a movement

and we should maybe try

try starting this or the pla you know us all oh my god please leave your message after the

fuck you anyway a movement for a standard people to adopt standardization in the phone tree options

as far as it comes to like when you get to the point where you leave a message let's always make

it one to leave the message two to this three to that you know what i mean or if you want you know

this is there a way we could get some kind of standardization because it's ridiculous

ridiculous here's what i hypothesize i believe that the productivity for a lot of jobs that

especially the ones that require a lot of phone calling back and forth confirmations leaving

messages stuff of that nature we could improve the productivity of a lot of office workers in

the country if we pushed for a standardization for things like phone trees and stuff like that

i guess i mean i don't know it's no we had to be voluntarily but if like when you called and

that said you know so hi thank you for calling cross international we support phone tree usa

or whatever we call it um so from right there you're like all right if i need to get through

to someone i can hit zero and get through all the time right or when i when i get to the point

where i'm leaving a message i can always hit pound to end and one to just send it you know

what i mean you know what i mean guys so standardization would be great one thing that

pisses me off is like when you hear a voice like uh like i said you know leave your message

after the tone but it's an automated voice but when it's the same voice being used but it's longer

with different options at the end um you got i don't i'm not describing it well but that just

gets me too when you're used to that this voice telling you to leave a message after the tone

press pound when you're done um you know and you're getting ready to for that beep after it

says pound when you're done and there's a pause and then it goes press nine to re-record you know

when it's already telling you other options you're like fuck just get to the beep does that maybe you

guys understand that someone please tell me you know what i'm talking about elkie sending me

numbers thank you elkie i'll get to those in a second let me keep going through the newspaper

here but thank you elkie unless are those ads also let me let me burn i had a lot of numbers

in this one and the people here are stupid that live here i'm not going to live here much longer

i'm going to be moving out of this area hopefully soon because there's a lot of mouth breathers up

in this motherfucker let's call custodial positions um that's all i got for that second

shift custodians clean the shit out of the toilet hope you're all enjoying the show this morning

hope you're all having a nice beginning to your week and a nice day hope you guys enjoyed your

weekends and didn't drink too much and didn't get car accidents sorry i didn't make it last night

there's a story to that but it's private but it was good good story nothing bad happened last night

i just was like fuck it hey how you doing honey i see you got custodial position i do have

Yeah, do I get to wear gloves when I clean the shit out of the toilet?

My name is Cross, and I'm calling about the custodial job, second shift.

What time does second shift get off?

I work night, I work third, one place.

Maybe I come in second shift and clean, clean the shit out of the toilet.

You know, mop the floors, you know?

Mop the piss up from the floors and the toilet paper.

Okay, talk to me right. I don't know who you are.

Cross, my name is Cross, and I'm really curious.

I see you've got some benefits packages offered.

Yes, we do.

Okay.

What does that include?

You know, it includes dental, optical, medical.

How much?

A 401K plan.

How much is medical and dental?

It depends on what program you choose.

Which ones do you have?

Do you have a PPO, HMO, both?

What do you have exactly?

Yes, we have them.

Okay.

Which is the cheapest, monthly?

You would, once you're available for it, once you're here after your 90 days, then you would choose your package.

And it depends on what you choose.

Okay, so I'm telling you, I'm choosing the one that has the highest monthly deduction, you know, or paycheck deduction from my paycheck, and has the lowest co-pays.

Which is that one?

I can't give you that information.

Well, why would you say that you have benefits packages offered, leave a phone number for more information, put me in a position where I need to choose if I want this job depending on the benefits?

That's very important to me.

I'm sure it is very important.

So what are the benefits?

You're telling me you have medical.

Okay, good.

What kind of medical?

How much is the cost?

What's my co-pay?

Please calm down because I'm not going to continue this conversation if you continue getting upset.

What's the pharmacy co-pay for generic?

It could be anywhere from $100 to $300 depending on if you're single or if you're married.

I'm single.

Single, no dependents.

You know, so I cannot give you that.

Single, no dependents.

which is come on you have a paper there that has a chart and it says if you're single no

dependence do you pay this much yes it does come on man all right come on you have the benefits

info you can tell thank you so much for calling now if you'd like to apply for the position

bullshit bullshit okay thank you so much for calling all right bye bullshit you okay bye

bye. She can give me that information. Come on, guys. Really? What am I asking for? This is all

the information they give you as a new hire. This isn't private information. If I got a job right

now and I'm looking, I'm going to say, I would love to be the second shift janitor, but I pay

$150 a month for my deductible for medical now. I will jump ship to this place depending on what

What their monthly deductible is.

I'm a single man, non-smoker, no dependents.

What's wrong with telling me what that's going to be?

I need that.

To quote Uncle John, I need that.

All right, let's continue.

God damn, Carlos is on fire.

Carlito, you guys don't know who Carlos is.

Here's a carpenter job.

I'm just picking these at random now because fuck.

Carpenter job, seasoned lead and or full.

All right, let's call it about seasoning lead.

How do you season that lead?

Yeah, I seasoned it, man.

You cut the lead down, and you've got to let it dry for a good six months to season the lead.

It's got to be seasoned.

Construction, Connie speaking.

Hey, Connie.

I'm calling about this seasoned lead.

I'm sorry?

Carpenter wanted for seasoned lead.

Seasoned lead?

How about lead?

Well, I'm a lead worker, you know, plumbing, construction, carpentry.

And I also do all the carpentry work, and then the lead.

You know, I work with seasoned lead, lead that's been seasoned.

Okay.

Okay. That's not what that ad's supposed to say.

You cut down the lead tree. You cut down a lead tree.

You can't just start working with the lead immediately.

You have to let it season. It's just like wood.

That's why the carpenters do both of this work.

You have to season your wood, right?

And you also have to season your lead.

I know exactly how that works.

Okay, honey, but...

Because if I try to connect the toilet with lead that wasn't seasoned,

if I just cut down a lead tree in the backyard

and use it to make pipes for the toilet,

the shit's going to get all over the place.

It's the shit in the water and the piss and everything.

It's not seasoned.

It's going to buckle because it still has moisture in there, natural moisture.

You've got to season it just like you would the wood.

You can't use no new wood to construction with.

You can't do that.

I won't work like that.

Okay, I'm not advertising for a lead worker.

I'm looking for a lead carpenter.

You don't think I could do that?

I don't know.

I don't know what your skill sets are.

You're more than welcome to come in and fill out an application.

application i work i work with my hands and carpentry i got nails and i got a hammer i i

see here i'm not the one that makes that determination you need to come in and fill

out an application for me for it so it can be reviewed oh what do you do are you just a girl

that answers the phone i am oh okay honey so i'll see you a lot right i'll come in and get my wood

and my lead and i'll see you like hey i got some lead here for you oh like that you know and i'll

pointing to my crotch and go back and forth a little bit just like a joke like a joke

uh like money penny and uh james bond i haven't seen specter yet because it's not available on

torrent so if anyone out there sees a torrent a magnet link that i can use for specter james bond

uh let me know let me know drop me a line because i'd like to see that i need that we got the uh

the milk people i pass that place on my way to work every day i don't know if i want to call

them they're silly i'm gonna call it let's call let's try to call amy back let's try to call amy

back at that clerical position that shit was funny it's been a while she's the one that got really

mad nope i used the wrong tld let's try that.com uh yeah i found it yeah yeah oh no wait i can't

call amy she's the one that okay remember she said she would that she would not call back if

she was me all right let me i'm gonna call her back and talk to her and be nice you think you

think she's probably gonna be a bitch to me she'll be like get the fuck off the phone you

You know, I suggest you don't call back.

I'm going to say, hey, look, I'm not going to call you back.

You seem like a cool person.

I remember last time I called you was kind of funny, but I'm not going to bother you anymore.

I'm sorry for she's got a minute.

She kind of laughs about it, right?

Please leave a message for Amy.

She won't answer.

Damn.

Well, next time I'll say, hey, what's up, Amy?

Big Amy.

All right.

Let's do this one that says really big no calls.

Where was that?

Really big no phone calls.

We don't want phone call machines.

I can't find it.

Now I can't find it.

Car washer.

Full-time car washer.

Oh, hey, look.

Here's one.

It's at a dealership.

And they got the first, initial, last name.

Hey.

The Volke.

Volkswagen dealership, which we called Volkes in Puerto Rico.

My uncle and his set of sons, my cousins, they all were big Volkswagen fans.

fans they still have like these all these restored they have like at least two um restored

blue like the old style volkswagens the old style bugs like and really like i remember we used to

drive that shit in the mountains oh that shit was fun man fun to drive around in one of those like

in puerto rico in the mountains and shit where we used to but uh they uh they fixed them up and

they're really nice like they fixed them up you know over like 10 15 years here and there the

the little things they're nice and nice they're nice but i'm liking you really cheap on gas they're

good up there good to use um and then i think like for their regular cars like they get jetas

and stuff like that they're really big volkswagen fans um i used to like hate when people did that

like like there was this one dude um and his dad was like all about ford every car ford ford ford

ford i hate all cars i need fords there's this one guy that wouldn't work wouldn't go to win

dixie he talks oh yeah he was my boy uh my cub scout troop leader my wee blows we blow uh troop

leader and he used to he used to say like oh i i'll go to publix i don't go to win dixie these

are grocery stores in florida i don't go to fucking i don't do that shit motherfucker

motherfucker i think he said that he used to work there when he was young and something bad

happened but i used to be like just let it go because he always brought it up and mcdonald's

was another one he always they always went to burger king when we would go we do these little

trips and stuff and we would stop at burger king every time i remember once someone asked let's go

to mcdonald's it's like no we don't go to mcdonald's and while we're eating there he was talking to

some of the other parents that came with and he's like yeah i'll never go to mcdonald's again i'll

completely i'll go to burger king but it was like motherfucker didn't go anywhere else then he just

went to burger king that was it like that family would only go to burger king for fast food they

They wouldn't go to no KFC, no nothing else.

And no other burger place, no other chicken, fish place.

It was always Burger King, Burger King, and we hate McDonald's.

Fucking those people.

Let's try to call them.

I remember their phone number because I used to prank it a lot when I was in middle school and high school.

I prank called these motherfuckers a lot.

And actually, I was still in elementary school.

I would call the phone number and do the whole thing.

I was like seven years old, seven, eight years old.

I would call the phone number and not say anything.

I would just not say anything or giggle a little bit.

and sometimes he'd go,

I work for the phone company, motherfucker.

He'd say that to me.

I don't even know if it's still their fucking shit.

Let's see.

This guy did work for AT&T or Southern Bell back then.

Sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected.

No one ever took that back.

Yeah, he used to.

Did I dial that right?

Actually, wrong area code.

That's right, there's a new area code there.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected.

Yeah, well, I mean, this is going back a long time.

um but his son uh i'm you know we're friends on facebook now shit like that we're cool we're cool

never admitted to him that i was the one that did that i think he suspected it because he secretly

hated me all he was real mean to me i quit boy scout i never never became a boy scout i just

cub scouts and then between cub scout and where you become a boy scout which is when you get to

middle school i think that last two years fourth and fifth grade you're a wee blow which you wear

the colors of the boy scouts you wear the brown instead of the blue and you have but you have a

different patch system and it's higher than a cub scout i think that's how it worked yeah i was like

fuck that i told the story how i couldn't do the knots and i i found loopholes to get through

without ever having to learn the knots i guess the loopholes exist in case you're just retarded

or something maybe if you're like seriously got problems be like i win the prize kind of boy scout

you know if you guys know what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about um here is a

a part-time packaging operator

position. We have a

first initial

first initial NAS name and a phone

number. I cannot talk right now.

Let's do it. Do we have anyone listening right now?

I know there's one cat listening on Blue Planet.

Hi, this is Kwan. Leave a message

and I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Fuck you, Kwan. My name is Kwan.

Guys, Kwan.

We got a lead retail associate

position. Don't have a name.

It's at Goodwill, it looks like.

Excuse me, I don't want to mess with those guys.

They're doing real work out there trying to help people out.

And here's this, there's a company that puts in a ton of ads

and they all go through to like this one cost.

I guess they're like a, they're a local recruiting outsourcing.

So what they do is they handle up until scheduling the interview.

They vet, they task you up front.

They get you to the point and they usually pick like three or four people for each position, you know.

Or if a company has, like, yeah, we need 10 new customer service guys at our company,

they'll go to this place and say, hey, we need 10 new customer service guys.

Pick them just like the last ones you got.

No problem.

Cool.

Sounds good.

So this company puts the ad out, puts the phone number out.

People call back, send them the resume.

They vet you.

They're a recruiting company, and they have a contract to find 10 people.

Or actually, their contract is just to find XXX number of people for them to interview.

interview so for 10 positions they might interview 20 20 to 30 let's say 20 but if like it's they get

a lot of shit people coming in i'll do another 10 you know maybe enough to fill those 10 positions

yeah that's how it works and that's how that company works i don't want to call them the last

time i called him i played the p sound effect and the guy thought it was really funny he's like oh

my god you're you're seriously peeing right now uh here's fedex let's do it a chat room if you want

to help me out the all i could come up with in my brain machine for today was just this jazz

random jazz random smooth jazz um if you guys want i also have available loaded up a uh puff

daddy his first album from 97 uh everything that isn't like you know not the two two mainstream

ones those are loaded up here or i can play something else i would like to like to play

the jazz tonight today today to be honest with you just like to play the jazz everyone says

everyone says jazz most people say jazz someone says the pesh mode someone's calling on skype

who's that matt hillock matt hillock matt hillock matt hillock matt hillock what's up buddy hey i'm

sorry to wake you up it's a daytime show i always have fun with you and i figured yeah were you

sleeping i was just trying to get your attention so i yeah yeah fucking legend called me and woke

you know i'm an asshole i'm a dick you don't have to do this if you don't want i apologize sir that's

cool you do what you want i'm in the uh the toilet tiny chat oh hey i tried to join tiny chat knowing

that if you were on the show you'd want to be in there but it's yeah it keeps not it doesn't want

to check my camera it says it's being used uh maybe that's something with i have that problem

and then i had to start manny cam up uh-huh like let me and then like then it works yeah let me

try i'm gonna try to see if i can force complete manny cam let's see it's gone i did i closed it

it doesn't show up in the processes yeah change his name to carbon tiny chat all right so we're

gonna go to tiny look at me i'm drinking smoothie what kind of smoothie you got there you got some

some chia seeds in that i got two bananas frozen raspberries uh goji berries and some hemp protein

fucking

goji berries man you know my dad got embroiled in a in a scam

uh selling goji berry juice it was almost like a like a pyramid scheme yeah yeah and it was selling

it and this motherfucker went through thousands and when i found he kept it a secret from me when

When I found out, I went off on him because it was like he spent like my mom and dad's nest egg on this shit.

Oh, shit.

Like he got a fucking Discover card and put four or five, six, I think it was like at least $4,000 on it buying this shit and wasn't selling it.

My dad had a really thick accent.

So he said, yeah, yeah, they call me and they don't want to order after I tell them about it.

Like, yeah, because I listened to one of the calls and my dad's like, hello.

W, W, W.

it's like yeah worse than at least he at least brother carlos is a little you know he's got a

little bit of swagger to him my dad's was like yeah uh yeah you know he's uh goji juice i have

you know and people it's like white people like okay yeah no thank you because he sounds like

he's fucking he's a scammer he sounds it sounds like yeah you're gonna meet this guy and he's

gonna fucking kill you for your shit it's some random puerto rican who's you know trying to

commit a crime you know like oh man like yeah no wonder dad of course they didn't he's like yeah i

don't get it carlo they call and you know when they hear what i maybe it's my accent like yeah

probably is dad like probably is does mom know about this no no she can't know like aha so you

blew thousands of dollars you don't work my mom is on kidney dialysis dying and you're at home

blowing thousands of dollars on fucking goji berry juice right oh yeah man but people making money

off of it man it's a superfood yeah it's mad come on man you look you gotta drink it man

it's sugar-free and i drank it thing it's juice is full of sugar yeah full of sugar

he's like no he's natural and like dad this has fucking corn syrup it's got to it's got

there is no way yeah oh i don't know man like i'm like it'd be a good mixer it'd be a good mixer

you know for some bacardi yeah something yeah yeah yeah but no so that's my dad i am hearing the uh

music on your thing right now um that's not usual tiny chat or on the skype no i'm skype oh okay is

it all right you're okay with that yeah it's all right i'm just saying i don't know if this

usually have it or something was weird i think sometimes when i do a daytime show i don't fire

or up the second machine because it's just me and you

and you don't hear it, but I went all out

tonight, today, I went all out today

and I just showed my desktop

so that, great, now I lost everything

give me a second while I open up my shit

yeah, so I got legend waking me up

at 10 in the morning, sorry dude

Carlito's doing a day show

he said to get a hold of you, I'm like, I don't give a fuck

I'm sleeping, get up and do it

like, what a weird way to get

woken up, you know, I didn't have his number

saved either, so I'm like, hello, this is Matt

Carlito's doing the gay show

I don't like being you're you know cool with each other

Is it like I got your phone number and I'm calling you

Hey man come on let's go like you know

It's like random

You called my fucking phone

Yeah I know but I'm just saying it was just like Carlito

Like what are you talking about

What

Zax was saying he wanted to do something during the day

Today but now he's not around

Oh shit that guy

He sent me something 6am

I'm not 100% sure if I'll be back in time

tomorrow want to do something today i'm just chilling the rest of the day smoking those

marijuana cigarettes oh boy and so that was five hours ago uh okay oh look we got a winter job fair

um i'm gonna do a few more of these ads you're welcome to join in or whatever you like hey the

ends the ends in the house the ends here then all right then yeah the uh whoo it's here for the end

and we'll call this job fair let's play the end in the background welcome to the botnet say we

love you welcome to the botnet we love you oh question now on your intro you've got this part

where it goes to like an asian thing it's like oh and like a woman going oh that's something in

the rappy theme song but what is he has that any idea i don't know he just put it in there that's

I was wondering if that was a thing.

Yeah, that, oh, sorry, oh, oh, sorry, yeah.

And then the lady's like, what are you talking about?

Nobody ordered any pizza here.

Now, what are the, yes, and then what are the lyrics?

Like, da-da-da-da-da-da, what are they saying?

I'm the operator.

What does it say?

It's some foreign shit.

It's like he was way into, like, Russian, like, folk songs and shit for a minute.

God damn.

Yeah.

he had his uh rush his uh zangief zangief uh period there i guess he just went

i don't know what else to call it um this isn't a tiny chat

it sucks that i can't i tried the uh the fuck i tried it again the uh the trick with the um

the restarting mix uh tiny tiny cam yeah whatever it's called fucking mini cam and it didn't work

The way that I, okay, I start Tiny Chat, and then I go to my video, and it just comes up black.

And then I go start Tiny Chat, or whatever, on Manicam, and then it, like, turns on.

That's how I do it.

It's called n***a rigging.

It's just...

Oh, I'm breaking the rules.

Breaking the rules.

We get a few swear cards.

You can do a few.

Enjoy unlimited skiing and snowboarding

and many other great amenities.

The guy is too loud over there

and his options don't make any sense.

What am I calling about?

It's a job fair for the Round Mountain Resort.

Okay, so I want to talk to someone.

What guy is too loud?

The guy on the machine.

Oh, I couldn't even hear it.

I think you might have the sound settings weird or something.

You could hear me.

Yeah, I hear the music.

You've been making calls like I haven't heard any of them.

Your destination for four seasons of fun.

You don't hear any guy talking to you?

Nope.

You may dial at this time.

For season pass and advantage card information.

Cross the wires.

To speak with our group sales office, press 2 to purchase a nightclub card.

The one that I did recently on your show was really funny, man.

It was really good.

All right, so, yeah, let's find out what's going on with this.

Thank you for calling Round Top Mountain Resort.

You can't hear that?

Your destination for four seasons of fun.

If you know the extension you would like to watch, you may dial at this time.

You want to call me back?

Because maybe something weird is going on.

Yeah, yeah, let me try that.

That's okay.

You just call me.

I'll call you back.

Hey.

Hello.

All right, we'll try this again.

See if you hear the dude.

Yeah, your audio is...

Thank you for calling Round Top Mountain Resort.

Your destination for four seasons of fun.

It was super loud.

You may dial at this time.

Oh, weird.

For season pass and advantage card information, press 1.

To speak with our group sales office, press 2.

To purchase a nightclub card, press 4.

For our ropes course, press...

I want a nightclub card.

Is there anything like a player's card?

Yeah, what's a nightclub card?

It's a card that you can purchase.

It's good starting January 3rd, and it's 4 p.m. every day.

Oh, so what do I do?

I can use it to get into the area where the people are getting together?

The orgy area?

area it's for lift tickets lift tickets uh-huh go to samson simpson get lifted man i see where

you're talking about we can smoke we can actually like go into the weed marijuana party hello samson

gets me lifted you there i am yeah you're talking about getting lifted right there are tickets to

get lifted do you have i use my telly savalis players card to get into the casino huh what's

that ma'am i don't know i don't get lifted yeah all right you remember this in the half-baked

movie the get lifted song oh that was the yeah yeah the sir sir smoke a lot yeah he's like i

need to talk to samson fly me to the moon like that bitch alice crammed it he wants to get me

lifted that's so cool he's got the same dealer as us who man stabson at the tone

all right at least we know this shit's working again yeah between all of us here uh did ever

call that fedex yeah did i i don't know fedex here's fedex mad dog 2020 this guy just said here

he said i grabbed the 40 which rip off the skirt doesn't mean he takes the label off of it

maybe is that cool to do like why would you do that i don't i can think of i would take

little labels off of valentine 40s i don't know why your full name yeah your last name

your telephone number that's some uh that's some dos effects remake or remix in it i believe so

i think dos effects is in this song at some point because i think it's their song

i like the one uh i smoke like a fire and i drink like a fish

nice all right so 40 yeah this is the re this is a remix of the 40 in the blood song

i don't know then that's a dos effect song yeah i might have it let's see

uh 40 and 40 is in a blunt yeah i do have it 40 in a blunt track number eight from the album hold

it down yeah let's engage that was a nice album cover they're on the cover with the camo like

leather on and shit fucking dope song yeah yeah this is i smoke like a fire and i drink like a

fish you know those dudes were like english students like real good in school and shit

really yeah smart motherfuckers yeah and they just did all the weird rhymes okay okay that's cool

busting my grammar like cherries

that's awesome all right now the fucking app is acting like a bitch here hang on

oh shit i can double oh fuck with this app i can double tap on the newspaper where the ad is and

and it just shows me the ad by itself in an image.

That's kind of cool.

Wow.

Even in the future, though.

I know, man.

I can't believe it, man.

I can't believable.

All right, let me go to numbers that came in from Elky.

I'm starting to get burnt out on this area here.

Here we go.

I like that so many websites have the numbers,

like just click to call with Skype.

Yeah, true.

It's too bad I can't use Skype.

Oh, why not?

I just get Insta banned every time I try to use Skype.

it doesn't last long i think i'm on some kind of list huh it's impossible if i log into anyone's

account like someone could say hey try with my account i'll log into the account for you

you're on skype calling me right now though no this is we're not calling out i use something

else for my telephone stuff yeah conferencing fuck yeah skype's the way to go it um oh so like

even if you use other people's shit it just it happened yeah yeah someone said hey here try mine

see what happens logged in made one call tried another one that was blocked already he's like

what the fuck like it was based on ip i don't know i don't even fuck with him anymore they i

got too much money lost you know right after purchases were made you know what i mean shit

like that yeah yeah like it's so obvious brad and me it's happened to as well they got to be

flagging you before they flagged you before and say we'll get this motherfucker when he pays again

again yes you know that's where they get you it always was when like i get fucking i'm gonna buy

a year yeah i would buy like you know three months or whatever the fucking one packages and so oh

it doesn't work and you try to it's a chat with an indian guy who doesn't just keeps copy pasting

the same reply yeah it's ridiculous that they have no way to call yeah exactly and no way to

explain it bullshit because they had one tell me once yeah just we just want you know we just i

I finally got to the point where he was saying, yeah, you want to make sure you're not sharing this with other people.

And I'm like, who do they share with?

Based on what?

Was it an IP address then?

Because I log on to it from work.

Was it from there?

I can't explain it.

I haven't shared my account.

Maybe it's being connected.

No, no answer.

I don't know if it's repeated.

Remember for a while it was just when you dialed a lot of numbers, you get flagged.

Yeah, it changed.

And I had some shit where, like, they made me, like, tell who some of my contacts were and shit to, like, prove I was me.

And, like, it was such a pain in the ass, dude.

Facebook's starting to get like that, too, with their names.

Facebook made me send in a picture of my ID.

I know.

You told me that.

But now I heard that they just stopped doing the true name thing.

So I think they got me just right before.

Yeah.

I think transgender people are getting upset.

it was the lgbt community and celebrities too yeah you know like me stuff like that i go by

laugh track mad on twitter and uh fucking instagram dude i got in early with um twitter

and i got madhouse at madhouse nice and you would be surprised i'm not surprised but it is awesome

the amount of misdirected tweets i get at me and if i want i can reply to them yeah and i've had

I had a shitstorm once because I guess there was a clothing store out in the U.K. called Madhouse, I guess.

Oh, okay.

And this is awesome.

It was so appropriate.

They released a T-shirt, and on the tag on the back, you could see that it said, you know, wash, you know, cold wash, whatever, hang dry, or just give it to your woman to take care of as a joke.

Well, it became a firestorm, right?

And then people were tweeting at me.

They were saying, at Madhouse, I can't believe you, blah, blah, blah.

look so there was i started replying back like yeah you know whatever fuck you women shit like

that and there was one like feminist in particular who was replying back to me and she like sent the

tweet to me you know at madhouse can't believe you know your shirt say this is that and i said

i was i was like don't get your panties in a twist honey and she got real mad and she there was a

back and forth for a while she's like at one point she goes so so far at madhouse has called me honey

Honey, Baby, and Sweetie.

What else is next?

And finally someone called her out and said, hey, LOL, you can't see that he's joking at you.

Look at his website.

Yeah.

That was back in 2011, I think.

That was fun.

I get a lot of like, I don't know, like there's a hockey team, I guess, that has a nickname, Madhouse.

So I get a lot of those.

I got to hit the John.

I'll be right back.

Sorry, buddy.

Yeah, no problem.

There's a place in Japan, some kind of comic book place that people check in all the time,

the Madhouse Studio out there.

I get a lot of Japanese people thinking they're there.

There's a few, but a lot of people, you'd be surprised, just hit up at Madhouse.

I should probably try to use that to my advantage.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm really talking a lot now.

We got an LPN, Disability Management Corporation,

seeking a full-time LPN for our pre-certification department.

department knowledge of ms word excel and computer literacy a must monday through friday day shift

full benefits package including 401k email we have a name and a domain and a phone number oh no we

have a fax number so here we go here's an example a company who has only listed a phone number for

a fax and an email address to send your resume to however they give out the name of the company

in the domain name of the email address and they give out the last name first initial of the person

that we're going to be uh sending this to so now we will use our social engineering skills

i'm no brad carter but i'm going to use my social engineering skills uh it says bad request invalid

host name yay so much for that all right let's try to search it locally here then there's a few

companies with this name all right let's reconfirm what is this for it's for a medical company lpn

there's a rehabilitation service here that some people have posted about and indeed you know

those kinds of places. Let's take a closer look at that.

Got a phone number now. Thought I did.

Here's a person who said I was doing work for them.

The boss threatened to kill me

if the work I did didn't work right.

Whoa. Wow.

Another person has a review of

working there. Nothing to do with the center itself.

The guy's daughter-in-law had a birthday party

at the pool I work at.

He illegally parked, backed

into a diagonal spot, got a ticket, and then

tried taking it out on the lifeguards

and myself.

i take it out on the lifeguards and myself ridiculed us asking why we wouldn't tell him

he parked illegally from where we were we couldn't even see the car it's not our responsibility

blah blah so what is he complaining nothing to do with this place shut up i don't need that uh

so we just got the review from one person who says that the boss threatened to kill them if

they work they did wasn't right and apparently it's some kind of rehabilitation service they do

You have a website listed, but it is the one that I tried already that does not resolve.

However, I thought I had a phone number here.

Where did it go?

God damn it, son of a bitch.

All right, let's just search these motherfuckers this way on the Google Maps.

Found them.

Got them.

Here we go.

Oh, one last thing.

Let's go ahead and look up that last name.

See if I can find a reference to if this is a female or a male.

Maybe get a first name.

Let me type that out.

And thanks for your patience.

This is a daytime show.

I got Matty on here.

He's over there taking a shit.

He'll be back soon.

and you know no structures this just got some random jazz playing here off of a shoutcast

station uh one of my favorite it's just definitely my favorite source for like chill jazz in the

background when i'm studying or chilling or doing stuff and it's called what's it called smooth jazz

what is it called i forget the jazz groove on shoutcast i'm sure you can find it on tune in

radio and such all right just looking for this name machine i'm not having any luck i'm just

just gonna go ahead and go with what i got dude poop how'd that poop come out man what up jokers

take a nice shit in the toilet i did second one of the day oh man i've been taking that oralist

ally what's that i'll tell you in a second let's see this piece i'm kind of liking this

yeah hi i'm calling back i'm sorry i'm calling back for miss lois she called me she left me a

message for this job that i applied for okay from are you a trailer job for yeah okay oh yeah what

do you like to know gentlemen i can i can help you oh yeah well um how do how much driving machine

do i do two years two years okay i'm sorry i do i have a two-year working experience i have driving

i have four i have four and i have a good license clean license no cdl big penis i use condoms

I'm really good.

Okay.

You can stop in here.

Okay.

It's 40-f***ing-road.

What's your name?

Bhenchod.

I'm sorry, how do you say it?

Bhenchod.

I don't know.

B-A-H-N-C-H-O-D, Bhenchod.

Okay.

So what you have to do, you have to stop in here.

We'll take care of it.

Okay, and I'm going to come and...

Do you want me to touch you and kiss you for extra?

I'm also recording this, and I'm going to send this to the police.

No, no, please, no.

It's very nice to have them here.

No, please.

You have it on recording, no problem, keep on talking

Ah, Carl, shut up, I'm coming, I'm gonna slap you in the face now when I come there, motherfucker, you

You pussy

Yep, it's on recording, keep on talking

Okay, okay, big pussy

It's all good

Big pussy, the big short Indian

We will take you down

We was one here last night and there's another one coming too, so

We're rested last night

Yep, yep, yep, yep

Yeah, hey, how big are your tires that you use?

How big are the tires?

Keep on talking.

I just need a few more minutes to get you down.

Oh, are you tracing?

How long is the track?

Is there like a progress bar on your screen right now?

Tracking almost complete.

You'll be surprised.

How long does the tracking take?

It's identifying who we are based on our voice prints,

but he needs more voice data.

Yes.

hip hip i'm almost hip almost walking with the police station i'm gonna let you talk to the

police hip oh yes please if you are a man do not hang up you are a son of owl you're son of an owl

your mother gave birth to you on the street like a dog son of owl so what size tires you got on

them trust yep yep i even saw the n clapping all the way in holland

oh yes could you please put the police on i'm here to see a police officer

oh if he tries to do like a white boy voice it's gonna be the best

hello i am a policeman you do not have to touch and kiss this truck guy

sir please don't call police don't tell please okay i'm sorry i'm in the police station i'm just

i'm just a kid i'm just a kid i'm just a kid i'm just a kid please i'm just a kid please

no that's fine keep on talking my friend keep on talking we're gonna be nice we're gonna be

realize don't worry what police station are you at huh yeah how do you do did they give we could

we could call it my friend you get it all you'll get it all can you ask them how long it's going

to be just so because i'm curious because i'm holding you said if i'm man so i'm waiting okay

really well you we're gonna find out now i'm just waiting on somebody

are you at the windows we're gonna hear a police fatality case they're probably gonna arrest you

you know that because you're you're fucking what are you gonna say to them

i have people calling me about my tires

please help please police they're calling me about tires they drop and he say help to me

and an owl.

I had the whole conversation recorded

from the beginning.

I'm an owl.

You say I'm an owl.

Poot.

And why they say I'm an owl.

Why?

And then you will cough up a pellet.

And they're going to say, sir.

And look at the fur and bones.

Listen, Matt, they're going to say, sir.

Okay, Mr. Crazy.

The guy's going to be like, yes,

and he's going to be snapping his finger

like that in the side to the other guy.

Like, we got another one.

We got one.

and they're gonna call a special a special group is gonna come see you you know

they're they have jackets that say ice really big on them oh don't you hate when you go to a

website and it has that ice thing yeah fucking hate that shit is he still in there or did he

hang up he's there there he's still there hello son of owl i'm still here why are you why are

you doing this so you're just gonna stay with me on the phone the whole time because you're not a

a police you're not a police did you really go to police station say i want to talk to the police

they're gonna lock you up goober yeah you better look i'm just trying to be nice like friend like

family now look you need to get out of there because they're probably calling special person

to come talk to you yeah they're getting a 51 50 yeah yeah they have a special jacket they put you

in where your arms you can't move them that's what they're probably getting ready right now

sit of a gay jacket they got this chair that they strap you in you know they're probably

get the chair get the restraint chair we got crazy we got a live one oh i feel bad for people

in that goddamn restraint chair they never look happy yeah look i don't want to see in the

restraint chair if you get out now and just go home and they'll come to you maybe and you say

hey look i don't know what i was thinking you know i pray tell them say i was off my meds i was

was under a lot of stress yeah stuff like that come on look i'm just looking out for you i don't

want because they're gonna fuck you up man and don't do that it's over a phone call because you

put an ad in the paper about driving job and that's what i want is driving job that's the only

reason i call why are you at police why you want to do that why please no i'm with you a few more

minutes oh my god what did you say he's the cop i'll be with you if we want minutes

oh wait you're the cop no this is the quietest police station i've ever heard i know usually

there's a lot of activity phones people yelling uh typewriters like yeah and there's like a

A towel tapping the back going, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

And then you hear doors slam, ka-ka!

Yeah.

Open up holding cell!

Maybe he's got some sound effects.

And there's always some dude going for no reason.

Like that.

He's in jail.

Yeah.

People just yell in jail.

Like,

you know,

they just like,

ah,

police station.

I'm trying to get the sound effect for this guy.

I'm trying to help him out.

You know,

here we go.

Let's see.

This does it.

There you go,

guy.

What is that?

Somebody playing pool.

it's this police station general ambience oh okay oh he is in a police station i hear the

ambience you see it now now he is he is sir sir i believe you now i don't think this truck and

outfit can be very busy being he can waste as much time yeah all right let's call the next

one when we keep him online what i did was i called the wrong number so i don't even know

where that guy's number came from he's got a driving shit machine so here we go i am almost

done with smoothie oh there's the phone oh he's fun his phone that's right remember i said that's

that was the fax number and i said i had the real number i was gonna call but somehow i got this

fucking other guy all right let's get that again i lagged a little bit oh dude that was fun sir

he's still there by the way just let you know be careful hello sir son of owl be careful what you

say yeah that definitely was the wrong number i put in there must have been another ad i just

typed at an accident i'm just not paying attention not focusing my sugar's low here we go you should

have some of the goji berry oh no that doesn't have any sugar in it you know your party's

extension or at any time during this message we'd like to she sounds very sensual hey this one um

call has been calling me back for a few days this narc weed for 420

left me a message

this guy's been calling

he was in some like big group

that y'all were in the other day

it's one of my

it said he created a group with Dark Stranger

hang on I'm listening to names give me a second

guys sorry

thank you Matt I understand

confirm 10-4

good afternoon this is Lois how may I help you

Lois hi I'm calling you regarding

the LPM pre-certification

department position i know you put down you didn't you guys weren't taking phone calls on this i

understand right right well i want you to see how you know motivated i am and i did all the steps

and did my research on hoover and um i want to work for you and i'm the best person so you know

if you can imagine how detailed i am with pre-certifications how important it is to get

that authorization for the what we're providing to the patient machines um i want to be able to

to get through to, you know, the adjusters and nurse case managers and LPNs,

whoever it is to get approval and authorizations and pre-certify the shit motherfuckers, you know.

So basically I'm just trying to, now I have a few questions for you for an exit survey for this phone call.

Number one, would you consider my phone call here a good way to put myself at the top of the list

after I send you my resume in three minutes?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay, I'm hearing dead air occasionally.

Oh, well, can you rate my phone call to you from 1 to 10, 10 being great, 1 being not so great?

Well, no, I don't want to be put on the spot with that.

I would like to just, if you would just forward your resume and I can take a look at it.

Okay, all right.

And I'm willing to work hand-in-hand with management in an effort to undermine groups and cliques of workers who are organizing themselves and causing problems with productivity and group cohesion.

I basically will be your mole.

I will report back on different cliques of workers and what they're saying and doing and not doing.

i will especially look out for anyone who's attempting any unionization or organ collective

organization i will bust that up for you i will be your man on the inside and all i ask for that

well i will ask you for what i want for that in return later okay would you be interested in me

like i will i will you know i'll be a sellout i'll be your uncle tom you know i'll dance i'll

shuck and jive whatever you need me to do um to get on their good side you know to get on their

good side basically i'm sorry you keep fading out if you would just and what is your name again

please cross ross cross cross c-r-o-s-s yes is that your first name or last uh really that's just

me that's my name cross everyone calls me cross okay cross if you would forward your resume my

first name is ross okay okay okay so i'll forward that to you now what do you what do you think do

you think this kind of puts me up a little bit higher as far as you know when you see people

People coming in, you're going to be like, oh, there's Cross's resume.

Let me look at this.

You know what I mean?

He has full attention to every resume that comes in.

Oh, you can't pay full attention to every resume.

Not in this economy.

Actually, I do.

Well, that's good.

Wow, you must really, you don't have anyone else who helps you out with that?

You're doing it on your own?

There are two of us.

Are you guys getting sub 100 per post, you think, on average?

Are we?

I'm sorry.

What's your APM?

Answer per post.

APP, I'm sorry.

Um, I don't to get into all that, but if you would forward your resume.

I get about two, I get about 250, um, here where I work right now when I put out a job

posting, about 250, my AP, APP.

Okay.

Yeah, it's, yeah, you can't, I mean, for us, we can't even go through all these goddamn

fucking resumes, man.

It's like, there's so many people looking for work in this shit.

I end up, you know, really looking for the, I mean, grammar, uh, if it's a woman, if

if they include a picture, how big their breasts are, things like that.

Okay, Ross.

Ross Cross.

I'm going to have to end this conversation with you.

All right.

All right?

Okay.

Can I put my brother-in-law, he's kind of my handler,

and he encourages me and coaches me with my calls.

Can I put him on?

He might have a few more things to close out the call on our end here

so we can close this ticket out, okay?

Okay.

All right, Matt, go ahead.

Hey there, sugar tits.

You gonna give Ross Cross the job?

Who is this?

This mad fucking hillock lady.

You giving him the job or what?

Cookie man.

Yeah, it's the cookie man.

Cookie man.

Cookie.

That's odd.

Are you having a good time?

Oh, yeah, we're eating cookies.

We're smoking pot and we're doing mutual masturbation.

Oh, fabulous.

We're coming on the cookies.

Whoever comes last has to eat the cookie.

Eat the cookie.

Yeah, cookie.

You're going to eat the cookie.

We're going to play with you, and you can't come.

You're going to lose.

You're going to have to eat the cookie.

Eat the cookie.

I have a job to do.

I appreciate it.

You sure do.

Eat the cookie.

That's your job.

I'm going to have to say goodbye, okay?

Bye, honey.

God bless.

Bye-bye.

Labia.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

The fucking Cookie Man.

You think she met Cookie Monster, but it came out Cookie Man.

Maybe she had, like, imaginary visits from some guy called Cookie Man

that would take her to Cookie Man.

They would go to Cookie Land, and they would all eat cookies and a river of milk,

and she thought it was real.

Cookie Crisp cereal has that dog and that cookie crust.

fucking cookie cookie crock yeah yeah cookie crook yeah yeah the fucking dog kick the shit

out of that dog right in the chin that big chin of his that's his weak spot you kick him right

in the chin fucking put him in the stratosphere that's the shit i want to see oh fuck that was

good and that miss piggy i want to kick you're blowing her mind to it since she didn't want to

say yeah rate the call the cookie man i'm fucking crying dude oh shit that was good i'm glad i got

that and then the the driving guy hung up in the middle of that oh well he's hopefully he's being

sodomized this police mission right now you're like all right sir you gotta give us a phone

what what are you filming us unless you're doing shit here you think you had us on mute and they

were just all listening to oh yeah we're gonna find out who this motherfucker is oh yeah and

the second he heard matt fucking hillock they're like got him well they're already gone for the

mad help yeah so we're okay there that was good it's good stuff man that's that's me social

engineering to get through they hate it they hate it because they're like i we don't want phone calls

oh hi i'll call my group what you do it's like all right desperate man you're on the bottom of

the list now right you're going into the trash file that's what they file that under g for

garbage yeah they do with bills they really they take here's what they do they take us uh they take

a post-it a sticky note right now and they write down cross on it and they stick it on their

monitor or their phone or something yeah and when the faxes come in and they're looking through and

they see cross that their plan is to see cross and throw right in the garbage they're gonna

probably read it though they're gonna read like who's ross i want to see who this motherfucker

says he is i should i should follow up with the facts from the from cross yeah like

i gotta start following up with faxes from cross man this is some weird a weird fucking resume

resume like a like drawing yeah listen i don't know if you know what i'm talking about or what

i'm hoping is someone out there knows what i'm talking about can give me a copy of this

sometime around 97 98 i received like those chain emails you know the funny ones though like for

some dudes like i send all the funny emails all the people yeah there were quite a few of those

lonely guys but one of them was like here's a resume that some guy in san francisco got from

From a really drunk, delirious homeless guy.

He was giving out copies of his resume.

It was like four pages.

And it rambled about Ronald Reagan.

And all this crazy shit.

It kind of sounded like Crazy Fucker.

If Crazy Fucker.

I don't know if you know who I'm talking about.

Crazy Fucker who used to be on the show a lot.

If he had a resume for everything he's talked about.

It would be that.

It floated around.

And I can't find a copy of that.

I would love to use that and email that.

And Fax said, as my resume, when I do these calls, just change the name to Cross, you know, like Ross Cross or something.

I mean, have you just done searches for, like, crazy resume?

Yeah, and it's been a few years, but I do know the last attempt I had, all I could think was, you know, crazy resume bar Ronald Reagan.

And that's all I had to go with.

So if anyone knows, Matt, do you remember a 1980s-ish song that I used to talk about a lot that I remembered and I could hum the tune,

but i couldn't figure out who sang the song right well um i don't know if the maybe many

maybe some people a few years ago maybe about two years ago it was a show where i was on i know

dwight was on uh evil already was on and such and i said yeah there's this song and i'm gonna sing

it and i'm gonna hum it now so someone knows and no one knew what i was talking about i just said

it was an 80s song that sounded like a phil collins tune well can you hum it at all yeah

Yeah, it was like, dum, dum, dum.

That's how I sang it back then.

I know what it is now.

I'm getting to it.

Oh, okay.

You have any idea what that would be?

The song would go, dum, dum, dum.

No.

No one knows, right?

Yeah.

All right, so here's what I found out.

Let me see if I can find it.

Hang on.

Shit, what was it called?

I was doing it totally wrong.

That's why no one knew it.

No, I was doing it right.

I'm just fucking with you.

I was doing it right.

Now I forget the title of the song.

It's on my Google Play thumbs-up playlist.

when I find songs that I want for the show

I just mark them with a thumbs up

and whenever I do

right before I do a show I just go through the list of

recent songs I've thumbsed up

or if I hear a song somewhere

I'll pull it up in Google Play and thumbs it up

so I know hey that's the fucking song

anyway so let's see what the name of the song is

no it's not that one

Dun Dun

yeah fucking

I found it okay

you didn't really hum either you went Dun Dun Dun

well that's how it goes

i'm singing i could go no one's gonna know what i'm talking about this is the song right here

and you i mean i was amazed but i thought it was phil collins to me it was the phil collins

sounding song or genesis i was way off tell me if you know what it is at some point oh yeah this is

um that is in these dreams ain't it it's live to tell by madonna oh i thought it was

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the fucking, I know.

Dude, I searched for that song for over a decade.

I knew this tune, I knew it was 80s, I thought it was a Phil Collins or a Genesis.

I went through all of Genesis and Phil Collins' discography-related artists.

I looked for this for decades.

Never could find it.

And I finally heard it.

I was at physical therapy one day, and they have it on a Sirius channel.

Did you just go nuts?

I did!

I was like, what song is this?

I was on the treadmill.

What song is this?

The guy's like, you don't know?

Madonna, live the town.

I need a post-it note.

I don't have anything to write with.

Quickly.

They're like, okay.

He's okay crazy.

Calm down, weirdy.

Yeah, but it had been at least 10 years

that I couldn't figure this out.

There's another song like that

that took me a long time to find.

What the fuck was it?

Oh, yeah.

I can't find it.

anyway let's play the rest of this this is a dope ass song it's madonna she had a lot of good jams

back then she did yeah yeah totally yeah all right so we got more numbers here from elkie these are

more jobs so we can continue down that way did you want to jump in like i don't know do you not

like the job i'm cool i'm just i'm like laughing hanging around i'm cool man i might crack a

fucking brew yeah here's another song that took me about a decade to figure it out and the same

way it came on serious and i like looked i was driving and i made sure to write it down and it

was kind of i remember it was kind of scary um but i was so excited when i did it this is about

eight years ago that i found this one it was another this i'm gonna play it next year oh well

i don't get a beer i say it was coming up here it's a wham everything she wants i had this song

on my head for like a decade and i would hum it to people like i have no idea what you're talking

talking about yeah this is a cool song too i was really proud when i found this one we'll play this

out here while i call the next one let me go to the list here's a man taking a break actually from

that matt's getting a beer i believe a big man wheelchair a wheelchair for a big man okay i mean

that's probably for me uh this is up in little rock home of oh this is uh yeah i know this song

she wants machine this is some george michael yeah yeah yeah this is wham let's just so are you

hey wait a minute i almost forgot did you get engaged is that for real oh yeah yeah man

congratulations and the question everyone's gonna ask is you get a date yet you have a date

no i didn't you know what as whatever i i just assumed we were getting you know we got these

rings and shit and then she was like because i mailed her the ring to get resized and she's

He's like, you just want to, like, put on Facebook that we're engaged?

And I was like, uh, yeah.

That's a cool way to get engaged.

Yeah, it's real casual.

That's a very earnest.

Buy some matchable killer murder rings.

That's a very earnest thing.

Look at you, man.

Look at you.

Go in there, the 27th.

Matt, I will be honest with you.

Maybe, like, New Year's Eve, like, three or four years ago,

I remember I was counting down to midnight.

I was out.

I wasn't doing a show.

And I was messaging Brad.

I said, hey, it's 2011, whatever.

2012 do you think matt's gonna make it to 2013 it was kind of mean it was kind of mean but and

brad's like i hope so like you know because we were kind of yeah i was i was going down a pretty

dark path man you're doing really good now man and yeah but remember this song listen to the

lyrics of the song the woman wants everything she wants and she'll make you you know you get

this is very important for you to get down and we're gonna have a bachelor party uh i'll be

be awesome you're probably gonna get married like were you going there in christmas right

no but she's she wants to we're gonna do it here just like city hall or something oh usa

citizenship yeah and then because she says it's kind of like a big process to get hitched there

he can't just like go to a city hall yeah and then she can get american citizenship and that's

well but they they'd see they get mad about that like if she's just trying to come live here and

shit she's just trying to because like i'm planning on eventually going there no dude like

my my friend my best friend andy he my best man at my wedding he he met a woman from philippines

or something and she came and they hit it off and they got engaged married and she's fine yeah you

probably got to get her pregnant too if you get her pregnant these days with this whole dreamer

thing you got her there's no way she can leave there she have a she have a baby machine in the

united states with you i want a fucking baby i know you don't but i'm just saying

on a baby machine but if it gets down to the shit if like you know the republicans win you don't know

man they might be like how you whispered it yeah that's that's like somebody like you know this

neighborhood used to be good until all the moves in but you don't know what i said i i i did the

shaky shaky thing with my hand the left to right with my hand you know so republicans yeah yeah

On Kirby Enthusiasm, they call them

R's, I think, or something.

And they do that like,

are they conservatives?

I like your union

bus thing.

I keep it real, man. Come on, let's get

down there, right?

I don't want to fuck around.

When I used to be in the

telephone workers

union, we'd go

to these union meetings and old

VFW halls, and I would

hang around with the old like unit president and get all drunk like after hours and be like

hey woody you ever need some old-fashioned like unit shit like trucks burnt or something

i'm the fucking guy trucks burnt i'm willing to bust up unions for you

yeah hi you got a big man wheelchair all right sorry so oh fuck uh how big how big a boy are you

What?

How big a boy are you?

Oh, I was going to offer my...

I have clothes.

That's all.

You know?

Because I have some clothing.

Oh, they're too big for you?

Dude, I've got jeans that are two sizes too big on me right now.

It is ridiculous.

And they're the only jeans I have.

I'm holding out to, like, plateau.

Hey, listen.

I lost a lot of weight.

I've got a lot of jeans and stuff that are too big for me.

Maybe you can get them.

How big a boy are you?

I give them free.

I'm just saying I don't need them.

I'm trying to help out, because I know what it's like to be a big man.

You're a big man.

But it's a big man wheelchair.

That's why I told it, because I wasn't big.

But who's the big man?

Is someone out there, you know, big man, big and tall?

I assume it's someone deceased.

Well, I got Rob Florin, Tommy Hilfiger.

I got some expensive stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, why don't you give them to your mama?

Hey, motherfucker, you don't talk like that to me, motherfucker.

I'm trying to be nice and give you some free clothes, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

Well, fuck you, you fat motherfucker.

motherfucker fuck you fatto fatso fatso fatty eats too much you tub of lard a bunch of kids

yep yep yep fatty eats too much i heard you went to a restaurant and ate all the food in the

restaurant they had to close down the restaurant take that fatty are you gonna go we're gonna go

down there and you're gonna poke us with your your reaching stick or your washington oh what

He had the muumuu, the hat,

the reaching stick,

the thing that hits the up and down.

Yeah, like you guys

with your

girth, you know,

traditional clothes.

We have a wide selection of judicial

and collegiate robes.

I don't want to look like

a weirdo.

Go with the muumuu.

I had the action figure,

him and the muumuu.

really is there one yeah yeah oh i got a barney and a mo with the phone you know and i used to

put it out on my cam when i used to be on a uh fucking uh syndicate radio we had video and i

used to it was always i always said that little figure no juxtaposition a lot of them but that

that homer and the fat guy was my favorite that's awesome well um my favorite character in the

simpsons is barney and that was bought to me my my friend uh eddie bought that one for me for my

my birthday one year he's like hey man it was hard to find barney was hard to find in the states

he found me a mex uh i guess it was in spanish i don't know if it was spain or mexico he found a

version online say hey man if you don't if we're gonna if you're gonna i wanted to i don't keep

them in packages i just i always yeah i open them too i pose them and i leave them out like little

posed little figures i put them to work i'm not gonna resell them fuck it i'll give them away

i think that's stupid at some things i kept i kept very few things in packages because the

packages were so cool like i had a pink gay stormtrooper it was like a bootleg toy and it

said like you know time has come gay troopers and it was like two standing back to back on the

package well i do have cool i i do have a signed r2d2 signed by kenny baker um that's in the package

still and it's in a bag and i'm probably going to give that to my kids or or my nephew if i never

ever have kids because i had a black smurf in a package too a black smurf like yeah big red lips

uh no it wasn't that like that it was that because there's like one thing but they turn purple in the

comic book that they're like evil it's kind of like a rage virus or zombie thing they get

they're called naps or some shit god damn so this is some customized motherfuckers

i used to have so many toys man that's that's the one thing that really kicked my ass about

losing my storage you lost that shit so many fucking toys like and i even like called the

place when i knew they were going to auction my shit off and i was like could you just make sure

whoever gets the stuff like uses it doesn't just throw it all away anyway look get either her

american citizenship because straight up this is my best time to do it right now please leave

we'll see it's the best time right now i'm just saying you don't have to lower all right i'm

sorry roping horses here we got uh here we got uh warn them about here's the oh these are from

parkman uh warn them about your loser horse that didn't win and how you tied it to your car and

started driving yeah that's right i talked about that on a on a recent episode where i said i was

gonna do that to my horse he's gonna tie him by the back legs to my truck and i was gonna drive

off he goes you'll kill him that way the horses will be tied by rope to the bumper just on their

back um back legs and then i'll just start driving and it'll drag the horses you'll kill

them right that way that's what he said oh wait fucking loser that was about two weeks ago yeah

that's a good that was a good jazz groove coffee it's just one of the gifts when you contribute

help preserve commercial free jazz just click the support us button on our website

I've been rocking some Sade, a full album.

Everyone, that's thejazzgroove.com.

I do use their shoutcast for these jazzy shows.

And, yeah, definitely go and subscribe, especially if you're a jazz fan.

It's a really, really good jazz stream out there.

And it's on TuneIn and everywhere, you know, all the other normal offenders,

if you want to get, you know, streaming radio on a phone or a tablet or a computer.

They're out there.

Just go to jazzgroove.com

and get all the links.

Just like if you go to

prankcallnation.com,

you get all our links.

Go to W-W-

Dude, nobody wanted to

get with me on that

calling Brother Carlos

on Halloween, man.

Uh, really?

That sucks.

Was he taking calls?

Me and DS did something

way early in the day,

but we weren't very productive.

And then nobody got on.

Yeah.

Because, like,

I couldn't hunt down

the number of that building.

because that i that brother whatever has like just he does www even crazier than brother carlos

on his thing okay all right really crazier than that that sounds great it's like scammers dude

yes totally totally taken advantage you know when when i saw the the the tits for me was the um

the devil in the handcuffs thing that you you posted for me once man i was like that's it dude

dude, I think you put that on my wall.

And I was like, yeah, that's fucking bullshit.

Like, they got some guy and he's like,

devil, come on, come on, devil.

And he said, you're handcuffed now.

That guy's hands are cuffed.

He's going like he's a fucking zombie.

Did you see, I sent a new real short one to you.

It says like, do you got demons?

Question mark or something.

And it says like, do not watch if you're young

or have a bad heart.

And then it's like, just a still thing.

thing and then he goes like demons you got demons like yells right in the camera and then he says

like that like i think you got demons or some shit god fucking psycho so weird dude and i i just

imagine him just juicing like old people and immigrants and shit i know like what money is

this motherfucker getting off of people you know that's fucked up any of it is too much it really

he is man you're right because i could see him like really like fucking with people you know

that's what these cats do yeah that fucker yeah exactly like there's this one guy have you ever

seen idiocracy do you ever see that no not idiocracy i'm sorry um oh fucking the guy

it has the hbc hbo show very liberal um fucking oh yeah the ridiculous religion

religion religiosity something dude no that was great i didn't see it though that is a great

documentary uh you know now i want to watch it yeah yeah real bill maher thank you yeah um he's

a little out there sometimes but the religiosity whatever it is it was really good and they

interview like and there's a ton of these fucking especially like hispanics and black communities

and stuff they got a lot of these but the guy who says he's jesus come back he lived in he was a

a prisoner in puerto rico and on heroin and he found out revealed himself in prison that he was

jesus and he and all his followers put 666 on their forehead and on their hand they tattoo it

um

they say

the antichrist thing is

a lie that was put in the bible to hide

the fact that Jesus was

they said that Jesus would return

but the

establishment

of religion would

say that he's really the antichrist

and it's this guy

we are the antichrist

jesus yeah and this guy has tons of money but dude bill maher like interviews him and the guy

he's got like a nice suit on fucking jewelry on motherfucker he's he's like yeah dude and he

starts interspicing it with clips from scarface oh shit oh dude yeah i got one i want to yes

everyone really i don't know if it's called religiosity religious oh did did you hear that

That Gunnar Hansen passed away.

Gunnar Hansen.

The leather face from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Oh, really?

No, I did not.

He's a very nice man.

That's why I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of me and him.

Is that who it is with you putting your head on?

Yeah, that's leather face.

That's awesome.

That's awesome, dude, that you got that picture.

It's awesome.

He seems like a cool dude.

He let you do that.

Yeah, we sat in a hotel room and drank beer for like an hour or two.

No kidding.

kidding yeah i sat on a bed because everybody at the party was drinking shots and then he saw me

drinking high life and he said man can i have one of those that's more of my style and i'm like

are you fucking kidding me you can have them all dude yeah your love face and just sat on a bed

talking to him it's religious religious actually i said well you got a problem god have you watched

jesus camp you believe in evolution jesus camp no no have you seen my husband my husband is gay

have you seen that i think that's what it's called where my husband's not camps really good it's just

all the kids like crying for jesus and shit it's like kids that are getting suckered into this

stuff oh man for jesus yeah wow and like there's a lot of like like men in this group and you just

think they're all there to fuck these kids oh like why else would you be there all right here's

a replica Picasso painting

for sale.

An original Picasso?

A replica.

Get it, Matt.

Get it.

Is it real?

I'm going to think it's real.

Yeah.

Hello?

That's crazy.

Sounds like a deal.

The suggestion for this prank

was say we are Picasso

and that they're

copywriting our work.

I'm Picasso.

You're nice about your suggestions.

I'm Joe Picasso.

My suggestion is like,

why don't you do a fucking show?

you shy dick get on the mic yourself with your suggestions i'm like mean oh that's the guy he's

getting the numbers though buddy i know i know come on guy hello hello hello son of owl hello

beep bop beep boop boop whatever

asshole i'm not gonna call that number back fuck it too christian for me romance novels

hey can we call the truck guy back about the police activity oh yeah but oh who knows which

number okay let me know maybe i can figure it out this would be interesting let's see i think i

kind of remember what i dialed it was an 800 number with a look i don't know shit that's my

bad for not making a note yeah it's all good yeah i really want to call him back though

drivers i think it was this one here this is drivers really big loss but no well they didn't

have a phone number so no is that the one you said it was a wrong number yeah yeah it was okay

here we go transportation uh this is the one i said it had two numbers and it did it had a toll

free number and a local number that is it this should be it here we go yeah scenario you gotta

talk to him this motherfucker sure let me change the caller id hang on man the one job i had when

when I would go back

in the warehouse

and like fucking

sweep and shit

just hang around

back there by myself.

The guys would always

come back and I'd have

jazz played

and I'd think

this fucking guy

the beep-ba-ba-ba

back there like

pushing a broom

like whatever

with your classic rock

jazzing up back here

all fucked up.

It's good to like

draw to.

Yeah, dude.

I just keep it

on the background

of studying

or masturbating

or whatever it is.

Have you seen

the cam?

I'm sorry, the person

you were trying to reach

the uh cam prank where well the hidden cam hack that uh dwight did where the old guy was jerking

off yeah oh yeah it's on uh the calls of mass confusion yeah well the original version that

he sent to me the music in the background is uh it's uh it's jazz it's this old fucking dude

watching porno with jazz on yeah shirtless yeah with jazz going on shit yeah he had sent me that

and it looked like his office

you know what I mean like yeah it's set up like a nice

office you know desk all around

and shit look like I don't know

that was funny that is on

calls of mass confusion everyone should like

and subscribe to that channel calls of mass

confusion on the youtube oh yeah

if y'all hadn't seen it yeah Matt has

his channel look up for Matt

Matt what is yours LTM is God

I don't know

it's someone else

with a zero

yeah very easy

do you ever think about right it really rolls off your tongue maybe you can update that maybe

just a hillock i've already changed it because i i this is my second youtube channel my first one

what first one was hillock 666 then i lost it for bullying and hate speech

and so i made a new one that was 666 hillock 666 but then after a while i was able to take

off the first 666 bullying and hate speech in your videos or in your comments

uh i think a little bit of both oh shit um yeah i well i was yeah i don't know

god damn it man yeah well it's yeah i had that one video i've got it on facebook still with my

like thug buddy and we're talking and we're like doing cocaine on it and shit and uh and he's

talking it's like he says like some fag or something and i'm like man i ain't fags always

got the best dope he's like i know my cousin what's his name was a faggot he always had the

best shit to snip and uh and then so that got pulled down for that and he was also like offering

like kind of like a bounty on this guy that he was talking about like you bring him to me i'll

give you like an eight ball and a sec weed like because this little fucker hides from me um what

are we doing here let me go back i'm sorry i'm listening yeah it's no problem i think zax wants

wants to come on because he's messaging me tell him to call if he rings me i got to go in 10

minutes oh no he says he's just uh hi buddy tell me tell him to ring me when he's ready

and i'll add him in okay uh just just in the caller id here back uh to the previous one and

we're going to call this romance novels romance novels uh for sale in arkansas arkansas has been

flagged for removal jesus christ for god's sake jesus think about that smelling like old lady

pussy this is messy oh fucking bucks musky all yellow and musky it's zax zax happy birthday zax

yeah happy birthday buddy hello hey is it really your birthday no oh yeah i have to go in 10

minutes but i can see around i'm gonna say hi yeah mister you're not gonna be around tomorrow

tomorrow well no no no i'm no no no well i keep going out early or late or there's something i

need to go i just come out so well let's get back around this time tomorrow hey this is kevin sorry

i met you okay you want to have a makeout party at the tone please record your man that was a

message yamaha drums who knew that they made yeah or yahama drums yahama uh oh yahama that's a big

that's a big drumming outfit over there oh shit i don't know what the fuck um suggestion are they

selling them because they suck at playing drums oh cut down and the ad is still up so we can call

that motherfucker here we go it's good to hear from you zach so zach's not going to be around

tomorrow he's got a big i think i will i think but oh you sent me a thing it's 6 a.m i might be

around at like 8 but that would be in like 40 minutes this is melissa yeah melissa hey you

You said you got a Yamaha drums or Yahama?

I don't understand.

I don't have any drums.

I sold them.

Motherfucker, you.

God damn it.

You fucking bitch.

I want my.

Excuse me?

We wanted those fucking drums, you bitch.

Excuse me?

You heard me, motherfucker.

Fucking bitch.

Excuse me?

You said what now?

I said fucking bitch.

We wanted those fucking drums, fucking asshole bitch.

Do what now, you stupid cunt?

Where are the drums?

What?

Do what now?

Say what?

I would imagine she went and got her man on the phone.

Say what now?

I'll tell you what you do.

Now, are you wanting to buy the drums?

I'll tell you where to come get them.

Yeah, all right, motherfucker.

How big a boy are you?

Well, you want to come pick up the drums?

Yeah, I'll come pick them up, the drums,

and I'll pick you up and throw you across the border like a refrigerator.

Burn!

You got it, boy.

I'll play your wife's boom like a drum.

Look at us.

Maybe you can't do math, but there's three of us and one of you.

Well, come get them.

All right, motherfucker, we're coming.

We're coming.

All right.

Fine.

I'm sitting here.

I don't see you pulling in.

Well, it's going to take a while for us to get there, obviously.

We got to put on our shit-kicking boots, tie some do-rags on our head, get in the truck.

It's going to take a minute there.

Listen, how about we meet at the Walmart?

Why don't you just come to my house?

No, I ain't coming there.

We need neutral ground.

No, because you got your pistol.

You'll hide in there with your pistol.

Yeah, you got your weapons, you got your sap points you already set up, and barriers and all that.

Nah, we're going to a neutral location.

You can meet at Heathrow International Airport.

That's a neutral location.

Nah, the Walmart up the road.

They think they're real tough, Melissa.

They don't know who they're fucking with.

Yeah, fuck Melissa.

You.

Melissa's a bitch.

Fuck your mama, bitch.

Hey, you don't say bitch mama to me, motherfucker, you.

Fuck your mama.

That's what I said.

that woman is a saint sir your mama's a skank

oh you're making me so angry you ain't gonna do shit i'm gonna get to the walmart and kick your

ass you're gonna take your brother's ass is that what you said i would like to tongue kiss you

you would you sound like a real queer that's what you sound like yes i would like to service you

in your genital area with my mouth and my anus yeah we'll do that to your mom no no no no i want

your cox sir are you down are you scared no i'm sitting here in my yard waiting for you to pull

in you ain't sitting you're standing i can see you well come on in here then and you and you'll

do the makeout party with me uh go we're gonna dance i'll promise you that oh we're gonna do

Do some horizontal dancing?

Let's do the rumba.

How about the libata?

The permit dance.

Let's do sex.

We'll do some 80s goth dancing and just like wave our arms around.

Do it right now.

Do you like to twirl your pee-pee?

Call the sheriff, though.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Oh, nice.

No, no, no.

Come on, no.

This man can't handle his own shit.

He calls the pigs.

Please, no.

Don't call police, please.

Coward.

Yeah.

Your mama's a coward.

No, please.

My mom's going to find out.

We're going to get in trouble.

Please don't.

I'm waiting for you to pull in.

We're just kids.

Are you calling the police, sir?

Do you still want to have the make-out party with me?

No, they're on their way.

What did you call them from?

We have more than one number.

And what did you say to the police, sir?

Well, I'm actually going to play this recording when I get here.

And she said, I'm willing to blow all you pigs.

Come on over, boys.

Your mama did?

Your mom.

Your daughter or whatever you're fucking in that house.

You know, you talk a lot of shit for somebody who's scared of pulling my drive.

You're someone scared to go to the Walmart.

No.

And you're the guy who called the police, faggot.

Yes.

Yeah, make sure you don't call 911.

Call the non-emergency line.

Don't tie up their services, please.

Come on, let's just go to Walmart and figure this out.

Shake hands.

You and Mac can do tongue kissing.

Yes.

And me and your wife can just watch.

Can we get the number of who bought the drums so we can get those drums?

We just want the goddamn drums.

I can go as high as $3.50.

I will go $2.75.

Well, I got $3.50 right here.

I will go $3.57.

God damn it.

Breaking the bank.

Hello, sir.

Sir.

Hello.

He was very angry, wasn't he?

He's still on.

Oh.

He got upset, though.

He said some very mean things about my mama.

Don't get mad like that, sir.

You don't have to bring up mama, you know?

You know?

You don't have to bring up your mama.

Yeah.

He's being a bad egg.

Lyndon Johnson is a bad egg.

Yeah, there is a set of rules to this, you know?

An untold kind of thing.

The underwritten rules of the road.

Exactly.

And you don't want to just be saying your mama this, your mama that.

That's horrible because mom, you know, the mama is the same to anybody.

Your mama, my mama, Matt's mama.

I liked it when the black woman who bought the iPod mirror was called Matt Rod's mama.

Yo mama.

Sir Nunu wants to call some of those illegal worker peoples that I got.

You got some guided duck and geese hunts services?

Yeah.

Can you describe to me how you do the goose hunting?

Who am I speaking with?

It sounds like Kissel.

My name's Kissel.

We got a lot of wild goose geese that are all over the place.

They're all in my bedroom.

We need them hunted.

Watch this.

Sorry, what kind of setup do you have there for goose and geese hunting?

The only thing that we do is speckle-belly hunting.

We don't do snow goose or anything like that.

All right, so we can shoot them with our shotguns or what?

Can we use archery?

No, I mean, you can.

I don't know how effective you'll be.

All right.

How about a slingshot?

I've got a group of 50 archers.

We'll come down, and what I do is I stand up.

I put a stick up in the air, and I go, draw, and everyone draws up.

And I go, let loose, and I put my hand down real fast.

And they all go, pfft.

It's rain hell, boys.

And we usually get the duck in the first volley.

If the first volley doesn't work, he usually panics.

But that's only 25 shots to come in the first volley.

volley the people in front they then kneel and start getting ready to reload while the guys

behind them get ready to make loose and then matt over there goes let loose second volley goes up

and at that point there's a nine and ten chance that we've caught the duck or goose if not then

we lose them we lose them uh some of our better archers will try to take some direct strikes but

it's really hard to target and shoot uh from distance once the duck gets too hard i cut too

too high you know we can bring the horses on this one maybe yeah but we can do a whole encirclement

also we've got some frogmen um is there a lake there i have my homemade flamethrower can i use

that can i just go like the goose you can eat it right there we don't use our any cutlery we just

use our hands like real men i got pissed okay guys i'm i'm uh wait no i don't i'm gonna go now

It was being fun, brief and fun.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

All right, I'm going to hang up and all.

The Duck Band, do you have anything else?

Can we come down?

Will you go out in the middle of the woods like Brokeback Mountain with us?

All right, I'm going to hang up on you.

All right, and previous guy, you're still there listening.

Yamaha Drums, did you get what you needed from us?

Can I hang up now?

There you go.

What's up?

Come on, I know you were listening.

You just moved the thing.

All right, bye.

Come on, they hear you.

Come on, say something.

What happened?

i'm sorry i called okay i won't call again i won't call like that again okay i promise no

more calling all right hello or whatever i'm a man of my word though matt are you still here

matt he sees her in the background he's doing something i heard the toilet again

matt really probably has colitis i think uh phil dirt wanted phil dirt they want phil dirt

our suggestion is that we don't have any dirt however we have plenty of cum great thank you

you for that i gotta stop reading these just blindly yellow yellow yellow doing blind reads

of the suggestions sometimes are a little embarrassing why listen for phil dirt wanted

the suggestion is you don't have any dirt however you have plenty of cum

that's rich you should just say that yeah actually this is parkman who sends these these are fun

i do like that it's always a backup yeah hi you got phil dirt wanted say that again what kind of

dirt you looking for just uh you want brown dirt white dirt gray dirt yellow dirt what kind are

you looking for uh want some brown dirt all right you need me to put it down where how many loads

you want how many yards do you load uh we can we got a fleet of 30 vehicles we can do 30 fucking

loads big ass loads wherever you want do you haul it for free hell yeah we haul it for free man

man. We've been hauling for free for

42 years. Man,

you're doing good. Fuck yeah.

So, where would you like us

to drop the load? Well,

just this side of hell would be a good place to put it.

Hey, boy, don't you be bringing up

devil in the hell and all that shit, motherfucker.

What's the problem now? Yeah, I hear you.

What's the problem now?

What's the problem now with you?

Can I do the suggestion

on him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll try him.

You want to fill dirt? I don't have any

but i do have cum let me uh reset that caller id to something different just to kind of you know

ah fucking rich new news just saying that tell carlos to check pm please what do you think he's

got he gets a little agitated doesn't he there you go matt here's your call okay let me look at

hey you the guy that wants some fill dirt oh i've been wanting to feel better yeah yeah i don't have

have any dirt but i do have some cum zing oh you know that hang up sound that i'd have it has so

much character too when it hangs up it's like like it just yeah you feel a hang up when that

motherfucker goes off like that you know so do you know what this illegal worker call thing is

they're those people that get so mad uh that yeah they they're just they scream like just yeah you

you know you've got some illegal workers my lady's on the line all right so oh hey lady woman

maybe she'll want to come on the show i'm looking to see if there's a video report on this not just

a you know something that can play video wise and maybe we'll bring everyone up to speed here

here we go a video i think no that's not a video thanks a lot google bitch google fucking google

Google this.

Watch this.

I like the volley of arrows.

Can you imagine some people like, yeah, we hunt.

Big group of 50.

Let loose.

This is when the poor dog is like.

Affleck.

It's like a volley comes in.

You completely cover the area with arrows and shit like a battle happened.

You kill a bunch of animals and a bunch of squirrels.

Who knows what you fucking killed.

Like I said, you had frogmen?

I had a whole thing coming with the ducks and the frogmen I didn't get to.

It involved depth charges and shit.

Because I said that as long as they were underwater, they're not susceptible to laws about explosives.

Technically, it just has to do with land, right?

You can blow up whatever the fuck you want underwater, motherfucker.

Can you?

Oh, I don't know.

I was just going to come up.

I don't know.

I doubt it.

But I was just going to be stupid.

I'm Carlito

I just like the phrase frogman

I was going there and didn't get to it

What the

Some movie they were talking about frogman

Some comedy movie

Alright so these people have illegal workers

Or something

They're like

Very high strung Indians

Or packies or something

If it's the one that I usually call

I think he probably gave you that one

I've been calling this fucker for weeks

So if you wear poppies

and that's once a year that they wear poppies for the veterans is that what happens yeah my grandpa

was always pretty big about buying the poppies from the guys on the street put them in his big

old cool lincoln town car on the like little flappy mirrors nice oh it's not picking up huh

you know you never talk about your father and i've never brought it up i thought that was your dad in

the vet i was like is that matt's dad like i don't know if like did matt need to see his dad i don't

know if you have i mean i know you do oh yeah i haven't seen him since i was 13 or something

there yeah it's my grandpa they're not answering new new yeah new new way to go you're batting

zero can i drag numbers over here and you can yeah sure yeah i can get it from the channel

okay you can do everything yeah i'm just the dialing is off yeah as i just remember that

when you hear the they've picked up i'm supposed to be able to set up a sound like when they pick

up like a real quick like beep or something so everyone knows to be quiet but it doesn't seem

to work for me um i really wish i that would be that would make everything perfect for me

having others on because everyone knows okay be quiet when you hear that noise yeah that's the one

kind of that's the one thing that's nice about skype is that you can see when they pick up yes

well yeah you can't see unfortunately because i haven't looked yet but it's all right don't worry

like we work on it yeah yeah i think this is one of well i know it's one of them but i have

I have two numbers, so...

And what are they?

Any suggestions?

I own some kebab house or some shit or...

I don't know.

Let's do it.

That's fine.

I got it.

Hello.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment.

Okay, here's another one.

We're trying that one in a while.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Would you like to make an order, please?

Would you like to make an order?

You want to make an order?

Yes.

Can't hear you properly.

Can you phone me back again?

I want to make an order.

Take away.

Yeah, what would you like, please?

Okay, one chicken biryani.

You motherfucker, hurry up.

Son of a bitch.

What?

Son of a owl.

No, not you.

No, not you, no.

I'm sorry, not you.

Who?

Son of a bitch.

There's a person over here that tried to kick my car just a minute ago.

He was kicking stuff around.

They're kicking a ball.

And he went to kick my car.

He thought I wasn't watching.

He went to kick my car.

I call him son of a bitch.

Can you believe that people do that?

Oh, my God.

This place is getting disgusting.

It used to be so nice here.

Now, like, there's people trying to kick, uh, kicking soccer, uh, what is it called?

Football.

All the illegal workers.

Yeah.

Kicking fucking, uh, the balls.

Anyway, can you take my order?

That wasn't my guy, though.

I thought I had him.

Yeah.

I thought I got him out of that.

Damn.

He did not like son of a bitch.

Who do you call son of a bitch?

What?

What'd you say?

What did you say, son of a bitch?

The what?

The guy that...

Yeah, son of a bitch, you?

You're the son of a bitch now.

motherfucker okay oh did he pick up yeah he said he's busy now whatever leave him alone

yeah sorry new new that was funny i got one more that was a good

has there been a national tragedy no no it's because of the way i copied it

oh it has to be in a certain kind of sound it's it's it's hard to explain oh but like i was saying

and this 420 NARC guy has been calling me like crazy.

All circuits are busy now.

Please try your...

Is that number right?

The one you copy-pasted?

The last one here that you tried to add?

Oh, I think...

I don't know.

It's the one I always call, but...

Yeah, it's something...

I mean, I just have it saved as, like, illegal workers, you know?

Oh, okay.

Oh, no, you sent me the same number twice, I think?

I don't know.

Oh, dang it.

All right, the one that ends in 876 isn't working for me.

That sucks.

I don't want to call more people like that shit.

It's alright, it's all good.

I

can't remember what I have

I have an Indian joint

Indian FBI

here's Indian joint

I don't know what it is

if I save this thing

oh no that's just you doing shit

this is an Indian joint okay let's do it

that's all I have it saved

I just had to quick format it a little bit real quick before

yeah yeah

There's nothing you can do.

It's the way it copies to Skype.

It adds a bunch of shit.

Get up, India.

Hello.

Can I make an order, please?

Yep.

One CTM.

One chicken tikka masala.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Spicy.

Heavy spicy.

So, how is spicy, you want to say?

Indian spicy.

Indian is spicy.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Do you have any kofta?

Yeah.

Okay.

One kofta.

Kofta...

Lamb?

Oh, lamb.

I don't have a lamb kofta.

How is spicy one?

uh just uh that one um mild mild so i have only my life after okay okay and then one sister

hello yeah one terabandi terabandi yeah you give me your sister the fuck if i call again oh yeah

sister bancho i'm gonna bancho yeah oh yeah come on come on you owl

he's hanging in there stand by

he's hanging in there let's put a little dial tone just in case

Oh.

Nope, no, he killed it there.

Shit, motherfucker.

All right, let's call him back.

Oh, Eda's calling.

Uh-oh.

Can she come on the show?

Yeah, of course Eda can.

Yeah.

I'll drag it in.

Of course.

Not to self.

Got to find, see if there's a way for me to get my SIP client to make a noise when they

pick me up.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

For a pickup?

One sister.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

One mother.

Give me your sister and mother here now.

And we fuck.

Okay.

I give you mine

You give me yours

Okay

That's good

I fuck her still

Bring her

Hey Ida

Ida Jamaican

Ida

Yeah

What's up baby

We got this weird

Hep clap we're doing

Alright well

She's working on it

She's probably doing her makeup

up and that's fine hey babe i don't know where i'm in here all right we got women slash teen

silver suki jeans um 48 they got a big ass on the ass they've been worn twice

call text theresa of interested all right let's call

you been wearing them i hope you haven't washed them

hang on i'm having my copy paste problem wear them on my head smell that crotch

this is gonna be a minute guys so stand by listen to puff daddy

do the hip

where are you baby

does she want to be on

or did you just have her on

I can't tell him

baby are you here

she's working on her mic it's alright

she'll be there I'm sure

she better

see if this works

what is little puff daddy up to

I don't know that's a good question

I think he just

just man's that company bad boys like really big now and his clothing lines and all that shit

shit you rock some sean john clothes i don't i haven't heard much about sean john lately either

he has a lot of money yeah you rock some carl kanai's don't you me no yeah some carl kanai

big jeans i had i don't like sean john's i had one sean john shirt because it came in big sizes

yeah big miss uh sean john i get it over at the tj max yeah yeah for real i would that's what i

would do like all right sean john yeah like i'd be like if i was gonna go to a concert i'd be like

all right i'm gonna go to uh not tj max what's the other one marshall's no no five wings basement

no no no fuck is it ross that's it ross speaking of cross right they don't have ross's they don't

have ross's here yeah but that's right go be like all right yeah i got a concert i'm gonna stop

after work i'd stop and look for like a discount sean john shirt you know what kind of concert

would you be going to in that flag year i don't know man i think you're just making shit up no i

did no because i saw not rolling stones what the fuck well i was acdc saw them saw cheech and chong

um think about the most recent ones i saw lewis black do comedy saw joe rogan do comedy saw the

The Howard Stern guys, they came out a few times, saw them.

Local radio station would have events, like these concert events for their show.

Did you see Rogan with Joey Diaz and Duncan?

Mm-mm.

Oh, that's who I saw him with here.

It's fucking amazing.

Joey Diaz is so fucking funny.

I saw the Dre, the 2000, he had a tour in 2001.

It was Dre, Cube, Eminem.

It was really dope.

Aftermath tour or whatever.

I think it was after the Aftermath tour.

It was after the Chronic 2000, no, the Chronic 2 came out.

It was after that, like a year after that they toured.

And it was cool because Ice Cube came out in the middle of it and stuff.

I went to a cool-ass Smoke and Grooves tour with Cypress Hill.

Yep, doing it.

That was awesome.

And then I went with a bunch of buddies to IHOP afterwards,

and I went with all black people.

And the people, the workers of the IHOP set us all in the front,

and there's you know me and like 15 guys and they stood and like watched us really yeah weird you

know and there was lots of arguments like look we're gonna fucking steal what the fuck you doing

yeah yeah i just get singled out for this is a punching bag by the way a wife yeah hey you got

a 75 pound punching bag yeah wow you got a pretty thin wife 75 pounds on her how tall is it i gotta

gotta get another bro oh that's not funny to say guys that's not right he's like my goodness that

man is talking about beating his wife my god call the police call the non-emergency line for the

police hurry we'll have to trace it dial star six whatever you know star seven nine uh looking for

a pa system some guy is looking for a pa system in arkansas okay hi hello hello yay for beer all

All right, we got someone looking for a PA system.

Yay.

Watch this.

This is Kissel.

Watch this.

Eda does a pretty good watch this.

Hello.

What you doing, babe?

Hello.

Yeah, you're looking for a PA system?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I'm using one right now.

You can hear how good this motherfucker is, huh?

That ain't too bad, buddy.

So what do you need it for, Church?

What is it for?

No, I didn't need it.

I need it for my home.

I use it to yell at my wife.

Yeah, what do you want for it, brother?

What is it?

$50?

Hey, man, I can't hardly hear you, brother.

All right.

All right, I turned it off now.

I'm sorry.

I was trying to show off the PA system for you so you could see how good it was.

Well, what kind is it?

It's a Cross, Cross brand.

A Cross?

Cross, yeah.

I'm not familiar with it.

It's from Germany.

uh this guy was driving a white van and he's like hey i got this uh i got these speaker system that

the guy didn't want you want it cheap or the boss is gonna have to do something with it and

i bought them cheap the back of the white van yeah pa means public address system yeah so i i

use it to yell at the wife though i set it up here and i yelled like when i get mad at my wife

um the the judge said i can't yell and i was like okay i'll show you motherfucker so i got a pa

system so i don't yell but i use i turn that pa system up and i just tell her everything nice and

calm that i hate about her yeah oh it works i get around it but now they said the sheriff came down

and said i can't be doing that disturbing the peace so they got to sell it i don't mean to

Because, you know, brother, I drive a big truck, and I'm up here in Ohio right now.

Hey, do you ever get them lot lizards?

Not hardly.

They'll suck your dick.

Not anymore?

You used to?

Well, like I said, we all did back 20 years ago.

Oh, wow.

So what do you do first?

Do you have them show you their tits first so you make sure they're not a cunt?

I ain't even going to go there, brother.

Oh, come on.

Tell me how you do it because I'm trying to get into the game.

Them motherfuckers, they'll beat the pain off your door if you're someplace like Ontario, California.

Really? They'll beat you up?

No, they'll beat the pain off your door trying to get in your truck.

Oh, but what do you do first?

Like you say, show me your tits so I know you're not a cop.

Like, how do you, what do you do?

No, you can always tell them once that ain't, that are cops and the ones that ain't.

That's been my heart spot.

Oh, and can you...

Cops are better dressed.

Well, you can, do they just like jerk you off in the cab?

Do you fuck them in the back?

Like, what do you do?

Dude, I ain't got time.

Come on, it's hot, man.

It's hot.

Like, I jerk off thinking about doing it, and that's why I want to do it.

All right, listen, I'll holler at you later, man.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

God bless.

She was all right.

I'm going to beat the doors off the drug town and get at you.

I've been trying to get at you.

Man, I'm back about 20 years ago where all the guys were doing that shit.

She's like, yeah, I'll admit it.

I did it.

I got them bitches.

God damn.

i like the way you got around the restraining order or whatever

everything i hate about her i see it damn what did i bring up i brought up something in the

middle of that that i was like i could play the video of that what did i bring up shit

no i don't remember german man german cross system white truck yeah white truck i don't

remember a lot lizards no i don't remember there was something i was like oh yeah i should play

this since i brought it up anyone have an idea what it might have been and look at the chat room

cross no not ross cross cross by ross's park man it's all yeah i don't know i don't remember i'll

remember when i edit this probably which i'm getting ready to actually yeah it's three o'clock

i'm done i'm done i'm out of here i gotta eat some lunch i gotta go to the pharmacy

thank you matt for being on yeah it's fun man it's good talking to you wish i would have been

been around earlier yeah yeah cool cool thanks everybody take it easy that was fun we're happening

all that stuff all right so i'll probably be on next weekend uh i'm carlito prank call nation.com

is the website for the network there's a show every night just about tonight is monday night

so we would expect mr macron to go on although he went on twice last week i think he might still

do a show tonight who knows he's crazy he's really into doing shows like all of us are when

when we first start we get real excited and we plan our music you know it's really cute he plays

his little music here and there gets it all ready and plays the appropriate intro and the song that

describes how he feels inside his heart i yeah we all do that i still do that sometimes it's fun to

do man it's really fun um okay yeah so that's it i'll be back another day well no hey hey

Hey, I wanted to call back.

This is someone that I had called, I want to say like a year ago for a ping pong table

and came to notice that their ad was like reactivated.

They're trying to sell the ping pong table and it was probably last year spring, I think.

So almost like going on a year and a half now.

But I had it marked and it came up.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Hi.

Now I got to get at least one call to answer now that I said this.

A dozer? I don't know if it's a dozer for sale or for driving.

Let's check the ad real quick.

It's a big-ass dozer.

A 2000 Daewoo dozer.

New undercarriage, runs, works great.

Waiting on weather to finish paint in one roller.

Whatever, shut up.

It's a big motherfucker.

Let's try to get one more call here before we kick out of here.

Yeah, hi, you got that dozer.

Yeah, how much can that thing plow through?

Like, can I go through, like, a side of a house with it?

Odd question, but I would imagine.

Which one are you talking about?

The Daewoo?

Is that how you say that?

Is it Daewoo or Daewoo?

I don't know.

Daewoo?

What's that, Korean?

I'll take your word for it.

I think so.

Mother piece of shit, right?

So it's pretty strong, though.

I can probably go through the corner of a house.

Yeah, you could probably go over top of the house if you wanted to.

That's a pretty good-sized dozer.

Good.

Unless you're talking about the White House.

No, no, no.

My house.

My wife.

I caught her cheating on me, so I'm going to bulldoze right through the room where she

fucked this guy.

and she's going to come home and be like, what happened?

What happened?

I'm going to say, you fucked some dude in our bed in our room.

Now you need to clean it up and rebuild the new room.

I think I'm out on that one.

I can do that.

I have a laptop computer.

I go in there, and I touch the parts and the button on it.

Okay, yeah, because I don't know how to fucking do it.

Dealers in Little Rock.

Oh, fuck Little Rock, too, man.

Fuck those motherfuckers.

I know how to do it.

I used to work on these motherfuckers all the time.

Yeah, finding people that knows how to work on them is kind of far between.

I put all new tracks.

it looks good you've done a good job you said you have to finish the paint the paint looks great

right now as it is i'll tell you what for a tooth but the fucking thing when i was painting the

tracks control hoses blue and not through the computer into a fucking don't know what day it

is mode oh well and i put the new hoses on it and put hydraulics comes up did you change up

the cmos it's just the cmos that's easy to fix you know where the cmos for you it might be i

I haven't got a fucking clue.

Well, I can tell you what to do, motherfucker.

You just go into the CMOS.

You just put it on the off position, turn it on, turn it off,

put it back on the on position, turn it on, problem solved.

I do this all the time.

I do it all the time.

I did the support for these motherfuckers all the time.

They're good.

When they're working good, they're working good.

But when one little motherfucker goes down like what you did,

you're just trying to paint it, and one little thing,

and it throws that thing into that whole loop, that error loop bullshit.

Yep.

Oh, fuck.

No, I'm telling you right now.

You're right there.

It'll fix it in like two minutes.

I'm up at the house right now.

I just came up here.

God damn it.

Where are you at?

Well, listen, for a 2000, man, I'll tell you what.

The paint looks good as a motherfucker on this thing.

Looking at these pictures.

I started fucking with it.

The main thing is when I bought it, the undercarriage was fucking.

So it's got everything underneath it.

Right now, the last straw would be when I get the fucking computer reset.

set i'm going to take off the cylinders because they leak a little bit and have them redone and

then i'll finish painting it and fucking with it yeah so what brother when you're done with that

then i'll buy it you know i'll give you a you know you you figure out how much it all is but

i gotta tell you what this cat the chair gotta go chairs gotta go i can be i'll pick one of those

motherfuckers up real easy and get an aftermarket chair and that that's a piece of shit that's not

no big deal oh that you can throw you can get those i got like two or three chairs in the

the backyard right now i could put on that motherfucker right now it'd be fine so that's

fine and the paint on the you're going to get the paint right there in the cabin area that's

everything i got everything to do it with i just ain't fucked with i got six of them and not there

is not on top of the list of things to do god damn all right well how long do you think it's

going to take you to restore fully i'll make you an offer you know i'll give i'll i'll put you a

down payment up front you know help you pay for whatever you're going to get oh i can say it's

the same thing that the guy came yesterday and looked at it he's talked to the dealer and he's

gonna try to get them to come out and fix it you make me a fucking offer you can buy it there it

is where it is and have them fix it because i was drunk god damn it well whatever the offer is

i'll give you an extra 500 on top he offered me 14 for it i'll give you two you'll give me what

i'll give you two gay 2k 2000 two stacks that dozer yeah not in this lifetime you said 4 000

14 oh 14 i'll give you 20 i'm saying 20 000 i'm sorry i got my numbers wrong in my head you bring

Bring your cash, and you can have it for $15.

I'll get it to you for $20.

Bring me the $20.

I don't care.

I'll take it.

Cash, money.

All right, so you said $15?

All right, you got it, motherfucker.

I'm coming down.

When can I come down?

You can come down any time you want.

Where are you at?

I'm in Rogersville.

Where the hell is that at?

You know where Horse Machine Ranch is?

No.

It's a brand-new area called Horse Machine Ranch.

Horse Machine Ranch.

Somewhere in Arkansas?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Horse Machine.

Never heard of it, man.

Yeah, well, I'm coming down there right outside of Little Rock.

horse machine ranch i got 45 acres i gotta fucking mow the fuck out of this motherfucker

i'm gonna knock down every single tree every single fucking about the same size as a d5

oh that's perfect i'm gonna mow down every single tree on my property i bought it from a guy the

fuck is i got a side of a mountain i was gonna clear yeah and now the guy wants to buy the

fucking property so i ain't got to really do that so if somebody wants fuck yeah fuck that

did you suck that guy's dick did you tell him you suck his dick no try that no dick sucking

and you might be but i'm not yeah well you tell him hey i'll suck your dick if you don't buy it

out and then you bite him real hard in his dick uh i'm good yeah you bite him you got him there

man you got his dick in your mouth you got him there you bite him and you put a gun up to his

head you motherfucker you can buy a shit motherfucker and you get him to kneel and he's

all all right motherfucker all right i'll do that and i'll take care of that but you don't want him

to buy your property i'll take care of him too i'm not worried about it i can take care of myself

All right, bitch.

Well, I'll be down there when?

Tonight, 8 p.m.

All right.

See you.

All right, asshole.

I'll see you.

Bye.

All right, now I'm done.

I got some good calls to put on the Prank Call of the Week on YouTube this week.

I'm excited about that.

Prank Calls of the Week.

Yeah, baby bitch.

Be sure to check that out on YouTube.

I'm going to be, this will be episode seven of Prank Calls of the Week.

And I'm real excited about this one.

I might edit this motherfucker tonight, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Yeah, see if I can get the wife to go to the pharmacy after work.

Maybe not.

She's going to be tired.

She'll complain about it.

You know how women are.

Fuckers.

Anyway, so I'll probably be back next Sunday.

Hey, and also, all the hosts, if you're listening, tune in right now.

We need to have a host meeting because we have to plan Pranksgiving.

Because I think we've got three weeks until Pranksgiving.

We need to get our ducks in a row.

I know that Brad, RBCP, he won't be able to host a show.

He's not going to be at home.

He's going to be traveling on the road, Thanksgiving, visiting family.

He probably will be able to.

He said he'll make an effort to join in one or two shows if he can here and there, maybe, or one.

I'm not boxing him in to do two.

But he'll try to call and make an appearance to help out on the show, which is great.

But we've got plenty of hosts who should be able to cover it.

You've got me, Dwight.

You've got me, Carlito.

I got those days off of work.

Made sure I had them off.

We're good there.

Jaiad, of course, is real excited.

He has big plans for Thanksgiving.

We've got to get this all in a row.

but everyone start spreading the word

PrankSgiving 2015 we're going to do

24 hours straight of prank calls with all your

favorite prank call hosts

maybe we'll invite some other people

to host a show if we have some openings open

like Mr. Dialer and stuff and if Dialer

if you're listening or if anyone has a line

into Dialer are you back

doing shows or not do you want to be on

PCN I don't know I try to communicate

with him he doesn't respond to me

but he pulled down all his stuff that

he used to have I don't know if he wants to be

down with PCN or just do his own thing, just let me

know. We still have a door open for him

of course. But he was really

funny when he did the first

PrankScaping. He was the first guy

after me. Second show to take over

was really good. So anyone like that

you know, if you know anyone you think might be

willing to join in or something

spread the word, okay? Okay, bye!

Calls (28, 1 h 12 min of 2 h 54 min)

Transcript

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